#ive overwhelmed myself by rereading what I wrote

[sereniv]

Not a terf genuinely asking

Anon ask: if trans women aren't male what are they transitioning from

EDIT: Buckle up this is long. but i hope i was able to answer the question?

Ill reply about trans women but this obviously applies to other trans people too (myself included)

It can be complicated when it comes to sex and gender and what science says and what different societies believe.

Because science says "We have common combinations (what western society says is biological male/female) but there are also less common yet still significant combinations (intersex people/and others) that happen that boils down to male and female being a social construction rather than a biological truth"

And our society says "I lack the education and experience of those who fit outside what i believe is male and female, therefor i have a hard time being open to said education and experience. This is mainly because of colonization, white supremacy, and corruption (bigotry) in science.

So gender, how one presents ones self, gender roles, sex- the way we categorize these things are limiting, because it is a fact that not everyone fits in those boxes

Not to mention the more accepted trans, intersex, and other people who fit outside societies idea of male and female, the more we will see that its not small minority of people. They are not anomalies.

So what is a male? Society says its someone with XY chromosomes exclusively. Society also likes to say that someone born with a penis is male, someone with higher testosterone.

Science says, that there are people with different types of chromosomes makeup like xxy or xy females. People who have a penis but also a uterus. Someone with testicles and a vagina. Whos chromosomes can vary

And we still put them in boxes, and for intersex people that can mean invasive sex changing procedures without their consent.

No one is looking into what chromosomes people have, they just look at a childs genitals and decide by the vagina or length of penis/clitoris

So societies idea of male is limited and even new. Sciences idea is naturally complex, but there can still be bias within the community (as there is racism, sexism, etc)

So a trans women born with a penis and xy chromosomes. Society says shes male, science might put her in the category of male.

So to many, and maybe even to herself, a trans woman can transition from male. A sterotypical common combination of what one considers Male.

But what I like to think of in general, is that we should be born as people. A baby. A baby with a penis, a baby with xy chromosomes But what about male is so important?

Because when we say that one is attracted to men, usually what comes to mind is someone with a penis. But what if a man was born with a deformity, and has no penis? Or had to have it removed due to some disease.

Is he now not a man? Because some people (terfs) would move back to chromosomes, yet you dont know for sure what someones chromosomes are when you date

so what really makes a man?

Is it the roles one has? or the socialization? That changes from place to place from era to era.

So it comes down to, a human person with traits that typically are boxed together and labled Male.

We are born babies. and we should be taught the same values regardless of our genitals, and we should be allowed to wear whatever color or clothing style we want.

It all comes down to the difference between Male and Female can be vast and it can be the same and it depends on who you ask

So a trans women might feel that she used to me a man. That she was born a boy, and felt like a boy, up until she didnt. Realizing that the way she saw herself was different than how society sees her. And thus begins her transition from her definition and reality as Male, to her definition, and reality as a Woman.

On the other hand, maybe you have a trans women who was born a girl, but no one else saw it that way. And so by her definition and reality as a girl, transitions to what fits. Aka: She changes her name or goes on hormones or gets surgery or changes clothes or even just changes pronouns. Until she feels that it reflects how she percieves herself

Because at the end of the day, cis women can be hairy, they can be butch, they can have muscles and angles, some have no uterus some have no reproductive organs at all, etc.

But because people want to define womenhood by trauma experience, it warps into white christian view of what a woman is, which ends up targeting poc and intersex people.

What should define womanhood is euphoria. The fight for being a woman. Not trauma, but togetherness. And acknowledging that what society says is a woman is not a fact. Not by science, but more importantly not by reality

So yeah, sometimes trans women do transition from men. And sometimes they simply transition into what they need to be percieved as to thrive emotionally and mentally

Also something i forgot is socialization and the patriarchy. Terfs like to claim that trans women grow up male, but fail to understand that if applied to other scenarios it falls apart and just really isnt an argument

For example. Someone who grows up with heterosexuality everywhere, isnt socialized as straight, they are socialized with homophobia.

Even someone who might grow up a boy and identifies their past self as male, should not have to define the person they are today

Theres a lot of things we grow up with in this society, bigotry being one of them. This doesnt mean you grow up a bigot, but you grow up with it like on tv. All it takes is realization of predjudices or ignorance, to change how you view and interact with things

so a trans woman who identifies her born self as male, and so was technically socialized as male, doesnt mean that that is an inherent truth to her person. Because once she realizes that "Hey, actually I think im a girl" her mind has already started experiencing the constriction that is transphobia and transmisogyny. She notices bias that include her now.

Just because you are socialized one way doesnt mean it sticks, but it also doesnt define you, or doesnt have to be. Also socialization is complicated and has a lot of factors in it like how someone was brought up. did society socialize them or the parents or both etc etc.

Gender Euphoria will always top connecting gender through trauma. Because not every gendered trauma is the same.

Black women historically and now have had a very different experience than white women when it comes to misogyny, sexism, or even being seen as human let a lone a "proper" woman.

And historically, when white women were trying to gain rights they left out black women. so their womanhood is not the same pain and trauma and experience.

Thats why misogynoir as a term exists. Because the trauma that they face is different from the trauma that other poc face or white people. And that is just like the tip of the iceberg.

So instead, i think womanhood should be based in positive connection. That doesnt mean womanhood is always positive. but it means that the relation to each other is based off of euphoric sense of gender. If it feels like home, then your a woman.

Womanhood should be fighting for women, whoever may fit under that. Not truama as a whole (since everyones is different), but collective pride. It should be hearing being refered to as a woman and feeling joy and connection.

And what makes that different from any gender? you can just say anything and now youre it?

Thats whats so great about it. Its widening the spectrum of identity, yet still keeping connections under common frameworks.

Example: a cis woman, being happy and comfortable, resonates with other women in all forms, and is proud of who she is. Then shes looking around and she sees the cis men, and that community is nice but woman still feels at home.

then she sees the trans men. same thing, shes not a man shes a woman. Then she sees the nonbinaries, and that kind of calls to her

And suddenly, she has one foot in the woman community and one in the nonbinary. She now has a new community that she feels euphoria with and fights with but she is still a woman. She is both. Seperately and as one. And really only something she can experience, but she sees other women in front of her, experincing the same thing except in their own unique way.

And shes allowed this because she has oppened herself up to defining her version of womanhood without changing others, and if she had closed herself off and defined womanhood by her genitals or what she looked like or even the pain of descrimination, there would be people excludes from her idea of what the community should consist of, and then she would never feel that euphoria

and to only fight for one portion of womanhood. because once youve got equal marriage, gotten rid of sexism, then there are still racism left. theres still intersex people. you leave other women out of the fight because all of them isnt welcome in your definition.

if that makes sense

I am WAY off track lol I am very adhd and autistic. even reading this back its barely coherent so sorry. someone translate for me lol

but yeah, trans women transition from their former selves, to their current selves. And i dont think theres any point to looking any further than that

A trans woman is a woman, because that is how she percieves herself. Holds herself. How she connects with other women. Her experience of womanhood is inherent, because she is a woman.

[elderberries-and-honey]

hey idk if youve answered this but whats ur writing process like? im think of doing a story like decades challenge but ive never anything outside of gameplay really. also how far in advance do you plan is it like this gen or gens in the future? sorry for rambling

Hello! First, you don't ever have to apologize for rambling to me; I love a good ramble! And second, if you're wanting to do the decades challenge, I suggest going for it! It has really helped me find a medium to channel my love for writing and learn history along the way.

To answer your second question of how far in advance I plan, I do plan multiple generations at once. I have a basic outline from 1890 to the mid 1920's already planned out, and this includes Ozzy, Atticus and future children and most of the side characters as well like Beth, Millie and Valerie.

As for my process, it's a little more in-depth and I use a website called Milanote for note taking and tracking birthdays and Google Docs for a bigger spreadsheet and writing the story.

Sometimes I have the full scene already written out in advance, but most of the time, it will be few sentences to get the juices flowing or something I wrote down at a different time. I write small things all the time, like little pieces of dialogue, or a good prose that I don't want to forget.

I personally need to see what the scene will look like before I write it out. Mostly because if I write something, and then can't find a pose for it, I get frustrated. So I shoot the scene first, edit the photos, put them into a Tumblr draft, and then finish the writing with the photos there for me to look at. Lately, I've been taking a few photos and then the rest of the scene comes to me while I'm shooting, so I stop taking photos and write it down before I forget.

Anyway, once all the photos are taken and the first draft is finished, I copy and paste what I've just written into my Google Docs. From there, I let it do it's grammar / spell check thing (mostly because I have it set to British-English so I want to catch American spellings of things and change them for me), reread it and put it back into the draft on Tumblr.

After that, I read the scene outloud back to myself. This helps me catch any weird grammar errors that the computer missed, or any repetitive use of a word & then I replace them (I have an extension that looks for synonms for me). I also just feel reading it outloud back to yourself, helps you read it like it's a story vs you just like...saying what's happening, if that makes sense? Like if I'm finding myself bored just by saying it outloud, it will probably be boring to read.

I do this multiple times over before I decide I'm satisfied, and I usually do it one more time before I publish the post. After I like what I've written, I copy and paste that back into my Google Doc because I consider this "my hard copy".

There is also a lot more organization that goes into it than just this, so if you want to know how I organize things, I'd be happy to explain that as well. It's a lot of spreadsheets and notetaking, but you don't have to do that if you don't want to.

And, this is just what works for me, I can't stress that enough! Other people write the scene before they shoot, and that's perfectly fine too. My process has changed overtime and it's taken a bit of trial and error, but this is just what feels the most natural for me.

I hope this helps somewhat and isn't too overwhelming. You can always do more gameplay than writing if that's what works for you, or build a story with gameplay. So don't let this scare or intimidate you! Either way, good luck with your decades challenge!

[cupid-styles]

Bestie prepare to be SICK of me, I want all the answers!!

🫓, 🍛, 🍱, 🍥, 🍙, and 🥮

Hehe so sorry

I could literally never get sick of you!!!!!! ty for so many questions hehehe ily!

🫓 What is your most popular fic?

off the top of my head I honestly have no idea but I thiiiink it's tattoorry!!!

🍛 Have any comments, tags or reactions to one of your fics every made you laugh or cry or both?

omg YES!!! I don't think they've ever made me cry before but I definitely get really sentimental and overwhelmed when people compliment my writing! and I have laughed at sooo many silly things people say

🍱 Do you read your own fics?

yes lmao I don't know if this is vain of me but I actually reread my writing all the time!! for one, sometimes I can't even really remember what happened in a fic I wrote if it's been awhile so I like to go back and remind myself. but I also really enjoy seeing the growth — even from when I started posting fic on here in august of last year, I feel like I've gotten a lot better at writing from doing it so consistently!

🍥 What's your favorite fic you've written?

hmmMmmMMMM.........it used to be 70s h because I did a ton of research on the lingo since I wanted it to be as accurate as possible! these days I think it's either tattoorry (bc I feel like it's the most full fledged plot ive ever written/created and im still pleased with how I wrote the resolution) or late night talking (nerdrry x camgirl!y/n) bc I still love their dynamic even months after writing it!

🍙 Is there a fic you wish had gotten more attention?

OOOO!!! to be honest I don't think so! from the first fic I posted on here (70s h) I was shocked that it got as much attention as it did because I was essentially starting from scratch with no readership or anything. I'm sometimes surprised by what does really well vs what doesn't, but I'm always really grateful to anyone who cares to read or reblog my writing!

🥮 Do you have any writing milestones you're working toward?

tbh no!! creative writing on here and in my personal life is a hobby. I would love to write a novel one day but im not sure I have the self discipline for it esp because I work 9-5! I think I'd like to keep it as something I enjoy doing just for me :) if anything I'd just love to journal more I think lol

[kirishimaswife2819]

Them Comforting Their S/o During a Panic Attack || Midoriya, Bakugou, and Todoroki

Masterlist

Pairings: Izuku Midoriya x Reader, Katsuki Bakugou x Reader, and Shoto Todoroki x Reader

Requested by Anonymous: hi :) brief warning for: mentions of depression, social anxiety, panic attacks and tics in a few days i start school irl again, and i have severe depression and social anxiety which makes it a living hell for me because i get 0 support from anyone🙂 my friends tell me to get over myself, but they really dont understand how hard it is since i found out we were going back ive been having panic attacks and more aggressive tics, if it isn’t too troublesome may i please have bakugo, todoroki and deku (you can cut deku if its too much) comforting their s/o after a bad panic attack? if you aren’t comfortable writing this, i understand, have a nice day and be good to yourself❤️ thank you in advance

Word Count: 1k

Warnings: Panic attacks

A/n: Okay, so I generally upload requests in the order that receive them in, but I felt like you’d probably want this done before you actually went back to school. I did a bit of research on panic attacks, because I don’t have much experience with them, so I hope I represented it accurately. And as I am now rereading this request I realized that you requested them comforting you afterwards (I wrote it as during instead of afterwards) but I wrote the whole thing before realizing that, so I hope that’s fine (if it isn’t then just send in another request and I’ll get it done asap, I’m just a dumbass who clearly can’t read right). Also, get new friends, your current ones sound kind of sucky. Another thing, if you ever need to vent or anything like that, you can message me, I don’t mind, I’m not the best at giving advice (maybe I am idk), but I’m a good listener. Other than that, thanks for requesting! I hope you enjoy these! -Danielle <3

Izuku Midoriya:

Throughout your relationship, Izuku has done a ton of research on panic attacks and how to help (he has a few notebook pages on it), and he really worries if he finds out that you had one and he wasn’t around to help, so he stays by your side as often as possible, unless you tell him that you want him to do otherwise

You have previously told him a few things that lead to a panic attack for you and he tries his best to help you avoid any setting that may trigger a panic attack, but even he’s not perfect, and he can’t stop a certain trigger

Izuku was trying to calm himself down, as he watched you begin to panic, he knew this wasn’t about him, and he mentally scolded himself for starting to panic, because he thought that he had no right to panic when you’re the one having a full on panic attack

After he sees the first tear fall from your eyes, he’s immediately snapped back into reality and he’s speaking to you

“May I hold you, Y/n?” He asked, and when you nodded, he pulled you into his arms

His face grew red at the action, but he had no time to spare being embarrassed or flustered, not when you were in this state

“I want to help you, Y/n. Will you let me help you?”

After he heard a small but loud enough to hear, “Yes” he spoke again

“Okay, just breathe, alright? It’s going to be okay, you’ll be fine. Here, breathe will me. I’m right here.”

It took a bit of effort, and a lot of comforting, but eventually Izuku had managed to calm you down and your breathing slowly returned to normal

After a few minutes of letting you get used to breathing normally and not being in a panic attack, Izuku kissed your cheek and spoke again, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m alright, Izuku. Thank you.”

Katsuki Bakugou:

Okay, so if it would have been anybody else, he would have told them to fuck off and get over it themselves, but he just couldn’t stand seeing you so upset and panicking

He’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do, since he’s not the best at comforting, but he couldn’t just stand there when you started having a panic attack during class

He was freaking out and he was doing a very poor job at hiding it, he had no idea what to do

He probably would have continued panicking if Izuku didn’t yell at him, “Kacchan, help them! They wouldn’t want anybody else to.”

Katsuki just sort of approached you as you were panicking in your seat, while some students were trying to comfort you verbally, but it wasn’t helping much, and he helped you stand, before leading you out of the room

Once you were out in the hallway, Katsuki had you sit down, and he held your hands, trying to think of what he should

He remembered you telling him about panic attacks and you had almost told him what to do if you ever had one, but somebody interrupted and the two of you forgot about it

“Hey, it’s okay,” he finally said, “I’m right here. You’re safe. Do you want me to hold you?”

After a nod of approval through your sobs, he pulled you into his arms and held you there for a while

He rested his head on top of yours and whispered things along the lines of “It’ll all be okay” or “Just breathe with me” to you

He ignored everybody that happened to be walking by, that stared at the two of you

“Are you alright now?” Katsuki questioned, moving his head to the side so he could see your expression

Your breathing had calmed down and you weren’t sobbing anymore, just trying to calm down and catch your breath

“I think so,” you replied

“Okay, let’s just stay here for a minute, okay?” 

“Okay.”

Shoto Todoroki:

After you told him that you had panic attacks, he did his research on them, so that he could help you if he needed to

He works really hard to figure out what triggers a panic attack for you, and he works hard to avoid you having a panic attack, but things still happen

You had just been hanging out with Midoriya, Uraraka, and Tsuyu, when you suddenly starting having trouble breathing

“Y/n, are you okay?” Uraraka asked, being the closest to you, and the first person to notice your breathing, gaining the attention of Tsuyu and Midoriya

Midoriya’s eyes went wide when he heard your breathing, and saw tears starting to stream down your cheeks, “I think they’re having a panic attack.”

“What do you need, Y/n?” Uraraka asked, turning to you

“Shoto,” you replied, barely processing the question, but you did, “I need S-Shoto.”

“Tsu, can you go get Todoroki?” Uraraka asked, as she comfortingly ran her hand up and down your arm

Tsuyu got up and left, after confirming that she would do it, before going to find Shoto

She found him training with some of the other boys, and told him what was going on, and he immediately started towards your room, where Uraraka and Midoriya were attempting to calm you down

Immediately after entering, Shoto approached you and Uraraka and Midoriya backed up to give you two some space

“I’m here now, love,” Shoto said, “Can you hear me?”

Once you nodded, he turned to the other people in the room and gestured for them to leave

They were hesitant to leave, but they did, leaving you and Shoto alone

You were sitting on the bed, and Shoto was kneeling on the floor in front of you, holding your hands

“It’s okay, I’m here, you’re safe, can you try to breathe with me?”

You nodded and tried to match his breathing, and he comforted you as you started to calm down, and come back from the panic attack

Once your breathing had calmed, you spoke, “I’m okay now.”

After hearing those words, Shoto immediately engulfed you in a huge hug, which he would have done previously, but he didn’t want to overwhelm you

“Thank you,” you mumbled in his chest, as you hugged him back

“You’re welcome, let me know if this happens again, alright?” Shoto asked, and he felt you nod back into his chest

[literaila]

which of your fics?

i got tagged by @bitchyreid​ @goldentournesol​ @prettyboy-reid​

thank you for tagging me! sorry its taken me a minute 

Which of your fics... 

...got a better reaction than you expected? 

flick flick burn actually.. i was trying to blow through this request (i know im sorry!!!!) because i wanted to get through to another one and.... something good just came out of it. it was my first big fic and everyone really seemed to love it. it put me in kind of a ‘praise’ high for a couple of days so that was nice :D

..did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got? 

all of my series really.. but remember me? definetly because it was actually really fun to write and i just figured it would be one of those adventures people would stay interested in... but it was a very slow start so 

...is your funniest? 

i think its probably we dont wake up enough just because its super short and sweet and its about not wanting to get up in the morning sooo... 

...is your darkest or angstiest? 

umm... probably hand me the heartbreak because its really sad... and it definetly took some of my energy out of my soul for a while.. 

oh! oh! i forgot about these memories live with me ! that one is so sad, its so very sad, but I LOVE THE WAY I WROTE IT OH MY GOSH i completely forgot about it! 

..is your absolute favorite? 

i think right now its this vast empty space because i really like the way i wrote it, and i kinda forgot about it for a while so i’m reintroducing myself to it! or these memories live with me if my previous answer tells you anything.. 

..is your least favorite? 

pretty much any of my recents.. definetly sweet sweet relief because i just feel like its so dumb and i totally messed up that request big time. 

...was the easiest to write? 

probably one two three peek because it was super short and i knew what was going to happen and there was nothing big i had to include so... very nice and simple 

....was the hardest to write? 

literally any of the fics based off of episodes.. it takes me so long to figure out what actually happened in the episode not just based off my memory.. i look up scripts online just so i know how everyone is feeling. but tear me apart was suuuper hard because i had to add in a whole different plot including the one that was already in there and phew.. im stressed just thinking about it 

...has your favorite lines/ exhange/ paragraph... 

hmm... i write a lot of overwhelming things... but i definetly think this section from flick flick burn illistrates the turmoil in her head.. and really my entire style 

“She paused. She paused because she didn’t know what to say, didn’t understand why it hurt her so much to talk to him, didn’t understand why she couldn’t just say the words, why it was so difficult for her to tell him, she didn’t understand why she was talking at all.

She didn’t understand why she was burning alive.

She heard Spencer say something behind her. Something that sounded like encouragement to go on. She didn’t realize that he was standing in front of her, she didn’t look up to see him, he was standing in front of her, staring at her, wondering what was wrong.

“You were looking at her,” flick “looking at her.” higher “like you look.” and “like you look at me.” higher.

The fire had reached her brain, had scarred her entire body, had devoured her whole, had left her with no mercy.

Burn, baby, burn.”

...have you reread the most? 

probably flick flick burn (again) because i was obsessed with it when it came out and there was so many typos i had to go fix.. and thats the one i shared with my family (with some edits) 

...would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time? 

definetly flick flick burn.. and maybe one two three peek because those fics show two completely different sides of me and give a big insight into how i like to write 

...are you most proud of? 

actually.. space. its not my best fic but because that was my first ever fic on here. and immedietly everyone loved it. it was an amazing confidence boost and really led me back into writing which is something i’d been struggling with for years. so yeah. starting to write again was a huge milestone, and im so thankful to everyone who convinced me to continue  

and ive got no one to tag :D

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[ladylynse]

Hi Lynse, I feel like my writing style is just... stunted ig. like i dont feel like ive made any growth in any of my recent stories(i think i write pretty regularly) and i dont really love how i write and i want to improve. do you have any suggestions on how i can? thanks from a fellow writer ♥

Hey, Anon, I’m sorry you’re dissatisfied with your work at the moment. I’ve never actually focused on my writing style, though. I don’t change it up as often as I probably should; even though every once in a while I’ll try something a bit new, it’s rarely enough to properly expand my horizons. I’m not even sure I could tell you what my writing style is. (More introspective than action and logical but incorrect conclusions/assumptions?) 

If you’ve been writing regularly, you are better than you were. You will have made improvements even if you can’t see them without going back and rereading a lot of your older work. Improvement isn’t going to be a steady incline, though, where you’re visibly getting better each month, and you shouldn’t shortchange yourself by expecting that. You might currently be improving a bit more slowly than you were when you first started, but you will have made a lot of progress since then. And if you really think you’ve hit a plateau, that’s fine. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t improve.

Also, be aware that this is going to be something you’re far more aware of than anyone else. For example, take one of my DP fics, The Trouble with Ghosts. The first, oh, six-ish chapters were written a good four years before the rest of the fic and I only did very minor editing. No one has really commented on that being blatantly obvious (no one has commented on that at all; I’m just assuming there would be a comment if it was obvious to the point of jarring), which means my writing style has barely changed in years if it’s changed at all. What does that say about me?

I can give you some suggestions, but I have no idea if they’ll work for you. In the past, I’ve worked on a collab fic with someone where we tried to mimic each other’s writing so it wasn’t overly obvious who wrote each scene. My humour still needs a lot more work when it comes to writing (I usually stick with irony), but it at least made me more aware of how to slip it in. Descriptions? Same thing. I don’t focus on that as much as I should, relying too much on people’s familiarity with the fandom I’m writing. (These were different people, so different fics, none of which ever got finished or posted. Not yet, anyway. But that’s fine, because we still got a taste of learning from each other.) 

You can probably do that without actually working on a collab fic with anyone by reading some of your favourite authors (books or fanfic) and trying to mimic them. Your first attempts will probably not be great, but first attempts are never great. And if a lot of what you’re reading is in a style similar to the one you currently have, ask yourself why you don’t like your current style if you like that, and if it’s not your current style, try to mimic it. I admittedly mostly read fic that is written similarly to how I write; it’s what I look for when reading, so that’s what I write. To expose myself to more kinds of styles, I typically need to read books, not fic. (That’s not to say that I don’t read fic that isn’t written in a similar style to me. I have, and quite enjoyed it, but that’s not the vast majority of what I’ve read.) I’ve specifically mimicked writing in the style of a book before for a school assignment, but how easy that would be for you depends a bit on how you write in the first place. (I try to put myself in the characters’ shoes and go from there. Sometimes their voices get stuck in my head if I’m writing a lot in a single fandom, making them very easy to write and the characters I can’t hear very difficult to write in character.)

You can force yourself to work out of your comfort zone by participating in fandom events or taking prompts, too. That’s one of the reasons I do the three sentence fics. They don’t eat up a lot of my writing time, and it’s a way of challenging myself. Sometimes.

If you feel overwhelmed and frustrated because you feel like nothing you’ve written is any good and nothing you’ve tried to get better is working, consider taking a break from writing--preferably completely, but if not, at least your current stories--and try not to feel bad about it. Sometimes, you just need to clear your head. I usually say this when it comes to writer’s block, but in my experience, if you try to force your writing, you’re probably not going to like the words you manage to put down on the page, and every sentence will be a slog. You need to take care of yourself.

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[matthew-eleventhirty]

its been a while since ive been on here to truly discuss my feelings and i definitely do not want to reread all the things i wrote down just yet i feel as though that wound is just not yet healed. but looking back at the past six months, this is what ive concluded/experienced:

he made me so gut-wrenchingly nervous and anxious and upset and depressed so much so that the second i feel slighlty overwhelmed im curled over vomitting my brains out. i would walk upstairs and have to run to the toilet. i would walk fast to catch up with my friends and i had to keep swallowing my vomit. heard his name, possibly saw him, james tells me something new.. vomit. and that is still going.. less but still.

i lost my appetite i would eat maybe a handful of crackers and a day and only drink coffee. it was a proud moment to finish half my sandwich, but thats not all the time. i look skinny bc of these two things but i dont feel strong, but i also cant help it. i try to eat more i feel nauseous and have to sit down. but on the bright side i lost like 27 pounds. i fit into my old clothes! 

billys mother has gotten involved with 3 altercations ive had about my ex. but my ex wasnt involved. when he refused to send back my stuff, ignore me when i asked for it back, then post a picture with his new girl, i had to get involved i needed my stuff back. i called his mother and as politely as possible bc i had a knot in my stomach i asked for my stuff. but at the same time this is going on my friends are having their way with him but i couldnt really take notice because i was at work. so im sitting afterwards reading what theyre saying and deal with it on top of everything else i just went through. but i guess my work wasnt done because a week later i get a text from his mom saying my friends wont stop blowing up his phone when none of my friends were even texting him? but couldnt a 20 year old boy deal with that? couldnt someone you trusted be able to reach out to you? but that still didnt end because he decided to text me saying “since i was so kinnd as to give you your stuff back...” first off nno you werent, your mother was. “i figured you would send me my stuff back, but since you havent” and thats kind where i really laughed to myself because this mothafucka expected me to just give back his stuff? like no ask for it, im not your slave anymore. i dont cater to you. you want it, step up and tell me whats up? but i didnt answer because i had playoff tickets and was a lil busy. but then the next morning im at work and guess whos number? billys mom. this kid for real couldnt wait one day without getting his mother involved when i waited a full 2 months for the things i bought so i could be ready to go out with you at a moments notice. it just makes me laugh, like how could i have been so dumb as to date a guy liek tthat.

and lastly the reason why i was making this post was to say that, i think i am a beautiful smart wise fun goofy carefree lil messy but that makes things interesting and i really value the things in life people tend to take for granted. i like the root of things not always the part that everyone sees. i think im geniune, i will tell you things honestly because whats the point in lying? and im not apologizing for the truth. but i feel as though ive grown so much from this experince, i know my self worth better now, i can see mistakes ive made before try to happen again and i can see it a lot easier. i want to have fun and make memories and just enjoy my life again. i think after hanging around with chris and friday that i can finally you know move on and just fully enjoy being me and not thinking about vomitting when anyone mentions anything to me. im gorgeous when i try, im smart but im not as quick as i should be, im a fun time to be around, i can be useful. hard when youre surrounded by a bunch of brilliant people, but they push me to do better and i love them. 

[avahuang]

Life on the page

I. MARCH READS

I read a book of essays by a rock critic. I read three short story collections--Ben Greenfield, Otessa Moshfegh, Jhumpa Lahiri. I read a memoir on learning to write in a new language. I read a manifesto about translation. I read a manifesto about women and power. I read a book of essays about women and art. I let Noam Chomsky explain syntax to me. I revisited Philip Roth and Goodbye, Columbus. I read about future sex. I read a book that traced the paths of three marriages in Mumbai over the course of decades. I bought History of the Russian Revolution by Leon Trotsky after I watched The Death of Stalin but I haven’t finished it. I read two books by David Deutsch. I read Geek Love and Blood and Guts in High School and Fear of Flying which I think are vaguely in the same genre of messy bloody odd. I read Anais Nin’s letters with Henry Miller and then I read the portion of her unexpurgated diary that covered 1944-1947. I read about how she met her second husband in an elevator when he was 28 and she was 44 and she was still married to her first husband. She would go on to be secretly married to both at the same time for 11 years. I read Fun House by Alison Bechdel and was touched by the part where she reads Ulysses because it reminded me of the first time I read Ulysses. I read a short story by Han Kang in which a woman turns into a plant and bears fruit which her husband then plants, wondering if his wife will be reborn in them. I read Foucault on madness in the back of a car on my way home from Tahoe. I read a collection of essays by Marilynne Robinson but the way she wrote about God didn’t quite resonate. I can only understand the divine through absence: I reread Tractatus and highlighted the part when he says that God doesn’t reveal himself in the world. It makes sense to me that things are in the world have no connection with what is higher.

Language is innate within us. Chomsky’s Minimalist Program “appeals to the idea that the language ability in humans shows signs of being incorporated under an optimal design with exquisite organization.” We are born with everything we need and the rest is the process of realization. The rest is just a process of realization that the world is just words.

II. METAPHOR

An explanation for why every once in a while I try to write about what I read and it never turns out very well: good books and good ideas are always expansive and it’s hard to capture that sense of space on the page. When you write about a specific and personal feeling you are of course also writing about the universal feeling, which so many people before you have felt before. Echoes of echoes, concentric circles rippling outwards into the space of all possible actions. There’s implicit history in everything you have ever thought and felt. Broad patterns can be extrapolated from the slightest movement. The universal lies always in the particular. It’s so hard to do even justice to the smallest thing. It is impossible to be literal in any way: all of language is dead metaphor, which starts with analogies in the physical world (people chew over ideas, swallow information, gobble up books, etc) and then becomes more abstract over time. This applies not only to phrases but also to words themselves (transpire originally means to breathe through, discover means to un-cover, sarcastic means flesh-tearing). We look at the world and try to describe it the best we can and our descriptions gradually become fossilized bridges that compose the building blocks of how we speak.

IIi. NOTES

“What separates a language from a dialect is who has the army.”

The Latin noun homo (“man”)  is masculine, luna (“moon”) is feminine, Mare (“sea”) is neuter. Man, moon, sea. What a recipe.

Also Latin: agricola = farmer, nauta = seafarer.

In atmosphere, is the /s/ part of the second syllable or the third? It is not clear.

The most important thing to learn is that all categorizations leak.

Language is a system that makes infinite use of finite means.

Lisa Halliday: “Casals, who also played the piano, by the way, once told a reporter when he was in his nineties that he had played the same Bach piano piece every day for the past eight-five years. When the reporter asked whether this didn’t get boring, Casals said, No, on the contrary, each playing was a new experience, a new act of discovery.”

Camus: ‘“Because,” Cormery went on, “when I was very young, very foolish, and very much alone . . . you paid attention to me and, without seeming to, you opened for me the door to everything I love in the world.”

Li-Young Lee: “in his mother's garden, magnolia, hibiscus, azalea, peony, pear, tulip, iris;

reading in another book their names he knows, and then the names from their secret lives;

lives alchemical, nautical, genital”

IV. ATTENTION

If you read a book per day you can read 25,550 books over the course of your life. Open on my laptop right now: Language and Mind. A Dictionary of Modern Usage. selected unpublished blogposts of a mexican panda express employee. A Timeless Way of Building. I don’t think I’ll read all of these books thoroughly because I’ll get distracted midway through and my mind will wander so in the end even if I finish the entire text I won’t have properly absorbed it. But who can absorb everything? Everything that I’ve ever forgotten comes back to haunt me. Ditto with everything I’ve ever decided to not pay attention to. If you want to learn, if you want to have good relationships, you have to pay attention. Attention without object is the supreme form of prayer. I’m trying to figure out the best way to learn. I read a book on that, too: Making Learning Whole. My friend said she learns best when presented with extreme granular detail. Personally I prefer abstraction. There are entire systems of rules that we’ve all internalized without ever consciously examining them. Like how to put together a sentence. Learning new systems as an adult is difficult but not impossible. The fact that everything is interrelated makes it easier. The fact that I can speak English makes it possible for me to learn Russian. Everything building upon everything else.

Loneliness comes from being unable to communicate things that seem important. I am overwhelmed by the impossibility of articulating the truth, knowing that the truth is subject to change, just as sounds in language shift gradually over time, eroded by usage itself, so that what was once correct is no longer correct. Fallibilism seems like the only tenable philosophical position. I still want to believe that anything that can be thought can be thought clearly. I want to think things through the best I can and write my observations down. I try to ask for help when I need it: the world makes more sense when parsed by multiple people. When everything seems unbearably precarious, structurally unstable, I remind myself not to panic the same way I remind myself not to panic when my backpack gapes open and everything spills out and I get on my knees to shove it back in. The antidote is slowing way down. The antidote is, quite simply, to pay more attention.

V. OVERCOMING

What does the Hegelian term aufheben mean? Varied (and seemingly contradictory) things: to lift, to abolish, to cancel, suspend, sublate. Walter Kaufmann: “It is what you do when something has fallen to the floor. Something may be picked up in order that it will no longer be there; on the other hand, I may also pick it up to keep it."

Hegel believed in the interaction of the thesis and the antithesis. To sublate is to transform something, to overcome, and then at the same time preserve. Nothing is lost but rather incorporated into a larger whole, like the spiral of a fern opening into infinity.

Living is a process of sublation: if you allow yourself to constantly be undone by the beauty of sentences, if you do not allow the topology of life to at any point of become familiar, if you resist predictability, value both movement and stillness, you will realize that the struggle of becoming is the becoming, that concepts that seem to negate each other are interdependent, that you have already arrived; the vast and implacable universe is within you, blooming impossibly tender, the constant presence of loss coexisting with the miracle that there are people who will stay to bear witness to the ways time will ravage your body and mind. You are the synthesis of what is there and what is necessarily absent, every iteration ambered in every new iteration. You are the overcoming.

VI. UBER TRIP

_______, blue-eyed, slight pulling on socks in the morning. We’ve only held hands in the car on the way from _____ to _____ the silent explosion of happiness in my chest like the air during Holi, bright colors smeared over all my organs, irrepressible. In the middle of the act he puts my hand over his throat the warm tender length of it I can’t contain my joy, feel like-- forget simile there’s just panic wonder panic silence great swaths of sound cliff and crest speech disintegrating because the emotion is simple and today simplicity undoes me.

VII. ? There was a door.  I entered without the least bit of reluctance.  Better forward than back.

[caprouletterenaissancecathe-blog]

RAHM PISTIS. A GENESIS. NOTES & REFERENCES

"You're Biggest Fear Will Be The Rescue Of You...Strange How It Turns Out That Way..." #SuchGreatHeights #ExemplarWisdom "Can You Show Me Dear, Something Im Not Seeing.." #Mirror #Truths #StayGold It Isnt By Mistake That I Used Incubus,& First Things First, I Tend To Rhyme But Often Times It Wont Be On Purpose. Especially Now That Im Starting This Process, Exposing My Thoughts. The Way I Express Myself-- In Pursuit Of Understanding, I Have To Sort Through My Complex To Find The Words In Me. I Originally Wanted To Type Conscious, But My History Corrected It. I Corrected Me. Truly. Though I Wasnt Wrong To Begin With. Both Words Represent & Convey What I Meant. So Either Way, Whichever One I Choosed, Would Have Still Been Right, So I Left It. Its Funny That Im My Own Suggestion. My Mistakes Are Poetic. Ive Learned Through Lessened. I Trust Myself Now, All Mistakes Are Meanted. Me, This..I Always Find The Answers To My Questions, Usually Pronounced As Parallell Double Meanings, Its The Only Way I Ever Find Comprehension. I Have To Play Ring Around The Rosies With My Mind's Logic, All The Mirrors, Reflections, Whats Reflected. I Travel Through The Maze In My Mind To Express It. The Realizations I Achieve Are Never Simple. I Dnt Know Why I Must Always Go Into Such Depth, Its Always Been Exhausting For Me To Express Myself. Decoding and Trying To Find The Purpose Of My Life. The Turmoil That Has Happens To Me. Or The Void I Host, & All Of Which Complexes Me. My Suggestion Was Perplexing. Equally. You Dnt Understand Now. But I Plan On Trying To Make Sense Of It. Often Times I Give Up On My Explanations, Or Leave Them Uncomplete Whenever I Know Someone Else's Eyes Will See. Im Exhausted Already, Because I Only Know How To Be Diffcult.I Focus On Everything, I Know Nothing, I Know Everything. Second Guesses. Double Meanings. And Sometimes When I Try To Describe It, I Tend To Repeat Myself, Or Sway Away From The Task Or The Point I Was Trying To Make, But I Promise It'll Come Full Circle. The Overwhelming Maze Of My Interpretations, Im Lost In It. Finding My Answers, Purpose, And Clarity Whenever I Was Alone Or Writing In My Diary. It Became A Portal, A Tool To Decipher The Realms In My Mind. But Why? Every Heading Starting Off As Dear You, Not Sure If I Was Talking To Myself, Him, Or Maybe To You. Dear You, Notes To Myself, Dear You, Im Contemplating Him.Sometimes Im Not Sure If Its Me Or You Im Talking To, Mostly You, But I Kept A Record For Me. I Plan To Illustrate My Discoveries. I Am Aware Of Myself After Spending Time In The Dark & In Search Of Seven...Thinking Back As I Recall That Mirror Of Time, I Used To Pray/ Beg/Ask God To Grant Me, Wisdom & Knowledge.I Was Only 13, Philosophy Allured Me. I'm Not Sure Why I Wanted To Gain Such Intellect. I Know Why, But This Is Already Gotten Out Of Hand. I Want To At Least Finish This, This Entry. Literally and Figuratively. Especially Before I Change My Mind. I Speak In Twos. A Dual Of Dualities, That Combat & Agree. Parallel, Not Intersecting. This Leads Into Another Mirror, Eventually. Initially This Passage Was Just Meant To Be A Intro, Just To Give You An Idea Of What I Plan To Reveal, What I Think. But I Go Into The Deep End, I Dnt Know Of Any Shallow Methods. Even When I Try To Myself Back. Its Uncontested, Uncontrolled. My History Leaves Me Suggestions. You Hold All The Answers Within You That You Seek. Your Calling, Constantly Calls You, Leaving Messages, Even When You Try To Ignore It, Just Wait Till It Finally Reaches You. As It Did Me. Im Not Sure If I Answered It, Or It Answered Me. I Think Both. I Know. Descartes. Socrates. I Wish It Was Easy, I Didnt Know What I Was Praying For All Those Years, In My Teens. I Mean I Did, But I Didn't. I Cant Ignore Details, I Find Purpose In The Nothing, There's Importance In My Parenthesis. I Prefer Being Unrevised. Its More Sincere. I Didnt Plan On Going This Far, Not Just Yet. I Keep Pausing,This Is Really Intimate To Me. My Philosophy. I Feel Scared. Ive Never Shared What I Will Now, I Will Try To Defeat This Feeling. I Want To Share What Ive Written To The World & I Want To Delete This. Its Already Too Much, And I Have A Headache. Never Easy, I Can Never Skip To The Point, Because These Declaration Cannot Be Briefed. Its Going To Be Alot Of Content. Using Metaphoric Context, Alternative References And Analogies To Better Throne Significances. Anything Less Denotes. All Of What Ive Written Will Collaborate In Conclusion. Eventually. Eventually. At First It Is Seemingly Nonsensical. But You'll Get It. It Madness. Sometimes The Truth Contradicts Itself. Either, Or, Can Mean The Same Thing, Both Terms Can Stand Alone, But Are Better Exemplified When/If You Understand The Double Meanings. Me Writing Just This; Makes Me Feel, Uncomfortable. It Feels Like A Risk. It Is. And I Already Regret It. You won't find closure in this entry, this an opening , im so happy that i sort of feel satisfied to stop here for now, i dnt want to go back and reread what i wrote though. Id feel foolish, i dnt think you'll get it. Plus im very impatient. Youll learn that too about me. and if i delete this ive wasted time. I feel drained now, lower case.