#keysmash cw

[faith-in-rangels-future]

O NIALL ELE AI MDS AIAIDBOQKEBROAIGWBEODOQUH3JROD8Y2BEODOIQHEBFOQ983HRODOQN39D8UWB3KRPS9UQH3BFOIQJ2JDI

[34methylenedioxymethamphetamin]

aksmakamskakska I love this one

@cosmikgleam

[jazz-bazz]

more raindrop lab coat au!!

this time it's about their secret relationship that everyone's betting about, and drunk rain just spitting it out to copia the bartender... dew sighs a lot

the working title was "What Happened At The Bar, Stays At The Bar" but i figured the new one is better bcs it's funnier

and the machine rain used to ask dew out is a real thing, though i have no idea if theyd even put it at exhibitions 😂 i just heard about it in a lecture and figured its perfect for lab coat raindrop

ALSOALSOALSO

YOU GUYS NEED TO SEE THIS ART @floating-goblin-art did!!! can't stop looking at it send help

without further ado, here’s

One Time Password

The pack decided on Monday to go out to Zenith on Friday after work, to get dinner and then also some drinks. The plan is of course, supported by Aether, boyfriend of Zenith’s owner Copia, and Swiss and Zephyr, who are booked to perform there on weekend evenings. So after work everyone goes back to their own apartments to freshen up and then meet up at Zenith at about 8 pm, plenty of time to get good seats and for Swiss and Zephyr to prepare.

Mountain of course invited Sunshine to come with them, so Aether, not wanting to be fifth wheeling while Zephyr’s on stage-because Rain and Dew, who are supposedly not dating, are attached at the hip-invited Ifrit from inorganic chem department, whom he and Dew are trying to set up with Zephyr. Swiss also invited Phantom, for support he said, who in turn invited Aurora for emotional support because he needs someone his age.

Swiss and Zephyr plays for about an hour, and then they joined the group, which is now a very big group, sitting in the corner table of the bar sipping on their who knows however many rounds of drinks, all of them are already at least a little bit warm and tipsy now, based on the nonstop giggling coming from the table. Even the young newcomers are getting comfortable with the older ghouls, cracking jokes and making witty remarks now and then.

“Hey Rainy. Rain!” Aether tries to get the water ghoul’s attention, which is fixated mostly on a cackling Dewdrop, after he and Ifrit and Swiss does another impression of this annoying human professor in the inorganic chem department.

“Huh, yes Aether?” Rain finally notices Aether calling their name.

“Your turn to get us drinks now, please.”

“Oh right! I need a refill too, anyone has a special request or just beer?”

“Could you get me that blue fizzy drink that guy is having? It looks interesting,” Aurora asked.

“I’ll ask Copia about it, anyone else?”

“I want the drink Copia made me last time I was here, no idea what it’s called because I said I need something and he said he knew just the thing, then he gave me that and it’s been on my mind ever since,” Dew finally stops laughing long enough to give his answer.

“Very helpful,” Rain says with a playful roll of their eyes, “But sure, I’ll ask Copia, but if he doesn’t remember I’m getting you a beer.”

Nobody else has any requests so Rain makes their way to the bar and waves Copia over, who takes their order and starts working on them. Thankfully he does remember what he gave Dew, which Rain then asks him to make 2 of, because they want to try it too. It turns out to be some kind of fruit cocktail thing, a new recipe, Copia said.

After this round the group starts to disperse to go dancing and pausing the drinking for a bit. The theme is 70s-80s so not only are they dancing, they’re also singing (some badly, some quite good, some are really good too, complete with harmonising).

The dance floor is chaotic to say the least, they started in groups of twos and threes, but they keep switching with each other so much that nobody knows anymore. Copia just watches over them from the bar to make sure everyone is okay, and maybe also to ogle Aether’s ass a bit, because those are very fine ass.

But one by one they get tired and retreat back to their table, with fresh drinks in their hands. Mountain, Zephyr, Ifrit, Aether, and Sunshine are chatting with each other, Swiss is still on the dance floor with Phantom, Aurora, and Dew, and Rain is making their way to the bar once again.

“Hey Copia,” Rain says with hint of slurring, “Can I get that fruity drink from earlier?”

“Sure, wait here a sec,” Copia says while reaching for the ingredients.

“Oh wait, make that two, my boyfriend must be thirsty too,” Rain smiles big and dopey with heart eyes, “Oops, forget I said that, it’s for me, I’m sooooo thirsty I can drink a gallon,” he proceeds to cover his mouth with his hands.

Copia then pauses, because boyfriend? Since when does Rain have a boyfriend? And why does he not know about this, Aether usually tells him stories from the labs, “Boyfriend?”

“Huh, what?” Rain tries to back off and deflect, “I said it’s for me, come on, C, I’m parched.”

“Oh no you aren’t. Here’s drink number one but I’m not gonna make the other one until you tell me more, and you have to pay for two drinks. Spill, Rainy, who’s the lucky person?” Copia leans his head on his hands like a schoolgirl.

“Ummm… No I’m still single, what do you mean? I’m mingling right now,” Rain starts looking around for some help, which he finds when they catch Dewdrop’s eyes from the dance floor.

“Nope, no you aren’t. I don’t believe you, come on, spill. Or wait, let me guess, is it Dew?”

“Did I hear someone call my name? You miss me that much, C?” Dew arrives to Rain’s rescue. Being a fire ghoul, his temperature and magic burns through alcohol much faster than the other ghouls, so he is barely tipsy now.

“Are you Rain’s boyfriend?” Copia shoots him with the question.

“Uhh what? What’s going on here?” Dew asks with a confused little tilt to his head.

“Drunk Rainy over here says he wants two drinks, one for them and one for his boyfriend, they said. Before then covering his mouth and saying it’s for them alone, which I totally don’t buy because as people say, the first word are the truth, especially when drunk.”

“Noooo, don’t tell him that he’ll get mad, I’m not supposed to say anything,” Rain whispers quite loudly to Copia, his drunk mind thinking Dew won’t hear it, even though he does.

Dew sighs.

“Rainy, darling, light of my life, bestest friend forever and ever,“ Dew turns to Rain, and holds his cheeks in his hands, “I totally heard that.“

Copia just watches the two with a very amused smile and a knowing glint in his eyes, “So, how long have you guys been dating? And no more fooling me.“

“First promise you won’t tell anyone, not even Aether,“ Dew wags a finger at him. Meanwhile Rain just drinks his cocktail and sometimes smiling randomly at Dew and see, this is why Dew almost always takes Rain home before they get drunk in front of all their friends. He can’t keep a secret to save his life when he’s intoxicated. 

“Fine, swear on Satan. Now spit it out.“

“Since around fifth semester? This guy asked me to accompany him to a science exhibition and then asked me out using the machine that one could use to draw with atoms. We’d just learned about that in class and I guess they noticed I was so fascinated with it? And Satan knows how he managed to get the guy in the exhibition to do it. It was sweet and dorky and just perfect.“

“Aweeee, but what’s with the secrecy?“

“That is just us being petty to you all,“ Dew smirks, “You keep pushing us and everything, don’t think we don’t know about that bet. So you know, we don’t want anyone to win that bet so we just hid it. Actually I proposed to them a few months ago, and we decided to have the wedding as soon as both of us are finished with our degrees and just reveal it to you by sending you guys the invitations. Also we want the bet money then.“

“That’s… actually clever,“ Copia muses, “Though I want compensation if you want me to keep my mouth shut from Aether,“ he smirks. 

Dew promptly bangs his head on the table, “Fuck you, C. What the fuck do you want.“

“10% of the winnings from the bet and I get to officiate the wedding of my forever OTP,“ he offers his hand for Dew to shake on.“

“No idea what the fuck does a password have to do with us but deal, we were already planning on you either to officiate or be on my party. And 10% is not a problem,“ Dew shakes Copia‘s hand. 

“Not a password Dew,“ now it’s Copia‘s turn to sigh, “OTP is One True Pairing, as in a couple you’re rooting for the most. Internet slang, you wouldn’t understand, old man.“

“Now who the fuck are you calling old,“ Dew grumbles, “Also, you’ll keep it from Aether and everyone else?“

“Yes, Dewcifer Drop.“

“So now can I get my drink?“

[voltrohgodwhat]

No context

[venusandsaturnsrings]

i must sleep but… heres aforementioned priest alhaitham paragraph i sent to @teyvatmoon last week <3 @cor-lapis-candy thank u for reminding me how much i love spitting in the eye of religion!! perhaps i need to produce more sacrilegious content in the near future… Ꮚ˃ꈊºᏊ

oh to be alhaithams sacrificial lamb… special ceramony between just you and him, he’s pouring the finest wine and bread into your mouth before stripping you over the alter. he lays you down on top of the cold stone already covered in a variety of wonderfully scented ceremonial herbs and flowers and misted with holy water… he covers your body in expensive oils and lets his hands linger on… intimate areas… before smoothing over your face to close your eyes… he makes clean and even cuts on your thighs, shoulders, palms, and breasts… symbolic of divine femininity and the death of christ… he tongue fucks the wounds before declaring you must repent in the name of god for all the sins to flow out of your body through the cuts… he gathers your blood in the goblet previously filled with wine to take a sip before pouring it down the valley of your breasts and drawing a finger though to form a cross… he’d make you recite latin prayers he composed all by himself and they’re prayers for dick, fertility, children, and lasting love. <3

[touch-starved-lurker]

already wasted my whole day not studying for exams... what if i just keep doing that. what, i'll fail my exams? what if i do that then?

HELLFIREFUCK JIIIDFHKWIOUSKMFGVJSNERIF87YRHTNFGMVKCIUDYHNFGM,HLBOVICUXYSHN D,FGLHOIJM,XKDIFUGYHJNMF,DSLIUDHRNT YHG,BVKCXUJZHYGBNDMF,GHLIBUVHCXBZNSM,ERKTGIHBUYVHCNXMZ,SKDFJVNMKJDMFC,XKSIJDFMG V,CKXJ

[aftonrobotiics]

an idea i really like: rather than being another soul trapped inside the body of golden freddy, evan doubles as the entity shadow freddy. a nonviolent, reclusive spirit, wearing the twisted face of the animatronic that took his life; with no physical body simply because evan didn't die in the diner. he makes the active choice to help his father (to lure the animatronics to the safe room in the "follow me" minigames, so william can dismantle them) for the same reasons elizabeth does; that's their dad. they care about him. they want to make him proud. the only spirits haunting the fazbear name that don't hold any animosity towards william. and i'm sure, on some level, evan cares about the other children. but at the end of the day, michael is the only afton working against william.

[orbitingkepler]

list of things you should absolutely ask me about!

the crew !! - there have gotta be some crew-blogs in 2023, right?? the Fixation of all Fixations. we think about them every day you gotta send an ask we'll go crazy

private recording 1 / chaos crew !!! - we have so many Thoughts about them. they are all so cool and deserve the world

my ocs !!! - my ocs are so cool. you should ask me about my ocs winifred and lorelei. i am so obsessed with them.

pokemon - we have all the correct pokemon takes. also bug pokemon dislikers BLOCK IMMEDIATELY. bugs are frineds.

trials of apollo - we all know apollo is a pathetic wet cat who went through a great character arc in which he was able to understand humans, and if you don't agree, leave. toa is mmy baby i will nto stand your vile words in this house of god ((agnostic)

magnus chase & the gods of asgard - i have so many thoughts over all of the little guys such as magnus and alex and samirah and yeah.

also birds. and space. and bracelet making. you should ask me about those because i am pretty autistic about them!

tagging system

; kepler talks - talking tag

; collected answers - answering asks

; kepler writes- writing tag

; () approved or () tag - posts from the headmates

; kepler collections - sillies from said headmates

show's over you can all go home-- so i can turn this into my TRINKET POST!! >:)

[scarlet-bee]

Trick or Treat?

-From Steve The Skeleton

[ID: A crochet skeleton plush, being held up by a person's hand in front of a blue background. End ID.]

Hi Steve!! Uhh, just a moment...

*internet searches "what is a skeleton's favorite snack"*

Ah! Here you go!

[ID: Barbecue ribs on a plate. End ID.]

Happy Halloween!!!

-

(Inbox trick-or-treating)

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

"It's too soon." -Tighnari (@starscrxssed)

This is Goodbye || Always Accepting

"I know... It's... all right." It was not all right though, was it? Even Cyno knew it. Even as his pain receptors grew numb, he could tell what was happening. He saw the hopelessness in Tighnari's eyes. Heard it in his voice. And he hated that all he could do in that moment was to lie and pretend he wasn't scared.

Because it was really too soon. He did not want to go. After a life devoted to the belief of the cyclicality of death, telling himself he'd be prepared; ready to embrace death, confident that his heart was just and would be granted immortality at the Scale... at the very end, right now, Cyno wished for nothing more than more time on this plane.

He wasn't ready to leave behind those he'd come to know and love. How could the Gods even hope to be able to weigh his soul, if his heart was bound to stay behind, in the hands of his beloved? Their beats had become one long ago; trying to tear them apart would only destroy them both.

The pain his loss would cause Tighnari was already becoming his own. How Cyno wished that in his final moments he could at least have the ability to take it all away from him. But what kind of prayer would grant him such a wish? To pray to be forgotten, maybe. But he couldn't have that either. He was far too selfish.

"Please, stop now..." He caught Tighnari's attempt to pull away again, probably trying to rush off again to try and find a remedy to the curse that had seeped deep inside the General's body; among the many books that lay scattered in a chaotic blur at the end of the room, where his eyes could not see distinctly anymore.

Cyno pulled him back to himself; he had to use every last drop of energy left inside him to even manage that. But the exhaustion was worth it. He couldn't bear another second with Tighnari out of reach.

"You've tried... It's enough, Tighnari."

He heard the shudder of a voice cracked to the edge of tears, and he wasn't sure whether it was the ranger's, or his own anymore. It sure did feel like he wanted to cry. Despair and frustration had never been so overwhelming.

All the mistakes that had lead to this moment; all the things he still wanted to do; the people he wanted to see again. Collei wasn't even here. She'd be so angry.

"... I'm sorry." He said, as though she could hear from wherever she was right now. But maybe this was for Tighnari too; he'd apologized the moment he'd dragged himself to his doorstep for the last time. Guilty of creating that moment, of carving it deep in his heart for possibly ever.

He refused to do more harm than that. He would not say 'I love you', not like this. He wanted Tighnari to think of better times when he'd last said it. Those words didn't deserve to be laced with pain, with the cold sensation of his temperature dropping as the flow of blood in his veins steadily slowed down; with the tremors of his body trying to keep itself alive against the grip of death.

And he was so tired... Too tired to keep his eyes open any longer. Against Tighnari's head, his nose drew in a slow, pathetically weak breath. He could still smell his scent, and that of the flowers that so easily clung and blended with it. It was a good sensation, if it had to be his last.

His lips pursed to press a chaste kiss against dark green hair. He wasn't sure what his hands were doing anymore. He'd lost sensitivity to them by now.

"Don't forget... how to smile, 'Nari. I will be with you... every time you smile." He whispered quietly through barely parting lips. There was more he wanted to say; so much more. He just needed a moment to think about what it was.

Just a moment of rest, and then he'd remember, and say it.

If he tried a little harder, he would not fall asleep.

Only for a minute.

[butterfly-indulgence]

[REDACTED] with an Idol!Angel 

aka [REDACTED] being nasty on main.

CW: Parasocial behavior, obsessive behavior, stalking, mentions of online bullying/harassment ([REDACTED]'s an expert in canceling someone)

As a (crazy) fan:

SFW

[REDACTED] is your biggest fan. And no, that is not an exaggeration. From his perfect attendance to all your lives and events to making several shrines dedicated to you, no one has them beat. 

When I say shrine, I don't mean just a small corner in their apartment. We're talking about rooms filled with your merch, such as your post cards, autographs, posters, plushies, pins… he has it all. 

They're very well-known throughout the online community. Other fans always see him on your posts and if you take a look at their profile, all you would see are posts relating to you and his "delulu moments" (screaming, keysmashing, reaction images and just general lovemailing). You're his star, his precious angel, and you always will be. You shine the brightest in their eyes.

[REDACTED] has bought all of your albums too. His music player is filled with your songs, and he's the type of person to blast it at 3 am while he's hacking. He's the only one living on one of the floors of his apartment building, so he's not disturbing anyone, is he? Either way, what's anyone gonna do? Arrest him? Good luck. He gets away with worse crimes than disturbing the peace.

Your love songs are his favorite. They make him feel giddy inside (and a bit sad. He wishes you were there to sing those sweet words to him face-to-face.)

Branching off from that, you bet he's buying voice packs. They get to hear your lovely voice? All the time if theywanted to? Just take their money.

He's been your fan ever since you debuted and he's very proud of his perfect attendance to all your lives and events. He always has front row seats, and he goes to the events ridiculously early. He's always the first one in line. Other hardcore fans know him and even asked him to join their fan club once. Which he declined. He doesn't want to watch other people gush and fantasize about his angel. The thought of thousands of people vying for your love already makes his blood boil.

You will inevitably recognize [REDACTED] due to their constant presence in events. Seeing someone with so much love and dedication is enough to warm your heart, so you make sure to thank him and give him some extra fanservice. If [REDACTED] didn't have any self control, he might have collapsed then and there. (God they want to hug you and kiss you and spoil you and treat you well and marry you and-)

Many people in the fan community jokingly label them as "that insane angel simp", but they have no idea just how far [REDACTED] is willing to go for you. He can easily obtain any type of information he wants so naturally, he knows where you live. He already set up hidden cameras in your home too. He loves watching you through the cameras; it's one of his favorite past times because he sees the real you. The real angel behind the flawless idol persona. He knows your likes, your dislikes (and he often finds out that the information you give out during interviews are mostly lies; you tend to choose quirky or unique answers instead of your real preferences - oh, you don't like this particular food? But Angel, you look so happy eating it at home after your concert <3), your hobbies, and little habits that even you don't seem to notice. What he doesn't like is when you collapse on your bed after a long day and just… cry. He hates seeing you in pain and wants to comfort you during your saddest moments, but he can't, so he directs his attention elsewhere to give you some privacy. Expect a gift and a fanmail filled with love and support in the next few days. It's his way of cheering you up.

[REDACTED] is one of those brutal fans that would attack anyone who sends you any hate or attempts to destroy your reputation. He has tons of burner accounts at his disposal, and he's not afraid of using them to bully, harass and threaten your haters. He won't stop until their online presence disappears completely. It's why your fan community is so peaceful. Because [REDACTED] shuts the haters up quickly.

[REDACTED] is perhaps your most dangerous stalker… but they're a great repellant for other potentially dangerous people. (A blessing or a curse. View it however you want.) As mentioned above, haters will not touch you, and your information will be under [REDACTED]'s lock and key. Personal information like your address? No one will be able to dig it up no matter how hard they try. Do you have a past controversy you desperately want buried? Consider the evidence deleted. Due to him pulling the strings behind the scenes, in the eyes of the public, you really are just a pure and wholesome person with nothing to stain your name.

NSFW

[REDACTED] indulges himself a lot with fantasies of you. Just the thought of you is enough to get him going, really. Because of the cameras they put all over your home, they have a full view of your most private moments, especially when you're pleasuring yourself on your bed. It's thrilling how he gets to watch you do something so 'unpure', unbefitting of the idol image you carefully crafted. He would definitely stroke himself while watching you, moaning your name as their pleasure builds up. (Though if he hears you moan someone's name, expect [REDACTED] to do some research… and maybe pay the person a visit later.)

If [REDACTED] ever got to fuck you in your idol costume, he thinks his soul might just ascend to heaven (or descend to hell. Whatever.) It gets their possessive streak going. Your pretty lips, spouting words of love on stage while behind closed doors, your attention is all on him? You're giving him genuine words of love through your hazy mind with a blissed out expression on your face? He's done for.

He also masturbates using your pictures, and by the end, they would be crumpled up and stained. Honestly though? His room is heavily decorated with your merch so he can just grab something random off his shelves and he would still get off on it. 

[REDACTED] can get pretty creative when he's going into the woohoo zone and he has several toys he uses often. You're not there (and maybe you never will be), so he has to make something work. 

[kaleeatinghoe]

DIP HEADCANONS!!

cw: mention of gore

this is like pip and damien separately and together so just a heads up

damien does not leave the house unless pip comes to get him or texts him

they also sometimes just show up at each others houses with no warning and will stay the night (pip mostly does this)

he has forgot that he doesn’t live with damien and stayed there for like a month atleast once. damiens dad also just let him and treated him as if he lived there

damien has two moms,, a mom and a stepmom!! his mom is a lesbian

pip remained friends with pocket after moving away, and facetimes with him and occasionally estella.

damien /will have a phase when he’s like 14 where he goes on gore videos of absolutely brutal things happening and comments “this is nothing” or some shit like that to try and seem edgy

his dad saw his search history having gore and got mad,, he also grew out of this phase after like 2 months

pip has been asked to show his teeth to people because he’s british and he is so confused every time

pip uses emoticons

damien remains short his entire life

one time pip randomly kissed damiens cheek and he just froze and stared blankly at the wall for a while whilst pip continued to look at his phone

damien has some sort of game system with a fighting game that he is pretty good at and one time pip played with him and just keysmashed and won and damien was baffled

when they get older they one time went to pip’s hometown and he was just like “oh my god the wickershamberplumberbriar shop!! I loved it there” and damien is js “wtf”

damiens dad somehow did not know that they were dating until damien nonchalantly mentioned pip as his boyfriend in a story and he was js like “:O BOYFRIEND??” (they have kissed each other in front of him)

OKAYYY that’s all:D lmk if you want any specific characters or ship headcanon!!

[turtleblogatlast]

okay so just so you know, im literally in love with your prison!leo au, yesterday i spent like over an hour scrolling through the tag and i think i read every post at least twice (more for the comics). its combining ‘prison dimension has permanent effect on leo, and not just mentally’, ‘immortality angst’, ‘object or place having a form of sentience’, AND ‘leo is somehow made significantly younger than his brothers which very much changes their dynamic without him wanting it to’ all into one which is just amazing.

i love how you combined comedy and tragedy very well!! like, for example the idea of leo being mistaken for the youngest brother, than a son, then a GRANDSON, is kinda funny for a second, but when you think about it for more than a couple seconds its also. really tragic. this poor kid may never be able to fully grow up - not only is he likely going to outlive his whole family but hes also permanently in the body of a child, lacking a fully developed brain and maybe never having the full maturity of an adult (at least in path b, until hes able to find a ‘cure’, if ever). its just. so good!!

anyways aldjsldkksld enough of the gushing (i mean i could keep doing it for like two thousand more words, but if i did it would probably devolve into keysmashes at some point from the Grip this au has on my brain). i am curious, what would happen if leo got sick? i know you mentioned that things like a common cold wouldnt really affect him that much, but what about one of those sickness is that leaves you pretty delirious/feverish and can take you out in a matter of a week? (could be a type of mystic sickness or curse as well, where you don’t know if the victim will survive or not and the only option is to wait it out.) what would happen? would they sort of just decide that its better to find a way to temporarily kill him so his body could regenerate as new, or would they try to take care of him and see if they could wait it out, since i imagine it would be the only time he’d really let his family take care of him in that way. thats all assuming his body wouldnt just automatically find a way to heal the separate curse and he’d be well again within an hour (still not fully sure as to how his healing works, sorry!)

anyways, love this au and im going to be obsessed with it for the next Month thanks

[ cw: discussion of murder / discussion of mercy kill / risky behavior implied / ]

Omg I’m

So touched???

Thank you for enjoying my AU so much, it really makes me happy to hear this :’) This whole AU was thought up exactly because of my interest in the concepts you mentioned - particularly the one regarding the Prison Dimension having a permanent and visible effect on Leo.

I know I haven’t updated it in a while, but I am still working on it and have even finished drafting the next comic, I can’t say when I’ll finish it but this ask definitely pushed me to work on it more so thank you so much <3

As for your question- it depends! In most regular illnesses, Leo would get over them very quickly, only experiencing the briefest brush with the symptoms before his body throws it away, if that. If the illness is mystic in nature then things get a little more complicated, as you’re right in that it could potentially end up as an endless loop of the first part of whatever weird sickness he gets. So if the illness is something that instantly affects you in the worst ways, and it’s something you just need to ride out until it leaves…that can potentially be harmful. Of course, it needs to be a powerful illness to bypass the prison’s curse to that extent though. …then again, maybe something would prefer that for him, should it appear beneficial :)

As for whether the fam would decide to just…’reset’ Leo to get rid of the illness…that’s a tough one. It really depends on how long Leo’s been back, and even then, it’s not something they’d just do, it’s hard for them to even imagine really. More likely, a sickly Leo would merely try to find a cure himself in his delirium, and end up ‘reset’ along the way.

I hope my wishy washy answer was enough! And really, thank you so much again for the kind words, they mean a lot :’)

[locksnek]

Yeah guess what, I'm going to ramble about that huge mistake I made by deleting my AO3 that one time. It's not the first time, and I regret to say it probably won't be the last. Believe me, I'd rather be thinking about other things, but I only just recently started feeling bad about this despite the time elapsed. I'm trying to process this still, as it's caused me legitimate grief to realize I destroyed something precious to me. CW: reference to self harm.

It took me a year and a half and more to really feel what I'd done. It was like I'd killed something and was numb about it, and only had an attack of conscience well after the fact. I keep looking back on it and trying to remember what I was thinking. Why I didn't stop myself. I'd stopped myself before, more than once, by keysmashing, copy-pasting that into the change password box, and not resetting my PW until my stuff was safe from my self-destructive-urges.

And I suppose that's the simple truth, I was not in my right mind when I did it. That's why I don't remember doing it, only posting in a blase manner that, welp, I'd gone and done it. I would never conceive of it, had I not been too emotionally fucked up to think clearly.

I was not thinking "gee, maybe someday I'll want to look back on one of the best times of my life, one of the times I felt most seen and had the most fun. Maybe I'll want to look back chronologically and see my works nestled in with those of my friends. Maybe I'll want to keep accruing kudos and comments so that my works are more likely to appear if people sort by kudos. Maybe I should take a break for a month or a year and see how I feel about it later. Maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't delete this archive of a precious moment in my history." Had I been thinking even one of those things, even a bit, would i have done it? Of course not.

I was in a bad place before TDC came along and I rushed headlong into the fandom. It was one of the best, most fun, most creatively fruitful times of my life. I've compared what I did to my own work to self harm before, but I saw today that the analogy runs deeper than even I realized. When I did this thing in I think like early-mid 2022, I was butthurt that my work wasn't getting attention and the servers weren't as busy, and I took it real personal and internalized it when really it was just the reality of a declining fandom. I lacked the presence of mind to see that, because I was reacting from my lizard brain, reacting like I've always done when I feel rejected/abandoned/as though I've lost something precious, and that was to hurt myself. Since I no longer do that physically, I did it in a different way instead, and hand to god I wish I would have done something physical instead of deleting that thing (not trying to glamorize it at all, that's just the extent to which I feel hurt myself by torching my archive).

Museum studies was one of my academic foci. I know how important it is to preserve history, and I deleted my own. I honestly cry about it almost every day now, even as I'm trying to do right by myself and slowly rebuild it. I don't see a way to forgiving myself for this. Well, I mean, like I've implied, it's recognizing that I wasn't in a sane state of mind, and that I would never have hurt myself and people who enjoyed my works if I had been. But I'm not there yet. [Reactions to this would be helpful, I know it's hard to engage with someone who's being so relentlessly glum about a subject, but even liking a post helps feel like I'm not yelling into the void. <3]

[suffersinfandom]

My OFMD Stuff

Meta Ed and Abuse The Kraken Wasn't All That Dark Ed's family issues Waking the Kraken: A Three-Step Process

Meta-Adjacent Keysmashing Mid-S2 concerns (Ed, Izzy, and forgiveness) Post-S2 positivity (from a Felix Gaeta BSG fan) Feelings about the mer-Stede scene (cw: suicidality) Izzy's story is about toxic masculinity (and part two) Thank you, OFMD fans Lighthouses After this, no more discourse

[frenchfrywrites]

cw piss stuff at the end / Your shy bladder Idia fic ❤️❤️. Im so obsessed w/ the idea of him sexting. Hed be so much more comfortable over text. Just whining and panting as he sends pictures of himself leaking pre, begging for your cock UGH!! Would SO get horny one night and take pictures of himself jacking off during a hold + start recording when he starts peeing while he mumbles & cries abt missing you -🎧

YESS oh I completely agree he'd be so much more comfortable and bold over text! Good that he gets so loose lipped, it's better for when you make a surprise visit to his dorm, and remind him of all the dirty things he said he wanted from you.

And omg you know he'd go crazy if you sent him pics/videos back. You'd get keysmashes and a million emojis because he can't describe how horny he is with words. Also with your permission ofc I think he'd have a super secure folder full of you and he goes back to it every time he even thinks of touching himself.

I looove love love the idea of Idia jerking himself off while holding and telling you all about how long he's waited and how full his bladder is 🤤🥴

Thank u for your Idia sexting thoughts I am eating them up I love them