#like i said i am so bad at being sociable its funny

[sohyuki]

you are the ‘you scare me’ BUT IN A GOOD WAY BC YOU’RE SO COOL!! with a bit of talkative hehe <3

thank you for saying i'm cool because i literally cringe at myself sometimes 😔👍 and i'm sorry that i scare you 😭😭😭

[letsgetusaghostfriend]

A Green Day concert, a bloody nose and a coming out – Sunset Curve & Green Day I

Summary: Luke and Bobby got them tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd 1994, also known as the night Billie Joe punched a homophobe and Alex came out to the guys.

Friendship fic, super Alex & Bobby centred, Luke and Reggie are not straight but don’t know that yet. Also, I know most people think Alex came out way earlier, but he has to not be out for this story to work.

((warnings: homophobia, homophobic language (not fully written out except in the band name of the opening act), slight violence, mentioned: alcohol, underage drinking (I am german, so for me it’s not underage drinking but yeah), in general: swearing))

word count: 4.9k, read here on AO3 x

~

Luke and Bobby got four tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd in 1994, it was one of Green Day’s bigger shows at that time. The boys previously have been to other concerts of the band, but the last one was in a small club in ’92, of course, all four of them being way too young for that place. Luke and Reggie were the first ones out of their group to get fake ID’s, mainly to go to gigs and play gigs. In the beginning, Alex thought he would never do the same, too scared of possible consequences, but then Luke used his stupid puppy eyes. (They still work even after Alex crush died, dead and buried). And if he was being honest, it was really helpful for playing clubs if the owners can at least pretend that they believe the four boys are old enough to be there.

Alex was aware that Green Day’s opening act, Pansy Division, was an all-gay band. And he was excited and scared at the same time. He found out because this one kid in his English class, Josh, went to the San Diego show earlier that week and told one of his friends that he shouldn’t go to the LA show as Green Day was just a bunch of “f*g lovers” and not worth their time. So Alex was scared: what if his friends would say the same thing?

They arrive late and the line is massive, Alex anxiety pitches in and reminds him that if it takes too long for them to get inside, he might miss Pansy Divisions performance. Logically he knows that they wouldn’t start letting people in so late that the opening band already starts when most people are not inside yet, but his anxiety is not that into logical thinking. He can’t help being fidgety, at one point Luke noticed and asks him if the crowd is making him uncomfortable. “Yeah, a little bit” Alex responds, not wanting further questions about why he was so anxious. The boys keep close to the bar, staying in the back first, not too excited to get into the crowd just yet. Alex knows the others would be inside the first mosh pit if it wasn’t for his anxiety, but not once did they show any signs of annoyance about his hesitancy. They just patiently wait for Alex to get used to the crowd and atmosphere, never angry when he has a bad day and he never signals that it is okay for them to go into the more crowded areas. Sometimes, especially when Luke doesn’t know where to put his energy he and Reggie go, but they always make sure that at least one person stays with Alex. He probably should tell them how thankful he is for this more often (the others would disagree here since they feel like Alex thanks them too much).

When Pansy Division started playing Alex didn’t expect them to actually sing about hooking up with guys at rock concerts, loving men, having real, deep and meaningful relationships and just, in general, doing normal daily life stuff, living with a boyfriend and how it feels after a breakup. He feels so excited, almost jumping up and down to the beat, not able to put his excited energy out on the drums like he would if it was their own concert. Alex completely forgets to check the guys for any reactions, too involved in the music. He doesn’t see that the other three boys enjoy Pansy Divisions music just as much as he does. He doesn’t see Bobby eyeing him from the side, a knowing glint in his eye.

Alex doesn’t know that Bobby saw the way Alex would look at Luke when they were 14, at Brian from History when they were 15, and how he sometimes looks at pictures from Billie Joe Armstrong in magazines. Bobby also didn’t miss Alex’ obsession with the song Coming Clean. The other boys sometimes forget about how Bobby’s parents are genuine open-minded people, who introduce him to a lot more diverse people than his friends’ parents do. So yes, maybe Alex was discreet enough for Mr Luke Oblivious Patterson and Captain Reg Oblivious Peters, and his parents who anyway only see what they want to see, but not for Bobby. Bobby, who might from an outsider’s perspective looks like he is standing a bit outside this friendship group due to him being less loud and sociable than his friends, but Bobby who loves his friends with all his heart, Bobby who truly sees his friends and knows that this is where he belongs. Seeing the absolute bliss, happiness and excitement streaming from Alex like waves is contagious.

After Pansy Division finished their set and there was a short break before Green Day would start theirs, Bobby slips from their group, mumbling that he would get another beer. Instead, he goes to buy Pansy Divisions EP, because the band was genuinely good but mostly because he knows Alex wouldn’t buy it, but he will definitely want it. On his way to the little corner where they sell the Green Day merch as well as Pansy Division stuff, Bobby realises that it was actually packed, but he soon saw that it was just a long long line for the Green Day merch. Actually, there are so many people he can’t even see the Green Day merch salesperson. He manages to get to the guy who took care of the Pansy Division stuff, he greets him with a head nod and a short “hey”, while scrambling his money out of his pant pockets to count it. He’ll have to nick a bit off of Luke’s beer later, not having enough money left to buy another one. When he reaches out to hand out the money for the CD somebody joins the guy who cared for the merch. Bobby recognises that it’s the singer of Pansy Division and he smiles at him. “Great performance, really enjoyed you guys’ music!”. The singer grins at that and holds out his left hand, which Bobby finds a bit strange, but takes it nonetheless.

“Jon, nice to meet you.”

“Bobby, pleasure is all mine.”

“Ah, you’re a musician yourself!” Jon says while checking out Bobby as if he could tell whether the kid in front of him was any good based on his appearance. It took the guitarist a second to realise that Jon must’ve felt his calloused fingers from playing the guitar during the handshake. “Yeah, I’m actually here with my bandmates.” A voice in his head, that sounds suspiciously like Reggie tunes in with “We’re Sunset Curve, tell your friends.” But Bobby pretty much felt like a child trying to play in the adults’ league, so he doesn’t say anything else. Jon grabs the CD he was about to buy and opens it while asking “So Bobby, is the CD for you or someone else?” Taken aback by that question Bobby tells him without thinking “We kind of always share records. Em, so maybe Sunset Curve?” Jon who was about to sign the inside of the CD case, pauses and looks up again “You’re in Sunset Curve?”

“Yeah, rhythm guitar.” He answers without much of a thought, it takes him two seconds then he adds: “You’ve heard of us?” Jon chuckles at Bobby’s shocked tone.

“Saw you play a few months ago. Didn’t remember your name till Mike mentioned one of your songs, always called you “the band with the cute drummer” actually.” Jon casually explained to a still shell-shocked Bobby. The comment about Alex makes him choke on his own spit though. Jon smirks, but before he can say more Bobby’s mouth starts talking before his brain gave its okay: “You saw us well enough to say that Alex is cute, but you didn’t recognise me?” After the words left his mouth, he feels his face heat up.

‘Way to embarrass yourself by having too much of an ego, Robert, great job’, he thought to himself. But Jon again laughs it off, as if he made a funny joke, smirks and asks if Alex was here tonight.

“He is,” Bobby says, voice cold, “he is also sixteen.”

Now it was Jon’s time to look embarrassed. “Oh shit, never mind then.” He pauses. “Sixteen is a bit young to play that club you played, isn’t it?” He pauses again. “You guys take this whole music thing seriously, I like that!”

More at ease again after Jon’s reaction to Alex’ age, Bobby’s brain finally catches up with everything Jon said before he called Alex cute.

“Wait, Mike as in Mike Dirnt? As in Mike Dirnt mentioned one of our songs?” he asks astounded. Jon laughs at the utter bewilderment that the younger one’s face was showing. But before he could say something about it a loud voice behind Bobby sneers: “Oh look at that, Bobby the f*g lover.” He turns around and sees Andrew from his math class. “Always knew at least one of you would be a shirt lifter!”

Bobby tries to take a deep breath before he answers but Jon beats him to it. “I would really think people were clever enough to listen to lyrics, but you still find the poser ones at these concerts, especially since Dookie got Green Day so popular outside of the scene!” Bobby needed a few seconds to realise that Jon wasn’t even talking to Andrew but instead just talked about him to Bobby and the guy selling the merch.

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that you fucking fairy!” Andrew sneers, stepping closer to Jon. As soon as Andrews anger is directed towards Jon and not Bobby anymore, the guitarists fight instinct kicks in.

“Fairy? Really?” he asks Andrew with a snigger in his voice, “Didn’t know we live in the 50s, Andrew. Learned all these terms from your daddy?” Bobby tries to make his voice sound as degrading as possible. For a second it seems like Andrew might shut up and leave but then Jon starts laughing loudly about Bobby’s comments and before anyone can react Andrew takes a swing and hits Jon right on the mouth. Without thinking, Bobby copies his action and the next thing he knows is that his hand hurts and Andrew has a red square on the side of his face. He glares at the guitarist and strikes again. This time the fist hits Bobby’s nose and he sees black stars in front of his eyes for a few seconds. After that, all hell is breaking loose and Bobby is being pushed around for what feels like a few minutes before he gets pulled aside and finds himself behind the selling booth with Jon by his side who has a busted lip that is still bleeding. Jon has a hand on the teen's shoulder and looks worried at him. “Fuck your nose does not look too good!” he says. Hearing the words Bobby brings his hand up to his nose and winces when he feels a sharp pain as soon as his fingers touch his nose. “Fuuuuuuuuck, Alex is going to kill me!” he groans at the thought of how the blond will react to seeing Bobby like this.

“Hey man, good punch you got on the dickhead there!” an excited voice states beside Bobby, which makes him turn his head probably a bit too quick, considering he just got punched in the face a few minutes before. But the guitarists' instincts were right: standing beside him was no other than Green Days’ singer, Billie Joe Armstrong. The blond (with fading blue in his hair) is smiling at Bobby and continues with “but I think mine was even better” while pointing at something behind Bobby, who turns around just in time to see security carrying a half-conscious Andrew out of the venue.

“You know that guy?”

“He goes to my school!” Bobby answers, still in awe looking after Andrew.

“Oh, you need to tell me about how he looks tomorrow, man I don’t miss high school but I’d love to go to school just to see that!” Billie Joe tells him and Jon, still sounding way too excited. When Bobby turns around again to look at the two musicians in front of him, he catches Jon telling Billie Joe that Bobby is part of the band they talked about the other day. Somehow getting even more excited by the news he fully turns back to Bobby. “Love that! We need more good people in this scene so we can make sure the music stays clean of dudes like that! Well, it was lovely punching homophobes with you Bobby, but I actually have a concert to play!”

And with that Billie Joe is gone through the door leading to the backstage area and Bobby looks at Jon hoping that he can find answers with him (like is he hallucinating?) but he just chuckles at the teenagers in awe face and takes the CD Bobby wanted to buy all along, as well as the money he had already paid and hands both back at the teen with the words “I think you paid enough for this already, thanks for sticking up for me!” And adding, when Bobby tries to give the money back again, “You better go so your bandmates don’t worry and you don’t miss the Green Day show!” Bobby thanks him and with a smile he makes his way back to the other boys while putting the money and the CD into his pockets.

When Alex finally sees Bobby come back to them, he feels relief washing over him. Alex always hates it when they split especially if one of them is on their own and Bobby has been gone for way too long. The first thing Alex notices is that Bobby doesn’t carry any beer or anything else that he could’ve brought from a bar, the second thing is that Bobby’s nose is bleeding. The easing relief is instantly replaced by worry as Alex's brain catches up with his eyes. As soon as the guitarist reaches them Alex starts searching his fanny pack for tissues and anything else that can help with a bloody nose, all while berating Bobby about getting into a fight. Reggie and Luke excitedly ask Bobby about it, but when their bleeding bandmate tries to tell them about what happened Alex just shushes him and gestures for him to look up so that he can take a better look at his nose. While Alex is still cleaning up Bobby’s face the crowd starts cheering and Alex turns around quickly to confirm his suspicion that the main act finally made it on stage. He keeps on cleaning his friends face from now slightly dried blood when he hears Billie Joe's voice over the speakers.

“Sorry guys, I know we’re late, but I had to punch a homophobe…” The rest of the sentence does not reach Alex’ brain as he looks at one of his best friends, whose nose was bleeding after obviously being punched and all he can hear is white noise, while the realisation, that Bobby being the homophobe who was just punched by Green Days’ singer, sets in. He feels a sharp sting in his chest all while feeling overwhelmed by fear, cold naked fear. And his thoughts race through his brain, too fast to actually make any sense, all he knows is that his worst nightmare seems to be coming true: the people he trusts the most will eventually leave him. They will hate him. They will think he is disgusting, and they will leave him. Unconsciously he takes a step back from Bobby, taking both his hands off his friends face but before he can totally spiral into his thoughts, he is caught by Bobby who holds the drummer by his wrists and looks at him like Alex offended him deeply.

“Seriously?” Bobby’s voice comes out sharper than he probably intended, softening his tone as he sees Alex flinch at him, “You actually think I am homophobic? Fuck Alex do you really think that poorly of me?” The guitarists' words and face are both filled with what Alex can only describe as hurt. Bobby attempts to say more but he is cut off by Billie Joe's voice coming over the speakers saying his name.

“A special thanks to Bobby from Sunset Curve! Make sure you check them out they’re a local band that’ll make it big one day, I’ll promise you! I swear, give them less than a year and they’ll be playing here on this very stage! Thanks, Bobby, for helping me punch a dickhead!” And with that they start into their first song, leaving the boys standing completely mind blown in the back, each one trying to comprehend what just happened. After a few seconds, Reggie, Luke and Alex all turn to Bobby with questioning faces, but Bobby concentrates on Alex’ face. “Do you believe me now?” When Alex nods the, still bleeding, guitarist feels relief wash over him. “Good! Because I already have your Christmas present and I literally know no one else who has the same taste that you have!” He actually manages to make Alex smile with his stupid comment, feeling like they might be okay again, he holds onto Alex’ sleeve, needing something to ground him, knowing that Alex is uncomfortable with public affection. He turns to Luke and Reggie who as soon as they have his attention try to bombard him with questions, but he stops them and promises to tell them later.

___

After the concert:

When they leave the venue, a wave of, for L.A. unusually cold air, hits Bobby’s face and clears his head a little, making it easier to think about everything that had happened. As he was the first one out of the four to step out in the cold air, he takes a deep breath before turning around to see the other three boys walk up to him. He notices that Alex pulls his jean jacket tighter around his body, clearly not enjoying the cold air as Bobby does. He smiles at Bobby and then follows Reg and Luke who started walking towards the side street where they parked the van before the concert. The two boys talk animatedly about the Green Days show, analysing every detail. Seeing one of their favourite bands live did distract the two enough for them to not ask any further questions, right now. Alex smile tells Bobby that the same did not count for the blonde boy. Bobby jogs up to Alex to walk beside him, but when he tries to initiate a conversation with his bandmate, the blonde just shakes his head and mumbles, that he has things to think, but as if to calm Bobby down, Alex takes his hand and squeezes it before they reach their van. The van they brought because they actually started to be able to book enough gigs to pay for it (and to actually need it), they all paid for it, even though they don’t talk about the fact that Bobby paid the biggest part, with him having the only parents who actually support the band.

Bobby is driving, with Alex in the passenger seat lost in his thoughts and Luke and Reggie in the back, trying to get Bobby to finally tell them about what happened at the venue. The guitarist promises to tell them as soon as they arrive at the garage, but despite the impatience from Luke and Reggie to find out about everything they still have a quick stop at a small diner on their way home to get their after-concert food.

Alex, Reggie and Luke all go straight for the couch while bobby prefers sitting on the floor, facing them. For a few seconds they all munch happily but soon Luke starts bugging Bobby about what happened at the club, so he puts his sandwich aside and takes a short breath. He doesn’t know where to start, he kind of wants Alex to know that he got the CD for him, but he doesn’t want to put any pressure on Alex, nor does he want the other two to find out about Alex liking boys before Alex wants them to.

“So,” Bobby starts, “we all really liked Pansy Division, right?” he asks with a nervous laugh tinting his words. He looks at the three boys on the couch for confirmation and gets it from two of the boys while Alex looks like he gets scared by the simple indication that he might have really liked the queer band they all saw tonight. Bobby acts like he didn’t see it while deciding, that he won’t tell the blond that Jon was hitting on him. That might be a bit much information for one night. “Well, I thought,” he continues while pulling out the CD he brought earlier “I’ll get us their CD.” He waves the CD then places it on the table in front of the couch so the guys can look at it.

“And that’s where I met one of the band members, Jon, he is the singer.” He looks up at his friends who all stare at him with a mixture of shock and curiosity on their faces, even Alex nervousness seems replaced. ‘I didn’t even get to the really shocking parts yet’, Bobby thought to himself.

“Okay, so we got talking, he found out I play in a band and when he asks for a name to use to sign the CD I just said Sunset Curve, because we always share records, like I mean I don’t even know who owns what anymore!” Luke looks dead serious while nodding his head, Alex starts smiling slightly and Reggie looks like he is trying really hard to separate their shared music collection in his head.

“Anyway, it turns out he saw one of our shows earlier this year and apparently, he was talking about one of our songs with Mike, but before you get too excited, I couldn’t ask him about it because that dick Andrew from my math class interrupted us. He called me a – eh, never mind” he stops himself, giving Alex a short glance – “he started calling me and Jon names and I kind of started making fun of him for using really outdated terms and when Jon laughed about that, Andrew hit him and then I hit Andrew and he hit me back and suddenly everything got crazy. Next thing I know is that I am behind the merch booth with Jon and Billie Joe Armstrong, and Andrew is being carried outside by security.” He tries to rush the words out fast enough so that Luke doesn’t stop him because of the band being recognised and Alex doesn’t stop him because he hit someone.

“And then Billie Joe finds out I am in Sunset Curve and he says something about it being good that more good people will keep the scene going or something and then he pretty much left to play the show and Jon gave me the CD and I went back to you guys so you wouldn’t worry too much.” When he finally finishes his story, he is staring at three really shocked looking faces.

“Mike Dirnt and Billie Joe both know of Sunset Curve?”

“Who knew Bobby is such a badass!”

“You hit Andrew?”

All three started talking at the same time, but then Alex stands up and he looks real mad and everyone else shuts up. Bobby looks at him. “Alex, I didn’t plan to, it just happened. I got so mad when he started calling Jon these awful names and when he hit him, I just snapped.”

“What about our no fighting rule, huh?”

“So, when someone is being super homophobic, I am just supposed to do nothing?”

At that moment Bobby realises that Alex didn’t process until now that Andrew was using homophobic slurs against Bobby and Jon. He sees Alex anger vanish from him in mere seconds, replaced by fear and sadness settling in his eyes. Lips pressed into a thin line Alex sits down on the couch again. It breaks Bobby’s heart to see his friend like this. They all stay silent for a while.

“What did he say?” Alex asks with a voice so quiet Bobby almost misses it.

“Alex,” he sighs, “I am pretty sure you don’t want to know!”

With that Alex's eyes, which were glued to his hands before, snap up and meet Bobby’s. “You know, don’t you?” Alex asks Bobby, seemingly completely forgetting that the other boys are in the room.

Bobby does not know what to answer, not wanting to make Alex come out because he feels like he has to, or because Bobby figured it out already. “I only know what you want me to know, everything else is just a hunch.” He finally settles on.

Alex laughs. “So, you definitely know, and I actually thought I was being subtle.”

“I still love you, you know that, right?” Bobby just needs Alex to know that. Even if this is a weird one, Bobby wants this to be the reaction Alex gets for his first coming out.

It takes Alex a few seconds but finally, he looks up again, searching Bobby’s face for any trace of him lying. As Alex realises that the boy in front of him means what he said he feels like the biggest wave of relief washes over him. This, black-haired, awkward and quiet boy in front of him, who buys CD’s from queer bands, punches one of his classmates because he was being a homophobic bigot to a complete stranger and whose first reaction to Alex half-assed coming out is to tell him that he still loves him. This boy, who is so uncomfortable with most people touching him, who still wants to hold all of their hands all the time, calling them grounding. This boy, who would probably punch more people to protect them because he gets crazy protective about the people he cares about. And suddenly it’s difficult not to start crying and Alex feels like his voice will break if he tries to talk so he just nods.

And in that second, knowing he has Bobby on his side for this, he decides that he wants them all to know. So, he gets up from the couch and “gets on the runway” as Luke likes to call Alex’ nervous walking occasionally. After walking up and down three times, he suddenly stops, turns to Luke and Reg who look super confused by what is happening and he blurts out “Iamgay” so fast that there was no way that any of the guys could’ve understood a single word. So, he takes a deep breath and repeats: “I am gay” while standing there, eyes closed, and breath held.

“Oh, that…” Luke starts, but he gets interrupted by Reggie who says: “That makes so much sense, that is why you were staring at Brian so much last year! That really confused me, man!”

“I was... I was not staring at Brian Denver!” Alex sputters embarrassment creeping in his cheeks.

“You totally were, you even knew who Reg was talking about right away!” Luke laughs and gets up to pull Alex in a big hug, squeezing him tight. Reggie gets a hold of them and pulls them down on the couch where he squeezes between them, and wooshes through Alex’ hair affectionately. Alex, now half sitting on the couch and half lying on Reggie looks up to Bobby, who stands awkwardly in front of the couch. As the other two notice Bobby as well they all kind of freeze in their cuddle pile. Even as Bobby was more comfortable touching his bandmates than he was with touching his parents, or literally anyone else, he still never expressed any interest in being part of a cuddle pile before. Seeing how all of his friends stopped as he approached, the guitarist started taking a step back, but Alex stopped him by holding out his hand for Bobby to take. It takes him a few seconds but finally, he lets himself being pulled on top of Alex into the cuddle pile and even though it feels strange at first he likes the feeling of Alex’ soft t-shirt under his cheek, Reggie’s arm around his waist and the smell of Luke’s cologne.

Later that night Bobby snatches a picture of his best friends still cuddling on the couch hours later, now all fast asleep. He hasn’t shown that picture to anyone except for his daughter when she finds out about the band 25 years later and he decides to tell her about the loves of his life, even if most people wouldn’t recognise them as it since it was purely platonic love. And even though he got married, he never loved anyone as much, with the exception of his daughter, as he loved the three boys who left him when he was just 17 years old.

The next day Bobby snatches a picture of Andrews black eye. He shows that picture to Billie Joe, backstage at an event he attempts without his best friends after the man recognises him as the kid with whom he punched a homophobe. After that Bobby leaves the event early, not being able to hold up the image of Trevor, too consumed by grieve and guilt. Guilt over not being able to protect them. Guilt over not dying with them. Guilt over using their songs.

[aestheticallyunaesthetic17]

100 questions and answers

Who is your hero? Probably future me, i want to be able to grow up and be the better person that i hope they are, and the only way of knowing that is by making it happen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? New Zealand, Canada or USA. I lived in TX for 3 months and loved it there and I have family in NZ and Canada.

What is your biggest fear? Wasps, 100%. Not being stung but the way they look scares me.

What is your favorite family vacation? When we went to Krakow in Poland.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My skin color. I hate it so much.

What really makes you angry? People hating others or stopping others from being themselves.

What motivates you to work hard? To make future me happier than I am now.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I want to be in cabin crew, so probably the traveling.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? Being away from family.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting through the shit 2020 brought me without killing myself.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? No kids rn.

What is your favorite book to read? Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

What makes you laugh the most? My boyfriend.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Freaks. I was a bad movie, a little like the scary movies franchise. My friend was scared at parts which was super funny to watch

What did you want to be when you were small? An actor. Typical Leo ;)

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? They can be anything they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Visit Edinburgh alone.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch, American Football. To play, archery.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Drive a car, it's peaceful and warm. I would blast music.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? no idea.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Heart and Capital

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Dishes or vacuum.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work!!!

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Tandoori Prawn curry.

Who is your favorite author? Jacqueline Wilson or JK Rowling (only her books, not her)

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Just Em. But id like to be called Millie.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Depends on the surprise tbh, I like to plan a lot.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Watch a movie.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I was meant to go this year but covid and leaving the US fucked it up.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Work the perfect job, id get bored sitting around all day.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? my boyfriend.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel and see the world.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 2012. To see my Nana again.

How would your friends describe you? Stupid.

What are your hobbies? Traveling, photography, music and shopping.

What is the best gift you have been given? Forgiveness from myself.

What is the worst gift you have received? Sixe XXL jacket when im an XS

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My macbook.

List two pet peeves. - Breaking trust - Bad table manners

Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully working my dream job, maybe moved to a different country and traveling the world.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many, roughly 16

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Invisibility or teleportation.

What would you do if you won the lottery? build my own house

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Train, its so relaxing. Then planes.

What's your favorite zoo animal? Lions or tigers.

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? My time in America.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? - My nana - my bf - Princess Diana - Obama

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4, two on each side.

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? 26 hours, traveling to Texarkana from Edinburgh.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? Idk tbh

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? looks for intelligence because then you can earn enough for plastic surgery.

How often do you buy clothes? 1/2 a month

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Idk I guess so.

What's your favorite holiday? Summer vacation Christmas for an actual holiday

What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Moved half way across the world and lived with strangers.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Nothing

What was the last book you read? 1984

What's your favorite type of foreign food? Indian

Are you a clean or messy person? Both, but relatively clean

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Millie Bobbie Brown probably

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 1 hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Kettle

What's your favorite fast food chain? Chick fil A (i know, i cant buy it now tho)

What's your favorite family recipe? Nana's bacon and egg pie

Do you love or hate rollercoasters? LOVE

What's your favorite family tradition? Opening gifts on Christmas Eve

What is your favorite childhood memory? I dunno really, Ive forgotten a lot of my childhood.

What's your favorite movie? Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Beautiful Boy

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Probably 7/8 but I dont remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty.

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Said i'd come back one day.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? A boat and food. Yes i am that person.

What was your favorite subject in school? Scottish school, geography. US school, government.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Haggis

Do you collect anything? Foreign coins

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Skinny jeans, my ass looks gooood in them

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert that likes being sociable

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? hearing

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) nope

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? my dad is well know in the whisky business. Has his own prime tv show

What do you do to keep fit? Walk a lot and swim.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? nope

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? everyone is equal.

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Scottish School, my geo teacher. US school, my english teacher.

What three things do you think of the most each day? My bf, my mum and America

If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Sad, angry and anxious

What song would you say best sums you up? 17 again

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? Timothee Chalamet or Tom Holland

Who was your first crush? a boy called Finlay who i rode the bus with

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? sheep or cows very often

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 5

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? kids, married, settled down and happy. moved countries 100%

What was your first job? never had one

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? 5sos

How many languages do you speak? 1 - english

What is your favorite family holiday tradition? opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Who is the most intelligent person you know? my mum

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? a cat probably or a tiger

What is one thing you will never do again? trust people fully

Who knows you the best? my bf.

[shinymooncolor]

@siriuslyqueer gave us goalies, pining and angst. @wxlfstxrx some much needed fluff. So I thought we’d do a bromance hat trick with a little sweater weather chat. Love ya all 🏒❣️

@lumosinlove created a well of wonderful oc’s and they’re all my new mvp’s. 🥰

Sweater weather chats #3

Nado is fuckboy extraordinaire. Kuny is mad. Olli is so done. Logan does not have a curfew. Or does he? Dumo grounds Nado. Walker worships Noelle. Remus chokes on his tea. Kasey ruins zucchinis for Dumo. Does cars have names? There’s a ritual burning. Everyone is up early on a Sunday.

——

Sunday 3.44 am

7 missed calls from Nado.

Nado:

kuny please pick up

I’m sorry. Fuck I messed up okay.

I’m so sorry okay. Fuck just call me back.

Wtf you took my Porsche? Over the line man.

Fuck you told Sergei. His wife just cAlled and yelled. She’s terrifying. I’m sorry

Kuny please come home.

Sorry.

Please

Kuny

Kuny

Evgeni. Please I’m sorry okay

You’re my best fucking friend and you’re supposed to forgive me. I’m an idiot. Just come home. I’m not gonna stop texting. I will fucking not let you walk out on me man.

I said I was sorry. Please man. Sorry.

Please.

I’ll join some freakin cult and become a monk if it gets you to talk to me.

—-

Sunday 7.23 am

Nadotheman: guys has anyone heard from kuny yesterday or today? Please I need to speak to him

Sergei_81: give him some time. you did something bad and he’s mad. He will come home when he is ready

Nadotheman: he’s got my Porsche. Is he with you? Can I come over

Sergei_81: he’s not here. We got family visit. No time for your stupid fights

Prongstar: what did you do Nado? Ate his mom’s homemade cake again? Or did you forget to water his aloe Vera plant?

Ollibear: he’s here. Don’t call him.

Siriusly: what happened?

CarbO’Hara: Broke the fuckign code @nadotheman not cool

Prongstar: WHAT DID HE DO? @russiangod also how does finno know?

Ollibear: please stop texting him. I’m worried he might snap the remote or my PlayStation

LoganTremblayzzz: @nadotheman hope you got insurance. 911 turbo not looking good. Hahahaha

Prongstar: what. Happened?

Ollibear: he turned up here at 4 am, scaring the shit out of mrs. Williams next door. Woke up when she screamed. Apparently 6.4” Russian guy in a black hoodie is not what you expect to bang on your door at that hour. He’s been fuming in Russian ever since. And he ate all our Doritos. Stole nado’s Porsche. We gathered he’s mad at Nado but not sure why. Got him to at least talk to Sergei

Sergei_81: he’s got good reason to be mad. Nado can tell you what he did.

Timmyforrealz: what does this mean: он спал с моим двоюродным братом @sunnysideup @sergei_81

Sunnysideup: what?? Oh nado. This is bad.

Prongstar: I used google translate. @nadotheman you slept with his sister?!

Siriusly: !!!

Talkiewalkie: over the line bro. Damn.

Sunnysideup: wait he doesn’t have a sister? Does he?

Sergei_81: yes he means cousin.

DamnFoxy: wow. This is lowkey funny. Sorry but I’m laughing

Prongstar: spit my tea out

RussianGod left the conversation

Nadotheman: fuck look what you idiots did.

Siriusly: you did his cousin.

DamnFoxy: 😂😂😂

Talkiewalkie: uh not cool bro. Like. Fuck.

Timmyforrealz: you talkin about fucking sisters? Aren’t you putting the moves on Logan’s sister?

LoganTremblayzzz: @timmyforrealz 🤦🏽🙅🏼🙍🏾👎🏻🖕🏻

Talkiewalkie: I’m dating noelle. Not putting moves on her. I’m worshipping the very ground she walks on. She’s a goddess and I’m but a mortal man

Kaneyoudigit: can you just keep it in your pants for once, Nado…. jeez

Eliascookie: HAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHHH. You’re never meeting my sister. Ever. Damn.

Newt-leo: shut up this isn’t about noelle. Nado wtf? Didn’t wanna believe Finn and lo. He’s texted finn but in Russian. Think it was meant for sergei. Did you really sleep with his cousin?

Krisvolley: wow. Anyone checking up on Kuny? Shit. Can’t leave the two of you alone.

LeWilliam: yeah, is Kuny alright @ollibear? Also, @nadotheman - you freaked when he kissed that waitress. Karma is a fuckin bitch 😏

Nadotheman: fuck off cubs.

EvanderBell: oi. No need to be mad at us. You messed up. You deserve this. Also if he totals Dolores it’s totally on you!

Nado the man: shut up. Everyone. I know I screwed up okay? Fucking hell. They look nothing alike and she didn’t tell me.

Sunnysideup: didn’t you meet her through kuny?

Nado the man: well yea. went out for a drink. Kuny was being boring and went home. Talked to her and we got along and well.

Bradygunz: did you at least pay for her drink? Also uncool bro

Nado the man: I paid. Fuck off.

Dumodad: I’m away for 1 day. 1 day boys. @nadotheman do I have to ground you? Adele is serving 2 weeks for lying about her homework and having a boy in her rooM after curfew.

Prongstar: dropped the ball with Logan then @dumodad, eh?

Sergei_81: I support grounding Nado.

LoganTremblayzzz: @prongstar like lily didn’t ground you when you came home sans shirt and with kasey’s jeans on backwards Also I never had girls in my room after curfew. Also don’t have curfew.

Dumodad: yes you did. Curfew at least.

Blizzard: holy fuck. Just woke from a nap. Wtf? Also @prongstar, @logantremblayzzz never had GIRLS in his room. Just had Leo and finn. Playing hide the zucchini.

Siriusly: @blizzard. Loops just choked on his tea.

Dumodad: I can never eat a zucchini again. Merde

BliZzard: just keeping it real boys. Also don’t be hard on @nadotheman he’s a man whore. One day he’ll grow up

Nadotheman: I’m older kasey and shut up

Ollibear: Nado you really have to apologize.

Timmyforrealz: @nadotheman this is serious. Olli just ate a box of moomin cookies. Nado please fix your relationship. Olli can’t handle his parents fighting. He’s legit green looking. He’s eating junk food. I’m scared.

Nadotheman: Olli tell them you were there. She came on to me. She never mentioned Kuny

Ollibear: I’m not getting involved. Also you owe me $432 for the champagne. And he introduced you before he left.

Prongstar: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Dumodad: @nadotheman you’re grounded. No clubbing or I will call your mom.

———

Sunday 7.56 am

Nado: Olli please is he with you guys? I need to speak to him.

Olli: I’m sorry he doesn’t wanna see you. Please give him some time.

Nado: 💔

—

Sunday 8.02 am

Nado: I’m not gonna leave. I’m parked outside and you’ve got to call the cops to get me to leave. You’re my best friend dammit and I’m sorry. Fuck please just talk to me!

Kuny: don’t want talk. Is hard. I’m smart in Russian. English stupid.

Nado: wait then get Olli or Timmy to type it. Just tell me how I can make it up to you.

Kuny: hi Nado. Olli here, I’m typing for him. Timmy is trying to salvage our remote.

I’m trying to type and understand ok? Kuny knows his cousin is (I’m paraphrasing here - I refuse to call a woman that) sociable and he’s mostly upset cause he’s worried about you. Okay he didn’t mean that - he means that he’s upset you slept with her but he’s also worried cause he says you fall in love too quickly. (You two are idiots - he’s trying to protect your feelings) he does not want me to type that. But he broke our remote. But he’s also mad you slept with her after he said not to. And he claims he did tell you. How much did you two drink? When I picked up the tab you’d only had a few bottles of champagne and you gave most of that to the hen party in the next booth. Also he’s mad you had sex - god, Nado - the living room, really? At least go into your bedroom. Apparently you had a deal you wouldn’t do that. Wow you need some self control buddy. Okay. Now he’s saying that he’s okay to talk to you. So you can come in. You better have showered!!!!

—-

Sunday, 8.27 am.

KrisVolley: @ollibear, what’s going on?

Ollibear: they’re fucking idiots. Stupid overgrown manbabies.

Timmyforrealz: well. Olli cursing is hilarious. It’s like Casper the friendly ghost saying fuck... 😂 Quite anti-climactic. Was anticipating a fist fight or at least a black eye. They just talked and @nadotheman cried. Ha. Long clingy chat short; Kuny was afraid his cousin was just using Nado - like he’d ever object? Nado admitted he was drunk and upset with Kuny over something else (they’re like my teenage twinsisters I swear) also Kuny was mad Nado fucked his cousin on the couch. So not classy @nadotheman... Jesus this soap opera is like the episode of friends where chandler is in a box.

Sergei_81: they ok?

Nadotheman added RussianGod to the chat

RussianGod: we good. But he has to do embarrassing thing now. I chose. Will think long before decide. Also he buy new couch

Prongstar: Kuny my dear friend - I will happily help think up evil revenge. Also burn the couch

Nadotheman: I didn’t fucking cry. He stinks. My eyes watered from the stench.

Blizzard: aw Nado its okay. We know you’re in an established bro-tionship.

Talkie-walkie: am I the only one worried about the Porsche? She does not deserve to suffer just because Nado is a slut.

RussianGod: dolores is fine. Love car too much. Only wanted to scare Jackie.

Nadotheman: stop calling me that kun(t)y. 😘

Ollibear: ffs you two just made up, just kiss and get the fuck out. I’m done being your therapist. Good night.

Timmyforrealz: they broke olli. He even kicked a chair and hurt his toe. Haha he’s cursing in Finnish. He also has hidden nado’s car keys. Dolores is ours now.

——

They did a ritual burning of the couch. Dumo did call Nado’s mother. She grounded him and gave Kuny a bunch of embarrassing photos of teenage Nado. We’re talking frosted tips and platform shoes.

[laurelleghuleh]

OCAF | Ch. 3 “Heart, tell them what you came for”

Warnings: read the masterlist first

Songs: “Tell Them” by James Blake, "Forever & Ever More" - Nothing But Thieves, "Bad Man" - Esterly, Austin Jenckens

LEVI'S POV

"You shouldn't be here. Do you miss prison so much?" I asked her.

"I'm doing anything wrong. Please, get lost..." she paused and then slightly turned her head, just to say "captain".

Captain. I repeated the sound of her voice articulating that word a couple of times more. Captain. Captain.

"Tch. I don't care. You should be in your room, sleeping"

"I can't" She confessed.

Well, apparently, I wasn't the only one not able to catch some sleep.

"Again. I. Don't. Care. Go back to your room"

She stayed silent, ignoring me and still staring at the sky.

"Oi. Are you deaf? I said. Back. To your room. Don't make me repeat myself or I'll push you down the building"

She suddenly turned her head over her shoulder, staring at me intensely. If looks could kill, I'd be dead right now. And yet, on second thought, her eyes were pretty reddish. Glassy. Close to tears. Was she crying before I caught her?

Too distracted by my own thoughts, I didn't notice she had slowly gotten up and pretty close to me. "You are all talk, captain, and no trousers, you know? Always threatening me with death and yet here I am. Still very much alive. Living and breathing"

Her tone ignited something almost animalistic inside of me. Something wicked. And at that moment, I totally lost it. Who she thinks she's talking to?

I fiercely grabbed her collar, brought her to the very edge of the roof, almost shoving her out of it.  One of her feet slightly whipped out of the corner, but her face remained stoic. Stony-faced. She grabbed my wrist to steady herself like she was trying to provoke me, fight me, but still stayed almost unmoved.

Looking me dead in the eyes, she was waiting for the death sentence from her executioner. Not a single word. Not a single whine. Isn't she afraid of me? Isn't she even afraid of dying?This must be a bluff. And yet, she never flinched.

Enough. I decided to let her go, throwing her to the ground. "Back to your room" I said once again.

"Captain?" she mumbled while I was already closing the roof's door behind my back.

Again. Captain. Captain. I turned back.

"Captain, before you go... I wanted to say... I-I'm sorry"

"Ok. Got it. Now, back to your room"

"No" She declared standing up, right in front of me "N-not for this. Well, also, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry... for Farlan...and Isabel... I've never stopped thinking about it. You know, about your reaction. They were close to you, weren't they? I'm so sorry... I was ordered to-"

"Don't" I interrupted her "Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault. You couldn't know and that was your mission, right?" and then we stared at each other for what seemed a very long time.

I was looking for something else to say or some way to say nothing at all, but a little voice inside me told me to speak. To talk to her about it. But why? So, I soundly sighed and opened my mouth.

"Yes" I declared "We were close. Friends, you could say. More like a family, actually" She immediately tensed.

"I told you, don't be sorry... I don't need your pity" I spat as she was lightly shaking. What is the matter now? Why does she even care? Criminals don't care.

"I am. I am sorry" she replied straight away.

"You know, I'm pretty familiar with the underground. It challenges you in any way humanly possible until you can't bear it anymore, until you are capable of the most horrifying things, just to survive. Swim or you'll drown, right?"

She flinched a little and then said "So, I was right. You are the guy from the underground"

"Yeah... to be honest, our stories are pretty similar" I confessed.

"I don't think so, captain"

And then again, my childish curiosity spoke for me: "So tell me about it, cadet"

"There isn't much to say... You already know pretty much everything. Just a regular thug from the underground. Before that, to quote one of your comrades, a slut. A poor orphan making a living by working in a whorehouse. Oh, and I once was a survey corps' prisoner. The rest is history"

I couldn't find the right word to say. She really was a prostitute. And Oruo had the audacity to provoke her like that. I felt so upset. He was a great soldier but... a loutish most of the time. I was still speechless. If only she knew that also my mother used to work as a pr-...

"Well, captain, I've bothered you long enough now. So, I-"

"Forget about it" I suddenly spat "Whatever happened back then forget about it. Let your past die and most importantly, don't have any regret"

"Like you did?"

"Yes, and like you should. Be a better person. Do something good. Make new friends"

"I'm tryin-"

"No, you are not. I saw you today. I observed you. You barely speak to your mates. They are your comp-"

"I know you stared at me the whole time, captain" She teased me looking up at me. Was I staring at her? Was it that obvious? I thought.

"Shut up. That's my job, cadet. I have to survey you and your fellows"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, captain"

"Tch. Be more sociable. Full stop. Now, back to your room..."

"Look who's talking..."

"Cadet. I warn you: you're playing with fire"

"I'm just saying that I did everything I was supposed to do today. I ate. I trained. I didn't try any "funny business" as you said, so-"

"That's not enough. You have to trust them and they have to trust you. Some of them will join the Survey Corps. Some of them we'll be in our squad, so you need to trust them. The next expedition will take place soon, so be more sociable. End of discussion"

"Ok, I wasn't sociable, buuuut I observed them if that counts for anything"

"Tch. Let's hear. Enlighten me, cadet. Share with me some of your wisdom"

She frowned her forehead, upset by my little tease, and then she started "Some of them are already both talented and motivated, like that Mikasa. Then we have a bunch of "I don't know why I'm here" beefy guys. Similarly, a bunch of "I want to be here but I don't know if I should", you know, the motivated but poorly skilled type. Still, I admire their spirit, like that Armin. He seems a nice person. And lastly, the ones who give me chills. Like that blondie, Annie. Her eyes looked almost dead... Even though she was the only one truly challenging me during the combat, she mumbled some nonsense, like that she wants to survive, she won't join the survey corps. And yet, she was one of the strongest in the group. Weirdo. Oh, and talking about weirdos, let's not forget our Jean. He hit on me three times. Three. Only during the training. And then once again soon after it ended"

"So, you can be very talkative when you want to, Daphne" And also, she had quite a good intuition. She could really read people. Wait... Did I just call her by her name?

"I-I was just trying to give you my point of view, captain..." Is she blushing? "I need some more time to trust them" She continued "I'm not good at socializing, let alone trusting people. I'll do better next time"

Yeah...I know what you're talking about...Trusting people ain't my thing either.

"Try. And now, go and try to sleep" I ordered "Tomorrow it'll be quite a busy day. Erwin just informed me there'll be Eren's sentence. Have you heard of him?"

"I heard Mikasa and that short blondie talking about him. They seemed pretty worried about him. So, is it true that he can shift?"

"Yeah, he's the guy. Tomorrow the Supreme Commander will determine which division will look after him... well, survey him. He's fundamental for our mission. We can't afford to lose him. So-"

"Yeah, I know. Back. To my room." She sighed almost mimicking me. I stared at her dead in the eyes. She enjoyed teasing me way too much for my liking.

"Good night, captain"

I nodded, unable to respond, while my head was still focused on that captain.

DAPHNE'S POV

I think I'll never get used to the sky.

I've dreamed about that so many times and yet I couldn't still find my peace. It felt like I couldn't allow myself to feel at ease, let alone content to even that view.

I had no choice, and actually, their offer had given me a little more time to think again about my plan. I would have wait and then, when the right opportunity would have come, I'd run away.

Maybe during the next expedition...What a coward, I thought immediately. I couldn't not only accomplish my mission but also I was no use to their cause. What a coward. Maybe I should have helped them, for a while, and then escape.

I was so conflicted, confused.

That night changed everything for me. When that thing, the titan, attacked me nothing else mattered. Any worry I had ever had in my life couldn't compare. Its expression haunted my thoughts throughout the day as I was trying to plot my way out of that place.

I needed to go back to the underground again, I couldn't let things that way. Wait for me... Wait for me, Abi...

As her face appeared between the shining dots of the wild blue yonder, a single tear dropped down along my cheek to my jaw. "Crying won't fix anything, you coward. Stop it" a voice in my head told me.

And that's when I sensed him. Someone. No, Levi was watching me, and soon after I said something to get his attention. He was just surveying me, yeah sure, but still, his presence didn't bother me that much, quite the opposite.

Scratch that, not only the titan, also the captain and his revelation about being the guy from the underground haunted me all day and for the rest of that night too.

Fortunately, the night didn't last that long, and "a busy day" awaited me.

First thing in the morning I headed to the cafeteria where a quite enthusiastic Hange was already bothering an unfazed Levi.

"Good moooorning, little early bird!" she shouted at me, while Levi only nodded in my direction, simulating a greeting.

"Why so early, darling?" Hange asked.

"The captain had informed me just yesterday that today we would have had a lot on our plate, so I wanted to be ready as soon as possible..." I replied.

Sincerely, I didn't want to be in their way. The faster I would have gained their trust, the faster I'd had a chance to run away.

Moreover, Levi seemed rather pleased with my answer. Did I catch him hiding a little smile in his cup?

"That's great! Since she's already here you two should accompany commander Erwin to the court, I'll go get the kid. I'm so thrilled to finally meet hiiim! See you there!!" and so she left.

Again, I was left alone with the captain. He took another sip and then extended one of his arms to a table behind him. "Here, eat something, so we can arrive at the court before the crowd" said Levi, not daring to even look at me.

"Good morning to you too, captain... and thanks anyway" I didn't make him repeat it and I did as he said. But here he was again, bossing me around while being nice.

He had prepared a cup of tea and some slices of bread with jam. Did he prepare it? For me? Is he just acting like a hunter feeding his prey right before killing it, or is he actually a caring person?

My little and silent breakfast was soon over, so we headed to the stable to get a couple of horses. Levi seemed to have his own and then he grabbed another horse for me: "Take care of it. Horses are pretty smart animals" he said while brushing his horse's mane "They have a great memory and they can understand human emotions. They'll read you right away...They are known to be able to smell fear, you know? So, remember what I said to you yesterday: forget about the past and be present. Moreover, don't be afraid. Whatever you're going to see today, trust me, trust us"

I nodded, swallowing soundly. I somehow did trust them. I trusted him.

"You're such a good little liar, aren't you, Dafne? You trust him, you trust them but they shouldn't trust you. You don't deserve being here, you don't deserve being a soldier" said again that voice.

However, we made it to the court and met Erwin right in front of it. I saw both of them chatting about something and before I could catch any clue the assembly had already started. The room was packed with people: soldiers from all the ranks, regular people, and even a priest.

"Get here, next to me" said Levi catching me by surprise "Be a good girl and stay quiet until the very end" When will he stop bossing me around?I want to punch him so bad.

"Now, look there. Right in front of you. See, that's the gendarmerie, our opponent. A bunch of chickenshit... If they win Eren's custody, they'll kill him straight away. And they still dare to call themselves soldiers" he explained.

I listen to him carefully as I scanned them one by one. Then Levi pinched my hand "Here he comes".

As soon as Eren got inside the room the air got heavier. The gendarmerie was pretty agitated, they made a big fuss while arguing with a mad priest. On the contrary, Erwin confronted them and without losing his cool he proved his point. He was in charge.

But still, everybody seemed to be afraid of Eren: what if he couldn't control himself? What if he was a bluff? What if-

While the whole commission was arguing, Eren was kicked right in his face. LEVI. What the fuck is he doing??? He kicked him again, and again, and again. Even harder than before. He was ruthless. What the-

But I soon realized what he was doing. He was trying to prove he was in charge, that he had Eren under his power. He was the only one who could have stopped him if necessary. Fair enough, but isn't he even a little afraid of that kid? Levi is still a mystery.

Soon after, Mikasa tried to scream and suddenly stood up. So, I moved closer and stopped her "Wait, Mikasa. Wait and see. Trust me" I told her.

It was a setup, I knew it.

When Levi was satisfied with his job, Erwin started to speak again. He explained once again how indispensable was Eren's power to their mission and proposed to assign the boy to the only one who could have surveyed him: captain Levi. The supreme commander accepted. They won Eren's custody.

Soon after the end of the assembly, Hange, Erwin, Levi and I escorted Eren back to the HQ and tried to help him with his bruises. Hange had carried some medicine with her, but Eren was so in pain. Levi had been far from gentle with him.

That's when I remembered an unguent Martha used to hand me whenever I encountered a difficult customer. I once was beaten up pretty bad and I still remember Martha's words "Here, take this. You know, sometimes this type of thing happens around here. Get used to it, babygirl"

Yeah sure, like it was totally normal.

However, I tried my best to replicate the recipe pretty fast with some ingredients brought there by Hange.

"What are you doing, cadet?" immediately said Levi, standing behind me and observing what I was doing.

"What does it look like to you, captain? I'm trying to help him out" I confronted him.

We stared at each other. None of us dared to look away.

"Oh, c'mon Levi, cut her some slack" said Hange.

I glared at him once again and then got back to my recipe. Soon after I was finished and I handed the unguent to Eren.

Half-kneeling down in front of him I said "It should help speed up the process. Or at least it'll help endure the pain. It contains aloe" I smiled at him, trying to cheer him up a little.

"T-thank you s-so much, it feels really nice" He stuttered.

"You're welcome, kid. You did well today" I said as I playfully rubbed his head. He giggled.

"Wooo, it's true! It does feel nice. Where did you learn that, girl? I want the recipe now" Hange said enthusiastically as she was applying a little of my unguent on her arm. "This girl continues to amaze me, I'm glad you two captured her" she laughed and then she turned to face both Levi and Erwin. And so I did too.

The captain eyed me. Unfazed. A penny for your thoughts, Levi?

However, I chuckled a little. Hange's fervor was quite contagious, I must admit.

Suddenly something else caught my attention: Eren's bruises started to fade away. What the fuck?! "I think I saw something even more amazing, Hange. Look at his skin..." I said pointing to him "I don't think that was my unguent" What kind of witchcraft is this?

"No, darling, that's the titans' power. But still... how fascinating..." said Hange, drooling. Another weirdo. Well, another nice weirdo.

However, that's what Levi was talking about before. "Don't be afraid. Whatever you're going to see today, trust me, trust us" he said. I turned around to watch his reaction and he instantly glared at me. A hint of a smile appeared on my face. I wanted him to know I wasn't afraid.

The more I spent time with them the more I could see what they were about.

Soon after, Hange escorted Eren back to his dorm, while Erwin, Levi and I headed down the hallway in the opposite direction.

Before he left, Erwin said "We made it. Another step further" and then he approached me "You did well today too. Thanks for handling Mikasa, she could have gotten herself into trouble without you"

"Don't mention it, commander. She was just blinded by her feelings. She was clearly worried about Eren's fate, I totally get it" I replied.

"Sure, but you demonstrated a lot of self-control and discipline today. Well done, cadet"

"I'm just good at reading people and situations, but thanks commander" I tried to minimize my actions. "Look at yourself: behaving, obeying, being a good girl... what have you become, Daphne?" that voice inside my head echoed once again.

The commander discharged us, so Levi and I headed to our respective rooms.

"Are you happy now?" Levi suddenly asked me when we were almost at my door.

"Excuse me, captain?"

"Now I'll be on Eren's ass. I won't have time to survey you" he said, getting close to me. Way too close "Consider yourself lucky, cadet" he continued.

"If you ever miss my ass, captain, you can make an appointment. I'll definitely keep myself free for you" I teased him, preparing myself for the worst.

His jaw tensed as he scanned my face. He inhaled soundly, never looking away from me. He looked like a wild animal, a predator. His eyes were running furiously all over my face, restless.

"Calm down, captain. I was just messing with you..." I hissed, almost feeling my own breath coming back to my face. He was way too close.

"I've already warned you. Smartmouth, drop it already" he whispered "Just because you behaved today, it doesn't mean I'm buying it. I'll still keep an eye on you"

"Oh, my dear captain, I know you'll do" I teased him.

My fault. I brought it on myself. He gripped my jaw with just his hand and so my head banged on the door. He stared at me furiously but a small grin painted on my face. You don't know who you're fucking with, Levi.

He groaned and let go of me. His expression suddenly changed: did he regret acting out of rage?

"C'mon captain, it's time to go to sleep, right?" I whispered massaging my chin and trying to make eye-contact with him.

Levi suddenly grabbed my hand and took it away from my face. With his left one he cupped my cheek, so he started stroking my jaw with his thumb. I stared at him trying to keep my heart from jumping out of my ribcage.

His thumb softly traveled back and forth on my jaw, while the other fingers stayed solid on the back of my neck. What was that all of a sudden? And the expression on his face...He seemed sorry. Then his eyes traveled from my chin to my eyes, looking for something. He sighed soundly and moved his attention back to my jaw.

He eyed me once again and then left me there, without saying a word.

Once in my room, another sleepless night awaited me, and yet another day came. I really was a lucky bastard.

However, when the daylight hit my window I got up, showered and then headed to the cafeteria where again a silent Levi was waiting for me. Sitting next to him was Eren, quietly eating. On my usual seating position, there were a cup and a plate. Again, Levi had prepared that for me.

I noticed the plate was stuffed with biscuits, slices of bread and some fruits. Was he making amends for yesterday? I smiled at him, but he stayed silent.

While I was still focused on the food, he shyly scanned my face, looking for some evidence of our last encounter. I saw him out of the corner of my eyes so I kindly asked "Is everything alright, captain?" but he just gave me a dirty look.

Once he was finished with his tea he started to speak "Today we'll move out of the HQ. We will travel a little and get to an old castle, which is actually the old HQ. There we will hide you, Eren, so that freak can continue her experiments on you in peace. Hurry up and meet me at the stable" and so he left.

I rolled my eyes, so Eren laughed a little. He was clearly afraid of the captain. How can I blame him?

"Scary, isn't he?" said Eren when Levi left the cafeteria.

"He is all barks and no bite, trust me. However, I guess he is just trying to be a good captain... in his own way, but I think I get it" I admitted.

"I heard he went hard on you too, right? You are the criminal from the underground... Oh, I'm sorry, it didn't come out that well... "

"No, don't worry. You're right, I am the criminal from the underground. And yes, he wasn't that gentle with me either" I said.

"But you don't seem frightened around him, how do you do that??" I really didn't know what to say... Maybe it was because if Levi wanted me dead, I would have already been worm food.

I didn't know for how long it would have lasted, but to be honest, judging from his last behaviors Levi seemed as conflicted as I was. Luckily for me.

After we finished our breakfast, we headed out and started our little trip along with the Special Operations Squad, also known as Squad Levi: that creep Oruo, Eld, Gunther and Petra. The elite squad of the Survey Corps, hand-picked by the almighty Captain Levi.

Once there, we all reunited in front of the gate.

"Oh God, this place is a mess. Look at all that weed!" exclaimed Gunther.

Indeed, it was a mess. A huge castle, for sure, but it rather looked like a dump now.

"In which case we have a problem, don't we?" said Levi, coming from our backs "Best get a broom and get to work".

Is he for real? A question mark appeared on my face and Petra immediately caught it.

"Oh, that was just the calm before the storm, now you'll see what captain Levi is really all about" she giggled as she took me by the arm, escorting me inside the building.

[writingandmore]

Hiii, can I get a danganronpa, persona 5 and homestuck matchup for matespritea? I’m a genderfae/genderdoe, bisexual and derse, knight of blood. Im bit chubby and a bit curvy.

I can get overwhelmed and impatient easily, but I tend to rarely ever get angry. I’m also very good at hiding most of my negative emotions. and tend to be quite reserved when alone, but I am likely to be the opposite around my friends. I am also pretty good at making small talk and can come off as friendly and sociable while in reality I am very much panicking on the inside and will spend the rest of the week nitpicking everything I said.

I am very much the therapist friend of the friend group (and apparently having mom energy while also apparently having gremlin energy, along side this I am the self declared leader, I basically am the friend group LOL). And I love helping my friends because I care deeply about them and I’m fiercely loyal to them. But because of this, I rarely share my own problems. I want to seem like a reliable pillar they can always lean on when they need it, I dont want them to feel as if they shouldn’t tell me because of my own problems. I kind of have a bad habit of bottling up all my feelings, even when im alone.

My love language is teasing and physical touch, though, most people wouldn’t be able to guess the second one because of how much emphasis I put on not wanting to be touched. (I see it more as a romantic and bestfriend thing so it’s weird for me if someone who isnt close to touched me) I’d rather be the one to show affection.

My hobbies would be daydreaming, writing, editing and drawing. But I usually daydream and scroll through apps because im never satisfied with my work. I also enjoy listening to video essays on absurd topics, fandoms and humanitarian issues. As well as true crime cases and conspiracies.

I definitely do outdated thing for giggles. Yes I still whip and nae nae, what about it? I will act melodramatic because its funny TO ME and I enjoy making personalized meme photoshops/video edits for me and my friends.

I hope this wasnt too long and/or too depressing!!! ToT Thank you so much in advanced. <3

Danganronpa: Chihrio!

- Chihiro can also get overwhelmed fairly easily, but she diverts most of those feelings into anxiety and being sad, never angry, just as you do. This would be good for a relationship, as if either of you were struggling, you could talk to the other and not be worried about them getting agitated to the point where they were simply angry and not trying to fix the situation. She'd also benefit a lot from your extroverted personality once you're comfortable around her-that would help her be a lot less quiet and shy around not just you, but her other friends.

P5: Makoto!

- Makoto also tries her absolute best to be the problem solver for her friends when she can be, so she'd understand your own want to make sure everyone in the group is taken care of and happy. She struggles to talk about her problems too, as she sees them as less of a big deal than those her friends are dealing with. Since you understand that feeling yourself, both of you could work on opening up to each other and talking about the things that are bothering you.

Homestuck: Kanaya!

-Kanaya also bottles up her feelings regularly, so much like your relationship with Makoto, opening up with Kanaya would be beneficial and healthy for the both of your mental health. She also enjoys physical affection (mostly in private), and she's very respectful and checks to make sure you're comfortable with everything she's doing, even if it's as simple as holding hands. She'd accept your affection quite readily too, but you'd be able to tell that doing so would fluster her a lot more than if she was the one initiating.

[elizabethsaige]

The Zodiac Signs as People That I Know

*this is based purely off of people that I know in real life, not meant to offend anyone*

Aries

-my ex best friend

-really motivational

-judged me for everything I did, but if I said anything back to her, she’d get butt-hurt about it

-whenever she would say something offensive or rude, she’d always back it up with, “oh but I was just joking!”, never owned up to anything

-always wanted to be doing something active

-defensive about the people she cares about

-quick temper

-I generally don’t get along with Aries people

Taurus

-two people I work with now, they’re basically the same person

-so fucking slow, move at their own pace which drives me insane

-always trying to one-up everyone??? like for why tho? 

-easy to get along with but very hard for me to actually like

-stubborn af but in kind of a rude way, if that makes sense

-think they’re being funny when they’re actually being really annoying

-don’t care about what others think about them

Gemini

-I know so many Geminis, I attract them so easily its insane (also my favorite sign)

-very friendly and sociable

-crackhead energy 24/7

-bad communicators (at least the ones I know), which is weird because usually Geminis are really great at communication

-really hot or cold on whether or not they like you and want to talk to you, vague  in the way they talk

-never want to talk about serious or important things, which I totally understand

-the funniest people I’ve ever met

Cancer

-I physically get stressed every time I think about this person

-a girl I used to work with, but I also know a lot of people who have Cancer Moon and Cancer Rising in their charts

-so fucking sensitive you can’t even say anything to her without her getting upset

-really sentimental, holds on to people and things for far too long

-really protective of her family, which I can appreciate

-the definition of ‘I'm baby’

-manipulative when upset

-I was always annoyed for my entire shift when I had to work with this girl

Leo

-the girl that made me realize I am gay, one of my friends that I used to work with

-super loyal to those closest to her, really caring about her inner circle

-every time I saw her, she looked so royal and regal, no matter how she physically looked

-she carries herself with such grace and poise and I just love her so much

-really uplifting and genuine

-everyone payed attention to her when she talked, she has a very magnetizing personality

-I would literally die for her

Virgo

-one of my least favorite signs, but I surprisingly know a lot of Virgos 

-also I’ve matched with a lot of them on Tinder so there's that

-some really funny mfs

-but they can come off as really judgmental, even when they're not trying to be

-when they want to know something, they turn into little agents, its insane

-cool people, but maybe it’s just because I have feelings for a Virgo so maybe I’m kinda biased????

-I get along with them pretty well, even the ones I dislike

Libra

-I also know a shit ton of Libras, I attract air signs so much

-but the specific one that I’m talking about is the girl who I think is my Twin Flame

-she’s the first girl that I ever loved, and always will, just in a different way

-never wanted to hurt anyone, even tho she hurt me

-kind and fair, almost to a fault

-also really funny without trying, but maybe its just because I found her awkwardness funny

-easy to talk to, holds conversations very well

-hid her feelings very well, never wanted to talk about what was bothering her

-it always made me feel uncomfortable when she was upset or crying because it just felt wrong to see such a genuine light feeling sad. it always felt wrong

-good vibes

Scorpio

-my moon and rising sign! but the scorpio that I’m thinking of is a shift manager at my work

-looks super intimidating and kind of is, but also super funny 

-mature beyond her years, is my age

-when she talks, people listen to her

-not the main manager but looks and acts like she could be (my main manager’s right-hand-man)

-likes control, doesn’t give it up easily

-loves her kid more than anything

-has the best smile

Sagittarius

-I don't know a lot of Sags, but the one I know is one of my favorite people to work with

-absolutely hilarious without even trying

-a bad bitch, minus the bitch

-really blunt and honest, which I appreciate, but can be really hard on the more sensitive people that we work with

-afraid of bugs and insects, especially stink bugs

-the life of the party

-gets stressed out and frustrated/irritated very easily and quickly 

-always seems to have a problem with someone, even if its not a big deal

-I just love her so much, such a fun person to work with. always puts me in a good mood

Capricorn

-my mother....:/

-we have an interesting relationship

-I love her because she's my mom, but I can't stand the type of person she is

-so judgmental of anyone and everyone, especially me

-guilt trips me for EVERYTHING

-we argue so much, especially about small things that don’t matter

-always. has. to. be. right

-but has a great sense of humor

-stubborn 

-hard-worker, which I appreciate

Aquarius

-my sign :)

-I don’t personally know any others so I'll just talk about myself

-hard time opening up to people, not good with vulnerability

-commitment issues

-stubborn....so fucking stubborn

-gets along with everyone, doesn’t have a problem with anyone unless the other person gives them something to have a problem with

-well developed sense of humor

-loyal to a fault 

-always looking for the next best thing

-I really just love talking about myself so imma stop here

Pisces

-this one girl that I have a lot of shit with, but I absolutely love her 

-kinda insane 

-but crazy loyal and kind

-an actual angel on earth

-stupid talented and creative

-such a genuine soul, if anyone could be the Sun, it would be her

-really insecure but a bad bitch at the same time

-sensitive but not overly emotional

*again, this is just my opinion based off of people I know, so don’t be offended*

[bellatrixobsessed1]

From Chin To Yon Rah (Part 9)

She sees him standing at the edge of the garden. She thinks that he has probably been there for quite some time. She can’t say just when he’d gotten there having been so absurdly invested in this one stubborn turnip. She has gotten this far without getting so much as a smudge on her face and she would like to keep it that way, for once. She huffs and, without taking her eyes off of Hajime, gives it one more sturdy pull. It gives way with more force than she had anticipated and she is thrown back. She lands in the dirt with a soft thud and a wince.

She hears Hajime stifle a snorting laugh before leaping over the fence and holding out his hand. She ignores it, stands herself up, and brushes off her pants.

“You alright?”

“Perfect.” She mutters. “Where’s Atsu.” The boy would have been howling with laughter.

“With Caihong and her father.”

“Wong-Fin is supposed to be here. Helping me.” She frowns.

“He said that you told him last night that you didn’t need his help and that you are more than capable of harvesting this whole damn garden yourself.”

Azula slightly purses her lips. “Yes, I said was capable, not that I wanted to.”

Hajime quirks a brow. “Well, ‘I don’t need your help’, sure is a funny way of saying that you don’t want to work alone.” He leans back against the fence.

She presses her lips together and wraps her fingers around the leaves of another turnip. It is a hot day. Her stomach gives a little flutter; since when has she ever thought the Earth Kingdom to be hot place. The turnip leaves nearly slip from her fingers. She gives it a pluck and it comes up roots and all. Roots. She is losing hers.

She chucks the vegetable into the wheelbarrow without turning around.

“Nice throw.” Hajime comments.

She absently reaches for the next turnip. She wonders doesn’t know why she is so upset, isn’t that what she has been wanting? To slowly shed her roots until there is nothing left of them? But now that the first signs of them browning and curling have shown up, she isn’t so certain.

“You alright?” Hajime asks.

She shakes her head. “Fine. I’m just…”

“Overworking yourself?” He asks.

“Perhaps a little.”

“Here, let me.”

“Ojihara will…”

“Just be happy to know that the job is getting done. Actually, he doesn’t have to pay me so he’ll probably love this.”

“Yes, if you do it right.”

“How hard can plucking a turnip be?”

What an innocent man he is. “Take a basket.” She gestures to them. “And once we finish with the turnips we have to get the radishes and the carrots and…” she sighs. “My hands are going to be so rough by the time I’m done.”

He takes one of her grimy hands and runs a finger over her palm. “They’re still pretty soft.”

“Yes. I said that they won’t be when I’m through with this garden.”

He tilts his head. She can sense him observing her as she fusses with the next few turnips. After a fifth comes free she tosses a glance over her shoulder. “What?”

He shrugs. “Just trying to figure out where you come from. I don’t know many people who have ever had the luxury of worrying about having soft hands.”

Said hands tense around the turnip. She curses herself inwardly for another careless slip up.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to tell me. It’s probably bad enough having Atsu constantly digging for answers.”

“He’s fine.”

“That’s not what you said when we first met.”

“I didn’t say that he wasn’t fine. I said that he is unruly and undisciplined and I stand by that.” She shrugs. “But he also believes me when I tell him that I was born in the woods and fought four sabertooth moose-lions at once.”

“In his defense, I feel like you very well could have taken on at least two.”  He pauses. “I guess that explains why he’s been begging me to ask you to take him moose-lion hunting.”

“I already told him no.”

“He’s very persistent.”

“Undisciplined.” She corrects.

Hajime rolls his eyes and she wonders if she is pressing her luck. She wishes that she could shake this habit of antagonizing people who mean her no harm at all. People who, she looks at a fully harvested turnip garden, only help her. “I’m not good at this.”

“Not good at this? You’ve only been here for about an hour and we have the turnips completely harvested.”

She shakes her head. “I’m not good at being…” sociable, friendly, warm, lovable. “A nice person.”

“What are you talking about?”

He has been here this whole time and she can’t even swallow her pride enough to truly thank him for his help. “You’re tired of me telling you how to raise your son.”

He slightly purses his lips and tilts his head as if to indicate ‘so-so’, “eh, a little bit, yes.”

She makes her way towards the radishes and he follows along.

“You know what’s good about being a dad?” He asks when she doesn’t reply. “It teaches you patience.”

“Are you...comparing me to a child?”

He laughs, “I guess, sort of. Yeah. Children also don’t really regard how others feel, they just say what they think.” He shifts his weight. “For all of your secrets, you’re very forthright.”

She doesn’t think that this is a compliment. “I’m not a child. I know how to curb my tongue.”

“But you don’t know which things to curb.”

He isn’t exactly wrong.

“I guess it’s more like, I don’t know...sometimes you just say things that are…” he looks upwards. “Offhanded.”

“Yes.” She agrees. “As I said, I am not good at this. And that is why I like being alone.” She yanks a radish free. “That’s why I should be alone. I don’t like it.”

“You shouldn’t be alone.” He says. “You should talk to more people until it starts coming easier.” He smiles.

“You’re the first person who’s willing to put up with it.”

“The first, maybe. But not the only person. He might not seem it, but old man Oji will. He’ll fuss and argue. He might tell you not to come back on his doorstep ever again but when you knock the next time, he’ll let you in.”

Her fingers curl around the pendant hanging from her neck.

“What’s that?”

“Ojihara gave it to me. An apology present.” She stoops back down and the necklace falls forward, glinting in the light as it swings about.

Hajime smiles. “See my point?”

She rises from her crouch and releases the radish. “I might.” She gives a soft pant and wipes her forehead. She thinks that she has only added dirt to the mix.

He stares at her for some time.  She fidgets with the necklace before turning back to her work.

“You’re pretty.”

Her face colors some.

“And your son didn’t come from nowhere.”

“You might not be nice but I know that you’re not a bad person.” He remarks. “I wouldn’t be flirting with other women if his mother was still around.”

Her face colors further. It would seem as though she hasn’t been reading things to deeply, over analyzing them to the point her head hurt. And by Agni, she wishes that she were.

“Oh, man.” He rubs the back of his head. “I came on a bit strong, didn’t I?”

She shakes her head. No stronger than she would have came on, anyhow. But that doesn’t mean she is comfortable with it. It doesn’t mean that she is entirely off put either.

“I know that you’ve only been around for a few weeks and that we spent the first one bickering…”

He thinks that she is pretty. With sweat slicked at her brow and mud caked on her face and clinging in clumps to her disheveled hair. He thinks that she is pretty. That she is worth being patient for.

“Thank you.” She mutters before she loses the compulsion to say it.

“For making you hate this village for the first week?”

She rolls her eyes. For making her feel like she has a chance. For making her feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. For not writing her off after a whole week of snubbing, judging, and resenting.  For patience. “For helping me with the turnips.”

He laughs, “that’s what you want to thank me for?”

She opens her mouth but only nods. She thinks that he knows that it is more than that. Somehow he knows.

“I know that you’re busy with the harvest. But, once it’s over, I’d like spend more time with you. Atsu does too. We can attend the harvest festival.”

She swallows. He is getting much too close and in such a short span of time. She still has to get to Chin. She shouldn’t let herself get tethered down and attached to someone like him. Someone with a genuinely kind soul. The sort that hers isn’t compatible with for any other reason than corrupting it. She has acquired more than enough coin to last her through the year, she ought to leave in the morning. “I’ve never been to a harvest festival…”

She hasn’t said yes but his face lights up and she can’t bring herself to steal it away after sowing it, however unwittingly. “I suppose this one would be a good place to start.”

“You’ll love it.” He promises. His hand wraps around her and he squeezes. “It’ll be a chance for you to socialize some more.”

“If you say so.”

She’s never really been hugged before. Not in a long while. Not like this. If only Ojihara hadn’t clamored down the porch steps, demanding that she start giving the radishes that much attention.

“I’ll see you at the festival.”

She nods. And now it is a promise.

That day she learns what it means to be gracious.

.oOo.

At first she thinks that it is just her. But it isn’t, Capital City is larger. There are walkways that weren't there before and stores that she has never shopped at. Granted she has never done much shopping for herself before fleeing, but she doesn’t recognize these ones.

“It’s different, Sokka.”

“You like it?”

“Not at all.” The world has moved on without her. Somehow she always imagined that the world would come to a standstill for her. Afterall, how could a nation function without its princess. She supposes she isn’t nearly as important as she had imagined.

She had been important to someone. Several someones. She was for a short blissful burst. She is once again important to no one.

“Are you okay?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know you just…” He trails off. “Your eyes.”

“What about them?”

“They always look so sad. You used to be…”

Powerful, bold, lucky. She used to have a promising future. At the very least she had an illusion of potential. She isn’t so sure that her luck was ever genuine. How could it have been when so much was missing. How could it be when those things are missing again.

“Are you sure that you don’t want to talk about it?”

She nods quite vigorously, as though she can shake the blood soaked memories from her head. “Let’s just…” she gestures to a food cart. “What do you want?”

“I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

She sets a few coins on the wooden countertop. “Two servings of rice balls, extra spice.”

“Okay, take some spice off of one of those!” Sokka calls to the cook.

Azula rolls her eyes. “You really can’t handle a little spice?”

“I can’t handle extra spice.”

Azula shrugs. “Most people can’t.” Hajime could.

The cook comes back with their rice balls. She takes a bit and closes her eyes, they water some as the spices tickle her nose. How she has missed that burning tingle in the back of her throat. She will have to build her tolerance up again.

“They’re too spicy for you too!” Sokka jabs.

“Are not.” She grumbles. She damn near shoves the rest of the rice balls into her mouth just to prove a point. She might have were she still in the Earth Kingdom. In the Fire Nation she has more dignity than that. “They’re spiced perfectly to my liking.”

“Then why is your face red?”

“Because you are aggravating and it’s making me angry.”

He cringes and her stomach plummets. There is a new burning tickle in her throat. She misses when people can tell when she is only jesting. “You’re still afraid of me.”

“N-no.” His stutter doesn’t help his lie. “Maybe a little.” He confesses. “It’s just hard for me to…”

“Tell when I’m actually unhappy.”

“Yeah.” He rubs the back of his head.

“I’ll make it easy for you. I am unhappy more often than not.” She is almost never happy.

“Well if you ever want to get it off of your chest…”

She almost does. The story and its memories runs circles in her mind. The words are always there waiting at the very edge of her tongue. But the fact remains that he is still one of several people that she has tormented in the past. And yet his eyes offer nothing but earnest warmth. She has learned to forgive and be forgiven. She doesn’t understand why she is afraid to put this lesson to use. And then she does understand; she has learned another more profound lesson and it has led her to a darkness like no other.

“Thanks for the offer.”

“But you’re declining?”

“I am.”

“Alright.”

“You’re not going to push it?”

“I’m just glad that you’re giving me a chance at all, even if I ask too many questions.” He laughs. “To be honest, I don’t know what made you decide to do that.”

She doesn’t tell him that it’s because he didn’t leave her. Agni knows what she would have done if he left her alone that night. She shrugs, “I need someone to talk to and you’re willing.”

She hears a chuckle from behind. “You’re willing.” He repeats. She thinks that she recognizes him. She has seen him at several war meetings in the past. He is older now, his hair greyer. “Can you repeat what you just said?”

“For what?”

“Just humor me, princess.”

She crinkles her nose. “I’m your princess, not an entertainer.”

The general chuckles again. “Yer. Yer princess.” He repeats again. “It’s always a shame when culture slips away. And from such an embodiment of our nation. What happened to you, princess?”

“Nothing that I can’t make happen to you, if I so please.”

“Nothin’...” The man’s mouth is caught between a sneer and a grin. “Nothin’...” he tsks. “I did hear it going around that you have spent much time in the Earth Kingdom. Welcome home princess, you should probably work on -re-assimilating.”

“I can have you cast to the lowest rings of the Earth Kingdom. I can name several slums suitable for you.”

“Have you lived in them, princess? Groveled in them?”

She gives a haunty sniff. “My lodgings were comfortable.” Very comfortable. Perhaps warmer and cozier than anything she has ever found here. “And, by all means, I have taken well to living in luxury again.” She sweeps a generous curtain of expertly groomed hair over her shoulders. A waft of citrus ebbs from her tresses. She wishes that she truly has readjusted as well as she boasts. “The palace does fit me, wouldn’t you say?” She crosses one leg over the other and fixes him with a smirk that doesn’t breach any further than the surface. And that might just be exactly why he takes a step back with a stumbled, “of course, princess.”

She waves him off with a lazy flick of her wrist.

“You uh...haven’t lost your touch.”

Part of her wishes that she has.

.oOo.

“I suppose that, that’s agreeable.” Sokka hears her conclude.

Mostly, the conversation seems to be going well for her, minus a rather stiff manner of speaking.

“You’re talking to your friends, Azula.” Zuko laughs. “You don’t have to be so formal.”

Azula rubs her hands over her face. When she brings them down again it reveals a face riddled with confusion. It is almost endearing. Sokka can’t remember her ever being so expressive. “But they aren’t. We just agreed that we aren’t friends yet.”

This time it is TyLee who laughs. “Maybe we should show her some mercy, Mai?”

“You can.” Mai grumbles. “Friendship is earned and it’s going to take more than a few bewildered expressions. A lot more.”

Azula shifts in her chair.

“Mai.” TyLee says as the woman stands.

“It’s fine, TyLee.” She shifts again. “I understand. I think.”

“Well it’s progress, right?” Zuko asks.

“Yeah...yes, sure, progress.”

And then it strikes him. It strikes him that it isn’t just a stiffness in her voice… He waits for Zuko and TyLee to stand up and leave; TyLee to fetch some pajamas and Zuko to spend some quiet time with Mai. Azula rises from her chair. “Did you enjoy the performance, you can’t get entertainment like that from the Ember Island Players.”

“Not really, Azula.” He is well aware that it is only a rather dry joke but it falls short, swept away by the distress that birthed it. “It’s hard to watch someone force something.”

“It wasn’t forced.” Azula frowns. “I meant all of those things.”

He gives a sad laugh. “I know. That’s not what I’m talking about. I was expecting that to be all kinds of awkward. I didn’t expect you to care so much about that general.”

She furrows her brows.

“You don’t have to force it, I’m sure that after you’ve been here and around it for a while you’ll have your old accent back.” He pauses. “But until then, I kind of like your new one. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a blend of Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation nobility speak before.” It’s unique. It’s her. A more authentic her. He’d wager that Zuko no longer hears his father in her voice. “If you ask me, it’s like keeping a little piece of...of everything. Of where you’ve been and who you’ve talked to.” Of change. He thinks that maybe, just listening to her speak has reassured him. That, that might be, at least in part, why he has been so quick to open up to her.

A muscle in her jaw works. “A piece of everything, huh?”

He nods.

“Maybe yer right. I’ll think about it, Sokka.”

He doesn’t think that she will. Even if she doesn’t know it, he thinks that she has already decided.

[howling-harpy]

Perfect storm

Pairing: Winters/Speirs Rating: T Word count: 5470

Summary: Dick reluctantly takes a pass alone to Paris and learns that sometimes someone most unlikely can become the right one at the right time in the right place.

*

If a trip to Paris was supposed to be relaxing, it wasn’t working. Nix’s thought had been nice, and maybe it worked for him, but Dick couldn’t say he liked Paris much. At least, not now. It was too noisy and too crowded, and if he had to choose the people to be crowded by, he’d choose his men over anyone else a thousand times. But it was forty-eight hours, a real privilege not everybody got, and so Dick was trying to make the most of it. He already treaded going back to base and seeing Nix welcoming him with a smirk and asking, “Well? How was it?”

He'd know that nothing exciting had happened, Dick just wasn’t that kind of a person and Nix knew that already, but still he would ask, and Dick would have to awkwardly figure out what to say without sounding ungrateful. He didn’t want to think about it now, he’d save that for when the time came. Now he simply wandered the streets, just walked ahead until the air turned cool and his breath started to come easily. He ended up on the underground, traveling back to his hotel late in the evening. The rhythmic rattle of the tracks underneath and the rocking of the train lulled him into deep thought, and the constant swaying of the car felt like it was shaking jammed thoughts in his head loose. He stared out of the window into the darkness and listened to the clang clang clang of the tracks, metal against metal, and his thoughts shifted back to Holland. He remembered charging through the open field, the earth soft and muddy under his boots, his own footsteps like thunder in his ears. He remembered standing on that dike so clearly he could smell the wet grass, mud and his own sweat, and he looked at that soldier, knelt down, unarmed and wearing German green. It was a boy, shockingly young, the uniform jacket ill-fitting on his coltish frame. He didn’t even look scared, just surprised and confused when he looked up at Dick like he couldn’t make sense of him being there. And then Dick squeezed the trigger, felt the recoil of his rifle, felt a sting in his ears at the noise, and the boy went down. Dick kept shooting. He didn’t think, just kept firing, there were too many targets to choose from, he felt his own adrenaline coursing and heard his company reaching his side. He had forgotten about the boy quickly, hadn’t thought about him even right after, but for some reason he was on his mind now. There was a boy on the train too, just as young, just as wide-eyed and just as soft-looking. To Dick, they looked exactly the same, dead boys staring back at him with too young eyes, bright for a moment and no more. Dick couldn’t look at him without feeling a heavy, sharp feeling settling in his chest. The rest of the way from the station to the hotel he was staying at felt longer than the many miles he had already walked even though it was just a few blocks. He dragged his feet and felt a horrible, deep exhaustion that he feared he wouldn’t be able to shake now that it had settled over him. In the moment he felt so heartbreakingly lonely he almost wanted to cry. He didn’t want to be alone in Paris, he wanted to be with Nix wherever he was right now. He just wanted him to be there, that would be enough. “Captain Winters?” someone called, and Dick felt his heart skipping. Dick turned to a bar he was just passing and saw Nix. His heart skipped again almost painfully in joy, but it didn’t make any sense – Nix wasn’t here, he was back at the base probably avoiding his many responsibilities, how could he be here? Dick blinked, took another look, and realized that it wasn’t Nix. The dark hair, handsome face and the paratrooper’s uniform had fooled his lonely heart, and the man whom he was facing wasn’t Nix but Lieutenant Ronald Speirs from Dog Company. “Ah, hello, Lieutenant,” Dick greeted mildly. Speirs had stepped out of a bar Dick had been passing, apparently to have a cigarette in peace since he had one between his lips, but now that he was curiously regarding Dick he didn’t reach to light it. He looked like he wanted to talk more than the passing greeting, and with a hint of annoyance Dick stopped. “I didn’t know you were on leave too,” Speirs said. Dick didn’t see why he would have and shrugged. “This was pushed on me. I’d rather be doing something useful.” Speirs nodded with understanding, the unlit cigarette still between his lips. “Ah, that makes more sense. Have you enjoyed your stay so far at all?” “It’s been alright.” “You alone, or…?” Dick frowned slightly. In his opinion the answer was obvious; he wouldn’t have been walking the streets alone if he had company, but his hesitance seemed to only raise more questions for Speirs, who stepped further from the door and closer to Dick. “I was just wondering, since you’re out this late and just walking,” he said, drawing out the sentence for a reason Dick couldn’t begin to guess. “I came alone, too, if that’s the case,” Speirs added with a tilt of his head. Dick didn’t know how to respond. He had a feeling he was being asked something more than it seemed, but he couldn’t read Speirs. He did remember him well from the OCS as one of the top soldiers, but he couldn’t say he had learned to know him very well. The man was still somehow unreadable to Dick, and despite having fought alongside him, he didn’t feel any closer to him. “I am alone, yes. Do you have a place to stay?” Dick asked, guessing that was what Speirs was trying to ask him. A strikingly warm smile spread of Speirs’ face, and with a start Dick realized it made him not only more handsome but approachable. Suddenly, he decided he wouldn’t mind company at all. “Actually no, I don’t,” Speirs said like it was a surprise that it came up. For the first time during the whole conversation, Dick smiled back. “I happen to have actually too much room. Would you like to share?” There was a curious gleam in Speirs’ eyes. “I’d like that.” They walked together. Speirs tossed his cigarette away when he hurried to join Dick, who showed the way back to the hotel. He had to admit that as annoyed as he had been about being spotted like this, Speirs’ company was actually comfortable. They arrived at the hotel far quicker than Dick thought they would have, and Speirs followed him upstairs into his room without another word. When he closed the door behind him, it occurred to Dick that he had never been alone with Speirs before. The first thing Speirs did was to kick his boots off. He looked around the room and gave an appreciative nod. “A nice room you’ve got,” he said. Dick felt awkward about it. Three-room-suite for one person was definitely too much. “Thanks. Nix picked it for me.” “And didn’t come with you?” Speirs asked, looking far too surprised. For some reason, Dick felt embarrassed. Not by being alone or having been tricked to take leave, but by the casual intensity of Speirs’ look and tone. Dick might not have been sure if he liked Speirs, but Speirs certainly had gotten comfortable around him quickly. It even made Dick feel a bit bad for being so reserved and on guard around someone who seemed to simply enjoy his company. Still, kindness didn’t mix seamlessly with Ron Speirs, and Dick couldn’t shake the feeling that they were here for some other reason than the obvious one. He felt a funny tingle in his nape. “Would you like something to drink?” he asked. Speirs’ brows shot up. “Do you have something good?” Dick heard the real question there and smirked. “There was a bottle of brandy here when I arrived, compliments of the house, I think. I didn’t ask for it, yet here it is. Might as well give it to someone who wants it rather than waste it.” Speirs smiled again, a twinkle in his green eyes. “A splendid point. I’d like a drink, thank you.” Dick went over to the cabinet that had a bar and a selection of fine glasses behind its stained-glass doors, took out the crystal bottle and a matching glass, then poured a drink for Speirs, guessing the amount. It was a polite thing to do, but also gave Dick something to occupy himself with and bought him time to think. He glanced to Speirs, who was walking around the large sitting room and admiring the fine furniture at leisure pace, and wondered about him. This Speirs was once again different to the versions Dick had been acquainted with. Speirs back in OCS had been raw material, eager and competitive, tough but still green. Speirs in combat had been ferocious, covered in grime, and more than a little mad. This Speirs, Speirs on leave in Paris, was something else entirely, or perhaps a polished mirror of his combat self; Dick could see the ferocity underneath the surface, and the line of his shoulders and his general demeanour were pure military confidence, but he was also calm, clean and sociable. Something about his clean face, neatly combed hair and dress greens had softened him just a bit, as had his smile. There was a strange ambience in the room. Dick didn’t know what to do, so he elected to sit down on the nearest armchair after handing Ron his drink. Ron kept watching him even when he drank, and Dick had the strangest urge to put on some music. He didn’t, and the dim room was quiet for several long minutes. The single warm lamp didn’t illuminate much, but Speirs didn’t seem to mind. He circled the room slowly as he sipped his drink, his hands idly touching the tabletops and the windowsill, and his feet made almost no sound on the oriental rug on the floor. Finally Speirs made it to the chair where Dick was sitting, and for a moment Dick thought that he was going to reach for the brandy bottle on the delicate little table next to it to take another drink, but instead he sat down on the footstool before the chair. Dick swallowed. Speirs was very close, their legs pressed against each other in the narrow space between the chair and the stool, and even with a brandy glass in hand and in uniform, sitting on a low stool Speirs looked boyish. “I always wondered about you,” Speirs said. Dick didn’t understand, but he had a creeping feeling he should. “About what?” “Since OCS. I just saw you and wondered, if… You know,” Speirs said in a quiet, intimate tone that shocked Dick. Earlier this evening he hadn’t thought he and Speirs knew each other very well and he certainly wouldn’t have called them friends, but here he was, sitting with him of all people with their legs tangled together and speaking in low tones. It was comfortable, he noted. Perhaps it was his loneliness and the cold thoughts from before, but Speirs didn’t seem at all reserved, and that made Dick relax into it and accept the warmth. Dick slumped a bit forward on the chair and leaned his elbows on his knees. Before he had been perching rigidly on the edge of the seat, but now he just leaned closer to Ron. “What did you wonder about?” he asked, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Ron watched his smile for a moment before looking him in the eye again. “I wondered if you walk the twilight zone as well. You do, don’t you?” Dick tilted his head at the phrase. It wasn’t familiar and he suspected it was Ron’s original. It was an oddly beautiful one too and didn’t fit the image he had of Ron, but at the same time something warm bloomed inside his chest. Yes, he could deal being called that. Dick smiled, and there was a silent understanding in Ron’s eyes when he returned it. “What where you looking for on the streets?” Ron asked, tilting his glass and sloshing the last drop of brandy around. “Oh! Not – Um, not that,” Dick said and thought rapidly back to their encounter before the bar. He was slightly impressed how quickly Ron had read him and jumped on the chance. “I was trying to walk the stress off, that’s all.” “That’s what the leave is for,” Ron said. There was something gentle in his tone, and Dick wondered about that. He had already heard a few stories about Ron and knew him to be a wild thing in combat, something he didn’t relate to, but now he considered if Ron’s ability to let go of certain higher values also meant that he was uncaring towards judging others for small sins. Dick laced his fingers together, wrapped his arms around his knees and wondered if he could tell Ron. He flicked his gaze over the man again, and Ron just craned his neck and quirked a brow back at him when he was inspected. He seemed comfortable, not at all intimidated before him or awkward like differences in rank often meant, but he wasn’t a familiar shadow or a missing piece that had fallen into place like Nix was. Ron was something completely new, and in an odd way a kindred spirit. Almost like a mirror image, similar but still the opposite. Dick hadn’t even noticed when their legs had properly tangled in the narrow space they had at first shared tensely. “Some thoughts come back to me,” Dick muttered. “At times, I remember combat and feel like it just happened a second ago, and I feel like I’ve just attacked for a mile. I’m afraid I’ve done things I can’t forgive myself for.” He stared at the intricate designs woven into the rug by his feet when he said it, but when he was finished talking, he looked up to Ron again. Ron was leaning on his knees as well and reaching towards Dick. There was a steady, open look in his eyes. “I get that too,” he said. “But I don’t get memories, I just feel cold and alone. It feels like I’ve already judged myself and that no one can reach me ever again.” Dick had nothing to say, he just lowered his eyes. “Is that why you were so eager to come with me?” Ron tilted his head, maybe thoughtful, maybe trying to catch Dick’s eye. “Perhaps,” he allowed, but not without a sly quip in his tone. “Maybe I have a thing for tough but kind wholly good guys who complement my darker side.” Dick let out a dry laugh. He knew he was being played, but it was still a nice thing to hear. “I’m not so sure I’m the soft beau you’re looking for.” “Perhaps not,” Ron admitted lightly, “but you’re still good. And this is Paris after all. It would be wrong not to fan some sort of a flame up here.” They were so close that their knees were pressed together, and one of Ron’s hands that was resting on his knee was slowly creeping over to Dick. He turned to watch Ron’s fingers reach out, slow but bold, the index one brushing against his knee, climbing on and pulling the rest along. It was a light touch, a gentle little pet that kept to the knee for a few strokes before slowly moving up his thigh, careful like he didn’t want to spook him. Dick looked down at the hand when it stroked his thigh over his crisp uniform trousers and marvelled at how tender the touch was. It was once again something he wouldn’t have thought of Ron before, but it seemed that the hotel room would be keeping more than a few secrets, so it was alright. When he looked up, he saw Ron looking back like he had been waiting for him. It was a curious, warm look that flicked over his face, and Dick knew Ron was trying to read him, perhaps searching for a permission. Dick felt like he had downed a whole cup of hot chocolate with all the sweet warmth suddenly flowing through him and warming the very core of his chest. He leaned forward an inch, tilted his head a little, and something softened in Ron’s eyes before he leaned towards him the rest of the way. It was a heartachingly sweet kiss. Dick heard Ron take a deep breath before sealing his lips over his, and they pressed together close enough for Dick to feel the light scratch of stubble. He heard Ron dropping the glass on the rug and felt him inching closer on the stool, his lips were so much softer than Dick could have ever imagined, plush and warm, and all the while his hand petted his thigh. When the kiss ended, Ron didn’t lean back at all but pressed closer. Dick didn’t open his eyes but leaned towards the inviting heat that was Ron’s embrace. Ron had nearly climbed on the chair with him with one hand stroking the inseam on his trousers and other grasping the armrest. Ron placed another tender kiss on Dick’s lips before pressing closer, nuzzling his cheek and taking a deep breath like he wanted to enjoy him with every sense. “You know what would help?” Ron muttered idly. “Hm?” “A hot bath. It just might make you feel like a civilized human being again.” Dick sighed a laugh and leaned against Ron. “Sounds wonderful.” Ron turned his head and searched for Dick’s mouth again, took him into a kiss for a few long, drawn out seconds before gently leaning back. “I’ll draw you a bath then,” he said, brushed his fingers against Dick’s chin and then regrettably stepped back. When Ron got up and walked to the bathroom, Dick let out a shuddering sigh and collapsed into the chair. Its cushions were soft enough to sink into, and he let the velvet cosiness hold him. The sound of running water came from the other room, muffled by the wall but still clear. Dick lazed in the chair and stared up into the ceiling, following the ornate decorations with his eyes as well as he could in the dim light. It felt so strange to think that this city had seen war and faced occupation for years, and still beautiful things like these had survived it. Dick was lost in his thoughts and only came out when Ron touched his arm. He had appeared back from the bathroom and was leaning over Dick with his arm draped over the back of the chair. He was smiling down at him. “Your bath’s ready. Come on.” Dick stood up from the chair, and once he was up, Ron started to lead the way to the bathroom. Dick followed him barely a step behind. The bathroom was a small but beautiful one with cool tile floors and an ornate, oval mirror over a porcelain sink. The bathtub was clearly a recent addition in the middle of the room, now full of steaming hot water. There was a low rack with towels on it by the foot of the bath, and Ron picked one of them up and handed it to Dick. It was large, soft and heavy in his hands, much thicker than an army towel, and Dick sank his fingers into the fabric with deep satisfaction. For a moment he regarded Ron, who looked back with a pleasant, expecting expression. It was warm in the room because of the bath, and the steam gathered like morning mist around. Ron moved first and pulled the top button of his jacket open. Then the next one, then the next one and the next one until he could drop his jacket on the floor. Dick followed his example, shedding a layer after layer of his uniform and feeling lighter by each article. It wasn’t like he hadn’t stripped before other men before, but something about the privacy made him shy, so he held the towel to his chest the entire time, hiding behind it. Ron didn’t strip all the way, just lost his shirt and socks, then pulled a small chair from underneath the sink next to the tub and sat down. He leaned on the side of the tub and stretched out his legs, getting really comfortable on his spot, and then looked up to Dick still clutching his towel, bare feet cold on the floor. There was a latent charge in the air, something that made the blood in Dick’s veins buzz in a way that was remarkably pleasant and exciting. The pale steam spiralling in the room felt like a curtain that protected his modesty even though it certainly didn’t, and letting the towel fall was suddenly easy. Ron tilted his head, and Dick felt his green eyes roaming his body. He stepped into the tub, slowly sinking into the hot water that welcomed him into its steaming hot depths, and he could practically feel his skin turning red. The water embraced him completely. The slight burn was nothing but welcome, and Dick sank down all the way down to his neck letting out a deep, worn out sigh and let his head rest on the side. “Feels good, doesn’t it?” Ron said quietly to him. Dick opened his eyes and looked at the man leaning on the tub, resting his chin on the back of his hand. He smiled. “Yes, it does,” he answered. Ron blinked slowly resembling an affectionate cat, and his hand slipped to let his fingers sink into the water. “Can I ask you something?” Dick turned and curled in the bath so that he could rest his head on the side closer to Ron. “Sure.” “You wanted to come here with Nixon, didn’t you?” Ron asked, his fingers stirring the water. Dick could feel the ripples in the water on his body like a promise of something to come. There was no reason for pretence or lies here, and Dick gave a timid smile and half a shrug. “I would have liked to, yes.” Ron peered at him curiously. The steam had undone his neat hair, causing it to fluff up and curl, and a strand of it had fallen over his forehead. He looked younger like that, wearing only his trousers and undershirt and with his dark hair damp and out of place. “You’d like him here with you in this room. You wouldn’t have gone out at all if Nixon were with you,” Ron stated. It was too confident to be a question, and Dick felt completely seen. He thanked the hot water for already flushing his skin all over. He didn’t answer, just nodded against the side of the tub. Ron nodded back. “You have a thing for bad boys, huh?” he joked. Dick frowned. “No, not really,” he said, “You’re a chance meeting, and Nix is honourable and good, just a little wild sometimes.” Ron raised his brows at him and was quiet long enough for Dick to get that he didn’t agree. But instead of arguing, Ron just sighed. “You’ve got it bad, I see.” Dick sank deeper into the water. Loneliness threatened to creep over him again. “Yeah,” he admitted even when it made his insides ache. Foolish and hopeless, he already knew. He didn’t say anything more, but Ron seemed to sense it in him anyway, because he reached out to sink his fingers into Dick’s damp hair and leaned closer to kiss him again. It was fast becoming all too natural and easy to kiss Ron, even when it was thrillingly intimate like that, naked in the bath with Ron so close to him, half stripped down himself and swaying towards him like some unseen power was pulling him in. With their hands in each other’s hair they just kissed for a while, lazy and languid in the damp heat of the bathroom. It was Ron who pulled back again but only a fraction of an inch, and his fingers stayed tangled in Dick’s hair where it grew longer. “Let me wash your hair for you?” Ron asked so gently it was almost a plea, muttered against Dick’s cheek. The request filled Dick with such warmth so fast he had to gasp for breath. He pressed his cheek against Ron’s. “Sure.” Ron pulled his chair to the head of the tub, and Dick lay back again and closed his eyes. Ron used the unscented, simple soap the hotel provided and spent way too long washing Dick’s hair with it. It was nothing like the army efficiency when your shower lasts five minutes top, this was a slow, affectionate affair that made that warmth inside Dick’s chest wind up and ache. Ron dipped the soap in the water and rubbed it between his hands before combing the foam into Dick’s hair. Again and again he ran his fingers through strands of hair, slow and thorough until he was satisfied with his work. The soap bar was placed back onto its little plate somewhere, but Dick didn’t pay it any mind. Ron’s hands were back in his hair massaging slow circles into his scalp and making a deeply satisfying tingle spread all over Dick’s head and the back of his neck. Ron kept massaging all over, little by little covering every inch of his scalp, then moved on to rub the soap into his hair by one small strand at time. It felt like he wanted to do more than just wash, he wanted to care for him and make sure every last speck of dirt was gone, even those that couldn’t be touched upon with simple soap and water. Ron cupped his hands and ran water on top of Dick’s head. Instinctively Dick slumped down and tilted his head back to make it easier, and Ron just kept patiently bringing palmful after palmful of warm water on his hair while combing through it with his fingers until every last bubble of soap was gone. Dick felt utterly comfortable and relaxed. He lay absolutely boneless in the bottom of the tub, stirring only when he felt his towel on his hair. Ron patted his hair before properly towelling it, first ruffling it and then firmly petting it back from Dick’s forehead. Dick knew it was time to get up, and reluctantly he pulled his sluggish limbs under him. Ron helped him out of the bath and wrapped him in the towel. Nothing remained of Dick’s earlier shyness like it had been washed away with all the sweat, stress, and lingering fear. He felt pure and strong again, and civilized enough to desire touch and warmth. Ron must have seen it in his eyes, because he pulled him by the towel against him. He relaxed into the embrace and wrapped his arms around Ron, letting him carry his weight. Ron was steady and pressed his hands to his hips and his lips to his neck. “Your clothes will get wet,” Dick commented idly. “I’ll just take them off, then,” Ron replied against his neck. “Good,” Dick sighed and pressed closer. He felt the last droplets of bathwater running down his spine, and Ron’s fingers caught them on their way up. “But not here.” Dick huffed a laugh. “Yeah, no. Come, let’s go to bed,” he said and started to pull him with him from the bathroom. The floorboards and the rug were warm compared to the cool tiles of the bathroom. The room felt smaller now that they were pressed together and moving as one, and before Dick had the time to gather even one coherent thought in his head they were already by the bed and Ron tipped them over on it. They landed in the middle of fresh sheets and thick covers on their sides. The bed was softer and warmer than anything Dick could remember, and it felt unnatural to the soldier in him. But perhaps that was good, because something truly strange and uncharacteristic was about to take place there, something he didn’t think he could allow anything like this as a soldier on duty. He kicked the towel off the bed, then reached over to relieve Ron of his white undershirt and trousers. There was a bubbly, giddy feeling growing in Dick’s gut, and it made him both smile and blush. “This is my first time, you know,” he confessed. He didn’t know what compelled him to say it, perhaps he was just surprised that it was happening without planning it at all. Ron pulled back enough to quirk a brow at him but didn’t look surprised or off-put, then leaned in to give him a kiss, his hand cupping his face before slipping down his neck and chest. “I’m honored, then,” he said with feeling. “Are you nervous?” Dick thought about it. He wondered if he ought to be, but there was nothing alien or scary about lying in bed with his arms around Ron, who seemed to take this as a challenge to rise to if anything. The thought made Dick laugh quietly. “I suppose not,” he said, studying Ron’s green eyes that were beginning to darken and gleam with what must have been desire. “Good,” Ron purred, kicking the rest of his clothes off the bed and crawling closer. “There’s no need to be. I’m always kind. We can just take it slow and see where it takes us.” It turned out the night took them everywhere, all the way, every way. It was nearly three in the morning when they finally tired and just lay in the bed half under the covers but still too hot to want to fully crawl beneath them to sleep, both pleasantly sore and thoroughly loved. Dick pulled Ron to his side and let him rest his head on his chest, while Ron absently drew spirals on Dick’s belly and thigh.   “You know…” Dick said, “you’re not at all like I thought you’d be.” Ron chuckled like he already knew what Dick meant. “How so?” he asked, low-key playful. He was tracing a figure eight in the dip by Dick’s pelvic bone. “I don’t know,” Dick replied, “You’re such a rough and tough soldier and you have a temperament. I never would have guessed this is what you’re like in bed.” “Like what?” Ron asked, now clearly teasing. Dick didn’t have to look to know that the man was grinning, obviously pleased at everything he was hearing. “Like you are,” Dick said, refusing to be toyed with. “Like a lover, you mean,” Ron specified for him. “Like each of my men are precious to me and not interchangeable lays.” Dick nudged him and heard an honest-to-god snigger. “Each of your men, you say, huh?” he asked and couldn’t help wondering how many men Ron had loved for a night, and how many of them were in service with them. “Oh yes. This is why I love the army,” Ron said in a low tone, drawing out the words like he was lost in pleasant memories, which he most likely was. “I plan to find one man to take home with me for good.” “One?” Dick asked. “Yes, one. One who is gentle, strong and faithful and who loves me. One to have and hold for the rest of my days,” Ron mused, and his grinning, purring voice turned gentle again, as did his hand that had only been resting on Dick’s thigh for a while now. Ron stroked him with his fingers like he was tracing an oath on his skin. “Sounds wonderful,” Dick said. “Yes. If I can do that, whatever else has happened to me doesn’t matter.” Ron said it like a conviction, unwavering in his faith in it. Dick stroked his hair. “I’d like that too,” he said. It was strange to be there. Mere twenty-four hours ago Dick hadn’t thought he shared much of anything with Ron Speirs, and definitely not the bed and the deepest desire of his heart. It was surreal enough to make his head spin to think how much had transpired between them within such a short period of time and in just one room. But then again, they were both creatures from the twilight zone. Perhaps it was only natural.

[majicmarker]

why did you dislike 'the hating game?' (haven't read it; i'm just curious)

AAAUURGGHH okay. OKAY. it’s been a hot minute since i read it, so i’m going off strictly memory here — i am thinking of doing a reread, for the record, but chances are high that’s just going to remind me of/reinforce my initial bad impressions — BUT — 

(oh god, this became an essay so fast, but to be fair to myself i’m coming off a depressive episode and almost everything in this world pisses me off, so this is just where we’re at. and, yeah, i’m really picking this shit apart, no doubt, but I've always owned up to being an enormously picky reader, so we’re off to the races here, i said what i said, etc., etc, ad nauseam) 

you know what, i’m gonna preface this with the One Thing I remember above all else about this book. i am 100% sure this wasn’t the intention but, oh my god, the one thing i will always remember is how lucy (the heroine) refers to one of her superiors as “Fat Little Dick.” dude’s actual name is richard, he’s short and annoying, blah blah. this is supposed to be funny, and i — much as i’m a fan of vulgar humor, lord, i’ll tell you about my favorite shows and movies sometime — find it so incredibly off-putting, that it’s the first thing I think of whenever i see this book mentioned. the immaturity of the nickname doesn’t bother me so much but it’s like, the fact that it’s meant to be clever that irks me. it’s just... gross, to me. this is really individualistic, but i can’t talk about this book without bringing this up because, for me, it set the whole tone for what i was about to read. this is the humor of the whole book, it falls cringingly flat to me, and that means a lot when it comes to a romantic comedy. 

in that vein... look, there is seldom an occasion in which i enjoy first person. this is completely a personal preference, so it’s not a point i hold against this book in particular, but i just... i really gave this book a shot, despite being immediately turned off by the style. first person runs rampant in romance and like, that’s fine, i do have a couple i enjoy and, anyway, it’s not a dealbreaker for me and overall it doesn’t actually speak to the quality of the work. like i said, total personal preference — but. but. it depends on how you write it, and i just didn’t see the merit of it here. I think we would have benefitted from dual pov, even if both sides were written in first person. 

a nitpick, perhaps! and tbh this particular detail might be suited to a larger discussion of narrative structure dependent on genre, but! in this case i just don’t like it and we can go from there. 

MOVING ON. 

lucy has no friends. what the fuck is that? she’s twenty-something and, as far as her character reads, quite sociable. even if she was some awkward mess (like, hey, me too, y’all should’ve seen me in my twenties), she’d probably still have, like, one person she could confide in, and yet... nada. (this is what i recall, anyway. as i said, it’s been at least a year since i tried this book out, so maybe i’m forgetting someone, but from what i remember, this fact stood out to me almost as plainly, painfully, as the “Fat Little Dick” gag.) i’m pretty sure all she has in this world is her job, her weird crush on josh, and her smurfs collection. also, she’s short. that’s cool, but it’s not a personality, and any which way i don’t need to be reminded of it every page. 

on a broader scale, i, personally, find lucy and josh both profoundly unlikeable. lucy is irritating and, if she were a friend of mine, i’d tell her to her face that she needs to get her shit together because this is ridiculous. and josh is just, an asshole? imo. he’s every other guy i’ve met at a bar who pretends he’s really into his personal development but at the same time he won’t go to a therapist. so, like, what’s the point? he’s dull at best, and i’m not surprised robbie amell’s been cast for the film adaptation (last i knew of, that is). and the thing is, like, in romance, the characters need to be likeable. you’re rooting for their personal lives; there is no “greater good” or whatever else at play here. all i care about are these people and, in this case… i can’t deal with them. if this was YA, absolutely, yes, i’m here for it. but, again, these characters are whole-ass adults. i don’t necessarily expect your life to be together at this point — mine certainly isn’t — but have some self-awareness, for the love of god. 

ON THAT NOTE, the book’s focus is on these twenty-something romantic leads, but it reads so juvenile. meg cabot’s high school romances have more self-awareness and depth than these career-oriented Adults. don’t get me wrong — i’m all for relatable, for insecure, for the identity struggles that really shape your twenties, because oh my god, do I Get That, but this was just all so… god, it reminds me of the stuff i’d write in junior high. it’s like what i imagined it was gonna be like to be a grown-up. this is probably personal preference all over again, but it doesn’t read authentic to me. it’s shallow, and sexual without being really, actually emotional. i’m seeing the lust, but i’m being force-fed the love. 

and, before i drop without precedent the whole “career-oriented” thing that the plot itself seems to have done — the professional, essential, conflict is never resolved. spoiler alert, i guess, but the conflict hinges on the love interests being up for the same promotion, but we end the book with the male lead quitting and taking a job elsewhere — so his career is stable, right, but the job that’s been waiting in the wings this whole time? your guess is as good as mine as to who gets it. much as i disliked this whole Thing, by the end i still hoped lucy would be offered some professional satisfaction, but we never actually find out.

and, listen, i don’t remember any of the sex scenes. i know they’re in there, but i have zero recollection because they’re boring. gratuitous, maybe, but that’s only if you believe some of the book’s naysayers. i guess i’m a naysayer, too, but it’s not because the sex stuff made me take up a confessional booth for ten minutes (no shame, i’m just saying, from experience, most priests don’t care if you read erotica, okay, they’ve heard it before and frankly they just wanna go home because it’s ten A.M. on a saturday and already they could use a shot of jack in their coffee), 

but if y’all know me, you know i love a good sex scene. what i’m getting at here is that, like, these ones just slid off my radar like melted butter. not good melted butter, either. (this is a bad metaphor, maybe. but the point is that i don’t remember them and i don’t even care.)

i guess, on the whole, the tone here doesn’t land for me. it’s just not real, it feels so forced, so wannabe funny and edgy and relatable, but none of those hit quite right. when i first read it, i recall thinking sometimes that “alright, this isn’t bad,” but then i had to deal with “Fat Little Dick” again, or i was constantly reminded of other things — lucy is short, josh is hot, they hate each other, no scenery is described in a way that i can actually picture it, yadda yadda — or else i was subject to quite a bit of body-shaming. that shit was casually sprinkled all over the place, which was both irrelevant to the story, to the characters, and it was just obnoxious. this sort of casual bigotry happens in romance all the time and, like, i’m over it, so i’m gonna point it out every time i try something new and it crops up. 

when this book was rec’d to me, when i saw all the accolades, i thought i was in for some new, fresh, revolutionary read — but then it wasn’t actually… anything. “sometimes it was sort of funny” is the best thing i can say about it, and that’s the best thing i can usually say about most other romances i’ve tried in the last couple years, so i’m not seeing the distinction here, i don't see anything special. i legitimately do not know why this book in particular is so popular. like, there are romances out there that i Hate, poetically, with the fire of a thousand suns, but at the same time i understand why they hit the bestseller list (yet another Discussion all on its own). but this one? i’ve got nothing. 

i’m tentatively considering doing a reread. as i mentioned earlier, but this is probably only going to reinforce everything i don’t like about it, which means eventually i could perhaps give you a more comprehensive answer as to why i so thoroughly Did Not enjoy this book. but, like, who even wants to read that shit? ireally don’t mean to be an asshole about this, but I Don’t Get It, and some of it legitimately pissed me off (the body-shaming, lucy having no friends, both of which are entire Essays onto themselves) — and it’s that second thing i’m not gonna apologize for. in case anyone wanted an apology, but… too bad. 

anyway, in the meantime, i hope this answers your question well enough. it’s actually probably Too Much. but i’m bored and lonely, so i’m gonna go off like a firework best i can, whoops. 

[shibyn]

and the wind sounds like the world’s sigh

persona 4 & 5 | shiho-centric, investigation team  Near the end of May, Shiho transfers to a sleepy town called Inaba for a fresh start. However, Inaba isn’t the sleepy town her parents thought would be best for her— its on edge with unsolved mysteries, and Shiho finds that there’s a bit more behind what meets the eye regarding some of her classmates and a TV screen.

chapter 6 | 5.9k

Goddammit, what the hell is she thinking?-- maybe, just maybe, everything would be just fine, act like how it's meant to, that it's all just an ache she got when it rains or when she hikes up a hill-- she heard the fucking doctor, heard him say don't test it, looked him in the eyes and nodded yes sir I will not run ever again.

She closes her eyes, presses her knuckles against her eyelids. Lets it sit there awhile, till colors spark in her vision, till it starts to ache.

What a dream, she thinks, staring up to the ceiling. With the bleariness of her vision and the popcorn texture, it almost looks like static above her. Was that a dream? It was too weird, to surreal to be anything but a dream. Horror movie material. The unknowing protagonist coming across abnormal activity, something that by all means shouldn't be happening-- especially an image in the static, that's straight up a troupe, isn't it? But she thinks she remembers getting up and turning off the TV. Turning it on? Whichever it was. Maybe that was apart of the dream, too. Can you even fall asleep in your dreams? It might be an omen. Heaving a sigh, she rolls out of bed. "Good morning, Shiho!" her mother chimes. On the stove is sizzling eggs. The TV is playing some home-gardening channel, the volume low. Very homey. It's almost jarring how lively it is already, this early. For a moment, she can nearly convince herself that everything's okay in this household, and that she's not three steps from retreating back into her room. Shiho carefully sits at the table, where bowls of simple rice have already been placed. "Where's dad?" she asks just barely above the sound of the eggs. Her father isn't flitting around the kitchen, isn't grumbling around in the other room, so he must be out somewhere. Or the bathroom. Like an extension of her arm, her mother waves the spatula as a dismissal. "Oh, he went to run a few errands. He said we can go ahead and eat without him." In a smooth motion she lifts the pan from the stove, circling around the kitchen's island and to the table. She slops a few chunks of egg onto the plate in front of her, sets it down the middle for Shiho to scoop from. Conversationally, her mother asks, "Any plans for today?" while picking through the other garnishments on the table, stacking up her eggs. Shiho just takes hers plain. It's a little funny she bothers to ask. Shiho's days have been full of nothing since she got here. The most exciting moments are grocery shopping and phone calls with Ann. Wow-- she thinks, I think that's why everyone likes Junes. It really is the most exciting trips I make. "Not really," she says, chewing on rice. "Maybe study." The last quiz she got back wasn't too bad, all things considered. She didn't fail. Er. She didn't do well either. But that's not something her mother needs to know. Gosh, when grade reports are released... "I heard that one of the restaurants down town is going to be having karaoke nights this week!" her mother says idly, not yet digging into her food. She smiles at Shiho whenever she glances. "I think we've eaten there a couple of times. The noodle place, I'm pretty sure." "Mmhm," she hums around her spoonful. "I heard some people talking about it in class. Apparently highest score would get a free meal coupon." "Sounds fun! D'ya think you're gonna go?" she asks pleasantly, eyes creased in a smile. Shiho doesn't really want to think that it's an incentive to go, like she's being told to. Subconsciously her grip tightens on her spoon, metal digging into her fingers. She hopes she's just imagining that bit. "I don't think I will," she says truthfully. Her mother desires that much-- no lying, no fibbing, no maybes sures okays. The prodding won't stop until she admits it. "I don't... really have anyone to go with." Maybe Chie would go. Karaoke seems like something that group would do-- Yosuke's a Tokyo boy, so he's gotta have some experience under his belt with karaoke. Chie just seems like she would thrive in that place, and Yukiko, too, maybe. They would be an absolute riot. There's a long silence. She doesn't even realize how long it stretches until she looks up cautiously, catching the scrunched up expression on her mothers face, exasperated. "Look, Shiho," her mother says, tense, borderline desperate. The hitch in her voice makes Shiho tense up in her seat. "Are-- are you even trying?" What. What? Her mother takes the lack of response as an incentive to keep going. "You--" she motions aimlessly, her hand waving to indicate something, "You're never here, you keep leaving the house-- where the hell are you going? You don't hang out with anyone! You loiter around, doing nothing, instead of coming home! I honestly wouldn't be surprised if someone told me you were hanging around that biker gang--" The dam holding back the river is leaking. She's standing at the bottom, watching the crack tear through the entire length. God, it's an ocean behind that dam, not a river. "W--What?" she breathes, shell shocked, rigid. "How did you--" How did she know? Are-- Are people telling her--? "I don't get it, we're not in Tokyo anymore," she barrels on, not even looking at Shiho. It's like she's talking through it on her own, trying to figure it out. "Everything's a fresh new start here! The people are so nice around here, the school is great, everything... Why aren't you giving things a chance? Finding new friends? Finding things to do?" "I am trying," Shiho bites back, though it sounds close to pleading. The back of her eyes are getting hot, her vision wobbly. The worst part is that she thought she was doing better, too. Baby steps, right? She doesn't loath being here. Not anymore. She's getting there. She's getting there. They've lived here for nearly a month, maybe. She's never been a sociable kid in the first place. Ann was the only friend she had in Tokyo for since pre-school. Did she expect an instantaneous change? New environment, new her? Is she suddenly meant to be miraculously healed? Happy? She's only recently started feeling okay. Even then, that okay is so uncertain, in such quotations, unreliable. There's such a bone deep exasperation on her mother's face, unbelieving. As if she knows more than Shiho. Knows she's lying, though she truly wasn't, knows she's not trying, though she is. It almost makes insult flare up in Shiho. "Are you?" she asks, sad, so sad, but so misplaced. Her lungs are gonna collapse in on themselves, she feels it already happening. "Are you?" Shiho spits, wheezing. She reels as if she's been struck hard. The lines on her face are deep. She used to not have them; the worry lines, the furrowed cut between her brows. Did Shiho cause them to grow on her? Boiling over. It's been simmering this whole time, and now everything's boiling over. Now that she's started, she's gotta keep going, or-- Shiho plows on, "Are you trying, mom?" Her fists curl on the top of her thighs, skin stretched tight over her knuckles. "You... you keep acting like everything is normal, but you're the one who thinks avoiding it all is the key to getting a normal life again!" "That's not true," her mother breathes, hurt. Hurt that she's being accused. Does she not know? Shiho doesn't even blink. "It is!" The chair screeches against the floor when she stands. Her mother jumps, shoulders hitched to her ears. Almost a deer in headlights. "I wasn't even out of the hospital when you decided we needed to move. To leave every bit of it behind!" she chokes, swallows, and picks up again, "For a fresh start, you said. More like to act as if it never happened. Nothing's changed, not even from when it all was going on!" Maybe-- maybe she should tone it down. With each word, her mother's been shrinking back, looking small, like she's the one cornered. Guilt flashes through her-- Actually. Screw that. Screw that. "Do you just want a normal daughter? Is that what it is? Not this--?" she motions to herself, her no-longer-seasoned-for-volleyball self, her busted up legs, her, "So if we just forget everything, I'll be normal? Have normal friends? Have a normal hobby?" She feels herself tapering out, rapidly losing steam. "Mom, it happened." Shoulders sloping, a bone deep sigh. "Do you... do you think I like being like this?" Shiho whispers, almost lost in the air. She doesn't want to look at the expression her mother has. Just saying all of that-- things she's kept quiet about for a month, months, and she doesn't think she can take anymore.

She. She needs to-- to clear her head.

Despite every warning, every red flag, blinking caution sign, enormous Xs, do not do this, Shiho leaves her mother in the kitchen and walks straight out the front door.

There's no way in hell that just happened. No way.

Restless, Shiho walks around the block, hands jammed as far as they'll go in her hoodie pocket. Every couple of seconds she almost pauses, certain that the contents of her stomach are roiling back up. Dry heaved several times. Felt something come up four times.

Her stomach flips again and again. The entire organ system might come up eventually. She hoped she wouldn't have to breech that topic with her parents. Ever. If they were keen on ignoring it, so was she, as long as... as...

Flinching, she slouches further. And she just said that to her mom?

There's no one outside, none that she can see, and yet-- and yet she feels like all of her neighbors are staring, looking, knowing. You just broke your mother's heart, you fiend. Why aren't you trying for her? She is. She is.

Why does she have to try for her mother? Isn't she allowed to try for herself?

Her pace picks up-- There's no one at the windows, no one looking at her, yet she needs to get away from here. Far. Far away. At least out of the neighborhood. Then her neighbors won't squeak out on her to her mother. Won't ask her what she's doing. Someone opens the door from behind her and her shoulders tense with the definite curious look she's being given. She turns the corner and goes.

Maybe she's in a jog right now-- its the fastest she's ever gone, since, well. It hurts. It's not pleasant, the tightness of her knee, it sends twinges of discomfort all along her leg. With foot falls so heavy they click in her jaw. But it still holds, it still supports her upright.

Now there's a different reason her breathing is unstable. God. God, her stamina's gone to shit. Her everything's gone to shit. Getting better. Hah. Where?

Frustration coils in her chest. She can't let this get the best of her, regardless if her lungs squeeze to pulps the further she goes, the longer she goes. She's doing better. She's gonna be doing better.

Shiho's knee buckles.

An eternity passes as she trips forward-- yet, somehow, there's still barely enough time for her to catch herself before her nose crushes against the pavement. Essentially it's How Many Body Parts She Can Hurt At Once-- her knee skids, she rolls and jams her shoulder, her palms are neatly skinned, and she still ends up bumping her head. It even takes a second for her to settle against the ground.

It takes her a full couple of moments to recoil, shocked. The first thing that she fully comprehends, even before I fell, is the pain. It runs a blazing trail up her hands and arms and knees and ow. Ow. It hurts, along with the spasm of her knee, the grounded bones, stretched muscles, and it hurts. She winces, pushing herself up and winces again when the rawness of her hands and forearms grind into the pavement.

Goddammit, what the hell is she thinking?-- maybe, just maybe, everything would be just fine, act like how it's meant to, that it's all just an ache she got when it rains or when she hikes up a hill-- she heard the fucking doctor, heard him say don't test it, looked him in the eyes and nodded yes sir I will not run ever again.

She closes her eyes, presses her knuckles against her eyelids. Lets it sit there awhile, till colors spark in her vision, till it starts to ache.

Maybe she thought she was different. Maybe her legs had healed miraculously and she could do everything on them again, just with the side effects of a constant ache. Maybe she's doing better, like she thought she was. Like she could move on without a constant weight on her.

Is this what Ryuji felt, she thinks with a jolt, jittery. Even though he's got the reputation of being an idiot, he's probably not as bad as her. Though his whole livelihood, being able to run, was ripped away from him, he didn't even do something as-- as stupid as this.

A gentle touch brushes against the bridge of her shoulders, obviously intended to not startle her, and yet she nearly pitches into the pavement again she tears herself away so fast. She looks back frantically, grimacing when every part of her protests the sudden movement, and sees the look of alarm on Seta Souji's face.

Ah. Goddammit. Of course someone saw.

She really wants to crack a joke to dispel the tension in her chest, maybe something like 'huh, funny seeing you here,' but the very subtle crease in-between his eyebrows, the very heavy droop of his mouth, says that this is not the time to try and act like he didn't see anything. Besides, she doesn't think she'd even be able to get the huh out without it cracking and shattering every step of the way out her mouth.

Just to avoid looking him in the face, she brushes what she can out of her scrapes, jaw clenched enough it creaks, frazzled. Okay. Okay. Someone saw. It's probably no news to anyone in the whole town that something's up with her legs, with her awkward occasional hobble and overtly present knee brace. Cool. He probably also saw her take a nosedive into the pavement, and since he probably saw that play out, he probably saw her sprinting just before it. Anyone with a brain would know hobble and knee brace and sprinting go together like oil and water.

Blood smears along her elbow when she swipes at it probably too aggressively. She grimaces. Dammit. Dammit, and, and she had gotten it into her head she was doing better, being better. This-- this isn't doing better. Maybe her mom was right. Maybe she isn't getting better. After all, what kind of idiot pulls a stunt like this--

"--Suzui," Abruptly, he calls out, voice firm, stilling her frantic-ness. There's an edge to it, like he's been repeating it. How-- she belatedly realizes she nearly forgot he was there, and just waits. Waits for what he'll say, since he isn't laughing at her, isn't talking, and she doesn't know if she wants to hear what he has to say.

Would he-- would he nag her about it? Scold her? They've never even spoken a word to each other. But people in this town always think that they've always got a place for their input. They told her mother. They told her mother she was just as horrible as she suspected. Would he be any different? Would he tell her mother that she's putting a nail through any progress she made towards recovery, running from a conversation where she said she was fine? She doesn't know.

He reaches an open palm to her. "Are you alright?" He asks simply, no accusation in his voice. If she wasn't listening as closely, she could mistake the concern as speaking out of obligation. Maybe she's just tricking herself into thinking he even remotely cares.

Something wells up in her throat despite herself, nearly impossible to speak around. "I-- Sure. I'm alright," she says, voice scratchy and hoarse. She clears her throat awkwardly. Jesus, did she scratch up her throat along the way, too?

Embarrassed, she struggles to her feet, ignoring his hand. "Uhm," she flounders, brushing her fingers along the back of her legs. How can she pass this off? Even now, she notices the brief glance to her knees, noting both the beading blood from the scrapes and also the lack of that stupid knee brace. She tenses from the scrutiny. "Uhm, yeah, I'm good." Testingly, she bends the knee that gave out. She hopes she masked the grimace as well as she thinks she did. Idiot.

"Hey," he says just before she can jet it down the street with some flimsy-ass excuse. (Jet it. More like power walk as fast as her knee will allow it--) He motions to the line of houses on the other side of the road. "My house is right there, so you can... clean up there, if you want," he finishes. He politely keeps his eyes on her face and does not look down again.

He's almost telling her to listen. It's not in his words, no, but she gets the feeling if she tried weaseling her way out of this one, he'd only find another way to convince her.

Dammit. Dammit.

"...okay."

She isn't sure what she's expecting, really, when she enters. It's a house. Normal entryway, normal floors, normal everything so far. There's a couple of shoes resting by the door, some pairs perfectly straightened up and some awry. Distantly, she hears the TV, running commercials as a quiet drone.

Standing in the entryway as Souji continues walking in, she feels foreign. Alien. This is a normal household, she thinks, the floors are made of wood and not eggshells. It makes her stomach twist another coil around itself. (Horrible. Horrible.)

As she toes her shoes off she belatedly notices that Souji didn't have any on, more less slippers on. She doesn't know what to do with this information.

"--Big Bro? What'd you run out for--?"

Shiho doesn't really freeze in place, but she sure as hell halts trying to set her shoes as neatly as she can. She glances up-- Souji's waiting patiently a few steps away from her, glancing over his shoulder further into the house. Past him, she sees the curious face of a girl peering around the corner.

Ah. She recognizes those pigtails. It's the little girl who was at Junes. She forgot Souji's her older brother.

There's a whole pause as the girl stares, doe eyed. She can basically see the gears turning in her head before her entire face lights up in recognition like a rising dawn. "Oh! You're the nice Pudding lady!"

A startled laugh bubbles from her lips, surprised by the name. "'Pudding lady'?" she echoes, amused. Isn't she a little too young to be called 'lady'?

Face flushing bright cherry red, the girl quickly tries to amend, waving her hands frantically. "I! I mean!" She's too flustered to say anything else, fidgeting, struggling to amend.

"This is one of my classmates, Suzui Shiho," Souji quickly supplies, saving the girl from anymore fumbling. He looks fond, somehow. Shiho gives her a small wave, unsure of what else to do.

She perks up, less red but still pink. "Oh! Uhm, my bad, Suzui-san! I probably shouldn't've called you that, it was really silly-- Oh!! I, um, tried the caramel chocolate pudding! That you said was your favorite!" Shiho blinks, surprised, but doesn't get a chance to speak when the girl keeps barreling on. "It was super good! The caramel was very tasty!!"

Shiho is about five seconds from being overwhelmed with affection. She never would've thought that something she said-- something so fleeting-- would even matter that much to this little girl. Gosh. Gosh. "It's one of my favorite flavors for anything," she says, smiling something small. It's the flavor she always defaults to if she isn't in the mood for trying a new flavor. The crepe shop she used to go to had really good chocolate caramel crepes and desserts. She could really go for something like that right about now.

"Nanako? Could you get the first aid kit?" Souji asks, almost hesitantly breaking their conversation. Nanako tilts her head in query, but hurries off nonetheless.

He goes ahead down the hallway, leaving Shiho to linger behind absently. She steps out of the entryway, the floorboards creaking beneath her feet. Along the walls of the hallway are photos-- she easily recognizes Nanako in most of them, her pigtails never changing, also a man and a woman who she assumes are their parents.

Souji is absent from every single family photo. It jars her enough that she nearly pauses to look and make sure, but at Souji's curious glance, she keeps following.

She heads to the kitchen sink, sticking her palms up under the stream of water. It burns bright red, washing away the small bits of blood to show the angry red of her palm's heels. Softly brushing the grit from where its stuck, she glances around the house absently. The television's playing the news, fleetingly about some artist fellow in Tokyo.

The floor boards creek, signaling Nanako quickly reemerging with the kit in her hands. She curiously looks at her, gently placing the red bag onto the table top, eyes jumping from each little scrape, following as Shiho dries them off with a paper towel-- she quickly skitters back to the TV when Shiho purposefully clears her throat, shifting to turn the raw red from view. The tips of Nanako's ears burn pink in embarrassment.

Thankfully Shiho's ended up being handy at navigating a first aid kid-- she only mourns how long it's going to be to get everything covered and how much it'll be. Luckily, when she opens the kit, there's the usual contents of a first aid kit inside but then there's a plethora of cartoon themed bandaids piled on top.

Unsure if he should leave, Souji just hovers nearby the kitchen table, pretending to watch the TV but she sees him fleetingly glance her way. Nanako, on the other hand, restlessly looks over from where she's on the couch. It takes the three bandaids plastered on her shin before Nanako finally blurts, "What happened?"

"Tripped," is what she says. She very pointedly does not look up from where she's pressing the edges of a princess bandaid on her knee. Ariel's hair looks like a splotch of blood on the bandaid.

"Tripped?" Nanako echoes. Shiho can basically hear the scrunch of her nose, unbelieving.

"Well, I mean, I fell hard, that's why I'm all banged up."

Nanako hums, openly staring. A complete contrast from Souji, who is Specifically Not Looking.

"Big Bro was kinda weird for a bit," she says, oblivious to the way Souji tenses up from the corner of her eye. She rests her chin atop where her arms are crossed on the table, looking at Shiho sideways. "He, like, glanced out the window and then kinda sat up straighter. Then he jumped and ran outside! It must've been quite a fall, Suzui-san, he really sprinted! Are you sure you're okay?"

She glances at Souji but his expression is very carefully neutral. "I'm fine," she says, practiced.

Physically? Debatable. Mentally? Also debatable. Emotionally, too. She's tired enough she might not rise up whenever she leans to plaster another bandaid on her shins. Nanako doesn't need to know that.

Not fully satisfied, Nanako only pouts, but no longer prods. To the sound of the weatherman, Shiho dwindles through the pile of bandaids.

Patched in a billion colors, she looks a little bit like a mess along her shins and arms. The large plain bandaid on the heel of her palm pulls a little awkwardly whenever she moves her hand, but hey, it works.

Souji looks up from the TV when she zips up the first aid kit. Maybe six minutes in, after Shiho had finally cleaned and dressed her left leg, he had sat down at the other end of the table, still both attentive and non attentive. Always within reach if she needed help. She doesn't know if it bugs her or not.

"You all done?" he asks, brushing his bangs from his eyes. He rises, and for a second she almost thinks he's going to offer to help her up, like she needs help, a flash of something fiery and grimy in her chest-- but he only moves to snag a blanket from the edge of the couch, draping it over Nanako's shoulders. She didn't even notice Nanako had clocked out.

Shiho exhales. Physically shakes the tension from her shoulders. "Yeah. Thank you for, uhm, letting me come in," she says. When she stands, her knee's tight, achy, but it supports her weight. Doesn't buckle. Pretending not to see how Souji's discreetly watching, watching for any limp or sign she'll drop again, she pushes her chair back under the table.

At least he's got the decency to look as if he's not watching the wobble of her legs. "It's no problem."

She heads to the doorway without much fanfare, toeing on her shoes, pulling open the door. Really, she does try to look like she's not in a hurry to leave because that's rude, but she really just wants to go--

"Suzui," Souji calls out from the entryway. She halts, feeling caught, turning.

Visibly there's something on the tip of his tongue. His nose scrunches, probably unsure of how to say it--

He sighs. "Take care," is all he says.

Throat tight, she nods at him, and closes the door behind her.

—

According to her phone, it's only a little after ten o' clock. If it weren't for that, she could mistake it for being three in the morning.

Besides. She has no clue how long she's been standing in front of the ice cream section. They're all starting to look like the same brand, same type. She checks her phone again. Ah. She's been standing there for five minutes.

At least being here this late means no one's lingering in the aisles to give her grief about staring at the cheapest ice cream. No one being here also makes her feel much more lonelier than she thought she could feel.

Typed in the message box of her mother's contact is 'I'm sorry. I'll be home soon.' She typed it out maybe two hours ago. Had her thumb hover above the send button multiple times, for a moment or two, before clicking her phone off and putting her mind off of it.

She's. Not very surprised they haven't called. Is she?

Before, they never called whenever she was later than she said she'd be. Never fretted, never worried. Maybe they thought she'd be with Ann, goofing off somewhere in the streets of Tokyo, being like how teenagers should be. Never have. Still haven't. Only after it starts growing dark and she isn't home yet she'll possibly get a where are you. She should be the bigger person. Message them. Call them.

Her parents-- they're trying, aren't they? They're right, she isn't trying to get friends or a job or a hobby. She's trying to keep from rooting down in Inaba, to just breeze by the year and get the hell out of here. But they... they still ask. They themselves have thrived in Inaba, bonding with neighbors, with the old ladies who visit the antique shop her mother works at, the regulars they'll meet at restaurants they'll go to.

She was never the sociable type. Ann's the only one who brought her out of her shell-- she never thought she would need someone else besides her. Lord knows her life would be over if they ever got into an argument big enough to split them apart.

Truly. Thank god no one's around to bug her about not grabbing a damn box yet. There went three extra minutes of her swimming in her own thoughts.

Just as she raises a hand to pull open a door, any door, her phone begins to buzz against her knuckles in her hoodie pocket. She grimaces, full bodied. It's probably her parents. It's most definitely her parents. Wondering where in the hell she is. They're not normally up at this time-- Well. She never really did return home, after this morning, after the whole fiasco at Seta Souji's. Couldn't bring herself to. Leave the house after a fight (can it even be called a fight?), and then return patched up to all hell? She might as well join the biker gang her mother thought she'd be apart of at that rate.

But maybe they're calling to make sure she's okay, not dead in a ditch or abducted by the freak that's in town. Good god.

So she absently answers with a quiet and quaking yeah? as she moves to look a different section of ice cream. Not a single logo is comprehendible to her, too unfocused, straining to listen.

"Shiho!"

Ann's voice hits her ear full force, the loudest thing she's heard in hours, and Shiho nearly drops her phone. Completely oblivious to the spectacular fumbling Shiho just did, Ann chatters on, "How are you doing! Sorry I'm calling you so late-- today was a crazy day!"

"Ann," Shiho breathes, almost cupping her phone to her ear. Nearly inaudible over the phone, it dregs on the tail ends of her voice but Shiho can hear just how exhausted she is. She didn't even realize... the last time they messaged each other was yesterday, then. It really must've been busy today. "Ah, it's-- it's fine, I don't mind. You sound really tired, Ann-- should you even be calling me?"

"Pssh." She can almost imagine Ann waving her hand dismissively, the scrunch of her nose. "I'll be fiiine. It's only a little bit of sleep I'm missing out on!"

She-- She didn't even realize how much she needed to talk to Ann until now. The tension that's been in her shoulders all day slowly seeps out. Resting her forehead against the fridge doors, she smiles privately to her phone. "You'll get bags under your eyes! They'll bug you about that when you're modeling, won't they?"

There's an awkward noise, almost surprised. She doesn't really get why Ann made the noise, but she doesn't have time to ponder about it when Ann continues, "Actually, I think I might end up quitting modeling...!"

Quit modeling. She probably shouldn't be as shocked as she is, but.

At her first photo shoot Ann had dragged Shiho along for moral support. It was only fair, she did convince Ann to go for it, since when did being unsure stop Ann Takamaki from doing anything? Though there was a bright smile on her face, her fingers still trembled around Shiho's wrist. She was so excited for it-- she nearly didn't sleep the night before, but conceded whenever Shiho had scolded her she was gonna feel like shit during the shoot if she didn't take care of herself then.

They had celebrated by going to the crepe shop like they always do, went the day she got the gig, went the night before, went after the actual shoot too. Ann nearly cried bubbly tears over the extra-extra creme crepe she had gotten, excited, exhausted, glad it went well and that they gave her a date for the next shoot.

Shiho's fingers tighten around her phone. Hobby or not, she loved doing it. What could've...

"Is-- Is Mika that bad, recently?" she asks, picking at her phone case absently, a little jumpy, "I knew she was a stick-in-the-ass, but it never really got to you, right?"

"Oh! No, it's not Mika!" There's a stage whisper to the side, though its great I don't have to deal with her anymore, that makes Shiho breathe out a little airy laugh. "It's just that it's really suckin' up a lot of my time, y'know? Also they've been giving me a lotta shit for eating out more recently. Can you believe it! They know I can't help but eat sweets, but they still nudge me about it! Let a girl live!" It doesn't quite feel like the whole story. She's not exactly sure why she's getting that feeling, that Ann's purposely letting something slip by-- guilt swells up in her chest, because, well, why would she even think that Ann's not telling her something?

Ah. That's what happened before, wasn't it? They didn't even tell each other what was going on, dancing around each other, assuming, and this is where they've ended up: miles apart.

Shiho bites on the corner of her thumbnail, forcefully pulling her thoughts away.

"I feel ya," she says in the lull, "I'm actually in the ice cream aisle right now-- I got reminded of that chocolate caramel crepe I used to always get earlier and now I'm trynna find something to measure up..."

"Oh!!" Shiho pulls her phone from her ear briefly-- people in the next aisle over could probably hear that, if there are any. "Shiho! You have to try these ice cream bars, uh, the ones with a little polar bear logo on them! Cookies and cream flavored! God, I can't remember what they're called, but Ryuji lost a bet between us and had to buy us snacks and he chose these ice cream bars and they're good!" Idly she walks down the aisle until the ice cream bars line the shelves. She tries looking at the brands, but they're all starting to look the same again. "You let him choose a snack for you?" she asks, voice tilting at the end, surprised, "Risky gambling. I thought those gummies were always your go-to snack?"

Ann laughs like wind chimes. "I wanted to try something different! Plus I always see him get something good at the 777. Lately I've just let him get whatever for me! I had no clue Ryuji was, like, a guru of convenience store snacks. Akira, too! Man, I was really missing out whenever I was so caught up on those diets for modeling...! At least I'm above Yusuke. His life was only cup noodles, I swear."

She finds the ice cream bars with the polar bear logo. The frost melts under her fingertips, numbing.

Shiho feels like she's watching a month old rerun. There's no where to see the newest episodes at airing time, they're never scheduled. No longer up to date. Only catching up. Always behind.

"Oh, hey, do you also have the same long weekend as us?" Ann asks with the excitement growing in her voice, oblivious to Shiho's pause. Not unkindly. "Next weekend? Er, not this upcoming weekend, but the one after that one? Next-next weekend? Maybe you could come up and visit!"

Pressing her forehead to the chilled glass of the fridges, the box of ice cream thawing in her hands, Shiho exhales.

"I think so," she says evenly. She doesn't know. She doesn't even care if there isn't an extended weekend-- Yasogami can be damned. She's going to visit Ann.

"For real?!" Ann squeaks, like she's surprised herself. "That's-- Awesome! Okay! Sweet! Uhhh--" she shuffles around, muted through the tinny speaker, "Cool! We can plan more later, yeah? I gotta head to bed, I nearly just dropped my phone I started nodding off. I'll talk to you tomorrow!"

"Oh, okay, talk to you tomorrow," Shiho says, almost detached. "Sleep well, Ann. Love ya."

Ann chirps, "G'night, Shiho. Love ya," and the line clicks to silence.

[nadziejastar]

Isa-- A quiet and cool-headed youth. Though he does come out of his shell when talking to his best friend Lea, toward others he is distant and untalkative.

Oh, I absolutely think he was. A quiet boy who is always alone, has no friends, and doesn’t smile much? Of course Lea would be drawn to him. Given their personalities, I can definitely picture Lea viewing Isa as a stray puppy at first and being the one to approach him. And after that, Isa started following him around like a lost puppy. Then they became best friends.

“You have your own mission, Roxas,” Saïx told him before Xion could answer.

“I can’t trade with Xigbar or something?”

“What an extraordinarily childish notion. Do you need Axel to walk you everywhere now?”

And I think Saïx had quite the inferiority complex over his past. It’s definitely hinted that the icing on the cake started with Lea and Isa long before it involved Roxas and Xion. Roxas was acting like a zombie following Axel mindlessly, then he surprised Axel by acting more alert. And Xion was mindlessly following Roxas around, then she spoke normally and saved him by using the Keyblade. This surprised him so he took her out as a reward.

Xigbar, standing and watching their exchange with his arms folded, opened his mouth. “You’ve been working really well lately haven’t you, Poppet.”

“…Thank you,” Xion replied in a small voice.

“Thank you? Why do you have to say thanks?

“Well, you were praising me, weren’t you? Was I wrong?”

“Haha… Yeah, I guess you could see it like that.” He pressed his hand to his mouth and snickered.

“Did I say something funny?”

“No, no. You’re fine.”

Xion looked up at Xigbar, anxiously. Beside them, Saïx didn’t show any notable reaction. He just watched.

Xion insisted on tagging along on the day she collapsed again. She was more interested in spending time with her friends and getting ice cream later. She passed out and Axel blamed himself because he was supposed to look out for her.

Long ago—I remember, I didn’t hate fighting. Saïx flung his claymore at Roxas.

And so, Saïx remembered things from a long long time ago.

It might have been the same for Isa. He might have liked fighting, but only with Lea. 

“So, Saïx, what am I doing to—? Oh, boy. Awfully early for such a bad mood, don’t you think?” Saïx had whirled to face him with a rather pronounced scowl.

“…Nobodies do not have ‘moods’ to be ruined,” he said at length.

“Well, sure, technically…”

“It’s just that the failure was functioning better than expected until recently.”

I think Isa was probably careless one day and Lea got hurt while protecting him. Axel was angry remembering that. And Saïx has a complex about being a useless failure.

If I’m trying to get away from Saïx—from the organization itself—what am I doing here? The truth struck home—Nobodies had no place where they belonged.

“Now what do I do…?” he muttered, his face still upturned to the distant moon. A heart. Maybe the answer was closer than he thought. Suddenly he felt something brush his leg.

“Wh—whoa!” Axel jumped. It was a big yellow dog.

This scene from the manga takes place on Day 117 ~Secrets~. This is the day Axel was asked to work with Xion and observe her, then she talked about her memories. In the novel, it was hinted that Axel remembered praising Isa while he was praising Xion. Presumably that’s where the icing on the cake tradition started. In the manga, they referenced Axel’s memories of the past in a different way. Pluto showed up. 

“Hey, what’re you doing here?”

The dog looked up at him, tail wagging wildly.

“Are you all alone?” As if in reply, the dog made a single tiny bark.

“Look, I don’t have time to play.” Axel gave it a pat on the head and began walking away between the buildings.

Xion really liked him and wanted to bring him home. Axel was annoyed that she was getting too attached to him, because Saïx would never allow her to keep him. Although Isa might have seemed like the “cold” one and Lea the “nice” one during the scene with Ventus, I doubt that was the whole truth.

“Hey, don’t follow me, okay?” He turned and shook a warning finger in front of the dog’s nose. It barked again. The animal almost seemed to understand him.

“Get off me already!” Axel shouted as he tried to stand, but this left him open to a slobbery attack from the front. 

“Ugh! Quit it…!” Eventually Axel noticed Kairi watching this exchange with mild astonishment and finally shoved Pluto away. Sand covered his black cloak, red hair, and face.

It was probably framed that way on purpose so that when we saw Isa’s real personality, it would have been more of a twist. The manga characterization is often more humorous and not meant to be canon per se. But that doesn’t mean it’s arbitrary or that it isn’t meant to be true to the characters in some way. 

“Look, I gotta go.” Axel opened up a dark rift in space and plunged into the blackness. The dog tilted its head again and plopped down in front of the closing portal as if to wait for him. 

And Saïx actually DOES let Xion keep Pluto because Isa was fond of dogs. Sure, Saïx letting Xion have a pet is out of character. But the purpose of the scene with Pluto was to tell you something important about Isa and what type of person he was compared to Saïx.

All of it disgusted him. Saïx looked up at the skyscrapers, tracking Axel’s presence. 

He remembered what the witch Naminé had said. Axel seemed lonely. The man himself had denied it, but she was absolutely right. Axel was lonely. He’d lost Roxas. Lonely. Didn’t that mean he had a heart? How had he gained one? Why only him?

Axel was amazed and happy that Saïx still had some memories from the good old days. The manga probably didn’t mention that Isa liked dogs for no reason. Anyways, Axel’s happiness didn’t last. Saïx brushed him off and told him that he had to go back to Castle Oblivion soon, then went back to being his usual cold self.

Saïx’s searching gaze fell on a yellow dog, and he paused. The dog turned to him with a full-throated bark. He scowled, crinkling the scarred skin between his eyebrows, and lifted his hand to open a Corridor of Darkness behind the dog. If something was in his way, he would just get rid of it. 

The next day is the vacation and Saïx told Axel that he was getting too attached to Roxas and Xion. It’s very similar to the way Axel told Xion that she was getting too attached to the stray doggy. When Axel reacted sarcastically, Saïx told Axel that he changed. Axel looked sad, and almost like he was smirking at the irony.

“She doesn’t need you anymore.” Saïx smiled, but the expression didn’t reach his eyes. That was the world’s most obvious lie, Sora thought.

Axel said Saïx had changed and looked up at the heart-shaped moon. The scene is also made to look just like the scene where Sora confronted Saïx after Kairi escaped with Pluto. Saïx said she didn’t need him anymore. This made me think: they created the situation with Pluto to emphasize that when Saïx and Axel said the other had changed, it was specifically referring to getting attached. What Saïx said about Axel was probably very true, especially after he became a Nobody. But it was probably not limited to him as Nobody, either.

The two of them seemed to be enjoying themselves. Ven was just a tad jealous. “Already?” Ven asked, a little lonely.

He turned around. “I’ll see ya when I see ya. After all, we’re friends now. Get it memorized.”

“Okay, Lea.” Ven nodded with a smile. He hadn’t thought he would make friends here of all places.

If you think about it, who is more likely to become easily attached to others? A sociable extrovert who interacts with every person they meet? Or a quiet introvert who only opens up with one person? Definitely the introvert. Lea was very warm and quick to help other people, but he probably didn’t get attached to the stray puppies he picked up very often. He was probably just happy creating memories with new people (or animals). He seemed satisfied to play with Ventus for a few minutes, then move on. He’d see him whenever. Ven was the one who didn’t want him to leave, because he was lonely without Terra and Aqua. Then their situations became reversed.

“Sora and Riku are best friends.” Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

Axel was very friendly, but he was also cool and detached. Roxas laughed at him when he they’d never be apart as long as they remembered each other. And in the manga, he was embarrassed when Roxas called him his “best friend” out loud. But over time, he became desperately lonely and needy. It was a core aspect of his character. No one was called “lonely” more times than Axel. And he became VERY attached and clingy with Roxas and Xion, which was unusual behavior for him. 

“What?” The irritated furrow between his brows deepened.

“You seemed lonely,” Naminé repeated, raising her eyes.

“Lonely? Me, a Nobody, lonely? That doesn’t even make sense!”

And I just loved how in the KH2 novel, Axel was simultaneously trying to avoid both Pluto AND Saïx, who always showed up at exact the same time. It was like escaping the two of them was...the same thing, in a way. Not only Saïx’s stalking, either. Axel’s stalking of Kairi was parallel to Pluto’s stalking of Kairi, too. When Axel was trying to see Roxas again, he was acting like an abandoned stray puppy. Ironically, Axel was so clingy with Roxas because he felt abandoned by Isa. He missed how emotionally attached Isa was to him and was very desperate for his affections once more. Then he transferred that neediness onto Roxas. But as a human, it probably wasn’t Lea who got overly attached.

As he watched Ven go on his way, Isa commented to Lea in a frosty tone, “What is it with you and picking up stray puppies?”

Lea just shrugged. “I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.”

“I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time,” Isa replied with a bit of humor in his tone.

It was probably Isa. That’s probably why he kept his distance from most people. I bet this was a pretty important aspect of their characters. Saïx was always utterly cold and detached towards everyone. But deep down, Isa was nothing but an abandoned puppy. He was being sarcastic in BBS. But in KH2, that was exactly what was going on. He wanted nothing more than to forget Axel and tried ALL the time. But he couldn’t. And that was probably the main reason they included so many more Pluto scenes. The real stray puppies were Isa AND Lea.

Axel had seen Pluto jump fearlessly into a portal to the Corridors of Darkness. And Kairi had done the same. This was no time to hesitate, then.

He gave Pluto a good hug and pressed his cheek against his fur. “Okay, let’s go.” Pluto woofed in reply. Axel got to his feet and headed deeper into the bowels of the castle.

After reading the novels and the manga, I think Isa might have been talking literally about an incident with stray puppies. It would have been funny if the dogs were actually Disney characters like Lady and the Tramp. Isa was the one who wanted to keep them, but then they got adopted. Ironically Lea was the one who was chiding him for becoming too attached. And that’s why he sounded annoyed with Lea picking up another stray puppy.

[proxylynn]

Lynchtale: File Name Game of Death #4

Chapter 4: To aid is sin and one that brings more pain.

WARNING: THIS IS A MATURE STORY THAT WILL HAVE BLOOD, GORE, PSYCHOLOGICAL SURVIVAL HORROR, HEAVY CURSING, AND LIKELY SEXUAL THEMES/BONING. I DO NOT OWN UNDERTALE, THAT BELONGS TO LORD TOBY FOX. I DO NOT OWN DEAD BY DAYLIGHT, THAT BELONGS TO BEHAVIOUR DIGITAL INC.. I DON'T OWN THE AU'S THAT SOME OF THE CHARACTERS COME FROM, THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE CREATORS. I DON'T OWN THE IDEA FOR LYNCHTALE, THAT BELONGS TO PUNNYSIDEUP (AKA. SANSFULPUNS). WHAT I DO OWN IS MY SELF-INSERT OC ANOMALY LYNSIE AND THE LOVE OF FAN PARODY. IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS, THEN CONGRATULATIONS ON EITHER BEING ONE WITH STRONG DETERMINATION OR AN ENDLESS WILL TO OVERCOME THE CHALLENGE OF STOMACHING WHAT I HAVE IN MIND. EITHER WAY, IF YOU LIKE THIS AND/OR MY OTHER CONTENT, SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE ETERNAL PUNISHMENT. HAVE FUN SINNERS. ^_^

--------------------------------------------------------------

Two trials have passed since my reawakening. With a bit more explaining, Claudette was more willing to teach me her perk of Self-Care. Every little bit helps when it will come to stopping the killer within me. Even Dwight makes amends with me by showing me how to access the Bloodweb. To do so, one must close their eyes then enter a meditative trance-like state where the mind is a space between reality and abstraction. Basically, it can be accessed through thought and sleep patterns. In this space, one can use the Bloodpoints, Iridescent Shards, Auric Cells...mostly Bloodpoints though. With these points, one can acquire Add-ons, Items, Offerings, and even other Perks that aren't person-specific. But I don't have many after my first trial so I don't get to collect many things. If I'm honest, I just grabbed a few random Nodes. Though I did notice something odd. The web was broken in half and some of the things I got...I don't think are meant for Survivors. Despite this obvious red flag, I don't tell the others about it. I mean, I don't plan on using these blatant killer things so why tell them about it? Well...Maybe just one. The one that offers me bonus Bloodpoints. An unidentifiable cocoon that was breached by whatever was inside called Hollow Shell that gives a 25% increase. I don't see how this could do any harm. And extra points are extra points worth at least possibly getting. The timing of all this is rather convenient. A new trial is commencing. One that involves me. Time for my second trial to begin now.

[INTO THE FOG AND OUT ELSEWHERE]

My vision clears to a blackened sky, dead forest, full moon, and the faint scent of char of a long since past fire. I have never been to this realm but I know where I am. The Entity literally drilled all sorts of knowledge into my mind, Maps being some of it, and this one is the Disturbed Ward of Crotus Prenn Asylum.

There is insanity, and then there are minds that are so severely distorted that they cease being humans. Instead, they end up a feral, living, unwanted things. These people must be "stored" somewhere, and that's where the Crotus Prenn Asylum played a crucial role. Established in 1857, Crotus Prenn was originally a hospital, but as the need for storage grew, it was turned into an insane asylum. Crotus Prenn was a place riddled with tall tales that aren't even close to the reality that takes place within its walls. It was never the biggest asylum, but the one that held the most violent and warped minds the country had ever met. But it was not the residents that etched the name Crotus Prenn into the history books. Instead, it was the mass homicide where over fifty patients were found dead in their beds. The building was abandoned shortly after that. Investigators had no answers, and the town's folk became more and more worried as rumors talked about a woman still living inside the asylum. Finally, one night, smoke rose from the woods as Crotus Prenn had been set ablaze. The bystanders did nothing. They just let it burn. The last standing structure after the fire, that still shows the grandeur of the original architecture. Its two floors and dark basement leave nothing of the tale of horrors that took place here. Nothing but memories that linger in the abandoned rooms.

This place...This place is the home of the Nurse. In a funny sense of irony, the Entity did little to informed me of the monsters outside of the basics. She is technically the slowest killer currently in the realms but can blink/teleport with blinding speed to anywhere all over the area and slash you with her bonesaw, a rusted metal implement for tearing through flesh as well as bone. There is a painful tell if the Nurse is indeed here. In order to Blink, she channels the dying breath energy of past kills to allow her to pierce and jump through the Spirit World, sometimes multiple times in a row. Doing so leaves her in a state of fatigue as blinking is quite painful to her, hence why she will shriek after each Blink. Yet so far, as I crawl in the thick tall grass and decaying structures littering the grounds, all has been quiet. I'm lucky to find a generator with some decent cover and I start to fiddle with it. I'll show my team that I'm productive and not as big of a liability as they think. As this team is probably expecting me to fail. I got stuck with Adam, Min, and Nea. Poor guy is drowning in a torrential estrogen agro sea.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

That is a sound I was hoping not to hear.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

I don't even have to peek to see the ghostly figure fly upwards, leaving a trail of glowing dots and black smoke in her wake, through the asylum. My progress on the generator stops as I don't want to be distracted and mess up, alerting to my location. I know not if this is her intended strategy, but if I had that power, I'd use the height advantage to look for any movement or gen-repair happening in the mist. I don't know if she can see me from wherever she has landed in that place, but sight is only a minor thought. It's likely Legion has said things to the other monsters. He knows about my strange terror radius. If he told them anything, it was probably that and now I have to be on guard even more for monsters that are listening for me and can hunt me down easy.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

She sounds further away. Spotting prey elsewhere and going for it. I feel safe enough for now to continue repairing the generator. It feels a good 60% done when I hear softly crunching earth and yet no terror radius. One of my teammates is near.

"*whisper* Yo, who's there?"

His hair stands out before he can say anything.

"*whisper* It's me. Do you need a hand?"

"*whisper* Not really. This thing is almost done. But the boost wouldn't hurt."

He creeps over to help me.

"So...Did you see her yet?"

Here come the questions that will annoy me.

"Nurse? Not up close. She blinked up into the asylum and then out of sight."

"I saw her for a moment then she went near where Min was repairing."

"She'll be fine. She has Nea to cover her."

His expression is blank though it feels forced.

*CLANK*

The lights pop on and I back away from the generator.

"Where are you going?"

I don't look at him.

"She'll come investigating. You don't want to be around me in case things happen."

"You don't have to go it alone. We're a team. There's no 'I' in team."

"But there is a 'me'. And this me is going to make sure I don't hurt anyone."

He reaches out to follow but I scamper away into the thicket. I know Adam means well, but I am not a very sociable person. I prefer to be by myself. I'm a team player that doesn't like to be on a team. I know, that made no damn sense. Sue me.

*CLANK*

*HIGH-PITCH SHIRK*

Two gens down and someone's only now just got hurt. Not bad.

*HIGH-PITCH SHIRK*

...Never mind. I guess I have no choice but to play distraction to keep them from dying. Ugh...They're already forcing me to do shit. Damn it!

[Breaking Point: Triggered. Resentment Tier I activated.]

What?! God damn...No, no, calm down. Ignore the crap and be a good helpful person.

"Hellooooooo, Nurse!"

I shout to the heavens. Come on. Take my bait. Why go after them when I'm here and you can see what I can do?

"Come on! What are you waiting for? Don't waste your time on worms when there's a beast right here!"

Somehow I can feel the rage from across the map. Nea is so easy to piss off it's sad.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

I barely see the burly movement zipping through the fog. I need to play this safely or all hell will happen. So what do I do? I impersonate Kermit the Frog like a flipping moron. Of course, this gets the Nurse's attention and the real game starts.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

The sudden whoosh of a weapon just missing its mark to hit a rock behind me has me kick it into high gear.

"Wee-woo, mother fucker!"

Probably more cocky than needed but can't take it back now.

"You can run, child..."

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

She cuts me off, taking a swing and slicing deeply into my arm when I try to dodge.

"But there is nowhere to run. Especially, from the likes of me."

True to the nature of my skills as dictated by the Entity, I don't make a loud sound of pain. I grit my teeth while biting my tongue and grab the wound as if my skin were to roll off like a torn sleeve. Blood covering my arm, hand, and ground in a steady stream.

[Breaking Point: Triggered. Resentment Tier II activated.]

My nerves jitter with a sense of warm darkness. I can feel that call from before. That want to panic and overreact, to lash out.

*CLANK*

The third generator pops and the Nurse is momentarily distracted and this good step toward progress does quell the feeling enough to remember I need to run! Nurse makes the choice to ignore the others and keep after me.

"You've got to be kidding?!"

She isn't blinking. She's merely chasing me, her form floating seamlessly and faintly gaining speed as she continues to follow. All while my pace isn't as steady, I'm stumbling over the slightest thing and seem to spook every crow without fail. I am regretting doing anything! During this messed up run, I notice lights flickering with power and decide to do a little test. I make a beeline for that generator. Of course, the three others working on it don't react well to this. To Adam's credit, he takes cover against the gen and a tree, letting the dark camouflage him. Min takes off in a burst of speed, probably telling herself button commands because of gamer logic. Nea, however, hurls an uncreative obscenity at me and proceeds to shove me back into the Nurse herself. Nurse doesn't take this well, her frail form is unable to support my weight and I crush the monster in my awkward tumble.

"Get wrecked, asshole!"

Nea flees into the darkness, aiming to find another generator since we only need two more to escape. My annoyance levels increase. I can feel the urges for violence strengthen. Whispers of dark intentions. I stain as hard as I can to keep sane and move away from the Nurse. But I can't see right with all this mental pressure and blood loss, I have to lean against a tree to not trip over my own feet...again. The Nurse takes some time returning to her floating state. She looks my way, her bonesaw clenched in her hand, yet she doesn't move from her position. She merely stares at me. I'm not sure which is more unnerving, her featureless staring or the loud heartbeat pounding my already aching mind? The uncomfortableness and pain are not letting me think straight. So I'm not too surprised that the part of me that controls speech goes off.

"*strained* What are you doing?"

"I beg your pardon?"

I turn to her as she tilts her head, at least getting a good look at her. The shape of this monster is...odd to me. She's not a shadow like Wraith or skeleton like Legion. She is an anthropomorphic mammal, one that seems familiar yet unknown due to not being able to see her face. An old stained white linen pillowcase seems to be smothering her head, tied tight by unseen binds, though this does allow for a shape to be defined. Her head is Bovidae-like and even has two slightly curved horns that poke out. She wears a worn standard-issue dirty purple nurse uniform from the early twentieth century, designed with white lace patterns on the breast and held around the waist with a blood-stained red belt. The bottom of her uniform is torn and tattered, showing off her white fur covered broken legs. Granted, I'm 100% that they're broken but damn they look it or are just deteriorated to the point that standing on them would be next to impossible. Her bare feet resemble paws and so do her hands except, you know, they're hands that are covered in fur. Honestly...She's the least scary thing I could've imagined when told a Nurse was going to kill me.

"*strained* Why aren't you trying to kill me? I'm an easy mark right now."

She ponders for a moment.

"I am assessing the situation."

"*strained* Why? You've hit me once already and I haven't healed. Hit me again and I go into the dying state to which you can hook me. What's to assess?"

"How much longer you will last with such a sickness eating away at your mind."

My eyes widen. She knows? Knows what's happening to me? How? Legion didn't know. He couldn't have jumped to such a conclusion with the tiniest of hints. So how in the hell does she know? What the fuck?!

"*strained* ...You're going to keep after me till I snap, aren't you?"

She holds the weapon in front of her, delicately skimming a small claw at the end of her finger over the smooth metal back.

"You are a clever one for one so sick. Then again, the clever ones always tend to be the sickest...and require the most attention."

Her tone is something more creepy than she herself is. It holds this strict authority and threatening power that has me flashing back to watching the movie Matilda as a kid, more accurately, being intimidated by the character Miss Agatha Trunchbull. And much like a child in the face of something dreadful, I mentally freak out running like a rabbit from a wolf.

My chest is pounding like crazy, not helping the bleeding arm. Nurse, again, resumes her pursuit of me yet now she's hammering me with jump scares blinking so close that my breathing falters quite a few times.

"*shrike* Leave me alone!"

If she speaks I know not. I can't hear anything but the heartbeat.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

I crash in my panic into everything in my way. I'm a mess. I'm not even sure how I'm still running other than I'm burning adrenaline like crazy.

*CLANK*

The forth generator pops. I feel pressure lessen from my soul and for a second I recall relief.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

*HIGH-PITCH ROAR*

The slash to my back is so sudden I collide with one of the burning oil drums that light the fog. The drum remains standing. I do not. I'm in the dying state. Bleeding out unless hooked or healed by a teammate, the latter being highly unlikely.

"Poor child..."

She hovers over my bloody twisted form.

"They have left you to die."

Fuck! What is she going to do? Hook me? Mori me? Leave me to bleed? Damn it! I don't want to die! Not like this!

[Embrace it, worm. Embrace the gift the Entity has given you. Unleash the beast.]

The whispers repeat and overlap. Madness is engulfing what little humanity remains at this point. I can't take this!

"What will you do now, child?"

She reaches down to pluck me like a flower.

"What will you do to stop me from killing you?"

*THUD*

She pauses. Something is nearby. I'm not going anywhere, even if crawling is an option, so she investigates the sound. Might as well try to stop the other humans I suppose. She gets out of sight when something else enters my visual range.

"*whisper* Don't move. Man, she really got you good."

Adam? He came for me? I...I'm brain dead. He used his Distraction perk to toss a pebble. Yeah, as dumb as that sounds, that's a special perk of his. It's like my Snowball's Chance but only works when not noticed by the killer.

He works as quickly as he can to heal me, for it is the power of the Nurse to know when healing is being done. Thank goodness he has acquired a med-kit and gets me out of dying state, though not fully healed, by the time the heartbeat starts to return. I hobble just behind him, the Nurse no doubt trailing my blood and scratch marks.

"Can you keep up?"

Why is he concerned for me?

"*wince* Why did you risk exposing yourself? You only need one gen to leave."

He chuckles.

"There might be a 'me' in team, but this me won't let my team die if I can help it."

That hit me. He used my own words on me. Such a mad lad.

"*wince* Heh...Thanks, man."

He throws a peace sign and I laugh, feeling the most normal since this trial began.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

*LOW-PITCH YELL*

Wetness...Crimson...It's in my eyes. I'm blinded by Adam's blood spray.

"Look out!"

Of course, I can't.

*HIGH-PITCH ROAR*

I'm slashed across the chest and I drop to the ground, feeling so very weak. I blink enough to see in colors other than red only to see Adam scurry away. I don't blame him. It's only natural. What pains me is the look back take he does. His face screams "I'm sorry". He's not coming back. Not this time.

[What will you do now, little worm? He was your last chance.]

I feel myself being lifted and put over Nurse's shoulder.

*CLANK*

*ALARM*

The popping of the fifth generator unlocks the gates and now I know all hope is lost on anyone coming to get me. Nea and Min definitely won't make the attempt. And Adam? He might but it would be illogical to self-preservation. My attention returns to the here and now when Nurse stops moving...she's found a hook.

[Last chance, little worm. Will you let them get away with their sins? Their abandonment of you? The betrayal? The disrespect? Embrace the beast. Teach them the error of their ways. Embrace the Entity.]

As she lifts me, ready to pierce my back on the dirty metal of sacrifice, I give up...and give in.

[Breaking Point: Triggered. Resentment Tier III activated.]

[You made the right choice, little beast. Now...Prove to the worms that it is a mistake to wrong you.]

[Special Ability: Anomaly State...Activated.]

...

[Toriel.]

Nurse freezes in her action.

"Master?"

[Put the little beast down. Stop the other worms. The Entity will reward you handsomely.]

This is a bit puzzling to the Nurse.

"Of course, Master. But why not accept this one? Is she too sick?"

[You will see soon enough. Enjoy having a friend, my dear.]

Further confusion comes to her but no killer disobeys the Entity unless they want to be tortured. And the Doctor did say they should observe this one. So she sets the lifeless looking human down and does as instructed, blinking away towards one of the exit gates. A sudden light comes to Nurse's vision...Healing is happening. Locking onto this, she moves with long blinks to find the male being tended to by one of the females. The surprising yet predictable ambush does not go without bloodshed.

*LOW-PITCH YELL*

The male is struck down while the female tries to escape. He's not going anywhere, so Nurse blinks and lunges for a hard slash, but the female dashes quickly just out of range. Probably used that damn perk called Dead Hard to avoid the damage.

*HIGH-PITCH SHIRK*

This has Nurse and human stop in puzzlement.

*ROAR*

The confusion only grows. But it's not like the monster or human forget where they are or what the situation is and resume the chase.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

The heartbeat? Then that means that sick one is near. Poor thing. She must truly be ill of not even the Entity wanted to feed on her soul.

"*grunting* Fucker! Get off of me!"

The sounds of a distressed and agitated human is close...real close. Curiosity peeked, Nurse shifts directions and follows the ever increasing pounding.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

Leaping out from the top of the asylum, the distasteful female lands on her feet to keep running as the sick human pounces down to chase after her on all fours. This sight is a perplexing one indeed. She couldn't see much, but based on their movements, they seemed to be healed. And their eyes...glowing?

*LOW-PITCH GRUNT*

Someone's healing. That's a no-no.

*GHASTLY SHIRK*

Zooming over to the healing humans, suddenly the healing stops. Before it clicks in her head as to why, Nurse blinks through a wall only to be blinded by the bright focused beam of a well-aimed flashlight and smacks her face into a large rock. The offending human is gone by the time Nurse's vision returns but the male they were trying to help is futilely crawling into the grass.

"I think not, little man."

If left alone he'd only need a bit more healing to get back up or bleed out. Nurse skips to the chase and hooks the poor soul up like a cow in a slaughterhouse.

*LOW-PITCH YELL*

"Now...Where did those little brats go?"

*HIGH-PITCH SHIRK*

Well, that's helpful.

She doesn't blink away, simply following the sounds of pain and heavy breathing off in the distance.

lub-dub...lub-dub...

This sick one again? What insanity is she doing now?

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

"The hell is wrong with you?!"

"Get to the gate!"

Do they know she can hear them? Do they think monsters don't understand them? Such idiocy will be their downfall.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

*HIGHT-PITCH SHIRK*

"Blind this bitch!"

"I can't get a clear shot!"

"Don't you fucking leave me!"

Oh really? This is sounding more interesting.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

"You are so lucky I don't have Decisive Strike or I'd so stab the shit out of you!"

"*snarling*"

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

*HIGHT-PITCH SCREAM*

Was that...a hooking? No...It couldn't be. 'Twas impossible. This had to be a fluke. She was the only monster in the trial. Only one could be in a trial. That's the rule.

*ALARM BLARE*

The gate is being opened. Though judging by the hooked auras, it must be by the remaining female. Fine. Escape this time, brat. Your demise can wait a little longer. There are far more interesting events going on.

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

It's coming from behind the shack? It makes some sense. The basement hadn't spawned in there this time.

"*grunting* Disgusting freak! You're so dead when we get back to camp!"

Harsh words. Aimed at a fellow human? Such a strange trial.

*ALARM BLARE*

"It won't be long now..."

The sick one?

"Min won't come for you. How does it feel to be left for dead?"

"*grunting* Speak English, bitch!"

*ALARM BLARE*

*METAL SCRAPING*

*DARK BELL BONG*

One of the gates open, the End Game Collapse has begun as Nurse comes around the shack and what she witnesses through the cloth covering her is not something she expected. The disrespectful human was on the hook and being watched by the sick human, only she looked a bit...different. Her hair was loose and shrouded her face, though her eyes glowed white under such curtain. Her arms dangled limply at her sides, hands bent like claws with nails to match. Her posture was slightly hunched yet that was probably because she was standing on her toes.

The sky rumbles with the thunderous approach of the Entity, aiming to claim it's first snack and earning the sick human's attention to see Nurse. The slight turn in her direction gives a better view of her face. White orbs surrounded by darkness that seemed to drain down her cheeks. As if...crying?

"Poor sick child..."

The human doesn't blink.

"You look so unwell."

She looks at the hooked human.

"They use me...Call me a freak...A liability...Yet they bring about their own end."

Slowly she steps away. Heading towards the opened gate or where she perceives it to be.

"*grunting* Hey! Come back here!"

The sacrificed human is ignored.

"They need to learn...Learn that they won't get away with such things anymore."

Her tone is ominous yet somber, almost remorseful. Nurse only watches this odd human walk away. Now as odd as this is, the fact that the collapse is still happening means the trial is not completely over with. Even as the Entity returns to snatch up the other hooked human, the burning veins along the ground persist. Further curiosity has the Nurse following the remaining human. She pays the Nurse no mind, as if not believing her to exist. Arriving at the gate, the human pauses and stares at the site of the campfire. Her only promise of safety in an otherwise deadly world. The instinct to stop her comes to the Nurse but she restrains herself to witness any further oddities. Bit by bit, she gradually steps towards her freedom. She approaches the escape boundary, only for The Entity to spawn the same spikes that usually block vaults for Survivors and stop the Killers from leaving the Trial grounds. She is understandably confused and attacks the spikes with her claws to no avail. Poor thing. She's become so sick that she isn't recognized as human anymore. Something gets her attention, whispers on the wind speaking to her and telling her things she doesn't like. She roars out in frustrated anguish.

[She has learned a harsh lesson.]

"Master?"

[Monsters can not leave to the campfire of humans. Her only chance of leaving here alive is the hatch. But she has no time to look for it. She will not survive. I leave her fate to you, Toriel.]

Such a cruel thing. But so true. There is no saving this one. She's too sick to be saved. The only way out now would be painful. Yet perhaps...there is still some mercy to be given to this child.

"Young one..."

Nurse's soft voice gets her attention.

"There is no escape."

The poor girl looks completely defeated. She even drags herself over to Nurse.

"If you mean to kill me...please...make it quick."

Pity. An emotion Nurse believed she had forgotten. None of the other humans brought that feeling out in her or her fellow monsters. She puts her hands on the girl's shoulder apologetically.

"You poor thing. So much suffering is hidden in those eyes."

"Not sure how you can see that or anything else with that case over your head, but you wouldn't be good at what you do if you couldn't."

"Call it something akin to mother's intuition."

That got somewhat of a small smile to breach her gloom.

"Sorry."

"Sorry?"

"Yeah. For how I acted and junk. Just thought I'd say sorry before you...you know."

No need to make this difficult, human.

"Thank you, child."

She appears ready to speak further but Nurse makes the call to end it now. Her hands swiftly grasp the human's throat and she forces her to the ground. Naturally, the girl is reluctant to be strangled and grips at Nurse's wrists in an effort to pry them off. This struggle does little to lessen the pressure on her windpipe. With the life fading from her form she claws at Nurse's face. Her sharps nails snag a bit of the cloth and tear a small opening, showing off the intense red eyes hidden inside.

*CRACK*

The flailing ceases. Limbs fall to the wayside. Head lulls back and eyes empty of light. The human is dead.

"Rest now, child..."

Nurse gently strokes the cheek of the human in solace.

"Now you can rest."

With the last human in the trial now dead, the world begins to be consumed by the realm's fog. Time for the world to be reset for the next trial. Nurse reaches up and feels the hole, touching her face for the first time in unknown ages. It won't last though. This will be reset along with the realm. A fleeting glance with her own eyes before losing such clarity again.

[SURVIVOR'S FOREST]

Cold. Everything feels cold. Everything is quiet. Rather odd for the campfire to be so dead. Suddenly there's feeling. Poking. Sharp poking on the back of my head.

*CAW*

...Okay. That's not normal. Forcing my eyes to open, I see not the light of the fire or faces of those who will most likely piss me off. Only darkness and trees as a crow flutter off my back to gawk at me.

"I didn't realize you things double as alarm clocks."

The bird rears back like it will peck my eye out, only to turn and fly upward while cawing.

"Was it something I said?"

Oh well. Time to stop kissing the dirt and find the fire. I could use some cheering up. David's always good at lifting my spirit. Scrapping myself off the ground hurts. I'm sore and feel dizzy. But I can't stay here because of that. Even if my neck is killing me. Did she really have to snap it? I guess I should be grateful that she did make it quick. Shaking off the stiffness in my joints, I lumber through the woods unsure of how to get to camp but know it's where I'm going. Such a strange feeling. Stranger still is the crow seems to be following me. What do you want with me now Entity?

"I don't know why you didn't put me back at camp, but the least you could do was drop me off closer."

The bird ignores me yet continues to linger. Jackass. Either way, as long as it doesn't cause trouble then I don't mind the company. At some point in my tireless stroll, it takes perch atop my head and I groan.

"Having fun?"

It ruffles its plumage before sitting.

"*sigh* Just don't crap in my hair, okay?"

*CAW*

"I'll take that as a maybe."

I'm not sure how long I've been walking. The trees never seem to end. Yet...I don't feel the fatigue of it.

*CAW*

"What?"

The bird takes flight and something tells me to follow. I run after this harbinger of death. Not sure if it's even leading me anywhere. But soon...I see auras. Auras shaped like people. I move to all fours for faster speed. The smell of smoke finally gets to me. It makes me move faster. By the time I can see light, my body tingles with the anticipation of the fire's warmth. But then...I hear the voices.

"Good! I'm glad she's gone! Fucking freak hooked me!"

Nea. I slow down.

"Do you know 'ow often I've wanted to do that to you?"

David. Never taking her shit.

"Fuck you!"

"Well...It's not like she didn't warn us that something like this could happen."

Dwight. Even his points are nervous wrecks.

"It didn't help that we were going against the Nurse. Once she found her, the damn monster would not stop chasing her for nothing and ignored us till the end."

Thanks, Adam. Maybe it's okay after all.

"And who's fault was that? If she hadn't have shouted than the Nurse would've never found her. At least, no so easily."

Fuck you, Min. Just fuck you.

"She did that because both of you were being attacked. Or did you forget that part? If she hadn't distracted the Nurse, then both of you would've been down after popping that second gen."

I've crept into the bushes and can see them now. No one looks pleased.

"A lot of good that did anyway. Two of us were still hooked. With one being by a fucking team member!"

Nea...Oh, how you know just what to say to make my blood boil.

"You pushed her into the Nurse! And you're seriously wondering why she went after you?"

"The bitch ran at us while being chased! She's lucky I didn't knock her ass out!"

"Fuck you!"

I've had enough listening and spring out of my hiding spot. The whole group just stares at me. Sure, I expected some but not all of them to be looking at me so...oddly.

"What? Are we not allowed to swear all of a sudden?"

David takes a cautious step towards me.

"Luv? Is that you?"

Such a question has me tilting my head in confusion.

"I don't think she knows."

"Poor kid."

Ash and Bill remark.

"Know what?"

"Why is she growling? Is she upset?"

Meg questions as if trying to understand the barks of a dog.

"Okay...I'm just gonna pretend you guys aren't high right now."

I move to join them but barbed spikes, the same that kept me from exiting the gate, now block me from entering the camp.

"What kind of bull is this?"

I touch the spikes and only now notice what they have been seeing this whole time. My hands...These aren't my normal hands. But I died...Why didn't I return to normal? Why am I still a monster? What the fuck is happening to me?!

[Oh, did the Entity forget to mention that if you are killed while in the False Killer state, you shall remain as such till you are brought out of it? So forgetful. Bad Entity, bad. Heheh...]

The ever increasing look of fear and panic on my face has the few good ones concerned, especially David.

"Hey, it's okay, Luv. Just calm down. Can you understand what I'm sayin'?"

This is absolute bullshit! The Entity did this on purpose! Making me suffer still for holding back!

Gripping my stressed-out head, I roar is growing frustration before fleeing back into the woods and away from the shame this affliction is giving me. Vaguely, I want to believe the voices I hear behind me are anything but negative. Damn it all! Why? Why am I like this? Why am I always the freak?

Lost in my private pity party panic I fail to take notice of many warnings that I'm not the only monster in these woods. After probably circling the same carved tree for like the sixth time, something trips me and I skid into the ground. Frankly, I am not having a good day.

"Oh my..."

And suddenly a random voice from the darkness.

"That was quite the tumble. Are you alright, darling?"

Darling? No one calls me that. ...Oh shit. No one I know calls me that. Stranger danger!

"Hmmm...Not much of a talker, are you?"

A figure steps forth and crouches in front of me. Their outfit is pretty basic but they certainly aren't. Just a simple plastic mask with a sort of melted face look that covers part of their face, like the phantom of the opera style while the other side is covered in oil black hair. A faint pink glow shimmers from that lone eye hole. Eerie yet enchanting. Black fabrics shroud their form to help give cover, pinkish-white glossy textures provide light balancing accents, and tendril strips of cloth writhe behind them like four ghostly snakes. They look the most basic, but they are not...The flesh I can see is not meat, but metal. They are a murder machine. A killer robot. And going off the voice...It's a dude.

"Well, no matter. It's better if you just listen than chatter."

That part gets me as I make myself sit up.

"Wait...You're not going to try to kill me?"

He sighs.

"No, darling. At least...Not right now."

Oh great. One of those type of killers. How much worse is this going to get?

"Tell me something, darling...How would you like to have a friend?"

Um...Not gonna lie, I'm blindsided.

"Huh?"

"A friend. You know what one is. Someone you can trust. Depend on. Someone that can help you when you're in need. Now...Wouldn't it be nice to have someone like that?"

Ah. I get it now. He's going to mock me and take pleasure in my empty pointless life before killing me.

"Dude, can you skip the whole belittling me thing and just kill me? I have no fucks to give anymore."

He seems slightly insulted yet remains composed.

"Belittling? No, darling, I wasn't doing anything like that."

"Sure you weren't."

"Really. I wasn't. I am merely extending a hand to someone lost."

"And does said hand hold a weapon in it?"

Now he's offended.

"Well, I never. So defensive when I've done nothing to incur such hostility."

Great...Now I feel bad for insulting a murder...The fuck is wrong with me?!

"No, you're right. I'm sorry I jumped to a conclusion like that. I'm not...myself."

He skims a metal hand under his hood to go through his hair coolly.

"No big deal, darling. I get it. Bad days happen to the best of us."

Okay...This guy is confusing me. Wait...I know him.

"I'm sorry, but are you the one known as...Ghost Face?"

He flinches before becoming way more chipper.

"Oh~? It seems my reputation precedes me."

"The others spoke about you once. But I know as much as the Entity drilled into my head. I merely guessed it was you. I do not know what any of the monsters look like that I haven't met."

That knocks him down a tiny bit yet seems unphased.

"I see. Well, if that's the case..."

He stands up and offers me his hand.

"Allow me to offer you a chance to change that."

It takes a moment to process that.

"You want me...to go with you?"

"A little slow on the uptake. Yeah. That's what I'm offering."

"...Why?"

He sighs. Getting fed up with me enough to quickly reach down and yank me to my feet by the throat.

"Geez. I never thought you'd be so dull in person. I'm offering you something big. Some behind the scene action and get to know the crew. You should feel lucky. Nah, honored."

To try to pry him off would be futile. But that doesn't mean I have to just take this crap.

"*snarl* Let go of me!"

He wags a single finger on his free hand.

"Now now, darling. You won't get anywhere being demanding. Try again with proper respect to your better."

I cringe.

"*growl* Let go of me...Please?"

He smirks.

"Much better."

He puts me down yet doesn't remove his hand.

"Now then, rewinding back a bit...How would you like to make a friend?"

I am not liking this day. In fact, I fucking hate it.

"Sure?"

"Great! The others will just love meeting you. Some are dying to get there hands on you."

And now I'm uncomfortable.

"...I need an adult."

"I am an adult."

"A different one."

"I'll take you to them."

"Can we not?"

His grip tightens and I change my tune.

"*gasp* Okay okay...We can go."

His grip lacks.

"There. Isn't it easier to just go along with things than fight the flow?"

I don't respond. I can't figure a way to do so around him. His personality...It's too mixed to grip. But he gets the point of my silence. Tugging to get me moving as he treks beside me.

"I will admit...You're not quite what I was expecting."

Now he's chatty.

"I've been keeping tabs on you. Taking notes. You're not like this when with the other humans."

...He's been what? No wonder Nurse knew. This guy must've heard and reported it to the others.

"Maybe it's because you're unsure. I am a stranger. You know nothing about me or my motives. For all you know, I could be taking you away to do ungodly things with your body."

That legitimately made me shiver hard. A sensation that makes him chuckle.

"Now there's a reaction. Heheh...So cute. No worries, darling. I have no need of you like that."

I sigh with hope.

"Can't say any of the others won't."

I'm dead. I have to be. Somewhere along the line I died and went to hell. Maybe a bear got me in my sleep or was hit with lightning. Now I'm being punished. Maybe I can make a deal with the devil with a contest or sorts?

"Did that freak you out or are you thinking of a way to attack?"

My thoughts are broken.

"Huh?"

"Ah. You were just lost. Makes sense."

"Um...You were just trying to scare me...right?"

He doesn't respond.

"Right?!"

His composure falters. Unable to keep a straight face.

"*laugh* I'm sorry...*snicker* You just make it so easy to fuck with you."

I am so not in the mood for this.

"That's not FUNNY!"

He may have predicted I was going to hit him. He may even been ready for it. Yet he wasn't prepared for the brunt force not being a hit...but a charge. I end up taking him for a short ride into a tree, the bang catches him off guard and the shock has him release me. This momentary freedom is enough to get some space and I use it to run. Of course, he's not pleased by this and gives chase.

"*digital distortion* GET BACK HERE, YOU BITCH!"

Seems the robot loses his shit when upset. Good to know. Perhaps I can use that.

"Don't blow a gasket, ghost-bot. Aren't you used to this by now?"

"*digital distortion* I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!"

"You'd have to catch me first."

Granted, a clever guy like him probably knows these woods better than anyone and his costume is well suited to hiding in the darkness. Yet he does have a flaw. He's metal. Heavy heavy metal. While still of decent speed, he can't help his body mass and that is the key. Flesh be nimble, flesh be quick, flesh will adapt, flesh will strengthen, and flesh can overcome. All it takes is some careful maneuvering and just the right time to act. After all, he may have been watching me yet he doesn't know how I do things when pushed. He doesn't know what kind of beast I am!

"*digital distortion* DON'T THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME!"

The faint glint of a blade gets in my sight. From the right.

A slash comes down.

But it missed. Just barely though. I mistook his reach range and nearly took the blade of his tactical knife to the shoulder.

"*digital distortion* HOLD STILL, YOU WRETCH! YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED TO FEEL MY KNIFE SLIDING THROUGH YOUR RIBCAGE!"

Now. Now's the time.

"Sorry. But the only taste of steel I desire is not that weapon!"

I lunge, but it's a false one. The shock is to take him by surprise and gauge his reaction time. But I should've attacked. I shouldn't test things and aim for max damage. Because that's what he does. He's fast. Too fast. His free hand grabs a fistful of my hair and uses it as the tether to swing me into tree after tree.

"*digital distortion* ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?! THEN I'LL GRANT YOUR WISH AND BEAT YOU INTO COMPLIANCE!"

He doesn't joke about it either. The knife is put aside for now in favor of swinging me around and bashing me around the environment. Ground, rocks, bushes, trees. Nothing is off-limits to pummel my body into. In no time I'm coughing blood. The bright shimmering crimson is enough to get his attention. It shows his victory. Such a show calms him, reverting him to his relative ease as he holds my still form.

"*sigh* Oh dear...Look at you, darling. This is on you. All I wanted was to show you off. But no...You just had to be difficult."

I don't recall giving willing consent to any of this, so...fuck you.

"I suppose what's done is done. But I can't show up with you looking like this. Just...Hold still a sec."

The cold feel of his thumb smear blood from my face.

"Huh?"

His confusing musing tone has me look meekly up at him.

"Hmmm...Shame. I guess there's a time limit for that."

The only thing his words make me think of is my Anomaly State. So I move my hand enough to see it. Sure enough, I don't see the claws that were there moments before.

[Just as there are ways to trigger this False Killer state, there are ways to prevent and reverse you back to normal. Killers can also use pain to revert you to normal, with enough damage from clashing with a real Killer you will be back to being just another piece of meat waiting to be hooked.]

So he must have hurt me so bad that it reverted me to normal. Good. I'll let him believe there's a time limit. Jerk ain't getting any info out of me. Though I'll be real, I'm not gonna hold out very well if torture is used.

"Oh well. Human you will just have to do."

He tosses me up over his shoulder and resumes the action of taking me somewhere. For what? Fuck if I know.

"You're not going to stab me, are you?"

"*cough* Shouldn't I ask you that?"

"Just checking, darling. All's fun and game till someone gabs s shape object in your back."

"*cough* You are by far...the most confusing individual I have ever met."

"Do try not to talk. You're getting blood all over me."

Whatever. It's your fault I'm spitting blood. My annoyed monologue aside, I decided to just enjoy the ride. I ache too much to try wiggling free and even if I did I wouldn't get very far in this current state. Maybe a small nap would be nice. What's the worst that could happen? He kills me? Good. Then I'll pop my ass back at camp since I'm not all monster any longer. Just a short nap. Just for a...little...while.

...

[What do you think you are doing, Mettaton?]

This voice has Ghost Face pause.

"Oh...um...Nothing?"

[Do not lie. The Entity does not take lies well.]

"M-Master, I assure you, I have no ill intent here."

[Oh? Do tell then.]

"This human can become one of us, right? I figure...Perhaps we can, I don't know, make her more okay with becoming a killer."

[Hmmm...This one is rather reluctant to embrace her gifts.]

"Then am I allowed to continue?"

[Very well. Just do not be foolish. Your pride will blind you if you let your ego get the better of you.]

That made him flinch. It knew? Of course, it knew. The Entity is literally everywhere! It's always listening and watching. Best not fuck this up.

"Yes. Of course, Master."

Great. Now he had to be careful. The Entity didn't care about what the monsters did outside of trials so long as they didn't affect things leading up to trials. If they wanted to mess with the humans, it was okay. Often encouraged. Though this was a bit of hard one to gauge. It's a human but also a monster. If handled wrong, she could tell the other humans things that would give them a massive advantage in terms of strategy. And such a thing would be bad. Very bad indeed. So his plan to present the odd human as a "See? I deserve this more than Legion!" ploy will have to be reworked into a more "Hey guys, we need to make her like us more than them." type deal. Yet based on what he's seen and heard, that most likely won't be as hard of a thing to do than the other might think.

With this in mind, he continues onward. A location set in his thoughts, the forest around him giving way to emptiness and fog. Such a sight is normal for killers to see when traversing the realms. But he found it a little odd she did not react to this. A slight shimmying had him picking up on the sound of her shallow breathes. She nodded off. Rather a nice spot of luck. Less hassle while traveling. But perhaps he was a bit too rough in his anger. Oh well. No point crying over some possible internal hemorrhaging. The fog begins to thicken and wooden shack faintly hides within. This shack both exists in every realm and doesn't at the same time. But in this spot, in particular, was its own space. A place where the monsters would gather for meetings and other stuff. The only differences this shack had from the others was the lack of chests and the addition of bone piles used to practice hexes.

Entering the shack, he easily could tell it was empty. Not a sound could be heard before or after he descended the stairs to the basement. It would be a few more trials till their next meeting and she wasn't going back in one either, as no human was ever selected more than once a "day" to allow their soul to recover. Still, he had no clue if it was his time to kill and the risk of her being found in the open by one of the others would be too annoying to deal with. Thankfully, the lockers were the perfect place to stash a body. Though to be safe, he jams a bone in the handles to keep her from opening it and running away.

"There. Sleep tight, darling."

(SOME TIME LATER)

Muffled murmuring tempts my mushy brain to wake from soft slumber. Such sounds, most likely from others around the fire after I died. Fuck'em. I'm too tired.

*CLANG-CLANG*

My eyes shoot open. That wasn't a sound made at camp. In fact, I can see I'm in a container of sorts. Fuck! I need to heal! I start the process of healing with Self-Care. Damn it! Why is it so slow?!

lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub...

I can't tell if that's just the Terror Radius going off like crazy or the pounding of my own heart about to explode in panic.

*CLANK*

I'm only healed enough to be maybe 30%, thanks the power of sleep, but that's not enough to get me to be fully healed.

"Rise and shine, darling. You've slept long enough."

The doors are flung open and Ghost Face snatches me by the hair as I try to scamper past. A rather harsh tug upwards has me roaring and snarling at the robo-fucker. Yet my flailing stops when the force of multiple auras comes down on my soul and I shiver at the many sets of eyes now on me.

"See? I wasn't lying. Our new member is right here."

They...They're here...All of them...All of them are here...All 16 monsters...I...I have no words.

"Say hello, darling. You don't want to be rude."

"what the fuck, shit-face?!"

Legion pushes his way through and part of me almost feels relieved to see him.

"i told you she's my plaything."

There goes that feeling and in record time.

"look what you did. she's all banged up and bloody. this is why you don't mess with other people's property."

...Excuse me?

"She's not yours, squirt. You haven't completed the Trials of Obsession. So till you do, darling here is fair game."

I want to punch them both even if the result is brutal stabbings. Wait...What are the Trials of Obsession?

"Both of you cease your foolishness."

Wraith steps up and slaps Ghost Face's hand, making him let me go.

"The lamb is one of us. Show her the same as we give each other."

They look at each other and then me.

"sounds fair."

Legion punches my shoulder and I hiss at him.

"welcome to the club, meat."

"Funny. I didn't think there was a way for you to beat meat."

There's this weird silence, mostly because I feel dumb for making a random masturbation pun in a room full of killers, and the looks aimed at me don't help. But then he snickers.

"heheh...fucking hell, meat...that was almost good enough not to be pissed off at you for...almost."

I shrug.

"Fair enough."

A low disappointed groan gets attention.

"IS THIS THE STANDARDS OF THE ENTITY NOW? PATHETIC."

Huh...Another skeleton? Neat. Wraith pulls me aside.

"Lamb, this is your superior. Trapper. Show him respect."

Aka...Mr. Grumpy Bones. This guy is tall. Wearing nothing more than dark red work boots, dark black with red trim overalls, and a twisted soulless scared mask that barely hides the glow of his red eyes. Hooks and metal shrapnel stab at his bare-bones. A thick brutal cleaver is held in his right hand while bear traps hang from his waist. No wonder he's agitated. That shit has to hurt. I bow my head.

"My apologies, Sir."

This calms him a bit. Though not much.

"*SCOFF* AT LEAST IT HAS MANNERS."

"It does help that the darling actually responds to us. Those other sacks of meat just ignore anything we say."

"Yeah, about that...I don't think they understand what any of you are saying. Like, at all."

I just had to chime in.

"Really?"

"They told me you guys couldn't talk and they had no clue what I was saying when I was a killer. So...I guess there's a language barrier of sorts."

"Huh...Explains a lot. Seems we have a new advantage! The meat thinks we're mindless beasts."

Well...Fuck. I messed that up.

"Maybe this faker is worth more than first thought."

This voice comes from an unamused, what looks like, a fish woman wearing a rabbit mask. The fuck? Her whole everything is confusing my brain. A thick torn sarafan that's black on the top while dull blue on the bottom, customized with pillaged soldier utility belts, dark pants, and she's barefoot. On top of that her skin is dark blue scales, odd fins stand out where her ears would be, the bottom of the mask doesn't cover her lower jaw so you can see a few scars, her long bright red hair is made dull with a black veil, one eye is blacked out while the other shimmers with gold, her teeth are like a shark's, her hands and feet are webbed. Her weapons? Small throwing hatches tucked on her waist and a traditional ax with a large heavy head. She is basically what you'd get if the creature from the black lagoon banged a lumberjack. She is the Huntress.

"So what? The bitch is still meat. I'm not going to see her as anything else."

So speaks up a rather odd sight. A ghost, kind of small but not really, wearing an old brown fedora and red with dull green strips sweater. I'd saw this fella wasn't all that spooky if he didn't have that bladed glove on his right hand or the strange way his ectoplasm causes his appearance to be mottled or the eerie death stare given by his cold dull eyes. This is Nightmare. And he is as messed up as his name.

"hAG like. Look yums."

As said, this is the Hag. A wild-looking thing she is. Their body is emaciated, dried skin deformed by insatiable hunger and lightly hinted with faint dirty white fuzz. She kind of looks like a dog mixed with a cat in some ways. The body is clearly dog but the face is a cat, yet has both pointy cat and flop dog ears. Her front paws are armed with fingers made into solid claws, perfect for rendering flesh. Her grey hair resembles a feathery mane and has a wreath of thorns worked into it. All that's left is the sky blue and yellow striped tunic that has seen much better days. She is simple. But oftentimes the deadliest things are.

"Bet that one there would make some mighty fine pudding."

Not sure I understand what Hillbilly means by that. But judging by some of their faces, eating humans isn't that big of a stretch. Hillbilly is a sad-looking thing. Less scary and more like concerned for its health. This light blue-furred rabbit-like monster has a red nose and a tuft of fur sprouting from the top of his head. He wears a dull dirty torn yellow short-sleeved shirt with a single vertical red stripe in the middle covers their twisted crooked skin, and dull red torn disheveled jeans. Almost looks like the rags of the unwanted farmhand. A brutal cattle hammer in one hand deals a sharp blow to the skull as the most effective manner of slaughter and in the other a hulking and motorized chainsaw of terrifying strength. Grinds through flesh, bone, and soul.

"Mmmm...Pudding."

This hulking brute is the Cannibal. The name says it all. An orange cat-like monster wearing a terrifying mask of dried human skin, with what looks like an M or something close to one etched on the forehead, stretched and stitched together. Tall with a bit of a gut who wears filthy pinkish-peach colored workman's clothes, a yellow bloodstained butcher's apron covers a dress shirt and dark slacks. He also has this dress tie that seems out of place yet nice and a strange charm bracelet on his left wrist. His weapons are similar to Hillbilly, a classic sledgehammer and aggressive looking chainsaw.

"*hack* If anything...She'll make for good practice. *cough*"

Now this one...This one disturbs me. The Clown. I hate clowns. And this guy is the sickest looking joke of them all. A bloated pig of a man, except he's no pig, this man is definitely some kind of goat. Tall with broad shoulders, a bulky body, a golden blond mane/beard, two large floppy ears, and two large curved horns. Eyes like coal with a small blue sheen. Face painted in a miserable smile. Wearing the attire of a much smaller ringmaster. Classic tailcoat with button-up shirt pushed far beyond its stretching point. Dirty purple with gold accents, large bow, buttons, a trick golden flower of some kind on the lapel, and suspenders with a comically big key ring holding severed human fingers. An oversize butterfly knife shaped like a bird's feather in one hand and bottle of brew in the other. I don't like this one. He scares me.

"❄☟☜☼☜ 🕈✋☹☹ 👌☜ ☠⚐ 🕯🏱☼✌👍❄✋👍☜🕯 ⚐☠ ❄☟☜ ☟🕆💣✌☠ ❄✋☹☹ ✌☞❄☜☼ ✋ ☟✌✞☜ 🏱☜☼💧⚐☠✌☹☹✡ ☼✌☠ ✌ ❄☟☼⚐🕆☝☟ ☜✠✌💣✋☠✌❄✋⚐☠📬 ✋ 🕈✋☹☹ 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎 🕈☟✌❄ 💣✌😐☜💧 ❄☟✋💧 ⚐☠☜ ❄✋👍😐📬" (THERE WILL BE NO 'PRACTICE' ON THE HUMAN TILL AFTER I HAVE PERSONALLY RAN A THROUGH EXAMINATION. I WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT MAKES THIS ONE TICK.)

I suspect this one to be the brains of the group. The Doctor. Yet another skeleton but not quite. The bones that I can see appear to be more fused, solid even and melded with wiring in a super painful way. His face is the most excruciating. The straps, hooks, wires, and electrodes being used to contort his skull to the point there's some fracturing of the bone. Donned in a sleeveless doctor's coat that has seen better days and normal dress-wear underneath. The implement of punishment in his hand is one I fail to comprehend. It's like a metal stick but the tip is pointed like a stake and the midsection is spiked while crackling with electrical power. Yeah...Me no like that either.

"Allow m-m-me to assist you, Doctor. If t-t-that's alright?"

The lady with the stutter is known as the Pig, though that seems to stem from her mask and not the kind of monster she is. The visible skin looks to be yellow and scaly, possibly reptilian? A rotting pig's head with runlets of blood trickling from its eye holes and nostrils, topped with long black messy hair though yellow spikes seem to poke through it. Her posture is somewhat hunched over. The attire is that a long, maybe white at some point but now red, bloody coat and dark pants. A razor-sharp blade, attached to a mechanical contraption on her right wrist can be concealed or extended at will. And under the coat, are tucked away death helmets known as Reverse Bear Traps what when used will pry the victim's jaw apart.

"Yeah. Let's CUT her APART! Bit by BIT!"

Spirit seems to be more unstable than most. She appears to be some sort of cat but her grey flesh doesn't look real, like plastic or some other synthetic material, as if she were a doll possessed. Her pink hair is wild and windswept, dancing in the dark. She lacks much in the form of noticeable lady bits which is good since shredded bloody pink bandages are all that's covering her chest and lower half. Her body is a mess. Cuts large and small, gashes, limbs completely severed, all sprinkled with shards of glass forced in places as if trying to escape. Large golden jingle bells dangle under each fluffy ear. Her milky eyes hold a small hint of emerald color. She is a sad sight to look at but not one without danger. The tip of a single-edged straight katana protrudes from the base of her right hand, in a swift motion, heads would roll from an unseen blow.

"Sacrifice! The Entity demands sacrifices! This dearie will appease the hunger!"

Well someone looks like they came from a time of blind god worship that didn't go so well. Meet the Plague, a spider monster with periwinkle or lavender skin that is being degraded by disease, five eyes, six arms, and two legs. A sacred crown worn to hide the affliction that slowly took this possibly ordained priestess, twin pigtails stick out the back along with the flow of her black locks. Imperial red and ruby robes woven from the finest silks, probably crafted for her to display her status. Golden chains, necklaces, and even sharp claw fingermail adorn her in accents. Her weapon is one unseen before and yet fitting of her look. A profane censer, an ancient-looking incense burner held aloft by a long heavy chain exudes the sweetest fragrances to mask the decay around her.

So many faces. So many means of death. Yet...One is missing Where is the one known as...?

".........."

A faint whisper pulls my attention before being actually pulled by an overly strong hand and I wince at the knowing bruise forming in such a grip on my upper arm. This has eyes pulled to watch as one of the Entity's most relentless monsters interact with me, the odd human. This is the Shape, a fire monster. An expressionless white latex Halloween mask covers his head but the hair has burned away to be topped by his orange flames. Everyday dark navy almost black workman overalls contain a living furnace of hell's own fire. An oversized kitchen knife with devastatingly sharp edges is all that is needed to end a life. His eyes. He has the blackest eyes. The devil's eyes. And the inferno shines within them. Yet...Why don't I feel in danger?

"Um...Hello."

He tilts his head.

"Would you kindly let go of my arm? Please? It hurts."

There's this silence and damn if it's awkward. But slowly, that bone-shattering hold loosens and I'm allowed to lightly cover the area. It's so weird. This feeling on my skin.

"So warm..."

Absentminded thought is absentminded.

"Thank you."

He merely stares down at me. Such a tall guy. Hell, everyone is bigger than me except Hag, Pig, Nurse, and Legion. The hand that once did warm proceeds to pat my head and I feel dumb enough to giggle.

"awww...how cute."

Legion mocks me but I choose to ignore him and pay attention to Shape.

"Sound's like someone's jealous."

Ghost Face teases.

"what?"

"With no effort at all, he already holds more favor than you and you saw her first."

Legion sneers and Ghost Face piles on.

"I suppose nothing you did was all that grand if something as simple as a head pat holds more weight."

"*snarls* fuck you."

"Oooh. I'm shaking. Such biting words."

"i'll show you biting!"

Legion storms over as Shape continues test touch me curiously, like what one does at a petting zoo, and the sudden movement of Legion has me unconsciously move closer to the man of flame. He suddenly slams me on a wall, his arm braced against my throat while his free hand grabs my face.

"who do you think you are?"

"*grunt* The hell is your problem?"

I should probably put up a struggle. But I'm in no mood. Besides, he's not even pressing as hard as he could. So I don't try to push him back.

"don't forget your place here, meat. and don't forget who you belong to."

I shake his hand off in annoyance.

"Dude, I'm gonna be real with you. I am in no position to piss anyone in this room off. That said, I am in no mood to deal with this kind of crap. So take this power play you're doing and shove up."

His sockets widen.

"What's wrong, Legion? Can't control a human?"

Huntress remarks.

"And to think he wants to claim obsession rights. What a joke."

Nurse cuts deep with that one. Legion gets more annoyed.

"if you think you'll get away with embarrassing me, you're wrong."

"Hey, man, we were cool till you did this. You're the guy doing dumb shit because of peer pressure."

The snickers and whispers in the background aren't helping him. It becomes too much.

"*sharp roar*"

I didn't feel the initial strike. I most likely wouldn't have known till feeling something else entirely. But then there's a twist in my side that brings more pain than can be ignored. Now I'm clawing at his arm for release.

"*growl* this is what you get. this is what you get for thinking you're...!"

"That's enough. Your point has been made."

Wraith and Shape each put a hand on Legion's shoulders.

"......"

"i am calm! she..."

"Did nothing and you know that."

"............"

Legion's eyes shift to look at the floor as if he's been scolded into realization.

"......."

"i'm not going to apologize."

"You don't have to."

A slow tug is made and his blade is removed, making me gasp louder than intended. Though instead of backing off, he leans in to my side and whispers.

"never forget who you belong to. who's name was craved on your chest. remember that. you are mine."

Feeling my limits being pressed after everything this questionable day has done, I'm not about to just take this. The second he gives me any slack, I grab his hoodie and get in his face, but keep my voice low.

"I know."

There's a slight growl to my words but it's not from any hostility. It's from pain and the struggle to keep standing when I should be on the ground. My words rattle him, making him shove me and in my current state I give in to my bodies will to fall. Just peachy. Stuck in an enclosed space with a ton of monsters and I'm in the dying state. Easy picking for any of them.

"💧☟☜ ☼☜💧✋💧❄☜👎 ❄☟☜ 👎✡✋☠☝ 💧❄✌❄☜📬 ☞✌💧👍✋☠✌❄✋☠☝📬" (SHE RESISTED THE DYING STATE. FASCINATING.)

"The lamb is...quirky."

"*grumble* This lamb is bleeding out. Not deaf."

My annoyance is noted but ignored. Shape scoops me up onto his shoulder. Oddly, even though my wound is still open, bleeding stops when picked up by a monster. It's a momentary fix to not dying.

"*strained* Thanks, big guy."

A slight nod was the reply. At least so far, one of them I'd consider possibly decent outside of trial.

"SO..."

Trapper's voice chimes in.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT?"

Wow. Really dude? Am I so beneath you that you don't see me as a person? Whatever. He does make a good point. What are they going to do? Other than killing me.

"✌💧 💣☜☠❄✋⚐☠☜👎 👌☜☞⚐☼☜📪 ✋ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 ☹✋😐☜ ❄⚐ 💧❄🕆👎✡ ☟☜☼ 🕈☟✋☹☜ ❄☟☜ ⚐🏱🏱⚐☼❄🕆☠✋❄✡ ✋💧 ☝✋✞☜☠📬" (AS MENTIONED BEFORE, I WOULD LIKE TO STUDY HER WHILE THE OPPORTUNITY IS GIVEN.)

I take it I'm just being ignored as a living being as they contemplate among themselves on what to do with me. Oh well...Might as well try something crazy. I tap Shape and he looks at me. I say not a word. Merely motion to the stairs. I don't expect much. But I hope for some pity. He just stares at me and that unnerving stare has me shiver even when surrounded by his heat. Yet slowly he starts to make his way to leave. Sadly, this movement doesn't go unseen.

"hey, buddy, it's not nice to take what doesn't belong to you."

Oh my god, give me a fucking break! Shape looks at Legion, the others, then me, and then back to Legion.

".........."

"yeah, sure, whatever. just hand her over."

Wait what? Shape starts to hand me over to Legion and I hear internal glass shattering from my broken hope of escape.

"*strained* No...No, no, no, no, no! I thought we were cool, big guy! I thought we were cool!"

"don't whine. it won't make things better."

Now in Legion's grasp, I officially give up.

"*strained* Just...make it quick. Whatever it is."

"geez. killjoy much?"

I see a small opportunity and my brain says to take it before going completely dead.

"*strained* Kill Joy? I don't even know her."

It's a terrible joke. The kind that makes even people on laughing gas cringe. Yet...I feel him chuckle. He doesn't make the sound but his shoulders rock with mirth.

"☹☜☝✋⚐☠📬 👌☼✋☠☝ 💣☜ ❄☟☜ ☟🕆💣✌☠📬" (LEGION. BRING ME THE HUMAN.)

I sigh and shut my eyes. I don't want to see anything more than what I have to of this crap.

"yeah...no."

Say what now?

"☠⚐✍" (NO?)

"you heard me, doc."

"✡⚐🕆 ✋☠💧⚐☹☜☠❄ ☹✋❄❄☹☜ 💧☟✋❄📬 ✡⚐🕆 🕈✋☹☹ ⚐👌☜✡ ✡⚐🕆☼ 👌☜❄❄☜☼✏" (YOU INSOLENT LITTLE SHIT. YOU WILL OBEY YOUR BETTER!)

I open my eyes in time to see Legion flipping Doctor off.

"i think i've made myself clear. she's mine. if you want to do anything with her, you have to find her in the trials or...beg me for permission."

The rational part of me knows he's just asserting himself with this move. But the dumb hopeful part of me is thinking maybe this will be okay. A sudden jerk and he's sprinting up the stairs. This skeleton continues to amaze me. There's a commotion from the others, the few that bother to attempt chasing Legion, though once he boosts it becomes painfully clear that they're not going to keep up and stop. It's also clear that we're not anywhere anymore. My only guess is this is the space of the fog, the place between the realms the Entity made.

"*strained* I think you lost them."

He faintly looks over his empty shoulder yet keeps his fast pace.

"even if it seems that way, don't believe it. some of them..."

"*strained* Can teleport, become invisible, and hide their terror radius? Yeah, I know."

"heh...one minute you know nothing and the next you do. what changed?"

"*strained* The Entity mind raped me."

"...okay..."

Probably not the best choice of words on my end.

"*strained* Where are we going?"

He doesn't answer.

"*strained* Dude, give me a break. I've been stabbed multiple times, chased, beaten, abducted, and killed all in what feels like hours. The least you can do is tell me where you're going."

Again, he says nothing.

"*strained scoff* Typical. You don't see me. Just something to use. Damn it...Why do I always think the best of others when time and time again I'm proven wrong? You're no different than everyone else."

This has him skid to a dead stop.

"what did you say?"

Why do I suddenly feel like I'm gonna regret life even more? He tosses me off his shoulder and now I know I fucked up.

"i am nothing like them!"

He kicks me hard in the gut. My wound pours out more in response. I won't last long at this rate.

"*strained coughs* Ow...*sputter* real mature..."

"shut up!"

He proceeds to stomp his heel into my back repeatedly.

"you don't know a damn thing about me! don't fucking think for a second that you're better! you're no different than any other shitty human! you're not special! nobody cares about you! do you hear me?! nobody!"

It's getting so cold. The puddle forming around my body is outrageous. But karma is funny in a douchy way. He slips in the puddle while adjusting his stance and falls flat on his back...however...this makes his non-stomping foot kicks me point-blank in the face. Lights out instantaneously.

...

{bones? are you okay?}

{dumbass. the fuck were ya thinking?}

{i thought we were to keep her away from the others so we could inform her of the trial rights. not kill her. though great use of technique on brutality.}

Bones shakes his head. A fog clouded his judgment. Looking to the bloody body on the ground, he is fairly sure she's dead and the size of the puddle around her only makes it seem like he's right. Yet...she's still there and not fading into the darkness. Either she's resisting or there's still some time before she completely bleeds out. Going with the latter, he collects the girl and just barely feels the shallow breaths leaving her.

"*sigh* fuck my life."

{what happened?}

{he fucking snapped, genius. the fuck do ya think happened?}

He ignores the question to continue walking.

"boo."

{y-yes?}

"when we get back to base, i want you to take control and deal with the human when she wakes up."

{what?!}

{m-me? why me?}

{yeah, why ya putting the baby in charge for this?}

"simple. he won't do something stupid."

{like you did?}

"fuck you. chops, you'd do worse than me and you know it."

{meh.}

"and dead-eye...well...you'd kill her if the mood hit."

{you are not wrong.}

"it's settled. boo, you chat her up and get her on our side. it'll make getting those dumb rights easy."

{okay, bones. but, uh, are you sure you can't do it? she's never met me. what if she freaks out?}

{oh my god! grow a spine, you fucking pussy!}

{he has a point. you can not show uncertainty to humans. they will use it against you and we can never lose the fear we hold over them.}

{plus, scaring those bitches is fun as hell.}

{that too.}

That earns a snicker from the leader.

"just be yourself, boo. besides...i get the feeling her waking up to see me won't end well."

{yeah. ya fucked up.}

{big time.}

"alright, i get it! i don't need heckling from you dorks."

{dorks? us?}

{we aren't the moron that's stabbing our meal ticket to getting respect to death like a dumb fuck.}

"that! that shit right there is why you assholes don't get the body more often."

{if that's the case, why don't i get the body more?}

"shut up, boo!"

{o-okay.}

"and there's your answer."

{oh...ah man.}

Bones shakes his head. The fog slowly giving way to snow. Mount Ormond Resort begins to come into view as Bones starts to change. The color of his clothing altering to lighter blue hues, the binds of tape melting away, and a bow made with a long scarf tied around the waist looks like a target on his back. It's time for a new take on things. Perhaps Boo can salvage the plan. Here's hoping the human will take to him better than Bones.

[thebastardmeteocrusherpilot]

Andross x Pigma? Please explain?

Oh fuck, I supposed someone would ask about this. Okay, I don’t care honestly. I can calmly answer this question about this couple not so loved by western fans.

[ This is a long post and probably so cringy or more based in headcanons but let’s start! ]

First, a little information that not many know, but thanks to this user, I was able to find out a little more about Pigma’s past. Apparently, Pigma worked with Andross when the monkey was a scientist from Corneria. Now this responds to the fact that they apparently knew each other since before the Lylat war, and would answer or give a reason why Pigma betrayed James and Peppy for Andross. Perhaps they conspired earlier before Andross’s exile, or was there something else? Who knows! The fun of not having much information from Starfox is to develop mysterious ideas.

With that said, and although it is more based on my ideas, I like that possibility that Pigma really is a faithful follower of Andross, or a friend with a lot of admiration for Andross’s ingenuity. Andross was probably an inspiration for Pigma to be a scientist or mechanic or something else. As I said, any possibility is possible, and anyone will have their reasons about its dynamics!

In my case, I really like the idea that Pigma was a friend of Andross since his work in the Corneria army. Andross also sees him as his friend, but he could never show that sign of friendship apart from having daily visits or talks with him. Even Andross could always count on Pigma’s help or collaboration for his plans or care for a little Andrew or his sister (I’ll talk about that later).

Not only that, Andross never cared to pay Pigma for any detail, after all, money was not the important thing for Andross, but more his obsession with work or the unrequited love of his life. Pigma is satisfied with that, and so is being next to Andross, who secretly admires a lot.

Of course, Pigma is not an idiot (of course he is not), and notices Andross’s slow but macabre madness. But he didn’t think it would be so serious until he saw Andross planned to kill James with a bomb (and who Vixy, fox’s mother, would die by accident) and when he saw Andross would sacrifice lives for his work and technological process.

Pigma is still terrified by Andross for that (and does not forgive Andross for what happened with Vixy), but he cannot ignore that the monkey has a powerful determination and great intelligence that is worthy of admiration.

With that said, what do we have here? Basically, a relationship between a totally intelligent but gloomy man and another expressive, mocking and greedy man who in turn is also as intelligent as his beloved monkey friend (and no, I don’t think Pigma is an idiot, just watch starfox 64, zero or Guard, or even Starlink, to realize that he is not the idiot that everyone wants to think thanks to Assault).

The first is a criminal with an interesting histotial, being a man with a lot of intelligence behind and a dark personality, but admired by that first detail, and who the other man admires in total secrecy, but who remains his friend and ally during a dangerous war. Even if you don’t want to admit it, and just talk about the reward you will receive when working as a mercernary with Starwolf, or taking care of Andrew. after all, a greedy man is still a greedy man (that would not make Pigma a bad person, if he had not done what made him the traitor of Starfox).

Andross is an emperor now, but he and pigma continue to interact, whether or not they talk about old times or the future they have in mind if they win the war. The monkey’s brain still didn’t deteriorate too much to lose social behavior, and Pigma is still the sociable pig that was with James or peppy.

(And again) with all that said! The reason why I like the idea of ​​a ship of the two of them would be, basically, for thinking of a story of “romance” with tragicomedy.

In part, because of the different personalities of both, it can create a funny strange relationship between a serious and gloomy man (andross) and an expressive man who loves to make jokes about how strange the other is (pigma). Apart from other fun ideas with them interacting, probably with pigma trying to flirt with andross and failing in the process, or Andross trying to be “pretty” with Pigma.

and on the tragic or distressing part, well, I like it better because of its concept of two men who are bad people “in love”, but it is clear that one manipulates the other by that detail (the manipulated here is Pigma), and the other falls into those “charms” with bad intentions.

In conclusion: I am an idiot who loves to match villains or bad people, having a strange “romantic” relationship between them. Ending in a funny strange interaction or in an anguishing love story between them.

I just need more ships with villains, Sara!

[spacecharr]

Why I’m Not Threatened By Old Men

A (high) treatise on why young women shouldn't be afraid of all old men.

Written by a (high) young bi woman of colour.

---

Lemme start by saying I wrote that title because I thought it would be clickbaity. And I wrote the subtitle like that because I'm being "funny" and I anticipate it will generate trolling. My popcorn is getting cold, and I want a show.

And incidentally, it's all true.

Because this is SpaceCharr pontificating on #authenticity and weed, son!

My local Starbucks is small, has a tiny little patio, limited seating and serves a wildly diverse customer base. From your Basic Skinny Pumpkin Spice Latte Bitch(TM) to uniformed police, from sharply dressed businessmen to soccer moms with three kids and a Burberry purse, from punk-rock loud and proud visibly LGBTQ folks to button-down sweater-vest old-schoolers, and from local college kids to retired old men.

It’s fascinating to see the crazy range of people and it makes for eavesdropping lazily on some hilarious (and sometimes very serious) conversations ranging all over the place.

And for some reason, I have a really really easy time getting old white men to talk to me. 

Lemme lay some context: I’m a friendly gal. I’m sociable, (I’ve been told) charming, easy going, and very casual. I remember in elementary being given feedback by my teachers that I was “unapproachable”, and they were worried I would have difficulty making friends. From junior high on, I purposefully (after much coaching from my parents and my mom especially) sought out opportunities to learn better social skills. As an only kid, I didn’t have any siblings to be guaranteed friends with, and my relationship with my extended family was spotty at best. 

So if I wanted friends, I knew I’d have to get them on my own. (Troll Note: I know some dipshit’s gonna be all “omg sure #thathappened. Like a grade schooler can know that” - and you’re right! Grade like, 3-6 me had no fuckin’ clue. But 20s me? Who’s gone through a bunch of psychotherapy? Now she knows a bit more)

I learned interpersonal skills. I did drama, I joined clubs, I did Toastmasters (fuckin’ fantastic, btw, look for your local chapter), and I even did the Dale Carnegie Interpersonal Skills course that’s based off How to Win Friends and Influence People (1000% recommend, A+ on how to be a decent human despite its manipulative-sounding title which is brilliant). I learned how to be a more approachable person - and I learned why people find it approachable.

I saw the difference in how people received me when I spoke formally versus when I spoke in a very familiar tone (”hello” vs “hey, hey!”). I noticed that I could easily put the people I was dealing with off-balance in a good way (relieved surprise) with humour and well-meant self-deprecation. I learned through trial and error what body language and touch cues elicited in terms of responses across various types of people. It became second nature for me to analyse and act on these, and my knowledge of these techniques helps me daily in my work as a consultant.

So now, after several years in the workforce, multiple significant life events (aka I’m relatively old), and more overall life experience, I’m often described by my coworkers and friends as “very friendly and often happy”. Of course, according my sibling-like co-scoundrels in my cube farm, I am “disgustingly upbeat” - but they say it with love because they know I’ll tease them relentlessly, too.

I have found over the years that I have actually changed down to the core of that grade school girl. I’ve gone from a kid who struggled to make friends and who was seen as unapproachable, to a person who can very quickly establish good rapport. 

(side note: holy fuck I just realized I went from Dandere to Deredere... I’m a fuckin’ anime side character, shit)

Kind of the best example of what I mean is an interaction I had with a new massage therapist at this place I had a gift card for. That is to say, a complete and total stranger whom I had never interacted with or seen in the past. The shop I was at had you wait in the reception area with the receptionist until the RMT came to get you. So this dude came out to meet me, introduced himself and we chatted easily for a bit. After not even a minute of us chatting, he and I were laughing together and shared an easy chemistry. The receptionist - remember, who’d been there when the RMT and I introduced ourselves for the first time - then asked me “oh, are you two old friends?” to which he and I laughed and said “no, we’re just friendly”.

Anyways - that’s the context.

I’m a friendly gal. Sociable, a bit charming, easy going, and easily able to manipulate her own behaviours in order to make the other person feel more comfortable.

In Harry Potter-code: I’m a Slytherin who can play a Hufflepuff, but only because it gets me what I want - your cooperation and rapport - more easily. However, I also do genuinely mean those nice Hufflepuff-like actions - just, there’s an ulterior motive attached.

I’m also young, and obviously with South Pacific Islander blood in me (exotic features - I’ve been told I’d be cast in Miss Saigon if they ever did a musical in my city - I took it as as compliment, since I’m friends with the old white dude who told me that and he did mean it as a compliment).

Let’s put this together:

Exotic, tan-skinned young woman

Chatty, friendly, skilled at making people feel comfortable

Can make someone feel like an old friend

Easily self-deprecating and humourous

In a Starbucks with chatty retired old dudes and a lot of shared seating

Can anyone else see why my title makes more sense? (Legit, I am high, so if it doesn’t make sense, that makes sense)

Lemme spell it out for you bois: I’m an old perverted white man’s wet dream.

(yes, I’ve been told such to my face; yes, I believe from experience that most of the people who won’t believe me are straight young men - not out of malice, I think, but out of a belief that people aren’t that bad [not that old men finding young women attractive is bad - acting on it in certain ways however, can be]).

I’ve worked out of the Starbucks I mentioned several times in the past. As a consultant, I have a measure of flexibility in my schedule and I find I work best on some of my problem solving and documentation work when I’m out of the office. The change of scenery and the need to shut out the environment to “see” my work helps me - plus I don’t get drawn into the co-scoundrel shenanigans.

And I’m not kidding you - 8/10 times that I go there, I make a new old white man friend. Even the bi dude I met (srsly, it feels like since I made the decision to be openly out, I’m meeting more and more bi people everywhere when before there was nobody) was an old white dude.

I fuckin’ love it.

I am a young, bi woman of colour who loves having old white man friends. 

Because they’re just as chill, non-judgemental, self-deprecating, sociable, and easy-going as I am. And they appreciate my dad jokes and bi puns. Seriously. Dads everywhere - we all secretly love your jokes.

And, y’know what? I think more young women - LGBTQ or not, PoC or not - should want to have old white dudes as friends. 

INB4 tumblrinas: I don’t mean resurrect Hitler and be his gal pal. I mean don’t dismiss a possible friend just because they’re old, white, and have a dick. Use your brain - not every human is good, but likewise, not every human is bad. We come in shades in all ways.

I won’t tell you what to do, because I don’t know. What I want to share with you is why I feel the way I do. And let you do what you will with it - because I’m not interested in changing your mind. I’m interesting in trading stories and adventures - and understanding more about each other through that exchange.

Here’s why I love being open to talking to old white dudes:

Dad jokes. I’m not kidding. I love Dad Jokes.

They’re often past the point of giving a shit about society, so if you have a genuine, good-natured conversation about your point of view, chances as they won’t give a shit as long as you’re happy and no one’s dying.

They have amazing stories. I can’t tell you the number of times a new friend of mine has launched into crazy tales of things they got up to when they were younger.

They have great advice. Often, they’ve made some pretty bad mistakes. And they’re all too happy to share their lessons and spare someone else the trouble.

They often just want a chat. They don’t need a new friend, they don’t want your number, they just want a lively conversation with someone who isn’t gonna call the cops on them.

It’s so freakin’ easy to make their day and make them smile. And the genuine surprise when they find a young chickie they’ve no doubt had to weigh the pros-and-cons of talking to, who is easy-going and as happy to make their acquaintance as they are hers? It’s so cute. Old man smiles are so cute.

They respect you for being unapologetically who you are. They know that they’ve invited themselves into a talk with you - and they’re willing to carry and/or exit that talk if they find you being openly yourself. (which means if “yourself” is a fuckwit, they’ll just drop you if they know what’s good for ‘em; but then you’re just a fuckwit in Starbucks)

I guess for more location context, I should add that I live in Canada; it’s not an uncommon occurrence here for spontaneous conversations to happen. It might be more rare in other places, though. My city is also quite progressive and has a fairly active and supported LGBTQ scene.

All this said, it’s just a really nice experience in my mind to have good relationships (passing conversations, spontaneous coffee clubs, casual friendships, or more serious friendships) with old dudes as a young woman.

It’s like having a legion of second father figures, or uncles, more accurately fun drunkles, and older brothers. 

I enjoy several significant friendships with old dudes:

I go for coffee almost every week with two white old dudes and a dudette (I’d say “old” but she’d punch me out): our conversations range from politics to wood relationships to name calling to sibling-like teasing.

I have three co-scoundrels at work that I’m close friends with, all are old men. None are in a position to help me with anything at work, but damn are they hilarious and they’re a ready Friday-afternoon morale boost with their antics.

I have a very close old Japanese-Canadian friend. We have a complicated and somewhat tense relationship, but ultimately I think it can be said that we have a certain platonic love for each other. Though we don’t speak frequently, we’re both very significant to the other. He was my taiko instructor.

I have another very close relationship with one of my long-standing old dude friends. He’s known me since I was 9. A single hug from this man can stop an anxiety attack in its tracks. We kiss each other on the cheek and like to weird out the ladies at Starbucks when we go there with each other by holding hands - we’re both Slytherin trolls.

Don’t forget the OG Old Guy: my proper Old Man. My papa. Our relationship was strained by my mother’s unhealthy approach to all her familial relations during my early years. But as I’ve moved out, gotten older, and gained more life experience, it feels like my dad is finally realizing I’m not a little girl anymore - that I’m a woman, with woman needs, woman wants, and woman expectations and behaviours. We don’t talk about all things, naturally, he’s still my dad. But I can’t tell you how great it feels to have a dad who I know has my back no matter what.

I feel like there’s a certain conditioning for young women to “fear” the “old white man”. Certainly for me in particular it feels like there’s lots of factors in play: my “tropical” ethnicity, my youth, my LGBTQ nature (still haven’t been asked for a threesome as a bi woman - I’m impressed with my city), and, naturally, my gender.

While I do know that those are all things that certainly do warrant a certain amount of wariness around strangers (old in my neighborhoods usually means highly conservative about, depending on the age of said person, “the immigrants” or “the non-whites”. Age from young-old to old-ass-old. They’re a product of their time.), I also think it’s vital not to let that wariness get in the way of making a possible new friend.

Anyways, I need to wrap this up.

How does this loop back into #authenticity and weed? Well, it’s been my experience that the old (white + some Asians, in my case) dude friends that I’ve made are some of the best people to help you be yourself.

They have anecdotes to illustrate benefits, cons, risks, and rewards; they have dad jokes and puns to bring some much-needed levity; they don’t give a fuck about the other Starbucks goers - for better or for worse; and they - just like you - just wanna have a good day and be able to be themselves.

Does this apply to every old man? No. Does it not apply to every old man? No.

If you’ve read this far, you have the brain capacity necessary to give someone a chance. Now, you’ll wanna do some preparation if this is nearing your max capacity, because you wanna make sure you’re not letting the wrong old man come talk to you all friendly-like. 

But once you find one who’s just a swell dude? Cut ‘im some slack, maybe remember that he’s struggling to speak your vocabulary as much as you’re struggling to understand his. 

Sit back, drink some coffee, smoke a joint, and share a story once in a while.

Anyways. That’s been SpaceCharr Pontificating.

Cheers, buds.

Stoner note:  My hand rolling’s gotten so much better. And the weed I have doesn’t seem to smell as strongly as the pre-roll I had that one time, so I might sesh in the park at some point. I have my inaugural shroom trip this weekend - bestie agreed to tripsit! Yay! And she’s bringing the whole Planet Earth HD collection! - so it might not be for a while. I want to give the experience the attention it deserves, plus I need to establish a clean baseline to experiment accurately with microdosing.

[nekojitachan]

You ever get something stuck in your head and you’re just like ‘WRITE NOW’?

Well, instead of finishing RP10, I did a thing.

Uhm, black magic, revenge, bad things happening to OCs (not graphic) and past bad things happening to other characters, but again, nothing graphic.

I call this ‘a boy and his demon meet cute’

*******

“-pass it around, Scott, don’t hog it!”

“I’m not! I barely got any off of it that time, you asshole! Stop complaining.”

“Both of you shut up before someone hears us.”

“Gawd, you’re such an old man, Ren. Live a little for once!”

“Yeah, come on, help me with this! It’ll be fun!”

Andrew had another swig of the cheap bourbon that Emilio had managed to get his hands on while the rest of the morons fussed over the book Gaby had brought along, even holding up their lighters to help illuminate the dark overhang on the roof of the hellhole currently serving as their home – McDougal Rehabilitation Center (or McD’s, as even the staff called it). A ‘lovely’ place with shitty plumbing and a/c and worse heating, but oh what a bonus that its make-shift security system always went on the fritz after a thunderstorm. Of course that didn’t do its poor wayward inhabitants much good when there was still the nasty outer parameter (Andrew suspected someone of having trust issues, imagine that), but on stormy nights when Jones was running their ward, the lazy bastard didn’t give much of a shit what they did as long as they were back in their beds by morning without any noticeable body harm or destruction of property.

So up to the roof they went, a chance to breathe some fresh (humid as fuck) air, to smoke and drink. Andrew wasn’t very sociable (at all), but he knew how to bypass the lock on the door and that way he got to keep an eye on the worst of the troublemakers (keep them in front of him, he told himself) while gaining access to said smoke and drink.

Though sometimes he wondered if it was worth it, having to listen to such inanity while he kept ‘watch’, supposedly for any staff showing up, as far as his fellow inmates were concerned.

“No, no, it’s supposed to work!” Gaby insisted, her voice the squeaky half-laugh which indicated she’d had a little too much of Tim’s pot. “I mixed a few things together, stuff I’ve seen and-“

“You’re just gonna make it rain again or something,” Cyn teased. “Or turn Ren into a frog!”

“It’ll be an improvement,” Emilio muttered, only to giggle (Gaby wasn’t the only one affected by the pot) when Ren shoved him a good foot over.

“Lemme concentrate,” Gaby complained as she sprinkled something on the roof (it looked as if she’d grabbed a couple of bottles of glitter from the art room), her brow furrowed and bleached blonde hair twisted into a bun to keep it falling onto the rough surface of the roof. “Uhm, we need some blood. Anyone have a – well, something sharp?”

McD didn’t allow them any weapons (no fun, this place), but they all learned to improvise. Bottle of bourbon held in his hand, Andrew pushed away from the wall near the door to watch Cyn hand Gaby what looked to be a piece of glass wrapped on one end so it could be held, which Gaby used to cut the tip of her left index finger – cut a little too deep, from the way she started swearing.

Meanwhile, Tim, always an asshole, took to laughing as he waved his hand around the glittery symbols. “Oooh, bowels of hell, hear our pleas and send us a servant to do our bidding!” He laughed some more, that time Emilio and Ren joining in as well.

“Not funny,” Cyn told them while Gaby complained about them ruining her spell.

“I don’t know, it worked a little.”

Andrew spun around to face the far end of the roof, where the strange voice had come from – sardonic and without a noticeable accent. There was something dark within the shadows, a human-like shape and two brilliant blue spheres that might be eyes around the same height as Andrew’s, perhaps a little higher. “But it’s not for rain and it’s definitely not for good luck.”

As the stranger spoke, Scott and Tim went charging toward him (it sounded like a ‘him’, like someone around their own age, though Andrew hadn’t heard that voice before), only to disappear into the shadows. There was the sound of something tearing followed by screams, screams which steadily became fainter and then there was the terrible noise of something meaty impacting the ground below.

Andrew threw the bottle off to the side as a distraction, but he only made two steps before there were more screams behind him; he turned to see that the glittery circle had become brilliant, multicolored flames and everyone around it – Gaby, Cyn, Ren and Emilio – were quickly consumed by it. Torn between shock and rage, he turned back to the shadow figure to find it standing in front of him, and gasped despite himself.

The figure was about his height but thinner, slighter, and was covered with scarred, burnt flesh, with remnants of charred clothes and singed dark hair. Between him being able to walk around in such a condition and those eyes, those balefire blue eyes, Andrew realized that it wasn’t human, wasn’t mortal. Yet he still struggled to get free, to lash out, to refuse to go down quietly, which only prompted an amused chuckle as he was grasped by the neck by a too-hot hand and lifted up into the air.

Long, narrow fingers choked off his air as the creature grinned, ruined lips pulling back to reveal sharp white teeth. “I know you. Oh yes I do, I know you. You were there that night, you sold us out.”

What was it talking about?

“I am going to enjoy this,” the creature continued as its fingers dug further into Andrew’s throat. “I am-“ It paused for a moment. “Huh.”

“Nah… nah….” Andrew choked out as he clawed at the arm holding him up, as he tried to kick at the body in front of him – seventeen years of twisted bastards and Drake and everything, only to go out like this? Not happening.

The creature let him go as if repulsed by him, yet didn’t back away. “’Nah’ what?” it asked in a curious tone, its head cocked to the side in an awful parody of a living person.

Coughing for about a minute while he looked around for a weapon (he just had to throw the bottle so far away, didn’t he?), Andrew shook his head. “Not… not him, whoever. Go the fuck away, freak.”

That prompted a laugh from the creature which sent a chill down Andrew’s back reminiscent of trickles of icy water. “You’re actually speaking the truth, aren’t you?” It leaned down, and gone were the thick lumpy scars from the burns, replaced by smooth skin tanned from sun exposure and dusted by freckles, the hair regrown and bright red. The creature was now a kid a little younger than Andrew with sharp, too attractive features and a wicked scythe of a smile and still those balefire eyes. “Nothing?”

“Only a desire to kill you,” Andrew confessed.

That smile grew even sharper. “Much too late, my snarly doppelganger. Let me tell you a little story – oh, we’ll skip along a good bit, no point in boring you, but the heart of it was that me and my mother were trying to avoid some very, very bad people.” The creature’s eyes flared even brighter for a moment and there was a crack of lightning in the sky as if for dramatic effect. “We met with a contact to get papers we needed to keep running, but apparently, he had a side business going on selling drugs and one of his regulars caught sight of us. A regular who had a son. A son who looks just like you.”

Andrew stared at the creature as those words sunk in, as he attempted to make sense of them. “This is all an insane delusion, something was in the alcohol.”

“Oh no, you’re not that lucky,” the creature told him. “Your little friend dotted a line she should have zagged and zigged a symbol she should have dotted, and she had some nice rich blood there, yes? Add on to it some idiot making an offer he shouldn’t, and here I am. I had wondered what allowed me to slip free, but now I know.” As it talked, Andrew heard voices down below, voices raised first in anger and then in alarm.

It reached out to flick him on the forehead to regain his attention, and for some reason, he couldn’t move to punch it. “Blood of my traitor, how nice. It looks like I finally get revenge.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Andrew gritted out as he fought to move, angered by the injustice of it all even though he should be used to Fate fucking him over by then.

“You’re the exact same blood as the son of the woman who sold out my mother, who led to me being condemned to hell,” the creature told him, eyes flaring so bright that Andrew had to close his eyes. “Their guilt is your guilt.”

Despite himself, a weak chuckle escaped Andrew; didn’t it figure that he found out that he had a brother (a twin, possibly, from what the damn creature insinuated), found out something about his mother, and it was when some fucking demon from hell arrived to kill him? “Just get it over with, you bastard.”

“I will.” The creature was quiet for a second, and then Andrew felt something slam into his chest, felt a sharp pain and then the world spun around him and-

He opened his eyes to find them standing in a park somewhere. He glanced around at the empty swing sets and then the creature standing next to him, now dressed in baggy jeans and an overlarge plain light blue sweatshirt. “This is hell?”

The creature snorted as he began to walk away, and for some damn reason Andrew was compelled to follow, to not let him get too far away. “You have very low standards.”

That wasn’t cryptic, was it? Andrew waited until they reached the street before speaking again, which annoyed the hell (irony much) out of him. “I’m alive?”

“So it seems?” The creature stopped to look at him. “Complaints? Not that I normally give a damn about requests, but I can always make an exception for you,” he said with a feral grin as he held up a suddenly clawed right hand.

Andrew gave him the finger in return. “Why?”

“Ah, a question that makes sense.” The creature nodded in what seemed to be approval. “Because it appears that you’re my anchor here now that I’m free, and I’ve many things to do - people to kill, a criminal empire or two to tear down.” It flapped its right hand about in the air a couple of times. “The usual.” It cocked its head to the side as it stared at Andrew. “Did you want to stay back there?”

Andrew considered all of that. “Not particularly. Are my mother and brother part of those ‘people to kill’?”

The creature’s smile didn’t waver. “Your mother, yes. That’s non-negotiable.”

That was taken into consideration with the knowledge that she’d betrayed whatever the creature had been before along with gave up Andrew and dragged his brother into a situation like the creature had described. “Because she betrayed you.”

The smile slipped away to be replaced by something utterly inhuman despite the fact that the creature still wore its ‘pretty’ face. “Because she betrayed my mother and me. She also cost Theo his life, all for a damn fix.”

All right. “What do I call you?” Somehow, Andrew didn’t think ‘creature’ would go down well with other people.

He felt some sort of satisfaction upon seeing the confusion and uncertainty at the question. “Uhm… Neil,” the demon (was it?) told him. “And you? Other than Minyard?”

Andrew nodded once as he tried not to be affected upon hearing what he assumed was his ‘real’ last name. “Andrew.” Oh yes, he was looking forward to finding the woman who’d given birth to him, too.

‘Neil’ nodded in return. “Okay, so if you’re not going to freak out on me,” he waited for Andrew’s response and smiled, the expression almost genuine at Andrew’s narrowed look, “then let’s get started.”

*******

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.... *whimpers*

Ok, back to Raven’s Partner.