#its fine now but. like. i am So stressed bc of some other shit . i am going 2 go nuts.

[bella-rose29]

Not Your Lover - Chapter 7

a week late but it's finally here! I had assignments that were kicking my ass all week and for some reason I couldn't get this chapter right for ages (I really wanted it to be right bc its so important)

please don't hate me for what you're about to read

I'm maintaining the idea that Gregor knew the relationship was fake the whole time bc nikolai told him

Series master list

Word count: 5.1k

Warnings: swearing, mentions of assault (from Davor), Nikolai being stupid about relationships, awkward conversations, panic attack, Evalina is a bitch, reader's mother is also a bitch, reader has a lot of doubts about herself, reader's father is a saint, mentions of divorce, reader is being mildly irrational (but at least she's aware of it), trust issues, unhappy ending to the chapter (sorry)

Tag list: @a-candle-maker, @bubybubsters, @el-de-phi, @hauntedenthusiasttragedy, @iambored24601, @itsyoboo-jassy, @karensirkobabes, @kentucky-criedfricken, @little8sun, @mrsklockwood, @mvidaaaa, @nalie-98, @naushtheaspiringauthor, @notoakay, @pietromaximoffsbabe, @simbaaas-stuff

As always, let me know here if you would like to be added to/removed from my Nikolai tag list <3

(not my image)

Gregor was startled when Nik came into the shop that morning, given the early hour.

He'd composed himself quickly upon hearing somebody walk in, terrified it would be him again, but when the undercover ex-royal's blond head poked through the doorframe instead, Gregor let out a small sigh of relief.

"You alright? You look a bit... ill," Nik asked, frowning as he stepped into the office.

"I'm fine," he stood a little straighter, still unsure how to act in Nik's presence. It had been a good few weeks since figuring out who his new apprentice was, but Gregor had no idea whether it was impolite to boss around the previous king of Ravka. Nik didn't seem to mind, though, and he really was good with machines. "What are you doing here this early?" He moved around the desk, shuffling papers in the hopes that the other man wouldn't notice how messy the room was.

"I, uh... needed some air. Figured you would be here, so I thought that I would come and see if you needed anything."

"What d'ya need air for? Relationship giving you problems?" Gregor joked, but upon seeing Nik's grimace he stopped laughing. "Shit, really?"

"No. Yeah. No- ugh, I don't know. It's difficult. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Oi, don't change the subject on me, boy. Sit. Talk to me." It would take Gregor's mind off of what had happened before Nik walked in. The blond man slumped in a chair, legs sprawling and a hand running tiredly over his face.

"We had sex."

Gregor froze where he stood, not expecting that to be the cause for Nik's stress. "You... you had sex? And now you're, what, hiding?"

"Yes, I'm hiding, because she doesn't know who I am, Gregor, and she has severe trust issues, and I think I might actually have feelings for her!"

"Right..." Gregor lowered himself into his own chair, still processing everything. "So you had sex with your fake girlfriend, and now you think that you've got feelings."

"Yes. Saints, this is horrible."

"Well, it's not brilliant."

"Of course it isn't!"

"So-" Gregor broke off, sighing as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. "Just... talk to her. I'm sure she'll understand." Nik just stared at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape.

"You have met Y/n, haven't you? Doesn't like men in general, hates liars, had a very strong opinion on my personality based purely on what I look like?"

"She likes you too, idiot. She'd just rather die before admitting that she's got feelings for somebody again."

"What? She said that?"

"Not directly," Gregor shrugged, delighting in the way that the younger man sat up eagerly. "But she talks about you a lot, and she doesn't always have a demonic gleam in her eye like she wants to kill you when she does so. Besides, she's tolerated your presence a lot longer than she would if she didn't like you that way."

"Really? That still doesn't mean she won't react badly though. You know her, Gregor, she's not going to wrap me in a hug and ask me to marry her for lying to her face for weeks. I've gained her trust, and she's going to feel like I've broken it, and then she'll think that I'm like Davor, and I can't have her think I'm like him, because he's awful, and-"

"Alright! Take a breath, yeah? Look. At some point, she's gonna find out that you've been... obscuring certain parts of your life, yeah?" Nik nodded. "So she might as well find out from you, and it might as well happen very soon, because otherwise she will literally never talk to you again. Now, you've got it going for you that you have a genuine reason for not openly advertising who you really are, and from what I can tell, your intentions are good. Davor was an asshole- well, he still is, to be honest," Gregor swallowed, moving on quickly. "You at least are a good guy, yeah? So hopefully Y/n won't hate you for too long."

"Okay. I'll tell her later. Oh Saints, this won't be pretty, will it?"

"Not likely, no. But it's gotta be done, yeah?"

"Thank you, Gregor. Really." He nodded, smiling gently at Nik. They sat in silence for a while, Gregor staring mindlessly out the window and Nik with his hands over his face. "Did somebody break in?" Nik's voice was suddenly too loud in the office, and Gregor stiffened.

"Why?"

"Your paperwork is messier than usual. And the picture frame is wonky." Nik pointed to the photo of Gregor as a child, his parents and siblings surrounding him. He was right; it had been knocked. "Gregor... did something happen?"

"No. Nothing that matters. It's fine." He pushed out of the armchair, moving toward the door to the rest of the shop. Nik followed, springing up to stop him before he could leave and placing a hand on his arm. The action made Gregor flinch, and Nik took his hand back, concern clear on his face.

"Seriously, what happened?"

"Davor. He uh- he came in before you got here. Wanted to know stuff about you, asking questions about who you are. I didn't tell him anything, you know how good I am at keeping secrets, but he pushed me against that wall, that's why the picture's off. I'm fine, promise." Nik cursed under his breath, and Gregor looked down at his shoes. He was a grown man, for fuck's sake. Why was he scared of somebody thirty years younger than him? It was embarrassing, how threatened he felt, but he couldn't help it.

"Hey," Nik's voice was soft, and Gregor felt ashamed at the feel of tears on his cheeks. "I'll see what he wants, okay? See if I can get him out the town, yeah? If I really have to I'll write to the palace and come up with some grand masterplan to have him sent away to the Southern Colonies or something."

"You don't need to do that, Nik. It's alright. I'm fine."

"You keep saying that, but you're clearly not. If he's threatened you then I'm going to find out what it is he's after, okay? He needs to know that he can't keep doing this." Gregor met Nik's eyes, the sight slightly blurry from his tears but the sincerity in his gaze clear as anything. Gregor had never really understood how an entire country could put their trust in one man like they had with Nikolai when he was king, but seeing the determination and promise in his eyes, Gregor knew that Nikolai would do what he said.

It was a shame, really, that rumours had a tendency to ruin things. Nikolai would most certainly have been the best King that Ravka ever had.

~~~

When Y/n woke up, she frowned at the lack of warmth in the hotel room.

It didn't come as much of a surprise, given the incredibly shitty temperature control in the hotel and the fire dying out overnight, but usually she woke up on Nik's chest, his body heat keeping her warm.

Instead the bed was empty, and his clothes were gone.

Blinking the last of the sleep away, Y/n took deep breaths, hoping that Nik had simply gone to get breakfast, or was needed by Gregor. She stubbornly refused to listen to the voice in her head that was telling her that he was just like Davor, and pushed back the covers to get dressed.

A few minutes later footsteps sounded on the stairs, and the door was pushed open slowly (clearly trying not to disturb anyone) followed by Nik entering the room. "Oh, you're awake."

"Yeah. Not been up long. Where have you been?" It was awkward, an obvious tension in the air. Y/n was also stubbornly refusing to remember the night before.

"Went to see Gregor. Davor visited him, threatened him. I'm going to go and talk to him in a bit. Oh, I got breakfast, too." He passed over a brown paper bag, and Y/n recognised it as one of hers from the bakery.

"Thanks," she replied, internally wincing at the silence that followed. "I should... I should head to work."

"Yeah, of course." He moved to the side, freeing up the doorway. Y/n paused on her way out, one hand holding the door open, the other clutching the bag for dear life.

"Should- maybe- are we...? Should we talk?" She could feel her face heat up, and to her relief Nik started blushing too. At least she wasn't the only one flustered by the events of last night.

"Uh, yeah? Yes, talking would be good." Y/n let go of the door, angling her body towards his. "Oh, you mean now? Okay."

"Would you rather... talk later? I just thought-"

"No, no, now is fine, I- You said you needed to- never mind. Uh, what did you want to talk about?" He winced, clearly unhappy with how he'd just handled that, and Y/n stifled a snort.

"Just, you know. We're not meant to be actually dating, but last night was... Well, I don't know that I can fake date you anymore, Nik." He stared at her, and suddenly the slight confession felt silly.

"What- what are you trying to say? That you want to- to date for real?"

"I guess? I don't know, this is confusing for me, okay?" Y/n felt herself smiling. "I think I might actually have feeli-"

"Don't." Nik's voice was rough, and her smile faded. "You don't... you don't know me, and I'm scared that you'll hate me for it." He sounded strangled, like it was causing him physical pain to say the words, and Y/n's heart plummeted in her chest.

"So tell me, Nik. Tell me, because I want to know! And I hate myself for letting you in when I told myself I wouldn't fall for anybody again, but you and your persistent personality wriggled their way into my life and now I don't know that I can go without you, so tell me." He looked pained, and paler than usual. "Please," she whispered, barely registering how desperate she sounded. When he didn't speak for a while, Y/n gave up, turning to leave. "I've got to get to work, but I'll see you later at the mansion, right? We've only got seven days left now." Nik nodded, and Y/n sighed as she closed the door behind her. Her stomach growled and she opened the bag, peering inside.

He'd got her favourite.

~~~

Nikolai Lantsov could talk himself out of any situation, and could manipulate every conversation to his advantage, but somehow he'd managed to lose that ability when Y/n had walked in to his life.

He wished he could go back to hating her, because that was so much easier than loving her.

He hadn't missed the way that she implied that she'd fallen in love with him, but knowing that he'd been lying to her about his identity for the past three weeks made him feel guilty for being pleased that she reciprocated his feelings. He told himself that he'd tell her everything later that day, when they were in the mansion so that it was just the two of them, and the unease at not knowing how she would react crept up his spine and sat heavy on his mind.

He turned a corner, boots coming into contact with the wooden planks of the docks. He'd shoved his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the sea breeze as he scanned for Davor.

"Can I help you?"

Whirling around, Nikolai saw the very man he was searching for, and he wondered where the hell he'd appeared from. "I was looking for you, actually. Heard you paid a visit to Gregor this morning, asking about me?"

"Yeah."

Nikolai resisted the urge to slap his palm to his forehead, or scream in frustration at the monosyllabic answer. Or to do both. "What did you want to know? You could have just asked me, you know. You don't have to go around threatening people." Davor shrugged.

"Would you really tell me what I wanted to know?"

"Depends on what it is," Nikolai cracked a smile, internally praising the man for using a long sentence for once.

"Why are you pretending to date Y/n?" Nikolai hid his shock, pushing the demon down in his mind when it rose up in outrage.

"I'm not," he replied slowly, letting confusion lace his features and a disbelieving laugh come out. "Why do you think that we're faking it? Are you jealous that she's moved on?"

"You are faking it, I know you are." Davor smiled then, but Nikolai hadn't seen anything less joyful since the Darkling. It was cold and cruel, and he suppressed a shudder. "I have proof." Nikolai's mind was racing, trying to think of anything that Davor could have seen or heard to draw that conclusion, and he tried to not let the panic show on his face.

"Well," he said, allowing an incredulous smile to appear. "I'd love to know what it is!" That was the key: don't let anybody see how you really felt. Let them think that you have the upper hand, that you believe that your version of it is the truth, and then the situation is yours to handle.

"I don't think so. I'm talking to Y/n's mother in a bit. In the square. Everybody will know that you're fakes, using this stupid excuse for her stupid dream. Seven days, right? Time's a-ticking, Dominik. I'll see you in the square?" He turned and walked off back towards the town centre, and Nikolai could only stare after him, fear creeping up his spine.

No no no no no, he thought, panicking. This isn't good.

~~~

Y/n had been taking her lunch break when it all went to shit.

She'd barely been out the shop for five minutes when she saw Davor talking to her mother, and immediately she knew that whatever it was couldn't have been good. None of that was helped by the mildly disastrous conversation that she'd had with Nik that morning, and now she didn't know where she stood with him.

She'd frozen upon seeing the two of them, causing people wandering around in the busy marketplace to bump in to her, frowning slightly when they did so. Her throat started closing up, her chest tightening and making it difficult to breath, and her breaths came much shorter and sharper than normal. Now people were frowning for a different reason, some looking like they wanted to help but not entirely sure what to do, and others frowning because she was starting to make a scene. Y/n barely registered them though, unable to tear her eyes away from Davor and her mother. Everything was too close and too far away all at once, and was the world spinning? Fuck, she needed to move, to get out, to leave, but her body wouldn't let her. She wasn't sure how long she stood there, whether it was two seconds or two hours, but she did notice when a figure blocked out the sun and wrapped her in his arms, murmuring softly in her ear that 'it's alright, darling' as one hand stroked her back and the other tangled in her hair. Eventually her breathing matched his, and each breath she took smelt entirely of Nik, and she pulled her head away from his chest.

"What happened, darling?" he asked, voice quiet and gentle as he moved the hand in her hair to cup her cheek instead, thumb brushing away the tears that had slipped out.

"Da-" she coughed, her voice rough. "Davor. He's talking to my mother." Nik's eyes widened, and he whipped his head around to follow her gaze.

"Shit. Okay. I spoke to him, just now, he thinks this is fake and he seems to be sure that he has proof."

"W-What?" The tears threatened to fall again, everything too fragile and likely to break at any moment. Nik hadn't moved his hands and she was glad for it; the action kept her grounded. He glanced around, biting his lip as he furrowed his brow in thought before moving them over to a quiet spot.

"We need to figure out what's going on with us," he started.

"Yeah, no shit. I mean, how are we meant to convince people that we're in a relationship if we ourselves don't fucking know?" He sighed, running a hand over his face.

"Ok, then let's talk." He stared at her expectantly, but Y/n only stared back.

"You're the one that needs to talk, Nik. I think I've made myself clear enough. I want to date you, for real, and I want to know you. If you don't want that then tell me now and we'll figure something else out."

"I'm afraid, alright? I'm afraid that if you know the truth, you'll hate me, and you won't want to be with me."

"So... does that mean that... you do want to be with me?"

"Saints, of course I do. I'd be an idiot to not want to wake up with you every morning, or fall asleep next to you every night. To not want to be the one holding your hand, or kissing you, or to be the one that you love. I just- I know how you felt about me when we first met, and I know that Davor really fucked your view of men, and I don't want to be the reason that gets worse."

Y/n didn't reply for a while, and Nik started to look worried that she was going to agree with him, and tell him to leave and never talk to her again.

Before she could respond, having looked up and seen his concerned expression, Evalina appeared.

"I hear you're single, handsome," the woman purred, and Nik visibly cringed away from her. She cast a look at Y/n, sneering as she grabbed Nik's arm.

"No, I'm not," he said, voice hard.

"Well word is that you two are faking it." Another sneer. "So I think that means you're here for the taking." She was winding her fingers up his arm, and Y/n couldn't bear to watch anymore. She shoved Evalina away, taking Nik's arm defensively.

"Stay the fuck away from him." She vaguely noted the shock on the other woman's face, and the glare on her own, and before she had time to think about anything she'd marched off in the direction of the mansion, leaving Nik behind.

~~~

"Dominik? Could we have a word?" Y/m/n called out, and Nikolai wanted to punch something. He needed to follow Y/n, and figure out what their plan was, but her mother was very insistent and wouldn't let him leave. "Now. Davor here tells me that you and my daughter were faking a relationship so that she could spend council money and do up the mansion."

"That's a lie," Nikolai growled, and he felt the demon stir.

"Well I think that Davor is more believable than you, Dominik." Nikolai's laugh was humourless, and he looked between the two of them. Y/m/n was smug, thinking that she had the upper hand, and Davor was... well Davor was impassive as always, but for the glint in his eye that seemed somewhat sharper than normal.

"I'm sorry, you actually believe him over your own daughter?"

"Y/n hasn't been a good daughter for a while now, not since she met you. Davor was always good to her, so yes, I'll believe him over her any day." Nikolai could only stare in horror at the woman. How could she despise her own daughter that much?

"Fuck you," he said, turning on his heel. He wasn't going to waste his time talking to her when she wasn't going to care about a word he said.

"Excuse me?"

"I said fuck you. Have you ever stopped to think about her, or was it always about what you wanted?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" She looked outraged, and Nikolai thought she didn't have any right to do so.

"You've fucking destroyed her, do you know that? She hates you for what you've done, and you will never fix that. You've pushed so hard for Y/n to be what you want her to be and you have never once considered what she wants to be. You have never asked what her dreams are, her goals, her aspirations. You don't listen to her when you need to, because you are already busy thinking about how to convince her to do what you want, and she hates you for it. And if either of you go near either of us again, I will fucking ruin you, okay? Because I love her, and I will not let you destroy her again." He left them behind, not caring that he'd finished by shouting, and went in search of Y/n.

~~~

Everything sucked.

Y/n blamed it entirely on Davor, of course, since he was the reason she couldn't trust men properly, and Nik was so good and wonderful that it hurt that she couldn't express her fears about being in a relationship with him. It's not that she didn't want to; Saints, she hadn't wanted anything this much since the mansion when she was a kid, but there was so much that could go wrong or hurt her more than Davor hurt her, and she'd promised herself that she wouldn't let her heart be shattered again.

She'd been about to tell him all of that, tell him that she was afraid too, but by the Saints she wanted to try, when Evalina appeared, and then the doubts about whether Nik would always stay with Y/n or move on to somebody better, somebody prettier, crept in, and she couldn't bear the knowledge that she would always have competition making her feel like she wasn't enough and had left.

Shoving Evalina had felt good though.

Now Y/n was hiding in the mansion, which wasn't terribly effective as a hiding spot since she spent a lot of her time in the building and it was probably the first place that anybody would look for her, but it calmed her. A soft knock on the door startled her slightly, and when she looked up she expected to see Nik.

"Dad?"

"Hey, thought I might find you here. What's going on?" He came and sat down next to her on the floor, pulling her into his side and stroking her back while she cried into his shirt. Y/n explained everything: how she and Nik had faked the relationship so that her mother would give her the grant for the building and so that Nik could stop worrying about being grabbed by Evalina and the other women in town, how she'd hated him at first but loved him now, and he felt the same, and how she thought she would always be scared that it would only be a matter of time before Nik realised that he was better off without her and left. When she'd finished, her tears had long since dried, and her voice was hoarse from crying.

"I just don't know what to do, Dad. Because I know Nik, and I know he's not Davor, but he's right. Davor did really fuck with my view of men and I don't know how to fix that."

"I think you just need to tell him how you feel, love. He's a good guy, I know he is, and I'm sure that he'll understand and he'll want to help you- don't you look at me like that, you need somebody to help you. I don't care if you're an independent woman because people, no matter what, need somebody that loves them unconditionally, and Nik is that somebody for you."

"You mean that?"

"Absolutely. Please, just tell him all of this."

"Okay. I'll go find him," Y/n sniffled, wiping her face and standing up.

"Atta girl." Her father had stood up too, and was dusting off his trousers. "Y/n?"

"Yeah?"

"I uh, I don't want you to think that it's your fault, at all," he started, expression earnest. "But, well..."

"Spit it out, Dad," she joked.

"I'm divorcing your mother."

Y/n could only stare at him in shock, not entirely sure where this was coming from. Her mother might be a bitch but she at least thought that her parents loved each other. "What? Why?"

"Because we haven't loved each other for a few years now. I don't think I ever realised that until I saw you with Nik, but it's true. You look at each other like you're looking at the person that hung the stars, and it's beautiful. But I haven't looked at your mother like that for some time now, and I am quite sure that she is the same. Besides, she's been a colossal bitch to you the past month, and you're my sun, alright?" Y/n let out a wet laugh at the last part, and was startled to realise that she was crying again, the tears silently slipping down her cheeks. "Now. You go find that boy of yours, yeah?"

"Yeah," she nodded, wrapping her arms tightly around her father. "I love you, Dad."

"Love you too, Y/n."

~~~

Nikolai was shitting himself.

Not literally, of course, but he might as well be with the amount of nerves coursing through his body right now. He'd managed to get the last word in earlier when talking to Y/m/n and Davor, but apparently people had overheard the topic of their conversation and rumours spread like wildfire in this town, people already questioning the legitimacy of their relationship. He made his way into the mansion just as Y/f/n was leaving, and when he saw Y/n stood in the middle of the front room wiping the last of her tears away his heart clenched.

"... Are you... okay?" He wasn't sure she wanted him here, given how quickly she'd left earlier, but her responding hug put him slightly more at ease.

"Not really," she said, although it was muffled since her face was pressed into his chest. "I'm glad you're here though, Nik. Really really glad." He brought his arms around her, holding her tightly, and he squeezed his eyes shut with a frown.

"I have to tell you something," he said, voice quiet and filled with fear. Y/n lifted her head to look up at him, and seeing her soft smile he felt queasy.

"What is it, Nik?" When he only opened and closed his mouth a few times, strangled noises coming out instead of words, she tried again. "Dominik?" Y/n was the one frowning now, clearly unsure why he was acting so strangely, and the use of his supposed full name made his decision easier.

"That's not... that's not my name." He was looking anywhere but at her, swallowing thickly and tensing his muscles repeatedly for any hope of distraction, but her own body stiffening against his wouldn't let him concentrate on anything else.

"What do you mean that's not your name?" she asked slowly.

"It's-" he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a few steps back. "My name isn't Dominik, it's Nikolai."

"Wha- what are you going on about?"

"I can't keep lying to you about who I am, Y/n, not if I want to properly date you. You said you wanted to know me, right?" She nodded, although the action was distant. "Well, this is me," he spread his arms out and then let them drop back to his sides, desperation starting to creep in to his body language. "I'm Nikolai, not Dominik, and my last name isn't Opus, either. It's Lantsov. Or Opjer, I'm not actually sure. But I'm Nikolai Lantsov, the previous King of Ravka."

Y/n froze, clearly unsure how to respond.

---

Of all the things she thought that he would say, it hadn't been anywhere near that. "W- you- what?"

"I'm Nikol-"

"No I got that, I'm just... very confused. Why the fuck would you hide that? You're being serious, right? This isn't a joke?"

"It's not a joke, I'm being completely serious. And I know that I've lied to you about who I am-"

"Yeah, no shit!"

"-but I did it to start over, to have a new life, and also because there is a very high sum of money on my head in foreign nations and I quite like it attached to my neck! And I'm sorry, okay? But when you said this morning that-" he gasped, running out of air. "When you said this morning that you wanted to date for real I couldn't do that without telling you the truth, because I know how you feel about liars and people that look like me, okay? And I'm telling you now because I need to know if there is any possible chance that you'll still have me, because I have fallen completely and irrevocably in love with you, Y/n. So please, if there is any chance, I'll take it." He'd moved closer to her during his speech, arms gesturing wildly as he went on, and he was close enough that she could reach up and kiss him if she wanted to.

Instead she stepped back, expression blank as she tried to figure out which emotion to wear. She vaguely registered Nik's- Nikolai's pained face, and her own head shaking as she brought a hand up to her mouth.

"I- I can't- what?" The last word was quiet, her voice breaking as she tried not to cry. She didn't want to; he had a logical reason for not telling the truth, and he felt the same as her, Saints damn it, but some irrational part of her told her that he was lying about other things too, and it would only be a matter of time before he was lying about loving her. It was ridiculous, how badly Davor still affected her, and she really thought that she could change with Nik, but apparently not. She did want him, like she wanted air, but right now it was too much, and she felt like her lungs would burst from the pressure. "I'm sorry," she whispered, tears pricking at her eyes as she turned away. "I can't... I don't know... I can't do this right now," she sobbed, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes. She felt Nik's hand on her shoulder, light and fleeting before it disappeared and took his warmth with it. Dimly Y/n registered his words.

"That's okay. I'll wait."

Chapter 8

[rogueddie]

I am sorry for my rambling. I have a thing about Steve and pain. Like.

Steve most likely learned to ignore his pain because his parents never acknowledged them. They barely even acknowledge him, so he's terrible at gauging how bad anything is. By his standards, if he's walking, he should be okay.

And then Steve can sorta understand he's not okay from watching others in the Party, but doesn't ask for help because, one, he never learned how to, two, he doesn't think he deserves it. I adore Robin but I always flinch a little when she calls a man who's been tortured an asshole right after said torture and Steve just. Lets her.

I don't blame her because they were coming off a truth serum but man. Steve's reaction. Barely anything. Just a matter of truth to him, however painful. In his mind, he is still the asshole, so better for him to suffer than others. Like, what's more pain to him? It's just more paint. He takes it and walks it off. Actually, worse, he throws himself into more danger.

And if you rewatch season one, Steve isn't as terrible as others make him out to be. He says some heartless shit, sure, and he never does anything further than admonishing Tommy and Carol when they get cruel. But he was a kid, a teenager, surrounded by people who enabled the worst of his habits and no parents to teach him any better, he (and others) should cut him some slack. He does not. He fights tooth and nail to protect others, but he has no pity for himself. He doesn't ask for gratitude. He kind of. Breaks my heart.

Okay, rambling over. I will no longer spam your askbox, thank you for having me.

no no ramble more it gives me an excuse to ramble myself and there's nothing I love more than just rambling adfgfdsa

the thing about steve learning to ignore his pain bc his parents never acknowledged him? ouch but also- what if it leaves him convinced that he can just sleep any injury off and be fine? he's sure that it'll be fine eventually, just give it time. but that's how he ends up with permanent, long-term issues? because he keeps putting it off until it's too late to actually do anything to help prevent it?

and robin? the calling him an asshole thing is way worse than you're making it sound. she wasn't on truth serum, she was just stressed and probably hysterical. it's entirely understandable, she probably went through heavy shit herself, but that wasn't her under the influence of anything.

its just worse that his dialogue really shows how deep that 'bullshit' speech cut him and how he's clearly not healed from that. its why he accepts the insult so easily, doesnt seem to doubt that robin means hes still an asshole.

and season 1 steve is my baby. only because people go so hard on him, he really wasnt that bad. not good by any means but he's not what people say. so he's my baby now and I will bite anyone who comes at him.

[gurathins]

the whole mind body soul section for an oc of your choice :^)

YEAGHHHH THANK UUUU i'm gonna pick toby bc it's its bday tomorrow. so i am thinking about it JFJGKCNCK

super long oc ask game

What is a habit your character has that others might find cute?

HMMM taking naps? especially bc it is mostly sleeping curled up like a cat. Toby sleeps a lot because it's tired like, all the time? And thing is, it just can't sleep straight because it's limbs feel weird if it tries JFBNGKCNGN so it sleeps in the weirdest positions ever.

Are there particular sounds your character is fond of?

Tobias loves the sound keyboards make when you type hehehe <3 Birds singing, too, and the sound of leaves shaking in the wind. Really loves rain and thunder, could sit happily at its balcony and listen to them.

Is your character more prone to fight or flight?

Toby's typical response was fawn for a very long time, fitting its tendency to people please and its deer in headlights vibes. It does tend to flight more often nowadays and sometimes ends up in a fight response.

rest under cut:

Does your character believe in myths and fairy tales?

No! But Tobias does think that they are important bc of the life lessons you can pull out from them hehe :3

What words could tear your character down?

Honestly anything that hits its low self-worth. Doesn't even need to be anything big.

How well does your character act under pressure?

OUGH depends on the duration of said pressure. If it gets over in like a few hours or days max, it would be fine and it would actually make it more productive, which is why it tends to set own deadlines to actually get shit done. THOUGH, it may also get a bit, well, snappy and overly sarcastic if one were to come annoy it while it's working on something, or if someone's adding more pressure or just simply trying to annoy it. Like here, for example. It also feels really bad for that kind of action afterwards. Like, really bad. Toby doesn't like being rude.

As for pressure that stays there for a long time? If others look at it, Toby looks like it's doing fine, maybe a bit more twitchy and annoyed, less optimistic? If you look inside its head, though, the more pressure there is the more stressed and anxious it is, with gradually creeping paranoia and self-destructive behavior. Do NOT leave it in that kind of situation for a long time.

Is your character good at practicing self-care?

YEAGH self care georg. Put its wellbeing above its responsibilities very often (unless someone specifically asked it to do something). Never misses its skincare routines and daily showers, takes a lot of naps if needed, does things that make it happy. The only thing it could get better at though is, well, eating properly. Misses its lunches all the time.

What scents does your character find comforting?

Coffee! Toby really loves the scent of coffee and feels v nice bc of it hehe <3 One of the reasons why it has so many empty coffee cups laying around it's work desk.

It also likes the smell of cigarettes. Not when you smoke them but when they're unused. For some reason their scent is surprisingly comforting for Tobias 😭

It also likes the scent of ethanol a lot. Toby can sometimes be seen smelling it in a lab when it's having a bad day. People who happen to see it do that ignore it most of the time JFJGKKGNCNCN One of the reasons it's kinda sad it gets to hang out in labs much less nowadays now that it's a senior chemist and its schedule is mostly filled with paperwork and other kind of stuff.

Does your character have any allergies?

HAY FEVER ‼️ Gets runny nose and red eyes and stuff like that :/ And walnuts. Not dangerously, it can eat it them but gets this weird feeling in its mouth/throat if it does wnkfkgcnkckgnrk

Is your character a light, medium or heavy sleeper?

Light, gets woken up very easily from the slightest of noise or movement. Finds it hard to fall asleep again after that bc it will start worrying about waking up in the middle of the night 😭

Does your character have strong willpower?

Not unless it cares about things very strongly. Easily gives up or abandons things that it knows will take too much energy and resources to finish, thus making them not rational things to do in its opinion. If it's something it cares about, then it will definitely be determined to finish it, though maybe taking it slow and like, leaving things untouched for a while to focus on something else instead.

Is your character more likely to give advice or seek it?

Give advice! Tobias loves helping people and that's one of the ways it does it hehehe

How does your character relax?

Toby finds reading books very relaxing, and also enjoys video games and crafts a lot. Sometimes it ends up going to do some sports for fun, it really enjoys basketball, badminton and jogging (all of which are also bad for its knees, though. It doesn't care.)

Is there a secret thing your character longs to hear?

OUGH probably someone telling it that it's enough and doesn't need to try to be better at anything. Show it that it does not need to strive for the best results and that it is still a person worth caring about even if it doesn't do anything.

That it's loved or cared about, maybe? Especially back in its long hair era when it felt really lonely.

Does your character have a sleep routine?

In a way? It drinks a cup of tea like two hours before going to bed while reading or watching Klara's favorite tv show, then goes to bathroom to brush its teeth and do its skincare etc., and then goes back to do something relaxing. Sometimes it also eats a small snack in the evening.

Would your character feel confident in a fight?

No. It's running away. Please don't make it fight it sucks at it.

UM that said, Toby did ask Klara to like, teach it some moves in case something happens, and, well, I guess it could defend itself? Maybe.

Is your character more energized in the morning, afternoon or at night?

Afternoon! I'd say it's at its best from 2pm to sunset, then somewhat energized during evening/beginning of night. It has little to no energy during mornings and honestly has to fight itself to not to fall asleep during morning meetings.

How often does your character have nightmares?

Every now and then, not completely enough to say "often" but not so little to say "sometimes", either. Tobias tends to especially get them if it's sleeping alone (for example if Klara's on a work trip or something) or had a stressful day.

Are there scents your character dislikes?

Flowers JEJFJJFFJFK They're really strong and make its nose itch and head hurt.

Is there a fear your character wants to learn to overcome?

Fear of big bodies of water, or the ones where you can't see the ground 😭 The idea of swimming in the ocean sounds so fun until Tobias remembers that it is big and murky where it lives. Doesn't stop it from hanging out on the beach tho but man, it'd love to go run in the water w Klara.

If your character had to act in a play what role would they think they’d best perform?

Narrator! Toby's good at talking and can make the most boring stuff sound fun.

Does your character have a high pain tolerance?

BFBFJKFKFKF kinda? Um it has chronic pain that basically makes it barely able to walk properly, but if we're talking about things like, well, injuries and all then I'd say yes it does have a high pain tolerance.

[cluelylikesporn]

okay exam update cuz im actually really pissed off.

so im autistic + adhd, and only been diagnosed relatively recently, so i havent really been getting assistance until now. (autism diagnosis last year, adhd 2 years ago.)

my last exam was (still is) this period, and im going home once i finish it. one of my other exams i was sent to special ed (it’s called different things in australia and other schools but i dont wanna get doxxed) and the chick helping me (we’ll call her charlie) told me she couldnt even read the questions out to me… like i legit get more help in my normal exam conditions.

she told me WHILE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK “i think i know why your so upset, because you know you dont listen in class and just sleep and draw on your hand.” cunt, what..?

HOW ARE YOU WORKING WITH NEURODIVERGENT KIDS..?

i literally have spent my whole life wondering why i cant listen in class and hearing “just reread it.” or “your not listening hard enough.” is so fucking tiring. maybe explain it? she refused to help me because i “wasnt approved” to have a helper

the school knows im autistic so why do i have to be approved to get the help i need? like you dont have to make up all these forms and files. you have teachers who can help me literally in the building who could help me but you refuse.

okok i got rlly off topic but tldr on what happened today:

my teacher sent me to the special ed area to do my exam (last time he did they told me to go back) also shout out to my english teacher hes a legend. he gave me my sheet, i took a ritalin, said bye to the people i liked and left. (i used to take ritalin daily but now i jst take it to focus better in exams and shit)

i went to se and saw a couple kids i knew. one i hated and didnt know why he was there, one who has some mental problems so i understood why he was there. hes a sweetie. and some chick i knew who broke her wrist and had to write on a laptop.

so one by one they were assigned a teacher who would sit with them and help them/ read out questions and then the lady said “oh chloe your not supposed to be here, you have to go back to class.”

are you fucking kidding me.

i completely understand its not her or my teachers fault im not meant to be there, but im allowed to be a little frustrated. i asked why i kept getting sent here and why i couldn’t get help.

same shit about documents and boring stuff.

keep in mind i get ndis funding so i thought that would impact my education experience but nope, literally nothing. i also understand there could be things my mum hasnt done and that’s completely ok she has her own life, but also THE SCHOOL KNOWS IM AUTISTIC. that should be enough. its like i only get the help if i start ditching class and become an eshay or some shit like i shouldnt have to become a troubled kid to get help.

so the lady said my only benefit i even got from the school is like 5 minutes extra time. and she told me i could either go back to class or do my exam here( which means i could get no help/ questions read to me.)

ngl this was dumb of me but i said ok bc i didnt want to go back to class after saying bye to everyone😭

so i sat there with one airpod in, a pen that didnt fucking work, the only help i could get was eavesdropping on what the assistant teachers were saying but they were so quiet. i did manage to write some stuff but it was pretty fucking stressful. i couldnt stop thinking about what charlie said (the lady helping me with my maths the week before.)

this may sound super dumb but i saw a crow fly onto a table outside and i felt like it was watching over me. like it was looking right at me. it made me feel a bit better and i got some work done.

it wouldve been fine if those fucking assistant teachers didnt keep giving me pitiful looks like bro. i know im fucked.

anyway i finished my exam (barely) and went to the bathroom to tell my friend ab what happened, caught a bus home and am about to play dbd 😾

sorry for the long post im jst so pissed😭 but ily guys and ill post i swear🙏

song of the day:

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

[the-bonnie39]

newer intro and dni page ig

heyo! im Bon (please note that i will let like a handful of people call me Bonnie so if you see anyone referring to me as that, its just a friend :]) my pronouns are he/him/they/them and maybe even it/its (im a lil unsure so in a sort of trail stage-) i should add that i am autistic so sometimes it can be hard for me to learn some shit or understand it (i didnt know what moots- or mutual where for years and have embarrassed myself so many times bc of it) i do struggle to make the first move of talking to people so-

account are @bonnie39-reblogs (i post mainly art here when i make it)

fandoms im in! :D -

-(debating on leaving) dsaf-fnaf-madcom-bugbo-ace attorney-furry community-regretavator-amazing digital circus-good omens-slime rancher-sally face-monster prom-little nightmares-spirit fare-dialtown!!!!-weird core-undertail-batim-the stanley parable-mandela catalouge-walten files-ena-spooky month-portal-baldurs Gate 3-Pokémon-(sorta) jjba

im just gonna get a dni out the way very quickly as i have tried to use cards and such- no clue how to use em ._.

proshippers, pedo/maps, nazis, homophobes/transphobes, people i have blocked for a reason (you know who you are, if you're stalking my page, its fucking desperate, fuck off) people who are aware someone is super controversial and still supports them, nsfw accounts (i can not stress this enough. you will be blocked on the spot, i am still a minor) Alfred playhouse fans (i do not care what excuse you have for watching and enjoying it, you're not welcome here) anti furrys/therians (reminder that the "animals" you threaten to kill are infact real fucking humans.) kink accounts (you guys are on the biggest no no list) might add more later but for now thats it.

i would like to say this is a safe place for anyone else unless you're just a outright piece of shit or asshole, also should note that please for the love of god just- dont be outright creepy- like im fine with sex jokes and all that, including dark humour but as long as it doesn't get ablest or overall creepy you're more then welcome to just come chill :]

another thing- if i am supporting someone controversial TELL ME i supported and defended someone who had allegations and others saying they have seen god awful art from a person and no one told me for ages- which lead to many- many angry rants from me because i was upset that i was being harassed.

oh also i am infact aroace :D and this is a safe place for any lgbtqia+ members as long as you dont exclude others in our community :^

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey sex witch, I'm ace and this has made it really hard to lose my virginity. Bc I have an entirely different mental and emotional perception of sex than most. I honestly don't even know where to start with flirting. Additionally, I don't enjoy kissing and find trying new things to be v stressful. But this is something that I really want to try and see if a few times down the line i might really like it. After all I do have a high libido and a fascination with porn. I just don't see PEOPLE as attractive and not many people want to sleep with someone not attracted to them unless its a quick easy fuck. But with no experience I cannot be either of those things. I'm also just afraid to be bad at it. Any advise?

hi anon,

you've given me sooooo much to parse through here and I'm going to have to say a lot of words to address it all, and I just want to say right off the bat that if at any point I sound mean that is not my intent and everything I say comes from a place of care and concern.

now, having said that:

right off the bat I'm gonna say that based on what you're telling me, I think you should probably just... maybe not worry too much about having sex right now. it sounds like several points are causing significant stress and anxiety for you, and that's really not a great headspace in which to be exploring that. "I want to make myself power through it so I can learn to like it eventually" is great for like... eating veggies, or taking yoga classes, or reading Judith Butler. you know, things that won't have any real negative lasting impact? but I cannot in good conscience recommend that anybody takes up a new sexual activity in the hopes that they'll learn to like it eventually, especially not when that's your very first experience with having sex ever. that's a really great way to build up really negative sexual baggage really fast.

generally speaking, I advocate for holding out on sex until you're a good nervous - butterflies in tummy excitement nervous, not stressed out afraid don't think I'll like it nervous.

"but Makenzie," you're saying, "I have a high libido!" hey, that's awesome. you know what's also awesome? jacking off. jacking off is great and comes with none of the anxiety or potential pitfalls of partnered sex that you're not yet emotionally prepared for.

"but I'm fascinated by porn," you say, and that's also fine. you know what I like? stories about people having absolutely fucking harrowing life-threatening adventures. that absolutely does not mean that I'd do well in one of those situations or want to seek one out. dear god, I love living vicariously and watching other people do things that I'm not equipped to do. knife fights are sooooo sexy but I am NOT the right person to be having one. I'm a little baby who's afraid of getting stabbed. the same can absolutely be true of sex. hell, it is for tons of people - lots of people like porn and erotica depicting situations they'd never want to find themselves in for real, ranging from tentacle shit to getting ravaged by a pirate who definitely kidnapped you to whatever is going on over in the omegaverse.

now, having said all of that, I think it's also crucial to talk about a vital aspect to having partnered sex: a partner. that's kind of vital, and I want to talk about how you're conceptualizing potential sexual partners, because my beloved anon - I think it sort of sucks.

you mentioned that you're not attracted to other people, to which I say - what, not at all? there aren't people that you feel drawn to, that you enjoy spending time with, who you want to be around and get to know better? sexual attraction is one thing, and it's fine and dandy if that's not a thing you experience! but there must be something you like about some people that makes them seem like someone who could potentially make for a good sexual partner - someone who has a particularly great sense of humor, or who's really open-minded and patient, somebody who you really click with in other ways whose own sexual proclivities make you wonder if they might not be interested in exploring something with you.

if you've never encountered someone like that - genuinely awesome! if you've never met anyone that you think might be a good sexual partner then I'm ecstatic that you've never had sex! and if you have and the opportunity didn't arise - hey, no worries. your genitals aren't going anywhere, which is another reason why I really strongly recommend waiting until a time when the whole prospect seems a little less daunting.

you mention that no one wants to sleep with someone not attracted to them, but I have a follow up question - what are you bringing to a potential partner? again, sexual attraction is optional, but being, like, a bearable person to hang out with isn't. maybe you're not experiencing sexual attraction, but are you an interesting person to talk to? are you funny? do you make an effort to get to know people and their likes and interests? how much of an effort are you making to foster relationships in which sexual compatibility could even be on the table? you're coming at this from an angle of "no one wants to have sex with me because I'm ace," but I'm gonna be real with you - there are a lot of ace people who fuck severely. whether or not anyone is interested in you as a sexual partner has much, much less to do with your sexual orientation infinitely more to do with what you, as a person, are bringing to how you engage with others.

more than anything it involves being willing to speak about your interest and intent, being up front about what's a hard no for you (kissing, for instance) and where your interests lie instead, as well as comparing notes with potential partners to see where your sensibilities overlap. that is, incidentally, how you avoid being "bad at it." I don't really believe anyone is "bad" at sex, because there's not really a single definition of what it means to be "good" at sex - one person's yuck is another person's yum, after all. but you definitely can decided whether or not you want to be a conscientious and attentive partner, and that makes a hell of a lot of difference. if that sounds utterly undoable, that's very useful information - it's a great indicator that you aren't in a place where you should be having partnered sex! again, masturbation is rad, and requires much less communication.

tl;dr: it sounds like sex is a thing that would be much more stressful than fun for you right now, even if the opportunity arose. maybe just focus your attention elsewhere and revisit it if/when it feels less daunting.

[diamondcitydarlin]

So I quit that job I mentioned earlier lol, I hadn't done work for this particular company since the pandemic and it became very clear, very quickly that what was already tenuous, chaotic circumstances before all that has only rapidly deteriorated further since. There was no discernable like, assigned Project Manager for this nonsense, just like four separate people making decisions behind each other's backs, over each other's heads, so the situations with everything were constantly changing and in this chaos no one bothered to communicate any of these changes with me (probably because they weren't communicating with each other) while just sort of expecting me to keep up and hit the notes that no one wanted to make clear in the first place. Like, "well why isn't this done?" "uh because idiot #3 said this script wasn't finalized, I mean not to me personally but openly in the chat to everyone" "WE CAN STILL USE THIS SCRIPT" "UHM NO WE CAN'T NOT UNTIL ITS FINALIZED SO WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN" "IDK ASK IDIOT #2 WHO NEVER ANSWERS THEIR DMS ANYWAY" like what the actual fuck?? I was already getting so stressed out by this lack of any sense of cohesion whatsoever, but my breaking point was on Sunday when I had made it clear I wasn't going to be available and everyone was like yea yea cool that's fine (like, literally I live on land I'm responsible for upkeeping in the middle of the mountains now, if I step out of my house and into the depths of the property I am OUT OF SERVICE and I made it clear this was going to be the case MULTIPLE TIMES) and one of the bitches that's been going behind everyone's back and over their heads etc and is also some boomer lady with too much time on her hands CALLS ME FOUR TIMES BEFORE 7 AM ON SUNDAY TO ASK WHERE I AM AND WHAT I'M DOING like mam? You're not even my boss (hasn't stopped her from trying to treat me like her 20-something unpaid intern assistant though) and I made it clear multiple times that I'm not going to be available today "Well you're gonna have to be because we're very behind" AND THAT'S -MY- FAULT? THE ONE PERSON WHO HAS BEEN DOING THEIR ACTUAL JOB? I was just like yeah you know what actually I'm done with this as of today, pay me what I'm owed and don't contact me again

the worst part is that when I agreed to come on to help with this it was never communicated to me that I was going to be expected to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (bc literally this boomer lady with no boundaries would be texting me at 10 pm on Friday for no reason bc she has nothing better to do with her life) to a group of people that don't know their mouths from their assholes and are just using this a pissing contest with each other while treating me like absolute shit and getting absolutely nothing done. It has NEVER been this bad. I also wasn't told that I'd be treated like an intern despite very much not being hired as one and well past the time in this career path where that'd be an appropriate role for me. Like, I wasn't made aware of any of this bullshit before agreeing to HELP OUT.

That's the other shitty thing, is that this was to HELP OUT a professional friend that I've done many fun and successful productions with- and where is he through all of this? Mostly not there. Mostly just not available. Not communicating with me or anyone else. I'm not speaking to him now because I really feel like he threw me to the wolves with this one despite the many MANY times in our working relationship that I had gone out on limb for him and the times he had done the same for me! Thought we were cooler than this! GUESS NOT.

I'm somewhat disappointed with myself for accepting this in the first place knowing what I do of that company's bullshit (tho in my defense as I said, it had never been quite THIS bad) but mostly I'm disappointed with myself for once again thinking I could trust someone lol like DO I NOT KNOW BETTER? AFTER ALL THIS TIME OF PEOPLE FUCKING ME OVER, TREATING ME LIKE A NON-PRIORITY? AFTER SWEARING TO NOT DO THAT TO MYSELF ANYMORE? Unbelievable that I could be so naive!

But I think anger is due at these careless type of people too, idc how useless it is, how little it's going to change anything about them. Like where does one get the gall to treat someone they barely know, who does not report to them in a subservient capacity, as though they're Miranda Priestly and I'm their little underpaid assistant? Where does one get the gumption to think it's okay to violate work hour boundaries that were made explicitly clear before being hired? In all my days working in this industry (and maybe I got lucky a million times) I have never been treated with such disrespect for my own time, especially in a situation where NO ONE has the right to be ordering anyone else around.

I don't deserve that, and honestly neither would an inexperienced 20-year old (which I am very much not). Incredible. Unbelievable that in this day and age where people are not putting up with work place bullshit that there could still be some asshole doing it anyway, violating boundary after boundary without a care in the fucking world.

Yeah well suck on this, lady, now you have to do all the work yourself because I don't need this job in the first place as I have several others that actually pay well and don't treat me like crap. Eat shit uwu

[havethetouch]

life update

Soooo thing are funky over on my end. A bit. I mean go figure I am trying to sort through my fathers stuff so I can make room for my own and it's been... going. 'S like some stuff goes in the bins (like shoes or socks) and then I grab one ratty shirt and know when he wore it the last time and it takes me back and it's nice but hard and soft n shit. I am glad to have the pressure of needing to move in behind me it keeps me focused. I guess all of that would be harder under normal circustances but I don't do normal so its fine-ish.

Had a situation come up in the fam yesterday because of course we do but it's like the brother of my sworn sister who we got to worry about here which as fucked as it sounds, ain't as bad as all thenother stuff prior. At least here we have a plan and know what to do and nobody died and yes my baseline for maybe freaking out a bit is at this point death and after handeling so many I look at every other problem like something that does not require much panics and stress bc we gonna handle that we got this and everything will be alright.

Which, mind, is a good way to look at shit all things considered.

Anyway I have not yet had the time to move my computer, scanner and stuff I always fill up a luggage when I am at the flat and take stuff with me like some packrat. Still need to check if someone is available to help with furniture and stuff but my aim is to have my stuff cleared out completly by the end of March.

Sorry for the radio silence this move wasn't really planned yet like I stated before but it's a thing now and I gotta roll with that.

On another note, house is slowly getting warmer, it hasn't been heated for a while especially not through winter except for where the waterpipes are and the walls are thick, it was a bit funny having my first workday in a house that had 10.5 degrees I was bundled up with my coffee cup in hands but it was a good morning and good day.

I assumed wrongly that being there would be hard for me, and I mean it is when I go through the stuff of our deceased that has been stored there but it... it already feels like home? Home for me was always more tied to people close to me and living seperate from my sworn sister who is still home to me, seemed a bit wild and unfathomable weeks ago but we both do alright and this house... this house can be home to and I am so glad.

I'm also thankful for my aunt next door (the house is halved basically, we share the attic and have a backdoor connecting our properties) bc having her (and her husband) just a few steps away does help and she feeds me too which is a huge bonus bc I don't have the energy to cook properly and she has a routine going that does help with me not forgetting to eat in general as I'm wont to do.

So all in all, busy days, not always easy but in general things are looking up fine on my end is what I meant to say with all this.

[minarcana]

sorry for all the ooc, things are wrong with me. anyways i was in prae for the umpteenth time and every time im there all i can picture is the gaius that lives in my brain being forced to go through prae and its him with his head in his hands like "please. dont. dont make me remember being Like This"

im going to talk about gaius, sorry

(caveat: i have a better werlyt in my brain.)

his arc is that he went from a True Believer to "ah. these are people.". me forcing him to live thru prae era again is the cringe punishment cube.

a clarification to werlyt arc rewrite: yeah he did war crimes and he did them on purpose. he was aware they were war crimes. he knew that other legions did bad things, though he consistently underestimated the amount and cruelty of human experimentation going on. he knew other legions tended to treat eorzeans as lesser

however he really did believe in Something. he believed varis's propaganda and that varis was a benevolent leader, that it wasnt just primals but eorzea's belief in gods in general that were killing their own land bc he cant tell the difference between a primal and a god. he was fully committed to "these people are savages and heres some fuckin, fantasy version of the white mans burden" which is obviously incredibly wrong and fucked but yknow, it fuels the war machine. he was a soldier who never even thought to ask questions.

all he did was believe wholeheartedly in the propaganda fed to him and therefore rationalize "torching this entire country is fine, right". cannot stress enough i am not excusing the war crimes. im just making him a consistent character with a mildly rational arc. he super did those war crimes and did them on purpose. but he also did protect the war orphans his own war caused and had no issue whatsoever letting eorzeans who wanted to join the army to protect themselves do so. equality of opportunity providing you pledged fealty to garlemald, bc being of garlemald's population made you Better and Not A Savage and therein lies the line of who it's fine to kill if they fight back and who can be treated with respect.

unfortunately, ascians. gaius got his ass handed to him and the result is [nervous laughter] oh shit the army is super not infalliable and always right and very capable of and prone to wanton destruction instead of targeted attacks specifically to claim territory, hence the depression arc. he's pissed at ascians and wants to die. two birds one stone, hunt ascians till one of them kills him. meet people who want him dead and yknow theyve got a fucking point.

though he did still believe in the last vestige of "maybe things arent completely fucked and i didnt spend my entire life believing in utter bullshit lies?" that varis was a Good Emperor and Capable Of/Genuinely Interested In Ensuring Protection Of Garleans until the black rose incident. he still had a weird loyalty towards him that maybe he could get varis to like. not enact biological warfare against his own men. if he were just able to talk to him. but twas not to be and gaius essentially just [throws hands into air] OKAY! FINE! FUCK ME I GUESS!

hed already entirely lost faith that anything in garlemald's extant ruling structure could be salvaged while they still tried to wage war, weapon series just brought into light how deeply rotten the army had been the entire time when gaius had turned a blind eye to any operations that weren't his own.

if he met himself from his prae monologue now he'd strangle one of himself he doesnt care which one just free him from whatever this is hed Rather Die

the only thing im keeping him actually genuinely 100% totally unaware of from werlyt is the weird Thing livia had for him. shes out there hollering HIS BODY IS MINE as gaius is like "[completely out of earshot every time she does that] haha livia shes like a relative of mine i guess" and thats because i think its very funny.

on a SECOND DIGRESSION ABOUT PRAETORIUM

like. look. garleans cant use aether. i desperately want the explanation for how the fuck this man is pulling shadow clones out of his ass when he repels magic. i choose to believe the X beams are either ceruleum fire or aether cartridges charged by someone else but this cannot explain fuckin naruto shadow clone jutsu going on. what the fuck, gaius.

[s1nn3rwrld]

10th time // Edward Dalton x Reader

Tw: swearing, blood, knives, close biting, blood drinking

AN: so my nephew wanted to watch daybreakers today bc he saw his mom (my sister) watching it and since my sister wouldn’t let him watch it, being the cool uncle I am watched it for the 500th time (not kidding) with him and he loved it. So now my gay self has to write a fic of Ed bc he’s so fine istg.

Rated: 13+/ 14+ (maybe)

Also p.s my nephew is only 6. 🤭 I hope I made the right decision. But gotta teach em’ young.

Short little shit bc I’m busy with college 🙏

I also didn’t proofread so-

It was 20 minutes before sunrise. Ed had just came home and did the dishes.

You grabbed a pencil and paper from the table and start drawing, Ed peeked over a few times to see what you were drawing.

It wasn’t really anything special, just some lines and patterns crossing each other.

You yawned as Ed finished up. The sun was up by now, you could tell.

Ed walked to the couch, humming to himself. He did some work himself on a blood thing Bromley Marks were doing for some reason.

You stopped your drawing, put the pencil down and went to the couch. Ed looked stressed already, he just barely started. “Hey, you alright?” You fiddled with your black sweats, “I’m fine it’s just, Mr. Bromley wants me to do this stupid fucking shit that’s pointless.”

His eyes were glowing again, he growled slightly at the frustration he felt, he looked at you, like you were his prey.

He pinned you down on the couch and straddled you, even held down your wrists. “ED STOP” you kicked but he didn’t budge, you knew he was blood thirsty now, “wait wait wait Ed.” Tears were forming slightly, his breath on your neck scared you, “Ed please. I’ll give you blood, you don’t have to bite me.” He growled again but this time it was darker.

You managed to get out of his grip and run to the knifes, you grabbed a glass and cut your own hand with one of the knives. Ed was still on the couch, you could still see the glow of his eyes.

You poured your own blood in the glass. After you were done, Ed came walking to you, he grabbed your hand and licked the remaining blood.

He grabbed a cloth from his pocket and wrapped it around your hand. Sure he became savage all the sudden but he was gentle.

He grabbed the glass of blood and sipped it. Savoring the taste.

Frankie always said that you had a crush on Ed. You always denied it but it was true. It wasn’t just a stupid school girl crush, it was like you were in love with everything about him.

His eyes went to its natural pure gold color. You put your hand on his cheek, “Jesus your Cold.” You giggled, he did the same thing, “and your warm.” He smiled.

[shootyourse1f]

This is just a stupid vent since I don't wanna post this crap on my main.

My friend is annoying the FUCK out of me dude it's not even funny anymore it's so hard being nice to that bitch every single moment we talk feels like HELL because all she does is call me fucking slurs and tell me to kms like hello?? Who tf do YOU think you are?? Yeah, yeah, I'm probably sensitive af for this, but who tf tells/says to a person who deals with suicidal thoughts (pretty openly) to KILL THEMSELVES EVERY 5 FUCKING SECONDS OF EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY. Besides, it's just so annoying and repetitive, and I'm getting to the point where I wanna lash out at her and block her to give her a taste of her own stupid medicine. Constantly saying she'll block me for dumb crap?? Then do it!! But wait, she probably knows nobody in this world is gonna put up with everything and be supportive AND not complain.

And she goes ON AND ON ABOUT HOW ME LIKING ERIC HARRIS IS BAD LIKE OMG NO SHIT? ARE YOU STUPID. She says the most obvious crap in the world and asks as if I don't know it already. God forbid I make ONE STUPID AND CORNY JOKE ABOUT ERIC AND SHE'LL BE ALL UP ON MY ASS FOR IT BUT THEN SHE SAYS THE SAME SHIT ABOUT THIS GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON AND THEN ITS FINE?? like I don't say shit to her when she starts going on and on and on about this guy but I make the smallest remark/comment about eric and oh my lordddd

And she texts me NONE FUCKING STOP EVEN THOUGH I'VE TOLD HER 3 TIMES IN THE SAME WEEK THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING GOOD MENTALLY FOR WEEKS. LIKE OH MY GOSH SHUT UP. And jesus I can't repost SHIT on my main tiktok acc bc then she'll be all up in my dms saying how she knows I'm awake and how I'm ignoring her like YEAH?? take the hint dude. And I've told her countless times in the past that if I'm not in the mood to TALK, I won't reply until I feel better. It feels as if she doesn't listen, like when am I gonna get it through her head??

And she calls me crap like faggot, fattie and the n word when trying to get me to respond like bro just fucking stop. I've expressed to her time and time again that I don't like being called a literal fucking slur (the n word) and that it makes me uncomfortable but once again GOD FORBID SHE EVER LISTENS BC AT THE TIME SHE KEPT ASKING IF I WAS NOW OKAY WITH IT AFTER I TOLD HER LIKE WTF??? NO BRO IM NOT. BUT GOSH SHE ASKED SO MUCH I JUST ENDED UP SAYING YES BC SHE WOULDNT STOP.

And gosh, I can't talk about my literal BESTFRIEND without her calling him a slur and saying I should just forget about him??? Like who tf are YOU to tell me to forget abt him. And it stresses me out since she constantly asks if I consider her better than him yet, and it's just like, dude?? I've known him for way longer. I've only known her for a year, so....but she wants ME to consider her MY best friend when she doesn't consider me one and talks shit about me WITH her real best friend wtf.

And she quite literally forced me to do a face reveal and kept begging. She used the excuse that she revealed hers, so I should do the same when I never even asked her to reveal it?? Why tf should I when it was a YOU decision to do it.

I swear to GOD, though that she makes me wanna turn like eric and commit a fucking crime dude and yeah this is an overreaction since I shouldn't kill anybody over someone bothering me but Jesus I already have so much anger over a lot of crap and she doesn't help. I try and be as nice as I can be, but wtf is the point if she's still such a bitch and atp I'm so done with it all bro.

She makes me so filled with rage and hate along with most other people (this part might seem edgy but bear with me guys) to the point I genuinely wanna do some of the worst shit known to man. I won't ever act on any of these feelings (I hope), but I don't know how much longer I can deal with any of this bullshit anymore it's getting to the point where I wanna delete and block basically everyone ik.

This is all getting too long, so I'll end it here, but I'll make another vent probably later on since I'm still pissed off by a lot of crap but it's all to much for one post.

[aaaghhhhhh]

hello!!

i'm aghhhhhh. i write fics sometimes.

this is a sideblog where i dump whatever on whatever earth i happen to be currently working on. or not working on. i shout into the void. is fun.

i have a bunch of WIPs in a disparate group of fandoms. some more active and fleshed out than others. would love to talk about them. please ask me about them.

read my fics:

https://archiveofourown.org/users/aghhhhhh/works

current major wips:

an undrowned depth of sea: the lawcav fic sequel. post-1081. currently stalling on it until i graduate college and have the time to write a serious longfic with real plot (and time to figure out the post-wano timeline) but i am constantly thinking about it. there will be Bepo in all his glory. bodyswaps. heists. fights of all kinds. cav lore. terrible dates. less terrible dates. schemes. competent heart pirates. white knight complexes. will be as canon-compliant as i can manage but we'll see.

frankenpiano fic: used to be about pianos. SGA john/rodney. about ferris wheels and realizing you're in love and have been for a while. possibly involves space convertibles. may or may not work the pianos back in. deeply unoriginal concept that ive been working on for 2 years very very slowly. but. its fine. backburner tab open on my computer at all times

rotating minor wips:

cav-centric oneshots: conversations with various characters. i have six more of them i would like to write. picking away at them slowly. the last one is lawcav but law pov for once. (posted the acecav one)

castle swimmer oneshots: live canon reactions. have a mono/galoo one right now i am also picking away at.

live x-files reactions: i am watching x-files for the first time. sometimes the worms grab me. currently have a post-Triangle fic rotating i just have to work up the nerve to write it. (smut. threesomes. way out of my usual comfort zone.)

SATELLITE: there are 2 more fics in this clapollo continuity that i want to write. i have pieces of them in a doc. one about rings. one about revenge. both about grief. will pick away at them too.

backburner concepts:

(i may not ever write 'em but i want to talk about em)

hologenome theorem: i need to change the name but its an OC-centric pre-canon one piece fic about one of the unnamed Heart Pirates and how she joins. really, its a fic about being deaf and having hearing aids, with a side helping of plants, parental expectations, revenge, friendship, and the inanity of being 17 and befriending the coolest and also most traumatized 17 year old you've ever met. niche as hell. on writing hiatus because i am reworking the plot. sad. also because lawcav takes longfic priority so hologenome has to wait.

former small fandom big bang fic: this is a Susca-centric pre-canon Castle Swimmer fic. it's going to be. uh. contemplative about morality and survival and reproduction. no longer for a bang bc i write too slow for deadlines and got trapped in deadline stress and didnt write shit. but. i still like the concept so. will write at my own pace.

the swallow gang road trip au: haunts me but requires actual research for real-world roadtrip. sad. about the fallout of doflamingo and punk hazard/dressrosa/return to zou but like. a modern au. will either be ace/law or law/cav or Maybe law/luffy but the main focus is the swallow gang relationship so idk. maybe none of them but i want an outside pov so. we’ll see. have a few snippets in a doc somewhere.

charlotte linlin: she's my terrible one piece blorbo. i have Thoughts about her and people leaving her. and power. and just. clenches fist. complex woman. yess. (fic is about being left. n her first wife. and about body swap horror possibly. and Lola because i love Lola.)

kuma asks law to cure bonney instead of vegapunk: just hear me out. canon goes way off the rails.

features of a fragile landscape: the platonic klapollo 5+1 character study canon compliant thing. 3/6 scenes drafted but on it is hiatus until i replay the apollo justice "trilogy". also because the drafts are so ass and will be rewritten.

zuckereeth: my skyrim guy. oneshots. have 2 drafts half-finished and a rough lists of ideas. will prob get back to next time i start a skyrim game and the rot kicks in. there's a longfic plot in there but dunno if i'll do that.

double trouble: SGA john/rodney but multiverse troubles strike again. it is two separate john/rodney arcs/fics in one. if i ever finish frankenpiano i will start picking away at this one.

the castle swimmer ATLA AU: kappa is the (air) avatar. siren is a firebender among waterbenders. witches earthbend. pim/pagoon firebend. siren is still cursed. diverges from atla canon w/sozin not being terrible.

persona 5 stuff: i don't know how to write p5 characters. but. three concepts: 1) Haru n Akechi roleswap 2) Akechi goes to Kosei AU 3) Ryuji and Akechi get trapped together in Shido's collapsed palace and then a few fluff-ish oneshot ideas (also a strikers rewrite i'll never do but do like thinking about)

a few other ace attorney concepts: aa4 dlc case (apollo, klav, clay all hang out. aa5 setup), larry tells phoenix about aai and things go wrong, aa6 canon divergence + klapollo fake dating, aa7. PEARLTHENA/fic where athena has hearing aids. simollo post aa5 divergence. snippets of some of these exist in docs.

other one piece ideas: ace/law/cav vaguely cowboy western au. acelaw canon divergence. lawcav 2nd chance modern band-ish au thing. continuation of my heart pirate week fic where clione convinces law to abuse his title to get them a meal at the one piece version of a MICHELIN 3 star restaurant. lawcav canon-ish soulmate thing. sort of.

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just brought me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[frostbite-the-bat]

goofy ass ms paint werewolf eating a mango as a divider between the rant under this bc i do not wish to be precieved rn but i still wanna rant some thoughts out

random lovely guzma urge to delyeet everythin on myne site bc not only did i make it for petz things back when i was active between petz folks and got some encouragement there and ended up never finishing petz things for it, but i also feel horrible and uncommited for it being hosted and made on weebly and for bein too lazy to yeet my shit over to neocities just cause that shit gives me a headache and instead of getting inspired by people i feel jealous and unwelcome

also been working on my sleep schedule its a bit better now and im like. better in general now..? idk how long i can keep this up but getting up early makes me just. so tired like all day urgh i do not understand how i used to keep myself up when this tired. tired tired. brain empty. hard to do shit for long. defo needs more breaks but i swear to god everything feels like its frying my brain but i got nothin to do indoors. guess i can go draw traditionall but i end up putting such high expectations on myself i just yeah. fuck it up. get stressed. not fun. i need to stop thinking about others bc i keep thinking i put effort into smthn i need to show it off.like if i wasted time here i might as well. no this isnt showable it sucks damn it

even stuff i do draw purely for myself as self indulgent shit i go urhh this aint right

oh and then i try doin a lil excercise so im not like. physically diyng but my god that tires me out like instantly. but its okay, baby steps.

dont know what sort of place i am in mentally. the type id prolly spiral a bit over if it werent nice and 2 pm. wacky stuff. i wanna maybe do some stuff but ugh my brain just. isnt big thoughts when im tired. but honestly when am i not tired. and i am getting art done but i cant get myself to draw all day again ill end up in pain again my hand rn already is being a bit of a bitch

uhhh played pokemon in the morning but i need better pokemon already. i fuck up every raid (raids i need so i can get better mons easier) (and my shiny ralts i want easier)

hmm maybe i need a break from stuff but what kinda break what even is relaxing in my case? and "break from people" is a slippery slope of self isolation i always slip into. bit difficult to figure myself out

also, different thing, but ive been considering this for a good few months now and kinda ignoring it but i read one (1) thing and i m intrigued to do more n more research now but man do not like how moral ocd clicks perfectly with a lot of my most common issues . so i guess thats a thing to consider going into (like research) . if it helps .bc dear god i am Sensitive

but uhmmm yea sleeping better now ig like i went to sleep around ONE. my usual sleep time was 5-6 am a while ago !!!!!!! 1 am has always been my kinda usual time. man and i used to do that even when i had school and i *functioned* with less sleep. how did i do that. uhm. not well i guess

but yeah. things.. arent feeling right and i kinda wanna wipe my brain. also the neocities thing seems to be a part of my issue of (ppl who dont care abt me) r gonna thingk i suck bc i dont do (this that i find difficult) (coding) i will be exploded forever and shunned andhated

uhmmm what else yea last thought i forgot as i was gonna type it and the last thing i am deciding not to share anyway bc Shame so hooray

guy who is eeypy tired

i am just realizing how like tired i am but if i go nap ill make it worse so uhmm cope i guess lmfao at least it keeps me going to sleep at a more regular hour but like srsly brain we got around 8 hours of sleep why are you tired we used to get less and function fine. maybe not as good but we functioned

[dollygirl808]

⚠️TW SA⚠️

Every time I try to wash my hair I feel like the universe is against me. So, I was washing my hair bc it's greasy n all dandruff-y and I seriously struggle to do so because of how overwhelming it is with so many things going on and my wet hair touching me and loose strands of hair sticking to my fingers n arms n body.

I hate the feeling of wet hair touching me more than almost anything, aside from sticky things. When I shower my head/body has to be tilted in such a way that hair cannot touch my neck/shoulders, which hurts my neck n back.

But anyways, I was just trying to be clean, and as I'm half bent over (and not in a fun way) watery shampoo gets in my eye, so I have to quickly stop and rinse that out.

Next, I look over at the ceiling and I notice that the shower head is fucking spraying water all over the wall outside of the shower curtain and directly onto my fucking phone.

So I FUCKING panic, naturally, turn the water off completely and struggle to take my phone out of my case and wipe it dry.

Why is my phone in the bathroom, my grandmother might- did- passively-aggressively ask? Because I'm not some fucking psycho who just takes a shower in dead silence??? Like???🤨🤨 Wtf, how am I supposed to shower without music? You just stare silently at the wall? No sound? Like some sort of npc? 🤢😠Disgusting. I'd be so under-stimulated, probably start digging my nails into my palm or arm or something.

(The reason I didn't notice the water was bc the water was spraying from the part where the shower head n the rod twist together, and it was spraying directly behind the shower head and over the curtain, and I'm not looking up at the curtain rod, only near the corners where spiders could be bc arachnophobia)

Phones dry, now what? Well there's still shampoo in my hair, and I have to wash my body bc I have therapy later and I'm not gonna get back in the shower.

So I try and twist the stupid thing back together so it's not spraying. I pinch the rubber part between the peices, and the seal is still broken. OK. So, I hold the shower head, thankfully it's a removable one, with my palm covering the spray that way it's not spraying everywhere or getting me in my face and wash out the shampoo in my hair.

I almost get shampoo water in my eye again, and then I turn the water off and like scrup up n stuff. I have a new bottle of body wash bc the old one was running out. But this isn't the same wash. It's not even a yellow/golden color like the other one. Ok, it'll be fine probably. Its the same brand. Hopefully it doesn't give me an allergic reaction bc my skin is super sensitive. It's just a new thing when I'm already stressed out, no big deal.

I almost cry as I'm scrubbing my body. But I don't, I have to finish.

Turn the water back on, hold it, wash soap off.

Get out. My wet hair is touching me. I get wrapped up in my towl and use my nightgown to protect my neck from icky feeling wet hair.

Crab claw my hair brush, my naked phone, my still wet phone case, and my other fucking phone.

Old phone that's battery is shit. I brought it with me for music that way my main phone could be charged in my room, and it wouldn't be exposed to the steam in the bathroom. Old phone died, so fuck me. Had to use my current phone anyways and I forgot to take the old phone back into my room.

I almost drop my bare, naked, vulnerable and fragile phone multiple times on the way from the bathroom to my room.

Sit down, wipe my phone case down and dress up my phone.

Hunger pains. I've been awake since 1 am. I fell asleep at 10pm yesterday, and woke up 3hrs later. It's 9am now.

I've only eaten two popsicles and two re-heated peices of garlic bread. We don't have anything I can eat, nothing. And I mean like adhd nothing. That cereal? There were cobwebs in that box, that box is Tainted and I'm not eating it. That nasty pink-looking turkey? Fuck no. Turkey is WHITE. I'm not eating pink turkey. Gonna give me a fucking disease, start the zombie apocalypse or something. What do I look like, a fucking idiot? Those aren't real foods, they aren't even edible. I can't eat that. There's nothing to eat, so I'm very hungry.

I break down in tears. Open-mouthed sobbing into my towl, hiccuping and almost hyperventilating for like minute straight as i wipe my tears with my towl. Why does everything in life have to be more difficult for me?

Next time I go to wash my hair I'm going to look back at this experience and think, I don't want to have a mental break down today. Another day. And like, am I wrong? All of this bullshit just to not even completely wash my hair. And for what? I'm so mentally and physically tired, probably starving, and wet hair is still fucking touching me.

Fun fact! The only reason I stopped breaking down mentally is because..

⚠️Sa⚠️

One time my abusive ex, also my first boyfriend ever, told me that I looked pretty when I cried when he was raping me in my own bedroom and now whenever I start really sobbing or crying or getting emotional at all I always think back to that and it always helps/makes me calm down.

Weather its because of subconscious trauma I sustained in that moment, or because I don't want to cry too ugly and only cry minimally and prettily, I'm not sure.

It also probably doesn't help that I've been habitually hiding all of my emotions from my family my entire childhood so I'm kind of programmed to cry silently in my room into a pillow so no one hears me.

All in all, I really need that therapy today🫠