#like I didn’t even realize the level of stress/anxiety I was feeling for like the last two weeks

[isthisjackie]

.

[berriweb]

╰┈➤ ❝ FOR ME? ❞

: ̗̀➛ ft. johnathan ohnn (the spot) x gn! reader

: ̗̀➛ warnings. attempted robbery (don’t steal atms kids), cursing

: ̗̀➛ note. i can’t resist writing for the silly little guy

Ring ring ring.

“Hey, Y/N, when you get a chance do you think you could look over some of the papers? If you’re not busy or anything.”

“Of course!”

Buzz. Buzz.

1 unread message. 1 new voicemail.

“You think you could be a dear and help out with my reports? I’m a little behind and you know how the boss can be…”

“It’s fine, I can help you.”

Ring ring ring.

2 new voicemails.

“Y/N, if you don’t mind-”

“Just leave it on my desk.”

“You’re the best!”

Between the insistent notifications going off on your phone and your coworkers/supervisors approaching you what seemed like every 5 minutes, it was nearly impossible to keep your head on long enough to get everything done.

After the aftermath of the whole disaster with Alchemax, your job seemed to become increasingly more difficult to manage on your own. Less people to help meant more work for you and less time to yourself, on top of the fact that you couldn’t bring yourself to say no to any employee that wanted to take advantage of your willingness to take on any assignment the other didn’t feel like finishing. Surely most of your team had caught onto that by now.

You were worked to the bone nearly every day, which was surprising enough considering you weren’t even on a high enough level to be working on any of the big projects, not to say your skills as a scientist were mediocre, but compared to other geniuses you weren’t much of a competition. Your job however, stressful as it was, was the only thing keeping you from ending up homeless on the street, so despite the exhaustion and anxiety-inducing environment, you pushed on. No need to add any more stress to the plate by trying to find someplace else to work.

And to top it all off, there was Johnny.

Letting out a breathe you didn’t even realize you were holding, you practically collapsed into your chair and wheeled yourself to your desk to drop all of the piles of unnecessarily complicated documents you’d need to get done. The moment you allowed yourself to get your shit together before you were back to working like a dog was likely the only chance you’d get to relax, so you took the opportunity to check your phone that had been consistently alerting you for the last 15 minutes.

7 missed calls from J 😘

5 unread messages from J 😘

2 voicemails from J 😘

Your face fell as you scrolled through your notifications bar, a mixture of guit and worry creeping up your neck.

Ever since the accident, you felt an extra need to be there for the man when he showed up late one night at your door, or rather halfway through it (damn those uncontrollable holes) crying that he had nowhere else to go. At least you assumed he would’ve been crying if he had a face to do so, but the tone of his voice was more than enough of an indicator. Prior to the incident, you two had a solid relationship going for years after meeting in the workplace, and to say that you were worried for him after hearing the news of what had happened while sitting at home waiting for him to return that night was an understatement.

He was gone for weeks, and just when you were starting to assume the worst he popped back up in your life in a completely new form. Your heart broke for him when he explained how everyone else had cast him out and how he’d been afraid to return to you out of fear that you’d do the same, and while you admit that seeing him like this took some getting used to, you weren’t going to abandon him too.

Ever since he’s mostly been hiding out in your apartment relying on you for all of his needs, as the few attempts to go out in public in a decent enough disguise didn’t go well, to say the least. You had noticed how he’d become far more reliant on you and clingy as a result, meaning multiple texts and calls a day whenever you were out of the house and he was left alone to his own devices. You tried to be as responsive as you could to avoid making him feel more alone (and because you knew he’d started to harbor some guilt for “leeching” off of you and being part of the reason you had to work more often and pay rent on your own), but sometimes your work duties got the better of you.

You opened the messages first.

J😘: Are you going to be working late again today? I want to plan something for you.

J😘: What do you think of the name, “The Spot”? That sounds menacing enough, right? I’m coming up with something big right now.

J😘: “Holeman” just doesn’t sound as cool, you know? I’ll work on it.

J😘: Sorry I know I’m texting a lot, are you busy?

J😘: I’m going out, might not be home when you make it.

That uneasy feeling settling in the pit of your stomach only intensified, and while the messages themselves weren’t exactly that worrying, something was telling you he was up to no good. And where was he going?

Your thumbs hovered over the screen for what felt like forever before you went to tap on the unopened voicemails.

“Hey babe, I know this is kind of out of the blue but I know how hard you’ve been working at Alchemax for us and I want to do something to repay you for it- just a way to say thank you I guess? I know what you said about not feeling guilty and everything but I really want to do this for you, you know I can’t keep living off of you and staying cooped up in that apartment forever- n-not that I’m ungrateful or anything! You do a lot for us, you did a lot for me and I’ll never be able to repay you for showing me that kindness when nobody else would.”

“I really needed that and I really need you. You’re sort of the only one I really have left, can’t risk losing that by leeching off of you forever, y’know? A-anyway, I saw that figure you’ve been eyeing from those ads, the really expensive one from that series you like? There’s that one gas station around the corner I used to go to that has an ATM, please don’t be mad, technically it’s bank money anyway and the government has plenty so I’m not really stealing from the gas station! I’m testing out my powers today. I’m getting the money for your figure today to surprise you with it! Wait- shit, it’s not a surprise if I’m telling you- oh god I’m rambling again, is there a way to delete this voicemail?! Hold on, wait-” Click.

Staring at your screen, you were unable to process the different emotions running your brain. You clicked the second voicemail.

“P.S., I love you Y/N~. I’ll talk to you later.”

You were left trying to decide whether to find the nearest bathroom before your coworkers caught you crying at the heartfelt message, frown at the idea of him still feeling as though he owes you when he, in fact doesn’t, or panicking when you realize that your boyfriend was about to attempt to rob a gas station for your sake. You chose the latter.

Jumping out of your seat, you went into a frenzy grabbing as many of your important belongings as you could and shoving them into a bag before you made a beeline for the doors and rushed out of your office, ignoring the concerned call outs from your coworkers asking where you were going and wondering whether or not you were going to finish your work for the day.

Alchemax became the least of your concerns, sending your manager a quick text letting her know you were leaving early on the account of an emergency as you raced down the speed walking faster than you probably ever had in his life.

‘Had he already left? What was he thinking?!’

Now it was your turn to spam him with call after call, silently begging the universe to make him pick up but to no avail.

Suddenly your apartment seemed 10 times farther than it normally did during your walks home from work despite your rush, managing to bump into multiple people as you pushed your way through the crowds, which was met by curses shouted at you, complaints, and a few threats that you could only hope would be tamed by the quick apologies you shouted in return.

You were probably mid journey home when your run came to a screeching halt as the tv stationed outside of a pawn shop caught your news. Spider-Man’s latest fight was being broadcasting through the few clips reporters were able to catch during the escapade, showing the many damages left behind and from the chaotic battle, but it wasn’t the iconic vigilante that caught your attention, it was the headline.

“Spider-Man’s latest battle against a new foe, ‘The Spot’, causes city-wide destruction! Who is this new villain on the streets and what’s his motive?”

Your mind seemed to pull you back to just minutes earlier when you were sitting in the lab, reading his messages.

“What do you think of the name, ‘The Spot’? That sounds menacing enough, right?”

Not only was Johnathan an idiot for trying to rob a gas station, he was stupid enough to get caught by Spider-Man!

If not for your unconditional love your your boyfriend and knowledge that he was once a brilliant scientist, you would’ve questioned how you ended up with such a clumsy fool.

This was further confirmed when you returned to racing to your apartment, only for your attention to be grabbed as a familiar black hole opened up above the street and citizens gasped as they caught sight of Spider-Man falling through the hole, followed up by the current criminal, and your boyfriend. His lack of facial features would argue against it, but you could swear that you made eye contact as his head turned to you and the gaping black hole where his face should be met your eyes before both men disappeared into the parallel hole that opened on the ground and it closed behind them. If looks could kill, Johnathan would be far more than six feet under.

For what felt like an eternity you stood there, the shock being enough to paralyze you and leave you glued to the sidewalk. When you snapped back into it, your palm came up to your face and you groaned in frustration, but wasted no time groveling over the situation. There was no point in trying to get home now, instead trying to figure out his location by what was being shown on the news. That was pretty hard to do, however, when he couldn’t control where the fight kept popping up in the city.

It wasn’t until a few minutes and about 50 missed calls later when the dial tone finally ceased and he picked up the phone, long after the news station seemingly lost track of the fight. You almost forgot to speak before the realization set it and you deeply inhaled.

“…before you get mad-”

“JOHNATHAN OHMMS I SWEAR TO GOD if you had ANY idea how much I want to strangle you right now-!”

“I know I know, I’m sorry, look-!”

“A gas station? ARE YOU INSANE?! You know better than this! How could you be so reckless! What were you thinking?!”

“-I wasn’t planning on getting caught-”

“And fighting Spider-Man?! You could’ve gone to jail, you could’ve gotten hurt, or worse! What was I going to do then?!”

“I get it! I’m sorry, I swear! It was a bad idea I screwed up, I’ve never robbed anyone before-”

“I’d hope not!”

Taking a second, you lowered your voice and ducked into an empty looking alley so no one could hear your fussing, pinching the bridge of your nose and forcing yourself to calm down. Clearly he already knew he screwed up and the guilt in his voice made your heartache, you weren’t going to keep chastising him for something he regretted when he’d already suffered the consequences. Wait-

“Hold on, Johnny, where are you? And why do you sound so far from your phone?”

You heard a nervous chuckle from the other end of the line, where the portal that had his hand with his phone floated at least a good 10 feet from his face.

“Okay, funny story right? You’re going to laugh, I haven’t been arrested yet-” oh god. “But Spider-Man may have left me in a bit of a tight spot.”

You swore listening to Johnathan explain how he’d been webbed up in a multitude of his own holes thanks to the webbed hero and describing the building in hopes you’d help it out made you swear you’d grow grey hairs in that very moment, but you couldn’t focus on the absurdity when your main concern was getting your boyfriend back.

“-and now I’m sort of stuck and can touch my head with my right foot.”

“Johnny.”

“…yes, Y/N?”

“You’re very lucky I love you.”

He made a noise equivalent to a sigh that was mixed with relief and guilt.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again. We’ll talk later, I’m on my way.”

“This why I love you~”

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.62)

(Sneak Peek)(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: love becomes guilt, predator becomes prey, and Jin becomes...

Tags: Hospitals, medical talk, seizures, angst, hurt/comfort, assassin! jimin, implied autistic! jimin, meltdowns, Mafia shit, murder, Dead bodies, Guns, violence, blood.

W/c: 10.0k

A/n: I cannot even begin to tell you how much less stressful the next chapter of bily is than my life, like i would rather GET SHOT AGAIN then be where i currently am, with the same level of anxiety that i have.

Previous part ~ Masterlist

Part 62 sneak peek: Two birds, One stone (Two Secrets, One Gun)

The hospital room isn’t big enough for all of you let alone when more staff enters the room along with someone who Namjoon must know, because she instantly starts listing off different medical jargon and refers to him by name.

One moment you’re standing in the doorway and then the next you’re pressed to the wall between Tae, Jimin, and Hobi. Tae opens the door and geastures.

You step out, because it’s surely more important that Namjoon Jin and Yoongi get at Jungkook right now even if your heart clenches painfully at leaving jungkook.

Jimin is still vibrating out of his skin but Tae tugs him in for a hug in the hallway. You don’t realize you’ve been holding your breath until you watch him hug her back. but Jungkook was Tae and Jimin’s packmate first. It’s no wonder that this has shocked them both closer, their fight forgotten.

Or mostly forgotten, You watch as Jimin wraps his arms around her slowly, like he's not sure he's allowed.

Hobi jogs you out of your staring, turning your face towards his and, looking intently. You forget what he’s looking at until his fingers skim your chin and you feel pain. You drag your arm across it and it leave a small rusty trail on the sleve of tae's jacket, just another stain on it.

Oh, you forgot that happened during the blast, you'd almost forgotten.

“Tripped, banged my face on the sidewalk.” it's close enough to the truth that the lie goes unnoticed. Hobi makes a sound, holding your elbow. Squeezing it reassuringly.

“I’m gonna get some snacks from the vending machine, can I get you something?”

“Didn’t eat dinner” you say, staring down at Hobi’s red converse. there are scuffs on the linoleum and a drop of blood someone must have missed. You wonder who it’s from, another person from the emergency room.

“You sure Jin and joon won’t be angry?” Tae is close enough to overhear, and she rubs her cheek across the top of Jimin’s head, scenting him sweet (or trying too.)

“Yeah- junk food isn’t exactly the most nutritious.” you stumble, stepping close, swaying suddenly on your feet. Hobi catches you around the shoulders and for a second, you must look like the mirror image of Tae and Jimin.

Hobi's scent smarts with worry. and he pushes you back, making you sit down. “They can live with it, she deserves a special treat. I’m getting you a bandaid.” Tae looks like she wants to argue with Hobi, then doesn’t.

Hobi gets skittles and peanut eminem’s and two bags of funyunions. the coloful packages are scattered across your laps as he tilts your head to put the Band-Aid on your chin (gotten from a helpful nurse). Fingers that tenderly curve under the wide part of your jaw, drumming there. Tae nibbles on a peach ring. Inside Jungkook's hospital room it isn't quiet, but the four of you are silent with the devastation of this.

Jimin still isn’t speaking much, but when you say you feel nauseous, Hobi gets up and gets you ginger ale too. You know there just isn’t much for him to do, alpha instincts and no omega to cool them but you. Hobi holds your hand, he doesn’t say that Jungkook’s going to be okay. He doesn’t say anything but

“Which are your favorite?”

The back of skittles jingles and he picks out all the green ones, lining up his pants in a orderly little row for you to grab when the ones you suck on go small enough.

You don't realize you're crying until he gets you a tissue, dabbing at your cheek. "There you go, Kookies gonna be fine. He's always fine." His voice goes slower, honeyed.

You rest your cheek on his shoulder, and he lets you. “You got a pair of headphones?” Your breath is shaky, and you think you might be shaking apart right now if it wasn’t for Hobi.

Namjoon stares at the packages a second too long when he exits the door. His hair is pushed up like he’s run his fingers through it, but he doesn’t smell quite as worried as he did before.

he looks at the package and you shrink underneath his disaproving stare.

He all but snaps his fingers, “Tae, would you please go get some real food before they get a sugar high.” Hobi does not flinch at Namjoon’s cross tone, even as Tae shoots to her feet. Hobi doesn’t do anything but put a pink starburst on his tongue, slowly.

Jimin keeps pacing.

Coming Saturday October 28th at 5pm EST (Time Zone Adjustments Below)

[rowiewritesstuff]

Hello, may I ask for an Earthspark or TFP match-up, please?

My height is 5'3 (160cm). Im nonbinary and asexual, and I use any pronouns. I have brown, curly, short hair and green eyes. My skin is very pale, and I usually look pretty tired. I wear black clothes. Im a pretty calm and level-headed person. I really enjoy deep conservation, music, dancing, reading, and stargazing. I can read pretty much anything. I really like learning new things. Im sarcastic, and I like to tease my friends. I am extremely loyal to my friends, and I show my affection for them through gifts, quality time, and doing them favors. I tend to talk a lot about topics that I am interested in. I usually stay calm when people panic, (even if I'm screaming on the inside). Im trying to be as open-minded as possible to everyone, as long as they are doing the same thing to me. I love animals, especially raccoons. I think they are just adorable (I also have a cat and two dogs).

I have a pear-shaped body, but I'm also a little bit chubby. I have some scars on my arms and legs (mostly because I scratch my wounds when I'm stressed). Im anemic, which means that I get tired easily. Im also lactose intolerant. I often have random pains, but I don't know why. I also have an anxiety disorder (I bite my nails and lips a lot because of it). I would rather spend time indoors than outdoors, but I will not pass up an opportunity for a picnic :3.

I dislike loud noises and crowded places. I can't speak in front of a large group of people, and I have trouble making eye contact. I also hate when someone is bullied. I like spending time with someone when we both just do our stuff in one room. Im a pretty awkward person at first, but if I get close to you, I become more talkative and funny. People always tell me that when they first saw me, they thought I was intimidating. I often hum some music while doing something.

I think thats all. I apologize if this is chaotic. I never wrote a request. I hope it's not too much. Feel free to not write anything at all if you can't come up with anything <3.

Have a nice day and remember to take care of yourself!

Yandere TFP Megatron

Megatron is a cruel decepticon with a distaste for organics, so when he grabbed you into his servo he went to crush you right before Prime’s optics. He grinned viciously down at you, and your dead stare made him pause. Even the bravest of his kind looked more fearful than you. 

Before he could even form a coherent thought, he had transformed around you and flown away. When he got back to the Nemesis he was angry with himself- but he didn’t realize that as he threw you to Knockout, ordering him to watch you.

While you were scared, you did like the quiet of this place. It was almost soothing. 

Knockout peered down curiously at you. At your obvious exhaustion, he commented. “If I didn’t know better about your fleshies, I’d say you’re half dead.”

You stared back up at him, not quite making eye contact. He noticed your avoidance, but said nothing as he scoffed and went back to working. 

Megatron questioned himself as to why he brought you along, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He ended up sitting you on a table in his room while he worked. You were mostly quiet, but your curiosity showed as you looked at his computer. 

His booming voice asked what you were doing, and you covered your ears. Megatron wasn’t sure why he did it, but he lowered his voice and spoke again. “What are you looking at?” 

“....your screen. Sorry.” You bit your nails nervously. Megatron turned away, silent. 

It was weeks before he sat you on his shoulder. He didn’t speak, clearly unsure of how to communicate with you. For the first time in millions of years, he was truly unsure of himself. 

When he did start talking to you, it was to teach you about his gladiatorial days. He spoke of how he started the revolution, and how he fought against the corruption of the senate. 

Eventually you felt comfortable enough to ask questions with him, but you felt nothing but pity. He had been through so much. However, you also felt conflicted- the Autobots are your friends, but you feel like this war has no point anymore other than for Decepticons to get some sort of revenge. 

You slowly began to chip away at Megatron’s cold spark, and he cared for you- even if he didn’t show it well. He loved the way you hummed softly your favorite songs, and how content you were to merely sit on his shoulder. 

Megatron would often bring you to large forests so you could enjoy the nature he found you enjoyed. 

One day, when Megatron was on a comm with Soundwave discussing something, you decided to take off. You wanted to be back with the autobots- not to say that you even hated Megatron after everything you had learned. You ran through the forest, getting turned around almost instantly. 

Almost immediately, you were snatched up into the servos of a very furious mech. Megatron had a deep scowl on his face. 

“After I bestowed all of the knowledge I had upon you, did you really think I’d let you go?” Megaton squeezed you painfully tight. “Don’t worry, worm. I won’t make the same mistake with you twice.”

Megatron, secretly heartbroken that you’d try to leave after creating a bond, locked you in a cage hanging in his room- with no way to escape his clutches. You would never be allowed out unless Megatron was with you. His trust would be hard to earn back- maybe even take your lifetime.

[matixv]

Domme Natasha Romanov x Sub Reader

summary: Natasha’s missions as an Hero always take her away from you for a long time. After a long mission, she comes home being incredibly nervous and on edge, and end up taking out her stress on you. That behavior ends as soon as your safe word is used, making her understand she was dealing with her pain in the wrong way. You are there to support her during her breakdown.

warnings: sub/domme dynamic, safe wording, kinda of unhealthy scene at first, anxiety attack, panic/anxiety comfort, aftercare, love and fluff. Maybe don’t read if you are little. (This is not even a scene, it’s just everything happening quickly)

words count: 1.5k

Disclaimer: the situation written below isn’t healthy, but it will be dealt with care and love by the ones involved. You’ll see the character experience an high stress level, and wrongly taking it out on the one person she loves. Everyone can experience a burnout, but don’t confuse it with mental and physical abuse. If you think you are being abused in your dynamic, please, contact the authorities or leave immediately.

————————————————————————————

During the scene there was a strange atmosphere, it was not like the other times. When Natasha came back from a mission, she usually gave herself time to change in comfortable clothes, eat and get back in shape before relieving her stress on you, but this time everything went differently. It was sudden, too sudden.

The mission itself was tremendous. You watched from home all the Avengers' moves, asking for news every two minutes, and you soon realized it wouldn’t be easy to forget, for all of them, but mostly for Natasha.

Clint had informed you of her condition: she was physically debilitated, mentally broken, and definitely more on edge than usual. The mission had triggered many memories now lost in oblivion, bringing her anxiety and pain. You were looking forward to seeing her again, you wanted to help as best as you could, but this time you both crossed the line.

When she opened the door, she was welcomed by the lovely and calm environment of your perfectly cleaned apartment. You were patiently waiting for her, your outfit cozy; the bathroom was ready for her and you neatly washed and folded her clothes, it was your love language.

She limped to the center of the apartment, closing the door behind her and not greeting you, not even with a lift of her chin. You didn’t want to invade her space, so you just stood up and walked up to her.

You looked at her, she was not the same person from when she left: her clothes were ruined, covered in dust and dirt, her hair was messy, she had blood on her lower lips and her eyes were swollen and… sad. The only thing shining was her favorite necklace, a silver arrow, a symbol of her friendship

with Clint.

Her hand rested on the kitchen island, a nervous sigh escaping her lips as she wiped her chin with her leather jacket. You already made some food and displayed it along with some beverages on the counter, but she looked hungry for another thing, you recognized that hunger.

It wasn’t a good idea, but you haven’t seen each other for a long time, and you couldn’t deny you were looking forward to touching her body and feeling her close again. You just didn’t expect her to be so eager.

Deep, strong and green eyes barely met yours before your lips and body were crashing. You felt the dryness of her skin against yours, trying your best to deepen the kiss as she lifted you and lead you to the bedroom. You stumbled against the furniture and the door frame, until a loud groan escaped her throat. “For god’s sake, fuck this door”

She pushed you against the wooden door, your back collided violently with it, a sharp pain hitting your body. You hissed when you felt the contrast with the soft and fresh mattress, your lungs finally having access to air again. “Natasha…”

“Shut up” she quickly hushed you, her hand covering your mouth. “That damn mission was a nightmare, I spent days without sleeping or eating, no one was helping each other, I’m fed up with being the only one who truly fucking cares about keeping the Avengers together.”

She was angry, furious even. Her hands were already squeezing your breasts, as her lips made their way to your collarbones, leaving her blood on your soft skin. “You smell so good, I want to mark you”. And with that, she did. You felt her teeth digging in your skin, and soon you found yourself moaning to the pleasurable pain.

It was pleasure, but not healthy.

“And I’m not Natasha, you should know the rules by now” she reinforced with grabbing your chin forcefully. She ripped your shirt open, giving you no time to realize what was happening. “Your nipples drive me crazy” she whispered against the soft flesh.

You melted underneath her hot breathing for a minute, until you felt the sharp pain of her teeth closing around your hard bundles. You gritted your teeth, grunting and holding her head between your hands. “Fuck” you yelled.

You tried to push her away, to disconnect her from the powerful hold she had on you, but you realized it was almost impossible. She was lost in her head, too lost to continue the scene while keeping it safe and healthy.

She started undoing the buttons of your pants, roughly pushing a hand through the fabric, sliding her fingers in between your folds.

You both agreed with each other on what you liked and disliked during your scenes: roughness was accepted, slaps and grabbing too, marks and bites were your biggest kinks, but right now they weren’t making you happy.

“Nat, stop” You mumbled when she pulled her body into yours even more. Your request was barely audible, but brought her attention back to your face, not with the result you were expecting tho. She grabbed your face between her fingers, her lips close to yours.

“You think I had fun with all those men? Uh? You think it was pleasurable to be surrounded by people who don’t understand you or your needs? I had the most horrible month of my life, I had to walk through my past all by myself, it wasn’t fun, trust me” she angrily whispered one centimeter away from your face.

That wasn’t the Natasha you knew, she wasn’t the same person who massaged your shoulders every night and handled you with care at all times. That was the ruthless black widow, who had to complete her goal and end the day as soon as possible.

That wasn’t the Natasha you knew, she wasn’t the same person who massaged your shoulders every night and handled you with care at all times. That was the ruthless black widow, who had to complete her goal and end the day as soon as possible.

Your eyes were filled with tears at the sight of that person you didn’t even recognize. "Why are you taking out your pain on me like this? I waited a whole month to have you back, and all you are giving me is a reason not to trust you anymore" you whispered, looking away. “Budapest”

Your safe word was loud and clear, echoing in the silent room. It was the first time you ever used it. The only thing that filled the silence were your small sobs and her loud breathing, a great contrast to the prior events.

The panic in her was obvious, her eyes going from yours to the marks she just left on your body. Her eyes were shiny, tiny droplets of sweat adorned her forehead, and her lips were red as fire. That word seemed to have snapped her out of the “widow” headspace, your Natasha was back.

A soft hand caressed your right cheek, a lonely tear escaping her eyes. “What did I do?” She whispered painfully. “W-What- I’m so sorry, I”. Her breathing was becoming faster, and her hands were trembling against you.

“Baby?” You softly called her, trying to get her to focus on you. “It’s okay, we are both okay, we are just tired”. When you tried to get her closer tho, she stood up, leaning to the nearest wall, and collapsed on the cold wooden floor.

“You shouldn’t trust me, I’m dangerous” she cried.

You took a deep breath, sitting on the edge of the bed and thinking the best way to approach her. You slowly sat on the floor, taking small steps towards the wall she was leaning on. “You aren’t dangerous, baby, you aren’t dangerous at all. They trained you to be dangerous, but here” you pointed your fingers to her heart. “Here, you are good, soft and caring. You kept your heart pure, Natasha”

Loud sobs filled the room, her stress being finally dealt with in the healthiest way. You gave her her space to cry, to feel and to take in everything that happened, it was a lot even for the strongest hero and avenger in the entire universe.

“I’m not going anywhere” you reassured her.

She slowly crawled into your caring arms, feeling your heartbeat and following the movements of your chest. Her face was wet, her eyes were swollen and her body was trembling, but you didn’t care.

Your Natasha was home, with you. “You’ll be staying here with me for a long time, I won’t be sending you to fight enemies like this. You need to take care of yourself, and I’ll help you with it. You are not alone, Nat”

You nuzzled in her hair, taking her under your protective wing while she was showing herself vulnerable. You knew that neglecting her true needs was what she was used to, but things were going to change. Sometimes we need to fight the enemies we have inside before fighting the ones that are waiting for us on the outside.

“You are safe with me, I’ll take care of you.”

[anxietycroissant]

So this has stalled but in case anyone else lets stuff slip through the cracks like I do on Ao3, here’s the first chapter of my (so-far) #sydcarmy rambling story that never gets to the point. It’s four chapters so far and I’m hoping this will motivate me to keep it going.

It takes place immediately post season 2 as Carmy gets busted out of the walk-in. It’s a bit feel-good so far but that is unlikely to continue without a few bumps in the road. Enjoy! If you’re lazy I’ve literally pasted the entire first chapter into this post like an absolute champ.

Chapter 1: Mister Freeze

Late night after Friends and Family

The Bear BOH, Chicago, IL

Syd entered the kitchen quietly from the door that led outside, wiping her dry lips with the back of one shaking hand. They had actually pulled off the night, even with Carmy stuck in the walk-in. She pulled her eyes shut as she felt a low swooping sensation in her stomach as the memory of her coming so close to giving up while doing expo flashed in her mind. She never thought she’d be so thankful to Richie. He completely saved her ass. She had wanted to thank him profusely at the end of the night, but he was nowhere to be found as Tony (or was it Terry?), the fridge guy, was breaking Carmy out of the walk-in. Her fingers had begun to haltingly compose a text to Richie to see where the fuck he was, but she figured that she’d save this big conversation for another day. Her gratitude was too big for WhatsApp and that’s just how it was. Plus, what in the actual hell was making her phone so greasy? Olive oil?

Richie unexpectedly saved the day… what the fuck was that? A smile edged up the corners of her mouth until her face ached. It was funny how much she needed to remember that sometimes people can still surprise you in the best ways. She frowned, as a cousin of that thought entered her mind. People can also let you the fuck down.

Carmy was her partner, and she valued his experience and opinion above almost everything. But he really lost himself. It wasn’t so much that he broke his promise to her that he wouldn’t let her drown. It was more that he just totally broke down. She’d never known somebody who could be both so brilliant and yet so unable to cope when things got tough. Everyone had tried to talk him out of his anxiety spiral, but nothing anyone said had done any good in the end. The only person who could help Carmy was Carmy, and that sure as shit didn’t happen.

She had heard bits and pieces of things he had said to Tina from inside the walk-in as she zoomed around the kitchen trying to get things done. She didn’t find out the whole story until later. After the last tickets of the night came through and the stress level of the kitchen started to even out, she realized that until that moment she had forgotten all about Carmy. That’s the thing about working at such a high level: it’s good and bad to focus so completely on something that you totally forget any and everything else.

The moment her thoughts circles back to Carmy, she stopped checking up on everyone and walked back towards the walk-in. The familiar scent of clean, hot dishes and the lingering odor of hot oil hit her as she shuffled tiredly away. She saw the back of Nat's blonde head and could almost physically feel the worry she was directing towards the metal door of the walk-in. Nat must have felt Syd watching her and whispered, “I keep wondering why this is taking so long! Pete keeps circling the block in the car waiting for me. I just want to see if Carmy’s okay, but every time I try to talk to him through the door he won’t say anything. He’s being such a little bitch right now!” She sounded equal parts worried and disgruntled, like always. Syd smiled and cracked a yawn. “You go ahead, Nat. I promise I’ll check up on Carmy and get him home safe. You and Pete head home and rest up. You were amazing tonight, but you look a little bit like…,” her face froze as she saw Natalie’s raised eyebrows. ”Yeah. Um, what I actually meant to say was that I’ve like, got this. Yeah,” she fumbled awkwardly.

Nat just nodded, not even hearing that Syd had basically tiptoed really close to telling her that she looked like hammered shit. “Thanks, Syd. I don’t know what any of us would do without you. Text me if you need anything or if I should come back, OK? And let me know what he says, yeah? And this is a big ask, but… can you see if you can get him to eat something?” Nat rubbed her eyes, causing her mascara to smear ever so slightly. Syd wondered what her own mascara was doing at that moment. “And oh yeah,” Nat spat out with venom, “It would also be great if you could calm him the fuck down and get him to stop getting in his own freaking way all the time.” She did have the decency to grimace in apology after that last bit. Syd cocked her head to the side, already feeling defeated. “Should I be like, taking notes, Nat? Or is that all?” Nat let out a harsh laugh and squeezed Syd’s shoulder, practically racing out the door. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney , ‘She’s leaving before I can change my damn mind.’

Syd leaned her back against the wall, and slowly sank to the floor to wait for Carmy to get out. She waited a few minutes longer before the guy whose name probably began with a T finished with the door. Before he opened the door, he said, “Hey, no offense, Syd… but can I get paid before I open this door? Carm has been saying some weird shit and I just want to get the hell out of here.” Syd nodded distractedly, running a hand along her braids. She reminded him just to bill them. She was not going to call Nat back in right now to ask what the new process for paying contractors was. And honestly, she wasn’t dying to know how much money it was going to set them back to have this emergency work done. Mystery Man just shrugged, his gesture seeming to mean that he didn’t trust her promises but that he was too tired to care. “Thanks so much for helping, have a great night!” Syd called out as Terry or Tim or Tony made a beeline for the exit.

‘Well, shit’ , Syd thought. 'He didn’t even open the door all the way.' She hoped she could. As she pushed, the door swung cleanly on its hinges until it was all the way open. She stepped in, the cool air a welcome change from the warm kitchen against her flushed skin. Carmy was just sitting there staring at the floor, seemingly unaware that he was free. With his arms wrapped around himself, he had his head down in between his knees. His blonde curls obscured his eyes, so she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Syd let herself sink down next to him. She cautiously put an arm around him and wrapped her palm around his shoulder. The cold of his shoulder reached up and bit her. He tensed up immediately but relaxed a bit when he realized it was her arm and not someone else’s.

“Syd,” he whispered hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Chef. I’m so, so sorry.” He either didn’t have the energy or the will to look at her. “I broke my promise to you already.” He seemed so bereft, so adrift, that Syd couldn’t even voice her anger or disappointment at that moment. “Carmy,” she said softly, “Let’s get you out of here and then talk about it.” She kept her arm around his freezing shoulder but got onto her knees so she could leverage her weight to help him stand up. She thought he would put up more of a fight, but he got up willingly enough. She dragged him over to his locker and then helped him into his wool jacket, and had to physically pull his feet out of his Birkenstocks and put them into his sneakers. It was a bit worrying, the way he was accepting her help without question. She got her bag out and changed her own clothes and shoes, and then they walked out to his car. He just stood there, so she told him she was driving him home. He didn’t argue, didn't smoke a cigarette, didn't give her shit. It all kind of worried her.

The atmosphere in the car was tense and quiet as soon as the doors shut. Syd turned on the radio to fill the silence. She was thankful that at least they weren’t listening to any of his fucking depressing music. Syd, under the guise of running a hand through her hair to tuck a loose braid behind her ear, was really sneaking multiple sidelong glances at Carmy as she drove to his place. To his credit, he wasn’t giving anything away. His blue eyes just stared straight ahead, devoid of any emotion. She kept hoping she could think of something to say, but her brain was maxed out. Also, she was pretty sure there was trash or something under the gas pedal, and she needed to focus on not killing them in a fiery car crash. Carmy started mumbling something as they approached his neighborhood, apparently to himself. Syd sighed and eventually found parking underneath a tree by his building.

Even later that night

Carmy’s apartment

The two of them slowly walked up many, many stairs to his apartment. Syd figured that this was the only way left to find a decent apartment in Chicago; find something on the hundredth floor with no elevator. She twisted the key in the lock and opened his door. They both stumbled inside. Carmy waved at her as he slowly slurred, “Thanks, Syd. Go home and get some sleep. You killed it tonight.” She gave him a half smile and nodded. But as she started to turn around and head for the door, something didn’t quite feel right. She whipped her head back around and caught Carmy shivering. He had apparently waited to fall apart until after she left. “Carm, what the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me you were so cold? We had the heat on high the whole way here,” Syd huffed, losing what little patience she had left. “We could have saved time going to the ER!” At that thought, Carmy really looked at her. And he looked scared. “Syd, please,” he whispered, “No doctors, okay? I just can’t. I’m so tired and those places freak me the fuck out.”

“All right, Carm, but I can’t leave you alone- and we’ve got to get you warm.” He just looked at her, utterly spent and waiting on her next move. “Shit,” she thought. Maybe he has mild hypothermia? Is that a thing? Can you be just a little bit frozen? She Googled it and it was a thing. She also Googled if spiraling makes hypothermia worse, but the only thing that Google advised against was hot baths. Not super helpful, but good to know? She was torn between calling an ambulance and trying to fix him herself. If she was being honest, she didn’t have the energy to convince Carmy to willingly leave in an ambulance. And she certainly didn’t have the capacity right now to get him down those stairs on her own. She sighed and decided to put the kettle on. His depressing apartment wasn’t helping either.

“OK, Carm, let’s get you into something warmer,” she said dully. He just stood there, so she slipped into his bedroom. Pulling open drawers that barely slid open, she found some sweatpants that somehow looked like normal sweatpants but also like an artisan had handcrafted them in a long-forgotten Italian village. As she ran her hands across the expensive fabric, she wondered where he shopped. And when did he shop? Did he secretly have a massive online shopping addiction, or did he spend every day off buying expensive as fuck sweatpants and obscure white t-shirts? After grabbing the sweatpants, she found a thick, long-sleeved tee. She also grabbed some boxers and thick socks.

As she padded back to Carmen, she saw that he was shivering more than ever. “Arms up, dude,” she said sternly. He put them up without a fight, although they shook slightly. She pulled up his shirt, catching her knuckles on his chest as she did. His skin felt like ice. ‘Shit,’ she thought. New clothes weren’t going to be enough. She slid the new shirt over his head anyway and helped him pull his arms through the sleeves. She tried not to stare at his body while he was in this vulnerable state, but it was an exercise in control. Because all of his muscles were on full display less than a couple of centimeters away from her eyes. If she had had more time, she’d have taken a mental inventory of a few new-to-her tattoos. Her face felt hot all of a sudden and she shook her head to stay on task.

He managed to get his shit together for a second and changed his pants and boxers in his bathroom with the door (halfway?) closed. He was taking too long, so she pushed the door open and pulled him back out. She gave him a long look, sighing. She didn’t like what she saw. A wax version of a person stood in front of her, without substance or colour. Maybe it was just her, but he looked even paler than usual. His skin normally had a golden undertone with a blush of red ready to rise up just underneath the surface of his skin. Not that Syd had perfectly cataloged the colors of his skin in her memory or anything. Because that would be a new level of weirdness. Just then the tea kettle began to whistle. Sydney took some dusty mugs down from his cabinet and some even dustier tea bags, making tea for them both.

She dragged Carmy to sit down on the edge of his bed and handed him the scalding hot cup of tea. He looked at it, then at her, and then back at the tea again. “Syd,” he trailed off. “I’m fucking cold.” Syd looked up at the ceiling. Why did this shit always happen to her? How did she find herself in these situations? She felt like she was in a really random episode of a TV show with endless seasons, like Grey's Anatomy. This scenario had played out at least a time or two on that series, she thought to herself.

She gestured to Carmy to take off his shirt. “It’s either that or we go to the hospital,” she warned, as he looked at her in disbelief. “We have to get you warmed up somehow, and I’m afraid to put you in the shower when you’re this cold. If you fall and pass out, I don’t think I can pick you back up. I know we’re the same height, but fuck, dude, I don’t work out!” He let her come closer and take his shirt off. The collar got stuck on his nose for a second, and Syd heard a high laugh escape from her mouth. “Cool, super cool,” Syd thought. “Real chill.”

She gently pushed Carmy down onto his pillow and then laid down beside him. She pulled the covers over them both and wrapped her arms gently around his body. His eyes were tightly shut, and his shivering shook them both. “Syd… I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this,” he whispered through chattering teeth. “Hey,” Syd whispered excitedly, “you said two whole sentences! That’s more than you’ve said in the last hour!” Her grin faded as she saw the misery etched on Carmy’s face. His body felt tense like he would bolt if he could. Did he really hate this so much, or was he simply ashamed to be so weak in front of her ?

“Hey, Carm, it’s just me. You can relax, let’s just... You know? Get you warm, ok? You’re totally fine. We’re just cuddling, right? Nothing scary is happening. It’s just me.” But then a sudden realization hit her. “Oh fuck,” she thought, cringing inwardly. He has a girlfriend. Who is an ER doctor? Of course he’s tense. “Carm, should I call Claire? I’m sure you’d much rather her do this, right? Especially since she’s a… fuck… I don’t know? Actual doctor who knows what she’s doing? I can’t believe I’m such an idiot! I’m so sorry!” But Carmy just shook his head, pressing it into her shoulder. He was mumbling, but his voice sounded much clearer than it had just a little while ago. “So Claire kind of heard me say some shit while I was locked in the walk-in. Yeah, I thought I was talking to Tina, but I guess Tina left? And I’m paraphrasing but I am pretty sure I told her she wasn’t worth all of this time? Pretty sure we’re broken up. So. Yeah. Please don’t fucking call her, Syd.” Carmy dragged his hands through his hair, which at this point made little to no difference. His hair was already wild after his jaunt in the walk-in.

Syd didn’t know what to say, because she had never known how to feel about Claire in the first place. Claire was fine? Perfect on paper, but not for Carmy. “Syd?” Carmy had apparently asked her a question. “Sorry,” Syd replied, “Are you okay? Uh.. fuck, you’ve had a bad night. I guess you were under a lot of pressure though. If you say you’re sorry and you didn’t mean it, I’m sure she’ll understand.” Syd believed this to be true while wanting it not to be true at the same time. She had that odd feeling of missing a step while walking down the stairs deep in her belly.

Carmy’s nose felt like ice against where it was wedged against her shoulder. “Look, I feel bad about how I said it, but I’m also relieved.” She could feel him smile slightly, the first bit of life she’d seen from him since the walk-in had been cut open. “I always really liked her, you know? And when we started hanging out, it was cool. But she got to see me when I was ok. I don’t think she ever saw that side of me, where I get angry or anxious or throw up or just guzzle Tums. For a while, I thought it was fine. But it’s not. And she reminds me of being a little kid. And like of how I was in high school. And that’s not her fault, I know. But I can’t be with her.” He sighed. “I’m not explaining it well at all, I know. But I’m glad it’s you here and not anyone else. I don’t think I could take it.” Sydney nodded, understanding immediately. “I get it,” she murmured softly.

She looked down and saw that her hand was lightly rubbing his back. His very naked, very muscular back. She felt the heat radiate from her cheeks, down through her arms and legs, and into the sheets. She was very, very thankful that Carmy was still out of it. Too out of it to notice that she was losing her damn mind. As her hands slowly rubbed up and down, she felt Carmy’s muscles relax bit by bit. He even felt a bit warmer now. Still fucking cold, but she didn’t think he needed the hospital anymore. He felt like he’d just come in from playing in the snow. The mental image of Carmy as a boy, coming inside from building a snowman, appeared in her mind’s eye. She had to bite down a smile.

“What?” whispered Carmy softly. “What made you smile just now? Where did you go?” Syd just shook her head. “It’s too embarrassing,” she admitted. “I’m sure it’s definitely more fucking embarrassing than what I’ve experienced tonight,” he deadpanned. She chuckled as he cracked a grin. “I was just thinking that now you don’t feel like ice anymore, and then I thought that now you feel like you’re just cold from playing outside. Like kids do after it snows.” Carmy pulled back to look at her. “Do you think we’d have been friends if we’d known each other back then?” he asked. “I don’t know,” answered Syd truthfully, staring up at the ceiling. “I was a major nerd. And I was also a lot younger than you. Four years was a big difference back then. That’s like ten years in kid years.”

Carmy stared at her. “Four years isn’t much anymore, though,” he breathed. ‘Fuck,’ thought Sydney desperately. ‘Don’t look at me like that with those eyes.” He scrunched up his blue eyes. “What do you mean?” He asked. “Oh, fuck. Did I say that out loud?” She laughed nervously. “Syd,” he stared at her as he shifted a bit closer to her. “What do you mean?” he repeated softly. There was no judgment in his eyes. He just wanted to understand.

“Jesus Christ, Carmy, you have to know that your blue eyes are enough to stop traffic. People in small villages would probably have a parade to celebrate that shit.” She shut her eyes tight and waited him out. She slowly opened one eye. Yep, still staring at her. He was smiling at her sadly. “I don’t think anyone is gonna throw a parade for me any time soon, “he replied. “But they definitely would for you.” She wrinkled up her face as though she had swallowed a mouthful of vinegar.

“Syd, you’re worse at taking a compliment than I am, fuck. You don’t see it, but you’re everything. Everyone loves you, you’re incredibly talented, and you- yeah, you’re just everything,” he sighed. “I don’t deserve you,” he says as he pushed a stray braid out of her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Syd,” he repeated.

Syd suddenly couldn’t think of anything to say, and her mouth was dry. As Carmy gazed into her eyes, she felt herself on the edge of something, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to go over. Trying to hang onto some semblance of normalcy, she squeezed his shoulder in reply. Carmy, whose arms had until now been resting at his sides, reached up to wrap an arm around her waist. She felt her skin warm at his touch, which was weird, right? The heat wasn't coming from his body; that was for sure. Was she freaking out? Was she breathing weirdly? Could he tell? Oh God. He seemed so calm, and she was losing her mind. Apparently not noticing her awkwardness, Carmy moved closer. She could feel his soft curls touching her cheek. She could feel his chest pressed into hers, soft and reassuring. He even smelled? Cold, somehow?

“Syd? This is really nice,” he whispered, stroking her back. “Carmy, why does your breath smell like spices?” Sydney couldn’t help but giggle. Carmy should smell like cigarettes and soap, and she finds the difference strange. “I was hitting the walk-in door, you know?” Carmy said softly, “And I accidentally knocked over a container of cloves. Luckily it was almost empty, but I got a fucking mouthful. It was intense.” He was staring at her again. She felt the places where his fingers touched her burn with electricity.

“I like cloves,” Syd said stupidly. Her cheeks started burning, and she groaned. “Don’t listen to me,” she murmured. “I’m fucking delirious.” She chanced another look at Carmy. Yep, still staring. “Syd,” he said quietly. “Look at me.” She forced herself to meet his gaze. She caught him looking at her mouth. He quickly looked up and had the decency to apologize with a look. He slowly brought a hand up to her cheek, feeling her soft skin. “Do you- can I-“ his words were cut off as Sydney suddenly sat straight up in his bed, causing his arms to fall away from her. “Carmy,” Syd breathed, “I.. I just can’t. I don’t know how to do this. After everything tonight- and Claire- and you probably had hypothermia just now- it’s a lot.” Carmy squeezed her hand in understanding. “Syd, I get it. I’m sorry. I should not have put you in this position tonight.”

Syd smiled sadly, her dark eyes wide. “But Carmy? I liked this. You know, except for the part where I had to basically carry you up the stairs. And the whole me worrying about you having hypothermia part? So ok now that I’m hearing myself a lot of it actually sucked? But also I got to see at least 17 tattoos I’ve never seen before, and I’m also not saying no, OK? I just think we need some time.” She got up then to stop vomiting out words. Carmy rolled out of bed too, swaying slightly as he stood. He put his arms around her in a tight hug. She leaned her slender body into him for a second, forgetting everything she’d just said. “Text me when you’re home safe?” he asked. His eyes smoldered. Syd was pretty sure she had never smoldered at anyone. “Yeah,” Sydney said unevenly. She somehow turned around and walked to the door without passing out. As she closed the door, she saw him, still staring at her. And “Jesus Christ, fuck me,” she thought. “Those abs. Will I see those abs again?”

As she walked towards the train, she looked at her phone and saw several messages and missed calls from Nat, each one more frantic than the last. She called her immediately, explaining that she had stayed with Carmy until he warmed up. She mentioned making the tea and helping him change his clothes, but she left out the rest. Natalie thanked her profusely before hanging up. Eyebrows raised, Syd threw her hands up as she walked. Being a human was so confusing sometimes.

[kyaa-q]

01. take a break

bahng chan x fem!reader - established relationship (they're both dorks and very much in love) a/n: just realized that "break" might imply like taking a break in the relationship but that's NOT it. it's literally just two adults having different lives but finding comfort in each other warnings: it's a little angst but mainly fluff? the reader is an academic so feelings of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed obviously but i think that's it. word count: ~8k synopsis: You are passionate about your field, but you'd be lying if you said that being in academia wasn't stressful, especially lately. Thankfully, you have Chan, the best person in your life and probably the only thing keeping you sane, although he's been having some problems himself with work too. What if all you both need was a break?

“I can swear you’re in the exact same position as you were when I left this morning.” You jump, startled by someone gently taking your headphones off, the statement almost as gentle. “Have you moved at all?”

Your boyfriend is smiling at you, a smile that is as if he’s caught you doing something bad. “Chan-“ you blink and realize when did it get so dark? Confused, you glance at the clock on your laptop. “Oh my- it’s 11pm?! Shit-” You stand up clumsy, rubbing the blurriness of your vision off your tired eyes and quickly go for a hug. He chuckles, hugging you back. “Hi baby. I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you coming in.”

He makes circles on your back with one of his hands, the other caressing the back of your head. “Yeah, I could see that.” He pushes you back a little, still holding you and kisses your cheek. “The question still stands, though.” He raises an eyebrow, glancing at your laptop screen and back at you. “Have you actually not moved at all? Have you even eaten?”

You chuckle, pulling him closer again and snuggling on him. “Of course I’ve eaten. I made some quick pasta for lunch.”

“For lunch?!” His voice is high pitched for a moment, showing his surprise. He squeezes you lightly without realizing. “You’ve had only lunch the entire day? You do know it’s eleven, right?”

“It was 3pm only a moment ago, I swear!” You rise your read so you can catch a glimpse of him, which he returns, looking at you tenderly. “I didn’t realize it was so late, I got a little caught up I think…”

The corner of his mouth lifts just slightly. “You think?”

You try to punch him playfully but he holds you stronger on his embrace, you both laughing. You take a deep breath and allow your body to relax in his arms. His familiar scent surrounds you and makes you dizzy. Would it be humanly possible to melt into someone else’s body? You both stayed like that for what seemed an eternity and a second at the same time, as time didn’t exist.

Academic life was hard. Researches and papers felt like never-ending tasks, quite literally. There’s this one specific thing you have to read about, but to understand this one thing you have to understand another three different topics that are important. So you get to that and then there are more and more references you need to check, also there’s that author that might have a different perspective and… Before you know it’s 11pm. The day has passed and the feeling of not having done anything adding to the already existing stress starts to sink in. Your thoughts are racing, the anxiety spiking as you start listing the priorities you gotta do tomorrow. Have I achieved anything today? And yesterday? There are a few errands that you need to get done by the end of the week and –

This all goes through your mind in less than a second, and Chan senses it. Suddenly, he’s holding your face, cupping your cheeks and keeping your eyes to his level. “Hey, it’s okay. What’s going through your mind?”

You can’t help it when your eyes start watering. “There’s so much to do.” You let out instantly, “so much to read still and it never ends –“ You’re not sure of anything anymore. Why are you so stressed? You take a deep and long breath. “Why is there always more? Why can’t things be as simple as thing X happens because of phenomenon Y because nature said so, thank you for your time?”

He coos, holding back a smile.  “Oh my poor smart baby,” His eyes full of overwhelming affection and admiration that warms your own heart. Still holding your face in his hands, he starts to kiss you everywhere, while compliments and words of admiration keep leaving his lips. “So smart” Kiss. “And intelligent.” Kiss. “And so-“ Kiss. “So-“ Kiss. “Pretty.” Kiss.

You’re giggling now and doing your best to push him away. “Okay! I get it! Stop!” He does the opposite and doesn’t stop, only kissing you more until there’s no spot on your face and jaw that he has not pecked, and you’re both laughing out loud. He pulls you closer one more time, hugging you tight and you squeak. “I understand how important this is for you,” he starts saying before letting you go. You exhale, fixing your hair and clothes. Chan takes his backpack you didn’t even see from the ground and places it on the couch, “but you really need to take care of yourself, Y/N. One meal isn’t enough and spending the whole day staring at a screen isn’t good for your eyes eith-“

It’s your turn to raise an eyebrow and he catches your smirk. “Oh, really? Tell me more about how one meal isn’t enough and how staring at a screen for too long isn’t good, Mr Bang Chan.”

He mimics your expression. “I hope you’re not insinuating anything?”

You shrug, smirking. “If the shoes fit.”

He laughs, pointing his finger at you. “Careful.” He walks back close to you and glances at the laptop again on his way. “Are you done? For tonight, I mean.”

Your shoulders fall. “Not really…” You’re hesitant. The whole thing has been stressing you out too much and after a whole ass day working on it without making any progress, the frustration is very real. Should I keep going? Can I stay up until what time without fucking up my entire sleeping schedule? Chan can see the engines spinning in your head and if he knows that if he waits a few more seconds, smoke might as well start coming out of your ears. He rushes to you, putting his hands on your shoulders and leveling his eyes to yours, trying to catch your eyes.

“Hey hey, it’s fine.” He puts his hands on your shoulders and squeezes them little, comforting. “It’s really late, right?” You mumbles something that he deduces to be an agreement.  He continues with a comforting and soft voice. “So I can go first, make some meat for you and, while I do that, you can start wrapping things up.” He pauses for a moment and he can see you thinking. “Tomorrow you’ll feel more rested and it’ll definitely be more productive, don’t you think?” He tries again.

He is right, of course. It’s so late and obviously there’s nothing you can do now that it could be productive, plus spending the whole day working is starting to play a tool on you, and you know you won’t last long. You hum, still stubborn because admitting that the best thing to do right now is to wrap everything up and continue tomorrow doesn’t make the guilt go away. Finally meeting up with his gaze, you see a growing, bright, genuine and hopeful smile on his face. You can’t help but giggle “Alright! Fine! You’re right! Understood, sir.”

He laughs and kisses the top of your head. “Sir? I like how that sounds.”

You pinch his arm, both with wide smiles. “Stop! I understand! I’m finishing it in a few minutes and I’ll go to you.”

“I win!” He steals a quick peck on your cheek and heads to the kitchen. You notice your cheeks hurt after smiling for so long. Not only that, but something else hurts. What is it? My heart? You place your hand over your chest and feel your heartbeat racing. It’s not hurting, you realize. You’re happy.

“You didn’t win shit, Christopher!” You yell. “I’m just tired and you happen to suggest it!”

You can hear his loud laugh from the other room.

Ten minutes later, you’re sitting in the kitchen watching Chan’s back while he’s humming some song you don’t recognize while finishing to cut some mushrooms. He was just so… perfect. Everything that he did, from the way he spoke, the way he acted, the way he saw the world and the way that he was just so… him. The way he existed and breathed and- “Which one is that?” You ask suddenly, cutting your own trail of thought before you could zone out too much, only by watching your boyfriend’s pretty back and hands while cutting some damn mushrooms.

“I haven’t showed this one to you yet.” He answers, finishing it quickly and putting it all in the pot. “It’s a track I made a while ago not really with anything in mind. But Han is working on this song and when I heard it, I immediately thought it’d fit, still…” He turns to you not stopping to stir the meat and mushrooms in the pot. “It’s still so… raw, you know? I know it has potential, but it’s not quite there yet.” He sighs heavily. “I’ve spent the past week working on it, it still feels like something is missing and it’s so frustrating.” He pauses and stares at nowhere, you know his thoughts are back to the studio, analyzing what could possibly be missing on this track.

You smile at him fondly, resting your head on your hand and elbows on the table. “And you won’t stop until you’re satisfied.” It wasn’t a question and you both know it, of course. He shrugs, holding back a smile. He knew it had potential, he knew that that specific track would work better than any other, so he was not going to give up until he finally achieved what he knew it to be possible. What he knew he was capable of doing.

“It’s not like we have a deadline or anything so I’m taking my time. Han isn’t in a rush either, although Bin threatens to beat me up at least three times a day for.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Why?”

“Apparently, seeing me frustrated makes him even more frustrated. He says that if I don’t figure something out soon, he’s gonna steal my laptop and run away with it so I can, quotes take a god damn and stop frowning for the love of god.” He tried to copy Bin’s way of speak and you laugh.

“He’s got a point.” You say and it is Chan’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Should I be worried? Are you running away with my laptop? You know I got it saved in other places yeah?” He says, as if he suddenly needed to convince you that it was not worth the trouble.

“I mean that maybe that’s what you need.” You say, trying not to laugh.

“Someone disappearing with my stuff?” He says and, for a moment, he does consider the fact that you might steal and hide his laptop. You laugh, while he takes the pot out of the oven and serves you a plate.

“A break, dummie.” You take it and look at him worriedly when he puts all the content on your plate and sits on the chair in front of you. “Aren’t you eating?”

He shakes his head and lean his chin on his hand, with a fond smile on his face that it makes your heart swell. “I’m not hungry.”

You furrow, “Not being hungry is not an excuse to not eating and you were the one who taught me that!” You were already standing up to get him a plate as well when he grabs gently your wrist, still smiling.

“Love, it’s okay. I mean I’ve already eaten” You stare at him, trying to find a trace of lie but all you can find is love and affection and you melt under his touch, he holds such an effect on you. He slides his hand down and intertwines his fingers with yours. “Sit back and eat well, yeah? I made it for you.” You simply nod and sit back, not letting go of his hand. You’re still holding hands over the table, his thumb caressing the palm of your hand.

“I don’t like the idea of you working all day, coming back and still having to take care of me.” You mumble. He raises his eyebrows surprised. “At work you’re always watching over the boys, the crew, the staff, everyone! And when you get home there’s me being a burden.” You meet his eyes, he blinks, confused waiting for you to finish your thought when you pause. “But who takes care of you, Chan?” Your eyes start watering again, but not from sadness and you know it. It’s from the overwhelming love you feel, and how you wish you had the power to protect him from everything in the world. It’s from love.

“Ohhh no! We’re not doing this!” He stands up quickly and grabs his chair with him, swiping it to your side so he can sit closer and look at you directly in the eyes. He places one leg at each of your sides, caging yours between his, also taking his hand into his “You.” He squeezes your hand. “You are the answer. You’re the answer not only for this matter but for any and all matters, do you understand me?” You’re holding his gaze and his hands, both are steady and firm, keeping you grounded. “You should never feel like a burden and I-“

“Chris, I don’t want you to comfort me.” You quickly interrupt him, letting go of his hands only to grab his face instead, just like he did to you earlier. You sit at the edge of your chair, getting closer and closer. “I’m not saying this for you to comfort me.” You say it again. Can I transmit the same feeling of security and steadiness to him as he does to me? You try, hoping that all the certainty of your feelings that you hold in your heard might be passed to him through your eyes. “I’m saying this because I love you. I love you so much, and I want to take care of you too.” How can I put all my feelings into words?

He leans his face onto your touch and kisses the palm of your hand. “You do already, Y/N.”

You roll your eyes, cupping his cheeks and bringing his eyes to meet yours again. “I’m serious!” He cups your face as well.

“So am I!” Now you’re two weirdos almost touching foreheads, holding each other’s faces. “You’re my safe place, do you understand that?” He emphasizes his words by squeezing your cheeks and moving your head slightly. “You give me comfort. Even if I have the most stressful, frustrating and upsetting day of my whole life, I know it’ll be okay. You know why?” He pauses, intensifying his gaze and you feel like your eyes might pop out. “Because I get to walk through that front door and find you, always here.” His grip is lighter and at this point your hands have fallen from his face to your knees, at the mercy of his feelings. You don’t answer, absorbing his words as if you could breathe them in or assimilate them through your skin. “Because I have these hands to hold.” He continues, now dropping his hands also to your knees, gently picking yours. “Because I have these arms to come back to.” He motions to your bare arms. He smiles slightly when he notices the goosebumps on your skin and you feel your cheeks heating up a little. “Because I have these shoulders to lean on if I ever need to. Because I have you. Actually, no.” He interrupts himself, and his speech is steady. “It’s because the world has you. Because this universe has you and I get to live in the same timeline as you. Because you, in all your mercy, have allowed me to be part of your life.” You rolled your eyes back, laughed and almost had tears falling down your face, all in one phrase and he holds back a smile. “That’s it. Because you allow me to be part of your life. And, even if I have the worst day ever, nothing matters when I’m with you and everything is perfectly fine again.”

You’re both silent for a moment. His hands are warm against your cold skin, a coldness that does not reflect the way you feel inside. You feel like there’s a Sun burning in your chest, and you wish you could rip yourself open only to give that burning star to the man sitting in front of you.

“Understood?” He asks. You bring his hands closer to your face and lips, kissing them tenderly and resting your face in them. He watches, caressing your skin. You mumble something against his palm and he chuckles, “Hm?”

“You have me.” You say again, louder and clearer this time, with eyes still closed focusing on the comfort of his touch.

“Excuse me?” He hesitates briefly and you open your eyes, meeting his slightly confused look.

“You corrected yourself when you said you could go through hard times because you had me. Then you said it wasn’t because of that, but because I allowed you to be in my life.” You pause for a moment.

“Okay. And?” He says and you continue, kissing his knuckles once more.

“And I’m saying you have me. I am yours. I just wanted to make it clear.” You finally open your eyes and find him staring at you. “I’m yours. You have me.”

With no surprise, he leans closer and your lips meet his, soft and warm. You rest your hands on his bare chest you smile. You can feel his heartbeat under your palms, as fast as yours. Good. I’m not the only one.

“And I love you.” You whisper between the kisses, suddenly realizing you hadn’t said it.

“I love you more.” He whispers back and deepens the kiss suddenly, stealing your breath away and making your head spin. He lean back and breaks the kiss as sudden as he deepened it. The sudden movement made you whine involuntarily, but he chuckles. “And because I love you, I need you to eat well so you have energy.” He stands up again and grabs the chair, ready to go back to his original place in front of you at the table. You hold his hand before he can walk away, looking up at him as you’re still sit. He looks down at you and the view is stunning, you don’t think it’s fair someone to look this good by just standing. His lips are puffy and his cheeks are a little rosy, his eyes are dark and shining with mischief. Have I died and I’m being welcomed in heaven?

“Why are you like this?” You let out before you can think about it, turns his head slightly, confused.

“Like what, love?” His voice is deep when he answers.

You let your breathe out, one that you didn’t notice you were holding. “It’s so unfair.” You start, and you know it’s pointless to try to size words now. To him, you, your life and your thoughts are all an open book. “You’re such a good person. What did I do to deserve you? Why do you still stick with me?” You say, instead.

He lets go of the chair and reaches the side of your face, caressing it. “Have you not heard anything I said in the past 10 minutes?” His tone holds a hint of humor, you both know, but it’s soft. His eyes are darker, hiding something you can’t quite tell, but it makes your heart skip a beat.

“You’re such a good person.” You repeat, as if he didn’t say anything. You lean onto his touch and close your eyes, trying to crave this scene into your head so you may never forget it. Chan watches you patiently, allowing you to use his hand for your own comfort while he stands in front of you. “It makes me want to hide you from everyone and everything that could potentially cause you any type of harm.” It’s silly, but it’s good to say it out loud. When you look at him, he’s smiling and his dimples are showing.

“I don’t think you can do that, sweetie.”

“I can, actually. It’s called kidnapping.” You quickly turn to bite his fingers lightly. He’s too immersed on you that he does not see it coming and squeaks, stepping back and holding his hands next to his heart, his face in an exaggerated shock.

“So we went from stealing things to kidnapping in only one night? What’s next? Murder?” Before you can reply, he continues. “Also, don’t get offended baby…” He goes to the other side of the table dragging his chair with him, and lets his body fall on the chair. “But I’m just a little stronger and bigger. I don’t think you could kidnap me that easily.” You turn to him, consciously avoiding the undertone in that statement. With the fork in one hand, you reach for his hand with the other over the table. He meets your hand instantly and you don’t know if it was conscious or if it’s just part of the habit now.

“I work smarter, not harder.” You say shrugging it off and taking a bite of your dinner.

“Calling Changbin to knock me out isn’t working smarter. You know that, right?” He replies instantly and you start coughing, caught by surprise by the accuracy of it and almost choking on the food. He laughs and stands up quickly, coming back with a cup of water the second after. You thank him, but your hand now feeling empty.

Can he read minds? “He wouldn’t say no. It’s for the greater good.” You shrug again, pretending to be unaffected – which you clearly wasn’t.

“And what is this so greater good?” He sits back and crosses his arms, and you feel his stare at you burning your skin. He knows the effect he has. He’s so hot it’s annoying. You clear your throat and goes back to eating, but you can swear his smirk grew wider.

“You. Taking a break. That’s the greater good.” You say after one or two bites. Still, unable to meet his eyes, as the room is too hot out of sudden. All you can do is just hope that your face isn’t as red as you feel it is. “It’s really good.” You glance at him quickly, pointing at the food, turning your eyes down back to the plate. He’s enjoying your embarrassment and it only makes you feel your skin get hotter.

“I’m glad.” He’s sincere. “It’s not like I’m overworking, though. Why would I need a break?”

“Your parameters of overworking aren’t exactly the best to decide it.” The words leave your mouth before you can think them over, but you don’t regret it. You finally get the courage to look at him and he’s still smiling, unaffected, clearly having fun.

“Ouch. What does that even mean?”

“Overworking for you is like… Not being able to walk because you’re too tired for not sleeping for three weeks because of some comeback or something.” He ponders for a moment and you watch him, he raises his eyebrows and makes a face that says Yeah, actually. “You should allow yourself to have some breaks even before you reach your breaking point. No pun intended.” His eyes are back to yours. “Maybe that’s what you need. A break, some space to breathe and allow your mind to relax.”

“I am relaxed, though.” Chan says.

“You know what I mean.” You point the fork at him and he raises his hands in a sign of withdrawal. You hum, approvingly. “Have you ever thought that maybe that’s what you need to finish that song? A little bit of inspiration?” The question is genuine, no judgments whatsoever and he knows it, it just came to your mind.

Chan looks away from you for a second, thinking about what you just said. “I don’t know if inspiration is the right word. I just… I don’t know why I’m stuck.” He shrugs, “I’ll get over it eventually.”

“As you always do.” The words come out naturally and he smiles.

“You have a lot of faith in me, huh?” He comes closer to the table again, resting his chin on both his hands over the table.

You try not to get affected by how stunning he is and how hot his smirk looks. “You’re Christopher Bahng Chan. You can do anything.” And, from the bottom of your heart, you mean it. Chan reaches your hand over the table again and you allow him, intertwining your fingers together. He doesn’t reply and neither do you, so you just focus on finishing the great meal your incredible boyfriend had prepared just for you, as good as it’d be if it was a meal prepared by a famous chef in a fancy restaurant. Actually, it tastes better.

You wake up a little groggy and confused to the sound of your ringtone. Where’s the damn phone? You stretch your arms and legs on the bed, trying to find the phone when you finally find it on the ground. You reach to it to see Chan’s name on the screen. What time is it?

“Morning, sunshine.” Is it even possible to hear the smile on someone’s face? “Did I wake you up?” His voice is gentle, knowing that he did. You groan a little, with the face still buried on the mattress.

“What time is it?” You muffle.

“It’s seven right now, love.”

“P.M?!” You jump, sitting straight. PM?! How could I’ve slept so much?! You hear his laugh on the other side while you get up and start fold your sheets.

“No love. t’s 7 AM.”

You breathe out, blinking in the dark room, letting yourself fall onto the bed again.  “Do you want me to have a heart attack?!” You stretch and sit back. “Wait, isn’t it Sunday?” You check your phone while on the call. “It is Sunday.”

“It is Sunday.” Chan repeats and you can hear him smiling.

“Chan.” You say, trying to get your thoughts in order. It’s 7 in the morning. Of a Sunday. Why am I awake at 7 in the morning of a Sunday?

“That’s me.”

“Why are you awake at 7 in the morning on a Sunday?” You question instead. “It’s literally the only day you can sleep in.” You rub your eyes, as your vision is getting used to the darkness.

“I had some plans.” He says simply.

You look around your room. Could you go back to sleep after that? Was it worth to try? “And why are you calling me at 7 in the morning on a Sunday, may I ask?”

“You’re fully awake now?” He asks back.

“What?” You groan, standing up. You head to the window, giving up on the thought of going back to sleep. “I guess so? Why do you a –“ you finally pull the curtains, allowing the sunlight to come in and blinding you for a moment.

When your eyes adjust with the light, it’s hard to not see the fancy black car on the street with the handsome man casually leaning on it.  The view stands out. He’s wearing a black shirt and dark green shorts, you can see the fluffy slightly curly dark hair and when you meet the man’s eyes. He smiles and waves one of his hands, keeping the other one on the side of his face. Of course it’s Chan.

“Morning, sunshine.” The smile you hear matches the smile you see on the face of the man standing in the front of your building.

“It’s too early and I’m confused.” You let out. “What –“

“I know.” His voice is so soft and gentle, caressing your skin even though he’s meters away. He takes a step and turns away, placing his phone on his shoulder so he can keep talking to you while having both of his hands free. He opens the car and grabs a paper bag and a cup from inside. “I have coffee and croissants for you.” He waves them to you.

“Chan, why didn’t you simply come in? You literally have the keys.” You say tired and exasperated. Chan didn’t need to call you to come to your place. He had stopped doing so a while ago and, even though he felt awkward in the beginning, it made you extremely happy. He had started treating your apartment – your home – as his home too.

“Because we have plans” He says. “And there’s a chance that if I were to go in and saw you sleeping comfortably and all tucked up in your bed, I would simply give up on them and stay in bed with you.”

“That doesn’t sound like a bad plan to me.” That had been a plan of yours so many times. He follows your smile.

“It doesn’t.” He laughs and puts the bag and the cup back in the car, closing the door with his foot. “But again, this isn’t our plan for today.”

“Is it not?” You tilt your head, visibly so he can see. You’re speaking staring at him directly.

“The coffee is getting cold.” He warns simply.

You shift and comes back inside. “I need answers!” You’re looking around, lost and dizzy, still waking up. “What do I need to do?”

“Come here?”

“I need to know where we’re going!”

“You will know. In time.” He’s having so much fun.

“Chan, I need to know what to wear!” You start going around your wardrobe, you don’t have many items anyway.

“Oh, true.” He hums. “Yeah, okay.” He sounds defeated. “I don’t want you suffering with bugs or mosquitos. We’re staying outside today, that’s all I can say. So… I don’t know.” He pauses.  “Maybe pants so you don’t get bit?”

“Should I bring sunscreen too? A bag? Should I bring a backpack? What do you mean with staying outside?” Your thoughts are racing and confused, as it was expected for a Sunday morning. “Should I have planned anything for this?” Your heart skips a beat. “Oh my God, what day is today?”

He laughs. “Hey, breathe! It’s okay! There’s no special date today!” You exhaled, relieved. “Don’t worry about bringing anything, I got everything.”

You find some baggy pants and a white top. That will have to do it.

“Thank God.” You say without thinking – forgetting things were your specialty and, although Chan knew it and never blamed you for forgetting birthdays and stuff like that, it never stopped you from feeling guilty every time it happened. You grab the jacket laying on your chair. “Give me 5 minutes and I’ll be right there, okay?”

“Take your time.” He says and, before you can hang up, he adds “Seriously. Take your time.” You walk back to the window and looks at him, waiting. He says, “The cup is empty. I wouldn’t give you cold coffee, we’ll get fresh ones on our way.”

You raise your eyebrow, “Wait, did you seriously lie about the coffee just to make me walk quicker?”

“Maybe. I love you.” He sends you a kiss and hangs up. You reply with an offended and shocked face before you turn around to walk towards the bathroom to wash your face.

What does he have in mind?

“Lying about the coffee was a stretch.” You say, entering the car on the passenger side and kissing him on his smiling lips.

“Was it though? I wasn’t planning on it, but the cup was here from yesterday. Also, how else would I get you out of the bed in…” He checks his watch. “Whoa, 10 minutes? That’s a record.”

You roll your eyes. “You could’ve said my handsome boyfriend was waiting for me outside. I would’ve made it here in 5.”

“You know that’s a lie.” He says and leans to put the seat belt on you. You jump on him, kissing him all over his face. “As if coffee didn’t come first.”

“I’d quit caffeine completely if you asked me to!” You say, dramatic, and he laughs.

“Liar.”

“I’m serious! Is that what you want?” Your eyes are wide open. “Okay. Fine. I’ll quit caffeine. I’m never drinking coffee ever again.” You say, decisively, while he finishes putting your seat belt and leaning back on his seat.

“Why would I ever want you to suffer like that?” He starts putting his own belt and turning the engine on.

“You’re my caffeine, I don’t need anything else.” You smile batting your eyelashes.

“Is this you trying to flirt?” He raises an eyebrow, and smirks at you “Why? Because I’m hot and keep you awake?”

You say instead, “I mean you’re my priority and I’ll do anything. You want me to stop caffeine? Fine. Sugar? That’s okay. Water? Food? Who needs those things? I can –“

“I don’t know where this is coming from, but if anything, I want you to drink more water and eat better, not the other way around.” He glimpses at you, smirking. He’s so handsome when he’s driving.

“Ouch. Okay. Fair.” You give up and turn to face the window for a moment. “Wait, whose is this car?” You start looking around, it smelled like it was brand new. Plus it was definitely hella expensive. “Did you steal it? Is that why we needed to leave soon? Are we running from the police?” And you look at the street, looking for sirens.

He laughs. “Why? Can’t this be my car?” He plays to be offended and you stare at him.

“You barely spend money on anything for yourself.” You say. But he did say that the empty cup was here already… He’s smiling.

“I did buy this one, though.” Your eyes shoot at him.

“There’s no way.”

“It is. I was kinda tired of asking the company for cars and drivers. It’s good to have a little bit of autonomy.” His smile is gentle, not mischievous, and you can’t find a trace of lying.

“Oh my god, you did buy it.” Your mouth falls open. “What the f – That’s so cool.” You can’t help but laugh. Chan did it, he bought a car for himself. “Oh my God this is so cool! This car is amazing! When did you buy it? Why did you choose this one? Wait, when did you buy it? Why am I only knowing about this now?”

“Are you capable of just enjoying today without asking questions?” He gives you a side eye and smile.

You cross your arms. “I just found out my boyfriend got an expensive ass car and is taking me to God knows where. I have the rights to ask questions.”

“We’re going to a coffee shop get you fresh coffee.” He takes the turn and at that moment and you see yourself in front of your favorite coffee shop. He turns his face to you and signalizes with his head. “One americano for me, please. I’ll wait here.” Giving him a break from the questions, you’re about to open the door when you realize that, after leaving in such a rush, the only thing you brought with you was your phone. Everything else was at home – including your wallet. “Hello?” He waves his card in front of you. “Go ahead.”

“But –“ You start saying before he interrupts you.

“Baby, it’s just a coffee. You’ll get me something another day, okay?” His smile is soft and you know it’s not an empty promise, since you both are always paying for each other.

“Why did I forget the god damn wallet?” You mumble grumpily as you leave the car.

“Thank you, love!” He says louder before you close the door.

“Okay, so where are we going?” You take a sip of your iced coffee and hand it to Chan, letting him take a sip of yours while you hold it. Both his hands are busy: one on the wheel, and the other laying on your knee.

He takes a big sip and then you bring it back to you. Indirect kiss. You glimpse at the GPS on the screen to know where you’re heading to, but all it says it’s that it’s almost two hours away. “Thank God it’s not raining today.” It’s all he says.

“You’re really not going to tell me?” You take a sip of your drink.

“You won’t stop asking questions? You’re making it seem like it’s bigger than it actually is.”

“You’re the one not wanting to tell me! What if I had plans today?”

His eyes widen open and he turns to you, tensing his grip on your knee slightly. “Did you?” You reach him the cup again, allowing him to have another sip from your drink while you have one from his.

“Eyes on the road, driver.” You point forward and he instantly looks straight. “I didn’t.” And you add. “But I could.”

He visibly relaxes. “You scared me. I thought about doing this yesterday but you said you’d hang out with your friends to a pub. Since you didn’t say anything I assumed you didn’t have anything today.” He was right. You were supposed to go out with your friends last night… You reached him his drink, allowing him to have a sip from his americano for once.

You shrugged it off. “I canceled yesterday.”

He shoots a look at you again arching his eyebrows. “Why?”

“Just didn’t feel like it.” The hand on your knee gently squeezes it.

“Liar.” He says simply, and suddenly the ice in your cup seemed interesting, so you avoid his eyes.

You stayed quiet for a few minutes, before speaking again. “Alright. I just… I don’t know, okay? I have this huge essay due Tuesday and have barely started it! I’d feel so guilty” You mumble the last part. He caresses your knee, reassuring.

“Oh, baby.” His voice is sad. “Did you get anything done?” And you know it’s as important to him as it’s to you.

“I did, actually!” You smile, assuring him. “I’m okay. It’s fine, really. I really didn’t feel like going out to drink anyway, the work wasn’t just an excuse.” You aren’t lying, and you can see his eyes jumping from you to the road repeatedly.

“Great!” He gently taps your leg. “Thank God! Because I could really turn around and go back to your apartment if you wanted to, but I really think that’s for the best.”

“And that is…?” You put your empty cup on the cup holder of the car, letting your hand land on his. His hand, holding and squeezing your knee eventually, now turns around and holds yours back, his thumb caressing the back of your hand.

“Day off for both of us!” He replies, brightly. “You’ve been drowning yourself in papers and researches lately, more than ever. One day I might get home only to find you buried literally in mountains of papers and papers.” Your heart aches when he refers to your apartment as home. His home. “What would I tell people then? Oh sorry, my girlfriend died from reading too much? Her brain got so big from being so smart that the body didn’t follow and it just shut down?” You both laugh.

“What about you, Sherlock? Your sleeping habits are the worst I’ve ever seen and that’s not even an exaggeration! And you literally work almost twice as much as I do.” You add. “What will I do when I go to the studio and find that your headphones have melted into your head? It might be changing the shape of your skull and you don’t even know.” You poke his head playfully, after you placed the other cup between your tights, and you run your hand through his soft hair.

His eyes widen, playfully. “Is that possible?” You laugh steal a quick kiss on his cheek, right on his dimple. “See? That’s why I said today is a day off for both of us, and not only for you. I was thinking about what you said the other day, about me needing some inspiration…” He doesn’t the sentence.

“Did you finish the song?” Your hand slid down, laying behind his neck and massaging him gently.

He makes a tsk sound. “Not yet. But it’ll be fine.” He turns his head to you and smiles fondly. “It is fine now.”

You kiss his cheek again. “Eyes on the road.” He chuckles and does as he’s told. “So?”

“So.” He smiles and continues, keeping his eyes on the road. “Maybe inspiration isn’t really the word I’m looking for, but just fresh air, you know?” You hum, of course you know. “Maybe I just need to do something different, look around in different places, maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for.”

“And do you know what you’re looking for?” You keep putting pressure on his neck and he tries to lean into your touch slightly, making your heart swell.

“Not really.” He says simply.

“But you’ll know when you see it.” You say in a calm voice. Again, it wasn’t a question.

“But I’ll know when I see it.” Chan says back and holds your gaze for a moment, then turning it back forward. You press the button and open your window glass. “Baby the A/C is on, wh-“

You lean on the door and rests your arms and head on the now open window. Feeling the strong wind on your face and messing your hair, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. You put one of your arms out the window, and watch your fingers dance with the strength of the wind.

“You okay?” Chan asks after a moment, caressing your leg gently.

You turn to him, still keeping the arm outside, and smile at him. “I’m enjoying.”

He smiles back. He takes his hand off your leg and you pout secretly, he opens his own window and switches hands on the wheel, keeping one arm out the window just as you. You turn to appreciate the landscape. There are a few houses here and there, but it’s mostly trees and you love it. You’re far from any city now, and you love it.

Chan turns the music on, putting The View on speaker and you can’t help but laugh. “Too cliché?” He asks, looking for other songs.

“No!” You take his phone away from him, locking the screen and giving it back. “It’s perfect.” And you kiss him on the lips, only for two seconds, tenderly and softly, and sits back on your seat.

“Eyes on the road?” He says uncertain, predicting what you’d say next, but smiling. You show him thumbs up before leaning back onto the door. “Head inside the car, please!” You hear him saying as you sing I like the view right now from the top of your lungs, to the whole world to hear, followed by Chan’s wonderful laugh.

The road is straight and empty, and it seems endless until your eyes can reach. It could as well be endless and you wouldn’t mind. Suddenly, two hours seemed too short.

And it was, indeed, too short. Although the road wasn’t always straight. At some point, you started heading upward the hills, taking so many turns you just hoped the GPS never stopped working or else you both would stay lost in the woods. The trees closed around and everything was green green green, but before you could think about asking for a stop to explore around a little bit, Chan takes another turn and you see an open space with two other cars parked. “A parking lot in the middle of the woods?” You can’t help but ask out loud.

He laughs, parking the car perfectly and with no difficulty. He turns the engine off and gets off the car, and before you can even finish unlocking your seat belt, he’s already by your side opening the door for you and reaching your hand. You accept and hugs him as soon as you stand up, throwing your arms around his neck and looking up to him. “Am I getting any information now?”

He wraps one of his arms around your waist and closes the door with the other, he leans on the car and pulls you closer standing between his legs. “The way you speak, people will think I tricked a pretty girl into bringing her blindly to the woods. How would that sound?”

“Didn’t you just describe what happened?” You tilt you head.

He laughs and gently puts a strand of your hair behind your ear, letting his hand rest there. “It’s not much.” He says, softly. “We’re having a day off. A little bit of hiking, being around nature, a picnic… There’s a point that apparently you have an open view of the entire world.” He whispers this last part in your ear and you chuckle, his warm breath tickling your skin. “Wouldn’t you like that?”

“The entire world?” You whisper back in an exaggerated awe.

“I know, right?” He follows. “But that’s it. Just you and I today, and our only job today is to enjoy the nature.”

“And each other.” You complete his phrase and he smiles, knowing you got his goal and you never felt so grateful. Being around nature was healing, and being with Chan was even more. You lean closer and bring your lips to his, allowing yourself to melt under his touch. One of his hands lays on the back of your head and the other palms your back, pulling you closer and closer. It’s not enough. You want to dive into him. You want to merge your body to his. Having him hugging you tightly and conducting the kiss, you feel like you’ve been holding your breath your entire life and now you can finally breathe. “I love you, have I told you that?” You whisper into the kiss, making he laugh.

He leans toward you once more, kissing you fiercely for a moment and then leaning back. You whine at the loss. “Hmmm.” He looks away and pretends to think, tsking. Both his hands are on each side of your hips, his hands softly caressing your body over the top. “I don’t think you did.” And he looks back at you.

“I love you. A lot.” You say quickly, and he tsks again.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. What did you say?” He smiles, turning his ear to you. You have the urge to yell you love him, and you almost do, but when you lean closer to his ear and breathe in, you whisper instead.

“I love you, Bahng Chan.”

And maybe he thought you’d scream too, because your whisper clearly caught him off-guard and he blushes slightly. He cleans his throat and gives you the most tender kiss on the forehead. “I love you too.” He mumbles in your skin. “So let’s enjoy today, yeah?”

Honestly, you don’t know if it’s something in the air. Maybe it was the trip set that you in a good mood. Maybe it was only your eyes, your imagination, but you couldn’t help but think the sky looked bluer than usually. Maybe it was the fresh air and the smell of wood and leaves flying around. Maybe it was the cold breeze that crossed that made your whole body get goosebumps. Or maybe it was the coffee from you had with him earlier, that somehow tasted better than any other coffee you’ve had your entire life, even though you ordered the usual. Perhaps the birds chirping and the wind blowing the tree, maybe the rays of sunlight crossing the layers of leaves and branches until they reach the ground, that made it all seem like a painting. Maybe that’s all it. These might be the some of the reasons why you feel the way you feel right now.

But then you’d be fooling yourself. You know what it is, in fact. It was him. Chan had this effect on you from day one. He had the power to set you in a good mood regardless of the circumstances. Because you felt like the world shone in a different light when you were with him. That, by his side, the sky would always look bluer and the sun would always shine brighter. Because his touch was electrifying and your body reacted to the most tender and light of his motions, giving you butterflies from his smile. Even the coffee. You had it with him, and anything experienced next to him would feel like the best of your life. The birds were chirping and you could hear the rustle of the leaves, but, truth be told, if you had to choose only one sound to hear for the rest of your days, it’d be his laugh. The sunlight diving through the branches was indeed pretty, but you didn’t notice much other than how his skin looked under the golden light.

Bahng Chan is the reason why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling right now. Because you could be in the middle of the woods, in the depth of the ocean or thrown somewhere in the desert, in a busy pub or on the top of a mountain… Anywhere really, and if you were with him you’d still feel the same.

[drewsbuzzcut]

https://www.tumblr.com/drewsbuzzcut/749034485998305280/how-did-the-first-time-scarlet-and-tito-see-each

Can we get a blurb of this? Bc I can see Beau is entranced by her body, and once he feels her soft skin he’s in heaven

Warnings: talks of sex and nerves/anxiety

Tito watches as Scarlet sits on his king sized bed. She fiddles with her hands in her lap, eyes downcast. Not even the clear of his throat gathers her attention. She’s clearly shivering, the cool air not helping.

“Scarlet, are you sure you’re okay with this? We don’t have to do anything, if you’re not comfortable,” he tries to soothe her worries, but it honestly makes it worse.

Scarlet doesn’t want him to think she’s toying with him or trying to be a tease.

“No! I’m fine, I promise. I just… I need to get undressed,” Scarlet says, trying to pose her voice as calm and collected. She gives Tito a nonchalant shrug and starts to pull of her pants and clothing.

“Scar, you don’t have-“ his sentence falls off the moment she pulls off her underwear and unhooks her bra.

The words catch in his throat at the sight of her. She’s gorgeous. Without even having to touch her, he can tell her skin is silky smooth. The curves of her body look like they’d fit perfectly in the curve of his palm.

“Have what?” She asks, brows furrowing at Anthony’s lack of words.

“Sorry. I just meant that you didn’t need to get undressed if you’re uncomfortable,” he finishes his previous thought.

His eyes can’t leave her body and he doesn’t feel like forcing himself to look away.

“What am I doing? Oh my god,” Scarlet gasps once she realizes the level of the situation she just put herself in. Why the hell did she just get fully naked in front of him?

She starts freaking out, walking back and forth and shaking her head. The girl’s nerves make anxiety churn in Tito’s chest. He cannot have her feeling so stressed.

“Scarlet, it’s okay. You’re okay. It’s just me. You have nothing to worry about. It’s just me,” he states after pulling her into his arms.

He cups her cheeks and her eyes finally meet his.

“I want to have sex with you,” she says, grabbing onto his wrist.

“I want to have sex with you, too. Do you trust me?” He whispers, his nose trailing up her neck. He places a soft kiss on her jaw and Scarlet feels like she can float away.

“I do,” she affirms. “Just promise me one thing. No kissing at all,” she tells him her one condition.

Tito nods with no hesitation.

[nightghoul381]

Your Journey~Keith Howell x Reader

A little mini-fic

Genre: Hurt/Comfort and a lil bit of fluff

It’s been so incredibly difficult lately. Everywhere you look it seems there’s someone who can do what you’re doing, but so much better than you feel you’ll ever be able to do it. Every time you feel you’ve improved, you’ll see that everyone else has seemingly improved as well. It’s been wearing on your resolve, all of the effort you’ve put into honing your skills and you still feel so far behind the others around you.

Keith can tell you’ve been feeling off. His large hand comes down on your shoulder, gently rubbing his thumb into your muscles, noting how tense they are.

“Is everything alright? You don’t seem to be feeling like yourself.”

His tall frame bends at the waist, golden honey eyes gazing at you with question and concern. Ordinarily you would be able to flash a bright grin and play off your feelings as if they were nothing more than nerves or exhaustion. But Keith knew you well enough by now, and you knew you would never be able to convince him that nothing was wrong.

“I suppose… I’ve been feeling… inadequate. Nothing I do these days seems to be on the same level as the everyone else,” you admit, turning as if to hide your face in shame.

“How could that be? Aren’t you working hard, putting such constant effort?” Keith asks, cupping your cheek with his hand and gently guiding you back to face him.

“It’s not enough,” you sigh, letting your eyes fall away. You can feel your emotions bubbling up and threatening to close your throat.

“Who says your effort isn’t enough? I see that you’re working hard every day to improve and become even better than you were yesterday. How can you think that what you’re doing isn’t enough?” Keith brings his lips to your forehead, pressing a slow soft kiss to your skin.

“You’re expecting so much of yourself, even though your circumstances are so much different than others. You can’t expect your progress to look the same as everyone else when your starting point is in a completely different place. Each person’s experience is unique, so it’s unfair to measure yourself against the achievements and skills of other people.”

Keith tugs you into his arms, holding your head close to his chest. His steady heartbeat and warm embrace seem to be just the thing to melt your stress and anxiety away. You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding and allow yourself to fully relax.

“All you can ask of yourself is to try your best. If you’re doing your best then you’re doing wonderfully. You can’t exactly expect more than the best from yourself now can you?” Keith’s deep chuckle fills the room, one of his hands coming up to stroke your hair.

“Thank you, Keith,” you sigh, “I am incredibly lucky to have you.”

“Ah, no! I’m lucky to have you! Any man would be over the moon to be able to spend life with you and for some reason you’ve chosen me. I don’t understand it but I’m endlessly grateful! Truly!” Keith sputters, leaning back to look down at you.

The blush painting his cheeks fills your heart with affection. Your stag prince can be so blind to his own worth sometimes, and it seems he feels the same way about you. Perhaps you should allow yourself just a bit more grace.

I hope you enjoy my dear friend!! @keithsandwich

[skepticalarrie]

For some of us new larries it takes about a few days to read the bbg masterposts and realize that Louis is not a father, it's kind of easy because you've collected good archives over the years, but my question It's that for those of you who were around when bbg happened, did you realize it was fake from the start ?or did it take some time to put the information together? How did you guys feel when the news was published? Was there anxiety? How was it

In fact, anyone who believes that Louis is a father ,that person is just lazy and doesn't want to read bbg masterposts and doesn't want to know the real story.

Hi, dear. How are you?

Oh yes, absolutely, right from the start. I know that a lot of people have a hard time to understand that now, but babygate and the rainbow bears were happening at the same time, so for us it was never more clear that Larry was real and that they were together. The idea of Louis getting a random girl pregnant was simply laughable from any perspective…. I remember really trying to look at it and considering if it could be real somehow.

I can’t speak for other people, only about my own experience and it’s been a while, so I don’t really remember any details. But at first was really confusing because we didn’t know where it was coming from. Within hours, the news was all over the place, so differently from a PR relationship where more consistent ~rumours~ come with pap pictures or something, with babygate the only thing we had for weeks were tabloids selling that same story over and over. So I think many of us were trying to make sense of the situation and asking ourselves are they really doing this? Can they do this? I mean, a fake baby is a whole new level. It was hard to accept and understand that. For me, partyboy!louis was already a pretty difficult time, I remember seeing the entire thing as a stunt already and I was actively avoiding everything about it, I barely even knew who Briana was. But it was complete radio silence for a while, they were performing several times a week and… nothing. And then Simon Cowell confirmed it in an interview and that’s when it probably hit us all. Yes, they were really doing this. And then the GMA interview was heartbreaking on a lot of different levels. I don’t get usually get that emotionally involved in stuff like that, but I cried so much on that day.

After the confirmation, there were a lot of discussions and questioning on why, trying to understand something, anything. Trying to piece things together. It only got more fake and more serious over time, at first it felt only a “scandal”, they wouldn’t go forward with the entire pregnancy thing… but they did, every single evidence about the fake pregnancy just started to land right into our laps. It was absolutely effortless to see how inconsistent the entire thing was with Briana. It was sad and stressful, to be honest. It was fucking hell, having to watch such a big lie like that develop the way it did.

[otomeomegaverse]

omega idia spending his first heat w alpha reader? :3

My dear, this shall get interesting:

Warnings: ABO instincts, omega Heat, NSFW, possible pregnancy tw.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Idia paced around his room, his anxiety and stress fairly high this time. He was normally a very anxious Omega, but thus was different; he was nearing his heat. While NRC is an all boys school, it wasn't unheard of for Omega males to be accepted, he just wished that he was able to be anywhere but here. His one and only wish was to be anywhere but this school, with the number of Alphas at the school.

Ortho poked his head into the room for a moment, checking on the Omega. "Big brother? Is something wrong? Your levels are elevated and it seems like your scent is releasing more pheromones than usual."

Idia let out an "eek" when his brother spoke up, fiddling with the strings on his hoodie as he looked over. "A-ah, umm… y-yeah…" he slumped down against his bed and gulped. "M-my heat is, um. Almost h-here…"

Ortho entered and walked over to his brother, sitting next to him. "Big brother… You're worried about it, aren't you…"

Idia nodded, he knew that it was going to come around sooner or later, but he was so irregular that it was always a toss up when his heat would happen. The Omega pulled the strings of his hoodie, his hair sticking out of the small opening.

"I just want it to be over and done with…" he groaned out and flopped over.

The younger shroud brother hummed, thinking for a moment. "What about your mate? (MC)? The Alpha prefect from Ramshackle?"

It didn't take much to realize how flustered Idia was, the ends of his hair flaring up a bright pink, even through the hoodie. The Omega let out a small whine, was he even ready to ask the Alpha to be fully mated? What if they said no? What if they broke up with him because of the question?

Or wait…

What if they said yes? What if they were officially fully mated?! He knew that there would be a mating mark, would it hurt? What if he got pregnant from this!? He couldn't have a baby while in school! Great Seven forbid if STIX found out!

All of these thoughts rushed through the poor Omega's head as he tried to calm himself, Ortho shaking his brother and calling out to him.

"Brother? Big brother! Idia-San!" The younger Shroud called out, shaking his shoulder.

"Ah!" Idia screamed out and shot up. "I-I don't think I can ask (MC)! Th-they may not be ready o-or even reject the idea!"

Ortho could sense his brother wasn't going to outright ask (MC) to help, but he needed someone there to assist in his heat still. It looked like he would need to take matters into his own hands, of course with some careful planning involved, he didn’t want to spook his brother too much.

-------------

Two days passed, Idia was more agitated, couldn't get comfortable, even in his nest, and often found himself grinding against a pillow to try and get some form of relief. His heat was in full swing, and it didn't look like it was getting any better. Ortho messaged (MC) to come to the dorm, informing Idia before he did so. Of course the poor Omega was getting irritated, even the slightest scent of an Alpha nearly threw him over the edge as he stayed tucked away in his nest, he was practically a mess! He finally caved and let Ortho contact his mate, hoping they would just get here quickly.

The moment that Idia smelled the familiar Alpha's scent, he nearly tackled them to the ground, his hair flaring up bright pink, kissing their lips and whining out. (MC) was surprised by this, though would quickly become intoxicated with the Omega's heat, needing to snap back to reality before they went too far. They asked if this was what Idia wanted, just to be certain that they had consent. The Omega breathlessly nodded, desperate for the Alpha's help in any way, whimpering out and nearly grinding against their leg.

(MC) would take their time, trying to make Idia feel at ease with things, ensuring the Omega's comfort above all else. Idia would be more than grateful towards the Alpha, nuzzling against them, whining and purring out, shaking in every ounce of attention that he can get from this.

As (MC) and Idia finally take the first steps to intercourse, (MC) would take control, being gentle and slow to begin, slowly building up their speed and move a bit more rough. Idia would attempt to silence himself, though in the end it would be futile, he was a moaning and whining mess the whole time, his Alpha making him feel things he never thought he would experience. In the heat of things the Alpha would bite down on Idia's scent gland, leaving a mating mark on the Omega, Idia gasping out and going to (MC) as they did.

At the end when (MC) finally knotted Idia, they made sure to gently pepper him in kisses, rumbling deeply to try and relax him in any way that they can. Idia quietly thanked his mate, keeping his legs wrapped around them as he caught his breath once more, his mind still in a daze as he lay with them. It wouldn't take long for him to pass out with his Alpha close, purring softly in his sleep.

Of course the two would stay together so long as Idia was still in heat, the Alpha doing what they could to ensure the Omega's comfort… and it was a good thing Idia's room was fairly sound proof in case a situation like this arose…

[madbard]

Napstablook in the Chapter 3 Dark World

So, at the end of Deltarune Chapter 2, Toriel calls the police to report the strange person lurking outside her home, and they send over a police officer, right? And I love the idea that it’s going to be Undyne, that we’re going to have Undyne tagging along in the Chapter 3 dark world. But just picture this:

It’s Napstablook.

After a long day of work at a job that stresses them out, but that they can’t bring themselves to quit, Napstablook gets sent over to Toriel’s house. They are told that there’s this strange person outside, who has slashed Toriel’s tires, and is possibly still out there, waiting. They are told that Toriel is alone with two children and she is terrified for their safety and for her own. And Napstablook does not feel qualified in the slightest, but they go anyway, because it’s their job and because it’s the right thing to do, even if they spend the whole trip over freaking out and wanting nothing more than to go home, hang out with their cousins a bit, listen to music and go to sleep. And then they get there, and see the door ever so slightly ajar.

Anxiety rising, they hover there for what seems like forever, uncertain what to do, terrified for the people inside, certain that they won’t be able to help and hating themselves for their indecision the whole time. But then something clicks, and they go forward. This is their job after all. They have obligations. They couldn’t live with themselves if they didn’t at least try.

So Napstablook goes through the door… and plunges into a freaking DARK WORLD.

Suddenly, everything they ever knew is torn to shreds. Reality no longer holds steady - they find themselves in this strange, distorted half-realm populated by everyday objects granted sentience, filled with the echoes of abandoned hopes and dreams. Maybe they maintain their normal form, but then again maybe they open their eyes to the kind of body they used to fantasize about in secret, the body they could never have in the real world. And there is no turning back.

So now Napstablook, the guy who accidentally stumbled into a career as a police officer and couldn’t bring themselves to quit, exhausted from a long work day and from life in general, desperate to lie down and cry, to go home and sleep, finds themselves stranded in this dizzying, hallucinatory pocket dimension with a random school teacher and two young teens, none of whom they know that well. They get hit with a sudden onslaught of random encounters, odd beings that come out of nowhere, attacking for no reason before vanishing into the ether. Somehow they are now part of a quest, and if their group can’t defeat the most terrifying adversary this world has to offer, the entire universe will fall into darkness, and everyone they ever cared about will perish.

And maybe while they’re stumbling through this fever dream, they think of their cousins, the people they love most in this world, who despite the madness would probably kill for the chance to come here and exist as their true selves, even if only for a moment. Their cousins, who rely on them, who are probably just now starting to check the clock and wonder when they will get home.

But this is Napstablook’s adventure as well, and as they do what they can to return home, maybe they start to realize, on some level, that they are powerful too. Maybe in the face of annihilation, they resist, clinging to their duty, their identity. Maybe, in a stolen peaceful moment in the dark, they start to wonder what they really want. They start to imagine what they will do when they get home.

And then they wake up in the house, and they are a bit embarrassed to have fallen asleep on the job but no one else seems to mind. And as they go home, as they greet their cousins, maybe eat a late dinner and watch music videos together like they used to do as children, they find themselves turning over shards of a strange and haunting dream. Somehow, they feel different. Somehow - they feel new.

Or maybe they arrive five minutes after the dark fountain closes and get a few lines of dialogue, and that’s the last we see of them in Deltarune.

[magnetarbeam]

Recovering Herself (WIP 1)

[This fic, which I've decided Han and Leia are also going to be in, though they haven't actually appeared yet.]

”Jaina, as your commanding officer, I’m ordering you to take today off. No training, no strategizing, nothing. Report to me first thing in the morning. At that time, if you think you need another day off, I require you to tell me so. You’ll get it.”

With his characteristic military precision, Jag left. Zekk followed a moment later, his impressed surprise registering only distantly in Jaina’s perceptions.

A day off. The concept was almost an alien one to her. Thinking back, Jaina found herself astounded, barely able to believe that it hadn’t even been a year since the first of the atrocities committed by the creature Jacen had become. The series of events had so consumed her emotionally that it might as well have been a decade.

Her service in Starfighter Command after the Yuuzhan Vong War had given her periods of leave, naturally, but it had always felt like a waste. Fighting was all she had to give for the galaxy. It was almost all she was.

And now, for at least the next day, she couldn’t do anything involving it..

She had no idea what to do with this. But there were people who might.

Jaina turned and climbed the boarding ramp of the Falcon.

—

“You’re still working?”

Had Zekk spoken thirty seconds sooner, Jag’s jolt of surprise might very well have led to the new wiring from the blaster’s power pack connecting prematurely to the timer he hadn’t yet programmed, causing the entire device to blow up in his face. As he turned to face the tall Jedi, it occurred to Jag that Zekk had probably realized that.

“What?” Jag asked, a hint of bitter hostility creeping into his voice out of habit. Zekk scrutinized him in silence for a second, and Jag realized his tone. He was surprised to find he didn’t feel that resentment anymore. For months, Zekk had been an annoyance. They worked together well enough on a professional level, but they didn’t get along personally. Jag wasn’t too proud to admit to himself that part of it was the competition over Jaina, who had entertained romantic affections for both men at different times in her life, but he was too proud to admit it to anyone else.

Now, Jag wasn’t sure where he and Zekk stood.

“But after today,” the other man had said mere hours ago, “I’m exceedingly proud to have you as a comrade-in-arms.”

Zekk still didn’t particularly like him. That much was clear from the array of insults that had preceded the statement. But maybe…

“Come on,” Zekk told him, his tone suggesting that he was disappointed somehow. “You finally get through to her like that, and then you just hole up in your workshop?”

“I still have important work to do,” Jag reminded him matter-of-factly.

“So do I,” Zekk said. “So does Jaina. And you just gave us days off.

“Why don’t you deserve a break too?”

Jag silently struggled to find an answer to that. The Chiss, even as disciplined as they were, still understood the importance of mental health. An individual driven to their breaking point by stress and anxiety would not be able to perform their role. The CEDF had given its soldiers leave just as any effective fighting force had to. But Jag was no longer welcome in the Ascendancy or its military. He had devoted himself to hunting down and killing Alema Rar because it was all he had left. That was a fact he was absolutely not ready to admit.

“I’m the commanding officer,” he answered, trying to inject strength into the words, and to summon emotions that would read like he believed it.

Zekk instantly rolled his eyes, clearly seeing through the lie, but he thankfully chose not to call it out. Instead, he changed tactics.

“I’ve known Jaina longer than you have,” he reminded Jag. “I knew her before the Vong hit, back before she had any reason to think she was a weapon.

“She doesn’t need a commander right now. She needs a friend.”

[wrecking-man]

Komivergence Chapter 4 - Dark History Tour 2

Chapter Summary: Tadano’s Dark History continues.

Click here to read the full chapter on AO3:

Click here to see all of my works.

Tadano (C) pinched himself, because surely he must have been dreaming!

The dream of every chuunibyou!

[Validation]

...

Seeing his older self, he couldn’t help but feel a surge of hope and confidence welling up inside of him. His face was lit up like never before.

It filled him with determination.

Was he going to unlock supernatural abilities now?! Was he going to become an ally of justice?!

His head was soon swimming with so many possibilities that he had all but forgotten about his impending confession, which was meant to be the highlight of this day.

...

Oh, right! That...! But wait- As his thoughts gravitated back to what was supposed to be the matter at hand, a cold chill shot down his spine. This moment was the least opportune time for a hero’s origin story!

“Wait! We can’t be doing this right now!” he demanded. “Why are we doing this right now?!” he asked anxiously.

Couldn’t this wait?! He needed to confess! He hadn’t even finished preparing yet...!

Worse yet, he hadn’t even started!

He was inwardly begging the cosmos to have this happen at literally any other time instead.

No...

He suddenly felt sick to his stomach as the realization hit. Why else would he appear before me, right here and now?

He was trying his best to prevent a panic attack, but the level of stress and anxiety he was currently experiencing was a first for him. He gritted his teeth to brace himself—something that our protagonist was doing as well.

The atmosphere quickly grew tense as the two stared at each other in silence.

Tadano was uncertain whether his doppelganger could put the pieces together on his own, but his sudden changes in expression and body language easily gave him the answer.

Tadano (C) was no idiot... A bit naive, perhaps. But he was not stupid.

“...This is a mistake, isn’t it...?” he asked his future self.

Tadano remained silent.

‘A mistake.’

What an understatement that was.

His chest grew tight as he empathized with his younger self. He didn’t know how to break it to him. Kawai’s biting words still rang out to him clear as day. And besides... The answer was already painfully obvious enough without him saying anything, wasn’t it? Did he really have to say it?

Tadano (C) stared at the ground. That silence was all the confirmation he needed.

“...Can you tell me why?” he asked, though his words were barely audible. He was desperately holding back his tears. They both were, in fact. Neither of them wanted to appear ‘weak’ in front of the other.

Tadano knew exactly what his middle school counterpart was going through, but he didn’t want to repeat what Kawai had told him... That he was ‘lame’. That she wouldn’t date him in a million years...

Those harsh words may have put him on the path to who he was now, but it still stung like a knife to his heart. It had completely shattered his self-image for years. If nothing else, he wanted to spare him of that humiliation.

Tadano placed his hand on his counterpart’s shoulder. There was so much that he wanted to tell him. He wanted to assure him—promise him—that things would get better. That his high school life (at the very least) was going to be filled with so much warmth and happiness that he wouldn’t know what to do with it all... But he didn’t know how much time they had together like this. Even just thinking about it was a waste of valuable time for all he knew, but he couldn’t help but do so anyways.

Tadano shook his head. No, I really should tell him. But there’s something else I absolutely must tell him about first... He had already drastically altered the course of the future with his arrival, and their meeting. He could only assume as much. He had to mitigate any damage from that first before he could allow himself to worry about anything else.

“It’s not that I can’t tell you,” he said, “But there’s another, more important reason that I am here for.”

Of course. Tadano (C) nodded slowly. What he said made sense.

He was disappointed, but as much as he was hurting and wanted at least an explanation, he knew there had to be something else going on that actually warranted the use of time travel.

Maybe them meeting like this was all just a condition the scientists or whatever granted him in return for accepting the risks involved with traveling to the past... He had no idea what genre he was even in at this point.

Tadano inhaled deeply through his nose. He was about to drop another bomb on his younger self. It was a good thing—it was something that should make him happy—but it’s not like he could predict how the little guy would react to what he was about to say...

While it could be argued they were essentially the same person, the younger of the two was currently heartbroken after learning his crush didn’t like him—and it’s not like he had ever met Komi before, so when he hears he has a girlfriend in the future, that could only do so much to relieve the heartache he’s experiencing now...

But Tadano still had to try. For him, as well as for her... Especially for her. She must feel so alone right now.

The middle schooler couldn’t help but to brace himself for whatever he was about to be hit with next. All of his newfound confidence from before had quickly evaporated into nothingness after the last revelation, so needless to say he was quite pessimistic about this next one.

“The good news is...” Tadano emphasized, “We do have a girlfriend—Komi Shouko. She’s the reason I’m here. I want to take you to meet her right now... I’m going find her either way, but it’s extremely important to me that you come with me. Like ‘right now’ right now.”

He blurted it all out. If nothing else, that should have at least made things easier for him in high school... Right?

Oh, right. High school. “Oh, a-and before I forget. You’ll also need to attend Itan Private High School. That’s where she and I originally met. A-all of our friends too.”

Tadano’s face was burning up. He really didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of... himself... But he had to get all of that squared away—just in case he poofed midway, never to return.

Hearing all that, Tadano (C) realized something was wrong. He couldn’t pin it down, but it was fairly obvious by our protagonist’s sudden infodump. Why is he talking about high school all of a sudden? That’s more than a whole year from now... Does he not have much time? Was this even planned?

He wasn’t sure how to react. First of all, who was Komi Shouko? That was his main question. Given how urgent it seemed that he meet her now, he could only be... confused. And more to the point: curious.

After all, he didn’t like Kawai for just any reason. Sure, she was beautiful, kind, incredibly smart—you name it, she probably excelled at it to a frightening degree...

In other words, she was perfect...

But she always seemed to be pushing herself far too hard. It was as if she were desperately trying to reach some unattainable ideal... And it wasn't just that. Despite the people she was always surrounded by, she always seemed... alone. Isolated...

It brought out his protective instincts.

He wanted to help her in any way he could. In his conceit, he thought that in dating her he could somehow become her hero.

“...Please?” Tadano begged.

What little breath he was holding, Tadano (C) slowly let out through his nose. He could tell how much this meant to his older self, but... “I can’t just leave like this.”

He had already given up on the idea of ever dating Kawai... As much as it pained him, he realized he was probably aiming just a bit too high to begin with. She was far too amazing of a person for the likes of him. He should have known from the start that he couldn’t possibly be a match for her.

...But Operation L was already in motion. It could not be stopped. Nor could it be put on hold.

He didn’t want to waste Kawai’s time any more than he already had. What if she ended up waiting for hours here in case he showed up?

No. He couldn’t risk it. Even as low as the odds of that were.

“DOKYAAAAN!!” an all too familiar voice rang out.

The two boys collectively jumped out of their skin at the sudden interruption, and quickly turned to face the source of it. They had been so preoccupied with each other that it had never even occurred to them that someone else could show up.

“Two Tadano-kuns?!” Najimi declared in shock.

Back at the Komi household.

“Shouko? Is everything alright? I heard something fall,” Komi’s mother called out. She entered the room a matter of seconds later, without knocking.

In typical Shuuko fashion, she was wearing a comfortable t-shirt and jeans. Her hair was just the same as always, however—at least as far as Komi was aware. It was the exact same hairstyle as hers, except her mother’s hair stopped at the nape of her neck rather than continuing down her shoulders and back.

As one might expect, Shuuko was quite shocked to find not just one daughter waiting for her within her daughter’s room, but two.

She stared and processed the reality of this over the course of several seconds before finally letting out an overjoyed squeal. She was unclear on the specifics like why, or how this was even possible... but she suddenly had two daughters! How was that not cause for celebration?!

One rushed moment later, the two girls had been brought to their feet and ushered into the living room by their mother.

By this point, Shousuke had become painfully aware that ‘something’ was happening, but he stubbornly remained in his room for the duration.

...Just kidding.

His mother lovingly dragged him over to the living room as well so that he too could witness his sister (x2).

...

The two of them were trembling side by side on a couch.

From the moment he entered the room, the pair of Shoukos stared at him closely, intently following his movements with their gaze until he finally sat down in a chair some comfortable distance away. His hair was slightly longer than Komi remembered, but it was every bit the same tousled mess. And as usual, he was wearing a black t-shirt and pants.

“Now I just need to call your father,” Shuuko said with a satisfied smile. Surely this qualified as a family emergency.

“I’ll be back in a bit.”

With those parting words, she left the room—and took with her any chance of a conversation getting started.

...

Komi pulled out her notebook, and began writing notes.

Read the full chapter on AO3.

Read from chapter 1.

[edge-oftheworld]

Luke Hemmings Is a Fountain of Existentialism on His New Single — And He Doesn’t Want to Turn It Off 

In an exclusive interview, the 5 Seconds of Summer singer tells Rolling Stone about "Shakes," planning for the future, and exploring childlike wonder on his upcoming solo project Boy, out April 26

BY LARISHA PAUL

MARCH 6, 2024

IT’S NOT OFTEN that Luke Hemmingsfinds himself on his own. For the better part of the past 12 years, the 27-year-old singer and songwriter has shared the stage with his three bandmates in 5 Seconds of Summer. The Australian pop-rock band has built its career around being a relentless touring act, playing to thousands-deep audiences on nearly back-to-back runs in support of five studio albums. Four years ago, when that cycle was interrupted for the first time, Hemmings retreated into himself. 

His first solo album, When Facing the Things We Turn Away From (2021), was a meditation on a decade’s worth of experiences he didn’t have time to process as they were happening. That kind of self-interrogation would continue as he sought to understand himself more deeply on an individual level, and recently, he realized he felt inklings of isolation while deeply immersed in crowds. He felt it while glancing out of car windows in Los Angeles, his home away from his native Sydney; touring the world with 5SOS; and walking the streets of New York, where he wrote most of his second solo project, Boy, out April 26.

“It has this loneliness and this yearning to be home again, but in different ways,” Hemmings tells Rolling Stone over Zoom from L.A. “I’m surrounded by people all the time. I’m in hotels and planes and playing shows and all this stuff, which obviously has great parts in that. But for some reason, I’ve found it more difficult to be on tour recently, just mentally and within myself as a person.” During those stretches of time away from home, the singer found himself transfixed on watching his world change in real time. “People are having kids, people are getting married — or they’re not and they’re stressed about it,” Hemmings, who is married to songwriter Sierra Deaton, explains. “Life starts happening whether you’re checking in or not.” 

“Shakes,” the first single from Boy, sifts through this sense of wonder. Reuniting with producer Sammy Witte (Harry Styles, SZA, Halsey), Hemmings moves through a haze of perspectives marked by different distortions of his own voice. Even when he’s alternating between narrator and protagonist — like when his yearning for comfort is interrupted by the whispered realization “the city tends to move on all the same” — it’s all still him. “Whenever I try and write from other perspectives, I’ll get across some things and some details will come in,” he says. “But then eventually, particularly with the nature of this as a solo thing, it always ends up being autobiographical to some extent. If I try and run from that, it always seems to catch up to me.” 

Here, Hemmings tells Rolling Stone about exploring existential, childlike wonder on Boy, challenging the boundaries of his anxiety while becoming more confident outside of 5SOS, and what he’s most excited about exploring musically and visually as a solo artist.

“Shakes” essentially being a love song is such a contrast to When Facing the Things We Turn Away From, where you were mostly sitting with and interrogating these dark and complicated feelings. What made you want to lead with it? It initially started in New York as one of the earliest songs that was written for this. I was experimenting with writing from other people’s perspectives and observing. Almost in a Lost in Translation way, where you’re observing the world and real life seems a bit intense. That’s where the chorus came from. The chorus was written a year and a half ago, and then some of the verses were written two months ago. The story sort of changes, and it becomes this mix of different feelings because over those nine months since you wrote the first part, you’ve obviously lived even more. Songs take on new meanings even as you’re writing them, which was really cool to experience. It still has the feeling of the first album, but it is different and I wanted to lead with that, which I think is really a bit braver.

How did that inform your creative direction? Because it’s a short album, or a long EP — whatever way you look at it — I really wanted to make it [cohesive]. We went down to Bogota in Colombia and worked with a director there. There’s going to be a “Shakes” video, but there’s going to be other videos along with it. It’s all tied in together. I tried to do that on the first album and we did a good job, but I think on this one it feels like you’re getting lost in it a bit. It feels like more of an all-encompassing world, and I really was striving for that. Even before the songs were fully finished, we had a good idea of what they felt like and I made a big deck of my references, which pulled from all different places. It was a lot of Lost in Translation and Paris, Texas — things where, obviously, I’m the protagonist, but the background is also a star in it. The landscape is very much a part of it.

Your first album emerged almost subconsciously from a time of stillness and reflection. What was it like exploring this new project more intentionally? I’ve been thinking about that a lot. When you write all these songs, you forget that you’ve got to relive it again and be like, “Why did I write these? What are they about? How did we get here?” And I think you’re right, that first album I didn’t really plan it to happen until it was like, “Oh, this is an album.” I really fell in love with having a different outlet, musically and emotionally. It was really fun this time to dive into the things that I loved about the first album and just expand on them. Even small moments like “A Beautiful Dream,” which was kind of an outlier on the first album.

With this new one, there’s an emotion I can tap into within myself to write songs for this project that I found really freeing, and I’ve understood way more about myself as a person from doing this. It has this loneliness and this yearning to be home again, but in different ways. I’m surrounded by people all the time. I’m in hotels and planes and playing shows and all this stuff, which obviously has great parts in that. But for some reason, I’ve found it more difficult to be on tour recently, just mentally and within myself as a person. I can still tap into that same emotion from the first album, but it seems more refined in a different way because it’s that same feeling, but in a new environment.

Was that a linear process for you, having to get something out on that first album in order to settle into the mindset of this one? Yeah, 100 percent. I think the first time, I needed to do that in general in my life — whether it was putting it out, or just making it. It just needed to happen because whatever was going on with me needed to be put into song form. It’s how I deal with things. I wouldn’t have put out this next batch of songs as a first album. I needed to ease into it. The first time was like: It needs to sound exactly like this, and it’s exactly these stories. This second batch of songs, “Shakes” included, is a bit more up for interpretation, which I really like because I’ve been leaning more towards artists that have songs and lyrics you can make your own story to. Obviously there’s moments that are very personal to me, and there’s stories that are mine, but I write them over different periods of time.

You’ve always seemed to be deeply protective of your relationship, keeping those really meaningful moments as insular as possible. What has your experience been navigating that public and private life balance? Me and Sierra are very, very private. Songs and the music I make are windows into moments in my life. If you’re looking to understand more of me, that’s definitely the way to do it. Because the band started so young and it was all very public, naturally now I’m such a homebody and such an introvert. Getting older, I understand more about myself and what makes me happy. I love the fact that the band and myself can put out music and people will listen to it. That’s such a blessing and a gift — playing big shows, and we can talk to you at Rolling Stone. I’m so thankful for that.

But I think I’ve just gotten better at setting boundaries for myself. I’m such an emotional person that anything anyone says, I really take to heart. So separating myself from that a little bit is super important. And Sierra is the same; it’s a big influence from her. We have our own little world. There’s moments where you let people learn, but we just protect some of it and keep some of it for ourselves. Some of my favorite artists are like that. It makes me a bit anxious to be sharing everything.

The first proper album you ever made,5 Seconds of Summer, came out almost 10 years ago. What do you remember about experiencing that process for the first time? When I think back to it now, it was like there was no overthinking at all. There was a buzz around the band, but we hadn’t put out an album yet. I didn’t really know what that meant, exactly — putting out an album and then going on tour. All these things were very new. It’s crazy that it’s been that long, but it feels — I mean, it feels like 10 years ago. It feels honestly like 20 years ago. I still come back to some of those songs now. We play them live and people are transported to another time. I remember it being so much fun. It’s fun now, but when you’re doing something for the first time, you’re sort of like, “I don’t know what’s going on right now.” It’s a really exciting time. I just remember being really naive and having lots of fun. As lame as that sounds, it was so childlike. There’s no jadedness yet or anything like that.

It’s jarring how fast that jaded feeling comes on and replaces that carefree feeling, especially being in your twenties now. I started writing this when I was just turning 27. And when you look around, you look at your friends and you’re looking at family or people around you and you’re like, “OK, shit’s getting real now.” People are having kids, people are getting married — or they’re not and they’re stressed about it. Life starts happening whether you’re checking in or not. It’s funny you bring that up because that’s such a big theme across the whole album.

Why was Boy the most succinct title to capture this particular record? It comes up a few times on a couple of songs. It’s existential, childlike wonder. It has that feeling to it of trying to understand the world around you and why I am the way I am. A lot of it is questioning, why do I feel like this? Why do I interact with the world like this and see it this way? I think there’s a certain point where you have to decide whether you’re going to face life or just stay in the place you are. Boy is a really lovely way to simplify that.

Is this self-interrogation providing you with comprehensive answers, or are you coming out on the other side with even more questions? I’m always gonna have questions about it. I don’t know if there will ever be an end to it, but it’s certainly getting a bit closer every day, every time I write about it, or as the years go on. The things that I was emotionally chasing after on the first album, I’ve held onto those. And then you have a couple of years of wisdom under your belt to look back and be like, OK, I’ve done this. I’ve emotionally worked through these things. You’re always self-analyzing your life and as a songwriter, unfortunately, that’s just the way my brain works.

You’ve been on two tours with 5SOS in the past two years, but you also played two solo headlining shows in 2023. How did those songs change for you once you were able to play them to an audience for the first time? Going into making new songs, I think it was really important to play the first album live to see: Do I like this? Can I do this on my own? So much of my … self-worth is a bit harsh, but so much of my character is attached to being in a band for so long. But I think inherently when you do something on your own, even if you’re still in the band, it still is like, “Can I do this?” So it’s just a hurdle to get over mentally.

It was so cool to see people singing the words back. In Covid, I wasn’t going out and doing things, so I was thinking, “Did people even like this?” Having that when you’re playing shows, it felt good. It made me more confident in making more music. I was like, there’s a space for this — for me to make more tunes in this project and expand on it. It made me more excited to see how far it could go in its own little world and its own little bubble of melancholy.

What do you remember thinking right before you walked out? I was very nervous. It’s so funny because I’ve played with the band so many shows, hundreds of shows. And it gets to a point, especially when you’re on a 100-date tour, where as soon as you get past the first couple shows, you’re not really nervous anymore. It’s still fun, but you’re not anxious or apprehensive or on your toes. You just are doing it. You’re onstage playing it. I’ve been trying to get better at this — because I’m such an inherently anxious person — doing things that are outside of my comfort zone. So that was a big hurdle to be like, “I’m really, really anxious for this, but I know after I do it, I’m gonna be so glad I did that.” As soon as a few songs went by I was like, OK, this is cool.

Instead of existing in silos, it feels more like you’re creating a universe where your own music and some of the sounds and content of the band’s music are in conversation with one another. Yeah, definitely. We’ve been a band for 12 years, which is so crazy. I was 15 when we started; now I’m 27. I know solo projects can be scary for fans of bands, but for me it’s the way that the band can live on forever. In my eyes, that’s the way I see it. And I encourage everyone else in the band to follow whatever they want to do — if they’re having time off, having a kid, mowing their lawn. Whatever makes you happy. I’m just always writing songs, and at this point in time, I feel like I have so much to express and so much to say. I just feel so lucky to be able to put these songs together and have people want to hear them.

[kingproteus]

What’s PMDD then?

Informational post by a post-hysto trans guy :) (btw terfs fuck off and burn in hell)

For me, PMDD was a circular pattern of my mood randomly going to shit, and pulling my life in after it. I’d then, for reasons unclear to me pre-diagnosis, have a few days (normally three or four) where I felt really good. I hadn’t noticed this circle followed my cycle for most of my early to late teens, because why would it? I’d never been told about PMDD, and all the uterus-havers in my family had the same issues I did.

I went through doctors, was cleared for bpd, borderline, asd, adhd, ibs, high blood pressure, and finally was settled into the “depression” and “anxiety without social anxiety” camps. Yay.

Of course, when I put the pieces together at 16 or so, it became clear to me that PMDD was the reason for this. The monthly times at which my life got shittier and shittier were placed before my period started, and evened out when I got my period, and went away a few days before my period ended. Then I had a few days of feeling good, a few days of feeling just okay, and then it was back to hell.

The first doctor I went to about my PMDD diagnosis immediately diagnosed me. She said it was obvious I had it. It was crazy, I had expected a fight over it.

This, of course, made getting on antidepressants a stupid hard task. I’d go on something and think it was working, but jokes on me that was just my PMDD letting up. Or I’d switch meds in a panic only to realize my extreme depression was my PMDD fucking me over.

In the end, I just got a laparoscopic hysterectomy with ovarian removal. I’m about two weeks post-op now, and I feel better than normal. I’m back to jogging and doing all my normal stuff. 10/10 surgery.

So… why the fuck does PMDD do this?

I’m obviously not an expert, just a sufferer, but the basic reason is my body freaks out when my hormones fluctuate. My body couldn’t figure out that my sex organs were doing a natural cyclical job, one they did every month. So my body went on high alert. People can have a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. Extreme depression, difficulty concentrating and remembering stuff, anxiety, insane back pain, some people even have worse vision.

When I got on T at 15, my symptoms were lessened by 50%. It HALVED my symptoms. It was a godsend. Seriously, I can’t stress what a good decision it was for me.

As it’s only been a few weeks for me, I can’t speak to how hysterectomy has effected me. I’ll definitely write some follow up posts about it all once I’ve gathered my thoughts.

The reason I post all this is because I’ve spent my whole fucking life, well, since I was 9 and got my first period, feeling like the only fucking trans guy with PMDD in the whole world. This shit was confusing, all the experts didn’t know what to do with me and my T levels, and I wasn’t welcome or comfortable in any PMDD-specific space.

It felt like shit, and I was lonely, and I literally only realized I had it 3 years ago.

Being a trans guy can already be an insanely lonely experience, but being a trans guy with a VERY uterus-specific problem even more so. But I’m done being embarrassed about it, or assuming people will use it to discredit my identity.

I’m just posting this because I want my account of it SOMEWHERE. Just to say that being a trans dude with PMDD is survivable, and normal, and fine. I’ve a good life and a great boyfriend and a kickass family. If my nine year old self could see me now he’d be amazed.

But yeah, shit gets better and PMDD can go fuck itself right beside my ovaries in the medical waste dumpster at the hospital.