#like i legitimately dont like most of them they legitimately make me uncomfortable

[bluehourbucky]

cookies

pairing: steven grant x reader

summary: steven helped you move into your new apartment you want to thank him with some homemade cookies

a/n: I got such a soft spot for steven he's the sweetest most cutest person ever

[dont know why everything is lower case sorry abt that i was already too far in to change it when i noticed]

| main | bucky | moonkinght |

________________________________________

you've been wanting to do something for your neighbour since you moved in since he had helped you carry your furniture into your apartment.

not only did he help with moving in he also went out of his way and asked if you need help with rearranging furniture or building something, you declined politely. it didn't help that steven on top being kind is also incredibly handsome and you had immediately developed a crush on him.

however you hadn't managed to say thank you yet.

you didn't know how to say thank you but you thought a batch of cookies wouldn't be a bad idea.

and a good idea it was, in case you had sugar which you didn't.

so you shamefully walk across the hall and ring stevens door, he's the only neighbour you actually met enough times to ask for stuff.

"hello!" you say when steven opens the door, he looks even more handsome since the last time you saw him. to be fair you've never seen him in his at home clothes and it's absolutely a breathtaking sight.

"'ello?. you alright?" it takes everything in you not to literally run back to your apartment.

"yeah yeah. great. so uh you have any sugar I promise to give it back?"

"sure, come on in, don't stand in the hallway, just gotta find it." steven curses himself for inviting you in as his house is a mess and he legitimately has shackles attached to his bed.

you awkwardly walk inside and only take two steps then you stop not wanting to overstep.

"oh you have a fish." its the first thing that comes to mind to fill in the silence.

"yeah that's gus. gus say hello to our guest." steven says and your heart does a little flip.

"oh so rude of me hello stevens roommate." steven let's out a laugh which makes you blush.

"here,love." steven gives you sugar and you blush even more, you assume the nickname was accidental but doesn't mean your heart knows the difference.

"thank you. bye." you quickly leave and almost stumble.

steven curses himself, he didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, the word just slipped without him thinking. he's had a crush on you since he saw you the day you moved in and now you probably think he's creepy.

after getting into your flat, you immediately start making the cookies. you really hope steven likes them you put a lot of effort into them.

you stand a few minutes in front of his door like a weirdo until you get the courage to knock again.

"hi! It's me again. here some cookies for you. I just wanted to thank you for helping me move in and for being so kind to me. okay bye." you push the cookies into steven's and try to leave but steven grabs your hand.

"wait. what if we ate them together? that's of course if you want to. and you really didn't have to I helped because I wanted to." steven still holds your hand and waits for your reply.

it's not like you're going to miss this opportunity and not with the way he's looking at you.

"sure."

you take the time to look around and really take in the sight of his apartment, the books, the aquarium - it's just so steven.

"please, feel comfortable. thank you so much for making this for me. i'm sure it took bit of your time."

"i wanted to, I hope you like them." you expectantly look at at steven while he takes his first bite.

"so?"

"best cookies I ever had." steven says and you blush.

" im sure that's not true." you shyly say.

"sure are."

at some point you and steven sit on the couch and talk, he tells you about his work at the museum some fun things you can see there and offered to give you a tour when he's not working.

somehow the time flies and suddenly it's 2am and when you see the time you jump from the couch.

"oh im so sorry for keeping you up so late! i should go."

"I didn't notice how much time passed I'm sorry for keeping you. I been rambling a lot." steven scraches the back of his neck awkwardly, and he really hadn't noticed the time he was really just enjoying his time with you.

"i guess I'll hold you to your promise for the special tour of the museum?" you smile at steven.

"of course."

the last thing steven remembers is you going to the door and now he's suddenly kissing you?

as you were about to leave steven pulls you in for a kiss, at first you're shocked, but it takes you just few seconds to return it. it starts off rough but suddenly it melts and softens as if you're kissing another person.

at first stevens hands are on your hips but as the kiss softened they are suddenly on you cheeks.

when you finally pull away you feel like you're as red as a tomato.

"sorry." steven mutters out an apology.

"its okay. that was nice." you can see that his shoulders relaxed at your words.

"uh the tour could we turn that into a date?"

"i'd love that. good night steven."

you kiss him quickly again and leave.

"good night" steven whispers to himself.

____________________________________

"you helped the worm. it is amusing." khonshu laughs.

"it was impossible to watch that. besides he just needed a little push it was going well." marc replies and puts on the suit going off into the night.

_____________________________________

[the end]

likes comments and reblogs are appreciated <3

[biggiedraws]

thinking about post-implantation wash again.....

cause like. the rvb writers dropped a lot of balls, but this is the one i find personally the most upsetting. like. a soldier getting irreparably fucked up by an experiment gone wrong is the kind of premise i read fanfiction about (that probably says something about me but im not gonna examine it. moving on). especially since he STAYED with freelancer???? you could take this in so many different directions- his fellow freelancers are worried about him but he pushes through anyway. his fellow freelancers ARENT worried about him and push him harder than he can handle. the director pulls the ai fragments and theres hostility from more than just the one-dimensional "raging bitch" character. the director DOESNT pull the ai fragments, which seriously calls into question the ethics of the whole operation (which i believe is more in line with the pfl that was described in earlier seasons, but thats a story for another time) AND puts potential pressure on wash to get another implantation (oh my GOD. show me THAT version of pfl).

and of couse. how could i possibly forget epsilon. there is something so uniquely tasty about 2 characters who went through something traumatic together and then didnt see each other again until ages later- ESPECIALLY when one of them was the cause, even though they werent directly at fault, and the other was just unlucky enough to be involved. like holy shit????? the TENSION that would cause???? the discomfort being around each other? the guilt? having nowhere to place the blame except the director?? oh my GOD literally any interaction between them couldve had so much FLAVOUR. im not saying they need to be the main focus of the story or anything but we didnt get a single interaction!! not even a crumb!! like. do something with the fact that wash needed to have alpha in his head in season 6 despite refusing to ever have another ai after epsilon. do something with wash needing to SEE and HEAR and TALK TO epsilon again. do something with epsilon remembering fucking exploding in washs head!!!! im not asking for a lot here- asking for a lot would be suggesting a scenario like the one from season 6, except wash needs EPSILON in his head for some reason and gets legitimately triggered by it or cant bring himself to do it. thats the kind of shit i want to see, but i understand that that isnt carolina-centric enough so ill get it from fanfiction as god intended. but cant i ask for at least some awkwardness? maybe an uncomfortable confrontation? irrational hostility? SOMETHING. it doesnt have to be the focus but it should be THERE.

and like. youd think that this is an issue with retconning. and it kind of is, but its more about missed opportunities. like. i dont mind the retcon that freelancer was always its own thing, or that church was always an ai. those things are cool! they take the story in a more interesting direction! yeah it makes things more confusing and id prefer if the retcons werent necessary, but. its not the end of the world. but the thing with wash is. they did a really cool and interesting thing by having an ai COMMIT SUICIDE in his fucking HEAD. and then they went back on it! they very quickly went from "this clearly left a lasting impact on him" to "oh well it was bad, probably worse than hes letting on, but some of it was an act! so he could take em down from the inside!" to "yeah i mean he screamed while it was happening but he was fine when he woke up. no lasting consequences" and then it was never addressed again. and im mad about it!! they didnt even properly retcon it- they just decided that it had no consequences anymore, and it made washs character LESS interesting.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

yeah, all those posts are when people have prompted you to talk about apls

it says aroacesafeplaceforall but it's not safe for aplatonics! thats not all!

also, you put all these in the aplatonic tag. youre alloplatonic talking about:

hating the flag

friendship and platonic attraction

and PUTTING THEM IN THE APLATONIC TAG.

listen im not aplatonic but my brother is and he has said that this blog makes him uncomfortable. so im not just saying this to be a dick, it legitimately makes aplatonics (or at least one and most likely others) uncomforable

I apologise for the flag thing, it started between me and an apla who were comparing flags not on this blog.

"it says aroacesafeplaceforall but it's not safe for aplatonics! thats not all!" - it doesn't say safeplace for aplatonics. I try to make it so it is. I am not aplatonic. I cant speak about aplatonic issues. Nor can i promote aplaspec as much as i would like to as i dont know enough about it and do not have the time to learn.

"friendship and platonic attraction" -very confused about this

"listen im not aplatonic but my brother is and he has said that this blog makes him uncomfortable." - bestie, ive heard enough. go get your brother (if he exists) to send these asks

[seraphicalsuccubus]

Don’t worry Kyle she’s dumb af. Always flipping out on people for no reason lmao. Like anyone on here know what goin on in her daily life. Stfu. Just read all the asks she flips on everybody 🤣

bro I’ve ’flipped out’ on like three people recently. and all well within my bounds of doing so???

but also I literally made a post touching upon what goes on in my daily fucking life BEFORE even flipping out on those people so your point is entirely void, like???? so my question here is, why do you follow people you clearly dislike just to send them pitiful anon hate that isn’t even remotely true because you, for some reason, meticulously pick through their blog to find any sort of post to turn the blame on the person that rightfully reacted the way they did rather than find the post that explains everything you just tried to use as a point against me, only to have it turned on yourself lmao

and also you literally just proved ANOTHER point I didn’t even have to make??? like, this ESPECIALLY, if you DONT know what someone is going through, why are you legitimately going out of your way to be an asshole and make someone feel like shit when you don’t know what the fuck is going on in their life??? they could be going through hell, which, if you DID pay attention to anything I ACTUALLY post about or any of the other asks I’ve fucking answered, you’d know at least the slightest bit about what I’m dealing with currently. because I did, in fact, touch upon my recent absence/lack of posts here and a brief summary of what I’ve been going through daily, in a very long post just about 2 weeks ago. but yeah, you didn’t go looking for that because it would’ve made the whole argument you’re trying to make in this message immediately fall apart, so instead you just decided to take instances where I was fully justified in ripping into someone and try to use that as a tactic to antagonize me and get me to flip out on you too in hopes of trying to prove whatever false point you’re attempting to make about me and I just like ….. why do you care about someone that doesn’t even know you exist this much LMAO

but also, I mean, clearly you’re one of those people as well because you can’t grasp the simple concept of ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ because you still felt the need to send this shit to me when it’s not even fucking true lmfao, like if you’re gonna make up rumors about me because you’re that bored with your own poor excuse for a life that you have to make up the most uncreative lies about random people online to make yourself feel better, PLEASE at least have a shred of truth to them or you’ll just continue to look like a total fool when you’re called out for your own shit, like say, hmm, right now?

but also like … for real, tell me you follow me because you hate me and want to keep tabs on me so you can send these sad anon hate messages, but really only because that ‘hatred’ is secretly just this uncomfortable and unhealthy obsession you have with me so you stalk my blog only to use specific posts targeted at SPECIFIC PEOPLE who DESERVE the answers they get, to use that as a justification to baselessly attack me and say I’m always unreasonable and irrational because you’re too fucking consumed with envy and this weird obsession to just unfollow and block me and go about your own miserable life, that you have to take the kinda posts that rarely appear on my blog to create a really pitiful attempt at a rumor to taint my reputation and try to vilify me to my public following (who, those that have followed me from blog to blog for several years would know, is absolutely not the kind of person I am) without telling me you follow me because you ‘hate’ me lmao

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

this girl one time wanted to have sex with me and when i asked to use a condom she laughed it off and said it wasnt cool, and began to chip away at my boundary until i gave her what she wanted. she kept trying to get me to do things and i would say no, and she would continue asking anyway. in bed she said something like “you said you would” and that legitimately scared me, because it seemed like she was just blatantly lying to my face, or just forgot. then she called herself a succubus (A DEMON) and my gut screamed at me to be careful around her. sorry this may be TMI, but im anon so whatever, she said i could nut in her, which is the complete opposite of my original boundary. she was so sweet otherwise and communicated really good. except for when i texted her my concerns about being manipulated. she just became really defensive. im really happy im not “under her spell” anymore. i dont know what she was trying to do, but she could have hurt me really bad

its not tmi, its ok, you know me :p <3.. im sorry your boundaries were disrespected :( ill put my answer under read more cus its probly gona be long , this message had me contemplating some things..

IMO : sex is so tricky its been a struggle my whole life to understand how i feel about it & where my boundaries lie + allowing myself to express them so i understand the struggle u present here altho it's a different perspective.. some people use sex as a vehicle to gain power over others, by way of luring their partner into a state of vulnerability, i dont think that's something demonic necessarily i think it's usually more surface level than that. however

you do see a huge rise in the amount of ppl kind of, trying to personify the succubus nowadays? ppl have always wanted to be sexy but it's like different than the way ppl wanted to be sexy when i was younger. it got rly mainstream to have kind of a demon aesthetic if that makes sense? when i was younger this stuff was reserved for the relentlessly bullied & punished Goth and Emo kids.

but ok when i worked at spencers gifts in 2021/22 they had all these shirts of anime succubus girls getting choked and in bondage n shit, and these shirts were their best sellers they were outselling most the band tees and franchises like naruto.. and im telling youuu it was like, the youngest girls always buying these shirts, it made me so uncomfortable!! sometimes i would walk away and get my coworker to ring them up cus i was like nah im not selling a child that shit...but it really made me think like wow if i was in 7th grade and wore this shit to school it wou;dve been like wearing a giant KICK MY ASS!!!! target on my back but it's like, a popular thing rn.

and im not saying the bullying should return ofc, not the point. but it lead me down the string of thought wondering why this stuff is being pushed into the mainstream so heavily. sex sells i guess $$$ but yeah i think right now it's especially common to refer to yourself as a succubus if you're trying to feel a sense of power as a woman. because as a woman there are very few ways to gain power other than using sex. and many people want power! but i dont think most of them are demonic. just lost..

still its good u followed ur instinct to stay away from that girl because it is really cruel to manipulate someone in a moment where they've trusted you enough to be close to them like that.

yeah i think its rly rare for someone to be in some true demonic possession shit but i feel there can be dark things that linger *around* people who have weak spiritual armor and sort of, feast off their energy & create misfortunes around the person that generate bad energy for it to feed off of. but i dont think they have too much control over your actions like i would imagine for someone who's truly possessed. i feel a lot of ppl have these sort of ambient malignant attachments especially if they keep a lot of dark imagery & symbols around thinking it's just an aesthetic.

thas just my thoughts....really bored tonite so im typing a lot.... i love sex i think it can be so beautiful and restoring, it helps me feel so much happier in life to have good sex regularly i dont think sex or sexiness is evil. i just think its easy for ppl w bad intentions to turn it into this whole twisted ass mind game when it shld rly b so simple and natural and a loving connection that sets u free......be safe out there anon be discerning! protect you heart..<3

[destisea]

selective ,  private  &  slow activity multi media multimuse. with muses ranging from ONMYOJI , TWISTED WONDERLAND , HONKAI STAR RAIL , & MORE. crossover friendly, as most my muses are a mix of headcanons & canon. minors, personals and proshippers will be blocked on sight. est. 2023 , penned by RHYS / MUSE LIST

bound to: godfled , dvouer , paramythas , mythkiss

FEATURING BRIAR MOON , an original character for hsr

BLOGROLL: utsubotm , nihilara , abyssah , scmnium

my name is rhys, they/them.

just for starters, my activity is extremely slow, and i am 100% selective and picky about who i write with. just due to the fact my attention is quite unpredictable, and i do work a full time job which really wears me out.

if i dont follow you right away, or at all please dont take it personally. i like to keep my dash clear and not too cluttered.

if you write or interact with saccharot ( kae ), do not follow me or block me or whatever. likewise, if you write with kiingsroar ( dia ) or any of their other blogs, i ask you do much the same. i'd be more than happy to explain what happened and why i'm uncomfortable with these users. but please, i don't want them on my dash.

if you want to ship? tell me. i will never assume, or default to shipping with people. of course i practice the same, and like to make it very clear i want to explore a particular dynamic. if things wont work then that's fine! but i need clarity when it comes to stuff like that. i really go 0 - 100 on shipping, and LOVE development, and plotting.

that said, i do not ship things just because they're popular. i seek legitimate chemistry and development when i'm shipping things. do not ever assume i'm going to enjoy a pairing just because it's a fandom favorite.

please tag realistic images of spiders.

please, i don't obsessively hover on dash or deep dive on people. i roleplay as a hobby, and rarely prioritize being here. if someone i interact with is GENUINELY an issue, or has done something problematic and troubling- chances are i very likely do not know. or haven't heard about it, because i really only come on tumblr to rp and post art. i am okay with being corrected, or told these things. but do not spark drama, accuse me of things im not aware of, or assume i am okay with it.

[angstics]

it's always been interesting to me that the only thing seemingly "separating" the transgender truthing from the homosexual truthing, in terms of legitimate proof that someone who only knows gerard way through interviews and stage performance could provide, is the history of open gnc-ness. which doesn't really correlate to any kind of transgender identity but obviously i know why people choose to interpret it that way. (even then, the offstage dude kissing could and usually does fill an identical role in other peoples interpretation of gerard as being secretly gay so. shrug). but this time TRUST ME his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group is ACTUALLY him being secretly trans. i try not to engage with any mass discourse events and find the she/her pronoun usage distasteful and just personally uncomfortable, so i dont directly encounter many people who even orbit this kind of discussion lol. im curious what you think about this comparison! and i apologize if anything was worded unclearly :)

this is a big can o worms! i like hearing your thoughts. there’s sooo many different readings on his identity and how the outfits factor into that.

it’s invasive but it’s not the same ethics as theorizing about a friend. understanding an artist is important to people. it’s part of being an artist which is normal but heavily contested. im always reminded of siken’s response to the student who wanted to learn more about his life to understand his poetry lol (he wasnt nice). why would it matter? authenticity, connection, need to label? there’s no universal or moral answer

anyhow back to gerard. the shift from homosexual to transgender truthing is funny! people didnt give up, they just concluded he’s unlabelled gay 😭 not from the on/off stage kissing (which were all performative) but from the tweetsss. “when people try to define your sexuality [morrissey picture]” and “why would i hide it if i was a Homosexual”. the affair conspiracies and gay music themes and general stereotypes probably aided that. whether the assumption is true or false makes no difference. the reasons behind why ppl even make the assumption are so intriguing to think about… but this is already too long.

the “trans truthing” is complicated bc it’s more personal to ppl. im not gonna create a boogeyman. ive seen all of this, some i align with some i dont. putting them in a list cuz it’s easier to read

ppl in my corner of the fandom are comfortable with calling him queer, nb, trans — from most to least common. all as umbrella terms. all to mean not-cis. justification is good ol FLAGGING. like getting an undercut to tell girls yr a dyke without needing to come out. i can expand on this thought process if wanted. ive seen this kinda labeling for YEARS

a lot of ppl i follow stop at gnc because that is the only visibly obvious option. and it’s the term The Advocate used for him in 2018 (tho we gotta note that he didnt self-id — the writer used the same principal of gnc being about presentation over id). the term is treated as if it were between cis and trans. or more accurately, not-cis not-trans.

ive noticed that old/ex fans or outsiders under my 30k cheerleader gifset see the dress as a coming out…? people of 1 and 2 chalk it under that history of gender nonconformity. it’s surprising but makes sense. i think that’s the function of said history

all the egg talk ive seen is on twitter among transfem ppl and tumblr posts in the wild. i searched “gerard way trans” and got so many tweets referencing kurt cobain. that is transfem business, not mine 😭

all this to say that i havent seen anyone in these circles insinuate he was Secretly trans. it’s the same as the gay assumption. it isnt about proving what reality is. just whatever individuals accept as their truth. lots of 1 ppl have said that if he suddenly came out as cis, their perception wouldnt change. i take that to mean bc the performance itself is the person and the performance they see is transgender.

i dont see how art and artist can be separated in performance. what other version of the artist are you getting? i dont know if anyone round here is talking about the couch sitting gerard way. like why would we 😭 even if one does, it’s under the perception of the performance we know. if we werent talking about the performance, we wouldnt even be talking about it. you wouldnt imagine your loved one watching tv. youd sit next to them. look at them. talk to them. YOU KNOW? like this whole debate on whether it’s invasive goes NOWHERE. we arent talking about someone who could be known. we are barely talking about the real person.

and he knows this because anyone with a Name becomes this. the real life person doesnt need defending. he needs respect. to me that means not harassing him, not digging into his private life, not speaking for him. the rest is what feels ok for me. if the environment is uncomfortable, all i can do is share why. which is why talking about it is important.

ill say, im fine with she/her-ing him. i know those arent his defined pronouns. i know i use them as a term of endearment and character-dedication. i know when to avoid them. i personally dont believe in rigid pronoun use. i don’t believe in there being a handbook of rules of what is or isnt rude (not to say there arent general rules). you learn person to person.

goes back to the Pursuit of Universal Morality. god i remember last year getting so mad at the trans labelling id leave tumblr to complain on twitter. but ive changed my tune to seeing the non-cis ambiguity. not because of Evidence but because i found comfort in that connection. i wasnt wrong then, am not wrong now.

it isnt really about him, it’s about what he says and does. which IMO he’s likely to accept as an artist.

so yeah. TLDR: posts that are like “how can you say he’s [cis/trans] if X?!” are really just stating their own perception. even if they uncritically believe what theyre saying is reality, it’s THEIR reality. there is no difference btwn “his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group” and “him being secretly trans”.

[bli-o]

if you’re the type of person who thinks people who refuse to drink are all pussies/religious sticks in the mud i simply ask you to reflect on reasons people might have for avoiding alcohol.

especially marginalized groups and ESPECIALLY people with vaginas and ESPECIALLY feminine presenting people

also religion is a valid reason for avoiding alcohol. Any reason is a valid reason for avoiding alcohol because it is *your choice*.

also minors(people below 25 if you were to ask me) should not drink, not because its the law, but because it will likely legitimately fuck up your development and mental health.

(i say this because i’ve seen a lot of dangerous portrayals promoting underage drinking and while i do strongly believe in bodily autonomy i also think harming your health is bad���️)

also you dont need any type of history with it to have general fears around drinking.

if you’re uncomfortable in a situation involving alcohol you are 100% within your right to remove yourself from said situation for any reason no matter your history, your identity, what you look like, etc.(<-im talking to you, men. you’re not weak for making boundaries)

the only situation where you should dislike someone for their opinions on drinking should be if they think their abstinence makes them a “better person” or want to control other people’s rights to bodily autonomy.

I treat alcohol like poison in my personal decisions around it, primarily because i am a minor, but i will definitely continue to do so most likely till the day i die.

I present femininely(not really by choice but yk), and while even the masculine cishet white man is allowed to share this, I have a general fear of losing my ability to make rational decisions to any degree, especially in public spaces, because of that.

i get pretty tired of people who dont drink being portrayed/thought of as pansies. a lot of the time by people who don’t understand the experiences of people like me, trans, queer, assigned female at birth, and feminine presenting, who are at exponentially higher risk of being mistreated while intoxicated.

the choice to drink is entirely your prerogative.

[materialisnt]

a lot of the conversation around transability focuses on a sensationalized view of abled people fetishizing disability, which is what most of the media coverage has been so i can understand that, but it makes it really hard to talk about having a different internal and external ability configuration.

like, im hearing. i am a hearing man who can walk and talk. i think in my first language, english, and have a pretty good ear for sounds. or at least i used to, or have that image of myself in my memory and our inner world.

my system is not hearing, for the most part cant speak, and cant dance or walk or do any of the things that to me feel most natural. i have to relearn throughout the day often the same basic things: trying to speak results in pain and stress, i have to stick with grunts; i cant hear what people are saying and music doesnt make close to any kind of sense at a normal listening volume; if i try to walk we'll pass out; if i try to lift something that looks lightweight i could injure us to the point where that limb is out of commission for at minimum a few hours

the list goes on

all the things my body *should* be able to do, it cant. all the ways my body *should* look, it doesn't. the way i think, just the language i think in, does not match up with how we are able to communicate. i find myself learning and relearning again and again the same things, and am in awe of people for whom these things are natural – including my sysmates.

i wouldnt want to have a magical surgery to make our external body match my internal body, though if i was alone in here i might. i dont know! what i do know is it'd be hypocritical for me to say "a person whose internal body-map is disabled in a way their external bodymind isnt is not as legitimate than me" as a fundamental rule. there are certainly people who identify as transabled who dont go about it healthily, and who have a romantic image of life with disabilities, and i dont care for the term itself. That doesn't make the experience in question fake, nor is the struggle it often comes with.

i won't be carrying around a pride flag, or announcing my dysphoria outside contexts i feel are private and safe enough to do so, but I'm not going to get mad at someone else who does those things unless they do so in a harmful way. I'd encourage others to reflect on how the concept makes them uncomfortable or triggers feelings of disgust, particularly when the person in question is (presumed to be) nondisabled.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[maxellminidisc]

I don't think people have an obligation to "like" or "enjoy" art within the realm of abstract expressionism, cubism, de stijl, etc. I fully understand why an average Joe would be put off by these movements (and personally abstract expressionism and some of cubisms most lauded sons like Picasso are NOT my favorites, at all), especially since so much of the art that is accessible and most known to the average person has a idk, a lushness and a humanity to it that makes it charming/comprehensible, AND so much of the art we LIVE and function next to that could be argued is abstract or geometric, has the benefit of being lived in and therefore gone unacknowledged in such a strange ironic way.

When in comparison, a lot of abstract expressionism or cubist abstraction IS hard to read, to find purpose or a story in, and that can definitely be off putting to someone who's relationship with art has only ever been one of narrative. And its simplicity is more so often either within the realm of the clinical and mathematical or so chaotic in a way which evokes negative emotion, like an uncomfortable explosion of emotion that somebody is putting on you as a viewer. It would make anyone think they can like idk grab a ruler and figure it out or grab a can of paint and fuck about, which again, don't necessarily blame anybody for.

Like its very easy for people who don't live or surround themselves or wish to absorb much knowledge of art, to be dismissive of what it takes to make ANY kind of art including that which looks "easy" and I get it, because it's not their lived experience. But, sometimes when I see the running joke of how easy or dumb people think abstract art is, it reminds me of how easy it is in general for ANY art to be dismissed. I just think because abstract art is sooo polarizing, it bares the brunt of most people's disconnect from art and it's more easily perceptible there and more easy to use it as a vehicle for the conversation on why art is important.

It reminds me how people think making art in general is deceptively easy or not a "real job". I'm an artist who mostly works within I guess romanticism/classism, but without the glorification of white people?? (I basically paint or draw mostly people and portaits in detail both illustrative or more rendered with evocation of some kind of emotion) lol but I STILL get people tell me what I do isn't like hard or a legitimate career despite how much it took me to teach a lot if this to myself and how much of toll this shit take on my body AND my mind/emotions. And yeah, I got friends that make abstract art and that shit is equally as exhausting an experience to them.

I just think at the very least we owe each other a sort of a nod of idk VERY basic acknowledgment or respect at what it takes to make anything as an audience and an artist and as well...people. Again, I dont think you have to like art you don't feel necessarily moved by or that you can't criticize it either, but I think any artists would appreciate genuine criticism or a simple "eh, it's not my thing, moving on" over being dismissed in a sense of mockery. But idk I'm probably just WAAAAY too up in my feelings or something LMAO

...Of course this is NOT to say I think some art shouldn't definitely be like idk sent to hell just cause "its art". Imo art IS an extension of someone in some capacity, and not all people who make art are good people and not all intention put into art is always good. I just think the stuff that isn't necessarily harmful should just be given its respectful space and be enjoyed by people who it clicks with I guess.

[divergent-one-1984]

Organized Crime Ring in Astoria, NY, in a neighborhood under the jurisdiction of 114th PRECINCT and in apartment buildings managed by CENTRAL ASTORIA, LLC. I have been the victim of TARGETED COMMUNITY HARASSMENT SINCE SUMMER 2016 because of my race and gender, I am an African American woman (because of a rumor / gossip mill started by staff at NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION while I was employed there from 2014 to 2016 I was made the victim of targeted psychological harassment). Due to the illegal access and leaking of private, personal, confidential information by wiretapping / cloning / hacking of personal devices and illegal surveillance in my residence. This includes leaking of confidential medical information ((HPV, strains that can cause cervical cancer and an Abortion) - NOISE HARASSMENT SLEEP DEPRIVATION MUSLIM TENANTS ABOVE DRAGGING HEAVY FURNITURE ACROSS FLOOR ABOUT 7 AM

In addition to the HATE CRIME element to the ongoing stalking and harassment there is a Religious Zealotry / Nuttery / Judgmental / Fundamentalism / Extremism element to my daily harassment as I am being harassed by mostly Muslim and Latino people. Based on facts / my observation, I would estimate that 9 out of 10 people harassing me on a daily basis are Muslim or Latino, with Muslims ranking number 1, Muslims who appear to be from Middle Eastern / Arab countries and countries on the Asian continent. All of the tenants in my apartment building are involved in my daily harassment, especially the 3 apartments surrounding my apartment. 2 of the apartments are occupied by Muslim tenants and the 3rd apartment is occupied by Latino tenants. Out of the 9 apartments in my apartment building. 2 of the tenants, including myself are African American, the remaining 7 apartments are occupied by Latino and Muslim tenants, with the Muslims being in the majority.

As explained previously, the tenants in the 3 apartments surrounding my apartment are engage in NOISE HARASSMENT on a nearly daily basis, multiple times throughout any given day.

Dragging heavy furniture across the floor is one of the main activities the Muslim tenants above engage in.

It is not normal / typical to move furniture across the floor on a daily basis, muliple times throughout any given day, it is being done intentionally to not only harass and deprive sleep with the loud / annoying / disturbing sound but it is a psychological message to move out this harassment has been about pushing me out of places and spaces.

It started at NYC DEPARTMENT OD EDUCATION with WORKPLACE MOBBING, the main goal of MOBBING is to remove the target from the workplace by any means by either forcing them to quit or fabricating a firing for cause.

TARGETED COMMUNITY HARASSMENT and GROUP STALKING is no different, why else would a group of people work together in a coordinated and organized effort to stalk, harass, abuse and torture a person in a neighborhood who has done absolutely nothing to them and who they have to merit or right to harass for years. The are attempting to create an environment that is so uncomfortable, unpleasant, unwelcoming, and inhospitable for me to force me to leave on my own or fabricate a legitimate reason to have me evicted from the apartment / neighborhood agiain for no legitimate reason.

I dont know most of the people harassing me personally and have never talked to them or had any dealings with them prior to the harassment beginning in SUMMER 2016, only contact I had with them was for them to cease the noise they were making. So this hate that is being directed towards me was obviously fabricated and a smear campaign creates because how to do generate so much hate towards someone you never interacted with. Someone told you to hate the person by manipilating you, telling you lies, and truths that are none of your business to make you feel justified in harassing me. Mostly looks like Religious Nuttery because most of the people harassing me are religious, main ones being Muslims, from Middle Eastern countries.

I have been part of this community since 1976, born and raised in this same apartment. I have never had issues with individuals or groups of individuals in this neighborhood until the COMMUNITY HARASSMENT began SUMMER 2016, about 2 months after I resigned (APRIL 2016) from NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, DOWNTOWN BROOKLYN OFFICE on Adams St., due to the WORKPLACE MOBBING.

This is also right after I REPORTED THE WORKPLACE MOBBING to NYC DEPARTMENT OF LABOR, naming TOLANI ADEBOYE, NATASHA LIGGINS-MODELO, AND KHADIJA DAVIS amongst some of the others involved in the MOBBING.

ABDOULAZIZ BARRY was a friend, he was not named in the complaint, I did end the friendship after quitting and filing complain because his attitude towards me seemed to have changed. The mob seemed to have biased him against me therfore in May 2016 I ended the friendship via Instant Messenger because this is how we were communicating at this particular time and refused his attempt to talk via phone or in person to further discuss my decision to end friendship. Abdoulaziz Barry is Muslim. Then like a month after (SUMMER 2016) a whole bunch of Muslims in my neighborhood were stalking and harassing me. This does not appear to be coincidence, seems quite intentional.

Every place I have attempted to work at since NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION has engaged in WORKPLACE MOBBING.

THE CONTAINER STORE, In the Chelsea area of Manhattan (Holiday season 2016)

NYC DEPARTMENT OF CONSUMER AFFAIRS, ironically now know as NYC DEPARTMENT OF CONSUMER AND WORKER PROTECTION (January 2017 to April 2021)

The removing of me from mainstream society is an actual part of my harassment, probably the main part. I am unable to earn a living because each workplace I go to engages in WORKPLACE MOBBING, every single day because they want me to quit or they want to fabricate a firing for cause all to put negative marks on my record and make me unemployable with ultimately leads to me unable to earn a living and take care of myself like a human being.

They will not allow me to live in an apartment in peace. I am basically a prisoner in my own home, between the lack of / violation of privacy due fo ILLEGAL SURVEILLANCE directed at and inside my residence and all the other harassment tactics engaged in on a daily basis multiple times throughout the day by multiple people in this neighborhood and from outside of this neighborhood ( commercial trucks driving by, delivery people, etc).

About 4 years ago before I knew fully about what had been done fo me, the tactics involved, etc. I moved out of Astoria because this was fairly early on in my harassment and I did not fully understand all elements of this harassment campaign, I moved to Midwood Brooklyn on Avenue P by Kings Highway B, Q train and the same thing happened there with the NOISE, HARASSMENT, ILLEGAL SURVEILLANCE.

Whoever has done this to me does not want me to live or earn a living or live a decent life because every place I go to work I get MOBBED and every place I go to live I get HARASSED by tenants in building, building management staff, and by people in the neighborhood.

I have worked at 2 different places since leaving NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and lived in another apartment since moving out of Astoria, lived in that new place for 3 years. I was harassed every single day I lived there except for maybe the first week. The head of this harassment campaign needed time to get all their resources together I suppose to get the harassment fully up and running. They will use people already living in the neighborhood if they can, but will also move people into neighborhood to stalk, harass, abuse, and torture the target.

[chisatowo]

You know I'm having a fun time when I have like half of the dr fandoms most popular ships tags blocked </3

[cuz-reasons]

Me: While I personally have no problem with masks, I can understand why others may have issues breathing while wearing them for extended periods of time as it is an extra layer covering your breathing holes and I dont want to be disrespectful of that

Customer at work after waiting about 3 mins tops as I make her two drinks: I'm going to step outside for a moment since it's hard for me to wear a masks for longer than 5 mins

Me, about to put the straws in her drinks, internally: if I can wear a mask and run around in this hot cafe for 4 hours you can wear yours for one more second without being a baby about it

[nonbinaryspacegoo]

so anyway i finally got around to looking up the clips of travis mcelroy playing among us that people are big mad about and i gotta say

its not that deep bro

as a certified neurodivergent its like yeah it be like that sometimes and while you should try to keep a handle on it because it really isnt pleasant for other people sometimes your adhd brain is racing around and bouncing off the walls and you act a lil obnoxious without realising

and look i dont know the man but from my own experience and the experiences of a lot of my neurodivergent friends? those kinds of outbursts of being completely caught up in your own little world are almost always quickly followed by a hard crash of realising you were being annoying and then feeling like absolute shit and wanting to just curl up in a hole and never come back out

was he being pretty obnoxious? yeah. but like. its not that deep bro. it really isnt.

people saying that hes only tolerable when he has his brothers as a buffer really hits on my, and like a LOT of neurodivergent people i know, 's insecurities

like i have friends that help me manage some of my less digestible symptoms so i dont annoy or overwhelm people and its a legitimate debilitating fear that i might only be tolerable with them around and a lot of the comments ive seen regarding how hes behaved during that stream really just straight up gave me really upsetting flashbacks to how people treated me before i had a better handle on my symptoms. now you might read that and say "oh but that was when you were a kid, travis is pushing 40" but the thing is i still have those episodes where im too hyper and push a bad or mediocre joke to far and too hard or am just generally too caught up in what i was excited about to consider other people, or when i was trying to express how i felt about something that hurt my feelings in the moment without properly analysing if maybe i just needed to take a step back from my emotions and be ok with other peoples jokes or whatever.

idk i was kind of dreading checking out what people were mad about but having watched it im just

it seems completely understandable from my perspective. not saying he shouldnt have taken a minute to sort himself out, or that he wasnt being annoying or unreasonable, but it just seemed like a fairly normal issue that neurodivergent people have. it just be like that sometimes, yknow?

and again it just sort of reinforces, to me, that a lot of people really will advocate for neurodivergent people but then turn around and behave indistinguishably from an ableist bully when a neurodivergent person presents or has a moment when an aspect of their neurodivergence isnt digestible and either pleasant or negligible for the people around them, when their symptoms are too loud or make people uncomfortable or overstep someones comfort zone

and look.

this isnt a "boo hoo poor travis" thing or whatever, while i enjoy a lot of his content and relate to a lot of the struggles he is quite public about, i make an effort not to form too strong a bond with people i dont know personally. travis will most likely be fine, hes a grown man whos financially very secure and has a strong support network.

my issue isnt people dunking on a minor celebrity, my issue is the effects it has on people who share his struggles. i know that it hurts me personally to see comments on how he shouldnt try to publicly interact with people or how his, lets admit it, fairly minor and harmless outbursts of inconsiderate or strange behaviour indicate he is actually a Bad Person, and i genuinely believe that it hurts other neurodivergent people as it reinforces attitudes that do real harm.

idk i just

it reminds me that its very easy to be supportive of neurodivergent people when theyre being funny and relatable and charming, but that a lot of allies are more than happy to turn on us as soon as we're not palatable. as soon as we fail to be perfectly accommodating and easy to be around.

i guess if i had to say something to the people making sport of dunking on him at the moment itd be

remember that neurodivergent and mentally ill people are watching and theyll remember how you behaved when you say youre an ally

this post is ok to reblog but i am not taking constructive criticism thank you

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

Shiggy headcanons because he <3

warning: some nsfw and I say when it starts

okay first off, yes please help him take care of his skin but be nice about it, he is self conscious about his skin and will think you think hes ugly if you dont bring it up right- best way to go about it is say that you know it bothers him and makes him uncomfortable physically and mentally and you want to help him and you think that these products could help

cause he appreciates you looking out for him a lot

it also helps if you do a skin care routine with him! he thinks of it as a fun bonding time for the both of you and you being there in the habit of doing it everyday helps to remind him to do it everyday

at the beginning he could be very selfish and demanding of you (mainly of your attention and time) while also not giving you much in return- he didnt mean to, he legitimately has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, all he knows is that he craves your attention and love but doesnt know how to give it back and is scared to anyways

you're really gonna have to be patient with him, help him to understand that you need to be given affection as well and that relationships require work from both sides - hell take everything you say very seriously because he doesnt want to disappoint you

he opens up in odd increments, hell go from you cannot know anything about me to heres my life story in 10 minutes, leaves out details here and there that hell save for another time, but hes not trying to trauma dump or anything its just so healing for him to be able to get it out to a positive outlet that sometimes he can give you a bit much without warning, but of course you want to help him so you comfort him as best you can

so scared of touching you, at first hes wary even with wearing gloves because just what if - what if something goes wrong and suddenly you're gone, he cant handle that

but he slowly gets there, first getting more comfortable with just you touching him and then hell carefully link his pinky with yours or press your foreheads together, small things that you learn to love

when he learns to control his quirk to the point of not having to worry about this anymore, he excitedly runs up to you hands out and just grabs you, let's his hands run all over your body in the most innocent way possible, for the first time he can actually feel you fully and hes so in love

if anyone even dared to hurt you he would kill them without a second thought, you are without question the most important thing on this planet, nothing else matters

he can be extremely possessive, but it's mainly because hes terrified you'll leave. he doesnt think hes attractive or has a good personality or any good redeeming qualities, he has no idea why someone as perfect as you would even consider looking in his direction, but he never wants you to leave

god he loves kisses. so much. could kiss you for the rest of eternity and would never get bored. when you pull away he will chase your lips and pull you in again

tell him hes gorgeous please. he needs to hear it, he has no idea how genuinely beautiful he is :(

he loves when you wear his clothes. they're more than likely all very dirty, especially if you wear them long enough to get them to smell like you because he wont wash them just to keep the smell (so you're probably gonna have to wash his clothes and help him to get into the habit of doing so), but he thinks you're so gorgeous in his clothes. its probably another aspect of him being possessive and liking things that make it obvious that you're with him, but he wouldnt mind if you stole everything in his closet

loves having you seated on his lap, especially during important meetings. yeah, hes got the hottest s/o on the planet, no one else can have them, cope.

seriously he loves showing off that you're with him he will brag endlessly if the situation allows it

loves playing video games with you of course, at first you were lucky to be able to be seated at his side and watch as he played, but now he got you your own special controller and cant wait to continue playing whatever 2 player game he can find

he gets you really cute gifts, probably stolen or things he found laying around, but they're always so soft - the sweetest gift he ever gave you was one of his old plushies that he keeps in his room, he washed it and everything for you and gave it to you so that even when hes not there you have something of him

loves when you play with his hair, it's probably tangled 90% of the time because he cant be bothered to even think about brushing his hair but will let you brush it for him and run your fingers through it and everything

though he does whine when you accidentally brush too hard and pull on his hair harshly, but his hair is seriously tangled and the brush might get stuck in it unless you're brushing it often

wants to protect you from the world. hes so worried about you constantly, he doesnt know what hed do if something happened to you, but if you're out hes always got an eye on you if hes not physically holding onto you

not a relationship thing but I just gotta throw in my nonbinary he/they Shiggy headcanon :)

I was trying to keep this mainly sfw but I just gotta include some nsfw, poor baby is extremely horny. mega horny 24/7. he probably wants to fuck you as soon as you start dating

whether you do or not is up to you, but just know he is not experienced at all. hes watched insane amounts of porn but quickly realizes that he cant use that as a basis for what to actually do with you, so you're gonna have to teach him a lot. even if you're inexperienced as well, you'll probably have a better idea generally than he does

after a lot of practice and semi embarassing moments, he gets pretty good at sex honestly. he genuinely wants to make you feel good and will listen to everything you say. hes very open to everything you want to try too

hes got some more extreme kinks that many people wouldnt be willing to even try, and he respects if you dont want to go into them because again he wants you to enjoy yourself

hell sub a lot at the beginning of your sex life because hes confused and you're probably taking the lead on things, but as he gets more confident that he actually knows what hes doing he goes more and more into being a dom - can and will still sub if you want him to, but generally ends up domming