#ive never been around someone who was so direct in that way but also like . used it for good or whatever

[magic-number-3]

long story but recently there was this guy i was working with for a day and the first two things he asked me were what im most proudest of and what im most insecure about. which is an insane way to get to know someone but he answered honestly himself so i felt comfy to share too. I ended up saying my insecurity was of not being perfect causing me to not try at all and then all day when he was teaching me how to do things and id ask how i was doing he’d make a point to say i was doing it perfectly and 🥹 thank you sir . I think you altered my brain on a fundamental level that day

[francis-writes]

Hiii! can i request what feyd would do if he gets jealous/possessive of his wife/partner? i just have a feeling that he would go absolutely feral. thank you sm! after dune 2 ive been searching her feyd stories everywhere!

READER IS GENDER NEUTRAL

A/N: thanks! I had crush on him since i read the book but now fortunately there is much more about him. I am still obsessed with him but for next week I may publish less often because of university and personal stuff

First of all, you're absolutely right. Not that Feyd is self-conscious. He thinks about himself as a perfect partner, a main prize, so he isn't afraid that you would find someone better than him.

But it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't like the idea of you being out of his control or someone else seducing you. (He trusts you but there's never enough caution, world is full of dangers; also with his position it is possible that someone could try to take you away just to get a revenge on Feyd)

I already wrote a scenario where somebody flirted with his crush and lemme tell you, nothing changes when Feyd is in established relationship. If anything, he only gets more possesive.

Of course, there are many different possible scenarios. His reaction depends on whether there's actual reason to worry or he just has suspicions, whether somebody flirts with you or just gets to close to you, whether it's a stranger, an acquaintance, a family. Is it a noble, a common person etc. But lets just speak about some possibilities

If you were somewhere in public, perhaps on some official party, and Feyd notices that somebody is flirting with you, he quickly drops whatever he's doing and comes to you. Keeping his calm posture, he joins the conversation and makes sure to emphasize that you're HIS partner and you aren't looking for anybody else. Feyd keeps his arm around your waist, starts talking about how happy you are together (constatly repeating "MY love", "MY spouse", "OUR family" etc). He's not that much into PDA and being soft publicly but he kissess you as hungrily and as long as possible. People on the party feel a bit awkward but the point is made.

If potential rival is going to far with their advances and acts too bold, or if it's a less public situation (for example a common afternoon in Harkonnen's residency) then it's very likely that Feyd would use violence, perhaps treating that person like he treated Rabban in the movie (throwing him on the floor and forcing to lick Feyd's boots), no matter the status of that person (unless it would be Emperor himself... I think). Maybe instead of boot-licking (or in addition to it), he would force them to admit that you're Feyd's and they had no right to mess with his possesions (even if your relationship is pretty healthy, Feyd still treats you as his possesion and he's very territorial)

Or maybe if somebody flirts with you more subtly, there's a possibility that Feyd will fuck you in a near room so everybody knows what happen because 1. He knows how to make you scream 2. It's pretty obvious from your disheveled look later. And this can happen no matter whether the flirt happened on a party (and all the nobles have to wittness this little show) or on a common day (and the only recipient of this show is his rival and maybe some poor servants).

When there's no direct threat to your relationship, he still acts pretty possesive. Feyd likes to know where and how do you spend your day (though he really likes if you spend your time with him and if you're interested, he engages you into his duties and takes to fight trainings). He wants you to inform him about your plans and he may or may not make sure that servants observe you. It isn't spying. It's just curiosity and making sure that you're safe.

Also. If Feyd was going to fight with somebody and that person acted the same way as he did with Paul and Chani ("Who is the little one, a pet perhaps? Will she deserve my special attentions?"), Feyd would be fucking livid (kinda hypocritical but that's what we love him for). That person wouldn’t survive to see the next day. And if he left them alive, it would be only to torture them and teach them how messing with his close ones ends.

[yikes-aemond]

I love you. It's ruining my life. (Part IV)

pairing: Benjicot Blackwood x Bracken!fem!reader (no descriptions of reader except that she wears dresses and has long hair)

warnings: canon typical violence, cursing, death 

summary: You and Benjicot Blackwood plan for the future. Things don’t quite go as planned. 

word count: 5.1k 

author note: Thank you all so much for your patience! I will not lie—this part was a struggle to write. I think I rewrote it at least three times, and I am still not sure if I’m absolutely satisfied. Fair warning, I’m putting our lovebirds through the ringer, but do not worry—I’m a girl who loves a happily ever after. Also, no smut in this part, but stick around for part five. Happy reading!

part i can be found here, part ii here, and part iii here.

“Have you lost your mind?” 

You could not have heard him correctly. Surely Benjicot Blackwood had not just asked you to marry him, while you were half naked. 

You hurried to adjust your dress and cover yourself in a desperate attempt to establish some sense of dignity and propriety in this moment. Had you not been overwhelmed by the day, had you not been so taken off guard, you might have responded a little more kindly to a proposal from your beloved.

Benjicot laughed as he watched you try to gather your wits about you. He followed your direction, adjusting his breaches so that everything was tucked back into its proper place.

Once you were both decent, Benjicot reiterated, “I am quite serious. We should marry this evening.”

You shook your head, mind racing as you tried to comprehend what he was saying, what he was asking. For years, you had watched Benjicot from afar. Watched the way he grew into a man, into someone that people feared and respected in equal measure. Being with Benjicot was always your dream. The one you had tucked away in your heart for years, never to see the light of day should you dare to do the most dangerous thing in all of Westeros—hope. 

And now he was asking you to marry him. You felt unbalanced, unsteady. Your head and your heart were at war. 

You managed to get off the bed. Needing a moment to collect yourself, you put some distance between you and Benjicot and moved back across the room to the fireplace. 

When you turned back to Benjicot, you saw that he had not moved. His eyes were fixed on you, that predatory gaze locked onto your form, waiting for your response. 

That look in his eyes never failed to make you squirm. The weight of that stare made you think he could hear every thought in your head, all your secrets and dreams. 

You sighed, breaking eye contact and said, “You know that our families will never allow it.”

Benjicot stood then, and slowly stalked toward you. With each step, you felt your heartbeat pound louder against your chest. You had thought that the longer you spent in his presence, the more you would become used to him. But you could not deny the effect Benjicot had on you, on your body. 

Benjicot took your hands in his, and pulled you against him. Placing your hands on his chest, he rubbed his thumbs over the scrapes you had gotten earlier in the woods. Had that only been this morning? Time seemed to hold no meaning in this room. A prison that now felt like a sanctuary. 

“That is why we must marry tonight.” Benjicot smiled, and then placed a kiss on your brow. “By the time they find out, it will be too late.” 

You pulled back, just enough so that you could look at his face. “And do your really expect your father and Black Aly to welcome me into the family with open arms?” 

Benjicot was still smiling, still so sure of his plan. “They will once they see how happy we are. How much we love each other.” He shrugged before continuing, “And we would not be the first Blackwoods and Brackens to marry. Others have done it in the name of peace.”

“But our families do not seek peace now!” You practically shouted, frustration coloring your tone. “We are on the brink of war, and our families stand on opposite sides.”

You tried pulling away, but Benjicot tightened his arms around you, stilling your struggle. Whatever good humor Benjicot had was slowly leaching from his features. “You know as well as I do that Queen Rhaenyra is the rightful ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.”

You closed your eyes and took a steadying breath.“Of course I agree with you, but that does not change the fact that my father will disown me if we do this. I will never be able to return home.”

Benjicot pressed another kiss to your temple and whispered against your skin,“Would that be such an awful thing?”

You felt your heart jerk at his question. The idea of never seeing your family again, of never being welcomed home, of never eating your cook’s fruit pies or riding through the moorlands outside of Stone Hedge on a misty morning, or gods never visiting your mother’s gravestone, was enough to send a wave of nausea through you. 

You hid your face against his chest. “My father was not always the most loving, but he is my father. For all the faults you may find with him, he has never been cruel to me.” 

Benjicot felt the shift in your mood, could practically feel the sadness and desperation radiate from the points where you touched. He knew the sacrifice he was asking you to make was no small thing. He rubbed his hands up and down your arms, trying to comfort the turmoil within you. 

You could not stop the tears even if you wanted to. You did not wail, did not scream at the unfairness of your situation, did not rail against the old gods and the new for cursing your families and subjecting them to an endless blood feud. For what else could this ancient, hateful grudge between the Blackwoods and Brackens be except for a curse? 

Even if you could convince your father to bless a marriage between you and Benjicot, any children between you would be enlisted to the war. Generations of prejudice had proven that. It was no matter that the Bracken or Blackwood on the other side would be a cousin. No matter that no one could remember how the hatred between your two families even began. No matter how senseless the bloodshed would be. 

This was your and Benjicot’s world. You could not run from the truth of your situation, could not hide from your fates. Not if you wanted your love to withstand.

And even though the thought of never going back to Stone Hedge was devastating, the thought of never seeing Benjicot again was unthinkable. Never hearing his voice or his laugh. Never seeing his smiles. Never having him hold you in his arms. You could not bear the separation, not after having a taste of what your life could be like together. 

Your tears slowed and your breathing evened out. Whatever doubts that had plagued your mind were banished. Resolution steeled your spine. You took a fortifying breath and lifted your head from Benjicot’s chest. With a watery smile on your face, you said, “I accept your proposal, Benjicot Blackwood.”

Benjicot’s joy was infectious. Smiling wide and bright, he lifted you into his arms and kissed you with such a reverence that left your breathless. Gods, you loved this man. Wanted him again and could not imagine ever being parted from him. The very thought of being separated was enough to send a panic through you. 

You wrapped your arms around Benjicot’s neck and tangled your hands in his hair, your tongue in his mouth. You felt his joy in that kiss. And you let that joy into your heart. Let it fill and warm you. In this moment, you allowed yourself to be happy. 

The impossible dream was becoming a reality. 

When Benjicot had proposed, he did not have an actual plan. He did not have any rings or a marriage cloak. As a Blackwood, he preferred to have a ceremony before the old gods in front of the ancient, colossal weirwood tree in the godswood. 

Because there were no clergy associated with the old gods, the current Lord Blackwood usually performed marriage ceremonies at Raventree Hall. But seeing as his father would likely oppose the marriage, that left Benjicot with few options. With a little convincing, or in Benjicot’s case, a little threat of bodily harm, the maester finally agreed to perform the ceremony. 

You could not stop smiling as Benjicot snuck you out of your rooms. With each passing hallway and corridor, you felt your excitement grow. You could barely contain your glee as you clung to each other, arms linked and hands intertwined, as you made your way into the godswood.  

The maester stood before the weirwood tree, with only the moonlight and a few lanterns to light the way. Hundreds of ravens were to be your witnesses. On any other night, feeling the weight of all those eyes watching you might have felt unsettling. But nothing could spoil this moment, nothing could come between you and Benjicot— 

“What in the Seven Hells do you think you’re doing?” 

Every muscle in your body tensed. Panic settled in your chest, and you felt your stomach drop. 

Black Aly stood at the edge of the godswood, her bow and arrow knocked and poised to strike.  

You felt the world shift. One moment you were standing beside Benjicot, and the next, Benjicot stood in between you and Aly, putting himself in the way of the arrow that had been aimed at your chest. 

“Lower the bow, Aly.” Benjicot’s voice was hard and low. You watched as he moved his hand to the hilt of his dagger, ready to draw the blade at any moment. 

Even from a distance, you could see Aly roll her eyes at Benjicot’s actions, but she did not lower her bow. “Do not overwork yourself, nephew.” 

You grabbed the back of Benjicot’s cloak, pulling slightly as if to hold him back. You glanced wearily back and forth between the Blackwoods. Two warriors preparing to battle. The last thing you wanted was for there to be violence. For surely a duel between Bloody Ben and Black Aly would be a fight for the ages. 

Benjicot’s body was tense as yours. He did not truly believe that Aly would hurt you. Aly was tough but fair, and underneath her brash attitude and hostility, she had a gentle heart. But he would not risk you. Would not allow anyone to threaten or harm you. Not when he had the ability to protect you. 

Benjicot pulled out his dagger. “Put the bow away, Aly. I will not ask again.”

You wanted to step in between them like you had done in the fight with Aeron. But this situation was different. This was two Blackwood who were taking the measure of each other, testing how far the other was willing to go. You could not intervene, even if the sight of an arrow pointed at Benjicot was enough to send your blood running cold. 

After what felt like hours, Aly lowered her bow. Sighing, she returned the arrow to her quiver. Only then did Benjicot sheath his dagger. 

“You sure have a flare for the dramatics, nephew.”

Now it was Benjicot’s turn to roll his eyes. “Says the woman who had an arrow aimed at my betrothed.”

Your heart fluttered at the word. 

Aly huffed out a laugh. “Is that what she is to you? Your betrothed? I do not recall your father agreeing to any such arrangement.” 

Benjicot remained in front of you, a barrier between you and Aly. “I asked for her hand, and she accepted.”

Aly stood with her hands on her hips, eyes directed toward the heavens. She looked as if she were searching for patience amongst the stars. When she cut her gaze back to Benjicot, you could not miss the look of pity that flashed across her face. 

“Benji, you know that you cannot marry her.” 

You reached for Benjicot’s hand, needing his touch and warmth to ground you in this moment. Whatever happiness you had felt, whatever joy that you had shared, was now slowly falling through your grasp. 

Black Aly would never allow you two to marry. Not like this. 

But Benjicot’s stubbornness was no light thing. “I love her, Aly. I will marry her, and you cannot stop me.”

Just as Aly was about to respond, you saw her face pale and expression grow uneasy. And when you heard the voice behind you, you understood why. 

“You would be wise to reconsider that position, son.” 

If you had thought you felt panic before, that was nothing to the sickening feeling that plagued you now. 

Because standing on the opposite side of the godswood, directly across from Aly, was Lord Samwell Blackwood. Benjicot’s father, and your own father’s sworn enemy. And with him stood a dozen Blackwood guards, each looking between you and Benjicot with expressions that ranged from disbelief to disgust. 

You had never been formally introduced to Lord Blackwood. He was a rather tall man, with hair as black as a raven’s wing. His close-cropped beard was the same. Like Benjicot, his gaze was enough to send a lesser man cowering. And right now that gaze was cold and enraged and fixed on you and Benjicot. 

If Benjicot had not been holding your hand, you would have been trembling. The two of you were trapped. 

“Are you so eager to start a war, Benjicot?” Lord Blackwood asked, his tone was like ice. “For some Bracken wench?” 

You felt Benjicot’s hand tighten around yours, almost to the point of pain. One glance at Benjicot told you that he was furious. His glare held that feral edge, and he was close to snarling. Bloody Ben was backed into a corner, and he looked itching for a fight. Even if that fight was against his own father.

“You will mind how you speak about my lady, father.” Had you not been so fearful for your life and his, you would have thought that declaration rather romantic. 

Lord Blackwood did not look impressed. “Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you and your lady have brought to our door, Benjicot?” 

“We wish to marry, father.” Benjicot glanced at you as he said, “We love each other.” 

A long suffering sigh escaped from Lord Blackwood as he motioned for his men to stand down. “That does not change the fact that she is a Bracken. You cannot simply marry her without expecting there to be consequences.”

“I am prepared to accept any consequence if it means we can be together.” The surety in Benjicot’s tone was enough to ease the fear that had gripped you since you had been discovered. You could help but give him a small smile. 

A smile that Lord Blackwood did not miss. “And you, Lady Bracken?” Lord Blackwood sneered. “Are you prepared to face the consequences of this marriage? Your father will seek retribution for this little act of rebellion. Are you prepared to have blood on your hands?” 

Now you were the one who squeezed Benjicot’s hand. Lord Blackwood terrified you, and so did his words. You did not wish to be the cause of another fight between the Blackwoods and the Brackens, did not want to send anyone to their death because you fell in love with someone who was never meant to be yours. 

Benjicot nudged his shoulder against yours, offering you what strength he could. With him standing at your side, you found the courage to meet Lord Blackwood’s gaze. “Whatever trials and tribulations may come our way, Lord Blackwood, I am prepared to meet them with Benjicot as my lord husband.” 

Even without looking at him, you could feel Benjicot’s eyes on you as you held your own against his father. Could feel how proud he was of you for defending your future together. 

Taking another breathe, you could not help but add, “You speak of my hands becoming bloody,  but I could not think of anything more fitting for a woman betrothed to Bloody Ben Blackwood.” 

The silence in the godswood was deafening. 

Every person and creature seemed to be holding their breath for Lord Blackwood’s response. You did not dare break eye contact with him, determined to hold your ground and prove yourself worthy of being Benjicot’s wife. 

Lord Blackwood finally moved his gaze from you and back to Benjicot. “We will treat with Lord Bracken tomorrow. Offer him a parley. You will ask his permission to marry his daughter. You will accept his decision, no matter what he says.” 

“Father! You know he will not—”

But Lord Blackwood had heard enough. Holding up his hand, he demanded silence. “Those are my terms, Benjicot. Be grateful I am allowing this much.” 

A weariness had settled over Lord Blackwood’s features. Although he was still a man in his prime, in that moment, he looked aged and tired. As he turned to leave the godswood, he said, “We stand on the brink of war. The Targaryens are at each other’s throats since King Viserys passed. Soon House Blackwood will be asked to choose a side, and you have allowed your foolish heart to guide your choices.” 

You could tell Benjicot wanted to protest, wanted to push back on his father’s orders. He knew as well as you did that convincing your father to allow the two of you to marry was going to take an act of the gods. 

And even though Benjicot knew when to pick his battles, knew when he had lost a fight, he could not help but have the last word. “There are worse things to be guided by than one’s heart, father.” 

Benjicot’s words gave Lord Blackwood pause. For a moment, you thought he might respond, might reprimand Benjicot for his lack of respect. Only when Lord Blackwood continued walking out of the godswood did you feel like you could breathe again. 

The Blackwood guards followed their ledge lord, leaving you, Benjicot, and Aly in the presence of the ravens. You could have collapsed from exhaustion. You felt wrung out from the day. Too much had happened in such a short period of time, and your body was protesting. 

Aly approached and stopped just short of you and Benjicot. “Well, that did not quite go as I expected.”

Benjicot rounded on Aly, and with animosity in his voice, he asked, “Why did you stop us?”

Aly stared at Benjicot like he had grown a second head. “We’re trying to prevent a war, Benji. Had the two of you married, Bracken would have shown up here with a thousand men seeking your head. You might love each other, but is that love really worth the lives of hundreds? Thousands?” 

“You are overreacting—”

Aly shoved at Benjicot’s chest. “And you are being an idiot! Use your head, Benji. If you had married in secret, the Brackens would have stopped at nothing to avenge that insult. You know that, even if you are too blind to see it.” 

With a softer tone, Aly continued, “Be grateful your father is supporting you in this. He could have just as easily returned her to Stone Hedge. You have a chance.”

Benjicot scoffed. “A chance? Do you really believe—”

“Enough.” You cut Benjicot off before he could say another word. You took his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you. “My father may hate Blackwoods, but he is not unreasonable. We will convince him.” 

You could tell that Benjicot was struggling to control his temper. He was still running hot from the confrontation with Aly and his father. Bloody Ben was lingering too close to the surface. You pulled his face toward yours and pressed a kiss to his lips. Nothing more than a gentle peck, but enough to distract him. 

When you pulled back, you could see that some of the edge had worn off. Benjicot’s face was calmer, less hostile. “I love you, Benjicot Blackwood. I do not plan to give you up without a fight.” 

Benjicot smiled at your words, the soft smile he reserved just for you. He wrapped his arms around you, tucking you under his chin. “My brave girl. I pity any man who would dare cross you.”

You held each other for a moment before Aly cleared her throat. “If you two are finished, I’m going to escort little Bracken back to her rooms.” 

With a quick kiss to your head, Benjicot released you and said, “Sleep well, my lady.” 

You did not want to leave Benjicot, but you knew there was no way Aly was going to let you stay with each other. As you followed her out of the godswood, you could not help but take one last look at Benjicot. 

You nearly stumbled when you saw him. Beneath the ancient weirwood tree, bathed in moonlight and surrounded by ravens, stood Benjicot. His head bowed as if in prayer. 

You did not have to guess what he was praying about. You only hoped that the old gods were listening. 

The only neutral territory acceptable to both the Blackwoods and the Brackens were the boundary stones near the old windmill. The day was overcast and cold, with the wind tearing through the cloak Aly had lent you.

Aly had not left your side since collecting you from your rooms that morning. You and Benjicot had been kept separated for the entire journey. You had asked for him, begged Aly to allow you two a moment alone, but she had refused. Lord Blackwood was keeping both she and Benjicot on a tight leash until this matter was settled. 

To say you were nervous was an understatement. You had tossed and turned the entire night, too anxious to close your eyes for fear of what your dreams may hold. You might have been confident with Benjicot the night before, but in truth, you had no idea how to convince your father to allow you to marry. 

The Brackens had arrived first. 

A host of about fifty men had gathered on their side of the boundary stones. A sea of red and gold with a few horses scattered in the mix. You did not miss how all the men were armed with swords at the ready. 

And in the front, seated atop his favorite war horse and adorned in battle leathers, was Amos Bracken. Your father.  

Amos Bracken was not as tall or built as Samwell Blackwood, but you knew your father to be a proficient swordsmen and respected fighter in his own right. You had no doubt that should this come to blows, he would hold his own. 

Aeron stood beside him. A united front against their perceived enemies. And while your father’s face was blank of all emotions, calm and controlled, Aeron’s disdain for the Blackwoods was clear for all to see. 

The Blackwood host equalled that of the Brackens’. You had ridden to the neutral ground on the back of Aly’s horse. You had tried to spot Benjicot all morning, but there were too many men, too much chaos. The closer you got to the boundary stones, the more you felt Aly tense in front of you. 

When you finally stopped, Aly directed you to the front of the vanguard. She had drawn her bow the moment your feet hit the ground. 

Your first sight of Benjicot sent your heart thumping. His dark hair was mussed, as if he had run his hand through it multiple times. But that was the only sign that Benjicot felt uneasy. His posture was relaxed, and his mouth was fixed in a smirk, like this meeting was an every day occurrence. He showed no fear. 

Aly stopped you slightly behind and to the right of Benjicot. You saw the moment when your father and Aeron spotted you. Your father’s eyes narrowed slightly, and Aeron’s face twisted into a mix of shock and disbelief. 

You swallowed down the fear and anxiety. Swallowed down the nausea that threatened to upend your breakfast. Swallowed down any uncertainty you felt. You had to present a strong front to your father and his men. Otherwise, they would pounce on any hesitation and demand that you be returned home. 

Lord Blackwood broke the silence first. “Amos. A pleasure as always.”

“Cut the shit, Blackwood,” Lord Bracken snarled, “and return my daughter to me.” 

The words were not unexpected. You tensed as Aeron shifted his hand to the sword at his side, stomach twisting as he gripped the hilt. 

You exhaled a long breath and fixed your gaze on your father. “I am well, father. The Blackwoods have treated me kindly.”

Lord Bracken’s face darkened, and you instantly regretted speaking. “I do not want to hear a single word from you.”

Your cheeks flamed at the dismissal, but you refused to lower your eyes. Refused to cower before your family. “Then I am sorry to disappoint you, father.”

“You insubordinate, ungrateful—”

“Lord Bracken,” Benjicot interjected, stopping your father from insulting you further. “I am here to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

You did not so much as breathe as you waited for your father to respond. 

And waited. 

And waited. 

The longer you waited, the more panic seeped into your veins. But when your father finally responded, you wished that he had not. 

With a sneer on his face, your father glared at Benjicot when he said, “I would sooner feed my daughter to one of those Targaryen dragons before marrying her to some Blackwood cunt.” 

You had felt like someone had knocked the air from your lungs. You had never seen such hatred on your father’s face. Had never heard his voice sound so cold and cruel. You knew that he hated the Blackwoods, but to sentence you to death rather than let you marry? 

You looked at your father like he was a stranger. 

You heard angry shouts and curses behind you from the Blackwood host. Felt that the bloodlust in the air had upped a notch. 

Lord Blackwood held up a hand to silence his men. “Careful, Bracken.” 

“My daughter was taken by your son. Subjected to gods knows what. I will not be careful, Blackwood.” 

“That’s not true, father!” You shouted, launching yourself to stand before your father. You had to find some way to convince him, some way to get him to listen. “Benjicot and I are in love. Please, just listen to us.” 

Your father scoffed. “Love? Between a Bracken and a Blackwood? Do not make me laugh.” 

The Bracken host jeered at your father’s word, laughing and snickering at the very idea of you and Benjicot being together. You even heard a man call out, “Blackwood whore!” 

You did not see Benjicot move. Did not see him reach for the dagger at his hip. Did not see him launch the blade into the air. 

But you could not miss the dagger embedding itself into the man’s throat. Could not miss the splattering of blood or the final wheeze of breath the man took before falling to the ground. Dead in the blink of an eye. 

A scream tore from your throat. You whipped around to look at Benjicot and found Bloody Ben instead. His eyes held that crazed, feral look, but there was no smirk.

Every Blackwood and Bracken standing in that field un-sheathed their weapons. 

“You may insult me all you wish, Bracken!” Benjicot called out, moving forward. “Call me a cunt. Call me craven. I do not care.” He stopped next to you and took your hand. "But I will cut down any man who dares to say such vile insults to my lady. Of that, I promise you.”

Your father did not look pleased by that declaration. If anything, he looked more enraged than before. “You violate the terms of this parley, Blackwood. You have spilled Bracken blood. I have the right to demand your head. But I will settle for the return of my daughter. Now.” 

You were close to tears. Nothing you or Benjicot said moved your father. He was determined to hold onto his hatred, to see the Blackwoods in the worst possible light. But you could not give up—you had to try. 

“Father, please,” your voice broke at the words, “I know that the feud between our families has lasted for a millennium. I know that the thought of a Blackwood and Bracken being together, of loving one another, is inconceivable to you. I know that this is not the life you wished for me. But I have lovedBenjicot since I was a girl.” You took a quick glance at Benjicot to give you strength. “And he loves me. I humbly ask you to grant our union.” 

Your father refused to look at you. Refused to acknowledge your words or pleas. You clutched Benjicot’s hand tighter. For you knew what was coming. Knew that your father was about to crush whatever hope you still held onto. 

Ignoring you and Benjicot as if you were insignificant, he directed his words to Lord Blackwood, “I do not give my blessing to this marriage. Return my daughter to me or we will have war.” 

Your vision swam and your ears began ringing. Somewhere in the distance you heard Lord Blackwood sigh and give the command. Your hand was ripped from Benjicot’s, by whom you did not know. You felt as if the entire world had spun off its axis. How had everything gone so wrong? 

One moment, you were standing next to Benjicot, his warm hand against yours, and then in the blink of an eye, you were on the other side of the boundary stones, with Aeron leading you away.

You felt as if you were disconnected from your body. Aeron’s arms were around you, guiding you. You were vaguely aware that he was trying to say something, speak to you about what had happened. But you felt nothing. Heard nothing. A numbness had settled over you. 

Only when you heard Benjicot call out your name did you snap. 

You shoved against Aeron, tried to run back across the boundary stones to Blackwood land, back to your love, but Aeron held firm. You struggled against him, screaming and hitting and kicking, but your strength was no match for his. 

You looked across the field to see Benjicot being held back by three men. He was snarling and raging, but the men held firm and forced him to his knees. You watched as Aly tried to speak to him, tried to calm him down. 

But there was no calming Bloody Ben. Not now. Not when his lady had been taken from him. 

When Benjicot saw that you were watching him, saw that you were struggling against your own constraints, he stopped. His eyes were wild and fierce and held the promise of retribution. With laboring breaths Benjicot shouted across the field, “I will come you for you, my lady!” He vowed. “I will always come for you!” 

You sobbed at his words. Sobbed for the happiness and hope that you had felt only hours before. Sobbed for the future you might have shared together.

For the second time, you were forced to leave Benjicot behind in this accursed field. Only this time, the heartbreak was so much worse. You had gotten a taste of the impossible dream, gotten so close to getting everything you wanted.

Your dream had become a nightmare. 

final author note: I know! I know! We have to suffer before things get better. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Love you babes xx

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[pikahlua]

Control your heart, but not like how you think

I've tried so many ways to write this idea out before. Hopefully I get it right this time.

There's a widely-accepted fandom interpretation going around a lot lately that I think needs to be challenged. Perhaps I won't be able to express it in its complete version because I don't subscribe to it, but I'll try my best to approximate it and hopefully most of you will know what I'm generally talking about.

It seems like a lot of people believe "control your heart" is a plot line that refers to Izuku's inability to contain his love for Katsuki, that "control your heart" is advice from a well-intentioned but ultimately incorrect adult who wants Izuku to suppress his feelings for Katsuki, and that Izuku is hiding his feelings but will eventually let go and embrace his love for Katsuki in an explosion of anger. Or something. Admittedly this interpretation varies a lot depending on who's talking about it, and I cannot hope to encompass every interpretation of it with one paragraph. But it always boils down to some version of "control your heart is about Izuku repressing his feelings for Katsuki."

Let's discuss.

Table of Contents I. Why I want to challenge this aka false dichotomies II. What Banjou said III. Katsuki's rage IV. Tomura doesn't control his heart V. The AFO connection

I. Why I want to challenge this aka false dichotomies

I want to challenge this interpretation of "control your heart," but my main goal here is not to shoot down BKDKs. I want this to be understood more than anything: the goal here is to help BakuDekus.

You see, fandom and shipping arguments--they're very susceptible to false dichotomies. I believe this is the source of a LOT of certain shipping interpretations that seem to go so far in one direction they fall off the rails.

I'll give you an example. I vividly remember how an anti-BKDK once went for chapter 1 in which Izuku rescues Katsuki. They started with the argument "Izuku didn't save Katsuki because he loves him, he would have saved anyone else in that situation."

This is a false dichotomy. "Izuku loves Katsuki" and "Izuku would have saved anyone else in that situation" are NOT mutually exclusive. It's very possible for both statements to be true (and I would argue they both ARE true). However, in the heat of an argument, it's very easy to accept the framing of these statements as mutually exclusive without stopping to think. You can try to argue against the premise. You can try to argue "no, Izuku saved Katsuki BECAUSE he loves Katsuki, and he wouldn't have done the same for anyone else," but you have to ignore or distort so many canon elements to get there. That makes it very easy for your opponent to point and laugh about how your interpretations are so wrong that they have to bend the story to make them work.

But there's another option: reject the framing. If you accept the framing, you're allowing the other person to dictate the discussion.

What does this look like? Let the evidence lead you to the conclusion and not the other way around. And that's a difficult thing to do. I would never say I'm perfect at it either. But if you are convinced Izuku loves Katsuki, then whatever evidence lies in canon shouldn't scare you. In some way, it doesn't MATTER what happens in canon--in that you're invested in their dynamic together and you'll ship them regardless, because there's ALWAYS an interpretation that will support the ship. But you can read the ship into whatever the canon provides. If someone says "Izuku would save anyone, so the reason he saves Katsuki is not because he loves him," one potential response would be "Izuku would save anyone, and also he saves Katsuki because he loves him." Don't let others control how you interpret the story with their words.

To take this back to "control your heart," there may or may not have been a shipping argument that spawned this--I have no idea. But there doesn't have to be. The point is to challenge the framing of the assumption, because there may still be another shipping interpretation if the original assumption doesn't hold up.

"Control your heart is bad advice that causes Izuku to repress his love for Katsuki and he will end up exploding" is one way to frame this.

But consider this new framing: "Control your heart is about Izuku using his anger/love as a source of strength so long as he doesn't let it control him--just like Katsuki does."

II. What Banjou said

The "control your heart" line comes from Banjou in chapter 213.

But I think people really gloss over the part that comes before:

This isn't about repression. Banjou says, "It's okay to get mad. That rage can be the source." Control here is not about repression at all.

This is about whether or not the rage controls Izuku instead. This is about Izuku going berserk and losing his senses. I've discussed the phrasing in Japanese before:

The phrase in Japanese is "kokoro wo sei suru" (心を制する). The word in question, kokoro, does not have a direct translation into English. It is often translated as "heart," "mind," or "spirit." The meaning of sei suru is "to control," "to command," "to get the better of."

The notion that "control your heart" means "don't let your rage get the better of you" is supported by chapter 367.

Tomura reveals that the reason he wanted to leave Izuku the "presents" of his comrades beaten and Katsuki dead was to anger him--which would cause Izuku to fight poorly. Mirio talking Izuku down after this further supports that "control your heart" is meant to be a good thing, something Izuku should do.

We also see a precursor to this in All Might vs AFO in Kamino (you know, the first one). AFO was determined for years to find something to "steal a bit" of his heart away--and he came up with using Nana Shimura's grandson.

Tomura himself stokes All Might's anger by attacking his students at the USJ.

But each time All Might gets angry, he keeps control and saves the day.

All Might is able to be effective despite his anger--or perhaps even because of it. Izuku needs to be able to do the same.

III. Katsuki's rage

In a weird way, the poster child for using anger as a source of strength is Katsuki Bakugou.

I say "in a weird way" because Katsuki's anger is often used as a front for something else. He hides behind anger. But at the same time, since he seems to be angry constantly, he surprises everyone with how much control he has over himself...

...to the point where Tomura even misjudges Katsuki's veil of anger at the sports festival to be resentment towards society.

And we know a big part of the dynamic between Izuku and Katsuki is about emulation.

We've just had a grand battle between Katsuki and AFO in which Katsuki achieved his strength by emulating Izuku--his battle analysis, his tolerance and willingness to endure pain, his use of his own pain as a weapon, etc.

So what if "control your heart" is the corollary to what Katsuki just went through? What if Izuku's "control your heart" is about him learning to use anger to win in the way Katsuki always does?

IV. Tomura doesn't control his heart

If Izuku does need to "control his heart" to be like Katsuki, this provides an opportunity for a moment in Izuku vs Tomura where Izuku can acknowledge Katsuki's role in Izuku's growth. This will depend on Tomura acting as a foil.

I start with the assumption "control your heart" means “if I want to save the people I love, I can’t let anger in the moment control me. I have to use my anger, which comes from my love, to reach the bigger goal.” In this case, Izuku has to control his heart long enough to get what he wants (to save Tomura), and he may have to go even further by applying this ability to someone else who doesn’t control their heart (Tomura).

I do think Tomura can represent a person who is not in control of his heart--which is why he lashes out and destroys everything. He gives in to his instincts to destroy. He loves destruction. And he represses the child inside him who has to explode out when someone like Mirio says he doesn't have any friends. If there's any character who represses his true desires, it has to be Tomura Shigaraki. He denies the idea that he's human, that he's saveable, that there's a crying child inside him--things Izuku asserts because he has seen the truth of them. So Izuku learning to control his heart may be what allows him to save Tomura, and if so, he can give some credit for that to Katsuki (and to All Might as well).

V. The AFO connection

I think one of the major details people discuss surrounding "control your heart" is this notion that Izuku lied about what triggered Black Whip in chapter 217.

"Any clue what set it off? Maybe something's triggering it." "I dunno..."

There's this assumption by the fandom that Izuku is lying because he should know that Black Whip going berserk was triggered by Izuku's anger at Monoma insulting Katsuki. Honestly, I think this is a misreading of the above scene. I don't blame anyone for the misreading because the scene is written in a confusing manner, but I think this page is talking about something else.

Katsuki isn't asking "What caused Black Whip to go berserk?" (answer: Izuku's emotions). He's asking "What caused Black Whip to become accessible?" In other words, why is One For All evolving in this way now? Why didn't All Might have access to these quirks when he had One For All? Why didn't you, Izuku, have access to these quirks until now?

To which all Izuku can say is, "they [the vestiges] just told me the time was right."

If you think about it, it doesn't make sense that Izuku's emotions triggered the "unlocking" of Black Whip and Izuku's sudden access to all these new quirks. If all that was necessary was for Izuku to have a surge of emotion and the desire to "catch" something to unlock Black Whip, he should have unlocked it back at summer camp when Compress kidnapped Katsuki or when Katsuki was about to disappear through Kurogiri's portal.

So in the above page, we're really meant to hone in on Katsuki's suggestion: "Yeah, something to do with All For One..."

There's evidence to support All For One is connected to One For All's evolution. In chapter 209, right before Izuku's team's match in the joint training exercise (where Black Whip first appears), we "randomly" get a cut to All For One in prison:

There are plenty of hints scattered about that this all has something to do with AFO. Remember, Izuku has a dream where Yoichi spoke to him the night before the Joint Training Arc begins--and the dream included a bit of AFO's backstory. It's very possible this was the true "unlocking." I would argue the best hint we have about what's happening with OFA is AFO's line of "I hear my little brother's voice!"

...because it sounds like the AFO-OFA resonance from chapter 369.

Putting all these pieces together, I would like to share with you my current theory about "control your heart." You don't have to subscribe to this idea, but this is where I personally am at right now.

I think the fact Black Whip went out of control in the Joint Training Arc reveals this evolution is about the resonance between OFA and AFO (the QUIRKS, not the people) that we’re seeing in the story right now. Katsuki’s role in this is that he’s the trigger for Izuku’s anger, which didn’t unlock the quirk factors but allowed them to go berserk in the moment. The idea of "control your heart" most likely means “anger is good, but don’t let your anger control you, you should be the one in control.” And Shigaraki understands this because he tries to provoke Izuku’s anger to defeat him. Izuku has to keep his own anger from interfering with his heart’s desire to save Shigaraki, and Katsuki is horrified that he’s a trigger for Izuku in this way (which is why he freaks out when Izuku attacks Tomura in the Paranormal Liberation War, and why he tells Izuku "stop trying to win this on your own" after he gets stabbed saving Izuku). This informs Katsuki's desire to "no longer stand in Izuku's way," because Izuku can only be triggered when Katsuki isn't strong enough to keep himself from being exploited. Izuku was triggered by Katsuki's death, but he managed to CONTROL his anger, not suppress it. He's still angry, he's just channeling it to achieve his goal of saving Tomura. And it's likely this point could come up in Izuku's attempt to save Tomura as Tomura is someone not in great control of his heart. And in the same way Izuku was an example for Katsuki to emulate so that he could use his pain and analysis as a weapon to defeat AFO, Izuku can use Katsuki's example to emulate "controlling his heart" aka controlling his rage to be his power in battle.

For your consideration.

[pinkanonwrites]

“ASK ME ABOUT BUMBLEBEE IN MY ASK BOX I LITERALLY NEVER GET SICK OF HIM” hi sorry. ive had a crush on that guy for like 18 years now he makes me fucking crazy. talk about him as much as you want pretty please

YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY! Thank you so much anon, I'll gladly indulge.

I don't think there's been a single iteration of Bumblebee I didn't at least kind of like. There's definitely a few iterations of him that stand out to me though! I really, really like the direction they took Bumblebee in Earthspark, an unprepared mentor who's still a little immature, but has it WAY more put-together than the Terrans he's always surrounded with. He thinks he's in over his head and there's no way he could be a teacher, but by the end of Season 1 he's proven himself to be an incredible leader, teacher, and fun uncle figure.

Also, potentially controversial opinion, I really enjoy RID 2015 Bumblebee. It's definitely not the best Transformers series, and personally I think it would have been a lot more well-received if it wasn't pitched as a sequel to Transformers Prime and instead got to stand alone as its own thing. But seeing Bumblebee trying to be a serious leader with his goofball team only makes it more adorable when the geeky moments slip through, like his love of cowboys or the Bumblebee babysitting episode. Prime Bee and RID 2015 Bee definitely don't feel like the same character to me, but I'm able to separate them enough that I enjoy each of their merits.

But my humble opinions on various Bumblebees aren't the main reason we're here, is it? No, the main reason is for me to write all my personal little valveplug headcanons for y'all to enjoy and peruse!

NSFW BELOW THE CUT!

I think just about every version of Bee would be incredibly possessive over his partner. Though he's usually a fun, plucky, charming bot, he's got a lot of inferiority complexes and that manifests in him absolutely NOT wanting to share. Some Bees are more flexible than other Bees, but all versions of Bee love it best when your attention is on him. The only one that I can see being willing to share his partner on a 'more than once' basis would be Cyberverse Bee, and even then only with someone he felt equally comfortable with like Cheetor or Hot Rod.

Bee is also incredibly tactile, he loves skin-to-metal contact. If he had no shame and no scruples he'd carry you around in his servos or on his shoulder wherever he went. Bayverse, Knightverse, Cyberverse, and Animated Bumblebee are all very grabby and affectionate in public, while Prime, RID 2015, and Earthspark Bee save their touching and fondling for more private places. Really, the first group just get too excited when they see you, while the second group is worried about embarrassing you AND themselves.

He usually prefers to be the one doing the spiking, but that's partially because of the aforementioned inferiority complex. Get your hands and mouth on his sensitive little valve and you'll have a puddle of mech all for you to play with.

Very messy and very enthusiastic kisser. Even when he's trying to hold back and take it slow his processor is just a fog of pleasure and he can't help but practically devour you. Same thing if he's eating you out, he gets completely and utterly drunk on you.

LOT of transfluid for a minibot, and despite his better efforts the two of you usually end up pretty messy. If it's an accident he'll be very sheepish and apologetic, but if you asked for it he'll fully revel in seeing you covered and slick with his fluids. Actually, probably a lot of fluids in general if we cycle back on that kissing one. He's just a messy bot.~

And I talked about this a little in my tickling posts, but I'll indulge myself a little more. Like Optimus, I think Bumblebee enjoys being tickled but struggles to voice that or ask for it because he's worried it'll reflect poorly on him, like he won't be taken seriously if he lets himself indulge. The inner lining of his door wings is super sensitive, even just trailing your fingers up and down the length of the rubber window seal will have him squirming. As for the inverse, Bumblebee absolutely loves to tickle you, and would gladly do it whenever you ask. You're so, so much smaller than he is: softer, squishier, more vulnerable. It both turns him on and tugs at his heartstrings that you trust him enough to let him manhandle you like that, pin you down and push you to your absolute limits until you're wriggling and gasping and squealing with laughter. Cyberverse and Knightverse Bees are the biggest ticklers, while Animated and Earthspark Bees are the biggest ticklees.

(If you have any more questions about my particular headcanons on specific iterations of Bumblebee, please please please send an ask! I can answer well and enthusiastically for just about every Bee, save for IDW and Prime.)

[propertyofwicked]

never have i ever... | rafe cameron

not my gif

warnings: none that i can think of :)

had a troll pt1 

“rafe isnt who you think he is. you need to leave before he turns on you too” 

the text wasn’t what you were expecting to receive from an anonymous number on your way to work at the country club. you were used to getting dirty looks from kook girls at the club who would sell their souls to spend one night with your boyfriend, but texting you was a new level of obsessed. did it worry you? not really. you’d heard things about rafe and what he was capable of - mainly from your brother. john b and rafe had a long standing history of hatred for each other, which had only gotten more extreme when he had caught rafe climbing out of your bedroom window at 3am a week ago. since then rafe had been walking around town with a busted lip and a black eye and your brother had been ignoring you since. 

“what’s up with you darlin’“ the voice of your boyfriend softens the furrowed grimace you hadn’t realised you’d been holding for the duration of your shift. he’d been walking back from the toilets when he saw you walking towards the kitchens. 

“nothing really. grumpy kooks clicking their fingers at me thinking they’re going to be served quicker, oh and a text i got earlier.”

“a text? from who?”

“dunno, anonymous number. just said that you weren’t who you say you are and i should leave now. it’s probably just some girl you looked in the general direction of once.”

“sounds about right,” he gives you a small nod, “have they sent anything else?”

“not yet.”

“good. if they do, ignore it,” he ended, his jaw tightening slightly at the thought of someone trying to mess with his girl. his hands sneak around your waist, pulling you to his chest, and his lips pressing a short kiss to yours, and your forehead before pulling away and letting you return to your shift. 

upon finishing your shift you check your phone again. a text from your manager with you schedule for next week, one from rafe letting you know he’ll be at topper’s if you wanted to join, and another one from the anonymous number. 

“he’s not good for you y/n. he’ll turn against you soon enough. leave him before he hurts you.”

rafe used to be a bad guy, you’ll admit that - hell, he’d admit that. but since meeting you, he was off the drugs, not getting in as many fights, and when he said he loved you, you genuinely believed him. nothing had ever made you doubt it till now. maybe this person knew him? an ex maybe? he’d been with girls before, he’d had girlfriends but it never lasted long. will he leave you when it gets too serious, like he had with the others? you quickly responded to rafe, telling him you were just going to go home and get in bed. should you respond to the troll? rafe told you not to but maybe if you could find out who it was you’d be able to see if there was any truth to the matter.

“who are you? what do you know?” you type out in response, putting your phone in your pocket and beginning the walk to the chateau. when you got home, the lights were on, and the pogues sat on the porch, beers in hand.

“hey y/n,” your brother says, making you double take - he’d been ignoring you all week and now he greets you with a smile? 

“hey bird, hey guys,” you greet him and the others, “any beers for me?” 

jj throws a can in your direction, that you open immediately and down half the can.

“thirsty y/n?” kie asks, chuckling slightly as you finish the rest and toss the can to the side.

“parches beyond belief, the club was so busy i haven’t managed to have a drop of water all day,” you respond, laughing lightly, “i’m also tired beyond belief, so i’m gonna head to bed. see you all in the morning.” the group wishes you a good night and you head into the house and straight into your room, and opening your phone up to a new text.

“it doesn’t matter who i am. ive seen him with other girls. do you know what he gets up to when you’re not around?”

[redlimvs]

ive been feeling more down lately and i havent been writing as much but I still wanted to share some bits (summaries) of some things i have...

//

1. He laughed even as they were kissing, he threw his head back every few minutes they talked and touched. Calvin hadn’t noticed the little things Andre had done until he looked closer, until he really got to know the boy behind the entire facade of a troublemaker. The imagination of the boy being absolutely perfect was farther from the truth. Calvin saw nothing wrong with this fact, rather, he was far more attracted to learn the little imperfections Andre seemed to be hiding from anybody else. The way his top teeth overlapped his bottom ones, causing his upper lip to be more out, the way comes out completely burdened with acne and spots all around his face, to Calvin, it simply made Andre look more beautiful. Nothing about who Andre was or how he looked could ever change the ever growing thoughts and emotions Calvin felt towards him, it simply felt like, to him, Andre being imperfect was in fact the most perfect thing about him

2. Taking care of a single person, to them, it’s rotten work, it’s pointless, it has no effect on them if somebody decides to leave them. For them, every single person that came into their life would quickly become a stranger, whether it was their doing or the other person’s faults. He saw how they waited for someone to take them home, not the home they lived in, but the permanent home of the other person’s heart. To say his best friend was homesick was an understatement, no, he was dying to feel the beauty of one’s presence, to have someone never leave his side, no matter how hard things got sometimes. There, he stood in front of his best friend, noticing the little crystals that were his tears, and he too, shed a few as they watched each other intensely. With the few very words he could muster up, he grabbed the blonde’s hands, feeling the softness and the gentleness they truly held. He took a final breath, turning to face the opposite direction before turning back to his friend.

“...I do.”

3. “Why didn’t you do it...?”

After months of planning, after countless times of talking about this exact moment, Andre was too pussy to actually go through with it. How could it, after hearing the idea first come out of Calvin’s mouth about killing themselves when it’s all over after shooting what appeared to be dozens of students, how could he actually agree to it? He blames no one except himself, Andre could have done something, he could have said anything in that moment or any other moment they shared with each other and he could have told Calvin that the idea wasn’t so good.

“You...promised...”

And he did, Andre promised to his best friend that they were going to go through with their plan, together. He never intended to back down but with everything happening so suddenly he couldn’t but get cold feet at the thought of a bullet going through his head. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen, maybe he should have taken better care of the situation and realize the signs Calvin was throwing at him, none of this was supposed to go too far and instead was supposed to just be a way to release all of the anger he had built up, he never meant to shoot anyone, he never meant for Calvin to die like this.

4. What can be sad can also be known as true, something you can’t find in real life will always crawl back into your mind when you dream. Waking up only makes one realize that nothing was ever real, that broken and depressive thoughts that clash in your brain to remind you that there is no hope, there is so saving those who cannot be saved and to those who don’t want to be saved. It’s sad, it’s heartbreaking to come to a consensus that those who suffer may never return back into the arms of those who warm their hearts and their souls. Praying to god no longer does anything, getting down to your knees and begging for redemption only lets them know just how weak you are. Andre hates to go back to that one moment, that moment in the past that makes him rethink the choices he had before, that one moment in his life that made him remember that he too can be weak. The conversation with his dad, the car ride with him, during that time, he couldn’t help but allow his eyes to gaze at his father for a second before facing towards the road again. He had told him how he wasn’t planning on going to prom and instead stayed back to help around, after his shift was over, he couldn’t help this bittersweet feeling in his mind. Did he know? Did his father know something that Andre hadn’t told him, did he feel something suddenly wrong in his son’s presence where he felt he needed to tell him how proud he was of him? That moment had felt like something he’d never expect, it had been one of those moments he felt that something could have been different in his life, maybe something could have happened that would change him for the better. His father was proud of him, but he didn’t feel proud of himself

5. Such a lowly and putrid prince, those who shunned him from the world were correct in the fact that nobody would ever find him as a ruby gem, nobody would dare give him the final dance he needed as a farewell, nobody would give him the satisfaction of cherishing his last moments. Whatever flows in the river of regret and punishment will forever crash and destroy whatever he made up to try and convince himself that there was more to his life than simply rotting forever in his mind. Monarch’s were practically unable to view their own beauty and see how raw and beautiful their wings were, they would never get a chance to see who they were even in their dying breaths. Everybody else was able to see just how perfect they were, but they wouldn’t say anything, they wouldn’t dare speak a word on who they were and simply wait until the last few moments to remind them,

“My, such a beautiful life being put to waste.”

God would never forgive him, he didn’t want him to forgive and he didn’t want to believe everything his parents say about God being real, for if he was real then why give him the life he did not need, why give him the misfortune of seeing his past mistakes simply by looking at his wrists? Bring him terror, bring him fear, bring him everything he always had and take it to his grave, nobody would ever visit him anyways.

[trainingdummyrabbit]

which character ya wanna post about? (invitation to go off)

ouuHGUHUGHHG ive been rotating this around for hours bc ive redirected myself like 5 times since u sent it but ithink i got it i got it this time. i wanna talk abt porccubus. ok gimme a minute gimme a minute

so like. i know theyre technically the same thing, across lobcorp/ruina, but i really really wanna dissect the weird contrast it has going on there. (though, isuppose, their "same"ness is kinda up in the air re:abnos, considering there was a librarian snippet abt child of the galaxy being more "vicious", but wwwwwweh [waves hands around])

so like. the thing about lobcorp porccubus is that its just. an odd fucking creature. like yeah obviously, but its about the way its perception seems to weave around it. its core themes, that of pleasure and euphoria, uncontainable and uncontrollable, would imply that its something impulsive, stimulation-seeking, something that is driven wholly by desire and would be difficult to pin down. however, the way that its logs and flavor text are written give off a much more... subdued vibe, for lack of better words to describe it.

it is the source of that elation, yes, but everything in the way it holds itself is so withdrawn. it simply floats there, yes, but there is little to no mention of it making any moves of its own (which, now that i recheck its info log, is also mentioned plaintext!) and its in-work flavor text seems to speak with the tone of someone Studying it, Speaking about it, rather than observations of its movements or descriptions of its mindset. its all very distant. speaking in third person to someone who is listening. ...right?

which is to say: whats wrong with this dog. its story implies direct exploitation yet it just… it Just. its some strange little animal. its not malevolent and trying to kill people for fun. but it also isnt all sad like petals plucked from a daisy. it just Is. it has almost the same sort of feel as some sort of object. and yet it is clearly alive. does it have a will? it must; as abnormalities Do. so what is it? it functions by its own rules and just kinda Goes Here. does it want? does it need?

porccubus itself acts more like a Service or Trade than an actual creature. you walk in and interact with it, and it knows what to do in response. game of trust - it does a little song and dance as is its nature, yet doesnt seem to desire much more.

which also brings me to the shackle-- the little necklace around its neck. it speaks about how it was chained up, for whatever reason, and yet nobody seems to have any idea why. and porccubus... just doesnt seem to mind it. never mentions it. its such a particular type of indifference. (i suppose another good question is what is it shackled to?) and even further still... what does it mean that the ego gift it grants Is that necklace?

lc!porccubus as a creature is laced with restraint. both in a literal sense, And in an internal sense. pleasure and euphoria, yet it is definitively restrained. it cannot reach out first. it does not act on its own, but rather waits for something else to reach out First. even when it breaches, it (according to what im reading,) simply... waits. waits for an approach. (you Must approach it. it has to be a Choice.) theres something very Aimless about it, mechanical almost. i cant really sum it up in any way other than That Is An Animal.

...which brings a very interesting contrast between It and its Ruina counterpart. in the library, its much more Jubilant. it speaks, for one, which is something i straight up didnt know it did for a while. the way that it presents itself outwardly is much more outspoken-- inviting, wanting someone to engage, trying to persuade that first step. it yearns! pet it! it wants to share what it has to give, but it still wants that hand of yours offered to it First. its happy! its happy! come be happy with it!! dance with it, play with it! its demeanor is so much more forward, more present... more conscious.

and crucially... that shackle is no longer tied about its neck. rather, it dangles loose from the end of its tail, almost like an accessory rather than something granted/given to it. does this represent the release of former ties? it certainly acts more free than it did before-- whatever was holding it back, is it gone now? is its shift in demeanor the jubilant frolicking of that which has never been able to soar? is this what allows its nature of wishing to share that elation to shine through? much like a dog chained to a stake, finally being set loose in an open field.

in an unspoken turn of events, porccubus seems to focus on Release. release of ties, release of inhibitions, release of that which had been holding you back. it wants nothing more than to give what it is experiencing to those which are weighed down by things that keep them unhappy. and yet, it does nothing to truly alleviate what those woes are, simply covering them up with a layer of unrelenting sweetness.

..............which of course, brings me to angela. yeah yall thought i could go an essay without her?? lol. lmao.

on the floor realization centered around her staunch desire to live, it almost seems to stick out like a sore thumb. with all of the withdrawn mourning and wishing that the rest of the phases share, pleasure is an odd slap in the face, almost. but... it really does make it hit that much harder-- Especially with that which was expanded upon above. the imagery of unshackling yourself from that which held you down, allowing yourself to feel things you never were able to-- never were Allowed to. is that not what she stands for, here?

its reaching towards an open door, trying to grasp to any amount of Living that you can reach-- you deserve that much, at least. at the Very least. you Have to be allowed something. but not only is it that desire, but its also the Ignorance. the understanding that no matter what you mask it with, all that baggage still remains. chasing those short, intense bursts of happiness-- everything else still continues to eat away at what's underneath. and yet, theres still a consciousness to that. even further than that, a commitment.

who cares what becomes of you because of this? this happiness-- this which you were never allowed to so much as dream of-- is right within your grasp. and to taste it for even the smallest of moments, the briefest amount of time-- that makes it worth it. it was all worth it. nothing matters more than this complete devotion to sensation. it doesnt matter if it tears you apart from the inside, this is what you were always looking for. this is what you deserve. and youll do anything to hold onto it.

in some odd way, it really is about rotting.

in conclusion,

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

Do you think ppl in this fandom infantilize Lucifer? I often see some fans (Cough Lilith Haters cough) treat him like he’s nothing but a helpless uwu baby. Like dude he fought against Adam (The only one who should be calling him baby is Lilith-)

Throws chair holy fu cking shit yes

'Lucifer would be horrified to discover ducks' corkscrew dicks but also he designed them' Pee your Pants now, your fav has weird little girl picking up worms energy and you should be grateful for that

Honestly this issue annoys me most in discussions around the Eden incident because I think the potential is downright fascinating only for the actual rebellion of their actions to be overlooked

Like, shippers have been making the Short One a weak little submissive twink cause they don't know how to write interesting relationships since the dawn of time, Adamsapple fans just found out about being tall and a bottom at the same time and they have yet to shut up about it. If thats what gets them off whatever

but in other contexts? like come on, someone engage with the text with me

He tried to break humans free from heaven's control, regardless of the introduction of evil, that was a direct confrontation

No, Lucifer hasn't deconstructed his bias properly but that doesn't mean he likes Heaven, there should be more hostility, that man is a wet blanket for exclusively Charlie(and not even always) and is so very irritating sometimes on purpose sometimes on accident to everyone else and he is very unapologetic about it

He's a cunt! He's an almost entirely self focused annoying cunt and was a dismissive father for years, My Beloved

I get really turned off by any depiction of Lucifer as a younger sibling/ apprentice/etc figure now just cause like, the actual issue is never tackled in those, he just cries and is hugged better

There's a lot misrepresentations of mental illness too, like he has stimulation seeking depression its weird when hes morose and apathetic, i miss my overly dramatic attention whore performer hurling around ducks that displease him, also the suicidal thoughts tend to be written poorly which is offputting when you've dealt with them before

the Adam scene is interesting cause Lucifer clearly knows his power, it makes sense Char doesn't have a grasp on her rank but Lucifer knew Adam didn't have a shot against him

Lucilith fans aren't even that much better, like how many are just 'Lucifer is sooo cute and sweet and innocence and childlike wonder and Lilith wants to fuck him so bad about it'

ive seen a lot of Lilith taking care of drunk Lucifer, I have yet to see any drunk Lilith just saying

Maybe i'm just too invested my tarnished divinity dynamic but im bored of that shit, let's cracks them open and see whats wrong with them already

I've really come to appreciate Lucifer writing in the show after all the caricatures he's spawned, only a truly interesting and nuanced character could be interpreted this badly in this many different ways

[uhhhitsme]

for the song thingy! how about 63 if it hasn't been done yet? :]

OKAY this is good because the first one u sent in was 4. and the 4th song on my curtwen playlist is you belong to me. which im sure you already know the context for because of smys incredible wonderful stunning fanfiction.

this is very fitting to me because somehow, even though crane wives is like 90% of my curtwen playlist, youre the first person to rq a crane wives song!! and also i think this is the first owen focused analysis ive done for the song thing so im doubly excited!!!

anyways, this song is so painfully owen carvour coded it makes me sick. its about (as im sure you already know) someone who can never be direct or clear about who they are, who is a liar and hardly trusts anyone they're around. who is constantly wearing a mask.

what saf does really cleverly (imo) is creating two characters so unlike each other that you can't directly associate them with each other at all---even if there are hints to the truth. the owen carvour we see in a1p1 is collected, practical, and a bit cocky---he is presented as the "brains" to curts brawn (key word presented im not doing that thing where ppl say that curt was a stupid little dumb dumb who was always being taken care of by owen), the thing that pulls curt back from doing anything too out there. he's calm and rational throughout most of a1p1 until his plans are blown to bits. but the dma is the opposite. he's quick to anger and explosively violent, big and burly and nowhere near as put together as owen seems. he kills for no reason, acts on the spot without much plan, and is so drastically different from the man curt knew intimately for years that he cant recognise him.

and i do think that this completely different persona wasn't just a role, for owen. that in a way, it was an outlet. an escape from being the person who had been hurt as brutally as he was, something to help him to cope with the trauma. but i also think that this isn't his first time disappearing into a role so completely. like owen says himself, he could've been actor, but (supposedly) chose to use his talents in combination with his interest in foreign policy. i believe that as a spy, this was his greatest asset---his ability to play pretend.

so obviously, i can't help but associate these lines with him, especially considering his "roles" as a spy probably hurt a lot of people.

i keep my closet free of skeletons 'cause i'm much better at digging graves

i've gotten good at making up metaphors i've gotten good at stretching the truth out of shape and all these words are sweet and meaningless you can't trust a single thing i say

but to me, that's not all. for owen, i don't think it's just that he plays a role really well, and the moment his job is over he goes back to being himself. i think that he inhabits a mask even when he's supposed to be himself.

even after his reveal---even when owen is supposedly acting as himself, instead of playing up that role, its... very performative, as well. at first, he presents himself as uncaring, smug, completely detached from what he and curt had. he casually ribs curt about his very real grief and guilt over the past four years, pokes curts insecurities by describing him as a foolish, bumbling idiot who was never as good of a spy as owen was, "im going to have dinner with my NEW FRIENDS now" *dramatic hair flip.* this version of owen we see holds nothing but deep contempt for who curt is, and everything he represents. there is nothing complicated about it---his recklessness nearly killed him, and now that he has the chance he wants simple revenge.

but when we get to the staircase scene, both of them are worn out over (i think?) days of travel. and curt, desperate and still unravelling because of this new revelation, and he pleas with owen in a way that hits home. and we see him break from that controlled anger that he shows to the group when he first reveals himself. we hear the violent pain in his voice when he says they can't just go back to how things were, hear the trembling way he tells curt that whatever they had has died. that there's no saving them. we hear that it mattered, to him. we hear the grief.

and then curt kills him.

owen was an actor---not just in his work, but in his life. because he feels so much, cares so much, and he knew that vulnerability of his could be exploited. he knew that to trust anyone---to show the truth of himself, to give himself away the way he did with curt---was to set himself up for hurt. and after surviving all that he did, both as a spy and as a child growing up in WWII-era london, he couldn't let that happen again.

but i always dig up bones in your sympathy i can't trust a single thing you say

don't look too hard, 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me

i know that a lot of my analysis for the two of them is that "they both hid their vulnerabilities because they were gay men in the 1950s" but like. it's true. it does make up a significant part of their lives, and probably defined a lot of how they express themselves and acted at the time. and there's something to be said about the association of emotion with femininity---how owen presents himself as this logical, controlled character, traits typically associated with masculinity---whereas the sentimentality and love and emotion that he experienced because of curt is something that deviates from that reason. how owen probably tried his best to squash out his feeling, because he knows that being seen as something other than a traditional man is basically being seen as queer, because he was raised to be ashamed of it.

he put up so many walls and wore so many masks---to protect himself from that prosecution, and to protect himself from letting his emotions run the risk killing him. not that it worked lmao

tldr; this man cannot say anything directly and has more layers than a fucking onion, and i am incredibly normal about him.

[clickoly]

(super late) @oknutzy-week-2024 Day 5!

Thank you for the fantastic prompts and the amazing fest. And, of course, thank you to @lumosinlove for these wonderful characters.

Here’s the fifth part of Starboys, a Cubs Formula One AU.

Prompts: Party, Surprise visit

Links to: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Ao3

•••

Down for the ride

Leo had lost count of the number of planes he’d taken in the past months, always on the run for any opportunity to fly home to his family, or just to follow the team around. But it was never on a private jet—much to the dismay of his miles-long legs—or with such good company.

According to the radar on screen, they were flying over Kuala Lumpur. A quick look out the window took Leo's breath away, stunned by the still disbelieving feeling of being on top of the world, with the sun sinking behind an endless field of cottony clouds. 

It looked like the sunset in Milan had a couple of weeks earlier—warm and magical—from a terrace overlooking the skyline of an already quiet city. That night, they were supposed to attend the annual party in Monza after the Italian Grand Prix, but Logan had come up with a better plan to celebrate his victory, and perhaps to cheer Finn up a bit. 

They had ended up in the fanciest bar Leo had ever set foot in, tucked away at a table out of sight, bathed in the late summer breeze that pleasantly cooled the open space. Leo had felt pampered and maybe out of place, but never within their conversations and their warm smiles. Not with Logan reassuring him that he deserved all that and more, nor with Finn making him feel freer than ever before, in a way he’d never experienced with someone he barely knew.

Finn O’Hara, whose Italian was fluent enough to order the finest wines Leo had ever tasted, and to chat casually with a group of fans they had run into—who had also congratulated Logan and Leo on the good race.

Finn, who was now relaxed in the chair opposite him, obviously lost in the pages of his book, barely moving from time to time, except to push his glasses up his freckled nose.  

When Leo glanced at him furtively, their eyes met, and so did their smiles.

"Everything okay?" Finn said.

Leo tilted his head and peeked across the aisle at Logan. "Does he always sleep this much?"

Logan was wrapped in a very warm looking blanket, long since fallen into a deep sleep. Finn's laugh was teasing, but he was looking at Logan with nothing but affection. 

Leo had seen that look before. Never in public, where insatiable eyes were constantly on the hunt—for an autograph, a selfie in the best case, otherwise ready to catch a breaking scoop. It had been there the night before, back in Leo's humble apartment, where they had all sheltered after an exhausting day at the Silver factory.

I'll get something good for dinner, Finn had offered. I got you.

Leo had seen Finn wearing new shades of that lopsided smile, so private, something he probably kept to himself and the few he trusted. How he got lucky enough to witness it, Leo couldn't say.

"Rarely," Finn answered his question. "We usually have very strict routines for flights like this one, so we don't get jet lagged."

"And which one of you is breaking the rules today?"

Finn pointed a finger in Logan's direction. "The baby will get all grumpy at the party if he doesn't nap." 

That made Leo giggle, but then something urgent and completely unrelated came out of his mouth. "Thank you, Harzy."

Finn's face lost its playfulness, but it was nonetheless bright when he hummed questioningly.

"I don't know..." Leo laughed softly. "I'm just... happy. Yeah. Glad I met you two."

Leo didn't know what surprised him more. He had imagined Finn making a joke, telling him that he was being silly. He certainly hadn't expected to see him still, his cheeks turning a soft shade of pink as he tried to mouth words he apparently couldn't let go of.

"Oh boy," Leo's jaw dropped. He raised an eyebrow at Finn's flattered look. "Did I just leave Finn O'Hara speechless?"

Silently, Finn closed his book and sat up straighter, shaking his head dramatically. "Nutty, Nutty, Nutty..."

"That's me."

Finn leaned his elbows on the tray table between them, his brown eyes—beautifully bruising—locked with Leo's blue. "There's no way you can shut me up," he said, dead serious. "You'll never stand a chance."

"Is that a challenge?" Leo bit back.

Finn shot him a sly wink, "Please, be my guest."

Leo didn't miss a beat. He mirrored his position, dizzy head supported by his hands, impossibly close to Finn's impassive face. 

Could Finn see his fast pulse pounding hard against his throat or was it just a feeling? 

"Looking forward to it, O'Hara.”

A moment passed, filled only by the insistent roar of the plane's engines. And then they burst out laughing, so uncontrollably that Leo had to wipe tears from his own eyes as he leaned back in the seat. He watched as Finn muffled his loud laughter behind big, strong hands, shoulders still shaking as he tried to control himself.  

"What the hell are you laughing at?" a sleepy voice grumbled, and a flying pillow hit Leo's head. 

"Ouch," Leo laughed louder. 

Logan groaned from where he was propped on one forearm, his dark curls a mess, glaring at them with just one half-open eye. "Weirdos." 

"C'mon Sleeping Beauty." Finn reached out to grab the pillow from Leo's lap and tossed it back to Logan. "It's almost time for Nut's first night out in Singapore." 

It was another one of Leo's dreams to cross off the list.

In less than an hour, he'd be wandering the busy streets of Marina Bay, the same ones that once a year were transformed into a spectacular circuit—probably Leo's favorite on the calendar.

It was captivating in so many ways. The race was held at night, on a track that wound its way through downtown Singapore with a combination of low and high speed corners, making it one of the most twisty and challenging for the drivers—and exciting for the spectators to watch.

Leo wondered if it would look like it did on TV, a spectacle of lights from the city skyline and the circuit itself, painting a stunning backdrop against the dark sky.

"Oh sweetheart," Eloise Knut cooed over the phone. "I bet it's going to be even better than you ever imagined. I'm so proud of you."

Leo's lips curled into a smile, pure and wistful. "Wish you were here."

"We miss you too, honey," she said softly. "Time’s not moving fast enough. How long till Austin? Two weeks?"

"Yeah," the excitement in her voice made Leo laugh. "I can't wait."

"Ready for tonight?" his dad nearly shouted. Leo could picture them sitting together at the kitchen counter, the phone on speaker at full volume.

"I think so." Leo gazed at himself in the mirror of his hotel room. Unruly curls aside—still drying after a much-needed shower—Leo thought he looked good. He ran a hand down the silky white button-down, tucked neatly into his tailored navy pants. The sleeves were loose on his wrists, and Leo reached down to button the cuffs, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder to free his hands. "I'm just waiting for Logan to text me when he's ready."

"Logan, as in... Logan Tremblay," Eloise guessed.

Leo felt caught off guard. "Yes?"

There was a pause. "Huh."

"What?" Leo crouched down near the suitcase to find the bow tie. 

"Oh, nothing," she said casually. "Nothing, sweetheart."

"Mama."

"Have fun tonight," Eloise subtly avoided the topic. "And send me some pictures!"

Leo's deep sigh was a bit exasperated. He had told them everything about the last few weeks, about having Finn and Logan over for dinner. He had been thrilled to even say out loud that he had friends he felt he could trust, and talk to endlessly. But something in that huh hinted that she had clearly sensed more than that.

"I love you both." He let it all slide. It wasn't the right time, and frankly, he wasn't even sure what to say. "I'll call you soon."

–

Singapore Airlines was hosting an exclusive Grand Prix opening party. Big sponsors usually meant big events, and people were already speculating about all kinds of crazy things online.

"Marketing strategies," Logan explained. They stepped out of his car, provided by the team for the week—a recently released gem from Silver Motors, artfully customized in matte green to match the colors of Logan's racing helmet. With a quick smile and a confident nod, Logan handed the keys to the valet and led Leo to the grand entrance of the venue. "It's basically a business meeting," he said. "A shit ton of handshakes, pictures for the print..."

"Yeah, with an open bar, tremendous food, music and friends..." Leo scoffed. "It can't be that awful."

Logan was about to reply when he froze on the spot. A redhead, who Leo swore looked like Finn, was walking toward them, arm in arm with a girl. Bronze skin, chocolate brown waves tied up perfectly in a high ponytail. Leo knew it when she was close enough, as thick, long lashes fluttered open to reveal emerald green eyes. Logan's.

"Ugh, the enemies are here," the man's snarky remark was punctuated by a familiar grin, earning him a quick slap on the shoulder from his companion.  

"That's my little brother you're talking about, O'Hara."

Her accent, also Logan's.

"Okay, what's going on?" Logan huffed an incredulous laugh.

"Salut," the girl leaned forward to press a tender kiss to Logan's cheek before holding out her hand to Leo. "We finally meet," she said warmly. "I'm Noelle, Logan's–"

"Sister, yeah," Leo laughed bashfully. "Leo Knut, it's a pleasure to meet you." Leo's gaze shifted to a stubbled, freckled face and golden brown eyes. "And you must be..."

"Alex," the redhead shook his hand firmly. "I'm the better-looking O'Hara."

Well… Not exactly true, Leo thought. But he clearly had a point.

"What are you doing here?" Logan playfully shoved Alex. "Why didn't you tell us you were coming?"

"Supportive sibling duties, Tremblay," Alex threw an arm around Logan's shoulder. "And we haven't been to a race together in ages."

That made Logan smile. "What about the tickets? How did you–"

"Celeste," Noelle said as if it meant something obvious. "She arranged everything, of course. It was very short notice, and we thought..." She and Alex exchanged a meaningful look. "We thought we should make it a surprise."

Leo watched Alex's jaw clench, a hard, bitter bite on the inside of his cheek. He swallowed hard before asking, "Where's Fish?"

"He just texted me," Logan put his phone back in his pocket. "He's waiting inside." 

Finn's expression was priceless when they found him. He broke off his conversation with James and his wife Lily mid-sentence and, in the blink of an eye, his eyebrows knitted together, a gleaming grin spread across his face, eyes wide, and then his lips quivered slightly as he all but threw himself into his brother's waiting arms. A couple of flashes lit up the dim room, greedily capturing the moment.

They got less than ten minutes of peace before a woman in a fitted black jumpsuit and high heels came to fetch Logan and Finn, asking for a quick interview with a representative from Richard Mille, one of the few sponsors they shared.

Leo looked between Alex and Noelle and smiled nervously. He wasn't sure what to do, he didn't want to be rude. Was he intruding? He probably should have left them alone.

But Alex wouldn't let him.

"The man of the moment," he said, placing a firm hand on Leo's shoulder. "Let's get something to drink, shall we?" 

Soft jazz and low yellow lights warmed the ambience. Waiters danced around groups of chatting people, flawlessly carrying full trays of gold-filled crystal glasses. 

Smooth tequila burned its way down Leo's throat. The zesty smell of lime and the rough grains of salt between his lips brought back bittersweet memories of fading tastes on his mouth that Leo rushed to wash away with another swig of his Margarita. 

When, when, when would he finally let it go? 

Meet me later, Le?

Alex and Noelle sat on the L-shaped couch across from him. They both looked stunning, Alex in his dark blue suit, tie already gone, and Noelle in a white halterneck dress that made her tan skin glow. Straight out of a James Bond movie, the two of them. And Leo didn't quite know what to do with himself. 

"Okay, I'm gonna tell you this in confidence," Alex began. "I know I'm supposed to be on the other team's side, but..." He sipped at his whiskey, dark and neat, and leaned forward to put the glass back on the small marble table between them. "That call in Monza? Fucking amazing, man."  

"Mhm," Noelle agreed. She nodded over the rim of her glass of sparkling wine. "And how you managed to get Lolo to listen to you, now that I'd really like to know." 

"He's got a reputation, huh?" Lolo. Leo couldn't help but laugh, face burning, remembering all the times he'd heard Logan's voice on TV, the scratchy team radios, making it a point to show his disagreement with any team strategy he didn't approve of. 

"You bet," a wry grin curled her full, red lips.

"You work in motorsports too, right?" Leo asked Alex. He was pretty sure he'd read his name on some article about the recent 24 Hours of Le Mans. "How come you chose the WEC instead of Formula One?" 

"Oh, y'know..." Alex breathed out a weak laugh, eyes dark, just as Noelle turned to look at him. "Right opportunity at the right time," he smiled at Leo. "Fish always insists, but... Maybe someday. For now, I enjoy being able to sleep in my bed for more than a week a month." 

Curiosity got the better of Leo, and the three of them ended up discussing the ins and outs of the World Endurance Championship, getting fascinating insights from the perspective of a front-page journalist. Alex seemed as caught up in the conversation as Leo was, telling him stories about his experiences in a way that reminded Leo of Finn, ever so enthusiastic when talking about something he loved.

Leo sank into their tales, too distracted to notice two blond heads moving in their direction. He caught Natalie's smirk just as she stood two steps away from the couch, behind Alex's back. 

"So you actually listen to me, Freckle," she said as she reached out to pinch at Alex's waist. "I told you that blue would suit–" 

Alex turned and Natalie went pale. 

"...you. Jesus Christ." Her eyes widened comically, and a dark flush quickly spread from her cheeks down to her bare collarbones. She blinked twice, lips moving tentatively, until she called out in a barely there voice to Kasey, who was behind her, biting his bottom lip to suppress a full blown laugh. "Babe?" 

Alex stared at her, suddenly speechless. Noelle had her eyes on Kasey, her mouth drawn into a thin line. 

"Yes?" Kasey managed. 

"There's two of them." 

Kasey let himself laugh. "Just the wrong O'Hara, hon." The tension of the moment broke when Alex let out an amused laugh that was impossible to resist. He stood, holding out his hand to squeeze hers, and properly introduced himself. 

Then, one in front of the other, Alex and Kasey hesitated. Leo thought they looked lost, and perhaps a little scared. But when Kasey pulled Alex into a tight hug, Leo could read the words you came on Kasey's trembling lips. 

–

It was a roller coaster of emotions. A whole new beginning, new people, possibilities, discoveries. And now this. 

Two sets of beautiful eyes stood out in the crowd, scanning every corner of the room until they found the source of their beaming grins. Two souls forever tied together, impossibly kind, generous. Surreal. 

They moved in sync, elegantly, sharing a swift glance that spoke volumes. And then they were there, right in front of Leo. Strong shoulders pressed together, shiny black and dark green fabrics shimmering in the low light. Surreal.

Having fun without us, Nut?

The music grew louder, people began to move to the improvised dance floor—Alex, Natalie, and Kasey; Remus and Lily; Noelle with a rather flattered Thomas Walker—and Leo felt his world stop, a sudden brake in the middle of a high-speed ride.

Leo wanted to know what analytical, practical or rational thought could explain what was happening to him.

Why did everything feel so easy with those two?

A hard-earned life made of numbers, methodical strategies, and considered decisions, cautious. And now something unknown was pushing Leo to his limits.

"So," he managed to say. "What do you guys feel like?"

Another look, another unspoken agreement. Finn lit up in ten different shades of charm, his signature smirk on his lips, and pressed one hand on Leo's back, the other on Logan's.

Leo had promised himself that he would be careful. He needed things to be under his full control this time.

But there it was, the fire, the rush of adrenaline. This new feeling of sprinting through the narrowest streets at 150 miles per hour and not being in danger.

Leo looked between them, holding his breath.

"Let's go dance," Finn said, and Leo went, full throttle, because it felt right, and he wanted to trust himself more than anything else in the world. 

[our-t4t-experience]

hi Evan! Big fan of what you do on your page. I very recently got a boyfriend who is also a trans man. Do you maybe have any tips on how I can make this relationship last more than a month? (Knowing my luck…)

-🦦(if I ask anything else)

there are some things that are in your control and some things that are out of them. its worth mentioning that if you have been abused before, its more likely that you will either perpetrate those behaviors, or on the flip side, allow people to perpetrate those behaviors against you

in my experience i have had a lot of unstable relationships where the instability wasnt necessarily caused by me (or me alone) as much as it was the other person being abusive to me and me letting it happen

so this advice IS coming from a place of "ive been abused," if this isnt applicable, my apologies

-communication is very important and remembering that people communicate in different (and sometimes incompatible) ways is also very important. you may be extremely direct and dating someone whos a little sensitive. you may want to de escalate an argument by being by yourself and they may want to talk about it. its important to be able to compromise sometimes and for them to compromise sometimes if your communication styles arent aligned. my girlfriend has to be very direct with me because shes learned that while we're both southern and she has learned to approach boundaries and conflict in a passive, sugar coating way, because im autistic, that approach doesnt work, for example

-how do you express love? how does your partner express love? its important to show your love in a way that is fulfilling to you, but its also important to show your love in a way that your partner receives it. ive heard mixed things about the "5 love languages" test but honestly i did the test and it was decently accurate and may be a good start, its also worth noting that neurodivergent people may also express love in different ways than the "norm"

-never stop dating your partner. yall like flowers? get each other flowers! go on cute dates! send each other memes that make you think of the other person! never stopping trying to impress your partner can make for a more fulfilling and exciting long term relationship

-time together, especially later in your relationship, is super important. distance can make the heart grow fonder (trust me, we're long distance lol) but you dont want to be away from them all the time. work and family obligations can make that hard, but having time to yourselves is important, me and caspian sleep together on the phone every night, and thats one of my favorite parts of the day

-specifically trans advice, but your trans partners transition should be a celebration. ive heard from one trans man that you should be responding to your loved ones transition like you would if someone was having a planned and wanted baby, and thats good advice. get excited! get funny with it! get romantic with it! my girlfriends excited for me to get top surgery and that makes me feel very good about my transition

(past this is longer term advice)

-i dont usually like those "3 weeks 3 months 1 year" rule stuff, but in my experience, you can usually tell if youre compatible with someone by 3 months. this is enough time for the "honeymoon phase" to chill out a bit and youre more receptive to their flaws. by some point you should be able to know if these flaws are a dealbreaker (unless youre like me and have a fawn instinct lol), and ive also found that i can tell when a relationship is unhealthy USUALLY by around 3 months, at least in my subconscious

-i knew i wanted to marry caspian by 6 months of us being together, and we're not getting married right now for a couple different reasons mostly boiling down to we're just not ready yet, but id recommend waiting 6 months before you start thinking seriously about a future with this person

-a rule ive had for a long time regarding marriage with anyone is that i want to have lived with them for a full year before we get engaged. i dont live with my girlfriend and wont until probably the end of this year (our 7 months os tomorrow!) but i have lived with a partner and have found that you can find out a lot about a person by living with them for an extended period of time

if i missed anything lmk, anyone else is also free to give advice in the comments (:

[mapleleafsunset]

ive made a horrible discovery the other day and i need to share it with the world. venn diagram of hollyleaf from warrior cats and goro akechi from persona 5.

help. i made this discovery weeks ago and i can't stop thinking about it ever since List of other similarities that i've found since creating this diagram - hollyleaf was nearly named crowkit, so nearly had a name related to crow. - both have fathers who are absent, and rejected them when they found out of their existence - both had the intention to reveal the actions of their parents that they / get back at their parents for something (in hollyleafs case breaking the code, in crows case just. everything about shido ever he fucking sucks) - mothers with suicidal ideation. reread sunrise the other day and realised although Leafpool doesn't go through with it she very heavily implies that the best option for her right now is to eat the deathberries that Hollyleaf presents to her, and only doesn't because she knows Hollyleaf would be unhappy knowing she ended her suffering. - Both have a period of timing acting as an unknown shadowy figure. The black mask, and Hollyleaf's return where it's not known who is helping cats around the clan and they are suspicious of her - theyre both gay. in opposite directions but both of these characters like the same gender as them. - the character who they are most popularly shipped with (being a gay ship) has another ship (which is straight) which is considered more canon. Cinder x Holly vs Lion x Cinder, and Shuake vs literally any ship with the protag that could be canon to playthroughs. - they both kill someone who is technically a teacher (headteacher, and ashfur has been a mentor) - the murders they committed were very much framed to look like an accident (hollyleaf attempted to make it look like ashfur had left the clan by pushing his body into the river so it'd never be found) Also in general the whole presumed dead thing happens in very similar ways. Both characters have a mental breakdown over the actions of their parents, not being able to live up to expectations/public image etc, and lash out at the people closest to them. This is then followed by some physical division being placed between them and the protagonists (the big engine room wall door thingy. and the cave in for hollyleaf), which means that they can't confirm if they were dead.

in conclusion these characters are freakishly similar and i dont know what to do with this information.

[madness-combat-confessions]

Okay idk if this is the most Obvious shit and im just slow or if theres been an ask about this or something but we need to talk about cloning and the AAHW more imo!!

If the thing about sanf and dei being previous members (and i think doc being confirmed?) then that begs many questions. Jeb and tricky were also members and we know their lore as past scientists for nexus and then jeb was "hired" by auditor and tricky too probably but we dont have a direct confirmation afaik but everyone else is just? Vauge?

Like either A) AAHW has people working for it that are not clones like the mass agents and soldats and engineers and they are never mentioned (which would be stupid imo considering how far we are into the story) or B) they are all clones that dissented which for deimos is yk not far fetched considering his poster outright stating it

BUT THEN THAT BEGS THE ISSUE ON HAND. Everyone that ive seen online considers the agents as personality-less fucking creatures and i think even canon says smt like that about them but like.. if a clone can dissent then they probably Arent as bland as they seem. And even that isnt far fetched, i mean they hold birthdays apparently and play games to pass time. How deep does it go? How much will do they have? They seem to be conditioned to never run when Hank aka (almost) certain death is around which is one thing but are they scared of death? Do they have favorite foods and colors? How human (or in this case grunt) are they? Is it just Some of them that have self awareness/personality? Are they coded to have a personality? If yes is it random or set? Would the AAHW bother to code a random persona generator?? Do they perhaps lose more of their indaviduality/humanity as they progress up on the food chain to be soldats or engineers??

Idk i keep seeing agents n shit in fics and stuff be shown as these sometimes mechanical creatures with 0 varying personality and 0 humanity and it makes me heavily wonder about them. Maybe theyre just a bit dumber than average due to being mass cloned? Shrug. I dont know i think theyre more interesting when considered to be actual people than just. Puppets. They are metaphorical and sorta physical puppets yeah but like they held a birthday man. Fuck. They had a birthday.

Agents keep me up at night.

-anon MMS if i can claim that cuz its funny /opt!!

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who also thinks about the AAHW!

I personally think/headcanon that basically everyone in the AAHW is a clone because anyone that could had been an actual real person is dead (lol). And idk how to explain it but from what I've read they lack S-3LFS, but they still are kinda like people? Like they might just appear like mindless clones who only wanna kill Hank, and they are that don't get me wrong, but I think they also still act like people to some extent (or at least some of them)

I mean one of the agents in MC 9.2 had been writing "We are abandoned " on a wall so to me that says they're capable of understanding their situation and feeling sad (?) about it?

Now I'm not sure on the engineers and the soldats, I mean a soldat literally blew a rocket where their team was because they thought their boss had told them to. Which makes me think two things

1: The AAHW is a bit too blindly devoted to the Auditor. Which is probably because they are clones that were made/'programmed' to be that way.

2: I think that the soldats and the engineers have less "free will" than the agents because of the ATP

There's also something else I wanna talk about

This:

Like hello? What the fuck did this guy do?

From my understanding what is considered a dissenter in this series is someone who goes against the Auditor and the agency. So what did this guy even do? Did he try to betray them like Deimos and Doc did?

Or was it perhaps something minor like not doing their job? Like actually make a decision for their own and don't do what the Auditor says for once, like how an actual person would do?

I wanna say that's a stupid reason to kill one if their agents, but it's a possibility: the Auditor is shown to not really take it kindly when people don't do their job, she literally sliced a grunt in half for it. Even though all the grunt did was play cards with some other agents.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case this guy was damned a "dissenter" and killed by the Auditor (or maybe the other members) for that reason.

So taken to account that they are soulless clones but can still 1: celebrate birthdays 2: play games to pass time 3: dislike their shitty ass situation I'd say that they have some personality, it's just that the Auditor is too strict to allow them to show/act like it. Because she doesn't want people with free will in the agency he wants mindless clones who'd do whatever she says.

Does this make sense I swear it does in my head I'm just bad at putting it to words.

[i-sveikata]

Hey author! How are you? I hope the writing is going well! I have a simple but a deep question. Why did Vegas love Pete? I mean besides the obvious attraction, what made Vegas love Pete? What was about him that was so special?

hey anon!!! im good thanks hope you are too!!!

besides the obvious attraction, i think it's actually pretty close to a lot of the reasons pete has previously analysed in the fic as the source of vegas' obsession with him.

but i think the most significant one is pete has seen the absolute worst of vegas, the monster that he believes he is, and is the only person to not flinch away or treat him with disgust or try to kill him for existing. pete accepts him. in a way that everyone else vegas has ever been around or reached out to hasnt. and hes the first one to not turn their back on him- to just give up on vegas because thats the path of least resistance. like yeah of course pete wants some of his behaviours to improve (and they only did so because vegas realised he didnt want the safehouse dynamic- he wanted something real and was actually receptive to that) but hes not trying to intrinsically change vegas as a person.

for someone who has been treated like a monster all of his life, rejected and spurned and hated to have someone see him as he is without judgement or hatred or pity that is an impossibly powerful thing to vegas. like no lie pete literally is a lifeline extended to vegas and even after everything is still here (ive mentioned in past posts that there have been people who have treated vegas kindly throughout his life- the lady who worked in their kitchens before kan fired her for example- but these are all fleeting encounters before his father caught wind and sent them away to keep vegas isolated).

i think after kan's obsession with porsche's mum and how it twisted him up inside he truly believed that love was such a terrible weakness that he wanted to stamp it out of vegas- wanted to convince him not only that he's incapable of love but that anyone else is also incapable of loving him also.

so vegas understanding of himself is a combo of his father's cruelty and how that has shaped his self worth. so the significance of pete- standing alone outside of all of these preconceived beliefs- and proving them wrong by virtue of still sticking around and not fleeing from him. by not rejecting vegas but treating him with compassion along with the expectation that vegas can improve his behaviour and be in a functioning romantic relationship and have emotional and social connections like this when hes been told that nobody would ever willingly choose him.

even if pete is unable to admit to his own feelings, vegas knows enough to pick up on pete's care of him, his intention to treat him gently when nobody else would have ever thought to before. to bring vegas into his home, around his family and trust that vegas can be accepted amongst them. to have saved his little brother without even needing to be asked- pete shoring up vegas' weaknesses and sharing in his burdens in a way that vegas cant write off as obligation (in the same way he might of how deeply macau loves and admires him like vegas self worth can only tie that up into expectation and obligation of blood ties and family- not love). because after all the horrible things hes done to pete, pete would never be obliged to do a single thing for him ever again- so vegas can't convince himself of petes actions being anything but genuine. all of these acts whilst seeming like small things are HUGE for vegas who has never experienced it before.

so essentially pete makes him feel human in a way that he hasnt felt for a ridiculously long time and being with pete is a huge step in the right direction of vegas finally recognising what hes been taught about himself from his father since childhood might not necessarily be true. and being able to understand that hes done monstrous things (which id argue is the most human part of us all even if we dont always act on it) but he can still grow and be better. petes treatment of him is a lifeline for now but his love of pete is something that proves hes capable of more- and also profoundly affects pete in a way that prevents him from dismissing his own value. even after all the horrible things vegas has inflicted on him - hes also having an extremely positive affect on how pete views his treatment of himself too. like vegas is helping to fill in the gaps that pete left in his own life and reasoned that approach was fine i.e the lack of sexual gratification but especially his lack of value in his own life. the pete at the end of this fic will be a pete that would never obediently agree into sending himself to infiltrate an enemy's household with the possibility of being caught and killed. so they really have both negatively and positively made a colossal impact on each other's lives.

i mean i could go on forever about this lol but i'll stop here because this is getting very long hahaha. hope that answers most of your question!

[hyperanaemia]

Sorry, I don't mean to disappear for months, but I've been getting back into reading comics after taking a super long break to play bg3. So, I've finally gotten around to reading the Knight Terrors: Robin issues that have been sitting in my 'to read' box months after they've been relevant. I’m sure everyone else had a bunch to say when it came out but here’s my two cents. 

The issues just really fall flat to me. Like, I wasn't expecting a two-shot to be a deep dive into Tim's dead-dad trauma or anything, but I do feel like it misses what the core fear/horror that surrounds Jack's death is. 

Like, the KT issues posset that what Tim fears the most is failing to save people, with his dad's death being the figurehead of that. That this failure is what makes him unworthy of being Robin. I'm not going to say that isn't true, that reasoning definitely factors into Tim's trauma. But it also just feels basic to me.

Like, 'failing to save a loved one' is one of the most basic superhero tropes at this point. I'd be hard pressed to think of a hero who hasn't failed to save someone they know. It might as well be a rite of passage.  

(In fact, here's a panel of Tim thinking as such about his parents in an issue literally called Rites of Passage.) 

Also, Tim has already had a 'crisis of faith' arc after failing to save someone with the character of Eldon Adams (Young El). It had a very big impact on Tim and the fallout of that lasted for several issues.

Identity Crisis certainly has its flaws and at times I question the need to kill off Jack in the first place. But, to me anyway, Jack's death is beautifully written and manages to tie his and Tim's decades-long storyline off in an interesting way. 

The important point to make about Tim in relation to all this is that he chooses to be Robin. He was never picked, he was never fated, he was not born to do it. Robin is something he actively chooses to be. At first, it's an easy choice to make. Tim reasons that since his parents are off doing their own thing it won’t be an issue if he’s gone all the time. But, as time goes on, Jack starts spending more time at home, wanting to spend more time with Tim. The issue "resolves" in this instance by having Jack's time get taken up when he starts dating Dana Winters. But this tension continues to be a major subplot throughout Tim’s series. Tim and Jack’s already strained relationship is constantly made worse by Robin.     

Tim feels guilty that his duty as Robin keeps getting in the way of his relationships. Tim's friends like Ives and Ariana are constantly stood up or brushed aside. Anything that ties Tim to the normal life he used to have is always being balanced against Robin. And for as much as Tim tries to maintain it, for as much as he says his normal life is what keeps him grounded when push comes to shove Tim always ends up choosing Robin.  

The thing that makes Jack's death different from all the other parental deaths in the Batfam, and the Identity Crisis did right, is that they made it a direct consequence of Tim choosing to be Robin. Bruce's parents were killed at random. Dick's were targeted in a situation outside of his control. Jason's mother was killed for her involvement with the Joker, which started before he even met her (and his dad with Two-Face).  

Jack was killed because his son was Robin. In Identity Crisis, Jean Loring targets the family members of heroes. She never would have hired Captain Boomerang to kill Jack if Tim wasn't Robin.  

(Obviously, none of this is to minimize any of these characters' pain or to say one is worse than another.)   

The added twist of the knife is that Tim had been spending that week with Jack instead of helping everyone find the killer. It's the one night that Tim chooses to go out as Robin again that Jack is killed. If Tim had stayed just one more night, even just one more hour, he could have saved his dad. And Jack lets him go because he knows how important Robin is to Tim.

This is more of an aside, I love this sequence of Tim ripping off his Robin uniform. Like obviously the intention is that Tim can't be seen wearing it when the police arrive. But the subtext to me reads that Tim is ripping Robin off, this thing that's come between them at every moment. Tim, before he even knows if Jack is alive or dead, doesn't want Robin to come between them anymore.

And Jack's death is something of a 'point of no return' for Tim. Before this, many of the people who know Tim is Robin have pointed out that he could always return to a normal life if he wanted to. Tim himself believes that he'll probably retire being Robin at some point. (I have my own thoughts that aren't relevant here about how that's more about him being practical as opposed to his genuine wish for his future, but I digress.) But after this, Tim is locked into the vigilante life. There's nothing normal he could return to. If he can’t be good at this, then what was the point? 

KT Robin just feels uninspired. It doesn't try to extract what makes Jack's death unique or interesting. It just picks the most surface-level takeaway you could have from it. Like, it's not just about being not good enough for the job. It's losing everything because you chose to do this job and you still don't know if you're good enough to do it.