#knowing that the thing that supports my life and future stability is now 100% controlled by me

[system-of-a-feather]

I literally can't believe we are on our way to having our own job and regular income and supporting our rent by ourselves for ourselves soon. The relief at the idea of cometely shedding dependence on my family and actually opening up the open world that is life sounds so fucking nice. I feel like I've been railroaded in a torturous tutorial mission for 22 years. The fucking grind to do everything perfect just to advance to the next stage and get out of the railroad andninto the open world makes the first two hours of Cyberpunk NOT sound and look tedious jesus fucking christ.

-Riku

[xo-alie-xo]

PORTWELL LONG GAME OR RINA SLOWBURN.

You can only choose one poison.🍷

Listen up my Wildcats.🐱

We all ship each character with happiness. No matter how much you love to hate them, a majority of us simply adores the characters and want the best for them. Then comes relationships and it's okay to ship our favorites.⛴

I'm a diehard Rina shipper and I know in my heart that they are series endgame. The set up, the natural chemistry, their mutual understanding, the surprises and angst literally put me on chokehold. So I'm 100% a Rina shipper till the end. I'm here for the slowburn and their development rather than one shots. They are worth the pain. 😭❤

Let me start with Ricky Bowen now.

Ricky shouldn't to be with Gina because he's hurting her mentality. He's not insensitive on purpose. Like when he tried to stop Big Red from telling her his message to Nina because he KNOWS it'll hurt her.

If you think, that Ricky didn't understand clearly when Gina confessed, think again. He shushed her. Kept their thing a secret from everyone. He knows he feels some type of way and she feels something too. But this boy is so used to safeguarding his childhood norms and has very little adaptability. Hence, he pretended to ignore everything between them because his home stability was falling apart and he clinged on to Nina, his constant childhood love.

He's a traumatised 16-17 year old boy that needs to heal and grow. This episode was heartbreaking because he had to accept that he had to let Nina go because their once upon a time fairytale had become toxic.

People change. I'm not the same person I was when I was 16 lmao. Being together as childhood lovers means growing together and accepting each other's growth. Which Ricky couldn't. He clutched to the idea of Nini. Even his love confession. It was sooo sweet but all he did was focus on their history.

This boy needs time to heal and maybe seek professional therapy. It would be so DAMN HISTORIC if Disney decides to take psychological issues seriously and show how he's dealing with his anxiety, pills and psychotherapy. He needs to breathe before he can be with any girl for that matter. He's hurting and isn't trying to hurt anyone on purpose. Including Gina.

Him asking her for advice on Nini was a dumb, insensitive move. But he's trying to find a way to build some supportive friendship that they shared in early season one.

As for now, this boy needs to get his own grip on life and heal.

As for our Queen Gina

In Gina's confession, she focuses on their future. She basically said, "I wouldn't quit on a possible future of us being together despite obstacles. Because I never quit. But moving away isn't in my control." Ricky deep down knows this, encouraged her to say it, teary eyed, despite right after getting back together with Nini. Gina is his future. She went to his new house. And I also have this feeling that when she was given a chance to stay, she stayed partly because of Ricky. She left a chance to be with her mom because she prioritised their relationship. Because she never quits. 💪🏼

But she came back and found out Ricky has gotten back together with Nini.😭 What she doesn't know is Ricky got together with Nina before her confession, and after Gina kept dodging his messages. She's hurt and questions why she returned because she isn't particularly close to anyone. Hence, she was so silent at the after party. She thinks it'll be fine, "she'll live", and finds other reasons to find permanence. Her arc this season has been settling down in East High, despite the pain of losing and being 'betrayed' by Ricky, she finds other reasons to stay. 🏡

This kind of contrasts her with Nina. Nina left her dream school and came to Salt Lake because she missed her established home, and not just because of Ricky. Nina returned and was loved and embraced by Ricky Bowen.💕 Gina came back to a semi new place called Salt Lake because of her promise of a future to Ricky. But she got stabbed and she bled. 💔🗡

Think about her situation. She feels confused, alone, heartbroken, out of place and seperated from her mom. She's broken and hurting too. And she doesn't need more from Ricky's accidental or intentional 'sick burns'. That's the one line where he was such a jerk and I can't defend him here. 😠

Here comes the Caswells.

Her second family. A place of healthy stability. A home that accepted her. Ashlyn, her roomie and her confidante. EJ, the misunderstood boy who saw her value and bought her plane ticket.

Let's get to EJ.

At first, I wasn't too keen on seeing Portwell's development. But then that video chat where they talk about the possibility of her staying and him convincing her. Had me sold for a solid brother-sister relationship. Few episodes later, when Gina's pain seemed to be oblivious to everyone, he was the only one who asked her how she was, and saw her glow. The comfort she must've felt.

Not that she needs a man's validation, but she must be feeling like a second choice and feeling a little insecure because of Ricky. But EJ lifts her up and I genuinely saw her smile. This boy has her back whenever. The man she can lean on and truly sees how special she is. She no longer feels alone now that she has his entire fam and other friends. She genuinely feels a place of belonging and happiness when she's the apple of his eye. Notice how happy she is? How happy this boy is? She's going through her own issues and she has found ground with EJ.

I was very doubtful when they started hinting at a romantic direction. Because EJ would be used as plot device again for a girl to get to Ricky.😤 This man doesn't deserve to be second best to anyone, just like Gina.😑 That's why I'm still hesitant on shipping them at least temporarily. EJ needs to be something even more special to Gina. They need to show each other how special and treasured they are to each other despite feeling like rejects. They are each other's source of comfort.

I'm sure they can keep EJ at East High for the next season. Whether it's the drama club, or the AV club or going to a local college. So he will be there for Gina. I don't know how they can work out a relationship with much distance as Rini's fell out when she moved away. So, if EJ leaves again, it'll again shake up Gina. Her being worried whether he'll date college girls, second thoughts, etc. I don't want them to go through that. And if they do move on to romantic Portwell, make sure it's not plot device for Rina. So you can either have Portwell endgame or Rina Endgame.

Basically I want Gina to be treated so right that she understands she doesn't need Ricky. And when he does ask her out, and he makes her feel like a second choice or a rebound, she says NO. Because EJ has helped regain her self assurance. Eventually I want Gina to confide in EJ about her and Ricky. EJ is jealous but also angry about how Ricky has been hurting her. And becomes damn protective of his 'babe'. Ricky gets jealous of their relationship, restarting Ricky and EJ's old rivalry. But this time, it's not because Gina is his girlfriend, but because she's EJ's best friend who he has a crush on and wants what's best for her.

If it's meant to be Rina endgame

EJ- RICKY, YOU IDIOT! You have no clue how to treat her right. You don't put her first. You mislead her. Get the hell away from her! She's too powerful and beautiful, she doesn't deserve your scraps. I know how she feels for you. I wish I were you. I would treat her like a queen. I don't mind even waiting years till she's ready. She deserves that. You're so lucky you have even a small chance that I may never have. So get your act together, prove you're worth it to win her over. All I want is for her to be happy. Even if it's with someone else. And maybe then I'll stop threatening you to stay away from her.😠

Ricky- .....I don't know what I'm more scared of. Change, or losing the girl I fell for or YOU. Okay, losing her but you're a close second.😬

If it's Portwell endgame.

Ricky- I messed up. Make sure you don't mess up with her. You'll regret it forever.

EJ- I'd rather get hit by thousand basketballs than ever hurt her. I'll be her plus one and her best friend until she's ready to be with me. I know she's ready now too. But I want her to know I'm willing to wait till she graduates before we make it official. I'm in it for the long game.

As for their age gap. I'm 100% sure Portwell won't kiss this season. If they do, it'll be next when Sofia turns 18. They are professional actors who are cast because they are the perfect fit for the role and are expected to carry out the storyline. But I suppose fearing some outbursts, they might delay Sofia kissing anyone till next season. It's so weird because Olivia was maybe 17 when Matt was 21-22 when they kissed in season one. But no one had a problem with that. But for this, they do. Remember, they are professional actors. They are acting! Sometimes, actors are over 10 years apart (but above 18) and act as romantic partners.

As for their characters, they are only two years apart. That's hardly any difference once you're over the age of 18. Age of consent is 16. But adults above 18 are only allowed to have sex with adults above 18. So, age isn't a problem here because EJ is a gentleman and is genuinely interested in her and isn't trying to get in her pants. So age isn't the issue when it comes to dating. It's the maturity. Gina is very mature and gives very sound advice. But I can see EJ being patient enough till she turns 18 just to kiss her because he loves her. 😚

As for the Ashlyn remark, "You look like a kid to me rn". He was JOKING.😂 Don't take things out of context. I tell my cousin sister that all the time. But she's three years younger than me and a grown adult. I don't see her as a kid but it's just a cousin teasing her younger cousin that's she's a little immature. I'm Matt's age and I'm very mature for my age and since I was a teenager, I always matched up with boys a little older than me. Now that I'm in my early 20s, I've dated boys even close to 30. So age is just a number.

EJ dating Gina and giving her quick kisses is fine. But to have a strong sexual element in their relationship (including making out), he'll have to wait till she's 18+. And I'm sure for that he'll wait till she's ready even past her early 20s. Age is really just a number and we can't help who we fall in love with. Trust me, I've been there.😂 So I can see EJ feeling conflicted about his feelings that are clear at this point.

They might not be a perfect fit, but they make each other sooo happy. They deserve a lot more than a short lived fling.😟 They are either endgame or Rina is. You can't have both as a Rina unless you're an EJ hater who wants him to exist as plot device. Nope! He's sooo much more precious than that.

But Jack on the other hand....I'm okay if he's the one to make Ricky or EJ jealous. Because he's just been introduced and it's okay if a character is used, but only once, for someone else to realize their feelings. 💁🏽‍♀️

In short.

Ricky needs help and needs to be on his own. No girlfriends allowed.🙅🏽‍♀️🚫

Needs to give both Gina and Nina space for them to grow on their own too.🌳

Ricky needs to understand the core of his problems and become more adaptable via therapy. Maybe the psychologist will point out his unresolved feelings for Gina, or he will conclude it himself. And in comes Ricky-pining-for-Gina season three.

Ricky needs to fully get over Nina before he moves on to anyone. Same for Gina if Portwell were to happen. No one deserves to be second choice.

Gina isn't Ricky's cushion. She's a living person with strong feelings for him and shouldn't be subjected to share his pain. She already struggles with her own issues.

Ricky needs to stay single till he wins back Gina and prove he's worth it. He needs to show even if another girl wants him, he'll never quit on Gina ever again. Even if he has to watch her be with someone else. *cough parallels*.

It's either romantic Rina then Portwell endgame OR Portwell flirty besties but Rina endgame. You and I can choose only one because my boy EJ shouldn't be used as plot device for a girl to leave for Ricky ever again.

Portwell's age difference can be practically solved and isn't much of an issue unless they get hot and heavy before Gina turns 18 which is impossible considering this is Disney. 🤣🤣

Jack and Gina will be plot device material and purely so sentimental to us OG Andi Mack fans. More than any ship, this is what I'm looking for. Sort of an Andi Mack crack ship for season 3a. It's gonna be soooo funny. 😍😂

I respect everyone's ship. I see what you're seeing. And I'm not going to invalidate your ship. But unless it's done right, I won't jump from the Rina ship. I liked Rini. I like Portwell. I like AU Juffy crackship haha.😂 But as for me, I'm still holding on to Rina slowburn.

Preparing myself for the pain. 😭🔥

(But if I had to pair two characters without Disney getting in the way, it would be Gini. The power duo. Undeniable chemistry. They can be written so well because of their layered relationship and contrasting personalities.🤩 The classic rivals to friends to lovers. But that's a talk for another day lmao.)

Thanks for reading my opinion, Wildcat!🐱❤

[just-a-fangirl13]

Thoughts & Theories about MacGyver 5x10 [MacRiley]

HOLY SHIT! 

This episode was absolutely INSANE. Im writing out my thoughts once and for all because I need to stop thinking about everything that happened (I highly doubt I will be able to but here's to trying)

SPOILERS FOR 5x10 OFCOURSE

Straight off the bat, I was screaming *internally* and yelling at Mac when he showed the diamond to Bozer. I suspected it yesterday when we got the snippet of Murdoc saying the words DIAMOND and RING with extra emphasis..(everyone on twitter said I was jumping to conclusions.. I thought so too honestly) But damn I did NOT expect them to actually do that!

Now here's why I am not mad about it anymore. [this is my interpretation you are free to disagree]

Firstly, when Mac told Bozer he was going to propose he didnt say I’m doing it because I love Desi or I want to spend the rest of our lives together or because she’s the one (doesn't mean he doesnt care for her ofcourse)

He said “Ever since I lost my dad & Jack, I have been thinking about the bigger picture and a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need right now. A grand romantic gesture.” He wanted to propose for stability so he could finally be on the same page with her. They never really defined their relationship before and this was a way for Mac to final bring it together. A grand romantic gesture is usually something people use to win their partners back which is what Mac was trying to do I guess. It almost sounds like he has to do it so he doesn't lose her again 

(ill get to my second reason in the end)

Then ofcourse Bozer tells Riley about it so she can be prepared. Bozer is such a good friend. He is supportive of Mac AND wants to protect Riley. I love him for it! He really is doing everything to be the best friend he can to both of them. (Leannas death was so painful and I just want to hug him but thankfully Riley had that covered.)

Next we get the BIG REVEAL. The moment all of us had been waiting for. 

The moment that SHOOK Angus MacGyver and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

Rileys Feelings!

“You want me to say it out loud? Fine. Yes I had feelings for Mac. There I said it. and yeah watching him and Desi together was breaking my heart so I moved out of his house. I should have said something to him a long time ago but I didn’t and now its over. ”

I had the opposite of a HEART ATTACK! (my heart rate was through THE ROOF!)

I have to say they really really outdid themselves on this reveal. 

SIDE NOTE: If anyone comes for Riley and tries to call her a slut or a home wrecker? You will have me to deal with. Even after Murdoc played the clip of her confession she still tried to deny it and brush it off so it wouldn't complicate things for Mac and Desi. If Riley had wanted, she could have easily told Mac this to his face while he was dating Desi and then let things happen from there but she DIDNT. She kept that secret buried so deep she herself was in denial.

(also if anyone calls Mac a player or anything like that.. I will end you. He is doing his best to deal with everything that has happened to him and people keep giving him shit for it....)

Anyways, we see Mac’s expression & he is just confused and shocked and clearly not trying to think about it because it changed EVERYTHING for him. 

[Murdoc saying I THINK IM ON TEAM RILEY was a HUGE HIGHLIGHT for me! I love him so damn much!]

Desi took it really well too actually. If they keep going down this road of growth and maturity for her I think I could actually like her again. (Russ too when he apologised to Bozer) 

She didnt throw a hissy fit or say I knew it or look at Riley like she was the villain. She focused on the mission & I respect her for that.

(Riley does say, “the next thing you are going to hear on that recording-” and then gets cut off by Desi.. If this will come into play at some point later on or if it was just her trying to explain herself, remains to be seen.)

Then after the climax, we finally hear Riley say the words to Mac in real time and we get our FIRST MacRiley hug of the season! 

At this point I thought they would agree to be friends and make the friendzone thing clear BUT NOPE. (you have no idea how happy I am about it not going down like that!)

I was also a puddle on the floor. SO

“Mac look-”

“You don’t have to say anything if you dont want to. Really.”

“I want to. Last year in Germany. I realised I was starting to have feelings for you. Real feelings. I didnt want to make anything weird between you and Desi. I didnt want to mess up our work or our friendship so I decided to bury it. Until the feelings passed.”

“Emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Gosh they are so perfect together! The way they look at each other and the HUG! OH MY GOD THE HUG! Its just perfection.

Now we also see this from Desi’s POV. Again no anger or jealousy from her. I think it was an understanding. She realised that she and Mac were never going to work.. maybe a little pain but honestly everything that went down with her and Mac was her fault too. The lack of trust and understanding was always a problem for them. Sure, things were going well but she didnt seem like she was ready for a commitment if im being honest. If Mac had proposed I think Desi would have said no.(again nothing wrong with that) 

She didnt want to label their relationship..they haven't said the words I love you to each other and I dont think they even live together. It really was way too sudden.(these are just things im assuming people define how well a relationship is going by.. I have no experience.)

Then ofcourse we have what im calling the goodbye scene. Its the break up before the break up in my opinion.

Desi tells Mac that they should pretend the last 24 hours never happened (that might actually include Mac wanting to propose but make of it what you will..) and that they should have a clean slate. But its very clear from Mac’s face and Desi sees it too that he isnt 100% onboard with it. He cant forget about it.

Which is when Desi says “Look Mac just do whatever you feel is right” and Mac looks confused.

She then gives him a goodbye kiss. 

Look if you have ever watched any show/movie before where the characters are saying goodbye to each other or breaking each others hearts...THERE IS ALWAYS A KISS ON THE CHEEK. A final farewell of sorts. 

That is what it seemed like to me. It was Desi telling Mac to do what he has to. Even if it inevitably leads to their break up.

Again real emotional maturity from Desi here!

Then we get the scene, Monica Macer (the show runner) tweeted about back in December.

Mac knocking on someones door. If im being honest? I thought it was Desi’s place and he was going to propose...

BUT it turned out to be Riley’s.

Mac clearly hasn't stopped thinking about what happened. I wouldnt either if my best friend who has put her life on the line for me and trusts me 100%, now has feelings for me? That would turn my world upside down too.

especially if I had feelings for her that I buried so deep that I never acknowledged them.

Also this is my scenario for how their first kiss goes down just FYI.. (Mac showing up at Rileys doorstep and finally confessing his feelings and kissing her *probably won't happen that way now though, but I still love it*)

Mac hesitates for a second before finally knocking on her door.

“Mac? Everything okay?”

“I can’t pretend like the last 24 hours didnt just happen. They did. So I gotta ask. Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did they go away?”

and I proceeded to pass out. My brain just checked out...

Now initially in all my freaking out I thought Mac was asking Riley about his feelings. If HE buried them deep enough would he still be able to move on with Desi but then I rewatched it and I realised he was asking RILEY if her feelings were still there, if there was still a possibility of something ever happening. 

She never told him its all good now! my feelings are gone and it was a long time ago. She told him she buried it but he needed to know if a future with Riley was something tangible. 

BASICALLY ANGUS MACGYVER ASKED RILEY DAVIS IF SHE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. *I think I need to go to a hospital now*

So this was my second reason for not being annoyed about the proposal. The writers used it to show what a huge impact it would have on Mac. How much Rileys feelings would actually mean to him. the GAME CHANGER it would be.

A friend of mine said it was kinda funny and a little jarring but I liked it. (I could have done without the proposal) But I understand why they did it. They couldnt have Mac and Desi break up the same day Riley’s feelings came out because then people would hate Mac. They had to make him want to take the next step with Desi but then drop a bomb on him, that would make him question everything.

Again this is what I took away from it.

BUT GOSH WAS THIS EPISODE AMAZING!

I do get that some people are not happy with this and some said it was too sudden *not like we’ve been waiting since season 1 or anything* but I think after 5x11 things will slow down again. Mac may break up with Desi only at the end of the season when he finally comes to terms with his feelings. (Some people are still cautious and I get it but after everything that just happened I find it hard to believe that Mac and Riley won't end up together after all.. not to mention the leaked script conversation between Mac and Riley from 5x15)

Now I dont know how the final scene ends.. they definitely dont get called away for their solo mission immediately after because Mac’s cheek injury is relatively healed in this stills, which means Riley does answer Mac’s question. She may try to avoid it or deflect but he is standing right there so...who knows.

Next weeks episode is a MacRIley solo mission and lets just say things definitely are heating up a bit..*wink wink*

YUP IM HYPED. 

BRING ON THE SEXUAL TENSION AND THE ANGST!

[ncisladaily]

Renée Felice Smith was only six years old when she knew that she wanted to be an actress and storyteller, but people tried to dissuade her from her chosen career path, telling her it was an impossible goal. Luckily, Smith’s parents weren’t among the naysayers, and today she’s living her dream, starring as Intelligence Analyst Nell Jones on NCIS: Los Angeles (Sundays, 9 p.m., CBS) and co-authoring her first children’s book Hugo and the Impossible Thing with her creative partner Chris Gabriel.

So, when her French Bulldog Hugo was diagnosed with a brain tumor, Smith once again ignored the doubters and found the best vet possible to give Hugo a shot at life rather than listen to those who told her it was “just truly impossible.”

“We just knew we had to try for our little guy, and we’re so glad we did because he was with us for another two beautiful years, just grinning, growling and running around the yard like the wild man that he always was,” Smith tells Parade.com in this exclusive interview. “So, we’re so glad we fought for him and advocated for him.”

When Hugo finally passed, Smith and Gabriel knew they had to tell his story to inspire others to conquer the seemingly impossible things in their life. So they wrote a story about a little dog named Hugo, who succeeded where others didn’t even try as a result of his bravery, curiosity, teamwork and persistence.

“The love is still here, and it needed someplace to go, so now we have the book and Hugo’s message that now we get to share with the world, which I’m just so grateful that it’s become real,” Smith adds.

Related: NCIS: Los Angeles‘ Daniela Ruah Speculates About Whether Kensi and Deeks Will Survive the Obstacles Ahead

This Sunday night, Smith will be back with some teamwork of her own when NCIS: Los Angeles returns with a new episode dealing with technology, which is something that Nell excels at. In the “Imposter Syndrome” episode, NCIS obtains a hard drive containing a realistic deep fake video of a deceased terrorist and must retrieve the dangerous technology behind it. However, when the team’s comms are hijacked during their mission, they find that one of their own has been a victim of its potential.

And, spoiler alert, Smith says that in the May 23 Season 12 finale, Nell will finally be reunited with Hetty (Linda Hunt)! But how that will play out remains to be seen.

“Linda was essentially sidelined by the pandemic, but, very exciting, I do share a scene with her in our season finale and it’s one of the most memorable scenes of my time on NCIS: LA, so I’m very grateful to have her back as my scene partner,” Smith says.

For more of what Smith had to say about her real-life Hugo and Hugo and the Impossible Thing, as well as more NCIS: Los Angeles scoop, read on.

With your background, a movie seems a more natural project than a book about Hugo. How did it turn into a book?

Chris, my other half, and I are lovers of all types of books. We grew up with children’s books and some of the most impactful stories and lessons we feel that we’ve learned in our lives we learned in the pages of those books, so we really wanted to create this modern classic, a book that kids, or quite frankly, anyone nowadays could really benefit from.

Especially right now, we’re all dealing with our own version of the impossible thing, and we’re trying to find our way to the other side. What better way to inspire you and yours to go out and conquer whatever your impossible thing is than through a storybook following this spirited French Bulldog through the forest, kind of this yellow brick road, Wizard of Oz structure? He meets up with his forest friends and they end up helping him through the impossible thing. It’s really a story about bravery, curiosity, teamwork and persistence. We wanted to encourage that in our readers, both young and young at heart.

Tell us about Hugo and his battle with his brain tumor.

Hugo was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we were truly beside ourselves. It was an out-of-body experience. He was a feisty, curious, wild man who was quite literally sidelined by this potentially terminal disease, and we just knew that we didn’t want to give up on him, and he wasn’t giving up on himself. Every step of the way, we would say out loud, “Hugo, just let us know, buddy, do you want to keep going?” And he met us with this enthusiasm for the process every step of the way. And that is truly why we kept going.

Did Hugo instill in you the belief that the impossible might be possible? Or did you already have that?

That’s interesting. I think the process really showed us that if you ask the questions, oftentimes the people who ask the questions are the people who find the answers, and this process really reiterated that. He inspired us to advocate for him, because animals are helpless on their own, but we could do something about it. We could ask the questions; we could be his voice. I’m just so thankful that he was always this bright light that had this insatiable curiosity for life. He definitely imbued that in me, and I know he imbued that in Chris. He did inspire us to help him conquer his impossible thing. If he didn’t have the fight in him, if he wasn’t such a spirited dog, I don’t know if that would’ve happened, but he was singular in a way. I reference him as my canine son, because he was. He was my baby.

On NCIS: Los Angeles, Nell is torn these days. She feels Hetty tricked her into taking the job when she said she didn’t want it, but she has the support of her team and also Kilbride. So how do you think she’s feeling these days?

She really is at a crossroads in her life. I think a lot of young women find themselves at this point, where they are very good at their job, but is it the job that they always saw themselves in? Is it the job they saw their future selves thriving in? I think for Nell, she’s really questioning whether she wants this to be her story, and in the process, she’s really finding her voice this season. There’s a scene with Sam Hanna, LL Cool J‘s character, that recently aired, where she spells out her frustrations in her position as de facto operations manager and how she’s struggling to keep the plates spinning. And she tells him that he needs to get on her team. It was a really stern moment for Nell.

I don’t think we’ve really ever seen that. Actually, LL Cool J and I were talking about what a different flavor this scene is bringing to the show because Nell usually is quick with a quip, but she doesn’t often drop the hammer in this way. And this season, we really do get to see Nell drop this hammer, stand in her power, and let people know that she needs help and she’s questioning this process.

I think that’s the side of being the operations manager that we didn’t really get to see very much with Hetty because she had everything under control. So, it’s kind of fun and new to see the person, who may be greener in the position, find her way in this new position of leadership.

How much has COVID affected what we’re seeing this season? Is that why we don’t see more of Linda Hunt, to keep her safe? And I noticed there are fewer people in scenes, especially in ops.

You’re absolutely right. Our show did an incredible job managing the crisis that was the pandemic and continues to be the pandemic. We are tested five days a week. Our crew was incredible in keeping everyone safe. The was goal to keep everyone safe, and we were, in turn, able to create 18 episodes of television, which is incredible.

You were just picked up for your 13th season, so it isn’t over yet, but when you look back, what will you take away from it?

Oh, my goodness. We’re a family, you know, but it’s been a mini-film school for me as well. My time at NCIS: LA has been educational. I just pinch myself how lucky I am that I was able to quite frankly lock onto a job like this for so long. In our industry, stability as an actor is not something you often experience. So, to have this group of people who I’ve grown to love and really consider extensions of my family, I’m just so grateful for the time. I feel like I’ve been a student. I feel like I went to school all over again for 10 years.

With Linda being this master in her craft, I can’t even quantify what I learned from her and most of it happens when we’re waiting to do our scene. It’s in those moments that I hear the stories from her childhood and the stories from early in her career, just these nuggets of wisdom that I have now in my little carpet bag.

From your work outside NCIS: LA, it seems as if maybe long-term, you’re more interested in being behind the camera and writing, producing, directing.

It’s interesting, often as actors, we’re part of someone else’s story, we’re carrying out someone else’s vision, but I’ve always been a storyteller. As a kid, I would essentially write my own little plays and perform them in the yard and direct my friends and family, my sister, namely, in those plays. And for as long as I remember, I’ve always wanted to tell stories. So, yeah, that is where I see myself heading in the future.

You’ve said that you knew at age six that this is what you want to do. And you were lucky that your parents supported you.

Oh, 100 percent. I wouldn’t be standing here today if they hadn’t instilled confidence in me and in my creativity. They really created an environment that fostered out-of-the-box thinking, and I’m so grateful for that.

Which takes us full circle back to the impossible just might be possible.

It’s so true. If you’re curious enough and brave enough and you have the support, obviously, of your community, I think that’s the missing piece in a lot of these puzzles. It’s really the support because you can’t get there alone. No one can. The one-woman show does not exist. It’s an ensemble; it’s a production.

[monsterdoodles]

Thoughts on Steven Universe Future 3-13-2020

Together Forever: This episode was a lot less about Steven and Connie, and more about just Steven than expected.

Connie has some plans for college, but we don’t quite get to know what her career goals are exactly. She’s planning on getting into politics, but I’m not sure at what level or what branch. Not that that matters to the episode too much or anything. The University of Jayhawk is all the across the country from Delmarva. This is a distance that Steven cannot emotionally handle right now. Upon this realization, he sinks down into his bed, part of his “floating” powers.

It is good to see that he and Connie keep in touch at least over video calls. On a slightly more concerning note, Steven has memorized Connie’s schedule down to the minute.

Garnet says at the end of the episode, that there was no future in which Steven wouldn’t propose to Connie. I’m guessing had he talked to Garnet instead, he would have proposed to her out of spite or in an effort to prove Garnet wrong.

Instead of Garnet, we do get Ruby and Sapphire this episode. Steven doesn’t seem too surprised by their appearance in this episode, so I imagine that they have been teaching these classes for a while. Ruby is doing some kind of nature scout class, did she make those badges herself, or are they part of a nationally recognized scout organization? Either way she’s teaching some gems and Onion about the beauty of nature. Steven tells her about how Connie seems to really have her life together and knows what she is doing.

I can see a parallel here with Ruby and Sapphire, and Steven and Connie. In this particular case, Steven is Ruby. He doesn’t have the foresight that Connie does right now. He, in a way, lacks future vision.

Ruby, either lacking the knowledge of what might be socially acceptable or being too excited about prospect of Steven expressing his love, tells Steven that he should propose to her. Ruby’s logic here is that it worked for her. She ignores the fact that she and Sapphire had been together for over 5000 years and that they are adults.

Steven visits Sapphire as well, she is teaching a class on alternate timelines. I wonder what that entails exactly. I suppose that they do all of those equations that she explained to Steven, but with the understanding that the future still isn’t as predictable as one might think. She also encourages Steven to propose to Connie despite the fact that she is aware of the sociological implications of this, but she’s a hopeless romantic about it anyways.

Steven declare to the gems, that this will be his last day as Steven Cutie-Pie Demayo Diamond Quartz Universe. Interesting that that interaction with Garnet from almost 4 years ago left that impression on him. That is the same day that he learned about future vision, so I suppose that just stuck in his mind. Also, was he planning to take Connie’s last name or add Maheswaran to his plethora of middle names (that he thinks belongs on official documents for some reason).

He makes his plan. He gets jam, glow sticks and cake. On top of the world, he dresses his best and asks her out from outside her window. He says they’ll be back in 15 minutes (this reminds of an episode of How I Met Your Mother, but the season and name escape me).

At the beach, in the same place they first met, Steven has a picnic set up. Had this just be a romantic gesture or a proposal to date, not marriage, things probably would have gone a lot better for him. Connie responds well to all this. She has been shown to have romantic feelings for Steven in the past, she attempted to kiss him in An Indirect Kiss and she successfully kissed him on the cheek in the movie. Steven sings his song with the sentiment of “I want to be me with you”. The lyrics of which, like many love songs in my opinion, have a codependent quality to them. Steven doesn’t know his future, so he wants someone else to be his future, to be someone else.

Connie, very sensibly, says no. They are young, have never discussed this, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t even an item. She also tells him, “It’s a not now” because there is plenty of time. Steven is in his unending quest for stability, and he still hasn’t found it.  Throughout this conversation Connie and Steven occupy opposite spaces on screen. They are in different places in their lives right now, sure and unsure, stable and unstable.

I think if Steven were around more teens his age, he might not be feeling this way, so much at least. He would realize how many people don’t have their lives figured out at this age. Many people his age just want to graduate high school. He really needs to talk to Greg about this. Greg wanted to be a musician, but he was also a community college drop out. He didn’t have everything figured out. (I’m pretty sure this will be part of next week’s episodes in some way)

Connie is willing to stick around when her alarm goes off. Steven tells her to go, probably because he doesn’t want to burden her and because he won’t be holding it together for long. As soon as she leaves, he lies back and creates a crater. The shockwaves ruining the picnic. He lies there until dark.

When he gets up, Garnet is there. She explains to him the inevitability of this situation. She tells him that the hole he is trying to fill won’t be filled by Connie or Stevonnie. Connie is not his “missing piece”. In this scene, Garnet is towering and Steven feels almost as small as his younger self. I think this accentuates how young and foolish Steven was this episode. He holds a frustrated look during this conversation. He says he blames Garnet for making this all look so easy. Reminds me of Cry for Help/Friendship. Pearl had felt the same way about Ruby and Sapphire/Garnet. Steven and Pearl craved that perceived perfection.

Steven then eats his feelings.

Growing Pains: I was wrong in my prediction that Steven would either be stuck in pink mode or have a human ailment.

The episode opens with a scene from the newest instalment of dogcopter. In the movie, Dogcopter proposes to a dog named Drew. Steven laments the fact that “everyone else is getting married”. He continues to eat his feelings like at the ending of last episode, and then his body starts getting out of control. He keeps growing sporadically. He mostly ignores it because it doesn’t hurt him physically.

He wants to reach out to someone who isn’t Connie right now. He can’t reach the gems, so he calls Greg, who is on tour with Sadie and Shep right now. Greg is having a great time, and Steven won’t rain on that parade, even when Greg offers to call him back. He almost wants to call Connie, but she calls him instead. His shapeshifting forces him to answer her call.

He can no longer hide what’s going on with him, since it is manifesting physically. Connie suggests that he should see a doctor. He doesn’t want to bother anyone even when he is physically unwell. He even describes it as a waste of time. Connie persuades him.

Steven pays Doctor Maheswaran a visit, Connie escorts him in. As soon as Connie leaves the room for them to conduct tests, she calls Greg.

This episode really explores how both human and gem Steven really is. He has a human body and it is effected like a human body is. But he is also a gem, it makes his body react unusually and if he’s fractured skeleton is any indication, it is keeping him alive.

Dr. Maheswaran finds out about Steven’s physical traumas through his x-ray. She asks him if he had any particularly traumatic experiences. Steven basically recalls the entire show. Dr. Maheswaran goes on to describe the physical aspects of trauma and the way the body reacts in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen in any piece of fictional media. Steven’s body is trying to protect him from danger that isn’t there anymore. Minor stress to him is now the equivalent to major stress. To make things worse, he feels as though his support system is gone.

When he thinks back to the proposal, things go haywire. As his body continues to grow in size, he takes up more and more of the room. He is almost too big to fit. There is nowhere left for him to hide. He yells “I can’t be around you right now” much in the way he yelled “I just want to fix it” back in Volleyball. His yell shatters the windows.

Greg finally arrives, revealing that Connie had called him. Connie still very much cares about Steven. He explains to Greg that everything feels like the end of the world to him now.

Receiving understanding and support from Greg is what gets Steven to go back to his normal size. At home he continues to explain his fears and worries. All of which, as Greg explains, are normal. Steven now knows what his problem is, or at least one aspect of it, but I don’t think his problems are solved just yet. From the way he “swells up” in response to stress in this episode, I think something big is about to happen in the show. Something so big, that for his body to protect him from it, he will grow into the giant monster from the opening theme song.

Predictions for next week:

Discussion of leaks ahead

Mr. Universe: Still no episode description for this one, but I imagine this is where Steven crashes the van. Steven is still not in a great place right now, and while he seems more willing to talk about things, his body is still reacting in a way that is unsafe for him and others. I believe that this will lead to the van crashing. As others have pointed out, this episode may involve Pearl because she played a big part in the episode Mr. Greg. I still somehow think this episode will be the story of how Rose decided to have Steven, if not it will be about how Greg made the decision to drop out of college and take on the rockstar persona Mr. Universe.

Fragments: This is where that first leak came from, the “leave me alone I need space one”. I’m still not 100% sure what “fragments” is in reference to. Others I have discussed with have suggested memories. I am not entirely sure the direction of this.

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

What do Timothy Leary and Couples Therapy Have in Common?

Remember the old saying “Turn on, tune in and drop out” by the Harvard Psychology Professor and counterculture figure Timothy Leary? It may have been a prescription for hippies in the 60’s, but there’s a deeper message behind it and one that’s actually applicable to mending relationships.

Hear me out on this. With the recent resurgence in psychedelic therapy, perhaps it’s prudent to revisit the underlying meaning for the movement derived from one of the original psychonauts. Here is Mr. Leary’s explanation of the famous phrase:

“Turn on” meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers engaging them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. “Tune in” meant to interact harmoniously with the world around you—externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. “Drop out” suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. “Drop out” meant self-reliance, a discovery of one’s singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change.”

Now hold that thought, and we’ll come back to it later.

As a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with couples, too often I see partners come in with resentment that they’ve held on to for a very long time. Resentment can occur when our partner starts to lose interest in “us.” When that happens, the resulting feelings may be rejection or anger at the one we love. As time passes and not much changes, the feelings of fear and loneliness may start to creep in.

Another reason you may feel resentment towards your partner is because they have done something intentionally or unintentionally in the past and no matter how many times you explain why you are upset, they just don’t seem to get it. Until you feel like they really understand how you feel, you just can’t let it go. After all, there is a certain injustice to a crime in which the culprit lacks any kind of remorse. And yet at its worst, resentment can be compounded when we replay the record of that past event in our mind and we destructively dance to the same feeling it evokes in us to stir it all up again. Perhaps initiating a repair is one of the most difficult things we do because, in a way, we have to lower ourselves.

So then humility is the answer? Well, sacrifice in marriage and selfless actions have been able to predict marital satisfaction over a long period of time. Even if being the first one to give in and break the silence isn’t easy, studies show that when you lead with humility, your partner feels less vulnerable and more themselves. Resentment, like many other challenges in relationships, can be overcome with authenticity. That means knowing where you come from, what you want and why you want it. By learning more about yourself and how you function, you may begin the journey back to your partner.

My guess is you’ve heard the saying “Marriage takes work”.  I’d like to add to that and say that love is a skill that we all need to learn. Those skills we use to learn about ourselves, inevitably bring us closer to our partner. And this is where 60’s counterculture comes in. Let’s use the elements of the before mentioned famous phrase and apply it to resentment to examine the skills.

Turn On

So much of relationship discord comes down to stress management. How we regulate our arousal when our partner pulls away or comes too close is where the rubber meets the road. That means knowing your window of tolerance or the area where you are able to regulate your emotions in order to have a productive conversation. When we become more aware of our nervous system by recognizing what triggers us, we can catch ourselves before the brain goes into a fight, flight or freeze response. Many of those triggers originated in the home we grew up in. Quite often we replay the dynamics from our childhood in our current romantic relationships. But fortunately, good couples therapy incorporates neurobiology to help partners not only self-regulate but also recognize the first signs of stress in their partner in order to co-regulate together.

Tune in

In a relationship, each person needs to become a specialist in knowing their partner. Imagine emotional attunement in one direction and identifying and disclosing thoughts and emotions in the other. More specifically, continual verbalization of our emotional experience coupled with our unique perspectives and beliefs allows us to view into the window of who we are, otherwise known as our inner world. The more we express our hopes, desires, expectations and concerns, the more we can appreciate the differences in each other, rather than be threatened by them. When we practice this we often find that the thoughts in our head turn out to be quite different than what’s really going on once we check them out with our partner. Opening up and being vulnerable to your partner about your fears is where authenticity can be embraced and intimacy increased. We bond with each other over the common experience of the human condition. While at the same time each person has their own subjective reality which is always changing. So the more we talk about our beliefs the more our partner can have the ability to understand our perspective. And in turn, the more empathy they’ll be able to give.

Drop out

Whether it’s holding on to past transgressions or future expectations, not letting go goes directly against the law of nature. In addition, it takes us away from being in the present moment; combine those two things and you’ve got one toxic cocktail! At times it can be helpful to remember that most attachment is about control, and control after all, is just an illusion. Ultimately, love is about acceptance, including accepting that our partner will never really understand us 100% because they are not us. More importantly, love is about acceptance of our partner for who they are, just a wonderfully flawed human like the rest of us. There is a saying that “learning to live is learning to let go”. I think this goes to show not only just how difficult a task it is but also how rewarding the pursuit can be.

One of my favorite adages is that change is the only constant in life. In the context of relationships it often feels like changes can shake our sense of stability. In couples therapy many times I focus on differentiation by helping partners to embrace the differences between each other and manage any emotional responses that may come up. So when they are in the middle of an emotionally charged conflict they can still maintain their sense of self, objectivity, and reason. And better yet, they can be emotionally present and available to the one they love most. It’s choosing us vs me. Letting go of resentment is a decision that supports your team and that’s one of the core foundations of long-term marital satisfaction and trust.

Click here for a free 20 minute consultation.

[dekuinthelake]

Why I’m okay with people knowing I’m transgender

Firstly, I want to start off by saying that if you’re trans and for your own comfort and safety you don’t want to be “outed” that’s 100% understandable and you should not feel bad about that. We all need to move at our own pace when discovering our social limits and confidence. My journey will have not been the same as yours. I live in Colorado, a state that is fairly trans friendly and am a trans man, meaning I’ve most likely had a safer time than I might have elsewhere. Trans women have it especially difficult, and if you feel unsafe in a situation that’s up for you to gage. It doesn’t make you less valid or a coward or anything like that.

Just know that I’m writing this for you and other trans/nb folks. I want our choices to transition to feel like the right one, even when people who don’t understand are making you second guess.

Context:

From the time I was 16-23, I was immensely depressed. I dropped out of highschool because of an immense disillusionment for the future. Primarily, I believed I didn’t have one. I’d always been bad at school, so collage was out of the question. I thought I was too ugly to get married and so that traditional Mormon thing my mother specifically had impressed upon me, which was having kids obviously. Most people disliked me because at the time, I had an extremely aggressive and compulsive attitude thanks to being absolutely lost emotionally. I hated my body and my mind and was convinced the things I despised could never change.

Ironically, one of the thorns in my side was how I always wanted to be a man instead. I recall coming home from school some days and just curling up in bed and sobbing about it.

“If I was a boy, people wouldn’t make fun of my ugly ass body.” Something I felt primarily about my chest. Once I strangled a kid for pointing out my bra strap through a white shirt. No joke. I was volatile and pissed all the time because of dysphoria. Comments about being feminine quite literally triggered me growing up. Every violent fight I remember growing up was caused by someone making fun of me in relation to female gender.

Despite this problem being so obvious, my religious parents took me to Mormon operated therapy. The suggestions I was given by councilors was typically “Have you tried praying about it?” Or “Are you going to Young Women’s every Sunday?” For those of you who don’t know, in the LDS church, they separate Sunday school for age groups based on gender. In particular, they forced all girls to wear dresses.

Having that identity forced on me every Sunday against my will from a very young age caused me to resist in aggressive attitude. Hit a kid in the face with my bible bag once for telling me I should be in the kitchen.

Another unfortunate side effect of the Mormon upbringing was literally not knowing that trans people even existed. I recall seeing trans people (like with waiter we had once) and being a little perplexed but not too bothered. But no one had ever explained the concept to me until much, much later.

After I had dropped out, a friend of mine came out and at the time the concept was alien. I’d spent so much time in my life trying to choke down any hope of being a guy because of religion it seemed impossible to even change genders. But then a mutual friend between me and my trans one (who is now my roommate) explained to me in a car ride I still remember vividly about what testosterone does to your body. Bit of a side note, but the ‘micro phalus’ thing was something I straight didn’t believe and OH BOY LMAOOOO.

Anyway, with that information now tumbling around on my mind... I accepted my friend and continued to ignore my obvious feelings!

Life marched on. I sunk in to gaming addiction, depression, and repression. I think I first tried to kill my self when I was 20 years old. I had quit my job thanks to a car crash I got in to and sunk in to doing absolutely nothing but playing MMOs for months. Eventually I just convinced myself there was no possible way my life could anything meaningful or productive. I had a fairly unhelpful stay in a mental hospital. I got out, got a job at the Denver zoo as a janitor.

I coasted for a few years there. That job taught me a lot. People skills, how to work hard, how to care about the future... And one of my coworkers was a trans man. We didn’t talk much about his transition. Mostly we just talked about cool things at work and how shitty customers were.

I think that kind of interaction was so important to me. To everyone, him being trans was just natural. No one cared and he seemed pretty happy.

With that information I started to do a bit of research on my own. I’m not sure how many months of consideration I had before coming out subtly to my current roommate in a car.

At the time, pondering coming out to everyone around me and having to confront my body every day in mirrors I cleaned for a living became a sort of hell. I worked the 4am shift and had no one to talk to for the entire duration of my work day, leaving me with lots of time to watch videos and think. I mean I mentally battled myself to the point I was in a lot of pain. So I started taking pain killers, mood stabilizers, drinking, and smoking weed in excess. Since I worked in the dark alone, no one would know how fucked up I was. The primary wrench in me finally accepting my own needs was again that feeling of hopelessness. The process of transition seemed so intimidating. It’s expensive. It will take effort. What if I fuck this or that up?

Early 2017, I tried to kill myself again after months of tormenting myself. I remember when they put me in the ICU and asked for my name, I told them Mike instead of my now dead name. The nurses asked if I had a pronoun preference and I just couldn’t say anything at all. But the chart whiteboad hanging on the wall in front of my bed said “Mike’s”. Everyone who came to visit me saw this. In a way, I had forced myself to come out. My stay in the mental hospital provided the same information as the last, but this time I was more ready to accept it.

One of the exercises we did was write plans for the future. Before, I had left it blank. But this time? I had goals. One of them was to come out officially in a far less destructive fashion. My dad seemed to accept it but not fully support. Due to family tensions that were somewhat unrelated to coming out, I ended up moving out in Late September 2018.

Soon everyone in my personal life knew. I got laid off with my entire department at the zoo. I remember coming out to some of my coworkers based on how religious they were the last day. My next job, I introduced myself as Mike and even got a name tag.

At the end of 2018 I started on hormones after a battle to get ahold of a doctor. Since then, I’ve been a lot happier.

I’ve lost over 100lbs and started working out.

I’m currently working the highest paying job I’ve ever had.

I’m living in an apartment with people I really care about.

The people I keep around me accept my pronouns and are proud of me coming out.

I’ve grown a mustache I love so much I can’t bare to shave it.

The power of self actualization

In every respect, coming out and presenting myself in exactly the way I want to has improved my life. For me that included medically transitioning. It’s like I finally have something to look forward to. All the little changes make me excited and more confident in what I like every day.

Even minor things like clothing are now these exciting vehicles of self expression. I never used to buy things I liked since my parents controlled what I was and was not aloud to wear. And even when I got my own money, those standards forced upon me by Mormonism held me back. Every pay check has more meaning when I’m replacing the old life that I hated so much. I seriously love this tiger shirt I got.

I’m proud to tell people I’m trans because finally admitting to myself has improved my life and mental health and unimaginable degree. I went from wanting to die basically at all times to having excitement for what comes next. I’m enjoying activities that I never would have before. Going to gay bars and dancing has been so enriching for me and I absolutely never would have done that before when I was all angry and bristly.

Being trans can be such a possitive experience. It’s freedom. It’s being able to live your life comfortably.

I know there are a lot of people who don’t understand or don’t want to because of their upbringing... and if you are one of those people who managed to read all this, please know they if you’re anti-trans, you’re anti-freedom of expression, anti-mental health, and anti-social.

Coming out was like removing a clog from my life. I’ve FINALLY been able to start living. And that’s something I want people to know about me. I felt dead before I changed my name and pronouns.

By the way. I’m Mike. He/him. 25. And I’m not going to try and kill my self ever again because I’m enjoying my big trans life.👌

[themisterdarcy]

dear darcy,

what’s up? it’s currently thursday, april 30, 2020. we are in the middle of the covid-19 pandemic, and north carolina is on lockdown. well, technically. we are actually the worst state in the entire country in pandemic support. there are 1.06 million confirmed cases in the entire country, with 9,948 in north carolina, and 1,567 in mecklenburg county alone. the stay-at-home order is still supposed to be lifted on may 8th, though. that’s next friday. i don’t know how on earth anybody thinks that is a good idea, but the governor has the power in this situation.

school is canceled for the rest of the year, meaning that i have to finish my junior year online. i’m disappointed that i have to miss prom and seeing my friends (especially kai), but i think it’s for the best. nobody expected covid-19 to be this big of a deal, or for the quarantine to last this long. the day before schools closed, my apush teacher, mr. church, told us that he thought the situation was “blown out of proportion” and i quote: “there’s no way that school is going to be canceled.” even when schools closed, we were originally supposed to be back in school by march 30! here we are, a month later, and there’s no end in sight for this crisis.

trump is being absolutely useless, and even detrimental to the effort to contain the virus. he his early information about the virus, and didn’t bother to take precautions, leaving the country unprepared. by the time of the first case, it was hopeless. this week (or last week... time is all running together right now), he actually suggested in a press conference that a way to prevent/cure coronavirus would be to inject bleach/disinfectant into the body, or to illuminate the body from the inside with a uv light to kill the virus. both of these options as said by trump (uv light actually does have some merit to it, but it is in an entirely different context than trump suggested, and still in developmental phases) would be fatal, and aren’t even a solution to the main issue at hand: containing and controlling the spread of the virus.

in my opinion, new zealand has it down. i only know about it because amanda palmer is quarantined there, but they’re getting close to the end of 5 weeks of near complete lockdown. people are not allowed to leave their houses or visit non-immediate family members at all, and parks and public spaces are closed. while it does seem a little like an overextension of governmental power, it’s working. new zealand only has 1,476 total cases. thanks to prime minister jacinda ardern, the entire country has fewer cases than mecklenburg county. yes, new zealand only has a population of about 5 million, while mecklenburg county has 1.1 million, it’s still impressive that a population five times the size has 100 fewer cases. i honestly wouldn’t mind temporarily giving up some of my civil liberties and democratic principles if it meant that covid-19 was knocked out and controlled.

the people who are protesting the lockdowns are quite frankly narcissistic idiots who cannot see past their own ego. yes, staying at home is difficult and boring, but it’s the only way that life has any sort of chance of returning to a form of normalcy. i don’t think things will be exactly the same, nor do i think they should, but i do want to be able to hang out with friends again. i do want to go to school and have my senior year. i do want to be able to move out and go to college when the time comes. the more people disregard reality and ignore social distancing, the longer life will be like this. the protesters are only making things worse for themselves, and the saddest part is that i don’t think they realize this.

i’m writing these letters to future me (that’s you, darcy!) so that i can have a document of my life from the pandemic. also, i want to be able to remember what being 17 was like when i’m older. i do keep a journal, but that’s more for songs, poetry, and breakdowns. screaming into the void of the internet just feels more Official to me. also, i can’t lose a blog. that’s the thing about the internet: it’s forever, for better or for worse.

i think that i will open each letter with a discussion of any updates about the pandemic, focusing mainly on concrete facts and statistics. these are important to document, and i wish i had been recording this from the beginning. maybe i will go back and create a timeline, but i’m not sure yet. that might just be a task for another sleepless night. after the corona rundown, though, i’ll go into my own experiences and thoughts about the events of my life. these will probably be in bullet-point form, since my mind has the tendency to jump around as if topics were trampolines. i don’t know how often i’ll write, but i will try to everyday. every letter won’t be as long as this one, that’s for sure, but i do tend to ramble on. i hope you’re not overwhelmed, darcy.

taking a much needed break from 2020, how’s your life at the moment? i don’t know how old you are, but i’m assuming that you’re in college at the very least. are you and kai still together? i hope so. i really do love them. have you come out to the family yet? have you changed your name legally yet? i need to do that before my college graduation, because i want my degrees to be in My Name. the thing is, i’ll need to come out to change my name, and that is an issue i don’t really care to think about at the moment. how did that go? was it as bad as i expect it will be? have you started t? besides transitioning, how is your academic and career life? i hope to go to the university of texas at austin and double major in physics and music theory and composition. did that happen? if it didn’t, where did you go to school, and did you stick with the course of study i mentioned? i can’t really imagine studying anything else, to be honest. physics and music theory are two of the most intimidating and difficult subjects there are, and they also happen to be my favorite subjects. i love being challenged mentally, and i also like being seen as intimidating. imagine: a punk, non-binary, queer physicist who also writes and performs music. is there anything more intimidating than that? i aspire to be the “scary kid in your physics class.” i want to be an exception.

i’ve written so much already, but i do have quite a bit to get off my chest. yesterday was a weird day, and i couldn’t sleep at all last night, so here we are. this is what being 17 is like:

it is 6:15 am, and i have stayed up all night.

i was planning on getting a lot of work done, but instead i wasted time listening to amanda palmer and browsing the internet.

my dad thinks i took my sleeping pill, so i need to stay quiet in my room until at least 10:00 tomorrow morning so he doesn’t get suspicious.

kai called me today, but only for 15 minutes. they are a month behind in school, and will only get their phone back once they are caught up. i don’t know when that will be, but i am preparing for the worst.

i identify as androgyne, meaning in between man and woman. recently, i stopped feeling like i was faking, though. instead of worrying that i was making it all up in my head, i’ve become confident that i am Androgyne. it makes sense. it always has made sense. when i was little, i asked my father if it was possible to be “half-girl, half-boy,” and i would tell people that about myself. just because i like glitter and riot grrrl doesn’t make me a girl. i am an enby.

this is the song of the night:

i realized today that i have not left the house (excepting switching between mother’s/father’s) in an entire month. at the beginning of this lockdown, i was struggling, but i feel like i’ve adjusted more or less. this feels normal, now. i don’t feel like i’m missing something from my daily life.

10 days clean :)

my sleep schedule is fucked up. dr. kissam has put me on a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleep medicine as well as my anxiety meds because she’s concerned by my bipolar tendencies. my manic phases have gotten more intense and happen more often now, and my down phases have gotten worse than they have in a long time. i started hurting again, but i’m trying to stop. i think i have a handle on it now. i did give myself two stick and pokes on monday night, though... does that count? i don’t think so.

i have the deathly hallows on my ankle, and the androgyne symbol on my left middle finger. it looks more like an anchor or a dandelion though. :/ i like them anyways, because they are Mine. My body. My decisions. I Am My Own Person.

during the call today, i felt like kai was distancing themself from me. i don’t know if i’m overthinking a 15 minute chat, but they didn’t seem like their usual clingy, lovey self. i’m worried that they’re going to decide they don’t want to be with me anymore during this time that they are off their phone, but i know that it’s just anxiety. overthinking is my enemy. kai loves me. i love them. we are in a healthy, stable relationship (for the first time in my life!!). they aren’t going to decide to leave me out of the blue.

the song for the kai situation:

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if i could just focus on school like a normal person. i have good grades, but i am a Very Chaotic student. if i could just sit down and complete assignments at a normal pace and with consistent motivation, what would i be able to achieve? would i be in a bunch of service organizations? would i be on student council? who knows?! i am darcy, and i am tied for valedictorian while never doing my homework. i don’t know how i do it either.

i’ve decided that i don’t like my confirmation name (octavian) as my middle name. i want to take my dad’s middle name, lamont. darcy lamont wheeler. it’s a super cool name, and it has Significance. our family is directly descended from the lamont clan in scotland. it’s also my grandmother’s maiden name, which i feel like makes sense because my dead middle name was her middle name. poetic justice. symmetry. i have come full circle.

hi! my name is darcy lamont wheeler.

darcy means “dark one.” i really, really like that. i like thinking that i am connected to the somewhat dark and eccentric. like the dresden dolls, or disturbing short stories. darkness adds complexity. nuance. background.

my favorite short story is “i have no mouth & i must scream” by harlan ellison. it is so completely terrifying, so beautifully disgusting, so brilliantly bizarre, so disturbingly ominous, and i have never read anything else that has come close to comparing. i love science fiction, especially dystopian ideas about technology advancing past the point of no return. it’s crazy to me that what could be considered mankind’s greatest achievement is so close to being our downfall.

everybody is awake now, and i hear them in the kitchen. i wonder when i stopped wanting to be awake. matthew and brianna seem to wake up as early as they can and fight bedtime until the absolute limit, as if they want to maximize the hours that they have each day. each morning is a new chance for fun. they don’t seem to resent life yet. i would rather be asleep instead of conscious most of the time. days are uniformly boring and miserable, with the rare diversion. why would i want them to be longer than they have to be? is this depression or is this just growing up? i can’t even tell anymore.

i missed amanda palmer’s birthday livestream yesterday, so i’m going to watch it today. two hours of her and her quarantine buddies sounds like heaven. this woman’s music quite honestly saved my life, and she is the epitome of badass!! i love amanda palmer. i wish i could write songs like she can.

on the topic of the dresden dolls, i asked brian viglione, the drummer, to “prom” as a pretense to ask him about his experiences as a musician, and for advice about how to develop my music. against all the odds, he accepted, so now, on may 9th at 8:00 pm, i am going to facetime with Brian Viglione, drummer for the dresden dolls and the violent femmes, among many others. life? made. i still can barely believe that this is actually happening!!

i came out to my english class, including ms. blaylock on tuesday. everybody reacted really well, and in that class at least, i get to go by my name and use my pronouns. i honestly couldn’t believe that i had the balls to tell anybody besides kai’s family, but i did, and it actually went well! the fact that there are people calling me darcy makes me so happy that i can’t even put it into words. it’s validating. i am darcy. not just when i’m by myself, but in real life. i am darcy.

is it weird that i’m not crippled by kai’s absence? i used to be an unproductive tangle of anxiety whenever mary was out of touch, even for a few hours. i was constantly worried that she was going to hurt herself, or that she was going to leave me. the thing is, even though i am in love with kai and i only thought that i loved mary because she was the first girl i was with, i don’t miss them to the point that i can’t function. i don’t think about them 24/7. i do miss them at times, and i cannot wait until we can talk again, but it’s not an all-consuming thing. i can go through my entire day without talking to them, no problem. night time is a little harder, but that’s because night is always when i go down spirals and rabbitholes. maybe this means that our relationship is healthy? co-dependency is a bad thing, i know, but i don’t know what a healthy relationship feels like since the only other experiences i’ve had (jack, mary, saanchi, rachel) have all been toxic in their own way.

one thing i have learned with kai is the importance of boundaries in a relationship. just because i love everything about them doesn’t mean that it’s healthy for us to share everything. there was a time where we were both in dark places and hurting, and when they shared what they did, it would set me off. the same went for them, i was using them as a journal too often, and the emotional burden had started to affect them. we had a conversation about this though, and established clear lines that we will not cross. it felt good to figure that out. i felt mature, looking out for my own needs and respecting kai’s. isn’t that how a relationship should work?

i love kai.

i’ve written a SHIT-TON. i think this is enough for now, but i might write another letter today. this was cathartic, and i feel like i’ve processed some shit as well as made a record for the future. i hope you weren’t bored or overwhelmed by my novel, darcy. i’m just writing what i feel is important, and i hope it’s still important to you.

signing off,

darcy lamont wheeler

[calliecat93]

Dexter Grif Analysis, Part Two (Sorta)

I had been thinking of doing a follow-up to my Grif Analysis from last year... but this past season didn’t really provide much for Grif. At least, not enough for me to really do a full-on Grif: S17 Analysis. Maybe I’ll do one for Donut, haha. However we DO have the finale with him and Kai, and that IS analysis worthy. I already talked about it some, but I’m gonna do Grif more specifically and how this affects his characterization, both past and future.

Okay, so in the finale, we find out that all along, the draft story was a lie and that he indeed enlisted. Now, this debunks canon that people have been going by for many years now, though tbf the draft was NEVER brought up in canon until now while the enlistment was brought up at least twice (the very first episode and in S16). Not even the Fanguide mentioned it. Still, it does still debunk what people had been going by for a long time, so... what does this do to the character?

Well, let's think about it. So we all know that Grif had a shitty home life from what has been said in canon. His parents preferred Kai over him. His father was ’unstable’ and probably not in the picture much, especially since neither he nor Kai mention him in the S17 finale. His mother was a circus performer who also ‘turned tricks behind the Elephant cages’. He had to take care of Kai more or less on his own despite being... what, two or three years older most likely. And if The Labryinth is anything to go off on, he had an asshole gym teacher who more or less bullied him on some level, and who knows how many other people treated him like shit for whatever reason.

Grif’s life sucked, and there was nothing that he could do about it. He had no control over the situation and no way out of it. And as much as he loved his sister, his mom couldn’t give him what he wanted, and he knew it. So he tried to find a way to get what he wanted. To have some form of structure in his life. A way to take control and not have it be shitty. So he tried college away from Hawaii, and that didn’t work. I imagine that Grif didn’t have the motivation to put effort into his studies cause... well he’s a lazy person who hates all fo that, even if he is smarter and more fit than he’d ever admit. I mean, while it was from a PSA and technically not canon, he was smart enough to at least get accepted into Harvard. But it didn't work, and Grif had two options: go back home and resume his shitty life or try something else. He chose the latter, and he decided on enlisting.

One problem though. Telling Kai that he was leaving to go to college? That was probably something that she could understand. But the military? Which, if you recall, was at a time of a massive war. Grif could easily die, and as such, he’d have to tell his family about why he’d want to drop out of school and enlist. Which would be the right thing to do... but Grif would more or less have to tell his own sister that he wanted away from home and to have his own life. So, because Grif is an idiot who sucks at dealing with emotions, he decided to lie about it. He got drafted. He was leaving because he was being made to, not because he wanted to get away from his life. He now could avoid what would be a very painful conversation of trying to explain to Kai everything and risk upsetting her or make her feel like he was abandoning her willingly. He would never intentionally do that. He loves Kai more than anyone else. But she was a part of a life that he was tired of, and to get the structure that he felt that he needed, he had to leave her behind. And having to admit that to her was simply something that he couldn’t do. Lying was easier.

And what happened after? His life got worst. He was pushed even more than he likely was in school and he hated it. He found out about his family home being set on fire, and he felt too guilty to go back or reach out, and that’s even if he could by that point due to the military. He couldn't just quit one he enlisted, after all. If you believe the fanguide, he got sent to a doomed colony where he was likely miserable AND everyone but him ended up dead. Then after that, he’s re-assigned to Red Boot Camp and thus sold off as a SIM Trooper without even knowing it. And thus, Blood Gulch happened where he was surrounded by people that he hated and who hated him. Yeah, they cared about each other eventually, but still. Oh and then his sister shows up and now he had to make sure that she stayed safe AND avoid bringing up anything.

In other words, Grif quit on his family because he was sick of the constant struggles and tried to do what he wanted. As it turned out, what he thought was better for him wasn’t. It just left him miserable. And it wasn’t the last time that he did this. Look at Season 15. The season where he quit the team, essentially leaving behind his makeshift family. Why? Because he was sick of the constant struggles and decided to do what he wanted. In this case, he actually DID tell them to their faces the reason why instead of lying like he did with Sister, but it’s still Grif deciding that he’s had enough and doing something for himself. And, like before, it made him miserable. He no longer had anyone. There were no more adventures, but he also had no one with him but himself. That drove him crazy. He can’t stand being alone. He loves the Reds and Blues, and he realized that he needed them. It’s why he went back and he apologized the first chance that he got. 

He shouldn't have left the Reds and Blues, and that’s how he felt about Kai. He shouldn’t have left. It’s hard to not blame Grif for his choices. because... yeah, he had every right to call bullshit on a life that he hated and try to change it. Both times. But both times, he found himself in something worst and was just as unhappy as he was before as he found himself in situations beyond his control. It’s like no matter what he did, he couldn’t escape it. He was always going to be like a pinball, knocked around over and over no matter what he did. The fact that he never just tried talking out never helped. He never talked his feelings out to Kai. He never talked them out to the Reds and Blues. He kept running form his problems instead of just getting it over with to get through it as quickly as possible.

While S17 didn’t do a very good job of illustrating Grif’s development, it was still there. He had quit complaining about his the constant work, for example. And I think that the finale does illustrate that on some level, he did learn. He ends up in Kai’s Labryinth, and he finally decides to come clean about everything. How he lied. How he was unhappy and tried to find more structure for his life. How he hadn’t meant to cut Kai out, and he felt too guilty to bring anything up himself. And he outright says that whenever Kai wants to talk about it, he’ll do it. He’s willing to talk the feelings out, both his own and Kai’s. He never would have done this in the beginning of the series, not even with his own sister because he always avoided those kinds of talks. He did talk his feelings out some with Simmons in S15, which was a good step, but he still avoided talking in depth about it by just saying that he hated everyone, but he still needed them and was their ‘hateglue’. Yeah imo, he just said that as a copout to avoid talking any further about his actual feelings about the constant adventures, which he did finally talk about with Huggins a season later. So this is a big step forward for him as a person since he’s at least now willing to talk to his sister about everything.

So how does this affect Grif’s characterizaiton? I don’t think it changes too much. I mean, yeah he wasn’t drafted which may affect things some fan perceptions. But it is still using what’s been given in-show for him. He was still essentially forced into things beyond his control over and over again, even after his military service was more or less over. He never got anything out of it, at least at first. Remember how Doc didn’t mention him when he pointed out how everyone got what they wanted in S10? Yeah, because Grif hadn’t. He hated the military and was only then starting to not hate the people that he was stuck with. Has he gotten what he wanted now? To an extent. He has people that he loves and realized that he didn’t want to be without. He’s actually trying to work through problems now and starting to realize that he needs to talk shit out instead of avoiding it. But he still hates the constant adventures and he’s not 100% there yet, but he’s certianly progressing. Kind of like how Tucker has still been progressing these past few seasons. I’d say that at this point, Grif is starting to find that structure and is certianly int he place that he needs to be. The structure is still a little shaky and incomplete, but it’s certianly a work in progress.

Simply, Grif is in a better place than he had been before. As I said, he’s still got progress to make and S17 could have done a better job in that area, but he’s certianly on his way. I think what has to happen with him now is for him to start opening up to the others more like he was able to with Huggins, or at the very least to someone like Simmons or Kai. He can't control them getting dragged into another adventure, but if he can vent it out and have that support, he can endure it. He may still moan and groan about it some, but he’s not going to quit anymore, he’s going to work through it as quickly as he can. He’s becoming better, now he just needs to find some form of stability.

[juhlcho15-blog]

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[poppyknitt]

Collapse- A JSE Egos Fanfic

**WARNING: Yes I know this one begins with a joke in the recap but that’s because the final four to five fics of The Unraveling are super duper tense and have a fair bit of violence in them, and what better way to make it a bit less serious than to make a stupid joke? Also yeah just by the way if you get triggered by violence and slight gore you might not wanna read these final four or five. Especially the last three. Those are pretty heavy in violence. Just... overall proceed at your own risk kind of stuff.

(The Unraveling will have, at least, 15-16 parts. Maybe 14 if I scrap today’s fic. It will end when the Anti’s Birthday Special ends. From there, everything will be relative free real estate for me, so expect less violence, at least, until like, maybe november or december. I dunno. Depends on how long my sanity can survive on just emotion and character-sanity-based angst.)

——————————————————

Recap: Marvin’s plans are proceeding fairly well, as so far, he has managed to gain control of two other egos, Jackieboyman and Chase, indirectly driving Signe out of the picture in the process, and has presumably done some other stuff that we don’t know yet. Seriously, I don’t even know. I’m literally writing most of this out as I come up with it. Now the four remaining egos wait in fearful silence, doing their absolute best to hold everything together as the uncertainty of what Dark, Anti, and/or Marvin may do next drives them all to desperate measures. Will Henrik be able to escape the future foretold by Seán’s dreams? Will Marvin realize what he’s doing before it’s too late? Will Robbie ever manage to help JJ and Henrik heal from the traumatic experiences they had when they were Anti’s puppets before it’s too late for them? Will Seán be able to stop Marvin? Will JJ and Chase ever get to see the full beauty of the night sky when no lights within at least a 100-kilometer-radius are on? Find out on thise episode of Seán-y Ball J!

Previous Fic

Next Fic

[October 8th, 7AM]

JJ looked to Henrik one last time before the doctor went to work.

“Are... Are you sure you’re okay to bring them in on your own, Henrik..? I.. I know your scars have been bugging you recently...” JJ signed worriedly to the doctor. Henrik had begrudgingly asked the younger ego to assist him with getting Chase and Jackie out to the car that morning once he realized he wasn’t going to be able to do it alone, because of the recently-reagitated scars he had initially recieved back during his 9-month vacation.

“No, JJ. I have assistants to help me vith zhat. You finish getting your morning routine over vith, and zhen you and Robbie vill go to Seán’s house, and spend zhe day zhere, since, vithout Chase, zhere is no one else vith zhe luxury or time to stay here and make sure Marvin does not harm you two, yes?” Henrik said. JJ would have objected, however, he knew Henrik wasn’t asking, at least, not this time. He went back inside as Henrik drove off to the hopsital, only to be “ambushed” by a glomp from Robbie as soon as he walked ten paces from the front door. The tackle-hug sent poor JJ to the ground, but thankfully, the landing wasn’t really all that painful.

“Robbie, what on earth did you have to hug me so violently for?” He signed, even though the zombie probably couldn’t see it.

“Jamie look sad. Mavvy used to say hug make sad better. So I hug Jamie. Jamie happy now?” Robbie explained.

“... Will you let me go eat my breakfast if I say yes?”

“Yes. Do not want to keep Jamie from food. Hunger not pleasant.” Robbie said, provoking a small, genuine smile from JJ.

“Okay. I’m happy now, see?” He pointed to his face, and Robbie smiled, letting go of the older ego. JJ stood up, and helped his brother up, too, before going to the kitchen to get himself some food.

Honestly, aside from having to help Henrik with getting Jackie and Chase’s unconscious bodies into the doctor’s car, the morning had been fairly normal for JJ. He’d gotten up, put on daytime-appropriate clothes(though, it was pretty much the same basic outfit he worr every day), gone to Robbie’s room to check on him, walked downstairs and made sure Henrik had gotten enough coffee and food, gotten hugged(though, be fair, this one was a little more violent than the regular hugs he got) by Robbie until he smiled, and got himself some breakfast. Had it not been for Jackie and Chase’s unfortunate ...situations.., he probably would have gone to check on them, too. Actually, speaking of which, Chase had been unusually quiet this morning. JJ didn’t seem to remember the locator’s screen lighting up as text slowly appeared on the screen even once since he went to sleep last night.

It wasn’t until he heard Marvin’s voice behind him that he realized not asking Henrik if he could take the two of them to Seán’s house on his way to work was a bad idea.

“It’s good to see you again, Jameson.”

~~~~

Jackie did his best to help Henrik and the other staff at the hospital get Chase set up with life support and such, but of course, since his vision was still heavily clouded by whatever spells Marvin had used on him, the most he could do was help stabilize the equipment. When they were done with that, Jackie went over to the empty bed in the room they had been placed in, and sat there silently, as still as a statue, if you ignored the slow movements of his chest as he breathed.

He listened to a couple of nurses conversing with Henrik beyond the now-closed door, having nothing else to do.

“What should we do about the one that is still able to move around?”

“Surely he’s stable enough to continue to stay with you, or perhaps even his family?”

“Vell, at zhe moment, yes, he is stable. But I am afraid he has been treading the line between zhat stability and instability since he vas... attacked. I do not fear for him vhen he is awake, however, I am afraid his brain likes to vander into and out of unconsciousness as much as he did vhen he vas here last. He has not shown signs of needing life support vhen zhis does happen, as it never lasts longer zhen a few hours, but I do not vant to take zhe risk zhat he vill not get vorse.”

“What about their eyes? Is their condition a result of some sort of horrible, undiscovered disease?”

“No, no. Notzhing of zhe sort. I am afraid zhat zheir conditions are not somezhing ve can heal vith medicine. Ve can only vait, vait and hope zhey get better.”

Well, at least the doc had some faith that he would heal.

~~

[12PM]

JJ stood between Marvin and Robbie, his eyes wide with fear as Chase desperately tried to figure out a way to save them without violence, since none of them really wanted to hurt Marvin. Initially, Marvin’s intentions had clearly been nothing more than to sit down and have a friendly little chat between two friends, like old times. JJ had foolishly accepted the proposal, wanting to believe that maybe Marvin had decided that he had caused enough destruction and pain.

That idea had only changed when Marvin refused to let the two leave for Seán’s house.

———

JJ struggled against the Magician’s grip, his eyes wide as he realized just how much of a mistake it had been to stay in the house as long as they had once Henrik left. Robbie was hiding behind him, as Marvin’s painfully strong grip on his arm prevented him from leaving.

“Please, Marvin! You don’t have to do this! I- We were just trying to go to the park, I promise!” JJ signed desperately, tears of pain threatening to spill from his tear ducts at any second. Marvin briefly narrowed his eyes at the younger ego, before loosening his grip on his arm just enough so that it wasn’t painful, but was still strong enough to keep him there.

“Sorry, Jamie. I’m afraid it’s too dangerous for you to leave. I’m sure Seán would understand why you didn’t come if you told him you had to stay because we were afraid that Anti would be prowling outside, waiting for you to leave, so he could capture you again.” Marvin smiled. For some reason, something in the back of his mind that sounded a whole lot like Chase told JJ that he could trust Marvin. He relaxed a bit, thinking that Chase had figured out how to communicate with him without using the locator.

“... I... Okay. We’ll stay here, Marvin... Just... let me go, okay..?” He signed, still a bit terrified.

“Good. I’m glad that you two still trust me.” Marvin’s face read nothing more than pure happiness and gratitude as he spoke.

———

“I gave you a choice, Jameson. You still have time to change your mind, you know.” Marvin said, his eyes entirely emotionless, as the threatening purple aura of magic surrounding him pulsated strongly. He had been storing magic since he took control of Jackie, because he knew the confrontation with Anti he had planned was going to require much more magic than he’d ever even used in his entire two years of existence.

“I won’t help you, Marvin! What you want to do is wrong, regardless of the fact that we have the same enemy! You’re only going to be making yourself out to be as bad as him if you go through with this!” JJ signed, still protectively blocking Marvin from getting to Robbie. He realized that he probably shouldn’t have said that last part as soon as Marvin responded, and braced himself for whatever came next.

“Fine! Have it your way, then!” Marvin spat angrily, and before JJ could even realize what was happening, Marvin had used some unknown kind of spell to violently slam the younger ego into a wall, dazing him instantly.

Robbie yelled for JJ, and begged Marvin to stop, but he was just shoved aside as well, hitting the wall head on with a sickening CRACK!. JJ ran to the now-unconscious form of the zombie, wishing he could scream for Robbie to get up, too terrified and dazed to sign to anyone or anything at this point. He scrambled back into a corner with Robbie cradled in his arms, tears flowing down his face, as Marvin approached his shaken form.

“I’m sorry, Jameson.” Was the last thing he heard, before his brain briefly exploded into a frenzy of pain, as everything went black.

~~

Jackie’s eyes snapped open, bringing his consciousness back into the physical plane as he felt a brief jab of pain envelope his brain. Something in the back of his mind told him something was seriously wrong, so, on instinct, he got up, and half-blindedly made his way out of the room. The hallway was mostly empty, as the nurses and doctors were mostly checking up on other patients or in the ER or something. He made his way a bit hap-hazardly up the stairs, using the astral plane to send a message to the locator he knew was with Henrik as he did so.

“Henrik! I’m heading to your office now! I need you to be ready! It’s urgent!”

“Vhat?! Vhy?! Jackie, I told you to stay in zhe room ve gave you!” The response came fairly quickly.

“No time to explain. I’ll tell you more when I get to you!”

Once he got to Schneep’s office, he knocked urgently on his door.

“Vait! Be patient, Jackie! I am coming!” He heard the muffled voice of the doctor through the door. With each passing moment, Jackie only got increasingly anxious about what could possibly be happening back at the Egos’ house right now.

~~~~

Seán slammed the door to the Ego’s house open, not even bothering to shut it as he frantically searched the place for any sign that JJ and Robbie were alright. It didn’t take him long to find them, luckily, but that was because the room they were in looked like someone had set a bomb off in it, and they were huddled up together in a corner. Robbie was half-awake, clinging desperately onto the unconscious form of his dapper brother, just like he had been in the most recent iteration of the hospital dream. The only difference between this and the dream, however, was that neither of them appeared to be under a mind control spell like Jackie and Chase were.

As he called the hospital, the only thing Seán could think of was how he could have prevented this if he had decided to come check on them when he realized it was two hours after the time they had set for when they would get there by- JJ was never late- instead of just brushing it off as them having a slow morning.

——————————————————

Part Twelve of

The Unraveling

(A very big chapter in a slightly darker version of the Jacksepticeye & Markiplier Egoverse)

Part Thirteen

@antis-loyal-puppet

@chaoticcrimsonrose

@septic-dr-schneep

@spaceykidd0

@tiny-septic-puppet

[cherrystreet]

I wrote this directly after I left my first Harry Styles concert. My emotions were more elevated, and now that I’ve had some time to sit and reflect, I feel a little less raw. Keep that in mind.

I definitely got carried away, just needed to type it out, I guess. It seems a bit mad, and I’m slightly hesitant to post, but maybe someone else can resonate and understand.

Music does fucking weird things to you, man.

Warning: it’s pretty aggressive in terms of “I miss this fucking boyband so much, I cry about it,” but you all know.

It’s not just a boyband.

You get it.

I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th.

Several people have asked me for an update.

First disclaimer: this is less of a concert play-by-play and more of a word vomit. About One Direction. About Harry. About the hiatus, the crazy shit it’s made me feel over the past two years, the future. All a bunch of nonsense - or maybe not - thoughts.

Honesty hour ensues.

Let me preface this by saying I’m grateful. So beyond grateful for all my experiences. I won’t take advantage of that. I never have. Never will.

One Direction holds an interesting pull over millions of people. Me included. I fell in love with them on a whim - it wasn’t intentional. I don’t understand it. I can’t make sense of it. I can’t explain to others why I’m so invested. But at this point, I don’t bother with an explanation. I love to love them.

“One Direction is broken up. You still listen to them?” The amount of times I’ve heard this. I’m homesick for people who don’t know I exist. Moderately crazy, but shows the extent of the soul this band put into their music and performances and relationships with each other. And us. I feel tied to it.

Is any other fandom like this? I don’t know. Nor will I ever know.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve had a very difficult time with the whole “solo” endeavor. One Direction is the biggest and most important part of my early 20’s, and for it to stop so abruptly and without any closure has taken an embarrassing toll on me. My best friend and I have become sickeningly close during our travels - we’ve experienced seven shows together, one of which was out the country - and to me, One Direction concerts became a place to make some of our deepest memories that no one else can replicate, or understand. I met friends - my Rita - through this band. I met you guys. It’s been two years of wondering and waiting if and when they would make a return into our lives, and then. Instead. We got solo Harry. Full force.

I understand the point of the break. I get it. Overworked. Shit management. I’ve exhausted the topic in my own mind, and with others. Doesn’t mean I’m jumping for joy over it. I’m a 1d stan at heart; I support them as individuals, but when it comes down to it, my loyalties lie with the band.

I’ll be candid and real, which I’m often not on this blog. I initially jumped on the “1d went on hiatus because of Harry” bandwagon. My original logic: he said he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who had solid plans. Louis said he fought it. Niall said he wasn’t ready for it. And after closely paying attention to hundreds of interviews since 2015, Harry has clearly showed his gratitude toward the band - don’t get me wrong - but he’s the only one who hasn’t talked about a return date. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to give false hope. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know and doesn’t want anyone to read too much into his words. Maybe he’s moved on. Whatever the case, I shied away from his career at the beginning and couldn’t get excited like everyone else seemed to be. It hurt my heart to see him so happy and thriving away from the pieces that helped him with his start, his life. Honestly, I know I would have felt hesitant about whoever happened to go fully solo first (Zayn doesn’t count - that’s a very different situation). Sure, Niall and Louis had singles out last year, but it’s not the same as embracing a new album, a new identity. It just so happened to be Harry first.

Second disclaimer: I hate that the band isn’t together, but I could never hate any direct member for that. Ever. No one is specifically responsible. And I know that.

My vision is clouded. Selfishly, I didn’t want Harry (or any of them, really) to fall out of love with the past because I wasn’t ready to fall out of love with it. It’s brought me so much joy and love and laughter and experiences. It feels like I’m begging please don’t move on without me. I’ve found a major piece of myself because of this band, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I now feel a little lost. Being 25 is weird enough in itself, in terms of career and relationships and generally just being, and now take away the part that gave me stability and my independence, and I’m just. Wandering. Waiting for something to happen to make me feel as happy as One Direction did.

Reading that back sounds ridiculous. But I’m not the only one here.

I know what this looks like, what it sounds like. I know how skewed my perspective is. I’m doing my best to fix it.

I have Harry’s album memorized. I love a few songs, like a few, dislike a few. I guess that goes for every album. His style has changed from what we’re used to, as has some of his lyrics, but the quirkiness is still the same. The heart is still there. I knew it would be.

I was overwhelmed walking into the show. It’s been over two years since I’ve seen a member of 1d on stage in front of me. I had high expectations - expectations for his performance, expectations about how I wanted to feel once it was over. The venue was beautiful. It was the perfect place to listen to this album live for the first time. Echoey and full of charm and personality. Crystals. Velvet couches in the box seating area. Marbles floors and winding staircases. Pink hues across the stage. Simple, effective lighting. Harry. All Harry. No more crowds by the thousands, no more booming music, no more larger than life stage. Somehow, I felt more anxious.

He did not disappoint. But then again, I didn’t expect him to. For the past three years, he’s always done the best job at captivating my attention whilst performing. Nothing has changed in that sense.

It felt like the final nail in the coffin for 1d, kind of. My friend’s words. It’s too hard to imagine him doing this and then going back to a place where he doesn’t get to 100% put his whole self into what he’s doing, and has to share and compromise on ideas. I understand that. It would be counterproductive to work backwards. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would definitely feel less organic.

Not just for Harry. For all of them.

Doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith, though.

“It’s been two years since we’ve last seen each other,” he said, “and in those two years, I missed you so much.”

I cried from the moment I sat down until I got back to my hotel room.

I like to be overwhelmed by music. But not like this.

I think part of it is because this was only the fourth night of his tour. It’s still brand new. I’m still not well acquainted with it. New territory, uncharted. I sound so ugly for being so conflicted about solo endeavors, especially when I know there were people who won’t get the chance to see him and I did. I’m grateful, I promise. I’m working meticulously to sort my brain from my heart.

I’m seeing Niall in a few weeks. God help me if I feel this royally fucked over from him, too.

Harry has not left behind his roots. That much was clear. I don’t think I was ever really worried about that part, because he’s pure and kind and appreciates everything in his life for what it is. He would never speak an ill word about 1d. Ever. I don’t think he has any ill words. I sobbed when he performed WMYB. I loathe that song. It felt like a small piece of home, anyway, him using their start as a part of his start. He looked gorgeous. He sounded like a dream. He doesn’t have as much room to prance, but he made do. No catwalk, no problem. I missed his voice. His speaking voice, preaching to the crowds about love and bravery. His terrible jokes. His gratitude. Christ, it felt so good to have him in front of me again.

Kiwi was exceptional. The crowd went off. SOTT was overbearing in a beautiful way. Hearing everyone scream “woman!” all at once was a Goddamn experience. The room was deafening for the entire show.

It wasn’t the same. I didn’t expect it to be, but I wanted it to be.

My friend kept saying, “One Direction is so dead and I couldn’t care less.” I care. I hate the division amongst the fans, amongst the media. “Pick a team.” I don’t want to. Right now, my friend loves Harry more than One Direction as a whole, so she doesn’t understand. I’m not going to try to make her. The crowd chanted “Harry” during the encore, and my heart hurt in the strangest way. I told Rita about it. “Ugh. Just Harry.” I knew she’d understand. She almost always does.

I love Harry Styles. With my entire heart. He was happy on that stage. Even while I stood in the back with my face in my hands, I could see that. I’m happy he’s happy. I love nothing more than a happy Harry. The world is a better place when he’s smiling.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel unsettled.

It’s out of my control. Accept the good that comes along with changes. Something I’m learning. Something I’m sure all five original members of One Direction are also learning.

I’m seeing him again on Saturday, in Boston. I’m hoping the initial shock will be mostly worn off and now that I know what solo 1d feels like, I’ll feel more ready for it. More ready for his sequined suit, his smile, his note changes, his band that isn’t the one we’re all used to, the harmonies that bleed together as if it was fate, the lack of three other boys who I miss terribly.

Maybe he misses them as much as I do.

I saw Harry Styles at the Chicago Theatre on September 26th. He was stunning. He moved me to tears. He ran with a rainbow flag, made us scream about pizza, looked beautiful in the neon pink lights. It wasn’t One Direction. It wasn’t better. It wasn’t worse. It was just different. And that’s what I’ll keep telling myself. Embrace being different. It’s what Harry does, after all.

I’m profound in the art of making five days worth of clothing fit into one carry on bag. I can memorize new albums in 48 hours if I have the right determination. I’m able to meticulously plan trips to new cities and venues like it’s nobody’s business. I’ve yet to master the ability, however, of separating love and music.

But I guess those are technically the same thing, anyway.

Thank you for a beautiful show, Styles. Thank you for allowing us into your life, for staying true. I’ve missed you, as a whole, as an individual. I’ll see you on Saturday.

Stay tuned for a second update this weekend. I’m sure it will be much different. I’ll be sure to post some photos, as there will “mainly be prancing.” And what a shame it would be to miss that.

xx Shelly

[balliversedu]

Chapter 16: Self Help Tools

From: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

This chapter is composed of six toolboxes, each with a set of tools to address different recovery issues. Nonetheless, I still value these lists as indispensable adjuncts to my own journey of recovering. I often hand out these lists to clients at appropriate times in their journey. I also give them to students who attend my classes. I have received a great deal of positive feedback about how helpful they have been to enhancing recovery.

My friends and clients whose recovery progresses at the greatest rate are those who supplement their therapy with self-help activities. Those who print out these lists, and carry them around or post them in a conspicuous place until they are deeply ingrained seem to take a quantum leap in their recovery.

I hope that you become immersed in these lists, and that they give you the healing support that I have seen so many others receive from them.

TOOLBOX 1 - SUGGESTED INTENTIONS FOR RECOVERY

Here are normal and safe wants and needs to wish and hope for . . . to cultivate with mental, spiritual, emotional and physical energy. As usual, focus on the ones that most appeal to you. Skip the ones that do not feel right for you or that you do not feel ready for.

I want to develop a more constantly loving and accepting relationship with myself. I want an increasing capacity for self acceptance.

I want to learn to become the best possible friend to myself.

I want to attract, into my life, relationships that are based on love, respect, fairness and mutual support.

I want to uncover a full, uninhibited self expression.

I want to attain the best possible physical health.

I want to cultivate a balance of vitality and peace.

I want to attract, to myself, loving friends and loving community.

I want increasing freedom from toxic shame.

I want increasing freedom from unnecessary fear.

I want rewarding and fulfilling work.

I want a fair amount of peace of mind, spirit, soul and body.

I want to increase my capacity to play and have fun.

I want to make plenty of room for beauty and nature in my life.

I want sufficient physical and monetary resources.

I want a fair amount of help (self, human, or divine) to get what I need.

I want God’s love, grace and blessing.

I want a balance of work, rest and play.

I want a balance of stability and change.

I want a balance of loving interaction and healthy self sufficiency.

I want full emotional expression with a balance of laughter and tears.

I want a sense of meaningfulness and fulfillment.

I want to find effective and non-abusive ways to deal with anger.

I want all this for each and every other being.

TOOLBOX 2 - HUMAN BILL OF RIGHTS

[GUIDELINES FOR FAIRNESS AND INTIMACY]

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to say no.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.

I have the right to negotiate for change.

I have the right to change my mind or my plans.

I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.

I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.

I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.

I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone’s bad behavior.

I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.

I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.

I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.

I have a right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.

I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.

I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.

I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.

I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.

I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.

TOOLBOX 3 - SUGGESTED INTERNAL RESPONSES TO COMMON CRITIC ATTACKS

The attacks of the critic often operate below the radar of self-awareness. Unless we can identify them, we are at their mercy and helpless to deconstruct them. Once we learn to recognize inner critic attacks, the simple techniques of Thought-Stopping and Thought-Substitution are powerful tools in short-circuiting the critic.

There are two categories of attacks. Perfectionism attacks, fueled by toxic shame, create chronic self-hate and self-flagellation.Endangerment attacks, fueled by fear, create chronic hypervigilance and anxiety.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism. My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking. I reject extreme or over generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame. I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/ Over-Futurizing. I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons to others or to your most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all of the time. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt. Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices out of guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. “Shoulding”. I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Over-Productivity/Workaholism/Busyholism. I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/ Name-Calling. I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my original critics onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondriasizing. I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks. No more turning tiny ailments into tales of dying.

11. Negative focus. I will stop anxiously looking for, over-noticing and dwelling on what might go wrong or what might be wrong with me or life around me. Right now, I will notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts life offers me, like music, film, food, beauty, color, books, nature, friends, etc.

12. Time Urgency. I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety. I am reducing procrastination by reminding myself not to accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked. Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bullies/critics onto others. The majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

TOOLBOX 4 - TOOLS FOR LOVINGLY RESOLVING CONFLICT

This is a list of techniques and perspectives I’ve gathered over the years to help couples resolve conflict as lovingly as possible. When I give it to couples that I work with, I ask them to take time at home to read it aloud together and to discuss each one as much as necessary to see if they can agree to adopt it as a guideline for handling conflict.

When I first got together with my wife eleven years ago, we spent considerable time on a weekend trip discussing these guidelines one at a time. We aired our concerns, enthusiasms, caveats and reservations about using them. Over subsequent years, we refined our usage of them, and have evolved a communication style around our conflicts that has helped to keep our intimacy healthy and ever growing.

Normalize the inevitability of conflict & establish a safe forum for it. Discuss and agree to as many of these guidelines as seem useful.

The goal is to inform and negotiate for change, not punish. Punishment destroys trust. Love can open the “ears” of the other’s heart.

Imagine how it would be easiest to hear about your grievance from the other. Say it as it would be easiest for you to hear.

Preface complaints with acknowledgement of the good of the other and your mutual relationship.

No name-calling, sarcasm or character assassination.

No analyzing the other or mind reading.

No interrupting or filibustering

Be dialogical. Give short, concise statements that allow the other to reflect back and paraphrase key points to let you hear that you are accurately being heard.

No denial of the other’s rights as outlined in the Bill of Rights above.

Differences are often not a matter of right or wrong; both people can be right, and merely different. Be willing to sometimes agree to differ.

Avoid “you” statements. Use “I” statements that identify your feelings and your experience of what you perceive as unfair.

One specific issue, with accompanying identifiable behavior, at a time. Ask yourself what hurts the most to try to find your key complaint.

Stick to the issue until both persons feel fully heard. Take turns presenting issues.

No interrupting or filibustering.

Present a complaint as lovingly and calmly as possible.

Timeouts: If discussion becomes heated either person can call a timeout [one minute to 24 hours], as long as s/he nominates a time to resume. {See 1 below}

Discharge as much of any accumulated charge before hand as possible.

Own responsibility for any accumulated charge in the anger that might come from not talking about it soon enough.

Own responsibility for accumulated charge displaced from other hurts. {See 2 below}

Commit to grow in your understanding of how much of your charge comes from childhood abuse/neglect.

Commit to recovering from the losses of childhood by effectively identifying, grieving, and reclaiming them.

Apologize from an unashamed place. Make whatever amends are possible.

Include your intention to correct your behavior in the future. Explain your extenuating circumstances as evidence – not as an excuse - that you were not trying to be hurtful.

1. More on Timeouts, #16

Two of the most common reasons that relationships break up is irreconcilable differences and irreparable damages. The latter could have been prevented in many cases if couples knew how to use timeouts judiciously.

This is especially true for fight-type trauma survivors, who when flashing back, can easily lose control to the outer critic and say intimacy-destroying things. Survivors benefit greatly from learning to recognize the signs of being over-activated so that they can then take timeouts to stop the bleeding caused by a critic on the rampage.

Things said in the heat of a flashback can wound deeply and engrave themselves in the psyche of the other in ways that cripple trust. So much of this needless intimacy-destruction will be prevented if both members of the couple agree that either of them can call a timeout whenever they feel too triggered to be lovingly confrontive, or are experiencing the other as flashing back into being overly aggressive.

Timeouts can range from one minute to 24 hours depending on how long it takes either or both partners to achieve good enough flashback management.

Timeouts work best when the person calling them nominates a time to resume conflict resolution, so that timeouts do not become techniques for dodging issues.

Timeouts can be used individually as a time to release any accumulated charge. This can be done by using the safe “angering out” techniques I describe in chapter 5 of my book, The Tao of Fully Feeling.

2. More on Transference, #19 & #20

In using this list with couples, I notice that those who are most skilled in conflict resolution, have achieved significant skill with steps 19 through 21. These steps are about learning to handle transference.

For trauma survivors, transference is often a type of flashback whereby we unconsciously react to our significant others as though they were our childhood caretakers. When this occurs, we displace onto them a great deal of our unresolved childhood emotional pain.

One common example of this occurs when a partner’s fair and minor complaint triggers a torrent of rage, fear and/or shame that is left over from decades of a parent’s overwhelming and rejecting criticism.

Another instance of this occurs when her failure to say what he was hoping to hear stirs up the pain of decades of his aloof, detached mother or father’s neglect. All gender combinations can of course fall into this trap.

The composition of most conflicts that I witness in my office eventually seems to be approximately 90% re-experienced pain from the past and 10% actual current pain. Harville Hendrix’s

Getting The Love You Want, is a wonderful guide for working through this dynamic in a way that heals childhood wounds and enhances intimacy at the same time.

In my experience, the vast majority of conflicts between consenting adults involve a dynamic where both people play a part and have some responsibility for a disruption in their loving connection.

Truly healing resolutions to conflict typically occur when each partner owns their part and expresses an apology about their contribution to the conflict. For deep level resolution this usually includes an apologetic reference to your transference. A good apology sounds something like this of this: “I’m sorry for the amount of charge I had in expressing my disappointment. While I believe I have a fair complaint, the intensity with which I expressed it was too much. I’m sorry I responded to you as if you were my constantly withholding mother.”

TOOLBOX 5 - SELF-GRATITUDES 12X12

This chart is a self-esteem building exercise and is best approached as a work in progress. Try to think of twelve entries for each category. Resist the critic’s all-or-none dynamic, and list something if it is generally true of you a good deal of the time. Work on it when you are not in a flashback. Ask someone who you trust enough to help you with this exercise.

1. Accomplishments

2. Traits

3. Good deeds

4. Peak Experiences

5. Life Enjoyments

6. Intentions

7. Good Habits

8. Jobs

9. Subjects studied

10. Obstacles overcome

11. Grace Received

12. Nurturing memories

GRATITUDES ABOUT OTHERS 12X12

This chart is an exercise for deconstructing the outer critic’ program of generalizing that everyone is as dangerous as our traumatizing caregivers. Use the same guidelines as those of the last chart.

1. Friends [past and current]

2. Inspiring people

3. Inspiring authors

4. School friends [whether or not you are still in contact]

5. Circles of friends [past and current]

6. Childhood friends [you do not need to still be in touch with them]

7. Teachers

8. Kindness of strangers

9. Pets & Animals

10. Work friends [past and current]

11. Groups [past and current]

12. Nurturing memories

TOOLBOX 6

I am ending this book with a reiteration of the most essential principles of Cptsd recovering. Please reread these steps to help anchor them in your psyche. Notice also if they reverberate with you more significantly than when you first read them back in chapter 8.

13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS

Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take you into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as you were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her/him unconditionally– that s/he can come to you for comfort and protection when s/he feels lost and scared.

Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless – a safer future was unimaginable. Remember this flashback will pass as it always has before.

Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and fragile is a sign of a flashback.]

Ease back into your body. Fear launches you into “heady” worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

Resist the Inner Critic’s Drasticizing and Catastrophizing.

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment. Validate and soothe your child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn your tears into self-compassion and your anger into self-protection.

Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal your wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to your still unmet developmental needs and can provide you with motivation to get them met.

Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become de-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[a]Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. [Tightened muscles send false danger signals to your brain.]

[b]Breathe deeply and slowly. [Holding your breath also signals danger.]

[c]Slow down: rushing presses your brain’s flight response button.

[d]Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or a stuffed animal, lie down on your bed or in a closet or in a bath; take a nap.

[e]Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body. It cannot hurt you if you do not run from it.

[a]Use thought-stopping to halt the critic’s endless exaggerations of danger, and its constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self- attack into saying “NO” to your critic’s unfair self-criticism.

[b]Use Thought-substitution & Thought-correction to replace negative thinking with your memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.

[couplesinstitutecounseling]

Letting Go of Resentment

What do Timothy Leary and Couples Therapy Have in Common?

Remember the old saying “Turn on, tune in and drop out” by the Harvard Psychology Professor and counterculture figure Timothy Leary? It may have been a prescription for hippies in the 60’s, but there’s a deeper message behind it and one that’s actually applicable to mending relationships.

Hear me out on this. With the recent resurgence in psychedelic therapy, perhaps it’s prudent to revisit the underlying meaning for the movement derived from one of the original psychonauts. Here is Mr. Leary’s explanation of the famous phrase:

“Turn on” meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers engaging them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. “Tune in” meant to interact harmoniously with the world around you—externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. “Drop out” suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. “Drop out” meant self-reliance, a discovery of one’s singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change.”

Now hold that thought, and we’ll come back to it later.

As a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with couples, too often I see partners come in with resentment that they’ve held on to for a very long time. Resentment can occur when our partner starts to lose interest in “us.” When that happens, the resulting feelings may be rejection or anger at the one we love. As time passes and not much changes, the feelings of fear and loneliness may start to creep in.

Another reason you may feel resentment towards your partner is because they have done something intentionally or unintentionally in the past and no matter how many times you explain why you are upset, they just don’t seem to get it. Until you feel like they really understand how you feel, you just can’t let it go. After all, there is a certain injustice to a crime in which the culprit lacks any kind of remorse. And yet at its worst, resentment can be compounded when we replay the record of that past event in our mind and we destructively dance to the same feeling it evokes in us to stir it all up again. Perhaps initiating a repair is one of the most difficult things we do because, in a way, we have to lower ourselves.

So then humility is the answer? Well, sacrifice in marriage and selfless actions have been able to predict marital satisfaction over a long period of time. Even if being the first one to give in and break the silence isn’t easy, studies show that when you lead with humility, your partner feels less vulnerable and more themselves. Resentment, like many other challenges in relationships, can be overcome with authenticity. That means knowing where you come from, what you want and why you want it. By learning more about yourself and how you function, you may begin the journey back to your partner.

My guess is you’ve heard the saying “Marriage takes work”. I’d like to add to that and say that love is a skill that we all need to learn. Those skills we use to learn about ourselves, inevitably bring us closer to our partner. And this is where 60’s counterculture comes in. Let’s use the elements of the before mentioned famous phrase and apply it to resentment to examine the skills.

Turn On

So much of relationship discord comes down to stress management. How we regulate our arousal when our partner pulls away or comes too close is where the rubber meets the road. That means knowing your window of tolerance or the area where you are able to regulate your emotions in order to have a productive conversation. When we become more aware of our nervous system by recognizing what triggers us, we can catch ourselves before the brain goes into a fight, flight or freeze response. Many of those triggers originated in the home we grew up in. Quite often we replay the dynamics from our childhood in our current romantic relationships. But fortunately, good couples therapy incorporates neurobiology to help partners not only self-regulate but also recognize the first signs of stress in their partner in order to co-regulate together.

Tune in

In a relationship, each person needs to become a specialist in knowing their partner. Imagine emotional attunement in one direction and identifying and disclosing thoughts and emotions in the other. More specifically, continual verbalization of our emotional experience coupled with our unique perspectives and beliefs allows us to view into the window of who we are, otherwise known as our inner world. The more we express our hopes, desires, expectations and concerns, the more we can appreciate the differences in each other, rather than be threatened by them. When we practice this we often find that the thoughts in our head turn out to be quite different than what’s really going on once we check them out with our partner. Opening up and being vulnerable to your partner about your fears is where authenticity can be embraced and intimacy increased. We bond with each other over the common experience of the human condition. While at the same time each person has their own subjective reality which is always changing. So the more we talk about our beliefs the more our partner can have the ability to understand our perspective. And in turn, the more empathy they’ll be able to give.

Drop out

Whether it’s holding on to past transgressions or future expectations, not letting go goes directly against the law of nature. In addition, it takes us away from being in the present moment; combine those two things and you’ve got one toxic cocktail! At times it can be helpful to remember that most attachment is about control, and control after all, is just an illusion. Ultimately, love is about acceptance, including accepting that our partner will never really understand us 100% because they are not us. More importantly, love is about acceptance of our partner for who they are, just a wonderfully flawed human like the rest of us. There is a saying that “learning to live is learning to let go”. I think this goes to show not only just how difficult a task it is but also how rewarding the pursuit can be.

One of my favorite adages is that change is the only constant in life. In the context of relationships it often feels like changes can shake our sense of stability. In couples therapy many times I focus on differentiation by helping partners to embrace the differences between each other and manage any emotional responses that may come up. So when they are in the middle of an emotionally charged conflict they can still maintain their sense of self, objectivity, and reason. And better yet, they can be emotionally present and available to the one they love most. It’s choosing us vs me. Letting go of resentment is a decision that supports your team and that’s one of the core foundations of long-term marital satisfaction and trust.

Click here for a free 20 minute consultation.

[ridingirlsblog]

Photoshoot of the Week: March 2nd-8th 2020 - Sam & Audi RS3

International Women's Day means different things to different people, but the global focus on equality and celebration is clear. Throughout ancient and modern history, women have collaborated and lead purposeful action to redress inequality in the hope of a better future for their communities, children and themselves. Above all "International Women's Day" led to the formation of a globally united moment for women across countries to come together in hope and action: its global celebration is a time for reflection of how far women have come, advocacy for what is still needed, and action to continue breaking down barriers. With over a century of history, IWD is a growing movement centered around unity and strength. Nowadays women are celebrated because of their courage, beauty, and perseverance to do the things they want to achieve in life. Among many other aspects we must focus on this remarkable fact: in the late twentieth century, the two sexes have become more alike in their access to and usage of cars. This convergence of behavior says more about the actions taken by women to gain equality rather than about any changes in automobile production and technology. Among these actions the dominant trend has been for more women of all ages to be gainfully employed and then for women of all ages to be able to drive. They entered what some historians call “male public space” but they have kept all their values, like dignity, hope, tenacity, respect, empathy and their attitude and style. And talking about style, you have to admit that amazing socialite Miss Sam Beck is the queen of style. Not only: ever since she was a little girl, she've always loved cars. While other girls collected and played with Barbie dolls and playhouses, she has always dreamed of having a really nice ride and in the years she made her choice picking up one of the greatest car avalable in the market: Audi RS3. Isn't she fabolous? After all beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself, and she is a Driver, not just a hot girl posing next to a car. To quote what we said in our first post on this blog: you better call her Lady! *** *** *** The Audi RS3 is one of the greatest subcompact performance sedans of our time: the 2.5-liter five-cylinder turbo in the RS3 has been available here for a few years now, and with 394 horsepower and 354 lb-ft of torque, it's a firm favorite for those who aren't energized by the prospects of a BMW M2 Competition. However, it's no budget car with prices starting at over $56,000. That said, its unique engine note and undeniable capability on all surfaces make it one of the most usable performance cars available. All four wheels get some of the brilliant engine's output, which is managed by a seven-speed dual-clutch gearbox. Unlike the Bimmer, no manual option is available, but those who have sampled the S-tronic won't be too perturbed. The RS3, and the A3 on which it is based, are due for a complete redesign soon, so for now, little has changed. The 14-speaker Bang & Olufsen sound system that was formerly an option is now included as standard, but aside from that, the RS3 is identical in 2020 guise to the 2019 model. Carbon-ceramic brakes have, however, been dropped from the options list. Essentially this facelift brings the RS3 in line with the recently updated A3 so you now get LED headlights (with optional Matrix upgrade) and the 12.3-inch Virtual Cockpit digital instrument panel with configurable displays. The suspension is 25mm lower than the A3 and there’s a 20mm wider front track plus the usual RS styling upgrades – honeycomb grille, ‘quattro’ front bumper logo, larger air intakes, flared wheel arches and massive oval tailpipes. Carbon ceramic front brakes are an option, as is the wider-ranging magnetic adaptive damping system, more supportive RS bucket seats and the 'Audi phone box' with its wireless charging pad. The biggest headline, however, is the launch of the RS3 Saloon – the first time Audi has fitted a transverse five-cylinder unit into such a body style. Proportionally it looks like an older, more compact A4 and presents a tempting four-door AWD rival to BMW’s M2. Besides the tremendous engine, the RS3 comes with a unique red-stitched Nappa leather interior as well as 19" 5-arm wheels, full LED headlamps, RS-specific fascias and diffuser and magnetic ride suspension. Safety features on all the A3 models include anti-lock brakes, traction control, stability control and a tire pressure monitoring system. Airbags include advanced driver and passenger front airbags, knee airbags, thorax side airbags as well as side curtain airbags. An anti-theft alarm system comes standard, while Active Lane Assist, Audi Pre-Sense automatic braking and adaptive cruise control are all optional on the A3 Prestige. The Quattro four-wheel-drive system comes with new software. So while the RS3 could send 100% of its power to the rear axle before this mid-life update, it never felt as aggressively set up as you might hope. In its new guise, the system never has a standard power split. Audi’s engineers say the ratio between front and rear axles constantly varies, to match both grip levels beneath and driver input inside. There’s more power, too, than . The 2.5-liter five-cylinder engine produces a nice round 400PS, or 395hp, which is up 33hp on before. Additionally, the engine is 26kg lighter (thanks to an aluminum crankcase and magnesium oil pan, if you want to geek out). The top speed is 155mph, but Audi will lift this to 280kph with the right options box ticking. And that’s still limited. For a car this size, it’s frankly bonkers. Its 0-100kph sprint also lives in a more serious part of the market. Audi quotes 4.1sec—0.2sec quicker than the old RS3—and we suspect it’ll dip below that easily. With the seven-speed S Tronic automatic gearbox linked to a launch control system, it’s all dangerously attainable, too. Sensible numbers—on the new-fangled WLTP system—are 12.63km/L and 216g/km of CO2 emissions. Prices start at a whisker over £46,000 (P3.08 million) for the Sportback, with the Sedan commanding another £1,000 (P67,000). #cargirl #fastcars #cargirls #carporn #RidinGirlsBlog #drivergirl #femaleriders #sexycar #AudiRS #RS #Audi #luxurycars #carchick #suvlady #suv #speed #roadracing #ridingsexy #carracing #truckgirl #sportcar #Audination #richgirls #Audilove #Audigirl #AudiRS6 #AudiRS3 #RS6 #BAE #RS #RS5 #AudiTT #AudiRS4 #quattro #RS3 #coupe #sportcar #Audir8 #bimmers #rs7 #Audigirls #instacar #Audimotors #audiworld #AClass #AudiA3 #A3

    It's always sunny if Sam is around ... Visualizza questo post su Instagram I think it’s finally time for a new pair of sunnies Im obsessed with my @smithoptics but I’ve dropped them sooo many times that they’re all scratched up!Pretty soon they’re gonna break and then what would I do?!?!We all know my sunglasses are literally an extension of me! _____________________________________________ #audi #s3baby #sunnies _____________________________________________ Sponsored by @eurocode @luxmats @tawchicago @aprllc @adamspolishes @cxncustoms @dchaudicalabasas @vibemotorsports @510autogroup _____________________________________________ @jason__chavez _____________________________________________ @6ixeuro @europeanautohause @audibahn @audiclan @audi_luxembourg @audi.culture @vwall_ @ladedrucktv @audirslife @audi_vw_official @audi_collections Un post condiviso da Miss Sam Beck | RS3 BAE (@miss_sambeck) in data: 31 Lug 2019 alle ore 8:15 PDT Read the full article

[stuar-tt]

I feel like I come off as arrogant and self-entitled a lot when I talk with people about my job, but I also feel like the drastic weight of what I'm saying can't always be comprehended...

I don't mean to bore, but I am going to vent a little bit, and I advise against reading it...

Double apology because Tumblr mobile doesn't want to support my "[[MORE]]" insert

A small perspective. I manage a department of what is now essentially 8 people. The unfortunate part is that the number there is misleading due to the fact that out of 18 people on the floor, I am the 3rd longest working employee in the factory. In terms of knowledge, I am tied for first, as the 2nd longest person has only bare knowledge of one particular aspect.

Earlier this year, my department consisted of 4 employees, each of us friends that started at the same time, with equal knowledge. (One of them being me, and the other being the 2nd longest mentioned above.)

When 2 of those guys left at the beginning of the year, my boss promoted me to manager and hired 5 guys to replace the 2 that left. Not to mention the rest of the 18 who were also replacements for previous employees.

Now, flash forward to where we are now.. I'm required to keep an eye on all of these people and answer all of their questions, because there is literally nobody else there with enough knowledge to do so. So my entire day consists of being dragged in 40 different directions trying to keep production going, while still trying to do my own job.

And I'm losing my fucking mind. Sure, I got a raise. But for the amount of work? It was fucking measly. I took it because I didn't want to shoot for a salary with a job I had no experience in (management). Now though, I've been thrust into worse and worse situations trying to get things done that aren't my job..

Last week, for example, our shipping manager was on vacation. Normally, if it was this time last year, one of the 4 previous guys mentioned would take over his job for the week while I would cover his job, part of mine, and the other 2 would do theirs and the other part of mine. Now with 2 guys gone, it's me doing the shopping job, my job, the previous employees job PLUS trying to manage the people who have no idea what they're doing.

And I'm not holding that against the new guys! They're new! It's not their fault they don't know some of the simple things, it's not something they've learned! But for the fucking pay increase I took, it's literally driving me insane...

I'm gaining weight, losing motivation, starting to show my dislike of the company (which isn't a good thing for a manager to do...) And really just starting to snap within my own mind. I have no stress relief. When do I have the time?! Every night I get home from work, I inevitably get phone call(s) through the night asking questions about what's okay to ship and what isn't. There's no ME time..

As for the self-entitled part? I've made a deal with myself that, if my Christmas bonus wasn't adequate after this life draining year, I would start to focus on other job opportunities. It's a selfish thing to say though, because I know that a bonus isn't something a lot of people in this world get. I also got one last year that was absolutely nothing to laugh at. So who am I to set my bar higher? What sort of a bonus for I REALLY deserve?

I haven't set a hard line for myself on this check. Last year was very nice. And that was after putting in over 400 hours of OT. I haven't even scratched that this year, but the emotional toll has been far more devastating.

What exactly is the cost of my own mental stability? And, if my boss doesn't hit that cost, how comfortable would I be taking a pay cut (which I 100% would) by finding a job somewhere else?

My future at this company is in my hands. I know how valuable I am. 80% of our workforce was hired in 2019. I'm one of the three employees with a sizeable amount of knowledge, and I've only been there since 2015. What is it that I deserve?

I'm actually starting to give myself a panic attack the more I think about it. In just a couple of weeks, the checks will go out, and then I have to decide what to do with my life. I have no college education. A minimal, and useless, job history besides this one. And nothing to really show for where I am besides knowledge of processes that literally don't apply almost anywhere in the world.

I'm drowning in a pool of negatives, but if I have to do this job for the rest of my life getting paid what I do now, I would likely become so depressed that I would never come out of it.

I don't know what to do, and for one of the rarest times in my life, I'm absolutely fucking terrified about what the future holds for me; because, at this point, I have no control besides saying I'm going to stay, or I'm going to leave...