#just put something in the bin which i’ve only been using 2 days and i can still smell it from the other side of the room 5 minutes later

[selfconsumerofmywoes]

i got my period and now the whole world smells sooo fucking bad

[hannahssimblr]

Chapter Six (Part 2)

Later on, I arrive home to a house that smells like butter and sugar. My dad mutters a gruff “howya” through the ajar living room door as I hang up my coat and bag on the stairs. He’s watching snooker. I pause at the door. “How’s it going?”

“Grand yeah. Good match?”

I shrug. “It was alright. Not sure I’m converted into a football lover yet.”

“Tullamore win?”

“Yep.”

“Good stuff.” 

I go through to the kitchen where my mam is cleaning, as usual, and even though it’s turned cold while autumn has blown in, she’s in a sweat, wiping her brow with her sleeve as she works the mop into the floor with a vigour. 

“Hi.” I say. “Were you baking?”

“I was. A bit of tea brack.”

“Aw, yuck.”

“Yuck yourself. It’s always the sweeties with you, chocolate this, jellies that, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of good old fashioned brack.”

“Well I don’t like sultanas. Still.” I remind her. “Do you have anything for me?”

She stops cleaning and rests her elbow on the end of the mop. “What kind of ‘thing’?”

“I dunno, something quick, I just want to grab something before I get the bus back.”

She makes an outraged sound, shaking her head as she swipes the mop across the floorboards. “Sure you’re only just home and you’re gone again!”

“Yeah I know, there’s just not much to do here, I was going to go back and sort myself out for work on Monday, like, I dunno, maybe go to the stationary shop and get new pens.”

“New pens.” She repeats, like the thought of me wanting to get them is completely ridiculous. “If you want something to do I’ll find something for you to do.”

“Well, I don’t particularly-” I begin, but she’s already had an idea, so protest is futile. 

“You’ll clean your room.” She announces, and I groan. “Mam, no, I don’t have the energy for that.”

“It’s a tip! I’m sick of going up there and having to look at the mess on the floor, you’d think that you being long moved out would mean the place’d be spotless, but no-”

“Just shut the door then and you won’t have to look.” 

“-it’s still a state, every day. The amount of stuff you have in there that’s old and doesn’t fit you, or is no use to you whatsoever. The last time I was in there I saw the shoes I got you when you were going into your junior cert year, they’ve the soles hanging off them and all. What use are five year old shoes to you now?”

I roll my eyes. “Mam…” she props the mop against the counter and starts rifling through the bottom drawer in the kitchen. She seizes a roll of bin bags and tosses them at me. I miss, and they unroll ridiculously across the tiles. As I’m bending down to pick up and re-roll it she announces. “You’re going to go up there now and get rid of everything that you don’t want anymore. Put your clothes in a bag for the charity shop. And then you’re going to dust and hoover every inch of it, and it’s going to be sparkling clean when you’re done.”

“Yeah. Alright. Fine.”

“Good woman.” She says, wielding the mop once again. “I’ll bring you up a sandwich in a while. Off you go.” 

I’d never admit it to her, but my mother is right about my room. It’s bad. It’s always been bad, and while I’ve never explicitly cared that much about how bad it is, I can’t truthfully deny that it’s unacceptable. I don’t even know where to begin. I know that under the bed is crammed with stuff, old school books, birthday cards I can never bring myself to throw away, photographs, art supplies, sketchbooks. 

The wardrobes are bursting with clothes, none of which I wear, seeing as my entire adult wardrobe lives with me in Dublin. The drawer where I pulled the Tullamore jersey from earlier has collapsed off its roller slides and lies crookedly, half of it on the floor with piles of t-shirts and mismatched pyjamas spilling out of it. A cheaply constructed wall shelf my dad put up when I was ten is bowed in the middle from the weight of the old teen magazines I used to collect and props up the broken CD player I got from uncle Sean on my first holy communion. Looking at all of it makes heat rise to my neck and my chest heave slightly in panic. I don’t even know where to begin. 

I leave the bin bags on the floor and drop to my knees amongst piles of clothes and shoes, bits of useless papers and old bags. The breath that exits me is shuddering. What’s wrong with me? Why do I let things get like this? I pick up the first thing that my hand touches; A knee length white sock that was part of my school uniform. I haven’t worn these socks in over two years. I don’t even have faith that I’ll locate the other one, and I don’t care enough about it to try. This is the first thing that goes into a bin bag. 

After this it gets increasingly easier. Gone are the mickey mouse pyjama bottoms with an unravelling seam, the stack of coloured paper, scribbled with sketches I never liked, the lid of a vanilla body spray that I used up years ago, expired mascara, a tea stained leather coaster, broken earphones, the padlock from my old locker without its corresponding key. Before too long I have cleared the floor, exposing the carpet to the light for the first time in years, probably. I’d half forgotten what colour it was. I tackle the wardrobe next. 

There’s not much that interests me in it, out of style clothes, clothes that were potentially never in style in the first place. A heaping mass of hoodies, leggings, jersey shorts with drawstring waists and t-shirts, the clothes of a girl who desired only to blend in, dreading terribly the day that somebody might comment on her outfit. All of it goes into the charity shop bag. I am ruthless. Not a single item is spared. 

Once the clothes have been cleared, I turn my attention to the suitcase and the gear bags piled at the bottom. I recall that the suitcase is broken, those wheels got me nowhere on our school tour to Paris in fourth year, and I remember how a rock from the pavement got trapped in the wheel, preventing it from spinning, but instead of fixing it and holding up the tour, I decided just to drag the bag behind me, the bottom corner of it scraping horrendously against the paths until the wheel was worn completely flat on one side. I have few good memories from that tour anyway, as for most of it Kelly was in a strop over something that happened on the ferry, and went off with girls from her new maths class instead, leaving me alone to forge an emergency friendship with a group of Polish girls who refused to speak English to me even though they were fluent. I toss the suitcase into the discard pile by the door, then grab a gear bag.

There are things still inside one of them. I’m surprised to find it heavy, so I curiously lay it at my knees and undo the zip. More clothes. Yellow swimming togs. A few pairs of ankle socks, a denim skirt. I chuckle to myself as I uncover a pair of knickers. I remember these, mint green with a decal of Ariel from The Little Mermaid on them, the most embarrassing pair of underwear I ever had, and kept until I was far too old for them. I put them straight into the bin.

The bottom of the bag is grainy with sand, and when my fingers brush over it I’m transported back to the sunshine and the smell of salty air. This is the bag I brought to the mobile home that summer three years ago. I don’t realise I’m holding my breath as I look through it until my chest starts to hurt and I force it out of me. Memories from those scorching months spring up with every old piece of clothing I draw out of it. It’s so vivid that I can practically feel the sunshine on my face. It’s like a time capsule. I’m surprised I never unpacked this bag. Was it too painful to? Was I too distracted?  

At the end is a rolled up t-shirt, soft, grey, worn. I unroll it and hold it out, letting it drape over my thighs. It isn’t mine. The label reads a mens large, and I take a sharp inhale when I realise what it is. Hadn’t I ever given this back to him? I was always sure that I had. I lay it onto the carpet in front of me and snap a picture of it on my phone. 

Opening up my messenger I attach the photo, typing a quick message. 

By any chance is this your T-Shirt?

Jude is typing…

Hole in the armpit?

I check. 

Yes. 

I was wondering what happened to that. I assumed my mom had tossed it out after doing laundry. 

Well apparently I’ve had it for 3 years. Sorry! Hope it’s not your favourite.

Omfg definitely not.

Does this mean you still have my bikini?

Your bikini?

From when we went swimming. You said you’d wash my bikini and t-shirt. It was orange with a tie in the front.

Oh. THAT bikini. I’m wearing it right now, sorry, I thought it was mine. 

I’m taking that as a no.

No, I don’t have it. Are you sure I never gave your stuff back?

Pretty sure. 

It might be at the beach house? I’ll probably go back again next summer, so I’ll look for it. 

Oh! No don’t worry, it isn’t important, I just thought it was funny. If you want this T-shirt back you can have it.

Will you personally deliver it to Berlin? 

Hardly.

Come over though. 

You want a t-shirt with a hole in it that badly?

Come with or without the t-shirt. 

My stomach does a flip. 

Is that an official invitation?

A full minute passes before he texts back, and I stare at the screen the whole time. The little typing dots appear and then disappear. 

February?

Wow, that’s far in advance. It’s October.

Yeah but there’ll be a huge birthday party for someone, it’ll be fun if you’re there. 

One of your extravagant dress up parties?

Haha. Yeah. At my friend’s. He lives in a nice apartment. Plus, flights are cheap in February.

Cheap flights? I’m sold. 

Nice. 

It feels like the conversation has come to its natural conclusion, and yet I find myself wanting more. 

How’s Berlin right now? 

Alright. 

Nothing weird or wonderful?

Nah. 

Ah, great. Good talk.

Ha. How’s Dublin?

The same.

Nice. 

Yeah, nice.

Another minute passes. I leave my phone down and go about clearing out the rest of the gear bag, more old socks, a mostly empty bottle of suncream, cheap flip flops, a coin purse with two cent in it. The phone buzzes again and I reach for it. 

Hey, could you do me a favour?

I frown. 

Yeah…? 

Will you ask Michelle for her number for me?

Your ex?

Yeah, she got a new phone ages ago and I don’t have her number anymore. I know she’s going out with that guy you work with, so if it’s no hassle would you mind? 

Yeah okay. I just don’t know her that well. 

You can tell her that I’m the one asking. She’ll know what it’s about, but if you don’t want to, I completely get it. I can find another way to get it. 

I think I’m seeing her next week, actually. We’re going to the same party, so. 

Ah, Shane’s Halloween thing?

That’s the one.

I’m sorry if it’s weird to ask.

It’s not really, it’s fine. I’ll ask her for you.

I almost type “Jen doesn’t have it?” Before quickly curling my fingers into a fist. There’s so many things I want to know but I can’t ask him anything. Even if I did, I know that he wouldn’t tell me. It’s infuriatingly secretive, like the polar opposite of Jen, who tells everyone everything.  

I really appreciate it, Evie. It’s not urgent or anything, it’d just be good to have her details. 

Do you want me to give her yours?

Yeah, that makes sense. 

Alright. 

Thanks. 

I toss my phone onto my bed and head towards the chest of drawers, preparing myself for the ancient horrors that await me there, and it’s bad, like I expected and yet I don’t really mind it anymore. It’s a bit cathartic, honestly, to dump all of this old stuff. It’s like I’m clearing space inside myself too, emptying psychic drawers to make space for something new. It’s two hours before I’m finished, and as I lie exhausted on my bed afterwards, I reach for my phone to discover one last unread message. 

You’ll have to swear you’ll visit me in Berlin, btw. I meant it when I invited you.

I grin. 

Yes, of course. We’ll make it happen. 

Nice.

Nice.

x

Beginning // Prev // Next

[icecoffee90]

Tag game - Get to Know You

Thank you for tagging me, @jerzwriter!

Alright, here I go with TMI about me nobody asked for! Sorry in advance! lol

Are you named after someone?

Not that I know of. Apparently my grandma wanted my parents to name me after her (Růžena), but thankfully they didn’t listen, lol. Not that it’s a bad name!

When was the last time you cried?

I don’t even remember. I almost never cry.. Usually only cry when I’m watching something (or listening to a song) where a beloved character or an animal dies.. Though I guess every few years the bottled up emotions overflow and anything can trigger the waterworks.. But I’m pretty sure the last time I cried was because of a TV show, but I really don’t remember which one it was and when (especially since I didn’t have much time to watch anything lately, lol)

Do you have kids?

No. I’m a two time aunt, that’s more than enough, lol.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Probably too much sometimes, lol

What colour are your eyes?

I always said Blue and green, but I think they’re mainly gray.

Scary Movies or happy endings?

I rarely watch scary movies (as in slashers)... I mean, if they’re on TV, I leave them on as a background noise.. But if we count movies like Sleepy Hollow, Interview with the Vampire etc as scary movies, then I would probably pick those.. But I prefer a happy ending in everything I watch!

Any special talents?

None that I know of. Other than maybe annoying people around me, lol.

Where were you born?

In a hospital in the town nearest to my hometown. Funny story about that (at least it’s funny to me, lol): The town I live in doesn’t have a hospital, so everyone from here was born in that nearest hospital, so I never thought ynthing of it.. Only to find out YEARS later that my parents only moved here when I was 6 months old! That my mom just happened to be in this town at her mother-in-law’s at that moment!

What are your hobbies?

Reading, watching TV shows and sports (tennis, snooker, ice hockey), foreign languages..

Do you have any pets?

I have a dog. But he lives at my mom’s so I don’t get to see him as often anymore..

What sports do you/have you played?

Edit: I left Elsa's anwer here by mistake! Sorry! 🤦‍♀️😅 So here's my answer..

I used to play tennis as a kid (because my sister attented a lesson, so I wanted to do it too), according to my mother I sucked.. But in my mother's eyes I suck at everything, so who knows, lol.

How tall are you?

I’m tiny. 157, 5 cm.. I’m not googling in the feet and inches again.. it was under 5 ft 2 in, i believe, lol

Favorite subject in school?

I always liked Czech (just the grammar though) and chemistry later on. Also back in 2007 when I was 16 and obsessed with German bands (yeah, yeah, yeah, mainly Tokio Hotel, I admit it! lol. But also Nevada Tan/Panik!, Cinema Bizzare and Killerpilze), I put extra effort into the German classes, lol. BECAUSE I saw a Tokio Hotel interview (or maybe it was just the twins? doesn’t matter, lol) and I was just thinking “Man, I’ve been learning German since the 3rd grade and I barely understand 3 sentences.. This is fucking embarrassing! I need to do something about that!” and (mainly thanks to German fanfic writers, lol) I was speaking fluently in no time! I really need to brush up on it agin, hopefully it’s still in there somewhere..

Great, now I’ve listened to “Ich bin nicht ich” at least 30 times over the past two days.. And 20 times to “Totgeliebt”.. HELP ME!!

Still love it, though.. And I must still have that DVD (and CD) somewhere, lmfao..

undefined

And since I’m off the topic anyway (I’M SORRY, but I did warn you, lol), can I just say that I still find it funny that my teen crush is now married to Heidi Klum? Who would have thought almost 16 years ago, lol? Shit, where did all that time go? 😭

Dream job?

Hmm, if I had unlimited supply of money amd could have done anything I wamted to, I would wanna try translating - combing reading and use of foreign languages.. I think that would be great!

Alright, that was fun! Sorry everyone who read my dumb answers, lol

Who else might wanna do this? I’m gonna tag @she-x-wolf​ (feel free to ignore, of course!)

[dontjudgemeimawriter]

Ten Random Lines Tag

Tagged by @ceph-the-ghost-writer ty!

Rules: Pick any ten of your fics/writing projects, scroll to the midpoint, pick a line (or three) and share it. Then tag people (ten if you want to follow the theme).

Tagging: @theramwrites @puzzleddragon02 @saltysupercomputer @aether-wasteland-s @lexiklecksi and anyone else who wants to!

Okay I really only have 2 main WIPs but sure we can see snippets of some tiny things......

Second Chance I don’t even have to explain to Hayln why I am actually still alive, because it’s a null day (that really is a good name for it. On the Base we call it pre-day and post-day, in reference to when the reversal occurs). Except here’s the funny thing: Turns out, since I didn’t exist, the most natural thing to occur is for me to simply not exist for about 16 hours. When I explain to the Spirit that No, I am NOT okay with that, it says that if I really want to, we can resist that natural couse of events.

Syndicate He flashed a smile. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he said and came over, picking up mugs from the desk that I hadn’t noticed and bringing them over. He handed me one. “Got you coffee.” A string and tag on the side of his mug showed he was having tea. 

Drake Knight I look to the sky, pausing three-quarters down the alley to catch a breath and attempt to wipe some of the coffee off the front of my shirt. It’s empty for a bit, just a gray sky, but then a shadow passes over us and I see it clearly for the first time. Nothing special, the dark gray scales indicate it’s probably from the mountains. But it’s smaller than I expected. Most dragons you fight are adults, but this one isn’t much larger than an elephant. I think it is anyway, hard to tell from the flyby.

Angie & Eddie So Angie stood up and made her way to Target. Passed the cart return, the shampoo bottles, the spa day bins with images of thin women relaxing. She went down the band-aid aisle, the cold medicine aisle, the muscle relaxants. She paused, facing a wall full of pads. She’d been in a slight daze, half convincing herself this wasn’t real, but not she had to focus because where the fuck were they? God, she wasn’t going to have to ask someone, was she?

Creative Nonfiction Portfolio In my dorm, the top left dryer doesn’t work. I’ve put wet laundry inside and returned to find wet laundry. After that, I avoided that dryer for weeks, until it was the only one available so I let it run through, figuring if it didn’t work there would be an open dryer by then. Lo and behold, my laundry remained wet. Have I reported it to the conveniently posted number hanging on the laundry room wall? Nope. Everyone seems aware it’s broken, someone must’ve reported it. And ultimately, we’ll live. But, that’s just a dryer. No one’s in any danger.

Immortal Souls The rain picked up. Back home, inside, I loved rain, but now I hated it. I pulled my hood up to cover my head and swung my backpack over my shoulder, moving off the bench and under an awning of a corner store. It was the kind of building that looked like it had been passed down between different owners, none of which bothered to change the old sign. An ancient hand-painted sign that said “Collier’s” was faded and mounted above a newer, stenciled sign that said “Watkin’s Market.” A glance around told me that Watkin’s was the name of the street, so, definitely not the most creative. It was advertising cheap cell phones and beer, so not much of a market either.

The Snow Queen Retelling "What’you suppose they are, demons or something? Goblins? Nothing like the ones at the church. That one looks like he can fly.” He stared at it, getting lost in the red of the glass, a color that stood out in the colorless castle. He hadn’t noticed it before. Or, he remembered, he’d thought it was stupid, that the colors gave him a headache. He’d never stopped to take them in, to look at how pretty the colors were when light shone through them.

Faye & Myra-- Summer Hangout I felt like crying, but that would be way worse right now and I couldn’t face it. I took a deep breath and pushed it away. I grabbed the few tintypes I’d taken out of the box, brought the box back, and purchased them. I went over to Olivia.

Layla In an instant, the numb feeling of being disconnected vanished, and panic rushed through me. Twitches underneath my eyes warned me that tears were coming, and then they did, filling my eyes and blurring the message. My mouth quivered, my breathing was speeding up. What was he doing? Couldn’t this be over? Hadn’t he gotten what he wanted?

Lialyn Lialyn was a kingdom of Mages. Every part of their lives had been shaped around the fact that everyone, from the rich to poor, learned magic. As the prince, he and his sister were expected to master as soon as possible. They were supposed to be superior in magic the way other countries had their royalty superior in swordfighting. Which meant that Sam had failed his family from the start.

[ignitesthestxrs]

hi! absolutely no pressure to answer if you don’t feel like it, but I’m just starting on adhd meds and trying to track the changes and trying to figure out if these particular meds are working well for me etc. so I’ve been asking around for other people’s experiences, and I was curious how long it took until you noticed a marked difference? again no worries if you don’t feel like responding! anyway I also just wanted to say that your posts about seeking a diagnosis and getting on medication were among one of the first factors that finally convinced me to try to do it too. so thank you 💜💜

<3 <3 i'm really glad you were about to get a diagnosis and start figuring shit out bud, that's really good! i am happy to further share my experience, do not Worry.

since my diagnosis i have been on 2 kinds of meds - my psych wanted to start me out on non-stimulants because of my anxiety diagnosis which seemed reasonable to me lol.

so i started on atomoxetine, which typically has a bit of a ramp up period (classic of most SNRIs, which can take up to 6-8 weeks to work). however, i am: extremely overreactive when taking any new substance, something that happens any time i take something that's supposed to change my behaviour in some way, and which i have absolutely no idea whether it's a physiological effect, or if i'm just really good at placeboing myself

(is it placebo if you're taking something that is actually supposed to have an effect, just not immediately??)

either way! i got a pretty immediate jump from starting the atomoxetine, which could be due to the drug, but could also be due to the boost of like, successfully Doing Something About Your Symptoms. All this to say: i would not read too much into your behaviour in the immediate wake of starting a new drug, just because it can be really hard to pick out what is the drug, and what is you feeling excited/nervous/productive because you are Finally Taking Action and Might Have A Fix For The Weird Stone You Have Realised Has Been Tied Around Your Ankle Your Whole Life

LONG TERM - my experience with atomoxetine was that it Helped. the overall behaviour effects were:

started noticing tasks that required doing more often. things that usually i wouldn't notice/care/bother with for days to weeks now started popping up in my attention bubble within hours/days instead

extremely minor things that used to feel like Too Much i started to do without second thought. one of the extreme examples of this - i used to drop things a lot? and when i dropped them, i would just kind of leave them where they fell? because the idea of having to pick up the thing and figure out what to do with it now that it was a thing that had touched the floor was overwhelming. post medication, not only was that no longer overwhelming, i didn't even think about it lol. i just fucking picked the thing up and put it where it needed to be

look i didn't become a GREAT housekeeper, but i certainly got better. this was also paired with behaviour/purchasing changes i made - i have all my clothes in clear drawers or hangers, i have the drawers positioned in the place where i have to move the least to get to them, i have configured my room in a way that makes it easier to move around, i purchased multiple bins so that i could have them in multiple locations because i realised i was more likely to use one if it was There than i was to move to the Single Bin Location. i have made a lot of these changes over the house in general, which is probably a whole separate post lol

time? changed? this one is extremely difficult to explain to neurotypicals, but was the most significant shift in being medicated for me (other than not staring at things i dropped and then just walking away lmao). but i didn't realised HOW FUCKED UP TIME WAS until it wasn't anymore. like it used to be that i would feel that i could Only Do One Task on a WHOLE WEEKEND and that could be task (housework) or task (leisure). this would be something that would take like, 1,2, maybe 3 hours and then i would be like that's IT that's the WHOLE WEEKEND i cannot do ANY OTHER THING except LIE HERE AND PLAY GAMES TO SOOTH THE BRAIN HAMSTER WHEEL. same thing with after work time. like a) work was exhausting me in general for adhd reasons lol but b) i would finish work and think 'wow i have no time to do anything now, guess i'll just die (lie here and play games)'.

reader, i finished work at 4pm and went to sleep at 11pm, i had SO MUCH TIME (sorry this is not a new point but i can't figure out how to insert a paragraph break and indent it so here we are). pre-medication, my experience of time was entirely task and boredom based. if i hated something, a minute could be an hour. it dripped. it stretched. it warped. it physically hurt. and then other times if i was involved in a task, time would zip by. where had it gone. where had i gone. being medicated took all those hills and valleys and just smoothed them out. i don't have the time agonies anymore. the last 15 minutes of the work day still drag a bit, but i don't physically want to shove my head in a bucket of water and sscream about it anymore. i can organise multiple schedules and events and tasks over a weekend or in the evening or across the week without feeling like i've used up a finite Allotment Of Tasks. like this was the real reality-changing effect for me. my whole perception of how much space my life contained for things other than 'recovering from a Task' changed dramatically. it changed my relationship with tasks, hobbies, friendships, all of it.

my emotional state flattened out a lot. this is a significant effect of the atomoxetine actually, because (spoilers) this is NOT an effect provided by rubifen (ritalin) which is what i am now on. i consider this to be a kind of 50/50 effect that upon comparison, i didn't really love. i am? kind of an emotionally...large person as a general rule, and while that comes with a lot of shitty lows and impulse control issues, it also comes with an intensity of experience that is like,,,,good. i like it. i am not talking about bipolar or other diagnosable behaviour in my particular situation and definitely would not make the comparison lol. but while i did find that being on atomoxetine probably made me more level headed and less inclined to embarrass myself, i also felt Less Like Me. like i think the year i was on this drug was a good cool down/rebuild period of my life that i probably needed after 2020/early 2021, but idk, i like the exciteable dumbass side of myself, you know? that's something i would rather temper with Mental Health Tools and idk mindfulness than with medication. this was similar to my experience with citalopram (for depression) when i was younger, actually. i just don't enjoy being Flat, i find it boring and uninteresting and i think it makes me boring and uninteresting. which again is fine for a recovery year, but not as an overall lifestyle choice

i got hella nauseous. which i something i didn't pick up on until after i stopped taking it actually, i just thought it was because i was fat and ate Bad Food, except i stopped taking it and the nausea went away. this more than anything is why i wouldn't go Back to atomoxetine - i didn't realise how fucking draining it was to feel vaguely fuckin ill all the time until i didn't feel that way anymore

SO IF ATOMOXETINE WAS SO GREAT (MOSTLY) WHY DID I CHANGE?

the initial Burst of change leveled out after a few months and as i got used to my new base level i felt...discontent? it was like i had tasted Normal for the first time, but i still had to work really hard every day to get back to that point? i had this booster on board and it was Better, but it was like i'd been given an extra 20% capacity from a starting point of 20% capacity. like sure, i was firing at 40% now, which was DOUBLE of previous and unarguably a better experience for me overall, but i couldn't help but be aware that it wasn't 100%, or even 50%, of the experience a Standard Neurotypical was pulling on the daily. basically, the drug was good, but i wanted to know if i could Have More. and also my anxiety is under control via another drug, and i felt pretty confident after a year of getting my legs back under me and rebuilding my brain that i could weather the stimulant weirdness in the name of Is There Something More? and also there were atomoxetine shortages all the fucking time that meant they were switching between brands every month or two, and i KNOW that generic and brand names are supposed to be the same, but explain that to my fucking stomach every time i had to switch back and forth. like it was just prescribed surprised misery for a few days at random depending on when the shortages happened and i didn't want it anymore

so i started rubifen, which is basically ritalin, unless you were on ritalin before the NZ govt made the change to what they were subsidising, in which case most people would argue they are not the fucking same (for whatever reason! psychosomatic side effects are still experienced as though they are Real by the patient!). rubifen is a stimulant, science name methylphenidate, and ngl a part of my impetus for going on it was that i was in the 'wow i'm dangerously fat for my health' phase of my journey and wanted to see if taking the speed-lite would help curb my appetite (kind of, but only in the sense that it helped curb my impulse control).

the difference between taking a stimulant and taking an SNRI is that the stimulant Hits U Fast. That shit gets in you and then gets out of you. I take slow-release tablets, so the effect lasts for around 8 hours (eg enough to get me through the work day), so that is the context for what i'm talking about now. so rather than a slow building consistent effect that sustains itself across days, a stimulant is applying an effect for a set period of time and then wearing off.

a lot of the effects were the same as what i listed for the atomoxetine, just better! the Time Thing really fucking improved, like....my work day is just a normal day. it doesn't feel like an ice age, and the week doesn't feel like the slow inevitable crawl towards death!

my focus really improved a lot. and when i say improved, i mean that my control over that focus improved? like i can Choose 'engage focus now' and that like, works. pre-diagnosis, i had gotten to a point where i could only work on a task at work for like, 2 minutes (literally. 2 minutes) at a time before i had to look at something else for like, 10 minutes. i came so close to losing my job lmfao. i'm much better at knuckling down and getting shit down now

my emotional regulation is not as strong as it was on the atomoxetine. as stated above, this is a mixed back. emotional disregulation is not like All Fun All The Time, but it does feel like a fundamental part of Me. do i wish that rejection didn't feel so much like getting punched in the face, and that i was less inclined to jump to start talking extremely knowledgably about something i learnt 5 minutes ago? yes very. but also, idk, all of that is survivable. i have therapy tools and shit to deal with a lot of the intense lows of that experience, and they're still not as intense as they were when i was on no medication at all.

i interrupt people less (than pre-diagnosis) but am more aware of holding myself back while on the stimulants than on the atomoxetine. the difference between interrupting, not having anything to say at all, and having something to say and getting to smugly sit there @ yourself like good job Han for not interrupting.

the effects still...build in a way, even though i can tell the difference between days i take rubifen and days i don't (i often forget or don't bother in the weekend, for tolerance reasons and lazy reasons). because being on the medication allows me to change my behaviour while i'm on it, the change in behaviour carries momentum even if i'm not taking the drug Right Now. so like, i'll still do things in the evening even if the actual physical effects of focus assistance etc have worn off by about 3-4pm, because a) i'm not fucking exhausted from fighting my brain all day and b) i have new habits that have been formed under the influence of the meds, right? and those patterns are much easier to continue following even if you don't have the medication impetus driving you, once they've been set up. like it's not just the medication that helps you, it's the architecture of your life that you are then able to construct as a result of being medicated that helps carry you through.

oh another really notable side effect of both drugs is that it used to be SO HARD to get up. S O HA RD. as in, i would lie in bed for hours arguing with myself about getting up and simply not do it. for hours. and i wouldnt do anythying else either! it was the worst kind of paralysis. i just couldn't make myself move until the overwhelming guilt of Wasting Time would finally prompt me into action. i don't do this anymore! it's fucking wonderful!

stimulants don't affect people with adhd in the same way they do neurotypicals! like neurotypicals often describe hyper-focus and getting into a Flow State, and every adhd person i've ever spoken to has been like no these are the drugs that make me feel Normal. obviously all of this is anecdote! but anecdotally, the experience tends to be less about 'i take the medication, i become Superhuman' and more about that shift that i mentioned earlier between 'i used to drop things on the ground, stare at them, and walk away' and 'when i drop things now, i pick them up without evening noticing'. the effect of medication is not like being hit over the head with a different, more capable personality, it's just that connections that are everyday, kind of thoughtless things in a neurotypical person have always been things that you have had to Consciously Put Effort Into before, and now you don't. And it's hard to notice things that you are suddenly doing unconsciously! Because you're not thinking about them, that is the point! it's a really weird experience, to be changed so thoroughly, in ways that are completely out of your control (beyond taking the meds), but largely benign.

having also been on meds for anxiety for a long time, i find the comparison between the two experiences really interesting. like for me, my anxiety meds feel like medical therapy. like they are taking care of stuff that i do think a good cognitive behavioural therapist and weekly sessions could ALSO help a lot with, but who has the money or the time in this era. anxiety for me feels like a scale, and my medication for it just sets my baseline higher on that scale than it ordinarily would be

adhd on the other hand is an on/off button. there are effects that adhd has on my life and experience that no therapy could fix more me. therapy can't fix my experience of time,,, it can't fix the three hour argument with myself on the weekend about getting up, it can't fix the like,,,mechanical, thoughtless, body-driven experience of my adhd. but medication can! being on meds changed so much about my life experience that i didn't know was possible to switch on or off, and i would not have access to those buttons without the meds.

i hope? this was useful? it was certainly long enough (per usual). if you have other questions or wanna know more about Specific Thing, u (or anyone) can always feel free to hit me up <3 wishing u the best on you ur journey with this shit anon!!

[loiswolf]

Day 16 June 12 Continental Divide - Watsons Lake 140kms

I’ve only just posted yesterdays blog. Sorry, but it looked like it posted yesterday when I tried, it’s only because a friend asked about it that I realised it was missing.

So of course yesterday two bikers turned up to use the room with the fridge. They didn’t need it so they kindly moved it into my room. Now I had a fridge and and a microwave. Perfect! We went over to the “restaurant” for dinner ( I didn’t need it I just went along for fun) but the kitchen closed at 6pm! We were able to get some freebies because a bus trip was planned for the next day. They had prepared food for 24 people but 4 had bailed. We helped them out with the extras. I didn’t mind so much about the overpriced bread and muffin I’d bought earlier then.

The bikers also offered to stop in Watsons Lake to book my motel room this morning on their way through which was nice of them.

This is the very salubrious place I stayed in last night. Haha!

The bikers did get breakfast in the restaurant this morning but I was off to an early start. After complaining about the usually tough first 40kms every day, today was easy! I had a fabulous tail wind nearly all day and after the first hill I had some great downhill runs. A lot of the time I just sat there and enjoyed the ride.

It was also very pretty

At 36kms the bikers finally passed me with lots of toots and waving.

I thought this was a nice shot looking back the way I had come.

The easy ride continued on with the occasional hill to slow me down. There was a rest stop at 55kms so I stopped for a break. These rest stops only have toilets and bins. Usually there is nowhere to sit. I found a very comfortable spot out of the wind on the concrete slab with my back to the toilet wall.

I had made excellent time but I still had a long way to go. The fast flat/downhill runs continued but gradually the big hills started to appear closer together.

At about 74kms a campervan parked on the other side of the road and a young man crossed over to look at some moose.

Matt was a lot of fun to talk to so we chatted for about 15 minutes, I took his photo

He’s pointing out the moose that are no longer there. 😁

By 110kms I was more than ready for another break and the sight of yet another long climb was just too much. I sat on a barrier for quite a while working my way through a huge muffin and enjoying the sun.

Of course there was a proper rest area just up the road ( didn’t care, no seats) but after just a few kms I came to a place where I had considered staying the night. It was called Nugget City and I had been warned by 2 lots of bikers that the people there were not nice. I decided to risk it for a cup of coffee. ( I knew their accommodation was overpriced) There was only 20kms to go and I had plenty of time.

I was deluded into thinking that it would be all downhill from there. There were a couple of good runs but there was also two more big hills.

Here’s another nice picture I took earlier today. ( it looked like there was too much writing and not enough photos)

Finally I made it into Watsons Lake and headed for the motel which had been my first choice. They had no rooms so a reservation had been made for me at another motel just up the road.

I paid and checked in but as I was walking to my room I received a text message. It was from an Airbnb I happened to find this morning. The hostess’s name was Lois! I had accidentally put in dates for tomorrow bringing up her house. I had sent a quick message asking if she might have something for tonight and the text message was to tell me she did.

I got a refund on my very expensive motel, replied to Lois, and we met at the servo. Her place is just behind the motels anyway.

Lois has helped me plan out the next 2 days, I’ve been to the shops to get some fruit, veg and dinners.

I probably will have to hitch part of tomorrow. It’s even further and hillier than today.

[to-star-lake]

in the early days when you joined bonten as their new advisor, you spent a lot of time with koko; drawing up business plans, managing the books, overseeing construction on new clubs and buildings.

koko had the nicest office of all of the bonten leaders. it was on the top floor of a highrise in the middle of the shibuya business district. complete with high-end leather and mahogany furniture, and a gorgeous city view.

you'd spent time with each of the bonten executives when you joined and koko was probably your favorite to work with. you found takeomi too serious, kakucho boorish, mochi too macho, the haitani's were exhausting, and sanzu..well..

koko was like you; blunt and efficient with work, a little impatient, maybe a little condescending. you enjoyed your daily work with him in his office. it was always quiet, productive, and his assistants always served the best sencha.

except today.

today when you walked in through the mahogany double doors that led to his office, you were almost decked in the face by a toy rubber basketball.

"he shoots! he scores? no! he misses!" you heard a voice yell, followed by a maniacal cackling.

what...the hell is this? the floor of koko's office, which was normally clean, surgically clean, was littered with teddy bears, squeak toys, board games with their pieces strewn about haphazardly, a jump rope, a putting green, and a trash bin overflowing with crumpled candy wrappers.

the rubber basketball that almost hit your head rolled towards the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on one end of the room and you saw a kiddie basketball hoop attached to one of the shelves. and below that, sanzu, flopped on his stomach on the floor, a different flavored ring pop on each of his fingers.

"koko..i'm really bad at basketball," he grumbled, picking himself up and walked over to koko's desk, slamming his hands down on the surface, the sudden gust of wind almost blowing the stack of papers in front of koko away.

"oh no, well, why don't you go try the putt putt?" koko sighed, not even looking up from his work, waving his hand in the air like he was shooing away a fly. "ah, y/n! finally, someone sane. please, get over here, i need you to look at something," koko waved you over when he noticed you standing in the doorway.

you made your way across the minefield of toys on the floor and greeted sanzu as he walked past you. "good morning," you smiled cordially.

he sauntered past you, looking down at you through bloodshot, half-shut eyes, his usual sinister smile plastered wide across his face. he'd opened his mouth to say, "good morning, little prin-" but then stepped on a pile of toy soldiers and tripped, tumbling to the floor, his long limbs getting all tangled up in themselves.

"uh... hey, koko?" you took a seat in the armchair beside the desk, setting your laptop down on the tabletop. "what's going on here? where's mikey?"

koko let out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. "sometimes mikey goes off on his own, and when he does, the rest of us have to take turns...babysitting," he nodded at the gangly man with bubblegum colored hair with a plastic toy putter in his hands. "i pulled the short straw today," he sighed, pushing the large binder of documents he was looking at over to you.

"koko!!"

"jesus, what now?" koko looked up, so annoyed you could almost see the steam coming out his ears.

"there's no balls," sanzu pointed at the putting green on the floor.

"well, who decided to ambush people by pelting them with the balls outside the bathroom last time?"

sanzu stared back at koko blankly.

"ugh, nevermind. could you play with something else? y/n and i have work to do." koko scooted his seat closer to you, and began circling a few line items on the page in front of you. "got this today from the guys over at the club in akasaka. these totals look off to you?"

you glanced over the document, and flipped back a few pages and reviewed the itemized lists also included in the binder. "damn," you said, looking up at koko. "these assholes are skimming."

koko opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a sudden loud popping noise. both of you turned to see sanzu on the floor, pulling the heads off of a pile of barbie and ken dolls.

koko raised his hands to his temples, the frown lines between his eyebrows deepening by the second. "jesus christ, this psychotic clown, if he wasn't the number 2 I swear to god-” he muttered under his breath.

"hey, sanzu?" you called out and sanzu's head jerked up to look at you, his eyes suddenly bright and attentive, like a child amongst the sea of toys on the floor.

"yes, princess?" he called back.

"could you go on a coffee run for us?"

sanzu tilted his head a little, confused. "a coffee...run?"

"yeah...you know, to buy coffee?"

he blinked, still confused.

"to buy...starbucks?"

"ah! you want me to buy you starbucks," he suddenly shot up.

"yes! yes, please, for me and koko, that would be great," you smiled, thinking you were finally getting somewhere with him.

he walked over to the desk. "anything for you, princess. and you can call me haru," he hummed, taking a bright pink ring pop off his finger and sliding it onto your ring finger, and a blue one onto koko's ring finger. "be back in a flash."

he turned to walk out of the office, whistling and not bothering to avoid the toys scattered on the floor, simply stepping on them as he went.

the doors closed behind him and you turned to koko, "now we can get some work done."

"let's hope he takes his time," koko rolled his eyes, sliding the ring pop off his finger, holding onto only the plastic part as gingerly as possible, a disgusted look on his face because he could tell sanzu had definitely licked the candy already.

"is it always like this when mikey's away?"

"sanzu? yeah, pretty much. but mikey tolerates him cus he's been with him longer than any of us, he's his loyal mad dog," koko sighed. "but that bastard's insane. apparently back in the day he got moved back and forth between all of mikey's captains cus nobody could handle him."

"wow. yeah, i guess i can see that," you glanced over at all the toys scattered on the floor. "seems pretty tough for you too."

"oh, i've actually done the best with him," koko scoffed. "last time, he was the haitani brothers' responsibility, they decided to take him to a hostess club. thought it'd be a good distraction for him. crazy maniac decided to pay for all the women there."

"all of them? that's..that's a lot-"

"no, that's not the crazy part. he paid for all the women, and then made them line up against the wall with liquor bottles on top of their heads and he used them for target practice." koko ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "anyway, who knows when he's gonna be back so we should try to get as much done as possible while he's away."

you nodded. the two of you worked dilligently, reviewing the rest of the books collected from bonten's other clubs and businesses in town, making one stack for ones that pass, and one that required additional scrutiny.

after a while, you stretched your arms up over your head, noticing the sun hung high in the sky and glanced at the clock on the wall. it read 12:15.

"i wonder where he is," you said, realizing it'd been almost two and a half hours since he left.

"who knows what that lunatic gets up to," koko sighed, turning the page of the binder he was leafing through.

"i actually could've used some coffee though," you yawned.

"i can have my girls make some sencha-"

just then the doors to his office burst open, and sanzu staggered in, eyes blood red, a blue gift bag in one hand, the other dragging a giant 10-foot teddy bear behind him.

"and suddenly my headache's back," koko muttered and sanzu approached the two of you at the desk.

sanzu dragged the huge teddy bear over and plopped it beside you. "i got this for you, princess."

"hah..um...where'd you get this..giant thing?" you didn't even know where to begin.

"there's a carnival downtown. i got it playing a shooting game," he grinned from ear to ear. koko groaned, knowing sanzu, by 'shooting game' he probably meant he threatened to shoot the person manning the booth if he didn't give him the bear.

"hah..i see, thank you. but why is it missing its eyes?" you asked, looking at the bear's face and noticing the eyeballs had been ripped out, only some tattered threads remained in the sockets.

"they were ugly," sanzu shrugged. "koko, i got you something too," he dropped the gift bag down in front of koko.

"thanks.." koko reached into the bag and pulled out a tiny cross-stitched sweater which could've only been made for an infant. "uh...dude, what is this?"

"it's a sweater for your chihuahua," sanzu explained, yawning and plopping down onto a chair by the desk.

"i don't have a chihuahua?"

"i could've sworn you did," sanzu tilted his head, as though in deep thought. "oh, i guess it's just you that's always yapping. it's amazing y/n puts up with this every day," he laughed, but his tone was filled with hostility.

you saw koko's body tense in your periphery and you quickly spoke up to diffuse the sudden tension. "haru, did you get coffee?"

"coffee? oh! the starbucks. yes, i did."

you stared back at him. "that's great, uh...so where is it?"

"on the corner of harajuku square, by yoyogi station," he smiled.

"what?"

"oh my god," koko groaned, raising his palms to his eyes and rubbing them in circles.

you looked back and forth between koko and sanzu.

koko took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair, turning to look at you. "he bought the starbucks."

[marvelous-harry]

A blurb where Harry is away for work n so is Florence but reader has book meetings so can’t go with any of them, one of them coming back on break surprise after a few weeks and reader hasn’t been taken care of herself at all like no food in fridge, being very concerned reader begging not to tell the other, angst

Home Alone Harry/Florence/Reader Words: 1.9K Summary: With Harry off on tour and Florence off shooting a movie, a series of meetings for your upcoming book leaves you home alone in London for a few weeks... it results in a lot of takeaways.

Jerking awake as I heard a noise, I sat up and looked around the bedroom, my heart racing in my chest. Hearing another noise, I dived onto the other side of the bed and pulled out the giant knife I had put under it before holding it up as I jumped out of the bed.

Quickly grabbing my phone, I ran over to the bathroom and closed the door, locking it quickly. My hands shook as I tried to get it open and dial 999.

The door to the bedroom squeaked as it was opened.

"I called the police!! And I have a knife!" I screamed as aimed the knife at the door.

"Oh god, babe. It's me!" Harry called out as he rushed over to the door. "It's okay, it's just me. Please tell the police not to come,"

Putting the knife down, I opened the door and punched Harry in the arm hard. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Almost gave me a heart attack!" I groaned as I clutched my chest and took a deep breath. "Fuck,"

"I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to scare you just surprise you. Surprise!" Harry said as he opened his arms.

Taking a step closer, I hugged him tightly. "I'm very surprised. I've missed you!" I mumbled as I breathed in the smell of him.

"Did you tell the police to not come?" Harry asked as he rubbed my back.

"I never actually got as far to call them. My hands were shaking so bad, I think I only managed to dial 9," I replied as I looked at him with a smile. "For how long are you home?"

Harry smiled back and stroked my cheek. "Just a night. Have to fly out tomorrow at 3,"

"Not very long," I said as I tried to keep the smile on my face. For a split second, I almost wished he hadn't come cause now I had to say goodbye to him again. "What time is it anyway? I was sleeping when you tried to kill me," I pulled back and walked over to the bed.

"It's four in the afternoon, why were you asleep?" Harry asked as he stepped into the bathroom to grab the knife. Making a note of the mess, he turned off the light and looked around the bedroom, noting the mess in there too.

"I might have fucked up my days and nights a little," I said quietly as I grabbed the chocolate wrapper on the bed and threw it into the bin, blushing as I saw all the other empty wrappers in it.

"Why are you staying up so late? You can't be sleeping all day. It's not good for you," Harry asked as he came over and put the knife on the nightstand before taking a seat next to me.

I shrugged and looked down into my lap.

"Are you having nightmares? Staying up late watching tv?" he asked as he put an arm around me.

"Your shows don't start before 2 or 3 usually and then I'm too excited after it ends so I usually stay awake an hour after it ends," I whispered.

"Baby," Harry said as he made me look at him. "That's why you're staying up? You've seen the show in person several times and you'll be seeing it several times more. It's very sweet but you need your sleep,"

"It's different!" I protested. "I have to see what you're gonna wear and every show is slightly different! And what if something happens? I need to know. I want to see every show. I feel like I'm there with you when I'm watching and I don't miss you as much,"

Harry sighed as he pulled me in for a hug. "Baby,"

I whined as I snuggled close. "Don't be mad! I haven't broken any rules so you can't be mad!" I told him as my stomach rumbled loudly.

"We'll discuss this later cause you can't keep staying up all night. Let's go downstairs and I'll cook us something," Harry said as he gave me a little kiss before standing. "Let's bring down the garbage that's up here so we can throw it out, and let's open a window cause it's very stuffy,"

"Okay," I mumbled as I walked over to the windows and cracked it open. Picking up the bin, I picked up a few more pieces of garbage before following Harry downstairs.

"We can order in? I'd love Chinese. Or Indian!" I quickly spoke up as I remember the state of the kitchen and the fridge. "You don't have to cook, you just got here," I smiled and grabbed his hand.

"It's okay. I'd love a home-cooked meal," Harry smiled as he walked into the kitchen.

"Okay, so, don't be mad," I said as I put the bin down and walked into the kitchen with him. Dirty dishes were overflowing in the sink and there were two bags of garbage just sitting on the floor, plus there was a stack of pizza boxes on the counter.

Harry took in the mess before heading to the fridge. Opening he saw that it mostly held just drinks and condiments, nothing to make a decent meal out of.

I bit my lip as I watched Harry close the fridge before moving silently over to the garbage. He counted the pizza boxes and looked at the bags which clearly showed all the takeaway containers.

"Baby," Harry sighed as he turned around and looked at me.

"I said don't be mad!" I whimpered as I pulled down the sleeves on my jumper and hid my hands inside.

"I'm not mad but I am worried. You're not getting good sleep and you're clearly not eating too good. The house is a mess," He looked at me concerned. "Are you okay? Have you been outside any? Gotten fresh air?"

I could feel tears stinging in my eyes and I had to look away cause I couldn't deal with the disappointment in his eyes.

"Come here," He said as he took a seat by the kitchen table and pulled up a chair opposite him.

Sniffling, I walked over and took a seat - looking down the whole time.

"Your health and well-being are one of the most important things to me. The habits that you've got going on right now aren't good for you, baby. You can't keep doing what you're doing," Harry said in a very determined tone.

"Please don't tell Florence," I sniffled as I looked at him. "I'll stop. I won't do it anymore, I'll do better but don't tell her," I asked him.

Harry smiled as he stroked my cheek. "We don't keep secrets from each other. You know that,"

Whimpering, I leaned against him and let out a little cry. "She'll be upset too. I didn't mean for it to happen but it's too difficult. I don't like being alone, I can't do it"

Harry wrapped his hands around me and swayed us back and forth lightly. "I know, baby, I know," he whispered. "I'm going to fix it,"

A few minutes later when I'd stopped crying and my stomach was rumbling even louder, Harry pulled back. "I'm going to order us some food. Can you be a good girl and take out all the garbage?" he asked with a smile.

Wiping my eyes on the sleeves of my jumper, I nodded. "Okay,"

Standing up, I grabbed the garbage bags by the counter and put them by the door before I started collecting everything else around the house. It was embarrassing just how much I ended up collecting and how many trips I had to take outside to get rid of it all.

Once I was done, I could hear Harry upstairs in the laundry room so I walked up the stairs slowly. As I stood at the top of the stairs, I sighed before walking into the bedroom instead of walking over to Harry. The bed had been stripped and the duvet was hanging out the window getting aired out.

"Fuck," I whispered as my eyes welled up with tears yet again. Hearing the door to the laundry room close, I sniffled and quickly wiped my eyes before turning around as Harry walked in.

"Food should be here within the hour. You okay?" Harry asked as he put the fresh sheets and blankets down on the bed.

"I'm fine," I replied as I tried giving him a smile.

Harry came over and put his hands around my waist. "Want to try again?"

I could feel my bottom lip trembling as I played with his cross necklace. "I'm really sorry," I stammered out. "You came all this way and I've ruined our time together cause I'm too stupid to function alone," I quickly put my hands over my eyes as I let out a sob.

Harry pulled me in for a tight hug. "Baby, you didn't ruin anything and you're not stupid!" he said firmly. "Do you hear me? You're so smart and clever. Plus any time I spend with you is priceless to me, it doesn't matter what we're doing,"

"You only have one meeting left right? Then you're going to come stay with me for a bit then you'll go see Florence. I'll talk to her about what's been going on so we can figure out the best way for you to be safe and happy at home until then," Harry told me as he rubbed my back.

I let out a loud sob and grasped onto him tightly. "No! I want to come with you now! I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't care about the meetings! Please don't leave me!" I cried.

Harry led me over to the bed so we could sit down and cuddle. "It'll be okay, I promise. We'll figure something out,"

--

"I'll see you in a week," Harry said as he stroked my cheek.

I nodded and gave him a little smile. "It'll go by fast I'm sure. Be there in no time, jet-lagged and ready to complain about the long flight,"

He glanced at his phone as it buzzed. "I can't wait. Remember, I've made you some meals, you can order takeaway one time and try and go to sleep at a decent hour," Harry smiled as he gave me a hug.

"I'll try," I whispered as I closed my eyes and hugged him as tightly as I could. "Now go! You don't want to keep your driver waiting!" I said as I pulled back and put my hands in my pockets.

"I love you," Harry said softly as he leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss.

Smiling, I kissed him back. "I love you too," I replied as he pulled back.

Harry picked up his little bag and opened the door. "7 days," he said as he stepped out.

"7 days," I said and watched him get into the car. Waving at him, I blew him a kiss before they disappeared from view. "It's just 7 days," I whispered as I closed the front door and locked it.

Turning off all the lights I grabbed the knife from the kitchen and headed upstairs. Crawling into bed, I ignored the tears running down my cheek as I put the knife back under the pillow and pulled the blankets over me. It was going to be a long week.

[harveywritings92]

BNHA Scenario: You fall asleep in their room.

Hawks: You've known Keigo since he first started out as a hero and were living with after a villain attack left your apartment destroyed, which both awesome and devastating to you, awesome you get to see your best friend and crush on his off time! but devastating because he doesn't know you like him... and it hurts knowing that while you're here on the penthouse balcony eating take-out drinking canned wine, looking down at the streets below... Hawks is out on some fancy date with some fangirl, who he's never gonna call again!

A sigh left your mouth as you pulled away from the railing nearly stumbling backwards a bit! luckily the feather Hawks left in the penthouse (or as Kei lovingly called it the nest.) caught you and gently pushed you back on your feet and just kind of hovered close in case you fell over,

(Meanwhile... Keigo flinched feeling his feather impact with something, worried he to excuse himself from his date and call you! and got nervous when you didn't answer.)

Deciding to call it a night you tossed your can in the recycling bin and went to bathroom, not seeing your phone light up when Hawks called... afterwards you managed to stumble into your room and pass out on your "bed" not noticing the fact that that your full size mattress was suddenly a king size and your blankets and sheets weren't the normal purple flannel ones you usually snuggled into.

Keigo got home 15 minutes later...

"Y/n?...I'm back!" He called out looking around the living room trying to see if you were awake, no answers he locked the door and put his keys on the counter when he noticed, the empty cans on it he check the labels and realized they were wine and hard water... he let out a small whistle reading the labels some of these were hard core 17% alcohol!... *She didn't drink these by herself did she?* he went over toward the guest room but saw the door close and assumed you were sleeping...

Keigo then went to his room and got ready for bed, and froze when he sensed he wasn't alone, he looked over at his bed as saw a person laying there, the blond tensed up and kept his feathers train on them as he approached he lifted the blanket and... Keigo's feathers dropped when he saw you laying fast asleep in his bed... His mind kind of stalled to a screeching halt as he stared at you there curled up and vulnerable...

He should've woken you up... should've told you to go back to your room, but instead the avian man just finished getting ready for bed and settled down next you taking your serene features and playing with your [hl/hc] hair as one of his wings covered you protectively before drifting off to sleep.

The it was the crack of dawn you woke up with a bad hangover and confused your bed felt and smelled different... almost like, a large red wing lazily jutted over your body and rested next to your head, Your eyes widened hangover momentarily forgotten as you got a good look around and realized you weren't in your room! you felt an arm thrown over you waist turned to see Keigo sleeping, you swallowed and tried to slip away, while trying to think how your going apologize for this! only for the blond to hold on tighter and pulled you back towards him, you looked back and saw his gold eyes glaring at her half lidded with a clear message. "Go back to sleep." you blinked before laying back down and relaxed in Keigo's arms going back to sleep.

===============================

Dabi: You stupidly trusted Toga who was fooling around with her quirk and was disguised as a dude said she'd take you back to your room after you over did it at the bar, you were pretty plastered Kurogiri cut you off and told you to go to bed! Toga offered to help you out, cos Dabi your supposed partner was too busy flirting with some random chick; who had wandered in with her entourage, not uncommon as the league needed the money so occasionally, they'll open the bar to civilians though most of them were drugged by the end of the night and dropped at random spots so that can't tell people where they were. (but anywho)

Toga had said she'd take you back to your room and in your drunken haze, you foolishly trusted her as she led you way from the bar. and far away from a certain cremator, who didn't take your absence lightly... Toga's quirk had worn off by the time she dropped you off in Dabi's room and happily went back to her room, curious about how this was gonna play out tomorrow! Dabi was pissed when he approached your room he went to knock on your door, but paused. You weren't his girl... he can't tell you what to do nor who to screw! So then why hell did it feel like he was being cheated on? He growled and went to his room, where he was in for a shock when he found you passed in his bed!...

Dabi was so confused if you were here? then who th-..." Toga..." he hissed tired and annoyed the raven haired man walked over to his bed and glared down at you with mild interest, "I don't know what the hell you're doing to me N/n..." he huffed thinking back to the bar the rage he felt seeing what he thought was some fugly guy was dragging you off to bed with him. "I turned down... A blonde, bisexual, bridesmaid for you, that's like the unicorn of bar girls!" he mused playing with your bangs as he laid down next to you. "I've been doing that a lot lately..." he hummed voice getting huskier as sleep over took him...while holding onto you.

================================

Shigaraki: You been awake for three days straight, doing random missions for the league and were very disoriented you hadn't even realized you wandered into Shigaraki's room and settled down next to the gaming dust master, luckily your quirk cancels his out, So you weren’t a dust pile when he rolled over in his sleep and instinctively wrapped his arms around whatever was making him feel warm.

Two hours later

The last thing Tomura was expected when he woke up from his nap was him spooning a girl! He jolt out of bed shocked and looked around confused, what the hell were you doing in his room? why did you... his eyes widened when he realized it you weren't dead…how come you weren't a pile of dust?! he looked at his hand then back at you and brought a shaky hand to you cheek gently put all five fingers to you warm flesh.. nothing happened! He can touch you...

Shigaraki let a choked gasp as he laid back down next you to taking in your features, he's noticed you lot as you're always kind of pretty for an NPC and you liked videogames too! but other then that he was too shy to try and interact with you... other telling you where to go and what to do, least  now he had reason to start talking to you more.

He then noticed the bags under your eyes and how sickly you looked... Shigaraki's eyes narrowed as he wondered why that was? he got his answer when he heard two male voices talking down the hall. "Dammit Kurogiri put me on night patrol again!" one huffed as the other male snorted. "So what? just get Y/n to do it.. she's easy to screw over, just tell her you were given her job by mistake." the first asked is that worked, the second one confirmed it.

Tomura was getting angrier as they continued making fun of you! he got up careful not to wake you and opened the door and closed it, "Oh, hey boss!...what are you Ack!!!" there was struggle for a few seconds then Tomura's muffled talking and muffled. "Yes sir, I'm sorry sir!", then Shigaraki walked back in his room, leaving Guy 1 staring at the pile dust that used to be Guy 2. Shigaraki laid back down next you holding you hand.

================================

Bakugou: You went to bathroom and accidently wandered into his dorm and he hadn't even noticed you slip into bed next to him, until he woke up at around 3 am and felt arms around his waist, Katsuki was ready to blow a gasket. "WHO TH-" he choked up and blushed when he saw it was you...his crush, how the... what the hell are you doing in his bed?! how did you even get into his room?! His red eyes fixated on his door and saw it wasn't locked.

He must've forgot to lock it after he told Shitty-hair and Dunce-face to get lost! Well, it was too late now. you were here, and he wasn't gonna let you get in trouble over a mistake! and besides he kind of enjoying feeling you holding onto him like this... it was warm and kind of felt nice Katsuki felt himself relax and drifted of back to sleep.

Needless to say Aizawa was not a happy teacher when he found you sleeping in Bakugou's bed both teens didn't know what was coming as Aizawa slowly raised the bucket full of ice water over his head and... Outside birds flew away the sound of screaming and the deafening explosion that followed.

[shitty17]

Rating every Gordon Freeman

Half life 1 gordon

Beloved and classic. Cannot beat the original! You gotta respect your roots. The man who started it all. He’s a tough quiet little redhead with a fun little pony tail. Fascinating design choices lead him to be a regular blank slate character who you can still pick out of the mass of similar ones by his iconic goatee and glasses. The early 90s art did a good job of showing you “this isn’t a giant beast of a killer man, this is your 40 something geometry teacher in a microwave with a gun” and that set the WHOLE precedent for Gordon’s character for me. The glasses, goatee, and defined cheek lines that seemed to be in every half life model at the time age him a touch more than 27, but if you stare at him long enough you can believe it. Plus, not a lot of detail to glean from a low poly model anyhow. His expression shows him as cool, level headed, and focused. He’s so fucking ORANGE holy shit. This is our very first Gordon! The fucking sexy SNATCHED little waist and chicken neck give him extra points for being a shitty little skinny legend. The metal diaper and looking like he’s about to give me detention because I spoke too loud in class docks tho.

9/10 Beloved classic Gordon who’s flaws can easily be waved away with “it was our first try”, and yet also make him a fun original stand out character.

Half life 2 Gordon

He is no longer my pain in the ass highschool teacher, he is now my bitchy gay college TA who rolls his eyes when the professor says some dumb shit and looks WAY too much like House MD if you get too close. Props for consistencey, this really is just a dolled up version of low poly Gordon. Still got his heavy brow and aged face creases so he looks more like a 30 something dad than a 27 y/o scientist, but that can be blamed on all the stress. Hes got bigger prettier eyes now. He’s still remaining cool and focused, but he’s getting upset. He’s getting distracted. He’s had enough already. And yet, he still finds it in himself to keep going. The new HEV is a VERY sexy little upgrade, maintaining core features such as keeping that waist cinched, and supporting his skinny chicken neck. Finally got RID of that diaper and replaced it with a stylish yet flirty dragon underbelly scale set. It do kinda give the vibe that his dick out tho, which is both hilarious and also pretty ballsy, pun not intended. The colors are not so orange now, which is good! Balanced it out with a lot of grey. Makes him easier to look at, but a little easier to glaze over. Everyone from my generation will know Gordon Freeman by these images, they’re iconic. A good medium between “a regular guy” and “rough tough white mchandsome fps protagonist”. Hairs a lil more of a pretty chestnut brown and still got that nice warm red tone to it. I can’t tell if these images are so iconic that it’s seen as the norm, or if I’ve seen this guys face so much that I’m used to it by now, but he does give off “just kinda of a mediocre guy design wise”. I like that about him. Gordon Freeman just being a regular dude is huge and important to his character. He’s been upgraded to be sleeker and cooler and that’s got him serious traction amongst fans but he falls a bit more to the “generic badass” bin with this. Still, a lot to love.

8/10: Brilliant, iconic, handsome, sleek, and cool to look at, but making him easy to sell action figures of detracts from his character. An upgrade visually but has yet to convince me that he really is as cool as he looks.

Half-life: Alyx

Sweet holy mother of Jesus Christ our lord.

Like. Where do I start. Okay I’ll start with the obvious. He’s cute now. He’s super fucking cute now. He no longer looks like Walter white. He looks like a young man. He looks like a barista you would get at Starbucks who’s voice has deepened from 5 years of T and he tells you to “have a nice day :)” in the sweetest of tones and you really do have a nice day because of it. He’s got big ole peepers now. His old man wrinkles have smoothed out. He’s got noticable birthmarks and freckles. His cranium is regular sized now instead of cartoonishly massive, making his hairline look less like it’s receding.

But also? The most important part? Even when he looks angry, even when he puts back on the cool focused serious look? Even when he tries to put on his classic badass look? It’s not convincing anyone any more. We know now. We know this is just a young man in a HEV suit. He’s not indestructible, he’s scared. Look at him. He clings to these weapons because they’re the only thing stopping everything else in the world from killing him. His brows are furrowed not because he’s pissed with blind rage, but because he has to focus and think and be careful or else he will get dropped. He’s hurt. He has taken damage to his suit. He is not indestructible unstoppable badass or the idol of freedom he’s been made out to be, he’s been sold as. This is a man. This is your friend. He needs your help as much as you need his. This in particular reflects the plight of society nowadays. In 2020, we have less and less faith in our governments and ruling classes, and the only faith we have left is feeling vulnerable and asking for help. This Gordon is relatable. This Gordon shows pain. This Gordon needs his family as much as they need him. This Gordon is being pushed too far, but he still says he can take it. This Gordon is way more badass.

They fucking nailed it. They made a perfect Gordon Freeman. I straight up could look at this dude for hours. He’s so cute I need to give him a bowl of soup and a kiss.

10/10. Unreal.

Bonus!

10000/10 if you squint Lamarrs eyes can look like Gordon’s eyebrows.

[chouhatsumimi]

Hi! I am trying to become a japanese to English (& vice versa) translator. I can't find any sources to check the English to Japanese translation. It is difficult to get which grammar must be used since I am not a japanese native and don't know any natives to ask either. I have studied till N2 level but have no experience and must start freelancing to get experience so I need to figure out how to translate on my own. I can only use free translation software but I am not sure about it's reliability. I have seen questionable translations when it's for Japanese to English. Do think you can give any suggestions or anything that might be helpful?

Hi! I did put in a little time searching for the kind of tools you might have had in mind.

It seems that there are many that function in the exact same way but have different interfaces. Here are two of them. Many others can be found by searching "日本語文章校正ツール" or similar keywords. https://dw230.jp/kousei/

https://so-zou.jp/web-app/text/proofreading/

While they can point out some things to look out for, from the testing I did with them, they overlooked some pretty obvious errors, while also catching some things that I couldn't figure out why it thought it was wrong/sounded bad, or how to fix it.

There was one more I found that I didn't try, because it involves downloading software. This page explains the software, and another page on the site offers the download. The webpage is sponsored by a university, so I think it's safe to assume its trustworthy, but it might be a hassle and I can't say for sure if it works.

https://www.pawel.jp/outline_of_tools/tomarigi/

--------------------

That said, it's most common for translators to work from one language INTO their native language. While interpreters often have to go both directions (J <--> E), translators typically work either (J -> E) [English native speakers] OR (E -> J) [Japanese native speakers]. If you grew up bilingual, maybe you can translate both ways. But if English is your native language and you learned Japanese as a second language (which is true of my situation), it's pretty much not going to be worth bothering to do E->J translation, unless there are extenuating circumstances. The reasons for this are 1) You can't be sure that the translation you produce reads smoothly or is error-free 2) While you might think, but yes, if I do a really thorough check and compare it against native Japanese examples, I can be pretty darn sure it's perfect, the amount of time it takes you to do that is not going to be cost-effective. Like anything else, people purchasing translation as a service usually want the end result to be done well, in a timely manner, and as cheaply as possible, so it doesn't make sense to hire you for E -> J when they could hire a native Japanese speaking translator, or send their work to an agency to find that translator for them.

If you ARE translating into Japanese and are not a native speaker of Japanese, it is a good idea to have a fellow translator who has the opposite native language you do (in this case Japanese & English), and ask them to check it over for you (which, considering that's part of their job, you'd probably pay a small fee for). They could do the same to have you proofread their translations into English. Some translators consult friends/spouses, etc., but I think this can get old for them sometimes, so it's advisable not to rely on them for your job. You mentioned not having any native speakers to ask right now, but this is still an idea you can file away for in the future when you meet more people and get to know other translators.

In short, if you're aiming to become a translator working with Japanese but are not a native Japanese speaker, don't worry about translating into Japanese. Just focus on translating from Japanese into your native language.

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Translation software: let me make a distinction here between "machine translation" and "CAT [computer aided translation] tools".

Machine translation is Google Translate, DeepL, anything like that. There are times when they work well, but particularly with a language like Japanese that likes to imply a lot of information instead of stating it directly (such as who is doing the action described in the sentence), they're pretty much always going to miss something. In any situation that someone is looking to pay a translator to do work, it's because they already know machine translation won't cut it. One thing that's becoming more common is MTPE (machine translation post editing), where a translator "fixes" what's wrong with a machine translation (or more often than not, just re-translates it from scratch because what the machine came up with is mostly useless).

CAT tools, on the other hand, are widely used by translators. Paid CAT tools such as Trados, MemoQ, Memsource, etc. can be very expensive, and are often provided by a translation agency to their translators. (Also, most of them require a PC operating system.) There's more I could say, but since I haven't been in any situations that require them, I don't have any personal experience. I do have experience using OmegaT (free, works on Mac) and Felix (free, I use it on Windows). They both take a little tinkering to figure out how to use effectively, but basically what they do is, once you've translated a segment of text, they store the original segment and the translated segment, and for each new segment you go to translate, the CAT tool compares it to segments that you've previously translated to see if you can re-use any of what you came up with before. They can also have a built-in dictionary function, but that's basically just having your typical web-based dictionary but more automatically and in a more convenient location.

--------------------

For going into freelancing, I have a few recommendations.

Apart from CAT tools, some resources that I refer to frequently are http://nihongo.monash.edu/cgi-bin/wwwjdic?9T (basically looks up all the words in a sentence at once), http://thejadednetwork.com/sfx/ (if you're doing anything with sound effects, like manga), https://tsukubawebcorpus.jp//search/ (this is a corpus, I have another post on how to use it -here-, it's probably going to be your best bet when it comes to checking grammar), https://books.google.com/ngrams (for when it comes to figuring out what turns of phrase are commonly used in English), and https://yomikatawa.com/ (for figuring out the readings of names in Japanese, though there are other sites that work similarly).

When it comes to practicing, contests are a good place to start. The two I know of now are run by JAT in October (https://jat.org/events/contests) and JLPP deadline of 7/31 (and they're long, so it's probably too late for this year unless you're free between now and then: https://www.jlpp.go.jp/en/competition6/competition6en.html ) You can also practicing doing translations for fun. Any kind of media you enjoy (manga, video games, variety shows, newspaper articles) is a good target for doing a practice translation. Just be wary that it's not a good idea to post your translation in a public location on the internet, because it could be infringing copyright/licensing agreements, etc. Finally, there are websites like Gengo, Conyac, Fiverr and others where you can do gig translation work. They can be useful for practice, but also have the pitfall of paying, like, 5% of the rate you should be getting. This is an ongoing debate because on one hand, you can get practice while still getting a little money for it, but on the other hand, if customers can get people to do that work for 5% of a livable wage, that makes it harder for aspiring and working translators to find enough work that pays well enough to support themselves doing only translation for a living. Entertainment (primarily manga) scanlation groups also a significant enough force to merit a mention here- many aspiring entertainment translators find themselves a part of such a group. Practice is practice and developing your skills is important, but they also have many many of the same problems associated with them as I mentioned above, namely infringing on copyright and contributing to the inability of anyone to turn entertainment translation into a livable full-time job.

Another recommendation I have is to join some J/E translation-focused groups. This page lists a number of them: https://shinpaideshou.com/translation/ I can personally vouch for JAT as I am a member and I got my current job by being part of their directory. They run an online training program (eJuku) once a year around April, and applications only stay open for a few days, so if you're interested make sure you keep your eye out. Another one not listed on that page is https://swet.jp/ which is not entirely about translation, but it is heavily related and they host some good events. Twitter is also a very good place to be if you're getting into J/E translation. I prefer to keep my tumblr and twitter separate but if you DM me, I can give you my handle so you can see who I follow and who among that seems worth following to you.

--------------------

In closing, I see you say "I have studied till N2 level but have no experience and must start freelancing to get experience so I need to figure out how to translate on my own." I'd say, give yourself some time. Even at N1 there's still going to be a lot you don't understand (or at least there was for me, that's why I started this langblr). I'm sure there are differences in our situations, but it was about five years ago for me that I started diving into translation- I think I was between N2 and N1 then. I've done a lot of translating and gotten a lot of experience since then, but I also have and am experiencing a lot of burnout. (In fact, I'm procrastinating right now by answering this....) Many translators have a job and translate on the side, and it's also common to gain experience with a company or agency before diving into supporting yourself on freelance work. I'd encourage you to take a breath, get experience when and where you can, and remember that if you keep at it long enough, you're sure to get there- just don't wear yourself out or worry to death in the meantime!

OH and definitely keep track of what projects you do, how long they are, and how long it takes you to do them! Knowing your speed is important when it comes to setting your working rates. I am always doubting these, and they differ from person to person, but my current estimates are that I can do 600 moji (Japanese characters) per hour, ~10 min. of audio per hour, and I try to aim for $45~$60 per hour. Generally the lowest acceptable standard rates are $0.05-$0.06 per moji and ~$5 per page of manga. You'll definitely get requests lower than that, so remember your sanity and don't be afraid to say no, there are plenty of opportunities out there!

[yellowsuitcase]

In the Prefect’s Bathroom Part 4 // Draco Malfoy

A/N: Guys!!! It's the FINAL part, yay!! I'm super proud of this and I think it's super cute and just AAHH I really hope y'all like it. Lemme know what you think of it and if you expected any of it. Thank you so much for reading, and Happy Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it)

Summary: Draco has been trying to get Y/N to talk to him since he confessed, but he hasn't had any luck. Until, he finds something she left in his dorm.

Warning(s): SMUT! Unprotected sex, lots of fluff, swearing, angst

Word Count: 5k

Masterlist & Taglist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Three weeks had gone by, and now Draco was on his bed, toying with the idea of giving up. Y/N had been avoiding him ever since that day he confessed. No matter how hard he tried to get her to warm back up to him, she kept her distance. He had tried everything. He'd sit next to her in class; she'd move seats. He'd wait outside the Gryffindor tower; she'd strut right past him. It seemed as nothing was working, so of course, he was getting a bit discouraged.

Just a couple days ago, the two of them had been in Charms class, and on his way out, Draco noticed that Y/N had dropped her book. This is my chance, he thought to himself. He quickly bent down to pick it up since he assumed she would've been already halfway down the corridor by the time he got back up. But when he arose from the floor, she was standing right in front of him. His heart pounded in his chest. Draco knew he had to stall for time, try and get her defenses to weaken. He turned the book over in his hands. "The Tales of Beedle and Bard," he read aloud. Y/N blushed and averted her eyes. He opened the cover and read the first few lines to himself.

There was once a kindly old wizard who used his magic generously and wisely for the benefit of his neighbours. Rather than reveal the true source of his power, he pretended that his potions, charms and antidotes sprang ready-made from the little cauldron he called his lucky cooking pot.

Draco shut the book and said, "I've actually never read them. My father didn't permit me to. Said it was written by a muggle lover. Supposedly he filed an official request to remove it from Hogwarts's shelves." Draco chuckled as he ran his finger along the spine of the light blue book. But his laughter died when he glanced up at Y/N. She looked rather upset, causing Draco to panic and quickly backtrack. "That isn't to say I don't want to read them now. I mean, I'm sure they're not as bad as Father thought they were," he sputtered. Y/N remained silent. "Perhaps... we could read them together, maybe?" he asked hopefully. He knew it was a shot in the dark, but he did it anyway. Draco hadn't heard Y/N's voice in weeks, and it was making him grow desperate.

Softly, she reached out her hand, and Draco held his breath. But then her fingers grasped the book, and the Slytherin felt his heart shatter. He cleared his throat, trying to push away the lump that had formed in it. His grip loosened, and Y/N pulled her book towards her chest. She didn't even look at him before she turned around and rushed down the hallway, leaving Draco feeling stranded, hopeless, and, quite frankly, stupid for even trying.

Since then, he hadn't put in nearly as much effort into rekindling their friendship. It was painfully obvious Y/N wanted nothing more to do with him, and as much as it hurt, Draco had to accept that. But that didn't stop his thoughts. It couldn't. Every night, he would lay awake, worrying. Worrying about Y/N's wellbeing. Was she happy? Did she make any new friends?

Did she still feel alone?

Draco didn't know. From the little he'd seen of her, he assumed she was alright. He hoped she was. But he had no real way of knowing. He had tried reaching out to her roommate multiple times, but all Stephanie would tell him was that she thought Y/N seemed fine, just a bit quiet. That answer never sat well with him. During those few weeks, before he confessed, he had learned so much about Y/N. One of those things being that she was not quiet. She had talked his ear off many times, telling him funny stories from her childhood. Like how, after one of their study sessions, she told him about the time she had made her pet fish turn yellow just by looking at it. Draco remembered that day clearly.

"My mum was terrified! One moment my fish was blue and the next he was yellow! I mean, imagine that." Y/N laughed. Draco shook his head in disbelief. "Sounds like you were quite the little mischief-maker," he replied as he twirled his wand between his fingers, it was becoming a bit of a habit. Y/N continued giggling, kicking her legs as she did so. "You should've seen the look on my dad's face when he got home. That was the day he sat her and me down and told us he was a wizard. My poor mum. She had no idea."

Draco sat up in shock. "Wait, wait, you're a half-blood?" he asked, eyes wide. Y/N cocked an eyebrow. "Is that a problem, Malfoy?" she questioned as she began to sit up. Her tone was somewhat threatening. Draco raised his hands to show his lack of ill intention. "No, no. I was just surprised," he quickly explained. Y/N chuckled and waved her hand towards him. "Relax, I'm only playing with you," she assured him. Her words piqued Draco's interest. He wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips, staring suggestively into her eyes. "Well, I'd sure like to play with you," he husked. Y/N gasped loudly and swiftly removed the pillow from behind her back and chucked it at the blonde boy sitting across from her. "Draco!" she screeched. "Joking!" he mumbled. "Just joking...unless."

Y/N crossed her arms, and obnoxiously shook her head while clicking her tongue disapprovingly. Draco snickered before throwing the pillow back at her, making her giggle. His heart skipped a beat as he watched her eyes twinkle. She looked unreal to Draco, ethereal almost. However, he was torn from his trance by her continuing the story. "Anyways, as I was saying, my lovely mum had the shock of her life. I was surprised as well. I mean, I had just found out I was a bloody witch. Although I was much more delighted than she was. Come to think of it, she might've cried," Y/N said with a small frown. "Wow..." Draco muttered. "But what does she think of it now? What with you being at Hogwarts and all."

Y/N hummed to herself, recalling that last time she and her mother spoke about Hogwarts. "Well, I think she thinks it's a bit surreal, you know? She always imagined I'd graduate and go off to university to become a doctor or something, but here I am at a school for wizards and witches," she said while gesturing to the castle walls around her. Draco nodded although he was a bit confused. "She just doesn't understand, right?" he asked. Y/N pursed her lips. "I think she will, with time. Maybe I can introduce her to you and your family. Now that would be really fun," she suggested with a mischievous glint in her eye. Draco furrowed his eyebrows. "And why is that?" he questioned, staring at the giggling girl. "Just imagine me introducing you. I'd say, hey mum, this is my best friend and his wizard parents who dress like they're going to a funeral every single day. Oh, and they also own a mansion in the countryside because they're rolling in galleons!" Y/N bellowed, nearly falling over as she clutched her stomach, erupting in laughter.

Draco would've berated her for the slander towards his parents, but his mind was fixated on three words, "My best friend." He waited until Y/N ceased laughing before asking her, "I'm your best friend?" She looked at him as if he had grown a second head. "Well, duh, you're my only friend, Draco." The Slytherin did his best to hide his blush as he looked to the floor. "You're mine too," he mumbled. But Y/N didn't hear.

Draco sighed as he sat on his bed. He missed her. He wished so badly that she'd walk through his door. But she wouldn't, and he knew that. Slowly, he pushed himself off the green covered mattress and walked over to his wooden desk. A piece of parchment was already on top of it, so he took a seat, and he reached for his ink bottle and quill. His nimble fingers unscrewed the cap, and he dipped the point inside it, drenching it in black liquid. He'd written letters to Y/N many times, but every time he finished one, he'd get scared and chuck it into the bin. Draco knew he'd probably do the same tonight, but he wanted to try. So he pressed his quill to the paper and began.

"Dear Y/N, I hope you are doing well. I'm writing to you to give you my apologies. I should've known better than to confess my feelings for you at such a time. I really hope..." he stilled his hand, not knowing what to say next. His head was reeling as different thoughts and feelings flooded his brain, none of which he knew how to convey in words. She made him so dizzy. But, ever persistent, Draco started again.

"Dear Y/N, Are you doing well? I truly hope that you are. I write to you to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. I said and did so many foolish things that day, and if I could take all of them back, I swear, I would. I know I must've frightened you that day, but Y/N, I fear you don't know how much I miss you. I've never felt this empty before. But I know it's because you're not here. I need you..." Draco, in his frustrated haze, crossed out the last line and crumbled the parchment in his fist. He then tossed it across the room, watching as it hit the wall next to his door, and bounced on the foot of his brass coat rack. He stared at it, thinking about donning his coat and taking a walk around campus. But then, he noticed something underneath. He jumped to his feet and rushed over to the rack. Curious, he lifted his black coat off the hook to reveal a brown cardigan underneath. His chest tightened; it was Y/N's. She must've left it in his room after one of their study sessions. Come to think of it, it was probably from the night before Draco confessed.

Hesitantly, the boy reached out and touched his fingers to the cardigan. It was soft. He lifted it up and held it in his hands, letting his emotions settle. Then, he brought it to his nose, breathing in deeply. It still smelled of her: apples, hazelnut, and cinnamon. Draco felt tears begin to gather in his eyes, but he hastily blinked them away. With care, he hung the cardigan back up and retreated to his desk. He got seated, pulled out a new sheet of parchment, and began writing for the third time that night.

------------

Dear Y/N,

I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to you to inform you that I've discovered your cardigan in my room. The brown one that is. I suppose you left it after our last study session. I can return it to you tomorrow morning at breakfast, or if you'd prefer, you can fetch it tonight. The current password to the Slytherin common room is Jobberknoll. Hopefully, you remember where my bedroom is, but should you have forgotten, it's at the very top of the stairway on your left. Please knock three times before entering.

There's no need to send an owl with your reply. Just make sure to come before 9:30. If you don't, I'll assume you wish to receive the cardigan at breakfast, in which case, I shall wait for you by the door.

Draco

Y/N clutched the parchment tightly in her hands. She had been scared half to death when an owl landed right beside her while she was sitting by the open windows. But now, she was more afraid of getting her cardigan back. She glanced around her room frantically, as if she'd find an answer to her dilemma upon the walls. Her eyes then drifted back to the parchment in her hands. She looked at where Draco had signed his name. Above it was a dark scribble as if he had scratched something out. What did he write there? It was probably just 'sincerely,' but what if it was something else. What if it was 'with love'? Y/N wondered. She closed her eyes; she needed to calm down. There was no way she'd be able to make a rational decision with such thoughts running through her brain.

But Y/N had nobody to consult, nobody to refer to. Ever since she'd pushed Draco away that day, she'd been alone. Her roommate spoke to her on occasion, but only about school-related things. Almost the entirety of her house had shunned her. And the whole school knew what she did, so making friends had proven to be difficult. But because of this, Y/N had been able to do a lot of thinking. Truthfully, she missed Draco. She hated herself for rejecting him that day. She hated herself because she liked him. The only reason she had rejected him was that she knew she wasn't ready for another relationship. And on top of that, she didn't think she deserved one. Draco wasn't someone she deserved, not in her mind.

But here she was, being forced to make a decision. Should she just wait until tomorrow, or should she go to his room? Her brain was telling her to wait until tomorrow; that way, she could take the cardigan, thank him, and be on her merry way. But her heart screamed at her to go to him. Go to him, confess to him, bring him back into her life. Y/N glanced at the clock; it was nearly nine. "Fuck," she muttered before pushing off the window seat; her loneliness had gotten the best of her.

She rushed towards her closet and flung the doors open. Her eyes scanned the array of clothing for a few moments before she pulled out her favorite pair of light grey sweatpants along with her pale green crewneck. She threw them on and tucked her wand into her pocket. Then she checked herself in the mirror. Her hair was already pulled back, and she had light mascara on. It was good enough, in her opinion, so she slipped on her shoes and turned her doorknob with a shaky hand.

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Draco was sitting in his armchair with a blue book in his hands when he heard three distinct knocks at his door. His breathing began to hasten; surely, it couldn't be... Only one way to find out. "Come in!" he called. The door swung open to reveal Y/N. She looked nervous as all hell but nevertheless, stepped inside his room and closed the door behind her. Neither of them said anything. They simply stared at one another. But luckily, Draco came to his senses. "Right, your cardigan," he said as he dropped his book and stood up. He grabbed the cardigan off the back of his chair and walked over to her, holding out the garment. "Here you are." Y/N took it into her hands and examined it. "Thank you, I thought it was lost forever," she told him with a smile. Draco faltered for a moment. He'd forgotten how sweet her voice was. But then he nodded, and the awkward silence returned. It hung in the air for a few moments before it was broken by the two of them simultaneously blurting out, "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, Y/N," Draco insisted while shifting his eyes to the floor. "I acted like a fool that day a-and I frightened you, and I made you so overwhelmed. I should've known better, and I am so sorry...I've missed you so much," he said, whispering his last few words. Eventually, he found the courage to look up, and when he did, he saw that Y/N was crying. His heart clenched, and he felt regret pool in his gut. But before he could apologize again, Y/N spoke up.

"I've missed you too, Draco. And I'm not sorry I rejected you that day, I'm sorry that I kicked you out of my life. I thought I was protecting myself because I just knew I would've gone back on my decision if I had let you stay. I liked you too, I still do, but I just wasn't ready. You're too good to be true. I don't deserve a second chance; I don't deserve you. But you didn't deserve to be shut out, and I really hope you can forgive—"

Y/N was cut off by Draco smashing his lips against hers. He held her face in his hands as she gasped, allowing him to sneak his tongue out and run it along her lower lip. She moaned into his mouth as he started to nibble. His hands traveled downwards until they settled on her hips. He pulled her closer and groaned when his hips touched hers. God, how he had missed this. Then, Y/N reached up and ran her hands through his hair, successfully messing it up. Draco knew he wanted more but pulled away from her lips. She breathed heavily and looked into his eyes, puzzled as to why he stopped.

"You're mine...right?" Draco asked anxiously. Y/N smiled and pulled him close for another soft kiss. "I'm yours," she whispered. Draco kissed her again, and she eagerly returned it. Hesitantly, Draco sneaked his hand underneath her shirt, merely letting it sit there against her hot skin as he slipped his tongue into her mouth again. Then, he began to slide his hand up her torso, all while paying attention to her reactions. She seemed to be kissing him harder as he gently ran his thumb along the underside of her breast. He took that as a sign he was doing good, so he placed his hand on top of it and squeezed. Y/N let out a loud moan and pulled away from the kiss. "Draco, please," she whined. He snickered as he studied her pleading face. "What do you need, princess?" he asked in a sultry voice. Y/N squirmed and continued to whine. Draco clicked his tongue. "Always so scared to tell me what you want. There's no need to be embarrassed. I'll give you whatever you want. I just need you to tell me," he reminded her gently. She bit her lip and stared at the floor before finally answering.

"I wanna have sex with you," she whispered. Her face was crimson. Draco felt his heart squeeze; she was too cute. He put his hand underneath her chin and tilted it upwards. A gentle kiss was planted on her lips. "I wanna have sex with you too, darling," he murmured. Y/N couldn't hide her smile as she swiftly took his hand and led him to the bed. Draco smirked and, with sneaky hands, pushed her onto the bed, making her squeal. "Draco!" she yelled with her back now pressed against the mattress. The Slytherin wasted no time; he jumped on top of her while mimicking a roar, causing Y/N to burst into laughter. Her laugh was music to his ears.

Draco tugged her shirt up and off her body, throwing it to the floor. His hands immediately traveled to her back where he unclasped her bra, throwing that away too. Draco felt his dick twitch in his pants upon seeing her nipples harden in the cold air. He leaned down and latched his lips onto one of them while twisting the other between his fingers. Y/N's gasp sent a shiver down his spine, and he sucked her even harder.

"Draco..." she moaned. Draco let go of her tits and sat up, admiring her flushed face. Then Y/N suddenly sat up and grasped the bottom of his shirt and proceeded to yank it off him. Draco only watched as she did this. Her hands then traveled to his pants. She unzipped him and pushed his waistband down, exposing his briefs. He helped her out by maneuvering himself off his knees so that he could kick his pants off.

Once the pants joined the rest of the clothes, Y/N reached for the top of his underwear. But before she could go any further, Draco stopped her. She looked at him, confused as to why he wouldn't want her to touch him. "Tonight is about you, darling. Lie back for me now," Draco instructed. Y/N's face turned red, but she did as she was told and lowered her body onto the bed. Draco's hands grasped her pants, and he slowly pulled them down, stopping to press kisses to her thighs as he went. They were both in only their underwear now, and he could see Y/N was getting impatient. "Speak princess, what do you want?" Draco asked. Y/N pressed her thighs together and rolled her hips a bit before she spoke. "Finger me, please," she begged. Draco smiled at her and immediately pressed his fingers to her pussy, still covered by her panties.

"So polite," he purred as he gently rubbed her clit through her underwear. She closed her eyes and hummed in pleasure. "That feel good, princess?" Draco asked. Y/N nodded and opened her mouth to reply, but a long moan quickly replaced the words on her tongue as Draco applied more pressure to her nub. He continued to swirl his finger around it for a couple minutes, then he slid a different finger past her panties and slowly pushed it inside, feeling her thighs clench as he did so. "So tight," he mumbled before leaning down and giving her a sweet kiss. The intrusion of another finger caused her to gasp into his mouth. Draco groaned and pressed down on her clit, making her hips jump.

"Did you miss this? Did you miss my fingers inside you and my kisses on your body?" he questioned as he thrusted into her. Y/N clenched her walls around his digits and nodded eagerly. "So much. So fucking much," she mewled. Draco added another finger and increased his pace. He noticed Y/N's breathing beginning to get quicker, and he knew she was close. So he finger-fucked her hole for a minute more before withdrawing his hand. Y/N cried out in frustration and glared at him angrily. "Why did you do that?" she whined.

But then, without warning, Draco lifted up her shirt and pressed his lips to her soft stomach, blowing a raspberry onto it. Y/N instantly screamed and wiggled violently underneath him. "STOP, STOP!" she shrieked, trying to get away as her giggles became uncontrollable. Eventually, Draco took mercy on her and ceased his torment. He leaned up to see Y/N was out of breath, and her hair was a mess. "Quit playing games and put your dick inside me, you twat," she ordered. Draco's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "If you say so," he muttered, taking his cock out of his underwear. Y/N's eyes widened, but before she could say or do anything, Draco slid all the way inside her, burying his dick in her pussy. "Ohhh, fuck," she moaned. Draco grunted as he adjusted to the tightness of her hole. He had the instinct to begin slamming into her, but he controlled his urges and allowed her body to adapt to him as he positioned his hands next to her head.

Y/N's walls clenched around him, and she bucked her hips. "Move, please," she pleaded softly. "As you wish," Draco said as he slowly pulled himself out and thrusted back in, setting a slow but consistent pace. Y/N let out quiet mewls as he moved in and out. Her legs found their way to his waist, and they quickly wrapped around it. This pulled him closer and forced his dick deeper inside her. "Fuck," Draco moaned as he leaned down for a kiss while continuing to thrust. Y/N hummed into his mouth and flicked her tongue against his. "Shit, you feel so good," she purred. Draco's cock twitched at her words, and he increased his pace. A harsh grunt escaped him as Y/N reached up and dug her nails into his back. "You're so gorgeous, Y/N," he breathed. "So goddamn gorgeous."

Suddenly, Draco's sensual thrusts were halted by Y/N calling his name. "Yes, darling?" he replied. "You can be rough, I don't mind," she told him gently. Draco smiled down at her and pressed quick kisses along her jaw. "I know, but I can do that another night. Right now," he angled his head so that his lips were by her ear, "I'm making love to you," he whispered, feeling her shudder beneath him.

Y/N's eyes grew soft, and she moved her hands to his face. "You're perfect," she mumbled before pulling his lips to hers, where they shared a passionate kiss. "So perfect." Draco started to thrust again, resuming his slower pace. The force of his cock rocked the couple back and forth on the plush pillows. But then, he had an idea.

He moved his hands from their spot beside Y/N's head, slid them underneath her back, and lifted her up. "Shit," she cursed as she was now on Draco's lap, his dick still buried deep inside her. Slowly, Draco raised her off him and turned her around so that her back was facing him. He then repositioned her hips above his cock and gently lowered her onto it. "Ohhh," she moaned as she once again became full. She was about to lift herself up and fuck herself on his dick, but Draco's hands stopped her. He pushed her legs wide and placed his hand over her pussy. This didn't please Y/N. She started to squirm and buck her hips forward, causing Draco to groan as she stimulated his cock. "Stay still, princess. I'll take care of you," he assured her. His fingers pressed against her heat and slowly spread the upper lips, exposing her clit. With his other hand, he touched his fingers to her nub and slowly began to circle it. Y/N's head fell back onto his shoulder, and a long, deep groan escaped her throat.

"Oh my god," she whimpered as her breathing became ragged. Draco's hands never stopped or stuttered, not even when Y/N's walls squeezed him tight. He just kept rubbing and rubbing; her soft pants sounded like heaven to him. Suddenly, Y/N's thighs began to tense. "Draco, fuck, I'm close," she muttered. Draco turned his head and once again hovered his lips next to her ear. "Cum on me. Cum with me buried inside you," he ordered. Y/N gasped and rolled her head on his shoulder. He could tell she was almost there. "Oh, god. Fuck, fuck, fuck, just a little more," she begged.

Draco kept circling her clit until finally, she inhaled sharply, and her walls clenched him hard. His finger didn't stop; it continued to rub her throughout her high. It only ceased when Draco felt her body jolt from overstimulation. He then pushed her forward onto her hands and knees and began pounding into her, chasing his own climax. The sounds of skin slapping combined with the tightness of Y/N's pussy lit a fire in Draco's abdomen, and soon, he was pushed over the edge. "Cumming," he warned her before he released inside Y/N with a deep groan. The couple remained in that position for a good minute, breathing heavily. Then Draco pulled himself out and laughed as Y/N immediately collapsed face-first onto his bed. He gently flipped her over and kissed her cheek. "You alright, darling?" he asked. She smiled and turned to him. Then, without thinking, she blurted, "I think I love you." Immediately, Y/N slapped her hand over her mouth. But Draco only grinned and said, "I love you too, Y/N."

She lowered her hand and averted her eyes as blush filled her cheeks. "Draco, are we..." she trailed off, looking apprehensive. "Boyfriend and girlfriend?" he asked. Y/N nodded. "I'd love to be your boyfriend, darling," he said sweetly. In less than a second, Draco was attacked by a forceful hug from Y/N. He wrapped his arms around her still naked body and held her close, breathing in her scent: apples, hazelnut, and cinnamon.

"Thank you for not giving up on me," she said softly. "I don't know what I would've done with myself if you had just stopped caring one day," Y/N confessed. Draco gently pulled away from the hug and cradled his girlfriend's face in his hands. "I never  would've stopped caring. Y/N you were all I thought about," he assured her. He watched as her tears began to fall from her eyes. "Don't cry, sweetheart, I'm here now; I've got you. There's no need to cry," he said sweetly, trying to comfort her. But Y/N kept on crying, so he dragged a blanket over his lap and pulled her on top of it. "Look at me, darling," he instructed lightly. She rubbed her tears away with her arm and looked into Draco's eyes.

"I love you. I love you so much. Do not waste your tears on the mistakes of the past. All that matters is that I've got you, and you've got me. Alright?" Y/N continued to wipe her tears and nodded. "Alright. I love you too," she replied.

Draco pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, slid her off his lap, and stood up from the bed. He grabbed some tissues and cleaned himself off before doing the same for Y/N. Then he pulled on his underwear and tossed Y/N hers. As she was getting dressed, Draco strode over to his armchair. In the seat of it sat a small blue book. He picked it up and took it with him as he went back to bed. Y/N was already under the covers; she looked at him quizzically when she noticed the object in his hand. Her mouth opened to speak, but Draco quickly shushed her. He slid under the covers and cozied up next to Y/N. Then, he cracked open the book, cleared his throat, and began to read.

"There was once a kindly old wizard who used his magic generously and wisely for the benefit of his neighbours. Rather than reveal the true source of his power, he pretended that his potions, charms and antidotes sprang ready-made from the little cauldron he called his lucky cooking pot."

The End

Taglist: @beiahadid @pastelpuffbar @cutie1365 @dracoxmgg @lumlfy @sambucky8 @emilianamason @orangecrayon @obsssedwithjustaboutanything @hustlinhufflepuff @goddessofgames @dracocanslytherin8 @superbturtlemakerathlete @raplinethereal @mllzhxrrz44 @dixiethemorab24 @prongsandprancer @azkabanlexi

[doctorbeth]

Stripes the 50 year old tiger

This will be a longer post, because it’s all about the details, and there was a lot of going back and forth with photos and emails to get Stripes and his stripes just right.  So be sure you’re comfy when you sit down to read it. :-)

***************

Stripes person first wrote to me back in December about her tiger, Stripes, and his companion RedEye the snake.  Both were starting to feel their age, but as she said,

“ As you can see Stripes is in the most need of repairs. Personally, I’m guessing that a full recovering is needed, but I’m certainly no expert and will follow your advice.  Here are some pics which show Stripes fur disappearing and soon he will be bald.  Amazingly he has no damage that I can find. His ears need some stuffing, but they have never been tall, firm standing Teddy Bear ears.”

Here are the diagnosis photos she sent:

As you can see, his belly section was pretty good, but his furry parts were wearing and fading.  His person really wanted his fur recovered, in an orangier rather than tanner fur, and she opted for him to have a spa too.

Here he is in his bubble bath:

Once he was dry, he got restuffed and of course, got a heart with a bit of his original stuffing.  Here’s his heart being made:

Then it was time to choose furs.  As some of you know who’ve been reading for a while, usually with tigers we use a solid fur of the preferred background color, then add the stripes by hand afterwards.  Here were the best fur options:

His person opted for the orangier, furrier one.

Stripes got recovered, and some smaller wounds on his belly were sewn.  Then, it was time for hand striping.  I did some basic  striping, and then sent photos for feedback:

His person’s first response was:

Beth, you’ve made me cry at work.  I’m absolutely over the moon with Stripes new look!!!  Holy cats he’s looking beautiful!!  You are AMAZING!

But I was asking for striping feedback, and she happily provided it:

The stripes.  Thank you for being so conservative. :) I would like to add some more stripes. I’ve included an updated pic that shows where I would like some stripes added.

Tail:   Could you put 2 stripes in a ring pattern around the tail? They continue the black spots you started. I also noticed with other Gund tigers that the ring was painted at a slight angle or sprayed as 2 “halves”, not a straight ring that looked like a raccoon’s tail. (pics)  I know that there was more black at the tip of the tail, but I don’t think the whole tip was black.

Back Leg:   I’ve continued your 3 spots into stripes.

Body:  I’ve added 2 stripes, but if you will notice stripe #2 is in the shape of a ‘V”. (I remember this detail as a child)  The stripes do NOT have to line up with the fabric underneath.  They didn’t before.  :D

Face: I’ve added a short stripe above Stripes’ right eye. This detail always gave him a slight serious look without being mean. (not a lot of slant to the line, if any) I have always loved this detail about him.  And I’ve elongated the stripe on his forhead.

Beth, I’m pretty sure we will be adding some more stripes to the back, especially his head but I thought we might tackle this bit first.

She closed with:

Again, I just absolutely can’t thank you enough for your beautiful and loving work on my best friend. I have been showing people the before and after pics for the last 5 hours.  I’m so happy!!!

So back to drawing stripes on Stripes I went.  Here are the next batch of photos:

Stripes person was thrilled:

Stripes looks spectacular!!  I mean he is just awesome with the stripes that you’ve filled out.

She wanted just one more stripe.  She sent a photo, but it was in another format, so I won’t put it here, but she also described what she wanted very well:

So I just have 1 more stripe for you.  If you look at my pic, you will see that I’ve drawn a line over the small black dot that is on his forehead.  In the last pic you sent me you can still see that it’s just a spot and not a stripe.  Could you lengthen that spot into a stripe for me?

Please note the position. When you are seated facing Stripes, this stripe includes/starts at the black spot and runs towards the right.  You have a pretty stripe that’s higher on the head already placed on the left so this one goes off to the right and is the same length as that one.

Adjustment made, I sent another photo (you can see the printout with her line instruction next to him):

Her response:

Perfection Achieved!  I’m so so happy!!!!   How many exclamation points can I put in an email to show you how perfect Stripes is!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Stripes got packed up and headed home to a grateful human and snake.  Here he is at home with his pal, RedEye:

His person was soooo happy!  She wrote a very long thank you, with a history of Stripes and RedEye, and I don’t want to edit it, so I’m copying it entirely here for you to read.  But you can skip it if you want and just know she was happy!

Hi Beth,

Sit back and relax.  This may be a little bit of a long happy read.  :D   Please feel free to use any content or pics from my emails for your blog.

I waited anxiously for Stripes to arrive.  Yes, my husband signed for the box and I couldn’t wait to get home!

And so the moment has arrived.  I brought Stripes best friend Redeye in from the bedroom to help me open the package. We open,  I close my eyes dig in past the packing peanuts and pull out our best friend.  Oh My Goodness!  He is beautiful! bright! and colorful! He practically glows! I see his face. Yes, yes! It’s Stripes!  I see the same face I’ve gazed into and loved for 50 years. And that’s when the tears start. Crying, mouth open in shock but my husband says he’s never seen me happier.  ..After many long years, I can finally cuddle my friend again.

Beth you have given me back something I thought I would never have again.  I love Stripes so, but I couldn’t, didn’t dare to pet him or cuddle him. I had to be so gentle, so afraid that I was doing more damage to him. But now all that is over!  I can sleep with my buddy by my side. I can take him on vacations again!  I’m tearing up just writing this.  I can’t express my joy…absolute joy over the work you have done. Stripes looks like a beautiful and bright toy again.  Thank you Beth.  Thank you so very much.

…And I’ll be sending Redeye to you some time in February.  I’ll be sure to email you first to start the process.

And here’s a little history about Stripes.  Stripes was a Christmas present in 1969. I have always loved tigers and I was in deep love the moment I saw him. He has enjoyed play tea parties with me, and watched drive-in movies sitting in the back window. He has looked over the candy hauls that I collected during Halloween and been in a beautiful oak tree during the crisp dry autumn. (Carefully placed on a towel, but he needed to experience a tree. He is a tiger after all.)   He has been with me in Japan for a year and traveled all over the US northwest  looking out of a train window. And he has done all these things with Redeye by his side.

--But let’s face the facts, in the last few years my friend was disappearing before my eyes. There was good fortune that his seams were okay but the fur was coming off. His stripes were completely gone in areas. He was looking more yellow everywhere. And I dared only to pat him. That’s when I began to search for help to restore my friend and so I found Realms of Gold on the internet.

Beth has been wonderful, corresponding with emails and working out details by sending pictures back and forth. She listened to my input and was absolutely amazing at applying the stripes in the right places. We actually discussed exactly where to put them.  :D  I trust Beth’s skills so much that I will be sending Stripes best friend Redeye along soon.  He was amazed and so happy with Stripes look, that he can’t wait to go to Realms of Gold!

Okay Beth, this may be a little serious but I wanted to express my honest feelings, and let you know why this has been so important to me.

With my 2 stuffed animals loosing hair and looking tired a sobering thought occurred to me. If something happened to me, what would happen to them? We have no children to give them to. We can’t donate them because being so worn out, no one would take them. And the thought that they might end up in a garbage bin was too much. Of course for me, my goal was to pet, play and enjoy them again.  That goes without saying.  But now, seeing Stripes beautiful bright colors, I am happy and secure in knowing that years from now, I can donate or will him to a children’s home where he will continue to be loved. (I have several friends who grew up in orphanages and we think it’s a wonderful idea.)

Thank you so much Beth!!!!!!

I don’t know about all of you, but that made me smile all day. :-)

[mypoisonedvine]

Love, Theoretically | Sebastian Stan x reader (Chapter 5)

(chapter 1) (chapter 2) (chapter 3) (chapter 4)

series summary: having lost your husband, sister, and best friend all to the same extramarital affair, you ran away to a secluded villa in the Hungarian countryside to write and get a little time away from the life you’d left behind.  you were only looking for peace and perhaps some inspiration for your novel, but instead you found an unlikely connection with the immigrant repairman– even though the two of you don’t speak the same language.

word count: nearly 2.5k

warnings: vague description of a wet dream, some sensual implied stuff (??), 

moodboard and inspiration credit to @evnscvll​

In all your life, you’d never had a wet dream.  Not even in high school when so many of your peers were coping with puberty and budding sexuality in similar ways— not even when you’d wanted to have one about David Kapoor, the cutest guy in senior year who didn’t even know you existed but that you were somehow convinced was going to fall madly in love with you one day.  

It never did work out for you two, but you’d finally managed to have a wet dream.  This one, though, was about Sebastian.

In your dream he had cornered you in the kitchen, kissing you deeply before tossing you onto the table and— well, the rest doesn’t bear repeating.  It was all very ‘discount bin romance novel’ wasn’t it?  The exotic, rugged farm boy roughly taking the formerly-prudish businesswoman in the middle of the house, too deep in the throes of passion to care if someone walking by saw them.

You didn’t find it all that sexy by the time you woke up; moreso just humorous.  That’s preposterous, you thought to yourself, nobody’s ever gonna love me like that.

It was something your husband had said to you once.  You couldn’t even remember what the context was anymore, but clearly it had had an impact on you to be repeating it internally now.  Just last week, Mrs. Alberti had gotten on your case for speaking poorly of yourself.  Clearly, the things you said about yourself to others were nothing against what you said about yourself to yourself.

Your papers had only taken a day to dry, but the ink was pretty severely smudged.  Knowing your publisher wouldn’t accept them in a manuscript, you resolved to retyping the most damaged ones— a good mindless task to do while you pondered your next steps plot-wise.  You’d seen Sebastian less for the past week, and it was no accident; you’d been avoiding him because you were trying to nip this in the bud before it got any worse.  Your divorce isn’t final yet, you need to heal.  This is fantasy, not reality.  You barely know each other.  Your divorce isn’t final.  Your divorce.  Isn’t.  Final.

That was the mantra you found yourself repeating as you retyped the waterlogged sheets; so much for the plot-pondering plan, eh?

You heard someone coming up the stairs, and you knew it was him because the steps were coming too quickly to be Mrs. Alberti.  “Come in,” you instructed before he’d even knocked.  

“Bună ziua,” he greeted as he opened the door, leaning inside.  “Am pregătit cina, ai vrea să mănânci?”

“Hm?” you asked as you turned around in your chair, adjusting your reading glasses.  However, his question became more obvious through context when you saw he had oven mitts and an apron on, and was holding a wooden spoon.  “Oh, um, I’ll be down for dinner in a minute.  Soon.”  You held up a few fingers, hoping he would successfully interpret them into minutes.

“Arăți bine în ochelarii aceia,” he motioned, pointing towards you.

“I’m sorry… what?” you asked, not sure at all what he could be talking about.

“Ochelari. Sunt drăguți,” he re-emphasized, but it was useless as you gave him another confused look.  He sighed, straightening up a bit as he began a new method: “Îmi plac,” he said, pointing to himself and then giving a thumbs up, “ochelarii tăi,” he pointed to you, and then made circles with his fingers and brought them up to his eyes.  

You laughed a little, but you were pretty sure you got what he meant.  “You like my glasses?” you clarified, reaching up to wiggle them on your face a bit.

“Da,” he grinned.  “Pari inteligent.”

“Thank you,” you nodded, and he nodded back as he shut the door and his footsteps faded back into the kitchen.

Once a few more pages had been redone, you gave your hair a quick combing before heading down for dinner with Sebastian.  It smelled a little strange by the time you went downstairs, but when you swung open the door to the kitchen, you were instantly hit with a wave of acidic air, forcing you to wince and cough.  Even that didn’t help much, and you forced your eyes shut as they stung.

“Jesus Christ,” you yelped, “the fuck are you cooking?  Tear gas?!”

“Oțetul te irită?” he asked, not sounding as concerned as you would’ve hoped considering your obvious pain.  It was like you could taste it in the air, and it wasn’t until you managed to open your burning eyes again that you realized what it was: vinegar, in a huge jug right next to the pot he was boiling it in.

“You’re boiling vinegar?” you realized incredulously.  “God, Europeans are fucking weird.”

He just looked back at you with bewildered bemusement.

“In America,” you tried to explain, “we don’t eat vinegar.  We clean our floors with it.”  You pointed to the jug and made a motion meant to indicate scrubbing a surface, and he laughed a little.

“Americanii sunt prea sensibili,” he dismissed with a wave of his hand, turning back to the stove to stir his pot of disinfectant which he apparently planned to serve you as a meal.  “Am avut ciorbă de oțet de când eram copil.”

You’d typically considered yourself an adventurous eater— even with vinegar-pickled things, like kim chi which you’d learned to acquire a taste for— but this one put you to the test.  Considering the smell alone had singed your sinuses, you were nervous what would become of your innocent tastebuds.  But after he served the soup (a dark orange color, so apparently it wasn’t just the boiled vinegar) into a bowl for you and another for himself, you found the taste of it oddly pleasant when you sipped it gently from your hesitant little spoon.

“Vezi, nu e așa de rău,” he smiled gently as he watched you fail to recoil in disgust from the flavor.

“Just like ma used to make, huh?” you chuckled as he ate the soup with incredible speed, even going as far as to lift the bowl to his lips and drink the last few sips that way.

Eating dinner in silence with him was unexpectedly comfortable.  “You wanna know something funny?” you found yourself mumbling aloud.  “I enjoy talking to you more than anyone I ever did back home, and you can’t even understand me.”

His smile softened as he stared back at you, apparently sensing the change in your tone as you spoke.

“See, right there, that’s it: you’re listening to me.  You know it’s useless, you know you won’t be able to tell what I’m talking about, but you’re listening anyways.  Over two billion English speakers on the planet and none of them have listened to me like you do.”

Then you heard yourself, and it was so heart-breaking that you had no choice but to laugh.  It was just a chuckle at first, but then you couldn’t stop it, even when you realized how confused Sebastian would be.  Everything is funnier when you know you shouldn’t laugh, and soon you could barely breathe as tears warmed your eyes from the force of it.

“I’m sorry,” you tried to spit out between your fits of laughter, but it was barely comprehensible anyways.  Sebastian began to laugh with you, if hesitantly and with a hint of confusion.

“De ce râdem?” he asked gently.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, calming down a bit, “I’m sorry I just… I was just imagining what my husband would say, if he knew I was here…” you trailed off as you laughed again, starting over.  “If he knew I was here, falling for someone I’ve never even spoken with.”  You shook your head, resting your face in your hands as you chuckled lightly.  “Oh, he’d hate this.  He’d tell me I was out of my mind.”

With a slow sigh, your laughter subsided as you wiped the wetness from your eyes.  

“He’d be right, but… I don’t really care,” you decided.  “He’s not here.  If he wanted to find me, he would.  And maybe it’s because he’d hate this that I’m having so much goddamn fun doing it.”

When you looked at Sebastian again, his face was serious, yet anything but stern.  Suddenly, you weren’t thinking about your husband anymore.  Of course you logically understood how odd this all was, how impossible it was for you to be slowly finding yourself in love with someone like him, but it felt right, and true, and real.  It made no sense, and yet it made perfect sense in every way that mattered.  

“I’ll help you clean,” you offered as you stood up, realizing you’d gotten lost in your train of thought and probably stared at him for a bit too long.  He stood up with you, helping you gather the used dishes and letting you wash them in the sink while he put the remaining soup in the refrigerator as leftovers for another time.  “I’ll cook for you tomorrow,” you promised, “something real bland, like the English cook.”

“Sper că nu intenționați să gătiți pentru mine cândva, nu suport mâncarea occidentală,” he mumbled as he continued to wipe down the countertop with a damp towel.

With the kitchen clean, you knew you should get back to writing your book, but you were compelled instead to read somebody else’s— so, as you slipped onto the couch with one of a few of your favorites that you’d brought with you, Sebastian summoned the same copy of Dracula you’d seen him reading a few times and took the loveseat.  Not much else happened after that, save for you shivering from a draft and him tossing a throw blanket on you.  

“Ce carte citești?” he asked you eventually, breaking the silence.  When you looked up, he was pointing at your book.  “Book?”

“Right,” you laughed, “I taught you that.  My book, uh, it’s good.”  You closed it, leaving your finger inside to mark your place as you showed him the front cover.  “On the Road?  Ever heard of it?”

He just cocked his head to the side.

“Jack Kerouac?” you continued.  “It’s about going on a long journey in search of… freedom.”

“Acesta este cel despre zombi?” he asked.

“Sure,” you nodded, wishing more than ever that you could know what he was saying.  He smiled and got back to his own reading.  Indulging yourself for a moment, you watched his face as it fell into a neutral expression while he read, his eyes trailing along the page as he continued to read.  You didn’t realize it, but when you returned to reading your own book, he got his chance to look at you.

A long day of writing meant you had more than earned an evening to relax by the fire; late summer became early fall, and early fall turned into the need for a fireplace so much faster than you’d anticipated.  The days were temperate, sure, but as the sun began to sink lower, so did the warmth.  You started your evening with a hot shower, though you didn’t let yourself get too greedy with the limited supply of hot water, knowing Sebastian relied on the same supply for his own baths.  When you finished, you dressed yourself in a fluffy lavender robe, feeling especially pampered when you put on a little moisturizer before heading downstairs to cozy up with the fire.  You were already getting chilly, the heat from the shower fading as your wet hair and bare feet cooled you quickly.  Therefore, it was more of a scurry to the fireplace, which you hadn’t expected Sebastian to be tending or you wouldn’t have come down in a robe.  He’d seen you in less (namely, his shirt and nothing else, which was horrifically embarrassing) but something about this felt more intimate, like all your defenses had been washed away in the shower, too.  Didn’t help that he was shirtless, again.  Wasn’t he cold in this weather?!  Must be all that muscle keeping him warm.

“Bună seara,” he greeted.

“Good evening,” you returned.  Stepping closer, you rubbed your hands together as you felt the hot air radiate towards you.  “It’s nice,” you sighed contentedly.

He smiled back at you, moving the logs slightly with the iron poker.  Sparks jumped and fell off as he shifted them, joining the ashes below— you’d always thought fire was so beautiful, even if it was dangerous, and you took in a long breath through your nose to smell the tinge of smokiness in the air.

“Te încălzești?” he asked quietly as he set the poker aside and stood beside you.  You wrapped your arms around yourself, rubbing through the fabric of the robe to try to warm up a little faster.  Seeing you shiver, he reached out and rubbed your arms for you, which made you tense up slightly before relaxing and breathing out.  “Mai bine?”

You nodded a little, your gaze drifting slightly.  

“Warm?” he asked, making your eyes jump back up to his.  You swallowed dryly as he looked back at you.

“Warm,” you repeated, “yeah.  Good job… when’d you learn that?”

He didn’t answer, watching your hands as they reached out for his arms, finally making delicate contact with his tanned skin before drifting up to his biceps, his shoulders, and finally his chest.  He put his own hands on top of yours and held them there, looking back at you as your heart started to beat rapidly and with no signs of slowing down.  “Warm,” he repeated, only slightly above a whisper.

“Oh yeah,” you agreed hoarsely, “very, very warm…”

He smiled a little; it wasn’t mischievous, it wasn’t conniving or predatory or malicious.  It was subtle but gentle in a way you had absolutely no plan to save yourself from, no protection, no armor, no neutral territory.  There was only heat, so strong that your toes weren’t cold anymore and you didn’t even remember that your hair was still damp.  Not only did you let his heat consume you, but you didn’t even think to stop it, to swallow your desire down, to run away and say goodnight and hide in bed from the icky scary feelings.  No, you looked right back at him and let those eyes pierce right through you, that cold blue changed entirely with the warm firelight reflecting in them.  

“Do you want to come to my room?” you asked slowly.  The words were useless, but a glance back to the stairs that led to your door and back at him asked the same question with much more efficacy.  

He nodded, and you stepped backwards as he followed you: across the house, up the stairs, and to your room.  You opened the door.  He shut it behind you. 

[supremeinlilac]

Three’s not a crowd, especially when it’s us (1)

Summary: Its just part one idk what to say? oh, its a slow burn :) The idea came to me at 4am and I’ve just ran with it, it was initially going to be like 4 parts, and now its probably more like 10.

Word count: 2546

Warnings: mild language 

You weren’t quite sure how you’d managed to get through 2 months of being at Miss Robichaux's without accidently revealing your true ‘power’ to anyone. You thought that Ms Goode, of all people, would see through your bland lie about setting your families house on fire being the reason you’d ended up at the academy’s front doors. Instead, she’d simply nodded at you with a kind smile and a tour of the house.

You’d met all the witches, heard stories about the house and how this was now one of many schools like it that the Supreme had opened since rising. Some of the other houses were for the young witches and were more discreetly placed to avoid the inevitable hate crimes that witches still faced, while some were for the older women who’d always been taught to hide in the shadows and supress themselves rather than flourish. You’d fallen into the middle, gifted witches that were brought to learn under the Supremes’ close guidance and protection.

Your first night had involved sitting beside the fireplace with Zoe and Queenie, who were asking of your abilities and showing their own with stories of before Cordelia’s reign as supreme. You were awed by Queenies voodoo abilities, laughing at the time she’d stabbed her hand with a fork when Madison was being bitchy. You insisted she show you sometime. Madison was back at this point, you’d yet to meet her as she was off on some trip but Zoe had already advised you to stay clear. They weren’t even sure how she’d got back from hell, normally she would be the first to brag about something like that, but apparently she’d kept relatively quiet about it.

You’d met Ms Venable the next day, after hearing hushed rumours from the other girls about her sharpness and generally how they were all scared of her intimidating grandeur. She’d given you your lesson timetable with a quick flick of her eyes down your body at your state of undress when you’d come to the door, barking about having some decency. Her striking features and the perfect peaks of her red hair had you scrambling for something coherent to babble back to her as she turned and left you, mouth agape and staring after the strike of her cane on the ground.

Although Ms Venable had no magical abilities of her own, she was no less admired and feared among the other witches at the academy, her quick wit and sharp tongue more than compensating and aiding in her looming dominance. She prided herself in teaching the girls practical non-magic skills and subjects that they could put to use in due course when their time within the school’s halls ran out.

The girls had whispered and giggled to you about Ms Cordelia having a thing for Ms Venable, because of how she used to flush and stumble over her words in the presence of the woman. You hadn’t noticed in your brief week at the academy, mainly due to not having seen them together an awful lot in that time.

Over the weeks you found yourself watching their fleeting interactions, mentally noting the way Cordelia would shift under her gaze at the breakfast table. How she would be the first to pick up the fallen cane as it clattered to the ground; never using her telekinesis for it either, she would go out of her way to get up and retrieve it, small smile and glances exchanged as she did so.

You understood why the girls had picked up on Cordelia’s feelings for the redhead, but you were surprised at how they’d missed the obvious way Ms Venable would soften when she looked at Cordelia teaching when she’d walk past the open classroom door, or the way she’d grip her cane until her knuckles whitened when she caught one of the girls imitating the Supreme. You thought it was obvious, maybe it was just you. Maybe it was just that you’d grown rather fond of her and liked to observe the small habits that she’d do when annoyed or relaxed.

It was clear they didn’t just like each other, but that they were together, whether they formally declared it or not, to you at least; the lingering touches and glances when they thought no one was looking.

Over your weeks at the academy, you’d grown to appreciate the time you were able to spend alone with either women. You were always the first to volunteer your time in the greenhouse or to carry files for Ms Venable when she walked past a classroom with papers balanced precariously in one arm.

Cordelia had developed a soft spot for you, as an eager and caring student. You’d laugh and mess around with the plants in the greenhouse and share stories of times when your magic hadn’t quite gone to plan. You’d become infatuated with her laugh on one of these nights, when she’d let down all barriers and just enjoyed herself without worry.

Once, and at the time you’d totally thought yourself to be completely pushing your luck, you’d arranged a dinner for the pair of them out there, hauling Wilhemina’s chair outside from the kitchen so that she would be comfortable. You’d known that they’d both been stressed and hadn’t had much time for themselves away from the hum of the girls. Happy as always to oblige, you’d thought they’d appreciate the small moment to enjoy a meal together in the peace of Cordelia’s safe space.

They did, of course. Although it was only the Supreme who voiced her thanks, squeezing your shoulder tightly while Ms Venable shot you a momentary smile and a nod of approval. Since then, you wanted nothing more than her approval again.

***

At the dinner table, Madison had made some offhand remark about your magic which had sent ripples of barely contained laughter down the table. You’d looked up to Zoe who just gave a sympathetic grimace and a shrug, everyone else just continued sipping at the soup, an occasional slurp breaking the quietness. Everyone was so used to Madisons comments and attitude that they just took to ignoring it in uncomfortable silence.

You were not used to it. You didn’t understand why everyone could just sit and let her berate people as she did, you’d been brought up in kindness and empathy. Pushing your chair back, you emptied the contents of your bowl into the bin before quickly leaving the kitchen, guilty faces watching you leave. Cordelia shifted uncomfortably in her seat, knowing as the headmistress and supreme she shouldn’t stand for the way Madison talked to some of the girls, but she knew that aggravating her further would be a worse idea. Wilhemina’s hand came to settle discreetly on her thigh, squeezing slightly and grounding her in a silent way to tell her that it wasn’t her fault.

You’d slipped out into the greenhouse to let of some steam, moving objects around and letting yourself set random balls of paper on fire safely as an outlet for you to bubble your frustrations out through magic. After having done so, you settled into one of the chairs in the corner, pulling your knees up to your chest and resting your chin on them.

It had been Ms Venable who came through the doors to find you, heaving a sigh as she lowered herself into the chair beside you and balanced her cane against the arm. She sat rigidly, as always, hands clasped in her lap and one leg balanced over the other. Allowing herself to observe you, she took in your slumped shoulders and tired face which you hid in your drawn up knees.

“Cordelia sent me.” She stated, straight to the point as always, and you lifted your head in acknowledgement.

She’d lied, Cordelia hadn’t sent her. The supreme had actually wanted to come herself but Wilhemina had said that she’d go, that she needed to talk to you anyway; but she’d never tell you that of course. She had a stature to uphold.

You sat in uncomfortable silence, neither one knowing what to say to put the other at ease. Wilhemina didn’t really know how to start conversations with anyone apart from Cordelia that didn’t begin with a barked command or condescending jab.

“Ignore Madison. That insolent girl needs to be put in her place.” She quipped; lips drawn into a thin scowl before softening as you looked up at her. “From what I’ve seen and been told, your magic is coming along quite nicely. You should be proud of your progress.” She added quickly, suddenly finding great interest in the hanging plants that Cordelia had been tending to over the past few days: a new addition to the greenhouse.

“No. she was right. I’m not upset about Madison; I’m upset because no one knows me. Not really.” You mused, an appreciating smile gracing your lips for a second at her words. It wasn’t that you were overly affected by Madisons words, it had just served as a reminder to how you were keeping everyone in the dark.

“What do you mean?” She asked softly, as soft as you’ve ever heard her talk, hand reaching to draw your knees out from under your chin so you could uncurl to speak to her properly. You inhaled a shaky breath, fingers digging crescents into your knees as you prepared to tell her the thing you’d been hiding for months.

“Promise you won’t get mad?” You asked hopefully, knowing it wasn’t something she could, or even would want to promise to you. She shook her head shortly, “you know I can’t promise you that.” Pushing it to the back of your mind, you decided to just blurt it out; now or never so to speak.

“I’ve been keeping my natural power a secret. I lied on my first day. I- I didn’t set my house on fire.” You admitted, head hanging shamefully and tears pricking at your vision. You didn’t need to look at Wilhemina to see the scowl that would inevitably be forming to replace the slight smile she’s had, at your stupidity.

“And you didn’t think Ms Goode needed to know of this?” watching you in disbelief, shaking her head and tutting. “You’ve been here long enough to know better, missy.” She scolded, making to get up by bracing her hands firmly against her knees and reaching for her cane.

You scrambled off your seat, frantically holding your hands up in front of you towards her in an attempt to stop her from going. Your hands found purchase on her wrists and you guided her slowly to sit back down, pushing slightly when she protested.

“No, no please- I mean, don’t go.” You pleaded, eyes wide, squatting in front of her so you could fall to a kneel, making sure your face was in her line of vision and she could see how scared the thought of having to tell Cordelia of your dishonesty was making you. Shuffling in place where you knelt, you quietly muttered your thanks when she settled back against the chair.

She scoffed audibly to make you aware of her distaste at the current situation but made no attempt to move your hands from where they now rested near her hands on her knees, or even to suggest that you move them yourself. Accepting that you weren’t going to let her leave until she’d listened, she let her curiosity pique and, raising her brow in question, she asked you shortly.

“What ability is so embarrassing that you decide to keep it from us all for so long? Lord knows it can’t be as bad as being a human gluten detector.”

You appreciated her dry attempt at humour to deflect from the uncomfortable silence you’d fallen into. Fidgeting your fingers against the fabric of her skirt, you remembered a dream you’d had where you’d told Zoe of your power and she’d turned the whole coven against you. Brushing it off, telling yourself that Zoe would never do that, you continued to admit to Ms Venable.

“I’m not even sure of it myself, I can’t find a name for it anywhere. I don’t even know if it has a name.”

“So it’s rare?” Wilhemina seemed to strike an interest then, straitening up and raising her eyebrows as if to prompt you to continue. She did this until she seemed to remember that she’s meant to be uninterested and she forced herself to scoff and reached to tweak her earring deftly between finger and thumb.

“It will have a name. Incompetence is the reason you cannot find it.” She stated coldly, lips pursed in intolerance. “That or your just looking in the wrong place,” she added, noting the way you looked down at your trembling and twitching fingers when she was mean.

You paused, having a momentary realisation of what you were doing before the thought was swiftly pushed to the side of your mind by the familiar pull of your magic at your fingertips.

“C-can I show you?” you blurted, almost clamping your hand over your mouth at your unexpected boldness.

“You most certainly will do no such thing, it’s not me that needs to be aware of your abilities, it is Ms Goode that you need to show.” She barked, defensiveness coming back out at your request. You tried not to take it to heart, knowing that that was just her way. Not that she would ever tell you, but Wilhemina felt a lot more secure talking about magic with Cordelia present, where she knew she wouldn’t be judged for having a less secure knowledge of the field. She liked to always be the most well versed in the room, hated to be spoken at about a topic she was new to.

“I can’t show Ms Goode without you.” You tried to explain, an itch of annoyance bubbling under your skin when she laughed at you again mockingly.

“I can’t show Ms Goode without you.” She mimicked, face pulled into a grimace which made you scowl, and exaggerating the words to a degree that just felt excessive, even for Ms Venables constant condescendence.

Your mouth fell open. You couldn’t believe this woman’s nerve.

Something suddenly snapped in your head at her incessant mocking and the condescending tone she used, and you found yourself moving your hands quickly from her knees to her hands, linking your fingers tightly before she could even react. You watched her eyes raise in surprise and the cocky smirk fall from her lips as she attempt to pull away unsuccessfully.

“What are you- get your hands off me!” She exclaimed; voice higher than normal in surprise as your quick movements caught her off guard.

You closed your eyes, trying to block out the way her hands pulled within yours and the sting of her nails digging into the delicate skin of your palms as she tried to free herself. The heat of your magic burned under your skin, the annoyance you felt only serving as a fuel, directing all your power towards the woman in your grip.

When you felt the snap of your magic release, Wilhemina let out a cry of pain and you almost stopped.

Almost.

***

  Part 2

Just to clarify, your powers do not involve giving people orgasms lmaoo. I will never try to leave anything on a cliffhanger ever again rip.

taglist : @pearplate @billiedeansbottom @pluied-ete @extraordinarilycelestrial​@toujours-ensanglante​@mssallymckenna @okpaulson  @magnificent-paulsonn @shineestark​ @commanderspeach @grilledcheeseandguavajelly @amethyst-bitch​​ @its-soph-xx​,,if you want to be added just send me an ask :))

[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction | Call Me When It’s Over [Song] [Request]

BTS X GN!Reader

A/N: Hope this is okay foryou sweetie! I also hope they make sense!! There won’t be a part 2 to it since it is a song reaction! Sorry guys! I tried to keep it as different from one another as possible x

WARNING: Contains themes of cheating, poor relationship skills, forgetting anniversary,

SEOKJIN: I know at times I’ve made mistakes, wish I could blow them all away

The clock on the wall ticked over and over again and yet Jin still hadn't come home, it had been over four hours since he was supposed to show up and yet he still wasn't here. So much for a happy anniversary. That morning you figured Jin was in a rush to get out of the house in time for work so he could come home earlier for your anniversary but as you sat at the table you realised it wasn't true. You blew out the half-melted candles that were sitting on the table and began to clean up the cold food, putting it into the compost bins before taking the dishes over to the sink to wash up. Normally if Jin was running late you would get some kind of message to tell you but tonight there was nothing. There hadn't even been a text from Jin that day wishing you a happy anniversary which led you to believe that he had forgotten.

"Babe?" You didn't even glance over your shoulder as Jin called out to the house, you didn't even want to have to turn around and look at him right now. It wasn't as though this was the first time it had happened and you knew it wasn't going to be the last. Maybe this is what you should have expected, you knew what his lifestyle was like when you began dating so you couldn't be mad at him forever.

"I know I'm late home, I'm sorry." He whispered as he walked up behind you and placed a small kiss on your cheek thinking you were just mad at him for being late home but you didn't react to his kiss. You did your best to keep your attention on the dishes in front of you but Jin wasn't going to let you stay mad at him forever. He tried to get it out of your what was wrong but you wouldn't answer him. You just stepped away from the sink once the dishes were finished and began to head in the direction of the bathroom he followed after you. Sprouting off different apologises as you continued to ignore him since he clearly hadn't realised what the day was and what it was you were upset with him about. 

"You have to talk to me sooner or later," Jin told you as you laid down in the bed beside him, snuggling down into the sheets as you hummed in response. This was the first time you had even acknowledged that he was even in the house with you and he felt somewhat relieved even if you weren't talking to him.

"Do you even know why I'm upset?" You asked as you continued to lay there together, staring at the ceiling in silence as you waited for the penny to finally drop. 

"I was late-"

"It's our anniversary." You cut him off and Jin's face fell flat, he stared at you as you continued to stare up at the ceiling ready to go to bed but Jin wasn't going to let you. He sat up and turned on the lights, 

"Babe...I-I'm sorry, I don't know what I completely blanked." He mumbled as he turned to look at you to make sure you were okay. You shook your head mumbling to him that it was okay and you were used to it but he refused to let that be. He took your hand in his own, 

"I'll take some time off, I'll make it up to you...I know I've made mistakes in the past and I know I can't blow them all away but I will try to fix them..." He promised as he looked at you with a sad expression on his face, you smiled weakly and leant across to kiss him on the lips softly. 

YOONGI: Won’t you believe me when I say I’m so much better now I’ve changed

Yoongi sat across from you in the small booth of the cafe you were sitting in, he had a guilty look written across his face as he locked eyes with you for the first time in three months. Three months since you walked out of your shared apartment and never looked back at him again. Three months since it felt like your whole world had come crashing down around you. Now you were sitting across from him as you waited to hear what he had to say to you after all this time. 

"What did you want to talk about?" You asked as you played with the charms that were attached to your small bracelet, doing anything to distract you from reaching out to touch Yoongi and hold him. The gut-wrenching feeling of being in the same room as him for the first time was starting to eat you away from the inside out. Today was supposed to be about dropping your items off to one another and then leaving but he wanted to "talk" to you. Taking you into a small cafe where he could possibly buy you and drink and talk but you ordered a taxi the moment you got inside just to have the excuse to leave.

"I wanted to see how you were doing..." It was the truth. Yoongi wanted to see how things were going after your break-up. Unlike you, Yoongi seemed to be doing really well. It looked as though he was getting some sleep instead of lying awake every night wondering where it all went wrong. In a way you wanted him to feel the same pain you were feeling but you knew deep down inside of you that he wouldn't be since he'd been the one that ended everything.

"I'd be lying if I said I was okay..." You admitted to him as you looked out of the window behind him, your taxi had pulled up five minutes ago and the driver looked as though he was getting impatient of waiting for you. Tapping his hands on the wheel and checking the time every couple of seconds.

"Yoongi if that's all I have to leave-" As you went to stand up your placed your palm flat on the table but Yoongi stretched out his hand to touch you, running his hand over the top of yours for the first time in months. The usual sparks you would feel when he did that had gone, it was left with nothing but a dull sensation where his hand was resting on your skin.

"Won’t you believe me when I say I’m so much better now? I’ve changed..." The words left his mouth but you just stared at his hand on top of yours you just slowly removed your hand from under his and looked over at the window trying not to give into him. 

"People don't just change over the space of three months Yoongi," You mumbled as you began to twist the bracelet off your wrist before dropping it into his hand and turning to leave the cafe. 

"But I have, I've changed and it'll never happen again..." The It that he was referring to was the fact that he had cheated on you multiple times while he was away on tour. Different people, different times but always when he was away from you and on tour with the guys. Leaving you to find out through multiple private messages with people with evidence of what he had been doing. Then when you confronted him he had the nerve to deny it all before finally admitting to everything and telling you it would never happen again. But that was what they always said.

"That's what cheaters always say," You whispered before leaving out of the door and never looking back at him again. If you turned around you wouldn't be able to trust yourself not to give in and go back to him but you couldn't do that to yourself. It wasn't worth going through all of the heartbreak and trust issues all over again just because he told you that he had changed.

HOSEOK: Call me when its over, tell me when you’re done

Another crash sounded as Hoseok stormed his way through the house during your fight with one another, he was your best friend and boyfriend of a month but that didn't mean that you never fought with one another. Couples and friends fought all of the time and just because you and Hoseok had been friends for years didn't mean you didn't fight.

"Hoseok you're blowing this out of proportion," You mumbled as you watched him scoff at you and shakes his head at you not believe what you were saying to him. 

"How could you be so stupid?!" You ignored his insult about being stupid as you bent down to pick up your ex-boyfriend's things that Hoseok was kicking over. This was what the fight was about because you were continuing to let him keep his stuff with you despite him being an unfaithful arsehole to you and you moving on with Hoseok. You and your ex weren't friends and it wasn't as if you saw him in the apartment. He just kept all of his junk there because he was too lazy to move it out.

"He needed somewhere to keep his stuff..I-I couldn't kick him out onto the street Hobi that isn't me." You told him as you looked over at him with pleading eyes, Hoseok knew it wasn't in your nature to be mean to anybody even people that hurt you which was what annoyed him the most. It was as if you didn't care that people walked all over you as though you were a back doormat. He knew there would only be one way to get through to you and it was through tough love. 

"Call me when it's over Y/n and you're done playing into his games." He called out as he went to storm out of the house the only thing stopping him from leaving was your hand around his wrist. Begging him not to leave you like this, 

"You need to get him out..." He whispered as he turned to look at you, you had tears in your eyes as you pleaded with him to stay with you. 

"B-But he has nowhere-" As you were going to give him the same excuse again he dismissed it by taking your hand off his wrist and went to open the door.

"Then I won't stay-" You slammed your body against Hoseok to stop him from moving and you sobbed softly, 

"I'll pack it all up and tell him I won't keep it here anymore." You promised him as you kissed his back softly waiting for him to turn around and embrace you. 

"I'm sorry I made you cry," He whispered as he turned around in your arms and hugged you tightly, kissing the top of your head as he promised to help you whenever you needed it.

NAMJOON: I heard you’re seeing someone new and I hope he treats you good

Namjoon thought it was your voice when he heard it, he turned around to see you standing with your friends as you waited in line to get something to eat. He was in the small cafe in the middle of Seoul with the rest of his band members for the day and he hadn't even expected to run into you. The moment he looked at you and knew that it was you in the cafe it felt as though his world was slowing down and you were moving in slow motion. He kept his eyes trained on you as you turned around and smiled brightly at your friends. Your eyes catching Namjoon in a glimpse as you turned to him, 

"Joonie?!" You cried out after seeing your old best friend after almost seven years. Seven years since he left to make it big in the world but there was something no one besides you and Namjoon knew and that was that you weren't just best friends but that you had dated.

"Y/n?" He called out as he opened his arms for you, allowing you to run and jump into them as he took you into a warm embrace. Smiling at the thought of holding you in his arms again, he breathed in your scent and smiled to himself. 

"It's been so long!" He announced as you pulled away from one another staring at each other as your friends watched awkwardly from behind you having no idea who he was. 

"I know, I've missed you. How are things?" He smiled as he began explaining how things were and then asked you the same thing. As if he didn't already know how things with you were going. His friends were still in touch with you so he'd already been told about your great news. 

"I heard you're seeing someone new, I hope he's treating you good." He laughed softly and you nodded at him, raising your hand to show your engagement ring to him. 

"He treats me great, are you seeing anybody?" Before he could answer you Jimin called his name from their table and you smiled awkwardly, telling him that you should catch up again sometime soon quickly jotting your number down onto the back of his hand before scurrying off in the direction of your friends.

"Was that them?" Jimin questioned as Namjoon made his way over to their table, sitting down with a blank expression on his face. 

"Yep," He announced casually as he glanced over in your direction again, you were leaving the coffee shop without a second thought about Namjoon. Happy in your own world.

"The first person I ever loved," Namjoon whispered as he looked back down to the table and shook his head at himself. 

JIMIN: Hope it don’t go the way it should, hope he don’t treat you like I could

Tonight was supposed to be a nice night out with friends but now Jimin was spending it anxiously watching you as you threw your head back in laughter at something that Hoseok was saying to you. It probably wasn't as funny as you were making it out to be. What was he thinking? He knew that he was supposed to be happy for the both of you since you'd just announced that the two of you were dating but he couldn't help but feel hurt by it. Betrayed that two of his best friends would do this to him right behind his back. Jimin had been your best friend since both of you could remember and he'd been in love with you since he even knew what feelings meant but he'd never been the one to tell you. Now watching you with Hoseok he wished he would have told you, he hoped Hoseok and you would end soon so that he could show you how you were supposed to be treated. 

"You okay there?" You giggled as you noticed that Jimin's grip on his glass was getting so tight that his knuckles were beginning to turn a white colour. He snapped out of his daydream and nodded at you, 

"Perfect." He lied as he looked down at the liquid in his glass instead of at you and Hoseok, Hoseok's arm was wrapped around you tightly as he held onto you. Deep down Jimin knew there was no use acting like an immature teenager but he couldn't help but feel this way about it when he was watching the two of you together. The small kisses, and touches here there and everywhere just seemed to fuel him more jealously than before. 

"Do you want to get some air with me? It's stuffy in here," You whispered as you leaned closer to Jimin, wanting to give Hoseok some time with the boys while you went to hang out with Jimin for a while. 

The two of you stood outside while you tried to catch your breath, Jimin looked at you as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip. Wondering if he told you now that he wanted to be with you would you hate him? If he kissed you right now, would you hold it against him. 

"You've been so quiet, that's not like you Jimini," You tried to bring some conversation to the air but your best friend just seemed to brush it away as though it was nothing when you could clearly see there was something playing in his mind. 

"Jimin you can't lie to me-"

"I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you and I don't want you and Hoseok to be together." The world seemed to come to a crashing halt right in front of him as he stared at you waiting for you to say something. Had he even said it out loud? You were just staring at him in silence as the door to the bar opened and Hoseok appeared, 

"Everything okay babe?" He questioned looking between you and Jimin as you stood there in silence staring at one another.

"Yeah. Jimin was just leaving." You mumbled as you turned to join Hoseok at the door but Jimin took hold of your wrist, 

"Don't. Jimin, just go before I tell him what you said...I thought we were friends...Friends are supposed to be happy for each other." You mumbled as you took your wrist out of his grasp and heading into the bar, leaving Jimin staring at the door as he closed behind you.

TAEHYUNG:  I can be the shoulder, the shoulder you cry on

Taehyung sighed to himself as he saw you laying there on the dorm sofa as he walked, he'd heard you fighting with your boyfriend over the phone and he waited until he knew you had hung up to walk inside. 

"Hey," He whispered softly as he placed a mug of hot chocolate down onto the coffee table in front of you and forced you to sit up, sliding himself down onto the sofa so your head was laying on his thighs. 

"Hi." You mumbled as you sniffled a little, trying not to sound as upset as you were over the fight you had just had. Whenever you would fight with your boyfriend Taehyung would be the one that was there for you no matter what. Even if he really wanted to beat up your boyfriend for always playing around with your heart. See the thing is, Taehyung had been in love with you since you were ten years old and running around the playground together. Growing up together and becoming the best of friends even as adults. 

"I don't get it, I try so hard and he just blows it up in my face," You sobbed as you sat up on the sofa and laid your head on Taehyung. He sighed as he moved so he could comfortably wrap his arm around your, wanting to do his best to comfort you in your time of need.

"He's an idiot if he doesn't see what he's missing out on," He whispered as you continued to cry into his shoulder and shake your head. 

"You'll make up though, you always do." He whispered again but you sat up and stared at him while shaking your head. 

"Not this time...He's with someone else." Taehyung's blood began to boil at the thought of your boyfriend moving on to someone new when you'd only just had a fight. 

"What?!" He yelled out as he began to get red in the face with anger, you placed your hand onto Tae's shoulder to calm him down but it was past the point of calming him. 

"How could he cheat?!"

"I-I know he was with her...H-He said he wanted to try and an open relationship," Suddenly Taehyung had his anger directed at you at the mere thought of letting your boyfriend do that to you.

"Why would you let him-" He didn't bother to continue with the question when he saw how upset you were, his mind went numb at the thought of you allowing someone to hurt you like that. 

"Sometimes people hurt the ones they love," You whined out but Taehyung shook his head at you,

"I love you and I would never hurt you..."He whispered without realising what he was saying out loud to you for the first time. 

"But you don't love me the way he does..." As soon as Taehyung heard the words leave your mouth he knew that it was now or never. He either had to tell you now that he loved you or hold it in for the rest of his life, 

"You're right. I don't love you the way he does, I love you with all of my heart and I would never do anything to hurt you." The world seemed to slow down as you lifted your head from his shoulder to look into his eyes. Without a second thought you leant closer to him until your lips touched and kissed him, worries about your ex-boyfriend slipped from your mind as Taehyung wrapped his arm around you and laid you down against the sofa.

JUNGKOOK: I’ve only got myself to blame 

Jungkook stared at you as he watched you packing everything up into boxes and bags getting ready to leave him and the dorm room. Your best friend was sitting in the car waiting for you and ready to give you the "I told you so" speech that she'd no doubt had planned from the moment you told her about your deal with Jungkook. The deal being some college game where you pretended to date one another, the first one to fall in love loses, the first one to say "I love you" was out on their ass. You figured you could win, before Jungkook you were cold-hearted and didn't care about anyone else but there was just something about him that made it all so different. He made you feel things that no one had ever made you feel before and you thought you had the same effect on him.

"What did you think was going to happen?" Jungkook remarked in a cocky tone as he continued to watch you pack up everything, his voice used to send butterflies to your stomach but now it sent shivers down your spine. Tossing all of the cute items you got on your "dates" and all of your clothes into a box you moved past him, choosing to ignore him as you wanted this to be over as soon as possible.

"That I would tell you I love you back? It was all a game remember," If you'd have known how cocky and arrogant he was going to be after you told him that you loved him you never would have told him. Not that you should have told him in the first place, it could have continued on but you knew ultimately you would have ended up hurt a lot worse than this. As you were about to turn around and say something your best friend spoke out, she'd been wondering what was taking so long and came to make sure you weren't begging Jungkook to love you back.

"Leave it alone Jungkook." She snapped as she stood in the doorway of his dorm helping you take your bags out to her car as she waited for Jungkook to say something she could snap back at him for. The speech was still ready in the back of her mind but she was going to wait until you'd at least had time to heal from Jungkook before telling you that she told you so. Everything between you and Jungkook had felt so real, it felt as though he loved you back but now you knew better. You knew he was just playing a different angle of the game so that he could win at it. 

The door to his dorm shut and you were sitting in the front of your best friends car waiting for her to pull out of the driveway and take you home so you could cry in peace. 

"Y/n-"

"I've only got myself to blame," You cut her off as you put your seatbelt on and stared out of the window watching the passing traffic and streets. Doing anything and everything to keep your mind off of Jungkook.

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