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Ive seen a lot of people confuse me leaving for “people being mean to writers” or getting hate for the things i write of how i write them but its not
But Im not leaving just bc of the audience, i can handle some hate and honestly it was kinda fun from them bc ik that hate comes from jealousy and trolling
Im leaving because of other writers and my “friends”
Ik i said i would get into it and i really dont want to all that much bcuz im tired and just wanna be done with this but it feels wrong to leave under a false assumption and let people think their actions dont have consequences
Ive dealt with a lot from my peers on here, back talking, hating, straight up bullying, and i just cant anymore
I cant deal with drama irl AND on the internet, bcuz at the end of the day i can just delete everything on here and be done with it all so thats wat im gonna do
Tbh this has been building up for a while, i can only handle so much from “friends” and irl i cut people off pretty quick and on here should be no exception but ive fucked up and let people do watever too long and its bitten me in the ass
Yes ik im dramatic lol, ive gotten that a lot and a lot of people hate me for, a lot of people love me for it, its how i am and it keeps things interesting. I get it, i like to make a lot of call out posts. Y? Bc people deserve to be called out and idgaf ab appearances on here. If someone did something bad, im gonna call them out bc last i checked its my blog and i can do wat i want. If u wouldnt do it, thats fine, its ur decision, and this is mine
Yes, i dont post a lot, I. Am. Busy. I have work. I have school. I have a social life. I cant write smut all the time even tho i want to, and at the end of the day, its not my job to write smut all day so people can read it and move on. I like to interact with yall, its fun, i like to talk to a lot of different people on her since my irl friends arent really into anime. Apparently people think im a loser for that? Ok? Sorry i like to talk to people on the internet when im bored instead of producing smut all day for people to read, ig i shouldve remembered im only on here to provide content since i dont deserve to have some fun, my mistake
Requests? Requests r a generosity. So many of my requesters have been absolute angels with being patient in receiving their requests, happy to just see me writing or interacting at all. Others have hounded me regularly telling me im lazy and selfish for not completing my requests, saying im an asshole for not completing them over my own projects bc “they asked first”. LMAO, U WRITE IT THEN???? i dont owe anything to anyone, certainly not someone who comes here solely to read my fics, not even leaving any interaction or encouragement whatsoever, then leave.
The icing on the cake? The tip of the iceburg? Discord of all places. Im sorry some of u didnt enjoy my server, i really am. Ive never used discord before and me and the mods did the best we could and im sorry i couldnt be as attentive to it due to my busy schedule
Im sorry i couldnt get there in time to stop conflicts or just straight up call people out, and im sorry someone had to make another server since they didnt like how i was handling mine bc i didnt take their side in a fight that THEY WERE WRONG IN? But i tried to be nice, tried to defend her and nicely explain y she was she cant say anything they want in any situation bc people get hurt. but it didnt matter. Y? Bc apparently i cant tell people what they can and cant say…
And that made me realize something! Theyre right! Theyre absolutely right and im so stupid for not seeing it until now! I cant stop people from saying things to me. I cant stop people from talking shit ab me. I cant stop people from even saying things on my own blog and server! I just cant. Bcuz in the end, people r gonna say what they want and do what they want bc people dont wanna learn. They dont wanna talk. They dont wanna hear ab how what they do or say affects others. They just wanna do what the want when the want, and they wanna be allowed to, bc fuck everybody else. Everybody is the victim in their own story, and i deserve to be the victim in mine.
And what would a victim do in this situation?
Leave.
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hi, just wanted you to know that if you ever wanted to like. interest-dump about cotl and your thoughts about the lore/storyline and stuff as ive seen you show in your art, id read PARAGRAPHS. im so curious and love to hear about people's interest in game/story/media lore and the interpersonal relationships within the universe!!! - from an autistic system who has loved your art since like. forever. (u can call us moss)
okay hi moss :3
i'm kind of due for an infodump on my cotl headcanons, so! i'll try be somewhat concise because this is going to be a long post anyway rip. i drew some pictures :D
(i can't really think of any warnings to give outside of usual cotl themes/killed race/dying/blood/etc but let me know)
obviously watching the destruction of your entire race is traumatic as fuck, also because it likely took a few weeks or months to achieve. so they died pretty underweight/weak bodied/pretty shut down. the bishops are gone by the time lamb is revived by toww, and their body hadn't quite made it to a 'body pit' (or food pit). still, they get Their Bell from another of their race on the way out. probably weren't thinking about it too hard and just desperately wanted to grab something while their eyes burned in their sockets and this red crown fit like molded clay in their hand. my lamb has a little notch out of their left ear which was caused while escaping, which ends up never healing because of a few reasons but mostly because i like it.
over the course of the game/story they start to slowly physically change. after revival it takes scars a Long time to fade, considering lamb is technically a walking corpse, and also because of their affiliation with Death (narinder, who has similar i'll mention later). they get dark marked lines under their eyes from that classic 'bleeding eyes' action during rituals/etc. their ears but especially horns get longer and sharper. their way of coping is similar to most lambs, jokes and pulled punches.
by the end of the 'main game/toww fight,' they've already made their choice, and start flexing their control/communication with the red crown itself. it gets harder for toww to view through it, and lamb gets somewhat intoxicated with the idea of an ultimate revenge, having killed all the other bishops. they've done everything they can to stop their cult members noticing signs of weakness, but as things get more stressful this kind of rubberbands around to them seeming extremely unstable. by the time they go to fight toww they're muttering nonstop, barely aware, and also they let their wool get longer and basically end up with a mullet. <3 because it's funny to me
they obviously beat toww and for them it's like a smashing of clarity, like a gripped handle let go, standing up from the river of blood. it's freeing but also the most pain they've ever been in. and instead of killing toww this pit in their stomach spares him. lamb went from a corpse to a god and now, in some sick way, they want to watch a god turn into a living corpse, just like them. because with every other sheep dead, narinder is the only one with a connection to that genocide, the cause of the other bishops doing it.
narinder hates their fucking guts. obvs. he thinks, or knows, that lamb is doing it on purpose. but narinder's body hasn't been normal for far, far too long. even before he was made death (as in artworks i've done with him), his body turned skeletal and rotted away. lacerations open all over his body, but especially down his front torso. when he's first brought to the cult, lamb gives him red robes, also because of this 'problem'. but narinder does every single thing he can against them. he gets white robes and lets them turn bloodied and disturbing to everyone around him.
even washing them stops working, and lamb does resign slightly to letting him sit in his dirty stupid robes. it's the pettiest shit. narinder also keeps his veil, and lamb can't bother with a reason to take it away. let that dumbass keep his yuck robes and veil. you can only stick him the stockade for a week before your other followers get too concerned.
over time, they do end up getting closer, but it comes from a place from both being touched and changed by Death, the red crown, and the choices of the other bishops. it takes a really long time and only after all the other bishops have been recruited (another whole thing). both of them catch themselves enjoying little things, and then having moments of all the pain bleeding through. an example is over time narinder does end up wearing darker robes, but it's fairly gradual. in this piece, it's lamb getting too deep in the countless lives that were taken from their race, triggered by blood (a whole little story thing), and narinder does make the (semi subconscious) choice to wear dark robes.
anyway you're probably looking at that giant shadow in the picture huh. it takes a long time but lamb Does end up truly becoming a bishop.
not 100% done with this design, but it has the basics. their main horns end up breaking off (thinking of a story behind that still). the main thing with them that i really like is they have multiple strings of bells on them. so everyone starts associating the sound of ringing bells as Death. so if you hear them, they're coming for you. that being said, they also have the ability to move completely silently, despite being covered in bells. which adds to the scaring-the-fuck-out-of-everyone factor.
there's a ton more i could get into with the other bishops, ratau, the duck siblings, the crowns themselves, more aym and baal, but i'm probably gonna do more artworks with them so i can talk more then :3 this is already too long lmao
thanks for the ask though!! it's nice knowing people are interested in my stuff :D (it's also worth mentioning that i am also a system and have alters of lamb, narinder, and aym and baal, who all contribute to this stuff)
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Carry On
Chapter 2
Summary: It was just a simple hunt, found on a pie festival. It was supposed to be easy. Something they’d all done one hundred and one times a million. No one could have told Y/N, Dean, and Sam that nothing from that point on would ever be the same again.
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester
Word Count: 2796
Warnings: Heavy, HEAVY TW: Dean’s final episode of SPN. (Season 15x20 spoilers). Graphic injury. Me botching medical jargon, A lot of pain, blood, and hospital type atmosphere. Injured Dean Winchester. Angst.
Due to the graphic nature of this fic, and the fact that it will eventually contain Smut. This fic is an 18 + only fic! If you’re under 18 DO NOT read this fic!
A/N: This fic is beta’d by @kazsrm67 Thanks so much love! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you all enjoy this ride with me!
My Mastlist Series Masterlist
Y/N followed the nurse and Sam down the hallway towards the ICU ward of the hospital with legs that felt as if they each weighed fifty pounds. She never thought in a million years that this would be so hard. For hours, she had sat in that room with Sam on pins and needles; wanting to see him, wanting to know if he was okay, if he’d survived the surgery. Now, as they made their journey through the busy hospital hallways with all the smells of bleach and Lysol burning her nose, as well as sick or injured people rolling around in wheelchairs, or people with bandages tied to random parts of them walking slowly with nurses wheeling IV poles some with multiple bags hanging from them, it only served to send her anxiety through the ceiling.
Thoughts of, ‘will this be Dean one day? Stuck in a wheelchair, watching from his doorway as people moved on about their day or their own recovery while he was trapped in his own body?’
Of all the cruel things in the world that could have happened to Dean, after everything he’d been through, after all he’d sacrificed, being confined to a chair and unable to hunt, unable to drive his baby, unable to do basic everyday things, that seemed the cruelest form of a living hell to her.
All of this flooded her mind knowing that there was a good chance Dean would never wake up again, that infection would set in; he wouldn’t ever survive to get to that point, but she couldn’t make herself believe that. She couldn’t make herself believe that he’d held on this long, survived the flight here, survived being impaled against a fucking poll, just to die on his back in an ICU bed, unable to talk, unable to move, and unconscious. She couldn’t accept that; wouldn’t accept that.
They followed the nurse behind a set of heavy doors that required her to slide her ID badge to open, and stepped into a large room with a huge desk in the middle of it, and curtained off rooms with patients lying in beds. Some, just from standing at a distance, looked worse than others did. Most of them were on some kind of life support, the ones she could see with the curtains open anyway, and it was so deadly quiet in there that you could have heard a pin drop down the hallway. It almost had the same air as a funeral home did right before the services started, and the mourners gathered around to say their final farewell; it made her breath quicken and her chest tighten.
“Okay,” Rayne said as she turned around in front of the blue curtain she’d led them to in the center of the circle of ‘rooms.’ “I’ll give you guys some time, I’ll be right there at the nurse’s desk. Remember, he looks a lot worse than what he actually is right now. He’s stable. He’s a little pale, a little swollen from the surgery and trauma he’s been through; but he’s comfortable. If you need me, I’ll be at the nurse’s desk until I have to come get you guys. I can’t let you stay here, but we allow visitors to come in and check on their loved ones every few hours, and I’ll leave you with a phone number to my desk over there, where you can give his name and call any time for updates. If something happens, whether it’s an increase or a decrease in his stability, or whatever, I will let you know.”
Sam swallowed thickly and nodded as the nurse pulled the curtain to the side, and allowed the pair to step in before she closed it, leaving them alone with Dean.
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight that awaited her there on that bed. It almost didn’t even look like Dean. His face was swollen. He was shirtless and had it not been for his tattoo, she might have argued that they’d brought them to the wrong person. There were tubes coming from his mouth and sides, one of which she assumed was the vent and the others drains. His chest rose and fell in a strange, slow rhythm. His arms were flat down by his sides. There was bruising she could see on his chest, sides, and upper left shoulder. It sent her heart crashing to her feet as she numbly made her way to one side of the bed, and Sam the other.
This couldn’t be real! She was dreaming. This had to be a nightmare, and if Sam wasn’t standing across from her, she probably would have pinched herself to try and wake herself up. Dean looked so helpless, so small in that big bed covered in tubes and monitors. The muffled beep from the heart monitor was maddening. It was all too much, but something, a force she never would understand, moved her closer to him, and she reached to run her fingers through his hair as a fresh wave of emotions crashed into her chest and ran down her face.
“Fuck Dean,” she whispered in a shaking voice. Sam said nothing, he just stood there, eyes glued to his big brother; oversized hands gripping the handrails for support. “Sam, there has got to be something we can do, try and contact Jack, anything? We can’t just leave him like this!”
“He told me not to intervene Y/N. I have to respect his wishes, and besides, even If I could, there’s no way I could get in contact with Jack to have him step in and make this right. He’s not Chuck, he’s left this in our own hands, he said so himself. He’s not gonna be hands on. If you try and do something as stupid as sell your soul for him, that’s not gonna do Dean any favors. I watched it nearly kill him when Dad did it, and if you or I do that; it will kill him. Dean is just gonna have to fight this out on his own. There's nothing we can do.”
Y/N’s emotions were all over the place, and in her grief soaked mind, she felt as if Sam was giving up on him, and it sent her blood pressure through the roof. Like he was just walking away, doing nothing to help, even if she did understand the logic behind his words, it still stung; if she wasn’t standing there with her fingers running through Dean’s hair, she probably would have screamed at him.
“If he survives this,” Sam continued, “He’s not gonna be the same. He’s gonna need someone with him, he’s gonna need you. Y/N there’s some things I just can’t do for him that you can.”
“Oh, I’m not going anywhere Sam, not unless he wakes up and sends me away, but why do I get the feeling you're about to tuck tail and run away?” she bit out, and visibly flinched.
“There are some things I’m gonna have to go home and do, like take care of Miracle. I’ll be back, but you heard the doctor. They think you’re his wife. You’re gonna be number one on the contact list, and I’m not mad about that, please don’t think that, you did what you had to do to get them out there. You’re the reason he’s still alive. I’ll be back, I just got to go get Miracle, and I’ll be back… And maybe even get Eileen.”
“Bullshit,” Y/N growled, as she looked down at Dean’s face. “You’re not coming back.”
“Y/N, I love him, he’s my brother, I’ll be back, but I’ve got to wrap up this hunt, take care of Miracle–it’s really, really hard for me to see him like this right now. Dean’s gonna be in this hospital for a long time, but when he gets out, he’s not gonna be able to travel, I don’t want to set him up at a hotel. I’ll have to rent him an apartment, and Eileen can help with that. We’re gonna all need each other. I might leave for a while, but I trust you to take care of him, and I will be back.”
She knew arguing with him was not something that was going to help either of them right now, and especially not going to help Dean. She could tell by the look on Sam’s face he was struggling; it was hard to see Dean this way. The man that had always been there for him and taken care of him when quite frankly no one else would. So, she would let him leave without a fight, and hope he wouldn’t do his brother the disservice of turning his back on him.
It wasn’t even anything Sam had done in the past that made her feel this way. Her trust issues were earned when her own family turned their back on her years ago. Honestly, it’s just hard to turn something like that off.
“You need to be here when he wakes up Sam,” she scolded him one final time for good measure, because she just couldn’t help it. His emotions may have been high right now, but so were hers.
“I will be back in three days, I swear it, and then I will rent that apartment so that we will have somewhere to take him when he’s released until he can come home.”
Y/N nodded, but didn’t say anything, she was tired, so very tired, and didn’t have it in her to carry on this conversation any further.
In what felt like no time at all, the curtain drew back, and Rayne was standing there with an apologetic look on her face, ready to tell them it was time to leave.
“He likes that,” she said, looking at the monitor over Dean’s right shoulder behind where Y/N was standing.
“What?” she questioned, and the nurse smiled and pointed at the monitor.
“His heart rate, it lowered to a resting pace, It was slightly elevated when I walked you guys in here. I can see it on my computer at the desk. I was wondering what calmed him down, if it was just the medication or what, but apparently, he really likes it when you play with his hair.”
It was something she had been doing since she had walked in, and she hadn’t even really registered that she was still doing it, but when she looked down at him as she carded her fingers through his short hair again, he did look as if he was more relaxed than he did when she walked in. As much as she could tell anyway with all those tubes and things running from him.
“I wish I could stay here with him,” she admitted, and the nurse nodded sadly.
“In a few hours you can come back in and sit with him a little longer. Right now, he needs his rest,” she said. “I will keep a close eye on him, and if anything changes, I promise I will come and get you or call you.”
Y/N nodded as the pressure started to build behind her eyes, and she fought back tears that threatened to spill there in front of everyone. She had never felt this weak; this vulnerable, and she definitely didn’t like the fact that this was so out of her hands, and that there was nothing she could do to make this better for Dean; when in all honesty, she would have traded place with him in a heartbeat, she almost prayed it would have been her instead. She’d gladly take it all away for him. The pain, the battle to come, all of it.
She leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead, lingering there longer than she should have, but she didn’t give a shit what anyone thought at this point. Sam leaned forward and placed his hand on top of Deans as well, giving it a squeeze as his hazel eyes took in Dean’s sleeping form.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can, and I’ll even try to get them to let me get Miracle in here to see you if you can wake up for me, okay? Just hang in there, man.”
The pair followed the nurse out into the waiting area again reluctantly, and Y/N did her best to stabilize her breathing as she settled on the couch that sat in the room. It wasn’t big, but she’d make due, because in two hours she could see Dean and that would be worth it.
“Go back to the motel Y/N, get some sleep, and then come back and see him.” Sam suggested as he adjusted his jacket, Dean’s keys gripped tightly in his hands.
“Na, I think I’ll stay here with him until I can see him again,” Y/N answered, and Sam tossed Dean’s keys to her.
“Here, he’s gonna want to know where his baby is when he wakes up, I can uh… hitch a ride, and be back here with my own car,” Sam said with a wink. “Let me know if anything changes, I’ll be back in two days.”
Without a word, she watched him leave. When she could no longer see him, Y/N looked at the clock, this was going to be a long two hours, but an even longer week. She needed to see his eyes again. She needed him awake. More than she needed oxygen.
There was a slight fear that when Dean woke up, he’d ask her to leave. Dean had never really shown her that he really cared for her much more than a fellow hunter. Other than that, Y/N was just another person standing in the room. The likelihood that he would wake up and dismiss her was greater than him asking her to say, no matter how much the nurse said he liked it when she played with his hair.
“Here,” a sudden voice made her startle, and she looked up to see Rayne standing over her with a blanket, and a pillow. “Try and get some sleep, I’ll come and wake you when it’s time to go see him again.”
“Thanks,” Y/N responded as she took the pillow and blanket from her. “Is he okay?”
“He’s stable,” she answered with a smile. “Which alone is a big step for someone who suffered such a bad injury.”
Y/N chewed on her lip as she thought about that for a moment, and Rayne turned to leave, she wasn’t going to ask, but she had to know, she just had too.
“Can he hear us, when we’re in there with him? Does he know what’s going on?” Y/N questioned, and the nurse stopped dead in her tracks, and turned around with her hand on the door frame as she thought about that for a moment.
“Medical Scientists and professionals will tell you no, they can’t hear you, that they are in a completely unconscious state, but I’ve been an ICU nurse for over 20 years, and I think they’re wrong. I’ve had patients be in comas for almost a month, to the point where we have to take the vent out and put a trache in to prevent infections and other complications; but when they woke up, they’d tell their loved ones about conversations they overheard, or songs that where played, or someone playing with their hair.”
Y/N nodded slowly, and looked down at the blanket that was still in her hands as she tried to process that information.
“The human mind is an amazing thing, just when we think we’ve got it figured out, someone comes along and proves us wrong. I've never seen someone with an injury as bad as Dean’s to survive the transport, let alone the surgery. I watched the physical response when you started to play with his hair. I think he might know you’re there, even if he can’t communicate it, or if he can’t remember it, I believe that he senses you.”
Y/N offered the nurse a smile and looked back down at the blanket, words failing her. She hoped she was right in a way, and she at least hoped Dean knew that he wasn’t alone. She may not have felt like she counted for much, but she was there for him, she’d be there until she was sent away, no matter how long it took; maybe one day, she’d get the nerve up to tell him how she really felt about him, but right now, she just wanted him to be okay.
“Get some sleep Mrs. Clearwater.”
“I’ll try.”
Forever:
@demongirl1996
@as-lost-as-sams-shoe
@jensenslady79
@wittysunflower
@spnwoman
@stoneyggirl2
@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men
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Jensen and Dean’s Babes
@deans-baby-momma
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@msmarvelouswinchester
@akshi8278
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@mlovesstories
#carry on#dean winchester#dean winchester fanfiction#dean winchester fanfic#dean winchester series#spn fanfiction#spn series#dean winchester x reader#dean winchester x you#dean winchester x y/n#dean x reader#dean x you#dean x y/n#jawritter#jensen ackles
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twenty questions for fic writers
tagged by @tetrapod7! thanks man, this was a fun one.
1. how many works do you have on ao3? 17 on my current account. there's more on my old one and obviously that doesn't count everything i published on other platforms (livejournal, ff.net) in the ancient days, lol
2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? again just on the wolfspider account, 168,153. i cant tell if that feels low or high to me
3. what fandoms do you write for? right now, just wild hrpf. in the past it's been mostly anime and various cartoons.
4. top five fics by kudos: i'm hitting the skip button on this because like. wrt my own work i think it's not a very good metric of EITHER how popular those stories actually were OR the quality of them; they're mostly the TUA ones and im chalking that up to that fandom being Huge when i was active. my most kudos'd fic of all time is still how much was mine to keep, though, and i think that one holds up.
5. do you respond to comments? i try to now. i went through a long phase of not engaging with comments due to Social Anxiety and also being kind of fed up with the hyper-combative culture in the fandoms i was in. like i wanted to just yeet my work out there and be done with it. in hrpf fandom i'm actually interested in the community aspect though so ive been trying to get over myself and respond as best i can.
6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? the brodsfabes time loop fic, hands down. it's weird because as a reader i am um. not very into unhappy endings or unconsummated angst but every once in a while when i'm writing i'll get into a Mood and write something viscerally upsetting. anyway that one was pretty clearly me processing some grief that was happening in my real life, lol.
7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? probably entangled, from my spiderverse days. ngl i kind of hate it now though so let's move on from this. i think most of my fic has happy or at least ambiguously-positive endings, though.
8. do you get hate on fics? only one time ever and it was someone complaining that a ship i tagged for wasn't present in the story after One Chapter so. we're discounting that one. i've been pretty lucky!
9. do you write smut? yeah. my relationship with writing pornography ebbs and flows, like. sometimes i'll be really into it but sometimes i'll just stick a sex scene into a story where i feel like it's the least interesting thing that happens because people expect it and aren't going to read a romance that isn't leading up to that. i'm a horrible pervert and building up to a sex scene is an easy way to give your story a climax (...in multiple senses of the word) though so. why not.
10. craziest crossover: i don't write crossovers but if i did it would be the insane one ive been thinking about lately where the minnesota wild are stuck in the dungeon from dungeon meshi
11. have you ever had a fic stolen? not to a degree that i can prove it but part of the reason i left TUA fandom was somebody, in my opinion, ripped off large chunks of one of my fics and did just enough massaging of the language to make it defensible as Not Plagiarism. ruined the whole experience for me though.
12. have you ever had a fic translated? no, i think that would be one of the highest honors i could receive as a writer though. i wish i knew enough of a second language to translate my own work, but i'm still at like a kindergarten level in japanese so that will. Not happen.
13. have you ever co-written a fic before? tried to once with someone i am no longer friends with, it was a disaster. never gonna do that again. i am just too much of a control freak to relinquish any amount of creative decisionmaking i think.
14. all time favorite ship? don't have one! i tend to like hyperfixate on one ship for anywhere from one month to a year and a half and then when the brain juice runs out im Done and i never want to think about this concept again. im giving check please jackparse a point for being a ship i can read about post-fixation without getting bored but other than that. right now it's 725, in the future, who can say.
15. what's a wip you want to finish but never will? [stares at my overflowing gdocs draft folder. stares at the camera] i do not see it
16. what are your writing strengths? i like my prose, most of the time, and i think i'm pretty good at descriptive writing and like, internal character voice. sometimes i can accidentally stumble into excellent pacing
17. what are your writing weaknesses? INTENTIONALLY good pacing. writing dialogue that sounds like a human said it and not a sitcom character. i'm decent at line-by-line editing but awful at structural editing. recently ive become aware that i tend to subconsciously reuse certain plot beats a lot.
18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? like anything else, there's a way to do this that's fine and interesting and a way to do it that's insultingly terrible and it all depends on intent and execution. like if you're peppering in phrases in a second language just to show off that a character Is Foreign, don't do that. try to do it in a way that's realistic for how people talk. do it purposefully, i suppose
19. first fandom you wrote in? god dude i do NOT remember this was literally 21 years ago but probably either naruto or fullmetal alchemist.
20. favorite fic you've written? probably one of the unpublishable ones tbh. or the time loop one again. honestly i really like all my hrpf work, ive been putting out some bangers lately. it's nice to feel like ive been growing as an ~artist~ or whatever.
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fave abo fics... go!!!
oh my god!! my very first fic rec!!!! lets gooo
💫 milk kinship by @jaerie
i honestly love everything jaerie writes and anytime i get the ao3 email that they’ve posted something new im ON IT, this one is one of my favorite of theirs, its got lactation kink, harry as a wet nurse, louis being a lil hot asshole (omega harry)
💫 say something by @kingsofeverything
this one is just 10/10 good old(lol) fanfic, i like long fanfics so if you’re like me this one is a great size, great characters and mpreg some age difference, whats more to ask? (omega harry)
💫 pretty please (with sugar on top) by @angelichl
this one mixes two of my favorites, sugar daddy and abo, this one is for the people who like pining, im not much of a fan but this one does it great, i love the characterization of harry in this, hes just a spoiled baby ok??? hes never done anything wrong in his life (omega harry)
💫 the post-war bp by @jaerie
yeah no THIS ONE is my favorite jaerie fic ksksks this one is lil post apocalyptic kinda and has dub-con, breeding kink so is not for everybody (im a sicko, so) (omega louis)
💫 come on over, we’ve got something to share by @jaerie
im a jaerie fangirl ok sorry, this one is really fun, we’ve got single parents, one night stands, lactation kink and more! (omega harry)
💫 fucking animals by pointerbrother on ao3
this one is SOMETHING ELSE, i only read this one once(ive read every single other fic of this list MULTIPLE TIMES) and ive been wanting to re read it but it is a DOOZY, we’ve got cuckolding which ive never seen in a larry fic before, and the smut is UP THE WALLS (omega louis)
💫 constant debauchery by blaaake on ao3
this one is alpha/alpha and ITS SLAPS, we have the forbidden attraction they have for each other plus dark academia kinda plus great smut, im not usually a fan of a/a or o/o but this is great
💫 pray for some sweet simplicity by @eeveelou
the one where omega louis pretends to be an alpha to be a world renowned motorcycle ryder and harry is a journalist who writes a piece about him, fandom classic, show stopping work (omega louis)
💫 face your fears by @sadaveniren
and last but not least, my FAVORITE FIC IN THIS ENTIRE FANDOM, no joke, i think i read this 10+ times (im due to a re read actually 🤔), if you haven’t read this you absolutely should, i dont even wanna talk about the plot too much, its perfect in every way, we’ve got baker harry, famous louis, single parent harry, finding each other later in life, TWINS??? (omega harry)
finally, as i mentioned before, i put my hand on the fire for all of these fanfics, minus one, i’ve read all of these multiple times and i plan on keep re reading on the future
#loved looking back at my ao3 bookmarks#fic rec#omegaverse#harry styles#louis tomlinson#harry#louis#larry#larry fic
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I’m kinda surprised that you don’t like Dylan? He seems to be such the fan fav I don’t think I ever actually seen anyone rank him so low on their list- what’s your opinions on his character?
yeaah i just didnt really vibe with him when i played, plus i got pretty annoyed seeing him everywhere before getting into the game (travis too but thats a whole nother thing). like good for all you guys for having fun but i just cant get into it
im gonna be honest about my opinions on him so if you reeaaaaally like dylan i recommend not reading. and i mean that genuinely
1.ive just. i immediately saw dylan as one of those like male characters that get super popular in a fandom bc he: is white.is a guy. is a brunette. is associated w/ a gay ship. and is fit under a "bad boy / mentally ill / misunderstood" trope. i truly and honestly dont care if someone likes these types of characters. as long as you're not a fucking freak, i dont give a shit what you do. its just such a prominent trend that should make you go HMMMMM fandom hates women and people of color! and basically im just sick of that trend! so seeing dylan also fit into it turned me super off lmao
2. in relation to his character, i think its fine, i guess, its nothing revolutionary. especially in regards to other supermassive characters.... i thought about this during work one day and like. emily has a similar character to dylan LOL and ive had this thought before but. dylan and emma are also very similar character wise! in terms of like. compensating ina very negative way due to insecurity! but you know whch characters get the most flack for being dicks? for being bitches? for being the worst? and you know who doesnt?
3. i also particularly hated the thing he did to abi during the camp fire scene. like. i dont care if you compensate by making jokes and shit, you're still an asshole. and so is emma. and so is emily. i dont understnad why dylan should get ANY different treatment. but anyway, that dare was absolutely targeted towards abi and nothing will change my mind on the matter. abi is very clearly on the outside of the group. hell, the entire time everyone (mainly kaitlyn and emma) makes comments about how incompetent abi is when it comes to dating anf shit. and so for dylan to ask what he did? it put her on the fucking spot and humiliated her. i dont care if he "saves" it if you dont interrupt as ryan, there's absolutely no way hes unaware of abi's standing social wise in the group. him asking HER that of all people is just shitty. he fucking knows what abi's answer is gonna be. and even though she never answers the question, the damage is already done.
and before anyone says anything, i know nick also was targeted in diff ways for being "incompetent" in this specific sense. which is another conversation im willing to have. but even so, rthe comment ryan still makes bout not letting that "prep aesthetic fool you"? and the way he kisses emma? he clearly has got some "game" or whatever the fuck. whereas abi doesn't really have any of those moments (except for kissing nick first, which is something kaitlyn ryan and dylan said she wouldnt do LOL). and speaking of kaitlyn? and in association, emma? what they did to abi is one of the things i hate most about them and what happens in game. its actually what made me begin to DISLIKE both of them when it happened. basically what im saying is, kaitlyn and emma arent exempt from this criticism just because i dont like dylan. and i also dont care if thats the "point" of truth or dare. it still makes all the characters involved fucking dicks. they know how abi is like, emma especially, so seeing them all pull this shit is just disheartening and sad.
and 4. i like being hastag different
#the quarry#asks#anon#mine#text#hopefully this is competent#my thoughts#jesscourse#discourse#[emma mountebank voice] ok :) i’m done#my TQ tag#TQ
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Coming and Going - Some More Vivzie Shit
Before you start, this is an extremely LONG read covering this account, my views of Viv, my content and my relationships within this Godforsaken fandom. This is my most up to date thoughts in 2023 on everything. This is something I feel necessary for me to do.
Contents (in no particular order):
Current Situation
Relationships in the fandom
Why I started this Blog
Thoughts on Viv/co and how they've changed since m previous posts
the fans
future thoughts and moving on
accountability
If any of this interests you, read ahead. Titles will be provided for easier following.
Why I started this blog
Originally this was a blog like any other; art, reblogs n shit. As I grew more into a Viv fan, I started posting fanart and follow blogs on her work. The more I learned the more I hated, and thus I began to become a critic. I was pissed off at viv wasting her potential, and eventually I became just as toxic and shitty as both her hardcore haters and majority of her fans. Some takes were good, some bad, either way I got too involved, too absorbed and let it consume me. Stupidly getting into conflicts, stuff like that. And I became a hardcore hater. I vocalised it. My initial aims long lost. Then I disappeared.
Vivzie, co, all that
I went from adoration to disgust of this lot. Now though, whilst I deeply dislike Viv and her crew, deeply dislike majority of the fans, I just feel... Gross. Hollow. Exhausted. I have a lot to say on Viv and my previous takes but truthfully I am too lazy and too tired and ultimately have better shit to do than go through every little thing right *now*. But I do want to at least cover a few here to do some justice, I guess.
So to skim through a few. Lets go.
Viv tracing. Honestly, tracing is a useful skill but it's bad when you trace another's work, don't credit and claim it as your own. This includes modified tracing (starting with a trace then stylising over it to make it more your style). Having nazi, nonce, etc characters I think people take extreme. These sorts make excellent "love to hate them" villains. Owning such characters isn't a crime. It's how theyre portrayed and the purpose. The nuance - something to constantly keep in mind. Her romanticism sausage party art is yikes. With her age, maturity, humour, I believe she saw this as some kind of fucked up humour, having enough awareness to understand the taboo to hide this stuff yet I do feel this was a stupid kid doing stupid edgy shit. Does that make it right? No. But I definitely dont think Viv is some nonce or nazi supporter. Later finding out how this profile was discovered makes me equally question morality on all sides. Vivs beastiality nonce artwork with the snake tub, Ive seen private dms to solidify that viv admitted to both owning this piece and that it was supposed to be a joke. Once again, I genuinely dont think shes a nonce BUT she needs to realise that if that character was below 18, she has drawn child prawn (censorship whooo) as well as distributed it via sharing online. That's still something really serious and gross. I get her humour is immature and dark, but theres lines you dont cross. And I dont find that art funny in any ways, it genuinely looks like a perverts wank bank rather than funny. Idk if the lad was one of them shapeshifting animals either but being in a human form in this instance does make the portrayal a beastiality one, due to human presenting. That's not cool. As much as I loathe those who would abuse kids or animals, I dont think this is Viv necessarily. Though I believe in this sense, Viv needs to understand and work with her cats more. She's done a lot of wrong shit but false accusations derail from solid proven issues that need addressing. At the least, Im glad the animal pervs and nonce stuff is gone. Heartbreaking that shit is so often heard of. This is the sort of thing Id laugh at as a kid but now Im grown and look after little ones, it fills me with nothing but sickening horror. Whilst vile vile vile, I havent seen anything concrete to prove or imply Viv supporting/participating in such depravity. And I fucking pray it stays that way.
You have apologised in the past. But the way you did so, the way you spoke about it afterwards and the way you are now proves it was insincere. Something to shut 'haters' up.
Viv, with all your shit, neurodiversity and late maturity, you're still yet to change for the better. The people you hang with are some of the most vile, toxic, narcissistic and shitty people. Yes men. You hire fans who'll do anything to please you, which can open the path to abuse (note: CAN, not a definitive, though in this case...). You equally are still a shitty person still. You're coming apart at the seams. Critique and hate aren't the same, and unfortunately you'll need adaptability and tough skin in this world as people can be very cruel. You lie. You twist like a constrictor. Charm the more susceptible. A very well known kissarse of yours on twitter who was quite the bully was followed by yourself, liked tweets then hired. They arent the only one either. Whilst you cannot be responsible for every single fans every single action, their are responsibilities you hold. Dont like tweets that encourage hate, dont reward negative behaviours, check your own public actions and how they may influence (act like a prick and those who admire you will mimic). Behind the scenes, treat people right. Dont play favourites. Always have integrity. Learn to incorporate critiques as well as filter out legitimate hate. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary to survive.
Viv, I can wholeheartedly empathise with receiving harsh hate early on in life and online. I know how that can taint and stunt the mind. But the thing is, you have to eventually break from that. BE responsible. Grow. Ive been toxic before. That's partially why I fixate on some of this. Equally Im angry. You ARE a VERY talented artist with potential. A shitty writer, do work on that (as well as diverse stories to tell - gain those experiences or listen to those who've been there - esp as you're doing this as a living) but when you're passionate about a piece, you're talented. And when you're not, you do what we all do and dole shite out (btw people thought I was bullying Viv when I said her P5 Alastor piece was bad in comparison to her other works. The proportions were awful, you could tell she just wanted it out the way. A startling lack of soul.) From what I've seen, you crave approval and admiration to compensate from the past cruelty. I can empathise. But that shit isnt healthy. And you block yourself from growth. You cultivate a tainted crop. You poison yourself. You sacrifice integrity and the gruelling work of improvement for the instant gratification of worship from fans by bending to their desires and your own at the cost of quality. What couldve been groundbreaking storytelling and visuals is nothing more than a glorified low-level fanfic. Wasted potential. Something I cant stand. I have been harsh as that same method helped me. In doing so, I disregarded your own humanity. I wish I conducted myself better and though I never encouraged abuse, I'm sorry that my words may have contributed to this shit cycle.
Your staff and many of your fans have... Concerning attributes, such as the fetishing of toxic relationships, blurred boundaries, disregard of boundaries, etc. The stark numbers of such unpleasant people flocking you is extremely worrying.
I do deeply dislike you. I do feel you have ultimately caused your own shit - been there - but I do pity you as well. I wish you'd go the effort to be you. To be less try hard. To allow growth and change, diversity, stop petting hatred. Get a better crowd, esp one willing to actually help you to be better by pointing shit out. To stop mass abusing others. I do dislike you greatly. I wish you would do better but all you've been doing is doubling down on shit. I feel Icarus needs to fly closer to the Sun for change to happen. It feels like the only way you may actually ground yourself and smell the roses. I just wish folk could be better as a whole. Sick of shit like this. Whilst no one is perfect, there's still standards to uphold. Growth to be had. Breach stereotypes and fetishes that dehumanise, work on yourself and your relationships with others. Careful on your humour and learn how to execute humour properly. Glad you're not doing beastiality art though. You cant please everyone and shouldnt have to in order to be admired and popular. Just be better. Also hating kids isnt a personality. I get not everyone cares about them but dont take shit too far. They can be gross and annoying but in the end they're just... Children. Theyre learning and growing. You can only hope they bloom into decent people. Admittedly a kid tripping is pretty funny but there's a limit. If you want to portray a creep, don't do anything that endorses their behaviours. Theyre vile, remember. No kid deserves that. Work on financing too. Medicating via shopping is a dangerous road. Dont bend to social pressures (such as getting wasted because friends do if you dont want to). Vet your staff. Better ethics.
Fandom
And the fans are just... A minority are lovely. I had a HuskerDust fan be respectful of our differences and hope the best for them. But the majority I've encountered or witnessed have been off their fucking heads. Often encouraged by Viv or staff. The staff and fans are now claiming that critics are homophobic racists falsely (which implies certain races, sexualities, identities, etc are absolved of criticism - which is both favouritism and it's own form of bigotry. Hell, it's spitting on the real victims of such crimes over mediocre cartoons and digital lunacy). These same people then insult people for... being cis and straight. Firstly, that's also bigotry and a dick move on identity and invalidation, it's also false in some cases (proving folks just spew shit), it demands special treatment for identities when we're all equal and deserve to be treated with equity, it's also just... Weak. Bigots can fuck off BUT many critiques have been about inconsistency in plots, writing and design issues, etc. Nothing pertaining identity.
Fans have been hypocritical like their idol. We're all hypocritical to an extent. But the madness... Ok, Blitzo uses retard (note: neurodivergant and have right to say that word, even then it also means delay "fire retardant" as well as where I live it's not nearly as bad as another term used yet is still fine in the US.) I think this isn't an issue as it can show things or speech patterns of the character. Then fans have falsely accused critics of ableism who either havent used the word, quoting this or even have right to say it yet coddle this fictional character. This was referenced in a recent episode with Blitzo about to call another character (rumours are this nurse is autistic but I do NOT have full confirmation. Pinch of salt!) retard before retracting it as it being unacceptable to say. Blitzo really wouldnt give a shit. Likewise I feel this is one of those permanant grey areas in fiction; is it? Isnt it? in terms of using terms. Of Mice and Men used slurs against black folk, that was to reflect that time and the character's mentalities. Not an author's mirror. Likewise, it wasn't used as humour either. Coming from ONE ND, I couldn't care. I feel this is hyperfocused on over more glaring issues, as well as a benefit of the doubt (being character mindset and possibly not author projection). Feel free to have your own opinions, and I only speak for myself there. I can empathise with those who may feel more sensitive to the word (which is why Im more careful in it's use) but as someone who is also technically affected, I just... Personally dont feel too bothered. Likewise, I'm learning to hold more human compassion and flexibility to error and human flaws rather than perfect standards (again, this wont justify or absolve. And more serious things like an assault doesnt apply. It's daft this needs clarifying, it should be the bare minimal). Not everyone will agree on everything, but there's just some lines that should be a standard. I think the staff and fans overall conduct themselves immaturely, cruelly, and cause harm.
I regret in engaging in some arguments. Not worth it. I think I shouldve been more compassionate to difference yet equally not been so volatile with harassment. HunterGirl's HD discord hate on me is... Something I shouldn't have fed. Hate me, that's fine. But the fact someone so close to Viv allowed the harassment is disappointing and shitty. Bitch behind the scenes but dont go out at people. Likewise behind the scenes talk, dont threaten folk either *Viv* (at one of your ex-staff). Call someone the biggest wanker you know but there are limits you dont cross. As with Viv and co, I once hoped for improvement but I just lack faith in that now and I'd just rather stay away from it all. Too much toxicity I've allowed myself to bathe in and hatred and venom only burns. Only burns more of the same product. It's not worth it. Don't even have the skills or assets to do any good from this either. If I can't help, itd be best to support those who can help whilst staying away from the vitriol. Stick to the facts and my own integrity. It's tiring to be involved in all... this. Again, I can only speak on myself hence why I'm only saying me shit. Any vents can be done to friends but otherwise none of this has resulted in any good. And I contributed to cruelty as well. It aint right.
Friendships
Bit more personal and past. Ive made many nice friends. Friends Im still friends with now, and I thank them. With certain issues arising, theyve been the anchors to ground and account me. Real friends. Friends that deserve to be shown more how appreciated they really are. Thank you. They have guided me into better awareness and accountability. We have our own little group now for art, gaming and hopefully any other group activities. Friend stuff. We'll rant, we'll vent, but we're actually doing friend shit now. Ive hyperfixated enough on negatives. Dragged others into an abyss with me. Its not fair for them.
There is a friend here, I think they dont see my stuff anymore idk. I was warned about them. Through all Ive seen and my experiences, I wish you to get help. Get off tumblr. Get off twitter. Both can be extremely toxic as well as cultivate toxicity. Be accountable. Get help. And focus on you. I still worry for you, though I am disgusted on some of your actions. Treat the living with respect. Learn that people will try to bait you. Let go of paranoia (not easy), confront your past and grow. And please... Dont lie. Dont lie about events that occur as you're creating your own misery. Learn to step back and not be so forceful and preachy. Been there, it's not a good place. Experience a diverse crowd on a human level. And please spend some time away from the internet. People really can be pricks sometimes. Even ourselves. You're also pretty hair trigger and tempered. A bit like me sometimes LOL. Learn to balance that. Trust me.
To mates on here who Ive only spoken to here, if you'd still like to be mates, I can link you our group if you're up for group art and gaming or activities, or to another social media account to chat.
To unanswered asks, I'll try but not promise to address them. Those which ended up deleted, I can only remember the one question sorry. And the answer is Sitri. Sitri would be a good HB replacement for Stolas, he's quite the love/lust expert and a focus on men. Fun chap! I had more for this answer but again, cant be arsed with this shit anymore. Sorry.
I joined a spindle critique group. What I learned is the union from bitterness isnt solid grounds for friendship. I wont go into details as it's a private and resolved matter. I shared the full log to current friends to have a neutral and raw take. These are friends I can trust will yank my chain if Im in the wrong. And they did. They spoke of the wrongs on both sides. These are folks who are guiding me to better. Folks I have trusted with the full log, full transparency. I appreciate you both and take your words into stride daily. To old friends, I would rather friends make their own choices. I never hated you, but was hurt on this other side of you. Likewise Im sorry to make you feel that way. Im sorry to have trauma dumped (recently discovered this term, and using it to manage myself better.) There was only one individual that I was given uneasy vibes on and made that clear from the start. I tried with them. For awhile, I even started to see them as a genuine friend. In the end, we were too clashing. We didn't mesh well. My initial feeling on the situation ultimately felt true. But when I open up about home issues and emotions, I dont want them weaponised. Especially as Ive been doing some irl work to find many holes in my perspective as well as others hard work in being involved with me. Things are different now. Never felt it needed in convo, I was too fixed on my own hurt. Home was self preservation at those times. I regret opening up over some personal issues. None of this absolves me of poorly handling situations and anger issues. Near the end, I felt more wary to be more open on certain things. But I shouldve been a better friend. I never liked how catty things got. Trolled. We all just became knobs in one way or another.
My ask to remove my triggers was me hoping to do good for you. Remove a trigger that would inevitably end up being a large part of the group sooner or later, maybe this summer. Especially as I 'lacked empathy'. I thought I was doing good. I never lied about it, and feel bitter that was twisted. If I explained something, I was wrong. Kept it brief, I was bitchy. I was willing to endure a trigger if it made things easier in the group, and the situation was more than a stupid ship. Ive had triggers Ive adapted to handle better now. And public, you are not entitled to my medical history however we're in an age where youre both valid and entitled to privacy yet must breach privacy to have a voice. I have an ED. A certain word wasn't even allowed in my presence without panic and flashbacks. I was a little girl then. And I managed to slowly ease the trigger word via gradual exposure - a replacement word, spelling the word, and eventually hearing the word. It - and what it has done to me - will always scar me. But I learned to handle it better in my own time. I dont need lecturing on how triggers work. Especially when each case is unique, each 'cure' is personalised. If you want to believe Im full of shit then... Do that. Im sorry for being a shitty friend at times and Im working on that, but outside opinions (note: these are done in private spaces so all parties are anon) have noted flaw on your end too. We all fucked up. The two things below the belt were the trigger claims (hence my example of my own experiences with another trigger) and my private issues shared in confidant are the two things I remain disgusted by. That doesnt justify my frustrations, dumping or behaviour. And my example is not a pity ploy either. We're separate now, and it's best that way.
Overall, being here, in this community and fandom, has done nothing but shit. Fuelled the worst in me and others (from what ive seen in public fandom spaces). I may do art and other creative endevours on spindle, but otherwise good riddance. Even if the purge is painful.
Another friend. Im in their group too. One to improve some creative skills. Appreciate being let in there, though I'll probably mainly lurk for tips. Thank you for allowing me to do so. Wording is honestly growing harder for me each day. It's helping me start the path of better expression.
Current and future
I word shit less. Not here, as this is long overdue. But trying to sum up more efficiently. Spending more time irl to improve myself and my life. Welcoming friends who we both can hold each other accountable and support. Focusing more on stuff to improve as well as enjoy. The world is so dismal. So I spend time doing other stuff. Im already mopey enough. Sorting things to refine and focus on enjoyments. Gaining skills to help others. Experienced some personal griefs/losses. And Im learning that people arent entitled to everything. Not quite there yet but Im learning. Im often in deep pain, so cant always do what I want to get done in a day.
Most likely, I will discontinue this. Besides others have been doing a brilliant job. Dont absorb yourself. You can control much of what you get exposed to, so what you can control, make it good! Have integrity, work on yourselves. Try not to be a dickhead but acknowledge where you are a dickhead and work on that. Balance is key to a healthy mind, take the good with the not so good. Take the time to simply sit outside and observe. Appreciate life. Similarities and differences. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. But have your standards. Learn. Grow.
Im in a lot of pain and have shit to do. Take care. I feel Viv, co, fans will only learn with drastics, haters need to learn empathy (haters as in stalker level folk), old friends Im sorry to hurt and equally feel hurt by. Best we've gone separate ways and moving on. Current friends I appreciate. That one person, please... PLEASE get help. Youre young, man- This shit is going to poison your very core. Make you into something shitty and cruel. And please treat animals with care. Me, still a twat but trying. Embrace truth, compassion and fairness with a firm angle. Or just avoid nasty shit.
Well, cya. Stay well. We're not going to be here forever.
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not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.
Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child
Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh
listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in
the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)
in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them
When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware
now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.
so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.
The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig
but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.
This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo
What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)
To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation
And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.
As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.
Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me
I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr
I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously
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20 questions for fic writers!
tagged by @honeyteacakes <3 (and belatedly, @tharkuun haha)
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
25
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
400,576 (+ 100k extra from fics i've deleted/orphaned in the past few years haha rip)
3. What fandoms do you write for?
i am at the mercy of the hyperfixation, and currently it's The Sandman and Dreamling exclusively.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
1) Salvation (How to Get Away With Murder) 2) The Red Witch (Good Omens) 3) Bolt in the Blue (The Sandman) 4) Let Me Down Easy (The Sandman) 5) Show Me (The Mandalorian)
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
yes and no. i love that people take the time to show their appreciation for a fic and i always want to reply and show how much it means to me... but i have this bad habit of not replying to comments on say, older works or older chapters of a fic. idk why... im just not good at it lol BUT I LOVE AND APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES 💖💖
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
oh, Exit Wounds, for sure haha
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
im a sucker for happy endings so i'd say, everything else lol but particularly Almost Idyllic (The Song of Achilles) due to the build up and Salvation also, because of the events leading up to the ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Not since my ff.net days haha.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
very occasionally. and nothing too wild (except for that dreamling butt plug one. that was. hmm.) but i typically enjoy writing first times.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
i do not.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
nope. though i have seen ideas/prompts used without credit. it doesn't bother me much.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
nope.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
once, The Red Witch (which btw has been discontinued, pls don't read it lol). it started off just me, then my editor jumped on maybe 5 chapters in once i realized they were much more versed in magick and fantasy than me.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
haha probably Zutara.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
ahhh haha... fuck. idk i want to say none. but my brain keeps whispering about the dreamling road trip au. i thought i had a plot but as i continue working on bitb and other little drabbles... ive realized i might've bitten off more than i can chew. and my only option is to completely sideline it until im done with bitb, or change the story (because right now the research i have to do for it is too much and y'all know how i am...) it sucks cos i do want to write it. but it's difficult when all my patience for research is already going into one fic (bitb).
16. What are your writing strengths?
dialogue and monologuing, probably.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
self 👏 motivation 👏 finding 👏 the 👏 urge 👏 to 👏 write (technically, it's tense. i flip between past and present tense constantly and at this point i just consider it one of my endearing qualities pfft)
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
i try to avoid it but when it happens i just use Google Translate and then toss a disclaimer that ive done my best (to which usually a commenter will helpfully correct me and then all is well)
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Inuyashaaaaa (Miroku/Sango omg). exchanging physical notebooks with my friends with fanfics we'd written in school lol
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
truly a tie between Savory & Sweet and Let Me Down Easy (at the moment). the restaurant au was so easy and fun to write (probably because i used to be in the industry) and i reread it a lot. the pacing is fast and i love how immediate Hob and Dream fall into each other haha. Let Me Down Easy was very similar. my major was Media Production in undergrad and although it's been a while since i've held a camera, it was fun putting myself back in that environment. also the angst and tension were just a blast to write and figure out.
(this was an excellent waste of time, thanks again!) tagged, if y'all want, @magnusbae @teejaystumbles @ml-nolan @tj-dragonblade @reallyintoscience @delta-pavonis @staroftheendless
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Hi there. I am a big fan of your work, and I constantly appreciate you on Tumblr. But due to the "rant" I will be beginning soon, I choose to send an anonymous ask.
I am tired. I feel exhausted and completely let down. I had major career plans and trials planned for this year, beginning with an exam Ive been wanting to give since 3 years. I thought I did my best but unfortunately I didn't make it. And I have a history of not being able to crack similar exams in the past. But this recent one, I thought I could. I wanted to, I was desperate for it, because it was/is my one step-forward towards my future (career wise & personally). I feel so disappointed in myself that I am not capable of making any decisions. My parents have always felt let down by me, due to the multiple failed attempts. They have not yet asked how I am doing or how am I coping (I mean, this is a common Brown-Desi mentality). But they knew how much I was rooting for myself in this particular exam. But I couldnt make it. I feel so inadequate.
Watching my peers achieve their goals, and also people living the life I've wanted to since my mid 20s, I began to think this isn't for me. Maybe I'm just meant to be where I am, and my ambitious goals are just a dream. My mom did mention once, my dreams aren't achievable because I am not capable for it. But I still kept trying, not to spite her... because I wanted to try.
But, now I'm just beat. Idk what to do. I can't make a decision and neither do I have any solution. I always am a practical,logical decision maker. But I'm just... It.. my family isn't asking me anymore. Maybe they have finally realized nothing can be done, or they are sweeping it under the rug. It isn't good or bad thing. I called my Best friend crying/wheezing on the phone because I'm scared what to do. She said I am completely burned out. Working, paying bills for the family, trying my best to study etc etc.
When I read "Shades of Gray", I totally related to Alexander. The way he felt he wasn't enough, made himself validated with work.. it hit me. I like my job, I work with amazing people, and I learn so much everyday. But I also want to succeed. I want to be happy with my choices. All I've noticed so far is, my choices have been hurting me. And idk where is the source. Sometimes I feel like shaking myself so hard, so I can find the loose screw and tighten it.
I am floating on a gray cloud, hoping the storm won't swallow me.
(sorry for the depresso theme in this ask, but I genuinely loved Shades of Gray) 🩶🩶🩶
Hello, darling.
Thank you for sharing all of this with me.
I get you. I really do.
If I may give you a word of advice, (as someone who was in a similar position), I've learned that it's often not our dream or goal that is not wrong, but rather our approach to it.
If you want to achieve ABC and you keep failing, it does not mean ABC is not meant for you and that it is unachievable. Sometimes, it simply means that the strategy that you used to achieve ABC is just not the right way to do it. Maybe it worked for other people, but that doesn't mean it will work for you.
Find what works for you and what will get you where you want to be. There is more than one way to achieve a dream. Remember that. Go back to square one and think about what needs to do be to get to where you want to be.
You can also consider slightly altering your goal to meet the realities of life. For example, let's say I want to publish a book. If i feel like oh no this is not going to happen because my draft was rejected by so many companies, I will consider slightly different goals until I find myself back there. I could write for competitions and online magazines and whatever else i like instead of keeping at it with the publishers. As long as i remember that it is writing that brings me joy and I find a way to keep finding that joy, you will find the strength you need to working towards your goal.
Your feelings are valid and I'm sorry that the exam didn't work out. but please be proud of all the hard work you put into it. I know I am.
if your choices are hurting you, choose differently. we often don't get to choose whether other people hurt us, we do get to choose if we hurt ourselves or not. i hope you will find the strength and support you need to find your way through this. i hope you find the courage to question your strategies and reevaluate your plans.
you got this x
ps - we need a vigilante who will start beating up desi parents who are assholes. i will get on this asap.
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thoughts about my oc/canon stuff under the cut.
so. aurellio and refa. aurellio was essentially born as a joke, saying "what if i made a centauri oc lmfao" and also, "what if, as a parallel to londo and adira, refa had his own dancer in a pre-canon timeline back home on centauri prime and they were both boys!" since yknow. refa is such an effective foil to londo i figured it would be a fun, kinda cute idea.
i also think it does narratively fit in well with b5. take londo, who isnt the best example but we see him commit all these horrible acts but we know about his love for adira, before we even see him start to reform or even start to really commit atrocities we know he has a heart. we find this out in the third episode. spectacularly done.
a better example of this would actually be bester, one of my other absolute favorite side villains. bester was never redeemed. bester, however, is given opportunities for the audience to see his heart. irt his family, his expectant lover, and his somewhat emotional reactions to the telepaths dying in season 5, though caused by him. we still hate him, he never gets redeemed, his love for the people in his life does still exist and doesnt excuse or justify his actions. it gives him a lot of depth that i also really enjoyed!
that is kind of what i'm trying to do with refa. aurellio is a late 20 something year old centauri who is majorly unaware of what refa is doing or does or will do in relation to his schemes to rise to power. i also think that in this pre-canon timeline (around 2253-2257) is when refa is doing little things to slowly climb to where we see him in the show. he always had a lot of power being the lord of his house so he didnt need to do much, but i think the ten or so years leading up to his appearance in the show was a slow, hands-off rise to power. so aurellio, who has no real relation to House Refa aside from being a patron, isnt involved or knowledgeable about house refa's politics.
i would get into the "refa is a good family man" headcanon i have but tldr: celes was his last wife because he chose her. he chose her because he genuinely loved her and he chose to have senna. his other wives and his other children operate moreso like londos wives and him did where there was no love and only obligation. so senna and celes get favored. senna cared enough about her father to throw rocks at londos head years later about it, so i think that they did have a good relationship. refa spoiled her, would do anything for her, which was strange for a noble centauri man to be so obsessed with his youngest daughter. maybe he knew she was always destined for greatness. weh. and well, when this baby is like "dad, i wanna be a ballerina" like most 3 year old girls want to be, he says "of course my love, let me find you the best teacher possible": enter aurellio. who he chooses. who senna also chooses.
so yknow. refa gets a boy toy as a treat. aurellio is almost a part of his family as a treat. they kinda sorta love each other, as a treat, and it also works with aurellio's unconventional relationships he has with his lesbian wife bestie and her twin, the actual love of his life. so like yay centauri polyamory.
i just feel like sometimes i have to justify doing what i'm doing with my oc/canon stuff bc 1. it's refa🤢 and 2. ive been in fandoms before that were hostile to me about liking villains And trying to expand on them and make them more than what the show gives us. im VERY satisfied with refa's character in the show. these headcanons arent filling a void that was missing because i dont think they needed to be expanded on in canon, i just like refa/the centauri/my centauri oc and expanding on centauri lore is fun. so 🤷♂️
if you wanna read my fic about aurellio and refa, here it is
i will also say i really do appreciate the kind words ive gotten about this because lol i was nervous about it due to previous experiences where stuff about not only my taste for the villains but also my ocs has gotten me harassed, vagued, made fun of to my face, etc. so thank you for being so kind 💫 i'm so happy aurellio is loved because i love him a lot as well.
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.. So my irl bestie has made the risky promise of- "if you write fanfic, ill write fanfic" so here i am, posting this shit, to spite her, its an au ive been working on bc i feel like the universes fit together- heres some of my ideas.
Lumera- a world renound sword maker, shes made legendary swords that have defeated dragons to fleets of armies. Famous for her craft she lives on a large estate in Lythos, a small town of peaceful people in the earth nation, a non bender,. Though with her fighting techniques youd never tell the difference.
Vander- a friend of Lady Lumera, secretive, and strict, a metal bender
Alear- raised within the walls of her mothers villa and workshop, she took up a severe intrest in martial arts, quite practiced in it she frequents to Dojo on Lythos to her be trained, by Vander of course, a long time friend of Lady Lumera, a non bender who is soon plunged into her responsibilies and the pressure of being the Avatar
Clanne- the boy is a water bender- a.. Clumsy one at that- though hes one of Alears cloest friends- he keeps all sorts of secrets hes been sworn into by Vander
Framme- Alears other friend, a girl who may rival Alear in her martial arts abilities, a water bender who can only use it for healing abilities, though she doesn't seem to bothered by that, she happens to be a loud mouth, and is very upset by what her brother and Vander aren't letting her know.
Alfred- prince of the earth kingdom, and frail in his own way, though if you mention that youll be subjected in tagging along with his job through the nearby mountain range, he never met Alear until they met in a china shop, Celine wanted new china for her tea parties,, and Alear didn't quite know how she ended up there, but lets just say they didn't leave with any china, nothing was left in one piece
Ivy- princess of the southern water tribe, reluctant as her father dives into the possibilitys with dead bodies, water bending, and war. Shes caught in quite the mess, unsure of what side she should be on, not wanting to leave her poor kid sister behind with people who manipulate the long dead.
Diamant- prince of the fire nation, he met Alear while camping with his father and brother. The "avatar" had gotten caught in Alcryst's hunting trap, which was quite a hilarious fiasco of his yelled apologies and offers of everything he owned as a "sorry" , he decides to try to teach Alear fire bending which they soon realize is easier said than done.
Timerra- a powerful air bending monk, known for.. Being the chillest around really, she finds the "avatar" amusing, and is also quite suspicious of if this girl is really capable of anything other than tripping over her own sword and completing others to no end.
Idk if this is crap or not i havent shown anything ive written publicly since 2014 💀
Heres a lil snippet of the first chapter, so yall can see what my writings like and if its worth reading or anything. Im a newbie definitely, and.. Very wordy but my irl bestie said she'll be my beta reader and editor for me! So hopefully that will improve if she gets the time to do so.
"Alear knew something was off the moment her mother informed her it was time to forge a sword of her own. Lumera was a master in the crafting of blades of all sorts, but never seemed too worried about teaching Alear the details of her work. Alear was alright with it, she had her own talents, such as her martial arts, that she was always working on, Lumera understood her child walked a different path than her own. Which. Is why it confused Alear so when her mother became adamant she needed a sword of the finest silver and the sharpest blade as soon as possible. And even more confused she became when her mother told her she would forge the sword to make it the closest to her liking. It was a nerve wracking process which made Alear appreciate her mothers work to no end..however LIberation was done in due time. The silver and gold sword felt heavy in her hands, but.. a sort of comforting weight , one she knew would help protect her shall it ever need too. Lumera gave a soft chortling laugh.
‘’My child you are not supposed to hold it in such a way- your lucky your have gloves ‘lest you cut yourself!’’ She took Alears confused and clumsy hands, showing her the proper way to handle the blade.
‘’Oh.. I still don't understand why I need a sword- much less one of silver and meteorite metals! I think this sword is better than even the blades you use!’’ She exclaimed…feeling the grief for Lumeras financial state. ‘’I don't see the issue? The daughter of a sword master should have something to show for her lineage.’’ She gave her child a bright smile, her light blue hair tied back into a regal bun, as she reached into a wooden crate by her side and pulled from it a steel sword with a blue leather hilt, the blade having been dulled of course but Alear sure as hell didn't know that. As her face convulsed into an expression of panic and confusion. Her mother lunged at her, swords clashing as Alear defended her face from a slash , in a less than graceful manner." soyeah. Uhm we'll see if i write it- lemme know how my writing is.
And heres a drawing of the main cast's designs, hope i combined ATLA with ENGAGE nicley and this isnt just a total cringe fest ill look back on as i tremble in terror of the memory in passing years.
Also engage dlc looking tasty
#atla au#fire emblem#art#fire emblem engage#fe engage#alternate universe#fanfic#my stupid ass thinks i can write#fan art#ATLA x feENGAGE#fire emblem alear#fire emblem diamant#fire emblem timerra#fire emblem ivy#fire emblem clanne#fire emblem framme#fire emblem alfred#fire emblem au#fe17 fanart#fe17#fe17 art
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Hiii I know you said that you wouldn't answer asks about that anti censorship post but if you'd be willing to answer this I'd be grateful.
Why do you think actors safety on sets would get worse if scenes that required more levels of safety for emotional and sometimes physical protection? Would getting rid of them not get rid of the need?
howdy, im fine answering this, my contempt was related to the people trying to catch me and squash me into a corner for themselves.
so ive talked about it before some but I have a degree in stage management, if you dont know what that is, im so sorry its too vast a position in theatre for me to explain and duties vary from country to country, so ill focus on the relative parts of the job.
im going to try and keep this concise but please understand this is a very vast topic that the lack of care toward in the industry as older people in it are stubborn assholes a lot of the time and my living in Utah (otherwise known as 'most dramaturgs helping create a season here will have to stick to reccing family friendly shows due to the mormon population' capital has soured my want to be in theatre at the moment.
Part of a stage managers job as it has developed in the USA (and from what i glean from the British SM books ive read it is also like this over there) is being a resource for actors. Part of that is also being a safety resource and advocate for actors if need be. Actors do not all get good educations and experiences in "safe spaces"** to learn how intimacy works and how it has developed through really just the last 8 years. Because of this and a sort of not great push back on the idea of intimacy directors/choreographers are a necessary hire on shows where it is needed in the same way a fight choreographer is needed for fights by older vet actors (lost a lot of respect for Sean Bean with his words on that ESPECIALLY with his role as Eddard Stark) a lot of actors dont get them.
It wont be Sean Bean who is hurt emotionally during a challenging sex scene because hes a big enough name to call a stop to it, it WILL be smaller actors who are probably already being taken advantage of on sets or in rehearsal rooms.
It is the moments where I have had to look a Director in the eye as they bitched to me about an actor being scared to use a prop that could genuinely harm them and when I have actors who do not speak as to not cause issues and end up harmed in the process.
One of my directors I worked with last fall said it best when she told our cast of a particularly emotionally heavy show that had scenes that required anger at each other and sexual actions;
"This is a space where I need you to be able to be brave. We [Director and Stage Management team] will do everything we can do to help you get there but that means you have to be brave enough to start talking and let that keep growing. It will be scary and we can take time when you need it but you need to be brave."
the removal of tough scenes rather than continues advocacy to improve upon how these scenes are done technically (as in during the filming or rehearsal/blocking processes) takes away the ability to create better advocacy for safety on sets and to create these needed brave spaces in all types of scenes. Spaces that actors know are safe for them to explore with each other and ask for help when they need it and understand that if help can be given, it will be given.
It makes me sad that so many vet actors push back on this so hard, some of them cite it as a limiter on creativity (bullshit) and others seem to be dealing with it as "I walked on coals, you have to too" issue but that doesn't actually help anyone it just makes more people get hurt.
Conclusion is difficult scenes CAN be done safely. Art should not be stifled to censored safety when it is a matter of if people care enough to make sets/rehearsal rooms safe enough to do daring things in. I do not think attempting to say "NO BAD THINGS IN ART" would actually stop the bad things in art because the hays code ultimately didn't stop shit. It definitely won't stop actors from being hurt in ways making self-advocacy a welcomed and necessary thing would help lessen. You wouldn't take or refuse a harness from/to an actor who has to jump and fall, so why take or refuse them someone who is there to help them in moments of other vulnerabilities? Why are we so upset over the idea of a flesh tone cover for someone vagina or dick when we use floppy knives that retract and fake blood?
Getting rid of difficult scenes is just a bandage over a bullet wound that needs to be addressed and part of addressing that is having better safety measures and advocacy for everything on sets and in rehearsal rooms.
for more information about what can be done in rooms and on sets
Intimacy Directing for Theatre 1st Edition by Dr. Ayshia Mackie-Stephenson (Editor)
Staging Sex: Best Practices, Tools, and Techniques for Theatrical Intimacy Edition 1 by Chelsea Pace
Supporting Staged Intimacy: A Practical Guide for Theatre Creatives, Managers, and Crew By Alexis Black, Tina M. Newhauser
#humans will always be writing fucked up stories because we are all severely fucked up in some way or another#anti censorship#anti capitalism#purity culture#intimacy direction#intimacy directors#theatre#set safety
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Ranting and its only the beginning of June
The last while has been … interesting.
I haven’t heard anything from the manager so I am still in the dark if I still have a job. I feel like people are second guessing my choice to quit my job. Even if they think it was the “right” choice I keep getting asked questions. Like do you have anything lined up? Do you have another job? What are you going to do? And a bunch of other similar questions.
I cant tell if these questions are infuriating or just plain exhausting. Quiet honestly, I haven’t even applied to another job. Ive looked but haven’t applied. Its not because I think I might still have one, I think Im just decompressing.
Like I was burnt out.
Or maybe I was just overwhelmed.
I feel like I’m getting more motivated. Getting more inspiration.
I may not have finished them all but in the last almost month since I informed those that needed to know that I did not want to work there any longer I have started at least 8 stories. Im not sure that I started 8 stories in the last 6 months, maybe year.
What you just read was from several days ago. At this point I don’t even know how many days ago.
Most of the days seem to pass without getting much done as far as “physical” things so it is a little difficult to keep track.
I heard from that manager.
Jackass.
Spent easily 4 to 5 times longer on the phone than needed just to be told there are better options than me. Basically due to my physical limitations (I am not legally disabled) and my personal obligations I said before day one I couldn’t work past a certain time during certain days of the week.
So I told the higher up manager what this one said. Mostly because I have work with this manager for a long time, so I was just giving a curtesy heads up. This manager really has no say as far as that managers people so I wasn’t really expecting anything, not wanting anything. Plus at this point I had applied to a handful of jobs and put this manager as a point of reference.
No way will I ever use that manager as a reference. He is just enough of a vindictive individual that I don’t trust giving that information to perspective hiring people to speak to.
Well this manager said for me to come in. Maybe I could do something under a different manager. While not as many hours. It would just be something to keep me from fully being out. At least until this manager thinks things can be patched with that manager.
I am not hopeful.
Honestly, I don’t want to patch anything up.
I worked one shift already and know that I cant stick around.
At least not doing that.
If this manager ends up talking to that manager and that manager calls me saying things can get sorted. I honestly don’t know if I would.
The clock has been reset.
I will have some income from that shift anyway.
I have a little time before the next shift to keep me in the system.
I know what I want to do but not how to do it. I feel like I would be letting this manager down. Feel like I will be breaking a bridge. Not completely severing it. Just leaving it broken. Not quite safe to travel back across.
Im sure if that manager ended up leaving and this manager was still around, although rumor is they wont for much longer, this manager would bring me back. Little to no questions asked.
My friends have told me to do what feels right. Taking a break would be ok.
I believe them. I just havnt been able to push myself over that hurdle.
I don’t know what is stopping me.
Maybe a fear of rejection from another job opportunity I have in mind. Maybe a fear of failure when it comes to my book.
I still haven’t touched it.
I seem to be stuck in a loop.
Get up, take care of my furballs. Try to get some stuff done around the house or run errands but end up just binge watching shows that I need to catch up on. Then I feel this urge to be productive. When I feel like it would be safe to tackle things. By then though its late afternoon which is usually when I feel drained.
Then I wonder why did I not try to be productive earlier. When I didn’t feel as drained. Even though I know at that time I was lacking motivation. With one pup still recovering from surgery I didn’t feel safe leaving the room. Later afternoon is when they are also drained and sleeping.
Frustratingly.
Even when I do get the urge to do something and have the mental and physical capacity to do something. I procrastinate.
Before I sat down to write this I spent the better part of 30 minutes cleaning up a small area in my room. Then I checked to see if there were any more jobs to apply to and got a snack.
Really, I shouldn’t be writing this. But I haven’t done an update in I’m not sure how long.
Other than feeling like I could go take a nap my brain is telling me that I should be doing one of a handful of other things.
One thing I know cant take me long. Maybe 20 minutes. But no longer than 30.
Part of me feels like it is too loud. Or Im just too tired.
The next day is kind of better.
As of writing this I havnt done that thing yet but I probably will here soon.
Im still kind of tired but I feel like I cant start it until I give the pups their meds.
Finally heard back from the vet.
Not a lot of conclusive results for my big pup. Not sure why the heart did what it did but its responding to the meds. Just needs to have more frequent visits to make sure it stays that way and needs to lose some weight.
Which we have been trying and for the most part were successful. 2 pounds in 9 weeks. But then my little pup needed surgery and is not allowed to do a lot of stuff. So instead of walking several miles a week we might get just one in. I have a buggy that luckily the little one won’t jump out of and just sits as we stroll around. Its so hot that we can only go first thing which is not always an option.
I am going to get to work on some things now. Now that it is June im sure the weather is in full swing for most of everyone. Stay safe and please stay hydrated!
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September 7, 2023
“You can’t go back to the past just because it is familiar.”
But what do you do when all the boundaries of present and the future blur themselves into this difficult shade of blue you can’t decode. What do you do when you would just do anything to go back to that part of your life where at least something is familiar to you. Moreover, what do you do when the present does not work, the future is bleak and you don’t remember any even a single worthwhile memory to hold on to your past for.
It all feels like damn damn labyrinth, i was out of it for sometime and I really believed that i was, but now that all this has started again, was i really ever out of it? No! Some of us are really trapped inside ourselves, in our own lives and it is the toughest thing to make the people understand what we really feel at that point of time. A few days ago my friend texted me that she needs a cigarette really bad (has been trying to avoid them), i called her up and was like dude dont go down that street, but really it was so easy for me to say that. And she did tell me how i would never understand how she felt. A few hours ago i did something terrible too, as Frost would put it I took the wrong road, I took a way i knew too well, too well to even know that it was the wrong one. But right now while im writing this even im not able to imagine let alone understand what was i feeling then.
Today just happens to be one of those bad days you know, which start bad and keep getting worse and all you can do is to wait, wait for time to pass and heal all that has been eroded. I remember writing in my diary once that how, “We have all slept for nights, after which we never wished to wake up again.” Today is really one of those nights, and I do wonder that how shall it pass, but ik it will, because Shakespeare said no, “This too shall pass.” But does it really matter what Shakespeare said when he can’t feel what im feeling, and are his words but really helping me? Are my own words really helping me for that sake? Will I get over the guilt of doing what I just did and like that? Will I ever be happy? Will my words really make sense anyday?
Will i have the answers to these spirals that run down in my head?
John Green said that, “What you need to understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.” Was Green talking about me when he wrote this, i dont know. But what Ive sort of slightly understood is that my grief has become so much entwined with who i am as a person that i somehow am not really ready for it to leave me. I remember reading this post on Instagram where this person asks his friend that are we really willing to let go off our grief? I guess im never going to do that, what i have felt during my low times is something i wish to carry through my highs, for i shall always remember how far Ive come.
I really was on the good track from some days/months ago, i started to adore myself like i have never done before, but today it feels like i did away with everything with just some (8) blows. It’s like literally i took the sharpest edge of the screwdriver and dig it in my skin. Sometimes there’s so much going on in my head that i really wish it to get out through inflicting pain upon my body, like really. It goes so hard that i get an adrenaline rush from harming myself, and want to see myself more hurt after that.
i have cursed my skin a lot, a lot in the damn twenty years i have spent on this planet but today i do really feel bad for it, for i have inflicted more pain on it, than it really deserved. But isn’t life unfair to me too like that inflicting more pain on me than i deserve, than i really can take, isnt life unfair too!?
I remember this person in college I telling people how i was all about money and good clothes, i wish she could see this side of things as well. But haven’t all of us at some point of times in our lives been like her only, ignoring what the other person feels just due to the look they put out for us too see, dont we too often feel like how other people get it easy in their lives, but really are any of us getting it any easy than each other? I feel we are too broken for a generation to be. But aren’t we also broken because we were raised by a generation which was broken too? Is this world really so broken, is it as broken as my skin is, but is my skin more broken or my heart, or my poetry.
Is it a competition for being the most broken?
(Will i win)
- N
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pinned post and docs tba, but for now here's the html of the rules on my theme until i can get other admin stuff done:
laws
I.
SELECTIVITY / FOLLOWING - this is a selective blog for my sake, but honestly, if i can see us writing, i will follow back. i am mutuals only, though, and will have anxiety about sending you things if we aren’t, even if you’re cool. i'm iffy on doubles, just because i myself am very self-conscious. it’s a personal thing, chances are i thing your writing is fucking dope.
II.
CROSSOVERS / OC MUSES - two words: fuck. yeah. star wars lends itself to crossovers hella well, we can figure this shit out in a hot second. plus, the galaxy is so vast and diverse, i want to explore more of this universe, as much as i can. as for ocs, y’all brave as fuck, and i love them. just have a rules/about page, and then we’re golden
III.
RP ETIQUETTE - you know, don’t god mod, don’t randomly kill my muse (not saying you can’t, hell, please do, just im me first), don’t reblog threads you’re not a part of, don’t relog my hc posts. and have fun.
IV.
FORMATTING / ICONS - match me, don’t, dance the macarena before posting, i don’t give a fuck. i format how i want, when i want. my icons use citrus, by apocalypseresources
V.
WRITING - kind of a slow writer, and easily distracted. poke me over ims after about two weeks, if i haven’t replied before then. not super here for rape/torture, but i have an odd like for eldritch and body horror...
VI.
GRAPHICS - all graphics on my blog are made by me/for me. give credit where credit is due. be nice. making shit is a lot harder than just throwing an image into photoshop and clicking buttons. people work hard on shit, and i will come for your knees if you don’t credit people, creators, artists, etc… i have baseball bats.
VII.
SHIPPING - fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah !! you come to me with a ship, and by the time i’ve finished processing the words, i’m already hella emotionally invested. crackships are my shit, so please don’t be scared. honestly, i’ll ship pretty much anything. probably even some sketchy shit by other’s standards. if that’s a problem, hasta la vista, and sorry i don’t cut it for you.
VIII.
NSFW - i and my muse are 18+, my nsfw tag is literally ‘a girl’s got needs,’ let’s fuckin’ do this. i’ll write it, but not with minors. other, general nsfw topics might come up, due to the nature of AUs and canon events. i do try and tag as cw // or cw ment //, so please feel free to tell me things you need tagged.
IX.
PLOTTING - do it. done. if i don’t write down whatever idea i have quick enough, it will get yeeted from my head like a brick out the window fuckin adhd, so (with express permission from you) i’ll message at bizarre hours, probably. on the flip side, this is your express permission: i, lily, mun of ofmagiick, give you, [name], mun of [blog], permission to send me ims/ask with plot proposals. it’s signed and sealed as soon as you read this. no take-backsies. you gotta, now. :3c
X.
MEMES - headcanon/ask my muse questions/etc, open to all. interaction-oriented, mutuals only. no reblog karma, but if you aren’t sending me something, reblog from the source, please
XI.
ACTIVITY - it can be spotty. i’m a full-time student, adhd mess. hit me up in ims with reminders or ping me on disco/in a server, its all cool.
XII.
MAINS / EXCLUSIVES - i'm okay with mains, you'll be my go-to version of a character, and the one i'm thinking of if mine mentions yours to someone else, but that's gonna be discussed beforehand. exclusives will have to be heavily, HEAVILY discussed, and likely will be way down the line if ever.
XIII.
CALLOUTS - bitch, no. get that shit away from me. won’t post ‘em, won’t reblog ‘em. call me out if you want, i’ll screenshot it, print it out, and put it up on my wall to laugh at, and remember people are still wasting brainpower to be mad at me. if you have an issue with me, hit me up in ims/off anon, and we can talk like adults.
???
ABOUT THE MUN - what up it’s ya nerd lily with newest brainrot, this time sci-fi. pronouns are she/her or “hey you ditz”, i am legal to drink in the us and far beyond legal adult there, and i id as a goddamned fucking mess mutuals feel free to hmu for discord if you want it
#ofmagiick#pinned post#do not reblog#✧・゚ ——— ❛ game fanatic; hot tea addict. ❪ 001. | ooc. ❫#temporary rules post
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