#ive never been able to feel comfortable abt it and i think i only in recent years realized why lol

[gramarye]

this is some lame ass linguistics major shit but considering how much i've had hammered in that language shapes your worldview (and i agree) i think why i've always felt personally Weird about english pronouns (and any gendered pronoun language but english particularly because obviously that's what I've had to use the most) is because both my native languages have gender neutral pronouns and i hate the thought of having to Pick One and have that define me, it doesn't feel natural (to me! in specific relation to me as a person!)

and i think when i was younger, like a teen, i was just frustrated with the idea of gendered pronouns in general, now i definitely understand why they're important for a lot of people and just like. the difference in culture and how you can't just Do Away With Them especially if you live in a place where gendered language is the norm and why it's important for identity to have people address you in a certain way. and in general you should just always respect peoples wishes Obviously

but i think that's why i genuinely feel like i just wanna be an Any Pronouns kinda person i think my brain just genuinely doesn't comprehend myself like that and i really don't care about it. like which one you use for me doesn't really matter because it is just A Pronoun to me because there is just one in both my native languages and so i don't really think myself of like that. does this make sense. like i really don't care if you use exclusively she/her or he/him or they/them or change them or literally whatever. its cool

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings

[cumulo-stratus]

BAU autism headcannons

(GIF NOT MINE)

(male reader)

CW: possible swearing, mentions of meltdowns and overstimulation, lemme know if theres anything else!

A/N: sry i havent rly posted in a while, i started a school recently and its been a rly big change for me so ive just been emotionally/mentally exhausted like all the time, but i dont wanna abandon u guys so i decided i would get something up, even if its not super good, thanks for y’all’s understanding <3

i think both JJ and Emily would become sort of mothers to reader

(not that they werent already mothers to the rest of the team but reader especially)

like JJ would totally have a motherly instinct for readers needs (like a sort of spider sense)

like if your ever nervous about something being too much or being overwhelming, jj would kinds know this and either make arrangements for accommodations or make sure you know you dont have to go if you want to.

and like she definitely wold put herself in charge of keeping your safe foods stashed on the jet and at the office

emily is more of a mother in a protective way than jj is

like this girl will not hesitate at all to go off on someone for maybe being disrespected to about stimming your chair while thinking

or like if you dont want to shake a police officers hand when your being introduced, and you get dirty/weird looks for it, or anyone comments on it? BOOM this girl will stare at them with so much animosity they’ll be scared of her shes so hot oml

anyways i thinks he team would be super accepting of you, especially if you joined after reid like they would already have some experience with autism

and like if you weren’t ent comfortable telling anyone other than hotch(i feel like it would be like a in ur file thing idk how the government works tho) spencer would defo be able to tell and confront u privately abt it (our respectful king <3)

and if you are comfortable telling the team, everyone would be respectful

i think like rossi/gideon would be a little clueless but like trying their hardest

like rossi would have no idea what stimming is but understands that like you move in certain ways or make certain noises when ur excited

and like with all his money he wouldnt hesitate to spoil u with any fidget toy u need/want or like a rly nice weighted blanket (its insane how expensive those things are)

and like gideon despite his profound understanding of others (hope yall got that ;)) he wouldn’ t get why sometimes you dont feel like/cant talk but totally respects it

omg garcia is our autism ally QUEEN im telling you

always has a big basket of fidgets/stim toys sitting on her desk and when your having a rough day shell leave you a little goodie in a brightly colored and decorated bag

i firmly believe that she is the queen at finding brands with clothes that not only fits your style perfectly but is also sensory friendly

i think she would definitely say that if she never ended up working in the FBI she wouldve started a clothing shop for sensory friendly clothing/accessories

spencer would totallllyyyy be your best friend when it comes to being under-stimulated

he will totally info dump on you and vice-versa

spencer (like penlope) would totally recommend clothing brands that are sensory friendly, but sock brands in particular

and everyone makes fun of you for nerding out over everything

also spencer would definitely get in the habit of grabbing your hands in his when you start to pick a t your nails and cuticles

like he didnt even realize what he was doing the first time but now he does it without thinking about it and for the team its normal

“hey,” and he would gently grab your hands to stop you from picking at them

“sorry..”

”youve nothing to be sorry for” (with that little reid smile oml rf[osifjgturhv)

and i also firmly believe that morgan is the best people to go to if your having a meltdown

he would stop you from harmfully stimming

“hey sugar, unclench those pretty little hands for me. there we go… good job kid.” he would have the softest smile and voice

and when he takes your hands to stop you from hitting yourself his grip is rly firm but gentle

but hotch is the best to go to for when your overstimulated

like he would make sure you know his office is always a quiet place you can go to with out questions

and he would secretly have a stash of like stimm toys in his office that he stole from garcia

his couch is always open to you, especially like late at night if you are really tired his fatherly instincts will kick in and force you to come to his office for a break

he would would hand you and blanket and a stim toy

”sit. sleep”

thats all he would say in his cute little stern but actually caring voice <3

[astroels]

hey, i just wanna make sure this will be okay with you! i wanna send in a request where the reader has HEAVY symptoms of/like borderline personality disorder and farmhouse!ellie helps and understands, etc!! because ive shown ALOT of symptoms of it, but i haven’t been able to go to doctors about it :( i am totally down with helping you with this request (only if you are comfortable doing this!)

(anyone who’s sees this, pls DONT take offense to this and please don’t have a go at me (cause it won’t end well, & obviously, it will just send me in to a deeper and darker hole, that im already in!!) and to this kind human who’s writing this!! just be kind, im currently experiencing this for such a long ass time now and it’s such a tough battle, and it’s a heavy and deep journey).

here’s some topics i can help with:

(this is what i experience personally)

- splitting // seeing someone or something (like a situation) either good or bad, it can NEVER be seen in between). this makes asking for advice or reading someone or the situation to be dealt with A LOT more harder… cause i only want one answer, it can be in the middle. it MUST be a yes or no, i hope that makes sense?

- dissociation // feeling disconnected with your senses, can’t tell which is which and it’s incredibly hard to snap out of it.

- heavy feelings of emptiness // having a lack of purpose in general, it’s irritating when you can’t properly and very physically feel your intense emotions :(

- fear of abandonment // scared of ending up alone, just like what ellie said (that’s what ellie and reader can bond over w? or understand about the reader).

- emotional instability - disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" impulsive behaviour. intense but unstable relationships with others.

- paranoid ideation // when im constantly scared or suspicious being secretly followed, plotted against, always in a constant state of deep anxiety.

- unstable/intense relationship // with me experiencing such intense emotions, etc. this can creat so much short, unstable and intense relationships with anyone i come across in life. // the readers first actual long healthy loving relationship with ellie is her first :(

- sh behaviors… (pls dont do this, if this triggers you)

could you possibly add in about ellies drawings/journal about the reader and bpd… to help her understand and help around the farmhouse for the reader. ellie and tlou helps me so much in so many ways. (abt me and my mind) bc i feel like her drawing about reader and the symptoms/memories of ellie being here can help me so much :)

𝐄𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐦𝐬 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

a/n: I tried to touch on topics that you mentioned and with information I'm aware of since I have a friend with bpd, if anyone has a problem with this, do let me know, I am in no means writing this to be disrespectful or stereotypical, I just hope someone is able to find comfort in this :)

cw: arguments, mentions of sh (i will mark when it shows up), joel is dead in this (sorry joel)

apocalyptic!au

At first, having to hide your disorder from Ellie was a struggle. There was an intense fear that came with the idea that Ellie would back off as soon as she found out it. It was hard enough to mask the feeling, and even harder when you felt the symptoms that ruined previous relationships ooze into your current one with Ellie. Eventually, you just couldn't hide it anymore. You had to be honest even if rejection was a likely path.

"Ellie, I really need to talk to you." It'd come out in a burst of impulsiveness, no longer being able to keep it from her. From where you were laying on her lap, you'd straighten, looked down, besides her, anywhere where you didn't have to face her.

"What's up?" She'd be looking at you intently, with the shine in her eyes that showed she was curious as to what was to come and her voice gentle, as she naturally was with you.

"I really can't hold it together anymore, I struggle." You paused, didn't everyone? The words felt thick in your throat. You continued after cleaning your throat. "Mentally, 'm pretty sure it's borderline personality disorder, and theres no way to help it." Ellie stared at you, expressionless, waiting for you to continue. "It's always been there, before you, these past few weeks, and when I'm alone. I feel so trapped, Ellie." Everything you said came out rushed, in raspiness, in choked sobs that this was the end of a relationship that could've been something better in your life. "I'm not okay and I'm probably not something you want to deal with." You didn't think she wanted more baggage in this already ruined world.

Ellie didn't speak. Were you too honest? Were you too blunt? Too clingy in such a short time? What was wrong with you? A second passed by with you left in thought. "Oh, baby." Ellie pulled you in, letting you breathe in the slight dirt scent that lingered on her shirt.

She held you for awhile, allowing your tears to ease into falters before speaking again. She pulled away, her hands on your cheek, wiping the last of your tears. "You've never felt like someone I've had to deal with. Disorder or not, I'm going to stay with you, okay?"

Incredible doubt still filled your mind, her words seeming to just sink into you and not touch where it mattered. "What if you realize I'm not worth it? What if you leave? I can't handle that Ellie." You said in almost a whisper, her love was too good to be true, everyone always left when they found out the reality of your behaviors and emotions.

"You're worth more than you realize, baby. I promise you, as long as you need me, I'll always need you. We're going to do this and learn together." She'd caress your cheek, calming you with the sensation of her touch. "And besides, I'm just as scared of losing you." She'd give you a slight smile followed by a kiss on the cheek to lighten the mood. Ellie wouldn't dare make you feel like something she'd have to "deal" with. After your first mention, she picked up books from Jackson to further look into it.

Even if you knew the farm was strayed away from any communities, and it was very unlikely that any infected would stray towards the farm, the anxiety swelled up in you. It was so easy to lose Ellie and everything you've grown together, just by a simple mistake of overestimating your safety. It happened often when you'd hear a noise at night and couldn't sleep, saw something move quickly in the corner of your eye, or even when Ellie was gone for too long. Your fear would turn into forms of skin picking and eventually lead into panics that induced loss of breath and worry. Ellie, of course, did her best to help you through these panics.

You hated bothering Ellie with how you felt, but you promised her you'd be more open and try to be communicative instead of shutting off when something was happening. You kept hearing it, the clicking noise that was going to cause your death any second now.

"Ellie," you whispered, rocking her arm a bit to wake her. Her eyebrows slightly furrowed in sudden wake. Her green eyes looked pretty hazy, but she quickly rose when she saw the shakiness your body was in.

" 's the noise again, baby?" She leaned to her side to pick up her glass of water, offering it to you. Supposedly, fresh water was supposed to cool the body, along with the scent of herbs. Ellie had you trying natural supplements while she found a trader who had medication. All you could form was a simple nod after you drank from her water, your throat burning from anxiousness.

That was all Ellie needed to understand what to do. It'd happened before, and she was glad you woke her up this time. Ellie scootched closer to you, allowing your head to fall on her lap. There was no way to block the noise but to fill the silence.

Ellie took it upon herself to play with your hair, leaving tingles all across your head, and singing for you, songs she created, songs she found, songs Joel had sang for her. She filled the room with her voice to block the outside noises that burdened their mark in your mind. " 's gonna be okay, baby." Her sensation eventually soothed you. Even on rough nights, she didn't give up on helping you.

With BPD, there were empty days, days where you couldn't reciprocate anything, days where everything seemed challenging, it wasn't something you felt you could do. Completing any farm task became a haze. You mentally weren't present in the day. The things you could do seemed to be done messily, which made your helplessness feel even worse.

You knew it was time to get up, time to water the plants, fetch the clothing from the line, and prepare lunch, but you couldn't. If you tried in a state like this, everything would go bad and end up sending you into spiral. Ellie's words passed through your mind. " 'ts alright babe, only do what you can, when you can." She made sure to tell you it was okay, but you still felt useless tucked into bed while she was out hunting and fetching things from Jackson.

You decided to go downstairs and start on some laundry. It's the least you could do to stay organized at such a time. Ellie had been gone for a while now, the hallow feeling inside you carved deeper each moment you felt the absence of her. She couldn't fix you, but the knowledge that she was around made it the tiniest bit better.

A load of laundry was done when you decided to just get back in bed. There was no use fighting what was inevitable. Time passed as if you were watching a train, you weren't moving, but time surely was. You spent the rest of the day wating for Ellie, growing impatient in the increasing grayness.

While looking at the window, the sound of a door rattling burst your train of thought. Ellie's voice of letting you know she was home was faint. Would she notice that today was an off day? Would she be as caring as the other days? You heard her making her way upstairs momentarily.

The moment she walked in, she glanced at you and spoke with a gentle tone, pushing you into a cloud. "Hey baby, how're 'y holding up?" She continued around the room to change, leaving herself in a tank top and pj shorts. Your silence spoke volumes, you just couldn't respond. Your voice didn't want to be heard, it felt trapped in your throat. You nodded at her, making eye contact as reassurance you weren't mad, just drained.

Ellie grew understanding of these times, whether they lasted for days to weeks, she was there. She got into bed with you, seeking your warmth for a little while before she had to make dinner. She knew you didn't take care of yourself properly these days, so it was most obvious that she'd be right at your service, asked or not.

Arguments were not a likely thing to happen, but that didn't remove the possibility of it. Sometimes, you just couldn't help the feelings that bubbled up and were unstoppable. It came from stress, irritation, or just something Ellie said that sounded off putting. This part was the hardest for Ellie to communicate through, as she has her own communication issues; However both of you shared a fear factor of being abandoned. This alone gave the courage to work through the outbursts. Hard to handle, but ultimately manageable. (Tw for sh starts here, head to next section to skip)

Ellie had traded some time ago for pills, they were supposed to stabilize your mood, they really just made you unable to think as much and light headed. It wasn't the best medication, but it's as far as a post-apocalyptic world could provide. At first you took them daily as suggested, but when you learned Ellie had given one of her knives joel had crafted before he died, immense guilt filled you everytime you took one or even looked at them. The thought Ellie gave up something so special for you, made you nauseous.

In guilt of her action, you "forgot" to take them for several days, possible weeks. You thought if you were less dependent on them, Ellie wouldn't have to trade something like that again. What didn't cross your mind was Ellie noticing the difference of you on and off the meds. She noticed the way your irritation and mood swings became intense, noticed the way you pushed her away more often. The truth would come crashing down once the both of you made a wrong tone.

You were putting away dishes when Ellie approached you. "Tommys' invited me over tomorrow, said he's gonna talk to me about something." You usually wouldn't be annoyed at Ellie's absence but she'd hardly been home all week and you felt discarded. "Okay." Was all you could form in a rude tone. The actions of you putting away the glasses became unconsciously harsher. "Okay?" Ellie eyed you. You gave her a look and continued with the dishes.

The silence rung in your ear, you felt hot, the warmth crawling up your neck. Before you realized, a glass shatterd on the floor and made you wince. You cursed under your breathe while Ellie spoke out. "What the fuck is up with you?" Her eyebrows were furrowed and her tone was slightly impatient. "Nothins' up." You made your way to the kitchen doorway to grab a broom. "Look, I can't be doing this." You heard Ellie sigh. "You're gonna have to speak up." You hated the way your heart felt so heavy, you didn't want to "speak up", you wanted everything to end already.

You turned to look at her. "I know about the pills, Ellie." Ellie looked like she had an arrow of shock hit her. You continued to speak after a moment. "I don't want to take them if it means you'll be sacrificing things like that."

Ellie was biting the inside of her cheek, her face looking frustrated above anything. "I don't want to exhaust you any longer, I can't do it to you, Ellie." You stared at her for any signs of reading how she felt. No effort could ever tell you what she was thinking. "What's done is done, just take the fucking pills." Her tone seemed increasingly harsh. "No, Ellie, I don't want to burden you any longer."

"You've already become a fucking burden, 's too late to worry about that now." Your heart dropped. Out of everything she could've said, you never thought it'd come to that. You could tell she regretted it by the way she gasped and immediately started attempting to apologize, but you couldn't anymore. You had already began to run up the stairs into the bathroom, your mind ringing with her words. If you were a burden, it'd be better to stay in there and rot away.

You were left alone in the bathroom with your thoughts, alone with your hidden "safety" kit, if you could call a box that held such a harmful purpose, safe. But it's okay because this never left you, this was always there for you. It would just be this time you told yourself; you needed the comfort.

You knew how to clean up well, the only way Ellie would notice is if she really looked. She would probably check, considering she knew your destructive behavior. You wish you could feel pity over yourself for relapsing, but it just felt so numbing, It took no effect.

A sudden knock frightened you as you scrambled to put away all your materials. "Baby, will you please come out." You didn't know how to respond. Now that she was here, you knew how disappointed she'd be about what you did. Not telling her wasn't an option, you'd feel like a liar. "You're not a burden babe, I promise you you're not." She sounded stuffy as if she'd been crying. You couldn't ignore her for long, simply unlocking the door as an invitation.

Ellie quickly opened the door and brought you into a hug. You didn't hug back, but she understood. You stood there wondering if she'd hate you. Would she finally let you go? No, you couldn't keep doing this to yourself. You let yourself sink in her arms, crying. Her words are the last thing you remembered for the next days that passed like a fever dream. "I love you, my angel."

You never understood how quickly Ellie was able to adapt to your mania and depressive episodes. It was quite a lot to deal with and retain. You never understood until you found her journal she'd left out. You were cleaning up the table as your eyes found their way to her open words and drawings. She had thoughts, lists, notes about what was okay, not okay, what helped you, what hadn't. It was awfully sweet, she really cared and it showed. You didn't know how you manged to make her your girlfriend, her beauty and love always made your heart flutter.

Ellie once asked you to be the star of her nude drawing, as hesitant as you were, you trusted her with all your insecurities. She never showed you the drawing though, not until you came across it yourself. She portrayed your body lovingly, the curves of your skin rolled naturally, your stretch marks defining the growth you've gone through, your scars drawn fluidly. Did she really picture you like this? Did she really think you were this worth drawing for? Your heart felt warm, knowing this was how she thought of you.

The other drawings were full of you doing activities, playing with a stray cat that lingered your farm for a few months, watering the plants, petting the sheep, dancing with music, and laying on the grass. Every moment you could picture with her was sketched right in front of you.

Along the pages, there were separate sections that divided different things about your bpd.

What makes it worse

Being too touchy when she's irritated

The smell of cinnamon (oddly specific)

The pink pills

When a straight answer isn't given

What helps

Occasional weed usage (don't overuse !!)

Baths (most of the time)

The texture of her favorite sweater ( W symbol)

Treating her gentle (not too gentle)

Things to mention (that might help)

The new pill

Herbs for sleeping tea

New hobbies

Music record I found

Chore separation (on a normal day)

E- Herding sheep, hunting, fetching supplies, organizing imports

R- washing clothes, watering plants, hunting, feeding sheep

Both- Making food, cleaning, looking out for infected

surprise plans

Candlelit picnic dinner while watching meteor shower (Wednesday)

sensual massage ;)

bath with the relaxant oils I found

dancing to the record she liked but we broke (found another)

giving her the ring

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hey ari!!! hope ur doing super well <33 i dropped by to ask u a few things…….

let me know whenever u find the time to read my gojo fic… i made a few revisions over time and i’d rlly love to hear ur thoughts o valued gojo lover ;; its become very important to me , but no pressure :33

AND. need ur most brainrotting thoughts about sashishu por favor. for. research. yeah… research 🙇‍♂️

riko !!!! i hope ur doing super super well urself, im doing just fine <33 trying to finish this fic im writing so i can (hopefully) post it today pshjdh BUT its going good so far !!

i know i alr said it but !! i am so so excited to read ur gojo fic !! if i dont have time today then i will tmrw 🙏🙏 cant wait to rb it w a huge rant i took a lil peek at it n i can already tell its gonna be so good….

AND RIKO. tysm i appreciate u like no other, ive been waiting for a chance to rant abt my Absolute Beloveds……… this might get long im sorry but sashisu make me. genuinely insane

OK SO. just generally speaking…… to me, the biggest sashisu appeal is just. how grounded they are. to me. i feel like both jjk trios are very realistic but in different ways!!

like. the 2018 trio are just !! good friends and they care for each other and they have fun together. AND most importantly; they can be open w each other !! like all three of them are a lillll closed off and obviously traumatized but they can still be sincere with one another. yuji talks openly w both megumi and nobara, megumi’s whole arc revolves around him getting comfortable with the idea of leaning on others and being saved by others, and nobara’s whole character hinges on her just being unabashedly herself.

AND I LOVE THEM i really do but sashisu r just so….. different and also similar and they feel so real to me even though theyre all insane in the head.

because contrary to the 2018 trio, theyre all sort of. Cunts pshjdhd. LIKE. high school satoru is a brat and he thinks he can make friends by being a bully and hes kind despite that but hes also sooo infuriating, and suguru acts like hes better but hes rly not. theyre both assholes. same w shoko!! shes literally out here casually underage smoking and all three of them get in trouble n then blame it on each other n its just…. theyre just so fun. they bully each other but u can TELL theres love there.

and the greatest difference between the 2018 and 2006trio is that the former can be open with each other, but the latter cant. sashisu are doomed as a trio because theyre all so closed off and traumatized and repressed and they will never be as sincere with each other as yuji/megumi/nobara are.

and to me, thats the main reason why suguru defects !! not that its their fault, but the fact that they didnt notice — or maybe the fact that they DID notice but didnt know how to broach the subject — is the one factor that makes his defection almost unavoidable to me. because his best friends, his most loved people, were never the type to be vulnerable like that. and neither was he !!

theyre just so DOOMED riko….. suguru couldnt open his heart to satoru or shoko, satoru didnt notice suguru’s silence bc he was too busy making himself strong enough to protect them, and we dont know how shoko felt but she obviously didnt do anything even if she did notice smth was off. neither of them saw how much suguru was suffering, and suguru was extremely depressed and isolated and never once gave them the chance to help him.

the three of them just werent the type to have heartfelt conversations in the same way the other trio does, and i think sashisu just… figured they didnt need to. that they had that bond together and that it would always be enough. bc all three of them have these incredible powers that make them isolated and kind of miserable, but they were able to be kids only when they were together. during that one year, they got to feel that slice of normalcy and genuine friendship.

and then they lost it !! and shoko and satoru both regret it !!! and they were never able to hate suguru, and he was never able to hate them, even at the very end !!! and the thing that always breaks me is that its just so, so evident that they all loved each other. but it wasnt enough !! and i think thats such a …. grounded and real depiction of how it can be to love someone who’s ill, or traumatized, while you yourself are ill or traumatized. and you might love each other, and it might still not be enough. but the fact that the love was there still matters.

they were three child soldiers who only found comfort in each other, and they all crumbled under the weight of the world but even at the very end they still loved each other.

and for sashisu, that love never disappeared — both shoko and satoru became more responsible after suguru left, and together theyre able to protect so many of the students and their coworkers. and theyre still traumatized and arguably even MORE repressed but the two of them still stick together, and theres a comfort in knowing theyll always have that. (im ignoring the current manga arc its not canon to me idc)

THIS IS ALREADY SO LOONNGG i just. i ADORE them. theyre so good. but !! if we’re moving past just general analysis of them then !! i love to think abt…. sashisu x reader……. maybe one day ill finish my sss x reader series psjdjdj but !!!

i just think itd be such a fun n comfortable dynamic ?? bc they all complete each other in a way…. satoru is just kinda hyper n cuddly n sweet, n suguru is calm and teasing n warm…. and shoko is so chill but also so caring and . i Need them. all of them r so gorgeous i would fall to my knees and cry if i just saw them relaxing by the couch.

i feel like a reader dynamic w them would just be the four of u living together and spending the rest of ur lives doing the same things u did in high school….. going to karaoke n getting in trouble and eating food . etc etc. maybe getting a couple cats…. and a bunch of plants that would all die if it werent for suguru pshjdjs.

in conclusion they make me feel ill <3

(also riko…. pls read the pink lighter by nosferatui, its a sashisu fix-it time travel fic and its one of my favorites ever !! i still havent finished it but its complete and it genuinely changed my life the writing is so good it hurts)

[coyote-kiddo]

i was re-tagging some of my old posts and found this, so i figured i'd re-do it!!! (all at once because i do NOT have the memory to do it over 30 days)

i found petdre first via the aesthetic "babycore", and then slowly got more and more into agedre!! i also found out a while later that i had been involuntarily age regressing for years and hadnt noticed

my age when im small is kinda hard to pinpoint, but i would say somewhere between 3-5 most of the time!!

i dont have one, and i dont plan on getting one until im an adult (for safety purposes), but i have a few fictional cgs!! (stolas, toriel, and alastor are my biggest ones :3)

hm, i would say a day with one of my fictional cgs!! getting to play with the toys ive been wanting, color and draw, wear clothes that feel comfortable on my body, use teethers, bottles, diaps and pacis and watch my favorite shows without being judged or being embarrassed abt it :3 plus a nice warm bubble bath, baba of warm almond milk and a lullaby before bed!!

i have loads of sippies, a few bottles, a few teethers, a paci and one disposable diap as of right now, but i really really want a babyyourdoll classic round paci!! and also pull ups, mostly js for comfort :33 i would also like more silicon teethers bc they feel nicer than gel/water teethers heheh

i pet dream occasionally, not as often as i used to but still occasionally!! i petdre to an afghan hound, a kitty, a fox, and im considering trying wolf pup, fruit/vampire bat and deer :3

when i age dream, im not too much different from when im big bc my headspace doesnt change as much- im just a bit more childish and less embarrassed about stuff!! regressed me is wayy different though bc my regression is almost always negative- im typically more emotional, childish, clingy, and annoying.

i prefer drawing!!! i like to color also but drawing just feels so freeing to me :3

my moots!!! too shy to tag but i love them sm /p /gen

regression is almost always invol for me because of anxiety and trauma, its also usually negative which is kinda sucky

yepp!!

not that i can remember, ive used regression gear in dreams before but never regressed

this one is kinda tricky- im gonna say probably either apple slice or salteens!! i also really love juice, chocolate, graham crackers and cheese and crackers :3

yes!! i never really grew out of them, even before i started to age dream ive collected them :3

just my stepmom and my dad, i dont really think they remember though

bubs, kiddo, buddy, and little guy are my favs!! masc nicknames are sooo gender affirming to me as a fem-presenting trans man :,3

my regression is usually negative and involuntary, but nothing usually makes me "instantly regress"- its kinda a coin flip- but something that makes me feel smaller when i age dream is fuzzy socks!!

nope 😭 even if im able to buckle down and have small time after ive been involuntarily regressed it just kinda fades away

its okay, i cant really speak on it much bc i have most people i dont feel comfortable with blocked and i dont have any other socials. though i do hate when people stereotype and gatekeep it, or water it down to "fem, pastel, cute way of coping for skinny white girls only"

not a lot, but if i stumble upon one in the tags i might read it :3c

yeah, but i dont really feel comfortable being tickled

stolas goetia from helluva boss!!!! he is literally my dada guys /silly

my preference changes constantly, but it would definitely have a crib that can be converted into a toddler/big kid bed w a canopy and mobile, a sensory tent, a bouncer, a play area and a deer rocker!!!

not really, it makes it harder for me to stay small sometimes

i regress because of trauma and anxiety, i age dream as a coping mechanism for stress, gender dysphoria and missing out on my childhood :3

i almost always have to be listening to music when small, regressed or age dreaming, and my music taste jus kinda stays the same

just boundaries i set for myself- dont intentionally seek out my triggers, dont stay up too late, eat when im hungry, etc

when i regress, i get very very clingy and sad and scared, so i come off as very needy and kinda annoying (+ blunt because i kinda forget how social rules work), when i age dream im basically the same as when im big, just gigglier and more childish

maybe!! i havent tried out caregiving before but i would like to!!

im in the process of learning italian, so i sometimes watch kids' shows in italian to help practice and to make myself feel smaller!!

[wonder2realities]

You never mentioned you were disabled in your original reply to that ask. It’s also not on your pinned post. How in the world were they supposed to know that the response came from a disabled person? And before you say you’ve mentioned it on your blog before (which I have no idea if you have or not) how do you know they would have seen it? They most likely found your response through the notes on the ask post. And just FYI, you can educate someone without calling them “icky” or degrading them in any manner. They asked if the way they thought was bad, you could have said yes and explained why instead of calling them icky and assuming they would know your disabled. At the end of the day it’s just a damn opinion on the matter. Opinion is not fact just because it came from someone in the group in question.

so much to unpack this is insane im losing my mind this is gonna be a long ass response

op was geniune, i gave my opinion saying its a bit icky - thats not degrading??? i never called them an ableist, never said they were an awful person, i said in my opinion i think its icky - i didnt even direct it towards the person. i never said "youre an awful person for doing that." - i literally said "its moreso the fact that scripting out disabilities is icky"...

please point to the degrading. point to the meanness and evilness, the harshness...point to it. unless the person who originally made the ask to that confessions acc wants to come into my dms or my inbox and say they were personally offended, i really dont see how it could be degrading. maybe its the alexithymia but i dont see it, i dont get it.

ive talked abt being disabled on this blog frequently, literally i make a blog at least once a week talking abt being autistic : even if they were unable to find that out and assumed i was not disabled then they can simply take my opinion as something else i wouldnt care as much about that however i literally MENTIONED THAT YOU CAN SEARCH UP AND ASK DISABLED PEOPLE AND LOOK INTO SIMILAR DISCOURSE because then youd be able to see it from different perspectives as the term disabled is a large umbrella term. so i not only said my opinion as a disabled person who has frequently talked abt being autistic and has literally made blogs talking abt keeping my disabilities in my drs but i also gave advice on where to find other perspectives that will go more into detail of why disabled people dont feel comfortable with the whole "heal everyone!! we're gonna heal all disabilities to save them!!" mindset.

you have no right to say whether an opinion is a "fact" or not when your opinion on the topic is automatically invalid because you arent disabled - dont try to pull that shit on me when you know for a fact that being disabled means that id have more of an understanding on the social aspect of what its like to be disabled...because i experience it and i wont let any ablebodied person or any neurotypical person try to speak over me on that. also, ive mentioned im autistic AND have physical disabilities multiple times on here - even if its not mentioned in my original post i quite literally said if youre confused you can look into discourse regarding the whole "disabled people cant be in fantasy because fantasy = utopia which = everyone being healthy" thing because there are disabled people who have talked abt this multiple times and in my eyes there are similarities to that and the idea of scripting out disabled people because they have similar reasons.

also if youre who i think you are aka the person who deactivated the second i responded : if youre able to go that far into my blog to find a post where i said i was gonna go on a social media detox - you wouldve been able to find a post on me talking abt being autistic because i literally made a post a FEW DAYS AGO talking abt being a blk autistic.

^ incase u dont believe me for whatever reason, this was literally 2 days ago.

also im not an educator never claimed to eductae the person i gave an opinion - it is not my job to educate people. you are twisting a small paragraph of me saying "scripting out disabilities is a bit icky" into me being this harsh and awful person because i...didnt write an essay educating the person when i never claimed to educate them in the first place????

and again, i never attacked op the only person i attacked (which could be u if ure that account but im too lazy to do the whole "finding out whos behind the anon ask" thing) was the person who randomly responded to me, went through my entire blog to find a post of me saying i deleted twt for a social media detox and painted it as if im this limited person who "doesnt believe shifting is limitless and has a bad mindset" (which is insane???)

so to conclude this

speaking over disabled people where someone is asking disabled people for their opinion is weird. dont come into my inbox with this weird shit, unless its an apology because this is slowly creeping into ableism territory (before u even try to argue that its not - downplaying a disabled persons opinion on a topic that revolves around being disabled and speaking over them to then try to disregard their opinion being going "just because youre apart of a group doesnt mean your opinion is a fact" is insane. that is insane. call me crazy, idc thats insane.)

[aviangrian]

ahhh i just wanted to say i love starboy SOOO much!!!! i did not/still dont know anything about f1 but the way you write it is so easy to follow along with and read!!! i love how you write the characters, especially scar/grian/joel/lizzie, you write them so so sooo flawlessly... i love how it seems like were there with scar in the moment of everything going on and how you describe everything from his perspective. i also LOVE how you write scar and grian especially because they both seem just so *real* and *raw* and i usually never see that from fics. the way you write is just so in detail that it really allows the reader to imagine everything thats happening and i LOVEEE that!!! i also love how you write grian and mumbos friendship, like they obviously care about each other so muchhh and i love how the readers able to see that even through scars perspective!!!!! esp the scene after grian fell asleep watching topgun and mumbo helping him lay down into a more comfortable position,,, and how they hugged when grian finally got p1 😭😭❤️ NOT TO MENTION THE LATEST CHAPTERRRR AND SCAR AND GRIANS FIRST KISS????? THAT WHOLE CHAPTER WAS GOLDDDD i loved that chapter so much,,, so much happened between grian and scar???? that scene of them in the club??? scar (and us) finally getting some insight to what happened in grians past from grian himself??? grian being comfortable enough with scar to actually open up to him??? AND THEM CONFESSINGGG??? ☹️☹️☹️❤️❤️❤️ might be my fav chapter if im being honest

i also just wanted to ask a few questions while i was here though;

first, do you have a set upload schedule? or is it like a whenever you have time to work on it thing?

second, do you think youll be posting more content abt this au after starboy is finished? like a grians pov or something? ive become so interested in this au because i can tell so much work has been put into it and id love to see more it!!

lastly, is this going to be an eventual mumscarian fic??? i think its obvious Somethings going on/has happened between grian and mumbo but i just dont know What... like that one scene with them all at the dinner??? or the car scene with grian standing up through the sunroof???

i cant wait to read more chapters!!! but im also scared As Hell because SO much has happened already and its only been 6 chapters. we still have 5 more longgg chapters left and im so scared but also excited for how things are going to go... i hope youre having a good day, i cant wait to see what you have in store for this story!!! 🫶🫶 sawrry that this was a lot of rambling though,,, 😭😭❤️

anon i’m crying?? 😭 thank you so much.

the goal of the fic is real and raw! it’s an unusual setting (maybe not for me considering this is my second racing centric fic) but everything that happens is a product of the environment! the wins from his own team left scar feeling bitter at times, but watching grian win had him so proud he knew he’d get in trouble w his own team if he showed it lol. it’s all about where they are and it makes me sooo happy (like you would not believe) when people who aren’t f1/sports fan still enjoy the fic!

last ch was a lot and contained a lot of really vital stuff that i couldn’t wait to see the reactions of. grian finally opening up is so important to me and scar letting it happen in its own time is a huge part of why grian begins letting him in, which is evidently not something he’s used to at all. mans has been through it in this universe

as for the questions: i don’t have an upload schedule but i try to churn out the chs when i have time. it fits that valentine’s was right before midterms season for me so i got to get something out before i get swamped by all that 🥲 i don’t like to let a full month go by without posting but we’ll see how my semester keeps going lol

and i’ve been thinking of content once i’ve finished starboy. i’ve had ideas of grian’s pov hitting all the major plot points or even a jimmy spin-off one shot but nothing is planned for now. definitely floating around in my mind

mumscarian is not the endgame but the mystery behind grian and mumbo will be revealed! grian is mysterious and mumbo being mumbo goes along w it, but it does come full circle eventually!

i didn’t even realize there’s already only 5 chs left! that’s crazy, considering how much of the story i have left!

thank you again anon, this is all very much appreciated. i love your rambling because it allowed me to ramble too haha

[yandere-daydreams]

as a heterosexual female, i have questioned my sexuality several times in the past but i dont anymore, mainly thought i mightve been bisexual cuz i was confused on whether i like my female friends or not, but like...i realized that i just like the idea of being with very close with a female friend and doing everything together but not actually having anything sexual or romantic involved thats when i realized i was just heterosexual,i get intense waves of emotion where im like omg I LOVE SO MUCH this friend they r so good im so glad they exist,plus im just alooott more comfortable with girls like idfk how to speak to men i swear to god,all that helped with my confusion at the time, i have a question, do lesbians joke abt getting married to rlly close friends and having sex or is that just something that does not happen, cuz i do it with my friends as a joke between us, i feel i would never be able to do it if i was a lesbian,id be misunderstood immediately, like im wondering if closeness with female friends has "limits" suddenly if u are lesbian or not, if dumb question just ignore ive just never had lesbian friend and genuinely curious

i do feel like it's a cruel turn of fate that the gender you're attracted to is also the gender that's the fucking hardest to actually,,, talk to, but y'know, thus is life. i think it's super easy to mistake platonic closeness for romantic attraction, too, which is just,,, so incredibly fun, because everything has to be as difficult as possible all the time.

also, to answer your question: i don't think so? there are certain limits (i probably wouldn't joke about fucking my friends under most circumstances, but that might just be a personal preference), but it's nothing extreme. i think it helps that it's actually really hard to like someone you know isn't going to like you back, so it's really fucking difficult to have any romantic tension with your straight friends (despite what most gay misery porn would have you believe). like, i think i've kissed more straight girls than lesbians, and it's only ever felt like making out with a brick wall. then again, i don't have a lot of straight friends, and the ones i do have a fruit-tinted in their own special ways, so i might not be the best person to give their opinion. either way, make out with your friends. it's a good time.

[oh-katsuki]

cw: christianity and catholicism, mentions of suicide, im honestly just talking abt the christian church’s stance on suicide because I honestly cannot fathom it

anyway don’t read this if ur not interested in me talking abt this. it’s rly quite boring but I had a thought in the shower that reminded me of this so… ya know

i wanna preface this by saying that I mean no disrespect to those who practice or following christianity or catholicism. im not trying to shit on anyones religion bc I am a firm believer in practicing what you practice. I’m just kind of thinking out loud here. I’m also aware that this might not be true in all of the different branches of christianity, but it is true in the branches that I have experienced and grew up in. so please… ya know keep that in mind.

so for those of you who don’t know, I was raised catholic and attended catholic schools all the way until high school. now like… setting aside the trauma of being young and queer in spaces where being queer was expressly not allowed, what really turned me away from the religion in my adult years is probably the church’s stance on suicide and the casual cruelty inherent in the structure of the church.

I’m a pretty open-minded person when it comes to spiritual things. i want to believe in the existence of a higher power out there who is looking out for me and my loved ones and the beings on earth. i truly want to believe that I’ll be able to see my loved ones even after they have gone. the idea of life after death is very appealing to me.

ive done my own personal research into religion as a whole, including the concept of spirituality which has always really appealed to me. that being said, having growing up around catholicism and christianity, it was always something that was within reach and at the back of my mind just by way of exposure.

still (and setting aside the other CLEAR problems with those particular religions), what keeps me from fully embracing that religion is the stance the followers of jesus (and I say this to include most religions who believe jesus was the son of god) have on those who commit suicide. for those of you who don’t know, christians and catholics believe that someone who commits suicide doesn’t go to heaven because they destroyed a creation of god.

i have never, in all of my 20 years, been able to reconcile the anger and injustice that stance makes me feel. every time i think I’m getting closer to that religion, I am painfully reminded that they worship a god who does not welcome some of his deepest sufferers into his realm. i cannot fathom that stance.

it’s always been a huge thing keeping me from further exploring christianity (because I have no interest nor belief in the catholic church). speaking from the perspective of those who carry those beliefs, god creates and loves all of his people. he cares for them as he would children and under his protection we are meant to thrive. i have never been able to reconcile following a god who willingly (according to the beliefs of many christians) gives the children he loves so dearly tests that would drive them to feel like they don’t want to be alive, only to deprive them of the heaven promised because they could not withstand them.

a lot of christians believe that hardships in their lives are because god has given them something to overcome. they also believe that someone could be the most devout follower of Jesus and be denied entry into the pearly gates because they committed suicide. i cannot reconcile those facts side by side.

there is something so incredibly cruel about a group of people following the ideology that debilitating mental illness to the point of suicide is a test given by god and that failure to survive means spending eternity in hell. there is something so cruel about humans looking at those who’ve passed on by way of suicide and believing that their god would not welcome them and comfort them.

i cannot understand or fathom that. i cannot fathom wanting to be a part of a community of people that believes that. i have never been able to understand believing a god who doesn’t offer peace to those struggling the most.

and I’ve never been able to understand it. as someone who has been in that position around the time I was being given a catholic education, it was harrowing to think that the god that was supposed to love me wouldn’t offer me comfort or solace because I had suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t control. it was absolutely and truly terrifying to believe that god was willing to abandon those suffering so deeply that they would override the human instinct to survive.

the draw of christianity (and I say christianity even though many religions have this same goal because the religious belief I’m talking about specifically refers to christianity) is that you find peace with god. it is that you find a support and love you would not have found elsewhere. the idea that the very same god who promises to love all of his children as equals would deny eternal peace to someone who suffered so deeply in life, is truly and deeply harrowing to me.

it has and I think it will always keep me from truly considering and being open-minded about christianity. i cant understand where that type of self righteous cruelty from a community that claims to be compassionate comes from.

[pepprs]

dont worry abt responding to my messages!! they can be little trinkets for u to keep forever if u wanna :)))

dear anon… how could i not respond to THESE!!!!!!!!!! 😭💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 you are the sweetest kindest most WONDERFUL soul. it is an honor to receive these beautiful letters and i hope you know how much i cherish each and every one. not just the words but the adventures you take me on and write up for the two of us!!! and the beauty and magic you help me to see in the world around me and the peace and love and love and love you conjure for me in moments when i cant find it or feel it so easy!!!! like idk i know i have no idea who you are outside of being dear anon and i only answer asks once in a blue moon but it truly means the world to me. TRULY.

your writing feels like all the best things, all the things i love most. like leaf piles in the fall and the pikmin bloom soundtrack (btw if you dont play that already i HIGHLY recommend it to you specifically, i think u would really like it and tbh you sending me these letters has the same vibe as my pikmin bringing me postcards from their adventures :"~DDDD!!! if you ever do join it please lmk i would LOVE to be friends and send you postcards and do adventures together!!!!) and frosting on cupcakes and twinkly dust motes in the sunlight and cumulus clouds and dogwood flowers and the way things made of glass refract rainbows and SUNLIGHT SUNLIGHT SUNLIGHT. and even that isnt cutting it. how magical it all is. like i wish i wasnt so exhausted so i could express it better but it truly is so... idk. NOSTALGIC! COZY! HOME!!!!!

so... in order to try to articulate it (and also show my thanks / return the favor / etc.), i am sending this letter along with a care package knitted with word and song and magic and light. enclosed please find:

wind chimes that sing like the sun hitting the lake (also i REALLY want to get a butterfly hair clip!!! i cant wear hair clips or anything else fancy in my hair bc of my mask headbands but id love to have one in case im ever able to wear it in the future 🥹)

a heart-shaped pebble from brighton, to add to your collection (btw i LOVE the part about how you lost them a long time ago but you love them so you remember what they look like. WAUGH. gut punch GUT PUNCH IN THE BEST WAY!!!!)

a mug for hot chocolate, so we can share some together when it gets cold again -- decorated with hand-painted stars in all colors!

a tiny needle to knit your sundust satchels -- like the kind youd find in pixie hollow or the tale of desperaux or something (also both things that have dear anon vibes to me and are also DEEPLY nostalgic for me!)

a recipe for starfait, with illustrations!! (also i LOVE that idea for a replacement for "tesscore"!! but i may end up using that for my personal tag on my undertale / deltarune blog instead bc its so perfect (and also im HONORED that u associate that with me 😭😭😭😭))

a crown and wand for you to wear to match the fairy queen mouse while you write the same kind of magic and comfort she brings!

a packet of magical flower seeds that sprout the most whimsical sweet-smelling flowers, with petals that are soft to the touch!

a hand-woven scarf in your favorite color threaded with shiny silver strands, like comets streaming through the sky (also i am SO late to say this but UNO REVERSE CARD re: your new years wish to me which is genuinely making me lumpthroated and teary eyed reading it again in AUGUST. you are the sweetest EVER. and also ive never played journey before but ive been interested in it for years!!! i'll have to check it out and/or watch a playthrough!)

a hummingbird sculpture on a long stick for you to plant in your garden among the flowers, to sing to them and to you! (also RE: your question about your vocal range -- it just means that you can cover a little over two octaves (the number after the letter is the octave it's in, and each octave is a span of c-d-e-f-g-a-b-c -- so your range starts at about halfway through the third octave and goes to halfway through the fifth!) i think your range is about the same as mine iirc so we can hum along with the hummingbird and all three follow each other's notes :"~D <3)

a golden acorn on a thread for you to wear as a necklace when we go to the bird tea party! (by the way, have you ever read the book ""until the last acorn "when the last acorn is found?" it's a BEAUTIFUL book and it made me cry reading it! i think you and the acorn people would get along very, very well!!)

a lantern made of jelly moonlight and silver foil stars (see: ilomilo chapter 4 :"~D) for you to carry on your walks through the dim nights (you can hang the stars in the sky, and they'll brighten the world and light at your touch!)

a copy of one of my favorite books of all time, "the ten thousand doors of january," which is so much about wedging cracks open into other worlds, and something i think you might like very much / resonate with too!!

a big, big hug.

dear anon: THANK YOU. for all these words and for being you. i dont know how i got so lucky to have you sending me these little trinkets but i will most CERTAINLY keep them forever. i hope you experience all the peace and love and love and love to infinity. may you always know and shine with the light you bring and the light you are.

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

but yeah! i’m so excited to hear more abt hero from you! i haven’t been able to check any moots blogs recently so tell me about hero and you! i think it’s in a /p way? info dump to me abt it :00 also just tell me abt your hyperfixation on omori anyways! i love talking abt the game

you mentioning aksel and august being very similar to hero and irl, omg they are i don’t know how i never realized this!! but yeah i think they’d identify with the characters a lot. especially since i may or may not give aksel a crush character for ooo story 👀. either way, i love expanding fankid stories past like my s/i and f/o! so aksels gonna have his own dumb adventures (where he babysits everyone else /j)

yup!! it's very and super /p ive been feeling very attached to hero lately hehe but bestie along with hero being my comfort/platonic i accidentally picked up the crush card and looked at captain sp.aceboy SBDBDJSJJSNSKDJDKDKKS HAHA <33333333

oh the pleasure to talk about hero even more is ALL MINE AHAHSBSBSHSHSHSHSH HEHEEHE

I honestly don't know how to put this into words!!! I just knew I was gonna like him!! also how is the fandom telling me he's the most underrated WHAT

hero is actually, uhm. like my first actual comfort character!! I never really considered any comfort charas because a lot of them would be my romantics, so I couldn't really classify them without being ALWAYS romantic (im just being picky don't correct me/lh) so hero being like, this new character that I enjoy so much without feeling the romantic aspect makes me so!!! 🥺 akakdkakkea I LITERALLY MADE EVERYONE IN MY DISCORD SERVER HAVE A PHOTO OF HERO IN A "take this, it's too dangerous" MEME AHSBEJDJRJJSKE

dude I swear I keep saying this exact line everytime, it's either in here or in discord LMAO but I've always liked characters who are loser romantics/charmers. applicable in /r and /p!! I just think it's a funny character design, ONLY IN FICTION do not go flirt irl it's very weird SHDVFHDJDHDJJS but when I saw hero, he works in the charmer aspect YET he's the most polite and gentlemanly type and it's a very new concept to me and I love it very much!!

though I feel like a lot of omori's perspectives of them in the headspace is greatly exaggerated

(like kel being so stupid but he's really a wonderful silly guy in the real world; or how sunny has a crush on aubrey and that has been emphasized in headspace in which aubrey is evidently showing her puppy crush on him)

so I feel like hero being literally loved by the whole world of headspace is just sunny's perception of him and I guess I dwell a little more on headspace hero (but that's not to say I don't care about real world hero; ABSOLUTELY NOT. MY BOY HAS GROWN UP LOOK AT HIM) oh I need to mention his dynamic with mari is what really sold me into liking him. he can be such a flirt to mari but is the one to get flustered instead because we all know mari is girlboss SBSBDHSJDJKEKS

there's just so many tidbits about hero I can keep going on about, but I bet there wouldn't be enough room to respond to other topics 🤧 okay but last thing, I want to have a friend like hero, someone who can tell me everything is okay, and I in return can be the one to make him feel confident about himself. he's gone through a lot and.... yeah. that piano scene with hero all by himself got me really bad /pos

ANYWAYS LOOKIE LOOKIE ITS HIIIIIIMMMMMMM

MOVING ON!!! it's definitely my recent and newfound love for hero is what made me wanted to mention how similar aksel is to hero AHBSBSHDHSJDHS LIKE rmbr that drawing you did for me where he's carrying susan??? I FR THOUGHT OF HERO AND AUBREY THERE LIKE 😭😭😭 THEN I WAS LIKE WAIT ISNT AUGUST AND AKSEL LIKE HERO AND KEL AJSHHSJEJEJEKE

BY ALL MEANS DO TELL ME WHAT U HAVE IN STORE FOR THEM HEHEHE 🥺🥺🥺 I MISS THEM <3

[melto]

Ive been following you for years and I love seeing your hc/long posts even when I dont super know what they are about I just think you have such a fun/smart way of thinking about things. I miss it you should start doing it again…So uh what are your favorite hcs about this ENGR crew?

ough this is such a sweet ask thank u i love u im glad u enjoy them wwhjkhsglrkjgfdl

hmm.....favorites for them....i have so many i think about them like 24/7. let me say this first: korn is a trans man to me and chang uses any pronouns (hot girl at a bar hitting on him really changed him i see it clearly). also mo is 5'6 and korn is just barely taller and never lets mo forget. just for some little things i feel very strong abt<3 but anywayss

pat mindlessly plays with his friend's hair mindlessly. like specifically braids it. he used to do it all the time for pa and he doesnt even notice at first that he's doing it until like one time he's ranting to korn and he tugs a little too hard and korn shouts but never tells pat to stop or anything. just does it all the time and they looovveee it and if they all have pat gifted braids in their hair at the same time they r so annoying about it. they just go around with matching hair and pat gets sooo embarrassed bc they wont shut up about how their bestie did it for them literally if you even glance in their direction they will tell you

engr besties cuddling...they are so obviously just an overly touchy group they've always got an arm around shoulders or hand on the back, half sitting in laps and all the like. no concept of personal space in that friend group!!! they like to be close to each other!! and they get fake jealous if they get left out of the affection which is how 50% of the time they find themselves in a cuddle pile, the other half is intentional/just kinda happens bc they drift together. korn is 100% someone who likes to hold people he's always wrapped around one or multiple of them. mo likes to spread out and it works well bc he's the smallest. chang likes to nestle up. like curl into people's laps or lay his head there or on a shoulder. pat's pretty fine with any arrangement he just likes being able to touch everyone in some way like korn wrapped around him, mo's legs in his lap, and a hand stretched all the way over so he can touch chang's arm. he does start to like get all >:( if anyone tries to like spoon him after he and pran start dating bc it simply never feels as nice so it makes him irritated. korn and pat are kinda chronic overheaters, korn gets whiney about it but pat doesnt notice its just everyone else's problem. chang runs super cold and mo is just normal. he's fine and normal in this department. they dont usually use blankets though bc they will fucking die then. esp if they are squeezed tight. they are convinced they can all fit anywhere until it blows up in their faces. pat lovveess playing with his friends' hair and hands and they all love when he does. mo falls asleep super easy when he gets cozy. korn thinks its funny to just randomly shake them around sometimes or just full on start trying to get everyone to wrestle with him with only works like 40% of the time. chang, surprisingly, is the one who talks the most like sometimes its just a normal hangout session so they are all just having normal conversations but on the days where its like more sleepy/quiet chang just kinda fills up the space by like monologuing about something he found interesting recently or whatever. they also have like a very specific way of holding each other when one of them needs some Serious comfort. it varies per person, like after the (fake) break up, korn and chang would glue to pat's sides and mo would lay across their laps and hold one of pat's hands and they'd usually watch something or pat would feel safe enough to vent. but yeah they all have a special comfort cuddle setup...they love each other soooooo much that it's embarrassing. and oh my god? pran is not safe? they walk in and see him and pat cuddling and they just fucking leap onto that couch and snuggle in best they can everyone wants to be close to pran bc he's their special guy! and he gives very good rubs and sometimes gives their heads a little kiss (which they all do to each other but its different bc again! its pran!) and pran feels so nice and loved but he cannot last very long bc it gets so hot so fast and he does not enjoy being sweat on by multiple people for more than maybe 45 minutes. sometimes inkpa join. pa's a lot more used to it and has a higher tolerance but both would much rather just be cuddling each other. with them it is just like a prolonged group hug basically, korn once got a black eye trying to keep ink in longer and she hit him in the struggle. they love each other (:

pa gets sooo many brothers. like she has pat and pran but she also get korn mo and chang and they all love her soooo much (society if i finish my fic abt this>)

ive talked about it before (mostly in reference to korn and pat's relationship) but i think the engr crew has an interesting relationship with violence and anger. pran being the catalyst in the change in it since it allows pat to become further removed from those things which leads to the other 3 to do so as well. i have a lot to say.

chang breaks him arm and the next day mo shows up with his broken too so korn and pat are like dude what the fuck happened and mo is just like oh i didnt want chang to feel weird being the only one ): the only reason korn and pat dont do the same is bc pran stops them. korn mo and chang were having a really hard time when pat got shot bc they could not easily recreate it for themselves to share his pain

korn mo and chang love pran so fucking much not an ounce of this is just out bestie's bf in them pran is THEIR special guy!

silly little group of bisexuals<3

months after the (fake) breakup starts to die down pat’s out at a bar with his buddies and chang just is like “this was pran’s favorite appetizer here” and then both he and mo just start drunkenly bawling about how much they miss pran leaving pat and korn to comfort them

korn mo and chang take that fake break up SOO hard. korn at least knows its fake but he still doesnt get to see his guy as much as he wants now but mo and chang? Devastated. oh i have so much to say i have many visions that make me so ]: (society if i finished this fic lol>)

they have secret handshakes

they like to tease pat for how down bad he is and force him to share his bf. pat's out there acting like a chauffeur bc they make pran squeeze in the back with them. shouldnt have gotten such an epic bf if he didnt want to deal with the consequences

Simply they love each other so much and are so supportive and learn to navigate newfound vulnerability with each other which allows them to just continue to grow closer and into the people they actually want to be<3

[cassicuterat]

a little piece of a character ive been thinking abt ! i meant to use this for angstpril but completely forgot to write anything for the whole month

--

It's quiet. He sits on the windowsill, hugging his knees and watching a pigeon try to pull a suet ball out of the birdfeeder in the garden. It's a futile effort; it crumbles against the grate of the feeder, scattering suet and seeds all over the grass.

In a few minutes, Lulu will notice and shoo the bird away, then pick up the pieces and put them in the small bowl by the birdbath, leaving them there for a bluetit to have when the larger birds take over the feeder.

He doesn't know what the pigeon sounds like, though. He knows that its call is loud and almost vulgarly unfamiliar, especially when compared to the silent stillness of Sir's house, but he doesn't remember exactly what it sounds like. This house is strange, filled with mismatched cushions and doors that don't quite fit into the frames, filled with noise.

Filled with noise, but quiet now.

The sun is creeping over the horizon, and the garden is filled with a pinkish light that burnishes the grass and dyes the white of the windowsill a faint peach. If he were to touch the window, he would find it damp with condensation, cool to the touch from the frigid night. He doesn't, though, and instead watches his breath turn the glass cloudy, obscuring the pigeon from his view.

It disappears, and for a moment, Auden is entirely alone.

He wonders if, even for a second, he could abandon the identity crafted for him. For a moment, he could relinquish being the person that Luca and Lulu believe him to be, could return to being Aurel in the hopes that he could return to Sir's house, where the noise is measured and predictable, and where he knows everything he needs to know about the world around him. His world has imploded now, bursting into a supernova of people and places and sound. Sound unmeasured, uncontrolled, unpredictable.

Markus says that he just needs to give it time, that he'll understand the ways of the outside world after a while. Markus doesn't seem phased by the awful newness of everything, greeted Luca and Lulu with a smile when he turned up at the door and introduced them as Markus and Auden.

Markus doesn't understand the way this outside world makes him ache.

The silence of the dawn starts to quell the way his chest burns, and his heart seems to creep back into his chest from his stomach as the stillness settles, and he watches the pigeon come back into view as the cloud of breath disappears from the window. For just a moment, it seems that he and the pigeon are the only two beings in the world, and just for that infinitesimal moment, Auden feels less alone.

When it's quiet, he's almost able to pretend that he's back with Sir, that he can relinquish the identity created for him in favour of returning to the person he once was - the person he still believes himself to be. He knows that Auden is not him; a similar name, one he chose purely because if he ignored just enough of what people were saying, he could pretend that nothing ever changed.

Markus's name didn't change; he altered the spelling, but Auden would have never written it anyway. He was the one who pulled Auden from the comfort and stillness and quiet of Sir's house, who decided that everything would change, who wanted everything to change; and yet he is still Marcus, only different in the few times Luca's written their names down to keep track of dates and people. Markus was the one who wanted change, but Auden's is the life that has been turned upside down and inside out.

Auden is now surrounded by people, but has never felt more alone.

He doesn't understand how all of these people have been able to turn away from the people that chose them, that fed them, clothed them, even loved them. He feels traitorous to be living amongst them, knowing that they all hate or fear their previous owners, and still, Auden is filled with nothing but a hollow longing for the past.

He doesn't understand why they all stand at arm's length from him, why Markus won't stay near to him. His skin burns with yearning, but hugging his arms around his knees and pressing them as tightly to his chest as possible does little to quell it. Nonetheless, he pulls his arms around himself and watches the pigeon as it pulls chunks out of the suet ball.

As he thought, Lulu comes through the sliding doors and waves a hand at it. She's gentle, though, and he can make out a small smile on her face as she watches it fly into one of the trees, scooping the chunks from the grass into the palm of her hand.

She looks up though, and immediately the illusion is broken. She smiles at him, and he suddenly feels a poisonous disdain for his ability to be regarded and pulls himself from the windowsill.

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

big long rant abt how happy i am rn but its LONG ^_^

holy shit . its a sunday evening and im somehow SO FUCKING HAPPY. like. nnothing even HAPPENED today i just had A GOOD DAY IN GENERAL this is incredible. like. i watched a nice tv episode and saw a funny video and played some minecraft and hollow knight and watched a fuckin crazy jrwi episode and woke up before the sun and felt the wind and watched the sun and heard the birds and. man. and tomorrow i know i have school and thats not even ruining my mood at all. because i have history. and my history teacher is nice. and he wont mind that i havent done any of the work because he gets it. and he explains things in interesting ways and hes kind and he never shouts and its the only class i not only feel comfortable asking questions, but where i WANT to ask questions because hes NICE about questions and i usually probably wouldnt care abt the shit were learning abt but he tells it like its actually REAL and not just a sheet of information. and im just happy. and whilst i didnt finish my codeflippa drawing like i hoped i would, i think ive come to terms w the fact i dont think i wanna ever Finish it, bc my creativity for it died down. i think ill just surround it in a few more flippa doodles n then post it bc ITSF FINE !!!! man. and like. i think ive remembered how it felt to be 5 again. when everything was SO EXCITING and i had no worries about the future because the only thing that EXISTED was here and now. and the world WAS big and scary but it was also incredible and interesting and full of light and colour and. like right now i can smell dinner cooking and for once im taking a moment to feel excited about that. because YES dinner happens everyday but !!! isnt it great that theres gonna be food soon !!!!!! and ill be able to eat it and i hope its smth i like. my sense of smell DID get fucked up 2 years ago BUT THAT ONLY MEANS DINNERS EVEN MORE OF A SURPRISE !!! it smells vaguely of HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT SMELLS LIKE THAT ONE CHICKEN DISH I HAD A LOT LIKE 5 YEARS AGO it most likely isnt that but ica nt belive i remember what that smells like . and like !!!! right now im listening tot he celeste soundtrack AND ITS SO GOOD !!!!!!! and MUSIC SOUNDS SO GOOD !!!!! and i played minecraft today and i tamed a dog called. smth. i havent named it yet. and a cat named smth toast related bc i was rlly hungry 4 toast and then i saw it. and i found out there r 3 seperate villages all really close to my base and i built a farm with potatoes and carrots and wheat and i mined for ages and realised my sense of direction in minecraft maybe isnt as bad as i thought it was because i spent like 2 hours in a cave and got utterly lost, but still knew which way west was. and i played a little hollow knight and didnt do too much but got across greenpath because i started a new save yesterday where i did all of crossroads. and if i play more hk later im gonna complete greenpath (or atleast what u can do b4 any other areas). and i saw my cat this morning !!!! and he was so friendly and he went meow meow meow and i went meow meow meow. and i just watched the new DW episode and !!!!! it was rlly good !!!!! ofCOURSEit had its moments of :/ BUT THAT DW FOR U IT ALWAYS HAS ITS :/ MOMENTS but it was SO good !!!!!!! and i love life sm rn and i can hum along to celeste music and my room is a good temperature and. my face ghurts bc ive been smilng so much. but im happy ^_^ and who knows how ill feel later tonight but what matters is that RIGHT NOW i m so in love witht he world :3

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

OHMKYGOSH YES i j read ur sashisu ramble… and i love love love hearing ab other people’s hyperfixations so don’t worry :33

mainly the fact that none of them could be open or vulnerable with each other …. to be honest i havent looked at sashisu very closely before but this hit me bc. I FEEL LIKE I RELATE SM :; like. i have a best friend who i’ve known since i was a baby but we’ve never ever had a serious conversation once… maybe this is unrelated but that is so tragic because to me friendships really struggle to be strong and stable against one another if you can’t ever show the side of you that’s struggling … being vulnerable w one another is key to bonding :’3

i have some thoughts about them— mainly shoko…. to me it kinda seems like she kept them at an arms length away this entire time on purpose and she still does…. maybe i’m spitballing idk i’m just basing it off the fact that satoru and suguru called her shoko but she still referred to them by surname even ‘til where we currently r in the manga (which. i will also ignore but i cant lie the memes were so funny…) but my thinking is that she did so because. even though we never really saw her much i think that’s it since she was a reversed ct user n probably didn’t have much experience fighting… maybe. hear me out just MAYBE she knew what might become of satoru and suguru since they were so enveloped in fighting and being the strongest, and both of them were so headstrong and arrogant for lack of a better term that she might’ve just… tried to keep herself from getting attached n being hurt even more than she already might’ve been simultaneously 😞😞

that still just makes me so so sad though….. they always looked so happy when they were together… maybe if they could’ve gotten suguru to talk and really listened to him for once…. alas ;; gege is an evil thing

U GET IT RIKO…

i feel exactly the same, i have two childhood friends who im very close to but none of us have ever been the type to really be vulnerable like that w each other and !! i absolutely think that strong connections need that, u need to be able to show even ur weaker side… n i guess the tragedy of suguru’s character is that he never felt comfortable showing his ”weak self” to shoko and satoru. T_T he will always make me cry like no other ….

BUT YES SHOKO !!! ur so valid riko. i love this woman so much n i think shes so interesting to talk abt !! ive been thinking abt the name thing too, i feel like its very telling of the sashisu dynamic; the fact that satoru and suguru ONLY (and i mean only) ever referred to each other w their given names, even after suguru’s defection… and how shoko refers to them as ”gojo” and ”geto” even though gojo still calls her shoko…,

i think its super interesting !! i rly rly wish i was able to read the og japanese manga, bc i feel like so many little language details like that get lost in translation (esp since the official jjk translation is kinda bad lol)… i wish we knew if shoko called them by their given names in high school, i want to think so but we just dont know </3

(i could be wrong but there was a translation on a recent chapter i read where shoko switched between ”satoru” and ”gojo”…… obv i dunno how accurate it is but i think itd be cool if we saw her start calling him satoru :’3 im delusional i still think my baby’s coming back)

but !! regardless i def think ur onto smth. i 100% see her as the type to get very detached to the ppl around her. thats why she seems so unbothered !! even tho she obv cares very much…. i think she loved both of them but she wasnt able to broach that gap between them, and after suguru’s defection i absolutely think she repressed herself even more…..

but its obvious that she still cares for them. like how she started smoking again after gojo got sealed / she found out abt kenjaku using geto’s body :((….

and yes i rly do think sugu couldve been saved if they had managed to open up like that <///3 thats what fanfic is for ig :’3… sob…..