#let me tell you. waking up and checking tumblr this morning was an EXPERIENCE

[destinyandcoins]

shane madej: the whole idea of a mass hysteria is you don’t realize it, you’re not like “yeah we all participated in a mass hysteria, it was a real riot”

tumblr on nov 5th 2020: bet

also shane madej: no one thinks they’re susceptible to a shared delusion until it happens

also tumblr, about to collectively pretend we’re all superfans of some imaginary movie from the 70s: oh we definitely know we’re susceptible to a shared delusion. that’s a feature, not a bug

[danieyells]

Hello! Thank you so much for posting the guys’ voicelines! If it’s not too much trouble, could I ask for Yuri’s and Ritsu’s? I’ve been especially curious about Yuri’s since reading his line at the beginning of the game if you choose him lol Again, thank you so much!!

(i posted ritsu's separately!)

no anon you may not study yuri. yuri studies you. how dare you. bad guinea pig! you get no experiment tonight!

the rest of you, however, may come appreciate the good doctor with me. You can come too studying anon i won't tell yuri

some of his lines really kinda subverted my expectations of his character? /affectionate) like i thought he would be quite different! not to say his profile is dishonest, but. . .idk lol i love him he's. . .he's special.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"What are you dawdling for? Change out of those rags and report to my lab immediately!"

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"What madness is this? Why do you have unread messages!? Check them immediately! Research is a race against time!"

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"You should feel honored to be chosen as the test subject of Dr. Yuri Isami, genius and visionary!"

"Jiro! Jiro!! What on earth are you doing!?"

he calls for jiro the way a parent calls for their kid who's minding their business in another room--

"Lowbrow schools of thought with the gall to oppose my research will bear a mark of shame for generations to come. One day, the world will be forced to acknowledge me."

i realized this early on since i chose him in the pre-prologue so i always had access to him on the home screen but. since anomalies have to be kept secret from the world he kind of can't be acknowledged for what he does in the long run, can he? since he specifically works in anomalous medical sciences much of what he does and works with has to be kept only within the institute's understandings. . . .

"I always preserve the lives of my patients. I cannot make guarantees for any other parts of them, however."

sure you're a disembodied head in a jar but you are a living disembodied head in a jar! don't worry they'll get you a new body!!

"I ask their cooperation for the sake of the future of humanity, and this is what I get!? Jiro, how much do we have left in our research budget!?"

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"What a bracing morning. Jiro, prepare my wake-up tonic."

is 'wake-up tonic' a fancy way of saying coffee or do you have some mixture of herbs and spices that wakes you up

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Are you injured or ill? Oh dear, how unfortunate. I shall begin the experi— Ahem, the treatment, immediately."

the way he says this is so incredible but tumblr will not let me upload the video for some reason he is so hype to try putting strange things in you.

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Jiro's not feeling well, you say? Very well. I shall test my latest formula on him."

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Oh, it's you. And here I thought I had a patient. I am currently reviewing today's lessons, so please leave unless you're here for treatment."

he's very studious for a genius. not a lot of the ghouls actually go to class.

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Wha... Wh-Where did you come from!? Th-Th-Th-This!? It is a medical journal! The Ace Doctor Wows Minds In Another World Thesis!"

MY GUY IS READING ISEKAI MANGA ABOUT DOCTORS AND PROJECTING do you think he reads like hentai about doctors and scientists too. probably not right he's too haughty to think about things like that before they happen

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"The only blood I stain myself with is that atop the operating table. On missions, I have Jiro to fight in my stead."

it's okay to say you're just not much of a fighter lmao

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Anomalous medical science is uncharted territory. Should I become its pioneer, all will bow before my intellect until the end of time... Ha ha... Ah ha ha ha ha!"

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hmph. We have no time to spare on your drivel. Hurry up, Jiro!"

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"It's about time for Jiro's check-up... Hm? Wake up, Jiro! I've discovered an abnormality already!"

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Hmm, this case is somewhat complex... No, there's no need for my expertise here. Jiro, prepare to operate immediately."

'this is too complicated for a human but not too complicated to be jiro's problem!' disregard that jiro may be smarter than him. . . .

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Prepare the new formula, Jiro. A specimen has arrived. What? You're not here for treatment?"

listen sometimes you just wanna pay someone a visit! it's not my fault you live in a goddamn hospital.

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I will soon be finished with today's lessons— then I shall return to the lab to confirm the status of my latest test subject."

this is between 11 and 4pm, so you're basically just hearing him talk about his plans for after school lmao just normal student things!!!

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Why yes, I attended every lesson today, as always. All studies are linked, after all. Though it takes a mind such as mine to recognize that."

I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT HARD TO SEE THE LINK BETWEEN MEDICINE AND EVERYTHING. . .UNLESS YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ILLNESSES OR MEDICINE. . . .

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"What is that slovenly visage, worm? Tell me, do you have an excuse for looking more emaciated than me when I spent all night researching? I didn't think so!"

would you like my laundry list of reasons i look tired yuri because i can get it

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"I must personally administer Jiro's shots three times a day. The treatment is rather unique, you see."

'you see i use my peni--'

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"You have business with Jiro? Not before bringing it to me, you don't. He is merely my assistant—as house captain, it is I who possesses the authority."

no talking to his son assistant without going through him first! sorry anon who asked for an appointment with jiro yuri has to approve it

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I'm busy with my experiments. Go back to your dorm and ready yourself for your next appointment. Jiro, see her home."

i feel like he doesn't want you to see what he does to his other test subjects. . .not because they die or anything, they always live, it's just a little gruesome to see. He's not as rough with you. And he needs to make sure you keep coming back. And he needs to make sure you get home safe, so he's sending Jiro with you.

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Even harmful anomalies can have use as medicinal ingredients... This is the sort of immeasurable value my work provides."

isn't that common knowledge in the medical world though. . .i mean obviously getting the right balance is crucial but that's not an entirely new concept, 'let's use the harmful thing for something good'--

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Don't forget that body of yours is a vital specimen! Is it not common knowledge that lack of sleep is the root of all illness!?"

DON'T YOU AND JIRO REGULARLY PULL ALL NIGHTERS IF NOT FOR DAYS AT A TIME?????? maybe yuri is just immune to illness. . . .

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning, M... M... M... My,  what an adequate morning it is, no!? Hmph... Don't confuse me like that..."

IF YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE YURI IN THE PRE-PROLOGUE IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW. . .when Yuri jumps he says "goodbye, mama."

In Japanese it's somewhat more apparent that he's about to call you 'mama' in the voiceline. Maybe it's just my interpretation based on lines 23 and 24, but I think something happened to his mother where he failed to save her with surgery and at higher affinity he begins to project that need to save terminal/cursed patients' lives on you in particular. And he starts to think of you the way he thinks of his mother, but also as his favorite test subject. That or it's a loop/timeline thing and you're actually his mother--do you guys think he'd be able to be convinced into mommy kink shit he clearly has mommy issues it might help

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Mark my words, I'll have those pompous, preening parasites at Frostheim kneeling before me..."

man they do not like frostheim here in mortkranken. the fact that this is so high up is like. . .i wonder if there's some serious beef here.

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Jiro's gone!? ...So be it, then. I grant you the privilege of being my assistant for the day. Be grateful, worm."

jiro will come back when he needs his medication, it's fine! woohoo! do we get a nurse outfit!?

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"There is no life I can't save... There can't be... I am Yuri Isami...the genius visionary doctor..."

it sounds like he's downright scared to fail to save a life.

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"My next surgery must be a success... I... I cannot afford another failure..."

i am once again assuming his mother died on the operating table while he was trying to save or otherwise help her and he's extremely traumatized by it. on the other hand would he say 'goodbye mama' if she weren't still alive? maybe she's alive but she's in a coma or hospice or critical condition or something. and he's studying anomalous medicine to figure out how to save her.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"You belong to me. I will never hand you over to another researcher... (gasp) N-N-N-No, you've misunderstood! I-I just...!"

i'm literally the doctor's favorite lab rat because i am so obedient and intelligent and-- he blushes in the second line--he meant it as a test subject/lab rat or assistant thing but he also accidentally said how he really felt at the same time. . . . But you're his, he will be the one to save you, when he stands atop the world as world renowned genius anomalous medical doctor yuri isami you will stand by him as his proudest subject who's helped him confirm many theories and save many others' lives and he will work so hard to keep you well you are his and he doesn't want anyone else to learn what he can learn from you--

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"Struggling with pollen allergies? I have a new formula here developed in Mortkranken, shall I test it on you?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm! Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm! Pa rum!"

so i don't know enough classical music to be able to tell what the songs he hums are, but if anyone wants to give it a shot i can try uploading the audios of him lol just lmk

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Which house's ghouls are out in the field at present? Oh my, I do hope they come back with some exciting injuries."

i wonder who his favorites to fix up are. . .on the one hand, he hates frostheim. so he might wanna be rougher with them or subject them to more unique experiments and make them admit his intelligence and skill. on the other hand obscuary must be the most interesting ones to work on since they're so unique?

(between 8pm and 5am)

"When did the cherry blossoms bloom...? The changing of the seasons seems rather superfluous when I am engaged in my research."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Jiro, make a record of today's temperature. We need to take the changing climate into for illnesses particular to summer."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Darkwick will provide me the materials I need for my research, provided they fall within our budget... But that is simply insufficient."

have you tried selling organs? taiga says it's very lucative. surely you have some lying around?

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hmm...hmm...hmm...hmm... hmm hmm hmm hmm, Pa pa pa pa pa pa rum!"

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Why do you look so distressed? If the heat is proving too much for you, I can prescribe you something to lower your body temperature."

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"Why must a peerless genius such as myself be saddled with performing piddling health checks for the new students!? It's asinine!"

aren't you the only legitimate doctor in this place by your own admission!?

(between 11am and 4pm)

"A trip to admire the fall foliage? Why yes, I am interested. After all, I'm sure Jabberwock's mountains possess all sorts of undiscovered ingredients. Let's get going."

just make sure you ask towa before taking anything. . .he might not appreciate you messing with his plants. . . .

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Sports...? Hmph, such nonsense is entirely superfluous to my life. Why needlessly expend energy in such a manner?"

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Hmm hmm, hmm hmm, hmm hmm, hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmm!"

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"Freude! Schöner! Götter! Funke! Tochter aus Elyyyyyyysium!"

HE IS SINGING ODE TO JOY IN THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Eureka! A new formula utilizing an anomalous plant that only grows in subzero temperatures has been discovered, by...! Jiro..."

c'mon yuri be proud of your vice captain!

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Our research budget for the new year is nearly spent... Come, Jiro! We're going to negotiate with the faculty!"

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I despise the snow. It brings nothing but revolting memories... There, we're done with today's checkup. Any other questions?"

. . .what happened between Yuri and Jin. I NEED TO KNOW.

His birthday: (September 14th)

"You...remembered my birthday!? Ahem... If you wish to give me a present, make it either a talented assistant or a useful test subject."

people don't remember his birthday much i assume. . .or they tend to stay away from him so much he just doesn't get much attention or appreciation.

Your birthday:

"I am here to celebrate your birthday. Do you feel honored? I've prepared a new formula for you. Let's continue this in the lab, shall we?"

your birthday present is being part of more experiments! aren't you honored???

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. I am on my way to make my first shrine visit. You didn't think me the type? I-It's just a tradition!"

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Hmm, my blood sugar was just starting to drop. I suppose you do have it in you to be considerate every now and then... Pardon? Valentine's Day? ...(gasp)"

oh he has never gotten valentine's day chocolates before has he. or at least not recently.

White Day: (March 13th)

"I suppose I can concede you have proven yourself useful in the lab, worm. ...This is a token of my gratitude."

he didn't blush when he got the gift but he did blush giving you one so. . .i'm taking it this isn't obligation chocolate.

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Hmph, did you honestly think you could fool me? I won't fall for your cheap tricks. I've already been fooled by Jiro seven times today!"

comically jiro's says he doesn't remember pulling any tricks on yuri at all. . .so yuri may be assuming anything he dislikes or is inconvenienced by is a trick lol

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Trick or treat! I have coordinated the ultimate matching costumes for Jiro and I... Yes, perfect."

the fact that he wanted to match costumes with jiro is so cute. . .like he really has this goofy side that doesn't come out much, but it seems like he enjoys celebrations and relaxed things, he's just too busy to engage in them. he likes isekai manga and holiday traditions and costumes. . .then again there's coordination and order involved in a matching halloween costume. so maybe he just likes the order and structure of it all.

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas. You can hand me my present at your earliest convenience. You did prepare one for me, didn't you!?"

he's surprised you remembered his birthday and valentine's day but he expects a christmas gift???

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"I am a very busy man, so if you don't require examination, then we're done here."

(13 affinity and above)

"Hmph. You really think yourself important enough to make a genius like myself wait around!?"

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"Where on earth have you been, worm!? Next time you plan on taking an extended leave of absence, I expect you to inform me in advance!"

THERE WE GO. after yesterday where tumblr decided to freak out on me and just fuckin delete it all i'm glad it's out of the way today lol. I REALLY LOVE YURI HE REALLY FEELS SO. . .PATHETIC. he's the self-reinforcing type who really feels the need to hype up his own greatness and reinforce his authority while, as you get closer to him, letting you see how vulnerable he is and how scared he is of failure. and at first you're a specimen and a lab rat but after getting close enough he shoos you away from his experiments and you can even be his assistant(in jiro's absence) instead. . .his profile makes him sound very in control and aggressive but he doesn't really seem that way in his voicelines i guess? and here and there he's goofy and caring. . .he's kind of a loser(affectionate)!

one of my favorite characters lolol i am so looking forward to the mortkranken chapter because that's going to be so dramatic i bet. . . .

[little-devils-advocate]

My Personal Experience With Neil Gaiman Here on Tumblr

So, I'm sure anyone who comes across my Blog will see from my Pinned Post that it was previously Deactivated here on Tumblr. I essentially used the Blog to discuss controversial issues: abortion, gun control, BLM, etc. & had done a lot of work there. I had been running it for years & talked about some pretty heavy stuff, catching a lot of criticism for my views, but I had never been Deactivated or even had anything taken down.

As you can see from what I have Posted here since restarting, I am a huge advocate for the homeless. I had been Following @neil-gaiman for a while as a minor fan, mainly due to my enjoyment of his stories Stardust & American Gods. I've read none of his books, because the writing style didn't appeal to me, but I have some of them & watched the Stardust movie & the American Gods show.

Anyway, I'd previously seen him Posting here on Tumblr complaining about his residuals & how little money he was making, which rubbed me the wrong way for obvious reasons, but I let it go, because it wasn't that big of a deal to me at the time. Everyone has scruples.

OP:

Months later I saw him Posting about the recent writer's strike & going on a tangent again. Everyone was patting him on the back & agreeing with him & it irked me. Badly. So, I Reblogged it with a picture of a tent city & a link to Sia's album Some People Have Real Problems. Obviously, it irked me that someone of his means was complaining about his residuals & how little writers make when people all over the country are struggling to make ends meet, many of them falling victim to homelessness. Like I said: some people have real problems. Writers also make much more than your average worker, but I digress.

He. Was. PISSED. He then proceeded to attack me on his Blog. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of 'I'm famous, how dare you question me!' I was then attacked relentlessly by his mob of fans to whom I vehemently defended myself & my position. I even recall one fan telling me that 'One day [I was] gonna wake up & regret insulting Neil Gaiman.' I think it's safe to say that day never came. 🙄

I wish I had screenshots for you all, but, like I said, my Blog was almost immediately taken down after the incident, which I find crazy as nothing I Posted in regards to this was out of line in any way. I did have some questionable shit on my Blog due to my endless defense against trolls, but like I said before, none of it had ever gotten pulled until then, so I'm really not sure what happened. I checked his Blog, but I can no longer find the Post there.

My guess is that Neil has some very serious issues with women &, quite frankly, I'm not suprised. I feel terrible for cracking up at him being dragged through the mud when I first got online this morning. I just saw part of the Post on FB via Threads & couldn't read it all, so I wondered what he did this time. I could never have imagined that it had to do with a SA or I would never have cracked a joke. I will try to be fully informed before I Post from now on, I just really felt a sense of vindication & closure when I saw that, & now even more so. And to that asshole, I will never wake up & regret insulting Neil Gaiman; Maybe if he wasn't being an entitled piece of shit with a broken moral compass I never would have done it. It just goes to show you that we need to stop idolizing celebrities. "You don't know these people."

I hope any of his victims continue to come forward so he can get his just desserts. On a personal level, I am so, so sorry that this happened to you & I empathize with you.

-LDA

Context:

[kiwibubbles5]

So. I have never let anyone read any fanfiction I have written. Ever. Nothing where I have to write in-character for an existing character, and CERTAINLY nothing that's x reader. (This one is y/n's pov) But I'd already started writing this and I've seen that the Markiplier Tumblr community is so heckin supportive. And with all the amazing art and writing I see from all of you, I couldn't hoard my own story like a lil protective possessive gremlin, I wanted to contribute. sO HERE'S THIS I GUESS. Starts with the final scene from ISWM and has some... aftermath, I guess? A continuation. Captaineer. 7,036 words. I'm long winded. Cannot be easily read as platonic lmao. Lian = a random crewmember I made to be the Captain's good friend. aaaaaaa im scared

I wake up to the oh-so familiar computer's voice... "Software update complete. Initializing Wakey-Wakey Protocol. Current ship status is -" My stomach clenches. "Nominal." I blink several times. Do I believe that? Is everything....... Okay? My cryopod hisses open. I hesitantly emerge. Lian is cleaning the glass of my pod, and gives me a weird glance. Well, if I look as paranoid as I feel right now...

"Morning, Captain," Mark says entirely too cheerily. I whip around toward him. "Ooh, you look like you've been through hell!" He looks sympathetically at me. I'm too stunned to speak. Don't tell me he doesn't remember... "Yeah, cryo-sleep sucks. But coffee can help." He hands me a mug of coffee and walks away casually to go check on things.

Gunther strolls over. "Mornin', Cap. I'll be heading down with the advance team. If there's any hOrRiBlE aLiEnS down there, I'll take care of 'em."

"Y-yeah, thank you..." I manage to stammer quietly. He's here. He's okay. Everything's fine. 

"Not everything can be solved with explosions." Celci snarks at him.

"Ehh, not in my experience!" he replies nonchalantly. "I'll see you on the ground, Cap."

Celci shakes her head in exasperation, "You and Mark are one and the same." Gunther leaves the bridge and several other crew members file out as well - the advance team. Celci turns to me. She's here. She's okay. "Captain, all colonists are safe, healthy, and accounted for. But I'll keep my eye on them as they wake up." Everything's fine. She hesitates a moment, then her professionalism falls away the slightest bit as she looks at me with admiration. "Thank you... for... getting us here safe." She walks away before she can see the guilt that flashes in my eyes at that statement.

I blink away the tears trying to escape as Burt approaches me next. He's here. He's okay. Everything's fine. "Captain, you are a child of the universe. No less than a tree or a star, you deserve to be here. And whether or not it's clear to you, no doubt the universe is playing out as it should." I gaze into his eyes. I can never figure him out... Is he just rambling? Or... does... Does he know? All that doesn't seem like anything he would say otherwise... Unless he knew... And, as always, there's more behind those eyes than I can figure out.

The computer's voice cuts in. "Burt, prepare main reactor for down-cycle and maintenance."

Burt sniffs and tips his cap slightly. "Captain." And walks away.

"Burt..." I mean to call after him, but it comes out as almost a whisper, and he's too far away to hear me.

Everything is so... normal. And it's completely overwhelming. To expect the fires and asteroids and disasters and… they’re not coming. They don’t come.

The computer again. "Please report to your assigned drop pods." I have enough wits about me to at least know that I leave last. There are others managing disembarking. So I wander, in a haze, over to Mark, who stands by the control panel.

"Computer, let's get those blast shields open," he says, pressing the proper buttons. The view from the front window is revealed; I recognize the planet instantly and move closer. That's it. That's our destination. It's here. It looks stunning. Everything's... fine? "Ah, the trip was smooth.” Mark comes over to the window, too. “Just a few rocks, a couple cosmic rays. Nothing the computer couldn't handle on its own." I stare, speechless, at his face. At the same time as relief washes over me - relief for the crew, the colonists, that maybe they'll be alright - at the same time, panic rises inside me. Panic for my own future. Because the longer Mark holds together his completely calm demeanor, the more I'm convinced that he doesn't remember. That I'll have to hold onto this secret all by myself.

"Acknowledged," pipes the computer. "All systems are fully operational. All crew accounted for. Disembarkation under way." I blink several times. It's just so... disconcerting to hear anything but error messages from those speakers.

"She is a beauty, isn't she, Captain?" says Mark reverently, drawing my attention back to the planet. "The long-range scans did not do her justice. Perfect in almost every way." He continues in a more practical tone, "We'll still have to do top-to-bottom scans once we're down on the surface, but we're moving equipment as fast as we can. The crew is eager to get off the ship and onto solid ground... I think you can understand the sentiment." Was there a hint of something in that last sentence? His tone of voice? His glance at me? Or am I grasping at straws, desperate for anything to indicate he might remember? He gazes out the window, not meeting my eyes for a moment. Glances toward the ground at my feet, then finally looks me in the eyes. "And, uh... thank you. ... for, uh... not giving up on me. ... Just... thank you." I spend a few moments processing that. Thoughts whirling through my head. Searching his eyes for some sign. Burt, I was uncertain about - I’m always unsure about. But I know Mark. That statement makes all the sense in the world if he remembers, and it’s complete nonsense if he doesn't.

I come close to him, so we can talk and no one else will hear. Staring with desperation into his eyes. "Do... do you remember??” I whisper. He blinks once. Nods twice, slowly. "E... everything?"

He's looking equally intensely and searchingly at me. "... Yes.” He catches my doubtful, worried expression and reads it perfectly. “... I... I died before we jumped in the wormhole. … Ou…” He swallows, and his voice gets even quieter than it was, “out of this window.” Oh, my God. I hoped… but I didn’t think it was possible. He didn't even remember that back when we were in the wormhole, talking to the bandit. I don’t know how he does now, but I’m glad. He asks me in return, "D... do you remember everything?"

I see the guilt in his eyes and I grip his shoulder firmly. "Yes," I say, hoping the forgiveness comes through in my eyes and my voice. I hesitate a moment. Sigh. "Look, no one can know."

"Y-you don't have to protect me..." he replies. He says that. But he sounds so vulnerable. Pained. Broken. He looks away in shame. He was faking nonchalance just in case I didn't remember, and now his composure is breaking.

"No. Stop that. Look at me." My order-giving tone suddenly takes over. He meets my eyes again, looking a little surprised. "No one finds out. They can't handle it, they shouldn't have to process it, they wouldn't trust either you or me." I doubt either of our reputations would be improved. I turn my body to face him full-on, and my voice softens. "And I will always protect you." That made him flustered. But I don't care, it’s the truth. That still isn’t the only reason we need to hide this from the others, at least for now. I try to purge the sentimentality out of my voice. "Hey. Get it back together. I have a plan. We're both gonna get some rest. Just... keep... pretending everything is fine. Cuz... cuz maybe it is."

"... Yeah. Yeah, okay." He gives me his best fake smile. It's very good. No one would notice besides me. I give him my best fake smile. It's very good. No one would notice besides him.

I turn back to the window and take several swallows of coffee, desperate to stay alert. I... I need to tell him. I can't keep hiding this from him. How I feel. We can't have any secrets, not a single one. Tonight. I'll tell him as soon as we're alone. But right now, it's time to set up a chance to get some rest. I pull out my tablet and call for Celci; it's only a few minutes before she arrives on the bridge, surely having delegated her cryo duties to her team members. I would be lost without all the people on this crew. I take the last sip of my coffee and turn to Celci. "Captain? What do you need?" she asks.

"Hi. Celci. Listen. Ah… You're in charge. For tonight." She looks surprised, curious. "Mark and I are... exhausted." She tries to interrupt, worried since cryo-sleep is her specialty, but I don't let her. "Now, it could've been the cryopods, it could also have been... honestly, anything. Excess stress beforehand, lack of sleep ahead of time... It - it doesn't matter, Celci, it's okay." She isn't placated, but she stays quiet. I’ll have to come up with some better excuses eventually. "We're totally okay. We just really need a break. Listen, ah... all I need is for you to get a safe camp set up and then kinda keep a lid on the party, no one’s working too hard this first night… I... I'm so sorry I have to ask this of you -"

"That's quite alright, Captain. I appreciate that you would entrust me to take charge." Usually, she looks excited every time I give her a responsibility like this; she loves to be in charge, she loves to know I trust and respect her. But now, she just looks worried.

I smile at her. "Of course! Ah... Yeah, tonight that's all there is. I..." I sigh heavily at the thought of everything there is to do after that.

Celci tilts her head at me, calculating. Not sure what's up, but certain something is up. She isn't stupid. She tells me encouragingly, "Captain, I really don't mind. I promise. Once we’re off the ship, I’m done with cryo stuff. I was gonna be helping with whatever was needed anyway.” She hesitates before taking my hand comfortingly. “I am at your service, and if what you need is a break, then I'm happy to manage things for a while."

I beam gratefully at her. "Thank you, Celci. Here, let me..." I start tapping at my tablet, giving her access to the first few weeks of master files and lists for what needs to be done. "Just in case..." I mutter. It'll be hard to balance the rest I need versus my responsibilities to the colony. I look up at her. "Just in case. And you can always talk to me if you need, you know how to contact me and I'll make sure you know where I am."

She scans through the files, scrolling quickly. "Sounds good, Captain." Celci smiles supportively. But I also see in her eyes the intention to find out what's going on. And that's okay. I'll... Maybe I'll tell her a bit about it. I'll tell her as much as I can without hurting her too much. But for now, I can trust that the colony will be alright for as long as Mark and I need to rest.

We start to turn away from each other, but I add one last disclaimer before she goes. "Oh, and, uh... Celc? Try not to be too much of a buzzkill… you know, don't get TOO strict on them. Just... If Gunther is tellin ya you need to learn to loosen up or take a joke, take a second look at what's going on. Obviously, you should feel completely free to ignore him… most of the time... But..."

She grins a little sheepishly. "I understand. I'll make sure to talk to the others, and to you. Compromise. It'll be alright."

I give her a firm nod and a trusting smile. She moves away to help guide everyone off the ship. Before I can ask the computer for more coffee, Lian comes up behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see her looking very concerned. "Heyy. I'm okay, I promise,” I tell her. I lie to her.

"Are you sure?" she asks hesitantly. "Mark's right... You looked like you'd been through hell."

"Heh. Ah, no, I'm... Did you hear what I was telling Celci?" She nods. Technically, at her ranking, she shouldn't be eavesdropping on Celci and I, but she's my best friend. Well... besides Mark. But he's different.

"Do you think it was a problem with the pods?" says Lian, a little doubtfully.

"I..." I think that's the excuse that makes the most sense, but I feel awful throwing Celci under the bus like that when I know there was no malfunction. "I don't know." I stare blankly ahead for a moment, trying to come up with the perfect lie. A few moments of slightly awkward silence. It is not perfect, but something comes to me. "I actually don't think Celci had time to check the pods on the bridge herself. She must've assigned it to someone else and there was something they didn't quite catch. Maybe. I dunno for sure, but really, it's fine." I think that's the best I can do with my current state of  mind. Hopefully,everyone was distracted and busy enough on our day of departure that they won’t remember details.

Lian nods uncertainly. "Well, let me know if you guys need anything... Uh, I'm gonna... I'll..."

I smile warmly at her. "Yeah, you're good. Go ahead and focus on your checklist, we'll be okay." She heads off the bridge. I turn to look at Mark, making sure he's still there. I hope no one will think it's too unusual if I stick close to him. We hang out a lot normally… it… won’t seem weird that I need to know where he is at every moment… right?

I look down at my empty coffee cup. I'd need about a million more of these to feel even 60% awake. Wait... oh my goodness. Oh… that’s so sweet!! I didn't even realize earlier. The mug says "#1 Captain.” It's silly, it’s stupid, but it makes my heart swell. Such a small thing in the face of all the mistakes I've made, all the lives I should've saved... but it means so much, casually handed to me by Mark. Geez, I’m getting VERY sappy over a MUG.

I shake it off and look back out the window. I should think about what I'm gonna say to everyone... I know I have to make a speech. A few minutes pass. Mark speaks up then, "Well, I should -" He begins to turn to walk away. I wordlessly catch him by the arm and spin him back around to look out the window. He looks at me, blinks, and doesn't ask any questions. Just stays with me, standing by my side.

It isn't long before the computer announces, "Passenger disembarkation complete. Main crew may now depart the ship."

"Okay, everyone, let's move out!" I say, and we file neatly off the bridge. I stay at the back, keeping an eye on everyone. But mostly Mark. Transport pods are filled. We are ejected, and the features of the planet grow closer and closer, more and more clear. I can’t help but look back at the Invincible II… behind us. We’re out. I can only pray that Mark and I will feel better when we spend more and more time away from that cursed ship.

When we enter the atmosphere, the artificial LED lights switch off, and something like the sunlight of Earth fills the spacecraft. The pod touches down gently, settles. Everyone else exits the other pods, excited. Soon, Mark and I are the only ones left in ours. We linger back, gathering the strength to stand up. I make it to the doorway and catch a glimpse of the crowd of crew members and colonists outside. The sight halts my steps. I feel Mark come up behind me. "... How can I face them?" I ask him quietly. Sure, they’re all standing on green grass, beneath a blue sky, in the sunlight, safe and unharmed. Sure, none of these colonists exploded. But…

He takes me gently by the shoulders and turns me around to face him. "Make the smile," he says, giving me a fake smile in demonstration. "Use the speech voice. And... It's gonna be okay." He spins me back around and gives me a little nudge of encouragement to exit the pod. I start walking into everyone's view.

"Stay close to me," I mutter to him. Pathetically. I should be the one comforting him. Supporting him. I'm the captain, I shouldn't be so needy.

But all he says in response is, reassuringly, "I will." And I feel him walking close beside and a little behind me.

I make my way to a spot where it seems everyone can see me. Mack rushes up and hands me a voice amplifier. "Thank you," I tell him. He rushes off into the crowd with a nod and a salute. I switch on the amplifier and speak into it. "Okay, can everybody hear me?" Looking out over the crowd, I see many nodding heads. Deep breath. Fake smile. Speech voice. "Awesome! Well... First and foremost, you should know I did not write this ahead of time. So." A chuckle from the crowd.

"You never do, Cap." Gunther shouts from the front.

That earns a chuckle from me. "Feel free to tease me about that after you've tried making a speech, kay? ANYway, we made it! We are here... breathing the air, standing on the ground of a planet *lightyears* away from Earth. We made it." Some cheers, a bit of applause. I smile at them, trying to feel how I would feel if… everything had gone to plan. "This is a BIG deal. This is a historic moment for all humanity, and every one of you is a part of it. Now, as I'm sure you all know, the hard work is not over. There's still a lot to be done. But this... this is a great accomplishment. All you did to prepare for our journey, even having the courage to volunteer for this in the first place... I'm very proud of you all. And you should be proud of yourselves." I begin to tear up already. Dang it. "And I wanna thank each and every one of you for volunteering and for following through on all the work it took to get here. I-i -" My voice wavers a little. "I wanna thank the crew..." I wipe my eyes quickly. "I'm so sorry, guys, this has been my dream since I was little and I could not be here without all of you." Good lies are half truths, the best lies are technically entirely true. It has been my dream. But at this point, that is not why I'm emotional.

I try to steady myself. "I want to thank the crew." The heads of departments stand at the front of the crowd, a little removed from the colonists and the rest of the crew. "Gunther, in charge of Asteroid Defense Systems!" I gesture toward him. "And everyone who worked under and with him, for keeping our ship intact." I clap for a few moments and the audience follows. Gunther gives a nod of acknowledgment, hiding his bashful and pleased look pretty well. "Burt, in charge of the Main Reactor! And everyone who worked under and with him, for keeping our ship moving." Another gesture, another round of applause. Burt does not hide his bashfulness well. "Celci, Head of Cryo! And everyone who worked under and with her, for keeping us all safe and sleeping." She basks in the applause, but when she sees the genuine, deep gratitude in my eyes, she smiles a little more humbly. "And absolutely everyone on this wonderful crew. We couldn't have done this without any of you. Thank you so much for all you have done."

I take a deep breath. I will not cry. I will get through this. "And... Last but certainly not least..." I say. Mark tenses up behind me, knowing what’s coming, resistant to the praise. Well, too bad. "I want to thank our Head Engineer, Mark." I reach an arm behind me and wrap it around him, pulling him forward to stand beside me. "Who built our ship." I can't look him in the eyes right now, I will cry. So I keep my gaze directed out over the crowd. "Who spent his hard work and his precious time -" My voice will not break. I will tell them, with composure, what he did for them. As much as I can tell them. "He put his heart and soul into the Invincible II. He made it possible for us to travel to this new land. To start this new life, to be here, now, in this moment that will go down in history." And as I talk about the years he spent building the ship, I'm thinking of the unfathomable amount of time he spent building the warp core. Trying to save everyone. How much he went through for them. And for me. "So for everything you sacrificed for this dream -" I squeeze his shoulder. "For every... iota of care and attention, for... for everything you have done. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you, Mark." I can tell he's shedding tears at this point. If I look at him, I will break into a thousand pieces.

"You're welcome, Captain," he says to me quietly, in such a sincere, strained, emotion-laced voice that I almost break anyway. I pull my arm away, but I stay standing very close to him.

I clear my throat and blink away the impending tears. "SO, as long as you all know how grateful I am for you, there won't be much further ado. We're going to get a safe and secure camp set up, to have somewhere to stay tonight and until we build more permanent housing. And then... for tonight, I want to celebrate." I grin at them. "You deserve it. We deserve it. So, ah... limit the drinking, cuz you won't wanna be hungover tomorrow... But, enjoy yourselves. Rest or party or chat... Shake off that cryosleep, have a great night! Ah, and just as a final note…” Here goes. “Mark and I are actually completely exhausted.” Vague mutterings and some concerned faces come from the audience. But hopefully, if I sound nonchalant, they won’t worry. “Maybe we didn't follow doctors orders well enough, maybe we were too stressed, maybe there was a small issue with the bridge cryopods... I honestly may have forgotten to put them on Celci's list, and I know we were all relying on lists that day. But, I'm too tired to figure it out, and it’s too trivial to care. It's not a big deal, we're fine.” And my happy-go-lucky tone does seem to be calming everyone down. “But it does mean, ah, that you might not see the two of us for a few days. Celci is in charge until Mark and I are rested up a bit more. I've appointed Gunther as official director of 'loosening up a little,' so." The audience chuckles. I see Gunther elbow Celci playfully. "And I'm always available for emergencies or advice. I’m right here, and if you need me, come get me. But, ah... You're all in good hands, and I want everyone to have a great time tonight! Well done, all!"

Switching off the voice amplifier, I try to walk away toward the pod full of camp construction supplies as the audience erupts in applause and cheers. But Celci raises her voice over the noise. "I think there's one person who hasn't been thanked, Captain!" I wince. Of course I appreciate it, but I've really got to get away from the colonists. Away from the crew. The facade is breaking. She must notice the subtle body language of my reaction, because she continues with, "I know you're tired, so I'll be brief. Thank you, Captain, for everything you have done. We couldn't be here without you." Immediate clapping, wild cheering, sounds of agreement. All of it feels horribly bittersweet.

"WE LOVE YOU, CAPTAIN!!" someone cries from the crowd, voice raising above the others.

Celci rolls her eyes, but I just yell back, "I LOVE YOU GUYS, TOO!" No voice amplifier. No professionalism or “manners” like Celc surely wants. Just two idiots screaming across a field at each other. And that’s somehow less bitter and more sweet.

Mark and I walk several yards away to the sounds of raucous applause. The tears have finally started dripping down my cheeks, so I keep my back turned to everyone. I'm still heading in the direction of the camp supplies when someone taps my shoulder. "Y/n?" It's Lian. I quickly wipe my face with the back of my hand and turn to look at her. I realize my lies during the speech don't quite line up with the ones I told her. But I only presented them as theories, so maybe it's alright. She isn't looking at me suspiciously, just... worried. "I... took a few people and we set up bedrooms for you guys. The nice beds. They're just in a couple of the pods, but we kept the temp regulation on inside."

Oh my gosh. She's the best. I take her hand in both of mine. "Thank you so much, Lian. Thank you."

She smiles. "You're welcome. Now go, you look exhausted. Get some rest. Get a lot of rest." She turns her gaze to Mark. "Both of you. They're over there, those two." Lian points, and then walks away to help with camp preparations. Geez, she's the sweetest.

Mark and I make eye contact. I think we both feel bad deserting our responsibilities like this, but... we need to. We won't be any good to them in this condition. We come to this agreement nonverbally, and just walk toward the place Lian pointed out.

The two pods are a little removed from the others, doors facing across from each other. We walk over between them. I'm walking on the left, Mark on the right, so logically, we'd split off in those directions and take those rooms. Which is what Mark begins to do, reluctantly. I catch his arm. "No," I say simply. He looks over at me in relief. I pull him into the pod on the left, and the door hisses shut behind us. A moment of quiet stillness. And then, both our legs just give out. We collapse to the floor at the same time, Mark slumped back against the wall, me on my knees. I then fall against the wall, too, half-leaning on him. Utter silence envelops the room. Minutes pass that feel like hours. Or maybe it's hours passing that feel like minutes. Neither of us are asleep, but we aren't moving, either. Not speaking. Not even thinking. I finally say something first. "We... we should..." I wanna say we should sleep. But there's something I have to tell him first. I promised myself. I shift to look into his eyes. "I have to tell you something." He looks at me with worry. "I have to tell you something and I'm scared to cuz I don't know what's gonna happen but I can't hide it anymore because we can't have any secrets. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I was just... scared." Well, now he looks all nervous and afraid and I have to just spit it out before he thinks it's something worse than it is. I sit up straight and look him square in the eyes. Deep breath. No secrets. "I love you, I love you so much, romantically, with everything I have, you are my everything, I love you and I always have, since like a few months after we met I've loved you, and I never told you, because obviously that's so inappropriate, I'm your Captain and your boss and that's a huge problem, but I couldn't help it, and then we were such good friends that I didn't wanna ruin that, but I can't hide it anymore, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I just hope you're not freaked out and we can still-"

Suddenly, a pair of warm, soft lips presses against mine, stopping my babbling. My heart rate skyrockets. I hadn't even noticed him moving closer, hadn't paid attention to his reaction, I was too focused on getting this confession out. I was so afraid of admitting this, so sure it would drive him away... But... My eyes flutter shut. He's moving his lips gently against mine. I'm moving with him. His hands cup my face. It's... so much better than I dreamed. And I have. Literally dreamed about this. Not a small number of times. I pull back just slightly for a moment, looking into his eyes. "... Really?" I whisper against his mouth, barely audible.

Mark slides his hands down to my waist. "I love you, too, y/n," he replies, softly, sincerely. "I can't believe you didn't know that sooner."

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him against me, resting my head on his shoulder. "We-ell... heh..." I'm embarrassed to admit the reason I never considered the possibility. But he already knows it. "I didn't wanna get my hopes up...  that it wasn't just platonic. And... a-and it's a little hard when... everyone thinks I'm gorgeous and acts weird around me..." I blush a little.

But Mark doesn't seem to think it's cocky or narcissistic of me to say that. He tightens his arms snugly around my waist. "A-and..." His voice is shaky. "And you chose... me? O... out of everyone who's obsessed with you... y-you could have anyone... and you... want... me?"

I break out of the hug and take him firmly by the shoulders, looking at him sternly. "Mark. Of course I want you. You are - amazing. You're responsible and smart and hardworking and caring and sweet and you never give up. I trust you more than anyone. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me believe in myself, you make me feel like -" I swallow a sob. "Like I'm not alone." Tears are spilling down his cheeks. I think he wants to smile, but he believes this is all too good to be true. "Hey." I murmur, gently wiping away his tears with the pad of my thumb. In many other circumstances, I would feel the same... I have trouble taking praise to heart. I've never quite believed anyone actually adores me the way they act like they do. "Listen." But Mark... I know he would never lie to me. He respects me too much to pretend to love me. He knows I would never want that. I have enough doubts about everyone else's feelings about me. He knows I need at least one person I can always count on. "Mark." I can only hope he trusts me just as much. I don't want him living with doubt. "Would I lie to you??"

He sniffs a tiny sniff. Geez, he's so adorable. "No."

I'm cupping his face in my hands now, making sure he doesn't break his gaze away. "You trust me, right?" He nods. "I would never lie to you. Especially about this."

He sighs, conflicted. "Yeah, okay. I trust you. It just... feels... too good to be true."

One corner of my mouth quirks up in a half-smile. "I knew that's what you were thinking. And you need to not. Think that. You need to love yourself." A fresh bout of tears springs to his eyes. Oh. Oh no. He struggled with insecurities before all this wormhole madness. Before… His hands are balling up into fists. He’s shaking.

What am I gonna do with this man? This beautiful, precious, perfect man who hates himself. Who will be plagued by guilt and trauma forever. I can't think of the words to help right now. I can’t imagine any words that could help at all. So I just wrap an arm around his neck and kiss him, burying my other hand in his soft, black hair. I try to do something more helpful than rambling on… if I can show him how much I love him, that I forgive him… I feel his hands come to my hips as he begins to kiss back. It stays slow and sweet and gentle. I think maybe we're both feeling a tiny bit... safe. For the first time in a long time. We don't stop till we're both out of breath. We pull back from the kiss and instantly wrap our arms around each other tightly. I don't know about him, but I'm afraid to let go. A few moments pass. "We should get some sleep." I say. Mark nods. Keeping an arm around my waist, he pulls me over to the bed. Lian did get the nice ones. Queen size, thick mattress, sheets and blankets and lots of pillows. It looks beyond heavenly - especially being the standard all-white; it’s like a fluffy cloud. I pull back the covers and collapse down on the mattress. Mark joins me, and I snuggle close to his side. His arm comes around me again. I curl my fingers around the lapel of his jumpsuit. We're both still in full uniform. Neither of us even briefly consider making the effort to change.

Mark pulls the sheets over us. "Hey, Captain? Uh... Y/n? What should -" He hesitates, nervous.

I smile at him. "Call me whatever you want. Honestly, the whole colony will know about this at some point, I don't think we can stop that. But, we can at least try to hide it, if you want."

He chuckles a little. "Yeah, we should probably at least try."

I hide my face in his chest for a moment before admitting softly, "I do love hearing you say my name, though."

He grins. "I'll have to work on using it when we're alone, then. Uh - anyway… y/n… I wanted to warn you, uh, that I might be a little clingy for a few... ah... years."

I wrap a leg around one of his. "Oh, I'm so glad you did not just say days. Because... Yheheheyeah. I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm not leaving your side for, like... a long time." He just beams in response. His smile is so beautiful. I hope someday, the deep sadness in his eyes goes away… I bet I have it, too. I hope we can heal from this. "Okay, goodnight. Sleep well, sweetie."

He blushes furiously. Oops, didn't mean to do that. It sorta slipped out. Still, he just replies, "You, too, y/n." I close my eyes and then peek to make sure his are closed. They are. Hopefully, he's exhausted enough that it'll be easy to get some rest, despite any flustered feelings I may have accidentally caused. I spend the next few minutes struggling to stay awake, listening to his breathing. Once it evens and I know he's asleep, I'm out like a light. I'm pleasantly surprised to not even have any nightmares. Must be too tired to dream.

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As Head Engineer and Captain, we're both pretty light sleepers. Even as exhausted as we are, both of us snap our eyes open at the gentle knock that comes on the door. I look up at Mark. "I'm not moving," I whisper, "unless you care?"

"... Too tired to care," he responds.

I nod. My sentiment exactly. "Who is it?" I call.

"It's me, Captain!" Celci's voice. I look at Mark again. He doesn't look worried about her seeing us... In fact, he almost looks... smug.

"I told her I'm your favorite," he says quietly.

I roll my eyes - those two and their squabbles, what am I going to do with them? - and call out to Celci. "Come in!" The door opens.

Shock is evident on her face. "Captain, wh-" She looks from my calm, unabashed expression to Mark's smug one. "I -"

"CC," I call her by her nickname, wanting to forget professionalism for now. Because this is possibly the least professional thing I could ever do. She meets my eyes. "Whatd'ya need?" I ask simply. 

"U-um... I…” With difficulty, she puts aside her confusion and focuses. “I had some questions. For you." From her tone, these are not advice questions. They're suspicious ones. Curious about the weird, half-baked lies. I just nod to indicate she should continue. "Ah..." She shuts the pod door behind her. Sits down in a chair I hadn't even noticed was there earlier. "Captain, I think you already know what I'm going to say." She pauses, but continues when I don't reply. "There were no issues with the cryopods on the bridge. I had a free minute earlier, and I checked them." Pause. Trying to look at me and not shoot glances at Mark. "I also distinctly remember all medical analyses being meticulously checked. And, honestly, you two can't have been that much more stressed than everyone else on the ship. Not to mention the fact that stress doesn't alter the effects of the cryopods." Translation, all my excuses were terrible. At least, to her. Everyone else most likely bought them, but not the expert on the cryopods. "So... what really happened? You two are never like this. You must really be completely exhausted, because this isn't like you." Mark begins to protest, but Celci clarifies, "No - not the - whatever this is..." She gestures to the two of us, "I mean, hiding away when there's work to be done. You've literally never done that. Something's wrong."

I give her a wry grin. If there’s one thing I know about my crew… they might be dumb sometimes, but they’re not stupid. If that makes any sense… I reply, "I hate to say it, but I'm not gonna tell you, CC." I can see in her eyes that's the answer she expected. "I really am sorry. But... It's over, and there's nothing you can do to help. And I do not need it weighing on your mind.” She shifts in her seat, and I know exactly what her argument is. “Now, yes, I know - I know, I know. The curiosity is gonna bother you a little, too. But I..." I sigh. I hate hiding things. But sometimes people deserve better than the whole truth. "I can't have you thinking and worrying about something that's over. Done with and long gone.” Or, at least, it better be. “I'm sorry, Celci. I hope you understand."

She looks searchingly at me for a few moments, then takes a deep breath and sighs with a hint of resignation. "Okay. Thank you, Captain. At least... at least now I know, you know I'm not stupid. At least you're admitting something happened. I'm not happy about it... but…” Another sigh. “I'll try to forget about it."

I smile sadly at her. "Thank you.” She starts to get up. “Uh, hey, before you go... What time is it? How long were we asleep?"

She makes a reluctant face, like she knows I'll feel guilty when I hear the answer. "Four days, Captain."

At first, I cringe a little. But Mark squeezes my shoulder, and I feel a little better, like I know exactly what he’s trying to remind me of. All we did for them... Maybe it's okay to rest for a while. And if everyone is doing okay... "How is everything? On schedule? No unforeseen disasters? Do you need help with anyth-"

"Everything's fine, Captain," Celci says, smiling reassuringly. "It's okay, we're okay. On schedule, going according to plan. I promise you can trust me to take care of everything." The earnest look in her eyes melts my heart. God, I love my crew. She's worried about me, and Mark, no matter how much she'd deny that, she wants to help in any way she can, she's so determined to make me proud. I sit up and scoot across the bed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Celci. I don't know what I'd do without you." I hope she knows how much I appreciate her. I hope they all do.

She blushes a tiny bit. "You're very welcome." She stands up, forcing me to let my hand fall.

Why won't any of you believe me when I tell you how amazing you are? I wonder. But then again, I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if I got too upset with my crew for that.

"You guys should take as long as you need. I will let you know if we need you, but I hope we can let you rest." CC begins to turn to leave, then looks back over her shoulder at us. "Whatever happened, sleeping for four days straight isn't normal. I hope you feel better soon." And the pod door hisses shut behind her.

Staring at the door, I think about all the different versions of her, and Gunther, and Burt. Loyal and trusting, always there for me and willing to listen. The only times any of them betrayed me were when they thought they had to, to save the colonists. To save the ship. When their trust had been pushed so far it hit the breaking point. I don't blame them. Honestly, I'm so proud of them. Maybe the Celci and Gunther and Burt here with me now aren't the same ones who did those things, but now I know what they're capable of. Now I know for sure that they'll do anything to protect our people. Maybe someday, I can thank them properly for everything I know is in their hearts. Maybe I can tell them everything that really happened, someday... not soon, but someday.

My train of thought is broken by a soft, adorable snore from Mark. Aw, he's asleep again already. He makes a little troubled noise, and I hurry back over to his side, wrapping my arms snug around him. No nightmares allowed, Mark. I'll protect you. I stay awake until I'm sure he's sleeping peacefully, then nod off quickly next to him. The last thing I remember thinking is, CC's right. It is not normal to sleep this long. But I'm still so tired…

[holding-hands-and-hearts]

On Distant Crashing and Those Two Scoundrels

From the very second CT-27-5555 stumbled his way onto the Resolute, Rex knew he was going to be trouble. Echo, too, in a different way - Rex had been like him once, gluing his mind to the confines of the reg manual, because it was the only thing that managed to seem constant. How to be a good soldier, codified into exactly seven hundred fifty-eight sections and forty-six additional protocols.

Fives, though….

Rex watched him from the back of the room with just a hint of wariness in his gaze.

And then Jesse got involved, with his wry wit and scoundrel’s grin, and Rex’s life got harder the second those two met each other’s eyes.

They weren’t The Duo in the same way that Jesse and Kix were, or Fives and Echo, glued to each other’s hips and walking in step even when they didn’t mean to. But whenever a distant crash - sometimes accompanied by copious amounts of cursing - sounded in the halls of the ship, Rex was already putting both of their names on refresher duty for the next rotation. He didn’t have to think about it, at this point. Crash, scream, and a long, drawn-out sigh from Rex.

He could identify the victims without seeing them, too. The vode, caught off guard, swore without syntax, airing the dirtiest words Mando’a had to offer in no particular order but with the same passion. General Skywalker shouted, creatively, in Huttese that Rex didn’t care to understand the precise meaning of. General Kenobi’s equally horrified and amused “oh, DEAR!” could be heard throughout the ship. And Ahsoka swore just so she could have a justifiable reason to, listing off as many profanities as she could before the indignant squawks of anyone else within earshot caught up to her.

Jesse and Fives were a force to be reckoned with, reveling in the chaos they created, leaving collapsed piles of havoc and hilarity in their wakes. They were a pain in the shebs, a constant rueful headache that ached at Rex’s temples, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. So, for the most part, he let them be, content to pretend he couldn’t hear the fits of laughter and indignant howls whenever they so much as bumped shoulders.

Rex was up early for morning rotation, cradling a cup of caf in his hands. The generals conferred around the holotable, the legion listening to the day’s updates with varying states of attentiveness and vacancy.

They seemed perhaps a little more antsy today.

Ridge snickered.

Kix’s eyebrows were raised so high they drove lines into his forehead before they disappeared into his hairline. Rex could practically hear his voice - seriously?

Something sank in Rex’s stomach.

He forced himself to look for Echo before he found either one of the disasters, and almost wished he hadn’t. His expression was one of complete and utter helplessness, resigned to the fact that things were about to blow up and there was not one single kriffing thing he could do about it.

There was nothing in the reg manual that could tell anyone what to do when Jesse and Fives showed up to morning briefing wearing only their boxer briefs.

Karking hells.

*******

Poor Rex.

Seriously, though, I wrote this and could not stop laughing. You know when sometimes, you can see *everything* going on, and all you're really doing is transcribing? Rex's tired mom face is permanently seared into my memory, and honestly I'm not mad about it.

So it's Clonetober Day 5 (check out @clonetober) - Favorite Duos or Trios/Drunk Confessions day! We all know that it's Jesse + Kix, and Fives + Echo, and that's the way of the world. But really, I imagine that quartet contains quite a bit of Jesse and Fives causing havoc and Kix and Echo watching those two run off giggling to their next disaster, exchanging expressions that are both agonized and amused.

Credit for the underwear idea goes to for_darkness_shows_the_stars on AO3 (or @stars-and-darkness here on Tumblr!) - she wrote an absolutely BRILLIANT piece entitled "Five Hundred and One Things the Members of the 501st Legion of the Grand Army of the Republic are Not Allowed to Do". Please go read it. It took me a half-hour of hysterical, rolling-on-the-floor, can't-breathe, should-count-as-an-ab-workout laughing to make it to the end, and is an experience I highly recommend.

[littlemisspascal]

Death and an Angel part 8

Helmetless + Death!Din and Cupid F!Reader

Summary:  “You have become the only one in the universe who can claim to uniquely know him.”

Rating: T

Word Count: 2,002

Warnings: fluffy fluff, some plot, swearing, reunions, soft!Din, Kuiil thinks Cupid is a fool, Kuiil’s backstory from canon, surprisingly little angst (it shocked me too)

Author Note: I want to apologize to those on the tag list not getting notified. I have no idea why Tumblr isn’t cooperating and I feel horrible about it. I love each and every one of you who spares time to read this segment/series and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.

Links to Part 1 and Part 7 and Part 9

Cross-posted on AO3.

Photo Inspiration:

The next morning you find Kuiil outside welding together two pieces of metal at his workbench. IG-11 tends to the small herd of blurrg the Ugnaught keeps in a large pen, feeding the two-legged creatures their breakfast. Although you were initially wary, the former assassin droid has been nothing but kind to you, if not a little obsessive about checking the bandage on your head every few hours.

“IG was explicitly warned by Death what would happen if your health declined in his absence,” Kuiil had informed you the previous evening when your attempt to stop the droid’s incessant fretting failed.

“He’s such a worrywart,” you muttered as IG-11 scanned your temperature, heart skipping a beat as it always does when you think about Din’s protective nature. There’s something unbelievably attractive about him making threats when it came to your wellbeing.

“A worrywart who left his gunship in my yard.” Kuiil aimed a sharp look towards the entrance of his home, as if he could see the Razor Crest from this distance.

You snorted a laugh at him calling Arvala-7’s desert landscape a yard of all designations, only for the rest of his sentence to register a beat later, making your eyebrows rise to your hairline. “Wait, what? He seriously left the Crest here? Why would he do that?”

“The quicker his trip to Nevarro, the quicker he returns to your side,” was the response, accompanied with a shrewd look implying you were a fool for asking such a question.

Your Ugnaught host reminds you of a grandfather figure; a bit prickly and blunt at times, but ultimately kindhearted and selfless at his core, wanting only what’s best for those in his care. Between his insistence you keep resting in his bed and IG-11’s nurse programming, you no longer wonder why Din chose to leave you with them, thoroughly convinced you’re receiving better around-the-clock care than most people experience in medcenters.

Kuiil turns when you approach him, pushing his goggles back to the top of his cap as he clicks off the welding torch, eyes giving you a cursory once-over. You feel better than you had yesterday, both headache and dizziness gone, and he must sense that since his head dips in a firm nod, satisfied with what he sees.

“Good morning,” you greet, smiling.

“Morning,” he replies. His expression turns repentant, eyebrows lowering. “My apologies for waking you, but I could not let these repairs remain unfinished.”

“It’s okay.” You tilt your head up towards the sky, enjoying the warmth of the early sunshine after spending the entire previous day cooped inside his home. “I’m supposed to report back to headquarters later today, so I needed to be up anyways.”

Hearing the words out loud grounds the upcoming meeting in reality. It’s really happening. Hours from now, you're going to have to tell your bosses everything, now including your new title as Din’s soulmate. Maker, you can just imagine Hess staring you down with those beady, rat-like eyes of his, asking question after question about you and Din.

And if Hess was serious before on the comlink—and you highly doubt the bastard’s ever told a joke in his life—then there is also the very real prospect of Moff Gideon being there to take part in your interrogation.

“Are you alright?” Kuiil asks, noticing how pale you’ve become. Without waiting for an answer, he ushers you over to a nearby stool. You sit, mouth opening to reassure him you’re fine, only to be startled by the knowing glint in his eyes. “I recognize your anxious face from my years as an indentured servant. You fear punishment from your superiors.”

Your eyes widen, stomach suddenly feeling hollow. “You were a servant?”

“From my birth until my hundredth year, yes.” The nauseous feeling intensifies. You knew Ugnaughts typically lived up to two-hundred years, meaning Kuiil had lived half of his lifetime in servitude. “Earning my freedom did not occur without harsh discipline.”

You draw in a shaky breath at that. It feels wrong, being worried about meeting with your bosses when there are others, such as Kuiil, who have endured far worse horrors.

“Those with power think it comes from weapons and control over others through means of fear and violence,” he continues, returning the welding torch to its proper placement in his toolbox. “True power comes from the strength of one’s hope. It allows you to believe in a better future for yourself and so long as you cling to it, no enemy can break your spirit.”

His rumbling baritone washes over you, calming the worst of your worries. You press your thumb against your soulmate marking, a nervous habit that has developed since you first saw it yesterday. You’ve become addicted to the warmth the mark emanates as it reassures you you’re not hallucinating its appearance.

“I just keep thinking about what their reactions are going to be when I tell them about me and him being together,” you confess, feeling shy as you duck your chin to avoid eye contact.

“Are you embarrassed of Death being your soulmate?”

Your head snaps back up, shocked by his bluntness. “What? No. Din means everything to me.”

The words seem too loud against the quiet atmosphere of the planet. They reverberate off seemingly every surface—the desert rocks, the Razor Crest’s steel paneling and the metal roof on Kuiil’s home—echoing for miles in every direction. Despite knowing that isn’t truly possible, you are unable to stop yourself from wincing.

“You gave Death a name?” Kuiil’s bafflement is visible in the way his head tilts, looking at you in a way that is reminiscent of Omera’s puzzled expression back on Sorgan.

"I didn’t.” You shake your head, for some reason feeling the need to clarify, “He named himself. It’s just something for me to call him when we’re around mortals.”

“I have known Death many decades now,” he begins, sounding no less confused despite your explanation. “He’s quite...particular about the mortal traditions he chooses to adopt, such as appearing as a human male and piloting a gunship.”

“Yeah, I know how picky he can be,” you say slowly, not understanding what his point is.

“Not once has he ever felt compelled to use a mortal name because, in his opinion, names establish ties."

“What does that mean?”

“Without a name, he is but another stranger amongst trillions of beings, unrecognized and unmissed,” Kuiil explains, and you find yourself leaning forward, elbows on your knees. “By giving you a name to call him by, he has tied himself to you in a way he has not permitted anyone else. You have become the only one in the universe who can claim you uniquely know him.”

“Huh.” You let out a long exhale, suddenly aware of your heartbeat pounding deafeningly in your eardrums as it begins to sink in just how monumental the gift of Din’s name truly is. “Well how bout that.”

And the shrewd look from last night makes a reappearance, conveying once again how foolish he thinks you are.

“I have spoken.”

~~

People tend to forget a Cupid’s bow is first and foremost a weapon of defense. Comprised of wood from a Brylark tree, sinew from orbaks, and a thin layer of a mudhorn’s horn, it can be compared to Din’s armor in that it is virtually indestructible. A Cupid carries two types of arrows: one made from kyber crystal meant to lighten one’s emotions or, on rare occasions, induce lust, and the other one made from a kyber crystal coated in ichor, meant to inflict harm against enemies. Once a target is hit, the effects are instantaneous and the arrow vanishes in a burst of sparkling light, regenerating in your quiver seconds later.

You underwent rigorous training to learn how to become a master of archery. Your bow is bound to your Cupid abilities, capable of being summoned to your aid and dismissed with a mere thought. You were taught how to control your breathing, learning that the expanding and contracting of your chest cavity during a shot can ruin your aim. Missing a target is one of the worst mistakes a Cupid can commit, meaning you must make every single shot count.

All that to say, Cupids are fierce archers as much as they are dedicated matchmakers.

They are also dangerous when startled unexpectedly.

You’re in the middle of tidying up Kuiil’s tiny kitchen space, a task you had insisted upon after he’d served you a delicious lunch, humming to yourself quietly as you scrub at the dishes when hands wrap around your waist, pulling you backwards towards someone’s chest.

You react completely on instinct, teleporting out of their hold and reappearing on the other side of the room, bow ready with an ichor arrow aimed directly at the assailant. It is only when the meager light of the nearby lantern reflects off their beskar helmet do you realize who you’re facing.

Immediately you lower and dismiss your weapon before pressing a hand over your chest where your heart is fluttering like a trapped bird. “I’m so sorry, Din,” you tell him, limbs trembling as it sinks in just how close you were to shooting him. “Maker, you scared me and—and I thought I—well, I don’t know what I was thinking, just that I had to—”

In between blinks he appears in front of you, yanking his helmet off with such ferocity your words catch in your throat. You have only the slightest of seconds to glimpse the arousal darkening his brown eyes before he slips a hand behind your neck and crashes your lips together.

He kisses you as if you’re gravity and he’ll float away if he dares to spare a moment to breathe, sending a current of warmth surging through your body. You thought the mere touch of his hand had been life-altering, but it is a mere candle compared to the wildfire his lips spark. Your eyes fall shut as you kiss back with an equal amount of fervency, bringing him closer by wrapping your arms around his neck, grinning at the groan the action spurs from deep within his chest.

There is the heavy thud of his helmet striking the ground before he’s wrapping his hand around your waist, slotting a thigh between your legs to ensure every inch of your bodies are touching. Your cheeks rub against the scratchiness of his facial scruff, an invigorating burn you think you could easily become addicted to.

An embarrassingly high-pitched whine escapes your lips when he pulls away a minute later. He’s never looked more attractive, mouth swollen and hair disarrayed from your roaming fingers. His hands cup your face, and it occurs to you as he swipes his thumbs over your cheekbones he isn’t wearing his gloves.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs, sounding slightly hoarser than usual and out of breath. His gaze roams your face, like he’s trying to re-familiarize himself with your features after the time spent apart. “Especially with your bow. When you pointed that arrow at me, there was this...fierceness in your eyes I’ve never seen before. Fuck, angel, you looked so gorgeous.”

“Seriously?” you say, raising an incredulous eyebrow, because of-kriffing-course he’d be the one being in the whole universe who is turned on by a weapon being pointed at him.

“Seriously.” He leans in, forehead pressing against yours, noses brushing. It’s hard to focus when he’s this close, like you’ve again entered that separate realm where it’s just you and him.

“Din, look,” you whisper, fighting the magnetic pull insisting you kiss him again long enough to show him your marked hand. “It’s real. I’m yours and you’re mine.”

The smile that stretches across his face when he sees it is nothing short of breathtaking.

“Angel,” he says, tilting your head so the words are spoken right against your lips. “I’ve wanted to hear you say those words ever since I gave you my name.”

Tag List: @leilei-draws​, @theocatkov​, @vintagesaph​, @stardust-and-starlight​, @adrieunor​, @remmyswritings​, @gallowsjoker​, @rhiannon-russo​, @randomness501​, @sylphene​, @softly-sad​, @maytheglitter​, @melobee​, @rogertaylorsfalsettogivesmehives​, @eleinemk​, @captain-jebi​, @aerynwrites​, @promiscuoussatan​, @stilllivindue2spite​, @coaaster​, @lin-djarin​, @becauseican2, @kay2304, @odelia-d32, @nicotinebirds

[blackberry-gingham]

🎉 🧠 💖✨

Good Anakin, goooood.... You've come to wade through more of my word salad I see 🤲🏻😂 Thank you for the ask btw!!! You know I love to talk lmao

🎉 What does it take for you to consider a fic a success?

Tbh I grade my fics on a chapter by chapter basis, but basically if a chapter I post gets at least 10-15 notes from the time that I post it at night to the time that I wake up to check on it in the morning, I get encouraged that the fic is well received and thus, successful lol

Any engagement under that and I assume that either A) the fandom/audience is simply nonexistent (a very real possibility half the time lol) or, more rarely B) that what I wrote just want that great lol

🧠 here's a character, tell us a headcannon

Well I think you were supposed to name a character lol, but on the very possible chance that you intentionally left it open, I'll give you one that I haven't already told you yet lmao.

Here we go: I've come around to the idea that Nightcrawler cannot swim, tbh.

Not as in LITERALLY like physiologically cannot, of course (although I can't say I'd want to attempt it with the surface area of only two fingers and my palm to scoop my way through the water. It'd be like paddling a canoe with a strainer fkdkdk ) more so in that he just never had/took the opportunity to learn given his role in the circus, then straight to the monastery afterwards. And really, why would he anyway tbh, lol

Most of it comes from the fact that there is simply just no situation where you're going to "trap" him in a body of water, you know? Maybe for a few seconds if he fell in or something he might freak out and start flailing around, treading water- but the second any further sense of self preservation kicks in, he'd almost certainly just panic-teleport himself to the nearest solid surface. No need for swimming at all

That, and if you're like me and like to also headcannon that his fur is more on the dense/wooly side, I think he knows himself well enough to understand how unnecessarily exhausting it would be trying to swim while you've basically got all the weight of a soaking wet quilt wrapped around you.

If you factor that in with his impressively low body fat and also the structure of his hands as stated above, he'd essentially need to work like three times as hard to 1) stay afloat and 2) actually go anywhere, as compared to an average weight/size human being and after all that and the rest, it's like- really. Why even bother to begin with, lol.

💖 what made you start writing?

Phew that last one was long, huh? I'll give a short answer for this one lol. I know I already answered my like full, og writing backstory, but my Tumblr writing origins was simply that I had gotten into the Beatles at the time and I wanted to create my own content as a result of my interest, and what better way then with my favorite talent? :D

Not too unlike my VERY beginning story tbh. Some things never change :)

✨ Complement your work lol

I feel like this is also the same thing as what I said last time lol, but I really like how my fics handle emotions and mental health.

That stuff is easy for me to write bc I'm just an emotionally/psychologically aware person, but it's also fun I think, both as a writer and a reader, just bc you don't really see fics that are trying to add legit and believable dimension to the character(s) they're writing about. Hell, sometimes you don't even see it done in canon lol. So it's nice to let the fandom experience that kind of stuff if they want it!

[entertainment]

Entertainment Spotlight: Osric Chau

If you’re a fan of Supernatural or the Arrowverse, you probably recognize actor, producer, writer, director, and martial artist Osric Chau. He landed his first leading role in Kung Fu Killer in 2008, after spending years training in martial arts with aspirations to work in stunts. The following year Osric played Nima, the Tibetan monk, in the blockbuster film 2012, and he recently produced and starred in the film Empty By Design. On the television front, he played genius high school student pulled into the role of prophet, Kevin Tran, in Supernatural, and is currently starring as Ryan Choi in the Arrowverse’s epic crossover event, Crisis on Infinite Earths. Over the years, Osric has more than found a passion for acting and filmmaking. He still enjoys stunts, and has enormous appreciation of the skill and sacrifices involved but he'll settle with doing as many of his own stunts as a production will allow. Osric took time out of his busy schedule to answer some of our questions. Check it out:

With Supernatural ending this year, what is your favorite memory from the show (either on or off camera)?

First day, first episode. The beginning of it all. Met everyone. Got to do some running around as Kevin. And Jared became a father that night. Such a crazy time.

If you could have a conversation with Kevin Tran, what would you want to ask him and/or talk about?

I'd probably talk him into doing some physical training so he could be a hunter too.

You just produced and starred in Empty By Design. What did you learn from the experience? 

I learned that I'd been holding back my whole life. That I'd been limiting myself in what I thought I could or could not do and that there really isn't anything that I can't do with passion, hard work and a couple of good friends.

How would you describe the plot of Empty By Design to a five year old?

So Barbie lives in her house, right? (Child says yes) And GI Joe's always fighting some bad dudes so he's kinda homeless, but he lives in his truck, right? (Child says yes as well) Well let's say Barbie leaves her house and her family and goes to school for years. And one of the bad guys kidnaps GI Joe and keeps him away from his truck for years. And one day Barbie comes back to her house, but things have moved around and it's just a little bit weird, GI Joe escapes the bad dudes, and now he's back in his truck but his brother changed it to a stick shift while he was away and he doesn't know how to drive it anymore, and they bump into each other and talk about how weird it feels to be back home again even though they belong there. That's what Empty by Design is about. Can you tell I'm bad with kids?

What inspired you to make Empty By Design?

I needed to do something for myself. And I found some friends that did too. I asked my roommate Drea if she could do anything, what would she want to do? She said go back home to the Philippines. I told her to write a script about that. This was all happening while we were moving into our new apartment and after daily Ikea trips for a week, the words Empty by Design popped out of her mouth.

Do you have any fun facts about the making of Empty By Design that fans would be surprised to find out?

We flew to the Philippines with one way flights without a budget and we somehow managed to raise the money within the first two weeks there.

Can you walk us through an average day on the set of Crisis on Infinite Earths?

"What're we doing right now?" "Why are they in that costume?" "Wait what happened before this?" "My beard is so itchy..." "Okay this feels like Comic Con! Am I too excited right now?"

You wake up tomorrow morning as Ryan Choi in the middle of Crisis on Infinite Earths. What do you do?

I recognize I am not as smart as him but thankfully better trained and stupid enough to run in with full confidence. I limber up and try not to get in the way.

How does the making of a crossover event differ from the making of a regular episode?

Well for starters the crossover event was filming 5 episodes at the same time, so that in itself is a feat. Now on top of that, you're trying to use the same actors on all of those episodes so to coordinate which character which set and which show at all times and then you have other actors from other shows that you need to coordinate with as well. It was a logistical miracle that they pulled off. Hats off to everyone that made it happen.

What’s next for you?

I'm writing a script right now that I'm gonna co-direct with a friend. It's about my parents and I started writing it after the realization that they're actually real people and getting older. Weird thing to consider but that really scared me and I had to force myself to take the time to appreciate them while I still can. Doing a movie for them is my way of saying I love you, and thank you for putting up with me my entire life. And I'm also in talk with a good friend of mine to starting a vegetarian restaurant in Vancouver. I won't go into the ambition that i have for both of these but they're high haha, and they both bring me back to Vancouver more often which goes back to me wanting to spend more time with my family.

Thanks for taking the time, Osric! Give Osric’s Tumblr a follow right here. 

[hacked-by-jake]

Hey Ho! :D

You will always find this post in my blog description.🥰

(Well, since there’s not really much information about me, here’s a post of things you’ve been interested in and some facts about me.)

(Thanks to the Anon for the motivation to do this here! <3)

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So, Hi! You can call me HBJ! I don’t want to mention my real name and age here. 😁

I started publishing my fanfictions here on Tumblr a little over a year ago and haven’t left since. xD

My mother tongue is not English, I am from Germany. So if you find some mistakes, please excuse it, I’m doing my best and still learning. <3

I honestly have no idea what to write here so, have fun, if anyone reads through this here. 😂 At least that’s a little bit of me. :D

>The Ask Box is always open. So feel free to ask a question if you are interested (but I want to warn you, I am not answering everything, but I will let you know in this case) < <3

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Let's start! ❤️🌹🎭

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First of all 10 Random Facts about me. This was asked by an anon. Here is the original post.

I’m a giant nerd, there’s no place in my room that’s not full of merchandise.

I prefer to read stories that are self-published, for example here on Tumblr or on other sites, rather than real books.

I have a problem with jackets, I have tons of them.

I usually dye my hair according to the colors of characters I like.It all started with green/purple - because of the Joker. And the last color I have at the moment is all green because of Joker / Loki from Marvel (Oups)

Almost all tattoos I have are about fictional characters (also Oups)

No one, really nobody knows what books/stories I read because that’s something very private to me.

I listen to music 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Also, it’s hard for me / I don’t like to talk about the music I listen to because this is very intimate for me for some reason.

When I watch a series, it’s at least 2 times behind each other, sometimes more often. But never just once.

Films that I watch for the first time and that excite me, I watch every second that I have time. When the movie is over, I start again unless there are several parts. But then I always watch my favorite one 500 times.

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Random questions from you.

(Asked by @procrastinatingrobin) -One place that you'd like to travel at least once in your life?

---- One of my biggest wishes is (what a cliché xD) New York. For example the “Joker Stairs”, which is one of my biggest dreams. *-*

I would love to travel to a lot of locations from my favorite movies/series.🤭

America in general is a dream for me (a German potato 😂😅).

But there are so many beautiful places to which I want to go. For example, I would love to travel to Tenerife. I know someone who lives there and every time I see pictures I get very jealous. xD

Unfortunately, I’m incredibly afraid of flying, so if that doesn’t improve, I’ll never get anywhere near these places.😫😂😂

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(Asked by Anon) How many tattoos do you have?😄

I love tattoo questions. 😂🤭At the moment I have eleven tattoos🥰

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(Asked by Anon) -What's your favorite animal?

Hmmm I don’t really know, I think they are dogs because I have a dog now. *-* But to be honest, turtles are so cool.🤔 My brother has a turtle named: Schiggy (based on Pokémon)🤭

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(Asked by Anon) -The stupidest thing that ever happened to you?

Ohhh hahaha there I have something good!😅Story Time with Hbj xD

Okay: As some might know, I’m a big fan of The Joker by DC.🃏Well, in 2019, the Joker movie with Joaquin Phoenix came to the cinemas and I was at the cinema premiere with my best friend. And the movie was absolutely amazing. I really wanted to watch the movie again..Aaaaand I was lucky because my best friend’s boyfriend also wanted to see the movie in the cinema so I went back to the cinema 5 days later to watch the movie again. I was so excited and so extremely happy that I trembled and could not stand still. xD And for these two reasons, I accidentally dropped my not really old phone. It just fell straight down on the stones in front of the cinema and the display was completely broken..Well, what can I say? I needed a new one.. 😂😅But the movie was still fantastic!😍🤭This is actually one of the stupidest things that ever happened to me. xD

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(Asked by @kyras-things) What are the little things that make your day happiest?

Oh that’s a really nice question! *-*Well, I have really little things that can make me happy. :)-It is enough for me when I wake up tomorrow and see my merchandise shelf😅 (This is right in front of my bed)This is for most something really small but for me really great and makes me happy. <3Other things are music, stroking my dog, messages on my phone, my hair color, my tattoos, when the sun is shining in the morning, coffee, riding longboard and of course (yes this is my absolute serious and not only so therefore said) tumblr and thus at the same time Duskwood. 💕I think these are the most important things. 🤭All I need is to see something that matters to me.😅🥰

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(Asked by @leetjep) Seriously....Do you ever sleep?

Very rarely😂 Last time I slept was in fall.😂

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(Asked by Anon) Ios or android?

Only related to the phone: Android.Yes, I stand by it!😂

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(Asked by @booklover-01040) Hello!I was wondering have you got any paranormal or creepy experiences? If no, then a nightmare that you will never forget.

Hey Ho! In fact, I haven’t experienced any paranormal things. Which is probably also because I don’t believe in that and I’ve found a rational cause for everything so far. (Important: I don’t believe in it, but I don’t say it doesn’t exist, I don’t want anyone to feel attacked)

And a nightmare I’ll never forget? In fact, I can’t think of any one. There’s a dream I’ve have since I was a kid: It’s about two little wolves trying to eat me. xD And I can even tell where that came from.

The movie to blame for this is: Twilight xD

Yep… When I first watched this movie, I was way too young, and as a child I was always very anxious. Just such things and horror movies in general were terrible for me (today it is actually no longer so) (Even the dream is no longer bad today and yet it has a bitter aftertaste of childhood.)

In any case, I was much too young and that did not let me go back then. xD But a really unsettling dream I had was: Well.. Do you know the Pink Panther? 😂

I once dreamed that the Panther “chased” me through an endless long corridor. It was an endless corridor in pink with countless doors. He sang the theme song and threw clocks at me…😅 And that went on all night until I woke up.

(This, by the way, had a trigger too. A German song (the rapper only took the melody of the title music and wrote his own lyrics. The text isn’t really cool though and that’s the reason)

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(Asked by @dreamer-writer-fangirl) What color is your hair?

Well, at the moment my hair is green🤭

Check HERE and HERE for pictures.

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(Asked by Anon) Is your brother younger or older than you?🤗

My brother is older than me.🥰

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(Asked by Anon) Do you have a nickname?

Yes, actually I have one. I can even say it because it has nothing to do with my real name. :D But please don’t laugh at me. 😂Well, I have the loving nickname: Little Onion. yep…My mom gave me that name for some reasons. 😂

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(Asked by Anon) some information about your dancing?😄 you mentioned it a few days ago💃

Yeah, well, I danced for 13 years, in different groups, also several groups at the same time. :D It was the hip hop/breakdance direction. But at some point I stopped because I didn’t enjoy it in the groups anymore and time was getting tighter. :/ Unfortunately, there was and is no real other groups here, which is why I stopped completely and now only dance for myself and just for fun.🤭

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(Asked by Anon) What's your favourite food ?

Uhhhm, I think everything with pasta is my favorite food.😂 I can eat noodles all day. 🤭🍝🍜Well, and of course, Pizza!🍕Pizza is adorable. 😂

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(Asked by Anon) What type of video games do you like to play?

I don’t really have a favorite type / genre, I don’t play video games that often. I’m actually playing what looks exciting to me without any particular genre or type. 😁🤭

But if I do, I guess I’m the most Nintendo type. So most of the games I play are related to Nintendo. <3

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(Asked by @mirajane01040-duskwoodmemes) Do you play... Minecraft?

I used to play a lot of Minecraft, but nowadays not so much, and if so, then only the mobile version. This is fun for in between and dispels the boredom. I even started building Duskwood several times, but never finished it. xD Well, yes, sometimes I play Minecraft.

Answer a few days later: Yes, I do!

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(Asked by Anon) If you could be a fictional character, who would it be and why?

Oh, there are a few. xDBut the three main characters for me: Evey Hammond because of V for Vendetta. Harley Quinn because of The Joker. And, of course, my MC because of Jake. 🤭I know, very superficial reasons but I hope they are enough for you, because these are the main reasons xD 😅🤭

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(Asked by Anon) Hey hbj i'm curiousFamily or a career? 😋

I choose the career.🤭 After that, there is still enough time, and who says that not both work?😉

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(Asked by Anon) do you like alcohol?🍷

No, absolutely no. Not a little bit.

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(Asked by Anon) What is your favorite drink?

If I don’t drink coffee, I only drink sparkling water, my entire life. I very rarely drink something different. Water for life! 🧊

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Either/or questions from you.

(Asked by @duskwood-legacies) -What would you rather see, Northern Lights or sky lanterns?

That’s easy for me🤭 Northern Lights! If you ask me.. that is magical! *-* (Well, unless it’s like “Tangled” and I get a Flynn Rider.. then sky lanterns xD)

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(Asked by @duskwood-legacies) -Strawberries or raspberries?

Definitely: Strawberries🍓 *-*

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(Asked by@duskwood-legacies) Do you prefer angst or fluff?

I think it depends on the general mood I’m in.🤔 I think the best is angst with happy ending.😁

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(Asked by@duskwood-legacies) Milk or cereal first?

Obviously: Cereal first! 😂🥣

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(Asked by @justubi) Would you rather have a nosy neighbor pr noisy neighbor?

Unfortunately, I have both. xD But if I could choose, I would opt for the noisy neighbor as I wear headphones all day anyway.😂

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(Asked by @justubi) Would you rather be poor but love your job or rich but absolutely hate your job?

One hundred percent and without having to think about: poor and love my job!I could never have a job I don’t like. This is a real horror imagination for me😂

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(Asked by @kyras-things ) Prefer to write fanfics or read them?

Oh that’s a really hard question for me! 🤔 I can’t really make up my mind, but I think I’d rather read than write myself. With stories of others I can better dive into another world and relax. 🤭Because when I write, five hundred other thoughts always fly around in my head and I have to decide how to write something etc.I love writing but sometimes I wish I only had to think about a story and it would be written on a sheet right away. xD <3

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(Asked by @leetjep) Would you rather have one eye in the middle of your head or two noses?

I take the eye in the middle of my head. 😂Then I would make the Jake eye as a tattoo around it, which would be really cool.🤭

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(Continues on new asks)

[itsclydebitches]

YYH Recaps: Episode 4 “Requirements for Lovers”

Hello, everyone! It's been quite a while, huh? Ah, the endless cycle of wanting to write and yet, astoundingly, not writing. I know it well.

Good ol' writer's block has skedaddled for a time though, so let's make good use of that and dive into Episode Four: "Requirements for Lovers." 

Ohhh, YYH getting spicy with its titles 😏

Actually wait, I shouldn't be making dumb jokes just yet. First I want to acknowledge a slight change to future recaps: YYH, RWBY, and anything else I might try my hand at. Namely, a lack of pictures moving forward. A few weeks ago — months? I honestly can't keep track — tumblr implemented a new limitation where no post can have more than ten images in it. It's a move that, while I'm sure has its justifications, makes sharing analyses of visually-based media all the more difficult. I'll be doing my best moving forward to describe scenes as needed, as well as combining connected images together to stretch out my limit, but I'm not going to pretend that it'll be the same as getting the visual play-by-play we’re used to. 

Tumblr certainly is a website, huh?  

Anyway, we open on Yusuke once again lamenting the difficulty of hatching a spirit beast that doesn't immediately devour him from the head down. On the one hand this is an admittedly easy way to reset the story over the course of this arc — the storytelling equivalent of waking your character up each morning — yet I cannot deny that if I were undergoing a resurrection test, it would consume my every thought too. Can't really blame Yusuke for endlessly bringing the conflict up when the conflict is this deadly.

Well, deadly for a ghost, anyway.

Specifically, he's worried about how embarrassing it would be to get eaten by something that came out of an egg this tiny. I'm torn between reminding a fictional character that things grow — a pissed off chicken could kick my ass and it started out in an egg too — and just shaking my head over the absurdity of worrying about embarrassment when, you know, you would cease to exist. It's not even a matter of, "What if I die and then I'm embarrassed about it in the afterlife :( " Yusuke is already IN the afterlife. He's got nowhere to go but oblivion!

Luckily, Botan takes a more practical approach to these worries, pointing out that he'll be just fine provided he does some good deeds. Yusuke starts a rant about how do-gooders are only ever out for themselves.

Yusuke, you dumb-dumb, you're a do-gooder now. What was all that help for Kuwabara, hmm? As said, these early episodes exist in a semi-reset loop, where Yusuke needs to stew in his main character flaws for a while before any real growth starts to stick. Those flaws being, primarily, "I'm a pessimist" and "also I hate myself."

Case in point, Botan accuses him of always seeing the glass as half empty. Which, while true enough (outside of his confidence in fighting, anyway), by now we've got a pretty good sense of where Yusuke developed this attitude. He affirms this by talking about how Koenma's got him by the balls, "just another idiot abusing his power!" With an alcoholic mother and those teachers from last episode, it's no wonder Yusuke thinks this way. Mr. Takenaka's interest and Keiko's care aren't enough to combat the rest of Yusuke's experience, not when Takenaka is an outlier and Keiko is Yusuke's peer. Her desire to keep him on the right track reads only as an inevitability at best (the downside of having a perfect childhood friend), or a legitimate annoyance at worst. Or, as we'll continue to see in this episode, a way for them to flirt.

Is it any wonder Yusuke would sneer at Koenma's offer then, expecting the worst? The fact that Yusuke is still undergoing the challenge at all, no matter what he says, speaks volumes to me.

However, Botan is less than comfortable with his criticisms. She panics a bit at Yusuke insulting the (junior) ruler of the underworld so blithely. That, and the fact that he's carelessly tossing his egg around.

(Yes we’re using precious picture space for memes are you SURPRISED?) 

Anyway, Botan isn't just concerned for the sake of concern. She cautions Yusuke against speaking too freely because there may be investigators checking in on his progress. No sooner does he ask what those investigators look like than one appears.

Thunder! Lighting! An energy so intense that Yusuke is briefly blinded! It is, as he says, quite the entrance. What kind of being could possibly be at the heart of such an astounding show?

Why, this teeny-tiny cutie, of course.

Remember, few appearances in YYH coincide with the character's true self. Would you ever assume this is the all-powerful investigator who holds Yusuke's future in her hands? Of course not. That's the point.

The investigator introduces herself as Sayaka and immediately demonstrates that she has no more patience for Yusuke's attitude than Botan does. "These damn kids," he mutters and my brain briefly blue screens because Yusuke. You're fourteen.

Plus, Sayaka and Botan clearly have some sort of eternal youth situation going on, so there's that too.

Sayaka is, in a word, fantastic. She pulls no punches with Yusuke, teleporting away from him with what can only be described as a shit-eating smile, all while refusing to tell him what exactly she's investigating. “I’m sorry, but that’s a secret!” However, Keiko is clearly at the forefront of her interest. She refers to her as Yusuke's "girlfriend."

Botan is more than happy to point Keiko out — because of course they're still following her around! — and pulls a Et tu, Brute? on Yususke, leading Sayaka right to her. Like most of the Underworld, Sayaka is rather shocked that the pretty, popular, scholarly girl is supposedly into the delinquent. It's the power of childhood friendship, you fools! Specifically, Sayaka references the "positive markings" that Keiko has accumulated, but the audience already knows by now that such markings are suspect at best. Yusuke himself is proof of that. So if his terrible marks don't preclude him from being a young kid's savior, should we really view Keiko's as proof of superiority?

I mean, Keiko is fantastic, but that's not really the point here.

Starting her own investigation into Yusuke's life, Sayaka begins with one hell of a bombshell: "There's no point in doing [the resurrection] if the people closest to you don't care." WOW. Not only is that a harsh assessment, it's one I don't think I can personally get behind. The offer to restore Yusuke to life is built on the acknowledgment that their system is flawed (even if there's no work to change or dismantle that system): they thought he was worthless, his sacrificial death seems to have proven them wrong, and now they want further evidence, in the form of this trial, that Yusuke is a good person at heart. The whole point of this challenge is to give him a second chance, with testimonies like Mr. Takenaka's emphasizing that Yusuke has always been capable of more, so long as he applies himself. This, as we'll see throughout the series, applies to relationships too. The Yusuke with one friend he play-fights with, a distant mother, and a school worth of kids who are terrified of his very name is not the future Yusuke they expect him to become, so... why base his resurrection on what he's already (not) accomplished? Granted, the show is very unclear about what, if anything, Sayaka will do if she decides that Yusuke doesn't have a life worth going back to (even if I have my own theory discussed at the end), but the fact that this is suddenly a factor at all seems grossly unfair, not entirely unlike Kuwabara's rigged promise. We as the audience know that people love Yusuke. Yusuke himself is beginning to acknowledge that. But if this fourteen year old delinquent truly had no one that wanted him back from the dead... isn't that all the more reason to allow a resurrection and give him the chance to build a life where he would be missed? 

This stupid shonen got me thinking too much istg. 

Yusuke, ever the self-deprecating pessimist, bypasses all of the above thoughts and jumps straight to, "It's clear if [Keiko] had any sense she'd want me gone." I'd find that attitude incredibly sad if I wasn't distracted by how cute Botan and Sayaka are, sitting on the oar together. The spirit girls who fly together, thrive together! 

Botan starts teasing Yusuke about having a crush, which just feeds his temper and Sayaka's confusion. Deciding that she needs to gather more info, they follow along for an average day of school because these earlier episodes are, apparently, ghost-stalk Keiko hours. 

We see her reading aloud in class from Heart of Darkness (not the easiest book for some middle schoolers), scoring a point during volleyball practice, refusing to let one girl cheat off her homework, but happily helping another who runs up with a question. So she's pretty, athletic, and academically successful, the trifecta for any good love interest. Sayaka is impressed not just with her "nearly perfect" scores, but also the maturity that Keiko demonstrates, such as maintaining her morals about cheating while remaining compassionate. 

Actually, I really love the contrast this provides for us, the viewer. Meaning, Keiko is shown to be at her least mature when in Yusuke's presence. Not that her responses aren't justified, but watching her dramatically snatch gum from his mouth, slap him across the face, or pull crazed expressions as she yells at him is a far cry from this calm, poised, soft-spoken Keiko. It's a way to visually show us that she's comfortable in his presence, despite the suspect humor attached. Not that the Keiko we see at school is faking or anything — she is legitimately that kind and articulate — but we see that being with Yusuke allows her to relax in a way she doesn't with others. School!Keiko is, as Sayaka says, pretty much perfect, 24/7. Yusuke's Keiko is a little rougher around the edges, in a way that implies a multifaceted personality shining through. 

However, the only conclusion our trio draws is that, given Keiko's accomplishments, any attraction must be one-sided.

Poor Yusuke lol. 

In a plot move that is so ridiculously contrived, just as Yusuke is grappling with the accusation that Keiko couldn't possibly like him back, a "handsome boy" arrives to ask Keiko out. He says that he couldn't bear it when she stopped reading Heart of Darkness because he's fallen in love with her voice. "Will you be my girlfriend?" 

Please excuse me while I lose my shit over how ridiculous this is. I legitimately straight up cackled when I watched this scene. 

Luckily for Mr. Absurd, Keiko takes him seriously — and lets him down easy. She says she can't be his girlfriend and when he presses the "Why?", asking if she already likes someone else, Keiko confirms that she does. This is done through a shot of her feet. Not a POV shot given the angle, but close enough that it feels like we're stepping into Keiko's shoes (haha), shyly staring down at the floor in embarrassment and regret. 

Rejection complete? The guy screams. 

I mean he screams. 

I mean this nobody we're never gonna see again unhinges his jaw and lets out an unholy shriek the likes of which makes me shriek in utter GLEE. 

It's insane. It's wonderful. I'm going to use one of my coveted image spots to show you his face: 

Look at that and tell me this show isn't amazing. 

Okay, I'm focusing again. As Keiko runs off Botan and Sayaka start dragging Yusuke, teasing him about how Keiko chose him over that "charming handsome boy." 

...Please scroll up and look at that image again. I find YYH's definition of "charming" and "handsome" to be hilariously wrong. 

Yusuke, as per usual, throws himself into damage control, claiming that Keiko didn't say who she liked, so really it could be anyone. They're not buying it. “'I like Keiko' is written all over your face!” Botan crows. Meanwhile, Sayaka is scribbling in her little investigator's journal that feelings on both side are severely misunderstood. "Suggest serious counseling." 

Fantastic idea, Sayaka. I'd personally suggest counseling for the whole dying/best friend getting resurrected thing... but relationship woes work too! 

We cut to later when school is out and Keiko has gone over to Yusuke's. To say that Atsuko has done a poor job of keeping the house clean lately would be a serious understatement. 

Keiko points out the old food and broken glass specifically, cluing us in that this isn't just a messy environment, but a dangerous one as well. This is proven when she accidentally knocks a stack of books over and a used bowl falls onto Yusuke's face. What's interesting is that Keiko says that things are "back to normal" now, though I'm not sure if that's in reference to the state of the house, or just the note Atsuko left behind, asking Keiko to take care of Yusuke while she's out. I'm inclined towards thinking it's just the note, partly because of Keiko's shock when she first arrives, because the house wasn't shown to be in this state prior to Yusuke's death (first image above), and because the note is accompanied by a great voiceover that makes Atsuko sound quite sloshed when she left. That's what's normal, the drinking and carefree attitude, not the state of her home. If we buy that reading, it allows for another fantastic look into Atsuko's mental state. If she's already an alcoholic, the trauma of her son's death and the following revelation that he's coming back might make her struggle in other ways. Like finding cleaning to be an impossible task. 

She's depressed. It doesn't excuse the state she's left Yusuke in and, as previously acknowledged, YYH is definitely not a show interested in this nuance, but I still find it fun to take what little we've gotten and run with it. 

However, Keiko is firmly on team "WTF Atsuko." She hurries to make sure Yusuke wasn't hurt by the falling bowl, bemoans him being "covered in garbage," and says that leaving him in this state should be considered a felony. Knowing it's far beyond her power to fix Atsuko's failings, Keiko swears to come here after school every day until Yusuke regains his body. It's as she's cleaning him of the dust that's gathered that Keiko becomes entranced with Yusuke’s features. Particularly his lips. The soft lighting returns, their theme song swells, and Keiko gets thiiiis close to kissing Yusuke for the first time. 

Which is a little weird, right? I mean, we know why Yusuke is freaking out. Beyond the embarrassment of a middle schooler receiving his first kiss while two ghost girls eagerly watch on, he's made a hobby of denouncing his interest in Keiko to anyone who will listen. But for the average viewer — for Keiko herself — don't we care the he's, you know, dead? Or if not technically dead, very unconscious? Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the appeal of this situation in a generalized, cultural sense (with the side disclaimer that I'm reading a Japanese product through an American lens). Sleeping Beauty exists for a reason and there's definitely an element of that here: a gender-reversed setup where Keiko’s kills may break the "curse" of Yusuke's untimely death. Even his in-between state of being mirrors the "death like sleep" of the fairy tale. But when you strip away those Disney-esque thoughts, we're left with a girl about to kiss an unresponsive body, not as a common gesture of care (the parent who kisses their child while they sleep), but as a first time, romantic milestone. 

It's a little weird lol. 

But embrace the romance! As well as its inevitable interruption. Just as Keiko is about to land a peck, the neighborhood watch committee announces a heat and fire warning, startling Keiko out of her thoughts about Yusuke's "beautiful face." (There's another gender reversal for ya.) She gasps at her almost-action, conveniently remembers that her mom wanted her to do some shopping, and hightails it out of there before embarrassment can really kill them both. 

So she runs off for food... in a sweater? The outfit is cute and all, but I wonder what the animators were thinking, putting Keiko in a puffy pullover during an episode all about a heat wave. 

It's about at this point that the plot goes from cute romance to absolutely buck wild. The fires the neighborhood watch committee mentioned are not, in fact, due to the overwhelming heat, but an arsonist that's going around tossing molotov cocktails through open windows. Why is he doing such a thing? I don't know. Arsonists be doing arson, I guess. The important bit is that Yusuke's place is his next target, considering that Atsuko forgot to lock the windows when she went out. Within seconds all that garbage is set ablaze, quite obviously putting Yusuke's resurrection chances at an all time low. 

"Wake up, stupid!" he shouts at his unconscious body. Mood, Yusuke. That's me every morning. 

So this is a full scale emergency now and everyone is scrambling trying to think of something to do. Yusuke comes up with the idea to possess himself like he did Kuwabara — nice attempt at a loophole there — but since it would technically count as his resurrection, no dice. Botan decides to go get Kuwabara himself, even though he's too far away to do anything. It's still worth a shot. Sayaka, meanwhile, watches all this unfold with a somewhat clinical detachment. She's not quite indifferent and she's definitely not cruel... she’s just not as emotionally invested in this as the other two. Which not only re-emphasizes her purpose here, as an observer judging Yusuke, but also highlights the bond Botan is forming with him. As mentioned before in regards to her hanging out with Yusuke rather than ferrying souls, Botan is well past someone assisting Yusuke simply because it's a part of her job. He's her friend. 

We get some shots of the growing fire which includes a hazy texture to the animation I quite like and then we cut to Keiko several blocks away, shopping bag in hand. Word of the new fire spreads, with one bystander mentioning that it's the twelfth today. 

"This is eerie.” 

“Yeah, I can’t help feeling we’re under attack.”

That's because you are! Someone stop that man! 

Sadly, I don't think the arsonist is mentioned again, let alone captured. We'll just have to relegate that to my incredibly niche fic wishlist. 

Keiko also overhears that the latest fire is on fourth avenue, which of course is where Yusuke lives. Recognizing that he might be in trouble, she takes off at a run. 

Meanwhile, Botan finds Kuwabara practicing his kicks against a Yusuke dummy. Amazing resemblance, right? 

Watching for the purpose of recapping, I'm picking up on a lot of details in the animation I quite enjoy. I don't think anyone would claim that YYH, at this point in time, has the most impressive or flashy animation (the fight scenes later are another matter entirely), but there's a clear love for the product that shines through. The scared expression on Kuwabara's dummy. His unexpectedly dainty kick, complete with pointed toes. Botan's more translucent coloring to emphasize her supernatural status compared to Kuwabara. There are a lot of nice touches despite the overall simplicity. 

Plus, you can't forget the lovely irony of Kuwabara fighting a defenseless "Yusuke" while the real guy actually lies defenseless amidst a fire. We already know that despite his tough talk, Kuwabara would be horrified to learn that his friend rival had died (again) in such a manner. 

Capitalizing on that transparency, Botan runs a hand through Kuwabara's back to catch his attention. He gets his "tickle feeling" and instinctively looks around towards Yusuke's house, seeing the smoke. "Something tells me I should go that way." Gotta love a guy who drops everything to chase a vague, supernaturally induced hunch. 

As Kuwabara leaves we cut back to Keiko arriving at the house, staring in horror at the blaze. We get an audio flashback to her talk with Yusuke where she promised to take care of his body until he got back. So she tries to run in, only for a couple of the onlookers to snag her, quite correctly keeping her from undergoing a suicide mission. We learn later that Keiko absolutely would have died without Yusuke's sacrifice, so her "You cowards!" is born more of emotion than justified accusations. It's not cowardly to look at the raging inferno in a small apartment and realize that recklessly running in will only result in two dead teens, not one. 

I mean, the flames are already right there, licking the door. Even if Keiko somehow managed to avoid burns, the smoke alone would do her in. Still, Keiko tries to mitigate the damage by dumping a bucket of water over her head. As a kid I remember thinking this was the smartest thing ever. Utterly inspired. Keep that in the back of your mind, kid Clyde, for future reference. As an adult... I have no idea whether this would actually help or not lol. Any firefighters doubling as YYH fans? 

Recklessness and iffy precautions aside, I can't express how much I appreciate the story giving Keiko things to do. Yusuke recognizes that she's the only one with the maturity and open-mindedness to believe in his resurrection. She's the one picking up Atsuko's slack regarding his day-to-day needs. She never hesitates for a moment, heroically throwing herself into this blaze for Yusuke's benefit. Yeah, a lot of that still falls into the emotional/domestic sphere — what we expect of the love interest in a 90s anime — but too often action stories don't have a clue what to do with their non-action characters, not even when it comes to just supporting the fighters. They're simply... there. Keiko, however, isn't window dressing. Whether it's helping Botan survive an upcoming, supernatural plague, or cheering the team on at the Dark Tournament, Keiko is an important part of the story, despite lacking the fighting prowess of the rest of the cast. 

Just as important, this episode establishes a core equality between her and Yusuke. We just watched Keiko reject a (presumably) accomplished guy for him, telling the audience that these surface differences — academics, power levels, popularity, looks — don't matter to them. Yusuke is not Keiko's lesser just because he doesn't have the same scores in Sayaka's book and Keiko won't become Yusuke's lesser just because she doesn't have spiritual power like he does. The only important thing here is that they love each other and they're both willing to sacrifice everything for the other. In the span of about ten minutes, Keiko nearly gives up her life for Yusuke and, in turn, Yusuke gives up his resurrection for her. The level of care they show towards one another is balanced, despite those differences. 

They’re a good ship, y'all. Even if this recapping's got me noticing Yusuke/Kuwabara potential lol. 

To get back to the plot, a drenched Keiko charges into the fire, yelling Yusuke's name for the drama of it because we all know he can't respond. Despite the audience (hopefully) recognizing Keiko and Yusuke's equality, that memo hasn't reached Yusuke yet. "You're a lot more important to this world than I am!" he yells, hammering home that despite everything — knowing he instinctively saved a child, watching his loved ones grieve for him, helping Kuwabara just because he can — Yusuke still, deep down, believes that he doesn't deserve to come back; that he doesn't measure up to those around him. The self-sacrificial nature this insecurity produces shocks Sayaka. She points out that if Keiko doesn't save his body, he's not coming back. "What's the point of being alive if Keiko has to get killed for it?" 

Keiko means more to Yusuke than the rest of his living existence. Jot that down in your notebook, Sayaka! 

Kuwabara arrives and runs into one of his friends who informs him that Keiko just went inside. “Yusuke’s girl? The one we saved from those thugs?”

BOY does that tell us a lot about their rivalry! I mean yeah, we've already established several times over that Kuwabara — just like Yusuke himself — is not the cruel street thug he'd like to present himself as. If these characters actually wanted to hurt each other outside of a martial arts challenge, don't you think Kuwabara would capitalize on the "Yusuke's girl" bit? Everyone seems to know that they have feelings for each other, but Kuwabara never once wields that as ammunition against Yusuke. There are no taunts about him not being good enough. Or rather, I should clarify there are no serious taunts — Kuwabara is well known for his teasing. There's also no attempt to steal Keiko out from under him, the common treatment of the love interest as a "prize" that many stories fall into. Indeed, later this episode YYH will deconstruct this a bit. Yusuke sees Kuwabara grab Keiko's hand and yells that he better not be getting "fresh" with her. But it's purely Yusuke's worries shining through. The audience gets a crystal clear picture of the situation and knows, categorically, that Kuwabara has only the most innocent of intentions in holding Keiko's hand. 

(Well, running from the police isn't innocent, but...) 

I keep getting sidetracked. Plot! Keiko makes it to Yusuke's room and finds that he is already on fire. She then proceeds to try and put it out by patting it with her hands. I take back what I said about Keiko's smarts in this scene. Now we know where that supposed recklessness comes from though. Apparently they're both immune to fire! Nothing to worry about here, folks. 

JK she's actually in danger, despite the animation choices. By this point everyone, including Keiko, realizes that there's no way out: the fire has blocked the door. Sayaka then reveals that there is one way to save her. If Yusuke throws his egg into the fire, the energy of the spirit beast will release and guide her to safety. The catch? Hatch the egg early and it won't complete its intended function of guiding him back to his body. This beast is gonna guide one person and that is it. 

Cue Yusuke's near immediate decision to sacrifice his life for Keiko's. Granted, it's not precisely one life for another. Yusuke's resurrection was always contingent upon the beast not devouring him whole — something Koenma claims would have happened at the end of the episode — meaning that it's not technically a fair trade. Yusuke might have sacrificed Keiko's life for his own... only to fail to get that life back anyway. (There's a tragedy for ya.) To say nothing of how Yusuke is currently dead and has been for at least a couple of days, whereas Keiko very much is not. There's some sort of philosophical discussion there about potential being pit against current reality. 

BUT that's not the point! The emotional point is that he sacrificed his life for hers — the potential of his resurrection, the potential of that life he might have led — all technicalities aside. And I, for one, think that's very neat of him. 

A blue light shines as the egg's energy is released, providing a lovely contrast to the fire surrounding them. A path forms to the door and Keiko, recognizing Yusuke's presence, follows it. "We'll make it, Yusuke," Keiko says, which is one hell of a sucker-punch now that we know she's just carrying a corpse. Unbeknownst to Keiko, Yusuke is very much not making it. That's the only reason why she is. 

Kuwabara appears to help them the rest of the way which is also a pretty awesome thing considering that, from everyone else's perspective, the fire is still raging and blocking the door. Despite his spiritual awareness, Kuwabara gives no indication that he noticed this strange light, or Yusuke's hand in the rescue. Which basically means he lunged into a bunch of deadly fire for Keiko and doesn't question how in the world he isn't burned. 

Keiko's hands are fine, Kuwabara's whole body is fine... fire immunity must run in the friend group! 

Yusuke has another rare moment of vulnerability — "They're both okay" — and I cackle happily at the "both" because see. You love Kuwabara too, Yusuke! All this bluster about hating him and finding him annoying. The second he rushed into that fire you were crawling up the walls. 

Except then that happiness gives way to something that sounds a little more shocked. Devastated. "Well, I sure am... relieved..." Kudos to Cook's voice acting. You can hear the exact moment Yusuke realizes what he's done. Not that he regrets it, but the consequences are finally sinking in. He's relieved that they're safe, yes, but now he's never going to be able to rejoin them. 

As Yusuke has an(other) existential crisis, Kuwabara peels back the blanket Keiko had wrapped Yusuke in, revealing his face. “What are you doing with Yusuke’s body?! Are you some type of sick grave robber?” he shouts. God I love when a story actually keeps track of who knows what. Kuwabara, for all his recent involvement in the plot, doesn't actually know what's going on. From his perspective Yusuke died, he made a scene at the wake, he saved "his girl" from a bunch of thugs, lost a huge chunk of time only to wake up with her randomly hugging him (then slapping him), participated in a bet with his awful teacher and had a couple weird, Yusuke related dreams while studying, and has felt the presence of ghosts perhaps a little more frequently than usual. Now he's trying to help save Keiko from a fire only for her to reveal she risked her own life for Yusuke's body. Of course he's freaking out! What's she doing with that? 

What's utterly fantastic though is that Kuwabara takes all of five seconds to process this and then enters immediate Ride or Die mode for Keiko. She's been hoarding Yusuke's body for undetermined reasons? Well, who is he to judge? The important thing here is that people are arrested for keeping bodies, so they've gotta skedaddle before the firefighters show up. 

Hence, hand-holding and avoiding arrest. 

As Yusuke starts threatening Kuwabara not to get "fresh" with her, Botan sadly reminds him that he no longer has a say in who Keiko does or does not fall in love with. The switch in tone is jarring. Whereas before Botan would have teased him mercilessly for the crush, now she knows that nothing can come of that — and it would be cruel not to remind Yusuke of that too. 

"Oh no. I didn't think..." Yusuke whispers, further establishing that he knew the risks of using his egg, but hadn't allowed them to sink in yet. Now they have. 

He gives a fake little laugh with, "Just when it was getting good" and I cry at the development in the span of just four episodes. Despite what I said at the beginning about the show resetting each week, there has been a lot of change thus far. Yusuke wants to live now! He wants to be there for Keiko! He looks down on his tiny family and screams at the unfairness of it all! They're talking about how they can't wait for him to come back and now that's never gonna happen!!

It hurts, friends. It hurts a whole lot. 

During this conversation between Keiko, Atsuko, and Kuwabara, we see that a couple of hours have passed (it's nighttime now, the fire is out) and Atsuko is apologizing for putting them all in danger like that. And by that I mean yes, she does technically apologize with an "I'm sorry" and everything, but it's also a one sentence apology pit against... well, near death for the three people standing (and sitting) before her. Atsuko seems just as concerned by Keiko losing her hair as she does Keiko nearly burning to death and she kneels by Yusuke's wheelchair, baby-talking to him about how he forgives her, right? I love Atsuko, she's great, but objectively speaking she is not a good mother. Not right now, anyway. 

Oh yeah, and just to reiterate that: Keiko's hands are fine after patting down Yusuke's on-fire body, but her hair, which I'm pretty sure never catches, has to be cut short. Ah, anime logic. Funny thing is, YYH isn't the only story to take the love interest and give her a cool, short cut thanks to a traumatic event. Anyone read Ranma 1/2? 

During this conversation we also learn that, sometime between the fire and now, Keiko filled Kuwabara in on everything that's happening with Yusuke. Makes sense. He kneels beside the wheelchair, joining the others in telling Yusuke that they'll wait patiently for his return. Yusuke, above them, continues yelling about how they're waiting on a dead man. 

“It can’t be helped. He made this decision on his own." 

Except it can, in fact, be helped!

Just as all hope is truly lost, Koenma appears and announces that Yusuke will be returned to life. Why? Because sacrificing his egg for Keiko is a better indicator of his worth than the egg itself could have been. Despite feeding on his negative outlook and heading towards biting Yusuke's head off — something the animation backs up by showing us teeth during the fire

— Yusuke's act demonstrates a tendency towards being a "decent human being" that is "so rare." Wow. That's depressing. Still, yay that Yusuke has those qualities! And this, to my mind, helps explain Sayaka's presence. Koenma recognized that judging Yusuke couldn't be left to the egg alone and indeed, Sayaka took note of his worth before he ever threw the egg into the fire. First it was questioning why someone as amazing as Keiko would go for him, then it was solidified through the shock of Yusuke announcing that coming back to life was meaningless if she wasn't in it. Even if Keiko had somehow, miraculously escaped the fire before Yusuke's sacrifice, I bet Sayaka's report would have tipped him in resurrection's favor anyway. 

Everyone is, of course, overjoyed and my heart swells at the intense gratitude Yusuke displays. My favorite part though is when Koenma cryptically says that “Your added experience with death could make you very useful" (a nod towards future events that goes right over Yusuke's head) and his response to this is a yelled, "YOU THINK I'M USEFUL?" This poor kid. The God of everything ever is chucking out revelations left and right, about resurrections and spirit beasts, but the only thing that really penetrates is the realization that someone thinks he's useful. Talk about relatable. 

You know, I've been thinking about why this moment works so well. I mean, there are a lot of other stories where undermining the consequences our hero faces — either with humor, or by erasing them completely — can feel like the audience was cheated. I think YYH dodged that with a couple of crucial factors. First, Yusuke's consequence isn't something new that he's now avoided, it's just a permanent extension of something he was already dealing with. We did get to watch him inhabit the space between life and death, grappling with whether he'd ever be able to return. The story didn't deny us that growth, it just confirmed something we all instinctively knew: this tale won't end here with Yusuke permanently going to some afterlife. Second, the Deus ex Machina fix doesn't happen too soon. Yeah, it's only a couple of minutes in a single episode, but we (and Yusuke) still get to sit with that outcome for a while, soaking it in before its removal. Finally, there's no doubt that Yusuke earned this reprieve. Koenma's timing might be sudden and (if you're not genre savvy) unexpected, but looking back at the series as a whole thus far, we're able to agree absolutely that Yusuke deserves this. Far from feeling like we were cheated, this solution invites just as much celebration as we're seeing on screen, for the simple reason that we can buy into Koenma's reasoning. We know now that Yusuke is a good person. We saw him selflessly sacrifice his future for Keiko. We agree that he deserves a second chance. 

Thus, the episode ends with Yusuke flying up to fill the screen in his joy, a far better, final shot than Harry Potter and The Prison of Azkaban managed 😰

And that's it for Episode 4, folks! See you later for Episode 5 💕

[speedypandaweasel]

One Big Adventure - a Wilford Warfstache and Abe story (Non-Ship) (2,914 Words)

Thank you for the request @canceltheact! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

If you would like to submit a request, see the information at the Masterlist and submit through the Q and A!

PSA - THIS IS NOT A SHIP oke, let us begin...

Dazed images fog up the minds of two *very* hungover men as they stagger their way up to the apartment. Abe fumbles his way through the door and over strewn clothes. He continues on and manages to put together the kaleidoscope of scenery that is right in front of him. To his left, a saggy sofa sits and a cheap TV dangerously hangs off the stripping wallpaper by a thread. To his right, a grimy kitchen is on display which even the worst chef in the world wouldn't waste his time in. The other man, however, is blabbering away, slurring his words like a car on an icy motorway. "HA!, I tell *hick* you Abe, I'm so glad I remembered you, you see *hick*, I can't even remember where I put my-" Aaaand he's gone. His body moulds into the cushions that poorly support his droopy frame, and his scuffed platform boots dangle over the side. Abe smiles, slightly soberer than before. Who would have thought that this stock still of a man, whose only aesthetics were the colour beige and veterans, would somehow have a goofy, lighter side to him? All the criminals he's met and caught among the years...

Hold up, has he met anyone? He can't remember any experiences where he HAS met any, so why did he think that? Hm, must be the Tequila talking. Abe hopscotches over the empty Wine and Martini bottles that are decorated across the stained carpet. Damm, William has not been taking care of himself. Mind you, neither has he so he can't really say anything. He arrives into the walk-in kitchen and opens a dusty cupboard. His tired eyes only meet with shot and tumbler glasses.

How much does this Man drink!? Shuffling used plates and greasy cutlery out of the way, he fills a scotch glass with water. Dowsing the liquid felt like heaven. His exhausted physique felt like a body that's been stuck in the desert for a considerable amount of time and didn't know it needed water to survive. Oh, now he feels the headache coming on.

Reader, you know when water tastes funny? It's because your brain hasn't been receiving enough H20 because you've been drinking too many energy drinks. Yeah, that feeling is exactly what Abe is feeling right now. CONTINUING ON!

The scotch glass watches from the draining board whilst the Detective plays the quietest game of the floor is lava, whilst the moustached man is making much more noise. He manages to reach a corridor which he thinks leads towards the bedroom and tiptoes down the tight hall to find a vacant room. On the way, he passes another room. It was Barnum's. His mind was split in two, Does he go in? Or stay out? Through the crack in the door, the catastrophe has indeed spread into his sleeping quarters. A mountain of flamboyant disco clothes gathers dust in front of his Chester draws, the bed's not made and more liquor bottles are having a social gathering on top. Oh William, you may be a murderer, but you need to prioritise yourself. He takes a last look at his passed out flatmate down the hallway, before shutting the guest bedroom door. Grey. It's all he's met with. Much like his exterior. He slips his shoes off and starts to unbutton his off-white shirt. he runs a hand down his chest and over the scar. How the Hell did he survive that? He can't be bothered to go into it right now, he's too tired. He snuggles into bed and does the infamous cold bed dance.

You know the one.

Abe gets out of the tempting bed once more and walks back into the living room. He creeps over to William, the man's mouth catching flies. He carefully takes his enormous shoes off and places them on the floor. Barnum's mismatch socks disappear underneath the blanket. "Night William."

~ A gorgeous smell of Breakfast wanders its way through the apartment and Abe groggily wakes up. His eyes peel open and with a yawn, he trudges through to the living room. Remembering from earlier this morning, he needed to position himself for his dance routine around the non-existent floor. "What are you doing my main man?" Barnum brightly asks, a hearty chuckle accompanies the question. Resided in the pristine kitchen, his big, strong hand holds a Skillet and two China plates are centred on the pebble grey marble island. Abe, however, is currently squatting as though he was playing a game of leapfrog with some imaginary friends. The Detective goes to jump but then is taken back at the sight. The apartment is now spick and span, no more Wine Bottles, no more strewn clothes. The windows are tied wide open and it overlooks the sketchy neighbourhood that they reside in. "How did you do this?" "Do what?" "You know, clean up this quickly?" Barnum checks his watch. It's 7:30 am "Oh well you see, I ironed a nice pair of jeans and found a lovely dandelion coloured shirt. Accompanied by some rainbow braces I think I look quite dashing don't you think so?" "No William, I-I mean the Apartm-AAH!" Abe clings his hand over his head, damm this- "Headache is killing you?" William slides a glass of water over with an Aspirin pill. "And no, I didn't clean the apartment, she did." Wilford looks- wait, why are you looking at me!? "Anywho, we need to get going my slightly hungover companion! But first, breakfast!" Wilford sets a serving plate down of a full English Breakfast: Sausage, an Egg, two cooked Tomatoes, Bacon rashes, Baked Beans and a slice of Buttered Toast. Wow. He didn't know William could cook? The two men got stuck in right away and the TV is turned on. Two bright and very similar faces appear on the screen "Badgers the secret Killer?... And now for the weather, Jim?"

The camera pans to, what they believe, is Jim. Their face resembles a deer in headlights. "I swear, they don't know what they're doing. It's hilarious!" The Detective says with a mouthful of Toast. Barnum laughs, wipes his mouth with a napkin and takes a swig of his Orange juice. "Right! I mean, who is their boss anyway?!" The men eat and laugh their way through their plates talking about what topics they would cover if they were reporters. After a while, they both recline back into their bar stools and the cook starts to tidy up the dirty dishes. "Oh, no, let me do it. It's the least I can do." "You're alright my man, I've got this. Besides, you need to freshen up!" "But whe-'" "First door on your left"

They share a light chuckle. "Thanks Wilford, I really appreciated that," Abe says before going back down the hallway, whilst Wilford rolls his sleeves up and starts to clean the less-silver cutlery.

He smiles. That's the first time he's ever said that to him. "No problem Abe."

~

The passenger door slams shut on the Detective's Vintage SUV and Wiford pulls out a gigantic map from his pocket. This map includes hundreds of paths scrawled with crayons and a hint of Martini can be smelt.

"Are you sure, you know where you're going?" Abe questions. Judging by what that map reads, they are going to get lost very easily.

"Of course I know where I'm going! I am Wilford Motherloving Warftsache after all." A pang of guilt hits the Detective, he genuinely can't remember who he was.

"Ok, Wil, you can drive."

After playing at least 3 rounds of rock paper scissors, or when Wilford won, Abe hesitantly let the murderer drive. God knows where though.

Wilford excitedly thrust the keys into the ignition. He couldn't wait for what the day entailed!

"Careful Willford, you're gonna break the keys!" Abe says through gritted teeth.

"Oh pah-lease! I know how to drive" he retaliates. His brown boot floors the pedal and reverses straight into the iron fence.

"Yep, it's working."

The Detectives face, now pale, grips tighter onto his seatbelt and his feet are glued to the floor. "Wil, of course it's working. Now, step on the ga- nope, that's the brakes Wilford."

Pedestrians quiver in fear as they see a horribly driven brown vehicle screech to a stop and then start again. They have to clamp down on their ears as the monster of a car drives past them down the alleyway, swerving left and right much like the driver's speech the other night.

The SUV survives to the end of the road and dents a stop sign perched, well once, straight on the kerb.

"Will, which route are we taking?" Abe asks as he takes the map from the driver's hands.

"It's the one marked Highway of Life, it's gonna be a good one, trust you me."

"Well, this has got off to a surprising start so why not go for an adventure?" Abe says. He's given up at this point.

~

"LIFE IS A HIIIGHHWWAYY! I WWAAANNNA RRIIDDEE IIT ALLL NIIGGHTT LOOOOONNGG!" The two pop stars start belting out of the car as Wilford drives them to their last stop. Who would have thought that two polar opposites positions of the law would be in the same car together, let alone blasting Disney songs out of the car.

Wilford's hair whips away from his face as the SUV's top winds down.

"LIFE NEEDS A BIT OF MADNESS EH ABE?"

"HELL YEAH IT DOES"

The Afternoon sun blazes down onto their blacked-out sunglasses and the Golden Gate bridge paints a picture for the Detective that prescribes him with a carefree attitude.

Life was his to choose and he was here for it.

~

The SUV turns off the Highway onto Richmond Street. The Afternoon sun glowing dimmer.

Just in time.

Now reader, if you haven't read my WKM Tumblr Song series, then you won't understand this next section.

The SUV passes bountiful shrubberies and picket fences. Cherry Blossom dust drift its way into the car and Wilford starts to tear up.

"You ok Buddy?"

"Yeah, I'm ok." After all his years of interrogation, Abe knows that that answer was a lie. Yet, he didn't want to push it.

The car comes to a halt and is parked underneath a summer coated oak tree.

"Why'd we stop?"

"I want to show you something."

Abe opens the vintage door and steps out. In front of him, wildflowers and grass sway on the cliffs breeze and small pink flowers grow on its edge. Overhead, a sea glistens with sunlight rays and pink and amber hues dust the sky.

Man, this is enough to make a grown man cry.

The cars driver door can be heard shutting and a shadow walks up behind him. An intimate silence roots itself between the two men.

"You may be wondering why I brought you here."

Abe nods, still looking forward, yet intriguingly listening.

The man sighs, "I used to come here all the time as a young lad. We used to have picnics and dance until dawn. We were so free up here. Away from life, away from Duty, and she was away from Him, that was all that mattered. "

His voice breaks.

"But things change, people change and suddenly, I couldn't do that anymore.

That's why I want you to see it."

Wilford wanders over to their spot and picks up one of the pink flowers sprouting through the grass.

"You may have thought of us as the scum of the Earth Detective. But there are two sides to every story."

The Detective joins the Murderer and puts a hand on his shoulder.

Wilford chuckles. The last time he was here, he was completely and utterly alone. He was like- like a freshly born fawn still trying to find his legs into this world that didn't make sense.

But now...but now things are looking a little brighter.

"If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, just name it."

"You can't do anything really, it's just the way this messed up world works."

The two friends sit down in the grass, making fresh new imprints into the cliff edge, next to two fading ones.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" "How many people have I killed?"

...

That question lingers in the air for an uncomfortably long time. All that can be heard are the lapping of the waves below them and the occasional swallow talking in the trees.

...

"I don- don't know Wilford," Abe breaks the silence, "I should know, but I-I don't.

...

Abe looks at Wilford, his broken and tear-stained eyes manage to glance back before returning to look out at the sunset.

Abe must do something here. But what? He said himself that nothing can be done so what can he do?

He reminisces on the day they were reunited. So much anger, so much confusion. But Wil was so cheerful, not a care in the world!

Now look at him.

And it was all his fault. If only he didn't get involved...

A second flashes by and Abe does something he should have done the second Will did it.

He hugs Him.

...

"I'm sorry Will."

...

Moments cling on for seems like forever and the embrace is broken. The two tear-stained friends look up.

The afternoon sun has now gone beneath the horizon and is replaced with the all too familiar twilight scenery, which glows softly for miles and miles, each star a lantern that has been entrusted with keeping something special.

"There was another reason why I wanted to bring you here."

Wilford wipes his eyes with his sleeve. "Do you see that star, the big one?"

"Yeah" "That's the Evening Star. That Star is the reason why I have hope. And now I want to share that hope with you. I know we got off the wrong foot but since we're in the same boat now, I think it's time I opened up about where I've actually been."

Abe swallows, this man is truly broken, and he can't do anything about it.

"Thank you for trusting me." "We're not done yet. It's your turn!" "What?" "Make a wish." Cautiously, the Detective slowly stands up from his permanent grassy imprint and walks towards the cliff's edge. The man looks around and sees only patches of shrubbery and wildflowers.

And his newfound friend encouraging him to proceed.

He clasps his hands together and wishes hard. His eyes scrunch together as he becomes a child once more as well. His once tight shoulders have finally become relaxed. After so many years of searching for answers, he doesn't need to worry any more.

A single tear is swept away from the Murderers face as he watches on from the patch of grass. He remembers that feeling and the dream he wished for all those years ago. Yet now, his wish is slowly changing.

Granted, he can't remember who he was but bully does he know what he wants to be. And being here for him, at this very moment, is a wonderful way to start it.

Abe's hands fall to his side and he stares out onto the ever stretching view. His feet are glued to the spot and his mind is only fixated on that one goal. Wilford slowly joins his side, already having a hunch on what he dearly wants.

"What did you wish for?" The Murderer asks.

The Detective huckles, "Now if I told you, it wouldn't come true, would it?"

"Very true my friend."

Little did the men know that their newly found wishes were the same.

"Don't you mean, Best Friend?"

CRACK

The heartwarming moment is abruptly stopped by the sky blasting wide open and millions of sounds exploding across the cliff. The light breeze has rapidly sped up into a storm and is propelling thick gusts upon the two.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL NOW!?" Wilford yells at the hole, completely unfazed.

"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS!?" Abe yells at his Friend.

"OF COURSE I DO, IT'S TIME FOR WORK."

"WORK!? SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A JOB!?"

"WE ALL HAVE A JOB - WE'RE ACTORS! I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING IF WE DON'T GET SPLIT UP."

"IF WE DONT GET SPLIT UP!? WHERE ARE WE GOING!?" "I HAVE NO IDEA! BUT THAT'S THE FUN OF IT! AFTER THREE, WE WALK IN."

"ARE YOU CRAZY WE'RE GONNA FALL!"

"TRUST ME, WE WON'T."

Wilford grabs Abe's hand and he stares at him. Abe stares back, fear-stricken. Finally, he nods.

"TOGETHER?" "TOGETHER."

"ONE"

"TWO"

"THREE!!!!" The two Actors charge straight over the cliff and into the blinding light.

~

Wilford finds himself in some kind of leather chair with neon lights surrounding him. A script in one and his prop gun in his other.

No pants on, no wonder he feels too comfortable.

He scans his scene and sees his co-actor, Kathryn, running her lines on the other side of the room.

A chair sits opposite him and behind that, a red T-30 minutes until showtime sign is displayed for him.

Abe, however, isn't needed on set yet. His adventure hasn't begun.

But both of their characters will have to cross at one point or another, it's just a matter of time. Yet for a fact, no one can edit their Friendship; Their Joint Wish.

Because, as they say, Life is a road that you're travelling on, when there's one day here, and the next day gone.

[bubbyleh]

Do I Know You? - Chapter 8

read this chapter on ao3! check out the rest of this series on tumblr!

Chapter 8: You’ll Be Fine A little comfort

(minor warning. bubby has a flashback to the tube)

- ○ -

Now, Kleiner knows a lot about abnormal things. They are, afterall, his job. Anomalous Materials is an… interesting place to land, but it at least gives him some perspective on how weird the world can be. The far end of what’s possible.

And Bubby showing up at his door at 1 AM, with a blanket wrapped around their shoulders? It’s definitely teetering on that end.

“Bubby?” Kleiner asks. The trams stopped running about three hours ago, how did they even get here?

“Hey, I-” Bubby swallows, nervously fidgeting with the edge of the blanket. “Harold’s not home, so. Uh.”

Right, Coomer got selected to go to a conference this week. It’s gonna be a few days before he gets back, at least. And Bubby is… scared.

“Oh, well,” Kleiner glances at his TV. “I have some movies, if you want to watch something?”

Bubby’s shoulders visibly relax, and they smile. “Sure. That’s good.”

- ○ -

And so, an hour and a half later, Kleiner finds himself sitting on his couch with Bubby passed out on his shoulder, softly snoring. Their blanket is draped over them, gently rising and falling with each breath. The TV has long since been muted, but the light is still flashing across them. Everything is calm and still, except for one thing.

Kleiner is worried.

The only way Bubby could have gotten here, so late, was if he walked. Which, while not impossible, is still quite a feat to do. Especially since he was asleep not long after, it was clear that something was keeping them awake.

He lost his little sibling for years. He can only imagine the life they lived in that time.

Bubby shifts his head slightly, groaning as his eyes wrench themselves tightly shut. Kleiner frowns.

A terrible thing happened to them both. He can only try to make it better.

Almost instinctively, Kleiner reaches over and brushes his pointer finger against Bubby’s right cheek. Bubby sighs, and just like that, the nightmare is banished. They adjust their head one last time, before settling into their peaceful sleep.

Looks like his old tricks still work.

- ○ -

Bubby winces as they wake up in the morning, both from the embarrassment of having run to their brother the second they got scared at night and the fact that they slept on a shitty couch and their body hurts. Kleiner passes by as they sit up, the springs creaking under them, and offers a few friendly head pats.

“Good morning,” he grins as he sits on the other end of the couch. “You slept for a while.”

“Oh.” Bubby slumps a little. “What time is it?”

“A little past noon,” Kleiner states.

Bubby groans. “At least it’s Saturday.”

“Are you hungry?” he asks. “I didn’t want to make too much noise in the kitchen, in case you needed sleep. But I have some food here if you’re interested?”

Unfortunately, Black Mesa’s singles dorms leave much to be desired when it comes to food preparation. Kleiner’s dorm has a meager stove that takes forever to heat up, but eventually they’re able to scrape together enough cooked eggs for Bubby’s breakfast and Isaac’s lunch.

It’s a nice and quiet meal. Bubby’s almost relieved not to have to shepherd Coomer out of the kitchen whenever he tries to eat the whole container of raw eggs. Almost.

Fuck, fuck! It’s alright! It isn’t even going to be that big of a deal when it’s over and done with. Harold’s going to be back by the end of the day on Monday, and Bubby’s going to be able to see and spend time with him again, and they won’t worry about him being gone anymore. Have they seriously not spent a night apart since they moved in with each other? G*d, that’s pathetic.

He can handle himself until Monday! Just gotta finish these eggs, get out of Kleiner’s hair, head back to the… empty… dorm…

Bubby’s stomach twists and turns itself into knots. Maybe he got a little too used to company. Maybe…

Maybe he just never liked being alone.

“Hey, uh.” Bubby sets their fork to the side for a second. “What are you doing today?”

Kleiner startles at the abrupt conversation, but he smiles. “Well, not much, actually. I might need to do a bit of shopping.” He pauses, glancing at Bubby. “But it can wait if you want to do something.”

“Yes!” Bubby blurts out excitedly, but they quickly regain their composure. “Uh, yeah. I would like that.”

Kleiner chuckles at him.

- ○ -

Selfish.

Needy.

Clingy.

They’re not sure where it’s all coming from. There have been afternoons where Bubby doesn’t see Harold for hours, so it probably has something to do with the overnight aspect. Sure, they’d never gotten the best sleep when they lived on their own, but it’s not like they had an issue with-

There’s pure oxygen being fed into his lungs but he feels like he’s choking there’s a dull ache that is both unnatural and familiar in their back the wires in spine keeps them suspended his limbs feel like lead and they want to sleep so bad so very bad but they just can’t drift off please let them sleep tonight please please

Yikes.

Bubby has to shake that memory from their mind.

Okay, so maybe they had problems with sleeping in the past. But that practically stopped the first time they shared a bed with Coomer.

Squished onto his twin mattress in his shitty old dorm, Bubby was awake for hours after Coomer fell asleep. He snored a bit, but honestly, Bubby didn’t mind. The novelty of having another person by their side was good.

Too good.

That’s why they were awake. They were waiting for something. The other shoe had to drop, because it just didn’t make any sense. After all these years, he was just allowed to do whatever he wanted now? No, the folks at Biological Research would break down his door and reprimand him for “fraternization”. For getting too close. For not knowing their place.

In his sleep, Coomer shifted ever so slightly. His arm, which had been laying outstretched previously, curled in, resting his hand on Bubby’s back. Holding him.

Bubby tensed, their breath hitching. And then, as though they had nothing to worry about at all, they rested their hand on Coomer’s chest, curled into his side, and closed their eyes.

They let their guard down, but they hadn’t exactly abandoned the fear that put it up in the first place.

Bubby realizes this as they pace their bedroom. They’d spent the whole day with Kleiner, even managing to rope him into staying the night on the couch. Which is a little mean to poor Isaac’s bones, considering he’s the older of the two of them.

The thing is, he’s going to start asking questions, and Bubby’s not sure how he’ll answer them.

Harold had mentioned to him one night, about a month ago, that he should tell Isaac about the experiments. The pyrotechnics, the intellect, the trials. Come clean about what happened and how it affected them.

And Bubby had responded with, “Ha! No.”

Which looped back to selfishness. It’s not that he couldn’t talk to Kleiner about it. Hell, he still had the file stashed away somewhere. The only thing he’d have to do was hand it over.

It’s that he didn’t want to.

Bubby shivered, and a glance at the thermostat told him that the heat was on. Damn these underground dorms, even the best ones ran cold.

Oh! He should grab an extra blanket for Isaac! That would be a good start to showing they could be a kind, courteous person who didn’t usually take over someone else’s entire weekend. They even pick out one of the better blankets for him, just to be nice.

Bubby takes a deep breath before pushing open the door.

He’s immediately greeted by the sight of Kleiner startling, frantically hiding something behind his back. He sits up straight.

“Bubby!” Isaac shouts. “It’s, er. Late, isn’t it? What are you doing awake?”

Bubby blinks, eyes flicking towards where Kleiner’s hands disappear behind his back.

“I was getting you another blanket.” Bubby states. “Are you… doing something?”

“No! I-” he swallows. “Are you feeling better? I know today was difficult for you.”

Bubby’s jaw tightens.

Alright.

“Actually, yeah,” Bubby admits, slowly moving to sit down next to their brother. “I’ve been thinking about things.”

“What kind of things?”

“Well,” Bubby says. “I wanted to thank you. Because you put everything you had aside to help me today, and I… I needed someone to do that.”

Kleiner offers a genuine smile, patting their shoulder.

“So, thanks, Isaac.” Bubby holds his arms out, offering a hug.

And like a sucker, Isaac takes it.

For a few seconds, Bubby allows themself the joy and happiness of hugging their older brother. Then, they spot the papers he hid behind his back, and he snatches them.

“Bubby wait!” Kleiner shouts, but he’s not able to wrestle the file away before Bubby sees the title.

B-K55.

Bubby’s eyes narrow at his brother. “Where did you get that?”

“I- I found it.”

“You found it.”

Kleiner nods.

Bubby deadpans. “You found a very personal, very private document that I hid in the cupboard by jamming it behind the drawers? You accidentally came upon that?”

At the very least, Kleiner has the dignity to know when he’s caught red handed. He doesn’t respond.

“Alright.” Bubby pinches the bridge of his nose. “Why?”

[ptergwen]

truth serum

a/n: ok ok ok i've had to post this four times now because it won’t show up in tags for some reason? i’m so :/ tumblr pls stop setting me up bruh. but moving on here’s a summary of the original request and i hope ya like

warnings: little bit of cursing here and there

-

when tom asked if you‘d be interested in going to a comic con with him, there was only one answer: yes. you‘ll take every chance you get to see him in his element. you’re looking forward to checking out some of the cool exhibits they’ll have — and people. comic con is a safe space for all your nerdiness. so really, both of you will be in your element that day.

the only thing you’re uneasy about is tom’s fans. you have no idea how they’ll react to seeing you by his side for hours on end. paparazzi caught you together once or twice, but you couldn’t tell much from their blurry pictures. that didn’t stop everyone from talking.

you’ve been named his new “mystery girl,” and tom still hasn’t adressed the whole situation. no matter how much he loves his fans, he’s not willing to spill every single detail of his personal life. spending time with his girlfriend doesn’t need some big explanation to please the public.

this is the first time you know for sure that you’ll be seen with him. comic cons are huge, and somebody always has their phone out at these things. you don’t want the fans to end up hating you for being there, or tom for bringing you. the way he sees it, they should just be happy he’s happy. anyone who isn’t never truly cared in the first place.

tom usually arrives early to go over his schedule and any last minute details. this time, he’s sleeping in a few hours extra with you. no one knows better than him that all day events can be draining. he wants you well rested and feeling good for it. since people are already at the venue, you’re using a different entrance to avoid getting mobbed.

“stay close, okay? i’m not sure what it’s like in there yet. might be a few people by the door, or a crowd.” you’re walking hand in hand with tom through the back lot. he feels you tense up next to him at the mention of a crowd. they overwhelm the hell out of you, and you’re suddenly feeling way underprepared for this.

“but we’re going in through the back. how are they gonna know that?” you grip his hand tighter without realizing. tom half smirks at your question and leads you over to the door. “my fans figure everything out... almost everything. you ready?”

shrugging your shoulders, you lean into his side for comfort. “sort of. i’m just getting nervous about being around so many people.” “i know, baby. not gonna lie, it’s pretty scary at first. but i’ll be with you the whole time.” he presses a quick kiss to the side of your head. you do feel better knowing he won’t leave you alone when you get inside.

“just try turning your nerves into excitement. it works for me every time. “i’ll do my best. i guess we can go in for real now.” tom’s thumb brushes over yours reassuringly, looking at you once more for any signs of doubt before he opens the door.

only a couple of fans notice tom is there, so it’s not as hectic as you thought it would be. he waves to them and says hi, a smile lighting up his face. you chew your lip nervously and let him take you to where he needs to be. obviously, you get a few stares. some pointing, some whispering. they’re all things that come with being pressed into tom holland in front of thousands of people.

tom brings you over to the check in area and gives both of your names. a woman with a headset on hands him two ID cards. he thanks her before pulling you aside so you two can have a moment of privacy.

“how is it so far? feeling okay?” his voice is soft unlike the yelling around you, which is nice. tom slips the lanyard with the ID over your head. “i’m getting used to it. i don’t know how you do this almost every day,” you admit, tugging on his own lanyard that he’s holding. he wraps an arm around your shoulders.

“i’ll tell you what, it’s a lot easier when you’re with me,” he mumbles into your ear, using that as a way to subtly leave a kiss to the skin. the little things like that are what will keep you together throughout the day.

a man with a headset and planner comes up to tom. why are so many people wearing headsets? he reads off tom’s plans for today, then ushers the two of you over to do meet and greets once tom has everything down. tom already called and explained that you’d be joining him, so he had it arranged for you to sit with the photographer and watch.

that’s definitely going to get people curious. he doesn’t mind too much, as long as it makes the experience more comfortable for you.

“i’ll be right over here. you’ll tell me if you need anything, yeah?” tom gazes out at the long line of fans waiting to see him, meeting your eyes after. “don’t worry about me. go give your fans some hugs.” you squeeze his hand and smile to let him know you’re okay. he smiles back even bigger before going over to greet the first person they send over.

this set up is way better than what you’d expected. you get a front row seat watching tom do silly faces and poses, and he can check in with you from time to time. there’s the occasional “who is that?” or “is it true that you’re dating her?” question from someone nosy.

tom responds with something along the lines of “that’s y/n. she’s a really lovely girl. she’s super awesome,” followed by a wink only for you to see. you find yourself having to hide your blushing face from all of his antics.

after about two hours, tom gets a break from photo ops. he decides to use the time to do whatever you choose, since you’ve been watching him for a while. you just walk around until there’s an announcement that a hypnotist show is about to start, and anyone can attend. you’ve never seen people be hypnotized in person, and it sounds like it could be fun.

tom lets you pick the seats. you end up towards the front for a closer look. his hand rests on your thigh as soon as you’re both seated, missing being able to touch you all day. you lace your fingers with his and watch as the show starts.

you’re both having a good time, laughing along at all the different segments. the guy hosting it is really entertaining. “now, let’s move onto a part of the show i like to call ‘truth serum.’ it’s simple. i’ll choose a member from the audience and get them to spill their guts for all of you, about anything i ask. who shall it be?” he rubs his chin and looks around the room.

he makes eye contact with people around you. you’re regretting getting seats in the third row. you pray he won’t call you up, but that would be too convenient. “ah!” he claps his hands together, gesturing to you. your mouth runs dry. “thanks for volunteering, come on up!”

you look at tom, silently asking if you should. “go on. i kind of wanna see this,” he wiggles his eyebrows at you devilishly. clenching your jaw, you walk past him and onto the stage. the hypnotist taps a chair for you to sit. you just had to be the lucky person he chose. “can we get a round of applause for...” he holds his microphone down to you.

“y/n,” you say into it, your voice coming out shaky. there are at least two hundred people staring up at you right now. “y/n!” he repeats. “everyone put your hands together for this brave soul.” the audience claps, tom cheering the loudest among them all.

“so, y/n. you seem excited to be up here,” the man jokes. tom watches with amusement as you give an unsure smile at the audience. “is it that obvious?” you get a few laughs. maybe this won’t be the train wreck you’re anticipating.

“extremely. y/n, i want you to look at your right hand for me.” he takes a step back, you doing as he says. “focus on your fingers and how they’re curling towards you. keep focusing. notice how you’re feeling more and more relaxed.”

everything he’s saying is actually happening. wanting to remember this, tom takes out his phone and starts recording. “bring your hand over to your forehead. let yourself feel the skin to skin contact. just like that.” you’re starting to feel sleepier. “and close your eyes.” the hypnotist snaps, and there’s silence throughout the auditorium. “you’re in a deep sleep. well done.”

you’re completely passed out with your head hanging low. everyone claps again, gasping and chatting to each other. tom is one of the gaspers. “y/n, you just guzzled a whole can of truth serum. you’re an open book. you love to share. when i snap again, you’ll wake up and answer whatever i ask you. truthfully,” the hypnotist tells you.

he waits a moment, then snaps his fingers. your head immediately snaps up. more gasps. tom puts his hand over his mouth, muffling his laughter at whatever you’re about to say.

“good morning, y/n. how are you doing?” “stiff. my neck hurts a lot for some reason,” you answer honestly, rubbing the back of it. the hypnotist has a smug grin on his face. “very good. we’re going to start off with some basic questions to see where you’re at. they mirror the five senses. y/n, what’s your favorite thing to hear?”

“my boyfriend’s voice. oh my god, and he has the cutest hiccup laugh,” you clasp your hands under your chin. tom is glad his phone is hiding his face so no one can see his cheeks turning pink. “hiccup laugh?” the hypnotist makes a face. “it gets stuck in his throat sometimes. it’s actually so cute.”

“what about your favorite smell?” “oh, that’s an easy one. sandalwood.” you casually reveal to the audience. “tell us why you like sandalwood so much, y/n,” the hypnotist prompts you. “it’s the scent of shampoo my boyfriend uses.” tom practically melts when he catches on. all your favorite things so far are related to him.

“i think we should skip ahead and talk about that boyfriend of yours. you seem to really love him, huh?” “more than anything. if you were planning to ask about anything else that’s my favorite, i’d say him.” there’s a big “awwww” from the whole audience, tom included.

“isn’t that sweet? where is your boyfriend right now, y/n? i’m sure he’d want to hear this.” “he just did, he’s in the audience.” you tell the hypnotist as if he should already know. tom’s lovestruck smile fades away. he hopes the hypnotist realizes it’s too personal to make you keep talking about something like this.

you have no control over what you’re saying, and it’s not going to end well. “why don’t you point him out for us so we can give him a big round of applause?” scanning around for tom with bright eyes, you get out of your seat. you point at him. “he’s right there.”

the whole audience turns to look at who you’re pointing to. tom lowers his phone, his mouth open in shock. everyone starts shouting as soon as they notice it’s tom. you’re confused over what the big deal is, since you’re still not fully yourself. the hypnotist realizes the mess he just caused, quickly sitting you down again to bring you out of it.

“y/n, i’m going to snap again. when you wake up this time, all the truth serum will be out of your system,” he says just to you over the noise, tom sinking down in his seat to avoid questions. the man snaps his fingers. there’s silence like the first time, everyone waiting to see what you’ll say.

you have no memory of anything that happened a few seconds ago. all the eyes on you are freaking you out. “wh- what did i say?” you ask him, biting down hard on your lip. his eyes dart over to tom. he speaks to you without the microphone. “you told the audience about your boyfriend.” it takes a second for you to register what he said. then you see tom down low in his chair, and you’re humiliated.

for yourself, but mostly him. you can’t believe you exposed your relationship in front of all these people. you run off the stage and out of the auditoruim, too embarrassed to say anything else. tom doesn’t hesitate to chase after you.

you’re breathing hard and fast, stopping somewhere there aren’t too many people around. your mind is racing while you try to figure out what’s going to happen next. someone puts a hand on your shoulder. it’s tom. he turns you around to face him.

“fuck, i- i’m so sorry. i don’t know what was going through my head, i shouldn’t have talked about any of that stuff. this is gonna be a nightmare for you,” you spit out all at once. tom only pulls you to his chest. he rubs circles around your back, trying to calm you down.

“it’s not your fault, angel. you didn’t have a choice about saying those things. you know that, right?” huffing, you hide your face in tom’s chest. “but still. i exposed us and i exposed you and now everyone knows something you didn’t want them to. you should hate me right now.” his lips press into a deep frown at what you’re saying. he rests his chin on your head and sighs.

“baby, i’m not mad. the only reason i wanted us to be a secret was for you.” you look up at him hesitantly, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “so i didn’t destroy your whole career in two seconds?” “of course not. there have been way worse things i’ve had to deal with than publicly dating my really lovely, super awesome girlfriend. this won’t be easy, but i promise we’ll get through it together.”

you cheer up a bit hearing him repeat his words from earlier, nodding as you let yourself process everything.

“do you think anyone got me on video? or will they just post about what i said and everyone will believe them?” “i personally recorded the whole thing. not sure about the rest of the audience though,” tom proudly admits to you, making you groan into his chest. “great. that means we should probably say something before the twisted versions of the story come out,” you reason.

he considers it for a moment, and you can see when a lightbulb go off in his head. “what if i officially introduce you to some fans at my next round of photo ops? tell them about us, see how it goes. then we can decide what our next move is.”

it’s a huge relief that he’s taking this slow and giving you a say on how to go public. feeling brave, you peck his lips as a thank you. he’s surprised at first, but kisses back. he can finally see why those annoying pda couples exist. his arm takes its place around your shoulders again, yours going around his waist this time.

“let’s go share our not so secret relationship with the world.”

[jjmaebank]

Fight for Me - Rafe Cameron

A/N: okay so this is based off the scene from one tree hill between Brooke and Lucas, I acc cried writing this because that scene makes me bawl my eyes out, Sophia Bush’s acting >>>

I would also like to thank Cort @pogue-writings because she really helped me understand Rafe’s character and I wouldn’t have been able to write this w out her, so this one’s for you Cort!!

Also I expect tumblr to fuck with the italics in the flashback so I’m sorry in advance

Warnings: this one’s sad :(( also mentions of drugs and substance abuse

Words: 1.8k

+

“What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to say that there was no one else that you could ever be with and that you'd rather be alone than without me!” +

Another night had gone by. Another night of Rafe throwing a party, getting high and flirting with other girls. Another night of Rafe Cameron ignoring your existence.

You and Rafe had been dating for a good few months now and at first it was everything you had ever wanted. He would spend every waking moment with you, taking you out on romantic dates and telling you how much he loved you. He would make you feel so fucking special, he made you feel worth something. Rafe had come into your life during a very dark period, but he had been the one to help you out of it. He had been there for you through everything, held your hand and supported you when you had needed it most. He had been your lifeline.

But now? Now, it was like he didn't exist. He would neglect you when you needed him most, dismiss you when you tried to speak or simply full on ghost you. He wasn’t the same Rafe you fell in love with, or at least he’d hidden this side of him for a very long time.

You had gotten into a massive argument one night and you had hardly spoken since.

“Why are you like this Rafe!” You cried to your boyfriend.

“What the fuck do you mean, (Y/N),” Rafe spat, continuing to pour the white powder out onto the glass coffee table.

“You know what I mean.”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I knew what you meant,” Rafe snarled, still not diverting his attention from his next fix.

“You’re so...so bipolar!” You yelled as the tears continued to stream down your face, but he didn't seem to care.

“Tell yourself what you want (Y/N), but I don't have time for this,” he muttered.

His lack of empathy made the pain in your chest grow stronger.

“Why, Rafe? Why is it that you’re so loving, so affectionate some days, and then completely hostile others? Is there something I’m doing wrong?” You asked, a pleading tone in your voice.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rafe replied, now rolling his note  into a long cylinder.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!” You cried, your body starting to shake as you withheld sobs.

Rafe sighed in irritation, putting down the note briefly to finally look up at you.

“Can’t you see I’m busy here (Y/N)?” He said dismissively, immediately returning to his addiction.

Your heart sunk even more; you didn’t think it was possible to feel this neglected and alone standing next to the boy who claimed to love you, next to the boy you loved. But it was.

You sighed in defeat before bringing yourself to speak again.

“I think we should take a break,” you whispered loud enough for him to hear over the sound of himself inhaling the white powder.

He rubbed his nose, sniffing a little before looking up at you again.

“A break?” He asked, seeming unfazed.

“I..I don't want us to be over Rafe...” you said, wiping the remaining tears from your eyes, “but I think you need to do a lot reevaluation over the choices you’re making right now and how it affects the people around you.”

You expected him to protest, for his eyes to widen as he heard your words. You expected him to rush over to you and plead against it, for him to fight for you. But he didn't.

“Whatever,” Rafe shrugged, “beats me.”

You held in a sob as you heard those words come out of his mouth. He didn't care. You couldn't bring yourself to experience the embarrassment of crying in front of him again so you rushed out of his house as fast as you could, not giving it a second thought.

It had been two weeks since your ‘break up’; but you and Rafe had similar friend groups and hung out at the same places so you practically saw him every single day, and it hurt.

Somedays he would call and ask you how you were, making you think the old Rafe was back. Somedays he was silent and ignored you when he saw you, but you swore you could see guilt in his eyes. You hoped he felt guilty, that he was beating himself up over how he’d acted towards you, the same way you cried yourself to sleep almost every night over the fact that he let you go with such ease. Were you really that disposable to him?

Tonight he was throwing another party at his house while Ward and Rose were away in the Bahamas. You perched on the end of the couch that Rafe was sat on with Topper and two blondes. They were doing lines of coke of course, when was Rafe not inhaling that shit.

“(Y/N), you want some?” Rafe laughed, wiping his nose after doing a line.

You gave him a look; he knew you didn’t do that.

You kept scolding yourself for even being there. It wasn't healthy seeing him, it just made you miss him more. But part of you urged you to stay in case he spoke to you, in case he apologised for how he acted, fought for you.

“Suit yourself,” Rafe shrugged before sprinkling another line for the blonde sat next to him.

She was all over him, stroking his hair and shooting him flirty looks. You wanted to vomit, but the worst part was he didn't seem to care, nor that you were sat inches away.

After what felt like an eternity of sipping from a half empty cup, watching everyone have fun while you had a miserable time, Kelce stood up on the glass coffee table.

“How about a game of spin the bottle!” He shouted, receiving multiple yells and shrieks of excitement.

You felt a pit form in your stomach; you knew this couldn't end well, but you were somehow glued to your seat, the hope that maybe you and Rafe could patch things up blocking the warnings your subconscious was throwing at you.

Around a dozen people had gathered around the coffee table where the white powder had now been replaced with an empty beer bottle. You crossed your legs and pulled the sleeves of your hoodie over your hands in anxiety; you didn't want to be here.

A few rounds went by and you were already sick of watching strangers play tennis with each other’s tonsils. You promised you would leave after that round but just as you were getting up the bottle landed on Rafe. You froze.

Your heart rate practically went through the roof, you could feel your heart thumping in your chest so intensely you were scared others might be able to hear it. Your hands were already clammy from the stuffiness in your hoodie and this only made it worse.

Rafe shot you a quick glance, as if to check whether you were okay and for a split second you relaxed. He wasn’t going to do anything, he wouldn't.

But the next thing you saw was Rafe leaning in to the blonde sat next to him. Your heart sunk.

“Just a joke right?” He laughed whilst licking his lips.

His lips connected with hers as her hands went straight to his hair. His hair that you used to play with in bed on lazy or rainy mornings. Her hands stroked his cheeks, the cheeks you used to squish and prod at when he was feeling goofy or cracking jokes. But what stung most was w watching her kiss his lips. His lips that he used to kiss you with, that he used to whisper sweet nothings to you with, that he used to tell you he loved you with.

You felt sick, physically and emotionally sick. You let out a muffled sob as you covered your mouth with your sleeve and stood up quickly, running out of the room. It felt like déjà vu, but a worse version of what you’d already experienced, much worse. 

“(Y/N)!” You heard someone call out behind you. You knew exactly who it was, but you just ignored him and kept running.

You were halfway through the garden by the time Rafe managed to catch up to you, having yelled your name multiple times. He grabbed your arm and pulled you backwards, spinning you around to meet his gaze.

“(Y/N),” he gasped, “god since when could you run so fast?”

“Do you think this is some joke?” You replied, your voice shaking as you held back tears.

“What? No.” Rafe said, taking a more serious tone than before.

“I can’t believe you!” You cried, letting a tear slip down your cheek.

“(Y/N) it was just a game!” Rafe exhaled, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

“Great, just great!” You threw your arms up in the air, “so we’re just a game too?”

“It’s a party! Shit like that happens all the time,” Rafe said, still not seeming to understand why you were upset.

“Not when you have a girlfriend!” You shouted, you were full on crying at this point. “And not when she’s sat right next to you!”

“You put us on a break remember?” Rafe exclaimed, failing to comprehend.

“A break...you’re not supposed to cheat on a break Rafe, you’re supposed to work to make things right again!” You choked, your throat closing up causing your voice to sound strained.

“What did you want from me (Y/N)?” Rafe cried out, pain now laced in his voice as he saw you break down in front of him.

“What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me!” You cried, clenching your teeth to stop you from letting out sobs.

“I wanted you to say that there was no one else that you could ever be with and that you'd rather be alone than without me!” You continued through sobs, your body shaking, your voice cracking.

“How was I supposed to know that?” Rafe responded, his voice hushed and strained. 

“You just are,” you sighed, the last of your tears falling as you wiped them away.

With that you walked away, not giving him another minute of your time. You knew it was futile, and your heart had suffered enough. You were done.

Rafe stood there in shock as he watched you disappear right in front of him. Part of him was screaming at him to run after you and kiss you, tell you how much he loves you. But the other part of him knew he couldn’t. Rafe was in pain. He hadn’t realised what he’d been doing had affected you so much. He knew he’d acted off and distant, but it was only because he felt overwhelmed sometimes. He never learnt how to be loved, let alone how to love, so he couldn’t handle it sometimes, it would freak him out. But seeing you like this, hearing the pain in your voice, the pain that he’d caused? It broke him. He was no better than his father, and he hated himself for it.

Rafe let his own tears fall as he came to terms with the reality of your situation. He’d lost you because he couldn’t love you the way you wanted him to. There was nothing that hurt him more than knowing he could never be good enough for you, he didn't know how to be. All he’d ever wanted to be his whole life was good enough, always living in the shadow of his sister, never living up to his father’s expectations. And now he knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t good enough for his father, and he sure as hell wasn’t good enough for you, and now he knew he never could be.

+

A/N: idk how proud of this I am but there u have it!

add yourself to my taglist

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[tokugou]

Hi. First: I love your GIFs! They're pleasing to see on my dash (and sometimes gives me niggling ideas for creating GIFs of my own but almost never do it cuz procrastination and my creativity sucks haha 😅)! Please keep creating! <3

Second, genuine question (and out of curiosity): Why do you self reblog your posts often? People can see your posts on their dash, and even on the search thingy. The search thingy doesn't let people see your self-reblogs (just the original post). Even though I've kinda been on and off of Tumblr for years, I don't really get how it works, so I'm a bit confused as to why you and other bloggers self-reblog your/their own posts?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to, though! I'm just genuinely confused and I don't know who/where else to ask/search 😅. Thanks in advance! Have a nice day! <3

I honestly don't know what I did to get dragged into this discourse

Thank you for polite question, I honestly don't know if I can help you a lot and if my answer will explain it as you expect. I also was on and off tumblr for a long time and often, but I can answer it based on my own experience on this becasue it was confusing to me too when I first met with self reblogging.

Long reply under read more so to not trash other people' dash

first of all self promotion isn't a bad thing and i'm staring to think some of people here see it as a crime

compared to old one nowday t/mblr is a mess, lot of people left this site and most of them were content creators (either artists or gifmakers) and back then it seemd more welcoming to editors? People would rb your stuff no matter your popularity becasue hey it is content from my fav series i wanna see more i wanna keep it on my blog and show it to others so there was no need for people to self reblog becasue it circulated around a lot on its own.

new people who join this app are raised on i/stagram t/itter and/or f/book where LIKES means everything, you show your support by liking posts THIS NOT APPLY TO TUMBLR AND NEVER DID [you can check this amazing post about rebloging]. As nice as it is to get likes on your post becasue it is like a pat on a head - it is only a pat, doesn't mean anything on a long run. Reblog = spreading. If people don't spread it we stay unnoticed and we tend to self reblog more.

another thing that changed is: people no longer scroll from top to the last post they saw before going to sleep, cos why would they? You wake up in the morning open app while eating breakfast or drinking coffee and you sroll past ten or twenty post or an equivalent of hour or two of your absence - you dont go deeper cos it would be a waste of time - again, I say USUALLY, some ppl still do this and it is ok either way - which leads us to main point of self/reblog:

DIFFERENCE in TIME ZONE not all of our followers live in the same time-zone, when I post something in my free time it doesn't mean others have it too, most of them are probably sleeping or in working place at that hour. We self reblog so people who were absent (and we think might be interested in - becasue why not? they follow us for a reason right?) can see it when they get back on here. By reblogging ourself multiple times, that puts the post back on the follower’s dash and hopefully gives them a chance to see it.

most of people follow ton of blogs (one of my friend I met here told me they follow over 1k blogs) imagine even half of these blogs posting regulary, a few things per hour, the dash is messy and crowded OUR EDITS TEND TO GET LOST IN IT. Most of people follow a lot of blogs and might miss our posts becaue their dashes are WAY more active than these who follow five or ten blogs.

t/mblr fandoms aren't welcoming to new creators in my experience, to get notes you need to be popular/have lot of followers but you can't have lot of them if your posts aren't spread/seen and so on and so on it go in circle (a lot of ppl also only reblog popular posts and avoid these with litte of notes - don't know why it is like this, maybe they think these posts are suspicious?) so with self reblog we also give some of these fake notes to make a post more appealing, i guess? this one is just speculation.

the search function you mentioned is very rarely used tbh people don't go to search for things daily, they usually only do this when they join new series/ship/etc to check if there is something. People usually stick to what they see on their dashes. AND most importantly this option doesn't work as it should. It is some type of algoritm that promote post that are alive/active - even if your post is relativy new it might not show in search becasue it died quickly (as if it wasn't interacted with for some time). With search option it is 50/50 your thing either show there or not. ALSO REMEMBER search option is a terrible promoted thingy that doesn't show you everything so you better stick to /tagged/ thing you can enter manually while on dash if you are using web t/mblr.

people no longer go straight to specific blogs to check if they missed something, they might do it for their besties (as they call it) but other than that DASH is all people see and focus on, so the more often content creators self/reblog the higher chance followrs will see it.

we are not paid for what we do and it come to everything: edits, gifs, arts, writing, video and META POST we are not paid for it and no matter how many people say notes are just numbers these numbers are our motivational payment, the less you get the less you create because you just don't feel the point of sharing your creations if it is not received well or at all.

when I started posting I used to post new content daily even twice a day, nowdays seeing most of my edits not being well recieved in fandom I lost motivation to the point I was thinking of quiting because it didn’t give me joy anymore and I'm still considering it.

I personally never felt bothered seeing self rebbloged post, I follow a bunch of content creators, some of them sr twice a day some each hour, some more or less often. It often helped me to see something I would missed becasue I wasn't here and personally it often give me joy to see the post I remember seeing that had 2 notes when I rb it and now it is 500 or more.

to anyone who read it and still think self reblog is a bother: do not tell people to stop self reblogging. If you genuinely have a problem with self reblogging, just unfollow or block the person who does it and don’t make a fuss over it!

I hope I managed to answer you at least partly? I probably lost the point somewhere between first sentence and second but... well

[faerielleart]

in a few weeks it’s gonna be this blog’s first anniversary so i would like to ramble a little, feel free to ignore this post, just putting my thoughts out here

i’ve been drawing ever since i can remember and my first introduction to the concept of fandoms and creating content was hetalia, along with aot. i used to draw hetalia fanart and post it on forums, then i posted every once in a while sketches of aot characters on my old tumblr blog, which i’ve had for like 8 years but haven’t used in a long time. i remember drawing constantly until i started high school, and high school for me was the worst years of my life. i became depressed and i wasn’t drawing anymore, i still struggle with depression but i’ve gotten better thankfully. the only thing that made me happy, was listening to my precious boys, BTS. they still make me the happiest nowadays and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them and i owe them a lot. my high school experience was fucked up on all sides. i’m not gonna go into detail, but it was the root of most of the problems i have today with interacting with other people.

why am i saying this? i thought a little backstory was needed here. so, as i said, i stopped drawing almost completely until last year. around maybe february 2020 i started sporadically posting some art on my personal twitter, then i made the big decision, which i pondered over for A LOT of time, of making an art account; i wasn’t sure if i’d be able to keep up the commitment, but i wanted to try anyway. things were okay for a while, but then they spiraled down when my grandma had to be hospitalized for a severe brain hemorrhage in march 2020. my will to do anything completely stopped and i couldn’t do anything, for weeks i said fuck off with my uni work, which caused me to fall a year behind with all my exams and i still struggle with first year programs now that i’m in my second year, with all things i enjoyed doing, all i could think about was how terrified i was for my grandma’s health. i didn’t see her for three months. just days after she got sick, italy was put on a strict lockdown which lasted until june. we couldn’t see her, we couldn’t call the hospital bc the system was collapsing and no one bothered giving us answers, letting us talk to her, no one even took care of her. she was confined to a hospital bed, alone, for 3 months, with no one checking up on her, interacting with her, absolutely nothing. every day i prayed they’d let us bring her home to us, every day i was disappointed. then, on 25th may 2020, we got the call. she had passed away in her sleep. they didn’t even bother to check her temperature and give us an approximate time, nothing. it was the worst moment of my life and i was completely out of it for a month. i turned off my phone for a month, didn’t talk to anyone for a month, didn’t do anything for a month. my grandma has always lived with us and we slept in the same room, in the same bed, until the very last day i saw her. she was my everything and i couldn’t even give her one last hug or tell her one last time that i love her. needless to say, i had 0 motivation to even wake up in the morning.

now, making this blog was like therapy to me. i already had my twitter, but tumblr was another story, it’s much more personal and i was kind of intimidated even as i was contemplating even making an art account in the first place, which is why i went with twitter first.

after a month of not-quite-living, one day i randomly picked up my ipad again and started drawing again. it was an ugly sketch of a person walking with a dog. it felt kind of nice, after a month of feeling completely numb. the more i drew, the more i started feeling better. i was re-reading the latest chapters, and i drew 126 fanart. and i made up my mind, i wanted to try and make a tumblr blog, i wanted to try and interact with a fandom i had followed silently for years after being an active part of it when i was younger. so i did it, and i posted my very first levihan fanart on the internet, on this blog, on 1st july 2020.

what’s all this for, you may ask if you’re still reading. yesterday was 25th may, which marks a full year since that happened. and this year has been revolutionary for my self-confidence and my skills. i have never drawn so much ever before in my entire life. in a year i drew everyday, i shared what i made on the internet, i received love and support for what i made from strangers and it’s been fucking amazing so far. things are better now and i can hope they’ll get better and better each day.

this was all to say, thank you to all of you. to all my almost-300 followers, which is such an unbelievable thing to me and i never would’ve expected to go over 10 followers maximum, to everyone who’s ever left a like on my posts, to everyone i’ve ever talked to on here, and even to the annoying anons who gave me a few laughs with their failed attempts at trolling, a big thank you. thank you for unknowningly being part of what helped me get through this year, thank you for enjoying what i create, thank you for supporting me. thanks to this blog, i’ve met and talked to wonderful people and rekindled my love for a fandom i had pretty much given up interacting with, even if i followed it silently at the same time for years. now the story’s finished, but my love for levihan hasn’t and the art will keep coming. it’s become such a big part of me now and it’s such a huge comfort, right up here with my darlings, BTS. thank you so much for the love and support.

much love,

angie 🌺