#like i tried playing my little video games to decompress

[bronx-bomber87]

Happy Wednesday my lovely readers :) We’ve reached the episode that rocked me to my very core. Honestly haven’t been this attached to a ship in a very very long time. Years passed without this level of attachment. Bringing out sides of me I didn't think existed. Like doing reviews. But our ship is something special even when they rip our hearts out. I blame Eric and Melissa LOL They are INCREDIBLE in this episode. The both of them. Brought their A game and then some.

This ep legit affected my mood for 3 weeks no joke and utterly destroyed me. I needed extra days to decompress before did my mini. The fandom was so lovely about that too. Love this fandom so much. I still don't know how I got that out tbh lol Also God Bless my bestie D for going through that with me. I got to watch it early that day which normally didn’t get to. Was usually after work. I remember D wanted to stop me but didn’t cause she couldn’t tell me why..

I had to go to a company meeting after and pretend I wasn’t devastated. Be a positive fun leader when inside I was dying. I did a good job my team had no idea lol But damn that was tough. Never been happier for a 3 week break than after this one. We all needed it. Let us begin. And thank you all again for going through this heartbreak with me. Gif count was rough for me so I fit in everything I could and made a ton.

6x06 Secrets and Lies

We start out with Lucy looking as stressed and anxious as we’ve ever seen her. Laying in bed but most definitely is not resting. The brutal toll this situation has taken becoming visible. When Tamara asks how stressed she is from 1-10? Lucy answering 19….Ooof....Could not be more relatable if she tried. When I get this laser focused I too am a nineteen. Her person has been radio silent for days. Her last contact with him was a massive knock out drag out fight.

This is the most time they’ve spent apart since they got together. Like I stated last review other than 6x01 they've scarcely been away from one another. Her UC mission in 5x21 yes but doesn’t really count. They talked every single day. So it’s truly the longest they’ve been apart. No wonder she is at a 19. Poor Lucy. Kills me. Such a wreck without him. Tamara asks if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy tries to defend their situation. Not well but she sure tries lol

Lucy is barely keeping it together and it shows. I love that we get a shot of her pin-up board from that BTS video. The cupcake poster hehe Hopefully that makes a triumphant return in s7. Tamara doesn’t want to add to her stress... But let's her know she wants to move out. With friends from school. Worst timing ever. It makes sense but the timing is horrendous. Lucy takes so many hits this season. It’s almost worse the second time around somehow.

This time Lucy goes to an actual adult about Tim. Not useless Nolan who was painfully inept for her. Couldn’t fit it in but we see her touch her tattoo when she approaches Angela. *heart clutch* I love Melissa for doing it every time though. So subtle yet impactful. Nice little mini gut punch to start the scene. This was the right call though. If anyone knows Tim like her it’s Angela. Lucy asking if she should alert Grey? Honestly she should've but here we are. That would've been a whole other set of problems though...

Lucy feels like she’s going insane so Angela validating her helps. (at first) You know she finds this behavior of his incredibly alarming. We can see the immediate worry painted across her face. That’s her brother. She loves that man like he’s one. What sucks is that, even though Angela is empathetic, she doesn’t fulfill the needs that Lucy is going for. Which is reassurance and 'Hey let’s do this together.' A united front. Hoping since he is acting off Angela's reply would be 'Let's find out why as a team.' She is protecting her but Lucy is in a heightened emotional state and doesn't see that. Only see's being shut out further from Tim.

Angela plays her cards very close to her chest. Like a good detective would. Sadly Lucy wanted more solace than just ‘Trust him.’ That’s all she’s been doing for days. Poor woman is going out of her damn mind with worry. Even tells Angela as such. The reply she gets back not what she wanted… She wanted her detective gut and friendship. Unfortunately she just gets the former. That short lived validation she got earlier dying off quickly. Lucy is so damn upset when she takes off from the convo. Knowing if she sticks around she’s going to cry on shift. My damn heart. Melissa be killing me. Holy hell.

Angela scaring the crap out of Tim is hilarious. Serves him right tbh. This episode had me so upset and twisted, I couldn’t even enjoy scruffy Tim in a leather jacket. You know something is wrong when I can’t gawk over this man. Angela has zero trouble finding him. Because well it’s her. This is why Lucy enlisted her. She needed the best to help her. Such best friend behavior from the minute she enters his car.

Drinking his soda, calling him out, and asking WTF is going on? I adore her brazen bravery. This is why we love Angela Lopez. Willing to get herself fired for him. That she can take the hit not Lucy. I mean she’s not wrong….Angela could easily live off Wes. She would hate it but she could. It's a more viable option. Says it can be ‘Wine o’clock for her.’ LOL I always enjoy them. More of them in s7 please writers.

Tim doesn’t argue with her reasoning. Starts to explain the whole Ray debacle. Why he can’t just let him go. What he has on him. That he needs to catch him in a new crime. So he has reason to actually arrest him. Once Tim fully explains Angela just replies. ‘I’m in.’ Tim is shocked because of course he is ha Even though she is his best friend he can't believe has his back like this. Oh my broken boy. He double checks and asks if she’s sure? Her reply being the absolute best. ‘Yeah. I got your back boo.’ Hehe Lucky she’s your best friend my love.

We rejoin our bestie duo at the docks. Scoping out Ray on whatever back door deals he’s doing. She is studying Tim hard in this scene. It’s the best. Angela tries to impart some logic to Tim. Saying he’s followed Ray for two days and nothing. Asking how long he’s going to do this? Tim replying the most Tim Bradford reply. ‘As long as it takes.’ Angela is on her game today and doesn’t let him get away with it. Saying he’s just going to walk away from his job? From his relationship with Lucy? All to arrest a guy he hasn’t thought about in over a decade?

Something isn’t adding up for her and she is letting him know it. Angela gives her patented look. Knowing it’s something more. There’s a reason she’s such a good detective. Woman knows how to get to the root of things. Tim has only given her surface info at this point. Definitely not enough to justify this crusade he’s currently on. Let’s him know Lucy would understand why he lied on the report. She would even commend him for it really. We know she would. She love his soft heart so much. Tim agrees and says she would still get in trouble for knowing and not reporting him to IA.

A risk she would gladly take if you’d let her Timothy… It’s here Angela digs a little deeper. He gets a second stare. Tim finding it aggravating and telling her as such. Angela let's her next truth bomb drop. Saying he’s doing it to protect himself as much as her. That there’s something he’s not admitting. Mic drop. Nailed it and Tim knows it but won’t entertain it further. Has him dead to rights and he knows it. We then get the glorious BFF line. Like it or not she is. lmao Has your number just like your girl.

We return to Angela’s for Tim to break our hearts some more. Theme of this episode. One punch after another. Literally no time to breathe unless you check out during the other SL's. Which I did tbh.... They’re alone so she probes Tim further. Knowing that it has to be so much more than a report. He wouldn't let Ray get under his skin like this if it was that shallow. That he's bearing the weight of something on his soul. Tim gives in and begrudgingly explains what happened. That he had been squad leader most of his tour. That he was looking to move up to Sergeant First Class. Only caveat was he couldn’t have any rampant criminality in his unit.

Ray was in the way of this. Tim decided to keep it within the squad if they caught him themselves. He did an unsanctioned mission… Oh Timothy….He explains how Ray called in an air strike on them. Did this the minute he knew he was trapped. Schmuck would rather take them with him. Such a cowards move. The way Tim describes the air strike. Ugh my heart. His eyes filling up as he depicts how the world imploded around them. Eric is a master of emotion here. So expressive. Looks like he is right back there, with the most haunted look on his face. He thought he was going to die. Being so vulnerable I wanna hug him.

He and Mark were lucky though. The Humvee took the hit for them. But Henderson and Coyle were ripped apart….Ugh and now we see what he’s been bearing. That he led his men to their deaths. Their loyalty and faith in him had cost them their lives. All because Tim was in pursuit of a promotion. For personal glory. Explains why he wouldn't praise himself or take awards pre-Lucy. Or advance his career before her either. He didn’t feel he deserved anything good. Because the last time that was important to him, he got two of his men killed. Imma go cry now.... My poor broken boy. The PTSD is so real.

Eric continues to rip my heart out. Telling Angela there was so much blood. I can't imagine seeing that. They for sure thought Ray was KIA. No way he survived. It’s the way he catches his breath, tears in his eyes in this next part. I'm so upset for him. The way he points at himself when he says leadership. The failure and shame he feels for what he did. When we found out it would be his military background I was excited. I knew it would be dark though. Whatever this was. But my god. I wasn’t expecting it to be this. But makes perfect sense why he’s kept it from Lucy. He can’t bring himself to forgive what he did. How could he expect Lucy to? To still look at him like he’s the same man she fell in love with?

The deep rooted shame is evident in this scene. This is quite the weight to keep on your soul. One I’m sure he’s never told anyone. Not even Isabel about I bet. My guess is he buried it once he was state side. Like most do with trauma. Hoping it would never resurface. Sadly not how trauma goes... The way he tells the story it’s for the first time. You can tell. He’s right back there re-living it all. This scene gives us so much insight to Tim as a person. Why he is the way he is as a cop. As a person. It explains why he lost his damn mind in 2x01 over Lucy falsifying the report. Probably brought him right back there.

This is a very revealing scene. It makes sense why he shoulders things alone. It’s punishment for what he did. Doesn’t think anyone could love him enough to shoulder it with him. That breaks my damn heart. This ep makes me so emotional. *sad sigh* Nothing scarier than the person you love seeing you at your worst. With his background of abuse, it makes sense why he’s hidden this from Lucy. He doesn’t feel worthy of the comfort she would bring him. Only shame that he made a mistake. Tim is very self loathing and this is why. Coupled with his childhood it makes so much sense why he is the way he is…This one is emotionally heavy af. All his unchecked trauma barreling through like a bullet train in this ep.

Lucy arrives home and Tamara is there to take care of her. Saying she ordered pizza. I love this. She needed this. Lucy leaves the room to drop off her stuff. We hear a knock at the door and it’s Ray.... Earlier he scanned Tim’s vehicle and got Lucy’s address. Which made me sick to my stomach. I knew him grabbing it was going to end this way. Best way to get to Tim is through his heart. When Tamara opened the door and it was him..The hairs at the back of my neck stood up. Tamara calls out for Lucy. She emerges and goes into protect mode right away. Eyes on Tamara first but also hating her gun is locked up.

Heart was in my damn throat the entire time. Lucy handles herself like the bad ass we’ve all come to know and love. Commend her for keeping herself composed when she was terrified. I also adore her not putting up with any of his scare tactic BS. Her line about the only call she’s gonna make is for the ambulance. Like hot damn Lucy. Way to protect Tamara and yourself. It's true she could take his scrawny ass easily. I long to be the confident BAMF she is.

Doesn't hurt she’s still got the rage burning from being in the dark. So not only is her life being threatened now Tamara's is. This is Lucy's FINAL straw. It’s now bled over in the worst way. Not only that but she still has no idea what’s going on. We can see that mama bear come out loud and proud. It’s one thing for her to be involved it’s a whole other thing with Tamara dragged in. This is what pushes her to reach out To Tim. To cut his crap. Whatever this is has now endangered an innocent life. One she loves fiercely and will die to protect.

Lucy RAGE calls Tim and unleashes hell. As she should… Demanding to know where his ass is. Tim knowing he can’t hold her back any longer. So he lets her know. I mean Lucy is million percent done with this crap now. With his behavior, him cutting her out, all of it. So very very done. Rightfully so. I do love him answering ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ Knowing she wouldn’t be calling unless something was. He for sure would’ve dropped it all to go to her.

But she was way too pissed to see that fact. She shows up like a bat out of hell. Biting his head off immediately saying 'Does she look ok?' No….she does not. Forever love Angela escorting Tamara out of the room. Mom and dad about to have it out so let's go. The concern all over his face kills me though. This was the last thing he wanted to happen. The very thing he was striving for by shutting her out backfired horribly. Not only did he endanger her but Tamara too.

It was Lucy’s final straw and she is showing it. These were the types of fights that are needed though. As much as this hurts she is fighting him to save them. Because he is worth the bother and effort. Just like he stated in 5x08. Asking why her and Chris never fight?They’re fighting against each other to protect one another it kills me. Also you know your ship has chemistry when even their fights are lightning in a bottle goodness. Just as amazing as their happy stuff. I can't speak enough to their fantastic on-screen chemistry. Even though this fight is fiery and hurts to watch it's hurts so good to watch them hash it out.

Tim explains who Ray is and Lucy don’t give a single fuck. It’s not who he is that has her raging. It’s him cutting her out that is. I love the movements Melissa does in this scene. I know she had an interview about her being mad. Thinking she was awkward. It wasn't at all. Was so real. I think she nailed it. Her body language is on point. How she stamps her foot. Shouting how who Ray is doesn’t explain why he iced her out. At all. She is VIBRATING with anger. Yelling at Tim to stop protecting her. Which he won't. That is like asking him to stop breathing tbh. He would rather die than not protect her. Ugh his reply of ‘ I can’t. I won’t.’ They’re at odds with the deepest part of their souls. Of who they are.

Tim will never stop protecting her. Just as she will never stop trying to help him. Been in her DNA from the jump. For him to not let her is just as painful as Tim not protecting her. *sigh* This is where their intense need to protect each other backfires so badly. Sounds romantic and sometimes it is. But in these type of moments, it shows the cracks in their already fractured communication. It real though. Communicating is HARD. Especially when you both come from abusive homes where that wasn't taught. If you aren't taught healthy communication you're just not going to do it. Simple as that. It's like a muscle that never gets used. Then when it does it feels so unnatural and painful.

These two are going to be the death of me. Hell they already have been. They have so much to work on in s7. It’s insane. I'm excited for it though. Lucy then brings up how Lopez was read in but not her. She is HIS PERSON. If anyone should be read in it’s her. Consequences be damned. Yeah Angela does have less to lose but that is NOT the point. Tim is clearly not getting that fact. I adore Lucy grabbing his hands during the end of the scene. Mirroring back she 'Can’t and won’t' not help him. Telling him she is over being to good girlfriend. He’s going to let her in NOW. Oooh lord. You Tell 'em Luce.

Their OP to foil Ray goes off without a hitch. Tim tells him it’s over. That there isn’t an air stroke to save him this time. Ray tells Tim ‘I am the air strike. I’m about to blow up your whole life.’ *grumble* It’s so true on many many levels. Watching Tim be so stoic in his IA investigation kills me. Wish could've fit this in. Eric be out here again making me emotional af two eps in a row. You can see the tears in his eyes but the rest of him is controlled. That military background of his coming in clutch.

it pains me to watch him lie and have it destroy him. I remember I saw people saying how could he lie? That’s not like him. Um no. This is very like Tim. Not to lie but to protect those he loves. If lying protects Lucy and Lopez that’s what he’s going to do. He has a history of being a little gray for those he loves. Isabel is a good example of that. All that went down with Detective Murphy was similar to this. ‘Some things matter more.’ Once again rings true with him. Tim is believed over Ray. Because even if Tim doesn’t want to believe this he is the better man.

Better reputation and Percy closes the investigation. Have missed him. But whoever he’s around it’s not good. Love the actor though. What happens after is rough to say the least. Never seen Grey as disappointed in Tim as he is here. Reprimanding him and having to report him to Pine SUCKS. R.I.P. Metro Tim. I loved you so…It’s killing Tim to have Grey look at him this way. Deeply respects him and to be scolded by him cuts him. Just dismisses Tim without further comment or fight….

God almighty the song playing in the background. I don’t even remember it. I only watched this scene once. I think I blacked out a lot in this moment. The immense shock rocked my system. Suffice to say it’s beautiful. The piano, the haunting oohs and lyrics are the perfect backdrop to this devastating scene. I felt this building anxiety watching this scene. Waiting for the hammer to drop. When she pulled him into her arms *phew* It was first breath I had taken in nearly two episodes. These eps had me on the razor's edge of sanity. I love her waiting outside for him and instantly pulling him into her arms. Just like Tim did for her in 5x22. I'm fine.....Imma cry as I write this. Horse heaven playing in my ears right now. Adding to my emotional state. These two getting me all weepy.

I’ll be honest I thought if a break up was coming, it was coming from Lucy the first time. Which is why this devastated me like it did. Having the full season in hand now. Makes total sense it’s Tim. At the time I thought would be her. But that wouldn’t be like Lucy at all. After everything he put her through. The secrets, the lies and shutting her out. She had every damn right. But she loves this man unconditionally. So unconditionally. Everything Lucy does in this scene is a reflection of that unconditional love. There to pick up his broken pieces despite all of that went down. Look at her in those gifs above.

Especially that second one. First time she took a breath too. So grateful to be here for him in this moment. I truly thought ‘Oh. Maybe we’re ok... She’s hugging him.’ Encasing him in her arms. Trying to absorb all of his hurt. Supporting him the way he sought out days previous. Gently cradling him against her. It's the tender way she nestled her fingers at the back of his head that gets me. Tapping into some ship crack for me there. *phew* Honestly thought with her being there for him they would make it out unscathed. I truly did. The chemistry from this hug is unreal btw. Tim doesn’t feel worthy in the least. The way he slumps against her. Doesn’t really hug her back like normal. Can't see Lucy is so willing to absorb his hurt and pain. To love him through this. This hug is beautifully tragic.

Lucy releases him and he looks as broken as I’ve ever seen him. 4x09 x 1000 tbh. He shirks away from her. Hands in his pocket. So disgusted and ashamed with himself. Something l've learned in Pilates is posture and the importance of it. When you stand tall and at full height. You are confident and sure of yourself. When you are slumped it presents a lack of confidence, shame, and feeling unworthy. His posture is screaming that. Like he feels he shouldn’t even be in her presence right now. He crushes me with how he says he lied about everything.

Then sarcastically almost sardonically follows it up with ‘But hey it saved my job….’ The amount of disdain in his voice is gut wrenching. The whole reason he was in this Ray mess was to further himself. To keep his career intact. He saw a promotion and went for it at all costs. What he just did lying to IA was to be that same man again. (In his mind) To put his career first over what’s right. Risked people's lives again as well. People he loves. Sickens him ten years later he’s doing the same thing all over again. Even though it's so different this time. There is still nobility in it with saving Lucy and Lopez. But this man can't see that right now. Doesn't see any good in this situation or himself.

Lucy does her best to sympathize. Telling him it was an impossible situation. If it had been her she would’ve done the same thing. Thing is if it had been for Tim yes she would’ve without question. But he can’t see the forest for the trees atm. He is drowning absolutely drowning in his self-loathing. Tim continues on with the painful self flogging. Telling her she would’ve never been in his position. Putting her on a pedestal while he makes himself very very small. That OTP line from 6x03 from him 'You could never disappoint me.' That is true. The problem is he doesn't realize he could never disappoint her either. Tragically Tim doesn't view it that way. Only sees he's not worthy.

Lucy once again tries to pick up his pieces. Telling him he thought he could handle it. He was wrong but made it right. It’s like she can sense him pulling away in this moment. Doing her best to calm his fears about himself. Trying to do what she’s always done in years past best. Build him up. Soothe him. Sadly she isn’t gaining an inch of ground with him. He is stuck in how he feels and there is no budging him. Tim is morose saying he wishes it was that easy….We can see the incredible amount hurt on his face. Telling her he just lied to two men he deeply respects. He is coming undone rapidly and Lucy can see it. I adore her putting her hands on him. Trying to right his ship.

Ground him to her in this moment. Because once again it's something she’s done so well in the past. Tim is spiraling so hard he can’t see her gesture for what it is. Tells her he just betrayed everything he thought was right about himself. *heart clutch* Lucy can’t stand him talking down about himself. Tries to interrupt but Tim won’t allow it. Lucy graciously nods and lets him get it out. Especially when he tells her how hard this is for him. She is so wonderfully understanding it makes my heart ache. Tim feels like he is a bad guy. Thought he had gotten past this and was sucked back in so easily. Truly believed he had become a better person since then. (He has) Ray was right he was gonna blow up his entire life.

He just exposed Tim for the fraud he already felt he was. Bringing his greatest sin to light. Bringing up feelings of not being deserving. Of inadequacy. His abuse background pulling into the station and not leaving. Tim is back to a place of massive self loathing. Saying he has been lying to himself for years. Thinking he’s gotten better when he hasn’t. To him he reverted back to the man he thought he left behind. Not only that he put his person. The woman he loves at risk to cover up his past. To cover up his shame. It’s hitting him like a freight train of terrible realization. Continuing on to say he can’t go back to the way it was. I was hopeful when he said ‘Right now.’ Then followed it up with maybe never….

Lucy had been nodding along. Being so wonderfully empathetic and understanding. She was with him till he said that. Then she is hit with her own terrible realization. He’s leaving her. She is losing him. In the same parking lot where he told her to take a risk. Where she expressed her concern over losing him if they did. Worried about losing the most important relationship in her life due that risk. The same spot where he told her 'Unless it is.' A giant stab to our collective shipper hearts.

It's why Lucy is in a state of utter shock. As we all were tbh. She shakily asks him if he’s breaking up with her? When he said I’m sorry. I remember having to pause. Freak out and cry. I recall chanting ‘No no no….’ To myself repeatedly. My dog was very alarmed. Because I was distraught af. I couldn't believe this was really happening. My happy place was being decimated before my eyes.

Look at the range of emotions on Tim's face before he delivers that line though. Eric you why you doing this to me? They blow this scene out the damn water. it's so visceral. and raw. He looks like he's about to have a breakdown before he delivers that line. Battling with himself about it. There's a desperate need to want to stay with her. But his self doubt and hatred wins out knowing he isn't deserving. Do I think he came out thinking he was going to do this? A little. I think the more he spoke about it and himself the decision was made. He wasn't going to be be talked off this ledge.

The way Lucy replies after this rips my heart out. This break up feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. Months later and this hurts just as much as the first time. Lucy doesn't hold back in the least. Telling Tim he doesn't get to do that. Her line about using it as an excuse is so spot on. This Ray situation has hit VERY close to home for Tim. An insanely sensitive subject for him. It's rubbed against a wound that never really healed properly. Just was buried in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t have the capacity or emotional maturity to handle it. So he ejects out as a coping mechanism. Lucy calls his ass right away for it. It’s so painful to her that he is doing this excuse. Because it feels like a crappy cheat to them. To her. It's truly a cop out and our girl deserves better than this. Especially after all they’ve been through together. All that rapport and trust they’ve built over the years. It’s an insult to who they are as a couple and the relationship they’ve developed. Sadly that all vanishes in this moment. It’s stunning Lucy and straight murdering my feels.

Her ‘That's not okay.’ is a dagger to my shipper heart. The way she continues to repeat herself cause she's in shock. Ugh.This goes down as one of the most painful breakups I've had to go through. Lucy is so upset he is going this route. Melissa had a great interview (quite a few actually.) About the lie line and using it as an excuse for Tim. She noted Lucy is upset cause how he’s acting isn’t them. That they get to have these conversations. Not only have them but recover and grow from them. It’s what she expecting from him in this moment. It's what she expected from his 5x08 Mantra going into this relationship.

She is telling him I’ve got your back. I’ve got you. What are you doing? What happened to ‘Unless it is?’ Lucy continues to vehemently disagree with him. As she should. The worst part is Tim says ‘I know.’ Like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Knows to eject after everything isn’t ok. Yet he can’t stop himself. He is not emotionally mature enough to handle this conversation properly. Also too blinded by his own self-hatred to see the unconditional love she is showing for him in this moment. God this is painful.

Tim then comes in with the breakup line of ‘You’re an incredible person.' Lucy can’t believe this shit . She really can’t. That Tim is is doing this to her. To them. Even though Tim is being genuine with his statement. You can hear it in his voice. Doesn't do anything to soothe the wounds he's causing. Once again Melissa crushing it with the upset body language. The mannerisms are so on point. Maybe it's because I'm Italian and I use my hands when I'm upset. I do exactly what she's doing. Why I appreciate it so much. It's so real.

It's a cop out what he is doing. 'It’s not you it’s me' schtick. We see the anger building in Lucy. She can't even look at him in the second gif. For him to toss away what they have is painful enough. To do it based off a cliched excuse is destroying Lucy. Thinking what they had was worth so much more than this. Thought they worth the nasty fights. No way she knows fully what happened or she would figure out why he's really doing this. That’s what makes the rest of Lucy's replies so god damn tragic. She is trying to hold onto him for dear life. But is only being pushed away in return...

Tim continues to push forward with this breakup. Letting her know she deserves better than him. It's SO much deeper than that but it's the only way he can convey it right now. Her ‘Oh my god…’ This is her worst nightmare. Her biggest fear come to life. This is why she hesitated starting this relationship. Why she was so afraid of risking her most important relationship. It's unfolding before her eyes and she can’t stop it.

Like a bad dream she can't seem to wake up from. We all wish we could...Tim has never felt worthy of Lucy’s love, light or praise. This reaction just proves that. It's been building for a long time and this is the final result of it. It’s not logical but a trauma brain rarely is. The amount of emotional and physical abuses he endured growing up left it's mark. Has him truly convinced Lucy could never love him knowing what he did. Tim feels he does not deserve her comfort, support or love.

Punishing himself and denying what he need most because he feels unworthy. Thinks he has made a mistake so grave there is no coming back for him. No way she could love him if she knew. So he like Angela stated earlier Tim is protecting himself. Pains me to watch. Now as I've said before it's not to excuse but to explain his side of it. I understand why he's doing it even if it's fucked up.

He doesn't give Lucy much more than she deserves better. Tells her it's why he's walking away. This man feels so undeserving of the love she has to give. In his mind he thinks he’s doing her a kindness. To separate herself from such a shameful and broken man. That she could do better than him. To Tim he made the biggest sin and can’t live with himself about it. He can't envision a world where Lucy would love him through it. The tragedy is she already was in this scene.

Lucy isn’t hearing any of it. Full on panic spiral that I shared in this moment. Her ‘Don’t do this. Why are you doing this?’ Is the most soul crushing part. She can feel him slipping through her hands. Like sand rushing through her fingertips. She can’t hold onto a grain of him. Can only stand there as he gives up on them. His face in the third gif...Knife to my soul. *screams into a pillow* It's killing him to walk away from her. Eric and his expressive eyes has me bawling. The quiver in his bottom lip as well. Gah it hurts to watch them both in so much pain. It’s the way she pulls away with one hand, but is clutching his other hand for dear life, that really gets me in that last gif.

Asking him once again why are you doing this? I shared that sentiment in this moment.. Tim stands firm in his decision to end them and rip all of our hearts out. Eric had a great quote about how Tim handed this whole thing. ‘He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through. And it can come out as a bit too strong.’ He feels he is a burden Lucy therefore he is removing himself. Not thinking about the damage it’s going to do to her. The immense regret he’s going to feel when he regulates a bit more.

Something therapy has taught me is we are ruled by our nervous system. Anxiety, stress, fear etc Tim’s was haywire in this moment. All of them going off at once. Not thinking clearly. Acting out of fight or flight. He took the flight option unfortunately. The tragic way he grabs her head and gives her the saddest head kiss. Shattering all of our hearts in the process. It’s the devastated look on his face when he strokes her hair and takes off. One final gut punch from him. It's like he’s leaving behind his greatest treasure and can’t bear to be around it any longer. Lucy is clutching to him until he departs. *snifffle*

The man actually thinks she is better off without him. Truly believes that. Even if Lucy had succeeded it keeping Tim, this would've reared it’s ugly head again down the road. This breakup ruined my friggin life. I kid you not. They were my happy place. My consistent happy place. And now that was gone. It affected my mental health a little too not gonna lie. I think I was in mourning for three weeks. Honestly I still am. Low key will be till they're fixed. Those three weeks were unbearable. But also needed. Thank you again to my bestie D for being my mourning partner through out that. Kept me sane.

That being said I think this will push them in the best direction. A healthier and stronger one. I truly believe that. I recently broke up with a friend who I had been friends with for ten years. It was very hard on me but time. Boundaries were being pushed and it wasn't healthy anymore. My therapist pointed me to a wonderful book called ‘Goodbyes and good boundaries. ’ While It helped heal my heart it also has really good pieces in it. Stuff made me think of this very ep tbh. Sure that wasn't her goal LOL But my brain is always in a Chenford state of mind in some way or another.

First one that made me think of them. ‘Health cannot bond to unhealth.’ As much as it wasn’t fair for Lucy. And god it wasn’t after everything else this season. Tim was in such a radioactive state staying with her wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was radiating turmoil. Lucy can do a lot for him but not this. He NEEDED therapy so much. There are things you learn in there that only your therapist can help you with. He was unhealth and Lucy was trying to keep her empathetic healthy self to him. It was never going to work. Not unless Tim put in some work. Which he couldn't at this point in time.

“Relationship often die not because of conversations never had but rather conversations needed but never had.” Another good one made me think of them. Tim was not ready in the least for the adult conversation required of him in this moment. Or their entire relationship really. They both danced around the issues a lot. 6x02 closest we got. Even then it was one sided. Thus them dying in this moment. Despite Lucy’s damndest to keep them afloat. Remind him of what they’re fighting for. Of why they started this. This breakup was painful af. Despite how this wrecked my world it’s going to be good for them in the long run.

I will say Lucy in that last gif was all of us in that moment. It was a soul crushing moment that decimated this fandom. Still blows my mind Melissa and Eric were surprised just how insanely devastated we were. Why they did those lovely posts during the three weeks. To thank us and to hold on. Growth is coming. They’re going to be even better after this. Doesn’t mean this didn’t hurt like a SOB and won’t long after they reunite. Curse you Eric and Melissa. You are incredible to evoke such emotions out of us all.

Thank you for going through this with me again. It wasn’t easy but they always worth it. Appreciate any and all comments, likes or reblogs I get. I shall see you all in 6x07 :)

Side notes non chenford

Balian doing the creepy bed thing again. Just have to note that.

Also can’t believe they didn’t end the ep with their breakup. There is a whole minute or so of I don’t give a shit after that scene. I was so distraught they could’ve had Nolan walk into a wall and I wouldn't have noticed.

[berkmansimagines]

Maroon

A/N: I wanted to post a little fluff ahead of this week's finale. Cheers! 🍷🍷

Summary: Barry sees a mark on your collarbone after you get home from a job.

Pairing: Barry Berkman x hitman!wife reader

You have just returned home after a bad day. The hit you were on was a total shit show. Nothing went as planned. You’re exhausted and upset. All you want to do is decompress with a glass of wine and a cigarette.

Walking through the door, the first thing you see is Barry playing video games on the couch. He looks up when he hears you walk in.

“Hey,” he nods to you.

“Hey,” you greet your husband unenthusiastically.

You completely avoid eye contact with him as you make a beeline towards the kitchen. Barry scrunches his forehead. He knows something’s up. He pauses his game, gets off the couch and follows you to the kitchen. 

Barry leans against the doorway, keeping his distance as he watches you pour a large glass of red wine.

“What’s wrong?” Barry asks quietly.

“Nothing. I’m just…tired,” you sigh

When you’re done pouring out your wine, you turn around to face Barry. He immediately notices a large maroon bruise forming on your collarbone. His eyes widen.

“What happened to you?!”

“My client tried to double cross me,” you shrug in disbelief.

“What?” Barry’s jaw drops. 

You take a deep breath and sip your wine.

“Yeah. Some trust fund douchebag hired me to take out his grandfather because he wanted the rest of his inheritance. But when I got there to do the job, the target was already dead. My client killed him. That asshole tried using me to take the fall. He was going to pin the whole thing on me and cover up his involvement. I think he wanted to kill me to make himself look like a hero trying to save his grandpa,” you explain.

“What did he do?” your husband asks in a low, serious voice.

“He attacked me. It was actually kinda crazy. He jumped on top of me and stabbed me but the knife he used was a fake! The guy accidentally grabbed a prop knife when he lunged at me. Apparently his grandpa was a big film buff and collected props from a bunch of old movies. Only in Hollywood, right? As soon as he realized his mistake, I got the upper hand. I killed that asshole and made it look like a suicide…”

You anxiously run your fingers through your hair. You’re clearly still on edge from what happened. Barry looks at you with concern. He slowly approaches you.

“Y/N…” 

You can tell that he’s worried. You shake your head attempting to brush it off.

“Babe, I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine. I’m fine… I’m fine,” you try reassuring Barry and yourself.

Your husband sighs, unconvinced.

“Y/N…” he repeats.

You shrug and take another large sip of your wine.

“Ok fine! Do you want me to tell you that I’m mad? Of course I’m fucking pissed! I hate when assholes try to doublecross me” you admit, then continue venting, “And the worst part is I’m not gonna get paid for this job. I went through all that shit for nothing!”

Barry gently takes your hand. You understand that he’s trying to help but talking about it out loud now has only made you more frustrated. You just need some time to yourself.

“I’m going out for a cigarette.”

You try walking around Barry, but he doesn’t let go of your hand. 

“Y/N, wait..” Barry tries.

He pulls you back toward him as you try to go to the balcony. The sudden pull almost trips you up. Your hand that is holding the wine glass gets shaky. And then- 

SPLAT

Red wine spills all over your shirt.

“Dammit!” you groan.

Barry immediately lets go of your hand and steps back. Shit! He just wanted to talk and make sure you were okay. He didn’t mean for that to happen.

“Fuck! I’m sorry-”

You sigh defeatedly. You know that it was an accident. You don’t blame him. It was just another bad thing to add to this terrible day.

“It’s not your fault,” you tell him as you put the now empty wine glass on the counter, “I need to get out of these clothes and take a shower…”

You get around Barry, leave the kitchen and make your way to the bathroom. 

You lose track of how long you were in the shower, but it was just what you needed. Washing the bad day off helped you feel a little better. Now you finally feel clean.

After you’re done showering, you put on your robe and go out to the kitchen to pour yourself another glass of wine. When you step out into the living room, your husband is nowhere to be found. You look around confused.

“Barry?” you call out his name.

No answer. You’re about to grab your phone to text Barry when he suddenly walks in. He has a bouquet of maroon flowers in his hand. Your face lights up as he approaches you.

“What’s this?” you ask shyly.

“I just wanted to cheer you up and I know how much you love roses so-”

Barry gives you the bouquet. You smile to yourself. The flowers are actually carnations, he had thought they were roses. But you don’t care. It’s the thought that counts. You’re so touched by Barry’s gesture, you decide not to correct him.

“Thanks babe. I love them!”

[sunnystudiesmaybe]

07/20/24: Studying, Time, and Eating Habits

CW// I mention a past of poor body confidence and poor eating habits.

This morning, like 20 minutes ago, my dad and I talked about losing weight and eating healthy. As an AFAB person, I did not grow up with a healthy perception of my body. 1000%. However, growing up and dealing with fatigue, I've tried my hardest to eat to survive.

Eating, to me, was just a way to avoid brain fog for longer. I rarely got to purchase my own food or groceries, as it was always my mom who did that. As I realized how picky I was, I saw how few foods made me not disassociate while eating them. From this, I developed a bad habit of of just buying two small "healthy" protein cookies I actually liked on a daily basis. I did this to not shut down in the middle of stats, which was my favorite class in my first semester.

Now, as I start to deal with my fatigue head-on, bit-by-bit, I realize how much time I can reclaim. I spend most of my days sleeping, seriously. I generally sleep anywhere between 5 to 18 hours, but usually between 9 to 12. While my diet is obviously a big part of it, so is my autism! I get really overstimulated a lot and generally use a lot of my brain trying to decode things on a normal basis or not cry when I'm getting overstimulated. This means that after a day out with a lot of walking to get around and talking with others to study, I need to decompress. I get so exhausted just trying to be an adult. I lose so much time to my exhaustion.

I want to eat healthier foods I can actually enjoy to reclaim hours of my day at a time. Hopefully, that would lead to more chances to study or do something else productive. I find that I have a easier time doing things when I do them in a random burst. E.g. cleaning my bathroom for 10 minutes, studying for 1 hour, playing video games for 30 minutes, cleaning my room for 20 minutes, having a meal for 20 minutes, studying for 2 hours, then napping! More little tasks between the big ones tends to mean I can do the bigger tasks for longer without being mentally exhausted or in pain. The exhaustion is the kind in which I genuinely won't be able to spend too much of my remaining energy thinking, so I'd nap or lay in bed.

My dad mentioned that we would be eating healthier if we were to buy food together! I would be able to make more of my own choices with him to help me decide on healthier alternatives to food I already eat. I personally want a mini/compact fridge too to store food by my desk in my room. I tend to have really bad depression days too, so having a place to grab food that makes me happy while also being healthy might help!

[thecheesywritingcabin]

Regular Routine

So, the last two months have been moving at a rapid pace. The third draft feels like it's about halfway done, but it's still too early to start talking about beta-reading and whatnot.

Since I'm working at the moment, I thought it might be nice to talk about my writing/editing routine. It might be nice in terms of catharsis, as well as gives me a little break from my edit today.

So, let me break down how I survive working on this and my job as a pathology collector. Spoiler alert: this is a very, very long way of saying "take some breaks".

What Is Your Current Writing Routine?

Unless I have time off, I only edit on Sundays. Sometimes I'll get spicy and do some the Saturday evening, but more often than not I'm dicking around playing video games and decompressing from work.

Now, sometimes I'll plan some extra writing time in around work, but that can be a little bit of a nightmare.

How Long Do I Work For?

I don't talk about myself much online, so let me give you some context. I'm in pathology, and my roster is a mess. In fact, Wednesday and Thursday I don't know where I am until 6am that morning, or the previous afternoon if my boss has had time to plan. Monday and Tuesday meanwhile I work two shifts that are both three hours long - this used to be eight hours accumulative, but the evening shift had its hours cut. Friday I work five hours and on alternate Saturdays I work three and a half hours.

So, this sounds manageable, right?

Here's where it gets weird. First of all, the mornings of Monday, Tuesday or Friday I can get redeployed elsewhere, working either longer or farther away. One time, I worked from 8-2pm, then 3-6pm about 30 minutes away from the first location. Early in my career, my boss was so short staffed I wound up working close to 12 hours. Never again.

Wednesday and Thursday meanwhile I've more or less been locked into a 9.5 hour shift because few other staff know how to work that particular room.

In summary, most weeks I work about 36 hours, not including the weekend or redeployment. That translates to 75.5 hours per fortnight, just 30 minutes shy of full time hours here in Australia.

How Do I Manage These Hours and Writing?

For those of you who haven't worked in my industry, there can sometimes be gaps as wide as 2 hours between clients. During this time, it's best to do the store orders, stock counts and any miscellaneous tasks since there are a lot of those.

However, doing all these tasks take up about 15-20 minutes of your day. In fact, it's pretty easy to complete them all in the first hour if no clients show up.

In my company at least, you can be sent to rooms where there is nobody but you on site, and your clients are in the single digits.

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

Once the daily chores are done and there's no clients, I will whip out my journal and set a timer for 10-15 minutes, taking advantage of the excess float time. If I'm doing a big chapter, I might even do a draft on my lunchbreak if it's long enough.

In fact, a good chunk of Draft 1 was written like this.

This Sounds Exhausting

Well, that's because it is. There's no nice way to say it, but there's a reason there were 5-6 years where I posted nothing on Tumblr. Writing on the job takes away time that I might have otherwise used to rest in between clients.

It's all about finding balance. I do it on days I have the energy, but if I had a busy day or things have been going badly I won't touch my pen.

I'm sure most of you have heard a variation of this advice: find the gaps in your day, maybe get up earlier or stay up later if you need to, so you can allocate that time to write. That's basically what I do, but sometimes you need to take a break.

The problem for me while writing Draft 1 of Case of the Crawling Shadow, at least for a while, I would try to cram writing into every spare gap I had. This is a side effect of doing Camp Nanowrimo in 2022, but even going into Draft 2 I tried to keep up that momentum.

I wore myself down until I feel like a nub of a person. I was trying to do 3 chapters worth of editing a week, and suffered for it.

What's Happening Now?

At this point, my goal is to finish the Case of the Crawling Shadow's third draft so we can start sending it to beta readers. It's about 50% done, but going slowly. My body is still a bit grimy from the whirlwind drafting process, and I've been working resting into my editing time.

With any luck, we'll finally be able to start getting the ball rolling this year. I'm pretty excited for it. For now, I am alternating editing this chapter and building a McMansion in Sons of the Forest.

[begitalarcos]

Hey guys

Sorry I’ve been a bit quiet lately, had a pretty rough weekend and am still processing everything.

I’ll give you a little backstory, as you guys may know I’ve been working on our basement with my husband, we were desperately trying to get our entertainment room functional for Saturday because we were having a small party for my husbands birthday.

We got the room finished, with quite a few things we are going to have to fix in it (mostly mudding and sanding) but it’s functional.

The party started about 4PM and it went pretty good, it was nice to see everyone and catch up with people, one of our friends is expecting and another brought her 1 year old. We talked about my in laws finally getting married and I got to see my brother and his girlfriend, everything was going good.

By about 10 there were only three of our friends here who continued drinking and were going to spend the night or take time to sober up.

Here’s where things got out of hand

I’ll use fake names for them. So it was me, my husband, Ace, Seth and Zed. My husband was getting tired, we had played a few switch games and stuff and he figured he’d go to bed. Ace said he was probably gonna head home soon, my husband said only if he was taking a cab cause he was still obviously way too drunk to drive. Ace disagreed, my husband reminded him that his dad had drinking problems and he knew this, so he should either sober up or take a cab.

You could see right away that Ace was not happy to be compared to his dad but he didn’t say much of anything, I said I’d stay up to make sure everyone sobered up or made the right choices and my husband went to bed.

The four of us watched random YouTube videos on our projector screen for a bit but Ace was steadily becoming more and more irritated. Seth and I tried to defuse anything and changed the subject a lot but Ace kept trying to make points about things that didn’t even make sense. I kept bringing him water but he kept going back for more alcohol even though he said he was gonna sober up.

Eventually he decided he was going home, Seth and I protested but Ace went upstairs, my husband stopped him as he was putting his shoes on and again reminded him why it was a bad idea to leave drunk and that he shouldn’t drive. Things started to get heated with Ace arguing with my husband, Seth and Zed so I took it upon myself to pull Ace outside to the back deck in the hopes that the less testosterone the better.

He started crying and repeating things like “They all think they’re better than me, how dare they, I just came here to have a good time, they’re not my friends.” All while I was trying to calm him down, and he was swaying, I had to keep my hands on him so he wouldn’t fall off the deck, at one point he stepped back and almost did fall off the deck so I pulled him forward and… he cracked me hard across the face.

Now anyone who knows my history knows that I’ve been on the receiving end of drunken violence before, but it’s been a long fucking time since something like that has happened. I just kind of stood there shocked, of course started crying and Ace just fell apart in my arms sobbing.

My initial thought was I had just scared him by pulling him forward quickly and he just reacted. I dunno what the truth is though, a few minutes later my husband came out and tried again to calm Ace down but it didn’t work and eventually I had to let him go, he stumbled off the deck and declared he was going to walk home.

I went inside to see where Seth and Zed went and my husband went to the front deck to make sure Ace was in fact walking home. But he only got as far as the curb before he made a B line for his truck. My husband, Seth and Zed ran to try and stop Ace from leaving but he was already in his truck, he pulled out fast almost running my husband over and dragged Seth for a couple feet, who had grabbed onto the passenger door. He then drove over the median in our close and sped away.

Sigh 😞

We called the police but they were unable to find him and when I revealed that he’d actually hit me everyone lost their shit and I had a panic attack. So… yea

Sunday my husband and I basically just laid around trying to recover from the night before, Zed was sober and left at about 6AM and Seth had some kind of pop up tent he pitched in our backyard and stayed there till nearly 5PM the next day.

We haven’t heard from Ace at all, and I dunno if or when we will. But our friendship with him is pretty much over now. My husband had been helping him out a lot, he had a messy divorce, we helped him stop drinking once already and talked him down from a suicide attempt. We care about him a lot, I’m just not sure that’s enough. I think no matter what he had decided he was going home, drunk or not, and nothing we said or did was gonna change that.

I’m sorry this was really long winded. I could’ve paraphrased and made it short but I actually feel a little better now getting it all out.

I’m alright, still in a bit of a weird headspace but otherwise okay, my husband is about the same.

Just gotta take some time to decompress now I think…

Hope you guys are all doing well

Much love

- B

[gustafsnightangel]

Shattered Lives Ch 36 Pt 1

The days between moving in with Gustaf and New Year’s Eve were filled with never ending chores, because despite Gustaf wanting her to relax and take it easy, Sildie wanted her apartment done. Boxing up the remaining things she put them in storage, still not at ease with getting rid of anything just yet. The hard reality of what if they split still plagued her mind, once bitten twice shy. She had to keep it real, had to think of the long term back up plan in case it all went to hell in a hand basket, especially with four children in the mix. Even more of a chore was deciding on whether to keep the furniture or sell it, what to do with the apartment, did she leave it all as it was or rent it out, sell it, renovate it? Then there was the unpacking of all her stuff in Gustaf’s apartment, their apartment, cleaning, trash pick up, the list never ended. She’d come to the realization moving just sucked.

“Ok stop.” He said one night as they sat for tea and pulled her into his lap. “You haven’t stopped all day. Let it be.” He grabbed and kissed her fingers as she went to tidy up the stack of papers on the table and secured her body to his by wrapping those outrageously long limbs around her and kissing her neck.

“Sorry, I just wanted to get it all done so we can enjoy the New Year’s Eve party.” She huffed.

“You keep running around like this you won’t make it to the party because you’ll be exhausted and asleep by seven.” He kissed her neck and bit down gently. “Let it be.” He growled as she struggled against him to free her arms so she could just tidy up those papers and be done. “We can deal with the rest after January second.” He would stipulate a time as well if required.

“Fine.” She sighed and gave up, relaxing into him. “I just wanted it clean.” She mumbled taking a sip of her tea when he finally let her go, pushing those papers further away from her, she wasn’t going to budge him on it. He was right of course, she’d been hell bent on getting everything squared away before the end of the year. “I just want to start fresh next year.”

“I get it love, I do, but I also want to see you relax.” He kissed that one spot below her ear that made her weak for him.

“That’s not playing fair.” She sighed, that clever mouth bringing her undone.

“Didn’t say anything about playing fair.” He chuckled. “Ready for the party?”

“I guess, just nervous. It’s your family and we’re leaving the kids there overnight.” She was terrified, first night away with grandpa and she had all sorts of horror stories running through her head.

“The kids will just be upstairs with dad, they’re close and with someone I trust emplicitly.” Stellan and Megan had jumped at the chance to have the kids stay over. “I think Valter is staying as well so Brendan will have someone older to hang with and Oona is staying over to hang out with Lily.” He sipped his tea and squeezed her to him.

“I know I just worry.” She mumbled, feeling a little stupid.

“It’s your job, but don’t, they’ll be fine. It’s not like they have far to come if they need us.” It was handy that his dad lived in the same building a few floors up.

“What time’s the party?”

“Starts at six and goes all night, we can disappear whenever.” He kissed her neck and sucked on her pulse. “You and I are going to have an adult New Years.” He growled, her sinful giggle made his cock twitch, he had a plan, an erotic one.

“Are we now?” She leaned back into him and snaked a hand up the back of his neck and onto his scalp, toying with the soft dusting of hair, he’d let it grow out over the holidays.

“Mmm hmmm. We’re taking this year out with a bang.” He smirked against her skin.

“Oh god Gustaf that was terrible.” She scoffed and laughed at his pun.

“Yeah, but accurate.” He kissed her temple and sipped his tea. “I also booked the cabin for January 4 through 15. A little longer than planned but the few extra days were free with the deal.”

“That sounds so good. The kids will love it. Anything we need to take care of first?” She turned so she was sitting sideways on his lap. The kids weren’t the only one looking forward to some time away. She wanted to decompress with just the six of them, giving the kids time to bond with Gustaf. It was important, for all of them.

“Just clothes and maybe some snacks, board games. There’s lots for them to do outside, but it might be good to have some indoor activities in case we get a storm. We’ll need something for them to do that’s not TV and video games.”

“It’ll be a good break. Give you boys some bonding time.” She kissed him sweetly.

“Yeah.” He smiled and hung his head thinking.

“It bothers you doesn’t it? The dad thing.” Her fingers trailed his scruff and he looked at her, those eyes of perfect blue, she drowned in them every time.

“Not bother, more, different, I just need to get used to the idea.” Her kiss was tender. “It sounds so weird to my ears.” He chuckled. “If that makes any sense at all.”

“I’ll talk to them.” She said gently.

“No.” He shook his head and kissed her hard. “No. Leave it alone. They need to do what feels right for them too love. It’s just not something I ever expected from the boys. Lily I can understand, she never knew Quinn, but the boys, it was a shock, still is.” He tangled his fingers into her hair and kissed her, long and slow. “We need time, that’s all.”

“Just know I’ll talk to them if it’s too much.” She wouldn’t see him wrecked over it, hurt over it.

“No.” He smiled at her. “That’s something we need to figure out for ourselves. The four of us need to be comfortable with it and work through the awkwardness of it.” He kissed her softly. “You can’t bail me out of this one love, and I don’t want you too, not if we’re going to be a family. It’s important to them and to me that we work through it no matter how much it terrifies the hell out of me.”

She studied that handsome face, her finger playing with his scruff. “You’re a good man.” He dropped his head and her hand cupped his cheek. “You are. Look at me.” She kissed him sweetly. “Not many would do what you’ve done for them. It makes you so special.”

“I love you, I love the kids. It’s pretty simple really.”

“Sweet man I know you do, and I hope you also know that we love you too, so much.” He kissed her, the slow devastating kiss of the only man that could render her incoherent.

“My goddess, you and the kids are my world.” He rested his head against hers. “It’s been a good year. Sure there’s been some shitty bits in there, but I met you. You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me love.”

“A crazy woman who blubbers in your lap after sex, with four kids in tow.” She chuckled. “Yeah, the best.” Her tone thick with sarcasm.

“Wouldn’t change it for anything.” He grinned. “And I blubber, you fall apart.” He flicked her nose playfully.

“Me either.” Her chuckle light. “I think we make a pretty good team.”

“We do.”

“So confident.” She giggled.

“Just calling it how I see it. You make one kick ass mum you realize that right?” He said softly.

“I wouldn’t go that far.” She scoffed.

“Don’t sell yourself short. Four happy kids after what they’ve been through, that’s pretty fucking phenomenal.” Yes he knew he’d been a part of it, but she needed to hear it. Their lives had turned to shit in a blink, she had brought them to a place where they were thriving. He tried to keep the nudge out of his tone, the one that told her he wanted kids with her. Not your choice mother fucker, he cautioned silently, leave it there. He would not manipulate her no matter how much he wanted it. “Come on.” He said tapping her thigh and squeezing. “Bed, sleep. We’ve done enough for the day and I have a need to hold you close.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit either.” She said softly as she stood and took the teapot to the sink.

“You did all the hard yards love. Take a moment here and there to look at them, really look at them, they’re happy. Sure they’re still grieving and will continue to, but they’re happy.” He tucked a wave of copper over her ear. “You did that, you should be proud of it. Especially as there are so many other ways it could have turned out. Take the win love, you deserve it.” He kissed her sweetly.

“But you’ve helped where I couldn’t, you give them the missing pieces.” She kissed him tenderly. “Remember that ok?”

“I’ll remember. Bed. Come on.” He took her hand in his and tugged it to get her moving.

They snuggled in bed, Sildie almost passing out as her head hit the pillow. Sleep always took her hard, or maybe that was because she didn’t stop during the day, he thought with a wry smile. He let his mind wander as his fingers stroked her head, lips kissing her brow, breathing in her scent soothed him.

The last few days had settled him once he realized Lily was safe and Ana wasn’t going to get through the front door. His nightmare had scared him to the deepest parts of his soul, the thought of losing Lily, any of the kids had him rethinking his life. It wasn’t just him now, he had a family, responsibilities, that if he fucked up, they would feel the repercussions. He would be better, work at being a better man for them.

Next year would be busy, twelve week shoot starting in February, a premier, and hopefully more work. Maybe he’d take something closer to home, he thought, it caused him physical pain to think about being away from them for so long. They’d figure it out, they’d make it work, it was just going to tear at him.

He was hoping Sildie took the partner offer, she’d worked hard for it and wasn’t going to let anything get in her way if she decided to take it. A nanny, a housekeeper, something to take the load off when he wasn’t here. His mind chewed it over, flitting from one idea to the next until he drifted. His last conscious thought before joining Sildie in the sleep world was of a brood of kids of their own, it was often on his mind. The heart wants what the heart wants.

“Ok Lily, I’m coming. Good grief.” Sildie groaned as Lily screamed her head off through the monitor.

“Uk?” Gustaf mumbled as she pulled away from him.

“Yeah I’ll get her I’m awake now anyway.” She grumbled.

He watched her pull her robe on, the silk hiding all those delicious curves, and grinned into the pillow. The things he was going to do to her tonight, he mused as he listened to Sildie soothe Lily through the monitor.

“Lily bear, my goodness.” She cooed picking up the screaming child.

“Mum mum mum.” She sobbed as she snuggled in and hiccuped, the tiny girl was well beyond it. “Let’s get you cleaned up huh? Then some snuggles?”

“Mum mum mum.” She was a hot mess, tears and snot, that little flushed face.

“Yeah yeah, I’m here.” She sighed as she cleaned her up and dressed her in some warmer pajamas. “Were you cold little lady? Hmmm? Is that what it was? Cold and needed a snuggle?” She sat in the rocker and tucked the blanket in around her as she curled her in.

He hugged his pillow and smiled at the softness in her voice. There was no doubt in his mind she’d be a good mother, if she could only hear herself with Lily, with the boys. Getting her to see it for herself without pushing was another story.

“And you’re not going to drop any hints either asshole. Her body, her decision.” He mumbled to himself. “God I want kids with you.” He whispered into the dark as Sildie started to hum to Lily.

Pulling the covers back he climbed out of bed and found some clean sweats. It was ridiculous to be up at 4 am when they had nowhere to be until 6 that night. Padding out to the kitchen he put the kettle onto boil and dumped the tea leaves in the teapot. After the tea had steeped he poured Sildie a cup and took it in with him to Lily’s room. He smiled at the sight, his heart melting and constricting all at the same time. His two best girls fast asleep in the rocking chair. Placing the tea down he took a throw from the bed and covered Sildie up, propping her head up with a pillow so she wouldn’t get a crick in her neck. He took her tea back to the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

Drinking his tea alone he had something to eat before heading into his workout room to burn off some energy, hopefully he’d be able to nap later in the day. Slipping on the gloves he started out light, letting his body warm up before going a full hour until his muscles screamed at him.

There was no anxiety, no anger, just the ebb and flow of thoughts and ideas. Things he needed to do next year in his career, with the kids, Sildie, his life had changed, dramatically, from single to father of four. He stopped suddenly and tapped the bag lightly with a fist thinking as it swayed.

“I guess this is how you feel my lovely lady.” He murmured to the bag as he thought on that epiphany some more. “Drowning doesn’t seem to cover it.” He muttered. “Single to father of four.” Maybe that was why the whole dad thing was brutally overwhelming him, he thought, maybe it had been too much, too soon. “Single to father of four.” He repeated and continued with his workout.

His thoughts drifted to their future, what he wanted, what he wanted to give them, provide for them. Sure, he wanted kids of their own, and that decision was out of his hands, at least for the moment. The punch landed softly when marriage fluttered into his mind, he still wasn’t sure if she’d want to be married, or if he was even ready to take that plunge again.

His first marriage wasn’t bad, it wasn’t a picnic either with his addiction hanging over them both like a consistent third partner in the relationship. That was half the problem, their relationship was already on shaky ground before it had even had the chance to grow, to flourish. “I’m a different person now.” He muttered, and he was, he was clean and sober for a start. He’d disassociated himself with toxic people, mainly Ana, but there were more. Greedy, lecherous people only interested in him for what he was, his fame, or money, or his family connections. That’s where Sildie was different, she saw him for who he was, fucked up bits and all. Yes, he was different, he’d changed, and had the most incredible woman in his life. “Next year.” He said softly. “Sometime next year I’ll be asking you.” He grinned. He just had to figure out if it was something she wanted. “That’ll give me something to plan while I’m on set.” He chuckled.

Ripping the gloves off he sat for meditation and let his body relax, inviting the calm in. His breathing leveled out from the exertion and the peace flooded into him. This was a peace he’d fought hard for and a peace he was only able to obtain because of Sildie. She hadn’t given it to him directly, she’d given him understanding, support, and compassion. She’d given him a reason to be a better person, a reason to fight his demons after Ana, because if he was being honest, that fucking bitch had almost put him in the bottom of a bottle again. He’d been teetering on the edge when he’d save a few wayward oranges on Sildie’s threshold.

This year had taught him a lot and given him much more. He’d had his bad days, but the good ones had outweighed those dramatically. Most of all he’d stayed sober, he’d stayed clean, and his state of mind was clearer than it had ever been. Calm and peace settled in his mind, and he’d not been at peace with himself like this for a long time, if ever.

Getting to his feet he wiped down the bag and stowed his gloves before heading for a shower. By the time he surfaced in clean sweats and a t shirt, the boys were at the kitchen island for breakfast.

“Where mum?” Brendan asked as he started making pancakes, Gustaf’s lips twitching a smile at his endearment for Sildie.

“She’s curled up with Lily in the rocker. Lily woke up screaming at four this morning.” He yawned, putting the kettle on to heat up for a fresh pot of tea.

“Ouch.” The teen winced.

“Yeah. It was a little rough.” Gustaf chuckled. “Let them sleep, we’ll stick to quiet time this morning ok?” He looked at the twins and they nodded.

“Can we play Harry?” Finn asked as he snatched a hot pancake from the plate.

“Volume down low and we might go for a walk later, get out for a bit if the weather is good, so no grumbles when we do ok?” Both boys nodded, they knew the rules, grumbles meant shortened game time. “What about you B? What are you up to today?”

“Chokladbiskvier, I thought we could take them to grandpa’s tonight.” He said flipping a pancake.

“Only if you want to, there’s no need to. My dad has the party catered.” Gustaf saw the kids eyes light up. “Christmas is for family, New Years is a little more of a party.”

“I want to.” The teen grinned.

“Then have at it. And. Yum.” He elbowed the kid playfully before pouring the water over the tea leaves.

“If I have time I might even make Kladdkaka.” Brendan said on the sly.

“Shit kid you’re killing me.” He groaned.

Once the boys had eaten and off to do their designated quiet time activity, Gustaf settled into the one seat with his book, content to have some down time of his own while his girls slept.

“Mum mum mum.” Lily said softly, tapping Sildie’s face with her tiny hand.

“I’m up.” Sildie said, inhaling sharply. “Hey there little lady.” Lily crashed into her and hugged her tight. Sildie smiled as she kissed the toddlers head. “Shall we get cleaned up and go have some breakfast?” She laughed as Lily bounced, happy and content on her lap with her usual chatter for her dad dad. Her ass was asleep and she smiled at the throw and pillow tucked in around her. Gustaf had obviously come to check on her at some point. With a clean Lily she shuffled out to the kitchen and a wonderful smell of warm cookies. Brendan had been cooking up a storm again and she was so thrilled for the boy, something that brought him so much happiness in a year where things had gone to shit in more ways than one. They’d all come a long way since their parents passed. Maybe Gustaf was right, maybe I am good at this mum thing, she thought and then snorted before kissing Lily’s head. It was only better because of Gustaf, she was drowning before he came along and swept her off her feet, cleaning pasta sauce from her floor.

He loved that look on her face, her body, she’d slept and slept hard, total relaxation. Saving his page he got up and wrapped his arms around her waist as she sat Lily in her high chair with a pancake.

“Morning lovely lady.”

“Morning.” She yawned. “Did you get some more sleep after this one made a ruckus?”

“No, but I’ll take a nap later.” He kissed her temple and let his hand wander under her robe out of the line of sight of the boys. He growled and palmed a breast gently. “Fuck I love the feel of you.” He nipped her ear as her soft moan escaped, that spot below her ear betraying her as he kissed it. “You might want to nap today, you’re gonna need every ounce of energy for what I have planned for you tonight kitten.” He murmured, turning her so she faced him. He gently gripped her chin and kissed her slowly, patiently devouring every inch of her mouth. She was breathless and struck mute by the time he let her up for air.

“I love it when you kiss me like that.” Her chest heaved, pussy throbbed, god she wanted him to bend her over the table and fuck her.

“I know.” He kissed her again tenderly. “Sit down I’ll get you some un mangled pancakes.” He chuckled at seeing Lily’s shredded breakfast on her high chair table, the child quite content making an absolute mess of herself and offering crumbs to Sildie.

The man certainly knew how to kiss a woman, she thought as she sat near Lily and watched Gustaf walk to the kitchen. How was it he made her tummy flip just by looking at those thighs, that ass, the roped muscle of his arms, those hands? Because you know what’s under all those clothes, the little devil on her shoulder whispered, and you like what he does to you, all of it. “Yes I do.” She muttered and smiled as Lily tried to feed her some squished pancake.

After Sildie had eaten Gustaf forced her into the one seat with her book. With his hands braced on the arms of the chair he leaned down and kissed her. “I don’t want to see you get out of that chair unless it’s for the bathroom.” He murmured and kissed her again. “Rest love, please. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends these past few days and I don’t want you burning out or getting sick.”

“Only if you rest too.” She trailed a finger down his jaw, over his scruff, along the column of his throat, before fanning out her fingers over his chest. That chest, she thought, all hers and damn it if she didn’t love curling into it, the safety and security she felt when she did.

“I’m going to entertain Lily, which is rest enough.” He kissed her again and left her to read.

She watched him stretch out on the floor, his body caging Lily against the corner of the room, she’d have to climb over him to get out. Looking around the apartment she smiled, the twins quietly figuring out the next puzzle on Harry Potter, Brendan in the kitchen baking, experimenting with whatever flavors he desired, happy. On the last day of the year, there was this surreal calm that had enveloped the apartment and the people in it, and she couldn’t deny that it felt really good. Gustaf was right, the kids were happy, she’d brought them to a place where they could be settled and start their life again. It wasn’t just her though, she thought, as she watched Gustaf. They were happy because of this gorgeous man laying on their floor playing with a child that wasn’t his by blood, but his in every way that mattered. He’d given them a home, a family unit.

I want more days like this, she thought, that was her goal for the coming year, more time with the kids, more time with Gustaf, more peace in their lives. What about making partner, the little voice in her head said softly, what about your dreams, your hopes? If Dana could manage her own firm and three kids with another on the way, I sure as shit can manage the four she handed me, she thought with an indignant huff. She’d thought about what Gustaf had said, get a housekeeper, a nanny, she didn’t have to do it on her own anymore so why make it harder on herself? A housekeeper would be helpful, laundry, pick the kids up, get dinner on, especially if she was working late, and especially when Gustaf was away. The only issue was cost, because she wasn’t going to expect Gustaf to pay for it all. Quinn and Dana had used one but they had dual income, maybe she could get Alice to come work full time? Do the half and half payments with Gustaf? “Now there’s a thought.” She mumbled and kept reading.

She was so engrossed in her book she didn’t notice Gustaf had fallen asleep until Lily started to get upset that dad dad wasn’t playing with her anymore. Sildie climbed out of the chair and lifted the child out from her makeshift compound. She took her to get changed and had Brendan watch her for a moment. Kneeling beside Gustaf she gently lifted his head and placed a pillow under it, grabbing the throw from the couch she covered him enough to keep his torso warm, he was out cold and she couldn’t bring herself to wake him.

“Sleep love.” She murmured, before collecting Lily from Brendan and sitting with the child to read to her.

He woke up with a tiny child using him as a jungle gym. The place was quiet apart from Lily chattering dad dad, how long had he been out? Those lips he craved pressed against his temple and he snaked an arm around Lily so she didn’t fall as she flopped over his hip with a giggle.

“Time to wake up sleepy head.” Sildie murmured, kissing his temple.

“Wow I bombed.” He yawned rolling to his back.

“You did. It’s nearly four.” Her chuckle was humorous.

“What! Shit!” He huffed. “Didn’t mean to sleep that much.” Scrubbing a hand over his face he sat up and pulled Lily into his arms, the child hugging her dad dad. “Did you get a nap?”

“Sort of, this one crashed out for about two hours. We snuggled.” She helped him to his feet and went to make tea as he wandered into the kitchen, Lily curled in, that wonderful cookie smell still lingering on the air.

“Damn those look good.” He said to Brendan at the sight of the chocolate coated Chokladbiskvier.

“These are for us, I packed up the rest for the party already.” Brendan said quietly.

“I can have one?” Gustaf grinned at him like the big kid he was at heart.

“Yeah.” B chuckled shyly, the teen was still getting used to having free reign of the kitchen.

“Yeah?” His eyes sparkled as Brendan pushed the plate over to him. Instead of taking one or two, Gustaf grabbed the entire plate and took it to the table.

“I meant one cookie.” Brendan laughed.

“Ahhh but you didn’t stipulate. I’m taking one. One plate, that just happens to have all the cookies on it.” He bundled the kid into him for a hug. “They look and smell divine. I won’t eat them all I promise.” He chuckled.

“You have to watch this one.” Sildie said to Brendan as she brought the teapot to the table.

“Apparently.” The kid laughed and hugged Gustaf tightly.

“Go take a shower and get cleaned up, make sure you’re packed for tonight.” Sildie said gently. “Finn, Liam, you too. Finish up your game, go pack and get cleaned up.”

“Mum mums cracking the whip.” Gustaf mumbled to Lily, kissing the girls head as he snagged a cookie.

“I heard that.” She scoffed and stared at him, the cheeky twinkle in his eyes made her smirk as she poured the tea.

“Keykey.” Lily chattered to Gustaf, her little hand squeezing in and out of a fist at the cookies.

“You want one?” Gustaf handed her half a cookie and she demolished it. “Chocolate fiend.”

“You good with her while I go shower?” Sildie said sipping her tea.

“Sure.”

“No more cookies.” She chuckled as that little hand reached out for another.

“I don’t blame her they’re really good.” He kissed Lily’s head and pushed the cookies away from her. He needed to stop eating them too or he’d end up the size of a house.

Sildie showered and dressed, hiding a new set of black lace under her dress. It was a simple figure hugging black wrap dress with a plunging neckline and knee high skirt, enough to have her man drooling before she set foot out the door. She topped it off with a string of moonstone beads.

“I’m going to take Lily’s por...” His sentence stopped there as he laid eyes on her, all wrapped up in black velvet.

“Going to take Lily’s what? Where?” She smirked biting her bottom lip wickedly.

He stalked across the floor, those long powerful legs eating up the hardwood flooring. Gripping her chin gently he looked at her, those ice blue eyes finding his from under her lashes. “That’s a very dangerous game to play kitten.” He growled, that low rumble making her pussy ache for him. His kiss was slow and sensual, yet demanding, his thumb gently prying her lip free from between her teeth. “One day you’ll tease me once too often.” He warned. Oh how he wanted it to be tonight, he thought, silently begging her to do it again.

She felt the power ripple off him, his presence unmistakable raw domination and she loved playing this game with him. Would he spank her tonight if she pushed him, she wondered? Her body betrayed her as a shiver skittered over her.

His low chuckle against her lips told her it hadn’t gone unnoticed. “Finish getting ready kitten, I need to take Lily’s portable crib upstairs.” He murmured, lips ghosting hers seductively before he devoured her mouth, leaving her breathless. “I can’t wait to taste you.” He purred as he pulled away from her.

He left her dazed as he walked out of the room chuckling. Collecting Lily’s crib and the boys overnight bags he headed to his fathers. This would be a New Years she wouldn’t forget in a hurry, he’d make damn sure of it. A night to leave all the shitty bits of the past twelve months behind them and start fresh tomorrow.

By the time Gustaf came back for a shower the boys were dressed, and Lily had her sunflower dress on. It was a favorite of his, something he’d found on sale before Christmas and bought it on a whim. Simple yellow gingham with embroidered sunflowers along the hem, perfect for his little ray of sunshine.

She couldn’t help it. Biting down on her bottom lip she groaned softly as Gustaf came out of the bedroom a while later in black thigh hugging denim and a crisp white shirt. His eyes met her across the tops of the boys heads and she saw the smirk twitch at his lips, he knew what that shirt did to her. Moving over to her he pocketed his phone and keys before brushing her blood red stained lips with his thumb, prying it from her teeth again. “I’m not beyond putting you over my knee tonight kitten.” He growled before kissing her, slow and erotic as her system trembled. “Mmmm, you like the sound of that don’t you.” It wasn’t a question, because he knew damn well what the thought of it did to her.

“We need to go.” She choked, breathless and wanting.

“Yes we do.” He kissed her sweetly. “Were not done.” He growled as her finger trailed the patch of chest peeking out of his dress shirt. “Nowhere near done.”

“You’re not playing fair.” She murmured.

“All bets are off tonight kitten.” He nipped her ear playfully. “Nothing I do to you tonight will be fair, but you’ll be begging me to do it over and over again.” He added before stepping away and picking Lily up. “Well don’t you look like the little ray of sunshine you are.” He said kissing the girl until she giggled while Sildie attempted to get her hormones under control. Damn he knew how to get her going, and that shirt, she wasn’t going to be able to keep her hands off him.

They locked up the apartment and climbed in the elevator, Liam pushing the button to Stellan’s floor. “I like this dress.” Gustaf whispered, his hand cupping her ass giving it a squeeze.

“Then you’ll love what’s under it.” She purred, those eyes so seductive as he chuckled before kissing her.

“Fuck I love you.” He grinned, kissing her hard as the doors opened, that wicked smile of hers making his cock throb.

The front door was wide open, Megan greeting them and getting the kids settled, Lily was determined to stay with Gustaf for the moment and snuggled into his neck. Sweet girl I know how you feel, Sildie thought, that’s where I want to be snuggled right now too. Truth be told she wanted to get her hands on him and under that shirt, and he smelled so damn good, pure freshly showered male. With a squeeze of Gustaf’s hand she ventured into the kitchen with Brendan and the cookies, Eija wrapping the kid in an excited hug. Here we go, she thought, jump in the deep end, sink or swim with his family, because she couldn’t stay glued to Gustaf every time she was around them.

“You and I need to talk Kladdkaka.” She said lifting the lid of the container holding the cookies, snagging one and biting down. “God yes, and these.”

“About what?” Brendan asked looking slightly puzzled.

“If it’s ok with your mum I want to hire you to bake for my Sunday brunches.” She said digging out another cookie.

“For real?” Brendan’s eyes went wide as dinner plates.

“For reals kid. My brother told me you were good so I took a full Kladdkaka home with me from Christmas Day and fed it to my staff just to be sure. They asked when your first shift was.” Eija chuckled.

“But what about school and hockey?” He looked at Sildie for some help, way out of his depth, but not wanting to blow this chance.

“I think we can work something out.” Eija said gently. “We can do just the Sunday brunches for the moment, get your feet wet, see how you like it, how you go when school starts up. I can send you the order Monday, you send me the list of ingredients I’ll have them delivered. Don’t change anything from what you use now, that’s what makes it yours and special. Same brands, same everything, don’t change a thing. I was thinking you could cook Saturday and then let me know when they’re done and I’ll pick them up.”

“Every Saturday?” Brendan asked and felt his heart sink.

“No, we can do one weekend a month to start. I don’t want it to be too much. And the bonus is I’ll pay you.”

“Like a job?”

“Like a job dude.” She chuckled.

“Sick.” Brendan looked at Sildie. “Can I? Please?” Sildie could see him holding his breath, the excitement at the offer, his body vibrating.

“A few conditions. School comes first, your grades drop, you’re done. Just like hockey.” She said bluntly.

“No argument from me on that one.” Eija said honestly. “Your grades drop kid, I’ll kick your ass myself.”

“Ok, I figured that was a given.” Brendan chuckled.

“Eija’s the boss. You don’t get to tell her what you’re baking, she tells you.” Brendan nodded. “Half your pay goes into the bank, no exceptions. The other half you can save and spend on whatever you like, within reason.” She smiled at him. “Other than that if you want to give it a try, then do it. If you want to think about it, then take some time to think on it. It’s a huge deal, be sure it’s what you want before committing to it. That makes it fair for Eija as well.” She watched him chew on it. The kid wasn’t impulsive to start with, but she wanted to be sure he was thinking about things before making a decision.

“Can I think about it Aunty Eija?” He asked quietly.

“Of course.” She elbowed him playfully. “And it’s just Eija, the Aunty thing makes me feel old.” She chuckled.

“Oh, sorry.” He cringed, feeling he fucked up his chances right off the mark.

“It’s fine kid.” She hugged him tightly. “You weren’t to know.”

“I should have asked first.” He mumbled and Sildie ran her fingers through his hair to soothe.

“It’s ok love she’s not angry.” Sildie said softly.

“Live and learn slick. I don’t hate it, it just makes me feel old, like my brother.” She chuckled. “Alex is a dinosaur.” She said loudly, knowing her brother on the other side of the room heard it as his head snapped to her grinning, Brendan couldn’t stop the snort. “That’s just between you and me by the way.” She chuckled and smiled as the kid lightened up.

Valter came past and hijacked their conversation, stealing the teen away so he could help kick Finns ass.

“He’s a good kid.” Eija said when it was just the two of them, handing Sildie some champagne.

“Not for me, I don’t drink.” At least not anymore and especially when there was a gorgeous man in a white dress shirt just across the room making eyes with her. She wanted to be stone cold sober when he fucked her tonight, she wanted to remember it all. “He is. Brendan’s been through a lot, took a lot on when Quinn passed. They’ve never had aunts and uncles, grandparents. It’s all new for them. Your brother gave him back his childhood, and a family.” She said quietly and cracked the seal on a bottle of water, emotions bubbling up.

“Goose is a special guy.” Eija’s honesty struck a chord in Sildie’s heart.

“He sure is.” Sildie said wistfully as she watched Gustaf, that lean body moving so gracefully. His gaze eventually caught hers from across the room, probably sensing she was watching him. Biting down gently on her bottom lip she smirked as the fire lit in his eyes, could feel the growl ripple from him silently, her finger twirling the string of beads around her neck.

He had to check the audible growl, the overwhelming urge to storm over there, strip her down to the black lace he knew was under that plush velvet dress, and spank her until she screamed, begged him to take her.

“I’m glad he met you.” Eija said softly.

“He makes me ridiculously happy, makes the kids happy.” Sildie smiled.

“He deserves someone like you, Sildie. Someone that loves him for who he is, not what his occupation is, or who he can connect them with.” Eija’s voice caught with emotion. She knew her brother had struggled, with addiction, with Ana, with anxiety and anger. He’d finally met someone that loved him for everything he was and more.

“He’s a very sweet soul.”

“I heard about your work party.” Eija said carefully. “Gustaf talked to me, in case anything gets dragged up in the media.” She added seeing the anger flare in Sildie’s eyes, nervous fingers tapping the island countertop.

“Fair enough.” She banked the fury, this whole Ana thing was bigger than her and Gustaf, it touched this entire family, she thought as she looked at Alex. She had to remember that.

“For what it’s worth I’m sorry.” Eija said quietly.

“Eija you have absolutely nothing to apologize to me for. Or like Gustaf likes to tell me, you don’t get to apologize for her. Ever.”

“Well if you need a hand burying the body let me know, I’ll grab the shovel.”

Sildie snorted. “Gustaf was right, we are so alike.”

“Nobody fucks with my brothers, especially Goose. He’s been through too much.” Eija was scrappy, and that’s what Sildie liked about her. She spoke her mind, told it to you straight, no bullshit, and no fucks given if it hurt your feelings. And she was fiercely protecting of her brothers, especially Gustaf. “Is your friend going to be ok?” She asked. Sensitive and emotional under it all, but fierce. “The lawyer?”

“I don’t know, the last I heard from Lucas she was out on bail, I don’t know when or if a court date has been set yet with all the holidays. I’m hoping it’s just a quick hearing and he can move on.”

“Will you keep me in the loop?” She asked.

“Sure, as much as I can. Lucas can’t tell me much as it’s an ongoing investigation, but if I hear anything I can text you.” She studied Eija. “You want to see her go down in court don’t you?”

“You bet your fine ass I do.” Her tone full of fire. “I want to see her fucking face when karma pays that bitch a visit.”

“No outbursts, no contact, no disruptions. If you do it could hurt Lucas and potentially drag Gustaf and yourself into the middle of it.”

“You’re right. You’re absolutely fucking right.” She sighed. “Damn it.”

“That’s what she’ll be trying to do. She wants a reaction, don’t give her one. Promise me Eija, or you’ll get no updates from me.” Eija could see she wasn’t fucking around. “It can get much worse from here, for you, Gustaf, me, my kids, I’m trying to stop that from happening.” Sildie needed to reign Eija in, if not things could get complicated.

“I promise. I want to know what’s going on but yeah, I get what you’re saying.” She looked at Sildie and saw the fear her brother had mentioned. “She won’t get near your kids Sildie. Goose won’t allow it.”

“I know, I’m more worried about what it’ll do to him.” She said softly, the terrified look in his eyes that morning he’d had the nightmare haunted her. “I can’t watch her shit storm take that peace he’s fought so hard for from him too.” Sildie looked at her and had to say it, just to be absolutely clear. “Don’t make me lawyer you. Because I’ll do it to protect those I love Eija, including you, especially your brother. He’s gone through too much to carve that bitch out of his soul, I don’t want this thrown in his face more than it has to be.” Memories of Gustaf burning the notebook flittered into her mind, the baby bootie.

“I don’t want this to hurt my brother either. You have my word, I’ll behave. I just want to see her go down.” Eija promised.

“I’ll see what I can do when or if it goes to trial. At the moment it’s just between Ana and Lucas. With a bit of luck we’ll be left out of it.” Wishful thinking, Sildie thought, but she had to hold onto something.

“Sounds good to me. Goose was right, you’re scary as fuck when the lawyer comes out.” Eija grinned.

“Oh, I can be scarier.” Sildie stated bluntly. “Gustaf knows just how scary.” She added thinking back to the night in his workout room where he’d spiraled and she’d let him have it.

“No doubt.” The muttered reply making Sildie smirk.

He watched her as she spoke to his sister, happy that they seemed to get along, admired Sildie for having the balls to clear the air with Eija on Christmas Day, that hadn’t been easy. His woman in black velvet, curves on full display, the way her fingers toyed with that damn necklace. She caught him staring, the shy smile with a hint of the erotic goddess he knew was under it all.

“You’re so fucking gone over her.” Bill snorted, playfully punching him in the shoulder.

“Yeah.” His goofy grin said it all, totally smitten. “And this one.” He added, as he picked Lily up when she wandered over to grab him by the leg. “My Lily bear.”

“She’s the cutest thing.” Alex said, coming over to stand with them. Lily eyed him and snuggled into her dad dad, she still wasn’t too sure of the oldest brother. She would be with time, Alex was just never home long enough for her to get used to him.

Sildie watched as Gustaf put Lily down, Oona waddling over and grabbing his leg, the two girls dancing and bopping at his feet. Her heart melted as he took a hold of Sam’s three month old, his hands dwarfing the baby, but it was his face that sucker punched her. Gustaf sat and cradled the baby, joy and adoration pouring from him. Did she want that with him, could she give that to him, she wondered, as the all familiar questions kept repeating in her mind like a cracked record?

They spent the early part of the evening apart, Sildie was determined not to hang on Gustaf like a lost puppy. She was a lawyer damnit and this was just his family. She had to get used to being around them, with them, and without Gustaf as a safety net. There would be times he would be away and they would visit, and she wanted to be comfortable visiting them, with or without the kids.

She smiled as Alex walked over and put Eija in a loving headlock, she missed that playfulness you could only get with a sibling. The both of them keeping her entertained and helping her to relax. Alex was reliving an exceptionally funny story when Gustaf caught her eye, that smoldering look that had her almost crossing her legs as her pussy throbbed. His gaze raked over her body, undressing her as it went, the heat rising in her. How did he do that, she wondered? Not to be outdone she nibbled on her bottom lip and saw the desire flash in his stare. Running her tongue over her lips she swore she heard his groan before he whipped out his phone. A moment later her text tone went off.

You’re playing a dangerous game kitten, unless you’re begging me to put you over my knee and spank you with an audience you need to stop.

She could practically hear the growl as the words leapt off her screen. Looking at him from under her lashes she bit her lip again and twirled a finger around the moonstone beads.

Promise?

She texted back and grinned wickedly.

He had to check the groan at her words, his cock twitching, he wasn’t going to make it until midnight if she kept up with her current sinful teasing, he was uncomfortably hard in his jeans as it was. Trying to have a conversation with his family while hiding a massive boner was difficult. Sitting on the arm chair he half tuned into the conversation, half watched his seductive goddess move through the room. Those curves, that mane of silk copper, those cherry red lips he wanted around his cock. The sight of her was seduction enough.

He watched her talk with his father, the slight shift in her emotions clear to him, but not anyone else. She was trying so hard to put her grief behind her and have a good night, making the effort to get to know his family where most others hadn’t bothered to take the time. First rule of the new year, he thought, love this woman with every part of my soul, every second of every day, show her how incredible she is.

“I’m sorry I upset you the other day.” Stellan said gently as he grabbed Sildie another water.

“You didn’t. I’m still processing a lot of grief, it gets in the way sometimes. If anything I’m the one that should be apologizing for running out of there so quickly, it was rude.” She’d felt bad after he’d helped them move the display cabinet that day.

“No need. You’re still finding your feet after the rug was ripped out from under you. It couldn’t have been easy with four kids on top of it.” Stellan watched her carefully, he didn’t want to dive into it too much and have her freak out.

“It’s no picnic.” She said softly.

“It’ll settle, give it time, lean on Gustaf, on us. We’ll do everything we can to make things easier on you and the kids, especially when Gustaf’s away. Anytime, day or night, Megan and I are just a short elevator ride away and she works from home most of the time.”

“Thank you.”

“I know Gustaf’s said it and I’ll say it too, you’re not alone anymore Sildie. This family sticks together, we help each other out. Sure we bicker and fight, but when we need to we rally, no questions, no judgement.” Stellan pulled Megan over for a kiss before they settled into a conversation about safer topics, his statement resonating with her, family, support, love.

She could see the pride Stellan had for his kids, what they’d accomplished, the lives each one of them had carved out for themselves. In the short time she’d been with his family, Gustaf resembled Stellan the most. That same warmth and kindness she felt with Gustaf she felt from Stellan, the apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree. As they talked and each sibling drifted in and out of the conversation she realized how much she’d missed out on growing up, how much she missed her brother, her parents. The slow seduction from across the room throughout the night was tantalizing. Those subtle suggestive looks, the nibble of her bottom lip, the flirtatious knowing smirk he’d give her as he blatantly undressed her with his eyes. It wasn’t until 11:30 and the younger kids had gone to bed, that Gustaf stole her away from talking to his father to dance, Stellan grinning as Gustaf waltzed her around the room.

“It’s a promise kitten.” He growled at her ear as he pulled her close and swayed, the soft jazz filling the apartment. “The things I’m going to do to you.” He dipped her slowly and kissed her throat. “I should punish you for tormenting me from across the room too.” His tone was that seductive timbre that made her pussy throb. “My sex kitten in black velvet.”

She bit down on her bottom lip to push the issue and he gripped it hard, borderline painful. It always amazed her at how he managed to skate that line between pleasure and pain so deftly. Still dancing he kissed her, slow, sensual, devouring. “Don’t push me kitten.” He purred, his lips ghosting hers as he let her chin go, fingers trailing her body to wrap around hers. “You may get more than you bargained for tonight.”

“God I hope so.” She purred, those ruby red painted lips kissing that one spot on his neck that turned him to mush. “I want to feel you daddy.” She whispered.

“We’re leaving the minute after the new year.” He dipped her again. “Because I can’t wait much longer to have you. Dancing and teasing is one thing, but I want you bound and begging.” He kissed her, tongue teasing hers. “And you will be begging.”

“You keep kissing me like that and we’re not going to make it home.” She muttered as he held her close. His low chuckle rumbled from deep within his chest.

“You’ll make it home, I don’t want an audience when I fuck you slowly until you scream my name.” He felt the shiver ripple through her body, now doubt in his mind she’d be wet for him. “I’m going to take my time with you, tie you up, take you apart an orgasm at a time.” His kiss was slow and sinful and if he kept talking to her like this she was going to orgasm right in the middle of the party. “Mmm you like the sound of that don’t you kitten?”

“You know I do.” Her gaze found his, the seductive blue looking back.

“Just say the word and we’ll go.” He smirked, knowing she’d want to dance some more and see midnight, time was it’s own seduction. He twirled her around the room, content to feel her let go and have fun. This was the happiest and most carefree he’d ever seen her.

“I see where you get your jazz gene from.” She chuckled, she had to change the topic or she’d embarrass herself. “Your dad has good taste in music, that’s what we’re were talking about before you whisked me away.” She laughed as he dipped her low.

“Fuck me I love that laugh.” He murmured, his lips grazing her temple as he grinned like a fool. “Dad and I are a lot alike.”

“You are. You have the same smile.” She said softly and kissed those lips she craved. “The same kindhearted soul.” He looked at her, eyes drowning in hers.

“It takes like souls to see each other.” He tucked a wave of copper behind her ear. “I love you.”

“I love you too sweet man.”

Gustaf closed his eyes and swayed with her, the joy and happiness on her face as he held her close, the tender touches as they talked and got lost in each other. He was, as Bill had put it, gone over her, so completely. This was what he wanted of for her, the happy bubble, he’d see she got more of it.

“My Sildie.” He murmured as the countdown to midnight started. “You’re the best thing to come into my life.” He rested his forehead against hers.

“Thank you for walking into mine, into ours, you are my everything love.” She felt so at peace with him, the world on the cusp of a new year, new beginnings, a fresh start. As the clock chimed midnight he kissed her, slow and long, a silent promise that he would take care of her, take care of the kids, become the family he so desperately wanted with her, and they so desperately needed from him.

“Sweet man, I love you.” She whispered, before deepening the kiss. She wanted him, this, family, the feeling of being loved for who she was, baggage and all.

“I love you too.” He squeezed her tightly and danced her around the room. “Now those are the best first words of the new year.” He chuckled and dipped her, that laugh making him deliriously happy.

“There’s so much love in this room.” She said softly as they swayed, the slower song drifting them along with it.

“As family should be love.” He smiled kissing her head and breathing in her scent.

“Thank you.” She murmured.

“What for?”

“For giving me a family.” She whispered and closed her eyes, the stray tears falling as he danced with her cheek to cheek.

“Don’t cry love.” He kissed each cheek, the saltiness of her tears making his heart break.

“Sorry, they’re mostly happy tears.” She chuckled.

“It’s ok to miss them love.” He murmured kissing her tenderly. She was happy, yes, but the undercurrent of grief made things more difficult for her.

“I just hate when it bubbles up like this.”

“Better it bubbling up than holding it in.” He said gently, which he knew she did on a daily basis. She held so much of it in it was a wonder she could hold it together at all, he’d be a wreck. “Talk to me love.” He leaned back slightly as they continued to dance so he could see her face. “It’s New Year’s Eve, air out the mental laundry.” Her laugh was more a snort.

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin.” She scoffed

“Try.” He whispered before dipping her low.

“It sounds silly.” And she wasn’t sure of what his reaction would be.

“So let it sound silly.”

@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea @fay-walden @nandadb

[zackcollins]

i still love you || matthew tkachuk

masterlist

Author’s Note: I was listening to the radio yesterday and a song came on that gave me massive Matty vibes. I decided to go for it and write a fic based on the song because everyone probably still needs something to decompress with. The fic is a little bit different than the song but it still has the basic premise of the lyrics; hope that’s okay! GIF credit to matthewtkafuck!

Warnings: I don’t think anything is worth a warning but let me know if I’m wrong. I’ll gladly add whatever it is you think needs one!

Word Count: 1.8k+

Title/Based On: Austin by Blake Shelton

Additional: The reader can be implied to be feminine because of a couple of situations that I’m not going to spoil. As for one of the name of one of the characters I used in the fic. I named the character after the girl in The Reklaws since they came on the radio when I needed a name for the character. Hope that’s okay and I hope you guys enjoy this!

You had come home from work in the worst mood you could possibly imagine. Every one of your coworkers and a majority of the customers had tried your patience. You were ready to go on a destructive rampage through the neighbourhood by the time you pulled into the apartment complex parking garage. 

 When you walked into your apartment, you could hear your boyfriend, Matthew, playing a video game. By the sounds of it, it was Call of Duty because you could hear him talking to someone. You rolled your eyes as you walked into the living room. Your suspicions were confirmed when you saw Matthew wearing his headset and caught a glimpse of the zombies on the screen.

 Matthew nodded to acknowledge you, smiling when you placed a kiss to his forehead. He quickly pushed you aside; you guessed it was because of the voice you heard screaming in his ear about the zombies approaching him. You huffed and sat on the couch beside him. You tried to lean onto Matthew for comfort but he shrugged you off of him and looked at you sternly. Your stomach twisted angrily as a feeling of hurt washed over you. 

 “I need to leave, Matt,” you said. 

 Matthew raised an eyebrow as he looked at you. He pressed the button on his headset to mute his microphone. “I’ll get the car keys. We can go to the movies or something.” He unmuted his microphone and told whoever he was playing with that he needed to leave for the time being. Matthew powered the Xbox off before sliding his headset off and placing it on the coffee table. He stood up and turned to head toward the foyer to grab his keys.

 You sighed, grabbing Matthew’s forearm. Matthew stopped and looked at you. He furrowed his brows and frowned when he saw the distraught look on your face. “No, I need to leave.”

“Oh. Uh…” Matthew dropped his arm from your grasp, sitting back on the couch, and grabbing your hands. You wanted to protest but you were too stressed to put up a fight. “Is there any reason?”

 “I just need to clear my mind,” you said, squeezing Matthew’s hands weakly. 

 Matthew hummed, running his thumbs across your knuckles. You shivered and felt a sudden wave of emotions wash over you. You suddenly felt guilty for doing this but you knew it had to be done; this was what you felt was best for you right now. 

 You looked at Matthew with hopeful eyes and he smiled back softly. He took one of his hands away from your hand, using it to cup your chin. Matthew leaned in at the moment, pressing a quick goodbye kiss to your lips. You were beyond crushed when it was over. A part of you wanted your last kiss to mean something more; the other part of you was glad it was over quickly. You didn’t think you would be able to hold it together if it got more meaningful.

 Dropping Matthew’s other hand, you looked at him with a painful expression. Matthew looked back, his eyes matching your pained gaze. You sighed, stood up, and walked down the hallway to what used to be yours and Matthew’s bedroom. 

 In the bedroom, you went through your dresser and placed your clothes and some toiletries into a couple of suitcases. You wanted to grab as much as you could before you got cold feet and decided to stay.

 It took fifteen minutes but you eventually had accumulated enough contents in both suitcases to be able to drag them out of the bedroom. When you appeared back in front of Matthew, he looked shocked to see the suitcases.

 “Fuck,” Matthew said, running a hand through his hair. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

 All you could do was nod. You walked to the door of the apartment, looking back at Matthew. You felt your heart shatter when you saw the defeated expression on Matthew’s face. You wanted to turn around and run into Matthew’s arms; you wanted to stay here with Matthew. You knew you couldn’t because you had to take some time to clear your mind and figure out what you really wanted with your life before you continued this--or any--relationship. 

 You waved briefly to Matthew before you walked out of the door and out on the relationship you had spent three years building.

 Ever since you had left your shared apartment that night, you had avoided watching any of Matthew’s pre-, mid-, or post-game interviews. You didn’t want to make the ache in your heart bigger. 

 You finally broke down and called him about a year after you had moved out, deciding you couldn’t bear the separation any longer. The phone rang times before it went to Matthew’s voicemail. You sighed and were about to hang up when the voicemail message started playing.

 “I sold the car. I’m bowling if it’s Tuesday. If you’re selling something, I’m not buying it. If it’s important, wait for the tone; you know what to do. P.S. If this is (Y/N), I still love you.”

 The phone fell from your grasp, landing on the counter with a thunk. Hearing that last line made your heart rate speed up and your head swim. You couldn’t believe that Matthew would hold on to his love for you for this long. You wanted to call right back but knew that would do no good; if Matthew didn’t answer the first time, he probably wouldn’t answer the second time.

 Instead, you picked up the phone and opened your photo gallery. You opened the album you had made for pictures of you and Matthew together. You skimmed through them, stopping to closely examine your favourite ones. 

 As you looked at them, you felt your eyes beginning to well with tears. The longer you looked at the pictures, the closer you were getting to crying. When you got to the last picture of you and Matthew, you allowed the tears to stream down your face. The picture was of you and Matthew holding one of his teammate’s children. You inhaled shakily before sliding off the barstool you were sitting on.

 You walked down the hallway and into the bedroom beside the bathroom. You walked across the room and bent over the crib, looking in on your daughter. She was sleeping soundly, thumb in her mouth. You took your phone and snapped a quick picture of her and saved it in the album you had created for her. 

 You leaned down and kissed your daughter’s forehead, sighing softly as soon as you stood back up. You leaned against the wall behind the crib, crossing your arms over your chest. Letting out a shaky sigh, you squeezed your eyes shut.

 “You look just like your father.”

 After sitting and stewing about it, you decided to try and call Matthew again after three days. You owed it to him to tell him that he had a daughter, even if nothing came of the relationship between the two of you. He deserved to at least have a relationship with his daughter.

 Much like three days prior, the phone rang three times before going to voicemail. When the voicemail message played, you were surprised to see that Matthew had taken the time to change what it had said.

 “I’m playing hockey if it’s Friday. I’m going fishing first thing Saturday morning, so long as it doesn’t rain. I’ll be gone for the whole weekend. If you leave your number, I’ll call you back when I return on Sunday afternoon. P.S. If this is (Y/N), I still love you.”

 All you left was your number. You felt like spilling your guts about the fact that Matthew had a daughter over voicemail wasn’t the right thing to do. You felt that was to be discussed when Matthew was able to respond during an actual conversation. 

 As the days went on, you were anxiously waiting for Sunday afternoon. You had deep cleaned your apartment three different times in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. You had also taken your daughter to your usual Saturday afternoon ‘mommy and me’ baby aerobics class but it felt tense this time. No matter how hard you tried to relax, you couldn’t. Every one of your thoughts was focused on waiting for Matthew to call you back.

 When Sunday afternoon finally came, you had almost forgotten about the fact that Matthew was supposed to call. That was evident by the fact that you were in the middle of changing your daughter when your phone rang. When you pulled your phone out of your pocket, you nearly had a heart attack when you saw the caller ID. It was Matthew calling. You accepted the call.

 “If you’re calling about my heart,” you said, taking a breath to stabilize your voice. “It still belongs to you. I should’ve listened to what it was telling me. Then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to know where I belong.” You paused again, trying to see if you could gauge a reaction from Matthew. His end of the line seemed completely quiet, so you continued talking. “And by the way, this isn’t the voicemail. This is (Y/N). And I still love you. So does your daughter.” 

 You heard Matthew choke on some air as he started spluttering to breathe. It took a few moments but he eventually regained his composure enough to form coherent words.

 “I have a daughter?!” He asked, voice hoarse.

 “Yes,” you replied. “Her name is Jenna.”

 Matthew inhaled sharply. “Can I see a picture of her?”

 Instead of answering, you pressed a button to switch the call to a video call. Matthew accepted the video call request but had a confused look on his face. It shifted to understanding when you moved your phone to show the face of your daughter. It quickly shifted to something heartwarming after that.

 “She…” Matthew said, motioning around her face. “She looks just like me.” His voice was small, almost tentative.

 “Yeah, I know,” you replied, sighing shakily. 

 “Jenna?” Matthew said. Jenna immediately took attention to the fact that her name had been called. “It’s daddy, sweetheart. Hi. How’re you?” Jenna giggled and tried to reach for the phone, a gigantic smile on her face.

 You felt your heartbeat sputter at what you had just witnessed. It was the most precious thing you could imagine for the first ‘meeting’ between Matthew and Jenna.

 “Where do you live now?” Matthew asked, drawing you out of your thoughts. “The team has our bye week after the game tomorrow. I can visit you and Jenna during it.”

 “I’m in Yellowknife,” you said. 

 “Alright. I’ll get the first flight from Calgary to Yellowknife after the game.”

 You felt tears falling from the corners of your eyes. You wiped them away as you looked between Matthew and Jenna. Matthew noticed the tears and exhaled softly.

 “Our family is finally going to be together,” Matthew said, running a hand through his hair. “That’s a good thing, (Y/N).” You got too hung up on the fact that he said ‘our’ to respond. 

 If he really thought like that after having only known about his daughter for ten minutes, you were blessed to have Matthew back in your life.

[muertawrites]

take some time for social media decompression.

for those unfamiliar, mental illnesses are a lot like any other chronic illness - even with regular and successful treatment, there are good days and bad days. unfortunately, being constantly connected to social media the way many of us are doesn’t do much to aid when the bad days come around. studies show that increased social media usage stimulates our brains much like drug addiction, providing hits to our pleasure centers when notifications come in and causing withdrawal when they stop. 

today hasn’t been a good mental health day for me, and a big contributor to the weirdness i feel is due to my connection with social media, no matter how limited i try to keep it. in an effort to foster as much media mental health and positivity as i can for myself and my followers, i’m sharing a list of my favorite decompression videos / activities that i turn to on the days when depression and anxiety get the better of me. some of them are creative and interactive, others are entirely passive but still comforting, and none of them require any social interface whatsoever. 

turn off your notifications and put your phone somewhere that it’s completely out of reach. this time is for you to reset from all the bad things social media can make you feel. 

love, muerta ♥

happy videos:

things i like when i’m depressed - animation domination high def

everyone is lonely - animation domination high def

my greyhound tries fruits and vegetables - jenna marbles

let’s paint with string - jenna marbles

snow day at the oregon zoo - the oregonian

an entire youtube channel of relaxing cold process soap making videos - ophelia’s soapery

a library of every cartoon you could ever want to watch - watch cartoon online

chilled out activities:

ambient mixer : create your own ambient sound atmospheres and explore ones that others have made

old games download : a library of pc and console games ranging from the 1980′s to the early 2010′s

kid pix deluxe 4 : free download of the early 2000s computer painting software via old games download and archive.org

this is sand : colorful online sand art (they also have an app!)

city creator : website to build your own 8-bit city map

samantha’s scavenger hunt : a historical scavenger hunt with fun mini games (shoutout to @web-back-then for this link - i also recommend taking a browse through their archive!) 

hatfall : a super irreverent game where the entire goal is to get a falling hat on a little dude’s head (also available on steam and the app store / google play) 

[promptmaker]

Cloti Smut Prompts Part 2!

This is the second half of my Cloti smut prompt list. The first part of the list can be found HERE.    All Prompts came from my Fantasy Cafe Prompt list found HERE. If you are interested in any of the below prompts let me know and I will put pending by them if you wish. Crossed off prompts have been written.

29. Please, I need the distraction.              (Modern AU) Cloud comes to visit Tifa at her college. She was supposed to meet him at the front but she is not there. After no replies from texting her he decides to go straight to her dorm room. Using his own key for the room he enters and finds her studying intently with her headphones on. Tifa doesn't notice he is there. Sometimes she gets so focused that she loses all track of her surroundings. Rolling his eyes but smiling at her intense focus, he notices her tense shoulders and tight grip on her pencil. Knowing she has been overworking herself again, Cloud comes over and puts his hands on her shoulders. She jumps at first but relaxes once she sees it’s him.  He continues to rub her shoulders as she tells him what she’s been working on. He tells her she needs a break and urges her away from the school work. She reluctantly agrees and gets up to stretch. Cloud takes in her casual wear, taking note she is wearing one of his shirts. Noticing him staring she teases him and he teases her back, offering her another way to decompress from studying. She likes the sound of that and pushes him onto her bed for some fun.   (optional: Her roommate gets an eyeful when she barges in)   

3.  I can't believe we haven’t tried that before!   (I can’t believe that worked!) - Full DISCLAIMER: I have never been to New Orleans or Mardi Gras and am aware that this is a sensationalized version of it.        (Modern AU) Fresh off of a bad break up, Tifa’s friends, Jessie and Aerith, decide she needs to get out and cut loose. New Orleans is a short drive away and it just happens to be time for Mardi Gras. Tifa has never been so her friends are excited to show her the sights. Tifa is reluctant to get into the festivities at first, but booze and good friends really help her to cut loose so she decides to enjoy herself and have fun. A couple days in Tifa and Co.  are bar hopping. They are a bit tipsy and her friends decide they want to collect the beaded necklaces that are thrown to tourists.  For souvenirs of their trip. The easiest way to get them is by flashing (according to her friends anyway), but Tifa has been reluctant to try that.  That is  until they come across a local named Cloud who is handing out the necklaces they are looking for. Tifa is instantly attracted to him and in a drunken sper of the moment impulse, flashes him. Cloud is taken aback but is bemused by her but gives her the beads. Seeing her starting to get embarrassed at what she did, Cloud decides she is cute and offers to show her around. Tifa’s friends practically shove her at him and tell her to have fun (but to check in from time to time). Tifa sobers up a bit and the two have a good time exploring the city. When it gets late, they head to Clouds place where he offers to sleep on the couch. Remembering the purpose of this trip, Tifa tells him that that’s not necessary and the sexual tension building between them all night explodes as she leads him to bed with her.    (PENDING)

4. What if they hear us?  (Modern AU)                                                       Sick of neither of them making a move on each other, Cloud and Tifa’s friends conspire to get them together. The friends get the two to take time off and a pay to send them to a spa, not telling them that they signed them up for a couples massage.  Since it's already been paid for, Tifa and Cloud decide to go along with it. They spend the day there together getting massages together before ending up in a sauna, where they finally decide to make a move.    

5. Where did you have that hidden?  (Game or Modern AU)  Tifa and Cloud are really into role play. Lately a game they like to play involves “interrogation”.  For this game, Tifa is an AVALANCHE soldier restrained to a chair and being interrogated by Cloud playing a turk and dressed like Rude. Cloud will “integrate”  her until she gives the safe word. (Logarithmic Base 2 Ch.1)

OR

Tifa is the Turk interrogator and she is dressed as Reno. With an open shirt and goggles. Cloud is the AVALANCHE soldier but on a leash instead of restrained. Tifa leads him around the house and uses toys pulled from her cleavage to get the info she needs.       

9. Looks bigger up close.   (Modern AU)                                                    Tifa and Cloud first met in a chat room online where they became friends. After months of chatting online, they decide to give online dating a chance. Once a week they have a date through video chat and sometimes those chats lead to webcam sex. But now one of them is moving closer to the other so now real dates can happen. When the time comes to actually be physically intimate, they find that the real deal is WAY better.

10. Describe it to me. (Post-Game)                                                                While out on a delivery, Cloud is blind sided by bandits. One of them manages to hit him with a Blinding spell.  Cloud of course manages to fight them off but his vision is fading due to the spell and he has no more Recovery items on him.  He manages to walk his bike the rest of the way to Edge and someone escorts him home. There Tifa gives him Elixir but it will take time to take effect. So Tifa takes care of him until then. Runs him a bath and hops in with him to help him wash. Afterward Tifa gets him to bed and they attempt to go to sleep but Cloud is restless after the day’s events. So Tifa gets the idea to help him wear himself out. She will help him masturbate by describing things they have done and could do together.  (She gives him JOI basically)    

12. I missed your taste     (Modern AU)                                                          Tifa is a Succubus (decked out in leather) and replenishes her life force through sexual activity.  Lately she has found someone that she greatly enjoys replenishing it with, a man named Cloud. Unlike most men, Cloud is able to handle her and gives as good as he gets. One night, when she is in need of an energy boost, searches for Cloud and finds him relaxing on his rooftop apartment. When she greets him and asks if he is up for some fun he teasingly  plays hard to get.  Tifa takes it as a challenge and goes into full seductive mode and he quickly gives in.       

23.  I didn’t think that would get such a reaction out of you  (Modern or game AU)                                                                                                       Tifa works at a bunny club (a honey bee inn type place) as a bartender, server, and manager. The standard attire is a sexy bunny outfit (or whatever animal the writer prefers) and Cloud also works there as a bouncer. Due to her attire, she gets hit on a lot but it goes with the job and the tips are worth it. It also helps that Cloud keeps a watchful eye on her throughout her shift.  Whenever a customer gets too bold with her Tifa usually likes to think of a time when her and Cloud have fucked right where the rude customer is sitting.  Since Tifa is the one that closes, her and Cloud have the run of the place when its empty. Tifa also finds that although he is a professional, Cloud has a jealous streak. The more Tifa flirts or gets hit on, the more he gives it to her after hours.  Tifa’s favorite time to rile him up is on Fridays when they switch out the bunny outfits for lingerie. The more daring the outfit the better because all the extra attention is worth it just to see Cloud’s reaction when he sees her and for what he does with her after hours. 

16. I see you found my message   (Modern AU).                                     Cloud is smitten with a cute “Coffee Shop” worker named Tifa he meets in Amsterdam. To shy to talk to her, he writes down everything thinks about her in his notebook.         (Logarithmic Base Ch.2)

19. You want to do what!    (Modern or post game AU)                          Cloud and Tifa are on their honeymoon to Costa de Sol. They are staying at the resort there and are enjoying all it has to offer. One evening, while walking along the beach, they come to a blocked off section of it that was not advertised. That section is a nude beach. They give it a curious glance but don’t see anybody there. So they turn and continue their walk. But Tifa keeps thinking about it. She thinks of her friends who tease her for not being too shy to try anything daring and she thinks about how its just her and Cloud there so know one home would know. So that night in their room she suggested to Cloud that they should visit the nude beach at some point in their trip. He is not a fan of the idea at first but she tells him it could be a fun experience to reminisce about in the future and that it would be their little secret. Cloud relents and they go the next day. They get to the nude beach, still in their swimsuits but they gradually ease into it. Once they get used to the fact that no one cares, Tifa takes the plunge and strips down first before jumping into the ocean. Cloud as always, follows after her.  They enjoy the rest of their day there. Cloud notices some glances their way but doesn't care. They only have eyes for each other. Tifa decides she should reward Cloud for being a good sport (a cause she wants to) by sneaking off with him to a nearby alcove or empty lifeguard shack for some intimate fun.     

21.  Quick, while the kids are asleep!    (Game AU)                                       It has been a month since the last time Tifa and Cloud have had sex, though not for lack of trying. Between moving into a bigger place and with school done for the summer, the kids  are around a lot more now, and are constantly interrupting any intimate moments. But now is their chance. After a long day of moving furniture and setting up rooms in their new place, the kids are now tuckered out and in bed while Tifa and Cloud are enjoying the peace and quiet in their new backyard. They relax in lawn chairs by the fire pit until they make the startling discovery that there are now kids in sight and they are suddenly now full of energy. Tifa jumps Cloud in his lawn chair and a month’s worth of repressed sexual energy comes out at once. They do it with most of their clothes still on and the chair is destroyed but in the end, it is worth it.          (The gravity of falling stars)

22. Are those my boxers?    (Post Game)                                                  After the bar closes for the night, Tifa and Cloud have drinks and play cards together as they do every night. Getting tipsy, Tifa ponders whatever happened to Cloud’s dress that he wore to Corneo’s years ago. Cloud (lies) tells her it has long been destroyed. Tifa calls him on his bullshit and asks him what it would take for him to wear it again. Cloud drunkenly suggests she wear some of his clothes (A secret kink of his) and he’ll wear whatever she wants. They laugh it off and to bed.  The next night, they continue their ritual of drinks but Tifa tells Cloud she is going to get some of the good stuff from storage and disappears. When she returns, she is dressed in Cloud’s clothes (the ones from remake or whatever the writer wants). She asks him if he likes her outfit and he decides he loves the sight of her in his clothes and tells her as such. She pulls out the drinks and a deck of cards and asks him if he wants to see her out of them, So a game of strip poker commences. Who wins and how far they go is up to the writer but in the end they toss the cards aside and go at it in what little clothes they have left. When they finish Tifa once again asks Cloud where his dress is. He smirks at her and tells her he’ll get it out of storage.   

24. I am loving this new piercing  (Modern AU)                                      Cloud works in the video store or comic shop at the local mall. For the past few months he has been pining for the Tattoo artist, Tifa, in the  shop across from his. He loves to watch her work when days are slow but hasn’t had the courage to talk to her. Between her clients, the heavy metal always playing, and having several  tattoos herself, Cloud thinks he would be too overwhelmed to say anything if he did visit.  His coworker Zack reminds him that they are both getting tattoos there soon, so he will have to talk to her eventually.  Days later, Cloud and Zack are now at the tattoo parlor to get their new tattoos. This will be Cloud's first one.  He finally meets Tifa and she is way sweeter than he expected, while he gets his tattoo, he is still too nervous to talk much but he wants to say something so he blurts the first thing he can think of, that he likes her new navel piercing.  Tifa ponders out loud how he knows it was new when they have just met, Cloud about has a meltdown but Tifa just laughs it off and tells him she was teasing and that she knows he works just across the way from her. This wins him over and they become fast friends. Now he stops by her shop whenever he can to visit or to get a new tattoo or piercing. Tifa loves to tease him when she can too, whether it's giving him a look down her top as she gives him a new tattoo or lifting her skirt just enough to show him her thigh tattoo, his reactions are always worth it.  One night, as the mall closes, Cloud heads over to Tifa’s shop and helps her close up since her co-worker left early. As he helps out, Cloud makes note of Tifa’s back tattoo and asks her what it is (since the shirt covers most of it). As a reward for helping her out she tells him she’ll show him and takes him to the back room of her shop. She faces away from him and takes her top off, expecting him to be shy about it but when she looks back she sees a heated look on his face. This gets her going too as she asks if he wants a closer look and the two go at it (possibly on a spare tattoo chair). She is pleasantly surprised to learn he is not nearly as shy during sex and is happy to let him take the reins as he blows her mind. (Optional: She shows of her new tongue piercing too)   (PENDING)

26. You know me to well   (Modern AU)                                                      Tifa needs repairs done on her motorcycle, so she takes it into her favorite auto shop to be looked at by her favorite mechanic, Cloud. The two of them have been seeing each other in secret and have been trying to keep their relationship hidden from their group of friends. Cloud lets her go back into the garage with him as he works on the bike since he is the only one there at the moment. Tifa chats with him and checks out all the other bike/cars in the shop. Cloud takes a break from fixing her bike to show her a new model that has come in. Cloud shows it off and the sight of him with that motorcycle is a huge turn on for Tifa. To the point where she can’t take it anymore, Tifa makes sure his co worker Zack will be out on his lunch break for a while longer (they’ll never hear the end of it if he finds them). Cloud, noticing the state she is in, asks if she wants a “ride” on the new bike. Tifa is hesitant to defile such a nice bike so early so Cloud suggests Zack’s car that is in the shop at well. Tifa thinks thats acceptable and takes him over to go at it right on the hood.  (Perhaps leaving grease/oil stains for Zack to find later)

27.  I wanna try something from this book  (Game or modern AU)       Cloud has discovered Tifa’s hidden horde of trashy romance novels. He teases her about them at first but oddly finds some of them informative after looking through them. Never being that adventurous in the bedroom before, Cloud asks Tifa if they can try some of the things they do in the books. Tifa is more than willing to try anything with him. The books inspire them to try new positions and role-play. Their first attempts at role-play are cheesy and awkward but they get the hang of it and have fun.  But now they are much better at it.  Now they are trying out a scene from one of her books that they have been practicing for a while and even have props for it. What kind of scene is up to the writer but here is an example: Tifa and Cloud role play from a fantasy romance novel where a monster huntress falls for a werewolf and they have a secret rendezvous. Tifa is decked out in a corset “hunting” garb while Cloud has fake teeth and ears of a wolf. It's the first time he sees her in that get-up so he doesn’t even need to pretend to be ravenous for her. Tifa thinks the ears are cute and the teeth are hot. They play out the scene of a forbidden rendezvous where they both like it rough. When the scene is finished, they have a good laugh about their performance and head for the showers.

[nightwving]

i was tagged by @mollyweasly​ to answer these questions, tysm!! i did most of them the other night but got distracted and am posting them now lmao

1. on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? idk, i’ll say maybe a 7 or so? honestly i’m feeling pretty decent for the first time in a while

2. describe yourself in a hashtag? #ohfuck

3. if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? that’s tough... i would never want to actually subject anyone to the horror or doing that with me, but i guess either tom holland or sebastian stan??

4. if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? “a juxtaposed comedic disaster”

5. what’s one thing people don’t know about you? shit man i usually overshare pretty much everything, but i guess one thing would be that i got hit straight in the head by a golf ball while on a course with my parents when i was in middle school?? it came from way far out but miraculously didn’t seem to crack my skull or give me too bad of a concussion. my dad said it hit so hard that it sounded like it hit the pavement. now i have severe anxiety near golf courses and when things are flying near my head in general lmfao

6. what’s your wake up ritual? i check my phone real quick and then immediately go to pee and brush my teeth. depending on the day and whether or not i’d be late for class back when things were normal, i might shower lol. then either get dressed real quick and go to class or, these days, play video games or get on my computer

7. what’s your go to bed ritual? i’ll usually wrap up whatever i’m doing, make sure my fan is on, lock my door (when i’m at school), strip, take some melatonin, lay down, set my alarm, plug in and then get on my phone for a while until i (hopefully) get sleepy

8. what’s your favorite time of day? i love the evening around sunset or so but i also just love the night in general, especially when things get quiet in the am

9. your go to for having a good laugh? tiktok

10. dream country to visit? ummm... honestly canada 😂 or germany or something

11. what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? last spring i spontaneously won an award in the department that i work for at school because my friends insisted that i get one for all the work i do on the newspaper and for my work study and stuff. they had to work some stuff around because i’m not actually a major and that’s who the awards are for, but they all agreed to give it to me at the ceremony and i was NOT expecting it whatsoever. it was one of the most amazing moments ever especially since i struggle with finding a niche and having faith in myself

12. heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers!!

13. vintage or new? i love vintage but that shit can be hard for me to find

14. who do you want to write your obituary? probably a friend idk i feel like my family would say some dumb corny shit lmao

15. style icon? i have quite a few but slash or duff mckagan from 80s GNR would be a couple ok don’t judge me. and john bender from the breakfast club

16. what are three things you cannot live without? internet, my ps4, and friends

17. what’s one ingredient you put in everything? chili or garlic powder

18. what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? i don’t even make dinner for myself lmao but if i really had the motivation, probs stan lee, carrie fisher, and my tiny son josh bassett

19. what’s your biggest fear in life? being institutionalized against my will and/or death before i’m ready/feel like i’ve done something worthwhile.

20. window or aisle seat? depends tbh

21. what’s your current tv obsession? i’m not really on a kick with it right now, but i’m slowly making my way through the clone wars in chronological order.

22. favorite app? tiktok

23. secret talent? uhh... i guess a lot of people would assume that i’m not athletic because of my weight but i’m actually naturally pretty sporty and can still be when i really feel like it

24. most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? well i’ve tried to summon spirits in multiple different places, attempted to break into an asylum with my ex, done a pregnancy test with an old friend in a burger king bathroom... idk if those count as “adventurous” but that’s about all i got as of right now in my life

25. how would you define yourself in three words? eclectic, resilient, and real

26. favorite piece of clothing you own? my denim jacket

27. a must have clothing item that everyone should have? also denim jacket lol

28. a superpower you would want? i debate this often... i think shapeshifting would be cool but also telekinesis

29. what’s inspiring you in life right now? movies and stuff i guess

30. best piece of advice you’ve received? probably that it’s okay to do things at your own pace and to not be so hard on yourself when you aren’t doing things the same way as others

31. best advice you’d give your teenage self? wear some better fuckin clothes lmao

32. a book everyone should read? bruh idk i don’t really read anymore, harry potter i guess 😂

33. what would you like to be remembered for? being honest and real but also someone that would’ve been there for you, or to have a good laugh with

34. how do you define beauty? beauty is like something that fills you with wonder and a sense of life or something

35. what do you love most about your body? uh... i have nice legs i guess 😂

36. best way to take a rest/decompress? find something that distracts you and makes you forget about all the shit. get lost in another world in movies/music/etc or just laugh with someone about anything

37. favorite place to view art? i like seeing it in the studios at school when people are still working on it

38. if your life was a song, what would the title be? “somethin’ else”

39. if you could master one instrument, what would it be? ugh i would love to be a full blow pianist but i ain’t got the patience for that. i made it through a few periods of lessons throughout my life and three classes in college but i don’t have the capacity to do more than that. but i would also love to get even better with my voice. i’ve been taking classical lessons for the past couple of years but quit recently because of the anxiety that studio recitals and master classes give me. music major shit is rough

40. if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i have one janky one behind my right ear that i got when i was 16, it’s a bird. but if i wasn’t a fatass bitch, i’d like to get more in different places on my body

41. dolphins or koalas? dolphins

42. what’s your spirit animal? it used to be a coyote according to a quiz years ago lol but it’s probably something different now

43. best gift you’ve ever received? probs my shitty first car that my dad got me last summer. but it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing

44. best gift you’ve given? shit i can’t even remember. i love doing personal little gifts for my friends. ACTUALLY i’d probably say the playlist i made for my friend last christmas because listening to music late at night was our thing

45. what’s your favorite board game? secret hitler is the BOMB

46. what’s your favorite color? yellow

47. least favorite color? probs brown

48. diamond or pearls? diamonds

49. drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bitch, i’m broke

50. blow-dry or air-dry? air dry preferably but i’ll blow dry if i need to

51. pilates or yoga? neither lmao

52. coffee or tea? coffee unless it’s sweet tea

53. what’s the weirdest word in the english language? all of them

54. dark chocolate or milk chocolate? dark

55. stairs or elevators? elevators bih i got bad knees

56. summer or winter? winter, FUCK the sun

57. you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? potatoes

58. a dessert you don’t like? a lot of things, i eat like a picky five year old. but i don’t like anything minty

59. a skill you’re working on mastering? singing. but also design-y stuff and videography

60. best thing to happen to you today? i went on a short walk with my mom earlier and there’s always a man across the street from us who sits on his porch every evening and sings with his guitar. i love it

61. worst thing to happen to you today? sitting through my zoom class lmao

62. best compliment you’ve ever received? idk, just when someone has generally called me beautiful? that makes me feel really nice

63. favorite smell? i love the smell of cookies or brownies in the oven. i’m also weird af and love strange things like basement smell and gasoline. also sharpies

64. hugs or kisses? hugs probably

65. if you made a documentary, would it be about? idk probably something about a niche community/town or some cult-y shit

66. last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? avengers: endgame

67. lipstick or lipgloss? i don’t usually wear either very much but probably lipstick

68. sweet or savory? savory

69. girl crush? ana de armas or margot robbie

70. how do you know your in love? i feel like you’d do anything for that person even if it hurt you, and you think about them all the time and want to protect/be there for them

71. a song you can listen to on repeat? i usually avoid listening to things on repeat, but if i had to choose something... idk maybe africa by toto 😂

72. if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? probs someone like elon musk or bill gates to see what it’s like to be that fucking rich and successful

73. what are you most excited for about this time in your life? just enjoying it and maybe honing some skills with all this extra time. also watching some movies on my watchlist

i’m tagging @verafarmiga, @northuldrra, @tmhnks, @spaceoddly, @breaksfastclub, and anyone else who wants to do it!! but feel free to ignore or just laugh at my answers

[thanks--for--listening]

I’ll only hurt you (if you let me)

finally finished a BOP fic ayy i have so many more ideas and one that’s close to done but your validation will probably speed up that process. (also on ao3)

--

Helena Bertinelli didn’t cry. 

That had been her first lesson. When she’d arrived, it was just about all she could do. He’d sat next to her, told her you cry tonight, child, but tomorrow you take those feelings and you use them. Crying will get you nothing. Sadness will not help you. It is anger you want, anger you can use. She nodded her head, cried herself to sleep, then woke up with a fury she’d never felt before. As she began training, she grew to understand that he was right. Tears had their purpose, initially, but overall they were counterproductive, and she had a job to do. Crying in the face of pain would do nothing, so she vowed to never do it again, no matter how much she wanted to. And she didn’t. 

But damn if this didn’t hurt like a bitch. 

“Can you just get it out already?” She yelled behind clenched teeth. Lying on the couch, she wanted to close her eyes, but she didn’t trust the frenzy around her not to lose their shit if she did. It was like they’d never seen a bullet wound before. 

“I’m trying,” Harley said, “but I’m also trying to not kill you in the process, so if you could just stop yelling at us, maybe it would go faster.”

“I’d stop yelling if you all could stop being babies and get this fucking bullet out of my fucking thigh!”

“Okay, let's all take a breath,” Renee said.

“I can’t take a breath, because there’s a bullet in my leg and you’re all too stupid to take it out!”

“Hey, watch who you call stupid, Robin Hood, because I could always just take my PhD and go.”

“Fine, leave! I’ll do it my-fucking-self,” Helena grumbled as she tried to sit up. She felt hands on her chest immediately, saw Renee and Dinah on either side of her pushing her back into the couch. “It’s a PhD in Psychology, dumbass, that doesn’t make you a fucking surgeon,” she mumbled as she laid back down. 

“Okay, this is insane,” Dinah sighed. “Harley, stop being dramatic and just try and get it out. Helena, you gotta calm the fuck down, because we can’t help you if you keep trying to fight us.”

“Yeah, you gotta relax,” Harley said, and Helena’s face must have matched the way she felt, because Harley held both hands up. “I’m talking from a strictly medical perspective, here,” she added. “It’s harder to get the bullet out when you’re all tense like this.”

“Well excuse me if I’m having trouble relaxing when there’s a bullet in my fucking leg,” she said, and she felt Dinah’s hands on her shoulder again. 

“H, look at me,” she said, “ignore her.” Helena turned toward her, and she smiled, and even though Helena could tell it was forced, it still made her feel warm, somehow. Unless, of course, that was just her body fighting off the foreign invader in the form of the bullet that was still in her fucking leg.

“Woah, Crossbow,” Dinah said, and she wondered how she saw the anger in her without her having to say a word. “Eyes on me. What do you do to calm down normally?”

“She’s never calm,” Harley mumbled under her breath.

“Harley!”

“Well, it’s true!” 

“Just focus on the bullet wound, please,” Dinah asked her, and Helena could feel the exasperation coming off her. Somehow, by the time she turned back to face her, though, it was gone, replaced with a look that was both serious and calm, and just a little stressed. 

“I don’t know,” Helena answered her earlier question. 

“What do you do when we get back from missions, huh? What do you do then? To...decompress, or whatever?”

“I don’t know!” She yelled without meaning to. She felt and saw Dinah flinch, which made her more upset at herself than she was at Harley. “I listen to music, I guess,” she said in a much softer tone. 

Usually she didn’t mind silence, but she’d always had a soft spot for music. The men who raised her didn’t really do leisure time, but music had been their only exception. Sometimes they played it while they trained, anything from hip hop to Italian opera. Other times, usually when someone brought out a second bottle of wine, they’d break out the guitar and create it themselves. Outside of success in her training, it was the only thing that had made her feel anything but angry. 

“Good!” Dinah said, “That’s good. Where’s your phone? We’ll play some right now.” 

“Yeah, that might not be a possibility,” Renee said, and Helena forced herself to turn her head and look at the completely shattered phone Renee held in her hand. 

“That’s alright!” Dinah said in a tone that was way too cheery to be sincere. Helena looked back at her, saw her rummaging through her bag. “I’ll just play something from mine and—“

Helena gasped so loudly she felt as if she sucked the rest of the noise straight out of the apartment. The pain was blinding, white dots dancing around her eyes. “Jesus fucking Christ,” she felt rather than heard herself say, and she finally had to shut her eyes because everything was too much and she didn’t think she could even breathe let alone—

The hand in her own grounded her. “It’s alright,” she heard, and even though she knew Dinah was right next to her, her voice still sounded miles away. “It’s alright.”

She heard the others speak, but none of their words were clear enough to make out. Everything was muffled, like she was underwater and they were all on land. She could feel herself breathing, and she knew each breath was too short but she couldn’t stop it and the voices got louder and it hurt so bad, got it hurt so fucking bad and—

She stopped breathing when she heard her. Just for a second, before she forced herself to exhale. Her eyes were still shut but she didn’t need to see it to know what was happening: Dinah was sitting next to her, holding her hand, and she was singing. 

Helena didn’t know any of the words. She didn’t recognize the melody, either, but it didn’t matter. It was the most beautiful thing she’d ever heard. It was slow and soft and gentle. She could hear the phrases, tried to breathe along with it. Tears stung at her eyes but she kept them at bay. 

She kept her eyes shut, even as she heard Harley exclaim “I got it!”, the first words from her or Renee to break through her fog. Dinah stopped singing, and she forced her eyes open to look over at her. 

She was smiling, and if she hadn’t been lying there with an open wound, the sight would have been enough to make her smile, too. She tried to speak, but she didn’t trust herself to open her mouth and not let tears out, so she kept looking at Dinah, trying to thank her without words. 

“You see, if you had just calmed down when I told you to, that would have gone a lot faster,” Harley said as she began to stitch the wound, and as much as she didn’t want to take her eyes off Dinah, she forced herself to glare at Harley long enough to flip her off. 

“I’m gonna go check on Cass.” Helena’s face must have reflected her confusion, because Renee elaborated. “We locked her in Dinah’s room when they got here,” she explained. “I think you were too busy screaming every swear word known to man to notice.”

Oh. The thought of Cass hearing all that, hearing her pain and anger, brought her closer to tears than the bullet wound itself. Dinah had told her about when she’d first met Cass, about the foster parents who were always yelling awful things at each other, and now she’d had to listen to her do the same thing to Harley, to the others, and she had to look up at the ceiling because if she didn’t she was going to break her own rule and all that would do was make everything worse. 

“With the way she blasts her music, I’d be surprised if she heard any of it,” Dinah told Renee, but she squeezed her hand again as she said it, and Helena knew the words were meant for her. She tried to squeeze back, but the more she stared up, the more she felt the world spinning around her. She closed her eyes, and as soon as she felt Harley finish the last stitch, she drifted off to sleep. 

Her exhaustion didn’t stop the dreams. 

Every night it was slightly different. Sometimes she’d start in Italy, getting the shit beat out of her over and over and over again until she learned to fight back. Sometimes it was the bad stuff from After, the boys who made fun of her lack of skill at the start, the ones who mocked her smug reaction to shooting an arrow on target, because while she thought putting her archery lessons on display was impressive, they’d long since graduated from the childish bow and arrow. Sometimes she closed her eyes and all she saw was the scarlet fury that had spent over a decade festering inside her, and she woke up scared of how much she craved finding a release for it. 

It wasn’t alway bad. Some days she saw mostly good stuff. The days as a child where her mom used to braid her hair. Playing video games with her little brother in the basement, letting him win and not feeling bad about it. The boy in Italy who noticed that she never sang or danced with the rest of them, who found an old string base and taught her how to play so she could be a part of the group. Those days, though, waking up hurt more, because she knew that no matter how many times she closed her eyes, she could never truly go back.

Tonight was both different and the same. 

She sat at the bottom of the pool. Up above, she could hear her father yelling. He was always on the phone, always angry at someone, but down here it wasn’t so bad. Down here, she could see how long her breath would last, how long she could go without having to stick her head above water. Her long hair floated around her, and she liked the idea of it having a life of its own, moving with its own free will. 

The singing got her attention. It cut through the water, echoed against the walls and the pool floor, carried her up, higher and higher, until she left the pool and her house and the whole world behind. It took her up to the clouds, where she saw Dinah. She smiled at her, the one that made her feel weak inside in a way she didn’t mind. Helena noticed that she was herself again, the adult version, the version that got to know her. Dinah motioned for her to come sit, so she did, and they sat there on the clouds, looking down on the world below. The singing stopped, but it was replaced with a gentle kind of quiet. It was peaceful. It was comfortable. It was perfect.

“It won’t last.” She turned and saw Dinah staring right at her, a serious expression on her face. “You’re going to lose me just like everybody else. You’re going to lose all of us.”

She tried to speak, tried to protest, but the words died on her lips. She watched as the clouds slowly evaporated, as Dinah evaporated with them. She reached for her, but Dinah was ash and dust and Helena was painfully solid. The soft surface disappeared beneath her and she dropped, fell through the sky, through time itself. When she landed, she was twelve again, walking into her house for the very last time. She tried to scream but she couldn’t, she couldn’t do anything but watch as the bodies fell, all at once, motionless around her. She felt her parents’ weight on top of her, so heavy on her chest she could barely breathe. She saw red, had to close her eyes as someone’s blood dripped onto her face. She didn’t know whose it was, her mother’s or her father’s, but she knew it was warmer than both of them. 

Worst of all was the noise. The shots still echoed in her ears, ringing out even though she knew the shooting was over, knew because she still heard the shots but not the screaming. 

After a minute, the laughing started. She shut her eyes, begged God to kill her right there, because she didn’t want to hear it anymore, didn’t want to feel it anymore. Everything was too much, and she silently begged Him to let her go with them, to not leave her behind, but He was as silent as her family, and she knew then that He’d died right along with them. 

Suddenly an arm was on hers; an instant later she gasped as she woke up. She kept her body motionless but her eyes were frantic, wouldn’t stop moving until she remembered where she was. At home. On the couch. Bullet wound in her leg. Dinah next to her. 

Wait. She turned her head quickly at the realization and saw her kneeling next to her, hands still on her shoulder. They both noticed it at the same time, and Dinah moved them away quickly. 

“Sorry,” She said softly. “You were breathing really weird and your whole body was tense and I was worried you’d try and move or something and ruin your stitches.”

“Oh,” she said softly, her voice scratchy and hoarse. Dinah noticed, handed her a glass of water, and she chugged half of it before she added a weak “thanks.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She asked, and she said it so casually that Helena found that she was almost tempted to say yes. Instead, she shook her head. She wondered if Dinah would push it, would try and coerce information out of her, but she just nodded, and asked, “Does it hurt? Your leg?” 

“It’s nothing I can’t handle”. The memory of the dream was fading, replaced with reminders of what happened when she was awake. “How’s Cass?” She asked her. “Is she—I mean, did I—“

“She’s fine,” Dinah told her, and even when she was just talking there was something so soothing about her voice, something she almost couldn’t describe. “She’s just worried about you.”

“She shouldn’t worry,” Helena said quickly, “I’m fine.”

“She only worries because she cares about you,” Dinah said, and she could hear her surprise, her hesitation, in the inflection of her voice, heard it telling her to calm down. It didn’t work. 

“She shouldn’t.”

“Shouldn’t what? Shouldn’t care?” Helena didn’t answer, and she could feel the shift, knew that Dinah’s hesitation was turning into incredulity and confusion and pity. She hated that she knew what she was feeling. A person's emotions could be used to predict their actions, or so she’d been told. It was why she’d been forced to study them, to always know how to read someone’s face or body, how to hear words in their voice they didn’t say. But just because she knew what people felt didn’t mean she knew what to do with those feelings. Especially when they weren’t coming from an enemy she could fight.

“Helena,” Dinah’s voice snapped her out of her own head. “Why shouldn’t she care about you?”

She didn’t want to answer. She didn’t, but she was tired and angry and the fear from her dreams was lingering longer than it usually did, so she opened her mouth and confessed. “Because everyone who cares about me gets hurt.”

“That isn’t true,” Dinah said, and Helena felt the fear in her stomach growing, and she forced it down, because she knew that if she let it out, it would be anger who would rear its ugly head. It always was. 

“I won’t be the cause of any of her pain,” she managed to say. 

“You’re not.”

“But I will be. It’s inevitable.”

“You love Cass, and she loves you, so how could you possibly hurt her?”

“She’ll get hurt because she loves me! Don’t you get it?” She hated herself for raising her voice. Even if it only reached her normal speaking volume, it felt like she was screaming. 

“No, I don’t.” Dinah held her ground, shaking her head and staring straight at her. “Explain it to me.” 

“There’s a reason I was working alone before I met you guys,” she said, “and it’s not just because of my inability to play well with others. There’s no one left.”

“Helena,” Dinah said in that tone that she hated, the one that was all sympathy and pity. “What happened to your family, that’s not your fault.”

“Of course it’s not my fault.” She didn’t think Dinah was expecting that answer, but she didn’t give her much time to process it. “I killed the people whose fault it was. But it is a fact that every single person who’s ever loved me is dead. Except—“ she stopped herself, realized the confession that sat on her lips. 

“Except…” Dinah said, trying to prompt her to finish, and she wasn’t going to, she really wasn’t, but she made the mistake of looking in her eyes, and all of a sudden she was drowning all over again. 

“Except for you,” she said, then quickly added “and Cass. And Renee. And even Harley, even though she doesn’t always act like it. I know she does— I know you all do. I can tell.”

“So what, you’re just going to get us to stop caring about you?” Dinah asked. “That’s your big plan for keeping us alive?”

Helena just looked away. When she said it out loud, it didn’t sound as serious as it felt to her. Dinah had a way of exposing the illogical, and this was no exception. 

“Hey,” she said, and Helena felt a hand on her arm, and she turned to look at her. She wasn’t smiling, but there was something so gentle about the way she looked at her that it felt like she was. “I get it. I really do. But look at what we do, the line of work we’re in. Even if...even if something happens to one of us, it won’t be because we love you. I promise.”

“I—“ she hesitated. She knew that everything Dinah said made sense. She knew that, but she still saw the faces that haunted her at night, and she knew what it felt like to be completely alone in the world, and the thought of losing everything again…

“I just can’t risk it,” she finally told Dinah. “I can’t risk you. Any of you.”

Dinah was quiet for a long time. Helena just sat there, waiting for words she was sure would come. For her sake, she hoped Dinah would just accept it without making too much of a fuss. It would make everything easier. It would save her. Even if Helena would never truly get over it. 

“For the longest time,” Dinah finally said, her voice low and her eyes glued to her lap. “I only ever cared about one person. She was the only person in the world who loved me. And I lost her.” She looked up, waited until their eyes met before telling her, “I guess everyone who cares about me gets hurt, too. So really, it’s you who shouldn’t care about me.”

She felt as if time stopped. The thought of living a life where she couldn’t care about the woman in front of her was an impossible scenario. Dinah was everything that was good and beautiful in the world. She’d prepared herself to spend eternity loving her from afar. She’d do anything for her. She’d die for her, kill for her, but stop caring about her? 

“No.” She blurted out. 

“No?”

“No.”

Dinah waited a minute, before smiling slightly. “Okay,” She said. “Then how about we agree to care about each other? You put up with my pain, and I’ll put up with yours, and maybe we’ll find a way to protect each other from fate, or God, or whoever decided that we don’t get to be loved.”

“Okay,” She said softly. She was aware that they’d never talked this much before, at least not about feelings. Usually moments like this one freaked her out, but there was something about Dinah that made her feel calm. It was that calm feeling that made her ask, “What was that song you were singing? While Harley was pulling the bullet out?”

“Oh,” Dinah smiled, and if she could’ve seen better, if the only source of light hadn’t been the moon hanging right outside their window, Helena would have sworn the other woman was blushing. “Nothing. Just some song Cass wanted me to learn. She wants me to make these videos with her so she can get famous on some app or something. It’s not really what I’d usually sing, but I already told Cass I wouldn’t let her record me shattering stuff with my voice, so I figured this would hold her over for a minute.”

“You should sing like that more often,” she said softly. “It was beautiful.”

Dinah just smiled at her, and Helena felt herself melting. “You should get some sleep,” she told her. 

Helena nodded, but Dinah didn’t make any effort to move, and it was only then that she noticed the pillow and blanket on the floor next to her. “Why aren’t you sleeping in your room?” 

“Harley’s sleeping there.”

“Why isn’t she sleeping in my room?”

“Cass is in your room,” Dinah told her, and Helena didn’t get it, because she knew that Harley and Dinah and Harley and Cass had all shared beds before, and she tried to figure out why this time might be different, but before she could she heard Dinah laughing. “I volunteered to sleep out here,” she said. 

“Why?”

“I wanted to. In case you woke up and needed something, or you were in pain, or you know, something like this happened.” Helena felt the urge to look away, but she forced herself not to. “Besides, she continued with a smile, “based earlier today, we figured I had the best chance of not facing the wrath of Cranky Helena.”

“Oh, God,” she groaned, “I’m gonna have to apologize to Harley, aren’t I?”

Dinah laughed, trying to muffle the sound so as not to wake anyone up, and Helena couldn’t help but laugh a little too. She couldn’t remember a time where she’d laughed after a night like this one.

Their laughter died down, swallowed by the silence around them. Helena shifted, stared up at the ceiling, and she knew what she wanted to ask for, knew that normally she’d never actually do it, but there was something about the middle of the night that gave people bravery they didn’t have, so she kept her eyes glued to the ceiling and asked softly, “Can you sing it again?”

For fifteen seconds, Dinah didn’t make a sound, and Helena had an apology waiting on the tip of her tongue, but before she could blurt it out, she heard her. Her voice was soft, raspy almost, and quiet. She was singing just for her and they both knew it. This time, Helena listened to the words, listened and realized that the lyrics were a little bit tragic and a little bit desperate, that the music itself was low and high and everything in between, but when she closed her eyes, all she heard was Dinah. And she was beautiful. So, so beautiful. 

[ghoultyrant]

I've tried a few times to write Samus' pov before and I've had a lot of trouble. I feel like she is fairly inscrutable as characters go, being largely voiceless, and taciturn even when she does speak (not counting Other M). A lot of her dialogue is also removed from social interactions, being internal memos in scan logs. Idk. Maybe this is just me.

Samus as a character isn’t so much a cipher as an archaeological mystery.

The point of that comparison being that the Metroid series actually tends to tell a large fraction of its story through its environments, and does so quite well. Metroid II makes it clear that the endgame area is some manner of laboratory where the Metroids were apparently created, probably by the Chozo, but at some point control was lost. The laboratory is their nest because that’s where their existence as a species started, rather than the Metroid Queen selecting it as a good brooding ground for some other reason. Notably, the laboratory is unusually isolated and difficult to reach, even by Metroid II’s standards of travel distance, suggesting that the lab was deliberately cut off from the rest of the planet, and also probably explaining why the Metroid Queen didn’t wander off elsewhere to nest; she very possibly couldn’t.

In turn, this grounds a detail many players probably never questioned, but which is slightly odd on its own: that Metroids can apparently only grow into their Alpha and so on forms on SR388. As a consequence of natural evolution, this is certainly possible, but seems odd. But given that they’re clearly artificial, it’s easy to guess that the Chozo put that in as an artificial constraint; most likely the Chozo had plans for shipping them out to other worlds, and for some reason or another didn’t want them to change form once they were off the planet. (There’s a lot of plausible reasons for why they’d want this, but that’s a bit of a tangent)

Furthermore, this also grounds the Metroid Queen itself. Most players probably never question the fact that there’s literally only one Metroid Queen on an entire planet, because after all she’s the final boss. There’s obvious video game design reasons involved. But actually, it makes perfect sense in-universe: while fandom frequently assumes that any Metroid could potentially molt all the way to being a Metroid Queen, and that’s not an unreasonable assumption, it’s also entirely possible the Metroid Queen was one-of-a-kind because the Chozo carefully designed things so she’d be unique; that the Metroid Queen was built to be a Queen from the ground up, and is not supposed to be capable of producing more Queen-capable Metroids. That would be a logical thing to do to limit the damage in the event of a containment failure, and neatly explains why the planet has only one Metroid Queen even though Metroids themselves are running rampant across the planet.

Speaking of the Chozo and environmental storytelling, the fact that we saw their statues on two different planets back in the original trilogy was already a strong indication that the Chozo were a spacefaring species. Metroid Prime using scan logs to spell it out was a confirmation of an already-likely-true thing, not a state of canon invented by that particular entry. Again, I imagine a lot of players never questioned it because there’s game design reasons that are obviously applicable (eg that Chozo statues are frequently used to mark Important Power-Ups), but it’s extremely good environmental storytelling.

Anyway, that’s just some bits from Metroid II. Aside Other M and let me be brutally honest Samus Returns (I enjoyed it, but it mostly doesn’t try to do environmental storytelling, and probably-accidentally heavily retcons things, with the Metroid Queen’s nest no longer being set deep inside a laboratory being the most blatant example), the Metroid series does this heavily and constantly. The player is expected, if they care about the story and the world it takes place in, to look at the details they can see and make inferences.

And if they don’t care about any of that, it’s not intruding on their experience: they can just play a fun little game with blasting aliens and whatever.

Looping this back to Samus, though: yeah, we mostly don’t get Samus’ voice, both in a literal sense and in the writing sense. What we get is a ton of secondary information hinting at the kind of person she is, supplemented with concrete facts (eg that she was substantially raised by the Chozo), and then are expected to draw inferences.

As one of the more obvious examples: the first two games implicitly establish that Samus has to have a high degree of confidence in her abilities, or if she doesn’t she’s got a literally suicidal streak. She twice accepts missions to travel alone, deep into hostile territory, with the interstellar bounty hunter equivalent of nothing but the clothes on her back. Metroid II’s manual tells us that some elite corps of soldiers was sent to SR388 and never heard from again, and this didn’t dissuade Samus from going in completely alone.

This strongly implies she earnestly believes she can do the job when a literal small army couldn’t even survive: it’s not just that the Egenoid Star Marines failed at the mission, it’s that they were so completely out of their depth that none of them were able to escape the planet to report their failure!

Important and related is that starting from Metroid Ii it’s very normal for Samus to unambiguously have the option of just turning around and leaving. Her ship is on-planet, she uses it to leave at the end of a given game, and nonetheless she sticks each given mission out. She doesn’t encounter Omega Metroids and go ‘no, this is too dangerous, I’m out’. She doesn’t rampage across half of Zebes in Super Metroid and give up in disgust when she fails to find the stolen Metroid reasonably quickly. She doesn’t report the Space Pirates on Tallon IV to the Federation and leave them to clean up that particular mess while she goes to get a drink. Echoes and Fusion are the only games that actually trap Samus on-site temporarily to justify her ongoing presence, and even then if you bother to visit and scan her ship regularly in Echoes you’ll discover it’s ready for liftoff well before it’s time for the endgame, while in Fusion it actually doesn’t take that long to get back access to the Main Deck and thus her ship.

A lot of games that place a player character alone and far from civilization are very careful to explain that the player character was stranded in this strange place, and implicitly or explicitly sets the player character’s goal as escape back to civilization. The implication is generally that these are people who would never willingly inflict such a situation on themselves, and if they ever accidentally found themselves in such a situation with the ability to back out, they’d take it in a heartbeat.

Samus, meanwhile, keeps ending up in these situations and sticking them out. She doesn’t mind being alone with her thoughts for long periods of time.

It’s worth mentioning that the Japanese version of the original Metroid tracked how long you’d played, only your hours of play were presented as how many days Samus had been on Zebes. If you treat this ratio as canonical to all future games, which are generally designed so a first-time player will beat them in 4-20 hours... yeah. Samus has repeatedly spent several days or weeks in a row far away from civilization, and is just fine with sticking those situations out, and even inflicting them fairly spontaneously on herself if she has a specific reason for doing so. (eg she goes to Tallon IV in pursuit of Ridley)

Now, since this is inference there’s a fundamental ambiguity here. I personally tend to interpret Samus as being someone who finds socializing with her fellow sentients to be a stressful experience, such that going out into the wild for a week is a form of decompression and relaxation, but this isn’t the only plausible interpretation, and honestly I probably go to that interpretation because I don’t cope well with that kind of social interaction, rather than it actually being a better interpretation. One could plausibly interpret Samus as someone who, say, is actually fairly intensely social and just rates (Insert mission objective here) as more important than her own personal comfort. (In this interpretation, it would be assumed she instead decompresses from her missions by partying with her must-exist-in-this-interpretation large circle of friends) That’s certainly an excellent justification for her chasing Ridley in Metroid Prime, for example, and if we ignore Other M entirely I can’t think of a Metroid game that could be said to contradict that particular interpretation. (And Other M doesn’t count because it contradicts literally every other game on so many levels; if one game doesn’t fit while the rest are consistent with each other, you toss that one game as an inconsistency)

(Well, actually, another reason I take my interpretation of Samus is that she was raised by Ascetic Space Bird Monks, but then again plenty of people rebel against their upbringing. It’s perfectly possible to say Intensely Social Samus was driven crazy by the Chozo expecting her to be an Ascetic Space Bird Monk But As A Tiny Human, and even suggest that she takes being Intensely Social even farther than she would’ve otherwise as pushback against that whole thing)

BUT

While there’s room for interpretation and murkiness on details, Samus across the games has a fairly clear sketch of a certain range of plausible personalities. This range is also further reduced if we actually, for example, acknowledge Samus’ monologues from Fusion, which make it clear Samus concerns herself with the big picture (Suggesting that she sticks out her missions at least in part because often The Fate Of The Galaxy hinges on them kind of thing), and also seems to indicate (Consistent with her observed behavior), that Samus isn’t someone inclined toward negotiation as a problem-solving mechanism -that is, she doesn’t even countenance the possibility of trying to talk the incoming Federation goons into not trying to weaponize the X, going straight to ‘I need to make sure it’s not possible for them to try’- and that she’s got a bit of a philosophical streak to her, of exactly the sort one might expect of someone raised by Ascetic Space Bird Monks.

But even without the Fusion monologues, it’s not actually that hard to dig up a coherent personality for Samus, consistent with what we see across most of the games and compelling in its own right. It just takes a mentality that, while unusual for most writing/reading, is completely consistent with how the Metroid series prefers to convey its stories.

[sweetcatmintea]

Sacrifices - Part 2

Here’s part two of Sacrifices! I’m not the best at horror but I tried my best anyway! (I’ll proofread tomorrow to find all the typos) I hope you enjoy your time in space ^u^ Feedback is appreciated!

Part 1: Sacrifices

Words: 2198

~~~~~~~~~~

          The universe around the station radiated bright colour as they entered a new territory. Sensors beeped, sliding metal shutters to block out the intense light. Toby and Jules worked together, documenting and analysing the readings spat out rapid fire from the computer. Holly crunched the numbers. Calculating and recalculating their trajectory. Searching for new obstacles that may accompany the new terrain. Hasley and Miguel, overlapping their wake cycle for the information onslaught that followed every milestone, reported back to Earth headquarters. Noise and movement buzzed through the station, bulldozing the usual quiet peace.

          “Course still clear. Repeat. The course has not changed.”

          Miguel and Hasley parroted Holly’s words to the Earth team, alternating languages and repeating the message as many times as needed.

          “Readings are normalising. Light is beginning to fade.”

          “It looks to be coming int waves. Another strong wave is expected in 45 standard min-”

          A light flicker then black. Before panic could ensue, systems rebooted, returning life to the station.

          “What was that?” Toby was the first to speak. His eyes bounced off each surprised expression. Delirious panic ghosting their faces.

          “It was just a glitch.” Jules tried to laugh it off but their voice was hollow. There was no conviction. “I’ll run a scan and see if it’s the hardware or software.

          Miguel tapped frantically at the screen. “We’ve lost communication.”

          “Try to reboot it.”

          Hasley didn’t stop to look at Toby. Fingers flew across the keys, her words clipped. “That’s what we’re doing.”

          “Anything?” Holly peered over Jules’ shoulder, wringing her hands and trying not to shake. Jules bit their lip, nodding slowly.

          “It looks like one of the external wire clusters was damaged. I’m guessing that was more than just light waves… We’ll have to go out and fix it but that should get everything back into gear.” They pointed to the section on the station’s blueprints.

          “That doesn’t make any sense.” Hasley frowned. “Communication systems run through here,” she trailed her finger down diagonally, “Damage to that section shouldn’t have knocked out the video. We’d still, at the very least, have audio.”

          “There’s nothing wrong with there.” Jules brought up the reports for Hasley to see for herself.

          “Maybe it’s just bad timing?” Toby offered. “We were all surprised that the connection reached as far as it did. Maybe we’re just finally out of range?”

          A gloom of realisation weighed down the room. Screens couldn’t replace touch, but it was infinitely better to nothing at all.

          Holly refused to accept Toby’s proposal. “I’m sure it just needs a minute or two to cool down. When we fix the lights, everything will go back to normal. You’ll see.”

          There was a sequence of non-committal ‘yeah’s. No one wanted to disagree but an air of futility crept around their necks.

          “We can’t do anything until the light waves are less intense and we’ve had a chance to prepare for a spacewalk. Without immediate danger, I’m not risking lives if I can avoid it.” Jules ran calculations through the system as he spoke. “The earliest point the waves will be safe enough to engage will be in about… five hours.”

          “No way!”

          “You’re kidding?” 

          They’d have to wait five hours before they could repair the over-complicated life support machine?

          Jules sighed to themselves. “Afraid not. If we go out any earlier, the light will be blinding. Not to mention the potential radiation poisoning. The suits aren’t made for that degree of direct exposure. Sorry guys, we’re just going to have to hunker down and wait it out.”

          So they did. Miguel, Holly, and Toby headed to the living quarters, breaking out a board game with over-acted enthusiasm. As though winning was the only mission at hand. Hahaha our lives are on the line? Certainly not a problem when I can make ‘orbit’ in scrabble! Jules stayed with the instruments, running test after test on the systems. Nothing better to do, they killed time trying to suture the connection with Earth. Hasley, already close to the end of a wake cycle when the action started, headed to sleep. Might as well choose unconsciousness over anxiety. The station hissed and sighed, decompressing rooms to prepare the inhabitants for the walk. Only two would go but there was no room for error. All would be prepared.

          Seconds ticked by. Slowly. So slowly. Metallic ticks echoed in Toby’s mind. The thing about time, the more you’re aware of it, the more it drags. Each minute stretched longer than the last. He cracked his knuckles, stretching to spend just one more second. Holly fidgeted with her letter tiles. Arranging them and re-arranging them. Miguel bounced his knee. He bounced so much the table juttered along with him. Each time the stereo fell quiet, Toby put on another corny space song. He had saved so many of them, a muscle memory from faulty internet. The crew twitched and fidgeted with plastered smiles and exaggerated movements. Time ticked by slowly.

          As ‘All about that space’ wound to a stop, Toby momentarily left his tiles to switch tracks. Even if his friends were to peek, it wouldn’t make a difference. He was losing anyway. He punched letters into the stereo one at a time. Spending more seconds where he could. S – T – A – R - _ - T – R – E – K – K –

          An ungodly scream. Rabbit panic pause. Another scream. Game abandoned, they bolted for Hasley. Forgotten tiles crashed to the floor as Toby crashed through the door.

          “What’s wrong!?”

          Shaking, wide eyed, Hasley scrunched herself against the wall. Blankets pulled tight over her shoulders in a white knuckled grip.  “I – I.. There w-was s-s-something there!” Her eyes glued to the corner of the cell. Holly slapped the light on, searching for what Hasley had seen. The area was too cramped for hidden shadows.

          Toby tried to coax her out, to calm her down. “You had a nightmare Hasley.” He said it as gently as he could.

          “I was awake.”

          “There’s nothing here. You probably didn’t realise you - ”

          “I. Was. Awake.” She glared at him, gritting her teeth hard enough to give herself a headache.

          Toby raised his palms placatingly. “Okay. Okay. You were awake. There’s nothing here now, so come to the living quarters with us. Play some scrabble and get your mind off it.”

          She looked like she wanted to argue but couldn’t find a good enough reason. Holly offered her hand, leading her back to the living quarters. Miguel, Jules, and Toby exchanged glances. What was that?”

          “I’ll check around, just in case. You guys make sure Hasley is okay. I needed to stretch my legs anyway.” Jules waited for confirmation before walking away, poking into nooks and crannies as he went.

          ~~~

          An hour passed. A tense, slow, hour. Jules’ search was inconclusive. Like they thought, there was nothing there. Hasley perched herself on the couch, watching the others play. Her face was pallid, unable to shake her distress long enough to pretend everything was okay. She knew she saw something. Jules returned to checking the numbers. There had to be an answer in them somewhere. The station continued its quiet ruminations.

          Another hour. Scrabble to dominoes to Uno. Anything to maintain normalcy. Boredom and anxiety mixed, creating a palpable static in the air. Every lull as a song faded, Hasley stiffened. Listening for something other than silence. Something that wasn’t there. Lights flickered but stayed on. Each time, the teams’ laughter got a little louder. A little more forced. Just a little longer. Toby pretended he couldn’t hear feint clicks starting and stopping at random. He pretended his mind wasn’t starting to warp shadows into faces as the what ifs grew. Pretending there wasn’t a twisting claw in his guts that they wouldn’t get out in time.

          ~~~

          Eventually, after too many insufferable hours, Jules reappeared. “The waves are manageable. We can go out.”

          Holly all but jumped at the opportunity, slamming her hands on the table and sending cards flying. “I’ll go!”

          Jules nodded, looking to the others for the second walker.

          “I won’t. I can’t really…” Hasley trailed of, uncomfortable in her vulnerability. She couldn’t concentrate right now. Holly looped a sympathetic arm around her. No one could blame her.

          “Unless Toby wants too.. No? Okay. I’ll go.” Miguel joined Holly suiting up for the trip out. Toby positioned himself as the look out, monitoring their safety from within the station.

          Jules briefed the walking pair on the repairs they needed to make, before returning yet again to the control centre, tailed by Hasley. They had to ensure the soft and hardware synched properly.

          Alone again, Toby watched as his friends climbed out of the airlock hatch, taking floating steps onto the shell of the station. Holly took the lead, as was her prerogative, crossing the distance as quickly as the universe allowed. Miguel followed, more carefully, tethered to her by a long, long cord, grounded to the station with another. Toby held his breath as they reached the damaged panels. They anchored themselves and got to work.

          “Progress report.” It wasn’t necessary this early, but Toby couldn’t help asking.

          Miguel gave a thumbs up to his approximate location. It was harder to tell where he was from the outside. “All’s fine mama hen. The damage is minimal. We should be finished relatively quickly. All this waiting for a fifteen-minute repair job, honestly.”

          “Good. Of course. That’s what I expected from you.” Toby stumbled over himself. It would be over soon. His brain was flooding as relief crashed against a cliffside of fear.

          Holly laughed at him. He could feel her rolling her eyes. “Riiight. That’s why you needed to check up on us. We’ll be done sooner if y-”

          White noise blasted through the radio. Toby tore off the headset, flinging it across the room. It hurt so much! His ears were ringing. Another screech and the lights died. Pure, unadulterated dark smothered the station. Toby pressed his face to the window. Nothing. Void so deep it burned into his retinas like an after image. Miguel and Holly were meters away but gone. Swallowed by the black. Toby launched himself at the headset. The world spun. Vertigo and motion sickness made blended roadkill of his organs. His mind caught up with his body, floating blind. Who the hell turned off the gravity simulator? Pressure bumped against his outstretched hand as the headset floated back to him.

          “Hello. Hello. Holly, Miguel, are you okay?”

          Silence.

          “Repeat. Holly, Miguel, are you okay??”

          Nothing.

          “What’s going on!? Hasley, Jules?? I can’t reach Holly or Miguel!”

          Nothing.

          Nothing.

          Nothing at all.

          Toby was panicking. Hands clammy, shaking, cold. Breathes short, fast, too shallow. And then, a break. Slightly less nothing. Slightly less again. A slow glow crept along the edges of darkness, waves of light starting again. He thanked his gods, whoever would listen, racing to the window. He could signal for the walkers to return.

          Except he couldn’t.

          They were gone.

          Just a frayed tether floating outside. No! No no nononononono! This couldn’t be happening! He peered out, straining his eyes to find them. A sign of them. Anything would do. A dot would be enough. He’d suit up and bring them back. There’s no way they could have travelled far yet. He just had to find them.

          He couldn’t.

          They were gone.

          A strangled sob escaped him. What was he going to do? He needed help. He needed Jules. A single rational thought.

          Toby was on his back. Coughing. Trying to force air into his winded and wheezing lungs. The dull thud continued ringing through his body ling after his head connected with the floor. He groaned, reaching to touch the throbbing pain. His hair was sticky. He had to get up. His head was swimming. He was going to be sick. He had to get up. But he couldn’t move. Light trickled around him, like a full moon on a clear night. Objects were given monochrome form. Blurry indications of something as opposed to nothing. Tears or injury, he didn’t know. Silence prevailed. No corny music. No friendly banter. No blood curdling screams. The loudest silence he’d ever heard. His brain was too fast and too slow and he couldn’t think. Chest heaving, he panicked. Alone in the universe with a cruel peace and gentle darkness settling around him. So very alone. Nothing but his snared jackrabbit heart moving.

          Clickclick Clickclick

          The one thing worse than silence where there should be noise, is noise where there should be silence. Rhythmic clicking. Nails on metal. Getting closer? Further? It echoed around and around. Toby hauled himself up, pushing himself into the corner of the room. Hiding. Jostled ticks and clinks. Closer. Definitely closer. Like keys or dog tags. Sweat trickled down his neck. He couldn’t stop shaking. Hot breath under the door. Pants. Snarls. Growls. It was coming. A shadow melted through the door. Long. Canine – once. Not anymore. Too long. Too big. Too tangible. It wasn’t until she was standing over him Toby realised.

          They found Laika.

          She was alive.

          She made the ultimate sacrifice.

          Thrown away.

          She was not looking to forgive.

----------

Tag list

  @inkovert, @snobbysnekboi, @kainablue, and @i-rove-rock-n-roll. 

[eclecticminded]

Valentines

So I’m on my lonesome for valentines as every year before, and decided to write something really short about how different characters would react to you never having a valentine if you were dating them.

Olivia Benson: Would find out last minute she doesn’t have to work all night and quickly scramble together a good home cooked meal to share with you and Noah. Noah would have made you both cute cards in art class. After Noah was in bed you’d cuddle on the sofa with a cheesy movie and wine, discussing romantic future plans to make up for lost time.

Alex Cabot: Would take you to the little restaurant you had your first date at. The restraunt didn’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day, so she went before hand and set up the table herself with flowers and candles. She even made sure to get the table you first sat at together, that you always sit at.

Melinda Warner: Would take you somewhere nice, somewhere you can both dress up. You’d both wear nice clothes and eat over priced but tasty foods. Afterwards you’d still be hungry and go on a late night run to a diner, still dressed up.

Casey Novak: Would keep it low key, she’s not one for anything too showy. The day of, because it’s during the week, she’d order in your favorites. But that weekend, the second she was out of court, you two would leave on a no work calls weekend in a cabin.

Carmen: Would be genuinely heartwarmed at the flowers you sent to her asking her to be your first valentine. She’d get her work done and take off a little early. There’d be a good home cooked meal waiting for you at home. The whole room illuminated with candles and Christmas lights, romantic songs playing softly in the background.

Nick Amaro: Would go all out, wanting to always spoil you in every way. Maria has Zara so hes free. He took off the day after Valentine’s Day to make it a two day affair. He’d rent a nice room at a hotel and put rose petals and fake candles everywhere. The two of you would go on a big romantic dinner in a rented car and come back to champagne and strawberries. You’d forgive him for working so much overtime, because now it made sense.

Rafael Barba: Would be sure to get off work on time no matter what, in fact he left shortly after Carmen did for her date. He’d bring you home flowers and chocolates. You didn’t think he’d plan anything so you’d be relaxing and planning on ordering in. But he surprises you with tickets to the broadway show you wanted to see and reservations at a new restaurant.

Sonny Carisi: Would have to work of course, but he’d manage to get home at a decent time and cook you the perfect dinner. That weekend he’d take you somewhere you could be just the two of you, and wine and dine you until your heart overflowed with love.

Fin Tutuola: Would want to stay in, but he’d make it special. He’d order in steak and baked potatoes to be delivered, but the small cake he made himself with guidance from Sonny. You two would curl up on the sofa and play video games, trading wins for kisses.

Amanda Rollins: Would have her hands full with two kiddos, but between the two of you there would still be a nice meal. Jessie would have made cards for you two and signed for Billie. After wrangling the kids to bed, you’d relax with some wine and snuggles. Decompressing from the day.

Mike Dodds: Would be godsmacked that you’d never had a valentine. You’re everything to him and he can’t believe it! The whole week would be a romantic affair; dinners, movies, flowers and edible arrangements. On a warmer night he’d take you on a carriage ride. The actual day of you two stay at home taking a long bubble bath together and slow dancing.

John Munch: Would keep it low key, candy and some flowers. He’d complain it was a corporate holiday for money purposes only, he didn’t need a special day to show you how he felt but by god that night he cooked you dinner and pampered you hand and foot, deciding maybe he should take care of you the way you do for him.

Nevada Ramirez: Would go all out like Nick, fancy dinner at the best place he could find. Roses and jewelry and candy. He’d pick you up directly from work and spoil you to no end. No work tonight, it’s all about you. He’d of course deny it if anyone asked, but he had a soft spot for you.

Jonas Nightingale: Would have no real means or desire to do anything. But seeing you get teary eyed, he’d sneak out and steal flowers from a nearby yard. He’d scrounge some money together for a cheap fast food meal and candles. It isn’t much, but it still makes you melt that he put forth effort.

Edit: I can’t believe I forgot Peter Stone. It’s cause he’s still in timeout. Lol

Peter Stone: Would almost forget. He’s had a big night planned for weeks but gets his days all confused. At the last second he comes rushing home, roses in one hand and wine for later in the other. He takes you to a quiet dinner at a small diner he knows you love. Afterwards, he takes you to an indoor batting cage and teaches you how to play, using it as an excuse to be be close. Once home in cozy pajamas, you cuddle with wine and ice cream.

Edit: Frederick Chilton. Haven’t watched Hannibal yet but I tried.

Frederick Chilton: Would go all out, finally something he doesn’t have to live up to others memories of. You’d never had a valentine and he could blow it out of the water. You’re not sure how he did it, but he not only woke you up with breakfast in bed, but also had roses all over your bedroom when he woke you with a kiss. At work he had an Edible Arrangement and balloons delivered. He took you to lunch, and you came back a little tipsy but no one noticed. After work he met you with roses, jewelry, and a teddy bear, he took you to the most upscale place he could afford, it was a private dining experience like no other. Back at home he melted at the dessert you’d secretly made and the present you’d bought him. His only competition was out doing himself, and you made use she knew that.

If you want to see anyone else, just ask. Any fandom I’m in. 😇

[mythicalsecretsanta]

Take Me Home (T)

This gift is for: Griffin (AKA @siirenwavves)

Request was for college/pining Rhink, so I wanted to make sure I did as much of that as possible! Rated T, super soft and fluffy as well. I really hope that you enjoy!

From your Secret Santa, Ally (AKA @maybe-mythical) :)

Link to AO3 or read below:

Link stormed into the dorm room, startling Rhett who was playing video games. After jumping at hearing the slamming door, he looked at his roommate who had made his way to his bed. Link was laying on his back, hands over his face, shielding himself off from the world. Rhett knew everything about his best friend for nearly his entire life, and could tell from his labored breaths that a panic attack was about to begin. He hated seeing Link in such an agitated state, and it was even worse if he let it intensify.

“Hey, bo, what’s going on?” Rhett put down his controller and began making his way to the edge of Link’s bed. He went to put his hand onto Link’s arm to comfort him, but paused. Would that be too much? Would Link pull away? Instead he just rested his hand on his own thigh and said , “Come on, talk to me.” The only response was the brunet slowly shaking his head. When his hands lowered, Rhett could see his eyes were watering. Link wouldn’t let himself go completely. He wouldn’t cry, not yet, but he was on the edge.

Seeing Link like that broke Rhett’s heart. He knew his best friend struggled with his anxiety, especially with finals week approaching, and all he wanted to do was take away his pain. He always tried to rationalize the deep care he had for Link as being brothers, closer than friends, but if he was being honest with himself, it was more of a love than he could ever admit to, even to himself. Looking down at Link’s pronounced cheeks, his soulful eyes, his slender frame, left him thinking and feeling things that he shouldn’t. Not for another man. Not for Link.

His thoughts were interrupted by Link’s voice. It broke slightly as he whispered “This place is going to be the end of me. Three papers, so much reading, I just feel like I’m so behind and I can’t catch up. I’m drowning here,” he paused to swallow, shaking his head again, “I’m just so overwhelmed. Can I really do this?” Link’s expression remained dark and pained. Rhett felt the guilt rising in him. The only reason they were becoming engineers and having such a heavy workload was because of his father. Because he didn’t believe in their dreams of film school. Because Link would follow along with whatever Rhett did, until the end. He tried to push those feelings away in order to be there for Link, no matter what.

“Come on, let’s go,” Rhett responded, patting Link’s shoulder. Bewilderment was all that looked back at him. “Didn’t you just hear? I have way too much to do man and if I don’t get started now there’s not way that I’ll finish and I can’t fail these papers, I won’t be able to recover from-” Link ranted, his face turning flush with all the words spewing out of him.

“Stop. Breathe. And come with me. I’ve never steered you wrong, yeah?” Rhett cut him off. He knew he couldn’t let Link stay and obsess over this, how easily he would and how much he would drain himself. He needed to get him out. Get him somewhere safe. Somewhere he would be able to decompress and feel like himself once again. Where Rhett wouldn’t have to feel the guilt of his fathers decisions for both of them. Link laughed back, “You don’t want me to answer that,” adding with a slight smile, “but sure. Anywhere is better than here right now.”

Rhett leads him to the parking lot, and into his Dodge Dynasty. Link hesitated before grabbing at the handle. “Really not gonna tell me where we’re going?” he asked, his eyebrows slightly raised, voice soft. His question was met with laughter and an offhanded “not a chance.”

After getting in the car and buckling his seatbelt, Link looked over at the tall man in the driver seat. The person who knew him best in the world. The person he trusted most. The person that, he was too terrified to ever admit aloud, that he loved. Sunlight shone on Rhett’s dirty blond hair and made his eyes sparkle. Link licked his lips, it was a sin, it was wrong, it shouldn’t be happening all echoed in his mind, but that didn’t stop how desperately he wanted to lean over and kiss his best friend.

Rhett glanced over and made quick eye contact with Link before they both averted their gaze, unsure. As the car started and Merle began playing, Link began humming softly along with the melody. The sound reverberated all through Rhett, landing squarely on his heart. He took a deep breath, trying to quell his desperation for the other man. His best friend. His brother. His love? No, it couldn’t be. That would be wrong, and Link could never want the same. He couldn’t risk pushing away the one person he cared about the most. As they got on the highway, Link spoke again, interrupting Rhett’s thoughts.

“Hey, I’m sorry for freaking out a bit back there. This is just so hard sometimes, you know?” Link said quietly, fidgeting with his hands like he always did when he was nervous. Somehow, even at six foot one, he looked so small in the passenger seat, slumped over and nervous. Rhett gave an empathetic glance towards him and replied, “I know man, and I’m sorry that this is all my fault. I’m sorry that we’re not in film school like we wanted. That I couldn’t stand up to my dad and change his mind. That-”

This time it was Rhett’s turn to be cut off. “Don’t,” Link said, sounding more assured than he had all day, “I’ve never doubted that whatever we did, we would do together. Blood oath, brother. I haven’t forgotten.” Rhett felt appreciation emanating throughout himself for his friend. “Of course,” was all Rhett could reply, “together.”

Merle’s voice took over once again as the two young men drove down the highway. A large sign reading “Buies Creek” pointed them in the direction of their exit. Rhett turned the car and continued on. “We’re going home?” Link asked, curiously. They hadn’t been back home in some time, but he wasn’t sure why they were going there now. What else would they be doing in Buies Creek? Did Rhett really think that right now Link needed his mommy? “In a way,” Rhett replied.

Any agitation Link had felt at the direction they were headed faded when Rhett turned off the road that would have lead them to his house. Instead they were taking a road just as familiar, but felt even more safe. “We’re going to the river,” Link said, more of a statement than a question. Rhett just smiled, “Told you, we’re going home.” Both of them knew, that the Cape Fear River was their safe place, the spot they always went when they needed time, just for them. If home is where the heart is, the river was without a question their home.

Rhett parked the car at the edge of the river and exited the truck with Link following right behind. “Looked like you could use a swim,” Rhett stated, already taking off his shirt. They both began to undress, each stealing glances at the other’s long and lean body. Admiring thin waists and long limbs. Slight tans and toned chests. They only allowed themselves to look for an instant at a time, a millisecond. Too fearful of the other catching them, of liking the image a little too much and making it obvious. Both not knowing that the other was feeling and wishing for the exact same thing.

Once they were undressed, they ran into the cool water like they did when they were in high school, splashing and playing and laughing. They talked about how they had thought high school was stressful and laughed. “Remember when getting a girlfriend was our biggest worry?” laughed Rhett as he swam nonchalantly near Link. “I remember when your biggest worry was that crush you had on Melissa Hood,” teased Link, reigniting the fight Rhett had with his older brother years earlier. “I did not like her!” Rhett swam closer to Link as he spoke.

“You totally did,” Link replied, playfully pushing Rhett as he approached. This led to more accusations, splashes and pushed between them. Even play fighting came easy to them. Rhett was relieved and intoxicated by Link’s laughter. His friend looked beautiful with his hair soaked by river water, chest glistening with reflected sunlight. It was almost too much for him to take, his heart swelling with each laugh, each glance, each move. Eventually, Rhett just decided he was going to go for his signature final move.

“Well, I’m dead,” he said, monotone, starting to push his body onto Link in the water. “Come on, in the water?! You trying to drown me?” Link laughed, trying to push the tall man off of him. They tussled for a minute or two until they were left breathless and grasping at each others upper arms. They both grew silent as their eyes met with a palpable electricity igniting between them. There was a pull, an immediate magnetism that took over. You could ask either one of them who leaned in, who initiated what was about to happen and neither would be able to say.

Their lips met and it was an explosion inside Rhett’s chest. Years of wanting, waiting, fear and love permeated from every fiber of his being. He poured himself into the kiss, closing his eyes to completely immerse himself in the moment. Feeling Link kiss him back, he grew bolder. He wrapped one arm around Link’s lithe waist, the other found its way into his hair, drawing his body even nearer. A soft moan escaped Link’s lips as his hands met behind Rhett’s neck. Link couldn’t believe this moment was real. All of the fear and trepidation he had felt deep within himself melted away against Rhett’s passionate kiss.

It could have been a minute. It could have been an hour. Time stood still and time exploded around their kiss. Walls crumbled. Fear dissipated. All that was left was the love that had been growing in both of their hearts for years. As they drew apart, their eyes met once more.

“How are you feeling?” Rhett asked, knowing the layers that the question had.

“I feel much better,” Link replied, pressing another kiss onto Rhett’s lips in confirmation, “I feel like I’m finally home. Thank you.”

[mentallyunstableunicornwrites]

Heated Kiss

Yuuri sighed as his husband pressed his fingers into the muscles of his shoulders. Viktor was a master at coaxing even the worst knots out of Yuuri’s shoulders and neck and quite honestly Yuuri needed it. They were three weeks into postseason and Yuuri had taken to video game marathons in their living room as if it was his new job. Of course this came with a fair amount of junk food, a terrible sleeping pattern, and the worst posture that Viktor had ever seen from someone. Yuuri had a habit of cocooning himself in a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor and disappearing for days at a time.

Normally, it wouldn’t bother Viktor. He had his fair share of ways to unwind after a particularly trying competitive season. Normally, it would include spending time out of the country with Chris on vacation in some far flung and ridiculously warm locale with views and room service. This year, however, things were a little different. Chris took Phichit on his retreat and Viktor was not going to intrude on that budding romance. That meant that Viktor was on his own to decompress. The only issue being that it felt more like there were ants crawling under his skin as they days passed and he was left to his own devices.

Sure there were plenty of ways he could decompress, but spending time with Yuuri always seemed to help him relax the most.The problem was that Yuuri would not focus on him rather than the game and that was starting to bother Viktor. He had tried everything that he could think of to draw Yuuri’s attention away from the game. He walked around the house wearing that one pair of pants that he knew made Yuuri drool all over himself. He cooked Katsudon with help from mama Hiroko over skype. He had even attempted to play the game with Yuuri until he became too frustrated with his lack of skill. Nothing that he did seemed to help drag Yuuri away from his game. It was Viktor’s hope that with a massage, perhaps he could manage to get Yuuri to pay attention to something other than the TV screen.

To his credit, it seemed to be working. In between matches Yuuri let his controller rest in his lap, head fell forward with a soft sigh as Viktor pressed into the curve where his shoulder met his neck. The moan the fell from Yuuri’s lips came involuntarily. That didn’t mean that it had any less of an effect on Viktor as his cheeks pinked in response. It wasn’t long before Yuuri was groaning his disapproval of Viktor moving his hands from Yuuri’s shoulders and placing them on his waist instead, thumbs drawing nonsensical patterns on his hip bones.

Lips replaced Viktor’s hands and Yuuri pressed into the touch, lips falling open as Viktor’s teeth pressed lightly into his skin. Yuuri’s hand reached behind him and wound itself into Viktor’s hair encouraging him silently to continue. Yuuri tugged lightly pulling Viktor forward so he could turn back to press his lips against his husband’s hungerly.

Viktor smiled into the kiss, gripping tightly at Yuuri’s waist as if it were an anchor. Finally some attention, some much needed attention from his amazingly talented husband. Viktor became putty under Yuuri’s movements as the man quickly flipped himself around so he was straddling Viktor’s legs, pressing into him with need.

The air around them was charged as they reconnected with one another. Viktor had missed this, had missed him. It was a funny thing the ability to miss a person who was in the same room as you. Yet, here he was finally reconnecting with a man that he had sat next to for three weeks.

“Bed.” Yuuri whispered as he pulled away. Viktor could only nod dumbly and follow his husband’s command. Yuuri grabbed Viktors hand and pulled him towards the bedroom door. Life and love, the two things that Viktor was missing from his life for so long, embodied in this one man who he was now proud to call his husband.

As they crossed the threshold Yuuri closed the door behind them before pushing Viktor against it, lips pressing hungerly against Viktors own threatening to devour the man whole. He moaned into the kiss raking his hands through Yuuri’s hair and tilting his head just slightly so that they fit together a little better. Yuuri’s hands slipped under Viktor’s shirt and gripped tightly at his hips pulling the man’s body closer.

Viktor could feel everything in the kiss, Yuuri’s devotion, his lust, his need as it consumed him. Yuuri took Viktor’s bottom lip between his teeth and tugged gently eliciting another moan. Viktor pressed into Yuuri determined to take what he wanted. The smaller man gasped a little as Viktor wound his arms around his body and pressed them flush together. He pressed Yuuri backwards until they reached the bed, falling together unceremoniously onto the mattress… and Makka.

The dog let out a yelp in surprise as his owners landed on him. Yuuri started laughing, pinned between the poor pooch and his husband. Viktor cooed words of apology before helping Yuuri off their fur child. Makka huffed as he jumped off the bed and stood patiently in front of the door to be let out. Viktor obliged. When he looked back at Yuuri they both fell into a fit of giggles, the moment lost but not forgotten. Like most things between them, the imperfect was what made their relationship so perfect to begin with.

Oh my goodness... that is it, 20 kisses. I am so sorry it took so long for me to get this one out. I was trying so hard to keep it in the T rating zone but my dirty mind kept trying to push it into something else!!!!

I want to thank a few people, first of all I need to send out a HUGE thank you to both @inlovewithyoi and @littorella for putting up with me through this process. Thank you J for getting over some major writers blocks and always encouraging me to keep going even when I was sure that everything I was writing was total crap! Also to Allie, the artwork that you made for me is beyond amazing and I am thrilled to have gotten the chance to meet you and talk to you over these past few months. You asking me if it was ok to do some artwork for my story totally caught me off guard but happened at a moment when I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to finish this project at all.

I also want to thank each and every person who took the time to read through all 20 kisses. You guys are really the reason that I keep writing because without you it would just be words on paper. Every person who wrote a review or hit that kudo button, you are the real champions in my life. Thank you so much!

I hope that you will continue to support me and my other projects! Thank you so much and don't hesitate to send me a message. I don't bite, promise, and it really makes my day! 

See you Next Level!