#its all about finding the balance in both im going to become so EMOTIONAL in this chillis

[fishgirl514]

sonic prime s3 rewrite:

im going to try to fix a bunch of things i was unsatisfied with from the end of the story.

such as the whole “work together” lesson that sonic learned somewhere in the last 6 episodes really vaguely. also im going to fix sonic and shadow’s vague friendship arc. i might also take a crack at fixing knuckles the dread’s conclusion bc he was the most interesting variant lets be honest and he was nearly forgotten. maybe in another post. this is future me talking i spent hours writing this.

im also going to make the “we’re back home” ending WAY longer and actually have there be an emotional resolution for the #notgay “brothers”

and the most egregious sin (imo) of season 3 was the fact that all the worlds just. stayed. and that was it. huh????????

THIS WILL BE LONG AND MIGHT BE ASS IN YOUR OPINION LOL ITS CHILL. IM NOT A SEASONED DAY 1 FAN WHOSE READ EVERY COMIC AND PLAYED EVERY GAME AND KNOWS THESE CHARACTERS BETTER THAN THE WRITERS OR ANYTHING IM JUST HAVING FUN AND SHARING WHAT I THINK WOULD HAVE MADE MORE SENSE

THE SHARDS:

ok first, we have to go back in time a little bit. i think each shard should have been the heart of its respective world instead of just the random place it happened to be sitting in. the shards create the world around them, and whoever holds the shard of a world basically controls reality for that world. the shards are always originally centered on the palm tree of their world (the chaos council found their tree and stole the shard, this is why the tree is so important to the resistance, they need to return it to restore balance. NO ONE IS MEANT TO WEILD THE SHARDS, IT ONLY BRINGS CHAOS. THIS IS A CENTRAL THEME.) when a shard is removed from its world, the world begins to slowly collapse on itself. the more shards are taken the more the WHOLE shatterverse starts to become unstable. THIS is why the shatterverse begins to decay, not just because there was “too many portals” or whatever.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: when the paradox prism is fully recreated and brought back to its place in ghost hill, green hill will be restored and the shatterverse will cease to exist. it was created by the shards being split, bringing them back together brings the world back together into one.

sonic does not realize this at first. he finds out the shards are in different worlds and starts trying to find them all to put them back together, saying he needs to recreate his world, not thinking about the logical consequence for the shatter spaces. nine hears this and thinks he could create his OWN world wherever he wants using the power of the prism. he is wrong. (find out why later)

SHADOW:

for the most part, shadow is in the right about everything. his only issue is that like sonic, he doesn’t want to work together. sonic is too impulsive, but shadow is too stubborn. they learn to overcome this together throughout the series. while shadow is stuck speaking to sonic from the void, they are constantly disagreeing on what to do. shadow is being too bossy and demanding that his plans be followed to the letter, and sonic is making split second changes and forgetting to tell him. this at some point nearly ends in a MASSIVE disaster and they both realize they need to get it together. wasting time fighting is part of what caused this mess in the first place- shadow is also slightly at fault here. we do a flashback to the day of the incident and they agree to try to cooperate. it’s a little rocky, but by the end they’re fighting side by side in perfect sync, recognizing each other as valued friends.

NINE:

nine for most of the series can stay the same. an important plot point for me is his insistence that he is NOT tails. however, instead of this being something sonic has to learn is true, it’s something nine has to learn is false. when nine goes to ghost hill and sees the old tails, he’s unnerved by this hollow shell of a version of himself. while he is alone putting the shards back together on the mountain, he realizes that just like the shards are unstable fragments of the paradox prism, the shatter spaces are unstable fragments of green hill. he is a fragment of tails. this sets off a minor identity crisis on top of the realization that he is not supposed to exist. none of the shatter spaces are supposed to exist. that’s why they’re all so out of wack. no place is flooded and ruled by pirates, the boscage maze is a suffocating jungle, new yoke is a dystopian nightmare, and the grim is a lifeless wasteland. they all exist in a fragile state of balance and are already falling apart. they were already on shaky ground but have been on a direct path to destruction since sonic showed up. he still has hope in his ability to make the grim into his own world, but deep down he’s refusing to let himself realize the truth: even with the power of all 5 prism shards the world will continue to decay until they are reunited. nine takes the shards and leaves.

SONIC:

dear god. sonic. where do i even begin.

first of all, i would prefer to see him being a little less chatty and scatterbrained. i think a little of it would still make sense considering the story he’s living through, but in general he needs to be a little more tethered to his old unshakable self until it comes to the really important decisive moments. sonic isn’t an emotionless character, but he just seemed extra…. smushy..? idk this isn’t something i can articulate well ehe XP

i LOVED the parallels and flashbacks from seasons 1 and 2. where did they go??? i go crazy for a good parallel, so i say they keep happening in season 3. obviously. like of all the times to mirror the beginning, it’s the final fight???

i want to have the final battle directly and clearly parallel the fight from episode 1. this way, there can be a Moment where sonic stops to look back at his experiences and make the choice to do things the right way this time. to fix the problem he created he needs to fix his personal problem that created the problem. i want a very obvious scene where he finally finished connecting all the dots lets this lesson sink into his head.

speaking of which, let’s get back to present time and talk about the final fight.

FINAL BATTLE:

nine has all 5 shards kept far apart and protected, but still close enough for him to draw on their power. the world is decaying rapidly and he has to constantly use the shards to ward off the imminent destruction.

sidenote: at some point when nine is trying to pick off sonic, he sends the birds to search the empty space in the shatterverse. one finds shadow’s chaos emerald in the void and brings it out. shadow gets it back from the bird or whatever later. it was so weird that the void stopped being relevant and they just never got the green emerald back.

heading into the final fight, sonic is sad about nine’s betrayal, but he only gives him one chance to give up. when he and shadow confront nine, sonic tells him that the shatterverse is falling apart and no one has a home left to return to anymore. nine hesitates for a moment, he knows there is a chance that even with his enemies gone he won’t be able to stop the decay, but he refuses to give up. sonic knows what is at stake here and he takes it seriously. he doesn’t want to fight nine but he has no choice, besides, nine is hurting his friends, and that’s not acceptable.

sonic still isn’t sure what to do about the moral dilemma of wiping out the shatterverse to bring back his world. after all, wouldn’t that make him no better than nine? but right now there is an immediate threat: nine accelerating the decay of the universe by holding all the shards in one shatter space.

during the final fight (which i would also make WAYYYYY shorter) i would have him try to go for nine himself, thinking that he knows nine best, and is the most well equipped to defeat him. everyone else is on shaky ground with each other as alliances between the different groups, especially with the eggmans, haven’t been solidified. because of this lack of teamwork everyone struggles to fight off the robots nine creates.

sonic stops. he’s seen this play out before, and the stakes weren’t nearly as high. he is the throughline of the whole group so HE has to bring everyone together (“theres only one hedgehog they’ll follow into battle”). He gets everyone to understand that right now they’re on the same page, so they all formulate a plan together to keep the robots away and get the shards back one by one. sonic and shadow fight nine in person while everyone else collects the shards and brings them each to sonic and shadow, who use the power of the shards to help defeat nine. but when they remove nine’s power source, the world starts decaying really fast again. nine panics, takes the shards back and starts trying to fight off the decay, but it’s too much to fight anymore. he falls to his knees in defeat, he knows his goals were always unreachable. at first he lashes out at sonic, but then he stops and just cries.

he tells sonic how he just wanted a place to call home, even though he knew it wouldn’t be possible. sonic says that maybe it’s still possible to restore the shards to their worlds and stop the decay, shadow interjects that they need to bring back green hill, but nine says there’s no point in trying to bring back the shatter spaces. they’re beyond repair, and they were never meant to be in the first place (the others hearing this are shocked and uneasy hearing this). he was wrong to try to destroy everyone’s worlds to make one just for himself, at least sonic was trying to bring back his friends. but sonic comforts him and reassures his feelings and also apologizes for asking him to stop existing. but nine says that’s actually what he needs to do now. the only option left is to restore green hill. they’ll pour all the energy stores they have left into the kraken to get sonic and shadow back to the decaying ghost hill.

sonic tries to object, asking if nine is sure he’s ok with disappearing. nine says he won’t really stop existing, he and all his friends were always with him and always will be back in green hill. nine thanks sonic for always being his friend. here is the big brother hug moment. nonetheless, they all say goodbye (for now), and shadow and sonic head out of the grim.

RESTORING GREEN HILL:

blah blah there’s some debris and maybe they *almost don’t make it* but in the end they just barely get to the gateway in time.

sidenote: instead of shadow needing to go through weird side cracks to get through the gates, he is able to because of the instability of the prism energy not keeping him out the way it did before

shadow is almost blocked at the gateway. he’s pushing through, but the world is falling apart. sonic grabs the shards from him and tosses them into ghost hill so he can pull shadow through. shadow exclaims something about the shards and sonic says he won’t leave him behind. shadow is touched <3 (they’re holding each other desperately this whole scene and when they fall through, this is me making up for cutting the princess carry im so sorry i had to).

they get to the mountain, return the shards, and a huge blast of energy knocks them back. sonic opens his eyes and cue the regular sequence from the final episode. i liked this bit, it was such a relief to see the world put back together lol. after they fight eggman, sonic brings everyone in for a big group hug like he tried to in new yoke and says he has to go find shadow.

sonic asks shadow if he still remembers everything, and he does. sonic breathes a sigh of relief and jokes that he was worried all that friendship building effort had gone to waste, shadow gives him a (very) small laugh. he tells sonic that he may have started this by being himself, but he also fixed it by being himself. sonic whizzes around him asking if that was a compliment, and shadow says it’s just good to be back home. sonic says “it wouldn’t be the same without you. it wouldn’t be the same without ME either” to which shadow rolls his eyes and tries to hide a smile. sonic uses shadow’s shoulder as an arm rest as the two look out at the sunset. sonic says they make a pretty good team when they fight WITH each other. there’s a pause before shadow responds, “yeah.”

the next day goes on like it did in the real episode except shadow is there, and when the gang remarks on sonic’s odd demeanor they also comment on his suddenly improved relationship with shadow. the show ends like it did before with sonic about to explain but interrupted by eggman. life is back to normal, happily ever after the end.

OK THATS IT!!!! i hope whatever few people had the endurance and determination to read all of this enjoyed it, ive been writing it out for hours omgggg i could never write fanfiction i would die LMAO. i had such a clear vision of what i thought this season was going to be that i figured it wouldn’t take too much effort for me to write it all out. like i said before it’s definitely not perfect and i refuse to re read this for errors for 24 hours but i hope you enjoyed ok bye :3

[bestanimatedmovie]

Choose your favorite!

Time to fly!

Vote in the other polls!

What fans say:

How To Train Your Dragon:

The message was just nice. I have a lot of nostalgia for it. I used to be a huge dragon nerd as a kid and dragons just weren't that prevalent in media here, especially not as friendly figures. I still love HTTYD and it's sequels nowadays.

It was one of my favorite movies as a kid and one of the few movies I watched that wasn't a barbie movie, it's just really cool.

Best movie featuring dragons period. The pure wish fulfillment fantasy of having a highly intelligent fantasy creature companion that can fly and doesn’t mind being ridden like a horse, therefore also the best execution of the dragon rider trope in all of fiction. Extremely funny, adding to the comedy is the fact that only adults have Scottish accents and all the teens have an American accent. So good that even its tv show follow up was decent by extension. The bit where Hiccup is trying to earn Toothless' trust and they start to work together changed me on a fundamental level.

I LOVE IT SO MUCHSHJKBSKHGDK I have a bone dysplasia which causes some bones to be a little bit more hollow and whenever I would feel a pain in my top back, 8 year old me was like ''woah I'm growing wings its my time to fly like toothless'' lol and it was always a dream of mine to fly. Weirdly enough I could relate to toothless because the "not being able to fly but you should be" felt like an allegory to a lot of my life! It gave me hope when he WAS able to after the help of others + the care he always needed + that mechanic wing thing made me feel like with the right ''recipe'' could help me get better too. My favourite scene is the first flight!! I love the animation for it, it makes me feel like im flying through the clouds too! The soundtrack is amazing too, I still cry to the songs.

I could write an entire essay about how much I love this movie, it truly is one of the best films ever made to me. Utterly flawless on both a technical level and a story-telling level. Not to mention the score oh my GOD the score of this movie changed my life. There are too many scenes that are so impactful, but the Forbidden Friendship scene has to be one of the best. Test Drive too.

This is literally my favorite movie of all time. This movie got me through the worst times in my life. It’s about love and friendship and all that lovely goopy stuff and it’s also fucking gorgeous.

THE cinematic masterpiece of our generation. On god.

This movie is an absolute masterpiece, the animation is pretty, the score is perfect, the relationship between Toothless and Hiccup is so sweet, Toothless is absolutely adorable. Definitely one of DreamWork's best films.

It's a beautifully animated movie about an unconventional viking boy named Hiccup finding his place in a world where dragons and vikings are constantly at odds, and how he changes the world around him. The dragon designs are unique and beautiful, and the vikings are larger than life and match the exaggerated setting.

Who on Tumblr DOESN'T want a dragon best friend I ask you. I would kill to have what Hiccup & Toothless have.

It does a brilliant job balancing tropes in a way that subverts and plays into them. There is so much in it for both adults and kids, it doesn't look like other animated films, it feels more grounded and in that realism it becomes so beautiful. The friendship in the film feels very real despite one of the characters being unable to talk! Forbidden Friendship scene is, in my opinion, the greatest scene in the history of cinema. The music, the lighting, the cinematography, the pacing, the emotions, it is practically perfect in every way. I could go on but I think ya get it.

God this movie defined my childhood and it's still so good when I rewatch it now. I'm guessing you'll have had this submitted a good few times bc it goddamn deserves it but. Hiccup is so relatable and !! dragons !! big cute dragons whose animation models are based on cats!! based fr

I have many fond childhood memories of this movie and in particular I loved how my cousin would "talk" for Toothless (cousin was babysitting us when we first watched the movie). Another thing is The SCORE. The music is iconic and awe inspiring to this day. That first time when Hiccup and Toothless fly together and it Works and the score absolutely goes HARD, I loose my breath every time. It's great. Also have you seen Toothless he's an adorable dragon and a badass, what's not to love?

Makes me cry every time because Hiccup and Toothless are such good friends and they love each other and end up as two halves of a boy dragon soulmate sandwich also the music is extremely good who doesn’t like dragons anyway.

It's the story of a beautiful friendship forming between a boy who doesn't fit in and a dragon who is the last of his kind. It's so cute. And it shows positive representation of disability, Hiccup and Toothless become disabled in ways that meaningfully parallel each other. Hiccup makes a prosthetic tail fin! And Toothless is just so cute!

The sound track is amazing

Honestly everything is phenomenal. It has a good use of comedy and an excellent story and character development. There are also countless beautiful and awe-inspiring scenes supported by an amazing score.

Up:

It is a very emotional movie about an old man learning to still enjoy life even though his wife died.

Such a beautiful film about loss

[mytruepairings]

something i really want to see in s3 is carmy gaining a little of his self worth back and i feel like the fallout from claire will help with that.

he literally says he doesnt need happiness or entertainment or any of the things he had with her. he's lived so long without them he knows how to cope without it - no matter how isolating it gets.

but he did have it. claire did give that to him and he enjoyed it enough to shirk his responisibilities to those he cares about. i think its going to hit him differently this time and im here for it. i want him to want those things for himself. i don't think him and claire will get back together but i think he'll slowly be able to accept that he wants those things now and move towards it in a more balanced manner (probsafter throwing himself back into work for a bit again). but he'll feel that void more now bc it had started to be filled.

this time i think it'll be filled with syd tho - even if they're hanging out just for work and as friends. they already have such a connection i think carmy will become more aware of it now. slowly, of course. but i think thats what they both need.

if they want a healthy steady relationship then i think they both need it to start from friendship, trust, and a place of comfort or solace. carmy def needs that bc he's just lacked healthy intimacy in his life. syd on the otherhand.. doesnt seem to have a lot of friends. at least from what we've been shown. she has good relations, but what i found interesting is that when marcus hinted at romance with her she got very weirded out. and yes, it could be bc she sees him as just a friend but part of me wonders if shes also scared of intimacy. we never see her be really emotional -besides being angry or stressed- all the other times shes really calm even when she opens up to carmy. she states what she thinks and needs but its in a very matter of fact way. as far as ik, like carmy, she's never seen a healthy relationship bc she was to young to notice those things when her mom died.

slow burn is perfect for them. esp since syd def doesnt realize or at least want to admit she may have actually been jealous. that her feelings may be more. and in s3 when things playout between her and marcus i really wonder how carmy will react bc i think to everyone they seemed to be just friends. so if marcus pursues her a lil more openly or ppl find out that he likes her then that might spark something in carmy just like claire did with syd. at the very least they might become closer if they open up to each other about their love lives if they need advice or help with marcus/claire.

idk just thoughts.. but id LOVE to see the angst that comes with slowburn of both carmy and syd becoming aware of their feelings but not being able to act on them - for whatever reason. whether they're scared to lose the other or that the other wont feel it back and saying something about it will make things weird between them. what i think would be amazing is if they pull off the 'she fell first but he fell harder trope' bc rn we know for a fact that syd knew who he was when she walked into that diner, that she's always respected him, and that her dad doesnt care if that diner closes down. so i have to wonder if she actually went there for him

[jemmo]

for the ask game, 7, 12, 17! 💗🌼

thank you for the ask :)) and sorry its late i was gonna answer this at the bus stop yesterday but for once they decided to be on time

7. top 5 bl

man i had to stare at my mdl completed list for a while to decide this, but i'll preface that these top 5 are here both bc i have such a strong emotional connection with them and bc i want to scream about how actually good they are from a rooftop (also not ranked bc thats too hard):

utsukushii kare - don't know else i can make it clear how beloved and special this show is to me. an excellent story across both seasons and the movie with even better mains that are characterised to perfection, develop in the most beautifully human way and are performed brilliantly. and if i think about this show any longer and remember its over i will break so moving on

old fashioned cupcake - it was one thing to give me a bl starring THE og kageyama stage play actor bc those things were my life during the height of my anime phase, but to then have it be this good?? the story is beautiful, the fact they manage to do so much with such little run time amazes me, and to this day it has the most romantic line in any bl that always gives me goosebumps when i watch it. and i dont wanna talk like im that old, im only 25, but as someone who's barely had anything you can call a romantic experience, this show left me with the warmest sense of hope and comfort that beautiful love stories aren't reserved for high schools, and its never too late to find happiness

blueming - i havent rewatched this one in a while, or much at all, but i'll never forget the visceral response i had when i binged it all in one night. i adore the fact that this is just the gentlest story of 2 people falling in love and finding comfort in each other and just how naturally and simply it happens, and i think its portrayal of that specific family dynamic is phenomenal, bc for me at least its as much about that family being in the process of healing as it is about the love story, and the fact they go hand in hand is even better

bad buddy - what else is there to say. for the 12 weeks it aired, i ate, slept and breathed this show. literally did not even think about anything else. and this show has rightly been praised to the moon and back but as well as all that, its always gonna be special for me bc of the people and community i found and shared the watching experience with. what can i say, you just had to have been there, and im so glad i was

the eighth sense - surprisingly this was my last pick and i was debating swapping it for a few others, but it ultimately stays bc of how refreshing and how much of an emotional rollercoaster it was. i haven't ever brought myself to rewatch it, but i can vividly remember how enraptured i was by the sheer amount of tension they managed to create in those initial episodes, and how well they managed to maintain it. and i hope people take note of how much people loved its artful and kinda raw vibe and become inspired to do something similar bc i think it gives great balance to the genre (and i also, clearly, love it, just look at these pics. i promise i do love fun and silly stuff too)

12. most rewatched bl

i was debating putting this on my list but ultimately, while not being my absolute favourite, its my definition of a comfort show and that is my dating sim. idk what it is about the show, but ever since it came out i go back to it at the very least monthly. i think its the fact that when im really craving a good bl, it manages to not only hit all my favourite tropes (unrequited but secretly requited love, reuniting and digging up the past, that initial clash gives me a lil bit of enemies to lovers, plus it has enough fluff to make me all warm and giddy), but it also does them so well, and the story is so perfectly simple and succinct that i feel so content when the whole thing is over. truly the perfect show for when i wanna do nothing and feel happy.

17. best kiss

unsurprising but yes, it still is the bad buddy rooftop kiss. i dare not watch this kiss bc i know if the weakness ever overtakes me i will fall into a void that i will not escape for at least a week. and honestly, while there has been some good competition, idk if she'll ever be beaten, and idk if thats bias talking or just the objective truth, but i encourage all bl's to keep giving it their bests shot

❤️🧡💛bl ask game💚💙💜

[spookfished]

nov 2023 media roundup

hello again :3 welcome to the world from 2024!! im doing backlogs of media reviews lol. well i was really busy. and then i was super busy playing umineko!! looking back at this month, it seems like i didnt read a whole lot this month, but then i forgot that ruzhui is literally 300 chapters long. so.. a couple of these i read uh quite a few months ago by now so the review might be a bit stale. however i had like 80% of this written for several weeks so theres only a couple! this will be posted on my neocities at some point

books:

ruzhui by please dont laugh: f/f. after a terrible breakup, college yun an is happy to leave her life behind for some TIME TRAVEL! but while disguising herself as a man to avoid discrimination, she gets looped into a matrilocal marriage with businesswoman lin buxian?! intended as a fluffy palate cleanser after pdl's previous work a clear and muddy loss of love, i think it still kinda ended up getting mired in politics two thirds of the way in, when a lot of us were here for the moments with miss malewife yun an and her powerhouse wife? on the other hand, its hard to stretch out fluff for an entire 300 chapters without contriviances. i also really enjoyed how it managed to balance like. idk. 'returning to the simple emotions of the past' with 'holy shit guys the past actually sucked ass lmfao'. its a pretty relaxing read, so id recommend checking it out if youre into f/f!

the devil comes courting by courtney milan: f/m romance. can romance bloom while trying to create the first telegraphic encoding for chinese...? sooo cute im a huge fan of courtney milan as always. surprisingly goes into some pretty heavy topics including like. forced assimilation via child stealing?????? i thought it was well handled though the ldr stuff and the way amelia grows as a person was soo nice

the marquis who mustnt by courtney milan: f/m romance. the son of a conman returns home for one final trick. meanwhile, naomi just wants to take her medic class. the two become engaged on false premises and of course, catch feelings. once again extremely cute im very charmed. also liked the pottery details :3 i think in every fake engagement the whole 'pretending to themselves they dont have feelings' is a little ridiculous so i liked that they just like. acknowledged it at the outset. i think its honestly more compelling to be like 'yes my feelings are sincere and true however X still outweighs '. loove a guy shackled by duty

wandering souls by cecile pin: follows anh and her two siblings, refugees of the vietnam war. ok honestly i dont remember a lot about this book :( sorry but i did like it! its a really fast read and made me really sad so id recommend. (DISCLAIMER: AMERICAN) i also feel like i dont read a lot of non-american diaspora books so thats pretty interesting as well. nice prose also :]

detransition baby by torrey peters: a trans woman who yearns for motherhood, her detransitioned ex-boyfriend, and his pregnant partner struggle to find a way to live--together, or apart? ok sorry this is another review written in january so its kinda weighted more negatively. i had a LOT of thoughts about this in november but i forgot most of them. this novel is a deep look into a very specific kind of queer subculture--a subculture which is both very white and very annoying. sorry. the characters feel like a vivid, true-to-life depiction of the poeple i try to avoid at my little liberal arts college. however, it ALSO feels like the kind of really good gossip that you love to hear secondhand. also, the author shoehorns in discussions of race in ways that are really jarring and also, kinda bad? i honestly really loved the inner voices of all the characters which is why it sucked when i got to suddenly read a copy-pasted twitter thread about intersectional oppression instead. (especially coming from the mouth of a cis wasian woman..?) it feels all the more tokenistic since we immediately go back to the inner struggles of ames and reese instead. ugh. however, it sparked some really interesting conversations with me and my friends. i also got to learn more about ah i guess transfem detransition? as opposed to transmasc detransition. they are very different! um but i guess id recommend?

comics/manga:

surviving romance: action/horror webtoon?? the woman living in the body of a romance novel character is determined to get her picture-perfect happy ever after-- at all costs. everything goes according to plan until the day zombies attack the school. chaerin is forced to bond with the faceless extras of her story, and find out what is rotting at the core of *love every day*. very solid writing!! i like how the author gradually introduces characters, and how the tension ratchets up as more people to care for becomes more people that can be lost. definitely goes into some orv-lite type themes, which i appreciated. i guess my only complaint is that despite the solid execution it didnt really ~wow~ me in any way... still worth checking out though :3

run away with me girl by battan: f/f romanceish? two high school lovers meet again after midori decided that their relationship was just a childish whim. but even though midori has decided shes straight (and is married with a kid on the way!), maki still has feelings for her. dude soooo cute the art style is not personally my thing but i felt like all of the characters were really grounded and the introspective parts were really interesting. some beautifully atmospheric parts! would recommend :3 witch hat atelier kitchen (reread) by shirahama kamome: a spinoff of witch hat atelier, where the two teachers qifrey and olrugio make food together after hours! gorgeous art as always, and some cute recipes too! i reread this since an official english translation came out lol. monotone blue: short furry m/m about apathetic, aloof cat hachi, who meets aoi--a shy transfer student who happens to be the only lizard in the whole school. pretty lighthearted for the most part, but also heavily implied a sexual assault scene?? or at least the vibes?? in a way that treated it far too lightly and left a bad taste in my mouth. possibly worth reading for the art, but idk :/ definitely falls into the romance trap of having a love interest go "ill save you from these bad guys!" for like a cheap plot device and then not really going into it

movies/tv:

parasite: class-focused comedic thriller? the kim family finds a way out of choking poverty by working for the extremely affluent park family. its almost too easy--until it isnt. man everyone says parasite is so good. AND IT IS!!! i cant believe i took so long to see this movie i got to see it with some friends over thanksgiving break and it was so good :] had me stressed for my fucking life sitting at the edge of my seat. has a lot of meat to bite into analysis-wise but is also just so crushing in many ways.. the ending stuck in my head for a long time. rewatching it this january was honestly more stressful in some ways haha

revolutionary girl utena: allegory-heavy commentary on shoujo and princess narratives and the nature of heroism and-- f/f. utena is a girl who aspires to be just like the prince of her dreams. she is somehow wrapped up into an engagement with anthy himemiya, who calls herself "the rose bride." ahhhh i still havent watched the last two episodes actually. people always say "utena is a fantastic show but PLEASE mind every single trigger warning" and its true! utena tackles some really heavy subjects in a way that is delicate, understated, and vicious. i watched a bunch of these episodes late at night in the computer lab and they honestly left me breathless. has so many layers of symbolism to dig through that it can honestly be overwhelming, but also very compelling just on the surface! watch utena. also watch this amv https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THN3gYKYojs

the wonderful story of henry sugar: a netflix adaptation of one of roald dahls stories (within a story). it was cute :3 not a lot of sticking power lol but i think this is the first wes anderson production ive ever watched. very visually distinctive!

video games:

lethal company: cooperative horror game about trying to collect garbage in a dystopically capitalist world ft. proximity chat! dude this game is blowing tf up i tried playing it with neil but 1. we are huge pussies 2. its really only feasible with 3+ people

music:

TILT by nanoray: anime breakcore is one of my truly guilty pleasures. i see the anime girl on the cover and cringe a little bit HOWEVER nanoray is a really good artist. the intro is so liquid... i think the album as a whole really just sweeps you up into a groove. some of my favorite tracks are into and DOGWALK2000 THE LONELIEST TIME by carly rae jepsen: i was so mean to carly rae jepsen in middle school. im so sorry miss jepsen i was just so tired of hearing call me maybe everywhere. im now a changed man. just a really well constructed pop album 👍admittedly not as iconic to me as emotion, but joshua tree and talking to yourself are my favorites atm SAYONARA WILD HEARTS OST: ive never played sayonara wildheart, but i think its a rhythm game about girls fighting each other on motorcycles? with bisexual lighting and tarot cards? but anyways this is a synth-y lush pop album thats super fun! it feels like it tells a story (probably bc it does) and it always makes me want to listen all the way through :3 my favorites are sayonara wild heart and their clair de lune remix

anyways if you read to the end, thanks as always! its really interesting to try and condense my thoughts about something into one paragraph.. sometimes its easier than others huh! im almost done with the december one so please look forward to that 👍

[elytrafemme]

i reblogged the ask game from u but I just realised you’ve done like.. every ship I remember from dsmp o(-( and idk enough about ace attorney.. uh klapollo I suppose? i think that’s how you spell it

BRACKETT YOU ARE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND klapollo. Klapollo klapollo klapollo KLAPOLLO <3333

Klapollo means so fucking much to me because it's a ship that is built on this idea of trust at its very core, which is smth ace attorney tackles a lot overall but like you can see it very pronounced in them. klavier goes through some of the most emotionally taxing shit and apollo isnt there necessarily to like, for lack of a better word hold him through it, but what he CAN do is make sure the truth comes out. and that justice is served. and that gives him this stability with klavier when klavier (espec the way i headcanon him which is a diff story lol) does Not Have That Fucking Stability In Life. and then with Apollo it's like he's been through so much in his life abandoned over and over again and even though Klavier is kind of withdrawn and debatably a coward about things and just Complicated, he respects Apollo and he cares about the truth and hes not like, going anywhere. you know?

i think there are many ways to view them, i really like this idea that the two of them get together like normal ppl unlike their fucking insane childhood friends to rivals to friends to clearly gay lovers etc bosses, but i also do think an angstier approach is interesting of like. a long distance kind of thing? the two of them having to work through their shit and as they do finding this fondness for each other and then one day it clicks in Apollo's head "oh. I love him." and for Klavier who is the type to fall quick (imo) he always knew he liked him and even loved him but one day he has the moment of oh. Oh this. This is Different (and i think Apollo is more shocked to realize he loves Klavier than the opposite, though both are equally shocking. Klavier by far is more surprised to hear that Apollo reciprocates more than his feelings because, well, he's been pining after this guy since the first day they fucking met).

ultimately i think ppl do good with klapollo though i do think there are two major categories of characterizations i see with Apollo specifically which is kind of due to the dissonance between AJ apollo and then DD+ apollo. i think you can see him as the more clumsy, dense, easily moved/emotional apollo, or the one that gets hardened by all his trauma and years in khura'in and becomes more serious and closed off. honestly i do think there is a way to balance both those things though, i think he's a mess in conversations and he can't really stick the landings when he tries to flirt with klavier and he cries when he's really overwhelmed or when the people he loves is hurt, but he also has this kind of serious nature to him where he's blunt and he takes things literally and he loves klavier in a way that's very steadfast and serious, in the im not going anywhere way

and i think klavier just. gives apollo the love he's fucking deserved and with that gives him the freedom and the tranquility of that too. he puts his faith in apollo and he gives him space when he needs it and then when apollo needs him klavier is always always there and he would sing from the rooftops about how much he loves apollo and thats his instinct but he knows apollo isnt that type of guy. so instead he whispers i love you between sleep and exchanges brief forehead kisses and dropping off lunch at his office etc and thats the way they love.

i think verall though there are two major ways i see klapollo characterized and you know what. both are in character and i like them both and whether they get mixed together or not i am still satisfied with it hope this helps.

anyway you might be able to tell that i really really like this ship huh

[mapsofnonexistentplacesremade]

Olzha and freda are like my favorites tell me more about their dynamic. i need to go through your toyhouse and read more of the profiles for trainstory... Hi

OK YES THEY ARE ALSO MY FAVORITES

i dont think ive written it down anywhere but the way they meet is like. roughly a month after freya arrives to the train and has befriended isel she keeps hearing the name of this one guy show up and is like alright im gonna figure out who olzhas is. she spends like an entire day just scaling the entire perimeter of the train until she locates em in the midst of renovating eir restaurant and just like stands outside waiting saying nothing. and olzhas seemingly doesnt notice so she just keeps coming by and standing outside for like a week till e's like hey you can come in you know.

and from then on the two start to talk and freya's like. trying to figure out what this guy's deal is because e keeps being mentioned in the context of isel but isel himself just does not want ANYTHING to do with em and olzhas detects this thought with eir clairvoyance and just like. resignedly explains the entire matter of the two's divorce and then is like wow that felt great to talk about. freya's kind of just amused by everything and is like alright. kind of want to put this man under a microscope

freya just starts to visit eir place more and more frequently to the point where it becomes a daily thing.... theyve taken up the habit of having dinner together notably and just generally discussing whatever the fuck. like the major thing between them is just idle chat and forming inside jokes and its all just very leisurely and relaxed between the two of them

eventually after a few conversations about olzhas' telepathic powers (which freya finds very very cool.) e's like hey do you want to try out connecting our thoughts its basically like a secret way to talk. freya (fan of talking and fan of secrets) is immediately willing to try it out and thats basically the basis for the two always being psychically connected. uhh they just get like a full repertoire of one anothers thoughts and emotions and evidently it lead to their understanding of one another getting rounded out VERY quickly, theyre both very familiar with one anothers state of mind and can be super sensitive to any discomfort which has both lead to some interesting stories the two've talked out and also them quickly figuring out precise ways to help one another calm down and whatnot

and honestly its very important for freya shes very shy very anxious about talking to new people in general even if she conducts herself in a kinda grandiose whimsical manner. and shes gotten better about it since then but like her befriending olzhas was a fucking anomaly and it was a very lucky one. over time shes become more outspoken and confident just because those traits of eirs rubbed off on her and conversely olzhas started to gain both a better sense of responsbility and a better sense of joviality because of her.

more broadly speaking i just like their dynamic because its like.... sooooo fucking funny to me conceptually freya's strongest friendships being ones with two divorced men who hate each other so bad but theyd both drop dead for her because shes so endearing. and with these two in particular they're just complete gadflies but olzhas is very blunt and morose and freya has this cheery friendly air about her. but also olzhas is arguably the more levelheaded the one more willing to help others the one who acts objectively, freya contrarily can be extremely self-oriented and willing to disregard consequence or others feelings for the sake of her own wants and needs.... HOWEVER they care about one anothers wellbeing so bad and they know one another inside out and kind of just know how to approach one anothers shortcomings. they balance one another out and its like easy for them to confront one another.... theres this weird mutual elegance and understanding that actually makes it so that they each find it fun to 'argue' because they know it comes from a good place and no matter what theyll hear one another out. at the same time theyre so in tune with one another that it can become insular and they can appear very strange or mean to any onlookers. idk their discrepancies and double standards in the context of how they act as a duo is so charming to me its my favorite thing to write about

[sparksnevadas]

Sparks!!! The new chapter of Grian's Involuntary Holiday is making me sooo !!!!!!

Grumbot helping Grian through a panic attack was so sweet!! That's my emotional support robot son <3

Also all the wing symbolism and Grian's belief that his natural wings are ugly and unherolike, but Scar liking them how they are? AUGH!!! It's so perfect!!! Beating up the hero organization for making Gri think that way.

All of Scar's dialogue was so good, I adore the way that you write him sm.

When he said, "Angry with me, sweetheart? I’m sorry-” It made me want to both punch him and kiss him, which I imagine is how Grian would have felt if he wasn't so stubborn jsdfkjs.

Also the Applebees bit. /pos It was sooo funny jksfjs!!

AND!!!! Scar making sure Grian preens his wings??!! And making sure Grian knows that he wants him to be comfortable in the situation and to take care of himself and augh. It's so ironic and I love it.

Overall the chapter absolutely made my night!!! So excited to see what their "date night" holds!!

AHHHHHH ASH!!!!!

Oh my gosh this message was such a delight to get and read!!!! Im so happy you liked the chapter!! From the split i did, this was actually the half i was a little more anxious about, so this was so awesome to get!!!! Aaaa <3

Grumbot our beloved <3 he loves his dads. I had a lot of fun figuring out how he’d speak without his little printed messages, hopefully I’ll find more ways to bring him into the scenes more. He got lots of cuddles from Grian that night.

Get a punch in from me for the H.A. <3 defintely dont think about how literally everyone feeds into the idea that white wings = good/angelic and that Scar’s favorite nickname for him (angel) makes Grian feel a bit self conscious now bc he isnt living up to expectations! Even if theyre from an ‘enemy’!

I love writing Scar’s dialogue sm, he’s a menace, he’s grandiose, he’s just a little guy!

mayhaps :) this isnt a spoiler but, scar is legitimately concerned that grian will become angry with him and stop talking to him after this is all said and done. He’s “running a pristine business” of balancing all the moving parts and not burning his bridge with grian who he really enjoys being around :)

OKAY so the the applebees bit is inspired by the fact that i grew up thinking it was quite fancy! My mom used to take me there for special occasions to eat steak. Imagine my surprise when my college roommates think its equivalent with panera or the such. That you can go there on a casual wednesday night? Weird. So now theyve made a meme of me thinking its a high end place… so when i asked my roommate, “where should scar take grian on a date?” My roommate immediately answered “applebees”.

…Anyways theyre not going to applebees.

Again, Scar really does enjoy Grian’s company and his boundaries. Maybe one day Grian will feel comfortable enough to ask him for help preening ;) (hint hint nudge nudge)

Thank you so so much for this message! Made me throw my phone down in delight i was so excited to see a message from Ash Goodtimeswithscarian in my inbox. Thank you so much for the support and for the long messages with all your reactions, it makes all of this twice as much fun to write, knowing you and others enjoy it :)

Hope youre doing well ! <333

[hospitalroom]

The splitting thing in particular became MUCH easier to manage with the egostate stuff; Understanding that we both are basically not dealing with my partners full self, but a specific part was extremely helpful, and over time, it was even possible to merge parts together which have been split before. That however can take a whole weekend and a lot of nerves and sleep away since it's dealing with a ton extremely exhausting and intense emotions. We even had a time in the last years where we basically talked every evening, then every weekend and not it's like.....once a month we have to deal with the severe splitting. But yeah just knowing about the splitting on both sides is helpful. Like my partner themselves knows, intellectually, in such situations now that there is more than the limited emotional world of a singular egostate suggests. And I know that just because one egostate denies a shared experience, or the value of a shared experience, or is rude, or denies even the love between us, that it wasn't a lie when another part was extremely positive; it's still a confusing balancing act at times, but definitely easier now.

I have been diagnosed with DID a few times but I only started to accept it a few months after my ex was present for one of the therapy sessions in which I was with a new therapist who diagnosed me again, otherwise I would’ve just forgotten about it or something. I still like to pretend it doesn’t have that big of an impact on me, but it does go hand in hand with the splitting especially with the way there are certain triggers that will come up and I wont have any say in what happens and we have our own separate ways of thinking and our own goals, worldviews, different vocabulary/skills /style and comfort/personal mannerism, coping mechanisms are different, different memories and separate feelings about them (and what parts and sensations we can recall), and our relationships to others and self perception is completely different even when we arent in such an activated state.

It’s really hard finding help online since I dont have any therapists local (within a walking distance, so like under 3 miles.) and they usually require you to be hospitalized for a few months before seeing them for whatever reason and to be moved out of whatever traumatic environment which isnt something that i can even do right now so im just .. stuck. i do have at least one part i know that is extremely self destructive and i think its that things have to be “bad” on some level so that way they dont become ruined its just. distressing just like waking up back in yourself to find that it was whatever part that just destroyed everything for some reason unknown to you, and you thought you were just gaming but turns out no 🫠 and the first warning signs shouldve been the abrupt changes in food preferences and fashion and mannerisms and who i was talking to /how i spoke to them . i never know whats happening or who i am until its over . and we dont communicate because im pretty sure we all hate each other except im just confused and still baffled this is even a thing and only truly understand it when i hear them or when i meet people who know me but ive never met or i seize when i say something i shouldnt have/ fall asleep when i see something i shouldnt have.

dbt feels way more digestible to me because i dont have to risk talking about any alters which i still struggle to accept and i feel like i constantly have to prove it to myself otherwise ill just continue to get worse. its also just terrifying for a myriad of reasons, but primarily because im worried about the information shared and about the lack of control over my body. I dont even know if i’ll get to that point because of how much controversy over my treatment plan there has been.

Usually I’m aware that the feelings i have are temporary, but i think a lot of the more problematic splitting has been caused by this confusion about what is/isnt safe and recognizing certain things abusers have said or done and just taking that to a whole different level and insisting that my reality in that moment is the truth (just reenacting whatever trauma response over and over again) and i usually wont be okay or normal again until i wake up or sometimes if i just come back into the room or if i self destruct in a certain way. but then i dont remember what i said or just very little of it & when i try to talk about it i just fall asleep or i spazz out or i get migraines or some weird shit happens. its like my body is just rejecting any kind of resolve :(

right now this happens at least once a week, sometimes several times a week. how long does it take to make progress with this kind of therapy? i think i just want to be unified enough to know better than to lash out at people that dont deserve that & to be able to make better choices for myself and actually stick to them without ruining it.

im glad you guys are doing better though! any advice is greatly appreciated still. thank you again for responding.

[ryuseibutgayer]

hihi !! i'd love to participate in ur matchup game if ur still taking reqs ! i'd prefer characters from OHSHC (just no honey-senpai please) + haikyu <3

traits: im v shy and prefer listening to others talk !! i also try my best show kindness to all no matter what !! im also a silly lil creative hehe

toxic traits: stubborn, massiveee people pleaser, avoid confrontation bc of fear of abandonment, and struggle to express certain emotions

their traits: affectionate and funny !

their toxic traits: ok idk FJFKFJDJ ig idc too much about possessiveness as long as it isnt extreme yk

goal: honestly just to be able to understand each other rly well at a v deep/intimate level

preferred time: night !! bc everyone goes quiet and the world becomes so peaceful :]

tysm !!<3 sending love to u !

My apologies for the late response my sweet lovely little anon 😭 I had a hair appointment. I hope these results find your appreciation and that something eases your mind today 🥺 from your analysis, I somewhat assumed you're an overthinker and I wish I could assure you but alas...you're Anonymous 😭💀 just remember you're a very kind person! Sending my love back, mwah <3

The balance between you and your matches is perfect and cancels out the flaws one party has with another. He cares for you deeply on an immaculately understanding level, and he doesn't run out of energy. Not from the start of the day, when you wonder if he'll still find himself so sweet to you as he interrupts your thoughts with a soft and loving smile, already questioning you about if you're well, and his affection doesn't stop, even by the peaceful dead of night, no matter how tired either of you may be from everything. It's no longer nights you overthink or worry about who isn't pleased with how you've been to them that day, it's now nights that your thoughts are reassured by someone who will tell you the truth, no matter what you're trying to get across, because he'll understand.

»»————-　♡　————-««

HAIKYUU!!

Tadashi ALSO being a rather shy type, you two would just grow close in the quiet corner of the loud gym, because you both need SOMEONE to talk about how crazy Tsukki and Bokuto are, right? You two would find yourselves making quite a lot of easy, flowing conversations throughout the school year. (It's nice that you were one of the only people that were kind to him...the people that didn't try and give him a concussion with a volleyball.) On campus, it's probably a lot of current drama or annoying tests and such, but off of school grounds or over summer vacation, there's a lot of stars and uncovered scars, yknow? He's all there to find anyone to share is thoughts with, as self kept as this little bean is. The more you two talk casually, the more he'll understand how you feel without you needing to express your distinct emotions. You will find he won't take it once his limits are pushed, however... he won't care who it is, even if it's Tsukki who's crossed the line with himself or you, he's not going to stand for it. He wouldn't leave you to be on your own with the crowd in what feels more like an empty, desperate room for the world, and Tadashi will lead your head out of the stress- whether you say it or not. You'll find peace together. :)

OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB

Kaoru couldn't help but get a little pissy at his brother whenever he'd come your way and embarrass you a bit with his joking, as good of friends the two of you were of course. He isn't considered very good when it comes to dealing with abandonment either, while he can't compare it to your experience, he can understand the fear of it, as he could never imagine its weight. Being the more mature and comforting twin, he's finding himself searching for a bit of peace of mind quite frequently in the midst of the chaotic host club- feigning a brother romance is tiring. 🫷😭 He understands its difficult to express some things, but he can tell a lot just by looking at you. He finds himself only able to try and reciprocate your kindness, and not asking you to go into the trouble of expressing what's going on, he feels it and he just wants to show you that he doesn't need to know what it is to comfort you. Kaoru is the type of person to never leave a single person in his life, even if it kills him one day. He's glad he won't have to worry about where he's going to end up by following you, because he knows that at the end of the day, you're the only peaceful thing he knows he'll have...sorry Hikaru.

»»————-　♡　————-««

[mrtinmtz]

Caught in a conflict

The discovery of the idea of the opposites. In the gnostic, God births son and the mind of son organizes itself through pairs of thoughts. they were seen as an essential part of creation, the story of the fall and redemption tumbles one thing in matter while another thing remains in the celestial realm and the mythopoetic narrative is the restoration of the relationship between the part that's in heaven and the part that now has become lost in the senses and in matter. the opposites are the engine for all psychic energy. war is the father of all things... heraclitus. ideas energies desires. weather systems…the new birth or the new thing in the psyche that comes out of holding the tension of the opposites and allow them to work on one another is called the symbol, it is a non rational new thing that comes about it's not something that you thought up. it will arise out of psyche often as a dream or image. thats the new thing.

Neither one nor the other, but non rational knowing that emerges as a symbol. When we talk about holding on the tension of the opposites, letting two opposites and not need to resolve it one way or the other. one developmental example of that … the kids at an age will discern that they both love and hate their parents. when their able to have a revelatory moment to have both emotions simultaneously, it stops them, highly confusing, but its also a relief.

The tension between thinking and feeling and intuition and sensation.

The idea of paradox, it's better witness to truth than one sided statement, paradox is the natural medium for expressing trans conscious facts. one of our most valued spiritual possessions. psychic facts of real significance are too complex any real Truth will be paradoxical. we do a violence to our own psyche to side with one side of the paradox, we have to let them both be. the ego keeps its integrity only if it does not identify with one of the opposites. the necessary insight is seemingly difficult, over time the discarded attitude grows in power and potency. how one thing actually becomes the other. the pendulum swinging back and forth.

When we identify with one polarity the other one gets projected in shadow. and where is the shadow ni us? somebody discovers their sexuality for the first time in their lives and begin to project on other people some conservative prudery, all of them are prude and im sexually liberated or conversely somebody has integrated an extremely conservative attitude around their own sexuality, their libidness, their erotisism gets locked in the unconscious and then find themselves accusing all kinds of people as sexually inappropriate or somehow dangerous or dark just because their sexuality is kind of out of control. that particular kind of slip that happens around sexuality…

One easy key to all this is to preference the word “And”. because the waking personality has to create some kind of frame to evaluate all the multiple choices we have at any given moment, when i begin to think about language that allows me to define myself, im a highly sexually liberated or sex positive person, i really welcome all of that adventurousness and sometimes i just want to be alone and on to myself, but i don't always want to be seen as a sexually object nor do i always want to perceive other people in sexualized terms, sometimes i want to know who i am away from all of that , and we can have this "and" feeling, that we can have both and in fact we need both, at least a little bit of the opposite in some form that we can imagine or put a toe in so we can have a sense of balance. we have inner brutality, we have inner transgressive stuff going on in us all the time and to acknowledge that is not the same as enacting it and in fact it provides an inoculation against enacting it but if we are one sided and think we good and proper and pure we are self deceived.

There is something in all human beings that crave both and to find examples of that in our own thinking, if we could find the places of war in our lives then we will have the capacity for holding that as an internal energy, we give it space to live in the inner worlds so that it doesn't have to invade the outerworld.

[20cm]

long letter (varying degrees of vulnerability and embarrassment) to someone(s), but probably mostly to myself, because ive felt absent and like a ghost for so long im not even sure where i should start

the concept of writing this feels incredibly silly for many reasons, including but not limited to the fact that ive already started it twice and felt dumb about how im wording everything. its not a unique experience and i find comfort in knowing that theres connection in how people feel emotions. but im also aware that if i never actually talk about it frankly without deflection or downplaying it that no ones going to know. and maybe some of you dont need to know, or dont want to.

you can stop reading this if you want then, genuinely this is selfishly for me needing to feel understood, because right now im not even sure i understand. this is just my little blog with people who follow me who dont know me, and those who do know me.

this letter is for the latter because im not sure how to say it to individuals and make it sound real, and sincere, and like im not just making up excuses for things maybe no one is looking for explanations for in the first place. but i feel each gap of time without saying Something to someone like a deep personal failure. like its my failure that a gap cannot be bridged because someone reached out and the shell of the person theyre talking to doesnt reach back. i struggle with feeling real, i dont blame anyone for leaving the ball in my court, im just sorry that its still sitting there. its not your fault

im sorry for being gone. both physically (digitally?) and mentally...im probably going to continue to be gone a lot. these periods of mental absence come and go but fact of the matter is that theyre becoming more frequent, or maybe just lasting longer

theyre hard to. work around. get over. which sounds like an excuse but im incapable of giving them at this point. its laughable how much im aware that maybe i dont owe the internet my time, but all my friends are online now, and its become increasingly hard to come to terms with how to balance where this intersects

i dont know how to feel healthily removed when the life i live outside my silly little phone+computer is painfully limited by a hundred factors, most of which i do not control, and the loneliness is suffocating

im also unsure how to not feel like im a whining child about all this. or how to not downplay my own feelings when i wouldn't dream of downplaying anothers, because im aware theres worse issues and also that its ok to struggle.

the feeling like ive failed every friend ive ever made haunts me like nothing else and its something im reminded of daily

knowing that one of the base responsibilities in a relationship with any human being is being present, but i have long periods of time where i cannot do that feels like a base failure at the most deep level. i cant and don't expect people to wait around forever. i will go months without being able to hold any real conversation with someone. i just dont want anyone to ever feel less cared for because of it, i think of everyone fondly

i think its also funny that logically i know friendships and acquaintances dont always last forever and that's okay. people are in each others lives for the times they need them and can keep each other. and you can always come back together if its wanted, but sometimes theres a lifespan and its fleeting, and you need to be okay with leaving people behind, and being left behind yourself

i think im just always used to my friendships having timers on them. when friendships last longer than a year those people become like extensions of my heart. i want everyone im friends with even for short times to feel warm and loved, because i know that life finds ways to bring people together and apart when it whims

i think im used to living like im on a timer in general. i dont expect things to last. im never under any assumption something will stay static. life is change. change is guaranteed. change isn't something to be afraid of

but it does scare me. intensely. i know that sometimes i let things go because the fight feels pointless. i know thats not always conducive to keeping relationships itself. i try anyway. im not sure it matters, but i want people to know that i Try. i feel that tug to Keep and Try so intensely

the problem is when i dont feel real, its hard to try. its hard to feel permanent. its hard to feel like anything matters. i get so used to floating as a defense mechanism that ive somewhat lost the ability to hold onto anything. everything feels like its running through my fingers. i tell myself itll all work out eventually

and it sometimes does. i have many lovely people in my life that are patient with me, and care in their own ways, and it makes me feel incredibly grateful and incredibly unworthy. everyone whos ever been patient with me when i disappear on and off for a few months deserves far better than i can give. im aware its not always about giving, but i feel like that by failing one of the core tenets of Being There most of the time im already asking for too much. i just hope that being there when i can is enough.

its harder to feel like any of these fears and issues are worth talking about when theyve plagued me for years. when ive tried to work on and patch the shortcomings and be Better for those i care about when it feels like i keep getting damaged in ways that set me back and make it harder to get back up

its hard to constantly explain myself as just going "through it" again. another week, month, couple months. especially when i know i could blame a lot of it on the last 2 years but that doesnt feel fair anymore. i know it's also my fault

so im sorry. genuinely and wholeheartedly. i know that i hurt people when im not present, when i stop answering and im barely there. i know its potentially uncomfortable for others. or who just worry. im also aware that theres people who probably havent given this a second thought, because theres also a possibility im making Up people who are mad at me out of my own self-loathing. i have no idea, because i know its also incredibly selfish to think im more than a passing thought when someone sees my name in a contacts list or online, but thats very unfortunately not how the brain works huh. im covering my bases at least

i want people to know im trying, that i care deeply, that im sorry, deeper. its hard to give proof of this. its also time i feel silly for having typed 38 paragraphs to post online like im doing a one on one therapy session with my little keyboard. its cathartic to say it out loud though. i spend too much time trying to be quiet. it feels like a waste if everyones time to put words to an experience that is not new to me over and over.

i am not always a perfect friend despite wanting to be desperately. i cant be there sometimes, and its funny (how many times will i say this) that once again im aware that theres no such thing. and trying is all anyone asks, and people will have plenty of friends who serve different social needs they have

absolutely mental to me that it Somehow feels life or death though. it feels ... dramatic to be so worked up about it, for years and years. or why Right Now is the breaking point in which i voice my very dramatic little fears

i dont know anymore, frankly. im trying to be real. im trying to be present. trying to remember what it feels like to feel looser and happier, instead of tightly wound and stuffed with cotton

i have post traumatic stress disorder, the months of september through february are already incredibly difficult for me. the month of march felt like i got my hopes up for nothing and the month of april feels like trying to come up for air

i feel guilty, lonely, and incredibly pathetic. its sad in hindsight and looking inward im aware its not all my fault, and its also not permanent

change is, as always, the only guarantee in life

but it means for the last half a year ive felt incredibly.....inhuman. a shell of someone. i don't know how to explain this to others without it feeling like an excuse. i dont want others to feel burdened by knowing they might have to sacrifice any comfort by being friends with me. its their choice to, its not like there's a single person on earth that doesnt come with baggage, but i feel guilty nonetheless. its hard to get over that sometimes. it used to be easier. it'll get easier again

i don't know what the point of this was. in genuinely do not expect anyone to have read any of this, im posting it and putting it into the wind.

but it felt like i needed to out it somewhere, remind myself that i always try. late last month i felt like giving up for the first time in a long while. needed to remind myself that i try. thats who i am. i keep moving. change is guaranteed. nothing is static, for better or worse

i am more than my illnesses and disabilities and i am worth patience and care, etcetera. if anyone needs me ill be trying to deal with my manic episode and little hallucinations

sorry if i disappear again. thank you for reading if you did. maybe writing this means ill feel better soon

[liquidstar]

Tell me about your ocs!! What's their names and ages? Do they have a story? What's theur relationship to one another?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING ANON sorry im answering late but i was busy all morning! but i appreciate it so 🥺 ty

i have a buuunch of different ocs and two totally different main ocverses/stories so i think it might be hard to answer all at once though 😅 but actually i do wanna answer with the main group of my newer ocverse bc i dont think i ever really posted abt exactly what all their dynamics are with each other!

just for context and to answer the first question, their story mainly takes place within a guild where they take on missions and eventually they sort of stumble ass backwards into a plot. the main five characters are polaris, saiph, bella, al, and mira! id talk more about them but ive posted abt them before so i dont wanna overexplain ;; i can link their more in depth personal posts if you want though!

but like, as for their relationships which i really do wanna get into, i typed a looot so im going to put it under the cut hehe:

polaris and saiph are besties but polaris wont admit it because shes trying way too hard to appear as more of a loner than she really wants to be. but saiph is like, completely adamant on being besties anyway so it somehow evens out, the fact that he doesnt leave is sort of what reassures her that they are friends after all. typical fire and ice dynamic, theres a balance between them.

polaris and bella are like. both very similar to each other with their tendencies to isolate and repress themselves but in different ways, which makes them sort of resent each other at first, but then at the same time theyre also both able to understand each other and actually help each other and be friends. or maybe...

polaris and al sort of have a relaxed friendship where there isnt as much pressure, al is sort of the reassuring cool factor that's needed for polaris to stay comfortable in the chaos of their group. al also considers her to be a good person to talk to, but since polaris doesnt understand social dynamics as well she had a hard time determining where the line between meddling and helping is. and maybe al feels a bit weird seeing saiph and polaris be besties and realizing that hes not content with having that same dynamic with saiph too... ill get into their whole mess later tho

polaris and mira generally get along very well, but contrary to al, mira's personality can be a bit overwhelming for polaris, its basically an extreme extrovert and an extreme introvert, but that kind of relationship is also one thats important to polaris coming out of her shell. probably because mira is hard to say no to (because half the time shed drag you along anyway).

saiph and bella also have opposite energies in a sense, saiph cant control his emotions while bella represses her emotions, hes always at a 10 when shes always at a 3. bella might find him annoying in a lighthearted sort of way, but she also finds a bit of a vicarious catharsis in his demeanor so she likes hanging out with him. and saiph sort of just looks up to her as their de facto team leader.

saiph and al are. the messiest bitches on planet earth. they both like each other but theyre both so fundamentally insecure in very similar but also different ways that theyre unable to actually, like, even conceptualize of the feelings being mutual. and despite their own feelings for each other their own issues clash a lot with each other- al wants to become strong enough so that he can protect people so they never have to protect him, the concept of people getting hurt on his behalf is terrifying to him. but saiph is incredibly reckless and self-sacrificial (in a way that borders on suicidal) and feels patronized and insulted if anyone tries to take on any of these burdens in his stead. so they clash heads a lot in this regard ESPECIALLY because its the person theyre respectively in love with.

anyway saiph and mira are siblings. though theyre not technically related they are siblings and theyd probably be offended if you ever questioned that fact. they grew up in the guild together, and since theyre close in age they really clung to each other. despite only being a little over a year older saiph still took on the classic protective older brother role, while mira is the cutsie and playfully annoying sister, and shed even play it up for his sake at times.

al and bella are sort of frenemies, in a lighthearted way though. neither of them really take it very far since theyre fairly levelheaded (most of the time), but they still bud heads because they both always feel the need to be in control of any given situation. bella is the team leader so naturally shes in charge, which can make al uneasy and sort of bicker with her, which in turn makes her frustrated at his incorporation. even outside of missions they keep their banter going, usually its light but that doesnt mean they never argue for real either. theyre still friends, but maybe they should voice that a bit more often too.

al and mira generally get along super well but he cannot keep up with her energy, but unlike polaris he like, fully encourages her chaos. she sort of sees him as a good person to just ramble to for hours on end because he’ll just sit and listen. he has no clue what shes talking about half the time but thats okay because he likes her spirit! and she helps balance out his somewhat more cynical characteristics a bit. 

bella and mira are besties. their personalities seem sort of opposite on the outside, but on the inside theyre both pretty similar! bella's more edgy demeanor is a facade after all, in her heart of hearts she really is soft, she likes cutsie and sweet things, and despite not showing it she really does like being shown affection. she has a lot in common with mira, so shes sort of able to be herself a bit more around her, she doesnt feel threatened and can put some walls down. they shop at hot topic and claires together.

[astro211]

Developed vs. Underdeveloped traits

Take this with grain of salt. Its not a full list just small descriptions (mostly for fun) Use Sun  Moon  or Rising.

LIBRA

Developed: They are diplomatic and charming people. They can stand on their own and aren’t scared to disagree with someone, because they know how to do so in a respectful manner, and if that person has an issue with it, its okay because libra knows it’s not their problem to fix. They are be polite but more authentic. Certainly the type you can take home to momma. They can create a true balance between things/people. They easily see things from another’s perspective and are great at collaborating with people. They are wonderfully creative and use their creative and romantic abilities to create beautiful connections with other individuals. Low-key mind readers.

Underdeveloped: Can be way too concerned with finding someone to love/having someone love them. They can be dependent and as a result sacrifice authenticity for company. They don’t create real bonds because they may be too agreeable and lack an opinion becoming a mirror of the person/people they are with. They can struggle with the unfairness of the world. They can be shallow, flirtatious and flakey. struggle with being a door-matt. Lack backbone. They say things they think you want to hear. They deeply fear confrontation and are very avoidant and it can create a bad rep. Generally they may be basic and sooo corny. 

SCORPIO

Developed: Fiercely intelligent and their intuition is like a superpower. They can’t be fooled or its not an easy task. They are able to let things go and welcome the changes that come. They transform into something greater. The Phoenix is often referred to with scorpio/pluto. They have a need to change and transform, so they satisfy this by burning away the useless parts of themselves ~even if it’s most of them~ then they are reborn into what is greater and stronger than before. They can get to the root of things and can make for wonderful artists. They know their power (and boy do they have power) and wield it wisely. Charming babes, very perceptive and don’t have time for BS so they keep it real. 

Underdeveloped: Emo babies. They can be way too edgy and people may have to constantly tip toe around them otherwise risking being attacked. This is because underdeveloped scorpio placements can be paranoid, hypersensitive and perceive anything as a personal attack. They don’t know how to deal with the depths of their emotions, resulting in a hypersensitive edge lord that probably can’t handle any sort of lighthearted joke. They perhaps have yet to chop away at the no longer useful parts of themselves and this can result in a self-destructive nature. I predict a tendency towards the ‘fuck it’ mindset which ultimately fucks them over. Intense but in a manner that pushes people away.

SAGITTARIUS

Developed: Glorious sunshine babies who radiate pure joy and deserve to be beloved by all. (Im a sagittarius so I would know;) ). They are honest. They can see the truth for what it is. Even with the cruel realities of the world but they still remain joyful and optimistic. They know when/how to keep their mouths shut. They’re thoughtful and charming. They can see the bigger picture and how beautiful it is and they share that image with those around them, inspiring themselves and others to aim high. They bring up the moods of those around them. Funny and able to roll with the punches. They are fearless and focused. They work hard and their positive outlooks bring them good luck.

Underdeveloped: Blunt. Their honesty can be very misguided and it can create really awkward situations. They can be sooo laid back that they don’t even care about how they impact those around them or even what happens to themselves (similar to scorpios ‘fuck it’ I’ve seen this with both). They can be hotheaded and stubbornly preachy, insisting their way is the only and right way. They exaggerate often because they haven’t developed their inner storyteller. They procrastinate and escape any difficulties because they don’t know how to handle negativity in life. Their escapist nature can make them flakey. Not the best people to lean on because they’ll vanish esp. if they feel like there is too much responsibility on their shoulders.

CAPRICORN

Developed: These babies work hard and they kick ass! They have unstoppable self-care/ compassion for themselves. They don’t fear failure, instead they use it to their advantage and learn from it. They, like sagittarius, look to the future and can see whats possible and as a result they prepare and are very disciplined as they know hard work pays off. They evaluate people and things and easily can determine who and what is worth their time, and are disciplined about not wasting their time energy or resources. Once they decide someone/thing is worthy they are devoted. They are serious at times but its rooted in practicality. 

Underdeveloped: They can be stubborn and struggle to work well with others. Too prideful. They know what needs to be done and they don’t like the idea of other people getting in their way. They can be very cynical and this may skew their visions of the future, for their prepared nature is meant to help them but this may demotivate them instead if they are plagued by self-doubt. Their cold and bitchy when they shouldn’t be. They can be way to serious and constantly be putting a damper on things. Difficulty being open or vulnerable with anyone. They live life alone because its easier and safer than devoting yourself to someone who may stab you in the back and leave you bleeding in the cold. 

AQUARIUS

Developed: These guys are trend setters. Icons. They don’t need anybody’s approval. They change the world. They bring people together. Fearless when they fight for what they believe in. Nothing can hold them back, stares, words of discouragement; they know what they’re doing and not you nor anybody else can stop them. They’re very intelligent. Compassionate as hell and they really love hard. They are the masters of not giving a fuck. They are visionaries. Great leaders. They do their own thing and yeah they probably stand out and are very capable of influencing those around them. Authentic, cool and unforgettable. 

Underdeveloped: Lone wolf. Extreme in a manner that pushes people away. They have to stand out even if its for negative reasons. They distance themselves from other people. They’re too in their head and just observe instead of live. They might do whatever they can to blend in or people please. They want to be part of a group so much it stops them from being an individual OR they consistently keep people at arms length so they feel disconnected from people, and it fuels the idea they’re just too strange and unique for human connection. They may be very contradictory and confusing.

PISCES

developed: Confident, creative compassionate. These folks can create a whole new world and if you’re lucky you’ll be invited in. They have a healing nature/ their positive energy is intoxicating and brings people up. They take care of themselves; they extend their empathy towards themselves /past present future self/ which enables them to take care of themselves. i.e. forgiving past self to move forward// doing things now to help future self. Pisces high levels of sensitivity can make them rather magical. Fantastic artists. Big hearts.

Underdeveloped: Escapists. Cant handle the world, would rather eat, drink sleep, etc.  They isolate and dream but in a damaging way. The world drains them, perhaps because they have yet to emotionally figure out where they end and the world around them begins. They can take on a victim mentality. Lying is another poor energy this sign might lean into. Deception. Laziness. Hypersensitivity. They really need solid boundaries in order to flourish. sure, we all do but Pisces energy is particularly delicate to the energy around them so esp. for this sign.  Directionless and not fully present. 

Part 2

[passable-talent]

listen,, im just in the mood for stih!reader. not followed-anakin-to-the-dark reader,,, just straight-up sith, subscribed to the sith, bloodlustful, power-hungry reader x anakin. whether they were a sith before him or a knight pulled to the dark at the same time but separate from him is up to you, but i just want some sexy evil reader <3

two things. one- in planning this one i came up with possibly my most interesting canon ret-con ever. 

two- sorry about the lack of this in the past, with all of my darkfics i just always end up trying to make the reader redeemable or in some ways well-meaning so that it doesnt alienate my,,, readers,,, but as you wish!

that said, i havent gotten to really indulge my absolutely sadistic side in a while and it was uhhhh fun

There was a prophecy to the Jedi, long ago, that one young Jedi would bring balance to the Force. 

And to the Sith was a prophecy that there would be a Dyad in the Force, one whose power would give rise to the power of the Sith.

Sheev Palpatine, tasked with finding an apprentice more powerful than he, who could possibly be within the Dyad, went through many apprentices in very quick succession, each destroyed by the Jedi before they could gain true power. There was only one apprentice who escaped the Jedi unscathed- a young former scrapper from a planet so unexceptional it didn’t even have a name. 

You had struggled from the moment you could walk. You had built yourself up, with no help, no guidance. From a difficult child to a violent teenager, you fashioned yourself weapons, taught yourself to fight. When others tried to lay claim to what you owned, you cut them down. 

So naturally, when he discovered you, Darth Sidious gave you a lightsaber. 

With your skill in mundane weapons came an adaptability into the divine, and you were quickly nearly as skilled with a light saber as his last three apprentices, combined. He believed that your innate skill and exorbitant midi-chlorian count meant that you must be one half of the prophesized Dyad, and with the formation of a Force bond, he could do what his master had not, and become the other half. He just needed to build your power. 

Each time he praised you, the hole in your soul grew larger, wanting more, needing it. You had come from nothing- so now, you wanted everything. You wanted to be the most skilled. You wanted to be the most powerful. You wanted to be the strongest and the fastest and the best.

So imagine your anger when you came across a little Jedi padawan who you could not defeat. 

Anakin Skywalker was the golden boy of the Jedi, and it had gone to his head. He was nineteen, and already more skilled than his master, and most of the masters on the council. Of course he would try to kill a Sith apprentice, when one crossed his path.

Imagine, two young prodigies, on opposite sides of a millennia-long war, each convinced that nothing could stand in their way. Imagine no one winning the battle, and both going home unscathed.

Imagine how it would drive them mad. 

Darth Sidious could not be seen without risking his discovery, so you often did what he needed. You wouldn’t complain- each successful mission would ease your hunger for victory and power, if only for a moment. You were cunning, and only unleashed your brutality when it was necessary, but Anakin- Anakin had the key to the cage that held your rage, and he opened it every time you saw him. 

His master, the other Jedi, those you would dispose of easily, not caring enough to kill them, just doing enough to get them out of your way, so that you could face him. Every time you failed to kill him, you got angrier, until you felt nothing but rage when you saw him. How dare he challenge your supremacy, your skill. How dare he live and breathe, proof that you weren’t unbeatable. 

In the dark side of the Force, with this conflict came uncertainty- no matter how Palpatine promised that his blood-soaked and rage-filled apprentice was the most skilled in the galaxy, he began to doubt. He began to wonder if Anakin was truly the apprentice he’d been seeking. 

In the light side of the Force, Master Yoda began to understand what Anakin’s prophecy had truly meant- Anakin was meant to be the light’s balance to the dark that you carried in your heart. 

Against the numbers of the Jedi, you were at a disadvantage, but you weren’t concerned with odds, not when you were the most talented Sith that had ever lived. All you felt that you lacked was the wisdom of the Sith who had come before you, and so you often meditated, trying to reach them. Darth Plagueis in particular guided your mind many a night. 

But something was off about your meditation, this day. You couldn’t reach your grandmaster, and a sick, disjointed sensation rolled in waves through your skin. Breaking your concentration, you opened your eyes.

And seated in front of you was Anakin Skywalker. 

“You-” you snarled, immediately calling your saber to your hand. He held his hand up, though, and something about the motion made you pause. 

“I’m not really here,” he said, then looked around. “Can you see where I am? I can’t see where you are.” You narrowed your eyes, suspicious and still angry, but now curious. You slid from your meditative sit and onto your knees, slinking toward him on your hands before reaching out to touch his shoulder. 

“You mean you didn’t reach out to me?” You asked, tilting your head, expression still distrustful.

“No, I thought you called to me.” You locked your eyes with his, reaching forward with the Force to feel him, his presence. He seemed to feel you doing so, but did not resist, and in fact did the same. Reaching deep into his heart, you found a surprising spot of cold- and latched onto it, holding it, unlocking its secrets. This, you could use.

“You don’t trust the Jedi,” you said, a smirk curling on your lips. His eyes widened briefly, which made you realize just how correct you were. Maybe it wasn’t so bad that he was so skilled- if it could be used in service of the dark. 

“The Jedi stifle me,” he conceded, and from your connection you’d forged into his soul you felt a spark of fire, that so-familiar rage. This time, the emotion wasn’t yours, but his. 

“The Sith will not,” you promised, and sat back down, much closer to him now. 

“The Sith must be destroyed,” he snarled, and you were in your element now, you were finally in control. After all this time, you were winning a victory against Anakin Skywalker.

“Why? We seek to bring order. I seek my fullest potential. Isn’t that what you’re doing? What the Jedi aren’t letting you do?”

“Shut up,” he groaned, looking away, and so you leaned closer, lifting your chin, beginning to smile. 

“We’ve fought in the past, Anakin,” you breathed, “But I promise you this- I would help you the way no Jedi would think to.” 

You felt it when his entire presence in the Force sparked, and then disappeared. It seemed that he’d grown too distracted to keep your connection. 

Speaking of that- how could you have had such a connection? 

Sure, you’d felt his presence in the Force before, but only when you fought, when your souls clashed as brightly as your sabers. This was new, very new, and in all your teachings you had heard of nothing like it. 

Nothing- nothing but a Dyad. The Dyad. 

Sidious was right, in everything he had ever told you- you were of the Dyad, you were the Sith meant to experience power like none before you had, you were the one the prophecies had spoken of. But Palpatine wasn’t the other half, the way that the Rule of Two would’ve expected it- the other half of the Dyad was instead a young Jedi.

Master Yoda felt a disturbance in the Force as you realized it- as your dark hunger pulsed out of your body, satisfaction with knowing that it was all true making you feel powerful. The destiny you had been promised, you now knew for certain, was rightfully yours. 

You only had two problems, both easy to fix. The first- your Dyad partner needed to join the Sith. Only then would you be fully unstoppable, only then would no one be able to stand in your way. 

And the Second? Anakin becoming a Sith would violate the Rule of Two. Meaning that there would be three Sith where there was only room for two.

So you needed to be rid of Sidious. Such was a plan for another day. 

The Clone Wars were a Sith’s playground- Sidious’ extraneous apprentices, Dooku and Ventress, took care of most of the messy battles. Fighting clones, negotiating with the Trade Federation, such things were beneath you. Your specialty, your joy, was in the destruction of the Jedi. Every single Jedi death in the Clone Wars was at your hand. 

And though you clashed with Anakin, the roles had been reversed- now twenty-two and sure of your destiny, you fought not to kill Anakin, but to show him the power of the dark, the power you wielded. He fought the way you had as a teenager, full of rage and murderous intent. Tortured as his missions were by you, he could not escape you in meditation, nor in sleep. You walked his dreams, making him wake with not anger but want, something that he hid from everyone, even his master. In his meditation you would appear before him, promising things that he only believed because they left your mouth. 

“Anakin Skywalker is at his most powerful when he’s at my side.”

No Jedi sensed the rising darkness in Anakin Skywalker, just as you expected. Jedi are incapable of seeing past what they believe. They know that the Sith have returned, and still are blind to the power of the Dark!

The Sith, though... the Sith sensed his power. You sensed it, of course, reaching into his soul any time you could, grooming and nurturing the darkness he’d begun to share. And Sidious felt it, too. 

So he took an interest in Anakin Skywalker. 

He grew closer to Anakin through their mutual friendship with Senator Amidala. Palpatine promised Anakin balance, salvation from the worries he carried with him. 

And he began to pull away from you, which certainly did not sit well. You were the most powerful Sith in generations, more powerful than even him, and he dared think you could be replaced? Not only he thought you could be replaced, but he dared set up such a replacement as though you wouldn’t notice?

No. 

You were stronger than that. Smarter. There was three where there should be two, and if your counterpart in the Force was meant to bring balance, weren’t you meant to, as well?

So you took advantage of the age and weakness of Palpatine’s body. You poisoned him, slowly, deteriorating him, so that all that kept him alive was the Force, and he had no strength of his own. 

And then you told him everything. 

“An apprentice, when they are no longer fit for the teachings of the Sith, is replaced,” you said, your scarlet saber humming, its life and energy filling your body, like it had a thousand times. “Which is why you have grown interested in Anakin Skywalker. I have learned from you, my master, I see through your deception. You wish him to take my place.” 

Your darkness invaded your smile, an emptiness invading your stomach that the deaths of dozens of Jedi had yet to fill.

“He will,” you promised, “He will be one of the most amazing Sith there has ever been. And he will fulfill the prophecy of the Dyad, just as you suspect.” 

Sidious didn’t even have the time to ask how you knew before you buried three feet of plasma in his body. 

You didn’t remove the saber, just let it rise and fall with the laboured breathing of an old man. 

“Without your help, Sidious,” you snarled, “I have pulled Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side. I have found the Dyad, the one spoken of in prophecy- I have felt it pull he and I together. And without your help, I will purge the Jedi from the galaxy.” You ripped the saber from his body, separating his chest from his stomach.

As Palpatine breathed his last breath, you had an unexpected visitor- a few of them, actually. Masters Kit Fisto, Agen Kolar, Saesee Tiin, and Mace Windu each entered Palpatine’s office, sabers ignited and prepared for a duel with a Sith Master. 

But they didn’t expect it to be the one that now stood before them. 

Master Mace Windu knew of you- knew of the Sith apprentice who had a hunger for power so strong that it was meant to outgrow their master. He knew that you had killed countless Jedi, and would kill countless more, if given the chance. So he wasted no time in changing his intentions for the evening. 

“In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic,” Windu said, igniting his saber, “You’re under arrest.” Your lightsaber still humming with the blood it had taken, you turned to him over your shoulder, canine tooth glinting from underneath a disturbing smile. 

“And what are the charges?” you asked, calm as though you could predict the exact outcome of the match. “I’ve just killed your Sith Lord. Surely that must count for something.” 

You focused the Force within you, sending it to the one person who you needed the most- and you showed him the way that four Jedi looked at you, threatened you.

“The Senate will decide your fate,” Windu threatened, and you tilted your head. 

“The Senate just lost their chancellor,” you said with a small laugh, “I don’t believe they’ll be deciding anything for a while.” 

It was all too easy to destroy them. Fisto, Kolar, Tiin, they were no challenge. Neither was Windu, but you needed him to believe he was gaining the upper hand- for Anakin was back on Coruscant, hurrying to your location, seeing through your eyes the way that Windu meant to murder you. 

Feigning weakness, you opened your chest, which Windu rewarded with a strong kick, and you fell to your back, little groans and whimpers of fear leaving you as you scrambled backwards, and you could feel it, you could feel the way Anakin was running toward you, feel his desperation to protect you, even if he tried to disguise it with democracy. 

“You are under arrest,” Windu hissed, his saber pointed to your nose. 

And then, there- the man whose presence you had once loathed, and now craved. Anakin was here, with those lovely blue eyes, that curly hair, that body that deserved to rule the galaxy by your side. 

“Anakin,” you said, chest rising and falling in panicked breaths, “Anakin, I killed Palpatine, I- I’m trying to help, I’m trying to help you!”

“You killed him to take his place,” Windu said, and your eyes narrowed. “But you have lost.” You reached out as though to call your saber back to you, but didn’t actually use the Force- which made it seem as though Windu overpowered you when he grabbed your throat and lifted you from the floor. Letting your body hang limp, you clawed at your throat, breathing ragged, and this- this was your chance. 

You turned your gaze to him.

“Anakin,” you breathed, desperation, love, in your eyes. “Anakin, please...” He’d heard you say that word before, sounding just the same, in dreams of soft touches and tangled sheets. He’d seen the way you looked at him, when he met you on the battlegrounds, and you seemed to enjoy his skill. All too familiar was the curve of your neck, the flex of your muscles, as you fought against a grip on your throat.

“Please, Anakin,” you whispered, “I love you.” 

“They are a traitor, Anakin!” Windu snarled, arm extended toward you. “Don’t listen!” You weren’t choking, not quite, but blood was being cut off, and you were starting to get woozy. You pushed the feeling through your bond to Anakin, proving to him how desperate the situation was becoming. 

“Please,” you said, mouth gaping for a moment as you struggled to breathe, eyes briefly rolling back in your head. “Don’t let him kill me.” Windu dropped you, and you crashed to the floor, coughing and sputtering, letting them both believe your limbs were too tired to hold you up. 

“I am going to end this,” Windu said, conviction in his tone, “Once and for all.” 

“You can’t,” Anakin said, and dark satisfaction pulsed deep in your chest. With those two words, you knew how this day would end. “They must stand trial.” 

“They are a Sith Lord! They're too dangerous to be left alive!” Curled up on your side, you didn’t look dangerous- you looked pitiful, coughing to regain your breath, tears rolling down your face. 

“Please don’t kill me,” you sobbed, and in Anakin’s heart you felt resolve- you knew he wouldn’t let you die. 

“It’s not the Jedi way!” Anakin said, “They must live!” You raised your eyes to Windu’s, and saw no remorse in them.

“Please, no-” you whimpered.

“I need them!” Anakin shouted, but Windu lifted his saber anyway. Anakin reacted in an instant, igniting his saber and slashing it through Windu’s arm, the distinctive purple saber now lost to the window and the streets of Coruscant below. 

You smiled.

In an instant you flipped onto your hands, swiping Windu’s legs out from under him, and he could do nothing to stop his fall. Anakin fell to his knees, shocked, and ashamed of what he’d done. 

“Anakin!” you said, rushing toward him, and finally, finally you could feel what you had in dreams, what you’d longed to- you threw your arms around him, burying your face in his neck. “Anakin, you saved me.” He hugged you back, slowly, and there was nothing else to compare to this. 

You had been prophesized to be the Jedi and Sith who would bring balance and rule, and finally, after all this time, you were together. Not on the opposite sides of a battle, not in a connection, not in a dream, but in reality, in each other’s arms. 

Together, you were more powerful than any Jedi or any Sith had ever been. You could feel it already. 

“Thank you,” you breathed, pulling away far enough to brush back his hair, but his eyes were heavy with sorrow and regret. “Ani, love, look at me-” His gaze met yours, and nothing else in the universe had ever been so beautiful. 

“I love you,” you promised again, and pressed your lips to his. The Force itself seemed to rejoice in you finally meeting, and now, all that was left to do was to ensure he stayed by your side. 

“Finally, we’re on the same side,” you breathed, and you felt the way he bristled. 

“The Jedi won’t see it that way.”

“The Jedi don’t understand- and they’re traitors, anyway, plotting to destroy the Republic, all this time. We have to rebuild the Jedi Order. We can make things the way we want them to be.” Anakin seemed to consider, so you pulled yourself closer to him, holding him just the way you remembered, in all those dreams you’d shared. 

“We don’t have to run away anymore,” he said, and you cupped his face. 

“No,” you said, “We don’t have to hide.” 

“The Jedi turned against me,” Anakin said, his voice low, and you felt that darkness in his body grow. 

“I know, love,” you breathed, brushing back his hair. “But I’m here. I’m still here.” Anakin leaned forward, holding you close by your lower back and kissed you, and you felt it- you felt hunger in his body, you tasted it on his lips. He rocked forward, laying you down on your back, even as you kept your arms around his neck. 

And as you surrendered control, you almost had to laugh- he had no idea how much power you had over him. 

-🦌 Roe

part 2 | part 3

[mokutone]

yo i would love to hear some of ur trans yam headcanons :) (also ps ur art is breathtaking and whenever i see it reblogged on my dash i always come here anyway to read ur tags bc they r so! good!)

thank u 🥺🥺🥺 god im sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days ksdjghsdkjgh not only have i got a LOT of thoughts to put here (this is only a selection of the bigger thoughts skdjghsdkjhg) i was also super busy the past few days!!!! ty for ur patience, ur compliments, and for inviting me to ramble abt my favorite guy!

maybe the one constant in all trans people is just like. our decision to intentionally and purposefully create ourselves, to forced into an identity by outside forces and to turn away from it in search of something else, and that’s ultimately what makes captain yamato read as a trans character to me! He goes through so many identities, and they are meaningful to him, but you can also clearly tell that he’s searching for something that really fits him.

I don’t really have a lot of firm thoughts on what his specific identity would be, I’ve seen some great nonbinary yams, some lovely genderfluid yams, trans guy yams, there’s a great variety and i delight in them all! 

I tend to imagine him as transmasculine and nonbinary but male aligned (which means he’d feel at least a partial connection to or comfort with masculinity) and while there are a bunch of labels for this experience of gender (demiboy, bigender, etc etc) i don’t see him as somebody who would use any specific labels, I feel like he’d keep his own experience of his gender fairly private! He’d prefer and be fine with masculine-coded terms of address, and happy enough passing as a guy.

AHH and on names...

I think Kinoe is the only name that I really see as like. a genuine deadname. It’s a name that means “The First” to my understanding, and so like, probably refers to him having the genetics of the first. Therefore, it’s kind of. literally a name referring to him as his biology...boy thats as deadname as it gets, huh? kill that shit and also danzō

Tenzō is also a name thats given to him, but to my understanding (all I know about the anbu arc is picked up thru osmosis lol) it’s a name that’s given to him twice, with affection. Once from Yukimi, who sees him as her brother (not a vessel for the first hokage’s powers, probably for the first time ever—even if it’s still another person’s name) He takes the name, gladly! Unfortunately danzō. anyway,

Later, when he starts to introduce himself to the non-root Anbu as Kinoe, Kakashi cuts him off and names him to the anbu as Tenzō. To my understanding: it’s a name at rest, not a name for one singular mission, but a name for his entire time in Anbu. It’s the name he keeps the longest. Again, it’s a name that’s given to him to him by somebody else, but it’s one that is given with the intention to free him of Kinoe, and all that Kinoe had to be. 

(A note on him getting annoyed with Kakashi for calling him Tenzō in main-plot:

Most of this is of course based off of personal experience, but I find it hard to believe that he would actively dislike Tenzō as a name since it was given with such sweet intentions—most of my names have been gifts, and the only one I’ve actively taken out of rotation has been bc i cannot stand the person who used it, and the way it was used, and while Anbu was certainly bad for Yamato...I don’t think it was quite that bad. I think him telling Kakashi to stop calling him Tenzō has more to do with the use of it where it doesn’t belong—for example, while it’s not exactly a name, I am happy to be called “mokutone” here, and you may notice my friends calling me by another name, but if any of those friends called me mokutone in DMs, I would be bothered by that.)

Yamato starts off as an empty codename, given to him for the purposes of his team 7 mission by the Hokage, but I think it gets such a loving and warm association from just...using out in the sunlight, with these kids that he comes to think so fondly of (he’s such a dad. god. he’s such a fucking dad) and with the friends he makes going out drinking and actually having time to socialize—and that means a lot! I think Yamato is probably the name which becomes most meaningful and like a home to him by the end of the series. This is the active name, the name where he is most himself. It’s vital for him to have that space to grow into! 

But that said, I personally feel like, if he were to continue beyond the edges of the story, this would not be the final name he bears. He’s probably well aware that a single name cannot contain who he is, or who he wants to be, and while being Given a name can be a beautiful thing (like i said, most of my names are gifts! i treasure them.) I think that, for his character arc, I would like him to name himself at some point. Even if it’s a name that only exists for private spaces, I want him to complete that self determination, to at least try it out, even if ultimately Yamato is the name everyone else will know him by.

Physical Transition Stuff

i will confess i hurt to imagine these shinobi binding 😭😭 even if an individual is binding safely (well made binder, no more than 8 hours, AND No Physically Intense Activity) they stand to risk hurting themself! In real life we gotta balance out the physical pain and the pain of dysphoria, but this is naruto and I’m Gonna Play Some Headcanon Games!

If chakra is both a kind of spiritual energy as well as directly connected to the body (as we learned in the hyūga fight) then it stands to reason that by manipulating ones own chakra, they can manipulate the body, or at least the way the body changes (such as naruto’s healing factor) 

This probably is not the safest thing to do unless you’re a mednin or following the directions of one, LMAO

The second the hell of puberty started up for Tenzō he tried to hold it back by sheer force of willpower + chakra manipulation alone 

but, manually controlling one’s chakra is like trying to prevent a stream from flowing with your hands alone, which is to say: an exhausting uphill battle.

 He’d probably only be doing it on his down time and not on a mission, but even still the most I bet he could make it doing that without getting figured out is two months.

Luckily blockers are readily available, Tenzō just had no idea and, gender being a private experience for him, was trying to handle the whole thing entirely on his own. Soon after attempting to self-regulate hormones him-fucking-self like a very valid but desperate fool, he gets an appointment, gets a prescription, and can chill out and not have to be as hellishly aware of his body constantly.

 Konoha mednin will say trans rights even if the village itself is garbage, this series is so god damn weird already, nobody can tell me a ninja taking hormones is somehow weirder than a ninja taking his dead best friends genetic superpower eye.

TWO WEEKS, THREE SPARS, AND ONE VERY EMOTIONALLY DRAINING CONVERSATION LATER:

u might think kakashi is passing him a water bottle and they both look so exhausted bc its post spar but no. physically theyre fine, but the emotional toll of having to talk about something either of them care at all about? miracle they survived.