#its still better for you to go about life assuming the best about people until proven wrong than the other way around

[spitblaze]

Hey. You. C'mere. Come a little closer.

You, as a trans person, are not immune to bio- and gender essentialist patterns of thought. Break yourself of the habit. There's not a demographic on this earth that can be treated as a monolith, even if you've suffered trauma at the hands of people who belong to it. It'd be nice if we could put people in little boxes and treat them all one way unilaterally and avoid them forever, but we can't, because we live in a world where we're all interconnected. Separatism, as appealing as it may sound, is neigh on impossible. I am not asking you to forgive and ignore your trauma. I am only asking you to remember that we are all humans with similar capability for love and emotion and compassion, regardless of arbitrary social division passing itself off as science.

[azen13]

I’ve never been to a Starlight Pawnshop before…just look at all this stuff. Too bad I can’t buy everything in this store.

Wait a minute, who left this Chess Piece out by itself? No matter, I’ll gladly take it, even if I’ve never played a single game before in my life!

A Losing Game

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Chess Pawn: A finely-carved chess pawn. If life is a chessboard, then so too are people pawns in other's games. Based on this pawn’s pristine condition, whoever controlled it loved it quite dearly.

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CW: Yandere Themes, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Gaslighting

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Jing Yuan is an accomplished man. As the General of the Xianzhou Luofu, he has accumulated a list of titles and achievements that could fill a thousand archives: master of foresight; skilled with a glaive; voted “Most Attractive Bachelor” of the Xianzhou Luofu five years in a row. And, of course, his prowess at Starchess.

Yes, Jing Yuan is very, very good at Starchess. One of the best in the entirety of the Xianzhou Alliance, if not in the entire galaxy. While his knowledge of opening lines could be considered weak for his level of gameplay, after he gets settled, he excels at slowly cutting off his opponent’s options, until reaching the endgame. 

In Starchess, the endgame is extremely important. A poorly-played endgame can lead to a crushing defeat, while quick thinking and clever maneuvering of pieces can allow a pawn to be promoted to a queen, which can then help propel a player to victory.

While Jing Yuan is good at Starchess, he is almost undefeatable in the endgame.

Until today.

The ring was perfect and understated, a band of solid gold engraved with delicate patterns. He knew everything about you from years of dismantling every thread of your being apart, and knew you didn’t care for things that were too gaudy and outwardly luxurious. The night was perfectly planned: a picnic beneath the starlit sky, constellations framing your face like a crown. He had hidden the ring at the bottom of the basket, beneath a beautiful meal of the finest the Luofu had to offer. And you were going to be there, boundless in beauty and grace, sharp as a sword and sweet as sugar.

Tonight, though, Jing Yuan tastes the sea on his lips.

How long has it been since he has cried? Centuries, he thinks, standing in the foyer of his home, the front door slightly ajar. A biting wind snaps its jaws at Jing Yuan through the opening, but he cannot feel it. He can hardly feel anything. 

The numbness spreads from his heart outwards as he moves, first forwards to shut the door. A brief glance outside, and he can still imagine you standing there. In better circumstances, you and him would have gone to Fyxestroll Gardens, and enjoyed a quiet night. He would have proposed. You would have accepted. Everything would be right in the world. But when Jing Yuan opened the door, what greeted him was the greatest misfortune he had ever faced.

You stood outside, jagged shadows stretching like scars across your face, your posture guarded, your face unreadable. At first, Jing Yuan assumed you just had a terrible day, perhaps because of your job, perhaps because of something else. But then you began to speak, poison spilling from your lips, killing both you and him. He knows this is a grave mistake, but you have already drowned in these lies.

As you walk away from him, Jing Yuan makes a vow to himself: he will not let you leave. No, not like this.

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Without you by his side, safe and secure in his loving embrace, the General’s night is restless; as he tosses and turns, he replays the memories of hurt again and again in his mind, trying to wrap his head around your reasoning so he can dismantle it when he has you again. He may have unknowingly made a blunder, but he will still win this game, the most important game of his life.

Maybe a stop by the Alchemy Commission–your workplace–is necessary, no? Last time he heard, investigators are still clearing out spies from the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus hiding amongst its members. 

Jing Yuan takes a moment to check his schedule, a relaxed smile falling on his face. He still has several hours before his first meeting of the day. Enough time to bring you back home, where you belong. A brief flash of uncertainty courses through his body, like a chess player second-guessing their plan, before he steadies himself. This is for your benefit, he tells himself. With all the dangers on the Luofu, someone like you cannot simply remain unprotected. 

With a calm and patient gait, the General of the Luofu makes his way to the Alchemy Commission.

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He scrutinizes the cramped halls of the building you work in carefully, noting a pawn here, a bishop there. All people, yet all pieces in the game of love, and the inevitable, complete conquering of your heart. Perhaps they are playing their own games, but they do not matter. In this game, they are Jing Yuan’s pieces to move. Before today, they may have been your pieces. But while the game of life and the game of chess share many similarities, they are not one in the same. Life’s board flips and moves, expands and shrinks. Pieces change allegiances, or disappear and reappear entirely.

The board is not on your side today. You don’t even notice Jing Yuan watching you from the hall, preparing your doom. Within moments, he strides in the room, his lazy gait and relaxed expression taking control over the room and its occupants–including you–in mere seconds. Shocked faces spread like lightning, from healer to healer, before striking yours. You stand in complete terror, as Jing Yuan claims you with a simple glance, before speaking in an authoritative tone, booming like thunder.

“Mx. L/N, you are hereby arrested.” Eyes that once melted with fondness when simply seeing your face now bore into you with frigid disgust.

You can’t help but flinch from the words, mouth agape and mind blank. After a moment, you manage to collect yourself, disregarding the stares of those around you. “Excuse me? What for?” You demand. 

Jing Yuan tilts his head, looking down at you. “Sedition against the Xianzhou Luofu through serving the Plagues Author and the Disciples of Sanctus Medicus,” he cites, taking a stride forward, arms snapping to lock your limbs behind your back like shackles. “You will be taken to the Seat of Divine Foresight and given a proper sentencing for your crimes.”

Try as you may, your shouts and screams of vehement denial do you no good as Jing Yuan walks you out. Streets pass you by like snapshots of a past life. You can see the tea shop where you and Jing Yuan went on your first date. His favorite restaurant to order takeout from. The balcony overlooking the Ambrosial Arbor where he first kissed you. Thousands upon thousands of moves, each and every one thought out to perfection. Countless gambits taken, small victories celebrated, and little defeats mourned. You had nearly defeated him. Or so you thought.

Eventually, you make it to the Seat of Divine Foresight, Jing Yuan’s arms still vice like in their hold, yet not tight enough to hurt. You try to follow the turns the General takes–a right, a left, another left, up a flight of stairs, right again–but your focus wanes.

You are not guilty of any crime.

At least, so you think. Because you committed a grave offense: breaking the weak, feeble heart of your lover.

A lifelong sentence is only fair, no?

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“My dearest, why must you struggle?” Jing Yuan murmurs as he pulls you into a small room with only a table and two chairs. Pulling you away from the door, the General gently places you on the ground, and remains by the exit, cutting off any chance of escape you may have.

“Why must you falsely accuse me?” You retort, voice flickering with fire and burning bright, even amongst all the encroaching darkness.

Jing Yuan’s soft smile slowly dissipates into a frown, the shine in his eyes dimming away into nothingness. “Y/N, I have been nothing but patient with you. I have explained why I must protect you. You understood then. Why can’t you understand now?” Slowly, like he’s trying to comfort a skittish animal, Jing Yuan inches towards you, arms outstretched inviting you into his embrace. 

“Because you’re a psycho!” You hiss, stepping backwards. Despite your insult, the General does not anger. Instead, disappointment flashes across his face. He takes another step forward, effectively cornering you.

With a quiet, hushed tone that echoes in the room like a hollow breeze, Jing Yuan’s arms find their way around your torso, pulling you tightly against him. Regardless of how much you struggle, you cannot escape Jing Yuan. “You don’t think that, love. You’re afraid. That’s okay. That’s why I’m here. To care for you. To protect you. To love you. Don’t you want that?” He asks quietly, letting you wear yourself out until you melt in his hands like putty, exhausted in every sense. A few moments of utter silence pass, before he speaks up again. “Why don’t we go home now? I have a surprise waiting for you.”

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The moment you return home, Jing Yuan locks the door. To protect you from yourself, he says. Though that’s a condensed version of his actual words, which are far more persuasive, spinning you around in a whirlwind of logic and reasoning you can’t seem to keep up with.

Only a second later, the General is down on one knee, a ring in hand and a glint of fire in his eyes. For a moment, you think the look is a soft, gentle thing. But then you see it for what it is: a love so warped it cannot simply be called love anymore.

As much as you want to reject his proposal, to slap him across the face and attempt to spark another uprising against his smothering love, you know it would do you no good. He would only force the ring on your finger and crown you his spouse, whether you liked it or not.

Checkmate.

[grapejuicestyless]

Linger Like A Tattoo Kiss

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: After running away from a long term relationship to chase after a summer fling, JJ is left with the pieces of what once was. He can try to get it back, but at the end of the day JJ always fucks up.(Inspired by the folklore love triangle and Normal People.)

“I really hated you for a while.”

Crickets fill the void of silence, a puff of smoke dancing from the old pot beside her, a cigarette squished out in her wilting daffodils. Her hands fist at the hems of her sweater, pulling it impossibly closer to her body, stretching out the stitching and crossing her arms to keep it in place.

“I saw a girl walk by hand in hand with this boy. He had lipstick all over his face, and I felt bad for the girl, I really did, and I had no reason to. They seemed happy enough to have each other, no wandering eyes or anything like that. I guess they just reminded me of us y’know? With the kissing and all that. Figured if we were once like that, who’s to say he won’t go and hurt her too? It’s a real cruel thing to assume, I suppose. To think love is damned just because it was for us.”

“Don’t say that.” She says it so casually that I almost miss the tears in her eyes she blinks at rapidly.

“Well we were.” She laughs bitterly.

“You always did have a wandering eye. Thought it was just people watching because I thought I knew you. It’s probably for the best that I don’t, you and your reckless thinking but you know, strangers don’t kiss like that. Almost makes me feel bad for you that in our entire life together I knew nothing about you, but then I remember what you did and I feel better for it.”

She looks up from her feet which have been crossed underneath her this whole time, shoulders pressed against the old doorframe of her even older house.

“So why are you here, JJ?” She finally asks, cardigan falling from under her arms and her fists pulling down her jean pockets.

“Why’d you answer?”

Nodding slowly, she thinks about it, smiling to herself before scooting over the threshold and swinging the door by its rusting handle.

My hand spreads flat against the chipped yellow paint, an old mark left behind from where the mail box used to be before people stopped sending letters and the metal rusted right off of the wood.

“P-please! Please, Y/n/n.”

Looking at her watching me, I see that she doesn’t hate me like she said she did, not anymore. But she doesn’t love me and I can see that too. It’s like I’m nonexistent to her, neither good nor bad.

“I know I hurt you, believe me I do. I just need you to hear me now so I can explain myself.”

“I’ll never love you again, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t expect you to. I just hope you’ll hear me and understand that I still do.” The screen door that separated the wooden one and the humid outdoors shook the whole frame of the house when it slammed shut again, her bare feet padding across the splintering wood to lead me away from her front steps.

“I haven’t seen you in months, JJ. You had all summer to make me see you and you wait until August is over? Did you enjoy spending July a bachelor too much or did you forget about me when you were six shots deep at the boneyard?” She tries to spin her anger like it’s a joke, but when she turns her head I can still see the twitching of her bottom lip. She pulls the soft flesh between her teeth to keep it still.

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” She laughs.

“You were right.” I smile back at her, but it’s strained.

“Would it be wrong of me to blame it on my father?” I ask only half serious, hands stuffed in my front pockets and feet dragging in the dirt next to hers.

“I don’t think it would be wrong. Manipulative, maybe, but not wrong.”

“Well it’s true.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes away from me.

“You don’t believe me?” I ask, eyebrows furrowed.

“I think it can be half true. Maybe, if what you claim is the reason, your father did influence you to do what you did, but he did not make you do it. You did.”

Looking at her, though she sounded like she was smiling, I find that she was not. She even looked distant, detached from the conversation and uninterested at best.

“I don’t need to tell you how he gets, but I owe it to you to explain it to you now.” She stops just short of the old hammock strung from a big oak tree and a weaker dead one. It reminds me of the one back at the chateau, only more well loved and faded than John B’s.

“You don’t owe me shit.” She acts tough but she doesn’t move either and it tells me that she really does want to listen. At least part of her, anyway.

“Usually I don’t believe the shit he says. He’s a bitter drunk, he won’t even remember what he was thinking in an hour. But when he brought up your name, I don’t know, I couldn’t not buy it a little bit.” I scratch my arm and she says nothing.

“I mean, what would he know about young love? Abusive fuck with an absent wife, no love in his bitter old heart for his only blood but damn it beats when he’s beating on me. Guess I saw myself in him, to be honest. I’m always angry, and I’ve gotten better at hiding it but I’m furious just the same. I’m afraid I’ll inherit more than his temper, I’m already halfway to being knee deep in my own shit.”

She rolls her lips between her teeth, breathing out calmly.

“I don’t feel bad for you, JJ. I wish I did, I really do, but I just can’t. You’re a nice boy, you have decent morals and a good group of friends. It’s evident in you, no matter where you get it from. You are a bad person, I won’t lie to you and tell you, you aren’t because you are. Maybe I do feel bad for you then, but not because of what you’ve done but because you’re just now realizing it.”

“Y/n/n.”

“Look, you told me to listen and I have. You told me your half but I don’t owe you any of mine. You broke it, you don’t get the privilege of fixing it.”

When she turns on her heals I can see the dirt caked onto the bottom of her feet and I can feel it too. The same feeling of running wild when you’re still so young and naive to the real world and all its issues. I can feel the dirt between my own toes even if it’s not there.

“I won’t stop trying, you know.” I call out flatly.

“I already told you, I’ll never love you again JJ. I meant it.” She sighs heavily, spinning to walk backwards.

“I don’t need you to love me, I just need you to like me again. And I won’t stop it until we laugh like we used to.”

She doesn’t talk, but I catch her smile. It looks like shes not with the way her face scrunches in the fading sunlight but her lips are too upturned for her to not be.

“You came back.”

“I told you I would.” I smile with half my teeth, a toothpick dangling from my bottom lip and a new cut caked in dried blood evening it out on the top half.

“You were never one to keep your promises.” She talks from the windowsill by the kitchen. I can see her knees just under her chest and her socks scrunched up. She’s got her bottom on the counter and some baby carrots between her fingers drenched in ranch. Crunching away at them and double dipping.

“Maybe all this heartbreak has you losing your mind. I never broke any promises, I can promise you that Y/n/n.”

“You promised to always love me.” My confidence falters, she’s got a winning smirk and her knees beneath her now. Her elbows sit on the wooden frame and her head leans over the window to talk to me more clearly.

“Who said I stopped?”

I had her, I could see it in her eyes that I had her.

Y/n was never the strongest willed person I knew, but she had dignity and lots of loyalty that made her tough to crack. Even then, years of friendship built as a foundation for a long term relationship and a steady heartbeat in her chest made it hard to stop contact all together, even if she knew it was for the best. Which is why I knew I could crack her eventually, just not this quickly.

“Well,” she sighs, throwing her legs off of the counter to rinse her dishes in the sink. Her shorts are wet on the hems from the pooling water she sat on and her shirt is faded from the sun and the quick dry cycle on her dryer, “I guess I’m the one who couldn’t keep that promise then.”

“You don’t love me?”

“J,” she breathes heavy through her nose, “I loved you for so long, even before you knew. God, I think if you weren’t so blind you could have seen it too. You might as well have hung the stars and the moon for me. I loved so hard for so long. What we had, JJ, what we have done. We’ve done so much good for one another.” She sighs, hopping back up into her previous spot and leaning in just a little closer so she can rest her head on the windows frame. Her leg dangles outside of the house and her arms wrap around the knee of the other tightly. She looks smaller like this and I can see the darkness in her eyes clearer now.

“What if I never move on?”

The question lingers in the air like the cigarette smoke that danced in the sky last night.

“I can’t make you feel something you don’t. I guess that’s the scary part. I can keep reminding you of what you did and you’ll never quit, will you?”

I shake my head.

“You know I love you.” My elbows rest against the wooden plank underneath the bend of her knee. If I lean too close my thumb would brush against her skin and she’d surely run.

“And I know it’s hypocritical for me to say when all is done is done, but there is no girl, no person that will ever make me feel the same way as I do for you.”

It falls silent between us and I can see now that her sad smile has turned into a frown, like some guilt has started to eat at her when she has nothing to feel sorry for.

“I’ll stay.” I hum softly, a quiet promise just between us, “And I’ll never leave again. You don’t have to love me like you once did, but I do think you make me a better person.”

“And if I go?” She mumbles back, eyebrows relaxing into her sunken face and slouched posture. She looks tired, a whirlwind of a spring leading into the fall taking all her old charm from her aching bones.

“Then I’ll follow you. Wherever you go, I’ll be there and we’ll be okay.”

She looks at me unsure, unbelieving and she’s smart for it. There’s not a thing I’ve proven to her that shows her I’m reliable, not a bone in my body has the ability to be that for her all the time. But I’d like to be if she’d let me again. And I would fuck it up this time.

“It’s over now, anyway. I guess it’s a stupid question to have asked when there no point to it. Guess I just wanted to know the answer. Make me feel better.”

That was the thing about Y/n, she always spoke her mind full and true no matter what. She doesn’t need to tell me why she’s said something but she always does. Even if she hasn’t done anything like she’s done now. When we were dating I thought it was because she could never stop talking, but looking back on it I guess she was never really loud. Only at parties and when she was scared. She rambles when she’s nervous I’ve realized, and I think it’s funny because it also means she can’t lie because either way the truth will come out.

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t be.”

Silence fills the space between us again, her body fidgeting at how close we’ve gotten, breaking her unwritten rule of keeping me at an arms length.

I can see her fingertips searching for her old lighter and her pack of cigarettes. She was never really a smoker, only doing what everyone else had done but I assumed she had picked up the habit while I was away. It made me sad in a sense, not because they were being used, but because she had always been that girl in middle school who would keep them away from all of us. Weed? Sure! But she was smarter than me and most of the other kids who were broke and just wanted some relief, so I guess my heart just hurts seeing how she doesn’t really care anymore.

“Do you want one?” I shake my head no.

“Since when do you smoke?”

“Since when do you care?” The paper is between her lips, balancing on the sticky pink lipgloss she’s coated on her lips.

I shrug, looking at her manicured hands, delicate and smooth cupping around the end where the flame lights just below the end of the cigarette to keep the wind from blowing it out.

“Just didn’t read you as someone who would.” She laughs.

“Yeah, I was kind of stuck up when we were younger, huh?”

“I don’t think thats the right word.” She looks at me, taking the stick away from her mouth and tipping her head back to blow the smoke out.

“What word would you use then?” She smiles down at her hand, rubbing her wrists down her legs and her cheek against her knees.

“Careful, probably.”

She sticks out her tongue, groaning and sitting back against the window frame.

“Might as well call me boring then, right? Can see why you would want to run away with someone so much more…exciting.” She rolls her eyes playfully, lifting the cigarette back to her lips.

“How many more times are you going to say it?” My fingers wrap around the stick, lifting it to my own lips and covering the mark her own had made before putting it out against the back of my hand.

“Me saying it less won’t make it any less true.”

Maybe a smart ass would be the right word to call her. Heartbreak be damned, she was always quick on her tongue only now she had motivation to shoot for the kill.

“Have a nice night, JJ.” Her legs swing over to the cool counter tops where she scoots herself down and back onto the floor. I can see she’s wearing a baby blue bra when she bends over to shut the window, not that I was looking, and she smiles unenthusiastically until she’s turned the corner out of my sight.

“You’d think after a month of this you’d be bored.” She laughs, mittens covering her fingers and a soft cardigan over her heavy sweatshirt. Her nose is numbing from the cold and the grass is crunching underneath the winter frost.

“I could never be bored of you, Y/n/n.”

She opens her mouth to speak, but bites her tongue with a gentle smile. Her cheeks glow and her eyes avoid looking into mine. The plants by her feet are long gone, only weeds that have frozen left behind among the cigarette stubs from all of our small talk by her windows and on her porch. Even with the constant sweeping, we’ve both picked up on the habit and we burn through them each meeting.

“Well, I’m not so sure about that.” She laughs more to herself than to me, hands crossed under her arms and shoulder pressed against the door.

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I suppose I’m just not all that interesting of a person. Not much about me that makes me special.”

Theres a bitter windchill that weaves its way between us and a relentless shiver that travels up my spine and down to my fingertips.

“Well I think you’re plenty interesting.” I smile proudly, almost foolishly at her and wait for her reaction.

She only hums with a puff through her nose and nods, and when her eyes flicker back up to mine they seem a little bit more focused in on me than before.

“I think you’re very pretty too, by the way.”

She laughs again, holding her index under her nose and crinkling her eyes.

“Don’t.” She braces herself further into the doorway and lulls her head back for a moment before coming back.

“Well it’s true!”

“I would hope so, I mean we were together for, how long?”

I fake offense that she doesn’t have the days counted down like I do. Years to months to days to hours to seconds, I have it all calculated in my head.

“You’re relentless, do you know that JJ?”

“I’ve been told a few times, yes.” It’s my turn to laugh, shifting from the heals of my feet to the balls of my toes. I shove my hands deep into my pockets and pray she doesn’t see the blue of my lips and send me home.

It goes quiet for a brief moment, our breathing pausing in our throats and the cold air releasing foggy puffs through the parts of our lips. It doesn’t get as cold as it would up in New England here, but the frost still nips away at the thin skin I’ve grown and bites at the tips of my fingers and the bottoms of my toes.

“How’s Pope doing?” Her breathing has gone heavy again.

I know she’s specifically asked for Pope because he’s the only one who truly saw my faults. John B and Sarah far too woven into their own web of unfaithfulness and Kiara too unbothered to care. Pope was always the most sensible out of us, so when I came home after nearly half a decade unfazed and claiming to have ended things without solid grounds to stand on, he let me have it. In his dad’s truck, specifically.

Driving downtown to the rich side of the island with bags of groceries slung over each shoulder and the bumps in the road shaking the plastic outrageously loud. I told him first, and part of me knew he would see my mistakes and call them out, but I hadn’t and I didn’t want to. I’d never seen him so mad, threatening to pull over if I didn’t make things right.

You can’t force a person to love someone forever, and you can’t force a person to change their behavior if they can’t see it’s broken. Pope couldn’t have done anything to make me go back. If I had, I would have faced her teary eyes and sad smile telling me that she was alright as long as I was well. She believed me when I said we were better for it, and sometimes I wished that I had picked a girl who could fight.

“He’s well. His dad too, actually. Started making deliveries to the far side of the island to make more money. By this time next year hopefully he’ll be on his way to college.”

“Well, he always was the smart one.”

She smiles underneath her mitten clad hand, looking at her feet.

“We all got lucky, you know? Having someone like him around. It’ll be weird without him around so often anymore.” My thumbs press harder into the bottoms of my pockets to savor the warmth radiating from my thighs.

“I like Pope, he always was my favorite.”

I nod, smiling into the silence again.

“Is he still your best friend, then?” She asks plainly, not really looking for much of an answer.

“No.”

She cocks her head, leaning all of her weight into the wooden door frame.

“Why’s that then? Has John B finally made you lose your mind?”

She never really did like John B. He was loyal and she respected him for it, but he was just like me. He was good but he wasn’t a good person.

“No.” I answer again, trying to hide my growing smile, “You are.”

“That’s funny.”

“It wasn’t a joke.”

She laughs through her nose.

“Yeah well, we barely talk so, I don’t think I can be your best friend.”

“Well you are.”

“Well then thats sad.” She looks at me sympathetically, sticking out her bottom lip in a pout.

“I don’t get to do this with anyone else.”

“Do what?”

“This.” I motion with my hands. “Just sit and talk, even if it’s only for a moment. I guess I just feel better around you, I can’t explain it.”

She’s nodding her head thoughtfully at my words, pulling her mittens off and holding them in one hand carefully.

“JJ.”

I hum, looking up from where I’ve began to stare a hole into my boots.

“You should come in.”

“Okay.”

It’s been too long since I’ve smelled the warmth of the inside of her home. Soft vanilla mixed with the citrus and salt that can only be found in places surrounded by ocean. Yet, I can’t find this smell in any other place. Her perfume lingers beneath the surface of the smell but I can’t quite recall the name of it anymore. It drives me crazy when everything smells like her and I go mad wondering why I would have chased after another girl when I already had her.

“Sorry for the mess.” Her house is small, maybe just a bit smaller than mine but it’s nicer than mine.

She kicks a blanket that has fallen off of the arm of her plush couch into the corner, and I pick it up.

“No, it’s perfect.”

She laughs, opening the door to her room and situating herself underneath her worn in white bed sheets. I hesitate, unsure if she’s welcoming me in with her, though I wouldn’t mind just laying on the floor. She has this soft carpet by the side of her bed that would be comfortable enough for a short time. But to my surprise she does open the bedsheets, scooting over and letting me sit underneath the thick layers.

“I still don’t forgive you, by the way.” She mumbles as I climb in beside her, crossing her arms to prove something.

“I don’t expect you to.” I smile at her, and I catch her vaguely smiling back.

Sitting waist pressed to waist, the heavy comforter weighed down by her stack of blankets piled on top shifts into a tent as she crosses her legs. She pulls it up to her chest so she can hold it under her arms and I wonder how she’s not hot even in the winter chill. I can feel my own sweat sticking to my skin underneath my clothes. Her lighter flickers beside me, a ball of smoke tumbling past her lips before she passes it to me. She lights another for herself.

I laugh at a thought I have, but it comes out stiffed with the paper caught in my mouth.

“I bet you’d pretend not to know me if we bumped into each other.”

The smoke from the blunt I dangled between my fingers disperses into the air leaving a faint smell of weed behind in its wake. I can feel it on my teeth too when I smile.

She doesn’t say anything, staring at me with a gentle smile and serious eyes. Her watchful expression makes me realize how depressing my words were and how true they could be. I swallow, looking down at where the blankets have pooled in my lap.

“Sorry.”

“I would never pretend to not know you, JJ.” She looks at me honest.

“I don’t deserve that.” I confess to no one in particular. I just say it out loud as it comes to my mind and let the reality behind it sink in like a knife to the heart.

“You did bad things.” She swallows, “But you still stuck around after. You promised to make it right and you are. I guess what you’ve done doesn’t seem so bad to me now, even if it is, is what I’m trying to say. Compared to most people, you were actually pretty nice to me.” She smiles sadly and all I want to do is to wrap her in my arms and press soft kisses along the top of her head, but it’s no longer my place to do that and I’ve made it so.

“I wish it were different.”

“How?” She looks at me pitifully, water collecting on her lower lashes. I’m not sure where she’s put the burning paper, if it died between her manicured fingers or if she rubbed it out on one of the books beside her bed, but it’s no longer in her hands when her arms fall heavy against her duvet in defeat.

“I wish we never dated, at least not so soon.” It’s my turn to swallow now. “We would have been better for it. If we had grown up a little first.”

She shakes her head, looking back down at her covered lap.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“I think we’d grow, but not by much. Growth doesn’t fully change a person and by facing adulthood I don’t think it would have made us end any differently. At the end of the day I’ll still turn to my cigarettes and you’ll still be drunk in the boneyard talking to some pretty tourist.”

“Well I like to think so.”

“And I think you’re naive for it.”

By now the smoke has dwindled down to fog around the room and the old blunt has died out between my index and my thumb.

“I would have done it differently.”

She hums, tell me more, it says.

“I would have bought you flowers. Not only on the special days but just because I love you. Wouldn’t need a reason to show it to you and I wouldn’t be stupid enough to run away from you either.”

I could list everything I could have done better for her endlessly but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s been done.

“We’re still so young, it’s hard to know where things start to go wrong.” She tries to reason, and our eyes avoid the others wearily.

Neither of us talk, listening to the whistling wind banging on the large windows and feeling the faint chill seeping through the walls.

“I don’t drink anymore.” She looks at me.

“Good for you.”

“I do stupid things when I get drunk, I get sloppy I suppose. Talk to people I shouldn’t, hate the wrong people and make everyone feel bad. I don’t really like that feeling. I don’t like being a bad person.” I confess, looking at her and remembering how she’s confirmed my deepest fears without knowing.

“You can be intense but eventually you mellow out and you’re okay again.” She shrugs.

“I know, and I know everybody knows I don’t mean it but if I can prevent it I will.”

She nods again, eyebrows furrowing and her teeth catching her bottom lip. She looks to me with a serious expression.

“What about you. Would you love me if you met me now?” She asks.

“I’ll always love you.”

“But if you didn’t know me, if you didn’t love me. If I was just some girl you’d seen on the beach or in town. Would you be able to love me then?”

“Eventually, yes.” I admit. “I like to think that in some fucked up way you were made for me.”

She smiles at that, picking at her nails shyly.

“Yeah?” She looks up at me with shy eyes.

“Yeah.”

The grass under my feet is soggy, but the warm sun beating down on our shoulders slowly dries it and the dripping leaves above us too. It wasn’t a long winter, but it never really is here. Spring had rolled around just a few months ago with endless showers and relentless sunshine following behind it. Pollen dances in the air in a heavy dusting and the bees have begun picking out the prettiest flowers and the early summer air hangs humid around us.

“You disappeared for a while.” Her hands fold underneath her elbows. She’s swapped out her heavy cardigans for graphic baby tees and faded jeans. Her hair is lighter now than it was in the winter, and she has more freckles on her face.

“It’s only been a few weeks.” She looks at me and I swear I can’t read her so I clear my throat.

“I picked up some shifts with Pope. Trying to save up some money so I can finally do something with myself I guess. You know, I was never really the smartest with my money.” She laughs.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be annoying. Just…missed you is all.” She smiles up at me with a look I haven’t seen in some time.

“You could never be annoying.”

“It’s funny because I was over here thinking that you probably hate me. It’s kind of pathetic because you weren’t really gone for long, but you’re really the only person who still talks to me.”

She leans back against the old wood of her house, her face finding shade underneath the small overhang of her porch.

“I never hated you. I could never hate you. I think you’re really awesome.” I confess and it makes me feel a rush when I say it.

Y/n swallows hard and I can see her smile falter when she looks back up.

“Well…I like you.”

“I like you too.”

She smiles at me and I can’t tell if it’s the birth of exclusivity or friendship blossoming between us.

“I wish I could read your mind.” She mumbles out, stepping closer.

“Why?”

“You’re confusing.”

“Well, I don’t think I am. Maybe you’re confusing yourself.”

“No, it’s definitely you.” She smiles.

“I saw Kiara last week, while you were away. I thought about asking about you but then I figured it might have been weird because it wasn’t really my business. But then I noticed she was wearing my old shirt. I knew it was mine because I used to leave it at your house when we would fall asleep before I could crawl out the window. I never took it back and she was wearing it.” She breathed through her nose, “I guess I was just confused why you kept it. I mean, we agreed that we were better for it, you were so convinced that if we saw other people we would be so much happier. You saw another girl all summer, so I guess it just confused me why you wouldn’t have tossed it.”

“Maybe I wanted an excuse to see you again.”

“See, you’re confusing.”

“I don’t get your point.”

She huffs, hanging her shoulders and rolling her eyes.

“Someone who falls in love with someone else doesn’t keep their ex girlfriend’s shirt, they don’t worry about the next time they’ll run into each other.”

“Maybe I was just being a good friend.” I shrug, smiling as I stuff my hands into my pockets.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what!” I throw my arms up playfully and I can see how hard she’s fighting against a smile.

“Well were you? Being a good friend, that is?”

I shrug.

“Maybe, I’m not sure. I mean, I guess I never really thought about throwing it out because I was so used to you being there. You never said you wanted it back so, I never asked you. It’s funny too because when Kiara found it, she told me the same thing. She said it was stupid of me to keep something that wasn’t mine and took it. But I guess she didn’t have the heart to give it back to you either.” I find myself rambling.

“What if I wanted it back now?”

“Well do you?”

She shakes her head and all of our words seem to die on our tongues.

“She never stayed the night, by the way.”

“What?”

“The girl, the one I saw this summer.”

“Oh.” I see her cringing at the mere mention of the girl, Amanda, I think was her name but the whole summer was a drunken blur and the only times I ever saw her was after I was six shots deep and in need of a distraction.

After a five day bender and the hard reality of sobriety I came to my senses, she was nothing more than sex. Still, explaining that to Y/n wouldn’t have helped my case. It would have only made both of us feel bad. I left her for another girl who I didn’t even really like and nobody knew why.

“I don’t think it’s important, but I thought you’d want to know.”

“I’m not mad anymore, about her.”

“Well are you still hurt?” She looks at me through her lashes, index fingers picking at the skin around her thumbs.

“Sorry, stupid question.”

“It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.”

“But I still hurt you?”

“JJ.” She sighs, hands finding their way around her stomach.

“I still feel like kicking myself every time I think about it. You were always so good to me, you are. You let me into your house and you give me all these chances even after I fucked it all up. I don’t know why I did it, and I hate myself for it everyday.”

It goes silent for what feels like the millionth time today.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She looks at me carefully, fingers pulling at the fabric around her waist like it’s suffocating her.

“I don’t expect you to say anything.”

She nods, “Okay.”

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”

Theres a pause, and her eyes move back like she’s thinking really hard for her answer.

“I already have.”

Her words don’t give me the clarity I hoped they would. In fact, they make me feel worse. Even after I hurt her, left her alone for something not even half as good. I played two girls in the span of three months and I paid little to no consequences. She let me show her how sorry I was when she shouldn’t have and now all I can picture is her sorry face when I told her it was over for the first time.

“Do you think I’m naive for it?” She asks quietly.

“For forgiving me?”

“No.” She shakes her head. “For falling in love with you again.” I don’t know how to answer her when she consistently leaves me speechless.

“I don’t know.” I look her, hoping to find an answer. “How do you feel about it?”

“I don’t know, thats my issue. I can look back on something and think I know what I felt at the time but, I don’t know. When it’s actually happening, I guess I have no idea how I feel or how to think.”

“Then how do you know you love me?”

“I don’t know. I never have a clue. I guess I just feel different around you than most people. But it’s not as obvious as other people make it sound, it’s the little things.” She confesses.

“I can tell you how I feel, if that would help.”

“Okay.” She nods.

I take a second to gather what I have to say in an effort to avoid some sort of word vomit from spewing out, but it’s to no avail.

“I thought you were shy when I first met you. Normally for me, I wouldn’t stick around for long because even with talkative people I find myself annoying. I hate the sound of my voice after some time. I figured I’d grow tired of my own voice quickly with you.”

Y/n looks at me, trying to figure me out.

“But you’re really not all that shy, you’re just careful. You think before you speak and maybe that’s why you don’t do a lot of it. Because you know what and when to say things and what sounds bad before you say it. You never know how you feel, but you know what you think and I think thats twice as important. Our conversations were different because of that. I could talk for hours and because I was talking to you I never focused on the sound of my voice or how tired I was of hearing it, I only thought of you. I guess that’s the scary part of it all, falling in love, that is. You don’t know you’ve done it until you try to think of something else and you realize you haven’t even tried to think of anything else without everything leading back to that one person.”

“That’s kind of scary to think about.” She laughs half heartedly.

“Because it is. That’s the fucked up thing about it all, nobody tells you that falling in love is more of developing an obsession to another person. It’s wanting to be around them all the time and praying every second you’re away from them that they’ll come around again soon. It’s the inability to let go after you swore to yourself you were done and it’s why I keep coming back to you.”

Theres a pause. I don’t realize how red my face has gotten until I stop talking.

“I think we’re probably just sick.” She smiles with her teeth, pushing my shoulder back to walk past me. We’ve left her front lawn so many times before. I’ve chased her across her lawn and rolled with her in the weeds, but I’ve grown so used to the faint glowing of her front porch lights and the flickering of the fairy lights strung across the door that it always catches me off guard when she moves away from the doorway.

“I think you’re probably right.”

“Then maybe we shouldn’t be together, then. Maybe you were right. We were better for it.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s true.”

“How could you not? You said it so you must believe in it.”

Shes playing with me and she knows it. Even though Y/n claims she’s hurting less and less the more we open up, I can tell theres still a wound bleeding somewhere deep, someplace within her that likes to see me frantic.

“Maybe I did then, but I don’t now.”

“Why?”

“Well, then you were just my girlfriend.”

“And I’m your ex now, so I guess it’s probably worse.”

It’s my turn to laugh now.

“No. I think it’s different now because I’m not only in love with you, but I love you.” I feel like I’m seven again, running around the blacktop and chasing around Y/n and tugging her by her pigtails. I feel like I’ve just confessed my school crush to her and it’s thrilling but horrifying all at once.

“Do you love me enough to be honest with me?” She smiles wider.

“I love you enough to do just about anything for you.”

“Did you ever see me in her?”

Somehow every time it gets good I am reminded of my past. It’s my karma. I’ve hurt her so it only makes sense for her to want to know everything before I earn her heart again.

“All the time.”

For the first time in forever, she steps closer, her hands resting on my waist gently and her breathing shallow against my neck.

“How?” Our noses practically touch when I look down at her.

“She was quiet, careful. She was never as smart as you but if I was drunk enough I could have made up anything. You guys would have been best friends, I’m convinced, if it were a different lifetime. Same jokes, same hobbies. The only difference was her heart.”

I find my hands threading themselves between the stray hairs by her neck, and I can see how her eyes relax the closer I inch towards her.

“You were much softer than she was, and I realized then that I only really ever wanted her because she reminded me so much of you. And it’s weird because I already had you.”

For a second I think she’s going to kiss me, and for a second I know she thinks so too. But her hands slip away from mine and her head ducks beneath my hands to unthread them from her hair to get away. She’s clearing her throat and mumbling soft apologies as she makes her way back up to the porch.

I feel angry, and I know it’s not my right to. I had her and I lost her through my own actions. I have no one else to blame. Yet, I find myself feeling vulnerable in a way I’ve never felt it before. It makes me feel sick knowing how close we got to fixing things and how quickly it was stripped away. I feel useless, and I figure it must be how Y/n felt when I left her and told her it was for the best.

“So that’s it then? What, we just tell each other we love each other and we pretend it never happened?”

“JJ, please.”

I can tell shes tired, conflicted over her own actions, but I can’t wait any longer to figure it out.

“I know it’s my fault but I’m trying to fix it, fix us! I miss you, more than anything and I can’t talk to anyone like I talk to you. I don’t know what else to say, Y/n. I love you, I love you so much it drives me crazy and I fucking miss what we had.”

She doesn’t say anything.

“JJ, I told you when you first came around. You knew this. I won’t fight for us, I can’t do that again.”

“So then why do you let me stick around?”

“Someone ought to hold you to your words. If you’re going to stay, then stay but I won’t fight for you if you leave.”

“Well I wish you would.” I can feel myself growing angry. I wish I didn’t get that from my father, his temper. I wish I was more like Y/n, more level headed and calm. But I was born angry and I am because I remember the way I ended things and I remember how quickly she accepted it.

“You lost that privilege when you left me for her.”

“Don’t throw that at me, we both know you couldn’t even argue with me then!”

“How could I, JJ? You’d made up your mind, why should I stick around if you’ve gotten eyes for someone else?” Her throat is scratchy, she doesn’t even have to look at me for me to know she’s trying not to cry. I want to beg her not to, because I know I won’t be able to withstand her wet doe eyes, but I’ve done it to myself.

“You know that’s not what happened, I told you what happened!” I feel the way we’re both growing tired. We get good and we fall apart.

“If you want to talk, we can talk but I can’t give you what you want. I can’t fight for someone who’s not even mine.”

“So then you want to see other people?”

“I never said that.”

“Well you implied it.”

She doesn’t say anything, shoulders shaking over the old railings of her porch. Her breathing is heavy but she doesn’t speak.

“So I guess if you want to see other people, then we should see other people.”

“Do what you want JJ, but just don’t come back here.”

She doesn’t mean it, we both know she doesn’t. She told me months ago she would never love me again, and though she has grown to find room in her heart for me, she’ll never let me see her vulnerable again.

I can feel the dirt coating my socks as it kicks up behind me. I’m not walking fast, but it feels like it with how dizzy I’m getting. Her door shuts with a slam and I swear I can hear a faint cry echo through her kitchen. But I’ll never know because I was too careless to try and knock.

It’s a different girl every time, but they’re all the same. John B gave me shit for it last summer when it first ended. I claimed to be chasing something better but they were all just different versions of the same girl.

There was always something off, the hair, the smile, the laugh. But if I drank enough and squinted hard enough I could almost see Y/n again and it would help convince myself that I was fine with her absence.

I find the fog of the early summer bonfires to be suffocating now, even with the solo cup in my hand and consistent pats on my back from classmates and old friends. I’ve flirted with half the island by now, I’m sure of it, and I probably look a mess but the tourist in front of me doesn’t seem to mind.

She looks like my Y/n too, they both like the same music. I wonder if I’ll accidentally call her the wrong name later tonight.

I told Y/n I stopped drinking, but I never promised it to her. So I suppose that’s how I ended up back where I started, trying to drown out my own issues with a warm beverage and a random girl.

I haven’t really been listening to what she has to say, I can only wonder what Y/n would think about her and if she would approve. It makes me feel sick knowing how many people I hurt in the process of healing, and I wonder if you can even consider it healing at this point.

“JJ!” A soft voice breaks through a loud crowd, dashing through the center of a bonfire to find me hanging back along the outskirts.

The girl in front of me shoots both of us a dirty look and walks away without saying a word.

“Y/n?” My vision is blurry and I wonder if it’s really her or if I’ve drank far too much.

“You’re drunk.”

“What?” The cup in my hand finds its way into the hot sand and over the intense stench of alcohol I can smell the welcoming scent of her perfume.

“Do you take me as a joke?” Her eyes are watering, shaky fingers wrapped around my wrists. I can see the faint flickering of the bonfire illuminating the side of her face. She looks so pretty like this, so tired.

“What the fuck are you on about, Y/n?”

“I let you into my home, into my bed; my bed!” She restlessly pokes her finger into her chest, clammy hands gripping onto my skin harder than ever.

“Well I didn’t make you!”

“You didn’t make it easy either!” She shoots daggers in my direction, stray looks from passersby’s tell us to quiet down.

“Yeah whatever.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She all but begs.

“You could have any boyfriend you want, you know. Boy’s are consistently falling in love with you, from what I’ve heard.” I slur, my right foot falling in front of my left and still Y/n holds me in place.

“Stop that, stop it now JJ I don’t like it.” She pleads through her gritted teeth.

“Right.” I roll my eyes.

“You don’t hate me. You told me so when I asked you, you even told me you liked me so stop being mean.”

“Maybe I’m just immune to you.” I try and joke through foggy memories and a sloppy smile, “Because I knew you before, in school when you still wore pigtails.”

“Right, when I was ugly and pathetic? You obviously don’t know me now JJ if you’re acting this way.” I ignore her insults, I couldn’t even process them if I tried.

“No, you were never ugly or pathetic.”

She looked at me, confused, not sure where this fight is leading us and unsure if we’d ever bounce back from it. Even sober our conversation is unclear, weaving between different topics and creating sore spots that’ll surely kill us soon.

“I know I’d be a shit boyfriend if I were yours. I’d rather anyone else, even the guys on figure eight who spit on me when I walk by.”

“JJ, you’re drunk, let me take you home, we can figure it all out soon.” My hands rip themselves from her grip, stumbling back into the sand.

“Why do you care so much JJ? Let me take you home, we can talk in the morning.”

“Because I’m selfish and even though I know you’d be happier without me I can’t even stand the thought of you being happy with anyone else but me.” Looking at my feet, I feel the tears falling from my eyes onto my feet buried in the sand. “Y/n I need to know if you love me or not.”

Neither of us can speak, and it feels like everyone around us can’t seem to find the words to explain out situation either.

“JJ.” She pleads softly.

“I probably should have mentioned this before, but I was seeing someone.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.”

Y/n doesn’t say anything, she doesn’t even breathe, and the quiet is so loud that I can’t help the drunken rambling that leaves my mouth. “That girl, I can’t remember her name now, but the one I had last summer, I saw her up until the fall. I asked her out too. Should have mentioned that before but then again, I feel like you hardly ever let me in anymore so.” I shrug, and because of the way my eyes so heavily avoided her’s I almost missed the way she looked at me like I was poison.

“I called her by your name, that’s why she said no.”

The world seems to fall quiet around us, stray smoke from the nearby fire weaving between us and sticking in our hair and on our clothes.

“Why are you telling me this? Is it because you’re trying to be such a good friend, is that it, JJ?”

“No—yes, I don’t know, I just needed to tell you.”

Her sniffles are deafening, I feel sicker than before hearing her fighting her tears.

“Oh god, oh my god!” Her hands cover her face, pulling down until her hands clasp tightly over her quivering mouth.

“I’m sorry, I want to fix things, I thought if I told you, you would like me better!” I try to rationalize but she only shakes her head.

“I thought it would be different, you know? I really did believe you when you said we were better for it, having taken a break to grow and learn. But I’m just as naive as I was when I was yours and I’m just as stupid for taking you back!” She spits it like venom, still backing away.

“You said it yourself, I’m not a good person.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t believe you could be one.”

It’s quiet again between us, and her touch on my skin lingers like a tattooed kiss, her words replaying in my mind.

Y/n believed we could work it out, but she was smarter than I was and more careful too. She knew better than to chase after something that was never meant to work out.

“I do love you, I really do. What we had, what we have done. We’ve done so much good for one another.”

“No, no.” I try to follow her, but my feet fail me. I fan barely walk straight, let alone chase her.

“You know I love you, Y/n, you have to. I’m never going to feel the same way I feel for you for anybody else.”

She looks at me and it tells me everything I need to know.

I can promise her all my love and all my heart but it’ll never make us right, not ever again.

When she leaves, it’s quietly, the frame of her body losing its color in the darkness of the early summer night. It reminds me a lot of how this all started, and I feel sick.

I could stay as long as I wanted, but the truth was my devotion did not matter anymore, because she was always destined to go.

[i-mushi]

Fun Halsin/Tav Idea because I finally got Baldur's Gate 3 and it's totally subsumed me. Also, I just got to Act III, so please don't spoil anything:

- The dopplegangers at the circus are dead, the dryad has just tested Halsin and Tav’s love, and they passed. Her palms are still sweaty.

- Halsin goes off to negotiate with a kobold for potions with Wyll, and Gale is trying to sweet talk the necromancer into letting him read some of their books. So Tav goes to look at the statues over in the corner.

- A few things happen before she can fully control the situation: the offering to make a statue of herself or one of the “brave heroes” is made and there’s a discount. Tav heard 25 gold. The merchant said 2500.

- A statue definitely felt tacky to make of herself or one of her companions, but the merchant was being particularly pushy about it, and Halsin really had won this fight. In his bear form he alone took down the evil Dribbles the Clown and another doppelgänger before they could kill any of the onlookers, while Wyll and Tav were busy with the beasts and Gale was ushering people away.

- “I will make this for you!” The female fiend—beast? Demon? Tav had never seen its like—declared, and the image that popped into Tav’s head at the mention of a statue of Halsin was not a statue of him vanquishing enemies. More like him standing in that copse of trees a few nights ago, bare in the moonlight and staring at her nakedness with fiery longing.

- Tav blames that distraction on missing the sensation of the Detect Thoughts spell until it’s too late.

- She tries to explain a better option for the statue, with armor and birds (ducks ideally), and Halsin looking proud and wise and gentle. The artisan clearly didn’t listen to her.

- She tells no one in the camp of her absolutely abysmal merchant experience and suggests moving into the city as soon as possible. Tav imagines she can jsut stuff the statue into her bag and throw it into the river at the next possible change. Assuming it doesn't take months to make, which a proper hand-carved one would.

- It showed up later that evening:

- A life-sized, 6ft+ Halsin made of stone. Naked. Slightly erect. Not a duck or stitch of clothing in sight. Dead center of the camp.

- Yenna is the one that notices it and calmly asks why a stone Halsin is naked, as everyone is gathered around the fire. Withers can be heard chuckling like the sound of dry grass rubbing together behind them.

- When they all troop over to what she’s pointed at, Halsin is, for the first time they’ve ever seen him, genuinely at a loss for words. His cheeks darken, and Tav suddenly feels absolutely awful. She embarrassed her love in front of their whole group, and this is entirely her fault.

- “Well, someone really likes you, huh, Halsin?” Karachi jokes, and saunters off to finish her food. Shadowheart just shakes her head.

- “You may want to watch your back, Tav, as you have competition,” Jaheira jokes. No one makes an off color remark to Halsin about it or comments on his considerable size, though Tav suspects the expression on Gale’s face is slightly envious. Astarion snorts and says, “Cazador has a hundred like this. All better made too.”

- Halsin eventually manages a sound. “I—” he clears his throat when it’s just the two of them. “I cannot fathom how this—”

- “It’s my fault,” Tav blurts out, and then the whole story sounds so much worse as she quietly explains.

- “By the Oak Father, I have never seen someone so had by a merchant. I would joke the best of them would trick you into selling your very socks, but it seems this one did not care for… socks.” The statue looms over Tav the rest of the dinner.

- The sex that night is incredible though. Halsin makes a number of remarks about going back to the artisan to “correct” the half-erect cock, so he can put Tav on it while he fucks her other hole. Gale ends up casting a silencing spell on their tent so everyone else can get some sleep. Tav leaves the tent the next morning with a bow-legged stride to see Karlach inspecting the stone cock then commenting loudly that, “it sounds like the sculptor got it right!”

- They plan to leave the statue hidden under vines when they break camp that morning. Halsin casts the spell and everything. Except when they set up the next camp it appears.

- Karlach tries to move it. Not only is it stone, but it’s magical. It does not move.

- Lae’zel and Gale put together a rig to move it. Nothing. Halsin magnanimously offers to destroy it, but Call Lightning does nothing. Shatter does nothing. It is as impenetrable as stone. Vollo takes a chisel and hammer to it and might as well have been trying to chisel infernal steel.

- It becomes as much a part of their camp as the campfire itself. So much so that every time someone new joins up and awkwardly glances between it and Halsin, Halsin just shrugs. “It is not by my doing that it stands there,” is all he says.

- He never tells anyone Tav was the one who ordered it.

- Someone hangs a vine wreath off the cock. Tav suspects Dame Aylin. No one fesses up.

- Astarion, however, loves to tell everyone more and more outrageous stories about the statue. His favorite is that it is, in fact, a petrified version of Halsin, and the one they see here is a construct, or illusion, or a doppleganger. Or it’s a manifestation of the druid’s celibacy vow. Or, in fact, Halsin refuses to travel without the visual manifestation of his best features.

- Tav quietly saves up the money in a side pouch for the day they are all free from the tadpoles, and she can commission a nude statue of Astarion to haunt him.

[cepheustarot]

How do other people see you?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur or being ultimate truth. You build your own life and destiny and only you know yourself best.

Paid readings

Pick a pile. Choose one or more pictures. Trust your intuition.

Pile 1: People see you as a wise person with a lot of experience who can help solve a problem in any field. You are also considered empathic, you get deeply into the problem and offer exactly the solution that would suit him exactly, or say the words of support that he would definitely want to hear. I dare to assume that this pile was chosen by people who work as a psychologist or study for it, but you can just be interested in this topic. At the very least, you are involved in an area where you need to contact people a lot (for example, you are engaged in volunteering or you are working/studying to be a journalist and etc). And although you are quite an empathic person, at the same time you are seen as conflicted, but this is because you do not hide the truth and openly speak, you are honest and straightforward, and this sometimes hurts people. You are also seen as a critic, you may have high standards and therefore it is difficult to please you, many things you may not like. You are seen as a mysterious person and you attract people to yourself with such an aura, they want to get closer to you, but not everyone succeeds, because again you are attentive to the choice of friends, making a social circle!

Pile 2: People see you as a person to look up to and whose word is worth its weight in gold, you are authoritative for them and people rely on you in serious matters, as your advice really makes sense and helps in solving the issue. At the same time, you are considered an important person who is proud and confident, you know your worth and you have good self-esteem. You have practicality, rationality and good organizational skills. People believe that you are used to relying only on yourself and can cope with any life situation alone. At first glance, you may seem distant and taciturn to them, but this continues until you and your interlocutor get to know each other better. In fact, you always know what to talk about, and you prefer to talk about something deep, on topics that can be discussed for a long time, from a philosophical point of view. You are also considered a fair person who tries to look at reality objectively. You also have well-established views on life, you know exactly what you want, you know your values and principles.

Pile 3: People see you as an active person who does not sit still and is constantly on the move, is engaged in something, easy-going and easily agrees to the proposed gamble. You are presented as a flexible person, you easily adapt to new changes. You are also seen as a person who has enough resources and opportunities to start getting involved or doing something new. Moreover,  your any endeavors are accompanied by success and luck, you succeed in everything, no matter what you took. Financially, you will also not miss the benefits, you know how to earn a lot of money, you can be described as a magnet for money. However, you get very upset when something does not go according to your plan or something did not happen as you expected. Perhaps you are also impatient because of your nature, it is difficult for you to wait for a long time, you do not fixate on one place and often changes something, be it your style of clothing, your social circle, hobbies and etc.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback 🖤

[bluekittyworld]

There is Karma.

Hello sweet people, this is my first time writing something, I hope you guys like it and all feedback will be appreciated.

Please don't post my work on other sites/platforms or copy it, or translate it, thank you.

Approx. 11,000 words in total and 5 chapters

Warnings: Lot's of angst, mention of suicide, smut, 18+

Main Masterlist

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Happy Ending

Sad Ending

There is karma. It comes back, don’t use your heart in a bad way.

You were part of the popular girls at school, a rich spoiled brat as one may put it. Grade As and Bs were natural to you, you wondered sometimes if you had put in the effort, you could have scored better than all the nerds in your class, but who needed that, you were busy being the popular and pretty rich ‘it’ girl, belittling the quiet and less popular ones. There was one boy in particular, his name was Yunki or Yoonji, something like that. He wore thick framed glasses; his skin was ghostly pale, and he had contrasting pitch black hair in bowl cut. You found him an easy target as he never spoke back, no matter how many times you tripped him over, shoved him around, broke his ugly glasses, he never said anything back.

Why did you hate him so much? He didn’t care about anyone, and you hated it so much, why didn’t he try to fit in? He dressed so poorly, everyone just assumed that he was in this school on a scholarship, there was no way he could afford the fees by the way he dressed. On the other hand, you had to become mean to fit in, every day you woke up hours earlier to complete your work, prepare your hair and makeup, you had to stay relevant, have everyone’s attention, keep the ‘it girl’ title, life was so hard. So, every time you saw the careless Yoongi living his simple easy life, it boiled your blood and what ticked you off even more is that he never retaliated, come to think of it you had never heard his voice, was he mute?

This carried on for 5 years until the day of your graduation, just before graduation, you and your friends mocked this boy wearing his skinny ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and a plaid shirt. At the time your high-school boyfriend joined in too, you decided to give him a matching ripped shirt, pulling out your scissors you made a few cuts in his shirt and his bag, your friends laughed and recorded the scene. Your best friend took a few of his books, and teared them up, nobody noticed how Yoongi was having a panic attack and was on the verge of tears. Your boyfriend took the scissors and started cutting the poor boy’s hair, you did think it was pushing it too far, but nobody else seemed to care, why should you care right? Your boyfriend’s mates started kicking and punching Yoongi, he was now covered in blood and bruises, his eyes piecing into your soul, while he was being beaten up, his eyes were still fixated on you. You noticed this and felt a little bit of guilt, you pulled your boyfriend and asked to go to your favourite Korean BBQ. All your friends and his friends discarded Yoongi, leaving him in the middle of the school grounds, you didn’t even bother to look back if he was still breathing or not, nobody did.

On graduation day, Yoongi didn’t turn up, not like you really cared, you just wondered if he was okay, maybe you did go a little too far the other day. Also, it would have been a great opportunity to see his parents and assess his wealth today. Soon your friends and boyfriend came over to you, and that was the last time you thought of Yoongi.

Years had passed since graduation. You were well set into your father’s business, ready to take senior management positions, being born into an affluent family had its perks, your whole life was served on a silver platter, not a single day of difficulty. Life was monotonic and predictable you began to feel a growing sense of emptiness. Despite the success you achieved in your career and social life, there was an underlying dissatisfaction, a void you couldn't fill. A friend of yours suggested maybe participating in charity events may give you a sense of fulfilment, so you decided to join the next available event.

At this event, everyone was put into groups of 4, and the tasks varied, you were in a team with two boys and another girl. The aim was to visit the elderly and help them out with their chores for today. The drive to the house was quite quick, you didn’t really get to talk to your teammates, the only thing you knew were their names, Sora, Yeonjun and Yoongi. Yoongi rang a bell, but you couldn’t really remember if you ever knew a person with that name, maybe it was just a name of one of the many people you see every day at work, you brushed it off. 

Upon arriving at the house, you saw it was occupied by an old lady, the roofing had some issues and the wallpaper had been peeling off in various places. Yoongi took lead of the team, he suggested “Yeonjun and I will take the duty of fixing the ceiling, while you girls can start by removing the wallpaper.”

His voice was like a gentle breeze on a calm summer day, carrying warmth and serenity, you hadn’t heard such a caring voice in a very long time, even your own mother didn’t sound so affectionate.

You just nodded, while Sora nudged you, maybe you were looking at Yoongi for too long, he was looking back at you with his piercing dark eyes.

“The wallpaper removing machine is in the back of the car, let’s go get it” Sora mentioned.

You nodded and followed her along. Removing the wallpaper wasn’t hard at all, you and Sora had bonded quite well, it was interesting to find out about her, you learnt she ran a café nearby and had a fiancé, her parents currently live in Japan, and she has a poodle dog named Bobbi. You loved this kind of interaction; it was like a breath of fresh air being away from your routine life and interacting with people who didn’t have money on their minds 24/7. You glanced over to Yoongi’s direction now and then… there was a certain attraction you developed towards him, but you turned away each time in disappointment, him and Yeonjun were really focused on getting the ceiling fixed and didn’t really have time for other things. You really wanted to talk to Yoongi more and find out about him, maybe you wouldn’t get another chance and that really bothered you.

You and Sora were done removing the wallpaper, and the ceiling was still being plastered. You suggested to Sora “We should paint this room before the old lady comes back, it shouldn’t take too long, what do you think?”

“Perfect” Sora chimed “Let’s go to the nearby DIY store and pick out a colour.”

Sora got up and walked over to Yeonjun, by the looks of it you assumed they knew each other well, maybe they volunteered together previously, she asked “Yeonjun, my dear cousin, can you drive us in your car to the DIY store?”

Oh, now it makes sense, they were cousins, you smiled at learning the fact, you somewhat wished you were close to your family members.

At the DIY store you and Sora decided on a dusty pink colour, it would contrast well with the plants the lady had in her house. Yeonjun waited in the car and you guys were soon back, he suggested to grab some food, and as if on cue your stomach rumbled.

“Yup, ____ is hungry, we should definitely get food” Sora giggled.

You just smiled in embarrassment. The three of you had decided to buy four portions of Jjajangmyeon, not forgetting Yoongi of course.

Meanwhile Yoongi had finished up the plastering, he looked at the clock, it was 3pm, the old lady did mention she would return at 6pm, there were 3 more hours to go, more than enough time for the plaster to dry and paint over. He smiled at the fact he was ahead of schedule and thought the lady will be so happy to see the finished results. Soon you, Sora and Yeonjun came back, you distributed the noodle bowls to each person.

“Thank you” Yoongi smiled, you swear he had winked too, you felt excited like a teenage girl. You blushed and proceeded to sit down to eat, it was a nice meal, mostly Yeonjun sharing his personal life and how he has crush on his neighbour.

Chapter 2

[waterfire1848]

AU where instead of a war, there's a World Tournament where all Four Nations send their strongest benders to compete to be crowned champion. This year, Azula and Katara are old enough to compete.

Hello, @wingchunwaterbender !!!!

1. The World Tournament is a series of games and challenges against the four strongest benders in the world. It’s always a bit of a toss up as to who will win because sometimes the winner has a special trick up their sleeve (like the year a firebender was also a lightning bender) or they work smarter (like the year an earthbender used seismic sense to figure out what position everyone was getting in before they attacked), etc. Basically, it’s never set in stone as to what nation will win but the four competitors are always announced in the dead of winter because the tournament takes place year long (so as not to give firebenders or waterbenders an unfair advantage). This year the competitors are: Toph Beifong for earthbending (who might have fudged a little paperwork and said she was old enough to fight), some guy for airbending, Katara for waterbending, and Azula for firebending (making her to first of the royal family to go to the tournament).

2. Katara being chosen doesn’t sit right with the North Pole, seeing as how they think a man should be competing but Katara did prove herself as the best waterbending(having trained under the best masters in the south and north including Hama). She wants to win to show the North Pole that women can fight and to show the world that the South Pole matters since someone from the South Pole has never won. Azula entered the race to be picked in secret because there’s a good chance that competitors get seriously hurt or killed. She won (because of course she did) and her parents agreed to let her go. However, her father made a deal with her. If she wins then she doesn’t have to go into her arranged marriage but if she loses then she’ll go right into wedding planning when she returns. Needless to say, both really want to win.

3. The tournament consists of twenty different events and a tiebreaker if needed starting in winter and ending right before winter begins. The events are held in the Earth Kingdom. When Katara and Azula arrive, they arrive very differently. Katara comes in with her mom and brother but no one else. Azula arrives with the Fire Nation royal precession making Katara instantly assumes she’s some bratty princess. (Katara: How is she supposed to fight? Isn’t she worried she’ll break a finger nail. Sokka: At least you don’t have to worry about princess over there.). Azula and Katara don’t talk until after the first event when Azula grabs Katara’s leg with a fire whip and tosses her. Katara gets mad because she says it’s a fowl but Azula argues that it’s just a creative style of bending and it’s ruled that way by the referee. Katara and Azula’s rivalry begins then.

4. Azula and Katara start competing personally at every event. It gets so intense that people are making bets between the two of them as opposed to all four competitors. By spring, the airbender is eliminated. By summer, Toph is eliminated but with Toph being eliminated comes Azula being suspended because she burned Toph’s feet. Toph is unable to play but Azula’s maneuver was against the rules. Katara gains the ability to pulls ahead and win but the day after the incident, she hears Azula and Zuko arguing and Azula angrily yelling about how she’ll have to get married to some old guy now and live her life on some remote island as his wife and nothing more. Katara finds Azula later and talks to her. While Azula doesn’t want pity, Katara does give her some kindness and comfort which does make Azula feel a bit better. Katara agrees that she’ll leave the match open which basically means that both of them still have a good chance to win.

5. Katara and Azula continue competing and by the final event its neck and neck. Throughout this time, they’ve also grown closer and became good friends. The night before the final event, Katara kisses Azula which makes the following day very awkward because Katara doesn’t want to beat Azula and make her marry someone else and Azula doesn’t want to beat Katara and keep her from bringing respect to her nation and showing up the Northern Water Tribe. In the final event, Katara has the opportunity to win but as she’s doing it she finds that she can’t take the final shot and Azula wins. After the event, Azula tries to say that she should be the winner because she had the shot but Katara argues against her. Katara knows she brought respect to the South Pole by making it this far and showed up the North Pole’s sexism. She didn’t need the champion title. (Katara: Now that the games are over and you don’t have a wedding to get to, how about we head the South Pole for a few days? Azula: Excellent choice. I hear it’s the home of almost champion of the World Tournament Master Katara. Katara: 😊)

[fanfic-inator795]

SPOILERS FOR “THE END”

Okay so, much like the ending of Amphibia, I’m sure this ending’s gonna be controversial for some people for being so bittersweet and for it also ending with the two BFFs splitting seemingly forever… but honestly? I fucking loved it.

While the penultimate ep felt slightly rushed and just a tad unsatisfying due to all they had to cram in and wrap up, I love that this show’s finale was ultimately focused on just Molly, Scratch, and the latter’s series-wide arc of changing for the better and “being brought back to life”, as the TGAMM show bible put it.

Having believed in the Wraith feeling since the start, I was afraid that the Todd reveal would feel rushed given that the crew lost the 3rd season of set-up they wanted, but thankfully it managed to feel fairly natural since - while Todd himself may have been a more subtle hint that you’d only notice if you were paying attention- again, Scratch’s arc and the clear changes we see from him are made known throughout the series. So by the time you finally get to the big payoff, it feels like a natural conclusion.

For all the info dumps we got, I also felt like the ep was pretty well paced as well, still having jokes that made me laugh so it never felt too heavy or melodramatic. I also love that all the major characters in Scratch’s life got to play a role in this one final adventure. I also love that - for as important of a role that Adia played in helping Scratch regain his memories - it wasn’t framed as Scratch choosing his old BFF over his new BFF, but simply Scratch choosing to be brave and live the life he always wanted deep down instead of continuing to run away/hold himself back.

As for what could be seen as the Most controversial bit - Scratch forgetting his time as a ‘ghost’ - I feel like this was incredibly well crafted too. Like anything else in TGAMM (and as Molly herself says) there’s still that spark of hope hinting at Scratch still remembering Molly and the impact she had on him. He’s going to live with those memories and the importance she gave to enhappifying in his heart, even when he doesn’t consciously remember these things.

What’s more, the show also subtly but beautifully emphasizes that even if Scratch won’t fully remember Molly and the others until he’s officially died, the time he spent and the things he did for others as a ghost still mattered - they’re still going to be remembered by Molly, the McGees and their friends, and I LOVE how they also brought back Scratch’s silly toboggan-sneeze curse as just another way a part of ghost-him is going to stick with all of them no matter what - no matter how far apart they are.

While I would have liked one final song (which, I guess we arguably did get that in the credits) I also feel like ending the show on Libby’s Maya Angelou quote was the perfect summation on the show’s core themes - to not just do good for others, but for yourself. To live your best and happiest life.

In my opinion, this truly was just a master class in satisfying series finales. We didn’t need any big final battles or a ton more drama, just one last beautiful character piece that isn’t afraid to be somewhat bittersweet in order to fully sell its message while also still being just as fun and enjoyable and lovely as the rest of the series.

Really, the only thing that makes me kinda sad is that Scratch never said goodbye to GhostShark - but hey, he’ll see him again eventually, and honestly my hc is that the Jeoffs are taking care of Sharkie for him in the meantime. Other than that, this was a 10/10 finale for me, absolutely no notes.

Now… obviously this was the finale that the TGAMM crew was always leading up to, I assume once they realized that they weren’t getting a s3 they asked Disney to give them one final ep to wrap things up. If that wasn’t the case though and this was always meant to be the s2 finale, I guess s3 would be about Todd slowly remembering his life as Scratch and eventually coming back to Brighton alongside Adia to help Molly stop Jinx’s revenge or whatever. But… eh, I personally don’t think that’s needed.

I think the show ended perfectly, leaving just enough ambiguous for fans to still imagine how Molly and Scratch’s adventures are going to continue one day while at the same time being super satisfying - probably the best series finale that we’ve seen out of any modern Disney cartoon.

[rachelsshowerthoughts]

Not Aware AU exactly but kinda tangential. I always toyed with this idea of "Kagami was transferred into Adrien's class when she joined the school."

This could be in S2, or be because Tomoe saw Adrien was attending school and she's got those later season machinations & sends Kagami to make sure he's not snagged by a gold digger.

(In the former case its just in S2, while in the latter it starts after Princess Fragrance.)

This was fine and fun at first, but Kagami is more willing to start shit with Chloe & much less patient with Adrien's continued softness.

Plus, Adrien can't really explain why he's fond of Chloe cos its a mixture between he can't imagine his life without her (Sibling coded) & stuff like, "She was there for me when mom disappeared & got me into school".

This leads to her at some point losing her patience and dragging both off to a classroom and basically saying "Either she needs to improve or you need to drop her, because this cannot go on."

You'd expect it to be a two on one but Adrien's efforts to play peacemaker lead to Kagami arguing with him as well.

Then when one of Chloe's major blows lands hard against Adrien, "Our parents harm more people every day than I do in a year and you still love them, hypocrites!"

It does nothing to Kagami, because she doesn't love her mother, she respects her, obeys her and fears her wrath but she doesn't love her even a little and she assumed Adrien was the same.

He is not the same & is in fact kind of defensive of his father at such a blatant rejection of one's own family and how uncomfortable it makes him.

It basically descends from there, cos I love slow burns but sometimes its just like, "Hmm what if they all started screaming their issues that they do not realize are issues at the top of their lungs?"

None of these kids know therapy talk so their languages on it is already going to be shit even before we remember literally not a one of them has much in the way of healthy communication or good social skills outside of formal events so:

So you have Chloe defending stuff like destroying Roses' letter because "That's how Mama handles it when I give her bad gifts, she's telling me to do better and one day I'll get it right!" As well as "Why would Papa want to see me when he doesn't need me for something? He's not a lunatic control freak like your parents."

Then you have Adrien defending stuff like, "I know my dads cold and has impossible standards and barely lets me do anything I want but he is protective and just wants what's best for me!" & "My mom was always kind to me, she was perfect even if she never let me go out or have a birthday either!"

& Kagami defending Tomoe with, "It doesn't matter how I feel about Adrien, or my instructions, I act as I do because it is for the good of my family. My emotions, my life don't matter at all before that duty!"

So its just three incredibly fucked up abused kids steadily airing each others and their own families laundry list of abusive traits and experiences under the pretext of saying "No my family is normal & OK yours is the bad one" and "How dare you call 'that' bad, when your parent does this!"

(Also Chloe may think Gabriel killed Emilie or otherwise would rather have Adrien sealed in amber forever than as an actual living boy,)

With this continuing until it either gets physical or they basically collapse.

Meanwhile the class is just watching in mounting horror and disgust and discomfort. (Nino is likely especially pissed) Like even with Chloe it may not justify her behavior but it puts so much of it in a new deeply messed up context where it kind of makes sense she doesn't even know how to be nice.

To quote a friend of mine:

The rich kids have taken knives to each other. They've cut open their festering wounds. The rot is exposed, scrubbed raw. While they lie angry, bleeding, crying, and dying [inside], they have the opportunity to look upon themselves once more and apply new dressings.

I can see it, but unless Gabriel is ACTUALLY out of the country, all three get Akumatized. My thoughts are a weird mix Grimm Brothers Fairytales - Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel & Gretel, etc. Not in specific, but like. More fairytale tropes?

Adrien is the "Cinderella"-style. Rapunzel, Snow White-style, "One Day My Prince Will Come"-style. The type of character that has to sacrifice and sacrifice, and will eventually be rewarded. If he does one more photo shoot, one more public appearance, *scrubs one more floor*, his father will finally love him. He'll finally have the happy ending he wants. He just has to stick it out - cause his dad DOES love him, right? (As a possession, if at all.)

Chloé is more of the "Trials"-style. Complete this mission-style. Knit twelve sweaters from nettles, and your brothers will become human again. Find the right goose, and get set free. Defeat the evil witch, and the spell is broken. If Chloé tries hard enough, does and says the right things, her parents will love her, show her affection. She'll finally be worth something. (All of it performative and shallow, until they raise the bar to another impossible height. Always keeping her dependant on them.)

Kagami, weirdly, I see as more endurance, or contract style - like a flipped version of Adrien. She isn’t really trying to "change" her situation the way Chloé or Adrien are, (for value of "trying to change it", ie, playing along with their parents games because that’s all they know to do) she's accepted this is the way it is, and is simply trying to endure it. Go through the motions. Hold up your end of the bargain. Work within the bonds of your deal, to do as little harm as you can, while still fulfilling your end. One day, you'll be out. You'll be free. (As if her mother will ever set her free.)

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

No Kids**

This is a quick smutty one about husband/dad Harry finally having sex with Y/N, his wife, after a several month long drought.

Warnings: oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, talk of pregnancy, lactation.

WC: 3.1k

Check out the rest of my writing here:)

When Harry’s alarm went off at 6:30am you groaned softly before turning away from his body to allow him to either get out of bed or snooze it. You were accustomed to the former; Harry was very serious about sticking to his workout regimen and hardly ever missed a day at either the yoga studio, pilates bar, the pool, or a simple run around the neighborhood. In other words you were used to mornings alone now. 

It wasn’t as bad as it sounded. You quite liked this actually; stretching out on the bed and taking up as much space as you wanted (even if it was a king mattress), not feeling too hot with Harry’s furnace of a body around you, nor too cold because he’d sometimes kick off the covers when he felt too stuffy. And most importantly, for the next 15 or so minutes you would enjoy absolute and unbothered silence. The kids wouldn’t be un until at least 6:45 if they were right on schedule and you cherished that time alone, there didn’t seem to be very much of it in supply these days. So as you felt Harry’s weight roll away you smiled, getting ready to enjoy the best part of your day. His alarm stopped and next thing you knew he was rolling back towards you and pulling you back into his chest. It was strange to you, even more so as you felt him hard against your backside.

Marriage, kids, the white picket fence dream, it had its perks but it also had its downsides. Like your life wasn’t yours anymore and Harry’s wasn’t Harry’s anymore, your lives were devoted to your kids now and they took up a lot of your time. Harry was still as busy as ever. He assumed that after taking a nearly year long hiatus from the scene his demand would decrease and he could ease back into the limelight, but it appeared that the limelight had been eagerly awaiting his return. Music had a pretty basic year without his unapologetically himself sound in the mix of it all. Fashion was the same, there wasn’t someone out there who was both daring and confident enough to pull anything off. While he still didn’t have too much film under his belt, people were always trying to sign him onto their projects and well, you had seen a film or two that he’d turned down and you could picture just how much better the film would’ve been if he had accepted. 

Harry had started his hiatus on the 6 month of your second pregnancy. You had a 1 year old who you couldn’t manage alone from there on out. But as he neared month 10 of his hiatus he was so fucking restless and antsy that it was driving you insane. Yes, he was still very hands-on and helpful with the kids, but he was clearly distracted and you could tell that he was struggling to not go back to work. You didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t do both things, that was the point of the hiatus to help him transition into being a father of two, to help him figure out how to balance everything. So you talked about it and just a few weeks later he was back in the studio with his usual crew and had put an album together in a little less than three months. He’d be gone for days sometimes, you were used to that from before, but it was a little different this time because when he came back It wasn’t like you just locked yourselves away to make up for lost time like before. No, now when he came back it was to baby barf, poopy diapers, crying, mischievous 2 year old, and an exhausted you- there wasn’t time for them and it did create some distance. All of this to say that you and Harry hadn’t had sex in 6 months, maybe a little longer. So, feeling his hard-on rocking against your bum was unexpected. And while you would normally be thrilled, this was alone time, this was your 15 minutes of peace and the fact that he was taking that away from you was a bit disappointing.

“What are you doing?” You mumbled tiredly, “Shouldn’t you be off to work out?” You grumbled.

“What are you talking about?” he smiled, you could hear it in his voice as he responded.

“The kids’ll be up in like 10 minutes and I just need these couple of minutes to have a proper power nap, H.” you grumbled and he chuckled as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder.

“Baby, no kids today. They’re at your parents’ remember?” He asked lowly as he peeled the thin strap of your pajama top off of your shoulder and continued sponging kisses up and down from your shoulder to the base of your neck. Your eyes fluttered open as you recalled that yes, indeed there were no kids around today. You two had gone out the night before. Nothing crazy, Just dinner and a little underground indie show in Hollywood. Your parents agreed to have the kids until you guys came over for dinner the following day.

“Right.” You hummed, your mood changing almost immediately. He even felt your body relax more in his arms and he smiled.

“So?” He whispered near your ear suggestively, “Does my wife want t’fuck?” He asked as one of his hands slid down your center and rubbed your clit through your shorts. You whimpered softy as you got more and more aroused.

In moments Harry had you on your back and naked as he kissed up your thighs. He hadn’t gone down on you since…well you couldn’t remember, but it was at some point early on in your pregnancy. So feeling his hot breath fanning over you as he held your legs open was the ultimate form of foreplay. You were basically going to be done for when he licked your clit. And boy, he did not disappoint as his tongue and fingers played with all of your most sensitive spots. His fingers were curled deep inside of you, pulsing against your g-spot as his tongue flicked deliciously at your clit, you were seeing spots as your mouth parted in a silent cry. You were so close! You exhaled shakily and then pulled a pillow over your face as you felt your orgasm approaching.

Harry was pulling out all of the stops to make you feel good and he was frustrated that you weren’t responding how you usually would, but when he spared a glance up and saw you holding a pillow over your face it dawned on him that you forgot that you could be loud right now. He smiled and pulled his mouth away from your center and your high started to fizzle out and you removed the pillow to look down at him already glancing up at you from between your legs.

“No kids.” Harry reminded and you gigged quietly.

“Right. No kids.” You hummed happily as he started fucking you faster with his fingers.

“So I want to hear you, baby.” He urged, “Can you do that f’me, baby?” Harry asked and you nodded. As soon as he got your confirmation he got back to using his mouth on you and you let out a satisfied moan.

“Yes. Mmmfuck, that feels so good…” You sighed in pleasure as you heard the slurping and wet sounds of his mouth and fingers working up your orgasm quickly again. “Ohmygod, ohmygod!” Your slurred your words together as you felt the muscles in your stomach start to tense. You could feel your walls throbbing around his fingers and he groaned against your pussy as he felt it too, you were so close for him. He hadn’t made you come in ages and he just wanted to make you feel good again. Like he used to. “I-I’m coming!” You mewled as your back arched and hips bucked up as you planted your feet on the mattress. Harry moaned as he fucked your g-spot more intentionally as your cries got louder and louder and before he knew it you were very softly squirting into the palm of his hand. He was doing his best to follow the movement of your hips to ensure that he saw your orgasm through all the way and boy, did he. He didn’t even mean to make you come twice, but after removing his fingers from you he just use his mouth to clean you up a bit and ease you off of the intensity of your orgasm, but soon he was holding your thighs apart as they threatened to lock around his head and suffocate him against your swollen and messy pussy as you came for him once more.

You felt like your throat and chest were on fire as you struggled to breathe properly as the pleasure from your orgasm rippled through your body beautifully. The feeling giving you that little spark of energy you had been missing for a while now. Soon that feeling started becoming a bit much and you whimpered as you pushed Harry’s head away and he quickly pulled off of your clit and kissed your inner thighs, then your mons, then your lower stomach, and up your torso, sternum, neck and then jaw, and finally he was hovering over your lips wearing a victorious smile before he kissed you deeply for a few moments.

“God, I forgot how good you are at that.” You panted and he smirked, but that soon faded. “What?” You asked with concern.

“You shouldn’t forget how good it feels. I’m sorry.” He said lowly and you shook your head.

“Oh baby, it’s not your fault. Things are just different now.” You said and that didn’t seem to make him feel better.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean that we should neglect ourselves.” He said and you sighed.

“Well H, I don’t think we’re neglecting ourselves. I think we just indulge in different things now. Like my 15 minutes of undisturbed sleep after you leave and before the kids wake up.” You explained, “I don’t even know how many times I’ve caught you dozed off in your office…we've got other things going on now so we just need different things than before.” You reasoned, “And that doesn’t mean we don’t need these kinds of things, we just need other things more now.” You concluded.

“I get that but… I should appreciate you more and everything that you do.” He said quietly, “I need to do more to remind you that I love you and that I’m still interested in you in that way, you know? Make you feel like my girl, not just like my wife and mother of my children.” He said and you smiled.

“You’re sweet.” You hummed at his words.

“I’m serious. Baby, I’m still in love with you, I mean how could I not be?” He said and you blushed under his intense gaze and his beautiful words, “You’re absolute perfection. You know that? You look after me, you support me, you love me. You’ve made my dream life a reality. You gave me the two most beautiful babies planet earth has ever seen. You mean everything to me and I don’t want to make elaborate schemes like this just to show you that. I'm going to make an effort to show you every day,” He said and you cupped his face in your hands and kissed his lips.

“I don’t doubt you. Ever, H. I said yes to you. To us. To everything we could grow to be. I knew things would change and boy, have they changed.” You chuckled and he smiled and nodded, “Granted, we could both do a bit more to show each other our appreciation. But I just want you to know that I am still happy.” You assured him and he smiled, “I love you.”

“I love you.” He hummed happily, “Now, are you up for some sex?” He grinned.

“I never thought you'd ask!” you exclaimed and he chuckled. 

Everything was sweet and giggly, much like it had been before. Your intimacy was so special and as out of touch as you may have felt with each other, seconds before he slipped inside of you, your eyes met and an unspoken message was shared between them. It suddenly felt like no time had passed between you two at all, there wasn’t any time lost. There were no missed opportunities. You just led a different life now, but the overpowering love you had for each other still simmered beneath the surface of everything. Maybe it wasn’t expressed like this as often as it used to be, but it was certainly what fueled the fire of your marriage. It’s what kept you going and trying. It was the hearth of your relationship as soulmates. You smiled and nodded and he surged his hips forward and sunk inside of you.

“Oh fuuuck.” Harry moaned lowly and you just whimpered as he sank in as deep as he could go. It had been too fucking long, Harry was hoping he could last at least last 10 minutes and that was proving difficult as your walls adjusted to his intrusion. So soft and warm and snug around him. He exhaled sharply through his nose as his throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly. He knew what he needed to do to last a bit longer. He reached to the side of your head and dragged a pillow down. Without drawing out of you, he managed to raise your hips a bit as he knelt up and slid the pillow under. Your heart started pounding in nerves and excitement as he brought his body over yours again and kissed you.

“Baby, what you’re doing is dangerous.” You warned with a nervous chuckle and he shrugged.

“So?” He smirked.

“Baby, we said two. Only two.”

“I know.” He assured as he ground his hips into yours and your body tensed and his smirk only intensified as he watched the effect his body had on yours.

There was nothing wrong with this sex position - the coital alignment. In fact, it was perfect. Imagine getting stimulated in the deepest most delicious part of you all while your clit is being rubbed in perfect time to the internal movements. It was perfection, it was bliss, heaven on earth. But every time you’d had sex like this you’d ended up pregnant and when Harry even thought about trying for a baby it unleashed a part of him that made you desperate for him. For more of him, those times were so good that you were begging him to get you pregnant and well…wish came true. Both times. So yes, you were a bit wary of this position and what it could mean for you. As much as you loved your little girls, pregnancy was more lows than highs for you. So after your second little girl came you had both agreed that two was it. Harry was supposed to have a vasectomy, but he went back to work early and just continued to put it off, which didn’t matter before, seeing as you weren’t having sex, but now you were having sex and he was Fertile. With a capital F because each time he had successfully gotten you pregnant during your first attempts and that was scary.

“My period ended last week. If I get pregnant from this I’m gonna-”

“I’ll run out and get you a plan B later.” He assured and you let your head fall back onto your pillow as you laughed, “I promise, baby.” He assured and you sighed.

“OK.” You agreed and he grinned as he started to grind his hips into yours again. Your clit had already been sensitive from him going down on you so this stimulation had your stomach tightening up and your breath hitching in absolutely no time. His cock was rubbing and gently prodding at that spot that was making your vision blur with tears of pleasure. Suddenly you gasped as you felt your right boob start to ache. Fucking shit, it was past feeding time you thought to yourself. Harry was quick to notice the change of expression on your face.

“Am I hurting you?” He asked as he slowed down and you shook your head.

“No, baby. It’s just I’ve usually fed Daisy by now so I’m sore.” You explained and he nodded in understanding. He looked down at your breasts and saw that the right one was looking more firm and swollen than the other. The skin was quite taut as he could slightly see your veins under your skin, “I just need to pump for a bit and then we can keep-what’re you doing?!” You asked in shock as he leaned down to your breast.

“Helping.” He said simply as he very gently licked over your nipple and you whimpered pathetically at the feeling of having it touched erotically for the first time in what felt like a lifetime. He then started to speed up the movement of his hips, rocking deep into you and you moaned loudly. When you felt the first suck of him against your nipple your nearly orgasmed, it pushed you so fucking close. Harry could feel your walls suffocating his cock and maybe he wasn’t going to last as long as he was hoping. He was grinding his cock into you, pubic bone rubbing your clit over and over, while his mouth was latched around your areola as he sucked the milk out of your completely swollen breast and it was driving him insane. You too apparently and he loved that. He swallowed down what was in his mouth before he kissed you hard, “Better?” He asked and you nodded, “Do you want me to do it again?” He asked through his bated breathing, “S’it gonna make my girl come?” He asked.

“Yes, fuck! Pleasepleaseplease!” You whined out and he groaned as he sucked your nipple into his mouth again while your fingers pulled hard at his hair. His balls were so full and achey, much like your breasts, and he had so much of his own creamy load of sperm to give you. Your skin was covered in goosebumps as your legs trembled around his narrow hips and your toes curled as your orgasm started to come over you. “Fuck Harry, don’t stop! I’m gonna come!” You cried out loudly and he pulled off of your boob and hovered his face over yours, his eyes were dark and your breast milk was dripping from the corner of his mouth and he had never looked hotter than he did at this moment.

“Just give me a second.” He said and you whined and closed your eyes, “Nu-uh, look at me, baby. Look at me while I make you cum.” He grunted his demand. The depth of his voice felt like it rumble through your body and you swore your eyes crossed as your orgasm just exploded through your body. You gasped and wailed, you were squirting again and a tidal wave of tingles and warmth washed through your entire body. Your ears were ringing and your blurry eyes focused on Harry’s eyes. His eye brows were creased low and he was grunting, you could barely hear it over the ringing of your ears, but soon he was lowering his face to yours and you just hugged him tight to your body as he started to shoot his load deep inside of you with long drawn out moans of satisfaction. He slowly rode you both through the full experience, making sure that he milked every ounce of pleasure out of the experience for you both.

Several minutes passed without you moving from the position you were in. Your bodies were hot and sticky. Plus yours was sore, you hadn’t done this much cardio or physical activity in a while. Your fingers gently scratched along Harry’s head as you relished in the silence and comfort of being alone with each other. You were tingling all over and riding such a high that you had even forgotten about your tender breast until some of it started to trickle out and Harry raised his head from your chest to see you literally leaking out in little streaks and he started to laugh.

“What?” You asked and then saw the little stream coming out of your breast and you groaned, “So embarrassing.”

“Your body is amazing. The fact you can even do that is incredible…Anyway, I’ll get the pump.” He said and pulled out of you far sooner than either of you wanted and headed around to your bedside table and handed you the pumps from the drawer. You set them up and just rested against the headboard with a tired sigh as your eyes fluttered closed as you let the machines do their thing. Then you felt the warmth of Harry nearby and he kissed you on the forehead, the tip of the nose, and then the lips, you were already smiling by then and so was he. “Thank you, baby.” he whispered against your mouth.

“For what?” You asked as you blinked your eyes open and Harry smiled at you.

“For choosing me to have all of this with.” He said and you sighed as your eyes welled up with tears and he cooed a gentle “don’t cry, baby” to you as he wiped the tears away from under your eyes.

“They're tears of joy. I promise.” You swallowed thickly and he smiled and leaned in to kiss you again, “I wouldn’t want this with anyone else. I love you.” You whispered in between kisses.

“I love you most.” Harry hummed.

----Tag List ----

@justlemmeadoreyou @daphnesutton @angelbabyyy99 @reveriehs @cherrysulewski @jessitpwk @gurugirl @sunflovverharry @sunshinemoonsposts @ottawaoutlander @permanentllyharry @here4thefanfics

[the-eyeless-watcher]

Starbound oc lore drop because why the heck not!!

a small test group was sent to expand the Terrene Protectorate to space more than they have (in the game there like no other Terrene Protectorate so I'm just assuming that most were on earth for the graduation.). they called the group the Stella Protectorate, this group wasn't able to get to earth for the graduation because they were too far out and were still working on getting the group organized. their goal was to help those in a specific galaxy (the Terrene Protectorate were planning on having groups like this all over for some kind of better policing system and to better connect and help small cites on planets)

ANYHOW

The leader of the group is an Apex named Dmitri Brek. before he joined the Protectorates he lived in one of the Miniknog cities with his wife. she was a scientist for the Miniknog doing shady things and she died. Dmitri started learning more about the Miniknog and he joined the rebels, at some point the Protectorates helped the rebels win a fight and he decided that was the best way to help people, so he joined the academy.

Achere Stormwire was living in a small village as a farmer for who knows how long before one day his code just broke and he realized what was happening around him. His village wasn't super thrilled about that and he became an outcast. One day he was out taking care of the robot chickens when he saw a group in blue uniforms passing through, and even weirder, they were humans. The other glitch around kinda just ignored him, but he was curious, so he talked to them and ended up going back with them and joining the academy. his one goal in life is to be able to lie and have no one notice, even if it's small and insignificant like saying that the sky is green, he hates that he has to say his inflection before the words. Achere works as second in command in the Stella Protectorates.

Wisteria was the youngest member of her tribe, she was both incredibly skilled in hunting, and in her studies with the Greenfinger of her tribe. she watched the Greenfinger make contraptions and get them to work. The scientist from the codex "Florans in the Mist" was at her village, the scientist was able to convince Wisteria of a humans ability to be sentient, and the scientist was probably forced out of the tribe shortly after that. but the idea of more worlds and races made Wisteria curious. so when she was older, she and her Greenfinger made a small ship and she eventually found the academy. In the Stella Protectorates she is the head of security.

Chiyo Yoshida is in charge of Science in the Stella Protectorates. Chiyo was raised by her eccentric philosopher grandfather. she grew up around old scholars and she wanted to learn, she became a scientists, she never really had a specific field, she enjoyed biology and anatomy of all the races but was never interested in anything medical, she just wanted to learn. she learned about the Protectorate academy but wasn't interested, until she learned that she could study science and be around every race and learn more about the universe.

Khonsu was actually born on Avos the home planet of the Avians. He was raised by an influential Stargazer priest. he was raised believing in Kluex. The priest was training him to take over as a Stargazer priest so he could be "reunited with Kluex" (HAVE YOU READ ABOUT THEIR RITUAL SACRIFICES ITS WILD). but our boy Khonsu when he was little, he snuck out of the temple and started exploring the area, and he was so entranced by it that he didn't notice a monster sneak up on him. he got hurt and he decided it was divine punishment, but he wanted to see the outside world again so he went out again, and he was fine, nothing hurt him and he started questioning things. eventually he ran away and started seeing the world for what it was, but his little escape pod he escaped in crashed somewhere and he got stuck (he is still a little kid btw) a member of the Protectorate found him and raised him. he joined the academy once he was old enough so he could help people just like his mom did for him. he still has all of the teachings of Kluex memorized and still has a hard time doing things that were considered forbidden for him. His job in the Stella Protectorate is medic.

TWO MORE

Ackey Bridger grew up in a classic old west town, her pa was the sheriff and her ma was a (retired)bandit (it made family gatherings real interesting) she spent her days riding horses out in the open fields, herding cattle, and chasing down bandits with her pa. as a Novakid she never really felt at home anywhere (even in a town full of Novakid), she yearned for the stars. Ackey kissed her ma and pa goodbye and left. she wandered around for a little bit until she saw a pamphlet for the Protectorate academy outside a gas station, then she was off. somehow she made it through the schooling, she wasn't a great student. Her job in the Stella Protectorate is mostly handling equipment, guns, armor, rations, vehicles, etc.

Last but not least: classic funny blond guy character! (i love him thanks) Curtis Sullivan!!

Curtis grew up watching the Protectorates on TV,he wanted to be like them, he would dress up when he was a little kid in blue clothes and a yellow blanked tied around his neck like a cape and jump around his small suburb home "saving earth". he had a lot of siblings and he falls right in the middle. his older siblings got stable jobs, but he had his heart set on becoming a Protectorate, the problem was money. he worked really hard in school and got tons of scholarships and got a free ride into the academy. he comes off as confident and goofy but he is fully capable of working hard. because of his "people person" personality, his main duty in the Stella Protectorate is dealing with people, making negotiations, talking with leaders, and anything that has to do with being social.

they also have a classic gum chewing, cat eye glasses, secretary, but i haven't gotten around to designing her yet, i know nothing about her lol.

thats them, thats the boys... that was more typing than anticipated.

one thing i really like with these characters is that no matter what they can be in the same world as your player character it's not one or the other idk.

i'm thinking about making little comics with them!

[palant1r]

One trick I've picked up from my dad to be more even-handed in both personal and political debates is the question: is this an area where two reasonable people could disagree?

Whether the answer is yes or no completely changes how I engage with the argument.

To be clear, to admit that something is an area where two reasonable people could disagree is NOT to admit that you are wrong or that the other person is right or that there is no need to vigorously pursue a certain course of action. It simply means that opposition should, until you have reason to do otherwise, be treated in good faith and with the assumption that the other party could have insight that you don't, and that they're acting on information and values that have merit, even if you disagree that those merits justify their views. If two reasonable people could disagree on a topic, it is neither ethical nor productive to unilaterally malign one side or another.

Here's an example of an area where two reasonable people could not disagree: the way that America has historically treated Indigenous people is wrong, and it is wrong to discriminate against them in the present. If someone disagrees with me on that point, I am clued in that there is no productive conversation to be had there unless they drastically change their position.

But two reasonable people could absolutely disagree on the best way to resolve that historical injustice — and other historical injustices — in the present. Is it better to give monetary reparations or land back, or both? How will successful landback movements mesh with current legal frameworks, and is it right to take on the risks of that legal upheaval? What's the most responsible way to ensure that reparation efforts aren't plagued by corruption? Is it right to bomb a pipeline if peaceful protests fail to stop its construction?

Like, I used to think that affirmative action was one of the areas where reasonable people couldn't disagree, but then I read a pretty good article about how affirmative action's underlying legal grounding has been steadily corroded over the years until it now rests far more on the benefits that diversity has for white students than the reparations owed to the historically disenfranchised.

Some of these may be areas I have strong opinions on. But if I meet opposition, I acknowledge that someone's disagreement is coming from a reasonable place, acting on information and values that are, if not Absolutely Right, still compatible with reality and ethics.

I think this is a really important distinction to make in leftist spaces. Something I see far too often is people assuming that, since their position is based on something no reasonable person could disagree with (racism bad, genocide bad, sexism bad, homophobia bad), that means that no reasonable person could disagree with the methods and associated beliefs they've tacked on to their position. And not only is that a very dangerous attitude to take, it's also pretty toxic to coalition building and collective action.

But, honestly, I'm not really involved in activism work, so the main area I use this question is in my personal life. It's a great way for me to step back from personal disagreements and consider: is this really a hill I need to die on, or is this just a disagreement between two reasonable people? It helps me feel assured when I know I need to be assertive, since I know I'm not just reflexively going in guns blazing.

[rowanthestrange]

It’s not even 10am, but this might be contender for Pose Of The Day:

Had another good night, not so much in the crate, and did come and chill on my legs for a while. I decided on balance to allow him sleeping with me. I like good boundaries, especially with a boy who will be as big as him, but his chemical stress level is incredible and I thought skin-skin contact might help while we try and get some of the cortisol and its cascading effects out of his system.

I show you the nice bits, but in addition to his ‘object impermanence’ with people, he’s very PTSD-twitchy - shouts if so much as a seagull passes over his head when he’s in the garden, his paranoia means he sees things that aren’t there - not just looking at noises but will become convinced he sees something on a spot of the carpet until we or he dispels it, and his zoomies clearly leave him out of all control. And his stomach’s not great, drinking excessively, and his breathing rate while sleeping has been obscene. I can really see why our vet friend called the emergency on him, the stress chemicals are clearly an actual danger. A good sleep-breathing rate can be 20-45. His slowest sleep breathing rate yesterday was 62 breaths per minute. His fastest? 190. Yes, I repeated the counts. No, it wasn’t after exercise. He was like that for about 20 minutes. It was so fast I couldn’t even say the numbers in my head, just had to do 1-10 and mark on my fingers. If I didn’t know the likely reason plus know his crate trauma wouldn’t cope with being in the emergency vets if they wanted to keep him, I’d have called. I don’t know how this little puppy body copes.

But he’s doing better today so far. We’re a bit calmer - not perfect but calmer. My random sleep-breathing polling is getting an average of about 53 which is much better. Hopefully it’s a case of just letting all the chemicals be processed, and keeping him as stable and routined as possible. But I do think we’re going to probably keep him now. I don’t think he’ll cope with another move, and assuming the worst of current behaviours (and the risk that ‘solved’ ones turn up again around the 8 month and 2 year mark as early-life trauma things often do as the brain rewires), he needs people who have experience with altering their environment and entire existence for the dog, not just assuming they can alter the dog to their environment and existence. Not that I don’t hope for the best. “Puppy brains are very elastic” wars with “Early trauma can be permanent”.

But yeah. That’s what we’re thinking anyway. At least we’d understand getting a rescue puppy will actually mean getting the worst elements of both of those words lol. (And he is still the cutest little button, when he’s not hyperactive and sinking his shark-like baby teeth into the soft bit of your arm).

[maconthepen]

What a bagel taught me about how to live.

There's a small grocery shop at the end of my street.

When I say small, I mean tiny. In fact, I often avoid it on Saturdays. Not being the smallest person in stature, I tend to get stuck awkwardly on boxes of fruit the owners haven't unpacked. All would be forgiven and fine if not for the withering stares of the designer activewear crowd who, like circling sharks, single me out as Not One of Their Own. Saturdays just aren't made for that kind of negativity, so I tend to make myself scarce.

But the staff in the shop are lovely and they pride themselves on stocking the best baked goods in the area. Specifically, their bagels. It's no word of a lie. Those bagels stand tall and proud, whether they're plain, poppyseed, sesame, or blueberry. If a food had a sixth sense that it was about to be bought and devoured, these bagels would have it. If I were to get hopelessly anthropomorphic about it, I'd say they exuded smugness. I can't blame them. Were I that perfectly formed, I'd be smug too.

The kicker is that they aren't stocked every day, and today I really, really wanted one. I wanted to pile it high with cream cheese and salmon and to garnish it with care, like it came from a cafe. The idea fixated itself as soon as I was awake, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The grocery shop was bagel-less.

Instead, trying to delude myself into believing I could salvage the situation, I went to my local chain supermarket and bought a subpar pack. Little did I know how subpar they would be. My lunch in the picture above looks amazing — and its toppings were exceptional — but underneath was a blasphemous affair. These were the worst bagels I'd bought in my life. They were small and dense and probably overbaked, and I missed the high, chewy, pillowy goodness of the ones from down the street.

Make no mistake: I ate, and I was grateful for the food, but this exceedingly ordinary experience taught me a lesson I've been halfway to learning in the past few weeks:

Everything has its season.

I'm still learning to go with those seasons. A long bout of depression has meant that, for months, I haven't been especially keen on leaving the house. I've delegated all grocery shops to delivery services from major supermarkets, and when the fresh produce that arrived in stiff paper bags seemed bland and tasteless, I assumed it was the fault of my taste buds.

Little did I know, until I started on antidepressants and began going to counselling again, how fine a thing it was to wander out into the world — to the market, the park, the small grocery shop down the street — and really see what was there. To smell the in-season fruit. To taste air that wasn't stale. To buy bagels one day and almond croissants the next, because that's what the world is offering up, and it was finite, so I'd best enjoy it while it lasts. I've been cooking with the weather again, taking care to make soup on cold days and face-meltingly spicy, fresh salads when the sun is out.

I've been caring for myself better, but I have also been caring more about the world. In doing so, the world and I feel back in sync. The people in it feel closer. About a week ago, buoyed by all the new conversations I've been having with people, I realised that I didn't know the name of the man who owned the grocery shop along the street. For years, surrounded by a fog of my own brain's making, I hadn't asked.

It turned out his name was Dan. He asked mine in return, and I told him.

"You're lucky this morning," he said, smiling his usual warm and genuine smile. "That's the last of the sesame ones."

Then, as I was leaving the shop, he called: "Oh, I nearly forgot! You're a Swans fan, aren't you? Good luck today."

Bewildered, I turned back around to face him. It was footie finals season. I wasn't wearing my team's scarf, but I had been some months ago when I dropped in for a packet of chips on the way to the game. I'd been in and out of the shop in thirty seconds, but Dan remembered the scarf all the same.

I felt the hot sting of guilt return. I couldn't believe I'd never asked his name.

But then I recalled a visit on a freezing June day. Dan, nameless back then, had been rubbing his hands together near a small space heater under the counter. He'd been wearing a black and white hat.

I ventured, "We might be playing the 'pies next week. Here's to both our teams making it through."

He nodded. "Sounds like the perfect occasion for a loaded bagel and a beer."

It was a Saturday. I wish I could say the activewear crowd parted like the red sea, but they just looked on, as impatient as ever as I left through the shop's sliding door. The sun was out. It was a beautiful day — the kind that still felt like a novelty after a long winter — and I realised I didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me. I had Dan's name and his bagels, and my life was in a season of joy.

[thewatercolours]

🪐❄️🦷🌿🪲🦴

🪐Name three good things going on in your life right now

My fancy black and red dice which I love, and always call "the cool dice," and which I thought my students lost last year, turned up in the mysterious, forgotten pocket of my old backpack! There's always that one pocket, right? My little golden box of dice is that much fuller!

I had some lovely sushi last night! Just some grocery store California rolls, because I'm broke, but it's such a treat to me, and the Save On Foods where I get it always has it very fresh.

I never quite grasp how delighted the start of the school year always makes me until I'm back in it. Yes, teaching isn't always a bed of roses, but man, I love my kids. Every single year, I get a good group. I love making them chuckle, and uncovering their passions, and trying to find creative ways to make the material connect with them. We had group auditions for the high school show on Friday, and has some leftover time at the end, and I had them doing skits with movie quotes out of context, and everyone laughed their heads off, and... man, I love being back with them.

What's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

Hm, well assuming we're talking KQ - I mean honestly, I want a longfic of that game I dreamed up that would take place between chapters of the 2015 game. Chapter 1.5, "While the Knight's Still Young," would take place during Graham's knighthood days, and I've always had this image that it would involve him discovering a hidden location in the woods with a magical fountain, and makes an ill-advised choice that kicks off a whole adventure as he attempts to fix his mistake. It probably takes him to some areas of Daventry we haven't seen before, but we also have to have a little visiting the town, because this fic is supposed to feel like playing the game, and the games are always better with more town visiting. I feel like you'd do a great job writing this one, Mickey, because you've got that spirit of adventure and comedy, and are great at balancing lots of elements, and I feel like it would be a great mix of zany antics and heartfelt moments in your hands. I'd also love to see what @gerbiloftriumph would do with it, because she can write exactly like the game at its best, and has really proven out she can write fics that feel like gameplay, and she'd make it wonderful too. Actually, can we stick you both in a blender and have your unholy amalgamation write it? I want 100k on my desk by Tuesday.

(Runner up is somebody writing that continuation of Chapter Three where Graham and the princesses are trying to stop Not-Valanice from freezing and run all around Kolyma and there are warm harbour lights in the tropics and disguises and trying to stop a war.)

🦷 Share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

Oh - um - people feel loved when they offer to help you and you let them. It becomes a moment of connection and bonding, of not being treated like a guest, but a closer part of your life. Being raised by a parent whose primary love language is acts of service can make us feel that we'll show our friends we love them if we don't let them help. But 9 times out of 10, someone who already offered to help really wants to and will feel so glad if you let them, especially if you're in the habit of telling them no.

🌿Give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Don't beat yourself up about creative block. It's self defeating.

If your old methods of getting in the mood to write don't work right now, have fun making a new writing process, even just temporarily. Or come up with a new writing ritual. Even if it doesn't help you write, you had a nicer time of it.

You don't have to make it perfect before people see it. Sometimes people seeing it will help you make it. You can incorporate community and imperfection into the process.

🪲Add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here.

Blast you, Mickey.

“Hey, maybe this is none of my business, but I saw you squinting at those direction signs,”  said Number Two as he stooped to pull the first rainbow sock over his boot. “Have you ever thought you might need glasses?”

“What? Glasses?” Graham scoffed. “Nah, I’m good. It was just hard to read with all this mist in the air.”

🦴Is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

Oh, my imagination's just a big compost heap of every story I've ever enjoyed. Hard to tell what comes from where. I do get in the mood to work on certain stories when I reread/watch certain media. I always think maybe I can make "Pirate Monks" work when I go back to The Goblin Emperor, for example. Revisiting Potter this month made me want to write children's stories for my niece. Twilight Robbery makes me want to work on my old novel, The Brilliant Hour (the one I've been writing "fanfiction" scenes of...) As for KQ, the stuff you guys make is my main inspiration at this point!

[rea-grimm]

Forest of fallen swordsmen - tiger Zoro

You were standing at the edge of the forest. Directly in front of you were several warning signs and other people, standing around you and they tried to convince you not to go there. They offered you the whole world just to save you. However, it only strengthened your determination to enter there and return.

This forest was known for its reputation where no swordsman returned alive. Ordinary people were usually too afraid to go in there at all. Those who went there and returned spoke of a green tiger with three swords. They didn't trust those people very much because within a few days, they lost their minds or something happened to them.

You were the best swordsman on the island and you were done for fear. You, therefore, decided to find out where the truth was hidden and enter the forest.

“Those who are afraid shall not enter the forest,” you said before stepping behind the border formed by signs that they urged to return. Your hand rested on the hilt of your sword as you walked on.

The forest was dense, but not so thick that you had to draw your sword and carve your way. The air here was also pleasant, and overall it gave you a completely different impression than the stories told.

The forest was teeming with life and the constant sounds made you stay alert. You stopped when you heard a terrifying animal roar. It was such a terrifying sound that the trees shook and the birds decided to fly to safety. With your hand still on your sword, you took a deep breath before heading in the direction of the sound.

You arrived at a wooden shack with giant dumbbells rolling around, along with handmade exercise machines.

"Hello, is anyone here?" you knocked on the door. Nothing came from there, so you assumed it was abandoned.

You were about to move on when another roar was heard. This time from the completely opposite direction. You wondered what could have made such a sound, so you went in that direction again.

You reached a small clearing, barely a few meters wide, when something moved in the bush in front of you. You stopped and waited. To your surprise, a tiger with green fur came out of the bush. As the beast emerged from the bush, you noticed a green haramaki around his waist with three swords attached to it. You had the impression that a tiger was looking at you.

With that, he took one sword in his mouth and ran towards you. This had to be the creature that was killing the swordsmen and you challenged him by stepping into his territory. 

You also drew one of your two swords and parried his attack. If he went at you with just this, then you were sure of winning. However, during the fight, you got the impression that the beast was just testing you.

After a few attacks where you parried all the attacks perfectly, the tiger retreated and dropped the sword. What happened next, no one would believe you. 

Before your eyes, the tiger stood on its hind legs and its body began to resemble a human in part. He took the hilt of his sword into his mouth while he gripped a sword in each hand. 

You've never seen anyone fight with 3 swords at once. You too now wielded both of your swords, ready for another barrage of attacks.

The tiger pounced on you and you could tell he was gaining strength. Now the tables were turned and you had to do something to defend yourself. Slowly and surely you were getting small cuts until the last attack knocked the swords out of your hands and you ended up on the ground. You leaned on your hands and saw the tiger heading towards you.

“Wait!” you shouted as he braced himself for the final attack. You knew you couldn't reach your swords and that this was the end of you. The tiger stopped. You stood up heavily and looked into his eyes.

"You can now. A blow to the back is not worthy of a swordsman," you said, standing up to him with a proud expression. You would have preferred to live on, but you were grateful to fall at the hands of a swordsman better than you.

The tiger eyed you before chuckling and attacking. The sword went through your body like nothing. You felt blood running down your chest and stomach. You closed your eyes and surrendered to your fate.

You thought the blow he gave you was fatal. However, the pain you felt confirmed that you were still among the living. You groaned with pain and touched your wounded chest. It was bandaged. 

You opened your eyes and tried to figure out where you were. However, the room you were in didn't tell you anything. You were lying on the bed, covered with a light blanket.

You slowly sat up to find your swords lying on the ground next to the bed. You were relieved because they meant a lot to you.

"Finally you're awake," a male voice said and a green-haired man walked in, haramaki belt and tiger features.

"Why didn't you kill me?" you asked straight away. This was the tiger you were fighting. You didn't understand, why he let you live

"Then I wouldn't have anyone to train with. All the swordsmen who come here before just run away in fear or they won't even be able to handle a tiger with one sword," he replied as if it were a matter of course. "You're good with swords. I want to fight you again when you're healed," he said determinedly, taking two bottles. He drank one of them and handed you the other. You took the bottle and sniffed it. Sake.

"Next time, I'm gonna beat you up," you replied just as firmly. You didn't drink, but that didn't matter.

You later found out that the tiger's name was Zoro. You trained together even though his training wasn't for mere mortals and instead you trained on your own and then you fought.

Although it wasn't a fight to the death anymore, that didn't mean you couldn't give it your all. You never made it easy for him to win. You then drank after the fight. Slowly but surely, you became more than just sparring partners.

Zoro Masterlist