#just live - i used to sanction myself from saying just but now i want to know why so I'm leaving it

[lacunasbalustrade]

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[ox-imagines]

Why I don't ship Tohma and Jin

An analysis I wrote while I probably should've been studying instead

Ok, look. I get it. I started out in the camp many of you are in where you probably prefer Jin to Tohma and just saw this as "omg cigarette kiss! hot!!" Safe to say I do not live there anymore and I will explain why.

Disclaimer: this is an opinion!! it's fine to disagree! if you have a different opinion/viewpoint feel free to share it!

Now, the most obvious reason to some of you may be that I'd rather keep Tohma to myself. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. However, that wouldn't be solid reasoning because I don't mind shipping him with Alan. So:

1. Fundamental Background and Disposition Differences

Jin is the definition of a silver spoon: the son of a powerful president of an organization, he's the picture-perfect Frostheim ideal. Though he doesn't seem to like his father much, Jin was raised with his heirship in mind. Riches and luxuries were his to enjoy at his own leisure. Presumably, his attitude was soured by the Clash, since the MC is told (I believe by Kaito in chapter 1?) that he used to be a strong, charismatic leader. Either way, though, he prefers to spend much of his time in his room or bed and delegate his tasks to others.

On the other hand, Tohma is a go-getter. He started his time at Darkwick in Vagastrom, and though we don't know much yet about his past it's probably a safe bet to guess he hails from a similar background and mental space as most of the Vagastrom students. Vagastrom students are known for being a bit more rough, often trouble-makers. While the Tohma we know so far in canon doesn't seem to line up with that expectation, at a closer glance he doesn't much line up with the typical Frostheim student. Despite his all-business, classy demeanor, he doesn't expect things handed to him or done for him, he loves spending time in nature and doing physical activity, and is surprisingly enough not very good at academics, according to himself. He also seems to rather enjoy getting to destroy the building at the end of chapter 1, an impressive show of physical prowess and exertion that most Frostheim students would either not want to do or would be incapable of.

Tohma's lifestyle and Jin's lifestyle are too fundamentally different to foster a healthy relationship. Tohma likes to stay active and keep a busy schedule, whereas Jin is the exact opposite. For all the things Tohma puts up with, he relatively frequently gets irritated with Jin's laziness and apathy, even going so far as his April Fool's line stating that he'd "like to knock that bastard Jin's head clean off... haha, what's with the face? I'm only joking, of course..." (I don't think that's a joke, at least not fully lmao. Humor-wise, Tohma seems to prefer sarcasm and subtle jabs (shady king) to outright statements.)

2. Motives

We can't really be sure yet why Jin wanted Tohma to be his vice (or if he actually did) but we can guess how Jin sees him. He sees Tohma as useful: hard-working, respected by other students and staff alike, even-tempered. Tohma also presumably replaced Haku as Frostheim's vice-captain, or vice-to-be. He's functional rather than a first choice, a position rather than a person.

Sure, Tohma seems loyal to Jin. He'll do what he's asked, he'll generally defend Jin in conversation(unless irritated and is the one complaining about him), etc. However, whether he's loyal to Jin as a person or not, he is using him and his position to get what he wants. Jin is the son of the president over the board that runs/sanctions the Academy, giving Jin a whole lot more pull than any other students (and likely most of the staff) over decisions about the Academy. Jin has a fall from grace during the Clash and becomes resentful and withdrawn, a shameful leader rather than a strong one; he wants someone else to do everything for him. How wonderfully convenient. Tohma steps into the position as vice-captain and, consequentially, gets access to all of Jin's responsibilities. We aren't sure yet why he wants a position of authority where he can enact change, but we can be sure he's using Jin's accesses and privileges.

3. Treatment/Power Dynamic

There is a very obvious power imbalance between the two of them. As much as Tohma uses Jin's position to his benefit, Jin uses Tohma how he pleases and usually treats him as little more than a servant rather than a friend or equal. He orders him around, speaks down to him, and overloads him with work, and Tohma puts up with it because he knows it makes dealing with him and getting what he wants easier than if he tried to talk back or defy him. Jin also doesn't seem to trust him, immediately confronting him over the incident with the talking painting news report about him and accusing him of being the one who divulged the news about his mother. Tohma told him it wasn't him who'd done it and reminded him of someone it likely was, but the immediate and aggressive way Jin confronted him about it conveyed a deep distrust. Jin also thinks it's fun to occasionally irritate Tohma on purpose, as seen in a campus scene where the MC knocks over a vase and breaks it and Jin reacts by saying how Tohma's gonna flip when he sees it while grinning smugly. Jin's servant-treatment towards Tohma also turns more aggressive and into direct mistreatment at times, as seen in this text conversation between them.

All that to say, I'm not exactly a Tohma x Jin supporter :')) I do believe it would be a toxic relationship and would be unhealthy for both of them. On the flip side, I have my fingers crossed hoping for more Tohma and Alan interactions soon (or just more Tohma in general lol), maybe once we get more interactions from them I'll do an analysis post about them too. If you got all the way through this, I appreciate it! Thanks for coming to my TED Talk lol.

At the end of the day, it's all fiction! If shipping them makes you happy, then do it. These are just my opinions on the matter! <3 we all interact with content differently.

[ghostingghosty]

Hello, I'm an Iranian (though I don't live in Iran anymore) and I saw your posts about Iran's retaliation attack on Isreal, I wanted to say a few things and hope you post this.

All the things that you posted and reblogged about Iran's retaliation attack on Isreal is true. BUT the fact that Iran sent the drones has terrified the Iranian population (whether they live in Iran or not) because this means there's a higher chance of Iran going to full on war with Isreal, and the same thing that is happening at Palestine right now happen to Iran too.

I wanted to bring to light how little the world actually cares about Iran (or the middle east just in general). How little news there is on Iran. How the way that westerners perceive Iran is most of the time wrong.

For most of us Iranians are sure that if Isreal DOES declare war with Iran, Iran's gonna get even less recognition than Palestine. The west is not even going to ACKNOWLEDGE us. Especially with the USA having Israel's back. There is going to be so much misinformation.

It is known that Iran has a problematic government. To the point that most Iranians (such as myself) want the Islamic Regime gone and instead want a government that is not based on religion and prioritises its PEOPLE.

Look, I have lived in Iran and the Islamic Regime simply DOES NOT CARE about its people. The government is already ruining the lives of Iranians in Iran by not managing anything. Inflammation is so bad (everything being 3 to 10+ times more expensive); people don't have access to international social media and websites (they're all banned, you need a VPN to access one); the food is already of bad quality and people are cutting rice and meat from their diets because of inflammation which led to malnutrition percentages rising dramatically the past 5 years; the air is so, so much polluted it's considered dangerous and there are so many days that the government has to close schools in fear of children fainting and passing out; there is NO water! Iran is facing an absolute crazy water shortage, especially in the south of Iran. There are people dying from dehydration and malnutrition and farmers don't have enough water to grow crops. And climate change is even contributing to this lack of water. There was barely any rain las fall and winter. That's also without taking in the factor that with summer comming, most places in Iran will have a temperature of 30+ degrees Celsius, with some cities hitting 50 degrees. Journalists are sent to prison left and right for speaking the truth and journalists from other countries don't even dare to step foot near Iran. And you can get arrested for literally anything at this point. We're drowning in sanctions. There's so much censorship in the media that you genuinely have no idea what source to trust and what source to not. On top of that, Iran has been dealing with a large number of floods the past years and Iran is a country that is prone to large earthquakes at any moment.

There is about 85 million people living in Iran, with 20 million of them living in the capital, Tehran. That's a huge population compared to Palestine. Imagine how many more people could Isreal kill if they decide to bomb just the capital, or one of the other major cities.

Just imagine how horrible it would be if Isreal actually starts another war. Another genocide.

There is actual fear. Iranians have been living in actual fear for the past 3 years as any move from Iran could trigger Isreal or the US to attack us. Just like Palestinians, Iranians don't deserve this. Even if our government is horrible.

I'm genuinely scared, even though I don't live in Iran anymore, I still have friends and family there. I don't want them to get hurt, or worse, die. I don't want WW3 to start. Because it feels like WW3 is about to start.

Firstly, I want to make it very clear that I do not support the Iranian government, not that I am claiming that you claim that I do, as you did not, but to anyone who reads this and have that inclination – I do not support the Iranian government and my former post was not made in the support of the Iranian government. What I did attempt to do with my post, was to explain that the Iranian retaliation was an understandable answer; Iran not retaliating in the way that they did, would have proven to Israel that they can do whatever they want without any consequences. The West did not care about the bombing of their consulate—or, really, any of the crimes that Israel is committing—so what is there to do besides a retaliation? On the note of this attack, Iran also knew that their retaliation would not cause a humanitarian catastrophe in Israel – they have the US' defence system on their side. From my understanding, not one person in “Israel” died because of the retaliation, and I would imagine Iran also knew that would be the probable outcome. If Israel attacks Iran back, due to the retaliation, that will not be because of Iran’s wrongdoings in this situation, but simply because Israel is an egocentric killer with a war pervert as their owner.

Now, I understand that the retaliation, especially for Iranians, is scary. In my post, I very briefly mentioned the victims of the “war against terror” that the US, and allies, engaged in after 9/11, where hundreds of thousands were hurt and killed and millions were otherwise affected by the invasion. This is the reality of what could happen if America chooses (with a line under chooses) to join Israel in an “answer” (moreover, vengeance – how do they dare to retaliate?!). The US uses force in the most disgusting of ways, and I find it fitting here, also, to state that I do not support the US government either. I believe the US is the most horrific of war machines, and I understand why the prospects of that force invading is frightening, especially taking into consideration the echoes of American terror and imperialism that can still be felt in the Middle East today (especially when America still looms over the region; take Israel as the most visible example).

That said, and as I stated before, what happens, and what is and has been happening, are all on the hands of Israel, the US and the West. Israel could stop the “war”—the genocide—tomorrow, if they wanted to. They could, too, stop the prospects of a war in Iran, or the world, by accepting the retaliation and not doing anything, especially when their “answer” would be nothing but a show of ego. Israel (and The US and allies) is the sole aggressor in this conflict, not Iran. The conversation of Iran's attack being labelled “unprecedented” (a word used by politicians to undermine the rationality of Iran's decision) from Israeli allies is also dumbfounding. Had Iran shot any US consulate, America would have retaliated in the exact same way, with more casualties, and everyone who are now criticising Iran would have been cheering them on.

Now, despite my lengthy answer (I apologise), I agree with your points and I find them extremely important. I sit in a western country far away from Iran, Palestine, the Middle East, and the conflict as a whole. I have no family, friends, or people I directly know in the region, and therefore my answer is influenced by my location. I feel that we, with “we” I mean those “unaffected”, at times forget the people affected by these decisions. Had my government chosen to retaliate against a diplomatic building getting shot, especially in the dire situation that we are in now, I would probably have had the same thought – let us not; I do not want to be in war. That said, had Iran done nothing then Israel would have done this again; and again; and again; and again. I believe that Iran’s move, especially seeing as no one died (again, from my understanding), was the only thing they could have done. If war breaks loose, it is the sole fault of Israel and the US; though I understand that such does not matter, when you stand on the opposite end of the barrel.

My answer might not be especially useful, but I used this space to clear some of my own thoughts, as well as to get your post out in the world as I find it immensely important. The West is an extremely racist and bigoted place, despite how we like to portray ourselves. Not only do we (using “we” very generally here) not like Iran, but I would argue that much of our politics surrounds itself by being racist towards muslims in general. Your post shows what I wish I could scream at any fucking racist piece of shit that I have ever met.

Thank you for reading, despite the lengthiness.

[emberswrites]

I misread!!! Ignore my last ask.

Arranged Marriage + Uchiha (whichever you want)

Prompt Game - Ok the 3rd character is Madara bc I say he's alive here but he's not the only one.

Kakashi sits at the table in seiza, hands folded neatly as he is presented to the Uchiha clan head to finalize the engagement. Madara is over 70 years old by now, but he looks no more than 50. Good genes, of course, and not a small dose of spite he's sure. His brother Izuna sits to Madara's right and to his left Fugaku, his soon-to-be betrothed's father, next in line to lead the clan.

Lesser men would have pissed themselves by now.

Kakashi isn't nervous. He looks to his left, where Sasuke is seated diagonally from him and the rest. He's never seen Sasuke quite so formally done up, and the kimono he wears is not the usual Uchiha blue he favours, but a rich burgundy reminiscent of the grape wine the Uchiha sell by the barrel during festival season. From here, he can see how his intended fidgets, glance flickering between them all, his legs folded neatly under him but feet crossed cutely under his bottom, toes curling nervously. Kakashi tries and fails not to let his mind wander at the sight.

"Beautiful, is he not?" Madara says then, knowingly, and Kakashi slowly draws his gaze back to the three in front of him. He doesn't bother looking ashamed at being caught taking his fill, they are all men here and Sasuke's striking looks are no secret. "Just like Izuna was, a spitting image."

"Was?!"

Madara ignores his brother's exclamation, hand settling on a thigh soothingly as he continues talking.

"You know in the old days, you would have been expected to put up a respectable challenge against me to win the hand of a member of my clan."

"Indeed, I shall count myself fortunate, Madara-sama."

"Hm," Madara grunts, blowing smoke out of his pipe, "You might have done well, Hatake. No one is expected to win against me, of course."

"Of course."

"I have great respect for your father, you kin in general. I admire your loyalty and discretion in political matters. I will say, you may find us rather more...rambunctious."

"Passionate, Madara-sama. Lively. My father says I could use some of that in my life."

Kakashi is a shinobi through and through, but the Hatake hadn't sent him just because he is their strongest. There were others, Sasuke's age, but none so deft as to maneuver the halls of the Uchiha compound with the surprising ease he'd found himself to. This was after all a union beyond two people, fraught with all the diplomacy that would come with any member of the Uchiha becoming wed to an outsider, a rare enough occasion as it was.

Madara inclines his head at Kakashi, then turning to Sasuke who'd been looking at the interaction with barely concealed amusement.

"You find him acceptable then, Sasuke? There are plenty of others, of course. Our Sasuke has his pick of the village, and a few others."

Sasuke looks to Kakashi then, dark eyes alight. Kakashi admits when he'd first been asked to present as the Hatake's candidate for the youngest eligible Uchiha's hand, he hadn't been particularly invested. Then he'd sat for tea with him, then dinner, and then several long walks and festivals in a courtship that had easily knocked away all competitors. Not that he'd played fair, when he decided he rather liked Sasuke, didn't wish to see him end up with any of the others. They'd ended many a date sneaking kisses and much more than that on a few occasions, if they happened to be in the secluded Uchiha gardens or deep enough into the forest. He's rather sure Sasuke's mother could spot the hints of unkemptness he would come back with as Kakashi delivered him home, but she hadn't said a word about it.

"I do."

This meeting is a mere formality after all, the Uchiha had sanctioned his courting and their clans had just finished reviewing their soon-to-be shared assets and living arrangements. Sasuke's parents had given their blessings, too, and there was really only one thing left...

"Well then," Madara says, "We have quite the wedding to plan."

[of-twilight-and-moonshadow]

Innuendo - Emery x Orange Cassidy

This idea came to me last night and it was too cute to pass up. Hope ya'll get a kick out of it as much as I did.

Dark Angel of the Bullet Club Masterlist here

Tag List: @katries @mrsmatt @summertimefun1982

If you want added to the tag list, let me know!

Word Count: 538

(Divider)

“Thanks guys,” Renee smiled at the camera, “Joining me, I have Emery – now, you’ve been gone for a bit, welcome back.”

“Thanks, Renee,” Emery smiled sincerely, “I just…. With everything that went down with BCC and then with the Bucks and Kenny….. Hangman and Swerve… It was just—a lot. I needed some time away, ya know?”

“Totally get it,” Renee nodded, “Now that you’re back, do you have any plans?”

“Actually, yeah. I’ve been watching the show from home, keeping my eye on certain people; cheering my friends, booing those I don’t quite… like…. Uh, but—I think it’s long past time that I branch out away from the Elite and find myself again. Maybe go for some title gold?”

“Which title holder do you think you’ll go for—Julia Hart and the TBS championship or Toni Storm and the AEW Women’s Championship?”

“Ya know, I don’t know. I’ve steered clear of Julia since she joined the House, but maybe it’s time I dip my foot in that pond. Or, speaking of ponds- I could look across the pond and go tit for tat with Toni again. Either…. Way…..”

Emery trailed off, tweaking her head to the side inquisitively as Orange Cassidy and Trent stopped across from her. Renee took a step backward, looking at the two guys, unsure where this was going. Emery’s eyes briefly flickered back to Trent, who gave her a smile and a shrug, obviously not sure what his best friend was doing.

“Hey Ree…” Orange said flatly, looking downcast towards the floor, “Heard you wanted a title match… I think you’ve earned one….. I’ll uh—see you Friday on Rampage….”

Emery’s mouth opened a fraction in surprise and amusement, Renee using her free hand in an attempt to hide her own amused smile.

“Orange, uh,” Trent chuckled, stopping him from walking away, “I hate to say it—but I don’t think TK will sanction a match between you and Emery.”

“Yeahh…..” Emery drew out, coughing out a laugh, “I appreciate the uh… offer, J. But Trent’s right.”

“…. Oh….” Orange slowly spoke, as if lost in thought, as he turned his attention back in her direction, “Uhm…. I guess we’ll do this tonight then…. I don’t have a match…. Uh…. Unsanctioned—for the International Championship….”

“Orange….” Trent said under his breath, shaking his head in amusement.

“…. 11:30… My hotel room. See ya then.” He turned away and walked off, leaving everyone in absolute shock; all three of them were wide-eyed and slack-jawed at what had just happened.

“Uhm--- back to you guys,” Renee coughed out as she tried to hold back the laughter. Trent looked at Emery, surprise fully evident in his eyes, but he shrugged, waving goodbye.

“Uh… Good luck?” Trent told Emery, giving her a thumbs up.

Emery stood there, wide-eyed, mouth agape, face tinting a deep shade of pink, too stunned to speak.

“Yeah. Good luck,” Renee echoed, sucking her lips between her teeth in an attempt to hold back her smile.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Emery wordlessly turned and walked the opposite way that Trent and Orange had disappeared.

Surely, that did NOT just happen. On live TV.

“I’m never going to live this down.”

[valsilverhand-archive]

Below the cut is how I keep envisioning how Saul and Mona came to be. Please enjoy!

He remembers her being pure as fucking anything. Big grey eyes and long, sandy blonde hair, and a smile that seemed to be brighter than the sun. She was drinking a soda despite having permission to have a beer for such an accomplishment of living for so long out in the 'wilds'.

He knew who she was the minute he saw her despite the obvious changes to her person.

She was eighteen then he thinks.

She was supposed to be innocent still.

Little precious princess.

But that was three years ago, wasn't it?

And now…. here she was, in NC of all fucking places, in some of the skimpiest fucking clothes.

Saul already knew what she was doing. There was a doll chip on the side of her neck. It was pink.

He was here to find her for her father. Big leader for a sanction of Snake Nation. He was as respectable as they came. Little pushy, but never forced anything in regards to his daughter he so very much wanted back home. Mona had up and disappeared (around her eighteenth birthday no less) with nothing but a note telling her parents that she needed to see the world for what it was. Didn't wanna be in the Badlands anymore.

'I wanna find my roots on my own. Please understand that this isn't being done out of hatred or maliciousness on my end. Just wanna grow up outside of the desert. Want a better life!'

Better life his fucking ass.

If he didn't have such great restraint he would go up and scold her, but he didn't want her to run or that he thought less of her. Wouldn't feel right. Instead he just wanted to see if she was okay. Maybe offer a place with the Aldecado's who were mostly set up in the Badlands outside of the city. Convince her to go home to her family in due time if she so wanted.

( He'd already spoken to her father about this.

"She's stubborn as her mama. Make her do anything she don't want and she's doing the opposite... which was my first mistake. Heh." )

Running a hand down his chin, he tried to think of the best course of action.

Gotta try a gentle approach? Maybe.

He'd gotten distracted by Mitch off to the side eating a hot dog before he realized she was in front of him.

Fuck. That was quick. Hadn't even noticed her walk up.

"Listen," Mona begins - new heart shaped eyes squinting up at him before she looks over at Mitch with an amused expression, "I know who you both are. I remember you from a few years back. I'll tell you like I've told every other gonk my dad sends out here: I am not going back. I will fry your brain if you try."

Mitch makes his way over, finishing off his food, and speaks before he can even get a word out, "You always were quick as a whip. We're not trying to force anything. In fact we just wanted to see how you were doing. Might not be close to Snake Nation but what we are is close to your parents. See you've taken uh… a questionable path however."

"It's the best option while I get my GED," she simply shrugs while fixing short hair back. "Then I'll quit this and get myself into a better life."

Saul sighs. "You know damn well it'll be harder than that. If proper education was what you wanted then you should of said so before you left."

"I wanted to do it on my own," Mona snaps before she realizes her pimp is watching from afar. "Anyway you two either give me a party to talk further or leave."

Her expression stays pleasant despite the clear muddle of emotions trying to keep themself at bay.

"Fine," is all Saul says as he rubs at his chin. "Lead us to the closest room then."

"Well if this isn't taking a turn of events," Mitch snorts out with amusement.

Mona rolls her eyes with an amused little smile, "This way then."

Stubborn as a mule, that woman.

-

He leaves disatisfied.

They'd talked for better part of an hour and neither Saul nor Mitch could convince her to come back with them. Guess she knew what they were planning. It was… frustrating. And a little disappointing. And heartbreaking.

Why the hell did she want to live this life? It wasn't that great to begin with.

He shoots off a message to her father. Doesn't give him anything other than 'couldn't convince her to come home'. The reply is basically a sigh in return.

Good to know she's safe. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want.

And he left it at that.

-

Mona had slipped his mind at this point.

He'd become leader to the Aldecado's just a year or so prior so he'd been busy becoming the best leader he could. Had to keep his family safe.

It's when he's at Sunset Motel, drinking a beer with Mitch and Scorpion, that he realizes that the 'hot number' his friend's were giggling about was her.

This was not the young woman he'd seen years ago doing one of the oldest professions anymore. This was a young edgerunner. A woman who finally got out of one hole into another.

( Couldn't do something boring, could you, Mona? he thinks as he eyes her over. )

She's at least twenty-six or something now, right? Eyes are mismatched purple and white, hair is short and a hot pink, and she has new scars on her stomach and back. There's a gun at her hip. Her outfit is leather and something cotton - all black.

Fuck.

He takes a swig of his beer. Mitch is talking to him about something, but he's too distracted. ( What's wrong with him? He doesn't ogle women. Especially not ones who keep making stupid choices. ) It's Scorpion who decides to head over. There's a shiteating grin his way and he gives an annoyed frown back in turn.

Scorpion manages to get her to come over.

"You had hair the last time we met," she jokes to the younger man as she comes to sit with them at the booth. Scorpion is about to open his mouth but Saul is quicker this time.

"Well," Saul begins before Scorpion can start being the usual flirt, "look who it is. You never do disappoint with your chosen professions."

"Ha! Noticed my new toys, did you?," she squints at him with a grin.

"Course I did. Real hard to miss the iron on your hip."

"Can't help that life happens, Saul," her tone is coy before she takes a swig of her own beer she'd had in hand.

They end up having a great time. Laughing, remincing, catching up. And then he finds himself outside with her in the back of the motel (she should be with Scorpion, right? But no, she's chosen to be with his old ass, but it's not like they didn't have a hell of a lot in common). Both of them sitting on the ground, drunk, and laughing. She's warm up against his side in the chill of the night. Felt familiar in a way he wasn't sure how to describe.

"You know… I thought about your offer. Like. A lot." She has her head rested on his shoulder at this point. "But I can't take it yet."

He looks down at her, "And why the hell not? You got a good head on your shoulders, Mona. Fit right in with the Aldecados. You'd be family."

"I mean yeah, true," she hums, "but it's like… I got put on this pedastal back when I was a kid. Dad made sure as hell to make it my 'destiny' that I would take his spot when he kicked the bucket or retired. I sure as fuck didn't want that."

"Yeah, I remember that. Think they called you Princess, right?"

"Mhmm and I hated it. Never wanted to be in the spotlight and I wanted the choice to do what I wanted… so I disappeared. You were the second or third person to find me too back when I was a doll."

Here she pauses for awhile, going quiet while it seemed like she was trying to figure out how to put her words together. The once jovial mood had simmered down and there was a serious tone.

He keeps quiet.

"My little sister was the first," she continues with a sigh. "Lola. She wanted to see why I left. I told her the same thing I said in the note. I don't hate my family. I just wanted to live my life the way I wanted to. She understood that because Dad put the same stress on her when I left."

She turns back to him, "And I have. I'm almost thirty now. I made myself into something that I wanted to make."

He stares at her for a long while.

She'd bloomed into something more than he or anyone else knew at this point. This was a person who went through so much in the ten or so years she'd been in NC.

"Proud of you for that one," and he cracks a genuine smile. "You've come a hell of a long way, Mona. Keep on going. Don't let anyone stop you."

She smiles again, eyes crinkled, before she rests her head back onto his shoulder. She holds his hand. He grasps her back.

( Why does she fit so comfortably? )

"Thanks, choom."

They talk a little while longer as they sober up.

Mona leaves at about two in the morning but not without leaving him with a kiss to the forehead.

He's just sits there awhile longer in shock before leaving himself.

-

He meets her on and off again.

Every few weeks he comes into NC for a 'supply' run. He stays in her tiny little apartment in Northside. They adventure NC together. Go on dates. Take on jobs here and there. Watch movies. Stay in bed talking about everything and nothing. Make love.

He's never been so goddamn… in love with someone like he is with her.

Sure, he's had other lovers and even girlfriends, but they never last.

Couldn't figure it out until now.

It's been her. It's always been her.

Today he wakes up without her in his arms. She's on her PC, typing away, in a trance like she was sometimes as she finished up contacting fixers or people who hired her for her jobs.

He yawns and stretches, scratching his chest, as he tries to shake the sleep out of his eyes.

"Hey sleepyhead," she grins over at him. "I ordered breakfast. Should be here in about thirty."

"Get my usual?," he asks with another yawn.

"Of course I did. Now just give me a few minutes… I need to finish these reports real quick from the week. Then uh… I have something I want to talk about with you."

Wha-

Ah fuck was she pregnant?

( Why the hell was that your first thought, Saul? )

They hadn't used protection the last few times he'd been able to make it out here. He wasn't sure he would make a great father either. Felt too old to be one too…

It doesn't take her long to come over to the bed. She sits there for a few seconds before she takes a deep breath and smiles.

"So… you remember when you asked me to join the Aldecado's all those years ago?"

Oh. Okay. False alarm. ( Maybe? )

"Yeah, I remember," he mutters with a relieved sigh, "What about it?"

"I just tied my loose ends. I wanna take you up on that offer."

It takes him a few seconds to process what she had said. He pulls himself up to sit.

"You ain't yanking my chain, are you?"

"Do I look like I yank anything other than your cock?," she huffs playfully at him.

He rolls his eyes before grabbing her, pulling her into a kiss that left them both breathless.

"I'll help you pack… but for now…"

She wasn't allowed to leave that bed for awhile, breakfast and the outside world forgotten for a few hours.

-

It's just after the bullshit with V that he finds himself frustrated by the solar panels. He's scared for his family. Saul doesn't want anything worse to happen to them. They've already lost to many people and so much of their sanity…

He's drinking a beer while the sun sets.

Familiar crunch of boots on sand and rock tells him who's coming before he even looks up. Her hair is starting to fade back to that sandy blonde, make up is smudged from the heat, and she looks like a goddamn goddess in the setting light of the day.

Sitting right besides him, she just keeps to herself.

She's always been so patient with him even from the start of their relationship.

He sets down the beer in a spot he hopes he doesn't knock it over before turning to her. His forehead settles on her shoulder.

"I know, honey," she says softly. "It's gonna pass. Our family is gonna grow again. We will kill all the Rafen scum we need to when it comes down to it."

"Just- hate all of this. We finally got settled but Pa-"

"- shit happens. We are not going to dwell. You will not be a hateful shithead. Got it? We all apologized and we got stronger bonds for it. That's final."

Grumbling in agitation, he lifts his head to rest his chin now, arms coming up to pull her into him for a hug. It's hot. They're sweaty. But he could give a rats ass for now.

He just had to remind himself that he was in a spot where he was happy despite the shitshow that's been the last few weeks of his life.

"That's my man," she cooes as she kisses his forehead. "Emotions are good but we will not let the bad ones fester."

Closing his eyes, he sighs through his nose, before he just allows himself to enjoy the moment. Enjoy her warmth as the day started to settled.

Yeah.

This is good.

He was… happy.

"Love you," he mutters as he presses his mouth to the crook of her nook.

Wouldn't trade this for anything.

[laylameower]

My stand on the Transgender Genocide

For the last week, I've been online, and researched, and warned, and read... All about two topics:

Cat Pictures - I just can't live without them.

Genocide - and about this I should continue writing this post. No more cat pics.

What's a genocide?, you may ask. Well, it is not necessarily systematic murder in camps of specific groups. It is any kind of an attempt to remove a group from society. It can be any kind of group:

Individuals of Species, a Sub-Species, or a Race within the Species

Individuals that carry a specific look, gene, or attribute

Believers of an ideology or religion

Basically, any kind of group. And no, it is not necessarily related to genes.

What's the problem with a genocide, then? If genocide means a removal of a certain group from society, what's the problem? If one honestly asks this question, they probably have been brainwashed at least once. And that's a completely different topic. I'll assume (and believe) genocide is bad for the entirety of the post.

What's the danger for us? For us, trans people - or any person - that is a huge danger. Genocide usually continues to murder, and usually doesn't stay restrained to a single group. The Nazis started with killing trans people, too. It means loss of our rights and our ownings - and later, our lives.

I accidentally deleted this paragraph. Oops. I'll rewrite it the best I can remember. I DELETED IT AGAIN I HATE MYSELF.

That won't happen to me. That's what the Jews thought pre-WW2. People really don't like their bubble being poken - the brain tries to protect itself, by the most valid strategy at the time - complete denial. No offense intended.

But the children! There are two responses to this sentence:

Your children will feel much safer being able to express themselves without crappy ideologies restraining them from doing so.

Children growing up in a place where rights are being taken from a group, will know very well not to join nor declare themselves a part of said group. That's just human survival instinct.

I deleted another paragraph accidentally. I hate myself so much. I'll just shorten it from ten sentences to one.

I'll stay and fight! Your choice. I'm a scared piece of crap, so I won't. Heavily unrecommended.

How can I flee? Here's something I wrote about that in a Reddit comment.

The Jews thought the same thing before WW2. They didn't believe the Nazis would murder them. They didn't want to run. Six million of them were wrong.

Run for your life. Now. Take all your assets. Cash only. Take digital stuff, and papers that prove you own something - but they'll be worth something only AFTER the genocide will end, so make sure you have physical valuable stuff. But the country CAN and WILL revoke your ownings. And not in USD - take it in another currency. You don't want your money not to be accepted because of sanctions, or the value of the money to drop because of a war.

You will want to move all the ownings you weren't able to take with you to the ownership of someone you trust, or to another country's banks (recommending the swiss).

Plan ahead. There'll be lots of refugees. The genocide won't stay restricted to only trans people. You will want to have valuable stuff to pay to people for food and a place to live in the country you'll be in. Secure a place to live.

And most importantly: flee. Tell all LGBTQIA+ people. Especially trans people. And don't say "I'm stealth", the government will seize your medical history and find out. The government will track you online. Don't say "it's illegal", because genocide is illegal, and they'll take any step possible to exterminate us.

Flee from the US. It's not about keeping those who will find out they're trans, and don't know yet - they'll grow up with enough internalized transphobia not to dare to say anything to anybody. It's not about a long term plan. This is about IMMEDIATE SURVIVAL.

Take a loan, to afford the tickets and housing in Europe or Canada or whatever place you wanna go to. It'll be invalidated when the law declares us inferior and non-human, when they'll forbid us from having bank accounts.

I'm NOT crazy. I'm Jewish, and German. My great grandfather was smart enough to run away, before he was murdered. His entire family - dead. This is a reboot of my culture and family's most remembered and important event. This, my friends, will be a holocaust.

They'll systematically murder and exterminate us. No remorse. They won't even see us as human beings. Flee the country. Please. Don't let hell collect another six million people.

And no, Hitler didn't go this far. He just said we're inferior, and should be murdered so "natural" selection will do its job. *They* are trying to finish Hitler's job. The monster that systematically murdered people, Jews, people of color, trans people, gays, intersex people, autistic people, and more and more - still has a legacy. We must run, and we must defend ourselves.

Canada seems like the best option - refugee status - but we know not if a genocide will be the only thing to happen. As far as we know, the USA could start WW3. After all, transphobia and racism commonly come together. If the republicans will win the elections - those who stayed are doomed. If the democrats win - it is only a delay, not a win.

Yeah, it's a bit fanatic. But it's written that way to scare people, make them actually think about it. I'm sorry, but I can't put a "read more" bar on mobile - I'll do it when I reach my PC. Thank you for reading this whole thing - and even if you don't agree, please reply!

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

I'm super mad right now. This has nothing to do with Marvel, I just need to vent.

I'm so fucking tired of reading posts on social media with thousands of notes from people who claim the media outlets "are not reporting" on something, or "don't care" or some variation of that shit.

And I recognize I'm obviously biased on this but holy shit, you know the majority of people who say that crap NEVER follow the news? These are the ones who think they're informed because they've read 3 tweets on some matter. The same folks who don't watch the news nor listen to the radio, let alone buy a fucking newspaper (I bet my ass they have never done that in their lives!).

So I read some bullshit over the "media" not talking about Iran and I just can't believe my eyes. We get the news everyday, Iranian activists go on TV every single day to inform of what's going on, I watched an interview with the Iranian ambassador early this week and the bastard had the guts to try and justify what had been done to Mahsa and guess what? The journo cut him a new one. He was super clear, didn't put up with any of the crap the ambassador was saying, the journalists are NOT putting up with this! I know leaders are speaking against it, our PM sent a statement a few days ago, the EU is meeting in order to impose sanctions on Iran........ and all this shit I know because I follow the news, I care about informing myself. And yet I have to put up with idiots who can't be bothered to read a newspaper claim that the "media" don't care? Kiss my ass.

I read some bullshit that the "media" has forgotten about Ukraine despite the fact that we have news every fucking day, we have journalists WHO ARE RISKING THEIR LIVES to inform the entire world, we get interviews with Ukrainians, the TV + radio + newspapers contact experts on external affairs, they interview the ministers, they have journalists in Brussels and the US who tell us what's going on over there, there are professionals in fucking Russia who need to censor their tweets and never write the word "war" because they're afraid they might be taken by the dictator and sent to prison.

All these men and women are risking their lives only to have a bunch of fucking ignorant dumbfucks go on social media and claim they don't care? No honey, YOU don't care. YOU are the one who refuses to follow the news (*) but has the fucking audacity to shit-talk those who are endangering themselves just so you can get a bunch of notes or likes or whatever the hell by claiming "oh the media don't care".

You know who LOVES to read your shit? You know where that leads us? Fascism, that's where. They are the ones who want you to believe that the media lies to you so that you won't believe what they say, they are the ones who want to convince you to stand against the system by claiming all politicians are corrupt, that's what they want! To isolate you so that you will only believe the crap they sell while at the same time being so dumb that you think you're being progressive.

Yes the system isn't perfect and yes it needs to be improved but a democracy isn't a fucking joke, the institutions matter, there are politicians out there who are BRILLIANT at what they do and most media outlets work fantastically well despite the journalists being paid like shit and having awful working conditions.

Have some fucking respect.

(*) I want to point out that I know many people don't follow the news for various reasons, that's their predicament and I respect the hell out of it. I know the world right now is a mess and it hurts to see certain things, all the power to you guys. This is aimed at those who don't inform themselves but still hate on journalism.

[bellafarallones]

Winter Prompts

Here are 60 winter-themed prompts, including historical, fantasy, roommates/neighbors, celebrities/Hallmark movies, holiday parties, school/college, and miscellaneous. Some are somewhat NSFW. Free to use for fanfic or original fiction, but please tag me!

Historical

01. (Ancient Rome) We’re celebrating Saturnalia, a weeklong festival where gambling is sanctioned, gag gifts are given and received, and slaves and masters feast together 02. (Fantasy? Medieval) Our marriage was arranged and you’ve been away since the wedding but now it’s winter and you’re home and we have to figure out how to actually get along 03. (Fantasy? Medieval) We are simple farmers and on the one hand it’s freezing and horrible outside but on the other hand it’s nice to have no work to do and nowhere to be but snuggled up in bed with my beloved spouse 04. (Victorian) We’re the only two students staying at our elite, repressive boarding school over the winter holidays 05. (1920s) I’m a regular guest at Mr. Gatsby’s parties and he hired you to play Santa at his Christmas party and you seem confused and overwhelmed by the level of debauchery going on 06. (1950s) I’m supposed to be at this Christmas-themed singles mixer to meet someone of the opposite sex but I can’t take my eyes off you 

Fantasy

07. I’ve been staying in a remote cabin, convinced that there’s a monster lurking in the woods outside, but now I’ve been snowed in for four days and I think the monster is replenishing my woodpile so I don’t freeze 08. I’m a werewolf who always self-isolates before I transform but my roommate and I are snowed in together and the full moon is tonight  09. I’m a werebear trying to explain to my new partner that I do sort of hibernate 10. Three ghosts just showed up and are telling me about Christmases past, future, and yet to come but I’m pretty sure they’ve got the wrong bedroom 11. I met the krampus once as a kid and now I’m misbehaving on purpose because I want to see them again 12. I’m a mountain climber and the last thing I remember is passing out from exhaustion in the snow, before waking up in a cave with the Yeti standing over me 13. I’m ice fishing and am very surprised when a face appears in the hole  14. I just crash-landed on an icy alien planet and you’re the alien who takes me in (bonus: the “alien planet” is Earth)

Hallmark/Celebrity

15. As a career-oriented city-dweller who’s also a fan of Hallmark Christmas movies, Christmastime has me trying and failing not to worry that my new partner is going to leave me when they go home for the holidays

(more prompts under the cut!)

16. I’m an adult film star trying to break into Hollywood and this Hallmark movie could be my big break… if my costar and I can get along 17. We’re both musicians and our agents set us up to collaborate on a Christmas album even though I hate Christmas and you seem to love it  18. I’m a celebrity who’s home in my small town for the holidays and you recognize me in public - sort of 19. I’ve been unlucky in love and my blind date has been ranting for ten minutes about how awful Hallmark movies are and I don’t know how to say that I write scripts for them for a living 20. We’re best friends who love watching Hallmark movies together and you always talk about finding your true love at Christmastime but the only true love I can imagine for myself is you 21. I’m spending a few days at a Christmas tree farm/bakery for a few days to do research for my new Christmas-themed romance novel but I never expected to fall in love myself  22. You and I hit it off last night in the hot tub of this ski resort but I didn’t realize until this morning that you’re literally a celebrity snowboarder 

Holiday Party

23. You’re an escort I hired to pretend to be my partner at my company’s holiday party 24. I’m an intern who hates my coworkers and is only at the company holiday party for the free food and booze, but you’re a musician who’s been hired to provide live music and you’re gorgeous 25. I drew your name for Secret Santa but we don’t know each other very well and so I asked all your friends about your interests without saying why I was asking and now they all think I have a crush on you 26. I have a very strong sense of style and looking for an ugly sweater for this ugly sweater party is stressing me out, please help 27. You and I get into an argument about what the best Christmas cookie is while in line for the hot cocoa bar at our mutual friends’ gorgeous winter wedding 28. I gave you some of my special spiked eggnog without realizing what a lightweight you were and now I feel responsible for taking care of your drunk ass 29. My friend convinced me to come to their family Christmas party as their fake date and it’s a struggle to keep up the ruse because I really want to flirt with their cute sibling/cousin/relative  30. I’m a magical creature in disguise who’s never been to a holiday party before and there’s something in the decorations that’s making my skin itch and oh no I’m going into heat 31. My New Year’s resolution last year was to either get over my crush on you or make a move and now we’re at a New Year’s Eve party together and it’s really coming down to the wire 

Neighbors/Roommates

32. I’m very committed to aesthetics but my neighbor seems to be trying to repurpose their terrifying Halloween decorations for Christmas 33. I bought a porch camera to keep my packages from getting stolen and you’re my next door neighbor and what are you doing in your front yard in the middle of the night 34. I’ve decided to meet my neighbors by offering to clear their driveways with my new snowblower but now you’re watching me out the window and I’m discovering that it’s not as easy to operate as I’d assumed 35. I slipped on the ice in my driveway and fell really hard and you’re the neighbor who heard my screams and came running, I think my arm is literally broken can you please drive me to the hospital  36. We’re roommates and normally I go home for the holidays but now there’s this global pandemic and I can’t travel so how about we celebrate together? 37. We’re roommates who just got in a screaming fight when the power goes out and we get snowed in together, but I was only rude in the first place to hide my big fat crush on you

School/College

38. We’re both teachers and you invited me to come over to hang out on a snow day 39. You’re in the library distributing free Christmas cookies to people studying for finals and I’m dying of stress and sleep deprivation but I need you to know how grateful I am 40. You’re my dorm neighbor who’s started blasting Christmas music on November 1 and I can hear you through the wall

Miscellaneous

41. You and I don’t know each other very well but we’re the only two people in our group of friends who don’t celebrate Christmas and don’t have family nearby, so do you want to get Chinese food together? 42. You’re a supervillain who’s decided to enact your evil plot on Christmas and I’m the only hero in town who’s on duty because I don’t celebrate it  43. I’m a secret agent and normally it feels glamorous jetsetting around the world, but on Christmas it’s just lonely, and you’re the only other person by themself at the hotel bar 44. I’m a noir detective and you’re the hot mysterious person who just slunk into my office the week before Christmas 45. We’re both working at the mall during the holiday season and everything about this experience is miserable except for getting to spend time with you 46. I work at the Hallmark store and you’re not the usual demographic who comes in to buy ornaments 47. I was a figure skater for eight years but you just offered to teach me to skate and you’re cute so I’ll pretend to be bad at it 48. All my friends/coworkers make fun of me for liking sugary coffee but you just brought me one of the Starbucks holiday drinks because you knew I was having a bad day 49. Christmas was bad for me as a kid so now I don’t celebrate and even though you do I’m reluctant to start again  50. Now that I’m retired/can work remotely I’ve decided to become a snowbird and spend every winter in Florida and you’re someone who lives there year-round and yearns for snow 51. I’m trying to track someone or something and the falling snow obliterating their footprints is making it difficult  52. I know we just met but I can’t keep myself from staring when you take off your winter layers  53. Our flights keep getting delayed, how about we pool our snacks for Christmas dinner in the airport?  54. You and I were friends in high school and we always share a hotel room when we come home for the holidays but this year there’s only one bed 55. You seem embarrassed about your sledding accident but I’m the overworked, burnt-out nurse/doctor taking care of you and I really admire your ability to keep joy in your life - actually, where did you go sledding? Can I borrow your sled tonight after my shift ends? 56. I regularly deliver pizzas to your house but wasn’t expecting you to give me a “holiday bonus” in addition to your normally generous tip - what kind of eccentric millionaire are you? 57. We’ve been rivals in a gingerbread house contest for years but this year the contest is accepting team submissions only and you’re the only person I trust to be on my team  58. I accidentally hit you in the face with a snowball and then immediately offered to warm your face up without thinking about what exactly that might entail  59. This flu season hit me like a truck and you’re the friend who insists on bringing me soup every single day  60. My friends ask me what my New Year’s resolution is and I jokingly say “to lose my virginity” (or “to have a threesome”)

[libraryofcirclaria]

18 March 1287

Library of Circlaria

Third Level Society: First Version

Story Eight: Jeo Brock

The big war's been over for a month now. Prime Minister Cummings had signed an armistice with the Lykians, handing over large swaths of territory to them, all in the Galapolgis Isles region. It was a big loss for us but at least there's been peace since February 16th; though there is still a lot of fear about.

I feel, however, that the fear is largely unfounded.

Three days ago, I got a message from Cray Fenton that Carol is in her niche in North Kempton, and seems pretty content. Meanwhile, I am still at Cabotton, serving as the Society's first ever Cardkeeper, and having made amends with Rachele. We certainly aren't dating anymore, but at least we're not enemies.

I found out about the force that threw me out of the Arturian Realm on the fateful day of February 6th, 1287. It was something called a "gyro-shockwave." Apparently, a Red Desert Bomb detonation releases some sort of force in the "gyro-spectrum" that neutralizes a dynamic granular plane like the Arturian Realm. And that's apparently very dangerous because of the tendency for something like this to put the human mind and body into a state of shock. The one I encountered was weak enough that it was survivable, but there have been similar events in other places in Circlaria in the distant past that were destructive and fatal.

Also, I spoke with Dr. Louton, who told me that my absence on February 6th did not count because the class did not finish. So I guess I am still in Lightfire Internship Preparations. We had to make an appeal on that, which took over a month, but I stuck around because Dr. Louton gave me encouragement; and I guess it paid off. As long as I am good on my attendance from here on out, I'll be certain to have a fighting chance in West Horizon.

And of course, there's Rose Anne Mahathy. I just saw her last night, and also met Mr. Mahathy. I thought long and hard about what Rose said to me.

So I had been raised to believe in monogamous relationships being the only morally acceptable form of romance...but was never taught to ask why. I was shocked at first when Rose Anne told me her interests; and at first, I was looking for a way out of that situation.

But in the process of doing that, I dwelt for the longest time on the prospect of myself being in an ideal monogamous relationship. I found nothing wrong with it, per say. In fact, I still do not today. But something about it felt...off...to me. Like having a whole commitment to my one and only, in a way, felt a bit isolating, like I was cutting myself off from the rest of the world, not in terms of society as a whole, but humanity.

I've come to realize that, deep down inside, my interests have been parallel to that of Rose Anne's. And I feel that is the case for a lot of other people, more than one may think. It's just that the people at the top of society seem to want to control the lives of those at the bottom, especially in terms of personal lifestyles and choice. Meona Bell had been telling me of the people in the Mount Carris Perimeter, where resides Ceri Mains, the ones who are naturals at darkfire, and how it was so wrong for the Retunians to sanction them inside such a small....yes, prison...solely for having a personal connection with darkfire.

It's the same sort of thing for me and my suppressed interests, but now I am beginning to know better. I never knew that I would have such a deep connection with Rose Anne, and especially for that reason.

I will see her again next week.

In the meantime, Valian, Richard, Peteron, Motteron, and I are back as our avatars in Evernorth. The all-winter patches are gone. The Five Kingdoms are mostly restored. And we have decided to continue with the Project to plant a large daemon on the Center Isle.

There's still a lot of work to do though.

**END OF STORY EIGHT**

<- 08 March 1287 <- || -> Story Nine: Sophia Qalmers ->

[burning-bubble-tea]

Cried in front of my family where I was grieving the fact that we live in world that is normalizing genocide and racism and I was crying and grieving all the beautiful lives stolen from us through genocide.

And I didn’t love my family insinuating that I couldn’t handle people having different opinions from me. Like the whole reason why I was crying was because I’m tired of people being unnecessarily cruel and then calling me a radicalized terrorist because I want genocide to stop.

And then they also said how I wasn’t talking a lot about the other genocides and like what the fuck was that about. Don’t you dare insinuate that I only care about Palestine and I’m overreacting.

You don’t make me feel better about genocide happening by saying genocides all over the world happen like a part of me is selfishly mourning that my family cannot grieve with me. They say they don’t care but I’ve gotten more empathy from a random lady who just said what is happening is terrible and awful. Like I don’t need my family breaking down my reactions and saying how I’m mentally ill or whatever. Like I know I’m mentally ill. But why is it suddenly not ok for me to feel sad and grieve all these deaths.

Like I just want my family to be like it’s really terrible what’s happening and your reaction to horrific world events is normal. Not “it’s ok to feel sad but it’s getting in the way of your day to day life” like it’s fucking not??? Yeah I’ve had depressive episodes and you’ve “given me so much space” but I selfishly wish they could just understand that it’s fine to be sad about this shit.

Like I can’t fucking stand it, why is everyone’s advice “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” FUCK THAT. Healing after what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. What doesn’t kill me right now is rightfully making me feel AWFUL. I am grieving and I don’t have the words to express it. I grieve the missing and murdered indigenous women I grieve the harms of colonialism, I grieve our lost trans siblings I grieve MY lost trans kin. I grieve the wall between my culture and myself. I can see the root causes but I feel like trying to talk about it makes people think I’m negative I’m depressing like no I just want to grieve.

I’ll always hold hope so close to my heart. I want to live in a world that allows the sovereignty of people.

And I’m not fucking crazy for crying about a genocide. It’s not that I can’t handle people have a different fucking opinion, I’m fucking angry that people still refuse to call it a genocide.

My family still keeps on saying how it’s “complicated” and I’m just so disheartened to hear them say that. It’s not complicated. The solutions maybe complicated but one of the solutions, boycott divest and sanctions, demanding a ceasefire. Recognize what’s happening is a genocide. Call it a genocide. Call them war crimes. That’s what they fucking are. It’s not complicated to call genocide a genocide.

[kelly-danger]

Just because you want to be a cis man dosnt mean you want to be a trans girl imo. Sometimes people see a guy whos like "sometimes i wish I was a girl" and theyre like YOURE TRANS! But like those are unfortunately two very different experiences and we're given the disservice of living in the real world. If they want to take hrt for dysphoria and live as a trans women thats chill, but my experience as a trans woman is that im only regarded as a women sometimes, usually when its convenient for people who want to exploit me sexually or to virtue signal. Usually im regarded as a freak, which is nice honestly, i like being a freak. This is all fine and good except when being a freak prevents me from getting hired at jobs associated with masculinity, and being not enough of a woman prevents me from getting hired at jobs associated with femininity.

I like my body now though and my existence was always at odds with society. Society dosnt reward males who arent interested in conforming to masculinity, it ostracisises them and subjects them to emotional and physical violence. A natural response to that experience is dysphoria. If all your life you're told youre not a man and punished for it, its easy to think that being a woman might be easier. But being a trans woman?

The most exhilarating part of it is the continued coersion into manhood that I experienced when I tried still being a man. Not being obsessed with patriarchal sexuality for instance meant I was not a man and I was told and shown that by other men. Robert jensen, prominent radical feminist himself said the goal of his essay Patriarchal sex was to encourage men to "stop being men". Now when someone tells me im not a man, I say yes. Theres something liberating about that.

Maybe in another life id see resisting patriarchy as something that makes me brave and strong, manly even, despite how other men and many women wouldnt view or treat me favorably for it. (Even now the ammount that I care about male aproval is miniscule if existent).. but that puts us all back at square one gender abolition wise dosnt it? And either way im going to not want a body that is perceived as male, im not going to be interested in engaging with romance or friendships or rhetoric in the ways i will be expected to as a man. I think I would resent the expectation to perform my role every step of the way.

So what im excited for is for society to create ways to overcome and escape these roles. I think this idea of a "fem boy" is going to be one such revolutionary subculture slash subcategory that could provide a socially sanctioned way of being that challenges patriarchal norms. But it could also be used to strengthen them, just like how transsexuality can he used to either strengthen or weaken patriarcy. So called alternatives to the more blatently patriarchal ways of being a man (being a gentleman for instance) usually get grafted right back into the whole.

Even transsexuality. The expectation to conform to patriarchal femininity in order to be accepted by others...to pass. Well, its never been aluring to me as an individual, despite the safety it might bring.

I dont really have a conclusion, essentially i feel that there is no escape from patriarchy. The for me thinking of myself as not a part of the binary, as not a man, is the most liberating way of going about things, but im still looking for other alternatives

[notsolong-pause]

I am Russian. Never in my life i wanted to feel ashamed or guilty of who i am. But now, after reading the news non-stop for three days, not being able to sleep properly or go on with my daily tasks, I can’t help but feel the overwhelming shame and guilt for my government. I know, feeling this way doesn’t help anybody, and it’s, probably, just me feeling more important than I actually am.

For the past three days, I couldn’t stop feeling scared for my friends and parts of my family in Ukraine, for the regular citizens that were robbed of life and safety by the president of my country, for all the Russians and for myself.

I hate him for killing people, not only in his country now, but in Ukraine as well. I hate him for not listening the entire world, his own people, the UN, and for god’s sake (!) even Tal*bs. How mad one has to be if even the terrorists are telling you to fucking stop.

Seeing people hiding in subway, being under fire, looking at their life shattering makes me so mad and devastated. Their life being in danger is a priority, it is the biggest and the most horrible thing about this war and has to stop.

There are consequences that I am scared to talk about, because they are shifting focus to what I feel, to what every Russian feels. But even though, this is not the most important thing right now, it is a thing. I see it in the eyes of a barista when taking my morning coffee, my teachers, my friends, my mom, every single person on the subway. I am angry that this old crazy man who has gone fucking mad and sick from being the “tsar” for so long claims that we, Russians, are on the same side with him, that all this is done from our names and with our support.

People around me get arrested for:

1) Picketing

2) Going for protests

3) Posting on social media

4) Putting up signs in their windows

The list goes on. Yesterday a woman who lived through the occupation of Saint-Petersburg (read up on Blockage of Leningrad) during WWII was arrested FOR WANTING TO STOP THE WAR.

As a Russian, I feel that there’s no escape and no support. Our economy is crushing. In my family there are times when there is very little money and we have to think about where to cut the budget so we could have food for the nest two weeks. It is about to get worse. We are getting locked up in our country: visas are getting harder to get, sanctions are cutting off the internet, the transportation. All the sanctions are not making it harder for the Old man and his gang - he stole from us, he steals from us and he will keep stealing until we are drained to death. Finally, even if I go abroad some day, despite the peaceful protests that we have been on, despite our disagreement and hatred for the war, we are Russians, we are the aggressor. Our government, all the other governments in the world and the world community sees as a problem. or someone to avoid. I feel like I am being locked with an abusive parent who makes my friends suffer and tells everyone that I wanted this to happen, while I can only beg him to stop.

This whole post is not to say that we are the victims. The people of Ukraine are. My heart, my mind, my soul is with them. This post has no point at all. These are just my thoughts and feelings that kept me awake this night. God, I hope we all still have a future. Amen.

[graphicabyss]

On War and World Politics: a Rant

Last night I saw someone on Twitter tweet something like "Be careful what you reblog, propaganda is everywhere" in regards to Ukraine war and it made me so bitter. I mean, in a different situation I might agree but right now it feels like a dangerous sentiment. Everyone has an agenda? Sure. Except someone's is getting more funds so their people don't get slaughtered and someone's is slaughtering as many as they can. Some make exaggerations and spin the facts to raise the morale of their warriors and some make up alternate realities to make people want to kill the neighboring nation. And I do feel a little conflicted about the way we try to dehumanize the enemy, such as calling them 'orcs' but right now it's really a matter of our survival. After all, they try to convince their soldiers our democratically elected government is neo-Nazi. Despite, you know, our president being Jewish?

And Putin wrote his own short Mein Kampfs and did speeches that were a prelude to genocide. Ukraine never existed? First off, that's not how countries work. Sure. Ukraine is young as a country. So is Slovenia or Montenegro or actually half the East European countries. A hundred years ago there were like 80 countries in the world, now there are 195. And even if it did in fact never exist before 1991, well it does now, bitch, and that's the only thing that matters. And sure, we struggled with our national identity, still do. The ironic thing is, nobody did more to unite the Ukrainian nation than Putin.

Another sad thing is, I was born in Russia and have family there. But like most, they don't get it. Most Russians are confused about the war, but in the end they say "idk, the government knows best so they much be doing the right thing??". At best they say shit like "War is bad" or "there are good people on both sides". And I understand why. It's not about the facts, it never really is. The Russians refuse to believe they are the bad guys. That it's their soldiers burning down villages, raping and killing.

Meanwhile, the West looked at all this and was very concerned. I don't consider myself naive but these days I can't help but be in disbelief at how little changed in world politics. The West knew. They knew exactly what was about to happen. They were convinced more than we were. That's why they evacuated all of their embassies weeks before the invasion. They thought we were going to fail within days, even hours. So why give weapons to a country that's gonna fail anyway? I remember our president going to EU to plead and urge the West to implement preventive sanctions. It was a desperate attempt. "You you really think Russia will attack, why not sanction it now? Before blood is spilled?" They gave him a standing ovation. They did not do as he asked.

I am grateful to the West for the help but looking back, I also feel bitter and betrayed. What's the use of UN and peacekeeping if they just stand by and watch? It feels a failure just like the League of Nations. We're grateful for the thoughts and prayers, but thoughts and prayers don't save lives. Fighter jets do. And not one country gave us a single one. The US almost agreed to give us some through Poland but Poland was like "yeah, no".

And some people say we should be grateful for what we get. But this is not a charity. If Putin gets Ukraine, he won't stop. Baltic countries, Poland, Moldova... everything is fair game. We're taking the hit now.

And yet, for every million in aid to Ukraine, Russia is getting a billion in gas money. The world, Germany and France, in particular, need that sweet cheap gas and oil from Russia so they kept paying it money, the money it used to make tanks and guns that kill our people. Well, sometimes they just sell the weapons directly, my bad.

Looking at all this, it becomes so easy to see how Hitler wasn't stopped until it was too late. They tried to appease him and bargain with him hoping he'll just somehow chill out and it'll be fine, even when he already slaughtered hundreds of thousands. The first concentration camp opened 6 years before the start of WWII. And it is particularly sad to see how hesitant Germany is now to take action.

Anyway, nobody wants to hear about this now. It's tough and depressing. And then there's just the general news fatigue. There are other issues in the world. I get that. But that doesn't make it any easier. I got so many messages in the beginning asking me if I was ok and I felt grateful. But it's a bit like hospital visits - you go once and then your job is done. It feels like everyone has already moved on. And I can't blame them, nobody wants to hear about mass murders. But I am still here and it feels like a really lonely spot to be in.

[epicstuckyficrecs]

Weekly Recap | February 8-21 2021

You get two weeks worth of fics this time because I got too busy last weekend and didn't have time to do my weekly recap :)

Complete

Evanstan Week 2021 by luninosity/ @luninosity​ (Evanstan | 10K | Mature): All my Evanstan Week little fics!

1. dodger 2. kisses  3. on set  4. first times (a first kiss, at least)  5. in space (alternate universe)  6. fluff  7. holiday 

💙  Remote Access by Kalee60/ @kalee60​ (Modern AU, Roommates | 57K | Explicit): Bucky Barnes was in trouble. More trouble than he ever thought he could get into as a grown adult. And it was caused by two singular factors that should never have become entwined.One, his god-like housemate Steve Rogers, who was unfairly handsome and the perfect specimen of man in not only looks but personality - and completely out of Bucky’s league.Two, Bucky’s obsession with a new toy he’d purchased to fill his lonely nights (and other areas).But when Steve buys a new TV, suddenly these two seemingly separate parts of Bucky’s life crash together in a spectacular and obsessive way.Bucky soon finds himself not as in control as he thought - and that’s when things start to get interesting…

💙  Black and Blue by darter_blue/ @darter-blue​, the1918/ @the1918​ (Modern AU, Spies & Secret agents | 7K | Explicit): CIA Agent Bucky Barnes and Captain Steve Rogers, Army 207th, Military Intelligence, are two American spies working for two different intelligence agencies. They've developed somewhat of complicated relationship while chasing down the same leads.

Until One Day, We Won't Be by the1918/ @the1918​ (Evanstan RPF | 8K | Explicit): Six times Chris and Sebastian were alone. [+ one time they were not.]

💙  How to Bang Your Weapon (in This World and the Next) by Brokenwords, elkane/ @elkane​, Hark_bananas/ @harkbananas​, kocuria-visuals (kocuria)/ @kocuria​, Nospheratt/ @nospheratt​, profoundalpacakitten/ @profoundalpacakitten​, ScrambledScript, sublimepigeon/ @sublimepigeon, ursa (Canon Divergent, WS!Steve, WS\Bucky, Multiverse | 50K | Explicit): Hydra knows how to get the Asset to do their bidding. When they want a new Captain, a new Steven Grant Rogers from another universe to help grow Hydra’s collection of supersoldiers, of course they send the Asset. But little do they know that in any universe, a Bucky will always find a Steve, and a Steve will always protect a Bucky.

💙  What lies they told us by darter_blue/ @darter-blue​ (Mobster AU | 42K | Explicit): Steve Rogers might still see his ma every Sunday, but he isn’t the dutiful son. He gave up that life a long time ago. Bucky Barnes may be following in his fathers footsteps, but he wants to set a path to something more than where they’ll take him. Steve and Bucky’s lives have always intersected. There is something between them that exists, real and palpable. But they are opposite sides of a coin. Opposing families in a war for money and power. Blood and pain. And fate may bring them together, again and again, pulling them closer. But it always finds a way to rip them apart. What they need is a way to fight fate. To fight their families. To reach each other. To keep each other. 

the prosecution rests by dirtybinary/ @dirtybinary (Post-WS | 3K | Teen): The Asset has to admit, ending a mission with Captain America crying into his lap is pretty unexpected. Even for him, and he is trained to anticipate all contingencies.

💙  The Seed and the Root by the1918/ @the1918​ (Shrunkyclunks, Post-EG | 32K | Explicit): His hands and mouth are gentle on the outside, but on the inside, Steve is burning up. He’s got everything he’s ever wanted on the bed and land beneath him, and now it’s so much at once that he’s afraid he’ll combust into white, nuclear light. (Part 3 of 💙  Song of the Rolling Earth)

Burning For You by musette22/ @musette22​ (Evanstan RPF, Non-Famous Sebastian | 3K | Teen): Sebastian gets a little carried away when raving about the Mountain Lodge candle to a friend. It leads to an unexpected, fragrant encounter.

At The Bottom Of Everything by Anonymous (Evanstan RPF | 12K | Teen): Six years. That’s what they’re celebrating. Six years, of them. Of this. That's what Chris is happy about. Until the phone rings. Until he turns on the news.

💙  Slip Of The Tongue by this_wayward_life (Shrunkyslunks, Soulmate AU | 6K | Explicit): Mr Perfect Ass is even prettier from the front. His braid is loose enough that strands of hair have fallen to frame his face, and an oversized scarf is pulled up to just below his pouty, red mouth. He's big, with wide shoulders and thick arms and thighs that are straining at his jeans, and he's staring at Steve with a blush on his face and the prettiest eyes Steve has ever seen."Oh, god," Steve blurts out. "Please sit on my face."

(series) Kinktober 2020 by this_wayward_life (31 works | 80K | Explicit)

The Best Handjob Of Bucky Barnes's Damn Life (Handjob)

Soft (Eating Out)

The Benefits of A Sugar Baby  (Thigh Riding)

Black and Blue (Choking/Spanking)

Black Mesh, Red Leather (Daddy Kink)

Thank God For Company-Sanctioned Teambuilding Workshops (Blindfolded)

The Only Thing School Football Is Good For  (Blowjob)

Your Body, On Crumpled Sheets (Voyeurism)

Feeling Just Peachy (Accidental Stimulation)

Blood-slick (Knife Kink)

Bury Me (Restraints)

Summer Nights (Fingering)

Beautiful Shackles (Public Sex)

You Are My First, And You'll Be My Last (Sixty-Nine)

Cover My Body (Size Difference)

All Plugged Up (Toys)

the tenderest touch leaves the darkest of marks (Begging)

Sugar Cookies (In the kitchen)

Seeing Double (Threesome)

I'll crawl home to him (Edging)

Your Voice In My Ear (Phone sex)

Hold Me Close, Keep the Monsters at Bay (In the shower/tub)

Keep Me Warm (First Time)

He never asked me once about the wrong I did (BDSM/rough sex)

Unexpected (Caught masturbating)

Overcome (Overstimulation)

In the Crowd (Orgy)

Praise Your Baby (Praise kink)

Grab on my waist and put that body on me  (Dirty talk)

Rediscovery (Mutual Masturbation)

Think I Found Myself a Cheerleader (Dressed up)

WIP

💙  Underneath the Shattered Sky by JJK/ @trenchcoatsandtimetravel (Planet Hulk AU, Post-Endgame | 14/? | 55K | Mature): “I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.” Steve sounded choked. “I’m sorry. It was out of line.” “It’s really okay.” “No, it’s not. You’re not him. You’re your own person, with your own history, your own thoughts and feelings. Your own life here. I can’t expect you to be him. It’s not fair. To either of you.” “Maybe not,” Bucky huffed back. “But in this universe, my Steve’s an asshole who left me. And in your universe, your Bucky was taken from you, so I don’t really know what’s fair anymore.”

💙  and the river flows beneath your skin by Deisderium/ @deisderium​ (Boarding School AU, Soulmates | 3/? | 20K | Mature): In which Steve and Bucky are forced to room together their senior year at boarding school, and accidentally soul bond to each other even though they kind of hate each other. All they have to do to get out of it is not kiss each other for a year so the accidental bond will fade. How hard could it be?

💙  The Root and the Stalk by the1918/ @the1918​ (Shrunkyclunks, Post-EG | 3/6 | 18K | Explicit): “My mom, she’s not perfect, but she always had this one saying. You can’t look right into the sunset, because the light will burn your eyes. So you have to face east, right?” Bucky tucks his forehead against Steve’s chest, staring down the gap between them, eyes on their feet. “And when you do, you can look at the ground, and you can see your own shadow.” Bucky raises his head after a contemplative silence and gazes up at Steve. Those stormy gray eyes are filled with luminance, iridescence, splintered rays of shining light. “Or—Mom would say—you can look in front of you.” His lashes kiss his cheeks in butterfly pulses every time he blinks. “And ‘God’s light at your back will show you everything.’” (Part 4 of 💙  Song of the Rolling Earth)

💙  Revenance by by JJK/ @trenchcoatsandtimetravel​, SinpaiCasanova (Bladerunnerblue) (The Old Guard AU/The Song of Achilles AU | 20/? | 62K | Mature | Warning: Violence, MCD): And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone. Or, the one where Steve and Bucky are immortal and used to be known as Achilles and Patroclus.

💙  my soul and my youth (it’s all for you to use) by voxofthevoid/ @voxofthevoid​ (Post-Endgame (non-compliant) | 1/2 | 7K | Explicit): He waits until Bucky’s got a happy mouthful of eggs and toast. “I want to fuck you when you’re asleep.” Steve smiles his sweetest smile, and Bucky’s eyes narrow further, until they’re luminous blue slits. He swallows. Steve helplessly tracks the bob of his throat and drags his eyes back up to Bucky’s. “Steven Grant,” Bucky says, tone somewhere between amusement and admonishment. “Way to spring that on a guy.”

Re-read

I [Heart] You by writeonclara (Canon, magic curse | 1K | General): “Steve’s been hit with a curse,” Natasha said. She said it calmly, so Bucky didn’t immediately go flying out of the apartment to tear apart the Tower in search of Steve. Then again, Natasha would probably be calm if New York City spontaneously burst into flames. He lowered the coffee pot and squinted at her. “Of course he has,” he said. He felt, abruptly, exhausted. “What is it?” “The witch kept ranting about sexual repression and archaic moral principles,” she continued blithely.

[egcdeath]

opposites attract

pairing: steve rogers x villain!reader

summary: based off of the lyrics:

“you and i are two oceans apart

we're on earth to break each others hearts

in two, and it's hard

with you, when i'm too far

from you, i look at the stars,

do you?”

from ‘ferrari’ by the neighbourhood

warnings: injuries, sparring, mention of blood and bruises, angst, fluff, and banter

word count: 3.7k

a/n: i am a simple woman. i think of a hurt/comfort concept and am morally obligated to write it. (this is a repost from the other day so if you saw it before, no you didn’t)

if you’d like to be added to my taglist, click here! as always, comments and reblogs are always appreciated <3

Thick, cushioned, cream colored walls. You supposed this was an upgrade from your last room, with its harsh and reflective steel. Every time you made an appearance here, it seemed there was a new, yet futile, attempt to keep you contained.

As you studied the pillowy surface, you drummed your fingers on the wooden table that your hands were currently strapped down to, and secretly hoped for your captor to rear his head, even if he was peeking through the double-sided mirror to your left.

Your mind proved itself to be a powerful thing, as the door ahead of you opened, and none other than Captain America stepped in, looking valiant and proud as ever.

“Good afternoon, Captain,” you greeted.

“Flux,” he said in a matter of faculty tone, nodding his head at you before pulling the chair in front of you aside and sitting down.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” you asked, as if you hadn’t been tussling with him in the streets less than an hour ago.

“Y’know, just our biweekly catch up,” he shrugged, playing along.

“Can I suggest coffee for our next meeting?”

Steve scoffed, but you almost swore that if you squinted, you could see him blush. “Enough of that,”  he mumbled before opening a yellow folder and turning it to face you. “You ready to tell me about him?” Steve asked, pointing to a printed photo of Brock Rumlow.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Captain,” you responded, looking up and batting your lashes at the man. This routine was like clockwork for you two. Fight a little, get yourself caught after a moment of weakness, and end up in an interrogation room.

“Don’t play dumb with me Flux,” he warned in a snarl, wrapping his fingers against your wrist and making you yelp. That was definitely going to leave a mark.

“Ouch, Captain. You’re being rough today, even for you.”

“I’m always rough with you,” he insisted, raising a brow as he loosened his hold on you.

“You’re being rougher than usual, that’s what I just said,” you furrowed your own brows at him. “Something on your mind?

“You’re stalling,” Steve stated while squinting at you.

“I would never do something like that, Cap,” you closed your eyes and visualized the outside of the building. “Does it have anything to do with those accords?”

You opened an eye quick enough to catch a glimpse of his jaw ticking, “I didn’t mean to strike a chord. Oh my gosh, ‘a chord’, accord. I really didn’t even mean to do that.”

You opened your other eye to get a clear view of him glaring at you. “Okay, sorry, I’ll be out of your hair in a moment,” you gave Steve a sly wink.

He stood up from the chair in a dramatic fashion, leaning down to get right in your face. “No. You won’t. Tell me everything you know about Rumlow.”

“Cap,” you pouted mockingly. “You’re not very good at this. Really makes a gal wonder why they keep sending you in to interrogate me, when you don’t seem to get much out of me.”

He grit his teeth while looking down at you, your eye contact both intense and passionate.

“If it makes you feel any better,” you began, looking away at a plain wall in an attempt to focus a bit more on leaving, “I genuinely know nothing about him.”

Steve gave you a humorless look, and your eyes naturally flitted back to him, “really,” he said drily.

“Really,” you confirmed. “We don’t really work in that whole chemical warfare field. Especially with a guy like Rumlow? He’s bad news. Did you really think that all ‘villains’,” you made air quotations on the table. “Know the intimate details of each other’s lives and plans?”

“Hmm,” Steve hummed aloud as he moved back, seemingly convinced.

“I was serious when I said that I’m leaving, though. You and I both have better things to do. But please tell Wanda that she did a good job for me, okay? I mean, civilian deaths are never pretty, but I genuinely would miss having you around.”

“I hate how you talk so much, but literally say nothing,” he huffed.

“I’m not gonna take that personal, ‘cause I know you don’t really mean that,” you sighed softly and looked away to visualize the outside of the building. “Hopefully the next time I see you won’t be UN sanctioned. Farewell, Captain.”

With those words, you were gone.

——

For the next few days of your life, you hadn’t stopped receiving an earful at the Brooklyn base. Mainly from your teammates, who seemed to never let things go, and were the nastiest gossips you’d ever met. Currently, rumor had it that Cecelia, your boss, was preparing to have a strong word with you.

You cracked your knuckles anxiously as you followed a teammate, Amelia, down into the sparring facility, as an attempt to calm your mind before whatever bad news was broken to you.

You passively listened to the TV in the corner of the room while wrapping your knuckles in preparation of getting your ass beat, and listened to the rapid fire reports from hours earlier in the day, but mainly tuned into the fight between the Avengers at the Leipzig airport.

“Have you heard?” Amelia questioned, tying up her lengthy hair as she sauntered onto the mat.

“No, tell me more,” you followed suit on the mat, rising onto the ball of your foot to the heel of your foot in an alternating rhythmic bounce.

“I guess some of it is that UN thing, but it’s probably because of the Winter Soldier,” Amelia bounced similarly to you before charging forward and throwing a left hook at you.

“No way! I thought that guy just disappeared after that S.H.I.E.L.D shit,” you dodged the swing, and went to knee her. “I swear, I asked Steve about it once.”

Amelia rolled her eyes at you, and caught your knee, pushing you down to the ground in the process. “You’re obsessed with him.”

“I think it’s mutual. And you said you’d go easy on me,” you whined, grabbing her extended hand and pulling yourself back up.

“You’re delusional, and that’s why Cec is pissed with you. In fact, Cecelia was so mad, that she couldn’t even form the words to tell you. At least, that’s what she told Naomi.”

“Why, though? It’s not like I haven’t been caught by him a million times already.”

“That’s the problem, though. What happens when they decide to send someone else in to talk to you? And they start waterboarding you, or some shit? All the sudden the Avengers know everything about us?”

“Well that wouldn’t happen, because I would leave,” you shrugged after blocking a few punches.

“I hope you’re getting all your aloof-ness out now, because Cecelia is not gonna put up with this attitude.”

You huffed, and marched over to get a sip of water, dramatically squirting it in your mouth before heading back to the sparring mat.

“Just let me enjoy this while I can, okay? I know how to protect myself,” you swung your fist in an uppercut, and Amelia maneuvered herself out of the way.

“Well, I was just reading something before this. Apparently your boy is a fugitive of the law now. It almost looks like your time is already up,” Amelia commented, delivering a stiff jab to you at the same time that you crouched.

Hearing this news, you froze up, and the punch landed right on your nose, an unsatisfying crack reverberating in your ears.

“Y/N, you alright?” She asked, approaching you as you reached a hand up assess the damage, and pulled away an extremely bloody hand.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” you mumbled letting her lead you off of the mats and to the connected bathroom, so you could get a better look at yourself.

You were dizzy with pain, and you pressed your hand to your nose, willing it to heal. Though not your most frequently used ability, it certainly assisted some of the pain. You squeezed your face in a cringe as your bone rearranged itself.

“Is he in jail?” you asked, watching her face screw up in the mirror.

“You’re not really- you are a lost cause,” Amelia scoffed.

“You could be a little nicer to the person whose nose you just broke.”

“You’re fixing your own nose! You’re fine, okay?” she exasperatedly brought her palm up to her forehead. “I’m gonna go take a shower. Be ready to talk to Cecelia as soon as you leave this room. A word of advice? Don’t mention your work husband unless she mentions it first, okay?”

Amelia set a hand on your back and pat it, “good luck with her. If you need a sofa to crash on after this, my place is always free.”

You shook your head at yourself as she left, your own personal healing already fixing most of the damage. As you hopped into your own shower stall, you couldn’t help but question just how bad this confrontation was truly going to be.

——

You walked into Cecelia’s office after receiving a text message from her assistant, inviting you to meet with her.

You were handed a disposable cup filled with piping hot coffee as you entered, and Cecelia beckoned you to sit down in front of her. You obliged, nervously rubbing your hands on your pants as you sat.

“Y/N,” she began in a sigh, “what has gotten into you lately?”

“Nothing, just-“ the older woman put an open hand out, prompting you to stop.

“No, Y/N. You’ve let Rogers become your biggest blind spot. You let him catch you off guard and capture you nearly every single time you go out on the field! I’m starting to think that you want him to catch you.”

“What if I do?” you shrugged, feigning indifference.

“It’s not a ‘what if’ anymore, dear,” Cecelia took a deep breath. “Especially after what happened in San Francisco.”

“I- Cec, you told me that you wouldn’t bring up California anymore!” you huffed and shook your head. “It’s not even like it’s a problem. They haven’t once received intel from me,” you added.

“Something tells me that you won’t be having the same interrogator for a while at least. We were gonna take you out of the field before this whole Avengers fiasco, but I think it’s time for you to just take a break as a whole.”

“So you’re firing me?” you huffed, “great.”

“No, you are taking a break. We can get you set up in the Prague safe house, and everything.”

You weakly threw up your hands and looked away from Cecelia, not even being able to bear looking at her for the moment. What a great day you were having.

——

You sulked the whole way up to your apartment, and reached in your jacket’s pocket with sluggish speed. It was as if you couldn’t catch a break today, which was all you seemed to be able to think about while grabbing your key.

You looked up at the door, and noticed something slightly off. The door was just the slightest bit ajar, as if it was deliberately cracked for you to see. Someone was inside. Waiting for you. You held in your groan as you came to this conclusion.

You really couldn’t catch a break.

Despite your better judgement, you devised a quick plan in your mind. You could probably protect yourself, right? You closed your eyes in a blink, and imagined your kitchen. The plasticky tiles on the floor, the dent in your countertop from dropping a mug, the wooden cupboards that you’d quickly fallen in love with. The next moment, you were standing in your kitchen, right next to your silverware.

As quiet as you could possibly manage to be, you slipped your sharpest and largest knife from its home in a wooden block, and defensively in front of you. Creeping out of the kitchen and into your hallway, you examined area by area for any sign of intrusion, pointing your knife with every turn.

After finding nothing and no one, at the end of the hallway you turned, walking back down and stopping in front of your living room after noticing a few dark stains on your carpet.

You took a deep breath before walking into the open space, the pit in your stomach growing at the thought of what it was that you were about to find.

With a few timid steps, you found a shirtless Steve Rogers, sat on your couch, head lolled back, eyes squeezed shut in pain as he released shallow breaths and attempted to apply pressure to a wound. With one look at him, you yelped and involuntarily found yourself back in the hallway outside of the room, your fear strong enough to force you into teleportation.

“Funny seeing you here,” Steve began, and you stalked back into the room, your steps slightly less fearful as you stepped over his discarded tactical gear.

“Steve?” You whispered, setting the knife on a random bookshelf before kneeling down on the floor next to him. You had a plethora of questions, but you couldn’t decide what was the most important. “I- Are… What happened?”

He shrugged weakly.

“Okay, well how badly are you hurt?” You questioned apprehensively.

“Pretty badly,” he responded.

You nodded slowly while you attempted to process the entire situation. You couldn’t tell if this was a scene from your wettest dream, or worst nightmare. “I’ll be right back,” you muttered, leaving the room to grab some water to help you speed up your healing process.

As you reentered your living room, you set down the bowl of water and squatted down next to Steve once again. Dipping your hands in the liquid, and placing them on an open head wound, you found it appropriate to question him.

“Steve,” you began, watching the forehead laceration quickly shrink into a small scar. “Why are you here?”

“I had nowhere else to go,” he put plainly.

“A hospital, maybe?” you added, pushing away the hand that was currently holding down a rather bloody wound on his upper arm, and exchanging it for your own.

“Something tells me that a hospital isn’t the best place for a guy of my legal status to be at right now,” he countered while you halted your attempt to reduce the size of the wound, cracking your stiff knuckles in preparation for the final push of closing the abrasion. “Besides, this isn’t the first time we’ve done something like this before. You remember S-“

“San Francisco. Right,” you cut Steve off, and brushed off the previous comment. “This is gonna hurt a little,” you warned. before setting your fingers down, and putting an obscene amount of pressure on the bicep wound.

Steve grit his teeth so hard that you swore you could hear it. His muscles clenched as you resumed your attempt to soothe the sore.

“Hey, look at me,” you used your free hand, and gently pushed his cheek so that he was looking at you. “If I distract you, it’ll hurt a lot less. Trust me.”

He seemed to agree with you, and took in a deep breath while the corner of his eye twitched.

“How did you even find my apartment?” you asked, using your pinky to tilt his chin up, and force his view away from the cut.

“It wasn’t that hard, I mean, we’ve been tracking you and that ‘financial firm’ you work in for years,” he spoke through clenched teeth.

“You sure it’s not because you like to keep a personal tab on me?”

“No! Why would I…?”

“Because if all the Avengers knew where me and my teammates reside, we’d all be locked up already.”

“Fine, maybe I pulled a few strings. It’s just because I think you’re the biggest threat to the general public.”

“Really? The woman with the least destructive powers of all of us, not the one with super strength? Or the one who could manipulate elements? Or even, I don’t know, the person leading us?” you chuckled a bit at the poor excuse.

Steve rolled his eyes fondly, but you could clearly see the soft flush on his face.

“It’s okay, Steve. We all have our favorite coworkers.”

“We aren’t coworkers, though.”

“It seems like you’re gonna need all the allies that you can come across. Don’t get picky with me now,” you tutted, finalizing your work on his peck, and leaving behind a small, pink scar.

You let out a breath of exhaustion as you pulled your hand away, and pointlessly shook out your wrists.

“You alright?” Steve questioned, adjusting himself a bit on the sofa and grunting at the rather simple task.

“Fine. What else needs attention?”

He gestured to the light bruising on his ribs that only seemed to be getting darker by the moment.

“We should take a break first, though. You seem tired.”

“I told you that I’m perfectly fine,” you countered, setting one hand on your chest, and pointing a lazy finger at Steve, “you’re the one that needs a break.”

Steve grabbed your finger and gently pushed it down, “I don’t really, but maybe we should take a break.” He gave you a kind smile, and your heart fluttered. Even bartered and bloody, Steve managed to make you feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.

“Well, any great Captain America plans to get yourself out of this mess?” you leaned against the sofa, and twisted your torso slightly so that you could get a good look at your visitor.

“Nope, not yet,” Steve pursed his lips slightly. “Any input from the lady who seems to get out of every rock and hard place she finds herself in?”

You snickered, and shook your head at this, “not at the moment. But you have me on speed dial, right? I can get back to you when I think of something,” you joked with a wink.

“I would laugh, but I’m honestly a little nervous that my lung might pop if I do.”

“Oh fuck, Steve,” you scooted away from him so you could be closer to the bowl of water once again. “Why did we take a break? You need urgent medical attention.”

“You needed a moment.”

You shook your head and frowned, catching the inside of your bottom lip between your teeth, “don’t do that again.”

You dunked both of your hands in the water, then turned back around and set your damp hands on the bruising on Steve’s ribs, closing your eyes in concentration as you addressed the damage.

Steve howled out in pain, making you flinch as a result. With the hand doing less work, you blindly pat around in a search for something to shove into his mouth and dampen the noises he was currently making. Eventually settling on a blanket, you shoved the fabric deep into his mouth.

“Sorry,” you uttered while the muted noise of his pain rang through your ears, “neighbors.”

The task wasn’t the easiest for you either, healing what seemed like such a large break or fracture following several other injuries was depleting your energy quickly. Your arms and hands trembled as you began to watch the splotchy yellow mark begin to blend into the rest of Steve’s skin, and you were becoming more and more light headed by the second.

Feeling somewhat satisfied with your work, you pulled your shaky hands away, and leaned away from Steve’s body before losing your balance, and falling back onto your plush floor.

Steve yanked the blanket from his mouth, sticking out his tongue for a second as he attempted to pull a spare string from his mouth. He sat up rapidly, and looked down at you with raised brows, and big, frightened eyes.

“Y/N?” he asked breathily, still exhausted from his own exertion, “you still with me?”

Your chest rose and fell slowly, and you were silent for a moment before responding, “I just need a minute.”

Steve relaxed back into the sofa with the knowledge that you were at least still conscious, and waited a few beats before he spoke again, “thanks,” was all that he managed to utter.

The two of you sat there in an extremely loud silence, the only other noise being your nearly synchronized panting.

“I’m gonna go shower,” you announced after what felt like hours on your floor. You slowly rose, and dragged yourself to the bathroom in your bedroom. Hitting the shower valve, then sitting atop your countertop you let the suite fill with steam, reflecting on your bizarre day, but most of all, your interaction with Steve.

You let yourself dwell on this while you stood in the shower, forehead pressed against the warm tile as you considered the implications of every word shared between the two of you, and how you’d let this tiny crush get so far ahead of you. Maybe it really was a good idea to take some time away from New York. You were so deep in your own thoughts that you failed to catch onto the sound of the floorboard that loudly creaked in your living room, or the soft click of your front door opening and closing.

Changing into some more comfortable clothing, you exited the bathroom, and ultimately your own room ready to offer up your shower to Steve, and possibly even talk about your feelings in a serious manner with him. Yet, by the time you arrived at the couch that had held him just a half hour ago, it was vacant. In fact, your whole apartment was vacant. You’d checked three whole times.

Ending your fruitless search on your balcony, you settled down into the single plastic beach chair that you kept outdoors, and draped the blanket from your sofa that had previously been in Steve’s mouth around your shoulders. The chill of the night air contributed to the sting of your eyes when they welled up, and you told yourself that it was silly to ever think that this, you and him, could ever happen in the first place.

Gazing up at the stars, you cursed yourself for being so naive. For letting yourself fall so fast, and so hard for someone you knew so out of reach. The stars seemed to mock you, in all of their billions of years of knowledge.

Yet, part of you was comforted by the knowledge that Steve could be viewing the same constellations as you.

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a/n: listen. i feel like these idiots have a lot of potential so if you want me to write any more of them i am totally down!