#its like how theres the whole thing of people being assholes and rough on the outside but having this soft teddy bear inside

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

OKAY BUT LIKE jensen losing his shit is everything to me. not in a literal way but sometimes everything is just Too Much and he just needs to make some weird ass obnoxious slight screaming noise before taking a deep breathe and moving on. and it's everything to me bc bryce actually gets to See that part of him and just smiles to himself bc yes actually that is HIS idiot bf who does stupid shit like that

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[kaonite]

Can we hear about your Misraaks headcanons pls?

hahahaaha ahah okay so this turned more into picking him apart rather than headcanons but i mixed them in there ::3 (im so sorry, i cannot be coherent at all and gushed profusely. i promise my writing is way different than the way i type this out.)

for some reason it wont let me add tags??? so i hope no one is upset by that!

-misraaks doesnt know how to be 'normal' per say, barring the fact he IS an alien(this goes with my super personal headcanon that the wolves just breed some ODD eliksni. 110% there’s something SUPER up with the wolves (or gentle weavers) as a whole. there's something in the ether turning the wolves into human simps) and is just a weird guy? Who 'turns their back' on their own without being a little fucking odd? i mean if i saw a almost 7ft tall lady and she dragged me away from my attempted suicide (thats some baggage already) and offered peace in a my cultures way id rethink my ideals too (theres more to it i know but humor me!) Also unlearning ALL you've been taught was rough and trying but he was a young mind and to be honest... that's probably for the best (no doubt sjur did use him against the wolves but i really feel their friendship was genuine, full of a lot of love and respect after he stopped being an angsty vandal with unresolved mommy issues)

-he puts on this show of being strong and unyielding but if he trusts you he just crumbles and is bare to the bone about everything. misraaks isn't afraid of being honest per say, he may come off brash but he's just telling it like it is... no sense in beating around the bush. he's not an asshole but being raised the way he was uh... some tact had be learned. 

-no no no it's not bc his mother may have been strict and terrifying to some degree so he has to be the strongest  or he feels he'll fail everyone he knows. so when someone breaks down his walls he's just a soft, sappy individual who just wants everyone to have a peaceful life together while trying to be strong for everyone else at his own mental expense. hes so passionate, charismatic and driven even with all the odds stacked against him, the fucking STRENGTH in that. (DREG STRENGTH GO! even tho he's not a dreg u get my meaning, everyone so far has deemed him as such) what a king! ❤ (praksis u call him foolish again i'll break every one of the generators in your lab)

-brings me to my next headcanon that the nightmare in the moon, horkis? Is his mother and all the teachings that she and others brought upon him as a child up until meeting sjur concentrated into one being. that if he doesn't bleed for the cause, die for the cause, then he has failed his people.  OOPS! IT'S ALL DEEP SEATED TRAUMA! 

-also headcanon she was the one to dock him? to make it extra good when he thinks back on her in the misraaks lore tab 

(I normally don't slander moms bc damn if anyone slandered my mom id throw hands but bungie gave me the scraps and im working with them and misraaks seemed like he had a pretty standard, though super strict, upbringing ::) )

-he appears haughty, self-assured and a bit cold though that's just how he projects himself... he's not actually that way? I mean, hes pretty calm and collected. he expresses a deep  loyalty and love for Sjur and cares for his fireteam immensely. He trusted his fireteam enough to take them to her resting place, how is that not vulnerability we otherwise don't really see? 

He'd throw down for his friends and loved ones because that's just how Eliksni ARE. kin is everything, even friends. he just has a different way of showing it. 

-misraaks... okay i have to say he's into poetry, or talking poetically. the way he speaks is almost... romantic (not in a bad or spicy way!) i just know that boy really SPEAKS in such an eloquent, thoughtful sense. there's a lot of meaning and love in his words. he doesn't just SAY things to fill the silence. every word has a meaning, a purpose. i love that about him. 

-okay maybe i headcanon his fireteam being all around goofballs with him at times of respite, softening out his sharp edges. making him loosen up and enjoy the little things in life rather than worrying about the bigger picture. (bungie where's that getting drunk with his fireteam lore tab? i would like to see it. you have it with the yw and crow... it's the least you could do for the misraaks stans...) i just feel its hard for him to sit and do nothing, just to fool around, be a "normal person" due to the fact his whole life up to his moment of wanting to create house light has been death and war. He was MADE for war. it'd be hard for him to adjust to a 'happier' existence without a little prodding

-he doesn't care about glory, or is doing what he does for selfish gain. he genuinely just wants to help, to create peace. so if anyone approached him with the kell of kells title he'd promptly tell them to shove it (sorry misraaks... you're in the same boat with the young wolf... you can't escape your destiny)

-can we talk about how much misraaks unlearned from sjur then YEARS later is with dusk, meets the young wolf (that annoying bastard of a guardian! :) ), they spare him then it seems like something unlocks in him. like we were the final catalyst to his dreams being real. no longer did he want to be canon fodder, or use his crew as such, he wanted to lead... to be better, to do better for his people along the guardians. maybe he could be better than just another solider dying for a cause they didn't even know at that point. he could be everything his kind rallied against and be GREATER than he was taught to be , not stepping on those deemed less than him. his MIND 

-can i just shoehorn something in real quick. I don't believe he'd practice docking after everything. I just can't see it and i always see him having trauma around docking so why would he wish that on others as a treatment under his kellship? It took him A LONG ASS TIME to unlearn how fucked up it is and how their society as whole is (ie. he literally fantasized about his mother docking him. how is that not absolutely insane to hear?)  also it'd be useless at this point, he'd need people at their prime, not missing two arms for an old, unnecessary dark practice. he doesn’t want people to fear him, if your people fear you are you truly a leader?

*cuts this ask open with a knife and lets loose a character interpretation more than headcanons* OOPS

am i projecting? maybe but bungie gave me crumbs and i am going to use them

im holding back a bunch of thoughts bc most of them center around much more personal headcanons bc this is my emotional support eliksni :') plus ive written so much already im pretty sure you all think im insane.

If anyone has anything to add feel free! Id love to hear it, you may have some ideas/headcanons/interpretations i didn't list or i never though of! of course... most of this is projecting, who doesn't do that to their fave?

and honestly, i am so open to talking about him in depth, if you want to, shoot me a message! I'll get to it! :3

[atmilliways]

On the 11th day of Dethmas this writer gives to thee…

Dec 23 - Home (or alone) for the holidays

Toki is totally not lonely because his bandmates forgot about him, and Magnus is totally not guilty about rolling with it to sate his own curiosities.

Like Kevin McCallister, it wasn't like Toki tried to get left behind . . . but he's not entirely mad about it, either.

Anyway, this is my first Magnus/Toki fic, so, hmm.

~

Mordhome Alone

“So,” Magnus said as he crossed the threshold. “This is the famous Mordhaus.”

“Yeah, isn’t it cools?” Toki enthused as he ushered the older man inside. 

It certainly was a step up from the crappy apartment they’d had back when Magnus was still in Dethklok. For one thing, he never could’ve broken in to paint REVENGE IS COMING on the walls here. He’d counted at least eleven snipers that he could see on the way in, and knowing both the band’s reputation for over the top security measures and the limitations of his one good eye, probably at least double that number that he hadn’t noticed. If he weren’t here by Toki’s express invitation, he’d be so many different kinds of dead right now. 

He didn’t need any recon inside this place for The Plan—it would never work to pull anything there, not with so much security in every nook and cranny. But he’d always been curious, so here he was. 

“And none of the other guys are here?” Magnus pressed, still looking around. Fuck, this place was huge. (This could have been his.) “Not even Offdensen?”

“Nah,” Toki replied offhandedly, “they thoughts I was on the plane and tooks offs withouts me to goes on a ski trip, ands now they’re stucks in a blizzards. They can’t gets back and I can’t goes theres. So, I calls you!”

Without any warning that Magnus had picked up on, Toki reached out and grabbed his hand. It wasn’t like he threaded their fingers together or anything, but the surprise connection was more than Magnus felt comfortable with, an uncomfortable feeling in his gut that he wasn’t used to at all and had no idea how to label. (He didn’t do guilt; he didn’t do ‘cowed by how open and naively friendly someone was unexpectedly being’ either. It was definitely, one hundred percent neither of those things.)

“Come ons, I shows you around!”

The young guitarist pulled him from room to room, chattering nonstop. It was annoying in an informative, easy to tune out the rambling bits sort of way. This was the room where Dethklok hung out and played video games, this was the room where they hung out to watch tv and eat snacks, this was the room where they hung out in a surprisingly small hot tub for five male billionaires who didn’t seem to like each other’s company that much, this was the cavernous kitchen that they frequented when they wanted more snacks or possibly even a meal. It was endless and irritating, and Magnus didn’t actually want to spend a ton of time with this babbling idiot, but he reminded himself that this was all part of The Plan and sullenly continued to let himself be dragged around and shown all the shit that he could have had, but didn’t. 

He did ask for a drink, though, to blunt the edges. Toki gestured to someone in his blind spot, and moments later a cold beer was handed to him by a hooded servant. 

“And this ams my room,” Toki told him proudly, tugging Magnus into . . . the smallest room he had seen yet. It was basically a stone box with an on-suite. Model airplanes hung from the ceiling, action figures crowded the edges of his bookshelf, and the desk was piled with unfinished projects and puzzles and crap. One of the pictures hanging on the wall over the narrow bed and beneath a double-sided battle axe was an early promo shot of the band, and another was a close-up of some scary zombie-looking asshole’s face, maybe a relative or something. The rest of the walls were mostly just decorated with taped up posters of boats, planets, and sharks. 

“This?” Magnus repeated. “Seriously? You have . . . and entire fucking mansion that’s tricked out with all kinds of cool shit, but this is your room.”

If it had been him, he’d have his own arcade, giant tv, and hot tub in his room, so he could do all those things on his own if he wanted to. Plus a bitching sound system. Plus bigass windows to let some actual fucking light in. Plus . . . god, was that bed from IKEA or something? Was all of this from IKEA? Riches were wasted on this kid, Magnus decided scornfully. He had no idea how to appreciate what he had at his fingertips. 

Toki shrugged. “I gots all the rest of the place if I wants that other stuff, so this ams just all stuffs I mades by myself. Evens the desk, I puts that together. Just Toki’s.” He met Magnus’ incredulous look with a sudden grin and squeezed his hand. “Comes on, let’s go back to the others room and watch a movies!”

~

It wasn’t until halfway through the movie that Magnus wasn’t even paying attention to—he was looking around and trying to appraise the cost and potential EBay value of anything he saw that wasn’t nailed down and small enough to fit in his pocket—that he realized Toki kept scooting closer to him on the couch. That, after all the hand holding, finally started to set off alarm bells. 

Did the poor simple bastard have some sort of crush on him or something? How embarrassing. So embarrassing that he couldn’t decide if he wanted to try and snap a picture to sell to some gossip rags later or not. 

That was totally why he felt weird and jumpy, and only more so once Toki had inched close enough to rest his head on Magnus’ shoulder. A weird, warm, hyper-awareness bloomed anywhere Toki touched him—first his shoulder, then his side, then (Magnus absolutely did not gulp when this happened) his thigh. He had to wrestle down the impulse to start bouncing that leg restlessly, because he didn’t dare shake him off and potentially ruin The Plan. 

So he stayed still. And the thing about the warmth was that Toki was just radiating with it, and the longer he was so close the more it spread. Magnus felt as though he might incandesce at any moment and he fucking hated every second of it. 

He tried directing his attention to the tv and remembered it was December, so Toki had picked a Christmas movie at random. On the giant screen, Sarah Jessica Parker was covered in egg and screaming in a kitchen. Not the best distraction ever. 

“Needs anything?” Toki asked casually, as if everything was just fine and dandy, apparently somehow not noticing that Magnus was on the verge of starting to worry he might have a heart attack. 

“No,” Magnus grunted. A way out would be great, thanks. He remembered he still had a beer in one hand (his fourth or fifth, at this point) and raised his unencumbered arm to glug the rest of it down. 

“You sures?” Toki pressed, looking up at him with guileless eyes. 

Shaking the last few drops out and tossing the bottle down the couch, Magnus started to say Another drink, something stronger this time, but he couldn’t. Toki’s lips pressed warmly, nervously against his, kissing away the aftertaste of beer. 

He had not come prepared for this. 

He didn’t even need to be here, it wasn’t necessary to The Plan. 

Toki was too goddamned nice, inviting him here and showing him around like he genuinely wasn’t a threat, like he was someone Toki actually enjoyed being around. (Magnus thought pretty highly of himself, but even he had to admit that most people didn’t ever appreciate his presence. Or if they did it, usually wasn’t for this long. Jealous douchebags, that’s all they were, the whole fucking human race.) 

Magnus took it anyway. Fuck it, why not? It had been one thing when he was still in his twenties or thirties, hot in a rough-and-tumble bad-boy musician way, getting his share of action after playing a gig at some nothing bar, but at his age and painful lack of fame and fortune, to have anyone this young and ripped pressed up against him was a rare occurrence. He was taking the kiss out of spite, he told himself, and gave back as good as he got. 

Surely he wouldn’t regret this later. 

Toki sighed against his mouth, bright blue eyes fluttering open. “Thanks you, Magnus.”

“Uh.” Magnus fought against instinctively grimacing at the thanks, which he wasn’t used to. He licked absently at his lip, not realizing he was doing so until the tip of his tongue brushed Toki’s lip too and made the other man giggle. Fucking giggle. “For what?”

“For beings here,” Toki told him. “Is nice to nots be alones on Christmas, don’ts you thinks?”

Magnus wanted to say he’d ever particularly noticed Christmas one way or the other before, but for some reason it (the lie) stuck in his throat. “. . . Yeah, I guess.”

Something in Toki’s eyes shifted and he suddenly looked . . . he looked lonely, as familiar a sight as though Magnus was recognizing it in a mirror (which he definitely never did). He wondered what Toki was gunning for here—a friend with benefits, or something more than that? 

Something ‘just Toki’s,’ a little holiday closeness with someone he thought actually cared?

(That thought didn’t make Magnus feel like a two-bit white masquerading as something better, not even a little bit.)

“You wants to sees my room agains?” Toki whispered?

On the tv, sappy holiday ambiance music played as the movie went out of its way to establish that everyone was friendly and happy and appropriately paired up now, all two-by-two sheep marching into Noah’s ark before the winter flood. 

“Sure,” Magnus said. 

He wasn’t a sheep, he told himself, it had just been too long since he’d last gotten laid. 

Christmas had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

[trashcatsnark]

5 and 7 for the get to know your V thing

Ahhhhhh, thank you so much for the ask, nonny! You made my night!~  Also, SPOILER WARNING!!!!

5. how do your loved ones (LI, found family, etc) feel about you being a merc? or if you’ve given up the life now that everything’s finished, what was their reaction?

THIS GOT LONG AS FUCK AND I APOLOGIZE!!!!!!!

So, my V is a former nomad with this whole convoluted backstory about how her clan is Raffen Shiv, darwinistic asshole bastards and she left and now they wanna gut her for betraying them essentially. So, her blood family is less concerned about her career choices and more concerned with putting a bullet in her head. 

However, her found family, initially is Jackie, Misty, Viktor, and Mama Welles. Jackie’s her partner in crime and kinda brought her into it, though she was doing similar work in the Badlands already. And honestly, a part of me thinks Jack sometimes feels some guilt over that. My V is in her early twenties, fairly young, whereas I do believe Jackie is canonically 30. So, theres definitely a part of him thats like I dragged a fetus into merc work what have i done. Which is probably why he’s a little protective of her on gigs. Misty worries about them both, so does Viktor, and Mama Welles of course. And in terms of found family later on, generally speaking, they worry about her a lot. 

Judy still sees a walking corpse, scared of when V’s luck is gonna run out. I think she also struggles a lot with the dichotomy of V to her and the V she knows exists. Because after the initial, rough start of their friendship, Judy sees V as a good person who helped her. But V is also a merc, she kills for money, lives have price tags to her which seems so opposed to the same V who helped her find Evelyn who supported Judy and grieved with her. Its a weird contrast that Judy isn’t always sure what to make of. 

Goro obviously doesn’t think much of mercs, we see this in game, he’s got kind of a judgey vibe. And as he ges closer to V, I definitely think he finds himself wishing they’d switch professions, but he knows they feel the same way towards his life. He told them he can’t be taught new tricks, so, as much as he’d like to its not really fair to push them to change when he won’t either. 

Kerry is terrified of the day she goes on a gig and doesn’t come back, I feel like he’s the kind of friend to offer financial help in hoping to coax her out of it, but she refuses it every time which drives him up a wall. Because he wants to help, V has become his closest friend (other than Johnny) and between her allowing Johnny to take over for concerts or just giving them time to talk without her and her merc work leaving her always bruised, always bloodied, always with a new wound. He feels like he’s watching his best friend slowly kill herself and no matter what he can’t help her, because she won’t let him. 

River, I don’t know much of at this point, but I feel like given his job he’s seen what night city does to people, the horrors she must be facing and the danger she’s in, and wishes she’d find something safer. From what I have seen he seems to be big on like settling down, having a normal life, and I think he’d want that for V too and doesn’t always get that it isn’t something she wants. 

Panam seems to do smuggling work mostly, like a lot of nomads (most extreme job she mentions is smuggling a corpse, not being the one to pull a trigger) so she of course worries about V’s more dangerous jobs and tbh especially with my V being a former nomad; I think Panam would also almost see V as a warning sign of what could happen to her if she continues to stray from the Aldecaldos. 

And of course, Johnny worries more than he lets on. At first maybe just cause their lives are linked in some ways, but overtime it’s more because of a genuine concern for her. As ironic as it may sound for our terrorist rockerboy, it genuinely worries him to watch how much danger she puts herself in on a regular basis.It feels like despite everything they’re trying to do, she doesn’t truly care about her own life, and at a certain point it terrifies him because he can’t help but think that eventually there will come another morning and he’ll feel like something is missing and it’ll be true, that he’ll search and search for that sense of relief of having her but it will never come because she’ll truly be gone. 

7. if offered enough money/power, would you be willing to join the corpo lifestyle? if you’re former corpo, would you go back?

Not in a billion fucking years! My V was anti-corp and anti-capitalism long before Johnny came into the picture. Because she’s a nomad, she knows what led to nomad groups, it was the corps taking and destroying land. And now, the corps go on news and talk about how evil nomads are for having the nerve not to bow down and lick the corp boots. As much as she dislikes her nomad family at this point, she still agrees with certain viewpoints that were instilled in her, one of them being the dangers of corps and capitalism. And hell, if she’s being honest, she blames corps at least somewhat for her nomad family situation. Because their initial actions that spurred nomad families traveling and the continued smear campaigns on nomads helps foster the isolation of certain nomad groups, an isolation that can give leaders within these families the unchecked power to do whatever they want with no consequences. She gets why people do become corpos, why if you’re scouted out and have a chance to live a life so many never could dream of why you’d take it. When the choices are starving or licking the boot; you do what you gotta. But, for herself, she couldn’t ever compromise her morals like that. 

[astro-break]

Thoughts on the 7th ep of Hypmic Rhyme Anima. Spoilers beware 

Ep.1 | Ep.2 | Ep.3 | Ep.4 & 5 | Ep. 6

Can we get an MTC ep for Samatoki’s birthday please?

nope its MTR

ah man i always get really down whenever i see Doppo’s workplace environment. it suckssss

EYYYYY BUSTER BROS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i forgot the name of the song in the moment but is Ikebukuro West Gate Park which is funny since thats where the ikebukuro prelims are held)

OOO IRIS ON A MOTERBIKE!!!!!!!!!!!! thats so hot oh my god, the CGI was good too! she had no right making to popping a wheelie over speedbumps look cool

Tom mentioned last episode that he had picked these three up from bad places and I have a feeling that Iris was once either an adrenaline junkie, thrill seeker, or involved in something that had her on the run

I don’t know about Rex. I think society just took one look at him and pushed him away because his personality is weird. He’s honest and kind, almost too kind. It don’t help that he doesn’t look traditionally Japanese which will garner him a lot of unpleasant experiences

MTCCCCCCCCCCC HELL YEAH

love that theyre one of the few units shown actually going out and doing intel searching on their own

god the TDD flashbacks harken to the manga and thats so cool

There’s a lot of underline threads going on in here and its going to be hard keeping track of them. I hope that the anime doesn’t choke itself on all the threads

T.REX is hilarious i think i might actually grow to like him. he’s a dumb himbo

ah even more threads and previous connections. i really really really hope that everything is ties up nicely by the end of the season though that doesn’t seem plausible, not with only 5 episodes remaining

OH GOD WHY WAS YOTOSUJUJI BROUGHT UP NOW IM TEARING UP

ah of course robberies are going to happen on the day of the rap battle

That ruikawa guy is suspicious. it might be my INFP speaking but his kindness seems a bit weird

ah yeah red flags right there. he’s definitely one of the robbers or in cahoots with them

ah yeah hes a robber. theres no doubt about that. “ive found a place to release what builds up inside me”. thats crime isn’t it. the fact that he won’t talk about it just raises more red flags

ahahaha see i was right

hey at least it was doppo’s hardass boss. could be someone more innocent and less asshole-y

YOU JUST GAVE YOUR INDEITY AWAY ASSHOLE wow even doppo caught on

EYYYY SHINJIKU STYLE!!!!! HELL YEAH

Those stills are absolutely mesmerizing though. 

i love the sense of trust and mentorship between matenro with Jakurai as Hifumi and Doppo’s mentors. At least that’s the feeling I get with them ahaha

Doppo’s english is a bit harsh but also weirdly fits his style. im a bit mixed on it but with the whole song being more melancholic with english sprinkled in, it matches the theme

The song itself is such a mellow and soothing song though. Its different than Maternro’s usual work and its a good different. I love the subway and old timey imagery that came with the song and the image of a subway train lighting up the way to a new path is such a great way of showing that there are different paths and different destinations that one can take. Even if you take the same train, you can end up in a different place. The light imagery in particular is just so good since Ruikawa’s original line of the city being a beacon of light for him is mirrored in the song.

The lyrics especially are so soft and powerful with the imagery within the words being simultaneously rough and tumble but also soft and reassuring. It seems more like a lament or a elegy to a life that could have been if they had gotten on a different train. I love the lyrics, especially the chorus since it speaks of mundane things but things that everyone can understand and relate to

it also carries mad Spirited Away vibes. It’s also called Falling which I think is pretty fitting

the only thing that I don’t like about the song Jakurai’s vocal beats within his verse. Usually it works since there’s a big beatboxing feel to those beats but with Jakurai his lyrical rap doesn’t mesh well with the harsh guttural sounds beatboxing

The pain of having one of your few friends betray you hurts and wow this episode is out to make me feel a lot of sympathy for Doppo

SMILING DOPPO!!!

Hell yeah they actually had a plan and followed through with it

Did they just set up the MTC episode lmao. thats sneaky

OOh that beat change for FP ending is so nice!!

--

I think I’m only noticing this just now but the episode titles are all famous quotes from people/proverbs. 

Ep. 1) “As Soon as Man is Born, He Begins to Die“ This is an old proverb. Who said it I don’t know and a quick internet search gave me nothing, but its commonly said to convey the meaning that nothing lasts forever. IDK why this proverb was chosen since there’s no indication of any of the teams disbanding any time soon except for TDD era teams which have already happened

Ep. 2) “Speak of the Devil and He Will Appear“ Again, another old idiom which dates back to the 16th century. This one is probably about Ichiro and how he appears whenever he is called or whenever he is needed. Though it could be a overall commentary on how the brothers are reliable no matter the situation

Ep. 3) “Two Heads Are Better Than One” - John Heywood This quote describes DoHifu pretty well. Its because these two work and rely on each other that they’re able to not only make it through each day but also make each day worth living. Because they help each other, but they’re not the same, they’re better for it. This could also apply to MTR as a whole being a team where each member thinks outside the box and their ideas collectively make such an interesting team

Ep. 4) “A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed” This one is an 11th century proverb which explains that in times of need, true friends will show their colors. That's the main mentality behind MTC though I believe that it applies to Rio in particular for this episode. While the entirety of MTC are willing to help each other in times of need, in this episode it mainly focused on Samatoki and Rio’s plights and how the members as a whole show that they are all true friends to each other

Ep. 5) “Seeing is Believing” The origins of this quote is blurry but there the bible seems to be the origin of this statement believe it or not. While it does fit the episode’s theme of ghosts and how rumor's can harm people and businesses, it doesn’t really describe FP like the other quotes do the other teams. I find it odd, but I hope that FP are redeemed in their next feature episode. FP deserves better and are being done dirty in the anime.

Ep. 6) “He Who Laughs Last, Laughs Best” - The Christmas Prince. I think this one is pretty nice in describing not only the episode but the series as a whole. It doesn’t matter who’s winning in the begging, or the middle. The final outcome is what really matters. It’s pretty apt for the series since even though The Party of Words are winning currently, its who wins by the end of the series that matters. The episode encompasses this pretty well too with the whole plotline.

Ep. 7) “The Darkest Hour is Just Before the Dawn” Dating back to 1950 ish, this one carries the simple There is hope in the worst circumstances message. Again, its pretty suitable for the series as a whole since the Party of Words might be making life harsh, but there’s still hope to be found in the world.

Ep. 8) “Dead men tell no tales” - Thomas Becon. NGL, this one scares me because it can either apply to MTC, or the universe as a whole. We’ll just have to wait till next week to know for sure but i think we’ll get some Jyuto angst with his parents

[iammissingautumn]

oh do artemy :)

How I feel about this character

Artemiy. I care him. Theres such an emotional attachment I have with him and I think if I were playong a different character and he was able to die I would sacrifice a whole game for him. I care about him mostly in the sense of everyone else but,, i still care him. Him and his relationship with his father is so interesting, I care about it and him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Artemiy/Grief - Artemiy being the first person to take and accept Grief even though hes a bit of a choatic asshole. They fall in love...

Artemiy/Rubin - ive already gone over this but. Dynamics. Artemiy being the person who could calm down Rubin down. I swear this is just like Yuki/Haru except instead of the calm they are a bit angry.

Artemiy/Lara - they Understand each other except shes rough and hes smooth. They both are from high status households, want to impress their dads, and have a name to live up to. Lara roughly cares about him and Artemiy can softly care about her. Gay rights.

Artemiy/Andrei - if I were brave enough I would just say its because they both have A names and move on but. Bastard likes to fight, Artemiy is allowed to do the taboo. Artemiy has the capability to be aggressive and Andreu would spark that in a Different way. Not one of those things I think could last but. In some au out there its interesting

Daniil/Artemiy - this might be the ship im least invested to here so I dont have many thoughts but I mean,,, idk they are paralleled and such. They could be cute but I haven’t found it.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Re: Basket Friends. He’s the glue that holds them together and they care about him a lot. He’s helped them in ways no one else exactly could and they barely even realize that full of it. I do have a love for Artemiy and Capella becoming close. Something about her being the oldest termite and going to be a leader and him. She says they can be friends but he will be nothing else to her. They should be genuine friends!

My unpopular opinion about this character

This isn’t exactly nevative b ut. I think many people just look at Artemiy and thats as far as they go. Okay I’ll Take Him And That’ll Be It. And I just wish we had a bit more focus on other characters. I mean he’s mc and very interesting and cool so I understand him being popular but I do wish people looked at others a bit more. But I really just love his arch with being biracial and how that can play how and,,, his route is about love I care about him. This was all a rouse of saying bullshit just to say that I love him and his route and I love being able to play him and everyone should play his route ten more times thanks!

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Tell me about his time in college! Give me his childhood shenanigans! I wanna hear all his stories!

[cowboyguts-moved]

hi! i love chris already jsyk. he's my kind of character i love everything ive heard so far what a fun ASShole with a heart of gold? im assuming? if its cool to ask, how do he and his three friends meet? it sounds like they have a cool dynamic!! love ya jo

you would assume correctly! (: although i like to harass tristan by saying hes just simply an asshole but its not true so. of course its cool to ask i want questions about them!! in 10th grade chris was smoking a joint in the bathroom alone during lunch cause he’s a big loser  when kylo bursted through the door because he had some upperclassmen on his ass that were planning on wrangling him and makin him squeal like a pig you know i guess hanging him on the fence by his underwear or something super fun like that and he dipped in the bathroom to hide. and chris barely looked at the little short kid flying in and the huge creak the door made cause hes so cool and emo and kylo sees him and he’s startled and he starts running his mouth about who is after him and why and why its important chris doesnt say anything if he sees them and he talks super zippy and fast so its like a headrush speaking to him. and then just kinda notices he’s smoking and he’s all is that a Joint :O and chris is like….. blink. and he’s all can i have a few puffs? and chris just quietly passes it and watches him hoping he’ll mellow the fuck out and thats what they initially bond over is smoking..LOL i think kylo kinda invites him over to show him what hes got and theyll smoke and stuff and chris has nothing better to do because he doesnt have any real friends. and also kylo is very attracted to chris’ personality and chris is nice enough to him which is saying a lot, kylo looks up to him a lot. as time goes on chris sees kylo love for him as a little excessive at times but he knows kylo has an obsessive personality. sometimes because chris doesnt know how to handle that admiration towards himself, he’s mean to kylo. and he regrets it but he’s full of issues so alas he’s gonna act out and regret it. kylo is so loyal and kind though he loves chris even if chris mistreats him as a friend sometimes 

kylo introduces chris to mikael! mikael and kylo have known each other since elementary school, theyre the oldest friends out of everyone in the group. theres nothing really significant about their meeting i think they just meet at a party or at school? i have to ask tristan but they just meet you know. and mikael is such a whirlwind like if kylo didnt introduce them he would have met him anyway. he’s tall and has long luscious hair and is in a band and is easily the most popular out of all of them and everyone loves him. he knows everyone and he even knows people from neighboring STATES ..he goes to things and shows and travels. thats his whole thing thats what he enjoys most is human connection. he’s the biggest stoner out of all them like pro stoner and so chris takes a huge liking to him right off the bat. he looks up to mikael like kylo looks up to him. chris thinks he’s hot as hell and mikaels a natural flirt with everyone so they end up having a thing for a little bit just like a fwb. but ultimately theyre very good friends, besides lewis mikael is chris’ best friend. he’s a wonderful person and a great listener and he’s very emotionally smart (: he’s someone thats steady for chris

mikael introduced chris to ben..and kylo to ben really. because mikael is friends with all kinds of cliques he’s good friends with the football guys. particularly big chubby sarcastic all american blond quarterback Ben Jacobs. chris thinks ben is hot too of course but ben is so adamantly not into guys it hurts. HDHSHJ ben and chris have something unique because ben’s really aggravated by chris’ constant need to provoke him and push him around because ben is so big and tall and strong and chris is a yappy little shit in comparison and he always wants to rough play with him and low key get him to punch him in the face or something cause he’s..chris. he’s not Mean to ben and even if he was its all a joke anyway and ben isnt affected by it he just knows chris is a little prick he loves riling him up. chris will also be really gay around him and try to seduce ben and get ben to show just a hint of attraction because the idea that his straightness is a really well kept facade is hilarious to chris even though…you know, ultimately it isnt true. ben Is straight, he will have little mental slip ups and think of chris in certain ways but thats literally what all people do, it doesnt mean ben is into guys but bens insecure about it anyway because he knows if chris knew he had thoughts about guys on the rare occasion he’d be so damn smug. they have a love hate thing like ben will call him slurs out of love even tho we all know he isnt supposed to. theyre all morally gray, so. ben is so hyper masc and self conscious about how he presents that being around someone so liberated as chris is a headache. but ben loves him, he’s very watchful over him and protective in his own way and worries about him, especially because he doesnt treat himself for his bipolar disorder. ben is a big softie (:

[thebritishblabbermouth]

Suga Fanfiction (part 2)

Heyyyaa...heres part 2. Its got swearing in it and smut. But fluff too..theres going to be a part 3 as well. Let me know what you think! Also I am very very very very shy about the smut so please let me know what you think...it’ll mean everything to me :) 

this is for you @atricksterwithwings let me know what you think :)) 

Heres Part 1 if you havent read it yet :) 

It was 5 pm by the time I came home, even though I had barely gotten any work done. The look on your face; hurt and dejected as you ran away from my arms seemed to be plastered onto the back of my mind and no amount of distraction could peel it away. I had wanted to rush out immediately, tell you I didn’t mean any of my cruel words but it would’ve been counterproductive. We needed to end this. And the only way you would leave would be if I had hurt you enough to push you away.

What a damned dick move.

I was sure you would’ve left by now, my apartment must've returned to its barren state- just as you had found it not 2 years ago and it was all the more reason for me to stay cooped up inside the walls of my studio, praying I didn’t have to face you as you walked out of the door.

But it wasn’t pitch black and cold as I walked in. Rather it was warm, and smelt fucking delicious. There were candles everywhere and you were wrapped up in a giant white hoodie- its ends skimming the middle of your bare thighs and your hair whisked away into a loose knot at the top of your pretty head.  

If there were a definition of perfection- it would be this.

‘’Yoongz! I have food and a movie too! I know our date day didn’t go as planned but that’s okay, this is way cuter don’t you think?’’ You tried to balance the bowls of steaming goodness between your dialogues, cute pink tongue darting out- as if it were the only way to balance everything completely. The action went straight to my head and I almost chuckled, almost breaking down the entire aura id build around myself. This had to stop. How were you so unfazed? How did the insults not make a difference? You should’ve walked out- called me an asshole and left me to my own wits. But here you were, clad in my sweatshirts, beaming like the fucking sun.

‘’You really have no self-respect do you? Clinging onto me like a needy bitch. God. Do I have to spell it out for you? Leave me alone!’’

I saw the colour drain from your cheeks, the usual pink hue falling as it you paled, eyes drooping with exhaustion as my words finally hit you.

This was it.

This was the end and I just needed to hold on for a little longer before breaking down, needed you to fully walk away before I hit the imaginary self-destruct button on my life.

‘’Do you know how much of a selfish asshole you are Yoongi?’’

You never swore. Ever. It was awkward hearing the insults from your mouth and it felt worse knowing they were all directed at me.

‘’Two years ago, you told me you loved and that you had to have me or you’d die, and I let you lead me, let you take me into everything that was you and I couldn’t be happier. You made me feel loved and warm and like I actually belonged in this world. Like I mattered. You made me feel like I was worth being protected and taken care of! Even when you weren’t here, when you were off on your endless tours or your head was too busy taking care of job and the boys- it was fine! Because I knew you loved me! Because I knew that no matter what, at the end of the day- I was yours and you were mine and it would all be okay!’’

Tears streamed down your now rosy cheeks, lashes thick and wet- your voice breaking and cracking as you spoke but strong nonetheless. This is how you were.

Strong even when you were weak.

You walked towards me, almost as if you were going to burn me down. And I silently prayed that you would. End me Entirely, before everything else did.

‘’And now Yoongi. You’re a fucking coward. Selfish and just petrified. When you loved me, you had to have me. And now, when things are hard- when work is hard and when you’re fucking afraid to admit that you’re scared shitless- afraid to let me take care of you, you push me away. Because that’s what you do. You push people away when they want to love you.’’

You had me cornered into the wall, your nose tilting upwards- eyes trained on mine as you spoke. It was quieter now. As if you had to make a point and make me understand.

‘’And right now, if you think I am going to walk away from you, leave you to ruin yourself and everything that you’ve worked hard on, let you walk over us like this. You’re damned stupid and delusional because I am not going anywhere!’’

‘’You’re crazy! I am not afraid of shit! I need to get work done! I need to be the best and I need to give those 6 boys what they deserve! You won’t ever understand that because somehow you’ve always been the best! At everything! At working, at this relationship, at loving despite all of my flaws and it’s insane! It’s driving me mad that you’re this amazing! I can’t keep up with it! I can’t keep up with you, I can’t give you what you deserve and what you need! So just g-’’ I screamed as loud as I could, tried to pry your hands away from myself but there was no stopping you.

No stopping the way you crashed your lips onto mine and cradled my head in your hands, no stopping the tears I could feel on my mouth, along with your taste, fucking honey and cherries and everything I needed to give up. I didn’t realise when you had me falling onto the couch, sitting on me and raking your fingers through my hair as we kissed. Calmer now, desperate but needing- wanting, sweet yet fierce.

‘’We’re going to crash and burn. The fans, they’re going to hate us because of this new album and you know me, I’ll live through it, but the boys. God, Jungkook and Jimin and Tae, they won’t be able to take it, it’ll be nightmare.’’

You inched yourself closer to me, wrapping yourself around me as you placed your lips on my cheeks, covering the tears I didn’t even know I had shed. My hands rested on your hips, shoulders slumped with stress and exhaustion. I couldn’t fight it anymore. Couldn’t even fight it if I tried.

‘’Did you know? Burnt soil is one of the most fertile kind out there?’’

I ignored the little fun fact and took to rubbing at your soothing skin, it was only minutes before I stripped you from the confines of the sweatshirt. I needed to feel you, burn with you. It was the only way Id be able to calm my heart.

‘’If this album doesn’t work, if you fall, pummel to the ground and lose all of your fans. Does it mean its over? Does it mean that everything has died?’’ Your eyes widened as I held onto you tighter but you continued talking, your words- providing a kind of comfort I didn’t know existed.

‘’It means you get to start over. Do something new. Change things up and rise like a phoenix. It’ll be hard and it’ll hurt but if theres one man I know who can pick himself up from ground zero- its you Yoongi.’’ You booped my nose as you spoke and I pulled the sweatshirt from your skin, releasing a wave of unshed tears as I laid my forehead onto your bare chest.

‘’You’re so strong Yoongi, and so loved. How could you possibly think you’d fail? You’re Min Genius, smart and intelligent and strong and passionate. You’re their vision Yoongi, the boys- they look up to you, and they don’t see an image you’ve made. No. They see you raw and whole. Just like me. They see someone who tries their best, someone who dares to dream with their eyes open and they see someone who loves unconditionally. They’re stronger than you think, and so are you.’’ You stroked my hair as you spoke and my breath hitched at your words.

‘’And the matter of someone destroying you? Baby…you’re fucking bulletproof.’’

I chuckled at the reference and you smiled, the curves of your lips reaching your eyes and making them twinge with excitement. God you were beautiful, and I’d thought of pushing you away. I didn’t have the words in me, to apologise, to ask for forgiveness. Because I was a selfish asshole and I knew how to take. How to bring you into my world.

And you were an angel, because you knew how to rescue me from it.

‘’I love you.’’

There weren’t any other words I could’ve said, nothing had the power like the three id just stated. And you smiled again, this time because of me, and I swear I felt like heaven because you were in my arms.

‘’Then show me.’’ You whispered, as if it were the only thing I'd ever need to do in life. And damn, you nipped at the silver loop that hung from my lobes. Beautiful and strong and such a fucking tease.

I pushed you onto the couch and kissed you deep, my tongue finally tasting your sweetness as you moaned deliciously into my mouth. Hot and eager. Just for me and just how I liked it.

‘’You’re so fucking perfect baby.’’ I said, because it was the truth. Because I felt the words with every inch of my soul.

It was a requirement, a compulsion- a damned drug to me. Your breasts and how they felt against my palms, soft and warm beneath my skin and you gasped, arching upwards as I took one in my mouth, aching with need as you groaned beneath me, begging me to touch you where we both wanted most.

You were soaked through, waiting and wet, just for me. But I had to take my time, had to show you I still loved you even though I was a jerk, I was stupid and afraid- just like you’d said. I swirled my tongue around your navel and your hands found my hair, dry and rough from the constant dying and glamour but god the way it felt when you tugged on it, my hard on aching with every innocent pull.

‘’I am going to make you come baby, you want that? You want to feel me?’’

‘’Please. I want you. Only you. Now.’’

Your words were halved and stuttered, eyes rolling to the back of your head as I traced your nub with my fingers, it throbbed beneath my touch and I growled at the attention, teased and pulled it as I suckled your skin.

‘’Yoongi no…just please…’’

It was beautiful, watching you writhe and shake, and I eased my finger into your dripping heat as you whimpered into my mouth, almost tearing as I worked myself into you.

‘’I don’t deserve you love. Not one bit of you. But you said I was selfish, and I am. Please let me be, let me be selfish for you?’’ I whispered into your ears and you came all over my fingers, sweet and beautiful. Pure, and all for me.

I pulled you into my arms and laid behind you, my raging hard on pressing into your skin as my hands travelled the side of your frame, choosing to rest of their own over your heat. It was possessive and animalistic and you purred against me, requesting ever to sweetly to let you take care of me. But I needed to be with you tonight, to feel your skin and love you. Let you know that perhaps I wasn't always that selfish, that I could give before I took.

"I love you Yoongi. And even if it takes time... Even if you leave. I am not perfect, far from it. I always do stupid things, but you're a fighter Yoongi. You're strong and brave and so much more... Don't give up just yet baby? It'll be hard but-" I sealed your pretty mouth with mine, eating up all of your goodness as I saw your eyes tear, with pride and strength. All for me.

"I am not giving up beautiful. I can't. Because my angel won't allow it. Because I won't allow seeing her cry over the thought of it."

It was awkward for me, to say things out loud, to reassure and comfort. But for you, for you I'd try. For the blush that grazed you neck and warmed you skin just a little more than the subsiding heat, I'd move mountains and oceans, bring stars and planets to your feet.

And so I kissed you and held you, as you did me, my arm tucked under your head as you snored against it. My hand nestled between your legs as they wrapped around mine, encasing me and shielding me from my own turmoil.

It was easy. It was beautiful and we were whole, complete and loved.

[professor-hiddles]

Unspoken [bucky barnes]

pairing: bucky x reader (modern au??? but bucky still has the arm)

words: 2.6k 

warnings: implied smut, some violence? also maybe just a little slut shaming (not from any of our faves i promise) uhhh some angst & swearing too

a/n: this might be kinda sucky but whatevs i just wanted to post something lol. also theres a vine reference in there for some comic relief :) enjoyyyyyyy

The two of you knew what you were getting into. It was a mutually beneficial relationship, but purely sexual. Something to release the tension. There were five rules you had set in place, rules that kept both of you safe. 

Rule 1

No physical contact outside of your bedroom sessions. Since you shared a friend group, it was common to be seen out in public together, but this was your own rule. No touching. You could talk, make jokes, and even flirt, but no skin to skin contact.

Rule 2

Don’t stay away from potential relationships at the expense of the other. If an opportunity for a relationship presented itself, don’t stay away to protect feelings, and don’t try to keep the other person away from someone with potential.  

Rule 3

Keep emotions or pillow talk to a minimum. You’re not building an intimate relationship, but rather just having fun and enjoying one another physically. Only engage in emotional conversations if absolutely necessary. This was a rule broken rather often, as the both of you were usually under intense stress. 

Rule 4

No dates. No meeting for coffee, no going out to dinner. If you were gonna hang out, it would be with your friends. 

***

Something changed around two months into your agreement. Bucky was getting more sensual with you, being incredibly gentle and making sure that you were completely comfortable before he did anything. This was unusual, as he was typically a bit rough and fast. It was certainly different, but you weren’t complaining. 

“Buck, is there a reason as to why you’re being so gentle with me?” you asked, gently tugging on his hair. His mouth left your body for a moment, eyes meeting yours. 

“No reason, why? Are you uncomfortable?” he asked, his metal hand drawing circles on your thigh. He got back to work, pleasure coming over you in waves.

“No—not at all. Just wondering,” you said before arching your back off the mattress. Damn, he was talented with his mouth. 

He hummed in response, the vibration going through your whole body. His hands held your hips, keeping your body firmly planted on the bed. Your heart was racing, the euphoria coursing through you. 

Bucky crawled up next to you, laying on his back. You rolled onto your stomach to face him. Your hands met his hair, twirling it around your finger. 

“I think we should stop this, Buck,” you whispered, avoiding eye contact. His head turned toward yours, his smile dropping. 

“Why? I thought we were having fun, Y/N,” he said, his hand grabbing the one that was intertwined in his hair. 

“We are—were, but I met someone.” 

Rule 2. 

He could feel his heart break a little. All he could think of was someone else touching you in the ways that he did. 

“Oh. Do I know him?” he asked, his voice as low as yours. 

You nodded, “Brock Rumlow, I think he goes to your gym.” 

Fucking Brock, Bucky thought, Of course he would rob me of the one good thing in my life.

Bucky didn’t respond, instead just closing his eyes. You knew he heard you, and you knew he was hurt. You didn’t push the topic, so you let sleep wash over you.

You woke up to an empty bed, the sheets next to you were cold. A frown formed on your face, but you knew what this meant. 

You knocked your head back onto your pillow, letting a groan escape. A part of you felt empty, but a part of you felt enlightened, free to explore what other men have to offer. 

Bucky returned to his apartment, dreading the loneliness that was bound to ensue. He had fallen for you, hard. He hated the idea of someone else holding your heart, someone else taking part in your life. 

He knew he wasn’t supposed to fall for you, but love works in mysterious ways. He loved your laugh, how you got a bit embarrassed when it was too loud. He loved the way you said his name. He loved the way you joke with each other, more sarcasm than he’d ever experienced. He liked that you weren’t afraid of him, metal arm and all. That usually drives people off, but not you. He loved that you bear your feelings to him, your vulnerabilities. 

He longed to hold your hand. He wanted nothing more than to kiss your cheek and tell you how beautiful you are. Truly stunning. He longed to kiss you in front of your friends, call you his once and for all. He longed to be the one you come to after a long day, just for comfort. 

He felt miserable. The one thing that actually meant something to him had been taken. He knew this day would come. He just never pictured it would be so soon. 

He should have told you how he felt. He still should. 

Bucky pulled himself together, put on a happy face and made his way to the gym. He walked in, eyes scanning the area for Brock. He hoped that he wasn’t there, but nothing ever goes the way you want it to. He decided it might be good to talk to him at least.

His eyes landed on the man in question. Bucky took a deep breath and walked over to the weights he was using. 

“Need a spot, Brock?” he asked, hoping that he would say yes. Brock looked at him, realizing who was asking. 

A cocky smile grew on Brock’s face, “Hey, man. If you don’t mind, that’d be great.”

Bucky forced a smile on his face, he stepped behind the bench press. Half of him wanted to drop the barbell on the man, but the other half wanted to grill him about you. He decided on the latter.

“So, uh, you and Y/N, huh? How long has that been going on?” Bucky said, trying to casually slip questions into the light conversation. 

A smug look crossed his face, “Around two weeks or so, she’s a cool girl. Surprised one of you didn’t pick her up already.”

You and me both, buddy, Bucky thought, gritting his teeth. “Yeah, she’s the best. Treat her good, man.”

A short laugh left Brock’s mouth. “To be honest with you, I think this’ll be more of a hit it and quit it kind of thing, you know? She’s stupid hot, but not really girlfriend material. Seems like a bit of a whore. I heard she fucks every dude in your friend group.” 

Bucky scoffed. It was taking everything he had in him not to punch the man’s teeth in. 

“Who fed you that bullshit lie? You’re lucky she even considered you, dipshit,” Bucky growled. He couldn’t just stand idly by anymore, he took the bar out of the man’s hands and pulled him up by the collar of his shirt, “If you even think about hurting her, I’ll hunt you down and fucking kill you.”

Brock looked genuinely scared for a moment, before a smile appeared on his face. “My god, you’re in love with the whore! Let me guess, you’re fucking her too?” 

“Alright, thats it. You asked for it, you piece of shit!” Bucky yelled, before charging at Brock. Several punches were thrown before Bucky felt someone pulling him off of the man. 

Steve had a strong grip on the man, guiding him toward the exit. “Dude, what the hell? I know he’s a douche, but you can’t lunge at him in the middle of the gym! What was it even about?” 

Bucky’s hand curled into a fist, “He was calling Y/N a whore, and saying he was only with her for sex. I just couldn’t help myself. I hate when assholes like him get such wonderful women and then drop them like they’re nothing. She deserves someone better than that, Steve. She deserves someone who’ll listen to her, and keep her happy, and take care of her in all the best ways.”

A small smile worked its way onto Steve’s face, “Someone like you?”

Bucky nodded his head, “Yes! Wait—how did you know I meant me?” he looked at the man, clearly puzzled. You two were careful to hide your relationship, you were sure none of your friends knew.

“Dude, you think no one notices how you stare at her? You get this little sparkle in your eyes every time you talk to her, its almost sickening how cute it is,” Steve said, patting his friend on the shoulder. 

“She doesn’t feel the same, anyway, so what does it matter? I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her, Steve.” Bucky said, his eyes glued to the pavement. 

Steve sighed, “What do you mean ‘you weren’t supposed to fall in love with her,’? Why not?”

Bucky’s breath hitched in his throat, “Uh, never mind. No reason.” 

Steve didn’t look convinced, but he let the topic go. “You might not have noticed, Buck, but she definitely does. When you aren’t there, all she does is talk about you.”

His eyes flicked up to meet Steve’s, his cheeks flushed. Bucky could barely get out a coherent sentence. 

“No, I—that can't be,” he mumbled, but all evidence of doubt was erased when he saw the look on Steve’s face, “Really? But she’s so beautiful and kind and downright great; and I’m me.” 

Steve nodded, “Yeah man, but she wont like you for long if you don’t explain your side of what just happened in there. For all we know, Rumlow could be telling her that you attacked him for no reason.” 

Bucky’s eyes went wide for a moment, before running a hand through his hair. He let out a shaky breath before pulling out his phone. 

“Shit, ok, I’m gonna ask her to meet me at the bar later. Hopefully I can lay everything out and we’ll be on the same page, but if not, be prepared to nurse my broken heart.”

Steve gave a short nod before clapping him on the back, “Good luck, Buck. You’ll do great, I know it.”

After a shower and a quick bite to eat, Bucky walked down the sidewalk, trying to figure out what he would say to you. Would he apologize for putting Brock in his place? Hell no. Would he apologize for letting it get that out of hand? Possibly. Would he tell you how he felt and accept your answer, good or bad? Absolutely. 

He took a seat at the bar, ordering a whiskey, neat. His eyes darted around the bar, his nerves making him a bit jumpy. The door to the establishment opened once more with the ring of a bell, your senses taking in the familiar sights and sound that the bar has to offer. 

You heard shot glasses hit the bar counter; the sharp sound of a cue ball being hit. Your gaze almost immediately caught the glimmer of the metal arm, a smile crawling up your face. Your heels clicked on the floor below you, the sound catching Bucky’s attention. 

He stood up, arms enveloping you in a hug. Rule 1, you remembered, but maybe I can let it slide just this once. Your arms slid around his waist, returning the embrace. Bucky pulled away first, his hands resting on your shoulders. 

“Y/N, sit, please,” he said, pulling the bar chair out for you. You took the seat, still wondering what you were doing here. “I know you said you want to end things because you found someone, and I respect that decision, but please, just hear me out for a moment.”

You sighed, but stayed silent, signaling him to go on. 

“Okay, this might come out the wrong way, but please understand that I mean absolutely no disrespect to you,” your eyes widened slightly, but still you let him continue. “Brock isn’t the guy for you, you should cut things off with him.” 

A short, dry laugh left your lips, “Why? Who told you that this was your decision to make?” 

Hurt flashed across his eyes, but he stayed calm. “Y/N, he called you a whore. He also said that he’s only going out with you to get in your pants. He doesn’t want the real you, he only wants the idea of you. I know its not my decision to make,  but I really think that this is whats best for you.” 

“No, you’re lying. How do you know that? Last I checked you weren’t all buddy buddy with him,” you said, shaking your head. “How do you know whats good for me?”

He ran a hand through his hair, “Thats my opinion, Y/N. I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, but it needed to be said. If I can save you from this guy, then best believe I’ll put everything on the line to do so.”

“Please, you think I need saving? I’m perfectly capable of handling this on my own, thank you very much,” you said, close to tears.

“I know you can, but I’m worried that your feelings might blind you from whats actually going on!” he yelled, but you stormed out. Bucky was quick to follow, lightly gripping your arm. 

You spun around to face him, anger clear on your face, “Why? Why do you care so damn much?”

Both of your hearts picked up, nearly beating out of your chests. Bucky’s eyes looked glassy, he didn’t mean to upset you. All he wanted was to warn you, and tell you how he felt. 

“You wanna know why? Because I‘m fucking in love with you, Y/N! I know I wasn’t supposed to, but you made it damn hard to resist. When you told me about Brock, my heart nearly cracked in two. I didn’t even want to think about him having what I hold dearest to my heart. I’m in love with you for you, not your body, or the idea of you. I love that you listen to me, and confide your feelings in me. I love how much you care for those around you, and the kindness that’s so clearly within your heart. I love the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you love, and the smile that makes my heart jump. I didn’t want to fall in love with you, but I’ll be damned if I tell you I regret it, because I absolutely don’t,” his chest was heaving now, and you couldn’t tell if the wetness on his face was the pouring rain around you or tears.

You stared at him, the weight of his words weighing on your shoulders. You wanted to cry, punch him and kiss him all in the same moment. 

He looked like he was going to speak up again, but you cut him off by pressing your lips to his. It wasn’t at all rushed like your past ones, but more passionate and loving. His arms were protectively wrapped around you, your bodies pressed close. 

You pulled away, resting your forehead on his, “Buck, we broke rule five.”

A smile was on his face, “I think we broke all of the rules, but fuck ‘em, especially rule five.”

Rule five wasn’t a rule you talked about often, because it was understood by all parties. Technically, the ‘unspoken’ rule. 

Rule 5

Do not, under any circumstances, fall in love with the other. 

[quelynxyz]

Never in my life did I think I'd be shipping Niles with Grima but here we are, so thanks my dude

OKAY ANON YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW INVESTED I AM FOR NILES X GRIMA OK AY OK AY AS MUCH AS I LIKE NILES AS THE FUCKBOI @ GRIMA WHO IS A GIANT HISSY CAT , I ACTUALLY THOUGHT MORE ABOUT IT AND HERES MY T  AKE

SO NILES IS WARY OF GRIMA AT FIRST, I MEAN , WHO WOULDNT BE ? ?? ?  ITS AN ANCIENT MURDER DRAGON.BUT THATS NOT STOPPING NILES FROM WALTZING UP TO GRIMMA, CHATTING THE FELLA UP, ADDING SOME INNUENDO HERE AND THERE AND BASICALLY GETTING ALL UP IN GRIMA’S PERSONAL SPACE

AND Of course Grima is affronted, startled even. How DARE THIS PATHETIC HUMAN TRY TO GET ALL TOUCHY FEELY UGHHGHG and so he tries to intimidate niles, maybe threatens him with death.

And niles, being NILES, JUST FINDS THAT INCREDIBLY HOT, tells that to grima’s face, adn grima is taken aback and has to escape and plot to figure out how to intimidate this human. Niles is heavily amused and plans to stick around for further fun.

And then they eventually become fuckbuddies, not much else to say besides that its purely physical.

and then it becomes something more. Not romance, not friendship, but a uneasy coexistence? Niles is flirtatious and a giant asshole to everyone in order to keep them away, but also hates people who dont understand hardship because welps their heads are stuck up their asses. Grima on the other hand hates humans because theyre pretentious and hypocrites. But eitherway niles and grima come to a mutual understanding and niles figures, ,hey ancient murder dragon isnt so bad. Grima figures, hey thirsty human isnt quite the pretentious asshole he makes himself out to be.

And GODS i want to know grimas backstory so much like ? ? ? ? ? Why does he hate humaans?   was he once good and then humans fucked him over? ?? ?  i mean that doesnt justify the whole awakening arc, but it sure as hell adds complexity and depth to his character which I’m always down for.  And he mentions a  lot about if he was human ? ?? ?  does he, ,, ,  want to be human ? ? ? ?  was he not always a big bad murder dragon ? ? ? ?hh h h

Either way, niles is the closest anyone has gotten to making grima feel like, , , he could have be human, and itd work out.Niles would DRAG Grima into a fullout slug fest.

they beat each other into a bloody and bruised mess, bodies flushed and heavingand grima just breaks out in laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of it allan ancient divine dragon like him, getting into a fist fight with a human?

“youre not different from the rest of us humans at all” Hearing that from niles? hmmmm interesting. Something to ponder about for grima i guess.

and yknow, who would want to kiss the fell dragon reincarnate?

hes been too busy taking over the world to actually do that with anyone

but here niles is

and as dumb as it is, Grima pulls niles by the scruff of his collar and mashes their face into a kiss and its awkward and it hurts and it doesnt feel rightits all teeth and their lips start bleedingand niles pulls back and just smirks“Looks like theres something the almighty dragon god cant do after all”and grima is absolutely furious until niles leans in again and leads and it f e e l s a bsolut el yg r eat (LOOK I JUST WANT  G RIMA TO SHOW PHYSICAL AFFECTION OUTSIDE OF FUCKING AND THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD THING) 

But also Grima avoids anything that makes him appear to human, like, he’s actively avoiding making talk, physical contact, eating, etc. But why? Niles points out, the fact that hes avoiding such things, proves that grima is aware that he could be just as human as the next guy. So why wont grima? Whats there to be afraid of?

Grima lashes out at niles, they get into a rough spot, things are heated for a weak. Niles knows he pushed too far when grima doesnt even talk back.

AND I H AVENT  F I GURED  OUT WHATS NEXT BUT YEAH THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK ABOUT GRIMA NILES

[growingrootsinco]

My Timeline

This exercise is designed to help pick the patterns in my behavior. Along the way I'm sure I will find other uses for it. First, a few reminders. DO NOT go back and edit. DO NOT beat around the bush. Accuracy is key.

2011

Working retail. In a relationship that is mind numbing. Brand new at this and dont have much to report. Not even sure what to write here.

2012

Fighting feelings of guilt. He's finally been put behind bars. I think I may need counseling.

Feeling guilty. Wanna kill myself.

2013

Fired from job. On unemployment. Still in BS relationship. Not sure this timeline is panning out to be what I thought it would.

New a new start. Signed up for college classes. Dental Assisting. Not something I would have thought I would choose. Worth a try.

School is turning out to be fun. Trouble paying but dad is helping. Gave me a car to get into San Antonio. I can feel the stress subsiding. Step grandfather passed. No emotion for someone who was such a prick towards the end of his life.

Christmas was a disaster. So many snobby family members.

2014

Ok. I think I'm getting this timeline thing. Hard to not go back and change it though.

Enjoying school. Especially clinicals. Will start my hours soon the graduate.

Relationship is okay now that he stays gone all week. I think I hate him.

Hours in my clinicals are rough with no pay. Got a job at a little cafe about 20 hours a week. Love my boss and his wife.

Clinicals FINALLY done. Job searching time.

OMFG clinical hours do not count as experience therefore no experience equals no job. wtf.

FML still no fucking chances anywhere. Suicidal thoughts.

Mom flipped the fuck out as usual. Took the boyfriends side because she was wrong. Would have rather him have gone. Getting tired of both of them anyway.

Time to hold it down on my own. His health is bad. Which makes me feel bad for wanting him gone. I think I have checked out emotionally. Or never checked in.

2015

Finally got my foot in the door at an office. Found someone I can learn everything from. She's awesome. The doctor is a douche but I can deal. Besides what man isnt a douche?

Theres something wrong with this office. So many people being secretive and my office manager is a total bitch. A "mean girl".

Gotta stop reading over this everytime I come in here. I want to change it!

Ok my 6 months is up for experience, time to look for another office. My mentor flaked and left. On my own.

Put in 2 week notice only to have my pay raised and promoted to office manager. Do I really want to sit behind a desk instead of working on patients?

Still in dead end relationship. Still hate him. Suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm getting this timeline down. Starting to see my patterns already. Even if I dont write them in here. How to fix them?

Easy holidays without family. Spent them with friends in Bastrop. Relief!

2015

Still working in the same office for more pay. Found out why everyone is so secretive. Doctor is a mess. In debt up to his eyeballs, no longer getting paid on time, misappropriated funds on a regular basis, has no business sense what so ever, deals with shady people, I doubt his abilities due to MANY pissed off patients, holy shit, the list goes on. Back to the drawing board for a new job.

2 surgeries almost back to back. I'm falling apart. Suicidal thoughts.

Well fuck. Jobs are everywhere but pay is a bitch. Nothing matches it. Cant quit here if I cant sustain my living situation.

BS relationship has finally taken its toll. Verdict is in. I hate his guts. Tired of doing everything myself. Spends all his time on the computer chating with girls. What do I care? Maybe one of them will take him in. Why do I want to strangle him in his sleep?

2016

Got a new house but still not happy.

Tried out a new office but it's not the same. I think I got use to the chaos. Alot of blood sweat and tears have gone into that office. Went back.

Doctor has hired an overpriced nanny. This bitch is gonna drive me to drinking. I've been replaced. Good thing or bad thing?

Starting to understand my emotions. Realizing my family is the root of my issues in life. Now I'm becoming content with no contact. Just have to figure out this BS relationship.

On my birthday, I think I found my SM. Talking on a regular basis. And finally figured out what to do about BS relationship.

2017

Missed a bunch of time on this so I'm writing it in 2019 and trying to write as I would have in that time and frame of mind. Using things from other posts to help write this.

New home again but cant afford it without help. Took on roommate. She's awesome.

Hanging with Boozefighters next door is a really good time.

Fired from job for insubordination. What a bitch!

Depression setting in. I want out of this town. Suicidal thoughts.

Dad is helping me move back to hometown and can already tell I was right about my family. My daughter is pissed!

Trying to find comfort in family but wanting more than anything for SM to give in.

First job back in retail because dental pay is BS.

Things with SM are rocky. A couple of jail stays and lots of drinking. Having trouble keeping my head on straight and leaning back on emotions instead of thinking logical.

SM busted! Now what? Something always sets me back. Wtf? What is so wrong with my choices in life?

Got a place together. More drinking...... and some fighting......... and court........

Realized I went off the reservation due to my feelings for him. Haven't thought logical in some time.

These feelings have to be real. Cant fight them. But emotions are unreliable.

More turmoil with family. Trying to reconcile with mother. Didnt got well. Fuck it!

2018

Lost car at Christmas and finding it hard to hold onto my job. Feeling depressed again. Suicidal thoughts.

Only thing I'm sure of are my feelings for SM. He's got me and now I'm scared of what I may do for him.

Job is suffering so transfer and begin walking to work.

Realizing the hold SM has on me and it's dangerous. Is it healthy to be this attached? Should I distance myself? HELL NO

Bought a new car. But now I need a new job and SM is leaving me to serve time.

Moved in with grandmother when SM goes into serve time. I'm slipping again. More depression and anxieties are back.

New job is overnights and not sleeping like I need to. I want him home! Job isnt going well from depression and 2 hospital visits for sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Job is too demanding and anger creeping up.

Transfer to different department hoping it helps but instead get hours cut.

Weekend drives to unit for visits that never seem to last long enough. Cant touch him like I need to, like i want to.

Dont want to do a fucking thing if he cant be with me. Cancelled on so many things with friends. Is this what my life has come to?

Searching for a new job. Wtf is wrong with this town. Part time only and everyone is short staffed.

Cant pay bills at my grandmothers. 500 dollar electric bill. Fuck this!

I'm cracking..... had an emotional breakdown and unsure of how to hold myself together.

Hanging with people I know I shouldnt and offered a chance at Colorado. Do I take it?

Got another part time overnight. What the hell am I doing killing myself like this? Fuck this town and fuck this whole goddamn state!

Took the Colorado offer but I know he will have issues with it. How to handle it? It's where he wants to be but doubt we would make it there by his hand.

Packed up, missed a visit. He's going to go ape shit! Daughter is more excited then I am because I cried all the way here. Why does it feel wrong at the same time?

Well I was right. He went ape shit.

Colorado is a culture shock but I can feel myself calming. Driving the amish all over is peaceful and informative. But hurting for money. Place we are staying in is run down and not fit for habiting.

SM sent a letter. If I dont go back, its over. I guess it's over. I dont have the money to go back. Hold onto hope that he will be here when he gets out anyway.

Got a job with the county that's going well. I now understand what I have to do to complete my main goal. (Main goal is in another post.)

Opened the guitar up to stare at it and cry all day. Wth............

Christmas was rough. Still on the fence about my decision to come here even though most of the time I'm at peace with the views here.

2019

Person I came with is expressing feelings towards me. Not feeling it.

Working 2 part time jobs so I can stop driving the amish but tired of the travel with one job.

Got a place in Romeo. Its decent but I've been ripped off. This asshole needs to be shot. Speaking of being shot. I'm being threatened and I have 2 gunshots in my house.

Rightful owner let me buy it from her. Ok I can do this. Now to do something about the asshole who ripped me off. The fucker lives right across the street.

Against my better judgement J moves in. I think I need protection. Bought a gun. Bad idea. J is a felon. He's not here alot but appearance is what matters. Wtf. I guess I'm back to using people again.

Turns out we make a good team. Accomplishing quite a bit to achieve my main goal. I still dont feel like he does but I'm getting shit done.

Bought a trailer house, 2 parcels of land, a boat, 2 cars and a camper trailer. Way to go!!!

What the hell did I just do? I just made things way more complicated and started something I have no intentions of finishing. Heart breaking again.

Fighting, fighting, fighting. I finally understand how SM felt about me in the beginning. Suicidal thoughts.

My daughter is settling in nicely. Started a three some relationship and taking after my mother. Lol Now she's met a guy and starting to find herself.

My daughter turned 18! Holy shit I'm old............

SM is in a halfway house......... he didnt sound happy and I think my heart is breaking again. J is flipping out on me again over SM. Pressure is on. Dont slip again. Stay focused.

Yay! for phone time! Again confirming my emotions are real this time.

My daughter graduated. Yup, I'm still old. And getting older by the minute.

Went to Midland to clear up the storage unit. Fuck! It's all gone. Destroyed! All his stuff is gone. I've gotta replace it all.

Ok home ownership sucks! Everything breaks and has to be fixed........ twice!

Cleared my head. For once........

Divorce is final. 16 years and now back in contact with my son. Feeling complete.

Job is going great.

In negotiations on another home and a restaurant.

Joined 2 community boards and Search & Rescue.

Talk therapy helped me come to a conclusion. Time to let go of SM.

Married J. Did I do whats best for my future?

This time around, marriage has proved to be easier than the first. Im all in but fearful of not knowing what the future holds.

Notes

Fill in above the notes as you go. Remember. Dont edit or erase. Dont fucking touch it other than adding. Calling yourself out only works when the truth is written down. Yes they will change consistently. Find your patterns. Truth means sensitive information so dont let anyone read it unless you are ready for anger. If you happen to mentor someone in the future, that might not be a good idea! And pay attention during depression spells. Ever emotion counts.

Had the best holidays ever. Real trees are a mess though.

2020

Finally got full time with benefits at the County

Set up my retirement and 401. This is what I have wanted my entire life. And life insurance!

Pandemic approaching.

Lockdown! Sent home for 2 months with pay.

Took up arts and crafts and gardening to pass the time.

Stimulus check. Bought my daughter a car.

Lots of facetime with my son!

Back to work. So many restrictions.

COVID cases are declining.

County in trouble financially. How much longer will I have a job?

Paid of the house! After a court battle from attempting to rip us off. Again........

Gained another family member.

Going back on lockdown with pay again.

[notesfromthepen]

The Chronicles of the king of Richmond

I came across some shit today that I had to share. Something too funny, dark, and ridiculous to keep to myself. But I had to figure out a way to first, get my hands on the material, and then how to give the context needed for it to be fully appreciated.

First I should start with the characters involved. We are a trio. Me, Joe, and the 'king'. I'll refer to him as the 'king' (with a lowercase 'k') because he wanted to remain anonymous, for several reasons, that should become clear later. 

Joe is, by far, my best friend in here and we've been pretty much inseparable for years now, (we were bunkies twice at another facility). Some of you may have read previous posts about him. We are very different people, which is often the case with really good friends. But there is no doubt that our bond is, almost entirely, built on our shared sense of humor. A sarcastic, brutally honest, self deprecating, anything for a laugh, sense of humor. 

A sense of humor developed since childhood surrounded by witty, smart-assed, assholish mentors and peers. It can be a harsh environment to grow up in, but there is a purity to be found there. An accountability and brutal honesty that is humbling and real. There are no aires allowed to survive amongst friends with no fear of giving offense. No bullshit is left uncalled, no lies left un-confronted, and no opinions restrained. Nothing is sacred and everything is mined for a laugh. 

Basically we talk a lot of shit.

Nothing bonds me to another person more instantly than a similar sense of humor. Since coming to this new prison Joe and I have found a fellow, flawed, degenerate asshole, willing to laugh at himself and judge others for the sake humor. 

This, is the so called 'king of Richmond.' His majesty is a large guy, about 6'1 and 240 lbs. of slightly chubby, bearded, man beef. He's well kept and neat in appearance (aside from his portly build). He's got some charisma and charm at his disposal and makes decent use of it when needed.

The king, however, has a glaring flaw, as do most of us. He's a raging addict, whose life is lived for, and run by, an incessant need for opiates. This adds an interesting but constantly problematic dimension to his life behind bars. The perpetual need to produce the money for his lifestyle is a constant story line. Most of his fundraising is done over the phone. Preferably through manipulation, but he's not above blatant begging from people in the free-world. Family members, friends, exes, and a sugar momma round out his fundraising Rolodex. 

A few days ago, Joe borrowed his Majesty's tablet to listen to his music, and being the stand up friends we are, we wasted no time before invading his privacy. We opened his 'sent email' files and struck gold. Dark, hilarious, sad, revealing gold. What we found was email after email of mental and emotional manipulation in a quest to fund his lifestyle. That's the sad part. The hilarious part is witnessing the level of shameless groveling, damage control, and clumsy begging, our friend is willing to stoop to. 

After an intervention filled with embarrassment, ridicule, and some tear inducing laughs from all parties, I gained the 'kings' permission to post some of the gems. 

But first a disclaimer: If any form of self-respect or sense of shame is something you're expecting, then prepare yourself, because you will find neither in these emails. Also, I wanted to maintain the "purity" of the emails as they were originally written, so I left the misspellings and incorrect grammar. However, for the sake of read-ability, I added some commas and periods here and there. Other than that they are all original text, with the exception of my commentary, which will be in [brackets].

So without further adieu, I now present to you: The Chronicles Of The king Of Richmond.

Sugar Momma

The following correspondence was sent to the kings sugar momma. As her title would imply she is his main source of income. His "Go-To". She works at McDonalds and has had the unfortunate luck to be in  "love" with the king for roughly a year now. This letter is the most recent and well into the travesty that is their "relationship". This email is more focused on making excuses for begging than actual begging, but stay tuned they get worse.

His words are in "quotes" and my commentary is in [brackets]. Some are comments and some are translations of his bullshit, what he really means.

KOR 11/24  “listen, I wasn't insinuating you were fat, and honestly I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. [he definitely was] I was giving you an example of how you could save a few bucks, so maybe out of the kindness of your heart [or from my incessant guilt laden begging] you could send me a few. Belive it or not, its rough in here, and sometimes I need money to survive in here. [Let's make one thing clear: The constant stress of his habit and the debts he accrues makes his time infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. So more money isn't the solution. It’s the problem.] That's what I was saying. I've been down for 5yrs Jenn and pretty much aint had much help, except from a few. [Just a little context. I get 50$ a month. This jackass spends 300$ a week]. We were together a long time. we broke up when I was in here, so yeah its a little different than if you were just some ex. I shouldn't exspect [too bad they don't give out money for misspelled words] it, but I would hope”. 

“I guess I wasn't who I thought I was to you. [what a word-smith]. I might have put you through a lot of shit, but you sought me out. Remember that. You knew who I was. [Yeah, so you deserve everything I put you through.] Everyone did. I was the king of that town [AND THERE IT IS! The self proclaimed king of Richmond...Oh I can't tell you how embarrassed for him, angered at him, and ashamed to call him my friend I was when I read this!] not to try and sound conceited but I was, [OK. You can't say you’re not being  conceited and then double down on your brag. BTW Richmond has a population smaller than most elementary schools. So it was a small 'kingdom' to say the least] and now no one has my back. it sucks, out of everyone, I hoped that you would have, but no!! [I hope he had a neck brace on when he wrote this. This guy can go from bragging to groveling so fast that it causes whiplash]. When we broke up I wanted you to be happy and get married and do what ever. [He ran out of ideas! That's his limit of things he could conjure up that would make her happy: 2] I just wanted you to still be there for me [AKA: support my habit] and if roles were reversed Jenn, you would have 50 every month and my family would probaly even send you money and that's the proven truth. [From probably to proven truth in half a sentence?]  And you know it, so that shit hurts me, let's just remember who's the one locked up!! I'm the old me again [king?] and I'll remember all my real friends, that were there for me, when I get out in 3 in a half years.[Yeah but will they remember you?] Not long at all. And the thing with frank, [Oh yes! Thankgod he's back on the whole Frank thing! I wish I knew his address I'd send him a bottle of whisky!] belive me, I heard stories, a few. [Yeah and they haunt his dreams] but regardless, I love you, just wish you were kinder to me. ...The king”

[That's his cleanup? Someone get him a neck brace]

KOR 12/6 [Damage control] “baby, funny you say sober honestly, but no i totally understand. im sorry if it feels like sometimes I take you for granted.[by sometimes he means 'all the time'] let me try to explain [please do], in here if you don't get in a constant routine and try to make things repetitive, the time will do you, not you do the time. [A vague prison saying he heard someone say in here once and thought it sounded cool] if that makes sense [it doesn't.], its not my intentions to make it carry over into our relationship [but if it does I'm willing to live with it] I'm sorry [that I have to do this song and dance to get money]. and I fully intend to check myself and let you know how special you truly are to me [and by 'check myself' I mean I'll continue doing the exact same amount of drugs, if not more. and I'll show you how special you are by kindly taking your minimum wage paycheck]. The money you send me is for me to live comfortably in here [get high], that means getting things done that I need to get done while I'm here [I mean, these drugs aren't gonna do themselves.] and 90%, is the food and shit i need to survive [but mostly drugs]. We are already at a disadvantage because I only get 75% of what you send, which sucks [it would be much more efficient if I could put 100% of what you send me up my nose]. And they rip us off on prices on the food as it is. So I'm sorry, but i want you to fully understand you are my baby girl [creepy] and when i get out, roles will reverse and I'll be the provider and you'll live real comfortable [said with his fingers crossed], except when I come home every night and blow that back out bitch!!!! [and theres that winning charm I mentioned! what a smooth operator] I love you. [He doesn't] I got to go to the doctor at 9:30 [Ironically its 'his' back that's blown out] so I'll call you after count [to beg for more $]. I love you [again he doesn't]. if that eases your mind [It shouldn't] I love you!!! [and one final lie to cap off this masterpiece.]

Ex-Girlfriend

These next three are to his ex-girlfriend. She's somewhere down the list of reliable donors, but desperate times call for desperate measures and being a dope fiend in prison means, constant desperate times.

KOR 11/23 "So happy thanksgiving! [Now that the pleasantries are out of the way] So I havnt had any money lately, so no stamps but I just got some anyways [2nd sentence in and already caught in a lie. Clearly if he sent this, he has stamps]. Yeah I heard all about you and Carol's argument, and Dan and Josh messaging, and you jumping in on their message, and Dan cutting into you about being a shitty ex (/friend) [OK, I have to translate. First of all, this email seems to be sponsored by unnecessary commas. I guess some people were attacking her on Facebook for not sending the 'king' an adequate amount of money] Most I agree with. [Especially the money part] You havnt been there for me Jennifer [how dare you!]. I belive you have kinda done me wrong [how do you sleep at night?] and other people believe that too [so there!]. Im not saying your wrong for living your life [but you are] and going and being with someone new [because there's no way he's cooler than me]. but you can look out for the man [I use the term man loosely] that looked out for you since you were just a baby! [???? what???? creepy! actually I need to go ask him about this one.. OK he said he meant when she was 18] When I have asked for money in the past, you deny me [who the fuck do you think you are an ex?]. Hell, I'm broke right now [and that's your responsibility]. I can't get money. [But regardless I incessantly ask for it? Blatant lie no.2] uncle only sends me 50 a month and that ain't shit, that's hygiene a month. [Who calls their uncle uncle and not my uncle? What is he an orphan from the 1800's?] You don't keep money on the phone Jenn. I don't care who your new man is [again, not cooler than me], if you truly love me, you can talk to me. And 50 dollars, every couple of months ain't shit Jenn [trust me its nothing! I blow through it in no time]. So I and everyone else just think your wrong for that [OK, now he's literally speaking for everyone. Which is strange because I don't remember giving him my opinion on how much money his ex should be spending on his habit]. I will always have love for you. I just wish you would treat me with the respect I deserve [but have in no way earned]. I've been down 5 yrs and havnt got no more than 100 dollars from you. i basicaly took the rap and I get no respect. [Now he's doing his Rodney Dangerfield impression? what's next, Dr Vinnie Boombatz? (look it up)]  That's fucked up!!!!! well I thought, since I finally got some stamps I can finally reply. I wish you would start respecting me as someone you love!!! 

'The King of Richmond' (The realest you've ever known!)”  [That last part is 100% real. I almost died laughing when I read this! The realest? No comment I can muster will be adequate at dealing with the ridiculousness of this sign off. What a heavy handed attempt to sound like a cool guy. Remember, this is to an ex-girlfriend! No way does playing the cool guy ever work on an ex. She's been in the bathroom after you. She's smelled your shit. Also remember that the whole point of this email is to beg for money! Oh I'm so glad I'm friends with this silly degenerate!]

KOR 11/24 “what? really I thought we just made it through everything; [Im going to say we and then make you feel bad for a bunch of shit you needed] your rent to your sister, the presents for the babies, your phone you needed [you know, the trivial shit]. I thought we got through it baby? [You mean to tell me the babies got my drug money?] I owe a 100$ and I don't even got a noodle right now. Thank god for you, because my brother doesn't give a fuck if I rot in here [because be knows the real me] and everyone else apparently don't care. [Possibly the most poorly crafted sentence in the history of writing, and now down to business] We can do 100 and then 50. [Tell the babies and your sister to fuck off! I have needs.] So I can eat off the 35 from the 50 for the rest of this month [hope I confused her with all the numbers and poor grammar] cause the only thing I have is 2 soaps [just to be sure, one more number]. so work with me on this and I will make that last to the first OK! [In no world, was he able to make it last until the 1st] 

[And now back to the unwarranted guilt trip:] I thought you were done with all the present buying and rent.You even had a b-day!! [So there's really no excuse for not feeding my addiction. What are you selfish? Use your b-day money!] Which I think you needed to let loose a little anyways. [You really earned it, putting up with my begging and whatnot] I love you babe. I'll call you after count were supposed to have a blizzard today F U N!!!!!” [Bringing it all together with a little sarcastic humor? NICE!]

KOR 12/5 "Really Jenn? Don't think you can shame me for [well, anything but specifically] expecting a little money every once in a while” [you should know by now that shame is not a factor!] "Its not hard to skip going out to eat or buying that extra shirt, [extra shirt?Clearly he could only think of one good example to save money.] to throw me a little extra dough. [yeah, just go hungry and topless] I didn't bring Josh or Dan into this. [This whole exchange is about his friends and sugar mamma shaming Jenn for not sending home enough money] They did that on their own. They told me the conversation they had with you. I just agreed. I also didn't tell Carol to do that. She did that after her and Josh had a conversation about what had happened. Another thing is Jenn, don't kid yourself, I blew through a 35,000 dollar [insurance] check taking care of us, making sure we had a good time and 2 to 3 thousand every month up until i did that year in county (jail) [Yeah, I was a great provider until I got arrested! And by provider I mean cashing an insurance check]. So don't cry to me about a couple hundo [that's right, he's too cool to say hundred] and your fucking Ford Contour. I think your being rude, and you tried your damnest to fuck frank. [OK this is where it goes off the rails. He couldn't wait to mention the whole frank thing so he just shoehorned it in the conversation] I heard. [I'm confused, was she successful in her 'dam nest' attempt to fuck ole Frank?] That's funny [is it?], not that I care [well, I'm convinced. Nothing screams 'I care and it hurts so much' like saying I 'don't care'], cause I do have a good girl (a ride or die bitch I wish I always had) who does take care of me and keeps money on the phone and keeps me in touch with everyone [but only when I beg and grovel]. I'm in prison still pulling bitches [WOW!!! first of all he's definitely not and more importantly that's the most pathetic attempt at intended jealousy]. my point really isn't to brag, that's not what im trying to do. [It is] I'm just saying, its possible to still have a life and support someone in prison. even a little. you have just made NO effort at all and that piss people off and me. cause McDonald's checks weren't supporting our sort of lifestyle sweetie!!!!!! so I guess I wish you would change, but I doubt it. Anyways, happy to hear your grand ma is doing good. and next time you write, attach a stamp.” [OK, he's always good for a ridiculous ending but this one takes the cake. Let's examine: He spends 90% of this letter guilt tripping, berating, talking shit to, and begging for money. Then, literally in the 2nd to last sentence, he mentions her sick grandma's recovery? I have ask him how he carries around such big balls without a limp! And if you're still naive enough to think that he's done, you clearly don't know the ‘king’.]

[Our royal highness still has enough balls, and not enough shame, to ask this poor girl to attach a return stamp so she can continue this charming and fulfilling correspondence with her incarcerated ex-boyfriend. And now its clear how he became the king of Richmond: By sheer clumsy manipulation, a ruthless disregard for self respect, the freedom of movement that a spineless body provides and a fortitude willing to stoop to any low to accomplish his goal to get inebriated. The same way presidents get elected in this country. At any cost he would take the crown and he did. Without ever being to Richmond, I can say this with confidence: Anyone who would make him king and pay tribute to his court, truly deserves his rule. What a spectacular asshole the king is and I count him as a flawed degenerate of the worst degree. But I also count him as a friend…]

[isaacathom]

alternatively koshi is a hufflepuff alongside Rien, which probably bothers her for quite a while. not being with rien specifically, though she’s not a huge fan. but being a hufflepuff. it doesn’t make sense!! why isn’t she a gryffindor? or a slytherin, as her classmates shyly suggest. shyly, because with the bad reputation of the house preceding it, koshi takes great offence to the suggestion of being a slytherin.

also when i said mudblood, i meant muggle born. i forgot what the fuck shit was called. so rien and saval are supposedly both muggleborn. rien is actually ‘just’ a half blood, though this isn’t known until someone points out an uncanny resemblance to some wizard guy somewhere. maybe even at some event, idk for shit.

yengchu and koshi definitely play quidditch. yengchu becomes captain of the gryffindor team in her later years. koshi is one of the most ruthless players for the hufflepuff team and at least one of its victories throughout her time on the team can be directly attributed to her not being afraid to get down and dirty. whether they ever win the quidditch cup off of that is.. unclear (ill be real, i did research, and Man hufflepuff never even got the final once in those 8 years? jesus). she’d give it a solid go, though.

i dont know if saval or rien would want in. tamjol DEFINITELY doesnt. he doesn’t want in at all. he supports his friends though! sitting in the wrong bleacher with bright scarfs yelling and cheering. lovely boy. assuming they arent playing, rien is doing the same. saval would be a lot more subtle about it but she is at Every Single game without fail.

uhhhhhh what else.... hmmmmmmm. i dont know enough about shit to say anything else, i dont think. if amali is a hufflepuff, dalen is.... probably a slytherin, actually. or a gryffindor. tamjol’s father, aka Dick Assholeson, is definitely a person who exists in the broader world. probably as just like.... a huge asshole. huge pure blood asshole. definitely a slytherin. whether all his kids w/ his first wife as also slytherins is unclear, but its probably the case. most of them are ok, tho. tamjol is definitely known to be a half blood but his father keeps it EXTREMELY secret as to the fact he’s remotely connected to the family. So when people see Tamjol present with the whole Shonyul family on 1 3/4, for starters Hintero isn’t even there, its Elion and like. a butler or smth. And when someone asks hey, who’s the kid, Elion says it’s the kids of a ‘friend of hers’ who wasn’t able to come himself. Tamjol shrugs and gets on the train. He doesn’t sit with the Shonyul’s after they get on, anyway. being a ravenclaw is not the worst house he couldve gotten into given his family situation, but it’s not slytherin, so it’s a bit :| I don’t think Elion was a slytherin, though as a pureblood she may well have been.

rien’s dad is... around? not sure what he’s doing. he’s probably not a teacher or a quidditch star, though. he’s prooobably a slytherin, given his being a noble in CSFY, but he could be a ravenclaw, idk for shit. ill shade slytherin for him. clearly not a, uh, blood purist, considering who the kids mum is. he probably has other kids in later year levels at hogwarts, though, who are probably pure blooded? statistically, right. either slyths or ravenclaws. they dont share thaaaatt much of a resemblance to rien initially, but there is a lil something uncanny. like sometimes you’ll catch them in the same bleachers for a quidditch match and they’ll turn to react to something you haven’t seen and you’ll get a look at their faces all at once and go Wow.... Rien sure does look like they fit. This isn’t the case for Tamjol since he takes after his dad (who was probably a half blood or muggleborn)

actually Elion and Brasteon were probably in the same house, which would therefore not be slytherin. so we’ll chuck em both in ravenclaw.

and actually now i think about it.... larusion wouldn’t be a pureblood. not just because we got Too Fucking Many of these bastards, but because their grandmother (Lani Koshidan) was, in CSFY, a regular person given a title. ergo, she was probably a muggleborn. So when lani’s daughter marries Dravulean, their child is not a pureblood. They are still heavily associated with that pureblood heritage though.

uhh yengchu is probably a half giant? purely because i cant think/find a half- creature which fits the csfy elves properly. its either half giant or part veela. veela would be funny for the fact that yengchu is a lesbian and her charms work on everyone except the people she would actually want to do out with. for comedy alone, we’ll say she’s part veela.

as far as ‘counterpart to possession’ goes, im not honestly sure how to handle the fact that Koshi sort of has that lurking around. my gut instinct is that she’s a werewolf, and that this is something acquired during her time at hogwarts rather than while she was young (ala lupin). that would almost certainly get her expelled though, like just flat out given the boot. plus like, How would that even happen? what was happening in there. was this at school? if it was at hogwarts itself, then she has a chance of being allowed to stay as a sort of... repayment for allowing it to happen to her by failing to keep her safe from it. which is pretty much the only way she’d be let back in. but then you gotta ask how the fuck an asshole werewolf managed to get onto school grounds during the full moon and how koshi ended up getting infected as a result. and also only koshi. like. What happened there. what the fuck. wh. unless there’s been a chain of werewolf infection going along, like someone got bit outside of school year and then at the start of the new year, full moon, goes nuts, Koshi is taking a quick walk to clear her head because she’s a feisty mother fucker, and bam. victim number 3. id baaaasically buy that. the other kids getting fucking expelled but due to Koshi being a sympathetic victim, she’s allowed to stay. right? none of her friends are animagi tho, so she’s sort of fresh out on that front. not unless tamjol decided to do so for his own reasons, to soooort of parallel to the ghost thing? im not against the idea i just dont know why he’d do it. like that’s not really his thing. his thing is divination and stuff. nothing to really do with transfig.

it really is the best parallel though, since it doesnt basically the exact same thing her pact does, just with more physical changing and less clarity. plus god can you fucking imagine if a student gets infected with lycanthropy AT school? fuck. that shit’d be wild. theres no way they’d get away with that. theres no way that noone else finds out that Koshi is a werewolf. like, yea, teachers WOULD be the first people to respond to hearing absolutely fucking bloodcurdling screams from a courtyard, but the idea that absolutely no other student would end up seeing anything? that no other Smart Kid will notice that they brought silver to the sick room? that noone has seen the attacker and that coincidentally one of their classmates isn’t around? that none of that classmates friends were aware at all about it? fuuuck no. someone knows. someone will spill the beans. itd only be able to stay quiet for so long. someone will find out about it. if they dont, rumours will still spread. Koshi’s a werewolf, fuckers would jeer.

theres no way. its too big a thing in universe that i dont really think it works. cause if she’s bitten outside of school then there’s reaaaalllly not a way for her to get back in, i dont think. like i dont think they’d want her back at school. and while in csfy koshi did drop out of school, this isnt... really the same thing at alllllll? so idk. having her be an animagus was almost fit, but not really? its rough. something definitely happens during her later years, though.

who else... Teyavion! yeaaa she exists. slytherin for her, pureblooded as fuck my dudes. if any slytherin was associated with death eaters, itd be Teyavion. defo not a quiddith player. her unnamed (?) boyfriend is likely also a slytherin. anyone else? PAIYATL! MY MAN! he’s a teacher. probably not DADA, but he’s somewhere. he is definitely teaching at school. he wouldve been a gryffindor. Payima, his eldest, is... a ravenclaw, i think! and then idk about the other two... possibly gryffindors? yea. ooh, ooh, larnani! uh....... hmmmm. gryffindor, probably! :D

so uhh tl;dr Rien is a half-blood Hufflepuff who thinks they’re a muggleborn, Tamjol is a half-blood Ravenclaw whose ‘father’ is likely a prominent magical figure of Some kind (auror, maybe?), Yengchu is a part-Veela Gryffindor who is the captain of the Quidditch team later in school (probs chaser?), Koshi is a half-blood Hufflepuff, possible werewolf, and likely beater in the hufflepuff quiddith team, and Saval is a muggleborn Slytherin. Amali is a Hufflepuff and Dalen is a Slytherin (of unknown blood status, amali possibly being pure or at least of a well respected half house), Larusion is a half blood Ravenclaw with their dad being like, a minister or Something. probably not the minister, but he’s up there. he is definitely involved.