#ive had a hell of a week and it's only a friday

[savage-rhi]

A burrito is a coffin for food, and my body is the burial site.

[silens-oro]

Well Enough Alone: Part IX

Not all fics have adult content, but this blog is 18+. Andrew "Pope" Cody x f!Reader (nicknamed Hawk) Prologue Cut the Loss (companion piece) Part I Part II Chicken Hawk (companion piece) Part III Part IV Trespassing (companion piece) Part V Part VI Slowly We Unfurl (companion piece) Hold on to the Thread (companion piece) But I'll Always Remember (pre-WEA companion piece)

Masterlist Pope Cody Playlist GirlDad!Pope Baby AU Masterlist

General Synopsis: Everything comes to a head. Word Count: 5.9k Content Warning: typical animal kingdom warnings, heavy angst, mention of miscarriage, murder, Baz & Hawk straight up beefin'. AN: Don't ask me how I wrote this entire thing today because I do not have an answer for you. Here's a lil Friday treat since you all have been so kind. Also, "treat" is used very loosely here because this one is going to hurt 🤭 please comment & reblog :)

Pope didn’t come home at all that night and Hawk didn’t wait up for him. She set an alarm before falling asleep in the vast emptiness of her bed so she could wake up with enough time to make Lena some breakfast before school, and then promptly passed out at 4:30 that morning. Pope usually handled anything early in the morning since he was up anyway, but in his on and off absence the last couple of weeks, Hawk took the reins just like she did this morning. She fell back into the routine she had with J when he was Lena’s age, and she came to the realization that she truly missed those years.

Nicky helped carry Lena out to the car for Hawk since her ribs were still giving her trouble, and Lena only cracked her eyes open for a moment when Hawk was buckling her into the backseat. 

“I get to go with you and Uncle Pope tonight?” Her tiny voice mumbled out. 

“Of course you do, sweetpea.” Hawk replied sweetly. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this tonight. To make up for it, how about some pancakes in the morning before school? I’ll even do some with chocolate chips. Sound good?” 

“With the smiley faces?”

“Absolutely. Can’t have chocolate chip pancakes without smiley faces. That’s just not right.” Hawk joked with a grin. Lena sleepily smiled back and nodded, her eyes fluttering closed as she lost the uphill battle with the sandman. Hawk gently closed the door before meeting Pope at the driver's side with her arms crossed over her chest. 

“Thank you for coming to get her.” 

“You know me –someone calls my phone and I answer.” 

“Hawk-”

“-It’s just weird how you answered J’s call, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of you all day, Pope.” Hawk was exhausted, mentally and physically and he could see it. Hawk’s eyes burned and her body ached, and that headache she tried to hold off was barreling its way forward behind her eyes every time she blinked. “Apparently you didn’t learn the last time -I’m not doing this again, Andy. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m in pain. This family is driving me up the fucking wall and I can’t worry about when you’ll turn up again when you decide to fall off the face of the fucking Earth while also worrying about Lena.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need an apology, Pope. I just need you to be present. I have no idea what the hell Baz is doing, but Lena could’ve been killed tonight for his negligence –do you understand that? And he’s bringing Lucy here after Smurf is suddenly arrested?” Hawk shook her head, looking around the trashed driveway. “Something isn’t adding up with any of this, Pope. I don’t know what Baz did to get her locked up, but you, Deran, and Craig need to be careful. He’s never been trustworthy. I know you love him like a brother, but my gut has never been wrong. I may not always listen to it, but it is never wrong. I need you to trust me on that.” He nodded, looking past her through the windshield to Lena’s sleeping figure that was slumped over in the backseat. “Smurf is a lot of things, but she isn’t stupid. We both know that. She does stupid things, but she’s calculated. She didn’t want Lucy in this family’s business for a reason.” Pope stepped forward, hesitating before pulling Hawk to him in a hug. He kissed the crown of her head and her arms draped themselves loosely around his waist. God, he needed her. Her touch, her warmth, her love. Everything about her, he would take and take and take until she refused to give. 

Selfish

Selfish

Selfish, his brain chanted. 

“I’ll be home later, after I’m done dealing with this.” He spoke softly into her ear as he let his head fall into the crook of her neck. His lips found their home just behind her ear and he felt her breathe against him. 

“Yeah.” Hawk sighed with a subtle shake of her head as she pulled away from Pope before turning to get in the driver’s seat. Pope thought back to the gun he held in his hands right before J called him, and how ready he was to end everything at that lifeguard stand on the beach. All he could think about was Cath, about the conversation he had with that detective, about the fact that she didn’t flip on them. He thought about how he was the source of Hawk’s problems as of late, whether she knew they stemmed from him or not. He ended one woman’s life that he cared about, and was actively ruining another’s that he loved. 

And Lena…all of her problems, present and future, were because of a choice he made. 

“Hawk,” Pope called out to her, his voice cracking as he looked at her with an infinite sadness that penetrated her heart. He cleared his throat when she held the door open, waiting for him to continue. “I love you. Both of you. Let me know when you get home, alright? So I know you’re safe.” Hawk nodded, albeit reluctantly.

Pope's behavior was off, way more off than his usual scale of what he dealt with -what she was used to. This Pope…this Pope was desolate, starved, trapped. He was drowning in a way she couldn’t recognize nor comprehend, but he refused to let her in for any kind of solace. She knew he needed it, but how can you save someone who didn’t think they deserved to breathe in the first place?  

“I love you, too, Andy.” Hawk whispered. “Don’t stay out too late.”

Hawk recalled a conversation she had with Pope about kids of their own, and her chest tightened as she thought about doing all of this while pregnant. The stress alone would probably make her miscarry, and she had to bite her lip to stop from outwardly crying as she mixed the batter for the pancakes she promised Lena. The idea of bringing an infant into this dynamic -a dynamic that was only eroding by the day, made a deep rooted dread pool in the pit of her stomach because while she didn’t deserve to deal with the mess that was happening, and a baby sure as hell didn’t either. 

The sound of the front door opening and closing with a click broke Hawk out of her thoughts. She took a deep, shuddering breath as she puttered around the kitchen to keep herself busy. Pope didn’t know what to say to Hawk as he approached the noise coming from the kitchen. He didn’t know what there was to say. 

“Can you wake Lena up? I’m about to start some pancakes.” Hawk didn’t look at him as she turned the stove on, grabbing a pan from the drawer underneath the stove.  

“J has power of attorney over Smurf’s assets.” Pope muttered as he stood out of Hawk’s way. He saw her brows scrunch together as she ladled small dollops of batter onto the griddle pan. She let them cook for a few moments, letting them start to bubble on top before she added chocolate chips in a smiley face design. “Do you know anything about that?” Pope’s tone wasn’t accusatory. He didn’t think she’d keep something like that from him, but he still had to ask.

And it still irked Hawk that he did. 

“Why would I know anything about that? Why would I know anything about Smurf’s business?” She snapped at him, spatula in hand as she turned to face him. 

“Baz framed her for killing Javi.” Hawk scoffed, flipping the pancakes over.

“Didn’t she?” Hawk asked sarcastically as she put the pancakes on a plate before adding more batter to the griddle. That whole situation was another mess. Hawk told Pope to let her know when it was done, and she let it rest after that. No questions, no explanations. Done was done.

“Smurf paid Javi’s own guy to do it so she wouldn’t be tied to it. Baz knew where the body was, and tied her to the scene by planting all the evidence and called it in.” 

“What did I tell you? What did I tell you.” Hawk said with a shake of her head. “Were any of your brothers in on it?”

“No,” Pope sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "And neither was J."

“Can’t say I’m surprised he finally bit Smurf in the ass. The whole ‘snake eating itself’ thing -can't say it isn't jingling my jimmies. She was smart to move things over to J before Baz knew what was coming. I’m guessing it happened when you guys pulled your little coup against her because God forbid her darling boys not follow her word as scripture. I’m more surprised that Baz didn’t think he’d be punished for it. Lord knows she’s done worse to you guys for less. I’m sure Baz had a very stable reaction to that news when he found out.” 

“He’s pissed, and it put a target on J’s back.” Hawk hummed in response.

“How do you feel about it?”

“I think she was right to take Baz off of the accounts. She’s not just punishing Baz -she’s punishing all of us. She knows J isn’t going to let go of anything without her saying so while she’s locked up. He wanted to sell everything and split it.”

"And you don't?"

"No. If he's lucky, she stays in there until she's dead. But Baz isn't lucky."

"No he is not." Hawk added her two cents. “Baz shouldn’t have crossed mommy dearest.” She said with a shrug. “If J signed those papers, then he’s well aware of the consequences that may pop up -and I’m sure Smurf told him as much. If he thinks he can handle doing the shit you guys do, then I can’t stop him.” Hawk plated the first set of little pancakes along with some cut strawberries for Lena. “Now can you please wake Lena up before her food gets cold?” Pope was thrown by her nonchalance, especially towards J. He watched her move around the kitchen for a moment, but did as she asked, trying to not rock the boat that was slowly taking on water once again. 

A couple days had passed and Pope was still tiptoeing around Hawk. She wasn’t unwelcoming or rude, but she let him know loud and clear that she was frustrated with him. She didn’t let it show while Lena was in the room with them, but when it was just the two of them, it was abundantly clear. 

Pope wanted to touch her, to hold her, to be held by her. He knew she was still having nightmares, that she wasn’t sleeping at night like she used to. He saw it on her face day in and day out that she was struggling, but she wouldn’t talk to him about it because she felt like she couldn’t talk to him about it. He was emotionally unavailable as of recent and she felt like she was adrift out at sea without so much as a goddamn paddle. 

Hawk would busy herself at the shop when she wasn’t with Lena. That was the place she haunted when she would have normally been home because there was nothing there for her while Pope was MIA and Lena was with Baz or at school. Making arrangements and bouquets, re-potting houseplants and getting plants ready in the greenhouse to move up front to the storefront kept her mind and hands busy in a way she desperately craved as an escape from reality.

She’d have to catch herself on days she leaned a little too hard into being mean -not just to Pope either. This funk Hawk had been in was pushing her into a decline she was starting to see for herself and she didn’t like it for a single second, but there was only so much a person could bend before they broke. She gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, but sometimes it felt good to not give -not because she couldn’t, but because she didn’t want to.

Hawk knew she needed to speak with someone about all of this -a therapist preferably, but how could she frame the mess that was her life without giving the real context of what it was?   

Pope and Hawk dropped off Lena that morning at school, then headed to Smurf’s. Hawk didn’t have a good feeling about whatever they were going to walk into with this family meeting, but Pope asked her to be there. He knew she didn’t want any involvement in the politics of the family, and she hadn’t been part of a family meeting since Pope got arrested, but he had seen first hand what was going on with Baz -that he was up to something- and he needed her there with him. 

Now as she sat on the red sofa in the den next to Pope (purposefully not thinking about what she had seen happen on the cushion she occupied during that house party), his hand rested on her thigh, she would’ve rather not been involved at all. Her eyes caught J’s and she nodded to let him know that she knew. He gave a nod back, his eyes meeting Baz’s when he stepped between them.

“What’s she doing here?” Baz motioned to Nicky. 

“Weird question." Hawk spoke up before J could answer. "What’s she doing here?” Hawk gestured to Lucy with an incredulous laugh, who only looked at Hawk with a smug tilt to her lips. Hawk only grew more irritable as the days passed and she had no tolerance for whatever Baz was about to pull. 

“I asked her to be here.” Baz replied simply. 

“Interesting.” Hawk said, keeping her eyes on Lucy. 

“I invited Hawk. I’m sure J invited Nicky.” Pope shrugged as he spoke. 

“I did.” J confirmed, silently thanking Pope for speaking up.

“Fine.” Baz paced the den between Hawk and J. “Smurf gave J her power of attorney, so now J controls all the properties, the investments, the bank accounts, this house, the titles to our cars, everything. Everything that we earned that she stole from us.” Hawk’s eyes glanced at Pope, but he was watching J. “She gave it to J because she doesn’t trust us-”

“-She doesn’t trust you.” J spoke up, his words clear. Hawk felt pride when he looked Baz directly in the eye as he spoke without a single stutter. Hawk didn’t miss the look Baz shot at him as he tried to continue to manipulate the situation back in his favor. He was trying to turn the brothers against J, Hawk realized. 

“Didn’t trust us to keep it safe for her. She thinks it’s all hers, not ours. What do you plan on doing with it, J? Hm? Everything that we earned —sweated over, bled for— hmm? Planning on selling it, like we all wanna do?”

“Like you want to do.” J corrected Baz. Hawk could see the veins in Baz’s neck starting to bulge with every push back that J gave him, and that his brothers weren’t stepping in didn't help either. Everyone was curious to see how this was going to play out. For all of Deran and Craig's flaws, they weren’t completely stupid -Deran least of all. He could see the forest through the trees, and Hawk could see that he was miffed that Baz didn’t include any of them on this. And if Deran wasn’t on board, then neither was Craig because where one went, the other inevitably followed.

“Oh, is it just me? Am I the only one who wants to sell it?” Baz circled the room. “Pope? Deran? Craig?” Hawk couldn’t stop the snort that escaped her, as hard as she tried. Pope’s hand squeezed her thigh in warning, but the second Baz spun to confront Hawk, she placed a hand on Pope’s flexing forearm. 

“Something funny?” Baz directed his irritation to Hawk.

“I mean, yeah.” Hawk outwardly chuckled this time, not holding it in. “I’m laughing because you really thought you out-manipulated the master of manipulation, Baz.” Hawk crossed her arms over her chest as she sat back, her grin never faltering because she knew it would make him unravel. “Smurf will always be five steps ahead of you because she knows you think you’re smarter than you actually are. This dog and pony show-” She motioned with her hand, “-will only get you so far when you’re not looking at the whole picture. Even I know that.” Baz’s eyes turned into slits as he glared at Hawk.

“Were you in on this with them?” Hawk shook her head, her grin fracturing the facade he put up because she knew exactly what to do to get a rise out of him and it seemed that J had picked up on it too in her absence. 

“I didn’t need to be. And I also don’t need to be a goddamn genius to know that Smurf is like a roach. Unless you take her out for good, you’ll never ever get a leg up on her." She held her hands up, "But what do I know?” 

“You think you’re so goddamn smart, huh?” She shrugged, leaning into Pope’s side as she crossed her legs.  

“I’d say I’m smart enough to not put my bloody feet in a piranha tank, yeah, but some people just don’t learn their lesson when it comes to getting bit, do they Baz?” Pope squeezed her leg again, but he still didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to speak for her or defend her honor, they all knew that. She always held her own when she needed to when it came to the boys of this family -it was Smurf who made her shrink back down to size.

“Well you keep finding yourself back in this fucking house, Hawk, so I’d have to agree with you.” Baz spat. He was fuming and everyone in the room could see it. Hawk leaned forward, still smiling at him knowingly. 

“Whether I’m inside of this house or not, my life doesn't start or end because of Smurf, Baz. You, as you've just learned, can’t say the same.” Hawk felt Pope pull her back into his side and she let him.

“Why didn’t you tell us about what you were planning to do with Smurf?” Craig broke through their bickering. Hawk was right -they were upset he didn’t include them, but it went deeper than that. If Baz was holding out on something as important as this, then he’d hold out on other things too -that's what it all came down to with them. 

“I didn’t think you were strong enough to go through with it.” Baz tried to sound like he cared, that he did it for their own good, but that bit had been thrown out the window. Deran scoffed.

“Strong enough? Screw you, Baz.” He spoke up, picking at the label of the beer bottle he was holding. Hawk could see Baz’s hackles rise as he continued to get pushback from around the room when he was expecting everyone to fall in line. 

“Yeah, strong enough.” Hawk couldn’t help but feel vindicated as Baz started to bicker with Deran and Craig. Her knowing look when she caught J’s eyes gave him a boost of confidence that he’d hold onto. “Little Deran running away every time mommy hurts his feelings.” Baz taunted.

“Careful, Baz. Pissing off the only people who were in your corner might not be the way out of this.” Hawk teased, enjoying the show. Lucy watched her with understanding in her eyes as she realized that Hawk had more power with this family than she initially realized. Especially if she had Pope in her corner. 

“Enough.” Pope muttered into Hawk’s ear. Her hand met his and she gave the top of it a squeeze. 

“And you,” Baz motioned to Craig, still going on his tirade. “Smurf looks at you sideways and you snort ten grand up your nose.” 

“Where’s the rest of what I helped you steal from that storage unit?” J spoke up again, pushing Baz further into the proverbial corner. Bingo, Hawk thought with a brow raised. Her eyes darted from J to Baz, with her interest piqued.

This also got the attention of Pope, Deran, and Craig. 

Baz you stupid, stupid bastard, she thought.

“It’s safe, don’t worry about it.” Baz tried to play it off, but J wasn't going to let him get away with what he was trying to do.

“But what was in those safes, huh? There were five of them.” Pope, Craig, and Deran were not aware of the other safes and that was very clear on their faces. Oh, J was good, Hawk thought. 

“What, you think I’m holding out on you?” Baz scoffed, challenging J to continue. J could feel Hawk’s eyes on him, egging him to keep pushing. J was smart, Hawk already knew this, but he seemed to have picked up the manipulation tactics that Baz thought he had.  

“Yeah, I do.” That accusation, especially because it was said in front of everyone, was enough to push Baz over the edge. Baz knew he had lost what little support he had in the room, and if there was one thing he wouldn’t tolerate, it was being outsmarted by a kid.

“Who the hell do you think you are, you little shit,” Baz pushed J and J stood up to confront Baz face to face. 

“She didn’t trust you, but she trusted me. And was she wrong? She’s in prison because of you, Baz!” Baz scoffed, then immediately went to hit J. Hawk flew off the sofa, but was quickly wrangled by Pope wrapping his arm around her waist. Her legs were fully off the ground, kicking as he pulled her down onto his lap with a grunt, his other arm caged around hers to keep them down at her sides so she didn’t start swinging. 

If Pope let Hawk loose, he knew she’d kill Baz with her bare hands.

“Keep your hands off of him!” Hawk spat at Baz while Deran and Craig got in the middle of J and Baz. “Let go of me!” She shouted back at Pope, but his muscular arms didn’t sway from their purpose. 

“Calm down. Now.” He growled in Hawk’s ear. Once Baz was pulled away from J, she settled down in his hold. “Enough!” His voice broke the fight up as everyone caught their breaths. Hawk pushed her way off of Pope and went to check on J as he sat back where he was originally, shouldering Baz on her way over. 

“Enough!” Pope repeated as he stood up, eyeing Baz, then landing on Hawk. He walked straight past her and out of the den shaking his head. Hawk touched the top of J’s head before following after Pope. 

He stalked through the house and out the front door with Hawk trailing behind him. 

“I didn’t ask you to come so you could stir the pot.” Pope fished the keys to his truck out of his pocket, pressing the unlock button as he turned to face Hawk.

“Then why did you ask me to come?” She asked, arms wide.

“Because I knew she’d be here.” Pope’s face held frustration, redness creeping up his neck and over the points of his ears. “Whatever he’s doing, she’s behind it.” 

“Well yeah, anyone with two functioning eyeballs can see that much.” Pope just stared at Hawk, his jaw clenching in irritation before he just shook his head and climbed into the truck. Hawk took a deep breath before walking to the passenger side and hoisting herself up.

Hawk awoke the next morning to Pope standing in front of the bedroom slider, naked as the day he was born as he watched the ocean in the early morning hours. He turned to glance over his shoulder when he heard the rustling of the comforter, but turned back when he saw Hawk had no intention of getting out of bed just yet. 

“Come back to bed,” She beckoned him, scooting over and lifting the covers so he could slide in front of her. It was an invitation he didn’t think he’d get from her, not after the way he’d acted recently. Still, she was trying. Pope sighed, and his feet were moving before he realized it. He climbed into the bed, rolling over so his back was to Hawk. She wrapped her arm over his torso and his hand grabbed hers. He loved to be held, and she loved to hold him. This was comfort. Their legs tangled together and Hawk laid tender kisses on his neck and shoulder, connecting each freckle together as she went. 

“We’re both struggling right now, but we’ll work through it. We always do.” Poe’s eyes clenched shut as Hawk spoke. He bit his lip to stop any sound from coming out as she continued to kiss his bare skin. God, Hawk didn’t know how wrong she was. 

The buzzing of Pope’s phone from his bedside table woke the couple up later that morning. They had rotators over to Pope’s side at some point in the morning and Pope was now spooning Hawk. She groaned as he reached over her to pick up the phone, pushing her face into his pillow so she could get a few more minutes of sleep. She could hear the automated call of an inmate that she was all too familiar with and assumed it was Smurf calling. 

Hawk felt Pope tense behind her, his words mumbled as he spoke. He ended the call without a goodbye and got out of bed in a hurry. 

“What happened?” He went into the closet and threw clothes on. Hawk hopped out of bed, throwing on a t-shirt and a pair of discarded shorts -forgoing a bra or underwear so she didn’t lose track of him as he moved from room to room. “Andy!” All Pope could do was try to get himself out of this house and away from Hawk. 

Baz knows, Pope. His entire world was about to crash around him after he heard those three words from Smurf, and he wanted to be as far away from Hawk and this house as he could be so he didn’t leave the mental scars behind that he knew would result in what was about to happen.

“What the hell is going on with you lately?” Pope ignored Hawk’s question, sidestepping her to go back into their bedroom. She followed closely behind him as he went into the closet again, rifling through a duffle bag that he kept on the top shelf in the back of the closet, before he pulled out a pistol. “What the fuck is that and why is it in my house, Andrew?!” Hawk pulled Pope’s shoulder, twisting him around to look at her. His eyes were freaked out, scared, but he kept his mouth clamped shut.  

“Don’t do that.” Hawk shook her head. “You promised me you’d talk to me when something happened! What did Smurf say to you?” Pope swallowed, opening and closing his mouth a few times before he got any words out.

“This isn’t something I can talk to you about.” Pope ground out, pushing past Hawk to exit the bedroom. “I need you to trust me on this.”

“All I do is trust you, Andy!” She followed once more, jogging to catch up with him. “If something’s wrong, I need to know!” 

“You don’t get it! You will never speak to me again, Hawk. You’ll never look at me again. You’ll never touch me again.” He pushed his feet into his boots, tying the laces quickly, before he grabbed the keys to his truck. He tried to shut the front door between them, but Hawk’s reach was quicker. She ran out of the house barefoot to stop him from leaving. 

“Andrew!” He shook his head when Hawk threw herself between him and the door to the truck. “Stop!” She screamed as she put her hands up to his chest, pushing him away from the pickup. His sunglasses were forgotten inside and Hawk saw the absolute anguish and agony that stormed within his eyes as he looked down at her, mouth trembling as he barely held himself together. Her hands cupped his face sternly, not letting him escape without having to physically pry her off. 

“I’ve done something.” His chest was heaving and Hawk could see his foundation crumbling before her. “I’ve done something so unforgivable that I don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you. And now I’m facing the consequences of it -as I should.”

“You’re scaring me.”   

“You were always better off without me. Always. I wanted you so bad, Hawk, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, but I didn’t want to ruin you. You have to understand that.” His voice was thick with unshed tears and raw emotion that he had been holding back for god knows how long. 

“That’s not true. You’re not ruining me-” Hawk reassured him, her voice shaking as she pulled his forehead down to hers. She felt him tremble, losing control of himself in her grasp. 

“It is true!” He shouted through clenched teeth. Hawk flinched, but didn’t retreat from him. “Everything I touch turns to poison, Hawk. Everything. You’re not an exception because I was born bad and will always be bad.” 

“Stop!” Her eyes looked into his as he tried to pull himself away, but her grasp on him was unrelenting. Her nails left little crescent shapes in his cheek and he only pushed himself further into them because he needed the physical pain to keep him present. “Look at me! You need to tell me what the fuck is happening, Andy. What did you do?” He shook his head, eyes clenched shut. 

“I have no right to ask you for anything, Hawk, but if something happens to me-”

“-Andy-”

“-if something happens to me,” He spoke louder, “-will you look after Lena?” His breathing was labored and Hawk feared he was going to pass out if he kept this up.

“Pope-”

“Please!” He shouted again, eyes shifting manically. “Please, I need to hear you say it, Hawk. Will you look after her if something happens to me? We’re all she has…” 

“Of-of course I will. You know I will. What is going to happen to you?!” The sound of a vehicle pulling into the driveway broke Pope and Hawk apart. Pope physically shoved her towards the front door, her feet stumbling over each other from the force of it. Hawk looked at Pope like he struck her. Pope never put his hands on her like that and Hawk was almost about to fight back when he turned to her. 

“Go inside now!” Pope demanded. “No matter what you hear out here, you don’t open the door, do you understand me?” He was scared, for her or himself she couldn’t tell, but his eyes begged her to not argue and to just listen. “I love you.” His voice cracked. “I’ve always loved you, Hawk. Always.”

“Andy-”

“Get inside. Now.” His voice boomed just as Baz hastily parked his Jeep and jumped out, leaving the door wide open with his sights on Pope, gun pulled out and pointed at him. “Now, Hawk!” Hawk felt like she was going to throw up. Her fight or flight instincts kicked in, but she didn’t know what they were telling her to do. Pope turned his back to Hawk, facing Baz head on. 

“Go inside, Hawk!” Baz yelled at her, his dark eyes were clouded with anger and destruction. His gun was at the ready with the intent to kill and Hawk stupidly took slow steps back down the walkway towards Baz and Pope. 

“Baz, put it down.” Her voice shook as she held a hand out. 

“Did you know?” Baz yelled at her, his eyes narrowed, but never taken off of Pope. 

“She doesn’t know.” Pope whispered, shaking his head. “Go inside, Hawk, please.” He begged, looking over his shoulder desperately. Hawk saw the shine of tears that lined his cheek, the red of his bloodshot eye that was visible to her, the way his jaw trembled. “We’ll do this, but not in front of her, Baz. Please.”

“Put the gun down, Baz!” Hawk begged, trying to diffuse the situation. 

“He killed Cathy, Hawk.” It felt like the air was knocked out of Hawk. Her jaw fell as she looked between Baz and Pope. Her brain and her heart denied what Baz was saying, but with every second that passed that Pope didn’t deny the accusation, her eyes settled on Pope’s back in horror. 

“She didn’t suffer.” Hawk collapsed onto the raised stone barrier that lined her walkway when Pope spoke. She knew Cath was dead, in her heart of hearts she knew she was, but Hawk didn’t think it was because of Pope. She wouldn’t put it past Smurf, but Pope? Her Pope? “We thought she was…talking to the cops.” He explained weakly.

No, no, no, no, Hawk’s ears rang. No, no, no, no-

This man who she knew her whole life, who she let into her home, into her heart and her life -who she would’ve defended to the death in a heartbeat- had betrayed her. 

He betrayed Catherine. 

He betrayed Baz. 

He betrayed Lena. 

The pieces of this fucked up puzzle were starting to fall into place as memory after memory punched its way to the forefront of Hawk’s mind. From Pope’s disappearances early on, to pushing her away, to his sudden attachment to Lena. His detachment the last couple of weeks came to mind, and Hawk’s heart shattered as she put the timeline together. 

“Pope-” A devastating sound broke free from Hawk, her brain shorting out as it tried to process what was happening. Pope’s chin was tucked into his chest, his eyes clenched shut. 

“Cathy didn’t deserve any of this. I cared about her. You knew that and you still took her from me.” Hawk’s heart clenched as she listened even though her mind was telling her, screaming at her to go inside. She had no idea that Pope and Cath were involved in any capacity, but there were long spans of time where she wasn’t present in any of their lives. This happened to be one of them. “You took Cath to punish Smurf because Smurf didn’t want you to have Lucy, but you punished me too! You would’ve taken Hawk if she gave you the time of day because that’s what you do. You never thought about me!” Pope shouted, voice raw. “Not one of you ever thought about me!” Pope turned, pointing to Hawk, “Except for her.” Hawk’s head shook in disbelief, tears cascading down her cheeks. 

“Smurf said she was talking to the cops,” Pope sobbed, turning back to Baz. Any fight he had left in him vacated his body in that moment. His confession had taken the weight of the universe off of his shoulders and for the first time in a very long time, he was ready to pay for what he did. “-but she wasn’t. Smurf said she was, but Cath didn’t say anything to them!” 

Hawk’s encounter with the cops who came by her shop rammed into the front of her mind like a head on collision. Had Smurf caught wind of that, would she be in the same boat as Cath? Hawk brought a trembling hand over her mouth.

For the first time since Hawk met Pope, she felt fear when she looked at him -at what he was capable of. If Smurf told him back then to get rid of her because she was a danger to them, would he? Hawk didn’t think he’d do it now  -not after everything they’ve been through, but back then…her stomach clenched and bile climbed up her throat. 

“So do it.” Pope begged Baz. “I want you to do it. Please.” He had given up entirely, the immense amount of guilt he harbored had eaten away at the structure that held him together as a person and he was just done. “Please. I’ve lost everything already.” He whispered.  Hawk couldn’t take it anymore. She lifted herself up and stumbled her way to the front door in a daze, chest heaving as she tried to breathe through the agony that wrenched itself around her chest and squeezed. She didn’t make a sound as she shut the door behind her, twisting the deadbolt behind her and sliding down the door on the inside, sobbing for Cath with everything she had.

I'm starting a Baz is a Bastard club if anyone wants to join.

[lacythoughts]

'-anyway, enough about me,' over the phone peter says, even though usually when it comes to peter it never seems to be about anything but him, 'how have you been?'

how has derek been?

the question has derek thinking of late friday night drives to a little cuban food truck that's open 24-7 three counties south. windows rolled down, music blasting, feet up on the passenger dash board that he constantly has to reach over to knock off even though he secretly doesn't mind all that much.

he thinks of the early morning coffee shop stops he makes to order sugar loaded monstrosities he used to stick his nose up at but are now worth ordering because he gets to see that warm sleepy smile.

derek thinks of how he gets to hear how he himself is the one reason why that warm sleepy smile wakes up so early in the morning and even though that smile says it as if it's a complaint - how if it wasn't for derek it would sleep in until the very last minute but derek just has to be a morning person making it his coworkers problem - the smiles admitted before it's glad for the early morning company so

he thinks of that sleepy smile kissing his cheek with thick plump lips and 6 am sunshine gratitude after all of its bitching and moaning.

derek thinks about how he hasn't felt this young in a very long time.

'ive been good.'

peter makes a noise - a scoff more like - as if something unbelievable has happened. 'oh now, is this my nephew derek hale? derek who i have to call constantly because he wouldn't give me the time of day derek? derek who would rather die than say anything positive ever at all? is this that derek hale?'

if this was a month ago - hell probably a week ago - derek wouldn't have felt anything about these comments, let alone care, but now he does feel a bit bad.

and when derek realizes this he curses thick plump lips and 6 am sunshine gratitude.

it's all stiles' fault hes feeling sentimental towards peter of all people.

'my dad's the only family i have left, hell yeah i talk to him every day. i know you complain about how annoying he is - but unless he's a raging pile of shit - you should talk to your uncle. you'll regret it one day if you don't.' stiles said.

and stiles is right, derek of all people should know this.

so here derek is. answering a call he used to decline every other day for the sake of his sanity and patience.

but peter lost his family too. derek's the only one, besides cora, he has left.

and his uncle really isn't all that bad if you look past the over inflated ego and constant teasing.

god derek can be such a dick.

'yeah alright, i get it. ill try calling more.'

'…this doesn't sound like you, what's going on?'

what's going on is derek's parked outside his house sitting in his car and winding down from the amazing day he and stiles had with each other.

stiles wanted to take pictures of the beach for a project his third graders are working on. they drove over 2 hours to get to the nearest one. they loaded up on everything they would need before the trip but stiles still found excuses to stop at gas stations on the way there.

'for memories sake derek! and also for gummy worms, i forgot the gummy worms.' 'i don't know, i just wanna take a picture of that gas pump. you don't see old gas pumps like that anymore.' 'we should get a california key chain, like the ones tourists buy. i want one that says derek, we won't find one that says stiles but we'll get you whichever S name we can find.' (the S name was stan. stiles gagged at it but still made derek buy it and put it on his key chain.)

the beach they went to wasn't popular, it was too rocky, had too many cliffs but it was still very beautiful. stiles took so many pictures.

and when they look back on them later they'll remember why the one of a bright red crab looks crooked and off balanced is because while taking it stiles slipped on a piece of seaweed that had derek running over to make sure he didn't crack his head open because the fall was hard.

they'll remember the one of the older couple holding hands and laughing made stiles tear up because like he said 'older couples being that happy and in love are always very sweet.'

they'll remember the picture of the frightening wave that was at least 15 feet tall happened after derek told stiles he loved him for the very first time.

the confession just slipped out, random but heart crushingly honest. must have been the salt water breeze and sharp seagull cries.

so what's going on is moving back to beacon hills and deciding to be a security guard for beacon elementary was the best decision he's ever made in his life and now that derek finally feels like he can breathe again, derek also realizes he's been a shit nephew.

stiles and his father have such a good relationship, derek wants something like that too.

and that starts with answering his pain in the ass uncles phone calls.

'i met a guy.' derek says.

'oooh well if this guy is getting you to call and actually speak with me then thank heavens for this guy. tell me more!'

so derek does.

[wososcripts]

Face to Face (IV)

Fridolina Rolfö x reader

Summary: An attempt to make amends.

A/N: we're nearing the end!! not sure how I feel about this part... hopefully it's okay

Word Count: 3k

Warnings ⚠️: none?

PREVIOUS PART

The next few days followed in a similar manner. Alexia brought you to the pitch even though you couldn't play, and you sat there for a few hours until they were done. Occasionally Jona would come over to see you, or Olga would stop by with food. Ana Maria even drove over from Madrid to see you and take you out for the day. But mostly you slept, listened to podcasts, and thought about what the hell you were going to do about Frido.

She still hadn't spoken to you and the team was starting to notice. It's not like the two of you were very close before (at least publicly) but now it was a conscious avoidance. The rest of the girls often kept you company when they could on breaks or in between drills.

It was only after five days, on Friday afternoon, that she approached you.

“Hi…” Frido said softly.

You looked up at her from where you sat on the pitch. You had been doing light stretches on your calves, still not allowed to do anything strenuous until next week.

“Hi, Frido.” You said plainly.

You tried not to react emotionally despite the fact that this was the first time she was speaking to you since the incident. She hadn’t even called to say she was sorry. It all seemed to confirm she really didn’t give a damn about you—didn’t have the courtesy to treat you like a stranger even.

“How are you feeling?”

Her careful, soft tone enraged you.

“Not so good, actually. My head fucking hurts, I’m sick of sitting here while the rest of you play. And I’d really rather be doing anything than talking to you.”

You felt bad the second you said it. Not because she didn’t deserve it, but because this wasn’t you. You were better than that.

“Sorry, I just really would like to be left alone, Frido. Please, just leave me be. Leave me alone.”

Frido’s eyes shot towards the ground as she blinked furiously.

“Okay.”

She turned away and walked back to the field, joining Alexia and Ingrid as they talked about something. Part of you felt bad for rejecting her so quickly, but another part of you felt enraged that she had the nerve to wait this long.

Ingrid looked over at you and then back at Frido curiously.

"What did you want to say to her?" She asked in Norwegian, knowing Frido would understand.

"I don't know… just wanted to check in on how she's doing so far."

Before Ingrid could reply again, Alexia butted in.

"You need to tell her you're sorry as soon as possible."

"I just tried—clearly she isn't too keen on having me around, is she?" Frido snapped back.

The three of them stood in shock for a second, surprised at Frido’s temper. Usually she was level headed and understanding.

Alexia sighed and clapped her on the shoulder.

"Keep trying."

With that she was off to change and shower, giving Ingrid a small smile as she left.

"Frido," Ingrid rubbed her arm to catch her attention. "Why don't we go get a drink tonight and catch up? It's been a long time since we went out, just us."

Frido contemplated it momentarily, not stupid enough to miss that Ingrid clearly wanted to talk about her mood. If she accepted, she was also accepting the fact that she had to open up to her best friend sooner or later.

"All right."

-

"I don't know what to do," Frido complained, tossing back the last dregs of her beer.

Ingrid sat across from her, her own beer nearly untouched. They were sat out on the balcony of some restaurant nursing the end of the night. They hadn't met, just the two of them, in a while, Frido realized. She wished it was under better circumstances.

"Can I be honest?" Ingrid asked.

Frido nodded. She expected no less from the Norwegian—though she was incredibly kind, it wasn't common for them to sugar coat things.

"You've got to go up to her and apologize. Sincerely. One on one. And you can't be sure she's going to forgive you."

Frido knew Ingrid was talking about apologizing for more than the tackle. She wasn't privy to exactly what happened between the two of you—even in your anger you hadn't told your teammates what was going on—but it was clear something unhealthy had been a staple between the two of you.

"Mapí showed me the video. I didn't want to see it at first, you know how I am with that stuff, so worried always that it'll be one of us. But I finally saw it." Ingrid met her eyes. "The way she went down, the way you hit her, she could've been hurt much worse than she is. And you just got up and left, didn't even check on her."

There was a hint of disdain in Ingrid’s voice that inspired nausea in Frido.

"Had that been any player in a match against Barcelona, imagine how any one of us would've reacted."

Frido knew, if she had seen someone do to you what she had done herself, it would've boiled her blood. To see you lying there unmoving, would've had any player on that field aching, because you were wonderful. You didn't cause fights, you forgave people, you smiled at the opposition after each game, you spent as much time as possible with the fans. And Frido had somehow broken that, gotten you to yell and scream and cry.

"We were together." She whispered, not meeting Ingrid’s eyes. "Well, not really. We were sleeping together, I was at her place most days a week."

The waitress came by, and Frido ordered a glass of wine. She needed a bit more courage to fully get this out in the open.

"I didn't want commitment. I'm not… I didn't know how to be open about that with anyone. I was ashamed of it—she knew. She could sense it." Frido gripped the stem of her wine glass and took a sip. "She hated breaks because she knew I wouldn't talk to her until I was back in Barcelona. Right before I went back to Sweden for camp… we had a huge fight. She said she couldn't take it anymore, that I made her feel like a whore, that I tossed her aside whenever I didn't want her. And I said I didn't care."

Ingrid was silent.

"I didn't expect her to kick me out. Or to refuse to speak to me. I thought we'd fall back together, we always did. But it was different this time. And I hated it. I hated it so much it made my head spin."

Ingrid put a hand over Frido’s where it rested on the table.

"Frido, I love you. You're my best friend, okay?"

Frido nodded, wiping at a tear that was beginning to fall.

"You've got to make this right. Good people do shitty things. Really shitty things sometimes. But sometimes they're also forgiven, in time. And if you want anything with her, even friendship, you've got to apologize and explain yourself."

Frido nodded, meeting Ingrid’s eyes finally.

-

That night Frido found it difficult to get to sleep.

There wasn't any good reason for it: she had worked hard in practice all day and her body was exhausted. Her bed was comfortable, her apartment quiet. But it was empty. She had realized that she hadn't spent a week straight sleeping in her apartment for months. At least once a week she was with you, always.

But now you weren't speaking to her. You looked at her during practice, then avoided her at all costs. She hadn't even tried texting you, worried she would find her number blocked.

She contemplated calling someone to keep her company, though who would be up at one in the morning?

Eventually she fell asleep after tossing and turning for what felt like hours. She slipped away into unconsciousness, allowing her body to relax into the mattress.

Her mind, however, had different plans.

In her dreams she was in the hospital, unable to get to you. She stood at the door to your room, peering in through a small glass window. The rest of the girls were inside, holding your hand and stroking your skin as you laid in the hospital bed. Your eyes were open but you hardly moved. All she knew with certainty was that you did not want to see her. You wanted her gone. You've ruined my life, she heard you say, though your lips didn't move.

Another time you had simply disappeared. Her fault. You had moved far away, far from Barcelona, and far from her. You were happier somewhere else, with different people.

Once more you hated her. Refused to speak.

When she woke it was to a dark room and a sick feeling in her stomach. She was lonely. She wanted you next to her in bed. She wanted to see you smile and hear you laugh. She wanted to see you play great football and jump into her arms after a goal. And it terrified her to think she wouldn't get any of that again.

How was it that she could've treated you so horribly? It confused her, as if it had been someone else. How had she let her fear control her like that? And most importantly, how had she put your feelings aside so callously?

If she was going to fix anything she would need to apologize. Apologize for it all. Ingrid was right. She hadn't been there for your recovery and now it was all she wanted. The guilt of it all threatened to choke her. She thought of how scared you must've been lying on the field in pain.

Though it was only 4:30 in the morning Frido got out of bed and went to the bathroom to start a scalding hot shower. She needed a plan for how to fix things between you two.

-

It began that morning. Alexia brought you to practice. You were still living with her for the time being, until you were one hundred percent cleared. You didn't mind it, in fact it was nice to get so much time with Alexia when she was normally busy.

You walked into the locker room, so pleased to be getting into your kit for the first time in a week and a half. Even if it was just for physio work, at least you were in the uniform once more.

Unexpectedly, sitting in your locker was a small stuffed cow with a card and one of your favorite protein bars propped against it. You picked up the plushie, pressing it to your face and enjoying the softness. You were a bit of a child when it came to stuffed animals: you loved them.

The card was written in very familiar handwriting, and your heart jumped into your throat.

This made me think of you. I'd really like to apologize after practice today. Perhaps we can grab a coffee?

- Fridolina

The message was a bit stilted, but you could practically hear Frido’s hesitation on the page. She was nervous.

Just then the blonde came into the locker room to grab something from her bag. She glanced at you quickly, not sure as to your reaction.

"Frido," you called softly. You hadn't decided until that moment to try and forgive her, "I'll see you after practice."

Frido seemed shocked, but quickly her mouth transformed into a wide smile.

Practice seemed to fly by now that you were allowed to do something. The physio workers had you weight training and doing yoga to try and work your muscles that were tight from the pain you had been in. You felt like you were making progress, finally, after more than a week of sitting around.

-

The car ride with Frido was quiet. You sat in the front seat, fiddling with your fingers and checking your phone as she drove. She had music playing softly, some indie band you didn't know. It was bordering on awkward, though not quite there. You simply didn't know what to say.

Once Frido was pulling off the street to parallel park you spoke.

"I don't think I've been here before."

"I just found it a little while ago when I was wandering around desperately in need of some coffee."

The shop was cute. The outside was painted in chipping yellow paint and the shutters were open. There were a few tables outside, an eclectic set of guests seated at them. There was an old man reading the paper, a student on her laptop, and a mother with her baby. The smell of baked goods wafted from the entrance.

"The muffins are fantastic, if you want one." Frido offered cautiously.

You nodded and gestured for her to enter first.

You decided on a chai and a cinnamon muffin which did look incredible, you had to admit. When you were about to pull out your card to pay you felt a hand on your arm.

"I'll pay, please."

You allowed it, understanding that this was all part of Frido trying to ask for forgiveness. You were willing to see this to the end. It shamed you to admit but you had missed her deeply. It felt good to be near her, to smell her perfume and anticipate her ticks that you knew so well. What made you stay was the possibility that she had missed you too.

Frido carried your drinks and food to the table you picked. It was still warm enough to sit outside even with the sun setting. You tapped your foot and ate your muffin slowly, waiting on her to say something. You didn't want to speak first, but it seemed as though you might have to.

"So…" you started, trailing off to try and prompt Frido.

"I wanted to apologize. Really apologize."

You sat quietly.

"Just for the concussion you gave me?"

Frido hesitated.

"I'm still figuring things out—it's all jumbled up in my head. I was talking to Ingrid the other day and she made me realize I had to set things straight."

"What exactly does that mean?"

"I'm not explaining this well—I wanted to apologize for hurting you. And I want us to be on better terms. I wish we could start over."

"That's it?"

Your chest squeezed painfully. You thought this was the chance you had to deal with the horrible ending to your relationship, but Frido seemed to have no interest in unpacking it. You couldn't help the way your anger flared in response to the hurt you felt.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm not exactly okay, Frido." You started to stand up. "I think it's better if I left. There's no hard feelings over the concussion, I knew it was an accident. Let's just forget about all of it."

Frido stood up quickly, reaching out to grab your elbow.

"Can I drive you back?"

You shook your head.

"I'd really rather walk. It isn't far to Alexia's."

Frido looked for a second like she would push further, but then she deflated and nodded.

"See you at practice, Frido. Thank you for the coffee."

-

You couldn't help the tears that fell down your face as you walked down the streets of Barcelona. Deciding to forget the whole thing was worse than being angry about it—at least then you got some acknowledgment. Now you felt as though Frido was telling you she just wanted to smooth things over and make nice. She wanted it to be as if this thing between you never existed—all the pain and attraction gone in one fell swoop. You wanted to scream.

How were you meant to play with someone who you had so much conflict with? Surely Alexia or Jona would begin to notice sooner or later. You knew it would affect the team chemistry. The thought just made you more upset.

The tears in your eyes began to fall faster. Not only was your relationship (whatever messy bleeding thing it had been) ruined, but there was a potential for it to impact your job, your team too. What would you do then? If it came down to you or Frido you couldn't imagine Barça picking you.

Alexia noticed you were crying the second she saw you, even though you tried to hide it.

"What's wrong?" She fretted, pulling you close to her. "What happened? I thought you were with Frido this afternoon? Why did she not drop you off?"

You just shook your head, burying it in your captain's sweater. She wrapped her arms around you, quietly shushing you.

"Come, let's sit down."

You felt like a child being led to the couch and leaning in Alexia's embrace. Deep breaths eventually calmed you down so you could speak.

"I'm sorry Ale, I shouldn't be coming here like this."

Alexia shook her head.

"Nonsense. Tell me what happened. Was it Fridolina?"

"It's my own fault, I let it get like this."

"Let what get like this? The accident?"

You shook your head.

"Not the accident. Frido and I have a…we have our difficulties."

Alexia looked at you, surprised.

"Really?"

"I don't think I can tell you…you're her captain I don't want to let it affect the team."

Alexia took your hand.

"I can separate work and personal life. I'm your friend too, and it seems like you need one."

"We were seeing each other, kind of. In secret." You sighed. "We weren't exclusive, she just wanted some fun I think. I didn't."

You felt defeated. There wasn't much more to do. You just had to accept your fate.

Alexia looked at you for a moment in disbelief. She had had no idea.

"You and Frido?"

"It was a mistake."

[seoulzie]

범규; whispers of the unsleeping

───── orphic ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 (adj.) mysterious & entrancing; beyond ordinary understanding

synopsis: in the small city of yeosu, insomniac choi beomgyu seeks refuge in his school's abandoned astronomical observatory to catch some sleep. there, he encounters y/n l/n, a sociable and carefree girl who shares his struggle with insomnia. together, they form an unlikely friendship and revive their school's defunct astronomy club, spending their nights exploring the stars.

彡 pairing: beomgyu x f!reader 彡 genre: fluff, angst, strangers to lovers au, university au 彡 warnings: mentions of mental health & insomnia, parental abandonment (?) chronic illness, strong language, grief & loss

RELEASE DATE; 07/26/24 — this week, friday

index: prologue i. sleepless encounters capella ii. a place of our own vega iii. rekindling the stars proxima iv. phases of the moon, phases of us rigel v. cosmic challenge polaris vi. beyond the horizon altair vii. heart to heart betelgeuse viii. tomorrow's sunrise arcturus the end: epilogue

TAGLIST: OPEN! leave an ask in my inbox, reply to this post, or send me a dm!

CHOI BEOMGYU ( 21 ) ( M )

a student who struggles with trouble falling asleep most nights. consequently, he is irritable at school, always searching for an opportunity to find a secluded place to doze off. despite his gruff exterior, he is well-known around campus for his charming looks.

Y/N L/N ( 20 ) ( F )

a cheerful and enthusiastic student, the astronomy club president, whose secret battle with insomnia leads her to the solace of the astronomical conservatory at night. determined to keep her condition hidden, she finds refuge among the stars until she encounters another night owl, beomgyu.

PROLOGUE: CHAPTER 0 word count: 3.1k

another sleepless night. beomgyu stared up at the ceiling of his room, counting the cracks for the hundredth time. it was a game he played with himself when he couldn’t sleep, a futile attempt to trick his brain into shutting down. spoiler alert: it never worked.  he groaned, the sound echoing hollowly in the silent room, and threw an arm over his eyes, trying to block out the faint glow of dawn creeping through the dusty blinds. the alarm clock on his nightstand blinked 6:00 am in angry red numbers, a mocking reminder of the day looming ahead.

with a sigh that condensed the exhaustion clinging to him like a shroud, beomgyu rolled out of bed. every muscle screamed in protest, a dull ache thrumming through his limbs. he shuffled to the bathroom, his movements heavy with sleep deprivation. his reflection in the mirror looked as shitty as he felt—dark circles under his eyes, hair sticking up in every direction, and a permanent scowl etched on his face. he splashed some cold water on his face, hoping it would wake him up enough to function through another hellish day at school.

he reached for his usual blue and white striped tube of toothpaste, but his fingers met only the cold, hard plastic of the sink. panic clawed at his throat. empty. of course, it was empty. why wouldn't it be? just his luck.

frantic, he rummaged through the cabinet under the sink, desperately searching for a spare tube. nothing. nada. just a half-empty bottle of mouthwash that reeked of peppermint and disappointment. he slammed the cabinet shut, the sound echoing through the small bathroom like a gunshot. “fucking hell.”

defeated, beomgyu straightened up, bracing himself for another blow. he hobbled over to his laundry basket, a tangled mess of unmentionables. he started digging, desperately searching for a matching pair of socks. hope flickered when his fingers brushed against soft cotton, then died a slow, agonizing death as he pulled out a lone, navy blue sock. where was its partner? had it been swallowed by a rogue dryer gremlin? eaten by a sock-hungry monster lurking in the washing machine?

beomgyu stared at the single sock in his hand, a monument to his perpetually bad luck. he was starting to think the universe had a personal vendetta against him. this wasn't just another day; it was a full-blown disaster waiting to happen, and he was just the hapless protagonist caught in the middle.

after throwing on his uniform and grabbing his backpack, he headed downstairs. his dad had already left for work, as usual. the house was eerily silent, a stark contrast to the chaotic mornings of his childhood before—stop it, he thought to himself. beomgyu shook off the unwelcome memories and grabbed a piece of toast on his way out.

he dragged himself to the front door, his feet protesting with each step. a splash of color outside his window caught his eye. mrs. han, his elderly neighbor, was kneeling by her rose bushes, her weathered hands wielding a watering can with surprising vigor. despite his fatigue, a small smile tugged at the corner of beomgyu's lips. mrs. han was a fixture in the neighborhood, a tiny woman with a heart as big as her prized hydrangeas.

"good morning, mrs. han," he managed, his voice rough from disuse.

she looked up, her eyes crinkling at the corners with a smile. "good morning, beomgyu. off to school already? you look a bit pale," she said with a motherly concern that always made him feel a flicker of warmth.

"just a little tired, mrs. han," he replied, offering a weak smile. "those history essays won't write themselves, you know."

mrs. han chuckled. "always busy, that's you. but remember, dear, rest is important too. don't you burn yourself out."

"i'll try my best," he promised, though the words tasted like ashes in his mouth. he knew the truth – sleep was a luxury he couldn't afford.

beomgyu continued his walk, the rising sun painting the sky with streaks of orange and pink. the usual sights and sounds of the morning held a peculiar distance, muffled by the fog in his brain. the bakery across the street, usually a source of enticing aromas, only offered a dull ache in his stomach – a reminder of the breakfast he hadn't bothered with.

as he neared the school gates, the sounds of chatter started to seep in, a rising crescendo of greetings and nervous laughter. he braced himself for the usual barrage of hellos and high-fives, his trademark charm already feeling strained. beomgyu wasn't just tired, he was running on fumes, his charisma a flickering candle in a hurricane of exhaustion.

just as he predicted, a cheerful voice chimed in from beside him. "beomgyu! looking handsome as ever this morning, even at this ungodly hour."

he turned to see yeri, a girl from his class with a smile as bright as her sunflower hair clip. she was notorious for her bubbly personality and her unashamed crush on him. usually, beomgyu would respond with a playful jab or a witty remark, adding to the innocent flirtation. but today, a single word was all he could muster.

"hey," he croaked out, a smile barely flickering across his lips.

yeri's smile faltered slightly. "everything okay? you seem...out of it."

he shrugged, the movement feeling like wading through mud. "just a late night studying." it wasn't a complete lie, but the truth felt too heavy to share.

"well," yeri continued, her voice losing a bit of its usual chirp, "don't let it get you down. math class first thing, right? let's just hope ms. choi isn't in one of her moods."

there was a time when such a comment would have sparked a playful banter, a shared groan about their least favorite teacher. today, beomgyu merely nodded, a hollow feeling settling in his chest.

despite his exhaustion, beomgyu couldn't help but notice the way heads turned in his direction, the whispered greetings, the stolen glances. he was undeniably popular, the school's resident charmer. but the weight of that popularity felt like a suffocating cloak.

a group of guys from the basketball team hollered a greeting, their voices echoing off the lockers. beomgyu offered a weak wave, the movement seeming to drain the last vestiges of his energy. a couple of girls from the dance club giggled as they passed, their eyes lingering on him for a beat too long. all he could do was muster a tired smile, the effort feeling monumental.

he reached his locker, the familiar combination numbers a blur in his sleep-deprived haze. as he shoved his books inside, a hand landed on his shoulder. it was kai, his best friend, his partner in crime (or at least, they were when beomgyu had the energy for crime fighting). kai, unlike beomgyu, was a beacon of energy, his perpetually ruffled brown hair and mischievous grin a constant source of amusement.

"dude, you look like a deflated balloon," kai commented, his voice laced with concern. "another night?"

beomgyu slammed his locker shut with a sigh that spoke volumes. "yeah," he mumbled, leaning against the cold metal for support.

kai's brow furrowed. "seriously, beomgyu. you've been like this for weeks. we talked about this already! you said you’d try anything besides looking like you haven't slept since kindergarten."

beomgyu ran a hand through his hair, a grimace creasing his face for a moment before smoothing out into a tired indifference. "yeah, yeah," he mumbled, more to himself than to kai. "it's whatever at this point."

kai's concern flickered, then died down as he picked up on the subtle shift in beomgyu's demeanor. he knew that tone – the one that said beomgyu was resigned, shutting himself off. pushing wouldn't help.

"alright," kai said, switching gears with the practiced ease, “come on, zombie boy. let's get to class before ms. choi starts discussing the square root of boredom."

the morning dragged on, each class blending into the next in a haze of exhaustion and boredom. beomgyu could barely keep his eyes open, let alone focus on the lectures. 

his first class was math, and he trudged to his seat, slumping down with a heavy sigh. he rummaged through his bag, only to realize he had forgotten his pen.

“hey, taehyun,” he whispered to the boy sitting next to him. “got a pen i can borrow?”

taehyun glanced at him and chuckled softly. “forgot yours again? here.” he handed beomgyu a pen, shaking his head in amusement.

“thanks, man,” beomgyu muttered, trying to muster a grateful smile. he opened his notebook and attempted to take notes, but his eyelids felt like lead weights. the teacher’s voice droned on, a monotonous hum that only made him feel sleepier.

his head began to nod, his vision blurring as he struggled to stay awake. just as he was about to give in to the sweet embrace of sleep, he heard his name being called.

“mr. choi,” the teacher’s voice was sharp and reprimanding. beomgyu jolted awake, blinking rapidly.

“y-yes?” he stammered, sitting up straight.

“care to repeat what i just said?” the teacher asked, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.

beomgyu’s mind went blank. he hadn’t heard a single word. “uh… something about calculus?” he guessed, hoping he was at least close.

the class snickered, and the teacher sighed in exasperation. “detention, mr. choi. maybe next time you’ll pay attention instead of dozing off in my class.”

beomgyu slumped back in his seat, cursing under his breath. “great. just fucking great,” he thought.

by the time lunch rolled around, beomgyu was ready to collapse. he shuffled towards the cafeteria, his head hanging low. he spotted his friends at their usual table and dragged himself over, the fluorescent lights feeling like a personal attack on his already throbbing head.

"yo, beomgyu!" yeonjun called out, waving him over. "you look like shit, man. rough night?"

beomgyu slumped into a chair, the metal groaning under his weight. a defeated grunt escaped his lips as he slumped his tray onto the table. "yeah," he mumbled, picking at his food with a complete lack of enthusiasm.

soobin, munching on an apple, raised an eyebrow. "again? dude, you really need to see a doctor or something."

beomgyu shrugged, picking at his food without much appetite. "what are they gonna do? prescribe me more useless meds? no thanks."

yeonjun leaned forward, concern etched on his face. "have you tried, like, meditation or something? i heard it can help."

beomgyu rolled his eyes. "yeah, 'cause sitting still and doing nothing is gonna magically cure my insomnia. thanks, but no thanks."

taehyun looked at him, frowning. "you really should try something, man. this can’t be good for you."

beomgyu sighed. "yeah, well, i’ve tried everything. nothing works. now i’ve got detention ‘cause i fell asleep in math."

taehyun winced. "harsh. what are you gonna do?"

"skip it, maybe. find a quiet place to sleep," beomgyu muttered, pushing his tray away.

beomgyu wandered the halls, his mind a jumble of thoughts and exhaustion. the school was a labyrinth of possibilities, each one fraught with its own set of risks and potential rewards. he needed to find the perfect place to nap, somewhere quiet and out of the way where no one would bother him.

places to (possibly) sleep 1) the janitor's closet

the first place that came to mind was the janitor’s closet. beomgyu had passed by it a million times, always noticing how the janitor, mr. lee, would leave it unlocked while he went about his duties. beomgyu headed towards the closet, glancing around to make sure no one was watching. he carefully turned the knob and slipped inside.

the closet was small and dark, filled with cleaning supplies and equipment. the smell of bleach and disinfectant was strong, but beomgyu didn’t care. he saw a small space behind a stack of boxes and decided it would have to do. he crouched down, wedging himself into the cramped space. the floor was cold and hard, but he was desperate for some rest.

he closed his eyes, trying to let the darkness and quiet lull him to sleep. just as he felt himself drifting off, the door creaked open. beomgyu’s eyes snapped open, and he held his breath. mr. lee stood in the doorway, a look of confusion quickly turning to annoyance on his face.

“hey! what are you doing in here?” mr. lee barked.

“shit,” beomgyu muttered under his breath. he scrambled to his feet, his heart pounding. “sorry, i—uh—i got lost?”

mr. lee narrowed his eyes. “out. now.”

beomgyu didn’t need to be told twice. he quickly slipped past the janitor and out into the hallway, feeling his face flush with embarrassment. so much for that.

places to (possibly) sleep 1) janitor’s closet 2) library

next, beomgyu decided to try the library. it was usually quiet, and he figured he might be able to find a secluded corner to catch some z’s. he made his way to the library, the scent of old books hitting him as soon as he stepped inside. the librarian, mrs. tanaka, gave him a stern look over her glasses, but he ignored her and began his search for the perfect spot.

the library was mostly empty, with only a few students scattered around, hunched over their books. beomgyu walked past the rows of shelves, looking for a place where he could hide from prying eyes. he found a spot in the back, behind a tall stack of books on astronomy. it was quiet, and he could hear the faint hum of the air conditioning.

he sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall, and pulled his knees to his chest. the cool air and the silence were soothing, and he felt his eyelids grow heavy. just as he was about to drift off, he heard footsteps. he peeked around the stack of books and saw a group of girls walking towards him, giggling and chatting.

“great,” he thought. “just great.”

the girls didn’t notice him at first, but as they got closer, one of them spotted him. she nudged her friend, and they both started whispering and giggling even louder. beomgyu felt his face heat up with annoyance and embarrassment. this was definitely not going to work.

he got up, brushing the dust off his pants, and made his way out of the library, ignoring the stares and whispers of the girls. “too many people and out in the open,” he thought. scratch that idea.

places to (possibly) sleep 1) janitor’s closet 2) library

beomgyu trudged on, defeat clinging to him like yesterday's gym clothes. he formulated a mental list in his head, each possibility crumpling under the weight of potential interruptions. the rooftop? too exposed. the music room? a rogue trumpet could shatter any hope of sleep.

his weary eyes scanned the familiar halls, a sliver of hope flickering as he rounded a corner. there it stood, a solitary figure against the twilight sky—the astronomy tower.

the tower, a relic of a bygone era of scientific exploration. its once-gleaming silver exterior was now weathered and rusted, the windows dark and vacant. It had been years since anyone had ventured inside, rumors of asbestos and ghosts swirling around it like dusty cobwebs.

but for beomgyu, in his desperate search for a haven, the tower's isolation was a siren song. no students lingered in its shadow, no teachers patrolled its perimeter. in that forgotten corner, a flicker of hope ignited. it might be dusty, it might be creepy, but it could be perfect. as he neared the tower, the details became more pronounced: chipped tiles forming the entrance walkway, a rusty weather vane groaning in the faint evening breeze, and the peeling paint revealing the faded inscription "ad astra per aspera" - "to the stars through difficulties." an odd prickle ran down his spine. the inscription felt oddly fitting, a challenge on this day of immense hardship. could the tower, in its own dilapidated way, be his path to the stars? to sleep, the most elusive star in his current reality? the door was old and creaky, and it took a bit of effort to push it open. just as he was about to reach for the door handle, the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day.

“fuck,” beomgyu muttered, feeling his shoulders slump in defeat. the observatory would have to wait. he decided then and there that he would check it out tomorrow during his free period. he turned and trudged back down the hallway, the prospect of a good nap tantalizingly out of reach.

⋆˚࿔ taglist! @flowzel , @izzyy-stuff , @inkigayocamman , @beombeomlovesme ⤷ want to get notified? click here!

© 2024 seoulzie

[starker-raving-mads]

For You: Part IX

im so sorry this took so long but everyone can thank @madeforstarker for kicking me in the ass to get it done. Thank you, princess <3

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX

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Peter didn't see Tony for three days.

This was partially his fault. His initial reaction to The Bedroom Incident, as he was calling it, was to flee the entire building, his feet scurrying him to May's apartment early the following morning. He spent a good few hours with his aunt - something he didn't actually regret, though the reason for the new time together soured it a little for him - and when she left for work he left for patrol. It was probably his longest patrol yet, capping off at 6 hours, and while it felt good to stretch his muscles and help the people of Queens, his mind constantly drifted back to The Bedroom Incident.

He couldn't face Tony after that.

And yet he couldn't not.

After weeks of living in the penthouse, it felt like home. It was the only place he felt well and truly free and comfortable, and Tony being there just made it even better. Even with the - awkwardness that now surrounded them, surely they could get over that right? It's not like he'd said Tony's name. Out loud, at least.

So, exhausted and starving, he swung by a 24/7 deli and grabbed two sandwiches. They wouldn't be as good as Mr. Delmar's but Peter was starving so he'd take what he could get. He ate one of them on the walk home in his street wear, taking his time by taking a circuitous route back to Stark Tower. It was just delaying the inevitable but Peter couldn't bring himself to speed up the awkward conversation he was no doubt gonna have once he got home.

And yet, once the elevator doors opened and revealed the penthouse, no one was there.

"Fri?" he called.

"Yes, mom?"

"Where's, uh - where's Tony at?"

"Boss has been dematerialized and operating within the bounds of his cognitive digital space, which I am unable to access. Would you like me to get him for you?" she asked, tone colored with curiosity. Peter had to wonder what she thought of the situation, but also did not want to know. He could only imagine the leaps in logic she would make that would hit too close to home.

He dawdled around the living room for a little while before heading down to the labs, half expecting Tony to be there, blue and glowing and insubstantial but present and, for lack of better words, alive.

This was not the case.

Tony was nowhere in the confines of the lab. Peter sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, slowly making his way toward the elevator. He stopped before he entered it and turned around, speaking aloud, "I, uh, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I - yeah. I'll be around." He felt like an idiot speaking to an empty room but he wasn't sure what else to do.

He spent the rest of the night in the penthouse doing his online course work in silence. When he went to bed, he had Friday tell Tony just in case he wanted to know where Peter was, and then fell into a very tense and restless sleep.

The following two days were much like the first. Peter woke up, had Friday tell Tony what he was doing or where he was, visited his friends or May, patrolled, and did his online coursework. He'd come home, have Friday update Tony - not that she ever got an affirmative response - and he went to bed. He slept like shit, he felt like shit, and it was really starting to drain him.

On the fourth day, when he'd about lost his patience and his nerve, Tony finally popped into existence in the middle of the living room. It scared the hell out of him but he didn't do much more than look at the older man, dumbfounded and slightly stupefied.

"Tony?"

"Yeah, uh," the simulation ran a hand through his hair, messing it up in an impossibly cute way, "hi."

"Hi," Peter replied, lame as fuck.

They stared at each other in silence, brown eyes meeting blue ones, before Tony finally broke the tension.

"I'msorryforintrudingandseeingyoucum."

It was only Peter's enhanced senses that made the jumble of words make sense and he blushed immediately, grimacing and trying to hide it.

"It - uh, it's okay."

"It's really not, this is your place and I should give you privacy and I didn't and - " Tony paused, looking at Peter again. " - and I really should not know you have a daddy kink, kid."

"Oh god," Peter groaned, grabbing a pillow and shoving it over his face. "You heard that?"

Tony chuckled and it somehow broke the tension in the room despite the topic. "Kinda hard not to when you're all breathy and moaning. Plus," he shrugged, still grinning, "I have this kickass new memory since it all gets stored and fragmented and saved now."

"Please, please let's change topics before I pass out from blood loss," Peter begged. And, suddenly, everything felt right with the world again. This was their thing. Teasing and being teased, having fun and making jokes between all the serious stuff. It felt good, like a breath of fresh air after three very long, very lonely days.

Peter tried not to analyze what that meant for the future of his sex life.

Long and lonely, he sighed.

But, they moved topics like Peter had wanted, only to something he had not really expected.

"You what?" he asked, perplexed.

"I sent Pepper a Cease & Desist," Tony said as if it made any sense at all.

"How? Did you tell her you were - "

"Oh no, no way," the older man shook his head. "I figured neither of us were ready to pop open that can of worms. I sent it through Friday on your behalf - which," he grimaced, "I probably should've asked first, but what's done is done."

"It's fine, I guess, just - why?" That was what Peter couldn't understand. Why would Tony be sending C&Ds to his wife of all people? And on Peter's behalf no less.

"Listen, kid, I fucked up when I made my will - and before you start thinking it was about your part, it wasn't that," he cut Peter off when he saw the protest in his eyes. With a firm glare, he continued, "She had no right doing a lot of the things she did and is still doing. I had plenty of time in the last three days to think about it, analyze data, check on sources - it's amazing what having all that extra time I'd normally be sleeping can do - and I'm very unhappy with her, Pete."

"Just, why?" Peter asked again, feeling like a parrot or an NPC who had no other dialogue.

"She shouldn't have taken your blanket," the older man glared. "And she shouldn't have said what she did in that meeting room, or any of the tactics she's employed since. I know Pepper, kid, like I know the back of my hand," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand. "That means all the good and the bad. I know that I loved her, or something like that - I must have, to have gotten married and had a kid and everything," he waved his hand like this was not a tremendous thing to be admitting. Might have loved his wife. Oh boy. "But she's taking my decisions out on you and it's not right and it's not fair."

"I don't - "

"If you say you don't mind, kid, I'm gonna figure out a way to kick your ass," Tony swore. "You matter, your persona matters to the public and the shareholders, your favorite things matter even when they're just blankets, and you matter enough to me to be able to see your own god daughter."

"I - thank you," Peter replied softly, curling into the couch with a not-as-cozy blanket draped over him. "I don't know what to say to that."

"Just accept it."

Peter chuckled. "I can do that."

A sweet smile was spread across the space between them, warm and something. After a moment, Peter asked, "So what exactly did your C&D say?"

"The majority of it was just getting her to stop her public and private attacks on you," Tony started. He sat on one of the couch cushions and it was weird seeing it not sink in with his weight. "There was a second petition as well, to get visiting hours with Morgan. I hope, uh," he looked truly nervous here. "I hope you don't mind. I really think you'll love her, Pete." His eyes were earnest as he said this, not really looking for acceptance to an apology that wasn't given. Tony wanted Peter to know his daughter and Peter wanted that too.

"Of course I will," Peter smiled. "She's part you, remember?"

[sucker4sixx]

Promises

Recycled from 2023!

Plot: unlike def leppard nikki makes promises he cannot keep

Warnings: mental breakdown, smut

Another friday night. You spent the day at home cooking a lovely meal for nikki, he was always disappearing to have a drink with his band but this time he promised to come home, it was different from all the other promises because this time he said he ment it.

Again.

You cooked you both a huge chilli, his favourite. And set it out by 7pm. He finished work at 5 but you didnt expect him to come home straight away, that was completely fine. Just aslong as he was home before nine.

8pm. You ass was getting sore from the uncomfortable wooden seat that you waited on and the candles where halfway done. Yeah sure you where nervous but its not exactly like hes done anything wrong, theres still time for him to arrive. You thanked the stars you put the plastic containers over the plates or otherwise they would be cold.

8:30. You where growing impatient, the tight black dress you wore starting to itch. No matter how much you checked your phone you wouldnt call him. Its his job to keep a promise. He is an adult.

8:50. Tears started growing in your eyes "ten minutes nikki. You got ten more minutes" you whispered to yourself.

8:51...

8:52...

8:53...

8:59 *ping* your phone buzzed

Contact name: "nikki"

"Hay baby foing to be a lirtle late back hime tonight, lobe you so much x"

That same message you got almost every second day, your eyes pouring of tears now.

"Fuck you."

Not exactly mature but your brain was racing and it was all you could muster up. Instead of doing what you would usually do, cry in your bed. You picked up the two, well made, plates of food and threw them on the ground.

Screaming all hell. The wine glasses filled with that extremely expensive wine he bought you? Smashed against the wall. You would crush the candles but they had already completely melted.

Your phone rang and rang as you lay on the kitchen floor covered in cold chilly, pieces of glass from the wine glasses leaving tiny scars on your arms. Anyone wouldve thought you where manic, but you thought this was too tame compared to how he really made you feel. You cried your eyes out as if you had no neighbours and you where in the planet completely alone, thats how you felt anyways.

10pm, you didnt move from your position, the melt down slowing but the crying becoming more dramatic.

"How could he do this to me? Im such a great girlfriend. I cook home made meals, i dont expect much of him" you though, only seeing red.

*click*

You look over to see nikki standing at the door way, looking at you like you where some sort of monster "babe? Ive been calling you like crazy! What have you done!" He scolded you, walking towards the 'crime scene' as few might describe it. "You have no fucking right to be scolding me!" You screamed back, standing up, feeling light headed from crying and screaming so much "every week, i slave in the kitchen over you" you pointed to the chilli on the ground "baby i promise ill come home tonight you just go cook a fucking meal that will take you fucking hours so that i can stand you up!" You mocked him. You walked towards him slowly, grabbing onto his shirt leaving it covered in chilli "ive fucking had it with you nikki" you said weakly, crying "i-" "dont talk to me right now" you walked upstairs, a trail of chilli staining the white carpet.

You ran a shower and locked the bathroom door so that he couldnt come in. The water pelting against you as you sat down made the feeling go away, the deep feeling of being stabbed in the back. After your long shower you got out and put on your pjs that thank god you remembered to take them in and dried your hair with the hairdryer that sat on the counter.

*knock knock*

You turned round to look at the door where the knocks came from. "Honey?" god he knew you loved when he called you that "what is it, nikki?" "Let me in please" he winced, almost like he was crying "i cant" he just huffed and sat against the door "i know i failed you multiple times" you sat against the door too feeling your eyes tear up "but god if you only knew how much i love you. God if only i could show you then youd know forever" "nikki ive heard it before. Your never going to change" you heard him crying softly "baby please" he pawed at the door, the alcohol becoming more evident. You reluctantly opened the door and he looked up at you like a lost kitten, propping himself up with one hand, eyes bright red and puffy. You both stayed still for a minute untill you got onto your knees, his gorgeous eyes scanning your face for your next move. Softly you kissed him and he brought his hand up to hold your face.

Without warning nikki slowly started backing you up onto the floor, his other hand behind your head. When you where fully on the ground, his hands traveled down to your pj pants to pull them down to your ankles while you undid his tight leather jeans. Soon you where both stripped as nikki sat inbetween your legs, kissing you on the neck making you whimper softly. He grabbed onto your hands tight "please dont leave me baby" he whispered, your hand coming up to tangle your fingers in his hair making him whimper too. He sat up, left arm resting by your head, legs spreading yours to give him more access and his right hand holding his dick. He dragged his tip through your folds painfully slow, knowing how to tease you right "nikki hurry up!" You laughed, you laughter was cut off by a gasp as he pushed into you. He moved down slowly since there was no foreplay, both groaning as he did so "fuck honey, your so tight"

You grabbed him into a tight hug as he finally got right into you, stopping to let your pussy adjust. "Are you okay baby?" You pulled him back in, making his dick go in further, you moan softly "i missed you" as a response nikki started moving out of you and moving back in before he was fully out. Your back arched on the cold tiles as nikkis pace quickened, still in a tight hug. He peppered your face with kisses making your face blush even more"im so sorry baby, im so sorry" he mumbled speeding up, your sweat mixing and the sound of his skin hitting yours becoming louder. You trailed your tongue up his neck making him moan and rest his forehead head on the cold tiles. You brought your hand down to play with your clit noticing that nikki was unintentionally getting more out of it than you, your other hand coming up to tug on his black scruffy hair.

Five minutes later he started thrusting sloppily and you felt the knot in your tummy tighten as he started to hit the g spot, you let out a loud moan and nikki figured you out, pushing in and out harder the exact way he did making you almost cry his name "baby...im going to cum" you winced feeling your vision blur and nikkj picked up his pace"let yourself go honey, cum around me" it was odd not hearing nikki swear and dirty talk but then again it was odd having soft sex and even odder having it on the bathroom floor. Your thighs shook as you felt the knot undo. Nikki moaning loudly when he felt you tighten around him "oh fuck baby, where should i cum" "on my chest" with that he pulled out fast and pumped himself a few times, making deep eye contact.

After a second or two his warm cum splatted on your tummy and rolled down your sides, he let out a struggled moan, hanging his head low.

None of you moved for a minute or two. Your back lay against the cold tiles gasping for air and nikki stayed between your legs gasping too. Both covered in sweat. Eventually he got some toilet paper and cleaned you both up, after, he picked you up carefully and carried you bridal style into the bedroom laying you down gently, no words spoken at all. "Are you alright darling?" He looked down at you "i just need you to be here then ill be alright" you felt your eyes tearing up, he got in next to you, staring at you sympathetically "ill be home tomorrow night i swear on it, ill try even harder" you couldnt help but frown, hearing the same speech again and again was getting tiring "yeah." "what did i say?"

"What you say every day" he stopped to think for a minute "ill try harder this time, ill tell mick. You know him he wont let me stay i swear, I want to be better for you baby i mean it" you felt your cheeks glow but stopped yourself from thinking of any change actually happening.

Saturday night. You spent the day at home cooking a lovely meal for nikki, he was always disappearing to have a drink with his band but this time he promised to come home, it was different from all the other promises because this time he said he ment it. Again.

You cooked you both a spaghetti, your favourite. And set it out by 7pm. He finished work at 5 but you didnt expect him to come home straight away, that was completely fine. Just aslong as he was home before nine.

8pm. You ass was getting sore from the uncomfortable wooden seat that you waited on and the candles where halfway done. Yeah sure you where nervous but its not exactly like hes done anything wrong, theres still time for him to arrive. You thanked the stars you put the plastic containers over the plates or otherwise they would be cold. No matter how much you checked your phone you wouldnt call him. Its his job to keep a promise. He is an adult.

8:30. Tears started growing in your eyes again *CLICK*

"hey baby im home!"...

[rize]

the ramblings of angry girl ruined by a capitalist warehouse shitty country blah blah rant

I HATE MY JOB SO FUCKING MUCH RAAAAHHHHHJ IT SUXKS SO MUCH ASS

every weekend when I go in for my 12 hour shifts, I question… “How can it get worse?”

then it gets 10x worse.

All the jobs around me are retail, fast food or other warehouses… ugh, not doing that in this economy and society…

I’m very mad still.

Okay, so two weeks ago, management said we’d only work Fridays bc on Saturday and Sunday the department won’t be running. Tell me why last minute today they say they want us in tomorrow and Sunday? Fuck no, I’m calling off because I have plans and stuff to do. I only found out about it today, I didn’t go in last week because I had Friday approved off.

They literally fucked everyone over in the department bc so many fellow coworkers had plans as well and are enraged too. I would love to be a fly on the wall tomorrow honestly to see how many people actually arrive, keep in mind my department is picking orders and meanwhile we’re understaffed as hell and constantly overworked and expected to do the work of 10 people

like im so exhausted and done ive just silently quit and put in the littlest amount of effort that is possible. i dread thursdays knowing I have to go into literal hell. Oh, have I mentioned during these twelve hour shifts the building is hot as hell? As well as management not putting more fans around and replacing broken ones, no matter how badly it’s requested.

My coworkers I mentioned are all efficient and skilled workers as well, but majority of the department is made-up of slow coworkers with very few being good at theory job. I’m so tired of my efficiency being an excuse to overwork me im so done

its not like i can quit and job search while jobless, especially in this economy plus my work benefits.. sighs, anyways

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 32

welcome to the thirty-second fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. A Dragon’s Treasure by @wittyy-name

As heir to the kingdom, Lance always thought he knew exactly what life had in store for him. That is, until a dragon kidnaps him at the age of sixteen. Suddenly his life is a lot less parties, lessons, and castles, and a hell of a lot more barren mountains, grumpy dragons, and boredom. From heir to prize, in just one night.

So now he’s stuck living in a cave with an adolescent, grumpy dragon who doesn’t seem to want him there but still won’t let him go. Not to mention his annoying habit of defeating every suitor who tries to come rescue Lance.

As much as he hates to admit it, he’s probably going to be here for a while. So he might as well settle in and get to know this dragon named Keith.

i accidentally lied last week this one is the last one from my rereadables collection. and for good reason!! dragon beauty and the beast tbh. and wittyy-name ALWAYS nails the complicated i-love-you-and-feel-trapped-by-you, complicated relationships kind of thing. and i fckn love it so so much 

2. Needle and Thread by VulpesVulpes713

Based on the prompt "kisses meant to distract the other person from whatever they were intently doing ". Keith tries to fix a tear in his jacket. Lance just wants some attention. The end result? Feelings.

this one is so cute they are so in love u know?? they just like to be around each other. always a fun read. vulpes is very good at klance with a crush on each other regardless of whether they’re already dating lol

3. Plans Are Overrated, Anyway by @chyeahlex16

"Lance, I-" "I know, I know," Lance said as he bustled around his nearly bare bedroom, tossing shirts out of drawers and pictures off of walls into his open suitcase on his bed. "I totally procrastinated till the last minute, just like you said! I don't need to hear the 'I told you so,' a little help packing would be nice!" "Lance-" "I bet you're already packed," he went on, oblivious to his best friend anxiously shifting in his doorway in frustration and anxiety. "Man, I can't wait until we get there-" "Lance! I have something to tell you!" Lance blinked, stilling his movements. He'd never seen his best friend so... guilty and anxious before. His brows pulled together in concern. "What's up, buddy?" "I'm not going to the Garrison with you." ~ In which I project onto Lance about things that I'm currently going through because I need to vent lol

HUNK AND LANCE HUNK AND LANCE HUNK AND LANCE. we do NOT have enough of it in this here fandom, ESPECIALLY prekerb, early relationship, and what a shame! i have always loved this fic’s exploration of their relationship and the ways they had to learn to grow into themselves, the starts and explanations for the way they were when we saw them. i love them

4. With These Hands by @azapofinspiration

Despite all the trouble they'd been through, Hunk figured everything had turned out all right. After all, he and Lance had managed to return to the castle!

Then Hunk sees the bruises and knows that things are not as good as he thought.

bro a-zap has always KILLED early season dynamics and their missing moments series is everything!! ive always needs three hundred percent more context on the mermaid episode and this fic provides not only that but also some excellent hunk & lance moments, with hurt/comfort that isnt imbalanced or infantilizing on either paladin’s part which is a low bar but awesome anyway 

5. Not As Clueless by @azapofinspiration

Pidge had always thought it was strange that despite being quite observant, Lance had completely missed the fact that she was a girl. However, it seems that that wasn’t really the case.

from the same series i just mentioned! lance IS observant, thank you very much, and i loved this take and interpretation. as much as lance does have a tendency to be dense about things, he also tends to be very observant bc hes a walking dichotomy. he notices things but his conclusions are often different than what others would make, and this entire concept is nailed in like 1.5k words

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

[lovestrawberrys]

Hello! Its 10:43 pm

Im raven and im doing a blog about my journey with anxiety and trying to step outside my comfort zone.

I know ive been inactive for a while, i just finished an entire week of exams which was so exhausting and stressful. This week has been nothing but stress and anxiety and i havent even had time to think about this blog to be honest, but thankfully its friday and im done with exams.

On tuesday i had 5 hours of exam, i had a 3 hour english exam and then a 2 hour legal exam right after with like a break not even long enough for me to literally finish my lunch food (sad i know). I was super exhausted and fell asleep the second i got home, and then its just been an exam each day after, all run for 2 hours. Yesterday was filled with anxiety because my friend had been hospitalized and so i decided to travel after my exam to go visit her and bring her flowers, and it was a hell of an adventure. Not only was i already extremely worried for her but nearly missed the bus and the train, i couldnt find the hospital, i forgot to buy food, and it just kept getting more chaotic.

And this afternoon, not even that long ago id say like half an hour, i was having a deep conversation with my aunt and we just talked for like an hour or two about my anxiety. I completely opened up to her and what it was like in my mind, of course shes family so she was already aware of my anxiety in general but it was very vulnerable for me to speak to her about how my mind operates and what its like for me. We had a really long talk and just about almost like every aspect of my anxiety. I told her how i tend to find myself judging certain aspects in my self that i love in others because im so conditioned to hate myself, but if i were to hear my own words from someone else i would think theyre being ridiculous, which im aware of but its so weird, like genuinely mind boggling. We also talked about how there are people who literally dont even have a voice in their head which, again is so weird to me because my mind is running constantly, it never stops.

She recommended me an anxiety spray that’s completely natural to help slow down my mind instead of synthetic chemicals trying to completely stop it. Its a little pricey but it has good reviews so im really hoping it works.

Anyways, its been a long week but i now have three days off to chill out, im going to try and paint and be creative to have an outlet. Theres an art project ive been wanting to work on for a while which is to make my own hair clips because im going through a recent obsession with hairclips honestly. But to be honest, i might just end up binge playing the last of us cus i just got the second game!

Thats all for today, thank you for reading 💕

[rawmeknockout]

i have some thoughts about degrees of lewdity but this isn’t a review these are just my opinions and observations

i want to preface this by saying, although i like text based smut games, im not some connoisseur and i haven’t played that many. really my deepest exposure is fenoxo’s games and maybe a handful of others i haven’t played in a while.

so i totally went in blind, i have seen the names of characters floating around and ive read a fic or two about it on here if the set up or summary piqued my interest, but i already had some preconceived idea of what it was about and the general set up (i ended up so wrong lmao) so i didn’t bother looking up anything about it because i was fairly certain i knew it was about your player being in college and interacting with the town or whatever

i had the view it was like friday night funkin??? not in gameplay or story but like that generally it has a lot of hype around it and a pretty voracious community (i was already aware of mods for the game so i think that also made me think of fnf which also has a lot of mods) and that most of the appeal is the hype built up around the game. not saying that’s bad but that was my general idea/opinion of it idk why lmao

i was kind of white man jumpscared by the actual contents of the game. i didn’t find any of it triggering necessarily but i didn’t expect it to lean so hard into certain fetishes. im pretty desensitized to a lot of hardcore kinks in smut so it wasn’t a deal breaker for me bc i was still interested in checking out the game, and there’s options in the default game to turn off certain interactions, but i definitely think people should look up the trigger warnings for the game first and not just jump into it blind like i did. i had a totally different idea of the game so i didnt even think i needed to look up what it involved.

in my brief experiences of the game through the fandom, i imagined it as a college student in a sex game sorta akin to things put out by fenoxo now, but it’s more like the first Corruption of Champions (which you can only find through an internet archive these days probably because of the contents of the game idk if fenoxo has disavowed it or whatever but they’ve certainly left that project i believe because they also have a patreon that they rely on)

your character is a high schooler and i believe it’s mentioned they just turned 18? there’s a disclaimer that all characters are 18+ but i don’t think it’s ever mentioned in game or if it is its like a passing thing. not that like,, ages are ever heavily mentioned in any media but i know there are some people who would like it explicitly stated. in my opinion, going into any 18+ game, i just expect all characters to be 18+. id prefer them even older than that but ive never come across a game where i was jumpscared by a minor.

i think it’s set in a high school because that gives stricter penalties and set ups for consequences? if your in college and you skip class no one’s gonna hold it against you because you’re paying to skip school lol that’s the penalty. also high school tends to be a pretty traditional set up for a game it gives the creator the opportunity to involve a learning mechanic and sets a place for interactions and a structured time table for most of the week. another function is that, as a porn game, some people are in to being barely legal and an object of sexualization because of that. the game leans heavily on having authorities outside of the players control because as it turns out the whole town is essentially hell. we are straight up in the devils asshole right now and we don’t even know it.

one of the most stressful things going in on the first game is the need to make money, you owe money to the orphanage caretaker and you need it by the end of the week every week and this mechanic does NOT go away. it increases until it caps out at £2000. the game is in britain? so you know you’re in for a bad time.

the game is pretty hard going in i’m not gonna lie maybe im just a filthy casual when it comes to smut games but i found the penalties for repeated encounters, which are hard to escape from, racked up quickly. i was playing on normal but there is a soft mode, but i personally just wanted the regular experience of the game. i get that it’s realistic, in a sense, to have trauma and stress pile up quickly but if you let it get out of hand you get sent to the asylum!!! which is not much better!!! and when you get out you still owe money to Bailey when you haven’t been able to work 😭 very real very landlord

after playing the default game for a little bit i quickly searched for a better looking mod. part of the appeal of the game is the customizable character. i am fine with a gaia looking avatar but i just prefer the Bees mod avatar. i believe its one of the more popular mods but other than that i haven’t looked for any other, partly because i play in browser. i dont really like to download games if i can help it bc i play on ipad while im scrunched up in bed like a cozy shrimp.

my favorite named NPC is Sydney, followed by Avery. Avery gives you and has old man dick so im weak. Sydney, i haven’t played all of his content because i don’t want to lower his purity 😔 i know a lot of his content is locked behind that but he’s so sweet and cute i don’t want to. i will probably eventually. Sydney is your one bastion of normal interaction (other than Robin and even that isn’t true for long) in a sea of fucked up. Sydney also is a member of a cult. 😀 a cult that you can get involved in at your own risk. don’t do it.

the worst is probably Kylar. at least with high combat you can take care of Whitney, with Kylar he’s just a freak. he’s cute in some instances but in others he’s unbearable. he can also kidnap you and apply the stockholm syndrome status effect. 🤨

i generally, through every game i play, do the typical ‘good guy’ route. even in a game i have a hard time escaping the socially acceptable response and not doing the ‘right’ thing. this is true when i play COC or Trials in Tainted Space or really any game any genre. i’ll probably explore other routes but i wont be happy about it. idk i like to play good guy i like to be nice. my combat skills built up quick as a result because you will get into so many assault encounters but i think thats true regardless.

btw don’t bother with any other job unless you want to do sex work, just work the temp agency the entire week. it’s closed on weekends but it’s the most reliable source of money imo and doesn’t have a strict time table other than opening and closing. you can just go in and work whenever. if you get the boss to like you he’ll give you a bonus too.

i ended up looking for info on certain features and stories of the game which led me to reddit, as searches often do, and i inadvertently found out more info about that game AND the creator which dampened my idea of the game, but not necessarily in the way you would think. while i am generally enjoying playing, although it can be difficult bc it relies a lot on combat in interactions and you don’t like get to fight in a traditional sense (it can be hard to tell how ‘strong’ your character is i guess? lmao), i found out that despite the actual hardcore contents of the game, that include trafficking, there is no abortion feature. which is so funny to type out. however the creator has made it abundantly clear there will never be an abortion feature?? which okay i just have to say that’s a wild feature to have in game anyway but it makes sense!!!! because it’s a porn game where your character can get pregnant!!! but if you use the cheats version that is available in the options, you can delete a pregnancy HOWEVER it makes it very clear in the text accompanying the cheat that “this is not an abortion, this is a cheat”

look, deciding to add that is, in itself, betraying a sort of political stance no matter how much you wish to avoid it. i’ve heard through others that the creator wants to convey the actual trauma of SA, which obviously can include carrying a pregnancy you don’t want, however having an abortion you don’t want is also traumatic??? as someone with a vagina, living in a place where i cannot do as i wish with that vagina, it left me with a feeling of distaste towards the creator and the game. in a game where your creator can get SA’d BACK TO BACK you cannot then deal with the potential outcome of that??? you just have to like carry it if you don’t use the cheat version? it’s easy enough to access but the text accompanying it is blatant.

i believe that this is because the creator relies on donations on their website and because of the contents of the game they aren’t allowed to have a patreon (but don’t quote me on that because i haven’t checked the main site all i know is that certain games have had to change their contents bc patreon wouldn’t allow them to continue functioning on their site as is) which i am sympathetic to, however uuuh making a statement next to your cheat is in itself a way of signaling politics. in my opinion. as someone this actually affects. lol.

i think the creator has made a statement regarding some of the interactions as people in costume? maybe to like give plausible deniability? but like,,, the game is what it is because you made it that i would just lean in to it. they might have a hard time tho finding somewhere to platform their game or gather donations because of that, so i dont think its the weirdest thing for them to deny the contents of their game as how they appear. im sorta just shrug at this moment, i would prefer someone to just take their creation as it is but its probably more to do with the rules and stipulations of places like paypal and certain domains. i wouldn’t know. i dont mean to come off judgmental or like this is some horrible transgression, i get that collecting money online is a hassle if your main source is a smut game and i have no experience doing that so again shrug. if its what they have to do its what they have to do. again i think its like COC where its almost been wiped from the internet and remade into COC2 by the creators, and even then they’ve had to change some of the contents because patreon and paypal are pretty stringent about their rules.

i’ve skipped a lot of the contents of the game because first i think tumblr would nuke me from orbit but also a lot of it is genuinely very dark and triggering. this is not a game you should jump into without looking up the setting and gameplay prior. you should most definitely at least look through the advanced options before starting the game and look at each option you can toggle on and off because it will give you a better idea of what you’re in for.

[bapouro]

If you have the time and if it’d be fun at all, can you talk about how going to school for art is/was? Like what was bad about it but what did it make you realize about why you create? What was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? I’m just curious because I really only got into art after college age.

Hi

ive finally handed in my final project ever last friday and after somewhat recovering i can now answer u. (ill put an aside here that before i started uni, i saw a lot of the online umming and awing about art school and it being a scam etc that made me nervous going into it. i dont really think it has been for me but keep in mind im doing this in the uk. i think if i was in the usa or somewhere where it was that expensive i think youd get just about as many benefits going to somewhere like a community college instead. its worth a bit of money but not a lot of money.)

i realised while turning over your questions in my head last week how much doing my degree (illustration undergrad) during covid lockdown, illustrated (haha) the point art school had for me. and the point being that after trying to stick it out for the first few terms during lockdown, i deferred, i didnt really see the point i had already spent my entire life making art in my bedroom online for free, without somebody telling me what to do. practically what that degree offered me was physical facilities and resources, but really what i wanted it for was that vague miasma of drive and something bigger than myself to physically 'prove' myself to. i was and still am very interested in that gap between the online environment i learnt art within that felt a world away from my 'real life', and coming to meet with that 'real life' was kind of my goal. i needed both to meet on a very basic level for my quality of life. and id say i succeeded. twice now somebody i was originally mutuals with online turned out to be in my class. i live with one of them now. and i feel some pride now looking back on how much i felt like i had to separate my 'school' art and my 'personal' art during secondary school and now theyre practically one and the same. in fact one piece of advice ive kept with me from the uni tutors here is they consistently wish the students wouldnt 'hold back' so much on the kind of work they make: one of my friends, the one i now live with, was doing a tasteful furry pinup statue for a project and one of the tutors essentially asked them why the statue was being so sexually subtle with it, for example.

so what was bad about it! man... thinking about it the same reason i gave for why i came back after lockdown could also point out how flippant the reasoning was. its still a lot of time and effort let alone money to be putting into something that you dont Need an institution for. and art and academia, as much as you might try, arent going to be as neatly married as maybe STEM and academia. not that there isnt a place for it. we need it in there. but basically your work still has to get 'graded' on things so they can prove themselves as an institution so they can still get money to run. i ''apreciated'' the deadline part, for what it was, because i was(/am) a serial put-er off-er and i knew i needed something big to try and train me out of it. but the actual mark scheme and trying to work off of it is never not going to be nebulous. what the hell does it mean to 'demonstrate my awareness of the changing landscape of contemporary illustration' graded between 0 - 100 via a 3d animation. ive done pretty well. sometimes id get top marks. a couple times i wouldnt even pass and id have to do it again. the only pattern i could really see between what got those marks for me and what didnt was effort? so take with that what you will.

yea that being said, what it helped me realise why i create... i am thankful my particular course at my particular uni is so into their experimentation / medium diversity. because it proved to me again that experimenting is something i love to do. i could keep doing it forever maybe. but that also made me realise after trying to do that project after project that its only one part of the enjoyment. i couldnt sink my teeth in as much as i wanted. part of why im glad to leave is im glad to try and focus on just a few things now. take a project at my pace... reeeally get way too into it. hopefully.

what was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? mm.. i think getting to see a lot of the behind the scenes and the people actually doing illustration as a job kind of softened my glare on some art styles / ways of working i dislike. not that i Like them now but that kind of flat illustrator thing.. for some people it really is more of a job than anything else. i think thats fine. theres all kinds of other art to enjoy outside of their 9-5. i just hope they like it too. but of course it does set a precedent for what clients expect/what you feel like you should be making..? oh also i did actually end up really enjoying the couple of art essays we needed to write. reading cultural/art/etc pdf essays was something i already liked to do like reading baudrillard and ellen dissanayake and things but it was great to actually get to apply it in writing. and i think it certainly became more digestible to realise that these kinds of writers and this kind of writing wasnt some hard to penerate academia i couldnt be a part of really but turned out to be writing about things that already applied to life, whether i went to uni or not. really the whole experience... for me i felt like it was just something i needed to do. if anything just to get away from my family and make my own life. im glad i did it. but really art is art no matter where you find it. uni gave me a push to go further, i could sit around and say i couldve done it without uni but i think we overestimate ourselves. i think i couldve but i bet it wouldve taken longer and i may have experimented less, challenged myself less. who knows. just dont ever let something like that put you off art, it will always find you again eventually. im glad you got into it too.

[golden28s]

tag game wednesday friday ! 🌻

im late again for this but anyways thank to the cool lovely people that thought of me and tagged me 💖 @mickeysgaymom @milkovichrules @guinguin1984

1. if you could switch bodies with anybody for only one hour who would it be and what would you do? someone rich just to transfer the money to my bank account and then i can go back to my body

2. whats your most trivial / dumbest hot take? I’m so sorry

uh, idk that maybe fictional characters are just fictional characters and half of the discussions about them aren't that deep but half of the time they're also representation and give visibility to something, to some people's reality and you have to treat with respect and empathy

3. if you had to teach a college course what would it be in? anything related to medieval literature

4. season 12 of shameless is suddenly happen and youve been put in charge! what plot point(s) are you gonna make happen?

ian and mickey navigating marriage and see them learning how to communicate even better, allow them to have moments for them and be romantic and cheesy and embarrassing because they couldn't be any of that during at least 10 season so they deserve that. probably try to fix lip and tami relationship or simply make them break up because they don't see to understand each other and lip needs peace and space to try to get on his feet again, try to find new goals and aspiration, a new horizon. also maybe open the conversation about ian's experience with grooming and let him heal that wound and at some point after that, and some therapy for mickey too why lie, ian and mickey having an actual and honest conversation about kids and deciding that they're ready for that.

also give debbie a real chance to try to built her own life.

5. who would be your godly parent? (can be any mythology).

idk never thought of this

6. what’s something you love about yourself?

that i cant be angry for too long, i get upset but i cant be mad for hours or days or weeks i just can't

7. describe your day in 5 emojis: 📖📚📒🎧🎶 i've been basically doing uni assignments

8. what shameless character do you think you could beat in a fight? lip because i probably wouldn't even have to touch him, id just say that he's wrong about something and he would be crying shaking yelling

9. tell us 2 truths and a lie, we’ll try to guess the lie!

-ive been writing poems and stories since i was 8

-i hate pickles

-im scared of darkness

10. do you have a pet(s). if so how did they get their name?

i have a cat and idk i just thought it was cool

11. show us a meme (or picture) that captures your essence

12. whats your typical coffee / tea / beverage order?

I don't like coffee and i don't really drink tea but peach iced tea is so good

13 . use a song to describe the last 5 years of your life?

you're on your own kid by taylor swift, it's been a hell of a journey but i have some kind of peace now let's just say that im like mickey and change is not my thing

im late to this like i said so im just gonna tag a few people and feel free to do it or not ! and feel free to ignore too if youve been tagged already @lupeloto @juliakayyy @energievie @creepkinginc @transmickey

[credince--writes]

mor·tal·i·ty Chapter 3

mor·tal·i·ty Chapter 3

AO3 Simon "Ghost" Riley x Fem!OC x John "Soap" MacTavish

Hm, well if I knew you were just a civilized person cosplaying as a bum for the brownie points I would’ve been more likely to offer you a shower and shave for that ridiculous thing you have on your face. Maybe even a dog bed in my living room if you're good.”

“Of course I’d be good for you, Miss Camile.”

The air of Malory’s office always had a horrible habit of being stale. No matter what he did- the windows couldn’t open, no, of course not. They wouldn’t risk someone trying to bash their brains against the cement ten floors below. “But sir, you and I both know that I am more well-versed in this position to be delegated the role of assistant -” Camile offered, a last ditch attempt to persuade the older man. Malory sat in his chair, arms tucked in front of him as he stared out the window. All she could see of him was the top of the back of his head, and the back of his office chair. “ Advisor .” He replied.

“Advisor?” She echoed. 

“Technically, your role is advisor.” He spun in his chair, giving her an amused glance. But her eyes lingered on the gray hair, the bags under his eyes, the age worn into his skin from the constant stress and weight of his position. He’d be the first one to say to her “You can only hide so much with an IV line and a day trip to the medspa.” and, she supposed he was right. He looked his age. A death sentence in this industry.

“Never train your downfall. No offense dear, but you don’t exactly scream the type to be gunning for someone’s position. It makes you perfect for this transition. Someone quiet and willing to do the work assigned without the gusto to steal the rug from under them- if that makes much sense. It’s a compliment under all of those layers.”

“He’ll be here momentarily.” He sighed, reaching over to grab hold of the remote that controlled the shade mechanism for his window, sending the shutters to slowly pull themselves over the sunlight. Leaving them to bathe in fluorescents. She nodded, glancing to the door and anxiously tapping on the folder in her hand. “You know,” Malory offers, the wrinkles in his forehead forming as he grimaced for a moment. “Just…” The sound of a knock- three distinct and firm knocks against the office door. His eyes locked with Camiles for a moment, before letting out a breath, closing his eyes and hardening his gaze at the door. “Come in.” In walked a man dressed in a tight fitting, pressed to all hell suit. A dark navy that was nearly black- freshly polished shoes. Neat and styled black hair, dark brown eyes and a narrow, angular face. As soon as he entered the room, she felt his gaze size her up- scanning her from top to bottom- hair to shoe. It made the hair stand up on the back of her neck, if only for a moment before he broke the tension and smiled. A warm, inviting smile- an extended hand. She stood up, watching as He gave a firm handshake to Malory, turning to her and cupping her hand with a light squeeze. 

“Pelant, it’s wonderful to meet you, Miss Ford. Malory has sung your praises on how you’ll be assisting me in the onboarding process.” His voice was confident, warm. Inviting. For a moment, she forgot to let go of his hand- before quickly pulling it back down to her side. Offering back a smile and a nod, “Of course Mister Pelant, I’ve already taken the liberties of preparing these documents for you to help onboard the carryover clients as well as get you acquainted with our current base.”

He nods, taking the folder. 

Maybe, he wouldn’t be too bad. 

=+=

The weekend had finally graced its presence onto the work week, meaning that Camile could finally go to bed on Friday night knowing that she wouldn’t have to wander her way into work in the morning and hear about how the world was falling apart- at least for two more days. As long as no one called her saying that the office was on fire. Then, of course, as an advisor , she’d mock herself mentally, she would be obligated to go and fix the mess. Pelant wasn’t horrible, but he wasn’t Malory. Two days into his acclimation at the firm she could put money on the fact that there was something off about the man. He was never a hair out of place, everything perfect, kind words and sweet talking that at the moment felt like honey could be dripping from his mouth.

He was kind, he gave praise and compliments to the team working under him. In depth analysis of strategies to make the workflow better, introducing and onboarding a file of new clients in a much smoother manner than she’d ever seen. He would even randomly have his assistant swing by and drop off coffee. She’d offer to pay him back twice now, but each time he outright refused, that honey thick tone projecting back to her that “I could never! Take it as a token of my gratitude for being such a great teammate.”

She should be grateful, really. He’d been nothing but kind and supportive. And the praise had tickled the back part of her brain- maybe it was a good arrangement. Maybe Malory was right and this was the perfect setup for her, it complimented her personality. She was meant to help with important things, do important things. From the background . 

Productivity was never the number one goal after coming off of a hard work week, she cleaned a bit, watched some TV, and just tried to relax. Craning her head back to look at the kitchen became a daunting task in itself- and she could never justify the cost of having food delivered. No, that’s just a waste of hard earned cash. She could walk. It’s the city after all- there’s that sushi place she liked not five minutes from here.

Her eyes lingered on her coffee table, the sound of the baking show fading out of her mind and into a low drone in the background. Three little bottles, an empty wine glass, and a box of chocolates sat on the table mocking her. 

One of them was bright green- key lime. Another pink, strawberry lemonade. White plastic labels and lids meant Pina colada. Maybe when she went to grab some food she could swing by the corner store and grab something sweet and light to drink- a bottle of wine. Not the crappy little bottles. She really didn’t have a reason to justify buying them- they should make her sick to smell. She shouldn’t want to buy them, she knows. She knows better.  

Her phone chimed, screen lighting up and a message notification displaying on the screen.

Chris Pelant- 

I’m going to need you to come in, have some documents that need processing before midnight.

She stared at the screen, blinking a few times in disbelief.

She closed the folder, pushing through her office door and making her way through the floor to Pelant’s new office, curtly knocking on his door and breaching the threshold as he called her in. “I’m getting ready to head out for the weekend. Does anything else need to be done?” She asked, smiling at him as he waved her in and motioned for her to sit. “No, we’ve really been crushing it this week, and all thanks to you- you’ve been such a team player! We’re basically caught up for the next month! Enjoy your weekend!”

She groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes so hard she could hear the strain in her ears. It was just a mishap- these errors always occur. It always happens and it's no one's fault. 

Until it happened the next day.

And the next weekend.

And the next.

She blinks, and she hasn’t had a weekend in two months . 

Because she’s being a team player. Supporting everyone- we couldn’t do it without you! Her vital help to the team, when it’s small things. Processing errors that should’ve been caught days ago- not with him leisurely working on the weekends to ‘catch up on emails’. Who was emailing on Sunday morning at 5am? She wasn’t and the last she checked, there weren’t any foreign clients that would warrant a conversation outside of normal business hours- let alone the normal time zone.

Not many people would be working in the office when she came back, one or two at most. Usually the accountants catch up on billing and input expense receipts. She’d catch the tail end of some guy, always clad in the most downright sinfully tight black suit she’d ever seen- tighter than Pelant’s by far. He’d be dropping off the files Pelant would then hand her, and by the time she’d open the door to her office and try making her way to his, the man would already be in the elevator leaving.

She was tired. To her bones. Her fingers hurt- and she felt bad for even complaining that her fingers hurt. People worked real, hard, manual labor jobs with bone crushing work and she was sniveling and crying over the joints in her fingers. 

It was evening, the sun not yet set but the air cooling from the afternoon sun. The park was quiet, a few people on walks going about their own days and journeys. Her eyes scanned the park, looking for a familiar figure on the bench they seemed to have claimed as their meeting spot.

She stood in front of the bench, eyes glancing over at the trash can with a remnant of one of their previous meetings. Brown paper bag, black plastic back with a horribly printed smiley face on the center of it.

“Ms. Camile! Hard day at work?” 

She nearly jumped out of her skin. She could feel the warmth of his skin behind her, and she turned- craning her neck up to lock eyes with bright blue. Taking a stride backwards and huffing- “You need to stop fucking sneaking up on me, it’s rude.” There was a tang of anger to the end of her words, over the fact that she hadn’t heard him approach. She’d been actively looking for the man yet he still seemed to sneak up on her whenever she went searching for him. “Sorry hen, I forget myself sometimes.” He breathes the words out- and they drip with sweetness. Like maybe syrup- fragrant and warm. “Hiding in the bushes waiting for me again, Johnny?” Camile questions, pushing her hands into her pockets and rolling back onto the heels if her feet. “I was creepin’ in the sewers, actually.” He quips back, letting out a chuckle.

His laughter is rich, and she likes to think that if she’d have closed her eyes, she would lean into it.

“Hm, well you certainly smell like it.” She turns, and starts walking towards the street from the trailhead she’d stepped into. Twenty feet ahead, she turns her head back and watches as he cautiously follows along. “Where're you going?” He asks, jogging for a moment- long legs striding out and catching up in seconds. “I was thinking we’d ditch the bench tonight, and I’d take you out to a proper bar.” 

“Woo’ing the bum now are we?” Johnny smirks, quirking a brow and leaning forward.

“The wind is rather chilly this evening, and I’d like to sit on something other than a rod iron park bench.” She replies bluntly.

+=+

The bar is quaint, a little sticky on the floor and the bartop but if you avoid resting the flesh of your forearms or let your feet linger in one spot too long it’s not hard to ignore. It’s warm, which is what she was shooting for. The office seemed to always be in a perpetual state of cold- layering sweaters and jackets only did so much, the tip of her nose a barely there dusting of rosey red when she checked her rearview mirror every night getting in her car to drive back home.

“So you’re working like dog.” He agrees to her rambling. 

She nods, leaning back on her barstool and reeling the old leather cushion press up against her back as she stares up at the ceiling. Photos tacked to the peeling paint and exposed wood- the occasional dollar bill or twenty tacked over photos, polaroids or newspaper clippings.

“And he’s so nice.” She groans. “I can’t say no. He’s nothing but nice- and I’d be letting everyone down if I didn’t go in and help.”

“But why can’t it be done during the week?” He questions.

“I… I don’t know. I think it’s a finicky client. Bringing in shit late- and to a certain point, when you're bringing in millions for someone like us to play with… We let them turn shit in late.” 

Johnny hums, taking a sip from his drink- something like a Scotch and Soda. She’d be sure to glance at the receipt when she paid to see what the man actually liked to drink outside of the sad offerings she’d bring to their little picnics.

“Sounds shady if you ask me.” He adds, finishing off his drink and signaling to the bartender for a refill. The bartender gives them a look that borders on disgust, the both of them pointedly ignoring how there's a three seat gap from the nearest person sitting near them. And no one has approached the empty chairs to fill them. 

“We’re a private equity firm. Everything we do is shady.” Camile laughs, rubbing the backside of her hand against her tired eyes. The screens and small print on paper certainly doesn't help, maybe the buzz isn’t helping either.

“What even is private equity?” He asks, his knees turning with him in the seat has he turns to face her. 

She can feel the heat radiating off of his legs- lingering on the feeling of warmth and fighting the instinct to slink closer. “No one knows. I have yet to get anyone to actually explain it.”

“Hm.”

“Mmmhm.”

They sit, and drink in a comfortable silence for a while longer, before Camile breaks the silence, glancing over to the large mans frame and asking, “Why are you homeless?” For a moment, she fully expects the facade of weird friendship she's built to completely crumble. For her to have to run to the bathroom and lock herself in a stall until she can call the cops to arrest the freak sitting next to her. A murderer- someone who slaughtered people for money. Maybe an ex foreign agent- the accent hadn’t escaped her mind. Maybe just a sad, washed up junkie was a velvety tongue and biceps she was pretty sure could crush a cantaloupe-

“I’m not homeless. I’m just a bum.” 

She stares at him dumbfounded for a moment. “...What?”

“I have… Had a home. I can go home any time, but I can’t go back there.” He offers, the glass in his right hand fills the confusion in her head with the sound of ice clinking against glass.

“So… You have a home. A shower? You have a shower, and a tub, and a sink, and a washer where you could go… not reek?” She offers, eyes squinting. 

“I sneak back sometimes. If I'm really desperate. Sometimes I just sweet talk women into letting me into their homes for a S&S.” His smile has faltered, and his gaze is hard set on the bartop. Eyeing the grain of the polished wood as if it were holy words.

“S&S?” 

“Shag & Shower.” 

“You’re a dog.” She groans.

“Good dogs get bubble baths.” 

She makes a face crossed with surprise and disgust, and for a moment she’s no longer the bone tired advisor of a convoluted department with mister honey & ‘can you come in on the weekend and be a team player!’ she’s just… Camile.

“You… Sneak back into your own place?” She asks.

“It’s complicated.” He offers. “I haven’t been back there in months.”

Something goes unsaid for a moment. That he’s hiding, running from something and hoping the shadow doesn't catch up with him. She purses her lips before finishing off her drink and setting the cool glass down onto the coaster, watching as the condensation collects and rolls down the ridged glass. 

“Hm, well if I knew you were just a civilized person cosplaying as a bum for the brownie points I would’ve been more likely to offer you a shower and shave for that ridiculous thing you have on your face. Maybe even a dog bed in my living room if you're good.” 

She's focusing so hard on a bottle on the shelf, not daring to glance over and meet those horribly blue eyes. It’s a bottle of Titos. Good ol’ Titos. She can focus on the clear liquid and the very interesting writing as long as she doesn't break her neck trying to meet his gaze. 

She’s toeing a fine line. A dangerous line. Even though she knows this man she doesn't really know him. Doesn’t know who he is- what he’s done. There’s a reason he’s sleeping on park benches and surprising her from the bushes to drink long into the evening. There’s a reason he has a home and isn’t going back to it. The red flags are up, the alarms are blasting.

But she can’t seem to hear them, nor see them over the wonderful liquid continued in that Titos bottle.

“If I’m good?” She can hear the smirk in his voice, and she will not break. Will. Not. Will not glance over. 

A warm hand engulfs the width of her thigh and spins the chair to the side, and she’s no longer staring intently at the little logo on the glass bottle. She’s staring into blue eyes. Her throat is tight, and it takes a moment for her to swallow before nodding in agreement.

“Of course I’d be good for you, Miss Camile.” She swallows. 

“Then let me pay our tab, and I’ll take you home.”

As she stands, his hand slides up from her thigh, to her side, and up into the pocket of her jacket. Reaching in and pulling out the long end of one of her keys and dancing the chain. Fingers pinched on the end- hands so much larger than her own, making the keys seem like toys. 

“I’ll drive.” He adds. “You’re lookin’ like you’re feeling pretty good right now.”

“You’ve been drinking just as much as I-” “Switched to just soda after the first.”

His grin is shit eating, but she finds no malice in it.

She finds nothing but warmth and the sweet scent of syrup leading her onward. And a raging buzz.

[aestheticvoyage2023]

Day 279: Friday October 6, 2023 - "Friday Night Lights"

"What in the holy high school hell is happening in here?" she asked as she walked in and caught me - - playing video games.

The last video game that I really enjoyed was the Assassin's Creed game in the Revolution. I was really into that story and kept playing hours after it was done. Just thought that open concept world was so cool. And lately Ive been craving a good video game, spending a lot of time searching for a decent mac game or even trying a few really dumb things in the Apple Arcade before somehow this week I stumbled on the idea of cloud gaming - I don't need a console, I can just stream it like Hulu! I figured it out, ordered myself a bluetooth controller and waited for it to come (it did today) to finally launch into the only game that I really wanted to get at, the next in the AC series - this time as a Viking.

Now, in my defense here, I waited until after she had officially let me off the hook for bedtime before going to set it up. And I put it away, when she came to bed and was ready to connect. But when she told me how tired she was and how she just wanted to sleep at 9 after being up so early this morning in Providence, RI, I was all to happy to be a good flight attendant spouse and just step out, and close the door and go play some video games.

And oh how things have changed - when you needed an expensive console, and WIRES! to play games. Mama, look at me know. Laptop atop my stump, pulling wireless wifi to my plasma screened computer to play a video game with a controller also communicate via the air. I leaned back in my comfy chair here on the patio and thought I had really made it. This is perfect. Exactly what I need right now - an opportunity to unplug for a few hours and disassociate (in the healthiest way possible). Audrie got a couple more hours of unbothered unpressured sleep, and I got some time to myself to do something brainless. - which feels better for my nervous system than any medicine! And the game? Oh its really great. Im into it. This might be what Friday nights after Mama gets home from work look like for me this month.

Song: Shamanic Drum Healing

Quote: "When mind and soul are in unison, you will experience mental well-being." ~Sydne Banks

[mydetheturk]

it has been something like. eight or so hours. and i am still trying to figure out how the fuck my eye doctor lost my glasses frames???

like. ive been going to the same eye doctor every year for the last like, six years or something like that. they have never once fucked up this badly.

timeline of events, from my pov under the cut because it got way longer than i thought it would when i first started this.

i go to the eye doctor, having set up an appointment like normal (late because its been a weird summer)

everything goes well until the very end, at which point the computer crashes and loses the data.

annoying, but its fine, i just have to go back in the next day and do it all over again on a saturday while they're busy.

go in again the next day. they're busy as hell, so i am there significantly longer than planned, because i'd set up for a late timeslot on friday for a reason (nobody wants to go to the eye doctor at 6:15 on a friday. trust me. it's great its so dead then.)

go through everything over again, i get a huge discount because i had to go through the inconvenience of coming back to the eye doctor. this is the best news, actually, because i hadn't totally been sold on getting new glasses, but i needed them because my old pair literally make my migraines worse.

the first indication that something was wrong was the fact that they didn't have any trial pairs of the contacts i wear.

This would not cross my mind until i picked up the new contacts a week later when they came in.

I try the contacts. Nothing is properly in focus, and i just think to myself, "oh its just cause i have a new scrip, it's fine, I'll get used to them."

i did not, in fact, get used to them.

About a week later, when my glasses come in, i make a mention to the guy fitting them that the contacts don't seem to be right. he tells me i've got plenty of time to bring them back in, they've got policies for stuff like "wrong prescription"

y'all i went to a friend's house on the other side of town two days later and came home via the bypass in the dark and i couldn't read the highway signs.

that's how badly they fucked this up.

i give it to the end of the week to be sure. End of the first pair of contacts, since i wear biweekly ones.

i go in on friday like "hey. this does not work, when can you get me in?"

and the lady at the front desk was like "well we've got a slot open right now if you've got time"

"nope, i only have until the end of the hour because I'm on lunch from work and i don't have either the contacts or the glasses with me right now. got anything for after (time i got off work that day)?"

"the doctor leaves at (time i got off work), will one of these slots tomorrow work?"

set up the appointment for the next day; i've got my glasses and my contacts and the eye doctor put me through a series of eye tests i'd never actually done before, which was kind of cool.

he was like "if you could shift your bangs back that'd be great, actually, i can't tell if you're squinting or not."

and i was like "well i'm doing my best not to but no problem."

appointment went fantastic, he even had trial contacts for me to put in. i almost cried the difference was so stark between the old scrip and the new one. (turns out the old scrip was just off enough it was giving me low-level headaches constantly. fun! not.)

so i leave the old contacts and the glasses with them to get the lenses replaced and for my new contacts to be ordered. (i looked at the eye chart they sent home with me cause i wanted to see the difference in the prescriptions. there should not be a discrepancy of over a whole number between the two. per eye.)

i picked up the contacts last week.

and now.

today.

this morning, i get two (2) texts saying my orders are in and ready to be picked up. sweet, i think to myself. i'll go pick them up later, get myself a treat while i'm out. grab something for dinner, etc.

i get there and its dead because its been raining all day. fantastic! it shouldn't take long.

i go in.

they're dead.

i let them know i'm here to pick up my order.

here comes today's first confusion: the guy at the desk is having trouble finding my order. which. okay. not a problem (yet).

so i sit and wait and fiddle around on my phone for several minutes while the guy hunts for my glasses.

I am slowly growing more and more confused.

another guy starts helping him out.

the first guy finds a couple of doctor-style ziplock bags and asks me if i have my frames with me.

"Nnnnno. I left them with you guys two weeks ago. I was assuming when I came in, my frames would have new lenses."

I am very confused now.

the gentlemen go on the hunt for my frames.

several more minutes go by, and i am increasingly incredulous and more confused.

i think to myself "did they lose my fucking frames????"

the first guy is sent to the racks of frames to grab a pair of frames that look almost, but not quite, like one of the frames i left with them. blue instead of brown.

the guy goes back in with the frames and i am fully invested.

because.

it sure as hell looks like they lost my fucking frames.

y'all.

they lost my fucking frames.

they got ahold of the lady who's been so helpful basically every time i've seen her and they let me know the situation.

tomorrow, she's going to look into the situation for me. see if she can't find my frames, and if she can't, replace them. gonna call and let me know tomorrow what the deal is.

they offered to give me the blue frames until they could find the frames i'd gotten originally - from THERE, mind you - and i was like

"i don't need the glasses to see. i wear contacts most of the time. my glasses are backups."

so i wasted a solid 45 minutes at the eye doctor today and i'm sure i'll still have to go in tomorrow to talk to someone because they mentioned potentially having to re-order the glasses frames from another store if they couldn't find my glasses.

this was at like. 2:45 this afternoon.

i'm still just like how in the hell did you lose them????

spoke to my roommates earlier about it and they were BOTH like "you are having a shit time with your eyes this year huh?"

and its just like

YEAH. YEAH I AM, ACTUALLY. CAN I GET OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER NOW

just.

crhist alive