#janey tells shits

[harleehazbinfics]

Pleasure to meet you! Cannibal Overlord! Reader x Alastor [cannibal chef! Reader Spin-Off]

Cannibal chef! reader m.list | Author profile

a/n: tadaaaaa~ new banners. unwindingggg ive been using too many formal words frying my brain

"Hello?" Vaggie answers the telephone drily causing the others look at her.

"Who'sat?" Angels slurs.

"It's for you," she passes the phone to Alastor.

"Hello!"

"Alastor! Darling! Where are you?!"

"Madam! I'm currently at the Hazbin Hotel. I've been meaning to call you for a while but was unable to--"

"OH ALASTOR, SWEETHEART! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! YOU LEFT WITHOUT A TRACE I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD," you screamed hugging him and peppering his face with kisses.

The others looked at your flabbergasted. One, how did you get here so fast. Two, you knew Alastor? and Three, WHY THE HELL WHERE YOU KISSING THE SHIT OUTTA HIM?!

"Well, we are dead, madam," he answers without much resistance towards your affectionate behavior. I think he went on for 7 years too long without them.

You pinch his cheek for his smart retort and finally set your eyes on the princess and apologize, "I'm sorry for the sudden visit but when I heard my Alastor here finally came back. I couldn't help but rush to meet him. I'm (Y/n) by the way, pleasure to meet you!"

All of them (aside for Angel) looked at you like you were some sort of mythical being making you tilt your head. "Why? Is there something on my face? Do I have something stuck between my teeth?" you ask then asking Alastor beside you.

"Nothing at all. I think they're more concerned of the fact that you're here, Madam," he replies not even bothering to wipe your lipstick marks on his face.

"You're the Cannibal Chef Overlord! I- uh- it's nice to meet you in person!" Charlie greets recovering from her shock.

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine! Meeting the princess and all is no simple occasion! Alastor, be a dear and call the restaurant to prepare something for us and let them bring it here. We should celebrate!" you announce joyously.

"As you wish," he replies before snapping his fingers and a few moments later the doorbell rang.

NIffty opened it, only to be shoved to the side as your staff to prepare the wares and food in the middle of the room.

"Now, tell me. How are you? Where you've been? I expect a full report on your situation. You disappeared without a word. I though you were running away from me," you ask mood getting dangerous with the glint in your eyes.

"Of course not! Just caught up with some matter is all," he explains.

You gave him a toothy smile and answered, "Good. Everyone! Please dig in! I didn't know your preference so please help yourselves to anything!"

🔗Cannibal Chef! Reader Taglist:

@bonnie-02 @marxo5 @whaatttlaufey @froggybich @rybunnie @midorichoco @lucifers-silhouette @kimmis-stuff @bontensbabygirl @janey @akiqvq @wonderlandangelsposts @spoiled-slutt @roboticsuccubus83 @atlas-rin @yuriohoe04 @azullynxx @milk-bulb @rainynyy @s2tng @aria-tempest @speedycoffeedelight @0strawberrysorbet0 @amitiel-truth @corvid007 @kaminarithebest @enby-goblin @whydosnakesnotdance @wtvbabes

[bettyfrommars]

v a c a n c y

Eddie x afab!Reader

This is a short snippet of a world I've been thinking about for a while, loosely inspired by the film Equilibrium where feeling is a crime punishable by death, but also by my fascination with abandoned places, wastelands, and the idea that, even though love sets us up for pain and grief, life is not worth living without it. I hope to expand on it eventually. Hint: this might also be interwoven with my nightmare Eddie.

wc: 1.3k

18+MDNI, dystopian au

This is rough, I just spit out this scene because I needed this Eddie to cheer me up.

The sting of the frosty air bit your cheeks when you stepped out of the motel room you shared with your aunt Ramona.  Wiggling the knob to make sure it was locked, you zipped up your coat, and then checked to make sure it was locked one more time for good measure. 

Nearby, someone whistled to get your attention.

You snapped a look across the way to find that the newest resident of the Grove Motel was out in the parking space in front of his room working on his van. He waved a wrench in the air at you.  “She needs tender loving care when it’s cold outside,” he shouted, possibly unaware of the noise ordinance for loud voices on the premises.  

You wondered if perhaps he had mistaken you for someone else, so you adjusted the bag on your shoulder, turned your back on him, and kept going.  

The steel of the wrench clinked to the cement, and then, at a jog, he caught up to you, and extended the spread out fingers of his hand for you to see.  “What do you think?”

He was referring to the new skull ring he wore, and was about to tell you a story about how a Hell’s Angel traded it for a six pack, but you were fixated on something else.  

“You’re not supposed to do that,” you gestured to the chipped, black polish on his short fingernails, not to mention the jewelry adornments he so proudly wore. “If they catch you, you’ll get a fine.” 

“Fuck ‘em,” he put a cigarette to his lips, lit the end with a metal zippo from his pocket, and then clapped the lighter shut, keeping the coffin nail in the corner of his mouth as he spoke.  “They can put me in jail, wouldn’t be the first time.”

You came to a full halt on the pavement then, unnerved by his unique and utterly idiotic nonchalance. His gaudy rings, the flash on his vest over his leather jacket, his long hair, everything.  Hell, you could very well get a fine for just associating with him.  “They banish people too, you know? To the Outer Limits, I bet you wouldn’t be so cocky then?”

He puffed a laugh out his nose and leaned in, his voice a murmur that melted into a purr. “Well, then, you don’t know shit about me, sweetheart.”

You dodged to the side to avoid him, marching ahead with brutal determination.

“Hey, hey, hey, please wait,” he jumped in front of  you, waving his arms. “I’m sorry okay? Just...wait,” and then his hands were up, palms out to mime the invisible wall between you.

Your gaze lingered on the dead tufts of grass around the sidewalk, but then cautiously rose to his brown orbs rimmed in gold.

“My name’s Eddie,” he bobbed forward before bouncing back on the balls of his feet.  “I’ve been seeing you around for a couple weeks and thought maybe I’d introduce myself.”

“I know who you are,” you swallowed.  “You moved into Curtis and Janey’s old place. They were friends of mine.”

“Oh shit, that’s right.  He was taken away, wasn’t he? By those rent-a-cops with the cowboy hats.”

You nodded, working your jaw.  “Curtis and his wife, they were always holding hands and kissing and…” a part of  you worried you’d get in trouble just for speaking the words. “...being really affectionate with each other.”

Eddie gave an exaggerated grimace.  “Yikes, that sound like some hardcore stuff.”

“Don’t make fun,” you inclined your head.  “This is serious.”

He broke into a chuckle, biting his lip.  “I can tell that you think it is.”

You kept walking, only to have him take backwards steps to keep pace with you, wallet chain bouncing with each jolly movement.  “So, what’s your name?”

“You’re not from around here, I can tell,” you let him know, mumbling your name so it was almost inaudible.

“What gave it away?” 

“Do they not have laws against feelings and self-expression where you’re from?”

“No, they do,” he spun on his heel to face the same direction as you.  “I guess I just don’t care about their rules.”

You came to another abrupt stop to gape at his casual smile.  You’d never met anyone like him before, and it made you curious almost as much as it infuriated you.  He appeared to welcome your assessment of him with matched intensity, rolling his bottom lip through his teeth a few times.  

“I have to get to work,” you stepped from the curb, gnashing your teeth.

“Are you taking the bus?” 

“No genius,” you spat over your shoulder.  “I’m waiting for my limousine to pick me up at the curb.”

At that, Eddie guffawed with laughter and sprang up next to you, shuffling in little hop-steps.  “You had me worried there for a second.  I thought maybe you were dead inside like the rest of them.”

“I’m plenty dead inside,” you muttered, thinking it was time to take your pills again, the medication that kept you from feeling anything and sucked any and all joy out of life.

“Do you want a ride?” He exhaled toward the sky, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.  “I know a guy with a van who has some time to kill.”

“No thank you,” was your quick and curt response.  

“Suit yourself,” he flicked the butt into the street just as an old, rusted Plymouth cruised by with a huge dent in the door.  “But if you ever need like, milk or sugar, you know where to find me.”

“I won’t.”

A few yards from the bus stop, he called your name, and you spun around to face him, brow creased with irritation.  

“Was that Led Zeppelin I heard coming from your place the other day or was I dreaming?”  

You froze, panic flushing arctic ice through your veins.  

The enjoyment of music was absolutely forbidden in your territory, and the only thing on the radio were news and religious stations.  You’d kept your dad’s old cassette player and a shoebox full of tapes hidden in the wall behind your dresser for years.  It was a secret you’d kept so long, you were always very careful about when you listened and how loud.

You were shaking your head, moving your jaw, but no words could come out.  He would tell on you, and then the Troopers would come and ransack your room and take the only thing of your father’s you had left.

“Please don’t,” you took cautious steps, searching his face.  “I can’t, I won’t listen anymore, but please don’t tell anyone. I’m begging  you.”

Eddie frowned and grinned at the same time, confused.  “I would never—” and then he realized you were actually freaking out, and his tone got very soft.  “Hey, listen, it’ll be our secret, alright? I like to listen to music too.”

You looked around, worried that the aluminum skeletons in the junkyard next door had ears. You believed him, you had to.  You’d been caught and you were at his mercy. 

“I was just going to say we need to get you some headphones.” He bucked his chin and gave a proud wink, “I know a guy.”

[romsabombs]

GUYS the new malevolent is insane so i just thought i'd drop my notes in here✍️ ENJOY it's a lot

freaky ahh cavern

😦😦😦

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

the man is bathed in darkness👹 john thats racist

mf literally been crucified this is so arthurs religious trauma

that is not what bones sound like i think

shes so me awful posture

me at 4am in the kitchen looking for a snack

WAIT oh yuck :/

HAHA THEY'RE IN HIS NOSTRILS

PRINCE MENTIONED

car accident thats so season 1

this is kind of like a hat in time maybe

omgg a witch :3

arthur survives the wildest shit but i think a mcdonalds sprite would kill him

AAAHHH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!😨😨 YUCK YUCK EW EW RAAAHHH

WHAAAAAT

cant we only do allat to corpses

omg spit it out john

YEAAHHHH HES DEAD

🤭🤭🤭YIPPEE I KNEW IT

omggg thats so janey :33

hes bein puppeted by the maggots thats crazy

STOP TELLING HIM TO KILL THINGS HAHA

omgg kaynes dagger <33

how can this mf be helpful

this is so tmp a bit

rotten flesh mentioned minecraft ref

HAHA WHAAT THATS SO GROSS

the maggots be like i have your fucking eyes👹👹👹👹

OMG WHAT THE HELL zombie arc

claustrophobia again

imagine harlan recording this

omg that's so sexy 🔥🔥 decapitated his ass

HAHA WE'RE ONLY 11 MINUTES IN??

LMAO john stop saying things

YES JOHN it WOULD have been helpful to know this guy didnt have any eyes

"this isnt new york anymore" thank god amiright

his head between our legs🤨

its so funny how he calls it a pinky. didnt someone on tumblr say john wouldnt know finger names

im surprised arthur still has a shirt

the flesh feels stiff😟

this guy is still alive😦 or. dead. i guess

arthur is like weirdly normal about this guy being a zombie. i know hes seen shit (no he hasnt) but come on

faroes song ☹️

YEAHH PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTHH💪

oh what😐 the prince🙄

what did he sayy

oh gross come on guys😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 at this point just put it in your own mouth

"id like to think this is the most insane thing we've ever done" 💀

teehee they dont wanna seperate :3

YEAH! AND FAROE

"everyone we've ever loved" weak. also john doesnt care about anyone but you

"we cant afford to not use every resource anymore" HAHA this is so funny because didnt you throw away everything youve ever owned last episode

yippee welcome back vanguard :3

nothing😟 WAIT YIPPEE :3

WELCOME BACK VANGUARD‼️☝️

omg names mentioned

wait. yorick? llorick? thats the thing arthur said

its not lorick that was the guy from the dreamlands

WOAH WAIT WOAH HUH

hey what the fuck did that mean😀

omg what. rumpelstiltskin

HAHA hes so loser

OMG wait they said stanzyck right

ofcourse anna is dead bruh we were never gonna meet her

arthur and john both being "kings"😟

this tooth is so silly🥰

everyones walking over arthur today💀

they're so miscommunication <3

hey😀 hey whats that sound

DONT SAY IT ugh the prince

"ahh yes :3"

OH😨😨😨😨 A WHAT

SHUT UP🗣️👹 HAHA THATS SO SILLY

this guy is so kayne. and a bit autistic

wait r we just carrying around this skull

bro arthur sounds so tired

ooo this would go hard as a cosplay

i cant believe he has a belt

EUGH YUCK😦

ooo the black stone perchance?

ok i guess not

omg god forbid a girl has hobbies🙄

"im not saying its not risky. what im saying is, it might be worth the risk" that line goes hard

arthur agreeing to this is like a dad saying "okay fine we'll go to mcdonalds🙄"

no reward without risk✊💥

"we're in the lion's den already" "it is a hag's womb👹" HEHEHE

HAHA SILLIES HEHEHEEHE🤭🥰

oooohh johnn 😶‍🌫️

OH 😦 ohhh 😀 u have his memories

clever girl

"thanks yorick😐" "you too my king🤗" "shut up🙄👹"

yorick is so me absolutely no sense of social cues

ofcourse we'd encounter a witch here it was so obvious

"try to keep straight" pff

did john say im serving

hey yeah maybe dont go towards the light😀

LMAO LOOK AROUND? foul

when is the jumpscare happening

i have no idea what he's saying

"too much to make out" MAKE OUT?🤭

LMAO he doesnt know

pregnant meat☹️⁉️

hey i thought asking the vanguard questions would have a price🤨😀

imagine if he just crushed that zombies skull like its a good thing we just decapitated him

hes literally describing my room

you're my eyes☹️

they're acting as if the lighter would give us much light

omgg shes a little interior decorator

tapestry lore!!💪

five minutes left whats gonna happen

wuh ohhh somethings gonna happen

THE STAIRS ARE GONE!!!😬

ur literally in her home leave her alone

his ass is panicking

this is so part 18 the madness

we're trapped :( :(

"ingenious decision king🤓" "SHUT UP👹"

SPRINT!!!!!! 🏃🏃🏃🏃

OH???? 😦😦😦😦 WHAT

IMPALED???M???MNFJREJSJ HUHH

--

omggg he got marcy'd

i saw fanart of this but i lowkey couldnt tell if it was a spoiler or not💀

hot take but if he got bitten by that zombie he could prolly survive this

HUHHH bro this is like part 27 the roots. he was less dramatic about it this time tho

bro yorick finally shut up💀

sooo where did he get impaled. like if in the heart hes cooked😬

[pesterloglog]

Arquiusprite, Jane Crocker, Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Rosesprite, Jaspersprite

Act 6, page 7583-7588

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Abra cafiddling dabra you silly shootnerds

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> My e%ceedingly STRONG work as the party's premier bodybuilding hacker is done

ARQUIUSPRITE: 🕶️--> Off I go

JANE: ...

ROXY: JANE!!!!!

ROXY: ur wake!

JANE: Roxy?????

JANE: U'r alive!

JANE: Er, you're!

ROXY: so are you!

ROXY: you were dead last time i saw you and also before i found u sleepin here but now ur awake and also alive!

JANE: Yeah!

JANE: You were dead too, because I...

JANE: But now you're??

JANE: Oh god, Roxy, I'm so sorry I,

JANE: I wasn't thinking straight when...

JANE: Please forgive me. :(

ROXY: aw janey you dont gotta worry about whatever sad incident that frowns about

ROXY: thats all water under a bridge from a reality i got no recollection of and therefore dont matter at all

ROXY: by which i mean......

ROXY: this reality here, so ok the reality is still KIND of relevant because we are literally inside of it atm

ROXY: but im new here!

ROXY: i came over to keep being roxy since the old one died or whatever thru hecka debacles

JANE: That... is quite an explanation!

JANE: Jeez, I missed you.

ROXY: cmere u extravagant bitch!!!

JANE: Hahah!

JANE: (Wait... what?)

JOHN: the hug pile doesn't stop from getting taller.

ROSE: ?

JOHN: the hug pile! there are more hugs, rose.

ROSE: I can see the hugs. I don't understand the pile thing.

JOHN: oh. don't you remember?

JOHN: a funny quote from one of dave's old comics!

ROSE: Ah. Yes, vaguely.

ROSE: It's been a long journey, John.

ROSE: I believe one of the most valuable lessons that comes with growing up is gaining the wisdom that gently informs you when it's time to retire a meme.

JOHN: heh...

JOHN: i guess i never earned that handy badge, or whatever.

JOHN: i like this, though. every time someone wakes up, or pops out of nowhere, it's fun times all over again.

JOHN: i feel like i should be playing reunion bingo.

JOHN: who will be next??

JOHN: my money is on the long awaited and insanely poignant reunion between me and casey the salamander.

ROSE: Surely you mean the dear Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer, right?

ROSE: And instead of you, you mean me.

ROSE: That's when the real tears will flow.

JOHN: what do you think she's up to?

ROSE: He.

JOHN: no, she is my beautiful daughter. :p

ROSESPRITE: Something tells me the good Viceroy has been busy.

ROSE: Oh?

ROSESPRITE: I sense he's been... scheming.

ROSESPRITE: Plotting.

ROSESPRITE: Biding his time.

ROSESPRITE: Accruing dark legions.

ROSE: That sure is a thing that would be dumb, if true.

ROSESPRITE: Yeah.

JOHN: hi nanna!

JOHN: jane, i mean.

JOHN: sorry, it's an easy mistake to make, because you're my nanna!

ROXY: lol

ROXY: real smooth shit john

JANE: Hello!

JANE: A pleasure to meet you, John. Or, poppop, as I used to know you.

JOHN: hehe, yeah so i heard!

JANE: You look so...

JANE: Young.

JOHN: thanks!

JOHN: so do you.

JOHN: my nanna, who used to be ashes on my fireplace, regained her old womanly visage when i turned her into a sprite, and she helped me along the way.

JOHN: so nanna is a sprite! did you know that?

JANE: Um... no?

JOHN: i thought you should know that. she's probably around somewhere. i hope you can meet her.

JOHN: oh, also, i'm your son technically. did you know that??

JANE: Yes.

JANE: It is... a pretty strange fact!

JANE: But also pretty cool.

JOHN: yup!

ROXY: ooh jane thats my daughter there say hi to her!!!

JANE: Hi!

ROSE: Hi, John's hot mom.

ROSE: (Aw shit.)

JANE: Haha...?

ROXY: also thats umm ANOTHER version of rose who died and then i buried and a stupid cat unburied her for some reason and prototyped her

ROXY: so say hello to my cool floaty double daughter!

JANE: Hi, Roxy's hot double daughter.

ROSESPRITE: :D

ROSESPRITE: (Rose Prime, I believe you may have just been owned.)

ROSE: (God damn Dave's contagious-ass Freudian boners.)

JANE: Wow, I feel so out of the loop! Sorry if I still seem disoriented from my... nap, I suppose it was?

JANE: Or impromptu troll-coma.

JANE: Roxy, you have to clue me in on what happened here! Where are Dirk and Jake?

JANE: And for that matter, John, where are your other friends? Oh, Jade! Where is she? Is she still asleep?

ROXY: hey janey that is all like a lot of stuff to say and everything goin on here is faaairly complicated and heavily peopled

ROXY: dont worry ill ease you into comprehending shit again ;)

ROXY: well ok cliff notes are: jake fucked off somewhere and dirk recently fucked off BACK here through a window but he left again pretty quick...

ROXY: dave went with dirk at wherever their fucking off too now, i think to get ready for some swords fightin, and yeah jade is still asleep but a coupla trolls lugged her off somewhere safe for now

ROXY: the REST of the junk im still sorting out myself bcs like i said im new to this exact plane of shenanigans

JANE: Yes, you mentioned that.

JANE: I still don't know what you meant by...

JANE: Wait!

JANE: You and John came from another reality, where everything went horribly, right?

ROXY: m-hmmm!

JANE: I just remembered. Really, it's been such a rollercoaster ride for my memory, since I fell asleep.

JANE: Your and John's travels were a critical part of the illustrated story we reconstructed through our memories with Callie.

ROXY: wat!

ROXY: you saw callie in your dreams????

JANE: I did!

ROXY: hoh man

ROXY: how is she!

ROXY: i saw her in a dream a little while ago and we talked about lots of stuff

ROXY: she looked like a troll then

JANE: Yes, her trollsona! She had hers on when I saw her.

JANE: And we had ours on too!

ROXY: :O FUCK

JANE: She seemed to be doing well.

JANE: Nervous, of course, since she was hiding. But we passed the time with our stories.

JANE: It was a lot of fun! I'm so happy I got to meet her.

JANE: I wonder if I'll ever get the chance again?

ROXY: wellll...

ROXY: now that u mention it

ROXY: it IS one of my chief objectives to go lookin for her asap

ROXY: aaand not to be THAT ROGUE n brag all heavy but i MAY be in better touch with my void powers now

ROXY: soo maybe i stand a p good chance of trackin her down?

ROXY: cus i GOT somethin for her

JANE: You do?? What? :B

ROXY: just a lil presie, nbd

JANE: ...

JANE: I see.

ROXY: JK IT IS CRUCIAL FUKKIN BLING JANEY

ROXY: ONE (1) PRICELESS DIGIT DONUT!!!

ROXY: W/ MORE KARATS THAN A RABBIT TOO FAT FOR A HOLE

ROXY: (s'magic to)

JANE: WOW!!!!!!!!!!

JANE: Ahem, so,

JANE: You mean a ring, then.

JOHN: yeah!

JOHN: oh man, that's a great idea roxy.

JOHN: you should try and give it to her as soon as you can!

JOHN: then maybe we can all meet her before we ramp up for this battle?

ROXY: hmm yeh!

ROXY: u think i can do it?

JOHN: sure!

ROSE: I like your chances too.

ROSESPRITE: Same!

JASPERSPRITE: Me too roxy! :3

ROSE: I also have some experience helping people along in the right direction, when it comes to navigating the abyss.

ROSE: Maybe I could assist?

ROXY: yeah maybe!

ROSESPRITE: I'm pretty sure I have experience performing literally the exact same task, in a slightly different context.

ROSESPRITE: So maybe I can double assist?

JOHN: see roxy? everyone thinks you should do it, because they all believe in you.

JANE: That's right!

ROXY: shucks fuckers ._.

ROXY: yall killin me here <3

JASPERSPRITE: Meow im so happy!

ROXY: frigglish u silly bastard whats up?

JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr...

JASPERSPRITE: All the humans being so close together and happy and friendly purr purr.

JASPERSPRITE: Its making me really excited and happy too and making me feel like i want to be a part of everything!

JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr and get close to a nearby person and be happy at them with my body purrrr...

ROSESPRITE: Jaspers, what are you...

JASPERSPRITE: I cant help it rose i want to cuddle im feeling so pleased and friendly! :3 :3 :3

ROSESPRITE: Jaspers, no,

ROSESPRITE: No, don't!

ROSESPRITE: JASPERS, NOOOOO!

JASPERSPRITE: :3 purrrrrrr

[evita-shelby]

Tie your heart to mine

Chapter 1

Cw:casual use of ethnic slur

She is wearing a yellow dress when he first sees her.

Some girl Lois made friends with weeks ago and invited to her gig because Tom kept teasing her and Connie about whether Diane the Gypsy was real.

A soft smile painted red and a twinkle in her mismatched eyes telling Tom no girl here could ever be as interesting as her.

He was here with another girl, some neighborhood girl he admits to stringing along because her dear old dad is a police officer and the bobby hates it.

She’s with the gypsies ---no, the Romani as Lois said the girl in the yellow dress calls them--- but you wouldn’t know it from the way she behaves.

Behaves like a lady, wears clothes finer than Lois could ever dream of having even if she were to marry Harry and even her Brummie accent had that strange polish to it.

Got a secret, that one.

A secret Tom Bennett's going to find out.

“What a gentleman you are, leaving your poor date in the lurch like that.” The girl said the moment he reaches her with a drink he didn’t pay for.

“Call me Tom.” He said putting on the charm that comes as easy to him as breathing.

“Diane.”

She plays hard to get, keeps him on his toes and gives him enough to know its not a matter of if but when.

Even if they weren’t anything yet, all of Longsight knew her as Bennett’s girl.

Much like Eva Smith was known as Tommy Shelby’s girl before she even gave him a chance.

But the boy Diane was seeing was not like her father even if they shared a name.

Tom Bennett was far more brash and irresponsible in a way even Finn wasn’t , a petty criminal because he couldn’t bother himself to stick to a job for more than a handful of weeks, but wouldn’t join a gang because his dad raised him better than that and lived in the present with no care for the future ---or other people’s feelings--- half the time.

And sure he was very much like all the boys before him, but there was something about him that drew her in.

Maybe the self-confidence, or the fact he takes her caution and games seriously.

Well, seriously enough not to cross the lines she’s placed unless she is ready to cross them.

“Don’t you think he might be sniffing about you because you are a Shelby?” Janey Dogs asked viewing the boy with a lense of well-intentioned suspicion.

“That’s the glory of it, Janey, he doesn’t know I’m a Shelby.” Diane smirked in the mirror.

Best way to know of someone is interested in you for you and not because your dad is the infamous Sir Thomas Shelby MP OBE.

If it wasn’t because he was a gangster and leader of the Peaky Blinders, it was because he was made a baronet in 1935, had become a very powerful member of Parliament and Oswald Mosley’s archenemy.

All Tom knows is that she is a wealthy Romni with a touch of magic and a Mexican mother.

“You seeing him again tonight?” Jane asked knowing the answer already.

“His sister’s singing tonight, I wasn’t going but I got the booker from one of the bigger dance halls to drop in and see if she’s good enough for his stage.”

There had been something extra for him to pretend he doesn’t know her or her last name.

It would all go to shit if Tom knew she was a Shelby, she’s sure of it.

He’d think she was just another bored rich girl using him for her fun.

It’s better this way.

Him being just a boy and she just a girl.

Janey is worrying for nothing, the young witch tells herself when she sees him.

“Was thinking you wouldn’t show tonight, Di.” Tom grins at her when he meets her outside the place Lois is playing at.

Diane’s heart flutters at the sight of him these days, doesn’t mind him reeking of cigarette smoke or that he nicked his hand stealing metal again.

Its better this way, her head tells her, it never ends well for you.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Tom.” She said returning his smile.

[vaulttecexec]

@janeyjhoward → ❝ don’t play the victim. ❞ the scene: they're talking abt the divorce w/young adult janey and someone did not react well. don't hurt me too much, mother. (x, accepting)

don't play the victim.

"what do you want me to tell you, janey? do you want me to tell you that i fucked up? that i miscalculated? it isn't his fault, and he had no part in it? i don't know what it is you want to hear." she rubs her brow, easing a budding migraine.

she'd asked, and barb wasn't going to lie to her. she was old enough to know what happened and why.

"i didn't intentionally hurt your father. i didn't go out of my way to ruin my own marriage. i didn't plan to be doing this alone. i didn't want to keep fighting, okay?" there's a sincerity there. she doesn't want to keep fighting now, either.

don't play the victim.

"and that? the fighting? it's all we did. for months, we fought about everything and nothing, and the only thing we could agree on was you, because the best thing i've ever done in my life is you. i'm sorry if i ruined your life and if i made things harder. trust me, it wasn't my plan to." she needs out of that office. they're rehashing feelings she shoved in a box to keep going.

don't play the victim.

"so, yeah, kid. i don't talk about him. i don't pit you against him to have you like me better, and i don't tell you he's an awful person, because i don't know him anymore. i'm not exactly his best memory, am i? i'm just the woman he thought he knew and ended up hating by the end of it all. " she says. "and it's easy for you to hate me, because i'm the one giving you all the rules, and the structure, and i work too much, right? that's fine, janey. you aren't the first howard to hate me. but what we won't do? what we aren't going to do is sit here and claim is that i'm playing the victim in shit, because i've owned up to what i've done. every time. do you understand me?"

so, having a young adult was worse than having a teenager. who would've known.

[houseofpurplestars]

lol doing my rewatch out of order but thats okay

The way Max is in full trauma survivor mode in Vault 4. He's suspicious of people being nice to them. Suspicious of people smiling. He straight up tries to tell Lucy, "when people are nice..." and I just know this was going to be something like, "they're probably trying to hurt/trick you" and Max, baby, I feel you

Coop's response to Charlie when he says "fiduciary responsibility" really highlights his privilege here. He's more or less like no I'm too pretty for big words. Between this and the hot tub scene it really gets driven home how Coop is pretty clueless and Barb probably takes care of like EVERYTHING... and I mean, that tracks. He's a white man, to him his greatest worries are his creature comforts. She's a Black woman trying to survive in racist capitalism so...yeah she's more involved with everything than he is. The stakes are so much fucking higher for her.

In the hot tub scene I just see her STRUGGLING like she WANTS to just tell him the truth, but instead she says "vault-tec exists with or without me," which basically means, "bad shit is gonna happen no matter what and I'm trying to put us on the winning side of it" but Coop is too invested in his naivete to hear the truth. She really knows he's not going to hear it when he keeps harranging her about leaving vault-tec. I also think Barb saying they'll "get Janey a job in payroll when she's 15" can be an indicator that Janey is still in the vault tec system somewhere.

The way this no dogs in the vault convo goes omfg. When Coop like some good ol boy says "I want to know about my freedom" you can see the kill bill sirens on Barb. On the word freedom she has this look like "this white man did not just say that to me." When he starts talking about "I didn't go to war blah blah blah" she is about to murder him GET HIM BARB (like cmon he didn't go to war for freedom he went to war for the american colony like everyone else)

She says, "you don't get it. That is the best we can hope for" (getting into the management vault.) He does NOT get it. He does NOT know that existential fear like a Black woman does, he does NOT know how to settle for less or make hard decisions. That's not the life he wants. I'm sure Coop would be happy for them all to die on their little ranch in Bakersfield (which Barb has a VERY interesting reaction when he mentions) but that's not enough for Barb. She's doing all this work. She just needs him to trust her and get with the program so she can handle this.

This scene is really heartbreaking because you can see how they are on different planets. To Barb, this shit is urgent. She knows what vault tec is doing. To Coop, he's still in that place of like, I think, kind of reminds me a little how people are about the pandemic like, "I don't want to think about that," or "that won't happen" or "whatever it will be fine" and that is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Barb. She needs to be in control of SOMETHING that can help her save her family. She knows too goddamn much.

I really am so like confused at the way fandom is confused about Barb. I see so many people saying they just don't understand where she's coming from but I'm just like UH HELLO?

[harleehazbinfics]

I like to think that with the cannibal chef overlord spin off that Chef has a 5 star restaurant and it’s Hell’s Kitchen (love that show) and when she’s not with Alastor or the others she’s kinda like Gordon with her employees (btw the souls she owns) idk I think that would be so funny!

Like Alastor sees her working and yelling at everyone and he just has heart eyes 😍

A moment in Hell's Greatest Kitchen [Cannibal Chef!Reader Spin-off]

a/n: ngl, i loved writing this. thank you for the ask!

Cannibal chef! reader m.list | Author profile

"YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! CAN'T YOU PREPARE A SIMPLE MEAL?"

I flinch at the sound as I almost cut my finger from chopping the vegetables. I peeked out of lashes to see my boss cussing out my co-workers while they cooked sweating profusely from the heat and the insults being thrown at them.

"EVERYONE CLEAN YOUR STATIONS! IT LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN PIGSTY HERE. I'M RUNNING A RESTAURANT, NOT SOME ESTABLISHMENT WHERE YOU BRAIN DEAD LITTLE PIGGIES CAN SHIT IN."

I immediately threw my peels in the bin and wiped the counter then placing my knives back to their drawer.

This was my boss. Hell's largest Cannibal Overlord, (y/n). Aside being a household name in hell to be wary of, she was also a well-respected chef. I idolized her even before we died. I lived during her era and even got the opportunity to work in her restaurant when we were alive. It was tough to get in and work with her, but it was tougher to stay there. Thankfully, luck was on my side to work with her for 6 years before her death.

She was as mean as she was before, however, I do get jumpy at loud noises. She was tough on us, prioritizing the customer's satisfaction and cleanliness around the

Even after she was outed as a cannibal and was executed I devoted myself to her and followed after her. Which led me here.

"You! Daniel! Pick up the pace! Table's 5 and 10 are done with their appetizers," she yells at me making me flinch and nod.

"Yes, chef!" I replied making her give me a nod of acknowledgement. i blush while doing my duties as I replay her calling my name in my head. 'She remembers me!' I scream giggling in my head.

"Pardon me. I apologize for getting in your way," the tall red deer demon apologizes after bumping into me, I nod dismissing it and stirred the pot I already seasoned.

He gives me a tight-lipped smile and walks forward to a corner to avoid getting in our way. He stares at Chef (y/n) with adoring eyes and a large smile as she pinched a sinner by the ear and twisting it then screaming on it. Which the red hair only gives out a dreamy sigh.

That was Alastor, the Radio Demon. He and my boss had a very special relationship, it's quite intimate from what I've seen. From what I heard, Alastor approached Chef (y/n) and submitted his soul to her, and from then on, they were inseparable. Chef had a soft side when it came to him, she'd latch on to him and lean on him even often baby talking to him. It had us all stunned when she first introduced Alastor to us, her change in demeanor was very telling she liked him a lot.

So, whenever we were in a pinch.

"Uh! Chef! Sir Alastor is here!" another sinner tells her, in an attempt to save our co-worker.

You then turn to the direction they pointed and skipped towards the deer, "Alastor, honey!" she greets before giving him a kiss.

The sinners in the back on their knees thanking the Radio Demon for saving their asses.

"Good morning, madam," he greets holding onto her waist, "A lively morning, isn't it?"

"It's better now with you around," (y/n) coos as she snuggles deeper into his embrace.

And this is how every morning in Hell's Kitchen. Gore, Food and Love.

🔗Cannibal Chef! Reader Taglist:

@bonnie-02 @marxo5 @whaatttlaufey @froggybich @rybunnie @midorichoco @lucifers-silhouette @kimmis-stuff @bontensbabygirl @janey @akiqvq @wonderlandangelsposts @spoiled-slutt @roboticsuccubus83 @atlas-rin @yuriohoe04 @azullynxx @milk-bulb @hahalame @aria-tempest @speedycoffeedelight @0strawberrysorbet0 @amitiel-truth @corvid007 @kaminarithebest @enby-goblin @whydosnakesnotdance @wtvbabes @willow404 @psychoanalyze0 @sweetadonisbutbetter @manachpo @dionysusismypatrongod @obessivlyonline

[totallyf1ne]

Chapter one - Bus stop

I hate riding the bus to school. It's loud and people don't know how to just sit the hell down, But I guess as long as I have my earbuds on and I'm sitting in a window seat I'm totally fine.

I just can't wait until Chester gets the money to finally buy himself a car. He's had his license since sophomore year, so it's about time he has a car.

He wants a Mazda Mx-5, a silver one to be specific, how do I know? Well one, he tells me about it all the time, and two, he makes us go to the auto mall near the rundown KFC and just stares at it for literal hours on end.

Last week when we revisited it I asked him “Why don't you ask your parents to just buy it for you or something?”

His parents are wealthy as hell, so it was a pretty good question. He said the reason was because they wanted him to learn to make money for himself and not always rely on his parent's wealth. I think that's pretty stupid and personally believe that if you have money, you should spend it.

I'm Jane McCarter, I'm 17 years old and I live in Bakersfield California with my dad and my pet fish.

I am currently a senior at Westfield High and my best friend, the dork I mentioned earlier, is Chester Allen, we've been friends since 5th grade.

I'm not really “close” friends with any other person besides him and if I'm being honest, Id prefer to just stick with that. Well, I have these... “Acquaintances” that I don't really hang out with but just chat with, like Markus for example, he's chill.

—

As Jane hops off the last step of the bus, she almost bumps Markus Reed, who was on his longboard but quickly makes an abrupt stop and takes off his headphones. “Oh shit, I'm sorry Jane,” he says as he picks the longboard up with one hand. “It's whatever, don't worry about it.” Jane says, dusting off her denim skirt “soo, I didn't see you last Sunday? You said you'd cover my shift?” Markus said scratching his elbow. “Oh yeah uh, I forgot to tell you, I quit.” Markus’s grin fades “What? Really? Why??” he whines as they start walking down the sidewalk.

“I dunno, my parents want me to get a better-paying job with more hours.”

“Oh, I see,” Markus says before loudly sighing, a little disappointed that he’s lost one of his favorite working buddies. He always liked working with Her. “Well, good luck with that. I’m sure you’ll find something good.”

They walk in awkward silence for a moment before Markus speaks up again. “So, how’s Chester doing?”

“He’s good,” Jane says. “He still hasn’t gotten that car, though. I really hope he gets it soon 'cause I’m tired of taking the stupid god-forsaken bus.” She says before rolling her eyes.

“Yeah I hope he gets that car soon too, I want him to drive me to the Winter Formal this year,” Markus says as he flutters his eyelashes and clasps his hands together, cartoon hearts practically appearing in his eyes.

“Ugh,” she groans. “don’t tell me you still have a thing for fucking Chester Allen. Trust me he’s not into you He thinks you're, and I quote, “spazzy super–senior”. Jane air quoted with her fingers.

“I can’t help it! I have a thing for nerdy, zit-ridden, glasses-wearing men! And i don’t give two shits about what he says nor thinks about me.” He flips his jet-black hair over his shoulder. Jane rolls her eyes at his antics.

“Mark! Over here, dude!” One of Markus’s friends called out from one of the corners of the school. “Well, I’ll see you later, Janey Waney.”

“Never call me that again, please.” Jane pinches the bridge of her nose as he chuckles and continues down the sidewalk on his longboard toward his group of friends.

She starts walking towards the school doors and pushes them open, a whiff of cheap Ross cologne and smelly sweaty teens fill the air.

Humming a tune to herself, she wondered where the hell her best friend was and why he was so late.

Walking down the hallways she unclasps her grey, sticker ridden, Nokia flip phone from the waistband of her long skirt, a Skelanimals keychain dangles from the end as she opens it up, clicking the tiny buttons to find Chester’s number. Once she finally finds it, she presses and hears the ring, waiting for an answer.

“JANE!” Chester shouts out from behind her. “Holy shit Chester don’t fucking do that! I nearly pissed myself!” people turn their heads, but when they see where the loud voice was coming from they roll their eyes and go back to whatever they were doing.

“Sorry! Sorry! But I’ve been looking for you for a long time! you weren’t at the bus stop or at your locker?!?” He frantically says, out of breath from all the speed-walking he’s been doing searching for her.

"Relax! got sidetracked talking to Markus Reed," Jane explains, placing her phone back on the waistband of her skirt as they begin walking down the hall.

. "I had to tell him about me quitting Hot Topic, and then he started talking about how much he wanted to rail you or something, I don’t remember, I kinda tuned him out."

Chester’s face cringes. “Markus reed? Gosh, I hate that guy. He’s so weird with me.”

“Yeah I know, you tell me every time his name comes up,” Jane says before finally approaching her locker, twisting the lock to enter her combination and swinging it open to grab her textbooks.

She changes the subject. "The school bus can be such a pain sometimes. But at least I don't have to worry about finding a parking spot.”

Chester lets out a small laugh. "True, true, I can't wait until I finally get my baby (his car). Then we can drive ourselves to school and not have to worry about being late, fighting for a seat on the bus, or having our parents drive us."

Jane lightly grins. "Yeah. But in the meantime, we'll just have to make do.” She says before locking back her locker and placing the textbooks in her satchel.

As they walk back down the hallways towards their shared first period, She starts to wonder if she'll ever be as “outgoing” as Chester is. He seems to know most people in the school (seeing how he is vice president of the student council) and is always involved in some sort of activity or club. Jane herself has always been more of an introvert, preferring to stick with her small group of friends instead.

As they approach their English class, Jane spots Ms. Silvera, their teacher, standing outside.

Before they could enter the classroom, someone else pushed them to the side to enter before them. “excuse me!” They say with a soft giggle, pink Prada kitten heels tapping their way to their seat.

When Jane realizes who it is, anger and frustration start to boil up inside of her.

“Fucking.. Merianna Smith…” she says furiously under her breath.

It takes Chester a second to realize and when he does he has a face of worry and concern for his fellow goth bestie. “Jane just ignore her and don’t let it ruin your day, trust me it’s not worth it dude.” He says while comfortingly rubbing her shoulders.

As Chester tries to console her, Jane feels a pang of guilt for letting her hate toward Mary almost ruin another year of school. She takes a deep breath and shrugs her shoulders out of Chester's comforting hands.

"You're right, you're right," she says, calming herself down. Chester gives her a big smile before leading her inside Ms. Silvera's English class. Jane takes her seat next to Chester and tries to focus on the teacher's lesson, but she can't help feeling that her tension is still palpable.

Her eyes shift towards Mary, who is sitting 2 seats away from her and applying mascara while chatting with her posse/clique, not bothering to listen to the teacher's lesson.

Jane tries to remember when she even started to hate this girl. Was it all because of some stupid middle school drama? Or was it jealousy?

[callmearcturus]

the gross pointe blank au

goddammit i CANNOT locate the post about this

okay so before the Epilogue killed my love of HS, i was meticulously planning out a fic that spiritually became SWDKTOWL. it was the Gross Pointe Blank AU.

the basic concept was a reworking of the original movie but with dirkjake. jake and dirk were high school sweethearts-- oh shit i found the original summary

Jake English went through the same crisis a lot of teenagers do on the cusp of adulthood, and ran away from home. He ran all the way into the army and was funneled into a particular CIA program that handles extrajudicial operations. He learned plenty of important life skills, like sniping and poison application and martial executions before leaving the CIA to go into business for himself as a private contractor.

Back in Austin, Jake left behind his high school sweetheart, Dirk Strider, but Dirk Strider never quite left him, carried around like a bullet waiting for its home. First, Jake dreamed of Dirk nightly, the boy he’d stood up and run away from. Then, a few years later, he learned his old flame was running a radio show back home. Soon, Jake’s jobs were filled with the voice of that same ghost every night.

He didn’t have to acknowledge how creepy this was, pining over his ex while listening to his show during jobs. Not until a job called him back to Austin, back to his once hometown.

This was going to be awkward.

yeah so jake runs away from home, becomes a gov't agent, then goes into business as an assassin, traveling the world, meeting people, and killing them. he's very much adrift, and still hung up on the things he abandoned and left behind.

when the information tech revolution happens, jake gets a smartphone and does the one thing you should NEVER DO and looks up his ex. dirk is still in Austin, TX, and it turns out his rich daddy bought him a radio station (well, Dave bought the station and thus Dirk can do his nightly music-and-philosophy show). and when jake realizes he can stream this show, he starts doing so. every night. his phone remains synched to the time zone back in Austin just so he can always know when its time.

i had this very very vivid image of jake, just getting out of a really bad job, stealing a car, and parking it in one of those tall, automated parking garages in dubai. as he waits for his pain meds to kick in at 1am, he listens to dirk's show, his phone resting on his chest, listening to dirk talk about obscure music opinions.

(many more details under the cut)

also here's the kicker; i was going to try to uh. voice the segments and embed them in the fic. yeah i know, terrible. here's the only one i previewed, all the way back in 2019. yeah don't laugh at me.

anyway, eventually The Plot kicks off. Jake fucks up a job (i had it in my head he was supposed to assassinate Cronus but accidentally killed Eridan, and the client (Dualscar) was Not Happy). he has to take a high profile job in the US to make amends. it just so happens to be in Austin, TX. What are the fucking odds.

now in the original GPB movie, Dan Akroyd plays this rival assassin who wants to form an Assassin Union and tries to force John Cuscak to join in. that's dated now in 2022, as it was in 2019 when i was plotting this so instead:

as soon as jake lands in the US, his car is tailed. really unsubtly. he finds a secluded spot to pull off too. it turns out good old Janey wants to have a chat. now that Jake has slinked back to the US, she wants to float this idea she has of franchising the murder biz, and she wants Jake to buy in and open one of the franchises under her banner. Jake is like yeah no that seems silly, this is an industry of mentally ill folks with a shitload of guns, we're not exactly the most community-driven of peoples. Jane tells him to reconsider. 8) He should really reconsider. Under her plan, in 5 years there will be no freelance work, it'll ALLLLL be under her umbrella and if Jake knows what's good for him, he'll get in at the ground floor. They part contentiously.

So Jake is SUPPOSED to open up this dossier on his target and get to killing, but. He's back home, and can super casually drive past Dirk's radio station while listening to it. Not creepy at all! Not obsessed and hung up on it! Nope!

He gets caught out eventually, not by Dirk but by Roxy. (Roxy is trans and Jake was the first person she told her cool new name too, and they were super close back in the day.) She is hyped as fuck to see Jake but also like "yo why the fuck are you idling in a rented car outside the job of the dude you stood up so much you left the fucking country, homes?"

it's a mess, and Jake wants to reconnect with people. it's Fucking Hard because he's uuuuuuuuuuh having a midlife crisis? basically? thinking about his life, his job, and all he left behind. meanwhile, jane is trying to do jake's assassination before he can to scope it out from under him and get him into even DEEPER shit with Dualscar, but jake cannot focus on that shit when he finally can see dirk again.

and dirk is. not THRILLED to see him. because Dirk waited and waited and waited, and Jake never came back, and Dirk isn't SAYING he never got over it but. yeah. so Dirk is tsuntsundere at best with jake, but jfc every time they are in a room together they can Feel It, the tension.

All of this is interspersed with more radio segments. one i really liked was Dirk doing a Arctic Monkeys block and having a whole segment about Alex Turner and that thing he said about how he wrote the best album of 2013 ("AM") and how fucking infuriating men like that are, because he's right, obviously, but also what is the poisoned lure of dudes who walk around knowing the effect they have on you? how do you handle them? (he's talking about jake natch) there was a lot of specially curated music that's basically a conversation-by-proxy with jake, i was gonna have a lot of fun there.

anwyay, things come to a head. right as jake is like "okay I'm gonna do this final job and then QUIT and try things with dirk," he opens the dossier he shoulda opened two weeks ago.... and his target is Dave fucking Strider. dumb. fucking. luck.

jake rushes to save dirk's dad from being merced by Jane's team, and does the full john cusack, "Dirk. [murders a guy] I'm in love with you. And I think we can make this work!" action sequence

/JAZZ HANDS

[procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics]

⭐Our Great Glory⭐ for the 'fanfic writer director's cut' as it is absolutely one of my favorite fics of yours!

oh my god this took me too long (to all the requests in my inbox - guys i'm trying i promise) sorry about that. that being said, here's my directors cut for our great glory:

@ilikeitbetterangsty i hope you enjoy!

first of all, since the reader is commonborn, i wanted to highlight the circumstances of that life in King's Landing, especially during Aegon II's coronation. it ended up being around 50% of the chapter, but i really enjoyed delving into that aspect of the world of asoiaf...

also, this is really long, but i enjoyed the chance to talk about my writing a bit.

okay let's get into the writing:

There was always something disgusting or disturbing in each room that you had to clean, and you felt for the whores that had to endure through these things in the first place. All you wanted was to finish your job and then go out in search for a bowl of brown.

Your cleaning was interrupted by the madam standing in the doorway.

“What is it?” you asked.

“There’s people at the door. Go take care of them, I need to look after Janei for a bit, she had a rough night.”

Okay, so starting off with something pretty rough - asoiaf doesn't have good circumstances for any woman, especially not in KL, and even though the reader isn't a sex worker, her proximity to them makes it impossible to escape that world, and the disgusting customers that come with it. i did this to kind of make the relationship betweent he reader and criston more ~complex~

Criston is literally a white knight, in shining armor. he's supposed to be a beacon of purity - something which already stands in contrast to the regular expectations towards men in the world of hotd and got. but then he drops that facade with the reader, someone who is constantly in the thick of other people's perversions. it makes their relationship even more complicated, bc he's not pure towards her, and just reinforces her expectations towards men, and yet, he really wants to be.

An older woman stood next to you, her demeanor and stance completely out of place. She walked with the other common folk as if she owned the stones she touched, but you pretended not to notice her nobility.

So, the reader is walking next to Princess Rhaenys without knowing it, but she does understand that they're in different... tax brackets ig. i kind of stole this line from game of thrones, where varys tells tyrion that everyone knows he's nobility bc he walks like he owns the ground he walks on. the reader ignores that this other person is noble for a good reason - this other woman definitely has power over her, so if the reader calls her out, she could be in deep shit. at the same time, she kind of sets the events in the dragonpit in motion. had the reader called her out, rhaenys possibly never would have made it there.

You’d barely been more than a child when Prince Daemon had pulled the criminals into the streets, watching with wide eyes as carts of heads, limbs and eyes rolled past.

I think people love to forget a) how far these events apart and b) how this was probably extremely traumatizing to a whole generation of children in Flea Bottom. Yes, the ppl living there are horrible, but a horrible place breeds horrible people. those criminals were definitely parents/siblings/caretakers/etc. it's well within the possible that the reader lost someone that day, either via execution or due to the consequences of such violent punishments. also wanted to call daemon out on being a medieval cop.

Had they brought you here to burn you all?

again, a small throwback to game of thrones + targaryen madness. this fear is, later in the fic, proven as not that unreasonable.

King Viserys was dead, and if this was a coronation, war was on the horizon.

commoners are not stupid!!!! this is what i wanted to highlight here!! why do people always portray the nobles in asoiaf as smart and commoners as stupid? girl be fr most of us would be commoners if we went back in time. but idt that the commoners witnessing aegon's coronation were ignorant to the fact that war was on the horizon. they all knew what was coming - F&B SPOILERS COMING UP!! maybe this was a part of what heated up agressions leading up to the bread riots.

OKAY SPOILERS OVER

You knew that if you stood closer to him, you would be able to see the white of his knuckles, his thumb moving over the grip of his sword impatiently.

This is a reference to rhae rhae's wedding, where mans was grabbing his sword so tightly that it's a wonder his hand didn't explode.

Immediately, people began pushing towards the exit, trying to get away from the beast. Mere meters away from you, a man thudded against a pillar, before landing on the ground motionless.

okay, so this is the typical violence we know from asoiaf. since the focus was on the commoners in the dragon pit here, i wanted to highllight that, in a situation like this a crowd panic/crushes/collapses are bound to happen. they're in an enclosed space with a dragon. i can't believe that this wasn't highlighted in hotd, even though the show itself isn't about the commoners. in general, i'm just kinda sad that their (commoners) perspective is never really highlighted/sympathized with.

“What is your name?” you asked him, still out of breath.

“Gaemon.” The boy said faintly, and you wondered briefly if you had accidentally taken a Targaryen prince with you.

of course, there won't be some random targ kid in the bottom of the dragonpit. the reader rescues this child because it's a split second decision, and the right thing to do. it's a wonder she makes it out with a child on her shoulders, but she does make it. now, if she'd accidentally taken a real targ child with her, i think the reader would have been in deep shit, even if she'd returned him to the red keep. nobility can accuse her of whatever, so gaemon being a bastard was a massive relief for her.

Turmoil was still in the air, but already, whores were flaunting their figures.

the grind never stops in the street of silk ig... jk. or well, not really. istg if i was in flea bottom, i don't think i could take it mentally. there's a constant 180 between violence and everyday business (sex work) which is also deeply connected with violence.

The boy buried his face in your leg, and you picked him up, allowing him to look away as you walked further into the establishment.

okay, here's the thing. gaemon is a child. children don't understand things like this, but instinctually, they deeply dislike surroundings that promote violence. this can be seen in surroundings with high drug consumption/extreme poverty/etc etc while still being likely to become a perpetrator of them when they grow up. and while gaemon hates the surroundings - so does the reader, so it's again instinctual from her to make such a futile attempt at protecting him from this world he's stuck in anyway.

Essie turned to you, Gaemon on her hip. “Thank you.” She said sincerely.

“Of course.”

“Take care. And thank you for saving my son again. I cannot repay you, ever. I’ll ask the madam if there’s still a job for you here. You could make as much money as a merchant’s daughter.”

“I’m only a cleaner.” You explained.

“Still, it’ll pay better than at any other place in the Street of Silk.” She promised, giving you a small hug. You nodded, patting Gaemon on the shoulder before you made to leave again.

Essie doesn't have any money, or much other means to pay the reader back. I think in Flea Bottom and KL in general, there's a mentality of each for their own, but saving someone's child - there is bound to be gratitude, and this is what Essie can offer. a better shot at this whole each for their own thing.

You almost let out a scream as you saw the hooded figure across from you, but the man had already crossed the room, hand over your mouth.

honestly this is just criston being a hoe for drama.

“I know. I’m poor, not an idiot.” You said.

this was inspired by vikings. ivar says something along the lines of 'i'm a cripple, not an idiot' - which doesn't make that much sense since his brothers know he's smart. it does make sense in this situation, i think. it's another reference of nobility looking down on commoners, despite criston being born barely above those commoners.

“Don’t run away when this doesn’t go to plan, or I’ll gut you like my mother did to my father.” You threatened. He nodded, grabbing your hand in his own and pulling you after him.

okay, this is brutal. it's a brutal thing to do to your partner/husband. i didn't flesh out a clear backstory for the reader, but i did want to include this. it may or may not be true, but it's a desperate attempt to appear strong. that she's a person that can stand on her own two feet. if it is true, her mother prolly killed her father while he was drunk/intoxicated in some other way. realistically, the reader wouldn't stand a chance in a fight with criston, and she knows that.

“I love this side of you. I’ve never seen it, and I want more of it.” You replied.

this is another reference to just that. she doesn't quite love criston yet. he's been unkind to her. it's not a simple relationship, but she can see that there's a possibility of happiness. so, instead of lying to ser criston and saying i love you, she chooses that route.

You won’t believe how cheap everything here is.

this is just bc criston hasn't been to a grocery store in like. ten years.

“This is a manse, not a house.” You laughed, staring at the garden that bloomed around you. Terracotta tiles lined the path in front of you, leading to the house that was apparently yours.

the house is deeply inspired by mediterranean, and especially, italian houses. i'm not sure what they're called, but it's those houses in the countryside that my family would go to for the holidays. the time i spent in those houses was always some of the happiests weeks in my life. i guess it's also an ode to italy and spain, and the experiences i've made there. ofc, i've only ever been on holiday, but in general, people are more friendly and welcoming than in my homecountry germany, and many big cities in southeast asia, where i grew up in. not to mention the absolutely mouthwatering cuisine. ig that's what i wanted for the reader. she's been through enough lol.

“You will. Leaving that place saved you.”

with that place, the reader means the red keep specifically. no one there is happy. sansa is obviously not okay due to the abuse she had to endure. jaime connects most of his trauma to the red keep. cersei sits in the red keep, dreaming of home, of casterly rock (this is in the books, mostly). and why shouldn't they? literally not one character enjoys living there. same thing goes for hotd. rhaenyra leaves it due to rumors catching up to her, and the constant harassment about her sons. alicent's life is just... pretty shit. it's also due to the red keep. had she stayed in oldtown, she never would have been forced to marry viserys, abandoned by her own father and surrounded by people that were out to get something from her. daeron, who is literally alicent's only somewhat normal child, is also the only one that grew up outside the red keep. viserys is killed by living in the red keep and sitting on the iron throne (not that i have much sympathy for him).

now, there's this theme in asoiaf with the corruption through power, and how the iron throne embodies that, but i think that that also extends to the characters in the red keep. either, they're victims of people that seek power (helaena, sansa, tommen, etc) or, they're people made miserable BECAUSE they seek that power (cersei, daemon, kevan, etc).

okay that was A LOT. but yeah, these were kind of my thoughts on the fic and the lines behind it. i hope you enjoyed :)))

[bridgertonbabe]

Do Benedict and Eloise ever find out about Sophie & Phillip’s wedding pact? At Collin’s 40th birthday party, does Michael turn up in a tuxedo with an officiant in tow, which Penelope and Fran find hilarious?

At Sophie and Phillip's 30th they joke how if they hadn't gotten together with their respective partners that they would have had to go through with their pact - a pact which both Benedict and Eloise are only hearing about for the first time. They're surprised that their partners ever felt the need to have a hypothetical pact in place, thinking it ridiculous that Sophie and Phillip thought it likely that they'd probably be alone without somebody to love by the time they turned thirty. Sophie tells Ben that the pact had been loosely agreed on because of her fourteen year old self being jealous of his then relationship with his ex and she wanted some sort of back-up should she have to sit back and watch him live a wondrously happy life with Tessa. Benedict finds Sophie's jealousy from sixteen years ago hilariously adorable but assures her that he wouldn't have been able to have a wondrously happy life married to anyone else but her. Meanwhile when Eloise asks Phillip why he thought he'd be single at thirty her husband points out that he's never been the most outgoing of people, especially in stark contrast to Colin and Michael, and that he never thought he'd have the guts to pursue someone he actually liked. And on top of that he assumed anyone who might be interested in him would find him boring due to his infinite love of herbology, which is why the thought of having Sophie as a safety net for a marriage based purely in companionship appealed to him. Thankfully he tells his wife that he counts his lucky stars everyday that fate had provided him with marriage to the most perfect woman who he couldn't imagine life without.

And as for Colin and Michael, of course Michael wouldn't be able to resist pulling such a joke on his best friend. When Colin and Penelope and their family arrived at Aubrey Hollow for his birthday celebrations they were met by the entire family dressed in formal attire and then Michael stepped forward decked in the same suit he wore at his own wedding.

"Ah, my beloved, here you are at last!" Michael greeted and kissed Colin on the cheek.

"What the fu-?"

"Come along now. We can't leave the officiant waiting all day." Michael insisted, tugging Colin to link his arm with his.

"What are you talking about?!"

"Remember? The pact? When I agreed to take you on if you were still single by your fortieth?"

"Are you serious?" Colin squawked. "But I'm not single! I'm very happily married!"

"Ooph. I'm sorry, is this the way you're finding out Pen filed for divorce?" Michael grimaced at him but sent a cheeky wink over his shoulder where Penelope was poorly stifling her giggles.

"Oh ha-ha." Colin deadpanned. "Great bit and all, Mike, but I'm not marrying you."

"Daddy?" he looked down to where his young daughter was bouncing eagerly on the balls of her feet and looking up to him with hope-filled eyes. "If you're not marrying Uncle Michael, can I marry him please?"

Colin stared at his daughter and then turned furiously to Michael, who wore a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Why Janey, I'd be honoured,"

"Nope!" Colin butted in. "Absolutely not! Don't you dare!"

"Well come on now, Col. Be reasonable. There has to be some sort of nuptials, otherwise I confunded Simon to be the officiant for nothing."

Colin looked over to where the wedding arch was set up and observed his brother-in-law in a strange dopey state, as if waiting to be properly activated.

"Not to mention all the kids were looking forward to watching the make-believe wedding between Uncle Colin and their favourite Uncle Michael." Michael grinned.

Colin narrowed his eyes at him but when he surveyed his surrounding nieces and nephews he couldn't help but notice that they were all in fact looking to him with bubbling excitement, clearly having been promised a silly little playout of their uncle marrying another uncle on his birthday. So, never one to let people down entertainment-wise, Colin heaved out a sigh and turned back to Michael.

"Fine." he huffed out. "Let's get this over and done with, you idiot."

A collective cheer went around the garden before Colin reluctantly allowed himself to be marched down the aisle by Michael. After Michael read out his anecdotal vows much to the amusement of everyone watching, Simon announced they were married and Michael grabbed a hold of Colin's face and gave him a big fat kiss.

"Do you know what the funny thing is?" Michael said to Sophie and Phillip later on. "I actually got Simon ordained for real."

Sophie and Phillip very slowly twisted their heads to stare at him, blinking pointedly as they processed what Michael was inferring.

"Wait a minute; you're not technically married to Colin, are you?" Sophie frowned.

"Yes, there might perhaps be a chance Colin and I are legally married in the state of Hawaii." Michael smirked deviously.

"Merlin's beard, Michael." Phillip face-palmed.

"Oh relax. It's not legally binding unless we go to Hawaii and consummate the marriage."

[andysandfordcomedy]

5 Rules You Don’t Have to Follow, but will likely make you better at stand up comedy

***Ahoy-hoy! Mi llamo Andy & je suis comedian. Sometimes I will blog a lil comedy thingy like this and some people, likely comedians, tell me they find it helpful. That’s great, but a mere coincidence as I blog these blogs for me. As a reminder of my own principles/opinions/hard earned wisdom by way of experience (I’m old). I’m just putting this little caveat here to let the readers know that you may disagree with me, or think I’m super duper double bubble bug ass wrong…but idgaf, and I don’t wanna hear what you have to say about me bein so wrong. Also, you’re wrong, not me. I’m right about this stuff and little else. That said, here are some “rules” no one has to follow because there are no rules really. You can be as bad at comedy as you want.***

Rule 1: ask yourself, “am I *really* grinding?” Did you answer “yes?” Well, knock it off.

Who are you? This isn’t 8 Mile. No shadowboxing! No grinding! Nnno! a grind is a grind. It sucks. I do comedy all the time because it’s what I want to be doing. This getting a boner over how many sets you got in this week won’t make you a better comedian. It’ll make you think other people must think you’re working hard…does that do something for you? Well, it’s stupid and not anything to work towards. I guess the rule here is never forget that comedy is fun. No one asked you to do this. You don’t ever have to do comedy against your will. If it’s grueling, quit. For real, if what keeps you going is career accomplishments, or how cool you think you’ll look to Jimmy and Janey Applesauce: quit now. The Applesauces are worried about their own Applesauce bullshit. Also, one sure fire way to not do well is to not have fun. So have fun. It’s fun.

2.) Keep it simple. A common mistake many comics make is to try and weave some complicated tapestry that ventures way out the margins and “all comes together” at the end. I put quotes around “all comes together” because it doesn’t. And if it did, there’s no benefit to that. No audience will appreciate how aimlessly yonder bound your bit got in the middle. People, en mass, are kinda dumb (sorry people). It is true though that when people become part of a crowd, they are less discerning in their listening and more so become part of a single organism: the crowd. Do one joke, then the next joke, then the next joke. Keep doing this and don’t complicate it. It is simple (not easy). The more clearly and concisely you get your premise across, the better. Don’t add filler, identify it and cut it. Make yourself easy to listen to, and make sure everything you say is crucial to the joke. The effect of super concise jokes over time equals more than the sum of their parts. Trust me, or don’t. Moving on.

3.) Don’t be a dick to other comics. These are your peers, asshole. You don’t have to respect everybody, but treat everyone with respect. Only talk shit in a very tight circle of homies really late at night. Do not try to big dawg people and act like you having put more time into comedy buys you bully points. That’s gonna backfire real fast when the inevitably funnier comic who started way more recent than you bullies back and you can’t say a damn thing. Don’t be a dick. Don’t do it. Why ya wanna be a dick anyway? Be as cool as possible; especially to newer comics that are openly excited about things you forgot meant something to you once upon a time. Catch some of their comedy placenta goo and rub it in. That’s that pure shit. Being jaded is for fucking losers.

4. Don’t run the light. People often go way over time trying to get one decent laugh to dismount from a laughless set. Why?! Get outta there! It’s a wash. A gymnast doesn’t stumble around on the balance beam, arms flailing, racking their nuts, and then nail a dismount to save the routine. No, they blew it already, and imagining that is way funnier than your dismount joke taking you way into overtime. Also, the light is a light so that no one has to hear about it. Do not announce that you’re getting the light. It’s not clever or subversive in some way. It’s just unprofessional.

5. It is always a good time to be professional. I understand the temptation at an all comic open mic to be the kid at the back of the class giving the least fucks. I laugh at that person too and appreciate them, but I don’t ever wanna be them. It takes no balls to not give a shit. No skill. There is a different sort of satisfaction to go up 10th at a shitty open mic where everyone is throwing it and tryin to cool guy riff, and you just work out material like you give a shit and make the whole room feel dumb. That feeling is palpable, and it’s a different kind of killing. It’s what ya want, trust me. Or don’t trust me AGAIN. My point is, why do this thing just to not really be doing it in the face of it being hard? If it were easy, everyone would be great, but everyone isn’t. Very few are great, and when you see them you know. It takes time and serious effort and tinkering to get really good, but it’s the best tbh. Comedy is only more fun to me with almost 16 years under my belt. I don’t get that excited when I do well enough to find no fuck ups; I feel content. It’s better than feeling stoked because I know it’s not outside the norm. That’s that shit IMO.

Anyway, that’s all. Just bloggin around. Toodles.

-Andy

[pesterloglog]

Jake English, Dirk Strider

Page 47

JAKE: What in the flibergating fuck!

DIRK: That’s not a word.

JAKE: Dirk!

DIRK: ‘Sup.

JAKE: Am I still dreaming? I have to tell you my dream hangovers are not usually nearly this bad!

DIRK: I wasn’t going to say anything, but holy shit, dude. You’ve really let yourself go.

DIRK: Not to say the sloppy drunk look isn’t working for me, because it absolutely is, but come on, man.

DIRK: You passed out in a puddle of your own drool. And what the fuck is that on your face?

JAKE: My face? What do you mean on my face?

DIRK: The moustache, Jake. Who’s idea was that.

JAKE: Oh! You dont like it?

DIRK: I didn’t say that.

DIRK: Point is, you are a fucking wreck, and no amount of well-maintained facial hair is going to be enough to hide that. Not from me.

JAKE: Now see here buster you dont know the situation. You havent been here!

DIRK: We’ve had this conversation before, dingus. I’m you. And I’m me. But I only exist because of your powers. The fact that I’m manifesting here, in the new universe, outside of a dream, is evidence in itself for just how absolutely boned you are.

DIRK: What are you doing? There’s a war happening. All of your friends are out there fighting, and you’re just here, what...dusting?

DIRK: Taking care of a house that nobody actually uses?

DIRK: You’ve been a useless sack of shit for two decades. I’m here to kick your ass back into active duty.

DIRK: You’ve spent years feeling sorry for yourself, totally convinced you made the wrong choices and that it’s all over. And it’s easier that way, isn’t it? If you’re a lost cause you don’t have to try to be better.

DIRK: But you do want to be better. Remember all those dreams about adventure? Life? Love? Remember when Tavros was born and there were so many things in this world you wanted to show him.

DIRK: Beautiful things, Jake.

DIRK: But none of those are going to come from sitting around playing house-husband to your ecto-son.

JAKE: Well what do you propose i do if youre so gosh-darned brainy!

JAKE: Im a cracking good marksman and no slouch when it comes to fisticuffs but what good am i in a war??

JAKE: Ive got some panache but i can hardly hold my own in the face of an army!

JAKE: And what side am i supposed to be fighting on? for jane or against her?

DIRK: Against her. Obviously. What the fuck, dude.

JAKE: But you were the one who wanted her to run in the first place! You wrote her bloody speeches!

DIRK: Yeah, I did. And every single one of them kicked ass. I wanted Jane to be the democratically elected president. Not a cake-slinging Jeff Bezos with a great rack.

JAKE: Jeff who?

DIRK: Don’t worry about it. The point is, you have a chance to make a difference. You’re in the perfect position to infiltrate her operation.

JAKE: Like...a spy?

DIRK: Don’t try to tell me it doesn’t appeal to you. Sexy little suit. Slicked back hair. A bunch of weapons hidden in unlikely places. We’re both liking this idea more and more.

JAKE: Ahahaha well i do look fetching in a cummerbund.

JAKE: Wait! No! You tricked me with thoughts of spies and hijinks and two bros against the world!

JAKE: I left janey! Theres no going back now! She isnt exactly the sort to live and let live you know.

DIRK: That’s horseshit and we both know it. Jane would take you back in a second. She loves you.

JAKE: Psshaw. Not to be maudlin brain ghost dirk but jane hasnt cared about me in a very a long time if she ever did at all.

JAKE: I thought you knew everything i do.

DIRK: There’s a part of you that still hopes. You can’t help it. You’ll never be able to help it. You’re going to hope for a brighter future until you’re in the ground.

DIRK: Better you than me, honestly. Sounds exhausting.

DIRK: You’re going to do this, and we both know it. So why are we even still arguing?

[deepest-dope]

Episode 1 Part 3

Yeah Cave’s been stuck in way worse then this. You’re hit with a wave of dusty air as you enter.

Yep that makes sense I guess. He tries not to think about falling through any floors as hard as he can but he’s not too successful. I’m just gonna be anxious about that the entire time aren’t I? Think about some other shit dammit! Just try to find something nice to say! Hey wait I actually recognize this style-”the architecture is breathtaking. Chateauesque style is reminiscent of the Biltmore estate“

Y’know what? That was a positive response, and I’ll fucking take it. He thinks none too spitefully. Hell yeah tell me more about the architecture, participate in the conversation, bitch. He thinks to himself. Successfully got a two sentence reply along with it Cave 2 Tabitha 0

...Nevermind that she’s showing me around now. Obediently he follows her lead and tries to copy her path through the halls well enough to commit to memory. He does NOT want to fall through the floor in here. He’s not sure how many hours Tabitha is going to work this week but he’s pretty sure if he gets stuck in a hole he’ll be there a while. He’s in extra danger with all the weight he’s put on in the past 3 years.

“It’s nice” He says, neutrally as possible, he’s worked in significantly worse kitchens in his life, actually been payed too on occasion. Its actually pretty nice in here compared to the entrance. He slots do a little cleaning himself while Tabitha isn’t looking away for later since Janey doesn’t seem very thorough. He could probably knock out that sink full of dishes in an hour. He’ll think about the mac n cheese and ice cream thing later cause, she’s definitely not surviving off just that right? and barely registers her reply. Nonchalantly as possible he slides the question by

Not very encouraging for the “does she subsist on nothing but macaroni, pb&j, and ice cream“ question...He thinks while idly sticking a pin in the “commit hostile takeover of her kitchen” idea for later. He doesn’t get the vibe that she cooks at all so it’ll probably be near effortless. Start with something like pancakes and see if I can dig any food preferences out of her. Go from there and try to get her to eat some kind of veg...”Sweet, thanks. Alright, whats next on the tour?” ...wait “Is that your cat? Whats its name?”

Yeah okay I know better then to test that. To the bathroom it is.

Yeah I’ve been in significantly worse bathrooms then this. Just get it over with.

Nothing worse then what I’ve already done to them myself though...He just sort of absently nods through the “you better be grateful” and “no room in the closets from there”  None too casually “This is a nice room thank you” because he wasn’t raised to be an awful guest. He politely sits through her historic landmark and genuine antique spiel before throwing one last offer out for the road. “Do you need any help around the house? There’s a lot of boxes and stuff lying around here. I could help move things around and fix the place up” Or about as much as moving things around would fix it up. Make it a bit less cluttered at least. He expected the rejection at this point and isn’t too soured by it. “I guess I’ll start to get settled.” He just lets Tabitha leave instead of bothering her anymore with his presence.

[raziraphale]

Pinned - Quick Links/Creative Works Masterpost

AO3  | Fan Fiction (#my fanfic)

Icon Edits (#icons) | All Edits (#edits) | Gifs (#gifs)

Drive Archive of all My Icons (free to use)

Index with Links to Individual Fan Fiction Works (under the cut):

The fics listed below are sorted first alphabetically by fandom, then by date (oldest to newest). Only fics posted after 2017 are listed here, but all my fics since 2013 are still listed on my AO3.

Format: Fandom - Title - Word Count - Rating - Pairing.

Borderlands | ain’t nothing in this world for free | 9.5k | T | Rhys/Zer0

Zer0 wasn’t entirely sure why they had given Rhys their number but, regardless, it was too late to take it back. “It is for business,” Zer0 said quickly, hoping their embarrassment was hidden well enough behind the blank slate of their helmet “Professional inquiries, you understand, Rhys.” Rhys and Zer0 go on a series of totally-not-dates, packed with murder, road-trips, shiny guns, karaoke, and Ikea furniture. Or: the five times Rhys called Zer0 to spend time together under the pretence of a job, and the one time Zer0 finally became fed up enough to call Rhys out on it.

Borderlands | In One Ear | 4.5k | T | Rhys/Zer0

“So, you mean to tell me,” [Maya] said quietly, feeling a headache coming on “That a close friend of yours has been in a relationship for practically a year now, and none of you noticed?” As Zer0 and Rhys come up on their one-year anniversary, Maya attempts to organize a surprise party amongst their friends and fellow Vault Hunters. Unbeknownst to her and the happy couple, however, no one else seems to have actually figured out that Rhys and Zer0 are together. Or: the five times people seemed to come to the completely wrong conclusion about the nature of Zer0 and Rhys’ relationship.

Borderlands | Rest For The Wicked | 3.7k | T | Athena/Janey, Rhys/Zer0

If asked, Athena and Zer0 would hesitate to call what they had a friendship. For one thing, absolutely nobody would ever ask. Athena and Zer0 had been acquainted long before anybody had started seriously calling themselves Vault Hunters, and as far as the other Vault Hunters were aware, not a word had ever passed between the two of them. This was nearly true.

But, sometimes, despite the vastness of the universe, the two assassins crossed paths. When they did, all it took was a silent nod of mutual understanding for them to find themselves sharing a booth and a bottle of suspiciously paint-thinner-like booze in amicable silence, comforted slightly by the presence of someone who just got it without needing to ever say a word.

 This did not last.

 Zer0 and Athena meet up several times over the course of the Borderlands series and slowly learn the value of giving a shit

Borderlands | Say the Word (and I will turn around and run to you) | 3.2k | T | Rhys/Zer0

It was hard to imagine the difficult times when there were times like this. But, of course, Zer0 eventually left again, as they always did. Rhys tries (and mostly fails) to cope with the realities of dating a Vault Hunter.

Borderlands | What Makes Us Human | 1.8k | G | FL4K & Zer0 (Gen)

“Your allies call you ‘he’ and ‘him’,” FL4K stated matter-of-factly, “Yet your species has no concept of gender. […] So why bother?“ Zer0 sheathed their sword. “I do not bother. I let them make assumptions,” Zer0’s helmet flashed with a [¯\_(ツ)_/¯]. “And they assumed wrong.” FL4K and Zer0 discuss their different relationships to gender, and other dumb human inventions.

Borderlands | A Proper Reception | 1.7k | T |  Hammerlock/Jakobs

Having returned to the lodge, covered in blood and officially married, Wainwright and Sir Hammerlock are surprised to find that their wedding guests arrived while they were away

Chainsaw Man | Testament | 2.9k | T | Aki & Denji & Power

The Public Safety Bureau insists that all employees regularly revise and update their last will and testament, to prevent delays in releasing their belongings to loved ones in the likely event of their death. Aki doesn't understand the need at first, being short on both belongings and loved ones. This eventually changes.

A story following Aki's time with the Public Safety Bureau, told through updates to his will. Podfic available from sisi-rambles

Chainsaw Man | snarl and rattle | 3.6k | T | Aki & Denji

“Why did you eat it if you knew it would make you sick?” A stupid question to ask, Aki realized. “You made it for dinner, ‘course I was gonna eat it.” ... Denji still eats like he's starving. Aki adapts.

Danganronpa | Treading Water | 3k | T |  Mondo/Taka

When Junko Enoshima was first setting out the rules for her ultimate killing game, the part that caused her the most trouble was, surprisingly, figuring out how long it should take to execute her failed killers. Of course, her first instinct was to have them executed immediately. Would that not cause the most agonizing despair? Or, on the other hand, would that just be ripping off the band-aid? Would it not be better, then, to peel it off slowly, reveling in the pain of individual hairs being plucked from still-tender skin? It was a promising thought. For better or for worse, Mondo Owada and Kiyotaka Ishimaru are given the time to say goodbye.

Danganronpa | Promise Me A Place | 6.6k | T |  Mondo/Taka

“I don’t think these are regular dreams,” Kyoko said in her usual even tone. “That’s what I was saying,” Yasuhiro added “They’re visions.” Kyoko quirked a brow, gloved hand resting on her chin. “Well, either all of us are psychic and the dead can come back to life, or…” she paused deliberately, raising her eyes to meet the gaze of everyone at the table “… these are our school memories.” Kiyotaka Ishimaru had survived the killing game and was now, along with his remaining classmates, under the protection of the Future Foundation. However, in addition to his usual nightmares, Kiyotaka has started having dreams about his dead friends that he cannot explain…

Danganronpa | a cold night close to the end | 1.8k | Mondo/Taka

On the night before the second class trial, with his hands only freshly washed of blood, Mondo finds himself unable to go back to his room alone. He spends the night with Taka instead, and secrets are revealed.

Doctor Who | I Can’t Hold You Tomorrow (but I hold you in my hearts) | 4.9k | T | Doctor/Rose, Doctor/River, Doctor/Yaz

He said a lot of things that night. You’re getting married in the morning. I’m nine hundred and seven years old. I don’t get older, this can’t ever work. You’re human. All of them true, but not quite right.

“Oh, you are sweet, Doctor,” Amy had said, and the heat in her voice still made his stomach clench with anxiety at the thought of it “But I really wasn’t suggesting anything quite so long-term.”

I don’t think I have ever felt the way you’re feeling right now he should’ve said instead.

…

An exploration of the Doctor’s asexuality told in snapshots, across their different adventures, relationships, and regenerations.

Good Omens | but still there was no rest for me | 2.5k | T |  Aziraphale/Crowley

Of course, Crowley had almost never purposely caused the atrocities he’d received commendations for over the millennia. It just wasn’t his style. Aziraphale would say he was too good, yet every time – when blood began to spill and smoke choked the air - Crowley could still feel the angel’s questioning gaze on the back of his neck. The familiar words would come, unprompted. It wasn’t me, angel. There isn’t a thing I can do to them that they don’t do themselves already, but with a nastier imagination. That didn’t mean he wasn’t responsible. As the Great War wages on, Crowley begins to worry that his demonic presence may be having unintended effects on human history. To ease his guilt, and perhaps even end the war, Crowley travels across the Atlantic to the port of Halifax, only to find himself once again immersed in the worst of human suffering.

MCU (Avengers) | we need to fetch back the time they have stolen from us | 6.4k | T |  Thor & Loki (Gen)

“How can we trust you?” the Captain demanded, stepping in front of Bruce and advancing uncomfortably close. “After everything you did in New York?” His cold eyes were a stark reminder to Loki that this was not the same man he had fought against what seemed like a lifetime ago. “I don’t think you have much of a choice.” AU where Loki lives to die another day. Snapshots from Thor and Loki’s experience of Infinity War.

MCU (Avengers) | can’t bring back what’s taken from me | 1.7k | T |  Thor & Loki (Gen)

In the aftermath of Infinity War, Thor watches from the plains of Wakanda as, one by one, his friends come back to life, and he accepts that some things just can’t be undone.

For the first time in years, Thor lets himself grieve. An Infinity War fix-it (sort of)

MCU (Loki Series) | A Passing Mood | 800 | G | Loki & Sylvie (Gen)

“I’ve seen you in the memories of TVA agents –”

“I’ve been on a streak,” Loki said defensively.

“A man streak?”

“If you like.” Loki smiled as Sylvie scoffed at him. “When you live as long as we do, a few years is just a passing mood.”

On a train at the end of the world, Loki and Sylvie talk about their different relationships to gender.

MCU (Spider-Man) | Universal Constants | 1k | T | Peter & Peter & Peter (Gen)

In which Peter Parker has had the chance to move on after Gwen’s death, and has something to share with his counterparts from other universes. Or: What if Peter Three had a different answer to Peter Two asking if he had someone? Podfic available from blackglass, Shmaylor, silverandblue, VioletEmerald

Mob Psycho 100 | the only certain things in life | 10.6k | T | Reigen/Serizawa

“Yeah, I guess it’s true, we haven’t –” Reigen barely hesitated before Serizawa was finishing his sentence for him. “– Filed taxes?” Serizawa suggested, another nervous glance in Mob’s direction. Reigen would’ve rolled his eyes clear out of his skull if he weren’t so anxious himself. “Fine, yeah. Sure. We haven’t filed taxes yet. So?” Serizawa smiled a bit, clearly grateful for the indirect route. He visibly swallowed, throat bobbing as he steeled himself. “Sorry,” Serizawa said, “it just didn’t occur to me. I’ve never... filed taxes before.” Reigen wanted to scream. ... Reigen is asexual and has no interest in sex. Serizawa is inexperienced, and isn't too sure about what he wants himself yet. Instead of talking about it like adults, they decide to keep everything to themselves and just guess what the other person's expectations of their relationship might be. As you can expect, this goes swimmingly.

The Old Guard | the castles of time we built up straight (just to run out of room and build sideways) | 3.4k | T | Andy & Nile, Joe/Nicky

“It’s hard to explain to you now,” Nicky said carefully “but once you get comfortable speaking more than one language, you find that you have a different… personality when speaking each one. You reach for different languages at different times. They have their own character, you could say.” “Believe it or not,” Joe chimed in “I am even funnier in Italian.” “He is not,” Nicky refuted without missing a beat. … In her first few months as an immortal, Nile Freeman learns some new languages, and learns even more about her new family in the process. Andy especially.

The Old Guard | I couldn’t ever tell you to your face (that I’ve only been pretending to enjoy this place) | 4k | T | Booker & Nile & Joe & Nicky, Joe/Nicky

When Booker’s sentence of a hundred years’ exile was handed down, it was with the unspoken acknowledgement that he would see them again before his time was up. For no matter the severity of the crime, no matter how deep the betrayal, they all knew they could not deny one of their own the ability to grieve together when one of their number passed. The countdown to the end of Booker’s exile slowly ticked down, synchronized against the beating of Andy’s newly-mortal heart. Booker had been exiled only seventeen years when he received the call. … Booker finally reunites with his family after Andy’s death.

The Old Guard | Act of Creation | 2.3k | T | Nile & Andy & Joe & Nicky, Joe/Nicky

“We can’t get sunburns?” Nile didn’t entirely mean to, but she looked at Nicky across the table when she said it, the palest immortal of the three of them there. “Sun damage happens so gradually,” he said with a casual shrug “and we heal so quickly. We don’t have a chance to burn.” Nile nodded. That made sense. But, wait – her head stilled, expression turning into a frown. … After Andy gets her first sunburn in millennia, Nile begins to question the rules of her new immortality. There are no easy answers.

Persona 3 | loud and clear | 3.8k | T | Akihiko & MC

In which our protagonist finds a kindred spirit in Akihiko Sanada, and the Iwatodai dorm feels that much more like home. 5 + 1 shared moments of recognition.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead | No Refunds | 1.5k | T | Ros/Guil

The play is cancelled for the night. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are given a brief reprieve.

Samurai Flamenco | and I can see the great glowing coils of the universe unwinding | 2.5k | T | Masayoshi/Goto

It wasn’t a perfect life, but after everything it still seemed too good to be true. Masayoshi swore he could feel the universe still bending around him, but now it was coiling tighter, squeezing, making it harder and harder for him to catch his breath. All he could do in the face of an unknowable universe was push. The thing with prodding the universe, however, is that it is indistinguishable from being reckless. After the events of the series, Masayoshi begins to doubt his happy ending and tests his place in the universe. Luckily, Goto is there to pick up the pieces.

Samurai Flamenco | you know you’re an angel; you know we’ll get through | 1.6k | T | Mari/Moe

"I’m happy just being with you, however long you let me.” “Let you? Let you?” Mari raised her voice to an angry pitch, but she wasn’t angry at Moe. Not really. “That isn’t – that isn’t how this works.” “Isn’t it?” Moe’s voice held no malice, only innocent confusion, which only hurt more. At Masayoshi and Goto’s wedding reception, Mari finds herself confronted with worries about her own future - and Moe’s place within it.

Samurai Flamenco | In The Kind of World Where We Belong | 8.6k | T | Masayoshi/Goto

Masayoshi may not officially be the president of the world anymore, but that doesn’t mean the title hasn’t followed him since. A few years after the events of the series, Masayoshi finds himself on a promotional world tour, promoting peace and justice across each continent. The only problem? He’s been strongly encouraged to keep his relationship with Goto under wraps so as to not “distract” from his message. Not one to stir up conflict with management (at least not intentionally), Masayoshi goes along with it. However, the longer the tour goes on, the more strained Masayoshi and Goto’s relationship becomes…

Samurai Flamenco | to everything there is a season | 4.4k | T | Masayoshi/Goto

A year in Masayoshi and Goto's relationship.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine | turn off the stars and close the door | 3.8k | T | Julian/Garak

Troubled by the revelation that Deep Space Nine’s current environment leaves Garak in a state of constant discomfort, Julian petitions for a sensory-friendly period on the station for him and any other residents with sensitivities to light and sound.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine | Second Chances | 8.8k | T | Ezri/Kira, Julian/Garak

If the Prophets themselves had emerged from the Celestial Temple several years ago just to tell Kira Nerys she would one day be upset at the prospect of Dr. Julian Bashir leaving Deep Space Nine, she might’ve just had a crisis of faith. Yet, here she was on this surprisingly solemn occasion, sitting with Ezri at Quark’s, just to get as many familiar faces in one place as she could. … After Julian’s departure from Deep Space Nine, Kira tries to help Ezri with the resulting break-up, while trying not to think about what this might mean for her own feelings for her friend.

Star Trek: The Next Generation | Anachronism | 3.5k | T | Data/Geordi

After the installation of the emotion chip, Data does not anticipate how the chip will affect his perception of his existing memories, and finds that he has a lifetime of emotions to catch up on. Luckily, he always has his friends to help him get started.

Supernatural | you will still be here tomorrow (but your dreams may not) | 5.4k | T | Jack & His Family, Castiel/Dean

“I won’t be hands on. Chuck put himself in the story. That was his mistake. But I learned from you, and my mother, and Castiel that… when people have to be their best… they can be. And that’s what to believe in.” “But what about you? Is that really what you want?” Dean’s question gave the newborn God pause. The serene expression on his face folded a little in confusion, head tilting just a little to the side. He looked so much like Cas when he did that, Dean had always thought, but now the sight made something clench in his chest. “I don’t understand,” God replied, and wasn’t that just the damnedest thing? God, a child standing in the middle of the road, knowing both everything and nothing at all? Jack struggles to figure out his new role as God, determined not to turn out like Chuck. Luckily, he has his family to help him through it.

Supernatural | like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass | 3k | T | Castiel/Dean

Dean was different in Purgatory. He had always been a man that operated mostly on instinct, and it was only amplified here. There was no time for second-guessing in Purgatory, no time for petty human doubts or crises of morality. You did everything you could to survive, or you didn’t. When Dean was threatened with violence, he met it with the same. When he was tired, he slept. And when Dean needed comfort, needed someone to soothe his raw soul – he took it. Cas hadn’t been aware of all the arbitrary human rules that had existed between them until Purgatory had torn them down. Cas lets himself fall into a doomed relationship in Purgatory, believing that it will be the last time he will ever see Dean. When Cas reunites with Dean after his mysterious escape, he finds out that what was easy before has become lot more complicated.

Supernatural | Give Me a Reason to Carry On | 3.8k | T | Castiel/Dean

Dean was pressed awkwardly against a wooden support beam, his feet not quite flat on the floor. Cas was reminded of hanged men from those old cowboy movies Dean had made him watch, of bodies reaching fruitlessly for stable ground, stuck in suspended air. Dean’s eyes widened as he finally spotted Cas over Sam’s shoulder. “Cas?” Dean’s voice was rough and wet with blood, staining his teeth crimson. Sam turned at the sound, looking at Cas with the same slack-jawed expression. But there was no time for greetings, no time for explanations. Not now. … In one of his first acts as God, Jack pulls Castiel from the Empty, but Cas is reluctant to return to Earth and face the consequences of his confession. But when Dean finds himself in danger and sends out an involuntary prayer, Cas can’t help but reveal himself, forcing them both to pick up where they’d left off.

Venom | Table for Two, Dinner for One | 1.6k | T | Eddie/Venom

Eddie decides it’s about time he and Venom go out for a proper dinner at a nice restaurant (without jumping into a lobster tank, that is). However, sitting alone at his table for two, Eddie is embarrassed to realize that the wait staff think he’s been stood up.

Welcome to Night Vale | this is the only way we know time works | 1.3k | T | Cecil/Carlos

“Rough day at work?” Cecil asked knowingly, turning to glance to his side as he put the car in gear. Carlos stared at him through his fringe, giving him a defeated smile. “You can say that.” Cecil and Carlos go home after the death of yet another intern. Set after the Welcome to Night Vale novel.