#leave my princess w a disorder alone

[the-acid-pear]

Life is tough for the old men fuckers like me because I love their kids too so have to believe in "hate the sin not the sinner" so morals won't interfere with my lust.

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

Haiii hello :3 I’m back again with more stsg thoughts !! So,, I feel like we can all recognise that teen stsg are complete and utter losers BUT there are quite a few scenes in the anime that make it obvious that the both of them are capable of being serious to protect people when it’s necessary.. and it made me think of how they would react if you got seriously injured hmmm HMMMMM (this totally isn’t yummy to me because I wanna see feral protective stsg…. Totally…..) or maybe it’s a lil like when Toji told sugu that he killed satoru hhhh … like ur all on a mission together and u get separated somehow and satoru is like “where tf did y/n go 🙁🙁” and whoever they’re fighting comes outta nowhere like “oh I killed th-“ 💥💥💥💥💥💥 ‘n it turns out you’re just a little injured 😭😭 but I feel like they’d be sooo dramatic and worried about you :( and satoru “jokes” that now they won’t be able to leave u alone incase u get injured again…he’s just gonna have to keep an eye on u and protect u forever and ever (he means it) and sugu js goes full mother mode like he’s forcing u to stay in bed, makes you soup, reminds u to take pain meds and listens to every word of advice the doctor gives to help u recover from the injury 💔💔 hrherh I know this wasn’t as long as my usual asks but I thought it was cute and I’ve been thinking about the stupid losers all day… can’t wait to see the sashisu thing uve been working on too !! I love them sooo much I know shoko doesn’t get much love in this fandom :( loser boys (stsg) taking up too much of the spotlight smh…. Move outta the way…. It’s bae shokos turn…. (Joke I still love stsg💔) but she’s my cute tired loser wife with a coffee addiction and I hold her very dear to my heart she’s my princess with a disorder (the disorder is depression) hehe I hope u have a wonderful day/night/whatever time it is for uuu !! — stsg anon !! 💗🌸

had to go into pixlr to make this r u proud of me…. HEHEH STSG ANON MY SWEETIE my number one supplier of treats <33333 i loveloveloveeee feral protective stsg…. ure so real…… they’re both wolfboys at heart i think .

but ohhhh u always get them perfectly….. toru joking around to lighten to mood (but he’s actually not joking at all) while sugu goes mother hen mode……… :((( they’re both sooo so worried. there’s nothing they wouldn’t do to protect u!!!….. one scenario i keep thinking of is reader falling down a set of stairs or slipping on a patch of ice when it’s cold n slippery outside…. and spraining their ankle… so stsg has to take care of them and they’re both just. Wrecks. bc they feel sooo guilty and they hate seeing u in pain….. i imagine that it’d hit sugu extra hard so toru tries to be more serious and mature than usual to make up for it!! idk i just feel like sugu is especially prone to blaming himself over things like this :((( even if it wasn’t his fault at all…. and he tries to distract himself from the shame by tending to u like a baby chick. makes u food and carries u around the house…. sits u down on his lap and tries to distract u from the way his eyes gloss over w tears bc he can’t stop looking at the cast on ur foot and he just feels so incredibly guilty :((((((((….. sniffle. i wanna hug him.

i got carried away phfkdjkdkf BUT I LOVE YOUUU STSG ANON and i love this concept sm…….. they’re both papabears :((( i feel like satoru gets a lot more serious when you’re injured, while suguru gets more meek than usual…. it’s kind of a reversal of their usual roles but it’s great bc they balance each other out !! :3 like. in the scenario above i feel like satoru might get frustrated bc they told you to be careful not to slip on the ice or whatever but suguru is there to remind him that you’re in pain and that it was an accident :(( and when it’s a more minor injury i think suguru is the one to get slightly condescending bc why would you go out into the rain without a jacket?? /obviously/ you’d catch a cold, dummy. and satoru is there to defend your honour with his life LMAO…… they’re sooo so silly.

ALSOOOO STSG ANON ….. i’m so glad that ure excited for the sashisu fic 😭😭😭 that made me so happy!!! i agree sm, shoko is sooo underrated she’s my little meow meow i love her sm :((

she’s my cute tired loser wife with a coffee addiction and I hold her very dear to my heart she’s my princess with a disorder (the disorder is depression)

YOU’RE SO REALLLLL PDHFJJDJF MY BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS WITH A DISORDER <3…. i knew i could trust u stsg anon, she’s SUCH a loser and we don’t talk abt it enough smh. she’s literally soooo similar to stsg like they’re all the same… soft sappy silly little losers…… oh how i love them so <33

[theradioghost]

Do you have any podcast recs that are super easy for those of us with audio processing problems? For me specifically that means one voice (or maybe two if they’re very distinct) and minimal complexity in the soundscaping, though if you have recs that don’t fit those that you think might apply to other people w/ different audio processing issues you can talk about those too! :)

I can certainly try! I feel as though I should put it out there that I often have a difficult time gauging where a podcast sits re: audio processing/HOH listeners; the literal entirety of my day job is being good at telling what people are saying in audio, and my own audio processing problems mostly just result in my near-inability to keep up with actual plays, so if any of these are misjudgements on those terms I apologize in advance.

* means that I know there are also transcripts available for the podcast in question!

SAYER: scifi dark comedy/horror. In a morally questionable tech corporation’s moonbase facilities, advanced artificial intelligence SAYER directs employees about their daily routines; this then turns over time into possibly the best story about AI I’ve ever heard. Especially in the first three seasons, virtually all speaking is done by one voice. (Caveat that a few other characters come in later, and they’re actually all voiced by one guy with different filters, but the filters are pretty distinct and characters tend to identify themselves by default at the beginning of every conversation.)

*The Cryptonaturalist: comforting supernatural folksiness. The titular expert on all things strange and wonderful reads poetry, admires nature, and talks about wonderful creatures like foxes that live within library shelves, stick insects that camouflage themselves as whole trees, salamanders that swim in parking lot asphalt, and Owls.

*The Hidden Almanac: comforting supernatural weirdness. Hagiographer, avid gardener, and Mysterious Dude In Plague Doctor Getup known as Reverend Mord gives tidbits of the history of his strange and fantastical world, along with gardening advice. Sometimes his tequila-swigging accidental necromancer best friend coworker Pastor Drom shows up. Written by fantasy author Ursula Vernon and mostly voiced by her husband Kevin. Extremely relaxing to listen to; the show ended last year but they put out five-minute episodes three times a week for eight years so there’s plenty of it. The first year or so actually doesn’t appear on most podcatchers so maybe check out the website.

Everything Is Alive: poignant, heartfelt interviews with inanimate objects. While there’s a different object featured each episode, it’s mostly just them and the interviewer, plus occasional phone calls with an expert on some subject brought up during the interview. Hits so much harder than you could possibly imagine given the summary. You WILL be upset about a can of off-brand cola.

*Quid Pro Euro: bizarre comedy mockumentary. A satire of the European Union in the style of a set of instructional tapes for EU employees made in the ‘90s, predicting what the EU would look like in the 21st century. Their predictions are somewhat off. Only one voice and delightfully it is Felix Trench. I don’t know anything about the EU but I still think it’s hilarious.

*Glasgow Ghost Stories: spooky supernatural. A resident of Glasgow is unexpectedly able to see the many ghosts that reside in the city -- but the ghosts have started to notice her too, and not all of them are friendly. A beautiful and atmospheric single-voice show; plus the feed also contains the very good miniseries Tracks.

*Palimpsest: poetic and haunting. An anthology series about young women experiencing supernatural happenings, each 10-episode season tells a different story in monologue (I think there are literally two episodes with other voices in them). Poignant, gorgeous, and sometimes heartbreakingly sad in the best way. In season one Anneliese wonders about the strange neighbors at her new apartment. In season two, Ellen takes a new job as companion to a supposed fairy princess imprisoned in a strange showroom in turn of the century America. In season three, former codebreaker Josie begins to see the spirits of the dead on the streets of London during the Blitz.

*Within the Wires: alternate history scifi found footage. From a world where a calamitous global war resulted in the installation of a new Society where nations and family ties are banned, an anthology of voices telling their stories. Each season is a single voice. Season one, a set of relaxation tapes deliver unexpected instructions to a government prisoner in a strange medical facility. In sSeason two, a series of museum exhibit guides spin out the mystery of two artists and their work. In season three, a government employee dictates notes to his secretary and begins to suspect a plot. In season four, the traveling leader of a secretive cultlike commune leaves sermons for her followers, and instructions for her daughter.

*Alice Isn’t Dead: lesbian americana roadtrip weird horror. Keisha’s wife Alice was missing, presumed dead. Now Keisha is a trucker, traveling the vast American emptiness to seek her out; but she’s about to become embroiled in the same vast secret war that may have drawn away her wife, and she’s not alone on the roads. Starts with one voice, adds a new one each season for a total of three. Also is finished.

*Station Blue: psychological horror. Matthew takes a job as the lone caretaker of an Antarctic research station for several months. This goes about as well as you’d predict. Very much a slow burn, strange, brooding horror of isolation. Heavy themes of mental illness based on the creator’s experiences of bipolar disorder. 

*Mabel: dark, poetic faerietale horror. Live-in caretaker Anna attempts to contact the absent granddaughter of her elderly employer, the lone resident of a strange and ancient house in Ireland. A love story, a haunted house story, a fairy tale with teeth. This one might be hit or miss; it sometimes tends to the abstract a bit, and there’s more soundscaping and some other occasional voices besides the main two protagonists. Definitely worth trying out, though, this is absolutely an underappreciated gem.

*Janus Descending: tragic scifi horror. Two researchers, Peter and Chell, travel alone to a distant planet to survey the ruins of its extinct civilization. Unfortunately, they discover exactly how that civilization died out. Excellent if you like movies like Alien, and also being extremely sad. Only two voices. Really unique story structure: it’s told via the two protagonists’ logs of the events, but you hear Chell’s logs in order, and Peter’s logs in reverse, with their perspectives alternating. The result is a tragedy where technically you know the ending from the start, but it’s told so cleverly that just what happened and how remains a tantalizing, tense, heartbreaking mystery right until the end.

*I Am In Eskew: poetic, surreal horror. Only two voices and few sound effects. David is a man trapped in the twisting, malevolent city of Eskew, where the rain always falls, streets seem to lead the same way twice, and nothing can be trusted. Riyo is an investigator, making her way through rumors and questions in search of a man long missing and a place that seems not to exist. Maybe my favorite horror media ever? Deeply disturbing and yet even the most awful things are somehow beautiful. Like if Lynch, Escher and Mieville had a terrible, wonderful baby.

*Tides: contemplative hard scifi. When biologist Dr. Eurus is wrecked alone on a distant alien world shaped by deadly tidal forces, her struggle to survive also becomes a meditative exploration of the ecosystem around her, and a recognition that here, she is the alien. Mostly it’s Dr. Eurus; sometimes you hear from her coworkers. It’s got Julia Schifini, what’s not to love?

*Midnight Radio: ghost story/romance. A 1950s radio host who broadcasts a late-night show to her small hometown begins to receive letters from a listener and respond to them on air. I wrote this! It has a total of three voice actors and virtually no soundscaping. I promise it’s good.

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons pt 13

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

BIG WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, DRUGS

This will be a multi chapter series with fluff, smut, angst, all the things

Monday - third week of school

I waited in the kitchen with a Tupperware container of toast and a travel mug full of coffee that I had sneakily spiked when my mom had left the kitchen to shower. Billy's car pulled into the driveway, music booming.

I walked over to the bathroom door, calling out over the water, "bye Mom!"

With a deep breath I grabbed my things and walked out of the house, meeting Billy in the driveway for a kiss. He pulled away from me, his eyebrows knit together and walked to the passenger side of the car, opening the door for me.

"Thanks, Billy," I tried to sound cheery, "morning, Max. Want some toast?" I asked, opening the container and offering it to both siblings.

Billy and Max exchanged a look before digging in, finishing off the toast quickly. Max started talking about her classes, how she wasn't understanding some of the work while Billy sucked the jam off his fingers.

"Well I could come over after school and help you out if you want," I offered.

Billy nearly choked, "no! Absolutely not."

"Why not? Max needs help with her homework," I looked at him, confused.

"You're not stepping foot in our house, Cat. You hear me? Not optional," his jaw clenched and his fingers tightened on the steering wheel.

I pouted for a second, "well then why don't you come to my place? It would be nice to have some company, my mom will be asleep."

They looked at each other in the rearview mirror before Billy nodded, "that sounds great, Princess."

Max beamed from the backseat, "can we get pizza?"

Billy's chuckled as he pulled into the school parking lot, "sure, Max. We'll pick some up after school."

We all got out of the car, Max waving goodbye enthusiastically as she skated off. When I turned around I was suddenly face to face with Billy, who was glowering down at me.

"Babe, what's wrong?" I asked, confused.

He grabbed the coffee mug out of my hands and took a big swig, grimacing at the taste before unscrewing the lid and tossing the contents on the ground.

"What the fuck?!"

"I could smell this as soon as you left the house. Max could smell it. What's going on?"

"Billy, I-" I was interrupted by the school bell and sighed in relief. "We're going to be late, let's go. We can't do this now."

Billy grabbed my wrist, not moving, "but you will tell me?"

"Yes, I'll tell you. Later," that seemed good enough as he set his jaw and slipped his hand down to lace our fingers together to walk into the school with me.

--

By lunch my anxiety was through the roof, I was nervously chewing my fingers and leaning on Billy's car. When I saw him walking towards me I clenched my fists, letting my nails dig into my palms and tried to decide what I was going to tell him.

"Hey, Princess," his lips pulled into a tight line across his face as he took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lighting one.

"Hey.."

"So, you gunna tell me what's going on with you?"

"Billy..I-"

"No," he interrupted, a stern look on his face, "tell me."

I sighed, "can we go somewhere else?" I asked, hugging my arms to my chest.

His eyes softened, "yeah, Baby. We can go somewhere else."

He walked around the car to open the passenger door, letting me get in before gently closing it. Billy's familiar scent filled my nose, leather, cologne and cigarettes calming my nerves.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, pulling into the diner parking lot.

"I'd eat some of your fries and a diet coke," I answered with a tired smile.

Billy nodded and left me in the car to get his lunch. As soon as he left I started shaking, my heart pounding as I thought of what to tell him. Tears threatened to fall while I waited.

Billy returned to the car, a bag of food clutched in his hand and a confused look on his face when he saw me wiping my eyes.

"Babe, you're worrying me," he spoke quietly, "are you leaving me?"

"No! That's not it, Billy. I promise."

He exhaled loudly, shoulders sagging in relief and started up his car.

When we pulled up to our spot in the forest, Billy turned off the car and pulled the bag of food into his lap, rummaging through for his burger. I sipped on my diet coke, watching him devour the burger.

Eventually he looked over at me with a cocked eyebrow, "well?"

"Billy, I've just had a lot of shit going on y'know? Like, it's hard being alone so much, I haven't been sleeping much and the party when you weren't there.."

He bowed his head, "I'm sorry about that, I've told you."

I waved my hand at him, "no, it's not you. I just got freaked out about what happened. Then we were fighting and then I said.. the thing.. that we haven't talked about and I was so worried that I fucked us up," tears were spilling down my face now.

Billy reached across the car, grabbing my hand and sighed, "Princess. It didn't fuck anything up."

"Do you though?" I sniffed.

"What?"

I pulled my hand out of his and scoffed, getting out of the car.

Billy followed soon after, "Baby?"

I wrapped my jacket around myself tightly and stared at him, "Billy. Do you love me or not?! Either you're in or out, I don't want to beat around the bush and pretend it never happened anymore."

He was in front of me in an instant, grabbing my face, "I'm in. I'm always in for you, Cat."

"I love you, Billy," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back and twisting my fists in his jacket.

"I love you," he whispered.

He clutched me to his chest as he kissed me, like he was afraid if he let go it wouldn't be real. My heart still ached, I thought about telling him everything but I couldn't get the words out. It's like my throat had been ripped out and I couldn't make a sound. Couldn't break the happy bubble that Billy was in now.

--

Billy and Max had made quick work of the pizzas we bought while I nibbled at one piece, taking as small of bites as possible to make it last.

"Not hungry, Cat?" Max asked, mouth full of crust.

"Maxine," Billy scolded, "don't talk with your mouth full." She poked her tongue out at him and he cocked an eyebrow at me, "you didn't eat many fries earlier either. You okay?"

I nodded taking a bigger bite of the pizza, "I'm fine, see?"

He frowned, holding my gaze sternly before looking back at Max, "alright, Shitbird. Where's your homework?"

Before they left, Billy pulled me aside and told Max to wait in the car. Gentle hands grabbed my arm, tugging me to the side of the door.

"Cat. Are you sure you're okay?"

I smiled, patted his cheek, "B, I'm okay."

He grabbed my wrist over my sweater, held it tight to his face, "would you tell me if you weren't? You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

I nodded, "I'm fine, B. Really-"

"Cat, you were drinking at school. That doesn't seem fine to me," his eyes were intense, voice dropping low, "I was thinking about it and I haven't seen you eating much. Is that why you passed out?"

My heart raced, not now, not like this, "B..."

"Billy? We should go!" Max called from the car.

He groaned, "finish this later?"

"Yeah," I breathed, "yeah, later."

He nodded, pressed his lips to my forehead, "I love you, Cat."

"I love you, B," I whispered, heart pounding in my throat.

@charmed-asylum @savagesuccubus @speedmetalqueen @elsie2018

[cyoza]

adrenaline; part four

Hello guys,

I've been suffering with a bit of writer's block which I'm sure is down to all the reading and lectures I've had to complete at uni but i am back on the grind (somewhat) so here we go!

It's kinda of a filler chapter to sort of moving it along for continuity but i felt it was important to have because I didn't want to be jumping all over the place. And I initially wanted this to be one chapter but it turned out to be way too long altogether (in my eyes for how uneventful it is) so I've just got some fact checking to do and I should be uploading another chapter tomorrow (hopefully) to move it along.

So that's it! Sorry for the long note but I thought some clarification would be good!

As always, show some love if you love. Thank you!

part one 

part two 

part three 

part five 

part six 

*******************************************************************************************

‘Tell us again, what happened?’

Jason gave Kory an exasperated sigh. He leaned back on the sofa in the living room and crossed his arms behind his head, looking every bit as tired as everyone felt. It had been about a week since the ordeal with Deathstroke. It seemed the event had triggered him back into hiding meaning that things had settled down on that front, at least for now. However, the same thing couldn’t be said for things back at the tower thanks to the new addition to the, as Dick had called it, ‘family.’

‘Like I said already, about a billion times. I was out for a walk and minding my own business. Next thing I know, I hear this lady screaming. So I go to check it out and some asshole is mugging her. Being Robin and all, I couldn’t not help her so I went to do just that. But then outta nowhere, mugger guy flies across the alley and Superboy here is standing in his place. He fights the guy and gets her purse back so problem solved and none of it is my business anymore. I go to walk away but then there’s gunshots and Superboy falls down so I call you guys and you know the story from there.’

Contrary to Jason’s words, this was only his third time relaying the tale, each time with a different group of people but hopefully this was last as everyone was present for the recounting. ‘Superboy’ as he’d so eloquently named him due to the dark Superman logo t-shirt he was wearing, lay in the infirmary with two bullet wounds and an infection none of them could identify. They were at a loss and it seemed like their patient was only getting worse which wasn’t at all helping the levels of tension in the tower. Everyone was growing more frustrated with not only the situation but with each other by the minute.

‘I don’t understand, we couldn’t even get a needle to pierce his skin so we could get his IV into him- how did he get shot?’ Dick mused, running a rough hand through his hair.

‘I don’t know man, I’m just telling you what I heard.’ Jason’s laidback position on the sofa stiffened, his eyes flashing like he was suddenly on guard. It was of no surprise to anyone that he was still on edge over what happened to him, being more reserved than ever and frequently disappearing for hours at a time to walk alone in the city. So it was almost predictable that something was going to happen with him. But, no one could have predicted that it was going to be this.

‘I know and I’m not trying to dispute what you’re saying. It just doesn’t make any sense.’ He exhaled a sharp breath, folding his arms.

The sudden high pitched screech of the security breach alarm reverberated around the room, capturing everyone’s attention. Dick reacted, first running to the intercom screen located at the front door to see a woman and what appeared to be a dog. Her body language didn’t seem dangerous but instead anxious, constantly moving her mousy hair back and shifting from one foot to the other.

‘Who are you? State your business.’ Dick spoke calmly but strongly; no matter how little of a threat she seemed, the protection of the team was paramount.

‘My name is Eve, I was brought here by my dog. I think you have my son Conner here. Please, let me in. I need to know if he’s okay.’

******************************************************************************************************

Conner Kent’s history was as big of a mindfuck as Kory’s. Yet everyone had adopted him with open arms anyway, another alien addition to the team - why not? And this was only made possible through Kory who had again saved another life. Unsurprisingly, she brushed it away as if it were nothing seeming to just add it to the tally of people alive thanks to her.

Still, Dick often wondered where they would all be without her. Definitely worse off than they were now.

In the few weeks since she had healed him, Kory and Conner had bonded in the ambiguity of their identity. Kory had told him on various occasions of how Conner reminded her of herself - being new to his powers, confused about his identity, unsure about his place on earth. But Dick had a feeling it went deeper than he knew, that they connected on a level that he was unaware of and he was lying if he said it didn’t fill him with a sick sense of insidious jealousy.

So there he sat in his office, thinking of that rather than the tactics of a possible Slade attack. He thought of all the times that he’d sought her out only to find her with Conner and have her brush him off to hang out with him. It was utterly ridiculous but he reminded him of everything Dick wished he was; he was soft and stable despite hardship, he didn’t have a shadow of darkness that clinging to him but instead existed on pure light - just like Kory.

It wouldn’t be so crazy to suggest that they would make a perfect fit.

He felt a particular spark of vexation when he remembered one specific evening where Kory had insisted they take the night off and had taken them to the sports bar on the corner of their street. He remembered how close Conner and her been together as he held her bag when she’d leaned over to take her shot. The striking red of her dress slipping away to show the alluring mahogany of her skin underneath, her hip pressing against his leg. He thought he was going to explode with anger and clock Conner right in the face but he held himself back on account of knowing how redundant that would be and the shitstorm he knew would cause after as a result. So he could do nothing but stew in his own futile anger until further notice.

‘Hey, how’s it going in here? How are the plans going?’

Kory sauntered into the room without knocking and settled herself on the edge of his desk, effectively obstructing his access to the keyboard of his computer. She flashed him a small smile as he looked up at her and he felt all the aggravation dissipate from his body, revelling in her proximity.

‘They’re going. I just hit a uh, mental snag.’ He admitted, not technically lying.

‘Well then, I guess, this might be a good a time as ever to do this then.’

‘Do what?’ Dick felt his heartbeat leap into a rapid pace, his mind conjuring multiple possibilities of what she could possibly say next; all of them awful.

‘Dick, look, uh listen, I have to go back to Tamaran.’

His blank expression had Kory’s heart sinking to her stomach. She hadn’t necessarily meant to catch him off guard but with the hurried pace of his blinking, she knew without a doubt that she had. She’d hoped with how absent she had been the past few weeks that he would notice her distance and either assume that was something was wrong and bring it up or at the very least be prepared for her to bring up a difficult conversation. But it didn’t seem as though either was happening.

‘Kory. what the fuck are you talking about? We need you here!’

‘You guys don’t need me, Dick, now that Connor’s here at least. It would be beneficial to have me but you don’t need me here.’ She let out and sad sigh and continued. ‘I have ordered some light therapy lamps with solar panels as the source. I researched them and they’re very good for something called Seasonal Affective Disorder but I figured they would help with Connor’s healing, on account of the solar energy. We’ve already tested it to know it’ll work so there’s nothing to worry about on that front.’

‘Oh Of course, super fantastic Conner, of course we can count on him to save the day! Come on, Kory! He’s just a kid!’ He scoffed.

‘What are you talking about? He’s not just a kid! Not to mention he has a multitude of powers and Slade doesn’t know about him. If anything he is your best bet at defeating him, especially with the way you’ve been training him these past couple of weeks.’

The more she spoke, the more Dick’s mouth flapped open and closed, clearly wanting to comment but knowing where to begin processing the information. The gradual scarlet highlight of his cheeks and ears let her know that this was going to be way harder than expected. So she continued speaking, hoping to get him breathing again and prevent whatever infarction was going to happen from his lack thereof.

‘Look, it would only be a maximum of a couple of weeks seeing as it doesn’t take very long to get to Tamaran from Earth, now my ship’s repaired. I’ll just go home and clear this whole situation up. Which shouldn’t be hard considering... I...am...royalty.’ Kory spoke the last word as if she didn’t at all want to, a hint of resentment coating it.

If she thought Dick’s reaction before was alarming, it had nothing on the spread of alabaster across his face at that moment .

‘Y-Wh-? Royalty? W-what you mean?’ He spluttered.

‘What else can you take from that? It is exactly what is says on the tin. I am Princess Koriand’r, next in line to the throne of Tamaran. So I need to go back and make sure that part of my past doesn’t come back to haunt us. Especially when we’re already in such a difficult position.’ Kory followed on but her reassurance seemed worthless because Dick looked on the verge keeling over.

‘Kory, I don’t like this. Please, please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me now. Don’t leave us now.’ He pleaded, leaning forward in his chair to grasp her thighs, desperation seeping through every cell of his being.

But Kory just clasped his head in her hands, pressing her lips to his quickly but gently before stroking her thumb across his jawline, a look of resolve on her face.

A look that said there was no changing her mind and he knew it.

Yet, there was a feeling of deep uneasiness in his stomach that if she left now, she wouldn’t come back to him. With his history, it was difficult to trust his gut instinct but this time, it felt so very real. The feeling of discomfort came with something deeper, not necessarily bad but definitely scarier. On some level he knew what it was and that he had felt it before a long time ago but he wasn’t prepared to address now, precisely when he could be losing her.

‘I’m sorry Dick.’ She whispered. ‘I have to do this. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and they could possibly die because of my actions -or lack there of- I can’t let that happen. I’m leaving in the morning and I’d really like it if you would say goodbye but I’d understand if you didn't.’

She let him go abruptly and stood towering over him, looking every bit the Princess she was. She gave him one last longing gaze before turning and Dick could do nothing but watch as she walked away from him, feeling his heart break a little more with every click of her heel.

As if she was stepping on his heart with each stride, cracking it further each time.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #223

“broken and sad, as the tarnish on your crown, nowhere to go but down.”

What’s your favorite chocolate in the valentine box? The one with fudge in the center. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. What’s a condition you have that you haven’t been officially diagnosed with? Do not ever self-diagnose, ever. There's a quote about this that I love: Something along the lines of, "Your five-minute Google search doesn't compare to my doctoral degree." Something like that. Anyway, everything I have has been professionally diagnosed, though my therapist and psychiatrist both know I question if my bipolarity is actually borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist doesn't see it, and my therapist says my level of self-awareness makes that highly unlikely. Idk though, a loooot of symptoms remind me of myself. What’s your favorite version of the Bible? None. Do you think pineapple belongs on pizza? Noooo. I hate sweet/savory combos. Which one of your parents do you think is smarter? My mom. My dad is smart in his own way, but if you're talking about textbook knowledge, yeah. My mom is smarter in that area. Which parent do you think you inherited your intelligence level from? I 120% got my total lack of common sense from Dad. Otherwise, Mom. Do you store your bike in a garage for the winter? I don't have a garage nor bike. What were your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Okay, do y'all remember those rainbow tarps you'd form a big dome out of? I loved that shit. Even though all we did was talk once inside, lol. I also loved those square roller things. You know, the ones that put your fingers at great risk. Would you rather wear a tunic top and jeggings or a crop top and high-waisted jeans? Okay so I'd fucking love to wear high-waisted jeans w/ a crop top if I had the body for it. Do you think hoodies look better oversized and long, or cropped? Oversized ones are the best. Have you ever had a professional make-over? No. Have you ever had a professional photo shoot? No. Did you ever want to be a model? Noooo. What’s your anti-depressant? Vraylar + Lamictal lmaooooo. Do you stretch or do yoga? Not anymore. List all of the colors of dresses you have worn to school dances. I only ever went to prom. My first was maroon, the second black. Did you enjoy school dances? Here's the tea: they're overhyped, at least for my personality. It's loud as hell so you can't hear each other talk, and the music's shit. I only went to his senior prom and mine for the novelty of it. What is something you want to be for Halloween? I am very legitimately considering be a handmaid from The Handmaid's Tale this year. Read that fucking book, it's one of the best I've ever read, and fucking terrifying as a woman. Who is your favorite parent? I love both for who they are. Do you have chronic pain? Only in my legs due to muscle atrophy that I'm recovering from now thanks to school. What is your favorite part of going to the dentist? My teeth feeling especially clean afterwards. Have you ever not been able to see the big E at the eye doctor? Ha ha, yes. My vision is godawful. What’s on your wish list right now? Just donate to my tattoo fund, lmao. What are you behind on? Politics. What did you get rid of that you wish you had kept? I wish I'd kept Jason and mine's last prom pictures, but literally just because now, I think I looked gorgeous. Does your hometown have bad memories attached to it? The Bloods gang seriously tried to break into the house while my sister and her friend were home alone as pre-teens, guess. Does it irritate you when someone has a dream but does nothing to work toward it? I mean, yes? I feel like everyone should care about that to some degree. Certainly not to an obsessive degree, it's not your life, but you should care that people work towards their aspirations. Do you find the concept of colorblindness fascinating? Yeah, sure. Which site have you been bullied on the most? I wouldn't say I was ever really bullied, but I guess the closest was on an old RP site from one particular person. Who do you wish loved you? A few people. Not necessarily romantically. Do you know anyone who has twin babies or toddlers? Yes. I actually think she has two pairs. If so, what are their names? Idr. I only know them loosely through dance. Would you ever want to have twins? FUCK no. Who has the cutest babies on your Facebook newsfeed? My acquaintance Anastasia literally has the prettiest daughter ever. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pink, duh. Or maroon. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COMPLICATED What’s a song lyric that you like? Korn came out with a new album, and my favorite song's lyrics include "God is making fun of me," and it's my favorite thing ever. Would you ever hitchhike? Why or why not? NOOOOOOO, I don't trust people. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? As a kid, I made a bird house one year. There was this backyard decorating show on Animal Planet when I was little, and on one episode, they made one out of an empty milk jug and leaves, so I duplicated that. What color is your stapler? Black. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. Have you ever been homeschooled? Towards the end of 8th grade, I was homebound. I was deeply depressed, and school didn't help. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. What was the last thing you were mad at a doctor about? I will forever and absolutely always despise my old doctor for putting and keeping me on a medication that resulted in me gaining around 150 pounds, and I wish I was fucking kidding, and blaming it on me the entire time. Where you live, is it possible to get sunburned&frostbitten in same week? HA, yeah. Do you ever turn your phone off because you don’t want to talk? No, I'll just ignore it. Do you like McDonald’s sweet tea? I hate sweet tea period. Do you like rap? Very little of it. Usually just some Eminem. Do you ever lay down and look at the stars? I haven't done that in a long time. Well, we weren't lying down, but rather sitting in chairs, but when Sara was here last summer, she, Mom, and I all sat outside one night making s'mores and having some drinks, and we looked up at the stars for quite a while. Don’t you hate when songs remind you of the person you’re trying to forget? There are a couple songs I physically can't listen to due to PTSD. Whose bed were you last in besides your own? Uhhh. I think my niece's, though I was just sitting on it. Who’s the last person you kissed? Sara. What’s your relationship with that person? We're really fucking gay for each other. Do you know how many people you’ve kissed? Three or four. I can't remember if I ever actually initiated a kiss with Girt or ever kissed him back, but I don't think so. Do you burn easily in the sun? Like toast on the whitest bread. Have you ever blacked out? I mean, I've fainted. Who do you hang out with the most? My mom lmao. Are you positive or negative? So in my FYS class (that is literally more like therapy), we very recently took an emotional intelligence test (it's like a scale that tells you your strengths and weaknesses in some major areas), and my optimism score was ABYSMALLY low. Like, as low as it could be. I've always called myself a realist, but this was a very detailed and professional test, so I'm taking my results into consideration. Do you believe life is fair? Ha ha, what a way to prove the last answer, but you couldn't possibly make me believe life is fair. It's chance and cause and effect. Have you ever bought a youtuber’s merch? LMAO YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'LL I'm too embarrassed to ask for "unusual" things. Do you have any embarrassing health issues? One or two. I am a Walking Health Issue. What are you longing for? I want Sara to live here so badly. Distance is getting hard. Who was your first roommate? Jason, Amanda, and Jacob. Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? I never lived in a dorm. Have you ever had a janitorial job? Omfg no. I'm a germaphobe. Have you ever worked in food service? Hell no. I can't deal with hungry people. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? I'm a chocolate bitch. What is your favorite type of donut? Depends on where it's from. Dunkin' Donuts, omlllll gimme a chocolate frosted (never with sprinkles, sprinkles are gross). Krispy Kreme, BITCH I will kill a glazed. What is the name of your favorite bakery? We don't go to any proper bakery. We just get stuff from the ones at grocery stores. What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? I don't go to Starbucks. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? For a certain holiday for Sara. I think it was Valentine's Day? Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? It's some hybrid font of both, but mostly cursive. What do you usually get for your birthday? Meerkat-related stuff. What is a childhood dream that hasn’t stuck with you? I wanted to be a vet. Who was your first favorite cartoon character? Uhhh. Probably Ash Ketchum (I FUCKING WROTE "KETCHUP") or Pikachu. Who is your favorite Disney princess? It was Ariel as a kid, now I don't particularly care, but probably Snow White. Do you like Coca Cola? Hell yeah. Do you like McDonald’s french fries? Are you even human if you don't? Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? My hair was dirty blonde as a kid, so I don't have a clue where that came from. It turned brown though, so I guess Mom, but hers is way darker than mine. What are some other names your parents’ considered when naming you? The only one I remember is Kathryn. Who was the last person you know who had a baby? Uhhh I think it was one of my high school friends. …And what was the baby’s name? Jaspen. If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? Alessandra is NOT up for debate (if I wanted kids, anyway) lol, and Damien. What color is your dresser? Brown. Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? WOW no that would be mighty depressing. Is your hair long or short? Short. …and which way do you like it best? I CANNOT believe I didn't go short earlier. Do you have a problem with needles? Nah. Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No, thankfully. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Also thankfully no. If applicable, what color are your glasses? Black. Do you like the name Addison? Yeah, it's cute. Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from your closet? No. At least, not a *real* costume. I've just dressed particularly dark before. Have you ever gotten sick in the car? No. Do you enjoy editing photos? I do. Have you ever called the wrong number? Yep, oops. Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? Truth. I never pick "dare," actually. Do you like kissing? I mean yeah, if I love the person. Which Internet browser do you use? Chrome. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? A couple weeks ago I finished The Handmaid's Tale for school. How many times have you had sex within the past two years? Guesstimate? A big 'ole zero lmao. Has your boyfriend or girlfriend ever cheated on you? Were you mad or sad? No. Are you a superstitious person? Have you ever been superstitious before? No. When was the last time your area had a tornado warning, if ever? A few months ago. Have you ever had one of those major fights with your current bf/gf? When we were younger and unstable friends. Do you think road kill is gross? I think it's sad more than anything, but I mean yeah, it can be. But considering a personal project of mine is photographing roadkill to depict the brutality and sadness of it, it obviously doesn't gross me out all that much. Is it obvious when people hurt your feelings? I think so. How many teeth do you have? The normal amount. Have you ever lived outside of America? No. Do you get allowance? I'm 23, I obviously don't now, but I never have. Do you pop your pimples? Yeah, oops. Who did you last dance with? Sara. Have you ever wanted to kill someone? I think so. I wasn't going to like, actively pursue that, but I wanted her dead. Have you ever had braces? Yep. When you get married, do you want to keep your last name? No, please take it away. Do you shave your pubic hair? No. I'll obvious trim/shave along my upper legs in I'm going to wear a bathing suit or something, though. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life? Thank fucking god no. Do you have to plug your nose while swimming under water? Yep. I have zero clue how people stop water from going up their nose, even if they don't breathe through it. Do you like soft or hard pillows? s o f t What’s the last thing your parents bought you? Mom bought food, Dad bought me my laptopl. Do you know anyone who committed suicide? I'm 99% sure a pre-teen online friend did. I know some people loosely. When was the last time you cried out in pain? That's probably a TMI from having IBS. What do you say when you answer the phone? "Hello?" Do you ever get the feeling you don't belong? Belong where? I need specifics. Are you a timid person? Incredibly. Ever been in love with two people at the same time? No. Ever vomited because you were in shock? No. Do you think the world is a nice place or a horrible place? It's a hybrid of those. Ever had a rumor spread about you? The only one I knew of was one Jason's ex started in high school, that being that we had a baby. Despite the fact I was obviously never pregnant. If you found out you were pregnant how would you react? I'd be fucking terrified and incredibly confused because that's physically impossible. Have you ever been dumped by text? Did it hurt? More like over Facebook Messenger, and fuck yes it hurt considering I was literally madly in love with him and we'd been in a serious relationship for three and a half years. In your opinion what would be the worst possible way to dump someone? See above. (: How do you take out your anger? 99% of the time, cry. Have you ever snuck out of your house? No. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on a dare? Idk. I never did crazy dares. Have you ever cussed someone out? Yes. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Idk. My dad never really punished us, but rather Mom. I would say the time I texted her back "fuck you," but I was an adult by this point so she couldn't really do anything, but I do noooot want to imagine how she would've reacted if we were physically together. When she picked me up, she was furious, but I think she was more shocked I actually said that than anything. I don't remember that night much, surprisingly, considering I tend to remember awful days like that. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. Have you ever had a friend-with-benefits? No. Have you ever spread a nasty rumor about someone? No. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Have you ever been physically abused? Thank God, luck, Heaven, or whatever, no. What’s something you really regret saying to someone? I think more than anything, the time I sent something along the lines of "thanks for sending me to the hospital again" to Jason before I went to the ER for the bajillionth time. Doesn't matter if it was the first, fifth, or thousandth time, that was fucking evil and could've seriously hurt him. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? Uhhhh I don't think so, at least. Do you have a lot of secrets? It depends on who is involved. Mostly though, no. Does it take a lot to make you feel guilty? I don't know, actually. Have you ever broken a really important promise? I don't think so. Have you ever gone out with a best friend’s ex? More like mutually flirted with her boyfriend behind her back until he left her for me when I was 12. Fucking disgusting. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever cheated on a test? I actually don't think I ever have. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. I'm honestly very trustworthy with secrets. Have you ever gotten in a fist fight? No. Have you ever done something bad JUST because you knew you shouldn’t? Maybe as a kid? I don't think so? Have you ever purposely hurt yourself? Yeah. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don't think so? Have you ever copied someone else’s homework? Again I don't believe so. Possibly once, idr. Have you ever kissed someone the same day you met them? No. What’s under your bed? A box of art stuff. Have you ever you shoplifted? No. What do you want more than anything else? Happiness. Have you ever tried coconut water? I have not. How many online accounts do you have? Or have you lost count? Holy fuck, there's no telling. Who was your first love? Jason. Are you the type to hold grudges? Definitely not. What was the last video game you played? I actually have World of Warcraft open right now, but that's a computer game; does that count? If not, uhhh. It's been a long while... I think maybe The Legend of Spyro: Dawn of the Dragon. What’s your favorite flavor of vitamin water? Never tried vitamin water. Are there any bands/artists that get you all emotional? Ozzy Osbourne makes me so nostalgic. His music is so important to me. Have you ever been to a convention? (comic, Youtube, etc.) No, but bitch try to stop me from going to PAX East one day to hug God and cry for two hours in joy. What brand are most of the electronics in your household? I don't think we have a consistent brand for our electronics. It depends on what the thing is. What’s your favorite aunt or uncle’s first name? I can't remember my favorite aunt's name, but the only uncle I know well is Rob. He's hilarious. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Who was the last person you invited into your home? Sara. Are you of legal drinking age in the country you live in? Yes. How old were your parents when they got engaged? I have no clue. Early 30s? Are your parents still together? Hell no. What flavor was the last ice cream you ate? Chocolate. Are you health conscious? To a degree. Have you ever done a first aid course? No. If so, would you be prepared to perform CPR if necessary? N/A Are there any songs that get stuck in your head very easily? A lot. Who was the last person to text you? Sara. If you found out you couldn’t have children, would you adopt? I'd be fucking ecstatic if I found out I was infertile, especially with how terrified and paranoid I am about being raped. I don't want kids, ever. Would you go back to your most recent ex? No; I don't like him like that. Do you remember the show Bananas in Pajamas? I don't, but I know my older sister was obsessed. If you could know how, when, and where you’ll die, would you want to know? Hell no. Are you really excited for anything? I'm probably going up to Sara's for her birthday and Christmas and I CANNOT wait. Have you ever eaten any type of insect? Not intentionally? I think a gnat or something flew into my throat once, but idk. I've certainly never tried to. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met? Nobody lmao. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes indeed.

[thejackal64]

Star vs The Forces of Evil: Hidden Truth | Chapter 8: The Hunt

The boy scurried frantically around the floor, knocking over small tables in his panic. It was midnight, the moon shone furiously outside, the stars gleaming bright. But the boy saw none of this. He was focused on one thing and one thing only. To run.

His feet scampered across the floor, left after right. Sweat flicked down his neck as he attempted to escape the terror that was prowling. Searching. Hunting.

He stopped. A dead end it seemed, a tapestry (thankfully a normal, non royal one) covered the wall. A sinister voice could be heard, creeping up on him from behind, threatening to swallow him up.

"Maaaarcoooo, where aaaare youuuu? I just want to playyyyy!"

Marco’s face paled. How had everything gone so wrong?

16 hours ago

Star shot up from her bed as she stared up at the bookshelf in front of her, wondering if she could just lie there and die alone. After a few minutes of just sitting there, blank faced, she turned to her alarm clock.

8:00

“Oh no.”

The frantic Princess ran straight into her wardrobe, hurriedly searching for her clothes. How had nobody woken her up?!

Right as she pulled her stockings up, her door snapped itself open to reveal a startled Queen Moon.

“Star? You’re awake?”

Star tried to grin at her mother as she fastened up her boots. "Yes yes yes, oh my gosh, I’m going to be late for-”

She became rigid, her mind working out her situation.

“Oh. That’s right, no school, I’m on Mewni. No training with Glossaryck either, it’s a Flacks day.”

Star calmed down considerably, but an aching feeling still shivered down her spine. Why was she so nervous, like everything was going to explode?

Her mother eyed her candidly, ”Well, while you’re here, I was going to wake you up for breakfast, but I suppose you’ve done that yourself.”

Star groaned as she pulled herself out the door, intent on getting to the royal dining room before her mom. What a start to a day.

Star and her mother made their way over to a large rectangular table, decorated in an elegant buffet of Mewnian cuisine, where the rest of the castle’s inhabitants waited.

Moon and River’s seat were at the very front, Marco sat to River’s right, and Janna two seats from Moon. Star meticulously sat down next to Marco, her brain pounding her with incessant headaches. It was so bad in fact, that Star almost didn’t notice Marco’s instant recoil as Star sat next to him, like someone placed a viper on his nose. Almost. Since their adventure in the tapestry room, both had been a bit distant, although not by choice.

“Oh- ugh- Hi Star.” The welcome rolled out of his tongue like sandpaper. The boy didn’t expect Star to sit next to him, although he really should have, as they were supposed to be ‘best friends. Star stared at Marco for what was really seconds, but felt like hours.

“Hi there Marco.” She emoted with an artificial excitement in her voice. Sweat kept running down Marco’s face. This wasn’t the first time they’d eaten next to each other but it nevertheless felt like a first.

The countless servants walked up and down the hallway, serving each diner a beautiful looking meal (mostly corn related). Marco always asked for a normal Earth breakfast in fear of not liking mewnian food, and therefore offending his hosts. Janna, on the other hand, would always ask for something new, really enjoying her stay in the foreign kingdom. The Royal Family, of course, would pick their favorite corn dishes.

“B-bon Appetit…” Marco awkwardly stuttered. Everyone, who already had their mouths full, mumbled in response. “Right…”

The boy took a bite of the average looking meal he was given. The room went relatively silent.

A couple minutes passed. Marco, trying to focus on his food and only his food, noticed Star on the corner of his eye. He looked down, back at his food, before snapping back to his side to make sure if she was still staring. She was. He glanced up at Janna for help. Janna, who had finished her meal, was staring at the both of them with awe.

“So, Star.” Janna catches her attention. The Princess looked over at Janna, with a dead look in her eyes. “Isn’t Marco looking great this morning?” A chuckle escaped her mouth as she anticipated the mayhem she hoped to cause. A pink tint painted her face. Her eyes shifted around the room before resting at Marco, who was covering his face with his hands.

“Uhh - Well…. Pfft, I mean, he looks fine for just getting out of bed…” Star flustered, her arms flailing with sweat. “I guess!” Forced laughter echoed around the room as Star winced at her response. Marco, trying his hardest to not be seen, let out an embarrassed moan.

“I mean, he’s looking pretty handsome today, don’t you think?” Janna teased back. Marco head snapped upward to face Janna. He stared at her in pure distress and then over at Star in the same way. Star was burning red, she didn’t know how to answer to that…. That question! Her eyes wandered around the room, her head as well. Janna still stared silently with a cocky smirk plastered on her face. Marco was waiting to see Star’s response, staring at her with a face of pure distress and embarrassment.

“Uhm - uhhh…” The flustered princess was interrupted by her Mother, “Let them eat in peace Janna.”

Star and Marco let out a sigh of relief, while Janna let out one of disappointment. “Ugh, fine.”

“Alright then…” River stood up as he took hold of all of the leftovers scattered around the table. “I think we’re done with breakfast.”

“Thank Mewni!”

“Gracia a dios!” Star and Marco said in unison as they stood up from their seats. Everyone stalked away, Star and Marco hanging by each other, although not as close as they were before.

The two had made it all the way outside to the Royal Gardens. A long time ago, the Gardens were huge and imposing, filled with an expansive hedge maze for aristocrats to play around in. After the War with Toffee, the Gardens became much smaller, the young Queen Moon seeing them as ‘an unnecessary accessory’.

Star sat down in a pile of leaves, scrunching about in a most unladylike fashion. Marco remained standing, awkwardly picking his thumbs.

The Princess finally broke the silence that had been following them around like a nasty storm, “Sorry about what Janna said… I know you don’t feel the same way I do - I mean, ugh….. It must have been… Hard?” The Princess fidgeted with her dress. “Ugh. What am I saying?”

Marco coughed, ”Oh! Yeah….”

She sighed, her palm stroking her heart. She gulped, a headache pulsing through her body. Everything was spinning…..

“Star? You okay?” Marco shook Star’s shoulders, leaning in to see her face.

Suddenly, Star whisked around tackled Marco, wincing at her disordered mind. “Ugh… Star, what was that for?’

“Er….. Um, I don’t know? I don’t feel so good…. Can you help me?”, Star said the last question with a whimsical tone, her voice growing in emotion.

“Sure….?” Marco stared at her, his mind buzzing with questions. All were silenced as Star’s face slowly curved into a smile for the first time in the day. Unfortunately, the full front of smile was on Marco, who was starting to get nervous, ”Uh…. Star, are you okay?”

"I dunno, Marco." Star sighed.

Marco took a grip on the vulnerable looking princess's hand. He pulled upwards, trying to get Star back on her feet. A harsh thug is heard as the two teens trip over themselves. Star laid over the Latino's chest, and Marco over the gushing green grass. They were close, couple inches away. They could feel each other's breath. Both were burning red and avoided eye contact, one with a frown and the other with a dopey smile.

"C-can you, uhm... get off of – on top of me?" He mumbled under his breath. Although the boy's words could barely be considered a whisper, their proximity made sure that Star could hear every awkward mumble.

She catches his eyes. A sinister looking smirk stretched across her face.

"I don't know, can I?" An uncharacteristically sarcastic tone rang through Marco's ears.

"Come on Star, not now!"

"I-I, er, S-Star, I-I don't w-want to- p-please not now..." He whispered, yet Star ignored his plea.

Star pulled herself closer. Fear ran down Marco's spine.

"STAR!" The yell scared off the enthusiastic girl.

Marco lifted himself up from the rough terrain, brushing off dirt and grass from his back. He made his way back to a small hill of leaves and sat down.

Star stares at Marco. He was still blushing, he seemed to have wanted to be alone but Star didn't seem to get that.

After a couple of seconds of staring, she made her way next to him.

Star crouched pretty close next to Marco. Both teens shared a silence. Marco peeked out of his shell of shame towards Star who was chuckling to herself.

"I'm sorry Marco." The chuckle slowly turned into a small burst of laughter, "I guess, I always run from my problems, decided that I would chase it for once."

"I-It's- it's okay, just uhmm, just don't do that again, y'know me and uhmm, you know..." The boy continued, his statements turning the princess's laugh, into a frown.

"Jackie! I know you and Jackie are... together." She stared at Marco who was still awkwardly rambling to himself.

She groaned, frustration blinding her judgment.

"I-I mean, I shouldn't... I know I shouldn't." Her frowns turned into blinding anger and frustration.

Star grabbed Marco's hoodie by the neck. The boy was yanked towards Star, silencing his mumbles in an instant.  The millions of questions and thoughts that he'd been hiding since that day with the tapestries came flooding back.

"Star, what are you doing!  Why are you doing this to me! WHY STAR!" A brush of anger painted over Marco, as he flung over to the princess. "I'm happy, DAMMIT! I-I don't need this!" Marco's thoughts turned into unintelligible ramblings. "Estoy feliz, estoy feliz, I'm happy... I'M HAPPY! I have Jackie, Star, she knows that, she does."

A cold feeling sank his heart. He snapped his eyes open. In front of him, he could see the silhouette of his best friend's face pressed against his. They were centimeters away, their lips a nudge away from a kiss, they're cold breaths bouncing off each other,[PH3]  locked in a dance of icy cold regret and burning passion. Marco couldn't help but feel enthralled. The passion he felt emitted his body like the shining sun, and Star couldn't help but notice. He pushed the passion of the proximity aside, leaving nothing but regret to fill the interaction. Star didn't seem to mind, she didn't think her friend was going to stay this long, although he was most likely paralyzed in shock. Star gripped harder at the boy's collar, letting the primal instinct of the event take over her train of thought.

Marco snapped back from his state of shock. He pats his chest in an attempt to find the rebellious hand tugging at his collar. After a second of the teens being paralyzed in place, Marco finds Star's hand, the once strong grip fizzled out at the boy's touch, letting Marco push it away.

Marco places both of his arms to Star's shoulders. His arm tenses up, a gulp passes through his throat as he opens his eyes to look at Star's face.

The contact filled Star's mind with hope, hope that it could happen. She didn't ignore the breath of passion that left her best friends mouth earlier. Her cheek marks glowed a dark red color, her heart beat at what seemed like a thousand beats per seconds as the boy closes his eyes once more.

Their proximity is made larger by a violent shove.

Star fell towards the collection of leaves they were under. After a second of silence. Star gazed over at Marco. His arms extended forward, his face one of guilt.

Both teens stared intently at each other. Marco had sweat running down his face, and a look of pure disdain at Star. He was yelling at her, he knew that much, but the exact words were leaving his memory quickly.

He was still in shock, surprised that the interaction even happened. He knew, that Star knew that what she did wasn't right, but he also knew that it wasn't his heart that pushed her away. A rush of confusing emotions clouded his mind. The stare between the two had lasted a few seconds at this point. He stood up from the cushion of leaves, put his hoodie over his head, and briskly ran off.

He thought he could hear some faint yelling coming from Star, but he wasn't in a state to talk to her. "She should know this... why would she do something so stupid!"

A couple hours later

After spending all day trying to avoid Star, Marco made his way to his room. By now, the sun was about to fall over the zenith. Noon was just over, but Marco already felt tired enough to sleep.

9:00 PM

Star pranced onto her bed, growing to herself about how much of an idiot she was. Unfortunately, all she could think about now was her growing headaches.

She stared up at the ceiling of her room, and then to her window. It was almost night time.

"Welp." She muttered, pulling her pillow on her head. "I guess I'll apologize tomorrow."

Her headache began to grow, and with it a strange fever. Everything was going dark...

Her eyes shot up, bursting with black light, deformed into hearts. Huge, blackened wings sprouted from her backside, extra limbs growing in toe. It was complete.

She was going to get that kiss.

Midnight

Marco Diaz thrashed around in his bed, sleepless, his mind still contemplating Star. After a few minutes of self-recollection, he finally decided he would apologize. "I don't deserve a friend like Star..." He mumbled as he got out of bed.

As soon as he made his way to Star's room, he could see that something was off. A bright purple serenade cascaded from her door, and familiar vines sprouted from the gaps. Marco opened the door cautiously.

"S-Star? Are you okay in-"

Marco flinched in recoil. Before him was a very familiar beast. In a way, it was strangely beautiful, with purple hair splayed all over, and bright violet hearts for eyes. She stared at him with what one could only describe as..... Longing?

Marco spoke cautiously. "Star.... You're, you're not going to do this, right?"

In response, he got a web flung onto his face, all black and goopy. At that moment, both Star and Marco ran out the door, although for obviously different reasons.

The boy scurried frantically around the floor, knocking over small tables in his panic. It was midnight, the moon shone furiously outside, the stars gleaming bright. But the boy saw none of this. He was focused on one thing and one thing only. To run.

His feet scampered across the floor, left after right. Sweat flicked down his neck as he attempted to escape the terror that was prowling. Searching. Hunting.

He stopped. A dead end it seemed, a tapestry (thankfully a normal, non royal one) covered the wall. A sinister voice could be heard, creeping up on him from behind, threatening to swallow him up.

"Maaaarcoooo, where aaaare youuuu? I just want to playyyyy!"

Marco’s face paled. How had everything gone so wrong?

Marco sees an opening to escapes to his right, and takes swift advantage of it.

The boy slammed opens two large doors, hitting two non-attendant guards. "Everyone run, crazy bug princess on the loose!" He yelled, sliding down the hallways. No one seemed to hear him. The flying princess crashed into several objects in an attempt to stable her flight. As he kept running through the never-ending hallways, he was pulled into a room by Janna. Star flew past them.

"What's going on?" Janna asked in a curious tone.

"Well, IwaswithStarandthenshedidn'tfeelwellandso-" He rambled

"Calm down Diaz!" She slapped him back to reality.

"Right...right..." He calmed his agitated rambling. "You know when Star wrecked the whole school?"

Janna nodded.

"Well, it's happening again." He pointed down a hallway leading to the kitchen, where Star was seen flying through, causing havoc to the many chefs.

Janna looked over, "Oh..." Janna stared at her flying friend, "… Well, how did you stop it last time?"

"I just waited it out."

"Okay then, I guess we'll just wait it out."

"I'd rather not hole up in the castle while Star's just rampaging about!" Marco said frustrated. "Why is she still looking for me?! Last time she would take what she could get!" He snapped back, kind of regretting how his statement made his best friend look.

Janna looked over at Marco, eyebrow raised, "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Janna once more looked over at the door, Star hadn't found them yet, she was still lost in the maze that was the castle's hallways. It seemed like the time on Earth did a number on her memory. Janna looked back at Marco who was now curled up in a corner.

"No, I don't." He whispered to himself.

Janna had an all too familiar smirk plastered on her face. She dropped to the floor about a foot in front of Marco.

"Why don't we use this time for some therapy?" She suggested.

"Therapy?" The Hispanic boy looked up with confusion.

"Yeah therapy! Y'know, you therapy, I therapy, we all therapy." Janna responded in a cocky tone. Marco, now even more confused, went to ask her again but was cut off.

"Okay, let's get started." She began, "First question, how does this make you feel?"

Marco looked out at the hallway, making sure that the flying bug goddess wasn't going to swoop him up. He looked back at Janna, "Umm, well, scared for my life, I guess, what are you trying to do with this?"

"Eh. Eh. Eh. I'm the one asking the questions here." She chuckled to herself.

Marco let out an annoyed sigh.

"Okay then, what did you and Star do throughout the day?" Janna responded.

"Uhm, well after the stunt you pulled at breakfast, we-we went outside, and, uhmm, talked, pretty uneventful really." He nervously stuttered.

"Mm-hm." She sarcastically hummed. "Well, that's not what I saw."

"What do you mean, "you saw"!?" He yelled in a scared tone.

She laughed to herself, "What did I say about questions?". She continued to chuckle at the distraught Marco.

"Well, well, well, this has taken an interesting turn of events, this therapy session." She teased in her signature cocky nature.

Marco stared intently. "What I saw, was a bit more, how do I say this, intimate." She gazed up at Marco. "Maybe these picture will remind you." She reached for her pocket, bursts of strangely cold laughter interrupting the moment. The light of the screen hit Marco hard. It showed a distant photo of what looked like Star and Marco kissing, Marco's arms resting on her shoulder.

"WHAT THE...!?" A nervous chill went down his spine. "It-it's not what it looks like!"

She chuckled to herself, "That's the beauty of it, it doesn't have to be what it seems, cause what it looks like is what matters." The girl's words pierced his ears fiercely, she was right, it didn't matter what actually happened.

"Now, you explain to me what's happening in this here photo, or you'll have to explain it to your dear girlfriend." She made a threatening motion over the phone, threatening to push the button.

"Fine, fine! Just drop the phone, okay?" He yelled back involuntarily.

Janna, an evil smirk still stretched along her face, lifted up her arms, letting the phone drop onto the floor.

Marco sighed in relief, resting his hands on the wall.

"Me and, well, me and Star didn't- we didn't kiss, okay..." Janna nodded in anticipation, "We, okay so Star grabbed me by the collar and pulled me in, and well, I mean, I guess she probably wanted to kiss me." He tried as hard as he could to not make eye contact.

"Maybe?! You two were so close that it looked like you WERE kissing!" She nagged at the embarrassed Marco.

"I get it Janna! Point is that I didn't kiss her, I was pushing her away!" He snapped back

The ruckus Star was making outside filled the room as Marco kept silent as Janna chuckled to herself.

"Ugh... Janna, should I... should I still tell Jackie what happened? That's what a good boyfriend would do, right?"

Janna glared at him with surprisingly hostile eyes, "Sure. Do whatever you want, not that I would be any help."

Before Marco could question her, he heard a booming sound erupt into the room. The wall Marco rested on combusted as both of the human teens were knocked away.

Star had found them, or him to be more exact.

At the same time, another pair of yells could be heard.

“MARCO! JANNA!”

It was the Queen!

“Are we having a party I didn’t know about?”

And River.

Star smiled at Marco with a carnivorous malice. But before she could do anything, Queen Moon jumped into the scene. She pushed Star back with one magic blast, and rushed to evacuate the frightened teens.

“Marco!” The Queen shouted, locking themselves into the Med Bay. “What. Is. Happening? The Servants ran into my bedroom and told me that you told everyone that Star’s going through Mewberty again.”

Marco looked on in fear, ”Uh… I don’t know! It just sort of happened!”

Moon sighed, tapping her feet to the ground, ”Well….. We’ll have to restrain her before we can do anything. Guards!”

A multitude of soldiers flooded the halls, attempting to surround Star. But a dark purple light began to emanate from the Princess. A giant explosion destroyed the desolate room.

Star floated around the rubble in an attempt to find Marco; after a couple minutes of looking she gave up and moved on to another room. After Star was surely gone, the King, Queen, and the two teens reappeared. Moon, who had her arms extended to the sides, collapsed in a fit of panting and sweat. River kneeled down next to her and patted her on the back, “Nice obscuring spell, dear.” Moon quickly nodded in response.

After a couple of seconds of composing herself, Moon stood back up.

“Okay, so Mewberty relapses are normally a symptom of a disease, it’s too early to say which, but it isn’t too late to cure it.” The Queen groaned, “Ugh! The remedy! I don’t know the ingredients! It said it in the book… the now destroyed book… It involved corn……...and some……..maybe some of…….no that’s not right….”

She continued to mumble to herself, getting more agitated by the second. After a few moments, River stepped up next to her, “Calm down now, dear, here maybe this piece of corn will ease your sorrow.” River pulled out a corncob that he seemed to be saving in his pocket.

“Uhmm, thank you River…” Moon seemed calmer, or at least less stressed.

Janna walked over to the Queen and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hmm, oh, Janna, what is it?” Moon asked in a relatively gentle tone.

An all too familiar grin welcomed the queen. “Just thought that this might be a valuable asset to fixing this situation.”

Marco saw from where he was standing. Janna was handing Moon the cellphone she had dropped earlier. “She salvaged that from the rubble? She must really love that phone...” He thought. The rubble of the scenery stabbed at his feet. “Oh, I wonder what she’s showing them…” After a second or two, the thought popped to his head, Moon looked over at the earthling visitor with spiteful eyes. “OH NO!”

Marco cowered in his feet as the Queen of Mewni walked over to him with an aggressive clutch on Janna’s phone. Janna stifled a grin as Moon stretched her arm forward, giving Marco a suspicious face.

“Care to explain this to me?” The Queen’s voice was surprisingly calm. But it was the kind of calm that occurred before a storm. Marco was trying his best to keep his composure.

“It’s not what it looks like.” He emulated a calm expression although he couldn’t be more embarrassed or scared.

“Really? Well then explain to me, how does it look like?” Moon responded unexpectedly furious.

“We were, uhm, talking.” He tried to smile, but it came out crooked.

“Do you take me for a fool?!” Moon’s calmness was gone.

Marco originally wanted to respond, but he decided to remain silent; no imaginable answer could possibly ease the situation. He was standing against an enraged mother which thought her daughter needs protecting. And there is no greater force in the whole universe which could stand against that and survive.

Two voices argued inside his head. One spoke from the heart, the other from the mind, but damned was Marco if he could tell them apart.

‘That kiss, I wish it would have never happened!’ One began, its voice echoing around his head the loudest.

‘No you don’t…’ a voice answered back. ‘Don’t lie to yourself, you felt it and she knows you felt it…” Marco tried the hardest to shake off these irrational words out of his head to no avail. ‘That proximity, it made you feel something, you saw it didn’t you, how you saw her, as more…’

‘STOP!’ An angry voice answered back. ‘None of this would have happened if this -if she hadn’t been so STUPID!’

‘WHAT DOES SHE EVEN SEE IN ME!’

Both voices fizzled out as Marco focused once more on the situation on hand.

The room stayed silent.

Seeing Marco’s struggle to answer, Moon let out a heavy sigh. “Well, it’s not like something inappropriate has happened, right Marco?” She started walking off but momentarily looked back at Marco.

He quickly nodded with his head as a sign of agreement.

She scanned back at the part of the castle still intact. Expertly, she spotted the flying Star, still looking for her earthling prey. “So it’s obvious that this relapse isn’t part of a disease, but instead some kind of emotional stress…”

Everyone in the room impaled him with a suspicious stare. Except for Janna; she was having a blast.

“What? I pushed her away! I didn’t want- It was sudden- I didn’t mean-” The boy kept stuttering one sentence after another.

“Calm down boy.” River patted Marco on his shoulder. “I understand you: You were living together for almost a year, fought monsters, had adventures… So you grew closer. I mean, if it was me and Moon, I know I would,” he smiled.

“River!” Moon facepalmed.

“But we will talk about this later, my boy.”

Marco was so nervous he wasn’t able to respond with anything.

“So we need to think of a plan.” Moon continued. ”Perhaps…. There is a way to help Star. If you go to her and…. Well, ‘Give her what she wants’, we might be able to get her back to normal.”

Marco froze, words about to come out of his mouth. ”Me? Wha-Why, I mean, I know why… but you guys know, I-I can’t.”

“Look Marco.” The Queen was visibly annoyed, ”We don’t have many options here.”

"B-But..." Marco was stalling, she knew that he didn’t have any other choice...

"She won't stop otherwise, Marco. That is not the Star we know, it’s just... basic impulses. You can't reason with it, you can't talk to it."

"B-But that would..."

…and he didn’t mind.

"Indeed, it would." It was apparent that Moon wasn't exactly thrilled about this idea either.

“Well at the very least, be honest with her, for once!” Janna snapped, her feet stamping on the floor.

“Uh oh,” River grumbled, realizing what was happening. “Marco has to kiiiiiss her, ho ho ho, didn’t get that at first.

Moon let out a short sigh. “We don’t have a choice, Marco.”

Marco stared at the floor, “I know…”

“God dammit… what am I doing, am I really doing this…”

A pale blue barrier was showing around them, being warped and twisted by magic.

“My obscuring spell….” Moon mused, ”It shouldn’t be visible…. Unless….”

There she was - Marco’s eyes darted to the right, where Star was pounding on the barrier, viciously trying to tear it apart.

“Star!” Marco cried, pointing at her shape. ”There, she’s there!”

As Moon started to freak out and repaired her barrier, Marco started contemplating what Janna had said. “Be honest with her”. Really?! It had been Star who hadn’t been honest with him, not the other way around. Until apparently very recently, he had been very clear with his emotions.

“I love Jackie.”

“End of picture.”

Except…. Now he couldn’t. If he wanted to help Star, at least.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling, the feeling of excitement at the idea of what was going to happen…

Star retreated back to think up some kind of plan to get inside. The thought process was quickly proven to be for naught.

Marco stepped calmly outside the barrier and stood in the crumbled hallway. Instantly, Star flung her head to his direction, looking pleased, and also somewhat confused. Star raced towards him.

As she raced through the clustered halls, Marco’s arms sprung open, leading Star into a trap she was okay with being trapped in. Marco smothered her in his arms. She was startled, but also grinning, pulling Marco closer into the embrace.

“You know Star, you probably won’t remember this…you might think this is all a dream... which is a bit cruel…” Marco looked down at the pleased princess. “... And I can’t assure my safety if this doesn’t work or that we can stay friends… God I hope you don’t remember any of this…” he chuckled to himself. “...  So much for being the safe kid, right Star?”

Star shuffled her way to a standing position, making sure to not break off from the embrace. “Maaaarcooooooo…” she whispered.

“Yes Star?” Marco calmly responded. He had accepted his fate, a fate that he couldn’t say with one hundred percent confidence he disliked. Star wrapped her many arms around the boy, and encased him in many heart pellets.

“Maaaaarcoooooo…” A rebellious hand of hers tucked on Marco’s collar.

Marco was lurked forward. Now with his head placed slightly below Star’s, he mumbled in a playful, even teasing tone. “That’s what I thought…”

Marco couldn’t move his arms or legs, he was a toy for Star to play with. Marco still trusted his friend, trusted her enough to not end up killing him at least. He couldn’t deny the strength difference between them as Star lifted his neck back to eye level in what felt like an instance.

“Jesus Christ… Why did I agree to this…”

Star pulled herself towards him, she stopped centimeters away from his lips. She scanned Marco’s face. He looked right into Star’s eyes in a semi annoyed manner, but he couldn’t help but be bright red.

Marco let out a relatively desolate sigh, his hot breath showering Star’s face.

“I find it worrying that this isn’t an unusual sight…” Marco complained.

It seemed like he was going to continue his sentiments, but was cut short by a swift push from Star. Their lips touched.

Marco first looked in shock, eyes wide open staring at the bug princess in distress and disgust. But after a second or two an air of comfort set in. He cautiously closed his eyes waiting for the moment to pass.

His heart kept beating faster and faster. A familiar feeling of dread and uncertainty fell over the boy. It was painful being this close to her, it was painful not finding the will to push her away or retreat, of not finding it hard to enjoy. Star pulled Marco closer. Marco’s heart beat the hardest it ever had… and that was scary. He’d never been this vulnerable even when he was with his girlfriend, but he couldn’t think of her in this moment.

“Oh god, look what I’ve done...” Marco thought to himself. “How could I let this happen?”

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t want this to happen Diaz!” A voice yelled inside his head.

“Wh-what? No! I’m doing this to help Star!” Another responded.

“Really now? Is that the same reason you abandoned your girlfriend to stay with Star!?”

“Jackie? I didn’t abandon Jackie!... I just- I, uhm, I just…”

“Keep telling yourself that…”

Star’s cheek marks glowed as bright as the sun.

After a sudden gasp from Star, Marco could feel a convulsion from her. She crumbled to the floor, her body shuddering with a blinding golden light. At last, her true Butterfly Form could be seen, the same Marco had gazed upon before.

The goddess looking creature refused to let go of the boy until she left, and leave she did.

As her extra limbs finally retreated back, she fell down, a crumpled rag doll on the ceramic of the castle. Marco went swiftly to check on her, but Moon got to her first.

“She’s fine.” The Queen clarified. ”Just sleeping.”

“Let’s hope this won’t happen again. With the Silver Bell Ball around the corner we can’t afford another incident. Marco, whatever that you have between you two, resolve it.” Moon sighed, kicking a loose pebble. “Solaria, this Silver Bell Ball is going to be the death of me.” Janna glanced over at Marco, and so did Moon, oddly. Marco stood flustered, his body trembling. After a couple of seconds of standing in place, thinking, he put one foot over the other. He slowly walked past Moon and Janna.

“I-I’m… uhm, I’m sorry, I-I… am… going...to...my...room.” Marco stuttered as he walked away from what he saw as a crime scene.

As he slowly stepped away from sight Janna yelled over, “Hey! Come and help me clean this mess! Diaz? DIAZ!” Moon placed her hand over the girl’s shoulder.

“Let him be Janna, he’s been through enough,” Moon walked towards River who had a hold of the collapsed Star. “Star will help you when she wakes up.”

“Everyone! Continue on your Silver Bell Ball preparations! Any collateral damage will be dealt with and is not something that needs to be made known to the public!” Moon ordered the royal servants as they scattered like ants in a disrupted ant hill.

“The Silver Bell Ball… ugh…” Marco laid over his bed, distraught. “I'm sure no one will mention what happened today to Star…” Marco spiked up from his bed to the sight of his darkened room.

“I might as well start picking out the suit…”

[fictoryismine]

NIGHT SKY CHANGING OVER HEAD

C H A P T E R   T W O : Deafening Thunder (AO3) (FFN) Prologue (Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) 

Chapter 1

Makoto spent a lot of time worrying about Ami, who was getting busier all the time, trying to finally get into med school. She had met the pre-requisites and maintained a high enough grade average to apply a semester early, but she had said she wasn't quite ready. She knew that what Ami had really meant was that she wanted to graduate with her friends. She'd told her not to let them hold her back, but Ami just smiled and said she was enrolled in some extra credit high school courses that would give her the upper hand. Still, she hardly had time to talk anymore outside of battling youma.

Mako was torn, she didn't want to smother Ami and push her further away, but at the same time if she was still making an effort then maybe at least some of the time Ami would say yes to seeing her. She didn't want to be forgotten but didn't ever once want Ami to give up her dream, either. Mako was a lot of things, but selfish was not one of them.

She was proud of Ami and knew that she would be a great doctor. Especially since she'd been taking care of them for years, and was always looking up medical terms on her computer and in her mother's medical journals. It was Ami who had suggested that they might all have post traumatic stress disorder. If it was true, it would explain a lot, the trouble sleeping,  nightmares, flashbacks, jumpiness, numbness... Even Rei agreed; if it was anything like what they used to call shellshock, it made sense. After all, they were technically soldiers.

Makoto knew she probably had something going on even before she became Jupiter. There was more to it than just losing her parents. Ami had suggested that she had symptoms of survivor's guilt. She had watched the crash happen and had been helpless to stop it. It explained why she tensed up when airplanes flew overhead. She had once yelled at Usagi when she kept on about how fun an airshow would be, when she wouldn't take no for an answer. That kind of sound just got to her. It explained why sometimes she was okay with going to see fireworks but not if kids threw firecrackers down an alleyway, and why she was almost shaking when she'd walk to school on trash collection day. The garbage trucks would be coming in from both directions, boxing her in on either side of the street. Even with headphones and music turned up on she could feel the sound of the air brakes in her chest the whole way there.

But they all had their things that set them off. Minako couldn't stand police uniforms. Rei really hated hospitals, though that had more to do with her mother than anything Sailor Mars had gone through. Ami and Usagi just went blank sometimes.

----

It had been while first reading up on PTSD, that Ami had received a call from Michiru.

Since the senshi had met The Three Lights, Haruka had become positively dysphoric. Michiru hadn't known what to do for her panic stricken partner. She confided to Ami that the two of them had begun to miss a lot of school, because Haruka wouldn't get out of bed anymore, insisting nothing looked or felt right. When Michiru had asked where this came from, if someone had said something, Haruka had shook their head and said with a scowl, "They didn't have to, just look at me."

Michiru admitted to Ami that she had read some of her androgynous partner's darker thoughts and was afraid to leave them alone. They complained that all of their clothes were wrong and so was everything else. Haruka also wouldn't swim anymore, even alone with Michiru in the mansion's private pool. They had dealt with depression before, but not like this. They were dodging calls from their track coach, and hadn't been to practice in over a week.

Knowing how much was at stake if this got out, Michiru had sworn Ami to secrecy. Ami knew that the normally-private, older girl wouldn't've come to her for just anything. They both must have been really hurting to even consider voicing their pain out loud. The outer senshi were always so much more independent than the inner, but for all their money, they couldn't buy trust.

Ami admired how Michiru felt Haruka's sorrow so deeply that it affected her as well. She wondered if all love made emotions feel so amplified. With some searching, she had been able to find resources for Haruka's identity crisis. It seemed to help both of them, just by having a word to associate with how Haruka felt and to weigh options, to know they weren't alone, even though Haruka had decided that nothing was likely to come of it, since the other racers and musicians would certainly notice if they began to grow a beard. The famous Mugen Academy prodigies were both in the limelight and there were expectations to uphold. It was never really discussed further.

Sometimes Haruka felt more one way than another, but mostly they stayed in the middle. Equally male and female, while feeling both and neither. Straddling that fine line was simultaneously the harder and the easier option. Ami hoped that Haruka could find some sort of peace.

She offered them her support, and appreciated their faith in her. She had never had reason to give her own gender identity much thought, and was glad to have something new to research. She promised to print off anything that seemed useful.

When it came to other issues, while she was happy her research could help her friends, Ami realized that self-diagnosis could be extremely dangerous, but it wasn't like they could really go to the doctor either. If they went to psychiatrist and said, "I'm a princess of my own planet, I have magical super powers, I talk to cats and they talk back, I've died at least twice, I've travelled through time, saved the world, and frankly I'm having problems dealing with all of this," there was no way they would leave that building ever again. That was a lot of pressure, too.

They couldn't even go to a regular hospital. Once, as Sailor V, Minako had realized that she was already in less physical danger, so had she run out of the waiting room before even putting her name down. Every newspaper in the city would try to pick up a story of how a teenage girl who had a black eye and multiple fractures in the evening could be gone without even a mark later that night. The tabloids would eat up a story about super heroines whose broken bones healed perfectly within a day, third degree burns that left no scars, or injuries that started to heal by the time the nurse had even given them a clipboard to fill out. So even though it wasn't ideal, in an emergency, all the senshi really had to rely on was Ami's medical knowledge.

---

It happened while the senshi had been battling at a television station, not an uncommon location; the enemy seemed to realize humanity's relationship with the media, and often tried to use this dependency to their advantage. On this particular day, what they had thought was one big youma had turned out to be three smaller youma, modeled after some kind of Russian nesting dolls.

"Matryoshka," Ami had informed them unnecessarily.

Finally, the girls seemed to have things under control, until one of the monsters got away. After getting a quick nod from Venus, Jupiter ran after it. The other four scouts stayed to fight the two larger enemies, while the smaller one made its way up the winding stairwell to the broadcasting tower to brainwash all of Japan, and the station's international syndicates. It seemed that both of the other youma had merely been diversions.

Jupiter cornered it and made the mistake of unleashing her Supreme Thunder Dragon in a very small soundstage, not taking into account that her attacks were so much stronger now than when she was in junior high. Her plan had worked; it had killed the youma, but the reverberation sent the tall cranes used for filming and other heavy equipment crashing down around her, even bringing down the rafters.

"Well, shit," she swore, all she had time to say, as a pile of twisted metal descended on her. There was no way she'd get out of that beam's path in time. Feeling like everything was happening in slow motion, Makoto felt herself being hurled backwards, falling to her knees helpless with terrible ringing noises, and then silence...

The other senshi must have heard the crash, but were still fighting the other two youma. She smiled, knowing she'd taken the bastard down with her in a final blaze of glory, closed her eyes and embraced the darkness.

---

"JUPITER!" Sailor Moon screamed, as the rest ran towards her. Makoto had detransformed from her green and white uniform and was back in her civilian clothes which were already soaked with blood.

"Mako, wake up! Mako-chan, please wake up."

She didn't move, just lay there limp and unresponsive, while emotions ran high. Minako stared, horrified and guilt-ridden for having given the go ahead for Jupiter to leave the group. It wasn't their typical protocol, but Jupiter was stubborn, and they'd all known this was the only chance they had. If anyone was capable to duke it out in a battle of pure strength, it should've been their Jupiter.

Mars made eye contact with Venus, and tried to reassure her the best she could, that she had only done what she thought was best for the team. If their princess was distraught and their leader was blaming herself, it would only be a matter of time before everything else fell apart.

Voice shaking, Rei told her again and again, "You did the right thing," desperately hoping that her words would sink in and Mina would eventually hear her. "You did the right thing."

She couldn't bear to look down at their mangled friend, so she just kept her eyes locked with Mina's. She tried to drown out the cries of her princess, which felt like they were cutting right through her. If she didn't focus on Mina, she would start crying as well. Someone had to stay strong. 'It's what Jupiter would want,' she told herself. There'd be time to mourn for Makoto later.

Usagi had weaved her way through the wreckage and was weeping against their friend. She had lost her footing on the slick ground, not noticing that she had slipped in blood. She held Mako's unresponsive hand, whispering unintelligible things about bento boxes and arcade scores, still pleading with her friend to wake up.

Mercury had gone virtually unnoticed during these moments. Ami had grown very still. She stood frozen in place, knowing that there was no way even Mako could have survived this. She must've had over a thousand pounds of metal on top of her, and it seemed as though she had probably taken the brunt of it on her head.

She tried to brace herself for the worst possible outcome. It just didn't seem real. She felt like something was cracking inside her chest. The first time that Jupiter died, at D-point, had been a different kind of pain; there had been purpose in it, going against Queen Beryl. They were kids back then, and they hadn't been as experienced. They didn't know all of what they now knew. This time should've been easy. This youma was nothing they hadn't fought before. This was all some terrible fluke.

.  .  .

She thought about the last time she had seen Makoto, just a few days before. They had shared a picnic outside the library. Makoto had been very cheerful, and Ami had noticed her green eyes brighten immediately. Mako had brought a soft gingham blanket to spread on the ground, red and white checkerboard, just like the movies.

"Did you eat lunch yet?" She'd asked excitedly, as they sat on the plush grass of the campus lawn. Makoto understood that Ami could get so caught up in a book that she'd often forget to feed herself, and must be starving.

"No, not yet. I've been busy studying since this morning." What time was it anyway? She and Makoto had seemed to notice at the same time that it was nearly sunset. Ami had found it had added a certain ambience. It had felt strangely romantic.

"It's almost dinner time. Betcha didn't have any breakfast either?" Ami shook her head. "Well, it's a good thing I'm here then!" Ami had seen Makoto like this before. She definitely had a new crush and must be thinking of someone special.

When Ami had asked who the boy was, Mako had told her with a big goofy smile, that there was no boy, as she placed a shiny new blue bento box in front of her. It matched Makoto's green one. Ami hoped it had been picked out special just for her, but didn't want to spoil their time together with silly questions. Besides, even if it had been, there would probably be a red, orange and pink in her cupboard at home.

"No?" She asked, intrigued.

Even if it hadn't been something just for her, she knew how incredibly sweet it was for Mako to make them a lunch to share, especially when they were both so busy. Makoto's eyes were practically sparkling. Clearly there was someone. Ami wondered if maybe there was a girl then?

"No. Just wanted to see you." She straightened her shirt and tucked a long tendril of hair behind her ear. "There's nobody else in the world I'd rather see." She giggled, barely able to contain her joy.

'It's not me, it can't be me, not really...' Ami blushed. 'Mm... but what if it is?'

For a split second she felt as though her heart might explode. She rationalized with herself that they were friends. She hoped that she hadn't looked too far into things. She should be happy with what she had right there in front of her.  She should be grateful for the picnic. She didn't need anything else. She thought about it some more, and for easily the hundredth time, something in her said, 'It's now or never, you should kiss her.'

Despite water being her element, Ami was never one to just jump in. Ever analytical, she always had to test things out first. She started small and moved towards Makoto, until their shoulders touched.

Makoto looked startled. "Sorry, I take up so much damn room." She tried to turn herself into tiny a ball at the edge of the blanket and pouted. Ami felt awful, and though she'd never admit it, she did find it a little bit funny to see Makoto trying to force her long legs into such unnatural positions.

She decided if she couldn't be sure whether or not Makoto was interested in her, then it would be terrible to risk their wonderful friendship for her own selfish impulses. Especially when Mako had been so quick to pull away. Ami wanted nothing more than to sit brushing right against her, to feel the warmth of her skin, but the timing just wasn't right. It was never right. She wondered if she had lost her chance with Mako-chan by wanting things to be perfect.

They had sat in awkward silence for a moment, but Makoto's mood had changed when she remembered the strawberry kiwi tarts she had made. She'd even moved back to the centre of the blanket, and listened to Ami talk all about her studies. She'd encouraged her to keep up the hard work and to let her know when she had some spare time, insisting she really needed some more days like this.

If Ami's last memory of Makoto was a lot like the dates she'd seen in movies, it would have to be good enough. She was so grateful that Makoto had been so persistent that day, and that she hadn't cancelled on her again.

Ami would never have been able to forgive herself. She thought about all the times she'd hung up on a sad sounding girl who just missed her friend, rationalizing that she really had needed to study; they were older now, and had certain obligations. No, that wasn't fair, Makoto had been running her own home for years. She had been no stranger to responsibility and she still always made time for the others.

Ami hadn't known that she really wouldn't have a second chance. She wanted to run over and do all she could, but nothing would help. Her doubt cemented her feet to the floor, paralyzing her with fear. She had no idea how much time had gone by. She was suddenly aware that her face was wet. She didn't know how long she'd been crying.

---

"I need you to tell me what to do now." Venus heard Mars pleading for her next orders.

Mina tried to shake away her guilt, Rei was right. She was still the leader, and still needed her troops to act. Gently she asked, "Mercury, I-I know this is bad. But right now I need you to scan the room. Did the youma get away?"

Mercury snapped herself out of it, remembering that, above everything else, she still had a job to do. She forced her hand to her ear and her visor manifested itself onto her face. The presence of evil was gone, the radio signal was behaving normally. Mako had stopped it in time.

There was something else too. Steady beeping. A section of her screen focused on the green waves of an ekg monitor.

She looked at Makoto again through the cobalt lens and the stinging of her tears, to realize that though her vitals were weak, she was alive. Unconscious, and just barely clinging to life, but alive.

She started to tremble. "Mars, Venus help me move these off of her, she's... she's still alive!" Rallying, she instructed Mars to melt the weak points in the metal, so they could be made into smaller, more manageable pieces. She told Venus to use her chains to help move the metal so it wouldn't burn her. Sailor Moon stayed with Mako, seemingly unaware that her friend was still alive. She was holding vigil, still bawling, but those crystalline tears had performed miracles before.

Through her weeping, Usagi, didn't notice the others moving the mess of scattered debris until it was half cleared, but once she realized, she helped push the final pieces of metal off of their friend. Things already seemed less dire once they moved all of that weight off of her. Her breathing was shallow, and she had probably cracked a rib or two, but Ami was thankful that­­ Makoto wasn't awake for the pain. She could tell that her pulse was already little stronger. She scanned her again, this time with an x-ray function.

It would've been easier to tell what was actively bleeding if they could have washed her face. It was evident that her skull had been bashed in pretty badly. There was a protrusion above her eyebrow.

Mina tried not to panic. "Aw shit, she's got a huge fuckin' goose egg."

Ami continued scanning her and answered, "It's a type of cranial hematoma."

"Two black eyes. Oh God! Ami! She looks like a panda! That's gotta be brain damage."

"It's called periorbital eccymosis and the bruising behind her ears are battle's sign." It seemed accurately named.

"She's breathing though, right? So what are we waiting for?"

"She has some internal bleeding around her brain. I don't know if there is a clot or not." Mercury crouched beside Makoto and carefully watched her screen. "Venus... How sharp can you make your metal?"

"Sharp."

"Sharp enough to drill through bone?"

Minako breathed. "Yeah." That couldn't be a good question.

"Without shattering it?"

"I-I think so?"

"Her brain is swelling. We might have to drill a tiny little hole to let the blood out and alleivate the pressure if her senshi healing doesn't kick in soon."

"O-Okay. You're the boss here, Doc."

"If I gave you specifications, could you make a little cyliandrical--" Minako looked completely out of her depth. "Um, if I say how big, could you make a little hollow tube-pipe-straw thing to let the blood out?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

Ami had tears in her eyes. "I hope it doesn't come to that."

"Is the swelling still not going down?"

"I'm trying to use my ice powers to cool her down, but," her voice cracked, "I-I don't know how fast it's supposed to change or how much swelling is too much swelling. Any is probably too much, right? But--"

"But?"

"I don't remember what part of her skull to put the hole."

Rei swallowed hearing that. Now was not the time for Ami to lose her nerve. "Scan her again, and try to remember!"

"Right," Ami mumbled, breathing to centre herself. 'In the name of Mercury, please--' She needed to pull herself together, if there was any chance Makoto could be saved, it rested on Ami. Makoto needed her right now. She ran the scan again.

"Oh! Oh, thank god!"

"What is it?" Mina demanded.

"The swelling's starting to go down. I think she's going to be alright."

With the immediate danger posed by the head injury out of the way, Ami declared that their next priority was Mako's broken leg. The sailor scouts had remarkable healing, but it would still do her no good to have her leg heal crookedly.

Following Ami's instructions, Rei straightened the limb. There was a sickening cracking noise, and she cringed, feeling a coldness in the pit of her stomach, but Ami nodded at Rei. "That's supposed to happen when you set bones."

There was no saying how long Makoto would be unconscious, but they knew there was a good chance that she'd wake up soon. They had done everything they could for her. Mercury had seen the blood and cerebrospinal fluid at Mako's ears, and was sure she had fractured her skull. Her head had been caved in in one spot. There were still dips and dents where the metal had been, but her computer was showing strong brain activity.

"Look at all those cuts." Usagi whispered.

"Most of these contusions and subcutenaous lacerations are simply cosmetic. They will heal. It's the damage we can't see that I'm worried about." Ami frowned. The scouts recovered best in their sleep. It was as though weeks of healing could take place in an hour. Ami had a theory that since one day on the moon was actually about twenty-eight Earth days, maybe it really was like the equivalent of a month went by when Usagi used her crystal healing. They also seemed to be getting stronger the longer it had been since their connection to their planetary powers had been awakened in them.

Ami watched Mako's vitals. She knelt next to her, wondering how her friend who had always seemed like an amazon of ancient myth, so much larger than life, could look so small and frail right now. She had never seen someone so broken.

Mars felt a little callous even bringing it up, but reminded the others, "We gotta find a way out of here, ASAP." With the explosion and terrified people running out of the building, it was only a matter of time before the station's owners and the police would come to investigate exactly what had gone on there.

"It could be extremely dangerous to move her too soon," Mercury protested. "We could end up hurting her much worse. Brain injuries are often accompanied by spinal injuries. I don't think it will take too much longer."

"I'll, uh, I'll call the Outers," Usagi volunteered, making herself useful, and contacting Haruka on her communicator.

---

Michiru paused in the hallway, hearing Haruka's voice in the other room, not sure if it was the telephone or communicator. She figured out quickly, by the tone and the playful flirting, that it must be one of the inner senshi.

"Oh, Kitten, it's you... You mean we missed all the action? Sounds like fun... You need a getaway car? Well, I am the fastest..." Michiru poked her head into the room, to see Haruka laugh before suddenly going pale and grabbing their keys. "We'll be right there," they promised, and abruptly hung up.

"Oh gods, what happened? Who's hurt?" Michiru asked, hurrying out the door after Haruka, pulling on one shoe as she went. She'd have to put on the other in the car.

---

Makoto had been stirring a little in her sleep. "It won't be too long before she wakes up," Ami promised. She wished that she could stay resting longer, what she really needed was more time, but Rei was right. They needed to get out of there.

There was a groan.

Makoto realized she was laying on the floor. She felt like she'd been hit by a train. 'What the fuck happened, where the hell am I?' She looked down at the wet, red linoleum. 'That ain't good.'

She dizzily opened her eyes and saw the world going on without her. Everyone was being very animated for some reason. Minako and Usagi were jumping up and down and even Rei was smiling weakly.

'But, Ami?' She panicked. 'Where's Ami?' She tried to make sense of it all. It felt like no one had said anything for an eternity. Her head was killing her, and her ribs ached. It hurt so much to even breathe. She looked down and understood why; Ami was wrapped around her torso, holding on like she'd never let her go.

When the smaller girl finally released her from her grip, Mako tried to roll onto her side and fight through the pain, but was hit with a wave of nausea. Once she had finished throwing up, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and attempted to sit up again.

"Fuck-- My head. I'm so dizzy," Makoto complained groggily, or tried to. She didn't hear the words come out of her mouth, and wondered if she had said anything at all.

Mina's mouth moved, maybe asking how she was doing, and she handed Mako an opened pack of peppermint flavoured gum from her purse. It was much appreciated. Their leader was nothing if not resourceful.

Ami stooped down to ask what was wrong, but Mako could only see her lips moving, and she panicked. Her eyes widened, trying to piece together the few facts she had gathered. "I THINK I..."  the already loud girl tried. Still unable to hear herself, she yelled louder, "I... I DON'T THINK I CAN HEAR!" nearly knocking Ami over with the unexpected boom of her voice.

Mako saw Rei mouth something at Mina.

"Now neither can she!"

Ami winced at their poor taste, and a confused Mako yelled, "WHAT?" which, of course, only made Mina and Rei laugh harder. Now that they knew Mako was going to be alright, Rei joked to keep from letting go of the tears she was still holding back.

"Did we get the monster?" The others nodded.

A detransformed Usagi got a good glimpse at her maimed friend's face. The tears welled up again. She tried to speak, but Mako couldn't hear a word.

"Usagi, are you alright, Princess?" Usagi nodded and sobbed harder. "Then nothing else matters."

The adrenaline still pumping through her veins, Makoto tried to drag herself up onto a knee before her, ready to swear allegiance to her future queen all over again, when she discovered her leg was broken. The excruciating pain swept through her, and she toppled over and blacked out.

When Makoto came to again, there was so much fear in her bright, green eyes, one of her pupils larger than the other. Ami held her, unsure if she was trying to comfort herself or Makoto.

"Did-Did I get the monster?"

Ami nodded through her tears. It had finally hit her; no matter what obstacles lay ahead, Makoto was alive. She laughed to herself. She had never been so happy to be wrong before. After a moment, she took out her handheld mini-computer and quickly typed: "Just temporary."

Mako read the words and nodded.

Ami didn't know for sure if it was true or not, but she had just looked so lost. For now, she felt like Mako needed to believe in something. They could figure the rest of it all out later.

Outside the others heard the screech of rubber tires against the asphalt. Haruka and Michiru rushed in in their civilian forms. They had called Mamoru from their car-phone and he was going to meet them a couple blocks over with his car. Haruka's only fit four, maybe five, people, and if Mako had still been unconscious when they got there, the tall girl might have needed the whole back seat to herself.

Haruka took one look at Mako's grotesquely swollen face and immediately turned on Minako. "What the hell happened," she growled. "No good has ever come of you five separating! You know that! You're supposed to keep each other safe! You're supposed to protect the princess! Fuck!"

Minako was too emotionally exhausted to even try to defend her decision. Too many times she had begun to say, "I didn't think that..." and had it twisted into, "That's right, you didn't think!" She just couldn't handle that right now. Makoto was alive, and Haruka hadn't been there. Instead, Mina thought about Rei making sure she kept it together, and how comforting it had been to feel her warm hand in hers when she had nothing else anchoring her. Rei was glaring at Haruka, ready to say something if given the signal, but it didn't seem worth it. She closed her eyes for a second and wondered if the miko would let her stay at the shrine again tonight.

Mako was still dazed but eventually noticed that Haruka and Michiru had arrived. Haruka tried to hide the worry on her face. "Hey, how you doing?" she asked the injured senshi.

Mako tried to whisper this time. "Sorry, I can't hear you. I got hurt and I'm really dizzy." Haruka hugged her gently, ever so softly clapping her on the shoulder, and then mimed jauntily punching and flexing, pointed at Mako, winked and gave her a thumbs up.

Mako smiled. She figured Haruka was praising her for a fight well done. She knew Haruka never gave a compliment she didn't mean, so she'd take it, whatever it was. Michiru looked her over, saw the big bump on her head and looked over all the cuts and bruises before pouting and kissing her on the cheek. Mako blushed, wondering if she'd been more hurt than she thought, if even the Outers had been worried.

Ami held out her computer, where she had typed out: "Not enough seats in car. Rei, Mina, Usa go w Mamo."

It was hard to focus on the small text. Though Ami held the device very still, it looked like it was jumping around, but when she was done reading she nodded. Usagi looked like she might start crying again as she gripped Mako's hands in hers, before Mina led her off.

A few seconds later Ami finished typing again, and passed her a screen that said: "Haru, Michi, you & I going to mansion. Closer." Mako nodded again.

Michiru waited with Makoto in Haruka's yellow car, while Ami and Haruka backtracked. They spent the next few minutes scanning the rooms the senshi had been in, and tearing down the remaining security cameras. While they were disabling the security footage, Haruka suggested they take the tape from the soundstage, but Ami figured it had probably already been damaged. Maybe she just didn't want proof of what had happened, didn't want to be forced to watch someone she loved be so brutally injured, or relive her moment of weakness, when she had hesitated to act.

As they drove, Makoto lay in the backseat. There was a lot of conversation going on up front that she couldn't hear. She figured it was about her situation, and Ami catching them up on any new threats. Feeling nauseated, she focused on not throwing up on the new leather interior, and instead on their victory.

She closed her eyes tightly and waited for the car to stop. It did, abruptly. She noticed that Ami was now behind her, trying to hold her upright and rubbing her shoulders. It helped a little. They'd pulled into the garage of the sprawling mansion, and parked beside Haruka's bikes and other cars.

As they entered the house, Mako recognized the frame in their doorway -- a gift from Minako that she had helped with. Normally folk art wouldn't have been the couple's style, but they hadn't been able to say no to the cross stitched gift. Haruka found it hilarious. Mako had been taken by surprise when Mina had brought her the pattern and asked how hard it would be to change the E's into O's.

"Home Swoot Home?" She'd asked, puzzled.

Mina had laughed, "Homo Sweet Homo." In response to Mako's raised eyebrow she'd admitted, "It's for Haruka and Michiru." It was a little surprising to see it having such pride of place.

Haruka helped Mako up the stairs. With the pain, and the fog still in her head, she had almost forgotten about her leg, until she tried to stand on it. As Haruka and Michiru helped her to the couch, she caught Hotaru quietly peeking around a corner, like a little ghost, always hiding and watching. Mako smiled weakly and gave a half-hearted wave, giving the dark haired girl away.

Haruka and Michiru said something to the child, likely explaining that Mako had been hurt in a fight, but was okay now. It must have been past Hotaru's bedtime, because the three of them disappeared, leaving her with only Ami.

.  .  .

---

"Should I use my healing powers on Makoto?" Hotaru asked, as Haruka and Michiru tucked her into her bed.

"Did you brush your teeth and put all your books in your knapsack ready to go?"

"Uh huh," their daughter answered, distracted "Why's her face all lumpy? Was she hurt really bad?" Hotaru was careful to only say such a thing in private where no feelings could be hurt. She was after all, being taught the proper Kaioh etiquette, with just a hint of Tenoh humanity. She had learned that there were no wrong questions, but there were definitely better ways to ask.

"We weren't there, but something heavy fell and she got clunked on the head. You don't have to worry though, Ami is taking good care of her."

"Oh, if she was still hurt, I was thinking maybe I could fix her?"

Michiru shook her head. "Absolutely not."

Haruka softened. "It's so so sweet of you to think of that, but she'll be okay."

"Promise?"

"Yes." They said it at the same time, though Papa didn't look convinced.

"Did you see it in the future?" she asked, sensing that doubt.

Michiru comforted her, "Yes Hotaru, my mirror says she'll be fine."

"But what if maybe she's okay because I healed her and the mirror forgot to show you that part?!"

Haruka laughed. That kid could find a loophole like nobody's business. They blamed Setsuna teaching her about multiverse theory. -- If there was a world somewhere with extra dessert why couldn't it be this one? Maybe in this timeline this Hotaru needed extra candy.  -- Ami expanding her vocabulary with words like utmost and imperative also didn't make her come off as any less precocious. Sometimes her motives were a little off, and it could be hard to tell if she was just in a particularly helpful mood or being a show off for the others, but tonight she understood the fear in everyone's eyes and hoped she could set things right. She never felt like she did quite enough to be taken seriously.

Michiru cautioned, "You know how sick you get when you heal someone, taking all of their pain onto yourself like that. Mako-chan got hurt in a big way, so her powers had to work extra hard that's all. She just needs to rest quietly for a little while."

"Actually, there's probably a couple people in this house who should be resting quietly," Haruka teased, "You gotta go to school tomorrow and it's way past your bedtime kiddo."

Ever defiant, Hotaru argued, "Why do I even have healing powers if you won't let me use them?"

"It would just be a lot of unnecessary pain for such a small body, that's all. It would use nearly all your energy up." Mako would wake up fine tomorrow, and Hotaru would miss two weeks of school and probably wind up half an inch shorter. The child's age was still fluctuating based on stress. "And besides, you just started feeling better again."

Hotaru's healing was a powerful ability that came with a cost, though no one really fully understood how the repercussions worked. It was like sucking the venom out from a snake bite to save somebody else; they got to go on with their lives and never look back, but you were stuck with the bad in you and no one to save you from all that poison in return.

Michiru's powers felt like that sometimes, too. It was a blessing and a curse. She couldn't shut it off, and if she did ever find a way she knew she'd essentially be useless. She listened to everyone else's broken thoughts all day, the secrets they kept to themselves, the lies they told each other and the truths that cut to the bone, so by the time she lay her head down, she couldn't sleep, because she was reliving their pain and no one was around to listen to hers.

"This was just an accident. You can use your powers when it's an important fight, or if the princess gets hurt," she tried to soothe the frustrated child.

"Or Chibi-usa," Hotaru adamantly reminded her.

Michiru tried her best not to roll her eyes. "Right. Sorry."

"If the princesses get hurt," Haruka agreed.

Michiru frowned. She had never liked the idea of the child being used as some portable battery in case Serenity burned herself out. Their little former cyborg was not just some deus ex machina on hold if things got rocky; she was so much more than merely their reset button for when things went the worst kind of wrong.

Haruka and Michiru kissed their daughter goodnight, and walked around her room turning off her favourite lamps, as they did every night. It was their job to make sure the lights worked in case she woke up scared from her frequent nightmares. Michiru smiled, overhearing Haruka's thoughts: 'Good thing we're millionaires or the electric bill in this place would be nuts. Growing up, it was always turn those lights out and shut the door, we're not heating all of Japan. Fuck, I sound like my dad. I'm nothing like him, I'm not. I'm not like either of them. Hotaru can be anything she wants. She--' Michiru fiddled with a switch. "The nightlight plugged in by your bed is working."

"1-2-3! Everybody put your hands together--" They clapped and the sound activated light turned on and off. "Just like Michi-mama's audiences." Haruka remembered first going on tour with Michiru and being genuinely impressed by the house lights and applause.

"Are we good to leave now?" Michiru was always worried she sounded annoyed when she asked that, but she would stand in the doorway all night if the delicate girl wanted her to. She had before.

"Mhm." She nodded in the dim room. With a big yawn she told them, "If Mako-chan needs me, wake me up and I'll do it."

"You're a good kid, you know that? Your heart's always in the right place just like your mama."

"Which one?" She feigned puzzlement. Lately that, was her favourite joke.

'And your comedic timing is just like your papa,' Michiru thought with a private smirk.

---

"Alcohol?"

Ami looked up, dazed, "Huh?" She hadn't even noticed that Haruka had come back into the room. They'd said something.

"Alcohol," Haruka repeated.

Ami was still shaking.  "No, I think I'm alright now. Thank you."

"I meant for her--" They gestured behind them on the sofa, where Mako had drifted off again. "Maybe thin her blood a little so it won't clot."

"Oh." Ami thought about it for a moment. "It could dull the pain for her a little, but if she's already dizzy and a little dehydrated it won't help. Also, if I'm trying to monitor her short-term memory it might be distracting."

"I usually have some 'senshi strength' pills around, but we used them up last time." In an ironic twist, Sailor Mars, the fire senshi had been burned alive and almost hadn't made it.

"I mean, I could ask if she wants a drink."

"If it helps, tell her we've got that fancy hard cider she likes." They had told Makoto about drinking it in Europe and when she expressed an interest, they'd decided to have some imported.

"Perhaps we could start her with water for now?"

Haruka nodded. "I'll go get some."

---

The next time she woke up, Makoto noticed how red Ami's eyes were. She had been crying.

'No one else seemed injured? Did she get hurt too? Or was she just scared for me?' she wondered. Everything was still fuzzy.

Eventually, Ami got up and came back with some kind of first aid kit. She set to work, cleaning Mako's wounds. A lot of the smaller cuts had already healed themselves, leaving only dried blood. Makoto didn't mind the stinging. Normally, she liked any excuse for Ami to accidentally lean against her, even though this wasn't quite what she'd had in mind. She knew what a delicate touch the angelic ice senshi had, and knew she was lucky to have such a devoted healer in her life. Ami really was going to make a great doctor one day.

Periodically, Ami would discard a blood soaked cloth, until a pile started to build up. Mako wondered exactly how banged up she really was. It seemed that the pile was never ending, but it was the all the blood from her ears that had run down her neck that she didn't expect. 'Shit.' It dawned on her, 'I definitely almost died today.'

Ami looked absolutely exhausted. Makoto took Ami's hand in hers and tried to think of something hopeful to say, but she couldn't think of anything that would help. It seemed that she was out of the woods now, but what could she say? She wanted to thank her, to tell her she loved her and couldn't live without her, but she also thought that she might throw up again. Instead, she just closed her eyes.

Ami's skin always ran a little cool, but Makoto found her touch incredibly soothing. She was glad to finally have an excuse to hold her hand. With communicating so much harder right now, she craved any extra affection. She tried to rest, unsure whether or not she had actually napped, but she opened her eyes when she felt Ami's hand leave hers, and Ami move off of the couch.

Ami helped her sit up and propped her up with a big cushion behind her back, and helped her drink, tilting the glass for her. Michiru had searched through the kitchen for a bendy straw, but it wasn't something they'd had on hand. She typed, 'Hungry?' but Makoto shook her head. She was, but with all that had happened, she was scared she'd be sick again.

---

Michiru reached out with her psychic senses, glad when she felt Ami and Makoto still safe in her home. Of all the inner senshi, they were two she and Haruka felt closest to. Maybe it was the way Mercury and Jupiter knew how to find calm clarity and peace in the rain, much like herself and Haruka, while the other three only felt nervous energy during a storm. Even after all that time around Makoto, Usagi was still afraid of thunder.

Or maybe it was just that Ami could have deeper conversations with Michiru, Mako could train harder with Haruka, and they were both able to sneak off a little more, because they weren’t being followed by cats.

Haruka had also sensed right away that Mako-chan was at least a little bi-curious, and was flattered.

"Well that's obvious," Michiru had said, when Haruka mentioned it. "I could have told you that, even without my mirror or the churning of the sea." She had sensed a rare comradery in her. There really was just something innately queer about Makoto, she thought.

Haruka always said that they wished that Michiru had been there the day they'd first met. Makoto had tried to protect Usagi from being hit by their bike, and had instantly won a great deal of respect from the racer.

Really, they had both liked Makoto immediately, although Sailor Jupiter was another story. The inner and outer senshi had had every reason not to trust each other, but once the talismans were recovered and the messiah was found, everyone was quick to forgive. They all understood that both sides were on what seemed to be conflicting missions, but all had been ready to lay down their lives.

Michiru had to smile. Despite being so close in age, Makoto reminded of her a younger Haruka. They were both very determined and athletic, even if Haruka was never as warm to strangers. She knew that whatever path Mako-chan chose to take she'd be fine, that she would remain kindhearted but resilient.

She worried more about Ami, who didn't bounce back easily from rejection. Michiru was much the same. It was just in their nature, and it had become easier to build walls than to leave themselves vulnerable. Even now, she could sense Ami's trepidation, and her longing for Makoto.

---

Sometime in the night, Setsuna showed up, putting her hand on Jupiter's shoulder to silently provide comfort. Her calm, garnet eyes studied the girl, before she turned and spoke to Ami.

"How's she doing?"

"She's doing better now," Ami answered. "It's just a matter of waiting."

"I'm glad." Setsuna settled onto the loveseat. "And how are you feeling?" she asked, kindly.

They spoke quietly, Setsuna eventually distracting Ami from her worries with a discussion of astrophysics and string theory, when they both tensed up, sensing something.

"Did you feel that?" Haruka asked, slipping into the room with Michiru.

"I think that was Mars," Ami said. The senshi were all able to sense when something happened with the others' powers, whether it was transformation, or something else.

Unaware of the conversation around her, Makoto spoke up, "I think I just felt Rei."

"Some of us should go check on her," Michiru suggested.

"Somebody oughta call her and Mina," Mako urged. Michiru laughed; it seemed she wasn't missing much.

---

"We should get her out of those bloody clothes."

"There's nothing here."

"She can't borrow Haruka's clothes if she has a head injury; they're WAY too loud." Some of the patterned shirts were enough to give Michiru a headache.

There were a lot of conversations going on that Mako just couldn't keep up with. As it turned out, reading lips was not nearly as easy as it sounded, though it seemed someone had checked in with Rei, and everything was under control. After some more back and forth, Ami took Makoto's keys and gave them to Haruka, who sped out the door, leaving Michiru to fawn over the injured warrior, and bring her pillows and more cold drinks, while pulling faces of exaggerated concern, pouting and saying something that looked like, "Poor baby!" and things of that nature.

When it seemed that Mako was as comfortable as they could make her for the time being, Michiru gently guided Ami into the kitchen to talk. Although Makoto wouldn't have been able to hear them, she didn't want her picking up any bad vibes from their conversation.

"You can't keep beating yourself up like this," Michiru began, correctly sensing that Ami was still far more distressed than she was letting on. "It's our sworn duty, we know the danger we put ourselves in."

"I almost lost her again."

"But you didn't. She's in our living room, mostly in one piece. I understand that with all that's happened, that tonight may not be the night, but you really need to tell her how you feel. Not everyone gets a second second chance!" she urged.

---

They were sitting with Makoto again, when Haruka came back with some clean clothes from her apartment. They seemed to have just grabbed whatever had been on the top of the drawers. None of it really matched, but Haruka figured it didn't matter. It wasn't like Mako would be going anywhere tonight.

"Really?" asked Michiru, bemused.

"What?" Haruka replied, gruffly. They had done what had been requested of them. They tossed the keys back to Ami.

"You grabbed track pants, a sports bra, a halter top with sequins... a pair of socks, no... wait..." Michiru dug through the bag, "three pairs of socks, and two pairs of underwear?"

"I don't like going through people's things. So what if it doesn't match? God Michiru! Is she really going to go to a night club with a fractured skull?"

Michiru started to laugh, knowing that her partner was only so snappish about this, because they really cared for Mako. Sometimes, it was a nice reminder that Haruka wasn't actually as callous as they tried to be.

"You're right. Thank you for going to get those for her." She kissed their cheek.

Makoto's eyes drifted over the assortment of clothes. 'Oh, these are mine?' she thought. 'Haruka must've gone to my apartment, then.'

Ami typed out: "We were lucky no one saw you on the way here, but you can't go around with all that blood on you."

Makoto read it and Ami typed again: "Are you well enough to have a shower on your own? How is your leg? Still dizzy?"

With Ami helping her walk to the bathroom, Makoto tried to put some weight on her leg. "Leg's fine!" she yelled.

It wasn't fine, exactly. It was pretty far from it, but the throbbing pain wasn't as bad as it had been at the station. She could feel that it was healing. It dawned on her that she hadn't seen her reflection yet. She hobbled around until she found a mirror.

She recoiled at her reflection, then winced, not wanting Ami to realise just how hideous she felt. 'Well, I never was going to be prom queen.' There was something bulbous over her eyebrow, faded bruises of what had once been two black eyes, and dried blood along her hairline.

Ami typed: "Still dizzy? Do you want someone to help you shower?"

Makoto thought to herself, 'Just my luck, this might be the only time I can get Ami in the shower with me and I look like this!' A wry grin spread across her face, making the cut on her lip split open again.

'Maybe I could get Ami AND Michiru in the shower with me?' She chuckled a little, though it startled her that she still couldn't hear herself. She'd never actually go after Haruka's girl. Even jokingly she knew that was out of line. Michiru was just so stunningly beautiful though, her friends were lucky to have found each other.

Makoto would also never betray Ami like that. She knew they weren't together, and even though, technically seeing other people wouldn't be cheating, it felt like it would be dishonest to her own heart. It seemed like it would only hurt whoever she was with. She had come to terms with Ami not feeling the same, but she couldn't help but wonder what things could've been like, and wasn't ready to move on.

Ami handed Mako the handheld computer again, the question still there: "Still dizzy? Do you want someone to help you shower?"

Mako shook her head no.

Ami suddenly looked like her day catching up with her. She looked so defeated. Makoto didn't know what else she could offer. She hugged her and held her as snug as she could without re-injuring her ribs. When she released her, Ami looked a little brighter.

Ami slipped out of the room so Makoto could shower. Mako just hoped her broken leg would hold up and she wouldn't pass out or something embarrassing. She could see the headlines now: "Local giant found dead, naked and in an unflattering position." She laughed to herself again, hoping it hadn’t been too loud. Usually it was Minako who laughed at her own jokes. She kept the door unlocked, so if she slipped or something happened they wouldn't have to break the expensive and heavy looking door, but she hoped everyone would have the good sense to stay out. If she could do something herself, she would. She had always gotten by without help before.

Water against her skin always felt so good. It felt like a warm rain, soothing her sore muscles, making her feel stronger, invigorated, and cleansed. Not to mention, it was the closest she could get to connecting with her element without standing outside in a storm. Haruka and Michiru's shower -- and this was just their guest shower -- was especially luxurious.

Makoto knew how exceedingly wealthy her friends were, but most of their material possessions went unnoticed by her. She didn't care about the dozen cars and motorcycles in the garage. She thought their roomy kitchen was gorgeous, considering they never actually used it -- they had so much storage, a huge pantry and top of the line appliances -- but she had had no idea they had such an amazing shower. It had clearly been made with tall people in mind.

She hated when she'd use a shower that she had to duck under to keep from bumping her head. This should've been a dream come true, but today she was nervous to stand for too long with her leg and shaky equilibrium, so she just kind of sat at the edge of the tub and tried to scrub what was left of the dried blood off her face.

She held one of the towels that had been set aside to her mouth to try and clot the fresh blood drizzling from her lip. Even after all this time the taste of her own blood always made her gag a little. She wondered why Ami hadn't bothered to stitch it, but figured it would heal if she left it alone. She kept poking it with her tongue, which made it hurt, but then it hurt, so she would poke it with her tongue. It was a vicious cycle. 'Ugh. I'm worse than an animal.' she thought, as she poked at it yet again.

All the blood made her hair matted and her scalp feel sticky. She washed it until it was no longer tacky, and the water ran clear. She felt a big crusty chunk of scab and decided not to scrub or pick at it right now, since it was still sore underneath. For all she knew Ami had had to stitch her half her brains back in and she'd be ripping at the sutures, undoing all the hard work Ami had put in trying to keep her dumb ass alive.

After turning off the water, she sat and air dried for a moment, before beginning to dress herself. Her reflection looked a little better already. She reasoned that it was probably for the best that she didn't know how bad she looked when she first woke up from this. It just would've been one more thing to worry about.

---

Haruka took Makoto's dirty clothes to put in the wash. They had wanted to just throw them in the garbage but Michiru had stopped them.

"Why isn't the new maid doing this?" she asked, following Haruka into the laundry room.

"Oh, yeah..." Haruka blushed. "She quit."

Michiru sighed in exasperation. "Dammit, Ruka! Have you been seducing the help again?" Haruka's face fell as they looked away. "Without me?"

Haruka let a small sheepish smile grow, relieved they weren't in any real trouble. "Sorry."

"That's all you have to say?" Michiru wasn't through, not by a long shot. "Because I KNOW I didn't actually get cheated on and that this was just a very stupid lapse in judgement, and a breakdown in what should have been simple communication. Right?"

Haruka gave the slightest nod. "Right."

"Well?"

"I didn't really plan on this to happen this time, honest."

Michiru's tone was deadpan. "Let me guess, you just tripped and fell into her?" She raised her eyebrow. "Because I can only buy that excuse once."

"No, I just, we were sorta talking and-- I don't know. I didn't mean to..." They sighed. "Well, maybe I did mean to."

"Do you know who gets cheated on?"

"I 'unno? Ugly peopl--"

Michiru interupted before Haruka could answer, "Not me, that's who! Know who else doesn't get cheated on? People who refuse to let cheating be a factor in their relationships!"

"Okay."

"People with self-esteem! And certainly not models who used their influence and personal inheritances as the start-up for their spouses' fortune!"

"Yeah, I shouldn't've done it."

"Especially not if the public is watching a couple, so that prospective partners need to be vetted as if they were plants from the media! Because the press would have a field day. Does all this seriously not sound familiar to you?"

"Yeah. No. I mean, it does." Haruka felt like a kid in the principal's office, trapped by symantics and double negatives. "Sound familiar, I mean."

"Look, I don't want to hear about this around the country club. You know all the maids talk amongst themselves about this kind of thing, and they're a lot less subtle than they think they are. We fire a maid, someone hires a maid, and then she'll literally air our dirty laundry. Do you understand?"

"Yeah." Haruka agreed quietly.

"I'm not some floozy trophy wife, as if I couldn't find ten people by tomorrow. Ugh, but that's not the point." She attempted to regain her composure. "I'm not someone who is dishonest with you or who holds back from you. I said that we're either in this together or we're not."

Their voice shook slightly, "I said I was sorry."

"But you didn't say it wouldn't happen again." Michiru was more than a little exasperated. If Haruka had called to say, 'Is it okay if I have a threesome tonight?' Michiru would've said, 'Have fun.' It didn't need to be this difficult.

"I--"

"It's so sketchy! We're their employers! We've talked about this!"

Haruka stood solemnly, not in trouble but still not sure of what needed to be said.

"I'm not mad, and if I was mad I wouldn't be mad that you slept with her, I'd be mad that it took a week for you to tell me. We have rules; you call me if something comes up." She threw up her hands in frustration. "Ugh... Let's just go back to what we used to do, and only seduce cute hotel staff and hook up with fans after our shows. That way at least the poor girls will still have jobs and their husbands or boyfriends -- girlfriends, whoever-- won't tell them to quit." That had always worked for them in the past.

"Sorry."

"We've been over this. You have to keep me in the loop... " She shook her head, amused. "She wasn't THAT cute, was she?"

"I don't know."

Playing now, Michiru asked, "You slept with her, but don't know if she was cute?"

"She was, but--"

"But?"

"It was more that she thought I was cute."

That made sense. Haruka's ego could be insatiable. Years spent thinking so little of themself made any compliment from an outside influence that much stronger.

"Couldn't it have waited? I had clothes I needed washed."

"Sorry. I... I love you. You know I love you," Haruka said, kissing her neck, and burying their face in long turquoise locks. They whined, "I would do anything for you. Please don't be mad. I can't take it when you're mad at me."

"Yeah, I know. I love you too." She was a little annoyed that they'd pull the puppy dog eyes at a time like this, but it felt cruel to keep it up any longer. "You still screwed up, though."

Haruka could be a little stunted. There was a thin line between enjoying the fun and rebellious playboy life style, the money and freedom to live exactly as they'd like with few repercussions, while still being the same person with now-fading memories of expecting to have the shit kicked out of them every time they made a mistake. Sometimes they still did what they wanted to do, but treated any calculated act of rebellion as carefully as a crime scene, anxiously expecting to pay for it dearly when the other shoe dropped, but never knowing exactly when that would be.  

Michiru blamed herself. When Michiru had been newly coming into her telepathic powers, she had tried to help clear her new battle partner's mind of pain and anxiety, and instead, may have made their sense of proportional fear and empathy a little askew. It was easy for Haruka to act when they didn't worry about consequences.

It had been done with the greatest of intentions, and the then much younger Michiru had admitted that it was experimental. Haruka had consented in the hopes that it would help.  Now, Michiru realised that pushing the memories of those traumatic events into the deepest reccesses of their mind had been a bandaid solution at best, and sometimes she worried it had done more harm than good. She had erased the worst of the details, and now she was responsible for their bravado and recklessness.

"I'm sorry," Haruka said again.

"I know, but you wouldn't have to be sorry if you thought about anything for more than three seconds before you did it." Changing the subject, Michiru held up Makoto's bloodstained shirt. "So, should I toss this or wash it?"

"We should probably try to soak it anyway."

Michiru agreed. If the shirt had belonged to them, they might have just thrown it out. They might still have to if it stained, but Michiru knew that Makoto didn't have a lot of money for clothes and would be upset if they were just tossed. They were used to money and being able to replace things easily, but she knew Mako-chan would want them to at least try. She was a clever, resourceful girl, and knowing her, she would probably try to salvage any undamaged fabric scraps for some craft project later.

"Now, I've go to go out there and act like nothing's wrong infront of Ami and Makoto. Luckily, they've got enough to deal with right now." She laughed sardonically. 'Yeah, real lucky.' "Seems you're only off the hook because Mako gave herself brain damage."

"If it helps, it wasn't anything special."

"Uh huh."

"It could've been pretty hot, except, um--"

"Ha, what? Did this one go straight for your chest?" That never went over well.

There had been one girl who had seen Haruka shirtless -- there hadn't been much to hide -- and didn't say anything or make the connection until she had reached down into the athlete's boxer shorts. Then she had been surprised and disgusted. That had been a bad day.

Haruka didn't know what was worse, being constantly reminded that someone saw them as a girl, or effortlessly passing as male and at the last second being unable to deliver. It all hurt if they thought about it long enough.

It was strange, despite their similar heights Hauka and Makoto were very different body types. Makoto was an unexpected balance; she may have had bigger muscles, but frankly, she had bigger everything, and didn't lack any feminine curves. Haruka, on the other hand, didn't have her bulk. Their frame was instead much lighter and built for speed and endurance in that way that made runners seem streamlined everywhere except for their thick thighs that pumped like pistons. Haruka had always been straight up and down for the most part, but that didn't make it any easier to be misgendered all day.

"Yeah, it was just, I dunno, weird. She was all 'Ooh I've never been with a girl before, oh sex with a woman, wow this is so feminine and female and girlie and...' Bleh! I couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't shut up about us both being wild and crazy gals. So, I kept my clothes on and could hardly look at her, it was only a minute... I would've told you but I felt all gross on top of gross about it. You know?"

It had been humilating. It hardly seemed fair, of all the things to focus on: piercing eyes, great hair, perfect skin, dashing smile, broad shoulders, strong arms -- why did the rest even matter? Haruka always felt if a girl wanted to be with a guy, then that must mean Haruka was lying to her, and if she wanted to be with a girl, Haruka was still lying to her, but the truth seemed out of reach. People wanted the racer but it felt impossible if people knew them for who they really were -- to be the object of someone's desire, more often turned out that they were the subject of someone's curiosity, instead. Either way, talking about their body always killed the mood and waiting for someone to find out on their own felt dangerous.

Multiple choice question: Are you... a) a woman b) a man c) none of the above d) all of the above

How could they be expected to answer something like that? No one ever really wanted to be with something uncategorizable.

Well, Michiru did, and she sounded every bit the art history major when she'd talk about them like they were carved out of marble. She said what always sprung to mind was 'Venus and Adonis' by Antonio Canova.

-- When Minako had heard that, she insisted that she had never looked like the statue, and argued that the poem was better. While the others argued about more common things like which was better, the manga or the anime that came out only a couple years later, these two compared statues and sonnets spanning centuries, the mythology behind their shared history, mostly laughing in agreement with how very wrong the earth kingdom's descendents had gotten things. --

The piece wasn't connected to the senshi, but the fact remained that two hundred years later, it was still a timeless thing of beauty, and when Michiru looked at Haruka she could see the same wind tossed shaggy hair, the soft features conveying that familiar aloof expression -- though the eyes were too tender for anyone to really believe they didn't care -- the tall, lean frame and boyish androgyny hidden behind a leaf like no one's fucking business. That was art. Haruka was art.

"Are you alright now?"

"Yeah, of course I am," they tried to save face, "but it wasn't worth it."

"How other people perceive you isn't really a reflection on you, you know? People kind of see what they want to see. You're not doing anything wrong."

"Reflection... Heh, mirror pun?"

"No." She laughed. "I suppose I'm not that clever." 'Though, maybe Haruka isn't either if they thought they could get anything past a psychic.' "Let's leave this to soak, and go check on the others." With a playful spank, she led the way out of the laundry room.

---

Done with her shower, Makoto left the bathroom, still nauseated. The room was spinning, and she needed to sit again. The heat from the rising steam had made her feel weak. She started dragging herself towards the living room.

It had only been a few hours since she had woken up after the accident, but already Makoto found the silence overwhelming. Even other times when things had been eerily quiet, she had still heard that buzz of white noise, her own pulse in her ears, that whoosh that a rush of blood makes -- she could hear herself and at least feel like she existed. Whenever she had other headaches she would hear that strange, dull throbbing noise, where everything was way too loud, but now there was nothing.

It was surreal, and when the pain started going away she realized that she was beginning to feeling a little isolated, even with everyone around. It was like being invisible, with everyone talking over her. She didn't remember much about waking up at the TV station, but she swore that Rei had looked right through her. She'd have to remember to ask Ami about it later.

Exhaustion hit her while she was still only halfway to the living room. She didn't want to yell again, or keep forcing her leg, so she hit the blue button on her communicator. A very concerned Ami came rushing over, nearly tripping over some of Hotaru's toys.

"What's wrong?"

Mako mumbled, "I'm just really tired." She was also in such tremendous pain that she'd noticed herself shaking a few times through out the night. On top of being shaky, her vision was a little blurry but no different than when she normally took a blow to the head, the cut on her lip still stung a little, her teeth ached and her jaw was sore from clenching it so much, she felt like she had a kink in her neck, but was afraid to crack it just yet.

She didn't want anyone to know just how far from alright she still was. She wondered if the outer senshi wanted what was left of their evening back. She had no idea how much time had passed; she couldn't focus on anything with the dizziness and the accumulation of more individual aches than she could count. She was just so emotionally drained from worrying about how things would end up but there was no reason to pour her heart out when she was already having such a hard time communicating. She was lucky; she knew that Ami was usually pretty good at guessing what she needed.

Makoto thought that tired sounded believable enough, though. She was on the verge of passing out. She wasn't sure if it was from pain or fatigue. She also felt like if she stayed here much longer she'd start crying, and didn't want anyone to see that. If she could go to sleep, maybe she could stop worrying and start fresh when she woke up.

Haruka and Michiru had suggested that wherever they ended up, it was best for Ami to stay with Mako overnight, and if she had somewhere to be or it got to be too much then to make sure the other senshi took shifts, at least until this all got figured out.

Ami and Makoto were welcome to stay at the mansion in one of their guest rooms for however long they needed but, the Outers would be leaving early and gone until late. They had to take Hotaru to school early in the morning, then Michiru had to teach a music lesson and Haruka had to check on something on one of the cars at Kameda Motors. They weren't really sure what Setsuna was going to do, but they knew she was always very busy too.

Ami wondered if Mako might feel more comfortable at home. She typed out: "Would you prefer to go home or stay here?"

"I wanna go home. If it's no trouble, I mean."

It was settled. Ami and Michiru would take care of some loose ends, and told Haruka to go on ahead and help Makoto to the car.

Outside, Makoto watched Haruka lean against the garage and nervously flick a lighter against a cigarette, using her hand to shield the small yellow flame from being extinguished by the wind.

Mako knew that Haruka only smoked when she was really stressed out. Sure, there were plenty of times she wanted to, but it wasn't worth it, not if she could potentially lose sports endorsements. It would be setting a horrible example if Hotaru ever saw, but sometimes it still felt like it was well deserved despite the risks. After all that had happened that night, Makoto realized that she must be barely holding it together.

She'd known that the Outers cared about her, but she hadn't thought that typically cool Haruka would be in shambles over her. It surprised her a bit, but she was thankful to be reminded that someone loved her so much even platonically. There had been times while she was living on the streets when she had worried that, if she perished of hunger or froze that, with her parents gone, no one would notice if she died, that she would lay there nameless and there would be no one to claim her or say a kind word once they had laid her to rest.

Makoto decided she would have to think of something to bake the Outers once she had healed, find some way to say thank you. On top of how upset Haruka was, she had also picked her and Ami up, given them full run of their home, gone back to her apartment to pick up some clothes, and now was going to drive them back.

Makoto knew that Haruka knew that she had smoked back when she was in a gang. It had definitely made her look much more menacing but once she had started to try to be better, a real hero, someone her parents would've been proud of - closer to the path she wouldve been on if they were still alive - she had stopped, for the most part anyway.

Ami and Michiru did not approve of smoking. Haruka and Makoto had often joked that their judgemental scowls were even worse than the surgeon general warnings printed on the side of the pack. Immortal or not, they'd rather not deal with the lectures. God help them if Mamoru ever found out.

However, tonight, that didn't stop Mako from holding out her hand for a smoke. Luckily, they both knew that Ami and Michiru would still be talking for some time. She snapped her fingers to get Haruka's attention, and Haruka took the small paper box back out of her jacket pocket. Makoto took the lighter and lit up a cigarette. She inhaled deeply, savouring the crisp taste of tobacco and slowly blew out that familiar grey smoke.

She hadn't smoked with Haruka in months and it was always a strangely intimate social ritual between the two. Once Haruka had snuck some expensive cigars back from tour and hadn't wanted to smoke alone. They had driven out into the country one autumn evening and sat smoking on the hood of the car while watching the sunset. They even stopped at a little road side cafe on the way back.  

It had been their little secret. They usually didn't say much during those quiet moments, but with Mako's hearing loss, it wouldn't've done them much good to say anything now either.

After a minute or two, Haruka heard Ami and Michiru coming down the path towards the edge of the driveway where the car was parked. They snuffed out what was left under their feet and kicked it to the edge of the lawn; it was dark anyway. Haruka would get up early to find the cigarette butts before Hotaru had a chance to.

With the taste fresh in her mouth, Makoto remembered the gum that Minako had given her and gave Haruka a piece. Haruka saluted her. She mouthed a quick, 'Thanks,' fumbling it out of the loose foil wrapper and popping it in her mouth.

They piled into the car, Mako's leg still bothering her. It felt much better straight than bent, but she'd be home and could sleep soon; then it would be alright. She noticed that the others must be talking again when Ami blushed and Michiru playfully slapped Haruka. Maybe it was better she couldn't hear yet, Mako decided, because knowing them, it was probably something filthy. 'Poor Ami.'

---

It would be the first night Ami had really stayed with Mako. They had sleepovers at the shrine all the time, but there was always a group of them.

Ami decided that tonight would be different. 'Mako always puts everyone else's needs first. She spends so much time making sure that everyone is comfortable and cared for, that she sometimes just goes without, but now I'm going to take care of her for a change.' It was the least she could do after screwing up so royally.

She unlocked the door while Haruka helped Mako up the stairs. Her leg was a little better but stairs were a completely different movement. Ami was so much stronger than she looked or ever got credit for, but Haruka still insisted on going with them.

"After the day she's had, all she needs is her to break the other leg when she falls down the stairs!"

Ami agreed, "My mother says that statistically most accidents do happen close the home."

Makoto winced as her foot thumped down on each step. Pain radiated all the way up her leg and hit every nerve. She was feeling dizzy again. She cringed, gritting her teeth, and hoped she wasn't whining, but she still couldn't hear herself. If she whimpered, the other two were polite enough to spare her pride and pretend she hadn't.

---

Michiru had decided to stay with the car again. It wasn't really safe to leave such an expensive vehicle in a neighbourhood like this. There were no working parking metres but plenty of 'No Parking' signs. The parking metres were bent sideways, the glass of the digital screens cracked. She assumed someone had vandalized them and hoped they'd hit the jackpot. She pictured the small silver coins pouring out and what that would mean to someone who truly had nothing. Michiru had never liked that their friend lived so far from the others and in such a dangerous area, but Makoto was strong and proved it time and time again. Tonight was no exception.

She wondered what was taking so long. She heard a siren a couple streets away and remembered why she was guarding their convertible. She wasn't worried though. She would be able to talk her way out of anything, so on the off chance a meter maid or police officer told her to move, she could just stall for a moment until Haruka came back. Even if the police looked up their files, they wouldn't find anything.

Periodically Michiru would ask favours of Ami. She would flirt and tease but realized that Ami was truly always happy to help no matter how busy she was. When it was straight research she would usually put everything else on hold and start immediately, but sometimes Michiru wanted something else.

"How good are your hacking skills?" she had asked once in hushed tones. She didn't like to take advantage of the younger girl’s good nature, but it was for the greater good.

"I can probably get in anywhere," Ami admitted shyly.

"Sometimes when Haruka and I are after a youma, but have to drive there... We might get some speeding tickets, some parking tickets, and Haruka's license is about to expire. Anything you can do for us?" she'd purred, "because we can make it worth your while..."

Ami had blushed, understanding the pretty obvious implications. She took a moment to seriously consider the offer and then made very reasonable demands. "A new computer, so I can discard the old one. I don't want this traced back to me, and depending on how difficult this is and how long it takes, a little compensation."

Michiru had smiled, proud that her little protégé knew how to negotiate, 'If she could just come out of her shell, and learn how to use sex to get what she wants, then maybe one day she'll be almost as ruthless as I am.'

She'd licked her lips a little before saying, "Well, money is no object and neither is anything else you want." Ami had tried to answer but was left weak in the knees, her breath hitching. Michiru bit her lip then asked in a breathy voice, "Is there anything else you want? Haruka can be part of the package."

Despite being a little light-headed Ami firmly rejected her advance, "No, just what I asked for, but is there anything else you wanted?"

Impressed with the counter offer and not wanting to give up her upper hand, Michiru changed tack. "Just make sure we have clear records. You can leave a misdemeanor or two so it's not obvious, and tell us which, but clean it up. I'll have one of our maids drop off your new computers. Just let me know what I owe you."

Michiru had left, leaving Ami stupefied. She'd taken the bus home and started immediately moving her files onto disks so she could get rid of the evidence. She could admit to herself that she found the whole thing flattering, and she was curious. She knew that there were few women as ravishing as Michiru, and it was true Haruka was very handsome in their own right. Either one would give her quite the story to tell, but it seemed strange to sleep with both of them, especially when they had each other and were so very experienced.

'Even if they don't really care for me, they must still be at least a little bit physically attracted to me to ask, right?' Ami thought to herself. She envisioned their hands all over her and wondered if anyone would guess what an interesting fantasy life she led.

If Michiru offered again, she would continue to politely decline, but knew that she could do much worse, and perhaps she'd check everyone's grades before throwing out the computer. She wouldn't do much maybe just turn some of Usagi's D's into C minuses. Every little bit helped.

---

Makoto spit out her gum in the small garbage can under the kitchen sink. She wondered what she had done with the first piece Mina had given her earlier. Maybe Haruka would find it in the backseat and blame Hotaru. She wondered whether Ami had taken it from her like some child who couldn't be trusted to not swallow it. Maybe she had swallowed it. Minako had given her a piece, hadn't she?

All of the things that had happened at the television station felt very unclear to her. Either way, she worried that she still smelled like smoke, so she limped to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

She looked at herself in the mirror, noticing that the swelling in her face had gone down. At least the cut on her lip had finally healed properly. She held the wall as she moved, as she had done many times before. Anyone new to her apartment probably wouldn't have noticed that only one side of the wall had any plants or frames on it. She had triple re-enforced the trim to hold her weight better -- something sticking out of the wall to catch herself on the way down before passing out. She had made a clear path from the bed to the bathroom. There were a few nights where she had had to hobble her way through with an eye swollen shut and half blind in the dark before and she wouldn't knock anything over this way.  

She changed out of the scratchy sequined halter top into a comfortable t-shirt, and spritzed herself with some perfume to mask the smell of cigarettes. What she really wanted another shower but she still didn't quite trust her leg. She had already faced one near death experience. She really didn't need the threat of Ami showing her photographs of diseased lungs -- knowing Ami, she probably did actually carry some around for this very occasion. The worst was that thing where someone had to smoke through a hole in their neck. That made her skin crawl. Even with the senshi healing, the future doctor made some very compelling arguments.

Makoto was eager to get back into some of her old routine. She believed in mind over matter, and while she actually sort of enjoyed everyone pampering her, she was going to try to do what she could to get back into the swing of things. She just needed a good night's sleep.

She had been so tired and hadn't understand why Ami kept waking her up every time she'd get comfortable enough to fall asleep in Haruka's car or in their mansion. She seemed to remember hearing something about not letting people with concussions fall asleep just in case they never woke up. She shuddered at the thought.

It had been too long a day, and knowing Ami she would probably want to keep an eye on her another couple hours, so she boiled some water. She only had instant coffee, but she knew that Ami would probably drink much worse in her career. Makoto certainly had encountered a lot of really terrible vending machine coffee while she was living on the street. It was always bitter and scalding but better than nothing.

The machine at the train station was perpetually out of milk and cream. She wondered how often they refilled the machine and if it could have expired, but it didn't matter, it was the cheapest around and she would have done just about anything to keep warm.

When there was money she had sometimes rode the subway all night until it closed for that short period between when the graveyard shift ended and the early commuters would be back. She wanted to lay on the subway grates and feel the warm air through but was always afraid if she fell asleep they would burn her in some freak accident. Sleeping out in the open would be dangerous for so many other reasons. So instead she'd just buy a disgusting coffee and wait for morning, though not a lot of places were open that late. She would often turn over the empty styrofoam cups in parking lots, looking for that one lucky cup that hadn't had the sticker-stamp peeled off yet.

Sometimes when she had been particularly hungry she'd say to someone leaving the restaurant, "Sorry to bug you but do you use your stamp card? See, I'm only one stamp away from my free coffee -- thought I had them all but it must've unstuck itself on something somehow." She could usually sucker someone into giving her theirs. A coffee wasn't expensive, but maybe the stamp didn't mean anything to them. She wasn't ready to beg for real money or eat garbage, yet anyway. She always kept an eye out for places that gave out free samples. When she did go to a restaurant she would squirrel away any condiments left out.

She'd go into her bag and think, 'When things get really bad I can always eat my little packet of ketchup, paper envelopes of sugar, single serving of strawberry jam and three individually wrapped after dinner mints.' Once she'd realized that one had slipped out of it's wrapper and gotten covered in lint. That alone had been enough to make her want to start crying. She didn't think she could possibly get any more pathetic.

Once in a while she'd go into a place with free coffee. The mechanic around the corner had one of those automatic drips. It wasn't very good but she'd fill it full of cream and sugar. She tried her best to not to look suspicious, and decided if anyone asked she'd point to a random guy and say she was just waiting for her dad's car to be ready and take off. Sometimes, she'd go act like she was going to sign up for a new bank card and say she forgot her I.D. at home and she'd have to come back. They had bottled juice and muffins. Unfortunately, they also had security guards. She'd heard they had donuts in the used car dealership waiting room across the block, but she'd definitely get caught. Maybe she looked older than she actually was, but sure didn't look like she could afford a car.

Still, she hoped that those grounds from the narrow glass jar would be good enough for Ami. If not, there was plenty of tea. She wondered if she should buy a better coffee maker. Maybe a french press for the real gourmet stuff. While she debated the perks -- ha! -- of different grinding methods, she twisted off the screw top lid and breathed in the contents of the container. It actually smelled pretty good.

Ami tried to get Mako to slow down, but she could be very stubborn. Ami took a pad of paper out of her backpack and wrote: "Don't push yourself too hard."

Makoto gestured at the cups and Ami smiled, likely admitting to herself that she could use the caffeine. She made herself at home, settling in a chair, at Mako's insistance, and Mako sat beside her.

A minute or two later, Ami jolted out of her chair, and Mako turned to see the kettle boiling over because she hadn't heard it whistling. She jumped up to try to sop it up with a dish rag and poured what was left of the hot water into the cups. She had a new worry -- how would she be able to cook if she was deaf? What would she do if she couldn't hear the timer go off on the stove either. 'Maybe hook it up to a blinking light or something?' She frowned, but had already decided she'd refuse to let this stop her. Ami was smart, she'd help her figure out something.

"Y'know, when I first got one of my uh early jobs, the guys there used to tell me not to drink coffee, that the caffeine'd stunt my growth. Wonder how tall I'd be if I could've eaten properly and didn't live off coffee."

Ami said something and laughed before remembering Makoto couldn't hear her. Makoto laughed anyway.

They spent the night writing notes back and forth sliding a notepad of lined paper across the smooth wooden tabletop. There wasn't a phone in the apartment, but Ami claimed that her mom wouldn't miss her anyway. It was more important that someone be with Mako-chan tonight. If the communicator went off in the next day or so, and she couldn’t hear it they'd be in real trouble without their heavy hitter. It was definitely better for her to have someone stay here for the next few days so she could get her rest.

That was how the normally responsible girl reasoned with herself. Beside, if her mother panicked and began looking for her, she'd probably call Rei or Usagi first and they'd have the sense to explain that Mako didn't have a phone anymore. They'd let Ami know right away too. Ami knew she had bigger problems right now. If her mom was angry, then her mom would just have to be angry, and then she'd have to get over it. Ami had fought monsters, had her best friend almost die, and still had to study for mid-terms next week.

She reassured Makoto that her hearing impairment was probably temporary. All of their other ailments seemed to clear up at superhuman speed, probably something to do with whatever minerals or energy came from Usagi's crystal. This was just taking longer because Makoto's body was healing so many injuries at once.

Makoto wrote: "Things would have been so much worse if you weren't there tonight. I'm fortunate to know such a great doctor."

She was used to speaking without much filter. She tended to be a little blunt at times though not necessarily tactless. Writing forced her to slow down and think before she expressed a thought, so before putting ink to parchment she'd sit for a second. She wasn't nervous or tongue tied, judging by the smile on Ami instead of saying the wrong things, it seemed she was saying all the right things.

Ami blushed, and added: "You know I'm not a doctor yet." Though, it was true by this point she probably had more field training than most third year residents.

Makoto thanked her for being there, tonight and always, then underlined the word always and looked at her with pleading eyes. She gulped, and started to write again. She wondered, 'How fucking hard did I hit my head? Either she'll take it as the real deal or think I'm just being weird from crackin' my head open.'

She took a risk and said, "I thought you didn't like writing notes? I thought they gave you hives?" She smiled flirtatiously.

Ami scribbled down quickly: "Not these kind of notes. Love letters." She rolled her eyes.

For a second she was having so much fun Makoto forgot all of the pain she was in. This was her chance, she could write something she could pass off as corny with a kernel of truth.

So Mako drew a heart and wrote: "My dearest Ami, you are always the best part of my worst days. PS: I'm glad I don't give you hives."

Ami was rather touched by the absurd sentiment, even if she was teasing her. She giggled behind her hand.

Makoto was sad she couldn't hear her laugh but it didn't matter, she knew they were laughing together.

Ami took the pen, but was stumped. She couldn't think of anything to write that would top that. Instead, she moved her chair over and hugged her, bunching the fabric of Mako's shirt tight in her balled fist. She kept her pulled close and buried her face against her shoulder, burying her face in her long brown hair. She was embarrassed that she noticed it smelled more like Michiru's shampoo rather than her usual brand. She gasped, mortified when she picked up on the lingering and faintly metallic scent of blood.

Memories of the station instantly reminded Ami of why she had to act, why she felt she needed to make up for lost time, to make up for her grave mistake earlier, and so she took the opportunity to whisper the shaky words, "I-I think I'm falling in love with you. I have been for a long time."

She waited. The confession hadn't broken a spell and cured her, but neither girl was any worse off. Makoto felt her unease and lay her hand against her back, a little unsure herself what would come next. It had been a trying day for both of them. Ami promised herself, the next time she'd say it, she would say it for real, and that Mako would hear it and maybe say it back. For now this was all she could muster -- it was out there now, even in some small way, and that would have to be enough.

Relieved, that Mako was acting no differently, she pulled away.

Mako just smiled and wrote: "I'm tired. Bed soon? Wake me if I can't hear the alarm for class?" She knew that even if she felt one hundred percent better when she woke up (which she didn't think she would), she still wouldn't be going to school tomorrow. She'd have Ami call the school, and work if she wasn't back to normal by then. Ami nodded in agreement. Makoto was thankful that she didn't have any shifts for two more days, and even then might call in sick, but she thought that she could still try to impress Ami by seeming scholarly, even with a broken leg and hearing loss. If Mako still seemed focused on going to class then  would appear like she was devoted to her academics, and she'd still come off as really tough.

She grinned to herself, 'Kino you sly fox!' Makoto saw Ami noticing her smile, and quickly made up an excuse. "Just happy you're here, that's all."

Ami was sure Makoto hadn't heard her declaration, but had anticipated that if she had, she would have to own up to it. Nevertheless, she was grateful to have more time to figure this out. She appreciated her own good sense in not hashing out an all night conversation about feelings when Mako couldn't even properly reply. She helped tidy up, washing the few dishes in the sink. She tore the pages from their metal coil, putting the used sheets of paper into the garbage and her notebook back into her schoolbag for the morning.

"Oh," Mako started, unable to judge her own volume, "Can you--" Her shoulders drooped. She had been about to ask Ami to open the window if it rained, because she found the sound soothing, but had realized all too quickly that she wouldn't be able to hear it after all. "Nevermind."

Makoto stretched her tall strong frame, mindful of her leg and yawned. She changed into pyjamas and got ready for bed. Ami watched as she took her hair out of it's high ponytail and brushed it. She could see her in a reflection in a cheap glass picture frame that threw a lot of glare. 'She's so beautiful. Even after everything that's happened.'

Makoto held out an older shirt that was too small for her, but still too big on Ami, for her to sleep in. Ami bit her lip, noticing that it smelled like her Mako -- like flowers and baked goods, and just a hint of petrichor. Makoto crawled into bed, and a moment later Ami climbed in beside her, careful to not touch her. Mako turned to her and said, "GOOD NIGHT!" just a little too loudly.

Ami couldn't help but let out an exasperated laugh and wonder what the hell she was getting herself into. She lay awake and Mako fell asleep almost immediately, looking very peaceful. Ami didn't know how someone with so much pain could look so serene. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into the brunette’s arms, but instead willed herself to inch away, then rolled onto her side, facing away from her and waited for morning. She rubbed her eyes not sure if they were watering for want of sleep or from the terrible day.

The light was still on, like Makoto had asked. "'Cause you don't know the lay out of the place, and if we both have broken legs, nothin'll get done around here. I've had enough of nurse Mina for a life time." She'd laughed.

Ami must have drifted off, because she woke up a few hours later, feeling as though a tree, maybe a mighty oak, had fallen on her. She was pinned in the faintly lit room and it took her a second to reacquaint herself with her surroundings. She had forgotten that she wasn't in her own bed and that she wasn't alone. Mako had shifted in the night and decided to lay spread out like a starfish across the mattress, inevitably trapping her. Ami freed herself, and the sleeping giant shifted again without opening her eyes.

"Mm...Ami" Mako mumbled, still deep in a dream.

Notes:

   Apologies! I had meant to post this sooner but life got in the way. This chapter was originally even longer but I decided to split it into two sections.

   Next up: We will revisit Rei and Mina's reaction to nearly losing Jupiter, as well as following up on some of Makoto's healing process. It's possible that Ami is not quite as together as she seems.

[thepinkwriterr]

Loner // IT 2017 Chapter Twenty - Three

Joy division - Disorder

--

I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand

Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?

These sensations barely interest me for another day,

I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.

It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand,

On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it's a no man's land,

Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,

I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.

//

Danielle's POV

Saturday.

I was awoken at two a.m. by a knocking my window. I groaned, rolling over. If this is Bill again, I'm gonna kill him. I stood angrily and opened the window. It was Eddie and Bev.

"What do you need?" I asked curtly. "You wanna go to the lake with us?" Bev asked. "What? The lake? At 2 a.m?" I exclaimed. "Yeah!" He laughed.

"I-is Richie gonna be there?" I asked, my voice breaking at the thought of seeing him. "Of course. Why?" I shrugged. Well now I have to go. If I don't it'll be suspicious.

I sighed. "Alright. Let me get changed real quick!" I turned, pulling shorts over my underwear. I looked down at my tank top as I heard hushed yells from the lawn. "Hurry up!" That was Stan. I groaned, shoving my feet into some vans.

"Coming!" I climbed out of the window, then shut it behind me. I got down from the tree and made my way across the grass. I met with the teens, pilling into Richie's car. "Shotgun!" Eddie called, running to the passenger seat.

"Get in the back Eddie." Richie popped his gum. "What? Why?" Eddie asked, looking hurt. Richie exhaled through his nose as if Eddie had told him a joke,"Because that's Dani's spot." My face broke into a sharp blush.

"Eddie, just take the front seat." "Noooooo! It's yooouuurrr spot!" He threw his arms up, climbing into the back seat. Stan and Ben never left the car, and Bev and Eddie were already in the car, leaving me alone on the lawn.

I huffed, then climbed into the passenger seat. Richie didn't even look at me. I gripped my right bicep with my left hand, looking down at my arm.

The only sound being made in the car was Eddie, Stan, and Bev in the backseat, arguing, mixed with the gentle hum of F.M radio. As we drove, the only light was from the overhead street lamps and the pale moon.

As we turned down Harris, the moon shone on Richie's center console. Held in the narrow storage compartment next to his gear shift were his cigarettes, red lighter, and Lighting Crashes on cassette.

The sight should've made me happy, but it didn't. It filled me with an empty, somber light. He listened to the tape still, I could tell. The paper stuck on the front, holding the penned title, was slightly dirty and the pen was smudged.

He still listened to the tape, he had kissed me, but he couldn't even spare me a look. I think about that kiss more than I should. More than healthy. I think about his soft lips on mine, his beautiful words spared seconds before he bestowed his lips.

Every time I think about the kiss I get filled with the same empty feeling as when I saw the tape. I wish I could take that day back. No... don't say that... I thought. Maybe-

My thoughts were interrupted by the car slamming to a halt. "We're here, delinquents!" Richie laughed, twisting his key out of the ignition.

We made our way to the large body of water. I crouched down, running my hand through the clear water. It wasn't freezing, but it was unwelcomingly cold. It was cold and unkind; but it held the ability to be rigid and far colder than it led on. Like Richie.

"Is she warm?" Stan asked in a stupid voice, crouching beside me. I laughed, looking up at him,"It's not bad." "So, you and Bill broke up, huh?" "Yeah...A little bit ago. I guess it was for the best." I shrugged.

He rested his hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes,"I'm sorry for what he did. But he is really sorry." I sighed,"I know. But don't think you can convince me to get back with h-" "No, no. I wouldn't. I agree you should've broken up. He made an asshole move."

I sighed again. "I know..." "Hey girl," Beverly smiled, making her way over to us. She kicked the dirt up a bit with the tip of her sandals. "Ready for a dip?" "A dip? I didn't know we were swimming..."

She laughed,"Of course. It's a lake. What did you think was gonna happen?" I shrugged. Eddie and Ben came over, laughing. "You ready?" Ben asked Beverly. She nodded, stripping off her crop top and pants. She flung her jelly sandals off, thrusting them into Stan and I.

Stan laughed, taking off his shirt. He carefully folded it, then did the same with his kakis. I rolled my eyes at his caution. I looked around for Richie, not seeing him anywhere.

"You guys ready?" Richie asked, yanking his shirt off as he ran. My breath hitched in the back of my throat at the sight of him stripping. His skin was pale, freckles dotting across his torso. He took off his vans, then jeans. He was left in a pair of Hawaiian boxers.

The entire group burst into laughter. "What?" He looked around, confused. "What's so funny?" Beverly wiped a tear from her eye,"Your boxers! I've never seen that!" She laughed through her words. The woman was hysterical.

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes,"You're just jealous of all this!" He threw his hands, showing his lean body off. They all laughed again. He took his glasses off, setting them on top of his clothes.

They all jumped in, laughing. As Richie's laughter rang through my ears I felt my eyes sting. My eyes were pricked with tears as I stared at my friends. I wonder if they're all as miserable as I am. If they're just hiding it. Masking it with whatever the fuck we're doing.

I mean, it would all make sense. Ben's in love with Bev still, Bill isn't even here, Eddie's mom is ruining him, Richie's parents couldn't give less of a shit about him, and Stan still gets made fun of everyday for being Jewish.

And then there's me. I cut my best friend off because she's dating my brother. I like one of my friends so much I would do anything for him. I really have no other friends, and my brother probably hates me.

"You comin' in Danielle?" Beverly asked, looking up at me. I sighed. I really didn't want to get half naked around Richie. What if he thinks my body's ugly? "Uh...I don't know...I'm kinda-uh-cold." "Oh come on, you can think of a better lie than that!" Bev joked. "Yeah, Come on in!" Ben exclaimed.

"Uh-okay..." "Yay!" Ben, Beverly, Stan and Eddie cheered. I slid my shorts off, then pulled my tank top off. I was left in a lacey white bra and red panties.

I walked into the water, feeling the cold river liquid surround me. I laughed as Eddie jumped on my back. He sunk my head under the water, then let me back up. I splashed him, hearing him laugh. Then started an all out splashing war.

Richie's POV

I sat up in bed, the same unfulfilled feeling in my chest. I reached over to the night stand, taking my Marlboro's off the wooden desk. I pulled out a skinny cigarette and put it in-between my lips. I lit it, inhaling.

Not even the feeling of the smoke filling my lungs got rid of the feeling. I stubbed the cigarette out, then stood up. I walked down the hall to the kitchen. I picked up the phone receiver from the hanging phone on the wall. I dialed Bev. I waited about a minute before she answered.

"Who the hell-" "Save it. We're going to the lake. I'll be at yours in fifteen minutes. We'll pick everyone up." I hung up, then rushed up the stairs. I slid my jeans over my boxers. I pulled a shirt over my thin torso, then put on my shoes.

I grabbed my Marlboro's and red lighter, then went down to my car. I sat for a second, relishing in the empty feeling. I drove to Bev's as fast as I could.

As I pulled onto Oak Road I thought about that day in detention with Danielle. That was the day she gave me the tape. There hasn't been a day that I don't listen to it at least once.

We waited abut five minutes before she appeared on the lawn. Eddie called for shotgun. I was going to let him have it for once, but I saw her.

She looked so beautiful. Her layered hair being picked up by the subtle wind, her lithe frame, her beautiful face. Everything about her is perfection. Oh my god...What are you thinking? She's your sisters best friend!

"Get in the back Eddie." I popped the gum in my mouth. He protested, but ultimately got in the back with everyone else. The real reason I called everyone was Danielle.

I wanted to see her. I knew the feeling in my chest was from her. The lack of seeing her. God, I missed her. And I saw her yesterday. What the fuck is happening to me?

Everyone laughed at me when I took of my pants, revealing my Hawaiian boxers. Except Danielle. I jumped in regardless, not really caring what they thought of my choice of underwear. No ones opinion mattered. Except Danielle's. She was always the exception.

I noticed she hadn't jumped in with us. "Hey, Bev, tell her to get in." I nudged Beverly, whispering to her. She nodded. Danielle was eventually prodded into joining us.

I watched in silence as she stripped herself of clothing. Her shorts came off, exposing her bare legs. They were tuat and long. She pulled off her shirt, revealing the rest of her body.

The pale moon hit her shoulders, giving her an inhuman glow. She was beautiful. Her bra straps dug into her shoulders, encapsulating her breasts. God, what I would give to see her, sans underwear. I bet it's even more beautiful.

Danielle's POV

After about half an hour in the lake, we decided to get out. I shivered as I stood from the lake. "W-what t-time is it?" I shuddered as a bush of wind hit me.

"About 2:45." Eddie answered. "W-we should get going soon..." I rubbed my arms in a petty attempt to warm myself. "Why?" Ben asked. "Is Princess scared about sneaking out?" Richie whispered in my ear. I nodded. "Awe, why? First time?" He asked, puckering his bottom lip.

I nodded again. "Wait, really?" He asked, brows furrowed. "Yeah...I never really had any friends to do it with." I shrugged.

Richie's POV

My heart twinged at her words. I know how it feel to be alone. I was so lonely before I met the losers. I'm still lonely. I bet I wouldn't be lonely if I had her in my arms...

Danielle's POV

I felt a real break though with Rich. He was being...nice. Well, nice for Richie. We all gathered around a make-shift fire pit Bev made. Stan set up the fire and we all sat back around it.

Arms crossed at my chest, I still shivered, hunched over slightly. "Cold?" Richie whispered in my ear. Every time he does that I feel my heart stop momentarily.

I nodded frantically. "Hold on." He stood, walking over to his car. He came back with a jean jacket. "It's not much," He put it on over my shoulders,"But, here." I slipped my arms through the sleeves, feeling the warmth from my body reach the fabric.

"Thanks Rich." He nodded coldly. Great. We're going backward. Again! I slumped my head between my shoulder blades, rolling my eyes.

Beverly started telling us a story about her and Kali. The way she described her made me miss her so much...

We left the lake about twenty minutes later, most everyone agreeing it was too late to be out. Richie was very vocal about his disagreement, but we didn't really care. We were all tired.

Ben's house was first. We dropped him, then Stan. Bev's apartment was further than I remembered. When we dropped her off, it was just the three of us.

Eddie turned to me, ranting about how we deserved an A, not an A minus, on our history project. I had gotten used to his incessant bitching, but it was starting to annoy me.

I guess I wasn't the only one, as Richie threw his head back, groaning. "Shut up Eddie!" He exclaimed. I turned to him,"It is a little annoying..." I scratched the back of my neck, not wanting Eddie to be upset.

The rest of the trip to Eddie's was silent. He waved goodbye to us as he walked down the street. I looked back as Richie's pulled away, seeing Eddie sneaking back into his window.

Oh, that dreaded silence... Why, oh why, did I have to be last? Richie hadn't uttered another word since we said goodbye to Eds.

He pulled up to the curb of my house. I sighed, then unbuckled my seat belt. "See ya Monday." He nodded coldly, again. Why was he always so distant? It's like he chose when he liked me. One minute he did, he was kissing me, giving me his jacket, the next, he didn't. He was giving me dirty looks, knocking books from my hands, not even sparing me a fleeting glance.

I sighed in anger, opening the door. I slammed it behind me, not caring about the level of noise I created. I made my way to my window, sneaking back in. To hell with Richie Tozier.

[deafeningdespair]

Manic Depressive Disorder.

DISCLAIMER, this article contains profanity and graphic content. Reader discretion is advised.

-----------------

~ Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing. I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something I could take to ease my mind slowly. "Just have a drink and you'll feel better." "Just take her home and you'll feel better." Keep telling me that it gets better. Does it ever? Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up - no medicine is strong enough. Someone help me, I'm crawling in my skin. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. I'm looking through my phone again, feeling anxious. Afraid to be alone again, I hate this. I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh. Is there somebody who could help me? It's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up - no medicine is strong enough. Someone help me. I'm crawling in my skin. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood. I need somebody now, someone to help me out. I need somebody now. Help me, it's like the walls are caving in. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can't - it isn't in my blood.

- Shawn Mendes, In My Blood.

*

Okay, y'all, here goes.

Lately, I've been feeling down, kinda lost. I've felt like my heart is quite literally breaking inside of my fucking chest and those stupid little shards are getting lost in my blood stream, slowly making their way through my veins. It's painful and nauseating. They're slicing me open from the inside and eventually, I'll just be lying on the bathroom floor, bleeding out, and the worst part of it all is that I can't even cry out in pain or call for help because there's these massive hands gripping my throat. They're choking me, shaking me, bruising me as the voices in my head scream at me that I'm too weak to fight off the hands or the pain or even the fear. The voices tell me that I deserve what I'm getting and that I'll be getting this exact treatment for the rest of my life.... which, by the way, will only be a few more seconds - because, well, don't forget about the shards tearing me apart from the inside.

It feels like I am dying.

But I'm not.

I suffer from M A N I C depression - which is just a fancy way of saying that I am B I P O L A R ..... only, there's more to it than that, right? Well, yeah, there's more to it than that.

A major misconception about bipolar disorder is that one can go from feeling happy to mad or sad, and so on and so forth..... but that's not true. That's a mood swing, and I don't have mood swings. I have manic depression, remember?

Sometimes, I have highs, and let me tell you something - when I have those highs, I fucking /have/ those highs. I'm on top the world! I feel so free and H A P P Y. I could cry these big, whopping alligator tears full of joy and excitement. Whenever I have these epic highs, it's like I'm a goddamn princess with this flashy gold tiara that's lined with the most beautiful and precious diamonds and rubies, and there's thousands of people throwing white roses and orange tulips at my feet while they bow down to me and.... well, I'm sure you get the picture.

^ THAT is the "mania" part.

Mania (noun) | ma·nia \ ˈmā-nē-ə , -nyə \ - - excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of mood • excessive or unreasonable enthusiasm. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Think on that for a second.

Now, when I have my lows, I'm nothing short of a natural disaster. Miley Cyrus says it perfectly, I come in like a wrecking ball. I'm destructive with no regard to anything or /anyone/ else. I'm like a hurricane - no, a tsunami. I crash in unexpectedly and drown everyone, I leave debris scattered about recklessly, and do you have any idea what the best but worst part about that is? It's the fact that I don't even care. I couldn't give two whole shits about the people standing in my path that I'm destroying, and that just makes it all worse. As much as I want to care about them and save them, I physically and mentally C A N N O T.

^ THAT is the "depression" part (in case you have no idea what depression is, see below).

Depression (noun) | de·pres·sion \ di-ˈpre-shən , dē- \ - - a state of feeling sad : dejection • anger, anxiety, and depression : a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

If you're feeling frisky and you wanna do some reading on what bipolar disorder is, I'll help you out. Click this guy > here < and it'll tell you all you need to know.

But if you'd rather hear the short version, keep on reading my mess.

Basically, I can go weeks feeling the mania. I can be nothing but happy for days on end, for months even. I'm that happy, peppy, silly (and let's face it, obnoxious) Alex you all know and love.... but then, suddenly, almost like literally flipping a switch, I'm broken. I'm surrounded in darkness and it's eating me up. I don't know how long it will last, and there's really no way to pull me back to the light, just like there was no reason for my demons to even surface in the first place.

When I get in these moods, I like to joke about it because it's the only way I know how to cope. When you ask what's wrong, I simply say with a weak giggle, "I'm just emotional today." but we all know that it's more than that.

So, what I'm getting at here is this - please stop making me feel like I'm this stupid little girl that just thinks she's sad for a minute. Don't tell me to smile or get over it - I'm fucking TRYING and it's not working. Don't ask me a million questions because truthfully, I can't even remember what my name is half the time. Don't even tell me that it's going to be okay because I know that's just what people say when they've run out of nice things to say, and I also know that things w i l l n o t be o k a y. I'll feel better eventually, I'll have a high again - but you know what they say? What goes up, must come down.

What can you do to help? Just accept me for who I am, love me through my chaos, and hold my hand when I ask.

I'll leave you all with this final quote...

"Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing."

David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family *

[lovestellarflare-blog]

centuries later now, after you gave Mina her ascension 

to see what destiny she builds for herself, it appears

your sweet Mina has a very different concept of loyalty

than yours. She sees your loyalty as betrayal. your

friendship as a waste of her time and attention...

she made you feel special and like you mattered

somehow...but now you see that you really don’t. you

never did. the one you look up to and think the world of

sees you as a waste of everything. now i know how that

crybaby onision felt in the army, when he had a mental 

breakdown for the same reason. you learned something

valuable from mina’s ?friendship? with you....

you can try your best to be nice, to be a good person, to

be caring and generous, and appreciate someone ....

but that won’t stop them from treating you like garbage

you don’t even have the will to feel bad for yourself now

you were naive enough to think you had more value than

evil people. but in mina’s eyes you are exactly like them.

worthless. you are wasting your energy trying to be 

better than others, surpass them morally, and have a good

life. loyalty is beautiful because it’s worthlessly wasted 

in the end. true love expects nothing in return because it

gets nothing in return. i suppose i always knew this would

happen, and mina would leave me without looking twice

or back. i just chose never to believe it. now it makes no

difference what i believe. i always thought i was a realist

haha, turns out that was just my cursed mask, after all

i’m as naive as they come. but my heart wasn’t the source

of my power, that’s where mina underestimated me.....

she may have stolen my heart, but that didn’t take my

kindness away, or my decency, or my love. it only made 

me stronger. my heart was holding me back, like ‘humanity’

now it’s dead. she killed it before i was even born. she

can feast on it, all she likes. I am sure the last drops are

especially tasty to her. i suppose that’s the penalty i pay

as a ‘normal’ for making a pact with a goddess. even now

i have no idea who the ‘strong’ one is...who abused who

or which one took advantage of the other. and i don’t even

know how to say I’m sorry.

anyway, i still care about her like she’s my family.

it’s who i am. i accept myself. being upset that i’m the 

way i am, is pointless. i don’t wanna change to be like

‘other people’. and i don’t care what people think about

my relationship with Mina/Tessa....i am still hers. always

and not because i’m ‘desperate’ or ‘’afraid to be alone’

i’m capable of making my own choices, and she’s still

my choice. not that i could ever ‘give up’ on her. she’s

amazing. and even if she was as boring and plain as me

she’s still your everything. of course if you lose your 

memory, you won’t know how i feel about her, you may

forget like she forgot what happened centuries ago when

she made that pact with you from wonderland. so you’ll

probably have this choice again, of whether to keep her

in your life (technically, she IS your life) or whether to be

your typical wreckless, selfish, spoiled, arrogant, bitter, 

hurt, self-centered you...the one you always try not to be.

w/e you choose i cannot hold you back, i just want you 

to do me one favor. even if in absence of your present

memories and feelings, you decide your life is too stupid

to bring meaning (mina) into it, that you’ll watch over her.

even if you don’t know her, or care, or feel enough to give

a damn, do it for me, please. i don’t think i’ve ever begged

you a favor, for urself, but i’ll get over my pride, for her.

treat her like she’s the love of your life. die for her safety

if u must. don’t ever let her feel as alone as you’ve felt

much of your life. she revived you too many times for you

to just leave her. if you don’t care about my feelings, then

do it for honor. you have a moral debt to her, none of your

hurt emotions can override. you’ll have countless chances

to feel pain, and be hurt through feelings, trust me. but you

only have one chance to lead an honorable, noble life. and

i’ve done everything i could and more to give  you that life.

you have a heritage that i’ve always dreamed of having, of

giving it to you.....you may not have had the ideal perfect 

relationship with her, but having failed her, and that goal..

you have the perfect honor that you always worked towards

you are noble, though imperfect. maybe you will become

perfect in our new life i can’t see yet, or maybe you will lose

your honor, but become perfect for Mina and ur relationship

w/ her....maybe that’s your destiny. first half of ur life, the

childhood/war was just growing up and becoming a warrior

the second half could be having a beautiful family, that 

mina is to you. or why knows, maybe it’s that new war of the

worlds i keep seeing reflected in the Spear, but this time you’re

not fighting alone, you have Mina by your side, and Anna is 

your daughter/war comrade, and you train her to be a true 

cat princess, and be everything you couldn’t be or become.

she will have the ideal life you always wanted but never got..

just because one european sovereign is crushed, doesn’t 

mean another has to follow your mistakes. You’ll guide Anna

to become the perfect Sovereign you could never be...she is

wise, kind, gentle, uncruel, honest, loving, a perfect being

you’ll make her your heir for the greater european realm (E+W)

since you’re kinda spiraling off into madness and damnation

btw. you have Borderline Personality Disorder. Yaaaay!

Hope u’r cured, hisshiss.

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons pt 2

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Slight Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

This will be a multi chapter series with fluff, smut, angst, all the things

A/N: Be kind, it’s my first time writing smut 

Not of Billy himself, but scared of the reputation he had with girls. Nancy had told me all about Billy's reputation after she found out he drove me home from the party. I was scared that Billy had brought me out here to have sex with so he could move onto the next girl he found interesting. I was scared of how he'd react when he saw that my body was covered in scars. Scars I had put on myself whenever I needed to escape the crap in my head that nagged at me about my weight or about nobody caring for me. I was scared that he would freak out and the whole school would know again and nobody would leave me alone about it. My palms grew sweaty as Billy parked the Camaro and swung himself out of the car. Silently, I followed suit, exiting the car to join him in leaning against the hood, excuses forming in my mind.

"Billy I-"

"I've never brought anyone out here before." He looked at me, eyes soft. "I usually come out here to get away from all the bullshit."

My shoulders dropped, releasing the tension that had been building up and stepped into his side, leaning into his shoulder. Billy sighed and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, setting one on his lip and flicking out a lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag off it, letting the smoke slowly curl out from his lips before offering it to me.

I took the cigarette in between my fingers and took a deep breath, letting the smoke out as I spoke, "Billy, you know you can always come to my place. My mom works nights so if you need someone to talk to..." I started to get nervous and played with the sleeve of my jacket.

He chuckled next to me, taking his cigarette back, "careful Princess, I'll take you up on that. You’re very easy to talk to.." he added quietly.

We sat there for a while, looking into the trees and chain smoking while talking. This time we talked about what we wanted out of our futures, Billy couldn’t wait to leave Neil’s grasp but he wasn’t sure where he wanted to go. He thought he’d be great working with cars, he’s done all the work on his Camaro - partially because he didn’t trust anybody else to touch his baby and he also just liked the work. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, no job had ever really called to me but I did want to travel everywhere I could. 

He took one more drag before stomping out the cigarette and curling me in front of him, sighing and kissing my forehead. My eyes closed and I pressed my face into him. One of Billy's hands grabbed the side of my face as his lips worked their way down to mine. He stopped, lips parted, just a breath away from my lips and looked at me through thick eyelashes.

"Billy.." I breathed. And then he crushed his lips to mine. I hummed against his mouth, hands running up his naked chest and around his neck. My fingers twirled into the curls on the back of his head and I lost myself in the kiss. Billy held my face between his hands, and licked at my bottom lip. Our tongues crashed together once I opened my mouth for him, tasting each other. Slowly, he moved his hands down and started kissing down my face and onto my neck, sucking just under my jaw. I gasped and moaned into him, sliding one of my hands down the front of his chest.

"Fuck princess, I need to have you," Billy groaned, slipping his hands into my jacket to try to pull it off.

And then I was back in my head, panicking. My heart was pounding and my hands started shaking as I pushed my hand into Billy's chest, breaking away from him. I stepped back from him panting, mind racing, I couldn't stop thinking about the marks on my skin ranging from new red to old white and all the chunky parts of myself that I detested. But I also couldn’t stop the heat in my body that reacted to how badly I wanted him.

Billy looked at me, eyebrows scrunched together, "Cat? What's wrong..?"

Thinking quickly I readjusted my jacket up my shoulders and held up a hand, "nothing Billy, just uh.. girl things." He nodded. "I'll make you feel good, just uh.. nothing for me." I smiled and shrugged at him taking his hand in mine and giving it a squeeze before dropping to my knees in front of him.

He watched me through heavy eyelashes as I slid my hands up his legs to undo his belt buckle and unzip his jeans. I stared up at him innocently and slid Billy's pants down past his hip bones exposing his growing cock as I licked my lip. Slowly I flicked my tongue along the underside of his head, hearing a small groan in response. I lightly teased his cock with my tongue and lips, kissing and licking along his length before sucking his tip into my mouth, humming.

Billy sighed and placed one hand on the back of my head, "fuck Princess," he hissed as I lightly slid my teeth off his head. I smirked up at him before sinking my mouth onto him, one hand on his leg for support, the other gripping at the base of his penis. Slowly I slid up and down his cock, listening to Billy’s groans above me. He started to swear as I picked up my pace and started using his hand to thrust my face into him forcefully, choking me as he thrust into my throat. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as I tried to breathe and not gag. I pushed myself off him for long enough to take a couple deep gasping breaths before letting him continue his brutal pace. Billy’s thrusts got more erratic before he groaned and held my face to the base of his dick and came down my throat, lightly thrusting. I pulled off of him, gasping and wiping the tears from my eyes and smiled at him. Billy pulled his pants back up, zipping and buckling them before grabbing my hand and the side of my face and helping me up. 

He pulled me into his chest and tucked his face into my hair, holding me there, “holy shit,” he mumbled. “You’re amazing,” he praised as he stroked my hair. I smiled and breathed in his scent, both of us relaxing into each other’s arms.

[unchartedskin]

To God & To you.

Hello, it’s me again. I know. I’ve been visiting way to often, but I’ve lost my place again you see. From hollowed pathways, to busy halls. From lonely sleepless nights, to social church gatherings. I can’t seem to find my distance from everyone. And the one person I’ve always comforted in, has brought to my attention the need to run away from me. So here, I am. Seeking solace. God it’s me. If you’re hearing this. I need to know. I need to know if you’re there. My heart beats so loudly, I’m sure it’s left a bruise on my chest. When it’s raining, I’m not quite sure whose screams are louder; mine or your thunders? God, I don’t know if I can lead people into your presence, when I’m running away from everyone else. I want to hold it close to me, the moments when I worship & praise. Is that selfish God? To want to keep it close to me. I don’t think I’m good Lord. But I don’t understand why all these things keep coming to me when I don’t want them. Leading praise in YAG. God you know how much my anxiety hits when that happens, God you’ve seen at how badly I screw it up. When they ask me to act? God you know how much my heart stops. I can’t do it Lord. I don’t want to. Because as much as they say a wasted talent, Lord I’m nothing. I could bring nothing to you that you don’t already have. I want to enjoy going to church & not feel so stress about everything & anything. God I need your strength more than ever before. Your confirmation, your will. Lord, I’m failing miserably aren’t I? At this whole loving thing. I’ve always been better off alone haven’t I God? I’ve always been good at self-destruction without ever needing consent from anyone. But God, He’s given me permission. To ruin my life & he won’t get in the way. Oh, God, don’t get my wrong. I still believe he’s a part of you, the one I’ve always begged you for. But lord, he’s forced me not to care. I’ve felt my heart ripped in two, was it so difficult to tell me you need to be alone? God, I don’t understand. All I wanted was a little love & some understanding. A little empathy & company. It’s funny because I never thought it would be true, Guys would say anything & everything just to get the girl & once it gets too difficult & too “out of the way”, suddenly we’re the crazy ones, because we want consistency. But well, that’s life huh.. nothing good ever lasts. God, I somehow feel like if I give my body to a man, he’ll want me more. But that’s not the case now is it? He could throw me away like I was nothings & he did the moment he laid next to me leaving fingerprints all over my body, the next thing I know he was saying that was never what he wanted, God I lost nights of sleep trying to decipher what that even mean. And i got it, Men. They can have you whenever they please, But God forbid, we women want the same. I’m embarrassed, broken-hearted, confused & out of my head. God. If this is your will. Please give me the strength. And God if it’s not. Please take it away from me. Please Lord, make it easier on the both of us. God, I’ve always been so used to taking care of everyone around me, I could go days without eating & no one would even realise. I could work Everyday & not sleep. I could head to school like a zombie & no one would realise my body disintegrating. Nothing ever leaves us does it God? God are you there? Do you hear me? It’s me, your child. Is it too late? Can I come home now? God.. I want to rest in your arms, lay my head on your shoulders & tell you all about hell on earth. God, I’m lost & confused. Someone once told me that the I could only love & never be loved. God. I’m starting to think that’s true. I’m starting to think I’ll never get over this eating disorder. I’m starting to think I’ll never go a week without purging at least once. Without ever restricting myself from so much food. I’m starting to think I’ll never be able to sleep without feeling the emptiness in my stomach. I’m starting to think I’ll always rely on alcohol & pills to sleep & get through the night. I thought I could confide in him God but I can’t. I remember Lord, telling my Friend, that maybe he could be the one to help me, after all he did tell me he could? So why is it my fault that I believed in him too much? I thought he could be the one to save me, but if I can’t even save myself what more him?Lord, help me be the Esther to your kingdom & to him. I want to fight my battles my own. I don’t want to owe him anything. God, I wanna be my own. And since I’m not the lucky ones. I’ll pave my own way. In my life, in my relationship. God, if you’re hearing this. If you could. If you can, if you will, Can I come home now Father?

To the one I’ve grown to love & admire. The one I i want to call my own. Despite everything, I still want to fall into your arms & cry into your veins when I can’t sleep. When my stomach hurts & it’s emptiness starts yelling at me. When the back of my eyes are forced to layer itself with ache. I still want to run to you. You promised I could run to you. Yet here I am, in the middle of the night. Forcing myself to run, a w a y from you. I wish we could both understand it somehow, a part of me wishes we were like our friends where everything is shallow. At least then we have something to blame it on other then ourselves. Sometimes I wish I had a shallow reason to be with you, such as money or looks or smth. Something on a whole other then the fact that I love you. I just simply love you for who you are. Because then, it’s hurt much much lesser. Now, all I’m thinking is if I lose you, I’m losing my Best Friend & lover. Half of me & everything. I wish I had something else to cling on. I’ve concluded, you can run how far away you want, I’ll just be here. If you leave, I’ll be in the same place you found me two years ago. Maybe I’ll be more beautiful, maybe I’ll be more confident. Maybe a different girl? But no matter how far you go, I believe what’s mine will be mine. So no matter what. You’ll always have a place beside me, a hand to hold. Because no matter how much you hide. One day whatever that’s in the dark will come to light. And when that happens. I promise I will not judge, I will Not banter. I will Hold you. I will take care of you & I will love you. Doesn’t matter how many more silent meals we have, I will brave the storms with you, in silence or in loud pursuit. I will not make you choose between sleep or me, I will not make you choose between Soccer or me. I will not be affected of how I am the last in your priority list. I will not be sad that you will choose everyone else over me, That you love everyone else over me. I will take this heartbreak you’ve given me & mould myself into a better women, for myself & No one else. I hope one day we can be the man & women God has called us to be. And you will be the man I need, and I will be the women you need. Till then, I will hold on to the hope that we were made for each other. Elijah.. Aravin. If I lose you because I’ve been too hard on the love that I want to receive from you. I hope the next women that comes along is easy for you. I pray she takes on whatever you give. And I hope you realise, how much I really do love you & How much, all that I wanted is to be loved by you the ways only I know how. Till then, Come at me bro, I’ll be here. Oh, how far we’ve come. From me being someone you’ve wanted & dreamt. From you telling me that you will not break me because I’m a diamond, to you telling me I need to do this alone. To you not needing me, not wanting me to need you. I’ll be strong. Thank you for showing me what love is & isnt. God’s will or not. Thank you, For simply being you.

if you’ve read this far, I know you still love me. Send me the 3Oclock emoji. If you didn’t, well Eccleshia, Life’s a bitch get over it

To the two of you, With all the love & respect, heartache & confusion,

Your princess.