#like i may not remember anything specific beyond those like.. 5 total days where i hung out with my friends

[oflgtfol]

me: hm im in the last stretch of my linear algebra hw, perhaps listening to The Wheel Is Turning Now by Everything Everything will help get my brain working like how it always helped me when programming

me: *starts this song* *cries*

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. 

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars). 

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with:  “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable. 

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see 

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay). 

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience. 

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

[acequeenking]

Hadestober 5

5) Song As Long as Time - Hades loves his wife, always and forever. And therein lies the rub. (T; mentions of Persephone’s drug/alcohol abuse)

A man chooses his wife carefully, and that goes double for the immortal type. Least Hades had always thought so.

Hades was the last of his siblings to settle – well, the last of the ones liable to settle. He’d had plenty of time to see all the ways it could go bad. Had gone bad. Thought he could avoid the pitfalls. Married a pretty young thing, smart as a whip and just as mean, and he liked them pretty and young and mean. Kept his head down, kept her needs sated, and kept her fingers drenched in diamonds.

And still, he has fallen. Ain’t no doubt about it. One look at his wife today—every day—tells him this much.

Here is his wife, settling into her seat on the veranda, looking slightly sauced. Her first priority, of course, is setting down the two liquor bottles she’s carried from who knows where. He’s tried to get rid of the juice, but she’s outwitted him in where she hides it. And it used to be just one, but was a time when he wasn’t getting enough out of the bottle to fill his cup before she’d drunk it all, so now there’s the two and the little flask she’s taken to keeping at her breast aside. (Times is, a man feels like that flask is meant specifically to block his affections, for it caresses her heart more than he himself does.)

He tries to remember, settling down to games with his wife: has this ever worked out well? Marriage in his kind? He thinks: there’s sister Hera, of course, more devoted than almost any of the rest of them and therefore always chasing her husband, while her husband goes chasing everything that lives and breathes. Further back: mama Rhea handed them the means to seize the production of Mount Olympus, not that Hades got much of that beyond the satisfaction of seeing his father cast down to Tartarus; before that even, well, there’s his grandma, cutting a bit off of grandpa when he wanted a bit of comfort one time too many.

Always swore he wouldn’t be one of them, one of the ones whose marriage turned to salt. Had meant it when he married. He had put aside the thought of the thought of having anyone else share his bed or his life beyond this one girl; this one, precious girl. Put a lot of work into this marriage, Mr. Hades has.  And she, too, has tried: she’s stayed true to him, shares at least six months out of every twelve which is less than he wants but more than he is, strictly speaking, obligated to. Sleeps in his bed, most nights, long as she ain’t passed out somewhere else. Still comes to play dominoes at any time in which he asks.

So why does he feel so alone?

His wife flutters her fan; hot down here. Doubtless she’ll complain about the heat or the lights in a moment or two, even though she’d always loved those slick, bright summer days best, back in their courtship. Seems to hate it now, but then she’d loved him too, then, and no longer seems to hold him so sacred to her heart.

“Bright down here,” His wife grouses, right on time. The usual complaint, where once she would have said hello or I missed you or Ain’t you a sight for these sore eyes or some such. He gives her a thin, tired smile, doesn’t offer a word.  What can he do? They have had this argument so many times and she has never changed her opinion even once, no matter how many times a man has pointed out the reasons for the heat: his forges, his fires, his business. She profits just as much from it. Where does her ever-consumptive need for alcohol get sated, if not in his coffers?

She doesn’t say anything in response to his silence, but she starts her drink. He takes note of it: glug, glug, glug. Downs it all in one drop. His wife has always been a thirsty thing; time was, she was thirsty to know him, too. Was a time when the world was young, and she made him feel young, too. 

He holds out his cup, wordlessly begging for a bit of her fruit of their vine. He hates that their relationship has come to this: this is the nicest she ever is to him, anymore, smiling lightly as she tipples a little bit of her poison his her cup. Pours herself a second, arranges the game. Smiles again, and again maybe he hopes just a bit, just a bit.

“Thank you,” he says, hoping he’ll be lucky and it might make her smile a little bit more. 

“Hades,” she says. Then, unexpected: her face cracks into that desperately wanted smile, and his heart beats faster. He dares to hope. 

“Yes?” He says. He likes it when she says his name. Never was a god who turned down a bit of worship in having their name called so very sweetly like, and Hades himself ain’t no exception.

She looks at him, puts down a domino. He pairs it with another, pair of sevens; lucky. Does feel lucky. What he wouldn’t give for her to reach out her hand. He stretches out his fingers.

She picks up the drink instead. Sucks a little bit of it down, not a lot. She trying to get up the courage to make a move toward him? Who knows.

Was a time he knew her well. But that time is not now. Which makes it all the more painful that he still loves her more than anything else; loves her with all his ancient heart beating. She doesn’t even look at him, just licks the rim of her glass.  “Hm.” She giggles. “Hmm." 

"Careful,” he says, knowing it might well provoke a negative reaction but what is a man to do? Can’t just let her go to the drink, can he? Wouldn’t be a good husband if he doesn’t try, surely? She snorts, plays another play: 7-7-7, straight up to heaven. She’ll be going back up above soon enough, spring ain’t that fair away. His mouth hardens at the thought. 

“Hades,” she says, again, this time more playful. She touches his hand; then, she giggles and touches it again, and again. His smile vanishes. His wife is on something. And nothing good.

“What are you doing?” He asks. 

She takes a long sip of her drink. Plays a 4. Plenty of cultures, that’s his sign; here, he doesn’t think about it. Focused totally on her, on the wife who he loves more than anything. 

She just giggles, apropos of nothing. At nothing. Persephone is staring at the fucking wall like it’s a riot, and she’s so studiously not looking at him, he’d almost think it was on purpose. 

“Hades,” she says, again. “Hades." 

"What are you on?” He asks, as realization dawns: this is not drunkenness. This is - this is something else. And whatever she is on, whatever poison pill or plant or vapor she’s found, she must have taken it right before she got to him. She must have had to have it to get herself to go to the old man, her old ball and chain, and when did he get demoted to such? He has tried so hard. He stands, crosses the table, tugs her up. He wants to strangle her. He wants to hold her close and sob deeply into her until she is fully drenched in his sorrows.

He is deeply, deeply afraid of both feelings.

She doesn’t protest much when he grabs her, which worries him more. She tucks her hands onto his chest, pauses at his heavy old heart. He wonders: Does she know? Know how it beats for love for her? How it always has. How it always will. Does it even matter to her, anymore?

He does not know.

“Persephone,” he murmurs. “What’s gotten into you?" 

"Just some good-time stuff,” she says soft. “Wanna relax.” Her pupils are large, so large; how had he not noticed? Stupid. He hates her ingesting the stupid human poisons. It scares him as she rubs her cheek against his own, and he does not know if its because he hates the thought of something else having her attention, or the thought that such things may harm her, or the thought that she cannot stand him even so much as to greet him even remotely sober. 

But because he loves her so much, he does not resist when she rubs her chin against his throat, seeking contact. It is the closest they have been since the train ride, where her knees brushed his own.  

“Hades,” she murmurs; she is still giggling, though he himself is not at all amused. But she is not entirely here, no? Not at all.

He pulls his large arms around her, wraps them tight, and tries to remember a garden long ago. She puts her arms around his neck, holds him as tight as he holds her.

But instead of feeling reassured, all he feels the pain of that flask, poking him right in the heart. 

[prettygraceful]

magnus & the main characters interaction count: a study

an interaction counts as magnus talking specifically to 1 main and that main character responding, or vice versa. (you know like alec does with jace/ clary/ izzy in 95% of the episodes throughout the whole series and luke/ simon in half of s1 and s3.) an interaction is NOT where magnus addresses the group in general with no one responding to him directly, or him being in the same room with all of them, but they only talk to alec or to each other.

this count starts from 2b. s1/ 2a did NOT have anywhere close to an adequate amount, but at least there wasn’t so little that it was total joke like after that. the sad truth of this is so glaringly obvious when it’s listed.

plz take note this post is about magnus/ MAIN character interaction ONLY

and obviously this count is about the 6 mains other than alec

SEASON 2B

2x11: NONE

altho clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec

2x12: NONE

2x13: NONE

2x14: 1 scene with luke

2x15: NONE

altho jace/ izzy are in the room, they don’t talk to him

2x16: NONE

he was not in the episode. he also was not in some episodes in s1. luke and maia have also not been in some.

clary, jace, alec, izzy, and simon have been in every episode. just saying.

2x17: 2 scenes with luke

2x18: 1 scene with luke

2x19: NONE

altho the shadowhunters/ luke are in the room, they don’t talk to him

side note: making literally everyone be against magnus/ glaring at him/ shading him behind his back after all he’s literally done for every single one of them was… a choice. they all didn’t seem to care that he was hurting.

2x20: 1 scene with izzy

final count:

6 episodes (over half the season) with NONE

2 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

only 1 episode where he interacts throughout, yet still only with 1 other main

only 3 scenes where he gets to talk to another main without alec there

no scene where he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

SEASON 3A

3x01: NONE

3X02: NONE

altho shadowhunters/ luke are in the room, they only talk to alec

3X03: 1 scene with izzy

3x04: NONE

altho clary is in room, she only talks to alec

3x05: NONE

3x06: multiple scenes with clary

3x07: NONE

altho clary/ izzy/ simon are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x08: multiple scenes with izzy

no, owl!jace saying alec would chose jace over him doesn’t count

altho luke/ simon are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x09: 1 scene with izzy

3x10: 1 scene with jace

altho should a scene of him telling the parabatai he gave up his magic for them and them not saying anything count?

final count:

5 episodes (half the season) with NONE

3 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

only 2 episodes where he interacts throughout, yet only with 1 other main

only 1 episode where he gets to talk to another main without alec there

no episodes where he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

SEASON 3B

3x11: 1 scene with izzy

altho jace is in the room, he only to talks alec

3x12: NONE

altho jace/ luke are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x13: 1 scene with izzy

and 1 single line to clary, i guess

3x14: NONE

3x15: NONE

aside from 1 single line to simon, i guess

no, clary/ jace/ izzy unkindly questioning him being there doesn’t count

side note: making magnus be surrounded by a room full of racist-coded shadowhunters in s3 was… a choice. what was the point of that? it showed that apparently only laws have changed but not societal sentiment- outside of the main foursome- since s1 in their mindset towards downworlders. and then they had malec get married amongst these racists a few weeks later?? to show him being treated so disrespectfully (again in s3, so nobody’s mindset progressed outside of the 4) and be made so uncomfortable and then never have them show him any love or treat him as an equal later on (as an individual and not just as half of malec) was… a choice. a bad choice.

3x16: NONE

3x17: NONE

3x18: NONE

altho clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec (and then when he’s sad over something that their 3a choices caused, they leave. in the same episode the writers have maryse say “we’re all here for you”…what a joke.)

3x19: NONE

3x20: NONE

altho izzy/ clary/ jace are in the room, they only talk to alec

3x21: NONE

aside from 1 single line to simon, i guess

no, saying only biscuit doesn’t count

3x22: NONE

altho it’s his wedding day, they don’t let jace/ izzy welcome him into the family but instead irrelevant max.

and altho it’s literally the finale, the ONLY person he gets to talk to is his rival. (side note, but lorenzo and underhill should NOT have been at the wedding after their awful treatment towards him. such two-faced people.)

final count:

10 episodes (the length of a normal half season) with NONE

2 episodes of only 1 scene interaction

0 episodes where he interacts throughout

1 scene where he get to talk to another main without alec there

in his 1 scene in 3x13, he talks to another main and alec isn’t mentioned

i think the point i’m making is obvious: the 3 white showrunners and mostly white writers almost never ever let magnus even talk to any of the other main characters. (he also goes three seasons without a single story arc with another main that lasts more than 1 episode. (no, the writers using luke as a mouthpiece to justify alec’s mistake in 2b does not count.) you know, like how alec had big long arcs with both clary and jace in s1, 2a, and 3a and izzy here and there. even maia, the most neglected character on this show, still got to regularly interact with simon and luke- 2 mains. even luke with his limited screentime, still got to regularly at least talk to literally all of the mains in all his group scenes.

and what about the 3 downworlder mains and alec?

well, altho alec and maia only had 2 scenes together, that’s still twice what magnus/ maia got, seeing as they only had the 1 scene together in 2a.

alec and luke had at least 3 scenes together in s1 that i can remember vs magnus/ luke only having 2 lines in 1x06. both duos had about equal in 2b.

in 3a alec/luke had 5 scenes together. magnus/ luke had none where they actually spoke to each other. in group scenes magnus only talked to alec.

in 3b alec/ luke had 3 scenes. magnus/ luke had none. plus luke told alec that he couldn’t go to his wedding, instead of telling magnus.

in s1 magnus/ simon had maybe 1 line. alec/ simon were interacting constantly throughout, i don’t remember how many scenes it was.

in 2a magnus/ simon had 2 episodes together. in 2b they had 1 scene but i don’t really count it since it was only to have it be literally everyone vs magnus. alec/ simon had 1 scene in 2b and none in 2a.

in 3a alec/ simon had 3 scenes interacting together. magnus/ simon had none where they actually spoke to each other.

in 3b all the fans complaining really paid off! 2 scenes in 3x15. 1 scene each in 3x17, 3x19, 3x20, and 3x21 for a grand total of 6 scenes. plus no talking- yet still in a scene together- in 1 other scene in 3x15, 3x17, 3x18, and 2 others in 3x19, for a grand total of 5, not counting the edom finale scenes. magnus/ simon only said 2 lines to each other in 3b.

not to mention alec stood next to simon in a nice two-shot in 4 separate scenes. it really reminded me of what they do with clary/ alec in group scenes. the writers don’t always give them a lot of dialogue together, but they’re sure to get that dynamic in at least visually. alec always has at least crumbs vs magnus getting nothing. where is that energy from the writers, directors, or fans with magnus and literally any main? really, where is it?

i mean, there was no reason for alec/ simon not to have scenes, but i’m so truly disappointed that this is where the fan effort was spent instead of lobbying for magnus to get to interact with even one main character other than alec, seeing as alec always already get to constantly have many, many, many duo and group scenes and big arcs with the 3 other shadowhunters. and now he gets to be more bonded with all of the main downworlders too instead of magnus with his own people. the writers are so so so wack.

also obviously magnus interacts with alec on a regular basis. the point is that’s it. malec is the main reason why i watch the show, so it matters a great deal, but when every other main is getting vastly more interactions, it’s a problem. also in nearly all of the episodes when alec has scenes with other mains- and magnus is not there- magnus is not mentioned. not so when it’s vice versa.

why not count any supporting characters you may be saying? because that’s not what i hear everyone demanding for alec or the others, is it? because he didn’t interact with raphael, his supposed son, in s1, or at all after 3x01 to the actual finale. because aside from her bringing madzie over in 3x11, catatrina and and him didn’t speak in 3b. she wasn’t even introduced until 3a (so 2 seasons w/o any friends.) they only spoke in 4 scenes total in all of s3. she was his best man, yet that’s not important enough to show on screen. ragnor was literally only 1 episode. who’s left- his jealous, bitter pathetic rival or his father who has obvious gross, creepy incestuous, jealous feelings for him. or alec’s mother, who only had scenes with him for the same reason maia/ jordan had all those scenes- to give them something to do away from the group/ main plotlines. why couldn’t magnus and maia had scenes together also or instead? and being bffs with his bf’s mom but not getting to even TALK to his parabatai, the person alec’s closest to platonically, let alone be friends, is truly beyond words. and also harry and matt are only 5 years apart (kat/ dom have more of an age difference) so i’m tired of the writers/ fans keeping alec in the playpen with his younger co-stars while magnus is separated to only older ones.

and also i just really don’t care about supporting characters. i see them as just taking screentime away from the mains, specifically the downworlder mains, who are already running on limited time. look at 3x13 when they want to do a whole heidi arc, who gets cut- magnus. or in 3x17 when they want to introduce helen and aline, i resented them right off the bat for getting twice as much screentime than magnus, a main character, in that important episode for him. throughout the whole show, whenever supporting characters are getting screentime, it always means magnus, maia, and luke are not. that’s not good.

some final thoughts, nearly every single malec fan spent the entire 9 month hiatus from 3a to 3b relentlessly saying alec needs interactions. as if he didn’t get huge bonding arcs with clary and jace in s1 and 2a and 3a. as if he doesn’t talk to and go places and do things with clary, jace, and izzy nearly every single episode, every single season since the beginning. mighty handy to not count the 3 of them when you want to cry “alec has no friends” every single day, as if he hasn’t had an enemy to friendship arc with clary 3 times in 3 seasons. as if he hasn’t had a dying, can’t live without you arc with jace 3 times in 3 seasons. as if he doesn’t hug jace twice more than magnus per half season. as if he doesn’t have izzy there to lean on and talk to. funny how siblings don’t count as friends when it’s mighty convenient that’s they’re the only mains to have siblings. i would kill, KILL, for magnus to be even talk to jace and izzy let alone be real friends, yet fans are taking their friendships with alec for granted, while simultaneously saying they’re robbed of the parabatai dynamic. that’s rich.

if alec having scenes every other ep, and melodramatic arcs every other half season, wasn’t such a guarantee the fans have learned they could count on, nobody would say that his siblings and clary don’t count. but everyone knew they could say that because we know it wouldn’t be taken away. i mean, look at the stark siblings in game of thrones. they never interacted, and the entire fandom cried about that being the most important friendships to show, but it wasn’t shown. this fandom needs to put things in perspective and stop taking the lightwoods sibs and the shadowhunters squad dyamic for granted and realize that magnus and maia don’t get even a minuscule fraction of that. also want to add that simon got plenty of constant sturdy dynamics too, with clary, jace, luke, maia, and izzy. and fans got their alec/ simon content and yet still so ungrateful. i beg the malecs to compare what magnus gets before complaining.

[dailyaudiobible]

10/05/2021 DAB Transcript

Jeremiah 4:19-6:15, Colossians 1:18-2:7, Psalms 77:1-20, Proverbs 24:23-25

Today is the 5th day of October, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today just like it is wonderful to be here with you every day. We’re fortunate. We’re fortunate to have the Global Campfire. We’re fortunate to have this place to come to each and every day. And, so, I'm grateful. And let's dive in. We are in the book of Jeremiah, kinda just getting moved into that. We are also in the book of…the book, but the letter to the Colossians, which we just began yesterday. So, we’re just getting into that so it's kind of new territory for us. We’re reading from the Common English Bible this week. Jeremiah chapter 4 verse 19 through 6 verse 15 today.

Commentary:

Okay. So, there are days when we come to our reading from the Psalms that what we read is so raw, so honest, and we find that as a bit of a trademark in the Psalms. And we find that actually in music, right? We can find certainly pretentious music, sometimes that heart cry, or that person singing about heartbreak or some other thing that has happened and it just comes through because of the music, the feeling the emotion of the words is exponentially amped up, more on display. And, so, when we find music, a song, a lyric from the Psalms in the Bible saying what we feel, then we identify with it. And we may be…we may take a step back and go, “why is that in the Bible? The Bible’s supposed to be full of encouragement, all positivity.” But actually, the Bible is something that's there to reach our hearts and to lead us to God. And honesty is a place to start. And, so, we see that in the 77th psalm today that Asaph wrote. And he cries out in this Psalm with like…like a barrage of questions…maybe not a barrage…six questions in particular, but one after the other after the other. And if we pay attention to those questions, we find…we find ourselves in different seasons in our…in our lives having asked the same things. So, Asaph asks, “will my Lord reject me forever. Will He never be pleased again? Has His faithful love come to a complete end? Is His promise over for future generations? Has God forgotten how to be gracious? Has He angrily stopped up His compassion?” Those are some intensely honest questions. And maybe we haven’t used these exact words, but we've had these sentiments, we've had these thoughts, they've been in our hearts. Many of them we've spoken aloud and typically this is happening when we are not happy about something, right, when we have a crisis to deal with or we have to endure something or we’re suffering in some way. We usually don’t ask where has His…His compassion gone if everything is awesome and were having a great day. It’s usually when we’re in a season of challenge that these kinds of things begin to bubble up out of our heart. And it's not like they weren't there. They just emerge. They reveal themselves and all the sudden we check in with our own hearts and see that we’re not doing all that great. And at this point in the Psalm Asaph isn't doing that great. So, he asks these six questions that we just asked or read ourselves. His response after those six questions is, “it's my misfortune I thought that the strong hand of the most-high is different now.” That is so honest. That…that…that rings true. This is how he is actually experiencing life at the moment. And it…it's so ancient. These words are thousands of years old and so relevant. And, so, we can see again, permission to be honest, it's just what do we do once we reach that place…point…point that we stuffed things down inside enough till they kind of emerge, whether they blow up or they just seep out. What's going on in our heart is going to seep out into our lives. So, what we do with it. Well…the first thing is to be honest about it. We’re seeing this modeled in the Bible, to be honest about it, but there are still choices to be made, because we can get really honest about how were feeling and we can cry tears and weep and plead and yell and spin around in circles and jump up and down and do whatever we need to do to release some of the energy, but we can get stuck there as if nothing will ever change and we can…we can turn toward bitterness and that will only make it worse. That will only lead us into further depths. It's…it's as if Asaph caught himself and then gives another path. And, so, Asaph says, “I will remember the Lord’s deeds. Yes, I will remember your wondrous acts from times long past. I will meditate on all your works. I will ponder your deeds. God, your way is holiness. Who is as great a God as you, God? You are the God who works wonders. You have demonstrated your strength among all peoples.” So I don't know that Asaph was a journal-er, but what he’s saying is he will remember what God has done and let that inform how he's feeling now. And, so, often when we have kind of journaled our way through a year or through the Bible we’ll always have that so that when we can't remember we have an epistle to ourselves, a letter to ourselves, essentially, that reminds us so that we might remember God's faithfulness toward us, that yes, how we feel, what we’re enduring, what we’re facing, that's real, it's formidable, maybe it's terrifying, maybe scary, maybe it brings anxiety. It’s life. It can be anything. The problem isn't being honest about it, right, so that we fake, like it's not happening, which is so really prevalent in our faith culture. It's…it’s not the honesty that's an issue. It's what we do with it. If we use our honesty to dig a pit that we might wallow in it, we can certainly do that and we’ll stay in the pit, we'll be in the pit until we get out of the pit. What Asaph is modeling is recognizing through honesty that you are at a precipice in making a choice to remember, we’ve been this way before, suffered things before, endured things before, and scared before. God is faithful, and I will remember that. And, so, let's take that into our day. I mean, that right there, I know…I know lots of you are going through stuff and need that today. And, so, thank God, I totally understand. And, so, let's carry it today, that honesty is necessary and important, but it's not the end. It's the beginning. Let's be honest, and then let's remember that God is and has always been faithful.

Prayer:

Father, and we acknowledge that. You are always faithful. We have no examples of a time where You double-crossed anybody. You have always been true. You've always according to the Scriptures had a desire to be in fellowship to draw us to Yourself. We see this on every page of the Bible, Your relentless unwillingness to surrender us and Your continual willingness to pursue our hearts over the course of thousands of years and that hasn't changed. You are faithful and we remember. And come Holy Spirit and bring to mind throughout the course of this day all kinds of time maybe we’ve forgotten that You’ve been faithful and have rescued us. This encourages us. This gives us confidence. This develops our faith. And, so come, we pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Commentary:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base, it's the website, it’s where you find out what's going on around here. And as I say often you can find out what's going on around here using the Daily Audio Bible app as well by pushing the Drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner.

And actually, let’s take a second to talk about that because a number of you, thousands of you have had some problems over the last several days, especially…specifically accessing the Daily Audio Bible through the app or through web. And I could probably sit here and talk for several hours…and I mean…probably hours just about what it's like in the technology world and developing etc. etc. and the way in which it is a nonstop, constant…constant move forward. Just like we do at the Daily Audio Bible, a step forward together every day. But some of the stuff that's happened in the last couple of days that have been frustrating have been frustrating to us too because it's been beyond our control. Essentially, there…not to get too far in the weeds, but there's a way that security is done on the Internet and encrypting things so that data can’t be intercepted or passed along, and we don't have any of that kind of data at the Daily Audio Bible but we follow those protocols. And a major Internet security certificate issuer let their own certificate expire, which ended up affecting hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people, including stores that, you know, couldn’t do transactions, not just Internet stores, but store stores and the Daily Audio Bible was affected as well. So, we've done what we do whenever an issue like this arises or when we see something more widespread. We get together and start dissecting the problem and identifying and figuring out the solution. Sometimes a problem requires a long-term solution. And, so, we have to look long term and short term, but this is the nature of it. And, so, we have been working pretty feverishly to not be relying on those specific certificates or rather, getting them in our own control. And that will make us responsible for them, but it’ll also give us control over them so that if they expire it's our fault. And, so, that is what we are in the process of doing and this should all straighten itself out. This particular issue, almost across the board has affected people who are android users who have an android type device and we were in contact and we were given the same information everybody else is being given, to be sure to advise anyone using an android device to make sure that their operating system is the most current because apparently there are some fixes for issues like this in the most current iteration of…of android. So, I'm passing that information along. And I'll just say like even yesterday, places that are…places that have billions of users, like places way, way, way beyond the Daily Audio Bible like Facebook or Instagram, they were out yesterday or messenger our WhatsApp. They were out yesterday. Totally different issues, but issues. And they have an army of developers. So, just know, it can get crazy out there. And we are, in a way, aloof. Every…well…there’s a team that works on this every day at Daily Audio Bible. And also know that we have developed two different players. One is the Daily Audio Bible app, of course, but we also have an online player that you can access from the Daily Audio Bible website, at dailyaudiobible.com. We've built those two things separately so that we have at least inside of our community here a little bit of redundancy. So, know that if you are ever having an issue with the app just got to player.dailyaudiobible.com and you’ll have a player that is connected to the system and works the same as the app. And a widespread issue like the one we experienced over the weekend and into yesterday, that kinda stuff affects everything. It was affecting hundreds of thousands of people but we work really, really diligently to serve the community here and we always will. And we’re working on some…some longer-term projects that will invariably be incorporated over the next year to stabilize and help us serve even better. And, so, if you experience difficulties, pray for us. Pray for us. It’s so much more effective than hate mail. Pray for us as we pray for you every day. We’re in this together. Also know that we’re experiencing an uptick right now. And, so, I live in the central time zone here in the rolling hills of Tennessee. So, like 5AM to 11AM is when we’re geetin’ hammered. That’s when so many people are accessing the system. Beautiful. Love it. We’re increasing resources in that direction. But if you’re experience sluggishness, just wait. It's that so many people are trying to access the same content that you are. So, be patient for like even a minute, which is…I know that’s pretty hard to do on the internet. We expect super high-speed super quick response. Boom boom boom I push the button and the thing happens. But sometimes when you have…when you push the button you are sending a message out that says to the server, I'm requesting this bit of information then the server computes and collects the information that you want and sends it back. And when a lot of people are asking for the same things at the same times then it cues up. So, just be patient for just a minute. Typically, everything can…can sort itself out. But anyway, I don’t want to get into the weeds here. Just pray for us as we pray for you as we continue to take the next step forward together because it is the deepest passion to bring the spoken word fresh every single day and brought to you excellently. When that has to happen seven days a week without fail invariably, sooner or later there are challenges. The team that works on all of this technology are also a part of who we are and listen to the Daily Audio Bible every day as well. So, pray for us. We’re in this together.

And, of course, as always if you have a prayer request or you have an encouragement you can hit the Hotline button in the app, which is the little red button up at the top or you can dial…you see the redundancy here…you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that is it for today. I'm Brian. I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Good morning my name is Z and I'd like to thank everyone in the DAB community for supporting each other. This is a beautiful beautiful forum. And the purpose of my call is to ask for prayer for myself as I undergo some challenges and uneasiness at work at present. I'm feeling unfulfilled, unappreciated and have been in my position for four years. It's…it pays the bills and I have a wonderful team of people under me, but my issue is leadership. I feel that it could be better and it's frustrating at present to the point where I feel like I…I want to leave. I’m just hoping to find wisdom to make the right decision. I hope to…to get a sign from God as to what I should do in this situation. I can't continue to be frustrated day in and day out in that environment in which I spend most of my…my day. So, I pray brothers and sisters, I ask for your prayer that I find the wisdom to make the right decision and get through this. Thank you.

Daily Audio Bible this…this prayer is for Alicia from Colorado who used to live in Montana. Alicia is blind and she just is recovering from COVID and she doesn't have her sense of taste or smell back and she's going through lots of fear and unsteadiness and…and lots of crying in depression and so understandable especially if you're blind and…and…and, you know, and possibly alone. Father we lift up Alicia to you right now in the name of Jesus. We pray that you give her a hope and a faith that surpasses all this fear because opposite of fear…opposite of faith is fear. And Alicia the scripture says hope deferred makeith the heart sick but long and fulfilled is the tree of life. We pray that you will have this hope that you will get your…your taste back and the smell of food back so that you can eat and get your body strong again. Alicia, I…I know from just being here in Florida and the people that I know they still it takes months sometimes it takes up to 6 to 12 months to get…to get your taste and smell back. But we know God honor's prayer and God is healing you and we claim that right now in the name of Jesus, that you will get it back quickly. So, we claim that right now. DABbers please agree with me in Jesus’ name for Alicia and we lift her up to you in Jesus’ name we pray that you give her the peace that's surpasses all understanding and…and a vast amount of faith and we come against depression and we pray that you fill her up with your joy and your peace in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Hi this is Just as I am Sam in Northern California my first-time calling in. I started listening to Daily Audio Bible in 2019 and I'm totally hooked. I love how Brian just can make sense out of the Bible and put it in such understandable terms. So, thank you so much for that. And I would like to ask for prayer for myself. I'm having an MRI tomorrow. That's on Friday. And I have chronic pain in my spine and back and I'm just praying that Jesus will light it up and…and show the doctors what's going on. I've struggled with this pain for over 15 years, and we would like to get help and answers. So, I'd appreciate your prayers. And I’m praying for all of you as well. And it's been a wonderful group and help in times of loneliness and I love you all. Thank you. God bless you.

Hello this is Ruth __. I'm calling to thank you Brian, Jill, China for devoting your life to this __. I have in my heart there was a call that came in last week with a mother who was talking about her children. She had many. I think she might have mentioned she had nine children. And they were molested by their father and the father has been put in jail. And I lift the children up to you Lord and their mother. I just…my heart breaks just knowing that they've gone through such horrible situation. I know that You can rectify this. I know that she can bring them back and make them whole, so they don't spend their lives worrying about this all the time. Lord and I also I want to ask for prayer for my family. I have a daughter who's stepped away from me for reasons I never understand, and I need to have her back again. I also have a grandson who is not doing well, and he has stepped away from the family. I lift them all up to You Lord. You can…You can heal this family and bring them back. I thank you. Thank you all I love each one of you and I try to remember to pray for you each and every day. Thank you.

Hey this is Jerry calling from Duluth Minnesota. So appreciated the words this morning of Brian Friday October the first…actually Saturday October the second. It's a day 890 of my renewed journey in the Daily Audio Bible. Some of you have been here many years know me as Jerry the Paper Carrier from Duluth MN. Back in April 26th of 2019 I renewed my commitment to the Daily Audio Bible. Now it's been 890 days without a miss getting up early in the morning starting my day with the Daily Audio Bible. Appreciate your prayers through the years and wanted to particularly today pray for Brian…Byron sorry in Florida. You've been such a blessing to me over the many years. Pray for your wife who's dealing with so many health issues and have for so many years. And Charlie from Houston who's been wife has been dealing with lupus and now has found out that there is difficulty with the heart and lungs. And Byron thank you so much to for sharing that…that little story as far as the bus stop is concerned and for taking time even through really difficult times to look at the little things and remember what God has done for us. Also thank you Brian again for reminding us as far as the journal. I remember when you told the story of the black wing pen…pencil's when your mom was had…was passing away. I've journaled now I've for many…many many months and years since…

Good morning, everybody I’m Ms. Jomiah God is Coming and I want to pray for Byron from Florida. I wanted to pray for his wife and that his wife becomes healthy, and that God is always helping you and He'll be on your side no matter what. So, thank you Byron for sharing your story because that means a lot to people and thank you so much. So, as we pray in Jesus’ name Amen.

[atxlxs]

Beyond The Veil: Chapter 9

As she and Aizawa approached the door to the principal's office, she noticed he went to slow down to knock but Eras wasn’t dumb.

She saw that camera hidden in the wood of the door.

Without missing a beat, she walked forward through the now open doors as Aizawa faltered for half a second. Muttering the words ‘fuckin rat’ under his breath and Eras took a sharp breath as she held back a snort. Instead, she turned her attention to Nedzu and All Might. The latter was sitting on a couch and the minute Eras turned her head to him and sniffed, she could smell the metallic scent of blood. He was covered in the scent. A tell tale sign of injury.

Not that she didn’t know about that before she entered the room.

Is it really that surprising for a few people to figure out a national secret when it was literally walking around?

“Ah Eras-san,” of course the rat had listened in on their conversation at the gate, “Welcome, please have a seat. Tea?” Nedzu asked, his tone deceptively light.

“Thank you, If you have any green tea that would be delightful. I can only stomach certain kinds of tea.” That was a lie, well kind of. In reality Eras just didn’t like most human drinks or food, preferring coffee and Boba to just tea. Green Tea’s are the only kind she can have without it tasting like getting hit in the face with a bunch of spices. A consequence of her vampire attributes.

“Of course, I'll prepare that right away!” Eras nodded and watched as Nedzu started making the tea before taking her gaze off of him to settle it on the #1 pro.

She narrowed her eyes.

The man flinched.

Good.

“Before we start Nedzu,” an flip of the tail told her he was listening, “I think we could agree that All Might should save his time for when the Bakugo’s get here considering it would be a shock for them to see the hero deflate like a balloon after a 5 year old’s birthday party.”

All Might instantly deflated and started hacking up blood. Nedzu was cackling and Eras could hear the softly muttered ‘deserved’ from behind her where Aizawa was standing, leaned against the wall.

“How?!?” All Might stammered. Eras just sighed and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, her face the picture of unimpressed.

“You are a walking national secret that could potentially throw the country of japan into chaos with merely announcing said injury. I believe it's quite honestly predictable that at least someone would know about it. Besides, Nedzu wasn’t the only individual trying to get access to the veil. People in the veil are beyond what constitutes as human. Especially when it comes to life expectancy. Some people who wish to live long lives to further their ideals come to the veil seeking answers. Supervillains and the like.” The man's face paled at the last part and Eras felt a bit of relief at that.

At least he wasn’t a total idiot when it came to reading between the lines.

(Eras had been keeping track of All for One since she learned of his existence. Even after the man supposedly died, she made sure to keep an ear out.)

“Besides, even if I didn’t know beforehand, as you’ve demonstrated you're consistently either covered in blood, or seconds away from expelling it. I could smell it the moment I walked in here.” Eras stated simply. Reveling in the man’s confused fear.

That was until a tea cup was placed in front of her.

Nedzu was vibrating with glee.

Oh. Oh no. She had forgotten Nedzu didn’t know what race she was yet. Fuck.

“Thank you.” she said, conveniently ignoring her slip up. What he doesn’t know can’t be used against her.

“You're quite welcome. The Bakugo’s will be here in another 20 minutes since it does take a bit of time to arrive from their place of work.” The rat smiled that polite smile that grated her nerves wrong. That was the fake smile of something inhuman trying to act as society demands.

Just like her own tight lipped smile.

She sighed and turned to Nedzu. Eyes that were once black were now glowing a toxic green as she allowed herself to smile fully, fangs displayed for everyone in the room to see. Ignoring the sharp intake of breath from the occupant still leaned against the wall and sputtering All Might, Eras kept her gaze on Nedzu. Conveying with her inhuman qualities that she wouldn’t judge him.

The feral smile she got in return was satisfying.

“You can ask Nedzu. You have 20 minutes after all.” Eras allowed her eyes to dim back to their black and returned to her usual smile.

Nedzu kept his feral smile in place as his eyes gleamed and Eras came to a conclusion. She liked the chimera. Sure she will still call him rat man and other nicknames but he was truly just curious. Also, he stopped at verbal answers instead of testing every and anything like the elves.

“Based on what I’ve seen, you're a vampire. Though you do greatly contradict the basic stereotype for your kind found in lore and novels. Evident especially with the green glow we were allowed to witness, as well as having short fangs on the bottom row of teeth with the usual top and longer ones. Is that the norm or are you different?”

Right for the gut huh? Eras returned her sharp smile to her face. She could appreciate intellect and getting to the heart of a matter quickly and efficiently.

“As you’ve already hypothesized,” she saw Nedzu’s grin grow wider, “I am not normal for my kind. Specifically, my title is an ‘Origin’, in lore and new veil members though, I am referred to as a pureblood. True to the name, I was born the way I am a long time ago.”

“How intriguing. Muska had informed us before but vampires were the original members of the veil and held most of the information. I won’t press for more since we were already told we were going to be limited, however what exactly is the hierarchy like for Vampires? I assume Origin is a title for someone relatively high on the social hierarchy.”

Eras leaned back in her chair, sighing a bit as she remembered the fact that she was directly involved in politics, even if she was only called upon for those meetings, but she shook her head to get back on track.

“Essentially, we are ruled through clans, which then are ranked socially and politically by generation. Not generation as in blood descendants but generation by creation.” Eras shifted a bit as she gestured to her fangs. “Purebloods can create vampire brethren, fledglings, through a process I will not explain for reasons. These are known as 1st generations and resemble what you’re used to except things like weakness to silver and garlic. Honestly, I have no clue as to where that comes from. As you expect, anyone they turn are 2nds and they make 3rds. There are rules in place for those who are 4th generation though because at that point, for unknown reasons, the created creature is not a vampire but a Parafron, a bloodthirsty hunter that loses its mind within the first 100 years.”

Nedzu seemed to catch the implication because his eyes seemed to gleam brighter, if that was possible.

“You're a clan leader.” He simply stated. Eras nodded with a small smirk.

“Yes, as you may have noticed, I have a… mark... on my neck. Contrary to belief, I didn’t get a tattoo. I was born with it to mark what clan I’m from. A side effect from being an origin. My clan, however, is smaller than the rest due to my specific responsibilities that come with the mark.”

She could tell Nedzu noticed she was skirting around names and titles. Thankfully the chimera simply nodded and looked towards his computer. His smile dimmed and the gleam faded from his eyes as he turned back.

“Seems the Bakugo’s have arrived! Present Mic is currently meeting and leading them here.”

Eras nodded and she returned her now narrowed gaze to an All Might who squirmed. He had definitely forgotten her ire during her and Nedzu’s convo.

A mistake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muska was very concerned.

Why?

Greenie was very concerning.

When Eras had left, Muska turned back to greenie who had been spluttering still from Eras' blatant appreciation for saving her ass. The teen looked shocked, as if he didn’t just save her from third degree chemical burns. Sighing, which grabbed the teen’s attention back to her, Muska raised an eyebrow and stared at Midoriya.

“Did you expect her not to thank you? You literally dragged me out of the way of an explosion while I was frozen. Admittedly, not my best moment. You acted just like a hero and all that jazz, you deserve the thanks. Oh btw, when Eras means if you need anything, she means if you need anything. Even hiding a body she’d help as long as she gets plausible deniability.” Muska said, watching as very green eyes started to water.

At the last bit, Midoriya let out a wet snort and held a hand to his mouth to muffle it. Then he darted up, ramrod straight, as he returned wide eyes to Muska’s. He seemed to search her for something which made Muska more than just a little confused.

“Do you mean it?”

It was softly said. She almost didn’t hear it, but when she did she was even more confused.

“Mean what?”

“That I acted like a h-hero?”

“Of course? Why would I lie about that?” she asked, confusion lacing every word in genuine puzzlement.

It seemed that was the breaking point because Midoriya broke out into sobs. Not knowing what to do, Muska stared wide-eyed as her new friend(?) started to break down in front of her. Not knowing if touch would help, which she also really didn’t want to do because she wasn’t fond of contact with people she didn’t know well (nor did she know what to say), she just stared awkwardly. The part that worried her most though, was how near silent his crying was. As if he wouldn’t, no couldn’t, make a sound.

The sobs tapered off and Muska sat up and turned towards Midoriya. She made sure he calmed down enough to listen, but not quite enough for the sheepish ‘I’m sorry’ to finish coming out of his mouth.

“It's a fine greenie. If you’d be willing, mind explaining if I did something wrong? I also assume I’m on friendship level one considering it’s the second day of school so I don’t expect answers but I’d appreciate a heads up. Are they at least happy tears?” Muska made sure her features were softer than normal, a hard earned skill since she had a resting bitch face that scared people away when she wasn’t focused on playing nice.

That and the barking. Could you blame her if it worked in keeping assholes away?

Midoriya snapped his head up and started throwing his hands around in a rejection gesture before he whipped off excess tears in order to speak over the floodgates of his eyes. Seriously, he could probably fill a bathtub.

“Oh no no, these are happy tears! It’s just, no one has ever really said that to me before. The hero thing. So I was just… really happy?” A hand raised to sheepishly hold the back of Greenie's neck as left over tears spilled and a bright red blush poked through tan freckled skin.

“Why wouldn’t they? I mean Hero’s seem pretty important to Japanese society so like, there must have been a few?” Muska said. This conversation was giving her very bad vibes. Like curtains that block you from seeing someone in a hospital bed. All ominous and nerve wracking.

“I uh-” He cuts off, thinking hard about what he was about to say. He glanced over a few times, soaking in the honest confusion on her face, and possibly going over every detail of their meetings so far this year.

“I- I well, I may have manifestedmyquirkduringtheentranceexam-” Midoriya stuttered and launched the words out of his mouth fast enough that they were barely intelligible, only to slam his mouth shut with a click and wide eyes.

“Ok? I am…. Still very confused here. What does manifesting your quirk that late have to do with the hero bit? Granted that does explain your lack of control.” Muska added, somewhat regretting the last bit when Midoriya flinched,

Then, he shot up ramrod straight and disbelief started to enter his eyes as he processed her last statement.

“I was- I was quirkless most of my life?” He added, his posture defensive and prepared to take a hit. Emotionally or physically.

“So?”

A minute passed. Then 2 more.

Midoriya promptly burst into tears again and Muska sighed. A world weary heavy sigh.

She’s so done with everything today.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

@baguettehead

[rsadelle]

The best books I read in 2020

I read 167 books in 2020, which is a little more than one and a half times as many as I read in 2019. (I had a crisis of counting at one point when I read a string of novellas, but ultimately came down on the side of if I can check out the ebook from the library as a single volume, then it counts as a book for the purposes of my list.) Only ten of those are books I reread, which is a fairly low reread number/percentage for me. The large number of books I read this year made it extra difficult to narrow down a small number of the best ones, which is why this list is longer than in previous years. It is, in fact, long enough that I have put it behind a cut to spare your dash.

Top 11 fiction books/series I read for the first time in 2020

Bread Alone trilogy (Bread Alone, The Baker's Apprentice, and Baker's Blues) by Judith Ryan Hendricks - I so enjoyed this trilogy about bread baking and figuring out your life and building a home/community and love. I read it at the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone was baking bread, and it was one of those things I was sad to finish because I didn't want to leave the characters.

Never Have I Ever by Joshilyn Jackson - I have read a lot of suburban housewife with a secret books over the last couple of years. This was an excellent example of the genre with the good use of a thematic motif and a second secret reveal after you learn what you think is the biggest secret. Content notes: I had to skim a few chapters because of the large amount of weight and disordered eating content (which is relevant to the character), and there is sexual abuse of a young teenager by an adult as part of the story.

The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin - This was such an interesting concept and done so well. It was one of the most popular books my sci fi book club read this year, and the New Yorker in our group said it was her favorite New York book ever. The most disappointing part of this book is that it's the first book in a trilogy and the other books haven't been published yet. Content notes: eldritch horror and realistic racism.

The Sci-Regency Series (My Fair Captain, The Englor Affair, My Regelence Rake, Diplomatic Relations, and My Highland Laird) by J.L. Langley - The delightfully ludicrous premise of this series is that there is a gay Regency society in space, which makes for some really fun romances. I've loved this series for over a decade, and I was thrilled to reread the first three books before reading the two new books that came out this summer. I recommend reading the novels in order, as there is an overarching plot involving the Intergalactic Navy that is interesting and ongoing without overshadowing the romances. Content note: these are on the erotica end of the romance spectrum, which means they have very explicit sex scenes. I wrote a lot more about this series in a Yuletide promo post comment.

The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo - I was so sad to finish this book! I have read a lot of commercial/literary fiction about families in the past few years, and this might be my favorite. I found the characters really compelling and enjoyed seeing their differing perspectives. I didn't want to leave this family.

Throne of Glass series (Throne of Glass, Crown of Midnight, Heir of Fire, Queen of Shadows, Empire of Storms, Tower of Dawn, and Kingdom of Ash) by Sarah J. Maas - This YA fantasy series shouldn't work given its constant escalation, and yet, somehow it does. I greatly enjoyed it, and I cried more than once at the last book. This is a series where I recommend not reading anything about future books until you've read all the books before them so you can enjoy the continual reveals. These are very much genre novels, and if you don't like the genre, these books will not be for you. Content note: there is a lot of genre-typical violence.

The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai - I admit that I was mildly skeptical about this book given that what I knew about it was that it was a story about the AIDS epidemic where one of the two timelines is about a woman trying to reconnect with her daughter, but I ended up loving it. The two alternating timelines fit together beautifully, and I thought it did a good job of not eliding the horror of the AIDS epidemic experienced by the gay community in favor of the straight woman's experience. I do remain skeptical of how many awards it won; while it was a genuinely excellent book, I also know that awards bodies love dead queer people.

We Set the Dark on Fire and We Unleash the Merciless Storm by Tehlor Kay Mejia - I loved this YA dystopianish (more cultural class divide than apocalypse or singular villain in control) duology about queer women falling in love while working toward revolution. The world building was good, the plot was good, and the romance was good.

Sisters of the Vast Black by Lina Rather - This novella about an order of nuns who travel through space in an organic slug-like spaceship was absolutely wonderful. It deals with issues of faith, purpose, central control, and doing what you can to make the world a better place.

Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson - I loved this YA novel in a sort of Regency-ish setting about a girl who grew up in a library full of magic books and her dealings with some sorcerers, complete with a romance. Content note: attempted mental coercion and institutionalization.

The Wren Hunt and The Wickerlight by Mary Watson - This is a YA duology about rival druid groups in modern day Ireland. I found both books totally compelling with interesting druid politics and magic. It was also really interesting how well we get to see the worst of both sides of the rival druid groups in the two different books.

Top 5 books/series I read and then thought about a lot in 2020

The Twisted Ones by T. Kingfisher - A friend recommended the author to me. This particularly book is a supernatural horror novel I don't necessarily recommend. However, I have continued to think about elements of it since I read it. (Before you @ me about the author's other work, this was the third of her books I read and the other two were in the more beloved fantasy novel genre.)

The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette Kowal - I actually didn't like this book that much. We read it for a book club, and it had an interesting concept that wasn't super well executed. However, I have thought about elements of it a lot since then, particularly in comparison to some of the other sci fi I encountered this year.

Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir - I don't know how much "I actively thought about these a lot" describes my actual experience of having read these, but given their popularity and the number of conversations I had about them, I can't omit them from this post entirely. I liked the first one once I figured out what kind of story it actually was, had absolutely no idea what was happening at any point in the second one, and discovered with both of them that I have a much more limited vocabulary than I thought, at least when it comes to death-related words. I am invested enough that I will read the third book when it comes out, but probably won't read any more of the author's work beyond that. If you want to know more about what I thought, I wrote a very spoilery post about them.

The Sixth World (Trail of Lightning and Storm of Locusts) by Rebecca Roanhorse - This is a pair of novels set in a post-apocalyptic world where there's a magically/divinely-erected wall around Dinétah (the Navajo lands). The worldbuilding and characters are so interesting, and it's a series where some of the details stuck with me and I would randomly think of them. I'm looking forward to reading one of her other books in a few months for my sci fi book club.

Wild Mercy: Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the Women Mystics by Mirabai Starr - This was one of two books about women mystics I read and disliked this year, and the more disappointing of the two as I'd heard an interview with the author that I found interesting. I continued to think about this one a lot in an angry, "and another thing!" way, which did help me articulate more of the things I dislike about new age-ish framing of "feminine" wisdom/divinity/knowledge.

Top 3 non-fiction books I read in 2020

The Vagina Bible: The vulva and the vagina - separating the myth from the medicine by Dr. Jen Gunter - This is probably better as a reference work than as a straight read-through, but it was interesting enough to read straight through. The book is deeply rooted in science and facts, and she has a whole chapter on "Vaginas and Vulvas in Transition" specifically about anatomy for trans people.

Here All Along: Finding Meaning, Spirituality, and a Deeper Connection to Life - in Judaism (After Finally Choosing to Look There) by Sarah Hurwitz - This is a useful, contemporary introduction to Judaism from someone who shares a lot of my values. The first half is an introduction to Jewish thought, while the second half focuses more on spirituality and practice. The book is part general introduction and part spiritual memoir. I found it deeply inspirational and I added it to a wish list of books I want to own copies of (I read it as a library ebook) because I would like to both reread it in hardcopy where I can easily flip back and forth and use it as a resource for further study and reading.

You Can Draw in 30 Days by Mark Kistler - You may remember that I wrote more about this when I originally finished reading the book. I found it a gentle, funny, helpful book to teach you the basics of drawing.

The 2 authors I read the most in 2020

Jennifer Lynne Barnes - I read fifteen of her books in three weeks in January, when I was still working full time, and a sixteenth after it was published later in the year. Her books are fast-read YA novels that are deeply engaging and generally have some sort of mystery element to them which may or may not involve family secrets. She has a tendency to write variations of the same characters, which meant that I enjoyed mentally mapping the characters from various books onto characters from other books. Also, her werewolf trilogy does one of my favorite werewolf story things that you almost never see (but it doesn't happen until the end of the first book, so I won't spoil it by telling you what it is). Many of her books involve violence, so heed the summaries or email/message me if you want some content notes.

Laura Lippman - I read nineteen of her books this year, eighteen novels and a non-fiction essay collection. She's an excellent mystery writer with a distinctive voice. The time I read four of her books in four days, I found myself thinking in her style. Even if I hadn't otherwise enjoyed My Life As A Villainess, her essay collection, it would have been worth reading just for the kicker on "The Thirty-First Stocking." Content note: her novels frequently involve violence or its aftermath.

[geezsims]

Doctor Amber Gonzalez — interview for @toxoplasmajuice​’s Atkins’ MMBC!

1. Tell me a little about yourself. Y'know, name, pronouns, age, where you’re from, anything else you might say if I asked you, “Who are you?”

I’m Amber. Well, I should say Amber Gonzalez, or Dr. Gonzalez if you want to be formal. I’m hoping you won’t be for too long... [chuckles drily] It’s hardly the time for formalities, wouldn’t you agree? I feel similarly about pronouns, if you must know—a tedious necessity while we remain shackled by language as it is now. [another chuckle] TL;DR: you’re welcome to use whatever pronouns take your fancy, though I tend to default to ‘they/them’ for the sake of ease. I’m 21 years, three months, and sixteen days old.

As for who I am... I am an acolyte of science. Always pushing the boundaries of what can be accomplished through the power of the mind. [momentary pause] I’m not sure there’s much to know about me beyond that.

2. Before the world ended, did you have any long-term goals? Where would you picture yourself in the future if the future didn’t crumble in front of our eyes?

There were countless projects amongst which I was dividing my time. The memory’s a bit... blurry around the edges, but I’m pretty sure my primary focus at the time would have been cloning. Or was it robotics? [shakes head] No matter. Many of my resources have gone kaput in the aftermath, but that isn’t going to stop me from dedicating myself to other scientific endeavours. Even if I have to resort to... [shudders] anthropology.

3. Any talents or skills? What about hobbies?

My skills are mostly restricted to science and research, though I’ve been known to dabble in the occult when the mood takes me. Alchemy especially is a dear hobby of mine, and one that doesn’t require anywhere near the amount of power demanded by my large-scale experiments.

Mh... after giving it some thought, I should also add that I have another hobby. One that doesn’t slot quite as neatly into my pioneering lifestyle, but that may be of interest to Clyde. It may also shed some light as to why I’m here, ah... [coughs] Let’s just say that some of my bags coming here are weighed heavy with hurriedly salvaged romance novellas. For reasons I cannot rationally explain I simply can’t get enough of those formulaic love stories!

4. If you feel like sharing, what was your love life like before this? Totally fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.

[another cough] If you must know... apart from the aforementioned literature things have been pretty quiet on the romance front for me. I’ve just never found the time for anything more serious than the occasional fling with a spicy lab assistant.

5. Besides the sanctuary part, what made you sign up for this BC?

I, ah, would like to meet Clyde. Very much, in fact. But I won’t pretend that some safety and security to get back on track with my experimentation doesn’t hold a certain appeal. Given the circumstances, I’m sure most if not all the contestants are going to be bringing some sort of ulterior motive to the table.

6. Okay, okay, hot take: this question is fucking stupid. First of all, MMBCs have happened even with this question, so it’s not even protecting anybody. Second, if we really needed this information–or if the network did–there’s better ways to do background checks. You can just lie here. You can literally just lie.[*] Third, it’s just so vague. Sure, if you’ve got some degree of murder on your record, maybe that would be important, but–what, being caught with a gram of weed in the summer of ‘15 is supposed to tell me you might be a murderer? And, most importantly, it blatantly contributes to the stigma against felons. Non-violent criminals, people who’ve changed for the better, people who were falsely accused–we’re basically saying all of them might as well be murderers. And I’m not for that. But the program we’re doing this through is requiring that I ask, so, whatever: do you have a criminal record?

Not that I know of. I seem to remember some former test subjects, ah... holding a bit of a grudge, but I don’t recall any charges. As I’ve mentioned previously, my memory is not the best, but I doubt I would forget something as grave as that.

7. Anyway. Random fact about you?

Hmm... how about this: due to a past experiment, there is always a slight current of electricity about my person. My hair often crackles and stands on end depending on what sort of floor I’m standing on. Oh, and I’ve taken to wearing these gloves most of the time to avoid giving people nasty electric shocks when they come into contact with me.

8. Is there anything important I should know about you? Health-related stuff, ancient curses following you, that sort of thing?

Barring my spotty memory, my body and mind are pretty robust. There are some other side-effects from my experimentation which surface from time to time—glowing eyes, erratic sleep schedule, energy bursts followed by severe lethargy...—but nothing so serious as an ancient curse. Apart from my own hubris, which is scheduled to catch up with me any day now. [laughs] That was a joke.

9. Is there anything or anyone you had to leave behind to come here? (This one’s optional, too.)

Ah, no. No one. [drily] Just the proverbial smoking ruins of my life’s work and a dozen or so lab rats.

10. What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when things calm down and we can leave the BC house again?

It all depends on the state of the world then. I’m a highly adaptive person. If my abilities are required in the aftermath, I’ll provide as best I can, but I’d be equally happy to seal myself away hermetically at the first chance and simply get back to work. There is so much left to be discovered!

OOC questions:

1. May I draw your Sim? (No one’s ever said no to this, but it never hurts to ask, right?)

Of course!

2. Do you have any tips for writing your Sim that you feel the interview and/or your intro post don’t already give me?

She’s often sarcastic and prone to long tangents. And she alternates between quite formal speech and casual informal, bordering on the over-familiar when presented with strangers. Just quite chaotic in general. I can see her not getting along with everybody as she can be pretty wrapped up in her own shit at times, which can come off as self-absorbed, but she also won’t ever judge a book by its cover.

As for the clone thing—she isn’t one, as far as I’m concerned, but due to her excessive experimentation she sometimes worries she can’t prove to herself or others that she isn’t. It keeps her up at night sometimes.

3. I want to start decorating contestants’ rooms this time around. Do you have any pointers as to decorating your Sim’s room? General themes are fine, and if you have any specific objects you want me to put in your Sim’s room (EA content or CC), that’d be great.

Aw, that’s a cute idea! Really just any odd gadgets and doodads, maybe the robot stuff that came with Ambitions (I think? It’s been a while, lol!) rather than the overly fancy/modern stuff from ITF. I’m picturing kind of Spartan sleeping arrangements, metal flooring and/or walls, maybe those biohazard posters (no idea where they were from, sorry). Don’t worry if you can’t find any of those things, that’s just kind of the general vibe I’m imagining. Her favourite colours are bright orange, grey, teal-ish blue and neon green, if that’s useful at all :v

4. Will you generally be around for random questions I have regarding your Sim? I might need random bits of information from everyone from time to time… for reasons. :)

If not here, then on Twitter for sure!

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 34: AMJ #6.1

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

You know I considered ending this series after the initial arc. I may well discontinue it after awhile. But for now at least I am going to press on. Thus begins the second of what I and dead certain will be a shitty arc of AMJ. Pray for me.

Before we dive into the issue I want to quote for you the solicit for this issue:

WELCOME TO NY, MJ! After the CAN’T-MISS events of AMAZING MARY JANE #5, your favorite redhead is back home! First stop: Spider-Man! But has her relationship with Mysterio changed things with the love of her life? Next stop: a press tour! Complete with iconic New York guest-starring gigs, and OH NO WHAT’S THAT?!?

We spent over 10 years of seeing Peter and MJ separated in the 616 universe.

Thanks to Nick Spencer they blessedly got back together.

Across 25 issues we got to see Peter and MJ interact and 99% of the time it was awesome and helped some old and open wounds get a little better.

It wasn’t every issue, but that was good. Don’t want to get indulgent right?

Then this series came along and Peter/MJ interactions got limited again due to the nature of the story.

That was a shame but at least we were going to get a great MJ story right?

Except we didn’t. We got a story that paradoxically simultaneously celebrated MJ whilst also inadvertently character assassinating her and just being a disgusting fucking mess in general.

But here we have MJ back in New York where Spider-Man is. This issue is even promising us an interaction between them.

Sounds good right?

Let’s see if it will deliver.

As always here we get the recap.

And once more it gives us the full title of the movie in spite of the comic yet to have done that.

As for the ‘strength of his vision blah blah blah’, you know the drill by now. That’s all bullshit, Mary Jane would never connect to Beck over that or allow him to walk free because of that.

There is also a passage in the recap claiming that MJ connected to Beck over familiarity with his situation. The idea of this being their last chance to make it big. I’ve already talked about how that’s bullshit, see part 12.

Finally, the recap confirms that MJ has still failed to tell Peter the truth. Nice to know MJ will continue to be hardcore out of character moving forward into this new arc.

As the issue starts we see MJ introduced as a guest on some kind of chat show.

As has been the case throughout the series, the art is (stylistically at least) gorgeous.

Beyond that there is little to about this page. Except of course the fact that Mary Jane has thought captions.

Let me repeat that.

For the first time in six  issues the readers are being given an insight into the thoughts of title character!

You know, if this were a brand new run, a re-launch or even say the beginning of an outright new era for a series maybe that’d be okay.

But it isn’t. It’s the same run, the same volume, the same story, merely the next arc. This is like if Nick Spencer hadn’t used thought captions throughout the first five issues of his ASM run but then randomly did for the Trivia Night storyline with Boomerang.

Thought captions are perhaps one of the single most potent weapons in the arsenal of a comic book writer. It allows for immense development of characters and enables writers to combine the strength of prose stories with those of more visual mediums.

Now, it’s not that it’s bad to simply not use them. But be consistent. Thought captions would’ve gone a long way in helping us understand Mary Jane better in the first arc along with elaborating upon her asinine decisions there.

Not to mention for a character so often written off as shallow or just eye candy wouldn’t an insight into her thoughts have helped dispel such accusations? Jed Mackay has been doing that pretty consistently since the first issue of his Black Cat run. There it has done wonders for Felicia and fleshed her out more.

It’s especially bad when we consider we got more of an insight into MJ’s thoughts and feelings in one issue  of Nick Spencer’s ASM run than in the entire five prior issues of her solo title.

Anyway, as her interview with Reilly Redding begins there is some quips and verbal jousting going on. Reilly asks if the movie has wrapped but MJ explains that McKnight and the crew are still shooting in L.A. Reilly asks if MJ is sure about that.

This isn’t a positive, more a general observation. I’m not overly familiar with chat shows, let alone American ones, but to my eyes the host seems influenced by Ellen DeGeneres.

Anyway, let me dispense with the pettiest of gripes first. I hate Reilly’s hairstyle. I hate that hairstyle in general. To me it looks really stupid, like you went for a haircut but gave up halfway through. That’s not in anyway shape or form a fair criticism. I totally own that. It is just a tiny point that really bothers me personally.

On the more positive side, Williams continues her frustrating tendency to nail  MJ’s personality traits within a problematic context. MJ’s social skills are one of her greatest powers and here her charisma and ability to play verbal tennis with Reilly is executed superlatively. When Williams does stuff like this she delivers some of the best Mary Jane writing in a long time. Which is why I hate saying and believing that she shouldn’t work on the character over all. She makes traits of MJ shine whilst nevertheless damaging the character over all.

Case in point, the movie is still filming right? And the Vulture (and probably the other members of the Savage Six) are still out there. Let’s be kind and presume they are in a new secret location. That means Vulture will still want to find out where they are, so all the people (and their families) from issue #4 are still going to be harassed by the Vulture’s paparazzi gang and potentially threatened by the six themselves.

Oh well, MJ still DGAF I guess.

Guess she doesn’t care that she’s appearing in public (in NYC of all places!) in spite of six villains now holding a very direct grudge against her.

Also, we FINALLY get the full name of the movie in the story itself, not the recap pages.

As the interview continues, MJ takes questions from the audience. One man asks what it’s like for her to play a real hero for the first time considering she’s played normal female roles before.

MJ responds that they are all heroes to her. She doesn’t really make the female role distinction quite the same way either. It’s more like she plays a hero who is also a woman.

The next question is about the weird press speculation about Cage McKnight’s conduct. The woman asking the question wants to know what he’s really like. MJ responds that he’s great, just dedicated to the craft and protective of his crew. She points out the paparazzi didn’t take kindly to him because he in turn didn’t take kindly to them hounding the movie.

Reilly then reveals McKnight is here for the interview.

Once more, Williams (with a huge help from Gomez’s art) conveys the charisma and social savvy of MJ here. Gomez’s body language demands particular praise. He conveys MJ’s beauty, flirtation, charm, etc. And he does it on multiple levels. The subtle genius of this page is how Gomez captures MJ putting on a performance for the public, to convince them she’s being utterly genuine and casual.

As for the dialogue, the best faith interpretation of the man’s question, he meant MJ has never played a super hero before, just normal non-powered women. He didn’t mean stereotypical female roles. That interpretation makes MJ’s response make more sense than if the former was the intent. So I’ll give Williams a pass and presume that was in fact her intent.

As for the second question it further highlights the unethical nature of allowing Mysterio to impersonate McKnight. The real McKnight has a lot of gossip and a new public image that was not of his own making. It wasn’t even an unfair fabrication by the press, it existed specifically because someone else was using his name, face and reputation for personal gain.

Also the audacity of Williams to directly reference issue #4 where Ken was harassed by the Vulture’s paparazzi squad but just ignore the fact that that should still be going on.

To MJ’s confusion Cage McKnight joins the interview. However, he doesn’t seem to know anything about the movie at all. He says the first he heard of the movie was when he was contacted for the interview. Meanwhile MJ frantically contacts Beck on her phone. Reilly notices and calls MJ out just before Beck confirms he’s still in L.A.

To MJ’s horror she realizes she’s sitting next to the real Cage McKnight who’s returned from his penguin expedition. Reilly asks why he came on the show if he doesn’t remember movie. Cage responds that just because he doesn’t remember making the movie doesn’t mean he didn’t. he explains that in the past he’s made movies in ‘artistic fugues’ and presumes this is just one such time.

*pinches bridge of nose*

Oh my Gooooooooood this is so dumb.

I get the desire to have humour in a story for the sake of levity. But the world of Spider-Man is not even remotely a borderline Deadpool or Harley Quinn or Lobo comic book. The humour doesn’t come from absurdity or a cartoonlike breaking of logic and reality.

And make no mistake, this is absurd. Scratch that, it’s contrived to the nth degree.

First of all I’m not that well read up on fugue states so I briefly consulted Wikipedia who had this to say:

Dissociative fugue, formerly fugue state or psychogenic fugue, is a dissociative disorder[1] and a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality, and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state can last days, months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. It is a facet of dissociative amnesia, according to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

-Wikipedia

Basically a fugue state is a sort of similar condition to Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as having a split personality. Only instead of an individual’s psyche fracturing into different personalities that take dominance, it’s someone’s mind running away with itself and becoming someone else. The individual forgets aspects of who they are and becomes someone else.

A very good example within fiction can be found in the Doctor Who episode ‘The Next Doctor’. In it a man named Jackson Lake suffers a traumatic experience and in the midst of it (through a sci-fi gizmo) absorbs a lot of information on the character of the Doctor. His traumatized mind consequently decides to imitate what it regards as the Doctor.

What I’m saying is McKnight’s dialogue about his fugues are very probably bullshit unless someone can cite evidence to the contrary. 

Using the above description though McKnight has gotten this rare  psychiatric disorder multiple times and specifically in conjunction with his job as a filmmaker. Yeah, no. Not buying it and neither should you.

Being a film director isn’t a muscle memory skill you can’t forget no matter what. People with amnesia or Alzheimer’s disease do not forget how to play the piano or how to drive. But directing a movie? There are so many moving pieces to that job that rely upon you knowing how equipment and more importantly individual people operate. You have to bear a shitton of theory in mind too. It is physically  impossible to repeatedly  have fugues and then maintain that job.

And even if it was, oh my lord, that is the single most contrived thing in this series yet. Are you SERIOUSLY telling me that Mary Jane and Beck and the entire production got this  lucky. The guy who’s reputation is what the movie is riding on happens  to be someone who repeatedly deals with this incredibly rare mental condition?

Holy shit. That’s Superior Spider-Man levels of contrived.

And yet if you still swallowed all of that it still wouldn’t make sense!

McKnight presumes he made this Mysterio movie in a fugue state right? But he wasn’t, so he would remember his life during that period of time. Meaning that there are lots of public records and personal accounts testifying that he was making the movie at the same time that he  knows he was observing penguins.

If you suffer amnesia or blackouts or DID then there are obviously gaps in time you cannot account for. The overwhelming majority of people who deal with those conditions make a point of keeping track of those gaps, for practical reasons if nothing else. So McKnight would know that there isn’t a gap in time he can’t account for and certainly not for the time period the Mysterio movie has been going for.

Shit, the movie is still  filming! How the Hell does he believe he is still making this movie in a fugue state if he’s consciously aware of lacking any knowledge about it?

Not to mention if he’s been in the Falkland Islands this whole time. A quick Google search informed me that by plane it’d take over 14 hours  to travel between the islands and Los Angeles. How the fuck is anyone supposed to ever commute that distance, let alone regularly. And McKnight sincerely believes he was doing both at the same goddam time?

You couldn’t even argue that McKnight believes he made the Mysterio movie before his penguin expedition. Because the movie is still being made and all his other ‘artistic fugues’ would have a movie as proof of what he was doing during the fugues.

This is just mind-numbingly stupid and lazy writing. It smacks so hard of Williams trying to desperately paper over the holes in her initial story.

More importantly, how fucking stupid is Mary Jane or Beck to never considered this possibility? I don’t mean the fugue bullshit, I mean the idea of McKnight just coming back  from his penguin adventure.

Was Mysterio honestly so incompetent as to have never accounted for that? He seriously never had anything in place to make sure McKnight wouldn’t just decide to cut his journey short? Jesus, and I was dumb enough to buy his line about McKnight spending a year with the penguins.

Even putting that aside, what the flying fuck was MJ and Beck’s plan for when he eventually  came back in the first place? Say he really did spend a year with the penguins then came back to the USA. Suddenly he has a movie with his name attached to it and lots of controversy. Let’s say McKnight’s fugue bullshit added up, there is no indication MJ or beck knew about them. So how the Hell were they planning on getting away with the obvious questions he or his friends or family would have had?

And if they did know about the fugues, why didn’t Williams address that before? That was kind of  a lingering question hanging over the story until now wasn’t it?

God I can’t believe I paid for this!

On the next page MJ spots a guy in an Oni Mask backstage. She presumes he’s there to scare her as part of the show. However, she notices that the P.A.s haven’t seen him. Meanwhile Reilly set up a stupid game for them to play.

I got nothing to say about this page beyond McKnight’s dialogue. Williams is clearly trying to frame the real McKnight in a less than sympathetic manner. There could be many reasons why. I suspect one of the reasons is to incline us more towards Beck’s version of McKnight and to make us not feel as bad about Beck (and MJ) exploiting his identity.

Because being vaguely and lightly sexist means you deserve to have your career, public image, sense of self and life violated and damaged I guess?????????????

As Reilly brings in people from the audience to compete against McKnight and MJ, the latter thinks that there is something weirdly familiar about the Oni-masked man.

I have little to say about this page too.

Reilly’s attitude and facial expressions make me dislike her, even beyond her stupid haircut.

And as for the Oni-Masked man (I’ll just call him Oni for now) my only guess is that he’s affiliated with Mister Negative somehow. He had his goons wear Oni masks at times. And MJ interacted with them and Mister Negative himself in the popular 2018 Spider-Man video game by Insomniac; and it’s adapted comic book City at War. As such perhaps Williams is trying to tie-in or capitalize upon audience familiarity with that.

As MJ plays the dumb game he ponders if Oni could be a lesser member of Peter’s rogue’s gallery. Observing him again she notices him murder a civilian.

The dumb game annoyed me, but that’s just me.

Beyond that all I can say is that MJ’s dialogue about Peter’s rogue’s gallery is interesting. It proves that MJ has at least a working knowledge of Peter’s major foes. Which just further proves she would have been familiar with Mysterio and his crimes, just in case anyone was still clinging to the idea that she wouldn’t.

Also, the art and especially that splash page were beautiful.

Unfortunately for MJ, Oni notices she witnessed his crime. MJ is nervous and backs away in fear, annoying McKnight when she bumps into him. Meanwhile Spider-Man swings across town yelling for to hold on as he is on the way.

Gomez draws a nice Spider-Man.

Anyway, more of Williams making us dislike McKnight, see above for more on that.

MJ backing away in fear has me apprehensive. I don’t know if that’s in character for her. I guess the shock and surprise could’ve thrown her for a loop. And if Oni doesn’t notice her then it gives her a better chance of raising the alarm and capturing him.

I must say, I do like MJ being on the backfoot here after issues #1-5 made her often overconfident and over capable at times (see her nonchalance over the Savage Six in issue #5).

Also, isn’t MJ going to give Oni the benefit of the doubt? Maybe he’s sorry for murdering that guy just now. Maybe he wants to make amends by creating a movie about his life. So why is MJ so scared?

Sure, he just murdered someone, but what is that next to the laundry list of Beck’s crimes?

As it turns out, Spidey wasn’t on his way to save MJ. He was in fact en route to a French restaurant to have dinner with her. He is actually before MJ for a change.

I know Gomez isn’t the only artist on this issue and this doesn’t look like his work. Who ever is drawing it though is doing a very bland depiction of Peter with a overly wrinkly forehead.

The joke about him arriving first for a change was funny though.

Back at the studio, the show wraps up. McKnight insults Reilly’s profession just in case you’ve not realised he is a jerk yet. MJ thinks about persuading everyone to evacuate and searches for her phone. She notices Oni leaving and decides to leave her phone behind.

I already know MJ is going to pursue Oni herself. The stupidity of that aside why the fuck wouldn’t you grab your phone before doing that? You could use it no matter where you wind up and it wasn’t so far away that he’d get that much of a head start.

In fact, if Oni knows MJ is a witness why did he bother hanging around in the first place.

And why didn’t MJ raise the alarm immediately, the worst that would happen is the guy would run away. He’s just stealthily murdered someone and is in a mask. He obviously isn’t going to take the audience hostage, so if her priority is protecting innocents then raising the alarm immediately (or in fact earlier would’ve been her best bet. Yes that’d probably mean he’d have escaped but unlike with say Peter’s origin, getting him the Hell out of there would’ve reduced the immediate threat to the civilians present.

And on top of that if she figures he’s targeting her because she was a witness to his crime then by alerting everyone to his actions she’d have removed his need (at least for the moment) of sticking around to eliminate her, thus getting him away from the audience.

If he’s leaving anyway, MJ could also just grab her phone and put a call in to Peter, her super hero chums or the police and get them on the case immediately. If she was really so determined to go after this guy herself she still could but would’ve had a back up just in case he escapes or kills her. If she fails then she’s insured someone will still pursue him.

And as I copiously detailed in parts 19-22, MJ is not a super hero (and she knows that). She has no idea what this guy’s skills, weapons or powers might be, nor does she know what resources or assistance will be nearby to enable her to survive or subdue him. This isn’t like an armed cop, a martial artist or a super powered person going after a regular crook. She really doesn’t know what she is in for. Even if he is just a normal man, he clearly has a height and weight advantage over her, is obviously willing and capable of chocking a man to death and is armed. MJ meanwhile has little self-defence training, no weapons and hasn’t got the weight or muscle capable of taking him on if she’s backed into a corner. And she’s pursuing him back stage where presumably there is a fair chance of encountering many corners!

I understand that she doesn’t want to endanger innocent people, but there is no point in risking her life there is a much more practical and likely to succeed option available to her. Live to fight another day and all that. Yes the guy might hurt people during or after his escape but that’s a lesser evil vs. going after him herself when she is very unlikely to subdue him, far more likely to die and then the guy will get away without her having passed on any valuable intel on him to someone more qualified to pursue him.

Also once she sees the guy leaving she could just tell everyone the situation and ask the audience to stay put.

Basically if raises the alarm right there on stage and/or calls Peter or the authorities she is over all putting less people in danger and increasing the chances of the guy being apprehended in the long run. But no, instead she is going to gamble on the far slimmer odds that she can capture the guy.

Not to mention, why would the guy even give a shit that MJ saw him? Why would MJ give a shit that she is a witness to his crime? He is wearing a mask! She couldn’t identify him even if she went to the police. It is literally part of the reason her goddam boyfriend wears a mask!

And by the way, are there no security cameras backstage? Wouldn’t MJ consider that or Oni himself?

McKnight apologises to Reilly (so not that much of a jerk I guess) as MJ pursues Oni (barefooted) backstage. As she does this she rehearses what she will say to Peter in her head. This entails telling him that she had to get away from the killer. As she is thinking about this the body of Oni’s victim is discovered. Backstage she comes face to face with Oni who refers to her by name.

Yay. MJ deliberately planning on lying to Peter again. It’s so awesome that Williams understands why this isn’t a really bad idea for the reasons I pointed out in part 17.

By the way, I suspect Oni knows MJ personally rather than just recognizing her work.

I’m actually going to leave it there for now as the next part of the story has a shitton to unpack.

Previous Part

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Master Post

[ravencromwell]

Disability Wealth Gap in the U.S.

Have been pondering the U.S. disability wealth gap a lot over the last few days while simultaneously realizing the lack of familiarity around disability finance outside the fairly narrow disabled community. So here's the disability wealth gap breakdown in the U.S. no one asked for.

Let's get a couple terms out of the way first, on the understanding these are fairly generalized explanations--the accompanying links will give you more broad information.

SSDI is social security disability insurance, available only if you've paid taxes into the social security system, usually for at least five years.

SSI is supplemental security income--a needs-based program for low-asset holding disabled folk, that requires no taxes having been paid into the system.

But! unlike disability insurance, where there's a fairly generous yearly earned income cap and no asset cap, both those things exist with SSI--one of the reasons means-testing is one of neoliberalism's worst evils

Essentially, SSI is the greasy spoon compared to the meat & 3 that's available if you've paid in the system. Your only criteria is being born disabled and low-income. And then are promptly kicked off of if you have assets over $2,000. Yeah, you read that right: no fluffy college degrees if you're disabled. You better make damn sure you get something that'll keep you employed come hell or high water

You'll notice that both the source links are to breakdowns regarding income; I'm not the person to ask about eligibility, particularly when it comes to Social Security disability insurance, having never been one of those lucky tax-paying folks. I'm here to talk assets and economics if you're born disabled and poor. More specifically, how disability--especially when viewed intersectionally with other isms--makes it damn near impossible to escape poverty

So, you're allowed to have $2,000 in assets as a single person and qualify for SSI. Assets, as defined by the social security administration include:

cash

money in a checkings or savings account

cash value in life insurance policies (over $1,500)

stocks and bonds

vehicles (they grant us the grace of one for transportation)

real estate (except our house)

(Source link)

Do a real slow once-over of that list. Barely any life insurance; no easily accessible investment opportunities, and most of all, no easily accessible savings or checking. And this's a flat rate, assessed yearly; your accounts can never, under any circumstances, go over $2,000 in a year. (Easily accessible is an important caveat here, because there are beginning to be some legal work-arounds which I'll address later)

And the SSI payment itself? I'm on the upper-most end, and it comes in at about $800 a month, which you'd better spend within that month, cause remember, no accumulating over $2,000. Average one-bedroom apartment rent in the U.S. in the year of our lord 2019? $1,078. This rent report, while capitalist as hell, in that it celebrates the growth that's sucking everybody dry, is a very good overview of just how bad the rent situation is. If you're insanely lucky, you can scrape an apartment at $601, and if you're shit out of luck, you'll end up at $2,311.

I specifically mention one-bedrooms because disabled folk tend to be shy of apartment-sharing arrangements. There're a lot of reasons for this, from needing to carefully organize our refrigerators by memory to avoid expensive labeling technology (if you really want a trip, go look up the price of a roll of Dymo tape, which's the best kind of tape for inserting into a brailler for labeling.) to serious concerns on the part of nondisabled folk about rooming with us. The fear of being asked to change your life in significant ways or take on responsibilities outside those normally expected of apartment-sharing agreements is one I heartily sympathize with.

And then, there is, of course, disabled folks' healthy fear of crime. This isn't a topic I want to linger over, particularly because I think there is a real danger of inflating carceral myths around crime that've already ravaged poor, majority-minority communities. But it is a reality that disabled folk are three times more likely to be victims of violent crime than their nondisabled counterparts. Just as with many other marginalized folk, we need to take care in our housing situations etc. etc.

The unfortunate reality, however, is that the low-wage work that many marginalized folk rely on for survival is barred to us, especially if we have significant physical or visual disabilities. As a blind person with cerebral palsy, for example, cashier and receptionist are out for me.

There're two vitally important discussions that need to be had that don't fit neatly into this 101 post where I'm specifically using the most universalist language possible to encompass the broadest cross-section of the disability community, but which I want to acknowledge nonetheless: the complete lack of a social safety net, and the fact that even as a dirt-poor white, I'm farther up on the privilege ladder than most people of color.

One of the most enlightening passages of Brittney Cooper's Eloquent Rage is the following:

Skyrocketing childcare costs continue to disadvantage Black families, particularly in households like mine, headed by a single breadwinner mother. According to the Institute for 206Women’s Policy Research, 60.9 percent of all Black families are headed by a single mother who is the breadwinner for the family. Another 20 percent of Black households rely on a married mother as the breadwinner. In every state in the United States, there are more single than married Black mothers. In every state in the United States, there are more married white mothers than single ones. In twenty-four states, the cost of childcare exceeds the cost of rent, and in many states the cost of childcare exceeds the 10 percent income-affordability threshold established by federal agencies.

Consider that many of those single women are also disabled--a definition complicated, I'm beginning to learn, by the racism of the white disability community and many black folks' distrust of identifying with any term that harkens back to eugenics. Especially as utterly baseless, slanderous filth about intellectual or physical inferiority is still propagated as one of the multiple cudgels of racism to this day. (which is one of the reasons, honestly, that I'm doing this post; because disability, and the financial limitations thereof, often intersect with the movements against police brutality in ways not immediately apparent. If we as disabled folk are three times as likely to be victims of violent crime, you know! black disabled people, be that an identity they embrace or no, are going to be more vulnerable.)

But I also bring up Cooper's point above because it highlights the scarcity of resources and general social mobility. I've been trying to obtain a housing voucher for years. This would allow me to set aside some of my SSI money--in those legal work-arounds I'll touch on in a moment. Not a lot, mind you, but enough to build on a slight savings foundation. As a person with disabilities, I'm even considered high-priority. But there simply are no openings. The waiting list is lengthy, and gets lengthier every year. Because the people reliant on said vouchers can't gain better-paying employment. * So they need those vouchers, and the state and federal government refuse to create more. (And understand, this goes beyond simple dem or gop administration categories. I was as thoroughly fucked, housing-voucher wise, under the Obama admin as the Trump one. There is a fundamental housing crisis HUD has failed to grapple with, of rising rent and shrinking availability for low-income individuals. This failure has been a long time in the building, and just happens to disproportionately impact those of us with disabilities.)

In a system where the statistics Cooper cites are a grim reality for so many black women, it is absolutely no surprise the system is gridlocked, especially when you look at Cooper's elucidation that in 2011, median wealth for white families was over $141,000 while black families' rested at $11,000. And single black women: had a net wealth of $5, while single white women had an average of $42,000.

I may be dirt-poor, but I recognize that my ability to be left a tiny nest-egg of an inheritance is a massive fucking white privilege, and I want to make clear again that a lack of spots on that voucher list is absolutely not the fault of anyone but the folk in power. But when you can't get an entry-level job, and you! can't get a voucher, having anything to build on is insanely tough.

Especially because: the first legal work-around to SSI didn't arrive until the year 2014. Yeah, you fuckin read that right: six years ago. Known as the Able, or A Better Life Experience Act, this let us create savings accounts. We can--and are expected to--sock money away in those for investments in housing, education, etc. etc.

And look; it's revolutionary, ok. It lets me have a tiny nest-egg without having my SSI snatched away. But when your SSI is $800 a month, it's essentially eaten up by expenses. If and when disaster makes that nest-egg dwindle, there's nothing to replenish it. And understand: this is significant progress. Remember that $2,000 SSI asset limit? Until March 9th, 2005, household resources were counted towards that total. (Yeah, that means everything from furniture to your cell phone counted towards your assets, and then people ask why there's a disincentive in the disability community towards employment when your SSI is so often tied to decent, affordable insurance.)

There is progress made, but god there is so much more to be made. I didn't even know about the trusts until two years ago. Until this week, I didn't know that friends could gift directly into the trust, when I went looking after generous people offered help and I went: but can I take it without fucking up the SSI, cause god knows I desperately need replenished savings, but can't possibly get kicked off that, too. There are so many people who have no idea Able accounts exist, or the means to fill them.

Disabled people who aren't employed in white-collar jobs and want to get married? are absolutely fucked. If you have SSI, you can only have $3,000 in assets between you and your spouse, excluding some pensions etc. etc. Exceed that limit, and poof, you're done. So if you're born disabled, better either go to college or have a spouse who makes enough to support two. (These restrictions are slightly less onerous with Social Security Disability Insurance, or SSDI, but as I've said before, I'm not the one to speak to that.)

Part of making that progress is being well-informed. Start understanding how race and disability are woven together--something I'll freely admit I'm just learning. Start understanding that programs like a child allowance? are simultaneously some of the best antiracism and antipoverty work we can be doing, and would be revolutionary for parents with kids with disabilities.

Even more revolutionary, and the program I hear no one talking about? baby bonds!

You have to understand: there is a lot of shit Senator Booker and I disagree on--google his notorious charter school support. But this program? was one of the best things to come out of the 2020 campaign--aside from Warren's wealth tax, and the entire policy page which's just a well-constructed dream suite of proposals.

Booker's baby bonds program makes me do the delighted flaily hands. A. the strides it would make to reduce the black and white wealth gap between young people are just phenomenal. B. it would so radically reshape the landscape for disabled folk I haven't even entirely managed to wrap my head around all its implications. But let me give you an example.

As members of the disability community, there is some limited aid available to us for college. States will usually pay the amount of tuition for an in-state student at a local university of their choosing. So let's say $9,500. Now, we all know that's not going to go very far at all, particularly if you go out-of-state for college. And considering the steep unemployment rate in the disability community--most reputable studies put it at around 70% in the blind community. Well.

Even taking into account methodology concerns e.g. not necessarily surveying whether someone wants a job or are cognitively capable of job performance, but instead relying on whether they have one, those statistics are fucking grim. (I try really hard not to ponder it; the only way to pursue my ambitions is to believe, with either mad optimism or bulldog stubbornness, in my chances of success.)

When you're looking at those steep odds in a world where networking is already hard for non-disabled professionals: you need! the burnished credentials of a fancy school. You oftentimes need that gloss just to get you noticed as a blind individual. And that? means a lot steeper tuition than what the state departments of rehabilitation will fork over.

If you're straight out of high school, you have some real hope of scholarships for your undergrad. If you are, like me, a nontraditional student, things get...complicated.

Current plan looks something like: take advantage of the free 2-year-college that just! got passed in my GOP state about a year ago. And have the amount of a semester's tuition (so around $16,000) in savings by the end of that. After that first semester, I'll use internships and work study and fuck knows what else, but I need that first semester: to undertake the arduous task of learning routes as a blind person. To understand what my resources are on-campus as a disabled person and how to utilize them.

Booker's baby bonds? An account worth tens of thousands by the time I was eighteen? would've erased so many of those obstacles. By now, I'd be out of college, out of law school, gainfully employed. The possibilities are almost too vast to contemplate.

So, yeah. I have no neat conclusion to this. Start understanding disability issues as critical intersectional issues. Fight for economic equality, understanding that you're fighting, in large part, for disability equality. Ask questions. I'm open to them. I suspect you have other disabled friends who are, too

*There's a whole discussion around incarceration crippling employment, especially in majority-minority communities. Follow any good decarceral thinker, from Chris Hayes to Josie Duffy Rice to Ruth Wilson Gilmore (the latter understands disability as a crucial part of the struggle in ways I deeply appreciate) to understand the issue better.

[dragimal]

Longform Audio Creepypasta Recs

hey TMA fandom! as a new TMA listener but looooongtime creepypasta fan, I find it rly cool that ppl who aren’t into horror are getting into TMA! I’m hoping this will help bring fresh blood (hah) to the horror fandom, so if you’ve realized that you rather like audio horror but don’t know what else to look into, I’m here to recommend my favorite longform creepypasta narrations! 

this is far from an exhaustive list of long creepypastas, but I just want to introduce some of the stories I consider to be the best of the genre. and while I’m just reccing longform in this post, there are plenty of short one-shots I could rec if anyone wants to ask me abt a specific theme/Entity or even a specific ep of TMA (there are several MAG eps that brought me straight back to a specific creepypasta or two, lmao)

also, I’ll just be linking to MrCreepyPasta’s narrations b/c I’m heavily biased so I mostly listen to him, but there are plenty of other great narrators out there like CreepsMcPasta, CreepypastaJr, etc. (most of their names are variations on a theme asdfgh). and if u just want the text version of any of these, every video I link has a link in its own description back to the original text posting of the story

THAT outta the way, here are my recs! I’ll try to remember all the trigger warnings I can, but keep in mind I tend to be p hardy to most horror content, so there may be some things that slip past simply b/c they don’t register to me. also it’s been a minute since I’ve listened to some of these, so some have updated or I may have just forgotten some aspects. I’ll also update this if ppl find it useful and I find more good long pastas~

Penpal (2.5 hrs, complete)

op recounts some of their odd experiences as a child, all of which stem from an elementary school project involving a pen pal. as he recalls these experiences, a horrifying picture of his past begins to emerge...

easily my favorite pasta of all time-- and that’s saying something, considering there are some damn good recs here. it’s one of the first I read so long ago, and few have come close to what this one made me feel. op does an incredible job of capturing the nostalgia and childhood wanderlust of youth, and the last few lines of each chunk of the story hit like a goddamned truck-- esp "Friends”, I cry like a baby every time, it just.... hits something tender in me...

TW: stalking of children, subsequent kidnapping and child abuse at the end (and while it’s not necessarily *confirmed*, heavy implications of child sexual abuse, for that last bit). implied cat death. some graphic description of the victim of a hit-and-run

Search and Rescue Woods (~5 hrs, ongoing?)

op recalls several of the strange and disturbing experiences (their own and quoted from coworkers) of working search-and-rescue for an unnamed national forest in the US

y’know that feeling u get when u see photos lawn chairs just sitting at the bottom of the ocean? even if there’s a perfectly good explanation for why they’re there, it’s still haunting b/c it feels wrong to see them there, in that context? that’s basically this entire assortment of stories-- the obvious example being the stairs, of course, but even a lot of the human elements feel so out of place and wrong. if you’re a fan of Spiral-type horror w/ a hard edge of Stranger, this is the story for u

TW: generally clinical but graphic descriptions of mutilated bodies. use of the r-slur against an nd individual (it’s during a story that the main character is quoting from a different one-off character, so it thankfully only happens the one time..). child death, in certain stories. some wild animal death

Borrasca (2.5 hrs, complete)

Sam moves to a small mountain town with his family after his father’s job relocates them. he hears some spooky legends about the town, but doesn’t think much of them... that is, until his sister disappears. as Sam and his friends dig deeper into the town’s history to find any clues to his sister’s disappearance, they begin to realize there’s something deeply deeply wrong with their quaint little home

I’ve always loved horror that’s ‘mundane’ enough to be done by regular humans, but vague enough that it could actually be supernatural, under the right circumstances-- and this is one of those mysteries that keeps u guessing until the VERY end. my mind felt like that Pepe Silvia corkboard meme the first time I listened to this, I was losin’ it. this is also prolly one of my favorite examples of MCP’s talent as a narrator, b/c he adds in his own subtle foreshadowing with his voicework, and it blows my mind every time I listen to it again

also worth mentioning there’s a (3.5 hr) sequel! since the horror/mystery is basically done after the first one, the sequel is mostly suspense/thriller and character closure. if ur just here for the horror/mystery and the gut-punch of that first ending, then the sequel isn’t necessary. but if you want more closure for our dear sweet cast who deserve so much better, then by all means!

TW: the ending involves heavy sexual abuse (involving underage girls, no less), part of which is graphic. like I know I joke abt having to take breaks after reading emotionally exhausting stories, but I genuinely had to take a couple days of recovery after this one-- and that’s from someone who’s p hardy to all kinds of graphic content. do NOT take this warning lightly if this is a sensitive topic for you

Tales From the Gas Station (10 hrs for free, otherwise ongoing)

Jack works at a gas station at the edge of a middle-of-nowhere town. Strange things happen at the gas station-- bipedal deer stopping by for a drink, dark gods leaving vague messages, fingers growing from the ground out back, sudden lawn gnome appearances-- All just a part of the daily grind, right?

so if I wanna be totally fair, this is more a rec for Night Vale fans than anything (tho the TMA/WTNV overlap seems to be p significant). the comedic, nonchalant tone taken towards everything supernatural and horrific is p much 1:1 WTNV. I’ve genuinely cried laughing at some of the fuckshit that happens, esp anything involving Jerry. not to say that GST doesn’t have its heavy-horror moments, but the frequency is more comparable to Night Vale’s approach-- dark comedy definitely takes center stage, here. tho this also varies by the POV-- the “Finding Vanessa” arcs are told from the perspective of a more serious character, so the heavy parts are far more frequent and hit a lot harder

as for the time estimate, here’s where it gets a littleee bit complicated. the first version was put out for free, and read for free by MCP (among a few other narrators). this came out in several different parts, and the one video I linked above has compiled *most* of volume 1, but not the Halloween story, featured here. HOWEVER, the author has taken a second go at v1 and beyond, which is currently ongoing and available to buy as books or audiobooks ALSO narrated by MCP!

as for deciding which version to listen to, I’ll just try to describe the differences here. the first version was written entirely via Jack’s online forum posts, which were subject to more direct reader interaction and Jack’s scatterbrain. thus, the first version leaves a LOT more details up to reader interpretation/theorizing, straight up doesn’t have or explain certain plot arcs yet, and is very disorganized in terms of timeline all due to Jack’s canon memory issues. this all, personally, made it v fun and silly to follow, but I’m aware that’s not for everyone. the second version is written from a more standard first person narrative from Jack’s perspective. while Jack’s memory issues still make him an unreliable narrator (often *upsettingly* so in this version), the actual narrative is far more organized, complete, and easy to follow. the fun thing is that the first version can still be considered canon material to the second version, as Jack references making those very forum posts within the second version narrative. so, personally, I consider the second version to be the core cohesive story, while the first version is supplemental, fun material that provides more context for a few of the strange bits that happen in the story (like Jack’s ‘secret admirer’ makes more sense if u’ve listened to the first version). either way, the second version is the only way the story is going to continue (as far as I’m aware), so if you’re ONLY going to listen to one version of the story, listen to the second version

TW: for the first version, there are some uncomfortable jokes/implications at certain points-- associating villains/assholes with fatness and/or personality disorders is unfortunately a running theme, and a few off-color jokes are made abt some of Jack’s conditions (general mental health and his brief use of crutches). there’s also a point at which it’s implied that a specific one-off arc is a ploy to rape Jack, tho nothing actually comes of it beyond awkward scheming (but just in case, that story is specifically “Death at the Gas Station” at the very end of that long compilation, if u wanna skip it). for the second version, I believe the author was made aware of these issues and either straight-up removed or fixed most of them in some way. there’s just one point where an intentionally-questionable character uses the g*psy slur, and a few points where a regular commenter on Jack’s forum posts has w*ndigo in their username

in terms of gore for either one, uhhh maybe some descriptions of injuries? body horror? this one’s a lot harder to call for me, b/c the comedy softens the blow on a lot of the horror

Accounts From a Lonely Broadcast Station (5 hrs, ongoing)

Evelyn is the new voice of a small mountain town’s local radio station. her job is to take calls, play music (ALWAYS play the music), and broadcast emergency warnings whenever the fog rolls in from the surrounding forest. pretty standard stuff. she tries to make the most of it-- if only that damn crow with human eyes would stop watching her...

this one’s similar to Gas Station Tales with its heavy reliance on dark humor, but it takes itself a bit more seriously, with a more even split b/t genuine horror and comedy. also MCP brings in wonderful extra voice talent w/ this one, I RLY love Evelyn's va ;w;

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation and body horror

My Friend Has Been Living in an Alternate Reality (4 hrs, complete)

op’s eccentric friend, Clint, turns up on op’s doorstep unannounced after several years missing. Clint vanishes again just as abruptly, leaving op with a journal detailing a horrifying, dangerous journey that’s almost too bizarre to believe, yet...

so this one’s more like an action/thriller with horror garnish, tbh-- very exciting and suspenseful! I love the weird, apocalyptic world Clint describes in his journals, and the societies that have cropped up around these hostile circumstances

TW: graphic descriptions of mutilation/injury

My Name is Lily Madwhip (~8 hrs, ongoing)

Lily Madwhip sees things before they happen. they’re usually horrible things like deaths and injuries that she wishes she could prevent but often can’t. at least her best friend-- an angel possessing one of Lily’s dolls-- is around to provide advice

this one’s from the perspective of a little girl, and it leans into dark humor enough to soften at least some of the more traumatic moments. Lily’s young enough that she’s somewhat removed from the full gravity of the deaths around her, but the fact that it’s happening so frequently at all seems to be warping her perspective towards death to be more... casual? is that the right word? it’s just a rly interesting perspective to see for horror. also we’ve got another rly great guest va here for Lily~

TW: brief descriptions of injury, but they’re not graphic. frequent animal death.

The Showers (2.75 hrs, complete)

op recounts a scary story he heard from a teacher back in high school about a vague location and a terrifying encounter. he later ventures to find this location to see the truth for himself, but is it worth it?

this one’s a classic-- I think it was of the first creepypasta I listened to? not this version, but I wouldn’t be able to tell u which narrator it was at the time. I won’t say that this one’s the most unique story out there, but something abt it has always stuck with me?.... idk, I think the premise rly hooks me

TW: oh god it’s been a while, but I don’t remember anything particularly triggering? maybe body horror?

[drewwwbydoobydoo]

If you're feeling up to it, why not just answer all of the 65 questions from the ask list?

Ok here goes haha

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? Yeah for sure, but at this point I just figure I can’t do a whole lot about it so I’m just rolling with whatever is the truth (basically the same thing as us maybe being in a simulation, I don’t think the answer really matters)

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? Like 4 or 5, I’m very scared of the dark tbh I get super paranoid sometimes

3. The person you would never want to meet? Mike Pence

4. What is your favorite word? Exuberance or effulgent

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? A maple tree

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? Bleh

7. What shirt are you wearing? A gray shirt from a hackathon I did last year

8. What do you label yourself as? A creative, a student, a future teacher, a lesbian, a human

9. Bright room or dark room? Bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking to my dad about child psychology

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? 18

12. Who told you they loved you last? My mom

13. Your worst enemy? The US government

14. What is your current desktop picture? A drawing that someone did of a mountain landscape

15. Do you like someone? Yeee my partner!

16. The last song you listened to? Rollercoaster by The Orion Experience

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? The dictator of the US

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Same as #17

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? Same as #17, and I would just try to fix as many things that he’s done as I could lol

20. What is your best physical attribute? I really like my eyes! They’re gray and I think that’s pretty cool

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I feel like honestly I would look approximately the same, or like my brother lol though we already look pretty similar. I’d just continue existing, idk I don’t think I’d do anything differently cause gender is funky

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? Yes! I can write in a whole bunch of different fonts by hand really easily (like I can switch between fonts without having to write slower or think too much about it)

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Ok so like I’m really afraid of small heights but not big heights. For some reason heights like doing a ropes course or trapeze absolutely terrify me but I’m totally fine like on a tall mountain or in a plane

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. Maple tempeh with hummus, avocado, tomato and lettuce on wheat bread sounds 10/10 rn

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? I’d donate it to the Transgender Law Center

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? Hmmmmm I wouldn’t go on a plane because we’re still in a pandemic but theoretically if this were a normal time I’d probably go somewhere in Canada

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? I don’t drink alcohol so I’m good!

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Freedom of speech (with the exception of hate speech)

29. What is your favorite expletive? Asshat, mainly cause I think it’s kinda funny

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? My laptop, I have too many photos and files that I don’t want to lose

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Getting blackmailed by my brother

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Canada here we come!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? My cat, Clara. She was the absolute sweetest being that has ever graced this planet, and she was my only true friend for many years

34. What was your last dream about? The commune that I lived at last summer

35. Are you a good listener? I think so? I try to be, especially since I took some workshops in nonviolent communication and how to be a better listener and I think those were really helpful!

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? No but I probably should have been

37. Have you ever built a snowman? Yeah

38. What is the color of your socks? Light blue

39. What type of music do you like? Idk a lot of stuff I guess? Musical soundtracks, indie rock, pop-rock, etc.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets!!!

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Vanilla (boring, I know lol)

42. What football team do you support? Idk any sports teams :/

43. Do you have any scars? Yeah, many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? I mean like theoretically I would love to be a painter but realistically I’m gonna become an elementary school teacher

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Bruh how tf do I choose just one??? Uhhhhhh honestly I would get rid of my uterus I don’t want it and it just causes pain

46. Are you reliable? Yeah, very

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? Which career path do I end up on?

48. Do you hold grudges? Yeah, only about big things though

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? I’d breed cats and rabbits together to create: cabbits

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? One time me and one of my friends were laying on the floor of our dorm’s common room and we were talking about a bunch of fucked up stuff we’ve done (like not necessarily bad things, but just like those weird, “are you ok?” kind of things)

51. Are you a good liar? Yeah actually! I don’t know how, but I'm a really good liar if I genuinely want to lie about something. 

52. How long could you go without talking? A very long time. Singing would be a drastically different answer though

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? When I first cut my hair short when I was 16, it was just a very awkward length and I didn’t know what was happening

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? Yeah I actually baked one yesterday

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? I can kinda do a southern accent

56. What do you like on your toast? Vegan butter and roasted garlic mmmmm

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? Roman Sanders lol

58. What would be you dream car? I’ve always wanted a light blue convertible, like as long as I can remember I’ve had this very specific car in mind that I know I’d never actually buy but in theory would be very cool

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. Sometimes I sing in the shower, also I used to sit down while showering lol

60. Do you believe in aliens? Yeah, I don’t have any specific theories but I think there’s probably some other intelligent life out there

61. Do you often read your horoscope? Not really

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? E

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? Dragons

64. What do you think about babies? Amazing, I was one once

This was fun! Kinda therapeutic tbh lol

[basicbrittiknow]

Advice To My Younger Self

Hey guys!! I hope everyone had a marvelous week and an even better weekend!!

Last week, I got some homework done, Friday I went to the drive-in with one of my best friends, to see Grease, which was such a cute time, and such an awesome way to get me out of the house!!

Today is Monday, August 17, 2020 and the topic of “things I would tell my younger self” popped into my brain on Friday, so I not only want to share some things I would’ve told myself when I was younger but I want to hear from you!! Please, share with me some things you would have told your younger self. 

I am 25, but I, by no means, know everything!! I have so much life left to live and so much more to learn. But that’s what this blog is all about right? Living, learning and growing together!! 

So let’s dive in, shall we?!

First order of business, school, or specifically, college. I don’t know about you, but college has always been apart of the plan for me. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t include college in my post high school plans. However, the plans I had for myself and the plans life had for me were two different things. When I graduated high school, I did go to college, but it wasn’t the college that I so excitedly looked forward to it was community college. *SIDE NOTE* There is absolutely nothing wrong with community college!! In fact, looking back, I wasn’t ready, in the slightest, to attend a University!! I was right where I needed to be!! And if I could go back in time, I would have done everything the exact same way. Because my time at community college allowed me to grow as a person and student, it gave me the time to become a more independent and responsible young adult, and it showed me that my future really is up to me, whether or not I sink or swim, is up to me 

So what would I tell my younger self about school? I would tell myself to work hard and stay focused, because everything works out the way it’s supposed to and in it’s own time. I would tell my younger self not to worry so much about what comes next, because everything will be just fine!!

Next up, let’s talk about relationships!! Relationships come in all types of forms: familial, platonic, professional, and of course, romantic. While different elements make up the different types of relationships, I have the same message for all of them, and that is, if the relationship doesn’t POSITIVELY affect you, let it go!! I’m not saying that if things aren’t always smooth sailing, never without a problem, walk away, because in that case, you may find yourself alone majority of the time. But I am saying that if a relationship of any kind leaves you upset, emotionally drained, fearful and unsure of yourself, walk away!! You’ll thank yourself later!! Trust me, I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but please!! Find it in yourself to leave alone those people who bring uncertainty, toxicity (yes, family can be toxic too) and unhappiness to you. I promise, there are better days and better people ahead.

I would have told my younger self all of these things regarding relationships, but I would have included “speak up for yourself”, which is something that I still struggle with!!But it is also something that has led to so many fall outs. If someone has a problem with you speaking up for yourself. for defending yourself, for being strong for yourself, for being yourself, those people are not meant to be in your life, and unworthy to do so. LET THEM GO!! You’ll be so much happier in the long run ;)

Next, goals/aspirations. When I was 18 and graduating high school, even beyond that age, well into my early twenties, nothing made me happier, more excited, than the thought of being young, rich and famous!! I wanted to be a super famous singer and tour with One Direction (they were so in at the time), and I was certain that that would be how Harry Styles and I would meet, fall in love and live happily ever after. *SIDE NOTE* If fame and fortune is your dream, YOU GO GIRL/BOY!! Chase that dream and work hard for it, and I know you can achieve it!! However, if you’re like me, and your dreams/goals/ambitions change every day, that’s okay too!! 

Ever heard that saying “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” by the famous Cinderella? That wish that your heart is making could be for the near or even distant future. Meaning between now and the time your wish comes true, it is perfectly fine to have a change of heart, to change up your plans!!

My advice to my younger self, and my advice to you, reading this, is to pursue whatever it is that sets your soul on fire in the best way. Pursue what makes you happy, pursue whatever it is that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning!! 

It is a little scary and unnerving not having every little detail of your life figured out, at least for me it is, but the truth is, nobody has all of the answers, nobody has it all figured out, and that’s okay!!

Now, let’s talk about sex baby!! Freshman, 15 year old Brittany swore up and down she had met the one. I just knew I had met the boy I would marry, have a family with and share all the special firsts everyone experiences. I knew all of this at 15 and I was so wrong at 15!! Fast forward, 10 years later, and there have been at least 3 or 4 or 5 more guys (I’ve been a little less focused on the important stuff in the past) who I thought the same thing of. And guess what, I was wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME!! So here we are, age 25, still single, still waiting to experience all the special things with my very own special person, but I’m okay!!

The thought of being 25 and single with not even ONE prospect, at 15, made me cringe!! There was NO WAY!! It just wasn’t going to be, at least not for 15 year old me. 

While my journey to loving and embracing all the lessons and freedoms of single life hasn’t been smooth, fun, quick or consistent, RIGHT NOW, I’m very clear headed and I view the “single journey” if you will as such a magnificent, at times lonely, but overall wonderful time of self-discovery!! I learn something new about myself, and about life everyday, and I’m having so much fun!!

I say all of this to say, if I could talk t my younger self, knowing what I know now, I would tell myself to embrace every experience you have as a single person, learn all that you can while you can, and as far as sex? Wait until you meet the person that looks at you like you’re the only person in the room, like you’re the most important person in the room. Wait until you meet the person you KNOW will be there in the morning, not the one you HOPE will be there in the morning. Wait until you’ve found the person who is every cheesy but lovely cliche you can think of. WAIT!! It may not be easy, it may not be fun, but 25 year old Brittany promises, it ill be soooooo worth it. I don’t know everything, but the whole point of this blog is to live, learn and grow together, right? So that’s that on that!! MOVING ON!!

FEARS... fears have been something that I’ve come to be extremely familiar with since 2013, the year I graduated high school. From what class to take next, to what job to apply for and accept, to what purchase to make with this week’s paycheck, I live very cautiously, I must admit!! But living cautiously and living fearfully are two different things!! Being afraid is totally normal, everyone has fears. HOWEVER, in the words of the late great Babe Ruth, “Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”

My life has been nothing short of beautiful, oozing with small victories, *Humble brag* and I refuse to believe it will be any less beautiful in the years to come. Life hasn’t always dealt me the best cards, but my life has been so amazing and beautiful because I never let fear control me and my decisions; even if I failed, I still took a chance, I didn’t let fear prevent me from at least cracking the door of opportunity. 

So in knowing all that I do not, I would tell my younger self to be afraid, cry and even hesitate if you want, but when you’re done freaking out, do what scares you anyway!! Because you never know what excitement lies on the other side of fear.

And finally, the future!! To sit here and say that the thought of the future, with all of it’s uncertainty and inevitable change, doesn’t cause alarm in me from time to time, would be a lie. It’s August; who would have thought that back in March, I’d still be unemployed, 5 months later, due to the pandemic? Had you told me that this was what would happen I would have started job hunting THEN!! 

My point is, none of us know what the near and/or distant future holds for us. So live for right now, as cheesy, cliche and played out as that sounds!! Putting my own twist on it... “Live for right now, but also live for the person you’ll be in 5, 15, 20 years. Make good, fun decisions and memories that future you will be proud of and even benefit from. I’m only just now learning that, but if I could tell my younger self anything regarding the future, it would be this. Live every day so that in years to come, you can look back and smile proudly!!

[thesecondcircleofkel]

NSFW Alphabet, Kenpachi A-Z

Reposting all of these together for convenience and to save space. Alphabet requests are still open, but remember, I don't accept requests to do the entire alphabet for someone all at once. You have to stick to the guidelines of 1 character per ask, and 5 letters per ask, and once I finish the alphabet for a character with requests like that, I will repost it all together.

A: Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He’s pretty chill afterwards. If you need something he’ll get it, but he’d prefer to stay in bed and ‘cuddle’ with you (he would never call it that, but that’s totally what it is). He likes for you to lay on top of him as he drifts off for at least a catnap, and once he wakes up, he’ll drag you into a bath with him (which will result in another round, but that’s a story for a different day).

B: Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

Kenpachi seems like he’d be a butt guy. Like, every time he sees his you, his hands are going to drift to your ass, whether that’s a quick smack or a grope (does not care if the two of you are in public, either, and no one has the balls to call him out on it). He also really loves to squeeze your ass to hold you in place during sex. Not to be too out of left field here, but I bet he likes his partner’s arms, as well, especially if they’re a fighter. He likes thinking of all the power that those arms contain as you slash your way through a battlefield or beat the hell out of somebody for getting on your bad side. He’s a simple man.

C: Cum (Anything to do with cum)

Cums a lot. A. Lot. There’s going to be a mess, so you might as well try to prepare for it. For the love of all that is good and holy, put some towels down or something, because whether he comes on you or inside of you, it’s going to get everywhere (he does prefer to come inside of you, though). If you can manage to give this guy a blow job, he’ll love it if you let him cum in your mouth, but be warned, it will not taste great. You can try to get him to change his diet so it tastes better, but not even that does too much good. It’s pretty viscous, too, so swallowing will be a challenge.

D: Dirty Secret

He hardly gets embarrassed enough by anything to have a dirty secret, but there’s one things that he wants that he doesn’t mention a whole lot. He would totally be down for a threesome with Unohana, one where she mainly has her way with you and then he has a turn with you. If you haven’t read the Thousand-Year Blood War Arc, this may seem a bit random, but trust me, there’s history there, and he wants to see what she’s all about in the bedroom before he reminds you why he’s better.

E: Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He knows what he’s doing. He was fighting his way through Rukongai, not fucking his way through it, but he still had a few dalliances here and there when the urge hit. If you want to do something real kinky, you’ll have to teach him about it, because he mostly just follows his instincts and doesn’t delve too far into stuff like that.

F: Favorite Position

He’s a fan of any position that gives him a good view of your ass, so Doggy Style is pretty high on his list.

He also likes to just lay back and let you ride him sometimes, so regular Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl (especially the latter, because ass).

He likes showing off his strength, even in the bedroom, so positions where he gets to hold you up and support your whole body weight (Seesaw, Olympus) really get his jollies going.          

G: Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc.)

He’s generally more serious during sex since he’s focused on making you forget your name with his dick, but he’s not against laughing if something humorous happens. He’s not exactly going to go out of his way to make you laugh during sex, though.

H: Hair (How well-groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

The carpet certainly matches the drapes, and he absolutely does not care to keep everything trimmed. To be fair, he’s not naturally that hairy, so there isn’t a lot of maintenance needed anyways. He also doesn’t care what your lawn maintenance situation is; you could be completely bare or have an entire Amazonian rainforest down there, he’ll work with it.

I: Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

You’d think he’d be all hard, wild fucks, but he’s really not. That really only happens about 70% of the time, and the other 30% is reserved for extremely intimate love making. He’ll take his time with you, making lots of eye contact as he slowly drives you to ecstasy. And the way that he holds you afterwards is just…wooh…to die for.

J: Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn’t masturbate at all when he has a partner. He’d rather just drag you off for a quick round, but if for some reason it’s impossible for him to have sex with you and he can’t hold back anymore, he’ll get himself off real quick just to be done with it. He doesn’t really see the appeal in masturbation, unless he’s watching you do it.

K: Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He not really into being dominated (although he’s not against letting you dominate him every once in a while), but he does like it when you take charge and be upfront about what you what. Like, just go up to him and shove your hand down his pants and tell him that you want to fuck him right then, he’ll lose his freakin’ mind.

You’d think Pain Play would be here, but I don’t actually think he’d care to hurt someone that he loved while having sex with them.

I’m not sure that Shower/Bath Sex is really a kink, but he really, really loves it, and it’s going to happen a lot. If he walks into your shared living space and hears that you’re in the shower, he’s got an instant boner, and you won’t be alone in there for long.

Again, he really just follows his basic instincts when it comes to sex, but he’s willing to try any kink that you throw out there.

L: Location (Favorite places to do the do)

He will take you anywhere he pleases. The only reason he refrains himself in public is for your sake. If he only got to pick one favorite location for sex, it’d be his desk. It doesn’t get any other use, and there’s something so satisfying about fucking you on top of something that is supposed to be so formal and professional. His bed is a close second since he can do pretty anything to you there and he doesn’t have to worry about anyone bitching at him for it.

M: Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Watching you fight. More specifically, seeing you beat the hell out of someone and seeing you covered in sweat and someone else’s blood. That’s the main way that his love for battle plays into the bedroom, so be ready to get railed if he catches you fighting or sparring with anyone.

Bend over in front of him and see how fast you get dragged away from prying eyes.

He also just really loves seeing you take control, like ordering people around or taking control of situation that’s gotten chaotic. It makes him really proud to see you do something like that, and that pride will very quickly turn into desire.

N: NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Fighting may be his passion, but he will never hurt you during sex. It’s one thing if you end up getting hurt sparring with him or something, but for him, pain stays on the battlefield. Even if you want him to hurt you a little bit, he won’t do it. The most you’ll get out of him is a few spanks here and there, but beyond that, sex with him is a pain-free experience.

O: Oral (Preference in giving and or receiving, skills, etc.)

Prefers giving, and he is an absolute oral fiend. But before we get to that, he knows that he may be a bit big for a full-on blowjob, so he’s perfectly fine with it if you just your tongue to tease him. He generally doesn’t want to cum before the main event anyways, but on the occasion that he does, he’ll love it if you let him cum in your mouth. As for his oral skills…wooh. Oral sex is Kenpachi’s main form of foreplay, and he’s a master at it. He will practically take up residence between your legs, making you cum multiple times to prepare you for his dick. His tongue is absolutely wicked, too, and given how long it is, you can bet money that he’ll tongue-fuck you with it. His oral skills are just as good if you’re a male, too, but since the refractory period is a thing, this is one of the few occasions that he will take the time to tease you by giving you one really long oral session and not letting you cum for a while.

P: Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He generally keeps a pretty fast and rough pace, but he definitely does slow and sensual when he’s making love to you. He’s also very compliant if you ask him to change his pace since he knows that his normal pace isn’t for everyone and that some people don’t like getting fucked liked that all of the time.

Q: Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Unless he’s in the mood to make love to you, he’s down for a quickie any time. His rough and fast style of fucking really works well with quickies, too, but I hope you’re in a really secluded spot, because he will have you screaming with pleasure in no time, regardless of where you are.

R: Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Even though he doesn’t care to delve into any kinks himself, he’s down to experiment if you want to try something. Just make sure you give him a good rundown beforehand. His middle name is risk, and as stated in the L section, the only reason he doesn’t fuck you in public is for your sake, so if you want to fuck in a public or semi-public space, he’s more than willing to fulfill that wish and he won’t care who sees the two of you.

S: Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He can go for however long he wants, really. His rounds are a good 15-20 minutes, which is impressive given his usual pace, and he can go for as many rounds as you want, but he might need a quick nap after 3 or 4.

T: Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t own any, and it wouldn’t be surprising if he wasn’t aware of their existence. He wouldn’t mind watching you use some on yourself a few times, but beyond that he’s rather indifferent towards them and would prefer to fuck you himself.

U: Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He isn’t really that much of a tease. One of the few instances that he would be a tease is listed in the section above, but beyond that, he doesn’t really hold back on you for long. If he’s feeling really playful, he might tease you by pretending that he’s about to enter you and pulling away at the last second, but that’s about it, though, and it only happens on rare occasions.

V: Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

L. O. U. D. He gives absolutely no fucks if anyone hears him having sex. He wants to make you scream if possible, because he wants the whole world to know who’s fucking you and how good of a job he’s doing at it. He’s mainly a grunter, but once he gets close to his orgasm he’ll groan a few times. If you get him really into it, he might just growl, which is a terrifying experience for everyone else around that can hear it, but for you, it lets you know that you’re about to be fucked within an inch of your life.

W: Wild Card

He wants to sneak into Byakuya’s estate and have sex there at least once, just for the sake of messing with the noble. It’s not going to be a quick screw, either. He’s going to completely wreck that place, so bad that Byakuya has to have it completely sanitized before he even goes within ten feet of it. It may seem rude, but Kenny thinks it’d be hilarious, plus he’d probably get a good fight with Byakuya out of it.

X: X-Ray (let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

…Do I need to say it? He’s definitely got one of the biggest dicks in the Seireitei, and he damn well knows it, too. 7-7 ½ inches long easily, and he’s a shower, not a grower. As for his girth…don’t try to measure it, you’ll just scare yourself. His girth is well above average, and you’d have to have some hella long fingers to be able to wrap them around it.

Y: Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Y’all are going to have sex a lot. A. Lot. It’s not that he has a high sex drive, but it’s more or less that fighting is his biggest turn-on, and big daddy fights a lot, so…have fun.

Z: ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Unless you really need him to go get something for you, he’ll fall asleep pretty quickly. Once he’s got you settled against his chest, he’ll slowly fall asleep as he rubs his hand along your arm or back.

[mzhong2014]

Weekly reading digest (7/28-8/3)

A break to remember: Stanford faculty reminisce about their college summers:

Reading about the faculty members whom I admire so much, this was a humanizing post that reminded me that everyone has struggled through the routine and impossible just like you have. My favorite quote from Ambassador Eikenberry about his summer learning how to jump out of an aircraft while at the US Army Airborne School. Ambassador Eikenberry is the embodiment of poise, humbleness, and courage, so I particularly enjoyed reading his blurb:

“As the aircraft rumbled toward the drop zone, one of the cadre, a very seasoned sergeant, gets in front of me, grabs my two shoulder straps, looks me in the face and because of the deafening engine noise, shouted at me: ‘Airborne,’– which is how all students are addressed – ‘are you nervous?’

And although I was nervous, I gave the answer I thought he wanted to hear.

‘No, Sergeant,’ I said. ‘I’m not nervous.’

The sergeant looked at me and very calmly said: ‘Airborne, I want you to be nervous. This is your first jump.’

I’ll never forget that expression on his face and his sincerity.

‘Every time you jump out of an airplane in the future, I want you to be nervous,’ the sergeant said to me. ‘Because when you are nervous, you are thinking hard about the challenge you are facing. In your mind, you are going through all the training you had – what is the next thing to do and what to do should something go wrong.’

And then he said: ‘What I don’t want you to do is be afraid. Be nervous, but don’t be afraid. If you let your fears control you, then you are going to make a mistake.’”

To be great, you must first be vulnerable. 

The Brethren: Inside the Supreme Court

I started listening to this on audiobook when I spontaneously decided to drive to San Diego at 10;30 pm on a Saturday night and back Sunday afternoon (totaling 5 hours of driving).

The Brethren is written by Bob Woodward, yes, one of the reporters of the Wategate Scandal. Earlier this year, I grabbed coffee with a litigator in an effort to shed light on the mysterious question of what does it mean to be a lawyer. He recommended this book to help elucidate this question, and only 30 minutes into the audiobook, I understood why. It is perhaps the most intimate account of the prestigious Supreme Court, uncovering the day-to-day scenes hidden behind the white marble columns and impressive wooden bench. In contrast to my other readings that cover the intellectual origins of the judiciary branch, The Brethren shows how the justice system works in a very raw and real-life manner. Spanning 1969-1975 during Burger’s early years as Chief Justice, it shows exactly how politics mixes with the supposedly nonpartisan judiciary system, the nitty-gritty of how varying legal philosophies translate to vastly diverse approaches towards handling legal issues (especially during a very contentious period with the civil rights movement), as well as how the different personalities impacted the very tactical routines of the Supreme Court.

No specific quotes because, unfortunately, I do not have the auditory version of photographic memory, but initial reactions:  

I was surprised by how the Justice’s different opinions extended beyond the question of whether something was constitutional, but also the question of how do policymakers tactically carry out a Supreme Court decision. For example, the first few chapters focused on the decision around how to issue a court order regarding Brown v Board of Education as Southern states dug their heels in to prolong the delay of integration of schools. Because of the vague phrasing used in the ruling opinion, “with all deliberate speed,” lawyers were using this language to justify these 15-year delays. The court order had to achieve and balance a number of objectives: avoid appearing submissive to the delay and admonish any attempts to prevent integration while balancing the practical concerns for allowing time to let schools create and implement a sound plan for integration to minimize the chaos / violence during this time. But should these practical considerations be up to the judiciary branch to decide? 

As a junior consultant, it was interesting to see how exactly the Justices manage their clerks and how each Justice’s personality dictated their working norms -- shows how collegial the Court is but also how political it can be 

It was also interesting to see the different philosophies that the Justices had towards being a judge. To grossly generalize, the Justices had very different opinions on the degree to which they cared about being legally rigorous in their opinions versus arriving at some legal conclusion with considerable political and social implications

The Brothers Karamazov: Ivan’s Rebellion

One of the most famous passages in The Brother’s Karamazov is Ivan’s rebellion, where he rejects God of his justice system. The dialogue occurs between Ivan, the intellectual of his three brothers, and Alyosha, the most spiritually pure of the three. Ivan focuses his argument on the suffering of children to illustrate the injustice of God. 

“I won't speak of grown-up people is that, besides being disgusting and unworthy of love, they have a compensation—they've eaten the apple and know good and evil, and they have become 'like gods.' They go on eating it still. But the children haven't eaten anything, and are so far innocent.”

Ivan proceeds to provide anecdotes that he has collected of children suffering – which are based on true stories that Dostoevsky collected from the newspaper. Ivan recounts tales of how the Turks cut open “the unborn child from the mother’s womb,” skewering babies with their bayonets in glee. He tells another story of a five-year old girl beaten to pulp by her parents, her mouth smeared with excrement, left to sleep in the cold frost of an outhouse. With relentless momentum, Ivan recounts his last story about a serf-boy who throws a stone at a kennel of hounds, and hurts the paw of a general’s dog. The child is summoned to the general and stripped naked.

“He shivers, numb with terror, not daring to cry… 'Make him run,' commands the general. 'Run! run!' shout the dog-boys. The boy runs…'At him!' yells the general, and he sets the whole pack of hounds on the child. The hounds catch him, and tear him to pieces before his mother's eyes!”

The Bible reasons that all, including children, must suffer for man’s sin. Even the most innocent, children, “must suffer for their fathers' sins, they must be punished for their fathers, who have eaten the apple.” These damned children, Ivan continues, some may twistedly suggest that “the child would have grown up and have sinned, but you see he didn't grow up, he was torn to pieces by the dogs, at eight years old.”  

Ivan concludes that he cannot accept God if his justice requires children to suffer for an “eternal harmony.”

“I must have justice, or I will destroy myself. And not justice in some remote infinite time and space, but here on earth, and that I could see myself. I have believed in it. I want to see it, and if I am dead by then, let me rise again, for if it all happens without me, it will be too unfair. Surely I haven't suffered simply that I, my crimes and my sufferings, may manure the soil of the future harmony for somebody else. I want to see with my own eyes the hind lie down with the lion and the victim rise up and embrace his murderer. I want to be there when everyone suddenly understands what it has all been for. All the religions of the world are built on this longing, and I am a believer. But then there are the children, and what am I to do about them? That's a question I can't answer.

[…]

While there is still time, I hasten to protect myself, and so I renounce the higher harmony altogether. It's not worth the tears of that one tortured child who beat itself on the breast with its little fist and prayed in its stinking outhouse, with its unexpiated tears to 'dear, kind God'! It's not worth it, because those tears are unatoned for. They must be atoned for, or there can be no harmony. But how? How are you going to atone for them? Is it possible? By their being avenged? But what do I care for avenging them? What do I care for a hell for oppressors? What good can hell do, since those children have already been tortured? And what becomes of harmony, if there is hell? I want to forgive. I want to embrace. I don't want more suffering. And if the sufferings of children go to swell the sum of sufferings which was necessary to pay for truth, then I protest that the truth is not worth such a price.”

And that is the crux of the passage – the prospect of an eternal harmony is not worth the suffering of the innocent to repent for the Sin of Man.

In face of our inability to find the meaning of seemingly meaningless suffering in the empirical and physical world, we are faced with two options: 1) consult the transcendental for truths that lie outside of our physical world or 2) turn inwards to provide meaning ourselves. Both are fairly unsatisfactory frameworks, in my opinion. An argument against the first is well illustrated above, and there is little that I can add of intellectual value to Dostoevsky’s work. 

As for the second point, everyone tells you during intense moments of suffering that you will always learn something in hindsight -- in an attempt to imbue seemingly meaningless suffering with meaning. After all, the human mind cannot fathom the possibility of meaningless suffering -- that all of this pain is for nothing; that there is no such thing as karma or justness in the world. This seems equally absurd because why does learning have to require so much suffering? Are humans just too dumb to learn from happy experiences? 

For the meantime, I’m not sure what exactly sure why there is so much suffering in life and whether it is justified by some external or internal truths. For now, all that I know is that a lot of terrible things in life happen, and all that humans can do is simply react to them. 

[calleo-bricriu]

The Cruciatus Curse

The Basics:

No long history is required here; it would be rare to find someone in the Wizarding world who was not familiar with this curse and what it does.

It is designed to torture by way of causing inescapable, high levels of pain.

If used long term--for the unmodified version, a few hours, for modified versions significantly less--it can cause severe and lasting physical and psychological damage.

In many cases, especially where psychological damage or physical damage to the brain has taken place, it can result in the victim(s) being unable to live unassisted and can result in death.

Death is not usually the end goal and while some would argue that they use it for interrogation purposes, it is well documented that information extracted under torture is frequently not accurate, especially if it is what the one doing the interrogating wishes to hear. A victim is likely to tell their interrogator exactly what they want to hear simply to make the pain stop.

Even knowing that, some still think it’s a viable route to getting accurate information.

Most who use it, however, use it simply because they want to torture someone with or without what they, or anyone else, would consider a “good reason”.

Modifications:

The Cruciatus Curse is highly malleable and exceptionally accommodating to modifications, which is partially why it’s as dangerous as it is.

The cast commonly used is fairly fluid and smooth; it’s still incredibly painful in that state, can cause irreparable physical and mental damage if used for long, sustained periods or even in short bursts over a rapid period of time, and is still most definitely illegal.

However, it can be modified into significantly worse variations, which I’ve always found interesting as it’s one of those curses that you can put a ‘signature’ onto, as no two modifications will ever be identical simply because of minor differences in the minds and wand movements of any given caster.

The overall ‘shape’ remains the same, as does the base wand movement, but it’s accommodating to changes so long as the basic shape is maintained.

If you change the base movement, it’s not going to work, but you can add onto it. Specifically, you can add the addition of what–if you saw the visual of the movements–amounts to barbs and hooks, as well as sharpening the fluid corners by using more precise, crisp wand movements.

These have the effect of making the curse not only dig deeper but hold on more securely, meaning less concentration is required to keep the curse in place.

There are a few common ways it’s modified like this:

- Hooks in the front; the result of that is that the victim usually immediately curls into a ball. Fairly low chance of physical injury.

- Evenly spaced, uniform hooks throughout. That one will usually leave the victim looking a bit like a human plank. Same as before, relatively low chance of physical injury as nothing is being bent out of place.

- Hooks at the tail end of the cast. You’re probably going to break a few bones doing that because things are bending in ways they’re not supposed to bend due to how the curse is pulling.

- Variable sized, but still evenly spaced hooks throughout. You’re definitely going to break a couple bones simply due to how it pulls, and you’re probably aiming for eventual death or are trying to prove to them that you know how to do something worse than death. Personally, I don’t think it’s worse, but it does come close.

That’s the one that left me with the essential tremor, and I distinctly remember being unsteady on my feet and a bit foggy in the head for almost a month and a half. It’s still exhausting to think about at length.

That variant is the one that has let me figure out, based on wand movement, which sort someone is casting; I don’t like the base cast, by any means, but it’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve ever felt.

The end result of a well constructed Cruciatus Curse is that the victim simply can’t do anything, voluntary or involuntary; there isn’t any screaming, no twitching, no thrashing, just a kind of unsettling silence. When it’s done well, every type of pain signal imaginable is set off at once and the outward result is stillness and silence, because the body of the victim isn’t able to do anything else.

The downside to these modifications is that the caster can’t be sloppy or inattentive about it, or there is a high chance that the victim will either die within the span of a minute or be damaged beyond repair both mentally and likely physically.

You can’t do anything.  You can’t even breathe, let alone scream.

Any movement is involuntary and controlled by how the caster is moving their wand. If they’re not moving you, you’re not moving; it’s not a possibility. The particular modification in question can easily be lethal.

It’s a complete system overload, in a manner of speaking and, even with that, after about thirty seconds or so you don’t even really feel pain anymore; it’s a bit like an odd numbness where you can’t feel anything but can somehow also feel everything.

Thirty second mark for the numbness to hit, by the one who was timing while I was still doing that research; it felt like hours. Overall, it was just shy of five minutes sustained.

It was almost a full month before full feeling returned to my extremities and even with what’s been mended since, there’s still a hell of a lot of lasting neurological damage that is irreparable.

Until recently, I still had random bouts in which things just–didn’t work. I might walk into something because the message to veer off to avoid it didn’t quite make it through translation in time.

Occasionally, I’d have a day or two where my ability to move could be compared to a cat in a jumper; if you’ve not seen that before, they’re completely capable of moving but they just kind of…fall over and stay there.

More than once, I’ve moved to shift how I was sitting and fully meant to swap leaning back on both hands to leaning just on the left one with my elbow propped on the floor. I’m not entirely sure how it happened but I ended up just tipping over.

It’s as bad as it used to be, though. Those sorts of things used to be fairly regular occurrences.

Left hand still shakes a bit but, again, not as badly as it used to.

It’s not very impressive to watch someone just quietly lay still and maybe twitch a little bit if you flick your wand around, which is likely why the sorts of people who use it regularly use it without those modifications.

If you’re just aiming to make someone scream a bit and possibly terrify them, the base cast is more than sufficient to make that happen, because you’re not going to get the screaming with the modifications.

The Cruciatus Curse can easily be attached to a Venari [1], negating the need for line of sight and making it impossible to escape unless the target is able to cast Finite Incantatem to remove the Venari then get out of the way of the curse’s trajectory.

Modification Effects:

These assume a sustained cast, not a quick “spur-of-the-moment” attempt to stop or interrupt someone.

30-120 seconds:

- Total voluntary muscular system paralysis for about five minutes, give or take.

- Numbness in the extremities lasting from 36-72 hours.

- Generalised essential tremor that may or may not clear up after a few weeks. Mine won’t, but I had that prior; might get a little worse for a few days, though.

- One hell of a headache for a couple hours.

- You’re probably just going to want to sleep a lot, quite honestly.

2 - 5 minutes:

- Total voluntary muscular system paralysis for about 20-30 minutes.

- Non-lethal issues with involuntary systems, primarily breathing. That’ll clear up after ten minutes or so.

-  Might actually kill someone with a heart condition.

-  Generalised essential tremor that may or may not clear up after a few months.

- Good luck walking without having a leg or two just suddenly give out without warning for awhile.

- A heavy mental fog; that’ll last for a few weeks as well, but most people recover without issue.

5+ minutes:

- If you don’t die, the upside is your mind will be wrecked to the point that you won’t remember what happened or care that you can’t remember what happened.

- By contrast, the unmodified base cast can take up to two or three hours sustained before it causes that level of damage.

Revision note: The last set of data proven to be inaccurate; see section on Tolerance below.

Ending The Curse:

When using this curse to its maximum effect, it should never be simply ended.

That is a possibility, of course, but when one considers that most people using the Cruciatus Curse are doing so under the mindset of wanting to inflict as much pain as theoretically possible, it would be poor form to forget to end it correctly.

There are two ways I have found that technically count as correct. Both will have a similar ending effect in terms of effect on the victim, but one requires markedly more skill and is significantly more painful than the other.

The first, and easiest way to end the curse is to simply pull it off of the victim like pulling a net off from on top of someone. The caster can either pull the curse up toward and over the victim's head or down and over the feet before ending the curse.

The sensation effect runs similar to the sensation of being skinned. Painful, certainly, but not the most effective if one is aiming to cause as much damage as is possible.

This method requires it be an even, full body spread of the curse, not just targeted at one particular area and allowed to radiate outward or stay localised, depending.

The second, more complicated method involves several steps in addition to requiring a full body application of the curse.

This method also requires the caster be sufficiently skilled in using the curse to the point that they are able to handle it partially wandless. Attempting this method without being able to properly control the curse can and very likely will snap back on the caster and embed itself.

This method also requires the caster be careful and particular in their movements as, when they begin the process, there will be enough movement of the modified curse to pull the targets various body parts in the direction the curse is being moved.

This can result, at best, broken bones and dislocated joints.

At its worst, it can result in death from combined trauma of broken bones, internal bleeding and, depending on how rough you get with the movement, organ rupture.

To begin, the caster will need to use one hand to gather up edges of the curse from either the waist up or waist down on the victim. The other hand does the same at the opposite side; this is where the "partially wandless" requirement comes in to play. You could also do it without a wand at all if you've had enough practise, but it's easier to control with a wand involved.

Once the two halves have been gathered up a bit like bag ties, the barbs on the curse need to be parted just enough to allow them to interlock before pushing it all back down into the body of the victim so the hooks embed again.

When you've secured the curse back onto the victim, pull the interlocked, embedded barbs apart in a quick, fluid motion.  That produces a sensation more akin to being quite literally ripped to shreds.

If the caster loses focus at this point or fails to remember to reel in the part of the curse that had previously been directed wandlessly, it will snap back and embed in the caster, typically in the arm but occasionally it will whip back forcefully enough to catch the arm, part of the chest, and, now and again, the face.

When pulling the curse back in, keep the wand's motions in a weaving sort of pattern as though you're gathering loose threads back onto a spool.

The caster should also be careful to pay attention to where any large barbs or hooks still remain in the victim's body as the pain of removal can be significantly heightened if those angles, spots, and depth of the hooks are taken into account with the wand's motion.

Once you've all got it wound back around your wand you can either end the spell at that point or send it out again, if you're feeling particularly horrible, and repeat the process.

Properly executed, the second method should take under five seconds from initiation to completion. It will, however, feel like it's taken hours.

The Cruciatus Curse’s Use in Dueling:

                                         (An interesting side note: A properly skilled handler can make the Teratius Curse appear to have no outward physical effect save for excruciating pain; aimed solely at internals, and kept deep enough that surface movement is not visible, the ‘effects’ of both curses have a nearly identical appearance.)

There is very little need to go into the details of the Cruciatus Curse considering how well known and still widespread its use is.

Officially, of course, it is never used in interrogations by the Ministry of Magic or in fights involving Ministry personnel.

While there is no way to twist its purpose to make it useful or even slightly benign, it does have its place outside of groups of children who use incendio on ants for amusement: It is an exceptionally effective stunning and disarming spell when used with a short burst method as opposed to the more commonly known sustained method.

Unlike standard stunning spells, it cannot be blocked by commonly used shield charms (though it can be blocked by breaking line of sight--assuming a Venari has not been attached--prior to the spell reaching one’s body), and in a quick on-and-off burst is typically more than enough to knock even the strongest willed, pain tolerant, out-of-their-blasted-mind person to the ground.

They may not stay down, but it can easily give more than enough time to get proper binding in place or to exterminate the threat, as it were. Many times, if the cause of the fight is a mind that’s gone temporarily off the rails, the shock of pain is capable of dragging them (willingly or not) back to some semblance of reality and coherence.

When used as a burst spell instead of a sustained curse, it is also possible to target specific body parts as opposed to the whole body being hit; this most commonly takes the form of a very nearly impossible to block disarming charm (Expelliarmus). In the majority of cases, when the wand hand is hit, it reflexively jerks to an open position which, obviously, causes the wand to fall to the ground, interrupting any casting and effectively disarming the caster.

The pain does not necessarily stay localised, depending on the level of control of the one casting it, and may radiate up or around the area hit to some degree; the less control, the less concentration of pain in a small area.

This can be applied to any targeted area of the body for varying effects.

When not being used as a sustained curse, it becomes significantly easier to cast the spell wordlessly. This gives an advantage in a duel—likely the unfriendly sort of duel—in that the visual of the Cruciatus Curse itself is extraordinarily similar to other, more commonly used defensive spells that are often cast wordlessly.

Unless one is paying specific attention to the other caster’s wand movements, it is likely that they will misinterpret what is happening as a defensive maneuver as opposed to offensive, and will find themselves affected accordingly.

Interestingly, most cases of the spell being used in this way aren’t strictly intentional; it happens accidentally when the intent is to use the curse in its sustained form, but the caster lacks the proper intent or will to actually sustain it for more than a second or two.

When it is used purposely in a burst mode, it is highly effective at disarming and disabling an opponent long enough to subdue them properly.

There is a marked difference between what I’m terming accidental, burst, and sustained.

Accidental usually occurs as a ‘heat of the moment’ sort of thing.  An emotional response; there is very little intent behind it, just a rather large burst of anger or desperation to get an opponent to back off. It’s spontaneous in the fact that the caster does, in fact, speak the incantation but, in those cases, it is not sustained and is rarely repeated.

Often the caster will be thoroughly horrified when they realise what they’ve done.

When it is cast with that sort of method, it rarely lasts more than a fraction of a second, though that can be enough to interrupt and knock the target to its knees.

Burst is intentional, but not with the intent to torture, simply with the intent to cause a severe flash of usually localised pain to quickly disable an opponent. This method is calculated and intentional, but not sustained, and the caster may repeat if their opponent does not stay down or is not disabled to the point of capture.

Most commonly, it’s directed at the opponent’s wand hand in an effort to disarm them by forcing them to reactively drop their wand as a response to the pain.

Less skilled casters may not be able to keep it as localised as they wish and it may spread to an entire limb or side of the body instead of just the point they were hoping to target.

It’s still intentional, just less finely controlled.

It’s also typically silent or murmured quietly to help disguise it from a blockable disarming charm or stunning spell.

Sustained is torture, nothing more, nothing less.

It’s the pure–if you will–intent behind the curse.

The incantation is almost always spoken, even if not necessary, simply to add to the psychological effect on the victim.

Technically, one could call it disabling, but the primary (not to mention most common) use when the spell is sustained for more than a brief second, is to torture the victim either for information, out of malice, or simply for fun in the case of the more twisted sorts that use it.

Those who fall into insanity after prolonged exposure do so because of the physical trauma combined with the psychological trauma that stems both from the physical pain and the fact that it was another person that willingly went through with it. Though, really, any form of extended physical torture,  magical or otherwise, will cause that.

I would venture a guess that any milder after effects, such as the nightmares mentioned, stem more from that as well; the curse itself only causes intense physical pain, though enough of that can drive a mind to insanity as a partial self-defence mechanism.

It is possible, though not advisable, to re-train one’s reflexes to grasp whatever is being held--in the case of dueling, likely a wand--tighter as opposed to releasing one’s grip on it, but that requires a good deal of practise as well as a good deal of voluntary exposure to the curse itself.

Having done that, I can’t say I’d recommend it at all.

Repairing or Mitigating Damage:

Mensrapere is a useful spell for this, though it does require you trust someone well enough to let them have open access to your mind. Occlumency will not block Mensrapere. It will slow the progress of the caster, but not be able to keep them out indefinitely.

It should also be noted that, currently, the Ministry of Magic considers Mensrapere to be a curse that may give them cause to send one to Azkaban for its use. Prior to its reclassification as a curse in 1895, it was used primarily to repair magical damage done to the victim’s mind. Despite its reclassification as a curse, it was still quietly used by healers up until 1924.

While the Ministry of Magic would likely deny its use in interrogations, it was, more or less, an open secret that Aurors used it for interrogation of suspected Death Eaters or supporters thereof during the First War.

The spell can be used, by someone who is skilled with it, to repair or at least lessen the damage caused by the Cruciatus Curse. It is worth noting, however, that while things are being put back in order, the person being “repaired” will experience the same sensations of the curse only without the damage. As near as I’ve been able to tell it has to do with how broken connections are patched back together by the person using Mensrapere.

Tolerance

I’ve long thought, but had no proof, that repeated exposure, in short bursts does build up a tolerance to the curse itself.

For purposes of this paper, short encompasses anything shot of causing irreversible brain damage that leaves the victim alive but in a nearly catatonic state.

The majority of the time, when I’ve been exposed to this curse, it has been poorly to moderately cast, typically unmodified, and in a duration of under ten minutes; when modified, even shorter, as those who modify it are also those who have read this paper and realise that the potential for lethality would increase with the level of modification and duration.

Or, at least, that’s true in my case.

After forty-one years, I was able to find someone more than willing to use the fully modified version; as of yet, I’ve not been able to find a modification beyond that one that increases any of the effects or side effects.

I have, as described in previous sections, lasting damage from its use some fifty years ago and, while manageable, they will still manifest in times of stress or when I’m otherwise physically or magically injured.

This time, my first notes on being able to think clearly again are:

The duration to achieve the effects of previous sections of this paper have, over time, crept up. Duration that would have put me to the edge of death without intervention from the casting party have gone up by several minutes; from just under five minutes to 10 minutes 48 seconds.

Side effects remain roughly the same, though the duration required to achieve them has gone up by several seconds, up to sixty.

It will still trigger flare-ups, as it were, of existing neurological damage caused by past use of the curse.

New side effects after prolonged low level exposure include:

Numb nail beds; the nails themselves do not have nerve endings which is why you can clip or file your nails without it being painful, but the nail bed itself contains a great number of nerves. As opposed to previous numbness in the extremities, with gradual return of feeling, this specifically was the nail bed only. Odd feeling if one has long nails, but not intolerable or unsettling.

A crawling sensation over the top of the skin, which differentiates between the crawling sensation one gets under the skin with the type of blood magic used at the same time.

That same sensation extends to any area that has any sort of hair on it, the most interesting one, in my subjective opinion, being the eyelashes.

Breathing does not return evenly and normally; one diaphragm will typically fall back into its normal rhythm a few minutes before the other. Odd sensation, but not painful, and it does not restrict breathing.

Numb teeth, inner mouth, and throat; as with the other described symptoms, not damaging, not painful, just a strange feeling if you’re not used to it. Anyone who has eaten incredibly spicy food is likely already used to all three sensations.

The ability to recall what was said for the duration; previously, due to the nature of the curse, one’s mind would often go blank for the duration due to what amounts to every section of the neurological system being set off at once. This time, I was able to recall clearly what was being said and done during.

Significantly less brain fog in the aftermath.

I still would not recommend anyone else attempt to build up this sort of tolerance as mine was built over the better half of seventy years and, when so many parts of it take one to the every edge of Death or, worse, irreversible damage to the mind, it’s recommended that one not simply casually experiment.

The chance of death or irreversible damage to the mind is significant, and there is no reversal to either under normal circumstances. [3]

Miscellaneous Note:

It is not required to use a wand for the curse or its modifications if the caster possesses sufficient skill and force of will to make it happen; even the presence of magic dampening security is easy to break though for those with a properly impressive mind. [4]

Additional Observations:

As with most magic, intent plays an integral part in overall success; this particular charm (specific classification of curse) requires resolute and sustained intent if the caster wishes it to last for anything other than a split-second burst.

While it will still cause the appropriate level of physical pain based on the modifications used any damage beyond the temporary will, as with the unmodified cast pattern, cause permanent physical, neurological, or psychological damage to the victim.

The duration that encompasses "beyond the temporary" varies with the modification(s) used and can be as short as five minutes to as long as several days[2] in the case of the unmodified cast pattern.

With this charm specifically, the type and level of pain produced by the caster is more dependent on the cast pattern modifications used than the intent.

Inconsistencies in the pattern manifest as inconsistencies in the type and severity of pain caused; this spell is easily modified and inconsistencies in the cast pattern manifest as different sensations at different levels of severity.

More recent testing inadvertently brought this to light as one of the original group had significantly inconsistent cast patterns, not to the point of failure, but to the point that the spell, cast by that particular person, was just slightly different every single time.

In the latest rounds of testing, those who had been assisting had very precise, very consistent patterns to their casting and there were no observed differences in the application of the charm regardless of the caster's intent; changes were only present if the caster changed their cast pattern, even when those changes were imperceptible when watching the wand move.

As it requires so little variation to produce different effects, there is a strong possibility that even those who believe their casting to be consistent and reliable are not nearly as consistent as they think.

Conclusion:

This does have implications in other areas of spell work as, while intent does play a part, what plays a larger part for spells that require or are easier to handle when a wand is involved is how accurately one can move one's wand.

The Cruciatus Curse has the reputation that it has for very good reason, and the only possible positive uses it could have fall under the quick burst casts meant to quickly disable a dangerous person and get them subdued with minimal fuss.

When cast silently (or at least quietly), it is difficult to know what is being cast unless you’re familiar with the wand movement, which makes it effective for a quick takedown.

I’ll likely be modifying and updating this document further as there are always new discoveries to be made.

[1] Revisions on Venari

[2] Not sustained for several days without a break; typically, it's in episodes of 30-120 minutes broken up throughout the day(s) without leaving time in between for the victim's body and mind to begin to repair the damage.

As with anything, it varies from person to person and depends heavily on the target's overall physical and mental health.

[3] Nothing about my situation can be considered normal. Attempts to replicate the same results would take others decades, if they were successful at all. It is completely possible that I am an anomaly in this regard. Still, it is proof that such things are a possibility.

[4] So far, I've only encountered one person apart from myself (and even then, I doubt I would be able to manage it under the weight of magic dampening warding) capable of such a feat. The amount of profanities all but spat at me at the suggestion of him being credited would indicate that, for the moment, he wishes to remain an anonymous contemporary.