#like im sorry thats not how i envisioned her

[zitrovee]

MH doodles and concepts

First just random fanart

I love sweet water lagoona im sorry shes so cute

Now then those are mostly designs i stopped working on for many reasons and i can barely find good images of them now cause theyre not even on my computer. Maybe i revisit them in the future but who knows

First something i tried together w the beach fan design- literally a gamer inspired line lol called gamer ghouls. i hate how drac turned out but the heart-shaped switch is something cool- i like frankie’s outfit and ghoulia is my fave here.  its funny cause something i always think when i make g3 designs is ‘’how can i include drac in this’’ cause realistically my line of thinking is ‘’would these sell’’ and drac sells. i also try to keep in mind materials and how well the items would perform as toys too. drac is hideous here tho.  the ghouls drinking monster was super funny in my head

drac in uniform sketch cause why not

this is a rough one. its for g1, i came up w the concept talking to an old friend, bonita and venus were her favorite dolls and i came up with the concept of a cybergoth inspired Bonita doll and a more slick also cyber inspired figure for venus (shes barely sketched there).

we had LOTS of creative differences (i came with a color pallete much, much different from that since i was inspired by cybergoth, focusing on neon and dark colors) and specially after some personal stuff i just gave up. i still like the concept but i cant really stand working with a concept in mind just to realize the other person isnt interested unless its their way. i wish i can revisit her in the future and apply the stuff i actually envisioned for her- but well, so far thats what we got. cant say im happy aside from the silhouette.

some other reaaally rough ideas for the beach line project for g3. i did most of those during my office work lol. those are for ghoulia. for her i wanted to keep in mind her 50s theme from g1 actually cause i love it so much. thats where the glam chill look came from. then i was like eh its nice but new ghoulia is way more rad and sporty so i tried to think of her doing surf (i also have sketches for deuce in surf attire so they would be fun) i have so many of those all over my house cause when g3 was barely launching i was so excited. and so bored at work. so i just got every paper note i could to sketch random ideas lol Also SILLY OC ALERT!!!

This was mostly a joke but i made her thinking of ET Bilu from a brazilian urban legend lol. thinking of her as a scary skinny legend w stereotypical and hilarious proportions common to old MH dolls was what inspired me at first but then also the whole 2012 pop diva look. Shes just a funny little gal. busquem conhecimento!

[nyukyusnz]

hi! moot game!

moots as k-pop idols!

⤑✧∘ hii !! im sure you meant as existing idols but im sorry im just gonna throw them into a group together with positions and facts im so sorry i cant assign them as actual idols . </3 [ i wasnt ezactly sure and i tries thinking about this ] ∘✩

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @misoxhappy — main dancer , sub vocalist , face of the group , leader . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @taekoscrr — lead dancer , main vocalist . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @slytherinshua — lead dancer , sub rapper , sub vocalist . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @skz-minchan-enthusiast — main dancer , lead vocalist . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @143sourdough-pancakes — sub vocalist , lead dancer . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ @xo-lesserafim — maknae , sub vocalist , main rapper . •°. *࿐

[ all visuals ]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ kei is ... KEI IS EVERYTHING 🤯🤯 okay im pretty sure in her carrd she said she loves dancing and i already envisioned her as main or lead dancer <33 obviously . but i think she could also play an amazing role as a leader ,, she just ... LEADS like that . and then she can be a sub vocalist and shes everything shes the fotg . ♡ •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ alice ,,,,,, something about alice i just hear lead dancer ??? AND I HEAR THOSE HIGH NOTES IN THE DISTANCE 📈📈📈📈📈📈📈 shes amazing shes rlly sweet and i could hear her hitting the most amazing high notes while doing her lil dance🙏🏽🙏🏽 . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ zanna ,,,,, i feel like zanna would just be good at dancing yk ? 😭😭 but at the same time we love a good rapper and her raps are as good as her writing 🙏🏽‼️ also her vocals shes like that <33 we love zanna . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ jenny ,, i can just see her doing some of the best dances ,, the dance breaks belong to her and kei >>> and she can also be an amazing vocalist because shes like that okay ??? thats just how i see it she owns this !! •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ idk i just feel like livvy would be good at dancing yk ???? like ,,, it just feels that way !! and she gets a pretty solid amount of lines too so thats good on her <3 . •°. *࿐

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚➼ deni ,, youre a baby so like obviously youre the maknae 🤡🤡 but like tell me you dont seem like youd be a rapper ???? i cant see you as any other position like that 🙏🏽 idc what anyone even you say youre the main rapper you carry . you dont take a lot of vocal parts but sometimes itll be like ,, you and jenny but you just mainly rap yk !! •°. *࿐

⤑✧∘ ive never done anything like this ,,, and this is just how i envisioned everything so im not saying these are really accurate i just went with my head okay 🙏🏽‼️ ∘✩

[hhelliish]

Some Seven Deadly Sin design ideas i felt i needed to write down somewhere

Lucifer (Pride): he is the character ive worked most on out all of them

currently his design is going through some changes. for one i want him to be more goat like. i still want to keep his sharper nose cuz i just really like that one him, but hes going to start looking more like a furry as the days pass sorry not sorry

his personality i dont plan on changing. he's going to remain a more standoff-ish and quiet, coming off as cold. but on his other side he is actually quite caring and passionate about taking care of his family, his people, and Hell itself

Sathanas (Wrath): hes a bit tricky. i didnt want him to be so predictable by being a meet head jock or something. so i decided to go the business man route.

im thinking of also making him more animal like. maybe a bull to represent the wrath part of him to get a better idea. he also 100% has glasses he's a nerd

personality; similar to Lucifer he's quiet and intimidating, but more like the opposite spectrum. he comes off as more stern and serious, not taking anyones shit and he means it

Beelzebub (Gluttony): my silly. ive grown heavily attached to him

entirely going into a bug look for him. in my mind he looks a bit human but has a lot of bugs features like antenna's, four pairs of arms, huge insect wings, differently bent legs, and possibly abdomen im not entirely sure about that yet

i always pictured him to be very carefree, silly, but really off putting and strange. bro totally eats corpses and thats ok because hes funny <3

he also has a wife and child. she let him hit cuz hes goofy

Asmodeus (Lust): this again is a tricky one cuz i really want him to be unique but translate his design that doesnt feel overcomplicated to design. because if you know how he really looks, its a lot

i do have in mind i want him to be fat as im tired of the definition of Lust being this skinny guy. fat people can be hot af and i want that to be more pushed

i was also thinking with how Asmodeus has more than one face, i either thought he could change his features by waving a hand in face that changes everytime like magic. or he spins his head like a doll and appears a new face every so often. not entirely sure with what i want to do but the separate faces i dont think i want to make to be different people, rather just different appearances

Asmodeus is also a kind and full of passion for others. he has several partners that he all treats very well and is not purely out of lust

Mammon (Greed): again, this is a hard one

Mammon in my mind can be many things and its hard for me to decide what he looks like. so he is the one thats the most work in progress as for some reason its just difficult for me

as for personality, hes by far the nastiest out of all the Sins. besides Belphegor, he very much embraces the sin he represents and doesnt feel bad about it. hes a man of the status quo and likes to be the bigger person power or wealth wise.

even though when being ranked alongside the other seven sins he isn't that powerful compared to Sathanas, Beelzebub, or definitely Lucifer

so hes kind of compensating all the time for his broken ego LOL

Leviathan (Envy): SEA WITCH SEA WITCH

ive been so excited to design her and im gonna go all out with the deep sea monster look. i envision her as a kind of kelpie/siren kind of monster creature girl that has hair covering her face but a huge creepy smile. shes got lots of teeth like a shark

personality so far is that shes a bit creepy. she likes to make herself look as if her spine is cracking in half and loves fucking with people. but sometimes her creepiness is just who she is. no one can tell when shes being serious or being an ass

Belphegor (Sloth): the last furry i promise (not)

yeah, i may be stealing the idea of what Vizviepop is doing with her Belphegor. not like entirely tho since we still dont know what she looks like. but my Belphegor is going to be a sheep for certain

i want her to be the shortest out of all the Sins and look like the fairly unthreatening one. but thats where she gets you cuz actually all along her fluffy wools is eyeballs that pop out of nowhere and scare the hell out of you

her attitude to me is more predictable for Belphegor by being noncaring, monotone, and sleepy. but i honestly cant think of her in any other way it just fits best. i imagine she never even walks she just floats around with a pillow and sleeps randomly

these are just concept ideas btw but i needed to air this out to someone so i hope you guys enjoy seeing my thought process <3

[concretebed]

Favourite songs from your top artist?

AWESOME question. my top artist is king krule so i'll give u a long list

1. cementality - for obvious reasons. i've named myself after this song on liek every platform. and this song is so fucking sad. like it's talking about suicide and having worms in your brain basically and it's so somber and i love it i eat it up.

2. the locomotive - i don't have a super. real reason for this being #2 it's just my absolute fav off of the ooz. i interpret it as being scared of change and like taking that step onto the metaphorical train of life

3. emergency blimp - another one from the oooozzzz but i liek this one because the lyrics, again, are relatable. it's about his like. idk mistrust of pills to treat mental issues and how like idk the pills make him feel not great. also there's definitely something about love in here but im not a great critical analyzer so.

4. energy fleets - MAN ALIVE!!!!! this i think is an underrated king krule song. it's so good. i think it's about coming to terms with the fact that maybe youre not who you thought you'd be! but thats ok! youre you! and all your illnesses are you and while that sucks its okay. youre alive.

5. seaforth - okay yesss a little bit cliche to like his first single after a few years of NOTHING but it's WHATEVER i don't care it's so good. i see you, my same eyes. it's so fucking good it's like a lullaby when i have a baby im probably gonna sing it to her

6. out getting ribs - clichè, clichè, clichè (beyoncé reference) who cares it's such a good freaking song. it's timeless and it's awesome and seeing it live was probably one of the best moments of my 2023 i think everyone should listen to that song once even if they never listen to king krule ever after that.

7. turtle neck man - technically not a king krule song but he's the vocals so who cares. i just like this one cuz it scratches a itch in my brain.

8. arise dear brother - this is a song off his mixtape under his real name and it's like so good. idk some people don't like a new place to drown but i think it's SO funky! arise dear brother has this like vibe to it that i fuck with really hard. and i like the lyrics and the beat and whatever makes that clicking noise in the song it's awesome

9. 363N63 - this song is just like sex in my ears sorry i don't really have a reason it's just good

10. seagirl - i LOVE this song because i think king krule needs to do MORE COLLABS WIRH ARTISTS I LIKE. ITS AWESOME. also because this song makes me envision like a fisherman falling in love with a mermaid and he keeps drawing her to prove to people like look she's real and no one believes him but she's like im ur seagirl. whatever thats a very literal interpretation of the song but it's okay

i hope u liked this it was only supposed to be 5 songs but im crazy bout my ginger so

[zialltops]

ive mustve binged esos a million times now i swear its sooooo good thank u author 🛐🛐 btw sorry if it's weird but i kind of drew fanart of esos?? its how i envisioned reader in her prom dress - i just love that scene sm i dont know why. thank u for creating this fic, it has consumed me whole.

STOP IT NO YOU DID NOT?!? That is so freaking cool 🥹🥹🥹 thats one of my favorite scenes right there 🥹🥹 im so so glad you like it, it lives in my head rent free all day like that really is my man 🫶🏻🤣 whats a girl got to do to see this prom dress 🥹

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

U dont have to respond to this if you feel its tmi or whatwver but ... I had an odd prophetic dream kind of moment recently , and its been makingme nervous. I had a dream that, Me, my father, and his girlfriend were being spied on/chased after by someone.. Something like that. It came completely out of the blue and i didnt think anything of it! then, that morning, i get a call from my father that hes in town , and that he has to tell me something urgently , and when we meet he tells me that .... For context, his girlfriend 's ex husband is a person with a lot of money and power. and tells me that He has been actively threatening them+has also been threatening my fathers daughter . And that I should be very careful because people like this are capable of everything. Just that night I was visiting the lost all hope website. Ive been in a very bad mental slum . This somehow really , idk, it felt real. It put my troubles aside , because what is happening is real and , there's something . Talking about my dream... I wish I could, and idk how to connect further with this side of myself. I wish i could somehow keep this spiritual feeling ? I really wish there was more things like this happwnign to me. and i know i need to seek them out. but idk how to do it. because im instead stuck in my own head... My father told me i should turn and talk to my spiritual teachers, and ask for them to guide me. I dont know how to go about it. I feel like I need something magical to happen. I really know very little about this stuff. On another note, and im rly sorry if this makes u nervous, ihad a dream tonight that something happened to pochita , and when I woke up i instantly went to ur blog to check on pochita .-.;; I know pochita will be ok though...

awh i am happy to answer this anon, i am happy u cld come to me about it. firstly i want to say i really hope you are ok, ill b praying for you and ur family anon. try to tell urself like a mantra, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper". try to create a feeling of safety in ur heart as u think/say it. envision your family being guarded by an angel army. people with money who use it for evil, they're the most doomed souls. they're living at the lowest frequency possible. you have power over them that u can utilize w your heartfelt prayers. now, as for the dreams: i believe that you may have experienced an ESP dream, picking up on the worries of ur father. its no coincidence, im telling you! from what u psychically were picking up, your dream may have provided a scenario thats priming u to handle this predicament. it shows great sensitivity to be able to not only facilitate an esp dream, but to recall it and apply it to real life. you're on your way anon 🤍 more things like this can happen the more u open urself up to them. however, you cant force it! the more u try to force it, the more it'll repel itself. its hard to explain but.. prayer and study will open up more avenues. listen to whats happening in the back of ur mind. for me, i actually have way more prophetic visions in waking life than in dreams. it took years to rly trust my intuition the way i do now, years of constantly having unusual hunches then being proven right. its a lifelong journey, look forward to it~ ur father is right, ask your guides or angels or whoever, ask them to show u the next step. the magic is all around u, its in the small things, try to notice them and dont ever write anything off as coincidence. thats my advice.. and as for your dream of pochita, i appreciate yr concern ;w; the thing w dream interpretation is, altho u get the occasional prophecy coming thru, most dreams are not meant to be taken too literally. i suspect it was a stress dream and since pochita's injury has been on people's minds lately, ur dream was using her to symbolize something in ur subconscious. she's doing just fine laying at my feet as i type this 🤍 thanku for caring her 🤍 u seem like a sweetheart and i pray for ur family's safety. dont give up hope anon. there are miracles in your future!!!!!!!!!

[agrarianradfem]

hey

i wanna be a proud radical feminist but i feel like that would force me to reject trans ppl and that would essentially make my life hell bc ive seen the shit they do ppl they disagree with

ive read all this shit about how terfs are a hate group and think men bad women good and are racist and colonialist and shit and it makes me think twice bc i don’t wanna be part of a legit hate group but i also dont wanna be part of a group of ppl who say “thats so gender” when they see a haircut they like and i definitely dont want to be part of the right like at all

am i a nazi for believing elliott page is still a woman? am i fucking crazy? like ive been having legit mental breakdowns over this and secretly reading terf groups at night for weeks now and now whenever i see a trans person i freak the fuck out on the inside and sometimes i start hyperventilating and i see them fucking everywhere bc i live on a college campus

i tried to bring it up with my counselor like “i don’t really get trans ppl and i dunno what to do about it” and shes like “me neither” but thats all it has ever been bc im scared im gonna be wrong and bad if i say more

i was a huge fucking hp fan as a kid and my mom gave me a hogwarts mug for christmas and i cant even look at it bc i just think of jkr and what happened to her

pls help me im so sorry for dumping on u

My first question is: what do you mean by proud? Do you envision yourself wearing tshirts with phrases like "The y chromosome is a defect" out in public? Because while such shirts might be funny (and fun to wear among friends), that's not what it is to be a radical feminist. Neither is posting radfem quotes to your public facebook or instagram, or anything else publicly confrontational. Instead, being a proud radical feminist is spending your time helping women. I like volunteering for food pantries/food banks/food rescues. Women and children are the most likely to be food insecure, so helping with food distribution fits well for me. But maybe something else is closer to your heart - like domestic violence shelters, rape crisis hotlines, mentoring female children, etc. Alternatively you could go into a job that helps women, like social work or medicine. Or you could become a foster parent who takes in girls, become a child advocate or doula. None of direct action really requires anything to do with trans anything. The number of trans people you'll run into is relatively small, and you're helping women and girls no matter how they feel (and people deserve to be helped anyway). I don't care if a trans woman comes for a food pantry volunteer position, or to pick up food at a distribution event. I'm not there to decide who is 'worthy' of giving their time or receiving help. And none of that is publicly confrontational like pins, shirts, and social media is. You do have a problem with trans people, clearly, since you're having psychological distress just at seeing someone who is or reads to you as trans. You've got to work on that. You cannot dictate the actions of others. And it's straight unhealthy to freak out at just seeing someone walking around minding their own business on campus. Students trying to get a speaker banned for transphobia is a problem, your dormmate from another floor walking to class is not a problem. You aren't a bad person for recognizing that Page and other trans people remain their biological sex, or believing that trans identity is a harmful backlash against feminism, or that porn is driving a lot of male transition, or that homophobia (for lesbians/bi women) is a driving force of transition. This is just recognizing the immutable fact of biological sex. Feeling bad for this recognition is something to work on - it's tied to women feeling guilt for every little thing. Let go of your guilt. My advice: LOG OFF. Reading radfem posts online is causing you real problems, and making you distressed about random people. Not good. Take a break. Realizing something is harmful for you, or that you have a limit that you've crossed is an important aspect of growing up and coming of age. Part of being mature is realizing what your limits are. And congrats, you've found a limit. You need to spend time reconnecting with the real world. Treat this like a good thing, something you've discovered about yourself that you now know going forward. Working on healing from this internet overload is a sign of maturity. Log off. Second: Do something directly useful that is meaningful to you. Ask other students for volunteer opportunities. Ask your counselor. Google for your area. See if there's an office for volunteering that can help you. This is related to logging off in that it reduces that amount of time you can spend online, and also introduces you to more people in real life. This helps develop nuance in your actions with others. Expands your understanding of where other people are coming from. And hopefully you can make some more friends. Be proud to be a feminist by helping women. Third: This is the hardest thing for many women: let go of your guilt and strengthen your backbone. Don't be afraid to be disliked. You aren't going to be able to please everybody. Enjoy your HP mug and if someone says something snide just say that the books were important to you and still are. Don't apologize for yourself. Don't feel guilt that you aren't living up to someone else's idea of what you should think about something.

And work on not imagining that everyone is watching you and trying to monitor your thoughts. That way lies serious paranoia. If no one says something to you, no one cares. Imagining the anger/disappointment/etc of others towards you is harmful behavior - you can't read minds. When you've healed, you can set boundaries and re-engage with some radical feminist literature. But I'd say give yourself AT LEAST 6 months away. And then really consider if it's going to be healthy for you to return or not. And if you do decide to return, engage not with twitter/tumblr/facebook/instagram, but with actual texts. Read Woman Hating. Read Invisible Women. Read a book about women in your field of interest. Texts that aren't just concerned with trans identity. You would have to build an understanding of radical feminism outside of transness, because no only is radical feminism about far more than trans identity, but without a foundational understanding of where radical feminism is coming from you can more easily once again fall down the rabbit hole into thinking that trans identity is the only thing that matters, etc. Delete your tumblr, your twitter. Lose your login info for your social media. As condescending as it can sound, it's nonetheless good advice: Go outside.

[butchpeabody]

you know what im sick and tired of seeing people with the incorrect opinion (/hj) on part 4 pride so heres MY headcanons

akira- 100% that is a gay man, i can see him being either cis or trans ngl? probably leaning towards trans

angelo- cishet ❤

aya- ive said this before but she is moriohs resident elder lesbian, i also think shes trans because with the way her stand works it makes WAY too much sense. definitely a mentor figure for yukako

josuke- my friend who got me into jojo headcanons him as a trans pan man and i think that holds!

joseph- i think cishet joseph is a very funny headcanon but i would be remiss to not say hes undoubtedly bisexual

jotaro- gay and arospec! i dont really have any strong opinions on gender headcanons for him but im gonna say hes trans to piss off cishet jojo fans

keicho- cishet 😔

koichi- i can see him being either gay or bi but im FIRM on him being an ace trans man

mikitaka- im of the belief he is actually an alien, so i think he has a different concept of gender to everyone else? he would be like the equivalent to a cis nonbinary, but hes definitely bisexual

okuyasu- thats a good ol himbo! cis gay man

reimi- maybe me being indulgent but i think she can be a nonbinary lesbian. one of those she/theys.

rohan- as much as i say i hate him that is undoubtedly a gay man. idk if he's cis or trans i havent put thought into it

shinobu- definitely bisexual, ive also been fond of her being trans recently? hayato is adopted and shes trying to figure out how to tell him, but in the end their relationship is stronger for it and he still loves her :)

tamami- cishet (as derogatory as you can comprehend)

teronosuke- hes one of them bisexual nonbinaries!!!!

tomoko- my serious headcanon for her is that shes bi. my joke headcanon is that eventually after being without joseph long enough she said "im sick of pretty boys. ive decided to only like girls now!" she is also cis

tonio- similar role to aya, but as a gay man. probably cis tho

hazamada: im not touching this one im sorry class

toyohiro- nonbinary mlm!! no cisgender person looks like that

yoshikage and yoshihiro: i cannot percieve either of them as anything other than cishet. i do not hate you if you hc kira as mlm i just cannot personally envision it .

yukako- withholding my essay for now, shes a cis lesbian! closeted at the time of part 4 though, she has stuff to work out :(

yuya: i wanna say transhet but i could also see him being bi

[crash-cinematic-universe]

Abed Nadir and his need to count the seconds

pairing: abed nadir/troy barnes (it’s Light but I wrote it with the intent for trobed)

summary: Abed Nadir hates being alone in general, so when his friends disappear and leave him alone in a sea of job-seeking students he struggles to keep his head above water. 

request:  okay wait ur abed headcanons got me thinking. abed angst. kings gotta have abandonment issues cuz of his parents YES I'm projecting a little bit. u don't have to do this if it makes u too sad tho - @ghost-butch

warnings: abandonment issues, anxiety attacks, s/h (kinda; in the form of clenching ur fists too hard)

notes: writing abed angst makes me sad ): why did i do this to him he deserves better. also im about to punch evil abed in the face ):< just over 2k words with this one so thats Cool also its midnight and i have school tomorrow arent i epic and cool. 

taglist: @simonsbluee

  _____________

            Fifteen minutes and twenty-two seconds. Abed had been lost for fifteen minutes and twenty-two second. Abed’s eyes were trained on the clock hanging on the wall, each tick of the second hand amplified in his head to a piercing shout. Everything was bigger; the lights were blindingly bright and his clothes felt as if they were clawing at his skin. With each passing second Abed became increasingly worried, his breath getting shallower and shallower with each rise of his chest. His eyes returned to the clock on the wall, his stomach jumping at the reading-- sixteen minutes and fourteen seconds.

            The study group had promised Abed they’d accompany him to the job fair. They promised they’d be by his side the entire time; Abed didn’t do well alone in large crowds, especially in new environments. He’d gotten distracted by an engineering booth in the corner with a large lego replica of the millennium falcon hanging in the corner. He looked away from his friends for no more than thirteen seconds, but in those thirteen seconds, they disappeared in the sea of students and booths and interns. Thus, leaving Abed completely alone in a mass of strangers in a building that he’d never seen before. 

            His anxiety had built up with every minute he was lost. It was gradual; he started with the initial panic, followed by frantic searching for familiar faces in the crowd. It wasn’t long after that when his heart rate began to pick up, and within minutes his skin felt as if it was on fire. Abed couldn’t really pinpoint exactly when he’d begun to shuffle backwards out of the large venue the job fair was held in. Before he knew it, he was at the end of a dimly lit hallway, completely alone. He slunk to the floor and pulled his knees to his chest.

            They’ll look for me, he thought. They’re probably looking for me now. Abed reached into his pocket for his cellphone before he realized he’d left it with Troy. The emptiness of his pocket felt endless, his hand tingling where the fabric of his shorts met his skin. The familiar whine that Abed let out when he became overwhelmed filled the empty hallway, the tone only making his anxiety worse. He cursed himself for not thinking ahead-- he’d left all of his fidget toys and putty in his messenger bag which he also left with Troy. 

            It was then that a tiny voice in the back of his head spoke up-- maybe they left, it called. Abed shook his head, but the voice persisted. They left you. They’re gone, and no one is coming for you. A familiar figure materialized in the vast shadows at the other end of the hallway; Evil Abed smirked at him from where he stood.

            “They’re gone,” He repeated. “They were waiting for something to draw you away for them so they could slip away,”

            “That’s not true.” Abed’s fingers absentmindedly dug into his palm. “They wouldn’t do that-- Troy wouldn’t do that. Jeff and Britta, maybe, but not Troy. Not Annie.” Truthfully, Abed didn’t believe that Jeff or Britta would leave, but he wasn’t thinking clearly in the moment.

            “Riddle me this, Abed, who does Troy respect more: you or Jeff? Who does he think is cooler? Who does he idolize more?” Evil Abed’s voice was smug and cruel. It felt as if his words were burrowing through his brain and fogging up his thoughts. “Sure, Troy might tolerate you, but he worships Jeff. If Jeff wanted to leave, then surely Britta and Annie would tag along. It’s inevitable that Troy would join them, isn’t it?” Abed shut his eyes tightly, but that didn’t do much to ward off his evil counterpart.

            A film played behind Abed’s eyelids, the poetic irony of his worst fears being portrayed through his favorite thing making his heart ache. There they were: Jeff, Britta, Troy, Annie, all standing in a tight group as Abed wandered off. Their expressions and movements were exaggerated, but Abed didn’t care. He just sat and watched as the scene unfolded.

            “God, I can’t believe he roped us into this,” Jeff groaned, his hands gripping his cellphone as if someone were going to take it from him. “What kind of loser can’t go to a damn fair by himself? I could have a hot redhead hanging on my arm at a sports bar and instead I’m babysitting a twenty-five-year-old.”

            “C’mon Jeff, we’re here for Abed. God knows if he came here alone he’d probably drive everyone here crazy with his “Inspector Spacetime” BS.” Britta chimed in, a tired tone in her voice. Annie looked antsy as always, while Troy looked unsure. Abed wasn’t sure of what, exactly. 

            Slowly, Abed  wandered a few feet away from the group. Jeff’s face lit up the same way it does when he sees an attractive student in the hallways. A borderline cartoon-ish grin grew on his face as he pulled the group tighter.

            “Hey, Abed’s gone. Let’s take this window and get the hell out of here while the cat is distracted by the lazer,” He chuckled. Britta smiled and nodded, quickly grabbing Annie’s hand in an attempt to pull her out. The three of them made their way to the exit, leaving Troy alone. He turned around to glance at Abed before rolling his eyes and running after Jeff. Abed was alone.

            The image faded away, and to Abed’s surprise, Evil Abed faded away with it. For a split second, Abed was disappointed. He really, really, really didn’t want to be alone-- even if his only companion was an evil version of himself. A minute passes before Abed realizes he was crying, that revelation followed by the realization that his fingernails dug into his palm so hard he broke the skin. His tears blurred his vision and made his surrounding seem much smaller, much darker, much lonelier. His eyes no longer portrayed a dim hallway. Instead, Abed saw the same tiny locker he was locked in so often as a teenager.  He could smell the rusted metal of the locker hinges. He could feel the chipped paint rubbing against his skin. He couldn’t breathe. Abed couldn’t breathe-- the entire world was closing in on him. He was cold and alone and no one was coming for him. His friends left him and they weren’t coming back. Everyone who he cares about leaves him, why would they be any different? He watched the world pass by through the tiny slits in the door before his eyes screwed shut again as he choked on air.

            He was in agony. His entire body shook and his heart pounded so hard he felt as if it were going to burst. Abed wanted to go home, he wanted to be back at Greendale with Troy and the rest of his friends but he was trapped. His arms began to cramp up from how hard he had tensed, his knuckles a pale white from how tightly he was clenching his fists. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t speak or sob or scream; he was stuck. Locked away. The outside world faded away as Abed retreated into his mind. He tried to hide away in his head forever until a janitor stumbled upon his frozen shell of a body tomorrow morning. There was an echoing sound, however, that kept drawing him from the abyss of his brain.

            Footsteps. He could hear footsteps. Abed couldn’t tell whether or not they were real, but he could guess who’s footsteps they were. They were frantic and uneven-- they had the potential to be rhythmic, but the walker was urgent. Worried. The biggest identifying factor, though, was the quiet sound of plastic aglets on the tile floor; their shoes were untied. Abed smiled weakly as he recalled the fact that Troy almost never had his shoes tied. A glimmer of hope shone through the small slits in the locker door as the footsteps grew closer.

            “Abed?” Troy’s voice cut through the silence in the hallway. He turned the corner and froze as his eyes landed on his friend. “Abed? God, there you are! You scared me half to death, and Jeff was already boring me to death with his lame lawyer stories, so now I’m only, like, a fourth away from death!”

            Abed didn’t reply. He couldn’t-- he still didn’t know if Troy was real or just another image. He was still locked away, after all. Troy could tell something was wrong; Abed’s eyes had glazed over and he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Troy hurried over, his eyes frantically assessing the situation at hand. He saw the blood on Abed’s palms and his stomach lurched. 

            “Hey, Abed, are you alright?” Troy asked softly. “Did something happen?” Abed did not reply, instead releasing a small, high-pitched whine. Everything was foggy-- it was all too foggy for Abed to know whether or not he was simply envisioning this angel of a human.

            “Alright, uh, I’m going to touch your wrist. Is that alright?” Abed hesitated before nodding ever-so-slightly.

            Gently, Troy wrapped his hand around Abed’s wrist. The contact was startling, but not unwelcome. Abed was becoming more and more sure that this Troy was real. The tight locker melted away to reveal the same dark hallway; his anxiety was eased a bit,but he still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that settled over him. He glanced at the clock once again-- he was alone for thirty-two minutes and forty-seven seconds in total. 

            “I’m sorry I lost you,” Troy spoke quietly. His voice was comforting and genuine, his face soft and kind. He didn’t match the Troy that Evil Abed created at all. “I know this place is overwhelming, I’m so sorry. We should’ve been more attentive and more careful, this place is like a maze.” Abed soon realized he was too tired to respond verbally, instead opting to hold Troy’s hand. A silent reassurance was exchanged through their intertwined fingers. Abed’s palms stung a bit, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. He was just so tired. His muscles were sore and his chest ached and his head pounded. He wanted to go home. 

            “Britta was practically running across the building looking for you, ya know,” Troy said. His hand was still holding Abed’s. “Annie started crying after 10 minutes, and for a second Jeff looked like he was going to cry, too. They were all so worried. I was worried, too. The thought of something bad happening to you was too much to handle.”

            “I know you hate being alone, too. I guess you probably thought we ditched you or something. Jeff thought you ditched us, but I knew that wasn’t true. It doesn’t really matter, though, because I’m here now,” That final phrase echoed in Abed’s mind as he sat beside his friend. “I want you to know that I really care about you. I want-- I need you to know that I would never ever ditch you like that. Not in a million billion years, not even for a million dollars,”

            They sat there for a few more minutes before Annie turned the corner and shouted, sprinting full speed towards the two men at the end of the hallway. Britta and Jeff followed closely after, a wave of relief washing over their faces. They all gushed about their worries and concerns. Annie was quick to tend to the small indents in Abed’s palm, and Jeff and Britta talked about how freaked they were when they realized Abed disappeared. Jeff mentioned stopping by every directing booth in the entire building to see if Abed had landed there-- he even grabbed a few pamphlets for him to flick through later. Finally, Abed gained the energy to stand up, and he walked down the hallway with his friends beside him and Troy’s fingers still laced with him.

            On his way out, Abed glanced at the clock on the wall-- twenty-two minutes and twelve seconds. Abed had been surrounded by his wonderfully chaotic family for the past twenty-two minutes, and he’d never felt more secure.

[samcrobae]

The Artist

Gif Credit: mine

Just something cute I thought of for our Angel Baby. Wanted to shout out @summertimesadnesswithadashofsass​ for this idea, I was so stuck on how i wanted reader and Angel to meet, and she threw this out there. 

hope you like it! <3 

________________________

Walking into a local art gallery was not how you envisioned spending your thursday night. It was Thirsty Thursday at the bar, but your best friend had some work that was going to be featured in this exhibit and she begged you to come along, for support. She had been your best friend for 12 years, and after your mom passed, she had been there through your darkest days and even let you move in with her, how could you not? You asked your boss if it was alright that you asked someone to cover the last few hours of your shift so that you could make it out on time. 

“Y/N! Holy shit, they actually let you go early?! Im so happy you’re here!” Daisy brought you in for a tight hug, “come on, my stuff’s over here.” She led the way to her exhibit and you took in her work. You didn’t know a thing about art but you knew how incredibly talented she was. You listened intently as she told you about her work when you felt someone staring at you and looked across the room. He was leaned back against the wall, wearing a red flannel and dark jeans, his tatted arms calmly crossed in front of him, showcasing his ringed fingers.

“Helllooooo,” Daisy tapped your arm. 

“huh? sorry..” you reply, looking back over your shoulder, the tattooed man was gone. 

“You okay? I was just asking what you think about this piece?” she asked, an excited gleam in her eye. 

“oh! I love it. Hey, do you mind if I take a look around? I’ll meet you back here in 30.” you turn around and slowly make your way through the gallery, pretending to be interested in all of the pieces in front of you, but really hoping you would have a run in with the man from just a few minutes before. You were rounding the corner when you came across a piece you actually really liked. You stopped to examine the detail in the painting.

You felt another presence but didn’t bother looking at who it was. “I love this... I wonder if the artist would be willing to part with it.”

“Yeah good luck, heard the artist is a real asshole.” You look up at the man next to you, his voice like silk as he talked. You swallowed hard when you had realized it was the man from earlier.

You let out a laugh, “Yeah most artists are..”

Your laugh was like a melody, it was soft, genuine, care-free. His gaze never left yours as you studied the piece in front of you, almost as if he was memorizing every blemish, every mark, every line of your face. The way your eyebrows furrowed when you were reading about the artist on the note next to the painting, as if you were trying to understand what it was you were looking at. 

“I’m Angel.” you turn your head back to face him, and studied his features. His dark eyes, his beard, the lines on his face. He’s been through some shit. You smile, “Angel. Im Y/N.” 

he repeated your name to himself over and over in his head. your name fit you perfectly. 

__________________________________________

he led you through the gallery and you stopped at almost every exhibit. “alright, alright, what about this one? what do you see Y/N?” God he loved saying your name, and you loved the way your name sounding leaving his lips. 

You shrug your shoulders, a smile spread across your lips, “I dont know... just like the others, I told you Angel, I dont have a knack for this stuff.just like the other 6 we just looked at.” he laughed and looked behind you, a woman approaching your direction. 

“Y/N! so much for meeting back there in 30 minutes.” Daisy shouted as she came closer to the two of you. “You ready to head out? I Just loaded all of my things up. Im starving.” she looked back and forth between the two of you, trying to get a feel for whatever she was interrupting. 

“Shit, Daisy, Im sorry, I lost track of time. Angel, this is Daisy, Daisy, this is Angel. yeah lets head out, Im hungry too. Angel, you wanna come?” you ask. 

Angel shook his head, “Nah, thats okay, Ima hang out here for a bit.” 

“alright, well, it was nice meeting you Angel,” Daisy emphasized his name and turned to head toward the exit. 

“Nice to meet you, this was fun, thanks for hanging out with me..” you looked up at him and he smiled back, nodding. “see you around?” you start to turn for the door when he called out to you. 

“Y/N-” you turned around to face him again, “go out with me.” he looked nervous, unsure. you barely gave him time to finish his sentence when you shot our your answer, “okay. when?” 

His eyes went wide, “wait, really?” 

You laughed, placing your hands in your back pockets and shrugged, “why not?” 

“aight.. tomorrow? 7?” he asked. 

“okay, 7. I work at the diner 3 blocks from here, meet me there. see you tomorrow Angel.” 

_____________________________________

it was 6:45 and your shift was coming to a close. You were wiping the counter down and looked out the window and saw Angel, leaned against his bike, clad in a blue and grey short sleeve button up, black jeans, and a leather vest. You knew that vest. You had seen it around town on other men, belonging to  the Mayans. He held a cigarette between his lips as he watched you work. When 7PM hit, you never clocked out faster in your life. 

“Hey”, you smiled up at him, making him feel like he could melt. 

“Your chariot awaits you.” he shows off his bike and hands you a helmet. you took the helmet in your hands and looked cautiously at the bike. 

“You know, I drove here.. so, we can take my car?” you say. 

he laughs and takes the helmet from you, placing it on your head and strapping it up beneath your chin. “its all part of the experience, querida. come on.” he swings his leg over his bike, as you get on behind him. “alright, put your hands here, like this,” he brings your hands around to wrap his center, “a little tighter, like this”. you took in his scent and it was intoxicating. The smell of leather mixed with his cologne and burnt kush was enough to make you dizzy. 

Your date was perfect. Angel was the perfect gentlemen and carried quite the conversation. When the night was nearing the end, he offered to drop you back at your car and follow you back to your place, to walk you to your door and ensure you made it home safely. You happily obliged.

When you pulled into your driveway, he parked his bike, shut it off, and met you at your car. He walked you to your door and you felt like you were in high school all over again.

“Thank you for tonight Angel, I had fun.” You felt you cheeks turn red as he looked at you, a grin on his face.

“Yeah, me too.... I like you. Y/N. A lot...”

“I like you too....” you reached into your purse and dug for your house keys.

“Thanks for coming out with me, you should come by the yard tomorrow, we’ll get some lunch.” He said. “I should head out... goodnight Y/N.”

“Goodnight Angel.” You held a gaze for a few seconds, hoping he’d close the space in between you , but he smiled and turned to head back to his bike.

“Angel, do you ... wanna come in?”

He turned back to look at you, a sparkle in his eye. “More than you know... but. Not tonight...” he walked back to you and pulled you into him, placing a soft kiss to your cheek.

“Goodnight, mi dulce..”

——————————————

@starrynite7114 @jadert15 @woahitslucyylu @briana-mishell24 @elcococruz @briannab1234 @blackmissfrizzle @thickemadame

[inspriredlyuninspired]

The Stalker 

Part 5 

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader. Able-bodied!Ivar, Dark!Ivar. 

Warnings: Swearing, fighting, stalking, panic attack.  

Summary: Y/n finds out who Ivar is, she is terrified that her life is in danger. She does not know if she should bring it up now. But she feels uneasy. 

Word count: 2,025

Third Person POV 

Y/n’s eyes went wide when she saw the door start to open. She looked behind her for signs of Ivar, but she could hear him still in the kitchen. She quickly slides into the office, closing the door behind her. 

She tuns the lights on and looks around, it just looks like a normal office, the nerves in her stomach went away when she went over to the bookshelf looking through the thousands of books he seemed to have. She was about to leave, felling stupid for being suspicious. However, something caught her eye on top of his desk, there was a picture of her. 

The nerves started to grow again, she walked over and gently picked it up. It was a picture of her on a run. 

‘How the hell did he get this?’ She thought. She saw multiple envelopes labeled, “My Little Dove”. She knew those letters were about or for her. She saw a stack of papers about Danish exports, ‘oh great one thing he didnt actually lie to me about’ she thought. 

Luckily she didn’t look through those papers, a picture of her was hidden in there. One night Y/n was changing in front of her window, Ivar thought he had hit the jackpot. Seeing her in just her bra and panties made hime go wild, that picture was tucked away for safe keeping. 

Y/n walked around the desk, and a gasp left her lips. She saw a board with an astonishing amount of pictures of her on it. She looked through them all, she doesnt understand how he got these, unless he had taken them himslef.

At the bottom corner of the board a small piece of paper with the words 

“one day i’ll be your man, not your stalker”

Y/n felt her chest tightening up, she couldnt breath. She could feel the panic attack coming. Thinking of what Ivar could want with her. ‘Does he want to hurt me? Kill me? Kidnap me?’ her thoughts quickly went from what he was going to do to her, to ‘Everyone in my life wants to hurt me. My parents, every friend i ever had and now my first boyfriend.’ She felt betrayed, Ivar had finally made her feel wanted and accepted. When everyone told her something was wrong with you, he told her he was proud of her for what she overcame. 

Y/n quickly left the room and walked into Ivar’s room. Her breathing was so fast paced but, she couldn’t get enough air to her lungs. Her knees buckled and she was now curled up on the groun in the fetal position, trying to calm herself, she was too in her head she did not even hear Ivar calling for her. 

Ivar callled for her but when she didn’t respond he skipped down the hallway looking fo her. 

“Y/n! Little dove its time for dinner! Are you all ready for some movies and cuddles because i know i am-Y/N!” he quickly ran to her side. 

“Little dove what’s wrong?” he was s confused, she was totally fine when he left her to shower. With her hair still being damp he did not think that she had left his room yet, let alone that she found out the biggest secret that he has ever needed to keep. 

“i--i-- ca-can-can’t Bre-breathe” Ivar immediately recognized that she was having a panic attack. He scooped her up into his arms and held her there, close to him. He had read that holding someone having a panic attack can help. After a while it did help, her breathing returned to normal. 

The strength in her body was gone, otherwise she would have pushed herself off of him. She was laying on his chest as he ran his hand through her hair, his back was leaning against the foot of the bed. 

He moved her slightly, and stood up, following by picking her up. He wrapped her legs around his waist and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. She had a stone cold look on her face. ‘If he was going to kill me might as well not fight it’ she thought. 

But he was never going to hurt her, thats the part she did not know. 

“you need to get something in yout tummy little dove, lets eat and then we will lay down okay?” Ivar said, in a sweet little voice, not wanting to be overbearing in this delicate moment. All Y/n did was nod her head against his shoulder. 

He sat her down at the table, he sat down next to her. He began to eat but she couldnt bring herself to eat. She felt terrible for seeming ungreatful, he had cooked a beautiful meal and here she was pushing it around on her plate like a child. 

But finding out the man that is now your boyfriend has been stalking you for months tends to make you lose your appetite. 

“What is wrong baby? You havent eaten anything. Do you not like it?-” 

“No Ivar its wonderful. Thank you, i was just in my head thats all.” she gave hime a fake smile and started to eat. Even though she had reason to not want to please him,  she never wanted anyone to feel bad for their kind act. She knows how that feels and wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemies. 

After they ate, Y/n offered to do the dishes so Ivar could shower. He pepered little kisses all over her face, she smiled at them, even let out a little giggle. But remebering the situation at hand her giggles went silent and her smile instantly went away. 

As she did the dishes, she thought of how she was going to bring this up to him, or what she was going to do. 

She was thinking of ways she could talk about this with him, while he was in the shower worrying about her. He knew that she dealt with anxiety but his heart broke seeing her like that. As well as seeing how much her anxiety attack took out of her, how it exhausted her, he wanted nothing more than to take that pain from her and deal with it for her. 

After he got out of the shower he threw on a pair of sweatpants and started making his way out to the kitchen to see her again. It had become habit to jiggle the handle of his office just to make sure its locked, but when he did it and saw it was unlocked his heart dropped to his stomach. 

She knew. She knew everything. ‘Why the fuck was the door not locked?’ He thought to himself.  

His heart was racing as he walked into the kitchen, he was going to let her bring it up first. If she hadn’t seen the pictures he didn’t want ot expose himself. 

“Hi little dove, thank you for cleaning the kitchen it looks beautiful.” 

He wrapped her arms around her and kissed her head, she didn’t melt into him like she normally did.

“lets go sit down and talk about what’s going on baby” He meant talking about her anxiety, but she had differrent plans.

They sat down, Ivar threw y/n’s legs over his lap and had a sweet smile looking at her. He thought that he was going to lose her, the same day that she became his. His world was crumbling to his feet. 

“Ivar, i have a question for you, and please be honest with me.” 

“of course baby, anything.” 

“Did you stalk me? im sorry i went into your office, im sorry for being nosy but then i saw a picture of me and then a lot more pictures and then letters for me, i didn’t read them i just saw “Litle Dove” on them and i assumed they were written to me, its just why did you do that.” she rambled because she was nervous, and she felt the tears formming in her eyes. 

Ivar let out a sigh, he never envisioned this happening. 

��yes, i did but i can explain.” 

“HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT IVAR?!?!” Y/n screamed, she stood up wanting to be away from him. 

“Little Dove please sit down so we can talk about this.”

“why should i? what do you want with me, if you want to kill me just do it already. Everyone who i think is going to be good in my life just wants to hurt me. so please get it over with.” 

“Y/N SIT THE FUCK DOWN.” Ivar screamed, Y/n jumped when she heard it. He had told her that he had anger issuses but she never thought that he would scream at her. She sat down not wanting to hear him yell again. 

Ivar felt bad for having to yell, he knew she was very sensitive to yelling because of her past. But he needed ot explain himslef for everything.

“Little Dove, i will never hurt you. That’s part of the reason i did it. I wanted to protect you, but you didn’t know me yet. I’m sorry that it happened like that. I saw you running and i thought you were the most beautiful person i have ever seen. I knew from that day that i had to make you mine. I just never had the courage to talk to you, i wanted to impress you. You know how i told you that i was hated as a child, by everyone. I would not be able to recover from you rejecting me. So i thought i would admire you from afar.” 

“Ivar that is no excuse for stalking me. My privacy feels invaded, i don’t know what you saw and what you haven’t. What do you know about me?”

“Well, almost everything.” 

Y/n nodded as the tears ran down her cheeks. Ivar looked down knowing that she was going to leave. 

“I know that i messed my chances with you completely up. I just want you i had no intntion of hurting you in any way. I wanted to protect you from anything that could hurt you. I wanted to be your guard dog, from your parents, from your personal battles. I have never met a person more perfect than you. Becasue i know you are going to leave, i just need you to know that i love you.” 

There were tears now streaming down his cheeks, he was losing the girl who made his life brighter, the most precious creature to him. 

“Ivar you made me feel valid for my feelings, and now i am questioning if that is genuine.”  “My feelings for you have always been genuine, everything i have said to you has been genuine-”

“How you weren’t showing me your office because it was dirty? what else do i need to know?” 

“Thats the only secret i have, i promise.” 

“its getting late i should probably go home.” Y/n said while staring to walk towards Ivar’s room. 

“Y/n please no, please don’t leave i cant lose you.” Ivar begged, he grabbed her hand and held it close to his heart. 

“Little dove, its storming really bad, please stay the night.” 

“fine. But do not touch me in bed.” Y/n crawled into bed and turned her back towards Ivar’s side of the bed. They laid there in complete silence, y/n facing the wall and Ivar looking at her. Neither of them could sleep. Not after the conversation that they just had. Ivar broke the silence by asking.

“Little dove? i have a question.” 

“what is it Ivar?” her voice was still innocent and sweet but she did sound like she was crying. 

“I have a family party this weekend, in Denmark. If you will come with me and just pretend that you like me, you can leave and press charges against me. I won't fight you on it.” 

“Okay, and for the record i don’t have to pretend that i have feelings for you. I am falling in love with you. That is what is making this so much harder for me.” 

To be continued.......

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius​ @lostgirl14480​

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 4, 2019 // the party

again w the first 2 minutes of the next episode to keep the dates 🙏🏻

"if only i could get myself a new father, too" WELL SWEETIE! here ya go! 😅 ("you already have a barbie dad at home" "thats a fake dad, i want a real dad")

-"ohhhhhhh" charlie 😂

-"someone needs a spin on the chore wheel" - i honestly cant see victoria doing the chore wheel. it definitely sounds like a george thing. what if george went to parenting classes with victoria drunk/asleep taking the notes to help raise her sisters

-"with the exception of one vandal" i was SO CONFUSED by this statement for ages but i finally figured it out 😅

-"kate would have been happy to see it" oh nick. if only you knew her truth

-ace surrounded by all these romantic interruptions lmaoooo

-"hi bessie!!" 😍😭💙

-"need any help?" i get that this quote is to show how george has parenting well in hand but this also reminds me of when george went to the beach in ep 2 to help the crew w the morgue and then overheard nancy and nick talking and left

-"with everything that's happened" so does owen know?

-"my closest relative is not my blood relative" i get that shes had like. 12 hours to process this but this statement acknowledges a relationship for nancy and carson not based on blood which is very against what nancy said/felt previously and throughout

-"yours is like a moped with a roof" in ep 3 ryan mocks carson's "dad car" but in the end ryan's the one with the dad car 🙂

-BESS 😂😭🙈 and "lets hope the agleaca doesnt feed off of negative energy" it kinda does tho!

-what was ace decrypting for owen? paperwork diana is going through from the next ep? (similar stuff to tiffany's flashdrive? how did she get thet stuff btw? and when were she and ryan married? how long has she been digging up skulls?)

-ryan omgggggg i hate how his kid has to take control of the situation bc he cant handle adult interaction appropriately (and "i'm sorry for your loss" im sure ryan is sick of that phrase by now) ryan + women/losses v gains : losing lucy, tiffany, george, potentially his mom (disappointed d/t everett) and gaining nancy (and regaining lucy via)

-"do you think you would have tried to-" i really wonder what she was gonna say here. i guarantee it was gonna be some version of "ask for help" as in "do you think you would have tried to get some other adults involved or ask for opinions from a social worker or something" and enter carson & kate. i guarantee she was trying to envision a situation in which ryan had her but carson and kate featured anyway

-ryan vs carson -->nancy<-- ryan vs owen : asking ryan to help save carson (ace/poisoner) / wondering if owen dies here / would ryan have saved carson in that ep if he knew they had taken nancy or would he have treated him like owen and let him die? (also, ryan is weirdly prophetic about owen's death here)

-"what the hell is wrong with you?" ryan to everett and "what is WRONG with you?" nancy to ryan

-"don't blame genetics. because people make choices."

-she seems SO shocked that ryan would actually leave her there after she screamed at him lmaoooo like sis the entitlement

-"i dont even understand some of the words you're using" CARSON 😂

-DIANA damn bc of a wedding speech?? i fuckin love her tho and her actress too soooo classy

-owen: -sees nancy- -immediately dumps other people to go to her- // shades of blue again! (+he wants to introduce her to the family 😭)

-okay but babies DO look alike

-"and are they haunted by lucy sable?" **

-"what if you hadn't needed me?" parallels how nancy wasn't going to be told either- ryan and nancy are equals in their haunting in ways that carson was unequal to nancy in grief. *this and the previous statement i will explain de jure at the end of tomorrows ep to recap the whole season

-"that's the first time i've believed you actually cared about something" vs "finally. a straight answer"

-"are you alright?" she finally doesnt lie

-ryan and carson sizing each other up lmaooo and ace with the save as always

-"they're not my friends" vs "i need you to save my friends"

-nancy's pain during ritual echoes lucy's birth giving (pain & noises) but nancy is with ryan this time while lucy had to go through it alone

-how many fucking times does bess put her foot in her mouth??

•"murderer on the loose" in front of nick

•bess in george's office with ryan

•"you slept with my cousin!" in front of nick

•"george slept with nancys dad" to george

which is honestly contrasted with george, who makes the succinct observations: "you mean do it for you?" "oh, so this is a thing" "you mean rehab?" but george also outs peoples secrets like nancys mom dying and bess's van living to nick (only to nick tho lmaooo 👀🤔)

-so all these portents are things that happened to odette? hair shorn, bound and choked with rope, drowning in water with crabs and maggots crawling all over her, occasional fish hooks getting caught in her as she sinks (+dead in the water being so appropriate here, sadly)

~~~~~

-"i trusted you to be kind but look what it cost me"

and lastly:

-again with the truth telling and the straight up rejection! thats 0/2 lisbeth and john sander cancelling the supernatural

[apffee]

My Thoughts Rewatching TGWDLM and Black Friday:

*btw the section for tgwdlm is much shorter than the one for black friday because it’s less new so more people have already said almost all there is to say about it i guess*

The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals: - in the first scene the same phone rings about 32/33 times wow (i counted) - when charlotte is talking about sam singing in the shower, let it out plays real quiet and it's cool - i’ve always wondered what emma was gonna say before join us and die, and to me it seemed like she was gonna talk about paul’s crush on her and maybe reject him (she was acting remorseful, like she was sorry for being about to hurt his feelings maybe), idk if anyone tweeted nick lang about this yet but i wanna know - emma seems to jinx herself every time she says "we made it" or along those lines, like in the helicopter she says "we got outta there!" and before inevitable she says "paul! we made it!" - fuck nora :)

***

Black Friday: - the sniggles deserve betterrrr also lauren sniggle <3 - mnfnmggghfht them <3 paulkinsss <3 - silent night playing while we enjoy paulkins - "oH SHIT A BABY" - emma has beanies shopping bags so she either still works there and brought snacks or she just went there with paul idk - paul like "it's christmas time in hatchetfield isn't that fun" and im having flashbacks - i love paul's awkwardness but emma, he's your boyfriend ok (ok? ok. ok.) - emma copying bae like - how does lauren turn into an entirely different person with emma and linda ik it's acting but I CAN'T ENVISION THEM TOGETHER AS THE SAME PERSON - if i think about videos and streams of lauren, it seems like emma's personality is kinda similar to lauren's own personality huh - i think this part with emma and paul is so funny not just cause them and their wonderful delivery but also cause the paulkins content is more condensed in smaller amounts of time since they aren't the protagonists anymore, so it's more funny at once, while tgwdlm is probably more funny in total but it's more spread out - i love emma’s adorable laugh snort thing when tom tells her about the surprise it's so lovable <3 - tom just getting in emma's face when he says "he was sledding. WITH HIS MOTHER" ;-; - they just sneak off while tom sings like - what if emma has a different hairstyle in each musical? anyway lauren is so pretty no matter what her hairstyle is but her hair looks even more amazing down in general, i should probably stop now or i'll keep rambling on about lauren - but like lauren and jon are so cool i'm just more attracted to lauren in general but they're probably my two favourite starkid and YES I AM BIASED, SO WHAT? - tom teleports to the parking lot of the mall during what tim wants - tom: what tim want? tim: JUST ASK ME WHAT I WANT - why does linda look over when sherman says "omg its becky barnes" like u just spoke to her and hate her guts lmao why do u care -adore me plays when linda belittles becky bout stanley -webby: hey hannah do the thing ethan's doing with his hands hannah: *does it and gets scolded* webby: *wHeEEeEzeee* - paul in wdywp "i want what everyone wants, money, a partner, kids someday, maybe.." and linda talking to wiley "i want what everyone wants, to be loved" - linda is holding one of her boots, why did one come off? the camera doesn't show below her waist while she's talking to wiley so idk - lauren lopez as jingle the elf doing a bugette voice is attractive as hell - tom: "i'd do anything for him" me: awwww thats sweet! tom: "even if it means pounding the guts outta some little twerp!" me: :/ - what would happen if tom managed to give the doll to tim? tom: take this doll son. tim: i don't want that lmao? tom: W-WHAT? tim: i want u but ur distant and sad now :c tom: :'o - sHE'S hEaVY! D: - do ya think it's a coincidence that wiley AND xander call the president the nickname howie? maybe xanders dead and this is a fake idk lol - the sniggles are still cute in made in america (especially lauren sniggle) and lauren looks so good with her hair like that actually her hair always looks good why DOES HER HAIR ALWAYS LOOK SO GOOD AND HER NOSE AND (this is just a rant about lauren now whoops) - at 1:42:55 when wiggly is talking to john the "look what happens nightmare time" riff (i think its a riff) plays hmmmmm; also someone else mentioned how the light in not your seed is green, so i think grace chasity (yeah apparently it’s chasity) is the connecting thread in all these things and since she is likely the protag in npmd its probably important. oh also maybe grace and jane are connected somehow? idk just trying to think of stuff that could be in npmd - when wiggly gasps after his hiccup laugh thing it's so uncomfortable and creepy i love it good job jon! - you have pOonies?? - i threw em in the FUCKING TRASH! - you killed the pOoNIES! -"she can go on her own" NO LEX HANNAH NEEDS YOU ;o; -lex: reach? like this? *gun flies towards her and smacks her in the nose* ARGH! - lex: patiently waiting for tom to finish singing - i remember something about either the song a meteor hits or just the wiggly jingle scratch track or something being to the tune of if i fail you, so thats cool - jon is so damn feral as gary and it's wonderful i'm having so much fun - gerald's such a good dramatic device - she's drunk AGAIN? what would you know about becky being drunk linda? im imagining drunk becky and linda talking in a bar idk how else linda would know about that eh - behold the wonderful shriek of lauren lopez - i can sing the range of adore me and califorMIA since im an alto and yet lauren can do her high octaves as well as my own comfotable octave she's just destroying the song wiggle and my belief in what singing ability i have with her TALENT!!! - *obnoxious laugh* bECkY BaRNeS! - lets just appreciate jon and lauren sneaking off stage and doing a quick change into their paul and emma outfits in like 40 SECONDS WHAT also everyone else saying their lines slower so they had more time to quick change - "taaahm?" (i love lauren's midwestern accent) - emma and tom never got to talk about jane :'( but also her grateful little smile when he says it and ghfighdfisdfskh emma and paul <3 - why does emma always want to go to hidgens tho lmao like how trustworthy is he really? aw but i guess emma doesn't have anyone else in hatchetfield except paul and jane's family :'( - PAUL SMILING AT EMMA TO COMFORT HER AWWWWWW I LOVE THEM SO MUCH (2:14:02) like i don't mind about how well lauren and jon know each other because their acting is so good that it gets me so invested in paulkins <333333333333333 - i wanna see the paulkins hug D:< i can just see emma in her cute ass bobble beanie hat thing coming over and then the camera pans away WHY - i love that at the end everyone's just squinting at the sky in confusion and paul's just doing a bug-eye face of shock like O-O - ok at the end of tgwdlm it was sad and scary that emma was still in character and screaming for help but i'm just imagining as everyone bows in a line emma just screaming and staggering around again even though this is black friday and it would be really weird but my brain's also weird - tim died alone in the car :( - fuck nora

[p1nkwitch]

I have plenty of questions about your fanfics I don't even know when to start. Can I just name every one of them and send you star with it?

But please tell me something interesting funfact behind Heart Machinations? Also were you at some point considering bad/different ending?

i think i would never finish writing if you did send me all of them even with the star, i ramble a lot and go on tangents, but if you send them like 3 fics per day i can make it i promise.

Ok to start! Nope! This was the story where i literally envisioned the ending first and had to go backwards to write it. The ending was solid.

But for fun facts!! Oh boy.

This entire story begun with the idea of a one shot, with a slight different plot, it would have ended with Peter as an old man uploading his mind like he promised Elias in the fic and coming back as an Ai, to stay with Elias for as long as they could. I ended up switching things arounf in my head until i ended up with the image.

The thing that started this entire fic.

Peter floating in space with Elias declaring his love.

I was forced by the entire story to find ways to keep them from confessing earlier than intended. God did i regret having to put it so later, because the mental flips i needed to justify them not realizing, were driving me up to a wall.

Another thing that i was not aiming for, but ended up liking was the TimPeter, i didnt aim for it to be a plot point, i didnt even ship them, but i wrote them so well i actually hesitated. Not to the Elias romance with Peter that was a given, but i hesitated to actually make a policule out of everyone.

In the end i decided to go for my original plan, but it had been a posibility.

Most of the relationships surged as the soty progressed, because i realized if it was only them it would get boring so i started to shuffle characters and relationships and it worked far better than i intended.

Now the other interesting tidbit.

Was that originally i was intending for Elias to be the actual big bad, a la Glados in portal. Elias tricks Tim and Peter into thinking Jon went rouge and he got Leitner killed so Peter connects him, Elias pretends things are normal but sends him off to rrepair something outside, once Peter is safe he uses the gas to kill everyone who is not going to be sent to do experiments in the hidden labs.

Martin opens the door for Peter makes him help by trying Elias like the original one did to get himshut down. He realizes and hurt tries to attack him, Martin uses the portal door and Peter still tries to hold unto Elias, but they ended up slipping and going into space.

The Simon plot point was always going to be there, same as the oxygen and confession.They apologize and everything.

In fact Peter was never supposed to realize Elias was killing people until he takes over. I realized it would be impossible to keep him in the dark for so long along with the not confessing so i had to give one up for the story and i was set on my ways.

The more i developed them, the more i started to change the plot to fit better with the new narrative wanting it to be more satisfiying.

Something else that i changed in the story, was that after Leitner dies, Gertrude was supposed to come to check the station, Elias sees her and gets her killed. It did not pan out of course, because i considered it would be too out of nowhere.

When i realize the story was sort of getting shifted i went with the idea to switch the notSasha on its head. Which created lovely Pasha!! Whom i love a lot.

Another thing that i had to develop because i grew very fond of it were Missy and Titania. Particularly Missy, since Titania was a stand in for the vast in some ways. Missy was needed to provide Peter some form of love, since yes, i made the Lukas terrible people, but a child still needs some love to grow and i wanted someone to help with that since Simon couldnt. I love her a lot and honestly wish i could use her in more stories because she is a great character. I know people dont really are in it for the original characters but she is dear to me.

The honest to god most fun i had during the story was writting the chats between the characters and the moments where Elias and Peter where being horny for each other. Peter freaking out silently about the things Elias said, while Elias was being the most horny creature in the station was delightful.

My favourite parts were also writing Elias realizing that he ruined Peter, that he had caused his misery, i wish i could have gone harder on those. Because they are a great part of his motivations. He starst not caring but the more he falls in love, the more he realizes how much of a horrible person he is and how much he is hurting Peter. I love that, i put it before but i like making characters go though bad stuff to get them to the good, to get that catharsis after all the bad.

I wanted to do a bonus. Where Peter does go to Simon’s funeral and everyone has to sit there while Android Simon was just chilling giving his own eulogy.

One thing i sort of chikened out of, but left crumbs around was the plot point that ogElias and Micheal Shelley were dating. Thats why Elias had the picture and writings about him. They split due to Gertrude and Elias defending JON4H. Its why Elias could keep Helen so easily to raise her. She calls him uncle, because they had broken up and he felt he didnt deserve to take that from Micheal.

Currently they made up and since Elias was single they are patching things up, Helen was thrilled.

This is also the story where the cats appear. And im so glad for it.

Captain was an idea based on the au of another fic i love Timeline of Theseus, i just pictured Peter getting the cat and voila. (No, there is no cat in there, but it would had been so funny) They were foils, Elias has a lonely cat and Peter a beholding one. They fall in love. I like that.

Thats all i can remember now. Nikola was always also a plot point, i mean who else would make androids but the puppet herself! Since ideally i intended for Elias to get a body, it was supposed to happen.

I went off, but i really did have a lot of ideas and scrapped ones that i figured no one would see. Im happy i could just leave them out to the world!!

So yes ask away, but as you can see, i sort of go off. Thanks for asking!!!! I hope its what you wanted. Sorry if it goes all over the place.

[moistmailman]

*In Beacon's weight room*

Blake: *Starts doing squats with Pyrrha behind her*

Pyrrha, blushing and staring:...........*shamefully looks away* oh my gosh, what am I doing? Bad Pyrrha. Bad! S-stop staring at your friends behind like that. I-its d-dirty and wrong!

???: Oh don't be like that. There's nothing wrong with admiring beauty.

Pyrrha, blushing: W-what? W-who said that?

???: I did.

*Suddenly a small little demon manifests onto her right shoulder, looking strangely like Yang*

Pyrrha wide eyes:......W-what?

Mini Demon Yang: You know you wanna smack that booty, P-Money. Who are you fooling, you dirty girl.

Pyrrha, squeaking: W-what?! What are you talking about?! I-I don't w-want to sma— what on Earth is going on right now?? Who— WHAT are you?!

Mini Demon Yang: I'm your personification of your inner conscious that REALLY likes what she sees.

Pyrrha, face on fire: W-what? I-I don’t have any idea what youre— wait, why am I imagining you to look like Yang though?

Mini Demon Yang:........isn't it kinda obviously? Have you met her?

Pyrrha:.....o-okay, fair enough.

Mini Demon Yang: Now give into your desire and smack that Bella booty! You know you wanna!

Pyrrha, blushing: N-no! T-thats d-dirty and d-disrespctful! I would n-never!

Mini Demon Yang: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, but I know you wanna. Just look at that beautiful thing. It's art.

*Pyrrha reluctantly and shamefully looks at Blake's butt again before blushing more*

Pyrrha, squeaking under her breath: O-oh m-my gosh.

Mini Demon Yang, smirking: That's right. You like what you see. I can see it in your eyes. You want that bellabooty. So walk up there and give it a smack will ya?

Pyrrha: *whimpers*

???: You will do no such thing, Pyrrha! You are better than this!

Pyrrha: W-what? Whose talking now?

???: I am!

*Suddenly a mini angel manifests onto her left shoulder this time, the figment of her imagination looking like Weiss*

Pyrrha: What's going on now?

Mini Angel Weiss: I am the personification of your better half. The more mature one. I am here to tell you to not listen to that demon over there! She is a lewd and inappropriate harlot!

Mini Demon Yang, rolling her eyes: Oh of course she would envision you as the angel.

Mini Angel Weiss: And what is THAT supposed to mean.

Mini Demon Yang: Youre boring, no fun, a stick in the mud. Must I go on?

Mini Angel Weiss, crossing her arms: BORING?! Well I'm sorry that I don't want Pyrrha to smack the behind of one of her friends!

Mini Demon Yang, snorting: "Behind" God, could that stick be even more up your ass?

Mini Angel Weiss: How old are you? You're so immature. Not everyone spouts out foul language every five seconds. There are proper people in this world, and I’m obviously one of them, you barbaric ape.

Mini Demon Yang: Wow, it's impressive that you can actually speak with a stick that far up your ass. What's your secret?

Mini Angel Weiss: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?! I DO NOT HAVE A STICK UP MY ASS!

Mini Demon Yang, laughing: HA! BROKE YOUR STOIC DEMEANOR, PRINCESS! YOURE SO EASY TO TEASE, I SWEAR! YOURE COMICALLY EASY!

Mini Angel Weiss: YOU ROTTEN LITTLE SHI–

Pyrrha, awkwardly: H-h-hey, you two. There's no need to fight. Can't we just get along? We're all friends here.....well I mean, we’re kinda are at least.....I mean, you’re real selves are friends and all.....*shakes head* I-I’m getting off topic. Can we just talk peacefully?

Mini Demon Yang: Of course we can. All you gotta do is ignore that naysayer on your other shoulder and smack that booty already.

Pyrrha, squeaking: N-no! I can't do that! It's l-lewd!

Mini Angel Weiss: Ha! Take that, Yang! Unlike you, Pyrrha is a strong willed girl that can't be corrupted. Just like me. I'm proud of you, Pyrrha. You're making the right choice.

Pyrrha: T-thank you, uh...mini Weiss.

Mini Demon Yang, rolling her eyes: Pffft, boooooooring. Come on, don't listen to that girl. Just embrace your lewd thoughts. Come on, do it!

Mini Angel Weiss: Will you give it a rest already? You lost. You ain't going to convince her. We're too strong willed for you.

Mini Demon Yang: Okay, will you stop saying you're strong willed. Cause you aint. You’re like the most useless lesbian I know.

Mini Angel Weiss, hotly: No I'm not! You have no idea what you're talking about

Mini Demon Yang: Oh yeah? I bet if you look over at Blake right now then your opinion will change real quick.

Mini Angel Weiss: That is preposterous! There's no way in hell that my opinion will change by looking at– *looks over* Blake an— *whimpers*

Pyrrha, awkwardly: Uh.....a-are you alright, mini Weiss?

Mini Angel Weiss, whimpering: T-those shorts are s-so small.

Pyrrha: What?

Mini Angel Weiss, eager: I change my mind! Embrace your lewd side! Smack the bellabooty!

Pyrrha, squeaking: What?

Mini Demon Yang, laughing: Ha! Her wings just got clipped!

Mini Angel Weiss, blushing: S-shut up! No they weren't! They were just.....look, just forget everything I said and smack that ass!

Pyrrha, face on fire: No! What's going on?! I-I thought you were supposed to tell me to do the right thing in these situations!

Mini Angel Weiss: I am telling you to do the right thing! And the right thing is to smack that bellabooty! So what are you waiting for?! Smack it!

Pyrrha, hiding her face in her hands in embarrassmemt: Oh my gosh!

Mini Demon Yang, chanting: Smack that butt! Smack that butt! Smack that butt!

Mini Angel Weiss: JUST SMACK THAT BUTT, PYRRHA! YOU KNOW TO WANNA!

Pyrrha, squeaking: B-be quiet! Oh my gosh! I-I need a new Angel right now! This one's defective! I need a proper one!

*Suddenly another Angel appears on Pyrrha's left shoulder, this one resembling Nora*

Mini Angel Nora: Yo yo yo, what's up. What's going on— OH DAMN LOOK AT THAT BUTT! DAAAAAMN! YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA SMACK THAT, PYR-PYR!

Pyrrha, face completely on fire: Oh my gosh, no!!!!!

Real Yang, walking up: Yo P money, are you okay?

Pyrrha: STOP TELLING ME TO SMACK HER BUTT, YANG!

Real Yang, wide eyes:........

Everyone in the weight room:............

Pyrrha, face matching her hair:..........

Real Yang:.....what?

Pyrrha, voice cracking: N-nothing Yang. I-Im sorry I yelled at you. I thought you were....n-never mind.

Blake, raising an eyebrow: Uh....what's going on over there?

Pyrrha, voice shaky: N-nothing. Nothing's happening Bellabooty— I MEAN BLAKE! N-nothing is happening!

Blake:.........

Pyrrha: I-I gotta go. B-bye. *Quickly leaves with a cherry red face*

Blake, slightly blushing:........Bellabooty? *Looks at butt* W-what?

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything