#let's count how many people are no longer in my life bc of her

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

Listen world if you're gonna just keep having keeping come in my life and then leave bc of my mother then just kill me bc I can't take it anymore

[atlabeth]

(they all say that) it gets better | luke castellan

bleedin' me dry for context (this is that reader's origin story!!)

summary: a look into your unclaimed year.

a/n: does it still count as fluff if you already know it doesn’t end well? idk but i’m having fun writing for this pair so it’s okay. i hope you guys are enjoying reading them!! this ended up becoming a hell of a lot longer than i thought it would be but these kind of one shots are my faves to write lol

title from teenage dream by olivia rodrigo bc apparently guts teenage angst works very well for a demigod who feels like they're worthless and unwanted for a good period of time!! shoutout to the gods

wc: 11.4k JESUS

warning(s): fem!child of demeter reader. typical anger at the gods, but luke is actually pretty sweet! crazy. mostly hurt/comfort, reader is going through it at the beginning (mentions of injuries and almost dying), honestly she's going through it the whole time but luke is very nice to her lol. barely proofread bc proofing 34 pages is a nightmare !!

It was your first day as a demigod and you were already off to a bad start. 

You didn’t remember much, obviously. There was a lot of stumbling, barely held up by your satyr as you crossed the border, and then full on collapsing. Somehow you managed to stay conscious all the way to the infirmary, enough to hear shocked murmurs from the people-like blobs around you and terrified, whispered affirmations from your satyr as he ran along with whoever was carrying you. 

You didn’t remember much. But you do remember thinking what a shameful existence it would be to die at fourteen. 

And now you were sitting in an uncomfortable cot, staring at the wall and counting divots. The first half of your visit was only there in flashes as you drifted in and out of consciousness, but now, unfortunately, you were fully awake. You belatedly wondered how many other kids began their camp life with a stay at the infirmary. 

The thought was dashed from your head as you jolted and cried out in sudden pain, and you shot daggers with your glare at the boy next to you.  

“Sorry.” The boy fixing you up was about your age, and he almost seemed to glow from within. “You dislocated your shoulder—I was popping it back into place.”

“You could have warned me,” you seethed.

“I did,” he said, and when he placed his hands on your shoulder they actually did glow. “You just weren’t listening.”

“...Sorry,” you said after a moment. “I’m having a rough day.” 

He shook his head with a slight smile. “It’s expected.” 

“It’ll be okay,” your satyr said, and some of the tension left your shoulders as you looked over at Tate. He’d been by your side for the past two weeks of disasters, and you’d saved each other’s lives more times than you could count. You were just thankful he didn’t have to watch you die. “Jace is one of camp’s best healers. You’re in good hands.” 

You nodded, not wanting to cause any more problems, so you bit your lip and bit your tongue and let him heal the rest of your injuries in silence. He was done soon enough, and you could feel both their eyes on you as you rifled through your backpack. Thankfully, Tate brought it in as you were dying. Your own blood stained the nylon. 

“How do you feel?” Tate asked anxiously. 

“Better,” you said, tearing your eyes away from it as you continued making sure all your belongings were still there. “A lot better. Not like there’s much competition.”

Tate chuckled, and Jace picked up a small bag from the bedside table and handed it to you—it looked like there were little pieces of fudge inside. “Here.” 

“What’s this?” you asked as you took it. 

“Ambrosia,” he said. “Wait a few hours before you have a piece, and only have a little if you feel a lot of pain. I already gave you nectar while you were out, and the last thing we need is you burning up.” 

You looked at Tate with raised eyebrows and he smiled a bit. “Ambrosia and nectar are the food of the gods. It heals demigods in small portions, but take too much and you’ll get a fever. Worst case scenario, you’ll literally burn up from the inside.” 

“Oh,” you said, and you stuffed the bag into your pack before zipping it up. “I’ll… I’ll wait.” 

“Probably a good idea,” Jace said, and he looked over at your satyr as he stood up. “I’ve gotta get back to my sword-fighting lessons. Can you give her a tour?” 

He shook his head. “I have to debrief with Chiron and Mr. D. There were some… rough things on the road.” Tate looked at you. “I’ll be back in thirty minutes— are you sure you’ll be okay?” 

“It’s fine,” you said with a smile. “Do your thing. I’ll look around some, then we’ll find each other later.” 

Tate nodded thankfully and went through an open door opposite your bed, and Jace gave you a tight smile as he started to put away all the medical supplies he used on you. You sighed, slung your bag over your shoulder, and walked out. 

You shut the door behind you and blinked rapidly as you tried to adjust to the sunlight. Then, you heard someone sigh. 

“Thank the gods you’re okay.” 

You turned to see a boy standing up from the wall. Dark curls hung just above his eyes, a contrast to his tanned skin, slightly red from exertion. He was wearing the same bright orange shirt that your healer was—Camp Halfblood, it said in curved text. He was far too pretty for his own good. 

“I’m the one who carried you in,” he said, and you realized you were frowning. “Wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

“Oh,” you said. “That’s… that’s nice of you.” 

“It’s been a while since we’ve gotten someone new,” he said. “Even longer since they’ve had such a dramatic entrance.” 

You shrugged. You didn’t exactly know what to say to this boy. “Sorry.” 

He paused for a moment, and then he nodded. “Not one for conversation. That’s fine.” 

“I did almost just die,” you said wryly. “I’m fresh out of icebreakers at the moment.” 

“Maybe I can help with that.” He held out his hand. “Luke Castellan. Head Counselor of the Hermes cabin, and apparent rescuer of damsels.” 

You huffed a laugh as you stared at him. “I’m a damsel?” 

“I’d say you were in as much distress as someone could be back there,” he said with a shrug. “I practically saved your life. I think that deserves a handshake.” 

The slightest bit of tension dissolved from your shoulders and you shook his hand. His smile grew. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked, dropping his hand. “You were pretty rough when I found you.” 

“Better,” you said, though you grimaced a bit as you tested your shoulder, and you decided to switch your pack to your other side. “Whoever that guy in the infirmary is, he’s good.” 

Luke nodded. “Son of Apollo—they’ve got healing abilities. Very useful when we’re all constantly getting injured.” 

Your brows knit together. “So it really is all real.” 

“You were nearly dead on our doorstep, and from those claw marks I’m guessing it wasn’t just a bad fall.” Luke offered a wry smile. “I’m sure you’ve known it’s all real for a while.” 

“Of course,” you said. “It’s just weird to really know that it’s all real. To see all of you, really. Just knowing I’m not alone.” 

He nodded. “That’s the best thing about it, knowing you’re not alone.” He looked around at your surroundings—various campers chatting as they walked with each other (some glancing at you as they went by), distant shouts and cheers, and a perfectly blue sky matching the perfectly blue house you just left. 

“I’d say the worst thing about it is feeling like I still have no idea what’s going on,” you said. “Unless the gods exist just to be deadbeats. That’d be disappointing.” 

Luke actually laughed at that, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and you found yourself smiling a bit. “I can tell we’re gonna get along.” 

Your own smile returned—it was like his joy was infectious. “You think so?” 

“I know so,” he nodded. “Just… try not to throw the gods’ names around like that. They don’t like to be talked about unless they’re being revered.” 

You huffed. “Sounds like an interesting place.” 

“Camp Halfblood,” he provided, and he gestured around you with his hand. “Keeping young heroes safe for over three millennia.” 

“What,” you said wryly, “are you their PR guy?” 

Luke laughed and shook his head. “It’s something Chiron likes to say.”

“You’re the second person to mention Chiron,” you said. “Who exactly is he?” 

“You haven’t gotten a tour yet?” 

You gave him a look. “Come on. You carried me in. You think I could have gotten a tour between then and now?” 

“Fair,” he admitted, and he tilted his head. “I can give you one, if you’re so inclined.” 

“I said I would wait for Tate,” you said. “He’s my satyr— I figure I owe it to him.” 

“C’mon,” Luke said. “He’s meeting Chiron and Mr. D—that’ll take long enough on its own, and if we don’t get out of here soon enough, you’re gonna get dragged into a whole other conversation with them. At least this way, you can get a little bit of downtime before all the lore of this place is dropped on you.” 

You bit your lip, and then you sighed and nodded. “Fine. But it can’t take too long.” 

Luke smiled and held up three fingers. “Halfblood’s honor.” 

-

You didn’t know where to start.

There were far more people than you expected, not nearly enough beds for all of them, and half were talking and a quarter were fighting and the others were just completely unfazed. All you could do when you walked in was stare.

“You get used to it,” Luke said, glancing over at you. “Everyone’s nice, I promise—just keep a hand on your pockets.” 

You frowned. “Why?” 

He gave you a crooked smile. “Hermes is the god of thieves. We learn by experience in this cabin.” 

Your hands instinctively reached back to the pockets of your jeans, despite the fact that you hardly had anything to your name. “Why do they put the new, naive kids in here again?” 

“God of travellers, too—all are welcome.” Luke saw your hand shoot to your pocket and laughed. “Don’t worry. I won’t let anyone mess with you too much—for now, at least.” 

“Oh, good,” you said lightly. “The hazing doesn’t start until later.” 

Luke smiled as he continued to guide you through the cabin, nodding to and greeting campers with equal parts names and handshakes as he walked past them. You got just as many stares as Luke did hellos, and your skin crawled at the attention. 

“Why are they all looking at me?” you whispered to him. 

“Like I said, you’re the first new camper in a while.” Luke glanced at you. “News spreads fast, especially in this wreck of a place.” 

“It’s not that bad,” you said , but your grip tightened on your backpack strap. “Just very busy.”

“That’s what happens when they shove everyone in here,” Luke said. “All are welcome means all are welcome—Hermes kids, unclaimed kids, and kids of minor gods.”

You frowned. “Minor gods don’t have cabins?” 

“This place is as much for us as it is in honor of the gods,” he said. “Twelve cabins for twelve Olympians. They don’t see it as a problem, therefore we can’t see it as a problem.” 

You decided to bite your tongue, but you couldn’t hide your sigh. “I guess I’m gonna be here for the time being.” 

He looked you up and down, and all you could think was that you must look like an absolute disaster. “I’m guessing you fall into the unclaimed.”

Your lips pressed into a thin line, a sad attempt at a smile. “Yeah, but I just got here—I bet my mom doesn’t even know it yet. Gods are busy.”

“They’re also omniscient,” Luke said wryly. “I’m sure she could have claimed you the second you crossed the border. Your parent could’ve given you a little divine intervention and kept you from nearly dying on the hill.”

“Well, I’m here for now,” you said with a bit too much force, and your nails dug into your palms. “So do you mind showing me around?” 

Luke stared at you for a moment before he smiled. “‘Course not. I can also give you a quick tour of camp too, if you haven’t already gotten one.”

You shook your head. “Only the infirmary.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” he said, “you heal up well.”

“I don’t think that’s a credit to me,” you said. “I think it’s whatever magical drink that healer gave me while he was trying to bring me back. Tasted like pecan pie.”

“Nectar,” he said as he started walking, and you followed behind him. “Drink  of the gods that heals demigods in small portions. It tastes like your favorite food—same as ambrosia.” He stopped in an empty corner and looked at you. “You like pecans?”

You shrugged, suddenly self conscious. “My dad makes it the best.”

“I hope you’ll be able to get the real thing soon,” he said, and then he gestured with a flourish at the same empty corner. “Welcome to your new home.”

You stared at him. “This is the floor.”

“We’re a little overbooked,” Luke said sheepishly. “If it makes you feel better, we’ve got sleeping bags. And this is a top tier corner. Quieter than the others.”

“…Great,” you said. “I feel very welcome.”

“I’m sorry.” To his credit, he sounded like he meant it. “Bunch of unclaimed kids, couple kids of minor gods, couple Hermes kids—it all kinda adds up to a mess.”

“...It’ll be better than camping,” you said, though mostly to yourself as you took your bag off your shoulder and let it thud to the ground. 

“Hey,” Luke said, and his voice was softer, “it’ll be okay. With any luck, your parent’ll notice you now that you’re at camp, and you’ll be claimed before you know it.” 

“I hope so,” you murmured. 

“Luke, who’s the new girl?” 

A boy with curls just as good as Luke’s walked up and clapped him on the back, smiling at you in a way that instantly set you at ease. He also wore the orange camp shirt, with long tan sleeves below that he’d pushed up to his forearms. He had kind eyes. 

Luke said your name, his own smirk on his lips as he looked back at you. “You’ve probably heard about her dramatic entrance by now, but she’s the newest resident of the Hermes cabin.”

“Unclaimed or your sibling?” he asked. 

“...Unclaimed,” you said yourself. You hadn’t even been here for more than two hours and it already felt like your own brand of shame.  

He repeated your name with a nod and held out his hand. “I’m Chris,” he said. “Fellow unclaimed kid.”

A little bit less of a scarlet letter, at least. You swallowed your budding insecurity and shook his hand. “Sounds like a shitty club to be in.”

He snorted. “You’re telling me.”

“How— how long has it been?” you asked hesitantly, almost afraid to know the answer. 

His lips pressed into a tight smile. “Couple years.” 

“Gods,” you murmured. You didn’t know if you’d be able to wait that long. It had been hard enough already growing up without one—if your mother was just out of reach after all this time, you would surely lose your mind. 

“Don’t worry,” Chris said, his expression softening a bit. “It won’t take that long for you. I can tell.” 

“That’s what Luke said,” you responded wryly. “Do I give off a vibe that says ‘I’m unwanted, but not for too long’?” 

Luke laughed and shook his head. “I promise, it’s all gonna be okay. I’ve been the counselor here for a couple months—kids get claimed all the time. I bet you’re next on the list.” 

“Maybe,” you said. You didn’t believe it as much as they did—if they did at all. 

You heard the door open and your head automatically turned to the noise, and you felt the heat rush to your cheeks in embarrassment as Tate came through, slightly out of breath. You stared at Luke—he said thirty minutes at least. He just shrugged. 

“I figured you would be here,” Tate said, his chest rising and falling just so as he walked—trotted?—inside. “You didn’t exactly wait.” 

You opened your mouth to speak up, but Luke beat you, already putting on a charming smile. “Sorry. We got to talking, and then I offered to show her around the Hermes cabin. Just so she  could put her things down, y’know.” 

“‘Course,” Tate nodded. “That— that was probably a good idea. Would have been bad if you got lost or something.” 

“I’m sorry,” you said, and you went to pick your bag up. “Luke said you would be talking for a lot longer— I was going to come back after I was done with this.”

Tate shook his head. That nervous energy from the worst parts of the road was back, and you wondered how badly the talk with Chiron and Mr. D went. “No, it was a good idea. Better than you getting lost around camp or caught up with some troublemakers. Thanks, Luke.” 

“‘Course,” he said. 

“Not sure she’s in much better hands with Luke,” Chris said wryly. “He’s head troublemaker in the cabin of troublemakers.” 

Luke just chuckled and shook his head. “It’s her first day. I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.” 

You were only able to glance at Luke for a moment before your attention was drawn back to Tate as he gestured outside with his head. “Chiron’s waiting outside. He wants to talk to you some before the tour.” 

And now you had to deal with it too. “...Great,” you said. You set your bag back on the ground, in your newly coveted corner.  

“It’ll be fine,” Tate promised. “You already went through Hades to get here— he’s not gonna pile on you more. That’s why Mr. D is back at the Big House.” 

This time, you did look at Luke. Thankfully, he understood. 

“Dionysus,” he explained. “He’s our camp director.” 

You blinked. “The god?” 

“Yep,” he nodded. “Punishment from Zeus. Not the worst gig, but he’s… interesting.” 

“Great,” you repeated, because you didn’t feel like processing that at the moment, and you looked back at Tate. “You’ll be with me, right?” 

He nodded. “Not for the talk, but for the tour.” 

You let out a loose breath, because it was going to be fine. He was just the authority figure of the one safe place in the world for you, and you were just an annoying kid that had no idea what the hell was going on. 

“Great,” you said for the third time. You looked back at Luke. “I’ll see you around?” 

He smiled and bowed his head. “Definitely. You do kinda live here indefinitely now.” 

You nodded, more relieved than you wanted to show, and you started following Tate out.

You heard Chris mutter something to Luke, and you turned your head in time to see Luke jab him in the side. His head perked up when you laughed, and his whole expression changed as his smile returned and he did a little wave. 

You couldn’t help but smile back as you did the same, and you left the cabin with a little pep in your step. 

—

“You promise you’ll be safe.” 

“Yes, Tate,” you said with a slight laugh. “The worst is already over—you got me here, and we’re both alive. I’m gonna be fine.” 

“I know,” he said, and he managed his own smile. “I’m just worried about you. You don’t spend two weeks on the road fighting for your life with someone and not get a little attached.” 

“You’ll be back here, right?” you asked. “I know your whole thing as a Protector, but you’ve gotta drop the demigods off too, right?” 

“Of course I’ll be back,” he promised. “It… just might be a while. You’re the third demigod I’ve gotten to camp safely, now—Chiron’s trusting me with a bigger mission. It might be a couple months, but I’ll be back.” 

“And you’re telling me to be safe,” you said wryly. 

“I’ve been doing this for a while,” he said. “You just got here.” 

“I know,” you said, and you pulled him into a hug. “Just don’t get killed out there.” 

Tate laughed and patted you on the back before he pulled away. “So long as you don’t killed out here.” 

“Thanks for everything,” you said with a nod. 

“Thank you,” he said, and he gestured at the pavilion with his head. “Now get over there and make some friends. I’ll see you around.” 

You hugged him one last time before you reluctantly went off, and you looked back to wave him goodbye before you really started on your way. 

Your head still spun with all the information Chiron and Tate had imparted on you—so much about Greek mythology (and how it was all real), ADHD and dyslexia (and how they weren’t just there to make your life harder), your godly parent (who would hopefully claim you within the month) and so much more that you knew you would forget in an hour or two. 

And Chiron’s talk. God, it felt more like you were in the principal’s office than anything, even though he was nothing but kind. You couldn’t help but be overwhelmed from it all, and though the talk was probably meant to stave some of that anxiety off, it really didn’t. 

But you’d always felt out of place all your life. And now you were finally where you were meant to belong—that had to count for something. 

Tate had dropped you off at the pavilion—nearly dying had taken a lot out of you, and it just happened to be lunch—and just as you neared the tables and realized you had no idea where to sit, your eyes were drawn to a boy raising his hand and calling your name. 

You looked over and saw that it was Luke, the counselor from earlier, and you couldn’t help but smile. True to his word. 

You weaved your way through various campers and around tables full of kids to finally stop next to Luke’s table—Chris, the guy from earlier, sat across from him, and they both smiled at you. 

“How’d the tour go?” he asked. 

“Fine,” you said with a nod. “A little overwhelming, but better than I thought.” You pulled at your new camp shirt, the fabric noticeably brighter than a majority of those around you. “I match now, at least.”

“Orange suits you,” Luke remarked, and he patted the open spot next to him. “Sit down—stay for a while.”

You chuckled as you sat down. You still felt out of place, but at least they weren’t going to hang you out to dry. “Bright orange seems like an odd choice when we’re trying to stay hidden.”

“Probably so Chiron doesn’t lose us,” he joked. “This place is huge, and there’s a lot of us. When the newest camper gets turned around in the woods during capture the flag and nearly dies to a monster, it’s easier to find them.”

You frowned, and you must’ve not been very good at hiding your panic because Chris shook his head.

“Luke, you’re scaring her. She’s already been through enough.” 

“Don’t worry,” Luke said, patting you on the shoulder. “Just a little halfblood humor. You’re gonna be fine, I promise.”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” you said wryly. “It feels like I nearly died four hours ago and now I have no idea who anyone is or what to do.”

“Not true,” Chris spoke up, and he smiled. “You know us.”

“I’ll look out for you,” Luke promised. “And pretty soon, you’re gonna be good enough to look out for me.”

You let out a long lasting sigh. “God, I hope so.” 

—

“You’re not holding it right.” 

You adjusted your hold on the hilt, resisting the urge to wipe away the bead of sweat dripping down your forehead and the even stronger urge to hit him. 

“You’re still not holding it right.” 

Your teeth grinded together as you turned to look at Luke. “Are you gonna actually help me, or just stand there judgmentally?” 

“I dunno,” he said. “The weather’s pretty good over here.” 

You groaned and moved your non-dominant hand closer to the pommel, shifting your other down as well. “Is this worthy of your approval, Your Majesty?” 

Luke chuckled as he walked over to you, and you could feel the calluses on his hands as he adjusted your form with slight touches to your arms. “It is acceptable, my lady, but your posture is not.” 

“I don’t know how so many people at this camp like you,” you grumbled. “This is awful, and so are you.” 

He smiled. “You’ve been here for two weeks. Give yourself some grace.” 

“I’ve spent one of those trying and failing at the most basic basics of sword-fighting,” you said. “I spent the past hour losing to an Ares kid who I’m pretty sure actually wanted to kill me.” You looked over at Luke. “Thanks for that, by the way.” 

“Trial by fire,” he supplied. “You’re still alive, so obviously you’re doing something right.” 

“Yeah, probably because you’re here,” you said. “You can’t just kill someone when their counselor’s standing right next to them. It’s bad publicity.” 

Luke huffed a laugh and shook his head as he crossed his arms. “Stop talking down on yourself. You managed to make it here with a couple monster attacks on the way—what’d you use then?” 

“I started off with a screwdriver I stole from the garage before Tate and I left,” you said. “And then I stole a hunting knife from some outdoor store. Not exactly top-tier.” 

“Lotta stealing,” Luke chuckled. “Maybe you are a Hermes kid.” 

“They nearly caught me,” you said. “Definitely not.” 

“Regardless of thievery, you still survived,” he continued. “You’re not a bonafide swordsman, that’s fine. But you’re resourceful, creative—scrappy in a fight is just what we need sometimes.” 

“Great,” you mumbled. “I’m ‘scrappy’.” 

“It’s a compliment,” he promised. “If we were all sword-fighters, we wouldn’t get far. Someone like you is gonna do us a lot of good.” 

“If I don’t die before I even get out to the battlefield.” You knocked the helmet off of one of the straw dummies with your sword and sighed as it clattered to the ground. “This is the only enemy I stand a chance against.”

“You’re thinking too much about it all,” Luke said. “You’re literally wired for battle—didn’t you feel it during your fights on the way to camp?”

You shrugged. You guess you did—you remember not even taking the time to analyze the situation, just knowing your lives were in danger and finally feeling the ever-present jitters in your bones settle for the first time. 

“It was rough,” you finally said. “But… it did feel like I knew what I was doing. Like my body understood it all even when my mind was still a couple steps behind.”

“And that was without training, and with,” Luke huffed an incredulous laugh, “a screwdriver. Just imagine what you’ll be able to do with actual Celestial bronze and actual training.” 

“…I think I remember why people like you,” you said reluctantly. “And why I liked you.” 

Luke grinned as he stood up. “That’s the spirit.” He picked up the fallen helmet and placed it back on the dummy, then looked at you. “I think I’ve put you through enough suffering. Let’s get lunch.”

“So a compliment was all it took for me to get out of this?” you asked in exasperation, gesturing with your sword as you worked to undo the ties on your armor with your other hand. 

“Exactly,” he mused, and he took the sword from you to store it away. “I don’t get nearly enough compliments these days, y’know. Sometimes you end up taking that out on campers that don’t know how to swordfight.” 

“Luke Castellan,” you grumbled as you finally got your breastplate off, “you are a piece of work.” 

He winked. “Thank you.” 

—

You didn’t think you were built for this life. 

It was the only thought running through your head as you sat at a crowded Hermes table, absentmindedly picking at fruit with your fork as you stared off into the distance.

You’d been at Camp Halfblood for a month now, but it had already felt like a lifetime. 

You’d managed to make a few friends—a Demeter girl who grew you a bouquet of your favorite flowers as a consolation prize for fighting dirty during training; an Athena boy who told you whatever interesting fact popped into his head first every time you ran into each other; the Hebe girl who had the misfortune to have the corner opposite you in the Hermes cabin and showed you skincare tips once in a while. 

Throw in a smattering of Hermes and unclaimed kids and a counselor that seemed determined to make you smile, and you weren’t as lonely as you thought you’d be. 

You were learning how to fight in your own way. Luke was right—you weren’t a swordsman, but you were damn good up close and personal. He’d taken you to the camp armory, you found a Celestial bronze dagger that spoke to you, and from then on you’d actually been doing well in training.

Your corner of the Hermes cabin didn’t feel as sad anymore, either. Luke took you to the camp store for retail therapy after you nearly burned your jeans off on the climbing wall, so now you had an AC/DC poster (courtesy of the little money you had) and an I ❤️ NY keychain to attach to your backpack (courtesy of Luke’s idle hands).

You were starting to come into your own, sure. You were doing better in training and making friends in the cabin you were stuck in and starting to get used to burning part of every meal, but the most glaring issue of all still hadn’t been resolved.

You still hadn’t been claimed. 

And maybe it shouldn’t have been such an issue for you, but how could you not feel shitty? How could you see all the different tables and all the different kids talking and smiling and joking with each other that had parents who cared enough to at least claim them, and not feel unworthy?

Because you did. You felt unworthy, and it didn’t matter how many times you took your sparring partner down or bested the climbing wall or actually hit the bullseye at archery practice—your mother didn’t think you were good enough, so neither did you. 

“How’re you doin’, Berkeley?” 

You frowned. You didn’t have to look up to know it was Luke as he sat down next to you. “What?”

“Did you not hear me?” he asked, but you were already shaking your head.

“Berkeley,” you repeated, finally glancing at him. “That’s not my name.”

Luke shrugged. “I dunno what to tell you. You’re unclaimed. UC. University of California—first one I think of for you is Berkeley.”

You were staring now. “You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’ve got tons of UCs. I’ve gotta keep track of them all somehow,” Luke said, and he pointed at campers both at your table and walking around as he talked. “That’s LA, Irvine, Davis—the others aren’t here, but you get the gist.” He looked back at you. “Been savin’ Berkeley for someone special.”

“Oh gods,” you said, horrified. “I’ve got to get claimed.”

One of the girls at the table—Irvine?—rolled her eyes as she stood up and flicked Luke on the head. “Be nice,” she said before walking away. All he did was smile.

“Maybe give it to someone else,” you said. “I don’t feel special.”

Luke’s brows creased. “If you don’t like it—”

“It’s fine,” you said. “The name doesn’t bother me. The reason I have it does.”

His eyes softened as he said your actual name. “It’s only been a month. You’ve still got plenty of time.”

You looked across at the Hebe girl you’d become friends with—Marisol, if you remembered right—and hoped that your eyes didn’t show the desperation you felt. “How long did it take for you?” 

She offered a sympathetic smile. “Six months. But it probably won’t be that long for you.” 

“That’s what everyone keeps saying,” you mumbled. But it had been a month, and you hadn’t gotten a single sign. 

“Because it’s true,” Luke urged. “Whoever your mom is will notice you—you’ve been killing it lately.” 

“Really,” you said flatly, “I’ve been killing it.” 

“Yes,” he said. “You don’t know it because you’ve only got your own experience—you went from nearly dead on our doorstep to taking down most of your opponents.” 

“In training,” you said. 

“That still counts!” Luke exclaimed. “Y’know, you’re holding yourself back. You’re incredible, but you’re the only one that seems to not notice it.” 

“And my—” 

“Do not say your mom,” he said, pointing a finger at you. “We’re not talking about the gods right now, we’re talking about you. And you, Bee, are killing it.” 

That gave you pause. “Bee?” 

“I’m trying to get you back up and you focus on the nickname?” Luke asked wryly. 

“Just explain it,” you said. 

“Bee shortened from Berkeley,” he said. “Not fully unclaimed, but still something special.”

God, you hated him. You’d been feeling shitty for a majority of your month here, but he always managed to make you smile.  

“Sure,” you said. 

“And a little annoying,” he added, earning himself a jab in the side as he laughed, “with a bit of a sting.”

“Aren’t you just so clever?” you mused, though you couldn’t help your smile widening.

“It’s in my genes,” he said proudly.

For the rest of a less than exciting lunch, Luke kept you occupied. Whether it was stories of his life before camp, or the couple of months that earned him counselor before you got here, or getting the other campers at the Hermes table to talk about themselves, he made sure you didn’t get a chance to spiral. 

By the end, your face hurt from smiling

As you finished cleaning up, Marisol turned to you.  “Me and a couple other girls were gonna go play volleyball—do you wanna come with us?” 

“Yeah,” you said, and your smile grew. “Yeah, I’d love to. Thanks.” 

“‘Course!” she exclaimed, and she linked arms with you. “I’d be a fool not to get you on my team after you took down Liam yesterday.” 

She continued to talk as she pulled you along, and you looked back at Luke. He chuckled and gave you a thumbs up. “Go get ‘em, Bee!” 

You gave him one back, and as you turned back to Marisol, you found that you couldn’t stop smiling. 

—

It was two in the morning and you couldn’t stop crying.

You finally had a mattress against your back, and however stiff it was, it was better than the floor. A decent amount of kids got claimed over the past month, and half the cabin left after the summer was over, so you finally had the privilege of a bunk—thankfully, Marisol did too, and she was below you. 

At least, until the summer-only campers that all the Hermes kids liked more than you returned. Then it was back to the floor.

Unless you got claimed before then. But that was less likely than being able to muster some good will from your cabin mates. 

Because it was embarrassing, truly. You’d been at camp for four months now, and you hadn’t even gotten a single goddamn peep from whoever your mother might be. You just woke up every day on the floor, moseyed about a camp that still didn’t feel like home, burned offerings to a god that didn't want you, and went back to sleep on the floor. 

And now you were crying in a bed that was barely even yours and it was two in the morning and you were wondering if it would have just been better for you to die on the road to camp the first time, because at least then your mother might have actually paid attention to you. 

“Hey.” 

And now you were really wishing you’d died because you’d woken someone up and they’re just gonna hate you more— 

“Are you okay?” 

You finally turned your head from where it had been buried in a pillow, a laissez-faire attempt to suffocate yourself or maybe just muffle the noise, and you saw Luke Castellan. Counselor of a cabin of thieves, vagabonds, and rejects, and maybe the only person that you didn’t want to see you like this. All that good will, the unearned faith you’d accumulated—this was the easiest way to lose it. His eyebrows were creased, and his whisper held what sounded like concern, but he was required to be concerned. 

You nodded, still not moving, still not speaking. Tears rolled down your cheeks and stained the bed sheet. 

“You’re gonna have to be a little more believable than that, Bee,” Luke murmured. 

“No, I don’t,” you whispered back. 

You got the tiniest huff of a laugh out of him, and he gestured towards the closed door with his head. “Wanna take a second?” 

“It’s past curfew,” you mumbled. 

“And you’re miserable,” Luke said. “You can’t feel any worse getting eaten by harpies than you do now.” 

Still, you stared at him. 

“It’ll be okay,” he promised. “Right outside the cabin. Harpies won’t even know.” 

You rubbed a hand across your face, coming away wet with tears, and you realized that he wasn’t just going to leave you like this. So you got up as quietly as you could, careful not to disturb your bunkmates, and followed Luke. He pushed the door open and shut so quietly you wondered how many times he’s snuck out. 

The cold air was sobering, and you wiped away more tears before wrapping your arms around yourself. Camp Half-Blood was always supposed to have perfect weather, but you guess not even they were immune to November nights. 

“So,” Luke started, and in your peripherals you could see him leaning against the side of the cabin. You could feel his gaze on you, and you just stared off into the distance. 

“So,” you repeated. 

“You wanna tell me why you’re crying in the middle of the night?” he asked. 

“Not really,” you said, because it felt ridiculous that a boy your age was acting like he’s ten years your elder. 

Luke chuckled and tipped his head. “Fair. You want to say anything at all?” 

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” 

He shook his head. “I was already up. I’m a light sleeper.” 

“Seems rough in a cabin like this,” you said. 

“I’ve gotten used to it,” he said. “Did you have a nightmare?”

You frowned, because now it really felt like he was babying you. Luke must have caught on, because he laughed a bit and shook his head.

“Demigods have… extremely vivid dreams,” he said. “Typically horrific nightmares. Sometimes prophetic.”

Your frown deepened. “That’s awful.”

Luke shrugged. “It’s just the way it is. The gods can’t interfere in mortal affairs, so I guess it’s their way of letting us know what’s wrong.”

You shook your head with a sigh. “No nightmares, thankfully. Just… feeling overwhelmed.”

“About what?” he asked. “I told you you’ve been doing great.” 

“It doesn’t matter how many times you say it,” you said wryly. “It doesn’t mean I believe it.” 

“There’s no reason you shouldn’t,” he asserted. 

You huffed a laugh. “It’s been four months, Luke. Four months since I got here after nearly dying in five different states, and I don’t even know who’s responsible for it.” 

“Ah,” Luke said. “The unclaimed thing.” 

“Yeah,” you said wryly. “I guess you could call it that.”

“Sorry,” he said, and he shook his head. “It’s a bigger deal than that, I know.” 

“Maybe it isn’t,” you said. “There’s at least six other kids in there dealing with the same thing as I am, and none of them are waking up their counselor in the middle of the night with their tears.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Luke said with surprising conviction. “Like your feelings aren’t valid. Because they are.” 

You crossed your arms. “Doesn’t seem like it.” 

“They are,” he insisted. “A— and you’re not bothering me. We’re friends, and we help each other. I care about you, y’know.” 

“I never said I was bothering you,” you said wryly. 

“You thought it,” Luke said. “I know you did.” 

“...Maybe.” You sighed and shook your head as you looked out at the stars. They really were beautiful here. “I just can’t help but be bitter about all this, and I feel so shitty about it.” 

“Would it make you feel better to know you’re not the only one that thinks that?” he asked. 

“A little, yeah.” You glanced at him. “No one else seems too bothered that their parents are never around.” 

“Most of them have accepted that it’s just the way it is,” he said. “Doesn’t mean you have to.” 

“Have you?” 

Luke sighed after a moment of reluctance. “I… I have a complicated relationship with my dad because he was around. It was almost… worse to know him, and then to have him leave.” 

“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” you quoted. 

“I don’t know about that,” Luke murmured. “But it certainly helps to talk about it.” 

You glanced over to see him gazing off into the distance, a look in his eye that you couldn’t quite place. This was the most he’d ever talked about his past to you, you realized—and it still wasn’t much. 

“When were you claimed?” you asked after a moment of contemplation.

Luke shrugged. “I never really had to be. Hermes stayed with my mom for a year after I was born, and she told me who he was when I was a little older. I’ve known basically my whole life—he had no reason not to claim me as soon as I got to camp.”

“So you’re saying my dad could be keeping secrets from me too,” you said. 

“He might not know,” Luke said. “A lot of times, they don’t talk about it. Sometimes, we don’t find out until a monster’s trying to kill us on a field trip.” 

You huffed. “What a great existence we’ve been blessed with.” 

Luke smiled, though it was tighter than usual. He let out a deep breath, then fully turned to you. 

“Do you have your dagger with you?”

You frowned. “It’s under my pillow. Why?” 

“Under your—” Luke stared for a moment before he laughed and shook his head. “A little paranoid?” 

You shrugged. “You said it yourself. You’re a cabin of thieves.” 

“True,” he admitted. “How’d you like to get some of this emotion out?” 

“We’re sneaking out even more?” 

“It’ll be fine,” Luke promised. 

“You always say that,” you said. “Eventually, it’s not gonna be true.” 

He laughed and gestured at the door. “Get your dagger. We’re gonna make this a very bad night for some mannequins.” 

-

“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.” 

You huffed as you ripped your dagger out of the dummy, a few strands of straw coming out of the new hole you’d torn in its forehead, and wiped the sweat off your forehead. “Are you kidding? This was a great idea.” 

“Not this part,” he said. “The ‘being alone with you during a rage’ part.” 

“I’m not in a rage,” you muttered as you slashed at the breastplate, “I’m blowing off steam.” 

Luke hummed. “And you thought you weren’t a good fighter.” 

You stabbed at the armor again then rammed your fist into its head, and you took a step back as the mannequin thudded to the ground. “I guess I just need to think about my mom before I go into battle.” 

“Y’know, Bee,” Luke said, “you scare me sometimes.” 

You shook your head, wiping your blade on your night shirt to get any debris off as you turned around. “You’re really gonna stick with that?” 

“I told you I’d stop if you didn’t like it.” 

“It’s not that. I just…” You sighed and shook your head again. “It doesn’t matter.” 

“Of course it does.” Luke crossed his arms. “Everything you have to say matters.” 

“Not if I say it doesn’t,” you countered, and you looked at him. “Who do you think it could be?” 

“Your parent?” he asked. You nodded. 

“Definitely not Apollo,” Luke said. “You’re way too dreary to be a kid of the god of the sun.”

“Gee,” you said dryly, “thanks.” 

Luke shrugged. “You asked.” 

“Well— who else?” You picked the dummy back up and dusted the armor off. “Athena, maybe? I’m smart.” 

“Not smart enough to not be out past curfew with me,” he said. 

“You suggested this,” you scoffed. “And I definitely needed it. If we get caught, I’m blaming you.” 

“And why do you think that would work?” he asked, amused. 

“You’re the camp’s golden boy,” you said. “I doubt you’d get in much trouble.” 

“Sure, sure,” he said, nodding. “Or you just think I’m good enough to talk my way out of it.” 

You tilted your head. “That too.”

“I never thought Ares before,” Luke chuckled, “but after all this, I think you might have it in you.” 

“God, I hope not. Priya hates me.” 

“She doesn’t hate you,” Luke said. “She just tried to kill you that one time.” 

“And that other time during capture the flag,” you said. “She’s out for blood, Luke.” 

He chuckled and shook his head. “She always is. She’s probably already moved onto her next victim.” 

“I hope so.” 

“Maybe Aphrodite?” he suggested. “You’re awfully pretty.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“It’s not flattery if it’s true,” Luke corrected. 

You huffed a laugh but couldn’t help the slightest smile as you shook your head. “It’s not Tyche, at least. I have the worst luck.” 

“Maybe you’re a Big Three kid,” he said. “How do you feel about the sky?” 

“I like it,” you said. 

“The ocean?” 

“Not so much.” 

“And the darkness?” 

You huffed a dry laugh. “I’m not a Big Three kid, Luke. Even I know that.” 

“No, you don’t,” he said. “You can never know for sure until you’re claimed.” 

“If I was, I would be the biggest disappointment,” you said, looking at your reflection in your dagger. “Breaking their pact for a kid that can barely fight.” 

“Why do you always do that?” 

Luke’s voice had lost the joking edge from before, and when you glanced over at him, he was frowning.

“Do what?” 

“You always put yourself down,” he said. “You don’t even give yourself a chance to believe that you’ll be great, or that you’ll succeed—you’re just a coward, or a failure, or worthless at the first bump in the road.” 

“Luke—” 

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I need you to understand that you are so, so much more than whatever that shitty voice in your head says.”

You went silent. Any words you could have even said stuck in your throat. 

“This is not an easy life,” Luke asserted. “We’re thrown into an ocean before we know how to swim, and we have to find the shore all on our own or die trying. We—” he laughed, but there was no heart in it— “we’ve got our parents above us that could guide us, could save us, but most of the time they refuse to even acknowledge us. And we’ve got every single goddamn obstacle in the way trying to kill us.”

He inclined his head towards you. “But in spite of all that, you’re alive. You’re still here. You’re pushing through everything in your path, and you are still fucking here. Do you get that?”

“…I’m still here,” you repeated, and your hands clenched into fists. It had never felt more right to have your dagger in your hand. 

Luke nodded resolutely. “And you’ve got a couple lifeboats to help along the way.”

“You mean it?” Your voice came out softer than you thought, in stark contrast to the stiffness of your bones, but you felt like a kid all over again. 

“With all my heart,” he promised. “For as long as you’re here, I’ll be here.” 

Your throat tightened, and the telltale beginnings of tears pricked behind your eyes. This time, when you spoke, your voice was little more than a whisper. “Thank you.”

“Always,” he said. “And I mean that.”

You nodded, maybe a few too many times, and cleared your throat as you looked back at your dagger. “It’s late. We should get back before we actually get in trouble.”

Luke nodded too, and he helped you move the dummy back into place. You hated how your heart jumped into your throat when your hands brushed for the barest moment, but thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice. 

“Thank you for this.” You played with your hands as Luke finished putting everything else away—extra insurance to make sure no one knew you were here—and only managed to make eye contact just as he looked at you. “It… it really helped.” More than he knew, you were sure. 

Luke smiled, and he offered you his arm. “Always.”

You took it, ignoring the heat in your cheeks. “Just… don’t tell anyone about the crying.”

He chuckled as you started walking together. “After the way you’ve been handling that dagger? I’d be a fool.“

-

“Luke,” you groaned, “this is awful.” 

“You were the one who said you wanted to spend time with me,” he said, giving you a crooked smile. “Spending time with me after the worst cabin inspection ever means cleaning the place head to toe for our next one.” 

“Is skipping dinner really worth it though?” you asked as you scooped up a pile of dirty clothes and tossed it into the basket between you two. 

“It’s the only time this place is completely empty,” he said. “I told you I could handle it alone—you’re the one that insisted on helping.” 

“Maybe I do want to be a Big Three kid,” you grumbled. “At least I’d only be cleaning up my own mess.” 

“You’d also have the wrath of the gods and every monster in the world to deal with,” he said. 

You shook your head. “A small price to pay for a clean cabin.” 

“And then you wouldn’t get to see me when you wake up every day,” he mused. “A much bigger price to pay.” 

You huffed as you dropped to your knees, reaching under a bed to grab a stray camp tee. “Keep talking, pretty boy. It won’t clean the floors.” 

Luke grinned. “You think I’m pretty?” 

“I think you’ve got the messiest cabin in the world,” you said. “We’ve gotten the lowest rating every day for the past two weeks. I’ve been here for seven months now, and I don’t think we’ve ever gotten a full five.” 

“Which is why you’re helping me!” he said. “Because you’re as sick of scrubbing the pegasi stables as I am.” 

“You’re the counselor here!” you exclaimed. “You’ve gotta whip your siblings into shape.” 

Luke gestured at you. “You’re basically my co-counselor. It’s just as much your responsibility.” 

“And just what makes you think that?” you marveled. 

“You’re the person in the cabin I like the most,” he said, “and we spend a lot of time together. That’s enough to make you my partner.” 

“My stuff is always clean,” you said. “It’s you and the rest of the Hermes kids that’ve gotten us stuck in the stables and the kitchens every afternoon. Not me.”

You started remaking the unmade bed—would it kill any of the Hermes kids to make theirs right after they got up?—and shook your head. “It’s just not fair. Aphrodite’s cabin is basically Barbie’s Dreamhouse, and Demeter kids can grow plants to make it all pretty. We’ve just got a cabin of slobs.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, but when you glanced at him, you saw he was smiling. “It’ll all be fine.” 

“You always say that.” You got the fitted sheet into all the corners then looked at him full-on. “Even when it’s not about something as stupid as laundry. How do you know?” 

Luke shrugged as he nudged a ladder to a top bunk back into place. “I don’t. I just hope for the best.” 

“How do you do that?” you asked. “How does anyone here do that? I feel like I’m the most pessimistic person here.” 

“Every single one of us is an anomaly,” Luke said. “Freaks of nature. By all accounts of logic, we shouldn’t exist. But we do. All of mythology does. And when we have to literally fight for our lives for every single day, it doesn’t do much good to sweat the small stuff.”

“All I do is sweat the small stuff,” you grumbled, and you stretched your back out before you continued. “D’you think they’ll get annoyed that we just pooled all their laundry together again?” 

“Nah,” Luke said. “If they didn’t want to have to pick all their stuff out after we so graciously do the laundry for them, they would keep their things clean in the first place.” 

You chuckled and shook your head as you finished laying out the sorry excuse for a comforter—it would end up on the floor five seconds into the night, but Sisyphus and the boulder and all that—and sat down on the fruits of your labor. “I think this mess is the one thing I won’t miss when I get claimed.” 

“You’re not as down about that as you used to be,” Luke noted.

“You know how they say a watched pot never boils?” 

He actually laughed at that as he leaned against a bed post. “If you don’t care, you’ll get claimed faster?” 

You shrugged. “Nothing else has worked. And like you said—don’t sweat the small stuff, right?” 

“Like you said— all you do is sweat the small stuff.” 

“Maybe I’m gonna try and turn over a new leaf,” you mused.

“I think that would be good for you,” he said. “You’ve been happier lately. It’s good to see you happy.” 

“You’ve been watching?” you asked wryly. 

Luke smiled. “You know I always am.” 

You ignored the warmth stirring in your chest as you shrugged. “I’ve spent way too much time this year being sad over things I can’t control. Might as well start focusing on the things I can.” 

“And to think,” he mused, “this is the same girl that wanted nothing to do with me when we first talked.” 

“Oh, please,” you said dryly, “I’ve always wanted something to do with you.” 

“And you still understand that flattery gets you everywhere,” Luke said with a grin. He pushed himself up and held out his hand. “C’mon—this place is clean enough. I think if we run, we can still make dinner.” 

“Think we’ll get in trouble for partially skipping?” you asked as you stood up and took his hand, swinging your intertwined hands a bit as you walked together. 

Luke chuckled as he pushed the door open and you walked out. “After the work we did here? We should be hailed as saints.”  

-

“Luke,” you whispered. 

His eyes shot wide open as he jolted up, and you had to stifle your laugh at his bewildered expression before he realized it was you. 

He said your name groggily, rubbing his eyes as he kept himself propped up with his other arm. “What d’you need?” 

“The stars,” you said. “They’re beautiful tonight.” 

“So are you,” he mumbled. “You don’t see me waking you up in the middle of the night to tell you that.” 

“Luke,” you said, but you couldn’t help your smile. “On topic.” 

“The stars,” he said, barely nodding in his addled state. “Good for them. I’m going back to sleep now.” 

“No, Luke—” you laughed softly and took his hand. “Come stargazing with me.” 

He closed his eyes, but he didn’t take his hand away. “You’re insane.” 

“Please,” you said. “I could never see the stars at home, not like this. They’re brighter than I’ve ever seen.” 

“It’s so late,” he complained. “Can we do it in the morning?” 

“Do you know what stargazing is?” you asked, amused. 

“Hey, lovebirds.” The annoyed, tired voice of a camper rang out as they hit the wall. “Take it outside so we can sleep.” 

Again, you had to bite back a laugh. Luke looked like he was holding back a groan, but he got up anyway, rubbing the grogginess out of his eyes. You moved to the door as quietly as possible, and you waited until he joined you on the small porch. 

“Thank you,” you said, hearing the door close, “and sorry.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Luke covered up his yawn as he held a jacket out for you. “Put this on. I’m not gonna be responsible for you getting a cold because you want to stargaze in February.” 

Your eyebrows rose as you took it. “Is this yours?” 

“Don’t think too much into it,” he said, but he had the slightest smile on his lips. “You wanna see the stars, right? Let’s see ‘em.” 

“Not here,” you said, shaking your head as you zipped up the maroon hoodie. You held out your hand once you finished. “Do you trust me?” 

“Oh, gods,” he muttered, running a hand through his messy hair. “We’re doing a trust exercise too?” 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” you remarked. You took his hand and started dragging him along, a clear spot in mind. 

“You’re kidding me,” he said in exasperation. “I thought we were just gonna look at the sky for a couple minutes— you’re taking me to a second destination?”  

“Hey,” you said, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” 

“Oh, I can’t wait to use that on the harpies when they catch us and eat us,” Luke said offhandedly. “‘I’m sorry, ma’am—we’re really trying not to sweat the small stuff.’” 

You laughed as you continued on your way, and out of the corner of your eye you could see Luke smiling too, despite himself. Suddenly, though, his grip tightened on your hand and he pulled you behind one of the thicker columns of the pavilion. 

“Wh—” 

He shook his head then gestured with it to the other side of the pavilion. One of the harpies—Aello, if you remembered correctly from Chris’s rant the past week about cleaning dishes—was walking past, muttering things to herself. 

“Speak of the devil,” you marveled. You definitely weren’t a child of Tyche. 

Luke gave you a look that quite clearly said be quiet, and for some reason that only made you want to laugh more. He must have seen that glint in your eye that he’d grown used to, because he placed his hand over your mouth right before the dam was about to burst. 

You squeezed his hand tight as you tried to keep yourself from blowing your cover while Luke occupied himself with actually watching to make sure your path would clear. You were pressed right up against each other, and even through the jacket, even in the cold, you could feel his body warmth. He did say he ran hot.

Eventually, Luke let out a labored sigh and let his hand drop, and you wheezed, nearly doubling over. 

“There is something wrong with you,” he said. He was barely able to hold back his own amusement.  

“Oh my god,” you breathed, “that was awful.” 

“That was your fault!” he exclaimed. 

“How was it my fault?” you argued. “You’re the counselor here—you’re meant to be the responsible one!” 

“I was being responsible!” Luke laughed again as he ran his hand through his hair then used it to gesture at you. “You were the one that nearly got us caught—you were the one who wanted to be out here in the first place!”

 “Right,” you said, pointing your finger, “we gotta get to the beach.” 

“Stargazing on the beach,” Luke marveled. “Definitely worth nearly getting eaten.” 

“Oh, shut up,” you said as you continued to pull him along. “You could’ve said no.” 

He squeezed your hand for a moment. “We both know I can never say no to you.” 

Once you got to the beach you let go of his hand and laid down, taking care not to get sand in your sneakers. Luke sat down next to you but stayed up, watching the tide go in and out. 

At night, without a hundred campers running around making all the noise they can, you actually felt like you could breathe. 

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” It almost felt wrong to break the sacred silence, to insert yourself in the ambiance of nature working together in all its glory. 

“Yeah.” Luke’s voice was softer than usual, that rough edge you’d grown used to absent in the face of calmer seas. “Yeah. It’s…” 

“Serene,” you suggested. 

“Beautiful,” he said. When you glanced at him, he was already looking at you. 

“Very smooth,” you said wryly. “Now stop flirting and look at the stars.” 

Luke chuckled lightly as he let himself fall back. His hand bumped yours as he adjusted his position, and your breath caught in your throat for the barest moment. You moved it away. 

The two of you laid there together in silence gazing at the stars for what felt like forever. The gentle waves coming to shore then leaving, the scattering of sand from quiet winds, and not a single angry car horn or police siren. 

You missed home, the city. You were headstrong in your belief that Detroit was better than New York. But gods—sometimes, you just couldn’t beat camp. 

You didn’t know what possessed you to break the silence. But something had been tugging at you since the moment you laid down on the beach, and so you did. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” 

Luke didn’t miss a beat. “Always.” 

“I…” you trailed off for a moment, but you bolstered yourself. “I’m scared of what comes next.” 

You heard Luke shift in the sand and felt his eyes on you. “What do you mean?” 

“After this,” you said. “The honeymoon phase of being a demigod.” 

He huffed a laugh. “I wouldn’t say we have a honeymoon phase.” 

“You know what I mean.” A shiver went down your spine and you put your arms on your chest. Like a coffin. “I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.” 

“I think you need to stop getting up in the middle of the night,” he said. “It seems you have all your existential crises then.” 

You exhaled out your nose, a sorry excuse for a laugh. “I’ve heard about quests—how they can happen for no reason except a god’s will, to— to prove that you’re worthy. And all I can think about is that my mother will never claim me until I prove I’m worthy or die trying.” 

Luke was silent. You could feel your throat closing up, the threatened onslaught of tears. You blinked them back. 

“All my life, I have never felt seen,” you murmured. “And I’m terrified that the only way I will be seen is when I die.”

“Look at me.” 

You turned your head—Luke’s eyes were piercing in the moonlight. 

“I don’t care what anyone says, especially that voice in your head—you’re worth everything and more,” he said. “And you are worth so much more than becoming a martyr for a god’s approval.” 

“I wish you could tell my mom that,” you mumbled. 

“I would march right up to Olympus and say it to her face,” he said. “And if it bothers her that much, she can smite me right now.” 

That got a breathy laugh out of you from the pure absurdity. Luke’s eyes flicked to the sky as he waited, and when he didn’t instantly die a horrific death, his gaze went back to you. 

“I see you,” Luke promised, his voice low. “And I’ll make everyone see you the way I do. I swear it.” 

You were starstruck. You couldn’t look away from him, from the determination etched into each detail of his face, the softness in his eyes directed wholly at you—the fact that he was here at all in the first place at an unholy hour just because you asked. 

Oh gods. You were in trouble. 

“It’s late.” You finally managed to break the spell that held you under. “We should go.” 

“Yeah.” Luke made no motion to move, still focused wholly on you. 

“Luke,” you whispered. 

You could have sworn his eyes moved down to your lips, but he was sitting up so quickly that you knew you must have imagined it. You cleared your throat as you followed suit, brushing the sand off your—his— jacket. 

“This was nice,” he said after a moment. “...Thanks for waking me up.” 

“Of course,” you said. “There’s… there’s no one else I would’ve wanted to share it with.” 

Luke smiled, and you didn’t think he’d ever looked more beautiful than he did now, awash in the silver moonlight. If you were braver, you would have taken his hand again. You would’ve done what the voice in your head desperately wanted to do—had wanted to do for the past two months.  

But you didn’t. 

“I guess it was worth nearly getting eaten, huh?”

“Yeah,” he said, and he shrugged. “But most things are worth it when it comes to you.” 

You nearly melted right there, and it was a credit to your strength that you didn’t say anything horrifically stupid. Instead, you put on a smile, hoped he couldn’t see how much he was killing you, and started back up on the path. 

“C’mon,” you said. “Before we end up having to clean the entire camp for breaking curfew.” 

“Whatever you say,” he mused. 

-

You groaned as you slumped into your usual spot at the Hermes table. You heard Luke laugh, and you felt his eyes on you as you put your head in your arms.

“What’s got you so down?”

“I’ve been fifteen for three days and I already feel like an old woman,” you said. “Everything still hurts.”

“Capture the flag was meant to be a birthday gift,” Luke said wryly. “And we did win.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” you grumbled. “I swear, some people went after me on purpose just because it was my birthday. I’ve got bruises all over.”

“You know, we have an infirmary for a reason.” 

“They’re battle wounds,” you said. You picked up your head just to take your goblet. “Lemonade. Actually, pink lemonade.” You took a sip, but even that didn’t make you feel better. You buried your head back in your arms with a rough sigh. “Signs of our victory.”

Luke huffed a laugh. “Sometimes I really don’t…”

He trailed off suddenly, and you heard a collective gasp go up at the table.

“What?” you asked halfheartedly. 

“You— you’re—” 

You didn’t know why he couldn’t finish his sentence. You picked your head up to see Luke’s face awash in golden light, his eyes wide. Everyone else at the Hermes cabin was just as awestruck, and Marisol fumbled around in her purse until she pulled out her compact. She opened her foundation, the mirror pointing at you, and you realized why.

A glowing, golden, translucent sickle with a few sheaths of wheat floated above your head. You frowned.

Before you had the chance to say anything, Luke was yelling your name and tackling you in a hug. You let out a grunt of surprise as you barely managed to brace yourself, and when he pulled away he was smiling wider than you’d ever seen.

“You’re claimed!” he exclaimed, his hands gripping your shoulders. “You— you’re finally claimed!”

“Demeter,” you said, almost absentmindedly. It still hadn’t quite hit you. 

“Demeter,” he repeated, nodding rapidly, that gigantic smile seeming like a permanent feature at this point. “I told you everyone would see you— I told you we would make them see you the way I do!”

The rest of the table was chattering away, and you could feel Chris patting you on the back and saying words that went in one ear and out the other. The rest of the pavilion was starting to catch word, and you could see a couple kids from a table on the opposite end standing up and craning to see. Maybe your new siblings. 

(You should be happy.)

Your new siblings. 

…Your new cabin.

You could still barely think, like there was static in your brain. Luke’s hands on your shoulders were the only thing grounding you. 

(You should be ecstatic.)

A year of tears, silent prayers, and apathetic resolution had finally come to a close, just days after your fifteenth. 

(Why are you not smiling?)

You’d been claimed. But you didn’t think you’d ever felt more lost. 

[static-symphony-fm]

you are in love (true love)

now playing: you are in love (taylor's version)

pairing: magnus chase x fem! reader

word count: 1.9k

summary: 5 people who knew magnus was in love with you before you did + 1 sword

an: FIRST FANFIC LETS FUCKING GOOOOO this took so long to write! I love how I accidentally made it blue themed even though that's magnus's least favorite colour 😭 its ok we all know he's canonically a 1989 girly

fun fact i actually took the first picture! i shit you not I was on a road trip with my family READING MAGNUS CHASE and I look up and see THAT SIGN and i SCRAMBLED to take a picture

content/ warnings: 5+1 things, background blitzstone bcs c'mon they're basically canon, shitty writing, kissing ooo spooky, magnus being a simp, there actually isn't a whole lot of reader in this x reader fic, minor allusions to sex stuff, a lot of swearing, weird use of perspective, i was trying to go for third person limited but magnus is the one it's limited to not reader? but reader is referred to using second person? sorry if it's confusing.

1. samirah al-abbas

  if someone had told magnus a year ago that in a couple month’s time, meeting for coffee weekly with one of his best friends and not getting kicked out of the overpriced coffee shop was going to be the most normal thing in his life, he wouldn’t have believed them. probably would have flipped them off, too, and stole their wallet as he walked away. but he’d like to think that he was a changed man, seeing as he was, in fact, in a hipster café in boston, trying not to make fun of all the fancy menu options. like, seriously? who orders a dragon fruit, pomegranate, and kale smoothie?

he realized he’d been thinking for too long and returned his attention to samirah, sitting across from him and discussing wedding plans for her upcoming marriage to amir as she sipped her latte. he noticed the way her eyes seemed to get brighter, and her entire body language conveyed how excited she was as she talked about him. magnus had a fleeting thought about how good it must feel to love someone so unconditionally like that, and have them love you back just as much. 

as if reading his mind, samirah finished her sentence and studied him, tilting her head as she seemed lost in thought, peering at him like he was a calculus problem she couldn’t quite figure out. 

after a few seconds, magnus broke the silence. 

“alright, it’s getting weird. why’re you looking at me like that?”

samirah snapped out of it, focusing on what he was saying.

“nothing, just… do you think you’ll ever get married?”

jeez, that was a loaded question. magnus narrowly avoided choking on his black coffee, swallowing and burning his throat before answering.

 “sam, i’m dead.”

“so? people get married in valhalla all the time. i have been to a very disproportionate amount of weddings in the two years i worked there.”

“yeah? how many of those end in divorce?”

samirah took a long drink of her coffee, swallowing it slowly as she responded.

“forever is a very long time, and no relationship is perfect, but wouldn’t it be better to have someone to spend that time with?”

“…i guess.” magnus accepted, lost in thought. truthfully, samirah was right, like always. if circumstances were different, if he hadn’t died at sixteen, he could imagine himself getting married. settling down. living in a cabin in the forest with two kids. 

a thought came into his mind, entirely of its own accord, of doing all of that with you. your laugh, your soft hair, the way your lips curled up and your eyes widened when you smile. you’d probably be a great mom.

whoa, what the hell? he should definitely not be thinking about getting married to his friend, what the fuck? that is not normal. 

he pushed the weird thought out of his mind as best he could, gulping his coffee and focusing on the burning in his throat and not what he was just thinking. samirah had gone back to talking about amir, and magnus was not going to think about marrying you any longer.

2. alex fierro

after nearly getting his head cut off by alex’s garrote for the third time that day, magnus needed a break. alex had decided that magnus needed to learn to fight without the help of jack, and it wasn't going too well for him. he collapsed on the bench next to alex, chugging half a bottle of water before even taking a breath. alex rolled her eyes. 

“it’s not that hard, you just aren’t fast enough.”

magnus managed to control himself and not say a snarky comment back, but it was a close call. instead, he ignored her, staring straight ahead and not engaging. unfortunately, you were in his direct line of sight, sparring with mallory only a few metres away. alex picked up on this quickly, nudging his side. 

“you like watching y/n fight, huh?” she teased, smirking. damn, why did she have to be so perceptive?

“what? no. shut up.” magnus replied quickly, trying to hide his blush. “i mean… she’s a good fighter. not like i like her or anything like that.” 

“mhm. suuuure you don’t.” alex replied, definitely not believing him. fuck.

“i’m telling the truth!” magnus protested. god, how was arguing with alex harder than physically fighting her? 

“yeah. did you see her necklace today? pretty, right?”

“she’s not even wearing a neck- fuck.” magnus said instantly, before catching himself. 

“go to hell.”  he swore, glaring at alex, who was grinning at him in a way that reminded him a little too much of her mother. 

“you first.”

      3 + 4. blitzen & hearthstone

“magnus? magnus?”

a pale hand reached in front of magnus face, waving and then snapping its fingers, bringing him back to reality. he blinked and looked around at hearth and blitz, sitting across from him in the dining room of the chase space. hearth took his hand back to sign finally, raising his eyebrows sarcastically.

“your head’s way up in the clouds, kid.” blitz remarked, drumming his short, well manicured fingernails on the table, his silver engagement ring glinting.  he was right. magnus definitely was pretty out of it lately. 

probably thinking about y/n, hearth signed. jeez, why did every conversation he had have to be about you? and no, he most certainly was not thinking about you and your pretty eyes and your delicate hands and the way your ass looked in those jeans you were wearing yesterday… jesus fucking christ, he needed to stop.

 he buried his face in his hands and groaned loudly, then raised his head back up so hearth could read his lips, hoping that his blush wasn’t as visible as it felt. 

“i am not thinking about her.” he lied through his teeth. 

“there’s nothing wrong with having a crush, you know.”

ugh, why did they have to act so much like his dads? 

“i don’t have a crush!”

“kid, you’re a terrible liar. everyone can see the way you stare at that girl. now remember, if you’re doing anything intimate, you gotta use protection…”

that’s it. magnus couldn’t stand up from the table fast enough

 “nope! this conversation is ending right now. good talk!”

5. annabeth chase

magnus and annabeth had been walking around new york for the past three hours, trying to make up for the ten years spent apart.  annabeth had shown him her favorite library, and pointed out a bunch of cool architecture in nearby buildings, with a promise to show him and his friends camp half-blood in the summer.

 they were currently taking a break, stopping for lunch at a falafel place that wasn’t quite as good as fadlan’s, but it was still falafel. magnus was enjoying listening to annabeth talk about her architecture projects– she was taking online classes to prepare for the higher level of new rome university’s program. 

magnus loved listening to her talk about things he didn’t understand. as a child he’d always thought she was a genius, the way she always solved puzzles and math problems easily. ten years later, that theory still held up, hearing her go on about a bunch of terms he didn’t understand.

“sorry, i’m probably boring you to tears. you wanna talk about something else?”

annabeth offered.

“no, it’s fine… i really don’t have a lot going on.” magnus replied, smiling politely.

“come on. there’s gotta be something interesting.” an idea seemed to come to annabeth.

“you have a crush on anybody?”

magnus swallowed. 

“no.”

but he was too slow. those steel gray eyes that matched his own were locked on him like a hawk, or maybe an owl. 

“yes, you do. come on. spill!”

magnus stayed silent. he was not telling his cousin about his crushes, but those metallic eyes stayed locked on him. he eventually gave up. annabeth could be scary when she wanted to be.

“fine. fine. her name’s y/n…”

+1. jack

 it was movie night at the chase space. was magnus ever gonna stop calling it that? no. it was cool. shut up. the credits were rolling on some disney movie that alex had insisted on, and everyone else was slowly but surely making their way to their rooms, yawning as they said their good nights. you had been sitting next to magnus on the couch the whole time, and suffice it to say that he had had some trouble concentrating on the film.  

it was just you and him, you in your nirvana t-shirt and gray sweat shorts, and in that moment, he decided to tell you.

 you got up to leave, waving at him, and in a feat of bravery so incredible it would be studied by historians for centuries to come, magnus managed to work up the nerve to speak up. 

“hey, uh, can i talk to you for a sec?”

“sure? what’s up?” you asked as you sat back down.

jesus, what had he gotten himself into? it’s ok, magnus, you got this. you beat loki in a flyting. you can talk to a pretty girl. 

“uh, i was just thinking… i just…” off to a great start, aren’t we? fuck off, voice in his head. he can do this. he took a deep breath.

“i really like you. you're gorgeous and funny and so insanely smart. i’m an atheist but i’m praying to god you feel the same way. will you be my girlfriend?”

you bit your lip, breaking eye contact as you looked off into the distance. fuck. you were gonna say no and then he was never gonna be able to talk to you again and he was gonna have to change his name and move to canada…

“can i kiss you?” 

what.

there were a million things magnus expected you to say, but that was none of them. he managed to stutter out a simple “please…” and then you leaned forward and your lips were on his and magnus chase died.

this felt more like the end of his life than being knocked off a burning bridge and drowning did. his heart was beating a million times a second, and he seemed to have forgotten how breathing worked. your lips were softer than anything he’d ever felt before.

 he managed to reciprocate a little, mostly acting on instinct, and all he could think about was how astronomically better this was than jackie molotov in the seventh grade.

what was he supposed to do with his hands? he was pretty sure that keeping them at his side was the wrong answer, so he moved one to your waist and the other one to the back of your neck, tangling it gently in your soft hair as his lips moved against yours.

gods, he could have stayed like that until ragnarök, but his stupid sword had to ruin the moment. jack started buzzing on his neck sleepily, seeming to have been woken up ungraciously. he hoped that you couldn’t feel it, but that was pretty unlikely, considering how close you were to him. jeez, he was blushing more and more every time he thought about that. 

eventually, you pulled away, smiling a little. 

“good night, magnus.”

he nodded, unable to form words, and managed to stand up and walk back to his room, wide eyed, operating on autopilot. he walked into his room and immediately collapsed backwards onto the bed, staring at the ceiling without blinking, completely still. not a thought passed through his mind for at least ten minutes, till he finally was able to reach up and pull jack’s pendant off of his necklace.

“dude, what happened to blades before babes!?!”

[running-with-the-feels]

Obsessed w da subscorp hcs, please sir may I have some more 🙏🙏

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE alright lets go!

Hanzo fell first but Kuai Liang fell harder. Not to say that Kuai Liang love Hanzo more tho, more like he's a lot less normal about it.

Hanzo realized he was in love with Kuai Liang about a year or so into their alliance and felt very guilty about it for two main reasons. 1) Harumi, though he knows that she wouldn't hold it against him it still feels a like he's betraying her, especially bc Kuai Liang is Lin Kuei and 2) Bi-Han. It feels cruel to love Kuai Liang when he robbed him of his brother and Hanzo doesn't know how to deal with it.

He makes his peace with that eventually, mostly he comes to terms with his feelings after Quan Chi is dead and both Harumi and Bi-Han have been avenged (which would be about four years of angsty pining) and then just hides them bc he doesn't want to put pressure on Kuai Liang, he doesn't want Kuai Liang to feel obligated or like he has to reciprocate and he's also afraid that Kuai Liang will hate him for it (bc Bi-Han) and that he'll lose his best friend.

Kuai Liang on the other hand has absolutely No Idea that he is in love with Hanzo for the longest time. Like, it is obvious to everybody else, and he knows that he feels Something, but he just thinks its friendship (bc he's experienced so little of that in his life)

There's nothing serious that sparks the realization for him it just sort of happens one day and Kuai Liang kinda shuts down from shock.

He tries to hide his feelings too, bc he knows that Hanzo is still grieving his wife and doesn't want to hurt him by acting like he can replace her (which neither of them would do but yknow, he worries) but Kuai Liang is not as good at being subtle about his emotions as Hanzo is so pretty much everybody but Hanzo can tell

It all comes to a head when Hanzo almost dies and Kuai Liang just refuses to let that happen. Like, Hanzo is bleeding out as they're trapped and Kuai Liang fights their way out like a god of war (which Hanzo thinks is hot) and then, as soon as they are safe, Kuai Liang is kissing the daylights out of him in relief

Johnny Cage runs a betting pool on when they are going to get together and Kung Jin wins thanks to help from Takeda.

Hanzo is incredibly protective of Kuai Liang even though he knows full well that the cryomancer can protect himself, he simply refuses to risk it so whenever Kuai Liang is in danger, Hanzo is there with him, taking hits to protect him.

They do fight about that sometimes, bc both are worried about losing the other and neither is willing to compromise.

Kuai Liang is incredibly possessive, not in a "You are my property" kind of way but in a "I need people to know that you are spoken for and that we belong to each other" Kind of way, so he tends to leave a lot of hickeys on Hanzo whenever he gets the chance

Hanzo is Fully on board with that plan and will sometimes, when not wearing armor, wear clothes that show off as many of the hickeys as possible. He also tries to make the hickeys last longer by pressing down on them with his fingers, which doesn't really work but he tries

whenever Kuai Liang sees him do that he drags him off to a darkened corner to leave more hickeys

Both of them have nightmares and even before they get together are the only people who can calm each other down afterwards.

Hanzo once had a nightmare of Quan Chi coming back from the dead and killing Kuai Liang and teleported over to the Lin Kuei temple (directly into Kuai Liang's bedroom) in a panic to check that he was still alive. Kuai Laing woke up and stayed up the rest of the night talking to him and calming him down

That led to their habit of sleeping in the same bed to ward off the nightmares, which is the only remedy they have found that works.

Frost gives Hanzo a truly terrifying shovel talk after he and Kuai Liang get together, and while he used to think she was arrogant and rude (not that he'd tell Kuai Liang that) he now counts her among the very small number of people he actually fears bc he knows that come hell or high water she will make good on that threat.

That's all I've got atm, but lemme know if you want more!

[justapixelthing]

Rant about how to make OOT Zelink work with TP Link being a Farmer

I had this rant stuck in my head at work so I have to get it out or I'll explode!

So child timeline: Malon has a thing for Link but Link has eyes for Zelda and kinda has to break Malon's heart. So what does he do? As Link trains to become a knight, he meets a guy (an OC I have yet to present) who seems perfect for her. So he sets the two up and they become a couple. Link works his way up the ranks and becomes a royal knight, eventually also getting a honorary noble title (those do indeed exist). And once Zelda is queen she can do whatever she wants and marries Link. Besides Link literally has the mark of the gods (triforce on his hand) in a religious Kingdom like Hyrule. I doubt he'd be just a simple peasant. Not to forget to mention the warning of impending doom.

So Link and Zelda have multiple children and so do Malon and OC.

One of Zelda and Link's children ends up falling with love with one of Malon and OC's children. The ZeLink child eventually decides it wants to leave the royal duties to the siblings and moves to the farm to be with Malon's child (giving up royal life is also a thing that happens sometimes IRL, most recent example being... the kinda messy one of Harry and Meghan). ZeLink child x Malon/OC child create the bloodline that leads to Twilight Princess Link being a farmer. There are definitely at least several generation between them. I've seen people mention that the 100 years between OoT and TP was a mistranslation and it's actually hundreds. Can't confirm for sure but makes more sense considering how vastly different Hyrule is.

So that means: TP Link is: A descendant of Link, Zelda and Malon. It's basically a second generation MaLink through their children. Sure it is a lot easier to go the Malon and Link end up together route, but as long as Nintendo never confirms MaLink, It's pretty valid to go another way with your headcanon. That does make TP Link and Zelda veeery distant cousins, but so distant to the point that they can't really be counted as related if you want to ship them. (If you don't want to ship TP Zelink, them being lost cousins is also a cute story.)

Also kinda fits in with the Hero's Shade armor. It looks like no other armor of any other knight. Maybe it was a royal armor? I do think the Shade acts more like an old mentor, than a young man, so I think he probably died in old age and got buried with his armor, or fell in battle when he was an old man and no longer as strong (bc let's be real hero of time + hidden skills? He must have been a beast in his prime time). If his children were a mix of royals and a farmer, no wonder he wouldn't have taught them his skills. Or they just didn't want to or weren't fit for it. And ofc Link would still lament not being remembered as hero. It's not about being any hero but the hero of time. No matter how many people knew about it, no one would be able to relate.

Long story short: Oot Zelink is possible with a few extra steps. BUT MaLink wouldn't be a bad couple and I see nothing bad in people who like them. I just forever prefer ZeLink over MaLink because to me the romantic implications are too strong. I feel like Nintendo originally wanted ZeLink to be the main focus (Miyamoto saying he sees Zelda as Links girlfriend) but accidentally made MaLink a strong possibility by making TP Link a farmer. But that's just my thought. The TP Manga does try to retcon this quite a bit.

Anyway, as long as nothing is put as canon, every ship and head canon is perfectly valid and this is mine. :D Pls don't fight over things like fictional character love interests. Adding a fictional story to a... fictional story is no crime. It being open for our interpretation creates a lot of diversity and I like that.

Sorry for the long rant! Edit: Or just have Malon Zelda and Link in a poly relationship :D

[buppypuppy]

✨🌼🎯❤️✂️🍀 for marinetta GO

YES! YOUVE ACTIVATED ME!

✨- How did you come up with the OC’s name?

Well. ORIGINALLY. She was just kind of me porting my fursona, whose name was Marnie [her name was marnie before mine was, i was like fuuck that's befitting of me and took it] and i was like well marnie wouldn't work with the setting let me fuck around. and it turned into marinetta. she is no longer like my old fursona in any way other than "She's a rabbit and marnie [fursona] was a rabbit"

🌼 - How old are they? (Or approximate age range)

That is a difficult question. because . she was dead for a couple of years. if you count those years she'd probably be like in her forties technically? but she's more like . in her early thirties. sorta.

🎯 -What do they do best?

Whatever the surgeon needs her to do really.... her whole Thing is that well she's found one person who can be a sense of stability in her life nd she will do anything to make sure that she seems useful enough to keep around. but. well. her job description means killing people pretty often and she's gotten really fuckin good at that.

❤️ - What is one of your OC’s best memories?

She doesn't really have many good ones, and her childhood was not easy for sure. but she does have memories of when she was very young, and her mother would play the hurdy gurdy for her. She still has her mother's hurdy gurdy, it's her only real Possession.

✂️ - What is one of your OC’s worst memories?

Losing her mother. She was the only person in her life for..... A Long Time. and it happened when she was pretty young too. it really kind of ruined her .

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC?

As I said earlier just wanting to port in my fursona but a lot of stuff contributed to what she is now. the idea of her weapons being made of her own blood was kind of a lady maria / chikage thing. Her weapons being sickles of crystals of a sort i stole from d*stiny 2 bc i liked one of the abilities but also i dont think about d*stiny at all anymore lol . them being on chains attached to her i got from kratos i think? also i just kind of wanted an excuse to have a tortured edgy character because like i didn't really get to be in a lot of the groups where something like, mary sue-y would be something i could Have and i have a lot of mental stuff relating to that. but nonetheless.

[ihavenocluedude]

The Visits - The first visit (2/?)

Eddie Munson x Fem!reader

Link to reading this on Ao3        Link to my main masterlist  

Link to The Visits masterlist

A/N - This is way longer than I first pictured it ever being, hence why it had taken some time. But here it is. Also it is official now that this is non-canon bc in no way am I putting the heartbreaking angst that the suffer brothers put us through in vol. 2 in this fic. 

Summary - The very first visit Eddie does to your college is just within the start of it all. Just a little over a month after he had helped you move in. Curious to see what you’d been up to and curious to see more of the new town than he had the last time. 

Word Count -6 760 

Fall, 1984

It didn’t sound like a good plan, like at all. But you didn’t argue against it. Eddie was insistent on driving over for the weekend. Several hours to be spent in his van just to see you. And you would obviously let him. You wanted to see him. But, you still felt guilty.

You’d graduated just earlier this year, with teary eyes and a sad smile forced on your lips. Because he wasn’t there next to you. You knew it wasn’t the end of the world that Eddie wouldn’t graduate with you. And it did feel silly to be teary-eyed for the ’wrong’ reasons on your graduation day, not out of joy but out of sadness. But it was meant to be different. That moment was supposed to be the moment.

The day the two of you could say you were free from Hawkins High and run like hell out of that cursed town. Freedom, together.

  Though you were going to college either way, so a loosely defined freedom.

  You’d playfully threatened Eddie that he’d have to visit. No matter what. At least one visit during your time at college. It wasn’t something that you felt was necessary. You knew it wasn’t something you absolutely needed to happen… But, you wanted him there. To feel like he was in that part of your life too.

  But this particular visit didn’t feel timely. It wouldn’t be a good time for him to visit. Even if he argued the opposite.

  It was the weekend before a test he’d been stressing about in several rants over the phone. He argued that he needed a visit for ’morale’, for you to ’give him strength’ as he himself put it. When you’d rather he stayed back in Hawkins to study and come over the next weekend to celebrate. But he wouldn’t listen.

  Or well… he listened but Eddie Munson is sometimes quite stubborn. And he seemed completely set on this. Besides… Eddie can convince you rather easily.

  ”So what do you want to do when you get here?” You asked, sat in your dorm room bed as your fingers fidgeted with the book you’d been reading before Eddie had called you. Playing with the pages, going to the very last page to see how many there were. But trying your hardest not to look at the words.

  ”Be with you, obviously.”

  ”Yeah, but do you want to go to like a party or something?”

  ”No,” His voice was almost whining as he protested the simple suggestion, ”just you and me.”

  ”That’s why you’re my best friend.”

  ”Because I don’t feel like going to a frat house and see people flirting with my best friend when I’m there to spend time with her?”

  ”We could probably find a party that’s not at a frat house… maybe? It feels like it would be hard now but we could try.” You argued back before adding ”Also, they don’t flirt with me.” with a groan, your roommate Randi looked over at you with furrowed brows and intense curiosity laced in every feature of her face. A shrug was offered in return for her look before you laid back in your bed to stare up at the ceiling.

  ”They do. Anyway, I just want to spend time with you. Show me around the place or something? That sounds like fun.”

  ”Eddie Munson wants a college tour? Oh my god. Do you really miss me that much?”

  ”I want to see how you’re living, it’s not that weird.”

  ”I guess. So you get here like late Friday, right?”

  ”Or I could get there a little earlier?” You immediately knew what he was insinuating with his smug suggestion and you knew that he was probably wearing that stupid grin that would've convinced you in less than a second if you saw it.... but you really didn't want him to skip school, you felt guilty enough as it was.

  ”And I would kick your butt for doing so? I’d rather avoid that, thank you very much. Get here late Friday, we’ll hang out and do the tour on Saturday and then you go back home on Sunday?” You chuckled, although hoping to get it across that it wasn’t entirely a joke, you would be mad if he skipped school now even after he’d been held back.

  It felt weird doing that. Trying to help him but not wanting to be pushy. Trying to encourage him without accidentally patronizing him. You just care about him. And, if he'd only graduate he could finally get out of Hawkins. Get to do what he actually wanted with his life. Or at least get the chance to figure out what that was without being stuck under the pressure of high school.

  He'd been doing pretty good so far. You knew that he could probably do better but he was doing good. And that was enough. It wasn't like there was some need for him to be the absolute best. He didn't need, and probably didn't want, to be the valedictorian.

  ”Eddie? I’ll see you Friday?” Once snapped out of your thoughts you noticed that Eddie had been quiet for a while.

  ”Yeah, good night, baby.” He responded sleepily before he hung up. Your eyes slightly widened at the term of endearment but felt yourself melt by the sound of it in his sleepy voice.

  ”Randi?” You looked over at her, already sitting cross-legged towards you with a curious smile on her lips. ”He called me baby.”

  ”You’re kidding?” Her jaw slacks before her lips quirked up into an even bigger grin than earlier. ”Has he done that before?”

  ”Well… no, not really? He’s called me other things. But not baby.” 

  ”Do- Do you think it means something?" She asked it cautiously, trying to act as if she wasn't overjoyed at the fact of hearing something like that. Trying to bite down on her smile as she kept her eyes on you, observing.

  Randy wasn’t the type of person who’d argue that people of the opposite sex couldn’t be best friends.

  However, as she had told you the day after she had first (and so far the only time) met Eddie when he had helped you move in; she was the type of person who’d argue that people of the opposite sex, that are both attracted to the opposite sex, and are best friends… would at least catch some sort of feelings for the other person at one point or another. Whether that was a small crush, a random wet dream, or a full-on love thing.

  Which meant a lot of questions and her asking you to tell her anything and everything. As if your life had become some romcom she needed to hear the whole story even if there wasn't any 'rom' in it so far. As if she could just sit there opposite of you on her bed with popcorn bowl in lap as you told her everything. You didn't really go against it though. Telling her everything, even the dumb shit like when you and Eddie had argued about an album over the phone.

  ”No, I don’t.” You shrugged and shook your head trying to do so as convincingly as you could. It wasn’t that you thought that meant anything. But whenever she’d bring up her theory… well you wouldn’t feel as sure that she was wrong.

  Eddie was… well Eddie.

  You’d adored him since forever. Just… not in that way. And every time her words wormed themselves into your brain you convinced yourself over and over again that it was just that. Words, about a situation she knew nothing about.

  But something had shifted since you’d moved. Call it having a clearer head or… just getting to see the relationship or him objectively but… something had shifted.

  ~~~

  You’d first told Eddie that you would wait by the parking lot, and walk together to the dorms. But because of his insistence and him telling you that he had no idea when he’d ’really’ be there… well, you just had to sit in your dorm room and wait.

  ”When do you think he’ll be here?”

  ”We both sort of guessed that he’d be here around nine-ish?” You shrugged as you sat on your bed, shoes laced and ready to go. Ready to run out and greet Eddie. Eyes focused on the open window as if the view or the currently quiet world would give you some sort of indication of when he’d get there. ”By the way… You need to promise me to not like… tell him about your theory or something, okay?”

  ”Why not?”

  ”Because then he’ll know that I’ve heard it. And… I don’t know. If he knows that you still believe that, he’ll probably think I agree with you or something.” You floundered, trying to find anything that’s logical to say in this situation.

  ”But you do agree with me, don’t you?”

  ”No! I don’t, Randi, okay?”

  ”You seemed to agree just the other day…” The grin on her face was wide and teasing, just one step away from wiggling her eyebrows at you and dancing with her shoulders cornily. ”Also, even if you don’t agree with me it doesn’t mean the theory itself is flawed. It just means it hasn't happened for you yet, huh ’baby’?”

  ”Oh my god.” The act of grabbing a pillow and groaning into it was something you thought was just reserved for situations with couch pillows when your parents said embarrassing things. Apparently, the act also went for when your friends were slightly annoying… And somewhat… correct.

  It wasn’t like you’d never heard about two best friends turning into boyfriend and girlfriend. It just… wasn’t all that common. Or you just didn’t have that big a social circle. Either way, the most ’occurring’ proof for that theory was usually high school sweethearts who broke up like one month into being at separate colleges. But yes the theory was somewhat proved by those people anyway.

  ”Could you just… not?” You pleaded, ”You’re only going to see him for like a few hours total, you can survive without telling him.”

  ”Fine.” She finally sighed, ”I guess I could survive not telling him about my mastermind theory, that he should get to know about.” Randi knew she exaggerated the whole idea but she couldn't help but to because of the way you reacted to it all.

  ”Randi–” You groaned almost pulling the pillow up to your face again to muffle it. And thankfully, to your own rescue from Randi, you then heard a loud swerving car outside. It felt ridiculous to see that as a typical Eddie stereotype but it so was. As if there weren't other speedy weird drivers out there. But... ”That- That could be him.” You chuckled, suddenly pulled from the slightly sourer behavior.

  ”So, go get him!”

  It was around 9:30, which was about the time that you’d expected him to get there. So… considering all of that, you rushed down as fast as possible. Pushing past the few students you saw. Got to the entrance and there he stood, already having been let in by someone. Although in the rush over to him you didn’t even think about whoever the fuck would be standing there in the entrance too.

  ”Eddie!” It was practically a scream as you called his name, jogging over and hugging him as soon as you got close enough.

  ”Hi.”

  ”Hi!” Your voice still in a chipper excited tone, ”Sorry, it just feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  ”We saw each other like a month ago, Sweetheart.” His voice almost always just breezes past that pet name, as if it’s really your name but softer.

  ”So?” You shrugged, parting from the hug just slightly so you both could still have an arm around each other, his around your shoulders and yours still hugging him tightly to your side. Your head slightly leaning against the arm around you. ”Time must go way faster in Hawkins if you think this month has been like nothing.”

  ”Is time moving slowly here? You bored?” He questioned the usual grin displayed on his face like almost always. Time usually does move quicker if you’re having fun… but that wasn’t how you’d meant it.

  ”No! I just… I don’t know. It didn’t feel like nothing to me.”

  ”I never said it felt like nothing to me.”

  ”Good.” You huffed out and bumped your hip into his side. You almost had to force your eyes to look away from Eddie, enjoying the sight of him way too much at the moment. So you looked to where you’d just come from and this time actually noticed whoever had let Eddie inside the dorm building. Tyler, fuck.

  Tyler isn’t really anyone. He was just in several of your courses to come and one that already had been. He isn’t a douchebag per se but he definitely isn’t the most polite person ever. He interrupted the lectures, but in a way he himself definitely thought was okay, trying to argue against the professor when they were just teaching. And he was even worse during seminars.

  And there he stood, leaned up against one of the walls and a smirk on his face.

  It wasn’t like he was leaned up against the wall to try and stay out of the way in any way. He wanted to be in the way. Wanted to know who Eddie was, obviously, but didn’t seem to have asked Eddie himself just yet. It felt pretty apparent that he’d waited on the person who’d come to ’pick him up’ so to speak. You just hoped he wouldn’t be as much of a jerk as you knew he could sometimes be.

  ”Tyler, hi!” It came out more lackluster than you were hoping for. You’d been hoping for the greeting to sound polite, somewhat chipper, and definitely not like you didn’t want to see him at this particular moment. Tried to hide the truth.

  ”Hi,” His voice was smug, eyes focused on you and practically ignoring Eddie completely, ”so, who is this fella?”

  ”Tyler, this is Eddie. Eddie, this is Tyler. We have a few classes together.”

  "Nice to meet you, man." He nodded towards Tyler before looking over at you with a slightly questioning look, "I don't think I've heard about a Tyler?"

  Eddie was, thankfully, bullshitting. He'd heard a lot about Tyler in rants about how annoying he was. But at that moment it really didn't matter whether Eddie had said that as to fuck with him or to protect your shit-talking, you were just happy he did.

  ”I don’t think I’ve heard about an Eddie?” Obviously fucking not. Why the hell would you give him the time of day to even hear a smidge more about you and your life than you had to.

  "Well I mean yeah, because we rarely talk Tyler." You felt like rolling your eyes and walking away but you tried to keep up the polite demeanor as best as you could. Although you knew that your tone had already turned a bit more sour. But from what you knew about Tyler, he did not read people well, especially girls.

  "We should change that."

  "Now that our introductions are over..." Eddie started talking before you'd had to say something in response to Tyler. "I'm tired, I want to go to sleep. Let's go, Sweetheart." His voice turned somewhat dramatically whiney and started to walk before Tyler could say anything else, leading you along with him.

  ”Thank you for doing that.” You mumbled in gratitude once Tyler was out of earshot.

  ”I really am tired. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.” Eddie’s voice just slightly teasing but the smug smile on his lips told you that he knew exactly how he’d saved you from that conversation continuing.

  ~

  Upon entering the dorm room Randi practically jumped up from the bed and rushed over. Seeing Randi’s excited and chipper demeanor next to Eddie’s tired and slightly confused by the enthusiasm demeanor almost made you laugh.

  ”Hi!”

  ”Hi.”

  ”Eddie, Randi. Randi, Eddie. You’ve met before.” You introduced them, still feeling as if you had to actively keep yourself from laughing.

  "Indeed we have, how you been doing roomie?" Eddie sounded amused, he shook her hand once and quickly before venturing over to your side of the dorm. Investigating what had changed within the little over a month's time since he'd helped you move everything in. "Jesus christ- these look boring, where's the music?" He'd scoffed once his eyes had caught sight of your bookshelf, full of course literature.

  Without even questioning his investigation or the way he'd started it before Randi could respond to his greeting, you walked over and opened the drawer that was at the bottom of the shelf. The tapes clinked against each other as you opened it, Eddie's eyes widened and his jaw dropped slightly at your collection. He had seen it before, if anything he knew it well... but considering the tapes now overtook the majority of the rather large bottom drawer in contrast to the smaller collection you'd had on one of the shelves when he helped you move in... you'd clearly expanded your collection. Not a drastic amount but definitely enough to be noticed.

  He'd organized the smaller collection when you'd first moved in. He'd argued how it was essential that they were in a certain order, whilst you'd argued it didn't matter as long as you found your favorites. But then he had sat down in front of the shelf and started loading them onto one of the shelves, in his order. And you felt as if you couldn't argue against it when you saw his tongue peek out a little upwards as he focused on that.

  You'd tried to keep up the organization when moving them all down into the drawer, just two weeks after you'd first moved in, the drawer where there definitely was more space. But you'd surrendered to your type of 'organization', meaning keeping your favorites most easily accessible.

  "There's a really good store just some blocks away, okay?" You'd raised your eyebrows as if arguing that the expansion of your collection was clearly logical, but chuckled too. Knowing that you'd maybe gone a little overboard. Eddie's widened eyes were still on you but his lips turned into a big grin. "We can go there tomorrow."

  ”Good.” Eddie nodded before walking away from the shelf.

  You'd loaned a cheap air mattress for Eddie's visit, someone down the hall having one for some reason. You knew it wouldn't be all that comfortable but... well, whilst you and Eddie had slept in the same bed a couple of times... you didn't want Randi to be uncomfortable... That was obviously the reason why.

  You’d laid it out earlier and tried to pump it up yourself but Randi was the one who figured it out thankfully. Then you’d made up the bed. ”Ah, my humble abode.” Eddie said as he carefully sat down on the air mattress and pulled off his shoes and the jean vest and leather jacket duo.

  ”Thanks for not jumping onto it.”

  ”I would never.” Eddie argued back dramatically, acting wounded as if your accusation was completely unbased. Although you know how Eddie could practically be attacking a bed by how he’d usually ’lay’ down on them.

  ”Yes, you would.”

  ”You guys are so cute.”

  ”Randi.” You groaned at her comment, throwing the pillow you’d placed on Eddie’s air mattress at her.  Which made Eddie yelp out a ’hey!’ although he wasn’t near it yet. Obviously just disgruntled at the fact that ’his’ pillow had been thrown. ” Let's just go to bed. I’m tired.” Your voice had muttered the words and almost yawned at the end as you started to get ready for bed. None of you talked during that process of changing clothes and getting ready for bed until a yawned ’good night’ emerged out of you, the two others returning a way more awake ’good night’ back.

  But just minutes after you'd heard Eddie ask you a question, although not hearing the actual question.”Hm?”

  ”You sleeping?”

  ”I was just about to, why?”

  ”Which new tape is your favorite?” It was a silly question, one that could totally wait until morning. One that didn’t need to be asked or answered at this exact moment… but, you wanted to. So Eddie had successfully hooked you into a conversation that lasted at least another hour.

  During the conversation he'd moved the air mattress closer to you, and said something about how he obviously didn't want to wake Randi up. So there he was, quite closely next to you, though there was some distance because of the height difference between your bed and his thin air mattress. But still way closer than you'd initially placed the mattress and him clearly showing how close he wanted to be.

  You whispered back and forth; about the tapes, the store where you'd gotten them, and thanked him again for covering for you in front of Tyler. But when you yawned for what felt like the thousandth time he 'relented'.

  ”We should sleep.”

  ”No, ’m not-” yawn, ”- sleepy, ’m fine.” You grumbled, struggling to keep your eyes open enough to even see Eddie who probably looked way more awake.

  ”You’re almost falling asleep while you’re talking, Sweetheart.” He chuckled as he reached one of his hands up to grab onto the one of yours that was just lingering on the cusp of the bed. Messily tangling your fingers together to hold your hand in his. ”Sleep.”

  ~~~

  You were very thankful to have woken up first. Mostly due to the fact that Eddie's hand was still entwined with yours. Had it been Randi who'd woken up first you were sure you'd have woken up to the sound of a photograph flash and a giggle. The hypothetical picture probably getting stuck onto your dorm room door for Randi to ever so often bring it up in conversation.

  But you were also happy you'd woken up before Eddie. His hand still reached up to hold yours in the same upwards position and had been for hours. You just knew his hand would feel numb once awake. So you tried setting it down, gently, hoping that some blood would rush back to it before he woke up.

  These thoughts weren't necessarily the first thoughts that entered your head that morning. Especially since you'd first then noticed how his hands had been somewhat 'caught in the nude' by the way his rings weren't on. Instead, the silver accessories rested on his upper chest next to the guitar pick, all of them resting on the metal necklace around his neck.

  You weren't completely new to the sight, but it wasn't often that one could see Eddie Munson with his rings not on. And you hadn't noticed it when he did that last night. The first time you'd seen him slip his rings onto the necklace rather than put them into a pocket of some sort you'd questioned him. Asked him why.

  Eddie's sort of a softie. Albeit with a hard shell facing most people. But even with his softer side often being exposed to you most of the time... he usually doesn't come right out and say what something means to him. Not in an outright way anyhow. So when questioned about the rings still on in some way even whilst sleeping... he'd told you the story of each ring. Although you'd known the story of two of them already.

  It felt obvious at that moment that it was a comfort to him. Knowing that he still had them on in a way comforted him. Although wearing the rings around his neck couldn't have been the most comfortable thing ever... They were there. Along with the necklace.

  Being the first to wake up, you took your time. Took your time thanking the unconscious Randi that she hadn't set her alarm yesterday, as she hadn't needed to. Took your time to breathe in the new morning, as cliche as that sounds. Took your time to stretch out and rest as your body slowly became more and more awake. Took your time to look at Eddie, look at the rings, the way his bangs were even more of a mess when he's asleep, and the way he just seemed so peaceful.

  You wanted to let him continue sleeping. Maybe fix his bangs gently whilst his eyes were still closed, take more time to appreciate that you actually had him there with you for the first time since you'd moved in. Eddie wasn't by any means a quiet sleeper though, small snores and ever so often he shuffled on the bed a little. But he still looked peaceful, just... in an Eddie way. But you also wanted to actually spend time with him.

  "Ed?" You started softly, there were usually one of two ways he could wake up; like a sloth, groggy and mumbling nonsense, or instantly sat up in bed as if he was late for school and didn't have a single second to waste. The second one was more frequent when woken up by an alarm clock... which isn't that much of a surprise. But it is another reason you were very thankful that Randi hadn't set her alarm yesterday. "Eddie?"

  "Hm?" A groggy awakening, perfect, his hands were already reaching up to wipe at his eyes before stretching his arms out, hands above his head. The rings clinked against each other.

  "We should get up." You made sure to still keep your voice rather quiet.

  "Let's-mm- go. Let's go." He hummed back with a yawn as he stretched once again.

  ~~~ ~~~

  "So, the owner is... cool. I mean- he's a bit judgy? But honestly I think I've spent enough money to make him not question you." You didn't want Eddie to be caught completely off guard by Burt, the owner. You wanted his full reaction to the actual store but Burt himself... well you could at least try to 'warn' him a little. Your arms were linked as you walked down the sidewalk but Eddie faltered slightly, slowed his pace, and looked over at you with a confused frown. "What?"

  "He questions you?"

  "Not always- Just... I mean, usually all the new people I've seen? But like- even if he did... you would pass, trust me." He didn't want to sell a lot of mainstream shit, he wanted the more niche market, and tried to welcome it with open arms as much as possible. He wanted the freaks, geeks, and weirdos into his store. But you wanted Eddie's full reaction to the store so you hadn't really told him all of that yet. It wasn't necessary anyhow.

  Even after just a little over a month of living in this town the store felt like a safe space. Not that you'd needed one but it was nice anyway. Especially as it reminded you of those afternoons or weekends where you and Eddie would drive out, sometimes also accompanied by his band, to the store at the edge of Hawkins. Sure there is a music store in the middle of Hawkins too... but their music was mainly aimed toward the popular kids or the dad-types of Hawkins. A lot of Jim Croce albums... probably a bit because the owner of that store, Shirley, had been trying to get into Chief Hopper's pants again for a while now.

  So whilst that store played music that had been released nearly ten years ago... you drove to what essentially was the border of Hawkins to get music that actually fit at least somewhat into your tastes. Though Burt's store was way better in regards to the music... but it didn't have the same memories yet.

  But at least it reminded you of them. Running through the aisles with Eddie when you thought the owner couldn't see, making a little fun of the small assortment of the more mainstream music they sold in one of the corners of the store only to appease the majority of Hawkins, and giving the owner a hard time in general. Even if the two of you were so appreciative of all that store meant to you.

  "I'll pass?" His tone was confused once again, as if there was no way. As if the store would be just like that store in the middle of Hawkins. As if you would lead him to something like that?

  "You'll pass."

  ~

  "Holy shit."

  "Told you." You grinned at him, you hadn't even shut the door behind you, Eddie had abruptly stopped the second his eyes truly got a look at the store. It wasn't anything that was particularly... standing out, more than the merch Burt thankfully sold and a couple of small decorations he wouldn't be too bothered by. But you knew that Eddie could see it, feel it even.

  "I haven't passed yet."

  "No, maybe not. But I told you it was really good, didn't I?"

  "You did, Sweetheart, so you did." He rested his right hand softly on the back of your neck whilst your closest arm swung loosely around him, your hand clutching at the hem of his jean vest on the other side of him. You could feel the rings on the back of your neck. It was pretty warm outside and his rings had warmed up slightly by the warmth of his hands but it still sent a shiver down your neck.

  "Sweetheart?" Burt questioned with a huffy laugh as he walked around the corner making himself visible to the two of you. His eyes already scanning Eddie once you saw him. "You must be Ed, I'm Burt" He reached out his hand and Eddie immediately took it with a grin, unfortunately leaving your neck bare so quickly after having initially rested his hand there.

  "I love this." His eyes were already bouncing around on the different vinyl album covers he could see whilst Burt kept his hand in a tight handshake. Although Burt might've tried to intimidate Eddie, with a tight handshake, tried to get intense eye contact going, tried to test him in some sort of way... Eddie didn't even notice. And as soon as Burt let go of Eddie's hand, Eddie bounced off to look at the new releases section. Already seemingly in awe of how many bands Burt had there that he hadn't ever heard about.

  "He saw how much my tape collection had increased so... we're here."

  "Understood. What is he into?"

  "Burt..." Your voice almost came out as if you were scolding him, "You do see his vest right? The pins, the back, the patch. You know what he's into. Don't test him."

  Burt had been surprised by you since the very first time you stepped into the store. Not in the way of visual first impressions but rather the way you'd walked in as if you'd been in here a thousand times before. Walked with purpose as if you knew exactly what you were getting and where it was. Even though he knew his sense of organization was rather poor and whatever you were looking for was probably not going to be found easily, yet another reason he should be hiring someone to help out with the place. Later on, he was further surprised by how often you stopped by.

  By the third time, the two of you started talking. You thanked him for giving you a safe place even if you didn't need it just yet. A very open confession to make to someone you'd barely spoken a word other than 'hi' and 'how're you doing?' to. You hadn't always bought something every time you stopped by. Mostly because you felt like you'd bought too much already and if you just sat there and thought about buying a certain tape you'd sooner or later find out whether you actually 'needed' to buy it or not.

  Besides making Burt play certain albums or songs through the speakers and just sitting there enjoying it was fun too.

  "I guess." He chuckled, though his voice was still stuck with his more 'huffy' tone. Burt went back to work and you skipped off to try and find where Eddie wandered about. He already had three tapes stacked up in one of his hands, the other searching through the ones on display.

  "So?"

  "You never should've brought me here." He laughed, his eyes quite wide and still bouncing from tape to tape. He paused for a second, his hand stilled and he looked over at you, "Thank you."

  "You're welcome." He took a second more before looking back at the tapes. His eyes were something that was probably permanently painted in your mind. Whether they were at the very front of your thoughts or just in the background as a subconscious thought. You didn't know exactly why. If it was the color, the way they just seemed so... Eddie.

  After a while, you'd realized that you probably would have to drag Eddie out of the store when it came to it, even though you really didn't want to. You could've spent hours just watching as he looked through the tapes, his brown eyes scanning them as they made their usual sounds of hard plastic tapping against hard plastic. He said he'd stopped after picking up a fourth tape, even though you could see that he was really contemplating that decision.

  "Are you going to..." He asked slowly and dragged out the last word, "y'know... get any yourself?"

  "No." Your answer was quick and made absentmindedly.

  "No?"

  "You saw how many I already have. Burt has bled me dry."

  "Burt?"

  "Eddie," You almost groaned his name, although you knew that Eddie had been very distracted at that moment, "-the owner? The guy who greeted us at the door?"

  "Oh. Right."

  "Anyway, there's nothing I want to buy at the moment anyhow. I was here just the other day."

  "Did you buy anything?" It was a simple question but you still had to think it through thoroughly to actually remember.

  "No, I guess not." You weren't all that surprised at that yourself but Eddie's eyebrows raised for a short moment, whilst still keeping his eyes on the display in front of him. "Are you getting those?" you wondered though you felt like you already knew the answer.

  "Obviously."

  "Are you getting any more?" Chuckled back in response to the answer you had in fact known. You could've spent hours watching him but you did also want to show him some parts of your campus like he had asked for during the phone call.

  "Nah. You wanna go?" Yes.

  ~~~

  You found yourself more bored than you expected to be as you showed Eddie around campus. Showing him the old buildings, telling him where everything was although you felt like you barely knew that yourself thus far. You were getting bored meanwhilst he seemed to get more and more intrigued by every step, every explaining sentence, and every sigh that slipped from your lips.

  You didn't regret agreeing to show him all of this. You had wanted to do this. You had been intrigued by his interest. He had wanted to see this and you were not going to stand in the way at all.

  And yet...

  "I don't really know much else." You pursed your lips a little as you looked around from where the two of you stood. Practically in the middle of the whole mess. Your eyebrows furrowed a little as you tried, really actually tried, to come up with something more to show him. Something that you really wanted to show him. Or anything at this point.

  "I don't believe that." He chuckled and rolled his eyes just slightly, and took a step closer to you. "C'mon, show me something more." He nudged you with his shoulder and looked at you with those big eyes of his. You almost wanted to whine.

  "I don't know what to show you though." You huffed slightly, "It's boring. You want me to show you an old statue that used to mean something and now has become nothing more than a part of a silly tradition before exams?" Eddie's eyes widened slightly at your response, probably reading you like a book as he always does and knowing that something had twisted in your mind.

  You liked your campus. You usually loved it. Loved the rush of the students around you, even during the weekends as students were rushing to and from the library. Loved the small college-owned cafe that students usually worked at. Loved that dumb statue that was a part of one of the traditions you took part in. Everything.

  And then, well then you'd brought Eddie here and you couldn't figure out if it was that you felt like you could see it all from his eyes or that you could just see it with Eddie there. A part of your 'old world' brought to your 'new world' that had made the 'new world' seem dull.

  "I usually... I usually really like this place." You had known that the music store would be something he liked, something both of you would like. But this?

  "So why not now, huh? Tell me everything. I want to know."

  "You deserve more." It blurted from your lips before you could even stop the beginning thought of what was a long ramble in your head. "Y'know... like- I miss you. And... I- I wish you could be here with me but y'know... it wouldn't fit, would it? You in a boring old college with your best friend. You deserve... I don't know? A stage? To get out of that hellhole Hawkins and just... live." It felt cliche, as if you were in some old-timey movie, making your long dramatic monologue. And at the same time it also just felt like you were spitting out random words, hoping that they made sense.

  "Baby, you're getting way too philosophical on me here."

  "I just- I've missed you." You didn't know how to explain anything else, didn't know what you actually had wanted to say with that ramble. So you took a deep breath and hugged him.

  "I've missed you too." He wrapped his arms around you and placed a kiss on top of your head that lingered. You stayed there for a while, cherishing that he actually was there.

  "I- I think I might know a place to show you."

  ~

  "This." You'd nodded in approval to yourself, "This is way better." You told him with a small smile which prompted one of his in return. No one else around but the two of you, the space reminding you of the countless hiding places that Eddie had shown you in Hawkins. Now you finally got to show one in return.

  You'd only been up at the small lookout once or twice, with Randi guiding you there up the sort-of mountain, so you hadn't felt completely confident in leading you and Eddie there alone. But thankfully... you had managed. But it had been a long walk up so you wouldn't be surprised if you'd managed to go a little more off-track than what was meant to.

  Randi had led you there once to study in the good weather, as she didn't really want to be one of the many students crowding the campus lawns she had shown you this place. You still had no clue how she'd actually found the place... but it didn't matter. Especially not at this moment.

  The small lookout had a picnic table, which did make it way more believable that Randi had somehow found it or already known about it. That it was simply a place somehow known to some. Even though the place still felt so untouched in a way. Fresh and new. The view wasn't all that special. Showing mostly parts of campus whilst the larger city stretched out further than you could currently see. Something you weren't sure would be as true about Hawkins if you were at the same height with the same kind of view.

  "Meh, I would've liked to see that old statue without any meaning." He said with an obviously teasing tone with his lips softly quirking up into a smirk. But you still figured that he had practically requested a small smack on his chest by your hand, so you delivered. "I do like this too."

  "Good."

  "I did like the school stuff," Eddie stated as if he was defending it and although it felt somewhat unnecessary it still brought a small smile to your face.

  "Yeah?"

  "It is a part of your life y'know?" His voice was back to the more teasing tone again, "I... I want to- to know about your life." He stumbled slightly through the sentence as if he knew what he meant to say but hadn't quite thought out the actual words before saying it. He fiddled a little with one of his rings as he looked down on it. Whilst he had stumbled through it, it hadn't taken away anything from what he meant.

  He wanted to see it all and you'd wanted to show it to him. But something had twisted in the moment.

  "I could show you the statue tomorrow before you go." It wasn't a question but it didn't feel like you'd be pushing him to see it as much as it would've to just show it to him earlier. To point it out and explain the tradition. It simply didn't feel like you were demanding him to see it.

  You'd been anxious about something considering Eddie. It wasn't the first time it happened but it didn't happen often. And rarely when he was actually there. Usually it'd be that you'd be overthinking afterward, something you'd done or said, and then it had gotten stuck in your head. But now he was there and you'd practically felt as if you'd forced him there when he had been the one to insist on visiting this specific weekend.

  "I'd love that." The sentence sounded warming in a way, the way his grin could be heard as he said it. "Now, point some stuff out to me." That, however, did sound somewhat like a demand, in the cutest way possible. He sat down on the bench part of the picnic table before patting the table part right behind him, gesturing for you to sit there. Which you happily obeyed.

  ~~~

  You stayed up on that mountain-hill-thing for longer than you'd initially planned to. Though the whole thing hadn't been planned anyway, so what did it matter? The sky had darkened and when evening truly came you could see how the streetlights flickered on. You told Eddie how the city almost felt brighter to you once the few lit signs turned on and pointed out how you thought the street lights looked like small stars from afar.

  You had barely even thought about going back to the dorms until it got cold. And even then Eddie had to sort of convince you. Even mentioning the fact that you had said that you wanted him to drive home fairly early tomorrow.

  "C'mon. Sleep, we need sleep. Also... I don't know- warmth?" Eddie tried bringing up every good reason as to why you should go back. It was sort of unlike him to say that you needed to get back home from one of your hangouts. Although this time you would be going 'home' together so you guessed that was one of the reasons he wasn't objecting to the idea quite as much.

  It wasn't even that you were truly objecting to the idea, you weren't really arguing against him.

  "But look! Pretty." You whined though it felt somewhat childish to argue that the reason to stay out way later than you probably should, despite it being a Saturday, was the view.

  It only led to Eddie shuffling out of his leather jacket and vest combo before putting it on your shoulders and gathering the loose arms in front of you before starting to walk, with them still in his hand. Leading you along as he walked

  "Hey!"

  You'd objected quickly, obviously, though it was mostly to put your arms through the sleeves and take off only the vest to give it to Eddie. Trying to offer at least some of the warmth he offered in return. After all of that, you had relented.

  The walk back to the dorms wasn't all that long but it was long enough for the cold to slip inside the leather jacket. Which resulted in you almost thanking Eddie for convincing you to go back once inside the dorm building, the weird warmth of several people living in a single old building warming you up instantly.

  Randi was asleep when you cautiously padded into the dorm room. You knew that she wasn't easy to wake up but she was the sort of person to wake up from the weirdest shit. Barely waking up whenever her alarm blared loudly nearly every morning but still somehow she once woke up by you just shifting in bed. The beds were creaky but... not that creaky.

  The night went similarly to the night before. Perhaps a bit sooner 'goodnight' due to that you and Eddie already had spoken all day, though that never had and never would stop the two of you rambling each other's ears off anyway.

  ~~~

  "It's supposed to give you like... luck? I guess." You explained as you looked at the statue that had been rubbed so much that it almost shone. The rest of the statue was a grubby old grey whilst just one specific part looked almost like pure gold.

  "Perfect!" Eddie had no restraint, fairly so, as he instantly reached forward and rubbed the spot. "What?" He questioned as he saw your incredulous look at how quickly he had accepted that. "I need luck, don't I?"

  "I guess." You chuckled in response with a shrug before placing your hand on top of the rubbed-on spot as well.

  The Tuesday afterward you'd gotten the news from Eddie Munson himself via telephone that he had indeed passed the test. Which resulted in you racing over to the statue after the call to try and somehow thank it, although you knew it was all Eddie.

[aberfaeth]

Writer asks! 4, 6, 17 🧡💛🧡💛

SORRY I WAS LITERALLY HALF FINISHED WITH THIS WHEN I FORGOT ABOUT IT ANYWAYS HI HELLO

4. Do you prefer writing multi-chapter or oneshot fanfictions?

oh oneshots 1000%. well i mean like. i Enjoy multichaps conceptually but i have literally never finished one. sesdinikhil love languages doesnt count bc sav @grasslandgirl and i wrote that all in one sitting and then divided it into chapters later kdfgkgdfgk but yeah like i have so many ideas for longer wips i just have never gotten into a space where i could write them

6. Have you written any fanfictions featuring OCs? If so, elaborate!

SO FUNNY QUESTION bc again sav and i are like >20k deep in a fic thats essentially. What If Jamie Tartt Had A Younger Half Sister. That Could Fix Him Probably. also word on the wind (wizard101 fic. Deep Sigh) probably counts as an oc bc even though mae is like. The Protag The Young Wizard The Spellbinder Etc her name and personality and arc are inventions of my brain

17. Are there any writers and/or stories that you consider an influence?

Oh Boy Are There.

PUBLISHED WORK: the long way to a small angry planet by becky chambers is a masterclass of worldbuilding and i want everyone on earth to read it. similarly i think dimension 20's the unsleeping city is the best urban fantasy world ever created and i think about it every time i write urban fantasy! alberto rios is my favorite poet and inspires me Daily like the smallest muscle in the human body is such a wonderful book specifically some extensions on the sovereignty of science which makes me cry so much god i wish i had his skill with language. and the adventure zone remains my favorite story of all time! douglas adams, terry pratchett, honorary rick riordan mention for making me want to write in the first place.

FICS: in terms of like general lifetime inspiration god i would give my kidney to write like these people: tell me about the big bang by nina varela, domesticverse by @gyzym which is utterly lifechanging and permanently affected how i think about love and romance, patron saint of lost causes by @themetaphorgirl because the way it weaves together so many complex beautiful stories is beyond inspiring, if you could let me inside your heart by @featherquillpen because it remains the most compelling group character study ive ever read in my whole life, i hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain by @precalamity bc if i ever write a reclist without this shoot me im a pod person.

and a separate section for stranger things writers bc thats where im at rn: all of the people who influence how i write character dynamics and arc: lesbianrobin (@lesbianrobin), birthdaycandles (@steveharrington), oaseas (metaldead on twitter), thegoodthebadandthenerdy (@cauldronoflove), sickoflosiingsoulmates (@strangetorpedos)

also everyone in the hanover high AV club. Everyone. i mentioned girl help! by @jlinns in a previous ask but seriously everything these guys have ever written i am taking and putting in my shirt pocket for later: phonecallfromgod (@phonecallfromgod), formosus_iniquis (@formosusiniquis), jj thegoodthebadandthenerdy again, mikeshanlon (@akenoz), unbelieve (@fearlessjournalism) if i have forgotten anyone im so sorry i love you all so much

and of course sav grasslandgirl (@grasslandgirl) who inspires & influences me literally every single day! would not write Anything without her <333

[troglobite]

okay i’m not actively suicidal but it is literally impossible for me to list anything material for me to look forward to

i don’t have job security

i don’t have any/many job prospects

i have no meaningful social life because my friends all gather in person without me--i’m the only reason we’re not playing dnd in person, except for the fact that one of them is sometimes in virginia for her masters degree. 

this pandemic isn’t going to end any time soon, and it’s WHY i have no job security or prospects. 

i’m in a state where i’ll probably be able to sort of hold out a little bit longer against the STEEP decline into fascism here

we’ve started looking into immigrating to canada (and elsewhere, but mainly canada, bc $$$) and like. if we don’t get rejected bc of the cost to health care, it’s going to be IMPOSSIBLE unless i get a decent fucking job for at least a year. bc i’m not sure that the job i’ve had for 5 years even COUNTS to them.

so our only “hope” is for me to immigrate as a fucking refugee from this fucking piece of shit country.

but at that point it’s also like.

really, how long and far can we run??? 

i WANT to help. but i am not meant for direct action. i WANT to help people but i CAN’T because I DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY OR SKILLS THAT CAN HELP.

I DO NOT HAVE AND AM NOT PART OF A COMMUNITY.

and quite frankly i don’t want to be??? 

i can’t handle the social aspects, it’s all WAY too much. it’s too much for me to handle, and i’ve only gotten worse at it.

i hate being beholden to so many people. it adds a constant strain and stress on my life. how do i know this? merely having a handful of people counting on me to do things and be on time during school and with a particular friend group. 

i can’t even handle that. 

i don’t have any skills outside of what i went to school for--and i can’t do THAT because of the pandemic. 

i’m TRYING to get jobs. i’ve applied to an editorial internship, and i HIGHLY doubt i’ll get it.

then i have to apply to another one.

and then i have to INVEST MY OWN FUCKING MONEY into equipment to start doing voice over acting and stuff.

but that ALSO requires networking to some degree, facing a lot of rejection, and dealing with making like. nO FUCKING MONEY. FOR A LONG TIME. 

i won’t see a return on my investment in equipment for a LOOOOOOONG TIME.

and then!!! how and when and where do i get an agent?! like fuck this. 

i see a good portion of the world descending into fascism and violence. i know i’m not supposed to feel hopeless.

but all of the avenues to combat that hopelessness....aren’t accessible to me. they just aren’t.

i keep trying to find ways to feel joy or hope or even a will to live and they’re so few and far between and so hard to come by, and they’re so short lived.

i don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do things anymore. i have personal projects i’m trying to work on and they just tire me out so fast. 

i WANTED to take this really amazing shakespeare course! by this really impressive guy! and then it got canceled. and then he’s just. not posted about doing it again. even though he was going to. 

and so i’m just. tired. 

because the ONE THING i could do previously was donate money where it was needed.

and now i’ve been LOSING money since march, because my boss at this job that i will lose come the end of september refused to let me work from home, and is refusing to let us work more than 6 hrs/week for the summer.

that doesn’t even cover my therapy.

that literally is too on the fucking nose even for me. like come on. 

it doesn’t even feel worth crying about.

i’m sort of just. steadfastly thinking ahead and being like. okay what will be the last straw for me. what do i need to make it past that. what hope do i possibly have for the future.

i’m 27 and i’ve never even dated anyone.

i talked w my longest friend just the other day, and she....has this whole incredible life. and my update was...i’m depressed, i have no life, barely any friends, no job prospects, and i’ve been in a giant fit about my job since march. all my hopes for other opportunities keep falling through, and there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i don’t have marketable skills or training, so i can’t get into competitive job markets/fields. i’m stuck. i’m depressed. i haven’t left the house and it’s obvious because of how pale i’ve gotten and how much weight i’ve gained (the latter of which i don’t care that much about). 

and it was just. depressing. and SHE’S the one whose dad has cancer! and I WAS THE FUCKING DOWNER. SOMEHOW.

her dad will be okay, etc., that’s like--even anonymously, i’m not going to share details. obviously we talked about him. i’m sending her and her parents a homemade gift basket at the end of next month. 

i just. don’t see a point anymore. no amount of “you don’t need to contribute to society to deserve to live” could have possibly prepared me for this.

no hope, no prospects, no guaranteed future, no community, no life, no friends, no anything. 

two degrees and i have nothing in terms of moving my life forward. 

i’m grateful i have what i do. 

but i look ahead and i’m kind of just. numb and grim. idk how much longer i can cope like this. i’d like to live. i’d like to have something to live for. it’s all pretty superficial and obligatory at this point. and i’ll keep going. but there’s nothing that can fix how this feels, or even remotely fix my situation.

and it’s just never been this crushing and immobilizing and emptying before. 

there’s not enough to fill me back up enough so that it’s not so noticeable. i’m trying so hard to not think about it so much but i really can’t manage it for long. 

we watched some good tv and i laughed and was engaged and that felt good!

and then i opened my laptop for 5 minutes and it was gone. just remembering what’s going on. just remembering it all.

and my friends are. busy and pulling away. i barely talk to them. i don’t. i don’t talk to anyone. i’m utterly alone. and i don’t have a way to make new friends and connections because i refuse to get covid. 

whatever i felt in high school--middle school, actually--probably felt like a lot. 

but i don’t think. i’ve yet felt such empty hopelessness as this. and i’m just really trying hard to not look at it directly. 

it’s infuriating to have worked so hard on myself, to feel like i’ve grown and matured and learned things, and. to get this in return. 

none of it mattered. or maybe it only mattered bc now i’m managing to live through this. but for what. why does it fucking matter. it doesn’t. and i’m just tired. 

all i can think of as a positive is like. the students i help at work. 

and if that’s it, that’s all there is....what’s the fucking point. 

i know there isn’t one, but that ~radical~ nihilism isn’t helpful right now. because the point is to find and create your own meaning, right?

well that’s what i was doing. and now i’m struggling to find/make it. all the stuff i’ve worked on has all been pretty thoroughly stripped away from me. 

my education, my social life, my job and career goals, my forward momentum, all of it. 

i’ve been buying dice and plushies with my limited funds because i need to have something to look forward to (them arriving in the mail) and to have new things that provide joy in tiny ways. 

because i just. what else is there. whatever.

[missmonsters2]

today I feel awful... idk my insecurities are taking over me and I just want to curl into a ball and cry. maybe it's my hormones maybe the fact that I weighted myself and found out I gained weight (I can't fit into my jeans 😭) and the fact that I saw my sister in a tight skin dress looking perfect while I'm in my pj's just destroyed my confidence. I need something angsty to read to make me forget about my sad, miserable lffe right now. would you be down in writing sth angsty with nat maybe? you don't have to though. it's fine either way. I really appreciate all of your work and I keep reading on repeat whenever I'm feeling down. makes me cheer up. thank you, van ❤️

It's like we're the same person because I also went to visit my sister recently and my sister has gotten her life together and is living her best hot girl bod while I...let's not go there.

I just want you to know that you're hot as fuck and a body is just a body that we can change with time and effort. We're lit rally in this together. This time next year, we will be rocking the body that makes up happy and we'll be healthy!!! 💘💘

But I will still give you nat angst...but with a happy ending bc I said you deserve a HEA!!

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

The Withers of Springtime Bloom

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spring is a time of blooming and when things come back to life. You can't help but notice things that may be causing your relationship with Natasha to wither.

Warnings: self-esteem issues, insecurities about body, relationship with working out and food, seasonal depression. angst with HEA.

Count: 2.1k~

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

You're not sure when things changed.

Things change so slowly after all.

Without you noticing, things change and change and change until one day, you do notice.

You notice that Natasha has become quieter, somber.

You notice the lack of date nights and affectionate touches.

You notice that you've let yourself go a little.

You're standing in front of the mirror, staring at your body with a frown. You've gained weight since dating Natasha, but relationship weight gain was normal, wasn't it?

But you remember how Natasha was just as fit as she was before she met you. Sure, she was a superhero, and you were a regular civilian; there was no reason for you to train long hours as Natasha did.

Still...

You turn to the side and peer at yourself in the mirror again.

You can't help but wonder...were you becoming less attractive to her?

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

It had been the beginning of fall when you met Natasha. You loved the season of change and when things turned into warm colors before withering away for winter to come.

Natasha had come like a blessing, and in the winter, she was just warm as the colors of fall. Instead of withering away, she bloomed and invested that warmth in your relationship with her.

Despite always being an early riser to work out, weekends were the days she stayed in bed with you just a little longer. There had been so many breakfasts, lunch, and dinner dates. You found yourself moving things around or neglecting to work around her busy schedule.

Perhaps that was when things began to change. Eating out so often and forgoing working out to spend time with Natasha was what led to this.

Spring has arrived, and things are coming back to life. Yet somehow, your relationship with Natasha was withering away.

"Hey," you greet her as you come home, shopping bags in hand. You bought some more clothes when things felt like they didn't fit comfortably anymore. The experience had been upsetting for you, and you didn't end up buying too much, telling yourself you didn't want to spend too much when you were going to lose the weight.

Natasha was working in her office, peering down over reports, and barely acknowledged you other than with a hum.

"Long day?" You ask her as you put your things away and walk over to her.

"Yeah," Natasha sighed. "Trying to get these reports done since Maria needs them tomorrow."

That had been Natasha's excuse for spending long hours in her office every night for the last two weeks.

You place your hand on Natasha's shoulder with a reassuring squeeze, but she leans to the side as if to readjust herself, but still away from your touch.

The sting immediately comes, but you try to push it down, so it doesn't hurt as bad.

"Right," you say hoarsely, but Natasha stares on at the reports. "I'm just going to get ready for bed. It's been a long day and all. Let me know if you need anything."

Natasha gives you a nod as you leave the room. You feel awkward as you lie in the bed you share with her. You wonder if you're taking up too much space.

There's a pang of something as you try to curl yourself to be smaller and only distantly realizing you've skipped dinner before you fall asleep.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

You fall back onto the mat, chest heaving and your lungs burning.

It's been a while since you've worked out, and now you're definitely paying for it with how unfit you are.

The gym is moderately empty with the hour it is. You hate going to a public gym because it always feels like someone is staring, but it's better for strangers to stare than working out at the Compound for people you know to stare at you.

The rational part of you knows that you should just talk to Natasha, but the emotional side of you whispers that you won't like what Natasha has to say, that she might even end it before you've had a chance to change yourself.

When weeks pass, and you weigh yourself again, you almost start crying because you've only lost a couple of pounds.

It's normal, you know it is. You're losing weight at a normal rate, but it's not enough. You know fast weight loss wouldn't make sense for your body but you also feel you don't have half a year to go back to your normal weight.

You sit on the bathroom floor for hours, debating what to do when you hear a quiet knock.

"Sweetheart, are you in there?" Natasha's muffled voice comes through.

You wipe at your eyes furiously as you stand up.

"Y-Yeah," you answer back. "I'm just in the tub soaking."

There's a moment of silence through the door before Natasha answers back, "Alright. Enjoy yourself. Did you want me to order anything specific for dinner?"

"No, it's okay," you tell her. "You order anything you want. I already ate on my way home." You think about the chicken salad you've been eating for the past two weeks and almost sigh.

Natasha answered that she just came back to see if you've eaten, but she actually had to head back to the Compound. You were Natasha shuffling around before leaving through the front door, and you let out the breath you were holding.

You actually take a long, hot shower before putting on sweats and a big hoodie.

The truth was, you were hungry. The chicken salad was okay on the way home, but it had been a couple of hours since.

You knew starving yourself wasn't the answer, so you went into the kitchen to see if you could find something healthy to hold you over until you could go to bed.

But you can't find anything in the fridge except for Natasha's leftovers from whatever she ordered the day before. You can't find anything except frozen pizzas and microwavable foods.

You check the calories on the back and let out a frustrated sigh. Checking your watch, you realize it's too late in the evening to go grocery shopping because, by the time you get there, stores will have closed.

You slump down on the floor, leaning against the cabinets as you let out a pathetic whimper while your eyes became hot with tears.

You miss Natasha. You want Natasha holding you and telling you it would be okay. But you couldn't have that until you were back to what you were when you met her.

The front door suddenly opens.

"Have you seen my—sweetheart?" Natasha started to call before she noticed you sitting on the floor. "What's wrong?"

You use your sleeve to wipe at your eyes as you sit up straight.

"Nothing," you sniffle before you start to stand. "I just stubbed my toe against the edge of the kitchen island. What were you looking for? USB? You left it next to the bedside."

Natasha stares at your back, hair still wet as she takes in your attire.

"It's a little hot to be wearing a hoodie and sweats, isn't it?" Natasha asks softly. "Doesn't seem like you turned on the aircon in here."

You keep walking, but Natasha starts to follow you.

"'m cold," you say quietly so she can't hear the tremble in your voice.

"Are you feeling sick?" Natasha asks with concern as you sit down on the couch, turning on the TV. You pull the blanket over you as if to make your point.

"No," you tell her because you don't want her to worry. "Just cold after a bath."

Natasha sets her things down before she takes a seat next to you. Even in the low lighting, she can see your eyes rimmed red and dampness of them.

You're refusing to look at her as you have your knees drawn up to your chest and stare stubbornly at the TV screen.

Then she hears it.

Your stomach grumbles.

"Are you hungry, sweetheart?" Natasha asks softly again. "We can just order food and stay in tonight."

Your cheeks grow hot. "Don't you have to be at the Compound?"

You don't mean to snap at her, but you can't help but feel embarrassed.

Natasha remains quiet for a moment, quickly thinking over the last few weeks before she feels guilt trickle in.

She doesn't remember the last time she ate with you—doesn't remember the last time she saw you eat.

"Sweetheart," she calls you gently again, and you bristle at the tone. "Is there something wrong?"

The fragile dam you've built to keep the weeks of compiling emotions at bay breaks, and you're hurtling down the stream over the waterfall.

"Are you not in love with me anymore?" You choke out as you begin to cry.

You can't even register to feel horrified at your breakdown because you just need to know.

"I know...I know my body has changed since we first met and I've gained weight but I really am trying to lose it. I just—I feel like you're avoiding me. At first, I thought things at work have been really stressful for you, and I wanted to give you space but you're gone all the time. You're gone even when you're here."

Natasha can barely understand anything you've said after hearing you say the first part. Her breath hitches painfully in the back of her throat, and she legitimately feels appalled at herself.

She starts to say something, but you keep going.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to make this about me because if you're going through something then I want to support and be there for you. But I can't help but feel like you're grossed out by me. I mean—I feel grossed out when I look at myself. I feel like I'm taking up so much space—"

Natasha cuts you off abruptly, pulling off the blanket as she pulls at you until you're in her lap.

"Nat—"

"You're not gross and this is not about the weight you have or have not gained. You hear me?" Natasha says forcefully as she holds you close to her, hand over your thigh to keep you against her.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've been making you feel like you're not attractive me," Natasha's eyes well up as your tears wet her shoulder. "You're literally still the most gorgeous person I've ever met and you're always going to be that to me."

Natasha's hand at your waist dips underneath your hoodie, her fingers trailing up your back as she sighs at your warmth. "I should've told you, but the springtime is just really hard for me. It's odd because it's a time for things to come back to life but some of the worst things have happened to me during the spring and things blooming makes me think about things that aren't coming back. I think it's also just a little bit of seasonal depression too. I'm just the rare percentage that gets it in the spring."

The explanation makes your body sag with relief because while you feel so horrible that there is a reason Natasha doesn't like spring, she's not falling out of love with you.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I was hurting you," Natasha apologizes again. "I didn't mean to be so distant but I didn't want to bring your mood down as well, which is why I've been working so much to keep busy."

"It's okay," you muttered as your turn your head, forehead pressed against her neck. "I'm sorry spring is depressing for you."

Natasha merely hushes you as she kisses the side of your head.

You begin to feel awkward, thinking about how you must be heavy on her and try to move, but Natasha doesn't let you.

"Sweetheart, I don't know how to convince you that you're perfect to me," Natasha says so seriously as she forces you to look at her. "If you want to lose weight because that is what you want, then I support you. But I need you to understand that I love you no matter what. I don't care either way because you're so fucking lovely to me always. Do you understand?"

Timidly, you reply, "Okay. Thank you."

Natasha presses her lips against yours in a long kiss before she pulls back.

"Now, I'm going to ask again. Are you hungry? We can order in and watch that new show on Netflix I heard was pretty good from Wanda."

You feel lighter. You think you might still want to work out because that would make you happy, but you don't feel the rush like you did just a couple of hours ago.

"Yeah," you say shyly. "But maybe something not so heavy?"

Natasha nods as she presses another kiss into your cheek as she helps you settle onto the couch right beside her to grab her phone.

"Anything to make you bloom."

[kyovtani]

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 – 𝐤𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐢 𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮 (𝟐)

— pairing: Kyoutani Kentarou x female Reader

— genre: smut, angst, little bit of fluff to keep the balance; tattoo artist!kyoutani, inexperienced!reader, strangers to lovers!AU, SLOW BURN

— word count: 9.6k

— warnings: swearing, mentions of infidelity and violence, as well as the consumption of drugs and alcohol; smut: corruption kink, degradation and dumbification, dacryphilia, praising, spitting, (soft) dom!kyou, oral (m. receiving), fingering, dry humping, unprotected sex (dont do that kids), impreg kink, iwaoi say hi-

— (A/N: and here’s part two! thank you SO much for all the love you sent my way after i published the first part. ngl i was a little nervous bc i thought it was boring and not interesting at all but you guys easily pushed me out of that hole so thank you for everything. i love and appreciate you with my whole heart. all the love, zade xx)

[ part one ]

— summary: after fucking up, you make it your mission to get him back..(im so bad at this pls just- okay.)

"He's not picking up, Hana", you say, another soft cry falling from your lips before you bury your face in your pillow.

“Once in my fucking life a guy treats me good and the way I've always wanted to be treated and I had to fuck it up. Why the fuck am I like this, Hana? Why can I not enjoy one fucking good thing in my fucking mediocre life", the profanities keep coming just like the tears and the amount of frustration and anger rushing through your veins is nowhere near normal anymore.

"Calm down, love", Hana sighs and makes you sit up so she can look into your tear stained face as she tries her best to make sure her words actually find their way to your pain clouded mind, "at this point you shouldn't worry too much because you do know Kyoutani, don't you? He does lose his temper a lot, so give him the time he needs and then you'll show up at his doorstep, suck his cock and make up with him, yeah?", she explains calmly.

"If this hurts you so much, why the fuck did you even say he's just a friend, Y/N? I really don't understand", Hana mumbles and lets out another sigh, her hands caressing yours softly, managing to calm you down a little bit.

“You're right, I should just– give him some time and things will eventually fall into place", you reply after crying a little more and with an encouraging smile your best friend nods at you before she suggests a movie marathon to which you happily agree.

At least something to distract you from all the demons inside your head.

After changing into your pj's and doing your night time routine, you plop down onto the couch next to your bestie again, her eyes focused on the phone in her hand and knowing she's probably either sexting or inviting her new boyfriend has you shrugging at her lack of attention as you start looking for a good movie to begin the night with.

However, just when you're about to read the description of some kind of french rom-com, Hana puts her phone back into her lap and starts staring at you with her pretty eyes widened in shock.

"What's wrong?", you ask and turn to look at her, reaching for her hands but before you even get the chance to touch her, Hana unlocks her phone and holds it up for you to watch someone's instagram story.

The video begins with loud music, a crowd full of young college students whose faces definitely are familiar.

Everyone in the video is dancing, making out, smoking and just chatting in a random living room and every now and then there's someone yelling in the back – a typical college party.

However, just as the video is about to end, the camera shifts to a tall male leaning against the wall, obviously standing really close to the person who's filming and it takes you a full blown thirty seconds to realize who said male is.

Kyoutani Kentarou.

You stare at the phone for another minute, your throat dry and your head empty as a thick veil of tears slowly starts blurring your sight before you finally decide to pay attention to the username.

"He can't be fucking serious", you hiss, fisting the blanket beneath you, the urge to punch something or someone becoming unbearable, "what the fuck is he doing at a random college party with – Sora?"

"Y/N, don't–", "Whose party is that?", you interrupt your best friend, not giving a single fuck about her attempts to calm you down; not anymore. Hana gulps harshly and strictly avoids your gaze as she mumbles a name and you roll your eyes, asking her to speak up with an annoyed sigh.

"It's one of Yuuji’s frat parties", and as soon as your best friend says the name of your ex-boyfriend, a cold shiver of disgust runs down your spine and you can feel yourself getting lightheaded from all the emotions rushing through your overwhelmed body.

"Don't follow me if you're going to stop me from leaving, Hana", you say and stand up before quickly disappearing inside your room.

You have no idea how you manage to get dressed, your outfit consisting of a pair of jeans and a hoodie you can't even remember buying and you don't even wanna think about what your hair and face look like when you end up leaving the house with your keys and your phone.

After driving this route for over two years on an almost daily basis, it takes you less than ten minutes to arrive in front of the huge house your ex-boyfriend lives in.

The memories start finding their way back into your head way too fast, taking away your breath and numbing your whole body because even if you didn’t love Yuuji anymore, the bitter feeling of betrayal still manages to hit you in just the right way.

It takes you a lot of willpower to actually approach the house and eventually get in. And after being in between the crowds of drunk, stinky college students, you remember why you hate college parties so much.

"I – Wow”, a familiar voice manages to break through the loud music, your instant reaction just an annoyed eye roll, “you were the last person I expected to see at one of our frat parties", Yuuji says and comes to stand in front of you.

His blonde hair messily falling into his handsome face and from the way his whole face seems to be covered in the deepest shade of red – including his eyes – you know that he's probably higher than the stars and you can't help but sigh.

"I'm not here to party, Yuuji", you hiss, feeling the anger crawl up your spine again the longer you look at your ex, "my boyfriend is here and I have to talk to him."

"So you and that tattooed guy are actually a thing? Didn't think so since he, you know – showed up with another girl", Terushima mumbles and pulls out a cigarette from his pocket, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Yuuji", you spit back and roll your eyes, taking in the way the pretty boy arches his brows up in pure shock at your rather new attitude, "go and get high or whatever you do to feel proud of yourself", are the last words you say to him before you walk away, your heart thrumming inside your throat.

Your eyes roam the huge crowd, desperately searching for the only face you wanna look at right now and you try to remember where they were standing in the video Sora had posted only to realize that you can't remember.

After all you only watched the video once, your whole attention laying on Kyoutani. And after almost fifteen minutes, you find yourself slowly giving up.

Maybe this was just not meant to happen or maybe Kyoutani has left already.

He probably left with Sora- something you can’t and won’t ever blame him for.

After all she's literally one of the prettiest and hottest girls you have ever seen – anyone who rejects her would be out of their mind (or not attracted to girls which isn't the case when it comes to Kyoutani).

You give it another ten minutes of desperately looking around before you let out a deep sigh which gets lost in the loudness and thick air of the party before you finally start making your way back to the front door.

You quickly walk back to your car, trying your best to ignore everyone around you, especially all the drunk guys who are currently about to get into a verbal fight over something totally random and the last thing you want to experience those threats becoming reality.

At some point you're scared they might even include you which is probably why you end up literally sprinting and even though you always park so far away from frat houses just because you've heard way too many stories of people getting their cars stolen during parties, but right now you just wished you would have listened to your gut feeling and parked in front of the fraternity like every normal person.

However, to your life long luck, you spot a tall figure standing a little too close to your vehicle just as you’re about to unlock it. You slow down your movements almost instantly upon seeing the stranger, yet your eyes still try to figure out if it's someone you know despite the darkness surrounding the two of you.

He has probably spotted you by now, after all you're still panting like crazy from speed walking down to where your car is and it takes you a full minute to realize how loud you're actually being.

"Y/N", the male suddenly says, his deep voice sending shivers down your spine and even though it could have been everyone, it sounds a tad bit too familiar to your ears which is probably why you end up approaching him slowly.

"It's me, Kyoutani", he adds and at the same moment the words leave his lips, you finally recognize his pretty features which seem extra beautiful underneath the bright moonlight.

And then realization hits you.

"How did you know–", "Hana called me and asked if I could make sure you got home even if I didn't want to talk to you. So, here I am. Get in the car so I can tell her I did my part of the job", he interrupts you quickly, obviously not having the intention to interact with you and the way his usually so tender-filled eyes and calming voice are nothing but ice-cold has a thick veil of tears blurring your sight.

Never ever did you think about the moment, where Kyoutani puts the cold mask on he loved to hide behind when he had first looked at you all those weeks ago.

And the longer he avoids your gaze, the heavier the burden on your chest becomes.

"I'm sorry, Tani", you whisper, your voice breaking at the end, easily giving away how much his cold demeanor has gotten to you.

“Of course you're not just a friend to me and I d-don't know why I introduced you like that, everything happened so quickly and I – panicked. It's not an excuse and does not justify my behavior but I just wanted you to know that you've always been more than just a friend to me", you continue, managing to keep talking upon realizing that Kyoutani won't interrupt you and the way he even listens to you with his eyes looking everywhere but yours is absolutely enough for you.

"What am I to you then, Y/N? Am I the guy you're casually fucking? Your booty call? Am I your second choice? Like what the fuck do you expect me to say? I know we never put a label to – this", he starts pointing at you and then himself, "but you knew I was serious about it, about you. So, I just don't understand why you would even think about considering me a friend. I told you that I am not one for that friends with benefits kinda shit and you agreed yet you did this and now I can't help but be convinced you just used me to get that Yuuji fucker.”

Kyoutani is angry and he doesn't even try to hide it as he spits out those words, the ones he’s probably been dying to say out loud for the past few days and you know he has every right to actually be mad at you, his words still hit you in a way you didn't expect them to.

"I'd never do that to you, Kentarou; I'd never use you like that, please believe me", you say quickly, a little surprised you're even able to form proper sentences.

“You m-mean so much to me and I just don't know how to put it into words. My heart hurt so much when I watched you type your number into Sora's phone but the demons in my head, they just kept talking over my heart and – I'm just really sorry, Kyou, I really am", you sigh and after realizing that he's not going to look at you, you finally manage to shift your gaze away from his pretty face.

"Go home, Y/N. It's been a long day for both of us and I think some more distance will help me get my mind straight", Kyoutani replies after a long, torturous beat of silence lingering in the cold air and even if it wasn’t the reply you had hoped to hear, you're glad he's at least not completely ending it.

"Okay b-but at least let me drive you home?", you ask softly, wiping away the few tears which had managed to escape and when you look up at the beautiful faced male in front of you, his eyes meet you for the first time since what feels like forever and you feel yourself melting away.

"I don't think that's a good idea, pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, the soft pet name sending your mind into the sweetest haze of comfort just like that, "it's only been a few days but I am craving your touch and I just know I'm going to lose it and fuck you against the next best surface if we get into that car together, so I have to decline this offer", he adds and takes another step back, his lips stretching into a tiny smile and you can’t deny how much his words have you gotten you worked up, but you have no choice but to nod.

"Have a good night, baby", Kyoutani sighs and deep down you're hoping for a kiss, after all it's been way too long since you got to feel close to him but instead, he just lifts his hand up and starts waving at you and just as he is about to turn around, you find yourself reaching for his wrist. The fear and despair inside of you making you a little too brave for your personal liking but you know you can't just let him walk away like that.

"Please, Tani- Kyoutani", you whisper and let out a soft sigh of relief when he turns around to face you again, "I won't try anything, I just want to spend a little bit more time with you."

Kyoutani takes a deep breath, his dark eyes roaming your face and wandering down your body and even though it feels like he's literally devouring you alive, you enjoy his burning gazes regardless, a hidden part inside of you even craving them.

A solid minute passes by before he lets out a sigh and gives you a nod, his plump lips pressed into a thin line.

It takes you another deep breath and a couple of seconds to actually calm yourself down from the rollercoaster of emotions you've been through within the time span of an hour and as you sit there in your car, inhaling the cold air of the night, your mind starts replaying everything that went down, starting from the day you met Kyoutani, to your first and most recent kiss, as well as the encounter with Sora and your deep anger towards Yuuji.

The drive to Kyoutani's apartment passes by in a blur, way too fast for your liking and you can't help but pout when you pull up in front of the huge building, knowing very well that this will be the last interaction with the handsome tattoo artist for the upcoming few days and you can already feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

He's been awfully quiet, not like you actually said anything but Kyoutani's silence was intense, boring into your soul and actually suffocating you to a point where the urge to just jump out of the car became overwhelming.

You know he's probably going through everything just like you, yet the feeling that his thoughts are more on the negative side just won't leave you alone and you hate the way your assumptions are being confirmed as soon as Kyoutani turns to look at you.

"I – love you, Y/N", he suddenly says, his voice soft and calm, yet still deep and the way it's filled with tenderness and the sweetest bit of longing makes the effect of those magical words even heavier.

Your lips part in shock, your head having a difficult time actually processing his confession and you can feel your whole body going into a standby mode.

"But you're not good for me."

You remember the way your heart broke into thousands of pieces when you found out the alleged love of your life was cheating on you without even batting an eye.

The pain was so intense and heavy, you didn't know how to deal with it and at some point you were convinced that your heart had stopped beating for a solid minute. It was bad, left you speechless and threw you into a hole of darkness you barely managed to escape from, yet still leaving you grateful for the experience.

You thought your first heartbreak would be able to prepare you for what's to come in the future, but what you went through as soon as those words had fallen past Kyoutani’s lips, can't be compared to anything you've ever felt before.

Your heart starts clenching as his words keep replaying inside of your head and your throat so is going absolutely dry from your desperate attempts to gasp for air as the feeling of being suffocated comes back.

Everything around you seems to disappear, your eyes still focused on Kyoutani's intense gaze as the feeling of emptiness starts filling up your whole body.

You easily lose track of time, your heart beat so slow and heavy and when the wave of reality crashes you yet again, an almost inaudible sob falls past your lips.

"B-But...", you can't get yourself to speak, the words getting stuck in your throat and soft cries the only thing filling the inside of your car.

And yet, there are so many things you want to tell him, so many things rushing through your mind at the highest speed, almost impossible to grasp them and actually put them into proper sentences.

"You have too much control over me. I lost myself trying to fit into the picture of a lover you need and deserve. But – I am not who I used to be anymore”, Kyoutani explains, nervously rubbing the sides of his pierced node with his thumb as he avoids looking in your direction at all costs.

“I am scared of losing what's obviously not mine. You make me feel weak and vulnerable and I just can't deal with it. You've become the center of my world, and I can't control how much it affects me. How much you affect me and – I hate it", he continued, his voice is still incredibly calm, yet a bittersweet tone of fear coating every single one of his words.

"B-But...", yet again, the whole of your vocabulary seems vanished, not one word to say as the knot in your throat tightens even further.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I thought I could do it but – I am not meant to love and you deserve to be loved in the most special way possible”, he takes another quick break, letting out a sigh of exhaustion, “and that's why I'm letting you go. Please, don't hate me. Take care and – goodbye, my love.”

Those are his last words before he presses his lips against your forehead, making your head spin like crazy because of the contrast of his heartbreaking words and his soft kiss.

Kyoutani leaves without saying another word. He doesn't even look back once as he walks away and enters the apartment building, while you can't stop staring at the door with hot tears streaming down your cheeks and loud sobs filling the suffocating air surrounding you.

There you are, yet again.

Your eyes staring into the dark night as your body tries to cope with the intensity of pain you've thought you had overcome.

The constant breaking of your heart starts numbing every part of your body and you slowly start losing yourself in this certain kind of darkness.

Seconds turn into minutes and without even realizing, a whole hour has gone by with you staring into nothing.

Your mind plays games with you as it keeps replaying his words, his behavior, his kiss and the feeling of slowly but certainly going insane as you get out of the car a little too fast.

You tumble back, the sudden coldness hitting you right in the face and the mental as well as physical exhaustion has your body trembling.

And then it hits you.

The wave of anger, wrath, frustration and hatred literally wakes you up, pulls you back into reality and ends up taking over you completely.

Your eyes find the huge apartment building Kyoutani lives in, staring at it as if you could set it on fire and you know what you're about to do is a bad idea but your body acts before your mind can even get the chance to intervene.

And that's how you find yourself almost brutality slamming your fist against Kyoutani's door, your heart hammering against your rib cage way too fast for it to be still physically healthy and ten thousand different thoughts rushing through your chaotic mind.

"What the fuck is going – Y/N", Kyoutani looks at you with his pretty eyes slightly widened in shock, his lips parting as he struggles to keep his eyes on you and a disgusting feeling of shame and embarrassment starts filling you up.

You know this is pathetic, you are aware of how stupid you look standing in front of him like this but you just can't get yourself to actually care about it.

"Y/N, please don't-", "No, I listened to what you had to say and now I'm going to talk and you're going to listen to me. Before that I am not going anywhere because I deserve this", you cut him off, hands balled into fists as you try to stay calm but the more you think about his words in the car, the angrier you get.

"I–", Kyoutani sighs, his eyes nervously roaming your face and upon noticing the way you seem to shiver from the cold and your lack of clothing, he lets his conscience get the best of him, "alright, come in then.”

You follow him inside, the familiar scent of vanilla and Kyoutani's favorite febreeze scent filling your nose and you hate the way how comfortable you are.

After all you've been spending quite some time in this apartment; visiting him after your classes so he could bury his face between your legs and then offer you some homemade food, followed by a good old ghibli movie and lots of cuddles has become some kind of routine.

Oh, how you hate him for ruining all of those memories.

"Do you want something to drink? You're probably freezing", he offers, his voice filled with concern and you know he is right and you'd definitely give everything for a cup of tea and maybe some water, you still shove all of your body’s basic needs into the very back of your head and try to regain your composure.

"I – you – we", you take a deep breath, your mind struggling to put all of those racing thoughts into some kind of order, yet failing miserably.

But there's so much you want to say to him; so many things you want him to hear and now that you are actually standing in front of him, your body betrays you.

"You're a fucking coward, Kyoutani Kentarou", is the first thing you finally manage to let out, "and I hate you for leaving me like this. I fucking hate you.”

Deep down, you hate yourself for saying those words; the choice of words and the incredible heaviness they come with are usually not your way of expressing yourself yet you're not regretting them.

You don't know how this night is going to end, maybe this will be the last time you get to see Kyoutani or he'll eventually fuck you into oblivion and you finally end up together; but nevertheless you want your words to hurt him; you want them to wake him up just like his did to you.

"How dare you confess your love to me and tell me I basically ruined your life in the same breath when you're the one who's fucking all of this – us up. Yes, I’ve made a mistake and I've been regretting my choice of words for the past four days, even came to the point where I accepted your distance and decided to let go because I know how much my words hurt you. But us ending like this? Definitely not going to happen", Kyoutani stares at you with his pretty eyes focusing you attentively, barely blinking, not moving at all; he’s just listening to you.

"I just – don't understand how you can be this oblivious."

"Oblivious? Oblivious to what?", he asks, his voice a little deeper and raspier, sending goosebumps straight dow your spine as if your body needed to remind you the effect he has on you.

"Oblivious to everything. This is what love does to people, Kentarou. Of course you're going to feel weak and vulnerable because of me - because of the one you love. After all the point of being loved and loving someone else is showing those vulnerabilities and weakness to the person you trust the most because you know, or at least you hope, they won't take advantage of it.”

You take a deep breath, your mind slowing down as you ease yourself into his calming embrace and subconsciously losing yourself in the comfort it comes with.

“I'm yours. I've been yours since the very first day and we both know this, that's why you are so scared of losing me. And that's why my words hurt you so much”, you can tell that he’s already processing your words as much as he can; his habit of scratching the back of his head giving him away easily.

"You said you've lost yourself trying to fit into this picture of someone who I deserve but – you are the one who created that picture in the first place. Just because my first boyfriend was an alleged goody two shoes doesn't mean that you have to be like that too. Fuck that", you hiss, the thought of Kyoutani changing even the slightest bit about himself sending jolts of anger through your veins, "I don't care if you dropped out of college or that you have tattoos and piercings and bleach blonde hair. None of that matters to me because it's you, your kind heart and your pure soul I fell in love with.”

And suddenly - you can feel the burden on your shoulders disappear when those certain words leave your lips and the second Kyoutani raises his eyebrows in slight surprise before he locks eyes with you again has another breath of fresh air run through your suffocated lungs.

"Yes, I'm in love with you, Kyoutani Kentarou. Believe it or not, but for me, you're perfect just like this, with all your tiny habits and every single tattoo. There's nothing I'd change about you and I'm genuinely, truly sorry if I ever made you feel like you needed to change for me. You're a great guy and I guess that's why I ran back here after sitting in that car, crying for an hour because I couldn't stop thinking about the way you confessed your love to me”, you feel the thick veil of tears appear before they manage to block your sight, making the pretty face in front of you turn into bourry little pixels as your emotions overwhelm you.

“And yes, you are meant to be loved; maybe not meant to be loved by me but you deserve to be loved, do you hear me?"

You go up to him, closing some of the distance between the two of you before your finger darts out and poke his strong chest, trying to ease the tension after letting go of all those thoughts, "you deserve to love and to be loved because you're a good person. And I just – wanted to thank you for letting me into your life. Meeting you, getting to know the beautiful person you are has been one of the best things that has happened to me and I will cherish these memories forever."

And with those words you take a deep breath, let out another sigh, goving away your acceptance of defeat before you lift your head and prepare yourself to say your last goodbye no matter how painful it is.

"Take care, Kyoutani Kentarou and thank you, for everything", the words fall past your lips in the form of a whisper solely because you're too scared to break if you raised your volume just slightly.

You turn around and feel the first tear find its way down your cheek before you even get to walk away.

And just as you wrap your fingers around the doorknob, the sound of rushed footsteps approaching you makes you halt your movements.

"D-Don't go", Kyoutani suddenly says, his voice breaking when he comes to stand behind you, so close you can actually feel the warmth he's radiating, "I need you...so bad", he whispers into your ear, pressing his forehead against the back of your neck and it's like everything that happened tonight becomes irrelevant.

You turn around, not expecting Kyoutani to push you against the door with his whole body, yet still embracing him as much as you can.

With a soft sob, you start inhaling his unique scent, grazing his soft skin with your fingers and letting the warmth blossom inside of your chest after feeling his rapid heartbeat beneath your palm.

"Don't leave me, please", he cries, the tears running down his flushed cheeks despite his desperate attempts of holding back, "let's do this whole love thing.”

You stand there for what feels like an eternity, just hugging each other, taking in each other's presence and calming down from everything that has happened in such a short time. You finally calm down completely, Kyoutani's soft touches and tiny kisses give you the last bit of energy you needed and for the first time in almost three months, there's not one demon in your head trying to make you overthink something.

Because this feels perfect; there's literally no other word to describe the feeling of holding Kyoutani Kentarou and being held by him.

But nevertheless, you've been on a constant adrenaline rush for the past four hours and the exhaustion has been killing you, making you grow tired a lot faster than usual.

"What about moving this to your room, hm? I'd rather fall asleep with you in your bed than against the door; especially because I know the boys are out and will be coming home soon", you say softly, lifting Kyoutani's head from the crook of your neck and looking at him.

He sighs and gives you a soft kiss, giving you a nod in response before he gets himself to let go of you; his warmth leaving with him and it's almost disgusting how you literally crave his presence.

After Kyoutani makes you drink two glasses of water to avoid the dehydration of your body, he hands you one of his thick hoodies and leaves you to get ready in his bathroom.

You come back to the sight of him sitting against the headboard of his king sized bed, his oversized shirt revealing the perfect amount of collarbones and you enjoy the sight of his pretty skin and the dark lines covering most of it as well as the way his sweats hug his strong thighs in the best way possible.

And as you watch his eyes lazily roam your body, a hot jolt of arousal finds its way through your veins and right to your cunt.

"Don't look at me like that, sweet girl", Kyoutani suddenly groans and cocks his head to the side, his tongue poking out to wet his lips before he gulps harshly; his eyes never once leaving yours.

"B-But Tani...", you reply, approaching him with tiny steps become you come to stand right next to his tall figure, feeling yourself growing needier because of the way your body is craving his touch now more than ever.

“Baby…”, he replies and gulps harshly, knowing your body better than yourself after weeks of getting to know you in a way nobody has ever before.

"Please, Tani...please, fuck me. I need to feel you inside of me. I've been waiting for so long...", you plead, your fingers coming to graze his pretty lips as memories of all the times he had turned you into a crying mess with those lips.

Kyoutani is just as affected by the change in tension as you, the slight bulge in his grey sweatpants as well as the hunger burning in his eyes giving him away.

"You're such a pretty angel girl, aren’t you?", he whispers and sits up, pulling you closer to make you stand in between his legs as he starts caressing your hot cheeks with his fingers.

“Yet you're saying all those naughty things”, Kentarou chuckles deeply, “imagine how people would react if they knew what a cockhungry little slut you actually are", upon hearing those degrading names, your cunt starts clenching around nothing and a high pitched whimper escaped your throat.

"For you...", you whisper, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth the second Kyoutani starts placing open mouthed kisses on your neck.

Your fingers dig into his shoulders, pulling the material of his shirt a little too tightly.

"Of course, baby, you're mine after all and this sweet cunt", the sudden feeling of his palm pressing against the damped fabric of your panties has you gasping for air, "belongs to me, and me only", Kyoutani grunts, pulling the skin of your neck between his lips before he starts sucking gently as well as slowly moving his fingers against the lacey fabric between your legs.

"Yes, it's yours", you reply, after several weeks of being intimate with Kyoutani you've learned one thing and that's how much he loves hearing you say all those dirty and lewd things, "please fuck me."

"Patience, my love, patience. I am going to fuck you", Kentarou replies calmly and suddenly pushes you away, his hands disappearing from your body and when your lid flutter open because of the lack of touch, he shoots you one of his cocky smirks, "but let's not forget the whole friend situation, hm? What about you make it up to me before I fuck you like the little whore you are?"

His words have excitement rush through your blood, your head literally spinning just from the thought of finally getting to be on the giving end after weeks of him playing the selfless lover.

You nod eagerly, anticipation sparkling in your eyes as you watch him palm himself over his sweats before you get on your knees and wait for him to let go of his now fully erect cock.

However, the more seconds pass by like this, the more nervous you become because for some reason you suddenly remember that you've basically never sucked dick before.

Your head shoots up with slight panic written all over your face and of course Kyoutani notices your change in demeanor right away.

"What's wrong, angel?", he asks you and stops the movements of his hands.

"I don't know how to do it, Tani", you whisper, knowing there's no point in being shy about it, after all he happens to be the guy you've experienced your most firsts with.

"It's okay, baby, I'm going to help you”, Kyoutani replies and actually loses his composure for a second, “fuck baby, don't look at me like this when I'm literally about to fuck your throat", he hisses, throwing his head back as he grunts and his hips desperately bucking into the air.

Kyoutani takes another deep breath before he finally pushes his hand underneath the waistband of his sweats and with your eyes focused on his movements, you watch him pull out his hard length, a soft hiss falling past his plump lips when the coldness of the room grazes the slightly wet tip of his cock.

You gulp harshly, his impressive size in girth as well as length has your pussy throbbing like crazy, yet you can't help but wonder how the hell he's going to fit inside of you.

“Don't worry, baby, I know you're going to take all of my cock like the good girl you are", Kyoutani says after observing your facial expressions for some time.

"Give me your hand", he asks you softly, his voice still raspy and incredibly hoarse yet still soothing and you appreciate his attempts to calm himself down so you won't feel too nervous. With your heart slamming against your rib cage, you lift your hand up and are slightly overwhelmed at the sudden feeling of Kyoutani's warm spit pooling inside your palm. Without adding anything, he straightens himself and motions you to stroke his hard cock.

Not once do you stop looking at him as you wrap your fingers around the base of his impressive length and slowly start jerking him off.

Kyoutani cocks his head to the side, his bottom lip pulled in between his teeth and his eyes constantly fluttering close.

"Start with the tip, angel- just wrap your lips around it and start sucking, but be careful with your teeth, yeah baby?", he grunts, his hips thrusting into your fist every time the pace of your strokes slows down.

You give him yet another nod before look up at him one more time and do as he says.

The feeling of his cock between your lips is – different.

It feels like it's not supposed to be there, yet the salty taste of his precum coating your tongue has you sighing softly. Your tongue darts out, giving his tip a tiny kitten lick before you go back to sucking on it eagerly.

And while you seem to enjoy it a lot, Kyoutani is going absolutely crazy. You can see the way he's tensing his body as his grip in the bed sheets tightens and the vein on his neck pops out.

"F-Fuck, baby, just like that", he praises you "now try to take more of it in a-and use your hand for the rest", Kyoutani's voice is shaky, his eyes are nervously roaming your swollen lips and the string of spit connecting them to the tip of his cock.

Without giving it another thought, you take a deep breath and take more of him, trying your best to not graze his sensitive cock with your teeth and despite your initial struggle, you still enjoy the feeling of his cock on your tongue.

You subconsciously wrap your fingers around the part of his cock which you can't fit inside your mouth and suddenly it's like your body knows exactly what to do.

Kyoutani's moans grow louder and the soft thrusts of his hips become a little less controlled. You look up at him every now and then, trying your best to keep the steady rhythm as you bop your head.

And then he suddenly thrusts his length all the way to the back of your throat, your gag reflex just about to go off when he pulls back which is the moment you take notice of the tears streaming down your cheeks.

You give him a soft smile before going back to wrapping your lips around his tip, but you don't get very far.

Kyoutani pulls you back, his grip on the back of your neck not firm enough to hurt you.

"I promise I'm going to fuck your throat properly and even cum in your mouth the next time we do this but right now I just can't stop thinking about that tight cunt of yours", he says, helping you get up and almost instantly pulling you onto his lap; his wet cock rubbing against your panty covered core as Kyoutani pulls you in for a kiss.

It's sloppy and rushed, the way his tongue grazes over yours before he pulls it between his lips and starts sucking at it. Your hips start moving against his cock, your sensitive pussy craving some kind of friction as the arousal has your head spinning like crazy.

You start moaning and whimpering into his mouth when Kyoutani’s hips start meeting your desperate movements, applying the perfect amount of pressure onto your needy clit.

You feel the knot in the pit of your stomach tightening, the clenching of your cunt becoming worse the more you hump Kyoutani's cock like a woman starved.

But nothing prepares you for the feeling of one of his large digits entering you. Your hole start clenching around his finger Kyoutani pushes another one in, both digits buried inside of your little cunt.

"Such a good girl for me, aren't you, baby? I'm going to finger you nice and slow so you're ready for my cock. Now come on, my love; show me what a good whore you are and ride my fingers", Kyoutani encourages you, his hot breath fanning against the sensitive skin behind your ear and without missing a beat, your hips meet the skillful thrusts of his fingers.

Kyoutani continues to whisper naughty things into your ear, his other hand eventually wrapping around your throat as he makes sure you look into his eyes when you stumble over the edge.

Your high hits you hard and fast, the intensity knocking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you gasping for it; something you should be used to by now yet still can't believe is even possible.

He pushes you off of his lap softly, helps you get rid of his shirt as well as your ruined panties before he makes you lay down in the middle of his bed; eyes locking with yours when he also starts undressing.

"My pretty girl", Kyoutani sighs, his hand caressing the soft skin of your thighs, spanking you every now and then just because he's absolutely obsessed with the way your whole body tenses whenever his hand meets your skin.

“Look at me", he orders and almost instantly your head shoots up to meet his gaze, the sight of his naked body distracting you a lot more than you expected but after all this is the first time you get to see the rest of his tattoos; the ones you usually only get a tiny glimpse of depending on his outfit choice.

Kyoutani spreads your legs apart, his eyes never leaving yours even when he starts jerking off again and you can't hold back the soft whimpers and begs leaving your lips.

But also something about his flushed cheeks and swollen lips as well as his messy hair falling into his face has you incredibly turned on.

"We've never talked about this before but are you on the pill, baby?", he asks, pushing one of his thumbs into his mouth before he brings it down to your clit and starts rubbing soft circles into it, making you arch your back off of the mattress as you bury your face in the pillow to keep your noises down.

"N-No", you whisper, a deep sigh coming from Kyoutani and even though you know you shouldn’t do it, you stop him from bending over to the drawer of his nightstand, making him look at you in confusion.

“But I still want you to raw me, please...", you add and gulp harshly when his whole body seems to go into some kind of haze once the words leaveyour lips.

Kyoutani looks at you, his eyes darkening even more as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and lets out a loud moan of your name.

"I can't just raw you, baby", he presses through gritted teeth, his mask slowly falling apart the more you rub yourself against his cock, "you've never had sex without a condom and my pull out game is weak, even weaker when it comes to you because fuck – the thought of filling you up with my cum sounds so fucking good", Kyou groans when you scoot up a little, taking his length into your hand before you line him up with your entrance.

"B-But what if you get pregnant, sweet girl?", he sighs and tries to pull away, making you wrap your arms around his neck as you look into his pretty eyes.

"That will just show everyone around us how well you've fucked me", you whisper and elicit another deep moan from him, his whole body shaking slightly as he tries to hold himself back from just pounding into you.

"Such a cockhungry whore", he hisses and – finally – starts pushing his fat cock into your tiny cunt, the slight stretch making you both gasp for air.

“If that's what you want, then that’s what you get, you little slut. I'm going to fucking raw you and fill you up with all of my cum, make you my cumslut", Kyoutani grunts, pulling your bottom lip between his teeth before he harshly grabs your face and looks into your eyes as he buries more of himself inside of you.

"F-Fuck, you're big", you whimper, throwing your head back and trying your very best to stop clenching around his cock.

“We're almost there, baby- you got this, s-stop clenching", Kyoutani grunts against your parted lips. Without a warning, Kyoutani pushes the rest of his huge cock inside of you, bottoming out completely.

“F-Fuck...you’re so– tight”, Kentarou grunts, his fingers digging into the flesh of your hips as he buries his face in the crook of your neck, “it’s like you’ve never been fucked before.”

“S-So good...so fucking good, nngh-”, your little whimpers and whines are slurred, barely coherent as the feeling of being filled to the brim pushes you into a haze of pleasure.

You feel the pulsation of his cock against your spongy walls, his hands nervously roaming your body and groping one of your tits, as he obviously tries to calm himself down.

And then he finally starts moving.

A deep, guttural moan leaves the both of you when he pulls himself out of your tight hole, dragging his huge cock along the walls of your little cunt in the most delicious way possible before he almost brutally shoves himself back in again.

“Mhm, just like that, you little brat”, he grunts, sitting up on his knees as he pushes your legs further apart, his eyes focusing the way his fat cock stretches your hole just how he’s been imagining it all this time, “coming up to me and talking about having your little cunt rawed like some cumhungry little whore.”

You start nodding almost instantly at his words, your brain barely recognizing them, the only thing you can focus on being the way the tip of his cock grazes the entrance to your womb with every harsh, brutal thrust of his hips.

His thrusts find a steady rhythm, hard and so, so deep.

“Open your mouth”, Kyoutani grunts, a single drop of sweat finding its way down the center of his tattooed chest, the sight making you whimper and whine for him even louder as you part your lips as soon as you process his words.

“You know what? I’d rather have you say it”, he suddenly hisses, pulling his cock out of your spasming cunt before he presses your legs together and shoves himself back inside of you with one skilled thrust of his hips.

You have no idea at what point you start crying but by the time Kyoutani's moans and grunts start picking up their pace, you're a sobbing mess.

“S-Say wh-what?”, you sob, hiding your tear and spit stained face behind your hands, not daring to look up at him.

“I want you to ask for my spit and beg for my cum”, Kentarou’s voice grows raspier, the dominance seething through every single one of his words makes it so easy for you to fall even further into the hole of absolute submission, “and stop hiding yourself, angel girl..I wanna watch the way I’m fucking your brains out.”

A row of loud, high pitched whines and a combination of sobs and moans are the only thing you manage to respond with, your brain clouded with the feeling of his thick cock dragging along the spongy walls of your cunt.

And before you can even comprehend his next movement, you hear the loud sound of skin meeting skin followed by the delicious feeling of a sting sending jolts of pain through your body, something you’ve come to love after so many hours with the tattoo artist.

“I told you to ask and beg for it, angel girl..you’re making me wait”, Kentarou spits, never once halting the movements of his hips as he watches the way you start sobbing even more, your cunt spasming around his cock after his painful spank.

“Please...f-fuck, please spit in my mouth and my face and on my cunt- want it all”, you start brabbling, another row of incohrent begs following right afterwars as your hips sloppily meet his harsh thrusts, “I want you to stuff me full of your cum, too- please, Daddy, wanna be your little c-cumdumpster.”

“There you go..”, Kyoutani’s plump lips stretch into a big smile as his cock throbs at the sound of that one forbidden little word he’s come to love even more after hearing it from you only a handful of times.

He didn’t hesitate to tell you about how much it turns him on around two weeks after the two fo you had started dating and even though he never really expected you to use it, he was secretely hoping for you to overcome your shyness.

You had used it only twice before when the pleasure had gotten too much for your brain to handle and Kyoutani knew you’d stop holding yourself back as soon as you got a taste of his cock.

“What did you just call me, pretty girl?”, he cooes, giggling softly at the way you whimper and cry even harder, knowing oh so well what he wants to hear.

And for the first time you just can’t get yourself to argue with the little voice in the back of your head; the feeling of his cock stretching your tiny cunt making it so, so easy to just let go of all those doubts and worries.

“Please, Daddy”, you reply and look into his eyes, groping your own tits as you arch your back to feel him even deeper inside of you, “n-need your cum inside of me...please- want everyone to know who I belong to.”

You don’t really expect it, yet your pussy almost instantly start clenching around his cock when kyoutani harshly grabs your face, making you part your lips before he spits into your mouth.

The loud, lewd sound of it rings in your ears in the best way possible and acting like a literal aphrodisiac in combination with the delicious taste of his saliva coating the hot muscle of your tongue.

You hum softly before you swallow it all, a gentle sob escaing your lips before you look up at him again.

"Now go on, angel girl”, he growls, pushing his hand in between your legs to rub circles into your hardened clit, “I want you to cum for me. Be a good little dumpster for your Daddy and show me what only I can do to you.”

You can barely process his words, the lewdness just fueling the fire in the pit of your stomach as you lose yourself in the feeling of your upcoming high. But you still start nodding, cringing at the feeling your saliva dripping down your jawline.

And with one last thrust, you feel your high crashing down onto you with such heaviness, you're left absolutely breathless.

Your whole body is trembling as the waves of your orgasm hit you, a row of incoherent words leaving your lips before you stop trying and just start crying for your precious Daddy.

"That's my baby”, is the first thing your brain manages to process again, everything still a blurry mess and when you look at Kyou, you realize you’re still cumming.

Your cunt is almost painfully spasming around his big cock, your juices dripping down the sides of his length as he helps you ride out your orgasm.

“You’re such a good, good girl for Daddy, aren’t you? I'm so proud of you", Kyoutani praises you, his thrust a little sloppier than before and from the way he's digging his fingers into the skin of your waist, you can only assume that he's also quiet close, "you're also going to take all of Daddy’s cum, right, baby? We gotta make sure I fill you up nicely..."

You take a deep breath, your slightly overstimulated cunt sending shivers down your spine as your eyes focus on Kyoutani's parted lips.

"Please, Daddy...need you to fill me up with your cum", you encourage him and when you slowly push two of your fingers into his mouth, knowing how much he loves to suck on them no matter what situation you’re both in, you finally get to see his whole face crunch up in pleasure.

His body tenses up as his grip on your waist becomes firmer before he starts cumming inside of you with a deep, raspy moan; coating the walls in several shades of white with three thick spurts of his cum.

Kyoutani buries his face in the crook of your neck as he slowly calms down, loud breathing and rushed gasps for air the only thing to fill the inside of his empty room.

"I love you so much", he whispers and gives you a soft kiss, his cock still firmly buried inside of your sensitive cunt before he shoots you a soft smile; looking almost boyish with his glossy eyes and flushed cheeks.

"I love you, too, D-Daddy”, you whisper, gulping harshly as the words leave your lips, feeling yourself grow even smaller underneath his strong yet comforting gaze, “thank you for giving us a chance", you add and pull him into for another kiss.

"Kyoutani Kentarou, your favorite group of walking disappointments is back and better than ev - oh", Iwaizumi Hajime, Kyoutani's High School best friend, fellow tattoo aritst and roommate suddenly yells and almost brutally slams open the door, startling you to the last bone in your body.

Kyoutani is quick to cover you up with his body, his hand reaching for one of the blankets on the floor as he grunts in annoyance.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know–", "What is it, Iwa-Chan? Is he jerking off again? Kyoutani Kentarou you little piece of shit, just go and fuck that–", just like Iwaizumi, Oikawa – who also happens to be his best friend, felow tattoo artist and roommate – comes to stand in the doorway, bumping into his best friend before he finally spots the two of you.

"You're naked", he points out, closing his eyes almost instantly after realizing what he has just come to witness and despite the disgusting feeling of wanting to disappear and never come back again, you can't help but giggle at their shocked and slightly disgusted faces.

Kyoutani takes a deep breath and pulls out of you, still making sure to hide you behind his body before he hands you the blanket and lets his eyes shift to the door, looking at his best friends in pure disbelief.

"Kawa stop fucking staring and – can you two please fuck off?", he yells, pulling the boys back to reality and the way both of them shift to look at you only to blush from their necks to their ears has you chuckling softly.

This type of situation is nothing you’re not used to – unfortunately.

"Uhm – of course! Oh, my fucking God! So sorry, Kyou", Iwaizumi stutters and wraps his fingers around the doorknob, avoiding your eyes as much as he can before he pushes Oikawa away and then closes the door with another row of apologies.

Kyoutani just looks at you apologetically as he shakes his head and face palms himself, making the both of you burst into loud laughter.

And after taking a shower together and actually eating some late dinner with the boys, you fall asleep with Kyoutani's arms tightly wrapped around your waist, his face buried inside the crook of your neck and one last love confession.

And when those sweet words fall past his lips yet again, you realize – you're finally home.

[ banner source ]

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Hey darling ❤️ love your writing 3000 :) can u do one with Bucky x reader (they’re together) where he overhears the reader on the phone with her parents that are emotionally & verbally abusive towards her (they always have been) and the reader has to explain it all to him afterwards even tho she’s having a panic attack (bc she’s afraid bucky will leave her since she has no one else to go to ??) and bucky comforts her and reassures her that he’s gonna be there for her and like comfort fluff? I live in an emotionally abusive and manipulative household rn and I tell you your fics are like an escape for me. Even if u don’t do this thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

Hey there, I love you 3000 ❤ I am so so sorry to hear about your situation, and while I'm glad to hear that my writing is an escape for you, I want you to know that I'm here for you. No one should have to go through what you described. I hope that this can bring you some comfort but please, I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you. My DM's are open as well, you shouldn't face this alone. I'm here for you!!!

You owe them nothing

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3200 (ish)

Warnings: emotional abuse/gaslighting, manipulation, parent issues, tears, angst, breakdown, fluff.

---------

You really tried to keep it hidden. It wasn’t something that everyone needed to know about.

Your parents loved you, at least that’s what they had said. But it was one of those things where you felt like it was for show - the kindness that they showed when you were around others faded away once you were alone with them.

You remember once they had said “of course I love you, I’m your parent!”

But that made you wonder how they would treat you if you weren’t theirs.

They were horrible to you for as long as you could remember. Gaslighting you and making you feel like you owed them something even though they were the ones who should have taken care of you.

They were around but never…there. They would be there for family dinners but they were always riddled with criticisms of grades and who you were talking to and how you dressed. All of your hobbies were seen as a waste of time, something you should only do when you had nothing else to do. School came first, naturally, but there was always something they told you you had to do before you could do anything for yourself.

Yet when you would complain about being depressed, they told you to get a hobby because you never do anything.

Tired meant lazy, energetic and passionate meant loud and annoying. When you were quiet they thought you had nothing to say, yet when you expressed your opinions you were told to shut up.

You couldn’t win.

You could never make them happy, there was always something you were doing wrong.

They thought it was their right to monitor who you talked to and saw, what you did outside of school, what sports you could join. When you would say no to the school dances or parties you would make up an excuse about not wanting to go or having work to do. Your friends would call you a buzz kill. Little did they know you would give anything to go.

Whenever you would do something wrong (or anything, period,), your parents would yell at you. They would curse you out, make you cry, only to yell at you for crying like a little bitch.

The older you got, the worse it was.

You thought when you moved out it would be better. But you had all these years of being told you were worthless and having them be your providers. When you got your own place you didn’t really have any friends, nor did you really know how to make friends. You had a job to help you get by, you could support yourself. That wasn’t the issue. You could support yourself, you always had to.

It was that you were so lonely.

You wanted friends but you were so afraid of the criticism you would get. You were afraid to make yourself known, because you were always taught that being told what to do and taught what to think was much more appealing than having your opinion.

But this was an opinionated world.

You were good at what you did, so good that you had gotten a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. You thought that would make you happy, more importantly that it would make your parents happy, but no such luck.

“I got a really great job, guys.”

“Fantastic. I guess you’re just doing so great without us,” they had snapped.

“What? I mean… this is what you wanted right? For me to get a good job?” you had said, confused.

You heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Of course we do, what are you crazy about? Of course we wanted you to get a good job but you just deserted us like we were trash. Have we done nothing for you?”

You felt your heart sink in your stomach. ‘Of course you guys have, I love -”

“Don’t say what you don’t mean. If you really cared about us you’d be helping us out. You got a great job and probably have a huge paycheck that you hoard and you left us here to struggle to make ends meet.”

You took the phone away from your face temporarily to take a shaky breath. Of course they would go there with the salary, why wouldn’t they? All of your paychecks had gone to them, since it was their house and they were feeding you, leaving you with barely enough money for your car and gas and phone bills, only for them to suggest longer hours when you complained.

“I can help you guys out if you need,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady.

You heard an exasperated sigh on the other line again. “You really should be more grateful, you know? We raised you your entire life and then you leave us alone? You never even call us? You’re so fucking selfish.”

Then the line went dead.

You shook your head and felt tears in your eyes as you spoke to yourself. “Well maybe I would call you if it didn’t always yell at me.”

Of course, you would never say that.

See, it wasn’t so bad. You never said anything because they were only ever mean to you, which would make you uncomfortable. There were people out there that would get hit or who would have to raise themselves from a young age. Once you grew thick skin it wasn’t so bad, you were just being dramatic.

Right?

Your new job was fairly successful, you were fantastic at what you did. You did a lot of behind the scenes work, weapon repair and plans of action with missions. Not that they needed much help with that. Still, they took you in as their friends.

Well, as close as you would let them get to as friends.

It took a while before you warmed up to them. Everyone tended to keep to themselves, but not as much as you. You kept the parts of you hidden away - you were there for a job, you did it, and you did it well. You knew how to do your job but interacting with the team, making friends - you didn’t want to get emotionally attached.

Not like you knew how to make friends to begin with.

Naturally you were drawn to the quieter side of the team, once you were able to open up. They were all nice but sometimes the parties and the jokes were a bit much. You just didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing that would make you the punchline.

No one needed to know about you, or how you would spend your free time being yelled at through a phone with you trying to make it better. That wasn’t part of the job, so you shouldn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like anyone would want to help. You were just a nuisance to everyone around you.

Right?

No one talked about their life before the team much. Not many people on the team had a great life before the Avengers first came together. Natasha or Wanda had once spoken about how this team was a family. And as much as you wanted to believe it, you helped the team. You weren’t a part of the team. So even if that were true, it didn’t include you.

At least, that was your point of view.

The team viewed you as a part of the team as much as any of them. You didn’t fight with them but you made sure everything would go as smoothly. You were kind and great at what you did, but they wished you would open up more. Of course, being a team of people who had trouble opening up, they understood.

Bucky was one of the ones who took a liking to you, mostly because he saw a lot of himself in you. He could tell there was something that you were trying to get past but weren’t quite able to yet. That there was something bothering but you wouldn’t dare say it for fear of bothering someone. You threw yourself into projects and distractions and from the way you carried yourself, he guessed you were avoiding something that you weren’t ready to work through. At least, not yet.

He knew that feeling too well.

The ex-assassin was one of the easiest for you to open up to because he didn’t expect much from interactions. Both of you were quiet and kept to yourselves that there wasn’t much pressure to share anything or say anything. You knew his past but would never bring it up unless he wanted to. Which eventually, he did. You could tell he felt pressure to be who he was before HYDRA took him, and while Steve was surprised he opened up to you first, you weren’t. Steve knew Bucky before everything, and you didn’t have that bias. He was whoever he was today regardless of who he was yesterday.

And Bucky found comfort in that.

You think you would’ve too, if you thought you deserved it enough to do the same.

See, you were worried that you were making everything worse than it really was. You worried that maybe you were being too sensitive or that what you had grown up with was normal. With everything that everyone on the team went through, a few insults from your parents was hardly anything. You were being dramatic.

There was nothing to be sad or angry about. You just had to get over yourself.

Right?

You were getting by until one night when your parents called, as they did on occasion. You were in the middle of working, so you ignored it. The phone went to voicemail before it started ringing again, and you ignored it, again. The third time you sighed and picked up your phone, turning away from your work.

You took a deep breath before you answered. “Hello?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

You closed your eyes and brought a hand to rub your head. “Well I’m doing fine, thank you, how are you?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. What the fuck are you doing? You’ve been ignoring our calls.”

You stood up to pace the floor slightly, dreading the conversation that was coming. Is it the ‘family is most important’ or the ‘where’s my money?’ speech today? “I’ve been working.”

“What, so work is more important than family now? Is that what this is? You don’t care about us?”

Family speech it is.

“Dad -”

“What if one of us was dying? Huh? Would that be important?”

“Stop it. No one is dying, and I was working. And I have more work to do, so I really have to go.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, I’m your father.”

Gaining confidence you gritted your teeth and snapped, “You know what? I’m an adult now so you can’t tell me what to do.”

There was silence on the other end of the line and you could practically hear the steam coming out of your father’s ears.

At some point Bucky had come down to your working space to check on you, seeing as it was nearly morning. He stopped in the doorway, and seeing you were busy on the phone he thought he would stop by later to give you some privacy. But he stopped when he heard you snap.

You never snap.

“Who do you think you’re talking to you ungrateful little bitch?”

“I’m talking to the people who treated me like shit my entire life and ask me for money when you wouldn’t give me the time of day for 18 fucking years.”

Even you couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. But god did it feel good to say them.

“Are you fucking serious right now? We did nothing for you? What do you think we’ve been doing your whole life? We’ve done everything we did to help you be the best person you could be. You have that job now because of us and you have no right to speak to me that way.”

You chuckled darkly as you looked up at the ceiling, unaware of Bucky’s presence behind you. “My entire life all I’ve ever wanted to do was make you guys proud of me. But you know what? I’m fucking done. You hated me, gaslighted me, and made me hate myself almost as much if not more than you seemed to hate me.”

“I did no such thing you ungrateful -”

“You were supposed to love me and care for me, and all you did was take advantage of me. I’m not your child, I’m a paycheck. I don’t owe you anything because you gave me nothing. So you know what? FUCK. YOU.”

You hung up the phone and tossed it across the room, adrenaline taking over your body as you tried to stop shaking. Because a small part of you felt bad.

But fuck did that feel amazing.

You heard a throat clear behind you and you turned around to see Bucky, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You okay?”

You nodded nervously, rubbing the sides of your arms. “Yeah, I’m fine,” you said, unconvincingly. “How much, uh...how much did you -

“Enough,” he said, pushing himself off of the door frame as he crossed over to you. “Who was that?”

“Bucky, don’t, it’s really fine. I just got a little worked up.”

“Y/n,” he started, looking at you with concern. “Who were you talking to?”

“No one.”

“You don’t get upset like that at no one,” he took your hands in his. “Y/n, you're shaking.”

It was then that you realized your hands were still shaking, trying to keep the anxiety of what happened at bay.

It’s going to be so much worse now.

I can never talk to them again.

Is that a good thing? Didn’t I want that?

Bucky could sense you getting lost in your head. “Sweetheart, tell me what happened, please. I want to help you.”

You pulled your hands away from his and crossed your arms. “You can’t help me because there’s nothing wrong, okay? I handled it, it’s over. Done. nothing to worry about.”

“Y/n -”

“No really, there’s nothing you can do, okay?”

“Will you at least let me try?”

You looked at him, adrenaline starting to drain from your system. This was Bucky, your Bucky, who had never done anything but love and support you. He had never done anything to hurt you.

But what if he left you too?

You took in a sharp breath and curled in on yourself, a scared look on your face. Bucky crossed back over to you, seeing a scared look on your face.

“Hey, hey, y/n? Can you look at me?”

You brought your eyes up to meet his, feeling your chest constricting as you tried to keep your breathing even. It wasn’t working.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t… I’m fine really I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for,” he pulled you in for a hug and kissed the top of your head. “Let’s go sit down, okay?’

He led you over to your bed and you leaned forward, hands on your knees and head in your hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening, this - I’m sorry, it’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.”

Bucky rubbed a hand up and down your back, hushing you. “It’s not stupid. If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.” Bucky took a small breath. “Do you remember all of those times after nightmares and all those panic attacks you would walk me through? How I thought I was being stupid?”

“You weren’t being stupid”

“And neither are you.”

You took some more shaky breaths as tears kept falling down your face. “You’re okay. It’s alright, I’m right here.”

Bucky let you calm down, knowing you would talk about it if you wanted to. He wanted you to talk about it so he could help you (and hurt whoever upset you) but he wouldn’t force you into telling him anything you didn’t want to.

The two of you sat in the silence, Bucky looking at you with soft eyes as you kept your face hidden.

“I haven’t told you a goddamn thing about me. You ever wonder why?”

You looked over at Bucky, eyebrows creased with slight confusion.

“They said blood was supposed to be thicker than water. That family comes first, right? I spent my whole life listening to them and following them and being the perfect kid. I made myself into everything they wanted me to be. And it still wasn’t enough for them.”

Bucky tilted his head slightly. He hadn’t known his parents much before they died but he had always wanted to have more time. But he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that not everyone had good parents.

“You know, I remember thinking that once I made it they would be happy. That if I worked hard enough or went onto do great things that they would be proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted, you know?” you said, voice wavering as you let out a bitter laugh. “But it’s not, you know? Never is, never was, never will be. All they do is take and take and no matter how good I am they’re always gonna hate me because I can’t be perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, y/n.”

“Well that’s what they want me to be. I know I can’t be perfect so I know they’ll never be happy. That they’ll call me ungrateful and selfish for succeeding and for leaving them when they never wanted me to be there to begin with.” You felt tears spill over as you wiped them away. “And I’m ust so fucking done with being a disappointment to them and to everyone else.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I don’t know,” you said softly, not really wanting to be more vulnerable.

Bucky, sensing this was a time he could push you, challenged you. “I think you do.”

You shook your head. “I didn’t want anyone to see me the way they did. I thought what they said wasn’t true but...I just thought that maybe I was overreacting. Other people have it worse you know - some people have no parents or some have it so much worse. Mine just yell at me you know? Tell me everything’s my fault and that they wish they’d never had me. That I’m ungrateful for not being with them and that I owe them. I just...I heard that for the first 18 years of my life. I didn’t need any more of it.”

“y/n, that’s…” he swallowed, trying to contain his anger. “That’s not normal. No one should have to go through that. You can’t possibly think you're a bad person.”

Your shrug was enough to tell him that you did.

“Y/n, I don’t know who your parents think they are but you don’t owe them a damn thing. You may be related to them but you have no obligation to love your parents if they treat you like that. You have every right to be angry or to hate them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry with someone who hurt you.”

“But they’re my family.”

“Well they didn’t treat you like it. You have us now, you don’t need them anymore. We’re your family. And we’re not gonna leave you.”

“They didn’t leave me Bucky, I left them.”

“You can’t leave someone who was never there for you.”

----------

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[yesimwriting]

Hello! Your Nikolai fic tranquility is so beautiful! Can you write more for Nikolai? Maybe the opposite with reader having a nightmare? Or whatever you want just please give me more! If you have a tagging list I'd love to be included btw :)

A/n hii!! first off,, thank you! i was a little nervous about writing him for the first time,, but i love him so much (even though i love a good villain/morally grey character in love i think nikolai would probably make the least toxic bf in the grishaverse lol)

you gave me a little too much freedom here lol bc i have so many ideas for him!! lowkey might need to give him a longer fic/series soon when i catch up with requests!! WOW THIS FIC IS SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

Summary: Reader is a handmaid who has grown up assisting Nikolai. Through the years, the two have developed a special relationship that most definitely breaks royal protocol--they’re best friends and rivals on a good day, and dangerously close to being something more the second either of them is remotely upset or extremely happy. Learning about the fact that Nikolai was almost engaged to Alina (a good friend of yours) and being reminded of the fact that as royalty Nikolai has many prospects (both serious women worthy of his title and women only suitable for trysts meant to relieve tension) has you both realizing something you should have years ago.

Word count: 31210

Warnings: disclaimer--may not be the most cannon thing ever,, but i wanted the ‘child of the help competes and falls in love with the child of royalty’ energy okay?? Lol

I could do a whole blurb series with this dynamic nikolai x reader,, like just stories of them growing up together and randomly realizing they might like each other romantically?? I probably shouldn’t rn but i ADORE this trope.

--

The perfection of the room is disappointing. Idle hands, idle thoughts--so I work to smooth out a perfect duvet. Still, the thoughts come--aggressive and unavoidable. It’s silly, maybe even sad, to feel possessive over something that’s never been yours, something that could never be yours, but the harder I fight off the feeling the stronger it grows. Jealousy is a weed growing quickly in my chest, vile roots planted firmly in my heart.

Normally my favorite part of the day would be waiting for Nikolai to return to his room in the palace after dinner and his evening duties. He’s always a bit softer in the evenings, during my last check-in of the day. I’m normally thrilled to be done organizing his room early because that means the second he arrives there will be no distraction. Most evenings, he’ll find me perched in the seat by his bed, reading. He’ll mock-scold me for daring to defy his orders and reading ahead from the book we both take turns reading aloud from each night. He then warns me that I better react exactly the way I did when I first read it or else. That threat is always followed by a gentle laugh.

Tonight I’m in no mood for our nightly banter or even our nightly reading. My mother had warned me of the dangers of getting too comfortable with the royal family. I should have heeded that warning when she first gave it to me, the morning she found Nikolai and I fast asleep on a couch in the library as children. The palace likes to bring up the children of the staff by training them to attend to the next generation of royals. It makes the staff more efficient, a lifetime of knowing what someone wants makes you better for them. It also creates some level of connection, making betrayal a little less likely. Nikolai and I might have taken it farther than most. But now I want a reminder of the way we’re supposed to be--maybe if I detach now the bleeding of my heart won’t kill me. That has to remain secret, because if I explain it to Nikolai something in me will break. The one line between us will be crossed.

This will be the sixth secret I’ve kept from Nikolai in my entire life.

--

The secrets:

I don’t know why I was picked for Nikolai. I wasn’t particularly skilled, but still, the day came when my mother was told that I now worked directly for the Lantsov boy. It’s an honor, a true one, but my mother had been a little nervous. To whom much is given, much is expected--and I detested Nikolai. Not for being a prince, but for being a prince who thought girls couldn’t race or fight.

The day my mother came looking for me because I never showed up for dinner and she found Nikolai and I attempting to fight in the way only a ten-year-old girl and eleven-year-old boy would, she had looked truly mortified. Nikolai had only laughed, either oblivious to my mother’s embarrassment or uncaring about it. He had then hugged me--an expression of care that had left me reeling. I saw him more as a rival than someone to tend to, but in that moment I saw him as a friend. Even more so when he told me he didn’t want me to go yet and that he was upset that so much of the day had been wasted by studies that kept him with boring people and away from me. And then he invited me to his lessons--my mother was quick to attempt to decline politely, but the desires of a prince at any age outweigh that of a mother.

After that, everyone kind of just stopped trying to remind us of our propriety. The tutor at first was concerned about my presence, but Nikolai remained stubborn. I wasn’t a big enough deal to cause an argument, so I began to attend lessons with him almost every day, only staying away when my mother needed aid with laundry or cleaning. His parents must have been somewhat aware of our friendship, but they must have been oblivious to our closeness because it was never mentioned.

My mother’s worry began to ease, she’d even started to take some pride when I’d come to our room proudly proclaiming that I scored two marks higher than Nikolai. She did, however, warn that it might be more tactful to let him score higher.

The comment was casual, just a suggestion, but it left me feeling wrong. It was the first time since we met that I had thought about our different statuses. I didn’t tell him--and that was the first secret I ever kept from him.

As we grew, we traded physical competition for academic rivalry, trying to best each other in both lessons and games of strategy like chess and cards. But with growing comes responsibility. Nikolai started to have obligations that were meant to be private. I couldn’t follow him at all times. But he’d always come back from locked door meetings grinning like he carried schoolyard gossip instead of government secrets. He shared everything with me, even when I playfully warned against it.

He’d always step closer when I teased that perhaps he shouldn’t tell me everything. And then he’d say, “If I can’t trust you, then I can’t trust anyone--and I don’t want to live in a world like that.” Often, he’d give my hand a light squeeze before moving on like he had not said anything intimate.

On a day in which Nikolai was in one of those meetings, I became a woman. When I first saw the blood, I had been horrified--but my mother was quick to explain that it was natural. She said that I was now a woman, a wonderful thing, really--but a thing that came with obligations. She told me that I could no longer have the impromptu ‘sleepovers’ with Nikolai unless he ordered it. I told her he’s never ordered me to do anything for him.

She didn’t ease, something in her had started to become nervous again. My mother had recently started to act the way she did when Nikolai and I first became friends. I didn’t want to fall asleep in Nikolai’s bed while I was bleeding, but I didn’t want to never have another sleepover with him again. Especially not when she refused to explain why being a woman changed so much.

I had decided to avoid Nikolai as much as possible until the sting of my mother’s new rule faded. Unfortunately, that night Nikolai was extra talkative--excited as he insisted I stay for a little longer. Soon, I found his familiar good naturedness melting away my nerves and before I knew it I was laughing in the middle of the night. When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I had moved from the chair, ready to head back to my room.

Nikolai had looked at me oddly before he asked why would I leave so late when it would be easier for me to just sleepover? It was an innocent question, he did not know about my change and I had wanted to keep it that way.

I tried playing coy, but Nikolai has always had a talent for getting around my better judgement. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I remember him standing in front of me. It was the first time I noticed how much had actually changed over the years--he was now taller than me for the first time in his life. His hair had started to grow a little longer, golden and soft-looking--and his face seemed much more angular. But he had not lost his boyish charm.

“Y/n?” My name fell softly from his lips, and that was the first time I had ever noted the fullness of them. I didn’t understand why I considered that something worth noting. “Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

Perhaps I had been a little curt--nerves and hormones had left me not feeling like myself. I didn’t tell him about the bleeding, I couldn’t. That became the second secret I kept from him--but I did tell him that my mother had told me I was a woman now, and that women can’t have sleepovers. Not with those of the opposite gender. I made no effort to hide my confusion because I expected him to be as perplexed as I was. But he was not confused--in fact, he had the audacity to laugh. My face flushed, but I did not know why.

“Why is that funny?” Maybe he thought I was still too much of a child to be considered a woman. I assumed it a fair assumption, I had not grown the way he had--my shoulders had not become sturdier and I had not become particularly broader. Still, I would rather melt into the floor than tell him about the reason my mother now considered me a woman. “My mother did say that, and I don’t know what being a ‘woman’ has to do with staying in your room at night.” Something strange had crossed over his features then, something much more brooding than I was used to.

I had blinked at him as unexplained nerves pooled in my stomach. Perhaps that look would have been enough to keep me silent if he had managed to not grin. That self-assured grin that had always challenged me. “Well since you know everything about my mother now, maybe you can tell me why she’s been acting strange. She’s starting to act the way she did when we first became friends.” I expected him to at least pretend to be worried. Perhaps his parents had spoken to her and had mentioned wanting our friendship to end. But his grin had only grown. Pride left me angry. “She did say that I could stay if you ordered it--but I’m glad you’ve never ordered me to do anything, so I can leave right now because you’re acting as odd as her. I don’t understand what you could find funny about our friendship ending.”

He had stopped me from storming out of his room by placing one hand on the wall between me and the door. “Y/n, don’t be cross--I’ll explain it all, I promise.” Angry pride made me want to storm away from him, but curiosity and something unknown and warm kept me in place. “Do you remember when we read the play about the rival families, how the two main characters had kissed?”

I remembered that part of the play especially well. The concept of kissing so casually, outside of marriage, had been jarring to me. “Yes.”

“Now that we’re older, your mother must be worried that we might do that.” He paused before leaning against the arm he placed on the wall to keep me from leaving a little more. “Kiss.”

The clarification was not needed--in that brief pause, I had allowed myself to imagine no distance between our lips. Something in me burned with embarrassment when I realized that some part of me found the thought appealing. The only thing I wanted in that moment was assurance that Nikolai would never know I felt that. That was my third secret, and the weight of it was heavy against my chest.

Still, though, all of my confusion had not yet left. “Is there much harm in a kiss?”

The question had left an odd smile on his lips. “There’s potential harm in what it could lead to for the woman, but not so much for the man.” He exhaled slowly as my face tensed. He could always read me too well because he was quick to add, “What it could lead to isn’t a bad thing, it’s meant to be pleasurable, but it’s serious.” I did not understand, but a part of me was starting to grow okay with that. Nikolai’s voice had started to become lower than ever, and his gaze remained tense. Perhaps if I accepted the confusion for now, things could go back to normal. If the conversation ended, I could stop thinking of his lips and his hands and what it would mean for them to touch me. “It’s considered a vice, like drinking or gambling.” The additional comment helped more than it should have. A vice--not scary and not painful, but not something to indulge in. That’s enough explanation for now. “If you want to know, I won’t deny you.”

I appreciated the offer tremendously. The vice that comes after kissing is clearly something that’s been intentionally kept from me. It’s something he was privy to that I was not, and he offered it to me like so much else. But if knowledge that my mother feared us kissing made me think of his lips, then I doubted I could handle knowing what comes after kissing.

“I’ll let you know when I want to know, but I appreciate the offer.” It felt like a fair response. His snarky grin came back immediately. Irritation rooted itself in my stomach. I hated not knowing more than him for once, but I still had one question I could not relinquish. “But what does that vice have to do with orders?”

At that, his smugness faltered. “It’s not unheard of, for princes and handmaids--for a prince to obligate a handmaid in order to fulfill his vice. Though many handmaids fill the vice of their own will for benefits.

The explanation left him like a confession. I didn’t understand his hesitance--it’s not like he’d ever make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Even when I worked, he was hesitant to ask me to go out of my way to bring him a glass of water. And I couldn’t imagine gaining anything from offering Nikolai something I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t naive to the fact that my life had more privileges than many palace servants. “Oh.”

His eyes hardened. “You know I’d never--”

“I know.” It was finally easy to smile again. “I never thought otherwise.” Something in him seemed to ease at that, his eyes went from hard to warm in less than a second.

I had no more questions for him and I was also no longer a flight risk, but Nikolai did not move. He did not step back to create a more appropriate distance and he did not drop his arm. His gaze, however, did move--dropping downwards, and slightly away from my eyes. I did the same, my eyes falling to his lips.

The silence between us began to make me feel like something in me was in danger of overflowing. “Then I guess my mother is once again worrying for no reason.” Strangely, I did not feel the need to feel embarrassed about staring at his lips. “Because I would never particularly want to kiss you, Nikolai Lantsov.”

The comment was meant to be teasing, a joke to clear away unknown tension. I should have known better than to challenge his pride because he instinctually moved his hand off the wall and beneath my chin. I did not flinch when he tilted my head upwards slightly with his fingers. “I could get you to want to kiss me if I wanted to.”

Three secrets in one night. I did not think I could bear a fourth one. “Hm…” The ground we treaded on felt unstable, but something in me trusted Nikolai to not let me falter. “I should--I should go before I give my mother anymore cause to worry.”

His fingers had brushed down my chin easily as he dropped his hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

And that he did. The days passed without mention of the last time he asked me to sleepover. It was as if nothing had changed except now I found myself noting things I most definitely did not want to note. These didn’t feel like individual secrets because it felt easy to group each admirational thought into one secret. Soon, that became my new normal--easy banter, easy touches of hands, and easy yet silent admirations of his beauty.

I never wandered too hard about what the vice that kissing can lead to entailed. I didn't particularly want to know, but knowing that I could ask Nikolai at any time brought a sense of security to me. But besides that, I never thought of that conversation until the day I was asked to look for Nikolai because he was late for dinner.

That in itself was odd, most of the time when Nikolai was late it was because he was with you. I checked his room, two other rooms he was known to frequent, and then finally the library. First, I noticed a handmaid two years older than me. I was finally at an age when one begins to compare their beauty to those around them, and I recognized the girl as gorgeous. She was better endowed than me, physically, and she always seemed fun. And then I noticed Nikolai, standing closer to her than I’ve ever seen him stand to anyone. His expression was serious as the girl giggled.

Nikolai’s expression shifted from tense to shocked when he saw me. “Y/n.”

It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize what I had interrupted. Guilt and jealousy were quick to twist in my stomach. “Dinner--your parents sent me to look for you.”

He was quick to walk around the girl, who was quick to glare at me. I attempted to disappear down the hall after mumbling a quick apology, but Nikolai was faster than me.

“Y/n,” he did not hesitate to grab my wrist.

It shouldn’t have irked me the way it did, after all, neither of us had ever really hesitated to touch each other. I had always reached for him when I wanted him, and he had done the same. But the thought of the same hands that touched the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on me left me bitter in a way I didn’t understand.

Still, I pushed through all of that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, your mother asked me to look for you because she assumed you’d be with me when you were late to dinner. I didn’t think that there’d be--”

“You didn’t interrupt anything.” The words came out flat as his eyes took on the same quality they did the night he explained my mother’s concern to me. “Valaria wishes there was something to interrupt, but there wasn’t.”

Oh. I refused to let the correction inflate me. “Would you like me to not come to your room tonight?”

The offer felt awkward to make. “No,” the answer came quickly, “In fact, go there now--I want to see you right after dinner. I’ve missed you today.” The instruction left my face feeling warm. “We could read an extra chapter of our book if you’d like.”

Despite myself, I grinned. “Yes.”

“Looking forward to it.”

True to his word, Nikolai was quick to return to his room. He had come back to me eagerly, going out of his way to squeeze my shoulder as he entered the room.

I opened the book to the chapter we had left off on, but before I could start reading, Nikolai stopped me. “Sit next to me?”

The question came softly. It had been some time since we sat next to each other on his bed. Still, I moved off of the chair and to his bed. Something in me longed for the familiar closeness of childhood. I allowed him to play with my fingers as I read.

“You know you could take one night off from me if you wanted to.” The admission left me softly, part of unsure if he was still paying attention to my words. “She was pretty, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if you told me you wanted me to not come tonight.”

Nikolai exhaled easily, squeezing my fingers once. “I said I wanted to see you and I meant it.”

It took all of my energy to push past the way his words made my stomach leap. “In general, if you ever--”

Nikolai cut me off by laying his head on my lap the way he used to. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the first time in years that he spoke to me in a way that acknowledged his authority. “Keep reading please.”

And that was the last time we had ever mentioned other handmaids in that context. The fifth secret I ever kept from him was the way I worried that one day that would change.

--

The door creaks open while I’m in the middle of fluffing an already pristine pillow. Nikolai steps into the room, but I continue to work.

“Darling,” he breathes too easily, “Today has been painful.” I straighten, looking at him as casually as I can manage. “And now I have to deal with you being mad at me.”

Damn him and his ability to read me with one look. “I’m not mad.”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” he sighs, stepping forward, “We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I press my lips together, irrational anger pushing itself into me at an odd angle. “We’ve also known each other too long to keep secrets.”

His eyebrows draw together, a look so quizzical I’m reminded of our schooling days. “What secrets have I kept from you?”

Mentioning that had been a mistake. I exhale as flatly as possible. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” My dismissal only has Nikolai’s expression hardening. I drop my gaze. “Unless you need something, I’m retiring my services for the evening.”

I take a reluctant step towards the door, eyes attached to the floor. “Y/n,” his voice is gentle. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” Please let that be at least somewhat believable. “I’m sure I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” I take another step, a little more assured. Nikolai’s hand is on my shoulder before I can escape. “Nikolai--”

“Y/n,” his voice is that of velvet, “I can’t have you be mad at me. Not now.”

Sighing, I meet his gaze. The tiredness I see behind his eyes is almost enough to chase away my nerve. What I’d give to be able to melt into our familiar routine. “Then you should have told me you were almost engaged to a literal Saint--the same literal Saint who’s one of my closest friends.”

Nikolai’s expression shifts as his hand drops from my shoulder slowly, fingers brushing down my arm before he finally intertwines our fingers. I bite my tongue to avoid squeezing his hand, but I don’t move to separate us either. He studies me silently, eyebrows drawn together. The longer he stares, the more whatever turmoil he’s experiencing seems to dissipate. After a minute of silence, I can read his expression perfectly. His lips are pressed together in that coy way--the way he only looks when he’s suppressing a smile.

I loathe him for it. “Nikolai Lantsov, don’t you dare laugh--not after what you did. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have Alina casually mention the fact that you almost married her casually? Like that was common knowledge to everyone but me?”

My words break away the last of his self control. He grins, flashing his annoyingly perfect teeth. “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to want nothing more than to see you and then you let me believe something may actually be wrong when the only issue is your jealousy?”

The amusement in his tone is like poison to me. I find the strength to jerk my hand away from him. “I am not jealous.” He laughs; I am further enraged. “I am not.” The genuineness of my anger must finally register on some level, because he tries to suppress his smile. “I have every right to be mad at my best friend for not telling me that he was almost married.”

“We didn’t exactly come close,” he manages, expression still much too light for my taste. “I’m glad for Alina’s sake, I’m not sure being a Saint would be enough to protect her.”

He is infuriating. “I’m not sure anything you have will be enough to protect you.”

Something in his gaze shifts, softening the tilt of his mouth. “I don’t doubt that.”

I don’t know what I expected from him--but not this. I thought he’d be at least somewhat apologetic. “You should have told me.”

“I would have if I felt it was significant.”

“I’m your best friend--your marriage is significant to me. And even though it’s not like you’re engaged to her right now, you should have told me. You know I talk to Alina all the time.”

He sighs once, a hint of apology threatening to ghost over his eyes. “If I knew not knowing would have upset you so much I would have told you. I was--I was just so excited to be around you again I didn’t see much relevance in anything that didn’t involve you.”

The intensity that Nikolai regards me with is enough to wither all of my fury. But without my anger, I am left spiraling in emotion that I’ve been pushing against for years. My mother’s warning about relationships with those above us rings in my ears--sharp and headache inducing. I am still when he reaches for my hand again, but I do no allow myself to return the gentle squeeze of his fingers.

“I’m not sure much outside of you has significance.” He’s giving me a look I am familiar with. A look he often uses to chase away my anger.

Without my anger, I have nothing to keep me from melting into him, indulging in his presence fully. It’s so easy with him and I blinded myself to the danger of that. He may not be marrying Alina, but one day he will marry someone. A person worthy of his status--and what would I be left doing? Washing their laundry? Tearing up when I dusted the library and came across a book we had read together? Enough damage has already been done--I need to cut myself with this blade now in hopes of making sure I can one day recover.

He will get married one day, and nothing will be the same. And that’s a good thing--he deserves the love of a princess or queen. I want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. But some vindictive part of me hopes that some part of him will miss me. That some part of him will be dulled without me.

I’m a fool--he will remember me as the handmaid from his youth. The girl who made him laugh once or twice before he grew up. I force my hand out of his grasp. “You can’t win me over with words every time.” I need to get out of here before he says something that makes me lose all resolve. “Tomorrow morning I’ll be here to prepare you for breakfast.”

“Y/n.”

I step forward, refusing to look at him. “Goodnight.”

He sighs, his hand quick to grab my arm. Before I can question him I feel myself pulled back. I expect him to pull me just close enough so that I have to meet his gaze. He continues, pulling me sharply before placing a quick hand on my shoulder, forcing me down. My back hits his bed.

I sit up as soon as the reality of what just happened seeps into my mind. “Nikolai, what in the Saints--”

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one.”

I scoff, thoughts of escaping him put on hold by the principle of pride. Fine. I’ll beat him one last time, and then I’ll let us separate. I shove him. He laughs--of course this is funny to him. He got to keep fighting past the age of about eleven. His laughter adds to my anger, I move to shove him again, but he catches my wrist easily. I struggle against his hold, shoving him a third time with my still free hand. He pushes me slightly. That’s all it takes to unleash familiar habits.

Our small fight is hardly fair. He has all the advantage--more training, and he’s standing above me. When I finally make a move that might give me some success, Nikolai leans forward. He practically tackles me, his weight forcing me flat against the bed.

I move an arm, ready to push him off of me. Nikolai snags my wrists, holding them above my head. “This means I win.” I roll my eyes, anger returning.

“Let me go.”

He sighs tiredly, but the smugness radiating off of him is suffocating. “Admit that you were jealous.”

There are a lot of things I am willing to do for him--but never that. I cannot give him the one separation I still have. “I wasn’t.”

“Then why are you mad?”

I press my lips together. “I told you--”

“Do you really think you could lie to me?”

“You don’t know me that well.”

Nikolai moves his freehand, touching my chin as a way to ask me to look at him. I meet his gaze hesitantly. “Yes, I do, and that’s never bothered you before but it does now.”

Maybe this is a conversation better had bluntly. “It bothers me now because you’re too old to hold onto the daughter of a palace handmaid and I’m too old to pretend that our different statuses don’t matter.”

“Y/n,” he breathes, “Nothing’s changed. Status didn’t matter to me when we were children, and it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“You can afford to say things like that.”

“What good is my title if it means I can’t,” he pauses, eyes hesitant, “If I can’t keep things the same between us?”

I smile, the sadness of the look weighs on me and I can’t even see it. “Nikolai, you always knew things would change.”

“No, I--”

“You can’t tell me you think your future wife would like you having such a close relationship with a handmaid.” I press my lips together. “One day you’ll fall in love and get married and you’ll want me to leave your bedchamber as soon as dinner is over because you’ll be eager to spend time with your wife.” His gaze hardens. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thi--”

The last syllable of my sentence dies in my throat. Nikolai, who must be possessed by something, leans down and presses his lips against mine. I beg myself to resist, but his gentleness is everything I’ve ever wanted. He releases my hands in favor of holding my face. That’s all it takes--my hands move without my permission, into his hair--pulling him closer to me. What am I doing? I’m insane. Placing my hands on his chest cautiously, I push just slightly. He’s quick to obey, pulling away while allowing his teeth to brush against my bottom lip.

I gape at him--taking in his now slightly swollen lips. “Nikolai.” He can’t do this to me. We’re friends. Despite the fact that I’ve loved him more than I should--we’re friends. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

He draws his eyebrows together, sitting up quickly and moving off of me. “I’m being unfair? I have spent my entire life loving y--”

I sit up, furious in a new way. “You have not!” This is the dumbest I have ever been. I move to stand, still feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

“Your tooth fell out.” The sharpness of his words forces me to still.

“What?”

I can’t bring myself to turn and look at him, but I’ve always been able to feel any heaviness he bears. The weight of it leaves little room for air in my lungs. “You were ten. I told you ‘girls couldn’t fight’ so you punched me in the face. That was the first time we ever fought--I didn’t mean to hit you in the face, but you moved. You moved and I hit you in the mouth and your last baby tooth fell out. I expected you to cry or get angry, but you just blinked at me and laughed. You were happy to lose your last baby tooth because it meant you were grown up. And then you smiled and asked me if you looked older. If anything, the gap in your smile made you look younger but I told you that you looked like a grown-up because I wanted you to keep smiling. Because your smile made me feel like I won something.” I turn on my heels, but I cannot meet his gaze. “That was the moment I fell in love with you--so don’t tell me I haven’t spent my entire life loving you.”

The weight of his words is harder to survive against than the heaviness of his feelings. “Nikolai, you know we can’t ever be together--”

“Why not?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I manage, voice low, “You almost married the Sun Summoner--”

“That was political--”

“Exactly, your marriage is meant to be political, and if it happens to be out of love--which is what I hope you get, because it is what you deserve--it will be to someone of status.”

Nikolai stands, the movement is that of a king, not the boy I know. “I do not want status or to love someone else--I want you.”

“I can’t take that from you--”

“You can’t take anything from me because I’ve already given it all to you.”

I press my lips together, heart tearing for him. “I love you too much to ruin you.”

My words seem to snap something in him because his eyes darken, the way he watches me adjusting accordingly. “You can’t ruin something that’s always been yours.”

I let myself smile. At him. At his words. At the foolish hope the child in me has clung to after all of these years. I reach for him thoughtlessly, because I have the right to. Because I’ve always had the right to. He’s quick to respond, kissing me with much more security than before.

This time, he pulls away of his own regard. “You still haven’t admitted that you were jealous.”

His teasing smugness isn’t as sour to me anymore. “I wasn’t.”

Nikolai pulls me towards him easily, lips threatening to brush against me, warm breath against my face. “Are you sure, darling? You were awfully quick to claim what’s yours.”

I roll my eyes, grinning so widely I’m surprised my face doesn’t yet hurt. “You’re the one that fell for a ten-year-old girl with a bloody mouth.”

When he smiles back at me, he places a hand on my hip, pulling me forward slightly. “That I did.” He pulls me forward slightly. "Does this mean you can sleep in here again?"

"If anything, this is more reason for me to sleep in another room." He rolls his eyes, pulling me even closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

Nikolai leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Deal."

tags: @deardiarystuff @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

[littlemisslipbalm]

green is a magical color

Josh Kiszka x Fem!reader

Summary: With a special outfit for her college's biggest party of the year, Y/N has strangers coming up to her all morning. When one particular stranger invites her to a house show later, she feels like her life is about to change.

pls that fucking gif lmao, like I don't picture this era of josh but it's probably more accurate to the time period it kind of seems to be taking place in

ok so I wrote this whole thing ab this story and an update on stuff and now I'm annoyed bc Tumblr fucking deleted it and so I don't have much to say but I hope you enjoy this fun little silly piece I wrote based on my weekend last week and it's supposed to be silly! More long serious stuff is on the way and I'm super excited about all of it.

Word Count: 6.5k | Warnings: smut (not graphic, 18+ still), swearing, drinking, weed, idk college!au kind of idk how to explain it

“Y/N!!” Her friends screamed in unison as she walked out of the bathroom. She had just finished getting ready and did a little twirl for them.

Her St. Fratty’s outfit consisted of a green and white floral patterned swimsuit and green jeans that were unbuttons and rolled down to show off the bottoms of the swimsuit. To finish it off, she had on a green bob wig, fun green eye makeup and glitter all over her skin that wasn’t covered i.e. her face, chest, neck, arms, stomach and entire back.

A white claw was already in her hand as she walked out and smiled at everyone, her eyes sparkling despite how early it was.

On St. Fratty’s, the Saturday before actual St. Patrick’s day, the entire college campus woke up at 5 am or earlier to begin pregaming and simply gaming for the day. Y/N had woken up at 5:20 and began drinking by 5:40 am. It was the earliest she had ever gotten completely ready for an event and began drinking before the sun even started to rise. It was exhilarating – and not to mention only a few hours after she had gotten home from a semi-formal dance for a club she was in on campus. But that's besides the point.

Her and her friends pregamed with the sounds of loud music to trick their bodies into not thinking about just how early and absurd it was to be up right now. They laughed and took pictures, easily sliding into a drunken state.

At 6:45, they felt significantly drunk enough to make their way to one of the many parties they had heard about going on already. The earliest one they had been invited to had started at 6 am and they were only just a little late, but 6:45…that’s still plent early.

They walked past the school funded booths with water and snacks for the unruly students, like her and her friends. The cops were already out and about, but they had just brough yerba mate tea to drink to keep them feeling awake. While her roommate had complained about the early wake up time, Y/Nhadn’t even let herself think about how early it was – she just turned on the lights and the music and got to work – makeup, wig (and braiding underneath) and clothes and alcohol.

The street that the party was on was a sea of people in green so there was no point in even trying to get to the house. The party had moved into the street and the sea of people was happily drunk and smoking cigarettes every so often. The music wasn’t very loud, but the crowds talking to one another made it go unnoticed. They took some pictures and began to recognize people in the crowd. She talked to this guy who was in a band she had seen last weekend who wasn’t all that great and she complimented him. His name was Dylan and he gave her a hug, but she didn’t think he’d even remember her despite the green wig – he seemed out of it. They saw their good friend from first year, Jason, who hugged her and made her no longer feel like an icicle out in the high 40 degree weather in California in a swimsuit. She had committed but she was cold no matter how much she had drank.

The majority of that crowd was a blur. Random people came up to Y/N asking to add her on Snapchat and get a picture with her, complimenting her outfit and telling her how they loved her whole vibe, how they had wanted to meet her. She laughed and thanked them and told them how great they looked too, how she hoped they had a great day. It was confusing and fun, but confusing.

Just as they were getting ready to run back to the apartment, because one of her friend’s had to pee, someone got her attention. His hair was curly and brown and in the morning sun it looked like a golden halo around his head. He had gold glitter streaked over his cheeks and eyelids, but just a plain white shirt and some dark green pants. She raised her brows at him expectantly and licked her lips, confused as the alcohol began to wear off why someone random was talking to her – as if it hadn’t happened all morning.

“I just had to say ‘hi’,” He starts, a smile on his glossy lips, “You look absolutely awesome. Like you’re gorgeous and you just went all out, I love it.”

She laughs sweetly, once again, realizing he was just another drunk stranger obsessed with her wig. “Thank you – what’s your name?”

“Joshua.”

“Thank you, Joshua,” She repeats with his name. “I’m Y/N, I hope you have a great day! But my friends are going home for a little while so I should probably go with them.”  She wasn’t sure why she used her full name, but something about Joshua made her want to say her full name rather than her nickname for him

“Oh, yeah,” His face fell and she would’ve missed it if she had been as drunk as she was ten minutes ago, but she caught it. “You should come to this concert on Albert, it’s not till 10, $5 at the door, but just say you know Joshua.”

She looked down at her watch and said that it was only just 8 am. 10 am was hours from now and it made her smile.

“Oh really?” She giggles at his confidence that he could get her into a house show for free in this college town. The house shows were always charging at the door and it bothered her to no end because whenever she visited her friends at other colleges house shows were free – like normal. It was just this particular college town. “What, are you like, the lead singer or something?”

“Or something,” He smiles and then looks over her shoulder, hearing someone else call her name.

The green wig turns over her shoulder, following his gaze. Her friends were at the corner of the street and wanting to turn, but not wanting to leave her behind.

“Alright, well, I’ll try,” She turns back and grins at him, which makes him smile back wider. “Good luck if I don’t see you…”

She’s about to turn away, but then she stops herself because another question comes to mind, “Joshua, do you go here?”

He laughs and looks around at the partying crowd around them, “I sure wish I did, but we’re just passing through.”

She nods in understanding and turns to run towards her friends. Her hands went up to her breasts, barely covered by her swimsuit top as she ran, trying to make sure she didn’t have a slip while she ran. With her friends, they laugh and shriek about who Y/N had been talking to.

“Who was that?!” One of them, Jordan, asked loudly.

“He was short.” Another one, Paige, notes.

Y/N rolls her eyes and shoves at her friend’s shoulder, “Shut up, he was hot, but he was just some guy. He was complimenting my look and told me about some house show at 10.”

“Oh my god,” Kira said. “You’re so in the know, it’s so awesome.”

Y/N laughs softly, “No, no, no. He was just being nice or maybe he just wanted to look at me more. It’s not that serious.”

“It’s cool, though,” Kira insists.

Y/N relents and lets it slide as the group shifts focus to Paige having to pee. Joshua stays on her mind for the rest of the walk/jog back to their apartment. She drinks some more and smokes a bit of weed while they re-up on their pregaming to get back out there. As she drinks and thinks about Joshua, she swears she’s seen him before, but he had said he didn’t go to her college, so it was very confusing.

“Was the last guy who came up to me at all familiar?” She finally questions aloud, when the thought won’t stop nagging at her mind.

“I didn’t see him that up close,” Jen said, “He just seemed short and had curly hair and some questionable facial hair. That could be a lot of men at this school”

“You love mustaches,” Y/N shoots back. “And he said he doesn’t go here, he also seemed older.”

“That’s true, I do love them…I don’t know then, if he doesn’t go here,” Jen laughs, but offers nothing else.

A fresh haze of alcohol and weed settles over Y/N, as they walk back out onto the street. It was still cold as it approached 9 am, but she barely noticed it anymore.

They passed through the hoard of people in the road into a frat house that they barely knew anyone in. It was St. Fratty’s, it would have been remiss not to attend at least one. Thankfully, it was a good one. The DJs were hot and spinning good music that they actually mixed well and she was living her best life. With her head lifted to the sky, sunglasses over her eyes and her hands running over her body, she felt completely alive. This was the moment she’d look back on and say that was a college party. It was a fun moment and she felt all her worries fade away for that early hour in the morning. Screw the interal drama that constantly swam through her mind, her issues with her roommate, issues with herself, issues with her major, issues with life. None of it mattered as she danced drunkenly in the backyard of the frat – which might sound stupid, but it was fun and why couldn’t girls just have fun.

At 9:45, Joshua was still at the back of her mind and she looked to her friends who were all around her and asked if they wanted to try to get into the show.

“I don’t want to go if we have to pay,” Jen said, “I’m sick of paying for house shows.”

She said it and Y/N could understand, she was the original proponent of saying that house shows should be free. Jen was Y/N’s roommate though and she kind of thought she was always jealous of Y/N, so it kind of seemed like she just didn’t want Y/N to meet back up with Joshua.

“Josh said we could get in free if we told them that we knew him,” Y/N insisted.

“He told that to you,” Jen points out, “Do you think they’ll let all five of us in for free?”

“We can try,” Jordan tries to help.

Y/N could tell the other girls wanted to go, but they also were very into keeping the peace. She didn’t want to back down, often bending to Jen’s will all-too-often for no reason. Y/N was a very go with the flow type of person so most of the time there was no reason to go against what Jen wanted because Y/N genuinely didn’t have an opinion, but today she did.

Jen was stubborn and selfish, but Y/N wasn’t going to let that get in the way of possibly seeing this intriguing guy again.

“Yeah, let’s just try,” Paige chimes in, “If all else fails, I’ll pay and go in with you, so you don’t have to go alone.” She says the last part directly to Y/N.

“Thanks, love,” Y/N says, patting Paige on the arm. At least someone was on her side.

They walk a few blocks through the neighborhood that was alive with music, alcohol and drunk students towards Albert Dr., where the concert was allegedly going to be. The guy hadn’t really been specific on which house or what cross street the house show was supposed to be at. By the looks of it, it could be at about five different houses on Albert. She settled on guessing one over the rest since they had set up a table and two men were sitting at it with a lock box and a little venmo code scanner.

She crosses to the house and out of the street. It was five till and she was hoping she could still get her and her friends in for free.

“Hi,” She starts, slightly nervous about what she was about to ask.

“Hey,” One of them responds boisterously, with a Coors light in his hand, clearly looking her and her friends over with his eyes. They scan around and then come back to Y/N, looking at her breasts once more and then back to her face.

“How are you ladies doing this morning?” The other guy asks, his green trucker hat turned around on his head.

“Grand,” She quips, annoyed at the first’s wandering eyes.

“Are y’all here to see the band?”

“Yeah,” She nods and looks around coolly. “We know Joshua.”

“Joshua…” the guy with the wandering eyes repeated, understanding washing over him. “All of you?”

“Yep,” Y/N nods affirmatively before anyone else can mess it up. “He invited us, so can we just?”

“Uh, yeah,” The green trucker hat guy said, believing her lie.

They walk up the pathway to the gated front yard of this cute house and it ends up being bigger than what it looked like initially. The band hasn’t started yet but she still searches for Joshua among the people, hoping to see him since she still assumed he was just the band’s manager or something of that sort, not actually in the band.

She is proven wrong when chatter among the crowd begins to grow frenzied, a tell-tale sign that the band is about to come on stage – or what was the stage, a platform just a half inch above the standing area the entire crowd was in. The drum kit had a name written across it “Greta Van Fleet” and once more she is annoyed with herself at why it seems familiar but she can’t place why.

The chatter grows and she looks at her friends who are all near her within the crowd as they stand at the front but on the left side of the crowd. She’s right by a speaker so she keeps trying to push right, but the people next to her aren’t interested in moving for her.

The drummer, bassist and guitarist begin to file onto the stage in order from a door that was connected to the house this show was at. The door stays open after the guitarist hustles out with his red battered electric guitar – it looked well-worn with a piece of silver duct tape holding a part of it together.

She’s watching the way the guitarist fiddles with his strap and plugs in to his set up, but then a voice interrupts her. A familiar voice.

“Sorry, folks, for the delay. I couldn’t find any green for the festivities.”

Joshua saunters onto the stage, shirtless with some shiny gold pants that were completely different from the masculine green pants he was wearing earlier. These were flared and hung low on his hips and hugged his figure tightly, leaving little to the imagination – not that she was complaining.

He swings his arm in a flourishing gesture towards his pants now that he is center stage, “I hope these can make up for it, if not, feel free to pinch me after the show.” He winks as his voice drops to a far lower register for his last comment.

She feels herself heat up in her cheeks as his eyes cast around the crowd. She hopes he’ll remember her, but she’s forgotten how she is dressed and immediately thinks he won’t notice her at all or really care that she came – maybe he had just been promoting the band that he was the frontman of.

When his eyes scan over her green wig, though, he stops to make sure to make eye contact with her, her presumption doesn’t seem to hold any weight. His eyes light up when she meets them with hers and a grin pulls onto his face.

They open with their first song when the guitarist, Jake – as Joshua (now Josh, upon his introduction to the crowd), begins to play over his brother (another thing she learned from Josh’s opening) and all of his talking. The crowd cheers because immediately the music is enthralling. It’s fast and loud and good – something that wasn’t always true for bands that did house shows in her college town. She begins to dance along to the beat as Josh hits incredible notes that she had never heard done before her.

During a guitar solo and instrumental part, Josh is dancing around the stage and seems to be having the time of his life. Every now and then he looks over at her and smiles a little wider, but when she tries to say something to him he comes over since he knows he’s free from singing for a while.

He leans down to try and hear her, presenting his ear-plugged ear to her. They were loud.

“Do you want my wig? Then no one will have to pinch you after the show,” She offers, pointing at her wig.

He laughs whole-heartedly, but shakes his head. “You keep it, I spent hours on this,” He says pointing to his own head of hair. “But I’d like nothing more than for you to be the one to pinch me after the show.”

She laughs and the smile on her face is rather devious, but only Josh can really see it. “Why don’t you take these at least?” She pulls the silly green swirly glasses that were tucked into her waistband and hands them to him so that he can have some green on that won’t mess up his hair.

He obliges and places them on in a funny way, unbending and then placing them on his face slowly and dramatically, just in time for the instrumentals to end and for him to walk the one foot back to center stage and begin singing again.

He laughs with the audience and his band members in between songs for the next hour or so. He sends her winks and she dances exquisitely to the music, smiling at him and telling him he’s doing great every so often.

Her friends all are whispering in each other’s ears, including hers, trying to talk about what was going on without garnering Josh’s attention. The other people in the crowd were certainly looking at her now, but with curiosity and awe rather than solely the admiration of her outfit for the day.

Their set ends and the crowd disperses a little. Different people go up to the different members of the band, similar to how it was after most house shows, people going up to the members they know, but this was a little different. Y/N didn’t think anyone really knew these guys since they were certainly not from around here, Josh’s accent made that clear.

Josh makes a beeline for her and she is happy to wait for him. He smiles at her lazily and she raises her brows with a soft smile on her lips – the buzz from the alcohol had dimmed severely since their arrival, but the effects of the weed were certainly still in her system.

“You…” She pauses, “Actually are the lead singer, what the fuck?!”

He laughs and shuts his eyes in a smile, “Yeah, but it’s fun that it was a mystery, wasn’t it?”

“Sure,” She laughs along with him. “It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting, but you guys rocked…kind of Zeppelin-esque.”

Josh nods in agreement and thanks. “Yeah, we’ve heard that a good deal. I feel like it’s not exactly accurate.”

She nods, feeling embarrassed. “No, I guess not. You’ve just got killer vocals and guitar and drums…and bass. Shit, you guys have really got it all, why are you just doing college house shows?”

Josh grins even wider, “We’re not. We’ve got an EP out and an album coming out this year.”

“Wow,” She is amazed and once more embarrassed. Josh never makes her feel silly for anything she says, he just guides her to the correct answer. “But still, why a house show on St. Patrick’s Day?”

“Favor for a friend,” A new voice says, Jake, Josh’s twin. He slings his arm over his brother’s naked shoulders. “The money made is for a charity, I think. Plus, free alcohol.”

She nods solemnly.

“Nice wig,” Jake adds after appraising her outfit.

“This is Jake, Jake this is Y/N,” Josh interjects before she can say her thanks.

“Cool,” They say in unison before Jake gets called away by their other brother, Sammy.

They find themselves off in the corner of the yard for the next hour or so. Talking about nothing and everything. People come and go. Her friends and Josh’s brothers check in every now and then, but for the most part they are left to their own devices. Josh gets them some beers, Coors banquet, of course.

“College kids don’t have Guinness for today?” Josh asks after taking a sip.

She rolls her eyes playfully from beside him on the shitty outdoor couch they were perched on the back of.

“Please, you’re lucky it’s not Miller Lite.”

“Hey,” Josh sounds quickly and a little indignantly. “I like Miller Lite.”

“Oh my god, that is disgusting.”

“It’s what I grew up on in the basements of Michigan.”

She raises her brows at him and he cracks a smile and shuts his eyes in a blissed out expression, telling her he was both serious but also messing with her somehow simultaneously.

They continue to banter and converse for what seems like hours. A few people come up to them eventually who neither of them know and gush over the pair of them. About her wig and his curls, how they look famous beside each other, and how great of a singer Josh was. They are gracious and thankful before sending the people off, moreso wanting to just hang out with each other.

At a lull in their conversation, she finds herself stuck on something and she can’t stop herself from asking.

“Where did you find those fucking pants?”

“Goodwill,” He grins triumphantly. “Aren’t they just the best things you’ve ever seen?”

Her eyes scan his pants and can’t help from snagging on his bulge, it was impossible not to look at in the tight shiny pants that left almost nothing to the imagination.

“We are dressed like sluts, no wonder people keep coming up to us,” She laughs.

His head falls forward as he laughs heartily which makes her watch his joy. When he raises his head, it’s much closer to hers.

“I’m glad I met you,” He says her name, as he looks deeply into her eyes.

For a moment, she’s sure he’ll lean in and kiss her, but with a quirk of his brow he’s retreating back and just smiling shyly at her. Her head quirks in slight confusion, but is cut off by someone else interrupting them.

Sammy says, “Hate to break up this lovefest, but we’re loading the Greta Van and while we know your mic stand is easy to carry, Danny could use some help with his kit.”

Josh exaggerates the sigh he breathes before shooting her an apologetic smile, “You wouldn’t want to carry my tambourine by any chance?”

“First groupie, now roadie, and we’ve just met this morning, what’s next?” She smiles and stands up beside him, following him over to their set up that was slowly being taken down.

“You called that being a groupie?”

“Well you got me in for free so I’d say that’s groupie enough, especially these days.”

Josh nods and chuckles to himself.

After the packing of their van finishes, she lets Josh take his tambourine from her hand where she had been rattling it around for the last ten minutes off and on. He placed it in a bag and shut the back doors.

“So,” She starts.

He smiles knowingly and doesn’t let her continue. “We’re staying the night but we’re on our way to LA in the morning.”

She nods and looks off in the distance, trying not to think about how this was just going to be a today thing. She probably would never see this guy again. But he was so pretty and bright. He had seen her and wanted to know her. She had shown up to his show and he had been so happy. He had made her feel wanted in a way no one else had done today, despite how many compliments she had gotten from strangers. Compared to Josh, everyone else felt hollow and insincere. They said they loved her but they couldn’t possibly. Josh had initially started out like that, but then he had talked to her for hours, sharing his life with her and listening to her share hers. It felt good, it felt new and it felt like the start of something, but his last sentence reminded her that it couldn’t be.

They were just passing through. Tomorrow he will be gone. This would be just a memory.

Maybe that’s what pushed her to say her next words with little hesitation.

“Do you want to come over and see my place? We can smoke and we have a couch and a cot that are probably going to be more comfortable than the floor you’d be likely sleeping on in there.” She gestures to the house they had just performed at and Josh nodded. They both knew the people who lived there somehow and knew that the interior was small and cramped – not that her apartment wasn’t cramped, but only two people lived there instead of five.

He agrees easily and enthusiastically. She tells him he can invite the rest of his band if he wants and he shakes his head no in a slightly mischevious way. He tells her he needs to grab a shirt and a change of pants before they left, if she didn’t mind. Of course she didn’t mind.

Back at her apartment, it’s a bit of a mess and she grins with embarrassment.

“Sorry, we pregamed here,” She says, gesturing to the empty cups and cans on her countertop and a box of St. Patrick’s day themed donuts she had picked up the day before to go along with their festivities.

Josh smiles back, understanding and happy to see wher she made her life.

“It’s alright,” He waves her off, “Can I have a donut though?”

“Please,” She responds, encouraging him to take one while she sets up a new bowl in the bong.

It’s domestically quiet for a moment as Josh looks over his options for donuts and she packs the bowl. She glances over at him leaned over the table every so often while she picks at the flower and places it in the grinder. He picks out a matcha sprinkle one and she smiles to herself before looking back down at the weed. After finishing packing the bowl she asks if he wants to smoke in her room so they could listen to some of her vinyls.

“Why didn’t you lead with records?! I would’ve been looking through them this whole time!” He lights up even further and tries to go ahead of her to her room despite him not knowing which bedroom was hers.

She laughs softly and tells him to turn left.

“My collection is pretty small, most of my records stay at my parents house,” She explains, shutting the door behind them now that they’re in her room.

He glances around and again she apologizes for the mess and he insists it isn’t messy since there were only a few articles of clothing lying about from when she was getting dressed at 5 this morning. Her hand around the bong extends a finger to point him in the direction of her record collection, sitting in a milk crate in the corner of her room. She busies herself with lifting the player’s lid and turning it on for when Josh decides on a record to play.

Then she steps to the other end of her dresser and takes a stick of incense and lights it, placing it in the vase burner she loved so much. Josh complimented the smell without raising his head from his perusing of her collection. She apologizes for the lack of seating with her bed taking up the majority of the room and the pallets it rested upon.

He waves her off again, looking over his shoulder at her. “You apologize way too much, this is your home. It’s perfect just the way it is,” He insists.

She mumbles a thanks before kneeling onto her bed and opening up the window to get some air flow into the room. As her hand slides it open, Josh straightens from his crouched position on the floor with a few records in hand. So Far, a compilation album by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young; Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel; Don’t Shoot Me I’m Only the Piano Player by Elton John; and The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd.

“Planning on being here awhile?” She smiles when he presents them to her.

He shuts one eye while looking at her, “You said I could stay the night. Plus I wanted to give you options for which to start with.”

She takes a step closer as if examining the records a little closer, but she looks up into Josh’s perfect brown eyes. “They’re mine, I like them all.”

“C’mon, choose,” He demands in a way that brings a subtle shiver over her body.

“Pink Floyd seems most appropriate for getting high. Then, maybe So Far, Bridge and then Elton.”

He grins before walking past her to the player a few steps behind where they were standing.

“I didn’t say you got to pick the entire lineup,” He says playfully as he pulls the record from its sleeve. “But, I did have the same idea.”

The first chords of “Speak to Me” begin to sound out of the speakers and Josh’s fingers fiddle with the volume knob before turning back to the bed that Y/N was now sitting on.

“You go first,” Josh says, seeing her waiting for him to start smoking. “It’s your weed afterall.”

“I got it for free, but thanks,” She says before obliging and taking the first hit.

He inquires as to how she got it for free and she responds after a moment. They take turns taking hits and steadily get high. The smell of the weed mixes with the incense burning in the cool breeze of the March air filtering through her window. They find themselves laying head to head on her bed with Josh closest to the foot of the bed, getting up to flip the records when the time calls for it. Her feet are up on her wall as she stares at the ceiling. Josh compliments her decor and she laughs, saying it took her forever to even get what she got up on the walls at all. She admits to being in a rut when she moved in and not feeling creative enough to decorate. He listens and responds and they grow silent for a while, just listening to the music wash over them.

At some point their fingers get interlocked and their heads are turned to face one another.

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life, Josh,” She admits in a quiet voice.

He nods slowly, his eyes blinking even slower. “Yeah,” He breathes. “I felt that too. I like it.”

She sighs and shuts her eyes, feeling hazily overwhelmed by his gaze on her face so close up. She had taken off the green wig a while back and changed into a huge sweatshirt and green boxers to keep up the festivities but be more comfortable in her apartment. Josh had followed suit so they were plenty comfy, but she thought about her extravagant makeup and worried how smudged it might be now.

“Would you kiss me?” She asks after taking a deep breath, weighing her options on whether tomorrow would hurt more or less with this. Her mind switches immediately after asking and she begins to ramble, averting her gaze from his. “I don’t know if this was just a friendly thing and if it is, don’t worry. You don’t need to kiss me, because I could also platonically feel like I’ve known you my whole life, like that’s fine especially because I don’t want to mess this up –”

He stops her rambling with his lips pressed to hers. He smiles when she squeaks a noise of surprise. She leans into the kiss after the initial surprise though and they kiss softly, sweetly, before pulling back to look at one another.

His eyes look a shade darker now, but maybe it’s just from the sun moving out of sight of her window. The second side of So Far is playing and “Our House” is just beginning to fade in.

“It’s not a platonic thing,” He reassures and maneuvers himself to a seated position and extends a hand to help her sit up as well.

They lean in again to one another and try the kiss once more. It’s less awkward than the almost upside down position they were in before. Their breathing is soft at first as they experiment with kissing one another. Each other’s lips were a completely new experience for them. It grew heavier as the kisses grew more confident and their arousal grew. The weed heightened everything and she felt like she was floating and on fire at the same time. Josh’s hands were on her neck and in her hair and she was putty in his hands.

He pushed her back gently and she lay back down, but this time with him crawling on top of her. A small whimper leaves her throat when he tugs his teeth against her lower lip and he smiles down at her in response. She closes her eyes in a small shyness, but his pointer goes to her chin and tilts up her head, signalling for her to look at him.

She reopens her eyes and he stares into them.

“Can I feel you?” He asks.

She takes a deep breath and replies with a soft yes. He nods in response and dives back into her lips, more vigor in his movements as he trails a hand down her body, gently touching her breasts, stomach and thighs. Her breathing grows more labored as his hand snakes to her center that had grown wet from Josh’s hot and firm body hovering against hers for the entirety of their makeout session.

They progress, exploring each other’s bodies with kisses, licks and fingertips caressing carefully. Josh is just about to line himself up to enter her when the record ends and his head falls to hang between their bodies with a breathless chuckle.

“Of course.”

She giggles back as one of her hands caresses his bare shoulder that was soft and warm but firm beneath her touch. He tucks himself back into his boxers and quickly pads over to the record player and looks at the two he had pulled but they hadn’t listened to yet. She watches from the bed with her head tilted to the side. He ponders which was more right for this moment and she knows the answer.

“The price we pay to enjoy the level of pretentiousness we operate on is unmatched,” He mumbles, still perplexed on which was better for the moment.

“Grab the Beach House record from the bin, love. It’ll be better.”

Josh looks over his shoulder and smiles sweetly, almost innocently, back at her, despite both their states of undress and what they were about to do. They had only met this morning but this felt unbelievably intimate. Precious.

He hops over to the collection and plucks out the Beach House record with dexterity before shuffling back to the player and placing it on.

He returns to the bed and pecks her lips, “Where were we?”

She kisses him once more, deeper than the peck and they’re right back to where they were. The pause hadn’t killed the mood. If anything, the fact that Josh was the kind of person to want to put the music she wanted on rather than just get to the sex so badly that he didn’t care meant a lot to her.

Soon enough, but not too soon, Josh is breathing harder into the crook of her neck as she whines out his name and writhes beneath him. He makes sure she cums first and she lets him cum inside her. He stutters when she tells him it’s okay and he lets go, mumbling a mix of curses, her name, and praises of the ultimate sweetness into her neck. He thrusts a few more times as he comes down and begs her to relax as she clenches him too well. She giggles and strokes down his spine as he comes to a halt.

They are still and unified for a silent moment before he kisses her neck and then her jaw and then her lips once more before rolling off. They lay there for a moment after she tells him it’s alright that they don’t clean up immediately. She had extra sheets. He nods as stares at the ceiling.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” His voice is quieter and more unsure that she had heard all day.

All day. God. It dawned on her that she had met him only today, once more.

“Not before today.”

“Yeah, I had always hoped that it was real, but I didn’t have proof till now,” He sounds like he’s smiling as he says it and when she turns her head she is proved correct.

“So this isn’t a one time thing?”

“Absolutely not,” He laughs afterwards, incredulous she’d even say that after today.

“But you leave tomorrow?”

“We’ll make it work,” He promises before leaning over to kiss her forehead and stand up to clean them up and get some water.

Josh leaves the room once he’s pulled on his boxers and hands her her sheet to pull over her body despite her knowing her roommate wasn’t home. He calls from her kitchen, inquiring about where her cups were and she directs him as best she can while visualizing the cabinets from her bed and in the post-sex and post-weed haze.

He returns with water and a towel and sits beside her. “Nothing like this has ever happened to me before,” He starts.

She goes to speak up, but he continues.

“And it all happened because of that fucking wig. I love it.”

--

lmk what y'all think, it's kind of silly but hey it's a magical day

[captain-barnes-writes]

Addiction [1 / 2]

Summary: Lee Bodecker is fascinated by the young girl who works at her father’s store. 

Pairing: Lee Bodecker x reader

Warning: Age gap, language, mentions of alcoholism, sexual content, unprotected sex (y’all better wrap it in real life tho bc this is fiction.) SMUT. 18+

Word Count: 4k [NOT PROOFREAD. Any comments, tips, suggestions are greatly appreciated. My Ask Box is always open.] 

Lee Bodecker’s cruiser paraded through the town of Knockemstiff. He thought of how life had changed so much for him in the last few months. A man who was still in his lonesome at his age, caused by his extreme focus on his career, wasn’t blind to the fruits the small town had to offer. The more time passed, the prettier the girls got.

Vibrant sundresses, skirts that reached above the knee and them goddamn stockings. With the years the damn skirts and dresses only seemed to be inching up higher and higher up their legs. Most of the girls were timid under his presence. It was a good thing that they knew who he was and were more than well aware of the power he had.

Lee Bodecker was a crook sheriff in the solemn town; a menacing tormented man who most often than not drank his fair share of alcohol on a weekly basis. A lot of the time he was intoxicated with the moonshine he got from people he bribed. The alcohol always knocked him to otherworldly limits that helped him forget all that plagued him. It was his hidden secret, an unhealthy and disappointing one. A secret which he made sure to keep under wraps. Lee always had the election peering over him, taunting and glaring at him. He had to keep up with appearances.

Even with sore limbs, killer migraines and sunken eyes that didn’t want to see any light, he always made sure to clean the cruiser of any leftover canned beers and packs of cigarettes. He even tended to his own home as well, bagging the glass bottles and cans in black trash bags so as to not raise any suspicions. He was trying his best to stop, but it had become a habit that was hard to shake. Trying to kill one addiction had almost started another one, candies being the other culprit. Sweet little candies to quit the thoughts and yearning need for the arduous liquid that he’d come to rely on far too much.

But then there was another addiction he’d come to have for the past months. It was intoxicating but it wasn’t alcohol and sweet and tender but it wasn’t candies. The girl who worked at her father’s store at the center of town was the debilitating new type of obsession he’d come to have. Boyd Smith’s young daughter was as enticing as they came.

The store was small and slightly rundown, but had the necessities most people in Knockemstiff could need. People didn’t need much in the town anyway. But that girl was easy on the eyes and she wasn’t even aware of it. By far the prettiest in the godforsaken town and probably the whole state. Heck, Lee thought her to be the most beautiful on fucking earth. She managed to tug at his heartstrings in such a way nobody had been able to. Not in a long time, anyway.

When she first spoke to him, an actual conversation, she’d told him “stop eating so many candies, sheriff. You’re gonna get cavities.” And Lee had let out a loud laugh, though it hadn’t met his eyes as if the words she’d said had hit a nerve. They had, but he couldn’t admit it. Regardless the soothing tone of her voice, sweet and delicate, had reeled him in even further.

He visited the store so often, knowing when exactly her father would take his day off. Which were starting to climb up seeing as Boyd enjoyed gambling and drinking his fair share as much as Lee and would leave his daughter to tend to the store more often than not. So she’d be there in her most lonesome tending to her father’s store. He looked forward to seeing her doe eyes and skim his eyes about her gentle frame.

He often found himself wondering what she’d be wearing on days he visited. Being the daughter of a store owner meant that money wasn’t much of a problem for her family, and she seemed to be able to feed her affinity for pretty clothes. He always anticipated what she’d be wearing. Y/N usually wore pastel colored dresses, those pretty sundresses that reached just above the knee. The thin material at times clung to her body on the back giving way to the full bottom she was blessed with and Lee felt himself hardening just at the sight of her alone. He wanted nothing more than to tear the material off her and savor the innocence she oozed.

That day when she first spoke to him, he felt even more drawn to her. The delectable taste of the bonbons he’d stop to buy were of no comparison to her. Lee was either salivating or mouth dry like a desert at the mere sight of the store owner’s daughter.  On that day when she’d uttered those words to him in hopes of alleviating the rather quiet environment, he had placed the money on her hands to pay for the pack of candies as well as a pack of beers. Their fingers brushed and Y/N had almost shuddered.

“I’m gonna have to find myself a new addiction so that doesn’t happen then.” Lee responded. His eyes had met hers and a gleam of mischievousness and mockery were swirling in them. She swallowed harshly, suddenly feeling small under the presence of the town’s sheriff.

Y/N looked at him. Like really looked at him and noticed things she hadn’t before. For instance, the way his eyes were the color of the town’s nearby lake, a sparkling blue, and when he didn’t have a scowl on his face he actually looked handsome. Crinkles at the end of his eyes showed his age, and even with the soft protruding belly he was actually easy on the eyes.

Y/N blushed under his piercing stare, proceeding to count the change aloud and handed it back to him in a clumsy manner.

“One fifty is your change, sheriff. Thank you.”

“No, thank you darlin’. I’ll stop by another day.” Lee countered, voice heavy as his orbs continued their arduous stare on the girl who couldn’t tear her own eyes away from his. She was flushed, a color that suited her so well with the baby blue sundress she wore. He wanted nothing more than to take her on the back of his cruiser and fuck her into submission.

Despite all his bad qualities, the dominance he liked to have, he wanted her to want it too. What was the fun in fucking somebody who didn’t want it? No, he wanted her dainty hands on him. For her to run them through his hair, grip it as she was a breathy broken mess beneath him. He yearned for her lips to moan his name, for her tightness to grip him like a damn vice. Just one look at her and he knew he was done for.

Lee started visiting the store more often. Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays. She’d be there with her pastel dresses, behind the counter tending to customers in a manner that let him know he couldn’t be the only one thinking of her this way. She was too pure, too celestial to only have one man pining over her. And he was right. He wasn’t the only man looking at her with hungry eyes. There were plenty of them who’d show up at the store throwing flirty comments at her and she’d try her best to deflect them. She’d do so gracefully with shy smiles, an airy laugh while waving them away.

Lee had been there when men approached her in the same manner he did, flirtatiously and with no good intentions. He observed how she’d suddenly become nervous, dropping change on the floor and sputtering out a few sorry’s as she scrambled down to get it from the floor. She’d smile at her suitors, not knowing how to keep them away. How to say no. So when Lee was there, he’d clear his throat loudly and tell them to move along. No more needed to be said, the men would scramble away from the store at the mere words from the sheriff. They were scared of him and the immense influence the town’s sheriff carried just at the tip of his fingers. Lee boasted his power in front of Y/N wanting nothing more than to impress her. He was no longer in his 20s, no longer the slim figure he had 15 years prior, but he’d obtained something that was worth showing off: the power of being an elected official and the town’s sheriff.

Y/N would express her graciousness with a bashful grin and a small thanks would leave her lips, along with a few offerings of free candy or even a pack of cigarettes. She was young, no more than twenty. It was normal for girls her age to have suitors lining up, but she wasn’t an ordinary girl. This was the girl the sheriff was pining over. He was completely and utterly taken by her and he hadn’t even tasted her yet.

Lee wanted more than anything to be the one who clouded the girl’s thoughts. He wanted him to be the first thing she thought of every morning and the very last thought at the end of the night. His own thoughts were consumed by the store owner’s daughter. Her beauty was amplified by the tenderness in which her tone of voice took when she spoke. The way her hair crowned her face so perfectly and the smile lines which took upon her pretty face with a simple little grin. She was addicting and he wanted her so badly. He wanted her as bad as a drop of alcohol.

For Y/N, or any girl her age, it was an honor to be on the receiving end of the sheriff’s admiration. The piercing blue orbs watching with intent, body language screaming that he was taken with her. The way he was an asset to the town, an important one that kept order, that took care of people like her. That warded off danger. She’d be crazy to overlook him and his clear feelings for her.

At first she’d been slightly put off at his constant visits to the store. Sometimes just to buy a single pack of candy. At times he wouldn’t even buy anything. He’d stare at her, initiate conversations that diverted to different topics as if he didn’t want to stop hearing her voice. As if her voice was the only sound he wanted to hear. At times the voice coming from his radio would be the only thing that’d get him to leave the store. He’d huff loudly, bark back an answer, tip his broad-brimmed hat back on his head and wave goodbye to her.

But it wasn’t long until he’d crawled his way into her heart. A slow process that took many months. Gained her trust with conversation and his way of sweet talking. Expensive chocolates and bouquets of roses he’d gone out of town to get would make their way into her hands whenever he’d visit her, almost always finding himself at the right hour when the store was at its most desolate. Just her and him. The beautiful girl was driving him insane, she was slow to give into him. Her shyness a tough barrier to break.

The town would whisper about it. The sheriff wants Boyd’s daughter. The many visits had made their rounds in people’s mouths and being the small town that it was. The townspeople noticed the black cruiser more and more at the front of the store, parked there for more than half an hour at times. And they became suspicious because what could take so long in the small store? It was cramped and only had minimal supplies.  All of Knockemstiff was talking about it in a secretive manner. They didn’t want to feel the sheriff’s wrath, didn’t want to light the anger in his eyes. But they knew. Knew that whatever his intentions were with the young girl, he was sure to get her. He was persistent and always got what he wanted.

Those many visits to the store turned into driving her home at nights. Though it was only a couple blocks from the town center, he still insisted on doing it. A girl like you could get kidnapped on these streets doll, Lee would tell her. He couldn’t believe her father would pick gambling with his friends over picking his own daughter up. She deserved to be cared for, tended to in the best way possible. He wanted to be that man for her; someone she relied on. Someone she could come to love.

At least the one thing her father did right was having her lock up the place early when she was in charge of the store. By 7:30 pm, she’d switch the sign to closed and begin the process of cleaning and making sure everything was tidy to open up the next day. Lee would wait outside for her in his car, smoke puffing from his lips as he took drags from his cigarette. When he would see her coming out, the thin material of her dress swaying with the wind and giving way to the smoothness of her legs, he’d close his eyes to gain control of himself and throw the cigarette outside. She never said she didn’t like the smell, never even made a comment about it as the scent lingered in the car, yet he still cared and wanted to be on his best behavior with her.

The drives to her home would take detours to diners, coffee shops and even to different towns as he felt so enthralled by her presence. He wanted nothing more than be able to spend hours with her. She didn’t even have to touch him, didn’t have to kiss him, but a simple gaze from her had his heart beating erratically. When she began talking to him more, not just waiting for him to continue the conversation, he felt the effect she had on him even more. He felt bewitched, as if the girl was his only sanity. It wasn’t the alcohol, it wasn’t the sugary sweets. It was the tenderness of her voice, her gentle frame and her doe eyes.

It also wasn’t long until she was sinking down onto the length of his cock on the back of his cruiser. She slid down in such slow motion with a heartbreaking guttural moan. Her virgin cunt wrapping him in such tightness his breath had hitched and eyes rolled in ecstasy. Her perky breasts right at his face and he’d taken a hold of them with his lips. Ran his tongue on the brown nipples.

“It hurts, Lee.” Y/N cried softly onto his shoulder. Pitiful tears landing on his clothed shoulder. The poor girl was wincing at the intrusion inside her. Lee deeply regretted taking her this way, her on top of him on the back of his damn cruiser. This wasn’t the place for a girl like her to lose her virginity. Hell, it  wasn’t the place for any girl to lose their virginity. The seats were uncomfortable and movements were limited with the small space.

“I’m sorry darlin’. Fuck.” Lee cursed, feeling his cock twitch inside the tightness of her walls. She was incredibly tight and he didn’t know if he’d be able to hold on for much longer. He wanted to piston his hips against her sweet place, fuck her until she was crying. But she was already crying on his shoulder and it wasn’t even out of pleasure.

She stayed there for a couple seconds, trying to recover herself while being bombarded with sinful thoughts as she sat on his length. She was able to get a hold of herself, feeling a little better with the sheriff’s large hand drawing soothing circles on her bare back. His pink lips were against hers in soft kisses that had her head swirling. The taste of alcohol present on his tongue was a strong comparison to her minty mouth. Him, so imperfect and troubled. Her, innocent and pure. She picked her head up again. Her doe eyes found him in the darkness of the cruiser, the abandoned lot a few minutes out of town was desolate and dark.

Without any warning, her lower body elevated just slightly and came back down again. Lee let out a shaky breath and his hands had immediately slid down to the smooth skin of her ass, fingers marking the fullness of it. She was a mess above him, mouth hanging open with the sweetest moans falling loose. She began to slowly sink down on him again, building a tortuous movement of raising herself up and coming back down. The pain was still present but the sight of the sheriff being patient and not forcing her to move had been incentive enough for her to push the aching pain away. He was already inside her anyways, her chastity a thing of the past.

Lee’s strong hand grabbed the back of Y/N’s neck and pushed their lips together. She was still adjusting to him, moving slow to his standards, so he wanted to control at least one area of the sinful acts that were taking place. His kiss was rough and messy. His teeth took hold of her plump bottom lip and bit it until she shrieked into his mouth. Her dainty hands fisted at his hair.

The movements of her hips were reluctant and inexperienced. The flow of them slow, faltering even at the discomfort of the intrusion. The prodding inside her still stung and her eyes shut tightly when his cock hit a spot inside her that made her feel weak. Lee noticed and the hold on her ass tightened as brought her down at a faster pace. He wanted to fuck her so hard she would see stars on the roof of the cruiser, but she was still visibly aching.

Lee’s lips traveled down her jaw, kissing her there just slightly to bring any comfort to her, before they made their way to the valley of her breasts. She was bare, the baby yellow dress had been unbuttoned and thrown on the floor carelessly. She was unbelievably soft. Skin so delicate and smooth, breasts and ass etched with white stretch marks. His babygirl was so divine and heavenly and he’d just taken her innocence, her purity, on the back of his cruiser.

He was a bastard for not taking her to his home. On his bed. But this had been so sudden, a date to the outskirts of a different town had turned into them kissing like their lives depended on it. He’d conveniently found the empty lot and he couldn’t wait any longer, feeling as if he didn’t bury himself inside her he would explode.

His hips had began to lift themselves off the cold backseat meeting hers in the middle. She was reduced to a string of breathy moans; a beautiful mess before him. His dick was enveloped in her folds, bathing in her sweet juices. The sounds of drenched skin slapping against one another, loud and stained. The air inside the car was stuffy and lingered with the smell of their arousal. He felt like he’d come any second as he felt the familiar sensation building inside him.

“I want to put a baby right in here.” Lee’s hand stopped at her belly, the skin soft and warm. He was already crazy for her. With a single taste of her and he wanted more. He could picture his girl’s belly huge with his baby growing inside her. Maybe that would get him to stop craving the taste of alcohol, to stop wanting to replace his addiction with candies. He wanted her to be his only sane addiction.

Y/N stuttered at his words. Her eyes had widened and hands gripped his shoulders at the rapid movements of his hips. She was rendered silent as her mind swirled with the possibility of carrying Lee Bodecker’s baby. She didn’t know what to think of it. Girls her age were already carrying babies, married even.

But the townspeople chastised and judged those girls who gave away the very thing that made them good in the eyes of the lord, their savior, and she had done just that. Given away the one thing she’d held onto for more than two decades, cherished it, boxed it off and wrote it off for somebody whom she’d marry. The preacher of her church called it a “gift”, a mere pseudonym, and apparently a more appropriate and contained word, for a girl’s virginity. In her town, chastity from girls, taking care of that one gift for a nice man who would care for them was an important thing. But for Y/N, it was too late to look back.

“You heard me, darlin’?” Lee quipped again, hand grasping her jaw to get her to look at him. His azure eyes were laced with lust, swirling with it as his cock hit her sweet spot again and again. What could she say when he was taking the pain away and replacing it with delicious ecstasy?

“Yes, Lee.” She moaned loudly. A foreign heat had pooled in her stomach, the pistoning of his dick inside her driving her closer to a delirious state. Y/N was bouncing on him with his help and she couldn’t help but look at the man whom she’d grown to be fond of for the last few months. Fond was probably not the right term, but she’d only even kissed a boy before and it had been her senior year of high school, so long ago she didn’t even know what she was feeling. It was immeasurable. The grown man whose advances had made hordes of butterflies swirl in her stomach, made her breath quicken and at the sight of him her heart swelled.

“I’m gonna cum inside that sweet pussy of yours.” His words were foul, hips faltering as he felt the tightness of her cunt constricting the living daylights out of him. She had broken down before him, body spasming as an orgasm ripped through her in shocking waves.

“Oh my god oh my god.” She breathed out loudly, her folds seizing him in a shuddering way. Gripping so tight he couldn’t help but come only a mere seconds after her. His hips jolted, climax hitting him with such strength it had forced a string of curse words from his mouth. His cum seeped inside her like ribbons, painting her walls with his warm seed.

When they rode out their high, bodies covered in salty sweat and breathing somewhat steady, Lee grabbed her face and brought their lips together in another kiss. It was short and wet, his tongue swiping against hers. When he pulled away, he looked at the odd expression etched on her face.

“What am I gonna tell my daddy, sheriff?” She asked softly. Brows furrowed in worry. “It’s so late.”

“Your daddy doesn’t give a damn. He’s probably drunk off his ass while gambling.” Lee bit. He was right about her father, he was most likely drunk or gambling. Probably both. Lee was gonna take care of his girl now. Claim her. He had already taken her most precious gift anyway.

He wasn’t going to fuck her on the back of a cruiser. She didn’t belong there, not tainting the backseat of his car, not in an abandoned parking lot. The next time he fucked her he was going to plow into her on his bed. In his house. Because that’s where her sweetness belonged; tangled in his covers, a moaning mess beneath him. She should’ve been waiting for him to come home from a long day of work, arms out steady for him to fall on, lips ready to take his. She was more addicting than glasses of moonshine, more so than candy. Intoxicatingly beautiful, sweet and innocent.

“You’re mine now darlin.”

----

hope y'all enjoy lol I actually liked writing this so might make a second part. Who knows 💀🥴

Dividers can be found here by @writeyourmindaway. Ty!

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Ten. Faces

warnings: swearing, hate comments word count: 4.1k (not including pics)

behind the screen (irl dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: sorry its late!!!! this feels rushed but i was just too excited to get to some parts!!! also i have had some parts written out for SO long that they dont even feel cute to me anymore so im literally praying to every deity rn that you guys think its cute lmao anyway enjoy!!!!

**********

It had been about a week since Karl's slip up but everything was already more normal than Y/n had expected it to be. Of course, George, Sapnap and Quackity were all very understanding and gave her space while simultaneously reassuring her that she was safe with them. She fully believed it too, she knew she was safe with them and they weren't going to tell anyone her name.

The one unusual thing was now she had a heavy guilt, like someone dropped another sandbag in her stomach, every time Dream texted her. If the others knew, it was only fair that she tell him her name too, right? I mean, it's Dream. Dream! The boy who had quickly slipped his way into her life and, though she wouldn't admit it to Karl or Naomi, her heart.

But how? Does she just come right out and say it or wait until it gets brought up? She hadn't practiced telling anyone her name because she wasn't planning on doing it any time soon. Though, maybe she should have been seeing as she was going to see them all in person in a little over a month.

Regardless of the guilt, Y/n had other things to worry about today; Quackity was coming to visit. Karl had picked him up from the airport and the two of them spent all day catching up and doing who knows what but Y/n still hadn't met him. She was scared. She wasn't scared of Quackity, but scared because it was the first time one of her online friends would be able to put a face to her name and voice.

Y/n shuffled across her living room rug and reached for her phone on the coffee table, looking for some sort of distraction while she waited for them to arrive.

-

Y/n rolled her eyes but smiled, shaking her head as she threw her phone on the couch. Okay, he's right. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be great. It's just Quackity. If he said anything rude or annoying or anything she could literally just step on him like a bug.

A sharp knock on the front door of her apartment snapped her back into reality. She shook her limbs of nervousness as she made her way to the door, two familiar voices begging to be acknowledged from the other side.

"Let us iiinnn!! Y/nnn!!!!" Karl whined.

After countless times asking the same question, she finally convinced Karl that she was okay with him using her real name in front of Quackity. He clearly still felt guilty about telling the boys her name, asking her multiple times in different ways whether he should call her Y/n or Bugsy in front of the guest. She finally got it through his head that she didn't mind either way.

"Hold on!" she yelled back. She unlocked the door and swung it open to see Karl and Quackity. "So impatient."

"Holy shit, you are tall! Goddammit, I thought that was a joke!"

Y/n laughed shyly at the greeting, looking at Quackity like he was crazy. "Hello to you too. Tried to warn you, dude."

"Yeah but, damn! You're tall and attractive, what the hell?"

"Dude," she said with a warning in her voice. She thought the flirting on Twitter was funny, but in real life she got embarrassed easier and wasn't a fan. "I'm about to kick you out of my house before I even let you in."

This was weird, meeting Quackity before meeting some of her other friends. She loved Quackity, but she had known George much longer and Sapnap even before that. There was no problem with meeting Quackity, she just had no idea how to act since she felt like she hardly knew him.

"Am I allowed to tell people that you're hot?" he asked as he fell on her couch, Karl following right after.

"Quackity!" Y/n yelled, her face heating up at a compliment. "Seriously?"

Karl cackled and shoved Quackity. "Shut up, Alex! No, you're not allowed!"

"Sorry, is that compliment reserved for Dream?" He cackled at his own joke and Y/n's face heated up even more.

"I seriously will kick you out of my house."

"You wanna be flirty on main but not in real life?" Quackity scoffed.

"I'm not flirty on main, you are!" she laughed. "Seriously, don't."

"Okay, sorry, I'll stop," Quackity promised with a laugh in his words.

The three of them fell into easy conversation, mostly because Karl and Quackity were already comfortable around each other at this point. They eventually decided to go to the mall, just to mess around and do something.

*reminder: covid doesn't exist in this fic bc we only want happy things so ignore their masks :P*

Y/n frowned as she unlocked her front door, staring at her phone. She had been so happy with all the fans freaking out about the meetup so she looked at the trending list, expecting to see a flood of keyboard smashes and happiness, but that's not all she ended up seeing. BUGKARLITY was trending, so she scrolled through the tweets and was upset to see not all of them were positive. In fact, when she typed her name in the search bar, lots of the tweets using her name were rather mean.

A few that stuck in her head called her an attention whore and said that her friends only flirted with her because she paid them too. Who on earth would even do that? Some hurt way more than others but she tried to push them aside. It wasn't like this was the first time she had seen comments like this, but they had only gotten worse since her Minecraft date with Dream. She was worried it was cause more hate for her friends and the last thing she wanted was to be the cause of their own hate.

She typed several different messages to Dream, deleting them all after she reread them. She felt like she had to request the same thing from him in a different way. Maybe because she felt like his words meant more, even if he really was just joking like the rest of them. She decided to call him instead of texting.

"Hi!" he chirped happily from the other end.

"Hi, Dream," she said as her chest filled with something warm at the sound of his voice. "How are you doing?"

"Good," he dragged out the word. "How are you?"

"Okay."

"Just okay? What's up?"

"Um," she started, immediately forgetting the words she decided she'd use. "I just... would you mind, uh, not flirting with me so much on, like, Twitter and streams and stuff like that?"

There was a silence before Dream's frantically apologetic words came through. "Yes, of course, oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. If I had known I was making you uncomfortable, I wouldn't have—"

"Wait, no," she interrupted but he must not have heard.

"—said things like... oh gosh. Bug, I'm really sorry—"

"Dream!" she raised her voice, getting him to stop ranting. "You don't make me uncomfortable."

"Oh. Really?"

"Of course not. I actually think it's really..." Cute? Adorable? Endearing? "funny," she decided.

"Oh. Then why...?"

She sighed heavily and explained what she told the others. "So, yeah. I just don't want you guys getting hate because of me so I figure if you stop then... you know."

"Bug..." he said gently. "I'm really sorry. I promise you that I don't—none of us think those things about you."

"I know."

"No, seriously," he said, clearly not believing her. "You need to understand that I..." he paused. "I mean what I say. Always."

Always? she thought. There's a few things he's said that certainly he didn't really mean... like calling her cute?

"I don't joke around like that unless I want to. I wouldn't say things like I say to you unless I really, really, genuinely considered you a close friend and felt comfortable around you. And I do."

Her heart swelled. "Thanks, Dream. I just... maybe don't do it so much for right now? Online, at least," she clarified, not wanting to deprive herself completely of Dream's flirting.

"Yeah, if that's what you want, of course."

"Well, I don't want you to stop flirting with me but, yeah."

He chuckled. "Oh, you do like when I flirt with you?"

She hummed and changed the subject. "Did I interrupt you doing anything?"

"No," his teasing voice dropped and was back to his regular self. "I'm just editing the video we filmed the other day."

"Oh, the 'Minecraft, but you can't touch the floor'?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Oh," she said, not meaning to sound disappointed. "I'll let you get back to it—"

"No. I mean, you can stay on the phone. Unless you're busy."

She smiled and put her phone on speaker and set it next to her foot on the floor. "I was just gonna paint. So I can stay."

Before she knew it, almost two hours had passed of them sitting in comfortable silence, occasionally speaking to share something with the other before going back to their tasks. It was comforting knowing she didn’t need to speak constantly and could just hang out with Dream.

Y/n's phone rested on the floor next to her, Dream on speakerphone on the other end, only the sounds of his keyboard clicking letting her know he hadn't fallen asleep or hung up. She wasn't sure when they started doing this, staying on the phone even when they had nothing to talk about, but they had done it a few times before. They had talked on the phone and Discord many times but it was usually always with purpose, not usually this silently-enjoying-each-others-presence nonsense. Who was she kidding calling it nonsense, she enjoyed it an embarrassingly insane amount.

She repositioned so she was laying on her stomach as she finished sketching an image that was in her mind.

"Hey, you still there?" Dream asked softly.

"Yeah. Sorry, am I taking away from your sitting in silence time with George?" she joked.

Dream chuckled lightly. "Nah, you're more fun. I was just seeing if you ditched me for Karl yet."

"Nah, you're more fun," she mimed truthfully. "But I'm very focused on this drawing."

"Can I see it when you're done?"

"Don't expect too much. It looks bad."

"If you don't tell me what it is, I can't know how accurate or inaccurate it is."

"Very true..." she trailed off, holding the canvas further away to examine it all at once. She wanted the sketch to be perfect before she made permanent choices with paint. She enjoyed the serenity they maintained even when talking, voices low and delicate like they were keeping secrets but not quite whispering. "Are you almost done editing your video from the other day?"

"Sorta. I'm at the part where you and Sapnap almost died laughing because a ghast knocked George into lava and then Sapnap laughed so hard he fell into lava."

She chuckled, remembering the situation vividly. "That was so funny. The way George screams is so funny."

"Let Naomi know that," he mumbled, causing Y/n to gasp.

"Dream!" she laughed loudly and he joined.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's true though."

"Disgusting!"

A distant voice sounded on the other end and she assumed it was Sapnap. "What do you want for dinner?"

Dream responded with a soft, "Nothing, I'm good."

"Are you talking to Bugsy?"

He must have responded physically because the next sound was Sapnap's very clear, much more lively voice speaking directly into the phone. "Hi, Bugsy!"

"Hi, Sapnap!"

"Can you tell Dream to eat some damn food? This man literally hasn't eaten a single thing all goddamn day."

"Dream," Y/n scolded slowly. "Please eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm not showing you my painting until you eat."

A door closed on the other end and she took that as a sign that Sapnap had left.

"I don't wanna see it anyway. It's probably trash."

"Take that back!" she gasped lightly. She looked at the canvas as she grabbed the first paint color and laughed. It was only a sketch and it was already trash. "Fine, then I won't go on the trip if you don't eat in the next ten minutes."

"That's punishing yourself too though."

"Who says I want to see you?" she asked.

"I never said anything about not seeing me being the punishment."

She had been caught. "It was implied."

"Sure it was."

"It's true though. Who says I wanna see your stupid face?"

He didn't say anything, but an incoming FaceTime call lit up Y/n's phone. A FaceTime call from him.

Her smile dropped. "Clay?"

"Answer it," his voice was lower and her heart started beating faster. Was he really about to show her his face to prove a point? Reveal his biggest secret that only a few close friends knew? To her of all people? She made sure she couldn't be seen in the small window and pressed accept, the voice call ending and the FaceTime call starting.

To her surprise, what came into view wasn't his face, but the logo of the hoodie he was wearing, the simple smile of his merch taunting her. She laughed, the anxiety slowly fading away as it was replaced with a heavy feeling in her stomach. Was she disappointed? Maybe a little, but he teased her into believing she would see him.

"Oh, wow! Dream face reveal! He looks just like his icon, no way!!!"

His chest moved up and down as he laughed, not moving the camera away. "You heard it here first, guys! You've known my face all along, the logo is actually my face!"

She laughed and returned to painting, not paying any more attention to her phone since he was now also showing his ceiling, a small corner of his monitor in frame but nothing else. "I mean it though, if you don't eat, I'm going to be so mad I won't even want to be friends anymore. Or you'll die from malnourishment before we get the chance to meet."

"I doubt it. I'm just not hungry."

"Whatever."

"Oh, hey, so you met Quackity today. How was it?"

"Very scary."

"Yeah?" he asked sympathetically, urging her to explain if she wanted.

"Yeah. But it turned out okay! He didn't act any different so it was fine. It was mostly just awkward. He's also so freaking loud. You would not believe how much louder he and Karl get when they're together."

"I can imagine. Aren't they doing a stream right now or something?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't wanna watch though, I've had enough of them for the month."

Dream laughed. "How will you deal with them together for New Years'? It'll be for like two weeks."

"Who knows if I'll actually go?"

"Wait, what?" he asked abruptly, not even bothering to hide the disappointment in his voice. His keyboard stopped clicking and she could picture him staring at his phone as if looking at her. "Of course you're going."

"Not if you don't eat food! You have, like, 3 minutes to eat something until I officially am busy doing other things whenever the trip is."

Dream groaned and clicked a few things on his computer before the image on the screen became blurry as he walked through the house, still pointing it at the ceiling. She looked away again and kept painting.

"Quackity's really funny though," she continued. "It was super awkward at first but it was fun to have someone else to help me make fun of Karl."

"Wait, Bug," Dream called out over the sound of wrappers crinkling.

"Hm?" She hummed, continuing to paint.

"Bug," his voice was much softer and he sounded nervous.

She looked at her screen and dropped the paintbrush as she focused on what she saw, grabbing her phone and holding it closer to her face so she could see, still making sure she wasn't in view. All the anxiety from the beginning of the FaceTime suddenly came back and hit her like a truck. Sitting on her screen, waiting to be seen, was Dream. His hood was up, tufts of blonde hair sticking out, and he was standing with his back towards a dark room, the dim light from his pantry making his face just visible.

He held up a cookie in front of his actual, real face. "Are you watching?"

"Y-yea... I... Yeah. I'm watching. Is that really you?"

He nodded once before shoving the cookie in his mouth. "There, I consumed food," he announced, his voice muffled by the cookie. "Now you're legally obligated to come."

"I—What? CLAY! WHAT?"

"What?" he asked innocently as he chewed, walking back to his room and still holding the phone up to show his face. His room light was on, making his face much more visible. If Y/n thought he was attractive in the harsh pantry light, he must have looked like a god in his room lighting, even as pixelated as he was due to the quality of FaceTime. He fell on his bed and Y/n could only gape at his features. He slumped against his headboard, surrounded by roughly a thousand pillows, sporting a small, shy smile as he stared at the screen. "Bug, what?"

She opened her mouth but no words came out. Needless to say, he was unbelievably handsome. Part of the speechlessness was from the shock that he showed his face out of the blue, but obviously, the majority of it was that he was pretty much the most attractive person she'd ever seen. It should be illegal for someone to look that good in a hoodie, especially when pixelated.

"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "Wanna take back what you said earlier?" He bit into another cookie.

"W-what did I say earlier?" Why was she stuttering???

"You said you don't wanna see me and that I'm ugly," he teased.

She paused for too many seconds too long before finally muttering, "you arrogant son of a bitch." He laughed loudly at that.

His eyes crinkled and he threw his head back. So that's what he looks like when he wheezes, she thought to herself, pretty.

Dream shuffled his position on his bed and rested his head on one of his hands. He looked so comfy. "Why are you so quiet, weirdo?" he mumbled.

She set her phone back down and touched her cheeks with her hands and looked away for a moment, grounding herself to the real world for a second. She couldn't process her thoughts when she was staring at a man as gorgeous as Clay. "I don't know, maybe because you gave me no warning before showing me your face? Or because you failed to mention that you're incredibly hot?"

She was so glad she had looked back at her phone or else she would have missed the glorious sight of his cheeks turning bright red before he turned the camera back to his ceiling. "Oh my gosh."

"Aw cute, I made you blush."

"Shut up," he mumbled. "You threatened to not come if I didn't eat something!"

"You didn't have to—you showed me your freaking face just to prove you ate a cookie!! DREAM! I would have believed you if you just said you ate something!" she laughed breathlessly, staring at the phone now for a chance to see him again. "I was joking anyway!"

"Sure you were."

"I was."

"Well, oh well. You deserved to see me anyway."

"Oh, I deserve to see you?" She laughed. "How big is your ego?"

"You know what I meant," he groaned. "You got doxxed by Karl and you met Quackity in person. And you've clearly had a bad day because of all the hate and stuff. You've done a lot of stressful things recently and you deserved to be let in on a secret too."

He was so sweet. Like, tooth-rotting, Halloween candy stash hidden under a kid's bed, upset tummy sweet. She also couldn't get over the fact that he was a million times cuter when he was shy like he was being now, his voice soft and unsure. It contrasted vastly with the confident, loud-mouthed Dream everyone usually saw, though she liked that Dream too. She wished he could show his face for just one more second to see what he looked like shy. Probably sickeningly adorable.

This was it, wasn't it? The chance she had been waiting for to tell him her name? He just let her in on his biggest secret, now he was the one deserving to be let in.

"Y/n," she said with a confident, but soft voice.

There was a long pause. "W-what?"

"Y/n."

He understood the second time immediately. "Y/n..." he tested, the smile in his voice clear as day. "I like it."

"Yeah, well, I guess you deserved to know the secret too."

"I would have been content never knowing."

"Really?" She didn't believe him. He seemed like the type to never be satisfied, always looking for something better. Not in a greedy way, but in a motivational, goal-oriented big achiever way.

"Really," he hummed. "I already feel like you're too good to be true so I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't a real person."

It was silent as she tried to collect her thoughts.

"Bug? You okay?"

"Yeah, I... it's just a lot."

"Sorry."

"No, it's not you. Well... I don't know. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say when you say things like that," she admitted.

He paused. "I think you always have the perfect responses when I say things like that."

"What do I usually say?" She smiled shyly, pulling her hoodie up to her lips.

"You usually call me a nerd or say you can't stand me. 'Oh my gosh I cannot stand you'," he mimicked before laughing.

"What? How is that the perfect response to you saying you can't believe I'm real?"

He hummed and she could practically hear him shrugging. "Because it's a classic Bug response. It's a hundred perfect you. So yeah, it's perfect."

She was silent, trying to compose herself before she exploded.

"By the way, check Twitter."

"Why, are you bragging about me calling you hot?" she teased, hoping to make him blush like she had earlier. It worked.

"Oh my gosh, no. Just look."

She clicked her home button and navigated to the app, her feed instantly flooding with the same similar messages.

"Oh, my gosh," she muttered, her fingers flying away as she typed out her own tweet in response to the love.

Dream chuckled from the other end and when she asked him why, he vaguely said that George texted him but didn't explain further.

"Um, I have to go," she said mournfully. "Karl and Quackity are coming over again."

"Booooo," he pouted.

"Sorry, you aren't the only man in my life," she teased before instantly regretting her choice of words. Too flirty, Y/n, she thought to herself.

"Hm, shame. Am I at least at the top of the list?"

She bit her lips, wanting desperately to repeat what she had told him on their Minecraft date. In the end, she gave in. "I always mean what I say too," she started. "You're my main bitch, baby."

Dream made some sort of sound, a mix of a scoff and a whine but Y/n didn't comment on it, just glowing with heat in her cheeks.

"Leave before I don't let you," he said softly and the heat only grew.

"Goodnight, Dream," she pressed, the tone in her voice letting him know he was being a tease. "Thanks for... thanks for your tweet. And for everything you said earlier."

"Of course. Sorry that you have to see those kinds of things a lot."

"It's okay when I have people like you."

"People like me? What does that mean?"

"Just.... people like you." Cute, sweet, kind, genuine people who make her heart flutter.

She could hear his smile in his words and she figured he knew the unspoken words in her thoughts, the ones she was saying without saying. "Okay. Goodnight, Y/n."

"Goodnight."

**********

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