#ive done it once and ill do it again test me try it fucking try it :3

[princessmyriad]

.

[todayisafridaynight]

Dude ur cosplays are genuinely so good 😭. I don't think I could cosplay anyone from RGG because I look too fem for it, but you're killing it!

AW thanks fam that means a lot :']] tbh if you really want to cosplay a character, you should go for it! even if you dont plan to go anywhere or do anything crazy, even just putting on the outfits is pretty fun :]

[theevilicecreamsoda]

Try and fucking insult me I fucking dare you :3

[enlighten3d]

THEORY UPDATEEEE

im out fishing rn (edit: not anymore lol, im finishing typing this on pc, thank fuck) and i heard some Things about the kenadian stream.. wato has read our posts... so, hello wato! i swear im not THAT insane. anyway, we carry on as usual.... SO NOW: THE UPDATED THEORY ON WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THIS LORE !!

this is actually the third theory update, the other two just never survived for long enough bcs we kept finding new stuff lmao. but, heres my first theory (now very outdated), and here are the other two, copypasted from messages of me explaining the two unposted theories (feat. me speculating wildly as i do): theory 2, theory 3 (mind that both of these were formatted for discord which is why they may be odd)

okay so now! the fourth theory, yet again featuring wild speculation, now with the added spice of me having read too much mcyt fanfic! (that last part prolly makes no sense. dont worry abt it.)

in this theory, i am proposing that evil wifies is like, a LOT more evil, and has done a lot of fucked up Experimentation. which lead to void wifies. explanation below the cut (its prolly gonna be long again T-T) (also, as always: tons of wild speculation ahead. ill try to present all evidence but i forget what those outside of the gc know or dont):

okay so first off, as always, we assume that wato got the mask from killing ken during the train escape. then (evil) wifies somehow got the mask from wato at,, IDK, SOME POINT. before everything happened.

so wifies, corrupted by the power of the mask, starts faking escape rooms and invents cloning in order to do it. now hes evilfies (thank you wifies for calling him evilfies thats so much quicker to type than evil wifies)! and so evilfies, having invented cloning, starts fucking around and Experimenting like the mad scientist ive decided he is.

what does he next Experiment on? the mask! why? why the fuck not. he likes the power it gives him so he decides to somehow try and tie it to himself permanently. he does this by somehow merging a part of his code with that of the mask, and therefore unintentionally giving it sentience (somewhat). evilfies thinks this is fineeeee...

so, to test the constraints of this new form of the mask, evilfies puts the mask in a bunker of sorts, to see if the tie between him and the mask would remain. the bunker is a bedrock room...

also, at this point, evilfies has already asked wato to build that escape room for the video. so wato starts Planning it (and filming the tutorial video that we can assume exists in canon), doing so in the same world as all of evilfies stuff. why? bcs evilfies want to keep an eye on wato and the escape room build. also, why not. i am not discounting the idea that evilfies is forcing wato to build escape rooms for him yet.

so bcs its in the same world.. wato accidentally falls down a chute into the bunker where the mask has been placed (as seen in the wato yt short). now, i STILL cant explain what the fuck that snom is, but.. voidfies (void wifies, now with a shorter name!) is there (for anyone who hasnt seen @fncreatures post: voidfies is the weird void guy with the mask. yes thats wifies too.)... I WONDER WHY.

ysee, when evilfies tied part of his code to the mask, that code and the masks code ended up getting tied together, yeah? well the world needs some way to render the mask in the world (btw were getting into the way that realistic minecraft works in mcyt fanfiction now lmao). and when it reads the masks code, it sees that theres wifies code there too.. and renders the mask as being on wifies. ofc, the code is corrupted, so its not entirely wifies. its just.. the outline of him. the mask remains the only clear thing.

so wato falls down into the bunker where voidfies is, and voidfies/the mask attacks wato - hence the blood (redstone) on the ground. eventually wato makes it out of there, but.. but now he has the mask again. now the mask has control of them once again. oh noes,,, but yeah, the mask now being partially wifies code-wise is my explanation for wato wearing wifies clothes as well. the world just tries to partially render him as wifies and that results in her having the wifies clothes.

but, wato carries on! they keep building the escape room, mask or no. he finishes up the escape room, tells evilfies, and evilfies is like.. 'why the fuck do you have the mask'. yet again,, oh noes! oh well. this is an opportunity for more Experimentation! atp evilfies deserves the whole mad scientist getup, labcoat and goggles and all... but i digress. anyway, wato proceeds to disappear for the next little while. i wonder where they are !! definitely not, and i quote watos tumblr post, "an elaborate array of escape rooms". which i asSUME means the uhhh absurdly big one seen in but there was more. idfk what kind of Experimentation evilfies got up to, but.. we dont talk about it. definitely involved comparing wato to the wifies clones in some way tho, in order to explain wato having the wifies head on.

so anyway, the wifies and ken videos happen as per normal (this is why wato knew the servers ip when he gave it to ken!! cause shes trapped there!!), and then.. then evilfies teleports masked wato into the escape room right before the Confrontation happens.

now, all the Experimentation that evilfies has done has fucked up the masks code even further, and now wato along with it! to say his memories are Scrambled would be.. an understatement, id say. but now, with the masks code being even more fucked, it Glitches sometimes and like, loses the way it manifests (the clothes/wifies silhouette) or its control slips and wato can Think. however due to her memories being Scrambled, when the masks control slips once theyre inside the escape room, the last thing he can remember is falling into that hole where evilfies was. its always the last thing they can remember. every single time the mask Glitches, the last thing she remembers is that hole. its the Final Memory until the mask regains control

but either way, now inside the escape room with the masks control having slipped, wato is confused as FUCK as to where he is. wasnt he just planning this escape room? now its built? and completed (twice)? wild.. so they panic, but the mask unglitches and regains control. masked wato continues solving the escape room in order to get out, uses the wifies head to get out, the norm. but on the win platform,, masked wato Glitches again. this time, its a clothing glitch. LISTEN, THIS IS MY EXPLANATION FOR THIS. I MAY BE MAKING SHIT UP WITH THAT ONE, BUT ITS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO MENTION. either way, the Glitch happens then goes back to typical masked wato.

then.. things go as usual ! masked wato makes their way to evilfies evil lair, go up to his office, takes one of the wifies heads from the armour stands, put it on, and sits in evilfies chair. now, why, you ask? well... due to the mask being in control, and the mask being partially evilfies code right now, its reasonable to assume that itd have some sort of memory of sitting in that chair, right? that office belongs to the person whose code it is partially made out of. so it might feel like it belongs there. so masked wato sits there. then a Glitch or internal conflict of some sort happens. masked wato paces around, trying to resolve it, but fails and.. jumps out the window.

masked wato goes to the Array Of Escape Rooms that they prolly spent the last while in. its also where his spawnpoint prolly is (yet again, according to watos tumblr post. thank you, wato.), so i suppose the instinct to go there when in probable distress makes sense. there, at the Escape Room Array, wato.. somehow loses the mask. i dont know if she manages to somehow separate himself from it, but the mask is gone and is back to being its own separate being. however, due to wato having had the mask for a while and the code being Fucked Up, it takes a while for the world to stop rendering watos clothes are wifies clothes.

but as with all the other theories, there at the absurdly big escape room, is where ken finds wato, drags them back with her, and then ken and wifies Interrogate wato. watos memories are fucked up, doesnt remember anth concrete, he leaves to go on the 'looking around and having Flashbacks' adventure. during the interrogation, voidfies made its way back to the main area, and is Spying on them through the windows..

so after all this, wato is the one that gets evilfies evil clone factory. he owns it now (this is based off the same post that wato made across three platforms lmao)! woo! cleans the place up, sets her spawnpoint there, and yay they have a home [:

what happened to voidfies tho?

no clue.

BUT WITH ALL THAT OUT OF THE WAY, HAVE A TIMELINE/SUMMARY OF EVENTS ACCORDING TO THIS THEORY (gods i love tumblr having no wordlimit im so sorry abt the length of this post):

- wato gets the mask during the train escape - a long while before any of these videos, wifies gets the mask from wato, which compels him to be Evil and invent cloning in order to fake escape rooms - evilfies likes the mask and decides to tie his code to it via Experimentation, which gives the mask sentience and a physical form resembling wifies - to test if the mask stays tied to him, evilfies puts it in a bedrock chamber far away from him. wato, having been building and planning the escape room wifies commissioned on the same server, accidentally falls into this bedrock room, gets attacked, and the mask gets control of him. masked wato now has wifies clothes due to the world being unable to read the masks code properly - masked wato finishes building the escape room - evilfies finds out about wato having the mask now, and drags her off to the Array Of Escape Rooms for more Experimentation (possibly using her as a comparison point for the clone wifies, hence the wifies head (so he Blends In)) - wifies and ken videos happen - before the Confrontation, evilfies teleports masked wato into the escape room, where masked wato Glitches and the masks control slips. wato, their last memory being falling into that bedrock room, is confused as fuck. mask regains control, masked wato finishes the escape room using the wifies head, Glitches visually at the win platform, and makes his way to evilfies evil lair - at the evil lair, masked wato takes one of the wifies heads and put it on and sits in evilfies chair possibly due to the mask having residual evilfies memories from his code. then there is either a Glitch or internal conflict of some sort, and masked wato jumps out of the window - having made her way to the Escape Room (where his spawnpoint prolly is), wato manages to get rid of the mask - the world hasnt stopped rendering their clothes and those of wifies yet - and is found by ken - ken and wifies interrogate wato. wato does not remember many things. voidfies is Spying on them.. - wato goes on a bit of trip down flashback lane - wato gets ownership of the evil lair

thats that!

tldr: wato is FUCKED - now both on a memories AND code level! the mask is sentient and partially wifies, and no one know how fucked up stuff is

what this theory DOESNT explain: the White Blob (AGAIN. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING.), why theres a chute to the bedrock bunker if the door is the intended exit (we see wato go out through the door in the true creator), how on earth this theory would work if i hadnt read too much mcyt fanfic, when on earth wifies originally gets the mask from wato, how wato remembers 'building most of the escape room' when he got the mask before even starting to build it and hence not remembering building it (this one could be explained by saying her memories are coming back, actually).

is this theory probably wrong? once again: YES! do i care? not particularly! i am bullshitting! this is Wild Speculation!! its fun! evilfies deserves to be a mad scientist!

ty for reading this 2149 word post, and ty to the other members of the theorising gc! @brain-empty @fncreature and @viv-imus-illogic ! shoot me a dm with your discord username if you want to join o7

and.. thats that, yeah. im going to go cry now /nsrs

[lightofunova]

DONT MIND IF I DO i arrive precisiely on time like im pepsi man, and you cant expect pepsi man of all people to be anonyous

where do i START? thats the greatest hurdle thats been presented to me today. and, you know, as i send this, ive kind of come to a realization.. that, like??? 99% of our conversations are via my streams, and i feel like thats FUCKED UP thats my bad and i apologize for that. i need to make an effort to DM more because you are such a bright light!!! literally every time youve ever popped in, said hello and gone to work; every time you helped me in pokemon; or kept company on drawings- its the highlight of the day!!!!!

youre so exquisitely yourself, you know?

youre like... i dont know if this metaphor is gonna resonate with you, but youre like when theres a really tough day. the universe is testing you, and youre tired. you go, you sit down, and you pick up a familiar game where just its sight brings you comfort. resting back, you alight the game, and you just.. enjoy. thats what your energy is like. your presence is a comfort, and you brighten the day. youre good. youre just really good. thank you for being in this community and allowing us to partake in this silly adventure we call askblogging

also, i try to not play favorites, but bah gawd, reshi is definitely up there as one of my all times. such a great character whom i love unconditionally. youve done well, and i cant wait to enjoy more of the story you wish to tell, and i really appreciate the effort you put into it. its a delight and a blessing to enjoy your content. thank you again

NDJFJDBSBSB YOURE TOO KIND HONESTLY- Ill be honest sometimes I really dont feel like I deserve such sweet words from others haha, when I first read this I thought that for a moment. But honestly this really resonated with me once I reread it, it means alot to be surrounded by such amazing people who see me in such a wonderful light and enjoy me just being me? Sometimes I get worried that me being me feels kinda like,,,a third wheel LOL or like my ideas arnt as interesting or cool as others. But its people like you that really help build me up and get past all that.

Honestly seeing you stream can be such a highlight to my day and it gives me something to listen to while I’m busy drawing or going about my morning! Even thought we don’t talk in dms too much, it makes me happy to chat on stream and just chill cus the vibes are always immaculate haha.

And honestly oml the metaphor is just too kind 🥹🥹🥹 I completely know what you mean XD i’ve been there so many times myself and have done it alooot the past few days(hgss shiny hunting rn, no luck on starters so far haha) But gah you’re too kind honestly, It always makes me so happy that people like reshi in all her silly forms and aus(i feel i saturate her alot in some places and that sometimes people get sick of her,,,shes my main child im sorry LOL i play favs) but knowing people love her honestly make me giddy and happy because it makes me feel like I can craft a story with her or make a game with her. It makes my dream feel real, yaknnow??

Anyways i’ll stop ramblin haha you’ve made my night so much better esp after a tougg shift and I just appreciate it so much, thank you for everything truly

[sexdrugsrocknroller]

aight im making a post so i can say im using this shit like an actual diary

right now i have a grandeur of disorganization on my phone (laptop too but thats been a piece of junk since forever, fuck acer), between the basically full storage, mostly from the gallery (as of now i have a grand total of 93k photos. yes, 93 000 photos and videos.) plus my socials are fucked between the excessive saved and liked posts on instagram, same goes for tumblr here and twitter (i dont really use twitter, i only have an account to like and bookmark posts) and the youtube playlists and chronology.

plus my room is all messy with my not enough space for clothes and random papers and shit thrown together on any surface

i decided i dont like that and im changing it.

for the storage, i have already started deleting quite a bit, right now i deleted like 2300 elements but theres a lot more. sad part is that a lot of it is porn, wether drawn or short videos. im not gonna go full monk and delete all of it, though it would be easier, cause some of it i like. not to talk about the amount i already had to transfer on the laptop when i was tired of receiving warnings about the full storage in the last 2 years. i was also thinking of doing a backup of the whatsapp chats on the laptop so i can delete all the data on the phone storage. it would save me like 6 gb but its kinda extreme.

for socials, the solution is the same. tumblr: gradually remove liked posts i dont need to keep saved, and post what ive been keeping to post like i should have. last i checked, i had like 35k liked posts, and again, a lot of it porn. im not sure i want to post porn and erotica on this blog so for now im reblogging it on an alt, hoping it doesnt get deleted again. then ill have to unfollow some of the 4k blogs im following. guess what part of them are?

instagram, im not even going to remove all of the saved posts. its the social i used most to scroll at, i dont have the option to see how many posts i have saved but i dont think it would be an exaggeration to say i have at least a million. yea i know. im just going to get to a certain post i remember saving this summer, once im at that i will probably make another account altogether since i would never be able to clean all of it. i started this on around mid to end january, and as of now im just at mid october. after something like 20 non consecutive hours. yea its bad. it wouldnt be worth it to go past a certain point. better to just make a new one at that time and be more careful there.

youtube, i have the same problem of all social, i open a video just to keep it in the chronology so i can check it later and maybe save it. ive done it far too much. at least youtube is much faster to clean, but again i would never be able to check every single video i have left in the chrono to save at a second moment. thankfully once im done i could just go on settings and choose to do a tabula rasa of it, removing it completely.

twitter is probably also not worth the trouble of sitting thru all the posts i liked as a way of saving them. i probably shouldnt even care about it. this one has the least priority.

saved tabs on the browser? the easiest one by far out of all of it.

my room and the house in general, there isnt any second road, i just have to first remove and throw what i clearly dont need, store away whats left with some degree of order and hope i saved some space, and try to keep clean, plus store things with stricter orders so its cleaner. after my room and things, its time for the rest of the house.

all of this will be slow, gradual, and a major pain in the ass, but it has to be done and i intend to do it.

and all of this doesnt even include having to remake and update my cv and linkedin in preparation for when my contract ends, planning what to do for university between tests and papers and documents needed and all that, and this arguably has higher priority than all of above time and importance wise. but yknow. actually you dont know. even i dont know.

[volfoss]

like... to get an idea of what all id need to do. for anyone curious ig and also to just... totally beat the allegations of yucky little beast:

survey the damage... bc shes obviously in VERY bad shape. so id need to see if i could even get her eyes out or if id maybe. need to dremel into them to get them free so i could start on faceup removal

get the eyes out. this is very scary bc of the hot glue and also the mysterious gray substance. if it IS apoxie sculpt like i think it is then good god. thats going to be the worst 7 bucks ive ever spent or smth

clean the head. im really hoping that its dirt and not.. the alternative on the forehead and other parts of the face. if it IS some mold or fungus, ive got pony experience here (as in. i have dealt with that a few times on MLP) so I'm not... too worried? My guess is its surface level grime that should go away w the faceup being removed.

attempt to remove the faceup. the paint rly looks like it goes ALL the way around her head (poor thang) so ill probably test with acetone at the back of her head. for whatever reason i feel very much like her head has to be fragile so id rather test the more strong/easy to use chemical in a lesser seen spot. i really do not want to be scrubbing with rubbing alcohol for 5 years. bc the faceup looks like at LEAST a few layers of paint with a bad sealant so (as someone whos removed two full body resin paint jobs) i know acetone would be quickest (but alcohol is safest. but we will see)

assess the damage AGAIN. i predict that she is severely yellowed (due to the cracks on the cheek) but the question of if it is either just. in those spots where the faceup cracked or if its all over is really unsure. i mainly want to get her to try retrobrighting (which ive done on older MLP with great success and it seems to be something that works for this kind of vinyl as well) on her and just. fix up a doll that is beyond repair for most people lol. from what ive experienced with resin, i think the yellowing could either be all over (and the head was painted to try and hide this. although this clearly did not go well lol, altho i think its a sealant issue and not a paint issue, as it kind of looks like when ive fucked up with MSC (a common sealant for bjds)) or it could be just... shes been in sunlight and where the paint cracked got unevenly yellowed (i experienced this most recently with my big blue boy, where all the blue paint kind of. protected his resin and the non covered parts got more yellow). so its kind of a toss up. or a mysterious third thing you never know.

once shes all clean (which i assume will take a while due to well... how bad of shape that she is in), ill probably sit with it for a few days and then get milliput and sculpt a new nose. this will not be fun for me i think because I just... am not a sculpting fan (funny thing when this project WILL have a lot of sculpting) and much prefer sanding. I'm not too mad about the chin being sanded down (as the original had an INSANELY pointed chin which I really didn't like. I hate sanding vinyl so this works for me) or the eyes being opened (other than.. having to figure out the size on my own and pray for the best). Most of the mods are not... bad to me and are partially why I'm drawn to miss yucky bc like... the diseases but also the fact that the mods do mostly make the head cuter for me

Redo the faceup. I would love to keep the elements of the original with the big eyelashes as I find them cute, but the BIGGEST order of business is eyebrows good god. I'll have to paint over the mod that I did but I'm not super worried about it (maybe falsely I've never painted a vinyl head in full bc I have exactly one vinyl doll) and then hope i can get the head right on the first try. depending on how bad the yellowing is (and if im able to retrobright her to a lighter skin tone, as the body i have is pretty light (altho it doesnt match any skins from this company so. its a whole thing its ok)) i might just paint the whole head (or even come up with a story or reason why its mismatched. I have a lot of heads and bodies like that so I don't mind fully lol). It's just kind of a scary tossup on how bad of shape everything is.

Done <3 i really dont think itll be TOO bad but i also like... think i wont know fully until i get my hands on her if i do. She would be pretty tiny too (as in 45 cm or so, or for the americans, 1.5 ft) but I do love that scale of doll so. it could work.

[the1975attheirverybest]

ignore this if you want to but basically last thursday was a bit of an awful morning that ended up with me missing my first lecture of the day, sat in bed crying and then bailing on going out to the pub and ignoring everyone which ended up being quite nice. i cant actually remember what i did over the weekend other than not work and then monday was okay like i went to the library and somewhat organised myself but got distracted as i ended up meeting up with friends and then buying wine from tescos do do a greek lit reading night which was fun but really overwhelming (i also dont actually like wine that much) but then tuesday as much as i got out of my flat i then did actually nothing all day and it made me feel awful and then yesterday i dont think i properly got out of bed until 5pm and ive just felt a bit horrific because i feel like im failing academically, ive not been eating properly at all and i kinda just hate myself and i kinda just want to go home but i dont really have the time and i feel like it would just make everything worse when i come back. i also git into a slight argument with a couple of home friends because i sent some a selfie of me as a reaction to something that was said and got a how are you still in bed (i think it was gone midday at that point) and i said ive been trying to will myself out of existence (which in retrospect does sound fucking stupid but i was being sincere) and got basically omg same in response which pissed me off. i then later send some matty related meme which got some form of light-hearted response along the lines of being insane and i then went on a bit of a tirade about how you dont know how mentally ill i actually am and the response kinda was yeah were worried but dont know how to show it lol which again kinda annoyed be given that i have been a mediator to a lot of their quite serious relationship issues but then got a bit of a more sincere response after but i didnt read it properly and havent really said anything bar sending a tiktok because i dont want to have to address me being a bit of an immature dick so now i feel kinda isolated because im not close enough to any of my uni friends to be like hey im having a bit of a crisis can you make sure i actually eat real meals and maybe even force me to the shops to buy food - 🐸

Hey,

I need you to listen to me and know that I am being 100% serious. I don’t think any of this was immature or dickish. Cuz, like, I don’t know. I’ve been in situations where I’m having a bad depressive episodes and when I can finally muster the courage or energy to tell someone about it, I’ve gotten “mood” or “same” in response. And it’s kind of hard because no not “same” you’re not just having a bad day or feeling sad about something like a bad grade on a test or something. You��re literally struggling with an illness. That, on top of getting a comment about not getting out of bed on time when you’ve already been beating yourself up about it is hurtful. Your feelings are totally valid.

Of course, they don’t know that / didn’t mean to hurt you. They thought they were just making a simple comment. But that doesn’t mean you should trivialize how you feel about it.

Maybe once you’re feeling a bit better and more clear headed you can talk to them about how best to support you in moments like this?

In the meantime, I’m happy to force you to go to the shops. What, is it like….1 pm UK time right now? You have until I’m done teaching for the day. Like, 4 hours from now. I better come back on here and see that you’ve gone to get something for a home cooked meal. Otherwise I won’t post what I wanted to post tonight hahaha. No but for real. Do check in and tell me that you went. Mental illness is gross. You’re doing the best you can. He gentler with your brain.

[lostacelonnie]

The dreaded time returns once again. I hope your first day back wasnt bad. Oh hell yeah peak fuck it we ball right there. & its always nice to have the support system. Oh yeah mt fuji is on my list too i wanna see it. Also id love to see the native birds. Love seein different types of birds. Oh okay words not commonly used bein dropped got it. Occasionally annoying is like the catchphrase of the english language. Oh yeah big same 80 is like my max comfort level for heat before it becomes unbearable. So 42c was like death it sucked so bad. Thanks! I also finally got through jarilo-vi story & playstation beta version opened to test so hopefully soon ill be able to play there. Mobile is hard to play on. Very nice i should check out rain world see what its like. I need to set aside time to draw its a relaxing hobby. I feel that i keep dropping games for a bit. Now that im all caught up on genshin again im trying to play more dredge & river city girls. Maybe even beat them. I wish you luck in your minecraft quest. Fair enough. I get along okay with my half sister but not enough to like. Tell her things. Oh hell yeah congrats on the dye job done. Always feels good. Yeehaw new game mode. Star rail is doin good at havin fun & interesting side stuff to do really. I got so many facts about fish & birds & such in my head at all times but can i remember all of them all the time? No. Such is life with adhd

it really does. but hey i survived the first week AND made friends with the cool alt girls from my class so its not ryover 👍and yeah i was. actually quite surprised how chill my mom is with me being queer but im not complaining. and yeah definitely!!! i dont rlly know a lot about birds but i agree its always nice to see them. and yeah isnt it!!!! tho Being Polish kinda desensitized me to languages being annoying since it is like that as well. while i do operate my mother language quite well, i cannot remember a Single grammar rule ive ever learned. just freestyle it and hope for the best. what the fuck is a przydawka. and ough congrats on surviving that then. im going to alicante with my school pretty soon [mightve mentioned this but i dont remember?] and from what we know its going to be like 25c there and like. damn. here i was getting happy about not having to deal with the heat until the next vacation. but Whatever. AND AHH THATS NICE!! id love to hear ur thoughts on the story i honestly Really like the jarilo vi arc. mobile IS hard to play on. survive out there. RAIN WORLD IS SO GOOD OMG THE GRAPHICS AND STORY ARE AMAZING AND ALL THE DIFFERENT SLUGCATS ARE SO FUN TO PLAY AS...... and ah good luck with that!! i have a little less time now that school is back but ive been trying to at least doodle every day. and ooh i dont recognize either of those, tell me ab them!! i did the genshin archon quest and havent logged in since but it was very fun. excited for the next part. and thank you o7 ill keep you updated on that. and yeah i feel you on that i have a pretty similar relationship with mine, its just that we rarely ever talk. AND THANK YOU!! im probably gonna repeat it soon since, as i said, dye doesnt really like to cooperate with me so its basically gone by now but at least i know this dye stays for at least a bit. i havent played star rail recently aside from the main quest tbh, didnt really have the motivation to do it i guess. BUT i heard the new simulated universe is fun so ill probs check it out Eventually. and yeah it really IS like that

[wizkiddx]

I would for sure read a continuation of the birth photographer fic if you feel comfortable writing it/have time! Xx

a/n sorry I kinda combined these two together, I hope this is okay!! sorry ive taken so long too!! my requests are still open, just going a bit slowly :)

summary: literally just birth + harry

dad!tom x reader

warnings: childbirth, mentions of fainting, squint for suggestiveness too

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“Your doing so good darling, just keep breathin’ like that for me, in-out-in-out”

That had pretty much been the soundtrack to your last 3 hours. And yes it was MORE annoying than it sounds. Of course, that’s also ignoring the insane amount of pain your uterus was putting you through - as it spasmed while the little bug in there was wriggling away. Giving birth was not easy but giving birth with a husband-turned-midwife wittering away in your ear? Un-fucking-bearable. 

“Tom…. I love you but..” Everything had really been starting to ramp up in the last half an hour, you were a panting sweaty mess now. “Please… SHUT THE FUCK UP” Tom would’ve recoiled completely away from the bed because of your tone, if it wasn’t for the absolute death grip you had his right hand in. Instead,  Tom settled for straightening straight up and staring helplessly and dejectedly across the room at his brother - who of course was trying to hold back laughter, knowing it would be very easy for you to switch your target to him. 

Clearly it wasn’t a social call to the hospital, Harry was here under the premise of taking photos when the baby arrives for Tom;  but really to stop his brother from having his own breakdown - as commissioned by you. Lets just say, however scared and mortified Harry was of this ‘event’ he was taking a lot of enjoyment from how his brother was acting currently. 

“It’s okay sir, if you were pushing a watermelon out of hole that normally was the size of a whiteboard marker, I’m sure you’d be a bit tetchy too.” That lady was your favourite midwife and in a lull between the sets of contractions, you actually managed a laugh. Wide-eyed, Tom just nodded jerkily, murmuring some sort of agreement. It was at this point a flash of light reverberated around the whole room, causing you to breathlessly laugh, Harry’s face informing you the picture he just got of Tom was priceless. 

The laughter didn’t last long though, the next contraction had you bearing down on the bed, face contorted in pain as you sucked desperately on the gas and air tube. 

“Okay Y/n I think we might be getting there, let me call the senior midwifes in okay?” The midwife had your legs hiked apart, a blanket attempting to cover your modesty - but at this point she was basically sticking her face in your noon. Modesty was out the window. 

“Already?” Tom was shocked to say the least, from all his reading and research he’d learnt that the average labour time was more like 5 hours. Lets just say, Tom never exceled in school, never much enjoyed reading - which made the hours of highlighting baby books and pregnancy leaflets all the more extraordinary. 

“Babies don’t stick to the script sir.” You could tell she was proud of the pun there, because you know, Tom’s a moviestar. “Professional improvisers, the lot of them.” 

The cream walls of the hospital room very quickly filled with more and more people - Harry staying like a fly on the wall, now nervously biting his nails as he watched an obscene amount of medical people all take their turn oggling his sister-in-law’s bits. This was a weird ass situation. 

Almost immediately it was at the point the midwifes were telling you to push, which after 9 months of holding a baby in (as well as your ill functioning bladder) sounded like an absolute dream. But it was also absolutely terrifying and exciting and horrifying all wrapped in one. Naturally then, after nodding hesitantly at the midwife between your legs, you’d craned your neck across to tom .You might’ve just told him off, for trying to encourage you, but now? You needed his encouragement. 

What met you though, was his face completely drained of colour, mouth hanging slightly open as he hadn’t moved - still staring intently at the midwife. She followed your gaze, only taking half a second to survey the situation before knowingly smiling. 

“Can we get a bit of help for dad please?” Immediately one of the more junior looking midwives was directing (pushing) Tom into the chair next to the floor. Suddenly actually concerned, you looked with wide eyes to the lady between your legs, who you felt bad for not remembering her name. With a comforting squeeze of your ankle she reassured you he’d be right as rain after a few moments of having his head between his knees. Also sensing you needed your support, she arched up, beckoning over to Harry who had an equally bemused look on his face. 

“No - I-um I’m not.” His squeaking protests were interrupted by a large scream on your part, as another contraction tore through your body. Helplessly Harry glanced between Tom, who was still hunched over on a chair with a nurse squatted infront of him; and you, writhing around on the mechanical bed. He didn’t hesitate then, in jumping right to your side, allowing you to start crushing all the bones in his hand too. 

And then it was all happening, a blur of activity and screams. It didnt take long for Tom to pull himself together and then you were flanked on both sides by Holland boys - both giving cheesy encouraging words (which you would’ve again told them to shut the fuck up for, if you’d been able to), Tom also stroking the top of your head. He found it pretty impossible, watching the woman that he loved go through such immense pain - especially when he was technically half the cause. Well… actually more that that, it had been him who had been… well shall we say *needy* those nine months ago. 

“Okay Y/n the heads crowning, I know you’re tired but we need a few more big pushes, can you do that for me?” 

Merely 5 minutes later and the most beautiful sound in the world echoed through the 4 creams walls. You were absolutely spent, eyes closed as you panted, knowing tears were flooding down your face too. Immediately though, familiar hands cupped both sides of your face, a forehead resting on yours. 

“You did it Y/n/n.” His eyes were glassy, watering and red and the way he scoffed a smile in disbelief had you mirroring him exactly.

“We did it.” Your voice was hoarse and scratchy from all the yells of pain but it didnt matter. The midwife calling you by the name ‘mum and dad’ got both of your attention, a title you’d no doubt start getting used to. 

“Meet your beautiful baby girl.” Another choked sob escaped your throat, as  this little roughly wrapped up pink alien looking thing was placed onto your chest. Both you and Tom just gazed at her, completely transfixed at the way she wriggled her head slightly, nuzzling into your chest. Tom gently hovered his palm against her little head, while you pressed down the blanket gently, just so you could see all her features. 

Then a flash echoed around the otherwise silent room, making you all look up to Harry who was gritting his teeth in apology. “Do mum and dad want to smile for the camera?” The question was posed so hesitantly and quietly, really it wasn’t funny either. That didn’t stop you and Tom both pulling out the biggest grins and chuckling away, allowing Harry to capture the perfect moment. Being referred to as mum and dad - it was bloody comical. 

“You gonna tell me her name now?”  You looked from Harry to Tom, nodding in approval for him to spill the beans. 

“Amber. She’s Amber.”

You’d squabbled for months before ending on Amber. It had been a long relentless process, Tom claiming that your baby might just have ended up as ‘as yet untitled’ which you and your hormonal state had stormed out at. It hadn’t taken much to forgive it though, Tom had long since worked out that Ben and Jerrys was the way to your heart. 

The nurses took Amber back to do some tests, properly cleaning both you and her up and after that everything was weirdly calm. Harry had left to give the twothree of you a moment alone and Tom was about to do his turn of skin to skin. 

“This really is it isn’t it?” He murmured, whilst carefully scooping Amber from your arms. 

“Mhmmm… your stuck with two girls who’ll go psycho on you without a moments notice.” He seemed to accept it though, just nodding in response. 

“And I still can’t bloody wait.” His eyes penetrating deep into you, had you blushing like a nervous teenage girl. “ ‘m still so proud of you, you grew this little human.”

“Your not allowed to call her little because you didnt have the ‘little’ thing rip your insides apart.”

“Hey! I’m upset about it too! Was like I had to watch my favourite pub being burnt down.” Of course, trust Tom to make a dirty joke at a time like this.

“Don’t kid yourself, you weren’t watching, too busy fainting.”

“I didn’t actually faint!” This time he protested a bit too loudly, causing Amber to mewl a little and bury her head into the crook of her Dads arm. “I think Ambers just told you to shut it too.”

“You annoy the hell out of…” Your grumbling was interrupted by an impressive, ear-splitting yawn. “ You annoy the hell out of me.”

“But you love me?” He sing-songed, now back to a hushed tone. 

“I hope so, otherwise we’re in a bit of trouble.” He scoffed, but nodded his head, taking the hand that wasn’t cradling Amber to tuck some sweaty, knotted strands of hair behind your ear. 

“I do owe Harry though, he was at least able to stay on his feet.”

“He was a better birthing partner than you too, much much less condescending and annoying.” You sniggered, making Tom pout once again, only wiping the look off his face when you yawned again, rubbing an your eye like a toddler would. 

“If your done insulting me… get some rest love, I got you.” All you did was nod, with a small groan (because below your waist still hurt like a bitch) rolled over so you could fall asleep to sight of the two of them. 

“Got you both, my two beautiful girls.”

hope you enjoyed, would love to hear any thoughts <3

taglist: @hollandfanficlove @hallecarey1

[pain-in-the-asguardian]

Texts

(On A03 here)

15 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Just you wait.  Imma find you yo.

[To: Phones]: Ill bring you back.

[To: Phones]:  You gotta hang in there

16 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  That Reaper did something dammit.  Its like only me an Shiki remember you.

[To: Phones]:  But dont worry once I get ya back well fix this.

[To: Phones]:  Gonna scour Shibuya till I find out whats goin on.

17 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  You better be alive Phones.

[To: Phones]:  Ya know what I mean…

18 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  AARGH

[To: Phones]:  Aint no sign of any Reapers.  They gotta be here.

[To: Phones]:  Ill figure this out

20 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Aint stopped searching.  I know you out there

[To: Phones]:  I can feel it yo.  You can too right?

[To: Phones]:  We still synced I know it.

22 November 2018

[To: Phones]: still looking

[To: Phones]:  Are you even getting these

[To: Phones]:  Aint matter…

[To: Phones]:  Your number ain’t showin as disconnected.  Thats something.

13 November 2018

[To: Phones]: I guess this ain’t a normal Reapers Game.  Youd be back now…

[To: Phones]: Not like any of us expected it to be.

25 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Had a weird dream.

[To: Phones]: Like I was figthin by your side again.  But I aint know where it was.

[To: Phones]: Not Shibuya.

29 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Still nothing.  Aint gonna stop me.

[To: Phones]:  I miss you… (unsent)

1 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Still looking.

5 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Raining.  Skating in the rain kind of sucks.

7 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Had that weird dream again.

[To: Phones]:  I know that means you still out there.

10 December 2018

[To: Phones]: You better be hanging in there.

[To: Phones]:  I aint think it was gonna take this long.

[To: Phones]:  Even if ya got screwed over like our Game… you should be back by now right?

[To: Phones]:  They really pulling some shit.

[To: Phones]:  I can’t stand it yo.

15 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  It actually snowed a bit.  Weird.

[To: Phones]:  Maybe one day Ill learn to snowboard.

17 December 2018

[To: Phones]: Had to take a family holiday photo ugh.

[To: Phones]:  If the Reapers is looking for more ways to torture people

[To: Phones]:  That’s one of them.

20 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  It’s COLD.  I hope it aint like this where you are.

23 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Dont think Im giving up yo.

[To: Phones]:  Had that dream again.

24 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme made like 300 Christmas cookies.

25 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Merry Christmas

[To: Phones]: I ate too much

17 December 2018

[To: Phones]: Dammit where ARE you.

1 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  New year new chances to find you.

5 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  You holdin up?

10 January 2019

[To: Phones]: Still cold.

17 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  Shiki and Eri’s are gonna try selling their stuff

20 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  IM GONNA FIND YOU DAMN IT

[To: Phones]: I can still feel it.  I know you there even if you aint get these.

23 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  You got Partners again?  I hope you ain’t alone…

[To: Phones]:  It’s been so long

[To: Phones]:  But these are still going through…

[To: Phones]: And I can still feel you.  I know thats what this feeling is.

27 January 2019

[To: Phones]: Aint giving up

[To: Phones]:  I miss you.  (unsent)

[To: Phones]:  You should be here by now (unsent)

1 February 2019

[To: Phones]: Shiki and Eri’s stuff is really takin’ off.

12 February 2019

[To: Phones]:  Sorry school and shit getting to me

[To: Phones]: Even if I aint check in Im still here

[To: Phones]: And still looking

20 February 2019

[To: Phones]: You better be kickin Noise and Reaper ass yo.

3 March 2019

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme is really into computers now

[To: Phones]: I ain’t understand shit.

[To: Phones]:  At least she aint talk like Tabooty

17 March 2019

[To: Phones]: You better be ok.

27 March 2019

[To: Phones]: I totally aced a test today!

29 March 2019

[To: Phones]:  That dream…

[To: Phones]:  Where ARE you (unsent)

5 April 2019

[To: Phones]:  Still looking

12 April 2019

[To: Phones]: Thought by now I’d track down at least one Reaper yo.

[To: Phones]: Aint like Pixie Chick blends in

20 April 2019

[To: Phones]: Damn it Phones where the hell are you

[To: Phones]:  Shibuya feels like its moving on

[To: Phones]: Its just wrong yo.

27 April 2019

[To: Phones]:  I know there’s Reapers in the RG

[To: Phones]: I swear I’ll find ‘em and make 'em talk.

5 May 2019

[To: Phones]: Is this hopeless?  (unsent)

[To: Phones]:  Well I guess we know who’s got the higher Noise Erased count now.

20 May 2019

[To: Phones]:  I think I’ve memorized every side street and alleyway in this city.

[To: Phones]: When you back Ill be able to show you around blindfolded.

2 June 2019

[To: Phones]:  HOT.

13 June 2019

[To: Phones]: People really love Mr. Mew

[To: Phones]: Shiki an Eri might be getting an actual shop to sell stuff in.

24 June 2019

[To: Phones]: I want to go to the beach.

[To: Phones]: You ever gone there?

[To: Phones]: Can’t imagine you in trunks.

[To: Phones]: akljf;ds

5 July 2019

[To: Phones]:  How you holdin up

18 July 2019

[To: Phones]: Who decided hot and sticky was a good temperature for anything

29 July 2019

[To: Phones]: I aint giving up you better not either.

1 August 2019

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme is scary good with computers.  She said something about hacking.  Should I be afraid?

17 August 2019

[To: Phones]: Guess who fought a cicada.

22 August 2019

[To: Phones]: The hell is with these dreams.

5 September 2019

[To: Phones]: I ain’t know how many times Ive walked the same streets.

6 September 2019

[To: Phones]: Dont think that last text means I given up. I aint.

20 September 2019

[To: Phones]: This city has changed so much. So many new places.

[To: Phones]: Can’t wait to show you.

1 October 2019

[To: Phones]:  How many Noise you beat by now?

10 October 2019

[To: Phones]: Everyone wants to go to Shibuya Halloween this year.

31 October 2019

[To: Phones]: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA I AIN’T NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE.

[To: Phones]:  It took 45 minutes to leave the station and get across the Scramble.

[To: Phones]: We were all bullied into wearing Mr. Mew costumes.

[To: Phones]: Rhyme wants me to clarify that only I was bullied.

7 November 2019

[To: Phones]: Really hoped with all those Halloween vibes that maybe something would turn up.

[To: Phones]: All that stuff about ghosts and shit.

[To: Phones]: Still nothing.

20 November 2019

[To: Phones]: I ain’t giving up.

1 December 2019

[To: Phones]: It’s December again…

19 December 2019

[To: Phones]: You really gotta see all these lights

[To: Phones]:  One day.

20 December 2019

[To: Phones]: No escape from Family Holiday Photos.

24 December 2019

[To: Phones]: Too many Christmas cookies.

25 December 2019

[To: Phones]: Merry Christmas kick some Noise ass.

1 January 2020

[To: Phones]: This will be the year.

1 February 2020

[To: Phones]: Ok so maybe it wasn’t the month. But it’s still gonna be the year.

4 March 2020

[To: Phones]: Im sorry I couldnt find you sooner (unsent)

[To: Phones]: This is takin longer than I thought.

17 March 2020

[To: Phones]: You got this.

1 April 2020

[To: Phones]: Aint giving up.

1 May 2020

[To: Phones]: Sorry… school and shit.

[To: Phones]: Dont worry though.  Im still here.

[To: Phones]: I know you are too.

1 June 2020

[To: Phones]:  I hope its cooler wherever you are.

1 July 2020

[To: Phones]: Even CAT hasn’t done anything in months.  I wonder what happened to Mr H.

1 August 2020

[To: Phones]:  Still get those dreams once in a while

[To: Phones]: Do you…

1 September 2020

[To: Phones]: Fall again…

1 October 2020

[To: Phones]: Ok this year we’ll be prepared for Shibuya Halloween.

31 October 2020

[To: Phones]:  Ok ain’t no way to prepare for that.

[To: Phones]: One of these days you gonna suffer with us.

1 November 2020

[To: Phones]:  I will find you.  No matter how long it takes.

1 December 2020

[To: Phones]:  December again…

[To: Phones]: Damn it.

[To: Phones]: Please be alright.

1 January 2021

[To: Phones]: OK THIS YEAR.  I KNOW IT.

[To: Phones]: I wonder what you look like now.

[To: Phones]: Will I recognize you? (unsent)

10 January 2021

[To: Phones]: Fuck.  College is next year…

1 February 2021

[To: Phones]: Gatto Nero is gonna get a shop in 104!  Can you believe it?

1 March 2021

[To: Phones]: Rhyme says she working on something.  Iono what that means…

1 April 2021

[To: Phones]: That dream again.  Something feels different yo.

1 May 2021

[To: Phones]: Somethin’s weird.  Aint had a feeling like this in a long time.

[To: Phones]: Hang in there.

1 June 2021

[To: Phones]: Pins are getting popular again. Even Gatto Nero’s getting’ in on it.  You outta see these designs!

1 July 2021

[To: Phones]: Rhyme says she close to a breakthrough.  I aint know on what but she says its gonna help.

27 July 2021

[To: Phones]: Something is definitely goin down yo.  You feel it too?

[To: Phones]: We close, I know it.

[To: Phones]: This time fo sho.

[To: Phones]: You comin home.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

eat your words* chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

Part 2/collab with @buryallyourbones can be found here, she did a great job so you should go read it! It will also be linked in my master list under "motionless in white2"

* - lunch date gone right ;)

Song: 3 musketeers by ppcocaine

tag list: @musicsexandpizza69 @svintsandghosts @theoneandonlykymberlee @cynic-spirit @thisplace-ishaunted @lifeisabitchandsoareyou @alilpunkrock @bleed-to-make-amends

+++++++++

i sat in the booth with chris and sipped my coffee. it had been a fairly long morning after he agreed to help me repaint my living room so i had offered to take him to lunch. it was a little fancier than we were  both dressed for but i didnt really care, they had amazing food and their coffee was to die for. it was kind of a date i suppose. we had been hanging out and going on dates for about two months already but neither of us had really labeled anything yet. not to mention we hadnt exactly told anyone we were seeing each other, not even the band. i sat and looked around the restaurant as i sipped my coffee.

"so, when we get back do we have to get right back into painting or is there room for something else first?"

he asked, brows raising quickly and making me laugh to myself. i shook my head at him as he took a drink of his own coffee.

"ill think about it, but for now i wanna eat lunch."

he nudged me with his elbow.

"right, but all im saying is you would make a lovely dessert."

i snorted at him as he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my jaw lightly and squeezing my thigh.

"come on, what do you say?"

i rolled my eyes and sent him a knowing look.

"fine, but as soon as we are done we have to get back to work."

i said as he sat back up.

"deal."

he said, looking up at the waitress as she came to take our lunch order. we gladly gave it to her before getting back to our conversation. then as i looked over i noticed the group of friends i had blown off and immediately felt panicked.

"shit."

i said, looking to chris.

"what? whats wrong?"

he said a little worried. i pointed in their direction as they waited for the hostess to get back to seat them.

"those are the friends i told you about. i knew they were all going to lunch today but i didnt know they were coming here!"

i said quickly, grabbing his arm.

"you have to hide. they cant know about this yet."

he drew his brows and laughed a little bit. then his face fell.

"wait, you're serious?"

i nodded.

"yes im serious. we agreed to keep this a secret from people so if you dont want them knowing about you yet you need to hide."

he rolled his eyes at me.

"cant we just tell them im a relative or something?"

i let out a short laugh.

"no, they know all my relatives. they have been going to our family functions since we were five years old, just get under the table and be quiet."

i said, commanding him. he sighed as i pushed him under the table, i looked up just as my friends approached us.

"y/n! funny seeing you here. i thought you said you were busy today."

kayla asked, looking at me a little disappointed. i nodded slowly.

"i am, but i decided to come get lunch. i didnt realize you guys were coming here."

i lied. a smile spread across her face quickly.

"oh, do you want to come sit with us then?"

she asked and i jumped, chris' hand making its way between my thighs. i sent her a reassuring smile, trying not to let on what he was doing under the table. i was just glad this place had table cloths.

"uh, actually im waiting for someone."

i lied again. she drew her brows, looking to Janice a little confused.

"oh, okay."

i coughed uncomfortably as chris pressed his finger against my clit over my panties, stroking me lightly.

"its not like that, we just have a meeting so ive got to eat kinda quick-"

my breathing hitched as i felt him press his face between my legs. i closed them abruptly, him hitting his head against the table before grabbing my thighs tightly with his hands and prying them open. god i wish i wouldnt have changed into a skirt before we left.

"are you alright y/n?"

Janice asked, concern lacing her voice. i nodded as i felt him move my panties to the side, his tongue making its way up my folds.

"who me? yeah im doing great."

i said uncomfortably.

"are you sure you dont want to come sit with us for a bit? we can make it quick if youre pressed for time."

kayla offered and i nodded, trying not to moan as he sucked on my clit, pushing one finger into me.

"yeah."

i shuddered out, feeling a chill run up my spine. they both looked a little skeptical.

"okay, then i guess we'll see you later. and hopefully your meeting goes well, or whatever."

Kayla said, looking to Janice a little worried before ushering her away to their table. i sat back and swallowed hard, feeling chris add another finger and pumping them in and out of me. i bit my tongue hard as the waitress came over with our food. she set both plates down and topped off our mugs.

"you two need anything else?"

she asked politely. i sat forward abruptly as he curled his fingers into me and shook my head.

"nope, i think we're good."

i managed, watching her nod and walk away. i put my elbows on the table, folded my hands together and rested my head against them as he continued his tongues attack on my clit. i breathed hard, feeling the knot in my stomach build.

"chris."

i whispered out, feeling his free hand massage my thigh. i sat back into the booth again, slouching down into it and reaching under the table to hold his head. i dug my head into the booth as i came around his fingers, trying not to moan at the feeling. my legs shook under the table as he licked me clean and put my panties back in place. i glared down at him as he poked his head out from under the table cloth.

"i fucking hate you."

i said as he returned to his place beside me. he smirked before taking a sip of his coffee and looking over at me with a devilish grin.

"you do not. but now i guess i dont have to wait for dessert."

he said with a wink, picking up his fork. i sighed out, sitting forward and moving to eat too.

"oh no, now i think you get to wait even longer for the next round."

he looked at me sternly.

"you wouldnt."

he tested and i sent him a look, shoving my fork in my mouth.

"try me."

i said as i swallowed. he leaned in, looking between my eyes.

"is that a challenge?"

he quipped back and i smirked at him, getting closer too.

"i guess youll just have to wait and see."

he laughed once through his nose before pushing forward and kissing me harshly.

"y/n?!"

i heard Janice say and my eyes shot open. chris pulled away with a shocked look on his face too, both of our attention turning to her as she stood in front of the table.

"i was on my way to the bathroom... what? what is this?"

she asked, pointing between us and i could feel my face getting warmer.

"uh, jan, this is my friend chris."

i said reluctantly, watching her eyes move to me.

"i see youre very close."

she said reluctantly and he nodded, squeezing my thigh.

"you have no idea."

[a-musing-mixologist]

(On A03 here)

15 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Just you wait.  Imma find you yo.

[To: Phones]: Ill bring you back.

[To: Phones]:  You gotta hang in there

16 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  That Reaper did something dammit.  Its like only me an Shiki remember you.

[To: Phones]:  But dont worry once I get ya back well fix this.

[To: Phones]:  Gonna scour Shibuya till I find out whats goin on.

17 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  You better be alive Phones.

[To: Phones]:  Ya know what I mean...

18 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  AARGH

[To: Phones]:  Aint no sign of any Reapers.  They gotta be here.

[To: Phones]:  Ill figure this out

20 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Aint stopped searching.  I know you out there

[To: Phones]:  I can feel it yo.  You can too right?

[To: Phones]:  We still synced I know it.

22 November 2018

[To: Phones]: still looking

[To: Phones]:  Are you even getting these

[To: Phones]:  Aint matter...

[To: Phones]:  Your number ain't showin as disconnected.  Thats something.

13 November 2018

[To: Phones]: I guess this ain't a normal Reapers Game.  Youd be back now...

[To: Phones]: Not like any of us expected it to be.

25 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Had a weird dream.

[To: Phones]: Like I was figthin by your side again.  But I aint know where it was.

[To: Phones]: Not Shibuya.

29 November 2018

[To: Phones]:  Still nothing.  Aint gonna stop me.

[To: Phones]:  I miss you... (unsent)

1 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Still looking.

5 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Raining.  Skating in the rain kind of sucks.

7 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Had that weird dream again.

[To: Phones]:  I know that means you still out there.

10 December 2018

[To: Phones]: You better be hanging in there.

[To: Phones]:  I aint think it was gonna take this long.

[To: Phones]:  Even if ya got screwed over like our Game... you should be back by now right?

[To: Phones]:  They really pulling some shit.

[To: Phones]:  I can't stand it yo.

15 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  It actually snowed a bit.  Weird.

[To: Phones]:  Maybe one day Ill learn to snowboard.

17 December 2018

[To: Phones]: Had to take a family holiday photo ugh.

[To: Phones]:  If the Reapers is looking for more ways to torture people

[To: Phones]:  That's one of them.

20 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  It's COLD.  I hope it aint like this where you are.

23 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Dont think Im giving up yo.

[To: Phones]:  Had that dream again.

24 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme made like 300 Christmas cookies.

25 December 2018

[To: Phones]:  Merry Christmas

[To: Phones]: I ate too much

17 December 2018

[To: Phones]: Dammit where ARE you.

1 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  New year new chances to find you.

5 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  You holdin up?

10 January 2019

[To: Phones]: Still cold.

17 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  Shiki and Eri's are gonna try selling their stuff

20 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  IM GONNA FIND YOU DAMN IT

[To: Phones]: I can still feel it.  I know you there even if you aint get these.

23 January 2019

[To: Phones]:  You got Partners again?  I hope you ain't alone...

[To: Phones]:  It's been so long

[To: Phones]:  But these are still going through...

[To: Phones]: And I can still feel you.  I know thats what this feeling is.

27 January 2019

[To: Phones]: Aint giving up

[To: Phones]:  I miss you.  (unsent)

[To: Phones]:  You should be here by now (unsent)

1 February 2019

[To: Phones]: Shiki and Eri's stuff is really takin' off.

12 February 2019

[To: Phones]:  Sorry school and shit getting to me

[To: Phones]: Even if I aint check in Im still here

[To: Phones]: And still looking

20 February 2019

[To: Phones]: You better be kickin Noise and Reaper ass yo.

3 March 2019

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme is really into computers now

[To: Phones]: I ain't understand shit.

[To: Phones]:  At least she aint talk like Tabooty

17 March 2019

[To: Phones]: You better be ok.

27 March 2019

[To: Phones]: I totally aced a test today!

29 March 2019

[To: Phones]:  That dream...

[To: Phones]:  Where ARE you (unsent)

5 April 2019

[To: Phones]:  Still looking

12 April 2019

[To: Phones]: Thought by now I'd track down at least one Reaper yo.

[To: Phones]: Aint like Pixie Chick blends in

20 April 2019

[To: Phones]: Damn it Phones where the hell are you

[To: Phones]:  Shibuya feels like its moving on

[To: Phones]: Its just wrong yo.

27 April 2019

[To: Phones]:  I know there's Reapers in the RG

[To: Phones]: I swear I'll find 'em and make 'em talk.

5 May 2019

[To: Phones]: Is this hopeless?  (unsent)

[To: Phones]:  Well I guess we know who's got the higher Noise Erased count now.

20 May 2019

[To: Phones]:  I think I've memorized every side street and alleyway in this city.

[To: Phones]: When you back Ill be able to show you around blindfolded.

2 June 2019

[To: Phones]:  HOT.

13 June 2019

[To: Phones]: People really love Mr. Mew

[To: Phones]: Shiki an Eri might be getting an actual shop to sell stuff in.

24 June 2019

[To: Phones]: I want to go to the beach.

[To: Phones]: You ever gone there?

[To: Phones]: Can't imagine you in trunks.

[To: Phones]: akljf;ds

5 July 2019

[To: Phones]:  How you holdin up

18 July 2019

[To: Phones]: Who decided hot and sticky was a good temperature for anything

29 July 2019

[To: Phones]: I aint giving up you better not either.

1 August 2019

[To: Phones]:  Rhyme is scary good with computers.  She said something about hacking.  Should I be afraid?

17 August 2019

[To: Phones]: Guess who fought a cicada.

22 August 2019

[To: Phones]: The hell is with these dreams.

5 September 2019

[To: Phones]: I ain't know how many times Ive walked the same streets.

6 September 2019

[To: Phones]: Dont think that last text means I given up. I aint.

20 September 2019

[To: Phones]: This city has changed so much. So many new places.

[To: Phones]: Can't wait to show you.

1 October 2019

[To: Phones]:  How many Noise you beat by now?

10 October 2019

[To: Phones]: Everyone wants to go to Shibuya Halloween this year.

31 October 2019

[To: Phones]: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA I AIN'T NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE.

[To: Phones]:  It took 45 minutes to leave the station and get across the Scramble.

[To: Phones]: We were all bullied into wearing Mr. Mew costumes.

[To: Phones]: Rhyme wants me to clarify that only I was bullied.

7 November 2019

[To: Phones]: Really hoped with all those Halloween vibes that maybe something would turn up.

[To: Phones]: All that stuff about ghosts and shit.

[To: Phones]: Still nothing.

20 November 2019

[To: Phones]: I ain't giving up.

1 December 2019

[To: Phones]: It's December again...

19 December 2019

[To: Phones]: You really gotta see all these lights

[To: Phones]:  One day.

20 December 2019

[To: Phones]: No escape from Family Holiday Photos.

24 December 2019

[To: Phones]: Too many Christmas cookies.

25 December 2019

[To: Phones]: Merry Christmas kick some Noise ass.

1 January 2020

[To: Phones]: This will be the year.

1 February 2020

[To: Phones]: Ok so maybe it wasn't the month. But it's still gonna be the year.

4 March 2020

[To: Phones]: Im sorry I couldnt find you sooner (unsent)

[To: Phones]: This is takin longer than I thought.

17 March 2020

[To: Phones]: You got this.

1 April 2020

[To: Phones]: Aint giving up.

1 May 2020

[To: Phones]: Sorry... school and shit.

[To: Phones]: Dont worry though.  Im still here.

[To: Phones]: I know you are too.

1 June 2020

[To: Phones]:  I hope its cooler wherever you are.

1 July 2020

[To: Phones]: Even CAT hasn't done anything in months.  I wonder what happened to Mr H.

1 August 2020

[To: Phones]:  Still get those dreams once in a while

[To: Phones]: Do you...

1 September 2020

[To: Phones]: Fall again...

1 October 2020

[To: Phones]: Ok this year we'll be prepared for Shibuya Halloween.

31 October 2020

[To: Phones]:  Ok ain't no way to prepare for that.

[To: Phones]: One of these days you gonna suffer with us.

1 November 2020

[To: Phones]:  I will find you.  No matter how long it takes.

1 December 2020

[To: Phones]:  December again...

[To: Phones]: Damn it.

[To: Phones]: Please be alright.

1 January 2021

[To: Phones]: OK THIS YEAR.  I KNOW IT.

[To: Phones]: I wonder what you look like now.

[To: Phones]: Will I recognize you? (unsent)

10 January 2021

[To: Phones]: Fuck.  College is next year...

1 February 2021

[To: Phones]: Gatto Nero is gonna get a shop in 104!  Can you believe it?

1 March 2021

[To: Phones]: Rhyme says she working on something.  Iono what that means...

1 April 2021

[To: Phones]: That dream again.  Something feels different yo.

1 May 2021

[To: Phones]: Somethin's weird.  Aint had a feeling like this in a long time.

[To: Phones]: Hang in there.

1 June 2021

[To: Phones]: Pins are getting popular again. Even Gatto Nero's getting' in on it.  You outta see these designs!

1 July 2021

[To: Phones]: Rhyme says she close to a breakthrough.  I aint know on what but she says its gonna help.

27 July 2021

[To: Phones]: Something is definitely goin down yo.  You feel it too?

[To: Phones]: We close, I know it.

[To: Phones]: This time fo sho.

[To: Phones]: You comin home.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[imaconstantmess]

Until

Until

First attempt at writing anything, criticism is something that is welcome and much needed so please tell me if there was anything you didn’t like.

Warnings: swearing, abuse(ex), angst with an ok ending

Steve x Gender Neutral! Reader

Steve’s mind has been occupied for the past few weeks, and it’s got something to do with the recruit he’s been assigned to train.

part 2 here

Cold.

Empty.

Bright.

“Damn it.” Empty shelves stared at him, save for some sauces that he never used, and some out of date milk in the door. Since when could he not act like an adult and remember to go food shopping every once in a while? He almost slammed the fridge door in frustration, but then he remembered that the fridge wasn’t made to be shut in anger by a super soldier who could keep a helicopter grounded.

The apartment was nice, clean, and more modern than Steve would have chosen. He didn’t want to admit it but he couldn’t help but like the designs Stark kitted him out with; He’d actually said thank you for the record player to both the males’ surprise. With a heavy sigh Steve looked for his keys while shrugging on the leather jacket that he liked to wear. He hadn’t bothered to change clothes since yesterday, since he’d been stuck with debriefing a late night mission to some agents, one of which liked to argue. He doesn’t know where they found him but he suspected he wouldn’t be working on the field for much longer.

Steve decided to just bike it to the nearest fast food place, since he just didn’t have the effort to buy and cook his own meal tonight. Steve wouldn’t usually ditch a healthy meal (a habit left over from when he needed all the strength he could get), but the frustration and sleep deprivation he’s been feeling lately has him doing strange things. He pulled up to the closest diner that would be open, the brightness of the inside straining his eyes a little. It was stereotypical in design, with the black and white tiled floors and old, faded red leather booths. Not all the neon lights worked, but it was clean and had pretty good food from what Steve remembered. He started looking at the menu until he heard the one sound he didn’t expect to hear.

Your voice.

——————————————————

Training was tough. You’d passed the intelligence tests, the demanding physical examination, and had shown excellence in taking orders and adapting to the situation at hand, singling you out from the other recruits in your regiment. That’s why they chose you, as an experimental new initiative that Nick Fury had come up with. It was meant to be a sort of civilian type of avengers, ones with no powers that could blend in more easily with a crowd. An American version of elite spies under shield authority and direction. And you were chosen.

Each avenger with hand to hand combat training got a recruit. Tony and Bruce didn’t have one because tony relies on his mind and if Bruce fights, the other guy makes an appearance. You did an intricate personality test, asking questions as simple as ‘what’s your favourite colour and why?’ To ‘what do you think the most important global issue is at this time?’ and from those results you were paired with the avenger that you were most compatible with, to help ease the training process and create an almost student/mentor situation. You got Captain America.

Surprisingly, the first session you two had together didn’t involve training. It was almost an interview between the two of you, but a lot more casual. Steve text you to meet him an old diner in New York, one that you happened to frequent often. You already ordered your drink when you sat down in a booth, skimming over the menu.

“F/n l/n?”You looked up and found a nice pair of baby blues looking at you, and although you knew he was attractive from the tv, real life was a whole other experience. If you weren’t taken...

Before you could gawk, you put on a friendly smile and answered “Thats me. I’m guessing you must be Steve Rogers”

And that was the first time you met.

——————————————————-

It was late. You’d just got home after a briefing for a mission which lasted longer than it should have. Sam’s recruit, agent Andrew Garrison, had a mouth which led to some sarcastic remarks towards Steve which were in your opinion, uncalled for. When Steve put him in his place it made you feel some type of way, but pushed those feelings aside. You were in a relationship that was coming to almost a year long. When you got home to your cosy apartment you kicked off your training boots, and was about to take off your shield assigned jacket when you heard a cough from the couch.

You went to look in the fridge for something quick to eat, but settled for a bottle of orange juice “Hey, sorry I kept you waiting, the briefing went on longer than it should have. Garrison decided to sass Steve, so after Steve basically put him in his place Fury came in and gave a long ass speech on how we have to show the same respect to other mentors that we show our own” you plopped down next to your boyfriend on the couch but your smile faded when you saw the look on his face. “Tyler? What’s wrong? You alright?” Concern laced your voice as you reached out to tough his face. You were shocked when he slapped your hand away.

“What’s wrong? I can’t believe you’re even asking me that...” he got up and started running his hands through his dark hair. “You’re never here anymore. You’re always training... if thats even what you’re doing” his dark eyes look different, almost like you’re looking at at stranger. While you’re too shocked to reply, he raises his voice in an almost shout. “You’re always out! Shield can’t be training you that much. How can I trust you? You’re around other men all the time!” He spat, his face almost in a snarl.

“Are you kidding me? I’m training under the avengers, not sleeping with other men! You’ve seen Steve- CAPTAIN AMERICA- drop me off! How could you think I was lying?” Your voice was strong but there was a sting in your eyes.

“Then how come Ive been seeing disgusting purple marks on your neck!?”

“I GOT JABBED IN THE FUCKING THROAT-“

“LIAR!” The argument went on for about 15 minutes, you trying to prove your innocence while Tyler just kept making more and more ridiculous accusations. You’d had arguments before, but never this bad. You turned, about to walk to your shared room to try and avoid the conflict- until a loud sound was heard on your right. He’d thrown the damn pot fruit bowl at your head. You whipped round, a look of shock on both your faces, as if he couldn’t believe he’d done it either. This was the turning point for you, things had never been physical in your relationships and they never would be. The shock on your face turned to anger as you fought back the urge to restrain him, like Steve had taught you. You grabbed your keys, and put your jacket back on.

“We’re done. Try to attack me again and i will show you just how much training I’ve done” your face looked terrifying, but under the mask you were heartbroken. You’d thought he was the one you were going to spend your life with. You were wrong. Obviously. You stormed out of the apartment, too consumed by anger to realise you had nowhere to go. You had limited cash on you, and your closest relatives were a state away. You couldn’t ask your friends to come pick you up, it was too late. After walking for almost an hour, you came across an old diner you lived going to. You told Steve about this place a few months ago, and both of you went after a particularly hard day of training. Plus it was literally open 24hrs, so you could stay until it was early enough to catch Steve or Sam on a run. You sat down at an empty booth in the corner, but since the diner was empty you could see and hear everything. You ordered a simple cheeseburger and a coke, not wanting to spend much money. You just sit and wait until you hear the phone ring. It was Tyler.

“Babe? Where are you? I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have done that it was all my fault-“

“You could have killed me. And I completely agree, it was your fault.

Don’t call me again. I don’t know when Ill be picking my stuff up. Bye”

“Y/N don’t do this, I love you-“

“If you loved me you wouldn’t have thrown a bowl heavier than a brick at my head.”

You heard the door open, but you were just angrily staring at the table, not bothering to see who came in. You were biting your knuckle to stop yourself from crying, pent up emotions wanting to break free. You tried to keep from crying, growing silent as you evened your breathing.

“Why are you doing this?! I thought you loved me! Maybe I did aim it at your head so what!?” Your heart sank. He’d meant to hurt you. Knock you out, maybe even kill you. “You deserved it for turning away from me. Why can’t you just come back? You need me. Give me one valid reason why I should stop calling you”

“You tried to fucking kill me”

_________________________________________

“You tried to fucking kill me”

Steve heard your voice and whipped round. He hadn’t noticed you in the corner when he came in, but the words you just spoke sent a small shiver of fear down his spine. What had happened? We’re you ok? You were still in your shield assigned training outfit, and there didn’t look to be any blood on you. He quickly walked towards you and saw you angrily slam your phone down, an unreadable expression on your face.

“Y/N? Everything alright?” It unnerved him to see you like this, he’d never seen you sad, or even angry before. Irritated at losing hand to hand combat? Sure. But he’d never seen you like this... so open... so...vulnerable.

You blinked back tears as you slowly rose your head up to look at him. He’d taken a seat across from you, arms on the table and the most concerned look you’d ever seen him with. Then again, after taking a quick glance at your reflection in the mirror, you did look a mess. Hair messy from a days training, red eyes and a blotchy face from almost crying. You decided it was not a good look on you.

“I’m-“ you were about to say fine, but you weren’t. You needed someone to talk to, and although it might be considered unprofessional, Steve was worried and you knew he wouldn’t drop it. He’s too stubborn. “Actually, I’m not fine. My personal life has just been obliterated.”

You let out a dry laugh to try and hide the hurt.

“Y/N, what happened. Tell me, please.” The way he had said please, with so much emotion almost made your heart burst. And with those eyes, full of concern and... something, staring directly at you you found it hard to not tell him everything. You looked and the table when you started explaining, almost ashamed of what happened.

“You remember my boy- well EX boyfriend, Tyler? He tried to maim or kill me. Haven’t figured out which he meant to do yet.” You hoped a bit of sarcasm would make the words you just spoke seem less... heavy to the super soldier. However when you glanced up, the look on the super soldiers face was pure anger. Before Steve could say anything, you carried on “ he didn’t actually touch me, but he tried to. I walked out before anything else could happen.”

“What do you mean tried to?” His voice was eerily calm, but soft. It completely betrayed his stiff posture and furrowed brows. You’d never seen him like this, but you weren’t scared. Somehow it was comforting.

“Well you know that big, heavy ornate fruit bowl that my grandma made me?”

“The one shaped like a peacock? Feathers for the bowl?” You nodded.

“He threw it. At my head. I was walking away and it hit the wall next to me.” You explained quickly, seeing him lean back and nostrils flare slightly. He was directing his angry gaze at anywhere but you, you weren’t the reason for his anger.

“He could have killed you. A blow to the back of your head from and object like that- jesus it could’ve cracked your skull open. You could-“ he swallowed, calming himself before finishing his sentence. “ you could be dead right now. Or unconscious, or with a cracked open skull...” as he trailed off he realised how bad the situation could have been. You could’ve been hurt. Not by some trigger happy mafia member, not by a highly trained hydra assassin. Hell, not even in training. When he caught your throat in training a few days ago he thought you were going to hate him forever, and he hated himself for hurting you. Even after you caught your breath and smiled, no laughed at him for fretting, he still hated himself for putting you through unnecessary pain. The fact that you were hurt in your home, in the one place you were supposed to be safe infuriated him. He had never wanted to kill, not really, but the anger and secondhand fear for your safety could have been the thing that made him do it. He looked at you now, seeing past the obvious and noticing the circles under your eyes and the way your body just seemed exhausted, physically and emotionally. Before he could speak, you decided to change the subject. Until tomorrow at least.

“Hey you getting any food? I can practically hear your stomach from here.” You said with a smile. Steve relaxed his posture a little and realised he hadn’t ordered in his haste to check on you. As he turned around to once again look at the menu, to cheeseburgers and cokes were laid out infront of you both by a middle aged woman, who had a young motherly look to her.

“I know you didn’t order anything, but the diners quiet and I couldn’t help overhearing a few things. I added cheesy fries, no extra cost.” The woman turned to you, wiping her hand on her black apron in a worried manner. “I hope you’re ok sweetheart. If you want, I can sneak you another drink, on the house. Just ask.” She gave you a kind smile as you thanked her and tried to return it, completely forgetting to ask Steve if he was ok with the meal. It reminded you why you joined sheiks in the first place, to protect people like her.

You and Steve started eating, and for a few minutes there was nothing but comfortable silence. Until Steve had a thought. After taking a few sips of his drink, he broke the silence.

“Do you have anywhere to stay tonight?” He was not under any circumstance letting you go home to that psycho.

“Actually, I was just going to chill here for a few hours and hopefully catch you or Sam on a run...” now that you’d said it out loud, it sounded kind of stupid.

Instead of being angry, Steve just looked sad as he asked “why didn’t you call someone? You could’ve called.. me.” He almost sounded disappointed. He was, he would go pick you up from Japan if you’d asked him. He thought you knew that. “I would’ve picked you up..” he picked up a fry to try and seem more casual about what he’d said, about what he’d implied.

“Honestly, after I stormed out I was angry- walking around New York for an hour” you stopped to take a sip of your drink and have some fries. “It’s late, tower is on lockdown in early hours. And.. everyone was so tired after today. It’s not fair on them if I wake them up.” You took a bite of your burger and swallowed quickly. “ And you... you’ve been so stressed lately and after that stunt Garrison pulled I thought you deserved some sleep” you finished your sentence with a light shrug. You took another bite of your burger and looked at Steve, who couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. How dare you think you’re less important than a few hours sleep.

“You can stay at my place if you’d like, Ive got a spare room... it has an en suite.” As Steve was nearing the end of his sentence he thought he sounded stupid. He’d daydreamed once or twice about having you live with him, sharing a bed... but he never thought that this would be the way it was going to happen. He’d kept his distance because you were in a relationship, never going over the platonic boundary with you.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to be a burden-“

“You’re never a burden.” He said that a bit too quickly for his liking.

“Well... ok, sure, thank you. I don’t really have any spare clothes so I might be a mess in the morning...” you laughed slightly and Steve’s eyes lit up. That’s better.

With a slight blush, Steve said “if you want, Ive got some spare clothes you could sleep in. You can wash your clothes at my apartment if you’d like.”

The gesture was oddly intimate, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to refuse. You both finished your meals, which Steve refuses to let you pay for since “you’ve been through a lot tonight. I’m paying”

You said your goodbyes to the waitress and headed outside. You were trying to hide a smile.

“What’s got you smiling?” Steve asked as he handed you a helmet.

“Not going to lie, I’ve always wanted to ride your...” you paused, making sure his bike was an old Harley. But Steve couldn’t stop himself from finishing that sentence in his head. “Harley. It’s so much cooler than the bikes in Starks garage. Hey, why don’t you have a helmet?”

“I don’t live too far, and I’m more likely to survive than you. And besides, we’re not going to crash.” He said as he swung his leg over the bike. He gestured for you to get on and after fastening the straps on the helmet, you got on behind him. You hesitated before putting your arms around his waist, but then just wrapped yourself around him. The feeling of his strong back pressed against you sent a pleasant wave through you, and Steve was just glad you couldn’t see the shy smile on his face.

“Ready?” He asked as he kicked the engine into life.

“Mmm” you said as Steve moved forward, leaving you clinging to him.

You couldn’t wait to go to sleep, even if it wasn’t in your bed.

Steve was just happy you were safe now. He’d never once offered his spare room to anyone except Bucky, he’d never trusted or cared about anyone enough.

Until you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: hope you liked it, it’s my first ever attempt at writing a fic so opinions and criticism are welcome :) I’ll do a part 2 if this gets a note, new to tumblr so I’m not sure if anyone will read it.

[maltedroses]

The Doctor is Here

This is  a birthday present I  made for my friend that ive decided to crosspost from Ao3

warnings: gore, mutilation, seriously if you don't like blood or any of that stuff look away move on this is your only warning.

He was sick, everybody was sick, and it was foolish of him to think he would be the exception. Hari always believed Kai would never use his quirk on him but he was wrong. The leather cut through his wrist the more he pulled the worse it would get. 

Kai didn't even try to cure him, he simply just shaved his hair. Hari became something Kai could play and experiment on. It hurt him but he couldn't tell at what scale. By now all pain felt the same, his body was unable to tell the difference from a cut to a slap on the face. He just wanted it to end.

Clack

Clack

It was the devil he once called friend. As the door rattled tears began to fall, his body still aching from the last time Overhaul put him back together. That was the thing, his quirk, it didn't matter how many times Hari would break or bleed, Overhaul could simply put him back together as if nothing happened, or he could leave him unfinished. It was all a game to him. "I'm surprised you're up, get that look off your face- Oh you're crying how dull." Overhaul slightly lifted his chin, upon contact Hari shivered. "Hm, what's wrong Hari? I'm not going to hurt you~" that was a lie. 

"You know I don't ask for anything other than for you to be cooperative. I even let you keep your quirk because we're friends." How? Friends don't lock each other in rooms and experiment on them for their sick entertainment in disguise of 'the greater good'. Hari couldn't even use his quirk without his hair growing back a little, so he was basically quirk less. "I'm here for your check up, can't have you dying on me now can we?" Fuck off, or at least mercy kill me. The popsicle stick entered Hari’s mouth, Overhaul put two fingers inside, feeling every corner and tooth. "Good boy. I'm feeling nice today so no surgeries will be performed today, unless you disobey me, got that?" Hari couldn't respond, after the first time Overhaul made sure to get rid of his vocal cords. His screams were horrible and nothing but pure fear and agony from his action. But it gave him great satisfaction knowing he was the last to hear Hari's voice even if it was a scream. Hari lied motionless with a monotone face.

He snorted chuckling a little "Of course you can't answer, but you know what's best for you. Right Hari Kurono?" Overhaul smiled caressing his face. Hari was repulsed, in the past he wished to receive his affection, but now the thought of him touching him made him wish for death.

Overhaul frowned seeing the expression on Hari’s face, "Don't you dare test my patience.." gripping Haris throat, cutting off the air from reaching his lungs.  A short rush of adrenaline kicked in his body giving him enough strength to pull away from Overhaul but ultimately failing

He was done playing games he'd been too nice and now Hari was thinking he could get away with acting up. Overhaul took out a knife "Hari I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this, but you leave me no choice" he held Hari's hand who was desperately trying to get away.

"Don't worry Hari it won't hurt long, this is for your own good. it hurts me more than it hurts you" liar, please somebody get me out this hell, thought Hari as tears continued to fall down his face. "Besides I can always put you back together, my sweet Kurono Hari"

The blade against Hari who was shaking in fear. "Don't make this any more complicated than it has to be, now stop moving or I'll cut more than what's necessary". The incision was painfully slow, that's when Hari realized Overhaul wanted him to suffer, he was sawing not cutting 

He opens his mouth wanting to scream but he couldn’t, he sat there defenseless doing nothing but cry and wish for death. “Hari I know it hurts, oh stop that please don’t cry” he sighs pausing for a quick second “fine I’ll give you a sedative just this once.” Hari didn’t know if this was good or bad. On one hand, he would be numb and not feel anything sparing him pain but that would only mean Overhaul would come up with more sadistic forms of torture. 

"This won't hurt, it's nothing compared to what I could do to you” Hari truly doesn’t feel anything. He lies to himself that it's all a dream, soon he'll wake up and things would be normal again. But it wasn't, this was hell on earth, with overhaul death wasn't an escape, it was a door that would always lead to the same room.

He could still feel the knife sawing through his flesh, Hari found it ironic how he saw this as a form of mercy, what good was it for him to feel nothing if Overhaul was still acting with ill intent? "See? It wasn't that bad. Although I will say you're bleeding an awful lot.” he hummed bringing the blade up to his mouth. Chrono looked back at him in fear of what he was to do next. Overhaul looked at the blade as if to inspect it, admiring the way Hari's blood stained the blade.

"You know I've always wondered what you'd taste like" he tauntingly twirls the knife in his hand "suppose it's never too late to find out" he takes the knife and gives it a long lick around the edges. "You taste quite heavily, why don't we get some more" before Hari could even process what the brunette said Overhaul lunged at Hari's fingers, slicing them off with a clean cut.

Overhaul lowered himself to the stumps staring in awe as the blood gushed out. He grabbed the severed fingers and licked them "have I ever told you that you have nice fingers? Incredibly soft, I almost feel bad for cutting them off, but it's okay I'll fix you up real quick after I'm done with this."

Hari looked back at him disgusted and confused, this was out of the normal routine. Overhaul then stood up, severed fingers still in mouth and twirled. "Oh Kurono I really hope you won't mind but I just want to return the favor~" Overhaul grabbed the blade and slashed his tongue "Now we can both taste each other!" He smashed his lips against Hari's, swirling his tongue inside. “This is kinda gross but it feels so good, you’ve been a good boy so far Hari, maybe I should reward you, hows that sound? You want your voice back, maybe ill let you grow out your hair even if it’s just a little bit” he stopped briefly to caress his face “or perhaps you’ll like to go outside again, see the sun and not be in your room all day?”

Hari’s eyes lightened up with a faint shine of hope /outside?/ would Overhaul really grant him his freedom? Without thinking it much further he nodded.

“Oh so you want to go outside? Well” Overhaul resumed kissing his …’friend’ “that’s too bad because you belong here Hari” 

His heart sank, along with a sharp pain in his abdomen. Blood. 

“You truly are a fool Hari, always a loyal servant. Look at you now, trapped, lead by your own desire to be noticed.” he darky laughed “I’m not even going to bother fixing you up, let this be a lesson for letting your emotions get to you” he chuckled exiting the room and leaving Hari to bleed out.

Hari knew the devil was real, and that devil was Overhaul.