#let me not get too deep into it cause ik a lot of ppl on here cant read but this is literally not the same fucking thing as racists

[robotpussy]

anyways there really is too much interracial couples with white ppl propaganda going on rn cause I've been seeing white ppl left and right for MONTHS claim any black person either critiquing the abundance of this existing in media rn because it is not only a marketing ploy in some cases, they have to include white people because of the thing white people do where they force themselves to see themselves in anything they watch (which explains why they turn away from things that don't have a white lead because "they cant relate", or they have to change a character that isn't white to be more appealing to them in fandom)

but it is also done so white people can feel better about themselves by making themselves believe they are not complacent in white supremacy because they have a black partner or simply because ppl don't want to ship a black character with a white one (this month its been about spiderverse obvs) because they simply don't want to or because in the comics a certain character has a black partner are just a bad as racists like WOAH who gave you the authority to speak on shit like this?

[voidsquidd]

Not what I usually post but I wanna say something

I recently saw a 12 yr old on shedtwt and ik becuz of what this account used to be that I have shedtwt and shedtblr followers on here

(I have never really used shedtwt but post pop up every few months)

If ur that young then pls do not go on places like that

//TW// sh ed / g0re / gr0oming / s1uicide

Ik that u probably wanna find ppl who have similar struggles to u, ik u probably have issues irl that make u wanna do that stuff and u just wanna find a place where ppl are like u, but shedtwt is not that place

Even if ppl on there say they're pro recovery, the fact they're posting stuff promoting it or showing it in a positive way at all is not gonna help anyone recover, they're still glorifying it to other ppl and promoting pro Ana / sh

Shedtwt/shedtblr will do sm damage to ur brain at a young age

While ur that young what u see will have a massive affect on ur brain and what u view as normal. Older ppl on there are way more aware of what they're doing to themselves and, even if u say ur mature for ur age, u will not know what damage ur actually doing to urself by being on there

Seeing ppl promote stuff like sh: how to go deeper, needing to feel valid, wanting to get worse, showing off their gory sh

Seeing ppl promote eds: saying how many cals they eat, showing of thinspo, fat shaming / meanpso, saying it's better to be thin

That stuff is gonna be more likely to stick with u when u start to consume it from a young age like that, eventually it'll be all u really know, you'll have normalized it sm in ur head with out even realising what you've done. Ppl will have constantly been posting about it and u will have constantly been seeing those posts and slowly making ur brain see all that disordered, dangerous behaviour as normal. Sm so that when u try to recover it'll end up being sm harder, becuz ur whole life, all ur believes, all ur habits, ur hobbies, will be base for sh and ed

Ik someone who was active on there from a young age and they struggle to eat normally sometimes, a normal meal feels like a binge to them and they don't actually know what the real definition of that word means, they count normal eating as eating too much, they count normal and healthy bodies as too fat becuz they saw so many dangerously underweight ppl that they can no longer tell what's healthy. They developed such bad body dysmorphia from all the content that they cannot tell the difference between over 10lbs on their body.

They can't understand why sh is bad sometimes, thinking it's not that big of a deal, they romantizise sh and their cuts, saying they like them and that they want more scars, even asking me to help them. They didn't realise it was a massive issue when they went pretty deep, and then refused to go seek medical help when they should've becuz they were used to giving themself cuts that could kill them, becuz ppl on shedtwt go so deep it could kill them but they barely ever seem to mention that, a young person wouldn't realise that would kill them, the person I'm talking about definitely didn't

They also saw lost of gore. Now I'm gonna get into a bit of physical brain psychology rn. So the brain releases dopamine as a positive reward hormone obviously. Watching gore, even tho it's online, will have the same or similar effect of seeing actual bloody, dead bodies and ppl stabbing themself or killing themself irl. They saw lots of that becuz shedtwt had sh vids which led to gore twt. Seeing ppl stab themselves, cut their arm off, jump off buildings etc, would be like seeing it irl. And seeing it irl would be classed as a traumatic event, it causes trauma. Specifically it damages the part of the brain that releases hormones like dopamine, by consuming that content u are physically damaging ur brain sm it can stop letting u feel happy.

This person may have a bad home life, and that may have caused these issues to start, but they wouldn't have known what sh was without shedtwt, or seen tips on how to go deeper on shedtwt

They wouldn't have seen starving tips or those diets, or workout routines without shedtwt

They wouldn't have felt like what they were doing was normal if they hadn't seen sm of it on shedtwt

They wouldn't have found gore without shedtwt

And they wouldn't have met their groomer and called him their bf if they hadn't been on shedtwt

Even now they're not on there, they lost all their hobbies to Ana/mia, they would spend their time doing nothing but watching and reading stuff about sh and eds and that's all their life was. Just cvtting themself, learning tips on how to starve and trying to ignore their cravings. They used to paint, but they stopped. they used to sew, but they stopped. they used to be really strong and have good health, they don't anymore, becuz they worked their body to exhaustion sm trying to get thin. Their brain consumed sm content, it's all they think about most of the time now and they struggle to distract their thoughts. I remember they told me what they were thinking about and I had to tell them they seemed triggered becuz they were so triggered so often it just became their normal mind. They thought about nothing but what to eat on what day, how many cals were in something, about how to cut deeper, where they should cut, how some of their scars would look prettier if they were in different shapes, suicide methods and what would be the best even tho they didn't have any plans. Images of thinspo and gore and sh would flash in their head constantly.

It became so normal to them it was their whole personality and actual normal things were alien concepts to them. I told them what typically normal things were and they were genuinely surprised at how what they did and thought about wasn't normal.

Ik most young ppl on there are wanting ppl to relate to but it will do more damage than good, sometimes it's better to feel like what ur doing is weird or not normal becuz that gives u more motivation to stop, to try and be normal. Seeing it sm will make u think it's normal and fine and make u feel like there's no issue

That person is still recovering and a lot of the stuff they vent about is the gore they saw, or the thinspo they saw, the things they say that get called out for being negative are always things they learnt to normalize from shedtwt

So pls, I say this to anyone but especially younger ppl like that 12 yr old, shedtwt / tblr is not gonna help u with ur mental health, it isn't a place that genuinely encourages recovery even if ppl say they are pro recovery. It's a place that glorifies sh and eds, and there's so many ppl who also just wanna take advantage of u. Someone who wants to help u starve or sh doesn't have ur best interest in mind, someone who wants u to recover and get better and healed is someone who cares about u

My dms are always open ♡

[greenorangevioletgrass]

OKAY SO when i said my thoughts around carmy and bradley werent coherent at all I meant that quite literally 😭 i havent thought about it in detail aside from the rough idea BUT if i have to expand on it i’d say it could be something along the lines of denim through the decades? or taking into account what you said about james dean/marlo brando i think it would be fun to see a campaign centered around iconic moments of denim in pop culture too. Maybe recreating some movie sets and outfits and such. 

BUT im also thinking something a lot more chill bc ik recreating movie sets n stuff can be 1) a hassle and 2) a lil cheesy, so considering that the people involved in the campaign would be people with an interest in vintage denim n such i was thinking about  levis incorporating some vintage pieces from personal collections. Picture one of the countless denims carmy stores inside his oven (sob) or one of bradley’s staples too. Mix that with a limited edition line of ‘brought from the past’ jeans, jackets, etc. and i think itd be golden. 

By no means am I a denim expert, I’m talking out of my ass here after a few minutes of research LMFAO but its fun to think about it.

I’m sure carmy would be WAYYY more hesitant to participate than bradley. The latter is probably ecstatic and doesnt let his manager (im guessing levis would be in contact with his manager) finish. As soon as the words levis and collab leave his mouth, Bradley's sold. 

I think carmy would be interested in working with levis, a little flattered that they considered him. Maybe taken aback too bc im guessing he’s a very private person and doesnt talk much about his denim collection and such so levi’s def did their research lol. Still, i think he was going to turn them down and then Sugar and Syd found out and tried to convince him bc ‘its levis, u gotta say yes’ but it didnt exactly work and in the end it was Richie who replied to the email with something along the lines ‘id be honoured to be a part of the campaign’ or smth weird in his attempt to impersonate carmen.

With the two of them on set, i quite frankly don’t know if they would interact or how that interaction would go. Think carmy might be too nervous to properly interact bc its a hectic environment. Maybe bradley saw him all closed up and semi alone and decided to strike a conversation with him, talking about denim and such. What do you think?

BTW im so sorry about the typos i keep making, i only notice after you respond LMFAO i swear my english is good, promise.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!! thank you so much for indulging me 😭😭 and no worries, i feel like we’re speaking in a language beyond english where we’re just throwing concepts at each other and we actually understand it. it’s beautiful.

i totally get it that recreating movie sets is a lot. what they can do is recreate looks inspired by these iconic movies (like james dean in rebel without a cause—carmy would look great in that!) they can do a studio shoot or an outdoor city shoot like JAW’s CK campaign (still not over that btw skshsjdhsj)

ok hear me out: carmy is reserved in his private life but i feel like deep down he likes being the golden boy. remember his monologue abt smoking ppl out wherever he works? and just the way he steps up to lead and plays up to people who wanna hear what he wants to say. i feel like with the restaurant on the rise, he’s bound to have done some interviews, and on one of them he went on a hyperfixation-fueled tangent abt vintage denim like the first episode.

and you’re so right, it still would take him a lot of nudging and jostling to say yes. i loooove the idea of richie very eloquently replying to the email and making carmy sound very eager and cordial 🤭 (i imagine he would be a very short emailer/texter if he ever does reply)

with carmy, i feel like it’s not so much that he dislikes hectic environments (how much more hectic can his kitchen get, right?) but it’s the kind of hectic that he can’t control. and it drives him nuts, and he’d take smoke breaks often and eventually, bradley goes with him although he doesn’t smoke. he’d say that he has been to noma a few times and he enjoyed it and they bonded over restaurants and food and all. he’d love to visit the bear some time, to which carmy is like “of course let me know anytime you’re in town”

(Bradley thinks carmy is one of the coolest people he’s ever met. Carmy thinks for someone who’s that famous, Bradley is super chill.)

[ohumokay]

I saw ur comment on the friend post and even though we have an age gap it baffles me that we seem to be having the same issues in regards to friendships. idk if society has always been cliquey or overly selective of who it lets join in and vice versa. but lately idk whats been up with peoples way of communicating you would think even with all tihs digitalised methods that people would want to but yet it seem no one does either bc theyre so self absorbed or they are "too busy" esp for those that have 100s of friends online but never enough time to every one so some of us sadly get put aside or we just drift apart if they dont align or do enough like i dont even care about gifts and no cards and shit fuck that id rather just have few solid connections than none.

what sucks is the other people who then gloat on their profiles or accounts and ik they "busy" with others. i try to find things in common with others but its so hard sometimes because then you feel like you have to force yourself to genuinely care about shit you dont care about in order to find somewhere to fit in. i recently tried doing online zoom quizzes and they were absolute hell, first off zoom is the worst way to try to feel included in on any sort of group esp when u dont know them right off the bat then these quizzes were god awful to keep up with esp the speedquizzing ones. i only did them cause this was the only way my "friend" would keep in touch long enough w/ me.

its a sad world we are in where people are mostly only interested in themselves, even in school this was the case. idk i just kinda gave up cause i dont think i will ever find who im looking for cause it feels like if im not doing xyz things no one going to care if im not here type thing. yet im tired of finding people only to then feel like they arent pulling their efforts back, again idc for gifts but is it so hard for people to idfk send messages in return or to keep a friendship going? outside of having common interests?

sorry for rambling but i feel like no one really seems to want deep meaningful connections no more. everuthings done for their benefit or for posting online and showcasing it to others their "fake" as fuck connections that they claim to have with people.

Hey... Yeah, I completely understand what you mean. A lot of ppl have shallow ass relationships views nowadays, or avoid real connections.

I think I know which comment you're talking about: the one about my ex-bsf who basically ghosted me. That friendship was not only one sided, but toxic asf. They would shit on my beliefs, make jokes at my expense, and if they were called out for their behavior, they'd say that it didn't matter bcuz they were gonna off themself anyway. It was really shitty, and towards the end, they made it very clear they were a fake friend (literally called themself fake) so I had to cut ties my own way.

I'm sorry your "friend" couldn't compromise in communication. That is such a sucky feeling; trying to keep a friendship afloat, even if the other person isn't. And it's sad that no one in this world can have a normal conversation.

Don't get me wrong, me and the friends I have left (including my new BSF) don't text anything deep. Like, we text all the time, but we usually avoid deep conversations. Not bcuz we can't have meaningful conversation, but bcuz we don't feel comfortable texting; deep shit should be said in person, or,at the bare minimum, over a phone call. So that's why we text pretty shallow, or not at all. But, our friendship is also strong enough to withstand a few days without talking and still being closer than ever.

I understand your exhaustion, for a while I shared your sentiment, but I firmly believe that everyone has a person. A person who they can talk to freely, whenever, without worry of toxicity or emotional distance. A person who is always there with a shoulder to cry on, and advice that one might need to hear, even if they don't want to hear it. A person who will be willing to sit in silence when need be, or rant with them, or simply listens bcuz talking without interruption is therapeutic. A person who is their person, through thick and thin.

And, I know we don't know each other, and have an age gap (tho, idk how large it is), but if you need someone to listen to your rants and rambles, or to talk you through a situation, or to just tell you your heard and appreciated, I'm more than willing. And this goes to anyone who needs it, not just the questioner. I am willing to be a surrogate person until you find your actual person.

I'm not perfect, I might not say the right thing, it might take me a while to respond, but I will always be willing to help a fellow person in need, even over Tumblr ❤️‍🩹

[celestialmancer]

Y’know come to think of it 

With how I’ve spent all my life going through literal hell & back...

Being judged over any oc/self insert x canon shit rly is just the least of my worries lmao

[sunflowersteves]

thank god i asked you for that eddie and his guitar thingy thing 😩 did someone ever tell you you're the best? cause i'm telling you right now: you. are. THE. BEST!

i feel like i always forget to express my love for your writing, specially when it comes to things i requested 😭 but please know that I love every bit of your work 🫶🏻 and that camping hc? perfect! I loved the robin one so much, she's just too cute i can't, my heart is too weak.

also i feel the need to discuss abt how problematic the st fandom is getting (at least the ppl from where i live) apparently everyone one is hating on eddie bc "there's characters that have been on the show longer than him and they deserve more". now it's forbidden to love a new character more than the old ones, apparently. tumblr is the only social medias that don't make me feel "uncomfortable" abt liking what I like 🤡

sometimes i can really hate people, iykwim

anyways, sending you lots of love and a good night <3 (at least it's nighttime for me)

- ❤️‍🔥

omg idk how i missed this ask!!! hi my love :) hahaha thank u!! I’m v glad I liked it and I have v much a fun time writing it ;) ily <3 how are you?? has your migraines gone away??

it’s no worries!!! ur always complementing me and my work and it always makes me so happy!!! i very much appreciate you, my love!! giving u hugs right this second!

omg seriously tho, I have a huge soft spot for robin. she’s just so cute <3

omg yes I’ve seen that, and those same people are the ones that hate Lucas even though he’s been there since the beginning!!! it doesn’t make sense to me other than being bothered by people for liking shit. and don’t even get me started on those that hate argyle. that shit pisses me off sm.

also ik there’s ppl in the fandom who hate the others cosplaying as eddie and that rlly makes me angry bc the ppl that think it’s “cringe” and “gross” have clearly a) never been to a convention before and b) have clearly never been a part of a huge fandom,,, like do they know how many ppl cosplay as Star Wars or marvel characters?? it isn’t that deep 😭😭 just let people be themselves. it’s not hurting them and murdering their mother for ppl to cosplay lmaooooo

yeah, I think when fandoms get this big and st is even bigger than it was before then people start to just explode or something idk

[seoafin]

tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be  😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

[zhuhongs]

When I was growing up I didnt understand why people shared food with others. I shared food with my mom and such, but that was it. I thought that sharing food was something people only did with those super close to them. I never once just considered sharing food with others like many families do.

I grew up as one of the only poor colored kids in a well off white neighborhood. My mom always had this weird complex. That she and the rest of our family "weren't like other Hispanic people" because we "didn't take handouts" and "didn't live like that" whatever that was supposed to mean.  I hate her internalized racism sm... it fucked me up so bad but i’m mostly over it and she is too thank god but that's a whole other issue for another text post) Thus she always ingrained it in me that I don't take food that other ppl are offering me. If a white person tries to give me food, they're probably just pitying me for being the poor girl. And if a poc gives me food, they need it more than I do, I should take it but pay them back later for it. To save face and not cause burden. I never thought twice abt it and it was rarely an issue. Most of my friends were white and their parents always thought it was kind that i offered to pay for my food but never let me. And my friends of color... well i didnt have many. I didnt have many friends growing up that I rlly remember. I was always just weird and quiet. I occasionally brought food on birthdays and got food for others on their birthday. But outside of special occasion I didnt go out of my way to give people food. If I didnt like something I'd give it to someone who did. And if someone was gonna throw something away, I ate it. I never let food go to waste. When I went out with people, I bought my food and they bought theres and we just ate. Nothing else. I never thought anything of it.

I remember a very distinct moment where I started to feel differently. I was in my second semester of university and my dance team was preparing for a performance over spring break. We had been practicing from 9am to 3pm and then decided to go to the mall to get food and just hang out for a bit. My university friend group is like.. notoriously bad at making decisions so I usually make the decisions for them bc theyre all so passive alkfjaslkfjd (THEY ALL HAVE OLDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER OF COLOR SYNDROME like me too omg ik ur a ppl pleser but PICK SMTH, ily them... i’ll stop now) . SO we were deciding where to get food and settled on the food court and we all get what we want. So we did all that and sat a big table together and I just remember everyone putting the food in the middle and getting extra plates so we could take from each we wanted and have a little bit of everything. And at first i was like?? HUH!?? like I got what i wanted bc thats what I wanted and then planned to take my leftovers home to eat at work later that night. And that ended up working out, they could kinda tell that was my intention but ever since then I noticed that that friend group always does that. We all buy different things and share. I really used to find it dumb at first bc its my money and i paid for what i wanted. I didn’t want to take others food and I didn’t rlly want to give them mine. I thought that mentality was universal. I was always kinda on the outside with that group, we never fully meshed but I really wanted to make the effort to be friends with them because I knew it would be rewarding, even if we were just casual friends. And yea idk, just through them I began to kinda unlearn the way I used to feel about sharing food. It’s not about the money, it’s about the connection to others and about giving freely and letting others give to u. But money was always tight as a id. As I’ve started working and making money, thankfully i’ve abandoned this knee jerk reaction.

I read a chapter of a book for highschool english once called “Sharing Food as an Act of Communion” or smth along those lines and I got the concept but didn’t rlly think it was that deep. But in that moment, i started to understand it a lot more. Sharing food and sharing things in general isn’t about the object itself, its about what got u to that point to share something with someone. Due in part to way i was raised as I elaborated on earlier, I really wasn’t a loving or giving person. I was selfish. I was taught to be selfish. Because my parents had that mentality and passed it onto their kids. That was the cutthroat immigrant way of theirs. They were very much “pull yourself up by your bootstraps ppl.” My brother is still like that a bit. It’s very sad sometimes, I’m trying to get him out of it. Baby steps. My mom doesn’t understand why he’s so selfish. One of these days I think i’m going to sit her down and tell her that it’s her own doing. That how she raised us. But I know she doesn’t want to hear it, so for her sake and mine I just agree with her and let the issue pass without incident. I truly believe that kindness and community are the most radical things that humans have. I rlly do. It took me a long time to get there. I used to be so convinced I was better of alone. One man for themselves. I blame my father, i really do.

One time when things were really going to shit with my family, my dad came in my room and asked me how I could be so cruel to him when he was my father, completely unaware of the fact that I had been abused by him my entire life. He just didn’t register it that way bc it wasn’t physical. He said to me “You know Sage, I would expect this from your brother. But you’re a girl . I thought you’d be nicer, more loving and giving.” but it was his own actions that shaped this. And it wasn’t until I had stopped living with him at 18 that I was able to become more like how I am now.

Really, in the past I wasn’t a very nice or loving person. I wasn’t mean either!! I was just passive. A cold lake near a forest. I was nice looking on any surface level, but there was nothing warm or pleasant. A cold lake with jagged rocks underneath. With the help of others i’ve warmed, the rocks eroded down to something you would keep in a collection. I prefer it this way. I’ve healed a bit. I understand now what ppl mean when they say food is a love language. It isn’t one for me yet, but I recognize why it is for others. I get it now.

[tallycraven]

well you DO deserve all the recognition and compliments because you are utterly amazing. hi! haha, hope you are having a great day or at least better than mine, cause i think i might actually be dying from a stomach-ache bruh. but anyway, love won’t sleep hit me right in the feelings ahhhfkj but it's also such a fun song, i love it. this parts "the daylight fades in different shades, babe / your hair's the same, i can't escape / pull me into your darkness, i'll stay." --

fUGHH. just like you said, it totally got me thinking about their future journey for season 2 because we know that there's something bigger with these two, they're basically destined to find each other again. even before actually meeting in person again they will probably cross paths in some other way. and that particular line it's maybe from raelle's pov? at least i thought about it in that way. even if they try to stay away from each other, for their own sake; that let's be real, they will probably pull something like this, they just can't. the instant raelle sees scylla again, it's over for her. i know a lot of ppl think (and well it's actually canon) that raelle is too stubborn and that forgiveness does not come easy for her, but... it's scylla. and deep down she never really cared that much the fact that she's part of the spree. the only thing that truly matters for her is if scylla's feelings for her are/were ever real, when she finally comes to realize that they obviously are... well, it's over FOR US kdfsskj. fuck, i feel like i'm always rambling, and ik you said you don't mind but maybe it gets a little annoying having to put all the messages together so sorry about that :( but i like sharing my thoughts with you bc your songs are always so good and spot on 🥺 my song for you is medicine by havelin. it really can be thought from either one of their pov's just beacuse both of them were in a very low point in their lives when they met each other. so it can be place the day the met each other for the very first time. their instant connection, insatiable need, and the feeling of "now that i have you, i don't ever want to let you go." it's always nice to hear what you think! so i hope you like it. 💕

🥺 stahp, you’re gonna make me cry out of joy. hi tho! i hope your stomach ache went away klfgjkjh i’ll kick its ass for you. ugh i love love love your take on love don’t sleep-- i feel basically the same? like, it was so evident that raelle didn’t give a shit that scylla was spree. i think the big wrench coming at us raelle finding out that her mom’s alive and spree as well. HOPEFULLY NONE OF THAT ANGER IS TOO HEAVILY DIRECTED at scylla ): 

MEDICINE IS SUCH A GOOD SONG, THANK YOU FOR INTRODUCING ME. i just, tried to pick a verse but the entire song is the loveliest descriptor of how it must’ve felt for raelle to finally have something so good in her life? and it obvs could apply to scylla as well, but i feel like it’s just so much more applicable to raelle who honestly genuinely fell out of pure attraction to scylla and found comfort in her? and 😭😭 i’m crying. 

i have an oldie but a goodie for you: fireworks by you me at six -- i hope you get the same vibes as i do from this song? it hurts so good and i think it fits so beautifully with raelle’s pov? esp with “I'll say your name and in the same breath / I'll say something that I'll grow to regret”

[323398149]

hello older amms

rn you’re at gernstein and just finished a practice statistics midterm and need to finish chapter 3 of thermodynamics within the next 6 hours BUT

you came across some bs from hs that you had saved in your drafts on tumblr

and damn

at first you were smiling and felt super loved even tho it was a roast cause you could feel the love behind it but now you’re triggered af again and can’t believe you dealt with that shit

and i guess that’s something a lot of women have to struggle with and that’s just the world for us

sucks

but yeah anyways kk gonna get back to studying

it’s funny all the ppl that called you dumb 

like sure i’m dumb bitch @ me but i have passion and commitment CLEARLY for ppl that loved to say i was fake like bye bitch if i couldn’t commit to and feel deeply for shit i wouldn’t be where i am now

you clearly just didn’t know me and I clearly was VERY misunderstood in that relationship

and i don’t think things are ever going to change. but yeah damn at first i was like awwww wow this made my day so glad i found it but literally an hour and a half later and i’m triggered

LOL PROBS DOESN’T HELP THAT I’M ON MY PERIOD and just had a breakdown a few days ago

side note: i have a friend rn that’s being physically abused and it kills me. but she loves him and hasn’t even told me herself, i found out from a mutual friend. and ik she’s loves him too much to see out of there so my only option rn is to get her to sign up for self defense classes with me and my hope it that it’ll empower her to leave on her own. but when i was discussing it with a friend i realized that i was loved enough to be guided away. and she doesn’t have that. or maybe they’re just in too deep. honestly, it’s probably that.

LEVEL 3 IN AP ENGLISH BOTH YEARS AND MR GRAY LOVED MY SUMMATIVE PRESENTATION THING IN AP LIT

MAN KEPT RAVING ABOUT IT LIKE 3 DAYS LATER AND I WAS LIKE CHILL FAM LOOOOOOOOL

i captured the essence of that character like it was my bitch BYEEE

honestly fuck that shit why am i letting myself get triggered? think happy thoughtssss like ts7 and joe and sam and indy next fall. we’re gonna have sm funnnn

[da1udr3amof-blog]

BlvntQueen & LadyTonii LadyTonii Hey wassup? a month ago LadyTonii https://prnt.sc/lcyehe me and him yes while you was send the first invite — a month ago LadyTonii number and picture don’t lie ppl do a month ago BlvntQueen well i know tht because yall have alot of pictures together but like i said it was him lien saying yall wasnt together and tht yur unborn babys was nott his and i have proof if you would like to see a month ago LadyTonii yes please send it because a month ago BlvntQueen Okay give me one sec hun cause it’s a lot a month ago LadyTonii tyt a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/4K8QFTuiU7f8LkVu7 a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/MyM7Z4oahJXaf8RW9 a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/WzXiAuegZzaJpfVV6 a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/J3CPFenKoa4KwNLT8 a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/LGHi7y8MoGvyQ3B99 a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/8VfXEuhGUPYsNKxXA a month ago BlvntQueen https://photos.app.goo.gl/SJWStrcTcDVoWFgu8 a month ago BlvntQueen Even back when you guys started talking he kept denying that you weren’t together which I knew was a lie a month ago BlvntQueen While you guys where together he was still trying to get with buying whole bunch of gifts saying he wanted to be my husband and wanted a Familia a month ago BlvntQueen Every time I basically shut him down cause I could see y’all had something going down even when he kept denying it a month ago BlvntQueen I contacted on no drama stuff I just wanted to see if I was or was he lien a month ago BlvntQueen Wrong * a month ago BlvntQueen Nd sorri for some of the stuff said in the inbox I was tryna get him to say the truth a month ago BlvntQueen Even tht whole knew look to his face I helped him pick it out while we we’re shopping together a month ago BlvntQueen He even has another look I helped him pick out just doesn’t wear it often a month ago BlvntQueen He was hanging with me in my family one day got mad cause I asked to meet you plus when I asked kept calling you his wifey he kept getting up set saying you wasn’t in wifey a month ago BlvntQueen Got booted out the room cause he was losing his temper a month ago LadyTonii Its okay thank you for contacting me and letting me know because this says a lot about his intention with all women on the game. And for him to try n start a relationship with you while still me tell me just hm he care for me. a month ago BlvntQueen I’m really sorry ma I been friends with him for bout 6-7 months Already knew his games Nd how he treated women Thts why things would never work between us cause I don’t like being played a month ago BlvntQueen Also the same reason I contacted yu just let yu Know plus to get the truth a month ago BlvntQueen But I am truly sorry 💯 a month ago LadyTonii This hurt so bad especially when u genuine love someone. So why know why tell me this now. Why have not warn me in the beginning? Why wait? @ 6-7 months ago. Why allow him to keep you quiet this long a month ago LadyTonii No worries, God bring the truth to the light for a reason a month ago LadyTonii I just wish it come sooner. a month ago BlvntQueen Well me in Darius was really friends cause I used to be married when I got divorced he had been tryna to get with me I met his family in everything we where public for a while but he flirted with to many women so I ended things and just stayed friends with him   He’s was always around he just turned his location off or waited for ppl to get online while we hung out he thought I didn’t notice💯 Nd the reason I’m telling you now cause I didn’t know for sure if y’all were together cause it seemed like y’all was off and on in a relationship a month ago BlvntQueen Plus he asked to go public a lot of times I just said no cause I knew he was a player and didn’t want him to make me look like I was getting played a month ago LadyTonii You speak a familiar story…i can most certain relate to the same things you exactly. a month ago LadyTonii Saying* a month ago BlvntQueen Soo yeah… but I am sorry for bothering you with this bs a month ago LadyTonii Its okay at lease now ik his truth and yes i was pregnant with his twins boys. It like a emotions roaster. We talk via phone. Almost all day until out the blue so now ik what was the blue he started changing on me a month ago BlvntQueen Oh wow its sad 💯 I’m sorry fr💯 he needs to grow up and act like a man a month ago LadyTonii So true👍 a month ago LadyTonii Oh Qu33n I forgot to tell you love😏 I neverrr….leave Darius alone….But thank for the ☕ anyway (you tired it). They always want to start telling when they get upset. But when they happy….They are so call  "Riders"….✌ next time tell me something I dont already know about 💋Darius💋 a month ago LadyTonii Follow me on tumblr da1udream0f a month ago LadyTonii http://da1udream0f.tumblr.com/ a month ago LadyTonii https://prnt.sc/lodeqo 44 minutes ago BlvntQueen Good for you Psycho 40 minutes ago BlvntQueen Sad thing is you texting me all these things when he still not claiming the baby’s your pregnant with 37 minutes ago BlvntQueen And unlike you I’m pregnant in real life and don’t have time to be dealing with your dumb drama 37 minutes ago LadyTonii https://prnt.sc/lodn9k —-> Yes daddy like to deny a lot things but we already been down this road before haven’t we. You have time for it “stop it” :)  Congratulations on the new baby in rl however “you tell me this because”?  #we a team sis except it :) 13 minutes ago BlvntQueen He’s right we aren’t together but he wants to get back together 😘 yeah we have been down this road before and me and him has a unbreakable bond 😉😬 I’m here to stay and I don’t have time for  it so please stop harassing me cause this is sad you have been stalking my page steady 😂😂😂😂 I don’t have to fake a reality pregnancy I have a real life one and is enjoying it to the fullest 😘 and I would like to keep my stress level down as much as possible so Please let go cause of now your dismissed with all this petty drama especially when your a wanna be and had to copy my style before just to try to keep a man that doesn’t want you😂😘😬☺️ 8 minutes ago LadyTonii yeah right, and santa clause is real ==> sound like a strong bond to me lol —https://prnt.sc/lodrj3> https://prnt.sc/lodrzf https://prnt.sc/lodsrq https://prnt.sc/lodt7j https://prnt.sc/lodup5 https://prnt.sc/lodvf3 It wasnt petty when “yo ass” was in my inbox and liking all my picture (now was it?) sending me friend request like you was crazy Worrying about my conception date. hmmmm Now you telling me you’ve grown up over the few weeks… I have not ill-wells towards you and never will 💋 a few seconds ago BlvntQueen https://prnt.sc/loe7o3 https://prnt.sc/loe7yk https://prnt.sc/loe89x Back Than Honey I was just trying to find the truth to see was he messing around with because he said he wasn’t and that you weren’t shit to him when I came to You adding you trying to find the truth which nothing is wrong with that if a women is trying to see if Her “MAN” is cheating on her with a wannabe chick who keeps stalking my page😂💯 me and you aren’t even friends and I’m not even on you stream so i know you have issues and that you are pressed about me cause you had to text him about a picture we took last night a few seconds ago BlvntQueen How pathetic of you to keep stalking my page bbg💯😂 a few seconds ago BlvntQueen You Should really Get a life and stop following mine cause once again you messaged me tonight and messaged him last night about me showing that you have no life what’s so ever 😂💯😘💋 a few seconds ago LadyTonii You always been a talker…i love that about you…💋 fail for the bait score!!!!that all but we still going to fuck around regardless. Damn see your bond is so deep he just know you were pregnant😊 shame on it all. a few seconds ago LadyTonii Girl wake up he don’t give af about none of this imvu lol a few seconds ago BlvntQueen Mhmm Sure Bbg Well You Have Fun Stalking My Stream And Page 😂💯❤️ While I Continue Not Worrying About You Like I Been Doing😂😌 😘 Fuck Around All You Want Cause Unlike You I Never Had To Give My Pussy Up To Him For Me And Him To Keep Talking💋😉 Says A lot About You Does it hunni😂😘😬 Your right it is imvu and you stalking me like you got some real issues😂💯 sad asf 😉😌😆 27 minutes ago BlvntQueen And he didn’t know I was pregnant in real life  one cause it wasn’t his business two cause I don’t mix a game with my real life😂💯😘 but trust and believe I can post evidence cause I don’t have to lie💯❤️ 25 minutes ago LadyTonii Im grown lol i can dirty talk to who i may. The lord aint tell you to keep track of hm pussy toni give to Darius...just like you wanted to know what was going on before, same here. I dont have do anything I choice too. Its my choice. Thats good for you at lease ik he not fucking you.😂 Your shade doesnt fade me. Once again I dont stalk your page. Girl, you care just like I do because if you didnt you wouldve blocked the first message in. I dont front or act like it dont bother me. I just came to accepting him for who he was nothing more. 5 minutes ago LadyTonii Now let that man sleep he has to work in the morning..you have a bless night love💋 3 minutes ago BlvntQueen No You We’re Very Bothered just Of The Fact That in screen shot you told him to leave you alone cause of a picture😂💯👌🏽😬 And I chose not to fuck him cause I ain’t no hoe and I don’t got to give up pussy just to be with a guy😂💯 Niggas chase me bbg cause I’m the real deal and don’t  have to try to be some one else😂👌🏽 and you do stalk my page for you to even see the picture that was posted 😂💯 how do yu sound bbg  and I don’t care what he do with you cause once again me and him not together 👌🏽 and I shouldn’t have to block you 👌🏽a hoe should know when to leave a queen alone😘👌🏽😬 and you so grown bbg that you steady inboxing me just like you had to inbox me a picture of y’all 😂💯😬 Damn you really are a pressed bitch😌  you  even messed me on nov 1 at 6am just to show a page of y’all cause You So Pressed About Me That You Want Me To be jealous 😬😆 but it’s hard to be jealous of a psycho. Person who stalks my page and what I posted  and try’s to look like just like me😂 Now You Have ABlessDay a few seconds ago BlvntQueen And I Will pray to god that you get your self together and get the help you need😂🙏🏽😘 a few seconds ago LadyTonii Right you know me personally a few seconds ago LadyTonii Why you keep on saying fuck him like theres really penetrating flesh. Im start to think something is serious wrong with the both of yall. And for you to act this way ik you lying about pc'ing with him. imma let you jack that one there. You don't have to pray for me. I'm blessed. I'm the one in denial. I know he fucking with the both of us. a few seconds ago