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arthurflecksgirl · 4 years

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Hello 💖

May I please have Arthur x Reader? They get into a fight and reader is so stressed that they get overheated and ends up passing out? Like their pulse is fast and out cold for a few hours. Thanks chu 💫✨⭐

Hiiiii hun, I missed you! ❤ Of course. Its always a pleasure. Here is the result and I reallyyyyyyy hope you like it.❤

Arthurs hand in yours felt warm and familar. It was the only thing to hold onto in this cold, dark world, especially here in Gotham city. Walking through those crowded streets usually wasnt fun. But today he was by your side. The two of you together. Hand in hand. There was nothing in this world you needed more. Even though it was just a regular day, there was that moment of pure happiness.

You just came back from Arthurs appointment with his new therapist and she seemed so much nicer than Dr Kane. She even allowed you to be present for the whole time, because Arthur was more than nervous about meeting her for the first time. He didnt had any good experience with his former ones. Arthur wished for someone to listen. Now that he was with you, he always had someone to talk to. But he still wanted to go to therapy, he wanted to get better and he needed to go there,to get his meds.

Arthur was very toughtful with his medication. Sometimes he took one more pill in the hope to find some sleep, but besides that he was trying his best to take his meds like he should. He knew it was important to talk about his thoughts and he felt the need to do so.

The new doctor seemed nice and asked him to start a brand new journal. She thought it was time to let the old diary go. It was nothing more but bad memories of loneliness and with you on his side, his lonely times were finally over . Arthur smiled when Dr. Tyler told him so. He liked the idea of a new journal. So you both went into the city to get him a new one.

Arthur sqeezed your hand while he held his new diary with the other. It was dark red, his fave color. "I`ve got lots and lots of blank pages now" he said.

"Yes, I bet they will be filled with some new jokes tonight?" you blinked at him, which almost made him blush. It was so easy to make him blush. He was so innocent at heart.

"Nahh I think I will write some poetry tonight, especially for you."

"Oh Artie, you`re the sweetest"

"Dont say that before you read the poems" he laughed.

"I know they`re going to be beautiful"

He pressed his new diary to his chest "I dont know....sometimes I think I`m not good with words. I mean, besides from joking. Its hard to put my feelings into words. Especially love. I mean. I feel it. I feel so much of it. Too much actually. Its so much it feels like the words and letters are too tiney to fit all these emotions in them because the emotions are like....endless... and....." he looked at you and noticed the grin on your face "See? Thats what I mean. I am not good in this. At all."

"It was actually pretty impressive".

A shy smile crossed his thin lips "Thank you, honey".

You felt happy for him. Arthur appriciated the little things in life. Like holding hands or a brand new journal. A poem.

Life in Gotham was often overwhelming but hand in hand you both created your own little world. You made the universe as small as you wanted to.

You just crossed the street as you noticed a very small man being kicked by a puff looking dude. Arthur immediately noticed. He knew these kinda situations too well.

"Arthur look, what is happening over there?"

He let go of your hand and ran up to them "Oh my god, thats Gary!"

He was a fast runner and it was almost impossible to be as fast as he. The traffic got in the way and for a second he was out of sight.

"Arthur?!"

He waved for you to come over.

He was kneeing down at Garys "Gary, my god, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" His workmate tried to get up "Its okay Art, I think I`m fine. Maybe a broken a bone or two".

"You are joking right?" Arthur seemed confused. Sometimes he couldnt tell if someone made a joke or not.

"His bones are not the only ones getting broken today" the muscular guy laughed.

"Excuse me, what?" Arthur got up but not before making sure Gary was able to walk.

"You heard me, you clown. Thats what you both are, right? Fucking clowns. I saw you working for HaHas."

Arthur took a step closer "So what?"

You took his hand "Arthur , I think we should go home right now"

Gary was standing right next to you, holding his arm, a painful look on his face.

Arthur focused the stranger "No. I mean, my friend was just attacked by this guy and I really want to know why".

A cruel smile formed on the attackers face "Because I felt like it, clown boy. I mean look at this freak" he pointed at Gary.

There was something in Arthurs eyes you havent seen before "Dont ever call him a freak again. He is my friend!"

"Awwwww" the tall guy yelled "Sweet" and just as he said so, he punshed Artthur in the face. Bloods of drop dripped down his nose.

"Ohhh clwon boy got a red nose. How tragic!"

Your touched Arthurs cheek "Oh my god, are you okay? Baby?"

The attacker couldnt stop laughing "Baby! Hahaha. Yeah . Thats what he is" and his fist punshed Arthur right into the stomach. Arthur fell down on his knees, bending forward from pain. Gary whimpering in the background. This was all too much.

Arthur pulled his gun.

The stranger took two steps back "Calm down, pal."

"Leave now or you will see what clown boy can do" Arthur coughed while the blood was running down his nose.

"Arthur, don`t. He`s not worth it" Gary cried behind you.

You almost forgot how crowded this street was. But no one seemed to notice. No one ever seemed to care here in Gotham city.

The attacker turned around and ran away. Arthurs gun disappeared in his pocket.

Watching him pulling out his gun was too much for you. You almost thought he would do something.

"Arthur you almost...." you felt the heat floathing your body. It was uncomfortable.

"No, I didnt. I only wanted to scare him. Its not even loaded."

His words should have camled you down but it was already to late for that. Your pulse was racing from stress. And the moment Arthur took you in his arms , your vision started to blurr.

The next thing you remembered was waking up on Arthurs couch. His huge, green blanket covering your whole body.

Arthurs curls tickeling your nose. The familiar smell of Prell shampoo and his cigarettes.

You were home.

How did you got here?

You tried to recall what happened.

Gary.

There was an attacker and Arthur got into a fight with him.

You tried to remember more but everything seemed like a dream you forgot the minute you woke up.

"Darling?" you said with a sleepy voice while you felt Arthurs arms tight around your body.

"I`m here, Y/N. I`m right here. You are home. Everything is okay."

"I cant remember...what happened....is Gary okay,too?"

"He is" Arthur whispered into your ear. You now noticed that quiet music was playing in the background.

He kissed into your hair "He got away with some scratches."

You turned your head to face him "You`re nose is hurt" you kissed the tip of his nose.

"Thats....nothing. I`ll be fine. The most important thing is how you feel. You passed out. "

"Ohh....thats why I cant remember anything...this happenes when I get stressed out".

Arthur stroke your hair "I`m so sorry, its my fault.I should`t have pulled out that fucking gun".

"You only wanted to protect Gary "

"Yeah...."

"Dont blame yourself,Arthur. " you rested your head on his chest "I cant even remember you bringing me home. "

"I carried you all the way home. You coudln`t walk."

"Oh my god..."

He pulled you even closer "Tell me if there is anything I can do...."

"Just hold me....and could you....could you please kiss my neck until I fall back to sleep? I feel like I need some rest...After I fell asleep you could start the first page of your journal and tomorrow you can show me the poems you wrote? That would be nice."

"Of course darling" Arthur placed his smirk right on the spot he knew so well, placing one kiss after another, one as gentle as the other.

You thought about the unwritten poetry and what he might write for you.

But for now his lips on your skin was the most beautiful poem ever written.

#joker #joaquinphoenix #arthur fleck #arthurfleck #dc #joker movie #joker 2019 #joker arthur fleck #arthur fleck imagine #joker imagine #joker fanfic #arthur fleck fanfic #joker fanfiction #arthur fleck fanfiction #arthurfleckfanfiction #joker x you #Arthur Fleck x you #Arthur Fleck x reader

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yayninjabob · 4 years

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A story behind a story

I have never wrote 100,000 words of anything in my life and 9 months ago when I first sat down to write Villain: Redux I definitely did NOT anticipate the length it would reach by the end of Part I. Now that it is done though I feel like I can talk about it. Well not really the story but the story behind the story?

A very lengthy and personal author's note for Part I: Remote Control

How I started writing again: My relationship with my writing was non existent for years. I honestly went through a very long drought where I felt like everything I created just sucked so bad and I had zero motivation for creating shit. I would talk with my therapist or my wife and friends about feeling so out of touch with my creative side and feeling pretty lost without it. Really, I pretty much felt like it was dead forever. I eventually started a personal journal again... And little drabbles here and there would come to mind... It felt alright but meh. "What did you enjoy about writing that you still feel is missing?" I was asked. Ffffffuck me I dont know. Writing as a teen and in my early twenties wasn't something I ever thought about even when I did it every damn day of my life. I guess I missed having that ongoing plot in the back of my head that I could escape to whenever life was lame. Daydreaming crazy stories as a kid was just my favorite past time and writing went with it. But I just didnt have any more stories in my head. Nothing new or exciting enough at least. Anyways. January was my dads bday. 2019 and that year my dad asked for something. Now my dad isn't one to ask for gifts. No, normally he is extremely frustrating and expects everyone to read his mind while saying "I dont care" yet if his gifts dont meet his secretive expectations he gets all butthurt and emo and says that nobody knows him. Ok but January 2019 he asks me to write him something. "What? A story? A poem? A birthday card?" "I dont care just write me something." Typical. "I dont care." Yeah right. What the hell does he expect from me jeez.... My dad was the OG storyteller in my life- real shit or bullshit- he could spin a crazy story like no one else. My uncles and his friends would sit around smoking and drinking and listening to one wild tale after the next. He could entertain people for HOURS just with the shit he’d say. I always thought he'd make a brilliant stand up comedian but my dad would just laugh at the idea. So for his gift I figured I'd retell one of his personal wild tales - his first encounter with a mountain lion at 12 during a hunting trip with my late great uncle Joe who was his adoptive father figure. Honestly my dad was always so incredibly descriptive and I heard that tale about a bazillion times growing up, and even though he hadnt shared it in probably 15+ years, it was easy to recall. I could just close my eyes and see it clear as day. I stayed loyal to his story but I used my own words. It really surprised me how easy I found those words though. Writing had been such an impossible challenge for so long yet when I finished the short story I had written 12 pages in a single afternoon and I was shocked but in a good way. It was his story so I was pretty sure he would like it. He's got a pretty big ego lol. I typed it up on the typewriter my dad had gotten me back when I was a teen and serious about becoming a "real writer." I figured he would appreciate that. I gave him the story on his birthday. He didnt read it right away. We went to the backyard and the two of us shared a joint and while I started chasing the dogs in the yard for a bit I saw he finally picked the story up. And when he finished he started crying. Which is always weird when it's your dad right? He isn't one to cry easily. Last time I saw tears in his eyes was three years prior at my wedding but even that wasnt like this. He told me "You need to write again. You need to try." But I still felt like I couldn't. I never really thought I was good at it anyway. Sure, people told me they liked my writing and it meant a lot that my dad was moved so much by my short story that I started to believe “hey maybe I can write,” but... I dunno. I had a rough idea for an original novel that I sat down with later that month and tried to work out... But it just felt forced and uninteresting. It wasnt a story my mind could just escape to effortlessly. The passion just wasnt there. After a while my wife suggested to me "Well when you retold your dad's story that was easier right? Maybe you should retell another story that you love." And so in August 2019 I sat down and wrote what would eventually become the scarring scene for Villain: Redux

Part I: Remote Control I spent the rest of August, September and October slowly falling back into my old world of Villain. I reread both Villain and VillainE for the first time in yeeeeeears. What. A. Trip. So much stood out to me that was like "Ok young me, I see where you were going but this could be so much better." I made my list of what I liked and what I wanted to change.. Constructed my outline and then I just went for it. Halloween night that year was spent finishing my first draft of chapter 1. It was still in Buttercup's limited POV. I liked it OK enough but I wondered if it would be improved if I tried third person instead. I said "fuck it why not" and went for it again but in third person, adding the beginning history of Townsville and then the opening scene with Mojo. When I finished it I was pretty amused with it and I found myself just starting right away on chapter 2 and adding even more details to my overall outline- it became a trilogy. It was flowing SO easy and for once writing didnt feel like some forced chore I was performing. The entire time though I debated whether or not to share any of it. I didn't think anyone would read it. But personally, I was falling in love with my new rendition and I really didn't want to stop writing it. So once again I said "fuck it why not" and I started this tumblr to start documenting my new commitment to rewriting Villain for good. I edited the first chapter and uploaded it a couple days before Thanksgiving. And the support I got from readers honestly made me cry haha... I really really thought the story would go unnoticed. After all, when I first started writing for the PpG fandom it was always an uphill battle and 90 percent of my first reviews were just flames and criticism. The original Villain really took a while to gain much of a readership and even though it had its moment of somewhat popularity in the fandom, that moment came after it was completed. A brief glance at the PpG section on FFnet showed me that things really hadnt changed- still 99 percent PpGxRrB romances. Man, it just seemed so unfair. I freaking love this show and TBH I will never understand the fandom's fixation on those damn Rowdyruffs. Whatever. It is what it is. But because of that and because I hadnt been an active writer in the fandom for like a decade I really thought I'd be lucky to get one review. And I did! On the first day! And I was PUMPED lol. Then over the next couple of days I got more and most from names I recognized from the past! I was so touched by some of the things you guys said, you will have no idea what those first 7 reviews meant to me. And of course the reviews to follow throughout the next chapters only continued to motivate me further. And now I'm done with Part I. Jeez what a freaking journey. I feel like I've learned a lot though and I hope that the story only improves from here. Today, this story invades my subconscious more than I would like to admit. But. It is so nice to have an exciting story to escape to once more. And I feel like I can say that my creative drive is finally restored again which feels amazing. Who knew it would be this rewrite of all things to do it. So yeah. I owe the biggest thanks to my readers (the reviewers especially), my wife, and of course my dad. I know we are just at the beginning of this story, but personally I just feel like I've accomplished more than I could've imagined already... like I said... 100,000 words is something I’ve never done before lol. And I cant wait to share the rest of the story with everyone. Anyways that’s my long soppy backstory on how I decided to rewrite Villain. Thanks for reading. :)

#writing #fanfic #behindthescenes #personal #villain #villainR #yayninjabob #PPG fandom #ppg fanfic #family

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igthebug · 5 years

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Get to know me better!

tagged by @softluvr !!!!! 💖💕💓 (thank uuu)

1. name/alias: signe (or sig)

2. birthday: dec 10

3. zodiac: sagittarius, but honestly i know next to nothing about zodiac stuff so it doesn't really mean anything to me lol

4. height: 5'2 and a half !! aka im heckin short

5. hobbies: i love to draw and paint, but im also super into journaling, sewing, and writing songs :)

6. favorite color: millenial pink and periwinkle and mustard and turquoise and forest green and peach and

7. favorite books: a tale for the time being, i'll give you the sun, and gabi: a girl in pieces are all books I've been loving lately! also i just read simon vs the homo sapiens agenda and that was super good also hehe

8. last song u listened to: luv note by chloe moriondo

9. last film u watched: i dont watch that many movies, but i saw toy story 4 with my friends a few weeks ago

10. inspiration/muse: I'm super inspired all the time by other artists i know! also real life stuff inspires me to create, like friends and life events and places I've been and nature and stuff

11. dream job: an art therapist :D

12. meaning behind your url: in middle school i went through a phase where i wanted people to call me ig instead of signe or sig. also i think bugs are neat

13. top three ships: honestly idk? at this post i dont really have ships like at all. I guess like. marinette and Adrien? and lapis and peridot? And pearl and that one punk girl at that convenience store lmao

14. chapstick of lipstick: chapstick for sure- i hate the way i look with lipstick on (fun fact)

15. currently reading: gabi, a girl in pieces

16. some people i would like to do this:

@actually--newt @browniefox @xthreeravensx @zasteroid @this-isnt-a-love-letter @mary-dono @oxidi @rainbowgaykittenchaos @ohbutwebestmakepeacewithit @thehufflepuffstuff @tintack-cobbletacks @immyself-dealwithit @friskywiggles @alex-marie1324 @ogohh @etymologay @bluefrogboots @i-suppose-ill-hang-out-here @mint-and-ink @fuzzybunnypumpkin @aeyville @themadcapmathematician @blueberry-puffin @xarva

and anyone else seeing this who wants to! idc if we're not mutuals, i just love reading abt u guys :) definitely feel free 💕

#tag games #hell yeah babey!!!!#i love these

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sylph-feather · 3 years

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new me experience update because uhh some of you care about that? Weirdos. This stuff belongs in a therapists journal i think

Man last week wAs fucking crazy ok ok

Thursday: i started the day by seeing some guy in an anonymous mask holding up a tv playing peta vegan propaganda— live chicks getting thrown into a meat grinder with the words “this is standard practice.” I think it says something to the college experience that i didnt particularly question this and kind of forgot it for a while.

Anyways then I went to my classes. Thurs is my busy day: back to back classes basically, psych, lunch, then asl, bio, and finally lab. Nothing notable happened until lab where the TA went on an amazing rant about milk, then gave us bugs to eat, and then we dissected a crayfish. The bugs were cheese & spicy flavored. They were okay. He just handed out packs of them so now i have a pack of spicy bugs. They dont taste like much (if anything they need more flavor dust) and they have an… after texture, because they’re so powdery. Anyways. I got to hold a hissing cockroach (again, ive done that before lol) and also dissect a crawdad (again? Maybe? I mean do you count eating them at a boil as dissection? I kind of dissected it then out of curiosity, but just ate all the bits.)

Anywayssss i saw a poster for halloween karaoke in the town square so some friends and i went. I biked, the 2 of them rode 1 single electric scooter— screaming at every bump, having to do a countdown at every stop light, and yelling highschool musical songs the whole way. I was dying laughing (making biking hard). we got there and the karaoke was SHIT. It was put on by the accapella group and they didnt have a tv or machine or ANYTHING they just sat in a circle and HARMONIZED or WHATEVER. Im not on glee im bad representation in a DIFFERENT way so we went and grabbed ice cream despite it being cold. I was like “oh its well lit and moderately busy so itd probably be fine if i just left my bike against the window cuz it’s well lit and generally busy, but I’ll lock it. Still im sure nobody would steal it” then literally as im saying this some guy comes and stands right behind me breathing down my neck. blatantly inspecting the bike and the lock. I stripped it of the light (the one thing of actual value) then told him “have a goodnight sir.” Then i ordered cherry garcia while watching him circle my bike like a shark and wander off into the night.

Anyways we ate our ice cream laughing about that the whole time, and then went to find a 2nd electric cycle. Because of that we got to see some fun live music in some random weirdly laid out hotel. But because we’re not 21 we had to sit just outside the bar with some old people playing yahtzee to listen. then we all went back to the dorms

Friday was rather slow… worked out and shit. Then i remembered i was invited to some ice skate thing so i did that for the first time. so after working out for an hour i had to bike 2 miles to this thing on the shittiest scariest road ever— no bike lane, dark (it was night) a narrow bumpy sidewalk with no greenway between the street and it. god. It was horrible. And we still did the 2 person electric cycle too. Then it turned out it was more like 3.5 miles of biking jesus christ. Anyways we got there eventually. My friends were good at skating, having been a figure skater & the other a hockey player. Id never been so i sucked. Fell 3x and on the 3rd time i took a guy down with me and fell backwards. After that i gave up pride and used one of those things that make you look like an old person with a walker. Nothing particularly exciting happened otherwise other than i had fun skating for like an hour and a bit, and i still suck at it <3

Either way needless to say after all that: i was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to bike 3.5 miles down hell avenue again. Buses dont run that late. First we talked to a friend with a car with a bike hitch and he wanted $15 for gas money which no fucking way. Then we were ordering an uber and just hoping it would have space for my bike. Then people one of my friends is acquaintances with was like yo you need a ride? So we rode. I rode in the trunk. We got sonic. Problem: there was no space for my bike. Solution: i took every “attachment” (basket, etc) off of it and then left it there. And prayed. Because jesus christ if it got stolen after what happened thursday… i mean it would be funny but also i think i’d have to walk into traffic on the hell road

Saturday, i woke up late and went to the movies with my friend. Caught the bus to the mall, nutsed around there since we got there like 1.5 hrs early. I bought stuff for an inosuke cosplay (yay). Then we saw venom 2. Afterwards i got on the bus, rode as close to the skate place as possible, then walked.. thank god my bike was still there, intact. Immediate next realization: i did not bring my basket. I wore the U-lock (metal U shaped bar) around my fucking neck and held the stuff i bought at the mall in my hands, and biked back 3.5 miles, fully aware that if i fell id probably die either from hell road or the stupid lock.

when i got back i spent a 30 minutes chilling and wishing i was not awake. then i went to play dnd. since waking that day i was only in my dorm for that 30 minutes. anyways then i left halfway through dnd to go try to wander around a random wildlife area looking for owls by playing owl noises. we heard one great horned. we also heard a drunk guy in the forest, singing. saw a raccoon way way high in a tree— and thought it was an owl for a hot 5 mins (because shiny eyes). yanno what else we saw? we briefly went to the wrong parking lot and 100% saw a drug deal going down

sunday my dad came to visit. It wasnt hectic but we walked around a ton and by the end of the weekend i was ready to lay down and sleep for 1,000 years.

anyways thank god my bike wasnt stolen imagine having to explain ANY of this shit to my parents

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badword · 7 years

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do all the odds :~)

ur crazy for this shit1. Is a kiss considered cheating?uh ya i think so3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?shapeshifting duhh5. Tell us some funny drunk story.apparently when i was drunk a few months ago i befriended a girl i had just met and forced her to promise to watch forrest gump with me and i have no recollection of this7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? stabbed/murdered in general9. Do you like someone?uhh i mean kinda. i have small crushes on a few ppl rn but nothing big!11. Do you like your body?no i hate it 13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?this is such a big q, i guess id promote my art idk tht seems boring15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?begetals. i love a good veggie17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?i only ever spend my money on my friends and food19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?elizabeth said it like the other day but she says it all thw time, besides that probably never tbh21. Do you keep a journal?i make a lot of lists of things which is similar, i also keep a sketchbook but not a real journal i guess23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?i dont understand the question and i wont respond to it25. Are grades in school important?umm artistically i wanna say no27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?i watched american psycho again last night and it always leaves me absolutely shaken because its an amazing movie. also when i saw 2001 a space odyssey i like couldnt even speak after it was so good!! for books: misery by stephen king29. Dumbest lie you ever told? god i dont even know i lie about dumb shit constantly but its mostly just small stuff its never rly gotten me in trouble31. Something you did and you are proud of?got a REAL job designing logos for a business :))))) im really excited33. Something you are good at?this is hard to answer honestly. im pretty good at art but not lately35. How are you feeling right now?nauseous mostly. a bit depressed37. What do you need to be happy?the thing that makes me the happiest is spending time with my friends that i love39. What was the last gift you received?someone made me a friendship bracelet41. What was the last concert you went to?saw twin peaks at taste of chicago :-) and LOVED it43. Who inspires you?my dad45. How old were you when you first got high?ripe age of 1647. When was your first kiss?the day after my 8th grade graduation49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?i regret a pretty big chunk of stuff from my past but most recent big one is letting this horrible person fuck me over badly and KNOWINGLY51. Who are you most comfortable around?my closest friends53. What kind of books do you read?sci-fi/fantasy mostly!! but i also love a few realistic fiction books55. What is your favourite flower?poppies i think57. What kind of people are you attracted to?this q is pretty vague but nice and funny people. nice is essential59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?i fucking hate mushrooms61. Something you find romantic?its SO easy to be romantic to me like just going out of the way to think of me is like the number one thing to make me fall instantly in love63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?i love girls theres nothing every girl does that bothers me65. What are you saving money for?moving out asap67. Are you actually a good person? Why?tough. im chaotic neutral and very much so, im rly good to people i care about but anyone who makes me upset i treat them like shit with no remorse69. Have you ever done anything illegal?i KNOW a cop is reading this. i uhhh decline 2 answerjust kiddin ive done the usual illegal stuff. drugs and alc and some small time crimes71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?ya and i havent really regretted any of the times that i have73. Have you ever cheated on someone?nope i would rather die75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! i go on tumble dot com once a week at most77. Favourite TV series?the office, psych, twin peaks79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?the last book i actually finished was misery by stephen king and it was VERY impressive and i would recommend it to anyone who likes horror/thrillers81. How long have you been on Tumblr?since 2012. god83. McDonalds or Subway?subway is disgusting and expensive. mcd85. Alcohol or drugs?im typically more of an alc guy87. Meaning behind your blog name?its my one personality trait and my age89. Last time you were insulted?my therapist told me my haircut was ugly today but it was indirect91. Perfect date idea?perfect date idea is someone taking me on a date. but uhh idk a picnic at night with some good music would be so ideal93. What colour are the walls in your room?yucky purple color that i hate with some painted over areas in random colors95. Share your favourite quote.quote from man stabbed: "what are you going to do, stab me?"97. Do you like horror movies?love! them! but its hard to find good ones i feel like99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?i feel incredibly lucky that i know the most amazing people and that they are my friends

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isempiterna · 7 years

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REALLY LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES. Repost, don’t reblog! tag 10 ! good luck! TAGGED. @starryeyecl TAGGING. who of my followers haven’t been tagged yet, I tag u

GOTTA DO BOTH GIRLS CAUSE I LOVE OVERSHARING INFORMATION !!!!

the following information is for the verse YELLOW ROSE. information differs by a little or a lot depending on verse

FULL NAME: Lark Maureen Tempest ∬ Sparrow Grace Weave NICKNAME // ALIAS: HILARIOUS STORY TIME Lark used to introduce herself all the time as “Lark, but you can call me Temmy if you want” and nobody would call her Temmy sdhfdskfslhf ∬ one of her friends calls her Spar sometimes AGE: 26 ∬ 20 BIRTHDAY: November 26 (1991) ∬ February 20 (1997) ETHNIC GROUP: European mix (Irish-French, German-Polish-Danish) ∬ European mix ? (Irish-French, British-Indian) NATIONALITY: American LANGUAGE/S: English ∬ English, very limited Spanish SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual ∬ asexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: biromantic ∬ demiromantic RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single CLASS: middle class / lower middle HOMETOWN/AREA: I just stick em places CURRENT HOME: ┐(ツ)┌ PROFESSION: café owner ∬ student

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: white-blonde, practically white ∬ black EYES: copper brown ∬ light blue FACE: heart ∬ peach LIPS: pouty, rather pink ∬ soft, dark cherries COMPLEXION: European, tans easily ∬ fair, smooth BLEMISHES: beauty marks! one at the inner corner of her eye (left), one at the bottom of her mouth (left), two on her cheek (right) ∬ none SCARS: a few here and there TATTOOS: none HEIGHT: 5′2″ ∬ 5′3″ WEIGHT: ~116 lbs ∬ ~106 lbs BUILD: hourglass, strong, compact ∬ pear, slender, toned FEATURES: major resting bitch face, can’t tell if eyes are bored or bedroom, STRONG ARMS ∬ delicate, almost a sense of ethereal beauty? bordering on creepy, hidden strength

ALLERGIES: none USUAL HAIR STYLE: casual ponytail, messy bun, whatever it’s called when you fold your hair up with a big hair clip?? ∬ down, easily hides her face when necessary, ponytail for running USUAL FACE LOOK: resting bitch, politely waiting for...something?, clear gaze ∬ thoughtful, mild to intense interest in whatever she’s looking at USUAL CLOTHING: comfy, loose ∬ simple, comfortable, subtly stylish

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR/S: losing Sparrow, losing her father ∬ losing her loved ones, what happened in elementary/middle/high school coming back to haunt her in college ASPIRATION/S: take care of her sister FOREVER ∬ get a degree that will help her help people (nursing? doctor? therapist? environmentalist? ??) POSITIVE TRAITS: honest, easy to talk to, very aware of her emotions, can let go of grudges ∬ good listener, friendly, supportive, forgiving, pacifist, Mom Friend NEGATIVE TRAITS: immediately dislikes you if you look at Sparrow funny, doesn’t always lose her temper but when she DOES, doesn’t know how to pull her punches, god her plastic smiles are the most annoying thing in the world, possibly too honest ∬ doesn’t think of her own well-being in the least, can’t stand up for herself, highly manipulable, apologizes for everything, gives way too many chances (as in she never stops giving u another chance) ZODIAC: Sagittarius ∬ Pisces (Aquarius-Pisces cusp) TEMPERAMENT: sanguine ∬ phlegmatic SOUL TYPE/S: warrior ∬ ghdvkhldlf couldn’t take the quiz again but I’d guess server (maybe she coulda been an artist if I hadn’t fucked w things ( ᐛ ) ) VICE HABIT/S: using force when frustrated, cheat day every day? ∬ apathy towards herself, unnecessary guilt, keeping secrets VIRTUES/VICES: kindness & wrath ∬ patience (and also liKE ALL OF THEM AAAA) & ........maybe like sloth...about herself.....emotionally....... FAITH: Lark has faith in herself hghdksvh ∬ Sparrow has faith in the good of others GHOSTS?: maybe a little but probably not ∬ who knows, why not? AFTERLIFE?: nope ∬ maybe, who knows REINCARNATION?: god she wants to be Sparrow’s sister foREVER ∬ maybe, who knows? ALIENS?: why not ∬ w h o kn o w s ? POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: democratic-leaning ∬ democratic-leaning or third party EDUCATION LEVEL: college graduate (4 years) ∬ currently in college

FAMILY.

FATHER: Lionel Tempest ∬ Chandler Weave MOTHER: Phoenix Burke SIBLINGS: Sparrow ∬ Lark EXTENDED FAMILY: uugh I don’t wanna write all this out but Phoenix has a p big family and Lionel has a huge family and Chandler also has a pretty extensive family that he’s largely estranged from NAME MEANING/S: Lark as in the bird ∬ Sparrow as in the bird HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: BIRDS

FAVORITES.

BOOK: the poetry book Sparrow got her ∬ just one favorite?? MOVIE: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (lotta fond nostalgia) ∬ prolly watches a lot of foreign films? not really a fan of violence 5 SONGS: JUST 5 ??? HOLIDAY: 4th of July bc FIREWORKS ∬ Christmas bc she can give gifts to ppl MONTH: July ∬ late September/early October SEASON: SUMMER ∬ fall and winter and actually spring and heck why not summer too PLACE: wherever her sister is ∬ home, her uncle’s library (visited once when she was very young, still dreams about it) WEATHER: SUMMER NIGHT ∬ mild autumn day, early winter morning SOUND: the crackle of fireworks and fizz of sparklers; ice cracking; distant traffic; Sparrow singing when no one can hear her; the thump of sand-filled canvas; bird wings ∬ snow falling; Lark idly playing the piano; footsteps on carpet; 3am thunder over the mountains; wind chimes and bells and glass tinkling and music boxes SCENT/S: summer air, heavy and humid; smoke (fireworks, campfire); hot spring waters; lilacs ∬ books and paper and binding glue; evergreen trees and juniper berries; the first breath of a cold day; healthy earth and roots and sun-warmed leaves; graphite and fresh ink TASTE/S: orange soda, carbonates; smooth coffee; light, crunchy snacks ∬ fresh fruits and vegetables; colloidal silver; water after a long run; raspberry chocolate FEEL/S: warmth, solid or soft or just the air pressing around; post-workout, heavy muscles but light on the inside, sweet oxygen and satisfaction; cool piano keys and worn foot pedals ∬ sunlight on window seats; scritta paper; winter’s chill; downy blankets and a warm mug; runner’s high ANIMAL/S: KOALAS ∬ so many?? NUMBER: uh ∬ prolly like 3 or smth COLORS: yellow ∬ soft blue and peach

EXTRA.

TALENTS: piano, kick boxing, Worst puns, keeping a straight face ∬ violin, bullet journaling, painting/ink drawing, cooking, running, creative and harmless pranks BAD AT: being patient, cooking, not starting fights with people who are mean to her sister ∬ speaking up for herself, cutting toxic people out of her life, arguing, jokes and sarcasm TURN-ONS: strong people, cute girls, people with secrets, soulful singers ∬ she’s so confused TURN OFFS: too many secrets, dismissive of Sparrow, BAD teeth, narcissism ∬ are u making her uncomfortable? HOBBIES: kick boxing, piano, talking about her sister ∬ reading, journaling, painting/drawing, running, violin TROPES: Action Girl, Plucky Girl, Beauty Mark(s), Cool Big Sis, Daddy’s Girl, DEADPAN SNARKER ∬ Sibling Yin-Yang ∬ Actual Pacifist, Shrinking Violet, The Heart, Friendless Background, Feminine Women Can Cook, Nature Lover AESTHETIC TAGS: coffee n shit, fireworks, summery things, bikes maybe?, that’s yellow, this looks like Sparrow ∬ books, journals, art stuff, blue, snow maybe, skies I guess, pretty things GPOY QUOTES: “When the guys call you bro” ∬ “When you think something’s nice but nobody else does”

FC INFO.

MAIN FC/S: ┐(ツ)┌ ALT FC/S: ┐(ツ)┌ ┐(ツ)┌ OLDER FC/S: ┐(ツ)┌ YOUNGER FC/S: ┐(ツ)┌ VOICE CLAIM/S: me, actually, when I channel Lark (?? it’s weird) ∬ Liv Tyler GENDERBENT FC/S: u think i got time for that

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: if you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?

A1: hfskdghsdf I’d prolly end up calling it smth rly edgy and dumb like “Forbidden” or “The Blue Rose Girl” which doesn’t even sound edgy it just sounds dumb. black and white might be cool, or sort of a faded color? maybe it would go from black and white to color. it would be about the blue rose verse and the consequences they face bc of Lark’s actions and maybe Sparrow was better off staying dead? the folly of the heart type thing I’m tired can u tell

Q2: what would their soundtrack/score sound like?

A2: pls don’t do this to me rn I’M WORKING ON IT

Q3: why did you start writing this character?

A3: it all started w Sparrow. actually it all started with BJDs. I did a faceup and was like “cool who’s this” and thought Sparrow Weave was a cool name and literally started rping her with just a name and a face long story between that n this, but I decided Sparrow needed a sister bc of long story, and a lark was a bird and tempest was sort of the opposite of weave? why did they have to be opposite? Lark totally changed as a character tho originally she was super happy-go-lucky and bouncy and cheerful all the time but then I started to rp her and she was like “MOVE bitch get out the way”

Q4: what first attracted you to this character?

A4: ?? her name was Sparrow and she looked nice with dead flowers and I threw her into the fray. she grew to be beautiful and extremely damaged. Lark tho, I really liked how she kicked my ass and did her own thing

Q5: describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

A5: just cause I know all their flaws doesn’t mean I dont love them for it

Q6: what do you have in common with your muse?

A6: Sparrow and I are super squishy and people-pleasers and like books and art, and Lark and I get waaaaay over protective of people and have similar taste in puns, although I’m never confident enough to say any of mine

Q7: how does your muse feel about you?

A7: Sparrow would like me, I’d remind Lark of Sparrow until she found out I’m the cause of her suffering?? then I would cease to exist down to the last atom

Q8: what characters does your muse have interesting interactions with?

A8: this is going to sound horrible but I have this weird fascination with Sparrow in unhealthy relationships. she’s extremely manipulable but she’s also aware of that? so she might be onto you the whole time but why is she going along with it why does she have so much faith in you what are you going to do. LARK AND HER ENEMIES HALSKFHDKFSH

Q9: what gives you inspiration to write your muse?

A9: Lark writes herself, Sparrow’s more shy but I know her. if I see or think of anything that reminds me of her I remember everything she’s ever done and I fall in love again. I never lose muse just the ability/focus to make the words go

Q10: how long did this take you to complete?

A10: fuck ass long I stayed up way too lat workin on it, went back and edited/added more information to parts so it made more sense today, STILL WORKING ON THEIR PLAYLISTS but yeah this was fun!

#𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒆 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚 ∬ memes #𝒐𝒇 𝒂 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 ∬ 𝓢 & 𝓛 #𝟐𝟎 𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐤𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝟓 𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐚𝐠 ∬ 𝓛 (headcanons)#𝑡𝘩𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑐𝑘𝑙𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑜𝑟 ∬ 𝓢 (headcanons)#((GOD THIS TOOK ME FOREVER BUT I LOVE IT))

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crumpledjournal · 8 years

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5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

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icarus-tirade · 3 years

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4.29.2021

Oh boi, do I have a shit tonight

1.) My mom pissed me off so badly cause HOW ARE YOU GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME THE PLAN FOR PAYING FOR MY HOUSING FOR COLLEGE?! I ASKED FOR THAT SHIR LAST WEEK AND WE WENT THROUGH LIKE A 3 DAY PROCESS (something that should only take 1 day mind you) SO YOU COULD GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU HOLD IN YOUR PLAN UNTIL I FUCKING CALL YOU* AND ASK ABOUT IT AND I FIND OUT THAT YOU HAD DAD DOING IT BUT NEVER TOLD HIM THE FUCKING PLAN?! AND THEN HAVE THE GALLLLLL TO ACT RIMID LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR FUXKIN FAULT THAT NO ONE BUT YOU KNOWS THE PLAN!! AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING BRAND NEW??? Usually what happens when I need money for school is, parents put money on my credit card and then I pay for stuff but this time MOM IS TRYING TO PAY DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCHOOL?! AND NOT INVOLVE ME, which would be fine IF SHE DIDN'T FUXK IT UP COMPLETELY!!! She tells me it's all been taken care of by dad when I call her today and so I ask to talk to dad cause he sent me some snacks and I wanna say thank you right? So after talking to dad about the snacks he asks me for a link to the school so he can pay for the housing... meaning it hasn't been done yet. And I'm like, well... I'll just type out the convo

Dad: I need a link to the payment thing so I can pay for housing

Me: What link?

Dad: You sent me all your info, and thank you for that, but I need the link too. I don't know what to do and where to go

Me still confused: mom asked for that stuff so I sent it, I don't know why she wanted it and I don't know what link you're talking about

So finally dad calls mom into the room because we BOTH don't know what's happening and that's when mom has a small voice all of a sudden and is like "I thought we could just pay through the school" AND SO NOW IM PISSED AND STRESSED CAUSE IM DESPERATELY LOOKING THROUGH MY EMAIL ANS THE SCHOOL WEBISTE FOR A PAY DESTINATION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP THE ANGER OUTTA MY VOICE AND MY ANGRY/STRESSED TEARS AT BAY DURING MY CONVERSATION WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO MEEEE!!! THEN I FIND IT AND THEY ADD THE MONEY TO MY CARD (my card that's in the truck cause I left it outside by accident) so I put them on hold and run around looking for the keys that papa had in his pocket and Jammie is trying to get me to calm down and explain but I'm pissed and stressed so that's just making it worse* so I pay (and send them a picture of the receipt that mom wants cause I guess she don't trust me now even though I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust with school money so fuxk her) after getting my shit and go back to talking to dad who I don't wanna talk to anymore cause I'm fed up and trying not to cry

2.) YOU*: they usually call me at least once a week but they been mad silent since last week which is no Bueno cause I need to know if I have the money or not to pay for the fucking fee OR if they have paid for it SO FUXKING CALL ME CAUSE I AINT TRYIN TO CALL YOU! THEY ALWAYS LACKIN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SHIT FOR ME. I asked mom WEEKS ago if she could get a refill on my medicine and so when I check in today she NOW wants to tell me that there's been complications cause I'm 18 so I kinda need to do it. AGAIN I'd be fine with that IF SHE AINT WAIT THIS LONG DURING ALLERGY SEASON!! THIS IS SHIT I GOTTA KNOW SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING THIS LONG TO SAY SOMETHING?!

3.) Worse*: Jammie LOVES to talk about how trash my dad is depressed or bipolar (he's fuckin not so I really wished she'd stop saying that, IM bipolar so I know he's not she doesn't even know what she's talking about and it irritates me). So when she had me explain what's happening and I rant about mom fucking everything up she starts blaming dad??? She says that they planned what to say when I called and how to act and that my dad is orchestrating the whole thing like,,, no? Were you even listening to me??? So I repeat that MOM is acting brand new and dad and I don't understand what's happening but she continues to tell me that it's dad who's the blame. I tell her dad is not the only bad guy and is not ALWAYS the bad guy, I know he's shit alot of times but he's not always bad he was a good dad once and he still has his good dad moments, but she REFUSES to listen to me! And keeps blaming him and I KNOW it's cause she doesn't wanna view mom, he daughter, as a bad person and wants to put all the blame on dad BUT THATS NOT TRUE AND IM TIRED OF HER PRETENDING!! LISTEN TO WHAT THE FUXK IM SAYING AND STOP LIVING IN YOUR DELUSIONS!

4.) Dad and I were talking and it was fine UNTIL HE SAID HIS DUMBASS STATEMENT ABOUT ME BEEING TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! Ever sense I've gotten diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder he's taken that and RAN with it. But he uses it in the sense that sometimes I'm calm and sometimes I'm angry and just negative (disrespectful, argumentive, defiant, indifferent, and rude) BUT THATS NOW WHAT BIPOLAR IS. Its basically on and off depression and mania. But his favorite statement is "I don't know which you I'm getting" LIKE BITCH SHUT THE FUXK UP YOU CANT EVEN TELL WHEN IM SAD EVEN WHEN I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES YOUR DUMBASS THINKS I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU GET MAD AT ME AND MAKE IT WORSE! He's never said his "favorite statement" UNTILL I got diagnosed so I KNOW IT'S CAP. YOU DONT KNOW ME SO DONT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME ALL OF A SUDDEN! YOU'RE FAKE AS FUXK! And this was all sparked because I asked if I could watch a show now that I'm 18 and he was like "Wow! She's respectful!" BITCH IVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL IM JOT ACTING NEW IM ACTING THE SAME SO WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN' ??? He said he was surprised I asked because he didn't think I cared about their opinion but literally thats all I cared about!? I acted and behaved in a way that would make them happy and praise me because I constantly wanted validation that I was a good kid, that they loved and cared for me, and that I wasn't a problem and inconvenience because I was alive. SO HE'S FUCKIN STUPID AND THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER I CALMED DOWN. "I dOnT kNoW wHaT yOu Im GetTiNG" LIKE BITCH AHUT THE FUXK UP!! YOU SOUND MAD STUPID

5.) Broski if you see this, I wanna explain my "cowardice" earlier today. Look bro, I view my rant Tumblr as a diary of some sorts. That's why I changed my little description/bio to a quote joke about Journaling from my therapist cause I view this as my Journaling so I can better manage my feelings and get them out in a way that's not harmful to me. With that being said, announcing "Lets read ______ tumblr" is gonna immediately activate my fight or flight. These rants are private and personal to me. I've literally described it as like take a trip or look into the doors of my mind. Sharing my feelings and opinions are always scary to me because I'm afraid of being looked at in a negative light you know cause childhood trauma. You know I'm afraid to share my feelings bro. Let's uh, go back to the question "How much do you trust your friends" and I trust yall a Hella lot but I don't trust ANYONE 100% with my feelings except me. NO ONE. So with that being said, knowing that'd you he actively reading my rant Tumblr with me there was too much and I didn't like it at all. I find that extremely stressful and it made me wanna instantly draft all my recent shit. The main reason I let you look at this Tumblr is because I DONT KNOW WHEN you're looking at it. You might not see it until weeks later so I don't worry about it, you might forget all about it, but if you tell me you're currently reading it or when you're going to read it, then my anxiety kicks in and I panic and fight the urge to edit everything and hide anything that might stand out as weird or bad to anyone else. So yeah, please never let me know you're about to read my rant Tumblr again unless I tell you to specifically look at a post :) also the reason I didn't text you this was because 1.) I never really planned to explain myself cause I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and it was hard/long to type out or say anyways and 2.) Because of the stuff that happened in sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. I didn't feel like talking to anyone after that.

#i spelled fuck like fuxk because i was typing fast and didnt feel like correcting myself

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arthurflecksgirl · 4 years

Text

Mysterious stranger /Arthur being stalked by you

This was a request by someone on Twitter :)

Arthur is being stalked by a pretty girl /YOU

I decited to write from Arthurs view and the girls view.

So it switches.

Arthur and reader

Romance

Warnings: Nothing really, mentions of mental illness,

ENJOY :) <3

ARTHUR I just woke up all sweaty in in the middle of the night one more time. My insomnia was getting bad again. I felt like it has been getting worse since mum was at the hospital. I was worried about her condition. I even forgot to take my meds yesterday, which was bad. The pills helped me to find some rest at night. Without them my mind was racing, keeping me awake. Driving me INSANE. I usually started to write in my journal when I couldnt sleep but without my medication there were just black scribbles all over the diary when I looked at the pages. The last time I was off my meds I wrote the whole night through and when I looked in my journal the next morning,there was nothing but blank pages. Nothing. So, there is a reason I shouldnt forget to take them. But too many thoughts ran through my head yesterday, I just didnt thought of anything else. First of all I thought about Penny and if I was the reason she ended up at the hospital. I felt like I am a burden to her. She always told me I was brought into the world to spread joy and laughter. But she doesnt even think i`m funny. Imagin what a disappointment I must be to her.I was born for a reason and I couldnt even fullfill my destiny. This shit really kept me awake. And some other thing... A week ago I just came home from my therapist. And when I was waiting on the tram station, there was this girl in the middle of the crowd. She just kept on staring at me like... I don`t know. She just did. And it kinda scared me.I wasnt used to peope staring at me like that. Usually I was the one observing things around me. Watching people. I always tried to observe. I need it for my jokes. The best jokes are inspired by real life actions. Stuff you see happening on the streets. I also watched people closely to understand what they are laughing about and how they react to jokes. Sometimes I sat on a table at Pogos and made little notes about what I think is important. I really wanted people to like me. I wanted be a light for them. Gotham needs some light. I wanted to be listened to and I wanted to be seen. I`ve got a lot to say but I`ve never talked to others cuz I didn`t knew how to start a conversation. So I watched and learned how others managed to do that. I realized that my timing is a bit off when I laughed at others jokes. I`m wasn`t sure why. I needed to find out. Anyway, I wasn`t used to someone staring at me. I always wished someone did and when I saw that girl I should have been happy that she saw me but I didnt knew what to do about it. I wasnt sure WHY she was looking at me the way she did. If it was for good or for bad reasons. And I guess thats what made me insecure about the whole situation. As soon as I got in the tram I kinda forgot about it but two days later I saw her again. I was standing in the pharmacy and was just about to pay, when I saw her standing outside the window. She was beautiful. There is no doubt it was the same girl. She was looking at me again. I payed and when I turned around she was gone. For a moment there I was scared it might be another episode of hallucinations. That would be really bad. But it could be. I mean... why should a pretty face like her standing there, staring at me TWICE? I`m afraid this isnt really happening. Dr Kane said I should watch out for more hallucinations, especially about girls. So I will.

YOU This city made me sick. It`s beent two weeks since I moved here and already hated it here. It was grey, it smelled and people were rude. I didnt wanted to become one of the peole here. It seemed like it was a bad desicion to move here in the first place, but I couldnt afford to pay rent anymore, so I ended up here, in this really bad neighborhood. I felt like I screwed up my life. Sleep was something I barely remembered. Every night I was lying awake, afraid of someone might brak into my apartment. Like I said... bad neighborhood.You couldnt trust anyone here. A week ago I got so nerveous while trying to sleep that I got up, made some tea and watched out the window. Even at night people walked down the streets, mostly homeless guys. It was one ugly, rainy, cold night. I sipped on my tea and watched the raindrops falling on the dark pavement. Like the whole city was crying out loud. I burned my tongue on the hot cup . I swear I saw someone standing in the window across the street. But it was no one there. Oh great, I thought. Two weeks here in Anderson avenue and you already start to see shadowns at night. But then I saw it again. It wasnt a shadow. It was a man standing in his kitchen, smoking a cigarette. Oh, just a neighbor, no shadows. Good. I realized that I could see most of the kitchen, his curtains were kinda see though. He turned around so I could see his profile. He had almost shoulder long, bown hair, slightly curly, a beautiful jawline and high cheekbones. I could tell from the distance that he was indeed very beautiful. I turnedmy light off to make sure he couldnt see me standing at the window, looking into his. But he didnt looked out the window anyway. It looked like he was talking to someone, but as far as I could tell he was the only one in the room. I watched him puttig down his cigarette as he took off his dark red sweater. I didnt expected him to be this thin. It seemed like he stopped talking and suddenly he started to raise his hands above his head, moving gracefully. He was dancing all alone by himself. In his kitchen. I couldnt help but staring at him and started to feel kinda bad for watching this behind my curtain. But something about him was just so insanly attractive. i stared at his fragile chest, his bony ribs, his messy bed hair. I guess he couldn`t find sleep, just like me. I wondered if he was sleepwalking. The way he moved was extraordinary. Suddenly he stopped. I almost got scared because I was so drawn to his dance moves, it seemed so unnatural to just stop. I took a step back from my window because he came a step closer to his. But he just leaned over the sink now. It looked like he was crying. Something about this hurted my heart. I didnt even knew him but I couldnt help but feeling empathy for this beautiful, fragile man across the street, He was crying harder now. I felt my eyes watering as he slapped his own face. Why would he do that? Then he watched out the window. I was hiding in the corner of my room so fast I guess my curtains moved. I hope he didnt caught me staring. My heart was racing. Was he still there? I waited two minutes till I watched out the window again. He was gone.

ARTHUR I decited to go through the pages again I had written a week ago. I have to figure out why I remembered writing something that wasnt there in the morning. I skipped though the paged and stopped at a page that didnt even looked familir to me. Little drawings of catladies smoking cigs. i don`t remenber drawing this and start to read. "Insomnia is choking me again. It wrappes its strong arms around my neck, smothering me to death. At least thats how it feels while lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. So last night I wandered around the apartment for at least two hours straight. I smoked two packs of cigs as the music started playing in my head again. There is always music in my head, well, most of the time. Sometimes it gets so loud I can`t ignore it anymore. Its just floathing althrough my body, like energy. It holds me in its warm arms and I have to obey. It wanted me to dance again last night, so I moved around the kitchen to the music and it was so tragically beautiful in between the movements it made me do, that it almost started to hurt my body. So I stopped and wished for the sound to stop but it didnt and I just stood there and started to cry. Watching my tears falling into the kitchen sink, like the rain outside. The music still playing in my head. I slapped my face. Hard. Still noisy. I watched out the window. Gotham was crying, too. The city was just as depressed as I was. I swear I could see a shadow in the window across the street. But thats impossible. The neighbors there moved out some weeks ago. Must be my visions again."

YOU I couldnt stop thinking about the man across the street since I saw him. I watched out the window for so many times but I didnt got to see him for about thee days. But then I saw him crossing the street as I was just about to go buy some food. I know it wasnt the right thing to do but I followed him. I just needed to see him closer. I kept my distance so he won`t notice me. He was walking like someone that just got beaten up, his thin body hidden behind a brown sweater , and a jacket that looked way too huge on his small shoulders. He kept looking to the ground, his brown curls hanging sweaty upon his forehead. Even though his body language looked sad, he still managed to be extremly attractive to me. He was walking to the tram station and waited on his tram to arrive as I tried to be just a face in the crowsd, so I could take a closer look at him. I passed some people standing in the way until I found the right spot. There he was. Just about some foots away from me.And suddenly, as I was staring, he was looking right at me. God, I felt like my heart just sopped. Never ever have I seen more beautiful eyes in my life. So intense, piercing right though me, green but so very sad. I dont know if it was just my mind playing tricks on me but i felt like he caught me staring. I wanted to turn around and leave imediately but his tram arrived and he got in there before I could even react. At night his pretty face appeared in my mind. Againa nd again. I just couldnt get him out of my head.I was closing my eyes, and caught myself dreaming about kissing him. I laughed at myself. Silly girl ! Dreaming about the mysterious new neighbor was such a clishe. But it wouldnt help. I still wanted to get to know him. there was something so mysterious about him. His little dance in the kitchen. The crying at the sink.... his eyes! I thought about ways to just talk to him, I mean we were neigbors, right? I could find a reason to just go to him and say something. But nothing came to my mind. So I decited to follow him one more time. Maybe he would just ran into me and we would talk. Two days later I saw him leaving the house again, so I threw a jacket over my shoulder and got downstairs in a hurry. This time there weren`t much people around so it was even harder for me to follow him without getting caught. Something about watching him started to turn me on.It was fun to fantasize about someone who didnt even knew you existed. But at the same time I wanted him to know that I exist. Maybe not yet but... He went to the pharmacy. I stopped outside. I thought about going in and pretend I wanted to buy something. But I forgot my purse so this would have been embarrassing. I saw him from behind, his blue pants looked baggy on him. Everything did. And just when I thought this was a good situation to stalk him, he turned around again and I knew he saw me. He looked me right into my eyes! I captured the moment he looked at me in my mind and tought about it in the afternoon, when I was lying in my bed, dreaming about touching his beautiful face. Soon he became my fave fantasie. I couldnt even find pleasure in any other daydream anymore. He was my sexy secret and I liked it that way. But I just knew that soon this wouldnt be enough. I had to get closer. I wanted him to see me. Not just from across the street. I wanted to get to know him as a person. I needed to know his story, I needed to know why he was so sad.

ARTHUR I just couldnt figure out my very own diary anymore. Something definitaly went wrong at the moment. I guess all the lonelyness got too much. I mean, I must have been used to this but i wasnt. It got harder every day of my life. I wished for someone to love me so much that I had visions about girls. I tend to get them a lot but then it stopped for a while and now it seemed to start again. I was kinda worried about my condition and took two more pills today. I knew I shouldnt but I thought it would be better than forgetting to take them again. The slight overdose made me sweat a lot so I was in underwear only for the whole day, just lying on the coouch, watching all my fave episodes of teh Murray Franklin show. The only thing that made me stay up was going to the kitchen to make some coffe. I watched out the window while waiting for the water to bowl. There she was again. the girls I saw at the tram stationa nd at the pharmacy. She was crossing the street. I checked my forehead for fever. I was burning up. Must be the overdose. "She`s not really there" I whispered to myself "Arthur, she`s not real, don`t even look". But I looked. And I could swear she was looking up my window before she headed to my house. I blushed. But I guess that was also caused by the fever. God, she looked like an angel. Such a sweet girl. She would never even give me a look in real life. I knew that. And if she did... I wouldn´t even know what to do. I`ve never been with a woman before in my whole life. I never even kissed someone before. I`m just a loner. All I have are my fantasies. And Dr Kane wants to take them away from me,too. Maybe I should just give in and accept them. What if it wasnt a hallucination this time? What if this girl really saw me? What if?

You I did it. I wrote him a postcard. I held the card in my hands for like an hour and stared at it. I thought I wasnt brave enough to actually throw it in his letter box. But I did.I sneaked into the house and when I was standing in front of the letter boxes I wondered which one could be his. Thank god some lady just got out of the elevator and I asked her which letter box belongs to the window with the thin curtain. And she told me that they belong to apartment 8J. It just took me about some seconds to find the right box. P. FLECK. There it was. FLECK. I threw my postcard in without giving it a second thought, otherwise I would have changed my mind. I was heading back home, blushing.

ARTHUR I woke up with a bad headache. Another appointment with Dr. Kane. I wanted to take a bath but I was too lazy and decited to let it be. I just brushed my hair back, lighted a cig and went out the house. I checked the letter box and hoped for a letter from Thomas Wayne, I mean, I knew there wouldnt be one but it would make my mother happy so I still hoped for it. Somehow she was obsessed with Wayne and I didnt even knew why. My heart just skipped a beat as I saw an hand written postcard. Wayne? I started reading it. "Dear mysetrious stranger, You don`t know who I am but I saw you out on the streets some days ago and I think I fell in love with you. I even dreamed about you at night. I really hope you`re doing fine. Kisses The girl who loves you"

I just kept staring at the letters. I rubbed my eyes. the letters were still there. The girl who loves you. I must have blushed. Was this real? I let my fingers slide over the paper. It felt real. I turned the card around. A plain red heart on white background. I touched it so many times and hoped for a proof that this was eighter real or a dream. Sometimes I am not sure anymore. Who would ever send me a card? I searched for a stamp. None. Someone must have threw it in the letter boy by themself. The girl ! The girl I saw on the street. Now it all made sense to me. Was she following me? I smiled. The thought of this pretty girl having a crush on me was wonderful. But I got scared at the same time. I could never get up and talk to her. How could I? I bet she thinks I am some sexy guy who knows how to get it on. She was dreaming about me? What dreams? I imagined her touching herself while thinking about me and I giggled to myself. "Nahh she wouldnt do that" I said to myself. Reading the postcard again "Or would you, sweet strange girl?" I put the postcard close to my heart. Her fingers must have touched the paper all over when she was writing me these lines. Does she want to touchme with those fingers? Oh I would love to touch her fingers. But what if she ever comes up to me personally and I would just stand there, frozen. Not a word coming out of my mouth? The thought of this scared me a lot. My biggest fear was to laugh in her presence.The laugh that wasnt really one. My condition. That would scare her away for sure. I felt my eyes watering and a tear fell on the postcard, right on the word "kisses". It smeared, which made me even sadder. I needed this card to be perfect. I felt the urge to laugh coming up my throath. But then something else came to my mind. What if I showed the card to Dr. Kane? She could proof to me that this card truly exists. The urge to laugh was gone. I put the card into my paper bag and hurried up to see Dr. Kane.

"Hello, Arthur. How have you been thoughthe last week? Any negative thoughts?" Dr Kane was repeating her same old questions again as I smoked my cig. Next thing would be asking me about my journal. BUT I would have something much more interesting with me this time. "I brought something with me today" I said as I grabbed the card. "I wondered if you could take a look and tell me what you think about this?" Dr Kane took the card out of my hands. She read it. "Who gave it to you, Arthur?" "The girl who loves me" Dr Kane gave me that look "Arhur..." "Well... it says `The girl who loves you ` there at the end, right? "Right" "So, you see it too?" "Sure, Arthur" She gives me the card back. I smiled. It was real. The card was real. Which meant the girl was real,too. No hallucinations. No visions. "Good" "So someone send it to you?" "I found it in my letter box, it has no stamp" "No stamp? Are you sure you didnt wrote it yourself?" she looked confused. I bet she couldnt imagin someone falling in love me me eighter. "Dr Kane, you know how my handwriting looks like." "Right. Can I see it again?" I gave her the card back. Her eyes are focused on it. "No typos" she whispered to herself. "Looks like someone really likes you, Arthur. Be careful" "W-what do you mean?" "You know that you sometimes... well... you tend to lose sense of reality sometimes. It could be difficult to meet up with a girl for you". I put the card back in my bag. "You think I couldnt handle it to have a girlfriend?" "Thats not what I said..." "It is exactly what you said" I got up and left the room. "See you next week, Dr Kane. I cant do this today" I got back home and placed the card under my pillow. I wanted to sleep on it. It was the first love note I ever got and felt so special. I grabbed my Pjs out of my wardrobe and looked at the red suit hanging in there. I never put it on by now. I always felt like it is waiting for a special event in my life. But nothing special ever happens. Until now. The card. the love note. The girl. I grab the suit and walk to the mirror. Holding it in front of my body to see how it would look like on me. I felt so insecure when thinking about dating a girl. I didnt knew how to react in front of her. Maybe the suit would help? I shook my head. Nahh. Just a stupid thought. Back in bed I imagined how it would be to have a girlfriend. To go out on dates with her, walking hand in hand across the streets. I bet Gotham wouldnt be half as bad as if its now. Sharing my life with someone. My bed. Having someone to cuddle with at night. Someone to calm down my bouncing leg. Someone to have sex with, It would be sweet. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

YOU Its been a day since I threw the card in the letter box. No answer. Of course not. He didnt even knew who I was. I watched out the window and hoped to see him in his apartment again. I got lucky this time. I saw him lying on the couch watching tv. He wora a cosy PJ and looked so cute in it. Still sexy though. I could eat him up. I wish I could just go over, knock on his door and tell him that i am the girl who send him the card. I wonder if he even got it yet. maybe he didnt open the letter box since then. I saw him smoking, writing down some notes. I tried to see more details of the living room. There was a clown mask and a costume hanging beside a mirror. It seemed like he had a thing for clowns, which made me think. maybe I`ll have a lil surprise for him... I searched through my stuff and found the big, red flower that used to be part of a Clown outfit I was wearing years ago when I dressed up with my best friends. It looked brand new. Maybe he would like it. I put a little note on it and decited to put it in front of his door. Tomorrow. I couldn`t wait. The next morning I got out of bed early, to wait till he got out of the house. When he did I sneaked into the house and waited till someone came out again, which lastet at least 50 minutes but it was worth it. I got in the elevator and walked to the door which said 8J. I hold my breath for a second. That was were he lived. He walked through that door every day. I wish I could just walk through it and go into his apartment.Looking though his stuff. I was a bit shamed of myself for having those kinda feelings. I felt like a stalker. But I couldnt stop my own thoughts from wanting him. I put the big plush Flower down on the doormat and touched the door knob. Just to touch it. To touch what he touched some about an hour ago. It felt sexy.

ARTHUR I just came home from work at Haha`s and felt drained. It was a long day. I got out of the elevator and saw something lying on my doormat. A big, red plush flower. Like one for clowns! My heart jumped when I picked it up. There was a little note saying "Dear stranger, if you want to meet me , I`ll be at the little fountain in the park today at 7 O`Clock . The one with the litlle bird stature. It would be a pleasure to get to know you better. Kisses, The girl who loves you"

I bit my lips. Another note. She wanted to meet me. My hands were shaking while reading the note one more time. I actually was shaking so much I had troubles to get my keys into the lock. I threw my jacket on the couch, sat down and pressed the plushy flower to my chest. It felt so soft to the touch. A present. I never got presents. Not even when I was a kid or on my birthdays. Everything about this felt so special. I wanted to meet her so bad but at the same time I was so scared about meeting her, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection. I looked tired. Drained. Like someone sucked the life out of my. Heavy bags under my yes, from not getting enough sleep. I brushed my hair back. Better. At least a lil bit. I checked the time and realized it was already after 5 O`clock. I got no time to waste. Should I really go there? Or was Dr Kane right?

YOU I got ready for my potential date. I didnt even knew if he would show up but i hoped so. I dressed up in my usual clothes. I wanted to be my authentic self around him. I was already waiting on the spot 30 minutes too early. I just couldnt wait any longer. I needed to know if he would come. I wanted to get to know him so bad.

ARTHUR Alright, I could never forgive myself if i wouldnt take the chance, so I decited to show up. I took a bath to feel fresh, washed my hair and put on some nice clothes. Not the red suit though. I picked dark red pants, a matching vest and a white shirt under it. I hope I looked decent in it and bought some roses before I made my way to the park. I bought them from the last dollars I had but I didnt cared. I wanted to give her some nice flowers. Gotham looked different today while watching out of the trams window. Less dark and depressing. But I guess it was just me feeling better as usual. I just wanted it to be a nice date. I just wanted her to like me for who I am. I got out of the tram, walking into the park. I saw her from a distance already. There was just one person standing at the fountain, so it must have been her. She was so beautiful, I couldnt belive she was waiting FOR ME. My hands holding the roses started to get all sweaty and I wiped them off on my pants. I stumbled right in front of her as I arrived and the flowers fell out of my hands. "Ooooppps...I`m...I`m so sorry.. I...." my nervousness killed me. She similed at me as I picked up the flowers and handed them to her "I....um....brought you...som..something...um..." I stuttered. She gave me the sweetest hug "Thats so sweet of you...? Um... I don`t even know your name" she was blushing. "Arthur. My name is Arthur." "Hey Arthur. I`m Y/N. Nice to meet you. Thank ou so much for the roses. They`re beautiful". "Yeah... thank you for the notes...I don`t know what to say...you`re beautiful". Y/N smiled from cheek to cheek. "Thank you, Arthur. Would you like to take a walk though the park and get some coffee later? It would be a nice way to get to know each other. What do you think?" "I think this sounds just wonderful". She gently wrapped her arm around my waist as we were walking though the park. It was a late summer evening and for the first time ever I noticed the birds singing. The music in my head stopped. Maybe Gotham wasn`t as bad after all.

#arthur fleck #arthur fleck fanfic #arthurfleckfanfiction #joker #joker fanfiction #dc #stalking #fanfiction #romance #joaquinphoenix

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less-broken-lenses · 6 years

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My mom had a talk with me about you. Or, more accurately, about how I haven't let go of you. She told me that you picked someone else that I have to get over it now. That I left the door open for you to come back but you didn't and that I have to accept that. "He chose her." He chose her. He chose her. He chose her. He chose her. He chose her. He chose her. I could say that a million times and every time it will hurt. Sometimes I create an funny persona to live in because it keeps many things far away. It lets people know I'm hurting while making them laugh but maybe that's the saddest humor of all. My dad made me the bad guy again today. I had to tell him he couldn't come to my surgery, twice. Because he made me. He couldn't just understand that this is hard for me to do. I don't want him not to be there but I don't want him and mom to both be there because, well, they hate each other. Somehow this letter has turned into a stream of consciousness. I gave my number to a boy named Logan. We went on a date. I don't think there's chemistry there but he is a good human. I'm worried that I'll never feel chemistry with another person because I'm always going to expect it to feel like butterflies but somehow I don't feel those with anyone else. The most difficult part is that there are millions of other humans out there but that means that there is always hope and no assurance. I have anxiety about being alone because I shut boys down but I don't know if I do that because they're genuinely not what I want or because I don't want anyone else or because I don't want anyone at all. I want to be in love but only with someone who checks all the boxes but idk if that's even the type of love you can just find or what. I hate dating apps. I hate the culture of my generations dating. I don't get it. I'm stressed because I feel like I should text Logan but idk what to say and I don't want to seem uninterested but I also have nothing to say but I also dont want him to think he has to make all the moves. But also my life is imploding literally all the time. Because my dad is always in my life. And it makes me sad because what a sad and lonely life to constantly be imploding others. And no matter how many horrible things he does I won't cut him off even though I am so broken now. I think maybe you get to a certain degree of broken that you function as only a quarter or part of the full unit. You learn to live without. Like living without a kidney, except not at all. Im having breast reduction tomorrow and idk if I feel fat or unsure or ready. I haven't been able to treat my anxiety and that been really hard for me. My mind races at 199 beat per a minute and miles per hour at the same time. At night time it is very difficult for me to not write letters or journal entered while listening to Weightless by Marconi Union because I read that the song is so powerfully peaceful that it can make people fall asleep behind the wheel and that's the kind of magic I need to even consider falling asleep. Logan said he only sleeps 4 hours a night but he never texts me in the other 20 so idk what that means. The air conditioning is blowing on my face and feels good. I am realizing this is the last time I'll be sleeping on my belly for a long time. I hated how abby and miranda we're talking about how "they" were having sex but then when I asked who they glanced at each other and said Wyatt when I knew they meant you too. I am always 100 steps ahead of my friends minds. And idk if that's the trauma or if that's intelligence but I can't help to think that it's a little bit of both. I feel like I never talk to anyone who's on my mind level but I don't say that in an arrogant way. More of just a lonely way. I know I'm not completely alone there but it's hard for me to connect to people on a spiritual and intimate level because I am always the deeper. And I wish someone was that for me. That was the only reason I liked Logan because he is very smart and I think smarter than me but he never asks me about myself and I wonder if that will bother me. I think I'm meant to be alone forever but I pray a lot that I won't be. Sometimes I'm just a lot. My spirit is dominant and assertive and aggressive and I don't know if anyone could ever love that or if I could more honestly love them back. I wonder if I am tarnished from my dad or from Alex and as I write this I know that in many ways I am. My sister said tonight that right in this very moment we are under active abuse. Right now. And it's unusual to be under active fire while you're living you're life and it's not a secret but no one can help you because somehow it isn't there place and somehow you always seem to make it out okay. But okay is just a series of repetition in the trauma and forgiving and in the trauma and forgiveness again. It is very exhausting. Anna days empathy doesn't exist and I got very angry in my response to her because somehow if empathy truly doesn't exist then that truly means that we are all individually uniquely alone in this world and that in and of itself could crush my spirit. I wonder why I fear being alone so deeply. Perhaps it is because I have tasted the deep love, the pure love that lies between lovers, between a mother and a child, between siblings. Perhaps it is because of the study that correlated the degree of happiness in ones life with the quality of the relationships shared. I think I need a therapist. Maybe I will show them this blog so they can understand me more.

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