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dirtyoatmeall · 4 years

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Mad Dogs (Kyotani x Reader)

A/N: soft kyotani is on my mind, luv that angry boy. anywayz I'm working on a long Osamu fic to satiate my burning desire for the onigiri man, it'll be out eventually so enjoy this for now :)

Pairing: Kyotani Kentaro x gn!reader

Word Count: ~1.6k

Warnings: None ! My run on sentences

Kyotani could count the times he was genuinely confused on one hand. The time he asked his sister if she was being such a bitch because she was on her period and she responded by threatening to push him down the stairs, the time in first-year when the teacher introduced moles during chemistry, and now, you.

Ever since the beginning of second-year, your actions have never failed to leave the spiker in a state of confusion. One day you sat next to him at lunch, smiling kindly before opening your bento, talking about your day while occasionally asking questions. He never answered them, and you just shrugged and continued on.

He didn’t speak to you for the first week, and when he did, he snapped at you, telling you to leave him alone. You just rolled your eyes and told him “Eat your lunch Kyotani-san, you’ll be less cranky afterwards.” (he did feel better, not that he’d ever tell you.) You’d even bring him food every once in a while, usually when he had a game (not that he ever played). Even when he told you that, you’d just shrug and smile softly, “You never know, so you better eat up, just in case.”

He even thought that Yahaba had possibly put you up to it, in some weird attempt to get him to be a better teammate, but when he brought it up to the setter he just looked at Kyotani oddly and asked, “(Y/N)? Is that the person with the earrings? I’ve never talked to them.” So you just apparently just decided one day to befriend him. (Wait, befriend? You’re not actually friends… are you?)

Another odd thing about you, your accessories. While Aoba Johsai is a private school, it is rather lax on its uniform policy. As long as you had some semblance of the uniform on, you were golden. It gave Kyotani the freedom to cut and dye his hair and wear eyeliner, and it gave you the freedom to wear your… earrings? He asked you about them one day, what they were.

You looked at him bemusedly, “Um, they’re earrings Kyo-san.” When he continued to look at you deadpan, you playfully rolled your eyes, “I was joking! I make them myself, see? Today I’m wearing my beetle ones, and I wore my frog ones yesterday! I just get plastic figures and…” He half-listened while you explained your process, but he found himself focusing on you and not your words. He took in the dopey smile on your face, the way your eyes brightened, and how your hands were more animated while talking about your interests. It was… cute. (Wait, cute? When did he think you were cute?) If you saw the slight blush on his face, you didn’t say anything, which he was thankful for.

After months of eating lunch together, and occasionally accompanying you to the train station, Kyotani found himself coming to the confounding conclusion, he liked you. And not in the ‘I tolerate you’ way. He liked you in the ‘almost got in a fight when someone made fun of your hobby’ way or the ‘I get this weird feeling in my chest when I’m not with you, but when I’m with you I get a weird feeling in my stomach’ way. He had no idea what to do, so he turned to one of the only other people he respected, putting his pride aside to ask for help.

“What did you just say?” His sister looked at him like he had just grown another head. He rolled his eyes, patience thinning. “I said, how do I ask someone out?” It took her a few moments to snap out of whatever daze she was in, a Grinch-like smile appearing (at least, that’s how It looked to him), and she leaned forward. “Aww, does Kenta have a crush? Why don’t you tell me about this mystery person and I’ll tell you the best way to ask ‘em out.” He grits his teeth as he begrudgingly obliged.

After a very painful conversation with his older sister that ended with a “Get them something they like, but not something obvious, something that would show you’ve not only listened, but retained what you know about them.” Kyotani grumbled at the memory, he can’t believe he had to go through all that just to be told something he already knows. He shook his head and got back to the task at hand. He looked at the shelf in front of him, pursing his lips as he contemplated on which one to buy. He thought back to what you’ve worn in the past and decided on one, grabbing two packs and going to the checkout.

It took him three days to do it. The first day he forgot them at home, the second day you had a club meeting, and yesterday he just couldn’t do it. He got in his own head and chickened out. But not today. Today as soon as you sat down next to him in the courtyard, in the shade of one of the many trees on campus, Kyotani thrust the packs toward you, refusing to make eye contact as his cheeks dusted pink. You eyed him warily, but took them nonetheless. When you opened them, you gasped softly.

“Kyo! You got these for me?” You took his silence for an answer and he was glad he glanced at your face at that moment. You had the dopiest smile on your face, eyes big and bright, filled with an emotion he knew all too well. His cheeks darkened and he moved his gaze to your earrings, giraffes. You clutched the packs of plastic figurines to your chest before placing them in your bag. He took the moment to take a deep breath, finally able to think with your eyes off of him. He nodded determinedly to himself and when you turned back around you were surprised to find him closer, gaze unwavering.

“(Y/N).” You raised an eyebrow, “That’s me.” He took another deep breath. (Why was this so hard?) “I like you.” Your cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink, to match his own, and your smile this time was softer, yet held more emotion behind it. You stared at him for a moment, and he tried, and failed, to not freak out. (Why weren’t you responding? Oh god did he make a mistake? He was going to kill his sister, why did he think she would have good advice she never dates any-) His spiralling thoughts were cut off by the feeling of soft lips on his cheek. It only lasted a moment, the spot you kissed burning as his gaze snapped to yours, finding your face much, much closer than before, noses almost touching.

You whispered his name, breath fanning across his face as he tried to keep his gaze level with yours, to not look at your lips. Though when your eyes flickered to his own his only thought was, fuck it. And so he closed the very short distance between you two, cupping your cheek gently as he kissed you. Your hand circled his wrist lightly as you reciprocated, tilting your head slightly, deepening the kiss. Your lips moved against each other a little messily at first, but quickly finding the right rhythm. You gripped his wrist a little tighter, moving to scoot closer, wanting to eliminate any and all space between you two when-

“MAD DOG-CHAN IS THAT YOU? OH MY GOD ARE YOU KISSING SOMEONE” You broke apart with a gasp, turning toward the noise to see four figures about fifteen feet away, when your eyes focused you could see they were the third-years from the volleyball team, Oikawa standing with his hands on his hips, wide grin ever-present. Kyotani growled, eyes focused on the third-years. You squeezed his wrist, turning your face to kiss his palm. He looked at you and you smiled. You took his hand from your face and intertwined it with your own before turning to the ones responsible for the interruption. You waved with a big smile and the third-years laughed and waved back before continuing on towards the school. You turned back to Kyotani, kissing him lightly again before pulling away, a playful smirk on your face. “Mad Dog-chan?” He groaned, hand not intertwined coming up to cover his face as you laughed.

BONUS---

Practice was just ending when you walked into the gym, having just finished your own club activities. You waved in greeting as you passed other players, wrapping your arms around your boyfriend as you pecked his lips, pulling away slightly with a smile. His arms wrapped around you as he pulled you closer, smiling softly. You pulled away fully after a few moments, allowing him to pack his bag. Oikawa came over while he was changing shoes, throwing an arm over your shoulder casually. “Ah (Y/N)-chan! I see you finally turned in your manager application! Don’t worry, it was mostly for formalities, not just anyone can calm down Mad Dog-chan like you- wait, what are those!” He gripped your shoulders as he manoeuvred you in front of him, looking intently just below your ear, you smiled mischievously. “Do you like them? I was inspired by your nickname for Kenta!” You cupped your earring gently as you showed Oikawa (and the other third-years who wandered over to see what earrings you had in today). They laughed as they took them in, dangling from your ears was a pair of blonde colored dogs, each with exaggerated eyebrows pulled down into a ‘v’ shape crudely drawn on, making the dogs look comically angry. “They’re mad dogs!”

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cruelfeline · 4 years

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In light of all that we’ve learned with this most wonderful final season, some people have asked me to reassess Hordak’s backstory monologue. To see how Hordak’s narrative fits with what we now know about his home. To try to discern exactly what its discrepancies are, and why.

I’m going to do that! But before I do, I would remind everyone: this is a little difficult to fully untangle because, given that Hordak is not a main character and thus does not have the focus that we’d like, we really don’t know a whole lot about the Horde in terms of function, social roles, and general history. So this is going to be very much limited by what I can glean from exactly what the show gives us.

That said, it’ll hopefully still be interesting. So!

During season three, after recovering from his syncopal episode, Hordak describes to Entrapta what he is, what he was, and how he came to be on Etheria. He describes himself as a defective clone who, once upon a time, was the top general in the galactic Horde. When his defect became too much of a burden, he was apparently demoted, sent to the front lines to fight until death, and arrived on Etheria by way of unexplained portal.

This is what Hordak tells us, and, as far as we know, he’s not lying. Hordak, as portrayed in the show, is a very honest person, both in his own actions and in the actions he expects of others. He greatly dislikes deception and does not appear skillfully capable of it himself (save for that one time). Knowing this, we generally have to assume that, in his own mind, what Hordak is saying is true.

So. What gives, right?

After all, once we see the galactic Horde in action, we learn that it is a played-straight, honest-to-the-gods cult. There’s nothing distinctly military about it. It’s not a bigger, grander version of Hordak’s Etherian Horde.

It is a cult with a god-brother-creator at the helm, commanding countless identical acolytes who live their lives in slavish devotion to their master. There do not appear to be any ranks. We hear nothing about any generals, let alone a “top general.” There doesn’t even appear to be a need for anything like that, because Prime doesn’t seem to really delegate to his brothers in a way that singles them out or relies on real autonomy from them.

He can, after all, read their minds at will and slip into their bodies whenever he fancies. If he needs to make a decision about a battle on a planet at the other edge of the galaxy, he can just take over a body on that planet and make said decision himself. Or, at the very least, enter the relevant clone’s mind and influence the decision as needed. He doesn’t need, and certainly doesn’t appear to tolerate, clones taking their own initiative.

So, again: what gives? What does Hordak mean by “top general”? Why does he think he has this elevated role when we can see that Prime considers all of his clones the equivalent of faceless bodies to be used a he likes?

Well, while we will likely never know the full truth, given the lack of Horde background detail, we can safely assume some things from what canon shows us.

Namely that, while all clones appear indistinguishable and do not seem to have named rank, there are definitely clone positions that work more closely with Prime than others. His attendants are one example. Those who are in his throne room feeding him information while he is working are another. (Hordak actually appears to be one of these, at least while Prime is trying to hack the Heart of Etheria, when Entrapta is captured.) And then, of course, there are the chosen vessels that will one day house Prime’s consciousness.

All of these positions can likely be occupied by any clone, with bodies switched out as needed (likely what happened when Hordak got sick). I doubt that individual clones have any sort of real rank. Prime knows this. Hordak and his brothers, I suspect, may not fully understand it.

Rather, I would not be surprised if Hordak, deceived and indoctrinated into believing things about himself and about Prime that are not true, misinterprets the nature of his purpose and the truth of his relationship with his Brother. He believes that, fulfilling whatever role he was fulfilling for Prime, he was a general, an individual of note, an individual that Prime specially valued. Perhaps he fulfilled the role long enough that, in all but name, it became “his.” Perhaps he even fulfilled it well enough that Prime praised him frequently, cementing this unfortunate delusion. Perhaps Prime gave him legitimate favor - a false thing, of course; simply a controlling tool, but Hordak did not realize that.

Without canon confirmation, we can really only speculate, but these ideas seem reasonable.

Details aside, the point of the matter is that Hordak sees himself as “top general” because he sadly doesn’t understand that he is an interchangeable piece of a utilitarian machine. He truly thinks that he has this coveted position, that he is particularly useful, special, of great value. It’s a tragic misunderstanding that simply fuels his misguided devotion to Prime and prevents him from seeking freedom when he is given the opportunity.

It’s something, I think, that people in very controlling religious organizations often end up thinking: that they are especially valued, worthy in some way that others are not. It’s part of how the organization controls them.

By the by, there is also the theory that Hordak has suffered memory erasure before and is thus doubly confused, filling in blanks with fantasy, but given that we have no direct evidence of that, I’m not really going to go into it; it’s a popular bit of speculation, though.

Now, however, let us examine a different aspect of this. Labels aside, delusions aside, we are left with another conundrum: however Hordak interprets his position, it is very clear to us that said position does not actually offer the power or respect that a legitimate high military rank would offer. It does not appear to provide Hordak with any special treatment.

Once upon a time, back when we first learned of Hordak’s backstory, it was somewhat assumed that the position would do something like this. Numerous fans speculated about how it might be a position that gave a clone dominion over others, or over their own personal ships or planets; some fans suggested that it might give a clone the right to a name. Now, of course, we know that none of these speculations are true: all of Prime’s clones are essentially interchangeable; all are part of a hive mind that eliminates the need for certain clones directing others; no clone is allowed a name, no matter what their current job might be.

So. What, exactly, is Hordak practically gaining here? Despite this position appearing to hold zero effective esteem, despite it necessitating Hordak giving up his self and his autonomy, it is abundantly clear that he desperately wants it back. Why?

What about this position, whatever it may or may not be called, would provide Hordak with this sense of value, of specialness, of personal worth? After all, Hordak may be deluded, but he’s not stupid; even indoctrinated, he can tell that he doesn’t hold dominion over other clones, or have a right to his own name. He can tell that he doesn’t receive any functional privileges, that his own sense of value doesn’t translate into anything that you or I would think is “worth the price of admission,” so to speak.

In light of that incredibly steep price, what does this position offer, in a world where military rank appears irrelevant? What does it offer, in exchange for Hordak’s name and his bodily autonomy and his freedom? In short, what does it offer that makes Hordak think it worth sacrificing so much for?

Well.

It offers closeness to Prime, doesn’t it? It offers the chance to work near him, to bask in his presence, to be spoken to and looked upon and touched by him. It offers the chance to receive his praise, personally. It offers the chance to perhaps - hopefully, wishfully - receive his love.

Because that’s what Hordak really wants. Not dominion over others, or a fancy military title. He wants that emotional connection. He wants that approval and validation. He wants love. And for so much of the series, for so much of his life, he believes that love comes only from Prime. That working closely with him, being of use to him, will provide him with that sense of belonging and acceptance and affectionate care that he hungers for. That it will make him worthy and loved.

(There’s a line in the deleted Entrapdak scene, where Prime calls Hordak the “most unloved and unworthy” among his brothers that really cements the idea that worthiness is synonymous with love within the galactic Horde)

This is what marks the position as “special” in Hordak’s eyes: it is special because it stands the greatest chance of providing him with Prime’s love.

All of it is a lie, of course. Because Prime only “loves” his brothers as extensions of himself, and even then, only if they are physically useful to him. Once Hordak starts to lag behind due to his illness, he is quickly removed from Prime’s presence and sent to the front lines, destined to fight until defect or battle kills him. And yet it is a lie so powerful, and the clones’ need for Prime’s love so great, that he is able to use it to control them even when they are separated from him. To the point that a sickly clone trapped in a shadow dimension will forgo freedom in his desperate bid to feel wanted and treasured by his cruel god.

Eventually, thankfully, Hordak finds a true version of the connection he craves, someone who looks at him and acknowledges him, values him and loves him as he is, without him needing to prove himself useful. He finds Entrapta, and she provides that love that he sought from Prime.

This is why, even though Hordak actually ends up working in Prime’s throne room again, ends up close to him once more, he breaks free from control and kills his Brother. Throughout season five, Hordak remembers Entrapta. He remembers how she makes him feel. He remembers her love... and he realizes that it is not the same as Prime's. It is sincere. It is unconditional. It accepts him as his own flawed person, rather than the perfect drone Prime wants him to be. It is deeper and more true and more real than the hollow sham Prime offers.

And so Hordak rejects this once-coveted position, rejects Prime, and frees himself. He makes the choice between a false, controlling “love” and the real, heartfelt thing. He makes the choice, and he chooses Entrapta.

In the end, the greatest disconnect between what Hordak tells us in season three and what is true isn’t the word “general,” or even the cruel difference between how Prime views the clones, and how they view him. It is the impression of why Hordak wants such a position at all, of what it means to him. What initially comes off as a disgraced military man seeking to regain former glory is actually a lost, unloved soul desperately searching for the emotional connection he needs.

And, after many mistakes, after much hardship, he finally finds it.

#hordak #horde prime #entrapta #entrapdak #she ra

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writersrealmbts · 4 years

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Diamond Tears and Little Wings: Part 5

Description: You’re a fairy, taken in by BTS. You need lots of love and care, otherwise your light will fade and you turn to stone. Between the seven of them, you should never feel unloved. Right?

Warnings: N/A

Posted: 02/11/2021

Tags: bts x reader, ot7

Angst/Fluff/Angst: 3,846 words

A/N: Okay, I told you guys that I would be alternating between DTLW and Clearwater Springs, so here’s the proof. Anyway, two more parts after this!

Your fourth home in five years is what they told you this was. But you couldn’t remember any but this one.

So your heart was aching, and you always wanted to cry, but you never dared to do so. Something, someone’s, words, telling you that crying in front of strangers was dangerous kept echoing in your head. So you blinked away any tears that came, hugged your stuffed animal, and studied the area you would lived in.

It was a little cold, so you hugged your coat tighter to you. You’d been told by the other fairies that your coat was special, because it appeared to be designed exactly for your wings, which was rare. But none of them seemed to have any idea why you would have such a special coat, excepting the fact that maybe in the country you came from it was more normalized to have custom wing-slits.

It was completely normal to come away from a home with a stuffed animal, and clothing and jewelry that could shrink down. People liked dressing up fairies.

You played with your bracelet as you examined the cement floor, and the plain white walls, and the windows that weren’t quiet fully insulated but were full east and full west, respectively, and provided quite a bit of natural lighting. You had your own bathroom and kitchen area, and the laundry room was in the basement. The bed was a bit creaky, but the mattress seemed decent. You had a cute lamp on the side table, and they had a few books for you on a bookshelf that had the bottom shelf broken beside the side table.

There was shoebox bedroom on one of the shelves as well, very simple, with just a bed in it, but it was decorated carefully—though perhaps by their daughter. There was felt covering the floor and back wall, which would provide a little insulation for you. The outside was colored on, but you didn’t have a problem with that.

There was an old rug rolled off to one side that they said you could use, and a bar with some hangers already hanging on it and plastic drawers they said you could used for your clothing.

You looked at your suitcase, which was resting on the bed, then set your dog on top of it while you got the rug, unrolling it and placing it near your bed.

Your job there was to do their laundry and take care of the cat that their daughter wouldn’t let them get rid of, and to entertain their daughter now and then, and when you weren’t delivering the clean laundry or entertaining their daughter you were to stay in the basement bedroom. Simple enough.

The cat was a sweetheart and the laundry was quite simple with only three people to wash for. Laundry was tossed down the shoot daily and every Monday and Thursday you were to deliver their clean laundry before they awoke.

They weren’t cruel, or strict, just very structured and busy.

She was very kind and brought you groceries, even getting you exactly what you requested. You just had to leave a list with her laundry on Mondays, because Mondays were grocery days. She even spontaneously bought you a cake, and when you told her that the basement was a little cold for you, she found a nice heater for you that greatly improved things, and found some more blankets around the house for you. They were generally gone over the weekends, visiting a different set of grandparents each weekend, which left you and Cupcake, the cat, alone in the house to do as you pleased.

Those were the days you ventured down to the fairy market, which was a safe space for fairies and since you did get an allowance for doing the laundry, you could sometimes buy some special treats or things that you needed.

You weren’t a fan of the husband, which was fine, because he only seemed to come downstairs if he needed to check the water-heater (they were having issues with it and he was too stubborn to call whoever it was that professionally dealt with those things), or to ask you to do an emergency clean on a shirt or tie or slacks. It wasn’t that he was mean, or sleazy, or that he gave you bad vibes, he was just very grumpy and brisk. Cold.

And he hated the cat.

Plus you had the distinct feeling that if he found out about your diamond tears it would be a very bad thing. He was a greedy man, raising a greedy daughter.

But you had a CD player now, and you could find CD’s now and then at the fairy market, and the wife said you could use any CD’s you found in the basement.

Which was how you found your current favorite CD. You weren’t certain who the artists were because the disc hadn’t been in it’s proper case, but their songs were so nice. And you loved the one song.

So some days, when you had nothing to do but give the cat all the love it wanted, you just listened to that CD on repeat, singing words as though you’d known them before.

You did different crafts, and solved some of the abandoned puzzles from the storage room.

You improved your shoe-box, replacing the bed (it was a sponge, hard and weird to lay on) with a carefully arranged nest of fabrics and stuffing. Sometimes you stuck your stuffed dog into the shoebox and snuggled into that. The smells on it so familiar and foreign that it made you cry.

Which meant you had to find a place to hide your tears. Normally you just saved them and exchanged them at the fairy market—where the currency exchange fairy, Heidrun, just discretely nodded and added their value to your shopping card balance.

But one day she stopped you before you could leave, holding your hands. “You don’t look well, dear.”

“Fourth home,” You told her simply, shrugging. “It’s more of a job than a home. But I’m not…I’m not suffering. She always makes sure I have what I need and allows me a lot of freedom. I have the whole basement to myself, and I’m allowed in the side-yard at all times. She even encourages me to come here. And I have music to listen to. Actually, I found a CD I really like, but I don’t know what band they are because it doesn’t say on the disc.”

“Try Magnus, he knows everything going on in the music scene,” She told you, squeezing your hands. “And trying to hold onto whatever love you’ve got and are getting. It’s not healthy for our kind to go unloved.”

You nodded. “I’ll do that.”

Magnus did help you, granted, you had to sing a couple of the songs for him to find the right group, but once he did, he sent to you over to Frida with a request for BTS albums.

Frida nodded, pulling out several book-like things. “They’re super popular, but they’re also in a ton a magazines right now. They lost their fairy because of some scandal, and now they’re in a slump, but they’re also going on a world tour, so it can’t be that much of a slump. They’re actually coming to our stadium for a concert, which is cool. They’ve started putting up the posters already.”

You looked at the books, confused. “I thought you said they were albums?”

“They are. The CD’s are accompanied by a booklet of photos and the lyrics, photocards, and usually a poster.”

You blinked then picked up the biggest one, concerned and confused. “It’s…huge…and a box?”

She just snorted. “You want that one? It’s one of their more recent ones. Don’t have their newest yet, but I can see if I can get one for you.”

You nodded. “That’d be nice, but sure, I’ll…take this one for now.”

She nodded and swiped your card. “All yours, sweet-cheeks. Now, tell me how you get your hair that shiny.”

You grabbed your hair and shrugged. “I don’t know. I just wash it.”

“Not even fair,” She muttered, then turned to a new customer.

You went home after hitting a few more stalls, getting more craft things and some stuff for the kitty, hugging the album and wondering what awaited you inside.

Cupcake was waiting for you on your bed, sitting up and meowing loudly, stretching out a paw for you to take (which you did because why else teach him that trick) and then purring and arching into your hand.

“I know, I was gone for forever,” You scooped him up after successfully setting everything else down. “I bought some new music for us. You need a better name. A masculine name. You don’t respond to Cupcake anyway—not that I blame you. It’s a rather poor choice of a name for a cat, much less a tom.”

He just purred, climbing up onto your shoulders and riding there while you put away the few food items you had purchased and hopping onto the fridge while you started cooking your dinner.

You hummed as you tried to think of a different name for him, but after a moment you paused, wondering what song it was you were humming and why it was so familiar and yet so distant. So easy, but you couldn’t remember. You couldn’t remember the moment you stopped singing what the words were or how the song went, despite having reached the chorus. You could only remember the last words you sang.

You shook your head and went over, quickly opening the box to where the disc was in the album without seeing any sign of the pictures (Maybe a poster?) and then popping it into the player.

But it was worse than the first one, because you swore you knew each song. You had vague images in your head of people performing the songs. It hurt. It hurt to hear these songs because they were too familiar. Too familiar and yet so completely foreign that it was unfair.

The first one wasn’t too bad, but the second started really getting to you.

By the third song you were in tears.

By the chorus of the fourth song you were full-on sobbing on the bed.

The fifth song clashed so much with the sentiments of the previous two that it just broke you down further, and you had to turn it off before you started screaming at the empty space where the music should have come from.

You grabbed the photos from the album box after you had calmed down enough. Not bothering to try and remove the sticker, you slide the photos out and started flipping through the pages, horrified at the fact that they looked so achingly familiar and yet you had no idea who they were.

You tossed them back in the box and slammed it shut, eyes filled with tears.

But you must not have woken when someone came into the basement, because three days later the man was demanding to know where you got so many diamonds.

And fairies can’t lie.

Five days later you were staring out the window, a place you couldn’t go until you filled the box on your small counter space with diamonds. It wasn’t too large, but it was large enough that you were worried about whether you would ever fill it.

So you turned on the disc again, and cried. Cried until you were sick, and then collapsed into your bed. Exhaustedly petting the cat until you fell asleep, only to repeat it the next day. And the next.

When you finally filled it, you went straight to the market just to get some time away from the basement.

The shopkeepers from your regular stops came rushing up when they saw you, even Heidrun, all asking where you’d been and if you were okay and before you knew it you were sitting at one of the picnic tables with some soup and some tea and a bunch of worried fairies fussing over you.

Frida sat silently across from you, looking concerned but ultimately staring at the table.

Or so you thought, because she suddenly reached across the table and grabbed your bracelet. “Where did you get this?”

You blinked and tried to recoil, but couldn’t. “I don’t remember. I just figured it was from one of my previous homes.

Magnus frowned, looking at it. “It looks a lot like the one that…”

She nodded. “There’s something etched onto them. Fairy craftsmanship. Come over to my shop. Come on.”

You followed her, curious, and not wanting to let something you had a very strong attachment to out of your sight.

First she tried a jeweler’s eye loupe, then she wrinkled her nose and grabbed a flashlight, shining it through the gems and onto the table.

You stared down at it, confused.

“Something tells me your family didn’t give you up willingly,” Magnus said, voice a little tense.

Frida looked at you, as though she couldn’t believe it. “You’re the fairy that was taken away from BTS?”

You just looked back at her. “Um…is that what all of that means?”

“How did you like that album you bought?” She asked, eyes narrowed to slits.

You shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to think about how much you had used it to make yourself cry, because if you did then you knew she was right. And if she was right, then it would be even sadder.

“Weren’t the one that said that they couldn’t have been too sad about losing their fairy to be going on a world tour? Why would I want to be her?”

“No, they talked about it…it’s because they’re trying to find her. Find you. They didn’t say it explicitly because they could get in trouble for that, but they’ve hinted at it and there are tons of reports and pictures of them visiting every fairy sanctuary they could without compromising their performances. It just took a while for it to hit the news for us. Y/n, they’re looking for you. And if this is any proof, I think they love you and you need love. You look like a skeleton with skin.”

Heidrun gently pulled you into her arms. “What changed? You were doing alright and then you were gone and you come back looking like a ghost.”

“They found my tears,” You whispered.

She inhaled sharply, not quite a gasp, and held you tighter. “You can’t stay there.”

“I can’t leave there either. Where would I go? I would just get arrested and brought back to them.”

Frida folded her arms. “Leave it to me. You go back, lay low. Maybe try to appeal to the lady of the house. I’ll have you out of there as soon as I can. In the meantime….”

“I’ve still got a backlog of your diamonds, come get them just in case he asks again.” Your arm was gently pulled toward the currency exchange station.

You took the bag, and the treats most of them packed up for you. If the love of other fairies was enough to sustain you, you never would have been in this mess. But fairies, while kind and caring, didn’t have enough love for other fairies to keep them alive, especially once exposed to the love of a family. Fairies were good, and kind, and helpful, but also emotionally unstable which made it hard to focus enough love into one another without a consistent source of outside love.

It was a miracle your species had survived as long as it had.

Cupcake greeted you, meowing pathetically and hopping into your arms.

You sat down on your bed with him. “Let’s think of a new name for you.”

Eventually you settled on Keyowo, which was close to his current name but meant friend and was just…it was better.

You then set to deep cleaning over the next week, shrinking your things and tucking them into your suitcase to keep them out of sight.

On Tuesday he beat you to tears because you weren’t producing tears fast enough.

The album caught your eye again on the next Friday.

You picked up, tracing the seven on the cover, and then opening it. You pulled out the poster and unfolded it.

They were in white, with feathers floating down and a hole in the floor. They all looked so good.

You touched the one on the far left, wearing the sweater. Slightly cat-like facial features. You felt like you knew what his hands looked like, even though you couldn’t see much of them in the picture. Slightly calloused, bony, but gentle and careful. Caring for everyone.

“Yoongi,” You whispered, choking up. Tearing up.

Your fingers traced over each of them, names a whisper in your mind. A whisper that turned into shouts, memories flooding your mind of each and every one of them. Your mind screaming for them because your throat was too tight to even whisper.

They were your boys.

They had to let you go.

You weren’t supposed to remember them.

They weren’t supposed to try and find you.

The next day you shoved everything into your bag, tucked the cat into your coat, left a note for the missus and headed straight back to the fairy market.

Frida looked surprised when she saw you. “Whoa, what happened? Is this the kitty your were telling me about?”

“They’re gone for the weekend, that means even if I stay nearby they’ll think I’ve had two days to run out on them. I need you to help me get me back to my family.” You teared up. “I need to find them.”

Frida nodded, glancing around and closing her shop. “Come on. You can stay with me.”

Frida’s family consisted of a pair of siblings.

The sister, Alena, was a fairy rights activist in her spare time, which is why Frida had so much freedom, and a huge music fan. She had a whole wall of CD’s and albums and posters. Stacks of magazines featuring musicians.

The brother, Agnar, was quiet, “just an accountant”, and very kind. And very affectionate toward Frida.

Frida was equally affectionate toward him, bringing a fake gag from Alena.

They helped you find an outfit that hid your fairy-ness, and he got you tickets to the concert, all of you hoping that it would get you close enough for them to see you and recognize that you were there. Also, it would help you health-wise to see them in person and the rush from the concert would be overwhelming, but also might revitalize you.

Then Alena forced you to sit in the bathroom with her while she applied a cloth to your face with epsom salts to try and reduce the bruising and swelling on your face. She told you about the fairy abuse responders, and how she would call them in the morning and tell them about your family.

Agnar totally stole your cat.

Frida let you sleep in her fairy-home (because it definitely wasn’t a dollhouse and it was awesome, of course).

Four days later, you were at the concert venue with Alena, taking a seat and soaking in the atmosphere. People were talking all around and some people were chanting the boys’ names. Another group was starting to sing the songs.

You listened nervously, wondering whether it was true or not that they were looking for you. What if they were just making a fuss to get back at the company a bit? What if the media was making things up? It wouldn’t be the first time a story was fabricated for magazines.

Then the concert started and you and Alena were cheering for your boys, but you wondered why you ever thought they’d be able to see you in this mess.

It wasn’t until the second half of the concert that you had hope.

The boys were in more casual outfits, having more fun.

And they were all wearing the jewelry that Namjoon had made from your diamonds.

Jimin was the one who saw you first, though he looked right over you and then seemed to try and pinpoint you again, but was unable to in the crowd. He stood there with a smile plastered on his face, acting as though he was studying each Army’s face when you knew he was searching for you.

So you stood still in the writhing mass that of the crowd, and studied him.

He had lost weight, and if it hadn’t been for the makeup, you bet he’d look fairly wrung-out.

All of them looked like they’d been sick enough to lose weight.

Taehyung came over and practically dragged him away (making it look playful).

But Jimin said something to Jin and Jungkook.

Jungkook was over there as casually as he could, totally looking at the camera and doing ‘fanservice’. But he obviously didn’t spot you.

Jin didn’t either.

But Yoongi did during the very last song and he stopped, staring, then he was crouched, hand over his mouth, just staring in your direction.

You waved, wondering if he actually was staring at you.

He smiled, but it also looked like he wanted to cry. He waved as well, then cautiously moved off, still keeping an eye on you.

You bit your lip, smiling.

Alena squealed and grabbed onto you, and the two of you did your best to fit in with the rest of the crowd.

Both of you lingered as long as you could afterward, her extremely hyped from the whole concert and talking a mile a minute, while you were feeling…exhausted? All of the emotions around you and finally seeing your boys again….

But you had no idea how you were going to get to them, or how they were going to get to you.

Until you saw Sejin, scanning the crowd.

The likelihood of him being on the side of the boys was pretty good.

You tugged on Alena’s arm, pulling her to a stop.

Sejin locked onto you and started moving, coming your way, waiting until the straggling fans that had been around you were gone before telling security to let you through.

You dipped your head to the security guards, then bowed slightly to Sejin. “Hello.”

Sejin smiled. “Hello, y/n.”

You bit your lip. “I remembered.”

He nodded. “I figured. We all figured. They’re waiting. They’re all waiting.”

You were practically vibrating.

“Come on, let’s get you back to them. Your friend can come but she needs to wait in the hallway for…security purposes.”

You nodded and relayed the information to Alena, then both of you were following back to the waiting room.

Sejin stopped by the waiting room. “Go on in.”

You nodded, putting your hand on the doorknob and then turning it and going in.

–

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Masterlist - ot7 Masterpost

Tagging: @alex–awesome–22, @bryvada, @missmoxxiesworld @subzerobts @forvever-ddaeng @vividwoosan @mischiefmakerliesmith5 @beach-bitch-bitch-beach @minmeowmeowcuddles @kpopfictrash @castlewolfsbane @scatkpoptrash @knjhe @i-dont-even-know-fck @soulphoenix1618 @kerikaaria @sea-nevermind-enthusiast @reinaxans

If you would like to be tagged: DTLW Taglist (please make sure you can be tagged, I’m no longer hunting people down)

#fairy au #bts fic #bts ot7 #bts ot7 x reader #ot7 #ot7 x reader #fairy!reader #namjoon #jin #seokjin #yoongi #suga #hoseok #jhope #jimin #taehyung #v #jungkook

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bestworstcase · 4 years

Text

i’ve been thinking about this post from a couple days ago and how i shared my four questions of character development but didn’t actually give an example of what my answers look like and it’s bugging me a bit because it occurs to me that it’s kinda just. lobbing a tool out there without documentation on how to use it properly rip

so uh. further details with examples ft. the bitter snow cast.

#1: what are they looking for?

all characters have an UNFULFILLED DESIRE that motivates them to action. the more central to the story the character is, the harder this must be to attain, as a general rule. this is, ideally, NOT an exterior goal. instead, it is the intrinsic wellspring from which the character’s goals and aspirations emerge.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: it’s complicated. she is a character defined more by what she lacks than what she wants, per se; she does not feel secure of her place in the world, she craves trust because she feels she is distrusted, she craves respect because she feels she is overlooked, she craves love because she feels unloved. she doesn’t want to be a servant. she is terrified of insignificance, of being forgotten. she does not fit, and this hurts her. she is riddled with self-loathing and self-doubt because of the discrimination she has endured due to her saporian heritage. but if pressed to explain what she wants… she can’t summon a true answer. she doesn’t know what she wants, so what she is looking for fundamentally is to figure that out.

rapunzel: complicated again. she is a character defined in large part by what other people want from her. a people-pleaser who becomes anxious, persistent—even forceful—in her efforts to make everyone happy. she isn’t accustomed to paying attention to her own desires, and tends to neglect them unless she is acutely unhappy. i think she is looking for herself, more than anything.

varian: he is searching for answers. he wants to understand how the world works, to discover what it has to teach him. simple.

caine: she is looking for freedom. her life has been a long succession of horrific losses: her father was brutally taken from her, her mother became horribly ill, poverty and familial obligation robbed her of what remained of her childhood, she became disillusioned with the faith her aunt tried to share with her, her best friend died in her arms. she wants vengeance, and she also wants to stop carrying these ghosts with her, and she also wants to stop looking over her shoulder all the time and waiting for the next loss to catch up with her.

zhan tiri: she is looking for peace. she is the oldest living being in existence, and she came from nothing, and every single significant moment in her unfathomably long life has been soaked in blood and pain and death. her intrinsic nature is to hunger—always needing, always restless, always empty—and more than anything, she longs to break this endless circle of want.

#2: what’s stopping them?

every character must have an OBSTACLE which DISRUPTS their pursuit of what they’re looking for. it is the thing standing in their way. this is NOT the antagonist—it is the reason the character cannot easily overcome the antagonist. ideally it is something intrinsic.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she has, again, a complicated answer—because the very thing she is looking for is the same thing that stands in her way. how can she discover her basic, most primal want if she can’t even articulate her goals? she wants, at the beginning of the story, to join the watch—but not because she wants to join the watch, so much as joining the watch is a proxy for cassandra assimilating fully, for being coronan through and through, for scrubbing herself clean of the stain of her parents’ legacy—and that proxy is itself merely a proxy for her desire to belong—and her desire to belong is, in turn, a proxy for the agony of not knowing herself. she is piling bandaids on top of bandaids on top of bandaids on top of hemorrhages.

rapunzel: she is trapped in her own story. an evil witch kidnapped the magical lost princess, who escaped and came home; a miracle. the sundrop gifted its power to the lost princess; destiny. she a peacemaker and a mediator; it is her job to fix problems. narratives piled on narratives and she’s lost—or rather, never had—the insight to recognize that there is more to her than the stories people tell about her.

varian: his crushing need for approval is the key thing standing in his way. it isn’t just that his father’s disappointment or his village’s distrust make him warier of free experimentation; it is also, and perhaps even more so, that he is afraid of finding the wrong answers. answers that won’t help people. answers that his friends and allies won’t like. answers that change his basic view of the world in ways that feel antithetical to who he is. this fear holds him back from pursuing the truth.

caine: she is looking in the wrong direction; she is trying to not care, as if by not caring she can trick the universe into not taking anything else away. she is someone who cares so deeply trying to sever herself from everything she cares about without actually letting it go, which is of course an exercise in futility.

zhan tiri: what she wants is, quite simply, impossible. this is not a human answer because she is not human. contentment is and will always be something she is not capable of feeling, and chasing it is nothing but another exercise in insatiable hunger.

#3: what are they going to do about it?

this is about ACTION. it is not an option for a character to do nothing; the nature of the unfulfilled desire is that they are COMPELLED to seek it, somehow, by some means. if the answer to this question does not involve the character DOING SOMETHING, you need to return to question number one and fix the answer there.

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she is going to fling herself headlong and without hesitation after whatever concrete goals feel like they might “fix” the lack she feels. even if a short term goal (like helping rapunzel sneak out) clashes or is contradictory with a longer term goal (like joining the watch). even if it is an obviously stupid idea (like her secret correspondence with rosalia morcant). even if it is an impulse with little if any rational basis (like fixating on finding varian, or joining the fight in socona). she is, essentially, throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, because without knowing what she wants, she can’t form a coherent “quest” for herself.

rapunzel: she is going to follow the path of least resistance with whatever narrative feels the least restrictive to her at any given time. when she is fresh out of the tower, reconnecting with her real family and throwing herself into becoming a princess is that narrative. later, taking adira’s and xavier’s advice to pursue her destiny by questing for the moonstone replaces that narrative. since none of these narratives fully suit her—they are all boxes she tries to fit into—she will eventually grow discontent and cast them aside to try something new, until she finally breaks this cycle.

varian: he is going to fall into a cycle of hesitant side-stepping leading to crisis leading to frantic charge forward until he identifies this pattern and chooses to step calmly but courageously into unknown territory. his instinct is to try to go around, to find an oblique solution, but to get what he wants he will ultimately need to just face his fear head on—and deep down he is willing to do that.

caine: she is going to run, and fight, and keep running and fighting until her legs give out beneath her. vengeance appeals to her, and she’s going to chase it with everything she’s got while trying to protect what she has; her intense drive is tempered by caution, which manifests in a pragmatic approach to pursuit of her exterior goals.

zhan tiri: she is going to continuously and experimentally refine and broaden her definition of “hunger” with the aim of hitting on something that allows her to feel satiated. she is going to line up goals and systematically chew threw them until there’s nothing left. she is, eventually, going to devour the whole cosmos and then probably die.

#4: who do they think they are?

this is a question about the character’s SELF-IDENTIFICATION. how do they PERCEIVE themselves? how do they choose to DEFINE themselves? what do they see when they look in the mirror?

EXAMPLES:

cassandra: she is untrustworthy. she is ignored. she is likable but not lovable. she doesn’t fit anywhere. she’s empty. she’s unsure. she’s drowning in doubt. she is insignificant, unimportant. she has been wronged, somehow. she wants to be a hero. she is someone who wants to do the right thing. she never stops trying. she’s stupid and reckless and incapable and doesn’t deserve any of the things she wants. she probably cares too much.

rapunzel: she is good. she is kind. (she is better than other people, in some small way. she sees the potential for goodness that other people can’t, or won’t.) she is worthless. she exists to make the world a better place. she is a princess, so she has to lead. she is the sundrop, so she has to heal. she is strong. (she is weak.) her determination to be kind and willingness to trust are her best qualities.

varian: he’s probably a lot smarter than most people he knows. he doesn’t know anything, but he wants to. he’s reckless. he’s not good enough. he can’t replace his mom. he’s accident prone. he’s a disappointment. he moves too fast. he thinks too fast. he doesn’t really need to sleep. he’s better with chemicals and formulas and machines than people. he’s not someone people want to be friends with. he could do great things if people—especially his dad—would just believe in him for once.

caine: she is an asshole and there is nothing wrong with her. she’s callous. she’s selfish. she’s out for her own interest first. she’s fine. (it was her fault cornaīn died. it’ll be her fault if her mom dies, or if neasa dies, or if any more of her crew dies, or if cassandra dies.) she isn’t afraid, she isn’t hurt, she’s angry. the only person she can rely on is herself, and the only person she wants to rely on is herself. she’s not anxious, she’s being smart.

zhan tiri: she loves, and it hurts, and she loves anyway. there is a way to break the circle and she is going to find it; it isn’t over until the end; but nothing lasts but hunger. she has done nothing wrong, ever, in her life. she has so many regrets she could drown in them if she weren’t immortal. she is beautiful, stop screaming.

…and that’s the bedrock of a character.

every individual action, every specific goal, every thought and feeling, is ultimately guided by the clash between this internal core with the realities of the setting, plot, and choices of other characters. cognitive dissonance between answers #1-3 and answer #4 is a breeding ground for inner conflict, and answers #1-3 are the raw material from which the spine of the character’s arc is sculpted.

[bonus round: this method comes from a scene in the pre-broadway houston run of the musical wonderland, wherein a character poses these questions to alice; her answers are:

#1: “i’m looking for my lost child.*”

*this being both literally her child who is lost but also metaphorically her own sense of wonder and discovery, which she has lost touch with.

#2: “i do! i keep getting in my own way, it’s all i do!”

#3: “i’m trying to figure that out!”

#4: “i’m chloe’s mother. i’m married to jack. these people are my friends. i’m a writer. i’m a teacher. i’m the dreamer of this dream. i’m lots of things; i’m my own invention!”

and when i first listened to this audio i was blown away by just how perfectly this distilled the character of alice down to her purest essentials so i immediately adopted it for character building purposes and i have never looked back because it is simple and it works.

in this scene there is also a fifth question, “what are you afraid of?” (paraphrasing: “losing the people i love”) which i have over time sort of just lumped in with how i answer the other four, because i find it to be less evocative on its own. however, it is useful information to know about a character and i recommend keeping it in mind when answering the other four.]

#[flings writing advice into the void at 5:30 am] hello

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littleoddwriter · 3 years

Note

So in the comics, Sionis's skull mask is actually NOT a mask and the result of him cutting off his face. What about a story where Roman entrusts with Zsaz with disfiguring him?

Perfection | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask

1) Anon, please, you need to tell me what comic you saw/read this in, because I've read pretty much all of the ones Roman is in and it's always a mask (he's called Black Mask for a reason after all). It's usually just fused with his face because it was burned to it.

So, I'm genuinely just curious in which comic book version he cut his face off, because I'm not aware of it, fjdhfjkskfsl. And I need to read it. Please, dhjgsdjfhsf.

2) This turned more into a character study, whoops. I hope it's still to your liking anyway. Thank you so much for the request, it was super interesting and it totally got out of hand again... (cue no one being surprised).

I hope you enjoy! :)

summary; see above.

notes; TW / CW // Dissociation; Delusion; Psychosis; Visual Hallucination; Murder; Violence; Blood; Cutting; Disfiguration; Scars; Identity Death. That should be everything important.

A/N: Also, Roman suffers from BPD, like always in my Fics, so that's where this is all coming from, as I headcanon that it started out as the general symptom of having a distorted sense of self, and developed into a delusion, and then he suffered a psychotic break with hallucinations and such, resulting in his disfiguration.

[And remember that psychosis is a very serious thing and that I'm not using it lightly here. Psychotic people suffer. They're not bad people for having psychosis. They deserve love and respect. Don't use it against people, don't disrespect them with it and do not under any circumstances use it as a synonym for evil. Thanks.]

Everybody knew just how much Sionis cared about his perfect looks. Always, at any time, he had to look and be presentable, and he had to be perfect doing it. His parents had drilled it into him from an early age on, not caring much about anything about him, other than his appearance. He was one of the faces of Janus Corp after all. He had to be perfect in order to make the cosmetics sell better.

Still, when Roman looked in the mirror he couldn’t recognise himself. It was as though he was staring at a stranger. He painted his face and took great care of it; always making sure it looked immaculate. It didn’t help the disconnection he felt from it, though.

Sometimes it only made it worse, because really – he was just putting on a mask, wasn’t he? He made himself look absolutely perfect, so that others couldn’t possibly see what was underneath the surface.

He was a cruel and sadistic man, one with many issues, and a crime boss behind his businessman persona. That was all him, but it also wasn’t.

No, this cruel man was Black Mask.

The persona he’s made up to make a name of himself in Gotham’s underbelly. That was who he really was. Not Roman Beauvais Sionis. No, that man was just a mask that his parents had constructed and that he’s kept up all his life in a desperate attempt to gain approval and respect.

But every single day, one more crack appeared on this mask, and another piece broke off on worse days. Soon, none of this ‘Roman Sionis’ would be left.

He could feel it.

He could see it.

When he looked in the mirror, all he could see then was this broken mask, an empty shell, waiting to fully break apart and let the inside rear its ugly head to its fullest.

Some days even, he would sit in front of his vanity and look at himself for a while, seeing the way he cracked and broke apart slowly, but surely, how his skin was crawling with the feeling of it. It made him itch. He desperately needed to get it off.

So far he hasn’t dared to do it, though. He couldn’t make himself take a knife and just carve into this fleshy mask.

He hated the way he hesitated every time.

This mask didn’t mean anything.

It was just an unnecessary hurdle he had to overcome to be who he really was, to the fullest.

He’s already made a good progress of realising himself with the Black Mask, but it was just there to hide his perfect exterior, to seem more malicious, to protect his precious skin.

That particular night, he’s worn his Black Mask and had gotten into a nasty fight with some other criminals. While Zsasz and his other goons were usually so good at keeping him out of it, this time wasn’t so.

Victor had been busy fighting off three men at once – and really, Roman admired the way he’s overpowered them after all, soaked in their blood, three new tallies on his skin. It was magnificent. Zsasz was so gorgeous to him. He knew who he was; he had no qualms about whether or not he looked perfect. He wore each tally as though it was a medal – and in a way, Roman guessed it was. Sionis envied him – this freedom Zsasz had that he so desperately wanted.

Black Mask had been attacked by two men of his rival. He had tried shooting them, but one of them managed to knock his revolver out of his hand. It was okay, he wasn’t entirely incompetent when it came to hand-to-hand combat after all. Still, that didn’t mean he liked it.

During the fight, he’s taken some punches to the face, which was fine; the mask saved him of some of the damage. But then one of the muscles took it off his head, leaving him vulnerable. He hated it. It enraged him. His rage caught on fire, bursting into roaring flames. He went to beat them up with more fervour. He didn’t care anymore. He just wanted them dead.

And he did kill them, after one of them had swung a knife at him, slashing his left cheek. He wrestled it out of the guy’s hand and stabbed them both in the neck, watching with cold eyes as they bled out right in front of him.

The turmoil around him and Victor had started dying down by then. Eventually, they were able to go back home, death and victory hanging fresh in the air, excitement buzzing under their skin. And for that one night, Roman hadn’t even cared that there was a cut on his otherwise immaculate face, or that it would most likely heal into a nasty scar.

Of course, that hadn’t lasted very long.

The next morning, he had started crying because of it, too upset over his ruined skin, the evidence that his mask was slowly but surely breaking apart. He couldn’t stand it.

When the cut had healed, though, and it was merely a pink scar, and not as ugly as he had expected, it was easy to cover it up with make-up. He did that for a while, until he seemed to have reached his breaking point.

Roman has just gone through his usual nightly routine, which always took way too fucking long anyway for the fact that he’d never look as perfect as he wanted – no, not wanted – felt like he had to. And like so often, he just sat there in front of his vanity and looked at himself, staring at his face.

Was it really his face? He just couldn’t tell.

Was that really what he looked like? He didn’t feel like it.

It was just all wrong, so far away, not him.

No, that was underneath.

Everything important was only skin deep.

Or was it?

What if everything important was under the skin?

What if skin was nothing but a fucking hindrance?

What if perfection was nothing but an illusion? He was sure that it was.

Perfection didn’t exist.

Nothing and no one was perfect. He should know. While his parents tried to appear as though they were above everyone else, they really weren’t. They struggled with the fact that the Wayne’s were above them financially, but also as humans. Roman’s parents haven’t ever felt human to him at all. All affection was nothing but a lie, all ‘perfect and happy family’ was nothing but a show.

So no, perfection didn’t exist.

Then why did he even bother conforming to something that was only a construct anyway?

No more, though.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, it had become distorted. That wasn’t unusual for him. It happened a lot, especially as of late. He saw the crumbling mask that was his supposed face. Pieces broke off, starting by the scar on his left cheek. Those pieces were falling away, revealing only darkness. It was as though one was breaking a porcelain doll’s face in. Hollow inside. But that wasn’t what he was. He wasn’t hollow. His true self just needed a little help to come out.

“Zsasz!” he shouted for his partner.

It felt far away, as though someone else had shouted it, someone that wasn’t him. But then again, this wasn’t who he really was anyway.

“Boss?” Zsasz came into his dressing room.

He didn’t take his eyes off the mirror, looking at Victor through that.

“I need you to help me with something. You’re the only one I trust to do it right,” he stated, holding up the carving knife Zsasz usually used to peel off faces and slit throats on his command.

Victor looked at the knife and then back at him, looking confused. “D’you need me to kill someone?” he asked, unsurprisingly.

“No- well, technically yes, but not really,” he answered cryptically.

“Uh, sure, alright. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it, boss.” Zsasz was always so fucking loyal and obedient. It was truly lovely. That was exactly why he trusted him with it – and because Victor’s knife skills were definitely superior to his own.

“Good boy,” he purred and let Zsasz take the knife from him. “I need you to ruin this,” he continued, gesturing his hand around his face in circles to let Victor know exactly what he was talking about.

“Your face?” He nodded. “Are you sure, Roman?”

“Don’t call me that,” he hissed angrily, “And fucking do as I say! Ruin my face. I trust you to do it right and not have this body end up dead. ‘Kay?”

He didn’t know if Zsasz understood what he was on about, although it was so very clear to him, he couldn’t fathom the possibility of someone like Victor Zsasz not getting it.

“Alright, sure. Whatever you want,” Victor murmured then, “I need you to turn around, though. I can’t reach you well like this.”

Nodding, he turned around in his seat, facing Victor, who stood beside him on his right. “Go on then.” He twirled his hand, index finger up, for emphasis, like he always would.

In a way, he felt giddy with excitement, although some underlying anxiety lingered beneath it all. It would be okay, though. He was certain of it.

This was right.

This was what was supposed to happen.

Zsasz took a deep, steadying breath. Then he pressed the blade’s point against his right cheek. For a moment he didn’t do anything else, looking him over, giving him an exit to all of this. But he was so absolutely certain of himself in that moment; he wasn’t going to back out.

Not this time.

“Do it, Victor,” he ordered with a steady voice, conviction clear in it.

Nodding, Zsasz put pressure on the knife and pressed the tip into his skin, drawing a three inch line down his cheek with it. He didn’t react to the pain. He couldn’t feel it. He was so disconnected from it all.

Zsasz continued to slice into his face’s skin, making bigger and smaller cuts, all deep enough to scar, just like he did for his tallies. Blood was oozing out of them, running down his face, his chin, falling on his precious pyjamas – those with his face on it. It was alright, though. He wouldn’t need them after this anymore, anyway.

Eventually, Victor stopped cutting. “Is that enough, boss?” he asked.

He turned around and looked at himself in the mirror. He’d have to wear bandages over his face for a good while, that was for sure. It was worth it, though, because now it was perfectly ruined – disfigured.

Roman Beauvais Sionis was no more.

Due to the blood all over his face and running over his lips, he could only nod a little. He didn’t dare talk just yet.

Then Zsasz cleaned up all the cuts and bandaged them, making sure it was all safe and secure for the night.

While his face was slowly healing, Zsasz had inquired why he’d asked him to do it in the first place. He explained it to him and Victor understood – just like he knew he would. That was exactly why they were so strong together; why they had been meant for each other; why there was never a question about whether or not their relationship had been a good idea.

No one but Victor Zsasz could understand him. And no one but him could understand Victor.

When he was able to leave the bandages behind, Victor ran his fingers over the would-be scars. His eyes reflected the admiration and wonder he must have felt. It delighted him. He knew it had been right.

“Thanks for trusting me with it, by the way,” Victor had murmured that night as they lay in bed.

“Of course. No one else could have ever done what you have,” he replied, kissing his partner, “Thank you for not refusing to do it,” he added, his lips brushing against Zsasz’s as he talked.

“Anything for you, boss. Told you so.”

“I know. Still, saying something doesn’t always have to mean anything. Only actions truly say what words can’t.”

“Yeah, I s’ppose you’re right.”

It was just so easy to be with Zsasz. He couldn’t have possibly asked for someone better at his side.

The next morning, he looked in the mirror without any kind of bandaging and for the very first time in his life, he felt a connection to his mirrored image. He could finally see himself.

Now when he wore his Black Mask it wasn’t to hide, or to protect – no, it was only to symbolise his true self, put emphasis on it. He had nothing to hide anymore.

Perhaps perfection existed after all. Just not in the ways that society believed in.

He realised that, when he stared at himself in the mirror, in awe.

“Perfect,” Black Mask whispered, stroking his fingers over the scabs on his face.

And he truly was perfect.

#blood cw #tw delusion #disfigured #tw dissociation #identity death #tw murder #tw psychosis #roman sionis #roman sionis fanfiction #black mask #black mask fanfiction #victor zsasz #victor zsasz fanfiction #zsaszmask #zsaszmask fanfic #fanfiction #i wonder if anyone catches the details from the comics i incorporated into this fhkdsgkdfl #i also wonder if anyone notices what i started doing here after bit into the fic #i probably think this is more inconspicuous and smart than it really is rip fjdhjhdsjkfgdl

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starcrossedau · 4 years

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Disclaimer: This is not for commercial use, all intellectual property belongs to @timetohajima. Copyright: here.

ANONYMOUS SAID:

genuine question: in your opinion does jungkook have a kink for older women (or guys if he's into that)? 👀 and out of the members who's most likely to have no strings attached flings?

Hey, anon! I would only be able to tell that for sure when having his birth time. :( And even then I don’t think I’d share since I think it’s quite personal? If I were to say it for sure. From a psychological perspective, though, it seems quite obvious to me that older people will attract him more since he’s been surrounded by them since he was young. Like, younger or immature people will hardly be his type because he’s not used to them and won’t be patient enough - also because he was forced to mature earlier than most as well. I like to joke that he’s a little shit and he indeed is, can play around a lot and loves provoking others, but it’s clear that it’s some kind of escape to how mature he’s forced to act, a way of dealing with the pressure of actually having to be like a grown up while being so young. This is all just speculation, though, no Astrology facts involved. lol

As to MTL likely to have no strings attached relationships… This is hard because houses will define a lot of how things will actually go down regarding this matter, but I’ll speculate a little (so be advised that if I ever get my hands on their birth times everything could be different). Above anything else, I’d like to clarify that none of them seem to be the type, to me, to not have even a little bit of feelings when in a relationship with someone… They’re all a little to soft for that to happen. But anyway:

Taehyung | Alright, hear me out. Capricorn everywhere makes him loyal and eager to share seriously when in a relationship - but also makes him picky af. He knows exactly what he wants and that not only makes him demanding but also someone that has quite an easy time on not allowing himself to feel when he sees no logic in it (like, if he’s physically attracted to someone he’ll know how to separate that from actual feelings). Some people with as many Capricorn placements as he does combined with a Venus in Aquarius could even have no relationships at all for a really long time - in his case, though, there’s also this little thing called Moon in Aries. Said sign is agitated and loves to conquer (goals and people lol), loves the thrill of being able to get what they want and loves the chase. So while he’ll take a little longer to actually settle down since he’ll be picky af in the process - he’ll like to try out a few things before getting to that point. Like, he’ll want to be in simple relationships until the actual time comes. He can be very intense and eager to share absolutely everything about him when truly in love - but that is likely to take time and he won’t be able to just relax and wait because his Moon won’t allow it. So. No strings attached flings would be an option because he’d have control over it, and he’s very good at attracting people his way, so…

Yoongi | I know, I know - guy is soft af. No strings attached does not seem to be his thing, right? However, his Venus is in Aries is combined with a Moon in Virgo or Libra (since he was born on the day it was about to change I can’t say for sure which one it is without the birth time). Both are actually likely to make him someone that likes to be in a relationship - but doesn’t necessarily feel as attracted to the other person as they should. Libra because it loves to be in love but rarely ever is truly in love (loves the idea of it but will only honestly do so when finding the exact partner they want) and Virgo because it feels the need to be in a relationship but is so picky that it isn’t very likely to actually open up (not as often as other signs would, anyway). Let me elaborate: Yoongi is picky lvl 99. The guy is demanding af, loves things to be exactly the way he wants them to - meaning he will be interested in people but can get tired of them very easily if they’re not up to his standards, or will just approach said people out of the need of his Venus in Aries getting to express itself but won’t necessarily be emotionally involved. Said Venus loves to attract people and feel powerful, loved - but can get tired very easily and not really… Love. He has many Pisces placements and a Mars in Cancer that balance this, so he does have feelings… But I’m inclined to believe that not having to deal with feelings all the time is something that makes him more comfortable and so having no strings attached flings is an easy enough option that will attract him.

Originally posted by gotjhope

(a fluff ball that will test you)

Seokjin | Moon in Aries and Venus in Capricorn plus a Sun in Sagittarius and a Mercury in Scorpio… Basically he’s very talented at attracting people his way and won’t necessarily be as interested as the other person will. Don’t take me wrong, at the end of the day he’s still a sweetheart (mostly because of his Mars in Cancer making him a little too soft) - but doesn’t mean he won’t be able to attract people he’s not into. I don’t think he does these on purpose, though, he’s just literally that attractive (not only his looks but also his personality). Meaning that the guy has many options without even trying and since Venus in Capricorn can take ages to commit and Moon in Aries, like I’ve already stated, loves the thrill of being in intense but not very lasting flings… What I’m trying to say here is that he doesn’t try to have no strings attached flings but they literally fall on his lap. Not only does the society that he lives in give great importance to looks (and I mean, c’mon, look at him) but his career is also so demanding that he barely has time to work his Venus in Capricorn properly (again, a placement that takes ages to commit so only fully does so after a long time) - meaning that although I don’t feel like it’s his thing it has probably happened at some point because 1) it was too easy to happen for him to say not to it and 2) if not doing so with no strings attached flings he just simply wouldn’t have any relationships at all (since, you know, Venus in Capricorn - but his Moon in Aries definitely wouldn’t allow him to just lay around waiting for the great love of his life™ to appear).

Namjoon | Moon in Sagittarius makes one… Experimental. And have great appreciation for feeling free to do whatever they want, when they want to. They like to try out different things while having their personal space respected - and when it comes to relationships, they’ll be eager to look for different experiences as so to grow as individuals. Mixed with his Venus in Scorpio giving him great passion and Mercury in Libra making him eager to look for relationships… I’d say that yes, he’ll feel something for the people he’s with - but above all, he’ll love the thrill of said relationships. He’ll love to try out different things and can have some talent separating himself from the situation - be it either an emotional one or not. However, his Venus is conjunct his Jupiter, increasing his feelings immensely… So could mean that he’s so passionate that he can’t feel ok when being single and loves to relate to people even if it’s not that deep - but could also mean that as much as he’d approach said people in an experimental and eager-to-maintain-his-freedom way he’d still eventually get too emotionally involved. Basically, he might like the idea of it but will end up being the one that does it wrong. lol

Jimin | So this is hard because I’m struggling not to place him higher up but hear me out. Guy has a lot of passion and feels deeply the need of being in relationships all the time, he has probably been in love with the idea of love since a very young age - so he definitely has had many flings. Having a Moon in Gemini (great communicator, great at smooth talk) combined with a Venus conjunct Mars in Scorpio (feelings everywhere, passion everywhere) and a Sun and Mercury in Libra (a sign that stands for flirting and relationships)… The guy knows his way around the people he’s attracted to, I know he can act shy sometimes (I’m not saying that he isn’t with absolutely everything, but he does also use it as a casual charming way of attracting people - the little shit) - but it’s very likely that he has been through many, many… Situations. lmao I don’t wanna go to deep because I feel like it’s too personal, but you get the gist. He’s awesome at flirting and therefore could be comfortable with attracting many different people (not saying that he did, though…….. I can’t know that without the birth time) - but at the same time Jimin has a bunch of feelings. So his… Romantic life has been… Intense?… But I wouldn’t say that he’s likely to have no strings attached flings since he’s too intense for that to happen. Everytime anything ever happened in his life regarding romantic matters there were certainly a lot of feelings involved.

Originally posted by sonyeondan

(i’m sorry bb i feel like i’m always exposing you lmao but i love you okay)

Jungkook | Much like Yoongi, Jungkook was born on the day the Moon was about to change signs - so he’s either a Moon in Leo or Moon in Virgo guy. If his Moon is indeed in Leo, combined with his Venus in Libra I’m very inclined to believe that he’s actually into having many flings - but even then he would definitely be emotionally attached somehow. If his Moon is in Virgo, though, could mean he’s had less flings (which I believe is the case) - but got emotinal about them just the same. Virgo is a sign that talks about fidelity and committing, Libra loves relationships but above all likes to be in love - although both are very demanding, his Libra is working differently than the others I’ve mentioned here. His Libra is defining his Venus, the best place for it to be at, so Jungkook is great at loving people in the best way that it could be - his emotional being is healthier than most. Even though I can’t place his Moon properly I’m still inclined to say that combined with his Virgo placements he’s actually likely to feel extremely devoted to the people he loves - so no strings attached flings are probably not his thing. He could have to be into a few because of his career, though… If they were to happen, he’s fully capable of separating himself from them - but I honestly don’t think it’s something he’s into (however, he could be someone that plainly announces he’s not interested in a serious thing but the other person will be fooled out of their own… delusional nature? - like I’ve mentioned here) .

Hoseok | There’s really not much to say here… Moon in Taurus by itself already talks about stable relationships and the need to fully share healthy and romantic feelings with someone - combined with a Venus conjunct Mercury in Pisces? I know it already seems like it so there’s no big revelation here but Hoseok has many, many feelings. He could try to have no strings attached flings because his Aquarius placements will make him curious but I hardly doubt he ever got to it because. You know. Feelings. He has too many, I honestly cannot see this kind of relationship happening for him.

Originally posted by hobioppa

(a cutie that is way too dramatic to not get emotionally involved)

That’s it, anon! What do you think? Do you agree? This ended up being huge but, well, rambling is my thing. lol

29.06.17

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12 NOTES

REBLOG

#thekpopnetwork

#btssunshinenet

#bts scenarios

#bangtan

#venus

#miya answers

#mtl

#this took me so fucking long

#take it on me to overthink such a simple question lol

#miya #astrology #nostringsattached #bts jimin v jungkook rm jin namjoon yoongi jhope relationships

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astrology-with-charu · 4 years

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20 Jan 3:38pm ET Mars Conjunct Uranus 6º44’

Aquarius Season Begins ! Focus of Feb 2021 by sign :

So we have talked about it, warned about it, fret a little about it and at the same time felt a little excited about it. Mars Conjunct Uranus is here. As its not just a day long transit we have felt this about a week or so coming in and would continue to feel for a week on the way out though it wouldn’t ever be fully out. Fixed aspects are such they are never out of our system.

They create long term shifts in fixed corners of our psyche.

This is the most interesting aspect and to some its scary & erratic as well as it acts out of character or norm and its unpredictable. I have this aspect in my natal chart in a square and I can tell you people who deal with me have that kind of varied response too. Some find my actions interesting, some erratic, some strong willed and some think I am downright nuts - mission accomplished, keep them guessing 😉 When Mount Etna slowly but surely exploded its lava out after seething for a while it reminded me of this aspect. Whatever is hemmed in surely explodes - thats one thing thats certain of this aspect - Need for Freedom.

We take what we want from each aspect and each person so I am going to try and see if we can draw the best of this aspect. It happens every year & in Taurus it helps over seven years release fixity in comfort zone corners of our life in food, in money, in assets, in economy, in voice, in talents. The special and unique thing about it this year and about 2021 as a whole is that this aspect are / will aspect the 5 planets in Aquarius over Jan and Feb - nothing real or noticeable happens without a square - I mean what’s the point if it wont be in your face 😉. You cant ignore a square, its not easy but it makes sure you notice it and do something about it cause otherwise it just hurts too much to live with it. It actives us to make the shift.

So if you feel the pain in places you used to draw comfort from, know its your body and psyche giving you hints like boulders to make that shift.

I noted where and what this aspect is happening in my 2021 note as thats something where every fabric of your being would look for more freedom and shift in. How will it play out though, where would it manifest is another story cause those 5 planets in Aquarius in this season will help you put the sand in the sandpit for you to play in and display your need for freedom, brilliance and change. Mercury will also be going retrograde in Aquarius (30 Jan-20Feb) so you will have some rethink, rework before you put the first layer in - this process will go on this year as Saturn and Jupiter go back and forth over it helping you create source of your next 20 years of growth using this first layer of sand you are putting in Aquarius season.

Videos by sign done before :

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLv3tUTLu8-MT2IvHWqfAHwrOXVpEPjfxw

Across signs Mars Uranus is a volatile energy so physically you would want to be careful with devices, knives etc especially fixed signs : Taurus, Aquarius, Leo and Scorpio especially planets around 7º.

Let’s begin - by sign what are you about to begin:

#Aries : Network, platform, investment gains, group of influential

Looking to have a platform or a group of influential people or a fan base or a set of like minded people - your tribe who can work on the new vision you have of your life. That’s where it will manifest. What’s the driver and what’s the Mars Uranus restleness and brilliance - its in your money, confidence, self respect and assets house. You seek freedom in financials, radical self confidence in your personal assets and its a drive to prove your worth to none other than yourself. It’s you wanting to play and have fun with assets and money without being tied down. Creating all of it from the things that bring you bigger vision of life and helps you connect with people on larger scale instead of being confined and limited in your outlook to life. So you would work on money & asset shifts and manifest it in form of a platform or a network or a group of like minded people working on a larger vision - also through investments beyond a job, gains from investments. Detachment from fixity of assets and any kind of source of income that inhibits your freedom would seem urgent and essential. It might almost feel manifestation of your vision is impossible without it. Money becomes a means to freedom and you look to stop trading money for time as how you spend your time becomes more meaningful. A step towards that vision is what this season is about.

#Taurus : Job, career, leadership style, your title

Looking to start a new job or a new way to do a job or a shift in title - what you are know as and known for, shift in how you are a leader of your life. Driver is you don’t want to be who you were before. You want to detach from your past life in some ways as you would like to be more authentic to yourself, be more of you instead of what others want you to be or see you as. As you “show yourself” so as to speak - the existing mode of how you express yourself - which is normally our profession, our formal title - would also shift with it cause you want it to. Mars Uranus right now might make you feel very rebellious - wanting to jump out of your skin - sorry I don’t know why the werewolf analogy is popping in my head - you are beautiful inside out - but as risk of offending you I will use that analogy. It’s about you about to pop out - if you are a wolf inside and have been a sheep outside, it wont work for you especially not in your job. Yes it can be an erratic display, a conflict, a fight with authority but you know what - its long overdue probably. We can manage how it looks but not how it is - how it is , is how it is. So it would be a bit of truth time and time to move to what’s more real to you as you make a new start this season in your work.

#Gemini : Travel (jeez talk about being a tease), adventure, higher education, publication, putting your content on a platform, teach, higher mind

Geminis are going places, wanting to start something that gives them adventure, gives them that high vibe they crave. Aquarius season activates a very positive and to some extend radical part of their chart - this is what makes them so brilliant and interesting. They get radical also positively. They look like they are thinking of ten things at a time seemingly lost on all ten but inside they are synthesizing how to take over the world. This is where Gemini converge all they have learned and put it into a book, into a publication, on a platform, they teach, they engage with people who are different and far from them using tech and state of art platforms, they create state of art platforms to publish information thats useful and meaningful. Their drive is this Mars and Uranus bringing all thats within to right in from of them - they don’t feel scared any more of endings, of facing any demons within or outside, of facing their own fears - they have got to do it cause they are after finding their place in this wide wide universe. They are after establishing meaning of their existence and wanting to make it valuable beyond imagination. They want to wrap all their hidden talents, hidden insecurities and light it all on fire to get out in the open. It’s almost like they are asking - let me see how my worst fears play out - let me see what was I really afraid of. So I don’t ever have to use that word “fear” ever again anymore. Preach Gemini we are all ears!

#Cancer : Give & take in partnerships, Karmic, depth, healing

You know they say those who hurt so much, learn to heal others of their hurt. I always think of Cancerians when they say that. Cause why else would God or higher powers make them feel so much... unless it was to help them understand how every living being feels in every living instance. Human emotions isn’t the only thing Cancerians are expert on using their intuition on - they are sensitive on knowing the undercurrent of society and even financial world if they apply themselves to it. They are brilliant in seeing things below the surface but they create a protective layer even against their own intuition sometimes cause sometimes what they see hurts them. That sometimes makes a Cancerian stay in dysfunction longer than they should. So its a new wave of detaching ourselves from what’s karmic what’s bad for us and our intuition has told us so many times but we have been shielding ourselves from our own knowing. Its time to start a new ledger and put a knot on all old karmic ties so you establish a blank slate. A new start in much more powerful way of being when it comes to partnership, seeing the writing on the wall and handle give and take differently in relationships, use your depth and intuition in financial matters where you know things way ahead of time. Using your knowledge of matters unknown to others by putting that knowledge out on a platform, on a screen, for wide population to see. Sharing your depth, your knowing, your ideas with a larger set for their benefit versus reserving all your heart and love for one. Uranus and Mars will introduce you to unique people, offer you opportunities to work on new and state of art platforms to put your knowledge on and help you detach from past patterns in relating to others. Love is a tough topic, actually not love but intimacy and that depth & returns you seek in relationship is cause may be for far too long we have been mistaking unease, dysfunction, pain and karmic for depth and love. Love is not supposed to feel like pain. This is process of relearning it all by detaching from dysfunction. Starting new without the heavy.

#Leo : Clients, contract, commitment

Restless restless Leos have been looking for that thing, that thing they don’t know what thing, but that thing in their work, in their business, in their title, in the way they rule that domain of theirs - that links what they feel inside with a manifestation outside. They feel like a king or a queen inside - larger than life, magnanimous, caring for the people who benefit from just their smiling confident gaze. That’s their true self, that’s who they were born to be. But then life got in between and daily annoyances, need to pay the bills and take care of people got in the way. Licking the wounds of not being themselves for far too long, Leos have been waiting to roar. Fixed signs are triggered and Leos are on top of the list cause they crave and need to break out of these shackles that hold their mind down and make them be who they know within they are not. The place they would want to be themselves the most would be in how they handle their job, their work and especially in the one on one interactions with their clients and partners. You are preparing a stage for your enormous potential. It could be by working towards a new contract that allows to access to the client or people who you crave to connect with or gives you the kind of freedom and eclectic freedom and brilliance in work you crave. You want your clients, your partners, your platform to benefit from your ideas and brilliance. You need a mode to convey that - may its not in the traditional job or may be a traditional job needs to follow some new rules to make that happen. Either ways if there is not a way you will make a way - such is the fixed intensity of your Mars Uranus in your career - it will make you jump through jobs, rebel at jobs, create unique roles, create unique career - till you have got it. What would you start new to make it all happen - a new contract, a new commitment, a new partnership or a unique disruptive partner which helps you explore your own psych to see why any of the titles not fitting who you feel within. May be cause what you want doesn’t exist right now, may be cause you are a creator and not a follower, may be its time to stop looking for someone to create what you want and make it yourself.

#Virgo : Order, job, project, coworkers, work place, mind body connection

When Uranus first entered their house of higher mind over two years back, it was almost like something very subtly but surely shifted in them. Whatever they thought they knew about life and where theirs’ is going at least changed. It’s a weird thing - philosophy - its supposed to be nebulous, non physical thing but its one thing in our life which if shifts - everything consequently has to shift to adjust it. As their philosophy in life shifted and is in process of fully changing who they are - Virgos have to adjust the most important thing in their life to adjust that to go with it - their own daily routines, the thread of life that runs their physical existence - their processes, their work environment, who they work with and what kind of projects they work on and most importantly how they take care of your body. Its a cause of friction when your life philosophy and who you are within has expanded but you still continue to work with the same people or employ the same people you did before or the way you handle your body and your routines stay the same. When your higher mind has been set free you need to start a new chapter in your physical reality as well - new start in your own daily routines, when you work out, where you work out, how you take care of your body, what kind of projects you work on, who you work with or who you hire, what’s the structure of your work place, what’s the kind of workplace you go to. Its got to reflect it all - your daily environment has to mirror your higher vision else you will feel a friction in your body and that friction would show up in form of non stop conflicts with coworkers or unease in health. Use this season to break a pattern and start anew.

#Libra : Risk appetite, love, passions, children, joy

People have a lot against pandora box - I love the unexpected nature of it all - I love the fact that it shows that side of us that we knew was in us but it wasn’t oh so kosher to show up cause of others. But when you close it - the gifts go back in as well as does hope, joy and passion. The very balanced and my beautiful Librans can write their own book on balance and the evils of opening such boxes but what if it was knocking on their own doors. Uranus and Mars wakes up a dormant yet very important part of Librans thats not only powerful, its essential to help them make their passions come to life. Some call it kundalini release some call it that coiled serpent - one thing thats common in it all is that its not something that anyone attaches with a Libra archetype. Its raw passion, even anger, jealousy, need to be powerful, establish that right give and take in partnership, knowing your own worth and not being shy of making it evident and asking returns that corraborate that. Its somewhat essential to release that - cause its also the part of you that helps you go after your desires, helps you take a bit of risk in your love and professional life, helps you give birth to what you love and would cherish as your legacy. So thats where we begin - driver is to come into your own power, to release archaic ways of give and take in partnership, to let the patterns play out as they should and not on basis of how good or bad they look. What you start new to give that drive an outlet is a new passion, a new appetite for risk in life and that could be in form of a new love, a new hobby, a child, a business thats like a child - its you giving birth to what you would love, cherish and is an extension of your love for self. This is excellent season for you Libra as its your house of joy which is woken up but its facing a hesitance - a bit like resistance to ones own happiness as it requires you to go out of your element to get there. It requires you to not hide the powerful side of you when you deal with others and let them know what you know.

Don’t reduce yourself to make mediocre feel comfortable. They aren’t elevated, we become mediocre in the process.

#Scorpio : Home, family, ancestors, place of living, comfort

People don’t understand why a Scorpio needs to be sure before going into something or going “steady” and why they have to “sense” out things. Sage the hell out of their aura cause they are about to occupy mine for a lifetime says my Scorpio rising.

People don’t get that as much as we are eager to act and ready to face any consequence, we have a fixity in our relationships and partnerships. Partners and relationships never leave Scorpios even when they leave. But the “please no drama” zone of partnerships to be honest has become a bit of battlefield lately. What are we fighting for though. More freedom, more authenticity possibly. But may be more passion, more expression, more dynamism. Its such a contradiction isn’t it - the area we seek the most stability in - we also seek the most excitement and freedom in as well. That kind of freedom can only be based in trust, can only be based if we feel stable in our footing. Feel sure of the ground we stand on and then we can build all the existing relationships, connect with unique partners and clients / networks with. Aquarius season and this year of Saturn Jupiter in our house of home, family, place of living is aiming to do just that. Beef up the home metaphorically and physically. So this season we do something new in that direction so we can take more risks in our business and personal partnerships. We embellish our home, shift houses, countries, find a home within home and find the resources that beef us up from within or find that tribe we can call family that help us get there. Nothing above the surface can fly higher without that home as much as we would want to run away from it. So it might be time to put roots, find that place or do something make your family comfortable in some ways so you have a sure footing within - by purchasing real estate or changing your lease or shifting something in the house or deciding which country you would live in. Normally modern family structures and home structures suit us, possibly away from place of birth or away from parents in some ways - Scorpios cherish the closeness that comes from letting them have their “space” - may be time to find a bit of space so you can think, create and draw strength from. Beef those roots up.

#Sagittarius : Communication, immediate environment, commercial skills

Like a fish out of water, Sagittarius might have put themselves in a zone totally out of their comfort zone cause what they themselves don’t understand right now is that traditional isn’t cutting it for them as much as they are trying. Old isn’t vast enough to let them be who they need to be. The kind and level of commercial success and to some extend the kind of impact they are looking for doesn’t come from traditional careers. They are looking to create something unique and its coming in tough by sticking to old work environment or even that environment might have stopped suiting who they are becoming. Its a process that started over two years back when Uranus first started in their house of work and health - creating a bit of environment of restless brilliance which is just waiting to pop but not yet finding possibly its outlet. Not yet finding that outlet cause may be using the old skill sets and using the old teachings / learnings or old modes and methods of selling / communicating. When you cannot stand the confinement of your surrounding, usually your immediate environment needs a shift - as does the people you see on a daily basis, the road to work you take, the car or vehicle you use and the platforms / devices you use for communicating your perspective along with the words that you are communicating. This new start this season is an up skill to a new commercial reality by changing what you talk, what you sell, what your talents are. I love that unique brilliant futurist sign of Aquarius sits in mind of Sagittarius - it makes them say what they think but also say what they see far ahead of time. They blurt out outstanding thoughts... well without a thought. Possibly a new course can be pretty helpful just to open your mind to new way to commercialize those brilliant thoughts. Perhaps a new neighbourhood or new surroundings can open the mind to more suitable environment that help you commercialize. Perhaps a new platform or new communication devices help support your work in the way you would like. Perhaps a new route to work could help support the new health routine you are looking for. Anything that opens your mind to new economy would be a helpful hand in your journey to get more freedom in your work and provide a platform for you to express your ahead of time ideas. But speak, sell, communicate, connect, commercialize - its time to.

#Capricorn : Money, assets, networth and self worth

I have said it before and I am going to shout from the rooftops till everyone knows, I love love the Uranus transit Capricorn are getting on. Its so freeing - its going to free their sense of joy, their ability to connect with the fun playful innocent child within which has been forced to grow up way too fast with the last few years of transit. Uranus in your house of joy and passions is screaming to release all thats fun, confident, talented, creative, passionate about you. You feel driven to take the risks you have not taken in love, in money, in business - it creates this radical confidence in your ability to bring things to life, in your ability to give birth to the unique thoughts within. And it all, as with everything else with Capricorn, has got to be something real - something touch it feel it. The manifestation of it all to start with could be seen in your financials , in your assets, in things you are going to buy or invest in. Aquarius season starts a new cycle in your networth and self worth. New source of income, new asset, new investment, new purchase that would add to your networth and a new sense of self that helps you go after getting true value of your talents. You might even go after aquiring some talents that help you create more value e.g. in stock markets. You are on a new journey where you want to be free of guilt in being happy, in being fruitful, uninhibited smile - whatever brings that on, bring that on!

#Aquarius : You

Everyone’s talking about you or of you, you don’t necessarily like that... you didn’t ask for it but may be you did - its all been going stale for a while so you did ask for it all to become interesting and it all started being a bit more interesting two years back and now its just all changing way too fast. More importantly think I am changing too fast and rest is changing with me cause my comfort zone is shifting - cause well I wanted to do something different. So here it is that time to start new life, new you in your season - Happy Aquarius Season to you and happy birthday to Aquarius Sun. It just is how your season would be for next few years but this is a landmark one as lot of energy concentrated in your sign is being challenged by your own inertia to change things cause you feel the comfort zone will be lost in some ways - not registering there is no comfort zone anymore. When a kite has taken a flight there is no ground to rest on so its better to learn to fly breathlessly a bit cause stopping isn’t an option at this stage. Unprecedented growth is the reward awaiting of you taking over the reigns of your life in your hand. You have taken a journey where you are fully owning everything in your life, now so don’t look back - start another new chapter in that new direction you have decided to go on. There could be physical volatility in home, family or place of living - its like some constant ground you stood on is shaking - cause its limiting your ability to go where you need to. Its like you need to almost forget where you came from to become who you need to be - leaving the nest is one thing, forgetting the patterns that physically kept you there is another. This is like you are literally being reprogrammed as a person - physically in your body, in your fitness, in what kind of a leader you are and how you show up to the external world. And as part of that reprogramming, your old patterns would have to be irrevocably erased. Whatever it takes!

#Pisces : Peace, healing, health, recognizing your hidden talents & place in universe

Most brilliant creators go to isolation away from everyone to create their masterpiece even though the masterpiece is for the enjoyment of the very people they are going away from. Its like somehow they need to connect with themselves before they can give to others their best work. Its like for it all to be kosher pure chaste and brilliant it needs to be all free of any influence. Do you feel the need to shut all that noise sometimes so you can hear what the universe is trying to talk just to yourself - so you can find why you came here - what is your role and what are you here to serve. Uranus in your house of mind, create such sensitivity and brilliance in your mind that you feel sometimes an idea a minute coming - yet not having an outlet for it all sometimes just leaves a restless feeling that makes it impossible to settle down or sleep sometime. What if you needed a beat to put it all down, what if you needed to create your island so you can in that silence synthesize all that the rest of the connections have inspired you to think of. I am in no way suggesting its time to go on a mountain but I am saying there are two parts of you - conflicting parts of you fighting it out right now. One is teaming with day to day bustle, so much talk, so much information, so much connection, so many ideas, so many people in surrounding acting erratically. Yet not being able to leave that cause I know I can create here something unique, I am learning so much commercially, I am meeting so many unique people, I am actively engaged in my mind and body. Yet this can make you exhausted and scattered. Aquarius season and this year helps you find that corner behind the stage where all the real work happens. You work on a network project behind the scene there, you find peace in your thoughts there, you possibly connect with your hidden skills there, you meditate, put yourself in unique healing positions and potions to bottle all that brilliance into something of value, something of impact, something that can benefit many people. Gift that place behind the stage this season by starting a practice, finding your spirituality again, work on a behind the scene project thats your vision, deal with your fears and inner world. Its going to completely change how you deal with that active, bustling yet brilliant external life of yours. All innovators do this and you are one. All innovators also decide to give away & serve before they get & gain.

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insidious-apple · 3 years

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LONG POST ABOUT SHIPPING IN FANDOMS

Last night, my gf and I were discussing shipping in fandoms (specifically mcyts) and it got me thinking so I’d like to present my fully awake thoughts on the matter.

okay so!

Shipping isn’t new. shipping has been around since fandoms have been around and fandoms have been around a long time. but with how expansive and connective the internet is, fandoms have become way more of a thing and so has shipping and ship art and parasocial relationships and all that jazz. parasocial relationships are actually completely normal because as humans, we seek to form social connections with people, so when we hear or see them (i.e. on TV or on youtube), we seek to establish a friendship bond with them. This is why celebrity crushes are a thing. The problem with that is that these celebrities are people too and they can be completely overwhelmed by all the attention, especially if it’s sexual in nature. None of this is new information.

Then there’s a completely different thing, which is shipping. When fans ship a celeb or cc with one of their closest friends, that can make stuff a bit weird. Like, imagine if all the randos at your school thought (and told you) that you and your best friend would make a really good couple. Or even if they said that you and an acquaintance of yours would be really good friends. Kinda creepy, right? Because it’s none of their business who you date or who you’re friends with. Same concept, only it’s hundreds of thousands, or maybe even millions, of people telling two celebrities or content creators that they would be really good friends or make a really good couple. It’s creepy and it’s none of the fans’ business.

On one hand, fandoms should stop shipping altogether. It’s creepy and rude and it’s especially tolling for these celebs that can’t get out of the limelight, whether that be physically, mentally, or online. It’s got to be extremely difficult to just let all that stuff wash over them all day every day. This includes fanart and fanfiction (both sfw and nsfw), comments on videos, blogs, everything. Also, it’s kind of dehumanizing. When a person is famous, they get all these pictures painted of them, but the unknown gaps are always filled in, whether they want them to be or not. This turns the person into more of a brand or character that can be whatever the fans want them to be and that can pressure the person into trying to be more like that character instead of being more like themselves. Stuff like this can also violate boundaries as some people are just straight up not okay with seeing fanart or fics of themselves, to name a couple of things. And these celebs are people and their boundaries should be respected. If you draw a weird drawing of your friend that you know they wouldn’t be okay with, you wouldn’t post it on the internet for everyone to see because it would hurt their feelings. Same goes here, just on a much larger scale. This ESPECIALLY goes if the celebs or content creators are young and still mentally developing. And I don’t just mean young like under 18. I mean young like college age, like 25 and younger. These people are still developing in the world and the fact that they have to encounter all this stuff about them on a daily basis is just not good for their mental health and we should respect that. Like even if they said they’re completely fine with it, it still gives me weird vibes when I remember that the art or fic or whatever is about real people who are trying to live their lives without everyone knowing every little tiny detail about them, yet they still know that people are trying to find every detail about them. This sucks because fans aren’t entitled to every little detail. That’s just a fact, and always will be. And fandoms are kind of riddled with this. It almost looks like people trying to talk behind someone’s back, which always weird for they person they’re talking about, whether they’re talking shit or talking good.

On the other hand (especially with the dream smp), fanart and fics are so fucking cool! Being inspired and making art out of your inspiration will never not be one of the coolest things the human brain can do. And holy FUCK there are so many talented individuals out there who can do so much with so little information, it’s insane. And fandoms are the perfect place for these people because they have stuff to go off of, but they also have the freedom to express themselves. Especially when celebs say that they’re okay with stuff, it opens up a whole new world of expression and I think that’s super fucking cool.

Another note: the internet has free speech, which i think is pretty damn cool. However, this does not include freedom from consequences. If you say some dumb shit or some fucked up shit on the internet, I guarantee you there will be consequences. These can come in the form of your post getting taken down for violating community guidelines or someone calling you out in the comments. And I think that’s a good thing. Reporting and blocking are some of the best functions on the internet and i think that people should use them more often, especially in relation to aforementioned things that violate people’s boundaries. Often, people will just comment and share it saying “yo wtf this is gross” but that just draws more attention to the fucked up thing in question.

I didn’t really have a place I was going with this, but basically: - Don’t violate celebs/content creators’ boundaries. - Don’t dehumanize people just because you don’t know every little thing about them. - DON’T MAKE NSFW ART/FICS ABOUT MINORS. - Don’t push stuff on celebs/content creators. They’re people too. - Differentiate between characters and the people behind them in your works. The difference is VERY important. - If you do any of the above things, don’t be surprised if you get called out about it. - Most importantly, have fun! Don’t be afraid to put fanart or fanfic out there if the celeb/content creator is okay with it. The internet and fandoms are supposed to be fun for everybody, including the fans and the thing/people they are a fan of.

Okay that’s all I have to say about that for now. *steps off soapbox*

#long post #opinion #fandom opinion #dream smp #content creators

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broadwaytheanimatedseries · 5 years

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Once Upon A Time, In A Far Away Land... - AU:

The legend says that King Raymond, then still a Prince and an adventurer, went to find the terrible threat known as the dragon witch, that has been rumored to have hurt innocent people and was the cause of great distress for a long time. What he found was a lovely, beautiful woman with charm and wit and a heart of gold, who's reputation had been tainted by those who tried to steal from her and payed the price when she defended herself.

It was then and there that the king decided he would do anything to make her happy.

Many years later, and the two married and had a family together. Three beautiful boys. Two of them ordinary looking twins, and the younger one seemingly half dragon and half human.

Now of course not everyone in the kingdom was immediately on board with their new queen, not did they all approve of the princes, especially the young one. But eventually, most of them came around, or at the very least knew better than to voice their negative opinions.

The years pass and the children grow up. Roman and Remus learn magic and swordsmanship, both being more talented in the latter, and they go on lots of adventures, both together and separately.

while Drake learns all that and more, doing his best to perfect all his skills but being especially talented in magic. he wants to be able to always have the right answers, to never be caught unprepared.

Unfortunately, he is caught very unprepared.

One day, while adventuring in a part of the woods rumored to be overtaken by the misfits and rebels of the kingdom, Roman and Remus are caught in one of their traps.

"well well well, a couple of trespassers." A hooded figure teased, eyes lighting up in amusement.

"those are no ordinary trespassers! It seems we're in the company of royalty!" Replied a man with glasses who didn't seem that mean compared to the hooded figure.

"Vee did good job with those traps, I gotta hand it to him." Said the woman among them, sounding pleasantly surprised.

The twins were too weak from their previous fight to do much, and they could only stare angrily as they waited for one of the rebels to speak.

Finally, the woman gave an order.

"R, Em, escort our guests. I'll go tell boss the wonderful news."

Hours later, as Drake was pacing in his room and his parents were sitting in the throne room patiently waiting for news on the whereabouts of their sons, all knowing it isn't like them to disappear for this long without giving a proper warning.

Finally, a message came, from the leader of the forest dwellers.

"if you wish to see your sons, there are matters to discuss. I will come to the forest's entrance every night for the next three days. Send a representative, they must come alone. We shall see if we can come to an agreement that's favorable for both sides. Should you fail to accept this offer, we will have no choice but to keep the princes as our prisoners. Their transgressions can not go unpunished, but perhaps theit unfortunate mistake can bring about a new era, for all those who deserve a better life.

Sincerely, P. Sanders"

Drake couldn't sleep that night, knowing that his parents had no intention listening to the rebels' wishes. He couldn't help but worry what his life would be like without his brothers. He didn't like the idea of it, not one bit.

So that night, after tossing and turning in his bed for hours, he decided to do something he never thought he'd do in his life.

He snuck out of the castle to disobey his parents.

He went to the entrance of the forest to speak to the leader of the rebels. The man he saw before him, however, was not at all what he expected.

Patton Sanders has been fighting ever since he could remember himself. He was hardly the first rebel to find shelter in these woods, but with all the elders that had raised him having passed away, he became the new leader. It wasn't an easy job, but it was rewarding, and someone has to do it. He couldn't let all these poor people go without any help, not when he knew from personal experience how hard it was to survive in the kingdom for anyone who couldn't be born or marry into nobility, and who couldn't fit into whatever narrow path was set up for them.

So to see that the king and queen sent their youngest son to negotiate was... puzzling, to say the least. After all, you'd think at least one of them would want to show up to discuss a way to get their sons back.

But when he saw the prince's nervous body language, he suspected he knew what was really going on.

"greetings, Mr Sanders." the young prince gave a small bow.

~at least he cares enough to show up and be formal about it.~ Patton thinks and decides that he can allow himself to be a little nice.

"please, Mr Sanders was my father. You can just call me Patton, your highness."

"oh, alright. Well then I suppose you can address me as Drake, if you wish."

There was a moment of uneasy silence before Drake decided he'll cut to the point.

"so what is it that you want in exchange for my brothers' safe return?"

"simply put? Justice."

Drake raised an eyebrow, not in judgement or mockery but in confusion. "I'm afraid you're going to have to be a bit more specific."

"why is it, you think, that generations of outcasts and misfits have sought shelter in these woods? Have you considered why we'd need to seek shelter from our own kingdom?"

Drake had a few ideas, but by the look on his face they troubled him too much to express.

Patton sighed in sympathy and decided to say it himself, as he had many times before, to save the young prince (who actually was about Patton's age, although the leader looked older due to all that he's had to endure) the embarrassment.

"the kingdom is under attack from within itself. The rich and powerful are attacking the poor and helpless, by not extending to them the aid they need in order to just barely survive, let alone thrive as the nobles do. And your parents have been complacent, content to let the broken system that benefits them go on as it always had. All I want is equality. To be provided with what we need to survive and to be allowed to exist however we choose, be given the same freedom the nobles have that we had to escape from the kingdom into the forest to find. That is all the rebels have ever wanted, and it is all I ask."

Drake listens carefully, studying Patton's face for any deception or insincerity, and finds none. He sighs, tiredly, heavily.

"you know my parents didn't send me, don't you?"

"I figured as much, yes."

"so you understand this is gonna be hell on earth for me, trying to accomplish what you're asking of me, against their wishes, right?"

"indeed, but considering your choice of words, it sounds to me like you've already joined the cause."

"...unfortunately, yes." Drake couldn't help but agree. He knew it was dangerous, and would take expert planning, and would be downright impossible to achieve, but besides the fact that it was the only way to get his brothers back without starting an unnecessary war with the peaceful forest dwellers, it was also the right thing to do. And besides, Patton was very cute- convincing! Drake had meant convincing, he insisted to himself, unconvincingly. Yes the irony of that is not lost on him.

Meanwhile, At the rebels' campsite, the twin princes were surprised to find that aside from the occasional jab or tease, they were being treated rather respectfully. Sure their hands were tied to ensure they couldn't escape but they were treated more like guests rather than prisoners. In fact, they were treated like equals, which has never happened to them before. Their parents treated them like kids and, although they tried to be subtle about it, so did a lot of the older nobles, and everyone else treated them like royalty, which they were. But this was the first time they've ever had a normal conversation with people who saw them as equals.

Roman was a bit huffy at first, insisting he be treated with the respect worthy of a prince, only to be met with laughter and eye rolls. "there aren't any classes here, you're no better than anyone else. Better get used to it, Princey." said a figure standing completely in shadow, though his eyes almost glistened in the darkness, the fire reflecting off them. "let him whine, Vee. It's all he's got now." the woman he now knew as Valerie teased, and the only reason he let her get away with it is because she had bested him in combat earlier that day, when he made a daring escape attempt. Seeing as she proved herself a fierce warrior, she had his begrudging respect. But then he heard the shadowed figure chuckle in response, and the sound evoked many different emotions in him, so he decided to focus on annoyance and anger. "so, you're the Vee in charge of the cowardly contraption that ensnared my brother and I." Roman could see the eyes squint as they looked him up and down, and then a smug smirk spread across the shadow's face. "the very same. Pretty neat trick, isn't it?" "I don't know what you think is so impressive about a machine made by a man too weak and scared to best his enemies face to face." "it's efficient, and it takes a hell of a lot more wit and talent than waving a sword around like a reckless idiot." the shadow bit back, sounding very defensive. Roman would have been prouder to have gotten him riled up if it were for Valerie looking very mad at him for insulting who he now had to assume is a friend of hers. He really didn't wanna anger Valerie. "I wouldn't expect a ruffian like you to understand anything about the fine art of sword fighting." at that, the shadow growled. Well and fully growled, sending a shiver down Roman's spine, filling him with fear and... Well he was going to ignore that other feeling for now and hopefully it would go away. "okay, fuck this. Val, can you untie his hands?" Valerie's eyes went wide. "Vee, you don't have to-" "no, I want to. It's worth it to get this asshole to shut up and show some respect." Roman would have said something if he weren't intrigued by the conversation. "alright, but I don't like this." "no one's gonna get hurt. I promise." as Valerie untied his hands she glared at him. "what? How was I supposed to know he'd react this way? Also what the hell is going on?" "you'll see in a second, just don't see this as a chance to try escaping again or I'll personally knock you unconscious." "noted." as the bindings were fully removed from his hands and Valerie backed away, Vee stepped out of the shadows, allowing Roman to see him for the first time. This was already a very big problem for Roman, as he was not prepared for how hot the rebel was. To make matters worse, Roman wasn't done checking him out sizing him up, when Vee pulled a sword from where it was resting on his hip, and he held it directly at Roman's throat, just inches away from grazing his skin. And that really should not have made the blood rush to the direction it did for Roman, but his body just had the worst timing. Luckily, somehow, he still managed to focus on Vee's next words.

"you wanted to fight face to face? Fine. I, Virgil Fabre, challenge you to a duel."

And that is when Roman realized his big mistake. Well, too late to back out now.

"I accept your challenge."

Remus was ecstatic, though. He immediately started feeling more at ease and free to be himself. He didn't even mind being tied up all that much, and he made sure to get that point across with a bunch of inappropriate humor that made everyone uncomfortable. Well all except for the two men who brought them to the camp, and a third, much cuter nerd, resembling the rebel in glasses but seemingly more stoic, but even he was clearly smiling at one of Remus's crass jokes. Their eyes locked and the serious rebel blushed and turned back to resume his conversation with the men he now knew as Remy and Emile. Fuck. Finding a way to enjoy being kidnapped while waiting to be rescued or until he found a way to escape? That was one thing. But crushing on one of the rebels who was holding him prisoner? Remus would have to be a fool to act on these emotions. He glanced the other way to check on his brother and asked why he was sword fighting with one of the rebels. After being updated on what happened, he sighs heavily. Well you know what? If Roman was allowed to be stupid, and they were truly equals in this forest, then dang it Remus can do whatever Roman can do if he damn well pleases. With this new conviction, he boldly strutted over to the handsome nerd, only for Emile to give him a death glare that immediately makes him turn around.

But he's far from giving up. They all are.

Anyway thats it for this au, for now (;

Let me know what you think and as always -

Stay Tuned!

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thebiasrekkers · 4 years

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Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,567

Tag List: @prisczero, @pinkpjmin, @btsaudge, @flowerwrites06, @unoriginal-username15432

Chapter 32: Waste It On Me

“And I know there’s no making this right, And I know there’s no changing your mind...”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Cheongdam; Gangnam District South Korea

The bigger you are, the harder you fall.

Jimin was aware of this saying and held it close to his heart more often than most. It was his way of maintaining a sense of humility. He tried to impart humble actions to others, remaining as sincere as he could and as it was allowed. Praying and fighting. Fighting and praying. It was a daily routine for him for the last ten years.

But now it was over and while he wasn’t suffering from a lack of purpose, there were other things that troubled his mind. Seemingly insignificant to some and very important to others. Jimin worried below the surface, attempting to hold onto a sense of calm despite the chaos that always seemed to erupt around them. Rain or shine, snow or a hurricane; none of it mattered. Because they’d overcome worse in their lives and this new path they walked would be no different.

Seeing Eden in the hospital – hearing that the Jade Fangs were the ones responsible – ignited something new inside of Jimin. A feeling he wasn’t aware that he could feel. One that he never knew simmered deep within the dark recesses of his own heart.

It was anger.

The feeling shocked him at first; the realization even more. Jimin couldn’t think of a time outside of his elementary years where he got angry. Annoyed? Of course. Irritated? Absolutely. But never anger.

Not until he’d seen Eden’s arm in a sling.

His eyes narrowed as he paid the cab driver. The bigger you are, the harder you fall…

Stepping out of the cab, he closed the door behind him and approached the Cha Gangnam Medical Center. The sliding glass doors automatically pushed open, granting him entrance to the main lobby. He looked around, smiling politely to the receptionist as she waved at him. Brushing his bangs off his forehead, he looked around to see if Raelyn was around. Not long after he shuffled in, she came around a corridor and stopped short upon seeing him.

For a moment, neither of them could say anything. Jimin watched her press her clipboard to her chest, the two of them sighing in tandem with each other. Raelyn did her best to put on a smile that he probably assumed she thought was believable.

It wasn’t.

“Jimin-ah,” she called softly, her voice almost lost in the noise of the lobby, “what are you doing here?”

She crossed over to him and he smiled at her. “I was just coming by to check on you.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. “Are you about to go on break?”

Raelyn looked at her watch, then nodded. “Sure, I can go on break now. Follow me.”

The two of them walked side by side as they made their way down the hall. Several orderlies and nurses greeted Raelyn, as well as a few doctors who were wrapping up their shifts. They rounded two corners and she paused in front of a room, pushing the door open and peering inside. Her shoulders seemed to visibly relax before turning to look at him while fully pressing the door wide.

“It’s just us. Come in.” Jimin followed her and Raelyn stood in front of one of the vending machines. “Coffee?”

“Sure.”

Pressing the button for two hot canned coffees, the machine dispensed the items and Jimin thanked her for the drink. They took their seats at a small round table near the back of the break room where they could talk. However, instead of talking, they opened the coffees and said nothing. Jimin wasn’t sure what was weighing so heavily on Raelyn’s mind, but he had a pretty good idea. The difficult part was broaching the subject in a way that wouldn’t set her off or, worse, cause her to build a wall even higher around her feelings.

“Noona?” She lifted her face to look at him and he could see her eyes shaking, as if Raelyn already knew why he was there. “Can I ask you something?”

Raelyn tried to put on a brave face, her fingers wrapping around the can of coffee. “Sure, Jimin-ah. What is it?”

He took a breath, pressed his lips together in a thin line, before releasing a puff of air from his mouth. “…is your freedom still important to you?”

There was a slight tink of sound as her nails scraped along the aluminum.

She scoffed, trying to brush off his question. “Where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”

“Because your reason for ending things with Hoseok Hyung stemmed from the world we lived in; the cloak of shadows that we wore.” Jimin laced his fingers together as he rested his hands on the table. Raelyn’s façade faltered. “We’re not in the shadows anymore, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who will do whatever it takes to drag us back. We are working to continue our path of success and to do it the legal way.” His eyes narrowed slowly. “And you’ve been actively seeing Taehyung-ah, knowing that people are still trying to grab at our ankles.”

Raelyn frowned this time. “What are you getting at, Jimin-ah?”

“It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.”

His tone was flat and his expression matched. Raelyn’s eyes widened, her brows raising simultaneously. Her hands slid from the can to the table and Jimin lifted his coffee to his lips. He knew how intelligent Raelyn was and so it wouldn’t take her long to figure out where he was headed with this conversation.

“Do you remember what those days were like back then, Noona?” He didn’t tear his gaze from hers. “I know you do.”

“Park Jimin, you—”

“I hope you’re prepared, because now that we’re walking the legal path, there’s no stopping what the others are planning to do. You’ve already seen for yourself what they’re capable of. What lines they’re willing to cross. We can’t just beat them back with chains, whips and knives. Not like before. Not anymore.”

This was the path they were striving to walk on. It was the way they wanted to continue living their lives from now on. Jimin didn’t have to ask his older brothers what was making them feel so uneasy. The bridge they were crossing was rickety. There was no guarantee they’d be able to make it to the other side before burning it behind them – preventing anyone else from breathing down their necks. Ten years of hard work could potentially incinerate in the palm of their hands. Determined to walk the righteous path, to bathe in the sunlight, meant giving up the tools they used when shrouded in darkness.

Money could only do so much. But what it could not do was buy loyalty.

It finally seemed to click for Raelyn, the realization of what Jimin was attempting to get through to her apparent now on her face. But he also knew that if she valued her freedom as much as she claimed, then now was the time for her to make a choice. There would not be another opportunity for her to backtrack. This was the only way out that he could present to her.

“Noona,” he called, his voice gentle and a touch warmer than it had been earlier. She sensed it immediately. “If you’re serious about Taehyung, about any of us, then I won’t interfere, and I will respect your wishes. We prepared for a lot of things, but we didn’t prepare for anyone to try and stop us from leaving.” He sighed, turning his head slightly to avert his gaze. “What they did to Eden Noona? I’m sure it’s just the beginning. They’re trying to make a point.”

“W-What point?” Raelyn’s voice shook only slightly, but he could hear the hint of anger tacked on at the end. “What do they think they’re gonna accomplish by fucking around with our lives?”

Jimin had a few ideas, but he wasn’t willing to voice them. Not out loud. Not yet.

“They’re trying to tell us we can’t keep anything we care about safe.” He craned his neck to look back at her. “Not anymore.”

He watched Raelyn sink back into her chair, as if someone had taken all the wind out of her sails and left her stranded out at sea.

Jimin rose from his chair, taking the can of coffee with him. He slid one hand into his pocket, pivoting on his heel as he turned toward the door. He paused, casting a sidelong glance over his shoulder to look back at her. Raelyn was still staring at the table blankly, trying to process what he’d just said.

“If your freedom is still important to you, then you need to push us away. All of us. For your sake more than ours.”

She blinked rapidly, turning to look at him as though she was seeing him for the first time all day. No, for the first time since she’d known him. Jimin offered her a soft smile instead. One she would recognize and hopefully take comfort in.

“Take care, Raelyn Noona.”

He bowed his head toward her and turned to head out the door. He didn’t look back as he was worried about what his warning meant to her. Would she take it to heart, or would she remain steadfast at their sides?

Will she make the same choice that Eden Noona has?

Seoul – Hannam; Yongsan District South Korea

The drive back to the house was quiet. The taxi driver must have sensed that Jimin had a lot on his mind and left him to his thoughts in the backseat. As traffic melded on the streets, many lights blossomed and painted the windows and streets of Seoul bright colors. Jimin heard pedestrians milling around, some holding conversations that were loud enough for him to hear through the window. He tuned most of it out, however, his own concerns going off like air horns in his brain.

Soon, everything passed by in a blur of colorful lines.

When Jimin walked through the main entryway of the home he shared with his brothers, he felt more exhausted than normal. Like he’d been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He announced himself, kicking off his dress shoes and loosening his tie before sliding into his house slippers.

A set of feet shuffled in and he turned to see it was Yoongi, a glass of scotch in his hand. “Just you?” He took a moment to peer over Jimin’s shoulder, as if someone had followed him. “The others?”

Jimin pulled his phone out of his pocket and saw texts from both Jungkook and Taehyung; one saying they’d be home late and the other saying they’d be home tomorrow. “Seokjin Hyung is still at the office with Anastasia Noona. He sent me home early. Namjoon Hyung and Hoseok Hyung are at a business meeting at the hotel.” He peered at Yoongi curiously. “You’re home early.”

Yoongi hummed in response as he took a sip of scotch. “Investors from overseas flew in so I saw to their needs. The official business meeting will be tomorrow. Hoseok-ah wanted to give them a chance to rest before going over paperwork.” He turned to head into the kitchen and Jimin followed after him. “What about the other kids?”

Jimin sat at the kitchen island, watching as Yoongi began pouring him a drink. He waited until the glass was set on a coaster in front of him before speaking. “Taehyung-ah is going to be late.” Reaching for the glass, he ignored the tinkling sound it made when his rings knocked against it.

Yoongi sidled up next to him, raising his glass so they could tap them together in a silent ‘cheers’ fashion. “Jungkook?”

The glass hovered near Jimin’s lips, not sure if he wanted to give him the answer. But he also knew he had no real reason not to. “He said he’s coming back in the morning.”

He saw Yoongi’s expression darken and Jimin sighed, not wanting to get into this conversation at all. But when he remembered what Eden said to him that day at church, as well as Jungkook’s own concerns, he knew he couldn’t avoid it. Jimin was also curious about something and the only way he would get the answers was by asking the person who’d hurt Eden the most.

“Yoongi Hyung?”

Yoongi shook his head, setting the glass down on the coaster and he tried to throw a casual smirk to Jimin. He wasn’t fooling anyone. Him least of all.

“Hm, what is it, Jimin-ah?”

“I know why you did that to Eden Noona.” Jimin stared into his glass, refusing to meet Yoongi’s gaze. “I get it more than you probably think I do.” A sad smirk passed over his features. “You were trying to keep her safe in your own way. I’m sure she’ll understand that someday, if she doesn’t already.”

Yoongi laughed but the tone was off; bitter and cold. “It doesn’t matter. She has Jungkook looking after her now.”

“Noona can take care of herself, you should know that.” Jimin continued staring into the glass, the pads of his fingers pressing into its cold surface. “You regret it, don’t you Hyung?” He turned his head to see Yoongi glaring down at the marble counter top. “You regret not trusting her.”

Yoongi blinked, his head moving slowly to look back at Jimin with confusion in his eyes. “What?”

“You didn’t let her into our world because you were afraid she’d get fed up with it. Not hurt by it.” Jimin paused, watching Yoongi’s eyes narrow. “Eden Noona is strong, you’ve seen that for yourself, Hyung. Her environmental safety wasn’t what you were worried about.”

“Ya, Park Jimin,” said Yoongi quietly, the warning clear.

Jimin had no plans to heed it.

“What you were actually scared of was Noona seeing the real you, weren’t you?” Jimin frowned. “You couldn’t trust her to stay with you when she found out. But now you see that isn’t the case, because she’s with our younger brother now, in spite of everything.”

Yoongi’s fist slammed into the marble, causing their glasses to rattle. The sudden action didn’t even make Jimin flinch. Instead, he placed a hand on Yoongi’s shoulder. The two of them said nothing and it wasn’t until Jimin gave it a reassuring squeeze did he let out a sigh.

“You’re scared she’s going to get hurt for real this time. And it won’t be by any of us.”

He watched Yoongi drain his glass and set it back on the table. “This is just the beginning. Those bastards have barely started scratching the surface.” Yoongi placed a hand on his forehead, turning to look at Jimin and his eyes looked more tired than they had just a few minutes ago. “…but you’re right, Jimin-ah. I’m scared. I’m scared of what they’re planning to do next.”

Jimin nodded, his hand sliding off Yoongi’s shoulder to return to the counter top. The two of them held their glasses; one empty and the other untouched.

“Me too, Hyung.” There was a heaviness in Jimin’s voice that he hadn’t meant to let slip. But it was too late to take it back and there wasn’t really a point to it. “…I’m scared too.”

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goron-king-darunia · 4 years

Note

Annon-Guy: In response to the Successors of Hope, Chapter 9 question; 1. I know why Emil (being abused) and Richter (being a Half-Elf) didn't value themselves too much at the start, but how come Marta doesn't see much value in her own life (like giving up her life for Luin, her freedom for Altimira and even expecting Emil would be relieved she died at the Ice Temple.)? 2. Do Emil, Marta and Richter start to like themselves and begin to give their own lives more value during the True Ending?

I’m not sure. It’s possible sexism is a thing that exists in the land of Aselia and that’s why Marta has a low opinion of herself or sees herself as a disposable pretty object whose only purpose is to be cute and fall in love. But I’m not sure if that’s right. We’re not given any canon information about why she feels or acts the way she does when it comes to her willingness to throw herself in harm’s way, whether it’s helpful or not. It could be cultural. Japan, unlike the USA has more emphasis on the community whereas the USA has more emphasis on the individual. In Japan, people have implicit trust that the community will care for each other. Because of this, it’s not uncommon to see young kids basically walking or taking public transit virtually wherever they want to run errands or meet up with friends all by themselves. In Japan, seeing a kid alone is basically just a thing that happens. (This is probably why Emil and Marta can stay at inns and move around as much as they do with no one questioning it. They’re nearly young adults and unlike in the USA where the immediate thoughts are “vandals/hooligans” and “runaways” in Japan, young people walking around alone is like... normal.) So it’s possible that this same community-mindedness is why Marta feels compelled to put herself in danger. “If I don’t give myself up like Emil said, then all of Luin will be destroyed. It’s better for the community if I turn myself in.” That, however, doesn’t feel quite right, either. Her dad dotes on her a lot, before what happens with the Vanguard so it’s possible that some of this is because she feels rejected by her dad and not fully embraced by Emil or other boys. Because of this, she may be fitting herself into a role she thinks the men in her life WANT her to fit into, and has little self-esteem because she bases her identity around the men she cares about. The only significant female in her life other than Alice who bullies her, was her mother. It’s possible Marta doesn’t know how to relate well to other girls before she starts off on her adventure as she doesn’t seem to have many friends of her own. This is all purely speculation, though. Again, the game canon and the out-of-game materials don't give us much insight and I don’t know if Tales of the Rays addresses any of this. It could be all of this, it could be none of this, it could be some of this. My personal theory is that Marta was very attached to her mother. Marta’s entire idea of womanhood is based on her mother. Marta grew up with a devoted and caring mother that was dedicated to making her happy and making Brute happy. When she died, Marta not only lost a person she cared about deeply, but she lost that “life template.” And because of her grief, she distanced herself from whatever friends she had at the time and was averse to making new ones possibly explaining why she didn’t recognize that our Emil isn’t the “real Emil” since she probably didn’t know the “real Emil.” Then, before she could really start putting her life back together, the worlds merge into one and suddenly the cultures of Tethe’alla and Sylvarant are clashing, so she has prejudice to worry about now. Then, when things finally start getting back to normal, helping her dad run the Vanguard when it was a charity, some redheaded dude swoops in and suddenly her dad is acting really weird. She still has no friends and most of her life between her mom’s death and now was spent either grieving or helping her dad. And now she’s losing her dad to his power-hungry madness. So she simultaneously has no friends or estranged friends, a dad that’s gone nuts, a charity she helped run turning into a militant group of bigots and to top it all off, she’s having the classic teenager identity crisis because she’s had basically no time to explore her own desires or interests. She doesn’t really know herself, she has no support group, she’s involved in things bigger than herself and feels trapped, her mom is gone and she feels lost in life. She can’t go to her mom. Her dad tries to keep her safe in her room and never lets her help and won’t listen to her attempts at persuasion. She doesn’t know how to relate to her old friends and she can’t make new ones because her dad is running the Vanguard and a lot of people hate the Vanguard (see: literally all of Luin except for Emil.) She has no one she can offer help to and she has no one to offer her the help she needs. So she simultaneously sees herself as unable to help others (useless) and unworthy of the help she needs (worthless.) This is what I think contributes to that self-sacrificing demeanor and why she gets so upset if you take her out of the main fighting party and have only monsters and Emil fighting. In terms of who’s got more self-esteem by the end of the game, it’s kind of a wash. Richter doesn’t let anybody treat him badly, but he obviously doesn’t love himself because even without the prospect of getting Aster back, he’s fully on board to just stay behind in the Ginnungagap and burn for eternity to make up for his mistakes. He pinned a lot of his self-esteem on what Aster thought of him and you can see that a lot in the Onshuu no Richter manga. Emil has improved a lot over the course of the game, but, like Richter, he’s also resigned to staying behind to fix mistakes he didn’t really make because he knows Ratatosk needs him and he feels responsible for what happened to Aster and thus what happened to the world since that confrontation with Richter. Marta has also shown improvement, but like Richter, she pins a lot of what she thinks is right and a lot of her self-worth on whether Emil approves of her or not. Ratatosk is a weird case but he’s also basically around the same level. He ACTS like he thinks he’s hot shit, but he clearly understands that everyone likes the side of him (Emil) that he considers weak. Accepting Emil as part of himself at the end of the game is one of his biggest moments of growth. If we consider Emil and Ratatosk separate entities, this constitutes growth in recognizing that Emil is that kindness that Ratatosk has inside him and continues to have inside him, despite trying to quash it so he wouldn’t be hurt again. Accepting Emil represents him accepting both his weaknesses and his kindness as part of himself. Ratatosk is learning to love not just PART of himself but ALL of himself. I think Richter maybe has a little more work to do, but a lot of that is going to be him recognizing that self-esteem and self-respect aren’t quite the same. Richter definitely respects himself. Aster taught him enough in that department for it to stick. But he definitely doesn't love himself or see value in himself independently of what Aster would think of him or what he can do to make up for the mistakes he knows he made. He sees his soul utility at the end of the game as being part of the temporary seal on the door and is surprised when Ratatosk says at the end of it all, Richter would be free to leave. Having someone consider his life being worth saving and his freedom being valuable is clearly still new for Richter. Emil, Marta, and Ratatosk are all headed in the right direction, but I think Emil and Marta would have a quicker growth into loving themselves for who they are if they had that journey of growth separately, but I can’t say that being loved by others isn't also very helpful to learn how to love yourself. What I think would be most healthy for Emil and Marta (and Richter and Ratatosk, but that’s kind of hard considering Ratatosk puts Emil out front for social things and Richter is stuck underground) would be for them all to be part of a broader social group. Honest to god? If I were their collective therapist? I would diagnose a boardgame night or book club for these guys. Set them all up with a hobby they can do with each other once a week or once a month or something. Let them figure out what their interests are. Let them make friends they aren’t interested in dating. Let that love they get out of friendship be that first little stepping stone. “Ah yes. These people keep inviting me to things. I feel like I’m a garbage person/terrible human/worthless waste of space who’s only value is I helped the world a little bit/I made up for my mistakes/I make someone happy because I am romantically accessible. Now I see that beyond that I am actually a likeable person. People wouldn’t keep inviting me to meetings if they hated me, right?” Once they get to that level of self-love and self-esteem? The rest is fake it until you make it. Emil’s confidence issues? He just has to act confident until he believes in himself. Marta’s feeling like she can’t help or contribute? She just needs to keep helping out in small ways until she recognizes her own impact on the world. Richter’s self-flagellation over basically destroying the world? He just has to pretend to be a good person for a bit, pretend he’s worthy of other people’s genuine affection. Eventually, he’ll start seeing the good he can do for the world and that his existence isn’t just a worthless farce standing as a testament to the loss of a “more valuable life.” For real. Get these poor kids some productive hobbies and a friend-group that isn’t trying to get in their pants and you have a pretty good recipe for getting them to actually see value in themselves. Value that’s more than just “what they can do for others.” Therapy would also work but... I have not seen a therapist in all of Aselia so... clearly they need to discover that profession. XD I’m gonna @aerypear on this one to see if I need to put on the “Bad Therapist” T-shirt again. Sometimes my psychoanalysis is pretty good and sometimes I am a garbage monster. XD

#DotNW #Letters from Annon Guy #speculation #Anonymous #ask GKD

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ghostmartyr · 5 years

Text

SnK 122 Thoughts

In the world of the living, injustices go unanswered. Villains are allowed to prosper. Crimes that go against everything humanity should stand for become so standard that people tire of feeding the outrage that should come naturally. Yes, the world is wrong. Oh well. There’s nothing to be done. This is the way it is.

There are monsters outside. Don’t ever go there. There are monsters outside. Don’t ask how they came to be. There are monsters outside. Don’t expect sympathy if you die trying to vanquish them.

This is how it is. Don’t fight it.

Die, and let your continuing legacy be death.

Do not question it.

Be a good girl.

In a world like that, destruction becomes salvation. A world like that does not deserve to survive.

How magnificent it would be if that meant it didn’t. How magnificent it would be if every trace of it were trampled to death, never to rise again.

Surely that would be right.

In the arena of mental health, a popular distortion--that I’m sure the internet has more than a passing familiarity with--is referred to as black and white thinking. Something must either be good or bad. There is no room for nuance. Pick a side, and set the other one on fire.

What I’ve found in my personal experience is that the more heightened your emotional stress, either from the topic at hand or just in general, the easier it is to fall into that type of thinking. The opposing viewpoint is such an active affront that paying it any consideration feels like physical pain. Annihilating it makes more sense than trying to reason with it.

Eren has always provided a good window into that emotional state. He isn’t without nuance, and he can learn from others, but he feels things very deeply. He feels things very deeply in a world that has initially forgotten what that even looks like. Eren is a suicidal bastard for wanting his world to be something better than it is. It takes years and several superpowers for his people to see him as more than that.

With the stark, horrifying glimpse at the OG Ymir’s life, it is difficult to mind that the world is exploding.

The fact that someone is finally willing to hug this girl and let her have her own feelings is more important than anything else.

Two thousand years, and the closest anyone ever came to thinking this cycle should stop was to lock all of her descendants in a cage and take away all their choices, just as with the very first round.

As abominable as what Eren has done is, and as outlandish as the logic that’s taken him through all of this is, Eren has always been relatable because he’s human.

He isn’t like Jean, who longs for the average but has his eyes opened and chooses to be something more. Eren is humanity’s extremes.

Within the confines of the world he lives in, the fact that the walls just when kaboom is not good. It is, by many standards, very, very bad, and this is a problem that goes beyond the current problems, which Eren caused, which are similarly very, very bad.

Most of what Eren has done is incredibly bad. In ways that can’t be understated.

Yet the desire to see this world destroyed is perfectly understandable. As a member of the audience, watching Ymir’s life and seeing every speck of her freedom and agency violated time after time, only for no one and nothing in the world fight back for her sake--

It almost feels triumphant, giving her choice enough to become yet another monster of destruction in her ever-persisting line.

Thousands giant monsters erupting from their cages and spelling doom for anyone who crosses them feels like a fair response to Ymir’s suffering, and it is incredibly tempting to let this world burn. A world that does this to a little girl deserves as much agency as it’s given her.

Eren hugging her and letting destruction fall does not feel like the disaster it is, in light of everything she has been through.

Emotionally.

On every other level, including several different emotional ones... this... continues to be bad.

It is satisfying to watch Eren have the correct response to flagrant injustice. Even in his most futile moments, his righteous fury and certainty that something is wrong is a breath of fresh air. It’s humane in a world that has forgotten its humanity. That is the person who remembers to hug a little girl instead of making demands of her.

What causes problems is only everything else.

Of which there is a lot.

Eren still breaks his friends’ hearts, he still lets his cult run rampant, he still lets the higher ups in the military be drugged, he still betrays every confidence every person has ever had in him.

On a personal scale: bad.

On a worldly scale: somehow worse.

Paradis is universally hated and feared. Marley, a nation who has caused destruction as freely as the very first king who chooses to enslave Ymir and her children, is painted sympathetically in the light of Eren’s actions.

What has happened to Eldians has been undeserved from the start, and Eren’s actions answer for the injustice of one while piling injustices upon her children.

Ymir should have her freedom. Eren appears to have won it for her through abandoning the entire rest of the world.

Somewhat as a byproduct of wanting to destroy the world that does all of these horrible things. I’m not sure he knew Ymir existed before his Inception journey with Zeke.

Eren is still the person who can fight for people who deserve better, but his request remains the same.

“Ymir, our founder. Lend me your strength.” --120

“I’ll put an end to this world. Lend me your strength.”

Unlike Zeke, he hasn’t made demands. Even before he understands the full story, he asks. He wants this to be a partnership. But for all his drive to reach the Coordinate, I don’t think he expected the little girl he found.

Eren has followed a script he doesn’t fully understand, to make his desire to change the world come to fruition. Saving Ymir is what happens because of who Eren is, but it only happens because he needs her power to do whatever he’s planning.

He does not come here intending to save her.

Normally I wouldn’t put so much emphasis on that, but I think with all of Eren’s recent choices, it deserves to be belabored a tad. The kindness he shows Ymir is heartbreaking and uplifting, but it’s coming from a man who has willingly committed the same atrocities Ymir performed as a slave.

He saves her thanks to their kindred spirit. In desperation, to stop his brother.

Eren is still Eren. He still knows how to be kind, and gentle with people. He still knows right from wrong.

He has done horrible things, and there has yet to be a justification for his methods.

The explanation for wanting this world destroyed is everywhere. Look at Marley. Look at what Paradis was. Look at Eren’s cult. Look at what the Eldian Empire was. Look at Ymir’s entire life. Look at all the damage that has come from one girl’s enslavement.

Burning all of it to the ground is understandable. With Ymir running the show, it’s even deeply sympathetic. Eren is the only person to give a damn about her in 2000 years, and after what the world has done to her, I don’t think any reaction from her could be called unfair.

The choices Eren has made are still appalling.

All of his allies want to be free. They’ve fought by his side. Without his powers. Trying for better. Working for better.

Eren dismisses all of their efforts to walk alone.

Without even knowing the full story. He’s still learning about his abilities, after such an extended period of planning in secret. None of his work in isolation has done as much for his efforts as luck.

So that’s Eren.

A disaster, but ever a human one.

Then enter... I don’t know how to put it. The core of the story?

There isn’t going to be much about this chapter I can say I like. There’s too much damage to use language like that.

What I appreciate, is that throughout all of the chaos of Eren being a jackass question mark, the story still stays true to itself, and the very basic concepts it had in the beginning.

From the moment humans are born, they’re free.

No one has the right to take that away.

Ymir’s freedom is bastardized again and again. Her one touch of power brings her into a world worse than ever before, and condemns her to a life that is never her own. Her most active choice is giving her power to a boy who asks instead of considering it his privilege.

Her enslavement is wrong. Her isolation is wrong. Her death removing her final semblance of choice is an abomination.

From the very beginning, Ymir and her children are turned against the world as weapons, with varying degrees of choice. It can be guessed that several hundred years later, her descendants are making their own bad choices, such as in the case of King Fritz.

It still starts from a slave not being allowed freedom.

Marley uses the exact same methods as the Eldian ruler.

They have their Warriors.

It is an honor to be a Warrior.

A mark of respect. A recognition of their worth. To be better than the scum they come from.

It is a reward for Ymir to bear the Eldian ruler’s children.

A reward for her to bring life into the world that will watch her die before them and be commanded to eat her corpse before it cools.

Ymir’s curse isn’t dying from her power.

It’s her enforced powerlessness eating her alive, the same way Eldians have fed on each other for centuries. Forced into a life of slavery, she is still there after two-thousand years, watching her children eat each other. Knowing that it all began in her.

She started this story.

What a nightmare it is that it never changes.

One way or another, she and her children can never be free.

In the many discussions about the ending of this series, and the rumbling, I’ve often wondered what happens to the Colossals inside the walls. Because oddly, for a series that is so good about contemplating moral quagmires, it hasn’t come up that the final refuge of Paradis is to command their enslaved kin to protect them.

As the freckled Ymir describes it, being a titan is a living nightmare. The titans in the walls have been asleep, but presumably in that nightmare for over a hundred years.

There’s been no talk of their humanity. No talk of their freedom. No talk of putting them to rest.

They are weapons, as Ymir’s children always will be.

Ideally, in a happy world, Eren activating them means that maybe they’ll be free, just like everyone else.

In a happy world, Eren would not have taken the steps he has to get here.

But it is a confusing bit of thematic inconsistency if he truly does plan on using the rumbling. He’s finally using the powers in a way that will put an end to... something, clearly in a way that he views as different from Zeke’s plan, but for the moment, we’ve got miles and miles of Colossals, mindless and awake.

Several somethings are going to die, whatever the intentions here.

It’s hard to picture how this results in a free world for Ymir and her progeny, yet after this chapter, I think it’s fair to say that’s what’s being attempted. Eren is destroying the world of the Eldian ruler, which has kept all of them cursed. That’s not a bad thing.

Freeing Ymir is not a bad thing. Freeing the walls is not a bad thing. Objecting to Zeke’s plan is not a bad thing.

Every single bad thing leading up to these circumstances does not inspire confidence. Nothing about Eren suggests someone with the stability to use this power in a way that won’t start a new age of tyranny.

It’s just throwing more slaves at the problem.

Which, in a rare bout of consistency for post-time skip Eren, is not something he agrees with. So this promises to be fun.

Last, but not least...

Hell, no one wants me to rant about Historia. Again. I don’t want to write it all out. Again. It’s a tired topic full of pitfalls and unpleasantness, and I would so prefer to not bring it up, but every single part of this plot makes her absence so conspicuous it threatens to cause physical pain.

“You’re no slave. You’re no god. You’re just a person.” --Eren, 122

“Exterminate the Titans?! What a pain in the ass! Who’d volunteer to do that?! In fact, I think humanity’s the problem!! We should just let the Titans destroy mankind!

[...]

I can’t be a good girl… and I don’t want to be a god.” --Historia, 66

This chapter begins with Historia. It begins with the origins of Krista Lenz, modeled after Ymir. A performance that ultimately breaks down when Historia decides to live for herself and make her own choices, through the strength of a different Ymir.

Eren is there for that fracture. He’s the one crying and bloody from bowing to the fate of the world in that saga. Historia saves him despite his best efforts, and Eren’s exchange with Ymir echoes her too well for him to have forgotten.

So we begin this chapter with Historia.

Whose current plotline, as told by the story, is getting pregnant for the good of her people. Or generally for the good of someone not her.

Historia creates Krista Lenz to be like Ymir.

Krista Lenz does not survive. She is an obstacle to Historia’s freedom, and Historia reclaims that instead of her childhood aspirations that are only a shadow of what she truly wants.

Then, now, we have the elephant in the room.

I once made the argument that Historia’s role in this arc would be better served by a nameless monarch we knew nothing about.

Ymir has a name, but I feel that she proves my point fairly well.

Her tragedy is sympathetic and abhorrent, and clearly details the evils of the world without violating anything fundamental about her character. This is simply her life, with misfortune and cruelty guiding it more than her own choices.

If you line up their character development, Eren’s outburst this chapter is in keeping with Historia’s outburst sixty chapters ago.

Historia’s current, stated plot significance, is equivalent to if Ymir, several years into the future and randomly not in Paths Hell, obediently, miserably, provided a new heir for the sake of the Eldians.

All without ever having her own voice.

Ymir’s given panels and panels of the horror she is personally experiencing; Historia’s story is told by everyone except for her.

The fact that their fates line up so well would only be poetic if Historia hadn’t already had her character development reclaiming herself as a person. This is new for Ymir. It is not new for Historia, and considering that the plot is very firmly supporting free will and choice and personal agency, including her in that as-is really only repeats a storyline she’s already lived through once, and if that’s put her in her current position, there is no reason to trust the story when it does it again.

Historia’s role continues to be incongruent with the rest of her writing, and direct quotes spoken by herself within her own character arc continue to be the simplest way of pointing that out.

Meanwhile, the veneer of pretending that there’s no social commentary involved in that subplot basically implodes in the first page of this chapter.

Ymir is explicitly described as “girlish,” and her demanded role in the story, as well as the role of her female children, is to breed.

That is unquestionably framed as horrifying.

Yay.

The themes of the story don’t mean much if they aren’t answered in turn by the narrative beats honoring them. Historia’s part in this, as presented, is an aberration that actively harms the story being told.

Yes, still.

Which is comforting only in that it means the story can’t finish without addressing that. Everyone scream and shout for joy.

I feel like I’m even more okay than usual with November taking its time getting here.

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 122 #Eren Yeager #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #spoilers #tl;dr #chapter post

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ivyjlopez · 4 years

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Q&A Part 2

Question #6

Why can’t we just compare ourselves to others?

Comparison is a tricky thing for me. You have to assess it in such a way that you won’t let yourself chase someone else’s timeline. Comparing yourself or your journey to someone will manifest both good and bad outcomes. If you are comparing yourself to someone because you consider that person’s journey as something inspiring and motivating then that’s a good thing. However, if you are comparing your life to a different person and start feeling and realizing like, “Oh, I’m already old enough to do this, I wouldn’t be able to do this because I’m incapable, I hope I was able to buy my own house and car same as this person’s age, I think I’ll be happier if I also have a special someone whom I can held hands while driving and going to places like my friends, so and so forth…” For me, the best person whom you can compare yourself with is no other than but - your old self.

Aren’t you grateful enough that you were no longer the person that you are as before? (Unless, you’ve become worse than before? Because if that’s the case you really have to make a heart check, dear.) Your timeline and your friends timeline aren’t the same. Let me remind you something in Proverbs 16:3 (“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans)

Question #7

Does a dream really give enough courage to an individual for satisfaction and contentment sake?

I personally think that having a dream is indeed a good sign that someone knows what he/she wants to pursue in life and it is kinda uplifting when you are able to achieve it. I also agree that it gives a person satisfaction because in the first place you actually worked hard to earn what you have at the moment. That being said, you are not just living the dream you’ve been wanting all this time but is now able to provide and become a blessing to others too. Talking about contentment, this should be something that must never depart despite having and gaining more than what you expect and pray for. If you are currently in the stage of your life wherein you are already living your dream, do not allow yourself to be fully entitled to something that you were able to achieve to the point that you even hardly notice you were already bragging about it. Remember it is the Lord who helps us create wealth (Deuteronomy 8:18) Prior to achieving something, Someone already believes that you are a one tough individual. Satisfaction and contentment is somehow correlated. You can never experience satisfaction prior to being content. Your value or worth as an individual shouldn’t be based on what you were able to attain. Train yourself to be content with the things that you have right now. Do not depend your satisfaction on achievements, wealth or any material things that can just vanish in a snap. You are already courageous and declared worthy, remember that.

Question #8

How would you know when the time is right (in all aspects)?

Funny because prior to receiving this question from a friend, I was reading Ecclesiastes the other day and I can now correlate the answer to this one. Sure thing, I’m not a fortune teller nor can someone predict the future. The only thing I am aware of and I can turn to in times of uncertainty is none other than but the Scripture. It says in (Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There’s a time for everything…”) no one can really tell when is the right timing, so imagine if someone finished a Bachelor’s degree at the age of sixty can you consider that as a bad timing just because a person’s age is no longer bracketed along with those who are in their twenties and thirties? If someone conceived at the age of forty, do you consider that as a bad or right timing just because it became a mindset to everybody that someone should bore a child at a certain age? Whenever I make decisions, I would ask and assess myself, “Does my heart and mind contradict with each other? Are they battling? Or are they on the same page?” Moreover, the word of the Lord has the final say. Keep seeking, studying and meditating day and night. Did you just almost forgot that God is the one in control? Talk to the One who holds and controls time. Be alert and prepared.

Question #9

Do you give meaning to your own life or to others?

Absolutely, yes.

I just celebrated my 26th birthday last October 17 and I’ve got no other words for this year but gratitude. I’ve learned to be grateful for the things that I have though sometimes it makes me want to surrender what I’ve prayed for. Every time I feel exhausted and helpless a certain situation would make me feel like, “Ivy, you’re too ungrateful” this person can’t even eat twice or thrice a day, the job that I have might be a dream job to someone else yet here I am complaining. It is indeed true that everyday at work is not a good day but instead of focusing on the negative why not do a lil’ bit of turning back, back when you’re still jobless. I give meaning to my own life by means of making it worth living, sometimes I think it’s a lil’ bit too late but the thing is I am able to get back on track. How do I make it worth living? Disconnect. Do not allow yourself to be available 24/7. Make boundaries. Meditate. Date yourself. Date your friends. Go to that place you’ve always wanted to go to. Buy that book you’ve been eyeing during those times that you can’t afford it. Treat your family. Serve and be part of the ministry. Revive the hobby that you want to turn as a source of income. Be kind to yourself. There’s a lot. Ask yourself what you can do more.

Do I give meaning to others’ life?

Of course, I do. I respect every individual's differences. I do not force someone to believe or like the things that I like. If they need my advice or suggestion, I’ll give mine but I won’t insist. I gave people their freedom because it’s everybody’s right. I am open and considering other people’s opinions but I don’t let their thoughts be in control of my life. I’m helping people and organizations in secret because that’s how it is supposed to be (Matthew 6:1-4)

You don’t have to do something extraordinary to show that you give meaning to someone else’s existence. A simple sympathy or empathy sometimes will do. It’s the little things that oftentimes people neglect.

Question #10

What truly makes you happy?

“As long as the people I love and care for are happy, that makes me happy” — Sounds cliché right? Knowing that the people whom I valued are in good health, seeing them celebrating their own victories makes me feel glad too.

It makes me happy whenever I can put a smile to someone else’s face. It makes me happy that I am able to help someone, a group of people, organization or community even in a tiny way that I could. It makes me happy that I can be a blessing to others through God-given resources and capability.

For myself? There’s this one thing that I always wanted to achieve though and that’s - Inner peace. I don’t know if it’s part of adulting stage but one thing I know at the end of every day, I wanted to be at peace. At peace with everybody and that includes my very own self.

I am not getting any younger and I wanted every second to be lived by all worthy.

I am glad that I am able to do things right this time and will no longer waste my season.

So...What truly makes me happy is knowing that I was able to fulfill my real purpose as I continue to exist. We all know what it is but we forgot sometimes…To be more Christlike everyday. (Ephesians 5:1-2 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.)

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