#just radiating anxiety but too depressed to even do anything about it or even half care | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justmeinadaze · 6 months

Text

"I'm Just a F**ked Up Girl Looking For Her Own Peace of Mind"

I'm currently experience this and struggling with it so I wrote a little thing here. *sighs*

TW: Mental health (anxiety and depression), child abuse, mentions of suicidal thoughts. Reader has a breakdown and the guys help her through.

Eddie firmly barreled open the front door as he powerwalked into the house. Steve had texted those two words he dreaded every time he got a text from the former jock.

“Bad day.”

When they started dating you, you told them about your past. About the hospital stay and medication… the depressive lows and manic anxiety episodes… the thoughts that pushed through your head from time to time even though your life was so much better now than where it had been.

“I’m not…easy…to be with.”

“That’s ok, honey, neither are we.”

You three had laughed at that at the time.

The first time they experienced it broke their hearts for you. People always mentioned “feeling depressed” or “oh I’m so anxious about this thing!” but they discovered the true meaning of those words during your first break in front of them.

They hadn’t moved in with you yet so you were able to hide the fact that you hadn’t been sleeping. Your mind constantly reminding you of things that needed to be done and how you were a failure for not doing them. Nightmares plagued your dreams at all hours so you just gave up, scrolling through your phone instead as the mental illness continued to whisper.

“Do better. You’re lazy. May as well just get it over with and end the burden you put on people.”

That following evening you had a date night with them at their place and you couldn’t cancel. You genuinely wanted to see them but you were so tired…

“A good girlfriend goes out on dates. Go ahead. Cancel. Let’s see how quick they leave you for someone better.”

Through the first half of the movie they put on, your leg never stopped moving. Steve watched as your eyes never stayed focus in one place. Eddie felt your erratic energy radiate off you as you switched from holding his hand to letting go every few minutes.

“Baby? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah.”, you responded a bit too enthusiastically. “Yeah, Ed, I’m fine. I’m just…I’m just a bit tired. It’s ok. I’ll get over it.”

Steve paused the film and as his hand petted your head you broke down.

“I’m sorry. Fuck! Why can’t I be normal?! I’m ruining everything. You should just leave me and find someone better.”

“Hey, hey. No. Sweetheart, no one is better than you.”

“Talk to us, honey. What’s going on?”

You sobbed as you told them what had been happening over the last few days. The listened intently, comforting you anyway they could think of in that moment.

“They don’t go away, Steve. Those thoughts never go away. Most days I can manage them but they are always there. W-Who can I tell? If I tell a therapist or a doctor they will put me back in the hospital even though I’m not going to do anything… I can’t tell my friends because I feel like I’m burdening them or they just don’t care. I can’t tell people in general because then I’m being ‘overdramatic’. I can’t take time to heal because I’m supposed to ‘suck it up’. So I do… Eddie, I want my brain to just stop telling me I want to die because I really don’t. Some days, though, on bad days…it’s so loud…”

The metalhead yanked you to his chest as you cried, crying with you as he tightened his grip as if he could squeeze all your broken pieces back together. He’d give anything to take your pain away, they both would.

Today was a manic day and Steve picked up on it fast. Today was his day off and as soon as you woke up, you barely said a word. He asked you if you wanted breakfast and you shot him an angry look as you walked away. Turning on the tv, he put on the game but after a few minutes you came around the corner snapping at him to turn the noise down. Even when he muted the sound, he could hear you growling and swearing under your breath as you moved around the bedroom.

Other people would see it as you being a brat; causing drama for the sake of drama.

You wished you could make the world understand that was the opposite of what you wanted. In an episode like this everything was just…amplified…and for some reason your brain insisted it was on purpose. Steve was purposely turning up the volume to get under skin. The birds chirping outside knew you were on the edge so they gathered outside your window with intent. Even the clock on the bed side table was mocking you.

Both men tried to handle days like this by themselves but when it got to a certain point, they knew they needed to come together to help you. That point came when you abruptly screamed and threw something hard against the wall.

When Eddie entered the bedroom, Steve was off to the side watching you as you angrily paced, fluttering your fingers with eyes squeezed tightly closed.

“What happened?”

Your eyes open at the sound of his voice as you shrugged and threw your hands in the air.

“What happened? What the fuck happened?! Oh, I don’t know. Where do we start, Eddie?! This house is a fucking mess. I tell you guys all the time I need fucking help! I’m not a maid! I’m your girlfriend! But who fucking cares right?! We can just live in trash and be unhappy!”

They knew better than to respond. Before you three moved in together, you had suggested they come to therapy with you and they were surprised with some of the things they learned. They and even you knew they were more than accommodating when it came to housework and splitting household chores. When you were growing up, however, it was never enough.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, look at this mess! Did you do anything today?!”

Little you looked around at the immaculate living room wondering what else you could have missed.

“I work and I slave all day at a job I hate so you can have food and a roof! The least you could do is fucking get off your ass and clean a bit!”

“I-I’m sorry, mama.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just do your job! We’re a team remember? I need you to pull your weight.”

They could almost see interactions like that replaying through your eyes and it killed them. They also saw how fast the logic brain took over as you realized what you were doing before the depressive brain abruptly took over.

“I’m sorry. I-I don’t mean to… I know I’m being crazy…I just…” You lean your back against the wall and slide to the floor with your hands over your ears.

Both men descend with you, crawling closer to you and as soon as Steve’s hand touches your bicep you head shoots up with eyes full of tears.

“I’m sorry. You two don’t deserve this. I’m a terrible girlfriend.”

“No, baby, you’re not terrible. Everything’s ok.”

“I-I-I appreciate…e-e-every…everything you guys do. Fuck. Everything is so loud, Eddie. I can’t… I couldn’t…I just wanted to scream…”

“Then scream.” You laughed at his response as you wiped your eyes but he insisted. “I’m serious, sweetheart. Just let go.”

“What about…about the neighbors?”

“Like they don’t get an earful almost every night.”, he jokes, grinning when you laugh again. “Go ahead. Just lean back and let loose.”

You roll your eyes as you do what he says but it’s a small shout that barely echoes in the room.

“Wow. That was both adorable and pathetic. Come on now. Steve, why don’t you try?”

Chuckling, he struggles to stop smiling making you giggle harder before finally closing his eyes and letting out a good scream that makes the metalhead clap.

“That’s the king of Hawkins right there! Now try again princess.”

Sighing at his antics, you do as he says actually letting go while they scrunch their face and cover their ears.

“Woo! That was like Banshee from X-Men! Way to go!”

“What about you, nerd?”, you ask as he smirks.

Eddie doesn’t even hesitate as he leans his head back and howls loudly like a wolf.

“I love you both.”, you softly grin as you reach for both boy’s hands. “I’m sorry for being…me.”

Wrapping his arms around your shoulders, Steve tilts you closer to him and kisses the top of your head.

“Don’t ever apologize for being you, honey. We love you. Every part of you.”

“We know everyday you’re trying, baby. Unlike your mother who insists on being an evil little gremlin.” You giggle at Eddie’s interpretation. “Like your wizard of a therapist said, healing takes time and we’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“Jesus, Munson, you ARE a nerd.”, Steve jests. “But the other stuff he said I agree with.”

“Oh please! Tell me her doctor doesn’t sound like Gandalf from time to time.”

“I still have no idea who that is.”

After rising to his feet, the metalhead grabs your hands and pulls you off the floor.

“Well, I know what we’re doing tonight.”, he announces with a mischievous smirk before kissing your lips and running back towards the living room.

“I’ll make dinner.”, Steve murmurs as he leans down to kiss your lips as well.

“Oh, you know he won’t allow that. He’s going to want you in front of the tv so you don’t miss anything.”

“True. Hm. How about Enzos delivered?”

When you nod, he caresses your cheek before disappearing after his friend.

As your eyes glance around the room again everything seems different than it did before. Instead of seeing a mess ridden, dark empty area, you saw a bright room filled with memories of the men you loved making you laugh and feel loved unconditionally.

“But for how long? It’s only a matter of time.”

“No, it’s not.”, you whisper.

Taking a deep breath, you head towards the living room where Eddie and Steve greet you with a comforting smile.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #joe keery #joseph quinn #steddie drabble #steddie au #mental health #mental health is important #you are not alone #you are loved #you matter #you are enough

110 notes · View notes

phoenixyfriend · 4 years

Text

The Naruto/Frozen Crossover

So I was planning on just doing an image ID thing for this post, but apparently the formatting on desktop is such a mess that it’s easier to just make a new post that’s text only. I can also like. Bulletpoint it so that it can be a little neater. All ideas were made with @firebirdeternal‘s help, because they are the most efficient enabler I have.

Also I added some bits at the end.

Under a cut, because it’s Long As Heck.

I originally had two options: either Mid-teens Elsa and Anna being transported to ninja land sometime pre-canon and running into Haku and Zabuza... or just like. Born as a Daimyou's daughters.

Spoiler alert, we’ve got nukenin and I’m a sucker for an intrusive crossover, so transported to ninja land it is.

Suggestion from Birdie:

Mechanism for crossover: Elsa ices over a Wishing Well by accident after having Wished for someone else who understood her, Anna and her fall in and get Ice Mirror Portaled to Ninjaland, falling out of an iced over pond near a shrine that Haku recently prayed at for similar lonely child reasons?

Which I like! They don’t end up there soon enough to run into Haku, because I want a dramatic chase first, but I like it.

Obviously, Anna is forced to learn about Elsa's powers because it's the only thing keeping them safe

Or at least alive

(Elsa will do ANYTHING to keep Anna safe, and if that means she has to get her hands dirty...)

...neither of them knows Japanese, so, you know. There’s that.

I'm thinking that they end up in/near Kiri at first

And they aren't FAST ENOUGH to get away so Elsa panic-enchants a giant reindeer made of snow to run away across the suddenly-frozen ocean.

She and Anna have to ride and Elsa is probably crying the whole time.

Oh shit this is like. RIGHT after their parents die, I forgot. So that’s a thing! They are in mourning and all that fun stuff.

Point is, they use the powers for a Self Defense thing and BBY Haku is just !!! "Master can we rescue them for Ice Cousin reasons?" Zabuza: Yes, and only for those practical reasons and not because I collect endangered children like people collect pokemon cards.

I imagine that maybe they track rumors of a Yuki-onna down, or the Giant Snow Reindeer rides by and Haku’s just like Wat

The girls just tag along with Zabuza because. Like.

Do they like him? No. Do they trust him? No. Do they enjoy the fact that he considers them pathetic civilians? No.

However, Haku is Baby.

Zabuza is REALLY annoyed at them being Useless Civilian Royals “but Haku likes them so I guess they can stay.”

Age at meeting, three years pre-canon:

Zabuza - 23

Elsa - 18

Anna - 15

Haku - 12

Elsa is 90% anxiety/depression master combo BUT if Zabzua protects her then she's WILDLY dangerous so like. Whatever

Elsa's bingo book nickname options, uninspired:

Winter Witch

Winter Queen

Ice Queen

Snow Queen

Something about a Yuki-Onna maybe

She's Very Stately and kinda breakable but Winter is her Bitch

I mean like, the fact that, if protected, she can shut down the agriculture of a fucking country? That's an S-rank even if she's not that useful in a fight.

She's like. Jinchuuriki-level destruction. Generally speaking she wouldn’t. But she could.

Elsa: What the fuck is a chakra? Elsa: my snow monsters are self-sustaining. Elsa: I'm gonna build us a house.

Zabuza has NO idea how her powers work and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating but “there’s no chakra cost to keep these things going and we have shelters on demand” is too convenient to question after a while.

Haku: Delicate, deadly, incredibly fast ninja work. Elsa: I can't dodge a kunai but watch me wreck your entire country's ecosystem in under a day.

Elsa is a siege weapon.

Meanwhile, Anna is really, really into the physicality of ninja practice.

She's clumsy and she's not very good at ninja stuff, but she sure is determined!

Anna also gets on Zabuza's nerves because she keeps insisting that Haku get to be a kid.

Anna: Let's make flower crowns! Zabuza: No, he needs to train, not- Anna: FLOWER CROWNS

Consider: Haku saying Elsa-nee-sama and Anna-hime.

Or just calling Elsa “onee-sama.”

Anna is also younger than Elsa and way more Fun so she probably gets adjusted to Anna-chan or Nee-chan.

If Zabuza calls Elsa “Hime-chan” or “Elsa-hime” or, Sage forbid, “Elsa-sama/dono” then he’s VERY MUCH making fun of her and he’s probably getting his soup frozen that night.

At one point, Elsa... tries to like. Convince herself to have a crush on Zabuza or Kakashi or something until Zabuza just puts a hand on her shoulder and asks "do you even like men?" "...that's an OPTION?"

Zabuza urging her to try and ask out a Cute Kunoichi and Elsa's like.... I can't decide if she's bright red and a useless lesbian or uncomfortable and ace.

I am SO invested in the siege weapon thing.

SHE IS THE SQUISHIEST WIZARD.

It's not her fault that every single other combatant on the continent is Massively Dangerous in melee! She took a very traditional back-line build!

Enemy: Doesn't it GRATE to protect someone so pathetic, Zabuza? Zabuza: She literally froze an entire castle of enemies to death because they harmed her sister, so. No.

Most Ninjas: Sharp Knife. S-Rank Mega Ninjas: Gun. Elsa: High Yield Explosive Rocket Launcher. Literally loses fights to the Knife People, because she can't bring her power to bear on that scale. But if you can give her Time and Prep? No contest.

Long distance AoE

Like you know how Nagato is literally dying of starvation due to illness and can't walk, but he's also capable of leveling powerful villages more or less on his own?

Elsa is the same Vibe.

It’s like sealing a bijuu in a civilian.

She's honestly both more and less powerful? Like it'd be hard for her to kill everyone in Konoha in the snap of a finger? But also, she could starve out the Country of Fire in a summer.

She WOULDN'T, but she could.

I always read Elsa as gay or ace but my brain keeps trying to ship her with dude ninjas and I have to yank it back on a child leash.

People insinuate that Zabuza is interested in Elsa and he's just "What? Ew she's like five."

"I'm eighteen."

"Five."

BUT

Elsa! Might mistake trust and companionship for a crush!

I can see THAT happening despite gay/ace.

Also like. I don’t think Zabuza is straight.

So mlm/wlw solidarity?

And Haku is probs genderqueer.

So Anna is THE TOKEN STRAIGHT.

Anna is like, the Straight Friend who will go to the mat for her queer friends. Like vicious. In-your-face barking like a mean dog at people who were being bigots.

You know how Elsa in the second movie uses her powers to make toys for kids out of ice?

Okay, so her practicing by making things with Haku.

But yeah, Elsa can't really do "throws ice senbon," but she can do Delicate Geometry Things since she apparently, canonically studies math for fun and loves fractals.

Haku: I can trap you in a prison of ice mirrors, and you are at my mercy. Elsa: LOOK AT THIS CASTLE I MADE???

Haku wants to do Pretty Things like Elsa

OH.

Elsa makes... snow bunnies..

For the ninja distraction reasons but also because it's a Soft Thing that makes her feel better about, uh, everything. And Haku likes bunnies.

Zabuza still takes The Dirty Missions but Elsa gets upset when he does something that hurts innocents and Nobody wants Elsa upset. Even Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset.

When Elsa gets upset, overnight accommodations are suddenly Very Uncomfortable for everyone except her and Haku.

And then Anna gets upset, which makes Elsa even MORE upset.

And then things just keep getting colder.

Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset for many reasons, not limited to: "Is actually capable of killing me from outside of Sword Range if she's mad enough, even if it’s not that easy" and "the Small Children would be unbearably sad if she died and honestly so might I."

She's more of a friend than a ward and he's not entirely sure he's okay with that.

Zabuza: "Ew, friendship."

He has absolutely no idea how to have a social interaction with people he isn't Bullying, Raising, or Threatening to Kill.

Elsa and Anna have no trouble convincing people they're related, at least. Different coloration with almost identical bone structure.

A tendency to burst into song when they feel emotions.

Identical weird accent that nobody can place.

FOOD

The girls are royalty, they don't know how to COOK.

But they also want food from HOME.

It's a lot of trial and error.

More error than not, since they have both no knowledge and also a language barrier to overcome. It probably takes YEARS before they can describe things like Unfamiliar Flavors well enough for people to say "OH that sounds like spearmint."

When they run into something they know that’s familiar, it’s life-changing.

Chocolate is more common in the elemental nations than in Arandelle and Anna may or may not cry about it.

Anna is loudly bossy, even at Zabuza.

Zabuza is gruffly commanding, to everyone.

Elsa doesn't actually like being in charge, but when she talks, people LISTEN.

(Haku is just happy to be here.)

Elsa radiates two things: Anxiety, and Natural Command, and she basically just fluctuates between those.

"I don't want to be in charge but also I'm vetoing this."

So, obviously, the main reasons that Zabuza keeps the girls around is that Elsa is a living siege weapon and he thinks she could be convinced to help him run a revolution in Kiri, and also that the Ice Queen schtick is like. Really good for Haku and Zabuza can’t really say no to the kid.

HOWEVER, Anna is clumsy and messy and all that, so Zabuza starts training her in Ninja stuff. Elsa joins in on the “I need to know how to Run Fast to get away from fights I don’t want to have in the first place,” but Anna’s the one that’s like “TEACH ME HOW TO SWORD.”

It’s honestly not that hard to teach her, she’s just really, really, REALLY enthusiastic.

Once or twice someone asks why she’s so bad at this yet running around with an A-rank nukenin and Zabuza’s just like “I’ve only had her for a year and a half, shut up!” because it’s not that he’s a bad teacher, it’s that she was a very pampered civilian until like a week before he met her.

He should get a MEDAL for even getting her to low Chuunin.

Zabuza: I'm taking a job from Gato Elsa, who has Training in economics and politics and bureaucracy: I have a better idea.

This is actually not entirely what I’d do but I wanted to make the joke first ANYWAY here’s an actual plot or something.

Oh, also by this point everyone is Canon Ages so Elsa’s 21 and Anna’s 18 and Zabuza’s 26 and Haku’s 15.

Elsa is getting paid to keep the water from interfering with construction, by way of....

ICE COFFERDAM

Elsa with Haku as her Guard while Zabuza is off running his own mission? Which Anna begged to go on because Cool.

Elsa also kind of keeps her involvement on the ice front semi-secret by claiming she’s there as an engineering consultant.

LISTEN canon made her like geometry, I can ENTIRELY believe she’d be excited about the bridge-building.

Gato has hired someone else on the danger level of Zabuza, who is Threatening to Team 7 + Haku? But then when things look bleak Anna and Zabuza arrive and then Scary Sword Man is on our side and oh dear that's a lot of blood.

Which, you know, fun!

Birdie suggested Raiga which I’m not feeling but I do feel the need to bring up as an option.

It’s also not Kisame BUT

Kisame: [giant lake dome filled with sharks]

Elsa: uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Giant lake dome: [is now a giant ice dome]

Anyway

Gato: I'm hiring an army. Elsa: [giant ice wall around his compound] Gato: ... these guys can walk up walls! Elsa: [adds snowman guards] Elsa: ... Elsa: [adds a ceiling]

Just puts Gato's entire mob in a fucking snow globe.

Zabuza shows up twenty minutes late with (Throwing) Star(buck)s just like "Oh, they dead? No? Want 'em to be? Okay cool I'm gonna go pick up Haku, I'll be back in like an hour."

Anna would... LOVE Naruto

ENERGETIC FRIENDLY GOOFBALL

"I found us a baby brother!" "No, we already have Haku." "BUT LOOK AT HIM."

Anna is only a year or two older than Itachi.

OH RIGHT

I wanted to make a joke about how Naruto also vibes with her because he's less judgmental that she can't really... talk properly.

Sasuke is Judgy and Kakashi is Paranoid and Sakura is Uncomfortable.

Meanwhile Naruto is just like "And I Shall Scream."

Anna, who learned Japanese from Zabuza (rude) and Haku (uber polite): WELL FUCK YOU, GOOD SIR Naruto: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO, LADY Elsa, overly formal: I am... so very sorry.

Anyway, generic missing nin fights and all that.

Elsa gets injured in the process and after a variety of arguments, Naruto manages to convince them to take her to Konoha for medical attention.

Elsa is... usually the one getting injured.

Zabuza and Haku are FAST and Anna is at least learning (even if she’s only been doing it for three years), but Elsa is The Squishy Wizard.

If someone throws a kunai... she can’t... really dodge...

So yeah, gut wound.

Normally they find a nukenin medic to patch them up but Konoha is reasonably close and has some of the more skilled medics on the continent and they DID technically help the Konoha nin so like. Gah.

That’s Zabuza’s final thought. Gah.

Just “Fuck it, let’s save the ice queen.”

Elsa ends up in a half-literal-ice stasis state on the way there and it’s happened before (it is not the first time she’s been stabbed), but it’s always terrifying.

Especially to the Konoha genin who are just like WHAT THE HECK IS THAT.

So they get to Konoha, there’s a whole bunch of stuff about extradition treaties and “you are bringing a literal WMD of a woman into our town” and “we can’t just let MOMOCHI ZABUZA in.”

Anyway, it ends up being that Zabuza has to wait outside the village while Elsa is treated inside, and one of the Teenagers goes in. Obviously, it’s Anna, because Zabuza is INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE with letting Haku enter a village that’s known for having lots of bloodlines, and anyway, Anna’s the sister.

Bunch of stuff, she’s healing, etc, and then one day Anna comes in and is told “your sister had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, we couldn’t save her, I’m sorry, she’s gone.”

She flips out, gets shown the corpse, flips out MORE, gets escorted out to the village walls where Zabuza and Haku are waiting.

Horrified reactions

Zabuza doesn’t want to admit that it’s EMOTIONS because this is his FRIEND, he is clearly just upset about losing the living siege weapon.

Haku is just super confused and goes “But she’s not dead.”

“What.”

“She’s not dead, I can feel her, I can always feel her, it’s like sensing but just her, because we’re both ice. She’s alive, somewhere over... there?”

And points right in the direction of the Hokage Mountain, which for the purposes of this fic and also Drama is where ROOT headquarters is.

YEP we absolutely have that plot point.

Is Danzo overused as a plot device? Probably. Am I going to diabolus ex machina him anyway? Ye.

They kick up enough of a fuss that the Hokage gets called down.

He wouldn’t, normally, he’d leave it to a couple of skilled jounin and call it a day, except Naruto got involved so like. You can’t. Ignore that.

There’s lots of shouting.

Just like. A lot.

And then part of the mountain explodes!

AS ONE DOES

Elsa comes flying backwards out of the hole, catches herself on a spontaneous ice slide, gets to her feet.

Girl is swaying like MAD.

There are absolutely ANBU (both fake and real) coming after her.

At least one of them gets speared through by an ice spike.

Anna runs up to her, tries to hug her, gets batted away.

Elsa’s staring at her in sheer TERROR and starts muttering something about how Anna died years ago, this isn’t real, etc.

Nobody except Anna understands most of it, but Haku picks up enough to translate when Anna’s freaking out.

Elsa starts doing her Ice Castle thing in the middle of Konoha as a coping mechanism, mostly so she can get Up and Away and Shielded By Ice.

This is not a good look.

Especially because she’s singing, which Zabuza always thinks is a bad omen because it means shit is getting real and one or both of the girls are about to get a powerup or be beaten even harder than otherwise. When they start singing, things get More Dramatic And Extreme).

(Zabuza does not like Disney Musical Rules)

Danzo shows up.

There’s a bunch of arguing.

All the medics insist that nothing she was given at the hospital should have caused amnesia, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, etc.

It’s. Not hard for Hiruzen to guess what happened.

Namely that Danzo, upon finding out that chakra dampeners didn’t do shit since none of Elsa’s powers come from chakra, decided to keep her drugged up and start using genjutsu to make her more malleable.

Because like. An injured WMD just showed up in your village. What are you supposed to do, not try to kidnap her and turn her to your side? Like, come on. What was he supposed to do?

Not that, Danzo. Literally Not That.

IDK how it gets resolved, probably Anna getting to her with the power of love, because Elsa is ultimately Super Disney.

I also don’t really know where to go from there other than “Maybe Jiraiya can get you home, but also I’m pretty sure Zabuza wants you all to get the hell out of here and take over Kiri” but who knows.

Also

IMAGINE ELSA MEETING GAI.

Imagine Ino getting a puppy crush on Elsa.

IDK that’s it for now.

#Frozen #Naruto #Momochi Zabuza #Yuki Haku #Zabuza #Haku #mini fic #Phoenix Babbles #Crossovers #Phoenix Posts

325 notes · View notes

strangerobin · 3 years

Text

Rue: Chapter 3 (A Jasper Hale x OC Imagine)

A play of hide and seek.

Writer's note: I had initially intended for this to be a reader insert piece, but it gets difficult trying to write without a name. So I decided for an OC instead lol

“Welcome to Northern Lights Resort and Spa, how may I help you?” Adeline smiled as she welcomed the next set of guests at the front lobby.

She’d moved to Whitehorse where the city was permanently covered with white snow and blanketed by the night sky more than half of the day. Found a part time job at the local resort, rented a run-down flat in downtown. It was cold and dark and it was everything she needed and loved.

Depression always did look good on her, as Tatiana would say.

But Tatiana would not think to find her here, nor Father, or anyone else for the matter. And she was safe, free to wallow in self pity and self loathing; free to ruminate on every last regret she had.

Thursday nights were reserved for movie nights; the local cinema showed sepia movies every Thursday nights, and it was nostalgic to see Audrey Hepburn and Elizabeth Taylor and all those stars again on the big screen, she was always addicted to the motion pictures back then.

She even managed to keep a fling on the side. A young college boy with golden curls, though his eyes were not quite the right shade of brown, his were too dark. And she wished he wouldn’t talk so much of his self absorbed art pieces, she’d rather he talked about the literature he should be reading instead. She’d picked a copy of Frankenstein from the local book store again, and he’d only given it a side glance and never returned to it again. But he was a warm embrace in the dead of the night, so she guess she’ll let it pass for now.

Other nights though, she would walk out alone in the reserves, hunting, mesmerised by the Northern Lights, solar winds from the sun meeting this earth’s atmosphere, deflected by the earth's magnetism to become polar lights that twist on itself to form an array of colours. It made her feel small, reminded her that she did not mattered, that nothing mattered.

“Your rooms are on the fifth floor, the lift is just past the lobby on the right. Please enjoy your stay here.” Adeline recited her lines, directing her guests on their right way.

It wasn’t much really, but mundane was good, habits made her feel safe. She’d managed to carve out a little safe haven for herself in this gigantic world.

It was enough for now.

Until she felt the strangest sensation in her chest. It had begun as a dull ache, so insidious she did not notice when it first started. Not long after, the pain began to come in waves, crashing, clenching at her heart so painfully she was starting to sweat. Adeline clawed at her chest. Mumbling an apology, she quickly ran to the back and folded into herself, sweating dropping down her brow as she tried to make the pain go away.

It didn’t feel so much as a physical pain. Nor was it the usual warnings that her instinct whispered. No, it was something else, something more emotional, something more primal.

What was happening?

It felt as if she was reminded of all the things she had lost in her entire existence, all the grief she could not hold. But there was another sharp tug at her heart, urging her to move in some unknown direction, lest she should regret.

The feeling only seemed to intensify as the seconds passed. And then she knew.

It was coming towards her. Whatever it was that her heart sought.

Just as the doors to the resort opened-

Adeline Ruelle did the only thing she was good at.

She ran.

In the exact opposite direction.

It took them quite a while to even figure out in which direction she had gone. It had taken Alice an even lengthier time to pinpoint which area she might be, scouring all her visions for a single blindspot. It was near impossible.

Jasper’s anxiety was quickly infecting the whole household; everyone could feel the tension in the air, electrifying. Edward and Bella had to take Renesmee to stay in their little cottage; even Emmett had been quiet for most of the days. Jasper mostly kept to himself in his room, oscillating between two extremes, bouncing on the balls of his feet and sitting hunched in the corner, frozen in his thoughts.

“North.” Alice had finally muttered on the tenth day. “Canada.”

From there on, it was another few weeks before the pair managed to locate their target working in a resort in Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada. Tracking her scent, and where the blindspots were appearing, but even that proved difficult. And by the time they had arrived, she had been gone.

Just gone. Her colleagues had no way of knowing where she had suddenly vanished to in the middle of her shift.

They did, however, managed to locate her little flat in downtown.

And possibly a fling or two.

Jasper had simply looked on in distaste at the man, never uttering a single word. Alice was left with the questions.

How long had they known each other? What did she tell him of herself? Did he have any clue where she might go next? On and on and on, which they gleaned pretty much close to nothing for the college boy. Jasper had simply rolled his eyes and stuffed his hands petulantly into his pockets.

Alice though, she did not miss the resemblance the man had with Jasper.

Then they had gone into the flat she had rented. Clearly she had been there before, hastily packing her, possibly, few possessions with her. Except one or two mass paperbacks she had evidently bought to pass time.

Alice watched as Jasper lingered on the little paperback edition of Frankenstein carelessly strewn over the coffee table. Watched as he fingered the cover of the book thoughtfully, then leafed through the pages of the book. When he caught her staring he merely shrugged.

“It was always her favourite.”

She did not miss it when Jasper quietly tucked the book into the pocket of his jacket.

“I do know that for the sympathy of one living being. I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.”

“That’s a little too morbid, wouldn’t you say so darling?”

“On the contrary, I find it exceedingly accurate and befitting.”

“Come now.” He chuckled good-naturedly. “You are not a monster, darlin’.”

“And who’s to say I am not?” She challenged with steel in her eyes.

“Adeline.” He admonished softly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. “You could never be one.”

“And how would you know? Perhaps it is because I hide my fiendish side behind a mask so masterfully that I have deceived the world, and even you.” She hated the shrillness in her voice, the desperation she tried to conceal.

“Sweetheart, only my heart cannot deceive me. You have bared your heart and soul to me and I have seen, have felt the kindness and love overflowing from your heart. How could a monster possess of such?”

“And if I had committed crimes in my past?”

“Then I know with confidence that it was not out of ill intent on your part.”

“You are too kind, Jasper.”

“Am I now? Come let us read something sweeter darling.”

Adeline pouted. “You know it is only my favourite.”

“And I do not understand your morbid fascination of it.”

Adeline huffed in annoyance and Jasper laughed poking her in the cheek. “That being said.”

“The monster was never truly the monster Adeline. It was always Frankenstein. Remember when he said ‘Life, although it may be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.’”

“He loved life more than anyone else, he possessed the gentlest soul and a deep appreciation to life like no other. He deserved to live, to be loved more than anyone else.”

Adeline blinked in shock at Jasper’s passionate outburst and before she realised, a single tear had rolled down her cheek.

“Adeline?”

She leaned forward and to capture him in a passionate kiss.

Adeline awoke with a start. Turning away from the blinding sun, she rubbed her eyes blearily. What time was it even?

Certainly not the 1800s.

Misplaced memories. Huh.

Adeline tried not to let her mind wander back to her dream just now, and certainly not the man of her dream.

It was close to three months after that incident at Whitehorse, She was in Minnesota now, surely no one would think to look for her here. It wasn’t New York or Chicago or Seattle. Nowhere conspicuous, middle of the line, your average American midwestern state. Surely that would provide for some camouflage or something?

No matter.

She had far troubling things to be concerned of right now.

She had been going over it time and again since her flight. The incident at Whitehorse was strange really because in all her existence, she had never once felt that before, the strange pull at her heart. The ache in her chest.

Or not?

Something was goading at her in the back of her mind, to examine the incident closer, to remind her of certain memories she would rather not remember; but she refused to let anything surface.

She picked up her new copy of Fitzgerald - Tender is the Night.

She had a shift at the local bar in three hours. She was determined to be their on time and not go down some damned rabbit hole.

“It’s here.” Alice looked to Jasper as he took in the environment, the rain falling softly beside them in the chilly January night; the lights from the bar, the cheap building. She hadn’t yet met the girl, but Adeline sure did know how to blend in, finding the most ordinary of places to hide amongst humans. Places not too obvious, but also not too obscure, where no one would bother to look twice, or even think to look.

Jasper’s face was grim and his eyes set. He was radiating anxiety, probably without meaning to. She gently patted Jasper on the back to soothe him.

“It’s alright, I’ll go in first. You wait here for my signal.”

He only nodded.

Ducking into the threshold she was immediately assaulted by the barrage of lights and noise; it took Alice a few minutes before she caught sight of a head of brown curls at the bar table chatting with her fellow bar tenders, all the while cleaning glasses. She made a beeline for it.

“Adeline Ruelle?”

The girl turned towards her and assumed a businesslike front, ready to serve. But Alice did not miss the small tremor in her shoulders, the uncomfortable shift in position, subtle and quick as it may be.

Bingo.

She was evidently a master in concealing her emotions, her nervousness hidden behind a reassuring smile, anyone would have been fooled. Except Alice. She watched the bartender closely.

“I’m sorry Miss, we don’t have an Adeline here. I’m Cordelia, perhaps I can get you a drink first while you wait for your friend?”

“Bourbon, if you would be so kind.”

“Just a minute.” She turned to get the drink and Alice took her time to appraise the girl.

She really was beautiful. Alice thought. She might be posing as your ordinary college student/part time bartender, but the way she held herself, her grace and poise, it was something she could never lose even on purpose. And the breathtaking beauty, she stuck out like a sore thumb.

It was no wonder Jasper had loved her so completely, irrevocably in his past life. How could any man resist such an alluring woman? She could not be mad at Jasper for his choices in his past life; and judging by his recounts and the hardworking girl right in front of her, neither had anticipated the whirlwind of romance and the subsequent breakup when they first met. In fact she might just be a tad bit jealous of the bond they shared, she’d never in her life experienced something so strong and consuming. Sure she loved Jasper and no one could deny the love that they shared. But it paled in comparison to one the two shared. She was almost sure they were mates.

It still left her heartbroken all the same.

But then she remembered the first time she met Jasper; we’re not mates but if you would have me we could keep each other company until our mates showed up. I mean, two is always better than one right? It left her conflicted now; she was reaping what she had sowed.

Yet as Alice continued to observe the girl closely, she noted how her coworkers seemed to treat her as if she was just any normal college student. Talking to her, bantering lightly, she threw her head and laughed heartily. To them, She was just the right amount of charismatic it seemed. And her smell…

It was then she realised she did not catch ahold of her scent.

Had she concealed it? Could one even do so on voluntary grounds?

“Your bourbon miss.” Adeline returned, sliding a small glass across the bar table.

“So what brings you here, to Minnesota?” Alice decided to make a strike.

The bartender’s face twitched momentarily. “Pardon?”

“You don’t seem like you're from around here. You don’t look like it.”

“I mean, It’s a free country. Anyone can go anywhere really.” Adeline shrugged.

“Lemme guess.” Alice pretended to think all the while observing the other closely. “You’re from the South, aren't you? Like Louisiana, or Texas.”

“I’ve lived there, yes… but then again I’ve lived almost everywhere really.” The bartended shot her a tight-lipped smile, the stiffness in her posture even more profound now. “Well if you need anything just give me a holler will you? I hope your friend finds you soon.”

It was her.

Alice watched as she turned to smile at her coworkers and then ducked into the kitchen.

She was making her escape.

Well, they can't let her go that easily now can they?

Alice raced out of the bar immediately, searching for her companion outside the parking lot.

But she was only left with an empty parking lot as the wind blew and the rain fell harder than ever.

#jasper hale #jasper hale imagine #jasper hale x reader #twilight #twilight imagine

33 notes · View notes

bbelphie · 5 years

Note

Any hcs about how the MC would comfort Belphie and Levi when they’re feeling down? 💕

don’t mind me i just got a tiny bit sad when doing this and also may have gone a tiiny bit overboard with belphie’s.

rly i got into some sensitive topics that may resemble symptoms of depression and anxiety/mild anxiety attacks. if you’re uncomfortable with it ((or maybe just hits home way too much)) please be careful while you’re reading!

— BELPHEGOR

naps naps NAPS nApS nnnnaps nanapsps nupsnA ps naps nanaps naps

and i’m not even kidding, belphegor just sleeps the sadness away. most of the time. i can relate to that ngl

however, there are times when feeling down that he can’t sleep. and sadly, they’re more common than you’d expect it. before the exchange student event, he would have beel to help him with that, and when he was locked up in the attic, he had his anger towards lucifer to take his mind out of the sorrow.

it often feels like a heavy weight that crumbles over him and stays. especially when he overthinks about his sister’s death.

now, most of these moments are spent alone, because he can’t bring people to worry over him after everything. his relationship with his brothers are still being mend back together. beel can’t always be there for him. even his wrath towards lucifer has dissipated.

belphegor had nothing to occupy his mind with. the thought was almost suffocating.

what else can he do besides finally succumb to the emptiness?

that when he remembers you. so bright and strong, the lovely memory clouds his mind in such a way and all he can think about it’s you, you, you.

that’s when he calls you on his d.d.d with such a desperate voice that belphegor himself was surprised hearing it. the powerful seventh prince of hell felt so vulnerable and open but wasn’t able to think about that with his longing increasing now at a severe rate. he wanted to see you. to hear you voice, to feel your warmth.

when belphegor finally spots you on his door, just a few meters away, he swears he could even feel your warmth radiating in waves. all he wanted to do was crash into you and let it all out.

and yet, he was so scared. he didn’t move a inch after you entered the bedroom. a mist of blue and pink irises stares at you expectantly but he was paralyzed. he did so much bad to you, why did you even...

spoken words aren’t needed to realize that belphegor needed you. you met the demon half way to his bed before his train of thought comes back and he hugs you tightly. and in a matter of seconds, the mighty demon belphegor was being saved by no one else but you. a human. a being he swore to hate until the end of the times. his human.

he felt so safe and welcomed inside your embrace. belphie didn’t need to say anything, neither be understood. you were there for him nevertheless, and it felt like home.

— LEVIATHAN

levi is a mess. anyone would agree about that fact. always rambling and being the shut-in otaku that he is. he’s the dirty weirdo of the family and is not wanted by anyone. or that’s what he thinks.

but lately it’s been worse. everything is just going wrong for him and all he wants to do is curl up on a ball on his bed and cry. but as one of the demon brothers and the third powerful prince of hell, he has things to do. but that wouldn’t matter if at the end of the day he comes back to his precious 2d girls.

however, he wasn’t able to even do that. the week was full with stuff he had to do, and he needs to do it if he doesn’t want to hear another one of lucifer’s discurses about responsibility and respecting diavolo.

it was not, in any way, something he wanted. every meeting, every reunion, every ball full of people that leviathan attended drived him to the edge. the simple thought of being around so many demons and angels makes his skin crawl and send shivers running down his spine.

“ they hate me. why would they want someone like me here? ”

he can feel their eyes on him. judging, gossiping, laughing. they’re all making fun of me. his heart is palpitating so much it feels like it wants to get out of his body. maybe that’s why levi feels like his chest is gonna burst. maybe that’s why his vision is so blurry and he feels like being smothered. and maybe that’s why he can’t breathe.

in a moment of worry, your vision fell upon his form. it was really subtle and he was hiding so well in the ballroom but you could swear you’re seeing his body shaking. as soon you got closer, you realized your suspicions were right. but it wasn’t only that.

you noticed three things first: leviathan was staring at his feet with both of his hands gripping tight on his clothes. his breath was irregular and way too heavy. and if you looked closer, he was sweating.

you say his name once, twice and thrice again and he’s still in a strange daze. on last resort, you touch his trembling arm, softly. and yet, leviathan jumped in surprise with the contact. his eyes — always reminded you of the sunrise you missed seeing so much — finds yours in a worried state. the sight of you relieved him for a single second, only to make him remember the reality of his situation again.

there was fear in his eyes but, he managed to stutter a “what do you want?” though in a very slurring way, just enough to you understand. you take his hand in yours — they’re cold as ice and it makes you wonder if you’re really in hell — to take him somewhere without any people. you know lucifer will scold you, but you also needs to share some thoughts with him as well.

you arrive at the balcony and you can see his tense shoulders shake. all you could do at that moment was hold him tight and whisper encouraging words in his ear while levi cries with his head on your shoulder. surprisingly, he didn’t flinch from your touch. in fact, levi found himself craving it.

levi was so tired. he just wanted to take a breath. everything kept happening and happening and he didn’t had the time to react properly to them. it was like a snowball of bad events rolling down in his direction, about to crash into him.

and it did and it hurted. but he had someone with him to go through this time. he had you. and he couldn’t be more thankful. after some blushing and embarrassing realization that he just cried on you, he will totally thank you properly.

but for now, he only wishes to hear your calming voice and to be comforted by your presence more. to stay with you. just a little more.

#obey me #obey me!#obey me headcanons #obey me! headcanons #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me belphie #obey me belphegor #obey me x reader #obey me! x reader #swd obey me!#obey me! one master to rule them all #obey me shall we date

689 notes · View notes

readyplayerhobi · 4 years

Text

Flower | 20

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, slight angst

; Word Count: 5.1k

; Warnings: Mentions of a car accident, character death, depression and anxiety

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: Boy have I struggled to get round to this. I’m working from home and on lockdown so I’m so bored and when I finish work, I just want to go to bed lol I half proof-read this and I’m posting it a little early! So...<33 as a reminder, the UK went forward an hour last night so the times each which have changed! Please reblog and give me some comments and love! I don’t get much interaction nowadays ;-;

; Flower Masterpost

“So Hoseok was really the first guy you messaged?” His mom asks, a soft smile on her face as she sits down on the couch, eyeing where you sit on Hoseok’s lap in the armchair with an unreadable look. Your stomach feels full from the delicious meal she’d made earlier to welcome you into her home and you almost whine when Hoseok shifts behind you, jolting you just enough to put pressure on your food baby.

For clarity, he was the one who had pulled you onto his lap once he’d sat down in a plush, leather armchair. Apparently this had always been his chair when he’d been living here and he didn’t want you too far away from him it seemed.

“Yeah. Actually, he was the only guy so...either that makes him really desperate or me very lucky.” You can’t help the teasing tone to your voice, the pitch increasing as you giggle when Hoseok lets out an overly exaggerated affronted gasp before gently tickling your sides.

“You take that back. I was not desperate. I waited like...a whole half an hour or something to respond to you.” He points out, lower lip pursing out into an adorable pout and you snort in amusement, flicking the metal ring affectionately.

Turning back to his parents, you shrug lightly as you reach out for your water, taking a sip of the cold liquid before placing it back on the coffee table. Thankfully, they hadn’t seemed too weirded out by your request for just water. You’d found that a lot of people found it bizarre that you preferred that over everything else, but they’d just taken it in their stride.

“He’s right in fairness. One of my best friends, Soyeon, signed up for match.com and she hadn’t filled any of her profile out. Only had a picture and her description was something like ‘I’m not as pretty as my filter makes me look’. Which is a complete by the way, she’s actually way prettier. But in like...fifteen minutes, she had over 100 likes and 30 messages. I know online dating works for some of us,” You give Hoseok a fond smile at that. “But honestly, some of them were just...desperate. I mean...how can you match with someone when all you have is their photo and nothing else?!”

That gets a laugh from his parents and you feel warm relief bloom in your chest; the knowledge that they were laughing with you and not at you was good. It meant they found you funny, which hopefully meant you were making a great impression on them.

“I gotta admit you’re right. I, personally, was never one to go by just looks. My friends can attest to the fact that just because someone looks nice, it doesn’t always mean they’ve got anything nice going on underneath. And by friends I mean me, unfortunately.” Hoseok’s face twists into a grimace and you wriggle in place slightly as you laugh, oblivious to the way he stiffens ever so slightly beneath you or the way his expression tightens for a moment.

His dad notices though, and the loud guffaw he lets out causes both Hoseok’s mom and you to stare at him in confusion. It makes Hoseok’s cheek’s colour though when he realises that his dad’s obviously figured out the reason for his discomfort.

“I hope that’s not referring to me.” Teasingly, you poke at his cheek and smirk when he tilts his head away, whining quietly before reaching up to grasp your finger. His chocolate brown eyes focus on you firmly before he’s waving the index finger of his free hand in your direction.

“Stop fishing lady. You know it’s not you,” You pout at that, eyes going big as you give him a wounded look and he can’t help but laugh at your antics, letting go of your hand to instead place his arms around your waist once more. “I’ve made a lot of really bad life choices, I’ll admit to that. But answering your message was definitely not one of them.”

That has you cooing at him, cupping his cheeks and squishing hard. He says something to you, but his lips are so smooshed together that it just comes out garbled, causing you to baby talk him for a few seconds as you feel the warmth of his cheeks heating beneath your palms.

It’s unbearably cheesy, and if you’d seen anyone else doing this then you’d have been embarrassed on their behalf. But you don’t really realise because something about him makes you be cheesy in a way you’d always cringed at before.

You’re both so involved with each other that neither of you notice the way his parents turn from watching you both to looking at each other. The emotion on their faces isn’t one you would recognise, given you’re not a parent yourself.

But for them, it’s a soul deep relief that paints itself on their face while burrowing into their very being. Their son, their only remaining child, their little boy whom they loved more than anything else in this world and had been lost to them for so long, was happy. His flushed cheeks might indicate his embarrassment but they recognised the happiness he radiated towards you as you played around with him.

And that was to say nothing of the pure love he seemed to positively glow with in your presence. Like you’d hit an internal switch inside him that had been flipped off many years ago. Hoseok had turned a corner in college with therapy but it felt like only now were they really getting to see the little boy that had disappeared so many years ago with the death of his sister.

It made his mom a little too emotional, and she stood up abruptly before leaving the room. The movement was so sudden that it distracted you both from each other, Hoseok’s brows immediately furrowing in concern while you watched after her in bewilderment.

Glancing back at him, you saw that Hoseok had seen the glassy tears in her eyes too. There was a brief pause between you before Hoseok shifted, getting ready to move you off his lap and evidently go after his mom.

But then his dad’s voice spoke up.

“Don’t Hoseok, it’s okay. She’ll be okay. How about Y/N go instead? It might be nice for you both to bond a little or something.” He gives a meaningful look to Hoseok and you get the sudden feeling that whatever had upset his mom was going to be explained to him by his dad. Leaving you to deal with Hoseok’s mom.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Don’t feel forced or anything.” Hoseok says firmly, glancing at his dad for a few seconds before looking back at you. You get the feeling that he’d just mentally reprimanded his dad for being so forceful and expectant but you gave him a slightly tense smile, shaking your head.

Nerves flared in your stomach immediately though, the anxiety rolling around and you shook ever so slightly at the thought of being alone with his mom. She’d been perfectly nice all evening to you, but there was the knowledge still that Hoseok loved her deeply and you’d seen tonight just how much she loved him too.

What if she was angry about what Hoseok had said? What if she didn’t approve of you? What if she was crying because she was upset Hoseok loved you or something?

A brief glance in Hoseok’s direction has him immediately scoping you out, squeezing his arms around you tightly and pushing his head into your neck. At this angle, he can kiss your cheek easily and he does so, freely giving his affection to you as his hands gently soothe.

“It’s okay, she’s not gonna bite. I swear. I promise. Please. If you’re okay with it then...talk to her, get to know her. And make sure she’s okay, please?” His eyes are wide and endearing in their innocence, causing you to give a slight smile as you run your fingers through his hair. “I love you, you’ll be okay.”

He whispers that bit, almost as if he’s afraid of his dad hearing. But you know it’s probably not that and more out of respect for you and how you feel when it comes to emotions. You’re not exactly someone who goes around shouting your feelings from the rooftops after all, and you feel the same way the other way around.

Swallowing, you take in a deep breath to fortify yourself before nodding. Anyone would think you were off to war, and you can’t help but chuff a laugh at the thought of that. It gets you a strange look from both Jung men, but you simply kiss Hoseok briefly before standing and moving in the direction his mom had gone.

As you reach the door frame though, you pause as your nerves get the better of you once more. Glancing back to Hoseok, you see him watching you with careful eyes, his lips turning into a sweet smile as he gives you his silent reassurance. His complete trust in you to not only handle yourself, but comfort his mom meant a lot and you resolved not to make him regret his faith.

The house Hoseok had grown up in was much larger than the one your parents had, the rooms bigger and the ceilings higher. Not only that, but there was just the sheer number of rooms on top of all that as well. It was one thing to know objectively that Hoseok’s family was well off, but it was another entirely to actually see it.

If anything, apparently Hoseok had been very humble about himself and his family’s money. They weren’t loaded or anything, but their house was big enough and in a nice enough suburb with two cars not even a year old that you’d immediately felt the difference between you both.

He hadn’t said anything about it though. Hadn’t indicated that he was aware of the difference at all. Maybe he didn’t notice or maybe he was just being polite and not mentioning it. It probably wasn’t very good in a relationship to blatantly float your wealth compared to your partner or something.

Either way, you appreciated his tact.

Once you'd left the room, Hoseok is distracted away from watching where you'd gone by the wry snort from his dad. Glancing over, he furrows his brows in a silent question, wondering what his dad found so funny.

"She's cute." Is all he says, causing Hoseok to nod in response. He doesn't even realise he's looking back until his dad talks again. "Your mom isn't going to kill her, you know, she'll be okay."

That makes him blush, his cheeks heating as he purposefully turns his body until he can't look out the door. Turning his gaze to his dad, he glares at him slightly before pursing his lips.

"I know that. I just...want to make sure she's okay." He didn't tell his dad why he thought that. Your emotions and mental health were yours to share or not, and you'd only shared it with him so far. Hoseok wouldn't betray your trust by blabbing it to everyone.

"Your mom won't do anything to upset her. We know how much she means to you. Which in case you didn't realise, is why your mom left the room."

Hoseok just hums lightly, hoping that will be true.

You find Hoseok’s mom in what looks to be a home office, the walls covered in bookcases filled with files and framed pictures while a desk takes pride of place, an iMac sitting atop it with the plush looking desk chair empty in front of it. She’s sat on an equally nice looking leather sofa, backed up against the wall and facing the desk.

For a moment, you stand awkwardly in the doorway, unsure of what to do or what to say. You feel probably even more nervous than you’d expected, your stomach swirling the delicious pot pie and vegetables she’d made for dinner that you’d eaten happily earlier. This was Hoseok’s mom. His mother. The woman who had carried him for nine months, given birth to him and raised him. The woman he adored.

You knew logically that you were psyching yourself out, but you just didn’t really know how to react. What if she was angry at you for some reason? Or disgusting for being so close with her son in front of her? Though Hoseok had been the one who had dragged you into his lap so it was his fault really.

“You can come in sweetheart, it’s okay.” Her tone is gentle and the warmth in it automatically soothes some of your nerves. You can really see where Hoseok got his caring nature from now, and it amuses you to know that he spent years actively pushing his parents away only to have such strong similarities between him and them.

Carefully, you move into the room and sit on the couch next to her, your posture absurdly straight and wooden as you struggle to relax. There’s a moment of silence before she lets out a soft chuckle, her hand reaching out to rest on your shoulder as she squeezes ever so slightly.

“You can relax, I promise I’m not going to be mean.” Looking at her, you see the familiar smile of your boyfriend in an older, feminine form and can’t help but smile back. Taking in her face properly, you realise as you see the way her eyes crinkle warmly that Hoseok has her eyes too. It makes something warm bloom in the midst of your nerves.

“Are you...are you okay? They err, sent me to check on you. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m a girl or something.” Shrugging awkwardly, you pause as you hear the gentle laugh that falls from her lips once more.

“Probably. Neither of them are all that great with emotional women I think,” She muses, looking away from you to one of the bookcases. “But also probably because they want us to talk. They’re not very subtle.”

You can see the amused expression on her face and yet you feel a sudden urge of protectiveness, a desire to defend Hoseok. Which is ridiculous, because this is his own mother. But still.

“Hoseok’s great actually, he’s really good at coping in a crisis. Especially with an emotional woman. I should know because he did it with me the other month.” As the words fall from your mouth, you look away in horror and shock. Yet again, you’d just said something without thinking first and wanted to cringe at the knowledge that you’d just given away something had happened with you. And that you’d also just argued with her.

Instead of getting offended though, she reaches for your hand and squeezes gently, concern written all over her face when you turn to look at her. Genuine concern.

“I won’t poke my nose in, but are you okay yourself?” Glancing at your hands, you consider the last few months carefully before giving her a small smile and a nod.

“I am. On the way there anyway. And Hoseok has been a huge part of that. You should be proud of him.” That causes a smile from you as you remember everything that your boyfriend had done for you over the last few months and that warm fuzzy feeling returns in your chest.

“I am proud of him. We’re both proud of him. Probably more than he ever realises, you know? I know you know about the accident and everything that happened after. Sometimes we didn’t think we’d ever get to see our happy little boy again,” Pausing, she reaches for one of the binders stored into the bookcase close to her and pulls it out. “Have you ever seen a picture? Of his sister?”

Shaking your head, you take what you realise is one of those books that parents keep track of all the important milestones in their child’s first year and rest it on your lap, opening the cover carefully. The front page features a photograph of a tiny newborn baby, swaddled in a pale yellow blanket.

‘Jung Hyeri, born 28th November…’

The information carries on including her birth weight, the time of her birth, her star sign, her Chinese zodiac sign, her parents' names and more. On the next page was an ink imprint of her tiny foot, while the next page had a small piece of her black hair. Each page continued on, outlining her achievements such as her first word, her first time crawling, her first smile, her first time walking and so forth.

It was sweet, and yet you found yourself feeling so sad as you took in the image of Hoseok’s big sister back when she was so small. She wasn’t here anymore, and you can’t even begin to imagine how much their family still hurts over that.

“She was a sweet baby, laughed so easily and was really quiet. I think we got lucky for our first time.” His mom smiles brightly as she traces her finger along the image of Hyeri at her doljanchi, the Korean tradition of celebrating a child’s first birthday. She’s sat in a tiny hanbok with a table full of objects in front of her and you recognise it as the doljabi custom in which the item a child picked was supposed to dictate how their life would turn out.

“She picked up the book,” You look up at Hoseok’s mom, a small smile on your face. “Supposed to symbolise that they’ll be smart. And she was very smart. I like to think she would have become a scientist or something, because she used to love her science classes so much in school.”

Once you’ve finished looking through the book, his mom places it carefully back before smiling and giving you one that looks identical. Only this time, you get to see a more familiar name above the image of another baby, fast asleep in a pale green blanket this time.

‘Jung Hoseok, born 18th February…’

You can’t help but coo at the sight of how tiny he was, completely unable to reconcile this itty bitty baby with the man you have to look up to today. Each page is turned slower than before as you take in all the information you can, a part of your mind wondering if Hoseok would be embarrassed to know his mom was showing you his baby pictures.

But you can’t bring yourself to really care to be honest, because he looked so cute.

“Oh my god, you can see all of his features just in tiny chubby form.” Laughing quietly, you run your finger along Hoseok’s eye on a photo of him crawling, his smile so bright. He looked like a really happy baby, and even though you’re not fond of kids yourself, you can’t help but enjoy looking through the first year of his life.

Just like Hyeri, the final page was dedicated to Hoseok’s doljanchi celebration with a similar image of him in a cute hanbok in front of a table. Looking at his mom, you raise your brows in a silent question and she smiles.

“He chose money, which definitely pleased his grandparents. We weren’t concerned with pushing him though, you have to let children make their own way in life. Though he is doing quite well for himself isn’t he?” She takes the book from you and closes it carefully, placing it back in its rightful place before grasping a thicker binder.

This one is full of pictures and your eyes widen as you take them in. The pictures start out with Hyeri as a sweet three-year-old, sitting next to her newborn brother in his little bassinet. She’s looking inside, her black hair draping in and curling next to him. Over the next few pages, you observe as they both grow older.

Hoseok starts to be walking after her, and soon running, a bright and happy expression on both of their faces. Hyeri grows taller and taller, remaining firmly above her little brother and you see them building sandcastles on a beach, taking a walk along a forest lined path, climbing the steps of a castle and more.

A few pictures feature his parents, their fashion and hair wildly out of style for today but obviously perfect for the time. They looked like a happy family, one who was close with each other. As the children age through the photos, you note how Hoseok slowly starts to look a tiny bit more like how he does today.

The same occurs for Hyeri, her features losing the baby fat of her younger years as she fast approaches teenagehood. It’s with fondness that you note both siblings have the same eyes, sharing them with their mother in a clear sign of their familial relationship.

And then suddenly, Hyeri isn’t in the photos anymore.

It’s just Hoseok and occasionally his parents. Your heart clenches when you realise the joy that had been so evident in his eyes has vanished and that his smile is empty. It’s even worse when you realise how young was, how unprepared he was to suffer such a tragic incident so early in his life.

Swallowing hard, you look at his mom with a sad expression. “This was after, wasn’t it?”

She nods slowly, the pain in her eyes still as fresh and evident two decades later. “Yes, it was. A split second. That was all it took, and then we lost our daughter. We didn’t realise at the time that we’d lost him too, for such a long time. They were really close and he...he idolised Hyeri. He was convinced that he was the reason she’d died. That it was his fault. We knew it wasn’t, and he knew somewhere in his mind that it wasn’t. But...he was so young. And we just...we lost him to that grief and anger for so long. Therapists couldn’t help him back then because he was too lost in his own head. I think he had to be willing to accept the truth, and he wasn’t when he was younger.”

“Until college.” You murmur, running your finger along the vacant face of a younger Hoseok. It makes your heart hurt when you truly realise just how long he’d gone feeling such anger inside him, such a disconnect from the world. The tattoos on his body were a living memory to Hyeri, but you wondered if part of him had gotten them to start with so he could try and feel the pain he felt he hadn’t been given compared to her.

“Yes, until college. We had no idea until he came home one day, looking...well different I guess. And then he told us what he’d been doing. Apologised for how he’d behaved over the years and just...we talked it all out. All of us cried a lot, which I’m sure he was probably embarrassed about but, it felt like we were getting him back. There was still a part of him that wasn’t there though. A part that still...punished himself.” She sounds a little awkward then and you give an amused smile, knowing what she was getting at.

“You mean he slept around a lot and was still a little wild?” You can’t help the laugh that leaves you at her face at that, focusing back on the photographs as you flick through them. “I’ve met his friends. They were shocked that he was not only properly dating someone but that he was dating me in particular. Apparently I’m not his usual type.”

There must be something in your voice that sounds a little more vulnerable than you realised as his mom takes your hand gently, squeezing reassuringly until you’re looking at her. When you do, she takes a moment to look over your face before speaking.

“I know we’re talking about my son, but he obviously knew this was going to happen so I feel less bad about it. But I just...I need you to know it doesn’t matter what his friends said. What they say. Even what Hoseok says. He has a past, yes, but that means nothing really. He chose to date you, fully aware of his own habits and history, aware of you as well. No, you’re not like what he used to...date. If you can call it that. And that’s probably why it’s working, because you’re someone he has to actually work for, someone who’s made him realise that he wants to put in the effort required to make a relationship work. He wouldn’t be doing this, being with you and bringing you here, if he didn’t think you were worth it and that your relationship was going to work. I can promise you that.” It makes your stomach go all funny when you hear that and you’re not sure why.

Maybe it’s just because you’re finally getting validation that you’re not just some novelty Hoseok found. As much as you like his friends, you often feel distinctly uncomfortable with the knowledge that they found it amusing the fact he’d picked you. Like there was something wrong with you compared to the other girls he’d had in his life.

But hearing from his mom that there was nothing wrong with you and that it was probably just that Hoseok had found you worthy of his time and attention? That made you feel better. You were positive there was nothing wrong with all the other girls he’d been with, but the idea that he’d found you so enticing that he’d decided to commit himself was nice. More than nice really.

Logically, you knew it was stupid to be worried about things like this. After all, you’d both been in a relationship now for a year and he couldn’t change his past. So it should mean nothing. But you found it hard to let some things go.

“I didn’t know why he wanted me either to be honest. I mean...he’s...well him. Handsome, a good job, tattooed and into all that metal stuff. And I’m...me. Introverted, shy, awkward, exceptionally geeky and just...yeah. I mean, i know it’s stupid.” You struggled to explain it to his mom, feeling embarrassed about it but she lets out a soft tutting noise, placing her other hand over yours to capture it between her own.

“Doesn’t matter. None of it matters, okay? He knows all that. He knew all that before getting this involved with you. And he loves you. That’s what matters. And that’s what made me leave earlier. Because I got emotional seeing my little boy was back, the Hoseok who smiled and laughed with such love in his eyes. He’s been gone for so long, but he was there with you. So it doesn’t matter what the differences between you are. It doesn’t matter what his past is or yours. You make him happy, and that’s all I care about.” Now it’s really a struggle to not cry, hearing his mom sound so emotional and thankful to you.

It’s not like you’d done anything. Hoseok has done most of the heavy lifting in this relationship if you were being honest. You owed a lot more to him than he did to you, of that you were positive. But his mom looked so earnest and her words reverberated inside you.

Glancing down at the photobook, you take in the sight of a Hoseok who must have been around fourteen. His hair is just as black as it is today only the styling is completely different. The sides of his head are almost shaved while the hair remaining is gelled to be spikey. It’s not exactly the greatest look, but the anger in his eyes tells you that he probably didn’t care.

And it’s then that you realise that you’ve never seen Hoseok look like in this picture. Maybe it’s because of the therapy he went through in college, or maybe it’s because of you. You don’t know, but you do know that you don’t want to see him look like that again. Because that anger in his eyes was a mask for so much pain beneath.

And you don’t ever want Hoseok to suffer that again. Not while you could make him happy.

“He’s done more for me, I swear. But I’ll try to keep him happy for you. I promise. As long as he wants to be with me, I’ll try.” Your words are solemn, the tone grave and it makes her smile to see you being so serious about it.

“Oh sweetheart, I’m not going to force you at gunpoint to make him happy. There’s two of you in the relationship and he has to make you happy too. But I feel a lot better having met you now. I can see that you’re good for him, and I’m guessing that he’s good for you too. I’m just...I’m protective over him, even though he’s an adult now. We lost one child already and we were afraid that we’d lost our other too, so I want to do everything I can to make sure he stays with us.” Nodding, you give her a hesitant smile before handing back the now finished binder.

She places it back into the bookcase before taking in a deep breath and letting it out in one, long breath. There’s a hesitation before she stands, giving you a bright smile that you instantly recognise before she gestures to the door.

“Now, I think we should probably go back. Given how protective I’ve heard Hobi is over you, I think we should probably go and reduce his blood pressure by returning you to him.” You go hot at that, embarrassment making your hands press to your stomach lightly.

“He’s not that bad.” Murmuring, you follow her out of the room, unable to stop the smile as you hear her light peal of laughter.

“Sweetheart, you should have heard the riot act he gave us before bringing you over. If he thinks we did one thing to make you upset then I’m sure we’ll be made aware of it for the next few months. And as much as I love my son, I do not want to be given the cold shoulder or hear his grumbling over how we’d upset you. Men in love do the strangest things sometimes, so don’t underestimate him.”

530 notes · View notes

everythingshoto · 4 years

Text

Already gone | Fives

Pairing: ARC Trooper Fives x reader

Summary: The loss of Fives is unbearable and it’s time to say goodbye to him. You need to let him go, but your heart can’t.

Wordcount: 1828

Warnings: reader goes to extreme sadness, depression. Mentions of death and seeing the dead. Violence language.

a/n: Hello there :) This is my first work to be ever published, so I am a little nervous! I know it’s not the best I’ve ever written -and I’m not completely satisfied with how this turned out-, but I just really wanted to make this story. (My native language isn’t English, so that’ll explain grammar mistakes :)) This is for all the very sad sl*ts out there, i feel you 😔

༓☾ M A S T E R L I S T ☽༓

Sometimes it felt like he was speaking to you through music, like he was your guardian angel and looked out for you.

The depressed tones blasted through the speakers of your apartment as your hand -holding an empty whiskey glass- sank to the ground. The bass thundered in rhythm with your heart, the lyrics as sad as a blue moon. But, all the songs about heartbreak and pain that you had on endless replay, had one difference with you. You weren’t just heartbroken, the love of your life hadn’t just left, he died. He couldn’t even come back home to you, even if he wanted to, he’d be stuck somewhere in the afterlife, not even able to find peace he deserved. The hurt Fives went through was the worst part, the guilt you felt.

Your eyes closed as all the moments with Fives flashed by, his smile, his words, his handsome face. Nothing seemed to make up for the fact he wasn’t sitting next to you anymore. The past couple of days you had waited for him to come home, to you. And you still did. The news Rex brought hadn’t sunken in yet and somewhere, your heart still jumped as someone opened your front door. But maybe, that feeling wasn’t going to leave, ever again. Your grip around the glass tightened as all the memories you made together played in your head over and over again.

“Fives! Fives!” You cried out as you saw his damaged, white and blue armour next to Jesse’s. He just returned from Umbara, one of the saddest pages in the clone wars history. Because a betrayal of general Krel, several clones had to give up their life. Words couldn’t describe what you felt, as you saw Five alive, amongst his brothers.

“Cyar’ika!” He yelped back as he saw you in the crowd. His pace quickened and he let you fall into his arms.

“Fives.” Your voice now whispered, your face buried in his neck. His skin melted with yours and it felt like nothing could break this moment. His arms would never let you go, ever again.

You twitched and shivered as your eyes opened, your hand grabbed your shoulder, looking for his. His fingers felt imprinted on your skin, like a mark, and you hoped the stain wasn’t going to fade anytime soon. Your gaze was caught on the evening lights of Coruscant, but this time, you really felt a hand on your shoulder. You wanted to smile, but deep down you knew it wasn’t him.

“Rex,” your voice was burned from alcohol and rasped painful against your throat. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Oh, I am sorry.” His voice seemed uncomfortable and he laid a hand behind his head, “you didn’t respond on my knocking, I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

You nodded stiffly, “I’m fine, thanks for asking.” You said as you swung the empty whiskey glass elegant through the air.

“Uhm, are you sure?” Rex’ eye caught the bottle next to you, half empty. He sat down on the ground, besides you, his eyes burned on your skin.

A sarcastic smile hovered around your mouth, “like I said, yes, I’m fine.” The lies were as sweet as sugar, but Rex knew better. The empty bottle of alcohol laying on the floor was just as lost as you. Unfortunately, you wished to be all screwed from the poisonous liquid, but even half a bottle of whiskey didn’t seem to fill the hole Fives left behind.

“It’s time.”

The words Rex said made your world stop for a second. Time seemed to stand still and your head started spinning. Your sweaty palms tried to warm your shivering arms, as your anxiety rose to the ceiling, your heart pounding louder and louder.

From sitting anxious on the floor, under way to Fives’ lifeless body. Rex dragged you all the way with him, knowing you weren’t okay. But he also knew, you weren’t going to forgive yourself if you never said goodbye. Rex lead the way through the medical center as you followed him in safe distance, knewing what you would face seconds from here. Your steps became smaller and the shivers crawling up your spine became colder. Instead of the anxious pounding of your heart in your ears, you barely seemed alive now.

The clone guarding the room nodded to the two of you as you walked in. The room was big and glanced several tints of blue, but all you really noticed was the table in front of you.

“I can’t do this.” You panted as you grabbed Rex’ arm. He turned around, standing in front of you, tall enough to cover the table in the end of the room.

The pain radiating of your face made Rex even more sad, “you have to say goodbye.” He spoke quietly as he offered you a hand.

His voice made you noucious already, you couldn’t hear anything but Fives. You accepted his offer by gently taking his fingers, nervous about what you were going to witness. Even though you knew what you were going to see, you could never prepare yourself. The table Fives laid down on seemed miles away and slowly, step by step, you saw your soulmate coming closer. You felt weird, stressed. It felt weird looking at him without him glancing back, it almost felt.. like he was really gone.

You tried to take big breaths as you reached him and your eyes couldn’t help but stare at his. Your heart wanted them to open, somewhere you expected him to get up and hug you, just like old times. Part of your heart wasn’t ready to let go of the love of your life.

“Fives.” You whispered as your shaky hand grabbed his. He felt ice cold and you shivered by his touch. His face was a sick shade of pale and the bags underneath his eyes were as black as the sky. Few blood drops spotted on his face and his, usually pretty hair, was a mess. Nothing hurted you more than seeing him, like this, so vunarable, so drained of life. Your breathing turned into hyperventilating and your heart shattered as it realised. He was not coming back.

You took his hand and squeezed it softly as you started stuttering, trying to say your goodbyes. “I love you Fives, I- I- I don’t want to let go of you- I...”

Rex laid his hands on your back, trying to give you comfort, but you weren’t able to finish your sentence. Grief hit you like a truck and Fives’ lifeless, emotionalless face drew all your attention away from your words.

“It’s going to be okay.” Rex said, as his hand rubbed down your spine.

“What?” The words felt like poison, the way you spitted them out of your mouth. “It’s going to be okay?” The slightest bit of sarcasm pushed through and your gaze left Fives’ to meet Rex. He seemed surprised by the storm that laid, so suddenly, on your face.

“Well ye- eventually..” now, Rex was the one who had lost his tongue.

“Yes? Eventually it’s going to be okay?” Tears raced down your face. “What’s going to be okay? The fact that we KNEW about the inhibitor chips and did nothing?!” Anger took over and your fingers formed fists. “We should’ve helped him, we should’ve done something!” You yelled at his brother.

Rex seemed just as broken as you, though he tried to stay professional. “Well I have, we tried to..”

You shook your head, the ignorance in Rex’ voice made the rage in your blood rise.

“Just admit it, we failed him! You, and me! He reached out for help and we literally ignored him!” Your shallow scream echoed through the room, “we failed him..”

The little bit of hurt in your heart got replaced by more anger. “Why didn’t you do something?! He came to talk to you, he wanted your help! You should’ve done something! You did, nothing!” You cried, screamed, as your body couldn’t hold the weight of your heart anymore. You sank to the floor, crying over the man you loved. Another cry left your body, your hands caught it as your head buried into them. Endless, non controllable sobbing took over and there was nothing you and Rex could do.

“You killed him Rex! We killed him! Just as much as the one who placed the bullet into his heart!” You managed to look up to Rex, your vision was blurred and you weren’t in control of anything. You lost it, you had lost your world, the person who made you happy. “We abandoned him, when he needed us most.” You managed to whisper. Your heart ached, he died for nothing and you were never going to forgive yourself. Fives his trust in the two of you must’ve died along with him.

“Come here,” Rex said as he lifted you up from the stone cold floor. His voice was shaky, like you had never heard before. Before Rex pulled you into a hug, you caught a glimpse of his watery eyes, a single tear dripping of his face.

You laid your head on his shoulder and couldn’t stop crying. You panted heavily in between, trying to breath as you drowned in your own, bitter tears.

“I know, I miss him too.” Rex said as he continued rubbing your back, trying to calm you down. More tears slowly rolled down his face as he held you close. His heart felt crushed and the worst thing was that everything you said was true. Rex agreed, he failed his brother, there was no need for a bullet through Fives his heart and it happened anyway. It seemed like there was always someone who ended up dead, everyone around him slowly ended up dying.

Fives’ last words had repeated constantly in Rex his head. The anxiousness in his eyes, afraid his own brothers would hurt him, and yet they did. The panic Fives yelled with, getting the gun was the dumbest thing he could’ve done. But for Fives, it felt the best thing to do, like he had only one choice, the only defense he had left.

“Get away from me!” Fives yelled as he held up the gun, pointing it at Fox his head.

Gunshot

An earsplitting silence followed. The only sound echoeing against the walls was Fives’ panting, and how his body shattered against the floor. Rex remembered yelling his brothers name, beating the ray shield that separated them. He was completely defenceless as he watched his brother die.

More tears flowed down Rex’ cheeks as he relived the moment.

“The, the nightmares, they are.. finally.. over.” Fives gaze connected with Rex one last time, but left too soon. Rex felt his brothers body weaken, he was gone, he died, in his arms. Rex held him close, not realising what just happened, what he had done.

Meanwhile, the tension in your core made you cramp together against Rex. It felt like every single nerve in your body was damaged, the kind of damage that couldn’t be fixed. You felt tired, exhausted, like the last bit of happiness had been drained of your soul.

“I can’t miss him Rex.. I don’t want to.”

38 notes · View notes

zamoimagines · 4 years

Text

This Means War

Word Count: 3,769

Pairings: Venable x Reader, Cordelia x Reader

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Warnings: None

Summary: You’re sent to Outpost 3 on behalf of the coven with Coco to protect Mallory. A spell is put over you so that you forget anything you ever knew of being a witch, including all of your memories of your girlfriend, Cordelia. Without the Supreme and being confined to the Outpost after a nuclear missile launch, you feel empty for what seems to be no reason at all. That’s until a new woman, Miss Wilhelmina Venable takes an interest in you.

A/N: You sluts are gonna live for this shit. I’m extremely proud of this chapter, and I’m excited for you guys to read it. Let me know what ya’ll think ;)

The Outpost was a much warmer place with Venable by your side. When you had first arrived, this seemed like the coldest place on Earth. Lifeless. Depressing. That kiss had changed everything. Suddenly, the corridors seemed much brighter. You were so much nicer and talkative toward the other residents. Hell, the mineral cubes even tasted better. Love had such a wonderful effect on you. It was noticeable that Wilhelmina was becoming happier too. She’d stopped yelling at every little thing, and she’d even become much more lenient. It was obvious when she merely started laughing at one of Coco’s hissy fits.

“This whole place is bullshit! I swear to fucking god if you don’t get me some decent shampoo, I’m going to lose my fucking mind!” she screamed.

All Venable could do was chuckle to herself. No harsh words, no punishments. Just laughter. When Wilhelmina left the room, the blonde looked at you with a crazed expression.

“What the shit just happened?”

“Perhaps she’s just loosening up a little.” You shrugged to her.

Coco squinted her eyes. “There’s something weird going on… I can smell it.”

“No, you can smell that disgusting perfume you’ve been wearing.” Mr. Gallant retorted.

Coco shrieked as you tried hard not to giggle. Mr. Gallant was already cackling. Mallory, one of the Greys that often joined in their conversations, was trying her best not to be unprofessional. You could see a smile crack on her face.

“I will fucking end you!”

“Oh, I’m shaking, really!” He mocked. The three of them had become entertaining to you, rather than annoying like they had always been. You might have even considered them to be good friends of yours now.

The Outpost was starting to finally feel like home. Every night after all the others drifted off to sleep, you would sneak off to Venable’s room to sleep in her chambers. Some nights were just as steamy as the first you’d spent with her. Others were gentler, in which you would stay up all night listening to her read to you or talk about everything and nothing. Wilhelmina was slowly becoming your other half. It didn’t take long for you to completely forget about the mysterious woman that had been haunting your dreams months before.

Everything was growing to some sort of normal. You could admit that you were finally happy once again.

One night, you entered Venable’s room excited to see her after a long day of her working. She’d stayed distant all day but you just figured that she was busy doing things for the Cooperative. You put on the prettiest smile for her.

“Mina!” you sang out as you closed the door behind you. “I missed you at dinner-”

You were caught off guard. Usually, when you came at night, her eyes would sparkle. This was much different. She wouldn’t even meet your gaze. The redhead was pacing back and forth, her silk robe dragging heavily behind her. She hadn’t even taken her hair down yet. Something was most definitely wrong.

Slowly, you made your way up to her and touched her shoulder gently.

“Mina? Are you okay?”

Her face was ridden with fear. You had never seen her this disturbed before.

“Someone’s coming, Y/N.”

“What do you mean?” you replied, “I thought no one else was alive?”

“The head of the Cooperative is arriving tomorrow. He intends to conduct interviews on everyone that resides here… All of the Greys, the other residents, Mead, you and I-” She bit her lower lip nervously. “Something isn’t right. I can feel it.”

You took her hand into your own. Placing a soft kiss to her knuckles, you managed to get her to crack a small grin.

“Y/N- You’re so good to me.” Wilhelmina pulled you in close and let her arms wrap around you tightly. You rested your head in her neck.

“You must promise me something.”

“What is it?”

Her chin leaned gently against your hair. “Promise me you won’t go to your interview. I don’t care if this man is running this facility. I don’t trust him, and I have to keep you safe.” She gazed down at you as her hand cupped your cheek.

“Promise me that you’ll stay away from him. No matter what he says, no matter how persistent he is, you must promise me that you will not partake in an interview.”

You weren’t sure what to say. Seeing Venable this shaken up was scaring you. Wilhelmina Venable, fearless leader of the Apocalypse, was showing an emotion you’d never seen from her before; fright. Wilhelmina was frightened. If this woman was worried, then you were completely terrified.

“I-I promise, Mina.”

Wilhelmina pulled you into another tight hug.

“I’m going to do everything to keep you safe, Y/N. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

You wholeheartedly believed her. You trusted Venable with your life.

The next morning, everyone was up at the crack of dawn. Venable was back to her strict ways. It was very obvious to you that she was tense, and you were sure that the others could tell something was up.

“Venable, it’s too early for this shit-”

“Ms. Vanderbilt, I will NOT stand for your catty remarks. If you so much as breathe near me, so help me, I will have you in a straight jacket for the rest of your stay here. Do I make myself clear?”

Everyone was very taken aback. Coco couldn’t even reply. She just remained completely silent the rest of the morning.

A couple hours later, Venable called a mandatory meeting in the common room. Everyone did as they were told and made their way down immediately. No one wanted to be on her bad side today. You sat on the couch in the spot closest to where Venable was standing. Her posture was rigid, almost as cold as the day you met her. You wanted nothing more than to comfort her.

“As many of you may know, the Cooperative is running our operation. We are forever in debt to them for saving all of our lives. We should feel lucky out of all the people in the world, we were the ones they showed mercy to,” she began, “We should also feel honored that the head of the Cooperative has decided to pay us a visit. May I present to you all Mr. Langdon, our savior.”

From the shadows, a well dressed man slithered his way by Wilhelmina. He had long hair, ice blue eyes, and an evil smile. Something in your gut told you this man was bad news. He almost made you want to flee for some odd reason. He made your blood boil and you barely even knew him.

“Hello.” He greeted everyone in a sly tone, “I’m Michael Langdon. I’m here for the next phase of business.”

“Business?” Coco piped up. “What business is there? The world ended.”

Venable shot a deadly look at her. Mr. Gallant surprisingly spoke up as well.

“She’s got a point. What else can there be?”

Michael flashed a smile to the pair.

“I’m so glad you asked. You see, this facility was only meant to be temporary. Our mission was to gather the lost souls that may survive all of the nuclear fallout,” he began, “You are the lost souls we needed.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Coco muttered.

“It means that some of you will be coming with me to your new facility. A true safe haven. I will conduct an interview with each resident… And I expect all of you to speak with me.” He paused for a moment to gaze down at you. You could feel his piercing gaze, almost as if he could see right through your soul. You didn’t dare to make eye contact with him. All of a sudden, you felt a finger lift your chin.

His eyes were locked on you. Michael was studying you rather intently, making sure not to miss a single detail of your features. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Venable’s fingers twitching upon her cane. Her teeth were clenched tight together as she tried hard not to show any sort of weakness toward you.

“You look familiar… Don’t I know you from somewhere, little one?” Michael cooed as he brushed your hair behind your ear. His touch made you want to vomit.

“Ms. Y/L/N was one of the first to arrive. She doesn’t remember anyone from before the apocalypse.” Venable cut in.

“I see.” Michael’s gaze lingered. There was something about him, something absolutely foul. You knew him from somewhere. Langdon radiated malice and hate. His intentions were cruel rather than merciful.

“Will everyone go to the safe haven?” Dinah asked.

Michael left your side to step to the others. You were glad Dinah spoke when she did.

“Not all of you will be eligible. If your interview goes well, then expect a desirable outcome. If you don’t pass…” He grinned to himself. “Then you’ll be left behind.”

“Left behind as in stay here?” Coco laughed in disbelief, “I can’t be here! Not when there’s a utopia waiting for us!”

“Let’s hope you meet the requirements so you don’t stay and rot.”

His remark made Coco’s face twist in disgust. All of you were completely terrified.

“Interviews will begin immediately. Are there any volunteers to go first?”

Everyone remained silent. His head snapped in your direction.

“How about you, little one?”

Anxiety rushed over you as Venable’s eyes widened in horror. You opened your mouth to say something, though someone else spoke instead.

“I’ll go first!” Mr. Gallant cried out. You glanced over in his direction.

“I wanna get this over with anyway. Let me go.”

Michael raised a brow. “Very well. The rest of you may be dismissed.”

The man returned to the shadows to make his way to the spare office waiting for him. You mouthed a “thank you” to Mr. Gallant. He gave you a sympathetic smile before following Michael upstairs.

Once everyone had dispersed, you were alone with Venable. Wilhelmina instantly sat down next to you.

“Are you alright, my darling?”

“Mina, there is something just awful about him.”

“I know, my love.” She murmured as she gave you a tight hug. “I have a plan to get us out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N, we can’t stay here. We’ll die if we don’t go.”

“But where will we go?”

“I know where the safe haven is. If we travel by foot and don’t stop, we’ll be there in two days.”

“Mina, what about radiation poisoning? What will we do about food? What if we die out there-”

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take. If you want to live, you’re going to have to trust me.”

This was too much to take in all at once. On one hand, going outside of the Outpost was incredibly dangerous. Though staying inside would get you killed eventually. You realized that you didn’t have much of a choice.

“Okay. Tell me what to do.” You replied.

Her lips barely touched your ear as she whispered to you.

“Stay out of Langdon’s sight. I’ll keep him away from you as long as I can, but whatever you do, do not let him conduct an interview.” She squeezed your hand, “Halloween is tomorrow. Langdon wants us to have a celebration, we’ll sneak out while the party is happening.”

“What about the others?”

“Never mind them. Make sure to gather your things tonight, and pack light. We have a long journey ahead of us.”

You nodded to her. She kissed your cheek lovingly as a single tear fell from her eyes.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you so much.”

Your lips found her own as you kissed her. It was long, almost bittersweet.

“I love you too, Mina.”

-----

You weren’t sure how you’d done it, but you managed to stay out of Michael’s sight. Perhaps it was the fact that you’d locked yourself in your room for the rest of the evening. You were just grateful he’d never found you. Everything that you thought you might need was packed away, lightly, just as Venable had instructed. You were ready to run.

“Halloween?” Mr. Gallant spoke. Everyone at the breakfast table had smiling faces at the sound of a celebration. Even Venable managed to grin today.

“That’s right. We will be hosting a Halloween party this evening in the style of a Victorian Masquerade. At 6:30 sharp. The Cooperative has provided us with some gifts that will be dispersed during the festivities.” Wilhelmina explained.

“What kind of gifts?” Dinah asked.

“What does it matter? They’re gifts! When’s the last time any one of us was given something!” Coco giggled.

You were trying to be as excited as the others. It was hard to think that you’d be leaving all of them behind. As much as these people annoyed you at times, they had become like a little family to you. You’d never admit it but missing out on Coco’s temper tantrums or not being able to listen to Mallory’s stories was something you were going to miss dearly. Wilhelmina winked in your direction as the others began to chat amongst themselves about the evening ahead.

“I assume everyone is giddy about the party tonight?”

Michael appeared out of nowhere, staring at everyone around the table.

Fuck, fuck, fuck you thought to yourself. He was already gawking at you.

“We’re stoked, Langdon!” Coco replied.

“I’m very glad,” he muttered and completely ignored her presence. “Ms. Y/L/N, I do believe we still have to conduct your interview.”

“O-Oh, are we still doing that?” You squeaked.

“Yes, little one. You missed your slot yesterday.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot all about it, that was my mistake.”

Michael sauntered over behind you and gripped your shoulders. His hands were strong, as if he could crush bones with them. A shiver ran up your spine.

“That’s quite alright, dove. Let’s just make sure to take care of it today.”

“Mr. Langdon, I don’t think conducting her interview today would be necessary.” Venable added. Her expression remained cool and collected, though you could tell that she could lunge at him at any second. “After all, today is a celebration. Perhaps the rest of the interviews can wait until tomorrow.”

“It won’t take but a moment. Besides, hers is the last interview of the residents.”

“That’s not true!” Dinah said, “You still haven’t given me an interview.”

Michael loosened his grip. “Ah, Ms. Stevens. I’m terribly sorry, I’m afraid I’ve forgotten yours as well.”

“Save the interviews for tomorrow, Mr. Langdon. Everyone deserves a bit of a rest today, don’t you agree?” Venable cooed. It amazed you how great she was at manipulating the enemy.

“Perhaps. Well then,” Michael moved to stand before the table. “I expect to see all of you tonight. You are dismissed.”

Mr. Gallant pulled on your hand and guided you over to where he, Coco, and Mallory were going. You were secretly glad about it. Who knows what would’ve happened if you’d stayed at that table.

“Okay, I’m doing everyone’s hair. Coco, I think for you, we should do a huge French updo! Like one of those powder wigs!”

“Ooooh! I’m going to look fucking amazing!” She squeaked.

“Y/N, I’m thinking maybe a half up, half down moment?”

“Oh, you’re too kind. But I’m not sure if I need my hair done-”

“Of course you do! You’re gonna be beautiful.”

“It’s Halloween, you have to glam it up with me! I can’t be fabulous by myself!” Coco begged.

“I’m sorry guys, I’m not one for the spotlight. I appreciate it though,” you gave them a tired smile, “I’ll be excited to see how yours turns out though. You will look amazing.”

“That’s alright. Coco’s hair is gonna take forever anyway. This bitch can never sit still.” Mr. Gallant joked.

“I’m gonna choke you.”

“I double dog dare you to do it.”

Coco smacked his arm playfully as Mallory rolled her eyes.

You felt tears welling up in your eyes, though you didn’t dare to let them out. You really were going to miss them. Without thinking, you pulled all three of them into a tight hug.

“Uh-” Mr. Gallant began,

“Y/N?” Coco muttered.

“Just shut up and let me have this.” you said with a small laugh. They all scooted a bit closer and engaged in the group hug happily. You never wanted to let go of them but you knew that you had to. Tonight was going to be the night you departed from this place forever.

----

Music was booming throughout the halls. Laughter and hollering could be heard from the common room. It was hard to believe that you could hear it all from your room for the Outpost was never this loud. It was nice to know that everyone was having such a wonderful time.

Instead of your normal dress, you had put on the pants and shirt you’d come in. It had been so long since you’d seen yourself in normal clothes. You were surprised that you’d found your old shoes as well. You took a deep breath, stopping to take a good look at yourself. You were sure that you were ready.

Just as you leaned over to grab your bag, you smelled that strange floral scent that used to intoxicate your dreams. The room remained the same. Despite this, you could feel an overwhelming presence beside you.

“Don’t leave. I’m coming.”

It was that damned mystery woman.

“I-I have to go. It’s the only way.”

“You must stay. Trust me.”

“I don’t even know who you are! How in the hell am I supposed to trust you?”

“Yes, you do, my love. I’ll be arriving soon.”

“Who are you?”

“You already know the answer to that.”

“Stop fucking with my head!”

“Y/N?”

You looked to your door. Wilhelmina looked very different. Her hair was up in a sleek ponytail. Rather than her usual black ball gown, she was dressed in a lavender pantsuit. She held on tight to her cane. Mina must have been a knockout before the apocalypse happened. You wished that you two had met in different circumstances.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah-” you stuttered, “let’s just go. Are you ready?”

Wilhelmina nodded. “I’ve taken care of the others, so we have to leave now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t matter. We have to go.”

It scared you to hear her words. You loved Mina, but she still did cruel things in the past. She was known for killing others prior to your arrivals. You hoped to whatever God was out there that she hadn’t hurt anyone.

The two of you rushed down the hall trying hard not to make a sound. You figured it would’ve been easier over the noise from the party, though to your surprise, the building had gone completely silent. This was the eeriest you’d ever seen the Outpost. Mina led you down the stairs and past the common room. Your eyes widened at the sight of the party.

Michael was nowhere to be found. Bile and blood covered the tiled flooring. All of the residents were dead. You covered your mouth so you wouldn’t scream, but you were completely mortified.

“Y/N, come on.”

“Mina- w-what happened to them?”

“We have to go, darling.”

“But, Mina-”

“I’m not arguing with you!” she snapped. She had never gotten snippy with you before. Though, you were sure it was only because she was scared. You couldn’t blame her.

You continued to follow her until you reached the front of the Outpost. This was the hallway where you had first come inside. It seemed much more daunting to go outside rather than staying here. Mina took your hand.

“Are you ready, my love?”

There was a small silence. You honestly weren’t sure.

“I have to be.”

She gave you a weary smile. You could tell that she wasn’t really sure about this either. But what choice did you have?

“Come on. We have to get out the door before Michael notices that we’re gone.”

Wilhelmina began to make her way toward the entrance. Just as you went to walk behind her, the door at the end of the hall swung wide open. A strong breeze whipped into the building as Venable covered her face with her elbow.

“Oh, what now?!” She cried out.

Though there was something stirring inside of you. You slowly stepped past Wilhelmina and gradually made your way toward the door.

“Y/N! Get back!” Wilhelmina yelled.

You couldn’t bother to hear her. Another softer breeze swirled around your body. That same intoxicating scent of flowers filled your nose. This time, it was all different. Your mind began to wander.

Memories flooded back to you. Robicheaux, the coven, New Orleans, the pretty greenhouse you loved to study in, practicing magic with other women; it was all coming back to you. You could feel your veins surging with power.

More memories came to you. That evening; Mallory was there. So was Coco. That mysterious woman faced you, and you could hear her voice clear as day.

“I will come to see you as soon as I can. I promise that I will find you.”

“I can’t! Delia, I can’t be without you! P-Please!”

“Y/N, I love you more than anything. Please remember me.”

Tears streamed down your cheeks as the breeze grew stronger. Everything made sense now.

“Y/N, stay back! Jesus fucking christ-” Wilhelmina moved to rush to your side, but as the wind picked up, she noticed that you weren’t fighting any of this. You seemed different. Something in you had changed.

All of a sudden, the wind stopped. The clicking of heels echoed through the doors.

“What if we can’t find them?” A British accent rung out.

“We will. They’re here, they have to be.”

That voice. Your heart was racing. It was her.

Three women entered the Outpost. They were all dressed in black. One, a younger blonde, had a concerned look upon her face. Another with bright red hair and thick glasses was keeping an eye out for enemies. The third woman was-

“Cordelia?” you whispered.

It was the mysterious woman from your dreams. It was Cordelia Goode, Supreme of your former coven. She had finally come for you. Her gaze instantly met your own as a beautiful smile widened across her face.

“My love.” Cordelia said through choked tears.

It was really her. She had finally come for you.

REQUEST MORE IMAGINES HERE!

#venable x reader #cordelia x reader #ahs #ahs imagine #ahs coven #ahs coven imagine #american horror story #american horror story imagine #american horror story coven #american horror story apocalypse #american horror story apocalypse imagine #coven #apocalypse #ahs apocalypse imagine #ahs apocalypse #dinner is served you whores

216 notes · View notes

guessimjoiningthespidermanfandom · 4 years

Text

Hell and Back Pt.1

Peter Parker x bisexual!reader

Peter Parker x fem!reader

Peter Parker x black!reader

Peter Parker x villain!reader

Warnings: Language, drug use, mentions of death/the dead, parental neglect, mentions of selling hard drugs, brief mention of drugging, self deprecating thoughts, near death.

Word Count: 4.5k

Songs: Trouble Dont Last Always- Rev Timothy Wright, Violent- carolesdaughter, Feel Better- Penelope Scott, Kids- Current Joys, Never (feat. O_super)- Mag.Lo, Weary- Solange, Sleepwalk (Remastered 2010) Santo & Johnny, Dark Red- Steve Lacy, Glitter- 070 Shake.

“‘I wish I could be a religious person. They always seem so happy and carefree. To be able to put that much trust into something or someone. I know you were never religious but your family was. My family isn’t really all that religious but they did always feel like prayer could solve all. I’d been praying my whole life and not one had ever been answered. All my family is a bunch of hypocrites and sinners, but hey hate the sin not the sinner right? Ha yeah right.”

A/N: The part two of this chapter should be out soon and there was only two proof reads sorry for any mistakes.

Series Masterlist Previous Part Next Part

October 13th

‘Dear Rose, This is stupid, this shit is for white people. Wait let me try again.’

I ripped the paper in half. I was trying to do that thing where you write letters to dead people to help you get over their deaths or whatever. I never had a diary and I felt stupid doing this in the first place so it was definitely hard.

I was sitting in one of the queen-sized beds of the hotel room with an empty college-ruled notebook. I heard Bri and MJ go down to get breakfast, but I pretended to be asleep, I wasn’t hungry.

I’d already ripped three pages out but, I was going to do this, I started it and I wasn’t gonna back out now.

‘So I don’t really know why I’m doing this but I miss you, like a lot. I cried last night. For like the first in at least 6 months. I don’t know why I felt that was important, but it was relieving. I’m in the fanciest hotel I’ve ever stayed (legally) at right now. You’d like it. It's just a Marriott but it’s pretty big. I don’t know if I believe in heaven (or a God even), but I truly hope you’re there right now. I know I’m probably not going if it is real. If it is I know you and my mom and everyone else is there and I just don’t want earth to be the last time I saw y’all. I just feel ungrateful because I’m not happy. I’m not happy to be where I am right now. I know I’m better off than almost everyone else in Melrose but I didn’t earn my spot. I lied and cheated my way to where I am.

I remember that one argument we had. The biggest one back when you first started selling. I had the audacity to get mad at you for just trying to provide for your family. Then became everything I despised. I was trying to look back on the “good days”. Which was depressing because looking back at what we thought were goods days were just days that weren’t terrible.

At least when you were selling you never lost yourself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just feel burnt out.

Yesterday me and Bri were fooling around in the hotel which was fun so I guess that’s good. I’m tryna stick to the positives of my day. Another good thing was that I found one of Jay’s hoodies in my bag . It’s pretty comfortable. I miss him too. I’m trying not to think about all the people I’ve lost because that list could go on for eternity. I might do this again, I don’t know it doesn’t feel so stupid anymore. I’m burning this note though. I know you always said no one lives forever but why’d you have to go so soon, the good ones always do. If there’s truly life after death tell my mom I love her for me and I love you too.

Sincerely Y/N,’

October 14th 9:03am

‘I wish I could be a religious person. They always seem so happy and carefree. To be able to put that much trust into something or someone. I know you were never religious but your family was. My family isn’t really all that religious but they did always feel like prayer could solve all. I’d been praying my whole life and not one had ever been answered. All my family is a bunch of hypocrites and sinners, but hey hate the sin not the sinner right? Ha yeah right.

I remember Ms. Williams with that stupid “Shoot for the moon and if you miss at least you’ll be among the stars” poster. It was tacky and we were always making fun of it. I never realized how much it bothered me until now though. I’d say I have selective memory if I have any memories at all, but that poster is seared into my mind. I think it might be because I felt like it was mocking me because she knew goddamn well none of us were making it out this city. Let alone ever getting anywhere near the stars. Now, I was the closest to the stars and out of everyone who could've been here it was me. The person who deserves it the least.

Sincerely Y/N,’

October 14th 8:57pm

‘I think the reason I’m still doing this letter thing is because I don’t wanna stop missing you because missing you was better than feeling nothing. I don’t truly think I do anymore. Which sounds bad, but I just mean I’ve gone through the grieving process which I guess means, it’s time to let you go. I’ve never actually gone through a full grieving process without someone else dying in the middle of it. I read this thing once about people having favorite people or a favorite person and I think that was you for me. It means you basically can’t function without that person and when they're not around it makes your emotions go crazy. I don’t really want to say goodbye cause I miss the feeling of you in my life, but when it comes down to it I don’t remember it much. So I guess this is the final goodbye.

Love Y/N, ’

I was getting really fucking tired of Thorn. I was getting tired of Y/N L/N too. Why couldn’t I just exist. I don’t wanna have to be anyone. I just wanna get high and eat fruit snacks damn. but I could never have what I want could I.

I was sitting under some storage containers in a warehouse with all these old white men working on weapons and shit. Waiting for Vulture to come in. He flew into the warehouse I could almost see the anger, radiating off of him before he stepped out of the wings. He looked oddly familiar, if I hadn’t killed off all my brain cells I probably would have made the connection sooner but it got made and that’s all that matters.

The Vulture was Liz’s dad.

This is a fact I could and would be using to my advantage. I pulled out my backup phone and snapped a couple pictures of the people around me as a torn up van pulled up.

A man hopped out and Liz’s dad immediately started yelling at the man about something. He seemed to think it was funny though. Like he was high on adrenaline or something. I caught the words Avengers. Then something about Shocker and getting fired. I’m guessing the Shocker had the same idea as me to tell his family about his business. He picked up the closest weapon and fired it at the man. He instantly crumbled to the floor in ashes. That was nasty as hell.

Now these weapons are wayyyy more dangerous than I thought. He stormed out after bestowing another man the title of Shocker. Then it was only me and the guy working on some weird weapon left. I walked over to him and knocked him out. Taking the anti gravity gun with me and some shiny thing I thought looked cool I placed a tracker with a camera and mic on the Vulture suit before leaving.

That was about two weeks ago. Now, here I was, on the back of the truck of some random company following Vulture around like a lost dog. I should be back at the hotel right now, but I’ve never been known to do what I was supposed to.

He was talking to someone about a plan to steal more fuel for these weapons.

I was hiding behind a dumpster and I accidentally hit something on my way to leave.

I know he saw me.

Fuck.

I didn’t have time to think I was just running and running. I didn’t even realize I was practically hyperventilating until I made it back to the hotel. I didn’t have the key to my room. I must’ve dropped it somewhere.

I dropped it because I’m a dumb fuckup who’s gonna get herself and everyone else killed because I could never do anything right. I’d be better off dead.

I knew Bri and MJ were asleep and I didn’t wanna wake them up. I was sitting by the door trying to keep myself from going into a full blown anxiety attack. I pulled the hood of Jay’s hoodie over my head and pulled my legs up to my chest.

I think I might’ve drifted off for a second because I opened my eyes and Peter was standing over me looking concerned.

“What?” I asked sitting up.

“It’s just,” He brought his hand up to his forehead in confusion “Why are you on the floor? Are you okay?” He asked.

“I’m fine, what are you doing up?”

“I was just walking around,”

That wasn’t a very clear answer. Suspicious.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Your eyes are puffy,”

“I’m fine, probably just allergies,” He hummed like he didn’t believe my answer.

“You can go back to your room now,” I added since he was still standing there staring at me.

“You still never answered my question on why you were sitting out here on the floor,”

I just ignored him and pulled the hood back over my face.

He slid down on the floor next to me.

“I’m not leaving until you answer me,”

I didn’t feel like talking and honestly? I didn’t want him to leave.

I turned to face him before saying

“Looks like you’re gonna be here for a while then,”

I ended up telling him eventually and he offered to let me stay in his room saying Ned wouldn’t mind. I was too tired to decline the offer.

“Y/N,” I was awakened by Peter shaking my shoulder.

“Hmm?” I hummed.

“You gotta get up,”

I rolled my eyes and pulled the throw blanket back over my head. I would have flipped over but I probably would’ve fell off the couch.

“Everyone else is already at breakfast c’mon,”

He pulled the blanket off of me reeling back when he brushed against my skin.

“Y/N, you’re burning up,”

“Mhm hm,” I hummed again turning onto my side.

“I’m being serious Y/N get up,”

“Ugh, fine” I exclaimed sitting up.

“Do you feel sick?” He asked, touching my forehead again.

“I feel fine,” I said pushing his hand away. “Thank you for letting me stay here but, you seriously need to learn to stop being so repetitive,”

I went downstairs where everyone else was eating breakfast and let MJ and Bri know I was okay.

Now it’s really fucking stupid to smoke pre-rolls if you don’t want to be drugged but last night when I was watching out for Vulture someone offered them to me. Perks of pretty privilege I guess. MJ was all of my impulse control and she wasn’t with me so I smoked it.

And when I tell you this shit was strong I mean it was strong. I have a high tolerance when it comes to weed because I smoke a lot but this hit hard. Surprised I wasn’t shaking. Maybe I was.

Normally you don’t get full body highs from smoking. It’s usually edibles that do that but this wow. Couldn’t tell if this was Indica or Sativa. I thought it was Indica at first but I had too much energy for that. Maybe it was a hybrid if so, that’d explain the fog over my brain.

I wasn’t thinking clearly I knew I shouldn’t get any closer to Peter than I already was, but I was bored.

Now we were on top of some middle school jumping the roofs. I'm pretty sure he was only here because he wanted to keep tabs on me since he found me on the verge of a panic attack last night and currently thinks I’m sick.

“Are you sure this is safe?” He asked.

“Yes it’s safe, don’t be a pussy,” I rolled my eyes “Besides I do it all the time,”

“So you go to D.C and jump to different roofs of a middle school all the time?”

“You know what I meant smartass,” I elbowed him lightly and he laughed.

I laid on my back and shortly after he joined me.

“How do they get shirts so soft,”

“What?”

“I said how do they get shirts so soft,” I sat up.

“I don’t know probably lots of thr-”

“C’mon let’s go down there,” I interrupted pointing at the building before hopping down. Running through the mall looking through almost every store I’d spent about $1,000 just shopping for everyone who came to mind. Eventually I walked into Zumiez with Peter trailing behind me. I was looking at the hoodies by the skateboard rack.

“I always wanted a skateboard as a kid,” He said coming up behind me.

“Pick one,” I nodded my head towards the rack of decks. “I’ll get it for you,”

“ I can’t let you do that,” He said.

“No, I insist,” I laughed at my word choice “That’s a fancy word” I laughed and he laughed too “No but for real, pick a deck and I’ll buy it for you,” He shook his head “I’m not leaving until you do,” I turned his words from the earlier night onto him.

“Fine,” he sighed walking back over to the shelf.

After picking the rest of the accessories for the board he said.

“I still have no idea how to ride it,”

And with me still not thinking I said

“Ok then I’ll teach you,”

We headed back out the mall but not before I got a diamond chain because why the hell not. We were about to get on a train to head back until I interjected.

“Wait,” I grabbed his arm. “Come with me,”

“Are you sure this is safe?” He asked as we sat under the bridge that the train runs over.

I laughed at his nervousness.

“I do this all the time and I'm still here, aren’t I? Don’t be a pussy,”

Waiting for the next train coming over I put on a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. Weary by Solange. I didn’t realize I was singing along until he complimented my voice.

“You should sing more often, you have a really nice voice.”

“Shh” I hushed feeling my heats heating up at the compliment. Soon I felt the train coming “Just live,”

I leaned back on my elbows and closed my eyes. I guess this was some form of therapy. The rumbling of the tracks traveled through my body. It would’ve been loud but I’ve picked up the ability to block out noises I don’t want to hear on command. After the train passed the sun was already setting. I figure I might as well get food. This would classify as the first real meal I’ve eaten in awhile. I’ve heard of people not being able to eat unless high which I never thought would or could happen to me. Right next to the restaurant we ate at. There was a 7/11. I’m not sure how many people know this but almost every night shift employee at 7/11 is a plug.

“Can you hold my bags real quick?” I asked.

He nodded so I let him know I’d be back quickly and I had to go to the bathroom

I did not.

The employee I ran into proved my earlier statement.

He had about 10 mg of adderall and some xans. I wasn’t really planning on taking the xans, maybe I’d just sell them. I went back and forth adderall because it’d enhance my brain function instead of actually producing a high. I got two slushies and some other bottled soft

drinks.

I put the key up to the door then slowly opened it. They were on the couch and looked up at me when they heard the door open. If I knew they weren’t gonna be mad at me for just leaving and not telling anyone, I’d actually be happy because Bri was getting along with my friends.

“So where’d you go?” MJ asked.

“I just went out mom,” I replied, sitting on the dresser by the door.

“Well you clearly went shopping,” Bri said.

“Yeah and?” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry I had a babysitter,” I rolled my eyes again. “You know you can come in right?” I referred to Peter who was still standing by the door.

He moved in, still not moving any farther than the bathroom door. I moved to close the door behind him before sitting on the bed closest to me.

She moved closer to me and looked into my face.

“Are you high right now?” She asked gazing into my eyes.

“Really?” I asked incredulously “No I’m not, and fuck you, now I’m not gonna give you your shit,”

“No! I’m sorry,” She said and I rolled my eyes, a smile cracking onto my face “What’d you get me?” She made grabby hands at the bags.

I handed her the one from Hot Topic.

“There’s a whole buncha stuff in there but…” I reached into the bag and took out the socks with weed plants on them. “These,” I held them up to her. “These are mine,”

“Alright weirdo,” she said looking through the bag. I went to go over to MJ but Bri grabbed my arm.

“Hey where are you getting the money for this?” She asked in a hushed voice.

“Don’t worry about it,” I waved her off.

I got MJ at least 7 books from a series she was reading and Peter said he had to go back to his room.

I was watching a movie on Bri’s phone while MJ started reading her book.

We heard a knock on the door.

I gave Bri a look that said I’ll get it. Then pushed off the bed. It was Liz.

“Hi,”

“Hey,”

“Me and some other kids are going to go down to the pool, so we were wondering if you wanna come?”

“Yeah just gimme a second I’ll be down,”

I ended up convincing Bri to come with me because I didn’t want it to be awkward.

It was nice. The pool I mean. There was a slight breeze and pretty much the whole team was there. Minus MJ, Ned, and Peter.

I didn’t really think about getting my hair wet. People were playing games toward the end of the pool. Bri was halfway in and halfway out on her phone.

I was floating on my back. It was as if I was drifting down a long river with my eyes closed. The breeze over my body pushing me along. There was a heavy weight on my back that had been building since birth, but the water took a hold of that weight for me.

I just lied there on my back floating and breathing.

Things were peaceful at the pool. They however were not back at the room.

I could not sleep. Believe me I tried. I looked through my bag with “everything” I brought. It wasn’t much since I hadn’t been home in a long time. However I did pack that cart I had in class a while back.

I was scrolling through Tiktok and remembered it was still next to me. I made a tiktok to that one audio with the whistles where you ghost the vapors on each whistle because I thought it looked cool and I can do whatever I want on my account.

I don’t know how long it’d be but I finally felt my eyes fall shut for the night.

When I woke up it was weird because I was already at the decathlon. I’d already been working on whatever problem it was that’d we’d gotten, but I didn’t need to because MJ had already gotten us the answer and we’d won.

I should’ve been more excited.

Why wasn’t I excited?

You couldn’t tell I wasn’t as happy as I made myself seem. I had become quite the little actress over the years and by actress I meant liar, I’m really good at lying.

I didn’t realize Peter was missing until we’d gotten on the bus to go to the Washington Monument.

“Hey,” MJ waved her hand in my face “You okay? You’re doing that thing where you scratch your inner arm, and you only do that when somethings on your mind.”

She placed her hand on mine to stop me

“So what’s up?”

“Nothing much like you said just thinking,”

“About?”

“Everything,” I didn’t want to tell her what I was really thinking about because things would get real awkward real quick.

MJ just wouldn't drop it though.

“There’s clearly something bothering you so just tell me what it is you can tell me anything,”

“I just told you,” I sighed.

“Tell me what you’re really thinking about,”

“Death,” I looked at her, who looked back at me, “There, you happy with your answer now?”

“No,” She said and I looked at her knowing it was a look of exasperation. “Who’s death?” She asked.

“Mine,”

“What about your death?”

“Just wondering if it’d be painful,”

“Oh,”

“Yeah,”

When we pulled up Bri was standing by MJ, she didn’t want to go into the tower because of it being built by slaves. I understood that I didn’t really want to go either but my feet were moving on their own accord.

I could’ve fallen asleep right then and there on that elevator. It was if my brain was checking in and out all day.

I might've. I don’t know. The rip off police officer was saying something but it all sounded like gibberish to me.

I closed my eyes and leaned on Liz’s shoulder. She patted my head and went back to whatever she was doing. Then there was an audible snap.

Followed by a jerk of the elevator.

My shot open and I looked up at the ceiling and there was a circle of singed metal.

“We’re all gonna die here,” The kid who I believe's name is Abe claimed.

And for my sake I pretended I didn’t hear him.

Everyone staring up at the ceiling, another student said.

“We’re freaking screwed,”

To think I was just thinking about death less than an hour ago and here I was about to taste the sweet kiss of it.

“I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working,” The police officer said.

Yeah fucking right that’s what they all say. They just didn’t want us to panic but that’s exactly what I was doing. Panicking.

“We are very safe in here,” she added. That's what they say seconds before everyone dies.

The trap door above the elevator opened and everyone began to move again. I could feel the elevator shaking again. No way was I gonna move and risk snapping the cords.

I was gonna die here.

Most of the team had gotten out already. Then it was Flash’s turn and he just had to put the fucking trophy up with the rest of everyone. The elevator fell farther as he got out. I wanted to move but I couldn’t. My brain power wasn’t stronger than my muscles. I couldn’t will them to do what I needed them to.

Something hit the ground above us and the elevator was free falling.

It stopped second after we were launched to the ground then low and behold Spider-man

I swear it was like he was stalking me. I’d be kinda freaked out if I didn’t know he was Peter.

When he spoke it was in a very poor accent.

He was telling Ned not to move because he was shaking the elevator.

He pulled the metal death box up to the doors and Mr. Harrington, Ned, then Liz got out.

Spider-man or “Peter” said something but I couldn’t make out what exactly I was still trying to process everything.

Then the elevator was falling, I reached out towards Spiderman but wasn’t close enough to reach him.

A web caught my arm but I was still hanging.

Until I wasn’t. My feet were planted on the ground but my brain was moving too fast for me to keep up.

“Y/N?” My shoulder was being shaken.

“Yeah huh?” I said trying to locate and place an identity to the voice it was Bri.

“I was asking you if you needed a ride home,”

Oh yeah she didn't know.

“Uh I don’t know maybe,”

“Alright…” She said turning back over to whoever she was talking to this time.

Since I was the one to almost fall they wanted to check me out in one of the ambulances.

Which I do not trust at all.

The whole medical field is a giant scam so is insurance, ask MJ she’ll tell you.

Once we’d gotten back to the school. Everyone’s parents were all freaking out over them and asking if they were okay. Majority of everyone had already left. Peter had his Aunt. MJ had her parents. Ned has his dad. Bri had her dad. Everyone has someone.

Well almost everyone.

Flash was still waiting too. With Mr. Harrington off in the distance.

Then there were two

I moved over and sat down on the curb next to him.

“You got no one either huh?” I asked.

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business,” Fair enough. The hostility was understandable. I did punch him in the face less than a week ago.

I kept talking though.

“My dad never picks me up from anything either. “ I didn’t really want him to but he could’ve at least asked while I was still living at that apartment and now he expects me to come back like it’s nothing.

A car pulled up and some random white guy who was probably a chauffeur picked up Flash.

Then there was one

I wanted to go home but I had no home.

I guess I had one home in the cemetery. Everyone I love leaves me. That’s something I learned over the years. It applies to many and the sooner you learn that the easier life will be for you. I hadn’t been back here in the longest. I’d normally just show up and clean the graves of the people who I’d known closely.

This was embarrassing but sometimes I’d talk to my mom. Today was one of those days I sent. I stayed talking to my mom and Rose so much for stopping the letters which I did for way longer than I thought I would.

I was already in my old neighborhood and before I knew it I was at my “house”.

I really didn’t mean to come home. I just did before I could stop myself.

Taglist:

@tomdiddlyumptious

#peter parker #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker x reader #reader x peter parker #Peter Parker x Vigilante!Reader #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x black!reader #peter parker x bi!reader #peter parker x bisexual!reader #poc reader x peter parker #peter parker x poc reader #peter parker x thorn #spiderman x villian #thorns prick

25 notes · View notes

smearsyd · 4 years

Text

Safe in Your Arms | PCY | Part One

Lee Seoyun had scars.

Perhaps she had been saved from physical scars, but they were visible enough to her. Thick reminders stood out in her mind that made words like worthless, not good enough, not grateful enough, unloveable, feel like a second skin. She didn’t think she was capable of healing— her parents had told her that she would always be broken, and weren’t your parents the ones who were supposed to know you the best?

So years ago, when Seoyun tragically spilled her hot chocolate all over the front of poor Park Chanyeol’s winter sweater, she was expecting severe backlash— not a forgiving smile and definitely not a new friend. Muchless, Seoyun never in a million years would have imagined that Park Chanyeol would soon be falling in love with someone like her. To be the person who made her, for the first time, feel safe in his arms.

This is Seoyun healed, despite her scars.

characters:

+ park chanyeol (exo), you as lee seoyun (because names are important)

what to expect:

+ christmas + boyfriend!au + fluff and romance

length:

+ 3 parts, bonus drabbles + 25kish in total

warnings:

+ sensitive topics + mentions of traumatic past + smut on part two

read it here: (updating… stay tuned)

+ part one + part two + part three + bonus + masterlist

author’s note:

+ this chapter always makes me smile, i hope you enjoy it ❄️

if you want to be tagged, please reply to this post!

@bbhmystar @itsmesa

A Week Before Christmas Day

Seoyun despises the mere act of a ‘good-bye.’ To her, it means walking away from what she has come to love— even if she knows she will eventually say ‘hello’ again. It’s simply the thought of the in-between that drives her nearly mad.

Despite that though, she finds a chuckle escaping her lips and a final wave coming from her raised hand to bid her best friend (who was currently leaning half-way out of her red Toyota to blow her an airy kiss and yell out a heartfelt call me tomorrow!) one of those good-bye’s. She watches her pull away from her driveway and waits for the resonating pang of loneliness to strike in her chest— she always seems to experience this when the two separate. Yet, Seoyun is shocked still when the ingrained claws of anxiety in fact never come. Some feelings are hard to stop remembering, she thinks, taking a grounding breath.

It feels silly, pathetic almost, that she could somehow be caught by the immense sensation of what the past once was, and yet, not by the past itself. The process of healing and the passage of time are ironic twins, you can struggle and struggle to do things your way, but nothing erases quite as well as time. Though, being around her best friend is like tripping the electrical switch of suppressed memories, forcing her right back to when they spent most of their time together— she can still feel the echoes of panicked ‘good-byes’ and reluctant glances. It was a time that left Seoyun achy from overthinking and bruised from words that never should have left the mouths of those she thought she could trust.

Seoyun once was made to recite that the wise believe that forgiving does not mean forgetting, but she doesn’t want to hold on anymore,forgiving and not forgetting is a cruel expression and she would give anything at this point to forget. Of course, though, that therapist also believed in sunbathing for depression relief and taking a nap when faced with anxiety. If she could sunbath to rid herself of degrading thoughts, Seoyun thinks she would be “cured” years ago. Either way, she’s learned to move on, because unlike then, when she was living in the pain of her memory, she has a future now and it happens to be one barren of good-bye’s.

She slips out a sigh in mild defeat of the uphill she still has to climb, but lets a secret smile find home on her face because regardless, she's been climbing for a while and that in itself is enough for her. She takes in the view of her forever home: the painted mailbox dripping with snow, the messy strings of lights basking the windows in the perfect kind of home-y warmth, his collection of mismatched bird houses hanging delicately from the trees— she decides to fill her mind with memories of this instead. It wasn't the biggest home in the world, nor was it magazine fancy, but it was comfortable in the best way and maybe more importantly, Seoyun didn't have to share it alone— mentally or physically.

A small window sits amongst the bricked wall, giving a beautiful view of the fading sun to the inside inhabitants, and to her, a view she imagines she’ll never tire of. He seemed to be looking for something, his hands perched on his wide hips and his head tilted into a slightly confused grimace. She thought he looked the best like this, unworried and unknowing of her watching eyes. He ran a hand through his thick silver hair, making the tendrils stick up in a mop-like configuration that had her hands tingling to fix it. His gaze moved through the kitchen and languidly out the window, finally coming to land on her.

Seoyun watched with a content beat to her heart as his eyes lit up in surprise, his hand falling from his hair and his mouth ajarring just enough for her to want to tease him. After a moment, his lips began to tug up into a brilliant smile— the one that seemed contagious and would soon transfer to her own lips if she wasn’t careful, which she never was with him.

He beckoned her towards the house, but Seoyun stood for a few more moments. She has a list of lessons to mind that she and Chanyeol came up with in the years they have been together. Admire the little and big things. This seemed like a big thing.

Seoyun made her way towards the house after she was satisfied, finding the door handle already unlocked for her. She unraveled her thick wool scarf (actually it was his that she stole from his side of the closet this morning) and hung her jacket onto the rack beside the door. She thought the house smelled divine, like sweet vanilla and rich milk chocolate.

“Seo…” His voice echoed through the kitchen and bounced around in her mind. His voice always reminded her of the crackling of a fire, or a warmth that was uniquely his. Her feet made the decision to follow this warmth without first checking in with her— not that she would have denied such a request. “Do you know where I last put the key to the shed? I’m pretty sure the decorations are in there, but I can’t seem to remember where we placed it last.”

Seoyun could hear the casual pout in his voice before she even turned the corner and took in his furrowed eyebrows as he rummaged the junk drawers next to the sink. The kitchen was a mess, storage baskets littered amongst the counter and random keys set out as if he had tried them all without success. She successfully hid her increasingly amused chuckle behind the soft material of her sweater, remembering their latest bickering about how he loses everything and him retorting that he only puts them in a safe spot, a too safe spot.

He turned in question, his eyes turning to silvers at finding her infamous I told you so face fully on display for him to bake in. Seoyun thinks their relationship is framed around him getting into some kind of predicament and her having to come in and save the day, but then again, she also feels that he is the best at saving her. Once, there might have been a time she would not dare laugh at his downfalls— big or small, serious or joking— but there’s this certain kind of safety he radiates around her, even when he’s angry and frustrated with her, that she understands is his special way of saying that he cares. She thinks that no one else wears the look of comfort better than him.

“What?” He asked, an air of playfulness alighting in his eyes as he gradually let go of his irritation. He slowly reached out and pushed the drawer closed, a hand perching on his hip. “Ohh,” he dragged out in her silence, “you think this is funny, huh? Clumsy boyfriend, always losing everything.”

She nodded her head easily, and as his tongue poked through the soft side of his cheek, she knew she was about to get it. This didn’t stop her from egging him on however. “Clumsy boyfriend, not good for anything.”

He shook his head and her eyes grew as she followed his calculated footsteps towards her. She sucked in her breath as his large grip rounded her waist and ever so delicately backed her into the front of the refrigerator. His other hands came up to cup her cheek, the back of his thumb rubbing a soothing pattern on her velvety skin.

She could feel through his touch how patient he was, how each finger held an infinite amount of love for her. He liked to show himself like that, she knew. He liked to wrap her in his affection and tuck her away into the better things of life. Maybe it was this that made her give in so easily to him; he wanted her love almost as badly as she needed it— even if she didn’t know that at first.

“I’m good for this, aren’t I?” He teased, his eyes flickering down to her already parted lips with an endearing gaze.

Something bubbled up in need at his statement, need for him to be closer, need for her to keep him by her side, but she also wanted to savor this moment. “I told you that you’d forget where the keys are,” she said in an effort to ignore his previous statement. Though, his lips were beginning to distract her as they tugged up on the corners, coming impossibly close in collision to her own.

A deep chuckle emerged from his chest that she could feel radiating through him and into her, his laugh was simply like that. “What am I going to do about you always calling me out?” He mumbled more to himself than her, his eyes flickering down like baby candles to her already slightly parted lips. Seoyun simply hummed in defeat, giving in to her wants to tease him. She felt as her head tilted up in response towards him, her heels beginning to slowly inch so the two of them may finally meet— like two stars shooting together.

She held her breath as his lips finally molded against hers, and although it had only been a few hours since they last shared an embrace as such, it felt as if she had waited centuries. Chanyeol too, must have felt the same longing as her, his head turning down to deepen the kiss and his tongue jotting out to run effortlessly against her own.

They leaned in together, savoring one another in a manner she thought was only unique to them. He tasted of sweetened candy and a raw type of enticement that she has come to associate as purely Chanyeol. He let out a restrained noise of approval as her hands traced up his firm back and latched onto his neck, her roaming fingers tugging softly on the ends of his tangled locks.

She’s realized that no matter how many times she’s kissed him, or how long ago it’s been, each time is like a new shock of surprise, sending tingles of warmth through her body and reminding her how much she longs for him when away from his gentle, lingering touches. To her, Chanyeol was a sweet addiction, one she was sure boosted her health like that of a vitamin; once she had her first taste of what it felt like to be wanted, trusted, loved, she made sure to take her daily dose.

He pulled back from the kiss, his now swollen lips hovering in the almost non-existent space between hers, his breath fanning lightly against her nose. She gulped and leaned forward to brush another lasting peck on his lips, not yet willing to let him free. Seoyun felt him smile into the kiss at her actions, still not use to how much bolder she has gotten through the years. The mouse haven grown into the cat.

"I missed you," he whispers after she broke away, his nose rubbing against hers in a loving manner. "You were gone for so long today."

She internally snorted at his clinginess, pushing him lightly back despite her fluttering heart wanting him near, just so she could give him a pointed look. He didn’t approve of her friend, she parties too much Seoyun, hangs out with the wrong people, and it was showing in his voice and eyes. She’s the only consistent friend Seoyun’s ever had though, she’s family more than anything.

“You’re going to have to get over missing me every once in a while,” she retorted.

“Never.”

“And when you go on day trips with the boys? What do I do then?”

He stopped short, his head tilting lightly, “You tell us to have a good time.”

“Exactly.”

“Ah babe,” he quickly said as he fell deeper into her trap, “it’s different with the boys, though.”

“You keep saying that and find out what happens.”

He huffed, throwing her his scrunched nose I should be winning this look. She loved that look. “Regardless, it was a long time. I didn’t even see you this morning. I wanted to make pancakes.”

“And?”

“And?” He mimicked in a ‘girly voice’ that he has deemed to sound exactly like hers.

Seoyun let out a disbelieving laugh at his no-nonsense face, showing that he really doesn't care how long she was gone, it was always going to be too long. Although she would never give him the pleasure of admitting his affect on her, she felt the same way about him after barely being apart for the five years they have been dating. To Seoyun, Chanyeol is home, somewhere she didn't have to act like anyone else or smile just out of forced habit. Chanyeol took her heart for his and made it feel welcomed and safe.

She reached out and pinched him before he could say anymore, deciding to ignore his indignant yelp and instead, reach for the key that was so perfectly resting behind her. Seoyun turned around in Chanyeol's loose embrace and stretched her fingers over the top of the refrigerator until they closed on a small and cold object. Lowering her hand, she presented the key to Chanyeol with a teasing smile playing on her curling lips. He lets a loud groan out from the sight, his large hand clasping around her smaller one as his shoulders deflated from her playful giggles.

"I would have eventually found it..." He defends, purposely giving Seoyun that pouty look he knows will melt her insides.

"Uh, huh" She crinkles her nose at his antics for what feels like the tenth time this night, bumping her hip with his as the two of them walked from the kitchen, hand in hand.

Seoyun helped Chanyeol bring the Christmas decorations in, the four tubs lining the living room next to the big tree they bought yesterday evening at the city's Christmas Celebration. They’d been coming ever since they met six years ago, as a nod to whatever forces were smiling down on them that day. The past was present and fleshy to her then— Chanyeol, though, never seemed to mind her anxious actions. He was good like that, pushing her in the right direction with just enough pressure to make her realize her own potential. She feels that the tree and this time in general, helps her keep that in mind.

She stood with her hands on her hips, catching her breath as she looked up at the massive height of this tree. Seoyun felt Chanyeol come back to her side, his hand trailing to wrap around her small waist. "I can't believe you talked me into getting this tree..." She mumbled into his shoulder. "How are we even going to get the star on the top?"

Chanyeol's deep chuckle rumbled through her side. "Well, obviously you are too short to do it, but I, on the other hand, can easily reach the top." She turned out of his embrace at hearing his sly tone, taking notice of the few feet difference between Chanyeol's height compared to the tallness of the tree.

His in character sarcasm was bleeding through his loose grin and also per-normal, she had no response but to shake her head. She was, however, getting better at his game.

"Okay, Mr. Giant," she teased. "The star is all your job then— make it perfect or suffer the consequences!"

Chanyeol gave her a mock salute as she moved away, "Yes Ma'am!"

She moved to grab the box of decorations, eyeballing the variations of ornaments the two of them have collected together with a starry gaze. There was the shiny, store bought trinkets, ranging from glass cylinders to mini characters from the movie Zootopia (Chanyeol's pick, not hers). Then there were more special ones, like the one his mom sent them on their first anniversary, a snowflake with their names on it. Or the handmade heart displaying a picture of Chanyeol's best friend, Baekhyun, given by Baekhyun to them last Christmas— Seoyun could only describe him as a special person. Her favorite ornament, though, was the one Chanyeol and her made two Christmas years ago at her work's annual holiday party. It was a simple clear ball, but the two of them had taken turns writing their favorite memory with one another on opposite sides.

Chanyeol had written something incredibly cheesy like every moment with you is my favorite moment and she still smiles now when she sees it. Seoyun never stopped being amazed at all the small devotions of their relationship that they had managed to collect from their years together. He spoiled her with things her parents told her she wasn't worth enough to have. It was a stark reminder to her most of the time, but now, it just made her content and thankful to have someone who didn't mind reassuring her that words only hold meaning if you let them.

Chanyeol and her began hanging the decorations on the tree and around the house diligently, Chanyeol wrapping the lights and Seoyun setting out the countdown calendar like usual. By the time two hours had passed, the house was fully decked out in holiday gear. The wreath had been placed, the elves were on the shelves, candy canes littered the bowls on every table, cinnamon sticks and scented pine cones were filling the air with their holiday smell, and the tree was fully decorated— well, all except for the star.

Chanyeol fumbled with the brass star in his palms, looking between it and the tree with a scornful look. She busied herself with tidying up his work on the tree (he always seems to place all of his favorite ornaments on one side of the tree so he could easily see them, totally not caring how much this messes up the aesthetic balance she strives to create.)

"Ah ha!" Chanyeol exclaimed, making Seoyun jump in her spot. Before she could ask anything though, he was grabbing her by the hand while bouncing up and down on his heels.

"Okay so here is how we are going to do this," he starts, giving her a super serious look that she could only meet with furrowed eyebrows as she took in the large star.

“The plan goes as follows: first we are going to—”

She cut him off, placing her hand against his lips. “We?” She raised her eyebrows to further her point, to which he mirrored with what she could only describe as a mockingly annoyed look. “I thought I was too short to help with the star.”

Chanyeol's eyes faded to a sheepish smile around her fingers before she slowly dropped them. He pleads her name softly under his breath, so she would have to lean in to hear him. "You know I didn't mean it." He whispers, his lips coming together to form a cute pout and his eyes turning into that big puppy dog stare. "Please help out your poor Channie, please." He bats his eyelashes for extra support.

She pretended to fake gag, though really she knew she couldn’t hold out against that look and feared her insides turning to mush. “You’re gross.” She settled on saying, letting a drawn-out sigh escape her lips. Chanyeol beamed, bouncing down on his toes to scoop her up into a too tight hug. His lips left a trail of mushy kisses against her cheek that made her fidget in his grip, an 18+ warning leaving her tongue and causing him to promptly set her down.

"Okay, okay," Chanyeol started again, pulling her over to the Christmas tree. "You hop on my shoulders and I'll keep you steady as you put the star on top."

"What!?" Seoyun half yells, giving Chanyeol a look that screams that he must be out of his mind.

"What?" He repeats, seeing nothing wrong with the situation. "I won't let you fall, I promise." He quickly adds at seeing her unrelenting face. "You know I would never let you fall— unless it's for me, then fall all you want."

She hit Chanyeol in the chest as he let out a loud laugh, rubbing the place she hit him with a wince like she actually hurt him, even though they both know she didn't. He gives her an endearing look as she begins to contemplate his plan. She did trust Chanyeol not to let her fall and the only other option was to climb a chair which seemed like even more of a risk. Seoyun felt her eyebrows begin to come together in the middle as she sighed in defeat— hoping that her choice would come out to be the lesser of two evils.

"Fine," she jabbed a finger in his chest, which he caught between his and brought up to land a quick kiss on. "But you'll pay if you drop me."

Chanyeol easily agreed to her terms and before she could even think about changing her mind, he was hoisting her up like a weightless doll onto his shoulders, his hands coming to rest comfortingly around her thighs. She straightened out, gaining her wobbly balance before reaching out towards the tree with the star. Seoyun easily placed it on top with a smile, admiring the tree from the tall view. It was ever so slightly lopsided and despite her rearranging, the ornaments were a little all over the place. But that was okay, because it was cute and homey. Mostly, though, she and Chanyeol had made it together, so that alone made it worth it.

"Okay," She seemed to whisper, her hands going down to brush through the messy mop of hair on his forehead. "I am ready to be put down now Channie." Seoyun claimed, looking down at him underneath her.

"I don't know," he muttered with a distant look in his eyes, one she almost could recognize as trouble. "I think I am starting to get used to this view." Chanyeol swiftly turned his head and buried his face on the inside of her bare thigh, making Seoyun's eyes shoot open.

"Park Chanyeol!"

thank you for reading

please like and reblog if you enjoyed :)

please remember:

+ do not plagiarize

+ suggestions are open

visit the masterlist

come chat with me

find me on asianfanfics

#smearsyd writes #exo #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol drabble #exosnet #exowritersnet #park chanyeol #exo chanyeol #fanfiction #chanyeol fanfic #exo fluff #exo romance #exo series

26 notes · View notes

renaroo · 4 years

Text

Thinking Positive

Disclaimer: Doom Patrol and associated characters are the creative property of DC Comics Warnings: internalized homophobia, depression Rating: T Synopsis: In order to heal, Larry will have to work on being more positive. It’s a long and difficult journey.

A/N: I watched Doom Patrol last year and to say I loved it would be a major understatement. But the thing that took me by surprise the most was just how meaningful Larry Trainor’s story was to me, someone who also grew up surrounded by a lot of homophobia and feels like openly living with pride is still a difficult and ongoing struggle into my adulthood.

And with global quarantine being what it is, I’ve had a lot of strange and curious time on my hands to work on things so far as mental health is concerned. And it’s had me thinking a lot about how sometimes negativity and cyncism is a coping mechanism that’s easy to use but damaging in the long run. I tend to take that perspective away from Larry’s story rather than the way the show sometimes dismisses valid personal fears of outing and shames closeting. So this rambling story came barreling out of me. I hope it makes some sense.

Larry dismissed himself from dinner with the rest of Doom Manor’s residents.

It didn’t take much more than some dismissive words on his part, easily ignored over the rambunctious antics of Jane and Cliff, or the attempts to quell said antics by Vic and Flex. Rita was the most difficult to escape, considering Larry was her main outlet for commentary, but even she was willing to let him go when he stressed that he was tired.

He had tired rather easily over the last few months, and Rita knew why even more than the others.

In some ways, it was like therapy. In other ways, it was like torture. But that had always been Larry’s dilemma. He was rarely allowed to have one over the other.

Even before the Negative Spirit melded to his very soul.

When Larry attempted to frame his fears in less selfish designs, he framed his need for more energy as being there for the others. Cliff needed to have someone counter his gutsier instincts. Jane’s sarcasm needed someone equally verbose in it. And Rita, of course, counted on Larry’s counsel more than anyone’s. But it was easier, lately, with each other, with the others like Vic and Flex and even Dorothy, young in appearance and still finding her place as she was.

Besides all that, Larry had made a promise to himself that he wasn’t going to blame his reluctance on others anymore.

Which led to the closing of the thick lead door behind Larry. The slow removal of his protective bindings as the Richter scale crackled in the decompression port. The daily walk through his metal room and his radiation proofed furniture.

It was funny to think that his room had changed so little from the minimal aesthetic it had when the Chief first offered him a place nearly half a century ago. Funny, but also uncomfortable. Like it was wrong and stupid of him, but it had been so long that it would be weirder if Larry attempted to make any big changes.

He laid down on his bed and made himself comfortable, his hands rested over his chest, close to his heart.

Larry gazed at the ceiling and felt the rumbles deep in his body which let him know that the spirit was aware of what time it was.

“Hey there, buddy,” Larry said, voice low and tired. “It’s that time again. The one where I try to get stuff off my chest.” His hands tapped rather nervously over his shirt. It was light enough that the nerve damage kept the tips of his fingers from truly feeling more than the slight pressure of it. “Literally.”

For the life of him, Larry couldn’t figure out why he always started out so nervous and uncomfortable every day.

Then again, Larry had lived his entire life nervous and uncomfortable. It was hard to break habits formed over a century, he supposed.

“Okay, well, here goes nothing,” Larry sighed, closing his eyes and preparing himself. Idioms aside, it did not feel like nothing, it felt like everything every time.

“Start from the top? Positive things?” Larry asked out loud. With his eyes closed, the rumble from the negative spirit felt even stronger, more enthusiastic perhaps. “Of course, you eat those up. Alright.

”Today my azaleas began to bloom early. I got some rhododendron seeds in the mail. Chief is offering to get me a new greenhouse on the property, to expand things. Dorothy made me a flower crown. She didn’t use any of my flowers. I think she used paper and then with her, ah, powers turned them into real flowers. Usually, her using her powers is disturbing, like the whole thing with the puppets. But this was, you know, cute. I liked it. I mean it’s quicker to use a Snapchat filter, but…”

The negative spirit rumbles more abruptly. It gives Larry a sense of warning or disapproval.

“I know, I know, staying positive,” he sucks in a deep breath. It’s the sort of deep, lung filling breath that he’s only capable of thanks to the negative spirit’s possession of him. Their temporary separation reminded him of that. That, however, was an unspoken positive between them.

“I tried a new recipe, everyone seemed to enjoy it,” Larry continued. “It’s curried roasted eggplant with smoked cardamom and coconut milk.” He couldn’t resist the huff of a laugh that escaped him as a result. “Sheryl would’ve never believed it.”

There was a numbness that spread out from his chest. It was an overwhelming sense, but Larry considered it a good development.

He and the Negative Spirit both took a long time to have a response to his ex-wife being invoked that was anything other than overwhelmingly negative.

Still, it was best to trade subjects and not linger on old regrets. As natural as it was for Larry to do that.

“With all the new residents, this place has really gotten lively,” he said, arching his neck back more comfortably on the pillow. “I know I’ve let you out a few times to explore that for yourself, but you probably miss a lot of the little things.”

A gentle hum radiated out from his chest. Positive? Affirmation? Larry was still deciphering the finer bits.

“It’s good for all of them,” Larry concluded. “They fit together well. Well, not fit. The whole point of this place is that fitting is…”

He trailed off, catching his own turn toward negativity long before the spirit had a chance to disrupt him.

“It’s nice, seeing how meaningful it is for Cliff and Jane to have someone…” Larry scowled and lifted up one of his hands from his chest to scrub at his face. Doom Manor was so hard to contextualize sometimes. “Not younger. She’s older than all of us. Smaller? It’s nice to see Cliff and Jane both have someone smaller to look out for. Daughter. Little sister. However it goes.” He lowered his hand down to his side, away from his chest where he’d more acutely feel the rumbles of the Negative Spirit’s responses. “Did I mention she made me a crown? That was nice.”

Larry lapsed into silence, his eyes unfocused as they stared at his ceiling and past it toward all the feelings and regrets of a long life.

He never felt the need to regain a sense of fatherhood like Cliff was haunted by. But he had been a father, too. He had been a father of two.

And he never saw either of them again. Never tried.

Sheryl had taken them away to a better life. Maybe she remarried, to a man who could love her the way she deserved to be love. Maybe the boys got a father who could teach them all the things about being a man that were beyond Larry’s comprehension.

It probably would have been simple enough to find out, if Larry had asked questions or reached out.

But he hadn’t. He forfeited that part of his life, just like he had forfeited so much else.

In some ways, he hoped Sheryl had told the boys he had died. That way they never grew up wondering why Larry hadn’t reached out. So they didn’t have the accurate picture of what a coward their fearless flyboy father had been.

There was no telling how much time he was prepared to spend down that path before his body jolted.

Not without warning, the Negative Spirit seized through Larry’s body with force and separated. His eyes rolled back into his head and everything went limp and dark.

When Larry woke with a gasp, he already knew what had happened, but he sat upon his bed all the same and grabbed at his head in frustration.

“Look! This is part of it!” he yelled toward his chest. His heart was racing, equal parts the Negative Spirit’s pulsing and Larry’s own anger. “I know, I know we need to work on being positive, but you got yourself paired with one of the most naturally negative sons of bitches on the planet. This wasn’t just about you, alright? We’ve talked about this before. I was born negative. I’ve been looking at the dark side of things since I was seven years old and that’s not changed in a century. You have to work with me here if we’re going to get anywhere.”

He was answered only by the creaks and groans of Doom Manor.

“I’m allowed to remember bad things, you know,” Larry continued to argue. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe everyone’s right and I’ve been letting them rule me. I-I know you’re all right about that. But completely avoiding and ignoring negative things doesn’t keep them from existing. It’s dangerous. And it’s wrong.” His frown deepened. “I’d be more of a monster than I ever dreamed myself being, if I thought anything less than the fact that the boys didn’t deserve what they had to go through. Alright? They may be old men now, but they are still my boys. And they deserved not losing everything they ever knew. And they didn’t deserve all the secondhand anxiety and paranoia from me. Those are just facts. Even if they were unavoidable.”

Finally, the Negative Spirit hummed again.

“What? That’s what you wanted from me?” Larry asked, splaying his hands against his chest to feel the rumble more. “You wanted me to say it was unavoidable? Look, how many times do I have to learn these lessons until you’re satisfied?”

There was quiet once more.

“If it’s until I believe them,” Larry’s voice softened to a murmur, “we’ll be doing this every day for a long time. Maybe until the day I finally die. And even then it might not be enough. You know that, right? I’m pretty majorly fucked in here, and a good amount of that came with the package before you joined in, buddy.”

The hum was unmistakable that time, Larry felt it through his core.

Okay.

“Okay,” Larry repeated, laying back down. “Stop having fits the second we go into some territory you don’t like, I’ll try to respond quicker.”

There was another unmistakable hum through his chest.

“If you’re wondering about the conversation with Rita about Flex, then you probably were already aware of most of it,” Larry snorted. “I’m coming up on one hundred years old, I don’t want to repeat what I said to my best friend about someone else’s quads.” He tossed his head a little from side to side and then sighed. “They are nice, though. And admitting it out loud didn’t light me on fire, so, who knows. Maybe being gay does get easier with practice.”

That seemed to satisfy the spirit, and it did Larry, too.

Small victories — victories so small that a previous version of himself might have argued they weren’t worth celebrating, not for the amount of time it took for him to get to that point. But he felt the accomplishment all the same.

There were so many regrets and so much fear in his life that was still there, and he still didn’t believe that erasing all of it was the fully responsible or realistic thing to do.

But he could make himself lighter, in whatever small increments he could. And that was surely worth the battle alone.

#writing #dc fic #Larry Trainor #Negative Man #Keeg Bovo

39 notes · View notes

marquiswrites · 5 years

Text

White Christmas

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)

Characters: James “Bucky” Barnes, Reader, Tony Stark [Guest Appearance]

Relationship: James “Bucky” Barnes/Reader,

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 1535

Warnings: FLUFF, small language

Author’s Notes: Written for @mypassionsarenysins for their #mypassionsarenysins1k challenge! My prompt was “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby. This was super fun to write and gave me a chance at some sweet sweet fluff to balance out my usual Angst and Mystery categories. I hope that you enjoy! [also, nothing against Las Vegas for the people who live there, but I too live in a desert, and no snow on xmas is a sucky tradition]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One hundred and ninety four days.

That’s how long you and Bucky had been undercover in Las Vegas. Trying to catch out a Hydra base that was somewhere in this miserable desert. It was far too cold for the fact that there was absolutely not a single snowflake in sight.

You pouted once more, leaning over the balcony of the hotel suite that they had put the both of you in. Under the guise of foreman overseeing the construction of yet another Casino and hotel. It gave you both reason enough to be in the city for as long as you had been, and to chat up the other managers and foreman. But you had made little to no headway on figuring out whether the intel was good.

And now here you both were, on Christmas eve, in weather more suited to fall or even late summer. Clear and dry.

After so long on the east coast, or even the occasional trips to Europe, it was depressing. To put it plainly. And to make it all worse, you were with the one Avenger who couldn’t stand to be around you for more than a few minutes at a time if you weren’t actively working.

You and Bucky made a good team, Natasha’s training had helped you to come far in hand to hand combat since your first days with the team; and your enhanced ability made Bucky an absolute force of nature, strength and endurance expanded even past the capabilities of the super soldier serum, with absolutely no side effect due to the increased healing component. You worked well together, and your histories with Hydra helped you to understand each other on a level that none of the rest of the team shared.

But he also absolutely refused to acknowledge your existence half the time. Maybe it was because he was finally regaining memories, maybe because it was of the fact that you had grown up a Hydra Princess for the first half of your childhood, privileged compared to how he was tortured. Likely it was just because that was how he was. Reticent with most of the crew, except for Sam and Steve.

And you were so desperately in love with him that it hurt. Sending flutters through your chest every time your gazes met. Your mouth ran dry with his every smile, though it was usually saved for when you were actively on the job, a facade, no matter how real it looked.

Now you were stuck with each other on Christmas.

Happy holidays to you.

You tucked your hand against your cheek. Sighing to yourself once more as you watched the lights of the Strip. You were far enough away that the noise fell away across the desert, so much quieter than anything that you were used to.

Which made it worse that you didn’t realize Bucky had joined you on the deck until he was clearing his throat. “If you want, you can always go and do somethin’. I’m not about to make you miss christmas just cause Stevie’s got a stick up his ass about this case.”

Jumping out of your skin, you whipped around to find Bucky leaning against the open sliding glass door. Shirtless.

Which made you lose all ability to form words until it was almost too awkward to pick the conversation back up.

“You alright there, killer?” A raised brow suddenly brought you back to your senses.

“Uh yeah… just got caught up in my head.” Lifting a hand to rub at the back of your neck, shrugging slightly while you flicked your tongue against your lips. “But… what do you mean?”

Bucky chuckled softly, running a hand through his hair to push it back from his face. Possibly the most distracting habit that he had, well, the second most distracting at any case. “I mean if you got plans for the holiday. Go and catch a show. Get some drinks. Ice skate. Don’t have to be cooped up in here with me the whole time. Sad way to spend christmas, Doll.”

“I don’t mind. I mean… Everything is probably packed anyways, and there’s no snow or anything. Doesn’t really feel like Christmas, you know?” Shrugging once more as your gaze dropped. Missing the way that Bucky frowned at you.

“Yeah, guess that’s right. I’ll leave you to it then.” Bucky pushed himself off of the door jam, turning back inside. Leaving you with a growing pit in your chest. That niggling of anxiety that you tried to ignore most of the time. Resigning yourself to spending the rest of your evening out here, avoiding him in the hopes of keeping you from making a fool out of yourself.

It was quickly approaching midnight as you finally pushed off from the balcony, shuffling your way back inside the hotel room. Trying to keep quiet so you didn’t wake Bucky.

The only reason that you stayed out this long was to try outlasting the man’s seemingly incurable insomnia. Making it to the door of your room, pulling it open just to freeze as you caught sight of Bucky sitting on the edge of your bed. “You’re up late.”

You wet your lips and huff a laugh. “Says the man who never sleeps.”

“Did enough of that in Cryo. Come on, have something I want you to see.” Bucky stood, offering you your heaviest jacket and a pair of boots. Leaving you tilting your head up to him in confusion.

“Umm… I mean…”

“Doll, trust me.”

You wanted to tell him that you trusted him with your life, but those weren’t words that you said to people who couldn’t stand your company for more than five minutes. Instead just nodding dumbly. Slipping your feet into the boots, and the jacket over your arms. Watching as Bucky pulled out a blindfold, then swallowing tightly as he tied it around your eyes. “We’ll be there in just a few moments.”

It certainly felt like more than a few moments before you felt the car stopping. Listening for the opening of Bucky’s door, then the way it shut. Your own door opening, with a hand reaching gently from yours to lead you from it.

“I hope you know how very kidnappy this feels.”

“Don’t worry, Doll, if this is kidnapping, it’s the gentlest I’ve ever done.”

“Buck… That really, really doesn’t ease any of my concerns.” You manage to laugh as he guides you through what you are assuming in a parking lot. Ears straining as you caught the unlatching of a door, lifting a hand to feel the edge of it to confirm your thoughts.

“Smart, Doll, but stop cheating.” The warm laugh comes once more, bringing a heat to your cheeks. Warm in comparison to the sudden chill creeping along your skin. No wonder that he had wanted you to wear the coat. Your brow furrowing in confusion. Then wetting your lips as he moved to untie the knot at the back of your head, gently pulling the cloth from your eyes.

When you open your eyes, you can feel your breath catch in your throat. You heart skipping several beats as you stare out at the ice rink. Completely covered in snow from a machine blowing it in from one corner of the room. “But… how?”

“Made a call to Stark.” You can feel him shrug from where he stands just behind you, close enough to feel the warmth radiating from his body. Sending chills up your spine.

“But… why?”

“Because you deserve a White Christmas, Doll. And if I can do that for you, even if just for this one night, then I’m damn well gonna make it happen.”

In a sudden flurry of emotion, you twist on your toes, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your lips finding his in a desperate sort of gentleness, not caring how he might pull away at any second. Not caring that this might ruin any hope of him reciprocating those feelings. Just needing to express how much it meant that he would do this for you.

And then slowly melting in his arms as he met your kiss in return. A hand moving to cup the back of your head while his free arm slipped around your waist. Cradling you in place against him. Keeping you there, lips gently sliding across yours, for what felt like an eternity before he was pulling back to grin almost shyly.

“Well… if I had known it only took a bit of snow for you to notice me…”

You blink up at him before your forehead thuds against his shoulder. “We’re such idiots…”

“Yeah you both are, now get out there and enjoy the snow before they have to open this back up to the public. And turn off your coms next time old man.” Stark’s voice suddenly rings out across the loudspeaker system as a spotlight lands on you both. Leaving you and Bucky to both groan with embarrassment before bursting into a quiet sort of laughter. Bing Crosby’s classics gently filtering through the air as your gaze meets Bucky’s once more.

“Come on, Doll, let’s go enjoy our white christmas. Together.”

#mypassionsarenysins1k #Bucky x Reader #christmas fanfiction #James Buchanan Barnes #Tony Stark #avengers fanfiction #Reader insert

40 notes · View notes

ittakesrain · 4 years

Text

and here’s the narrative I just presented to my class

So it’s kinda weird to have 20 full minutes to talk about my experience, my strength, and my hope. I mean, I talk about myself and what makes me ME quite a lot; I’m lucky enough to have friends and family and a therapist who listen and understand and make me feel heard. But this feels different, and I’m honored to be sharing with all of you.

I’m gonna read something I wrote a long time ago that I reworked yesterday in order to make it better for this narrative exercise.

But before I do that, I just want to give a quick summary, through those five words Emily had us pick yesterday. Mine are: more, anorexia, personality, sexuality, and bipolar. They go in chronological order for the most part. And they help me understand chunks of my life and categorize them into…I guess into lessons I’ve learned.

“More” because I learned at a young age that my reactions to things were bigger, more emotional, and more dramatic

“Anorexia” because I spent the majority of high school locked in the lonely hell of starving away my problems, and because those years and the first few months of precious, innocent recovery shaped me tremendously

“Personality” because I’m proud of who I am and what I’m like and how I behave, even though I can be a lot to deal with, and I very much enjoyed the process of becoming me

“Sexuality” because my identity played an important role in my development and without my journey with it, I wouldn’t understand who I am and I wouldn’t be with my boyfriend who I love

And finally, “bipolar” because it explains things, it helps me make sense of things, it’s put me through a ton of shit but I’m still here standing next to it

…

When I was ten, it tugged at me.

At the time, I was merely confused. Maybe a little curious.

It felt weird more than anything else.

A vague and unfamiliar sensation that wouldn’t seem to go away.

I felt more, in every regard. Was that possible?

Something…wasn’t right.

I didn’t know what, but it didn’t really matter.

I distracted myself by learning to crochet and going about my regular fifth-grade business.

When I was thirteen, it pulled at me.

At the time, I was already agitated, as every new teenager is. I grew annoyed with it.

It was confusing, but no longer curious to me.

A troubling nuisance, forever in the back of my consciousness, on top of everything else.

Something was wrong.

I didn’t know what, and I didn’t have time to figure it out.

I distracted myself with writing and all the normal preoccupations of an eighth-grader.

When I was fourteen, it yanked at me.

At the time, I was stressed and upset and annoyed.

No longer confused, just pissed off with it.

A stupid, scary presence…a lingering sense of discomfort, and it was spreading.

My stomach soured in the presence of food,

Waves of sickness rippled through me at the mere thought.

I wasn’t good enough, could never be good enough, oh god, was it too late to try to be good enough?

Something was wrong. Very, definitely, completely wrong. Was it all related?

I didn’t know, didn’t care either. Still had no time to figure it out, nor the willpower to try.

I was too distracted to distract myself. Fucking ninth grade.

When I was sixteen, it ripped into me.

I was depressed.

It was empty. Hollow sadness that radiated into every aspect of my being.

Anxiety that pervaded every thought and action.

A dark cloud looming over me, terrible fears caving in on me.

Everything wrong. Nothing okay.

How did it get that way? How could it have gotten that way?!

I wondered how, and why, but had no energy to figure it out.

I distracted myself by starving my body into oblivion and cutting open my own skin.

Thinnest of blades drug over scars, one on top of another.

Ruined innocence, soiled purity, was it worth it to take one goddamn breath?

Fuck.

The darkness was first punctured when I was seventeen.

Light washed over everything.

It was like moving through a familiar world by means that were infinitely more fun.

Less painful and chaotic.

I was happy that the weight had been lifted (figuratively, at least).

It felt weird, but it was a relief more than anything else.

An oddly satisfying sensation that grew more comfortable every day.

It was finally okay.

I had the goddamn pizza AND the goddamn cookie.

I was proud of myself, and it felt good.

I celebrated by smiling at the beauty of the world around me.

I was eighteen when I fell again.

It was like tasting freedom only to realize it was all some sick joke.

Suffocating sadness juxtaposed next to pure happiness…

A throwback to three years wasted, a body wasted.

Something. Wasn’t. Right.

AGAIN!

Why, for the love of God, WHY?!

Exhausted, I cried to the universe for an answer.

And instead, I went crazy.

A respite came when I was nineteen.

A diagnosis.

“Are you on cocaine?” he asked.

“No.”

“Then you’re bipolar.”

It was confusing more than anything else.

But when I finally caught my breath, it started to go away.

A short punctuation, a precarious pause…

And then insanity.

Something was wrong, or right, or something, and what was I talking about?

I didn’t know.

I distracted myself with self-mutilation.

I was twenty when it came and went.

Repeatedly.

A roller coaster of twists and turns.

One flash flood after another.

I was twenty-one, I was twenty-two, I was twenty-three.

I was twenty-four, and you know the story by now.

Exhausted.

Clawing my way back up, climbing and scaling and reaching…

And falling.

The ground ripped from underneath me.

Again.

Get back up. Again.

Pushed back down. Again.

Sick frustration. Twisted, gnawing lack of energy.

Double fuck.

Fifteen years later.

Perspective and knowledge and maturity behind me.

Up and down.

I knew enough to center myself and ignore it.

UP and DOWN.

I was hanging in, struggling, but holding on.

Up down up down

It threw me off balance, but I had muscle memory from years of it, so I remained standing.

Up. Down.

Something’s right, something’s wrong.

As it always is.

I didn’t know why, but didn’t have to.

I pushed back,

Distracted myself by living my fucking life.

Easier said than done.

I was twenty-eight when I said enough was enough.

(When I begged the universe to see that enough was enough).

I wandered into the depths again,

Trudged through the muck again,

Fell too far again, I couldn’t get out again.

I threw myself deeper and farther and couldn’t bring myself to stop it, but

Life came to a grinding halt

(the way I’d been begging it to for so, so very long).

Blue paper scrubs.

Cups full of meds.

Visiting hours.

Coloring pages.

Hospital unit.

Groups and groups and groups.

Pacing the halls, laughing out loud, crying and shouting and breathing and…

I am twenty-nine.

And it’s been eight months.

I’ve been stable for eight months.

Almost three times as long as I’ve gone without spiraling into chaos

In more than half my life.

You know when you’ve been running for ages and it hurts so bad and you can’t catch your breath and finally you stop and rest and there’s a glorious influx of air into your lungs?

That feeling when you’ve lost you’re footing and you’re sure you’re gonna fall and you clench your body in preparation but you regain balance?

You know that feeling when you finally get that thing you’ve been wanting?

It’s called happiness.

It feels lovely.

I’m sitting here with my right hand on my ribcage, where the words that were tattooed upon them ten years ago remain, the reminder of a lesson I had learned and would continue to learn and shall most likely continue learning still…

It takes rain to make a rainbow.

Look, I’m not under the impression I’m going to be running through rainbows for the rest of forever. I’m not gonna sit here and be unrealistic. Life is full of ups and downs, and though I’ve certainly had my fill of them, that doesn’t make me exempt from future fluctuations.

The difference between ten year old me, sixteen year old me, twenty-four year old me…the difference between my past and my present is simply the fact that I’m living here now, doing what I can with what I have, and I’m ready to take on the next portion of my adventure.

It takes rain to make a rainbow. Take from those words what you will, but I for one am glad to have some perspective.

Experience = the full life I’ve lead for 29 years

Strength = communication, resilience, compassion, understanding

Hope = that little fire in my core that tells me to reach out when I’m struggling, to keep fighting when I don’t think I can, to love bigger and stronger and louder; the thing I’m struggling to find the words for, because right now, things are (dare I say) STABLE

#narrative #mental health #mental illness #eating disorder #bipolar #actually bipolar #writing #words #word vomit #presentation #personal post #laura journals obsessively

2 notes · View notes

mikeholdher · 4 years

Text

Here’s the problem...

Instead of debating, arguing, or whatever you call it for simple understanding. People always want to be a clear winner. So from that point forward you undermine the whole conversation.

You aren’t listening for understanding anymore. You’re listening so you can respond. And when that happens you cloud your own judgement and ability to think rationally. Something someone said that makes perfect logical sense you write off completely cause it doesn’t fit your narrative or if you agree with them you feel like you are losing.

I really wish less people had this mindset cause it ruins not only so many potential friendships but also the opportunity to mentally grow. You can learn so much from other people if you just listen with an open mind.

Scenario from earlier:

“Well I’m not going to date a tumblr person ever so...”

“Out of curiosity why is it a bad thing that I have a Tumblr??? Like what is a Tumblr person? So if I didn’t have a Tumblr you wouldn’t care?”

“Nvm. Too much to explain u won’t get it.”

“Thanks for insulting my intelligence there. So instead of explaining it and helping me to better understand something. He won’t get it... I'm not going to push the subject anymore. It's obvious I'm not worth your time or the explanation. I honestly pray your situation gets better and you find whatever it is you're looking for.”

“See what I mean ? U spin it to make yourself the victim. I dont date people I meet on tumblr. That's just my rule. There happy ?”

“See here's the problem. You're speaking from a place where there needs to be a clear winner and clear loser in this conversation...meanwhile I'm just trying to better understand a situation. I don't care if I lose. I can admit I'm wrong. I can agree with someone even if the outcome isn't ideal for me. I'm not sure you can do the same. In all seriousness I'm not being sarcastic here or trolling.You're right you don't owe me an explanation. I asked and instead of saying no. You told me I wouldn't get it.Those are two completely different answers. One simply says no. The other says I won't tell you cause you won't understand.There is no victim card there. It's a simple fact...you think I lack the capacity to understand = insulting my intelligence. How is that playing the victim?”

“It's like like a teacher going through a whole lesson...getting to the end and a student raises his hand and ask them to elaborate on something. And the teacher tells them they wouldn't understand...that's exactly what it is.

“ Ok.”

“We went through this whole talk earlier and this whole time you still think its because i want to make you feel inferior or force you to date me...that's the sad part about it.”

“I'm already off that. I'm thinking in terms of how I can better understand you. or any female for that matter so that it doesn't happen in the future.”

“ Like am I making any sense at all? “

And to be honest with you after reading I come off as condescending I think. And it’s not intentional at all. It’s a literal condition that I have from going through chemo and radiation that messes with my short term memory. So I struggle to get my point across.and have to re explain stuff I tell everyone this ahead of time and it’s like they just ignore it. It’s why I tell everyone I hate texting...verbal communication with tones and inflection are so much easier for me. It’s not me being creepy or trying to finessed a phone number or anything it’s legit an easier form of communication.

It’s frustrating getting profiled cause I’m a Male over the internet who slides in a DM and no matter what I say people don’t believe me.

I’m getting off topic. But the point I was trying to make is that everyone is so stuck in an “I don’t owe you an explanation,” mode or “you wouldn’t understand.” That it hurts society as a whole.If people were more open about sharing experiences and facing their traumas they’d realize a lot of the things they go through some of the people right next to them deal with as well. Anxiety, depression, feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, unrequited love, irritability, financial instability, and whatever else you can think of.

Like whenever someone ask me about cancer even though I’m still processing things from it I don’t turn them away. It makes things easier honestly. I get things out that have been weighing on my mind and stopping me from moving forward. And they learn more about something they are curious about. It’s a win win scenario.

“You are living proof that life is tough. It takes a incredibly strong person to fight like you did and continue to fight when your world is turned upside down. Seeing you fight is inspiring and makes me appreciate every little thing so much more. Bro if you ever need somebody to talk to, a ear to vent to or just somebody to bullshit with I’m here. I know we’ve never met and we don’t really know each other that well. But just know I care about you and that’s the least i could do, in return for the way you inspire the world.” - Frankie

“You are a fighter. Your mentality, positivity and strength throughout this difficult time has been an inspiration!” - Nikki

“Legit you’re put thru trials because you can handle them.you are an amazing individual for having the strength you have and you inspire me!everyday is a blessing not a guarantee. Stay strong brother you’ve made an impact on this life” - Andrew

“Damn man that last part hits different cause I always talk about how I just want to change people's lives and just be a positive influence. I'm glad to hear that. Let's me know I'm making progress on being a better version of myself. Not only that but making sure the people around me feel the same way.” - me

“Yes sir I’m aware about the people around me trust I’ve had a very interesting up bringing and I notice peoples struggles. And I’m open to peoples struggles. Your story is inspiring and I love that! You have affected me in a positive way so thank you 🙏🏾 you’re a fighter and I respect and admire that more than anything” - Andrew

“Thank you for the warning. More thankful for the sharing of honest words and REAL photos. While you may struggle with pride, your willingness to be vulnerable is admirable. Keep sharing. Keep fighting. ❤️.” - Kelli

These aren’t even half the people that I’ve talked to or shared my experience with. But each and every one of them has made this a lot easier to deal with. Now Imagine going through all of this alone. If I would have turned everyone away because I thought they were all the same.

So please don’t judge people from jump and assume that they are all the same. We aren’t. With everything going on in my life it’s a waste of energy to be petty, negative, or manipulative. It only hurts me in the long run cause I lose out on life changing experiences. And I know better than anyone tomorrow isn’t promised so I have to live in the moment.

“You have about 4 weeks to live...”

“This is above my pay grade so I have to send you up the road.”

“We’ll do our best to save your eye and make sure we don’t damage the brain.”

“We don’t know what it is. Cause it behaves like fibrous dysplasia but that take years to grow. This keeps coming back in months.”

“He’s coding... What happened?” passes out*

“He’s not responding to the epi pen.”

The list goes on...

#Me #Personal #Fuck Cancer #chivalry isnt dead #dating #relationships #friendships

3 notes · View notes

xxgoblin-dumplingxx · 5 years

Text

The Matchmaker: Thirteen

The fire crackled in the hearth and Bucky stretched lazily, half awake. You had really picked a nice couch. Plush and soft. Good for napping. Or, the activities that he’d just been doing on the sofa with you.

He looked down and smiled a little, adjusting the blanket gently to cover your bottom where it had bunched up and was leaving you exposed. He didn’t want you getting chilled.

His belly was comfortably full of pasta, he’d had a few glasses of wine, and he had the love of his life asleep on his chest. It was a nice night. A quiet celebration to mark the last of your doctorate work getting done. He knew you were worn out when you’d walked through the door.

It had radiated off of you. You looked exhausted and stressed. He always hated that. He looked up from the pasta sauce he was stirring and held out his arms, “Hey, Princess,” he said smiling, “Why don’t I run you a hot bath before dinner, huh?” You make a soft miserable sound. You’re cold and wet and it feels like the sides of your stomach are stuck together. You’d been too anxious to eat more than a couple bites of the chocolate chip pancakes Bucky had tried to get you to eat that morning. And what you had eaten you’d thrown up just from the nerves.

“I just wanna go to sleep,” you murmur, “I don’t even think I can eat.” You walk into his arms and thud your head gently against his chest.

He frowns and strokes your back tenderly, “What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

You shake your head and sigh, “Nothing,” you murmur, “I’m just tired.”

“At least go put on some dry clothes,” he says softly, “Get comfortable. Let yourself relax a little. Let your body realize you’re not running on adrenaline anymore.”

You nod and take a deep breath, “Okay,” you whisper.

“Good girl,” he praises gently, nudging you towards the stairs, “One step at a time.” He watches you go and shakes his head. He’s a little glad you turned down working for SHEILD. Some types of stress you could handle really well. A frenetic work pace. Lots of things at once, fine. All fine. But prolonged stress, being stressed out for days on end while you unsnarled tangles and had no apparent end to the worrying? Nope. You were built for sprints, not Marathons. SHEILD was constant stress. Constant pressure. He didn’t doubt that you could adjust but he’d prefer you not have to. The effects on your body aside, he wondered what it would do to your heart.

Bucky listens with half an ear and nods to himself when he hears the shower start, adjusting the temperature of the stove and starting the water for pasta. He knew you’d sworn off carbs for right now, but he also knew that you were miserable. He figured breaking the diet that he didn’t even think was necessary wouldn’t hurt. Not for one day. Not if it meant that you went to sleep with a full belly and he didn’t find you awake at 3am possessed by some manic cleaning demon after an anxiety-induced nightmare vaulted you out of bed. Fully awake and already in a panic. He hated that too. How easily all the shit your older sister had said and done to you instilled that you were never going to be enough. How all the things stupid boys, who didn’t understand you, had perpetually made you question if it was a trap if anyone asked about things you were interested in. It was only now that he lived with you that he really noticed it.

For a moment he’d thought you had a double life or something. But it wasn’t that. It was a massive, sprawling, fantasy epic you had spent the better part of 15 years writing and refining. There were multiple languages, cultures. All this detail and illustration... It had made his head spin when he’d found the stacks of journals and loose-leaf papers in binders. You’d very cautiously, shyly explained that it was how you’d put in to practice some of the theoretical things you read about when you were first wrestling with it. Without any real-world experience to really draw on. Or access. You’d just crafted one to test things out on. “Like Tolkein but like... Less racist and somehow more pretentious,” you’d told him. You looked like you were waiting for him to laugh at you. He couldn’t really do anything but stare. At least not for a moment.

“Can I read it?” he asked.

“No,” you answered hesitantly, hugging the binder you’re holding to your chest, like he might take it from you. Like someone probably had before.

He hadn’t pressed. He’d simply nodded and very carefully added the journals and binders to the shelf next to your desk. Where you could get to them if you wanted them.

Your quiet footfalls on the wood floors make him lookup. You’ve stolen one of his t-shirts and found a clean pair of pajama bottoms. Your hair is still dry, but your skin is pink. The water must have been hot. A lot hotter than Bucky liked it.You look better. Kinda. At least less frazzled.

When your arms wrap around his waist and your cheek rests against his back he smiles, “Baby, I got a fire going before you got home,” he coaxed, “Why don’t you go cuddle up with a blanket... I’ll bring you some dinner and a glass of wine.”

“I still feel nauseous,” you tell him groggily.

He frowns, “At least try, Princess. You need to eat. You might even feel better if we get a little something in your stomach.”

He watches you go as you shuffle through the doorway and frowns. You really do need rest. He can practically see the anxiety and the depression it leaves behind gnawing at you. He knows this is a temporary state. A rudderlessness left behind after your life’s work this far getting handed over. But. He’d much rather drown you in pasta and cuddles until you fall asleep than just let you fall asleep face down on the bed like you are.

It doesn’t take long to have a couple bowls and a couple glasses of wine put together on a tray. The TV is off but you have the record played on and playing softly. He smiles a little, you’re wrapped up in the fluffy throw off the couch hugging the stuffed dog he bought you as a joke when you asked for a puppy. “Here, Sweetheart,” he said handing you a bowl and a glass. When you take them your hands a trembling just a little and it reaffirms his assessment that you need food in your belly.

You take them and take a deep breath. “Thank you,” you murmur. Bucky nods and sinks into the couch gently, “I made brownies too,” he said, proud of himself.

You smile up at him and take a sip of wine, “You’re getting pretty domestic,” you tease, “Don’t worry I won’t tell Sam.” Bucky grinned, “Well, I gotta get some skills. You know. Since you’re gonna be a Professor. And a Consultant for the UN... Once I retire I’m practically gonna be a trophy husband. I gotta keep you interested in me somehow.”

You laugh softly, “Well I appreciate the efforts. Even if you are gonna make me fat.” Bucky rolled his eyes, “Baby, you’re perfectly healthy. Fuck that magazine. You’re healthy. You work out more than I do. You can eat whatever you want.” You sigh, “I know. It’s still not nice to read while I’m trying to get groceries.”

Bucky nodded, “I know, Sugar.” He kisses you gently and smiles a little, “But let’s not worry about those assholes now, huh? Just relax and let me take care of you. You worked hard. You deserve a treat.” You nod and take another sip of wine, “Okay,” you sigh, “This actually looks really good... Food Network?”

“Facebook,” he said grinning.

____________

He managed to coax you into most of the pasta and a brownie between two glasses of wine. You unwound slowly and Bucky felt better. He hated it when you had yourself worked up.

It also hadn’t taken long for him to work you back up again in a completely different way. He applied considerable efforts into getting you sleepy and relaxed. He figured a slow, snuggly round of lovemaking would probably be just the thing. When he had you naked and squirming under his hands, he pinned you gently to the couch and lavished kisses down your body, nuzzling your stomach affectionately. There wasn’t much talking but there didn’t need to be. He knew what you liked. You knew that in the back of his mind, he was thinking about how pretty you’d look growing his baby.

“I love you,” you’d panted, your legs wrapped around his waist to pull him closer.

“Who doesn’t?” he teased, kissing you hungrily.

After he’d spent inside you and you were pleasantly tired instead of mind-numbingly exhausted, he’d held you. You’d snuggled into his arms and hid your face in his neck.

It hadn’t taken long for you to fall asleep. The comfort of a full stomach, a gentle orgasm, and a warm body to cuddle paired with the sweetness of Bucky humming along with the record he’d put on had you fast asleep in a few minutes.

Bucky felt like he was in heaven, drowsing there in a hazy, twilight state. It was a level of comfort he never thought was possible. He never knew it was possible to be this content. This blissed out.

He adjusted the blanket over you gently and stroked your hair. This was home and he couldn’t wait to be a trophy husband.

Tags: @lancsnerd @stevieang @golddaggers @blameitonthecauseway @qxeen-of-hearts @process-pending @xmarveled @beautybyfire, @etherealwaifgoddess, @mschellehitt, @mistressoftorture @thorfanficwriter, @ctinadiva, @innerpaperexpertcloud @amalthea9 @cdwmtjb8 @notyourtypicalrose

#Bucky Barnes #soft bucky #hurt/comfort #angst-ish #fluff #kinda smut #breeding kink mention #bucky x reader

56 notes · View notes

gotboredwrote · 5 years

Text

Starting Early // TM!JFM

Pairing: Tim Murphy x Fem!Reader Word Count: 8.2K Style: One-Shot Warnings: Fluff, some pregnancy discussions, swearing, some angst Summary: You and Tim had been trying for a baby for a while, and one day you popped into the museum with a small box in hand ready to make what you could only imagine was a very stressful day better. Once it’s official, Tim cannot wait to show the baby around his place of work. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: This could have been written for literally anyone I write for but I had a strong urge for Tim, so that’s that.

Masterlist

To say that it had been a stressful time in Tim’s life was an understatement. One of the biggest stresses of his life had recently come to a head, though, and that was yours and his wedding. But he would never admit to you that the planning had stressed him out. You, on the other hand, made that apparent. That was something he loved about you. You were not shy, so you two balanced each other out. The wedding ended up being absolutely amazing, and the honeymoon was a great way to relieve all the pent-up stress.

Once the honeymoon was over and the two of you were back to your daily grinds, the other stresses in his life returned, including the museum, dealing with his kooky family, and a new pressure entered, as well. One that he was not quite sure he was ready for, but knew he wanted the minute you suggested the idea. You two were going to try for a baby.

But things were not working out the way you wanted. You were positive you were doing things right, but it had been months and no test came back positive. After almost half a year of trying, you were both getting extremely discouraged, and Tim’s workload had increased tenfold, so he was even more tense than usual. To say that you both were wrecked over the situation was an understatement, and after the day you saw Tim go to work with tears in his eyes, you were determined to pick up his spirits. But you were not sure how you were going to do that.

Until you took the most recent test.

You had woken up sick to your stomach the morning after Tim left with tears in his eyes, and could not hold it back. Tim was about to walk out the door when he heard you in the bathroom and rushed over to the door to check on you.

“Babe?”

All he was met with were some sputtering coughs.

“Y/N?”

“W-what?”

“You need me to stay home today?”

You trudged your way over and opened the door to face him instead of talking through it.

“I’m okay. The chicken last night must not be agreeing with me. I’ll be okay, go get your work done. I’ll just see you when you come home, okay?”

“But you’re sick, I can’t—”

“Yes you can. I’ve been sick when you’re away on a dig and been fine.”

“You’ve been sick when I’m away and not told me?!”

“This is exactly why I didn’t tell you, honey. Now go off to work because I think round two is coming.”

“Babe—”

And the door was shut in his face. ‘Great,’ he thought. ‘Now I have to worry about her, my job, and the fact that my body is so screwed up it can’t even give her a damn baby.’ He walked out to his car feeling even more defeated than usual and a little bit depressed. He could not help but wonder if he was worth being with you, as dramatic as that was.

As Tim was walking out, and you were finishing up the round two that came rather violently, something dawned on you. And it both terrified you and made you thrilled.

Once you felt like you could stand up without feeling dizzy, something else that had been happening the last few days, you got changed and grabbed your own car keys. You raced down to your local drug store, the same pharmacist seeing where in the store you were heading. He was glad you did not see him, but he gave you a pitiful look. He stopped counting after you had bought 40 tests. He had never seen someone more determined to have a baby, and he just did not have the courage to breach such a sensitive subject with you. But he did not have to worry for much longer, because the next time you came in the store, you bought beef jerky, something you or Tim never ate. And he knew.

When you got home, you practically shot gunned a bottle of water in an effort to get ready for the little stick that was more daunting than it should have been. Then, as soon as you felt the sensation, you went in the bathroom, and the waiting game commenced.

5 minutes.

…

It was not even two little lines you got to see. You had splurged in the hopes that maybe this would be the one on one of those tests that quite literally spells out ‘not pregnant’ or ‘pregnant.’ You read the result.

And you could not wait to drive to the museum.

The drive usually only takes about 20 minutes, and even though that was all it took this time, the nerves and nausea radiating through your stomach made it feel like 20 years. On the way there, you had stopped at a local craft store and bought a small, white box and some blue and pink tissue paper to place the test in. It was astounding to you how a small piece of plastic was about to change yours and Tim’s life for the better.

You parked your car and made your way into the museum, Lilah the normal receptionist sitting in her chair having her daily coffee and pastry. She saw you walk in, smiled at you, and waved you through. Normally, the people who come to see someone on staff are required to have a visitor pass, and when you and Tim first started dating, you were no exception to the rule. Now, the entire staff of the museum knew who you were, and thought it was just plain silly for a staff member’s wife to wear a badge, especially when you visited so much you practically worked there yourself.

Once through the opening exhibit, you made your way back to the hallway of offices and walked up the flight of steps to the second floor where Tim’s office was. As you were walking up the steps, though, one of Tim’s bosses happened to be walking down and started talking to you.

“Y/N! I’m not really surprised to see you here, but it’s always nice to see you, nonetheless. What does Tim owe the pleasure?”

“I actually have a surprise for him, Jerry.” Jerry was Tim’s oldest boss, and he was genuinely the sweetest man you had ever gotten the pleasure of meeting. “Is he in his office?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure, actually. Here, I’ll follow you up and if his door is locked, I can let you in and you can wait for him.”

“That’d would be great, Jerry, thank you very much.”

You walked up, and sure enough Tim’s office was locked. Having Jerry there was a blessing, and he was about to leave you and lock the door behind him, when he turned around.

“Sweetheart?”

You looked up at him with wide eyes and a hum.

“If I may… what is that little gift you have? Today isn’t Tim’s birthday, is it?” “Oh! No, no it isn’t. This is actually just a bit of a surprise for him, is all. Surprised me, too, if I’m being transparent.”

“Is it what I think it is?”

You nodded enthusiastically, tears already threatening to spill from your eyes.

“Well. Knowing Tim, you’re about to make him the happiest man on Earth. And you already did the day you married him. Congratulations, deary.”

You could not even bring yourself to say thank you because you had started crying happy tears. Jerry shut the door behind you and you heard the lock click. You had calmed your crying down after about 5 minutes, and then another 5 minutes later, you heard the door unlock again. Tim walked in with an enormous stack of paperwork that completely dropped to the floor when he saw you seated at his desk. Thankfully, it was all in sealed file folders, so nothing cascaded across the floor.

“Jesus! Ah… oh my god. Y-Y/N… what are you… doing here?” Tim had to speak between breaths because you had scared him so badly.

“Sorry, honey! I just wanted to come see you and your door was locked, so Jerry let me in so I could sit down.”

“It’s…it’s fine. Just let me… catch my breath for a sec.” Tim sat down at the chairs that were opposite his chair, not wanting to make you get up, roles reversed momentarily. “So. What do I owe the pleasure of my wife’s presence on this… overwhelming day?”

“Well, I actually have something to give you.” “… I didn’t forget about my birthday again, did I?”

“No, Tim.” You were laughing in an attempt to cover up the emotions that were starting to resurface, since you knew what was about to happen. Your lives were about to change. Well, Tim’s was. Yours already had, alone in the bathroom earlier this morning.

You slowly slid the white box over to your husband, and he looked at it with confusion at first. Then he slowly reached for it and lifted the lid. He saw the pink and blue bundle of tissue paper and looked back up at you with even more confusion. You were doing everything in your power to not give anything away, but much to your chagrin, a tear slipped from your eyes the moment Tim made eye contact with you. The confusion lifted from his face, and a new emotion took over – concern. He ripped into the tissue paper like a small child on Christmas morning, but with the intensity of a grown man. The tissue paper had been scattered all around his legs and the floor and the top of his desk until he got to what was hidden underneath it.

‘Pregnant.’

The room was silent for a moment. Then came the sniffles from both sides of the desk. Then the eye contact of eyes that were flooded with tears and burning red with overwhelming feelings of love. Tim was by your side in an instant, latching on to you with everything he had. You were sobbing and he was laughing. It was a moment you would never forget.

“I… I knew we were doing it right.”

“Obviously, Timmy.”

“You’re going to be a mom… oh my God, you’re going to be a mom and-and I’m…”

“You’re going to be a dad.”

Tim looked at you and his eyes sparkled the way water looks when the sun shines down on it.

“An amazing dad.”

[2.5 Weeks]

“Isn’t that a good idea? We can start he/she early!”

“You know I don’t like pictures, Tim.”

“But this is different! This is something we are both going to want to look back on, and what better way to do it?”

Tim had come home from work a few days after he found out you were pregnant with a bag from a local electronics shop and was enthusiastically telling you about a plan he had. The plan involved something you had hated even before you were pregnant, but knowing that you were going to just be getting bigger and bigger as time went on made you hate the idea even more. Tim had wanted to document your pregnancy through pictures at the museum at milestone dates.

“… fine. You spent all that money on the camera, so I guess I can deal with it.”

“Astounding! And it starts today, you’re coming to work with me!”

“Tim! I have to go to work myself, I can’t just not show—”

“I already called your boss, he said it’s fine. Probably because he wanted me to just shut up, but it worked!”

You just looked at Tim lovingly while he laughed to himself. Then you ran over to the bathroom. Tim never thought he would get used to hearing you get sick. He almost felt bad that he was the cause of it, but knowing what would come out of it after nine months made it completely worthwhile to him. You were not so sure in the moment, but Tim’s enthusiasm convinced you otherwise.

You had made your way to the museum carefully, because the motions of cars did upset your stomach more. But the ride was quick and pretty painless this time. The two of you had decided not to tell anyone right away in case the worst happened, so when the museum staff saw you and Tim walk in together, no one thought anything different. Except for Jerry, but Tim had talked to him in advance and he knew not to say anything. When you two passed him walking to Tim’s office, he just gave you both a small smile, which you both returned.

Once all of Tim’s belongings were in his office, the two of you started walking hand in hand through the museum. Tim seemed to be taking you to a specific exhibit that he had in mind, but you were not sure why. Then it dawned on you. It was the exhibit that had the skull he found a long time ago on a dig when the two of you were still dating. (You do not have to read this for this story to make sense, just know that it could be read as a prequel of sorts.)

“Why are we stopping here?”

“You didn’t think I bought an expensive camera without a plan on when to use it, did you?”

“Of course not, but why this exhibit?”

“Don’t you remember? This is where the skull I found it is. I thought this could be where we take the growth pictures. Do you… hate the idea?”

You were feeling emotional to begin with, what with all the new hormones raging through your body, but you were just so happy in that moment that you just hugged Tim tightly. When you pulled away, through more happy tears, you told him how happy you were and how much you loved the idea.

Tim had you stand sideways in front of the display, lit with gold-tinted lights that illuminated your silhouette in a way that almost made Tim cry.

“There’s not much of a bump yet, Tim.” “But we know he/she’s there.”

[One Month]

The morning sickness had increased. Quite a bit. You felt sick around the clock, and practically everything you ate came up later in the day. Tim had gotten better at handling it. At first, he would have trouble being in the bathroom or even near it. Now he can hold your hair back for you as long as he does not look at you. You took what you could get.

One particular morning, Tim had woken up more excitable than he had been recently. You just felt sick so you ignored him. Then you felt a flop on top of you, signaling Tim had thrown something on top of you.

“What the hell are you doing? I don’t work today, why are you waking me up? And throwing my clothes on me?”

“Because you’re coming to the museum today. It’s been one month!”

“What…are you talking—”

“One month since you got pregnant, baby!”

The days dragged so much for you with how awful you felt, both physically from the sickness, and emotionally from not being able to tell anyone yet, that you completely stopped keeping track of dates. You had trouble believing that it had already been so long.

“Oh… that means it’s picture day, huh?”

“You bet! Plus, I’m giving a tour today to a group of 6 year-olds, so maybe you could tag along and see what we have coming!”

You offered Tim a weak smile. You were both so sure of having a kid together, but the reality of at it all had not really set in, at least for you. Your brain still continually told you that it was simply severe food poisoning from that chicken. But to Tim, it was his child. He was so proud that he could do something like that, and he wanted to prepare in every possible way he could, just so he could be the kid’s best friend. But you knew he did not have to prepare for that – it would happen by default. Almost made you jealous.

After a smaller than usual bout of morning sickness, you got dressed in the outfit Tim had picked out for you. The same one you wore the first time he took a picture. You understood why. The pants were a simple pair of grey sweats that were baggier around your lower abdomen and butt but were fitted toward the bottom, and a simple, oversized by about 3 sizes, pastel yellow tee shirt. An outfit that would be very easy to utilize for showing off a growing bump. Just what Tim wanted to do with his camera.

You went into your kitchen and smelled one of the few breakfast foods that did not make you sick, a chocolate croissant, something that Tim liked to bake for you even before you got pregnant. It was a specialty of his. One of the few things he could cook or bake, in general. He was standing at your kitchen table, with a somewhat bashful expression on his face. He held a croissant out in front of him, work bag and car keys in the other.

“I didn’t have time to bake them this weekend, so these are store-bought, but I warmed this one for you.”

You just walked over, took the croissant gently from his hands, and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you, honey.”

“You’re very welcome. Hope they’re not better than mine.”

“Close. But yours are better.”

“Fantastic.” He seemed really giddy about that fact. It made you smile. “You ready to head in?”

“I think so, I just need to grab my wallet.”

With that, the two of you made your way over to the museum and barely had any time to lock your belongings in his office when the exhibit manager of the day came over and told Tim the group was already there, and they were getting impatient. He needed to make his way down quickly or there would be a bunch of rambunctious 6-year-olds making a mess for the janitors.

Tim told them he would be down as soon as he could, but he would only walk at the speed you felt comfortable with. You were his priority. You were doing good on the sickness today, and he was not about to be the reason that changed. You two made your way down and instantly Tim went into tour guide-mode. It honestly was one of the funniest Tim personalities you knew, but you loved it all the same. Tim was introducing himself to the kids and the teachers and chaperones while you watched from the back of the group. A small group of Tim’s coworkers walked by the group and saw you standing there, and waved enthusiastically. Nothing out of sorts. You two still had your secret in place.

You followed the group around from the back, sometimes talking to one of the chaperones about this or that, and even mentioned to one that you were in the very early stages of your pregnancy, to which she became giddy but kept it contained. The only reason you mentioned it to her was because you had pointed out that one girl seemed to be very sad the whole tour and the lady mentioned that it was her daughter.

“If you’d like, when they have a break, you could go talk to her.”

“What? Why? Why me?”

“You’re gonna need practice, sweetheart, boy or girl.”

You gave her a nervous look, because this was making reality really set in for you. But you heeded her words, knowing she was right, and made your way over to the little girl while she ate her lunch alone.

“Hi there.”

She looked up at you with big, beautiful blue eyes.

“May I sit with you? I don’t have anyone to eat lunch with.”

She just nodded her head and kept slowly munching, her mother watching from behind so the girl did not see her.

“What’s your name, sweetie?”

“Josephine.”

“That’s a beautiful name! Mine’s nowhere near as pretty, it’s just Y/N.”

“That’s pretty too!”

“Well, thank you. Josephine is prettier though. Your lunch looks good, what’re you having?”

“PB&J!”

You gasped in shock. “That’s my absolute favorite! In fact,” you reached down into your bag, “I brought one myself!”

Josephine laughed loudly, the sound attracting the attention of both her mother and Tim, but you two were too wrapped up in each other to notice.

“Josephine, can I ask you a question?”

Another nod.

“You looked really sad all morning, and that made me sad. Could you tell me why?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Honey. I promise there is no stupid reason to feel however you’re feeling. Emotions are natural reactions to whatever happens to you. What you feel is okay to feel. If you tell me what it is, I might be able to make you feel better.”

“…Tyler called me unpretty.”

“Tyler called you unpretty?”

“Yeah.”

“Well listen. Tyler is the one here who is unpretty. You, my dear, are beautiful. Just like a Disney princess. You have a name fit for one, too. And I want you to know that that kind of behavior is not tolerated in the adult world, so I will make sure it stops for you, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You think you can enjoy the rest of Dr. Tim’s tour?”

“Are you going to be there?”

“Of course I will, sweetie. Dr. Tim and I have a very special relationship. I’m his biggest fan.”

“Do you love him?”

Her question caught you slightly off guard. “More than anything in this world, sweetheart.”

“Okay.”

“But I’ll be right behind the group the whole—”

“Would you hold my hand while he gives the show?”

You stopped in your tracks. That felt too much like something her own mother should do. You glanced over to her, knowing she was watching the interaction now, and she gave you the thumbs up.

“I would love to sweetie.”

For the rest of the tour, you stuck by Josephine’s side, hand not leaving hers once. Every once in a while, you were certain you saw Tim sneak a lingering glance at the two of you, and one time it lasted so long, he had to break himself out of his thoughts and his eyes had gotten a little glossy.

At the end of the tour, you all said your goodbyes, and you gave Josephine a quick hug, and gave one to her mother, as well. As you and Tim watched the bus drive away, Tim turned to you with a small smirk on his face.

“What do you want, Dr. Tim?”

“Oh, nothing… mom.”

He grabbed your hand and immediately took you to the display so he could take your picture. Still not much of a bump, you noticed, but you sure as hell felt different after the interaction you had today.

“My money’s on girl.” “Really? You’re already making bets? On what grounds?”

“You were too damn good with that little girl for it to be coincidental.”

[Two Months]

Morning sickness was still a bitch, frankly. Your doctor, one of only 5 people who know about your pregnancy at this point, including you and Tim, put your mind at ease explaining that it should subside around month 4. Halfway to the cravings period, she explained. Nothing particular important happened in the last month, both at Tim’s work and with your pregnancy. Things were going smoothly, other than the incessant sickness, but that more than likely meant you and baby were healthy. At least according to your doctor.

You felt Tim throw your clothes on top of you again, signaling that you would be spending another day at the museum. Another picture day. This time you were less upset about him waking you up. But once you stood up, you were sprinting to the bathroom.

Damn morning sickness.

One chocolate croissant and a twenty-minute drive later, you were seated in Tim’s office reading a book from his shelf, one of the few novels relating to dinosaurs he had amongst hundreds of textbooks. He had mainly a paperwork day that day, so the two of you just enjoyed each other’s presence. Something you hardly got to do even before you were pregnant. Your work lives made it so hard to see each other for any extended period of time, but you found ways to make it work.

Before either of you knew it, you had spent the entire day in his office, with you reading and him doing paperwork. It was practically time to go home, but you still had not taken your picture yet. You and Tim gathered all your belongings, locking up on your way out and made your way down to the exhibit. When you got down there, you placed all your stuff out of frame and stood profile to him and head gazing down at your stomach, just like any other shoot.

But you never heard the shutter.

You looked over at Tim who had tears streaking down his face, the camera shaking from how his hands were violently doing the same. You rushed over to him and grabbed his face, completely overwhelmed with confusion because you had no idea what triggered this. It was not raining or anything, so you had no idea what had set him off.

“Tim, baby, what’s wrong?” The panic was apparent in your frantic tone of voice.

“You’re showing.”

“What?”

“You’re showing.”

“What are you talk—”

“Let me take the picture.”

You slowly pulled away from him, resuming your position from a second before, and you heard the shutter go off this time. You walked back to him to see what he was referring to, and it hit you as hard as a wave of nausea in the morning.

You were showing.

The baby was showing.

You had already started to show after only two months.

You looked up at Tim with eyes that were just as watery as his, and hugged him tightly, but his grip was lighter. Knowing what was in between the two of you.

It became real.

[Three Months]

You had your doctor’s appointment, and she told you that it was officially safe to begin telling people about the pregnancy. Everything was looking fine, and the fact that you already had a small bump this early meant the baby was big and healthy. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

You told your families, and they all were extremely supportive, and Lex even cried, knowing that her kids would have a new family member to play with. Everything was going great, and you and Tim constantly felt like you were on cloud 9.

When you went into the museum to take the photo that day, you decided enough was enough and stopped hiding the bump, letting Tim’s coworkers ask about it. Some clapped him on the back, some broke down in tears at how amazing of parents they knew you two were going to be. It was all very overwhelming, but the two of you kept it pretty well together. Until it was time to take the photo. For some reason, seeing how much you had grown in a month set both of you off to the point where you were leaned up against the exhibit window, crying silently with each other.

Until you decided to speak.

“Am I going to be a good mom?”

“Wh-what?”

“Am I—”

“You’re going to be a perfect mom. I don’t know what brought this sudden fear up, but know that you are going to be a natural.”

“It’s all becoming so real, Tim. Like, I don’t need to stand sideways anymore to see the bump. He/she is really growing. They’re real. I just… don’t want to mess up.”

“Do you really think you and I aren’t going to make any mistakes? I mean, yes, we are near perfect human beings,” Tim’s sarcasm and sass always made you laugh, because it was never something people expected to come from such a shy human, “but all parents make mistakes. That’s how kids develop personalities. Otherwise, baby-making could basically be named cloning and we’d have invented that without even knowing it.”

Tim saw that you were not looking at him and tears were still running down your face. So, he grabbed it and pulled it to look at him.

“I didn’t have to see you with that girl to know you are going to be as perfect as you can be. Because I can see how much the idea of being a bad mom is eating away at you. You couldn’t handle the prospect of someone thinking you’re a bad mother, so you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure that doesn’t happen. Plus, I just know you. You were practically a mom even when we were dating. How much you doted on me. Took care of me on my bad days. Still do.”

You believed Tim. You believed every word that came from his mouth.

“And I know I’m going to be a great dad by the same logic as you. I don’t want to be a bad dad more than anything in this world, so I’m not going to let it happen. Plus, Lex can always give us pointers.”

“…thank you.” “Anytime, mother of my child.”

“…that’s weird, don’t say that.”

“You married this weirdo, you should expect this after all these years, Y/N.”

[Four Months]

Your morning sickness subsided – just like the doctor told you it would. It was a relief to not be throwing up every 2 hours. But the cravings were not much better. Beef jerky? ‘Really, baby?’ you always thought as you would gaze at your ever-growing stomach, now practically impossible to hide.

Walking in the museum with outside food or drink was against the rules, but Tim’s coworkers and bosses made an exception for you, knowing how hard you two tried to get to this moment in your lives. Especially when they saw you walk in going to town on a bag of beef jerky. They could tell by your expression that you hated it but it was what the baby wanted, and they always laughed out of pity and bemusement.

Nothing particularly exciting happened this day, either, just like last month. With the exception of a recent find being dropped off the museum for display. Tim told you he would finish up his paperwork and you could go watch them set it up. Then he would come find you when he was done and you could take your picture and go.

Once Tim had taken the picture, Tim had started crying again, so you ushered him to join you by the display and sit down.

“What’s going on, Timmy?”

“What… if they’re scared of me?”

“What on Earth are you talking about?”

“Scars, Y/N.”

You just looked at him in shock.

“I don’t look like you. Or anyone else. I’m marked. I know eventually I’ll have to explain what these are from, but what if when they’re a baby they don’t want me to hold them? Or feed them? Or change them? Or lay them in the crib? What if they just think I’m a monster? And not…dad?”

“… I wish I could say it won’t scare he/she. But I definitely think they’ll be interested… to a degree. But that won’t matter to a baby. All they’re going to see is your big beautiful eyes and your smile. All they’re going to hear is how cute they are and your gorgeous singing voice when you sing them to sleep. You’ll appear as the farthest thing from a monster, and you just have a really cool bedtime story to tell them when they’re younger. You can save the real stuff for later.”

“…”

“I love your scars. You know that. Very much so. I think the baby will, too.”

[Five Months]

You had officially gone one month without morning sickness, and you were very thankful for that fact. Tim would never say it to your face, but he was too. He did not want to make you feel bad for making him feel sick all the time, too, seeing as that the cause of yours was him. Your cravings were still in a pretty full swing, though, but they were never terrible combinations like movies and television made them out to be. Most of the time they were just foods you were not particularly fond of, but you could move past that, since they did not make you sick.

You had another doctor’s appointment, as per usual, but this was one you did not tell Tim about. Not because there was anything involved he had not seen before, but because this was the official appointment where the gender could be found out. You had a plan; you were going to have the doctor tell you the gender, and then you were going to work with the museum to have a small, private gender reveal for Tim. When you found out the gender, you cried and wanted to immediately share the news with Tim, but patience is truly a virtue, and you knew it would be worth the wait.

When you got home that day, you called the museum and told them what day you would be coming into the museum to take the newest photo, and they were more than willing to help you out. You wanted the surprise to be simple, so you explained what you had in mind, and they were all for it. Eventually the day came where you and Tim went to the museum together, and you spent the day like any other, moseying around sometimes with him and sometimes not. On one occasion when you were by yourself, you walked over to the exhibit where you took your photos to make sure the reveal had not been set up yet, and thankfully it was not. Meaning, Tim had no clue what he was in for.

Later in the day, the museum had closed up for the public, so you made a quick call to the manager who was going to set up your surprise to signal it was go time. You stalled Tim in his office as long as you could, but eventually, you ran out of stuff to say. So, you two made your way downstairs, and all you could do was hope that the manager got out of there in time.

Once in front of the exhibit, you decided not to say anything at first. See if Tim would notice. You set yourself up in front of the viewing window and assumed the position, and you heard the shutter go off. You were almost hurt that Tim did not notice the glaringly obvious breach of protocol in the exhibit, because you were the one who wanted to do this surprise for him. So, you decided to egg him on a bit.

“Tim, did I tell you I had an OBGYN appointment today?”

Tim’s head slowly looked up at you from the camera and his eyes were glossy, and you were certain you could see his lips trembling, holding back a smile.

“I didn’t think not telling you would make you this upset, honey, I’m really—”

“Pink.”

That explained the tears. And the attempt not to smile. He saw your surprise in the photo looking closer. You had instructed the museum to find a small beanie that would fit onto the skull in the exhibit that Tim had found on the dig. A pink one. To let him know that he would be having a daughter with you.

“It’s pink… you’re having… having a girl?”

“We’re having a girl, yes. A girl, Tim!”

“That’s the greatest news anyone could have ever told me. A girl… oh my God, a girl!”

You could see that he was ecstatic to hear that it was a girl. Both of you would have been happy with whatever it ended up being, but the happiness that radiated off of your husband indicated to you that he might have been leaning toward a preference.

“Oh no.” “What, Tim? You were just so happy.”

“I’m going to have to fight a lot of men soon.” “What? Why?” You were practically laughing just at the thought of Tim trying to win a fight. He was headstrong, sure, but body strong? Not so much.

“She’s going to be just as beautiful as her mother, which means a lot of potential suitors.”

“I’ll help her. She needs a man just like her father.”

[Six Months]

After finding out that the two of you were going to have a girl, it was time to tell your families and friends, and they had nothing but sweet and wise words of advice. Everyone kept saying to you privately that they could see you being a great mom to a boy or a girl, but that Tim would be especially good with a girl. For some reason, it just made sense, and you could not help but agree with them. He was always just so tender and sweet with everyone he meets, and he treated you like a fragile piece of glass when he interacted with you, giving you the utmost care. You would not be surprised if that happened with your baby, but ten-fold.

This day at the museum was nothing out of the ordinary – paperwork, some smaller tours, things of that nature. You did not mind though. With how far along you were getting, nearing the third trimester already, you were starting to constantly feeling tired. So, being able to lounge on Tim’s office couch and just doze off or read a little bit was always a nice feeling.

At one point though, someone had knocked on the door while Tim was out, and you honestly were not sure if you should answer. That situation, despite how long the two of you had been together, had not come up since the first time. The first time it was just a package for him, so it was not a big deal, but you could never be sure who it was, since his door did not have a peephole.

You carefully stood up on your own, not used to not having Tim right by your side to help you, and answered the door. Standing behind it was a very cheery Jerry, Tim’s boss.

“Y/N? I didn’t expect you to answer.”

“Timmy is off with an intern explaining something he did wrong.” You both laughed at the idea of Tim being all nervous and jittery about something being wrong. “Would I be able to help you with what you needed?”

“Actually, the whole reason I came was for you, but I was just going to have him give you this.” Jerry handed you an envelope that felt extremely thin, but you did not question it one bit. Jerry had his ways of explaining himself sooner or later. “Just read that whenever you get a chance, dear. I think you’ll like what’s inside.”

“Alright. Should I—”

And he shut the door behind him, leaving you with your mouth agape.

So, you decided now was a good a time as any, since Tim was not there still to keep you company. You sat back down, carefully, onto his couch and opened the letter. It was a single sheet of paper, with hardly 15 sentences on it. You read it slowly and quietly to yourself, and when you had finished, Tim walked back through the door. He was met with the site of you crying silently and red-rimmed eyes. Immediately he was by your side asking you if you were okay and if the baby was hurt. You just looked up at him wearily but forcing a smile on your face while sliding the letter in his direction. Tim read aloud.

“Dearest Murphy’s,

I hope this letter finds you at a happy time, or maybe, it would be better when you’re slightly sad and could be a pick-me-up of sorts. I would like to make this short and sweet, so as not to take much up of your time. First and foremost, I would like to offer you a piece of advice – frankly, it is what I would call the best piece of parenting advice one could receive, especially as first-time parents. ‘Protect the child at all costs, but do not prevent them from exploring potential.’ Pretty self-explanatory, but in case it isn’t clear – please keep the child safe at whatever cost, but if they express sincere interest in something and there is no inherent danger involved, even if it makes you anxious at first, don’t squander it. Children are so precious, and their minds take in everything, despite what you may think, and preventing the child from expressing themselves is only going to make them despise you and want to do everything in the opposite way you told them to. Secondly, I would like to offer Tim paid paternal-leave for as long as you are earning yours from your employer – we will match the length of time. Plus, as a bonus from the entire museum staff for all you two have done over the years for us, a small token of our gratitude is enclosed here that I sincerely hope will help you throughout the beginning of this journey.

I sincerely treasure you both as human beings, and I wish you all the luck with your little family.

Sincerely yours,

Jerry Turner, CFO Cretaceous and Jurassic Periods at American Museum of Natural History”

Tim was still at a loss for what had made you cry, and then he saw the ‘small token of their gratitude.’

A check.

For $10,000.

Both you and Tim were sobbing. Loudly.

You could not believe it, because that would cover so much more than you could have ever imagined, and neither of you were quite sure what you did to earn such a thoughtful and extremely generous gift. You wanted to thank Jerry, but you had no idea where he ran off to, and you two were so overwhelmed by the gift that neither of you had the strength to move.

Little did you know that Jerry had watched Tim walk back in his office and was outside the door hearing how happy you were, and his heart swelled up.

You took the monthly picture, tears still streaking down your cheeks. You looked ethereal, despite the tears.

[Seven Months]

Officially within your third and final trimester, things were getting down to the wire. You had stopped all the various side-effects of pregnancy, and all that was left was the constant sluggishness. Tim did not want you drinking too much caffeine, so he cut back as well. You were constantly having the energy sucked out of you, but Tim kept going a mile a minute, somehow, considering the boy lived off of tea and the occasional coffee if he really needed it. You assumed it was nervous jitters knowing how close you two were getting to meeting the little one.

You had arrived at the museum early, and Tim had gotten all of his paperwork done the day before so he could spend the day walking around the museum with you, seemingly with a plan in mind.

Every time you would arrive at a new exhibit, Tim would drop down to his knees, and he would gently lay his head down onto your belly. Then he would start talking. Anything he could say about the exhibit – reading the signs, spewing random bits of knowledge here and there, whatever he could think of. After he did this about four times, you stopped him and asked him just what it was he was doing.

“I’m talking to her.”

You just looked at him sweetly, almost tearing up at the sentiment.

“Gotta start her early, don’t I? Can’t have her being into mathematics like her mother.”

And then came the eye roll. You almost did not let him take the picture that night because of that little gripe at your job.

[Eight Months]

It was hard for the two of you to believe you were down to the last potential thirty days, but you were already there. The two of you were both planners, so every single thing that could be accounted for was already accounted for – she had a room, clothes, diapers, everything. The two of you went and took your monthly picture, wondering if you would get to take another one, when it hit Tim that the two of you missed something crucial in your planning.

“Oh shit.” “What?”

“We don’t have a name yet.”

“Oh shit.”

Sitting down on the bench looking into the exhibit, you both thought about it for a while, throwing out ideas neither of you liked. Just to put something out there and maybe draw inspiration. Then Tim suggested another two names, and instantly you knew they were the ones. Both of you were old fashioned, and you knew you were going to get some comments about it, but it did not matter.

This was your daughter, and you could name her whatever you damn well pleased.

[Eight Months and Twenty-Two Days, June 11]

It was so much pain.

So much more pain than you expected.

But dammit, you were going to meet your daughter today, and that was that.

You honestly could not even remember the drive to the hospital, but the next thing you knew, you were in a hospital gown with a doctor telling you that you were nine centimeters dilated and that the pushing would start soon. Despite everything you told him was going to happen, Tim was right by your side gripping your hand like a vice, with an expression on his face that made the doctors think he was in as much pain as you were.

But it went quicker than you thought it would. That final centimeter happened quick, and everyone in the room was on you in an instant to coach you through the pushing. You only had to push for about 15 minutes and then you heard it.

Small but powerful cries, indicating that the baby was here and healthy.

Immediately she was on your chest and they were starting to clean her up, and then they took her over to the crib to wrap her. You were still catching your breath when you saw Tim walk over to you, bundle in his hands, him sobbing with joy.

“She’s—”

“Gorgeous.”

The nurse came over to the both of you with a clipboard after a few minutes, now that both of you had calmed down lightly.

“Alrighty. So, we have a healthy baby girl, born June 11 at 4:49am, weighing 6.1 ounces and measuring 20 inches in length. We have all the other stuff taken care of, we just need to know if she has a name yet.”

“She does.” Tim looked so proud that he was the one who got to say it for the official birth certificate.

“Agnes Eloise Murphy.”

The nurse smiled, double checked the spelling, and walked off to file it. You were just gazing at him with almost a hint of fear in your tired expression, because something the nurse had said threw you off a bit.

“Timmy…”

“Hm?” He was still gazing down at Agnes, not really mentally with you at that moment.

“Do you realize what today is? What her birthday is?”

“I do.”

“And you’re okay?”

“Of course I am. I will never have to remember the horror of Jurassic Park on this day any longer, she is a distraction from that nightmare, she is a living, breathing dream come true.”

[One Month Birthday]

Agnes turned one month old, and neither of you could believe it. Other than doctor’s appointments, she had not left your apartment. You both decided that she could make one exception, and Tim was more than eager to take her to the place where he found out she would be coming into this world.

The two of you took her around the entire place, and ended at the exhibit where all the pregnancy photos were taken.

“You don’t know it yet, but this place has a lot of special meaning to mommy and daddy, and you too. We’ll tell you all about it when you’re older, lovebug.” Tim spoke to his daughter the same way he did when she was still in your belly and it made you melt. You knew it from the moment you laid eyes on her that she was going to be a daddy’s girl.

As he spoke to her, she smiled and placed a hand right atop the scar adorning Tim’s cheek. She laughed for the very first time.

“I told you she’d love them.”

When you look back down, you can see her enthusiastically swinging around the small dinosaur plush toy you had given her as a first stuffed animal. You smiled and looked back up at Tim, not believing how precious she was.

“And a dinosaur lover just like her dad, too.”

“Told you we had to start her early, keep her away from the numbers.”

Permanent Taglist: @bensrhapsody @chlobo6 @gardnerlangway @xtrashmammalstefx @bohemiandeakyy

Tim Murphy Taglist: @drtimmurphy

Specific Fic Taglist: @70sdeakys

// If you want to be added to either taglist mentioned above, or the one for another character I’ve written for, send me an ask here! //

#tim murphy #tim murphy x reader #jurassic park #joe mazzello #joe mazzello x reader #pregnant reader #photography #fic #fanfiction #fluff #pregnancy #some angst

107 notes · View notes