#its def gonna be something i reference

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[youreaclownnow]

Decided I'd reread ajin for the first time in a few years, for the sake of figuring out wtf to draw for ajin week. And damn it's more kino than I remember like gamon sakurai was fucking COOKING

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Chapter 12- I Love You. I Know.

Summary: As the end of October approaches, you and Javi learn more about celebrating Halloween and Dia De Los Muertos together. After a sleepless night, and a Halloween party at the Murphy's, Javi begins to open up to you about his past.

Word Count: 15.6K (I'm sweating)

Warnings: SMUT (18+), unprotected p in v sex (don't be silly, wrap your willy), oral (m receiving), vaginal fingering, creampie, praise kink, semi-public sex (Oh the poor Murphy's...), PTSD/Anxiety around grief, loss and Javi's past, some angst/tension, mentions of drinking/being drunk (Steve is getting PLASTERED), mentions of food/eating, SO MANY STAR WARS REFERENCES, literally this chapter made me sob while I was writing it, editing it, and re-reading it, I am SO sorry

A/N: You guys. Holy shit. This chapter really had me in my feels. This chapter was def a labor of love, but I'm really happy with how it turned out!! Thank you for as always for all you kind words, you truly, truly, TRULY have no idea how much your support means to me 😭💖 Also please don't kill me after you finish reading this chapter I PROMISE *things* are happening so soon I can literally taste it, but I needed for this chapter to happen first, and you would be silly to think that *things* didn't get its own whole ass chapter and I am just as excited as you AH

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The excitement of October’s conclusion was in the air, and the joys of getting to celebrate what you hoped would be the first of many holidays with Javi was at the forefront of your mind. While the end of summer meant school was here and your carefree days were gone until next June, October meant it was time for one of your favorite holidays- Halloween. It was one of your most cherished things to celebrate as a kid, and even still as an adult. The memories of jumping into leaf piles off your swingset with your brothers, dressing up in goofy, homemade costumes to trick-or-treat (because your mom was not about to buy 4 new sets of costumes every single year), carving pumpkins, and stealing as many of your brother’s Kit Kat bars as you could without getting caught, filled your heart with a warmth and joy that you couldn’t quite describe. While the 80 degree temperatures and lack of bright reds and yellows painted across the leaves falling from their trees was much different from the Chicago Octobers you were accustomed to, it hadn’t stopped you from heading full steam into Halloween. 

“So do you have any thoughts on what we should be for Steve and Connie’s? I have no problem going out to buy stuff for costumes, but I can already hear my mom yelling at me for wasting my money on cheaply made clothes I’m gonna wear for 5 hours when I have something perfectly good in my closet.” You rolled your eyes as you shuffled through the hangers, Javi sitting on the edge of your bed folding the laundry you were working on putting away. 

The two of you had gladly accepted the invitation from Steve and Connie to spend the weekend with them in San Antonio, as the Murphy’s planned to host a Halloween party at their house for their friends and co-workers, giving you and Javi a chance to have a fun weekend out of town together. 

“Hmmmm?” He asked, looking up at you as you grabbed a few shirts, examining them for costume potential. “We’re dressing up for this thing?” 

“Yeah, that’s like, the whole point of Halloween, dummy.” You giggled, throwing a few options on the floor before making your way over to your pants. “Didn’t you dress up as a kid for Halloween?” 

Unlike yourself, Javi had spent his whole life celebrating Día de los Muertos, Halloween having nowhere near as much relevance to him as it did to you, spending the end of October and first days of November gathering with his family to spend the day making Pan de Muerto (Day of the Dead sweet bread),  watching the parades on the streets of Downtown Laredo before visiting the cemetery where his grandparents were buried, decorating their graves in cempasúchil (marigold flowers), candles and photographs with his primos (cousins). Since his mom had passed, Javi hadn’t been home to celebrate with his family, and had almost forgone the tradition completely during his time in Colombia, the pain and loss of his mother and the solemn sadness of celebrating alone leading him to try his best to forget about the holiday all together. 

“Uh, no, not, not really. Didn’t really do Halloween, isn’t really as much of a thing down here. My family always celebrated Día de Los Muertos instead.” He replied, almost embarrassed by his answer, not wanting to damper your excitement as you dug through your closet for costumes. 

Your heart sank to your stomach, feeling awful that you hadn’t even taken into consideration that Javi's traditions around this time of year were completely different from what you were used to. The two of you had never really talked about how you wanted to celebrate future holidays, and always had wanted to make sure that the important parts of your lives were celebrated equally. Javi hadn’t said anything after you had spent the past few days putting up Halloween decorations around your apartment, and now you felt like an idiot assuming he had spent his whole life celebrating just like you. 

“Oh… Shit. Javi, I’m so sorry, if you don’t wanna do costumes, we don’t have to, you just hadn’t said anything about Día de Los Muertos so I just assumed that-” 

“Baby, it’s okay.” He pushed himself up off the bed, the width of his broad palms wrapping around your hips, trying to ease the guilt he could tell was rapidly consuming you. “You’re right, I never told you about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything to celebrate it, and I haven’t been home for it since I’ve gotten back from Colombia. I just- I don’t really know how to feel about it, I guess. The last time I did anything for it was before my mom died. I was never able to bring myself to do anything about it while I was gone, and I guess now I just feel really shitty that was the way I decided to handle it.” It broke your heart to see the pain in his eyes, pulling yourself closer to him as you wrapped your arms around his stomach, leaning your head against his chest. It was then, the realization had hit you too- This would be your first year of holidays without Patrick. You didn’t know as much as you would have liked to about Día de Los Muertos, but you did know that it was to celebrate the lives of loved ones you’d lost, a feeling that you and Javi were both all too familiar with. 

“Listen…” You raised your head, looking up at him, arms still intertwined around his waist. “I don’t- I don’t wanna make you do anything that you’re uncomfortable with. I guess this is the first time we’ve ever really talked about this kind of stuff. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, Jav, and that means celebrating the things that are special to both of us. The things that are important to you are important to me too. I want our lives for us, for our future family, to be filled with all the things we care the most about, whether that means keeping old traditions or making our own new ones. It would mean a lot to me to get to celebrate Día de los Muertos with you, and if it’s okay, I would love to sprinkle in some Halloween too, because I’m fucking dying to carve a pumpkin.” 

You smiled up at him as his hand slid under your jaw, his thumb tracing across your cheek as he tried his best to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. It took everything in him to not ruin his plans, wanting to run into the bedroom, grab the ring out of his sock drawer and propose to you that very instant. Even after all this time, Javi still couldn't believe that he was the person you wanted to share the rest of your life with. That you wanted to intertwine your past, present, and future with his, to have a life, a family, together that the two of you could cherish forever. Never in a million years had he assumed he’d be anywhere close to where he was today, holding the world’s most beautiful, perfect woman in his arms, as she told him how she wanted nothing more than to build a family and spend the rest of her days with him. 

“Osita… I fucking love you so much, you know that?” He leaned in, his lips meeting yours in a soft and deep kiss, your heart racing as he pulled you in tighter. 

“Yeah, I mean, I guess, just a little bit…” You giggled, poking fun at him, considering not a day had passed since the first night he had said it that Javi hadn’t told you just how much he loved you. 

“Shut up, you dork.” He chuckled, making you squeal as he picked you up, playfully shaking you in his grasp before setting you back down. “I’d love nothing more, Hermosa. I don’t know how the fuck you’re supposed to carve a pumpkin or what the hell you have planned for these costumes, but I’m all in. I want it all with you, Osita. Thank you.” 

“Of course. For as much or as little as you want to do for Día de los Muertos, I’m all in too. I’m gonna be honest, I love Hallowen. Not as much as Christmas, but it’s a close second. It means you’re gonna have to trust me with a giant ass knife and cover yourself in pumpkin guts, though.”

“My trust is quickly starting to fade. Seriously though, what the hell are we supposed to dress up as?” He raised an eyebrow at you, nodding over to the pile of clothes you had pulled from your closet, now piled on the floor. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got some ideas.” 

  The weeks leading up to the holidays had made for fun at home date nights, the both of you genuinely looking forward to learning about the traditions you had both held so dear to your hearts. Almost every night after work, you had done something to celebrate the events leading up to the day. You had shown Javi a few of your favorite Halloween movies, including It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Beetlejuice, and Ghostbusters, very adamantly insisting to him that those movies were about as scary as you were going to get, blaming your brothers for scarring you after forcing you to watch The Exorcist at the ripe age of 7 years old. In addition to the movies, you had told him about other funny Trick-Or-Treating stories from your childhood, Javi’s favorite being how your brothers, (being the ruthless idiots they were) paid one of their friends in all of their halloween candy to jump out of a bush dressed as a terrifying old lady to scare the absolute shit out of you, and making you quite literally pee your pants. In return Javi shared his favorite memories of cooking in the kitchen with his mom as she made Pan de Muertos for his family, the two of you even attempting to make it one of the nights after work, milling about the kitchen together as Javi told you about his family you had yet to meet, or had passed away long before you. 

After a lengthy hunt, you were able to find pumpkins, bringing them to Chucho’s house to carve them since you had nowhere to put them inside your apartment. You offered him the rest of your Pan de Muertos in exchange for a place to work on your pumpkins, and while he gladly accepted the bread, the three of you knew Chucho was always happy to have you and Javi over, regardless. 

“So tell me, mija,” Chucho spoke in between mouthfuls of sweet bread, rocking back and forth in his chair, “is there a meaning behind carving the pumpkins, or is it just for fun?” 

“Just for fun! Okay, it looks like we’re ready, you want me to show you how to do it, or just let you go for it?” You smiled at Javi, the two of you sitting cross legged on Chucho’s porch, pumpkins open in front of you. 

“You just scoop them out, right?” Javi questioned, looking into the pumpkin with an unsure grimace. “It seems like there's a lot in here, Osita. I have to get all of it out?” 

“Yeah, or else you can’t see the design when you carve it. C’mon you big baby, just stick your hand in there and pull the guts out!” You laughed, digging your hand into your pumpkin, scooping out hearty globs of pumpkin guts, slopping them into the bucket Chucho had set out for you. Reluctantly, Javi joined, you and Chucho both absolutely dying at Javi’s face as his hand met the squishy fibers inside his pumpkin. 

“Jesus, that feels fucking gross!” He laughed, shaking his head as he threw some of the seeds and strings into the trash next to him. 

“You need me to do it for you?” You giggled, flicking a pumpkin seed at him as he winced with the second handful he pulled out. 

“No, cabrón (asshole), I can do it.” Javi grumbled as he rolled his eyes at you, the both of you scooping hearty handfuls of goop. 

“You hear that, Chucho? Calling me an asshole because he’s too scared to pull out pumpkin guts.” You looked back at his dad, giving him a playful grin, his smile already wide from the enjoyment of watching the two of you. With your back turned to Javi, you hadn’t noticed the small handful of seeds he had collected in his hand, lining up his arm to aim right at the back of your head. “I can’t believe that- HEY!” You whipped your neck around, running your hand over the back of your neck, picking seeds and strings out of your hair, seeing Javi snicker to himself as your jaw dropped open in shock. “Did you seriously just throw pumpkin guts at me?!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, must have been a ghost.” He shrugged, smirking to himself before digging his hand back into his pumpkin. 

“You see this?!” You looked back at Chucho, pointing your finger at Javi, pretending to be stern, although your laughter quickly escaped. “Absolutely ridiculous, I swear.” 

“Javier, that is no way to treat your future esposa! (Wife) No quiero mis nietos ser cubierto en calabaza! Me encantáran en cualquier caso, pero todavía! (I don’t want my future grandchildren covered in pumpkin! I will love them either way, but still!)” Chucho scolded with a smirk, you and Javi silently smiling to each other at the thought of one day doing this with your own children. Javi had tried to stop fighting off his dad’s comments about grandkids a while ago- Chucho knew just as well as the two of you that he would have his grandchildren soon enough. 

“Ella lo pído… (She asked for it…)” Javi muttered under his breath, shooting his gaze up at you as he felt cold goop hit the side of his cheek, wiping the pumpkin you had just thrown at him off with the back of his hand, watching you smirk silently to yourself as you continued to scoop out your pumpkin.

“Ahora… Estamos a mano. (And now… We’re even.)” 

The 3 of you chatted on the porch, the sky now painted a dark black, filled with twinkling constellations above as you finished carving your pumpkins. Yours, a cute ghost with a little smiley face, and Javi’s, what he had tried to convince you and Chucho was also a ghost, even though it looked more like he had just carved a squiggly hole in the middle of his. It took a little prodding and convincing, but as you all talked about how the Peña family had spent many a Día de los Muertos, you and Chucho were able to get Javi to agree to go visit his mom’s gravesite on the Sunday after you got back from Steve and Connie’s party. Chucho had even promised to keep his tias, tios, and primos (aunts, uncles, and cousins) completely out of the picture this year, wanting to give Javi all the time and space he needed to go see his mom for the first time since her funeral. He was reluctant at first, riddled with the guilt of leaving her unvisited all these years, but as he felt the gentle squeeze of your hand, your silent reassurance was all he needed to know that you would be by his side, every step of the way. As you said your goodbyes, Chucho hugged you just a little extra tighter than normal, as if to thank you for everything you had done for his son, and just how thankful he was to have you in his life, too. 

Even though the Murphy’s had very graciously offered to let you and Javi stay on Friday night as well as Saturday, both Steve and Connie very much understood when you had told them on the phone that the only thing that you wanted to do after coming home from the chaos of managing an elementary school Halloween party was take a very, very long nap. You and Javi had spent the night ordering pizza and watching Young Frankenstein, only lasting about 20 minutes into the movie before you were dead asleep, snoring against Javi’s chest, still dressed in If You Give A Mouse A Cookie costume from earlier today. Carrying you to bed and undressing you from your mouse ears and oversized overalls, Javi curled into bed next to you, pulling your body against his as he stared at the ceiling. Despite how hard he tried to fall asleep, he laid there, wide awake as ever, as his head raced with the tornado of thoughts brewing inside his brain. 

Javier Peña had never really considered himself to be an anxious person. For most of his life, he couldn’t be. For the sake of his job, the sake of his family after his Mom passed, Javi had survived the only way he had known how- Block it out, and ignore it. And so far, that strategy had seemed to bode for him pretty darn well. But that was before he had anyone who depended on him, cared about him, anyone who made his life worth living for. That was before he had met you. Now, Javi found himself at the crossroads of a moment he had been waiting for since the moment he had first laid eyes on you. Something that brought him absolute joy and sheer terror at the same time- Javier Peña was going to propose to you, and he was an anxious fucking mess. 

If that in itself wasn’t enough, things at the Laredo County Sheriff's Department had been an absolute shit show. Mexico was the only thing on anyone’s radar, making for long days and high tension at the office, trying to do anything to slow the spread of the cartel’s influence across the border. Day after day, report after report, it felt like the department was drowning in the endless shitty news of new death tolls, record breaking trafficking stats, and lack of control as cocaine moved across the Rio Grande at a groundbreaking pace. Even though he found himself even further removed from Mexico than he ever was in Colombia, he couldn’t help but feel that painful, searing wrench in his gut when he sat down to really think about it. 

You. 

Spending your lives together.

Having a family.

Protecting his wife and kids. 

The things he would do to keep you safe.

The terrible things he had done he had justified were keeping other people safe. 

The imagines of the things he wish he could unsee.

The pain and hurt he wished he could take back. 

The fear of what he was capable of doing. 

So with a knot in his chest from work, a ring hidden away in his sock drawer, and the beginnings of a plan to ask the woman he loved more than life itself to marry him, Javi coped with the weight of his stress the only way he knew how. He couldn’t fucking sleep. 

The thoughts played in his mind on repeat, torturing him with every loop around his brain. He tried his best to close his eyes, to empty his head for a moment of peace, but no matter how much he wished he could have willed himself to sleep, it was no use. By the time the alarm clock on his nightstand read 2:05 AM, Javi had completely given up on the idea of rest for the night, quietly making his way out of bed to go wander around the living room. It wasn’t long before you too were also awake, rolling over in your sleep to find Javi’s space in the bed cold and empty. Rubbing your eyes and propping yourself up against your pillow, you scanned around the darkness of your room as you came to, realizing that Javi was nowhere to be found.  Draping one of the blankets from your bed over you, you crept into the hallway, greeted by the soft light of one of the living room lamps painting shadows against the wall. 

“Javi, are you up?” Your voice still soft and sleepy, rubbing your hand along your face, squinting from the sudden brightness that lit up the room. 

“Osita, baby, did I wake you up? I'm so sorry. Go back to bed, okay?” Javi shot up from the couch, setting down whatever book he had been half focused on reading as he watched your bed headed figure meander into the living room. 

“No, it’s okay.” You grumbled, holding out your blanket covered arms for Javi to melt his body into yours, wrapping you in a tight hug. You pressed your head into the bare skin of his chest, snaking your hands around his waist as he planted his lips against the the top of your head, burying his nose in your tangled hair. “Baby, what’s going on? Why can’t you sleep? I’m worried about you, Jav.” 

“I’m… Yeah, I’m okay, Hermosa. Just a lot on my mind.” He sighed, his exhale still buried in your hair as he savored the smell of you, still lingering even in your sleepy state. 

His pause alone was enough to know okay wasn’t the word that you would use to describe Javi right now. His words were burdened and fatigued, making it clear that whatever was on his mind was weighing on him more heavily than he wanted to admit. 

“Are you sure? Javi, if you wanna talk about anything, you know I’m always here, right?” 

You wanted so desperately to pry. Everything in you had a feeling that whatever was keeping him up were entangled in the parts of his dark parts past, the last secrets holding up the final wall between the two of you. You knew from your brothers how hard it was to talk about the pain and suffering they had witnessed, and begging them to talk about it before they were ready only seemed to make it worse. Hell, after Patrick died, it felt like you didn’t sleep for weeks, and it had taken you months to open up about it. You knew Javi hurt, and as much as you wanted to, digging deeper into the things that plagued him in his restless nights wasn’t what he needed right now. Right now, he just needed someone to be there for him. 

“Is there anything I can do, Javi? I just wanna help.” The breath of your sympathetic whispers were hot against Javi’s skin, squeezing your arms to pull him as close to you as he could. He paused for a moment, letting out another deep breath as cradled the back of your head with his palm, running his hands through your hair. 

“Will- Will you stay up with me? Just a little bit longer?” His voice trembled as you turned your head to lock your eyes with his, the gentle nod of your head bringing him a moment of relief. 

“Of course, baby. Of course I’ll stay up with you. Do you wanna turn on the TV or put on a movie? Sometimes that helps me sleep.” You stretched your arms over your head, scrunching your face as you yawned before tugging your blanket tighter around your body. 

“Believe me, Hermosa, I know it does.” He let out a soft chuckle as he pressed a soft kiss against your forehead. 

“Oh shit, yeah that is true. I don’t even think I made it halfway through Young Frankenstein tonight, which is a crime. It’s such a good movie. I don’t even remember getting into bed.” You yawned again, this time taking one of your blanket covered fists to try and rub the sleep out of your eyes, forcing yourself to stay awake. 

“Well, if you give a mouse pizza and a movie after a long day at school, then she’ll probably need her boyfriend to carry her to bed because she’s so tired.” Now awake enough, Javi’s cute jab at your costume for school made you let out a little giggle, giving him a little shove with your blanket wrapped body. “Why don’t we turn the rest of it on, so you can finish watching?” 

“I don’t wanna fall asleep on you, Javi.” You grumbled, pouting up at him, considering he had just asked you to stay awake with him. 

“It’s okay. As long as I have you by me, I’ll be alright, I promise.” Reluctantly, you nodded in agreement, plopping yourself on the couch as Javi turned on the TV, rewinding the VHS tape to the point where you had fallen asleep earlier before joining you, draping his arm around your shoulder as you tucked in your knees and scooted closer to him. You sat for a few minutes in silence, letting the sounds of the movie fill the background. As you turned your head to look up at Javi, you could tell that even though his eyes were pointed at the screen, there was no way he was really watching the movie. Reaching up your hand, you ran your fingers across the length of his strong jaw, his stubble scratching against your palm, forcing him to look back at you. Your eyes met his, the sweet, chocolate brown looking back at you, with a confusing mix of exhaustion, guilt, want and helplessness. You brought your face closer to his, your lips now only inches apart as your whispers danced against his mouth, desperate to find something to ease his pain. 

“What do you need, Javi? Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you.” 

His tongue swept against his bottom lip, taking one last shaky breath before his words left his body with his exhale. 

“You. I need you.” 

His hands found their way to the bare skin of your thighs, his fingertips barely brushing against your flesh as he traced his way up to your torso, toying with the hem of one of his shirts that always looked so much better on you than him. Pressing his palm against the soft curves of your stomach, he tugged at the waistband of your sleep shorts, causing you to shift your body so he could slide them down your legs. Reaching over towards his lap, you grasped at his boxers, feeling him already half hard under the fabric as you rubbed your hand against him. Javi held your hips, slowly guiding you to straddle him as you kicked your shorts off your feet, leaving them in a pile on the ground. Slowly, you began to grind deeper into his lap, the feeling of him now fully hard beneath you. Gently prompting you to raise your arms over your head, Javi lifted your shirt, leaving you bare as he dropped it next to your shorts. 

“Is this okay?” Javi rasped, pressing languid kisses against your neck and collarbone as you ran your hands against the width of his broad shoulders. 

“Of course, baby.” Your reply low and horse as you began to drag the fabric of his boxers lower and lower, finally letting his cock spring free as his waistband pushed past. You brought your palm to your mouth, licking a long, wet strip across it before wrapping it around his length, thumbing over the precum already leaking from his tip. Javi tilted his head against the back of the couch as you twisted your wrist, stroking his cock, letting out a hushed moan before sitting back up to watch you. 

“You’re fucking perfect, Osita. I don’t deserve you.” He dug his fingertips into the soft flesh of your ass, his sweet, brown eyes locked on yours as you pressed against him, nibbling at his ear. 

“You deserve everything, Javi. I could give you everything in the world and it still wouldn’t be enough.” Javi grasped at your face, cupping your cheeks as he pressed his lips against yours in a deep, intense kiss, his voice shaky and lustful as his mouth parted with yours before he spoke. 

“I don’t need anything besides you, Osita. Eres mi todo. Estás todo lo que necesito. (You are my everything. You’re all I’ll ever need.) He shuttered, letting out a low groan as you continued to rub your hand along his length, Javi now reaching down to trace lazy circles around your clit before dipping his fingers inside your wet heat. His fullness made you whimper, wrapping tighter around his cock as you stroked him, now bucking your hips against his hand as his fingers curled, bumping against the spongy spot that made you lose control. “Does that feel good, sweet girl? Fuck, you’re so wet. 

“Mhmmmmm.” You gasped, rapidly nodding your head as his digits pulsed inside you, your cunt already drenched, desperate to feel the fullness of his dick, despite the thickness of his fingers. Carefully, you lifted your hips, moving yourself closer to him as you ran your fingers through the soft ends of his sleepy curls. Sitting up on your knees, Javi removed his hand as he watched you hover over him, his palms roaming to your hips as you guided his tip through your folds, collecting your arousal before lining him up with your entrance. His jaw went slack as you lowered down on to him, taking your time as you savored the stretch of every sweet inch until you had bottomed out at his base. 

“Fuckkk, baby.” He mewled, gently guiding his hands against your hips as you dragged yourself up along his length before headfully sinking back down, the tip of his cock bumping against your cervix with each movement. Javi nipped at your neck, trailing hot, wet kisses down your collarbone before stopping at your breasts, flicking this tongue along each of your pebbled nipples as you pushed deeper into his lap, whimpering at his touch. “My sweet girl, always taking me so well, like you were fucking made for me, baby. God, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” Javi pulled you in tighter, caging his chest against yours as his arms wrapped around the small of your back as he rested his face in the crook of your neck. “Fuck, I love you so much, Osita.” His words were desperate and needy against your bare skin, digging your fingers into his dark curls as you swirled your hips around his cock. 

“I love you too, Javi. More than anything.” You moaned as felt Javi shift his weight, thrusting upwards as he buried himself deep inside you. His fullness had you digging your nails into the nape of his neck, your body melting into his with each push and pull against each other. You could feel the all too familiar tingle creeping up your legs and through the base of your spine as Javi’s hand found its way to circle around your clit, already throbbing as the curled hair around his base brushed against your sensitive nerves. The lewd noises of your moans and tangled bodies drowned out the sounds of the TV behind you, practically hearing how wet you were as Javi cock slipped in and out of your heat, his pace pounding as he punched into you. You could feel your walls beginning to tighten around him, arousal pooling in your belly, Javi knowing you were close as you whimpered into the crook of his neck. “Fuck baby, don’t stop- ahhhh- please don’t stop, I’m so close.” 

“I know, baby, I know. Let go for me, Osita. Wanna feel you soak my lap before I fuck you full of me. Cum for me baby, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Javi’s fingers rubbed faster along your clit as you rolled your hips, sinking yourself deeper onto his cock with each thrust, your vision going white as you could feel yourself come undone. 

“Javi, Javi- fuck- Javi, Jav-ahhhhhh.” You could feel yourself gush around him, crying out his name as you reached your high, your legs shaking and fingers digging into his skin, pleasure flowing through your veins. 

“That’s it, Hermosa. Fuck, baby, I’m gonna cum too, fuck myself so deep inside you. My perfect girl. Mierda- Quiero que seas mío para siempre, mi amor. Solo tú, por siempre y para siempre. (Shit- I want you to be mine forever, my love. Only you, forever and always). Fuck me, I- fuckkkk.” Javi hissed as he buried himself deep in your hilt, spilling every drop of his spend against your walls. You could feel the mixture of the both of you dripping down your thighs, soaking Javi’s lap as you slumped into his body, your heart racing as the damp curls of his hair pressed against your shoulder. You both sat there for a moment, letting your chests rise and fall together in sync as you came to. “Fuck me, Osita. I could stay like this forever, baby.”

“You and me both. Although, I feel like that would make things awfully inconvenient for the both of us.” Your soft, sleepy giggles making Javi smile as he ran his fingers though the twisted ends of your hair. Carefully, you lifted yourself up, hissing at the loss of Javi inside you. 

“Thank you, Osita.” Javi whispered, tenderly circling his thumb along your jaw as you curled up next to him. 

“For what?” 

“Just- fuck, you’re so good to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. So, I just- thank you. Thank you for being everything I need.” Planting a gentle kiss on your forehead, Javi pulled you tighter, holding you in his arms as you leaned against him. 

“I’ll always be here for you, Javi. I promise.” 

You hoped he knew. That he knew your words were true. That when the time came for him to open up to you, letting you into the painful past that loomed above him, that you wouldn’t run. You would be right by his side, just as you were right now. 

“Well good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” Javi chuckled as you twisted in the passenger seat, stretching your arms over your head, scrunching your face, letting out a lengthy yawn. 

“Fuck, how long was I asleep for? How much longer do we have left? Sorry, I wasn’t planning on sleeping that long, I just wanted to take a nap for a little while we drove.” You ran your hands over your face, looking out at the bright Texas sun shining over the neat suburban neighborhood you now found yourself driving through. Javi reached over across the center console, rubbing his hand along your thigh as he chuckled to himself. 

“Baby, I knew from the moment you fell asleep you were gonna be out for the rest of the drive, it’s okay. I was just worried I was gonna have to wake you up in the Murphy’s driveway.” You grumbled as you looked over at Javi, giving him a playful swat against his arm, shaking your head, now emerging from your post nap fog. 

“Well if we weren't up fucking at 2:30 in the morning, perhaps I wouldn’t be so tired, hmmmm?” 

Javi rolled his eyes as you poked fun at how the both of you had found yourselves last night, trying to ease Javi’s sleeplessness. While your solution had worked enough to ease him back to bed, it had now left you wide awake, wondering what had been going through Javi’s head, torturing him enough to keep him up. It had also meant that the two of you had slept in much longer than you intended, leaving later than planned for Steve and Connie’s. The two of you had quickly packed your things and hit the road, stopping to grab lunch on the way before you found yourself dead asleep next to Javi for the last hour and a half of your journey to San Antonio. With only a few minutes now left in your drive, you peered out the window, admiring the houses that lined the quiet streets of the Murphy’s neighborhood. 

“This is a cute subdivision.” You smiled over at Javi, admiring the houses, charming and inviting as they were freshly decorated from Halloween. 

“Yeah, it is pretty nice.” He grinned back, wrapping his palm around your thigh, giving your leg a little squeeze. He took a deep breath, his voice now shifting in tone, becoming more shaky and nervous. “Would you uh- would you, um, wanna live in a neighborhood like this?” 

“Maybe. I don’t know, the houses are all really close together. I spent so much of my life in the city, and even at my house growing up, everything always felt so cramped. After coming here, especially after seeing your ranch, I don’t know, I would love to be somewhere with more space. But that’s a big ask, so, maybe one day if it works out, I guess.” You reached over, rubbing your hand along Javi’s arm, your soft smile meeting his tender gaze as he smirked, nodding to himself. 

“Yeah, one day.” 

Taking a last turn down one of the neighborhood streets, the two of you pulled up to the quaint two story home belonging to the Murphy’s. Turning off the ignition, Javi paused for a moment, grinning to himself as he ran the hand resting on your leg up to your face, cupping your check as his eyes roamed the length of your body, taking every inch of you in as his sweet brown eyes consumed you. “I love you, Osita.”  

“I love you too, Jav.” Both of your heads tilted, your lips gently pressing against one anothers as you traced your hand through Javi’s dark curls, pulling him closer into you. You could feel his smile against your mouth as his tongue barely swiped against your bottom lip, the two of you so lost in the moment, you hadn’t even seen Steve make his way out of the house to greet you, let alone the fact that he was now standing at the driver’s side door, hands on his hips as he watched your impromptu makeout session in Javi’s truck. 

“You two lovebirds want help bringin’ your bags in, or do I need to give you a minute?” Steve chuckled to himself as you and Javi shot up, hearts racing and faces going white hearing his distinct drawl and rapid tapping at the driver’s side window. Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Javi placed one more soft kiss on your forehead before promptly turning around to flip off Steve and opening the driver’s side door. “You two are worse than a pair of horny teenagers, I swear.” You could hear Steve still snickering to himself as you exited out your side of the car, making your way over to find Javi and Steve in a tight hug, lovingly patting each other on the back. 

“Fuck off, Murph.” Javi shook his head against Steve’s embrace, pulling away to grab your two bags from the backseat. 

“Listen, I’m not the one makin’ out in my driveway.” Steve shrugged as you sheepishly emerged from your side of the truck, smiling at you as grimaced at him. 

“He started it…” You glanced over at Javi, you and Steve now both giggling as he pulled you in for a hug. 

“Of course he did, wouldn’t put anything past this old bastard. How ya doin’ sweetheart? Good to see the both of you, we’re really glad you guys could make it. 

“She’s doing great after the hour and a half nap she took on the way here.” Javi interjected, slamming the truck door behind him, slinging both of your bags over his shoulder. 

“Whatever, you meanie. In my defense, I was not planning to sleep that long, and I think Halloween exhaustion got the best of me.” You shot Javi a quick wink, trying to bite down on your lip before turning back to face Steve. 

“Listen, I don’t blame ya. I’m fuckin’ exhausted after trick-or-treating with 3 kids, let alone tryin’ to keep ‘em wrangled at school all day. I love those girls, but I don’t think I could've gotten them in my parents car fast enough when they came to pick ‘em up this morning. Here, come on in, I won’t make you stand out in the driveway all day, unless you need to make out more.” 

As you stepped into the Murphy home, you were greeted by an abundance of Halloween streamers and banners hanging in the living room and up the stairwell to the second floor, along with a few Barbie dolls and accessories scattered across the entryway, nearly stepping on one as you came through the door. You could smell the sweet scent of something baking in the kitchen as Connie came rushing through the hallway, arms outstretched to greet you and Javi. “Oh it’s so good to see you two, thank you so much for coming!” Connie squeezed you and Javi in a tight hug before she backed away, kicking one of the toys on the floor across the room. “Sorry about the Barbies, I told the girls to clean up before they left for their grandparents this morning but I think all 3 of them are still running on a sugar high from last night and that obviously didn’t happen.” 

“Thank you so much for having us! Don’t worry about it at all, I totally understand! Javi was just telling me on the way over how much he was hoping the girls had Barbies he could play with anyways!” The 3 of you laughed as Javi rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as you gave him a smirk and a little nudge. 

“Fuck, I forgot how funny she was Jav.” Steve snickered to himself, picking up one of the Barbies and tossing it across the room into one of the toy baskets along the wall. “Seriously though, we are really glad you guys could make it. Your birthday party was fun as hell, old man. Glad to be close enough to actually see each other and do stuff like this again.” 

Before Javi would respond, you all jumped, startled by the sound of the kitchen timer beeping rapidly from the other room. “Oh crap, sorry, I gotta grab the cupcakes out of the oven!” Connie grimaced apologetically, making her way back to the kitchen. 

“Do you need any help?” You asked, excited to spend more time with Connie. 

“Oh my gosh actually if you could help with frosting the cupcakes that would be amazing. I made these yesterday for Olivia and Abby’s class parties, and I had no idea it was gonna take so long and was worried I wasn’t going to have enough time for all of them before the party! Thank you!” 

“Of course!” You replied, grinning at her before following her lead to the kitchen, giving a little wave as you disappeared around the hall, looking back at Steve and Javi. “Have fun, you two.” 

Steve paused for a moment until the both of you were out of sight, waiting to forcefully slap his hand against Javi’s chest, making him groan from the unexpected pain. 

“What the fuck was that for, you jackass?” Javi winced, glaring at Steve. 

“Where the fuck’s the ring, man?! Steve hissed through gritted teeth, looking back at Javi in disappointment. “I thought you were gonna fuckin’ do it after you got back from Chicago and met her family?! I thought everything was all good with- oh shit, did something happen with the ho-” 

“Shhhhhh! You fuckin’ idiot, please, talk louder, I don’t think the people at the end of the street could hear you.” Javi looked around the corner, clenching his jaw, praying that you hadn’t heard anything from the kitchen. 

“I’m not that fuckin’ loud… Shit, what the fuck happened then?” Steve grumbled, looking over at Javi with concern. 

“Can we maybe talk about proposal plans somewhere that’s not right by the woman I’m trying to propose to?” Running his thumb over his balled fists, Javi’s eyes darted back and forth, staying on the lookout for your return. 

“Fine, fine, fine. I’ll show you where the guest room is and then you can tell me.” Steve motioned up the stairs, Javi trailing behind with both your bags draped around his shoulders

“Was I really that fuckin’ loud?” 

“…Have you heard yourself talk?” 

“So how’s everything been going at work? There definitely was a full moon sometime in the past week because things were crazy at the hospital, I’m sure they had to be equally as bad at an elementary school.” You and Connie giggled as you squeezed a dollop of orange frosting onto one of the cupcakes before taking one of the little bags to pipe on eyes and a mouth to make it look like a pumpkin. 

“Oh my god, I think it must have been on Wednesday, I had a boy cut another girl’s hair with scissors and then had to call another parent because her daughter bit another kid at recess pretending to play werewolves. I felt really bad we didn’t come last night, I was exhausted after our Halloween party, I fell asleep on poor Javi at like, 8 o’clock.” 

Although you found yourself laughing with Connie again, you couldn’t help but shake the uncomfortable feeling you had in your gut as you thought about after you had woken up in the middle of the night to find Javi wide awake and distressed. You carefully set down your spatula, taking a deep breath before glancing over at Connie, still frosting next to you. “Hey, uh, Connie? Can, um- Can I ask you something?” Connie immediately sensed the shift in your tone, putting down her cupcake. 

“Of course, honey. What’s going on?” 

“Did um, did- Did Steve ever- ever talk to you? About all the stuff that happened in Colombia? I mean like, I know you were there, but I don’t know. Sorry, I don’t know what I’m trying to ask, this is probably way too personal, I-” You could feel yourself shrinking, retracting in embarrassment at your overly intrusive question, unable to finish your thought before Connie cut you off, placing her hand on your shoulder. 

“Oh, honey…” Her eyes were filled with sympathy as they looked back at yours, letting out a sigh before she responded. “Did something happen?” You began to nod your head no, even though you could feel the words yes burning in your throat. You took another shaky breath, trying to hold back the tears now welling in your eyes as you spoke. 

“No I mean- well, yeah, I guess. Last night, I woke up and Javi wasn’t in bed. He was out in the living room and I could tell that something was bothering him. I don’t know- maybe it was nothing. I just- when my brothers came back from active duty, there were a lot of things that kind of just went unspoken. I knew it was hard for them to talk about. Charlie handled it okay, but my brother Patrick never wanted to talk to anyone about what happened, and it just- I don’t know Connie, I don’t think Javi would ever do anything stupid like he did, but- fuck- it scares me sometimes. I know Javi’s done things that he’s probably not proud of, and I get it’s part of the nature of what his job was. I don’t care. I really don’t. People do shitty things when they’re put in shitty situations. But he never talks about it. Ever. Does… Does he not trust me? I care about him so much, Con. More than anything. I get so worried about him.” 

Your tears were now streaming down your cheeks, leaving your face wet as you wiped the back of your hand across your skin to try and do some form of damage control before Connie embraced you, pulling you in for a hug, tightly wrapping her arms around you. “Oh sweetheart. Of course he trusts you. When Steve came back, he was a mess. I don’t think it really all hit him until he was finally home. I guess you’re right, it was different because I was there, but even then, there were things that happened that I didn’t know about. After begging and begging him, I finally got him to go to see someone and it really helped, but even now, there’s times where it still creeps up on him. Honey, Javi loves you so much. I didn’t think I’d ever live to see the day he was in love as he is with you. If he’s anything like Steve, he just doesn't wanna hurt you.” 

You sniffled, taking a step back to wipe your nose with your sleeve, your lip trembling as you tried to keep from crying harder than you already were. “But that’s what hurts, Connie. It hurts me to think he has to keep this from me, like I’m gonna think less of him for what he’s been through.” 

“I know. Have you talked to him about it?” Connie’s voice was gentle and sweet, rubbing her hand along your arm as she listened to what you needed to get off your chest. 

“No… I guess I should have. I never wanted to pry. I know it’s hard to talk about, I just- I wanna be there for him Connie. I don’t want him to have to do it all on his own.” You shifted your gaze to the ground, guilt washing over you. After Patrick, you couldn’t live with the idea of letting Javi try to suffer through his past alone. You loved him more than anything- and even the slightest thought of going through anything similar to what had happened to Patrick again with Javi was almost paralyzing. 

“I think the best thing you can do is to go talk to him.” Looking back up, you saw Connie smiling at you, trying to convince you that everything would be okay, even if it felt like it wasn’t. “Why don’t you go find him? Party’s starting soon anyways, you can go change into your costumes and come down wherever you’re ready. I’ll be just fine with the cupcakes, tell Steve can put himself to work frosting.” The both of you grinned as you tried to wipe your tears, nodding slowly in agreement. 

“Thanks, Connie.” You whispered into her shoulder as you pulled her in for a hug before heading up the stairs to find where Javi and Steve had gone. It didn’t take you long to find the pair, hearing their voices carry through the hallway from the slightly cracked door of the guest bedroom. You were about to knock and interrupt their conversation, stopping yourself with your fist barely touching the door as you tried to make out what they were talking about. 

“The offer was in fucking cash, too. I was trying to make it easier so I could speed up the process, but it’s been taking them so goddamn long to close on everything so I can finally go sign the fucking paperwork.” 

“That fuckin’ blows, Jav. I’m sorry. It’s not like she knows any better, though. It’ll still be a huge fuckin’ surprise, I’ll tell you that much.” 

“I know. It’s been killing me to wait this long. I just want it to be perfect, Steve. She deserves everything. Honestly, I’m kinda glad it bought me some more time. I need to find a way to get her to see it before everything’s official in case she fucking hates it.” 

“Javi. She’s not gonna hate it. Fuck it, tell her Connie and I are lookin’ for somethin’ and we wanted you two to go see it for us. I don’t know, maybe that’s too obvious. Speakin’ of which, I should probably go check to see if she needs anything before this party, I’m already in the fuckin’ dog house for forgettin’ to bring the girl’s trick-or-treatin’ bags to school, I don’t need to be in trouble for anything else.” 

What the hell were they talking about? What was Javi signing? Why was it taking so long? What the hell did it have to do with you? Wait… holy fuck. No way… Was he- 

Before you could finish your thought, you suddenly realized Steve was making his way towards the door. You quickly rapped your fist against the wood, trying to play off the fact you had been eavesdropping and make it look like you had just unassumingly made your way upstairs, not overhearing the conversation the two were just having. 

Knock, knock. 

“Hey, it’s me! Uh, Steve, Con wants to know if you can help her with the cupcakes really quick.” You pushed open the door, trying your best to smile at the suspicious pair as Steve shook his head, looking back at Javi. 

“It’s always fuckin’ somethin’. I don’t even know what I did wrong this time, I swear.” Steve held up his hands defensively, sliding his way past you in the doorway before heading downstairs, leaving you standing there awkwardly, unsure how to feel after your conversation with Connie and the one you had just overheard. 

“Hey, Osita. How’s everything goin’ down there? Sorry, we were just about to come down and- Hey, baby, you okay?” Javi stood up, concern spreading across his face from the strange scrunch in your brow as you stared at the floor. 

“Ummmm…” You froze for a moment, unsure of what to do. On the one hand, your conversation with Connie had you ready to confront Javi, to finally work up the courage to ask him about the past life he had tried his best to keep from you. But as you glanced over at him, seeing his sweet brown eyes and stupidly handsome face, remembering the discussion you had just overheard through the doorway, the other hand meant you weren’t at risk of ruining your night that the two of you had been so looking forward to, and right now, the other hand was going to have to be the one you needed to play. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good, I just- I was gonna ask you something but forgot what I was gonna say. I’m sure I’ll remember it eventually.” You smiled at Javi, neither of you completely convinced by your response. “But um, Connie said that people are gonna start getting here soon, so we can change into our costumes if you want.” A smirk slowly stretched across your cheeks as you nodded over to the black duffle bags laying on the bed. 

Javi’s grin matched yours quickly, grabbing your hips and pulling you closer against him as you giggled. “You sure we’re not gonna be the only ones dressed up?” 

“Well considering it’s a Halloween party and I literally just talked to Connie about what she and Steve are wearing downstairs, I’m gonna give it a pretty confident yes. Worst case, it just looks like you’re wearing a white shirt and vest, Mr. Solo. You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking nerf herder.” You raised your eyebrows, playfully poking at his chest. Javi paused, shaking his head at your quote, firing one right back at you as he bit down on his lip. 

“You just like me because I’m a scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life.” 

“I happen to like nice men.” 

“I am a nice man.”  

Javi cupped your face, pulling you in for a long, heavy kiss before backing away to unpack your bags, shooting you a quick wink as you rolled your eyes. Jesus, he even found a way to make Star Wars sexy. Just when you thought you couldn’t be anymore in love, Javier Peña never failed to find a way to make you realize you’d never stop falling for him. 

After putting in what felt like the 74th bobby pin into your hair after getting the last braid wrapped over your head, you gave yourself a once over in the mirror, pleasantly surprised by how well your costume had turned out. While Javi was disappointed you were adamant you were not going as Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi and showing up in front of a group of strangers at Steve and Connie’s party in her slave costume, you and Javi both agreed that Hoth Princess Leia was definitely the next best look. Staring at you with his puppy dog eyes, Javi had been adamant about waiting with you as you finished getting ready, leaning his hip against the bathroom counter, arms crossed over his chest as he watched you finish the last of your hair and makeup. 

“Okay, I think that should stay. All those years of braiding my hair for under my hockey helmet are finally coming in handy for something.” You snickered, pushing the final clip into your hair to hold it into place, giving yourself a once over in the mirror. As you looked yourself down, Javi’s eyes wandered up and down your body just as fast, practically undressing you as fast as you had put your costume on. 

“Goddamn, Osita… Fuck, you’re so hot.” 

“Me? Jesus Christ, Javi. You put Harrison Ford to shame with how fucking good you look. I like Han Solo better with a mustache anyways.” You licked your tongue against your bottom lip, running your hands along the muscles of his arms, straining against the tight henley shirt he was wearing under his vest. You were no better than Javi, practically having to force yourself to not look in his general direction while you were getting ready to prevent yourself from pouncing on him. But given the lack of chatter downstairs, and the impressive speed at which the two of you had gotten ready, you really couldn’t help yourself. Slowly, you let your hands begin to slip down his arms and across his chest, palming at the denim of his black jeans as he let out a deep groan. 

“Hermosa…” He hissed against your neck as you grasped at the bulge now growing under his pants, your other hand now making its way down to undo his belt, the clinking of the metal drowned out by Javi’s heavy panting. You began lowering your body, sliding Javi’s pants and boxers down his thighs as his cock sprang free, his tip already red and leaking with precum. You rested on your knees, face to face with his length as you wrapped your hand around him, slowly stroking him a few times. 

“This okay, Captain Solo?” You batted your lashes at him, giving him a wink before letting your spit dribble onto his cock, taking his tip into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it. Curling your fingers around his base, you began to twist your wrist, hollowing out your cheeks as you took him deeper into your mouth. 

“Oh, fuck me. Holy shit, Osita.” He moaned, tilting his head back, letting his jaw go slack as your head bobbed back and forth. He gently rested his hand along the side of your face, helping to guide you along his length as you took him deeper and deeper down your throat. “Jesus Christ, baby. Fuck, that feels so good. You look so hot, god fuckin’ dammit.” Javi’s words were labored and shaky as you started to increase your pace, wrapping your free hand around the back of his bare thigh, digging your fingertips into his leg. Feeling the pressure beginning to build in his stomach, Javi began rocking his hips, his jaw completely slack as he looked down at the sight of how well you took him in your mouth, saliva dribbling down your chin as sucked along his cock, hard and heavy on your tongue. “Fuck, Osita. I’m not gonna last much longer. Can I cum like this, baby? Fill up that- fuck- fill up that pretty little mouth of yours?”” 

You glanced up at him, nodding, your lips still wrapped around his dick, the motions of your head and wrist now becoming faster and sloppier as you watched Javi’s brow scrunch and jaw clench, a sign you knew all too well that he was moments away from coming undone. 

“Such a good fucking girl, taking me so well. Fuck, baby- shit- se sientes tan bien, estoy tan cercaaahhhhhh-” (you feel so good, I’m so closeeeee-). The hot ropes of his spend coated the back of your throat, the salty, tangy mix filling your mouth as Javi whined, giving his hips one last push as kept your lips wrapped around him, making sure that you had milked him of every last drop before releasing. Letting your spit and his release fall from the corners of your lips, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, smirking up at Javi’s blissed out expression. “Jesus Christ, Osita. You’re too fucking good at that. Holy shit. Lemme take care of-“ 

You held up your hand to stop him as you stood up, your gesture cutting off the rest of his sentence as you helped to pull up his jeans and boxers still resting along his thighs. “I’m allowed to give my hot ass boyfriend blowjobs without anything in return. C’mon, we better get downstairs before Steve walks in on us again.” You pressed up on your tiptoes, planting a quick kiss on Javi’s lips as he reached down to buckle his belt before the two of you tried your best to fix yourself up in the mirror to avoid the inevitable shit Steve was about to give the both of you. Giving Javi a quick nod in the mirror before turning off the light and heading out the door, he gave your ass a playful smack, making you squeal in surprise, making you turn on your heels. Resting his hand on his hip, he beamed at you, biting down on his lip. 

“Fuck, I love you.” 

“I know.” 

The Murphy’s living room had begun to pool with guests as you made your way down the stairs, looking for Steve and Connie amongst the crowd. You and Javi both grabbed a beer from the cooler at the bottom of the stairwell, quickly turning around as you heard Steve’s familiar twang approaching behind you. 

“Well I’ll be damned. You got this motherfucker in a costume? He must really love you.” Steve chuckled, shaking Javi by the shoulders. “And Star Wars too?! You asshole, how many times did I try to tell you they were good fuckin’ movies?! You shoulda dressed him up like Jabba the Hut.” You and Steve cackled as Javi rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and what the fuck are you supposed to be? A sad pirate?” Javi jabbed, poking fun at Steve’s poorly put together costume. 

“Listen, Olivia and Abby both wanted to be the Little Mermaid, so we had two Ariel’s, Con was Ursula, Madison was the yellow fish and I didn’t wanna be that annoying ass crab, so pirate it was, asshole.” Steve retorted, punching at Javi’s arm, the two of them laughing at each other like little boys. “Alright, go enjoy yourselves lovebirds, I’ll see ya in a little bit. And Javi?”

“Yeah Murph?” 

“You really gotta start checkin’ your pants, buddy.” 

Javi’s cheeks turned red, his eyes darting down to his zipper, still all the way undone from your activities upstairs, the both of you grimacing at each other, sheepishly avoiding eye contact with Steve as he disappeared into the crowd. 

It really wasn’t a surprise to Javi how many friends the Murphy’s had already managed to make in their time since moving to San Antonio. Their house was quickly crowded with all sorts of people- Steve and Connie’s co-workers, neighbors, parents of friends Olivia and Abby had made at school, regardless of where the party goers were from, everyone had collectively agreed to make adult Halloween just as fun as any kids. You and Javi were having a great time catching up with Steve and Connie, as well as meeting some of their other close friends, one of Connie’s neighbors being an elementary school teacher, giving you two plenty to commiserate about from the hellish week it had been. It didn’t take long for the party to move outside, Steve drunkenly deciding that he needed to make a bonfire, despite adamant argument that with the amount of alcohol Steve had in his system, he was going to spontaneously combust if he got close enough to a flame. Javi, sober enough to still help his friend make rational decisions, was glad that Steve was happy to let him build the bonfire. 

“The force is strong with you, Han Solo.” You giggled, Javi wrapping his arm around your shoulder, pressing a soft kiss into your forehead as the two of you stared into the flickering orange glow of the fire pit. 

“Not strong enough to extinguish Steve if he got close enough to it. Hey, I got shit all over my hands, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and wash ‘em off. You need anything while I’m inside, Princess?” You smiled as you nudged Javi at the nickname he had been adamant about using since you had put on your costume. 

“I’m good, thank you. I’m gonna go wait over on the swingset so I don’t completely reek of bonfire later.” Javi nodded as he slid his hand down your back, giving your ass a quick squeeze before making his way through the crowd, heading towards the house. Surprised no one else had capitalized on the chance to sit down, you wandered over to the wooden playset at the corner of the Murphy’s backyard, taking a seat on one of the plastic swings, kicking your feet against the grass below. 

“Hey, there she is! How goes it, Leia?” Taking a few long strides through the yard, Steve was now quickly making his way over to you, stumbling over his own feet as he somehow managed to sit himself down on the swing next to you. You tried your best not to laugh at Steve’s drunken state, but his current antics weren’t making it very easy on you. 

“I could ask the same to you. You doin’ okay there, pirate?” 

“Fuck sweetheart, I’m doin’ fuckin’ great. Where’s the asshole?” 

“Inside, I’m sure he’ll be back out soon.” You snickered at Steve watching the beer dribble down his chin from the overly confident swig he had taken. 

“Good, I don’t need ‘em right now. You were the one I was lookin’ for.” Steve pointed in your general direction, but clearly wasn’t aware enough to hit his target head on. 

“Me?” You laughed, pointing back to yourself. 

“Yes, you. You talk to him yet?”

“About?” You paused, wondering if Steve had any inkling of the conversation you were planning to have earlier, or if he was drunkenly deciding you and Javi needed to discuss something else. 

“You know about what. I talked to Connie earlier. I figured I owed it to you to come talk to you about it, too.” 

Your heart began to race, that uncomfortable feeling once again beginning to churn in your stomach as you thought about the things you and Connie had discussed earlier. “Steve, you don’t owe me anything, I-” 

“No, I do. Hold on a second.” Steve turned away, letting out a hearty burp, pouding on his chest before facing back towards you. “Sorry, I’ve been holdin’ that in for like 10 minutes, I needed to let it out. Anyways… What was I sayin’? Oh shit, yeah, the grumpy bastard. Listen, sweetheart. I know it’s gonna fuckin’ suck,  but you gotta be the one to bring it up and talk to him about it. If I know anything about that motherfucker, it’s that he will bottle things up for way too fuckin’ long until someone gets it out of him. He’s a good guy. He says he’s not, but he is. Saved my ass more times than I can count. That job made us do some fucked up shit neither of us are fuckin’ proud of. But that doesn’t mean he gets to keep it from you. I swear to God, that asshole is so fuckin’ in love with you, it makes me sick. You make him so happy. He just doesn’t wanna fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to him.” 

You weren’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but in that moment, all you could manage was to reach over to the swing next to you, pulling Steve in for a hug as you tried to keep your tears from staining his shirt. “Thanks, Steve.” You whispered, leaning back into your seat, using your sleeve to wipe the wetness from your cheeks. 

“I know you love him too. You deserve to know. Don’t let him be a stubborn jackass to you, okay? I’m bein’ serious. I should be the one thankin’ you though, honey. In all the years I’ve known him, I never thought I’d see ‘em this happy. I promise I won’t get this drunk at your wedding.” Steve winked, straining to push himself up out of the swing, somehow managing to catch his balance as he stumbled into the grass. 

“You do make a very inspirational drunk, Steve.” You laughed to yourself, looking up at him with a genuine smile. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome. Alright, enough sap, I’m gonna go get another fuckin’ beer, I’ll see ya around okay?” 

“Okay, maybe a water would be good for you, too.” 

“Water’s for pussies.” 

“Water’s good for people who don’t want raging hangovers tomorrow.” 

“Pirates are always drunk, so I’ll be fuckin’ fine.” 

“Whatever you say, Steve.” 

It didn’t take long for Javi to return, easily spotting his tall, broad body making his way through the crowd, beaming at you as he walked over to the swings. You tried your best to smile back at him with the uneasy pounding in your chest quickly building, feeling your heartbeat in your throat. “Hey, Hermosa. Sorry it took so long, I ended up stopping to get another drink on the-“ 

“Do- Javi, do you trust me?” 

Your words were quiet and blunt as they rolled off your tongue, your eyes peeled on your feet kicking through the grass beneath you. 

Javi’s brow immediately scrunched in confusion, completely off put by your question and demeanor. “Do I- Baby, what are you talking about? Of course I trust you? What’s going on?” Setting down his drink, he began making his way next to you in frantic, worried strides. 

“Then why won’t you talk to me about it?” Your eyes darted from the ground up to his, his sweet brown eyes swirling with confusion at the firm tone of your voice and desperation growing across your face. 

“Talk to you about what? Hermosa, what’s going on? Is everything ok-” 

“Why won’t you talk to me about Colombia?” 

 Javi took a step back. He wasn’t sure if it was out of defense, or absolute shock from the words that had just fallen out of your mouth. He stared at you for a moment, his jaw locking as you could see how hard he swallowed, trying to bide his time as he calculated his response. 

“Osita… It’s not that simple.” 

“That’s not an answer.” 

“I don’t understand why we’re talking about this. Baby, if this is because of last night, you don’t need to worry about me, can we please just drop it?” The two of you faced each other in an unspoken standoff, Javi’s hands now resting on his hips as you crossed your arms over your chest. You had tried so hard to be patient, but in the moment, it was like all of your frustration was beginning to boil over. 

“That’s exactly why we’re talking about this, Javi. Because I fucking worry about you. All the time. I’ve tried so hard to be patient. I’ve never, ever tried to get you to talk about it because I know it’s fucking hard. But last night, you’re up at 2 A.M, wandering around the apartment, and I’m begging you to tell me what’s wrong and you won’t fucking do it. I’m not an idiot, Javi. I can’t live in this weird in between space in your life where you pretend your past doesn’t exist when I know it still fucking haunts you. Why won’t you just talk to me about it?” 

Javi could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his palms sweating as they clenched in tight fists at his sides. He tried so desperately to find an answer, something, anything he could tell you to try and justify his choices. The choices he had kept from you. The choices he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Because, I- fuck- because, goddamnit, I just- I was a terrible fucking person, okay? The things I did, they were-” 

“What? Fucked up? Painful? Shitty? Of course they fucking were, Javi. You were literally in Colombia chasing down Pablo Fucking Escobar. What did you think I thought you were doing down there? Filing away paperwork? You don’t think I know that you did things you regret? That you’ve hurt people? Made choices that hurt innocent people who didn’t deserve it? I know Javi, I fucking know. I watched my brothers come back from the same goddamn thing. I tried so hard to give them space, to let them come to terms with the fucked up things they did on their own, and you know what fucking happened? One of them’s fucking dead because of it. I can’t let it happen again. I don’t care about what you did. It doesn’t make you a bad person. But you can’t try and hide it from me and pretend like it doesn’t exist. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. But I can’t if you don’t trust me. Please trust me. Please. I love you so much, Javi. I can’t lose you.” 

Javi stood in silence, as the both of you fought the tears streaming down your cheeks. He wasn’t sure if he had just been hit in the gut with a giant sucker punch, or if the weight of the world had just been lifted off his shoulders. He truly didn’t know how to feel. He wasn’t even sure if he had heard you correctly. Did you really just tell him that you knew about the fucked up, terrible things he had done and that you didn’t care? That you still fucking loved him? All you wanted was for him to trust that you wanted to be there for him? He could feel his hands trembling and lip quivering as he tried to find the words to speak.

 “Osita… I- fuck, baby. Osita, I’m so sorry. I trust you with my fucking life. You- You don’t deserve to have to deal with with all the fucked up things I’ve done. I don’t wanna scare you away, baby. You’re the best thing that’s ever fucking happened to me and I was so terrified if you found out about the terrible person I used to be, you’d leave. It’s not fair to you, I can’t expect you to carry the weight of all the fucking things I’ve done, too. I’m so sorry.” Quietly, Javi sat down next to you on the empty swing, burying his hands in his face. Gently, you reached over, pulling his hands away, forcing him to look at you. 

“Whatever you tell me isn’t gonna scare me away. I promise. The only thing that’s gonna scare me is when you try to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. Javi… Javi, I just- I just wanna be there for you. I don’t want you to have to do it alone. I’d do anything for you. I trust you more than anyone. You’re my best friend. I just- fuck- I just want you to trust that I’ll always be there for you to. I promise.” 

And just like that, the last brick holding up the wall between you and Javier Peña collapsed. There was nothing left to run from. Nothing left to hide. After he returned home, he was a changed man. He had hated the person he had become. Maybe there was a part of him that didn’t want to be loved, because he didn’t believe that he deserved to be. But then, there was you. 

You. 

You had taken everything he had known and changed his life for the better. You had become his better half, the person he loved more than anyone in the world. You had proved he was worthy of more than just existing- you had proved to Javi that he was worth the love and happiness you had promised him from the moment you had come into his life and made it worth living for. 

“You promise?” 

“I promise. Always.” 

The way Javi grabbed you and wrapped you in his arms, grasping at the back of your shirt as he pulled you in tighter, feeling the hot breath of his silent sobs against your shoulder told you everything you needed to know. You didn’t know much, but if there was one thing you did know, it was that you loved Javier Peña more than life itself. As quickly as it had felt like your life had fallen apart, he had come into it and picked up the broken pieces to put it back together. And on an October night in San Antonio, sitting on an old wooden swing set in the Murphy’s backyard, you hoped that Javi knew that you would always be there to pick up the shattered parts of his past, too. 

You weren’t sure how many hours had passed as you sat hand in hand in the swings with Javi as you listened to anything and everything he had to say. Long after the backyard was empty, and the bonfire had faded to embers and ashes, and the only one left awake besides the two of you was Connie, trying to drag Steve back inside from the plastic lawn chair he had passed out on, you finally made your way up to bed for the best sleep the two of you had in a very, very long time. Your goodbyes to the Murphy’s had been short and sweet- Connie exhausted from the late night, and Steve barley coherent from how hungover he was, you were still both so thankful the two of you had made the journey out to see them, and the both of you, just as grateful for the sweet and supportive life long friends you knew the Murphy’s would become. Most of your drive back to Laredo was spent in a comfortable silence, the golden sunrise spilling through the windows of Javi’s truck as you cruised down the highway, Javi’s hand never leaving yours, your fingers intertwined together as his thumb gently rubbed against your soft skin and your head rested against his broad shoulder. 

“How are you feeling about seeing your mom today?” You asked, lightly squeezing his arm as you smiled up at him, now exiting off the freeway quickly approaching the cemetery where you planned to meet Chucho to celebrate Día De Los Muertos, trying your best to comfort Javi as he prepared to see his mom’s gravesite for the first time since her funeral almost a decade ago. Javi let out a quiet sigh, his grip tightening just a little tighter around your hand as he looked over at you, a surprisingly calm look flooding his face. 

“I’m actually doing okay. Better than I would have thought. I think I was always so worried that she wouldn’t be proud of me and the man I’d become after she was gone. I um- I finally think that she’d be proud of me now.” He glanced over at you, his smile soft and tender as he soaked in the reason for his pride sitting right beside him. 

You noticed Chucho’s truck as you pulled up to park along the edge of the small cemetery, Chucho excitedly waving you down as you both hopped out of the car. Walking around to Javi, you were quick to grab his hand, giving him a reassuring grip as the two of you made your way through the gravestones along the thin cobblestone path towards Chucho, already arranging the items he had collected for Lucia’s ofrenda. 

“Hola, niños.” Chucho grinned, wrapping his arms around the both of you. “I’m so glad you’re here.” 

“Thanks for letting me be a part of today, Chucho. I know… Well, I just- I’m really honored to- just, thank you.” Chucho wasted no time pulling you into your own hug, his rough and worn hands holding you by the shoulders as he looked at you with misty eyes. 

“Mija, I should be thanking you. If it wasn’t for you, I don’t know if we would all be here today. Lucia’s last wish to me was that I would promise to make sure Javier was happy. Now hija, I think my sweet Lucia can rest a little easier knowing someone else has already fulfilled my promise for me.” As the two of you spoke, you hadn’t noticed as Javi had quietly stepped over to his mother’s gravestone, crouching next to it, his fingers delicately tracing along the engraved letters of her name, his other hand holding one of the marigold flowers Chucho had brought with him. The two of you watched quietly as Javi sat next to his mom, gently placing the flower on the shiny stone as he spoke. 

“Hola, mamá. Te extrañé. Siento haber tarado tanto.” (Hi mom. I missed you. I’m sorry I took so long). Javi’s voice trembled as he took a deep breath in, slowly exhaling as his hand rested on the stone, warm from the sun, shining brightly in the blue November sky. “Que estaba asustada de de verte porque estaba orgullosala de la persona en la que me había convertido. Que no quería decepcionarte. Tenía miedo mucho, mamá. Me sentí como si todo se derrumbase. solo quería olvidar. Pero entonces…” (I was scared to see you because I wasn’t proud of the person I’d become. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I was so scared, mom. I felt like I let everyone down. I just wanted to forget. But then…).  Javi turned his head, seeing you and Chucho, arm in arm, a smile growing across his face as looked back at the two people in life he loved the most. He took an extra moment to stare at you and the soft grin spread between your cheeks, basking in the comfort and warmth of the woman who had forever changed his life for the better. “Pero entonces, mamá, La conocí. Que es perfecta. Nunca supe que podías amar tanto a alguien. Ella es lo mejor que me ha pasado. La habrías amado.ella es una maestra, tambien.  A veces me pregunto qué ve en mí. No sé qué hice para merecerse. voy a pedirle que se case conmigo.Cuidaré bien de ella. Ella se merece todo lo que le pueda dar y más. Espero que estés orgulloso de mí, mamá. te echo mucho, Pero le juro a usted, al fin soy feliz. Te amo, mamá.”  (But then, mom, I met her. She is perfect. I never knew you could love someone so much. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You would have loved her. She’s a teacher too. Sometimes, I wonder what she sees in me. I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I’m gonna ask her to marry me. I’m gonna take such good care of her. She deserves everything I can give her and more. I hope you’re proud of me, mamá. I miss you so much, but I promise you, I’m finally happy. I love you, mom.) 

With a gentle nudge from Chucho, you softly stepped behind Javi, gently placing your hands on his shoulders before he rose up and you wrapped your arms around his waist, resting your head against his chest as he wiped away the tears welling behind his eyes. Staring down at Lucia’s gravestone, Javi ran his hand through your hair, carefully planting a kiss against your head and burying his nose in the soft waves of your hair. 

“I wish I would have had the chance to have met you, Mrs. Peña. I would have had someone else to commensurate with over all of the crazy teaching stories I’m sure the both of us have. Maria, Estelle and Linda all miss you a lot too, but I’m sure they haven’t changed a bit. Thanks for raising such a good son. I don’t know what I would do without him. I know he says that he doesn’t know what he did to deserve me, but I really think it should be the other way around. I promise I’ll look out for him.” You tried your best to smile through your soft sobs, looking up at Javi, tears streaming down his wet cheeks. It wasn’t long before Chucho had snuck up behind you, patting each of you on the back before smiling down at Lucia, too. 

“Estos dos están tan enamorados, Lucia. Tal vez más que tú y yo. Ella es una buena chica. Estoy muy contenta de que ella sea parte de nuestra familia. Finalmente tendremos a nuestros nietos, también.”  (These two are so in love, Lucia. Maybe even more than you and I. She is a great girl. I am so happy she is a part of our family. We are finally going to get our grandchildren, too). Chucho winked, nudging Javi in the side, forcing him to laugh through his tears, shaking his head at his dad’s comment. “Now, no more tears, you two. This is a happy day. Your mamá is smiling down on you, and I can almost hear here scolding me to keep you from crying anymore. C’mon, let’s decorate and eat, I even brought pozole.” 

The three of you spent the next hour decorating Lucia’s grave with bright orange and gold cempazuchitl (marigold flowers) and little Calaveras (sugar skulls) painted in bold colors and refined details, sharing and laughing about Javi’s favorite memories of his mother while snacking on the Pozole Chucho had brought to share. For the first time in a long time, Javi no longer felt guilt and grief when he thought about his mom- her memory filled him with love and joy. He wasn’t the same bitter, broken man he was when he had said his final goodbyes to his mother all those years ago. While he wished he could change the past, the reality of the present, and his future finally brought him peace, knowing he could be proud of the man he had become, thanks to you. 

As Javi helped Chucho to clean up the extra flowers and decorations he had brought, you couldn’t help yourself from reaching at the wrinkled photo you had shoved in your pocket as you had packed up to leave from the Murphy’s this morning. You carefully took it out, holding it gently in your hands as you tried to uncrinkle the edges. “You ready, Hermosa?” Javi called out, now a few steps ahead of you, making his way back towards the truck. “Hermosa?” He asked again, thinking perhaps you hadn’t heard him the first time. When he was greeted by silence again, he looked back to see you staring at the crumpled photo in your hands. 

“I um- I know that he isn’t buried here, and uh, if you don’t want me to, it’s okay- but um- is it, is it alright if I leave a couple flowers for Patrick?” You sniffed, a tear dropping down on the photo of the two of you, Patrick holding you in a headlock as you laughed with a wide, toothy grin, drowning in one of his old Blackhawks jerseys that you were so excited to wear because it belonged to him. 

“Of course, Osita. Of course it is.” Javi smiled at you softly, turning back around with the tub of leftover decorations, making his way towards you. Quietly, you walked back over to Lucia’s gravestone, carefully setting down the picture of you and Patrick next to it, putting a few marigolds over top of it so it stayed pinned in place from the warm breeze. 

“I miss you, asshole. You deserved so much better. I hope you don’t still think that I hate you. I mean, I do, but you know what I mean. Honestly, you were lucky you didn’t have to live through the Blackhawks losing in the playoffs this year, that fucking sucked. Mom and Dad and Charlie and David all miss you too. I finally went back home to see them. It still wasn’t the same without you there, but I know you don’t hurt anymore. I hope that you don’t hurt anymore. I love you, Patrick. Crack open a cold one up there for me, okay?” Trying your best to not to uncontrollably sob, you sniffled, wiping the tears running down your face as you leaned your head against Javi’s chest. He ran his hand along your back as he held you tighter, letting you take a moment to get everything out before you took a deep breath, nodding your head as if to signify to Javi and yourself that you were okay. 

“You okay, Osita? We can take all the time you need, baby.” Javi whispered, pressing a gentle kiss into your shoulder. 

“No, I’m okay. I just- I wanted to do something for him, too. Thanks, Javi. I love you.” 

“I know.” 

After several more long hugs goodbye with Chucho, you and Javi began your journey back home, marveling at the beautiful sunset, painting the sky with bright pinks and oranges and the warmth and comfort of Lucia and Patrick’s presence. You were so lost in thought staring out at the fading sky, you hadn’t even noticed that Javi had detoured from your usual route home until he had said something to you. “You okay if we make a quick pit stop on the way home, Osita?” You nodded, smiling at the golden glow covering his face. It wasn’t long until you were veering off the main road, Javi turning to make his way down a tree lined gravel pathway with a “For Sale” sign posted in front of it. 

“For sale?” You questioned, looking over at Javi before peering out your window to watch the trees lining the path pass by you as the gravel crunched under the truck’s tires.

“Yeah, uh- I was talking with Steve at the party yesterday and he- uh, one of his buddies said he was looking to get out of the city- wanted a plot of land to build on. Said he had heard good things about Laredo but didn’t have time to go check things out for himself, so I told him I would go take a look around and let Steve know what I thought.” Javi replied, trying his best to sound nonchalant as you shrugged before looking back out the window. As you reached the end of the path, the trees opened to reveal a beautiful, lush green field, the sun setting perfectly along the rolling hills of the horizon in front of you. Turning off the ignition, Javi gestured for the both of you to get out of the truck so you could go take a look around. 

“Jav… This is beautiful.” You marveld, grinning as you took in the beauty of the open space drenched in golden sunset. 

“You like it?” Javi grinned, laughing as you spun around, the gentle breeze blowing your hair in and out of your face. 

“Oh my God, yeah. Tell Steve’s friend to get on this place ASAP before I scrounge up every penny I have and sell one of my kidneys on the black market to buy it from him. There doesn’t even need to be a house, I’ll just lay in the empty field, perfectly content.” You giggled, letting out a happy sigh as you grabbed Javi’s hand, leaning your head against his arm as you admired the sun slipping away below the horizon. 

“I’ll take that as a yes then. He said he’s wanting to build a house here, do you think- do you think that he would think it’s got enough space? It’s not too far from everything? I know it’s a little farther from downtown and a longer drive to work- if uh, if he works by where we do, you don’t think that’d be a problem? For him?” Javi squeezed back, trying his best not to stumble over his words. 

“Are you kidding me? It’s literally perfect out here, Javi. Could you imagine getting to see this every night? He better put some big windows on this house so he can get all of the sunlight, oh my god, it would be so pretty. It’s not even that far from everything, and the view makes the extra drive time worth every minute. I know it’s probably a far way off, and we haven’t really talked about it, but I would love to live at a place like this someday.” 

Javi smiled to himself, looking down at you as you rested against him, soaking in every ounce of you as he shifted his arm to wrap around your waist, gently rubbing his thumb along the soft hem of your shirt before letting out a content sigh. 

“Yeah. Me too.”

Taglist: @cool-iguana @rhoorl @whyjuliaaa @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @pedrobaby @fatima-marisa @beboldbebravethings @poodlebae @kittenlittle24 @3sriracha @jungchloee @perennialdoll247 @prettyinpunk85 @partyofone3413 @harriedandharassed @pedrohoe04 @theorganasolo @endlessthxxghts @blackfemalenerd

[herejusttosufferalong]

At this point, I feel like academic papers need to be written regarding PR and fandom culture, because it truly is getting to be an incredibly toxic and taxing thing that social media is just making worse.

Yes, LN is a real person who should be able to live his life and have a girlfriend he has been very explicit at times to refer to as a “loved one” or part of the stuff he keeps private that he cherishes. But at the same time, he went 6 months on promo that pushed the girlfriend off to the side (either or partly by his own choice) while very much embracing and amplifying a very affectionate and close relationship with his costar/friend all in an attempt to gain attention for a show, playing up attention from a very vocal fan base that is extremely invested. It isn’t just a piece of media for those fans, and PR def knows that. Unfortunately, actors are in a really delicate position because as much as they are themselves, they are also the most visible and therefore real part of their character, and people can’t always separate that. This is all to say that if you’re going to benefit from mixing/playing into the relationship between the actors and the characters, it should also be recognized what costs/considerations that will have.

Is this all out of hand at this point? Yeah. Do I think we would have always seen people lose their shit post S3 simply because they went SO HARD on promo for so long that suddenly not having content was gonna be like a detox? Absolutely. But some of this could have been avoided if they hadn’t made the personal so much a part of the promo, and figuring out how to handle that better should have been something PR teams worked on, even if not for the fans sake, but the actors themselves.

I saw someone comment that basically do people expect him not to have a life and I think that is a valid point, but also ignores the fact that at least part of his real life was very much a part of the promo. For a lot of fans, they aren’t at a point where they can compartmentalize that actors are doing a job and what we see isn’t really always them. It isn’t really fair to him, but that’s basically/realistically part of the deal they made taking on a role like this and promoting it how they did. If having to maintain the illusion for a bit after in order not to cause issue wasn’t explained to them, then that’s a fairly shit job on the PR teams, because I even saw that coming.

Ultimately, this whole situation feels rather shitty, uncomfy, and honestly really avoidable, and something that is just going to keep happening with shows with big followings. I shudder to think of what might have been if the Glee fandom was at its peak today.

There is a lot I could say here but atp it is really just beating a dead horse. However....

"But some of this could have been avoided if they hadn’t made the personal so much a part of the promo,"

I want to address this because I really haven’t yet and there were so many ways the personal bleed over affected perceptions.

My biggest complaint is this:

As much as I love the content we got out of Ireland I think it was a HUGE misstep for the press tour.

It was way to personal and setting a narrative while actively blurring lines.

It also made the tour feel one-sided. Luke and Nic didn't feel like co-stars.

We didn't have a stop in Brighton for Luke. They could've had a small screening there like Galway.

It seems like covertly Nic was placed more as a lead and Luke more in a supporting role by Netflix/Shaondland.

There could be a myriad of reasons for this, I mean look at how she carried a lot of the press tour.

Which brings up another issue I have...

Watching back interviews you see why she carried a lot of them, the majority of the questions were directed to her.

I also get that she is a more well known actress and is operating with more star power.

This hurt Luke honestly.

He doesn’t have a commanding presence when paired with people during interviews and especially not with Nic.

This is then where I have a major issue with his team, they should have been actively trying to play to his strengths during the promo tour.

Contractually he may have been restrained in certain areas but there is so much that he could have done to step out of Nic's shadow during the tour.

Because he was not giving S3 lead during the promo tour and it sucked to watch.

And for the weirdos out there, I am not blaming Nic at all, so please don't come to me with that shit.

[squilfmybeloved]

ok so im like reworking the whole fic w/ demon!tanjiro and rewriting literally everything! im not 100% decided on what the name of it will be, but its def gonna be something from a song i listened to while writing it

its not necessarily a kamado siblings role reversal- both siblings are demons, tanjiro is just like. a half baked one or something idk. giyuu is still the one who finds them, but instead of taking them to urokodaki, he takes them to kyojuro. rengiyuu is already an established relationship.

giyuu and kyojuro train the siblings- tanjiro to be a demon slayer, and nezuko in combat. also, tanjiro is trans ftm! this is kind of a major plot point- he has the same name through the whole story, so hes still tanjiro, but in the beginning refers to himself as she/her til he figures stuff out <3 (me projecting onto characters again 😔)

this also features tanjiro and his boyfriend collection 👍 im not sure if the engame will be inotan, muitan, or gentan bc im so soft for all of them

uhh i think thats it for now! thx for coming to my ted talk

[ebi-noodle-doodles]

Had a 💡 moment.

Currently traveling and I badly want a fighting game with vocaloid/megpoid/utauloid characters in my head. I’m eager to learn game dev/ coding for this specific idea. I’m madly in love with

I designed Catsune/Nyatsune Miku with hair paws/claws. I also just came up with

Nyatsune Miku- Hair paws/claws. Her basic attacks are ofc her hair punch, spam and you get a hair stand oraoraoraoraora! Her hair grab and 👋 slap. Popipo vegetable juice riding it and running across the screen, leek helicopter (levanpolka). World is mine, love is war, brs and other that i could think of as song finishers

Luka Megurine - Ofc, tentacle hair. Octopus Luka. Her attacks are giant baseball throw of tako luka with a giant tuna, giant tuna smash, fresh catch, & hair grab. Some ideas for her finishing songs are JBF, Night fever, World dance hall, enbizaka, Magnet

Meiko- fox, cus it just seem fitting and she ate. Basic attacks are her sake, swinging her microphone stand, maybe a drunken fist style? Top of my head for a song finisher is conchita, will do more research since I forgor the others

Kaito- Wolf? cus Im basic. His attacks are ice cream/popsicle related! Freezes the enemy. Slaps them with giant popsicle & basic attack with his long scarf. Id like to add stuff like if he wins against a gakupo enemy madness of duke plays lol bunch of song finishers in my head cant remember titles-

Rin and Len- still not sure if otter or fennec. But Lens design would focus on his banana hair, he takes it out like my nendoroid and he throws it like a boomerang, he spamms and regrows his banana hair and ofc rin on her ribbon, ofc theres a theme here and its gonna be a huge ribbon, thinking if she uses each as shureken to mirror len’s banana boomerang throw! Also thinking if she could fly like Tails with it- 🚁 Too tired to list the songs but ofc ill include the daughter of evil series on everyone

Gumi- Rabbit. I love love love LOVE gumi and I remember her being 🥕 so a rabbit/bunny seems fitting! Giant carrot ofc, carrot attacks, her harvesting and pulling out the carrot only to bonk the enemy with it. Some songs that have two voice banks singing it would appear in their song finishers like Matryoshka!

Gakupo- Tiger? Lion? Still not sure but one of the finisher songs is def gonna be Madness of Duke- where if you finish of the enemy *you win* signs appear and him and the “ladies” are all lined up in the bg? Cant explain it properly but ye. Dancing samurai, go google it are on top of my head

This idea is heavily inspired by Super Gem fighter 😭 I love that game so much I want something similar except in the consecutive acts where like you change “outfits/designs” in Super Gem fighter (SGF) in this game you do it also with Song references changing outfits/designs/ base on that songs mv and each phase of the attack is a different song reference where if you finish of an enemy in that phase of the attack you finish them of with the song and stay on that costume/outfit/design and have like a finishing move or moment i.e Len vs Rin Daughter of evil and Servant of evil, Rin(Player1) finishes off Len(enemy/player2) and winning the game, Rin crying after-

Ofc theres secret characters. Top of my head rn is BRS. Not sure if Teto should be a secret character. Maybe her old design and then her new one is included since you know her being official! Additional characters/content would be Kaii Yuki, Vflower, SeeU, Iroha, Lily, IA and more. Theres so much still on my head and I want to make it happen 😭😭😭😭

Just blabbering my thoughts if anyones gonna even read hahah! Its really cold from where i am rn 🦭 This sparks inspo when I get home

Also this is a pixel base! Gotta love them classics

[jellyaibo]

breaking my silence...i fuckng hate this "genre" of object show gijinka and im tired of acting like it isnt . bland

(using ii gijinkas as my guinea pigs for this, considering i really ONLY see these kinds of gijinkas in the ii side of the osc)

they are just. all the same build, usually same hairstyles and fashion theres NOTHINGGG that differentiates one persons gijinka from another because thats how similar they look to me, also if i were to color these do u think it would make it more obvious who is who? (if u cant already tell who is who obvs. its tt, fan & pickle but ohhhh my god THERESS NO SAUCE)

this might just sound fucking insane on my part but also even though these gijinkas dont have natural skintones (obvs trying to match the objects) they completely lack any features that say they ARENT white (i mean like very eurocentric) finding one with afro hair is like looking for a needle in a haystack (im being so serious ive barely seen any . kind of diversity like that)

and not even just diversity in races too, because 99% of them are all tall and skinny they just completely lack any body diversity (once again, very eurocentric yk yk) and because of that they have. awful silhouettes (unless they have VERY defining features which is fucking rare, so unless you have a really unique design a lot of people probably can't tell who is who unless you either squint really hard or have them be colored in)

my point is . these gijinkas just dont look good like at all. (im not gonna kill anyone for making gijinkas like this btw but ill def squint at you rlly hard but thats just me) and i think people should try to go and experiment with more expressive and fun designs that can make these blokes rlly stand out more!!! (something as simple as just, giving them acne, making them shorter/taller than they actually are, wacky hair n cool disability aids etc. just fucking go nuts!!! diversity just. makes better designs imho)

i designed these kinda on the spot (im sorry pickle) and like. even if they might look a little bland imo they have way more personality than the designs above!!!!!!!!!!! its not hard lichurally all u need to do is get an idea n try it

also i didnt know where to put this but like. another example of why i think these gijinkas just fucking suck: i uhhhh made my loser gijinka into one

her joy? her happiness? her personality and transsexual swag? GONE. SUCKED AWAY FROM HER BEING. she is a HUSK

my final note(s) on this is like. just go experiment brah im sooo tired of seeing these ohh please im so exhausted...EVEN IF U ARENT CONFIDENT IN UR DESIGNING SKILLS . GOING AND TAKING THAT FIRST STEP IS GOOD please just go nuts ohhh u wanna go nuts so fucking bad . theres many many references for different bodies n details n shit AND U DONT EVEN HAVE TO LIKE. STUDY EVERYTHING TO BECOME "GOOD" at this . just . freaking go for it

and my final (final) note is uhmm very petty but idc but the artist that popularized this kind of object show gijinka isnt the best person so like. yeah that is one of my top reasons on why i dont like em LMAO

uhhh and yeah thats it thats pretty much all sorry for rambling im just a tired little biracial boy oohh im so tired heres a lollipop 🍭

[luffyvace]

STRAW HAT HEADCANONS

YUP YUP

as a thx for being patient for me not posting all day-

you get the whole crew!! :)

(some of these are based off true stories i’ve heard of from my friends 😭🧍‍♀️)

Luffy

never a peaceful day goes by

hes the type of guy that has to make noise if it’s “too silent”

like bro can’t we get some peace and quiet??

thrives in chaos

his eye to hand coordination is on point bc this man doesn’t think before he does ANYTHING

steals things from his crew even

if he sees something he likes he just takes it

he goes into the bathroom, puts boogers on the tissue then leaves

doesn’t even take it off or flush it

the next person who has to use that bathroom is mortified

when nami finds out and holds a whole meeting to find out who did this terrible act of crime

they find out it’s him he just laughs

per usual

stop this madness.

(he doesn’t)

Zoro

also a menace

not as straightforward with it though

its more like if he gets water everywhere when washing his hands

or spills his drink when pouring it

or pee all over the toilet

he’s kinda like oh whoops

(for future reference- my apologies for who ever you simp for here bc these headcanons don’t hold back)

anyway

sometimes he doesn’t shower after he trains

and just walks in the kitchen full body REEKING 😭😭😭

seriously dude take a shower

”i’ll cool off eventually”

THAT AINT GONNA GET RID OF THE STENCH

it makes me doubt he changes his underwear often enough

he leaves empty water bottles everywhere

it’s worse in the crows nest trust

Nami

thankfully this poor victim isn’t nearly as much as a menace

as long as you pay your beli

is genuinely willing to wait as long as it takes to get that money

and if you die she’s taking your life insurance

if your a pirate and have none she probably just takes whatever money and belongings you own

if it’s gems she’ll keep them but otherwise

she sells your clothes and other stuff that’s not worth much

smells like flowers

yes i said it

every time she comes out the shower something chaotic has happened

ah what a refreshing shower..

WHAT DO YOU MEAN LUFFY UPSET ANOTHER GOD 😱

😡✊ 🤣 💥 😓 😑

you can guess what happened

Usopp

his luck heavily fluctuates

sometimes he can get away with stealing. from. nami.

wow.

to other times getting blamed for farting

by luffy

and no one likes that feeling

has a better fashion sense but just chooses to dress how he does

no reason really

he can do hair and paint nails

nail painting he learned from kaya

would love horse back riding if he tried

he would suck at first tho

likes little children but they always end up beating him up for some reason

‘his cooking isn’t that good!’

‘let’s jump him!’

‘yeah!!’

besides the usopp pirates—they just do

Sanji

he could pull if he just stopped simping so hard

opla sanji is proof

his favorite thing to cook is spicy foods

him and chopper bond over spices bc some are good for your health and all

chopper sometimes recommends new herbs to put in foods

and vice versa for medicine

he helps chopper shop for herbs and such

if zoro wasn’t his big brother it was def be sanji

i love this duo it need more screen time

Sanji is a natural with children

which is why i wanna know why he ain’t wifed up yet?!

still hasn’t had his first kiss

prob would’ve genuinely married pudding if she was regular girl or at least not a big mom pirate

Chopper

sweetest person ever

looks up to all the straw hats

so he picks up bad habits from them

and is influenced by them easily

they use him as a tie breaker for stuff

they all bribe him to picking they’re option

usually robin, nami, sanji or zoro wins

robin bc she uses her psychological knowledge

nami bc she offers to buy his doctor stuff (which is rare)

sanji bc they have a close bond and relate to each other

and zoro bc they’re bond too (and bc he scares him sometimes- like that time in water 7)

asks people to help him with his doctor research

everyone was willing until the time usopp had diarrhea

then he could only convince luffy to do it 😭

Robin♥︎

her stare scares the rest of the straw hats

if it’s not a genuine smile and more like a distant stare that is

shes always observing and watching

theres no hiding secrets from her

she’s knows all

she actually reminds me of a friend i had irl and idk how to feel abt it

she wasn’t a bad person

she was just

just like robin 🧍‍♀️

anyway

i wonder if robin would read stephen king?

she would prob big up the book

only for them to find out it’s pretty dark

she prefers tea over coffee any day

its healthier w more health benefits

it just suits her taste pallet more

plus it doesn’t stain your teeth yellow n stuff..

Franky

SO LOUD

the second he gets up-

SUPERRRRRRR

its kinda annoying

he doesn’t care much if you don’t like it

Luffy is louder ok

your fine

wants robin to think he’s cool

if you don’t get something he said he doesn’t feel like repeating himself

either leaves out more details the more he explains it

or stares at you until you get it

constantly requesting american food for dinner

he doesn’t mind noodles and other around the world dishes

but can he get some pizza??

is that too much??

actually such a kind and considerate person

can relate to sanji on his kindness and empathy being his superpower

♡♡BROOK♡♡

needs so much more attention

the only one who still laughs at his skull jokes are luffy and chopper

sometimes usopp if it was a good one

loves to exchange books with robin but..

sometimes they’re a bit scary

(dude your a skeleton…YOUR SCARY-)

robin listens to him well bc he has a wealth of knowledge

he is 90 after all

maybe brook gets his clothes tailored??( bc who makes clothes so skinny a skeleton could fit them?!)

can play instruments no ones ever even HEARD OF before

randomly re-realizes his generation of people is dead

like now he has to accommodate with the youngsters 😭

i mean people in one piece live pretty long

but still they’re not out here kickin it n allike they used to

like rayliegh-

except he’s younger-

way younger-

ok so maybe whitebeard

but he was still jukin-

IDK MAN

one piece people are weird..

JINBEI

idk much about him especially but imma try

he’s so cool

he can prob cook really well

has very good survival and leader skills

plus instincts

wait how old is he??

ok

looked it up he’s 46

so he’s the 2nd oldest

technically would be first if brook wasn’t a moving pile of bones

yohohoho!

my apologies your right this is jinbei.

ok

i feel like he can dance

like he knows traditional dances of all sorts

i mean he could travel under water pretty fast

he should be able to visit different places right?

besides, he was a warlord

of course he did!

i feel he wouldn’t be a simp

as in for boa specifically

like he’s like i got too much going on to simp over some youngster

ik he ain’t real old or anything

but my dude a grown man

bro ain’t got time

he’s too busy being himothy

i feel he’d like poems

jinbei’s was like the most serious one. and that was still all over the place itself-

i take it back probably chopper or robin

this was fun but it took so long. it’s ok u guys enjoy :). i’m off to watch some anime 🏃‍♀️

oh my GOODNESS. so many tags 🤓

[celestie0]

Girl I was balls deep in my attempt to make fanart for u a couple months ago

Like I had the reference pictures collated and I sat my ass down and picked up an pencil with the intention of actually drawing something after ages

cause basically I became a lil sad cause I felt like I forgot to draw bc last year in school I took an external art subject and it didn’t occur to me that doing a hands on subject through distance study wasn’t the brightest idea

anyway that fucked me over and led to me dropping and taking up fucking legal studies 😭

Even though I’m a bit more STEM based I can still fw the wordy subjects but not this someone pls save me why am I being assessed on the bi cameral structure of parliament

saur yh I’m super lazy as is with anything so that situation just put me off drawing and art completely

congrats to me setting every world record for yip yapping and going off track

ummm yh for context it was like my 10th read through of the kickoff chapter 6 scene that compelled me to collate a bunch of reference pics that ranged from twitter smut comics to bathroom sinks and eventually I gave up because anatomy is a bitch

I changed into a dress with the same type of neckline I think reader was wearing bc of the way it tucks under her boobies and I was this close to just shamelessly positioning myself in front of the mirror to make my own references

then ofc I got distracted by a half baked portrait of Rose from titanic that I drew when I was like 15 and ended up drawing a two hour long remake of the same picture

only for my friend to tell me it looks like Mary Shelly’s ghost

Should I know who that is

To be fair it looked nothing like her but I mean it was an improvement from thinking all my ability just went poof and I drew better when I was 15

never the less I was somewhat disappointed with the product and I haven’t drawn since

wait I wanna show u actually lemme try

https://share.icloud.com/photos/0edTRG9Tb54pRh9Qe5unszRrg

the Mary Shelly in question

do these links work I’m scared I’m gonna accidentally leak personal details or my whole camera roll lol

also IM NOT AN ARTIST don’t judge me peeps I’m just a girl idek how to drive yet

I feel bad every time I send an ask I feel like I’m force feeding u Ellie babes u have the patience and commitment of a saint

also OMG IF YOU MADE ART FOR ANY OF MY FICS I’D SOB!!!!

I want to 😞🫶 but alas prospect of fanart from me will most likely never see the light of day

that crack scene in ihm was tempting tho everything u write is just so visual

♥️ mwah my gorgeous gorgeous writer wifey

hellooo my dear PLS the ramble of this ask is legendary and i found it very entertaining xD

ouuu the dress that reader wears in ch6 of kickoff is actually based on a dress that i own, here's some pictures of it!! i'm curious if the dress you have is similar!! but yea this is the official outfit reference hahah

looking at it now it's kind of a mild sweetheart neckline lol n yea def tucks under the boobs very nicely xd i was actually gonna sell it on depop a couple months ago when i did a closet cleanout but i was like nahhh i gotta keep it bc it inspired that scene

taking your OWN reference pictures sounds so badass. and its ok babe it's the thought that counts haha <3 i feel u about the losing passion/talent in art thooo aaa i used to draw too but ehh hobbies fizzle

ahh i can't see the cloud photos :(( but anywho thanks for the yap my dear!! i ate it up. also side note but i'm so glad my writing comes off visual to you!! i always worry there's not enough description in my scenes so that's reassuring to hear. much love!

[piipaw]

Get to Know Your Tav!

I got tagged by @tavsboots and it's been really fun to fill this out! I have 100 things thought out about my Tav but no real place to put them so this was a great exercise ;w;

Gum ( hathcing-name redacted) | Githyanki | Cleric of Mystra | He/They | Age: It's a mystery

What is your Tav’s…

Favorite Weapon: Specifically the Blood of Lathander.  As a general tho something one handed with a shield.

Style of Combat: One of two flavors: Run in swinging, or summon as many things as possible while buffing the team.

Most Prized Possession: I know this is meant to be a tangible item, but Gum literally prays every time he eats a good piece of fruit I'm gonna say his prized possession is just simply being free.

Deepest Desire: To live peacefully. Growing up in his creche like peace was never an option, having denounced all that and escape that upbringing has left him seeking out to understand the things he's missed.

Guilty Pleasure: Fruit. Soaking in bodies of water (lakes, rivers, pools, bathtubs, ect.) he years for a good soak, hot or iced.

Best-Kept Secret: He doesn't really know what's going on a lot of the time and his silence isn't him being a composed thought out leader, it's him observing the others to make the best educated guess.

Greatest Strength: Gratitude? Forgiveness? Acceptance? Non Applicable.

Fatal Flaw: Stubborn and bad at reading social cues (he's improving)

Favorite Smell: In a present state I think his favorite smell would be something like the smell of books (parchment) or like Sandalwood. But like a deep seated childhood core memory smell for him would be something more like burnt meat.

Favorite Spell or Cantrip: Spirit Guardians!!! But also Hero's feast

Pet Peeve: When others refer to him as unintelligent/stupid over things that cause culture shock (ex: calling him dumb for not understanding why pieces on display in a museum can't just be taken).

Bad Habit: Overthinks and miscommunicates. Used to be really confident before his social outcasting at his old creche.

Hidden Talent: Really good at identifying things by smell that should not be picked up in some way (ex: 'idk you smelled anxious')

Leisure Activity: Reading and Jogging

Favorite Drink: Hot drinks: Cider. Cold drinks: Water

Comfort Food: Space hampster 100% Kiwi (he's allergic and also wouldn't know not to just bite like its a hand fruit at first)

Favorite Person: Gale! He's got a complicated relationship with Lae'zel but she is also very important to him. Also very protective towards Astarion.

Favored Display of Affection (platonic and/or romantic): (platonic) If he's close with you and you're shorter than him (likely) He'll definitely rest his chin on your head (especially if you're showing him something). (romantic) For Gale I think he's go out of his way to give Gale's ear's a lot of attention (very round, very cute, unlike his own) but for Astarion he'd really enjoy just holding hands and sweeping his thumb over his knuckles.

Fondest Childhood Memory: Gum def doesn't have many if any fond memories from his childhood. Anything he once considered fond/proud of isn't really reflective to him at current and probably brings more sadness than anything. No longer propelled by having to fight or competing for something greater, I think he's just happy to make new memories.

Time.... to Tag!!!

@violentlyexplosive @terrible-eel @nalhegrande @nycteres @galedekkarios

and anyone else who reads this and also wants to fill it out!!! Pls pls message me if you want to talk about our tavs together :,,)

[let-me-lyric]

Ok so this is def gonna be some sort of FOB blog now. My hyperfixation has returned babyyy (and I really hope this one sticks around for a while).

Anyway.

I think we need to give more love to American Beauty/American Psycho. Like I know on Spotify that it’s technically their most popular album but tbf we can probably all agree that that’s because of Centuries. There’s also Uma Thurman which is pretty popular (for good reason, it’s a BANGER) but the rest of the album deserves some love too.

Irresistible is lowkey my strut song, I love it so much.

The title track (AB/AP but I ain’t writing allat) took me a bit to get into but the bridge especially is actually such a good song? Currently playing it on repeat which is what prompted me to write this entire thing out.

Centuries is iconic and I love it I really do, it was how I found out about FOB and it deserves all the love it gets.

The Kids Aren’t Alright is honestly not really my fave but idk bro the lyrics really hit.

Uma Thurman gets me so hyped every time I hear it, I LOVE IT!

Jet Pack Blues is once more not as high energy as I usually like but they popped off with the lyrics “she’s singing ‘baby come home’ in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time”??? How did such a line get brainstormed and where do I get some of that absolute skill???

Novocaine is such an angry, gritty song and I don’t know what else I can say about it. Def one of my faves on the album but this is also lowkey my favorite album (lowkey, it’s not like I can just pick ONE 😥) so that tracks.

Fourth of July is ofc sad but it’s almost kinda cute if that makes sense? Like it makes me think of a cute romance that didn’t end so well. Not exactly the best vibes to bring to a Fourth of July part but you best believe I ABSOLUTELY will be adding it to the playlist.

Favorite Record is similar, but it almost feels like a more… homemade(?) sound. Softer might be a better word. Like the background instrument are kinda toned down or something. It expresses such a similar meaning in such a different way IDK

Immortals feels like the earlier part of a relationship that you know is technically doomed to fail but you really don’t want to let go of. All of the time references really cement that idea for me. There’s more I was going to say but I forgot it so.

Twin Skeleton’s (Hotel In NYC). Now what do I even say about this one? Honestly, I’ve run out of things to say right now but let’s just say that if I heard this one in concert I would probably die. S tier. No further notes.

Also this is maybe an important disclaimer: I have zero experience with love and I don’t intend to get any (aromantic babyyy 😍). So my analysis might be a bit inaccurate but who’s doing research for smth like this anyway?

TL;DR: y’all are SLEEPING on AB/AP, but also every album is equally good in its own way (altho I’m ngl I could never bring myself to listen to evening out with your girlfriend but someday I will, promise).

…yeah. I think it’s clear how not normal I am about this band.

[onemorecupofcoffee]

k so once a complete unknown comes out idk what i'll do. first off i have no idea if ill be hyperfixated on bob but it's been a LONG hyperfixation so yknow. maybe. and it's honestly only probably gonna be a year bc theyve made us wait sooo long and theyre done with filming and theyve recorded most if not all the songs and post production shouldnt take long bc theres not like huge cgi shit so. which means theres a good chance itll be out before winter 2025 . now i have irl friends who are timothee fans who want to see the movie when it comes out. so a lot of timothee fans will def go see the movie, but the general population?. i honestly dont know its def marketed more towardsa general audience but like its not like wonka was the biggest movie of the year or anything or the songs went off the charts. but my prediction is that one dylan song that wasnt as popular before will trend on tiktok or something bc timothee covered it and timothees version will become more popular than the og. idk which song bc im honestly not sure if theyre gonna do just any bob song or only the era presented in the movie. if its the era in the movie i think its gonna be an another side of bob dylan song bc that entire album is pretty underrated, except for my back pages it's not that popular for dylan, and it has a lot of lyrically amazing songs. im thinking maybe i dont believe you she acts like we never have met, n it would make sense to play in the movie. but it could be any song , like if theyre playing all eras bob then probably one of his newer songs. But a lot of timothee fans are like ok someones gonna get an oscar for something and im like . ugh no. but its a possibility bc oscars suck so then it would obviously become even more popular. theyre not gonna depict dylan correctly though and then people are gonna believe a scene in the movie actually happened and its like NO IT DIDNT just like the doors movie holy shit i hate that movie . but it could be decent it could turn out ok despite the horrid casting . do i think theyre gonna play other songs yes!!! not just dylan other baez, other folk songs definitely it actually seems like they paid attention to some things. the fashion was not it but the set decorators did an amzing job actually so it seems like there was SOME work that went into this movie. now i thijk theyre gonna end it at newport folk festival but they should end it at motorcycle accident but whatever . but its gonna be like mainl dylan i think but they said its an ensemble piece meaning its also gonna be focused on joan and fake suze rotolo/sylvie/ whatever the fuck her name is. and pete seeger bc hes been in a lot of the paparazzi pics so?. hes there too. and maybe woody guthrie hopefully woody guthrie obviously woody guthrie and they filmed in new jersey so its kinda like yeah. but hes gonna be sick so theyre not gonna really show him but theyre gonna show dylan meeting him. i dont think theyre gonna really show dylans childhood, yea timmy went to hibbing but everyone knows dylan lied a lot so no one knows anything about his childhood really. i think the main romance plot will literally just be bob being like choosing between joan and sylvie or some boring shit like that and theyre not gonna understand the weird fucking relationship bob had with joan or anything. but its gonna be dumb straight love triangle bc the writers are boring and not like im not there todd haynes where haynes understood dylan was queer as fuck and made multiple references to dylan being queer insome way theyre not gonna do that. and timmy will NOT top cate blanchett ever but he might win the oscar even though cate literally deserved that oscar. So the world will explode if it gets popular and then someone will cancel bob dylan or something . and bob dylan dies after seeing it "the worst experience of my life" and theyre gonna botch and popify the songssooo bad but theyre gonna get so popular its so dumb everything is dumb and then bob dylan will have a dumb modern resurgence but by people who dont know anything about him

and wont care to learn aside from that dumb biopic im sorry im welcoming new fans but i feel like theyre just gonna not actually wanna learn about him aside from timmy biopic . And its like. come on. but his records will get more popular and more valuable i mean gen z listens to a lot of physical media maybe his tour might be more popular too if hes still alive so in general people are like hey this guys pretty good or something but then everyone will kinda forget about him but sokme people will stay. i think . and then its like some weird shit gets out about him again he says something out of pocket about the biopic and then everyones like thats Odd. and the biopic keeps getting memed out of context maybe a bob meme will become very popular .. and timmy clitoris fans will be like this is the best film ever and petition for it to win best film at oscra s or something dymb andits all dumb stupif shit and then someones like Hey bob dylan was a fuckign faggot and everyone realises bob WAS fafuckin g faggot and its finally recognize d anf then people boycott the biopic bc it erases queer history rightfully so and then some people who dgaf about bob dont like the biopic and then timmy clitoris apologizes saying he didnt know and hes not queer though even though hes a fuciing twink and then bob slike yeha i had gay sex with george harrison. so what and everyones like Ohhh i knew it but those stupid people are like wtf? bob dylna is GAY? and then itslike ok open your eyes and then at the oscars timmy clitoris has to apologize again saying he didnt know bob dylan was queer and everyones like oh its ok but inrreality we hate you and cate blanchett knew it the whole TIME! and then the biopic is burned people burndown their copies of it and its INSANE and everyones INWSNE and then traveling wilbyurys biopic comes out and theres a sex scene with george and bob in like 2030 bc of the beatles biopics too ! and timyms like dsaved is my fav bob dylan album and he triesto join the fandom but everyone boos him and he dies before bob dies and alos never meets bob

[bathroomtrapped]

ur art is so, so amazing, is there anyway u could do a tutorial bc I wanna draw like u so badly

i can try but idrk how to explain myself or make tutorials lol

i think my style is just a product of my brush and what im trying to get out of my art, which is trying to portray the characters as accurately as possible. i rly just want it to look like it could be a stylized redraw of a deleted scene or something

my process is kinda everywhere bc i just move on to whatever step will probably make me hate the piece less when im done with it. i draw with a more square brush (blurring marker 1 on ibis) which i def recommend. its great for focusing on shapes in ur art and it helps me not overblend/forces me to think of more interesting lines/shapes. my sketch is a thicker size of the same pen, focusing on the major shapes and proportions and i just make as many additional layers overtop of it, lowering the size of the pen and adding details as i go

once im at the lineart i usually use a site that creates color palettes based off images (usually just steal some from old catholic art) and i steal my base colors from that. it doesnt matter how terrible ur base colors look as long as they make sense and r what ur generally going for.

these were my original base, i use colored line art and shade the basic shadows using the line art mixed with the base color, highlights r whatever is the lightest color in the palette. after that i duplicate and throw it through this filter

i play w the colors and use it as a color/hue/luminosity layer on top of the original version, lower opacity and render now that theres more colors on the canvas (the filter creates more contrast between the lame base colors i mix, then i can add bounce shadows and shit).

i use a shit ton of digital cheats. single color overlay layers at the end of a piece, pizza face overlay glow, using vignettes around the border to draw the eye towards the subjects at the center, filters, color palette generators, etc. they make things sm easier so u can worry abt experimenting with other things.

i dont rly know how to explain how i do clothes or hair other than focusing on the shadows and worrying abt lights later. this is honestly the best tutorial i can think of bc in my head im just drawing what i see as best as i can with the pen i use. use a fuck ton of reference, do actor face studies, and try to experiment with ur style everytime u draw. ur never gonna learn how to use ur programs or expand if ur bogged down by trying to achieve a specific look. sometimes that thing u were nervous abt bc thats not how ur style usually works is the best thing on the piece at the end.

actually draw only what u want to draw in that very moment and use that as an opportunity to experiment however u can. i just draw chainshipping and find ways to trick myself into learning 👍🏻 sorry this is so bad if u have any specific questions i can try to answer those better

edit: this is what i mean when i say just draw with whatever base colors and use the lineart to add value. i thoroughly hated this piece at this stage but once i adjusted the pallet it felt much more cohesive and i could continue on with the drawing. the best thing i can say is to have absolutely no process past the same few first steps and resign urself to a cycle of self hatred and throwing random bs at the wall to see what sticks

[n0wav]

Pinkerton appreciation

HELLO CHATTERS!!!

Today i did what i do on almost a weekly basis, which is to listen to pinkerton. i was in a good mood listening to this very awesome album... UNTIL! i noticed something that somewhat upset me not really but its really interesting.

you see back in the 90s pinkerton wasn't loved as much as blue album because it's messy dark and emo and not silly fun power pop like blue. it wasn't till many years later that pinkerton the the love and appreciation it deserved. Although it isn't nearly as popular as blue, green, or even make believe (really only because of Beverly hills), it is still very loved by weezer fans now.

Today while looking through the deluxe version i realized that "I just through out the love of my dreams" is more popular than any of the songs on the normal non deluxe album. Now don't get me wrong its a really good song (although this cover of the song is kinda better imo :3) and i do really enjoy it, i do feel like its a repeat in history.

now if you don't know what i mean by this repeat in history, i will shift the attention for a short moment to another band, PAVEMENT!!!

one side note i think is funny is that back when weezer started, people called them cheesy pavement rip-offs... just something i remembered!

pavement is an awesome band and they will get another post out of me at some point of me writing on this tumblr blog, but in the mean time... Pavement has always been relatively popular in indie rock circles, but nothing exceeds the popularity they got when harness your hopes blew up like crazy on tiktok, making it their most popular song on streaming services by a very large margin. AND Just like i just threw out the love of my dreams, harness your hopes is also a B-side that randomly got popular from social media.

Don't get me wrong I'm not upset at all, to be honest i don't care that much like it really isn't that deep, i just think its interesting how common this is, where a song from an older band gets big thanks to social media, more specifically tiktok.

The only thing i do wish is that people listened to more of the bands music rather than just listen to the one song they know, but then again i just realized not everyone is as obsessed with music as i am lol.

Back to pinkerton

i LOVE pinkerton, i def like it more than blue album, which isn't much of a hot take since the weezer fandom has been split on which album is better for prolly 2 decades at this point. For me the album is just more up with the kinda music i listen to, while being very different at the same time. the way the album starts with the synth, and you automatically hear the raw and underproduced sound this album has.

aside from the sound, i just personally kinda relate to some of the songs, maybe not the weird parts... but def many of the bit more normal ones.

With tired of sex, I have definitely grown tired of having relationships with people where there's no actual relationship or connection at all. for a long time i really didn't know who i am (weezer reference).

getchoo is hard for me to analyze or related it to anything so i will skip that one (good song tho)

no other one hit pretty hard home for me. i've been in pretty shitty relationships with people who treat me like shit, hence the shittiness, and for some reason i didn't leave because i didn't think i could do any better and that nobody knows me like her, that we're all we got and we don't wanna be alone (weezer reference).

why bother? is me when I'm scared to make relationships and friendships with basically anyone because of my fear that whoever i talk to will eventually not like me and abandon me, to where in my head i will think "why bother? its gonna hurt me. it's gonna kill when they desert me. It's already happened to me twice before. it wont happen to me anymore." (weezer reference)

i only semi relate to across the sea because i've e-dated as a young child on discord.... next song (still a good song)

the good life is me too because i used to be really cool and leave my house a lot and play shows and have lots of friends and just do things that aren't me sitting at home doing nothing being a pig and a dog (weezer reference). it is def time i got back to the good life (weezer reference) But to be fair i don't really want to go back to that time i just wanna be a normal person again.

i don't really relate to el scorcho much but its still an awesome song.

pink triangle is me because I've dated girls who turned out to be a lesbian but trust me i didn't turn them, they were already lesbian before we started dating i don't know why they started dating me maybe because I'm not very masculine so they thought it would be fine. (note that i didn't know they were lesbian till after we would break up)

i put falling for you in a mixtape i made my ex. whenever i would hear that song i would think of her because its how i felt about her. i was afraid of falling for her, but in the end i just wanted to settle down with her (weezer reference)

I don't relate to butterfly either but it is a really really good song

as you can see i really like pinkerton and relate to it very much. it is prolly one of my favorite albums of all time no doubt

this is the end of the post

we love pinkerton

pinkerton is our everything

here's a song rec from the album pinkerton by weezer

thanks for reading my weezer rant! idk what i will post about next but we will see!

Goodbye!!!! :3

[jjtheresidentbaby]

HELLO LOVE!!! @bebbie-bilinski AGAIN!!

ok like we discussed this is def gonna be a more hurt/comfort oriented request :P

as always regressor!stiles and cg!derek at the loft haha

ok i was wondering if you could maybe do something where stiles is upset -very upset- we're talking ugly crying inconsolable throwing pillows full speed at walls that sort of upset tho im not too sure as to why he could be upset maybe its all the stress of having near death experiences thanks to the supernatural world or maybe its due to thinking about past trauma too much (or take some creative liberties! u know i'll eat it up regardless) im thinking stiles will be big during this and derek tries frantically to help in whatever way he can and once hes calmed down hes just too exhausted to do anything else but regress and recuperate from all the big emotions :P then its all derek asking what stiles wants to get comfy and big ol clueless stares from stiles cus he has no idea what he wants lol im not sure if id rather they be alone when stiles regresses or maybe peters there too anyways theres obligatory cuddles in big comfy t shirts and!! itty-bitty-baby regressor stiles coded pretty please (´∀｀)♡ ! god im so sorry this is so long i hope that was detailed enough!

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ remembering ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ⊹

|| stiles stilinski & derek hale & peter hale || read on ao3

notes: this got requested and hour ago and I’m already answering it & it’s midnight, someone pray for me

warnings: set after s3 before s4, mentions/talk of void stiles, crying, angst, hurt/comfort, pet names, Peter being referred to as “papa”

-

Derek watches in horror as Stiles scream sobs in the middle of the lofts living room, his hands are grabbing at his throat as though he can’t breathe, body halfway bent in on itself as he only grows louder. Derek doesn’t know what to do. Stiles had texted him asking if he could come over, saying he felt upset and maybe a slip coming, Derek of course replied immediately saying he’d be waiting.

What Derek didn’t expect was to open the loft door to Stiles already crying, thick tears staining his pale skin and hiccuping breaths leaving his chest. Derek had tried to pull Stiles into his arms, the little usually clings to Derek when upset, but he got pushed away from. There’s been no explanation as to why Stiles is so upset but that doesn’t seem to matter to Derek, he’s too heartbroken to think about it.

“Stiles, Stiles please breathe, it’s okay.” Whether or not Stiles can even hear Derek’s voice is really up for debate, Derek keeps trying anyways. His own tears threatening to spill when Stiles’ knees shake and he drops to the ground, Derek right by his side.

“I can’t- I can’t Der, I can’t!” Small red lines appear on Stiles’ throat where he scratches at the skin, Hale catching his wrists before it can get any worse. The last thing he needs is to try and preform first aid while Stiles is in this state.

“Can’t what? What is it baby? Talk to me.” It shakes coming out of Derek’s mouth, hating how Stiles cries even harder.

“It’s too much! I don’t want it!” Stiles sobs before falling into Derek’s chest, screaming as loud as he can get before another sob bubbles from his throat.

“What don’t you want? You gotta talk to me, let me help.” Derek’s voice is hoarse with desperation, allowing Stiles to hit at his sides after Derek releases his wrists.

“All of it! I- I remember it all Der, I don’t want it, please. Please make it go away.” The begging tone and pleading eyes sent Derek’s way is enough for his breath to catch. He suddenly knows what this is all about, void Stiles, the hell that happened last year and still haunts his little night and day. Hale can’t imagine what it felt like to have someone control Stiles’ mind like that, but he knows what Stiles tells him, and that alone is enough to make Derek nauseous.

“It wasn’t you, it wasn’t you baby. It’s okay.” He soothes the best he can despite knowing how little it really does. Nothing can fix what happened, or the results it left behind.

“I don’t want to remember, I hate it. I wanna go back, let me go back.” Stiles’ hands cling around Dereks neck, fingers pulling at the t shirt he has on so tightly the material could rip.

“Go back where?” If there’s a place Stiles wants to go that’ll comfort him Derek will move hell on earth to get him there.

“To before. When- when void didn’t exist, to before it all happened.” Oh.

“Oh honey…” Derek has no words to say, he can only pull Stiles up into his lap more and rub his hand down the brunettes back. There’s still small whimpers and tears spilling from Stiles, Derek hates that he can’t make it all feel better, that he can’t take this kind of hurt away. He wishes he could hold Stiles’ hand and watch his veins turn black as he drained Stiles of his pain, but this isn’t physical, and there’s no easy fix to it.

“I want papa.” There’s a tremble when Stiles talks, he’s obviously dropped into his regression, a younger headspace from what Derek can tell just by his voice. And he wants Peter. Derek knows Peter went out to the grocery store at least an hour ago, he hopes he’ll be getting back soon.

“I’ll text him, okay?” Stiles nods along, eyes already drooping with exhaustion from his overwhelmed state. The attire he has on can’t be comfortable, jeans and a t shirt is fine while big but Hale knows Stiles will want something softer in his regressed state.

With that, Derek decides Stiles should change and quickly picks him up to walk them over to Peters bedroom, knowing that Stiles will want to wear something of Peters if he’s not here. He always likes to have something of one of his caregivers on, whether it he Derek’s hoodie or Peters shirt all depends on who Stiles is feeling clinger towards.

“Which one do you wanna wear?” The top drawer of Peters dresser is open wide enough for Stiles to see each t shirt folded neatly, Peters always been a precise person and his organization never fails to portray that.

“Do you want me to pick for you?” After a long beat of silence where Stiles only stares blankly into the drawer Derek figures he’d have a better bet choosing himself. Stiles nods in approval before Hale grabs the cranberry red t shirt that he knows is oversized even for Peter so it should be hanging off of Stiles, how he likes his shirts to be when small.

“Alright buddy let me text your papa and then we’ll get you out of those clothes.” A quick text messily explaining everything that just happened gets sent out quickly to Peter, he replies immediately, assuring Derek he’d be home as soon as he could and that grocery shopping would have to wait.

-

Once Stiles is changed into a small pair of pajama shorts and Peters shirt, him and Derek curl into the couch together. There’s a kids show playing lowly but neither are paying attention. Stiles is chewing the collar of Peters shirt, having refused a tether or pacifier, and Derek’s busy focusing in on Stiles’ heartbeat. It’s normal, not spiking in anxiety or panic, he should be relaxing with that information. He can’t. His brain is too busy running through what possibly could’ve happened to trigger Stiles like that.

It could’ve been his own overthinking, that’s happened a couple times, but never lead to that intense of a reaction. Derek prays silently that it wasn’t somebody saying something to upset Stiles, or a random bout of flashbacks as that always leaves Stiles restless for at least a few days if not a full week.

“Munchkin! What happened?!” Peters booming voice cuts through Derek’s thoughts and he’s quickly met with Peter barreling over to where the two are on the couch. Stiles instantaneously climbs off of Derek to cling around Peter with a happy giggle at Peter hugging him in close. At least he’s calmed down now.

“Are you okay sweetheart?” Seconds pass where Stiles just stares at Peter, the older Hale obviously growing more concerned as his brow furrows and Derek swears his eyes couldn’t grow any wider.

“Papa!” Stiles finally bursts out and latches around Peter again, it makes both the caregivers give out a small sigh of relief and chuckle at Stiles’ endless need for affection and his lack of communication skills in baby space.

Derek knows he and Peter will have to talk about what happened once Stiles goes to sleep, which shouldn’t be too far away with how tired he looks. The questions buzzing in his head will have to wait to get answered, and Peter might genuinely never let Stiles leave the loft again, but for now Derek leans back into the couch and tries to relax. Peter gives him a knowing look, that one that says he can feel how much tension Derek still holds about the situation, he lets Peter knock his shoulder into Derek in support. They’ll figure it out.

[aralezinspace]

Questions That Need Answering

requested by Anonymous, "12th Doctor/Reader comfort, in which they are so in tune (and even somewhat touchy) that Bill asks them if they are together. Realization dawns on them and shenanigans ensue"

A/N: my first Doctor Who request! thank you! It was nice to dip my toes back into the world/universe that first got me into writing, will def be doing it more. Bonus points if you get the title reference xD Hope you enjoy! ~~Requests for Morpheus and the Doctor (9-13) are open!~~

“Don’t move, there’s one in your hair.” Bill watched in baffled amazement as the Doctor did exactly what you said without so much as a sarcastic reply. He held as still as he was physically able while you pulled a leaf shaped beetle (or was it a beetle shaped leaf?) from his untamed shock of silver hair.

“What, just like that?” she scoffed with a laugh as she closed the door behind her. You had given the Doctor the all clear with two pats on his shoulder, and the two of you were now dancing around the console to pilot the ship. Your moves were smooth, practiced, as you reached and darted around each other in easy harmony.

“Hello?” Bill yelled again, barely pulling you two from your own little world. “You do whatever Y/N says, just like that?” She was absolutely flabbergasted, dumbfounded. “Blimey, it took months for you to even acknowledge when I asked you a question.”

“Yea, well, Y/N’s been with me longer than a few months, they’ve earned it,” the Doctor replied with an over exaggerated shrug.

“Damn right I have,” you added, giving the Doctor a little bump before leaning against the console next to him, arms folded over your chest, one leg crossed over the other- an almost perfect copy of his usual pose. Bill’s eyes darted between the two of you, gobsmacked. The two of you were so in sync with each other- you moved like you shared one mind, helped others like you shared the same heart(s), jumped head first into everything with a shared, single-minded determination. She knew that you and the Doctor hadn’t known each other that long, not long enough to have the same harmony as a decades long relationship.

Which could only mean one thing: you and he cared for each other WAY more than either of you were willing to admit.

“So,” you prompted, “What’s up?” Confused silence. “Did you have a question, or want something?” Bill shook herself out of the disbelief that two people so in tune with each other could be so oblivious to it.

“Nah, I’m good. Just gonna- uh, grab a snack.” She gave you a somewhat awkward wave as she left the console room. Once she was gone, the Doctor looked at you and muttered, “What in the seven systems was that about?”

You shrugged. “Not a clue.” You gave him another nudge, this one accompanied with a mischievous smirk. “You wanna go check out that moon we saw?”

The Doctor didn’t respond with words- he didn’t need to. His grin and bounding step to the console was answer enough.

~~

It was supposed to be a relaxing trip. Sightseeing, a picnic, maybe a tourist trap. Somehow, it had turned into an interrogation of the highest stakes, all for an alien king’s amusement. The king himself sat on an ornate yet roughly hewn throne, stone of every shade of gray comprising the structure. His deep green skin glistened with sweat, lips parted in glee to show a mouthful of pointed teeth, like a shark. Beady black eyes were fixed on his captives.

You, Bill, and the Doctor were tied to individual metal posts, your hands bound above your head. Each post was bolted into its own hovering platform, floating over a large chasm of toxic black sludge. “Here’s how this little game is going to work,” the king rasped with malicious glee. “I will ask you a series of questions. With every lie, your platform will sink further into the pit. Tell the truth, and remain where you are. Refuse to answer, and you will be dropped instantly. Understand?”

Short breaths burned as they went in and out of your lungs, the smell of the pitch below turning your stomach. You exchanged worried glances with Bill and the Doctor, hoping the Time Lord had a plan, or at least was concocting one.

“My first question,” the king continued, turning his sharp black eyes to you. “Do you love him?” He cackled at the expression of shock on your face. “Remember, you must answer truthfully, or it’s the pit for you!”

The words stuck in your throat, and the entirety of your time with the Doctor flashed before your eyes. Your adventures and quiet moments, every conversation you had ever shared. You cared for him, immensely. Loved, even. Maybe.

Your platform jerked and began sinking fast, jolting you out of your thoughts. “Wait!” you yelled. The platform stopped, and the king stared at you with an eager grin. “I…” you glanced between the Doctor and Bill, both watching you apprehensively. The answer stuck in your mouth. You sighed- wounded pride was a price you could pay; it meant you’d be alive to nurse it back to health.

“Yea,” you murmured. Once that one word was out, the rest was easier. You stared determinedly at the king and raised your voice slightly. “Yea bird brain, I do.”

Your head hung after your declaration, you could feel the eyes of the Doctor and Bill boring into you. The king however was laughing uproariously, a sharp contrast to the retainers standing stoically behind his throne. Tears burned the backs of your eyes; you just wanted this trip and this day to be over and done.

The rest happened in a blur of running, yelling, and the Doctor’s long-winded explanation of how he fooled the cuffs into releasing them. The king’s soldiers chased them all the way back to the TARDIS, shaking spears and knives as they ran. Once in the safety of the blue box, you and Bill doubled over and panted for breath while the Doctor maneuvered around the console.

Bill gave you a knowing smirk. “Knew it.” You couldn’t help your giggle. “Yea, yea.”

You didn’t notice the Doctor’s soft, adoring smile as he watched the two of you tease each other. He laughed to himself. Oh well, on to the next adventure.