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badaziraphaletakes · 4 months

Text

In which some poor innocent unsuspecting reader submitted an ask and I respond by throwing an entire textbook at them

Like seriously i won’t even be upset if no one reads this PhD dissertation, like actually what is wrong with me omg

The ask:

I want to start by saying I love this account and really appreciate the rebuttals I see here to some of the messed up stuff the fandom’s spit out over the past few years. That being said, the most recent post about “the creepiest take you’ve ever seen,” was one I disagreed with strongly. It’s entirely normal to enjoy watching media where characters have breakdowns. It is not a desire to see a person breakdown. It is a desire to watch a good story.

(Edit: Just realized I somehow omitted to include the full text of the ask here. I apologize for the error! Will fix it soon. -Mod X)

My response:

Hi and thank you for your kind words! (Also idk why there is this huge gap in the text here, sorry haha!) If it were a necessary part of the story, or a part of the story that made sense, I would agree. But it’s not necessary (esp not at this point in the story) and therefore wouldn’t be “good”, if we are defining good art as being emotional truthful, which I imagine is a pretty uncontroversial definition.

Side note: We already saw him have this exact shattering breakdown in Uz. So that renders most of what I am about to say (and arguably some of what you have said) somewhat moot. But I’m going to continue anyway because some of the points brought up here touch on issues that I think bear re-visiting often.

It’s cathartic, it’s engaging, and it helps people who’ve been through the same thing see themselves reflected. For example, I like watching someone on tv hit rock bottom with their addiction because I’ve been through that, and seeing them finally realize they have to work on recovery and actually do it is motivating and empowering.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I haven’t (although I am estranged from an entire side of my family due to alcoholism and meth addiction, which is a whole fun thing), so I can’t comment on this too much.

But addiction is not the same as an ab*sive relationship. (I do have knowledge of those, both from life experience and from my previous job in ab*se research. I edited a newsletter about family violence research for several years.) Seeing a person suffering from addiction realize they want to work on recovery, and realize that the substance they are addicted to is messing up their life, can make sense. Especially if they're in a place where they're able to work on it and have the opportunity to try to change.

But seeing an ab*se survivor “realize they need to get away from their ab*ser because they’re evil and have a breakdown about it” doesn’t make sense, because being trapped in an absive situation is not about “motivation” or what they think about the abser or even, really, about "empowerment". (Side note that word is thrown a lot to delude women into thinking our capitalist system is working for us rather than oppressing us. But I digress.) It boils down to the fact that they are in danger if they leave. The situation is not within their control.

(This next part is not directed at you, but at the general readership, in case this is helpful discussion for anyone: A lot of addictions aren’t within people's control at all either. It depends very much on the drug we’re talking about, the health of the individual, the quantity and duration of the addiction, whether the person has access to the healthcare they need to be cured, and whether there’s a way for them to get free from the broader societal dysfunctions that led to them being trapped in this situation in the first place.)

Also, with addiction, people can absolutely get past that without losing their sense of self and their identity. If they go through that kind of crisis in the process of healing from addiction, I would argue that something is very wrong. (Not with them, but with the society around them). In a best-case scenario, a person suffering from addiction would have access to the kind of mental and physical healthcare and support system that lets you get free from that without a shattering breakdown or loss of sense of self.

Besides, not everyone who has an addiction has toxic beliefs about themselves or their own identity or other people, etc etc. (Babies who are born addicted come to mind, if we want to talk about the most extreme example.) So I find the idea that addiction is down to toxic beliefs about one's self very suspect. I would argue that 95% of the time, addiction happens because your life sucks. The mental health community is starting to have this conversation about depression and anxiety - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to work on one's "limiting beliefs" and "destructive thought patterns" can only do so much to help you feel better when your whole life is shit anyway. And it can actually make it WORSE if the victim is made to believe that their depression is the fault of their "Faulty thoughts" rather than a reasonable reaction to a shitty situation. Not necessarily saying we should throw CBT out the window altogether, but I am saying that mental healthcare will be a LOT more effective when it learns to truly take the broader societal context into account. I suspect, I hope, we'll soon be having a simialr conversation around addiction.)

And that’s doubly the case for ab*se survivors. They’re not stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with them that they need to fix. They’re stuck in that situation because there’s something wrong with the ab*ser.

Regardless of the victim’s personal worth as an individual, regardless of whether they’re a good person or what-have-you, they don’t deserve to be ab*sed.

(I'm just waiting to hear about how some therapist tells a victim to work on their "limiting belief" that they need to stay with their ab*ser in order not to be killed, and/or tells them that fearing their ab*ser will kill them is a "cognitive distortion", and tells them to stand up to their ab*ser and/or leave, and then the ab*ser kills them. But I digress.)

And the loss of self when separating from a toxic system that’s defined your whole life is a real thing some people go through. It’s not bad consider that Aziraphale could also go through that, or to want to see that experience reflected.

I want to be very clear that I don’t have the smallest objection to people wanting to see that in a show. But a. that’s not what the person was saying, and b. they were also saying it’s necessary. IT’S NOT. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Loss of self is the worst-case scenario for how something like that goes. Nothing good comes from that. That is a side effect of ab*se (because the ab*ser’s the one who says that “Everything you are is bound up in me and you’re nothing with me"), not an integral part of the process of getting away.

Trauma is not necessary for character growth.

The way these things should go is that the person is able to gradually and mindfully work through the beliefs that are poisoning them with the help of a therapist, trusted friends, etc.

I know what I’m talking about. I worked in trauma research for over seven years. Please trust me on this one.

And again, Aziraphale can’t “separate” from them anyway. There’s nowhere he can go where they won’t find him. So his beliefs are irrelevant to his situation. And if the show implies that his beliefs “need to change” as part of the earth being set free from heaven-hell’s tyranny, or that he “needs to change” in order to be free, I will be writing a strongly-worded letter to the creators.

But more importantly, *they didn’t just say giddy.* They also said apprehensive. Perhaps they’re apprehensive because they know it could be painful to watch. Or because they don’t want to see it handled poorly.

“Giddily apprehensive” sounds an awful lot like “excited” to me. I admit it is ambiguous, though, so I’ll give you that one. I maintain that the OP expressed themselves with an exceptional lack of grace, however. And fwiw, they’d be FAR from the first person to want to see Aziraphale suffer because they are mad at him. I think I have good reason to believe that's what they're getting at here, given how many people in the poster's orbit say the same kinds of things and how many other things I've seen the OP say that are along those lines. I acknowledge I should have made that clearer in my original post.

They aren’t giving this advice (if one could call it that) to a human. They’re saying they’re excited to see a character breakdown. Character arcs like that are common and enticing for good reason.

I have yet to see a reason why I should believe that the things people say about Aziraphale are different than the things they say about people in real life.

I would point you to a couple lines down where you say yourself that we respond to characters the same way we respond to real people.

Personal growth ≠ character growth.

But what makes a good character is that they act like real people.

As an audience, character growth (even negative) is engaging.

Yes, absolutely. But we can absolutely do character growth in a way that does not spread harmful mindsets or misinformation about what ab*se and recovery from ab*se looks like. In fact, I would argue that character growth can’t happen if the writer doesn’t write the characters to behave in a way that is realistic to real life.

Characters follow the same rules, though. We respond to characters the same way we respond to real people. The same general rules of personal development and so forth apply.

The idea that “Aziraphale realizes his ab*sers are terrible” is something he needs to do for his “personal development” is highly objectionable. He doesn’t need to grow in this area. He just needs his ab*sers to leave him alone. Side note: We should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he already does think they’re terrible and only stays with them because he is terrified. Even if this hadn’t been strongly and frequently hinted at in every episode going all the way back to S1E1 - almost every scene, in fact - we should still give him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, even if we say, for the sake of argument, that Aziraphale was a terrible, awful, horrible person - I know you’re not saying that, to be clear - even then, he still wouldn’t “need to realize his ab*sers are terrible” or “have a complete breakdown” or “lose himself” in order to grow. That's not how growth works. The best growth happens when people are at peace and safe and loved. Not frightened and confused and alone. He never chose them in the first place, he never wanted to be on their side. If he were left alone, he would just spend the rest of eternity reading his books and eating Eccles cakes and snuggling with his former-demon. That’s who he really is. There’s nothing about him as a person that needs to change. I agree a story where a person loses their sense of self after escaping from an ab*sive system would be interesting to watch, but I maintain that it does not make sense for the context of this particular story. And, such a story would NEED to make clear that the person wasn’t bad or wrong for deriving some part of their sense of self from the ab*ser and that they shouldn’t have had to have a catastrophic breakdown in order to develop their own sense of self. No one should have to go through that.

It’s not the same thing as asking for personal growth from a real human being.

Good characters do not operate according to different emotional and psychological rules than we do, though. If they didn't, we wouldn’t have millions of people sobbing about how real Aziraphale and Crowley feel to them. We would be the biggest dodos in the world if we were reacting this way to paper dolls 😄

Comparing the desire to see a character go through a dramatic storyline like that (and to come out of it strong and shining) to fundamentalist rhetoric is… just total bullshit.

You said this blog has been a good place for you and I want it to continue to be that way for you. So I want to give you a chance to revisit this part and see if you can say something more constructive. Because I've gotta admit, this really made me upset and I can't let it go without saying something. It’s not cool to call someone’s commentary “bullsh*t” like this.

I heard the line “we must die to ourselves” many, many times from the high-control religion of my childhood. It is a classic cult line. Hence why so many cults have "burial and rebirth" rituals, make people change their names, etc.

I am not just making up a comparison. This is a real phenomenon. Controlling ab*sers are the ones who’ve given us this idea that “death of the self” is character growth. It’s not. Character growth happens in spite of those excruciating emotional crises, not because of them.

Growing as a person is supposed to feel good overall. Not always easy, but on the whole, it should be a positive experience.

Also - Again, they said he “needs” to do it.

And they didn’t say anything about Aziraphale “coming out strong and shining”. You added that in. I think it's wonderful that you want to see that for him (so do I) but that’s not what this person was saying

If they'd said that, I wouldn't object to it at all. But they didn't. That part was left out. Which I think may be very telling in itself.

There are a myriad of reasons someone could have that desire, including having gone through something similar themselves.

Having gone through something similar doesn’t necessarily mean it makes sense for another character. It also doesn’t mean it’s necessary. And having been through something that went a certain way does NOT mean that it happening that way makes sense for someone else.

Deconstruction from a religious upbringing is different from leaving an ab*sive relationship

Aziraphale doesn’t have religious trauma. (I’m not going to talk much about religious trauma and deconstruction here, because it’s outside the scope of this blog, largely because - as attested by no less an authority than Neil Himself - Good Omens is not about religion. But I’ll say a little bit.)

Heaven and hell are not a “religion” in his world - they’re real. His fear of hell (and of heaven) is absolutely, one hundred percent, completely legitimate and appropriate, and NOT something he should be “reasoned” out of. Saying otherwise gives “your ab*ser isn’t actually that evil and scary”. But regardless, in either scenario, that kind of traumatic personal crisis is not a necessary part of the healing process. My heart aches for all the people whose deconstruction process was emotionally shattering. But what makes it ache even more is how for so many of them, the takeaway is somehow that that kind of crisis is necessary - rather than "dear god, i hope no one else ever has to go through that kind of hideous experience to get away from their shitty religion", which surely is what the takeaway should be (assuming there even is a lesson to be learned at all from an experience like that, which is doubtful) - and they go on to demand it of other survivors and gatekeep against people who haven't gone through the exact same thing they did in the process of getting away.

How, HOW did we get to a point where so many people’s deconstruction is a fucked-up, scarring experience that we think it’s inevitable for deconstruction to be that way????? I grieve.

I know the idea of killing one’s old self is inherently wrong to many people.

It’s not about whether it’s *wrong*. If that's valid for someone and they get where they need to be - you do you. It’s about the fact that it’s painful and it’s unnecessary to the process of growth.

Furthermore, it is the kind of thing ab*sers WANT to see happen to their victims when they leave. They want victims to think that they have to have that kind of crisis if they want to leave them. Because then they’re less likely to leave. When we encourage that kind of thinking, we are playing directly into their hands.

What should happen is that the victim should be given the opportunity to realize that all along there was much more to them than their ab*ser.

I don’t personally desire to watch Aziraphale do that, especially because there are so many wonderful aspects of the Angel he’s been since the beginning

Agreed.

But fwiw, this is giving a faint whiff of perfect victim syndrome. Even if he were an asshole, he still deserves to just have his ab*sers leave him alone, not to have some kind of shattering, soul-crushing emotional breakdown. They will always, always be worse than him.

but it’s not wrong to want to see that. People do go through it, and their stories are incredibly compelling.

I don’t disagree. For me it’s rather about the place this is coming from. OP was saying it’s necessary. There’s a difference between wanting to see a show address this issue overall because it’s interesting, and demanding that a specific character go through it because you think it’s necessary, or that their process of leaving and healing won't be legitimate (or whatever word we wanna use) if it doesn't happen.

And, as you said, it doesn’t make sense for Aziraphale. If the character is an asshole, I’d be able to see it a little more (although again, I still very much question the entire idea in the first place) But he's not an asshole. I find anyone’s thinking it “makes sense” for him to be highly questionable.

I know Aziraphale is much more than a character to many people

Speaking as a (very, very, very slightly, lol) professional writer and actor - every character should be “more than a character”, if they’re well-written. They should feel real if the writer and/or actor has done their job well. I like NG's line that "If you write someone who is utterly and completely themselves, you get people coming up to you and going 'Oh my God, you wrote my life!'

a desire to watch him go through a psychological breakdown is not some poorly concealed desire to watch real people go through that.

It may or may not be. I agree that it isn't always.

In this person’s case, though, I very much did get concerning vibes. Poorly concealed. (As an ab*se survivor, you start to know the vibe of victim-blamers after awhile.)

Regardless, though, the way we respond to characters is the way we respond to people in real life. Story is a primary vehicle through which people learn how to interact with one another and their environment. If it wasn’t, discussing media along these lines would be pointless, and I'd just spend all my time talking about how good David Tennant looks in those tight pants 😁 Or, probably, I would take up a different hobby altogether.

I wouldn’t have wasted my time starting this blog if the things people say about this story and especially about Aziraphale didn’t have real-world applications (not to mention making a lot of ab*se survivors feel very unsafe in the fandom - before we turned off anonymous asks, I got an average of two messages a day from ab*se survivors and other oppressed people telling them how this blog has made them feel so much safer in the fandom) - and if their views about the characters didn’t mirror the kinds of things they’d say about people in real life. (All the anti-Aziraphale autiphobic takes come to mind.) I flatter myself I have enough judgment that those takes wouldn't have troubled me so deeply if they weren't reflective of real-world societal problems and indicative of problematic attitudes in the people who write them.

In this case, the wording is identical to the kinds of problematic things people say about real-life victims/survivors. Yes, the person may not actually consciously want (or want at all) to see real-life ab*se victims/survivors suffer. But I absolutely, one hundred per cent guarantee you that anyone saying this has some major problematic biases/assumptions that are contributing to how ab*se survivors are maligned, degraded, and oppressed in our society. (I never want to see Disabled people suffer, but if I say ableist things, I’m contributing to it whether I mean to or not. I may not want to see women suffer, I am a woman, well more or less anyway lol, and I've identified as a feminist my entire adult life, but nevertheless there have certainly been times in the past when I've said sexist things. It's something all of us will always have to be vigilant against in ourselves. I suspect at this point I'm preaching to the choir, because you do not strike me at all as a bigoted or ignorant person, but I figured I'd re-iterate all that again anyway, because screaming it through a megaphone as often as possible is what this blog is for lol. :)

And what’s worse, they are spreading that rhetoric. I’ll be damned if I’ll let it go by without saying something.

Hope this makes sense and cleared some things up.

With love and respect,

Mod X.

#good omens #goodomens #aziraphale #good omens 2 #badaziraphaletakes #goodomens2 #ineffable husbands #cw: abuse #cw: trauma #cw: religious trauma

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flightfoot · 6 months

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Hey, do you have any recommendations for Lukanette, Adrigami, and/or Julerose fics?

I don't generally read Lukanette. The pairing's fine in and of itself, I think that Luka and Marinette would have a happy marriage and a good time together, but I've had so many bad experiences with Lukanette shippers vilifying Adrien, Alya, and the class, that I can't really derive any enjoyment from the ship, I just have too many negative associations with it. Lukadrienette and Lukadrigaminette are fine since I've never had bad experiences with other characters being bashed to promote the poly, but Lukanette... no.

I had about a year where saltfics NEVER LEFT MY HEAD and I kept on having flashbacks to my favorite characters being demonized and vilified and punished for it, with those flashbacks running through my head for hours on end while my throat choked up like I was about to cry, for hours at a time, on a daily basis. I REALLY can't stand anything I associate with that. I still can't stand saltfics, but my throat doesn't close up and I don't get a ton of flashbacks anymore when I see them at least, I just get angry.

There IS still one Lukanette fic series I've liked and recommended, but it's less because of the Lukanette and more because of the exploration of Luka's and Felix's characters (and it turns into FeLuka later on).

As for Adrigami... it's a nice ship, but there's very little content for it, especially in more recent years. It mostly vanished once season 4 got going, and it wasn't exactly common before that. I've got some Adrigaminette and Lukadrigaminette recs if you're interested in those though?

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Boomer!Luka: FeLuka Ending series by @19thsentry-blog

In the Shadows (the first fic in the series) summary:

On one side is Luka, 140-year-old Snake Miraculous holder and keeper of the Guardian's secrets, on the other is Marinette Dupain-Cheng, a relatively newly minted hero of Paris and Guardian of the Miracle Box. Each is looking to fulfill their promises to their now gone mentors to reunite the Kwamis and keep them safe. Sounds simple--until you throw in a rocky start, the Atlantic Ocean, Félix Graham de Vanily, and a whole host of secrets…and suddenly simple becomes complicated (story of Marinette's life, right?).

So this is obviously way outside my normal wheelhouse. I don’t typically read Lukanette fics, even ones that turn into FeLuka later on in the series (though boy it becomes apparent quickly that the author’s fascinated with FeLuka’s dynamic.) But this one is really good, with the best Luka-centric fics I’ve ever read, and some of the best Felix-centric content as well. I love how Luka has his own baggage here, with all the pressure of wandering around for over a century, looking after the few Miraculous he found, trying to keep what’s left of the Order alive, unaware of Fu’s survival or of the Miraculous user’s re-emergence in Paris. There’s a lot of focus on Luka’s own feelings and thoughts and problems, not just on helping other people with them.

The plot works even without the romantic aspect, so even if Lukanette isn’t a pairing that draws you in, I still recommend this fic, so long as you don’t actively dislike the pairing itself. And even though it’s a Lukanette fic, Adrien and Alya are treated fairly and with respect. Adrien may not end up with Marinette and is bummed about it, but the narrative is still kind to him overall, there’s clearly no ill well towards him, or Alya for that matter. (There are later fics in the series that focus more on Adrien just healing and coping and living after finding out that his father’s a villain and his mom’s been in the basement this whole time, and in the multiversal travel fic, Alya gets some standout appearances as Scarabella which are fun).

And FELIX - it’s clear that 19thsentry has this whole conception about Felix’s psychology. He’s wrapped in a ton of self-loathing until it started to consume him, made him lash out. Him being a sentimonster, wanting to get the Peacock Miraculous, actually gave him some direction for that at least. And he’s just in this pit of his own making, until he meets Luka, who can see through him when no one else can, who cares for him even though he doesn’t understand why, who’d been through so much over the years and yet kept himself kind. He’s attracted like a moth to a flame, infuriated that he cares, yet not able to stop himself from caring about this mysterious, infuriating musician.

Yeah if you can’t tell this is the series that really sold me on FeLuka as a couple.

Oh yeah, one of the fics in here is M-rated, and it does earn the M rating for sexual content, though it’s nothing too major.

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Three’s company by @torvalvt

Kagami has been doing her best for years to ignore her feelings for her friends. It doesn’t help that Adrien and Marinette insist on spending as much time as possible with her, even going so far as inviting her along on their dates together. If only the affection she felt for them wouldn’t get in the way of their relationship. Because it is growing harder and harder to tamp down her feelings with how close they are getting to her.

This is adorable. Adrien and Marinette really want Kagami to join their relationship and she just doesn’t dare hope for it. If you want some adorable Adrigaminette from Kagami’s perspective, I recommend checking this fic out!

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Hold Me By Both Hands by @angelofthequeers

“I know he said never to take you back,” Plagg mutters. “But he’d change his tune if he knew.” He looks Adrien straight in the eye and, more serious than Adrien’s ever seen him before, says, “There’s someone you gotta meet. He’s been looking for that book for ages.” How differently might the events of season 2 have gone if Adrien had also known of Master Fu from the start?

Look I've literally written a series of essays going over the various aspects of the plot threads in this fic, it's one of the best ML fics I've ever read if you've wanted a fix-it for seasons 2 and 3. Especially with the way Chloe's redemption arc was handled, it's STILL the best Chloedemption arc I've ever read in a Miraculous fic, and I've read a LOT of Miraculous fics.

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You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess by @mexicancat-girl

With Team Miraculous now full-time holders, Ladybug has them patrolling in pairs like her and Chat Noir. New partners Pigella and Purple Tigress get along phenomenally, their easy banter and similar wavelengths making working with each other a joy in and out of combat. But sometimes Tigress is surprised just how close she is with her partner. Sometimes she tries not to feel too guilty thinking about it.

There’s some nice Julerose here! I love them kinda getting into a lovesquare with each other, though it’s not as much of a problem as it is in canon since it’s reciprocal in every relationship and they’re both down for a poly. It’s fun, and I love the “Luka attempting to woo some of his love interests” plot going on in the background XD.

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How Could I Not? by SorryJustAnotherPerson

In fairy tale books, Princesses were saved by nights from ferocious dragons. Those books were not their story, but Rose was happy to flip over a new page with her Juleka every single day. Many years ago, she was put to this tower by her parents and her kingdom, along with a fire breathing dragon, so she could find her prince charming one day. How foolish for them to not calculate her falling in love with the dragon. I mean seriously. How could she not?

I love fairy tale type stories, especially fractured fairy tales. And Juleka being a dragon is awesome. This is just a fun and adorable story.

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The echoes there of me and you (The voices that are carrying this tune) by @tiredfloridianbutverygay

Juleka finds herself gifted an old castle in Scotland by an auntie she never even knew she had. At first, she's thinking she'll use it as a vacation home. Then she meets Rose, a ghostly blonde woman from another time who's been alone for decades and who's achingly in need of a friend. Juleka's never believed in the paranormal, the supernatural but it's hard to deny the blonde's existence. It's also hard to deny her growing affection for the specter. The specter, who Juleka knows should be moving on and the specter who Juleka knows might just need a bit of help doing so...

#ask #miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic rec

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bpdetrimental · 1 month

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I recently reconnected with the girl of my dreams who I’ve loved since I was 16; she was my first everything and I was her first everything. I’m bisexual and I helped her learn who she is.

I left my previous partner for her, and everything was perfect and fine until I recently had a meltdown about two weeks ago. I was selfish and not taking account of what she was/is going through. Since I was “normal” with her, I didn’t expect her to become my fp…but naturally she did when I came to my parents house. She said she wanted to marry me before I came here. She hasn’t been able to give me the attention my stupid brain thinks it deserves. So naturally I do the thing where I spam text her and freak out and make her feel really bad and feel like she isn’t enough. We haven’t spoken in almost a week and it’s killing me. She either leaves me on read or doesn’t even read my messages.

I am terrified I pushed her away and the “real me” slipped out and scared her, as I did not have these feelings when we were together in person. For several months I didn’t have this go on. It’s been years since I’ve had a meltdown this bad. She knows I’m bipolar but I haven’t told her about my BPD. I’ve gone from angry to understanding to sad and talked about suic1de a lot, and I know that scared her.

She said she we both needed to heal and work on ourselves two weeks ago and that’s what sent me to spiral I think. I’m not sure what to do and I feel like the girl I’ve loved for so long is now too annoyed and overwhelmed to talk to me, or even want to be with me anymore. I gave up everything so I could have a chance to be with her and she’s always said she loved me and wanted to be with me, she said we felt the same. And I feel like I ruined it.

My friends say I need to give her space but when I get bad I spam text. How do I handle this situation? Please help. I feel awful and I don’t want to lose her.

A situation like this can be especially difficult to handle. From a rational perspective, she is entirely in her right to feel that way, seeing as you mentioned you made her feel really bad and as if she isn’t enough. There, you may have messed up quite a bit. On her end, she may be doubting the feelings you have with her, and seeing you spam her may come across as you regretting having done it for selfish reasons.

This is why I really think you should be open and honest with her. To be vulnerable and to expose yourself is not something to be taken lightly. I know how uncomfortable it can be, to lay your cards out all on the table and allow them to make their decision.

Do not spam.

Write out your thoughts and gather them first before trying to contact her again. But I believe it’s what’s best to do. Every time I have made irrational decisions with my partner, I had to self reflect and come back to him, telling him my feelings and he helped me find ways we could overcome the problem, or would be reassuring.

Tell her about your bpd, tell her about how you’ve been feeling. But make sure to do it rationally. Try your best to not let your emotions dictate what you’re going to say. We tend to be led by our feelings, and that’s when things come crashing down.

She has told you she’s loved you, that she wants to marry you. Feelings do not fade over night, so I have no doubt she still does. For you to be honest and open with her should not change anything. You are still the same person she fell in love with. The same person who helped her find herself. Sure, you may have messed up. But things like that are bound to happen in a bpd relationship. What’s important is you let her make the choice. If she chooses to, you get the chance to prove yourself.

If you do not have a therapist, find someone trustworthy to talk about your feelings to. That way you do not lash out at her. Make a blog, as I have done, to get your feelings out somewhere. Find time to gather your thoughts, take deep breaths. Think about the core reason as to why you are feeling these emotions towards her and remind yourself that she is not the problem, she didn’t cause your trauma.

She was right, you both have to work on yourselves. But that does not mean she hates you, or that she loves you any less. You need time, find the best ways to cope. And approach her gently. She may be like a wounded lamb, you need a gentle hand to heal her. Do not push her further away.

#personally detrimental #detrimental answers #detrimental advice #actually bpd #bpd #bpd culture is #bpd feels #bpd safe #bpd vent #bpd problems #bpd thoughts #cluster b

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morningstar-warriors · 1 month

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Stuff I Hope to Test at Today’s Game

Team turns

good guys go as a group, ideally to make everything teamwork based and encourage people to work together. Bad guys go as a group, making them a bit more menacing. Hopefully will save me time too.

Why do I wanna do this? I don’t know I feel like standard initiative order sorta just encourages people to go in alone rather then help someone or think of something cool together. This concept can be better tweaked with time but its been on my mind.

Combat, armor, and damage

I changed all this stuff kinda drastically and have not tested it much at all. I can say with confidence I am NOT VERY CERTAIN about it. Its just very different especially in regards to the D&D-esque combat ways.

Combat I’m afraid is gonna feel lame and less impactful. Also afraid people will get hurt really bad super fast but idk a lot of their armor is pretty high.

Healing

Actually using and collecting herbs in a way that is less rp based. I love the floaty nature of rp and will probably still allow it anyways. Also as a GM I am always micro-managing and have recently learned I Very Likely Have Short Term Memory Loss. Which explains so MUCH. I will TRY to remember this…

Further explanation, you will be able to carry like 4 herbs or whatever, of you use one there’s now 3 like keep track of your stock. I’m sorry I could word this better but idk

Recording

I’ve recorded a few games in the past, but none with this amount of effort. I’m intimidated and a bit nervous.

I’m mostly afraid of my short comings as a GM being shown off to the world. My players have fun, and thats awesome. But I’m not The Worlds Best GM.

BUT the point of this was to show off my game, not to show off me and my friends. I don’t care about how well they preform, so I shouldn’t worry about my performance either.

The Chips I Made in Roll20

This I am hyped for in a nerdy way cause I love being able to use stuff thats so handy in person online. It will also help me keep track of who’s using their chips and how many they have so no one can like… Infinitely use knacks.

————————- :3

NOTES TO SELF:

Re-Read your book RE-READ IT SO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOUR GAME WORKS you are the Rules Guy you wrote them so you need to remember them LOL

Re-Read your session plans and notes, review everyone’s sheets. Reviewing sheets is a cool way to remember people’s strengths and give them the opportunity to use said strengths!

Remember that the players also have to uphold their own engagement to have a good time. Not every little detail is within your control and shouldn’t be!

#games #game 16 #oh my god 16 games wow #we’re really going crazy in this #This is honestly a hilarious arc to record because #I feel like I jumped the shark completely with this one #like its just gonna be weird I feel #tho then again idk #I just want to properly end this game #and for my friends to have fun

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fastcardotmp3 · 1 year

Note

Hi hi!! I just recently finished Metamorphoses and have been thinking about it for a week solid. Just. Incredible. I’m talking about it with irls, that’s how much I’ve been THINKING.

I had a question relating to the epilogue; Eddie mentions that he and Steve broke up at one point but eventually came back together. What do you think was the cause for that official break? And what precipitated their getting together again? (I’m assuming the pauses that Eddie and Steve take in the fic are not the “official” breakup)

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us, and for putting so much love into what you do. ❤️

hi hello!!! I'm honored it's hung around in your brain that long thank you so much for your kind words😭but honestly what a coincidence because I am actually ALWAYS thinking about that universe 🥹💚

I would love to answer your question because the only reason I didn't include any of that in the actual epilogue is it would've screwed with the pacing So Much to go on a tangent like that (in an admittedly already too-long epilogue), but I've definitely thought about it!

Under the cut because it's me 🐍

The thing about where they're at by the end of the post-S4 timeline in that fic is they've grown and changed and matured a lot during that year and a half, right? They've learned so much about themselves and each other and where they fit, but they're also still so fucking young.

They're young enough that there's still just so much space for growing and changing to keep happening, and that's not an easy thing to always stick together through even when you're not prone to mental health relapses like these guys are.

They started working towards a proper Relationship with the capital R while they were still on kind of rocky ground healing wise, and no matter how solid they feel by chapter 10, someday they're going to be 25 and things will be changing again, they'll be changing again.

All of a sudden they're moving to a new city for each other and leaving behind the only place they've ever known each other and trying to find their footing all over again.

All of a sudden Eddie's changing career paths and making plans for a future he never thought he'd have and Steve is leaving behind all his repair-work clients in Indy and having to start fresh in Chicago.

All of a sudden there's a great big world outside of their door that's bigger than just them, and sure, that's always been the case, but maybe they got so comfortable in their bubble that going outside of it is as exciting as it is difficult.

There's so much still to learn about themselves, and they're both deeply imperfect, right? For Eddie there's the anxiety of losing his sense of self again and the ungrounded nature of that; for Steve there's maybe some lingering fear or even resentment for what it had felt like the last time Eddie decided to get up and go.

It's not just one thing, it's bigger than them just like the world, and it's Steve, ultimately, who decides he's scared enough of all the big upheavals that he can't be attached to Eddie like that right now, trapped in a tiny apartment together with nowhere for all the complexity to go.

Steve says he can't take care of himself while he's waiting for the other shoe to drop on Eddie's end of things, and so he walks away before Eddie can.

It's a break in the maturity, a taking over of old fears, but it makes sense, and even if it lasts less than 3 months in total, maybe it's good for them too.

Good to realize that they do exist outside of one another, that they don't need each other the way they once thought they did, but that they want each other all the same.

That it's no longer about not being able to stand without one another, and instead it's about standing by his side, holding his hand, even though he's got steady footing on his own two feet.

Steve is the one to walk away, and this time? It's Eddie who comes to him.

It's Eddie who says, I don't think I ever really grasped what it was like for you when I ran. I don't think I ever really apologized. I'm sorry.

It's Eddie who lays it all out on the table and makes it clear, I don't need you to fix me anymore, I just like holding your hand.

They still have so much space to grow and change, but the thing is, three months apart helps them realize maybe they're capable of doing it together.

Maybe it doesn't have to be earth-shattering every time.

Maybe it can last, as long as they keep working for it, wanting it, choosing it.

Just because they survived the end of the world doesn't mean they'll automatically be able to survive all the small stuff too, they know now, but they have the fight in them. The want.

And that's what really matters.

#ask #dot thought #metamorphoses fic #thank you for asking i could literally talk about these dudes all day 😭#kindnesses

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mdazzle151 · 4 months

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Content creation and the things I miss

Being on an indefinite hiatus has really made me think a lot about what I did and didn’t enjoy about content creation as a whole, and it’s been pretty eye opening.

Obviously, there’s parts of it that I miss. The community, namely. But there’s other things too. I miss streaming- it was always really fun to be live and able to chat directly with my audience in real time while we draw together.

The redesign videos were really fun to make as well! I still have ideas of what I want the future redesigns to be for the “phantasi revamp”. I think I want the twins to be sea monsters! I’ve had a general idea of what I think they would look like in my head for a long time, but I never got around to doing it before I left.

I’m never sure if it’s self-centred or not- (recently I’ve been leaning towards not self-centred)- but I watch my videos a lot too. I put a lot of work and love into all of them, especially the later ones, and it’s fun to look back on them. Not to toot my own horn, but I think they’re pretty entertaining!

There’s parts of editing that I miss- it was always a long process, but I can honestly say I enjoyed every part of it. Sometimes it was just hard to find the motivation to finish.

I still get comments every now and then on videos, and I read them all. Some of them are really sweet-actually a good majority of them are really sweet! One person wished me a happy birthday in March and it just about made me cry /pos

I’ve been enjoying interacting on Tumblr, and I still want to take things slow, but the more the days pass, the more tempted I am to start streaming again.

Part of me is disappointed in that felling, but I’m trying to be easy on myself for that. There’s no way I could’ve known how I would feel now, seven months later. Five if you’re counting from December.

The deal I made with myself was that I would stay “offline” for a minimum of six months- and ideally would be gone for two years so I could focus on my studies.

But honestly, if I’m missing content creation this much only six-ish months in, I’m wondering if I’m going to make it to that two year milestone. Maybe I won’t, maybe I will, but I need to remind myself that healing happens at different speeds. Maybe I thought I needed a longer time to heal and I just didn’t. Maybe I’m not ready to go back yet. I’m still figuring it out, I’m trying to take it slow.

Exploring my comfort on Tumblr has been interesting to say the least! It’s been fun, and I haven’t had anxiety around it. I’m really happy. I haven’t been focussing on the numbers or amount of interaction. I’ve just been having fun sharing my thoughts and drawings, which is what I want out of content creation.

When I left seven months ago, it was because of bad mental health and connecting self-worth to what I’m able to create. I still struggle with self-worth, but I think I’ve successfully separated it from my creativity- and in doing so, I’ve realized that I love Contant creation because of the creativity- not the possibility for opportunity.

I’ve noticed a pattern in every aspect of content creation that I have longed for in my time away. Everything I’ve had an itch to do has had to do with sharing creativity and passion for the art of creation. Where I used to think about play buttons and numbers and conventions- I now think about all the little details that I love about making videos and comics and stories.

Script writing, editing, recording voice overs, implementing comedy, delivering a message, exploring my artistic boundaries, over analyzing my old work, teaching others what I taught myself… there’s so much that I enjoy about it, and it makes my heart blossom knowing that THESE are the parts of being a CC that I miss, not the analytics and competition.

I’ve said for years that I see it as a hobby- a creative outlet for me and my community, and I truly believe that! But I’d be a liar if I said it was always this way. There were definitely times where I was focussing way too much on the career aspect of it, even though I haven’t wanted that to be my career for years now.

This break has really been good for me and my mental health- and it’s been really good for me to reconnect with what I actually enjoy about what I did.

I know that I’ll always struggle with mental health in some capacity- this isn’t something that you can just miracle away, after all. It’s going to be something that I struggle with for a lifetime, and even though that’s a hard pill to swallow, I’m slowly accepting it. I won’t ever be 100% okay, and that’s okay. what’s important to me is that I keep my heart happy and find joy in life- remember what I love and why I love it.

I get a little burst of excitement in my stomach when I think about returning too much. I’m not sure when it will happen, and I’m still not going to say it will happen (I have no idea what the future holds), but for now I can say wholeheartedly that I do hope I will return soon, wether soon means next month or next year.

Have a little excerpt from one of my journal entries, as a treat :) I think it explains my feelings pretty well.

“I still think about my past online, but not nearly as much as I used to. It’s just part of my history and that’s okay. I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. And that feels really nice.” - March 19 2024

(Maybe it’s a little ironic since I did just explain myself in great detail- but I think it’s important to note that I wrote this all because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to.)

Merci beaucoup, tout le monde. Bonne journée et à bientôt.

#chatting but longer (thoughts)#long post

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cl0udpup · 2 years

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Autism self-discovery

This post will be detailing the thread I referenced in my last post. Here we go.

I’ve spent the last few months researching autism, trying to decide if it fits for me. I feel like I need to basically write a report with all the reasons I may or may not be autistic, before bringing it up to anyone in my personal life.

I’ve already gone through so many diagnoses, mental and physical health, because I’ve had so many problems my entire life. This adds to my fear of being disbelieved, or called a hypochondriac, or that people might think I’m just collecting diagnoses. In reality, I’ve known there’s something wrong and/or different about me as long as I can remember.

Some things fit, and give me a sense of relief and understanding. As time goes on, and other symptoms or circumstances clear, I feel I get closer to witnessing the real me. The clearer a picture I get, the more at peace I feel.

Right now, I’m at the end of a year that’s been almost entirely focused on my health issues. I found myself more disabled than ever before (and learned for the first time that I do indeed fit that label,) unable to work, do hobbies, take care of myself... I was falling apart.

Thankfully, also for the first time, I have genuine, unwavering, non-judgmental support. I have someone who believes and validates my struggles, and encourages me to continue healing.

After my physical ailments were brought under control, I was able to focus on my mental health. I went back to therapy, got a psychiatrist, adjusted my depression/anxiety meds, got diagnosed with ADHD - Inattentive type, started meds for it recently.

Yesterday I felt clarity like never before. I realized I felt “nothing”. I felt “normal.” It was amazing.

I’ve mentioned this before, but being sober now has been wildly eye opening as well. I’m sober, stable, medicated, and feel I finally can look at myself and my life, free from the fog.

I have always questioned WHY my life has been the way it is. Why I’ve had such a hard time, despite my best efforts, despite using any resources I could, despite trying to be self aware, research and learn about my problems, my behavior, my thinking.

ADHD explains a lot, but my experiences don’t fully align with other ADHD’ers I talk to or read about. In contrast, I feel seen when interacting with autists online, especially with AuDHD’ers.

The experience of being:

so sensitive (in every way)

chronically both over and under-stimulated

feeling like an outsider

excelling in some areas (or appearing to) but struggling deeply in others

always falling behind / can never catch up

quirky and annoying

drawn to “weird” subcultures

bouncing around to communities without a group to call home

desperately plotting routines and schedules, but never able to stick to anything

always trying to “get my life together”

I’ve been searching for so long for an answer to explain everything, why I feel so deeply, like I’m too sensitive for this world; I don’t understand how people can be so detached and uncaring. I’ve just been bewildered by it all, and don’t understand why people think I’M the weird one for caring so much about everything.

I’ve read others stories I see myself in. I feel it could be me, but I just still am scared, and don’t know. I told my therapist today I think my sibling is autistic, and we are alike in many ways. I’m thinking next week, maybe I’ll say: maybe I am too.

The replies:

“The fact you connect with what you’re learning about Autism and especially AuDHD’ers lived experiences is a good indication. Internalized ableism and Autistiphobia are hard to overcome.

I learned I was AuDHD as a young adult, and while it was liberatory in a way, I felt it was wrong of me to co-opt something I didn’t think I deserved to take the title of, as there were people who have more or different support needs. That was the ableism.

It’s okay to take your time. Feeling the need to justify your existence to others is their neuro-normative expectations on you, not your burden to bear.”

“I’m autistic and have all the traits you mentioned too.”

“Whatever you decide, you’re welcome between us! It took me a couple years to bring it to people close to me, and even then I have been really guarded about it in general, that’s ok too!”

“This is wildly autistic; which is to say, so awesome. You don’t need a test to know who you are.”

“I relate to a lot of what you shared. I went from social anxiety to BPD to cPTSD to ADHD before ever considering autism. I needed to know why I am so different and why life is so hard for me. I needed validation which I never got before finding the autistic community here.”

“This is autistic as fuck. Reminder that autism self-dx is absolutely valid. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.”

“You do you and what works for you, but as soon as I started reading your thread I was like hmmm, yep, sounds very familiar! :)”

“That would be a very autistic thing to do, you probably don’t need to do the list. ;)”

“Something I’m learning is that people who are not autistic don’t spend time wondering if they are.”

“This is me but 4 years of intensive research. My traits are recorded in sections in a document.”

“This first post right here is all the diagnosis you need. You just described the most autistic thing. This is the journey for so many of us. Welcome to the club.”

“So you’re saying you’re autistic then. ;) I agonized as well, making lists, weighing ADHD with ASD. Then I came here and talked about it and was assured that NT’s don’t make lists about whether they’re autistic or not. In fact, their brains are apparently rather quiet from what I hear.”

“There’s not much in the world that’s more autistic than extensive research on whether or not you’re autistic.”

“Making a list is a very autistic approach. I use it often.”

“This tweet shows your autism. Extensive research and writing a report, that’s your autism tell right there. Also, no one who isn’t autistic wants to be autistic. You have done the research; self-diagnosis is VALID because of gatekeeping of the diagnosis.”

#gosh #actually autistic #autistic #autism #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #self advocacy #autistic community #validation #autistic af #i love making lists

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lycanthrology · 2 years

Note

1. Your first OC ever? / 2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs? / 12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot / 19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) / 25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?) / 32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? / 44. Something you like about your OCs in general

Yeah this is long

1. Your first OC ever?

I could dig up some old notebooks and share some of the worst characters you’ve ever seen in your life. One that’s sticking out to me is a werewolf called Maze. When I was 7 or so, my friend group got me to write them into a sparticle mystery inspired apocalypse situation. The characters were NOT meant to be us 😡😡😡 but it was very clear that they were. Each was a different fantasy/horror creature like vampire, ghost, siren etc and I can't remember anything about Maze except she was a werewolf and my shitty self insert. And I got very angry because a teacher read it and pronounced her name as Maisy. It’s Maze like the labyrinth like the CORN

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs?

Lennox and Kaleela mean so much to me. Especially when they talk to each other. It’s fun to write their interactions. I’ve been getting into William a lot recently. Underrated.

12. Name an OC that isn’t yours but who you like a lot

Your OC Weston!! I might’ve spelled his name wrong. I don’t know much but I think about him often. @vonkarma2 ‘s wizard world is rotting my brain near on 24/7. Rocio, Cirillo, Lucia, Gloria, + Jacinto in particular.

If anyone ever wants to talk about their OCs, please message me. I love hearing about them and will get so excited

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why)

Oh I can’t do this. I’m going to say Crow but not for the reason you’ll expect.

I haven’t talked about this much but Crow has Klinefelter's and is intersex, and even though this has very little impact on the actual narrative (debatable. I don’t have the time to explain this but there is quite a lot of subtext) and he doesn’t even know it himself, it’s so important to me that he’s there living in that body.

I can count the amount of intersex characters that exist on one hand. And most of them are offensive or distasteful. Like two characters merged into one body, mutants, or some kind of alien or nonhuman creature (<- yes I know crow is nonhuman too but it’s ok this time because i said so. Also if you know him he’s far more than just ‘nonhuman creature’) Even if an intersex character is considered ‘good representation’, they’re always so boring!! Even in independent work by LGBT+ authors there are rarely intersex characters. Forget about intersex headcanons or OCs. There’s nothing at all and it’s so isolating. And even if there is, people erase their intersexuality by calling them trans or nonbinary when they’re intercis. Just make intersex characters!! Do it!! If you get it wrong, at least you’re trying

So when Crow fits the archetype of the beloved miserable bad boy, wrestling with his identity and personhood, murderer with so many problems begrudgingly working with the protagonists, but he’s existing as an intersex man(!!) That’s revolutionary to me. It’s very healing. If nobody else is doing it, you’ve got to take matters into your own hands

25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?)

I’m like Harry Dashwood because I want to be in the House of Lords and would push Crow down a flight of stairs. That’s a joke. Kaleela because I’m annoying about bad films, love my friends, and have an unfounded fear that everyone hates me.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

Lennox. He’s smart, and brave, and he knows when to quit. But he’s so recklessly curious. Kind of guy to investigate a strange noise in a forest alone at midnight. Kind of guy to spend a month trying to solve an ARG. Kind of guy that escapes the narrative then comes back a year later because [bloodborne voice] oh how the secrets beckon so sweetly. He isn’t an idiot and he won’t persue something pointless or overtly dangerous. Sometimes something will get lodged in his head and he Needs to investigate it.

44. Something you like about your OCs in general

Name one good decision any of them have ever made. You can’t.

#answers #jv tag #oc stuff #WAHOO sorry this took forever

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dkniade · 2 years

Note

i love the way you write 😭😭 i’ve checked out a bunch of your stuff over the last few days and i am eyeballing your works respectively

from one midnight poet to another — what inspires you to take up poetry as a medium? who are your favorite authors/poets/inspirations?

Ahh, thank you! That’s very flattering to hear!

As for what inspires me to write poetry… Mostly my own feelings and thoughts, I’d say. The same goes for writing and journaling, but when I’m upset I find poetry to be one of the fastest mediums (if I’m in the mood to do so) to relieve my stress, anger— something like that. Personally it works much better for stress and anger towards particular things than sadness because if I’m just sad with no reason, finding words and essentially finding a concrete thing to be sad about makes it worse for me. Though with that being said, I’m trying to learn how to write wholesome poems about healing, as well. (I think.)

Poetry, to me, is an amplifier and a type of freedom, I guess. There are some things I can’t really say to others in real life, but in poetry I’ve no audience (in the sense that I’m not actually speaking to anyone) so I don’t have to worry about my diction and tone.

But also, I think poetry is a great way to tell a character's story concisely, maybe even in-character too, especially if the character is a poet themselves. Writing in-character poems, for example my Venti poems “Flute Song” and “Song of Feathers Fit For Flight”, forces me to think like the character and then kind of create something as the character, which I find interesting. I'm writing as the character who’s writing something themselves.

As for other poets/inspirations… Initially it was anime opening themes, particularly Hello Sleepwalkers’ “Goya no Machiawase” (Overnight Appointment/Midnight Rendezvous) because of the idea of going towards and talking to oneself.

おやすみ　その絶望を受け取って

明日への僕は歩き始めた

また今夜　待ち合わせよう

Good night, I accept this despair and

Started walking towards tomorrow

Let’s meet again tonight!

And then it changed to the VOCALOID producer Neru’s works in his first two albums Sekai Seifuku and My Name Is Love Song. If I had to pick songs then I’d say “How To World Domination”. (Note: This is Oktavia’s translation which conveys the intentions well I’d say)

どうせ愛なんてって薄幸ぶって強がっても

きっと本心じゃ疚しさに襲われて

どうだい現状の僕は

そうかい、どうしようもないな

うるさいなお前なんて大嫌いだ

Even if I say “To hell with love”, embracing my misery and feigning a “I’ve stopped giving a shit” sort of air

I know I couldn’t do that without feeling ashamed for hiding how I really feel

How goes things, my present day self?

Oh I see, it’s hopeless, huh?

God you piss me off, I hate you so much!

and “Terror”

やられたらやり返せ君の番だ捨てた夢の全てを拉致しろ

心の居場所を賭したレジスタンス

笑われたその分だけ笑い返せ言わば人生のクーデター

勝ちも負けもない延長戦僕らの反撃前夜

If they strike at you, strike back! It’s your turn now! Take back every one of your abandoned dreams

It’s a resistance where your heart’s place is at stake

Laugh back only as much as you were laughed at! A coup d’état of life, so to speak

Going into overtime with neither wins nor losses

It’s the eve of our counterattack

But recently it’s been the alt-folk band The Amazing Devil’s lyrics. I like their style and their rhythm and rhymes a lot, but also I LOVE their call-and-response sort of conversational lyrics. I guess I’m finally thinking about that more since, well, they write songs in English where the aforementioned aspects are easier to pick out (than in Japanese).

I remember for my “The Immature Liege and the Heartless Joker”, I was inspired by “The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace”. (You can see it even in the title too.)

'Cause we'll dance together so close we're sharing breath

But now I'm leading, doesn't that just scare you to death?

'Cause I'm all yours, you're all mine

Let's dance together, you and I

'Cause I'm not trapped, oh with you, you see

You're the one who's trapped with me

And then, “Farewell Wanderlust” has the “flirting with your (metaphorical) enemy” sort of vibe that I also really like.

"Come, devil, come, " she sang, "call out my name"

Let's take this outside, 'cause we're one and the same

Our gods have abandoned us, left us instead

Take up arms, take my hand, let us waltz for the dead

Defiance. It seems in the songs and artists I like, there’s always a sense of defiance against unpleasant feelings. I like the idea of telling yourself to be stronger and stand up for yourself, or if you’re not ready for that yet, then at least face your feelings as they are without trying to soften it to make them sound acceptable. It’s what I strive for in my pieces too.

#dusk answers #hello sleepwalkers #Goya no machiawase #Neru #Neruke #how to world domination #the amazing devil #the old witch sleep and the good man grace #farewell wanderlust

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lets-talk-spirituality · 2 years

Text

Where have you been?

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a long post and it’s because I’m just going through a lot of shifting within myself. Maybe some of what I share can help you.

End of August I moved like halfway across the world from where I was living previously and since then I’ve been adjusting to so much. This place is so healing and beautiful and I can feel so much of the peace I’ve been yearning for.

I’m working through a lot of releasing of the past, dreaming of old lovers and bosses. I had a very toxic boss for three years and I’m still healing a few months after leaving. I just quit in late July so I’m still processing through that. I didn’t realize how much healing I still needed but it’s been showing up in dreams.

Woah oh oh it’s magic!

Lately the universe has been doing some amazing magic in my life. One new thing is that I’ve been allowed to at times see myself through the eyes of someone who loves me. It’s like randomly I will get this amazingly confident feeling of how cool I am and strong and beautiful and it’s like woah, where’s that coming from, but truth is I am all those things and I don’t need to down myself to appear humble. If I wanna be cocky it would be a start to the years I spent beating myself up. But it’s like I can see myself outside of my own critical self lens and there is so much beauty in that.

I’ve also been feeling like I don’t need to justify myself. I’ve been spending most of my weekends just relaxing and sitting in nature and there’s this internal shame that comes up. I’ve been telling it to fuck off and questioning where I got that doing nothing means I’m good for nothing or have nothing going on. Rest is actually an active choice I’m making to build up energy for all that I feel is already in my orbit. I had this insight once about how warriors can’t keep fighting well if they never heal and rest after battle. I’m sick of fighting wounded. Flowers don’t bloom year around. It’s okay to rest and be dormant. Life isn’t too short to find peace.

New Skills

I’m building new skills. Rest is a skill. Peace is a skill. Joy is a skill. All ones that are new to me. Although I recently experienced a timeline shift, my energy is still shifting and as I heal, more shifts. The universe asked me to stop smoking nicotine earlier this year but I wasn’t there yet. About two/three weeks ago I stopped. And honestly the only reason is because that is a coping mechanism I’ve outgrown and no longer need. An older version of me used that to cope but the me I’m becoming doesn’t. Holding onto that habit was holding me back and the second I let that go, I felt a shift. I’d never condemn habits as bad but there does come a time when holding onto something that we used to need keeps us in that old energy. I’m not that person anymore and letting myself let go of things isn’t easy. I miss the habit of smoking itself, not even nicotine but like all things, I will become used to this new normal too.

Exhaustion

Part of my quest to stop smoking has also been I’m just fucking tired all the time and have been since like the start of the pandemic. I realized that my mind is constantly thinking and manifesting in the background. I also had a breakthrough in therapy where we made the connection that codependency (putting others feelings before your own) is actually anxiety and it blew my mind. Taking antidepressants has been so wonderful for me, and so I’m determined now to try anti anxiety medication to help with the overthinking, ruminating thoughts and other ways that anxiety manifests. I think it may be part of why I’m so tired. But I know part is just filtering all that’s happening in the world. The more I heal the more I can filter and the less it effects me.

Megaformer!

I also said yes to myself and started a new workout class I love. I was warring with myself about the cost but I realized if I want to be the girl who does this workout then I need to do it! And honestly when I told people the price they were like that’s not that much. Perspective! If I want to become the me I want to be then I have to do what she does. All these choices are putting me in the energy of who I am. I’m letting myself be me finally. If green juice is basic, so what I’m basic! I don’t care about anything but figuring out ways to love being alive. I realized the whole point of exercise is to spend one on one time gaining trust and confidence in your body. This class focuses a lot on strength and it’s been amazing to focus my mind and challenge my body this way.

In summation:

Anyway! I’m still around and will do a long post soon I hope but I’m just like all of you. Just because I know things doesn’t mean I’m not still growing and being challenged. I’m still human and I’m still figuring out how to heal and move on from toxic situations, learning to let go of people and things and ideas, learning to love myself and how to talk to myself and treat myself better. The energy shifting I’ve been doing takes a lot of self work and energy. Changing takes a lot of effort and intention and consistency. The abundance and joy I’m reeling into myself takes a lot of energy. I love all of you and I hope some of what I shared maybe helps you too.

#magic #self growth #self reflection #self awareness #new skills #about mod

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str82theheartpls · 2 years

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Therapy is for Understanding not Healing

Some of my friends refuse to go to therapy. I’ll admit, it’s a small subset of my huuuuuge group of friends (lol) but they exist! My post- or currently in- therapy friends and I, who have been therapized, therapize each other, read Freud and Jung, and psychoanalyze other friends when they’re not in the room with analyses so in-depth so scathing you’d think we get paid for our time, can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to go to therapy.

Up until recently, I thought it was because they were scared of introspection. Now, I think it has to do with the POINT of therapy. The why behind it. The whole reason we’re there.

Around 1890, as Freud was writing his work, Studies on Hysteria, he wrote that the end goal of therapy was to turn the patient’s “hysterical misery into uncommon happiness.” In other words, Freud just wants your brain to function at a normal level, so that you too can join in the suffering that is the human experience!😊

But today, therapists, influencers who claim to be therapists, characters in movies, tv shows, and books, and normal IRL people will have you believe that therapy is THE panacea. Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist), a clinical psychologist with 6 million Instagram followers, writes in her Instagram bio for all to see, “I teach you to heal + consciously create a new version of yourself.”

👁️👄👁️To heal AND to create a completely new version of myself?!?! Seems like a lofty goal to me. But go off I guess!

Freud in his writings, was constantly doubting his techniques, questioning the efficacy of psychoanalysis and other therapies, and even questioning himself. So he was a #humble king.

But I’ve noticed that now, through societal expectations and online culture, therapy promises prospective clients a lot. There’s a lot of talk about “healing generational trauma,” “breaking old patterns,” and “self-actualization.” (To be clear, I don’t really blame professionals and the field of Psychology and Therapy for this, I mostly blame TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter.)

But if the one and only Father of Psychology (or as I like to call him, the Daddy of Psychology) believes that therapy isn’t about fixing and is instead about understanding, then how did we get here? And is having this lofty expectation of complete and utter healing keeping people from going to therapy?

The way I understand Freud’s above quote is this: The ultimate goal of therapy is not to really improve or cure the person but to get them to make their unconscious ideas, wishes, fears, and desires conscious. If we don’t believe in unconscious/conscious thoughts, then we can say that Freud believed the ultimate goal of therapy was to help the client understand their actions, mistakes, desires, wishes, fears, etc.

And once someone truly understands themselves, digs deep, and confronts the fears and desires that they try so hard to bury in their subconscious, then we come to another problem: they are suddenly deeply unhappy, because they’re able to now judge themselves for these things that were once hidden.

And maybe that’s the most difficult part of therapy: uncovering beliefs and thoughts that you’ve held deep inside for so long and having to reckon with what truly makes you human. I feel like that’s what makes introspection so difficult. We really want to like ourselves, and if we know too much, we might not like ourselves!😨

So that’s one reason why my friends might be avoiding therapy. Okay fine. That’s somewhat, maybe understandable!

BUT WHAT IF…. They’re avoiding therapy not because they’re scared of their true selves, but because they’re scared to start therapy thinking that they’ll never reach this lofty goal of self-actualization and complete healing that is promised to us TODAY but that Freud doesn’t actually believe in?

This seems closer to the truth for me. Today, we have a big emphasis on HEALING which shouldn’t be the actual goal of therapy. The goal of therapy I think is to truly understand our actions, motives, and desires so that we can then gain control of these things.

I think capitalism and the internet have created this belief that therapy should completely heal us. Because if it doesn’t completely “heal” us why are we paying for it? Capitalism has existed for so long, but mix capitalism with social media and constant ideas and phenomena being turned into fodder for influencers, and you get the societal belief that therapy needs a PRODUCT in order for it to be worth it under capitalism. What makes therapy worth it? The complete eradication of all your problematic behaviors, urges that stem from past experiences, toxic traits, etc.

So moving forward, I hope we can use Freud’s goal of therapy rather than Instagram’s. If not for us, then let’s do it for my friends. They really need it. 😉

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standingontheoverpassscreaming · 7 months

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Worried I’m a bit in the weeds with this and as a human service worker for disabled ppl I need perspective, preferably from disabled/chronically ill folk.

a close friend of mine has had health complaints as long as I have known her. initially, it was an unconfirmed diagnosis of endometriosis. a constantly under diagnosed condition in AFAB people. affected her in a myriad of ways. despite constant complaints- to the point of it and her cats dominating our conversations like literally would just call to talk about her back pain and her cats playing and nothing else- and despite leaving multiple jobs while citing chronic pain as the reason, took her years to see a doctor. And then another year or so when the doctor blew her off like I warned her they would. which is discouraging, I know, but I gave her the statistics and discussed medical self advocacy in depth repeatedly every time she called to gripe and used shitty doctors as her reason for inaction. I actually ended up ghosting her for like a year because I couldn’t handle the constant calls that ignored the fact that I had a life and experiences of my own while repeating the same shit, often verbatim, and also overly in depth, overly explained.

We also talked about her mental health, coping with trauma, falling into and working on recovery from addiction from poor mental health. She booked what? One appointment? With the local sliding scale psych office where she said the meds made her nauseous then kept “forgetting to book again”

when she wormed her way back in, she was back at work and had finally, finally, pursued more medical attention. she’d had a colonoscopy and a gall bladder removal which apparently did nothing to help her issue but did exacerbate her IBS. and she’d apparently been fighting a constant battle against kidney stones that no one would do anything about apparently and it made her back pain worse… or caused it idk? for all the repetitive, drawn out, over explanations, I’m still not sure which. but she recently quit this job, which was night shift at a gym, complaining that they expected her to do more cleaning than day shift which exacerbated her pain. okay cool, desk job time right? She though so too until she decided that she misses bartending. And now she’s back to the calls. The long calls where she doesn’t even ask what I’m doing despite it being the middle of my fucking work day to tell me about how she’s gotta piss in a jug for testing. And how she’s gonna try to bartend again. Even though I pointed out that there’s a lot more on your feet and lifting heavy shit with bartending than the night shift gym gig where you had to greet 5 people, sweep up, then sit and read behind the counter for 8 hours. Also reminded her about the jobs that were sedentary that she had specifically asked me to look for. But more long winded explanations and yeah no she quit bartending bc of the pain but mostly bc of management.

Let’s not forget a few nights ago when I pointed out AGAIN that she was working herself up into anxiety and doing the anxious over explainer shit AGAIN and recommended therapy AFUCKINGGAIN and all the sudden her complaints about her mental health disappeared bc actually she likes her anxious thought processes and actually she thinks she’d more anxious if she could slow down her thoughts and aCtUaLlY she doesn’t want to heal up that anxiety

And the thing is that I believe her. She does experience chronic pain. She does deal with health concerns. Her mental health is subpar.

But I don’t know where the line is and I can’t keep having her ignore me as a person and use me as an endless dispenser of advice she refuses to take despite asking for it. I can’t be the ear that bends to all her complaints while she literally ignores what’s going on in my life. And I mean, I’ve dealt with chronic hip and knee pain for like a decade now, but I don’t call and wax poetic, I went to professionals until I got at least enough help to reduce flare up frequency and severity. I don’t use my cptsd, history of manic depression, and (now! because guess who actually did and is doing the therapy thing!) history of anxiety as an excuse. And even when I was in the throes of it, I didn’t wreck my life about it then use these issues as an excuse for it to those who loved me.

I can’t stay in this fucking cycle anymore because it sucks so bad to watch her take little steps forward then giant steps back. And it sucks even worse to have to do constant emotional labor about it.

And I know I’m pissed off and tired but what I need to know is am I being fucking ableist? Because I have dedicated my career to disability services and advocacy and I know it’s not the same when it’s personal like this, but I use what I’ve learned to try to help her but she seems to ignore it so she can call and tell me the exact same shit on a too-long phone call the next week

#personal #plz advise #I think there’s a chance I’m being a piece of shit #but I also recognize that her emotional immaturity place a significant role here

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dalchiid · 1 year

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Hey! I really love you and your works, but I just need some advice…

I recently just got friendzoned by a guy i really liked and really though I had a chance with… and it hurts so much because I think the reasons are more on the levels of physical attraction, I don’t fit the Asian beauty standards and not skinny enough to be found attractive even tho conversationally we connect well and can talk about deep topics and such… he didn’t blatantly say that, but when I though about it, it feels like that’s the only thing left..

I don’t want to dramatically change myself for affection, but why does it seem like the world that we live in right now demands physical attraction over connection, and that I may never connect if I don’t change ?

I’m 22 btw, I’m trying so hard to get over him ( this happened just pass weekend ) I have him muted and restricted so that I don’t see his convos too frequently, but it hurts so so much..

It hurts so much, cause I’ve been rejected on many other dates too, even tho I have a wealth of a personality, it’s always turned off when we meet, I can’t get over it

I’m sorry, thank you for holding space for me in this anon ask

Hey sweetie I hear you on this. You apologized in the last portion of this ask and I just want to say that you don't need to apologize. You're going through something that is painful, emotionally, and all of your feelings are valid. I know people say that alot but it's true. Your feelings are valid. I wish I could ease your pain and I'll try my best with my words.

It's okay to let it hurt. You're a human with a vast amount of emotions. Hurting is okay. It doesn't make you weak. Embrace your feelings.

I wish things would have worked out for you but a lot of times life doesn't go how we want. You're still young though so there are plenty of opportunities to come for you even if it doesn't feel that way. The wound is too fresh for it to feel that way.

The best thing I can say in the end is that you have to focus on yourself. Even if that means your friendship with this guy has to go on the back burner. This is your time to heal. You already have him muted and it's for the best at least for the time being. I want you to also practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with love and understanding in the same way you would a family member or a friend. A way you can do this is to think about what your loved one would feel in your position. What would you say for them to do to make things better for themselves? Whatever your answer may be try and apply that to yourself.

If you have a notebook write your feelings down and if it feels good to you can rip it up after. Doing that can be cathartic for some. Going for a walk can help too. Even if it's not a long one or if you can't bring yourself to walk sitting outside for a bit might help. Spending time out can help you clear your head.

Keep taking the time to care for yourself. It won't solve all of your problems but this can help cushion the feeling of loss because you'll know how to deal with it in a healthier way.

As for changing who you are I'm glad you said you don't want to dramatically change for affection because you shouldn't. Relationships based off of physical attraction alone are fickle. But if you do change do it for yourself. Do it because you want to and not because you feel the pressure of having to be someone else just to get into a relationship. Change is good but only when it's done right and for the right reasons.

I wish I could be of more help and I hope your time in healing is swift and if not then that's okay. These type of things take time. Nothing changes overnight.

#ask

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pulverulents · 1 year

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#30: on alternate universes and quarter-life crises

It’s crazy to think that the last time I did this, I hadn’t graduated from uni yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to journal since then, it’s just that I didn’t really have any headspace for any kind of non-academic writing or proper introspection until... now, I guess? Even now, after so long of not really putting my thoughts into proper full sentences, it’s kind of hard to write in a way that isn’t in a scientific capacity.

There’s been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately, though. And as always, I’m not sure where to start. But nobody reads these things except me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not there’s any semblance of flow or logic to this.

I’m glad the pandemic is pretty much over. Not that the virus has disappeared, but the world seems to have more or less returned to normal now. Which is great, because it would really suck to have to graduate into the job market of 2 years ago. I’m glad that I have a job that I like, and another job on the horizon that I’m excited about too. Most days whenever I think about it I can still barely believe that I somehow applied for 1 job and ended up being offered 2 (well, actually 3 if you count the freelance retainer offer thingy). And I’m glad that at least for now, I still have the time and bandwidth to continue with aca with The Lower Loungers.

I’ve recently started getting a glimpse of the wider aca community in Singapore, though, and... honestly, a lot of people in it give me the ick. And like, in a MAJOR way. Maybe I’m the one at fault for vacillating violently between “oh shit I’m actually pretty good at this” and “holy shit I suck at this”, but my impression is that a lot of them have overinflated egos and will take any and every opportunity to show off, or will hype their “friends” up without really meaning it even though something their “friends” are doing may be objectively not-good. But I’m glad that in The Lower Loungers, I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can trust to be honest with themselves and with me, and who are driven by passion and not ego. Which seems (at least, to me) to be fairly rare in this industry. I’ve always had a theory that to be a good musician, you need a healthy balance of narcissism and self-loathing, and I guess as someone who more often than not sits on the self-loathing end, it really irks me when the balance is tipped towards the other end. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their confidence. I don’t know. I should probably be unpacking all of this in therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money for it right now.

I feel like I’ve been trying to be own therapist for a long time now, though. It’s always been a coping mechanism of sorts for me to intellectualise my feelings and pick them apart from the outside, so the next time I feel the same way maybe it won’t hurt as much. Does it work? Hell if I know. It doesn’t really make things easier in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s definitely more convenient to just force myself to swallow it and then pick away at it later when it’s half-digested, rather than sit in it in all its fullness and dissolve into an emotional mess. I’m starting to realise that maybe this coping mechanism isn’t always the most healthy way to approach things. Sometimes I can move on by compartmentalising it and opening it up later when I’m in a more stable headspace. Other times it just feels like I’m always running away from myself. Maybe sometimes I just need to let myself sit in the emotion and fully feel through it.

My sister mentioned something recently about “healing your inner child”. I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never really felt the need to really dwell on it, I suppose. But maybe that’s because I don’t want to think about myself as a child. I want to leave her in the past, together with all the pain and hurt that she carries, whether or not she knows that she does. I don’t know how to look her in the face without shouldering all of her damage again. Running away again, I guess.

And maybe all this running away is what’s keeping me from emotionally availing myself for a relationship. I’m not ready to share my life so intimately with someone else, but I may never be. I don’t know. I don’t even really know how to identify, some days I don’t feel any need to label myself but other days it’s hard not to feel the pressure to do just that. It’s hard enough to admit to myself that I’m probably not straight, let alone commit to it by labelling it. Most days I get by by telling myself that I’d rather be happily alone with a bunch of cats than unhappily stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, it would be nice to have someone. I want to be able to say that I have someone. But that doesn’t mean that the prospect of opening up my deepest wounds to someone doesn’t still terrify me. And being openly not-straight also terrifies me. Immensely so. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t such a late bloomer with love and sexuality.

To be honest, lately I can’t help but feel that I’m a late bloomer in... pretty much all of my interests apart from the one that I’m currently making a career out of. I’d like to think that in another life, I got singing lessons instead of keeping with piano, kept with choir instead of pin-balling between all the other performing arts, and would be more competent and more connected with the aca community now. Or maybe in another life, I’d have the guts to post covers online of me and my guitar, or I’d been allowed to bring my guitar to hall, and maybe I’d have gotten into Unplugged and would be a part of some band now. In yet another life, I’d like to think that I discovered musical theatre earlier and went to Lasalle or even somewhere in America to get a BFA in musical theatre and try to make it on Broadway, or honestly, I would even be content with regional theatre. In another life, I’d like to think that I stuck with softball through secondary school and JC, and would still be strong enough and athletic enough to continue playing it now. In another life, maybe I would’ve let my Taylor Swift edit-making skills turn into a passion for graphic design. In another life, maybe I would have pushed through being really bad at math and actually have become an engineer like Mr Lim Lee said I should. Or maybe in another life, I’d have gone overseas for uni and and have embarked on a myriad of academic or non-academic ventures that I can’t do here in Singapore. Maybe it would be easier there to figure out who I am.

I’m not saying that I’d rather live these alternate lives over this one. Or am I? I don’t know. No, most days I really do believe that I am where I’m meant to be, and even though at several points long the way I thought I was being derailed, they resulted in valuable experiences that shaped me into who I am. Even if I still don’t really know who I am. They were chapters of my life that served a purpose for where I was in life at the time, and once it was over it was time to move on to the next chapter and leave it behind, no matter how much I enjoyed it. It doesn’t stop me from missing those chapters and from mourning what could’ve been if certain things hadn’t happened or if I had actually been as competent as I would have liked to be, but it is what it is, I guess. Actually, on that note - do I really even want to live those alternate lives? Or do I just resent that I’m not competent enough to really live them out? Were / are they ever truly passions of mine or is it just that I can’t stand not being good enough at something that I even mildly enjoy? Is it that I would rather be a spectacular failure than put in the effort to strive for excellence and then fall short into mediocrity? Damn, I really should be unpacking all of this in therapy.

But I do think I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I’m where I am for a reason. It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about what could’ve been in another life, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

It also doesn’t stop me from worrying endlessly about the future. I know, sounds like nothing has changed. I guess my life has always been marked by endless anxiety that surrounds me and everything I do like a tornado of static. And part of me doesn’t know where the static ends and I begin. But that’s nothing new, I suppose. For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time, one chapter at a time. Because it’s senseless to worry about someday not being ok when I am ok right now.

Ok. Breathe.

-jo

#journal #entry 30

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