#it's so beautifully painful and angsty | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ashessonfire · 10 months

Note

Bonjour, lovely!! I adore your fics, your choice of words are just *✧delectable✧⁠* and I'm amazed at how you beautifully written Kaz. If you may, could you write a little fluff with the reader being a skilled painter/sculptor and she helps the crows in art forgery. (I personally love when there's a little angsty yearning in the mix but I trust you will blow it out of the waters). Mercii!!

Stolen hearts - Kaz Brekker x Reader

Prompt : As a crow who specializes in art, what happens when Kaz stumbles upon one of your personal sketchbooks and gets a little jealous? - Pairing : Kaz Brekker x Reader - Warnings : Jealous Kaz, Kaz being an idiot, he gets a bit upset but nothing too crazy :)

A/N : Hi my loves, this is a pretty long one but I ADORED this idea, and so I let myself run with it.This may just be one of my favourite things I have ever written so I really hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing this!! As always requests are open, and please check my list here for other characters I write for!!

click here for masterlist

click here for characters I write for

(Also it seems as if we are getting closer to finding out if we are getting a SOC spin off!! After the writers strikes we should hopefully know, so lets try keep the Grishaverse fandom alive on here!! <3 )

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"You want me to recreate that in two days? Kaz, the original is painted in oils, they don't even dry in that time!" You exclaimed, peering over the top of a stolen painting at your boss, his gaze hard yet not harsh.

"I am aware," Kaz began, "But that's why I hired you, isn't it? You have not missed a deadline once, and I know you won't miss it now," his firm voice rung out into the acoustics of his office.

And of course, he was right.

Although you would have to take a few shortcuts, you could feel your fingertips twitching against the oak frame of the piece, mind already composing each element of the scene. Tucking it beneath your arm, you let out a gentle sigh, nodding swiftly in his direction before departing from the room.

He had saved you, and this painting was only a fragment in your repayment of Kaz Brekker.

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A fire had swept through your village just beyond the confines of the Barrel, leaving you with nothing but your pouch, filled to the brim with pencils, inks, and as many types of paper as you had been able to salvage. The corners of your paintings began to singe as your home was engulfed, pain piercing your heart as you sprinted down the path to evade the impenetrable walls of flame.

Ketterdam beckoned you into her grip, as you ventured through the dim alleyways until shadow gave way to dazzling light displays. The Lid revealed itself to you, and with no other choice you slotted yourself in with the penniless street merchants that lined the alleys of Ketterdam.

For years, you offered sketches, portraits, and paintings to the rich tourists that marveled at Ketterdam's wonders. Although mere pennies were offered in exchange for your work, it was enough to renew your supplies and evade sleeping by the canal, or being trampled by tourists.

As time crawled along your skills blossomed, transforming your rough ideas into magnificent pieces, worthy of far more than a few kruge. Soon, you began to slip into galleries, memorizing each stroke until your mind could guide your hands without a single thought. Portraits that were worth thousands were then being passed into clueless pigeon's hands for only a few hundred kruge, as your skills were unmatched in the art of forgery.

Little did you know that you were being kept under the watchful eye of Kaz Brekker's wraith, your talents being thoroughly observed and reported back to the leader of the crows.

You were able to swindle the pigeons for a few months until the Watchstadt began to take note of the remarkable artistry of your paintings. Overnight, the tides of your fortune changed, awaking one evening to the thudding of leather against stone, inching closer to you as each moment passed.

In a desperate attempt to escape your fate, you clutched your belongings and shot down a back alley, shadows offering you a blanket of protection from the moon's shimmering light. However it seemed as if your luck had reached its limit, as several guards barreled out in front of you, as your other exits were swiftly stolen from you.

Tears began to blur your vision, lightheadedness overtaking your senses, the guard's words became muffled and distant, as panic overtook your being. You were barely aware of a gentle voice calling you from your terror, a soft hand wiping away the beads of pain falling from your eyes.

In the hours that followed, you scarcely registered anything but your gratitude towards Inej, and ultimately to Kaz who had been increasing the hours that his wraith was sent to protect you. In a few swift meetings, Kaz Brekker had settled a deal with you, sheltering you from the darkness of the Barrel, whilst securing a valuable new member of the crows.

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"Thank the saints that that is over," Jesper all but shouted, falling backwards onto the sofa in the common room of the slat. Placing yourself on a worn armchair opposite, you felt somewhat peaceful as your painting had been so seamless that the entire mission was cut short by a few hours.

After jobs, each crow fell into their own routines to unwind the tension that undeniably interwove into each of them. Kaz's cane thumped lightly against the creaking oak of the staircase, ascending to his room to continue plotting. Hushed whispers often omitted from Wylan and Jesper as they basked in each other's company.

Inej was usually missing, as she was now, exploring the endless expanses of rooftops whilst allowing the bitter air to cool her down. Taking in the couple across from you, and a now slumbering Nina beside you, you reached for the familiar leather binding of your sketchbook.

The glowing embers of the low-lit fire cast soft shadows on your friends, and the light washes of orange and red watercolour aided in your attempt to capture the peaceful scene unfolding before you. However, the absence of a certain presence pulled you from your portrait, thoughts straying to the man who undoubtedly was scheming once more in his office.

Since joining his crew, a small fondness for the "demjin" had harbored itself deep within your heart, impenetrable and unmoving. He treated you with a cold kindness, gifting you small tins of expensive paints, or the latest papers, completely dismissing the fact they were irrelevant to your job.

With a short shake of your head, the thoughts dispelled, returning your mind to the clarity it needed to produce your sketch, the flames from the fireplace dimming as the room began to fall into shadow. The peace that art instilled you with returned, as your heartbeat slowed and a sense of calm washed over you with each brushstroke.

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Settling into his chair, Kaz let out a short breath, tension easing slightly from his body as relief gripped him, all thanks to you. Your painting had exceeded his expectations, not a single person suspecting the image to have been forged, and the original stolen into the possession of the Dregs.

Few things could entrance Kaz Brekker, yet something about the way your colours melted into each other, or the clear emotion engrained into every miniscule detail of a painting pulled him in. Perhaps the depth of your sculptures, or the smooth yet carefully crafted edges of the clay coming to life in his imagination were to blame for his admiration for you.

Kaz's mind wandered as he thoughtlessly ridded his desk of it's papers, hastily stacking them into neat piles as he tried to shake his thoughts of you.

Suddenly, Kaz was startled from his inner battle, gloved fingers brushing against a foreign texture, a hard leather cover of, something? Curiosity urged him to retrieve the book from underneath the blueprints and paperwork, eyes scanning over the front in search of a clue as to what the binding held.

Carefully undoing a well tied string, the front page fell flat against his weathered desk, the candle beside him offering a gentle illumination. Kaz's breath caught in his throat as he recognized the contents of the book, the etches of the pencil being too precise to belong to any person, but you.

The charcoal marks formed on the fraying page to portray Jesper, content as he sat on a patterned bar stool in the Crow Club, eyes slightly creased in content. Thumbing to the next page, Kaz discovered another depiction of his sharpshooter, however this time he was polishing his guns. Unlike the previous image, Jesper was now depicted in a light wash of colour, bringing him seemingly to life.

Enchanted by your work, Kaz continued to marvel at each sketch and painting, however a sharp feeling grabbed at his chest as he came to a realization. Apart from a few pages here and there, the subject that lined the parchment was always Jesper. Turning the pages increasingly quicker, a feeling of dread seeped into his stomach, a twisting combination of jealousy and annoyance building within him.

A gentle knock broke him from these thoughts, as your voice called out in the hope you would be permitted entry. Carefully, Kaz slid your sketchbook to the opposite end of his desk, pretending to analyze a discarded stack of papers before allowing you in.

"Hey Kaz, I was just coming to check in on you, I didn't get to catch up with you after..." you began, speech diminishing as your eyes fell upon the bronzed edges of one of your sketchbooks. Your eyes lit up as you began to grin.

"You left it on my desk," Kaz stated, trying desperately to burry the knot in his stomach, as your expression brightened at the thought of finding the book full of Jesper. "I've been looking everywhere for this one, thank you Kaz," you respond, hastily reclaiming the book, folding it snuggly between your arms and your chest.

"It shouldn't be here," Kaz snapped, a sharp tone piercing the previously warm atmosphere, "It's your personal sketchbook, so it needs to stay personal. Understand?" Kaz bit out, stunning you into silence as you backed away towards the door.

"Oh," you began, "I didn't mean to leave it here," voice cracking as you battled through the shock of his manner, and the hurt of him snapping at you. "Make sure I don't see it again, although I'm sure Jesper would love to," Kaz concluded, practically spitting out your friend's name.

The dismay you felt began to ebb away as you took in your boss' expression more closely, your upset being replaced with something resembling humour. "Kaz," your voice quietly began, "You're not jealous, are you?" you question.

Although the room remained silent, his features spoke a thousand words to you, his eyes widening fractionally to reveal fright, face becoming tinged by a rosy blush. Before you could utter another word, Kaz had guided you to the arched doorway, pushed you through the threshold, and slammed the door before you could witness the tips of his ears turning crimson.

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Through the warped glass pane of his window, Kaz was stirred by the early rays of sunrise, face gently caressed by each stream of light that infiltrated the darkness. Despite the restless sleep he gained, the bastard was surprised he had managed to fall unconscious at all.

From the moment he had shut the door on you, feelings of jealousy and shame had consumed him. He swore he had heard a splinter echo throughout his chest as he recalled the hurt spreading across your face the previous evening.

Letting out a short breath of frustration, he slowly contorted his stiff limbs into a sitting position, and only then did his gaze cast onto the unfamiliar shade of leather perching on his nightstand. Unease began to spread through his body, fingertips sparking with anticipation as he reached over to retrieve the sketchbook.

Frustration began to wrestle with the discontent, as he unwound the ribbon binding the wrinkled pages together, yet the colour of the leather seemed to shift underneath his gaze. Unlike the book he had previously discovered, this one was made of a darker material which he could only liken to the darkness of midnight. As he angled the cover, flecks of gold appeared, the early sun dancing light off of each one, illuminating the leather as if it were a sky full of stars

Nimbly undoing the ribbon on the side, the first page fell open, and to his surprise, a neatly penned note fell out of the cover, revealing an image behind it that Kaz was sure he would have permanently engraved in his memory. A pair of sharp eyes met his own, and his breath caught in his throat as he questioned whether he was glimpsing into some sort of mirror.

With a desperation he himself could not even comprehend, Kaz began to flip through the pages, the guilt he had initially felt now burning him from the inside out, singeing at his chest. Each portrait captured his every emotion, each stroke precise and beautiful in a way he had never experienced before.

Gently unfolding the corners of the note, Kaz's gaze deepened with each curling letter of your short message -

Dear Mr Brekker,

After your discovery yesterday, I thought it only fair to also show you your notebook too. I have one for each of the crows, yourself included, and so I kindly ask you not to panic further about Jesper being the only muse of my pieces.

Love, your favourite artist

P.S ~ You also have a second book, if you are interested.

Kaz's breath hitched at the word 'love' before his mind could even comprehend it, head spiraling with thoughts of you as he pictured your gentle teasing laughter as you penned the note to him. The guilt and shame became so consuming in that second that his chest constricted, and he knew the only way he could alleviate the weight was by visiting you.

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A sharp knock pierced through the silence of your room, pen stopping mid point as you called a gentle welcome to the man behind the door. Kaz's figure slowly filled the doorframe, waistcoat slightly untucked, and hair somewhat out of place as if he had raced to see you.

A teasing grin began to illuminate your features, and the sunrise seeping through your window was more than bright enough to display Kaz's rose dusted cheeks as he averted his gaze. Without so much as a sound passing through his pursed lips, a gloved hand directed itself towards you, clutching onto the dark sketchbook.

You smile faltered, the glimmer seeping from your eyes as your lips fought to stay curved, as you questioned, "You didn't like it?" Kaz shifted his dark gaze to meet your own, brows lightly furrowing as he grumbled "I thought you might want it back."

Your gaze softened as the walls you had been beginning to construct around your heart crumbled, "Oh, I meant it more like a gift Kaz, plus I have several more books dedicated to you anyway," you uttered tenderly. The figure before you lowered his head towards the object in his hands, knuckles whitening beneath his leather gloves as his grip hardened.

After a fleeting moment of your boss' gaze sweeping over your features, he gave a swift nod in gratitude, the scent of ink and secrets trailing behind him as he ventured back to his office. Disappointment clung to your chest at his swift departure, hoping that he would have remained in your presence for a few moments more.

However, as your gaze travelled upwards to glimpse at his departing figure, you noticed how he had faltered in your doorway. His broad shoulders were facing you, allowing you to to observe every deep yet ragged breath that lifted his chest.

"I..." He began, voice so low that it was barely audible, "I'm sorry for last night, I shouldn't have said those things to you," Kaz almost spat out, the words tasting foreign on his lips as he attempted to quickly escape to the confines of his office.

"Kaz," you called out, hope unravelling the knots of anxiety from previously, leaving you with streams of a newfound confidence, "I just thought you should know you are my favourite subject. No one else in Ketterdam seems to have a better facial structure than yours."

Kaz could hear the thick inflections of your smirk within your words, ribbons of humour intertwining with each letter you spoke. Despite your teasing being met with a remarkably loud silence, your words had planted themselves deep inside Kaz's heart.

Racing back towards his office, the beat of his cane against the oak panels of the slat hastened by the second.

Yet not even they could match the pace at which Kaz's heart was beating, as his mind replayed your words over and over in his head until the way the word "favourite" was all he could hear.

Thinking back to your short note, Kaz's lips formed a ghost of a smile, since not only were you his favourite, but he was yours.

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Kaz Brekker tag list : @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @ell0ra-br3kk3r @swhisperer @sleepynightchild @atlasiiae @kaiinohh @sannunah28 @at-the-chateau @withbeautyandragendrage @animalistic00 @whos6claire @any-corrie @daisydark @shara-ne @xxinvisiblexx @ldhpeter @viperinferno @kozbtchx @wishyouwere-sober (please comment if you would like to be added to the Kaz Brekker taglist)

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P.S - The best way to support writers on here is to repost / repost + add tags! If you could spend a minute or so doing this, it would mean the world <3

#kaz brekker x reader #six of crows x reader #six of crows #shadow and bone #six of crows imagine #kaz brekker #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker x reader imagines #kaz brekker x you #shadow and bone season 2 #ashessonfire #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker headcanons

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sashi-ya · 1 year

Text

𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬

⭒ pairing: shanks x f! reader. R 18+ ⭒ requested by @thestrawberryshinigami ⭒ inspired on the song: 𝄞 Dress by Taylor Swift 𝄞 ⭒ tw: MDNI. maybe a little bit angsty. cheating. aphrodisiacs. fingering. vag. oral. sex in elevator| wc: 2k ⭒ masterlist a song + a character event

“We can’t let this happen again, (Name).-” he says, putting back his suit. Troubled.

His red hair, a little wet from sweating, falls so beautifully over his caramel skinned face. The scars on his left eye always look so attractive at night.

“Shanks… but, I-“ you murmur, fixing the strap of your beautiful crimson dress.

Your hair looks messy, and you wonder why you had it done before the party if you were to get in bed with him.

His strong manly hand reaches for yours; he helps you stand up from the bed of that hotel room kilometres away from home. He has left your city a while ago, but you worked together. Him, the CEO of a company he always wanted to create; You, the boss of your city’s subsidiary. Still, both, best friends since school days.

“They will be waiting for us, come on” he whispers. His grip is delicate, and yet still dominant. The façade in which he is a serious entrepreneur feels so fake to you. Shanks is to you, a free, playful boy. Kinda addicted to alcohol, too.

You nod; looking at the floor with eyes on fire looking for tears to cool them down. His index, reaching for your chin, lifts it up. Gazes meeting, it’s hard for him to process what just happened in between you two.

As you stand up, in silence, you take some air. You need to tell him the truth. None of this has been a coincidence, but a consequence of your forever crush with him.

“Shanks, I… I don’t want to be your bes-“ you say, as he walks out the door of that messy room. But his phone chimes loudly, and there is no point in keep on talking now.

You walk outside too, following him from behind. Your heels are a pain to walk in, specially because your legs have been left trembling. He did it to you. When he used his fingers inside you, when he devoured you. And the way his grunts still sound in your head.

The hall of the third floor seems to disappear and the only thing you can see, is the wide back of the man you love wearing that formal attire… if they only knew how dirty we were when we were kids…

Shanks turns around when he finally stop talking on the phone. His fiancée, a woman you know he never loved, asked him about his day.

“Hey, come on” he stretches his arm towards you.

You give him a soft smile; a painful smile. “Yes… Sorry I am not… I’m coming” you murmur, taking a closer look at the commissure of his lips before getting into the elevator.

When you two get inside, and the air feels low. You take your thumb to his lips. Dragging it over them, he widens his beautiful red eyes. “Wh- what is it?” he stutters, grabbing your wrist with strength.

“You had lipstick marks…” you sigh, swinging your hand to make him let go of your arm and turn around.

Some seconds, or perhaps even less, separate your actions from his.

Shanks, so irresistibly, passes his arm around your waist from behind. His body pressed against yours, your back on his chest, your ass on his lap. His nose buried in your neck, inhaling your scent as if it was the last time.

“I didn’t mean for this to be this way” he whispers in pain, resting his body weight on your back.

“I didn’t mean for this to be this way, either…” you lie. And you don’t. Because even if you could feel he made love to you, he is marrying another woman anyway.

The 2 turns to 1 in the elevator display, so he lets go. But you felt as if he didn’t want it to.

A luxurious gathering explodes in your faces. Shanks sake company have become very popular, expanding to almost every country in the world. Things have changed since the very first time.

As you walk by his side, people nod and smile at you two. They are all hungry to become closer to you. Everybody knows you two are best friends; but nobody knows how much you love him. Much less, what has just happened a few floors above the party.

While he is trapped by investors and influential people, you decide to walk to your table. The refined music of a live orchestra only sounds like buzzing sounds in your head. Your skin still feels warm from sex, and you could swear your cheeks show a certain glow too.

Your colleagues salute you, but as soon as they start chatting and blabbering about work, you can’t keep up with their conversation. Instead, your eyes can only fix on the image of your red-haired lover, friend, boss?

Soon the food arrives, and you simply focus on it -even if you can’t eat a single piece of it-. But, the wine does enter into your system as if it was a sacred elixir in which you depend not to lose your head.

But your eyes, they keep looking for his gaze. Because he has left his arms marked into your body, and there is nothing that could erase the feeling. Like a tattoo, his kisses on your neck and the rest of your body have been left.

The maître offers you yet another cup. And whenever he does, you notice Shanks burning stare from the main table, looking at you. It feels like paralyzing, like a strong force making you weak.

Taking the risk, however, of becoming as drunk as a pirate, you take one, two, three cups of that red, strong beverage. Like acrid blood meaning to soothe the need to stand up and kiss his lips endlessly into the night, ignoring the rest of the people.

Your colleagues have noticed. His too. Who cares right now, if the songs have become slower and sexier, and the lights around have tinted everything in crimson hues.

The presentation of a new product is about to start, and as Shanks stands up, he walks to the scenery fixing the red tie he used to tie your wrists earlier.

He speaks on the microphone, like a showman. Charismatic and handsome, even making straight men to doubt about his sexualities.

The new product, a sake infused with several spices, ginseng, and strawberries, presented like the ultimate aphrodisiac for refined clients. The name, a total surprise, is about to be revealed…

“ We have worked a lot with one of my most adored colleagues to develop this amazing new product that you all will be able to enjoy briefly. I wanna thank her, and what better way to do so than naming the product after her…” he says, lifting the cup on the hand that surrounded your neck a few hours ago.

You widen your eyes, receiving the cup in your hand for you to cheer. “Say my name and I won’t be able to hold back…” you think, with lips separated and your eyes fixed on his.

“The name of this sexy bottle will be… [RED (Name)]! Thank you so much for collaboration, my dear… best friend and colleague. Cheers to you. Applause, please!” he chimes, so immorally, playing with the strings of your hearts and the innocence of everyone around.

Your colleagues make you stand up, as they proudly clap to your figure. They all taste the honeys of your work with him, they all claim is the best cup of alcohol his tongue have tasted.

Your legs feel like dropping. Your eyes trying not to burst. The lights messing with your head. A stare that pleads in pain for him to be at least a little merciful with your heart.

The whispering commentaries, that soon reach your ears, make you wanna run away.

“Her dress is as red as the whole bottle” … yes, and I bought it just for him to take it off me. “Do you think she is indeed Shanks best friend?” … you are right, I am not. “She must be fucking him…” “but he has a fiancee!” “So what?”

Yes… so what?

When the focus finally leaves your body, you sit back down. You chug yet another cup, and then another one. Wine, your special sake, champagne too.

You watch Shanks so nonchalantly go back to his seat, surrounded yet for even more investors. He maintains a façade that feels so fake and yet so real at the same time. Many women surround him, they all clearly flirt with him. And it’s almost impossible to see him now, as their bodies cover his image.

And you can’t take it no more. No more, please… You stand up and leave the party. You can’t handle it no more, so many fake smiles, the stare of the people after your name has been revealed to be the name of his new product. Am I a simple name, Shanks? A sexy inspiration?

The elevator arrives, and you enter. Quick enough so nobody else could get in, repeatedly touching the number three so that the door would close faster.

But just like a hurtful metaphor of the love that won’t leave you alone, a hand stops the doors from closing.

“(Name)…” Shanks says, entering into the elevator and letting the doors to finally close behind him.

“Leave me alone. I don’t want to be in the party no more. Please, go back. They will suspect…” you try to sound convincing, even if your heart would only wish for him to stay.

But your words got cut, by the lips of that man crashing against yours. Your back, hitting the mirrored wall behind you, his overpowering body on yours, your hands pinned over your head.

“I am sorry” he barely mumbles, so that he is quickly back at your lips. Lips infused by the special wine that holds your name. And a name, he wants to repeat so many times while he is buried deep inside.

“No- Shanks… the elevator” you try to warn, muzzled by his insatiable mouth.

He shakes his head, quickly turning around to push the STOP button. Everything tremors, the lights flicker around you and the red emergency light now tints you two in gloomy ambience.

The high cut of the skirt of your dress seems a good place for him to slip his hand, until reaching the thin string of your panties. He pulls them down, exposing a throbbing core that instantly pleads for his intrusion.

“God, this dress looks so good on you” he sighs, as he slides his index inside you. His mouth pulls down the cleavage exposing your breasts so that he could devour them.

You moan, with the back of your head hitting the mirror behind. “I only bought this dress for you to take it off, Shanks… take it off”

Shanks grunts, he can’t take it no more. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t give a fuck about the world but to be inside of you.

He lets go of you and take his fingers to your mouth. “Taste yourself, this is why I named the sake after you… cause I knew you would be this delicious”

You sigh, the air in your lungs isn’t enough, nor around the place. You simply let the straps of your dress to fall down the ground, while a soft chime of some kind of alarm mix in between your panting.

Shanks lowers his zipper down, exposing, one more time the sex that’s been so many times in your fantasies. It’s yet again so hard, so tempting…

You lift his white shirt up, so that your eyes can get drunk on the image of his bronzed skin abs. Your palm feeling the warmth of his flesh; he is so hot; he burns in desire… a desire so unstoppable for you.

Once again, after maybe a few pumps to get ready, he pushes you back. Guiding his sex into you, and then lifting your leg up enough to be able to get so deep inside of your walls.

Clenching to his shaft, your insides spasms, milking him so violently. You take each and every single of his thrusts, carving your nails on his shoulders. Your tongues playing lustfully in and out of your mouths, with strings of saliva coating everything around your lips.

Shanks fucks so dominantly, beating down, subduing your will to his insatiable hips and desires. You let him use your body as a personal fleshlight, because you can’t say no to his needs.

It’s a matter of minutes, or maybe less, for your climax to arrive. Pleading for mercy, your eyes become watery as the peak point hits you. But there is no mercy in his stare, the more you ask him to stop, the more he will go rougher.

“Sha-shanks… I’m… coming… please no more…” “No more? We still have all night long… I am addicted to you; remember why I named my sake after you”

After all, both let it happen again…

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crepesuzette2023 · 6 months

Note

I know this is a broad question, but if you had to pick, what is the most angsty Mclennon fic you’ve read so far ? You have some amazing recommendations and I’m looking to hurt my own feelings lol

Hi st-john!

Thank you for the ask! This made me think about some of my angsty forever-faves in general, sorted from subtle to savage. (Under the cut.)

If you want to skip straight (do we use this word around here?!) to the fics I personally find the most angsty: they're at the bottom of this post. I also included some dark/angsty stories here, but I didn't want to repeat any recommendations.

Your ask helped me understand what it is I find the most angst-filled in mclennon, so thank you for that. I was surprised to see so many canon-adjacent stories on my list, and I think it shows that, to me, the most potent angst doesn't come from outside threat but from their minds, as evidenced by events that actually happened. The two of them being scared of (and turned on by) the big fat x they mark on their shared psychosexual map is one of the most attractive aspects of mclennon for me—followed by the two of them taking x for granted, and being permanently damaged once they realize they lost it forever. I also like stories that show their mutual resentment, even as they're into each other (sometimes literally). Anyway, under the cut are some of my favorite angsty fics in three handy categories:

1.) Carry That Weight/Love is Strange: Their relationship is deep and doomed and addictive. These stories are all set during the Beatle-years. I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU (sexysadie): 1968. John and Paul talk about women, but really, they talk about each other. A brief story about longing in the absence of hope. WALKING CLOSE AT HAND (harmonising): John and Paul as pair of broken mirrors, haunted by death in all things. Their love as beautiful magic-turned-curse. LET ME ROLL IT (@downtothe-lastdrop): The 1968 NYC Apple Launch Divorcemoon from Paul's POV. Lively and detailed, and drenched in what it must feel like to drown in unspoken words. I THINK OF THINGS WE DID (J_deandra_j): 1965. John and Paul fuck in Austria during the filming of Help! There is something intangibly upsetting about this story: anger and frustration; lust and sex with little room for softness—but it's so good and real and raw while it lasts. This one is impossible to forget! John POV. HOW YOU WERE DIVERTED (candle_beck): Paul handles John. This is about sex as one of the things that is "just them"—an urgent and rough emergency intervention. 2.) Tributes to the Canonical Breakup. To me, the break-up is an angst-filled nightmare. Not to mention the looming day of John's murder. I love stories that explore the break-up and its aftermath with compassion. And, as painful as it is, I especially love stories that make me feel that the love was there, always (even though it wasn't enough). THROW THE WINE (@savageandwise). This one is such a classic I imagine everyone must have read it, but I can't not mention it. It was one of the first fics I read—arrow through me, and such. The more painful it gets, the more it slows down. That takes courage. YOU'RE A DREAM LOVER (@dailyhowl). John and Paul share dreams and love each other in their dreams—gloriously so—but in the end, the dream is over. The most brutal aspect of this one is seeing Paul in the end, alone. I STILL MISS SOMEONE & CLOSE THE DOOR LIGHTLY WHEN YOU GO (RosalindBeatrice). Paul and John become lovers in the 70's, but their encounters are few and far between—and in the end, darkness falls. But there's also the mercy of honesty, tears, and, yes: sex. Beautifully melancholy story about the vast distance between bright stars. ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK (@backbenttulips). Apologies to the writer in case my "angsty" reading of this one misses the mark! Above all, this is a hot hot hot story about John and Paul hooking up in Bangkok and fucking every which way, remembering the past and seizing the present. But it's also a story about a relationship that no longer exists: their musical partnership. They destroyed the one place where their love had a home. Now, faraway hotel rooms will have to do—and there are no goodbyes or plans for a next time. (I must repeat how hot this is though.)

3.) "A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day."—Except it's exactly this day. Deep pain and sadness: the break-up is final; no one was saved. [Writers mentioned here: this is meant as a compliment. All of these stories are so good. It's not for nothing that I was never able to forget some lines from these stories, even though I read them very early on.]

HEAR ME, MY LOVER by @savageandwise. (Unfinished, but feels finished.) At the time the Beatles break up, Paul attempts to kill himself. He lives, but much else is destroyed. No one is wrong or right—their love and fracturing cut all possible ways. I read this as a literal translation of what the loss of the band (and John) meant for Paul, for a while.

FOUR LAST SONGS by @celebratorypenguin. This AU (four parts) explores what would have happened to the Beatles if John hadn't been the one to die first. Sentences from this one still live in my brain. The story is both sweeping and deep, and covers the POV of all four Beatles. Its truly an alternate history of the band, and it's very sad. But so, so beautiful, too.

Bonus Materials: John and Paul never became John&Paul. Everyone comes at this differently, but to me, the idea of them meeting, and falling in love, and turning away from it, is as angst-filled as the worst of the the break-up. That's why I think these two are among the best, most courageous, but also most angst-filled, of all mclennon fics: ALL THE BOYS ARE SINGING LOVE SONGS. (@dailyhowl): Paul settles down with Dot and they start a family. He and John meet again, and the spark is still there, but after a night together, the fear of starting over is greater. This magnificently written story fucked me up, and I've yet to pick up the courage to read it a second time. To quote the writer: this is a story about "the angst of living in the prison of society-approved masculinity." Yes. "Happy ending seekers need not apply." That is fair. As a happy ending seeker, I comfort my tender shipper's heart with the exhilarating fact that the real John and Paul did, in fact, become lovers become famous with the Beatles and formed a close musical partnership. THERE ARE ALWAYS FLOWERS (tarenas). This is a story I mentioned in my overall favorites post, and it's not, strictly speaking, all angst (to quote the writer: "this is about being sad and middle-aged, but it's also about being so happy and middle-aged!") It's not even J/P: it's mostly Paul/George, and their relationship is beautiful and real. Still, as a reader I was aching for the other life that could have been, and that is woven through the events of this story with incredible artistry: the Beatles, which everyone misses without knowing why. The great love between John and Paul that ended when John chose someone else. This is the magic of RPF: reality is the shadow event included for free. (Unfinished, with have all four n on-Beatles POV's. So far: George and Ringo.)

#fic rec #fic recs #mclennon #mclennon fanfiction #asks #the beatles fanfiction #angst fic recs

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gildedkrone · 9 months

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Ooh. Enemies to lovers but the roles reverse....like what if Reader is working with Shadow Company and Ghost is angsty...before, after or during the mission where Graves betrays them maybe???

I also gotta say the last one you did was so beautifully painful and I love it. 😂

- ☁️

Love doth grow in the shadows

I'm not the proudest over this fic but I hope its what you asked for and yes, I am giving this a happy ending because I'm a good boy.

Relationships: Ghost x Male Reader Synopsis: Shadow soldier you couldn't possibly be with him. Years later, you meet him again. A/N: Written to cardigan by Taylor. Master List

Your heart is his. It was never meant to be his, you know that clearly. Nothing was ever meant to be yours or his. Infiltrating the 141 was easy; you with your charms and quips made you a hit with Gaz and Soap. Your experience made you a hit with Price and eventually, with Ghost.

You think you would be closest with Soap and his antics, ever funny and outgoing but he draws your attention greedily. The masked lieutenant, Ghost is stoic but you find him to be a rock in sea of nerves. Steady as ever and a presence to be reckoned, he is the stability you’ve never had growing up.

And how generous he was with it. He doesn’t say much but his presence is all encompassing. It’s warm, like blanket after use and occasionally, he gives some advice when the road gets tough. The advice is always realistic, as he must be, but with free of judgement and from a heart scarred by the past.

Illicit affairs, is what this is. Instincts are screaming to stop this farce before you are in too deep and no longer able to escape. Graves is up to no good and your hands are no longer the same steady ones at the start of the mission. The image of them in a ditch bleeding out and dying haunts your sleep.

Would you still be able to kill them if Graves commanded it?

Shadow soldier you don’t belong here. But the smiles and the casual interactions are fire to moths and you can’t help if your heart desires to be cherished. To be needed. To be wanted by someone.

“Good job, soldier. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

His words are the blossom of flowers in spring and the sun on the wilted fields of your heart. It’s so cruel, to desire what is within reach but never to stay forever.

Does he know what his words do to you?

Your scars, bleeding from the hearts he drew around them. The late nights when you accompanied him in piles of paperwork is some of your favourites. Getting to be with him, and just him in his office where you pretended this was what mattered in the world.

Just him and you.

He’s sardonic and weathered by the rain and time but in the shell of a man, there’s a good heart beating there. He’s helpful around the recruits. He’s always there to lend his ear even if he has mountains of work to get through. He’s been there every time you needed him.

And a week ago, he took you out to a cat café. Paid for the drinks and to thank you for helping him with the paperwork. The mind is a maze but at the end is the scenes of domesticity, you and him in an apartment lazing on the couch while the TV plays something meaningless.

It makes it all the harder to what needed to be done when all the heart wants is to just be with him. Hold him and be his. You split from the group and stopped beside Graves before the convoy sets off for Alejandro’s base or soon-to-be Graves’ base.

“In twenty, we will relieve them of their duties. Hop into the vehicle with them and keep them in. Don’t mess this up, shadow.”

Soap and Ghost are in the backseat of the vehicle and you take the front passenger seat. The sergeant is in high spirits and Ghost is relaxed into the seat with his shoulders lax and head against the headrest. The men are in high spirits and the convoy starts to move. It’s a death march towards base and Graves is in the lead car with Alejandro.

Fingers grasp the sidearm in your thigh holster. His eyes are in the rear view mirror and it hurts, hurts everywhere to shatter the trust you’ve scrounged together with him. He doesn’t deserve this and he blinks slowly.

What’s wrong?

The Shadows weren’t new to compromised agents and previously, you scoffed at the mention of it. How could good men ever betray their comrades and fail the mission?

Now? You aren’t so sure and the wavers in your heart are shaking the needles of your moral compass. When did the road forward vanish into seas of sand and leave you stranded in the junction of decisions? The warehouse comes into sight and the vehicles stop.

Graves give his whole speech about taking the base and Alejandro is knocked out first. The men are on edge and Graves gestures for you to move to him.

“Come here, Shadow.”

Soap is surprised and Ghost is gripping his rifle. His eyes are hurt, and they ask you, is this real? You knew he would curse your name for eons to come as you step away from him to stand beside Graves. The look of hurt is replaced by an anger ferocious as the sun in his eyes.

It hurts more than anything in the world.

“Nobody needs to get hurt today. Put down the guns and stay there.”

Your body moves on autopilot and raise the rifle just as the other soldiers do.

“This is what a Shadow should be. Discreet, fast and blending into their environments. And now, we have ourselves a victory.” Graves pats your shoulder. “The honours is all yours.”

---

The celebrations are huge but it’s hollow. Meaningless beyond comparison with your birthday spent with them and the party Soap threw. Drinks are served and shadows congratulate you on the victory.

The cells are quiet and you stop before his cell.

A click using the key easily swiped from Graves’ office and the door unlocks gently. He is fast and your neck is caught in a grip of immense strength. The anger simmering in his eyes are covering the hurt deep down and he knows.

He knows you will let him do whatever he wanted.

“You don’t have a lot of time. There’s a vehicle parked outside idling.”

The door to Soap’s cell unlocks easily and the guard is off on his piss break. An embrace is all you want from him and he looks to Soap. Ignoring you like the stain on his boots.

“I trusted you.”

“I know.”

“I shouldn’t have.”

“You never should have.”

They are running down the halls and out of the base through a back door before anyone can notice anything. The vehicle takes off and you put on an act when the base alarm sounds upon the guard’s notice of the missing prisoners.

---

Retirement is a bitch. Graves never did find out how they escaped and the last thing you heard was the man dying in a tank explosion. The latte is sweet in a café in Munich and you reach for the place where a straw is supposed to be.

“Oof, excuse me,” as you bump into someone on the way to the counter.

You look at the person and it’s him. Even without the mask and the heaps of military gear, it’s him.

“Simon.” He reaches his hand out.

He nods at the sound of your name and shakes your hand. Maybe there is a chance to still start over with him. An old cardigan, he puts you on and calls it his favourite in a quiet Thursday in a café in Germany.

---

I knew you would come back to me, as I would to you.

#fanfic #cod mw2 #male reader #x male reader #x reader #ghost x reader #ghost x male reader #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x male reader #ghost fanfiction #call of duty

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astraystayyh · 10 months

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for a little positivity on the tl!!! share your favorite stayblr accounts or fics that you think deserve more recognition (it can even be your own!!)

I'll start!! this hyunjin fic (the world does not exist at night by @hyu7eii ) might be the best hyune fic I've ever read and it's so underrated, just pure poetry

nothing, everything by @inniejeonginnie, very human and realistic, love cannot make you feel better instantly but it is the light at the end of the tunnel and this portrayed it perfectly

X marks the spot where we fall apart by @nicolagreta soo angsty it made me so sad :( like i physically felt it in my bones

on the same angsty note there is marry me by @liknws AND IT WRECKED ME. so beautifully written but in an achy way. very delicious pain

burden by @ellestray and it's one of the most accurate representation of han I've ever read, the dialogue is so mature yet so beautiful. i loved it so muchhh

everything by @sugrlamb THE REASSURANCE IS EVERYTHING IN THIS ONE, i need this specific seungmin.

special by @amelee23 this is different than usual skz pieces on here but it's so heartfelt and raw and the love is very pure in it, i loved it, a very fitting title

the mini love letter series by @agi-ppangx , FIRST such a cute concept, second the emotional rollercoaster from fluffy to angsty has me in a chokehold. (op i promise I'll reblog with my full thoughts soon!!!)

and i need more ppl to read butterfly bandage by @subskz , labyrinth by @soobnny and forgive me for what I haven't done by @rachalixie . I'll never stop shouting my love for these fics they're so perfectly written, like pure art, like i can't believe I'm reading this for free type of writing

#pls share ur fav fics i wanna read moreeeeeeeee #also ik this is motivating to writers which in turn makes them write more pieces for us that we can giggle/cry/lose our minds over SO #win win FOR ALL PARTIES #please give these fics a read I PROMISE IT'S SOOO WORTH IT #ily all good nightt ❣️#fic recs #sahar's.thoughts <3

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taestefully-in-luv · 1 year

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Our Time | JJK (Six)

Summary: After an accident and being in a coma for three months, you finally wake. But the last nine years of your life have been completely erased. You rely on none other than your best friend, Jungkook, to help regain your memories and yourself. But what happens when the truth of your missing time starts unraveling and it isn’t all it’s made out to be?

Pairing: Jungkook x Fem Reader (Detective!Jk x Graphic Designer!OC) side pairing: Seokjin x Reader

Genre: crime au, fluff, heavy angst, smut, romance, darker themes, amnesia au. Best friends to ???

Word Count: 10.4k

Warnings: ANGSTY chapter ahead. swearing, frustrations of amnesia, detailed descriptions of anxiety and panic attacks, mentions of blood, mentions of child abduction, lots of crying, confrontation, allusions to infidelity within marriage, feelings of betrayal, mention of suicide/death, obvious alcoholism, umm I think that’s it.

a/n: happy valentines day💕 (I haven’t slept yet so its still vday for me hehe) this is not a romantic chapter at all but I hope you still enjoy it. Thanks for those who have been patiently waiting for this chapter since ive been dealing with a lot lately. Well, I hope you guys enjoy and please let me know what you think! Send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat :]

Previous --- Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Generally speaking, light can serve as a symbol of life.

When there is light, it touches and beautifully blinds with bright, shimmering hope. But for you, your eyes have cast any ray of shining light away. And your entire view has been enveloped in the arms of darkness.

If light is a symbol of life but you and your soul are being carried on a ferry across the river of Styx towards the underworld…then is it safe to assume you are no longer living?

Have you truly died on the inside?

And this is your stygian reality?

Because now, in your world, light no longer exists.

You’re thankful for those people who know how to naturally calm others down. Those people who remain collected during a crisis. Those people who can snap someone out of there demise even when they’re rattled as well. Those people who remind you to breathe even when they’ve forgotten.

Well, Subin is not one of those people.

“He knows we’re coming, right?” Subin aggressively tries to exit the parking lot of the market, her eyes going everywhere yet you aren’t so sure she’s even seeing properly.

“I—I talked to the nurse, s-she said to come now. The doctor should be free…fuck, I hope.” You look out the window, your head spinning while your chest grows tighter and tighter.

Breathing with calm, even breaths is hard.

It’s even harder because Subin is tense, her fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as she tries to catch her own breath.

She’s always been the type to cry when others cry. Panic when other’s panic. So on and so forth.

You try your hardest to take a breath before speaking, “Can you drive?” You rest the side of your head against the window, your vision looking blurrier and darker. “J-Just pull ov—”

“—Shit, I’m so sorry, y/n.” Subin’s voice shakes, her eyes trying so hard to stay focused on the road. “I’m okay. I’m okay. You’re okay?” She quickly glances at you, “You’re okay, right?”

You rest your palm against your rapid heart, eyes squeezing shut at the pain and discomfort your chest is feeling. You need to breathe. Relax.

“I-I’m fine.” You say as composed as you possibly can. “Water? Water? Do you…do you have water in here…?” You tiredly lean your head back, chest rising and falling quickly. “I feel sick.”

“Sick?” Subin clears her throat, though she’s panicking herself, she tries to get her shit together. “Like how?” She glances at you again, “I think there’s a bag behind your seat. Throw up in it if you need to….”

“Water, Subin.” You feel your throat closing in on you, “Do you have—”

“—Um,” Subin keeps one hand on the steering wheel while the other frantically feels the sides and below her car seat. “I think there’s a bottle…” She continues to search, the car slightly swerving but you hardly notice. “Here!”

You manage to open your eyes, sudden relief filling your veins when you see a half empty bottle of water. Subin pushes it towards you before she’s urging you to have some.

“Drink slowly.” She keeps a worried eye on you while driving as quickly as she can to the hospital.

The moment water begins trickling down your throat, you feel the dizziness that’s consumed you start to subside.

With half of that bottle of water in your system, your vision is less blurry and less dark.

Literally speaking, darkness doesn’t have a veil over your eyes any longer.

But figuratively speaking, not even an ounce of light shines in your world at all.

You still can’t breathe. Because how could you?

How could you with the knowledge you currently have?

You’re convinced you’re having a heart attack…Doctor Lee, however, isn’t convinced about that.

“You’re just panicking.” He tells you softly, his eyes trained on your expressions. “It’s okay. This is completely normal, y/n.”

You quickly shake your head, refusing to accept that it’s only your emotions here that are the problem.

“This is normal…” He reminds you again, a gentle hand patting your back. “Once you accept that this is normal, it’ll get easier to control it. You’re overwhelmed and that’s okay.”

“I-I can’t breathe.” You manage to tell him, fingers tugging at the collar of your shirt. You wish you could tear off your clothes, your skin, all the feelings that bombard you.

“You can breathe.” Doctor Lee brings his hand towards his own body, he motions upward now with both hands as he urges you to inhale deeply. “You’re breathing right now. You’ve been breathing this whole time…even when it was hard, you’re still breathing, y/n.”

He’s…right. Since the market, since the car, since waiting for Doctor Lee to show up in this tiny room—you’ve been breathing the entire time.

You try to nod, swallowing hard but it hurts.

Actually, it seems the physical pain is disappearing while emotional pain begins to sink it’s teeth into you. Pain is pain, you realize.

“Good,” Doctor Lee keeps his focus on you, “Can you give me a deep breath?”

You nod, trying your hardest to inhale a breath but it’s sharp and poisoned.

Your eyes slam shut, your entire body closing in on itself.

“Try to let go of a long breath for me,” Doctor Lee’s voice is soothing, “Feel everything. Gather all of it…and let it go with a long, long breath. Can you do that?”

Feel everything and let it go? How could you do that?

“I can’t.” You shake your head, eyes still slammed shut. “I just can’t.”

“You can.” He tells you, voice still calm. “I’m not asking you to sort through all your emotions right now and just let them go. No,” Doctor Lee sighs out for a moment before he’s pulling his chair out right in front of you and taking a seat. “I’m just asking you to recognize you have them and release them for a moment. That way you can gain more strength for when you eventually have to grab them again. You can’t get stronger if the panic you feel burdens you, y/n. Let’s breathe…”

You open your teary eyes, teeth digging into your bottom lip as harsh breaths make your entire body grow weaker. Doctor Lee looks pleased just at the fact you’ve opened your eyes. He nods his head with a tender smile before he starts breathing with you. In and out. Slow and rest assuring.

You aren’t sure how long it takes for you to have calm breaths again.

Doctor Lee doesn’t rush you. He gives you time and space to collect yourself. He’s aware that you are here because some memories have flooded your brain. And he’s aware that it had you drowning. He has told you countless times to reach out to him the moment something like this begins. You guess he anticipated this kind of reaction.

“Just in case, I still want to run some tests. I’ll get nurse Choi to do labs.” Doctor Lee is scribbling onto his clipboard, but his eyes are still on you. “I know today has been scary for you but I’m sure your results will be fine. It’s always better to be a little more precautious, don’t you think?”

Your limbs are weak, draped over this uncomfortable chair as you give Doctor Lee a noncommittal nod. All of your energy has been drained from your body. Leaving you weak and helpless.

Doctor Lee’s pen comes to a slow stop, his lips turning down as he eyes you. “Hey,” He calls out slowly, your eyes barely lifting to him. “I’m afraid it’s going to be like this…overwhelming. Scary. Emotionally, physically draining.”

You stare at him with empty eyes.

“But this is a good sign, y/n….” He says and you can tell he isn’t necessarily happy to say it. “Your memories are in there and they’re going to start leaking out…and it won’t always be easy.”

You muster what little energy you have to scoff to yourself, “No kidding.”

“It just…it means that the chances of all your memory returning is a lot greater. They can all return to you.” He says much softer. You don’t respond though, making Doctor Lee sigh out in defeat before he’s placing the clipboard down. “This first time will probably be the hardest. It’s the first time you’re receiving new information.”

Your eyes meet his when he says that. Your brows slowly pull together as you think about it. “Well, kind of.” You admit to him. “I remembered a cat…” the space between your eyebrows creases further as you try to make things make sense in your head. “Actually…I have a question.”

Doctor Lee nods immediately, his attentive eyes on you. “What is it?”

“Is it possible to remember some things but not others?” You ask, but shake your head as soon as you ask it. “I mean…for example, I remember a cat that I shouldn’t remember. I only remember the cat though. I don’t remember anything else about the timeline of this cats life. You know, the things happening around this cat.”

Doctor Lee furrow his own brows, trying his best to make sense of what you’re asking.

You try to explain further, “I remember this cat. But I don’t remember that at the same time as this cat, I was also married.”

It seems it finally clicks, his mouth falling a little open as he nods. “I understand.”

“It’s just…the thing I remembered today…I remember certain details but there’s so much still missing.” You pause, the gloomy pressure once again in your chest but you take a deep breath. “Is it…” You meet Doctors Lee’s gaze again. “Is it possible that my brain blocked out an entire person in my memory? But I…” You can feel the tightness returning. “I….I have memory of this person existing within things but I don’t have actualrecollection of this per—person.”

You shouldn’t feel ashamed the moment you see Doctor Lee’s eyes fill with pity.

“You know,” He clears his throat, blinking away the pity he feels for you. “The brain is truly such a complex thing. Your memories might come to you with no warning and things might not always make sense. Eventually, you might be able to piece some together. And yeah, I’d say it’s entirely possible not to have all the knowing details when you remember an event.”

“Then—”

“—But don’t be discouraged that things will always stay that way. Like you’re going to live your life solving some puzzle.”

Your eyes sting the moment he says that. You’re realizing how true that feels for you…like you’re just a player apart of some game. But you aren’t even sure you have all the puzzle pieces to even play.

“As overwhelming as it is, this is a good sign. Your memories will most likely return. And maybe even soon.”

You realize he’s saying this as if it’s a positive.

But you aren’t so sure that you even want them to return anymore.

“It might take Nurse Choi a little while to get your labs started…she’s doing some rounds right now.” Doctor Lee takes a look at his watch, “But I can grab your friend from the waiting room if you’d like me to? You’d be less bored waiting in here.” He smiles.

Though you cannot return his smile, you agree.

You know Subin is in this tiny room with you. You watched when one of the nurses brought her in. But even still, you jump in your chair when she calls out for you. Her worried eyes glued to you but you’ve barely noticed. Too busy sorting through the things you’ve seen in your head.

“Are you…” Subin’s voice is delicate over the harsh and rough thumping of your heartbeat. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

You are okay. Because you weren’t experiencing a heart attack.

But are you okay? No, not at all.

You keep staring at nothing and Subin can do nothing but worry in the chair next to you. Her eyes anxiously darting around while you tap your foot against the floor impatiently.

“y/n…” Subin says your name softly, her concern overflowing. “You—”

“—Exactly.” You give a curt nod, “They must be real.”

Subin frowns when she realizes you aren’t listening to her.

“They have to be real because…” You tear your gaze away from the abyss and bore your eyes into Subin’s. “She said my name, Subin.”

Subin tilts her head, gears working in her head but her confusion only grows. “What?”

“I just…” You drop your eyes back to the floor, focusing on nothing again. “I keep thinking that maybe my brain is making up the things I saw in my head.” You say quietly, your words feeling heavy on your tongue. “It wouldn’t be a first time…” You try to reason, more to yourself. You recall the boat, the lake, the scream, the shadow…what was real and what wasn’t? “I keep trying to think that my brain is just throwing out theories again.”

Subin shifts in the uncomfortable chair, “What…what do you mean?”

You sigh, a hand rubbing at your face tiredly. “I’m thinking of reasons.”

“Reasons?”

You drop your hand to your lap, an uneasy expression falling over your face as you glance at your friend. “A reason not to hate Jungkook.”

Subin’s eyebrows immediately pinch together, “W-Why?”

You close your eyes for a moment, trying your best to take a deep breath. You hate that your heart feels miserable in your body right now. It’s screaming and it’s crying. Your heart’s loud, pathetic sobs are bouncing off the walls of your ribcage and you don’t know what to do to put it to rest.

“I have nothing.” You whisper. A heavy feeling begins clinging to you like a cloak you cannot shrug off. “I have no excuses for him.” Your voice cracks, eyes still closed. “I know why I blame him for Haru and I know why we divorced.”

“What? Why?” Subin is suddenly more alert. You hear the way her chair screeches across the tile as she brings herself closer to you. “Are you sure? What…what is it?”

You finally open your eyes, head tilted back as you stare up at the ceiling now. “Nabi.”

It’s silent for a moment. You wonder if Subin heard you or not so you finally turn your head to face her but she looks even more confused.

“Nabi?” She finally gets the name out in question. She tries to think about it but after a moment she gives up. “Who’s that?”

“The girl from that café you like.” You tell her, “She was our server the first time we went together.”

Subin sits back in her chair, her brain trying to understand what you’re saying. “Okay…a girl from the café is why—”

“—I knew I knew her.” You cut her off, eyes going back to nothing as you focus on Nabi. “She was so familiar and I had no clue why. But she said we didn’t know each other. And I am almost so certain she never heard my name.”

Subin shakes her head, leaning towards you. “And then what?”

“Then I ran into her at the store and I saw so many things.” You get the words out quickly and stop just as fast. You saw a lot of things. Too many things. “I…” You try to speak again but your throat is burning and you heart is crying again.

“You think she had something to do with Haru?” Subin asks you, concern clear in her voice.

“I…” You pause again. Your chest is feeling tight all over again but you can’t risk losing your ability to breathe now. “She also has to do with my failing marriage.” You keep your eyes low.

“Your marr…” Subin’s words get quieter before her hand goes to your shoulder, “Are you saying that Jungkook knows her?”

You scoff, trying your best to remain calm. But your voice betrays you, “Considering he was cheating on me with her then yeah, I-I would say so.”

You’re startled when Subin is standing from her chair, concerned eyes forcing themselves to you, “Woah, woah. You don’t really think…” She shakes her head, rejecting the entire idea. “No, you are not saying Jungkook—”

“—I don’t want to be saying that, Subin.” You snap at her, your eyes growing watery as your voice shakes. “But that’s what I’ve—I’ve seen. M-my brain showed me so much and that’s why I…why I keep thinking maybe they aren’t actual memories. That I don’t actually know her.” You feel you are starting to lose control again, your breaths coming out faster. “But Subin,” Your face twists and your heartache is seen. “She said my name. She knows my name. She knows who I am.”

Subin takes a seat again, unsure of what to say.

“If we know each other…then it means maybe what I saw was…” You swallow hard but not choking on your words is fucking hard. “It was m-maybe real then.”

“But I mean…are you really sure though?” Subin rests a hand over your shoulder. “I’m sorry but…is what you’re seeing…you know, reliable?”

You feel yourself grow weak and small in this chair. Your body slumping over and slightly sliding down as you try to think of a proper response.

“I mean,” Subin’s fingers give you a comforting squeeze, “I’m not saying we shouldn’t trust what you’ve seen…but it’s a tricky situation.”

You know you are dying inside. Truly, even if a flickering light that might have been keeping you alive until this moment has shut off. Because you wish you could agree with her and let that thought alone comfort you. But again, you aren’t ignorant. And you won’t start now.

“No, they’re memories.” You tell her, eyes on the ground. “I know they are. I feel them.”

Subin’s hand drops from your shoulder, a sad and soft ‘oh’ spills quietly from her mouth.

You try to straighten up in the chair, letting a deep sigh roll off your body. “But until I talk to Jungkook…I can’t really confirm it. Even though I know. I need to talk to him.”

“Can I…” Subin scoots her chair closer to you again, the legs pushed against the legs of your chair. “Can I ask what you saw? Why you think that…that Jungkook was having an affair? And what does it…” She softly trails off, her voice clearly unsure.

“And what it has to do with Haru?” You finally face your friend with sad, blood shot eyes. “He was with herwhen Haru was supposed to get p-picked up.” You continue to stare at Subin, her heart breaking when she sees how you try to hold back tears. “Isn’t it crazy that I know that? That I know about Haru? But I don’t fucking…” You stop when your throat burns too much, words refusing to leave your mouth. You fight through it regardless and finish what you are saying with broken words and a broken heart. “B-But I don’t f-fucking know him?”

Subin eyes you with pity and you’re sure you’ve received this all before.

“I remember seeing them together. Multiple o-occasions.” You admit to your friend, voice shaky. “It’s hard to tell though…from my memory if it was in person or pictures, videos, I don’t know. I know I confronted him and he just…” Your expression twists miserably. “He could n-never prove to me that my assumptions weren’t—weren’t right.”

“But that doesn’t me—”

“—M-Motel rooms…so many f-fucking secrets, Subin.” You finally properly choke on your words because of a quiet sob in your throat. “A pregnancy test?”

“A what?” Subin’s face falls, “A preg—no, maybe you—”

“As much as I want to believe Jungkook w-wouldn’t…” You slam your eyes shut and finally, several warm tears manage to fall from your closed lids. “But there is so much evidence against him and he could n-never fucking prove...”

“Okay, okay.” Subin’s sweet voice turns even more soothing, her hand returning to your shoulder. “I’m so sorry, y/n.” She whispers, “Seriously…I wish this wasn’t…”

“No,” You straighten up again, your hands desperately wiping at your face. “I won’t mourn y-yet when I haven’t talked to Jungkook.”

Because somehow…even with your bones screaming the truth at you.

You still want to believe in him.

At least until you are forced not to.

~~~

Subin parks right in front of your house, her worried eyes going between you and Jungkook’s car that is also parked here.

“We left for the grocery store and came back emptyhanded…” Subin nibbles her lips, her concern growing. “What if he’s like ‘why don’t you have my chips?’ or something…”

You slowly turn your head to eye Subin, eyes narrowing at her before you deadpan, “Then I’ll just ask him why he cheated on me.”

Subin’s mouth immediately falls open.

“Or something.” You say before unbuckling your seatbelt. “Anyway, thanks for taking me to the hospital…might end up there again,” You glance out the window towards your home. “Depending how this conversation goes…”

“y/n…” Subin’s hand lands on your shoulder, stopping you from opening the passenger door to get out, “I just…want to say again how sorry I feel…” Her hand slowly drops when she notices your distant gaze and then she quietly clears her throat. “I hope it’s not what you think but regardless…I’m here for you.”

You finally meet her eye and you can see her sincerity but the best you can do for her right now is give her a small nod of appreciation before you’re opening the door.

And even though the car door feels heavier than you recall, you still get it open. But your body almost refuses to move. Once again, your brain is sending signals. Telling your body not to go in there. Because you won’t like it. Your brain, mocking you again. Keeping secrets from you because it’s playing some kind of sick and twisted game.

You’d think your brain was helping you, because of all the signals, but you know that isn’t the case. You know it’s just trying to get a scare out of you because why else would it keep your memories away if not to play with you?

“Hey,” Subin calls out softly, “You can do this…”

And she’s right. You can.

Walking through your front door, you have to keep reminding yourself silently over and over to stay strong. Though the urge to break down, falling to the floor while misery consumes you wholly is strong but you don’t. Because you can’t. It would be a bit premature to have the full on meltdown your body is begging for because you still need to face Jungkook.

The moment you close the front door and begin slipping your shoes off, your nose is suddenly invaded with a savory aroma. You glance up, eyes in the direction of the kitchen when you finally realize Jungkook must be cooking. It smells good, you guess. But no matter what is cooking in the kitchen, it’s not good enough to take away any of the pain you are currently feeling.

“y/n?” You hear your name being called. Jungkook’s voice is one you’re used to, one you find comfort in, one you love—so why did you flinch? Why is your body warning you? Signals from your brain again? That fucking dickhead brain of yours. You stand up straight again, eyes still in the direction of the kitchen when you try to take one long, deep breath.

“y/n!” You flinch again. Frozen in your spot, unable to make your feet mood forward. You stare at the wall ahead and anticipate Jungkook turning the corner and seeing you. You anticipate seeing his face and you anticipate the instant dread you will feel upon seeing him.

“y/n!” He sings your name cutely this time.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You finally let out an incredibly shallow breath because Jungkook finally appears from the kitchen, his face lit up in excitement when he meets your eye.

“Hey!” He walks towards you, his hand sliding across the top of the sofa as he gets closer, his eyes glancing around. “Subin in the bathroom or something?”

You need to breathe.

“—Well, since you’re making me my favorite homemade cookies,” He continues chatting with a grin, excited glint so obvious in his eyes. “Which are a dessert. I figured I could make dinner.” He turns to look towards the kitchen, sheepish expression on his face. “I’ve made this dish a hundred times but…” He turns to meet your eye again, his hand lifting to scratch the back of his neck, “Only after we were married. So it will be new for you. But um,” He looks down, sheepish smile still on his face. “It’s actually Haru’s favorite.”

You haven’t moved a single muscle.

You haven’t said a word.

You have barely had an audible breath.

Still, Jungkook looks happy in his own world when he brings up your son.

Your son that you can’t even remember.

“I figure I could share some more stories tonight…about us, Haru…” Jungkook keep his eyes on his feet, still scratching the back of his neck. Almost looking shy. “Well, of course if you think you c…could…” Jungkook trails off when he finally lifts his eyes towards you but he isn’t met with same you that left for the store a few hours ago. He’s met with a you that he almost recognizes. Like he’s seen this expression before. On the you, that only he really knows.

“y/n?” His brows slightly pinch together, confusion draping over his features. “Are you…” He glances around again, “Where’s Subin? And where’s the things from the store?”

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You didn’t realize you were capable of being a coward.

You want to move your feet. You want to open your mouth to speak. Hell, you want to blink. But you aren’t capable of anything. Except being a fucking coward.

Because you are afraid. You’re terrified. For more reasons than you can count.

You’re imprisoned, once again.

“Hey,” Jungkook studies your face, his concern evident. “What’s going on?”

Feeling a bit hesitant, Jungkook still walks closer to you. His concern only growing because you still don’t move, you still don’t make a sound, you still stare at him with wide eyes.

You stare at him and you only have one repeated thought that wanders around in your head. How easy would it be? How easy would it be to live ignorantly? The thing you have always refused to do. How easy would it be? How easy would it be to pretend your ‘memories’ are just theories that you brain is throwing out for fun? How easy to only trust Jungkook. And not yourself.

“y/n…” Jungkook’s eyes fill with worry. “Are you…” He lifts a hand towards you and you watch as it rises towards your face but your entire body jolts when you hear a loud slapping sound. Your dry lips finally part and you’re blinking repeatedly. You shoot your eyes to Jungkook’s face, only to see his expression completely twisted.

He stands frozen in front of you, hand still hangs in the air as his eyebrows pull together and his jaw hangs slack.

Your eyes go from his face to his hand when you lower your eyes to stare at your own hand.

You slapped his hand away.

Your brain sent signals to your body and that was the result.

So, no. To answer your question—it wouldn’t be fucking easy.

You both stand here, shocked by your own action.

Jungkook’s confusion only grows deeper, his hand slowly lowering to his side again when he takes a small step back. “Oh.” He says softly, the hurt is in his voice and it makes you wince. Or cringe. You aren’t sure which.

You try to open your mouth so words can force their way out but instead you notice the feeling of pins and needles start to poke at your skin. Your fingers, your toes, your lips. Confused, you bring your fingers to your mouth, fingers barely grazing over your bottom lip where it tingles uncomfortably. You drop your hand, curling your fingers in and out as you try to make sense of what’s happening.

You stare down at yourself, your chest rising and falling quickly.

When did you start breathing again?

And when did you start breathing this rapidly?

You glance around, feeling trapped because you’re sure this room is closing in on you. Everything is beginning to feel close and suffocating, like the walls are inching closer and closer, caging you in so you can suffer. Harsh, heavy breaths are pushing past your lips now. Panicked eyes going everywhere but Jungkook. Your throat…it’s closing in on you. Just like your walls. Your throat is growing smaller and smaller, your hands quickly flying to your neck and chest, as you touch yourself desperately.

“y/n.” Jungkook is in front of you again, his eyes totally focused on you and his worried eyes grow antsier. “Hey, what is happening?” His voice sounds rushed, panicked even. “Talk to me.”

You can’t talk though. You can’t swallow your own spit. You can’t even breathe.

“y/n.” Jungkook reaches for you again, both his hands on your arms but you flinch immediately, your blown out eyes landing on him when you shove him off.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” You scream out, voice shrill and uneven. “D-Don’t fucking touch me, Jungkook.” You take several wobbly steps back, your breaths still rough and rapid.

Jungkook’s hands hang in the air, holding nothing but the ghost of your body he once knew.

His eyes are boring into the empty space and you see how utterly hurt he looks.

But you don’t have it in yourself to feel compassion for his confusion. Because right now, you only see Nabi’s face in your mind, along with Jungkook’s right next to her.

You wish you could control how your mind and body are feeling right now because if it were up to you, you would be calm and confronting Jungkook with ease because you are supposed to trust him. But you can’t control your anxiety, your panic or your dread.

Slowly lowering his arms, Jungkook tries to find your eyes with his and you notice the fear plaguing them. “y/n…” He tries your name, the word falling soft and cautious from his lips. “What’s going on?”

You squeeze your eyes shut for a moment, tingly lips and fingers making you feel even more strange as quick breaths force their way out of you. You need to relax. Fucking relax. You need to get it together so you can dismiss the images in your brain and fall into the arms of the man in front of you because you love him and you trust him. That’s right. Get this conversation over with so you can move on. Because surely, your brain is wrong.

“Um,” You pry your eyes open but your vision is a bit blurry from unfallen tears. “Okay…” You take several deep breaths, trying your hardest so you’ll be able to speak.

“Take your time.” Jungkook says in a whisper. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

You will be okay. You hope.

“Jungkook.” Your chest still rises and falls with each deep breath. “I-I have to…” You pause, tongue darting out to lick your dry lips. “I…I ran into Nabi at the store.”

Your words aren’t rushed as you say them, in fact, everything feels slow. Even Jungkook’s eyes widening and the fear inside them only grow fiercer seems to happen slowly. Like, the world around you is in slow motion until suddenly it’s not. Jungkook’s eyes quickly shoot down to the wooden floors as you see his mind working in overdrive.

“I know who she is.” You find the courage to say, “I ran into her before…she s-seemed familiar. But today, I suddenly got mem—”

“—What did you see?” Jungkook quickly looks at you again, panic written all over his face. “You probably didn’t—”

“—Did you cheat on…did you ch…” You stop, the words too painful as they sit on your tongue like a knife slicing it apart. “J-Jungkook were you having an—”

“—No!” Jungkook suddenly walks closer to you, his hands desperate to reach for you but he doesn’t. Perhaps, he’s afraid you’ll slap them away again. “Fuck, y/n, I—”

You see his anxiety clear as day and somehow it only makes you feel worse. Your breaths grow slower and something close to despair throws its arms around you and holds you close. “Jungkook,” You don’t want to ask it. You don’t want the answer. “Were…were you with her when Haru was taken?”

Jungkook’s rolls his lips until they’re set in a firm line across his face, his eyes closing for a brief moment and you notice regret sticking to him.

“Were you?” You repeat.

He opens his eyes again and with a quiet voice, he finally responds. “Yes.”

You suck in a sharp breath, but you try to remain as calm as possible. “Okay.” You give a curt nod, “And…have you gone to motels with her?”

He glances up briefly, jaw clenching, “Yes.”

A stab to your chest, “Okay. B-Before Haru was taken…were…” Your throat burns like acid sticks to the walls, “Were we having problems in our m-marriage?”

Jungkook’s expression twists, scrunching in panic, perhaps. “Yes.” He admits with a shaky voice.

You give a small nod before asking the question that makes or breaks this. “Were you seeing her because of a case?”

Jungkook immediately looks at you, wide, panicked eyes and you see how they fill with tears. His mouth drops open but only a shallow breath comes out. You wait for his answer. Need his answer. He quickly shuts his mouth, head turning to the side as you see him struggle to even look at you now, “No.” He finally says, the word pushed out as if he was in agony. And maybe he is.

He said no.

And just like that, you have your answer. Just like the past, he offers nothing more to ease your mind. No proof that there isn’t an affair happening. You stare at him. Lips parted and eyes blinking slowly.

Your breaths are calm. But you feel weak. Like his simple answer drained every bit of life out of your body. You almost wish you could scream, cry or even through something from the rage that must be inside you.

But it feels like there is nothing inside you.

This betrayal only has you feeling empty.

“You…” Your voice cracks, thick tears bubbling over and falling from your eyes. “You were…”

“y/n.” Jungkook finally looks at you again and he sounds terrified. “Please, please, I am begging you, to please trust—”

“—Trust you? Fine.” You cry out, “Tell me exactly what was going on then. Tell—Tell me everything!” You take a step forward, your voice clearly begging. “Explain the fuck-fucking situation, Jungkook. So I can fucking believe you.”

Jungkook stares at you, confliction in his eyes like how you’ve gotten used to.

“You can’t, right?” You scoff, tears wetting your warm cheeks. “You couldn’t then either. Y-You just can’t fucking tell me the truth, right?”

Jungkook finally breaks. His lips twisting, eyes shutting in frustration and you see his own tears. “y/n please…” He begs too, his hands going to his face, rubbing his tired eyes. “Fuck, please…you need to just….y/n…please just,” He chokes on his words, a quiet sob in his throat. “I can’t d-do this again, please…I can’t do this y/n.” He cries into his hands. “I fucking can’t. I can’t. Fuck fucking everything.”

You watch as he cries for himself. Feeling bad for himself. Pity for himself. Instead of being honest with you, he does this.

“Please trust me. Don’t trust what you’re see—”

“—You’re asking me to trust you but not myself?” You ask in almost disbelief. You might not remember everything but it seems your feelings from that time are still so alive inside you. And that’s what you’re going to trust. “You want me to believe you but not believe prior accident me? That d-doesn’t sit right with me.” You tell him.

“y/n…” He wipes at his eyes and his nose before trying to look at you, eyes afraid and pathetic, “Please don’t do this again…I can’t do this without you again,” He shakes his head, bottom lip quivering. “Please, my love.”

You take a step back, feeling overwhelmed. “D-Don’t call me that.”

It feels strange to be called that by him. Strange yet familiar. And you thought the oddness that accompanied the term of endearment is because you just aren’t used to it yet. But really it’s because he isn’t supposed to be calling you that. Not anymore.

Your teeth dig into your bottom lip, not an ounce of pain felt. “You know,” You cry out in a whisper, “I don’t remember everything. But,” You try to speak through your tears. “But this heartache feels all too familiar. You need to leave…”

And somehow the despair in Jungkook’s eyes and the terror and look of defeat on his face also feel all too familiar.

Because you have both been through this before already.

~~~

It’s been a week since running into Nabi and confronting Jungkook. A week since you’ve cried. A week since you’ve felt anything rumbling inside your body. A week since you’ve left your house. A week since you’ve ate a proper meal. A week since you’ve felt anything beyond an empty despair.

Lying in bed at dawn, you lazily poke at Haru’s robot, the cold plastic on your fingertips. You poke it in the chest, over and over, soft yet determined.

“Do you have a heart in there?” You quietly ask it, somehow disappointed when it doesn’t answer you. “You…” You softly grip the toy, bringing it closer to your chest when you sigh out. “You don’t sleep either, right?”

And in the last week, the only one you’ve really talked to is this robot. Haru’s robot. You believe the comfort you feel from talking and holding this toy is because deep down you feel its familiarity with it being your sons. But also, you find yourself relating to this robot. Both empty, skin cold like plastic and neither of you having the ability to sleep. Only the option to ‘shut down’.

You glance towards the window, the sun rising again like it always does. And you wish it didn’t. You don’t want to see the sun, you don’t want to see any light. How could the world keep on going when for you, personally, it’s ended.

Your phone has been going off all week, your friends and parents expressing their concern for your quiet mood. Your parents don’t necessarily know what’s going on but Misuk and Subin have a better idea, considering Subin was there for the first half. You have asked for space and you’ve manage to let them know every night that you’re still here. Even when you kind of don’t want to be.

Jungkook hasn’t reached out even once.

You don’t want to talk to him but the fact that he’s quiet…it feels even more solidifying that he’s guilty.

And the fact your heart is broken beyond repair and it is so completely familiar to you…tells you he’s been guilty since then.

It hurts. It hurts more than you ever thought possible. Because even with missing memories, you feel how badly this hurts. Even though you don’t fully recall your actual relationship, you feel it. How real it was. How beautiful it was. How tragic it was.

You can feel the pain as if you actually never forgot it.

And that’s why you’re choosing to trust yourself.

You barely react when your phone goes off, eyes lazily sliding over to the device that lays abandoned on the other side of the bed. You debate checking it. But for whatever reason, you reach for it and see it’s only a text from Misuk asking if you’re free today.

You aren’t necessarily ready to face anyone quite yet but still, you tell her yes. You have received a few more memories that you’re piecing together like a jumbled up story and you’d like to talk about them.

“Are you…” Misuk eyes you over, pity all over her face as she leans back into the sofa, “You know, eating?”

“Sometimes.” You shrug, “I made an iced coffee today if that counts.”

“It doesn’t.” Misuk sighs out, “Why don’t I order us something? Subin should be here any second so I don’t want to ask her to pick something up when she’s this close by.”

“If you’re hungry, sure.” You shrug again. You keep your eyes lowered, fingers picking at your cuticles.

It’s only a few minutes later when Subin has joined you and Misuk on the couch. Her antsy hands running up and down her thighs as she waits for you to answer her question.

“So?” She softly urges you to respond.

“Yeah,” You reply quietly, eyes on your lap as you look completely detached from the conversation. “My memories were right, I guess.”

You hear Subin release a long breath before she curses, “Shit…”

You shrug, “I guess my miserable life before the accident continues, huh?” You chuckle bitterly, eyes losing focus on anything.

“At first you were.” Misuk whispers, “But lately you had gotten…I don’t know, maybe—”

“—Well, I’m actually probably more miserable than before. Because I have to rediscover everything and feel each little thing…one,” You start picking at your cuticles again, “By one.”

“y/n…” You can hear the pity in Subin’s voice.

“And this time, instead of feeling upset about my probably dead child, I can just feel guilty for not even remembering him. Mother of the year.” You rip back a piece of skin from the corner of your pinky, blood immediately pooling but you don’t care. You move to the next finger.

“y/n.” Misuk says your name in shock, “You don’t believe that for one second.”

You snap your head up, “Believe what?”

“That Haru is—”

“—I don’t even fucking know him.” You spit out. “And maybe it’s best that I never—”

“—You don’t mean that!” Subin cuts in, a soft disappointment in her voice. “I know this is hard and…” She stops talking when you narrow your eyes at her.

“You know how hard this is? Oh, do you?” Your lips turn up at the corner before you nod your head, “This happened to you before? You know what I’m going through?”

“Hey,” Misuk’s voice is scolding, “You know what Subin means.”

“Do I?” You scoff. “Let’s be honest guys,” You look between the two of them. “Do either of you even know me anymore? Do I even know you anymore? You said it yourself,” You look back down to your hands, “We barely speak anymore.”

“We barely speak because of you.” Misuk points out coldly, “You shut us out. And you’re trying to do it again! Like, wow here we go again.”

Your brow arches, almost looking amused. “Again?” You spit the word out. “Well, sorry Misuk, sorry that things fucking suck and I’m not here smiling for you. Again. I barely recall the first time this all happened and you’re mad I’m fucking reacting. Mad that I’m mad. I’m sad. I’m fucking heartbroken!” You cry out the last line. “I love you but maybe let’s not act like a bitch when neither of you know what the fuck I’m going through, hm?” You raise your brows at her with icy eyes.

Misuk’s brows furrow but you see something flash across her face. It’s not anger. You don’t even think she’s offended. Instead you see understanding. She slowly nods her head, glancing at Subin before she clears her throat. “Okay, I’m sorry.” She says quietly, “You’re right…you’re totally right and I’m sorry. I guess…” She pauses.

“We just miss you, y/n.” Subin continues for Misuk, “We’re afraid to lose you again. That’s all. But you’re right, you shouldn’t have to act like everything is okay when it’s not.”

Misuk nods, eyes searching for yours, “And it’s not.” She says softly, “I really am sorry.”

You continue to stare down at your lap, lips pressed into one another.

“If you’re able…why don’t you tell us what you do remember?” Misuk tries to get you to open up again instead of shutting down. You know this. You want to answer…it’s why you let them come over in the first place.

You nod, eyes still lowered. “Okay.”

Subin reaches over and gives your shoulder a squeeze, “Whatever feels manageable. Don’t push yourself too much.”

Finally lifting your eyes towards your friends, you decide to fill them in. “I’ve been remembering a few things.” You admit. “Not actual memories? I don’t know how to explain it. Not…you know, movie scenes in my head but I remember certain things because it’s like…I just know. Does…does that make sense? No, it probably doesn’t, right?”

“Like you’re remembering facts rather than images?” Misuk asks and you immediately nod your head quickly.

“Yes!” You say with a bit of enthusiasm. “That’s exactly it. So, basically…just things I know about our—Jungkook and I’s—marriage.”

“Oh.” Subin’s eyes are eager to know more.

“Misuk was right. It was rocky.”

“I knew it.” Misuk curses, “You never really outright said it but…I kind of figured. You never were the type to admit something like that since you’re the type to solve things by yourself.”

“I guess I didn’t really solve anything.” You feel your body grow heavier. “I asked Jungkook if things were rough before and he admitted that it was. Since then, it’s like little facts are showing up in my brain out of nowhere…like his admission unlocked some part of my memories or something…”

“Were you two just fighting a lot?” Subin asks.

You try to think about it. It’s not like you remember a specific argument but you know the answer is yes. “Yeah.”

“But you think he was having an affair with…” Misuk glances at Subin, “What was her name again?”

“Nabi.” You say. “But our problems were starting before that, I think. I know we were fighting all the time. I just know. I also know he was keeping things from me. He was barely home anymore and I felt…” You chew on your lips, unsure of what exactly it was since you don’t know everything. But one word keeps popping up in your mind. “Unfulfilled.” You say, the word somehow resonating with you like you’ve said it before.

“Yeah.” Misuk agrees quietly, “You mentioned something like that in the past…way before Haru’s kidnapping.”

“Misuk,” You suddenly find her eyes, “Why did I lead you to believe Jungkook was wronging me somehow?”

“You mentioned someone else.” She tells you, “But you didn’t give me any detail. But you were so…sureabout something and I believed you. Your expression.” Misuk frowns, “I knew something serious must have had occurred because I had never seen you like that.”

You glance back down at your lap, your focus on your hands again. “I see.” Then you lift your eyes again, “I remember that at that time I was suspicious of Jungkook. Of the affair. I know I dug deeper and found things that I wish I never had…” You recall the memories that hit you at the market. “Eventually I confronted him and just like now, he was unable to give me an explanation. And I was right.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Misuk huffs out, eyes going to the ceiling. “That’s terr—”

“—And he was with her. When Haru was taken. I don’t know how I know, but he was supposed to be picking Haru up from daycare. I don’t know why I wasn’t able to but I know that it was something I needed from him…something for him to do to make me feel like he was a part of this family. But he failed.” Your words grow quieter with each syllable. “And I know that for the first time in my life,” You stare at nothing, eyes growing watery. “That I hated someone. With my entire being.”

It's quiet. Neither of your friends having the courage to say anything to your words.

You try to clear your throat and blink back any tears in your eyes before looking at them again, “But still, so much doesn’t make sense and there’s so much still missing.” You feel your heart grow weaker as you chuckle humorlessly, “And Jungkook hasn’t tried to reach out to me even once…which just feels like more proof.”

“I can’t imagine Jungkook even looking at someone who isn’t you…” Subin whispers, “He…well, I guess we don’t ever really know what goes on. I find it hard to hate him but seeing what he’s done to—"

“—I know I truly hated him then.” You cut her off with a shaky voice. “And I think I hate him now, too. But,” You search both of your friends eyes with desperation so depressing, “If I hate him this much it’s because I also,” You choke, “Love him this much too, right?” You ask the question so innocently and delicately as your voice cracks.

You let yourself feel your own question and for the first time since a week ago—you cry. You let tears fall and you let your body break. “Because—Because I do. I love him so much that its hurting me. I…I can’t even b-breathe because I love him. I can’t—can’t sleep because I love him.” You shoulders shake as you sob loudly. Almost like a child. “I can’t remember my own child be—because I love him.” You slam your eyes shut, mouth hung open as you choke on your sobs. “My brain c-can’t show my memories because I love him. He’s—he’s the only thing my b-brain wants to think about.”

At a loss for words, Misuk and Subin feel their hearts breaking in their chests. This is more devastating than the first time. They realize, you were right, this is more miserable.

~~~

It’s been three weeks since Jungkook has seen you. Since he’s seen you, his light. The only thing in this entire world that could possibly make him feel alive. The only thing in the entire universe that could make his heart beat again. You’re the only one keeping him from going insane or ending his own life. He had always held onto the hope that one day this will be behind you guys.

And then he can touch you again, hold you again, openly love you again.

But mostly, for you to love him again.

His apartment is how it always is, TV blaring with the news on. The blueish light illuminates his entire living room and lately it has been his only source of light. You, his true source, no longer rising in his sky.

It’s around four in the afternoon when Jungkook’s phone starts going off, the vibrating making his coffee table buzz. He rubs his eyes with a fist before setting his nearly empty beer bottle down to the table and reaching for the device.

Jimin.

Jungkook rolls his eyes before answering, “I told you to leave me alone.” He slurs into the phone.

“Are you fucking drunk again?” Jimin doesn’t hide his disapproval. “Going to pull this shit again, Jungkook?”

“Fuck off, Jimin.” Jungkook brings the phone away from his face and ends the call.

Not even ten seconds pass before his phone is buzzing again in his hands. He groans loudly as he answers it again, “What the fuck do you—”

“—Just fucking listen, you moron.” Jimin cuts in, “I’m already risking everything by being in contact with you. And now you’re back to your old ways.” He scoffs, “If you fuck this up, I swear I’ll come to your shit apartment and kick your ass myself.”

Jungkook drunkenly chuckles into the phone, “You don’t have to help—”

“—Help you?” Jimin scoffs again, “I’m not doing this for you and you know it.”

“Whatever,” Jungkook grumbles while reaching for his beer again and taking a swig, “What do you want?”

“Lee Jaesung.” Jimin says.

Immediately Jungkook leans forward on his couch, something more serious falling over his face before he asks, “What about him?”

“Well, he was the only thing getting us closer to this shit.”

“Yeah?” Jungkook sets the beer down again, “Does he have new information?”

“He’s dead.” Jimin informs with a bite to his tone, “Guy was found in his apartment. Apparent suicide.”

Jungkook grits his teeth, “Fucking bullshit.”

“I know.” Jimin sighs, “You’ve been MIA and I need you to get your shit together if we’re going to—”

“—Count me out.” Jungkook slurs into the phone, “I’m done.”

Jimin is quiet for a moment before he’s chuckling into the phone, “You’re really back to this, huh? You’re sad, Jungkook. I told you years ago you were going to ruin your marriage. Didn’t I?”

Jungkook grips the edge of the couch cushion, eyes growing darker as he watches the bright TV screen. “Shut up.” He seethes, “Don’t bring up—”

“—You ruined your entire life you fucking drunk.” Jimin spits at him, “Fix your shit then call me.”

Jungkook keeps the phone to his ear despite the fact that Jimin has hung up. It slides down his cheek and eventually falls to the floor as he continues to stare at the bright screen of his TV. He is here again. And it’s not like he can’t not believe that he’s back to this because it never feels like he ever wasn’t like this. This is just who he is now. It’s the him that he knows. And when you woke up knowing the him he used to know…it almost felt like he could be that person again.

Having to tell you about Haru again…heartbreaking.

But having to see you experience that same betrayal and heartache…pure utter torture.

Jungkook drunkenly reaches for the TV remote and shuts it off, the room going completely dark. His closed blinds and heavy drapes block out the sun that isn’t you. He is in darkness because in his life there is no light.

Because you aren’t here anymore.

“Yes, well, believe it or not…” You sigh into your phone, small smile on your lips. “I’m actually getting out of the house today.”

“To eat a real meal?” Misuk asks knowingly.

“Kind of?” You laugh. “I’m in the mood for coffee but like, not from my coffee pot.”

Misuk tsks, “Fine. But at least buy a cookie or something too.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You tell her, “I found a cute café not too far away. Not a full menu place with servers like the one Subin likes—not that she even wants to go there anymore—but this place is like a little hole in the wall. Good reviews too.”

“I wish I could ditch work and join you.” She whines, “But I’ll have to stick to break room coffee.”

“Sounds horrible.”

“Oh, it is.” She laughs, “But okay. I hope you enjoy the café.”

“Me too,” At this point you hope you enjoy anything.

But the world is still dark.

And you’re hoping a nice outing with a good caffeinated drink could offer a little shining light in this complete darkness that consumes you. Even if it’s temporary.

“I’ll talk to you later, Misuk.” You say before you’re both hanging up.

You look ahead, eyes on the building in front of you. You didn’t tell Misuk you’re actually already here but too afraid to get out of your car and walk inside. You aren’t sure why you’re afraid. Maybe it’s because it’s your first real outing since memories started coming to you. Maybe you’re afraid the more places and people you see, it will trigger more to unlock.

And you’re afraid of more truths that you wish would stay hidden would reveal themselves.

It’s hard but you finally manage to get out of your car and force your legs to take you inside. But the moment you step inside and you’re greeted with the smell of coffee and baked good, you immediately relax.

It’s not a busy place at all. It’s small maybe the size of your living room and kitchen combined. Just a long counter with cookies, cakes and breads that smell delicious and an artsy menu board hanging on the back wall with a long list of drinks. And along one of the walls and all the windows is small, round tables with chairs.

You take a breath before walking to the counter and a girl with bright eyes greets you with a heartwarming grin. When you tell her you’ve never been, she happily gestures to the menu and begins telling you all her favorite drinks. And she claims you must try their chocolate cookies.

“Hm,” You weigh all your options, feeling tempted by the lavender tea she mentioned. “Okay yeah, I’ll get that.”

“And a cookie too?” She smiles.

You can’t help but chuckle, it’s as if Misuk told this girl to ask you that. “Sure, a cookie too.”

“Okay!”

After you pay, the girl motions towards a wall with a bookshelf, “Feel free to browse. I’ll have you order up soon and I’ll call for you.”

“Thanks.” You smile.

You decide to take her up on it, eyes browsing this bookshelf while your fingers brush against the spines. There’s some books you recognize and a ton that you don’t. You can tell which books are popular and which aren’t—the dust giving it away.

After several minutes of looking over book titles, the girl calls you over since your drink and cookie are ready. You excitedly go to the counter, hands reaching for the items and your nose is being blessed. You can tell this cookie is about to change your world.

“Thanks!” You say before excitedly and quickly turning around to find a table when you literally run into someone. This needs to stop happening to you. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if—

“Ah, Hot! Hot!” An unexpected voice yelps, “Hooooooooly shit, that’s hot!”

“Oh my god, I am so sorry.” You stare at a broad chest, a button up shirt completely soaked as you begin to panic. “Are you—Are you okay?”

The man in front of you starts airing his shirt out, trying his best for the hot liquid to not burn his chest, you’re sure. “Ooooooh,” He whistles out, “That hurts.”

“Oh my god…I’m…I am so so—”

“—No worries,” He starts laughing, still airing the shirt. “It kind of feels like that first moment when you get under a hot shower.”

You stare at his chest, completely panicked…he’s not going to press charges, right? Is that a thing? You could have seriously burned him! “Are you okay? Seriously—” You finally rip your eyes from his shirt to get a look at him.

“Seriously,” He laughs more, “I’m okay.”

You gaze at him, his smile is spread across his face while he looks down at his shirt now.

“Good thing I keep extra shirts at work.” He says before glancing back up and locking eyes with you. “No harm here.”

You feel guilt sink it. “Oh my god, I hope I didn’t ruin your shirt…will it stain?”

“You’re worried about this shirt?” He laughs loudly while his eyes crinkle cutely. “Wow, my mom would be so happy that at least someone cares about this thing. It was a Christmas present…and I’m pretty sure it was actually meant for my brother.”

You can’t help but snort, “Oh.”

“Literally only wearing it because I’m hoping something will happen to it and I can finally have a reason to throw it away.” He smiles, “And finally,” He looks up at the ceiling and pumps the air with his fists, “I can get rid of it!”

You watch him, unsure if he’s serious or just trying to make you feel better. But either way…it does make you feel better.

“Is it still hot?” You find yourself asking, eyes back on his wet chest.

“Nah,” He waves you off with a goofy grin, “Now it’s sort of just sticking to me uncomfortably and it’s cold now.”

“Oh.” You suddenly feel bad again.

“Which is great because the sun is unforgiving today, don’t you think? So hot.” He begins fanning himself, grin still on his face before he glances down to the package in one of your hands. “Is that a chocolate chip cookie? Those are the best here!”

You look down, “Oh…oh yeah. Um, it is.”

“You should probably eat it, maybe you’ll finally smile. They’re that good.” He winks at you, “Or if you drowning in guilt over here, you could always let me have a piece too and we can call this whole,” He motions between you both, “thing even.”

You stare at him for a moment, completely taken aback by his energy. He’s still smiling and it feels infectious, like you want to smile too.

And you do.

Though it is small and timid. You do.

In all this overwhelming darkness that has wrapped its arms around you, suffocating you in an unwanted embrace…all you really need right now in your life is some sort of light getting shed so you can finally see something besides your own despair.

You just need some light.

And little do you know that a bright, bright light is coming into your life.

And that light has a name.

And he goes by Kim Seokjin.

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moonlightazriel · 1 year

Text

Before you /// Azriel X F!Reader

Summary: “hiiii! I have a Az x mate reader request where the whole IC finds out that reader and Rhys used to like hookup casually but stopped before UTM, Az is like wtf bc of Mor and Cass ya know? sad and angsty with happy ending! sorry if it’s so specific lol”

Warnings: Some mentions of smut and some angst.

Word Count: 1,4K

Notes: Thank you so much for this request ❤️❤️ And a big shout out to @azrielhours for suggesting Grammarly, this made writing a lot easier now.

Main Masterlist

“We need to talk.” Y/N entered Rhysand’s office, she looked extremely distressed, her mental shields were high, a giant black wall blocking Rhys out, she would always let him have a look on her mind, he rose an eyebrow, confused.

“What’s wrong darling?” His voice was slow and sensual as he walked towards her, his big finger brushing her arm, making her shiver, he circulated her, his lips glued to the soft spot on her neck, the one he discovered a few years ago when they started their casual hook up.

“Azriel is my mate.” The words came out in a rush from her mouth, Rhysand stopped, his hands falling from her while he gave a few steps back, she was his brother’s mate, they couldn’t keep doing it anymore, and as much as he liked sleeping with her, the idea of Azriel finally founding the mate he always searched for made his heart fill with happiness. “And I want to get closer to him.”

Rhysand smiled, the biggest smile that has ever adorned the high lord’s face, he hugged Y/N, lifting her from the floor and spinning around while he laughed. She felt confused, she hoped that Rhys would understand, but never expected him to be this happy, his happiness almost matching hers since yesterday, when the bond snapped while she trained with Azriel.

It had been nothing special, just the usual training session in the House of Wind, and as they fought, their swords hitting each other at every blow she defended from him, everything changed, he looked at her, his features filled with challenge, challenging her to stop defending and to attack him, and as she looked at his intense gaze, she felt the thread that tethered them together for the rest of their lives, glowing and singing so beautifully that she lost her focus, giving him the chance to disarm her and point the sharp end of his sword directly at her throat.

“Does he know?” Rhys asked, the two sitting in front of his desk, he grabbed her hand, like they were two little girls talking about boys.

“Not yet, but he has the right to know, I’ll tell him. I hope that he’ll not be disappointed having me as his mate.” He squeezed her hands, reassuringly.

“He’s lucky to have you as a mate darling, I’m sure everything will work out just fine, I’m so happy for the both of you.” He pulled her in for a hug, and she smiled, feeling happy to have him with her at that moment.

“Are we still going to be friends?” She asked hesitantly.

“Always. No matter what.”

70 years later

The cold glass reached Azriel’s lips as he hid his laughter, Nesta scolding Cassian would always be funny to watch, he took a look around, everyone sitting one a circle while they drunkenly shared stories, Y/N head was resting on his shoulder, her soft giggle reached his ears every once in a while, Morrigan was finishing one of her stories when Cassian jumped from his sit, eyes wide open, the wine in his glass spilling everywhere as he opened his mouth.

“Do you guys remember when Y/N and Rhys used to hook up?” The entire room fell silent as his loud laughter was the only sound in the room, of course, Azriel didn’t remember, he didn’t know this even happened in the first place. He felt Y/N holding her breath while she locked eyes with Rhysand.

“That’s not true, right?” His voice sounded weird even for him, both his brother and mate looked at him, Y/N flinched as she saw how cold his eyes were, filled with pain and betrayal, they knew how much he had suffered because of Cassian and Mor sleeping together and they choose to do the same behind his back.

“Brother, it’s not what you’re thinking.” He scoffed, already getting up, ready to leave, his eyes landed on Feyre, who was also surprised but didn’t seem as hurt as he was, his mind filling with images of the two together, and the thought that Rhysand knew his mate’s body very well, everything that made her whimper and moans, he must even know about the spot on her neck that can easily get her on her knees.

He turned around, rushing to walk away, ignoring Y/N's pleads for him to stay, he shut her down completely, closing his end of the bond as he marched outside, aiming for the sky, his wings flapping behind his back as he flew away, the tears filling his eyes as he tried to clear his mind.

Cassian had sobered up as soon as he saw what he had done, Y/N was now sitting on the couch, being held by Nesta as she sobbed, Rhys and Feyre had disappeared for a while, probably so he could explain the situation.

“I can talk to Azriel if you want.” Cass scratched his head, unsure of what to do.

“I guess you already did enough for today Cassian.” Nesta snapped at her mate.

“It’s not his fault Nes, we should’ve told him a long time ago.” Y/N spoke, her voice creaking as she cried again, what if Azriel never forgave her, what if he decided to reject the bond, what if he left? She needed to talk to him, she needed to explain to him, she got up suddenly, rushing towards the door, she needed to go home and wait for him.

She waited, for hours, unable to sleep, she would wait the whole week if she had to. She was a mess, her cheeks had makeup stains and her face was swollen from all the crying, that’s why she decided to shower, she took her time cleaning up, and as she was leaving the bathroom she heard the front door being open, rushing to the living room, Azriel was removing his boots, his face red from crying too, her heart breaking at the sight.

“Oh great, you’re here.” He said, his voice laced with sarcasm, she flinched, but she wasn’t going to give up.

“Of course, I’m here, we need to talk.”

“Can’t wait for you to tell me in detail how you betrayed me with my brother.” He sat on the couch, his hands running along his hair as he sighed, annoyed, but at least she would have the chance to talk.

“I wasn’t cheating on you or anything.” Her voice shaking as she knelled in front of him, resting her palms on his legs. “It was years ago, it started as a drunk kiss and then evolved into something more, there were never feelings involved, we would do it mostly when both of us were stressed or bored, but I had to stop it.”

“If it was so good fucking him, why did you stop?” The sarcasm was gone, his voice sounded sad, and defeated, she squeezed his tights.

“Because of you!” He looked her in the eyes, she was being honest, he could feel it deep In his chest, he opened the bond, feeling all of her emotions as she talked. “The bond had snapped for me, in the very next day I went to talk to him, I wanted to be with you, I was already falling in love with you, I was planning on telling you about the bond, so I ended everything, nothing has ever happened between us ever since, were friends and nothing more. I love you Azriel, and only you.”

“Why’d you never tell me?”

“I don’t know, I guess I was trying to prevent this from happening.” She smiled sadly at him. “I know it wasn’t the smartest idea, but I couldn’t hurt you Az, I’m so sorry.” He leaned forward, grabbing one of her hands and forcing her to get up only to pull her to his lap, he hugged her and she felt the tears streaming down her face again.

“Please, don’t do this anymore, whatever you need to tell me, do it. It’s better than finding out from Cassian’s drunk mouth.” His thumb caressed her cheek, wiping away the tears as he kissed her forehead.

“I promise I’ll never do something like this again.” His chest filled with her love while he kissed her, he could taste the salty tears on her lips. “I guess it’s a good time to tell you something.” Azriel rose an eyebrow, scared of what she might say. “ All those years ago, you only disarmed me and won the sparring because the bond snapped and I was distracted.” Azriel laughed, his chest vibrating as he shook his head.

“I don’t need a mating bond distracting you to beat your ass.” he teased and she giggled.

“That’s what we’ll see spymaster.”

#azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #azriel #acotar #shadowsinger #sarahjmaas #velaris #night court #azriel x y/n #a court of thorns and roses #acomaf #moonlightazriel

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tojisrealwifey · 26 days

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ok, first things first: that work of art you call your mind has made me feel things I didn't know I was capable of feeling. saying im invested in the crybaby series is an understatement. im counting the seconds for you to bless my lovesick mind with (hopefully) a cathartic chapter.

next, I wanna know the inspiration behind the series. did you hear a song or maybe watch a scene that spurred on this beautifully painful heartbreak?

lastly, I just wanna say, as a fellow writer, the angst is immaculate. I struggle in that department because I believe angst needs a hint of romance in order for it to work, but you, you, my dearest, you do it flawlessly.

I love you and everything you do. 🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾

FIRST. i love you.

i'm glad to know that my fic has made you feel such things. i was under the belief that that part of my talent had been lost, but i'm glad it's working again hehe.

i hope this story continues to sate your lovesick mind because by some miracle it has managed to do so for me 😘

to answer you question, there were a lot of different inspirations that led to them accumulating into this series.

for instance, there is a song that has a huge hand in this concept, which is glimpse of us.

it was a song that made me cry the moment the music started despite its lack of relatability to me.

there was something so sad about the fact that this person couldn't help but be reminded of his previous lover while he was with his current lover.

and to add to my angsty nightly 3 AM crying sessions, i would put myself in the place of the woman who's being compared to an ex (i'm delusional and i like to cry) because in my mind, being in her position is much more depressing.

when i started this series, it wasn't a series at all at first. it was going to be a one-shot of sorts with multiple characters, like those:

"JJK men when they first find out you're pregnant"

type fics.

the one i had in mind when i began was "things JJK men do that unknowingly hurt you" yeah, something along those lines. i got this idea when i thought of toji staring at another woman at a festival (which is how the story starts) but then i couldn't help but add more as i kept writing.

like adding that the woman looked like his ex-wife, and that he might be attached to her in a way still.

originally it was just like he was watching her cause she was another target for his job blah blah blah.

then my brain happened and wanted to make it sadder.

i'm actually so shocked to know you like the angst cause the ones i used to write before would like not be sad at all. i myself have trouble understanding if what i've written is a tearjerker or not, so i'm happy to know my work is improving, even just by a bit.

this truly made my entire month! muahh i love you so much!!

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allineedisonedream · 4 months

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omg i stumbled across your blog recently and your art is gorgeous!!! i love the style and the way you draw dick in particular so much!

also i couldn’t stop thinking about your tangled au it’s so clever! it got me thinking of an au of your au (if that’s presumptuous or annoying feel free to ignore this ask lol). but it always bugged me slightly in the original tangled that rapunzel could remember stuff from when she was a baby bc babies can’t do that lol (obv she also has magic glowing hair so suspension of disbelief and all). but what if dick was actually older when slade (or court of owls tbh take your pick) kidnapped him? like he came under bruce’s care just like in canon after his parents died, and was around long enough to become brothers with jason, and tim had just been adopted when dick and bruce have a fight and dick storms off. not as bad as comics and bruce doesn’t kick him out bc he’s not an ass lol, but maybe dick wants to do more with his powers and bruce is overprotective, so dick storms out fully intending to come back, but slade has been watching him and takes this chance to kidnap him. and when bruce goes looking for him all he finds is a bloodstain and no dick.

and obviously dick is very keen on escaping the creepy dude who’s kidnapped him, but slade brings him to the basement of the tower and begins to torture/brainwash him sort of like the apprentice arc. and over time bc slade sucks and is good at the whole brainwashing thing, dick slowly looses his memories and eventually can’t remember a life outside of the tower at all. and he continues to grow up in the tower with slade as his “father” and he always has this sense that something isn’t quite right, but he can’t put his finger on it. like he has all these weird torture-like scars that he can’t remember getting, but slade tells him that it was from when he was young and before slade rescued him, and that’s why the world is so scary and dangerous and he has to stay in the tower where slade can protect him. and ofc he does bc slade loves him and wouldn’t lie to him right? and he doesn’t know why the name richard doesn’t fit him quite right, or why his heart races when slade appears unexpectedly (that’s how love works right?). but he stays in the tower like he’s supposed to until wally and roy show up.

and slowly after traveling with them he begins to get weird flashes of both painful and good memories, and strange sensations of deja vue. while meanwhile bruce is still all brooding and mourning bc it was his fight that led dick to run away. and added angst is that jason and tim actually remember and miss dick, even though tim had just started to get to know him. and damian is angsty bc he’s the only one never to have met dick (handwavy on the ages just like dc lol). meanwhile the kingdom still remembers and mourns the charismatic adorable prince that they lost.

and then when slade eventually catches up to and captures wally and roy, dick offers to give himself up and promises never to escape if slade spares them. and it’s extra sad bc he finally remembers what he’d be giving up. he remembers bruce and alfred and his brothers, and he remembers all the trauma slade put him through, and he’s willing to go through it all again to save wally and roy (bc is it really dick grayson if he isn’t super self sacrificing lol). and ofc it eventually ends happily and dick is delighted to go back to his family with his new friends and see his old brothers and meet his new brother all with a new haircut.

but yeah overall your au wormed its way into my brain and i couldn’t stop thinking about it lol, it’s so good!!!!

Ahjajfk thank youuuu<3

And OMG, this is amazing! Beautifully written, yes, absolutely love all the details, especially Slade's and Dick's relationship in all this. I've actually thought about him being taken later on so Tim and Jason would also remember Dick. But I think I started overthinking everything and made it way too complicated (I think I wrote about 20 pages of notes and stuff, I kinda got lost in them. I was/am pretty obsessed with this AU), so I just reeled back a bit and stayed close to the plot. It also simplifies things; I don’t have to rewrite the whole story, which, with my overthinking skills, would take forever. 💀

And that part with Slade making Dick forget who he was is great. I kept the whole AU pretty open with some stuff for imagination. My running idea at the moment is that he got sick when he was 8, so Bruce found the flower, and later Slade kidnapped him, making him forget everything and thinking Slade is his father.

But yeah, OMG, this is awesome. I totally love it. I tried to make it as detailed as possible story-wise, but at the same time, I really needed to limit myself to finish fast because I was scared I would lose interest or don’t have the patience haha But Now I’m kinda even more excited about how people will react to the next chapters. 👀

#ask me anything #tangeld dc au

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anemptypuddingcup · 1 year

Text

Incubus Trafalgar Law. (Slight angsty yet fluffy sex)

An Incubus Trafalgar wants to make sure his baby girl is okay with feeding him even if it’s taking off years of her life.

“Are you sure I can do this ________-Ya? Aren’t you aware of what’ll happen to you if you help me again..?”

Beautifully tatted hands held your hips softly while he looks up at you with a worrisome expression. Going over the warnings multiple times couldn’t change your mind regardless of he said death could happen afterwards. “The worst I can do is kill you. Please ________-Ya, I don’t want you to die from my cause.” He says, begging you to change your mind before it was too late. A soft and warm smile meets his eyes and he sighs out of annoyance laced with sadness due to your ignorance. “I haven’t died yet Traffy…I’m sure I have a few more times before I’m down.” You say nonchalantly before turning away from him. Law grips your chin and turns your head to look at him, his deep dark glare piercing into your soul.

“________-Ya I’m serious, I don’t want your ass dying because of my hunger. You’ve fed me enough already it’s time for me and you to move on.” He says angrily. You glare back at him before giving him a loving kiss. He’s taken back by your kiss as he melts into your lips, moving his arms from your face to your sides. You pull back and sigh happily yet weakly, signaling how drained of energy you were. “I don’t want to let you go though Law…” You say softly before pressing another kiss to his lips. Law looks at you worriedly and sighs before hugging you tightly. “Please…Don’t die on me…________-Ya…” He says before moving his hands down to your hips. You smile before pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I won’t Law…I promise I won’t.” You reassure him.

Law presses a kiss to your lips again before he begins to remove your panties slowly from your legs. “So pretty…” He whispers as he moves over to your bra. You blush deeply as he unclasps and removes your bra perfectly. Your breasts spill out and he cups them delicately in his hands before moving his hands down lower. He pulls your body farther into his lap, moving your hips back and forth as your slit slid against his hardened cock. “You feel so good ________-Ya, you’re wet already…” He says as he presses kisses against your breasts. You wrap your arms around his neck and pepper kisses against his face before he lifts your hips. “You sure you’re ready…?” He asks one last time. You nod before answering him. “I’m positive, Trafalgar.” You say softly. Giving him the permission, he slowly lowers you onto his length while you let out a slightly pained moan. Law stops immediately after hearing your moan but you assure him to keep going.

He slowly pulls you farther into his cock while you moan from the painful stretch before he fully bottoms out inside of you. “Are you alright? Did it hurt more this time?-“ He asks worried that he’s hurt you. You shook your head and reassure him. “No no, it’s okay. It didn’t hurt as bad this time…” You sigh before wrapping your arms around his torso. He sighs before he began to move your hips up and down against him. A moan leaves you as he ruts up into you, making sure not to go too fast unless you say so. “T-Traffy~ F-Fuck~” You moaned out as the tip of his cock hits your g-spot. Law smiles as he presses kisses against your neck, soothing you while pleasuring you. Your walls tighten around him, making him groan as you press your lips against his.

Pleasure floods your body as Law opens your legs a little wider to get a deeper and better angle. “So good, you feel so good~” Law whines before he lays your body down softly onto the mattress. “You feel good too Traffy~” You moan weakly, alerting Law. Law stops, not wanting you to get too weak. “Keep going, m’gonna be okay Traffy…” You whisper as your hold on to his body tightly. His hips hesitates but he continues, planting a loving kiss onto your lips. “Don’t pass out on me…please don’t pass out on me…” Law begs before a moan slips out. You moan softly as Law hits your g-spot once again, making you tighten around him. Law’s tail flutters as he fucks you deeper but not faster. “Faster Traffy~” You moaned, wanting a bit more friction. Law nods and holds your hand tightly as he moves his hips faster into yours. “D-Does it feel good? Are you okay ________-Ya?” Law asks, trying to get a good response out of you. Your eyes rolls back as Law repeatedly thrusts into you, hitting your sweet spot repeatedly. “Y-Yeah~ I-It feels so g-good!~” You whined as he continued to rut into you.

“Hah~ ________~” Law groans as he feels himself growing closer to his orgasm. You feel yourself growing weaker by the minute though Law keeps your intact and conscious as he picks up the speed of his movements. “L-Law~ I-I feel it coming~ I feel it coming~” You whined as you wrap your arms tightly around him. Law breathes heavily while beads of sweat feel from his body to yours. “Hah~ F-Fucking hell~” Law moans as he holds your body tightly. “T-Traffy~” You say weakly, your grip around him slowly slipping. Law’s hand tightens even more around yours. “Hold on~ We’re almost t-there~” Law moans shakily before pressing kisses to your neck. “M-M’gonna cum Traffy~ M-M’gonna-“ You mewl as you feel your cunt beginning to flutter around his cock. Law shivers against your body while slowly curling his tail around your thigh tightly. “Love you~ _-________!~” He moans as he feels beginning to cum. He lets out a low groan as he keeps his hips against yours while you cream all over his cock happily.

A weak breath leaves you while Law shakes you to keep you conscious. “Wait ________-Ya- OI!” He says, smacking your face lightly while breathing heavily. You whimper lightly as your eyelids fluttered, struggling to keep yourself up and awake. Law quickly yet swiftly pulls out of you and holds your body so lovingly and tight. He presses another kiss to your lips and sighs, now full yet guilty from feeding off you once again. “Are you okay…?” He asked, a bit of worry and sadness leaking from him. “Yes, yes I’m alright Law…” You breathed weakly. He sighs and presses another kiss to your lips before settling on cuddling with you for the rest of the night. “You have to stay up, just for a little while longer ________-Ya.” Law says, flicking your ear every time you dozed off.

You whimpered annoyingly but nodded, understanding why he wants you to stay up. “Are you full Traffy..?” You asked softly, your question making him perk up. “Yeah, yes you’ve fed me well. It’ll be a long time before you can again okay..?” He says looking to you. You giggle lightly, happy to know that he’s good for the time being. Law pouts at you and huffs in annoyance. “As much as I don’t want you to…stubborn ass woman.” He scolds you before peppering a kiss onto your head. Your grip tightens around his hand, both your fingers still intertwined with each other’s.

“You know I don’t have much time left…right Trafalgar..?” You say, very saddened by the stone cold truth. Law could only look at you and sigh out of sadness. “Yeah…I do know that…knowing that I’ll end up killing you…I’d kill myself right after.” He says, his tone a bit dark and cold. You could only give him a frown as you placed your hand onto his face softly. “Don’t be ashamed of your existence Law. It’s what you were born as…you can’t help it.” You say, giving him a little smile. Law could only nod at your words, knowing that they were nothing but the truth. “But still…I want it to last…why can’t you just…live longer…?” He sighs, nuzzling into your neck.

“Everyone dies at some point baby…Everyone and everything…” You sigh as you yawn. “Don’t fall asleep on me ________-Ya…” He demands, holding your tighter. “M’not m’not..” You sighed before pressing a kiss to his temple. He huffs and lies his head against your breasts while staring up at you. “I love you…” He whispers, his hands softly caressing your sides. You smile and kiss him once again.

“I love you too Trafalgar..” You whisper back to him.

-just so y’all know, Reader wakes up perfectly fine the next morning!~

#one piece #one piece smut #one piece fluff #op smut #op fluff #one piece x female reader #trafalgardwaterlaw #trafalgar one piece #op trafalgar law #trafalgar law smut #trafalgar law #law trafalgar #trafalgar d law x reader #puddingcupfics #incubustraffy

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blush-and-books · 3 days

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omg if u have time can i get some darvey fic recs plz 🤓

RAHHHH YES OFC!!!! you have likely read these already but here goes, I tried to give some variety and didn't include ones I know you've already recced to me LOL. Also I am still drafting an answer to your previous ask. I want it to be worth the wait💞💞

Worthy by justanotheranonymouswriter on ao3

It's the ultimate au where Harvey ends up going to prison instead of Mike, and it truly has some of the most touching and genuine and romantic descriptions of Donna and Harvey's relationship that I've ever seen.

a series of fortunate events by evialivea on ao3

OOOH BITCH. literally heaven. just fluff and earnest relationship building. inspired something im writing rn, but this is totally my shit because it is just a piece about Harvey making the effort to consciously show Donna he's ready. Set during early season 8, which is PRIME darvey time.

Notes in the Margins by abvj on ao3

My first favorite darvey fic. Literally just so real and acts of service for days!!! It's Donna and Harvey at their best - by each other's side with unflinching loyalty and no demands to be anything more than they already are, which is partners.

Double Date by Pegtastic on ao3

Okay this one just cracked me the fuck up. I read it THIS MORNING at like five am before going to work and it just started my day off with some silliness and a little healthy secondhand embarrassment. It's the Paula/Harvey/Donna/Thomas overlap and consequent throwdown that we all wanted just a little.

you still look like a movie, you still sound like a song by hellcsweetie on ao3

This fic is in angst JAIL but it's still so beautiful. I've been learning that these angsty AUs are sometimes worthwhile even despite the temporary pain because I love getting to watch Donna and Harvey re-fall in love, and this author just does it beautifully. Gets bonus points because I ADORE the Adele song that the title lyric is from.

All love to you and to these authors. I hope you're having a beautiful day!!💞💞💞

#chloes answers #darvey #darvey fanfiction #darvey fanfic #suits fanfic #suits tv #donna paulsen #harvey specter #fanfiction asks

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ficnoire2 · 17 days

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A Little Legendborn/Bloodmarked

Top 10 Selwyn Kane Moments

Happy Gemini Season! What better time to reflect on my favorite chaotic, angsty, and delightfully poetic Cambion. Sel has given us so many moments that either made us want to ask “Who the F@$K you talking to?”, want to give him an all encompassing full bodied squeeze, or left our jaws on the floor at his assholery or reverent sweetness. Whatever the case, Selly knows how to make an entrance and leave an impression. There are so many Selwyn Kane moments that live rent free while hiking up the thermostat in my mind, but here are my top 10. Hope you enjoy!

10. Weirdo in The Woods

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. A wry voice from behind startles me and sends a few birds, hidden in the canopy above, squawking into the sky. I hadn’t seen anyone approach through the underbrush, but a tall, dark-haired boy leans casually against the tree as if he’d been there the whole time; arms over his chest and black combat boots crossed at the ankles.”

When I read this scene, I could not believe the level of nerve and confidence this dude had. The lurking in the darkness was creepy as hell and then he upped the ante by putting his pale paws on Bree! I thought “Why the fuck is he touching her!?” I had to reread to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Not only did he have a smart ass, arrogant vibe, but getting handsy to boot? We would have been rolling around in the woods… and I don’t mean the fun way.

9. Dripping Wet at The Door

“Half a second after that I’m struck thoughtless-because Sel flings the door open wearing nothing but a deeply annoyed expression and a pair of low-slung jeans. I can’t help but follow the banded muscles from his abdomen to his chest. Intricate black and gray tattoos encircle his arms, cover his shoulders, and connect in a Celtic knot on his breastbone.”

This delightful turning point had me squealing with antici…pation. Tracy’s got some nerve really. I remember being this age, and having an angsty, beautiful, asshole fling open the door half naked would have been a problem. This was the point where Sel begins to soften for Bree. The point where the two of them set off on a journey of personal discovery and develop a deeply intimate bond. They share a moment of realization about their mothers and how parallel that loss runs, about Nick, and about their own relationship. I loved this moment so much because their masks begin to slip ever so slightly. Bree being able to recognize the grief in Sel that she had become accustomed to, was beautifully written. It gave us a bit of depth into his inner chaos and the pain that drives him.

8. The Gala/Kneel

“He admires my hair, taking in the size and shape of it, then his eyes follow the line of my temple to my borrowed earrings, down my neck and shoulders. ‘You look stunning this evening Briana, it’s the truth,’ he says with a shrug. ‘You do. Even Though you’re distraught’.”

“I’m not distraught.”

“He leans down so close that his lips brush against my ear when he whispers, ‘Liar’.”

This moment was so delicious. First, the way Sel takes her into his senses is divine. His attention to detail in everything he does, whether in his detective work or being a silver-tongued devil, encompasses a space. The act of admiring Bree’s appearance, covering every inch of her face and hair was top notch adoration. The two of them dancing at the gala was playful and intimate. I mean, telling someone you can smell their magic is…next level. Bree was tuned into his very essence and he responded in kind, whispering LIAR in her ear as his lips brushed the delicate flesh, splaying his hands across her back knowing the heat from them radiated through her gown. Admiring all that she was becoming to him. Not to mention turning her around to face Nick while holding her at the hips, and whispering in her ear as he stewed across the room. It wouldn’t be right if he didn’t put a little Selly in it.

“I fight against Arthur’s will, but he will not yield-not on this. He demands obeisance. Homage. And deference. Especially after Davis’ public betrayal. Thankfully, no one moves. Then someone does."

"No," I whisper, because I don’t want to hear it. But when Sel speaks, his voice is strong and clear.

"Y llinach yw’r ddeddf."

"The Line is Law.”

In the Ogof we get another glimpse of what makes Sel tick. The fact that he is so married to the idea of honor and procedure (to a fault) shines in these moments because of what he is constantly willing to do to show his care for Bree. It is telling when he witnesses Bree pull Excalibur and he falls right in step with his duty to his King. When he is the one to kneel and speak before her, it is because of duty and procedure yes, but his devotion for her leaps off the page.

7. Mother

“Suddenly, Sel is on his feet. He paces to the end of the room, the back of his hand pressed hard against his mouth like doesn’t trust what could come out of himself. It takes everything in me to stay seated when he kicks his closet door and the wood splinters into a boot shaped hole.”

On the heels of coming to the door half naked, we begin to see some of Sel’s inner turmoil made real. Unpacking this a bit, we know Sel has been lied to and we are watching in real time how it hits him. He is dutiful, procedural, and used to being in control in some respect. He seems to enjoy the fact that he is needed, deep down, he wants to be wanted, not out of duty, but out of sheer enjoyment of his company, his being. This revelation about his mother causes his mask to slip. The hard exterior cracks enough that Bree is able to seep into the jagged edges, and he lets her, if only briefly. This was such a revealing moment because it is one of many instances that they see not only each other, but also themselves mirrored in one another.

6. Cariad

“I feel Sel’s attention on my cheeks-and wonder when the sparks in his eyes had become a comforting heat…’You are my king now, cariad.’ His voice carries all the intimacy of a caress and his eyes are a melted gold. I turn away, overwhelmed at the meaning in both.”

I don’t know why I didn’t have sense enough to Google what cariad meant at the time I first read Legendborn. Perhaps it was because Tracy blew my wig back with the story of Briana Irene, that I needed a moment to collect my thoughts. This was the point in the story that Selwyn vocalized his feelings for Bree. It was another peak at the vulnerability he would ever so slightly let come out to play. And because our Selwyn is precise, his intent (in my opinion) was also. He has studied Bree, yet she still mystifies him, challenges him. Calling her cariad, however, was laced with a bit of challenge in and of itself. He knows she is determined and inquisitive and if she really wanted to know she would do what needed to be done to find out. We also get that at that moment she was not ready to know, despite her curiosity. It was just enough of a breadcrumb for her to follow, if SHE chose to. Also, his sense of duty and willingness to accept her as King even when the order so readily wanted her gone when she did not serve their purpose or fit their shitty standards. It was such a sweet, quiet moment after all they had been through that left us hanging onto that balcony for dear life.

5. The Not So Safe, Safe House Bathroom

“Can I tell you a secret, Briana?” His voice slips into the sliver of air between us, silk and heat. “ I like hearing the way people respond to me. A pause. You in particular.”

“It’s involuntary.”

“Oh, I know.” His mouth quirks…..Sel’s amusement skips across my cheeks. “See something you like?”

First of all, telling someone, ANYONE, that you like hearing the way people respond to you is full on iconic, sex demon realness. Excuse me, sir? You just walk around doing shit to tie folks up in flustered knots? Kick your combat booted feet up and watch your handiwork? And you like it? My kind of fun! The way Joniece Abbott Pratt (she voices our favesl in the books) reads this scene is so deliciously spicy and devilish. She put an extra bit of Sazon on it. It was the closeness for me. He knew what he was doing (aside from mesmering Bree to oblivion) , caging her between his arms and enveloping her in full on Cambion heat. It is almost as if the tease is more fun. Taking off his shirt to pull her in. Catching her gaze in the mirror. Acting like he can’t put tape on his wounds (because of course a dude who can forge shit out of thin air can’t operate tape!), telling her he likes how her body is responding, asking her if she sees something she likes! Bree has the resolve of a bug that hangs onto your windshield while you are doing 90 on the freeway.

4. Sel’s Birthday Surprise (Cariad Part Two)

“Okay. All right. His voice is low and soothing. He takes a slow step closer with an outreached hand, as if waiting for me to bolt. “This isn’t an interrogation. I am sorry. It is your birthday. And I had questions…but I don’t want you to leave.” His fingers wrap around mine, and he rubs a slow circle across my palm with his thumb."

I nod. “Okay.”

“Let’s keep this simple?” He smiles softly. “Tell me what you learned about cariad?”

Talk about a full circle moment. For damn near two books, this man has been stewing about cariad and why Bree had not mentioned it again. After being attacked by Jonas, and Bree begins to speak a bit of Welsh to William, I could almost envision Sel saying “Yeah, you over here practicing with William, but what about that cariad shit though?” Ok, I know he wouldn’t have said it that way, but sometimes I read with my own voice in my head. First of all, the planning. The fact that he discovered a hidden gem in the woods with fireflies no less, and decided to make it a present (not a gift) to honor Bree’s birthday was delightful. Plus being in the woods seems to be his happy place. It was full circle in more ways than one because when we meet Sel (in the woods yet again) he is the epitome of ASSHOLE. This scene showed us how far the two of them had come and let us see that he truly values how Bree sees him and how much he wants her to have joy. It seems like everytime these two are in the woods they have some sort of revelation. The way he teases kisses on each cheek, then her forehead (third eye) showed us that he was done hiding and wanted her to fully understand the depth of his feelings. And when she takes the kiss she wants, he responds in kind letting himself have the wish he has been denying himself by Merlin twirling her into the tree bark and KISSING HER DOWN! Then, not only does he stop himself, but stops to watch the effect he is having on her, while telling her he likes it. Damn you Selwyn Kane!

3. Sharing Root With Bree/Most Gifted Merlin in a Generation

“Sel gasps, head thrown back as my aether climbs up his forearms, spiraling around his elbows. For a moment, it feels like I’m wrapped around him. His eyes snap open, and then he’s on his feet, bringing his hands together so the flames spread faster. FWOOOM! We explode together.”

I was shouting in my car listening to this scene. Sel had been manacled by Erebus (to Valec’s amusement). I remember thinking “Ain’t no way they are going out like this!” This was an edge of your seat, shout at the screen, moment. The way he was in sync with Bree and knew exactly what to do when she shared her root was the boost I needed in that moment. Sel was back like he never left! Hair all shiny and shit! The unspoken communication, the desperation in his eyes when he thought it wasn’t working was equal parts nerve wracking and rage inducing. Plus, the whole scene was infused with a hint of sexy Cambion tension. That last line is a double entendre if you ask me. What better way to explode together than to blow Erebus’ ass back into the opportunistic shadows from whence he came?

“I’m not gonna….”

“Yes, you are!” The muscles work in his jaw. His eyes shine-he blinks it away. “You are. You just have to hold on a little longer, Bree. For me–” His eyes are fixed on my side, a strained grimace on his face. His hands hover an inch above my flesh. Aether shimmers in the space between my body and his palms in a thin layer.”

“Don’t move,” he grits out.”

“What are you…”

“I’ve got you. Stay with me.”

“The floating dullness claims me again, but Sel’s magic is there on the edges, keeping the darkness at bay.”

“Stay with me, Bree.”

On the coattails of the high I felt when Sel and Bree took Erebus out of the game (if only temporarily), was the accompaniment of Sel holding Bree together for three hours when she was nearly killed by demons in the woods. I tell you, Tracy knows how to make you feel the discomfort and pain of constant loss. No sooner than I cheered for the two of them, before I knew it I was biting my nails again. The terror he feels here is palpable. Nick has just run away from both of them. He has just done the seemingly impossible and made a root bomb (untrained move) with Bree to stave off Erebus. Now he is at the threshold of loss yet again. I can’t imagine having all of that occur in the span of 30 minutes. Not only that, he creates tiny aether constructs to serve as medical aid for Bree not knowing how long he can maintain it while pushing down the hurt and fear. Even Valec thought she was not savable. Thought only to be able to use his aether for violence, it was beautiful to see Sel use his aether to sustain life. It really hints at how special his abilities are and how much about himself outside of the order’s grip he doesn’t know. When he says, “I’ve got you” and “Stay with me,” I had to step away from the book for a hot lil minute.

2. No Other Merlin

“No other Merlin can protect you like I can, because no other Merlin feels about you the way I do. I want you to live, because I want you to be happy. Not because of a spell, but because so very many things would break and go dark if you weren’t in the world. Myself included.”

Can we talk about how down bad Selly is here? Like, the boy is threw! I say “Gah damn!” everytime I read and/or listen to these words. He let her know, “Ain’t nobody got you like I got you!” Something about the most powerful and gifted Merlin of his generation saying he would break and go dark if Bree was not in the world. Sheesh! It’s the kind of soul-bearing that makes you sit up straight. Have you rethinking your whole approach to life. That is a far cry from questioning how she managed to keep ending up in his path. A far cry from trying to wipe her off the face of the earth! I love this scene because at this point we are seeing the power and effect of experiencing softness, love, care. Being touched and him letting the wave of vulnerability settle in. The willingness to lay himself bare in front of her despite his many fuck ups. He told her, I want you to be happy even if I am not the one, just as long as you are here. Tracy certainly wrote him hella mannish! But in all seriousness, this was a bar. Had that man pouring out his soul in the middle of the woods.

1. Worth This and More

“Merlin crawls on hands and knees. ‘Just know Briana Matthews,’ he says, ‘That you are worth this and more.’ Without a second’s hesitation, he pulls me close enough that we nearly kiss-and inhales my power into his body. Devours it whole.”

This scene hit me right in the gut for so many reasons. It was the culmination of all that Selwyn had learned, endured, and sacrificed…for Bree. Despite how much he had risked throughout Bloodmarked, he was still ready and willing to risk even more for her. Pure veneration and sacrifice just for her. In the Ogof, he kneeled to Bree and here he crawls to her, spent, and wants her to know that even at this moment he would do it again without question. The poetry in how he approaches her. The juxtaposition of kissing her in the woods and losing himself to that moment (even though briefly), giving in to that bit of euphoria and vulnerability, to losing himself as we know him totally, by devouring her root. Because he knew the cost of that act and did it anyway, nearly did me in! Tracy wrote the hell out of that and it is one of the chapters I have a hard time going back to. Something about reaching a point of seemingly no return and pushing forward against all odds because you love the person before you so deeply.

No other Merlin indeed.

What’d you think? I think I kicked Gemini season off right! What are your favorite Selwyn Kane moments? What lives rent free in your head? I am so excited that there are two more books to look forward to. For me, those are more opportunities to talk my shit!

Also, in case you missed it, here are my Top 10 Briana Matthews Moments

Happy Gemini Season Y'all!!!!

#bloodmarked #tracy deonn #the legendborn cycle #selwyn kane

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