#it's not just the young queers who have little to no knowledge of our history

[razzek]

One thing that's starting to really get to me with the James Somerton stuff is a real strong undercurrent of disdain toward his fans. And yeah, I was one of them. A good scam artist isn't as easy to spot as y'all seem to think. You forget that you have all the information right now. Two days ago most of you had never heard of him and it would have kept going. Anyone can fall for a scam, nobody is immune. I would love to have had whatever resources you guys think we all should magically know about so I could have kept my sad $5 a month I really needed but thought was going to something worthwhile. Some of us can only devote so much energy into things and when you have no idea whatsoever that something is amiss of course you're not going to go digging for sources, why would you when everything is fine as far as you know? I really wish I could have seen the dissenting opinions on him but for many, many reasons that aren't just that the dissenting voices weren't widely circulating at the time all I had was the thought every now and again that "huh that doesn't seem right" and then go on with my day. And I think that happened to a lot of us. So yeah. Say what you gotta say about Somerton, he has more than earned it with the damage he's caused, but maybe don't shit so hard on his former fans because that is going to be you someday with something, it happens to everyone sooner or later.

[drdemonprince]

Something I think you're missing in how you talk about trans men: how recently you transitioned.

I came out circa 2007, and there was almost no information about us, no community where I lived (the local support group was all older trans women), no media outside of "Boys Don't Cry" and the way-better-but-still-basic "Parrotfish," no anything at all except TERF lesbian communities that coveted and hated us in equal measure, and general GSAs that were sweet, but dominated by cis people. I learned that the worst thing in the world I could be was a trans man - to be a trans man was to be a regressive agent of the patriarchy, and if I couldn't force myself to be nonbinary or a cis woman, I was evil.

In the early 2010s I attended a conference where a trans woman, a national celebrity I looked up to, made a joke about how useless trans men are during her keynote speech. I walked out of that room crying because as far as I knew, she was right - I was almost an elder by the standards of an atomized community where we were expected to die young, and even I couldn't name a single trans man in history who'd mattered.

We take it for granted now that trans men like Lou Sullivan made a difference, but to bring attention to him, folks like me had to swim upstream against a wave of accusations of misogyny from TERFs, and sometimes even from trans women. The acceptance you rejoice in at bathhouses? That was hard won through outreach by trans men. I even remember a specific trans male-run ambassador program in San Francisco circa 2013 dedicated to integrating trans men into the queer male community.

The world that's welcomed you was built by trans men who, like me, felt agonizingly alone and unwanted in both cis and trans communities. You paint a picture of lazy hangers-on who don't understand how good they have it, and maybe that's true for the folks you're looking at, but they don't reflect the hard work trans men have been putting in at every level of organizing for much longer than our efforts have been recognized. I've been involved in the fight for our liberation since I was a teenager, working on school and state-level policy change, medical access, the preservation of history, mentorship, dodging evictions, and all the little jobs my tired, autistic ass can take on, and I've never been rewarded for it outside the thanks of the people I've helped. All I ever wanted was to make things better for the generations that came after me.

I'd just like to have that reality acknowledged - that those of us who came before you built what you're now able to enjoy, and we can use that history to empower and encourage younger generations to continue doing the work instead of implying that no one's been doing it at all.

Thank you for this message. I would like to read a lot more about your perspective on this history. Please let me know your @ -- in private if you prefer. There are some elements of how this is framed here that do make me go, hm (the view was the worst thing you could be was a trans man?) but I am also appreciative of this this glimpse at what I don't know I don't know, and am interested to learn more about it.

But I also want to push back against the idea that I have no knowledge of how things were during the times you're talking about -- I was a queer, gender-questioning adult at that time too, and I was active in many trans spaces.

My medical transition is very recent in the grand scheme of things but I've been rolling deep with trans guys and going to trans masc events since 2003-2004 (in Cleveland and Columbus). I remember how the not-full-blown TERFY yet still very toxic radfems spoke about men, sexually preyed upon trans guys in some cases, and sometimes said things critical of transition. I knew several trans guys who had quite a guilt complex about becoming a "man" because they had internalized that men were inherently predatory and evil. Personally, I'd always thought that line of thinking was absurd and a very poor excuse for feminism, so it didn't get under my skin in the same way. Instead of making me not want to be a man, it made me not want to be a feminist. Which is pretty typical sexist bro shit to do really. Again, no big evidence of transmisandry here. certainly experiences that were emotionally very fraught and challenging for people, but not misandry or transmisandry.

These queer and feminist groups that I moved within were VASTLY more exclusionary to the trans femmes in the city, who were not even permitted to attend events for sexual assault survivors in the Columbus scene. I DID see trans women on the social periphery of these groups be discouraged from transitioning, and I did hear just about every vile transmisogynistic slur and exclusionary idea you can think of be passed around by many without challenge.

The transmisogyny stood out to me even back then as particularly egregious and rampant -- it disgusted me and caused me to distance myself from those groups of people in 2007-8. It was the outspoken hatred of anyone with an "amab" body and frothing transmisogyny that made me not want to be associated with that crowd or to contemplate transition, honestly -- not any kind of widespread anti-transmasc sentiment. These groups held top surgery fundraisers and hormone start date celebrates for trans guys and expressed desire for trans men openly and included them warmly in just about everything while treating trans women like predators and telling them they should just be feminine men (far, far away from them).

So my experience just does not track with what you are saying. I imagine we have two very different vantage points on similar periods of time, and I think there certainly is a lot more about trans masc history I could stand to learn and so many trans masc elders' whose names I should be putting more respect on. And I'd be very open to hearing more about that from you. But I do have to push back against the characterization of the era as someone who very much was there.

[qnewslgbtiqa]

Standing on the shoulders of Giants

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/standing-on-the-shoulders-of-giants/

Standing on the shoulders of Giants

While the Mardi Gras season is almost upon us, World AIDS Day made QNews’ youngest contributor pause to reflect on how LGBTIQA+ young people engage with the history of the HIV epidemic.

WORDS Harry Hadley

For young queer people in 2024, we learn our community’s history from those who lived it: whether they be members of our chosen families, or respected elders who have a platform through which to share their stories.

When it comes to the HIV/AIDS epidemic, we are often told of the lives lost globally and the devastating social impact this virus had for the global movement for LGBTQIA+ rights.

Each queer person who lived through that time has their own unique story, which we continue to recognise and commemorate today.

Looking into this dark period for the queer community comes with little relief for a younger person.

As a young queer writer, what stood out for me from the stories I hear from our elders about this period was how an epidemic like this was allowed to fester.

Why was there a significant lack of action from the authorities until the disease was considered a danger to the “wider community”?

In researching these questions, one term struck a nerve for me.

‘Genocidal insouciance’: meaning the casual indifference and lack of action of a state/authority which leads to a significant number of deaths within a minority population.

From when the first cases of what would later be known as AIDS were reported in America in 1981, the conversation diverted from a medical crisis to a socio-political one.

Due to a lack of knowledge and research into the virus, the nature and prevention of AIDS initially remained unknown and was largely the concern of those it affected most: the queer community.

There was a remarkable lack of concern, communication, and cooperation when it came to tackling the threat of HIV by the rest of society.

Even in Australia, it was Mardi Gras that raised the funds for the AIDS Council of NSW’s first work, not the state or federal government.

Until being deemed a threat to the heterosexual population, the HIV virus rampaged through the queer community around the world, substantially neglected by governments and health authorities alike.

The early marriage of the queer community to the epidemic was made inextricable through this process and was solidified in the years of activism to come as we had to organise to fight for our lives.

When I first learnt about the HIV/AIDS epidemic growing up, one of the first things I did was ask my parents about what they remembered about that period, having not lived through it myself.

My mother said, “I just remember those Grim Reaper ads scaring the shit out of me!”

When I googled that advertisement I was lost for words.

“At first, only gays and IV drug users were being killed by AIDS…”

The Grim Reaper advertisement stands as one of the world’s most infamous state-run campaigns, portraying ‘every-day Australians’ as bowling pins being knocked down by the Grim Reaper as a representation of the virus.

For anyone unsure of whether the LGBTQI+ community were isolated during this time, all they need to do is watch this commercial.

“In three years, nearly three thousand of us will be dead!”

It was now heterosexual Australia that was being threatened, with no acknowledgement of the tragedy that had ripped through the queer community for the previous half decade.

The rhetoric surrounding HIV/AIDS in the Australian public eye and queer people had thus shifted; from an insouciance to the disease even existing, to it being the bringer of death to the Australian population. With the “gays and IV drug users” being at the centre of it.

By 1995, one-in-nine gay men had been diagnosed with AIDS in the US, and one-in-fifteen had died.

By this point, there was a significant effort being made to stop the spread of the virus.

But those statistics alone show this effort had come far too late to prevent the detrimental impact this had on the queer community.

Going into the 2000s, HIV/AIDS deaths began to come down significantly in Australia, which gave way to the collective cultural anxiety that we see today in post-AIDS discourse.

At the end of the 20th century and even into the 21st century, post-AIDS discourse was characterised by a bleak and arbitrary gloom, which significantly reduced the desire to immortalise this time period in our collective history.

In the early 2000s, historians observed that due to this collective trauma, such a crucial part of gay history seemingly disappeared from the radar screen.

That seems to be changing, and the past decade has seen a new thirst to tell those stories through the mediums of books, film and television.

But if we look at the political and social struggles the LGBTQIA+ community has fought since the 1960s, the AIDS/HIV fight for survival falls in the middle of three main periods.

In the 1960s continuing through the 1970s, we see a push for recognition in the public eye and the demand for basic civil rights.

After the height of the epidemic in the 21st century, we see a push for queer people to have the right to build a family.

So why was there such a dramatic change from radical queer rights to a push for domestic family values?

If you’d told a queer activist in the 1970s that in 40 years, they’d be able to marry their loved one, they’d say you were mad.

Not because the idea wasn’t fathomable, but because gay marriage simply wasn’t on the agenda.

They had much bigger fish to fry, namely just existing in society without being either arrested or killed.

So why has there been such a big push for the right for queer people to build a family following the turn of the century?

Some have theorised that the aftermath of the HIV/AIDS epidemic altered the aims of the LGBTIQA+ movement to pivot from radicalism to an attempt to fit into broader society.

Queer activism pivoted away from associations with HIV/AIDS to a push for acceptance in the mainstream of society, such as a focus on family values, and the fight for same-sex marriage.

In 2024, though, we young people have the luxury of perspective in viewing the HIV/AIDS crisis, and decades of removal from that trauma.

I live in a world where HIV transmissions are lower than they have ever been, living with HIV is far from a death sentence, HIV prevention is a daily pill and a cure or vaccine is closer to reality than it’s ever been.

The stories from that dark time in our community can now be shared without the immediate jump scare and looming presence of the virus.

Those who lived through the height of the epidemic can celebrate the progress they’ve made, mourn those who we have lost, and most importantly teach future generations the lessons that we will hopefully never have to experience firsthand ourselves.

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

[biglisbonnews]

Jack Ferver Mourns a Lost Generation in 'Nowhere Apparent' As a queer person, it's hard to articulate the full impact that the AIDS epidemic has had and continues to have on the community decades later. There's the immediate tragedy of the lives lost to the disease and the systemic injustices it exposed on a broader societal level, but one of the more profound, unspoken tragedies of the AIDS epidemic is that it has deprived subsequent generations of queer folks connections to their collective past. It's easy to wonder what the likes of Freddie Mercury or Keith Haring could have gone on to create had they not been cut down in their prime, but it's harder to imagine what sorts of wisdom and mentorship they could have gone on to impart on future generations. What would it be like if these creatives were still around to mentor other young talents, share their stories and guide them along their journies? What if queer people could actually meet their heroes instead of having to be satisfied with just mourning them? For a community that heavily relies on the importance of found family, a lost generation of queer elders is an immeasurable loss and has left many to fend for themselves.Related | I'm The Little Lad Who Loves FashionIt's this particular type of grief over a generation of dancers and choreographers that forms the basis of Jack Ferver's latest film, Nowhere Apparent, which was commissioned for ALL ARTS' 2023 Past, Present, Future Dance Film Festival. Perhaps best known as the Little Lad from the viral TikTok trend, the New York-based writer, choreographer and director's newest offering is a poetic meditation on queer isolation and feelings of abandonment by a generation of potential parental figures as a result of a failed response to the AIDS epidemic. Drawing on a mix of archival research and newly shot performance footage, Nowhere Apparent plays out across a feverish series of theatrical vignettes that range from campy melodrama to manic introspection, interspersed with dance passages, culminating in a climatic performance set to Lana Del Rey's "Ride." Ferver's performance is intense and mesmerizing, vacillating between a methodical calm and being on the precipice of a full-on breakdown, reconciling personal trauma with historic injustice in a way that is viscerally captivating yet hard to fully define. Ahead of the premiere of Nowhere Apparent, PAPER caught up with Jack Ferver to talk about the film's origins, the legacy left behind by the AIDS epidemic and queer isolation.What initially sparked the idea for Nowhere Apparent?In 2019, Marc Swanson asked me if I would want to create a performance for an exhibition he was going to have at Mass MoCA. At that time, Jeremy (Jacob) and I were the AIDS Oral History fellows at The Jerome Robbins Dance Division at the New York Public Library of the Performing Arts. Jeremy and I were listening to the archive, watching videos, reading journalism from the start and height of the AIDS crisis. Through it, we gained a more intimate knowledge of that time of artists who could have been mentors being killed by government inaction.The AIDS crisis ended a world, and we as a society will forever live in that shadow.Jeremy and I titled our lecture presentation and film for our fellowship: “Nowhere Apparent”.What I pitched for my performance at Mass MoCA was inspired by this and where we find ourselves now in our climate crisis. Marc was surprised because he was planning on his work being about AIDS and the climate crisis.When Jeremy and I were approached by All Arts, this became the opportunity to have a film that would draw from both the library project and the Mass MoCA work which is titled “Is Global Warming Camp? and other forms of theatrical distance for the end of the world.”What sorts of references or inspirations did you look to in making the piece?Queerness, Hollywood, neo-camp, solitude, the shattering of the “self” into distinct “selves” from trauma, the woods.How did you go about translating these themes into the various vignettes and movement passages we see in the film?We really thought through a lot of our despair as queers and what it means for so much irresponsibility from the government, from those in power, those authorities. Abuse of power. Parental abuse. What world will remain in 30 years? What kind of parents would allow that? What parents? Where?As generations of queer folk become further and further removed from the AIDS epidemic, how do we ensure that this lost generation of dancers, choreographers, etc. remains a part of the fabric of queer history?Research it, talk about it. I teach at Bard College and start every semester talking about AIDS and the culture wars. That gap we will never heal. Make work about it. The way queer art gets held back frequently means finding other ways to tour it. My performances never really tour, so I’m glad for the internet. And now making films. There is so much in our library systems that I wish were open to people from their homes. I think of Harry Shepard’s work, and watching it at the library, and thinking it looked like it was made at Danspance this week. I’m really happy that people are doing research and writing books and doing podcasts. All of these are helpful. A documentary film would be great. With what Jeremy and I began at the library we would certainly be open to talking with more people about a documentary.How do you personally find connection to this lost generation of dancers and choreographers?I had already met people in New York, who are survivors, or had lost loved ones during that time. It opened me into my own research. Harry Kondoleon’s Diary of a Lost Boy really affected me early on.In the library fellowship, listening to Arnie Zane’s interview was so painful because I related so much. Too much. In our presentation, when I read what Zane said about gender in the dance world, I started crying and wasn’t able to recover. And I haven’t recovered. And I won’t. I’m angry. Everything is so behind where it could have been.I never met him and I’ll always miss him. Arnie Zane, Harry Sheppard, Harry Kondoleon and Reza Abdoh are people I feel with me. Energy that is created cannot be destroyed.Was there any particular moment during the making or conceptualization of the piece that surprised or resonated with you?There was a PBS NewsHour from 1987 Jeremy found where heterosexual cis white male artists in power deny to discuss knowing people with AIDS in their dance communities.It helped shape this piece into what isn’t said, what is left out, what is abandoned — the film becomes the haunting of that abuse, that abandonment.Having just gone through a pandemic, what sort of parallels or differences do you see from the fallout we’re still dealing with today and the AIDS epidemic?They are two totally different experiences but they are both high experiences of nonconsensual reality. The price of this nonconsensual reality is extreme trauma at best, death at worst. A huge difference is how quickly the Covid vaccines were made, which I believe was far less about public safety and far more about keeping people on the track, the conveyor belt of “the economy,” of which it is clear this “economy” is a big joke on the 99 percent, with the rich having only become richer during this pandemic.What does “queer isolation” mean to you?I am told by the majority that being queer is unnatural, that it doesn’t exist in the “natural world”. I am also told by the majority that I chose it. Using this logic means: I have chosen not to exist. I have direct experience of not being heard, of being lied about, of being lied to. I have direct experience of people working very hard to erase me and I have been infected by them and at times erased myself. Dead time while I’m still alive. That is what queer isolation means to me.What do you hope people ultimately take away from the film?Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have. Photos courtesy of Jack Ferver https://www.papermag.com/jack-ferver-nowhere-apparent-2659481706.html

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

[olderthannetfic]

Hi! I know you're one of the older fans on Tumblr & I wanted to ask you about the anti movement. I'm 19 & when I see people talking about the ages of anti fans, they're often within the 14-25 age range & I have no idea why. I also feel it's a little unfair to say that younger fans tend to be antis, though it is understandable since I've also made mistakes when I didn't know things. Why do you think most antis are younger fans? What should younger fans who aren't antis do to be more involved?

Hee! I’m 40, which, tbh, actually isn’t that old for Tumblr (though it’s certainly old compared to the common perception of tumblr), so sure, I can probably answer this. I guess there are two questions here: 1. Is it true and 2. why, if so?

1. Experience suggests that antis do tend to be young... but it does not follow that young people tend to be antis. (You’d have to know the proportion of antis relative to the overall population of fandom, which we don’t. I think the majority of people of any age tend to want to read fic in peace and not be roped into endless wank.) I definitely see some ringleaders who are older and good at manipulating fandom trends for their own ends too.

2. Why would this be the case?

When I was in college, we used to joke about all the freshman year Marxists. It’s an eternal phenomenon: people who don’t have much experience learn a new thing and are on fire to change the world using the one tool in their toolbox. (To a man with a hammer, yadda yadda.) There’s no passion like the passion of the newly converted, and young people tend to have a lot more energy and often a lot more free time to yell on social media. Antis may be one expression of this among people currently in that age bracket. It’s not like people my age didn’t do other annoying-ass things when we were that age. You just don’t see it because it was 20 years ago, a lot of it was never online, and all the websites/platforms from then have been systematically destroyed. (Often by yahoo. Fuck yahoo.)

The other half of the reason, in my opinion, is that there have been concerted efforts to sway lefty/socially liberal people in specific--often TERFy--ways. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the right wing radicalization of gamer guys.

People are susceptible to it because their lives suck and because they don’t know enough history or have enough confidence to form their own opinions and stand up for them. Sure, some people are going to go hardcore for anti views no matter how much they know, but a lot of people are just being swept along with the tide because something sounds superficially pro-gay or pro-protecting kids or whatever.

I cannot emphasize enough that the things that make someone ripe for the alt right are the same things that make them ripe for cults and for various kinds of toxic fandom shit: it’s usually the smart, sensitive overthinkers who don’t have enough close actual friends and who aren’t in a good place in their lives.

---

So what can you do?

You can try to make fewer more significant friendships and make sure your support system isn’t people you only know because you currently share a fandom. Most of my offline friends are people I found through fandom meetups, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for making fandom your life and only hanging out with fandom people, but we’re just regular friends who have dinner parties and shit (well, when it’s not the plaguetimes). Most of the time, we don’t share specific ships or fandoms. It’s vitally important to have a real support network that can’t be ripped away by social media wank.

The next thing we can all do is publicly stand up for what we believe in and not cave to pressure just because someone yelled “think of the children”. It’s important to be clear about the real history and logic behind these things, whether it’s the history of censorship that inspires people to support AO3′s extremely permissive policies or the fact that ‘queer’ was a fully reclaimed umbrella term in the 90s.

It’s okay if we don’t all agree. What’s not okay is appeals to emotion and ignoring science. A lot of anti bullshit is like “Rape fantasies are an abnormal red flag”, and this goes against every damn thing we know about human sexuality.

Part of this is examining our own stances for illogic and hypocrisy. If thought crimes aren’t real, then all of them aren’t real. I see way too many “Okay, but that one gross kink though!” comments from people who claim to be on my side, and this is very silly.

Possibly the biggest thing, though, is that we as a planet need to start being savvier about shitty social media and how it’s destroying our mental health. I don’t have a good overall solution, and obviously, I’m still on tumblr, but we all really need to cut down the amount of time we’re on sites like Facebook and Twitter and probably tumblr too. The more it has an algorithm and the less it has moderation, the more it’s a problem. Individual discords and spaces that can have moderation are better. It’s fine if some of them are 100% antis. The point is to have multiple spaces with rules that suit different groups.

A thing you can do is make your own spaces: be the owner of a discord for your ship, not just a passive participant at the mercy of shitty mods in an existing one. Run a fic exchange with rules you think are sensible and be firm when people try to scream about problematique things you don’t agree are a problem. One of the most pernicious anti problems is mods breaking the rules of their own spaces (usually a “no kinkshaming” one) to cave to social pressure from the loudest, most assholish set of people in the server. They don’t know how many people quietly disapprove and quietly leave their fandoms because they only fear the loud harassers, not the silent toll of caving to them.

Honestly, the climate of fear is the big issue more than a bit of yelling: I routinely meet 20-somethings who live in fear of being canceled and shunned. You can help this by... not being like that with your friends. If they’re friends with a canceled person, don’t ask them to drop the canceled person or face the same fate. If you disagree about some fandom hot take, talk about it calmly and don’t act like the friendship will be over in 5 seconds and you’ll use all your knowledge of them against them in a public callout because they didn’t instantly agree.

Basically, have some self confidence and don’t be fucking terrified all the time... which can be a tall order and probably explains the age thing also.

[anamatics]

Your opinion on old fandom forums vs, fandom today?

I didn't answer this one last night as I wanted to be able to type out a proper response, and one that's partly adapted from an essay I wrote back in 2016.

As a fandom old, I’ve spent a long time in fandom spaces. I did my time with writing slash and het ships, but I always loved writing stories for me about people like me. I have witnessed first-hand the rise and fall of listservs and live journal as places where people who liked femslash gathered to discuss their favorite shows. I know a lot of fandom history. When I comment on the events in fandom, it still comes from my position as a fan, not as a creative. I want to preface all of these thoughts with this.

Fandom used to be something that you didn't talk about. It was secret, never mentioned in public, zines and stories mailed back and forth across the country. The internet changed that, people's attitudes toward things like queer and trans identity changed that, people's want to see diversity on their screens changed that. Yet, at the same time, there is a whole new generation of young queer creatives emerging onto the writing scene who have grown up witnessing the rise and fall of these great, monolithic fandoms that exist beyond the space of shows themselves. More and more, networks, writers, and producers are paying attention to what the fandom says and to what they react to.

This is why I don't really like fandom these days, because I've seen both sides. I struggled with this working on Carmilla as someone who had been, and in may ways still was, a fan. I know fans have power, I've done things because I know fans have power. And yet, I felt like I'd lost my place in a community - in old fandom - because of this realization. And I myself asking questions about my place in new fandom. Questions that, most of the time, had no answers.

Is it valid to be both grateful for the acknowledgement of fan desires within the creative side of television and web writing and a little horrified by the amount of entitlement that any capitulation by those productions seems to engender within fans? Am I valid in feeling trapped by this feeling of wanting to be the best possible arbiter of representation and knowing that I can never be perfect because the perfection demanded by the queer community isn’t achievable? Does my voice even matter in fandom circles anymore because I’ve “crossed over” to the other side? Am I allowed to continue to speak critically about representation in shows that are not my own because I haven’t “fixed mine yet”?

I struggled with this when Carmilla was airing. I still struggle with it now, too, because I see how trolls on Twitter and Tumblr have reacted to folks like me speaking out about problems we see in our communities or within fandom. People like me aren’t allowed to criticize fandom, or fandom culture, because we’re no longer seen as truly a part of it: by being creators who can’t always live up to fandom’s sometimes unreasonable standards, we’re now considered just part of the problem. We can’t critique behaviors and call things out within this fandom community that should also represent us because when we do we’re hurting the fandom community.

Every queer creative out there has shouldered some of this hurt, I know I have. I stand by what I’ve said despite the backlash. If you cannot believe in the truth you speak, what good are you to a community looking to you for change?

Those who speak to the internal problems of fandom culture are shouted down. People with years of fandom experience, who are far more knowledgeable of the history of fandom (and especially the femslash corners of it) and presence in media than the present-day narrative setters, are shouted down and told that we are part of the problem. Creatives who speak out and criticize other works are treated equally poorly. The problem is that in refusing to look at the problems within our fandom spaces, and saying that everyone outside the group is to blame for the problems of poor representation, we are sticking our fingers in our ears and refusing to look at what’s wrong with us. We eat our own.

The queer community – and by extension the queer fandom community – functions like an ouroboros as far as I can tell. That’s the snake from Norse mythology that eats its tail, representing infinity but also representing the inevitable crush of our own bullshit as it comes down around us with the hopes of becoming a better community. There should be a place within this community for everyone, and yet it’s this same space that is preoccupied with gatekeeping characterized by constant infighting, identity policing, and silencing or invalidating opinions that don’t perfectly align with this vision of what is considered acceptable in the eyes of the thinking of the day.

Queerness is messy. There’s a lot of nuance to it. And there will always be people who want their own community within that umbrella of queerness. That’s a valid want. You want to be around people who are homogenous, because it’s when variety is introduced that feelings get hurt. But the existence of a community for marginalized people should not come at the detriment and degradation of other vulnerable people, nor should it come at the expanse of dismissing intersectionality within our community.

But instead, we eat our own. We dismiss trans headcanons like people in old fandom used to dismiss queer headcanons. We're doing the same bullshit, just rinsed and repeated, directed at a new set of people whose voices are smaller than the small specks of power new fandom has granted (cis, white) queer people.

We fight ourselves amongst because we feel as though we cannot fight the forces of our own oppression. We censor ourselves to make sure that we don’t say anything to upend the proverbial apple cart. We do this not because we’re afraid of the problematic elements outside of the community that could come into our community, but rather because we’re afraid of those within our own community who have the power to kick us out from under our own umbrella and back into the rain.

So when I think about fandom these days, I imagine this moment of losing community. I imagine the hurtful message sent, the dismissive post on the forum, the hateful tweet, actions that cost nothing when they are directed at creators, fan writers, fan artists. These people exist to create content that is to be consumed. They aren't human. They aren't even real. They're just the producers of content that fandom sucks up like a vacuum cleaner without bothering to engage with the creators except to demand more or demand better. Nothing makes you feel alienated from your community like realizing you only exist to produce for it and when you don't produce to standards, you are attacked.

What's worse is that a lot of folks in fandom don't even think about this these days. There's no risk in blasting off a message or a tweet. But social media is an echo chamber. It’s a hive mind, and it’s a place where people can get hurt, very badly, and very quickly. Social media should not be used as a weapon to badger the people trying to get into positions where they can create change, which is what I feel new fandom has done. But at the same time, new fandom has also become a space where voices can be uplifted, where people can be seen and heard who maybe weren't before.

So TL;DR, I think social media ruined fandom, I have a lot of baggage/trauma from working on a show as fandom was transitioning from old fandom to new fandom, and like... we have to be better to each other.

[metanoiamorii]

Wip Re-Introduction: A Rope In Hand

❛Horror is like a serpent; always shedding its skin, always changing. And it will always come back. It can’t be hidden away like the guilty secrets we try to keep in our subconscious.❜

♧ Title: A Rope In Hand [ARIH]

♧ Status: First Drafting

♧ Point of View: Third Person, flexible between a few

♧ Genre: Dark Fantasy, Supernatural, LGBTQ+, Action, Drama

♧ Warnings: This story revolves around the occult. There will be talk of witch hunts and trials and cults. There will be torture methods used to gain confessions, and these methods will be justified under religious belief. There will be toxic and abusive relationships, particularly family; finding an escape from them, and healing from the trauma. There will be homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, and colonization. There will be major character deaths, but I can spoil after the book ends the main characters do get a happy ending. Each chapter and scene posted will have personalized warnings, but these are the main things to expect.

♧ Featuring: The majority of the characters will be LGBTQ+, from pansexual, homosexual, to asexual; genderfluid, agender/nonbinary, and transgender. Each character is complex and morally grey. Yes, they will do things that are blatantly terrible, or actively good. Overall, they will be morally grey and questionable at best. There will be complex world-building, from both the universe it takes place in, and the religious pantheons brought up. The religions brought up will be polytheistic and animism-themed. The romance between the major characters will be slow-burn enemies to friend to lovers, and them learning to love themselves through one another. There will be an exploration on generational healing, and unlearning toxic, and bias believes.

♧ Setting: The setting is influenced by Victorian London, and Medieval Ireland. There will be mention of other places, primarily western Europe, the Ottoman Empire, Ancient Rome, Eastern Asia, and Napoleonic France.

♧ Synopsis:

In the town of Arkaley, in the northwest of the Duchy of Ruairc, the people have been plagued by bad fortune and crime. Attacks of bandits on the road, raids from pirates on the shores, untimely deaths of children and young women, elected officials coming out corrupt; there is no end in Arkaley of the suffering the locals endure.

Rationally, to explain such a bad string of luck, there is only one possible explanation: Witchcraft.

The Duchy of Ruairc already has a history of witchcraft: the Ó Ruaircs turned out to be witches, the Abondé incident in Salem, the Liathain incident in Trakee; the Ruaircs have their record. Perfectly acceptable for everyone to assume the worse of the Ruairish, as they have proved to be nothing but.

To prove his worth, the young Reverend Prudence Clemency Frye, takes up the task of quelling this coven of witches and heading this witch-hunt. Young and naïve, witch only knowledge from books and little hands-on experience, he’s unprepared for this challenge. When he finally leaves the town, well… everyone would rather put this incident behind them.

♧ Tease:

My darling dear, a knave so clear

You appear, so bravely near;

Do you hear my darling dear, sneers of austere jeers?

Behave, my dear, when I am near;

For peers will lear, in their fear,

Allow me o' dear our persevere

So my fave you appear

And volunteer a slave so dear 

in an atmosphere we fear.

my darling dear, wave so clear

Depravely as we leave, and give a souvenir;

My lips to yours, as you crave in these fallin' years. 

Be brave darling dear, and give into hearts o' queer.

For mine you be, your darling dear, 

To the stars you have swore in love, so crystal clear.

My peers shall sneer, but whore I be, and you I crave

Oh so bare. slurs and glares, just listen to my prayers.

Kiss me love, and leave o'they to a'crave 

In this atmosphere that we fear

Their own, o' pure, knave so dear.

♧ Excerpt:

".... This is wrong." Prudence finds the words slipping from his lips, voice a quiet whisper; a breathless tone of voice. He allows his fingertips to falter against scarred skin, watching as Mastema turned his cheek, he pressed himself into the palm of Prudence's hand. Eyes closed, a smile curled on his face. Prudence couldn't help but smile at the scene, but slowly, slowly, slowly, he rescinded his hand; breaking the hold.

"Revered..." Matching his voice, Mastema replied. Maintaining such a soft voice, as he shifted himself forward on the bed. One foot to the ground, the other drawn beneath himself. Over Prudence he leaned, resting one palm to the sheets, the other lifting to seize Prudence's hand before he could recoil back. "You have made me feel something in which I've never felt before..."

From where he laid, Prudence could only form a soft frown. He knew he could draw his hand back, the grip was far from tight. But he didn't. He laid there, allowing Mastema to hold his hand. "... This is wrong, Mastema."

Mastema frowned; he matched the reaction Prudence wore. Through it, he forced a half-smile, tightening his grip on the other's hand, and forward he brought Prudence's hands to kiss the knuckles. "... If this is wrong, I do not wish to be right."

At the response, Prudence shook his head. "It is not for us to be right or wrong, the gods—"

At the angle he sat, Mastema shifted once more. He dropped Prudence's hand, to lean forward; to lean in close. Both of his palms found the other's cheek, as he touched their foreheads to one another. "... Do not force your will onto another." In that soft whisper, he spoke. Eyes closed, breath drawn in. "Is that not a Commandment of our Creator?"

"I..." Prudence faltered. In, he drew his breath, to try to steady himself. "... I did not take you for the religious sorts."

"I'm not." Mastema all too quickly retorted. But as he was, he laid; this proximity. "But you are."

♧ Characters:

The Order of Witchesbane

Prudence Clemency Frye; The Reverend

Half Fae/Half Human • Intersex • Genderfluid • He/They • Homosexual • Homo-demiromantic

The bastard son of Lord Zachariah Frye. Raised by his father, with his mother dying young, he took to following in his footsteps. He became a religious young man and an active witch-hunter. A part of him desires his father’s acceptance, his praises; the other part despises his father and everything the man stands for. In recent years, he has joined the De La Cruz household, becoming an apprentice beneath the famous Witch’s Advocate; upholding the beliefs that not every witch is evil and has foul intentions, and the ones that mean harm are the only ones that should be hunted.

Zachariah Frye; The Bloodhound

Human • Male • He/Him • Bicurious • Aromantic

The oldest living member of the Order. Now he is the man that holds the face of the Order, who you think of when they come to mind. Cold. Vindictive. Despotic. Violent. He is not a good man. He is firm in his beliefs and stubborn to change. Once his mind is made up, he cannot be reasoned with. He is blindly convinced of his beliefs and his cause to eradicate every living witch, unfazed if he has to fill a few innocent thousands in the process.

Calisto Ferzan Hermengildo Melchior Lorencio De La Cruz; The Witch’s Advocate

Half Fae/Half Human • Amab • Nonbinary • Genderfluid • He/They • Asexual • Aromantic

A witch-hunter in title alone, Calisto has been making enemies since he could first talk. He’s always enjoyed being the underdog, going against the expectations of society, being ridiculed by his peers. The sole reason? Proving them wrong. To ridicule his own peers for their outdated beliefs, he’s taken to defending witches, proving them innocent of their ‘crimes’, and going on to help them to set up a life in a country more accepting of witchcraft

The servant of Calisto, never seen far from his side. He is a servant in name alone and is more-or-less an assassin, a hitman for Calisto. Held in contempt by Athylian society for being a foreigner, he often treated by others more as a slave than a servant. To help be unseen, to help the De La Cruz Household, Michelotto endures the treatment and goes as far to be perceived as ignorant, alongside him being born a mute. Keeping his true intents and intelligence duly guarded, only a handful are aware he is also a witch.

Myk'loumihr [Michelotto Dougal] Siavash; The Man-Servant

Witch; Amab • Agender • He/They • Asexual • Aromantic

Austin Duvine; The Lord Without A Ring

Half-Human/Half Fae • Amab • Nonbinary • He/They • Pansexual • Demiromantic

One of the younger members of the order, Austin relies on his father's wealth and name. He doesn't care for responsibilities, he doesn't care for hard work. He's a playboy at heart. He's fit to hold social events, and use his natural talent to gib and fib his way through life. He'll keep his mixed feelings to himself, struggling with doing the right thing or upholding tradition.

Alistair Lavine; The Witchfinder General

Human • Amab • Agender • He/They • Bicurious • Aromantic

The best friend to Zachariah and his right hand. Where Zachariah is business and lacks charms, Alistair can charm a crowd and hold their attention. He knows how to feign being an ideal human, without letting on his own bloodlust; he's a monster in human skin. At the end of the day, unlike Zachariah, Alistair does have morals and standards he will abide by, even if they come back to ruin him.

━━━━━━━━━━

The Vakari Coven

Ausrine Baoghal; The Lady

Witch • Female • She/Her • Bisexual • Aromantic

The woman in charge of the town, widowed and inheriting the right to rule as her husband had no heirs. She is a manipulative and dangerous woman, eager to commit any sin or crime for more power. She, in truth, cares only for herself and would feel no remorse if she had to turn on one of her coven to further her own agenda.

The magistrate and also the chief policeman of the town. He maintains a  calm, but manipulative personality. As a front, he presents himself to be fair and just, liked and favored by the people for genuinely caring for them. While in truth he has his own heinous and sinister agenda, aiding Ausrine in her plans.

Leary O'Laoghaire; The Magistrate

Witch • Male • He/Him • Bicurious • Aromantic

The oldest member of the coven, Dairine lives under the guise of an elderly woman, who lives alone with her children and grandchildren already leaving her to live their own lives. She is a kind and understanding woman and cares for the younger witches in the coven. She will not support Baríon with her agenda, nor does she care for the servant girl, she even despises the so-called ally Ausrine claims to have and who they all adhere to.

Dairine Ó Séaghdha; The Crone

Witch • Afab • Agender • She/They • Asexual • Aromantic

The acting servant of Barion, Anisha’s true loyalties lie elsewhere. She stays within the town, serving the coven while acting as the eyes and ears of someone, the person who is truly pulling the strings. She is the one to relay information and letters between the coven and her master.  She is a quiet woman, that keeps her head down and her mind to herself. She only shows her true, confident and demanding, nature behind closed doors with the coven when they dare to question her.

Anisha Kaur; The Servant

Witch • Afab • Demigirl • She/They • Asexual • Aromantic

The charming son of Leary. Many whisper that is part fae, due to his charm, if it’s true or not many are unaware. He is a very sophisticated young man, that has managed to wrap the entire town around his finger. While on the surface he is alike his father is a caring, compassionate, charming young man, something sinister brews beneath. He is devious, demanding, domineering.

Nathir O'Laoghaire; The Magistrate’s Son

Half-Witch/Half-Fae • Amab  • Agender • He/Him • Bisexual • Aromantic

Being the baker's daughter, Liannah helps around the bakery and family business. Unlike the company she keeps, she is a reserved young woman. She is polite and maintains her manners with whomever she is dealing with. She has the patience of a saint and rarely loses her cool. Liannah is a woman with a calm demeanor about her, being a woman many are comfortable around due to her peaceful and calm aura.

Liannah Ó Buachalla; The Baker’s Daughter

Witch • Afab • Genderfluid • She/They • Asexual • Panromantic

Ausrine's bastard son she had with a spirit she bargained with for more power. Since he was young, he was raised by the servants of the house, and the coven, over his own mother; the two have more of a business relationship over a family one. Since he cares less about what his mother does, he spends his time with Liannah and Reyes, either at the bakery or getting into trouble somewhere. With Reyes as an influence, Mastema is a flirtatious man that enjoys scandals and making the most of life

Mastema Baoghal; The Knave

Half-Witch/Half-Spirit • Amab • Genderfluid • He/They • Pansexual • Demiromantic

Rochan Misra; The Charlatan

Half-Witch/Half-Spirit • Amab • Queer • He/She • Pansexual • Aromantic

A foreigner to the Coven, born and raised in the Duchy of Incali. At a young age, he became a traveling charlatan, recently settling within the coven only as he befriended Liannah and Mastema and enjoyed their company. Now, he is the local bad influence: scamming locals out of their money at the taverns, wooing and seducing young men and ladies alike, always trespassing and vandalizing something. He is trouble but has a heart of gold when it matters.

ARIH: : @hekat-ie, @writings-of-a-narwhal, @silent-creed

━━━━━━━━━━

Taglist:

General: @endlesshourglass, @writerray, @poore-choice-of-words, @alexwritesfiction, @primusesgiantmetalballbearings

Both: @cecilsstorycorner, @little-boats-on-a-lake, @hazard-writes, @egg-shark

[dailydnp]

YouTube stars and LGBT+ influencers Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard on how they and their queer fans have helped each other through “radical bravery”.

Dan Howell, a comedian and one of world’s most popular YouTubers, and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, lesbian YouTube star and disability advocate, have had vastly different experiences as queer content creators.

The two LGBT+ YouTubers spoke to PinkNews to mark the launch of The Rise, a YouTube campaign that celebrates diverse UK creative talent on the platform.

Having already made YouTube videos for 10 years, Dan came out publicly in June 2019, in a 45-minute video titled “Basically I’m gay”.

He described his coming out story as “very strange”, and told PinkNews: “Me already being this kind of obnoxiously, omnipresent public figure, I had to kind of go on this process.

“I’ve known how gay I was since forever, but had to go on the whole journey of not just working out how I would communicate that to the world, but truly reaching a point of self-acceptance.

“Because on some level throughout all of my life, I’ve accepted it but not really acknowledged it. I said: ‘I’m not ready yet, now’s not the time, I don’t know how.'”

Jessica, on the other hand, explained that she has “never struggled” with her sexuality, having always known she would be accepted.

“I have a very different coming out story to most LGBT+ people in that I was raised in a Quaker family, and there was never the expectation that I was going to grow up and get a husband and that this was the way things happened… So I’ve never struggled with my sexuality in that way,” she said.

While Jessica uses her online platform to discuss her life as an LGBT+ person as well as queer history, much of her audience comes to her channel for her disabilities advocacy.

She has two rare genetic conditions, HNPP and EDS, which affect her nerves and connective tissues. She is deaf, visually impaired and her conditions can affect her mobility with varying severity.

“Being a disabled and chronically ill teenager, I had this big thing in my life that was really difficult, and a real struggle, and being gay just paled in comparison,” she said.

“There was obviously the drama, the girls that I liked didn’t liked me, they always turned out to be straight. But that was the biggest drama.

“When I started YouTube, I was already married, it was already very much like, this is who I am. I’m gay, this is my wife. There’s no question. There’s no worrying about it.”

She added: “I like to think that that does, in a way, represent what our future is going to be –  that we don’t have to have these coming out stories where people worry about how they’re going to be accepted, and worried about the response they’re going to get.”

Dan Howell wishes he’d had queer role models like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard when he was growing up.

Dan Howell said that YouTubers like Jessica Kellgren-Fozard could have helped him immensely when he was discovering his LGBT+ identity.

“If there was someone like Jessica when I was a young person watching YouTube, I just know I would have had a profoundly different journey through life and coming to accept my sexuality,” he said.

“I would have been represented, I would have learned about queer history, I would have been seeing different relationships, seeing different personalities.”

From LGBT+ issues to disabilities and mental health, both Dan and Jessica have used their platforms to share their experiences in areas that are vastly underrepresented in mainstream media, showing their viewers many facets of their identities.

In 2017, Dan used his YouTube channel to discuss his struggle with his mental health, in a video titled “Daniel and Depression”.

“There’s many aspects to a human,” he said. “I’ve always come from a place of just talking about whatever’s on my mind, or whatever is important to me.

“It was quite a jump for me to make that first video about mental health, opening up about depression out of nowhere was quite scary. Because even three or four years ago, it was still more of a taboo topic.

“I tried to do it in my own way, which is to kind of inappropriately joke about it at my own expense, and try to make it a storytelling experience. That’s just the same as everything else I do.”

Jessica said that from her point of view, “the best representation is always ‘happens to be'”.

“It’s the idea that you have a character who’s going on an adventure, you have someone who’s talking to you about makeup, and they just happen to be gay. Because otherwise we’re not really going to be reaching outside of our own echo chamber.”

She explained that some viewers end up watching 10 of her videos without ever realising that she’s married to a woman, which she thinks is “the best way to kind of have any change and effect on the culture and and people in the world”.

“Because if we’re always trying to preach to the choir, we’re not really going to get anywhere,” she said.

“But if people are thinking so-and-so on TV is absolutely amazing and then later find out that they’re gay, maybe they’ll be changing some preconceived notions.”

“It’s this kind of sneaky, insidious way that the gay agenda will thrive and inevitably take over the world,” laughed Dan. “Winning hearts and minds.”

One particularly heartwarming example, Jessica said, was when a fan used her videos to come out to their parents.

“She was raised in a very religious household and her parents were not at all open to the idea of homosexuality. In fact, if they were watching television, and something came up relating to the subject, they would immediately turn it off, change the channel, perhaps say something wasn’t particularly lovely.

“She was sat there feeling like, ‘Oh, am I ever going to come out my parents?'”

The fan decided to curate a playlist of Jessica’s videos to show her mother.

“It started with videos that I made about my religion,” she said, “and then transitioned to fashion and videos about history. And just slowly, each video was a slightly gayer video.”

“Her mother became a fan within the first 20 videos. She was like: ‘This seems like a good role model for my child.’

“Eventually [she realised] this role model has a wife and is gay, and is OK with this. And her parents are religious and OK with her being gay… I was able to provide a tool for someone to do that to come out in quite a safe way to their parents.”

The “radical bravery” of his queer fans helped Dan Howell come out.

Dan Howell, on the other hand, said that his fans were the ones who helped him feel safe to come out.

While still in the closet, he said he found it “difficult” that he viewers saw him as someone who was always “open and honest” with them, especially after sharing his experience with depression.

“I went on a world tour in 2018… I was doing these meet and greets, and people would genuinely pour their hearts out to me, and they would talk about everything they were going through in their life,” he said.

“They would talk about illness, they would talk about mental health. And so many people talked about sexuality, just because the community that had been created had this attitude of acceptance and growth and coming together and wholesomeness.”

While he understands that there was “no presumption [he] was a homophobe”, he found it confusing when people would tell him that he had inspired them to come out.

“It was difficult, because I stood there feeling like I was a sham. People were saying: ‘I feel strong enough to say this to you, because you’ve been so open and vulnerable to me.’ And I was just stood there like: ‘Well, actually, I feel like there’s the biggest part of me that I haven’t even yet gone on the journey to acknowledge myself.’

“I mean, I’ve had people that came out to me in front of their parents, because they felt like they were in a safe environment, and that’s crazy.

“The radical bravery of some of these people is what made me think if I was feeling like a little scared dog in my apartment, looking in the mirror like a chihuahua, thinking: ‘How am I ever going to come out publicly at this stage of my life?’ I would think well, actually, look at the younger generation.”

In the ‘chaos’ of the internet, queer YouTubers like Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard building valuable communities.

While the internet can be a scary place for queer folk, Dan Howell and Jessica Kellgren-Fozard are determined to use it to build community and acceptance.

“I think that we don’t talk enough about the wonderful sides of the internet,” said Jessica.

“How it allows people to come together and create a community, how it gives us access to education that might before been blocked to us, how we’re able to actually learn from people who come before us.

“I really like talk about queer history, because we’re one of the only communities and minorities that can’t pass down out knowledge through the generations. Because you know, gay people don’t necessarily have gay kids.

“We often miss out on learning from our elders and learning what’s come before us. And I think it’s really important and lovely that we talk about and validate and really cherish these communities that are available to us on the internet.”

Dan added: “When you look at the chaos of the internet and various online communities, I think it is good to see when people are creating content that can make people feel better.

“For all of the terrifying chaos of the freedom of the internet and creating on YouTube, it also lets people emerge that may not have been represented, you can create the content that you wish someone was making for you.

“And I think that’s one of the best things.”

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Aki’s Arrival

(Story Post)

Sydryn sat patiently waiting in Diederich's apartment with Nari. The wizard, the demons, and Kardynkyr had gone through about an hour ago but time was not much of a worry for a dragon and a vampire. They shared the moment in silence. Sydryn took the time to flip through one of Diederich's many books. Nari pet Diederich's cat in his lap and stared off into space. They could be there for many hours more if the others didn't soon return. The wizard came through first, carrying a small bag of grocery's he'd gotten from a Seoul convenience store. He went over to Nari and placed a kiss on his cheek. “Have a good zone out?” Diederich asked massaging his boyfriend's shoulders. “Hm?” Nari looked up at him. “Yeah. It was fine.” “Are they coming through too?” Sydryn asked lowering their literature. “Yes, they're right behind,” Diederich assured.

A moment later, Kardynkyr stepped through the door in human disguise, hand in hand with another. The young person at their side had long purple hair, heart shaped freckles, and wore an oversized pink sweater. With one hand clasped with Kardynkyr’s, the other clung to their middle. Like Kardynkyr, they weren't visibly pregnant yet, even less so in their loose clothes. They looked frightened and melancholic. “Akiaziri the Soft.” Sydryn stood up and replaced their book on a bookshelf. They approached the purple dragon. “Did you travel well?” Akiaziri nodded quickly. “Yes… The demon teleportation was rough, but the portal is like nothing at all.” Diederich smiled taking it as a compliment. “Thank you very much. I take pride in my seamless portals.” Akiaziri bowed to the wizard. “Thank you for your craftsmanship.” Diederich blushed a little and Nari patted his chest. “Chill.” Akiaziri seemed to be having a hard time looking up at Syd and instead concentrated on the other dragon's feet. “Sydryn… Is it true you can help me?” “Akiaziri, I applied myself to medicine in the pursuit of knowledge,” Sydryn stated. “However, in that pursuit I took an oath to help those who need me the most. But, we can discuss this more when we get home.” “And you're okay with us staying in your home?” Akiaziri queried. Sydryn sighed. “You wouldn't be here if I wasn't… There are some house rules, but I'll go over them when we get there.” “Okay. Thank you.” Akiaziri nodded slowly. “You’re already wearing pink so I imagine you’re aware of the dress code already,” Sydryn stated. “Yes, Kardynkyr told me,” Akiaziri confirmed. “I like pink too though.” “Funny, the one who informed you of the code wilfully ignores it,” Sydryn scoffed. Kardynkyr shrugged. “These other dragons don’t hoard their colours like you and me. They can follow your rules.” Sydryn looked to Kardynkyr. “Did you at least do what I asked of you today?” “Oh, yeah.” Kard perked up and let go of Akiaziri's hand so they could pull out a thin black card from their pocket and hand it to Nari. “There you go, little vamp. Go nuts.” Nari took it and looked it over. It was sleek, shiny and had bit of heft to it. Embossed across the top were the words Arhiva Vampira and along the bottom Patronova propusnica. On the reverse side, there was a magnetic strip and a space with Nari's name written on it once in Hangul and once Romanised. “This is all I need then?” Nari asked. “Yep. Flash, swipe, or scan that and you can get anywhere you need,” Kardynkyr said. “It's a Patron's Pass, friend edition. You have access to anything I have access to. And if you run into any trouble, ask for Kobann here.” They patted the demon's chest. “Should I expect trouble?” Nari asked. Kardynkyr sighed and rubbed their neck. “I'm not gonna lie, the vamps that run it can be real dicks... But I'm having Kobann camp out there for a bit to make sure everything's smooth.” “Thank you. I appreciate it.” Nari pocketed the card. “Don't mention it. I funded that library specifically so vampires could share their history and knowledge,” Kardynkyr said. “It's yours. The only rule is you can't remove or copy any of the literature from the library. That includes photography and video but excludes note-taking.” Nari nodded. “Understood. Reference library.” Kardynkyr took up Akiaziri’s hand again and gave it a gentle kiss. “We should go so you can get some rest...” Akiaziri took back their hand quickly, blushing strongly. “Not in front of Sydryn!” “What? They know I love you,” Kardynkyr stated. “You have nothing to fear of Syd. They’re a big softie, aren't you Auntie?” Sydryn frowned. “I'm not at all sure I know what you're talking about, but you need not fear me.” “Either way, I’m not comfortable with that kind of touch...” Akiaziri said. “Not while I'm...like this...” “Alright, no kisses,” Kardynkyr promised. “Can I hold your hand, though?” “That's fine...” Akiaziri allowed. “No finger games.” “Of course not.” Kardynkyr offered their hand again for Akiaziri to take. “I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I just have the urge to kiss you whenever I set my eyes on you.” Diederich smiled beside Nari. “Dragons in love. I feel like I'm witnessing something very rare here. Correct me if I'm wrong.” “No, it truly is queer of our species, but the young will do what they want,” Sydryn stated. “Anyway, no offense Diederich, but the scent of some of your plants don't balance well with my nose. I'd like to get home. Best of luck to you both.” “Yeah, thank you for the help,” Diederich said, rubbing Nari's back. “Ora, Kobann,” Kardynkyr commanded. “Last trip for today. Get us back to Syd's.” Kobann touched Sydryn’s shoulder and they disappeared then Ora got behind Kardynkyr and Akiaziri to transport them. A moment later, Diederich and Nari were alone again in the wizard's apartment. “Dragons,” Diederich mused. “I never would have thought studying magic would lead me to meet not only one, but three dragons. The beauty, the horns, magnificent.” “You saw their dragon forms?” Nari asked. “When? In Seoul?” Diederich shook his head. “No, no, they never broke disguise. It's just these eyes, you know.” Nari smirked. “So, I imagine you can tell they're pregnant too then.” “Hell yeah. The colours are immaculate.” Nari chuckled. “Well, don't let them know you know. It's supposed to be a secret.” “I won't tell a soul.”

[whenrockwasyoung19]

It’s Time to Talk about a Bespectacled Elephant in the Room

I’ve been in the Beatles fandom for 8 and a half years. I have had a Beatles blog for the entirety of those 8 and a half years, and I have watched as discourse about these four men evolve. The discourse inside and outside the fandom has become so toxic that I don’t think I can engage with it in the same way that I could before. Let me explain. 

When I entered this fandom 8 and a half years ago, it was in 2012, quite an infamous year in tumblr history. That was the pique of “”cringey”” fandom culture. The Beatles fandom was as steeped in fandom culture as any other fandom. I know this because I was part of two of the top of fandoms at the time, Doctor Who and Sherlock. Believe me, I have seen cringe. 

The fandom at the time was totally aware of the John, Paul, George, and Ringo’s flaws as individuals, but most fans tended to simply enjoy Beatles fandom as if it were the 60s. Some might call it ignorant bliss. If you asked me at the time, I’d have said it was self-aware ignorant bliss--if that even makes sense. At the time, there wasn’t a person with a Beatles icon who hadn’t heard the line “John Lennon beat his wife.” Everyone knew it, but everyone also knew the real story, and so everyone just made peace with it. As a result, people didn’t think about every bad thing the Beatles ever did on a daily basis. It was more like a once-a-month kind of thing. Otherwise, fandom discourse was quite fun and relaxed. There were no shipping wars, no one fought over who was the best Beatle, everyone gushed over the Beatles wives, and we all just had fun with fics and fan art. 

Of course, in this period, people engaged in conversations about one bespectacled Beatles problematic behavior. These conversations usually came from outside of the fandom. It was usually randos coming into the tags or into someone’s ask box and ranting about John Lennon’s violent behavior. Some of it came from within the fandom. Some people really didn’t like John and gave others shit if they listed John as their favorite Beatle. A lot of the discourse boiled down to: ‘hey, I see you like John Lennon. You should know that he beat his wife. And now that you know that, you should feel bad about ever liking him in the first place.’ And the response was often, ‘Actually, John Lennon didn’t beat his wife. They weren’t even married at the time. And also he didn’t beat her, he slapped her once in the face, and then never did it again.’ No one’s minds were changed. The fans had made their peace, and the antis came off as cynical and pretentious. 

When Dashcon happened, and Tumblr took a hard look at its cringey fandom culture, the Beatles fandom evolved as well. The fandom became, frankly, less fun. It no longer felt like a group of people who found the Beatles decades after the 60s and were fangirling like it was 1965. There was still some of that left, but a lot of it kind of faded. So, most fandom interactions were reblogging pictures of the Beatles from the 60s and various interview clips and quotes. But the barrage of antis never really went away, and the response didn’t evolve. 

Then, the advent of cancel culture came on. I always waited for the Beatles to get, like, officially canceled, but I also felt they were uncancel-able at the same time. Let me explain. I have been a Beatles fan primarily in an online space, rarely engaging with fans in real life. But I have met fans who are life-long Beatles fans, people who are a lot older than us and who’s fandom isn’t tied to the internet. They don’t give a shit about any of our discourse. They may or may not have heard it before, but they seem totally indifferent to all of it. I’m sure most of them have never heard ‘Mclennon’ before. These are the people that flock to see Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in concert (and pay astronomical prices for it). These are the people who go to record shops and buy vinyl. These are the people I run into at flea markets who buy up all the Beatles merch before I can even arrive (true story). So, the Beatles will never be canceled because there will always be people who love the Beatles and don’t engage with online discourse. Rarely said, but thank god for Gen-X. 

As cancel culture took over the internet, fandoms changed. It’s not as noticeable in fandoms without problematic favs. For instance, I’m also steeped in the Tom Holland fandom, and that boy is a little angel who has done no wrong. No one has discourse about the unproblematic boy who plays an equally unproblematic character. But in fandoms with ‘problematic favs’ the mood has shifted. I’m also in the Taron Egerton fandom. Taron Egerton, for those who only follow me for my Beatles stuff, is a genuinely sweet and kind person who has had zero scandals in his six year career. There were some rumblings when he was cast as Elton John, and some people took issue with the fact that he’s a straight man playing a gay man. This discourse seemed to die quickly as a whole lot of straight people played gay people in that same year (Olivia Coleman as queer Queen Anne, Emma Stone as her queer lover, Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury). Why jump on this boy who at the time was still technically on the rise. He’s not exactly the same target as someone like Scarlett Johansson who has her pick of roles. Taron doesn’t have quite that some power in Hollywood, and I think most people made peace with the fact that this was a big role for him, and it’s not really fair to take that away from him. So, all in all, the closest thing to a scandal was something that died pretty much on arrival. 

That was until this summer when everything changed. When George Floyd was murdered, celebrities flocked to social media to mourn his loss. Taron’s social media account was silent. For weeks, Taron said nothing about Black Lives Matter or Floyd’s death. This caused outrage in the fandom. Many raced to defend him, starting a hashtage #IstandwithTaron. Others sought to tear him down and anyone who supported him. The kind of mania this one incident caused tore through an otherwise peaceful fandom. What I saw was two sides in a total panic. The antis were people who once had faith that Taron was a good person and were now questioning that. Andthe defenders were people who desperately wanted him to be a good person and were afraid that he wasn’t. In essence, both sides could feel Taron about to get canceled. The defenders wanted to stop it, the antis wanted to ride that wave. 

What this long drawn out Taron example is meant to convey: is that cancel culture has put fandoms on edge. One’s fav has to be perfect, otherwise it can jeopardize the existence of the entire fandom. I’ll admit, I was afraid that I’d be some kind of pariah for standing by Taron through all of this. My actions were to basically reason with the antis but still defend Taron. I defend him mostly because I felt that his silence was the result of a needed social media absence and that trying to shame him back onto social media was an invasion of privacy. But I was genuinely afraid that he would get canceled, and the fun of the Taron fandom would be lost. 

In the Beatles fandom, it often feels like the Beatles, mainly John, have already been canceled. I see this coming from two different sources: antis from outside of the fandom and antis within the fandom. The outside antis are just the same as the ones from 2012. These are people who like to drop in that John Lennon beat his wife, posting this in the tag (which violates an ancient tumblr real by the way--no hate in the tags). 

The antis outside the fandom speak to a larger anti-John Lennon sentiment online. I see references to John Lennon ‘beating his wife’  on Tiktok and twitter. The tone of anti-John Lennon posts has shifted. Before, it felt like the antis were being smug but also argumentative. They wanted to have a conversation about this bit of info they read on Reddit with no context. Now, “John Lennon beating his wife” is practically a meme. It’s a running joke online that John Lennon was a wife beater. I can’t look on my instagram explore page because every so often a John Lennon beats his wife meme will pop up amongst the other, normal, memes.

This change in discourse suggests that the internet has just accepted this as fact now. I should note that back in 2012, it seemed as if few people knew this fact. The fandom knew it, and these random antis knew it, but few others did. Now, because of how common these memes are, it seems to be widespread knowledge.

Consequently, the Beatles fandom, who used to ward off attacks from antis, seems to have given in. I recently saw a post from a Beatles blog (had the URL and icon and everything) that confessed they felt guilty for listening to the Beatles, and I’ve seen similar sentiments expressed in the fandom. People tend to put disclaimers in posts about John or even all four that John is an ‘awful man.’ It seems like the self-aware ignorant bliss has completely gone away. Occasionally, I still see posts joyously talking about Mclennon or reblogs of old photos from the 60s. But the culture has shifted. 

Online, it no longer feels comfortable to be a Beatles fan. It feels like you have to own up to 8 decades of mistakes by four men you’ve never met. And, I should note, this is kind of how it feels to be a fan of anything right now. Taron is not canceled today, but he could be tomorrow. It’s this pervasive feeling of guilt that the person you’re supporting may or definitely has or is doing something wrong.

I’ll admit this uncomfortable feeling has expanded into other parts of my fandom life. I listen to their music, and I feel elated--the way I always have. Then, I get these intrusive thoughts which sound like all the worst parts of Twitter combined. It wasn’t always like this. Back in 2012, when I knew almost nothing about them, I saw them as four young men who were full of happiness, love for another, and talent. Back then, listening to their music was exciting and joyous. Sometimes, I fear that I can never feel that way again. Next year, when I finally go to Liverpool, will I be filled with excitement or guilt? 

I say all this for a few reasons. One, I love John Lennon. I appreciate all the good he did for the world not just as a musician and an artist but also his advocacy and charity work. I love him, and a part of me will always love him, but observing the change in discourse has enlightened me as a historian. Part of my job is to observe people’s legacies, and John’s is perhaps the most interesting legacy I’ve ever observed. When he died, he was hailed as a saint. But tall poppy syndrome set in, and the antis started. This culture grew and grew to the point where it seems to, at least among the younger generation, taken over the sainthood. 

But as a historian and a fan, I have never seen the saint or the devil. I’ve only seen the man, the incredibly flawed man. The thing that these antis never understand is that John Lennon was painfully aware of his own flaws to the point where it made him all the more self-destructive. In essence, his past mistakes caused him to make additional mistakes. But John, aware of his own flaws, always tried to change and was often successful. I’ve talked about this before, but John demonstrated that he was capable of being a good person, like properly so, again and again. After he struck Cynthia, he never hit her again. His shortcomings as a father to Julian weren’t repeated with Sean. He worked on his drinking, his drug addiction, and his anger, trying to overcome those demons till the day he died. By all accounts, the John Lennon that died in 1980 is not the John Lennon who struck Cynthia Powell at school. That John Lennon was living a cleaner, healthier life. He was a better father to both his sons by that point, and was trying to repair his relationship with Julian. He was a good husband to Yoko and saw himself living a long and happy life. 

John Lennon cannot and should not be boiled down to just his flaws. It’s one thing as a fan to acknowledge that John is a flawed human being (news flash: they all are), but he is also much bigger than that. 

So once again, why am I writing this long, rambling post, once again talking about John Lennon’s virtues? Because if I can’t engage with healthy discourse about the Beatles and John Lennon, then I can’t engage with discourse on the topic at all. So, I probably will post less Beatles stuff because I find it hard to go through the tags or even my dash (well, I can’t really go through my dash anymore for other reasons I’m not going to get into right now). If any of my followers have noticed a lot of Taron posts lately, it’s not just because I love Taron, it’s because Taron’s  tag is pretty much the only location on tumblr I feel 100% comfortable in. Any foray into John or the Beatles tags becomes uncomfortable and guilt-ridden quickly. 

So, I probably will post less about the Beatles until I can find a blog or a tag that doesn’t give me bad vibes. My fandom will likely outgrow tumblr and the internet. I have a ton of Beatles books; maybe I’ll rely on those. I am doing official scholarly research on them now. Maybe that will be my outlet. I’m sorry if I post less about them now, but it’s really for my own well-being. 

[jckingsley]

Final Paper (Taking back Feminism)

When I first looked for summer courses that would give me knowledge, but could teach me skills and knowledge about what goes on outside of our country. Allowing you to see what life is for some women in the world. Taking this course in the beginning gave me the idea that this course would talk about the idea about holding feminism into our society strong. Little did I know that our course would take steps even farther to truly define what feminism meant to me. I  was able to really get a sense of feminism, once our class started to read Girl by Jamaica Kincaid. This writer took another approach about feminism, but discussed more in detail why women are generally forced to act or dress in a certain way in the world. I knew that in the beginning of this short story. It wasn't very surprising to realize these chores, the mother telling the daughter to do it all required the woman stereotype of being in the kitchen cooking the food or being the one to do the laundry and keep the clothes clean. The whole story has that same idea to it where women are expected to do certain things and dress a certain way to satisfy the expectations of others. A quote that really stood out to me was “Wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap; wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothing-line to dry; don’t walk bare-head in the hot sun; cook pumpkin fritters in the hot sweet oil.” (Kincaid 1) After getting a sense of the meaning behind the short story, it gives you a vision on how women in society are faced with the stereotypes of staying in the kitchen, having no control in their lives without men or society dictating them. After reading this on my own, I began to look back at our common place posts. One that stood out to me was my post about women's domestic abuse that was an image of a protest of women. Holding signs stating “Women have rights” or “Women have brains as well” these signs were to give you a sense of how women are feeling in today's society. Being forced and judged about what you can or can’t wear. I feel that the challenges that women face in society are sad. This should not allow women to give up, but use their past to push themselves away from it. Women will get their safe haven soon, just once society gets weak enough to see that everyone is equal and there is no reason for us to be against each other since we are all we have in the world. Being a woman in today's culture is challenging, but the women in other foreign countries have it much worse. Women in China are around 46% of young models, who were raped and sexually abused by most of the men in the town. Women who are Muslim, get the stereotype that all terrorist or even too naive for the rest of the culture in the world. It is truly sad to hear about the women that endure hateful speech or ungrateful looks from other people in society. This is truly sad to happen to these women. Abused and put in situations that impacted their lives forever. The question that goes to my head is how to help? I mean we talk as a society about how we want to stop hunger, shootings, and domestic violence, but after reading this it has changed my perspective to find a way to help women in services that should be run by the government to protect women by giving them a guide or services to help teach them english which would result in better standing in how they can achieve "The American Dream" in there own way. A post that truly impacted me about this topic was my post about women in society. The image forms of a little girl hiding under the table, above her are all the stereotypes and rules women must follow to keep men and society enlightened. This image takes a real step into how our society continues to keep these stereotypes, but actually forces you to think negatively about women in other countries, unfortunately ours as well.

Talking about women who have suffered from harsh circumstances of rape and domestic abuse. Have such a little voice to speak out for themselves because women are scared of what will happen in society if women speak “out of place.” Which is truly disgusting for me to hear that because women always have a choice in their lives, just that men have a choice in there. Really take that in for a second, that women are so terrified about how their citizens near them could find a way to silence them. As society we must stop this madness of forcing stereotypes on all of us. A post that stood out to me from our common place was an image showing multiple signs of where to go. Each of these signs had obligations for women in how they should live their lives. None of these actions allowed women to find themselves or even have the idea open up about sharing their LGBT part of themselves. The “Me Too'' movement was an important thing for women and our society to find strength together and take down men that had been abusing and sexually harassing them. It is sad how much abuse exists in our society against women but I'm glad that women are finding the strength to speak up. A line that stood out to me was  "shaped by other dimensions of their identities". As I was reading this line and looking at the comments of other classmates, I realized that the comment above this one was really interesting and true. This line in the text confirmed that each individual has their own unique experiences. Everyone experiences life in a different way. Everyone has had different childhoods, teenage years, and adulthoods that impact how each person views life.

Reading one of the short stories we read about women hiding their sexual orientation from the world, because of how their country and culture would punish them is unbearable to me. There was a TED Talk that we watched about women domestic abuse and the forced urge to have boys instead of girls. A comment from that TED Talk really stood out to me because in China this does happen a lot. “Poor things, You only have three daughters. But you’re too young, you could still try again.'' (Ramadas 1) This comment changed my perspective about society in foreign countries in how women are basically just “baby makers'' with absolutely no empathy about there's lives. What sick society would tell women that having daughters could be the worst event you could commit than having a boy as your first child. So many events and social arches change how our world truly feels with each other. A post that can put this into more of a realistic image is a post of mine, which the woman is selling on the side of the streets with her four daughters, since she did not have a boy yet. The reason for my post on this was that I want our world to see that this is not normal. To force families to only allow certain genders into their world, if you did not abide by those rules. That is when the government would come in and take control. This worked the same as women in Muslim areas who were forced to hid their sexual orientation from their towns, in order to not get raped or beaten in the streets. Especially the women in Muslim areas who are already given an awful look from the tragic events that happened on 9/11. The real sadness of that statement is that those women in Muslim areas did not have control, yet know that their own folks would hijack a plane and make one of the most biggest stories in America’s history. These women were getting death threats and being hated from most of our population, from being involved in that event. Now is castrated into being a terrorist in society now, even though some of those women were not or had no little knowledge of the hijacking. 

Wrapping up this semester on Women's Writing Worldwide opened my eyes as well as my perspective on how women in society are treated and how they should act in our day. I envy women who are strong enough to look past all the hate from society and pursue themselves in either a career path or even a start in a movement that would change women's lives all over the world. A TED Talk from Ramades stated that most women in Muslim areas are not open to the idea of LGBT community and think of their daughters as “sick” to cover the fact that these women were not just “sick” but were “queer” and proudly accepted with it. Music is a crucial part of human communication. This is an example of music being so empowering for these women who fight to be accepted. Music will always be a part of the rebellion, from Footloose to these folk singers it holds people up. The songs also hold history and that can be seen in many cultures. Women in Muslim areas face this hurt from all over, not being able to show another side of their lives. Being forced to only show parts of your life that society only wants to see. This type of mindset is what keeps our world from moving ahead. Our society is so fixated on how we should control each other, but really it should be how we all can get along with each other despite all of the judgmental looks we humans get as a society.

[cybermoonmoon]

"...Species Faerie"

"Me my Dad our Buick, and the Faeries"

City faeries are neat, but you have to be quick to spot them. This is a tough town, and faerie or not you have to be fast to get over. As I mentioned in one of my other story's city faeries are attracted to neon lights. It's not unusual in summer to see faeries around brightly lit pizza, and ice cream stands. 

They also like the ruby red of tail lights. In fact that's how I saw my first faerie. This happened thousands of years ago.  America was fat happy, and on the make. Heck my dad was a baker, and he got us a house, car, and TV. That on a bakers salary! We'll 'never' see times like that again.

Aw well, one night in this long ago gleeful time I was sitting next to my dad on the front seat of our Buick. A 1958 sky blue, and white two tone. Detroit knew what it was doing in them days. Anyway as is the habit of kids on long car rides I was squinting my eyes to make the passing street lights look weird. I had just begun to do the same with the tail lights ahead of us when I see something odd.

"Wow that's a big bug!" I thought.

Only when I stopped squinting it wasn't. A bug that is. It wasn't tinker bell either. It was a bleeping Faerie! Thing is faerie's is just like folks. Just a lot smaller,...with wings,...and feelers, weird colors, sometimes extra arms magical powers, halos, and eh...Well okay faerie's ain't like folks at all, but so what.

So there I am sitting next to the old man as we're rolling through Queens, and there's these little faerie folks darting around the tail lights of the Oldsmobile in front of us. Hey, com'on ya can't make this stuff up. Now ya see by this time I'm an 'experienced' kid, and know 'better' than to tell my dad that I'm seeing tiny bug people on the ass-end of the car he's tail-gating. 

Hey gimme some credit. I still remember the penance I had to do for one of my previous visions. I foolishly told my folks that I saw flaming bat winged demons flying out of an open manhole on Flatbush Avenue. My mom made me kneel on a steel rod while I said the rosary ten times over for being in league with Satan.

Heck I never even met the guy.

Sooo, I keeps my young trap shut, and enjoys the doing's of the wee folk in front of us. If dad saw anything he wasn't about to tell me. He knew better too. Still they was fun to watch, and they meant no harm.

"Uncle Sidney what the hell are you getting at with all this?"

Ah, I'm glad you asked! See what with the Hot weather we has to prepare for Faerie Time! ...Hear me out. As traditions handed down from kid, to kid. Like "Ring Around the Rosy" passed from child to child for nearly a thousand years. The knowledge of "Faerie Time" has come to the 21st century.

Come midnight on the Longest Day  the Faerie awake. That Queer bunch opens their eyes, and begins their frolics! Which is to say it's their mating, and general screwing around season. One thing tho' don't be bamboozling these folks. They may be cute, but they has sharp teeth, and heartless lawyers. Otherwise we're all welcome to dance the summer with them. 

How long has Faerie Time been going on? Rule of thumbs sez somewhere between Eve, and Babylon.

"The iron tongue of midnight hath tolled twelve; lovers to bed; 'tis almost fairy time." Sez Francis Bacon/Shakespeare, or somebody. Legends, even histories are full of traces about faeries. Bottom line Faerie Time is real.

My older cousins told me, and I told my special friends, and they told their friends, and so, and so, and so through the years, and ages to come. An unbroken tradition from kid to kid. 

When I was little I danced in a faerie circle with the wee folk by the light of a full moon in Prospect Park. Then again on a warm steamy night in Central Park when I was a happily crazed, and horny teenager. Now in my demented pissed off later years I still hear their songs. Bless the little bastards.

*A FB comment by my dear passed on pal Simon Loekle. 2015.

“Among my favorite stories about W B Yeats, who should be placed on everyone's reading list immediately, concerns his visit, 1903 I think it was, to Washington DC where he was invited to lunch at the White House. (Yeats' friend, the New York Lawyer, John Quinn, had advised the poet that should President Roosevelt ask Yeats to go horseback riding, say No.) Yeats rather than ride astonished the table by speaking at length about the "wee folk."

[oldshrewsburyian]

@stripedroseandsketchpads replied to this post:

...is it extremely weird to be of the opinion that if you have to “put up with teaching” possibly academia is not the best career path (completely aside from structure — of which I’m very much aware, as well as the inequitable ways a lot of institutions are run as well as the added distortions of capitalistic tuition scrambles and debt). As an academic’s kid I’ve periodically heard people who tenured at a non-research institution say they never wanted to teach at ALL

Is it just me or is that maybe not a fantastic attitude? I understand the pressures of how people are expected to treat students but I’m not so sure about the phenomenon (like this person’s friends (?)) of people who are professional academics not wanting to teach, period.

Possibly one other thing is I’m fairly aware of the extent to which at the (US) institutions (multiple) I’ve been in/around a lot of pressure for how to treat students came from administrators/deans/various other offices setting expectations as much as from students themselves so blaming the Young Person’s Folly doesn’t seem like it totally covers that either? Though possibly I’m misunderstanding the person’s point here.

(Also though I think I’m probably biased since I’m an American English Major, I do actually find Judith Butler interesting so thanks for that! Theory is weird but not inherently useless).

So... this is so tangential to the post/reply that I’m not tagging the user to whom I was responding; this seems like a different discussion. I don’t think either her comments or mine were, in the least, furthering a Young Person’s Folly attitude. And my problem with the student-as-consumer model has everything to do with expectations of community. So, insofar as it is an expectation of “treating students” in a certain way, that’s only a small piece of that. But back to that in a minute.

Especially given the adjunctification of the academy, and the institutional reliance on/exploitation of academic labor by universities, I have very little sympathy -- and sometimes, depending on my mood, active rage -- with those whom you describe, at non-R1 (non-R2??) institutions in the US complaining about not wanting to teach. In the UK -- especially at Oxbridge -- I have far more sympathy with frustration, because the fairly recent, godawful research assessment standards have no place for teaching. As someone whose academic work has been only in the US (and Germany, but not on a teaching contract there), my knowledge of this is secondhand. But the friends and colleagues I have at UK institutions are not frustrated with preparing lectures, giving tutorials, marking essays, etc., because they don’t want to do it. For many academics, that can be one of the most rewarding and energizing parts of the job (well, not marking essays, maybe.) But the standards on which their performance is judged expect enormous investment of time, and do not take into account the huge amount of intellectual labor it takes to teach well.

Now. The student-as-consumer model. The student-as-consumer model means that my career has been negatively affected in tangible ways by the fact that I, a relatively young, visibly queer woman, do not embody academic expertise in ways that my students expect. This problem is compounded by the fact that I teach lots of entry-level courses (viz. to students who don’t want to be there, a problem compounded by the consumer model, to which I’ll return) and that, because I teach medieval history, I end up with a lot of jocks, resentful that I don’t teach the fantasy version of history they expect, or a history reflecting their own priorities. Now. I want to interact with students as responsible adults. Most of all, I want to interact with them as responsible adults who share/negotiate with me communal values which guide us in our shared learning and communicating about knowledge. I actively resent the fact that the student-as-consumer model means that I am judged as a professional on my perceived effectiveness (or, indeed, entertainment value) by people who are not experts in pedagogical effectiveness! Student evals started, of course, with the noblest of goals: to give students more agency and more voice as participants in communities of learning. But they have been proven to be fundamentally flawed.

I also think that the student-as-consumer model tragically disappoints and deprives students. Students deserve to be treated as learners rather than consumers. They deserve a model infinitely richer and better, more creative and more defiant. They deserve something more iconoclastic. They deserve something that is part of a nobler tradition. So do I. 

[momentsinsong]

Moments In Song No. 027 - Hunter Hooligan

Music speaks to all of us, regardless of where we come from or what we’ve been through. Whether it be from 50 years ago, or today, music has the ability to liberate us from the mundanity of the world. Hunter has spent half their life learning about the special role music plays in our lives and used that understanding to propel their artistry forward. We talk to them about their deep dive into the history of music, the unconditional support of their Grandmother, and the importance of Pop.

Listen to Hunter’s playlist on Apple Music and Spotify. 

Words and photos by Julian.

________________________________________________________________

Julian: When I was listening to your playlist, I noticed that there were two very distinct halves to it. That first half is much more upbeat, dancy, techno almost, there’s some disco in there. Very much a four on the floor type of feel. And then that second half is very much more slowed down, and has that singer-songwriter/acoustic type of feel to it. Is that what you were going for when making your playlist?

Hunter: I love making playlists. I am that person who would make friends mix CDs and stuff like that. Every one would be so carefully curated. That’s why I was having such a hard time [Laughs]. Thinking about narrowing down my music taste into 10 songs, I was like, “Wow! This is big.” You know what I mean? I think there was a conscious effort to order songs a certain way. Even when I’m making my projects I am very conscious about the song placement, the tracklisting, I’m very very thoughtful and purposefully about it. I sent you one version of the playlist but I made like six versions that were totally different. It’s just because music is my life. I was trying to think of songs that were really important to me, songs that I loved my whole life, songs that are pretty new to me. I was just trying to find a balance of the songs that I like and also trying to make it make some semblance of sense. 

When you were making the different versions of your playlist, how do you know once you’ve made the final one? What was the deciding factor?

Even up until the night I sent it to you, there were like 15 songs on the playlist. I was like, “I can not believe I have to cut 5 of these songs!” I think every one of those songs is a doorway into my taste. Every single one of those songs is a good signifier of so many other songs that are similar to it that I like. 

So you’re saying like, this one acoustic Amy Whinehouse song is the entryway to a bunch of other singer-songwriter stuff you like. Or this Charli XCX is an entry way to more feel good poppy stuff you like. 

Yes, exactly. And so I think I kind of looked at it like a hallway with 10 doors and each door was to a room of infinite other amounts of music I love. I wanted to pick songs that were important to me, and songs that were special to me. Even the Charli XCX song which isn’t that old, and the FKA twigs song which also came out last year, they’re representative of so much more music I like, and what I like about music right now. 

Which is what?

What I really like about “Gone” is that it is so carefully crafted as a Pop song, as far as the production goes. And lyrically it has the structure of a Pop song, there’s verses, there’s a chorus. I love that it is a collaboration. I think collaboration is everything. What I love about that song in particular is that it’s so expected, production wise, as a Pop song but the lyrics are so bizarre. The chorus-- there’s something very impenetrable about the lyrics of the chorus. There’s something really so dissociative about the lyrics, but it’s still so catchy and so emotional. You feel it. Even though I have no idea what the song is talking about. I think there’s clues as to what they’re singing about, but I think it’s something you feel more. They almost sound to me like an A.I. wrote them. Like if you fed an A.I. a bunch of Pop songs and then it spit out a chorus to its own Pop song, that’s what it would sound like.

I always feel like Charli XCX has always straddled the line between, “I can sing the catchiest, poppiest hook you’ve ever heard” but on the flipside “I can take you down to some artsy, weirdo, off the wall type stuff.

And that’s what I love. I really love artists that straddle that line, for today. I love people who are versatile, who are brave, who are shapeshifters. People who are not afraid to be incredibly straight-forward and simple, but also thoughtful and crafted. I think it’s really cool.

I definitely agree with you on that. We’re definitely seeing a resurgence of female pop artists who fall into that lane. If you think about Lorde, or Billie Ellish, or Tinashe, they straddle that line. That’s what you like about the new songs, what about the old songs on your playlist? What are some of the songs on there that you’ve loved forever?

“I Feel Love” by Donna Summer, to me, is one of the best songs ever written. It’s one of the best dance records ever made. It’s brilliant. The production is incredible. The vocal is incredible. It all just hits you so right. To think that this song was produced in the 70’s is mind blowing. I listened to that song and I’m like, “This sounds futuristic now.” 

For me that song is a doorway into the music that surrounded me as a child. My parents had a really versatile taste in music and played a lot of stuff. My mom and I would do weekend Spring cleanings and she would load up the 6 CD stereo system and we would crank everything from Aretha Franklin, to Elton John, Aerosmith, Tupac, she loved everything. I think I inherited this excitement for music from her. 

She also loved 90’s dance music that was on the radio when I was little. She would go to club nights at The Depot and get mixes from DJs and play them in the car. Also when I was really young, my family is all in N.A., and at the time they would put on these dances as a way for people in recovery to go to a safe space that wasn’t a bar or rave where they might find alcohol or drugs and relapse, and enjoy the music. My family would take me, and I was like 7 or 8, and the music there was just… that the first time I heard “I Feel Love.” So much 90’s dance music that I love now was played at those dances.

How does you starting out at 7 and 8 going to these dance parties evolve into the taste of music you have now?

I started working in studios when I was 13, and that’s when I really decided that I was going to make music. 

When you say working, you mean in the actual studio?

Yeah early on I would bring in my songs, you know little things I would record. I would write with other people, I would ask to come and sit in on a session.

So this was a job you got or did you know someone in the studio?  

So I started taking voice lessons and through my voice teacher got connected to different producers and engineers. And in my mom’s previous life, she was married to the original owner of Hammerjacks, which is a legendary Baltimore nightclub, so she knew people from then who were musicians and who had their own studios and spaces like that. I kind of just really made it a point to be in those places. Around that time I also felt like I wanted to have an education in what American music had always been, and so I started really early on listening to the first records ever made, which were anthropological in nature. From there I became really in love with Blues. 

I wasn’t able to fit her on the playlist but she was there up until the very end, Bessie Smith. I mean this is someone who we’re talking about who was making music almost 100 years ago. I listened to her records and would sing them all the time. I feel like I learned so much about singing from her. She was so ahead of her time. From her ideas about her stage shows, to being a black queer woman, singing Blues in the segregated south, she was brilliant. She’s a forever artist to me. 

I had this idea of giving myself an education of what Pop music in America had been over time. Because Pop music is just whatever is popular. Through that I listened to Bessie Smith, Ma Rainey, Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday, and then from there Eartha Kitt and Aretha Franklin, Etta James, Janis Joplin, Tina Turner, and I just kept following the times. Through that I heard so much music I had never heard before. I felt like music had this endless possibility of being anything.  

And this was all on your own? You just decided to do this one day?

[Laughs] Yeah this is just what I did. I didn’t have a lot of friends. You know it’s the whole “queer youth” storyline. Outcast, freak, bullied, blah blah blah. I would spend a lot of time by myself and music was my friend. I wanted to know everything about it.

So you’re building your background knowledge with this research, gaining access to this studio, then decide to make your own music. What was that process like?

When I was really little, I would take songs off the radio and write new lyrics to them. So it would be the same melodies and all of that, but I would just write my own song. When my parents divorced, there was a lot of change and chaos in my family and just in my life, and that’s when I started writing my own original songs. That was when I was 13. Then I would take the original songs that I wrote to my voice teacher and she would help me put chords to them and create these songs. A lot of times it would be me singing this melody to her, and she would fiddle around with the piano a little bit and then we would come up with a chord progression we liked and record them on a cassette tape. Once I had a couple of songs there that I really, really liked, she suggested that I record them in a studio. She worked things out with my family and for my birthday they bought me studio time.

That’s like the best gift ever!

I know! It was this amazing, brilliant thing. It was my grandmother. My grandmother always supported my music and me singing. I had a job really young, around 13, working at a snack bar. But it wasn’t enough for studio time. And honestly she paid for most of the studio time when I was young. She was a domestic worker. She would scrub people’s toilets and then turn around and give me $150 for a day in the studio. And that was never a question. 

What do you mean it was never a question?

She was never, ever like, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if this is worth it.” Never. The sacrifice she made for that was never lost on me. I knew, even then, what that meant. To have someone who is working so hard, literally barely making enough to survive, support you. I don’t think I realized, that young, how poor my family was. I did know we weren’t wealthy by any means, so the fact that she would do that is amazing. I’m never not going to make this worth it, for her. If I were doing it for me, I would’ve walked away a long time ago. This industry is terrible. It’s full of people who will steal, people who will cut you out and leave you in the dust.  I’ve lost a lot of skin in this game. The reason I do this is for my grandmother, my family, my ancestors. 

My family is Native and has really been through it, for a long time. We have nothing to show for it. Every person in my family has experienced intense trauma, and I have as well. If this was all about “Look at me! I’m so talented,” if this is what it was about for me-- hell no. I would be a happy real estate agent at this point. It’s about making all of this sacrifice and trauma my family has been through mean something, and putting it into art. Maybe one day I’ll be on a Grammy stage, and maybe one day I’ll be dead in a ditch. I don’t know. But I do know that my life is for my community. People like me. People who can relate. At the end of the day that’s what’s important to me. 

Do you take the history of your family and the sacrifices they’ve made, the vulnerabilities and emotions shared from the music you enjoy, and good old fashioned pop sensibility and incorporate all of those into the music you’re making now?

Definitely. For me, Pop music is about a feeling. There’s no pretext. You don’t have to know the story, you don’t have to know the language, you don’t have to know anything about it before you hear it. But when you hear that Pop song, you feel it. And that is universal. That’s why we see this huge rise in K-Pop. There’s not a parallel rise in people being able to speak Korean. People don’t always know what K-Pop stars are singing about but they feel it. Pop music is a feeling, a communication that transcends language barriers, time barriers, space barriers. That’s why Pop is what I’m aiming for. I want to connect. I want people to feel like there’s space for them in the music. 

The music that I’m making now is coming from a place that is newer for me to create from. It’s authentic to what I’m feeling now and where I feel like so many people are at in the world. There’s a lot of pain. There’s a lot of exhaustion, anxiety, depression. I want to make music that makes people feel like they’re powerful. Like my new song “Metal Me.”  To me that song is about personal power. Those sounds, that production, it feels powerful. I want people to feel like they can conquer their demons and fight everything against them. If I can make somebody feel powerful with a song, that’s it. 

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[lavendermenaceexhibition]

Lavender Menace, a term first rooted in the American lesbian women’s movement for inclusion within feminism, now allows two pairs of Indigenous artists to gather, connect, and nourish each other’s growth to thrive as natural beings in ever-changing, estranged, rigid, urban environments. 

Lavender Menace brings together Metis artist, Chanelle Lajoie, in mentoring ten-year-old Ella Greyeyes in photography, capturing medicine and bodies amongst varying landscapes. Lavender Menace also brings together Anishinaabe artist, Kiana Compton, in mentoring Sadie Hudson-Constant, 12 years old, in painting, referencing the natural and native elements of the nearby location. The two artists painted floral patterns and Thunderbirds directly within the developed and concrete landscape of the skatepark.

This public exhibition allows Lavender Menace to blossom with the inclusion of Indigi-queer bodies occupying space on land, space in feminism, and space in queerness. Lavender existing as medicine reflects the medicine that two-spirit, femme, non-binary, and Indigi-queer individuals embody within our homelands. 

Witness our existence. 

Celebrate our growth. 

Heal alongside us.

The group public art exhibition, Lavender Menace, included a mentorship aspect, where two pairs of artists would meet at the skatepark, the location of the exhibition, and relating that location with being a gathering place for Indigenous and non-Indigenous people alike for millennia. The meetings included intergenerational knowledge sharing between artists and this included not only skill sharing in the mediums of photography and painting but included nature walks which connected the artists with each other, as well as to the land as Indigenous beings.

My name is Chanelle Lajoie, my pronouns are she/her, I come from here on treaty one territory, commonly known as Winnipeg Manitoba. My role in the project with Lavender Menace was a mentor to Ella in photography. I’ve been making art for as long as I can remember but what stands out most was when I participated in the youth outreach program at Martha Street Studio, and with my line of work, I would encourage participants to engage with Graffiti Art Programming. The medium I am most comfortable to work in is photography., but I’m now exploring filmmaking and I am really excited about that.

My name is Ella Greyeyes, and I go by she/her, I am from Winnipeg and my family is from Pegius. My role is a photographer, being a mentee. I started photography 2 months ago. My favourite art is mostly photography because I like picturing something and taking a photo of it and when other people see it I hope they feel happy inside.

My name is Kiana Compton, I go by she/her. I am Ojibwe, Cree, and Blackfoot. My spirit name is Woman in the Heavens Standing, I work at Art City, I was born and raised in Winnipeg. I was one of the mentors, I mentored Sadie and we did the painting. My uncle, Carl used to babysit me and he lived with me at one point and he would make me do art because he was a painter. And then I was a powwow dancer growing up and we were too poor to buy regalia so my mom got us to make our own. I like painting the best, I used to be a beader but I just feel like painting is more me, it’s chill I like just listening to music and painting whatever I want.

My name is Sadie Hudson-Constant, I go by she/her, my spirit name is Loud Thunderbird Woman. Born and raised in Winnipeg but my family comes from Peguis. I like to sketch a lot. I do a little bit, whenever I can. I like to sew and bead for regalias for my powwow dancing.

Annie: Lavender Menace means so many different things to different people. To each of us individually, we all come together from different upbringings, whether we are beginners, emerging, or semi-established, we have all come together to create something that gives back to our communities. It has resonated with us all differently, so for our artists, what does Lavender Menace mean to you?

Ella: Felt like I was part of the team, I felt like really happy doing this project because I just love taking photos and everybody that worked on this project was just so nice.

Kiana: I guess taking up space that's rightfully meant for us reclaiming space.

Sadie: I don't know it was really cool to be a part of this. This is the first time I got to show my art off.

Annie: The group public art exhibition Lavender Menace included a mentorship aspect where two pairs of Indigenous artists would meet at the skatepark, the location of the exhibition, relating that location with being a gathering place for Indigenous and non-Indigenous people alike for millennia. The meaning of secluded intergenerational knowledge-sharing between artists in this not only included skill sharing in the mediums of Photography and Painting but also included nature walks, connecting the artists to each other as well as the land as Indigenous beings.

Knowing the history of this location The Forks of the Red and Assiniboine Rivers, what did it mean for our artists to be gathering, connecting, and making art, here at this location?

Chanelle:  I hope that Indigi-queer folks feel regognized on lands that are inherently theirs, and I also hope that folks that do not identity as Idnigenous or Queer recognize its meant to offer space to indviduals who have been underrepresented for most of their lives here. I hope that when people are engaging with the artwork, settling into having conversations that might be challenging and understanding that those challenging conversations may mean we have to give space to these people who are on display. 

Ella: I hope they feel happy inside and happy wherever they go.

Kiana: I hope they know the roots of it and that its Indigenous, Indigo-queer, and that it makes this space more inclusive to all.

Sadie: I hope they know what the Thunderbirds do, I know there are people who don’t know but it’d be really cool if they could kind of get an idea.

Annie: Yeah, and what is the idea that your Thunderbird says?

Sadie: Everytime it rains, especially around this time, it’s the time when Thunderbirds are giving Mother Earth water to heal her, so it’s not a bad thing to get those storms.

Annie: The mentorship aspect of this exhibition project played such a huge role, for all of us, learning from each other in new experiences, in new ways, and under new circumstances with social distancing. What did our artists learn from this project that they hope to apply in the future?

Chanelle: I think the number one thing that stood out to me was that the ways in which intergenerational knowledge sharing can also be a creative endeavor. I learned a lot from Ella in our mentorship as a mentor, I think I was also in the position of a mentee, and I think it’s important that we recognize and celebrate all of the important teachings that youth carry with them because they are our future and I look forward to what Ella has ahead of her.

Ella: It was mostly learning photography and both, learning to be on a team with you guys, and doing this photography thing.

Kiana: Being a mentor, usually I’m not going out there and doing my thing with the intention of being a mentor, but it is what it is. As a young person, you are going to be a mentor to other young people because they are always looking up to you and doing what you do so I guess realizing that role and continuing it.

Sadie: I learned not to be scared to go to things like this, it took away some of the anxiety I have to meet new people, so it helped me a lot.

Annie: The show focused on creating an environment to allow Indigi-queer, Two-Spirit, non-binary, femme, queer individuals to thrive, to gather as community, and to take up space, in a space that has always been ours. Lajoie said the show at The Forks is meant to start a conversation about representation of Indigenous LGBT and Two-Spirit people in a space so deeply rooted in Indigenous histories.

In line with the fall solstice, the opening event of Lavender Menace took place September 20, 2020 from 5-7 at The Forks Skatepark. It was an outdoor distanced event with Queer Skate Wpg and Board Broads invited to skate. We had the Gago Brothers B-Boy Dance crew. Kilusan, Maribeth, and Tessa Chartrand as DJs, our DJ set included a live Instagram feed on Graffiti Art Programming’s Instagram account, and encouraged those who were staying home to be a part of the celebrations to encourage healthy communities. It was an open skate, participants and guest got to bring their boards, bike, blades, as well as mask, and be together to recognize and celebrate each other through art.