#just bc. the ever threatening thought of getting stuck in a relationship neither of us really ever enjoy

[alucardsinep]

i’ve lost the passion that comes with living since i started universityyyyyy

[gamerwoo]

Wonwoo: Hearing Lips

Characters: Wonwoo x female reader

Genre/warnings: non idol au, angst, a little fluff, a little crack, terminal illness/cancer, implied major character death. basically this starts out a lil happy but just gets worse and worse as it goes on

Word count: 3,053

Summary: Sometimes relationships get hard. Sometimes someone cheats. Sometimes someone doesn’t feel the same anymore. And sometimes, someone gets sick and things take a turn for the worst. But in the last instance, no matter how hard things get, you stick beside them until the end. Because you love them.

a/n: i wanna make a second part at some point bc i have an idea for it but i have a lot of shit to do so we’ll see

Wonwoo took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. He looked down at the clippers that one of his friends, Minghao held in his hand.

“This sucks,” was what he decided to say.

You pursed your lips and nodded slowly. It was at that stage where your husband’s hair was starting to fall out, but he decided he didn’t want to go through all that. Wonwoo asked if you would care if he just shaved his head to avoid the hair loss. You asked him why you’d care.

“What if I’m ugly?” was his response, which made both of you chuckle.

“You’re always going to be the most handsome man on the planet to me,” you replied.

So he called on his friend, Minghao to do the cutting for him. A handful of his other friends showed up, promising to shave their own heads along with Wonwoo just so he wouldn’t feel so alone.

“Why can’t I do it?” Mingyu whined. “We’ve been friends longer!”

“Because you’d probably shave his ear off,” Joshua scoffed.

As the group began to tease Mingyu, Minnghao turned to you, offering the clippers to you, “Are you sure you don’t want to do it, _____?”

You looked down at the clippers, considering it. But ultimately, you shook your head, “What if I shave his ear off?”

“The only thing I want to lose today is my hair, thanks,” Wonwoo nodded.

“Alright,” Minghao turned the clippers on, but Wonwoo didn’t react to the noise. The sound of the clippers didn’t scare him like he thought they might. Just because he had to shave his head, that didn’t mean it was the end. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged before he sat in the chair placed in front of Minghao.

While Minghao shaved Wonwoo hair, the strands falling in clumps on the floor around him, the rest of you watched and told various stories of times you’d hung out together just to lighten the mood and make each other laugh. Like the time Soonyoung stuck bubblegum in Jeonghan’s hair to see if peanut butter would actually get it out. Or when they managed to convince Seokmin that girls don’t have to shave, their hair just falls off when it gets too long. 

The rest of the boys took turns sitting down in front of Minghao before Josh did the younger boy’s hair. 

Admittedly, Wonwoo pulled the bald look off.

Seungcheol absolutely did not.

-

“Where are you going?”

You had heard the bedroom door closed and turned your head away from the TV in time to see Wonwoo walk down the hall. You’d brought him home from his chemotherapy appointment and knew he was supposed to be resting afterwards, so you were concerned as to why he was going down the hall.

“Office,” he replied.

You got up from the couch and went to follow him, “Why?”

“Bills.”

Wonwoo was always a stickler for paying the bills on time, but you weren’t sure why he didn’t just let you do it or simply ask you to do it for him.

“You’re supposed to be resting,” you told him.

“I’ll be sitting in a chair, it’s fine,” he said before entering the office and shutting the door behind him.

With a sigh, you retreated back to the living room, deciding to text one of your friends to see what to do. Wonwoo had been getting a bit touchy lately, and you didn’t want to tell him what to do and make him mad. So your best option was to get advice because you didn’t want Wonwoo to pass out in the office or something.

To Hansol: wonwoo wont lay down

From Hansol: ???? whats he doing?

To Hansol: paying the bills in the office

From Hansol: ah

From Hansol: maybe he wants to make himself useful??

To Hansol: wdym

From Hansol: all he’s supposed to be doing now is basically nothing

From Hansol: things arent looking good rn

From Hansol: he probably want to do things for you and himself while he still can

You stared at your phone, feeling a pang in your chest reading the texts. You let out a sigh and set your phone down, letting Wonwoo stay in the office to do the bills.

-

it was the first time all of the guys had come over since putting Wonwoo’s bed in the living room. It was the only place with enough space since it was a hospital bed, and Wonwoo would at least always have the TV since the only thing he could do at this point was lay in bed.

“Wish I could sleep in my living room,” Soonyoung said.

“Yeah, I bet your girlfriend wishes that, too,” Jeonghan nodded.

Once a month, they’d all have a game night where the thirteen of them would gather at someone’s house to play something, whether it be Uno, poker, Cards Against Humanity, or whatever else they could come up with for that many players. But until your husband got better, it would have to be at your house all the time.

You gave them their space despite insisting they could include you in the game. You decided to just go to the office and use Wonwoo’s PC to play some games and watch a little YouTube. 

In the living room, the boys were playing Uno together while talking and laughing together. A few of them were drinking beer as well, but most of them stuck to soft drinks instead.

“How’re you doing lately, Woo?” Jeonghan asked after taking a sip of his drink.

Wonwoo shrugged with a sigh, “Fine, I guess. I can only use this blanket because the others feel bad on my skin. I’m bored. I’ve watched like, every YouTube video ever at this point.”

“How do you feel, though?” Chan wondered.

“Tired.”

Junhui laid down a card before looking over at Wonwoo, “How’s _____ been?”

“She’s an absolute angel,” he chuckled. “She takes care of me and everything. She’s the strongest person I know.”

“If you ever need one of us to stay here for a couple days to help out, you know you can ask,” Jihoon stated with a handful of them nodding or giving various sounds of agreement.

“Neither of us wants to bother anyone.”

“It’s not a bother,” Seungcheol said, looking Wonwoo in the eyes. “Neither of you will ever be a bother.”

Jeonghan nodded, “We know things are going to get tough and we’re here for you guys. Just say the word.”

“Yeah...” Wonwoo shrugged with a deep sigh as he put down a card when it was his turn, “there are days worse than others. But lately, it’s been okay, I guess. At least, that’s what she leads me to believe.”

“Yeah, _____’s never been one to break down in front of people,” Seungkwan mumbled.

“I hope she’s doing okay, though,” Wonwoo frowned. “I feel so bad for her...”

You truly were the strongest person Wonwoo knew for doing just about everything for not only him, but for yourself and everything around the house. And you did it all without ever showing if you were feeling negatively -- at least, not around him. Wonwoo thought you were absolutely amazing, but inside, he felt guilty for doing this to you.

But like you’d never tell Wonwoo when you felt overwhelmed, he’d never tell you how he felt, either.

-

It was one of those days. One of those bad days. You felt like the world was crumbling right in front of you but there was nothing you could do about it. You were sad, scared, stressed out, and you didn’t know what to do next or who to go to. You always just kept things bottled inside even though your friends and family told you it was better to talk to people about things. But you didn’t want to seem like you were complaining about Wonwoo. It wasn’t your husband that was the problem, it was the situation.

You had taken Wonwoo’s empty dinner plate from the living room to the kitchen, setting it in the sink. You dropped your head, hands gripping the edge of the counter as you squeezed your eyes shut to keep the tears threatening to escape from spilling. 

Something one of the nurses had said to you during one of Wonwoo’s hospital visits was to be careful of what you say, even quietly, around him.

“People with cancer and the like tend to just hear really well,” she explained. “Especially when they can’t open their eyes anymore. Their hearing is scarily good. Don’t say anything bad around him because he will hear it.”

You learned to only let out your emotions when you were alone in your bedroom, but you couldn’t make it through the living room to get there. So you just stood in the kitchen, trying to compose yourself to go back out into the living room to sit with your husband.

“This is too hard,” you just barely whispered to yourself.

“I know,” you heard Wonwoo say softly from the living room, “I’m sorry, love.”

You lifted your head, your heart breaking hearing him apologize. You didn’t even think about how he heard you, rushing into the other room to promise that you weren’t talking about him. As you walked up to his bed, he looked up at you with a sad half-smile.

“I know I’m making things tough,” he continued quietly. “I’m really sorry you have to deal with it.”

“No, baby, no,” you quickly shushed him, cupping his face in your hands. “It’s not you, it’s the situation. You’re not difficult or making things difficult. None of this is your fault.”

Wonwoo didn’t really like things touching his skin because it had become so sensitive and felt weird when most things touched it, but he leaned into your touch and put his hands over yours. He noticed the tears welling up in your eyes and reached one hand up to brush his thumb under one of your eyes.

“It’s okay if you need to cry, you know,” he told you. “You keep everything to yourself and that’s not healthy.”

You shook your head, whispering so your voice wouldn’t break, “I have to be strong for you. I don’t want to cry and scare you that things are getting bad.”

He chuckled sadly, “_____, I know things are bad. You’re stressed. You can cry, it’s okay.”

Hearing him say that broke you for some reason. You collapsed in the chair you kept beside his bed and just cried while he held your hand. That was the first time you cried in front of Wonwoo in a long time.

While you cried, you heard him softly tell you, “You’re still the strongest person I know.”

-

Despite not wanting to go, Wonwoo had to be admitted to the hospital. You weren’t sure for how long, but he was complaining about feeling sick and neither of you were sure if it was cancer-related or not. But the doctors decided it was best to keep an eye on him for a couple days until he was feeling better.

Unfortunately, he was getting to a point where his eyes didn’t open as often. Even if he was awake, sometimes he just looked like he was sleeping. You were told that would happen eventually, and whenever Wonwoo looked at you, you looked back at him and tried to memorize the shade of brown as if it would be the last time you’d ever see his eyes.

Jeonghan came to visit you at the hospital after finding out you were there for an entire day without anybody besides Wonwoo. So he rushed there after work and sat with you in Wonwoo’s hospital room, both of you trying to keep your voices down since Wonwoo seemed to be sleeping. You knew if Wonwoo knew that one of his friends were there, he would’ve been talking to them.

Jeonghan reached out with his foot, nudging your shin with the tip of his sneaker to get your attention. You looked over at him. He mouthed something to you, but you weren’t sure what it was.

You cocked your head to one side, mouthing, “What?”

He leaned forward, so you did, too. He tried to whisper his question as quitely as he could, but you still heard absolutely nothing, and you were having trouble reading his lips.

“What?” you mouthed again.

“He asked if you paid the bills on time,” Wonwoo murmured, still looking like he was asleep, “but it’s okay if you didn’t.”

The only part of Wonwoo that moved was his mouth. Even once he was done talking, he looked like he had been sleeping the entire time. You wondered if you almost inaudible conversation was heard loud and clear to him.

“O-oh,” you said. “Um, my mom reminded me, yeah.”

“Did you...have enough?” Jeonghan wondered.

“Please don’t offer us money again,” you frowned.

“You know I have more than enough for myself. And you’re always staying home to take care of Wonwoo. I just want to make sure you’re both okay fanatically.”

It was true that Jeonghan made pretty good money. And considering his last relationship didn’t work out, he only had to support himself. For what he got paid, he definitely had some to spare. Still, neither you nor Wonwoo wanted to take ‘free money’ from your friends.

You opened your mouth to reply, but a nurse had walked in and asked to speak with you. You sent a playful glare toward Jeonghan before you got up and left the room.

Jeonghan was unaware that Wonwoo’s hearing had gotten so strong, and the fact he heard the question surprised him. So he wanted to test it to see how good it was, mouthing something else.

“No, Jeonghan, you can’t steal my wife,” Wonwoo sighed with the hints of a smirk on his face. “At least not until I’m dead.”

Jeonghan ignored the dark addon at the end, letting out a chuckle, “That’s kind of spooky, dude.”

“I hear everything now,” he said.

The older boy sat back in his seat, staring over at his friend who still had his eyes closed -- despite that, he still had his glasses on for whatever reason, “Have you actually...talked with _____ about that, though?”

“About you stealing her?”

“No. Have you told her if you’d want her to move on if you actually do...y’know?”

“Yeah. When I was first bedridden, I figured I should mention it. I told her to just find someone who makes her happy, even if it was one of you. I just said she can’t marry Soonyoung because he’s a fucking idiot.”

Jeonghan let out a laugh, leaning forward in his chair, “Yeah, I don’t think any of us would let that happen. Even Soonyoung knows he wouldn’t be good enough for her.”

“I’m glad she’ll at least have you guys if anything happens,” Wonwoo hummed. “You’ll watch out for her. You’ll make sure she doesn’t get into any shady relationships or do anything reckless.”

“Why do you always assume we need to be there?”

“Because I need to be prepared.”

Jeonghan sat back in his seat again, not knowing what to say. He just stared at his friend, hoping that he was preparing for nothing.

-

You had a bad feeling this was coming, but you were hoping it was just your anxiety telling you that. But when the doctor told you that you had to have the papers signed, you knew that there wasn’t any going back now.

Wonwoo was going to die.

Just in case, he had already gone to have the papers drawn up for if he’d want to be revived or not if anything should happen. But he had forgotten to get them from your attorney so they had to be retrieved and signed. But you were specifically told you couldn’t just instruct your husband to sign them. You had to sit there and explain what everything was, and then he could sign them. You just weren’t sure if you could do that.

Seungcheol was the one who went into Wonwoo’s hospital room with you with the papers. You sat down by Wonwoo’s bed while Seungcheol sat in a chair across the room and watched, just there for emotional support if you needed it.

“What’re those?” Wonwoo asked.

“I need to go over these with you,” you told him.

You sat by his bed with his table pulled out as you read the papers and explained what they meant. You already knew the decisions Wonwoo had made, but reading them and saying them out loud was hard, especially knowing that this was how things would end. He said he didn’t want to be revived because he knew how hard it would be on you. He wanted to make things quicker and easier.

“So if you’re to...start...going...you don’t want--”

You couldn’t even finish the sentence before you choked on your tears, coughing to clear your throat.

And that’s when Wonwoo knew. This was it.

“Why’re you crying?” he asked quietly. He knew this was coming. He knew you knew this was coming. But he knew you wanted to believe it wouldn’t. 

You sniffed while you tried to control your breathing so you wouldn’t break down sobbing. But it didn’t work, tears already falling down your cheeks as you whimpered, “I don’t want you to die.”

“I know,” he murmured. “I don’t want to leave you.”

Seungcheol got up and stood beside you, rubbing your back to comfort you despite tears of his own escaping from his eyes. He couldn’t even say anything to help you feel better because he knew nothing would work. So he helped you go over the papers with Wonwoo while all three of you tried to choke back tears.

-

It was getting close. You knew it was. You just had a feeling that stuck with you all day, so you never left Wonwoo’s side. You held his hand and sat beside him for hours, trying to keep your crying as silent as you could while you mouthed ‘I love you’ as many times as you could because you were too afraid of your voice breaking if you spoke.

But you knew Wonwoo heard every word.

[foxymoxynoona]

Absolutely love amended but I just can't see the happy ending man.. Surely there's affection between both of them, they care and want the best for each other, for sure. However it seems to me like there are too many flaws for it to work? With the big fight, we have a clear view of how they work with their defense mechanism under pressure and shock and it's not good. To me, there will always be an imbalance in the relationship, because no matter what, you say dumb shit you don't mean when you're angry and Jungkook will throw in the fact it's his money, his house and etc. while Belle will threaten to leave with the kids. It's bound to happen again, I think. And with Belle traumas, I'm quite sure she might, no matter how in love she falls, keep in the back of her mind the fact that Jungkook did pay for everything, that her situation now could be gone in a breath if Jungkook wanted to. But that could be entirely different once she starts her new job (so happy for her) and save enough money—again, her mind might just be full of 'secure the money so the kids can be safe if Jungkook ever kicks us out'? Unhealthy. So there's definitely a stronger one on the relationship, dependence happening. That's not good to me, if they're always going to come back to that fact at some point. Belle has always been on her toes, ready to leave to keep her kids safe and I don't see her fully trusting Jungkook, no matter what. And Jungkook could definitely question her intentions as time flies—if she loves him or if she's here for the money to keep her kids safe! The foundation is fragile, unstable imo. Also, Jungkook is quite childish at times, even if he does a lot of efforts for Belle. He gets hurt too and say stupid stuff, making her even more insecure. They don't communicate very well, do they? Patricia won't be here forever, they only speak their mind when she comes around. And she pointed out how Jungkook would go for the 'easy' explanation when the real one would just hurt Belle, but that would help her understand him. It's hard to change that too! And I don't agree on people blaming Belle only. They're to blame together, one is not wrong and the other right—they have flaws, on different levels, yeah, but that doesn't make one less important than the other. But sooo many, and some are yet to come into the mess of it all, like the basement thing! It's exhausting for both of them. And I'm sure they love each other but sometimes, love's not enough—sometimes things don't go the way you want it to and that's okay. I could see both of them being exhausted time after time because they don't communicate well and have awful defense mechanisms. I could also see Jungkook stuck in there bc he loved Belle when he was young and he loves to provide and he's like a puppy you know? Like he did her wrong in the past and now he's trying his best to make it right, kind of redemption? Blindsinded maybe, not true love. And Belle stuck in there bc she likes Jungkook, sure, but it's safer for the kids and she'll do anything to keep them safe and Jungkook does just that? Not that she would force herself into it but you know. Yeah. Just my thoughts, love you! ♡

This was really sad to me to read because it seems like such a fatalistic view of marriage and relationships. People just aren't perfect, and marriage puts someone right there in the mud with you when you going through shitty phases, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. You don't have to be a perfect person to be loved or worthy of love. You can love someone at their worst, and I really don't see Isabella or Jungkook being at their worst now. In fact, the opposite, both of them actually feel safe and supported and accepted enough that they're starting to crack open pains and fears they have kept locked up --in some cases their whole lives!-- so that they can finally heal.

There's not really an "ending" in life until you die. There are always new challenges, new opportunities, new opportunities for growth. Does that mean that love and intimacy aren't worth it, that you shouldn't even try until you've reached some impossible place of perfection?

You also don't seem to think they're capable of growth but people are! Some things take years to heal or unlearn, sure, and I'll honestly be expediting some of that growth in the story compared to real life. Maybe that's just a difference in our view of people? I think that people can and do improve if the intent is there, and that intention to be better makes a huge difference. I see the ways Jungkook and Isabella have greatly improved in this story. Just because they aren't done yet doesn't negate all the progress they've made.

I've been married for almost eight years and we are still learning how to communicate, how to live together, how to support each other, and how to understand our own changing needs. Neither me nor my husband are perfect people, and we have had fight much bigger than any Isabella and Jungkook have had, but do I think our marriage isn't worth it? Nah. Even though sometimes we fight over the STUPIDEST fucking stuff. We have grown and changed as people, and it's sometimes been rough, but we've made it work so far. Isabella and Jungkook are just at the very beginning of their relationship and are rapidly learning so much about each other, and rapid growth can be painful, but they’re both invested. Why would that mean it's already time for quits? They haven't even gotten to fighting over fruit left on the counter or how to load the dishwasher or why would you ever NOT immediately clean up the bug you just squashed on the wall or why the fuck no one but me will put the empty toilet paper rolls in the bin THAT IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE and they just line them up on the windowsill... like... wtf?!

You mention the fights as exhausting but you don't seem to be giving fair weight to the joy that they bring each other most of the time. If their relationship was nothing but fighting, that'd be one thing. You do make some good observations about their flaws and struggles! And I could absolutely have written a very tragic story of their marriage based on guilt and obligation and regret. I see so much love and admiration in their interactions though --playfulness and joy and gratitude. You don't see that too?

I guess this made me sad because it just seems like you are suggesting something should get thrown away because it's not perfect, when marriage is really learning about how to love and compromise on the imperfections.

[parkjmini]

Outlier | 06

poly!au: park jimin x reader x kim jennie while your lovers said they needed you, you wondered if they knew how much you needed them. word count: 1748 genre: angst/fluff warnings: explicit language

[an]: this is just a quick filler chapter and it’s a little rushed :// im sorry for not updating for a while or being less frequent on tumblr. i had been super emo bc of college admissions but guys!! gr8 fucking news!! i got into my dream schools after sooo many rejections from other schools. im also not going to be updating/MIA for the upcoming week bc i have to practice for a 20 min presentation that will determine if i graduate jfc that im doing on friday ugh 

prologue . 01 . 02 .  03 . 04 . 05 . 06 . 07

The hospital wouldn’t let you leave. Your conditions had gotten worse and they needed you to stay in the clinic for the doctors’ to closely monitor your behavior. That meant scheduled meals, frequent chemotherapy treatments, more blood tests. Even though you did nothing at the hospital, everything made you feel extremely exhausted and your arms were bruised from the constant needles being poked into your skin.

Living at the hospital meant no more art classes or school. You couldn’t finish your college classes at your institution because you couldn’t leave. The school suggested to finish the credits through online courses, but it only caused you to lash out more. You hated what the cancer had done to your life. It robbed it. You were just existing now. 

You weren’t sure if you saw Jimin and Jennie less now or before during when you all lived together. They came to see you every day, if it wasn’t the both of them, it was one of them. You also saw Jungkook and Hoseok more often as well. You weren’t alone, because everyone’s visits managed to never cross.

Hoseok came usually around the late mornings to afternoons, mainly every other day or whenever he could. Jungkook came during the evenings, when Hoseok had to leave for his classes. Jimin came around the night, staying way past visiting hours. The nurses looked at him one night crying by your bedside and knew that visiting hours didn’t apply to him. Jennie came in the early mornings until Hoseok arrived and before she left for classes. The only time Jimin and Jennie visited together is when they didn’t have classes — those days were off limits for Hoseok and Jungkook.

The only times you’re alone is between the hours of when Jimin leaves and when Jennie arrives, but Jimin waits until you fall asleep to go home. You would say that your individual relationships grew more intimate, but you were afraid of Jennie and Jimin lacking moments. 

Hoseok and Jimin wouldn’t speak about their friendship to you, so you were unsure if they were even best friends anymore. You couldn’t help but feel like all of this was your fault. 

Hoseok was the one who sat with you during your chemo sessions because he’s the only one who has ever seen you that valuable. You wouldn’t allow anyone else to join you on your treatments and always asked them to wait for you in the room. Those days were the hardest to get through because the nurses did a poor job at distracting you of anything. 

“Hey baby,–” Jimin walked in as a nurse was helping you up from your bed. She paused and smiled at him.

“Hello Jimin.” She gleamed, almost as if she thought he called her his baby. You rolled your eyes and fidgeted to get her attention.

“Hey, I’m going to a chemo session. I’ll be back in a few—”

Jimin set his things down and helped you on your other side, “–I’ll just join you.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “It’s okay, stay here. I tell you this every time.”

“Yeah and I listen to you every time, which I knew after the first time, I shouldn’t because you come in a crying mess after it all. I know you let Hoseok go with you, but he’s not here now. I am, so let me be there for you.” Jimin stared intensely into your glossy eyes and the nurse waited for your consent before moving you.

A switch flipped in your heart. Those annoying heavy thuds of your heart went off. The redness in your cheeks radiating. You nodded and grabbed onto him for more balance. 

He rambled on about how his day went as he walked you down the hall into one of the million rooms in the hospital. The nurse strapped you up to begin your session and Jimin sat on your other side. 

Your mind always whirled before it all started, never really prepared for when the needle pierced through your skin. However, Jimin didn’t let you focus too much on it. He held onto your hand so tight and squeezed it repeatedly to draw your attention back to his presence. He talked continuously, merely rambles about the most random things that he encountered when driving or on campus.  

He made you feel 100 times better, even way better than when Hoseok came with you. Maybe it was the fact that he was your boyfriend, so his touch and his voice calmed your anxiety. 

“You really wouldn’t believe it, but Karen is going to go to her sorority formal with Trevor even though she already promised Garret. The guy was really pissed when he found out and started to rip each other’s throats out right in front of the lecture hall. I had my money on Garret, considering the dude is yolked, and Yoongi couldn’t give two shits about the fight but I made him bet anyways. He thought Garret was going to win too, but that’s not how a bet works, y’know? We can’t bet on the same person because who would owe who the money? But he didn’t care and said that he’d buy me food either way, which is great because that would mean that I win anyways.” Jimin kept his eyes locked on yours, rubbing his knuckles softly against your cheek to soothe you. His eyes never strayed to the massive syringe in your other arm or the nurse injecting it. 

At that moment, he only knew you. 

And you were unsure if the pain you felt was from the chemo or the burning sensation that came from your heart. 

“…so who won?” You barely peeped out and Jimin lit up with excitement, stars in his beautiful, big eyes. 

“Yoongi.” Jimin smiled and you gave him a confused expression. “It turns out Yoongi and Karen were already talking and had been secretly dating this entire time. She’d been trying to get him jealous by saying yes to all those guys, so he would step up and ask her to formal. He walked right in the middle of the fight, and I thought he was going to get punched into pulp, but they both calmly stepped away as Yoongi stood in between the two buff men. He told them that neither of them were taking Karen to formal and that he was already going with her because he’s her boyfriend. They all laughed until Karen jumped into his arms and kissed him in front of everyone, yelling ‘that’s my baby!’ and Yoongi threaten to cut them open for a lab, y’know how he’s a biology major, if they didn’t both leave them alone.” 

“What?” You wanted to laugh, but you weren’t suppose to move. However, hearing Jimin’s melodic chuckle made you smile. He leaned in and gave your silly, yet confused face a quick peck. 

“I told you that you weren’t going to believe it.” His toothy grin brighten up the dark, gloomy session room and you didn’t regret having him there with you one bit.

“What’s Jennie doing?” You asked as you fluffed Jimin’s raven hair. He rested on your chest as you both laid in your hospital bed. The only sounds were the monitor running and the light sounds of your breathing.

“Stuck at the internship.” He mumbled into your sheets.

“Why aren’t you there?” Staring at the ceiling, the street lamps cast shadows above you as people passed by on the street.

Jimin turned, his arm placed at either side of your body. His frown caught your attention as his face inched close to yours. “I quit.” 

“You what?” You said rather loudly. He put his hand over your mouth to hush you. You licked him and he giggled at your wet touch. “Jimin, I told you not change anything in your life to accommodate to me.” 

“Oh, but you know I love accommodating to the love of my life. Plus, I didn’t even need it. I have other opportunities waiting for me, babe. You mean a lot more to me than an internship.” He explained.

You rolled your eyes, in a playful manner. “Well don’t go shitting on Jen.” 

“Her values are different. Also, the people there are crazy about her and rave about her existence.” Jimin laughed and you cupped his squishy cheeks.

“Says the one that is also just as crazy about her.” 

“But I don’t rave about her existence, that’s the difference. It’ll make her head too big and then it’ll roll right off her shoulders.” You giggled and kissed him sweetly.

“I love you. I love Jen. I love us.” You marveled and your boyfriend’s glossy eyes stared back at you. His hands held onto yours as he kissed your dainty finger tips.

“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, (Y/N). I’ve been an incredibly horrible boyfriend to you and you deserved so much more attention from me. I love you, I really do. When Jennie suggested the idea to me about bringing you into our relationship, I became hesitant because I knew I wasn’t capable of spreading my love enough for two people.” His tears ran down his round, supple face. 

Jimin wouldn’t let go of your hands, so you leaned in to kiss his forehead instead. “So.. what changed?” 

“You changed me, as cheesy as it sounds, (Y/N), you changed my concept of love. You were always my close friend, who I wanted to protect with my life. After you joined us, I wanted to do more than protect you. I wanted to love you and for fuck sakes, did that hit me like a truck. I was so scared of never showing you enough of how much I loved you and then my worst fears actually came true. I’m sorry, (Y/N).”

Seeing Jimin cry had been a rare sight, and you hoped to never see him cry ever again. It hurt too much to watch the pain and sadness ruin his happiness. You were speechless and felt horrible for blaming the two for your own emotions. “Don’t apologize, Jimin. Just prove it to me.” 

“You fucking bet I will. I’m going to take care of you until you’re sick of me.” Jimin chuckled, his voice turning raspy as it got more into the night. He cuddled back into your side and hugged you tightly. Your eyelids fell over your tired eyes and you silently wished that you had more time to live.

[hulklinging]

YOO IT'S DRUNK PROMPT TIME? HIT ME WITH SOME SARCHENGSEY + INSOMNIA

Lost(This is a companion to Found, but can be read as a standalone)

They’re four hours outside of Vancouver, because Henry made the mistake of mentioning that the Okanagan had their own Nessie legend, so Gansey couldn’t resist taking a look. Henry isn’t going to complain, because even though he’s a city boy being in BC at all feels like spending time at home, like the air is just a little different past the border. The Litchfield boys had done this same drive, the summer before, hitting up music festivals and farmer’s markets, because they’d decided they wanted to spend some time with the dinosaurs in Drumheller. That trip had been special, even though it was no longer allowed to be brought up in front of Lee-squared, what with the chicken incident and all.

But driving through BC with Blue and Gansey is a totally different experience. Somehow, they’ve gone from a simple roadtrip to writing their own myths, waking up every morning feeling larger than life, every day stretched in front of them, only ending when they let it, when they’ve touched the horizon. The Green Pig is their chariot, and Henry supposes he has to give credit to the Greeks. They knew what divinity could look like.

Henry’s not sure how many pantheons they’ll trek through, on this roadtrip of theirs, but he’ll grasp for whatever metaphors he can to try and capture the casual legends of the two sharing this car with him.

There’s a hidden tension now sneaking through every conversation they have, and Henry’s not sure if it’s just the fact that they’ve technically turned around, are heading back towards home, that if this was a normal summer roadtrip they’d be nearing the end. But there’s the buffer of their gap year, and Venezuela still awaits. Henry can’t let himself start thinking about endings, yet.

(Not when every night he still dreams about them, cave openings and story endings all tangled up together, and Blue’s there too now, in his nightmares, and so he has to live through losing both of them, night after night, running through dark tunnels that always close in on him when he’s not looking)

So Henry blames the tension on the turning of the season, blames the blush on the late summer heat, insists on stopping at every roadside stand for the fruits of the farms they drive by. He says he’s searching for the best peaches, the best pears, and always makes sure to look away when Blue bites into the cherries, lips stained red, or when Gansey makes a mess of the blackberries they pick themselves from a roadside ditch. He focuses instead on how right their hands look, holding each other. They’ve started kissing, which means Henry has started taking walks when they turn in, pretends the space is just for their sakes.

He didn’t mean to fall for them, only he had already spent time hung up on Richard Gansey, and how could one spend time with Blue Sargent and not fall in love with her loud laugh and louder opinions? Between the two of them he’s sure he’s developed some kind of heart condition, because the smallest things they do seems to be enough to send his pulse racing.

They find a strange little piercing place in Hope, and Henry adds a small stone to his nose, tries not to read into it when Gansey holds his hand as the needle passes through his own earlobe. He shoots a smile at Blue, terrified that one of these days he’ll look to her and see jealousy brewing, but she just rolls her eyes fondly at Gansey’s nerves. She opts for a tongue piercing and an industrial too, because Henry insists on getting her a birthday present, and she’d rather he pay for something frivolous than pay more than his share on the road. Gansey matched the offer, of course, and then proceeded to turn the brightest, most beautiful red when Blue informed him his money was going straight to her tongue.

“It’s more like an investment then, right, Three?” Henry teases, and he deserves the punch on the arm he gets for that, he knows he does.

It might be considered some sort of cruel and unusual punishment, stuck on a roadtrip with two people he’s in love with, getting to watch as every day they grow more comfortable in their own relationship. But it makes him happier than it hurts, and he knows he’d rather be here with them than anywhere else.

The walks make falling asleep difficult, which is something he embraces, because he’d rather fight back the exhaustion then lose his friends to the darkness of his dreams again. Tonight, he stares up at the stars, then takes in how they reflect off of the Okanagan River, and he loses himself in thoughts of mirrors and ladies in lakes with swords and kings reborn and how everything feels tied together, a beautiful game of celestial connect the dots. He doesn’t see himself anywhere in the picture that forms, but such legends aren’t his own. He’s got his own mythology, after all.

They wanted to camp once more before they hit Kelowna, so tonight is a camping night. Henry has his own small tent, set a respectful distance from the slightly bigger one that Blue had borrowed from Orla. The exchange had been rife with winks and innuendos, but the tent had served them well so far, so Henry supposes it was worth it. He’s half-tempted to forgo the tent for the hood of their green machine, fall asleep under the careful eyes of the constellations, but he knows he’ll be eaten alive by bugs if he does that. He’ll leave the fly off the tent instead. He knows that’s just asking for rain, but the view will be worth it.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been tucked into his sleeping bag, wide awake, when he hears the tent flap begin to zip open. He sits up, heart in his throat, but it’s only Blue, looking even less grounded in the pale light of her flashlight.

“Hey, sorry, are you awake? I think Gansey must have left the tent open for a bit, because our tent is currently overrun with mosquitoes. Do you mind if I join you?”

Her hair is out of its various pins, but it continues to defy gravity,. Much like Blue herself does. Henry should be surprised that he can look at her, wearing one of Gansey’s old and horrendously bright shirts, still half buried in her own sleeping bag, and still think she looks like something out of a fairy tale, but at this point he’s come to terms with the fact that his brain won’t rest until it’s applied every romcom trope and meetcute to their situation.

He spends a moment chasing the thought of a polyamorous romantic comedy. It sounds like the ideal, room for twice the amount of clichés and crying in the rain. He’s kinda miffed he’s never heard of one before.

“Mi casa es su casa, m'lady,” he says, moving over and dramatically dusting off the space he’s cleared. They opted for thin foam sheets over blow up mattresses, because it’s less space and because Henry kept threatening to try sleeping in one of the Great Lakes. In the moment Blue snuggles down next to him, he is extremely thankful, because no air mattress means nothing beneath him slowly deflating throughout the night, which means no chance of them waking up pressed up against each other, which means he will only lose a little of his sanity tonight, not all of it.

“You call me m'lady again and I’m throwing you in the river.”

“Yessir.”

Blue sighs, the softest sound he’s ever heard her make, and within minutes her breathing evens out. Henry listens to her sleep and wonders if this is another thing he should feel guilty for. Gansey’s going to wake up alone, which hardly seems fair. If he’s sleeping at all. Henry can see a little light on in the other tent, but Gansey could have just as easily fallen asleep with his phone light on. It’s happened before.

RoboBee buzzes by his ear, wanting to go and check on the third member of their party, but that means moving, and Blue’s hand is resting against his upper arm. He stares up at the stars, lets them blur as the moon burns into his vision. He needs to relax, hyperaware of every tense muscle, knowing he won’t be able to sleep if he doesn’t drain the tension.

“Henry.”

When he looks over at Blue, his eyes are still recovering from the light of the moon, so they superimpose the glow over her face. She shines, and he can feel his heart stumble in his chest.

“Gansey’s busy. He’s plotting the way to Niagara Falls, I think. He doesn’t mind that I’m in here.”

Henry doesn’t ask how she knows why he hasn’t relaxed. At this hour, so little space between them, surrounded by the gentle creaking of the night, it is easy to believe that Blue can see his every thought. Hopefully this love is too big to be seen all at once, that only seeing corners and pieces of it makes it impossible to puzzle out. He knows he’s always been obvious with his feelings, and he feels like the longer he spends with these two, the more raw his emotions get. Everything about him peeled back, exposed to the world. He’s sure they must know, but they haven’t said anything and so neither will he.

If Blue sees anything, she says nothing, just stares him down until he forces himself to relax. It’s only in doing so that he realizes he can’t remember the last time he let himself do this, drop all this worry weight off him. He feels strange, a little off kilter, and then Blue brushes the skin of his wrist and he’s sent spinning into the space above them.

“My mother used to do stuff like this with me,” she says, her voice seeming both far away and all too close. “Little things to help keep me grounded. Rooted, Persephone would always say. She knew even then, I guess.” Blue uncurls and lies on her back, mirroring Henry’s pose. The ground beneath them feels less and less real, like any moment they’ll float away. “She’d tell me to lie back and imagine everything that’s bothering me falling away, sinking into the earth to decompose, like how trees drop their dead leaves.” Her voice has taken on a special cadence, like a spell, and Henry knows the consensus is that Blue only reflects, but he’d argue that this is coming straight from her, this magic that has him actually listening, breathing in time with her as he lets his muscles relax one by one and buries his anxieties away in the hard ground beneath them.“Then, once you’re feeling light enough that you could just float away, concentrate on the ground beneath you. Think of the rich soil, and and the richness of good memories, and the strength of family and connection…” Blue makes a frustrated noise. “It’s better with sage. I was never very good at this, sorry.”

“No.” This time, it’s his turn to twist his wrist, run his finger along the inside of her elbow. “No, this is really nice.”

“Really nice? That’s all? No joke or topical reference? Who are you and what have you done with Henry Cheng?”

“Shhh,” he says, letting his eyes close. “I’m not ready to go back to Kansas yet.”

He falls asleep to Blue’s laughter, her skin soft under his fingers. He doesn’t lose her, not even in his dreams. Not tonight.

[ah17hh]

My gf calls it poly but I can't sleep or befriend a woman via /r/polyamory

My gf calls it poly but I can't sleep or befriend a woman

Well actually already is. She calls it poly but I'm not aloud to do anything or even befriend a female( but she wants me to get head from another man) She went thru alot of trauma recently like the worst you could ever experience for most. After this trauma she had an urge to sleep with other people(to forget and be distracted). Now this was sort of a kink a long time ago for me but wanted to be more involved. We had one experience early on and it didn't go well. Neither party was having a good time it was just bad. After that I still sort of had a kink meaning wanting to have a threesome. But knew it wasn't going to happen. I eventually gave up on it and moved on. She's a very depressed person has been since we've met 5 years ago. It's taking such a toll on me i've always helped her thru it and made sure she felt loved and had support(alot more too). Not only from me but my family. When she was younger she was very bitter and broken. People took it as her just being a bitch but in all reality she just hated her self and hated her life. She use to get fucked with and ghosted constantly by dudes. I think that's where her need for constant attention came from.

But anyway

So basically it's been going on for a month she downloaded tinder with my permission and found some matches etc. I thought it was going to go down way different but our first experience I was at work(with my permission) while she was doing her thing and they waited for me till I got home by then they were already basically done. The threesome only lasted about 10 mins if that and he said he was done. No one finished. Now fast forward

She's met another couple which didn't work out and has another guy she sees on the reg. I've been struggling with this life style since it started but I was desperate to see her happy. She brought it up on her own and when I agreed something changed in her. I couldn't help but just let her be free and be happy and feel confident. Now this whole time I've kind of wondered what was I doing wrong for her to have this need for other men. Like I'm not enough. She denies it and basically says she hates that she needs the attention this bad but it's like really helping her. (Side note she wants a Dom so I know that has something to do with it ) I can be some type of way but I'm a total lover I've asked for certain things like certain style videos if I'm not involved so I could atleast get something out of it but never really got anything I wanted(shitty videos). Or even told her not to be telling people and she tells basically everyone she's cool with and a person that I know(tried to hide it from me) Whenever I feel like I'm struggling with jealousy or heart ache she gets defensive and scared that I'll make her stop. This whole time she's been consumed by it constantly talking to like 4 people at the same time while swiping on tinder and sending nudes etc. It's basically all she does now. It's all she ever looks forward to it's all that give her motivation to help around the house and just normalife shit (when she gets a dick appointment)

This whole time has been terrible for me. She got ghosted a few times and I know it was triggering. But she was being terrible honestly very terrible. Acting like they broke up with her and she was just all alone. I kept making sure she knew I still got her. Still love her and to just drop it but she was so stuck on it. Depressed again until she found someone else.

Now while this is happening our sex life has been great and honestly our relationship has been flawless. Like the best it's been since the beginning(aside from feeling like shit over it). So I just deal with the heart ache ( I can get into it sometimes) but 90 percent of the time I'm not about it.

She made a comment about how she's destroying us cause she knows I struggle with it but it's honestly bullshit when she says this shit bc nothing is gonna change. I finally broke and just told her I'm hurting constantly over it but I support her and just want her to be happy and I'll wait for her. I feel like if I didn't let her do this she would've gotten worse(suicidal) she constantly talks about how she wants to kill herself. She lowkey forced it on me. She talked about being so unhappy before this started even with our relationship to these other men. After I told her that I really don't like it but I won't stop her she tried breaking up with me. Basically told me she couldn't be with me if I hated it but doesn't want to stop. She needs this attention she craves this attention. "She hates that shes like this" I begged her all night to stay with me (kind of feel like a fool for that) but she kept saying stuff like I think some type of way about her and "caught her being a hoe" how this was all my plan to prove that she's a hoe. How she can't be with me unless she can be "open" with me. How she loves being open. She basically chose random men over me. She was so ready to just drop me. Fast forward to the morning and hadn't talked to her but she still felt the same. Didn't wanna be with someone that lied about being into it( when I did say I found joy in it at times) how I made her feel disgusting and made her feel completely stupid brought up old wounds just didn't wanna be with me"how this is abusing her" I gave up and told her I was blocking her an did on my phone but not social media yet. She threatened to kill herself if I blocked her how I'm testing her and how "I know that she wouldn't do it" basically forcing me to keep talking to her. I couldn't stand the thought of loosing her but didn't wanna be a fucking fool. She's the love of my life my soulmate (were so spiritually connected) aside from the bs. The good times are really good times. But it still brothers me that she wouldn't be with me unless we're open and she says it won't be forever just until she copes better ?

I'll stop cause i don't wanna ramble but I'm at lost. I still feel shattered but I truly don't wanna loose her. Idk what to do we also have little obligations that make this even more hard to deal with.

I'm open to suggestions,comment and brutal honesty. I needed to get this out.....

Submitted August 12, 2020 at 12:20AM by WutanggLAN94 via reddit https://ift.tt/3kDTJIH

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

19/f i’ve been very sad and upset with myself lately. i’m currently in the first year of uni and even though i’ve made many friends since the start of the school year, i feel terrible for not belonging to any group, like i don’t have stable friends who i can hit up and hang out with or study with during free time. all my life until sophomore year of high school, i always belonged somewhere. it was only when i moved schools during junior year when i had trouble really belonging somewhere but it was a little better during my last two years of high school since other groups would invite me and another close friend to hang out during free time and were actually really nice to us but those groups didn’t really consider us as part of them, just close friends. many of the people from my last two years of high school are in the same uni i am in right now and many of them are taking up the same course as i am but they have all found new groups or they now have a stronger friendship i guess that i don’t feel comfortable hanging out with them alone anymore because i feel like if i would always tag along, they wouldn’t be able to talk about certain things. the only stable friend i have is my best friend of 12 years who has her own friend group (her classmates senior year of high school, i’m from another class) but i feel a little comfortable hanging out with now but only if she is with me. i still feel awkward hanging around them because i am always around when they make plans together and i know they also feel awkward making plans when i am with them because they want to hang out as senior year classmates and reunite and catch up. it’s totally fine with me and i totally understand if they make plans without me, i mean i’m not from their class anyway. i feel awkward knowing that they feel awkward talking about it. oh god im not making sense anymore but yeah. i also feel so annoying always following my best friend around like a puppy and i also feel awkward because i am always a third wheel between her and her boyfriend because we usually make plans to study together but then her bf would call in the middle of us studying and he wants to study with her. im actually pretty comfortable around her bf since he’s also my friend, i just feel like i’m always in the way between them spending quality time together and whatnot which is why i go home early sometimes to let them have study dates just the two of them. i don’t want her bf to feel bad for her rejecting his invitations most of the time to have study dates together bc we always have plans already.

another thing that’s been bothering me lately are my parents never listening to my reasoning when we argue and my discovery of my brother’s twitter account. first, my parents. it’s annoying how they never listen to me when i reason out. when i do, they would always tell me “of course you’re never wrong!” sarcastically or they’ll say that i’m being disrespectful. i admit, sometimes i am wrong for being too harsh but even when i am right, they would still insist they are right because they assume they are always right. one example was what happened two nights ago. my mom asked me to teach my brother how to solve some 7th grade algebra problems. i don’t remember how to do them anymore because I haven’t had that lesson in years and i didn’t have math subjects for 2 years now since my major doesn’t really have math subjects in its curriculum. i told her calmly i already forgot about it and i really had to prepare for a report that night that i was to present the day after but she insisted that i still knew how to, i just didn’t want to help. i told her again and again that i would help if i knew but i really didn’t and i was busy but she insisted that i was just making it up when i really really really didn’t. my dad heard us arguing and told me to shut up, basically siding with my mom. he also thought i was just lying. i continued to tell him i wasn’t then he told me i was disrespectful and threatened that if i say one more word, he would throw me out of the house. i was hurt because he said that over something very petty. he never did that to my brothers, only to me. he always did that to me even as a kid when he told be i bring bad luck to the family and that i was useless countless times. he never apologized for those words and my mom never stopped him or told him to say sorry to me or what. then my brother’s twitter account. he wouldn’t give me his username whenever i asked for it but then i stumbled upon his account yesterday and decided to read his tweets for fun. i was laughing until i saw him tweet to his friends basically describing me as a traitor and overall a bad sister. i also didn’t know how to react knowing he continues to cut classes to drink with his friends and god forbid, even smoke and do drugs without my parent’s knowledge despite them finding out once and talking to him about it. he also cursed my dad over there and told a friend he has no family. i’m very worried as he’s underage and still in junior year of high school and i also hate seeing him go through such struggles alone. i was also disappointed in myself as his older sister for not letting him feel i am there for him even though i try my hardest to comfort him whenever he gets scolded at by my parents. i felt sad knowing that he sees me as a ‘traitor’ and a bad sister. i also realized how my family’s relationship is actually not as ideal as i believed it was bc nobody knows anybody. we may not be like other families who have big fights and all but we are actually pretty empty since neither of us have close relationships with each other. i love them so much and i don’t want my parents to feel they are bad parents despite everything, no matter how much they hurt me which is why i’m very sad about this.

all those together along with me recently feeling like i am just mediocre in the things i’m passionate about and basically me just not being good enough to join extra curricular activities and having a personality as bland as a loaf of wheat bread, being a friendless loser, realizing i am not as smart as i thought i was or everyone thinks i am. i just have good memory which is why i excel academically but other than that, i am pretty dumb. my thoughts, vocabulary, and everything are very shallow and i am not good in either written or verbal outputs. i just feel so stuck and alone. i feel worse than ever. i was a pretty positive and motivated person a few years ago, i don’t know what happened. i always believed i would be successful after school and maybe a part of me still does now but i am now starting to doubt myself. i just really need to get this out of my system after keeping this to myself for soooooo long bc i don’t want to burden my high school best friends who have their own problems and i never had a super close relationship with my family either. i’m just tired of crying every night because of this and pretending i’m okay everyday. i’m very sorry for this long ass submission and thank you if you hve read this and reached this point of this submission. 💕

hi lovely <3 I’m glad you felt comfy enough to write all of this down and get it off your chest. writing out thoughts and feelings can be pretty therapeutic for you. 

about the friends situation? you’re not a friendless loser! I really do mean that :* it can take a long while to find a group of friends that you vibe with, it might be especially hard to manage at the moment when you’re used to having a fairly steady and stable group in high school? but the current situation you’re in doesn’t make you weird or a loser, promise. if you haven’t really found a core group of friends through university + study, open up the possibilities a bit :)  use websites like meetup.com to meet new people with similar passions and interests, or like hey!vina / cliq (more links here), maybe visit your local community centre and see what’s going - you could maybe sign up for a class or activity that interests you, and meet new people and friend opportunities that way too. if it’s me? I use facebook groups! I moved all the way to London without knowing anyone, a lot of people do the same so there’s a facebook group set up for support and bringing a community vibe to things. so I use some of those facebook groups to make posts reaching out for friends, say a bit about myself and what I’m interested in, and with those who respond we can organise brunch or something (Y) maybe you could try the same, join facebook groups where you share things in common with other members (whether it be a similar age age, gender, sexuality, location in the world) and make a post reaching out for friends, could be worth trying. 

with your parents, is there any room for a conversation on this? I know how difficult it can be to talk to parents and to get them to have an open-minded conversation, but it could be worth a shot. find a time when they’re not too busy (or maybe talk to just your mum if you feel the convo would go better) and say “hey can I talk to you about something” and go from there. talk about the fact that you don’t really feel respected in the house at the moment, that you don’t feel like your parents trust you?? if you say you can’t do something (eg. algebra) then you really can’t, it’s not a ploy to avoid being kind or helpful. ask them why they never listen to you or trust you, maybe talk about the lack of trust and ask what could be done to improve that. 

you’re only 19! and I mean that in the best way possible, you’ve so much time ahead of you to achieve what you want to. at the age of 19 I was failing university and struggling with a breakup and was not financially independent at all, I had a terrible relationship with my sister (and sometimes my mum), things were not good. and now? things are so great, I would never have imagined myself to be where I am now (▰˘◡˘▰) life can change, relationships can improve, you’ve got time. things might feel a little stagnant right now? but it won’t be that way forever, promise <3

- tash