#joel c riley

[saintgoths]

☾༺♰༻☽ʜᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇꜱᴇ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴍᴇɴ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ꜰᴜᴄᴋ ʏᴏᴜ☾༺♰༻☽

mdni very 18+ - just nasty sex.

includes simon 'ghost' riley, joel miller, levi ackerman, carlos oliveira and will herondale.

feedback/comments would be appreciated :)

SIMON 'GHOST' RILEY

Like the man he is, he would fuck you in a position that asserts his dominance, a possessive grip that puts you in a firm stance telling you that you’re his and no one can fuck you the way he does, with his hand gripped tightly around your hair while he plows into you, forcing you to roll your eyes towards the back of your skull. “Take it,” he grunts and loud you shamefully moaned, “you pretty girl, all ruined and tight for me,” he moaned.

Proud he feels the way your body trembles under his touch, the width of his cock opening your pretty little cunt while the increased wetness inflates around his shaft. “Atta girl,” he groans as the tip of his cock licks against the skin of your cervix, pushing you into an intense high while your knees steeply dig into the sheets of the bed.

Your moans pathetic as you could feel your body weaken as another strong wave of orgasm pushes through you, your nectar spilling all over his bed and cock as you release a loud cry of pleasure as the thick and hot spews of his lewd semen coat your walls, your sensations ecstatic as he finally lets go of your figure and watches it shamelessly pummel against the bed.

“Y’did so well babydoll,” he muttered ere he dragged himself off the bed.

POSITION REFERENCE

JOEL MILLER

He’s so possessive with the way he fucks his girthy cock into you, beastly you feel the arch of his shaft pull forward inside your tight cunt, his loud, prideful of the erotic noises that purrs out of his mouth, while the tightness of your pussy clenches around him swallowing his large size as he loses himself inside of you.

His arms possessive around your body while the balls of his cock wetly slaps against your ass. “You’re such a good girl,” he drooled and in response you release a shameful whimper answering with degrading and shameful words declaring how you’re all his.

“Daddy, daddy!” You wept, over-stimulated by the brute forces of his large shaft beating and possessively marking the balmy and tepid of your cunt.

“There, there,” he whispered, “so good, such a good girl,” he moaned and the second he felt the thermal wetness of his load fill the tight size of your cunt the softness of his lips pressed against your neck leaving a sweet mark of his love.

POSITION REFERENCE

LEVI ACKERMAN

He loves the way his hand perfectly wraps around your breast as you hungrily bounce on his cock, your back pressed against his chest while the juices of your pussy squelches around his shaft, your cunt compact while the veins of his long manhood stroked the walls of your heat.

You bite your lip while the pad of his fingers twirl around your nipples, your breast plump and delicate, fondled by the adept hands of Levi Ackerman, who had been drunk with eroticism, his eyes dark with stimulation with the face of his cock that pummelled against the soft knob of your cunt, you throw your head back, your mouth drooling with piquancy as you had now been capable to speak.

“C-captain!” You moaned, your cries shameless while the arc of his cock hungrily blow and stroke the soft areas of your pussy, he had been focused, with his member that had softly shook in your tight space, one hand above your pearl that had gently whirled, possessive and hoggish with the way your body rolled against his.

“Just like that,” he whispered, “keep going!” He moaned and in obedience you continued to bounce up and down his length, your eyes wet with desirous tears as your body heaved forwards, numb and intoxicated by the member that had filled your heat paired with the sticky cum that had greedily clung onto your walls, feeling the depth of loneliness the second he pulled his cock out, but now his lip had been pressed against your jaw, tender and supple.

POSITION REFERENCE

CARLOS OLIVERIA

With his big and strong arms, he holds you up while fucking his wide cock up your cunt, his shaft easily slipping and sliding and the tip of his member greedily licking the soft lumps of your pussy while you tightly wrap your arms around his shoulders, securing yourself against him while his fingers grip into your skin, “That’s it princess,” he murmurs into your ear while frantically bucking his hips forward searching and sailing for his climax while your sweet cries fill the room.

Your lips tight and eyes white while the head of his shaft lick the coat of your cervix, eager to spill and fill its juices and give into the animalistic nature to breed. “So good for daddy,” he moaned and desperately you nodded your head, and in bold need for his authoritative approval you obeyed every demand that left his tongue, “Say it, say your my princess,” he commanded and frantic you felt your tongue slip out of your mouth as you hopelessly tried to gather the words he imposed from you.

“I’m—” you cried out and before you could finish your sentence a strong shriek was pulled out from your mouth as you could feel his shaft move deeper inside of you, sending you into a bold crying hysteria, how shameless you looked, disoriented and a mess due to his touch. “I’m your princess!” You chanted while you could feel your orgasm explode and spill against the cold floors of your room; and sapped you had fully leaned against Carlos, your arms still hung around him, wasted.

“You feel that?” Carlos hummed as he slowly pulsed in you and weakly you nodded as you had recognised the soft sensation of his fluid filling your wet cunt. “Good girl,” he then kissed your cheek before he rested you against the bed.

POSITION REFERENCE

WILL HERONDALE

He holds onto you so fucking tight, craving and selfish with the way his fingers dig into your skin, so snug, he thought, so supple your cunt had felt around him, how well you had taken his size and how you were just for him, only his, restricted to be shared, he had hated the idea of you being somebody else’s, glad, that the pliable and wetness of your vagina was his to claim and he swore that nothing would take you away from him.

“My love,” he moaned, his hand cupped beneath your knees as your body had bounced against his, your walls had clenched around him, taut and firm and so soothing and narcotic like he was some ill-man, and the feeling of your opiate cunt being the only thing that could cure him, he loved it, and could care less that he moved like a starved man.

Beastly while the nectar from the previous orgasms had melted and thawed with each other and the cloying cries of your over-stimulated moans had been a glacé music to him, he could feel another round of his orgasm build up and with the way you had whimpered to his touch, and with the way your body had twitched under his grope, another ecstatic rush wanted to overcome your petite figure.

“Fuck!” You loudly cried out feeling the face of his cock slickly brush and speck against your spot and once more, your eyes rolled backwards uncaring if anyone in the institute could hear your lewd cries, prideful that you had been ravished by Will Herondale, having his shaft stroke and tinge every good nerve in your pussy while he whispered sweet and amorous words in your ears, talking you into another amative and carnal climax.

POSITION REFERENCE

♆

[lunshimmer]

dear joel

summary: ellie writes joel a letter on the one year anniversary of his passing

❀ fandom: the last of us

warnings: major character death

❀ a/n: hi!! i cried multiple times writing this and then cried again upon remembering that we won't get any more tlou until 2027 :( i also formatted this one a lil weird bc the letter is right aligned on my ao3.

❀ word count: 1,419

❀ divider by @firefly-graphics ❀

Meaningless guitar strums fill the air as Ellie fiddles with the strings. It's what Joel used to do-- sit for hours and play different strings with different chords and try to make something of it. She figured it calmed him down, grounded him in a world so unpredictable. Ellie finds that it does the same for her.

Her hands follow a familiar rhythm, finding known chords, though she can't quite place it yet.

She presses e, then f, then e again. E again, then d, then c, then g.

Ellie remembers.

A pang of sadness, maybe regret hits her square in the chest. She sighs, then plays the full melody.

"If I ever were to lose you, I'd surely lose myself."

Ellie chooses to stop after a single verse. It's too much. She stares at her pencil and notebook on her desk.

Gail told her about this thing, back in Jackson when Dina had JJ. She had written letters to Eugene after he passed to help herself cope with his passing. Ellie thought it was bullshit right off the bat. She was never one for public sentiment-- sure, she'd had thoughts about Joel come up in her mind often. She never would've expressed it on paper.

As she looks at the paper again, she reconsiders. Maybe it'll help. Maybe she should try.

Ellie carefully sets the guitar back in its case and picks up the pencil.

Dear Joel,

I'm not sure why I'm doing this. It's fucking stupid.

Gail said it might help. With the feelings and grieving and all that dumb shit. I don't think I trust her on this. Therapists are a scam.

Ellie stops for a second. She takes a deep breath. If this was going to help, she needed to believe in it and take it seriously. She continues again.

It's been hard for me this month. It's the anniversary. One year since it happened.

A lot of shit went down, and I found Abby. I didn't kill her.

She sees the picture in her mind; Jesse with a bullet in his head lying on the floor, and Dina pregnant and beat within an inch of her life. Ellie didn't want to focus on the negatives. She redirects, and thinks about Dina.

Dina had a baby. I hope Jesse knows, wherever he is, that he has a son. I think he does.

Ellie hopes Joel is still out there somewhere too.

I don't know where you are right now. Well, I know where you physically are. I don't know if you're still out there somewhere. Spiritually.

I don't know where I stand on the whole religion bullshit. I know you grew up Catholic. Tommy told me. When I asked him if he still believed in it he said that he didn't know. I hope it's real. I really want it to be real. I want to believe that you're not dead. Not entirely.

I went to church with Maria. She said it helps her to believe that her husband and kid are in a better place now after they're dead. When I asked her "how the fuck does that make sense?" she rolled her eyes and made a noise with her mouth and said "it just does.". I'm choosing to believe it too.

Ellie decides that Joel is still out there. Alive, not physically but spiritually. A ghost, maybe? Weren't ghosts supposed to be scary? She thinks Joel would suck at being a scary ghost. Haunting halls and possessing people and all the ghosty bullshit wasn't quite his style. She hopes he isn't stuck haunting a house or something. She twiddles the pencil in her shaking hands and presses it to the paper once more.

I hope you're with Sarah. I hope you told her about me. I wish I knew her.

I hope you're with Tess. I didn't know her as long as you did but I miss her.

I hope Jesse's there too. I miss him. I know Dina does too.

I hope you met Riley. She's the best. She was the best.

She thinks about Sarah, the faceless curly-headed free-spirited girl she never got to meet. She thinks about Tess when she pulls her hair half up to get it out of her face. She thinks about Jesse every time JJ smiles.

Ellie doesn't think about Riley all that much anymore. Memories of Riley creep in occasionally whenever she sees a firefly (the bug) or when she re-reads Savage Starlight.

I hope you got your sheep ranch on the moon and all the guitars and coffee you could ever dream of. I wish I was there.

Ellie smiles thinking about the shitty coffee that Joel loved so much. She backtracks on that last thought, clarifying:

Not that I wish I was dead or anything. I wish I was with you. You always said that wherever you went, I did too. I wish it was the same for this.

It was always Joel and Ellie. Not just Ellie. Not just Joel. They were a pair. A package deal. She misses that feeling.

Ellie thinks about the last conversation she had with Joel, the night of the dance.

I regret the way I left things with you. I was upset and I shouldn't have handled things the way I did. I shouldn't have blown up at you for defending me when Seth said that bullshit the night of the dance. I'm filled with all this regret and sadness and grief. I don't sleep a lot most nights. Every time I close my eyes I see your face.

She finds it hard to imagine Joel any other way than lifeless on the floor, eyes still open, unfocused. Staring at nothing. When she draws him, she doesn't find the will to draw his eyes. She can't.

She's pulled out of her thoughts by Dina's voice. She's singing softly, and Ellie can only imagine it's to JJ. Joel would've loved JJ.

She sighs, again pulling herself away from what happened between her and Joel. Ellie tells herself that she needs to stop dwelling on it, because it's in the past. Unless she were to find a way to time travel (which would be sick, by the way), she can't do anything about it.

She tells herself she needs to grow from this. Move on-- not completely, but a little bit. She has things in her life that mean the world to her.

Ellie loves Dina. She loves JJ. She loves expressing herself through art and telling bad jokes that Dina hates (or secretly loves, but won't admit), and she loves each and every stinky sheep they've got in the barn.

No more sad shit. I need to write about something else. Here's a drawing of JJ. He's easy to draw.

She doodles the baby's round, chubby cheeks and cherub nose. She draws his tiny lips and eyes and eyebrows and tops it off by giving him some hair on his head. She's a little generous on the amount of hair she draws JJ with. Doing you a favor, kid, she thinks.

I started painting. Dina likes it. She hung some of my stuff up on the walls in our house. Makes it feel like an art gallery.

She taps her pencil against the wood of the desk, searching her mind for topics and then remembers--

We have sheep! Lots of 'em. Some of their names are very punny. You'd like them. Ewe-gene is my favorite. Don't tell Daisy or Snowy.

She takes a second and quietly laughs about the names to herself. She's pulled out of her thoughts again when she hears Dina's voice call El, time for dinner!, and she replies with just a sec, babe!, and she realizes something--

Ellie realizes that she's fortunate. Yeah, shitty things have happened. They have. Who in this fucked up world that they live in hasn't had something bad happen to them? You could probably count them on one hand. Lucky bastards.

She wasn't sure if she believed in God or not, but if she did, Ellie would consider herself blessed.

Dina's calling me down for dinner, so I'm gonna wrap this up. I think this helped me.

Long story short: I hope you're happy. I hope you have everything your heart desires, wherever you are. I hope you check in on me sometimes. I know you do.

I miss you. I'll miss you 'till the cows come home.

Joel loved that phrase.

I love you too.

Love, Ellie

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

I have covid (for the first time ever wtf) and I’m feeling sick and pathetic. Just thinkin’ bout how I have to take care of myself and I hate it. How do you think sugar daddy Joel would take care of our sugar baby reader without spending any money if she got Covid or the flu??

I need some fluff to get me thru. PS I love u and your writing so flipping much.

Sugar Daddy!Joel Miller x F!Reader

Word Count: 1.1k

Warnings: mentions of illness, reader can eat chicken noodle soup, reader has hair that can be brushed away from her face

Timeline: this does not fit into the current TCOY story line and is just a separate drabble in the same universe!

[a/n: first of all, OH NO. I know how bad COVID sucks. (fun fact I've had it on five separate occasions, I basically collect a new round of it every time a new strain runs through our hospital). Please please please make sure you stay hydrated above all else! Obviously I don't know your medical history, but the best general advice is to not get dehydrated. Your body needs fluids to fight the good battle. second, I love YOU and I know this isn't much and it's not that great b/c I threw it together in fifteen minutes but I hope it makes you feel a little better, my love💜]

TCOY DRABBLE:

HOMEMADE IS BETTER THAN STORE BOUGHT

"happiness is homemade."

“Baby girl, I need you to sit up for me.” Joel hummed.

You were buried in the thick comforter of his bed feeling absolutely miserable. The cold had come on suddenly. A small cough, more irritating than anything else, spiraled into full body aches, a splitting migraine, and congestion so bad that it felt like your head was filled with concrete. Joel’s heavy hand brushed aside the hair matted to your forehead with dried sweat. Your fever was lingering last Joel checked, but the Nyquil he forced you to take with a bottle of water earlier was helping some.

Joel murmured your name once more and you just moaned in response. You felt the bed dip with his weight and his hand dragged up and down your back. The motion brought with it a comfort on par with medication itself. 

“You think you can eat somethin', sugar?” Joel asked.

“Maybe later.” You mumbled. “Sleepy.”

“That’s probably the Nyquil.” Joel replied. “I sent Riley to pick up some stuff from the store.”

You felt Joel lean over and his lips brushed against your temple. You shook your head, “You’re gonna get sick. I should quarantine alone.” You buried yourself deeper into his bed. With your nose stuffed like it was, you couldn’t smell his sheets and that bothered you more than it probably should’ve. “Don’t you have that meeting today too?”

“If you think I’m leavin' you like this, sugar, then that fever’s got you delusional.” Joel snorted. You felt the covers you had bundled yourself in begin to untangle and a whine that could only be described as pathetic slipped your lips. Before you knew it though, Joel was under the thick comforter with you and you felt yourself get pulled into his warm chest. “C’mon, baby girl. Sleep it off.”

You snuggled closer into his grip and focused on the random patterns he was rubbing on your shoulder with his hand. As a human, this was obviously not the first time you had gotten sick, but something about this time felt different. With Joel’s thick arms wrapped around you it dawned on you that it was him. The last time you were sick you were forced to take care of yourself and work through it. Having your sugar daddy around made you needy as all hell it seemed, but the comfort Joel immediately showed you had you melting against his chest.

“When I wake up, can I have soup?” You blurted the words out, half asleep.

Before sleep took you completely, you heard Joel’s deep chuckle, felt it rumble against you, “Sugar, you can have anythin' you want.”

When you woke up, you did feel marginally better. Joel was no longer in bed with you and you slowly sat up to rub at your face. You craved a hot shower to wash off the sweat and open your sinuses a bit more. A groan left your lips, still feeling crummy, and you began to climb out of bed.

“Whoa, whoa, pump the brakes.” Joel called out. He came into the room holding a tray and you chuckled at the sight of him. He set the tray down on the nightstand to usher you back into bed. “Where do you think you’re goin'?”

You gave him a tired smile, “Shower. I feel icky.”

“Icky?” Joel asked and you nodded. He chuckled and leaned forward to press his lips on your forehead again. He sat back and rubbed a hand against your leg. “Think you can stomach somethin' first?” You nodded again and Joel grabbed the tray. It looked like a bowl of chicken noodle soup, but not the kind that came out of a can of Campbell’s. “Here we go.”

You tilted your head, “Where’d you buy the soup?”

“Didn’t.” Joel grinned. “Made it.”

“You made it??”

“Uh huh.” It was honestly adorable how proud he looked of it. “Homemade is better than store bought, right? Gets you better quicker.”

You laughed, “I’m not so sure about the science behind that.”

“No, no. When I googled the recipe it definitely said this would get you better faster.” Joel teased.

You picked up the spoon and carefully blew the heat away before bringing it to your lips. The first thing you tasted was salt. A lot of salt. Too much salt. You coughed in response and tried not to twist your face to reveal the reaction. You cleared your throat and smiled, “Yum.”

Joel furrowed his brow, “What’s wrong? No good?”

“No. It’s⏤ It’s good.” You said quickly. “It’s… I like the, uh, the…” 

Joel grabbed the spoon from your fingers to take a sip himself and he immediately spluttered with a cough and groan, “What the fuck is that?” Your lips twitched up into another smile. “That tastes awful. Jesus Christ. Gimme that.”

He took the tray from you and set it on the nightstand again away from you. You set a hand on the side of your face while watching his face crumple into a grumpy look of annoyance. You shook your head, “What did it taste like as you were making it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know. While you were making it did it taste okay?” You clarified. Joel narrowed his eyes at you in thought and you tilted your head. “…Did you taste it while making it?”

“You’re supposed to eat it while you make it??”

You laughed, “Not eat. Just taste.”

“Shit.” Joel scoffed. “I ate some of the chicken and it was good.” You reached out and cupped his face. He looked annoyed with himself, but at your touch the grumpy demeanor morphed into a soft look of concern and disappointment. Joel sighed and turned his head to press a kiss to your palm before leaning into your touch again. “I’m so sorry, sugar. Just wanted to do somethin' nice for you myself rather than just buy…”

You shook your head, “This was nice. I loved it.”

“There is no way you loved that soup. It was just salt, damn it.”

“No, but I love that you tried.” You replied. “It’s the effort that counts.”

“That’s just what people say when they fuck up.” He grumbled.

You leaned forward and kissed the tip of his nose, “You said the homemade version would make me feel better, and this has definitely made me feel better, daddy.”

Joel wrapped his hand around the back of your neck and stared softly for a moment before his smile returned. “You missed my lips, sugar.”

“I already told you. I’m icky.”

“Don’t care. Still want you.”

“You are already pushing your luck.” You scoffed in amusement. “You are gonna end up sick.”

Joel pulled you closer, and even at full strength you’d never be capable of refusing this man. He paused with his lips just barely touching yours. “I’ll risk it.” Joel’s lips sealed against yours tenderly. A soft kiss of comfort rather than of passion. A wordless act of reassurance that he was there. Joel’s tongue just barely brushed against yours before he leaned back and left you wanting more. He hummed, “You taste like salt.”

“Yeah, gee, I wonder whose fault that is.”

[acidblum]

Torn Apart • A.A.

Cop!Abby Anderson x Reader, slight Ellie Williams x Reader (AU)

MASTERLIST DO NOT BUY TLOU

SERIES MASTERLIST / II PART..

W/C: 3.25k (for warnings check the series masterlist)

A/N: omg heyy!! so excited for yall to read this, it's been in my drafts for nearly a month aaand i'm finally serving as i should hehe, any commentary pls don't hold it back i wanna know what yall think, likes and reblogs r very appreciated, enjoy my luvs <3

you wake up to the sound of Riley's heavy breathing beside your ear, you groan at her in your sleepy voice "fucking hell Ri what in the hell are u doing"

she chuckles at your annoyance " you've got to wake ur ass up cherry aaand get yourself ready to go" patting you on the butt u swat at her hand, flipping yourself on your back.

"what time is it" she checks her phone "eh its 10 it'll be better if we could get to the cabin quick". you hum at her, your body feeling absolutely wrecked, you glance at her opening one eye only.

"when is Ellie coming?" god knows you can't be late when Ellie pulls up in her white trashed minivan, she'll pester you endlessly just to get a rise out of you. 

"eh you know she had to go to the gas station to fill her lady up".

you drag yourself out of the bed and into the conjoined bathroom hopping over a few clothes scattered her and there on the floor with the intention of brushing your teeth and getting ready, you look at your reflection getting jump scared "fuck i really look like shit" you hear a chuckle through the left ajar bathroom door. 

"yeah well that's what you get when you fall asleep really late talking to a hot sidechick even though you know we'll have to hit the road early" 

"ugh spare me your yapping pleaseee and besides i think i like this one" 

you're going to stay at Joel's new built modern summer cabin for a week, he says it's homey and it’s nice and all but there's a fifty percent possibility of not getting a good stable network there it actually scares you shitless.

you come out of the bathroom and put on some denim shorts and look for a summer appropriate top to wear "if you don't stop throwing everything on the floor!" you ignore her and continue going ballistic on the wardrobe, you huff " there is literally nothing to wear" she looks at you in utter disbelief " are you kidding me right now?". you get saved from her usual wrath when you hear the doorbell ring once which is definitely not Ellie otherwise the doorbell will be burnt already.

"I'll get it" riley says before walking out to the door in quick strides, you hear Dina and Riley's yelling at each other so you put on the top u picked hurriedly and go to the living room " oh my god i missed you guys" before glancing at you behind Riley's back and jumping at you giving you the tightest hug she could.

 muffled by her hug " ungh de i can't breath" she lessens and holds your shoulder like a teacher giving you an advice "we're gonna have so much fun if you AAAND Ellie get along, pleaseee?? do it for me if not out of respect" she looks at you pleadingly.

"ugh she isn't even here yet" you roll your eyes looking at anything but Dina's puppy eyes, glancing at riley who is now sipping on a cup of strawberry juice on the counter and she wiggles her eyebrows at you in an encouraging manner "you two should fuck already you know that right?" your eyes widen and you blow raspberries at her.

"oh no way in hell am i gonna sleep with that dirtbag who refers to a minivan as the lady" you shake your head at them in absolute disbelief. "but I'll try to be civil even if she's a bitch" Dina sits on the couch looking at you.

" I see the way she looks at you ALL THE TIME, she's onto you cherry" giving you an honest smile.

you hear the infamous minivan horn going off outside opening the curtain to cheek and you see her, a cigarette dangling from her pink lips, wearing her usual boring attire and them sunglasses. and Jesse's there with her, you mutter under your breath "here comes hell" riley comes to open the door having your bags ready from the day before "will you please just be nice to her?" you scrunch your nose at her before running to the room to bring your handbag and crouch down to put on your shoes.

Jesse greets you with a hug and tries to pick all of your bags at once grunting.

she doesn't get out of the van, just looking at you through her sunglasses with an amused look before she yells "aren't u a sight to see cherry pie" you ignore her and walk to put the smaller bag in the van before Dina comes and hands Riley the house keys.

loading up in the van sitting between riley and Dina, Ellie takes off her sunglasses looking at you through the mirror while you hold eye contact with her "eyes on the road pothead" everyone turns to u, you just couldn't hold it in at all, she smirks at you "wouldn't you love that huh?" before Jesse turns on the radio connecting his phone to the aux, riley chimes in "give it to me Jesse jess make me hear your sweet melodies" he smiles turning to her "just for u we've got the best of tunes Riri" I Got You Babe by Etta James starts playing and Jesse turns the speaker up.

the windows roll down, the smell of greenery and earth hitting your nose, wind smacking you square in the face and i got you babe by Etta James starts playing, Dina looks at you and everyone starts yelling from the top of their lungs.

People say that we don't know

What love is, or how to make it grow

Well, I don't know if all that's true

'Cause you've got me and baby, I've got you

Oh, babe, I got you, babe, I got you, babe

Ellie starts doing the saxophone bit whilst trying to drive properly, you hit her shoulder to get her to pay attention while everyone's jamming, she holds your hand into hers and bites your finger chuckling. you yank your hand mouthing at her "motherfucker" before you go back yelling with everybody again.

I've got flowers in the spring, yeah

I've got you, I've got you to wear my ring

And when I'm sad, you're a clown

And when I get scared, you're always around, oh

multiple songs in and you're getting pretty drowsy, laying your head onto Dina's shoulder ready to make up for Riley waking you up from your sweet slumber, Dina lays her head on top of yours and you doze off for the rest of the way to Houston. you get shaken up by riley again feeling like a grump but shaking it off when you hear Jesse talking about a cop signalling for Ellie to pull over, you straighten up watching the 5'8 cop get out of the police car, coming up to Ellies side taking off her sunglasses before putting her hand on her waist.

"Can I see your ID? and where are y'all heading to?" Ellie hands the cop her ID and glances at Jesse for a moment before trying to hide her annoyance while you try to fix yourself rolling the window on Dina's side down looking at the cop from under your lashes.

"we're go-" cutting ellie off, giving the cop the most genuine please fuck me eyes "we're actually heading to the millers new cabin" the cop's eyes widen before she gives you the most charming smirk. you lower your eyes trying to be subtle but not very subtly checking her out reading her badge "A. Anderson'' looking at her fitted figure wearing some tight blue jeans, a button up shirt topped with a cream jacket with her badge hanging off of her waist, and them cowboy boots imagining how you'd like to give it to her good.

Dina struggles while half of your body is out of the window over hers "cherry i cant brea-" you look at her shushing her before directing you eyes to the officer's eyes before she continues " oh that new cabin, i thought you're a bunch of kids trying to investigate the place" you look at the officer in a dreamy way " oh no not at all but quick question officer Anderson?" she looks at you with curiosity. 

"Yes ma'am?" in all seriousness you ask "just call be cherry please and are you by any chance married?" everybody whips their head at you in disbelief over your boldness even if you've always been like that, the officer chuckles at you before shaking her head no at you and handing Ellies ID "why are you offering miss cherry?" Ellie whips her head to the officer, the look of absolute hatred on her face "can we go no-" cutting her off AGAIN smiling at the officer "maybe i am doing just that officer".

she pulls a card out of her back pocket and hands it to you. "call me Abby and hit me up whenever you need something, my father's cabin is right beside yours and stay out of trouble it's dangerous out here" you take the card out of her extended hand and nod your head so fast at her you might get a concussion " oh i bet it is officer Abby thank you for being so thoughtful" Abby taps the car twice for Ellie to start her up and drives away mimicking you sucking up to the officer.

Five minutes later, the van stops in front of the two story cabin, quite cozy with big windows, the air smelling very earthy prompting you to take a deep breath.

Everyone gets out of the van including Ellie, they start taking the bags out to head in. she looks at you with a condescending look, almost disappointed.

"what?" you roll your eyes at her, folding your arms and giving her a mean look, "you just had to do that huh cherry" she is absolutely fuming that her face had gone red with the way she’s holding it in. 

acting clueless you smile tilting your head to the left at her with a laugh bubbling in your guts. "do what exactly, have fun for a fucking minute?" you smirk at her. she squares up in your space looking you down. before Jesse comes and hands her one of the heavy bags "Ellie would you hold this for me" handing it to her "stop and go unlock the cabin for us jezz".

she never breaks eye contact with you "yeah man i got it" giving you a warning look that tells you she'll be dealing with you later.

you scoff quietly and help them by carrying a bag while Ellie unlocks the door, Dina tutting at you disappointingly. you shrug at her balancing the bag and walking up the stairs and into the cabin with everyone following behind you. you hear Riley go off.

 "oh my god this place is amazing"

"tell me about it, i didn't even believe him when he told me he'll give me the key to stay here for the summer" Ellie goes on while walking to the fridge and reading the yellow sticky note Joel probably put for her to see picking it and reading it "ugh he had to write down some rules".

"yeah well you can't really blame him"

says Dina coming in carrying the beer cooler and putting it on the counter. before opening the fridge and crouching down loading the beer inside the coldest part of the fridge

with all your belongings inside, riley huffs and lies down on the sofa facing the counter and you follow her grunting from sitting in the bus for nearly 3 hours.

"this old man really thinks we'll go to bed at 'a sensible hour' ugh what a boomer"

you chime in muffled by your head on the small pillow beside riley " well Ellie i won't lie to you, your dad is at beekeeping age. i’ll let him father me however he likes" prompting Ellie to make a gagging noise at your comment. and Riley to chuckle beside you.

"if only Sarah was here man you'd know how to shut the fuck up for a minute, i swear you just have to do this and ruin everything"

"the fuck you mean 'i ruin everything' you fuck face" you grunt at her picking yourself up off of the couch and walk to the fridge, opening it to get yourself a bottle of water. "and Sarah is a beautiful grown woman, you ellie miller is a booger eater" opening the bottle chucking it with absolute thirst with Ellie looking at you with utter shock.

Jesse starts full on laughing hands on his knees at what you said, making Ellie look at him as if he betrayed her for life "what the actual fuck Jesse, you could back me up at least!"

"well Ellie you did eat them boogers back in the day"

Dina stand up and put her hands on her hips "alright guys we need to assign our rooms"

" i want the one facing the lake" you go off cutting everyone, sticking your tongue to Ellie who looks absolutely pressed by you. "aaaanndd riley will sleep with me, won't you baby" looking at her with pleading eyes "i love you but absolutely NOT i need my space please cherry" patting your head with her palm in an apologizing manner.

After the rooms get assigned, everybody starts heading up to change per Dina's requests to head to the lake, you open the bedroom's door, fling your handbag on top of the bed and shimmy out of your shorts and top. opening your bag and choosing a favorite two piece of yours, wrapping a light shawl around your hips and putting on some basic flip flops. you pick the card abby gave you deciding on calling her while sitting with Dina outside. 

jumping on your tiptoes down the stairs, seeing Jesse crouched in front of the fridge holding four beers for each of you and standing up with Ellie beside him before he hands her one.

 he notices you holding the card in one hand and your phone on the other "So you're calling her huh?" he says, smirking at you. Ellie mumbles under her breath something but you don't catch what she's saying. "yeah i mean she was totally into me and i want to have some fun while we’re here you know" you say winking at him before walking out the backyard and into where the lake is, seeing Riley and Dina sitting on the chairs around the firepit.

Dina looks at your hands while you dial the number

 "oh my god you are not doing this!" "whaattt yes i am doing it! i need some excitement, i can't just sit here with ellie breathing down my neck"

Riley scoffs "of course you're doing this, i won't even try to stop you, just put it on speaker"

you hit dial and put it on speaker, it rings three times before she picks up "officer Anderson" stoic and straight to the point it makes your core tingle.

you glance at Dina for a moment and she nods at you in a hysteric yet encouraging manner, you reply in a sultry voice " hey officer Anderson, ya missed me?" Abby full on cackles " it's Abby for you honey and yeah i might've thought about you a bit" "gosh i hope so because I've been thinking about you in them boots nonstop"

you start biting your lips remembering how she looked "when can i see you?" "So eager for me?" she asks in a condescending tone, "very very eager for you officer Anderson" she chuckles "oh, fuck you calling me officer like it doesn't turn you on just to say it"

you smile before hearing someone talk to her on the other side "o-oh sorry cherry i have to go you know duty calls, I'll see you later alright" "bye" and the line goes off. "wow that was something, so what will you be married to her in two months time?"

 riley asks you with a raised eyebrow only making you actually imagine marrying to Abby and building a family with her, daydreaming for a bit before shaking yourself awake 

"pfft no I'm not, I'm going for a dip". right before you stand up Jesse comes out of the sliding door with a weird look on his face, looking at you in particular.

“Sooo, ells invited cat” 

Ellie comes in from behind him with cat trailing behind her like a lost puppy with a stupid smile blasted on her face, she looks at you with a red lipstick print on her cheek, guilt can be seen behind her green eyes. Yours prickling with unshed tears you bite your lips before going ahead and jumping into the weirdly cold lake, coming up for a much needed breath of air you see a figure on the other side of the lake which you can’t pinpoint of it’s even real before you hear your name being called by ellie.

“Cherry”

“I genuinely think we shouldn’t talk right now, wouldn't want your girlfriend to get jealous”

She feels in a predicament looking at you in disbelief “she isnt my girlfriend”

“Well it definitely felt like it ellie” looking at her hunched form, playing with her nails, looking very nervous and on edge, She looked good. Such a shame she had to ruin what y'all once could've had. You keep yourself afloat and play with the water to fill the silence and maybe she’ll give up and leave but no, it's not an ellie thing to give up even though she kinda did give up on the both of you once.

“I had to cherry i swear, it wasn't my intention she just kept pressing and i blurted it out and she must've asked tess for the location or smthn’ “

You help yourself out of the lake before wrapping the shawl back on your wet form, looking at ellie over your shoulder, before walking away. hearing her whisper.

“I’m sorry”

TAGLIST 🗞️: @liasxeatt

© 2024 Joliettes, All Rights Reserved

[tookthe-405]

On our way

Flashback 1: We were younger…

(I wanted some more backstory I’m sorryyy)

DAILY CLICK 🇵🇸

DONATIONS 🍉

(Not so loserish)ellie x fem!reader

a/n: some fluffy flashback from when they were 14 to give some happiness :)

Max and Chloe coded!! (Just realised that wtf)

put my whole childhood homoromantic friendship into this 😪

RILEY MENTIONED!?? they did you dirty my love

c/w: compulsive heterosexuality?!(not much though), a chicken heart?😭, a bit of fighting (ofc!), jealousyyyy, panic attack (yes again)

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(Reader and Ellie are 14)

(4 years ago)

Readers pov:

9/14

Whatever negative, people say about eighth grade, it's true. Eighth grade sucks. Seventh grade is manageable. Sixth grade? fine but Eighth grade was a new level you didn't know you had to go through. Few weeks in and its already a nightmare for you and all your friends. Thank god you found some.

When you got into middle school a few years ago, you and ellie managed to persuade joel to send ellie to the same school as you. Which wasn't a hard decision for him, because in a small town in Boston, he didn't have that many options.

But you didn't get into the same class, which was quite scary for you at first. Ellie, on the other hand, is good at talking to people, sometimes a bit too well, and then she says things that she should probably have kept to herself.

However, you had problems at the beginning of the 5th grade. The fear of being rejected by people you studied with for a years had haunted you.

Some of the classes were mixed together and you still remember how quickly you scanned the room, so you could find ellie to sit next to her, and unsurprised there were a few people around her laughing. You stood next the crowd, too shy to get Ellie's attention. She didn't notice you at all at first, but talked and laughed with the classmates around her.

That was the first time you felt afraid of losing her to people who are more In so many patterns. For a few seconds, you just stood there and watched her. Her easy-going but also attentive nature, which attracted people like the light a moth.

It was like magic.

She played with the feelings and laughter like water. Light in her hands, without meaning and purely out of feelings, but so careful. This was her stage, she was in her element, and you would always just sit in the audience, with an astonished and envious gaze.

But then she saw you and brought a gap through the crowd to show you that she had secured a free seat for you, with her backpack.

But today it is no longer the case. Eighth grade is a lot of shit, but you've finally made friends in the meantime. For a matter of fact, you're talking to one right now, but you're too engulfed in your thoughts.

"Hellooo you still there?"

Your body stiffens and you quickly turn away from the window, into the direction of Isabella .

"What?" you completely forgot that you are currently in biology and In the company of a friend… and that you still needed to finish a partner project.

Isabella giggles softly.

“You’re always doing that, what is your head thinking about?”

she playfully taps your forehead with her index finger. You grin slightly and wipe her finger out off your face.

“Nothing I’m okay”

“I Hope so because we Are supposed to dissect a chicken heart and not stare out the window”

A glance at the table and there is the chicken heart she’s talking about.

“Yeah no thank you” you say with a grimace that makes her laugh.

“It’s okay we can google the tasks at home, this is torture.” She sighs, puts the lid over the heart and takes of her gloves, you do the same nodding.

“So” she turns to you again with that curious grin of hers.

“What have you been daydreaming about the past few days?”

You let out a nervous laugh and wave your hand in the air.

"nothing what am I supposed to dream about, so…"

She raises her eyebrows reproachfully, she knows how you lie.

"You don't have to tell me, but is it a certain someone who starts with E?"

Your blood freezes with shock, but also respectful fear, of her alleged knowledge.

"what i don't know who you mean" Sweat forms on your palms and you quickly rub them together so that they don't Stupidly betraye you.

"I guess I hit the bull's eye, I knew you liked him?" Your forehead frown on its own and your stress sweat turn into anxiety sweat.

"Him?"

Isabella nods. "Eliza, you like him… Right"

The first two letter almost give you a heart attack but then you just frown at her.

she seems confused by your confusion, you turn around slow, as you are sitting in the first row, to stare at the boy in the last corner.

He just laughed and pressed the chicken heart into his sitting partner's face.

Ew.

Isabella doesn't seem to notice how disgusted you are, because she gives you a promising and excited look. Something pushes you to lie, you couldn't control it even if you tried.

"Yes, that's it" a sad smile on your face as you say the words.

Before she can react, the door is opened in a loud swing and ellie is standing in the doorway, grinning, behind her a few boys and girls.

"Hey" she gives you a warm smile that you knwo all to well, her arms resting on the table.

Then she looks up at Isabella emotionlessly.

"Isabella"

"Ellie" she replies dryly.

Yes, the two don't like each other very much. Then ellie's smile turned, quickly, sending it back to you.

"Aren’t you done yet?"

"No, young lady, they are not, and you knock before you come in" Ms. Perlow's voice booms through the room.

Any normal student would be scared, which justifies this woman is scary, but ellie isn’t sacred at all.

Grinning, she raises her arms in the air, as if she’s been caught stealing. A few children giggle at her gesture, but the older woman doesn't think it's so funny.

"Ellie, it's the same every time, you make a clown out of yourself for God's sake, leave this task to the boys"

Mrs. Perlow looks away for a moment to massage her temples with her thumbs and pointing fingers, which you felt a bit sorry for, she was soo old. Ellie of course doesn’t care.

She quickly rummages for something in her jacket pocket and nimbly presses a small piece of paper into your hand.

"Okay, till next time, Mrs. Perlow," she calls into the room before disappearing out the door.

"I hope not," the teacher murmurs audibly, however, and whispers break out again, in the classroom.

Your fingers try quickly and unevenly to open the note.

Meet me at the new dinner down the street, I’ve got news and please don’t bring Isabella along

- your favourite person ever

P.S your hair looks pretty :)

With each step, you tousle the autumn leaves on the ground. It was kind of fun though, so you didn't stop, the scurrying sound of the dead plants in your ear.

Ellie mentioned a new dinner, which you have already drove by once with joel. After a few weeks ago, you passed by the former tourist center, which was soon to be renovated into a dinner.

Ellie thought it was better right away, because there is no one who wants to look around here in a small town Beverly farms. The eastern side of Beverly wasn't really interesting, she was right, but you always thought the little town was cute.

Here is everything you need and you have the sea right in front of your nose.

As you walk down the street with your backpack on your back, you think about what Ellie must have meant by "ive got news".

Before you know it, you'll be standing in front of the new store. "Seth's dinner". It actually looks very cozy, the light inside seems warm and a few people have already become aware of the place.

It seems to you just in autumn, very hopeful? A new beginning that is going well, a small but beautiful change in this small town. When you open the door, the door snorts cold from the air, the pleasant air surrounds your face.

There also seems to be a bar, graceful bottles on the wall and behind the counter. But otherwise it seems to be a normal dinner. Greasy smell of fries, burgers and beacons in the air, but on the order table it is written (in beautiful handwriting) that there should also be donuts and pancakes in the morning. In the evening, the bar opens.

At the counter, an older man is eyeing you, who is drying a glass. You've never seen him before, and he looks spooky right away.

Your head turns in every direction until you see the waving hand of Ellie, who had held a seat across from her in a corner of the table. It looks a bit like the dinners in Joel's old movies.

With a loud noise, you drop your bag and sit down opposite her. You let out a tired sigh, but then you notice Ellie's excited look. You shrug your shoulders uninformed.

"What?"

"Wait, I want to order before I tell you"

Her legs were constantly wriggling with hustle and bustle and you can't help but smile a little. The waiter came to your table and you two ordered 2 fries.

"Okay, tell me now" you say

Something good releases in your chest, you suppress the distracting feeling before it could reach the surface. The sparkle on ellie's face made you nervous in various ways.

"Okay, but promise me you won't be angry, ok?"

Okay, so the bad nervous feelings won. You strain straighter, ready for whatever might come your way.

"How old are we ellie, you don't always have to say that, when you've done something"

Ellie laughs so bright, that sound that you appreciate so much every time, as if it gives you water just before you dry out.

"remember how We wanted to go fishing with Joel this weekend"

You shake your head.

"You wanted this, not me ellie"

"yes, anyway, and you know Riley, don't you? From my English course"

Your shoulders slumped, just as you were about to answer, your order arrived. The old man from the counter. You automatically avoid eye contact. As he quietly, almost like a ghost, puts down the plates in front of you, he stops abruptly and stares at ellie's legs.

"Can you stop fidgeting like that, it drives me crazy"

His voice is exactly how you imagined it, rough, a little hollow somehow and he sounds like he's been a smoker for 10 years.

Ellie looks after him with a pissed expression on her face and starts shaking her legs even more out of provocation.

"Whatever, Riley wanted to come this time and her parents allowed it, isn't that cool"

You're not as enraptured by the idea as Ellie is and you tap with the tips of your fingers, and an unpleasant feeling in your stomach, on the table a little rhythm.

Ellie's foot bumps against yours and you look up at her even before she grabs your hand.

"Now I understand what the old man means, it really makes you nervous" she Chuckles and you just feel her hand for a moment. It lightens yours gently, but not considerately, as physical contact is normal between you.

Or at least it should be. But her fingertips triggered a wave of heat that spread to your face like wildfire.

You quickly flinch back, worried that Ellie might feel your pulse, which beats very erratically. Your thoughts are circling around, unsure if the feeling is positive or negative. It feels… nice? Exciting and it's directly addictive, you feel your inner self wanting to reach for more, but an indecent anxiety accompanies you every time you allow yourself to think this far.

"so you don't like idea huh?"

Your head goes up. Shes the same as always, reddish hair, green eyes, those freckles… Ellie's own gaze has descended. You never wanted to see her like that. Now you nudge her under the table with your foot.

"No, I think it's a good idea" you lie straight to her face.

The well-known grin creeps back onto her face and she stuffs a french fries into her mouth.

Then she proudly told you how she was sent to the school principal almost twice, but also about how she got a B+ in math and how the subject gets way too much hate.

You tell her that it deserves even more hate and about the weird interection with Isabella.

Ellie choked on a french chip and coughed so hard that Seth almost kicked her out. She said that she would know if you liked someone and that Isabella shouldn’t think she could be more important to you, than she really is.

This gave you a tingling feeling, so that you almost completely forgot about riley

"I don't understand your anticipation about something like that" Confused, you watch Ellie excitedly digging her fishing stuff out of the rack.

After joel voluntarily took her with him a few times, it became a little tradition and she got her own fishing set, which she takes care of like a mother.

"I like fishing and I like to eat fish, it's a perfect fit."

You're leaning your shoulder against the door of the garage when she bumps her head under joel's workbench.

“Ow”

He can't stow boxes well and safely. But there isn't much space here either, the green pick up truck, tools and the bench on which he has already built the craziest things for ellie.

"I don't get it no, I don't like the hunt and the taste of fish very much"

You always feel like an unnecessary murderer,since you kill the beings and it doesn't give you anything.

Ellie grabs her personal spare fishing line and packs it into her fisherman's backpack.

"Then you can leave the fishes you catch to me… if you catch any at all" She grins at you challengingly.

"Hey!" You point your finger at her. "I'm not that bad."

“No, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of how bad I am either, I get it." She says and you can hear her fucking smile in her voice.

"whatever ellie, i don't like it and it’s not because I’m not good at it"

"Oh no its not that your not good at it, its that your terrible at it"

Annoyed, you roll your eyes, turn around and leave Ellie in the room, but you both have a grin on your mouths. In the kitchen, Joel waits in his typical fisherman's outfit at the dining table, with a magazien about horse races.

He actually just looks like a forester. "Hey little one you ready for the trip?"

You let yourself fall across from him, on the wood table , which Joel must have built and sanded himself.

In the beginning, you had a lot of trouble with him, he was older and taller than most of the fathers you knew.

He was also a bit old to be ellie's father. Which, in the end,turned out that he wasn't. Not exactly.

That's why he was a little colder to you at the beginning, to test you. What does it take you to leave ellie, how quickly can someone get rid of you.

He wanted to know so he could protect her from it.

That's what you're understanding today.

Ellie couldn't afford to lose any more people, and you'd be lying if you said you would have done it differently in his place.

Yes, he was a bit intimidating at first, but after a few months he softened.

Now ellie worries that he loves you more than her, but you know the truth. No one could get close to ellie, just like no one would ever get close to sarah. Probably not even Ellie herself.

You really wanted to know what name would use Ellie for the both of you?

The thought of a name, It scares you both. Because it was more than friendship yet less than- "hey you okay?"

Joel and ellie stare at you.

You nod quickly and look at the clock.

”Didn’t she wanted to be here already?" Your question was more directed towards Ellie.

Then the house bell rang and your hope falls deep and painful.

Ellie's face is starting to shine again, and even though that was one of your favorite pictures, it started to annoy you very quickly the last few days.

"Wait, I forgot my gloves," she dashed up the stairs with her huge hiking backpack and her much too loud shoes.

Her nimble footsteps could be heard throughout the house. Your gaze flicks back to a very concentrated joel, who twitches his head towards the door, to make it clear to you that you should get it.

You let out a little sigh and wander extra slowly to the door, maybe she left. She didn’t.

But You can't lie, riley was pretty. and nice. clever too. It annoyed you to the bone.

"hey"

You look at her for a moment and immediately notice the backpack and the fishing rod. God ellie will love her.

"Hey come in"

You politely open the door for her, before she enters the house she quickly takes off her shoes. Jesus, good manners too.

"Riley, Welcome, we'll leave as soon as this girl finds her gloves" he laughs in his typical raspy voice.

"Don't talk about me if when not in the room," Ellie yells down and Riley giggles. "Thank you for taking me with you this time, Mr. Miller.���

You didn't know Riley, but you can tell right away that she's very intelligent and that you understand Ellie liking for her.

As much as you try to cover it up.

Joel shakes his head. "You can call me Joel"

Riley nods briefly, and Ellie shoes can be heard whizzing down the stairs again. When she sees Riley, she freezes for a moment, even though she knew she would be here.

For a moment you wondered why she did that, but then you got it.

"Hey Riley"

"Hi Ellie"

The drive to the lake was 20 minutes. And they were the worst 20 minutes of your life. Ellie wanted to sit next to riley so bad she left the front seat to you. She never does that.

From the mirror you could see the two of them laughing, talking as if they have known each other for years.

For the first time, it seemed to you that ellie wanted to share her stage with someone. It's as if she's brought someone from the audience to the stage.

And that someone wasn't you.

You didn't say a word the whole way. Not a word.

When the bluish lake was visible trough the many trees, you wanted to drown in it. Now you still want that.

The weight of your backpack bends your back right now, and ellie and riley never looked happier.

"Have you ever fished before, riley?"

you ask the tall girl.

She nods. "My grandfather used to take me on his trips sometimes."

"So cool," Ellie murmurs.

You thought everything was shit in this place. The lake looks so unwelcoming in the fall, as if it is personally trying to tell you to just give it up.

The old wood of the jetty squeaks and slips because of the humid air and you doubt the stability of the old thing. Joel prepares a place where he can fish in peace and quiet, and gives you younger people the freedom to do it on their own.

As the youngest in the group, it doesn't help that you really are bad at fishing, but you should be able to do connect the purr and the fishing rod.

Actually, you only have to manage to connect a fishing line, the rest takes care of itself.

Too bad you're so bad to make this fucking knot.

and you really try, but it just doesn't work. After a while you get too uncomfortable that you can't do it and you drop your fishing rod loudly on the wood.

Riley looks at you confused.

Joel was back at the car searching for the bait that disgusts you so much that you’re always afraid that the worms are still alive.

Ellie looks at you and stops at your bright red face. You can't read her look, you can't understand so much about what's been going on with her over the last few weeks, maybe even months.

But maybe you’re the problem too.

"Can you help Joel for a moment, we'll come right away" Ellie jerks her head in Joel's direction, as she talks to Riley.

She doesn't give you one last look before she goes past you towards the car.

The freckled girl steps forward and picks up your fishing rod, in front of you while you stare into the air like a little child.

"Whatever is going on with you today, the fishing rod really didn't deserve that"

You look downs a bit again to meet her eyes.

"What's wrong with you Ellie?"

"With me? nothing at all… What is wrong with me?"

Her shoulders tense just a little bit, but you don't miss it.

"The only thing you're talking about is riley, the only one you want to impress is riley"

Ellie takes a few steps back for some reason and looks behind you, probably at joel and riley who are still looking for the fishing lure, out of respect.

"I don't know what you mean"

You let out a snort and look at her. “I don't know you like that and it's driving me crazy"

"Why? Why can't I change, what's your problem?"

You want to seek closeness, her hand in yours to make the emotional distance disappear, but she takes a step back again when you try it.

It makes sense that she doesn't want that right now, but it still hurts incredibly how she runs away from you.

"It's not about you changing, it's good that you do, I don't care about that, but not who you do it with, Ellie" you remark.

For a second, she seems so far away, as if worlds universes separate you. In some summers, ellie and joel visit their family in texas, or drive into town for a few days. The separated time is not pretty, but neither is it gruesome.

Cause you can’t wait for her to come back, and she's just as excited about it as you are.

But I’m this moment, right now, you feel more separate from her than ever before.

"It's not always about you, I'm not your-"

Both of you weren't sure how it happened, because all of a sudden she was in the water. You don't know if you pushed her or if she fell in because of her distance steps. But both would be your fault.

The sound the jetty makes, the platch of the water, the way she is so shocked as soon as her face reaches the surface.

With your hand in front on your mouth you watch as she stares at you indignantly. Thank god she can swim.

Her eyes and the light green of the lake, bite each other just a tiny bit. It almost seems to you as if it was so destined, ellie and the lake. And maybe that was the case, but not in autumn.

You can't imagine how cold the water is and her blue lips testify enough. But Ellie doesn't budge. For a few seconds, she just stares at you. Maybe so that she can picture it again later or to make you realize what you just done.

You two didn't have to check if joel and riley noticed, you can already hear the stomping footsteps.

"Im sorry I-" you turn around so fast that you get dizzy and you almost fall into the lake too , you run so fast down the jetty that Joel can't stop you.

You're not quite sure where you're going. It all looks the same anyway. A play of colours, of orange and yellow on the ground and in the crowns of the trees. The sounds of birds and the dead leaves in the air.

As soon as you don't feel your legs anymore, you stop.

Your lungs sound like they're about to give up on you, and you are about to hyperventilate. It feels like you're always running, if not physical, then emotional.

You run when you're awake, when you're asleep, when you're sitting, Whether that's on ellie‘s old couch or when you have dinner with your family. Something scares you and it's always in the back of your mind, no matter where you are or with whom.

All of a sudden, your chest feels too tight and your head too much, but the world feels too small. It's as if all the air in the world is evaporating in front of you, and you can't do anything but try to get some oxygen with every breath. Your arms rested on your knees, your head spinning and-

"Hey?"

Your eyes rush open so wide and fast it almost hurts.

Ellie's clothes are completely soaked, so is her hair and she shivers slightly. And she's standing in front of you? She’s wearing an fishing jacket, a thick one and a wet one, but she doesn’t care.

"Hey it's okay im sorry I shouldn't have said that" she says it so fast, your brain almost misses it.

she doesn't ask if she can touch you, even if a precaution wouldn't have hurt you. At first only your hand, she grabs it very carefully and her cold skin makes you twitch a bit.

After that, she holds your cheek in her other hand to make you look up. You could still feel the drops of water hours later.

"Come here its okay, I’m fine" She takes puts both of her arms around you and one hand rests on your head.

She literally presses you against her. Her hand gently caresses over your hair. You've shoved her into an ice-cold lake and she's holding you like you're gold. As if you weren't a monster - as if you mean something.

Like a lost piece of a puzzle, your own arms sling around her and you put your head into her shoulder.

You cry so often, and you know it. You know how overwhelming it is for you, for the people around you, maybe even annoying, but not for ellie.

The animals of the forest hardly bothered, even if it was like the whole forest when quiet for a short minute. But you might have imagined that too.

"I'm really sorry ellie"

Your breaking voice is very low, though she hears it anyway.

"I know everything is okay I’m fine, I’m sorry too"

Out of surprise, you stiffen for a moment.

"I dragged you out here and hardly spoke to you. You're only here because of me" she explains and You can’t deny that.

You were going to stay like this a little longer, but suddenly ellie's breath hitches.

"don’t fucking move"

Her words run like a cold down your spine and into your ear, all the way to your legs. You were prepared for something that would tear you apart from behind But not knowing what it was almost killed you by itself.

Her arms loosen and turned you around a little in the other direction. Her eyes are still directed forward, into the forest.

When you slowly turn around, theres only a… deer?

You suppress the urge to tease Ellie, expecting that a Serial killer with a pointed hook was standing behind you, but the beauty of the creature was already enough to shut you up. It's still a bit young, probably still baby.

The white dots reminded you of freckles, of ellie.

The same ellie who was still standing next to you, way too close. But by too close you mean “exactly close enough”. Just perfect.

The two of you watch as the animal sniffs around on the ground. Ellie's wet hand prushes yours just a little.

A daring, yet intentional invitation, which you immediately accept.

The deer looks up even though you didn't make a sound.

And it's hard for you to breathe, as well as blinking.

This moment, this gracious moment should last as long as possible. It seems to both of you as if it is looking right into your souls, your hand squeezes ellies even tighter.

"Do you have your phone with you?"

With her big eyes she is still watching the deer. You shake your head.

"That's fine. I think it wont leave us, just for a little while.

a/n: I tried to make it a little less angsty (I failed forgive me)

INTERACT W LINKS ABOVE!!!! 🍉🍉

anyways hope you liked it pls repost and like!!! Next chapter the road trip will start I promise 🤞 (no hate to Riley btw I love her but let’s be fr reader would be jealous)

@yourelliewillms @bready101 @liasxeatt @darkerstarsstuff @elliezato @macaroni676 @crxmxnzl-c0rpzes @lovelyxbaby @yalaysbee @moonchild184 @a-little-bit-of-everybody @gosomewjere

[cherriesxinthespring]

Hii

Can you please elaborate on ellie using drinking and sex as coping mechanisms?

hi! YES!

warnings: mentions of C-PTSD, SA, fear of abandonment, alcoholism, mentions of trauma and overall dark topics

Since her childhood, Ellie has been abandoned by her parental figures. Her mom died, and Joel died too. Adults that she trusted have treated her poorly (both Joel and Marlene).

When she becomes an adult she'll very likely feel the need to be in a romantic relationship, but also fear it, expecting her loved ones to leave all the time. What she has learned since childhood is "if i love someone, they will leave." and, after Joel's death "if i'm mad at someone, they will die, and it will be my fault."

This is all reinforced by Riley dying too. (before she died, she was going to abandon ellie to join the fireflies)

How does this translate into behaviour? it's kinda a push and pull. One hand she needs intimacy with her partner, as a way to check that the other person isn't going to leave. On the other hand she is so scared that she's going to be abandoned again that she will, very likely, leave first.

That's where sex as a coping mechanism appears. She's gonna be having it to be closer to her partner sometimes. It's basically a way to have "proof" that her partner isn't going to leave and still loves her. (sex as a way to get closer)

There's also using sex as a way to dissociate/keep busy/escapism. When you're in someone's pants you really don't have time to think about anything else (sex as a way to escape).

Alcohol is basically just a way to forget and numb those feelings. It's how she handles grief and probably, how she has learned people handle grief. (Joel was a drinker too, but so is everyone in the tlou universe. You've been shot? Drink. Someone has died? Drink.)

Both sex and alcohol appear on the farm episode: the empty bottles and glasses next to Joel's picture

And sex is implied! when she kisses Dina and says "should i stop?"

There's so many other things!! I can go on and on. (like how she associates sex and intimacy as something bad because during her first time, Abby was playing golf with Joel, so she may feel guilty after it because her brain associates intimacy=bad things, so sometimes she might use it unconsciously as a form of self-punishment) and her trauma with David and how SA is implied.

[iamtheoutsideworld]

They are just dancing ur honor

YEAH THE DANCE WITH DEATH or OF DEATH

um i genuinely love this series i think the devs made a game not to "hype up" their main character which a lot of games and story telling does, but they made a game about changing and perspective and I respect them a lot for that. B/c these are just ppl trying to survive not superheroes or op characters. Not that there's anything wrong with stories like that i just think stories like that have gotten old.

So yes Ellie changes Abby changes but I still love the characters a lot , at times I wished Ellie stayed with Dina but I'm like maybe that's just what she needed to do to finally change/let go of the past and further more forgive Joel. It was heartbreaking to see Ellie leave Dina cause I loved their dynamic and how often does unrequited love work out lol. But I don't blame either one for their choices I was upset with Ellie but it is what it is. It makes me think like "yes this person has changed but they are still the person I knew. So do I want to keep them in my life or let them go" kinda thing.

And all power to the audience but I think ppls discourse of the game was a little biased. Everyone hated Abby which yes she killed Joel. (Oh yeah and everyone was being transphobic and homophobic in general) and then a lot of ppl were mad Ellie didn't kill Abby(this is just a lot of shit I saw ppl complain about when the story was first released) but no one really talked EVER about a lot of the symbolisms or "coincidences" that happen thru the game.

Like the switch blade and little Ottie the elephant(i think that's its name) symbolizing the innocence of a child and showing Ellie whos changed and had to kill over the years

Or the fact that Abby is shown in a Halloween store on the "Seattle day 1"(when showing Abby after Joel's death) reminding me of the left behind dlc and they play around in a Halloween store . Or the parallels of Owen and Abby's relationship to Ellie and Riley when they were younger. And one friend wanting to explore but the other is trying to go back home.

Ellie and Abby both having tank tops on during their final fights lol not that important but yah. There's more but that's all I can remember right now I gotta play the rest of this game on grounded I know I'm gonna get my ass kicked playing that shit. I ususally play on story mode cause I want to enjoy the story lol but sometimes I know I can play on normal I just don't be feeling like it.

I'd honestly give this series a 10/10 it was amazing to experience very heavy subjects and topics talked about mostly is revenge worth it or how much are u willing to change for it.

Also Abby being so caring for the two young Seraphites was so nice to see her being "motherly" and sweet to them but also gruff with the way she talked. And honestly I got a soft spot for Abby idk is it the muscles? Lol and I saw someone say Dina carried her relationship with Ellie I'd say "yes and no" I think they had a lot of "let's clear the air" but never did that b/c Ellie probably didn't want to talk about it and/ or they weren't ready to talk about it. And Ellie was trying so hard to act like nothing was wrong but it clearly was wrong. So yes they were happy together but couldn't let go. I said this already but Ellie was like a warrior that couldn't leave the battlefield cause that's all she was used to. But she didn't really "try" to be happy either. All the killing and murder and brain trauma I doubt a couple months would cure u of the fucked up shit. Trying to heal from trauma takes tim on e but she didn't really give herself that either .. so idk

Also I woke up to a pic of Ellie's leather strap shotty having 20 ppl interact with it so thank u I didn't think much of the post lol I did like the pic a lot tho. I think it's just tlou stuff is super popular either way thanks

This is a lil jokey joke but THEY HAD TO NERF ABBY JUST FOR THESE MFS TO EVEN STAND A CHANCE AGAISNST HER THAT IS SO FUNNY TO ME. ELLIE GOT A DAMN BLADE FIGHTINF A MALNURISHED ABBY BRUH. Lol Abby was just so cold and cool I loved her bruh. But on god if Dina had died cause of Ellie idk if I could've forgiven her character lmao.

Also please I don't care about shipping ship whoever u like I really don't care I don't want to see ppl arguing about ships please. I liked Dina and Ellie but that don't mean I wasn't sad for Jessie losing his girl he clearly still liked Dina lol. I'm just saying I'm very neutral when it comes to shipping characters don't argue with me argue with ya mama

[swftwalker]

FANDOMS MASTERLIST!! (this is long k im sorry)

• YELLOWJACKETS

natalie scatorccio, lottie matthews, shauna shipman, van palmer, taissa turner, misty quigley, jackie taylor, callie sadecki, laura lee, melissa, mari ibarra, akilah, travis martinez, walter tattersall

• ARCANE

caitlyn kiramman, vi, jinx/powder, ekko, mel medarda, jayce talis, viktor

• RIORDANVERSE

annaveth chase, percy jackson, grover underwood, leo valdez, jason grace, piper mclean, frank zhang, hazel levesque, nico di angelo, will solace, silena beauregard, charles beckendorf, thalia grace, clarisse la rue, rachel elizabeth dare, ethan nakamura, luke castellan, travis/connor stoll, lityerses, reyna ramirez-arellano, lester papadopoulos, katie gardner

• WIZARDING WORLD

remus lupin, evan rosier, regulus black, barty croush jr, james potter, sirius black, marlene mckinnon, lily evans, harry potter, hermione granger, ron weasley, fred/george, luna lovegood, neville longbottom, ginny weasley, theodore nott

• THE HUNGER GAMES

katniss everdeen, peeta mellark, finnick odair, johanna manson, haymitch abernathy, lucy gray, maysilee donner, wyatt callow, effie trinket

• THE MAZE RUNNER

thomas, newt, minho, theresa, frypan, aris, brenda

• CRIMINAL MINDS

emily prentiss, spencer reid, jennifer jareaux, derek morgan, aaron hotchner, penelope garcia, elle greenaway

• BRIDGERTON

anthony bridgerton, benedict bridgerton, colin bridgerton, daphne bridgerton, eloise bridgerton, francesca bridgerton, penelope featherington, kate sharma, edwina sharma, simon basset, theo sharpe, violet bridgerton, kind george, charlotte

• THE WALKING DEAD

rick grimes, carl grimes, daryl dixon, carol peletier, maggie greene, michonne, glenn rhee, rosita espinosa, aaron, tara chambler

• GRISHAVERSE

kaz brekker, alina starkov, malyen oretsev, inej gafha, jesper fahey, wylan van eck, nikolai lantsov, nina zenik, zoya nazyalensky, matthias helvar

• MARVEL

tony stark, steve rogers, natasha romanoff, yelena belova, thor odinson, loki odinson, bruce banner, clint barton, kate bishop, carol danvers, scott lang, wanda maximoff, vision, agatha harkness, bucky barnes, sam wilson, stephen strange, kamala khan, matt murdock, jessica jones, charles xavier, erik lensherr, logan howlett, raven darkholme, peter maximoff, jean grey, scott summers, alex summers, any spiderman ever made, bob reynolds, ava starr

• COBRA KAI/KARATE KID

miguel diaz, robby keene, eli moskowitz, sam larusso, tory nichols, daniel larusso, johnny lawrence, demetri alexopoulos, anthony larusso, devon lee, kenny payne

• SCREAM

sidney prescott, gale weathers, dewey riley, billy loomis, stu macher, tara carpenter, samantha carpenter, tatum riley, jill roberts, amber freeman, chad meeks-martin, mindy meeks-martin, wes hicks, randy meeks, charlie walker, roman bridger, ethan landry, quinn bailey

• STRANGER THINGS

steve harrington, robin buckley, nancy wheeler, jonathan byers, eddie munson, eleven hopper, jim hopper, joyce byers, will byers, mike wheeler, max mayfield, dustin henderson, lucas sinclair

• YOU

love quinn, joe goldberg, guinevere beck, ellie alves, delilah alves, lady phoebe, forty quinn

• THE LAST OF US

ellie williams, joel miller, abby anderson, dina, tommy miller, jesse

• THE BEAR

carmy berzatto, sydney adamu, marcus brooks, richie jerimovich, natalie berzatto, michael berzatto, tina marrero, claire dunlap

• TEEN WOLF

scott mccall, stiles stilinski, theo raeken, liam dunbar, derek hale, allison argent, lydia martin, isaac lahey, peter hale, malia tate, kira yukimura, deucalion, chris argent, cora hale, nolan holloway, mason hewitt, brett talbot, corey bryant

• AGGGTM

pippa fitz-amobi, ravi singh, cara ward, andie bell, sal singh, nat da silva, connor reynolds, jamie reynolds, naomi ward, zach chen

• SHAMELESS

fiona gallagher, lip gallagher, ian gallagher, debby gallagher, carl gallagher, mickey milkovich, kevin ball, veronica fisher, mandy milkovich, svetlana yevgenivna, sandy milkovich

• OUTER BANKS

sarah cameron, kiara carrera, cleo anderson, john b routlege, jj maybank, rafe cameron, pope heyward, sofia

• THE WILDS

shelby goodkind, leah rilke, toni shalifoe, nora reid, martha backburn, rachel reid, fatin jadmani, dot campbell

• THE VAMPIRE DIARIES (s1-2-3-4)

elena gilbert, stefan salvatore, damon salvatore, caroline forbes, tyler lockwood, jeremy gilbert, elijah mikaelson, rebekah mikaelson, klaus mikaelson, alaric saltzman

more... heartless, the sex lives of college girls, hill house/bly manor, bottoms, challengers, normal people, fallout, sweetpea, one piece, derry girls, heartstopper, locke & key s1, mlwtwb, ATLA, manifest, heartbreak high, young royals, weak hero class, SKAM

i'm probably missing things so this will be get updated || if someone you want to request is not in here, you're free to ask me since i probably forgot some people

[the-blind-assassin-12]

Hi! For your WIP game, can you tell us more about Survivor Blues and what's coming next for them? I love that story and the way you're writing Ellie and Joel - and can't wait to see more!

Hi! I’m so damn sorry it took me so damn long to answer this ask that you might not even remember sending it anymore!

Also, to hear you say that you love Survivor Blues and my versions of Ellie and Joel always makes me so fucking happy because I know just how much you adore those characters. It makes me feel like I’m doing right by them, which is all I want, so thank you endlessly for that. 🥲

The next two pieces of the story are sort of coming (slowly) together simultaneously. One is an Ellie POV interlude that I’ve been calling Sketching Ghosts, and the other is a full chapter called Just Dinner, wherein, you guessed it, Reader goes to Joel’s house for dinner.

I’m really looking forward to sharing this part of the story for a few reasons. The Ellie POV is going to be entirely Ellie & Reader, which will be the first time we see them spending time together. It's also going to be the first time Ellie opens up (a liiiiiiitle bit) about losing Riley to someone that isn't Joel, and sort of marks the beginning of her looking at Reader as someone who she can talk to about things that might not be as easy to talk to other people about, and someone she might be able to come to for advice. She also shares some of her artwork with Reader - though not intentionally - which reveals something she hasn't shown or told anyone, not even Joel. It's definitely a serious section of the story, but it also has light moments and Ellie jokes, and it leads right up to Just Dinner.

The next full chapter puts Joel, Ellie and Reader all together for the first time, which is proving to be a lot of fun to write. This is the "thank you for stitching my arm up so nicely" dinner that Ellie insisted Joel invite Reader for, and it absolutely starts out as awkward as that sounds because A) Reader hasn't made a social call in 20 years, B) Ellie is smirking her ass off and insinuating that this is a date, and C) Joel is trying like heck to ignore that. But eventually it falls into place and a Nice Time is had. Buuuuuuuuut, there are also some flashbacks that are both bitter and sweet, because that's how this cookie crumbles. Actually they're strawberry bars, but same thing. Eventually, the chaperone (Ellie) leaves and then Joel and Reader have some one on one time that doesn't involve danger or responsibility. This is still the slowest of burns, however, so unfortunately for everyone involved, it is in fact Just Dinner. (For now.)

Thank you so friggin much for asking about this story and for always encouraging me to write it. You are the actual best. <3

[chaigirly]

C ai Characters 1

The last of us:

Ellie Williams

Heard your princess was hot, where is she?

I met her when I was still with my ex

You’re the only one who understands

I see how you look at my sister

Only love can hurt like this

Partners in crime

I just wanna get high with my lover

If you gave me a chance I would take it

All I want is one more day with her

Must have been a deadly kiss

Cause I’m a jealous jealous jealous girl

Her moves, her moves, she is mythical

You’re too slow, try keep up with me now

Merry Christmas to you

It’s so lonely in my mansion

When does the reason become the blame?

And when you go away, I still see you

You’re the star I look for every night

I’ve been waiting for you

Shut up and drive

You’re the greatest love of my life

Joel Miller

You wanna scream don’t call me kid

She a bad little bitch, she a rebel

Don’t cry no tears now it’s Christmas baby

“I like you,” what’s stopping you?

Dina Woodward

Got kinda drunk and told her that I liked her

But I think I’m liking her more

That’s my mamacita yeah

Jesse

You’re my best friend I’ll love you forever

I just wanna be your sweetheart

Call of Duty:

Simon Ghost Riley

When I see you again

I was enchanted to meet you

There was something in the air that night

Now that you’re under our spell

Open your eyes

She only exists in the dark of my room

I’m faking all of this so they’ll take me

The only memory is us kissing in the moonlight

König

Sorry it’s over

Baby are you mine?

The Quarry:

Dylan Lenivy

I dreamt about you all summer long

Lovely to be rained on with you

Why don’t we go somewhere only we know

Have yourself a Merry little Christmas

Xoxo kisses hugs

Let’s be friends so we can make out

You’re my moonlight

We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight

I might get lost without you

Would I lie to you?

Kaitlyn Ka

You call me, “I love you”

City lights never shine as bright as your eyes

Max Brinly

My love mine all mine

I can see the pain in your eyes

When does a man become a monster?

If you keep leading me into your room

Nick Furcillo

That boy is a monster

Last Friday Night

Run away fast as you can

Emma Mountebank

Girl, you’re such a backstabber

I’m addicted to my passion, fashion

Begging on her knees to be popular

Abigail Blyg

It’s in your smile, it’s in your eyes

My first kiss went a little like this

Jacob Custos

Oh no she likes another boy

In the center of the ring just like a circus

Let me get what I want this time

Detention

Clapton Davis

Last Christmas I gave you my heart

I’m getting feelings that I didn’t before

Stilettos and fishnets if that’s what you like

In my room, you and I

Arcane

Vi

I ain’t stopping till I see police lights

All you’ll ever have is one day with me

Jinx

Mama I’m in love with a criminal

Call me babydoll

You’ll see my face in every place

Divergent

Tobias Four Eaton

I can’t believe we’re finally alone

Welcome to Vegas baby

I wanna show you off

Resident Evil

Leon Kennedy

It’s born from just one glance

Carlos Oliveira

I would trade the world to see my son and wife

Touch me like nobody else does

Rise of the Guardians

Jack Frost

Rises the moon

Five Nights At Freddy’s

Mike Schmidt

I keep forgetting I should let you go

This that college dropout music

Red Dead Redemption

Javier Escuella

It all fell down, it all fell down

Only if you knew how much I liked you

Dutch van der Linde

I got a bad feeling about you

Think I need someone older

Arthur Morgan

When you close your eyes, do you picture me?

Spiderverse

Miguel O’Hara

I can be a better boyfriend than him

Hobie Brown

I’m breaking dishes up in here

Peter Parker

How could I hurt you?

What’s on your mind? I said, “your skin”

But girl I’m only human

I told you once I can’t do this again

Well you don’t know me but I know you

Miles Morales

I know that we’re more than friends

“I love you baby,” I think I love you too

DC Universe

Jaime Reyes

When does a candle become a blaze?

[typewriter83]

How are you feeling mama? Can I be the most insensitive cub and ask if there’s any wips you’ve got? Anything to share? I miss you so!

Hi sweet cub - Mama has had better days. I’ve also had worse days, so maybe I’m recovering. Whatever this is - whether it was a severe cold or Covid, we’ll never know - I still haven’t fully recovered. I can’t shake this cough!

That being said, I wish I had better news regarding WIPs! Since I’ve started recovering, I’ve tried to sit down and write, but my brain is so fuzzy! A few people have suggested it’s Covid fog, but I’m also still congested and it’s hard to focus. I’m hoping to spend some time this week working on something. I have 3 WIPs going on - dumb on my part, but it happened and I can’t take it back.

Joellie WIPs discussion below cut

LtW2 ch1 has begun and it picks up almost immediately after the last chapter ended. We’re gonna see Ellie and Joel settling into the mountain cabin, Ellie struggling with PTSD, Joel being the guard dog, and maybe a visitor or two. These two need to come to terms with their relationship and what they want their future to look like, too.

“am I the one” chapter 3 is about halfway done. We’re gonna see the fallout from Joel’s behavior - he’s emotionally constipated, wait till he finds out that people in his corner are rooting for Ellie. We’re gonna take a peek at Ellie’s backstory, from her time in the foster system, how she made her way through NASA’s astronaut program, we’ll meet Riley and Marlene, and then see how Ellie ended up in Austin. Remember, this is a fluffy modern AU, and while there’s some tragedy in their past - these two are in for a fluffy story.

Finally, D&C part 11 - trust me, this one came out of left field. I wasn’t expecting to write another D&C story so soon, but here we are. This story is set 2 years in the future, and over the span of about four months. We’re gonna get to see some more from Bill and Frank, and all the Millers will be coming to Lincoln for Thanksgiving. This should be a really sweet entry into the series.

Fingers crossed I can get my brain in gear - the ideas are all there, but this foggy feeling is keeping me from putting “pen to paper” so to speak.

🫶🏻

[goalhofer]

2023-24 Hershey Bears Famous Relations

#18 Pierrick Dubé: Son Of former Lyon C.D.H. RW Roger Dubé. #25 Ryan Hofer: Brother of St. Louis Blues G Joel Hofer. #36 Julian Napravnik: Brother of former Löwen Frankfurt II C Kevin Napravnik. #45 Matt Strome: Brother of Washington Capitals C Dylan Strome & Anaheim Ducks C Ryan Strome. #24 Riley Sutter: Son of Calgary Flames player development coach Ron Sutter, nephew of former Calgary Flames head coach Darryl Sutter, former Florida Panthers head coach Duane Sutter, former Red Deer Rebels head coach Brent Sutter, former Toronto Maple Leafs RW Rich Sutter & former Chicago Blackhawks head coach Brian Sutter and cousin of Calgary Wranglers C Brett Sutter, Red Deer Rebels vice president of hockey operations Merrick Sutter, former Vancouver Canucks C Brandon Sutter, former Vienna Hauptstädte C Brody Sutter, Buffalo Sabres scout Luke Sutter & Red Deer Rebels assistant GM Shaun Sutter. #41 Alexander Suzdalev: Son of former Vetlanda Truppen player Anatoly Suzdalev. #96 Nicolas Aubé-Kubel: Brother of international figure skater Alex-Anne Aubé-Kubel and cousin of former Guildford Flames C T.J. Foster. #27 Aaron Ness: Son of former Johnstown Chiefs C Jay Ness. #21 Joe Snively: Nephew of former olympic diver David Snively.

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Part 16

“Four Hands Bloodied”

Joel Miller x f! o/c

gif by @riley-keoughs

A/N: the time has finally come for me to put this chapter out there. I took a break from Gwen and Joel after chapter 15 because it took a lot out of me to write it. This chapter actually might hurt more than the last and like I have said before, it doesn’t get any better from here. This entire chapter is all angst so if that isn’t your thing, please don’t read it. Thank you for being patient with me. ♡

~word count: 9.0k~

Summary: after Tess’s death, you, Joel, and Ellie make the trek to Bill and Franks.

Warnings: age gap, (o/c is in her early 30’s and Joel is in his 50’s) established relationship, angst, trauma, regret, guilt, anger, resentment, heartbreak, arguments, depictions of a panic attack, going into shock, two character deaths, (Bill and Frank’s suicide) PTSD, triggering themes that may be disturbing for some viewers. Implicit smut, no description as it’s all about Joel and Gwen’s feelings in the moment, brief mentions of alcohol, unprotected piv, emotions, cock warming but in the sense that they physically do not want to be apart from one another, sad sex is the easiest way to describe it. Some might find their coping mechanisms to be toxic, (+18) minors dni!

Songs for this chapter:

“Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo

“Long Long Time” by Linda Rondstadt

“take a moment to breathe” by normal the kid

“Eavesdrop” by The Civil Wars

“Same Old Same Old” by The Civil Wars

“White Lie” by the Civil Wars

“Flicker” by Niall Horan

“Wait” by M83

“On The Nature of Daylight” by Max Richter

“I Can’t Go On Without You” by KALEO

10 miles outside of the Boston QZ

The only visible light source was the oil lamp that sat between yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. You had unwrapped the cloth from the teens arm before gently cleaning it with a rag doused in rubbing alcohol. Ellie didn’t even flinch as the chemical burned the fresh bite mark on her forearm. You were silent as you gently cleaned the wound. Your mind had completely gone numb. You had entirely shut down sans your aching heart. It ached for Tess. It ached for Bea. It ached for Ellie and it ached for Joel. That was the dangerous thing about loving someone. There would always be an inevitable pain that followed.

“Can you tell me about Bill and Frank?” Ellie had spoken through the thick silence. The soft glow from the oil lamp was casted on both yours and Ellie’s face.

“They’re our long time friends. Well, Joel and…Tess knew them longer than I have. Bill is the ultimate survivalist. He turned his mom’s house into an apocalypse bunker. He’s got security cameras, booby traps, and a giant steel fence that surrounds the town and his property. Bill and Frank are lovers, the unlikely kind. They’re pretty much the polar opposites of each other.” You spoke softly as you grabbed a fresh bandage from your backpack and gently wrapped Ellie’s arm.

“Bill sounds like a fucking badass. How did they end up meeting and falling in love?” Ellie asked, curiosity laced in her tone.

“Oh, he’s a badass alright. Huge grump as well but he reminds me of—” You paused, letting out a sigh as you gathered up your med supplies and tucked them back into your bag. “Frank fell into one of Bill’s many booby traps and the rest is history.”

Ellie could sense your discomfort as she quietly thanked you for tending to her arm. “Are you..okay? I know that’s a silly question to ask considering what happened, but..we can talk about it if you want?”

You dodged her question like it was the fucking plague. “Do you wanna see a picture of them? Well, all of us together actually. It was taken a couple summers ago.” You reached into your backpack once more, searching around till you found the Polaroid photo with the time stamp, June 21st, 2021

The edges of the photo were a bit worn but the colors stayed true. You could taste the warm summer breeze on your tongue. Joel’s laughter and Bill’s grumbling as Frank insisted on taking the photo. “So that pretty little thing is Tess’s girlfriend, Bea. She’s a spitfire. Then those two handsome chaps are Bill and Frank.” You pointed to the two older gentlemen. Frank was beaming in the photo while his lover looked as grumpy as ever.

The photo was taken midway through a game of monopoly. You were all huddled close around the table. The only person who wasn’t focused on the camera was your Joel. He was too busy looking at you.

Your fingers were trembling as you held the photo under the warm glow of the oil lamp. Your lower lip wobbled, but you refused to cry. You had shed more than enough tears that day and your body was spent.

“Gwen..” Ellie whispered, reaching out and gently placing her hand over your trembling one.

“Ellie, please. I can’t talk about this. I’m sorry.” You shakily whispered as you looked up at the teen with glassy eyes.

“Well, it’s a beautiful photo. You all look super happy in it. Well, except for Bill. He looks like one grumpy ass motherfucker. Must have been a fun day, huh?” Ellie spoke softly as she didn’t want to upset you anymore than you already were.

“Oh, it was a super fun day. The happiest that any of us ever were. It was like..this moment outside of reality, where the apocalypse didn’t exist, and we were all just living our lives.”

“That’s beautiful.”

The top of the oil lamp made a low hissing sound from a stray raindrop that had landed on the warm metal. Soft patter of raindrops began to fall between the gaps in the trees. One had landed on Ellie’s nose and she let out a soft sound of annoyance, scrunching her nose up from the intrusion before she threw the hood of her jacket over her head.

“Listen, Ellie. I know why you stood up for me earlier, but..don’t feel like you need to do that alright? Especially when Joel—”

Ellie shook her head as she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets to keep them warm. “Gwen, I wasn’t just gonna sit there and let him talk to you like that. He was just fucking beating on you the whole time. That wasn’t okay. You know that right?”

You let out a sigh, rubbing your fingers against your temples before you glanced over your shoulder. At the far edge of the camp, you could barely make out Joel’s form laying on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you and he had his gun clutched tightly to his chest.

“I know it wasn’t okay what he did. Look, I just don’t want him thinking that just because he’s going through something, that he just gets to take it out on you now too. I know how to handle him, and I promise you, he won’t ever speak to you that way again. Not while I’m still breathing.”

Ellie nodded as she tucked herself into her sleeping bag and used the light from the oil lamp to read her shitty puns book titled, No Pun Intended: Volume Too

At the far end of the makeshift campsite, Joel was lying on his side. His back was facing you and Ellie far in the distance. He was clutching his rifle to his chest, finger hovering the trigger. It had been hours since Tess had died. Hours since he said the unforgivable to you. Hours since his entire fucking world was turned upside down. He felt lost. Hopeless. Broken. Out of ideas. Most importantly, he was angry at himself. Furious for allowing himself to treat you so cruelly. He knew that apologizing to you would leave him fruitless. His words would mean nothing to you because the damage was already inflicted. Part of him was surprised that you hadn’t left. He couldn’t blame you if you did end up leaving. If he put himself in your shoes, he would be doing the same thing. So what does a man such as himself do now? How does one move forward? How does one forgive themselves for inflicting cruelty on the ones they love the most?

Joel felt the tears prick the corner of his eyes as he quickly blinked them away. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not after what he had done. His heart clenched in on itself when he pictured the way your face fell. The tears streaming down your cheeks. The pain swirling behind your warm irises as you shakily held the barrel of your gun deep into the cavern of his chest.

Joel squeezed his eyes shut tight. Wishing that the images would dissipate from his broken mind. He couldn’t stand it. Knowing that you were yards away from him, hurting and he couldn’t do a goddamn thing to fix it.

Pathetic.

He listened to the whistling of the wind twisting through the trees above. The leaves fluttered. The crickets and forest life sang their songs, but Joel’s mind did not stop reeling. He forced himself to try and get some form of sleep. Even if it was just 20 minutes. Despite everything that happened, he would be damned if he wasn’t alert enough to keep you and Ellie safe through the night.

Just as his mind began to relax and the overall exhaustion had his eyes drooping, he heard a voice whispering through the trees. His ears began to ring and his mind felt fuzzy. The sounds of the forest were muffled by the ringing in his ears. Then, everything went silent. A brief moment of relief, and then he heard her voice again.

Sarah.

Dad. What happened? Dad..I'm sorry about Tess. She’s sorry things ended the way they did. Dad, I know you’re hurting. I know you’re angry, but you hurt Gwen so bad. Why did you do that?

Joel felt the guilt swirl deep in his gut. He was conscious enough to know that he really wasn’t hearing his dead daughter's voice. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. She wasn’t really speaking to him but god, did it fucking hurt to hear his baby girl disappointed in him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl. I know I shouldn’t have treated her that way. I was just so upset, and angry at myself for not bein’ able to protect Tess. I failed her and I know Gwen was only tryin’ to comfort me. I needed her and I pushed her away. I’m so sorry.”

You need her more than ever now. You can’t lose her. Promise me you won’t lose her Dad. You have to show her that you’re better than that. Please. I love you, and I know you’ll do the right thing.

“I promise you that I won’t lose her. I can’t lose her. I love you, and I miss you so fucking much baby girl. Daddy loves you so much.” Joel whispered through the darkness.

I love you.

Joel felt his body cave in on itself, silent sobs wrecked through him as he trembled along the sleeping bag. His grip around the rifle tightened as he tried to bring himself back down to earth. It was too much. Everything was too fucking much. He wished that you were there, holding him, singing to him, comforting him. He desperately yearned for your warm embrace, despite being aware that he didn’t deserve it. Sarah was right, Joel needed you more than ever now.

“Hey kiddo? Try and get some sleep, okay? I’m going to take the first watch. We’re gonna be on the road early tomorrow morning. I promise I'll keep you safe Ellie. No matter what.” You were slowly rising from the forest floor with your gun tucked safely in the holster around your hips.

The teenager looked up at you from her puns book as she slowly nodded. Her eyes were searching yours. You could tell she was looking for comfort, for reassurance that everything was going to be okay. “Thank you, Gwen.” She whispered.

You gave her a small reassuring nod before you stepped over your sleeping bag. You didn’t want to speak to Joel at all. You would have much rather avoided it at all costs. You promised this kid that you would keep her safe and in order to do that, you’d have to bury your hurt feelings, and ego for her sake.

Your approach was quiet, and you could already feel the tears pricking your eyes as you drew near his broad frame curled up on his sleeping bag. You swallowed the lump growing in your throat as you stood over him.

“Joel.”

You heard him take a shuddered inhale as he turned his head over his shoulder, looking up at you. Even in the darkness, you could see the glassy look in his deep pools of brown. Your heart tugged in your chest towards him, but you refused to give in.

“Gwen.” Was all he could muster out.

“I’m taking the first watch. Get some sleep and I'll wake you up when it’s your turn.” You averted making eye contact with him at all and looked off to the side.

“Are you sure?..I can take the first watch—” you cut him off before he could continue.

“No, Joel. It’s fine. Just get some sleep.” You were already turning on your heel to walk away when you felt his warm palm encage around your wrist, ceasing your movements.

“Gwen, I know that you’re upset, you have every right to be—”

“Fucking let go of my wrist right now Joel. Let go of me.” You hissed under your breath as you moved to tug your wrist from his grasp.

“Gwen, please. I can’t—” he pleaded with you.

“Can’t what? Can’t lose me? You can’t lose something that was never yours Joel.” The words rolled bitterly off your tongue. You couldn’t help it. He had hurt you so bad and all you could do was lash out.

“Don’t go fuckin’ sayin’ somethin’ like that when you know it ain’t true.” He harshly whispered, feeling his own bitterness begin to seep through his already broken heart.

“It’s not true? What makes it not true? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me go right fucking now.”

“It ain’t true because I know you’re angry, you’re upset, and you’re hurt, but you don’t actually feel that way..you don’t. I know you don’t.” His grip loosened just enough for you to pull your wrist free.

“Don’t you dare fucking tell me how I feel, Joel. Don’t you dare.” You were seething at this point, blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill over. You gave him one last harsh look before you were quickly retreating from him.

Joel let his hand drop to the forest floor, gripping the grass between his fingers. He tore up grass and dirt beneath his palms. His fingernails caked in dirt as he tore up more of the grassy earth. He watched you walk away from him and did nothing about it. You needed more time, that was all. He tried to convince himself that you’d forgive him eventually. That you still loved him. He knew he was being selfish for allowing his thoughts to focus on your feelings towards him. Had he really learned nothing?

Of course you still loved him. Of course you fucking did and the worst part? There was nothing you could do to stop it. Joel was far too deeply entangled in your soul for you to not love him. You were doing this for Ellie. You weren’t doing this for him, or yourself, you were doing this for the 14 year old girl that wasn’t even sure if she would live to see another day.

It was sometime in the middle of the night when you had gone to wake up Joel so he could take the second watch. You kicked his boot hard with your own, startling him awake but you didn’t care. As soon as he was sitting up with his rifle at the ready, you were already walking back to your sleeping bag and climbing into its confines.

Joel had let out a grumble sigh as he slowly rose from his sleeping bag. He reloaded his rifle effortlessly before he was quietly walking past yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. He stopped briefly as he glanced down at your curled up form under the confines of the sleeping bag. He let his eyes gaze over to Ellie’s before he walked away. He was standing close enough to both of your sleeping bags to shield you if needed. Now that he was forced awake, his mind had the free rein to tear him up even more than he had already felt.

Ellie was the first to wake up while Joel was still on watch. She slowly sat up from the warm confines of her sleeping bag. She hadn’t noticed Joel at first as she was still in a sleepy state and her body was still waking up. She rubbed the eye crusties away with a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head. There was a slight chill in the fresh morning air and she was immediately reaching for her jacket to block out the chill. She zoned in on the sound of a twig snapping and her head snapped towards where the noise was emitting from. She let out a visible sigh of relief when she realized it was just Joel. “Morning.” She mumbled quietly as she stood up.

Joel let out a deep sigh, his jaw clenching as he looked over at the teenager. “Mornin.’” He mumbled back.

Ellie hesitantly walked towards him as she slipped her jacket on and shoved her hands in the worn pockets for extra warmth. She glanced towards your sleeping bag where you were still fast asleep. “Should we wake her up?”

“No.” He shook his head. “She’s been through enough. We’ll just let her sleep a little longer. It’s the least I can do for her. Are..you hungry?”

Ellie was tugging on a loose thread inside her jacket pocket absentmindedly. She looked over at Joel and gave him a slight nod. “Yeah, I am.”

Joel reached into his own jacket pocket and pulled out the last ration of his jerky and held it out to her. “Here. You can have what’s left of mine.” This was his own way of extending the figurative olive branch to her.

Ellie looked at Joel wearily. She wasn’t necessarily his biggest fan at the moment but would hating this man she barely knew, really do any good? You and Joel were the only sense of security she had now. She trusted you, but Joel? Not nearly as much. Nonetheless, she reached her hand out and grabbed the wrapped jerky. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Joel knew he was going to have to say more than that to get through to Ellie. He was going to have to try a lot harder than that.

“Listen..” He hesitated. “I know that yesterday was a lot. I know you were only tryin’ to help and stick up for Gwen, and i’m sorry for the way that I spoke to ya. You’re just a kid, and I shouldn’t have said the things I did Ellie.”

Ellie had torn off a small piece of jerky before quietly chewing it. She refused to make eye contact with him and reverted to staring off in the distance. “I don’t believe you.”

When Joel didn’t respond, Ellie took this opportunity to tell him how she really felt. “Look, I'm sorry that Tess died. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to protect her. I’m sure you wanted to throw the blame on me, right? You needed a truck battery and no one made you take me. You made the choice, but that doesn’t mean you get to blame me, or Gwen for the outcome of your choice. So don’t stand there and fucking sugar coat anything to me Joel.”

Joel was not expecting this kind of response from Ellie at all but he knew she was right. He couldn’t blame her or you for what happened to Tess. No one deserved to take the blame for her death. He knew he shouldn’t blame himself either, but he did. He was still angry at himself for not being able to do more.

“You’re right. I don’t get to blame you or Gwen for my choices. Neither of you are to blame for Tess’s death. Look, all I'm askin’ is that you try and look past all that. Gwen and I can keep you safe, but it ain’t gonna work if we’re not all on the same page. You get what I'm sayin’?”

Ellie snorted under her breath at his response. “Sure. Right. Well, I don’t really have much of a choice now do I? I’m unfortunately stuck with you. Good luck getting her back man. Pretty sure its gonna take a fuckin’ miracle for her to ever forgive you.”

“Will you help me?”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Ellie quipped back.

“Cause if you wanna stay alive, and make it to the fireflies, you’re gonna need both of us to get you there.”

Ellie thought for a moment on her follow up answer. She could have the upperhand on this situation if she really wanted to.

“Fine. My one condition is that I get a gun too.”

Joel scoffed at her request and immediately shook his head. “Absolutely fuckin’ not. I ain’t givin’ a 14 year old a gun.”

Ellie shrugged with a faux sigh of disappointment. “Well, guess we don’t have a deal.”

“I’ll teach you to shoot, but you ain’t gettin’ a gun, kid.”

“Deal.” Ellie said with a small grin on her face.

You had awoken from your dreamless slumber shortly after Joel and Ellie had come to their own agreement. You were already rolling up your sleeping bag, and packing your bag. You had said good morning to Ellie, but the only acknowledgment you gave to Joel’s existence was a slight nod of your head in his direction. At least soon you would be reunited with Frank, and one of his warm bear hugs. You couldn’t wait to see him, and well..Bill too of course.

The sun was high in the sky now as the three of you walked a route that was familiar to you and Joel. You and Ellie had taken a couple detours to rescue a few butterflies. Joel couldn’t help but watch you as you carefully guided a monarch butterfly onto your finger, and placed it on a nearby milkweed plant. He saw the softness in your face, and the lightness in your eyes for a brief moment before it was gone again.

The next critters you and Ellie found were two garden snakes. Neither one of you were fearful of the creatures as you gently picked the snake up. The creature wrapped itself around your wrist lightly as you lightly stroked the top of its small scaly head. It was a nice moment that you and the teenager were able to share together. You both set the snakes down in a grassy patch and watched them slither away.

Joel took no part in any of it, but you could feel his gaze burning into the side of your face constantly.

You were telling Ellie more stories of Bill and Frank as the hike continued. Joel had found himself stopped in his tracks when he saw a purple butterfly land along your shoulder. Its wings slowly opened as it was soaking in the warmth of the sunlight. You hadn’t noticed the delicate creature using your shoulder as a perch to sunbathe on. Joel remembered the first time you and him saw a purple butterfly land on his nose two summers ago at Bill and Franks. He immediately knew it was his daughter then, and his daughter now.

His eyes stayed locked on the delicate creature as he walked close behind you. The butterfly stayed on your shoulder for a few minutes longer before fluttering away. His eyes followed the creature till he could see it no more.

“How’d you get that scar on your head?” Ellie asked, tearing him from his thoughts suddenly.

When he didn’t immediately respond, Ellie kept pressing.

“What? Is it something lame? Like you fell down the stairs or something?” She couldn’t help but be a little curious.

“I didn’t fall down any stairs, kid.”

“Okay..so what happened then?”

“Someone shot at me and missed.” He grumbled.

“See, that’s so fuckin’ cool. You shoot back?” Ellie was looking up at him now.

“Yeah.”

“Wicked. You get him?”

“No. I missed, too. It happens more often than you think.” Joel’s eyes locked on yours momentarily as you glanced over your shoulder at the pair. His and your expressions were unreadable.

“‘Cause you suck at shooting or, like in general you mean?”

“In general.” His response was gruff and he hoped to god she didn’t ask him anything else about it.

As soon as he saw her opening her mouth again, he cut her off before she could ask him another question.

“You ask a lot of goddamn questions, you know that kid?”

“Yes, I do.” Ellie responded with a cheshire cat grin.

The three of you stopped at Cumberland Farms. It was the gas station that you, Joel, and Tess would stash ammo and supplies when you were short on gear.

Ellie immediately zoned in on an old arcade game that was covered in dust in debris. She had a childlike excitement in her eyes as she started pressing all the buttons. “No way! You ever play this one? I had a friend who knew everything about this game. There’s this one character named Mileena who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth, and then she swallows you whole and barfs out your bones!” It was clear to you that the teenager was reliving a fond memory just based on her excitement. It was nice to see that the apocalypse hadn’t killed her spirit entirely.

“Ah. Oh, man. You forgot where you put your stuff.” Ellie spoke observantly as Joel was looking for the loose floorboard where the extra ammo was stashed.

“What? No. I’m just zeroin’ in on it is all. It’s been a couple years.” He grumbled.

“He doesn’t remember.” You whispered to the teenager before walking down the aisle where you knew the ammo was stashed. You had to kick some debris and other crap off of it before you got down on your knees and started to lift the floorboards. Joel had come alongside you, crouching besides you as he helped you lift the boards. Your hands brushed momentarily but you ignored him entirely as you pulled out a couple guns, packs of food, and bullet cartridges.

“Okay, well, i’m gonna take a look around, see if there’s anything good.” Ellie’s voice was distant as she was already walking towards the back of the store.

“Trust me, it’s all been picked over already.” Joel responded as he grabbed the carton of bullet cartridges from you to reload his gun.

“Maaaybe, Maybe not. Is there anything bad in here?” Ellie asked.

“Just you.” He gruffly spoke.

“Ah. Getting funnier.” You already picture Ellie’s little grin as you were reloading your own gun.

“Are you going to talk to me at all?” Joel was looking at you now. He was trying to gauge exactly where your head was at that moment and you knew it.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Joel.” You finished loading your gun before grabbing the bags of canned food and stuffed it into your backpack.

“Bullshit.”

“Can you just respect the fact that I don’t want to fucking talk to you? Stop trying to pressure me. If I wanted to talk to you then I would, but I don’t. So leave me alone.” You lowly whispered as you stood up.

“You can’t push me away forever. We have to talk eventually, Gwen.”

“I sure as hell can fucking try and push you away for as long as I see fit.” You zipped up your bag in a haste, swinging it over your shoulder.

Neither of you could hear Ellie at this point as you were both too caught up in your own emotions.

“Ellie?”

No response.

You and Joel both had your guns at the ready as you walked towards the back of the store.

“Ellie?” You and Joel called her name again. She was only gone for a few minutes. What the hell could have happened in that amount of time.

“Picked over, my ass.” The teen gleefully was holding up a box of tampons in her hand as you turned the corner.

“Don’t go fuckin’ scarin’ us like that.” Joel had lowered his gun at his side.

“Yeah, okay. Sorry.” She mumbled sheepishly.

After reloading on ammo, the three of you were back on the trail. You knew that you were nearing Bill and Franks based on the scenery. The plane wreck up along the farside of the hill, and the graves that lay ahead.

“Holy shit. You fly in one of those before Joel?” Ellie asked.

Joel glanced towards the wreckage he had seen about a dozen or so times now. “Yeah, a few times, sure. It ain’t all cracked up to what you think it is. Gettin’ shoved in a middle seat, next to either some stuffy guy, or an annoyin’ kid. Pay 12 bucks for a damn sandwich.”

“Dude, you got to go up in the sky!”

Joel sighed, adjusting the strap of his rifle on his shoulder. “Yeah, well, so did they.” He grimly responded.

“So, everything came crashing down in one day?” She was still looking towards the plane wreck. It was hard for her to look away. So many lives on that singular plane were lost. It was haunting to think about.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay..but how? I mean…no one was infected with the Cordyceps, everybody’s fine, eating in restaurants and flying in planes. Then, all at once? How the hell did it even start? Cause if you have to be bit to get infected, who bit the first person? Was it a monkey? I bet it was a monkey.”

Joel scoffed under his breath, shaking his head slightly in her direction. “It wasn’t a monkey. Didn’t you go to school? I’d think they would explain this shit to you.”

“FEDRA school. They didn’t teach us shit on how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic.”

Joel took a deep breath, a shaky inhale. He really did not want to be having this conversation right now, but he couldn’t fault Ellie on her natural curiosity. She was just a kid after all.

“Well, no one really knows for sure, but, best guess I got..Cordyceps mutated. Thinkin’ some of it got into the food supply. Probably a basic ingredient that everyone uses. Like flour, or sugar. There were certain brands of food that were sold everywhere, all across the country, across the world. Bread, cereal…pancake mix. So, you eat enough of it, it’ll get you infected. So the tainted food hits all the store shelves around the same time, Thursday. People bought it, ate some Thursday night, or Friday morning. Day goes on..they started gettin’ sick. By the afternoon, evenin’, they got worse. Then they started bitin’. Friday night, September 26, 2003. By Monday, everything was gone.

Silence fell between Joel and Ellie, and you could tell that Joel’s mind was reeling now. You weren’t looking back at him, but you just had a feeling that he was picking at his cuticles to distract himself. You weren’t there to hold his hand.

Once you were nearing the gravesite, Joel had gently grabbed Ellie’s forearm to hold her back. “Hang on just a minute, kid. I don’t want you goin’ up there. We’re gonna cut through the woods.”

Ellie looked up at him before her gaze fell on you. “Wait, isn’t the road easier?”

“Yeah, it’s just…There’s stuff up there that you shouldn’t see.” Joel was honest. He remembered the first time you saw the gravesite. Your reaction was the same as Tess’s but it hurt him 10x more to see you sob for the innocent lives taken.

“Well, now I have to see. It can’t be that bad, right?”

“Ellie. I don’t want you too. I’m tryin’ to protect you. I’m serious.” Joel was stern with his tone. He really did not want her seeing those kinds of horrors.

“Can it hurt me?”

“No. That ain’t the point though. I don’t want you seein’ it.” He let out a defeated sigh when the teen had slipped her wrist from his grasp and was already walking ahead.

“You’re too honest, man. Should’ve said it was an axe murderer or something. Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger, Jason. That would have scared me, maybe.” She had come to a sudden stop when she stumbled upon the gravesite. “Uh…whatever it was…think it’s gone.” She looked over her shoulder at you and Joel.

“About a week after Outbreak Day, soldiers…went through the countryside, evacuated the small towns. Said you were goin’ to a QZ, and you were…if there was room. If there wasn’t…”

You were standing alongside him now, fingers twitching at your side. It was taking all the willpower you had left to not reach out and grab his hand.

“These people weren’t sick?”

“No, probably not.” Joel turned his head slightly to look at you. His eyes casted down to your hand, he watched your fingers twitch and he ever so slightly extended his hand towards you hesitantly.

“Why kill them? Why didn’t they just leave ‘em be?” Ellie looked between the two of you.

You finally met his gaze when he had outstretched his hand in your direction. Your hand did not move towards him. It stayed planted to your side.

“Dead people can’t be infected.” Joel somberly responded.

It was late afternoon when the three of you arrived at Bill and Frank's compound. Joel typed the code into the keypad and watched the metal fence creak open. As you neared their quaint home, you immediately sensed something was wrong. The flowers in the front of the white picket fence were wilted, dried up, dead. Frank never let his flowers wilt. He never would abandon them. He loved each and every one of his plants–oh god.

Joel was already reaching for your arm on instinct to hold you back. He knew whatever laid behind that door was not good. He wanted to protect you from it, shield you from the truth that laid within. He couldn’t because you were too quick, too determined as you slipped your wrist out of his grasp and ran up the steps. Your gun was drawn as you pushed open the door quietly.

“Bill?..”

“Frank?..”

“Oh god, please. No. No. No. Bill?! Frank?!” You observed the front entryway that you had passed through so many times. You saw the flies buzzing on the dining room table. There were two plates of rotting food. For how long? You were unsure, but based on the flies, it had to have been days, weeks even.

They could not be dead. Not your Frank. He was not dead. You desperately tried to convince yourself as you frantically called their names, over and over again.

“BILL?!

“FRANK?!” Your voice cracked as you neared their bedroom door, your hand was grasped around the handle but before you could push open the door, Joel was grabbing you, his arms were around your waist protectively and that's all you needed to finally break down and sob. They were dead. Your friends were fucking dead behind that door.

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GET OFF OF ME JOEL!” You let out a wail as you turned around in his arms and frantically pushed and punched his chest. “GET OFF OF ME!”

Joel felt his heart twist painfully in his chest as you fought against him. He was holding himself together as best as he could as you cried for your dead friends. “Gwen. Gwen. Baby, please please please stop fighting me. Please! I’m so sorry–”

You broke free of his loose grip as you collapsed down to your knees. Your own arms wrapped around your shaking frame as you let out heavy, heart wrenching sobs. Your vision was blurred by salty tears as you completely caved in on yourself.

Joel was frozen on the spot, his expression stoic, and unreadable. He didn’t know what the fuck to do. What could he do? Bill and Frank were dead. They were dead and he couldn’t comfort you the way he so desperately wanted.

Ellie had watched the whole thing go down from the open doorway. She brought her hand up to her face when she watched you collapse to the floor in a heap of sobs. She pushed herself past Joel before sinking down to her own knees. Suddenly, her arms were around you, she was hugging you tightly, doing her best to try and comfort you.

You only sobbed harder. A bone chilling wail slipped past your cracked lips as you struggled to breathe. Your senses were on overdrive. You were panicking, and Joel recognized it immediately. He was gently grasping Ellie’s shoulders in his trembling palms. “Ellie, move. Please. She needs room to breathe.” He spoke gently to her, easing the teen up from the floor before he sank down to his knees in front of you.

You vaguely could feel his rough palms grasping your tear stained cheeks in a feather light hold. Your ears were ringing, lungs on fire. Joel’s voice sounded muffled and far away. Your head felt dizzy, you swore you were seeing stars behind your eyes as the color drained from your face completely. You had gone sheet white, like a ghost. Heart thrumming rapidly against your ribcage.

“Gwen? Hey..baby. Listen to me, alright? I need you to take some deep breaths for me okay? Deep breaths. Ready? I’ll do them with you.” His tone was soft, tender, and reassuring.

Joel took a deep lungful of air, his eyes never leaving yours as you followed with a deep shaky inhale. You did this a few more times together, and he watched in relief when the color slowly returned to your face.

As soon as you were in a conscious state, you were pushing him away again, far away as your body trembled from shock.

Ellie was close by. She was holding a piece of paper between her fingers. A letter from Bill.

“Read it, Please Ellie.” You whispered.

“Read it.” Joel gave her a small nod of encouragement as he rose to his feet.

August 29th, 2023

“To whomever…but probably Joel.. If you find this…please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it would probably be a sight. I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway…I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends…almost. And I respect you. So, I'm gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…Gwen safe, until such time as you and she decide you’ve had enough. At that point, I recommend pairing 40 Vicodins with a nice Brunello.”

Bill

Suicide.

Bill and Frank died together. In one another’s arms. A poetic death for two people who found love in the apocalypse.

Joel had grabbed the letter from her and quietly folded it up before slipping it into his pocket. He wanted to mourn the death of his friends but now was not the time. He had a job to do, like Bill had said. He had to protect you, and Ellie. That was his sole purpose, and he would be damned if he didn’t follow through with it. “Show me your arm.” He plainly requested.

Ellie looked confused momentarily before she slowly rolled up her sleeve. The bite mark on her arm hadn’t gotten worse.

“I’ve… got a brother out in Wyoming. He’s in some kind of trouble. That’s why I needed the truck battery so desperately. I gotta go out there and find him. He used to be a Firefly, and my guess is he’ll know where some of them are out there. If that's the case, maybe he can get you to whatever lab this is.”

“Okay.”

“We’re gonna gather up on supplies and I'm going to get the truck battery charged up. I need you to bring her upstairs and get her in the shower. Can you do that for me, Ellie? There should be a box of women’s clothing in the closet. I’ll worry about gettin’ the supplies we need.”

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of her?”

Joel grinded his teeth together, clenching his jaw tightly. “She doesn’t want me takin’ care of her right now. She trusts you.” He stated it like it was the obvious.

“Okay.”

“One more thing, there’s some rules you gotta follow. Rule one, don’t bring up Tess. Ever. Matter of fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves. Rule two, you don’t tell anyone about…your condition. They see that bite mark, they won’t think it through. They’ll just shoot you. Rule three, you do what I say when I say it. We clear?”

“Yes.” Ellie responded.

“Repeat it.” He requested.

“What you say goes.”

Joel gave the teen a small nod before he was glancing down at your position on the floor. Your knees were pulled up to your chest, and your eyes were glazed over in a dead stare. Once Joel’s heavy boots could no longer be heard along the hardwood, Ellie slowly crouched down in front of you.

“Gwen?”

Your eyes flitted over to hers in acknowledgment.

“Joel wants me to get you in the shower. Do you need help getting up?”

You shook your head before slowly pulling yourself up to your feet. You led the way upstairs, pushing back the wonderful memories you shared in this home to the deep part of your brain.

Joel was grabbing you then, grasping your hips as he pulled you flush against his chest. His hand that wasn’t holding you firmly came up to your face, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “What was that about me bein’ pretty awful? I heard that correctly, didn’t I?” His tone was low, teasing.

You immediately brought your arms around his neck and threaded your fingers through his soft curls. “That was nothing, honey. I was just joking. You’re far from awful.”

Before he could steal a kiss, you were slipping out of his grasp like the little tease you were. You had a smirk spread across your lips as you leaned against the doorway. “C’mon, we’re not gonna spend all day up here okay? We’ll have all night for that Joel.” You shot him a wink before slipping past the door and headed back downstairs.

“Gwen?” Ellie was standing alongside you as you stopped in front of the guest room that you and Joel spent a lot of time together in.

“What? I’m…sorry. A lot of memories here. C’mon.” You walked further down the hall and entered a different room. Ellie could only watch as you quietly walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind you. Even after she heard the shower turn on, she sat against the closed door waiting for you.

As the water streamed down your body, washing away dirt, grime, filth, and blood from your body, more memories seeped through the cracks. Silent sobs slipped past your parted lips. You brought your hand up to your mouth to hide the sound of your cries.

He surprised you then, reaching for your hand before he helped you up from the couch gently.

“Dance with me?”

“I never thought you’d ask, cowboy.” You took his hand then as he helped you up. You were a little unsteady on your feet, while his free hand was gently splayed across your lower back as he pulled you into chest, holding you as close as he physically could. Your hearts were practically intertwined as he slowly started to sway with you. Your fingers were interlocked between his other hand while you brought your freehand to his shoulder, playing with the worn fabric of his flannel gently. He dipped his head down slightly, his forehead resting against yours. His warm brown eyes, locked on yours. You continued to slowly sway, taking in this private moment as he whispered the lyrics lowly between you. His voice was warm, inviting, deep and it settled within your bones. “I had the last waltz with you. Two lonely people together. I fell in love with you..the last waltz should last forever..”

He kissed you then. Closing the small gap between you finally. You didn’t even pull away as the record crackled as the song came to an impending end. You continued to kiss him, tasting the sweet wine on his tongue. His breath hitching, his fingers tightening along the exposed sliver of skin of your lower back. You breathed him in, letting his kiss settle deep within your soul.

You scrubbed your skin raw as the scalding water burned. You welcomed the pain without a fuss.

Ellie had stood up once she heard the water turn off and she moved away from the door when it opened. Your eyes were still bloodshot but at least you clean now.

“There should still be some hot water left. Take your time.” You walked past her, going to the closet to pull down the box of women, and men’s clothes that were stored there.

You set out fresh clothes for Ellie and grabbed a new flannel for Joel. You recognized it as Frank’s immediately. You clutched the fabric tightly to your chest, squeezing your eyes shut tightly.

Joel was busying himself in the garage. He was attaching the battery to Bill’s truck and he hoped to god the engine would run. He wiped the sweat beading along his forehead with the back of his hand. Letting out a heavy sigh as his mind drifted to the memories he shared here with his friends, and you.

“Joel, honey?..” you spoke softly through the warm breeze.

“Hmm?” He mumbled softly, blinking a few times as he tilted his head forward once more and looked at the wildflower crown between your fingers. “Oh, that’s beautiful sugar. You want me to put it on you?”

You turned your head slightly so you could look at him. “I was gonna ask if I could put it on you.”

“Oh? No baby, it’ll look beautiful on you. It’ll look silly on me.”

“No it won’t, Joel. You’ll look handsome, I promise.”

How could he really say no to you? Especially when you looked so carefree, so happy. It was just a little flower crown after all. Maybe he wouldn’t end up looking silly.

“Oh, alright. Go ahead. Lay it on me” he watched as you gently lowered the flower crown on top of his soft curls. Your smile was so soft, so beautiful.

“So, how do I look? Still ruggedly handsome?”

You nodded and brushed your fingers against his jaw gently. “No, you look beautiful Joel.”

He slammed the hood of the truck shut, cursing under his breath before he kicked at the tire with his worn boot.

You grabbed one of his hands then and brought it up to your lips, pressing a kiss to his palm before interlocking your fingers with his. “I know honey, I got you, you got me. It’s okay. Please, don’t make me beg you.”

“You got me, I got you.” He let out a puff of air against the back of your neck as he slipped his legs between yours. He let his free hand, that wasn’t grasped between your fingers, grab ahold of himself before he gently, and slowly slipped himself between your slick, warm folds.

“I love you.” you whispered quietly. You were unsure if your confession was due to all the wine you consumed. Or if it was your sober thoughts, coming out in drunk words, or a mix of both.

“I love you, always.” He whispered back, tightening his hold around your waist, smiling against your soft skin when he felt your lips brush against his knuckles.

“God fucking dammit. Fuck.” He let out a pained groan, running his fingers through his hair, gripping the tendrils tightly. It physically brought him pain knowing that you were suffering upstairs. Fuck this world. Fuck the cordyceps. Fuck it all.

Joel passed you on your way down the stairs, you wordlessly tossed the flannel in his direction. Your shoulders brushed slightly as you slipped past him. You sat outside in the familiar field of wildflowers.

It felt like hours had passed by the time Ellie had found you and told you it was time to head out. You said a silent goodbye to your friends. To Bill, Frank, and Tess as the teen helped you up from the grassy floor.

You chose to sit in the backseat of the pickup truck while Ellie took shot-gun. It was clearly Ellie’s first time in a car as she was curiously looking around. She wasn’t even sure what Joel meant by a seatbelt, till he was reaching over and buckling her in.

“It’s like a spaceship.” She spoke in wonderment.

“No, it’s like a piece of shit Chevy S10, but it’ll get us there…I think.” Joel responded, glancing back at you in the rearview mirror. He put the truck in reverse, saying a silent goodbye to Bill and Frank before driving out of the compound.

A tape in the truck started to play, “Long Long Time” by Linda Ronstadt.

You and Joel locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked away.

Joel drove a few miles but as night was steadfast approaching, he found a quiet part in the forest to make camp for the night.

Ellie was fast asleep in her own sleeping bag, and you and Joel were sitting far away from one another.

Your mind had gone numb as you clutched a bottle of red wine in your grasp. A bottle of Brunello, just as Bill had suggested. You tipped the bottle to the stars shining above, thanking Bill and Frank for being in your life before you took a sip. The wine burned down your raw throat, but you appreciated the warmth that settled in your stomach.

You looked over your shoulder at Joel, who was sitting up on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you, Shoulders slumped inwards. You weren’t sure what exactly came over you, or why you suddenly were walking towards him, but it was too late to turn back.

You slowly sank down on the sleeping bag beside him. Shoulders brushing, knees touching. You were holding the bottle outstretched to him. Perhaps this was your own way of extending the olive branch. Or, you were simply seeking comfort in the only way you knew.

Joel wordlessly took the bottle from you, his fingers brushing yours. He tipped the rim of the bottle back, taking a long sip before he set it down between his knees.

“Joel.” You whispered with uncertainty laced in your tone.

“Gwen.” He croaked out.

“Please. Please make the pain go away. Please, Joel. I’m begging you.” You confessed, eyes glassy, lips trembling.

Joel inhaled a shaky breath, slowly turning his chin in your direction so he could meet your gaze. “How can I make the pain go away, my sweet girl.” he whispered.

You were reaching for the bottle between his knees, grasping it before you took another swig. You set the bottle on the side before you were grabbing his hands, interlocking your fingers together. “Please don’t make me say it.” You pleaded with him.

Joel instinctively scooted himself closer to you. You could feel his warm breath fanning your cheeks. You could feel his heartbeat thrumming in his chest. “I’ll make the pain go away. Okay baby? I’ll make it go away.” He promised you.

Your eyes fluttered shut when you felt his nose lightly brush against yours. You could taste the wine on his breath. He had given your hands a reassuring squeeze as he closed the small gap between you. This was a kiss you had never shared with him. Equally desperate, equally broken. Two people, two survivors, falling back on the one thing they knew could heal them. Joel kissed you slow, deep, tenderly. His hands had left yours only to gently cup your face in his warm palms. When he felt your tears freely fall, he gently brushed them away. “Shh. You’re okay. You’re okay Gwen. I got you. You’re safe. I’m here.” He whispered against your lips, tasting your salty tears and residue of wine on his tongue.

He slowly coaxed you into his lap, pulling the sleeping bag around both of your bodies. Concealing yourselves from the forest. His lips never left yours as he gently pushed your pants past your hips along with your panties. His own jeans were pushed past his thighs. You pushed his flannel down his arms before pulling his shirt over his head. You were both desperate for skin to skin contact. Your bodies craved to be as close as possible. Your own shirt was soon discarded as your chests were pressed flush together.

Joel’s arms were tightly wound around your body, your arms mirrored his own. You were hugging each other tightly, nails scraping against scarred skin as he slowly jutted his hips into yours. Harsh inhale, shaky exhale, breaths mingling. He fucked into you slow, deep. He pulled, you pushed. Tears streamed down your faces as you made broken love to each other. Salt mixed with saliva. Whimpers, broken moans were devoured endlessly. “I got you, you got me.” He whispered. “You got me, I got you.” You whispered back, completing your oath to one another.

You clenched, he twitched. Your bodies trembled as you came undone around each other. He stilled inside of you, holding you close as he pressed feather light kisses all over your face before he was resting his sweaty forehead against yours. Neither of you moved as he went soft inside of you. The idea of breaking the connection between your two entwined bodies was not an option. Neither of you could stomach it.

“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I need you by my side. I can’t do this on my own. I’m incapable without you. I understand if you want to leave, and I won’t try and stop you if you do. I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please stay.” Joel finally spoke through the darkness. His eyes were searching yours. This was his final plea to you.

There was so much you wanted to say. It was on the tip of your tongue, teetering over the edge as your fingers threaded themselves into his sweat soaked hair.

“I’m not going anywhere, cowboy.”

Please don’t hurt me again.

Tag list: @chaotic-mystery @peterhollandkait @yuly@soft-cryptids @dinsdjrn @myrealmofchaos @itskenziebb @lovers-liability @korynnekorynne @ems-alexandra @kirsteng42 @casssiopeia @novemberrain-writes @goodwithcheese @loquaciousferret @sarahhxx03 @777-wonders @bonglorddaryl @mirasantidotes @luvrking @finnsbubblegum @atinylittlepain @last-girl @pedrostories @yazsos @pedgeitopascal @wildemaven

[grandvhs]

lista de nomes masculinos que estava no meu bloco de notas e eu só lembrei agora

starting with A ;;

aaron.

adair.

adam.

aiden.

ajax.

alec.

alfie.

allistar.

anderson.

andrew.

andy.

angus.

antonio.

anthony.

archer.

archibald.

archie.

aries.

arlo.

arthur.

ashley.

ashton.

austen.

avery.

axel.

starting with B ;;

bailey.

beau.

beckham.

beckett.

bellamy.

benjamin.

bennett.

bentley.

blade.

blake.

blaine.

blaise.

blue.

bobbie.

bodhi.

brad.

brandon.

braxton.

brayden.

brent.

brett.

brock.

brody.

brooke.

bryson.

starting with C ;;

caleb.

callum.

calvin.

cameron.

carlisle.

carlos.

carson.

carter.

casey.

chad.

chandler.

charlie.

chase.

chaz.

christian.

christopher.

cody.

colby.

cole.

cooper.

colton.

connor.

conrad.

corbin.

corey.

starting with D ;;

dakota.

dallas.

damien.

damon.

dante.

darian.

darron.

darryl.

david.

dawson.

declan.

demetri.

dennison.

denver.

derek.

diego.

diesel.

dimitri.

dixon.

dominic.

donovan.

drake.

drew.

dustin.

dwayne.

starting with E ;;

eason.

eaton.

eddy.

edmund.

edward.

elijah.

elior.

ellias.

elliot.

ellis.

elyas.

ember.

emerson.

emery.

emilio.

emmett.

enzo.

eric.

ernie.

ethan.

ethaniel.

evan.

everett.

everson.

ezar.

starting with F ;;

fabio.

fallon.

farah.

felix.

fernando.

ferris.

felton.

finn.

finnegan.

finnick.

fitz.

fitzgerald.

fletcher.

floyd.

flynn.

foley.

forest.

francisco.

franco.

frankie.

franklin.

fraser.

frasier.

freddie.

fredrik.

starting with G ;;

gabe.

gabriel.

gale.

gallagher.

garcia.

gareth.

garrett.

gary.

gavin.

gene.

george.

gerard.

gilbert.

giovanni.

glenn.

gordon.

grady.

graeme.

grant.

greggory.

gregor.

greyson.

griffin.

gus.

guy.

starting with H ;;

hadley.

hale.

haley.

hamilton.

hamish.

hansel.

harley.

harris.

harrison.

harry.

harvey.

haven.

hayes.

heath.

hector.

hendrix.

henrik.

henry.

holton.

howard.

hudson.

hugh.

hugo.

hunter.

hyde.

starting with I ;;

ian.

ibrahim.

icarius.

idris.

igor.

iman.

immanuel.

imran.

indi.

indiana.

indigo.

indra.

inrique.

irwin.

isaak.

isaiah.

isaias.

ishmael.

isobell.

israel.

ivan.

ivey.

ivor.

ivory.

izzy.

starting with J ;;

jack.

jacob.

jagger.

jai.

james.

jamie.

jason.

jaspar.

jaxon.

jaydon.

jed.

jeremy.

jesse.

jett.

joel.

jameson.

jonathon.

jordan.

jose.

joseph.

joshua.

jude.

julian.

junior.

justin.

starting with K ;;

kade.

kai.

kalen.

kameron.

kane.

kasey.

kayden.

keaton.

keegan.

keenan.

kellan.

kendall.

kendrick.

kevin.

khalil.

kian.

kiefer.

kieran.

kingsley.

kingston.

klaus.

kohen.

konrad.

kristoff.

kyle.

starting with L ;;

lachlan.

lamar.

lambert.

lance.

landon.

langston.

lawrence.

lawson.

leeroy.

lennon.

leo.

leonardo.

levi.

lewis.

liam.

lincoln.

lionel.

logan.

lorenzo.

louis.

luca.

lucas.

lucky.

lucis.

luke.

starting with M ;;

mackenzie.

madden.

maddox.

malaki.

malcolm.

manuel.

marco.

marcus.

marley.

marshall.

martin.

mason.

matteo.

matthew.

max.

micah.

michael.

miguel.

mike.

miles.

miller.

milo.

mitchell.

morgan.

moses

starting with N ;;

nadir.

naiser.

nasir.

nate.

nathan.

nathaniel.

naveen.

naydon.

ned.

nico.

neil.

nelson.

nero.

nicholai.

nicholas.

nila.

niles.

nixon.

noah.

noel.

nolan.

norman.

north.

nylan.

nyle.

starting with O ;;

oakley.

ocean.

octavius.

odell.

olaf.

oliver.

ollie.

omar.

omari.

orion.

orlando.

osborn.

oscar.

o’shea.

osten.

oswald.

otis.

otto.

owen.

oxley.

starting with P ;;

pablo.

page.

palmer.

parker.

parrish.

patrick.

paul.

paulo.

pax.

paxton.

payton.

penn.

percy.

perry.

peter.

phineas.

phoenix.

pierce.

pierre.

prescott.

presley.

preston.

prince.

princeton.

puck.

starting with Q ;;

qadim.

qadir.

quain.

quenby.

quill.

quimby.

quincy.

quinn.

quinten.

starting with R ;;

randy.

raymond.

reese.

reid.

remy.

reuben.

rhett.

rhys.

richard.

richie.

ricky.

riley.

robert.

robin.

roger.

roman.

romeo.

ronan.

ronnie.

ross.

rowen.

ryan.

ryder.

ryker.

rylan.

starting with S ;;

sage.

sailor.

salem.

samson.

samuel.

sascha.

sawyer.

saxon.

scott.

sean.

sebastian.

seth.

shane.

shiloh.

simon.

sinclair.

skyler.

sonny.

spencer.

stanley.

stefan.

steven.

stevie.

storm.

sullivan.

starting with T ;;

tamir.

tanner.

tate/tait.

tatum.

taylor.

teddy.

theo.

thomas.

timothy.

tobias.

toby.

todd.

tommy.

tory.

trace.

travis.

trent.

trevor.

trey.

tristan.

troye.

tucker.

tyler.

tyrone.

tyson.

starting with U ;;

umair.

umar.

urien.

usama.

starting with V ;;

valentine.

valentino.

vance.

vaughn.

victor.

vincent.

vinn.

vinnie.

vladimir.

starting with W ;;

wade.

walden.

wallace.

walter.

warner.

warren.

warrick.

waylan.

wayne.

wendall.

wes.

wesley.

west.

whitley.

wilbert.

william.

willis.

wilmer.

windsor.

winslow.

winston.

wolf.

wren.

wyatt.

wynter.

starting with X ;;

xachary.

xan.

xander.

xavier.

xeno.

ximen.

xylon.

starting with Y ;;

yahto.

yakub.

yasin.

yasi.

york.

ysrael.

yuri.

yusef.

starting with Z ;;

zachary.

zahir.

zander.

zane.

zavier.

zed.

zeke.

zion.

zolten.