#like if your parents raised you on the idea that trans people are Scary and Bad or whatever

[the-kneesbees]

omg transphobic kid had a civil conversation with trans kid AND asked for their pronouns?? character development

[cr-pplepunx]

i, a 19 year old disabled trans man at 11 weeks of pregnancy, am scheduled for a surgical abortion tomorrow at 2pm.

i suppose i just wanted to speak on my experience.

i am scared

i am sad

i am grateful

and i am sure

**massive trigger warnings for mentions of addiction, substance abuse, the pro-life movement, and domestic abuse.**

personally, this feels somewhat as a loss. i am of the belief that a baby is always a blessing (meant non-religously, somewhat spiritually, but up to interpretation). and if i had the resources to bless this child back as a parent, i would with immense joy. i have never intended to have a child; however several of my siblings, as well as myself, were unplanned and i have seen the miracle of a child firsthand. to have the chance to welcome one into the world would be a beautiful and well-worth experience to me.

however, i am an addict. before and after discovering my pregnancy, i have smoked weed, used MDMA, and drank alcohol. i have left myself dehydrated, malnourished, and extremely stressed out due to a current abusive relationship. not to mention, i live with currently unmanaged chronic and mental illnesses and can barely take care of myself. i do not have a job, and have an extremely hard time getting hired due to my circumstances. i am off to residential rehab soon. i am not in a place to raise a child, and it would be entirely unfair to both them and to myself at this point in my life. i am making the best educated and kindest decision i possibly can for both myself and this life inside of me.

i am extremely sure of my decision. but this oppourtunity for love and life being lost does mean something to me. and i think it is strange and unfair the way that so much pro-abortion activism is done so aggressively and with no compassion or consideration to the people who's abortions bring on sad and complicated feelings. painting it as a procedure with absolutely no possibility of emotional/physical short or longterm effects. refering to the fetus as a "parasite" even, and with no consideration to it as a possibility for human life. i dont mean this in any pro-life sort of way, i firmly believe it is a personal choice whether or not you go through with the pregnancy. i just think it is unfair to pregnant people to paint this wonderful biological phenomenom as a scary harmful inhuman thing. even some of the support ive recieved from those close to me has referened this idea of a "parasitic" baby i need to "kill". i dont know if its just my pregnancy horomones, or perhaps my sense of humanity, but that verbage and imagery was just sickening to hear.

i have recieved an incredible amount of support, however, that many do not recieve. i am extremely grateful for both the family and friends who are supportive of my right to abortion, and to have been born and raised in a state with access to this right (before 15 weeks at least). my stepmother has had an abortion, shared her experience and support, and she is paying for mine. my father drove me to my initial consultation (as my state's law requires a ridiculously lengthy consultation 24 hours prior to the actual procedure), and even yelled at the protestors outside of the clinic. my partner, despite our relationship's hostility, is aware of this procedure and fully supportive. i am aware of my luck and privilege, and my heart truly does go out to anyone going through this on their own or with less support. as well as anyone living without access to this right.

the process of abortion is very trans-unfriendly in my experience, and ive opted to act as female and accept being misgendered. of course the pregnancy and this process has been dysphoria inducing, but sometimes it's just easier to do certain things like this. my trans homies know what i mean.

it is also very unfriendly overall, as my state's process attempts to coerce or scare you into changing your mind many times before the procedure takes place. not to mention the protestors standing at the sidewalk calling you a murderer and lecturing you about your sins. however, the clinic i went to had volunteers who very kindly escorted me from the car to the door and attempted to shield me from any harrassment. the staff inside was very kind and respectful, as were the patients going through this alongside me. it seemed everyone was attempting to counteract the heavy nature of the procedure and overall unfriendly and anti-feminist process. seeing the humanity and compassion from the people around me has been a pleasant silver-lining.

dont let anyone fool you, abortion is a pretty common thing. i couldnt find an open appointment at any clinic near me. my father drove me an hour and a half to a 5:30 appointment in a clinic (that exclusively did abortion), that was packed full of people in need of abortion services.

this experience has taught me things about myself, and the people around me, and the world. i do not regret my choice and dont think that will change. but even if it does that will be my own journey, which should never take away from anyone's basic human rights. it is appauling, disgusting, and terrifying to me that access to abortions is so limited. it is even at high risk in my state of becoming more limited, or even criminalized. i will always advocate and vote to the best of my ability for everyone's access to abortion. and i hope anyone reading this intends to do the same.

thank you, if you did read this.

[demonicintegrity]

“What I will *not* accept is the erasure of women and the appropriation of womanhood for the sake of a minority movement.”

Happy pride month, today here’s a video of me failing to properly stitch so I had to screenshot some transphobic nonsense. If you remember me making a post about how terfs are fairly tied to white supremacy language, it was because of this.

(I actually made a follow up video because she was continuing on the transphobic bullshit and tried to throw black people under the bus as a gotcha. That actually is stitched so you can see her full video. That nonsense got started on this video of hers, and it seems like she’s deleted the comments that were calling her out for it? Tho there’s still plenty of stitches)

(And this isn’t to say all her videos are like and/or bad, despite my hesitation towards a woman with Christian mom in her bio, she had some really valid and really great point about parenting here and there through my skim. Though she also had other things in there I’m 👀🤨 about esp considering her transphobia. I’m using these two videos of her as an example of the common rhetoric.)

Anyways, what I’m talking about today is something i briefly glossed over in that above video. Her nonsense about a “minority movement” taking over womanhood. I’m pointing to that to warn you that terf rhetoric especially only cares about a specific brand of womanhood. And I’d wager not only is it not trans or queer friendly womanhood, but it probably priorities white womanhood over anything else as well.

When someone says they want to “protect the sanctity of womanhood” I need you to think about how people say they want to “protect the sanctity of marriage.” When people say that, they have a specific image in mind and it’s usually their own. They’re not protecting all marriage, just the marriage they like. This whole appropriation of womanhood nonsense is the same way.

They’re not protecting womanhood, just womanhood they like.

First the womanhood they prefer is gonna be cis womanhood. But then there’s gonna be the idea of a specific brand of cis womanhood. I can promise you in America at least, it’s gonna be a white conservative womanhood.

When you start assigning a moral value to something neutral like gender, you’re creating a hierarchy of good and bad. Cis womanhood is good because it’s better than trans womanhood. But you can be even better at ciswomanhood if you’re white, if you’re a good wife, if you’re raising kids. Because now that we’ve assigned morals, a right and wrong, we can now have a range of right and wrong, and we can now set up the Best Right Example to strive for.

This pride month if you cis people, esp white cis women, wanna be an ally to trans folk in a very scary political time, I need you to support all trans folk. Vocally. And I need you to understand the second you say there’s a “right” way to go about something completely neutral like gender, you’re opening the conversation to make separated classes of gender that are allowed to be treated differently because they’re not performing up to your arbitrary standards.

And not to treat trans folk like the canary in the coal mine, but if trans folk can be treated different because were not doing gender “right,” you’re not safe either.

[professional-termite]

🖊️

alr last ask, lets choose a random one...

tyler brandon dakota. my baby. hes a supporting character but he is literally everything to me. hes trans, hes a vampire, hes a pyromaniac, hes autistic, hes socially awkward, hes gay, he wears silly purple goggles and he has curly hair, hes biracial, hes in love with his married gay best friend who happens to be a robot with memory loss.

tyler is a triplet. his siblings, north and south (yes their names are north and south dakota. no i will not elaborate on why) and himself were raised to be bloodthirsty vampires. despite what you may think, he was actually born and raised in south carolina.

tyler experiences injustice on two counts throughout his childhood: vampires are widely discriminated against, and he lives in a small town in the south in the 1980's, so he's had negative experiences related to race. his parents gave up trying to integrate their children into regular society and convinced their children to become serial killers, like vampires are inclined to be, and so the infamous Dakota Triplets became a household name.

tyler, north, and south were wanted for arson, murder, breaking and entering, kidnapping, and vampiricy (a crime in and of itself). however, as the years went by, tyler found himself uncomfortable in his own skin (gender dysphoria oooooh scary!!!). he cut his hair and started speaking in a lower voice, which the press noted and commented on. tyler was used as a figurehead to the idea that queer people were villains (which was largely accepted by some people *cough cough american republicans*, but widely rejected on an international scale).

NOVASPACOZ v0.1, the robot who would become tyler's best friend, took a particular interest in him. he managed to recruit tyler to the msc, leading to what was known as the vanishing of tyler dakota (the press speculated that he had been hate crimed or discreetly captured by the fbi. the fbi thought he had walked into sunlight without sunscreen, yes vampires can walk in sunlight if they just wear sunscreen in this universe)

keep in mind, up to this point, tyler was still a trans egg. when you're brought into the multiversal simulation corporation, you become your true self. so as soon as NOVA brought tyler into the msc, he got the most gender-affirming appearance he could've hoped for. and he was confused as hell. but also happy. and he changed his middle name to be brandon (his birth name was tyler brianna dakota)

after training in the msc for years, tyler became extremely close with NOVA and another character named marvin faye, but developed somewhat of a rivalry with NOVA's boyfriend, ohio. this continued as tyler became one of the fastest risers of the ranks that the msc had ever seen. tyler was exceptional at creating chaos, and this just made ohio hate him more.

eventually, tyler became the second-highest rank in the msc, only the head of the department outranking him. at one point, he got his siblings brought into the msc as apprentices, his sister north in the creation department and his brother south in the chaos department. now he's just waiting for the department head's apprentice to graduate so that she will retire, and then he will be in charge of an entire department.

anyways yeah, thats tyler. my baby boy. i love him more than i love myself.

[nicksbestie]

could you do one where a ftm reader is besties with the boys and comes out to them and they all just roll with it and just dive right in like mega supportive

Changes

word count : 750

warnings : descriptions of dysphoria

enjoy!

<3

Coming out is terrifying.

Even more so when it’s coming out to someone that you’ve known for your entire life. It’s so difficult to suddenly change who everyone knows you as, but it’s even more difficult to spend your life being uncomfortable in your own skin. Dysphoria feels like bugs bubbling in your bloodstream, making you want to itch at your skin until it magically changes into the body and shape that you want it to. But of course, that isn’t possible, hence why it’s so painful to deal and to live with. 

You didn’t feel unsafe coming out, but you did feel uneasy. It’s a scary experience, even when you’re surrounded by people you believe to be supportive. Your entire world can change in a heartbeat, and it can feel like the world is a spinning top that just crashed down onto the table, completely out of rhythm. As much as you want to be comfortable in yourself and in your life, you also run the risk of losing that familiarity of the life that you’ve previously been living. Which led you to now. 

You knew that you were trans, you’d figured that out ages ago. The hardest part wasn’t figuring out what you were feeling, it was trying to deal with the fact that you couldn’t, or didn’t want to, come out yet. That was a mentally taxing experience you hadn’t been ready for at the time, and now, having tested the waters with your closest friends, you decided it was now or never. You’d cut contact with your parents, them being religious, and having always shown their dislike for the queer community. Now, it was just you, and your four best friends. 

You had tested the waters, multiple times, and each time it had been brought up you had been met with a supportive response. You had internally jumped for joy every time that it happened, increasing your confidence and courage in coming out. Now, on the day you had decided to do it, you were still shaking with anxiety, hoping for the best, but a small part of your subconscious seemed to know that everything was going to be just fine, no matter what the jumpy part of your brain was trying to convince you of. 

So here you were, awkwardly sitting on the couch of Ashton’s house, him hosting a small house party. And by “house party”, it meant the four guys, and you. He just liked to be dramatic. He had gotten sober two years ago, and the rest of the guys were slightly tipsy, but not enough to not remember anything you said. You waited until you were all sitting in the living room, a random tv show playing in the background, before you decided to speak up. On the first try, words didn’t even leave your mouth. You opened your mouth, faltered, and closed it again, taking a deep breath in through your nose while you attempted to form the right words to accurately articulate how you were feeling, and what you wanted from them. 

“Guys, can I talk to you about something?” 

All but one, Michael, looked up with curiosity in their eyes. Luke elbowed him in the ribs, snickering when he jumped and attempted to swat at him as revenge. 

“What the fuck?” 

“Shut up! She wants to tell us something!” 

You cringed at the pronoun, trying not to take it to heart, knowing they didn’t have a clue what was happening. 

“It’s about that, actually.” 

Ashton raised an eyebrow, thinking, but looking a little confused.

“About… what, exactly?” 

You took another deep breath, trying to phrase it in a way they’d understand if they didn’t already. 

“She. Her. They don’t fit me, I’m not a girl.” 

You figured that was a good enough start, knowing there would be questions, but they just kinda stared at you. Not in a bad way, but you could see the whole idea turning over in their minds, carefully trying to pick their next words without unintentionally causing you any harm or offense. 

Calum spoke first. 

“Oh, so you’re trans? Cool!” 

All of the other three echoed his reactions, asking questions on how to refer to you, what name and pronouns to use, if you wanted to start hormone replacement therapy, and more. You couldn’t believe you had ever been scared to tell them, their support was instantaneous, and you were grateful for them as they stood by you every step of your transition.

[nerdygaymormon]

Figuring out our queer identity

Sometimes I post, or reblog from others, about how things used to be worse in this country and across the world for queer people. Us older folks will talk about how bad things were when we were coming up and the progress that has been made. 

We also look at the current generation and are so hopeful for them, they’re coming out at younger ages, they figure out their sh*t earlier than we did, they don’t have government actively oppressing them. They have online & in-person resources that didn’t used to exist.

I’m afraid that can come across as being dismissive of the struggles of queer people today. 

The essence of figuring out you might be queer is still just as hard and messy as it ever was. This is a journey largely taken alone and in silence. Most of us are still raised by parents who assume we’re cishet and speak to us of cishet dreams and goals. Our identity is as a cishet person and a big part of coming to terms with the idea that I’m trans or bi or ace or gay or queer is it doesn’t fit the identity I was raised with. 

Suddenly I don’t know who I am, it disrupts everything I’ve been taught, it can be frightening and definitely is very bewildering. I no longer fit into the nice and neat package that was presented to me. I don’t know what my life can look like. 

Will I become like the stereotypes of queer people I see in the media, and should I become like that? If I don’t tell others, can I remain on the cishet path, it’s the only path that was ever presented to me and I don’t know anything else. I was taught it is the one and only way to happiness and accepting I’m queer feels like choosing to step off that path for something else unknown. If I come out will my parents look at me differently, will they be disappointed? Will I lose my friends, my community? All I see is loss and isolation, it’s a scary thing to go through alone. 

Fortunately, most of us find a richer life once we can accept ourselves, we find wider possibilities, we learn to examine critically the things we used to accept. Our parents probably have to go on a journey of their own and we can’t predict where they’ll wind up, but hopefully their love for us will guide them. We may lose some of the community we were raised in, but we find there’s other communities of loving people waiting to accept and affirm us, communities we used to not know about or were told to be frightened of. We learn the wider world isn’t as scary as we had thought. 

Coming out is probably the biggest risk we’ll ever take in life, it requires so much courage, and after going through that, we often show boldness in trying new things and meeting new people. We learn to figure out what we want in life, what will make us happy is a question worth exploring.

These good things, they come after that existential crisis, a crisis we largely go through silently alone. Life after coming out might be better than it was in the past, but that doesn’t change how hard it is to get to that point. 

We older queers, sometimes we forget the big internal struggle, or more likely we don’t enjoy talking about that part of our journey because it was emotionally rough and not fun to revisit and relive. We understand, we’ve been there, we have lived that. We are rooting for you, we want you to enjoy the better world that exists, but like a baby chick figuring out it’s in a shell it no longer belongs in, you have the unenviable task of figuring out you no longer fit in the identity presented to you and have to fight your way to accepting yourself. Once you emerge, we’re here and part of a community ready to receive you.

[oswald-privileges]

ALL RIGHT BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT

Power of Three as a series is just. full of weaknesses, most of which come down to poor continuity and structure. I'm not gonna try and fix ALL of those, bc that'd be laborious as hell, but I will pick out things that I feel are the most egregious as case studies.

What Po3 does have, tho, is an absolutely shining strength in the concept of its three main characters. After twelve books of Blandly Heroic Protagonist Syndrome, Jayfeather is an absolute godsend. He's angry! He's rude! He's unhappy! He's not nice. I Love Him And He's My Son. Lionblaze has his invincible pride (hah) and emergent bloodlust, and Hollyleaf has her moral absolutism and certainty. These are good starting points for characters. Sadly, the lack of continuity undermines what could have been three really good character arcs.

So! I present to you:

HOW TO MAKE "WARRIORS: THE POWER OF THREE" NOT COMPLETELY SUCK ACCORDING TO MY PERSONAL TASTE; A NON-EXHAUSTIVE, NON-CONSECUTIVE LIST BY ME

ONE

- Have there be a persistant, overarching series threat. Sol is a character with amazing villain potential who does literally nothing except hang around, and do exactly 2 Bad Things completely off-screen. This Is Not Good.

- Instead, have him be present from the second book onwards- initially introduced as a friendly but enigmatic outsider who is slowly revealed across the series to be a complete black hole of a personality, a social parasite quietly rearranging whatever community he's a part of to just-so-happen to benefit him as much as humanly possible. His "preach individualism not starclan" methods are not so much values as one strategy out of many. (to those who know me- yes i have a type. no i will not apologise.)

- Maybe his ultimate goal is to dissolve and centralise the clans or something so that he can live out his life as a political puppetmaster in all the cat-luxury he likes. idk it's hard to imagine overall stakes for this rewrite BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL DOESN'T HAVE ANY

TWO

- For gods sake you don't have a series based on the premise of "the main characters develop super powers" and then only have the second power confirmed by the end of the fourth book. I understand the first book mostly focusing on Jayfeather- his powers are obvious from the start, he's got the strongest personality of the three, he gets access to most of the prophecy plot stuff because of them. But you NEED to have the other two show an interest in something concrete happening to them beyond that, and you need to at least hint towards the other two having something unique to them even if nobody clocks it yet.

- Have Jayfeather tell his siblings about the prophecy by the end of book two at the latest. The amount of time he spends noodling around not sharing it with them is inexcusable. It's not that it's out of character for him to hang onto a secret for a bit, it's just that there's no point and it slows everything down. It would be equally in character for him to go to his siblings and be like "look, i'm SPECIAL. well you as well but ALSO ME". Boy starts off as desperate for recognition, what can I say

THREE

- Have Jayfeather discover that StarClan don't withhold signs or information on purpose for the sake of "building courage and faith" or whatever nonsense. Seeing and communicating the future is metaphysically very difficult, so interpreting signs and messages is a genuine skill, or even an art. The cats of StarClan, however, really are just ghosts, much more similar to living cats than the currently living believe. This is the impotus for Jayfeather's discarding of his reverence for StarClan, which remains consistent throughout the series.

- Have Hollyleaf and Jayfeather both still change their cat careers in the first book, but put place more attention on the fact that they basically switched jobs. Have a scene where they end up yelling at each other, because can't the other see how lucky they have it? The tension breaks when they realise they've both lost something important to them- Jayfeather his chance to prove he's as capable as a sighted cat, and Hollyleaf her path to helping her clan in the way she thinks is best. They commiserate together, and reluctantly promise to do the best they can with their lots, so they don't waste the path the other wishes they'd taken. This closeness is eroded over the series as they disagree more and more on the subject of StarClan and its role in their moral choices and obligations.

FOUR

- Speaking of Hollyleaf! I nearly threw my phone across the room when the first Omen of the Stars book claimed that Hollyleaf "worked so hard to discover her power to help her clan". Where, Ms Erins??? I would have LOVED to have seen that!! Hollyleaf expresses absolutely no concern over the details of what power she has/will develop, and only has a couple of scenes even touching on her ambitions to help her clan. She has some vague ideas about becoming leader and like one scene where she gets to do some leadery things, but that never gets followed up on. What does happen is that the whole "warrior code" thing becomes more and more a part of her personality (for no clear reason) until she snaps.

- Hollyleaf going off the deep end is something I wanted so badly to get into and be moved by, because I could see where it comes from! Her moral certainty is fascinating, especially since it's based in something as abstract as the warrior code- which, when you think about it, isn't really... anything. There's no concrete set of rules that make it up, no traditional wording or cat philosophers, not even any fables. It's a handful of agreed-upon, common sense rules- don't cross boundaries, don't take prey that isn't yours, respect your ancestors, and don't murder. That's it!

- So, combining the above points, I think Hollyleaf not being one of the Three should stay, but both the audience and the characters are given good reason to believe she is. By around the third volume, make it so that Hollyleaf has found that her power is to get cats to "Do The Right Thing"- i.e. what she wants them to do. She sneaks off often to see Sol, who teachs her how to use this power. Her siblings are concerned about this new power, having already gotten a glimpse at what Sol can do, but she's confident that she can only use this power for good. Volume-specific plot happens, Sol manipulates her into causing him to win, she is shocked and horrified, and vows to stick ridgedly to what she knows is right i.e. The Warrior Code

- However, the more fervently she tries to stick to this abstract idea, the less it gives her results, the more her power seems to be failing. Believing that StarClan is taking her power away from her, she becomes caught up in a faith-guilt spiral that puts her in the position to snap at the end of the series. By that point it's clear to her siblings that Hollyleaf has no power- she was just very, very good at persuading people to do what she wanted.

FIVE

- Lionblaze is a girl now because I Said So. This Cat Is Trans And There's Nothing You Can Do About It.

- Her relationship with Heathertail stays the same- childhood sweethearts who are torn apart as they begin to understand the nature of the societal divides that exist between them.

- This can be used to contextualise the whole "half clan/outsider blood" thing as a cultural contradiction. In reality, inter- and outer- clan relationships aren't at all rare. They can't be, otherwise the whole society would be inbred out of existence in like five generations. But if at least one society of humans can spend a good 200 years pretending Sex Is Bad And Sinful Actually then cats can have persistant cat-racism in the face of all logic. Heathertail clocks this contradiction, Lionblaze doesn't.

- Her relationship-to-power arc doesn't need changing all that much either, other than starting much sooner and being more consistent. At first, she's completely overjoyed by her power, since unlike her siblings, it lines up so well with her ambition- become the finest warrior any of the clans have to offer. As the berserker rage aspect becomes more prevelent, she becomes more and more disturbed by the fact that she isn't disturbed by what she can do, and that she doesn't want the escalation of her power to stop.

- Tigerstar still does his thing, but Brambleclaw knows about it. He recognises the signs from when his father used to visit him, and tries to train Lionblaze in his own way. She ends up caught between wanting to be a good warrior, and testing the limits of her power.

SIX

- Jayfeather can stay basically the same because he's my perfect little angy boy and nothing needs to change. His arcs can be strengthened by having a more robust relationship with Yellowfang where they try to out-bitch each other, and coming to terms with his internalised ablism. Maybe he has a chat with Mothwing about faith a couple of times. Him furiously lashing out at being offered help transitions into an acceptence and understanding of his abilities more naturally. He never stops being A Grumpy Old Man.

- All fucking past-lives unexplained time travel goes in the BIN. Doesn't fucking happen. You can have that lore dump sprinkled across the books, or come from going deep into the tunnels and having a surreal meeting. Make it properly eldritch-level scary, shake Jayfeather's confidence in the idea of them being just a bunch of ghosts.

SEVEN

- Have the way Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight present very clearly as parents to the Three be explicitly, textually unusual. One of the things I liked so much about the first series was an almost total lack of emphasis on who was mated with who, and who was related or not. It felt very real to how feral cat colonies form, where raising kittens is a communal job. This gets completely dropped the moment series 2 starts and now the cats have monogamy.

- This emphasis on the family unit and fostering close relationships between parents and kittens is deliberate on the part of both Leafpool and Squirrelflight. Their aim is to cover for Leafpool so she doesn't lose her role as medicine cat- something she already gave up Crowfeather for before she was pregnant.

- In that little bit of backstory, have a robust reason for both Leafpool and Squirrelflight to leave the camp while Leafpool is pregnant and giving birth, possibly one that ties into the present day story in some minor way. I don't know how, it would just make that element of the story a lot more ground than "we left, the kits were born, then we came back and everyone was cool with it"

- When it comes to the "I am Not your mother" reveal, Jayfeather and Lionblaze are confused and hurt that they were lied to, but come to the reasonable conclusion that well, since they were raised mostly by Squirrelflight, saw Leafpool often, and are loved by both, they don't hate her. Lionblaze has something of a crisis over being half-clan, possibly initiating an attempted reunion with Heathertail. Jayfeather is more concerned with how other cats will think it makes him lesser, something he's still sensitive too.

- Hollyleaf, meanwhile, completely fucking snaps at the way her mother Violated Part Of The Code. It's a completely irrational reaction, but expected because she's been growing more and more reliant on The Code for the whole series, and less and less stable in her attempts to aid her clan and train to be its new leader.

- Squirrelflight is the one to murder Ashfur. This is easy to work out while reading- she's literally the only one of the four with a motive who isn't a perspective character. The mystery is less around finding out who did it, and more about why she did it (it's very ambiguous as to whether it was an accident or not). The main tension comes from who finds out when.

- Lionblaze is shocked, awed by how far she'd go to protect the three of them, and reassures her she did the right thing (as a way to salve her own uncertainty over her own longing for violence). Jayfeather makes it all about himself because he's Jayfeather- upset that he didn't know immediately, instead of, you know, figuring it out in a few hours because he can basically read minds. They try their best to hide it from Hollyleaf, who is already rattling around the final volume as a full-on antagonist, but are unsuccessful. This almost costs them something incredibly important- possibly Squirrelflight's life.

EIGHT

- the whole plot with the Tribe Of Rushing Water is a MASSIVE can of worms that could be removed from the series without issue. As it is:

- Characterize the Tribe as uncertain of how to fight other cats, because yes, they haven't had to do this before. DON'T characterise them as pathetic, doing whatever their leader says without thinking, and with ancestors who have Given Up

- Have some of the Tribe be really good at the violence. Worryingly good. Have others be sickened by what they're being asked to do.

- Have some of the clan cats reflect on what they've done. Hollyleaf would be all for introducing this society to jesus The Code, but even she might be horrified at being thanked by a tribe cat who can't wait to get out there and win themselves glory, only to be killed a few hours later

- The Tribe begin a new tradition of marking the walls in the mud they use as camoflage in order to commemorate their battles, and memorialise the fallen. One of the characters reflects on the fact that in a generation or two, the Tribe will feel like it's always been this way. How many of their own traditions- those that feel almost like natural law- started out the same way?

- Have Sol as the leader of the invaders, or maybe having insinuated himself into the tribe as a "mediator" and doing his charismatic cult leader thing.

NINE

- Cinderheart isn't a reincarnation of Cinderpelt. She's just named after her bc Cinderpelt saved her mother from a badger. this is because I think the reincanation thing is stupid and I can't think of a way to make it good.

TEN

- No more using tails as hand gestures like covering people's mouths. Never. None of it. It's expunged from existence.

Disclaimer: I haven't read Omen of the Stars yet, so I can't account for anything that might happen in that series that's grounded in Po3. I'm like... two thirds of the way through the first volume. I'm Not Impressed.

[ftm-radio]

Hey Jack, I’ve got an issue. I love my mom, and she tries to be progressive. She’s accepted me as bi but when I came out as trans she told me that I don’t need to label anything yet (I was 14 when I came out). We haven’t brought that up in a real conversation since. She’s also fallen down the JKR thought process and spouts some very common HRT and Trans misconceptions (like how HRT won’t change your muscle mass). I want to correct her and educate her but I’ve got intense anxiety about confronting people. I was thinking of texting her some links to HRT studies but I still live under her roof and we see each other often. Do you have any advice? (ps. I love your blog)

hey anon! sorry to hear about your issue. I can and will try to offer some advice, but please be aware that I don't know everything so my advice probably is far from perfect 😅

hoo boy okay I'm only partway thru & it's already long, so I'm putting it all under a cut. you're welcome, scrollers. ✌🏻

ok I've been thinking about & writing bits of this off and on through the day, so apologies if this is a little jumpy in places!

first off, regarding your anxiety — oh my god, do I understand where you're coming from. confrontation is so scary! and the idea of confronting someone you love is even scarier because it's more personal and it feels like there's way more at stake. but I think if you want to keep a close relationship with your mom it's important to face those fears eventually. otherwise, you'll just have this uncomfortable thing lurking overhead all the time, and it could sour the whole relationship.

now, if you want to try and explain everything and correct the misinformation, you don't necessarily have to do that face to face. especially if that would make you nervous and stutter and misspeak (like I do sometimes, rip). when I came out to my dad, I was terrified because he's an old cranky dude who's lowkey said some kinda bigoted things in the past, and I was terrified of how he might react when i tried telling him. so I wrote him a letter instead! I'm much better with writing than speaking, and I was able to get out all my thoughts and explain everything, including my fears of losing him and losing our relationship. and it worked. my dad and I are still as close as we've always been, maybe even a little closer now.

so I mean, the point of that ramble is that taking the conversation (or at least part of it) to a different platform (letter, email, text... hell even a powerpoint presentation could help if you're into that) is a perfectly valid and viable option.

another important thing is to definitely communicate what you're feeling. let your mom know how much you care about her, how the things she's saying about trans people hurt and upset you, even (maybe especially) how you're scared to have this conversation but that it's necessary and important for both of you that you do have it.

I dont think you should just text your mom some links and call it good (not that that is your plan, but idk I'm just sayin). to me, at least, that seems a bit cold and snide, like saying "you're dumb and wrong and here's the real facts" which could easily have the opposite results you want bc humans can be sensitive and defensive, especially since it's a parent being corrected by their child. I know I don't like being wrong and having to be corrected (though i appreciate it), bc it's embarrassing. I imagine being corrected by your child, the young person you're supposed to raise and teach, can be even more embarrassing & make you more prone to activate the no shut up I'm older and thus I must know better reaction.

obviously that doesn't mean "don't correct your mom ever." I just think that it would probably go better if you were gentle with it. especially because you've said that she tries to be open and progressive. that should be encouraged. and a lot of the misinformation and wrong ideas she has about hrt and trans folks probably isn't her fault—misinformation spreads so easy, especially when nasty people want it to—and they might be exaggerated by her own anxieties and fears for you, her kid. and I can't fault her for that.

and don't rush it! probably don't dump a bunch of articles and studies on her, because that sounds super overwhelming (unless she asks, I guess? idk ur mom) and don't start this conversation with her until you're ready and you know what you want to say, or at least most of it. and this doesn't have to be one giant convo to get it over and done with if you dont want to do it that way. you can start with just one part of it, and let it settle, and start the next part after you've both had time to sit and think about it.

if you aren't sure where to start this conversation, one place you could start is with the simple fact that there are people who purposefully and maliciously spread false information about trans folks to cause harm and create fear and confusion, and that they can be pretty good at it. especially when they are telling these things to people who don't know anything about the topic because they haven't had to know about it up to this point! i dont think its your mom's fault she's been given these ideas, and she shouldnt be made to feel too badly about it. cis and trans folks alike have been fooled by cleverly shared lies. and after you explain that, you can ask her if she'd be open to reading some of those studies and getting more reliable and accurate information, and hopefully the conversation can progress from there.

that's just an idea/suggestion though, obvs you do this however you wanna do it in whatever way feels best to you 👍🏻

I would very much like to think that if you can talk with her (or write to her, whatever) and really communicate, she'd be willing to listen and try to understand and learn.

on the flip side, though... if you try talking and she is totally unwilling to consider the fact that her info/what she's been told is incorrect, and she refuses to listen to you, I don't think there's much to be done.

as you said, you live under her roof and have to see her a lot, so I think for your sake it might be better to try and ignore it and just let it go for now. maybe you could try and broach the topic again in the future, but if she feels really strongly about it and there's absolutely no convincing her, avoiding the topic altogether might be better for you than arguing about it constantly.

and I really, truly hope it doesn't come to that but I had to acknowledge it for my own peace of mind. :/

[phxntomx11]

Society is a Hypocrite

   ‘What does non-binary mean?’ Reading the sentence fear gripped their gut as they began to panic. One sentence and it felt like their world was beginning to crumble. To their family they presented as the sex they were born, to their close friends they were not so scared to hide who they knew they were. An individual who did not solely fit into what society deemed “male” and did not fit into what society deemed “female,” instead they existed somewhere in between. Their personality was more fluid, existing in the space of the two but without strong ties to one or the other. They were most comfortable as being the “in-between,” as being what many call non-binary.

   ‘What do you mean?’ The method was to play dumb, maybe it was just a mistake.

   ‘In your TikTok bio, it says non-binary. What does it mean?’ Now the panic was spiking and so was the feeling of lack of common sense. Their parent had just downloaded the app, of course they were gonna be a suggested friend. The scary thought of how apps could suggest them as a friend to a family member without looking one another up was pushed to the back of their mind as they tried to come up with what to say next. What to do next.

   Should they just make a new bio and pretend it never existed? That it never happened? Should they push their fear aside and explain what it meant? What felt like hours was only minutes as they weighed their options. Logically they knew that this scenario was better than what some others in their community had faced when “coming out” even with an accidental coming out.

   ‘Think of it like how everyone used to say I’m a tomboy.’ This was the best they could do with their anxiety bubbling in their stomach. ‘It's kind of like that, just a different way of saying it.’

   There was not a reply for a short time before they decided to just go for it. Rather than continue the conversation through text they were going to do their best to explain what the term meant to them through a phone call. It would be easier to discern the emotion from the other end, it would be easier to decide where their parent was with the new information.

   “Hi, sorry I thought it would just be easier to talk rather than text.” That wasn’t a lie but it certainly was not helping their anxiety any. Now they would be able to tell what their parent was going to think of them. “The way I interpret non-binary is the same as how I interpret being called a ‘tomboy.’”

   “Remember how I’ve mentioned that gender does not have to be based on sex, more so how someone feels they fit?”

   “Yeah.” Their parent’s tone was indifferent. “Does this mean you’re transgender?”

   “Not at least with how I use the term. To me, its just like I mentioned before about being a tomboy, but now the term non-binary is used.” There was a pause again as they tried to think of what to say next to avoid the rambling that was going to ensue. “Does that...does it make sense?”

   “I think I understand.” The tone was still neutral, but their anxiety was starting to ease. They knew both of their parents may not understand it completely. Their parents were still a little confused with the LGBTQ+ community with how the community had been shunned and criminalized when their parents were growing up. Nowadays it was more prevalent in news headlines, articles, and social media platforms. It was easier for people to ignore the LGBTQ+ community in the past and to sweep it under the rug.

   The conversation then changed to how their day went and how their classes were and while the anxiety was subsiding there was still that fear in the pit of their stomach. To their parents they presented in one way, it was easier to just be what their parents expected and nothing else. It avoided the awkward conversations and the possible ways their parents may look at them. They were not being truthful to themself, they knew that. But until they were ready, or thought their parents would be ready, they had deemed it best to wait. To keep their two identities separate. Their friends would know their preferred pronouns and their preferred name, whether abbreviated or a new one altogether, their parents would still just know them as the child they raised.

   They are too afraid to come out completely because they do not know how their parents would treat them. After this conversation they had changed their TikTok bio and went through their other social media to make sure the bios were blank there too. It was to sweep themself under the rug now too. To pretend it never happened and just carry on like normal. Eventually the conversation would be forgotten and the walking on eggshells would eventually end. But it wouldn’t completely. There was no saying if it would happen again and if it did how it would happen the next time. The fear had passed for the moment but the future could hold possible times again, and maybe not just to their parents but to their other family members as well.

   Not everyone was going to understand it the way they did. Some have been raised to be closed-minded in certain ways. For now they were going to be able to breath again. For now they would be more quiet when it came to certain topics, at least until the initial scare completely blew over. While they feared the outcome they were still aware of the fact that it played out much better than some other coming out stories they had heard. While it was only one parent that knew, it had been enough to scare them into thinking that this would be it. That they would either be rejected from the family or treated a different way, but the rejection did not come and the different treatment did not come either. They were fortunate.

   They were fortunate that their parent did not reject them or did not treat them differently. Some are lucky enough to have families that support one wholeheartedly. That no matter what their family would love and cherish them like a family should. That something like the way they identified would not change the way they were loved or cared for by their family. That something like gender identity would not drive a wedge between them and the people that raised them, that helped them become who they are. They were fortunate and they knew that. Not everyone would be met with what they were met with. The idea that their gender identity would make their family reject them had been driving their anxiety through the conversation. That just because they did not fit what so many deemed “normal” they could lose their family. They were lucky.

                                         --{}--

   Society is a hypocrisy. Bold words for a sentence that only has four, but think about it. From the moment someone is told the sex of their child, that identity becomes that child. From the moment the doctor identifies the sex that child is automatically viewed in a certain way. Pink for girls, dolls, dresses, small kitchen kits, princesses, and the pre-existing notion that this child will be kind and mature for their age. Blue for boys, trucks, baseballs, footballs, racecars, superheroes, and the already existing idea that this child will be into more “aggressive” things and is allowed to mature more slowly because “boys will be boys.” Society dictates that from the moment a child’s sex is revealed than their whole life could be planned out from that moment. A girl will always be referred to as a girl even when they are said to be mature for their age. A boy will be called a man the moment someone feels it necessary even if that child is still immature. Society tries to force people into boxes, but it is in the moment that an individual does not fit that society becomes a hypocrite.

   Gender is what society dictates. Gender is what society attempts to fit in little boxes with perfect bows and name tags for everyone. Gender is where society instructs that those who behave in this way are boys and those that behave in this way are girls. Growing up a girl can be called a “tomboy” because that child has personality characteristics that are deemed “masculine.” Growing up a girl can have more freedom in personality but society is at ease because it is probably just a phase that she will grow out of. Growing up a boy cannot have a doll because society deems it a “girl’s” toy, even though society also deems that this boy has children when he is older, that this boy will be responsible for another living individual but he cannot have access to the toys that may represent that future individual.

   Society lays out what it believes are personality traits for males or females, and for an individual however many boxes they have checked off dictates how society views them. This is where sex and gender are two different things. Sex is biological, and even then an argument could be made that it is still a social construct. Biologically speaking there are three main categories: male, female, and intersex. Gender is primarily a social construct, it is the small boxes that society tries to place everyone into with pretty bows and name tags. Gender can be anything. That child that is referred to as a “tomboy” can self identify as non-binary, as not fitting into a neat box because they check off traits from each category that society dictates.

   Society exists on the back of cisnormative ideals. Cisnormativity is the preconceived notion that everyone is only either male or female and that sex and gender is one. Cisnormativity dictates the idea of the binary, that there are only two options. If someone is cis then their gender identity agrees with the sex they were born. If someone is trans or not cis then their gender identity contradicts their deemed biological sex. We are human, we are not meant to fit into little boxes. Growing up we are told that we can be whatever we want, that we can be whoever we want. That growing up is when we find out who we are. But when one openly challenges and refuses to fit in a box, we no longer can be what we want to be, we can no longer be who we want to be all because we looked at what society assumed and decided we fit into something else.

   Society is a hypocrite on more than one account. Another account, the claim “it's to protect our children.” Some numbers to consider the next time you hear or say this phrase. The Trevor Project, a non-profit organization focused on preventing suicide in LGBTQ+ youth, conducts a national survey on LGBTQ+ youth every year. In 2020 the survey found that more than half of non-binary and transgender youth (52%) considered suicide and 21% had attempted suicide. The same 2020 study saw that 38% of transgender and non-binary youth experienced housing instability and of that 38%, 34% had attempted suicide.

   The topic of sex and gender comes with different opinions, understandings, and stories. Even now I probably lost a good chunk of you at the beginning of this, but if you made it this far then I hope you at least come away with a slightly more open mind. Transgender and non-binary individuals, as well as other LGBTQ+ youth, face discrimination and harassment daily. To be who they want to be, to be who they are most comfortable being, to be who they truly are can be a death sentence. We have to do better, every last one of us has to do better.

Important Information:

TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386 

TrevorText: text START to 678-678 

Or go online at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ to chat online

Reference

Paley, A. (2020). The Trevor Project National Survey 2020. The Trevor Project - Saving Young LGBTQ Lives. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2020/?section=Introduction.

[t4tozier]

your trans Richie hcs are pure 24k gold!!! do you have any hcs on how he came out to the losers?

thank you love!!! and fuck yeah i do!!!

so it goes one of two ways:

1. they’re all hanging out together and he just blurts it out because he made the decision to tell them that day and once he did he had really bad anxiety about it so he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret or do it in any sort of organized way

or 2. he tells them all separately but in a short period of time for the same reason

and if that’s the case then this is how he does it!

stan

he comes out to stan first because he knows stan won’t judge him or make fun of him. not that any of them would and realistically he knows that but he’s still terrified and he trusts stan to react calmly to it

so he goes over to stans house and knocks on the door and then just walks in because that’s the kind of friends they are

stan will still knock and wait outside for someone to come to the door because he’s polite but richie knows stan and his parents don’t care if he just comes in so he gives no warning and just shows up whenever he wants

stan’s upstairs so he waves hello to stan’s parents and goes into his room and is just kind of awkwardly like “hey stan the man what’s crackalackin”

and stan just gives him a glance at first because he’s used to that kind of stuff from richie but then he takes in how he’s biting his lip and his fingers are touching themselves shakily to his thumbs and he knows something’s up

so he takes off his headphones and sits up straight and pats the bed next to him and just says “tell me what’s wrong, [deadname]” in that special tone he reserves just for richie when he gets like this and people may think it’s condescending but it’s not and richie knows it

but richie winces at the sound of his deadname—he hasn’t chosen a new name yet because he can’t find anything that fits but he just knows that that one’s wrong—and stan immediately frowns and there’s a glimmer of something in his eyes but he doesn’t quite get it yet

and richie looks down at his fidgeting hands, his leg jiggling like mad and just really quietly whispers “i’m trans” and his heart is beating like crazy but it feels like there’s a sudden weight off his chest because he’s never said it out loud before

and stan’s eyebrows raise just slightly and he puts his hand in between them, palm up, because richie doesn’t like to be touched all the time, but richie immediately grabs onto stan’s hand and squeezes like it’s the only thing keeping him on the ground

and very slowly his eyes raise to meet stan’s—or not quite meet, but close—and stan just smiles at him and whispers “okay” back and then richie grins and squeezes stan’s hand harder

and they stay like that for a little until richie gets fidgety again and pulls away, wiping his hand on his jeans, and then stan asks if richie wants him to use he/him for him and richie nods

“thank you for sharing that with me,” stan says softly, and even though they’re both young richie knows that he just gets it. “mom’s making chili if you wanna stay for dinner.” and that’s that.

richie does stay for dinner that night

bill

the next person he tells is bill because even though this isn’t what young teen richie is thinking is the reason he knows that bill knows what it’s like to feel completely alone in a crowd of people

they’re playing call of duty together on bill’s new ps4 because bill’s parents replace parenting with material things

and while that’s not what bill needs he has to admit it can be nice when he gets new video games

and he likes that richie’s “not like other girls” in that he likes playing video games with bill instead of playing with makeup

so anyway they’re playing call of duty and richie dies but instead of throwing the controller down and making frustrated noises like he usually does he just sets it down gently and turns to bill, pulling his knees up to his chest

and bill doesn’t pay much attention to it at first because while he’s very attuned to people’s feelings, he’s pretty focused on this game

so it’s not until he dies himself that he turns to richie and cocks his head and richie just blurts it out because sometimes bill stares at him in this way that makes him feel like he already knows the truth

but bill’s open mouth and raised eyebrows show that he had no idea, he just thought richie was a boyish girl

but richie squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head, kind of like he’s trying to avoid looking at his friend’s reaction because he’s expecting it to be followed by him being told to leave

and bill starts, “h-h-hey, no, d-don’t w-w-worry—” and he’s about to say richie’s deadname when he realizes that’s probably not what he needs and it’s a good thing for once he stuttered before he could get it all out

and he’s a little more curious than stan was, at least outwardly, or at first, but he has more questions and richie doesn’t quite know how to answer all of them but he tries and it’s a little awkward but finally bill cracks a smile and turns back to the video game

and richie smiles shyly to himself before picking the controller back up and leaning into bill as they continue playing

mike

mike finds out because one day richie visits him at the farm, biked all the way out there, and he normally never does that unless there rest of them are with him

he doesn’t actually know richie’s there until he goes out to milk the cows, because richie’s standing in the middle of the field with his arms around one of the big cows and his face pressed into her neck

and mike is a little confused at first but then he grins and goes over to them, setting down his milk pail and the stool

and he greets richie happily and doesn’t notice how richie’s hands bunch in the cow’s fur

“teach me how to do farm work.”

it’s muffled, and mike frowns and has to ask him to repeat himself a couple times because richie doesn’t move his face from the cow’s neck, but then his eyes light up

“sure! dad would love to have some more help around the farm. is it just ‘cause you’re bored, or...?”

‘cause he knows richie needs more stimulation than he gets sometimes but conversely he needs less stimulation than he gets sometimes and the farm is perfect for both situations

but richie shakes his head and then slowly moves so that his cheek is pressed against the cow instead of his whole face

“i wanna get big like you. muscly.”

and mike’s never thought of himself as particularly muscular before so he blushes as he asks, “can i ask why?”

“so i look like a guy.”

and it takes some back and forth before mike finally understands that richie is transgender

and richie’s not stupid. he knows that not everything on the farm will get him muscular and that it takes a lot of work. he gets that part but he still wants to do it

so while mike stumbles sometimes because richie still doesn’t know his name so he’s not sure what to call him they start working together on the farm on weekends and richie has the fucking time of his life

ben

richie finds ben in the library after school one day while he’s waiting for maggie to come pick him up and he decides that now is a good time to tell him

so he plops himself down in front of ben and it takes him a while to notice that he’s even there because he’s so invested in his walt whitman book

and richie’s fidgety, fingers touching each other and shoulders up to his ears, but ben doesn’t notice for what seems like forever

it’s only three minutes

but when ben finally does he’s got the brightest smile on his face

richie secretly thinks that ben forgets he has friends sometimes which is why he’s always so happy to see them, ‘cause it’s a reminder that they haven’t left him

but he doesn’t say that

instead he loudly asks, “can i tell you something?” because volume control? never heard of her

and he’s immediately shushed by the librarian and he winces, but ben, who’s used to this, just smiles and leads richie out of the library so they can talk

richie paces as he tries to find the words to say what he wants to say and he thought it would be easier after the first three times but it’s not

he ends up talking about maggie picking him up instead of being trans for much longer but finally he tells him “and she said she’d be here at 3:30 exactly and now it’s 3:34 and she hasn’t texted me i haven’t told her i’m transgender yet but she’ll be here soon”

and it takes ben even longer to process and he’s way beyond the topic by the time he does and then he doesn’t quite stop him but he manages to get in a soft little comment of “that’s really cool! also i hope she picks you up soon”

he got picked up two minutes later and didn’t mention being trans again once

ben later brings it up to mike because he’s not entirely sure if he heard him right but it turns out he did! and he wants to support him but he’s not quite sure how

and mike just tells him to give it time because he doesn’t know if he’s told everyone yet

brady

richie’s kind of nervous to tell brady and he’s not sure why

probably because he’s way too cool for him and he’s scared he’s gonna judge him

he actually really hates the smell of smoke but it’s the only time brady’s ever by himself

so when brady sees richie making his way over to him he stubs out the cig and gives him a crooked smile

and richie’s intimidated as fuck because being the only girl in a group of guys is scary but brady’s the scariest guy of them all

brady doesn’t rush him, though, even though he knows there’s something up, and when richie eventually spills, he grins and just says, “cool. me too.”

and thats how richie finds out brady is bev

she tells him she’s known for a long time but she didn’t know how they’d take it, but now that richie’s come out she feels much more comfortable with it

she offers to give him some of her clothes that’ll probably be a little too big but in exchange she’ll take his dresses and flowy shirts

and even though richie knows that all his friends will support him he’s elated to have a trans friend because he didn’t know any other trans person and now not only does he, she’s one of his best friends

eddie

richie’s the most scared to come out to eddie

it’s no secret that he’s sheltered, in every sense of the word

and he’s terrified that eddie won’t want to be his friend anymore when he finds out

he walks him home from school because he doesn’t know how else to get to him

sonia won’t let eddie hang out with him because she thinks he’ll corrupt him or something, eddie’s never been really clear about it but all richie knows is that he’s not allowed over

but they walk home together, richie’s hands clenching and unclenching rapidly and eddie running his fingers along the soft lining of his coat

they’re both nervous, richie for obvious reasons and eddie because he doesn’t know why richie’s walking him home

even as eddie’s going on about some car that richie knows nothing about but is still eager to listen to, he’s wondering what’s going on and if something bad happened because he’s usually only alone with one of them if something bad happened like when bill told him georgie died

and richie’s hands clench faster and faster until they can’t hold back the words he’s trying to hold back and he blurts out, “i’m a transgender boy and i hope you still wanna be my friend because we’re best friends and i don’t want your mom to find out and take you away from me.”

and eddie’s so taken aback he stops in his tracks, his mind still racing with thoughts about the car but now occupied with this new information

and at first richie’s right. he’s a little scared. because he’s never known any transgender person and his mom has always told him that gay and transgender people were bad

but then he realizes that this is richie, this is his best friend, and if they were best friends one minute ago there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be best friends now

so he smiles and nods and asks him a couple questions because he’s barely even heard of being transgender and richie isn’t much better equipped to answer them any more than he was when bill asked them but he leans into eddie as they walk home and eddie leans into him back and it’s really okay

and once all the losers know, they get together at the quarry and have a little coming out party where bev also comes out and that raises the question of what richie’s name is going to be

and it takes some debating but when richie comes up with his name he knows in that moment nothing will ever feel more right than being richie, surrounded by all his friends who accept him for exactly who he is and never expect anything from him like other people do. he’s richie fucking tozier, and he’s never been more proud to be him.

[tf2canons]

Parent Mercs reacting to their child telling them they're trans, and want them to use opposite gender pronouns for them? (You can pick if each individual kid of the mercs is ftm or mtf)

Spy - He’s naturally a very observant man so he had his suspicions already, so when his child tells him that she’s a trans girl he isn’t shocked. He makes sure to listen to everything she has to say, and he can tell she’s very nervous. But when she’s done explaining herself, he’ll simply say, “Alright. Let’s go shopping, then.” Buying her an entirely new wardrobe with clothes that she genuinely feels comfortable in is the best way he can think to show his support. He asks her a lot of questions like whether she wants to grow her hair out, if she wants to wear makeup, etc. It’s very important to him that she knows he supports her completely.

Sniper - When his daughter first tells him she’s a girl, he just stares at her. It goes on for a good twenty seconds to the point she’s starting to freak out a little internally, before he finally chuckles and says, “You know, when you were born I thought I was getting off the hook from having to raise a girl, but I guess not, huh?” He gets up and hugs her, something he doesn’t do too often since he’s not a touchy-feely kind of man. He really doesn’t know how to raise a daughter at all, but he’s proud of her for telling him and he says the two of them can figure it out together. He’ll make a good effort to use the correct pronouns, but he’s not much help when it comes down to her transition because he simply doesn’t know a thing about being a girl. He ends up having to go to outside sources for help, asking Spy about women’s fashion and Medic about medical transition (if that’s something she wants to do). He’s a bit nervous about the whole thing because it’s such new territory but he’ll do anything to help his daughter be who she is. 

Medic - He’s genuinely caught off guard. He can be a bit oblivious when it comes to things that aren’t science, so up until that point it hadn’t even occurred to him that his child might be trans. He has to sit down just to process it, but he makes sure that his son knows it’s not a bad shock, just a shock. Once he gets over the initial surprise, he’s completely fine with it. It’s clearly very important to his child, so he cares about it, but he doesn’t see it as a big earth-shattering change. It’s just a change that he sees as part of his child growing up, and part of his job as a parent. It’ll take him a while to get used to using he/him for his son just because he has to break the old habit, but he’s completely supportive. If his son wants to get gender reassignment surgery or go on testosterone, Medic will want to be the doctor to do it so that he can make sure his son is getting the best treatment possible. 

Scout - Like Medic, he’s very surprised. He just keeps repeating stuff like, “Really? Are you sure? Geez, I didn’t realize... really? That’s cool- I mean, that’s great, ya know? Whatever you want. Not that you just want to be a guy, I just mean- that’s great-” He has no idea what to say, but he really is okay with it. He reassures his kid that he always did want a son, so this worked out pretty sweet. His gut reaction is to go play baseball with him, because he thinks that’s a pretty manly thing to do and will help his son feel supported (even though they’ve been playing baseball together this whole time). He doesn’t really know what to do or what steps to take, so he’ll just let his son tell him what he wants and he’ll go with the flow. He gets very defensive of his son if anybody misgenders him, saying stuff like, “Yo, are you fuckin’ blind? He’s obviously a boy, dumbass, come on. I think I know my son better than you do, pally.”

Pyro - They immediately start crying, and at first their son panics because he thinks they’re upset with him, but they quickly tell him that they’re just so happy for him to be figuring out who he is and that he trusts them enough to share it with them. Pyro has always been a very accepting parent and was never one to push gender roles on their kid, but they know it can still be scary even if you know your parent will be supportive. They’ll give him a huge hug and go bake him his favorite flavor of cake in celebration. They’re super excited to help him transition, and they’re supportive no matter how he wants to go about it. 

Soldier - Since Soldier is such a man’s man, his kid is extremely anxious over telling him she’s a girl. But Soldier accepts it pretty much immediately, without a second thought. It makes almost no difference to him what gender she is, as long as she’s still his kid and she can still snap a neck if she needs to. He would have no problem switching to the new pronouns, and he will very loudly correct anyone who uses the wrong ones. He’ll help her with her transition if she asks and he’d happily pay for new clothes, but he won’t go out of his way to treat her differently. They’re still the same kickass family, which is all that matters. 

Heavy - He figured out a while ago that his child was a trans boy, but he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to force his son to come out to him before he was ready. So when his son finally tells him, he just goes, “Da. Is good.” He gives him a pat on the head and that’s that. Since he knew it was coming, he doesn’t have any problem using he/him pronouns. He’ll offer to help his son work out more so he can bulk up and pass better. The only trouble he has is that if his kid wants to change his name to something more masculine, Heavy at least wants to help him choose, since he gave him his birth name to start with and he thinks its only fair he gets to help pick his new name.

Demo - He just laughs at himself for not having realized sooner and he says something like, “Well that’s the shock of the century!” He’ll simply ask his daughter what he can do to make her happy and more comfortable, since that’s the most important thing to him. He’s so proud of her for figuring this out, and he sees it as a wonderful thing they should be celebrating. He’s kind of ecstatic about it, and if his daughter is okay with him telling other people, he’ll keep going around like, “Did you hear I have a daughter? Isn’t that great? Can you believe that?” He’ll want to throw her a big ‘coming out’ party when/if she’s ready for that. He doesn’t normally send out formal invitations for parties but he will for this one because he wants to print cheesy “It’s a girl!” cards.

Engineer - He had thought something like this might be the case, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions. When his kid tells him that he’s a trans guy, Engie sits down with him on the porch for a nice long talk about it. He completely accepts him, but he wants to understand it better, so he asks why he feels that way, how he came to that conclusion, and what he wants to do now that he’s figured that out. He’s a good listener and he’s quick to help his kid work through any problems he has with his gender and his transition. He’ll say something along the lines of, “Listen. I’m your father. It’s my job to make sure you’re safe and happy, and if this is how you gotta be happy, I’m all for it.” He knows how hard this is going to be for his son, though, so he makes sure to make it clear that if his son ever needs help and support, he’s going to be right there for him. 

[feralhogs]

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

NO

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[gdreamzseternal]

I love getting called ableist too...

When I’ve never had a conversation with someone about my beliefs that wasn’t interrupted, shushed or tossed aside with a phrase based around,

“Yeah but you grew up differently”

As if because I didn’t grow up in the fucking rich white stereotype I’m not allowed to have an opinion. My father was a racist rich white business man and my mother a poor mentally ill black woman. I am the child of two monsters from two different sides of the spectrum. I learned to be objective by learning not to feel anything and that if I did I needed to squash it and move on ASAP.

Didn’t have the lovely mommy and the fun daddy. I didn’t have the cool uncle and I didn’t get to go to Granny’s house on the weekends. And because of all that because of the things that made me the way I am my opinion is less valid than everyone else’s.

Just because I didn’t grow up in a stereotype.

Just because I should have grown up in a stereotype.

Just because I was raised in a raw world. Not in a world that has so many filters on it... all the kids can’t watch the scary stuff... all the kids can’t stay out that late... all the kids can’t have that candy... all the teenagers can’t do this.... the teenagers should do that.... oh I never had any of that. I am what I am because the earth raised me to be a human being.

I don’t have the bias of thinking of other human beings, about politics and civil rights.

Because up until 2017 I was still living in slave times. I was still the nigger and my father really called me that... down on my knees and took off his boots and I got beat if I didn’t listen.... And I was that stereotype of well we can’t prove it so it’s not happening.

Then even when there was the bruise the size of a 55-year-old man’s fist on an 11-year-old girl. They said that’s OK.

No worries.

I don’t talk like all these crazy psycho Nazis and fascists who just hate human beings just because.

I have every reason to believe that human beings are evil because whether it be

my parents

or the teachers

or the politicians

or the police

or the fire

fighters

or the animal shelter volunteers

they are all vile creatures.

And I would much rather live a life on a planet with only beautiful four-legged and flying creatures. Then to have to interact with another human being for a single day.

Because there’s never been an animal in this entire world, there’s never been a tree or a raindrop or a leaf that has destroyed me and made me feel the way other human beings do. So there is nothing any of you can ever say that will ever convince me that any of you are worth living and breathing oxygen.

And no matter what you can all walk all over me and you can all just call me crazy. But I know that just because I am diagnosed with every type of insanity possible. That I am still of sound mind. Because I made the choice to only focus on making myself the perfect human being. And it’s more fun to watch you all suffer then to fight to make you all change.

So have fun with your gender politics. Have fun with your trans rights and your gay rights

and who’s gonna run the big scary country of this place and that place.

Enjoy your war in the streets and the raping of your people.

Because this is just the human race showing their true colors.

I’m just glad that I’ve seen all of this stuff happening since pretty much the day I was born. I’ve been preparing for the day that the human race collapses on itself. And it’s starting...

I remember being little and fascinated with the whole apocalypse mentality. But especially living in shitty America now in 2019. It doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea anymore.

[askagenderfluidandgenderflux]

Help! I forgot I put my preferred name on one of my college apps and they sent me mail. I’m not out to my parents and I think they’ve seen it! I don’t know what to do!

Friend,

First, take a deep breath. From what it sounds like, you aren’t entirely sure whether you parents did see it or not, so err on the side of caution, assume they didn’t and hide it. If you’re not in a place where you’re ready to come out, don’t mention anything to your parents. Don’t pry them for information, nothing. This will just raise suspicion that might not even be there in the first place.

If you find out they did see:

1. Is your name common? You might be able to get away with saying that you think they may have sent it to the wrong address. It might not completely erase suspicions, and you’ll want to contact the university and change your name, but it should save you some time. You do this only if they ask you about the mail specifically- until then, you pretend you never even saw it or that you threw it away because ‘it wasn’t yours.’ 

2. Figure out other ways this could have happened. Is the name distinctly of a gender you weren’t assigned? No? Then say that you weren’t sure of their privacy policy and you gave them a different name intentionally. (might not work with all parents, but if your parents are like mine, it’ll ease some suspicion). Do you have a friend who would cover for you (best if your friend is moving or has a home that is unstable), say that they asked you to get the information for them, and that since it wasn’t for you, you didn’t really want your name on it. Figuring out something that will work could take some brainstorming, but essentially, playing off things your parents say all the time is going to work in your favor. (I usually use the privacy policy thing with my parents bc my dad’s a computer geek and is paranoid about everything regarding information use by institutions). 

3. Do not bring it up. Even if your parents do know, they might be like mine, who probably know that I’m gay but won’t say anything unless I force them to acknowledge it. Worst case scenario there, you deal with a perpetual feeling of space in the relationship between you and your parents. Best case scenario, you were wrong and they don’t know, and this prevents you from coming out before you’re ready.

4. If they ask, do not over-explain. Act confused at first, because this will give them the indication that it either was so unimportant to you that you forgot, or that you genuinely weren’t the cause, or that you never knew to begin with. Any of those are better options. Coming clean is easier later, but at first you should always act like you have no idea what they’re talking about.

5. Act casual. You will be nervous, but if you play it cool and shrug it off like it was just a mistake on someone’s end, or you had intentionally given them a different name for privacy purposes, the playing it cool will add believability.

6. How likely is it that your parents will kick you out/harm you if they do know? If it’s rather likely, get a getaway backpack ready. If you have a locker at school or a friend’s house you can keep it at, put it there. I believe transgenderteensurvivalguide has some good resources for building one there, but basically it’s: toiletries, especially small toothbrush&toothpaste, a pair of pants, two shirts, three pairs of underwear and socks, some granola bars or other easy-to-eat nonperishable food items, some cash if at all possible, portable phone charger & cable, etc. Some of these might take time to put together, but the most important things are the clothes, food, and toothbrush/toothpaste. If possible, see if you have a friend or supportive relative who would be willing to keep a few extra things like that ready for if you need it. Again, if you have a friend whose parents would likely take you in if needed, try to make them aware of the situation so they can be ready to, should the need arise.

7. How supportive would your school be? (especially important if it’s likely your parents will kick you out or otherwise harm you). If it seems pretty safe, talk to a guidance counselor or other trusted teacher. Yes, they are mandatory reporters, but if nothing has happened yet, the only thing they can really do is keep an eye on the situation. Again, having someone who you know you can turn to if shit hits the fan for real will be the biggest relief. 

8. There are likely support systems in place to help you, should you truly get kicked out or otherwise harmed. The Trevor Project and HRC will probably have good resources, but also check and see if there are children&family shelters in your area (salvation army is not safe, I’m afraid. they have a history of turning away LGBTQ+ people and their supporters.) It’s likely there are, or there are ones close. Check the churches in your area- especially Methodist churches. If you have a Methodist church in your area, it’s very likely that you will be able to find someone to help you. As shitty as a lot of churches can be, the Methodists are some of the most actually-Jesus-following people I know, and will often have programs in place or be willing to figure something out if you’re in need.

9. Don’t kill yourself. Yes, this is scary, yes, this is terrifying and probably the most potentially heartbreaking experience you have ever had. But whatever happens, you will survive, you will manage, and eventually you will thrive. I know it may not seem like it right now, but you can. Call the Trans Lifeline: US 877-565-8860, Canada 877-330-6366. By Trans people, for trans people. They intimately know the terror you’re feeling, and they will be so kindhearted. This does not have to be the end, no matter how scary it is.

10. If your parents get violent, call the police. I’m not kidding. If they hurt you, if they make a move to hurt you, I don’t give a fuck that they’re your blood- you run and you call the police. Whether the police see that you got hurt or not, they will see a young kid who is literally terrified their parents are going to hurt them, and there will be someone who will check in on that.

For scenarios like these, my advise is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Put these tips in your head and have them ready at a moment’s notice. Have a plan for if you’re right and your home is no longer safe. Be ready, but don’t be reckless. Play it cool as long as you possibly can, longer than you think you need to, even.

Stay safe, stay loved,

Rowan

[to-future-self]

This is very long and unplanned

Well, hello

So, I diverge from my parents. Like most adolescents, I do, yes, disagree with my parents. I know, I know, shocker.

I find it to be very scary, really. Suddenly, those who always had the answer don't have it anymore. And, once again, the fact that there is no certainty in life slaps me in the face again and again and again. Sometimes I worry I'll never get used to it, to life. I feel as if no one really does, but I don't think this is the uplifting mantra I want to carry throughout my existence. "No one will ever understand what we are supposed to do, because we aren't supposed to do anything!" Living isn't supposed to be meaningful, not by default. But I do know that the only one who can attribute meaning to life is the individual living it.

The fact that we are all individuals is the reason there will never be true peace. No, we're too different, all of us, in so many ways. This doesn't mean we can't coexist with those differences, but I don't believe there's any plausible scenario (and by that I mean, no thought reforming BS or total human annihilation) where everyone is quiet and happy. This is one beautiful and terrifying thing about humans, we're bound to noise, never to silence.

A community, whether we like it or not, is not homogeneous. It's a bunch of individuals that are scrunched together and not mixing, no matter how hard some try. Every single one of us is just weirdly unique, with our own objectives, likes, dislikes, good and not so good facts and beliefs. We're all just existing, and we all have the right to since we all have value. To exist is, supposedly, very valuable in itself.

I'll get to the value of a human being and MY OWN VALUE as a human being eventually, don't worry. I looove rambling in tiresome texts.

But let's get to the point, at least the initial one: Should all people be allowed to exist? Or, at least, should people be able to experience freedom or is it more secure to tame it in some capacity?

Now, what do I mean about that?

My parents are not anti-racists, they also are quite careless when it comes to cute 2020 surprise, Corona, and my dad is quite unfond of concepts such as feminism. Ok, they do sound like idiots, and that worries me because they're not. And it kills me that I can't love them less for it.

I came to the conclusion that one can't end an idea. Ideas are created and exist, immortal, but not undiscussable. Therefore, racism or sexism or any bad-ism will never end, as long as there's someone out there that truly believes it, or some kind of registration, either being through manuscripts and historical papers of some sort or just through the impact the past makes in the present and future (as a 16-year-old, my conclusions are not mind-blowing, they're mostly stupid and lame and not original).

And those bad-isms exist because of the conflict we, humans, will never get rid of. Bad-isms exist because some believe that others, different from them, shouldn't exist, or are not correct, or are inferior to them for some reason. Basically, you shouldn't exist, because you're not like me. And to disagree with those is plausible, right? Everybody should have the right to exist, even if harmony is unachievable. RIght?

That's when you get movement, revolution, opposition, which is great. Not easy nor pretty, even though some think so (yes, I'm looking at you, miss ˜I-Like-Romanticising-History". Did you enjoy Hamilton?) Those people who were massively mistreated through the course of human existence are screaming, and the world starts to notice their voice. And it's just so fucking amazing, even if things aren't fixed, and most likely never will. Things are slowly getting better. Hurray!

Hurray?

Now, I'm no expert in social sciences. Actually, I'm no expert in anything, I'm sixteen. But it is bizarre to see how people have a hard time looking past their own nose. Me included, obviously, but let's talk about that later. Ok, things got better, but they're not good. It's not very difficult to find some numbers stating how many black people die every day because of cop violence, or how many women are being abused every day in any social sphere they're inserted in, or how many trans people are beaten to death every day because of their identity. And that's me not remembering many, many other examples of how things are not alright. We're not walking on sunshine. However, to those who do not really experience any of it, or care to know about it, this is very foreign. Those are people who look at the past, think "Yikes. Good thing the world is not like that anymore!", and go live their lives carelessly. They don't see anything wrong with the now, now is good, and they don't understand how there are people who are still complaining! Hello-o, you got your rights, shut up already!

That, gentleladies and gentlemen and gentlenon-binary, is my father.

And that same father feels like he has no right to be wrong, or of disagreeing with people. He's terrified of the idea of limitation of freedom, he thinks it will lead to some kind of new dictatorship, and "they" are already working on it - "They" being the masterminds behind a to-be controlled world of some sort. Therefore, according to my dad, we can't get someone arrested for thinking the most absurd or saying the most absurd, because 1. They haven't done anything tangible yet, 2. Even if they're complete and utterly disgusting, they have the right of believing and saying whatever they want.

I feel as if this is the main ideological conflict we have nowadays (I'm not sure, I don't know way too much about the world to have an opinion, but we'll go back to that too). We have people who want to diminish, control, or even exterminate others, but, if they don't effectively do anything, should they be punished? As someone who isn't affected by many of the violence in the world today, I don't know.

Because I know there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening, bad-isms are always going to be there, but we need to keep trying to make them almost nonexistent. But then, you can't convince people, or explain to them, the damages of something through violence. This type of change can't happen through force, because it won't clarify anything to those who don't know or don't care. This doesn't mean passivity, but it means effective dialogue and loads of patience and, honestly, that's really hard too. I don't think there will be many people willing to persist in a (most likely) one-sided conversation with their abusers. And that's to say that all people can be convinced, which is not the case at all! People are stubborn, especially when they're talking about something they feel deeply about, such as their moral compass or their beliefs.

I'm afraid I advocate for different types of resistance or social change because I don't know what it feels like. Because I don't understand suffering. I understand anger, sadness, and guilt, but not suffering. Not truly. And then, I must not forget that I have been raised by my parents, who believe that yes, anyone can be proven wrong, and yes, you should be able to think freely, no matter how disgusting what you think about is. And I thought I agreed with that too until the day I realized I'm terrified of judgment, and again the day of the racist episode in my school happened.

Some guys had a Whatsapp group. I have no idea what they talked about usually, but I, and the entirety of my city (and the internet, obviously), got to see bits of a terrifying conversation. They were talking about what girls they would rape, but then they got to one in particular. Since she was black, she was worth less than a piece of gum, raping her was disgusting, she would smell awful and they would prefer to sell her on the internet. You know, like a slave. LOL.

People can be inhuman sometimes. Later, I would discuss this episode with my parents. It was sort of inevitable since it was all over the news, but it made me feel awful. Because "Hell, they're kids! Stupid kids, but they didn't do anything. Everything could be racism then, you know? Who is to judge what is and isn't? What will they do next, invade our privacy? Check if we are or aren't conforming to what 'they' believe is right? People say stupid shit all the time! What will 'they' do, arrest everyone?" Holy shit, the way they diminished the situation, the way they made it about something else! I know they don't agree with the kids, but what the fuck, no empathy at all? "The girl must hear that every day, she's fine" FUCK, WHAT ABOUT THAT IS FINE??

And then, well, I realized I'm not my parents. And then I realized I still love them. A lot. And that scares me. I hope I'm not a victim of unconditional love, it makes you accept the unacceptable. But I love my parents, and it will take more than them ignoring human suffering for me to stop. Like, my dad voted (and seems to be in love with) for a guy who thinks "people like me" should be beaten as a child to "take the gay out of them", and I still love him. It is fucking terrifying.

Then, I get to one of my greatest self-doubts. Am I critical of violent methods of action because, deep down, I believe there should be no action? People should just exist? What is the best next step to coexisting? Should voices be shut by the voiceless? Are voiceless shutting anyone up? Should people care or not? If we don't care, there's eternal apathy, but if we do, there's just a great war of interest. What is right? Who determines what is right? Can people be wrong if being wrong means suffering? Am I scared of knowing things because then I'll have to acknowledge I'm really, truly horrible and have been doing everything wrong? Am I that scared of disagreeing with what I believe is true? Of what people I respect and want to like me believe is true?

Unanswered. I think. I don't know.

Hi, I'm someone highly dependent on others' opinions about me. Not so long ago, I noticed that I lie. All the time. To the point I don't remember things I said, or can't keep up with them. 'Cause I need to be liked. I need so much to be liked I don't think I have opinions I haven't borrowed from other people. I can't act by myself, I feel the need of having someone tell me what to do, what is right, what is wrong, how to live. Shit, I ruined my friendship with the only people I talked to in 5 years because I projected all my insecurities and a sense of right and wrong on them and then blamed them for it. And now, while I'm trying to stop some of my bad habits, such as lying, I am so lost. So, so lost. And I don't know if that's because I lost my sense of identity once those who told me how to be are not there anymore or because this is me. Actually me. And I hate it. I feel as if anyone I knew before now was just meeting a facade.

I don't like what I used to like anymore. I don't read, don't draw, don't write, only sing when at the verge of tears, almost never listen to music, don't dance alone at 3 A.M., don't make pancakes, can't stand my birds, haven't changed clothes in almost a month, don't seem to find the most hilarious shit funny. I'm giving cooking a try, it's been very fun when I'm alone. That's another thing: being alone sucks, but it's how I want to be 99% of the time.

I always struggled with feeling good about myself. Because the bits that I knew were entirely me never seemed appealing to most people. Sometimes I can't stand myself so much that I make myself stop thinking, fearing that someone might think my thoughts are uninteresting. I never felt so uninteresting in my life. My biggest thrill recently has been planning how to organize the notes in my binder, and I'm not even good at it. If I could, I would shut up forever, because I never know what to say. I'm terrible at it, convos. Recently, I had this breakdown because I was searching "How to talk to people" on Youtube. I never felt so pathetic, so useless… So I cried for about 3 hours.

Actually, I always feel as if I am wrong. Nothing I do is ever right. It's very fun, this constant feeling that everybody hates you and is just keeping up with your bullshit since they're too polite to just say "You suck". It's so weird that I'm constantly telling myself that if people knew the truth about me, I would be completely alone. So I'm constantly telling myself how I should just cut everyone out of my life so they don't have to waste so much on me. And it's all in my head but if I don't talk to anyone, it'll come true, but if I do talk, people will just realize how much of a piece of shit and nothing I am.

My therapist once told me that I'm not obliged to be entertaining all the time and that I can be boring, but the truth is that I don't know anything. I am very much filled with just air and, if I don't make things up, people will be just stuck there with absolutely nothing. And then leave. And it will be all my fault, as it usually is.

I think the most pathetic recent thing I've done is to become possessive of this pillow I have. I use it to feel less lonely at night, sometimes I like to pretend it is my boyfriend and just hold it real tight (not really because then "I would be crushing him"). God, I've cried so much against this pillow and slept with it so much to the point I can't sleep unless I'm hugging something. And, sometimes, when my sister lies in the bed with me, I don't let her lie on top of it. Do you know when children have those clothes they get really attached to? I feel like that. Memory Boy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if it's creepy. But it is the truth.

By the way, I'm so sorry if I talk too much and don't give you the chance to talk. Or if I'm never talking to you. This seems contradictory, but I miss you so fucking much and I really love you. I'm really sorry I'm not present, I'm just not myself enough or interesting and I really don't want you to see me like this.

My family is not really respecting the quarantine, and they convinced me to go out with them a few times. And I hate it. So much. I become paranoid that I'm part of the problem and I'll kill someone or that people will know that I'm out and scream with me and hate me and judge me and hate me. And my fucking dad thinks everything is fine and dandy and if he goes out without a mask he won't infect anyone and if he gets infected and dies it's fine because life goes on without him and this whole thing will be over in no time he can show you the fucking numbers because only 100 people are dying per day in this state, isn't this great? People are still dying, my dad doesn't seem to care because "you do you. If there are some idiots who don't care, let them die. Why does it concern you?" as if this isn't a situation where your actions affect the people around you and as if I shouldn't care if people die and as if I shouldn't care if my own fucking father dies because "they chose to do so to themselves". Fucking amazing. Thanks, Dad, I'm so less worried now.

And, when I refuse to go out, my family blames me for being no fun at all or "having a phobia of the outside.", since I have absolutely no reason not to go, everything is fine and dandy now, shopping malls are reopening and there's no way a second wave could happen, no sir. And, when I do go out, I try to wear things I would never wear and avoid phones so there's no proof I was outside. And, when I come back, I start searching for pictures of me between those pictures taken of people outside and feeling guilty, so guilty for going because if I didn't want to go, I could have not gone. And then I'll feel terrible and hate myself and cry and want to hurt myself, even though I won't. And just feel bad for it forever because it's my fault that I went outside and I could have just stayed, why didn't I stay, now everyone will hate me so much and I'll have contributed to the death statistics in my country and people will call me out for it and hate and never talk to me again and I'll have killed someone and made their family miserable and it will be all my fucking fault as usual because I could keep my ass home.

And oh my god, I'm so great. I'm so completely fine, I have nothing to worry about and I keep creating problems when I could just shut up. Sometimes I feel as if my feelings are wrong and far too much so I try to pretend they don't exist because, well, they shouldn't. I have no real reason to feel as sad or angry as I do all the time, especially when there are people with real problems out there and I'm just shoving the fucking great life I have against their faces and pretending as if it is the worst. When, actually, I make up all my problems and I should just stop whining and just be fucking happy already because I have no reason to feel sad and angry. I just wrote down some things that are on my mind but they're so fine and not a problem at all. I just really hate being too much.

Honestly, I usually re-read my letters to correct it and make it coherent, but I won't this time. I seriously blacked out while writing this and just am not willing to revisit right now. I've been writing this for three days now and, most of it I did in a row. Spent two days in the beginning and then an entire day just vomiting words nonstop. I'm sorry if it was long.