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x-ceirios-x · 15 days

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run to the things they said could restore me

frustrated with the search for camille, magnus takes a break from the institute's search for her and reconnects with members of the ashfair family he hasn't seen in ages. he is finally able to face aric, who sheds some light on the full story of his wife's death and the children's move to new york.

part two of a series about the ashfair family and their history. prev | next (coming soon)

cw: mention of character death, alcohol consumption (briefly), discussion of grief and anxiety, mention of losing a child. heavy angst with a bit of a resolution

Magnus had a headache.

Besides his current relationship issues and his constant worry about Alec, he was pulled away from a conversation where he felt like they finally had a breakthrough, only to search for Camille, who’d miraculously broken out of the Sanctuary at the Institute. If he had half a mind, he might have phoned a friend with better knowledge in tracking than he had, but he thought Eleanor would kill him if he tried. Maybe not literally, but she would certainly be angry about helping Shadowhunters, especially Lightwoods. And Desmin couldn’t keep secrets from his sister to save his life, so that ruled out the twins.

He needed a drink, actually, is what he needed.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Maryse,” he said with a sense of finality. “You can’t Track vampires and I have no other information for you. I don’t know what she’s been involved with, or who, and I know she’s not stupid enough to try the Dumort.”

Maryse let out an exasperated sigh. “I understand. We need to check out her old haunts, though, like that apartment you mentioned—Andromeda—”

“On it,” she said, already standing and prepared to leave. Before she’d sat down in the library, she’d changed out of her party dress in exchange for Shadowhunter gear; thick black pants, a black tee and a jacket that was covered in little pockets, paired with the several sheathes she had on. She was planning on getting into the field but like this, she looked much more professional and he felt like he could take her seriously. She wasn’t some sorority girl there to get on his nerves and have randomly good advice, but a well-trained Shadowhunter worthy of the Herondale name. Well, the last part was to be determined. She exited the library without another word, leaving him alone with Maryse.

Not wanting to deal with that, he found a quick excuse to not stay there. Anything but being alone with his boyfriend’s mother, anything but that. “I’m going to stretch my legs,” he said, pushing himself away from the desk and standing up with an exaggerated stretch. “Won’t be long.”

She waved him off without argument, her face buried in one hand. He left quickly, heading into the hallway and deciding he’d wander for five minutes or so—maybe a eureka! moment would hit him and he’d suddenly realize where Camille was hiding, though he doubted it. He meandered down the hall until he saw someone else in the hallway, exiting a room down the hall a short ways. He recognized him immediately—not because he’d seen him recently, but because Jensen Ashfair was the spitting image of his mother, just a bit shorter.

He stopped in the doorway and gave a small, shy wave. He didn’t remember Jensen ever being bashful, as he acted like a toddler-sized bull in a china shop any time he visited, causing chaos and loud noises anywhere he went. If they took a walk or went to the park, he said hello to anyone and everyone who would smile at him. Then again, Alec had told him how close he was with the youngest Lightwood boy, Max. Grief changed people, as did time. Magnus smiled at him in return and carefully approached.

“Hello,” he said, mirroring his awkward little wave. “You’re Jensen, right? Rowan’s brother?”

“Yeah,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And you’re Alec’s boyfriend.”

He chuckled and nodded, trying his best to remember all the little things anyone had off-handedly mentioned about the boy. “That I am, that I am,” he said. He liked books, just like Rowan, but he didn’t know what kind. Just his luck, behind the boy’s back he saw something—maybe something that would help him. “What do you have there?”

Jensen shrugged and held it out to him, showing him the cover. It was one of those Japanese graphic novels that got popular in the last decade or so. Based on the cover, it looked like it was about pirates. “One Piece,” he said, reading the cover. “You know, I’m always looking for something new to read. Is it any good?”

“I like it. Simon showed me how to read it.” He spoke carefully and quietly, anxiety clear in his shoulders and tense grip on the book. Not fear, just a general sense of nervousness that he saw clearly in Rowan and their father. Family ties, and all that. “It’s backwards from a regular book. You read it back to front and right to left.”

“Is that so?” he asked, sticking one hand behind him in an attempt to summon something for the boy. Behind his back, blue sparks crackled as he found the object he was looking for: a figurine of the main character. Now that he’d seen it, he remembered seeing something similar in a second-hand store, and it was small enough that no one would miss it. “Well, strangely enough, I’ve got this—” he pulled out the figure, offering it to him— “right with me. Would you like it?”

His eyes lit up, just for a fraction of a second, and the green in his eyes shone like emeralds. “For me?”

“For you,” he said, letting the boy take it from him. “I hope you like it.”

Jensen nodded gratefully. “I do. Thank you…uh, what’s your name again?”

His chest contracted and Magnus felt like a piece of his heart broke off. He was so young and everything was no doubt clouded by grief—of course he didn’t remember him. “Magnus,” he said, forcing a smile. “Magnus is fine.”

He nodded. “Well, thanks, Magnus.” Slightly more confident, he waved and walked past him, down the hall and into the elevator. The little boy he watched through his babbling toddler stage, the terrible twos, and even his fourth birthday, had not a clue who he was besides Alec’s boyfriend. Alec’s boyfriend was a perfectly wonderful thing to be, he loved that boy more than life itself. He wished he could convince him of that. But that was all he was to young Jensen Ashfair, now twelve by his calculations.

Magnus, continuing his search for anything to do other than sit in the library until Andromeda came back, turned the corner into the room Jensen had just come out of. It was the kitchen, where, to his surprise, sat Aric Ashfair at the small table in the corner. He looked up, just for a moment, and gaped at him once he realized who stood in front of him.

“Magnus,” he said, his voice low. He sounded tired. “Maryse called you for help with the Camille situation?”

“She did.” He spoke carefully, his voice tense. Now wasn’t the best time to begin an argument, but he had very limited patience and that was the path his recent dealings with Aric took.

He nodded silently. Aric stood and began shuffling through some high cabinets, ones that most children would stay out of due to height alone. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from the next cabinet over. Well, there was that drink he was looking for. He didn’t ask, just poured them each one and handed him his. Magnus took it gratefully and took a sip, though his eyes never left Aric.

He was duller than the last time they’d spoken. All these years as the Clave’s lackey had worn on him, as was evident from the bags under his eyes and the gray in his hair. If he remembered correctly, he wasn’t even forty yet—he was much too young to look as broken as he did. He thought the same thing about Rowan, though he’d never voice such opinions.

“We have a lot to talk about,” he said carefully. “Do you think Maryse will mind if you stay for a minute?”

“I generally try to appease her, but frankly, I could not care less about what Maryse Lightwood wants with me right now,” he said, gesturing vaguely with his g lass. “What is it you would like to talk about?”

Aric winced at the hostility in his voice. “I meant to get ahold of you after the party in Idris, but I got busy training Clary and you were off on your vacation—a well deserved one, I heard—“

“Skip the flattery, Aric, you were never one for small talk,” he said, becoming irritated and bored with his words. He was silent, so instead, Magnus took the opportunity to push the real reason they were here. “You had eight years,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “eight years to reach out, to say anything. But you didn’t. Why?”

The look that crossed his face saddened him enough to almost make him feel guilty for being so angry; this was too many years of anger held back for him to consider that seriously. “I still can’t talk about her,” he muttered. He looked incredibly small in the moment—broken. Despite his professional, high strung, and sometimes intimidating demeanor, he never looked more destroyed. “I can’t…I never even told Alice and Jensen what actually happened, I had Jia—”

He cut himself off before his voice cracked worse, quickly wiping his eyes to look like he’d pulled himself together. Magnus just stared at him, that sense of anger and disappointment never fading from his face. “I have made a lot of bad choices in my life, Magnus, and I have reparations to make. I understand that.”

“Start with your children,” he said. “I talked to Rowan. I told them everything I knew—they weren’t just angry, they were hurt.” Magnus took a sip of his drink, gathering his courage to say all the things he’d ever wished he could tell him. This might be his only chance. “Did you know they came to me, wanting to know if there was a memory spell placed on them like what I did for Jocelyn?” he asked. Aric’s mouth opened slightly in surprise but he didn’t give him an opportunity to get a word in. “They wanted to remember me, remember Mollie, remember you before you left them!”

There was a beat of silence. A pause, where his words hung in the air, and where Aric let them sink in. “I wanted them to forget,” he said, choosing his words cautiously.

Magnus fired back, a sudden anger rising through him. “You deserted your eight and four year old in a city they’d never been before, with people they’d only met a few times, to deal with the fact that their mother was never coming back to them by themselves! Did you think that was fair?”

Aric matched his tone and arguably pushed it further. “I didn’t know what else to do!”

It was a rare day that quiet, calm-tempered Aric ever raised his voice. He worked in the shadows, never drawing attention to himself, preferring to see Mollie shine when they were together. Knowing this, he took a step back, leaning against the wall, and let him talk.

“I-I didn’t know what else—“ Aric gasped for a quick breath and set his drink down on the counter behind him. He held his head in his hands; for a moment, Magnus wondered if he’d gone too far but he quickly deserted the thought. This, as uncomfortable as it was, would get him answers of some kind. Answers to why—why he found out about one of his greatest friend’s deaths not from her husband, but from another one of his friends who just happened to hear; why Aric had decided to leave his children in New York with the Lightwoods when, if he would have called, he would have been there in a heartbeat for him; and why it took him eight years to face him for his actions.

Magnus stared at him, his gaze softening just slightly—not enough that anyone would notice. “What you had with Mollie was something I have seen very few times in my long life, Aric. And I understood how it broke you. I…” He trailed off, his thoughts turning to Alec. Now he understood what that pain would be like because he genuinely believed he found someone that made him feel like Aric loved Mollie, and Will loved Tessa. An indescribable love that was earth-shattering to lose. “She’s not gone, Aric. She’s still here—in Rowan’s stubbornness and their cleverness, their insistence on being exactly who they are and refusing to apologize for it. I’ve seen it, even in the last few months. I see Jensen, who looks so much like her, it’s uncanny. You just have been too stuck in your grief to realize that she’s all around you, and I wonder what that grief is going to do to you.”

Aric stared at him, silent, his eyes shining with tears that he held back with as much strength as he could muster. It was quiet, his words hanging in the air heavily, until he finally found his words to speak up. “It’s ruined me, Magnus,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I lost Jeremy, then Céline, then Mollie—and now one of my children won’t even talk to me, I—” He sucked in a harsh breath and ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t know what to do when she died. I couldn’t—I couldn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep; Jia and Patrick did their best for us, but they were grieving, too. I sent the kids to live with Maryse because I kept getting worse instead of better. I was angry, I-I was depressed, I started drinking, and I didn’t want either of them to see me like that.”

Magnus’s breath shuddered. He hadn’t known how Aric coped with all this, but part of it made sense. It didn’t excuse everything he did, but he was willing to give him the slightest more grace for it. More than he ever thought he would. There was still something he didn’t understand: “why didn’t you call me?” Magnus asked, his voice unsteady, despite how much he tried. “I would have helped you, Aric. I would do anything for your family, even if Mollie wasn’t here anymore.”

“I know. I know that, and I knew that then, I just…” he took a deep breath, steadying himself. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, and by the time I was in my right mind enough to start working again, the kids were settled in New York, Jensen had Max and Alice had Alec—they found their family. I realized they were better here, with people that could give them a family rather than the fraction of one waiting for them with me.”

He nodded solemnly. As much as he hated to admit he could be right about this, grief did strange things to people, as did any strong emotion. He remembered his years in London, struggling with his own demons, where the simplest thing could turn his world upside down and send him into a spiral.

Aric continued after a beat. “I—I never told anyone this, not even Jia and Patrick,” he started, speaking like he was struggling with the words. He grabbed his drink off the counter and downed the rest of it—it was a bit impressive, actually—before he continued. “Mollie was pregnant again, when everything happened.”

His words shook Magnus to his core. “You—she what?” he asked, covering his gaping mouth with his hand.

“There were some issues with Jensen, so she didn’t want to tell anyone until she had to. We had just found out it was a girl, too, and our bedroom was just covered in baby name books.” He almost laughed, a wry chuckle that sounded like it hurt. “We were thinking about Victoria, but we never…”

Aric sniffled and rubbed his eyes, very clearly trying to keep himself together in front of him. It had never been like him to show weakness, not to anyone. He always suspected that was why Mollie loved him so much—she was one of the few who he let past the walls he had around himself. From what he knew, he had them before they even met but she managed to crash through them in a way only she could.

Both heard footsteps coming down the hall, towards the kitchen. They both paused for a moment, waiting to see who was there; Maryse stepped inside the room and looked between the two. “Am I interrupting something?” she asked.

Magnus opened his voice to respond but Aric beat him to it. “Not at all,” he said, sitting up a little straighter. “News on Camille?”

She shook her head. “Andy is on her way back from checking out her apartment uptown. She’s not there.” Maryse sighed, though she focused on Aric for a moment, diverting her attention from the missing vampire situation. She took another few steps forward, and looked at him as if she was inspecting his face. “Are you alright?” she asked, her voice suddenly softer.

He nodded. “Fine, yeah.”

She frowned slightly and carefully, more careful than Magnus had seen her do anything, brushed a bit of hair from his face and tucked it behind his ear. “Aric—”

He caught her hand in a loose grip, his gaze flickering from Maryse, to him, and back. “I’ll meet you in the library in a moment,” he said softly. “Just a moment.”

She took his words as they were and nodded, leaving the kitchen without argument. Aric looked at him anxiously, then at the floor like he was avoiding his gaze.

Magnus smiled softly. “I am the last person that is going to judge you for moving past your loss, Aric,” he said. “Through it all, I silently hoped you would after a few years—because you deserve to be happy. That’s all I will say about that.”

His eyes widened slightly and he stammered, trying to find his words. “There’s nothing going on—”

He held his hand up to stop him—there was no sense in arguing about this, as he wasn’t going to share anything with anyone until he and Maryse were ready to. As far as he was concerned, he hadn’t witnessed anything. It wasn’t important right now, either. “I don’t care what Rowan says,” he said. “I know they want you in their life. They’re just angry right now. You have to be vulnerable enough to show them that you love them because they feel you don’t. Prove them wrong.”

He nodded and pushed himself off the counter. He started to leave, but stopped when he got to Magnus. “I’m sorry. For everything—truly.”

“I see that now,” he said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “I’m not the one you have to convince. And…just calling them Rowan will go a long way. They prefer their middle name. Just use it.”

“I haven’t even began to think about that,” he admitted. “But you’re right. I’ll, ah…I’ll work on that.”

Magnus offered him an encouraging smile, and even though it was small, he received one in return. Aric left to the library again to assist Maryse with the hunt for Camille, which he supposed he should be involved with too, but he had too much on his mind to think about that right away. He hadn’t forgiven Aric, not entirely, but he did believe he was lost without the love of his life and made poor choices because of it. He knew many men like that through the course of his life, some of which he still knew now.

He drank the rest of the whiskey and left his glass on the counter, next to Aric’s, and made his way back into the Sanctuary to look for anything that might help them find Camille.

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what-do-1000-swords-look-like · 1 year

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The anti reactions from yesterday have me just shaking my head. I am by no means a professed stan of Jensen. I'm a fan of his works and I've followed his career, I appreciate his interactions with the public (like cons) as well as his public persona, but I don't worship the ground the guy walks on. He's a human being who I enjoy watching on my screen from time to time in different roles or displaying said public persona. That's it. I support him, but I don't stan him blindly, if that makes sense. Not him or any other celebrity.

That being said, I found the anti/critical reactions to something Jensen allegedly said that had been tweeted out from the Dallas Con to be very interesting and highly entertaining in some cases, especially with one particular anti blog that consistently claims to love this man and want the best for him while psychoanalyzing him and hating (and blaming everything that Jensen does/says that disappoints them) on his wife with the maturity level of a fourth grader. To put it bluntly, antis showed their asses yesterday and it is pure confirmation of what I and so many on here have been saying for quite some time now in regards to these posts/blogs.

Yesterday:

Tweet from the Gold Panel: "Jensen: 'he and I don't take on projects for the impact, we're serious about what we do.'"

Me: 'huh, you know, that wording seems a bit... Eh, you know what, knowing Jensen and how this fandom works anytime he dares to breathe, I'm going to wait to see the panel myself tomorrow and get the context of the question and his answer. If anything, he just misspoke, but I highly doubt he meant it in a bad way. Knowing him, he absolutely cares about the impact it has had on so many people and he might have thought the asker meant something else. Still, I'mma wait and see for myself.'

Antis:

and one particular blog (the one that claims to love him be in love with him):

'Jensen, you're no true actor and I would know since I'm an expert on acting! How dare you! You've hurt me so deeply!'

Today:

I watched the Gold Panel. Question was did the guys think about how massive the impact SPN would be in reference to their careers aka people knowing who they are, people following them, etc. Basically, did they know what it would become, something Jensen clarifies with the fan before answering. Jensen's actual response:

"Yeah, I don't, I mean, I guess to kind of quickly break it down, I don't think he and I go into any of these, uh, jobs or roles or stories thinking about the impact it's going to have externally. I think we go into it as...you know, they hire us to come in and do a job and...and he and I both, uh, we both take that job seriously even though it may not look like it all the time. But we also have a lot of fun doing the job because we truly enjoy doing what we do. That being said, we're not thinking 'oh let's do this because I want the effect that's going to have on a greater scale'. We're just doing our job. And hopefully, it resonates to people. Hopefully, somebody out there is entertained. And if that's the case, then we've done our job."

Me trying to see what had the antis losing their minds, especially that one blog and NOT finding it anywhere:

This is why you always watch the panels for yourself and avoid anti posts/blogs at all costs. They always claim they are there to be the opposite to AA's, to apply critical thinking, to view Jensen as human instead of a god, to be the ones with "a reality check", but they jump just as quickly as that group and crucify the guy before doing due diligence. Critical thinking should also include getting your facts straight before spreading misinformation (and in this case, more hatred). This is literally the same tool kit lawyers, law enforcement, and investigative journalists use all the time. It's good old common sense.

So block, mute, filter these people. Do whatever you gotta do, but this proves once and for all what we've all been saying. These anti/critical blogs that claim to "apply critical thinking" are full of shit.

Critical thinking is defined as "the objective analysis and evaluation of an issue in order to form a judgment." The reactions were not objective, especially the one blog that had an emotional heartbroken reaction. They were subjective, colored by their own biases. They did not analyze and evaluate the situation fully before issuing a judgement; they were missing a very crucial piece of the puzzle before they started sounding off and they knew it but they didn't care.

So the next time an anti/critical blog says in defense of their hating on/criticizing of Jensen (or anyone really) that they're applying critical thinking and you should try the same when you propose an alternative point of view (about Jensen or not), just remember it's all a smoke screen of bullshit. So again, block, mute, filter, whatever you gotta do. Personally, I think this shit's hilarious and entertaining on a Real-Housewives type level.

And that one blog that had such an emotional reaction to something that Jensen didn't even say in the way they thought he did, it's one thing for you to feel the way that you do, but spreading misinformation as you did, saying Jensen is no true performer, I don't know, maybe it's time to let go of your obsession with loving (aka being in love with) and hating this guy and move on?

#like seriously wtf was that yesterday #some ppl need a serious reality check #just sayin'#anti antis #like if you want to be critical of the guy that's cool #but do your homework first #i hope none of y'all are in our legal system #because if this guy was on trial he'd be put away for life for so many imaginary crimes #keep on keeping on jensen #you do you dude #jensen ackles #jackles #and this is not a pro-aa post #just want to make that perfectly clear #aa's and the antis can go take long walks off of short piers together #and leave us real fans to show the guy the appropriate amount of respectful appreciation for him as an actor #i said what i said #anti jensen hate

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eisforeidolon · 1 year

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Just in case others didn’t know, Jensen’s answer about art interpretation is almost verbatim from an answer he gave in 2015. The hellers aren’t “wearing him down” He has consistently given that same answer for years. It has NOTHING to do with canon, and everything to do with acknowledging people relate to things differently. The fact they even admit they’re trying to “wear Jensen down,” is so abusive. They KNOW there is a militant derangement syndrome where people literally lose their jobs and reputations for not bending knee to the mobs that go after them, and they’re actively exploiting that- hoping Jensen feels fear enough that he will cave and capitulate. It’s disgusting. These are people who are SO self righteous and judgmental of others, and can’t see that they are, by FAR, the most manipulative, regressive abusers in fandom spaces. If anyone tried to “wear them down” about something, all we would hear is “you’re not respecting me!” “This is harassment!” “Your aggression is toxic!” And they would be RIGHT! But they never apply that to themselves and how they treat Jared and Jensen

Huh. I didn't know he'd talked about interpretation in general back that far (although to be fair, they've done so many cons over so many years, aside from the controversial or noteworthy stuff, it's a lot to remember all of it). Do you have the specific con or video of that? I do know in every statement I can recall it's never been about personally hating the ship or shippers, just not understanding where it's coming from (fair) and being annoyed when they tried to push it on him and make him validate it as part of his acting/part of the canon (more than fair).

In the end, they've spent years being demanding, abusive, slanderous, and outright deranged - and then try to claim they're the victims. It's just a complete denial of reality. No one ever owed them anything but the right to have their fanfic in fan spaces and not watch the show if they didn't like what it was actually about.

It's also a great point about how they'd react if anyone tried to "wear them down" the way they've badgered Jensen (and anyone else that doesn't immediately cave to them) for years, because nobody even has to try to actively change their minds - just to exist while not agreeing with them. I remember specifically when they asked some crew person on twitter about when the first appearance of the "bisexual plaid" shirt was and they LOST THEIR FUCKING MINDS at the answer there was no such thing, wailing and gnashing their teeth about being attacked and invalidated for getting an answer they didn't like to a question they chose to ask. It would be funny how absurd it is if they weren't so viciously hateful.

#destihellers #askboxery #anonymous #con drama #shipping goggles of wtf is wrong with you?!?

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incarnateirony · 1 year

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I am being genuine--I think it gets lost perhaps because I'm not exactly plugged into all the stuff you seem to talk about on your blog. I haven't been here for years and years, so a lot of the context is lost on me and I ask for clarification. I can see why it could come across as me not being genuine in my questions, but it's all very interesting to me and I'm just trying to understand what your claims actually are.

I am aware that tv writers are real people with full lives. I get the impression you think I'm a part of a larger group that you're exhausted of arguing with (I'm not), which I suppose explains the hostility in your response. That's the nature of anonymity I suppose.

Thank you for answering my previous asks, either way. I've been looking through your blog for a screenshot of whatever conversation with Bobo you've been referring to but I haven't had any luck yet. Perhaps one of your followers has it handy?

It's literally, if you can find it, just a twitter screenshot of some stuff tagged to bobo with the text like "I'm not even sure who, entirely, is responsible for me losing my mind having to make this chart, but I'm certain bobo is involved" as a bit of tongue and cheek humor passing it to him and. The chart. And. A like and. Nothing else. Because that's how bobo fucking operates. And well outside this fandom's desperate need to argue everything down, The Plot Is Literally About Listening To HOW People Communicate. And there is a FUCKING reason.

And no, I'm genuinely mad. Because at this point, it just takes casual searchings of bobo's twitter to see what I'm talking about. I don't mean his cryptic tweets that have been leaking the entire show while nobody listens in ironic plot metanarrative about Dad's Notes. I mean just searching his convos with Robbie. Robbie cleared his timeline a while back, so people WOULDN'T turn and attack the product recognizing his bobo affiliation early on, or his other takes (eg destiel canon and so on). But you can still see Bobo's half of their conversations and go GEE, WOW, THESE ARE PEOPLE, THEY'RE EVEN GOOD FRIENDS BY THE CONTEXT. THEY PROBABLY TALK TO EACH OTHER, WITHOUT SOME RANDO ON TUMBLR HAVING TO JUSTIFY IT.

What I'm saying is that people need to take SOME level of actual interest and research of their own to look into basic, often public access truths that have been hidden by agenda pushers and antis and warped servers like the members of spnscripthunt for years. You can literally find a LOT of this if you bother to think, hm. Which questions do I ask. Rather than proving that these good friends talk, or asking someone to prove they're good friends, maybe I should do the lifting myself of doing public access searches BEFORE asking?

It's. Literally. Exhausting. I don't care what group anyone is from. There is an expectation of INFINITE emotional labor from me walking people through things over and over and over when they haven't cared enough to look for themselves.

The expectant angle of asks is also itself a problem. This whole like, prove to me a thing I'm implicitly doubting. Bro. It's not my responsibility to unpack everyone's bullshit, and as it is I've still been trying for years, but at this point it really needs more of a snowplow, and that snowplow is called The Winchesters.

I'm asking people to stop treating anyone--authors, me, ANYONE--as endless emotional labor machines for you guys, just because people haven't been listening or don't bother to check into basic context themselves.

It. Is. Exhausting. Maybe you don't get HOW it contributes. But it does. I can lead a horse to water but I can't make it drink. Now, one named Jensen Ackles drunk, and there was something in the water, and now there's a drunk horse in the hospital whether people accept that or not. I no longer control the horse. You can believe whoever or not got the horse drunk. The horse is still in the fucking hospital.

It's genuinely. Just. I've even drawn a line within my own server about this expectation of emotional labor. If someone comes at me asking stupid shit because they haven't unpacked their shit or listened for the last half year while sitting there, I'm going to say, fucking no. Start listening, I'm under no obligation to keep repeating shit to people who aren't really listening. "Well why aren't we doing it MY way? Why isn't the prequel MY version?" because it's fucking not, janet. Unpack your shit before you get back to me.

It's a constant buzz of entitlement. I'm not like a ~show author but I've spent years on the frontlines weathering screaming and attacks and doxxing from all lanes just trying to give clarity about the authors. And they screamed against me then buried when they were proven wrong. Every. Time. And if I'm this fucking tired after six years, I need you all to--if you acknowledge, for example, that the authors are REAL PEOPLE--ask yourselves how fucking tired THEY are of this fandom's shit.

It's not a pretty answer, is it.

I'm happy to give answers within reason, but when it's a year after I've been discussing it for months and I get "HOW DO YOU KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" because I fucking do, carl. I'm not going to repeat it a twentieth time without telling someone to try to listen or check it out themselves first, at this point.

That's why i've known all the episode morals and all the shit about Roxy being a ruse and us needing to find Who She Is and ALL THE FUCKING THINGS. Rather than asking me to justify HOW I've known these real things, listening to my ongoing posts should give context enough without trying to pin me down on when and where or make me dig up articles everyone had a chance to read half a year ago again.

its. emotional. labor. I don't get paid for this. I'm half tempted to make my fucking ask box patreon exclusive at this point but then scripthunt would start screeching grifting again because I dare to put a value on my time and energy.

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mlobsters · 11 months

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supernatural s6e19 mommy dearest (w. adam glass)

well my whole eve/victoria pedretti mind connection (also this afternoon was crying for a good 20 minutes while painting and rewatching the haunting of hill house) this disabling the exit to the bar and then everyone trying to eat each other reminds me of that church scene in midnight mass (was she even in that one? lol) but way less emotionally fraught. and shorter. adds to the list of gif comparatives of various stuff with spn that i may never get around to because making gifs is tedious work i don't particularly enjoy.

i think i'm delighted to hear licensed music because it's so infrequent now and it's a lot more fun than the score 😬

when i was a kid, i helped my dad fill shotgun shells using something like this (primarily for shooting skeet at a range though he also hunted)

anyway. dean is using a literal tablespoon to put the phoenix's ashes in these special shells apparently. fear not, a well used shotgun shell reloader in the back there (lee load-all reloader only $79.99 at cabela's!)

DEAN Why has it always got to be me that makes the call, huh? It's not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude's busy. (Cas appears behind him. Dean turns around, surprised) Cas, get out of my ass!

CAS I was never in your–

wait hold up is this like that weird wording that i talked about before, out of your ass...

okay this must be a wording thing because they had pestilence use the same and i was very perplexed by the phrasing. SHERIFF MILLS I lose my job over this, I am taking it out of your ass! s5e21 DR. GREEN You mean my brothers. What they did to my brothers. No. The only reasonable thing to do here is to…take it out of their healthy young asses!

that's so strange. anyway. woo they can use more gay innuendo jokes because they have a non-brother dude who we're saying/joking/but actually saying has Feelings for dean to be on the receiving end (har har) 😑

LENORE I remember. Your hunter friend almost killed me.

SAM Well if it makes you feel any better, uh, he turned into a vampire and I chopped his head off.

DEAN Yeah. With razor wire. Wicked.

dean's so proud

okay so thank fuck they didn't make sam kill another pretty lady that was a monster. we don't need madison 2.0.

CAS We needed to move this along.

mr funny again

🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

CAS Something in this town, is, uh, it's affecting me. I assume it's Eve.

DEAN So wait, Mom's making you limp?

CAS Figuratively, yes.

DEAN How?

CAS I don't know, but she is.

DEAN Well, that's great, because without your power, you're basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

SAM I think you hurt his feelings.

don't be an asshole, dean. this is why i called cas a work friend :p

my dad travelled a ton for work when i was a kid so he always had a company car. one of them was a chevy caprice classic like this one, but white.

well the baby in the trench coat decapitated someone. good enough for you, dean?

reflection in the glass just reminding me of how model-pretty jensen's face is

are the kids gonna be monsters and try to eat sam and dean. okay the oldest "kid" has visible stubble and is 24. baby face and short stature and no pesky child actor rules

CAS We need to find Eve now.

DEAN Yeah. Go. Me and Sam just gotta make a milk run.

CAS We need your help here.

DEAN Hold your water. We'll be back in a few.

CAS Dean, Dean. Millions of lives are at stakes here, not just two. Stay focused.

my face at the "stay focused": 😒 like being told to relax

DEAN Are you kidding?

CAS There's a greater purpose here.

DEAN You know what, I-I'm getting a little sick and tired of the greater purposes, okay? I think what I'd like to do now is save a couple of kids. If you don't mind. We'll catch up.

*schmoopy music*

oh the brother mush intensifies! big brother tells little brother he should get some rest and they cuddle up to sleep. and sam looks at dean, dean smiles fondly. sam makes his thinking thoughtful face out the window as he (obviously) thinks about how dean took care of him haha

BOBBY They won't take long.

CAS You don't know that. They may find more wayward orphans along the way.

😂

BOBBY Oh, don't get cute.

CAS Right. Pardon me for highlighting their crippling and dangerous empathetic response with "sarcasm". It was a bad idea – letting them go.

BOBBY Come on. You don't let Sam and Dean Winchester do squat. They do what they gotta. You know that.

haha pissy cas again, a treat. and ain't that the truth, they're gonna do what they want to do, come hell or highwater

oh my god the extended family reunion and the exchanged looks with sam and dean. WE GET IT, GUYS. feeling soft about big brothers taking care of little brothers. saving lives, reuniting families

this is so interesting, in a way, because i had no idea that cas had this darkside situation going on. the thing with the souls, the torturing. i know nothing about his character arc! when i know a lot about sam and dean's

lol so one of the kids was a monster. all gone, the mushy feelings

EVE You look upset. If it makes you feel any better, Ryan was bound to work on you. Little wayward orphan, like yourselves. There's nothing you can do about it now. So let's talk.

samantha smith's voice (eve as mary here) reminds me of someone in hill house. i think elizabeth reaser (played shirley [also esme in twilight])?

this whole thing is a lot. glad dean had some amazing forethought to consume some of the ash to make himself poisonous to her eating him LOLL

cas finally gettin something cool to do

demons *gasp*

so is cas working with crowley? i admit to tuning out a little when eve was talking about the soul battery stealing plan

well i guess that answers that. something weirdly satisfying about crowley scolding cas, what's that about

while i was looking up sam's boots, because i'm a weirdo, this site boldly declared dean winchester smells like some particular fragrance. i thought that was weird to be so specific without a source mentioned and so then i go searching the internet for dean winchester cologne. and ended up some pinterest link that is a youtube video of a con thing with j2 and jackles saying he wears tom ford "wood" (note: it's oud wood, but oud means a type of wood. agarwood wood.) and "it works" and then padalecki asking where he sprays it. i think for my sanity it is best i continue to avoid bts/con related content

like, nothing on the hey i know you front. suddenly started getting exclusively side characters actors i've never seen in anything else

also i guess eve is dead? that was anticlimactic. like a slightly longer than usual monster of the week. i guess we can't be working under the threat of being sent to hell all the time

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 6x19 #shotshell reloader #chevy caprice classic #adam glass

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ljsstories · 2 years

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Chapter Nineteen: The Lists

Despite Eliza's protest that she was happily staying single, someone going by the name of Harry had slid into her DMs recently and rather than shoo him away, she was very receptive. It was her life and Jane wasn't going to interfere, things were quite normal lately and she didn't want to jinx that. No calls from Jensen, that door had most definitely slammed shut, after their respective siblings broke up it was common courtesy to take sides, obviously that was what had happened in this case. Jane took Eliza's side and Jensen took his brother's, simple as that! Jane missed his attention, just like her sister she was going back on her own word, Jensen Reed meant more to her than she was prepared to admit. Having him still alive but not in her orbit was better than him taking his own life, that she was prepared to admit. Yes, it was better, but she wasn't happy about it, there was no way in for him now that Eliza had broken up with Jonah. Jane could understand why that would look bad if Jensen called Eliza up for a friendly chat. Jane had wished for Jensen to be out of her life so many times over the past couple of years, now that it seemed to actually be happening, she was really sad about it. It didn't help that Monica would persistently mention him causing Jane to lose her temper, still suffering from lack of sleep and severe stress. Telling Jane what a nice boy he was and how she was foolish to let him slip away like that made matters so much worse, particularly since she didn't do the same with Eliza who had literally let a Reed boy slip away after having physically held him in her arms. Jane had been in Jensen's arms, she'd felt his lips against her own once too, something that had shocked her at the time but wouldn't mind knowing what that felt like again someday. What was she even thinking? Silly girl, where had her common sense gone? Jensen Reed was a no go area, he always had been and nothing had changed! Eliza was still a great help to her with regards to their mother, but it didn't stop Jane from being on the receiving end of Monica's wrath. Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered, how was she supposed to have a social life when she was taking care of her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week? Not to mention the fact that now was not the time, spending as much time with her mum, despite her attitude, was the most important thing right now. As she brought her mother breakfast that morning, waiting for the carer to arrive, she was in one of her moods, "Can I eat later?"

"No mum, we both know you won't! You need to at least try!"

"Not scrambled egg again!"

"Well what do you want instead? You never tell me so I have to just guess!" Jane's frustration was surfacing, trying to smile and speak kindly was getting harder as the days went by, "You need something in your stomach for your pills mum!"

"I could have porridge but you don't make it right!"

"I make it following the instructions!" Don't get mad, keep calm, don't lose your temper, the words ran through Jane's head over and over. There was no point in getting angry, Monica would just get worse, she was dying but she still had time to make Jane feel useless.

"The porridge in the hospital was better!" Monica muttered as Jane sat the tray down on her bedside table.

"I don't know what to tell you, I've tried ready-made porridge and I've tried soaking oats overnight. Nothing I do is right!" That just came out, she didn't mean for it to, but sometimes it was hard to keep everything in.

"Where's Eliza? She's nicer than you!" Monica was pouting now, Jane was too tired for this, she needed to feed the dog as well as deal with the petulant toddler that had replaced her mother. Let her have Eliza, who was a worse morning person than Jane was, see what kind of angel she was at this time of day! Jane would gladly leave them to it!

"I'll go and get her, maybe she can make better porridge than me! Do you want me to take the scrambled egg away?" Monica gave Jane a dirty look, trying to remember that she was terminally ill became harder after each complaint or look of disappointment. Knocking on Eliza's door was daunting, she hadn't seen her come out and she had no idea whether she was still asleep or not. "Liza are you up?" She called out to her almost in a whisper.

"Yes?" She sounded chirpy, as Jane opened the door and looked in Eliza was sitting crossed legged on her bed with her eyes glued to her phone.

"Mum's asking for you, what are you up to?" Eliza shrugged, not looking up from her phone.

"Just checking, um, stuff!" That sounded odd, why was she being so secretive all of a sudden?

"Will you sit with her until the carer gets here? I'm going to feed the dog!"

"Sure!" She put down her phone and headed for the door, she looked sad. Jane wondered if she should ask her what was wrong, but after her encounter with their mother she wasn't ready for another argument. However her concern for her sister got the better of her.

"Is everything alright?" Eliza shrugged again, looking down at the carpet.

"I had to block that Harry guy; he was getting creepy."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"I'm not!" Eliza replied quite matter of fact, she was completely unreadable these days. So if she wasn't sorry to have to block him then why was she looking so glum? As Daisy the Labrador followed her through to the kitchen, Jane was grateful that someone loved her in the house. Her dad hid in the back room watching television, her sister up until this morning had been pre-occupied with another gentleman friend and her mother was mostly hostile towards her. That hole Jane had predicted would appear, was widening by the very minute, even though she had hardly spoken to Jensen during the time that they'd known each other, just for him to be available was enough for her. Now, she didn't know what the situation was, where he was right now he didn't have access to his mobile phone or the internet. That was wise as the media were not being kind to him at the moment and it hurt Jane to put on the news. Even though she was still angry with him for what he'd done, that was her right, these reporters didn't know him so in her eyes they had no right to comment about Jensen's life, they knew nothing about the sweet boy Jane had spent ten days in a small cottage with, they had no fucking right!

***

That sweet boy was losing his patience, he had started these lists multiple times and ripped them up. After his last session with Jenna Riley he was feeling completely exposed, the things that she had brought up during that hour were very hard to hear because she was right. Jensen's entire life was all about control, why would Jane be any different? Yes he had controlled every situation involving her after their time together in Scotland, or at least he'd tried to. Jane was a very stubborn and wilful young woman who drove him crazy most of the time. As he waited for his brother to arrive, he looked down at the notepad Jenna had given him when they first met and wanted to scream. Why could he not do this? It was such a simple task, why was it so hard? Would Jonah even turn up? Even though he had agreed to come after much persuasion from Jenna, she was very persuasive, Jensen doubted that he would. After all he hated him for making Eliza dump him, his words, even though he had only asked him to be a little more mindful of her feelings while she was going through a bad time. Bringing up his emotional phone calls didn't help at all, he had embarrassed him, Eliza and Jane had embarrassed him so he lashed out at the girl he loved and she broke up with him for it. It had nothing to do with Jensen, or at least that was what he had convinced himself, he was blameless, he was doing a favour for his Jane. He couldn't believe it when he looked up and Jonah was towering over him in the day room, "I came, what the fuck do you want?" At least he came! They went into Jensen's room for a private chat, albeit a frosty one judging by Jonah's mood. As they sat down, Jonah on the chair in the corner and Jensen on the side of the bed, there was a long, painful silence.

"How've you been?" Jensen broke the ice.

"Oh y'know, heartbroken! It happens when you get dumped by the love of your life!" Jensen let out an involuntary guffaw. "What?" Jonah growled.

"It's just..." He had to be careful, he'd already got Jonah's hackles up, "...love of your life? Come on Jonah, you were dating for just over a month!"

"Yeah, so?" Jonah pouted and examined his fingernails, so it was true, he really did love her!

"I'm sorry, I really am bro! I wish there was something I could do..." Jonah looked up with hopeful eyes.

"You could, you could tell Eliza I'm sorry and that I love her and..."

"Whoa-whoa-whoa!" Jensen didn't let him finish, "I'm not getting involved again, it was a real disaster last time! I was only trying to help Jane!"

"Oh so you won't help your own brother!" Jonah nodded bitterly, "Gee thanks Jensen, really appreciate it! It wasn't enough for you to perform your little stunt when I was over there and happy, but you have to go the extra mile and make sure we stay broken up, all because you couldn't get what you want!" He stood up and made his way to the door.

"My little stunt? Wait, Jonah where are you going? Let's talk..."

"No, I'm done talking to you! All you care about is your precious Jane, you don't care who gets in your way, you're hellbent on destroying them! Well you destroyed me, you took the one good thing in my life all because you wanted her and you couldn't have her! Fuck you!" Jonah slammed the door as he left, making Jensen shudder, what the fuck just happened? At least one good thing came out of his meeting with his brother, it inspired him to write his lists, starting with his life before Jane.

"I was miserable, working myself to death and being manipulated by a fame and money hungry tyrant who couldn't care less if I lived or died, either way he would profit from it." Jenna read the first list out loud as Jensen shrank deeper and deeper into his chair cringing, "Jensen this reads more like an essay rather than a list!" She sighed, but there was still a small hint of a smile, "Whatever helps you to express yourself, I'll go with it!" She shrugged and continued to read, "I thought about escaping on a daily basis, disappearing off the face of the earth. Many times I would joke with my friends and bandmates that one day I would buy an island in secret and never come back. They would laugh and I would laugh along with them but deep down inside I was a wreck, I was dying inside and nobody even noticed, that's the actor in me, I can put on a show for anybody. Two Oscars under my belt, I should be able to fool anyone, except you Doctor Riley, you see through me, just like Jane. Before Jane there was darkness and pain and loneliness, like nobody understood me, nobody could understand what I was feeling inside. I was forever living in the shadow of my little brother who was worshipped by my big sister and my mother, the two women in my life who should have had my back and loved me unconditionally. That's how I felt at the time, I would later be proved wrong about that, apparently I'm the favourite and Jonah lives in my shadow, who knew! Anyway, life was so bad before Jane that I tried to take my own life! Only she subconsciously stopped me from doing that, she took me the night I was meant to die. That's what the song My Revelation is all about, the night I should'a died was when she came into my life, I wrote that as a thank you and a warning to other guys like me who burn the candle at both ends, not all of us find our guardian angel in time. I did, she saved me from a life that was destroying my soul, my heart and my body! Life before Jane was a deep, dark pit of despair where the only way out was death!" There was a long silence as Jenna looked the essay as she called it up and down. "Well, that certainly is enlightening Jensen, and I have to take my hat off to you, essay form is a better way to express what I wanted from you, well done! Now, onto the next list-um-essay!" Jensen wrung his sweaty hands in anticipation, this was the one he was terrified of, this was the one that Jenna would probably get all judgy about, "My life after Jane, like my song, was a revelation, she saved me from death and protected me from it too. Thinking back on the abduction, she chained me up but on the second day she freed me and all I did was shower and change, I locked myself back up before she would come back and she was basically stuck with me. You're right, I controlled her even then, she was trying to let me go from the start and I remained there under her care by choice. Even under the influence of severe alcohol withdrawals I should have been crawling out that window and straight to a liquor store, but I didn't do that...I stayed! When she finally managed to get me to leave, I was so mad at her I almost went to the cops as payback for all the nasty things she said, but even then I knew that I loved that girl, the girl who saved my life. That's it in a nutshell, Jane Thomson saved my life, so life after Jane happened because of Jane. Without her there would have never been life after that, if you get what I mean. She is a good person; she cares and she feels so deeply that it breaks my heart to see her sad. When she cries, I cry! When she's mad, I'm mad! You asked me if it was love, or just me swapping one addiction for another, it's not! If it were an addiction, would I not be chasing her around every day? Would I not be stalking her in person and hiring a private detective to get my fix of her? Would I not be quitting my high profile jobs and moving to Scotland to be close to her? I am not a child; I know what love feels like and this is it! I don't have a romanticised idea of Jane; I see her as she is and that's all I want! I see her flaws and I accept them; I would happily give up my life in Hollywood to be with her, but I'm not destroying everything in my path to get that, I love her but her wellbeing and feelings are important to me. I just need your help managing the intensity of my actions, I need you to help me reign in and listen more, I get that. Help me Doctor Riley, because I don't wanna lose Jane, I want to try and be with her somehow, be with her in a healthy and mutual way. I can't give up on her, not after everything she did for me. I wrote a platinum selling album, I had four number ones, a sell-out world tour and it was all thanks to Jane. I am an addict Doctor, I accept and embrace that, so help me to live with it...but most importantly, help me to have Jane in my life somehow because I will literally die without her!" Jenna was silent for an even longer time over this essay that was supposed to be a list. Jensen couldn't stand it, after what felt like five minutes, he broke the silence.

"Well? Say something, please! This is torture!" He realised that he was biting his nails, something he hadn't done since he was a teenager struggling in high school.

"Well..." Jenna replied, tapping her pen against her bottom lip as she studied Jensen's work, "...I can't promise you that your life with Jane in it will be sustainable, for either of you. What I can promise is that I will try to find a way for it to work if that's possible, if it's not then you will have to accept that and move on. Can you agree to that?" It was Jensen's turn to remain silent, was this a risk he was willing to take? Could he ever live without Jane?

"Okay!" He agreed at that moment, he could always change his mind later.

"Good, I can see your point of view Jensen I really can, but that doesn't mean that your point of view is right or even ethical. You still refuse to accept that you've overstepped the boundaries on numerous occasions, sometimes even without Jane's knowledge. I need you to recognise when too far is too far. You try to justify your small, yet intrusive, actions by comparing them to even bigger gestures just to make yourself look normal when this situation is anything but normal! You are stalking her, no matter how small your actions are, you are still invading her life in some capacity! We have a lot more work to do before you reach that point, I see that, but you will have to get there or I can't in all conscience allow you to leave here until you do. I can't risk discharging you for you to run out and repeat your past behaviour, it's not good for you or Jane! You will never manage your alcohol addiction in that way either because the next time Jane rejects you, you will hit the bottle and undo everything we've achieved in the past three and a half weeks!"

"I can't live without her, I just can't! I would rather she let me die that night than be in a world where I can't hear her voice or smell her or see her big blue eyes staring back at me! It's not possible!"

"Jensen I wish you would listen to yourself, what would you say to Jonah if he said these things to you about Jane's sister?" Jensen blinked and sat back in his chair, what was she getting at? This was totally different!

"I hardly think that's the same thing!" He scoffed and gave her a look that implied she was stupid.

"Why? Jonah loves Eliza, you love Jane, what's the difference?"

"Jonah doesn't love Eliza; Jonah is incapable of love!" Jensen was clearly still reeling from his brother's visit the day before, the bitterness in his tone shone through.

"The other day you told me that you believed him, you felt guilty for having a hand in the break-up. What changed? Is it because he walked out on you yesterday without trying to resolve your issues?"

"He's a child!" Jensen muttered, scowling at the wall.

"He's hurting Jensen, you must feel some sort of empathy towards him! What about Eliza? She never really did you any harm, yes you didn't like her at the beginning because of how she treated Jane, but now the sisters are closer than ever and since your visit to the hospital she kept you informed. All Eliza has ever done is help you, try and think about what this whole situation has done to her rather than your brother."

"I feel bad, I never said that I didn't! It's just that Jonah can be so unforgiving that it makes you feel like he deserves everything he gets!"

"From everything you've told me about him, Jonah has his own mental health issues to deal with. You both mutually feel like you are in each other's shadows, you constantly compete with one another, you never seem to just sit down and talk."

"Well I tried yesterday, but he stormed out as usual!" Jensen huffed, why was he being blamed for Jonah's attitude?

"I think you should try again, not right away, give it a few days. I think I should sit in with the two of you to mediate. I'd also like to see how you both interact with each other, maybe I can find a pattern that we can work on. It's important to have a healthy relationship with Jonah because he's not just your brother, he's your work colleague, your bandmate!" He was, it was torture! A situation he found himself in thanks to Juliet, give Jonah a chance, that was all Jensen ever did was give him chance after chance after chance!

"Whatever you say Doc, you're the boss!" Jensen nodded half-heartedly, he was not ready to have another ding dong with Jonah, he'd rather work towards winning over Jane.

***

There were more bad than good days lately, Monica was choking on most of the food that Jane was giving her. She and her dad thought that Monica was exaggerating, that the choking was all in her head. This had gone on for a few days and Jane was getting irritated. When the palliative care nurse came to visit that day, Jane mentioned this to her and she arranged a prescription for a different anti-sickness pill to try, which gave her hope that this issue would be resolved and she could get back to fattening up her mother. It didn't seem to be making any difference but it had only been a few hours, Monica still choked if Jane didn't remove all the white stringy pieces of scrambled egg or if there were large lumps of anything in the soup she gave her. Despite this, Jane had managed to get almost a stone in weight on her and the dietician was pleasantly surprised. Eliza had retreated back into her room and was helping less and less, it concerned Jane but at the same time she was a little angry that she'd been left to deal with everything all by herself again. Eliza never offered to sleep in their mother's room again, gone were her concerns for her sister and what remained was very little feeling at all for anyone. Jane had an idea that Jonah was responsible, someone didn't just get over something like that so quickly, there would come a point when Eliza would finally break. Jane wasn't looking forward to that on top of dealing with her mother, but she would be there for her sister because that was what people did when their siblings needed them. As she sat watching television with her mother, her thoughts drifted to Jensen, wondering how he was doing. Was he back home by now? She didn't know how long people stayed in rehab, probably as long as it took for them to take control of their issues. How long would it take for Jensen to get through this recent relapse? Depending on how Jonah was behaving, he would probably get through it the same way he got through everything else, he would work hard to achieve whatever goal he had set himself. Little did Jane know, she was Jensen's goal, all he wanted was to be with her. Due to lack of sleep and stress, Jane was exhausted while Monica was reminiscing watching The Inn of the Sixth Happiness with Ingrid Bergman, Jane drifting in and out of consciousness missing parts of the film. This felt nice, it felt normal and Jane had a warm glow enveloping her as she lay in the recliner by her mum's bed wrapped in a fleece blanket. Everything seemed so normal, for a moment she had forgotten that Monica was terminally ill, watching a film together was like old times and there were no harsh words exchanged, no atmosphere, just a mother and daughter spending time together. "I love this film!" Monica mumbled happily, it made Jane smile while trying to stay awake. She wanted to find out what all the fuss was about over this old movie her mother had insisted she leave on while they were flicking through the channels. It was nice to see the mum she loved back again, even if it was for a fleeting moment, things would no doubt be back to their usual, arguing over what to eat for dinner.

By dinner time it was indeed a slog trying to get Monica to agree to any kind of food to eat and as Jane left her to guess what she was having for her dinner that night, she found Eliza sitting in the kitchen looking miserable, eating out of a large jar of Nutella with a spoon. "Okay, talk to me!" she insisted.

"I'm not going to lie Janey, I miss Jonah, but I'm so confused. Part of me is relieved we're not together anymore and the other part just...aches!" Jane could relate, she felt that way about Jensen every time she thought about him. Part of her missed having him in her life in some capacity and the other was glad she didn't have to face him after what she'd done. It was a mixed bag of emotions that she just had to live with.

"I'm sorry I can't be more help to you, I wish there was something I could do!" Jane put her arm around her sister and rested her head on top of hers, "Break-ups aren't supposed to be easy Liza, you're meant to feel down afterwards no matter what the circumstances were that led you to it, there was love and laughter and other intense emotions involved. He loved you, I truly believe that, but sometimes you can't compete with distance, and let's face it you were thousands of miles apart..." Eliza turned to look at Jane with a raised eyebrow.

"Is this you trying to cheer me up?" They both laughed softly together, it wasn't exactly the best speech for making someone feel better.

"I'll only say this once, and if you tell anyone I did then I'll deny it!" Jane faced Eliza and put her hands on her hips with a stern expression on her face, "I feel exactly the same way you do about Jonah..." Eliza's eyes widened before Jane could finish, "...about Jensen!" A satisfied smirk appeared on Eliza's face when Jane finished her sentence.

"I knew it, you love him don't you?"

"I don't know if it's love, how can it be? I barely know the man!" That was a little white lie, she got to know a lot about him during their ten days together, in fact she probably knew him better than most people he'd known his entire life. Their bond was strong, even though she hated to admit it.

"The heart wants what the heart wants Janey! I told you!" Yes she did, she didn't listen the last time and it would be no different this time around.

"Louise told me about a forgetting spell, I might try it!" Eliza laughed and punched Jane on the shoulder, yes it was a ridiculous notion, or was it?

"Janey, Louise is not a witch! Googling love spells does not make you one! Anyway, she only does spells when she wants something, that's not very Wiccan if you ask me! If you have a kind of faith you should practice it all the time!" Eliza seemed quite pleased with herself over that statement, who knew if witchcraft actually worked but at this juncture Jane would try anything to get Jensen Reed off her mind.

"Well it wouldn't hurt to try!" Jane replied quietly and headed for the cupboard. It would be chicken soup and ice cream for dinner again, she'd had such a lovely day with her mum she didn't want to spoil it now.

***

Sitting in Doctor Jenna Riley's office, waiting for his brother to arrive, Jensen had no idea why he was so nervous or why he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. He'd had a few days to stew over this meeting, he was tired of going over the same shit again and again with Jonah and he had no doubt today would be exactly the same. What was making him particularly nervous was the thought of Jenna seeing him and his brother argue and be petty, drag each other through the mud and make complete and utter fools of themselves. When the door opened and he heard Jenna and Jonah's voices chatting cheerily, he almost jumped out of his skin, he truly was on edge about this. "Anyway, have a seat. Jensen? Your brother's here!" Jenna smiled from brother to brother as Jensen stood up from his chair and nodded in Jonah's direction.

"Hey!" It was all he could think of to say that wouldn't rub Jonah up the wrong way, his greeting was met by a grunt as Jonah threw himself down onto the chair that Jensen had just been sitting in, the chair Jensen always sat in during his sessions with Doctor Riley. He was going to rise above it, it was only a chair, who did he think he was, Sheldon Cooper? You're in my spot, no it was only a fucking chair, he needed to buck up and take it like a man.

"So..." Jenna began as they were all now seated, notepad on her lap and her legs crossed, the usual pleasant smile on her face, "...now we're sitting comfortably, who wants to start?" Oh boy, Jonah was slouching in his chair, examining his nails, he looked annoyed. Obviously the silence had gone on for too long as Jenna spoke again, "Well, I'll start then!"

"No!" Jensen piped up, "I will!" Now or never, he thought as Jonah remained in the same position looking anywhere but at him, "Jonah I apologise for my part in your break-up with Eliza. I only wanted to help..."

"Jane, yada-yada-yada!" Jonah interrupted, still not looking up.

"No, I wanted to help you too, you're my brother I..."

"What do you fucking care? You never did when we were growing up, so why start now?" He looked at him this time, the hurt and anger tinging his face hard to ignore.

"This is good Jonah, any unresolved feelings you have with your brother can't stay hidden. Tell Jensen how you feel." Jenna coached Jonah to attack Jensen, or at least that was the way he was seeing it at that moment.

"I always tried so hard to be like you, I tried to get you to like me but you didn't care! You've never wanted me around, just admit it, you hate me don't you?" Was that a tear? Was Jonah genuinely hurting?

"That's not true, I love you Jonah! You're my baby brother, I've always tried to include you in everything, we formed the band together. What more do you want from me?"

"Just tell me you're proud of me, tell me I'm doing a good job! Be my brother!" Yes those were tears and seeing his little brother cry made Jensen also tear up.

"Jonah, Jensen has talked about living in your shadow. Would you like to tell me what you think about that?" Jenna intervened as Jonah wiped his eyes and looked in her direction this time.

"No, that's bullshit! I was in his shadow! Perfect Jensen, why can't you be more like Jensen, your brother is so handsome, your brother is so hot, so talented, I've heard it all! Do you have any idea what that's like? To be the booby prize your whole fucking life?"

"That's not true, Jules and mom doted on you growing up. Don't make out that you were all left out, that was me!" Jonah shot daggers at him; more tears ran down his cheeks as Jenna once again got in the middle.

"There's an old saying that I think applies here, there are three sides to every story, in this case they are your side, Jonah's and the truth!" What was that supposed to mean? Jonah was making up shit, that was the truth. "Jonah saw situations in a different way than you Jensen, so his side to everything won't add up as far as you're concerned because those were his experiences. Every person sees their experiences differently from other people. Take witnesses to a crime for example, their statements most often than not differ in detail. Human beings interpret things in their own way. To you, Jonah was the golden child but to Jonah that was you. Can you both appreciate each other's different experiences?" Jensen looked at Jonah, who was looking guiltily down at the carpet. "Jensen?" Jenna coaxed him to say something.

"I think all of us grew up with our wires crossed, it's only recently come to my attention that Juliet, who I thought resented me for being born, adored me and was just waiting for me to go back to her. I felt like she'd dropped me as soon as you were born Jonah, but the truth was that I was the one who walked away and kept her at a distance. I was jealous of you because when you came along, I ceased to exist, or at least I thought that was what happened. I know I shut off, cut the ties with someone before they can do it to me, it's to avoid getting hurt so I hurt first. It's something we're working on, isn't it?" He nodded to Jenna who smiled and whispered a yes, as Jonah continued to focus on the floor.

"I just want to be like we were when I met Eliza, we seemed to be like real brothers then. Yeah I was on the other side of the world but we were really bonding, I liked it." Jonah said quietly, still looking anywhere but at Jensen or Doctor Jenna.

"Me too!" Jensen added as Jenna found this to be greatly satisfying judging by the look on her face. "Jonah, I want that more than anything. I didn't mean to interfere with you and Eliza, I wanted the two of you to be happy together, I really did, I tried to help when Jane asked me. Yes I primarily did it for her, but I was doing it for you too!" Jenna was scribbling furiously on her notepad, this must have been a really good session, Jensen had never seen her write so much. "Look I will admit that the fact that you were under the same roof as Jane drove me crazy, it tipped me over the edge, it's not your problem it's mine. It's something that I am trying to deal with in here, I sent you over there and then I flipped when you actually turned things around, that wasn't fair and I'm sorry!"

"It's okay, if it had been the other way around and you were living with Eliza while I was working I'd have freaked too!" Jenna stopped writing and looked up at the brothers.

"Well, this has been a good, productive session. Jonah is there anything you want to add?"

"I just wanted to say that I appreciate the pressure you're under now, I couldn't see it before, I think Bryan was toxic for both of us and I'm glad you fired him. I know I gave you hell for it at the time but I think we'll do so much better with Jules, I mean your tour was fucking awesome, people are still talking about it." Jensen felt a warm glow in his rib cage, hearing his brother talk like this was just what he needed.

"Jensen? Anything more to say before I jump in?"

"Yeah I...Jonah we're good now right? I mean you don't actually hate me, do you?" Jonah shook his head and sighed.

"No, but you piss me off a lot. Is that allowed?" He asked Jenna as she laughed and nodded at him.

"It's perfectly fine. Now, we've made a difference so far, but I want to talk to Jonah about you and Jane if that's alright Jensen?" Jensen wasn't sure he wanted Jonah discussing Jane, she was his and no one else's.

"Um, fine!" It was not fine, but he had to go along with it, Jenna hadn't let him down so far.

"Good, Jonah? What do you think of the relationship your brother has with Jane?"

"Well, I know he's madly in love with her because she's all he talks about most of the time. I mean, he wrote an entire frickin' album about her, what's that all about I ask you?" Jonah chortled, "But having stayed with Jane, I know the feeling is mutual." Jensen looked at his brother in astonishment, "She has feelings for him too, it's so obvious! She blushes when you mention his name, or talk about him, I used to hand her the phone to talk to him and she would look like she wanted the floor to open up and swallow her she was so shy! The way she reacted when he performed his...what I call his little stunt...that reaction was not the reaction of a woman who didn't care, she was devastated! Then she got mad and called him all the names under the sun, but that was what you would call a defence mechanism, she was scared for him!"

"Interesting, you believe that her harsh words were masking how she really felt about Jensen's, let's call it overdose?" Jonah laughed again and looked sideways at Jensen who's mouth was hanging open over these recent revelations.

"Yeah, sure, let's call it that. All I'm sayin' is, it's not one sided. She is as hot for him as he is for her. I just don't understand why they're pussy footing around each other. Just date already!" He shrugged as Jenna gave Jensen a knowing smile.

"I believe that would be the ideal scenario for everyone if it weren't for the fact that she is currently on the other side of the world and nursing her dying mother. But that is interesting that you say that Jensen's feelings are reciprocated, because to Jensen it feels and looks like she is constantly rejecting him."

"Oh she is!" Jonah agreed, "But with good reason, he's a tool!" Another chuckle from Jonah, this one snapping Jensen out of his gobsmacked trance. "Eliza always quoted Selena Gomez at everyone, the heart wants what it wants, or something!" Jonah shook his head with a confused look on his face.

"Actually it was Emily Dickinson!" Jensen mumbled as Jenna and Jonah turned their attention onto him, "The heart wants what it wants, or else it does not care."

"That's right!" Jenna nodded as Jonah joined in.

"So, that means that Jane does care, like I said. Her heart wants him, so..." He looked up to the ceiling as if he was working out a difficult equation in his head, Jonah was a dumbass sometimes, but Jensen loved him all the same.

"Okay, well if you would be up for it Jonah, I would like you to come to Jensen's next session. I feel like I'm seeing another side to him when you're here." Jonah agreed a little too enthusiastically, although secretly Jensen was glad that he had, this had been nice, and he had discovered a couple of things about Jane that gave him hope for the future.

Sitting in the day room, Jensen thought back to that last session with Jonah. It really had brightened his day, he felt like there had indeed been progress. Because it had gone so well, Jenna had lifted the restriction on his visitors and now anyone could come and see him. He was looking forward to seeing his mother, it had been four weeks since he'd last seen her face, albeit through a medicated haze. He thought about the mess he'd made, all the glass everywhere as he looked down at the tiny scars all over his arms that were almost completely faded. There were more on his face and chest, he'd been lying in a lot of glass, he truly was lucky to be alive...again! Jonah had mentioned that Ian wanted to come and see him, that was nice, he'd not seen him in a long time either, even longer than his mom and sister. Jensen desperately wanted his life to go back to normal, to have all his loved ones back and to just go home. He knew that he had to stay, he would stay as long as the good Doctor told him to because he trusted her, she was the best therapist, besides Jane, that he'd ever had. He had the urge to use some of his phone credits to call Jane, she was constantly on his mind, that much hadn't changed. Hearing how she felt the same way about him from his brother was the best news he'd had in a long time; it gave him so much more to look forward to. He could truly see himself getting through this, just thinking about how much Jane cared was enough for him to jump through whatever hoops Doctor Jenna wanted him to jump through, he would do anything!

***

Another night watching the same episode of Vera on ITV3, Jane appreciated that her mum wasn't actually watching it, for her it was just background noise. The television was on all night, it was the way Monica had always slept even before she got ill, she hated being in complete darkness. Jane on the other hand could only sleep if it was totally dark, so someone had to suffer, and that someone was Jane. Eliza was becoming a little snippy, it was finally hitting her, the emotional rollercoaster had officially begun. Jane wished she could get them back together, but it wasn't an ideal time or situation. If Jonah had lived in the next town then it would be totally different, but he was across the sea, so far away. Did he have to be over there now? Surely Jensen was on the road to recovery, he sounded well any time Jane spoke to him. She was clutching at straws, she felt responsible for what happened between her sister and Jensen's brother and she desperately wanted to fix it. She couldn't force Eliza to go back out with him, she couldn't turn back time either. The cause of all of this was Jensen and his falling off the wagon with a huge thump, that fateful night had caused so many people so much grief. She knew he was sorry, but that wasn't the point, he did a selfish thing that he couldn't take back and their siblings paid the price for it. Jane knew that she should be relieved that he was alive, that he had managed to survive his deadly mistake, but she was still so angry with him. The anger was fear wearing a mask, she had been faced with the option of Jensen Reed no longer being in this world and it had terrified her. Lashing out was her coping mechanism, having her mother to deal with it was all she could do at the time. Thinking about it now, Jensen must have been so unhappy, so unbelievably sad to break his vow and drink again. He was to be pitied more than anything else, the hurt he must have been feeling, she didn't want to think about it. "I've slid down the bed again, get your dad!" A small voice cut through her thoughts, Monica had a habit of sliding down the bed and Jane and her dad had to lift her back up several times before bedtime. She was still quite light but the heavier she got the more it hurt Jane's back, she was exhausted, she'd run out of her medication and had no time to go to the doctor for a repeat prescription, Eliza was moody and her dad was far too quiet hiding away at the back of the house. Oh to jump on a plane and visit Jensen, see how he was doing, that would be nice. Or would it? Was it wise to have any contact with him now? As she called after her dad to come and help her, she really did wish she was somewhere else, even though her mother was hard work it was imperative that she spent as much time as she could with her. Who knew how much time she had left; Jane was trying so hard to make sure it was not for a while yet but without Monica's co-operation she was fighting a losing battle. As they lifted her up the bed, Jane scolded her mother and asked her to try not to slide down again, she got a dirty look for her troubles. Obviously it wasn't deliberate but sometimes Jane wondered.

When it was time for bed, Jane went to say goodnight to Eliza who was scrolling through her phone as usual. "Night Liza!" She looked up with a frown on her face. "What's up?"

"Jonah posted a photo on Instagram of him and Jensen!" She held out her phone to show Jane. He looked good, a little thinner but not as thin as he was when she first met him, those blue eyes stood out like they always did. He and Jonah were both smiling and Jensen was giving the thumbs up to the camera. The caption was Great to see my big bro again, he's doin' good! Followed by the hashtags brothers, missed you and soon.

"Is that allowed? Why are you still following Jonah?" Jane knew the answer to that, but it had to be asked.

"The heart wants what..."

"Yeah-yeah!" Jane cut in with a wave of her hand, "Looks like they're talking again, that's a good sign!"

"Whatever!" Eliza muttered, threw her phone onto her bedside table and pulled down the bed covers, "Night Janey!" As she disappeared under the covers, that was Jane's cue to leave.

"Night, love you!" Eliza never said it back, she had taken the break-up much harder than Jane had thought. The whole brave face thing was indeed an act, still following her ex was not a good sign. All Jane could do was be there when it all hit the fan, and it would, sooner rather than later!

⏮️Previous/Next⏭️

#YouAreTheReason #writeblr #writerblr #writing #writing community #writers of tumblr #writers on tumblr #wattpad #story #story telling #tw illness #tw cancer #tw addiction #tw suicide #tw alcohol #tw drugs

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random-fireworks · 4 years

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Supernatural really did that

Writing this post hurt so much.

The domestic montage that we’ve I’ve been craving for for years

For years, years, I have been asking for the Winchesters doing their laundry and we just got a whole adorable montage of domesticity

Soft Dean waking up and cuddling Miracle (uwu)

tHE BREAKFAST???? “It’s hot” and Dean burning himself when taking the toast anyway?? It’s such a rom com scene and I am here for it.

Dean mouthing the words as he reads on the laptop

Soft HAPPY Dean at the pie festival

Dean calling Sam’s expression “sad Sam face” (he knows his little brother so well and I love when we get a glimpse of that)

Dean getting pied

Basically this whole first part where we get to see the boys being happy and domestic

Dad’s journal!!!

Sam is so fucking soft for his brother when he says “Vamp-mimes” and honestly who wouldn’t be???

Psycho Winchesters about to torture the vampire (‘See, we’re the ones you should be afraid of’ flashbacks)

I can’t believe we got both soft domestic Winchester and psycho serial killers Winchester vibes in the same episode, this is Jack’s work

Soft Dean with his ninja stars awwww

Not talking about that scene, nope.

Okay, here we go anyway.

The whole dialogue. (just. kill me.)

Jared and Jensen in this scene delivered the best acting I’ve ever seen on television.

s o f t d e a n

“Can you stay with me please” (man I was already sobbing when he said that)

Dean is so proud of his little brother, it’s his greatest accomplishment and I’m just. Dead. :)))

Dean saying “saving people, hunting things, it’s what we do” and not adding ‘the family business’ because it’s not about the family anymore, it’s about him and Sam only

Dean’s smile when he says “it’s okay, it’s good” because hejfszkzd and his brother is there i’mqs kdjdhdslhqd

“We had one hell of a ride, man.”

“Yeah, there he is” There he is, my everything.

How the music goes so soft when Dean starts to talk about the night he came for Sam

The music was so good and beautifully completed the scene. Thank you Jay Gruska.

The way Dean says “The woman in white, that’s right.” fuCK ME. All that nostalgia. The happy and the sad feelings, god, I am tearing up just thinking about it.

I’ll never get over Dean waiting for hours in front of Sam’s door. 1. That’s straight from a fic (not complaining) but 2. It’s actually so coherent with Dean’s character in season 1??? Continuity, we love to see it.

“It was always you, and me. It’s always been you.....and me.”

Pilot parallels as if I still had enough tears left to cry without risking dehydration

“I love you so much. My baby brother.” And validating all our ‘baby brother’ lines in our fics (THANK YOU, I KNEW IT)

Dean being the one to leave this time and asking permission to

But also “I’m not leaving you” skqbdqbk

Jensen Ackles deserves all the awards possible for this scene. How you could see the pain but also the pride, the peace of mind and the love in his eyes.

Fucking caressing hands

Dean is fucking dying and he still moves his head slightly so he can lean on Sam’s forehead. JHQFDKSHDJS.

Sam wearing Dean’s hoodie :((

I can’t even. Jared’s performance? Never seen anything like it. God, that was heartbreaking.

And Brother in arms????? aRE THEY TRYING TO KILL ME?

The fucking single toast fucking broke me :))))

SOFT DEAN in Heaven

“Almost perfect.” Dean is supposed to be at peace because he’s in literal heaven but still misses Sam AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH (it’s about the longing)

Also, Bobby been knew. Can’t fool him.

Dean being like, ‘Ah, I’ll just go for a ride and wait for Sam :)’ Look at my codependent boys even in Heaven, what the fuck, we love them for it

BABY. KAZ 2Y5.

How the montage showed how Dean is still very present and a focal point in Sam’s life. The only other character we see is a Dean and Sam is only living because Dean would have wanted him to (it’s the codependency)

Sam raising Dean Jr seemingly mostly on his own just like Dean raised him

Okay so Sam sitting in the Impala and crying made me lose it like-

Sam wearing Dean’s watch :(

Dean knowing when to stop and sensing Sam behind him azjhjdzahjzadjzbdz FUCKING SOULMATES

Dean grinning so hard when he feels Sam behind him and then trying to play it cool ayqshudldzfhjf

Obviously the Pilot clothes and me bawling like a baby even though I knew it would happen

“Heya Sammy” (Dean saying this always makes me so fucking soft but this time I was like...a soft weeping mess)

Dean glancing at Sam’s clothes and the big smile that follows

That hug. This freaking hug. Dean hasn’t seen Sam in like an hour and he gives him a hug that is so fucking tight.

And Dean does not let go of Sam

Dean looking at Sam like he is the most precious thing he has ever laid his eyes on, because he is

Did I mention how much Soft Dean we got in this episode?

It was literally an episode about the codependency of the brothers

#Supernatural #Supernatural meta #Carry On #Sam and Dean #Sam Winchester #Dean Winchester #Winbros #Original post #My only complaint #is we don't know for sure how much time there was #between Inherit the Earth and this episode #It took me a week to make this post because I keep crying #:)))

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wiypt-writes · 3 years

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Too Loose And You’ll Lose It

Ch12: Petunias

Co-written with @icanfeelastormbrewing

Summary: Jake’s on a mission of his own; buying Stella a birthday gift. But then, one evening, a mysterious woman is spotted with Clay and suddenly The Losers find themselves being offered a way back home.

Pairing: Jake Jensen x OFC Stella Stevenson

Warnings: Bad language,

Word Count: 4.2k

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. We do not own any characters in this series bar Stella Stevenson and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Too Loose And You’ll Lose It Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 11

May 2009.

The early afternoon sun beat down on his neck as Jake stood with Cougar, examining the bunches of flowers at the market stall in the small square not far from their condo building. There was a buzz to the air, the little pop up stalls only frequented the area every second Friday of the month, drawing the locals in by the droves. And, luck would have it, today it fell on Stella’s birthday meaning Jake could actually get her something nice instead of scrabbling around in local supermarkets.

Given their current financial state, Stella had made him promise not to go mad, just as she had resisted the urge for his birthday a few weeks prior. So far he had purchased her a small, hand crafted leather bracelet which reminded him of a friendship one he’d brought her back from his vacation when they were kids. It was a simple, woven design, which fastened with a silver clasp. He’d then hovered around a stall selling handmade soap, debating whether or not she’d appreciate the joke reference to her sister. Normally he wouldn’t have hesitated, but it was a particularly sore subject as Rey’s due date was fast creeping up on them so he had left well alone and instead bought her a huge box of local, handmade sweets. Now, his final task was to find her some flowers. Only he couldn’t see the specific ones he wanted.

“Hey, Cougs, ask him if he has any petunias.”

Cougar turned his head, peeking at Jensen from underneath the brim of his hat, a ‘what the fuck’ expression on his face.

“Ask yourself.”

“I don’t speak Spanish?!” “Then you should make the effort to learn , how long have you been living here?” Cougar looked at him reproachfully. “And Petunias? Why Petunias? What are we doing here in the first place?”

The first question didn’t need answering. Not really. All The Losers were painfully aware exactly how long they’d been hiding, three damned months. But as for the reason Jake was currently hunting for a particular flower…

“Because it’s Stella’s birthday, and they’re her favourite. Just… help me out man,” Jensen’s voice was whiney, “how do you say it?

“Petunias.” Cougar rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, petunias. How do you say petunias in Spanish?”

“Petunias.” Cougar repeated as he looked at Jensen. “Yeah, petunias!” Jensen groaned, “what are you, deaf?”

“Cabron!” Cougar hissed, “the word is petunias, same as English!”

The man at the flower stall stood watching them with an amused expression. After a while, he turned to Cougar, “Quiere petunias, señor?”

Cougar nodded, “si.”

Jake clicked his fingers, “that was yes! Does that mean he has some? Fuck, I knew I should have listened in class instead of copying Stella’s homework.”

Cougs rolled his eyes. “How about you listen now. You’re literally surrounded by Spanish speaking people, you jerk!”

“Man, I just want the flowers!” Jake whined and Coug smirked, looking at the stall holder.

“Es el cumpleaños de su novia.”

“Ohhhh, girlfriend birthday!” The man spoke in a thick, Spanish accent. “Espere… you wait!” The man turned to head round the back of the stall and Jake suddenly yelled, “not his girlfriend! Mine!”

He took a huge breath and glanced around, his mind suddenly catapulted back to this day some eleven years or so ago, back to when he’d first asked Stella to be his girlfriend

He’d been nervous as hell, and on edge all afternoon at the barbecue that Jules had thrown for her. And when his family and the rest of their friends had gone, he’d hung around, finally managing to get her on her own. But the huge, articulated speech he’d been planning in his head completely vanished as Stella looked at him, her head cocked to one side, puzzled as she waited for him to tell her what he said he needed to speak to her about.

But it had worked. For some god unknown reason, she liked him back, and he’d found himself rushing home in his crappy car after his parents and sister, to bag some money so he could take her out that very same night.

“That’s actually what you said?” Jane blinked as Jensen nodded, then gave a yelp as she swatted at his head. “You’re useless.”

“Not that useless, as it worked.” Jensen grinned. “Which reminds me, I need to borrow thirty bucks.”

“What for?”

“I’m taking her out tonight.”

“I’m not paying for your first date, Jacob!”

“Jane, I’m broke! Come on!”

“Suppose I could lend you some, seeing as I just won twenty.”

“What?” Jake frowned.

“I bet ten bucks with Dad and Rob that you’d ask Stella out today. They both owe me.”

“Well then, by rights that money is mine.”

“Piss off.”

Jake groaned. ”Fine, I’ll go ask dad.”

Jane considered him for a moment before she sighed, “look, if I didn’t need it, I’d give it you, if nothing more than for Stel. Where you taking her anyway?”

“Burgers at our fave place, then to the roller rink.”

“Huh, cute.” Jane grinned, “Not a bad first date. And she definitely wants to go with you?”

“What? Yeah, I…well, I hope so…she kissed me.”

“Oh my God, SHE kissed YOU?”

Jake nodded, his cheeks flushing red. “I hadn’t even managed to ask her at that point, I’d kinda just told her I wanted to be more than friends and she kissed me.”

Jane smirked, “you’re a lucky bastard, you know that.”

“Yup!” that goofy grin spread across Jake’s face. “it felt good Jane, like real good-“

“What felt good?” Their dad asked as he walked into the kitchen and Jane grinned.

“Jake kissed Stella, he’s taking her out on a date tonight.”

John groaned, “Pal, you just cost me ten bucks!”

Jake rolled his eyes before he shrugged, “now I’m gonna cost you more as I need to borrow twenty to take her out tonight. I spent all my wages this week on her birthday gift.”

John looked at his son before he grinned, “here…” he reached for his wallet that was on the side and pulled out a few notes, “take fifty and buy her some flowers."

“Already did that,” Jake took the fifty anyway, “it’s her birthday, I got her petunias. Like every year.”

“Petunias?” John frowned.

“Yeah, her favourites. Her dad used to always pick her and Rey one from their front yard when he came home from tour and give them one each.”

“Impressive, son.” John smiled softly.

“We’ve been best friends for almost six years…”

“What’s going on?” Jake’s mom appeared and John grinned.

“Our son, honey. He’s taking Stella on a date and already knows her favourite flowers.”

“You’re taking Stella out?” Janet gasped, before she grinned, “oh my god, about time!”

“She’s already kissed him, Mom.” Jane quipped and Jake groaned.

“She kissed you? My little babies!” His mom almost shrieked, “oh I have to call Jules…”

“Mom, no need, she knows, she erm, she caught us, kissing…but…it’s cool.”

John laughed, “Well done, son. Having the mother in law on your side is awesome, makes life easier. I’d know, because mine was…”

“Do NOT finish that sentence!” Julie glared at her husband.

Jake’s attention was grabbed back when the stall owner appeared with with a huge bouquet of petunias, all bright and gorgeous colours, bound with a simple ribbon. With a grin like the Cheshire cat, Jake reached into his pocket for some cash before handing it over. “Thank you very much, she’ll love them!” He took the bunch on his hand, “you’re a saviour. Good times!”

“Stop.” Cougar groaned before they both turned and headed back towards the main cross roads. “Sorry man, but, well I know I can’t buy her much but I wanted to at least try and make it special you know.” Jake shrugged, “I mean she made the effort for mine last month. I don’t even know how she got that t-shirt made.”

He smirked at the thought of the bright pink tee emblazoned with Gracie’s soccer team logo.

“I do, we did it at the factory. Have you even worn it yet?” Cougar looked at him.

“A few times, I save it for special occasions, you know, like the times we manage to cook when the grill is working.”

“You use it for cooking?”

“No, I use it when we can cook. Pay attention, Coug.”

Cougar shoved him roughly on the shoulder, “you pay attention!”

“Watch the flowers man!”

“You’re lucky I love Arty, jerk.”

“Maybe a little too much?” Cougar frowned and turned to Jensen, “what?” “Nothing.” “Oh no, you can’t just say that. Out with it dickhead.”

Jensen looked at him and cleared his throat, “I’m just saying you have a soft spot for her, that’s all.”

“Wait, are you accusing me of hitting on her?”

“I didn’t say that, did I?” “Good because if you did those flowers would be up your ass!” “Rude, Cougs. Rude.” Jensen sniffed. “But you have it.” “Have what?”

“A soft spot. For my girl.”

Cougar grumbled something in Spanish and pinched the bridge of his nose, “every one of us has a soft spot for Arty, she’s awesome. Too good for you.”

Jensen grinned. “Yeah, she’s awesome, right?” Then he paused, “wait! Too good for me?!”

Cougar pat his back, “yup but for whatever reason she chose you so… you’re good.”

The two men paused as they reached the corner of the street. “She working?” Cougar asked Jensen. “Not until later.” Jensen shook his head. “She’s got a late shift.“

“So she’s not working right this minute?” Cougar cut him off.

“No. Why?” “Jensen… why are you here then and not with her? Idiot.”

“Because I had to buy the flowers.”

“And now you got the flowers… so…”

“So,” Jensen slapped him on the back, “bye, Cougs!”

Cougar shook his head as Jake bounced off towards their little apartment building. ***** Stella was made up with her flowers. She burst into tears when Jake presented them to her. She also loved the little leather bracelet too, instantly getting the connection and why Jake had picked it. But the petunias were what really put a smile on her face, as she said they were a little bit of what she felt like home in the shit hole they were being forced to live in.

They spent most of the afternoon lazing in bed, making out and watching crap on TV, Jake making up his own voice over and commentary to dub the little telenovela they’d both become strangely fond of. Then when it was time for Stella’s shift, Jensen walked her to work and spent the night alternating between reading a book at the bar with a beer and bugging the shit out of Roque who was working the door. When it was closing time, he helped Stella and the other bartender clear down and close up and they set off back to the apartment. They stopped to grab some street food, before they headed back, basically crashing into the bedroom as they went, totally wrapped up in one another. Sweaty and spent, Jensen snuggled up to his girl, kissing her neck softly before they crashed out and then woke the next day to do it all again.

“Is that a smile I see on your face, Arty?” Pooch sat at the bar, drinking a beer from a bottle. Even in the air conditioning of the bar, the bottle was leaving a puddle of condensation on the well worn, battered wooden bar-top. Stella chuckled, “strange site huh?” Pooch gave a snort and a nod, “kinda.” “Just had a nice night last night that’s all.” “That so? I take it you liked the flowers. Cougs told me.” “Yeah,” Stella grinned, “Jake has always bought me petunias on my birthday… well, when he could anyway. Was nice to sorta feel normal.” At that she paused and inwardly groaned. “I’m sorry Pooch.” “Don’t sweat it, Arty. I get what you mean.” “I know but I forget you got the shittest deal out of the lot of us.” “Let’s not talk about that, ok?” Pooch was quick to jump in, rubbing his head. “If I talk about it, I’m gonna start thinking about it and my head won’t stop.” Stella took a deep breath, before she turned and opened one of the temperamental fridges behind the bar. She opened another beer and slid it towards Cougar. “On me.” “Thanks, Arty.” He flashed her for a wink as he cast his eyes around, “where is everyone tonight?” “Jensen and Cougs got the night shift at the factory and Roque has the night off.”

Pooch gave a twitch of his head and continued with his beer as Stella leaned against the back of the bar, occasionally drifting off to serve someone else, before coming back. When he finished that bottle, he declined Stella’s offer of another drink and stood just as Clay walked in the door. “Hey, Pooch. You’re leaving already?” Pooch nodded, “yeah, up early to open the garage tomorrow.” “Okay, pal. See you tomorrow then.” Clay clapped Pooch on the shoulder before he settled in at the bar. Stella studied him for a moment, rolling her eyes. “I was gonna ask you for something to eat, Arty, but I’m scared you'll poison my food.” “Can’t kill you if you’re already dead, Franklin.” “Touché, Arty. So… can I have something to eat? Something edible would be nice for a change.” Stella shrugged, “I’ll see what’s on. Can’t promise much.” “Thanks, princess.” Stella shot him a glare at his stupid nickname, “Imma spit on it, Clay.” Clay smirked and Stella headed into the kitchen area. After a quick conversation with the chef in Spanish, she returned. “So the choice is steak, steak or errr steak.” “I guess I’ll have the steak then.” “Good choice. You want it raw or cremated?” Clay groaned, “give it a rest, Stella!” She looked at him and chuckled, “no, I mean they appear to be the only options the temporary chef knows.” Clay sighed, “let him surprise me.” “Risky… “ she smirked, “you want a beer?” “Make it two. Have one with me?” Stella pauses for a moment before she popped a shoulder. “Can’t. I’m working.” “So you stick to the rules now, Stella? That’s a first.” “Yeah well, keeping our heads down is part of your wonderful plan, isn’t it?” Clay groaned, “are we doing this again?”

Stella merely shrugged as she slid a beer bottle in front of him. “I didn’t exactly mean for this to happen you know?” “I know that, Clay. It’s just…” Before she could finish, a male voice shouted from the kitchen, “filete!” “There’s your steak.” Stella pushed off from the counter she was leaning on.

“That was fast.” “Yeah I didn’t say it would be fresh.” Stella heard his chuckle as she headed off for his steak. She placed it down in front of him and then went to serve a few more people. By the time she was done, and turned back to Clay, she spotted a pretty woman in a red top sitting besides him. The pair were blatantly flirting so she left them to it and made to serve a few more customers before she became distracted with stocking up fridges that were running low. When she finished and stood back up, Clay and the woman were gone. She scoffed. “Bye, then!” Half an hour later, she heard the rush of sirens and paused pouring a round of tequilas to look up. All heads in the bar turned to watch the fire engines screeching past, before the patrons and staff simply continued with their business. By the time her shift finished at eleven, Stella was dead on her feet. She walked back with one of the other girls who lived pretty much across the small street and once inside, she’d fired Jensen a message to say she was home. Then she showered, changed and collapsed into bed. Her phone then chimed with a message from Jake. She smiled as she read the text, wishing her a good night and that he loved her and would see her early in the morning for breakfast when his shift ended. Whilst she was replying, the screen flickered to tell her Clay was calling. Frowning she answered.

“Clay?” “I think I might have just got us our ticket outta here, Arty.” “What?” She breathed out, sitting up, not daring to believe him. “You heard me. Kiss this shit-hole goodbye, we’re going home.”

**** The next morning, Stella stood looking at the various tombstones and monoliths which surrounded them, her brow raised a little. Pooch caught her gaze and shrugged and she let out a breath. “Clay, why on Earth does she wanna meet us here?”

“Guess it’s because it’s the dead centre of town.”

Stella blinked before she groaned at his bad joke, Pooch and Roque both giving a snort. “That was bad, Clay, like Jake bad.”

“Ohh, wow!” Roque pointed at Clay, “you hear that? She thinks your jokes are as bad as Jensen’s. Man, you really can’t get worse than that.”

“Yup,” Pooch nodded, “Rock bottom, Clay.”

Clay gave a little shrug, whilst he flashed Stella a wink. “Made you smile, though, Arty.”

Before she could say anything else, the faint, high pitched sound of scooter engines could be heard and all four of them turned to see two mopeds heading down the street, They were both being driven by two young women, pretty young women at that, and perched on the back…

“Are you seeing this?” Pooch asked, and Stella’s eyes narrowed.

“What the fuck?”

The scooters pulled to a stop and Stella watched as Jensen hopped off the back of the one he’d been riding on, and made his way over towards her. In the corner of her eye, she caught Cougar locking lips with one of the girls and she scoffed as Jake looked at them all.

“I'm sorry we're late. There was a party at the doll factory. It was Pepito's birthday.”

“Really? I thought it was a nightshift?” Stella folder her arms and Jake groaned.

“Stells! You’re ruining my street cred, babe.”

“You don’t have any street cred.” She deadpanned back, her eyes still fixed on Jakes. Truth be told, she wasn’t best pleased he’d arrived all cosied and huddled up to some hot-looking Bolivian chick with very short shorts, and quite a revealing top.

“So she wanted to meet in a cemetery. Because that's not, like, foreboding at all.” Jake looked at Clay, but it wasn’t him who spoke, it was Roque.

“Am I the only one that sees this shirt?” He gestured to Jensen, and Pooch shook his head.

“No.”

“Huh?” Jensen looked down at the pink Petunia’s Tee that Stella had commissioned for him and realised that Roque would have no idea what it was. “Oh, it's my niece's soccer team. Eight and under.n I checked their scores online and I...” he trailed off as he noticed the look Roque was giving him. “What?”

Roque snorted and shook his head, as Clay started walking a little further into the cemetery, leaving Jensen behind.

“They're in the playoffs!”

Clay led them through the various monoliths, explaining they were meeting this mysterious Aisha at a specific memorial, and as they walked he instructed Jensen to check out her record on his palm PC.

Jensen went to unzip the little pack around his waist ant Pooch scoffed.

“Seriously, what do you wear that for?” Pooch gestured to Jensen’s money belt. “What else do you keep in there?”

“Condoms.” Jake quipped back, and as soon as the word had escaped his mouth, Stella turned to face him.

“You took condoms to a birthday party, what where you hoping to get lucky?” Pooch scoffed and Jensen paled as Stella’s face was positively venomous.

“It was a joke, babe…”

“You’re the joke, Jensen. Now shut up and do what you were told, check this woman out.”

Grimacing a little, Jensen did as he was told, skipping along to keep up. As he hacked through the various information he needed, he gave a little whistle.

“Man…”

“What do you have on her?” Clay asked.

“Besides a pant-busting crush?” Jensen raised a brow and Stella let out a little half groan, half snarl as she glared at him.

“I am this close…” she held her finger and thumb an inch apart and Jensen rolled his eyes.

“Stelly, I’m-“

“Don’t, just…”

“Jensen!” Roque barked and Jake pushed his glasses back up his face.

“Her company file is blank. CIA has a standing kill order on her. As does Hamas, Sinn Fin.Pretty much everyone with the exception of PETA wants this chick amscrayed.” He reported, his mouth pursing a little.

“You thinking clear on this?” Roque turned to Clay, “because every time you mess up, it's because of a woman.

“Name one time that I...”

“Amber.” Stella cut clay off instantly and Clay shook his head.

“Amber's husband was the problem.”

“Her husband wasn't the one who shot you.” Stella rolled her eyes.

“Only in the leg.”

“What about Emma?” Roque shot and Clay shook his head.

“Doesn't count. I didn't sleep with Emma.

“Bullshit!” Roque snorted, “you brought her to Pooch’s wedding!”

“To be fair, she behaved better than other people I could mention.” Cougar smirked and Stella glared at him.

“Dud, she put a bomb in his car!” Roque shook his head and Clay shrugged.

“Okay, I admit, that did take a little of the romance out of the relationship.

“Whatever, and now this chick shows up and...what's her name, Aisha?” Roque arched his brow and Clay nodded, “and well, she burns down our hotel!”

“I'm clear, Roque.”

“Well, you better be, because I ain't getting killed by no girl.”

“It's been a long time since anyone called me a girl.” A strange voice quipped and Stella wheeled round to see a dark skinned, dark haired, pretty woman approaching them. She stopped and looked at Clay, her head tilting to one side. “She put a bomb in your car?”

“She was volatile.” Clay rolled his eyes and Aisha nodded simply, her brow raised. “ Aisha, this is Jensen, Pooch, Roque, Cougar, Arty.” He introduced her to them all in turn and she nodded.

“Really? Heh.”

Stella narrowed her eyes as the woman drew closer and stopped in the middle of them. “Gentlemen, and Arty, of course, in ninety-seven hours, Max will be in Miami. He travels in an armored column with at least 30 private security, all armed to the teeth. You have a better shot at kidnapping the president.” Her tone was a little dramatic for Stella’s liking, and as she took a deep breath, she faught the urge to roll her eyes. Instead, glancing away, she saw Roque was also looking at the newcomer with a very suspicious expression.

Least she wasn’t the only one who seemed impervious to her stunning good looks, unlike Cougar, Pooch, Clay and Jensen who were all practically drooling.

“Good news for you is I have the power to get you guys back in the U.S and fund the entire op as you see fit. You get Max and we're square.”

“Why should we believe you?” Stella asked, and Aisha turned to her, a maddeningly smug expression on her face.

“Because I'm the first person you've met who even admits he exists. Listen, you guys can all stay here in Bolivia and rot. Or you can go home and get revenge on the man that framed you. It's your choice.”

“Colonel?” Jake turned to Clay, and Clay shook his head.

“Don't call me that. We're not soldiers anymore.”

“Okay, you know that if we do this, we are waging a war against the Central Intelligence Agency.”

“They started it.” Cougar spat on the floor.

Aisha handed clay a piece of paper, “call me with your decision, but make it quick. If you’re in, then your way outta here leaves in fifteen hours.”

Stella watched her leave, and then took a deep breath. As desperate as she was to get home, something about this didn’t sit right with her. But that said, what was the alternative?

“Are you sure about this Clay?” She looked at him, and he simply smiled back.

“Absolutely.”

A low groan game from Roque and Clay turned to look at him, “Something to say?”

Roque raised his hands defensively, “nope, I’m done… for now anyway.”

Clay glared at him, before he turned to everyone else. “Okay, Losers! We have precisely fifteen hours, time to clear out. Pack what you need, destroy the rest.”

“Stel,” Jake’s hand gently curled round her upper arm where stood, her eyes trained on Clay as he turned to leave.

“What?” she snapped.

“Are you pissed at me, seriously? Because, I swear I don’t really have a pant busting crush…”

“No, I know.” Stella shook her head, before she dug him with her elbow, “you’re still a jerk though.”

Jake grinned, “yeah…” then he took a deep breath, “think this is going to work?”

Stella snorted and shrugged her shoulders. “Up until three months or so ago I wouldn’t have doubted him. Now…” she sighed, “I don’t know, but until someone comes up with a viable alternative, I’m willing to try anything.”

“Well, when you look at it like that…” Jake tossed an arm round her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her head, “what’s the worst that can happen?”

*** Chapter 13

#too loose and you'll lose it #jake jensen #jake jensen x ofc #jake jensen x original female character #the losers #the losers fan fiction #jake jensen fanfiction #chris evans #chris evans characters

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postmodernmulticoloredcloak · 3 years

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I decided to watch the Walker pilot so you don’t have to. #1

I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m doing this and the more I put it off the less I’ll want to do this. So. Let’s start.

The fist thing we see is Jared Padalecki, em Walker, driving. He’s vaguely smiling and there’s the sun behind him. He seems happy. He’s driving a truck, for some reason my mind goes to Twilight. I’d rather watch that. At least there are vampires (not dressed like clowns) there. Anyway. Walker is meeting someone. He’s meeting his wife! “Look at you!” she says. The camera makes us look at him. He looks like this

I am unsure whether we’re supposed to see this as sexy or cool. It looks frankly ridiculous. I don’t know if I’m just not American enough to appreciate the aesthetic of this. But I didn’t go through 15 seasons of Americana-in-British-Columbia for nothing. If a character appeared like this on Supernatural, it wouldn’t be presented seriously. It would be played for a chuckle or in a light-hearted way at least. Not even Dean Winchester would find this hot.

The Padaleckis tell something to each other. Apparently he needs to go home with the kids and his parents because it’s game night. My mind immediately goes to Game Night the episode and I am sad now. But Walker lifts my mood in its own weird way. He doesn’t know the rules because every time she tells him the rules, he blacks out. I would make a fun quip about this, but the truth is that I relate to him a lot right now because I blacked out during the entire scene. I’m not sure what they said other than the game thing because I wrote it here. I already forgot the rest.

Anyway. What we’re supposed to get from this scene that they’re Very In Love (see that soft warm light?), and that he’s anxious because he’s not great at being a father because he’s shit at games apparently, but his wife is like ~don’t worry so much~ because she’s a kind, understanding wife. He tells her to be safe, because the Texan countryside is dangerous or something. She needs to stay on a route he approved for some reason. Is she traveling with supersoldier serum in her car? Is Hydra going to murder her? [cue the Marvel snipers shooting me to death because they don’t want Marvel to be associated to this]

Later, everyone is having fun playing fake monopoly, but Walker (whose mannerism is just Jared, he’s not even trying) is apparently too stupid to understand a game for kids. Plot twist, this is anti-cop propaganda because it says cops are dumb.

“Et tu Brute” Jared says when the kids point out he broke a rule so they get an extra turn. I thought I was safe from hearing Jared speak Latin! I thought I was safe! I am never safe!

Emily (Gen) suddenly texts him “SOS. Answer” which is OMINOUS! Oh my god! Aren’t you feeling the tension. The rest of the family keeps playing fake monopoly. Someone throws dice. Are we supposed to go “oh! The dice are ~symbolic because someone’s playing dice with her life” or have I been watching too much good tv.

She is running somewhere in the countryside, wearing a white shirt (is this the cowboy lady equivalent of the Wife Nightgown?). She says something is not right. He’s worried. Then he hears gunshot and her scream. He does the Alarmed Jared face, presses lips together and does a Upset Jared face.

Then he goes out, tries to call her again, and again, does a Jared Upset Sniff--

Oh! We actually see her! She’s alive, but she’s been shot in the stomach. Her white shirt is definitely the cowboy lady equivalent of the Wife Nightgown! Ah the blood coming from the stomach! How terrible! Her phone is ringing but she cannot reach it. She is definitely alive right now, though. She’s breathing heavily because of the wound, which is breathing, which is the opposite of being dead.

He decides that she’s dead, and lets out the already infamous manly scream of anguish.

It would be sad if it wasn’t that literally one second ago we saw her wounded but alive. Her turning out alive in the season finale or so will shock everyone. Nobody will have seen it coming. Who wrote this? They should have just shown the ringing phone and her bloody hand/side, making the audience assume she was dead, instead of showing her breathing. Now the audience is gonna assume she didn’t actually die, and wonder “why didn’t he call someone or went looking for her” but apparently Jared’s characters have forgotten that, like, ambulances are a thing. Jared’s manly screams of anguish are more important than common sense.

I’m not going to say anything about the manly scream of anguish. I’m not going to say anything about the manly scream of anguish. I’m n

We’re just 4 minutes in, guys. Why am I doing this?

Eleven months later, says the screen.

It’s night, outside a house. The son is waiting for him. The daughter doesn’t think he’s coming. On the porch there are two men, one is his brother and one is apparently his former partner, now new boss. He’s dressed like you’d expect a normal person to be dressed in a casual Texan night, hat and tie and all. If you are law enforcement in Texas and don’t wear a cowboy hat at any moment, you will be executed. That’s what the death penalty in Texas is for.

Somebody arrives, but to the kids’ disappointment is some dude whose function is to tell us the men’s names. The brother is Liam, the cop dude I forgot.

Walker is being sad on the back of his truck and drinking alcohol, which is the only way television can express a man having trauma. Holy shit - he reminisces of his wife like this is some emotional Lord of the Rings scene in a place where Elves live except this is not the Lord of the Rings and is just ridiculous, look

She’s seen running towards the gazebo, then she turns

This is exactly shot like the scene where Arwen has a vision of her son. Flowy hair and all. I cannot take this seriously.

He smiles sadly. Then a cop car arrives.

Mexican Lady Cop(TM), whose function in the story is to be a Mexican Lady Cop(TM) asks for his licence since he’s drinking alcohol in a public place.

“You ask so nicely” drunk Walker says. Ew. “Yeah, they train the girls special” Oh! Can you see? She is the Feminist Icon who Takes No Shit from the Dude! I’m so excited. I am slowly losing the will to live.

She drives him home on the police car. His legs don’t fit. At least this is realistic.

He does exposition in the car, including “I needed to visit a ghost instead”. There-there was no need to say it. What’s the demographic they’re aiming for? Five year olds? Do they have to spell everything out loud?

“It’s been a while since I had an actual conversation” he says, which supposedly explains why he’s making awkward exposition, but it’s just bad writing. At least they acknowledge it’s bad writing.

She figures he’s law enforcement coming back from an undercover mission from some drunken ramble he makes. This is worse than the Sherlock phone cable port thing.

She says she just got promoted from state trooper, ehe she will work with him wink wink nudge nudge. Is she going to be a cop-buddy-character slash love interest except when they’re almost about to realize they’re into each other, his wife comes back and draa~ama? I can already see it.

He goes home, makes some Jared grunts, and falls asleep on the couch.

Next morning, he goes out and jogs to where he left the truck. He puts on a cowboy hat which is supposed to be an artistic shot.

I’m slowly dying. He makes some Jared Deep Breaths, at least this made me laugh.

Wait, he’s now wearing a black hat. He’s in mourning, see? What.

He drives to his father’s ranch. His father is Super Not Impressed. It’s awkward. They took about horses. Mitch Pileggi is thinking that at least the other show was more exciting and there was Jensen Ackles in it.

He gets into his parents’ house and the dogs run to him, he does the Jared Dog Chuckle. He hugs his mom. He hugs his son - “August, my boy!” he says, like a normal person his age says.

He hugs his brother and they joke-wrestle and he says “I’m still the big brother” and did I mention I’m dying inside. I just can tell this is SUPPOSED to be reminiscent of Dean and Sam’s first meeting at Stanford in the pilot except Jared is the big brother now. Ew.

We learn that the brother is a DA and gay. All pilots suffer from Forced Exposition Syndrome but it’s like this isn’t even trying.

He goes to work and hugs (very manly hug of course) his friend-now-boss, who is called James. James asks him if he’s good and he’s like yeah I’m good, which our I’m Fine Lie Moment #1. Some things never change.

Enter the case of the week - a cop offered roadside assistance but he was assaulted. We’re already starting with a “Oh No Poor Cop :( Someone Doesn’t Like Cops And Gets Violent” plot. Yay.

Ta-da! Mexican Lady Cop appears, cowboy hat and all. James says she’s Walker’s new partner. My heart cries while Walker says “figured you’d be a guy” and she replies “so did my mom”. The feminism is so strong :’) She’s such a strong female character :’) I’m so happy :’)

Then Walker makes such a quintessential Jared thing with his mouth that I need to stop this here and take a break.

It’s been 13 minutes. So much still to go. I’m bored. Why am I doing this.

#cw's jared: legit texan #marghe watches walker for some darned reason

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deanwasalwaysbi · 3 years

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Dean’s Self Acceptance & Chekhov's Grenade Launcher

If you aren’t here for a deeper look at episode 12x22, metaphors, and Dean being bi, keep scrolling because we’re going to get into that holy hand grenade - Supernatural’s Grenade Launcher, the weapon that Dean has loved since season one but always got shamed out of using; shamed out of using UNTIL 12x22; an episode literally titled, ‘Who We Are’.

After which Dean loses Castiel and goes into the Widower arc ... ok. ... Cool. I’ll just read nothing into any of that shall I?

(cont under the cut)

Okay first- ‘what grenade launcher? I don’t remember a grenade launcher?’

Dean has a grenade launcher in the trunk that we’ve never seen him use. It's been there at least since episode 1x02. He has assigned a gender to the grenade launcher, calling it ‘she’ like his car. It has appeared multiple times, but one noteworthy time was two episodes ago when Dean was showing his arsenal to Max Barnes, the openly gay witch hunter, in 12x20. Mmmhmm, nothing to see there. Nothing about the slow progression of Dean learning to accept himself. Nothing about Dean opening his trunk up to a canonically gay man.

Dean often wants to use it her, but it’s she’s impractical, it’s she’s not stealthy. The thing is unsafe, and other characters are constantly telling him no, put it back, don’t bring it, don’t use it. (See 12x05)

When Dean lost his memory - when he would have seen no reason NOT to use it, one of the other characters reminded him with a post-it note: this thing that you want to do, that’s a natural instinct for you, don’t do it. (See 12x11)

[gif credit to @demondetox & @shirtlesssammy]

Okay, now that we have a bit of primer - let’s talk about 12x22. There’s a lot to unpack in this episode.

Mary has been brainwashed and the boys have been locked in the bunker to die. After trying magic and pickaxes (shout out to “goggles? goggles.”), Dean realizes it is time. Time to tear down his big concrete wall with something, "Big, Beautiful, and Dumb" regardless of what the British lady in the bunker says, and he's getting no more resistance from Sam.

"I have had this thing for so long, I have been waiting for the *perfect* moment to use this."

We've been seeing the grenade launcher for 12 seasons, and in how many episodes and they just happen to have Dean finally use it to break OUT by breaking DOWN walls in an episode titled ‘WHO WE ARE’?!

Having torn down that wall with the grenade launcher, it becomes time to deal with other, less physical ones. There are British Men of Letters to fight, Mary is still brainwashed, and there is no magical shortcut that is going to cut through. In a display of how far the characters have come, Sam is becoming a leader in a fight he originally wanted no part in [which the show will drop over and over for no reason] and Dean, well this one’s about Dean for me.

Dean fucked up his leg coming out ... of the bunker, I mean. Finally using the grenade launcher, it hurt, but it didn’t kill him. An earlier Dean would have joined the fight at the men of letters compound anyway, prepared to die in a blaze of glory. However, Dean has changed. Instead he recognizes that going into a fight right now would be idiotic and he stays behind to fight with EMOTIONS instead of brawn. It’s okay to Dean, and even his idea, to not go into the ‘manly’ fight. Dean has become secure in himself enough to volunteer to go into the battle that requires being open and honest about feelings. He initiates the hug and feelings talk with Sam, (only undercutting a lil with a classic 'bitch' 'jerk' call response). No chick flick moments indeed.

So Dean and Sam hug, Sam promises Dean he’ll come back, and we move on to the most important scene in the episode. Dean has broken through mind control with feelings before, with Cas in season 8 episode 17 when we had the infamous ‘We need you. I need you’ moment (though apparently Jensen Dean was still guarded enough that this was not an ‘I love you’.) but this time Dean goes into Mary’s psyche; Mary who has been a stand in all season for who Dean was emotionally before his character growth.

The viewer is expecting some big declaration of love, that’s how dean broke through last time. But no. That’s not what we get.

Dean finally lets out his true feelings. About his childhood. About John. About Mary’s death. About everything that has ever happened to Sam. The walls are coming down. Dean is honest with someone about the resentment he feels (which should be directed at John) about the responsibility that was put on him as a child. In sharp contrast to his reaction to Mary’s guilt at the beginning of the season, of Dean as the perpetual caretaker, now Dean gets to acknowledge his own feelings, that he does blame Mary and her deal for what they went through. Watch this scene. He hates her and he loves her. okay.

Yes, Dean got to use the grenade launcher, but it wasn’t in a climax of some epic battle. It was in the ramp up - the beginning of an episode.

No, the climax of the episode was Dean comin to terms with feelings the character has had since season one. We’ve been looking at this grenade launcher for 12 years, but we’ve been witnessing Dean’s feelings here for just as long & Dean takes his emotional predecessor, Mary, along with him.

I will skip past the fight scene between him and ketch - which is actually impressive given the horse tranquilizer he’d been given. Instead, I want to get to 12x23, to his reunion with Castiel.

Dean has used the grenade launcher. Dean has accepted himself and admitted something to himself that you can’t even really see until you look back at this episode’s placement retrospectively. Dean is no longer trying to fight with Castiel, he just wants to help him. Castiel heals Dean’s major knee injury and Dean, well we get an interesting jacting joice:

in fact, the moment continues with a lil half smile and Dean looking down and checking his knee, I’m just having trouble getting a gif or a video to make one from. Throughout the entire episode Cas routinely addresses Dean specifically despite being in a group at all times. Cas later makes a run at Lucifer and Sam wrestles a yelling concerned Dean away and back through the rift, just as Dean wrestled him away from Jess in the pilot.

At the end of this episode Cas is killed in front of Dean, who for the first time doesn't continue on in the fight, instead dropping to his knees. This all flows right into Dean’s intense season 13 widower arc. Dean feels Cas’s death in a way we have never seen him grieve before.

Ho.ly.Shit.

"Who We Are".

It gets another use later in the series in the same episode where Dean also wears a live action version of the pink sleeping gown he wore in scoobynatural, but we’ll get to that later.

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compo67 · 2 years

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The Difference 8 Years Makes: Photo Op Chapter 1 Then and Now

I started writing Photo Op in October 2013, literally while I was at Chicon. (I took my netbook there like a nerd.) I was waiting for the J2 panel when the idea hit and wow, 300k later, this verse is massive.

I'm doing a reread so I can map things out for Photo Op 4. So then I can keep up with continuity. But I'm also editing a little (okay, maybe more than a little). I just want to show y'all the difference 8 years makes in writing.

Thank you all, for reading this verse, for every comment, for all the support throughout the years. I would not have grown as a writer without y'all. <3

Chapter 1: (from a 2014 copy, ~400 words)

He spent two weeks worrying.

Numerous books were shelved incorrectly because he kept rephrasing what he would say and how.

All of his coworkers knew he was doomed to be the guy who threw up all over themselves in the presence of a celebrity. What was worse was that he actually agreed with them; he packed two changes of clothes just in case.

One two hour train ride and three buses after and he was finally standing in front of the convention center.

It was far larger than City Hall and he was pretty sure he could fit five of any average home inside one corner of the center. Swept along with the crowds of people, he managed to make his way to the hotel that connected with the center, check-in, and find his room. He had arrived a day early just to be safe.

Presently, in the photo-op line, he is shaking.

Okay, so he makes eight dollars and fifty cents an hour working at Mayhue’s, but it’s enough to get by on for what he needs, and it is definitely paying for this photo-op.

When he sees the outfit Jensen is wearing, Jared stumbles over his own feet as the line inches forward. Good Lord, he thinks, chewing on his bottom lip, is this man even human?

Five people away he thinks his heart might be permanently damaged.

Four people away he starts rehearsing what he will say—in his mind, of course.

Three people away he can’t stop fidgeting.

Two people away he takes off his hoodie and wraps it around his waist. It’s hot in the tiny room and there are at least three hundred people in here.

One person away and he puts his on his hoodie again because dammit there must be a vent or something.

Stepping up towards Jensen, he doesn’t trip.

He just feels his smile widen to full capacity.

It happens so quickly that Jared can’t believe any of it when he’s outside, holding the printed out copy of his photo-op.

Tucking the photo away, as if it were the most sacred religious text, he double checks to make sure he has everything before taking a taxi to the nearest train. Sliding his hand in his left pocket—he swears he put three dollars before losing it a couple of days ago.

What he finds is definitely not a dollar.

It’s a simple business card that says J. Ackles on the front.

On the back is a handwritten phone number.

Jared misses his train ride home.

Chapter One (The Great 2022 Edit, ~1300 words)

For the past two weeks, Jared has worried about attending his first-ever fan convention.

He incorrectly shelved an indeterminate amount of books while working the aisles at Mayhue's Bookstore because of this convention. His body may have been at work, but his mind certainly wasn't. He kept rephrasing exactly what he would say during his photo op with the headlining celebrity, Jensen Ackles.

Every one of Jared's coworkers predicted he would lose his nerve by backing out or throwing up.

He still doesn't necessarily disagree with them, because anxiety got the best of him--he packed two changes of clothes just in case. Jared enjoys preparing for the worst... sometimes at the expense of enjoying the moment. But this is his (belated) high school graduation and eighteenth birthday present, so he's determined to take every possible precaution. He would have chartered a private jet from Smithville--the sleepiest town in Texas--to Dallas, except for the fact that he makes only slightly above minimum wage. In any case, he prefers the six hour ride on the Amtrak, as it provides him with ample people watching, time to read, and more legroom than the Greyhound option.

On the Texas Eagle, Jared reworks his planned remarks and finally lands on the perfect words to say as he steps up for his photo op. He writes them down, over and over, so as to commit them to memory. When the train arrives in Dallas, he follows his carefully planned travel itinerary and finds the right bus. The last leg of his journey, the bus takes fifteen minutes and deposits him smack dab in front of the convention center.

Slightly intimidating in its size--far larger than any public space he's ever been to--he came prepared to tackle the convention center and its throngs of people. He manages to make his way to the hotel, check in, and find his room without too much trouble. Thankfully, he arrives at the con a day before his photo op, and takes the opportunity to decompress from the trip, check in with his mother, text his friends, and shower. Time passes all too quickly, cooped up in his modest hotel room, where he fusses over the selection of clothes he packed until the last minute. His friends helped him put together the few outfits that fit in his carry-on bag. On Saturday morning, he wakes up early and sits through a few fan panels, then takes a stroll through merchandise alley. With a little bit of spending money his momma gave him before he left, he buys two prints and a t-shirt. Surrounded by the enthusiasm of thousands of people, Jared walks with a bounce in his step. He returns to his room with revitalized energy--and his ever-constant state of anxiety.

In the bathroom mirror, Jared attempts to look at himself in the most objective way possible. He's tall, that's for sure, and his momma figures he'll top out somewhere around six foot four. That's three inches to go. What will the world look like from that perspective? He makes a wish that as he grows taller, he'll fill out, because one of the most fitting words to describe himself is "lanky."

He runs a finger down his nose, then pokes the dimple that frames his mouth. Tiny moles dot his face, instead of the freckles he so desired in grade school. It seemed like all the cool kids had freckles. He rolls his eyes at his assessment of self, then hopes his chin-length, wavy-at-the-ends, cinnamon brown hair looks somewhat decent--not floppy or messy. It's fine. He is fine. Everything will be fine.

However, for all of his planning, worrying, and overthinking, he can't help sweating bullets as he joins the long, winding photo op line in the convention center's lower level. He joins the line just as it snakes past a pop-up bar, and helps a fellow convention attendee when she spills her drink and stains her carefully crafted cosplay. They each miss the moment when bodyguards in suits walk past, collectively forming a wall around Jensen and leading him to the photo op room. The entire line stays on its best behavior, but lets out a loud cheer.

Back in line, Jared rocks back and forth on his feet. He's here. This is it. In about thirty minutes, all of his hard work at the store will pay off. He doesn't make much at Mayhue's--it's just enough to help his momma with expenses--but he worked hard to save up and pay half of the cost for this experience. He understands the value of a dollar earned and the meaning of a dollar spent. It's how his momma raised him.

If only she had also taught him how to stay calm in front of the movie star, TV star, celebrity, model, breathtakingly handsome human being known as Jensen Ackles.

Don't throw up. Don't throw up.

The line inches forward at a steady pace and leads everyone into a large conference room. Handlers instruct people to please place any purses or backpacks on the large table in the middle of the room, then shout out further instructions. One or two people maximum per photograph, unless they purchased an additional ticket. No inappropriate or sexually suggestive poses, signs, or props. Keep the line moving.

Taller than most people, Jared gets an early glimpse of Jensen. Oh, fuck. He catches a glimpse of Jensen's outfit--black, fitted jeans and a lightweight sweater the color of smoke from a controlled fire. Perfect. Meanwhile, Jared stumbles over his own feet as the line inches forward. Good Lord, he thinks, chewing on his bottom lip, how is this man even human?

Five people away--Jared's heart thumps so hard against his chest that it might suffer permanent damage.

Four people away--he starts mentally rehearsing what he will say.

Three people away--he can’t stop fidgeting.

Two people away--he takes off his protective hoodie and wraps it around his waist. It’s hot in this tiny room and there are at least three hundred people crammed into the conference room for the same purpose.

One person away--he holds his hoodie close to his chest as a security blanket.

The handler who directs to move forward offers to hold his hoodie. Jared accepts and hands it over. This is it.

Jared steps towards Jensen, and he doesn’t trip. That's the first win. His smile widens to full capacity. That's the second win. Jensen slings his arm across Jared's shoulders, the flash goes off, and it's done. He did it. He made it all the way through without making a fool of himself or breaking down. That's the third and best win. He can hardly believe any of it when he’s outside the photo op room, holding his hoodie and a ticket with details on where to pick up the printed out copy of his photo-op in an hour.

That. Was. Amazing.

He pulls on his hoodie, and tucks the ticket--the most sacred item ever--into the front pouch. After a deep breath, he double checks he has everything before heading up to his room for the rest of the afternoon. He promised his mother he would not wander around Dallas after sunset. Even if he wanted to, he'd only be teasing himself in the process. He has enough money left to order room service for the night and that's it. He'll be back on the Texas Eagle tomorrow at seven in the morning. On his way back to his room, he checks the back pocket of his jeans to make sure he has a tip to give whoever delivers his food. What he finds is definitely not cash.

It’s a simple business card, J. Ackles printed on the front.

On the back, there's a neatly written phone number--Jensen Ackles' personal cell phone number.

Jared grapples with the thought that tomorrow, he may miss his train ride home.

#compo67 #authorial rambles #they met at the photo op booth #photo op verse #j2 #spn rps #jared/jensen

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theyarebothgunshot · 3 years

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jib 7 breakdown and analysis

a little while ago i said that i am open to requests for making analysis posts when it comes to cockles panels and just cockles in general, and i got quite a few responses. the first person who asked me was my lovely tea anon, and the panel in question is jib 2016 aka jib 7.

first of all i want to give you my take on the overall vibe, and then second of all i will get into the details and link to certain timestamps in the video.

standard disclaimer: i am not gonna be linking to every single thing i talk about, but i will try my best to link to the moments that stand out to me the most. my recommendation would be to watch the panel in its entirety alongside my comments. i have read long posts about this panel before, so not everything in this post is gonna be original or said for the first time ever, simply because there is a good chance that information has stuck in my mind and has subconsciously formed my view of this panel. this is also in no way, shape or form gonna be coherent, unfortunately. i’m just gonna hope that the cockles hivemind will be able to make sense of this regardless. love and light. and lastly, this is all in good fun, so don’t come at me if you think this is too out there please and thank you.

the overall vibe that this panel gives me is that jensen and misha are a unity at this point. they are in sync with each other, and this whole panel is very relaxed and in good spirits. there is also the fact that their outfits match very well. and with jensen ross ackles involved, that cannot be a coincidence, so i love that a lot.

another thing that i cannot ignore is that it’s also a very sexual panel, with a lot of double meanings and innuendos and remarks that can be read as sexual if you are as pervy as me.

now let’s get into the specifics.

although i am sure this is not going to be news for any of you, i feel like a little background knowledge is in order. before this panel, misha had had a panel that day with j*red. the mishalecki panel was really fucking funny and filled with sexual innuendos.

between these two panels, it appears that there was a break in which they all had nothing to do (i am basing this off other people’s experiences and reports that i have read in the past, as i unfortunately wasn’t there myself).

considering how this panel goes, i think there is a good chance that jensen and misha just had sex beforehand. and based on both of their demeanors, one could draw certain conclusions about who did what (i honestly don’t like talking about who tops and who bottoms because who gives a shit and things are rarely that black and white, but all i’m gonna say is that even though jensen has joked about his asshole before, jensen and misha clearly said switch rights).

from the very first second. the VERY FIRST SECOND. jensen is sauntering on stage like he is thee man. then the crowd is cheering ‘one more time’, and jensen looks at misha, starts cheering too, and makes a movement that is bordering on obscene before waving it away. conclusion: ‘one more time’ could also mean ‘one more round of hot steaming sex’ and he still had sex on the brains, so that was what he was thinking about.

ahhh, the intricate ritual [1m34s] of greeting each other on stage as if you haven’t spoken to each other all day, even though you probably just had sex….. jensen ackles, i wanna study you. i wonder what the deal is with that. does he just like to pay misha extra attention on stage? does he revel in the fact that he knows that fans like this sort of interaction? can he just not help himself? questions that keep me up at night.

also, there is just SOMETHING about the way jensen says ‘i’m doing well how are you?’ it’s almost flustered? borderline shy? and then he goes on to say that he did an impression of misha earlier, in a manner that’s just so flirty. idk guys. it’s flirty. kindergarten flirty, but flirty nonetheless.

misha, of course, immediately turns his entire body towards him. almost as if they both already forgot there is an audience in front of them. then he just gets closer and closer to jensen, for no reason whatsoever except for the pure magnetic pull they have on each other. pray4misha.

i think it is a testament to how in sync they are that misha immediately realises that jensen mentioned bicycle touring during his ‘impression of misha’, and i love the moment where jensen puts on an accent (something that misha normally does) and goes ‘is like sport’ and misha laughs and goes ‘is very similar to sport’ and they both lose it. idk, i feel like that might be a sort of inside joke to them as well.

this might be slightly reaching, but hear me out: right away, jensen goes: ‘oh by the way, sore?’ why would he say ‘by the way’? what is he thinking about when he says that? is it about ‘is very similar to sport’? because i could totally see them having sex and refering to it as ‘well that’s kind of like a sport’, as an inside joke. it works. i’m just saying!!!

look. i know this back and forth has been discussed to death. we all know that the implication is that jensen fucked misha and misha is kind of stunned that jensen actually goes there. so stunned that he repeats it: ‘sore? am i sore?’ almost as if to stall a bit in his response. yikes.

i think that it’s fair to say that this is something jensen enjoys doing: riling misha up on stage. because a lot of the time, misha has the upper hand on stage (probably also in the bedroom but that’s another conversation), but sometimes. sometimes jensen just can’t help but throw a lil oil onto the fire. (see also: underbear panel, throwing himself on stage to get straddled, etc).

misha goes on to say that ‘after the panel with j*red’ he is quite sore. you can take that at face value, and think ‘oh so he is joking around that the panel with j*red made him sore haha’ or you can see a little bit of the truth shine through: literally after that panel, something happened that made him sore. it’s always easier to lie when you are bending the truth.

i actually can’t believe i never connected the dots before, but when misha deflects and says ‘oh you’re talking about the bike riding’ jensen is quick to say: ‘oh no i was talking about what just happened’ but instead of pointing at the stage (which is where the previous panel took place) he is gesturing to backstage. i mean…. way to feed into my ‘they just had sex backstage’ theory, jackles. thanks for that.

i cannot get over the way jensen is looking at misha throughout this whole ordeal, but especially when he goes ‘you heard it here first, folks’ and misha walks up to him. THAT FACE. fuck him. he’s so gone.

sidenote: i have never wished to be able to read lips as much as i have since i have stumbled upon these two morons, because i WISH i could see what misha is mouthing to jensen. i know there is some spec that he might have said ‘i am a little bit’ (aka he is a little bit sore) and i could see that, but i just want to know for sure. and even though i have seen people state that jensen would have already known about the panel with j*red, i think it’s possible misha hadn’t filled jensen in yet, seeing as they probably were doing something other than talking.

let me take this moment to tell y’all about one of my jenmish theories, and that is: i think that jensen sometimes is overprotective of misha and that can come across as jealousy when it’s actually just worry. and i think this panel is a good example of that.

misha says [4m25s] that in italy they call come influence and jensen just. straight up looks at misha like ‘what the fuck did you do, what mess did you get yourself into this time?’ this is another reason why i believe he actually didn’t know about what happened during that panel yet: the reaction looks very authentic. you see his eyes shift from one side to the other and back again, as he is trying to process it. and honestly when you look at misha, his face goes through this journey of ‘this is funny’ to ‘shit is this maybe going a bit too far?’ and ending on ‘okay wrap it up wrap it up’. this is further solidified by the fact that jensen starts to mime digging a grave (aka ‘digging your own grave’).

misha tries to ‘change the subject’ by saying cas is the bottom in the implied relationship with sam and jensen immediately brings it back to sports. see what i meant when i said that they are tying sex and sports together? here jackles goes again, doing exactly that. for no reason whatsoever. (except to once again proof my point).

WHY [5m50s] do they both burst out laughing at ‘tight end’ why why why i don’t wanna know but why why also quick reminder of ‘are you sore at all’ help i am just. EVERY DAY they are making me perceive things and connect dots and i do not like it. anyways i’m not saying that this is all very graphic stuff about their sex lives but i’m also not not saying it, you feel? jensen’s face says it all tbh. on a more wholesome note: i love the fact that they basically wanted to say ‘we should take questions’ at the same time. again: in sync.

when the first person to ask a question said ‘this is a serious question’ misha goes to explain to jensen that that was a joke during his panel with j*red, another reason to believe that he hadn’t told jensen about the panel yet. jensen’s face there…. heart eyes motherfucker.

i really don’t see enough people talk about the ‘safe word’ [6m38s] bit. jensen is the one to bring it up ‘so we should probably establish a safe word at this point. mine is keep going.’ misha laughs, and then realises what jensen has said, and (here comes my dom/sub truthing) teases jensen by saying ‘what is your safe word?’ to which jensen replies ‘keep going’ but LOOK at jensen’s face after he says that. he shakes his head with a little smirk and looks at misha with such a knowing look in his eyes that says ‘you fucker you know damn well what my safe word is’ and he actually does a double take and immediately rolls his eyes at himself after that. it’s all very quick but it’s far from subtle and i am here for it.

i fucking love this next part because when the person says ‘a real story about the real jensen and the real misha’ they both are just like ‘yes okay’ but as soon as they say ‘that you have never told anyone before’ jensen just looks down and moves his head as if to say ‘what the hell am i supposed to come up with then’ lmao it’s really funny, and they end it with: ‘to know you a little bit better’ and guys (gn) i beg of you to look at the way they look at each other here. [7m24s] jensen is just like ‘help wtf should we say to this’ and misha just smiles down at him fondly like ‘sigh our fans really want us to talk about our relationship and as much as we would love to share stuff we just can’t’.

when misha says ‘we have to dust off some of those stories that we usually try not to tell other people’, something comes to mind: the ‘3 least ordered items on the menu’ story, that jensen shared a year after this at honcon. i honestly think that maybe they started to talk about what else they could share with the public, after this panel, because they get similar questions like this one all the time. either that or jensen just thought about what he felt comfortable sharing, without talking to misha about it, and decided to tell that story.

i also absolutely love when they say ‘this is a serious question’ at the same time. AGAIN: IN SYNC!!!

‘i actually have a voice for you’ jensen can you please tell me why this sounds flirty and charming while you are actually about to make fun of your husband? i hate you (no i don’t) the fact that misha immediately knows what will happen, says a lot.

then jensen says: ‘dust off an old story for uhh..’ and burst out laughing. i swear to god i’d give my left pinkie to know what came to mind and what he whispered into misha’s ear. and i’m left handed. but i think we can all agree that whatever jensen said, it was something sexual, seeing as misha goes ‘nope’. those fuckers (affectionate).

something that i have mentioned in the past is that jensen always sort of ‘jokey’ goes ‘oh shit’ whenever misha says he’ll share something personal/private about them. i mean. jensen, it would be less sus if you didn’t respond. just giving you some pointers here, bro. because misha almost never shares something strange, it’s actually your reaction that makes me go ‘hmmmm.’ this time he even gets kind of elaborate breathing?? [10m27s]

oh to be a fly in clif’s car… honestly, the things clif must have heard and witnessed lmao. he clearly knows what is up between them (has made enough remarks about thinking that misha would be the bottom and that misha on his knees was nothing new for me to see that he absolutely knows.)

this isn’t really important when it comes to cockles but they talk a bit about j*red’s internet dispute with at&t and jensen goes ‘oh they know’ gesturing to the audience. so clearly, jensen is well aware of the fact that fandom gets involved whenever something happens online with any one of them. just. thought that is an interesting fact. just in general. also love how i can tell that they both think j*reds crusades are bullshit (as they should).

there is something really cute [14m13s] about the way misha goes ‘do you want your apple juice?’ and jensen goes ‘yeah!’ it sounds so domestic and mundane and i just. god i love them so much.

i know we talk about jensen’s heart eyes a lot. but y’all. look [14m52s] at misha right here. he’s SO in love.

the thing that strikes me about jensen putting on ‘that voice’ for misha is that misha is honestly not bothered by it at all, but i think if the shoe was on the other foot, jensen would definitely be bothered. i don’t know what conclusion to draw from that but i just thought that is interesting. i always laugh at that bit, though, they seem to have so much fun.

i REALLY wanna know how jensen got from ‘will you dance for us?’ to ‘no but i’ll tell you what, misha and i will write a song for you real quickly.’ it’s such a fast transition that i am tempted to think that this was something he had been thinking about for a while now. he just wanted his mish to sing a song. and that warms my heart.

if you think i will ever get over how soft jensen is here… ‘you’re smart, you think on your feet, you make brilliant videos, put them on facebook, write amazing texts (*coughs* poems) and tweets and stuff, go ahead. spit out some lyrics, big guy.’ there is not one single thing about this that i do not adore. an ode to misha!!!! so casually!!! fuck. it might be true that if you want jensen to do something, you get misha to ask him, but it’s certainly also true the other way around.

the way jensen just. stares [19m02s] at misha, trying to get inspired by him, trying to feel out what cords to play. yeah. the way misha stands up but instinctively turns to jensen when he starts to sing. yeah. and then during the remainder of the song, he keeps on turning to jensen even though he faces the audience. and jensen loved it all. it’s so sweet. idk why but it just is. jensen just wanted his babe to thrive and get the love he deserves.

aaaand in comes the dom shake [20m37s]. we love to see it. jensen just keeps on looking at mish. almost gets lost in it. touches his inner thigh (one of his habits, which he does a lot around misha or when talking about misha).

i think it’s very interesting that jensen’s reaction [22m11s] to the question if he thinks dean will ever find a way to have a romantic relationship and to find himself in between normal and supernatural, is to immediately looks at misha. like? what was the reason? did he expect misha to answer a question that wasn’t about cas but about dean? did he think he should maybe answer it in a destiel-like manner? was he worried that the fan was hoping for a destiel-like answer and was he looking at misha to gauge what he thought was a smart way to respond? so many questions.

i think it’s pretty interesting that jensen was very aware of the fact that people did not wanna see dean end up with a huntress lmao. he absolutely was aware of so many fandom things.

when jensen said that misha just crossed the line [23m40s], it’s another example of how jensen is ultra aware of what misha says and how it could get him into trouble and by the sounds of it, misha knows that as well but he just can’t always stop himself in time. from what we can see, he often realises just after he has already said something (when it is already too late).

listen. the fact that misha says ‘when harry met sally’ BEFORE the question was even finished, and jensen LAUGHS, like??? that panel was 5 years ago at that point. it clearly made a lot of impact on the both of them (jeez i wonder why, could it be because misha faked an orgasm and jensen got excited? hmm. who knows.)

i think the dance portion is so fucking hilarious i’m wheeeezing. literally. they are just moving randomly AND YET THEY STILL SORT OF ARE IN SYNC? amazing.

you wanna know what i find really cute? the fact that jensen has such a soft spot for the resume off. part of me thinks it’s because they had a resume off in both 2012 and 2013.

and jib 2012 took place during the famously rumored break up period. i wouldn’t be surprised if jib 2013 was that much more special to him because they finally got to make it right again. don’t look at me i’m getting emotional (on that note…… i might wanna write something about the break up period at some point. but idk. i mean. it’s a lot to delve into especially since i wasn’t in the fandom back then but. it compels me. we’ll see i guess.)

okay i know i keep saying this but they are SO in sync, as soon as they talk about photo ops and jensen goes ‘and to dab a little salt in the wound’ misha knows what he is gonna say, and they stand up together to demonstrate what happened. AND they both go ‘that’s not the punchline’ they are husbands.

misha and jensen have both “twirled away laughing” in the EXACT same manner during this panel: misha when jensen starts to read the script, and jensen right here when misha says ‘what’s it like to be in a successful long running show’. they are mirrors. listen. listen. i know my mind is in the gutter a LOT of the time but like. uhm. there is this moment where they recall a woman saying in the photo op to ‘eat it’ (the string candy she gave to them) and misha says ‘and so we did’ and jensen looks at misha and it is SUCH an incriminating look i mean i don’t wanna be that person but 5 bucks he was thinking about eating misha out i am JUST SAYING. LITERALLY LOOK AT HIS FACE. [28m55s]

misha teases [7m02s] jensen by saying ‘what did you do? did you actually do it on purpose orrrr’ and i think it was to make jensen elaborate on it. which i think is a fucking good way to pull that off when it comes to jensen. cause jensen doesn’t like to brag, which misha knows, so by making that joke he is essentially trying to get jackles to tell the audience more about what he did, without him feeling like he is boasting about himself. and misha looks so pleased when jensen starts talking.

fuck i literally had to pause just now because. jensen says: ‘one of the characteristics of dean that i love to play is that he can bottle those fears up, stash them away, and just go. and uhm… sometimes i wish i could do that.’

this is actually making me a bit emotional because. he took his time saying this. it was a very deliberate move. he wasn’t sorry he said anything or regretted it. he wanted to get that out there. and i just. it makes so much sense if what we all think is actually true. he wishes he could just ignore all his fears and go for it. and it’s not hard to imagine what ‘it’ could be: coming out. whether that be just about his relationship with misha or being attracted to more than women in general, just in any way shape or form. it’s poignant. and misha turns away, but you can see him sigh a little bit.

the whole bit about “apple juice” is just very cute and i enjoy it a lot. one thing i will say though is that i can kind of spot two tells of jensen: the way his face scrunches up when he is telling a lie that he thinks is clever, and the way he always leaves his chair to pour a drink when a question becomes difficult/hard/too funny to face head on. he has done both of those things time and time again, during panels with misha. just an observation.

there is this little moment [10m13s] where misha tells the story about how he used to make apple cider with worms and dirt in it and in the end he goes ‘anyways. new england apple cider everyone. highly recommend.’ and jensen echoes that, ‘highly recommend. yeah.’ and of course that could just be a way to joke around and play along with misha but i’d like to think that he has visited misha and they had some apple cider together. just because i like the thought and i can, so.

how CUTE is it that jensen remembers ‘i’ll just wait here then’, a line cas spoke 7 years prior to that panel, in a scene jensen wasn’t even in. i love it.

jensen slowly shaking his head when misha says ‘fuck’ and apologizing for it has SUCH major ‘excuse my husband’ energy. i love it.

‘i’ve got an idea’ [14m13s] ‘what? let’s do it’ misha imMEDIATELY regretted that lmaooo they are always so aware of double meanings and yet they cannot seem to help themselves. we love to see it.

can you BELIEVE jensen ‘dance monkey dance’ ackles OFFERED to shamelessly promote a movie they have nothing to do with??? jensen, who hates the fact that they have to play some sort of show on stage, actually wanted to do that with misha??? i’m just- something something if you want jensen to do anything ask misha, but apparently also: if you want jensen to do something get misha involved and he’ll love it.

and then he has the audacity to say ‘over to the wheel of love.’ i mean. i can’t.

(i don’t necessarily understand what is happening btw but that’s okay, because it leads to champagne. which is fun.)

okay so again apologies for my mind being in the gutter but jensen’s face [16m33s] when he says he is going to explain what [the champagne] tastes like……. hm. help.

honestly i just love the whole champagne bit because i love it whenever they get so playful on stage, and them “presenting” the bottle and going all ‘we know what we’re talking about’ ‘we’re kind of connaisseurs’ and the whole english accent bit. say it with me…. in sync.

jensen popping a champagne bottle is something that can be so personal…. (i’m touch starved and going crazy, leave me alone)

i absolutely love the fact that jensen notices that misha is miming taking off his pants and misha immediately runs to him to explain and jensen just goes full on protective husband mode (YET AGAIN) ‘i turn my back for 2 minutes’ lmao it’s just such old married couple behavior. an old married couple that is horny and deranged, but still.

i’ve seen the gifset of this moment [24m52s] many a times but i still think it’s so intimate. the way misha looks at jensen and walks backwards with him, for no fucking reason at all. sigh. misha’s hand clenches a little, and honestly i think he would have wanted to reach out to jensen in that moment. pat his arm or his back. and something happens a little while later that only proves my point even more…

that caress [60m5s] is probably one of the most intimate gestures i’ve seen between them. it’s so familiar. so natural. it says a lot.

and that’s the end of the panel. all in all i have to say that i enjoyed rewatching this panel with the analysis goggles on, because it’s really a very different experience and i picked up on a lot more than i did when i watched it just for fun. i think this is one of my favorite panels of theirs (at least until my next analysis lmao) because of the fact that they are so in sync with each other, which goes to show that their relationship was in such a good place (mind you i am only using past tense because i am describing a past panel, not because i think they’re not in a good place right now). this was a lot of fun folks, if you actually read all of this, god bles, you’re the best. see you next time!

#cockles #jib 7 #this is very very long but in my defense this panel is an hour long #comments and thoughts are always appreciated!!

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cheerstofandomfamily · 4 years

Text

Ok I've been thinking about this for a while.. and I think I saw someone else discussing it although I don't know who or where anymore. They did have similar thoughts, but I think more in regards to the missing stuff. Sorry if this feels like I'm stepping on your toes, just had to get my two cents in.

Something has bugged me about the "I love you" "Goodbye" scene, and I've watched this video over and over again (on silent, because ow, I can't put myself through that much pain) to figure out why it doesn't sit right.

I think I've figured it out, it feels disjointed. The only scenes that feel in order are the first half where Cas is giving his speech. Then we get "You changed me Dean"

Dean's response "why does this sound like goodbye?"

And this facial expression. 👇

Cas - "Because it is." Cuts to Dean's face again transitioning. 👇

Cas - "I love you." Cuts to Dean's face again. 👇

Cuts back to Cas' face responding to something and then back to Dean again.

"Don't do this Cas". 👇 Another transition.

Now there's where I had my biggest issue with the scenes. This makes no sense.

Dean's facial expressions ARE NOT IN ORDER.

And no, I don't think a "me too" is actually missing, but I do think SOMETHING IS. I think they deliberately removed Jensen's more tearful/emotional moments (recently reblogged a gif showing this), and moved the "don't do this Cas" to later than intended, which is why his head tilts are at different angles in each scene, and why he looks less emotional after his reaction to the I love you.

Here's how I think it should be, maybe I'm wrong, and feel free to interact if you disagree. I just need to get this out.

Cas - "you changed me Dean."

Dean - "Why does this sound like goodbye?"

Cas - "Because it is."

Dean - "Don't do this Cas."

Cas - "I love you."

Dean - *too emotional, can't function, literally trying to swallow his heart that is trying to burst out of him.*

Cas - *seeing Dean's emotions and understanding that he's upset but misunderstanding why*

*possible missing Dean scene, but I dunno*

Cas - *gives Dean a gentle smile to say, 'I wish this could have been different circumstances but I don't regret it, I do love you and I'd give my life to save you every time.'*

Dean - *ready to speak, hears the sound of the Empty showing up behind him (or notices Cas looking at the Empty whichever interpretation, I can see both), and turns to look*

Dean - *Realizing he's about to lose the love of his life, turns back to speak his truth again, but sees Billie break through.*

Dean - *Realizing he's truly out of time* "Cas.."

Cas - "Goodbye Dean"

Which would give us this order of Dean's face.

And you know what? That FEELS RIGHT.

It fits in my mind, it makes sense, emotionally.. unfortunately it also means bad things that this entire fandom has been screaming about for a week, but yeah. I needed to share.

Because this helped me.

This helped me understand why I feel ok with Destiel.

I feel GOOD about my ship, because I TOOK IT BACK.

I have no doubt that Destiel was meant to be canon here, TRULY canon. I think Jensen played it as Dean having his moment of realization, and it was taken from him. I think the verbalized moment was at the end, POSSIBLY without Misha around, which would make his statement saying "there was no conspiracy", accurate in his mind.

And no matter what happened after, no matter who says "rogue translator" or "unrequited" I will always believe they love eachother, and this was they're feelings were made known. And yes, I think Dean tackled Cas the first moment he could in heaven and finally told his angel that he loved him too.

#destiel #destiel is canon #always and forever #spn 15x18 #dean winchester #castiel #otp: i love you #this brought me peace #i hope it can bring you some as well if you're doubting destiel right now #but don't get me wrong #I'm still mad and ready to fight #go to super mega hell cw #destielgate

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thetrap · 4 years

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why i think deancas just might go canon

i’ve been wanting to write this for a bit, but i haven’t really had the time until now. basically this is just a super unorganized collection of thoughts i have on why i think that dean and castiel actually have a fairly decent shot of becoming canon (and by decent shot i mean like.....a solid 5% chance. and that’s being generous). this is based off of the show itself (obviously), quotes from andrew dabb, and other things.

1. andrew dabb is deancas positive

i made a post a while back that never made it out of the drafts, but it was basically a summation of all the good deancas shit dabb has given us as a writer. here are the bullet points:

- the hug/"i'm not leaving here without you!" moment in purgatory (8x02)

- "don't lose it over one man"

- "he's in love.....with humanity"

- cas/colette parallel ("dean. stop.") in 10x22

- just the fight scene from the prisoner in general like......wow

- sam/jess and dean/cas parallel in 12x23

- "we've lost everything......and now, you're gonna bring him back" + dean's just generally overwhelming grief in 13x01

- "and how is it that you lost dean? i thought the two of you were joined at the.....you know, everything"

and these are just the big moments.

also notable is the fact that an activist sent dabb (and some of the other producers of spn i think) a book about dean and cas and why the fans want it/why it would be a good thing for the show. a few years later, meghan fitzmartin (who wrote the most recent episode!) was hired as dabb’s assistant, went into his office and posted a tweet a with pictures of the book, saying something along the lines of “doing some reading for work!”

the fact that dabb actually kept a fanmade deancas book for years.....the fact that he’s consistently written episodes with really strong subtext for years.....the fact that the dean and castiel romantic tension has only picked up since he took over as showrunner (mixtape, lily sunder, cas’s death, dean’s grief arc, the entirety of season fifteen, etc.)......idk i just think it’s really interesting that there has been such a marked shift since he was put in charge.

2. the mixtape

i know this was a few seasons ago, but it’s still relevant because like. a mixtape is not platonic. this scene was not platonic. full-stop.

and it’s not even the act by itself; it’s also the dialogue!! “it was a gift. you keep those.” this is more than likely a direct callback to aragorn and arwen in lord of the rings (that’s the first thing i thought of, at least).

the fact that dabb let this slide, like......he knows what this looks like. berens and glynn, who wrote this episode, know what it looks like. they knew precisely how this would be perceived, and then wrote and aired the scene anyways.

and that’s not even getting into the camerawork. like what?? was this shot???

yeah so. definitely not platonic.

3. the trap

honestly i thought about just posting this part of this overlong essay thing, because to me, this is the episode where i went okay, so this might actually happen.

there are SO many things in this episode that made me go insane the first time i watched it (”i left, but you didn’t stop me”) but the thing that stuck out to me the most was dean’s reaction to castiel saying, “you don’t have to say it. i heard your prayer,” when dean tries to tell him something.

like?????? he does not look relieved!! nor does he look particularly happy!!

hell, if you go back and watch the video you can literally see him swallow his words down like....jensen ackles is the master of micro expressions and that shit is Not Accidental. this moment 100% gives the vibe that there is something that is not being said. the camera following dean as he gives cas a lingering look is really interesting too.

3. dabb’s comments about dean and cas in season 15

this part is actually sort of related to the point above, since a lot of dabb’s comments are in reference to “the trap.” here are some interesting ones that i want to point out:

But the Leviathan won’t be the focal point of the purgatory story. Rather, it’s about what Dean and Castiel are going through. “They’re not going to resolve the emotional stuff, but it allows them to redefine their friendship a little bit in light of what’s happened especially earlier this season,” Dabb says. (x)

the key thing here is that dabb said that, in 15x09, dean and cas are “not going to resolve the emotional stuff.”

now. i don’t know about you, but dean falling to his knees, praying to cas and weeping feels a lot like emotional resolution to me. like, sure, things will probably be awkward between them for a while, but surely this is the peak moment of their emotional vulnerability with each other, right? surely this is the moment where they’ve resolved the issue between them? like how the fuck does it get more intensely emotional than this??

yet dabb seems to be implying that it will, which leaves us with the million dollar question: what is left about dean and cas’ relationship to resolve?

keep in mind that as of 15x16, there hasn’t been much forward movement on that front; that is, we’ve had some cute moments between them, but in terms of serious conversation about their relationship, there’s been basically nothing. so we can assume that this development, whatever it is, will occur in 15x18, since dean and cas will be separated for most of 15x17, as cas will be off with sam.

aka the episode where cas will likely get yanked away by the empty. aka the episode with the teary (!!!) conversation we saw in the promo between dean and cas.

also notable from the above quote is dabb saying that dean and cas are redefining their friendship. like....redefining how? to what?? that wording is just really interesting to me.

another quote from dabb re “the trap”:

(x)

it forces them to “start that process.” indicating yet again that the prayer scene between dean and cas is not the moment where whatever is between them is resolved. yet, from where we are right now, dean and cas seem mostly fine. which means that whatever they have yet to work out doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with their fight.

lastly:

a really significant chunk of what happens to dean in 15x09 is him confronting his issues with cas. don’t get me wrong - there are other important things that happen in the episode - but the fact that an episode where so much time/emotional energy is given to dean and cas’ dynamic is considered a turning point for dean is very notable and, to me, speaks to the importance of their relationship for the rest of the season.

4. dean/cas and sam/eileen being set up as units

i’m of the opinion that sam and dean will (by choice) go their separate ways at the end of the show. i think this for a variety of reasons that i wrote about here, and to add onto this, i think that dean/cas and sam/eileen are, in a way, being set up as two units.

this theory comes from two points:

1. the fact that eileen got brought back at all

this isn’t to say that eileen isn’t an interesting character all on her own/outside of her romance with sam, but the fact that they brought her back and then proceeded to set her up in this romance feels really significant to me. what’s especially interesting is how, even after she leaves in 15x09, we get a continuation of their romance in 15x14. i don’t necessarily think that she’s sam’s endgame in the sense that the final episode will show sam going to her or whatever, but i do think that part of the reason she was brought back was so that sam would have someone who he loves/someone he could potentially build a life with after he and dean defeat chuck.

2. the way the two couples were portrayed in “the trap”

like....just watch the future scenes in the bunker. there’s very much a sense that these are two couples living together. and “ever since the mark made cas go crazy, ever since i had to bury him in a ma’lak box.” note the use of i, not we. and then dean/cas and sam/eileen are directly paralleled when dean tells sam he needs to give it up after eileen’s death, comparing it to how dean has given it up after having to bury cas in the ma’lak box.

5. dean does not do Well without cas

this is probably an understatement. there have been a couple of notable instances in this season where the viewer is given a glimpse of what happens to dean when cas dies/is in danger of death/is separated from dean (in case the whole ass widower arc in s13 wasn’t enough).

two of these are from “the trap”:

1. dean freaking out/crying/praying when he’s separated from cas in purgatory

2. dean giving up on life/hunting after burying cas in the ma’lak box in the future world

3. dean’s reaction to cas temporarily going to the empty in 15x13

the one i want to spend the most time on is number two, in large part because sam was witness to it and i think that this might get brought up in 15x17.

part of my spec for that episode is that cas will tell sam about his deal/sam will find out somehow, and in reaction sam might tell cas about how dean reacted to his death in s13 - a conversation that was notably absent from the show when cas finally returned in 13x05. i also think that he might mention no. 2 above, basically telling cas that if he dies, dean is done. that he won’t be able to handle it/move past it. the show has been telling us this over and over for a while now, and it’s only been emphasized more in season 15. i think that 15x17 is the episode where this will finally be verbally expressed.

to me, all of this emphasis on dean giving up when cas is gone isn’t for nothing. in my opinion, it’s being done very purposefully to set up an endgame where dean and cas are together in some sense of the word. and a lot of what i’ve said above is what makes me think it’ll be a Romantic together.

5. bobo berens’ three part deancas saga

so we all know that berens is pretty much spn’s foremost deancas warrior, and what i want to point out here is how this season has been utilizing him as a writer.

this season, berens has three solo episodes (he wrote “galaxy brain” with meredith glynn):

1. the rupture

2. the trap

3. despair (formerly known as “the truth”)

so far, these first two episodes have had major deancas moments. you could even label them as:

1. the rupture (the breakup)

2. the trap (the reconciliation)

3. depair (???)

keep in mind also that berens wrote 14x18, where the dean and cas sort of had a preliminary breakup. he’s been in charge of this arc for a while, and the fact that so much of his writing this season has been deancas focused.......i don’t know, i just think it’s significant in part because, while berens has always been deancas positive, he also writes plenty of episodes that aren’t focused on dean and cas. but now, in the final season, the dean and cas emotional arc has been handed to him, and it’s been the primary focus on his writing.

(sidenote: berens was promoted to executive producer for this final season)

to me, this is all leading to a big moment between dean and cas in 15x18 - and the fact that it was at one point called “the truth,” only to be switched back to despair - makes me think that there will be some sort of confession involved. my money is on cas being the one to say it (especially since this would line up with the leak), especially given the glimpse we saw of (what might be) this moment in the promo. which leads me to...

6. cas does not cry

i saved this for last because the promo where we see teary-eyed cas is actually what pulled me back into this shitshow.

cas does not cry. like. ever. he got a little teary in 15x15, when jack told him of his plan to sacrifice himself, but we have never - never - seen him shed actual tears. and in the promo, particularly that shot where cas says “you have fought for this whole world,” it 100% looks like cas is about to cry cry.

cas has seen his son die. he has seen dean die. he died himself, over and over and over. and we have never seen him cry.

yet for some reason, in this moment of vulnerability with dean, he’s crying. i find it highly unlikely that cas would cry because of his impending death, for a number of reasons (for one, he wouldn’t want to upset dean more than he has to). so, assuming he’s not crying because of his own death, then what is making cas so emotional that he is genuinely crying for the first time in the twelve seasons he has been on the show?

my guys.....i can only think of one thing.

#THIS IS SO FUCKING LONG OH MY GOD #i'm so sorry for this i just have SO many thoughts about this and had to get them all down #disclaimer: i still think it's highly unlikely we'll get confirmed romantic deancas #but i do think there's a chance #and this is why #deancas #destiel #s15 spoilers #spec

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