i might be stressing about my future but at least im listening to bangers while we are at it
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so in the past I have made themed gifts for people who have helped me* and it's been a little weird but like. Understandable to the person I am gifting the thing to weird?
My current problem is that I want to make something for my endocrinologist because he has improved my quality of life hugely** but endocrinology doesn't have an easily themed gift and my endocrinologist reminds me very very strongly of like a sad greyhound or a whippet but I cannot explain to this very nice, very normal man that "hey I made you a plushie of a dog because I wanted to thank you for the steroids and you remind me of a dog. In a good way!"
*like teeth plushies for the dentist who helped me figure out I have to have dental anesthetic without epinephrine in it, or a chicken plushie for the people at the chicken restaurant that went the extra mile to get their ingredients list that were the reason I figured out I'm allergic to coconut
**I had what would have been a severe allergic reaction and it wasn't pleasant but I didn't end up in the hospital and I didn't take like a week minimum to recover and
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is this anything.
[ID: two screenshots of lyrics.
The first screenshot contains lyrics from the song “How Marvin Eats His Breakfast” from In Trousers and reads, “[All] Life is lonely / Life is rotten [Marvin] And thankfully short / Thankfully short / Thankfully short”
The second screenshot contains lyrics from the song “What Would I Do?” from Falsettos and reads, “[Marvin] Yes, I’d beg or steal or borrow / if I could hold you for / one hour more [Whizzer] One hour more [Marvin] One hour more [Both] One hour, one hour more” [/end]
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the thing about viewing Jack as a child versus not is that if you're basing it in most ways you would view children and look at it as "infantilization" because Jack is physically developed & communicative in a way that makes you take him seriously then the issue perhaps is how you view children and how they should be treated in the first place. because the ways in which children are vulnerable Jack very much of the time ALSO IS. that is WHY what is happening to him is specifically child abuse. everything that is happening to him is a formative experience regardless of the lack of neurological development that has to happen because it is all he knows. children should be respected the same way Jack should be and children should be protected in the same ways Jack should be. the idea he can speedrun all of the things that make children vulnerable because of being able to control his physical development is kind of ridiculous. time alive allows us to have different ways of forming schemas and understanding how this world and the people in it works. Jack spends this time being abused & traumatised by war. that impact is foundational to his development of his perception even if his brain development stayed the same throughout it.
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I guess in some ways having a life that is very small and dark has its benefits especially when one finally gets to lay in a sunbeam (⬅️ saying this as a step down from "getting to step into the light", which is the metaphor i was Gonna use but i havent stepped into the light yet/its been minimal...so sunbeam)
Like...im in persistent unending agony but every little small thing is a joy now that im finally getting to experience a bigger variety of little small things
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i wish brokeback mountain fics entertained the idea that jack knocked lureen up and thats why they got married more often
cause in the short story jack mentions the fact that he'd never wanted kids or anything like that, so i think its highly plausible that bad luck jack, whos life never seems to go the way he wants it to, would fool around with some rodeo queen one night and he winds up getting her pregnant. and what else can he do but marry her? he's been taught to do the respectable thing, and her daddy would probably find and gut him if he sullied his little girl's reputation and left her to deal w it on her own anyways.
but i just think it would add an extra layer of sadness to it all...the idea that jack, whos pretty much only interested in men, probably only messed around with lureen because he was pent up and lonely and sexually frustrated, and heres this beautiful, rich rodeo cowgirl whos giving this poor ranch boy the eyes and making him feel wanted for once in his sorry godamn life. making him feel like someone sees something worthwhile about him. he doesn't prefer a woman, but he's desperate, and she chose him. she could've had her pick of the bar because shes a big deal and any man would've been lucky to have her, but she chose him.
and now this thing—that was supposed to just be a quick fuck in the backseat of her car to help quell the need for human contact until the next motel cowboy came along—is going to define his entire life.
hes going to do right by her and get married. shes going to have his kid. hes going to be a dad.
his whole life has been laid out before him and the one time he said fuck it and had sex with a woman is all it took for everything to be set in stone. its just so. fucking. sad.
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“I can’t dance”
“I can’t sing”
EVERYONE CAN DANCE AND SING
IT CAME FREE WITH YOUR HUMANITY
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