#ive always been extremely anxious and stressed constantly

[petitelepus]

Hey if youre still up for it, Id like a KNY match up? Yes Ibknow Ive been here before, long time fan. Im a pretty relaxed person nowadays, who prefers to 'saunter' and take my time. If you have ever seen a husky taking on an agililty course, my energy is akin to that. While I used to have the nervous energy of a constantly stressed prey animal, I now have since mellowed out and do my best to just exist. I also have recently realized I am good at herding kids. While not over the top about it, I have a deeply ingrained skill for ensuring theyre safe while out and about while not being a jerk or overcontrolling.

So ultimately, while i have my anxieties that dont always go away, i find I am a much more relaxed and self assured person than I used to be. Im also short as hell (4'11.5", who the hell decided to leave it at point 5 smh) and pretty sturdy in terms of strength and weight.

I match you with Hotaru Haganezuka!

It wasn't probably love at first sight due to the Hyottoko mask hiding his face and identity, and even not after learning how temperamental Haganezuka could be... But it was honestly way too funny to watch him lose his cool and chase some poor soul with his knives.

Haganezuka might be a little annoyed by your laid-back nature, but your relaxed attitude actually manages to even calm him down a little bit and he doesn't get as angry as he used to after getting to know you.

Also, as a Pisces, you're extremely emphatic, paying attention to those around you and their well-being. People know they can rely on you and trust you to help them.

Despite Haganezuka being reluctant about sharing you, his partner's attention, you do a great job helping others while still paying the most attention to him.

Do you like laughing? I think you do and if you do, then laughter is one way to win you over. You know what they say, "Laughter is the best medicine".

If Haganezuka really gets out of control, you go for his sides and tickle him, making the man laugh out loud and go limb. Honestly, he has such cute laughter, you love hearing it and then petting his hair when he goes limb.

There aren't many kids in Swordsmith Village so you immediately take young Kotetsu under your care and do your best to be there for him.

You can't help but spoil the young boy rotten and let him get away with the trouble he might cause. While Haganezuka may not be so fond of Kotetsu's blunt and sharp tongue, he does appreciate it that you are there for the young boy.

This doesn't stop Kotetsu from teasing or being blunt around Haganezuka and you do get a good laugh out of it while trying to save Kotetsu from Haganezuka's wrath.

Kanamori thinks you are a great influence on both Haganezuka and young Kotetsu. He also enjoys talking with you and listening to you talk about your interests. He is happy for Haganezuka for having you and to have you around and let Kanamori call you his friend.

Haganezuka might be a little rash, and it might take a second for him to realize it when you get anxious, but when he sees you frowning or biting your lip, he calms down and asks if you would like to enjoy some tea and Mitarashi Dango with him.

Depending on what you like, he will talk to you or listen to you talk, whichever calms you down the most. He is passionate about things he loves and cares for, and this goes to swords and you.

[cosmic-cd]

medical anxiety below the cut- as usual i'll be okay, i just need to write things down.

well! started a new medication and things have not been going great for me medically. i hope this helps. i'm sitting here, feeling extremely anxious (not good for my already racing heart rate;;)

i went off the drug i was taking to take a break, but i wasn't aware you need to taper off even for short breaks, so i think ive been going through withdrawal for the past few days and it's just. it's all heart stuff so it's making me so unbelievably anxious

this new medication in combination with the medication i'm currently taking should make things better but

i'm really still traumatized by the fact most medications i've tried throughout my life have made me sick or i've had really really terrible reactions to them- so taking anything new is always scary and i'm just sitting here afraid while i wait for it to have some kind of effect, not knowing what the effect will be

i have to hope it's good- it doesn't have a lot of negative side effects but

i never know, and that's always terrifying to me.

but part of the heart issues is making me 20x more anxious (yay heart palpitations- the heart doctor i saw doesn't think i'm in bad shape though so it's purely the meds i'm on)

i'm just really stressed out- all i can do is cross my fingers and try not to panic (though i'm sitting here crying so. i need to calm down)

i'm sorry- all of this sounds bad but like. i'm okay. my blood pressure is normal. i'm doing my best to ease off the caffeine, and the medication i just took is supposed to offset the bad side effects of the other medication, so.. i really hope it does its job.

i'll delete this later most likely- i don't really have any reason to panic/i'm not going to need to go to the hospital for anything i don't think. hypochondria's not fun wheeze so i constantly have to reason with myself and it's hard not to spiral. but writing about it helps.

again! i keep saying it but i'll be okay.

[mobtism]

thinking abt my ocd again... smth i am rlly proud of myself for is keeping this tumblr account for so long without moving... ive had it for i think two years now? and that is a really huge deal for me.

d.nt r/b... mutuals i implore you to read on

i struggled heavily with mental/emotional contamination growing up. i never necessarily knew it was a thing, never had the words for it. but i very often found myself feeling Wrong over things that realistically had nothing actually wrong with them.

if i had drama between a friend and me, i needed to move accounts because it was unbearable. the bad experience i had while on the account made me feel disgusting. the account was now contaminated with a horrible memory. and the feeling only festered until i moved accounts and gave myself a clean, blank slate, untouched by the icky experience.

this intense feeling of contamination wasnt only triggered by dramatically bad events. there were times i would need to move accounts because it felt like it was contaminated by an old interest i no longer liked. there were times it felt like the "memory bank" on that account was full - that i experienced and spent "too much" time on that account, and i no longer had room for new memories. sometimes i simply felt the need to move because it felt like my life was improving, and i wanted to put sadder times behind me and start anew. there were even times where nothing happened, but i still felt the need to move.

like a horrible itch you cant scratch, itd sit in my mind and make me feel highly anxious, uncomfortable, and wrong. and there is this intense stress and fear that, if i were to keep that contaminated thing in my life any longer, i would become contaminated too. these feelings would fester endlessly, until i'd finally move accounts. and then that overwhelming, devastating, nagging feeling would disappear almost immediately. i'd finally have a sense of clarity, like i could finally breathe freely again.

its damaging. its debilitating. this intense feeling of dread and fear. this inherent Wrongness. it takes control over me, it becomes my most present thought, and it is extremely stressful to deal with. and it can not be shaken off easily. my brain tells me that it has to be dealt with in the Exact Right Way - otherwise, the awful feeling and the thoughts will not go away, and it will worsen with every passing moment. its something i have to fight against constantly. ocd is a constant battle against yourself, against your own brain and what it tells you. and hopefully, hopefully, you'll eventually win against it... but only enough for it to then manifest in some other way. this process never stops. it is a constant cycle of this, present in so many different ways, tons of them, always, all at once. and all you can do is just keep fighting at every chance you get.

i still struggle with mental/emotional contamination, it still manifests in other ways. i am still ocd.

but with this? i have made progress. ive had this account for two whole years... and i am culminating memories, both good and bad on here, and im staying put. there have been so many times over the last 2years where ive wanted to delete my account and start all over again, erase every memory i could - good and bad. but i havent. and im still here, on this account, after two whole years. and that is something i am so proud of myself for.

[olivetreehugger]

SnK Scouts/Veterans as Health Care Workers

Note: features Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Levi, Erwin and Hange. A part two to my “SnK Warriors as HCWs” post found here. warning: mentions of blood, trauma, gore (it’s healthcare). Also, I know Hange is nb, I headcanon them as female, so I will be using she/her pronouns. 

Eren: this boy is definitely too involved in everything and has too many people depending on him at once to not be a nurse. The kid barely passed the NCLEX but that didn’t stop him from applying to every trauma center within a 25 mile radius of him. He got hired as a night shift trauma ICU nurse  and he frequently picks up shifts in the ER. He wears the cheapest scrubs he can find, often stained with ink in the pockets area. He isn’t a shitty nurse per se but there are tasks that still need to be done at the end of his shift and he gives a crappy report that’s missing too many details. Nurses hate picking up his patients, it’s always a mess. His charting is really spotty and he gets called into the manager’s office all the time to fix it. 

Still, he tries really hard to improve his time management and skills. He wants to be like his friends Mikasa and Reiner, who are the best nurses he knows. He wants to be involved in the traumatic cases and emergencies because he wants to learn as much as he possibly can. He’s really good at wound care, for some reason (hint hint). He’s kinda cocky sometimes too, which can be troublesome when Dr. Galliard is working. People know to steer clear of those two when they’re both  in the ER. Also, Eren always has a black cloud around him; whenever he works it’s gonna be a hella busy day in the hospital. Lots of emergency surgeries, intubations, codes and deaths. He’ll always jump in to help you if your patient is crashing, though, no matter how busy he is. 

Mikasa: she’s a prodigy. She was a straight ‘A’ student in nursing school, got a perfect 75 on the NCLEX and was immediately hired to the trauma ICU after doing a short internship there. She worked night shift for a year but her sleep schedule was so so fucked she started having night terrors, so she switched to day shift. Eren still calls her a traitor for it :/. She keeps trying to get him to switch over but he just hisses at her and threatens to chug a case of Monster energy drinks. She hasn’t given upon him yet, though.

This girl’s work ethic is beyond measure. She comes in exactly at 6:30 am, looks up her patients, takes report, gives a great update to the doctors when they round, and provides impeccable care to her patients. She knows exactly which treatments the doctors will order before they even speak. She’s incredible at inserting IVs--everyone in the hospital knows Mikasa Ackerman can put an 18g in a 90  yr old lady’s arm AND get blood return (just trust me, it’s flipping impossible). She has great skill when it comes to emergency situations and is a big believer in team work. If she notices your patient’s crashing and you don’t know what to do, she’ll calmly coach you and save your patient, too. All before lunch time. 

It doesn’t take Mikasa long to be promoted to charge nurse. When she’s in charge all the reports, paperwork and audits are completed before shift change. She divides the patient assignments really well and is very fair to the new grads. All around she’s an incredible nurse and leader on her unit, but don’t be fooled. If it’s been a rough day, Mikasa will get in her car and sob so loud her throat goes raw. A lot of people depend on her and working in a trauma ICU is really, really demanding. A lot of patients are demanding, rude and busy. She has a lot of trouble with stress management and is thinking of cutting her hours down so she can catch a break. Someone please hug her <3

Armin: for some reason my brain is just SCREAMING respiratory therapist. Like, I imagine this beautiful blond boy in gray scrubs (the color for RT’s in my hospital) going around helping intubate patients, giving nebulizer treatments and doing blood gases. I can just see him huffing and puffing when the attending doctor is overzealous about weaning vent support. -“Why are we changing the patient to pressure support? do you see how tachypneic he is on volume control?”

-“are you gonna put in the order? if not, your patient’s gonna be on PRVC all day, I’m not changing it without an order”

-“Doc, the patient looks like crap and their blood gas looks like death...oh, you still wanna extubate? ok, well I’m gonna leave the ventilator in here just in case. better yet, let me call a pastor in here, too.”

This kid is sassy af and he knows it. He’s smart af too, knows everything there is to know about the lungs and respiratory care. Knows every ventilator mode better than most doctors. Will certainly tell a resident off for ordering the wrong type of inhaler for a patient. He’s so damn intelligent that he even made the ice queen Annie melt like a popsicle. 

 He has no chill when it comes to his patients and even less chill (like -4078875874670) when a doctor gets in his way. For this reason, Armin has recently been toying with the idea of going to PA school so he can have a little more autonomy. He works al over the hospital, usually frequenting the trauma, CV, and medical ICU. The nurses there love him. 

Jean: Jeannie boy. Baby. Sweetie. He’s also a nurse. He is strictly dayshift and trauma. When he first started, he thought he’d do a year in the ICU and then go to CRNA school. He didn’t want to be around sickly patients with hopes and dreams and fears--it was too icky for him. But, over time, he learned that he LOVED trauma. Jean loves the controlled chaos that comes with the ugly, bloody messes that roll in through the ICU’s doors. He always gears up for trauma season (summer time) by bringing Dunkin Donuts iced coffee for everyone on the unit (day and night shift because he’s a supportive king). He gets really good at dealing with arrogant trauma residents and ortho docs who think they’re hot shit. When Jean sees a resident yelling at a nurse, he jumps in and threatens to have their license revoked. He will dig under their skin and page them incessantly throughout the day, too, just to get back at them. Jean is not a fan of lateral violence in the workplace, no sir. 

He always, always makes sure every room is stocked and new bags are hanging for the next shift. He has a thing where if things aren’t properly organized on the unit his brain just spazzes. He’s on the unit council and education committee because he also loves to teach the new grads. He also doubles as charge nurse, when management can’t be there (there can be one or more charge nurses amongst the staff, they usually work different days, though) He and Mikasa work so well together, teaming up to get tasks done, coding patients, running them down to get scanned, etc. People joke they’re the mom and dad of the unit. It makes them both blush <3 (Eren doesn’t like it, lol)

Jean loves to see patients healing from horrendous injuries, he’s constantly cracking jokes with the awake patients to try to make them feel better, and he’s really good at calming anxious family members down. Our boy just makes such good connections with people. He’s the guy you call when your confused patient is one second away from ripping his breathing tube out. He can convince the most restless, agitated patient to chill out. He’s got the voice for it. Also people love his mullet. It looks great. 

Connie: I really didn’t know at first but I feel like Connie would make a great physical therapist. He’s got great energy, he’s funny and I could see him dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire in front of his patients to hype them up for therapy. He’d be very sweet with them 

Sasha: I’m sick and tired of the food jokes, quite honestly. She’s more than that. In my mind, she’s an occupational therapist, helping disabled patients learn to feed, dress and clean themselves again. She works directly with Connie as they round on all their patients in the hospital, they make a great team!  She’s extremely patient and would make a very good nurse, but is unsure of where life is taking her. That is until she meets Niccolo the dietician in the cafeteria, and she falls hard. He encourages her to follow her heart and she does!  

Levi: Hm. This one stumped me. Levi is a bit...cold. It’s not like he has incredible social skills. He’s meticulous and focused and kinda mean? He reminds me of an anesthesiologist, tbh. Like he’ll sedate the shit outta you for surgery, makes sure you don’t die on the table, and then drops you off to the unit as fast as he can. He never takes off his mask while in the hospital and he scrubs maybe four times before surgery. He is very good at medication calculations and knows everything about nerve blocks, intubation, pain medication and sedation. He can look at a person and just KNOW what kind of sedative to give and how much. Your blood pressure will never bottom out while he’s there, he’ll warn the surgeon and immediately get that norepinephrine started.

 If Zeke is the one operating, Levi is on his ass to finish up the surgery ASAP and to not linger, because Zeke takes his time and ignores the tele monitor alarming in the background. After surgery, this 5′2 demon will scream at the 6′ resident about the importance of blood pressure management and sedation in neurosurgical patients. Levi plays no games and he also just really hates Zeke lol

He seems like a jerk but genuinely cares about getting his peeps through surgery. His favorite surgeon to work with is Hange Zoe, because she’s brilliant and fast, but also cognizant of her patient’s hemodynamics. Levi likes taking trauma cases as long as it’s with her. When he drops a patient off to the trauma ICU or goes there to intubate, he makes sure Jean or Mikasa are there because he knows everything is gonna go smoothly. He trusts them a lot. He likes Armin, too and even let him intubate a few times. On his breaks, he’s drinking tea and reading a Williams & Sonoma catalog or scrolling through cleaning Tik Tok lol.

Erwin: This man. This beautiful and hunky beefcake. Omg. I HC him as someone who went to nursing school, became a charge nurse on the trauma unit back in the early 2000′s and fell in love with it. Erwin would eventually fall in love with leadership and educating, too. He went back to school and earned his Doctorate of Nursing Practice (a practice doctorate). He managed the trauma unit for ten years before his brilliant leadership skills and wicked smart brain got him elected as the Director of Trauma Surgery recently. He is the first person with a nursing degree and DNP to ever accomplish this, so it’s very controversial. A lot of toxic doctors threaten to leave the hospital for this (because they’re assholes), but Erwin threatens to fire them in response and it usually shuts them up. 

He often holds lectures in the hospital auditorium. With a mind and voice like his, people are so drawn in by him. He advocates for nursing staff, for reimbursement when continuing their education, better staffing, parking, etc. He makes nice with doctors and gets them to sign petitions for the nurses to get these things. He’s a bit manipulative He’s also a fantastic manager and director, he’s really good at negotiating things. The nurses and residents all love him because he rounds on every ICU frequently, brings food, and asks them how he can help. He can be a bit daunting because of his height and deep voice but once he starts talking to you, you just get sucked in. All around an absolute king. 

Hange: This character reminds me of a trauma surgeon and intensivist (ICU doctor) we have, Dr. Omi. A great surgeon, really really smart, but takes absolutely NO bullshit. She will yell at you if you freeze during intubating. She wants you to recite every step before you take it, otherwise she’ll take the tube from you and do it herself. In surgery, she’s the same way. She wants you to learn, but by her standards. If she asks a question, you better know the answer or fess up right away, she doesn’t like the “uhms” of uncertainty as you try to search for a shitty response. Either you know it or you don’t. And if you don’t, she’ll teach you. Yeah she can be rough around the edges, but she’s got a big heart. She loves her trauma team. She buys them breakfast and gives them funny personalized gifts. One time, she bought an apply tree for Mikasa and brought it to her car at the end of a shift. Mikasa forgot to plant it and it died in her backseat. Hange will sometimes ask, “Mikasa, how’s your apple tree growing?” and Mikasa will lie through her teeth. “It’s growing!” Fess up, Mikasa. Those google search apple trees are starting to look familiar.

All around Hange loves to work and teach. She is a wonderful trauma surgeon and has saved tons of lives.  

[destinyc1020]

"toxic environment for themselves"

This ^^^ here.

I dont like talking about them but lemme say this if any antis or blogs are spying... y'all need to move on.... log off. Sorry if this is disrespectful but from what ive seen the blogs are a group of people enabling each others coping mechanisms. Its so unhealthy. They're desperate to reassure eachother theyre not really together but they're dreading everytime they go online incase there's more tea that they've to spin it into some nonsense to sooth themselves. Now I dont feel bad cause most are horrible to tom or straight up racists but I think there's a point to be made. If anything stresses you out to this level on social media please log off. It happened when tomdaya first broke up many people had to take a break and tbh theres a few tomdayas that could probably take a break and not stress so much over when they're gonna see eachother next or this or that. Stanning someone is meant to be fun. Its meant to take you away from the stress of your life. If that's not the case anymore (which i think is actually quite common) then you need to step back. I see it all the time in the tom fandom. Fans constantly stressing about his roles, what people are saying about him etc. Its become extremely common to get obsessive and attached to things and people whether its a comfort thing or social media giving us so much information on a person we feel like we know them but I think its so important for people to become self aware and learn their limit. I wishhhh stans would learn this it would cause them so many less headaches and arguments. Why spend all day arguing if a couple is real or not? Why spend the day trying to prove them wrong? Why waste your life arguing with randomers on whos the best spider-man or why toms movies aren't bad or why zendaya isn't operated etc. Being a fan of someone should be about enjoying their content and sharing your love for them with others not to become their army and attack anyone who says boo about them. Apologies this became an essay its just something that I've noticed and it's really been bothering me. Its hard to have fun in a fandom that spends me time arguing with people then hyping up their fav

Thank you Anon for saying this!   I agree  💯%!   You brought up so many good points about Antis/Trolls. Like you said, most of them are trying to console themselves (in an unhealthy way btw) by trying desperately to disprove or discredit a legitimate relationship btwn 2 people, instead of just taking the L, MOVING ON, and simply being happy for them.  

I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to be an anti/troll right now.  I would feel constantly on edge rotfl.   It would be a depressing existence let me tell you.  It’s way too much mental and emotional energy to try to negate something, instead of just letting what’s meant to be to just BE.   

As for Tom Stans/Z Stans or Tomdaya Stans..... I agree with you on this also!  Stanning/fangirling over someone is supposed to be fun and light-hearted.  If you find that it is causing you a lot of anxiety, depression, anger, or uneasiness, then whew chillle....You either need to step AWAY from the fandom for a bit and focus more on yourself and your own life, OR, maybe it’s best to stan or be a fan of someone else.  😔 

Being a fan of someone should never be hard work or make you feel anxious/upset/angry/argumentative.  If it’s making you feel that way, then it’s a problem.  It might be best to not take people’s opinions (especially online)  too seriously.  Opinions are like belly buttons... Everyone has them, and a lot of them stink lol. 😂    I understand that you want to defend your fave (and some people’s hatred online really does cross the line and is very hurtful and uncalled for), but honestly, those people’s opinions don’t mean much in the long run. 

Just focus on the POSITIVE fans, and focus on your fave.  There will always be haters out there, but don’t focus on them.  You will be happier focusing on people who appreciate your fave and their work. JMHO   

[vanillatalc]

i do feel quite low atm + cried on ben about it for a while earlier

he had to request that i talked about it again and im continually frustrated by myself for forcing a distance that doesnt need to be there - like literally what is the purpose? he has to ask me all the time to not write my problems on tumblr INSTEAD OF talking to him about them irl. and i just find it so fucking hard to talk irl?! :/ i guess the solution is not to just refuse to do things that are hard for me tho (as usual) so i did talk to him about it

im continually stressed / triggered i suppose by this bullshit w/ my sister and the knowledge we’re going back to my parents for christmas has compounded that a lot bc im terrified of my mum commenting on my body, and im terrified of being compared to my extremely thin sister, and i have been weighing myself 2x a day to check that the number is going down rather than up. i did tell ben this and he was immediately in favour of throwing the scales out but i feel that id be more anxious if i didnt know the number. i know how this all sounds, and it sounds like that bc that’s how it is. it’s already a deeply sad + unhealthy mindset to be in, but i don’t know how to get out of it. i’m fine + eating normally, but im sad that i’m doing this again. (by ‘this’ i mean weighing myself in the morning and evening + thinking constantly about my weight + body) and ashamed :(

also as ive mentioned i feel very battered by the relationship OCD + the gay thoughts OCD (lol irl at that phrase but like... it’s what it is) and i spent a while last night doing absolutely stupid shit in response - like reading all these articles about comphet, measuring my index and ring finger WITH A RULER bc of that study that suggested lesbians are more likely to have a longer ring finger than index finger. and just like being totally batshit about it. ben asked for a list of thoughts but going into detail about that specifically just felt Not Doable so ill probably do my usual thing of writing him an email about it lol. im not a fucking lesbian holy shit! the absolute irrationality!!! i did also do some googling + found a number of bisexual women in a similar thought spiral which was quite interesting - the same kind of shit - terrified of being a victim of comphet, terrified of their relationship not being ‘valid’, terrified of not being ‘true to themselves’. i guess i have to wonder how many of them actually have gay thoughts OCD and how many of them genuinely are victims of comphet bc i do bet it’s a non-zero number. however that’s not a very helpful thought for me specifically lol

plus this latest chess bullshit is also just like depressing me to my core bc i have to spend a significant portion of my online life in a group w/ people who like even if previously i thought they had my back they clearly fucking dont. i do think some of them do, but i thought the mod i talked about yesterday did as well so like fucking hell maybe none of them actually do :| and that’s a really desperately sad thought to have when i do despite my understanding of the situation desperately want to be around to help improve the chess situation wrt women. its just fucking sad and too depressing to even think too much about

anyway. i daresay this is kind of all due to the shit about my sister at its core bc i feel like i was fine before that all kicked off. i am gonna think of another diorama to complete bc i always feel much much happier when im working on an art project + i havent been doing one since i finished the last one, and i think i’ll feel much better once i start up something else. other than that: i dunno, just gonna keep keeping on

[funeral-junkie]

hey guys im not feeling too well and i wanted to rant about it bc i feel like im being eaten alive with how much im struggling mentally and emotionally.

im extremely depressed and stressed and just full of anxiety and existential dread all the fucking time now and at this point all im trying to do is cope with it by ignoring it and bottling it up to go about my day trying to atleast be calm about it but really i just feel like im drowning.

i take meds, mood stabilizers anyway for bipolar 1 and this doesn't feel like a depressive episode or anything but first off this is problem #1. my psychiatric doctors always pledge that any time im feeling down it's time to increase my meds to try and force my brain into calm and honestly im insulted by it,, i always have been. they treat any situation that i actually feel anything as a call to increase my meds and essentially try to bring me down and out of whatever it is I'm going through. i just feel like i can't be a whole person to my doctor's who actually feels things like a normal person instead of everything that riles me up in one way or another is immediately tied to my bipolar and it has to be treated. im on some heavy doses of mood stabilizers and they are fine and dandy and they do usually help with how i feel if it gets to be swinging into too extreme,, and my doctors are good, i don't blame them for having a watchful eye since im known to have frequent and intense episodes, but for this it just doesn't seem to cover it and i don't know what to do since my whole life has just been meds meds meds to try and sedate anything that I feel.

one thing that stresses me out and gives me a lot of anxiety is working. im constantly going between jobs just because i also have fibromyalgia, and fibromyalgia really kicks me in the ass especially now with all my stress, and trying different jobs to see if something will stick is utterly exhausting and painful. one thing that breaks my heart about the last two jobs ive been at given that i am now unemployed since i had to quit, is that i constantly get told im not fast enough. i will literally kill myself it feels like for these jobs, and it seems that even trying my very best is not worth other people's time since everyone else's best is so much more valuable to my superiors. it just hurts me, and the idea that to get out of my toxic household, and going to university, and putting into savings for important future things, i will have to work 2 jobs whether i like it or not, whether i get so stressed out i flare up or not, because ultimately i can't afford not to work 2 jobs with how expensive things are and the idea that one job alone isn't going to cut shit and that i will have to work myself to death until i probably die is where the existential dread comes in. my bar is so low for what i view my ideal future is and i think it's embarrassing. i feel embarrassed when my dreams are supposedly just normal things to attain when to me they feel impossible. im REALLY embarrassed about my extreme buyers guilt for anything i purchase that's necessary for my health just because i should be saving and not wasting my money. it's terrible and i hate it.

ive been having this really big problem with dissociation and derealization lately too - probably tied to my depression and anxiety issues that ive been sadly going through, and it is not fun. quite frankly, it just makes me more depressed and anxious. every day seems like it passes in a blink, and honestly if something happened twenty minutes ago i wouldn't be able to remember it hardly at all since it just seems like at time i look back in it it's a blur from how fast i feel time is moving. at this point, i have absolutely zero concept of time. it feels that anything that happened didn't really happen, everything doesn't feel real when it's actually going on, and im stuck in this liminal space it feels where im not real, but the world isn't real either, so what is the middle ground? it doesn't even feel like there is one at this point.

just to throw this in there i have a severe citrus allergy and i hate that i can't drink orange juice or lemonade without going into anaphylaxis.

thank you for listening.

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

[fairycosmos]

So im going to be doing psychiatric inpatient tomorrow and im horribly frightened. My s.o. and friends want me to go, but the idea of being trapped without home comforts and the people I love scares me so much Ive considered running away from the hospital or convincing them I dont need it. I know that my depression and psychosis is getting worse and I probably need the help, but im upset that the people I care about would rather send me away than just, be supportive. Any advice?

hey love. well first of all i just want to say that i’m really fucking proud of you for reaching out in the first place. that’s literally a monumental step to take, and it requires unbelievable strength, which you obviously have. honestly, i think that you’re allowed to be scared. you’re completely allowed to not want to go, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. fear of the unknown, of change, of talking about what’s going on in your head, of not being around your family - those are all stressful experiences, and terror is a natural human reaction to them. you dont have to push it away, you’re not wrong for feeling it. it would be weird if you weren’t afraid, actually, especially at this point. it’s alright to just process it, and to work through it one hour at a time. or one minute at a time, if an hour seems like too much. but it’s not alright to let these emotions control you completely, or to let them blind you, or to cope with them in an unhealthy way. that’s the distinguishing line - it’s the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. the truth is, you don’t know what it’s going to be like. when you’re overly anxious, your mind kind of convinces you that negative thoughts are 100% true, but that’s not the case. your worries are not premonitions. the future doesn’t even exist yet, it’s not something that is currently in your control. while the hospital will probably be sad and uncomfortable, it’s likely that it will also be relieving and peaceful. you have to take the good with the bad, and let that be enough. think of the worst case scenario, and the best case scenario, and prepare yourself for it turning out to be somewhere in the middle, in actuality. it’s wonderful that you can recognize that you actually do need help. the level of self awareness you have could save your life. that’s a tangible fact that you can hold on to. when your brain tries to tell you that you dont need to talk to anyone, or when the anxiety takes over, you can always ground yourself in reality. and the reality of it is that you’re not well. but support is available, and your current situation is not where you’ll always be. you’re not alone. there’s no shame in needing treatment, you know? your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and sometimes it needs intense care in order to improve, just like any other bodily ailment. please, please try to constantly bring your mindset back to looking after yourself. please try to keep that your top priority, even when you don’t feel capable, even when you’re afraid. you’re not going to regret doing what’s right for you, ever. it sounds cliche, and it sounds like bullshit, and maybe it’ll take a while before you actually believe me but eventually, you will. seeking professional guidance and truly looking into your options will allow you to figure out the root causes of your mental illness, which will then allow you to finally confront them adequately. having someone to talk to consistently, working closely with people that are trained specifically to help you, figuring out your own self destructive patterns and then actively working on refuting them - all of that will add up. every single effort you make is going to pay off.  your future self is going to thank you.

i know it may seem like the people that care about you are just ‘sending you away’, and i can certainly see why your mind would want you to believe that. but i really do think that they think that putting you in hospital is going to help you more than it will hurt you. they want you to be safe and healthy so that they can spend more time with you in the future, and so you dont have to live with all of the pain and heaviness that you’ve been living with so far. a depressive brain will ALWAYS make it look like everyone is sick of you, or like nobody understands, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. of course, i dont know what the dynamic is like with your family, but i’m certain that there are at least some people in your life that are genuinely doing this with good intentions. i’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you do, because i can 100% understand why you perceive the situation like that, i’m just saying there is more than one side to it. it’s not as black and white as just wanting to ‘send you away’, you know? in addition, you’ll be amazed at your own ability to adapt and to grow and to improve. if you’re honest with the professionals, and if you’re willing to just give it a go, then that’s what matters the most. the simple act of trying is more than good enough, man. not having home comforts, and not seeing your family as much will obviously be very upsetting. that’s to be expected, therefore it’s something you can prepare yourself for. something you can work through. you can come to terms with it at your own pace, in your own way. you will learn how to handle it because you have the tools to do so, and that’s really all you need. running away from the hospital wont change anything, and convincing people that you’re okay when you’re not could have disastrous consequences, and is also rather unlikely. it’s clear that the best choice you can make at this moment in time is to  put yourself first utterly and completely. even before your own fear. it’s a lot easier said than done, i know. and since it’s the day before you have to go, this is the worst it’s going to be in terms of how scared you are. but you dont want to look back in a few months or a few years and regret not grabbing the opportunity to get help when it was right in front of you. and that fact is far more important than any temporary emotional turmoil that you’re dealing with. it may help to talk to your parents or a family member/friend about how you’re feeling tonight, so that you dont need to carry the worry all on your own. 

again, i’m extremely proud of you. and i think you’re going to do so so well. you just need to give yourself a fair chance, that’s all. this process isn’t supposed to be easy or comforting, especially not at first, but it’s also not going to be anywhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be. i’m sorry angel, i get that it’s difficult, and i wish there was something i could actually do for you. but i’m rooting for you so so much. you’re strong, capable, worthy and loved. and you’re a good person. even if you cant see it at the moment. your happiness and mental well being is so important. the hospital stay isn’t going to last forever, but what you learn there might. i’m sending you all of the love in my heart. i seriously hope you’re able to find the peace that you deserve. i’ll keep you in my thoughts. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about it properly. hit me up any time.

[mediocracy-in-love]

organizing my thoughts:

if i have sex-

because of my medication, everything is up in the air. if i have sex i could potentially get turned off/want to stop because of a mood drop in the middle. although if we risk this and it doesn’t happen, i’ll feel close to you and safe with you and we’ll have a good experience that makes us both happy. the issue is that this is getting more and more regular where i need to stop and that’s frustrating for you, also the more i experiment with you & these meds the more you think i’m using you. but you were who i lost my virginity to and i never want to take away sex. we both enjoy it when it’s good and we both deserve to have good sex.

if we don’t have sex-

i will literally feel guilty and like i’m missing out. i’ll feel stupid because i’ll feel like a pussy. i’ll constantly think that you are secretly wishing you could get something out of me even if that isn’t the case; and that’s not even because of anything you do. and even if i do get horny and decide i wanna do stuff, you probably won’t even want to at that point because you’ll be so worried ab me crashing. and what if we finally decided to do stuff and i did?? i feel like you’re giving up on me. your tone lately makes it seem like you’re giving up on me sexually and i know it’s hard not to but i’m trying to balance all of this stuff on my plate right now. i guess the only pro is that we wouldn’t have conflict about it; but i don’t think the constant internal conflict i would have makes it worth it.

if we go with the flow-

if we go with the flow, that could work but there’s also a chance it won’t. if you ask and i don’t want to, i’ll feel bad but i’ll tell you the truth and vise versa. but i do feel like if i continue to say no more and more often, eventually you will get frustrated with the situation and i will have the same internal conflict as if we just didn’t have sex at all. besides that this idea seems pretty okay.

possible solutions-

right now i’m thinking of some solutions, but it’s very hard to think of. the only solutions i can think of are a couple of options. 1) i will talk to my therapist about this when i get a lot more comfortable talking to her about stuff like this. 2) i will watch videos about other people with similar issues for ideas on what to do and we can try some of those. the only fault with that is that i don’t want you to feel like i’m using you, which i’m about to get into.

me using you convo-

let me start this out by saying i am absolutely not using you and i’m so incredibly sorry if you feel that way. i’d do anything and i absolutely will do anything to fix that. i want to fix that and i will fix that regardless of whatever goal we end up following through with regarding all of this. i am never using you, i just figured you knew that i was trying to figure things out FOR you. of course i enjoy sex, but as you know i’m not a super sexual person so i don’t NEED it. i enjoy it but i don’t NEED it. i know you don’t either; but i know you enjoy it a lot. we both know it’s an extremely personal thing and i want to share that bond and closeness with you. i am not just experimenting with you for my own enjoyment, if i wanted to do that id masturbate. i always kinda thought of it like a team effort because i’d tell you beforehand that i’m gonna try it but it may not work out. please correct me if i’m wrong but again i’m so saddened by the fact that you could possibly think that and i really really feel absolutely horrible for it. let me know if there’s anything i can do to make you feel better or more comfortable with me. i am slightly uncomfortable with the idea of testing out different things to see if i will be more comfy during sex and less in my head now because of this, but i’m not giving up hope unless you do. i’m sorry again.

you using me convo-

by no means do i actually think you’re using me. but in the back of my head i always think you’re disappointed or wishing you could get sex from your girlfriend who you’ve been dating for several months who you’ve already gotten sex from. also like,, my trauma wasn’t even that bad with my ex’s ive just felt used before and it makes me really anxious, so i get worried that you think that’s just me being dramatic or something even though the logical part of my brain knows that’s not true. i really really am trying to fix my mental health not only for me but for US. i want us to have a good relationship with all aspects of it that are wanted, and i am determined to get there, but we need to have conversations and you need to bear with me.

final end goal-

coming to conclusion, i think the best idea is that we have genuinely long conversations about solutions based on everything and i mean EVERYTHING i just wrote along with your feelings about all of it. in the end, if you think it’s best for YOU that we stop entirely i totally respect that, but i am 100% willing to keep trying and using different methods i find online or something so we can enjoy this again. i want to enjoy this again and i’m really gonna do some studying to keep this stress free. until i do some research, i personally think we should only do stuff when i’m stable for the whole day and have thought it out for a couple seconds alone to make sure there will likely be no complications.. but if i slip and there is some, please don’t give up on me. my biggest fear is you giving up on me. that’s a wrap on this info.

so restating what i said, the final thing that i think we should do (if you disagree i totally understand and i’m willing to talk about it of course, sex and everything having to do with it is very personal and intimate), is that we should avoid sex & stuff having to do with it (unless i’m a stone top) until i have time to research and find some ways to cope with my own stuff. i think we should only try a couple things a few times so you don’t feel used and i will double check 500 times with you from now on to make sure you are okay with me trying out a couple things. and i’m restating this, i want you to know what i’m doing is not to try stuff out to see if i have sexual abilities still, it’s so me and you can have intimacy without me being uncomfortable because it makes us both happy. the only exception would be if i was extremely stable/extremely horny and confident that it would work out.

if you disagree let me know. i hope you’re taking care of yourself right now, i’ll come in shortly. i love you always, sex or not.

[wasabiwabie]

╮(＾▽＾)╭

About Me Tag

tagged by @hobigolightly, ty!!💕 

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

hm ive been tagging so many ppl lately so im just gonna tag @can-angels-fall-in-love and @oursparklinghearts (im pretty sure @suganochu did this before so i just tagged u in case u havent n also to say ilysm)

2ND RULE: Fill in the categories

appearance: 5′4″ (i grew a bit hehe), pretty much a stick. i just got a haircut so i have a medium bob, all black now that the dyed ends got cut off. dark brown almond-shaped eyes, slight button nose, straight-ish eyebrows. i have small dimples sometimes. lots of beauty marks. mm i wear a lot of black n im a huge fan of high-waisted wide-leg jeans and oversized t-shirts

personality: rly quiet but im loud with ppl i know. usually sad n anxious, especially during school but also just in general. i tend to avoid conflict but i definitely stand up for myself if i need to. i can see through ppl rly well bc i overanalyze so i get annoyed/irritated by ppl rly often (esp. college guys). extremely sarcastic. emotionally constipated but i have lots of love to give. not good at taking compliments esp. when it’s about my art. my mind runs a million mph. constant inner dialogue. im super lazy when it comes to self-care, someone pls come take care of me im a mess

ability: uh im an ok artist but im hoping to get better, decent vocals, somewhat smart ig, tbh i love writing essays but i suck at fiction (fic writers amaze me)

hobbies: drawing/animation, reading, video games, online shopping, learning stuff (like computer languages and actual languages)

experiences: mm im guessing this is about any specific experiences i had that were important or smth? all i can say is that finding animation was an actual blessing for me bc i rly felt like i was just going through the motions in my science/math classes. since ive always been good at that stuff it was just comfortable, i guess? then animation came along n it was something new n challenging and i knew nothing about it. so now animation is my dream, and even though i have a lot more stress i also have something that i rly want to do with my life

my life: i go to school in Cali but i live in Colorado, currently majoring in biomedical engineering and minoring in animation. im hoping to get an MFA in animation after i graduate. tbh i hated highschool so i noped out of there by skipping senior year (so im technically a highschool dropout). i rly dont have a life outside of school so not much to say. as far as my daily life goes, im constantly studying n i only go outside for classes n food. 

relationships: *tumbleweed drifts by* 

random stuff: i love noodles ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌ i also love my mutuals, but @suganochu owns my entire heart 

[jisoos-wife]

50 facts you probably don't know about me.

I got bored/ couldn't sleep so this happened. 1- i have severe anxiety that manifests in nervous ticks. 2- im impulsive and change my mind constantly. 3- in middle school i was in drama club and used to write plays. 4- i have 3 full brothers. 2 step brothers. And 1 step sister. 5- i can't cross my eyes. 6- my nails are always painted. It makes me anxious when they arent. 7- i have 5 tattoos. 8- i bite my lip when im nervous/anxious and have made myself bleed by doing it on accident. 9- i have bipolar depression. And it sucks. 10- while i come off as loud and extroverted on tumblr, in real life im much more contained and introverted. 11- im afraid of the dark 12- ive been sexually assaulted by 2 different people. 13- i can count the number of people i consider friends on 1 hand. 14- i grew up in the Mormom church, and was the last member of my family to have my name removed from the church records. 15- i first got into kpop in 2009, but in late 2012 i stopped keeping up with it and didn't get back into kpop until January of 2016. 16- i don't believe in a single 'god' figure. Im not atheist, i just dont think there is one all mighty god who judges us. 17- i don't drink milk. 18- my favorite animals are guinea pigs and sloths. 19- i struggle with self confidence, and have times where i genuinely dont like myself. 20- ive only ever felt a sexual attraction to one person. 21- i have never been grounded. 22- ive kept a journal consistently since i was 13, and have them all in a box. To this day, i still write in my journal at least once a week. 23- im allergic to strawberries and bees. 24- i can make my tongue look like a 4 leaf clover. Its pretty cool. 25- my first celebrity crush was on Natalie Portman circa star wars episode 1. To this day, i still have a crush on her. 26- im secretly a huge nerd and love watching documentaries. 27- my favorite documentaries are about the British royal family. I love queen Elizabeth. 28- i don't cry in front of anyone. To this day i think the only person who has seen my cry is my mom. 29- i paint and crochet to relieve stress. Sometimes i will crochet an entire blanket and unravel it just to do it again. It's very therapeutic. 30 - i only make blankets for people im close to. A handmade blanket is very personal for me, so if ive made you one, there's a reason. 31- i believe in soulmates. Both platonic and romantic. 32- i believe you can be in love with more than one person at a time. 33- i still sleep with a stuffed animal. It changes, but currently i have a giant stuffed sloth that i sleep with. 34- i have insomnia, and the longest ive gone without sleeping is 4 days. 35- i love blankets. Even in the summer i always have at least 2 on my bed. To me its comforting to have them. 36- I got drunk at my cousins wedding, and started my maid of honor speech with "this bitch right here" and pointed at my cousin. 37- evem though im 22, and know how to, i dont drive. It makes me so anxious that i cant focus. Maybe one day I'll get over it. 38- for years i wouldn't let anyone touch me without asking. And even then i usually said no. But now i crave physical affection. 39- ive never been hungover. 40- i collect movie ticket stubs. 41- when something is wrong, i usually dont tell anyone because i dont want them to feel burdened by my problems. 42- i don't drink coffee. It makes me jittery and anxious. So i drink tea instead. 43- im the only person in my family other than my 2 younger brothers that has never smoked weed. 44- when i was 16 i dated someone who was 20. Not my best decision. 45- my emotions have 2 settings. I either feel every thing so intensely it scares me. Or I don't feel anything. There is no middle ground. 46- people scare me. Im afraid to let people in because i don't want to love them and have them decide they don't want the burden of being close to me. Its happened too many times to count. 47- im extremely close to my younger brothers. I would do anything for them. 48- im anemic, and it affects me almost daily. 49- my favorite foods are sushi, and popcorn. And also pancakes. 50- my biggest regret is that i spent years being the person i thought everyone else wanted me to be instead of being who i wanted to be. So im making up for it by doing things that make me happy. I no longer crave their approval.

[enstarsrequests-blog]

hi um ,, im sorry to ask for this but ive had a hugely bad day and ended up almost running away from home but ,, can i request um HCs about Knights and how they'd handle an S/O w/ psychosis or really strict, tempermental parents ,,? or anything abt Knights tbh i love them theyre my babies

I had to go to this request right when i saw it,,, Don’t feel bad for asking!

I’m not that good at helping people in situations like this aa;; I usually get yelled at for being too positive,, but if you need help please just ask ! Just know I’m optimistic, and I mostly try to cheer people up rather than calm them down ,, But I hope you feel better ;; something good will happen to you, I promise! You just gotta keep fighting !! I’m here if you need me, okay? I know it’s hard to deal with these things, especially if you don’t have anyone that can help,, I hope these cheer you up a bit !!

Leo:

He’s extremely protective. He’s normally happy and cheerful like normal, but the moment their parents act up, he’ll immediately stand up to them, puffing out his chest as he stands protectively in between them and their parents. At these times, it’s suddenly obvious why he’s seen as a king.

Having been through a state of depression himself, he’d rather die than have his s/o experience something similar. He’ll do absolutely everything in his power to keep them happy.

Without even asking sometimes, he’ll just appear at their house overnight to sleep with them. He claims that he could tell something was wring from the “waves” they were sending out. If things look extra bad, he’ll drag them away to sleep at his house instead.

He always knows just how to cheer them up- whether it be through his antics, affection, anything; he always somehow makes them feel more optimistic. But he also knows when to just stay quiet, holding them close.

Sena:

He’s constantly worried about them. Seeing as how depressed they can get from their parents, he’s afraid that they might hurt themself, or by their parents. He’ll often call or text them whenever he gets too anxious about their well being, and he always makes them promise to tell him when something’s wrong.

If their parents do anything to them while he’s over, he’ll step in front of them and boldly tell their parents to stop, before taking them out of the house. He tends to be a little rude to their parents, but he couldn’t care less.

He’s not that good at consolation, but he’s willing to listen to their troubles. He’ll hold them close while promising he’ll never let them go. “In a few years, when I make enough money, we can have you move out. Then we can live together, and this’ll all be over,” he assured them. It’s a common thing for him to say. He’s doing his best to save as much money as possible, hoping he can make enough to allow them both to move out together.

Arashi:

Arashi is always able to cheer them up somehow. He’ll listen to them whenever they need it, and will offer all the consolation he can give. Seeing them down makes him down.

Usually he tries to take their mind off it. He’ll constantly take them out on dates, spending the day laughing together. That way they fele more energized when they get home; they’ll probably be able to deal with whatever may be coming better that way.

Arashi always calls them before bed, to make sure they’re alright. And he can tell if they’re lying. He’ll panic a bit if they come with bad news, and he’ll often stay on the phone with them for hours. He offers to stay until they fall asleep, or even let them come over, or go over to their place if they feel they need him there. He’ll do his best to make sure they’re happy, even with everything going on.

Ritsu:

Normally, Ritsu is tired and lazy, refusing to do anything. But the moment their parents do anything “irrational,” he’ll suddenly snap awake. He’ll ignore their parents, dragging them away. Often to go to his place to nap. What could be a better pick me up than letting Ritsu spoon them until they fall asleep?

Even when it seems like he’s not listening to them, I can assure you that he soaks in every word that comes from their mouth. If they ever start crying in his company, he’ll move to lick their tears away. Tears are slightly salty, like blood, so he likes the taste. Though he still doesn’t like when they cry, no matter how tasty it might be.

More often than not, they spend their nights together. Ritsu normally sleeps during the day, but he makes sure to kepe his phone beside him in case they call. As big of a baby as he can be, he’ll always baby them if they need it.

Suou:

Suou always gets extremely frustrated when he sees them down. He blames himself for it. He thinks that he’s unable to keep them happy. But he doesn’t really know what to do when their parents go off at them. He’ll panic a bit, before interrupting them and taking his s/o away.

When they feel down, Suou is quick to take them out to eat. He’ll buy them sweets, take them to a bakery, ice cream parlor, mostly places with sweets. Since he has a stress eating habit that normally helps him, he wants to believe that it’ll help them as well.

He tends to panic when they come to him for comfort, but he’ll always be willing to listen. He’ll spoil them with gifts and affection, hoping that he can be of any help. He never minds if they want to sleep at his place, to get them out of the atmosphere at their house. He admits that he’s not that good at keeping them happy, but he does a lot better than he thinks. And he always tries his best.

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i���ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[findingkaraskye]

IV: An Update

Admittedly, I have been absent for quite some time. It’s been a couple weeks since my last post, and I feel like whoever reads this (if anyone reads this) deserves an update on why I have been MIA. 

I’ve had people already asking me where I’ve been and why I haven’t gone out in a while, and to be honest, I’m having a hard time. Yes, I am on medication. I’ve been on medication for a little over a month now, but I’m still not feeling 100 percent. 

A good thing is that I’m not having those really dark thoughts anymore. I am appreciating my time in the present, and enjoying the extra time I’m spending with my family and my dog and doing things I enjoy. I did have a couple really hard days where I just kept crying and felt extremely alone and couldn’t control my emotions. But I am having good days too where I am laughing so much that my stomach aches, and where I’m just out and about all day enjoying my time. 

The problem with why I’ve been so absent, is that despite the absence of the darker days and me feeling happier with my time, I just feel empty. I did a bit of reading on this, and other people with the same medication as me call it the “Zoloft Zombie”. I’ll be with people I love and I just feel so hollow in my chest and my mind. And I know I’m enjoying my time, but I can’t help feeling this emptiness. I feel like I’m just drifting in and out of each day, and that each day passes too quickly for me to even realize, and I feel numb. Numb to things that used to make me laugh and cry and react to. The empty feeling really took over Sunday night and I sobbed and cried so much until my mom was holding me in her arms and my siblings sat around me worried. I cried out that I felt so weak, and my mom kept telling me, “no, you're strong, you’ve always been strong,” and I continued to deny it and cry. I feel that I’ve always been a strong person for my family, especially after my parents divorced and my father went to jail. As a preteen, I helped my single mother raise and take care of all my younger siblings, and since then, I’ve always put pressure on myself to always take care of them and be the tough one for them. So feeling like this really took a toll on me. My dog kept trying to lick my tears to comfort me which I thought was adorable afterwards, but I felt so incredibly empty. And alone. With so much love around me, I still felt this way. And I hate it so much. 

On another note, the nausea has not faded. I deal with it every day. I try to avoid it by taking my medicine at night so that I can sleep through the strongest of the nausea, but it lingers during the next day. I still make sure I eat regularly and healthy, but at times I still need to force myself to eat to combat the nausea. A good thing is that I haven’t thrown up. What I am worried about is that the side effects are still affecting me to the point that I feel like I am not functioning like I used to. My energy levels are low, and I feel too tired and exhausted to exercise like I used to. And I have headaches constantly. And all these problems concerning my physical health are making more stressed and anxious. Because as I mentioned in a past post, I do still have and experience anxiety about my body image. And I believe all this stress is causing me to have nightmares almost every night. I wake up multiple times in the middle of the night from a scare, or I hear myself cry out in fear. 

I’ve also been very sad and stressed because of a family matter. My mom has openly spoken about this, but my grandpa who I’ve always been extremely close with was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last year. And we’ve been informed that he probably only has a couple weeks left of his life from this point. He’s someone who has taught me to be strong and fearless and courageous, and I just feel like I’m failing him with the way I am right now. I wish I could go into more detail about my relationship with him, but it is hard, and I don’t want to cry more. 

So yes, this update is to let those of you who actually read this, that I am still here breathing and alive. I won’t let myself go from something like this. But it has been hard to be strong when I feel like I’m taking a step forward with medication and treatment, but also two steps backward with the side effects. But I’m doing my best to find myself, and I hope to be off this horrible medication after half a year.

[livingthatlibrarylifestyle]

DEALING WITH STRESS AND ANXIETY WHILE STUDYING

I have found that studying and having certain expectations placed on you by both yourself and others causes a lot of stress and often a lot of anxiety too. While I have not yet mastered how to chill out to a point where I am completely calm, I have developed a few techniques which I thought I could share to try and help others out there.

When I have a lot of things going on in my life, both personal and study-wise, I get a lot of anxiety and stress over the smallest of things. I feel myself constantly worrying about any and everything. And when one thing works itself out I worry about it all over again from a completely different angle. If I had a test coming up I would worry about whether I had enough time to study, and when I had studied as much as I could have I still worried that I could’ve done more. Even once I had written the test and felt I had done ok, I would worry all over again and doubt my own assessment of how it had gone. This has been a constant theme to my studying and it has fed into my personal life.I stress about everything, and worry so much that I am going to fail that I feel anxious constantly.

Not only has this effected my physical health (it effects my eyesight, and my fingers go numb from not breathing enough) it has also effected my mental health. This is too often not spoken about in the studying community. We are all so ready to focus on pretty notes, neat hand writing, and aesthetic desk layouts but we are too silent on what goes on behind the scenes.

Dealing with anxiety is a really common issue amongst a lot of students of all ages. As many as 1 in 6 people are effected by an anxiety disorder. In my case I experience only a part of what those with an actual disorder do, so I can’t give advice on how to handle anxiety disorders (if you do suffer from and anxiety disorder or think you may please go speak to your Doctor about dealing with it, because telling yourself to relax is not going to work). 

But this is what I suggest for how to handle a stressful situation and periods of anxiety brought on from studying.

1. PLAN YOUR LIFE OUT TO A TEE My stress and anxiety stems from a feeling of not being in control of my own situation and pressure to achieve. This combo spikes my anxiety to a whole new level and I am always convinced I am going to fall on my face and fail. What I have found as my best tool to defeat this feeling is to plan out everything. I mean everything. I assign a time to everything I do, which motivates me to keep pushing myself to get everything I need to done but also helps me feel like I am in control of all the moving parts of my life and that its not the other way round. 

Plan your meals, your studying times, what you have to study, when you will take studying breaks and how long those will be and what you will do during them. Set out hourly, daily and weekly goals of what you need to achieve. Work backward starting with weekly priorities and then decide which ones you will do on what day. From there determine when in the day you will be able to set aside time to get this done. Seriously this works so well.

2. TALK ABOUT IT Vent! People around you will be going through similar things as you, especially your friends who are in your classes etc. Other people feel your stress too, even if its not the same they will be able to understand it and can reassure you. I often get so worked up about the smallest things in my mind and once Ive spoken to my friends about it I feel so much better. Its not even about what they suggest but more about being able to unload your worries. Plus sometimes the advice is usually pretty solid.

3. EXERCISE Stress and anxiety have physical as well as mental side effects. I usually have tonnes of pent up energy from all the adrenaline when I’m really anxious (anxiety is caused by your body not being able to processes it). So releasing your energy through running or doing some type of activity will help you not only release all that energy but can also help you clear your head and get some quiet time to yourself and your own thoughts.

4. KNOW THAT YOU AREN’T PERFECT Accept that you are not always going to be perfect, and that if you don't succeed you are not a failure but just a person. We all get it wrong sometimes, and cant do everything. You might not get that A or even pass a test. You might forget to do something on time or wont study enough as you could have. Don’t be so harsh on yourself, because you don't need to be your own worst enemy. While its great to have high expectations for yourself, as this helps you achieve your goals, it is extremely self-destructive to tear yourself apart if you get something wrong.

5. SET OUT GOALS Create a vision board of your goals, aims or wishes. Stick it up somewhere you can see it often, as a visual reminder every day of what you are working toward is a great motivator to help you understand why you are in the situation that you are. I get really stressed out with studying and sometimes want to give up because the pressure is too much, but when I see my goals set out in front of me it serves as a great reminder of why I feel that stress — I want to achieve my goals. And its that realisation that I find has a calming effect as thats when the determination kicks in.

6. REFRAME YOUR THINKING  By reframing your anxiousness and stress from a negative thing into a positive thing, you can be a more productive version of yourself. By looking at your worries in a different way you can channel your stress into a positive outcome. Use it as a motivating tool to work hard, rather than as a distraction. While this is something that people with anxiety disorders can’t just do, if you experience stress and anxiety like I do you are more in control of your state of mind than you think. I give myself a little pep talk and realign how I am viewing a situation. You are the one who knows yourself best, so naturally you should be able to motivate yourself using the stress as a catalyst.

I hope this helps you calm down and take back control over your feelings of anxiousness and stress. These techniques work for me, but please add more that find help you!