#like in group therapy/support groups/the 'boarding school' i lived in for a while

[nicomoon69]

I’ve made up so much Bernard lore in my head so I’m just going to dump it here

so post Louis Grieve in my head Bernard transferred to an all boys boarding school his junior year (someone suggested Brentwood so I’m gonna go w that). his parents sent him there as a bit of a last ditch effort to straighten him out, get up his grades and push him out of his silly habits. this also included them making him buzz off his hair since they deemed his old hair unprofessional.

all of it was a huge blow to Bernard’s already fragile mental health and self esteem so at Brentwood he was kind of a mess. he wasn’t exactly a bad student but the people around him considered him even more of an outsider than he was before at Louis Grieve.

eventually Bernard did find himself with a small group of friends (might further develop them as ocs??) who were much like him outsiders. one of said friends also being the first time he fooled around with a guy, which led to several more though none of it was ever serious.

there was lots of denial at first but by the time his time at Brentwood ended Bernard had accepted himself as queer.

he applied for a few colleges, some outside of Gotham but he ended up settling for GU bc part of his couldnt handle leaving his city behind. he chose a double major because he thought that would make his parents most proud and bc biology and physics were the only subjects he enjoyed.

despite everything seemingly going well for Bernard he felt an emptiness that nothing could fix, that is until he found the Children of Dionysus. despite knowing the risks of joining a cult he did. he was in the cult for roughly eight months before he got kidnapped to get sacrificed.

that was a rough version of what happened in my head. I have some more details that I couldn’t fit smoothly into that word vomit so here’s some more

Bernard came out to his parents his first semester, which they took pretty badly and led him to getting kicked out and having to couch surf for a bit before landing on the apartment he was living in during TD:R.

to keep himself afloat with no support from his parents Bernard worked two jobs, one at a diner around the corner of his apartment and the other at a coffee shop closer to GU.

at Brentwood Bernard did a lot of experimental stuff with his appearance ranging from spiking his hair after it had grown out a bit to getting his ears pierced multiple times. a tongue piercing came along somewhere in his time at the cult and Bernard genuinely doesn’t remember getting it.

during junior and senior year Bernard joined the basketball team. he was surprisingly good considering he had never showed any interest in the sport and wasn’t particularly athletic before then. basketball somehow also led him to training himself in martial arts.

since I do hc the Children of Dionysus to have some more Dionysian practices I think Bernard developed both a distaste for wine and eating raw meat (omophagia).

Bernard has been refusing to get drastic hair cuts after the buzz cut and is unlikely to get one any time soon. he’s been taking kitchen scissors to his hair and freestyling it if he feels it needs more shape.

though he’s been out for a while Bernard hasn’t actually dated anyone long term before Tim. most people he’s been with were flings or were blocked after a few dates.

the way Bernard got into contact with the cult is through one of his high school classmates, who he’d seen talk about the ways that joining it had improved their life and how they were much more enlightened. he due to his circumstances was an easy victim after his initial skepticism

there’s just a lot of permanent scarring due to the cult, but Bernard doesn’t bother covering them up with make up or clothes. at least not post getting rescued.

Bernard actually goes to therapy after the cult and was also diagnosed with autism (let me project a teeny bit). it helped him make more sense of his life and gave him more direction.

his cooking passion came from his early childhood, being dimmed out in middle school and only returning after high school. he mostly enjoys writing his own recipes and experimenting with taste. there was ofc the added challenge of budget, but it was one of the few things that made him happy.

his conspiracy theorist side mostly calmed down until he was thrust back into it when he started dating Tim. this was due to odd behavior from Tim and until Bernard found out he was RR (which really didn’t take that long) he was balls deep on conspiracy blogs and threads. he didn’t really quite after putting the RR pieces together though, bc he enjoyed being able to subtly help Tim with his cases.

due to the two jobs and double major previously mentioned Bernard has a terrible sleeping schedule. he regularly stays up past three only to have a morning shift that starts at seven.

gonna quite rambling for now lol, might edit this post to add more in the morning but I’m sick of typing. sorry if it’s a lot, I just think abt him a lot……. yea..

[psycholojosh]

Hi, i came across with your account today while I was searching for RPm related journey. I recently passed the board exam (RPm) and I thought after passing it would shed light to the right path I'm supposed to be walking with a 7-inch high heels. I was completely wrong. I've felt lost over the past few weeks and don't know what to do next. Currently, I work as a collector in a small collection group company and tbh I never liked my job. I accepted it because: a) I work with my high school best friends; b) I needed the money to support my parents, as I'm an only child and their sole support; c) I wanted a backup plan in case I failed the exam. Yesterday, my team leader told me na matatanggal ako sa job due to my low performance over the past 5 months. I saw it coming miles away pa lang because I already assessed and evaluated myself. I've been unmotivated, and every morning, the first thing that crosses my mind is, "Am I going to work today?" I was hurt by the news but also relieved, as I had been planning to resign to pursue my license. I was just hesitant to resign because I didn't want them to think I used them. This morning, our HR Manager called me and offered me a position in the HR department, knowing that I passed the exam. Now, I'm stressed because I don't know what to do. I want to pursue the clinical side of psychology, but I don't have the means to do so. If I accept the offer, will I be able to use my license at all? If I push through sa HR field, do you think masasayang lang yung license ko? Kasi that's what I'm afraid of. I’m afraid that all my efforts might not be worth it at all and that everything could go to waste. As an overthinker, I'm also worried about the future renewal of my license. And if I will pursue clinical, i feel like need ko ulit mag-start from scratch. Another job interviews, new adjustments sa culture and sa new co-workers. Is it worth the risk? Ang dami ko kasi need i-consider. Kaya po ba during my 30's na ako mag-start i-pursue ang clinical? I'm 23 and naiisip kong i-pause na lang muna ang clinical dream ko. Masyado na po bang late?

P.S. Sorry, naglabas lang ng stress huhu. Ang dami kong questions. I have no one to talk to kasi feeling ko they wouldn't understand. And if history is any indication, all my friends would probably just say "kaya mo yan, ako nga eh..."

Hello, anon! I resonate with a lot of your questions, thoughts, and feelings that you shared with me. I don't envy your situation, but I also empathize with what you are going through. 🥺

I want to start off by giving you the grace that, despite the outcomes of your previous job, you are doing your best. If I was your boss or manager, I would've still communicated to you my understanding of what it means to be a fresh graduate, and perhaps given you a chance to be heard especially about your career decisions and personal needs. Although, in reality, that's not how many people think and act, especially in a corporate world. I also feel for you that you were put in a tough spot, let alone with many pressures from different directions in your life like one from your family. Family dynamics are a hard thing to break, but figuring out a healthy way of living within it is worth learning too.

Now, onto your questions...

I noticed that you asked about risk and expressed uncertainties over the choices you are considering. To be honest with you, there is no clear line of "right" or "wrong" decisions in real life. At the very least - and I learned this in my existential therapy class - we try to make the "best" decisions out of everything we do. However, as you may slowly learn in your young adulthood, the "best" decision isn't always the most beneficial one. In your case (and this is just an example, not really a piece of advice), choosing to prioritize economic stability over your career development may not be personally beneficial, but can help you get the most basic needs in life. Conversely, pursuing your career advancement dreams could afford you a better life in the future, but there will be struggles on the way there.

I think an effective way of determining what you think is best depends on what you value the most right here, right now AND what reality calls for. So if I may ask you these right back:

How important are your dreams to become psychologist at the moment?

Conversely, how are you and your family faring in terms of finances? Is there a need to stabilize it? Is it really YOUR role to stabilize it? How much of it can you realistically fulfill?

What opportunities do you have or consider to explore? Since you mentioned feeling list, try to get more information on what's there for you. Kailangang factual para manahimik yung anxiety natin. 😉

As you consider these questions, I also want you to think of how much effort are you going to take to take care of yourself. As it stands, it seems like any decision you make will really require some sacrifice. In the process, you may feel tired or overwhelmed, but this is all the more why you have to ground yourself to your own priorities and if your own wellness is one of them. Have your supports ready as well. Otherwise... you might burn out, and I don't want that for you.

There are personal stories that I can offer, although I am not sure how helpful they are to you when making your decision.

Firstly, I personally had a series of jobs and side hustles for income. Since I fund my own graduate studies without family support, I really took upon myself to make a living out of my license, even if I didn't follow the stereotypical HR or corporate jobs as a psychology graduate. I did enter the clinical field at a young age, but I believe that it was out of luck and a leap of faith. To an extent, my plans work out, but there were definitely challenges, like money or personal needs, and crucial mistakes along the way. And there still are. It's part of the growing process. But this journey has really required a lot of determination from me to really want to pursue my master's while I work these unorthodox jobs. So, it really depends on you. Sometimes, a little courage and faith on yourself can do wonders.

Secondly, I know a lot of people who've worked HR and corporate jobs, while taking on master's. Some are even breadwinners or have very important roles in the family. So, I don't think there's really a fault in wanting to achieve financial stability early on before pursuing master's or doing both together. The timeliness of everyone's career path isn't relative. Ika nga ng isang sumisikat na girl group, "Buhay ay 'di karera..." As cliche as that sounds, it's a helpful thing to think about (or sing). Also, hindi siguro masasayang license mo, if it means more advantages during hiring or retention (i.e., higher salary).

I guess what I want to say with these two things is that what your worries are valid, but you may be overthinking things too much. Start with understanding what you want and take things a step at a time when working out a plan for yourself. When I was your age, I had this elaborate plan that expands 10 years ahead. But as an older 20-something, I can tell you that even just a plan for tomorrow, the next week, the next month, or the next year is already just as exciting as a longer-term one.

You can do it. I wish you all the best! And if you wanna ask again, don't be afraid. 😊🌻

[swanwinged-princess]

ANYWAY

i’m finally done w high school... forever.... picked up my diploma 2day and returned the borrowed cap+gown and thats it. like i dont have to go back.

SO i’ll probs start to be a little more active for a while- i was stressed the FUCK out recently bc my mom pressured me into participating in the graduation ceremony bc her mom (my grandma) was kicking up a fuss that i didn’t wanna walk across the stupid stage

like i’m mad and upset and also all out of fucks to give at the same time but my grandma is a manipulative/exhausting/stressful-ass woman to interact with and my mom basically made me do it to stop grandma from crying at her about it

and then the whole thing made ME super stressed and mad because i was doing this thing that i ABSOLUTELY DIDN’T WANT TO DO because of my grandparents who have been absolutely draining/an active problem in my life for YEARS and i was too anxious + upset to even go to my town’s pride day which was a really fuckin big thing for me 

and i was basically crying in the lobby of the convention center where all the graduates were waiting to get through the metal detectors bc pride was still happening literally across the river and in the park and i could have just dropped my cap and gown and ditched and run across the bridge to join pride and like... 

i COULDVE because i’m a fucking adult and i can make my own choices and decide what’s important for myself but also i knew that my mom and my grandparents wouldve made my life a living HELL if i did that even if my dad and brother would have been on my side 

bc my mom is still seeking her mom’s approval even though the woman is almost definitely a literal narcissist and can’t even seem to make up her mind about what would win her approval in the first place, and even though the past several years have been all about me getting more independent and deciding what to do with my own life and making my own choices and all that crap i have to knowingly fuck up my own life and what’s important to me because my fucking grandparents wanted to see me wearing a disposable tablecloth-material rectangle on my head and body and receive an empty photo holder from a woman i’ve never met who was actively crying and even actually tried to hug me 

(i saw her moving in and immediately stepped back; my dad said it was hilarious to watch so like... thats one good thing i guess...) 

instead of going out and celebrating the fact that i’m a girl who loves girls and remembering all the people like me and who supported people like me who sacrificed so much to get us to the point where i can dress up in ridiculous frilly outfits and go out and celebrate being a girl-loving girl, and i have to give that up because they’re old and lowkey dying like... cool. tight. 

i hate to sound insensitive but i honestly find both of them really damn toxic and i just feel like bowing to their demands (or manipulative whiny bullshit) regardless of the circumstances is just weaving me and my whole family (especially my mom) deeper into their web of crazy and 

i’m honestly kinda fucking worried about my mom and her relationship with my grandma. i know that having a narcissistic mom can do a number on kids and my mom is so fucking strong and cool and awesome and i think she can do so much and already HAS done so much 

but when it comes to her mom she has this attitude where she’s like ‘i don’t care about what she thinks, i think she’s crazy and exhausting and i live my life how i want’ 

but i can tell that she really DOES care what she thinks. especially when it comes to what grandma thinks about me and my brothers’ lives/upbringings/etc. 

...idk i really just don’t think it’s healthy for her or anybody to do what they want 

i know they’re old and my grandma’s health is deteriorating rapidly and i know they’re my mom’s parents but.... 

maybe because i’m a level removed from the situation i feel like i can see what my mom can’t/doesn’t want to see and i have no tolerance for their bee-ess anymore

...the point is i’m gonna try to be a lil more active now; i can feel my muse juuuust barely starting to bud again after the long period where all my energy was channeled into just. pure survival of the end of public education and all the running around and nonsense that that entailed

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[justmypartner]

Make it Work: Chapter 5

Summary: When offered a permanent position with the FBI, Hailey agrees to take it under one condition: Jay comes too. As their personal lives and work lives begin to change, the two partners find it increasingly difficult to navigate their complex relationship and manage their feelings for one another. 

Writer’s Note: I want to first apologize for taking so long to update this fic. I took a break to finish up school related things, and then when I came back to writing I was feeling very uninspired with this chapter. Nevertheless, I pushed through and what I thought was going to be a bland filler chapter ended up being a really fun chapter to write. Starting today, I am back to posting chapters weekly! Please enjoy & I want to thank everyone who has read/supported this fic. As LaRoyce always says: From the heart ❤️ 

TW:// mentions of PTSD

Tagging: @angelsjedi , @brookerz122493 , @cpdfan2014 , @the–carousel , @maya-asturias , @itsdesiree86​ , @tvshowsaremyhappyplace 

Read on AO3 or below

It had been two weeks since their first day at the FBI, and Jay and Hailey had finally found a comfortable rhythm. For Jay, it took a while to get used to solely being a field agent. Part of him missed digging for intel themselves. He missed the long nights in the wire room and the early mornings organizing the case board, but the fieldwork mostly made up for that part of the job he missed. He loved being out on the streets, and in his eyes, nothing could beat the satisfaction of finally putting the offenders in cuffs.

The team was still rolling as a quartet, with Hailey still partnered with Walker and Jay with Daisy. For the most part, they were all out in the field together, but some instances required the pairs to break apart. He and Daisy’s partnership was working, but they didn’t function in the same natural way he and Hailey always did. He missed riding with her, but he was making do with the current arrangement until their training period was up. Overall, he was fond of Daisy. She was competent, cool under pressure, and she had his back when it counted, so he grew to trust her a great deal. Walker was another story. He was good at his job, there was no doubt about that, but he had a way of running his mouth that made Jay want to keep his distance. Things had been icy since they were at each other’s throats on the first day when Jay’s concern for Hailey got the best of him. They were able to patch things up, but Jay knew they weren’t going to be best friends anytime soon. He also didn’t like the way Walker interacted with Hailey. Other than what Jay identified as obvious flirting, he had a way of coddling her that, from Jay’s eyes, demeaned her and her abilities. He wasn’t sure if she didn’t notice it or if she was choosing to ignore it for the sake of avoiding conflict, but she never called him out for it. At least not when Jay was around. So, he never questioned it. He trusted her. Since it didn’t visibly bother her, he tried to not let it bother him either.

“Excited to have your favorite partner back?” Jay asked as he and Hailey climbed onto the elevator. It was officially their first day of partnering together as agents, and he couldn’t have been happier.

“Wait, Vanessa joined the FBI?” she joked, feigning a look of surprise.

“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

“Nope. I know I’m funny,” she smirked back.

“How is she by the way?” Jay asked, inquiring about her former roommate and best friend. Not long after Hailey went to New York the first time, Vanessa was picked out of Intelligence by Major Crimes to do a long-term undercover sting. She didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to Hailey, something they were both sad about, but they remained in touch through an occasional text.

“She can’t communicate much, but when she does she seems good. You know her, she’s a natural-born UC. Quick on her feet,” she said briefly. Jay nodded, noticing a slight drop in her mood as she spoke about her. He knew the connection those two had. Hailey looked out for her, almost to a fault as it was her attempt at protecting Vanessa and her childhood friend that got her sent to New York in the first place. He knew it killed her to not get to say a proper goodbye, and he could see it in her face in that moment. He decided to change the subject to get it off her mind.

“So, are you going to miss partnering with Walker at all?” Jay asked, slightly nervous to hear her answer.

“Mm, not really. I mean he’s a great agent and all, but he’s just too much in his own head. We connected pretty well with small talk and all that, but I felt like I had to keep a constant eye on him in the field. We just didn’t work well together. Not like you and me anyway,” she admitted, flashing him a brief smile. It was contagious and he turned his head to the side to conceal the one erupting across his face.

It relieved him to know that she didn’t feed into whatever connection Walker was trying to build between them. It made him even more relieved to know that they were back together as partners, something he was counting down to since their first day on the job.  

Things jumped off the second they stepped into the bullpen. Drake briefed the team on the case the minute they walked in the room. A rogue member of an anti-military activist group in the city exposed the group’s plans to target a veteran’s convention at the Javits Center in Midtown. Being that their intel came from an insider, the group was oblivious to the bureau’s knowledge of their plans. Drake tasked Jay, Hailey, Walker, and Daisy with attending the convention, posing as veterans as they worked to smoke out the guys before they could carry out their plans. As Drake, a former Naval Officer briefed the case, Jay picked up on some tension and anger in his voice. He recognized it easily because he felt it himself. He pretended he didn’t notice when Hailey’s eyes began to survey his face, what he guessed was her way of trying to read his reaction to the case. He tried his best to remain stone faced, but he knew she could tell something was up just by looking at him. 

If they had caught the case a few years prior, he would have gone to a much darker place, acting on rage rather than ration. However, through his therapy sessions over the years, he had learned to manage the emotions that only things related to the service could elicit. Once Drake was finished briefing everyone, he assigned the teams their positions and sent them on their way. As Jay turned away to head to the locker room to change, Drake called out to him.

“Jay, hang back a second?” He asked him. Jay sent Hailey a small wave, signaling her to go on without him. He followed Drake to his office, shoving his hands in his pockets after he closed the office door behind him.

“Something wrong, sir?” Jay asked, confusion in his voice.

“Jay, I know you’ve got a background in the military. I don’t have to imagine what’s going through your head right now, because it’s going through mine as well. But we need to play this one by the book, so I just need to know if I need to keep a leash on you today,” Drake spoke shortly.

“I’m straight, sir. You don’t have to worry about me, I’ll keep in check,” Jay assured him, nodding his head with his words. His boss bobbed his head slowly as if he were debating whether or not to accept his assurance.

“Let me know if that changes,” he replied quietly, sending the agent a trusting nod.

“Will do,” Jay returned before turning to leave the office.

He quickly changed and made his way to the elevators to head down to the garage. His mind flickered back to his time in country. The faces of the six friends he lost before he came home and his best friend Mouse who was there currently flooded his head with memories. He tried his best to shake them off as the elevator descended towards the garage. The case was stirring up something in him, but he was determined to center his focus on the job and not let it take over. The doors opened and he stepped out, tracking his footsteps with his eyes as he walked. When he looked up, Hailey was slumped against the car. When she saw him, she bounced herself off of it with her foot and walked in his direction.

“Everything okay?” She asked, a look of concern plastered across her face.

“Yeah. Drake just wanted to make sure my head was on straight today… with my military background and all,” he said, his eyes darting around the garage to avoid hers.

“Mm,” she hummed. “Let me know if I can take anything off your plate. You know I’ve got your back,” she told him warmly, peering into his eyes with a look of sincerity.

“I know. I appreciate it,” he told her, forcing a smile.

“Anyway, check out our rig,” she said sarcastically, gesturing to the bureau-issued black SUV behind her. “It’s very unique and way better than your old truck,” she mocked, smiling as she tried to lighten the mood.

Against his best efforts, a smile crept away from his mouth as her weak attempt at cheering him up succeeded. Her head tilted as her eyes looked over at him with a glimmer he had only noticed a few other times before.

“C’mon. Let’s take this baby for a spin,” she finally told him, tossing him the keys as she made her way to the passenger side of the car.

Jay’s nerves picked up when they arrived at the convention center. Since they were going in undercover, they had changed into street clothes to blend in. He had chosen one of his old Ranger shirts and jeans, and Hailey opted for a plain white t-shirt and jeans. When they got out of the car, she reached into the backseat, grabbing a ball cap and securing it on her head before closing the door. The word “Navy” was written across it in yellow letters. She didn’t wear hats often, but Jay admired when she did. They suited her, however seeing her rep the Navy stung him a bit.

“You just had to choose Navy didn’t you,” he mocked at her with a scoff, knowing she could have chosen any branch to represent as they attempted to blend into the crowd.  

“What?” she feigned ignorance as Jay gave her a look of annoyance. “Drake loaned it to me,” she told him, turning her head up and brushing past him towards the entrance of the building.

“Mm. You know you always could have just borrowed something of mine,” he called after her, taking quick strides to catch up.

“Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have been able to see that look on your face,” she teased, her attention remaining straight ahead as she smirked slyly. He shook his head with a childish frown as he followed her to the entrance of the building.

Immediately upon walking through the doors, they caught sight of Daisy and Walker waiting for them under a welcome sign. They checked in and grabbed their name tags, before walking over to the two agents to convene before they set out into the center to try and track down the activists. Based on the intel provided by the whistleblower, they learned that the plan was to send in five members, each armed with undetectable weapons to disperse into the convention center and target high-ranking officials from each branch of the military. There was a panel later in the afternoon in which these individuals would all be on stage, the perfect opportunity to carry out the attack. Intel also revealed the individuals would be wearing red shoelaces so that they could spot each other in the crowd, a tidbit the four of them were happy to use to their advantage.

“Four of us, five of them. We need to split up. Hailey and I can take the first and second floor, you guys take the third and fourth. We each get a floor and call for backup the second we find any of these guys. If you spot one, take them down quietly, we can’t risk them alerting the others,” Jay commanded, taking point on the operation. They all nodded before breaking off and heading towards their separate floors.

“I’ll take the second floor,” Hailey told him, moving past him to climb the stairs.

“Wait,” he called after her, grasping her wrist lightly to stop her.

She looked down at his hand on her wrist, her eyes lingering for a moment before swallowing hard and bringing them back up to meet his. He quickly released his hand, bringing it to his pocket before he spoke.

“I- Just be careful, yeah?” He said simply, avoiding what he originally intended to say. Despite what he previously told both her and Drake, the case and being in a room full of veterans was affecting him more than he would have liked to let on. He almost told her this, hoping she’d have something to say that would help calm the jumbled mess going on in his brain. Yet, he realized she would just worry more and insist on staying together as they sought out the targets, and they needed to split up for time’s sake. So, before the words could leave his mouth, he asked for reassurance of the only other thing on his mind. Her safety.

Her brow furrowed at his words almost like she knew that wasn’t what he wanted to say, but she just nodded simply in affirmation. She brought a fist to bump his chest lightly before turning back and once again heading toward the stairs. He took a deep breath and recited the prayer of St. Christopher his mother made him and Will memorize when they were younger. These were grounding techniques he learned during his time in therapy. When he first started therapy, he thought the techniques were bogus, but he came to learn they really helped him cope when things began to trigger him.  

He took one final breath before making his way through the crowd of people, glancing down at the floor every few seconds to survey the shoes of those around him, trying to spot any glimpse of red he could.

Half an hour had passed, and it had been radio silence over the coms. He knew the operation would be difficult, but he thought for sure by that point they would have found at least one of the offenders. Just as he began brainstorming different strategies in his head, he caught a glimmer of red on the floor, doing a double-take and stopping in his tracks to confirm his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him. The red shoelaces were there, plain as day, and the man wearing them was by himself, surveying the crowd nervously.

“I’ve got one of the targets. First floor near the east corner by a couple of food vendors. I’m moving in now, meet at the rendezvous,” he said into the coms before walking towards the coffee stand to his right. He grabbed a coffee, filling the cup with cream to cool it down before walking towards the target. A few steps away from the man, he faked a trip, sending the contents in the cup all over him.

“Woah, I’m so sorry, man,” Jay called out, reaching for napkins to try and help the man dry his drenched shirt.

“What the hell is your problem?” The guy questioned, a look of fury on his face.

“That is totally my bad. I’m such a klutz. I didn’t see that bump on the floor,” Jay told the man, handing him napkins as he attempted to pat his shirt dry. “Hey, you need to get that under some water. The men’s room is right around that corner and I think there were hand dryers in there,” he said, pointing around a corner. The man angrily turned, making his way in the direction Jay had just pointed to.

“Eyes up, he’s coming your way,” he said into his mic.

They grabbed the man up, locking him in a backroom the convention center had provided to them for detainment. The hope was that they could get him to give up the location of the other men, but his silence proved he wasn’t giving anything up.

“Why don’t you two keep questioning him, Daisy and I will go back out there and sniff the rest of these guys out,” Walker told the two partners. Jay clenched his jaw tightly as he eyed the target on the other side of the room. He hadn’t had the chance to question him yet, but he already knew whatever he had to say was going to just piss him off.  

“You okay for that?” Hailey asked, turning to face him. Her eyes were cut up at him under the brim of her hat, and there was an earnest look on her face as she awaited his response.

“What do you mean by that?” Walker questioned before Jay could answer. He and Daisy weren’t aware of his history, certainly not in the way Hailey was. The last thing he wanted to do in that moment was dish out the details of his PTSD.

“Nothing,” he told the man bluntly before turning back to Hailey. “I’m fine, really,” he told her. As convincing as he tried to be, her eyes loitered on his face as she tried to measure the truth behind his words.

“You guys go ahead, we’ve got him,” she finally told the other two agents before they hesitantly turned on their heels to head back into the convention center. The second they were gone she stepped closer to him so she could speak to him without the man hearing.

“Look, I’m trusting you here, but the second you start to cross a line, I’m pulling you. This isn’t Intelligence. We can’t take the same risks here that we could under Voight. Understood?” She told him in a low voice. He bobbed his head up and down in agreement before making his way over to the man.

When they first detained the guy, they snapped a picture and sent it back to the analysts at headquarters to get an ID. Jay scanned the man’s file on his phone before slowly making his way over to him. He took a chair and sat it across from the man, turning it so he could sit with his arms crossed over the back of it.

“Mark Jones. You are quite the model citizen. Numerous charges for assault and battery, disturbing the peace, unlawful assembly, multiple violations of restraining orders, the list really goes on. But I don’t care about all of that. I care about why you’re at a veteran’s convention considering how public you’ve been about your hatred for the military,” Jay said, his eyes staring daggers into the man’s face.

“I ain’t talking to you. You’re just another pawn in the game. Too stupid and brainwashed to realize you guys are just a bunch of empty-headed murderers, blindly following whatever our so-called government tells you to,” the man spat back.

Murderers. The word made faces appear in Jay’s head. Faces of those he had killed both in Afghanistan and in Chicago. Faces he had spent years tormented by. He took several deep breaths, trying to ground himself. To keep from losing control. He looked over at Hailey who stood beside him, her arms crossed as she glared at the man across from them. Her attention turned to him and the expression on her face remained the same while the look in her eyes adjusted, sending him a soft message of support. This reassured him and he took one last deep breath before turning his attention back to the man.

“Where are the others?” Jay questioned, dragging out each word through clenched teeth. The man only gave him a snarl and an evil smile. He knew he was rattling Jay, and that only got him even more riled up.

“Ranger, huh?” He asked, avoiding Jay’s question completely and reading the letters across his shirt. “Y’all are the worst ones of them all. What’s your body count?” The man questioned, shifting his eyes from Jay to Hailey. “Baby blues here probably wouldn’t even be able to look you in the eyes if she knew how many, am I right?” The man laughed. Jay let out an annoyed laugh, staring into the space behind the man silently. His tongue trailed the back of his bottom teeth, the rage burning inside him and churning with every word that left the man’s mouth. Suddenly, he stood from his chair, kicking it towards the man aggressively before grabbing him by the collar. Almost immediately, he felt Hailey tugging at his arm to pull him off.

“You’re done, back up or get out,” she told him assertively. He continued scowling at the man, not moving from his position. She pushed against his chest, dropping her tone. “Jay, I’m serious. I’ve got this, stand back,” she told him in a whisper. Her voice snapped him out of the state he was in, and he threw his hands up, backing up and making his way to the wall on the other side of the room.

Jay’s ears rang as he blankly watched Hailey question the man. The room felt like it was spinning and whatever words were being exchanged between the two weren’t registering inside his head. All he could hear was a ringing in his ears, and what sounded like his heart beating out of his chest as his breath and heart rate increased out of control. He closed his eyes and took a breath. In for seven, out for eight. He quietly whispered the prayer of St. Christopher once again.

Grant me, O Lord, a steady hand and watchful eye, that no one shall be hurt as I pass by. You gave life, I pray no act of mine may take away or mar that gift of Thine. Shelter those, dear Lord, who bear my company from the evils of fire and all calamity.

When he opened his eyes, he was startled to see Hailey slowly and cautiously making her way toward him. Her brow was raised at him, and she turned around to look at their detainee before grabbing at Jay’s forearm and dragging him around the corner gently, out of the man’s sight.

“Are you good?” She questioned, a fearful look on her face and deep concern in her voice.

“Yeah,” he told her unconvincingly. But the rapid beating of his heart and the fog in his brain said otherwise. Almost like he had lost control of his body, he blurted out the word “no” as he shook his head. “I just, I-“ there was desperation in his voice, and the words fell out between irregular breaths. He noticed Hailey’s eyes begin to gloss over and she removed her hat, placing it on a chair beside them before closing the space between them. She then reached down to grab his hand, raising it to place it over her heart, keeping it there with her hand pressed tightly over his. This froze him, causing him to lose his breath completely as he brought his eyes down to meet hers. Any other time the touch would’ve had his heart racing, but somehow in that moment, it was what was calming him down.

“Jay, just control your breathing. Feel my heart beating, feel my hand against yours. You’re in America. You’re in New York. We’re both right here together, and you’re okay,” she whispered, taking deep breaths. She counted out her inhales and exhales, urging him to match her pattern of breathing. After a few moments like that, his breathing became normal again and they separated, taking a step back after releasing from each other’s touch.

“I’m sorry,” he told her, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable for letting her see that side of him.

“No, do not be sorry. You have nothing to apologize for.”

He nodded. “How’d you know what to do?” He questioned, picking up on the ease in which she was able to help him overcome the episode.

“After watching you deal with your PTSD alone early in our partnership, I decided to learn how I could help you in those situations in case I ever needed to. I actually asked the department shrink back in Chicago if she could give me any tips. She gave me those grounding techniques, the focusing on your senses, controlling your breathing…” her voice trailed off. He was looking at her deeply, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of care and concern she had for him. When she noticed the way he was looking at her, she looked away bashfully, reaching for her hat and securing it back on her head before clearing her throat.

“Anyway, are you okay?” She questioned. He nodded.

“Thank you.”

She took a deep breath before reaching to speak into the coms.

“Bennett, Burrows, Jones wouldn’t give me any leads on where the others are, but we need to find them fast. I was able to find out that at least two of them are carrying deadly aerosols. They’re after more than just the officials, they want to target as many of these veterans as possible,” she told them.

After calling in two other agents to watch the detainee, Jay and Hailey made their way back into the convention center. Against protest, she insisted they clear the place together. He knew it slowed down the operation, but it comforted him to know she was by his side in case he began to slip into a dark place again. About an hour passed, and they had no luck. The panel that would gather most of the convention attendees and all of the high-ranking officials was soon approaching, and Jay had a new idea to get the guys, but it was risky. They reconvened in the detainment room upon his request. Each of the agents eyed him, waiting for him to speak.

“I think we need to let the panel happen. We know this is what these guys are targeting. It’ll be easier to spot them this way, and we can get them all at once,” Jay proposed, looking between each of them for their reaction.

“It’s too risky, we’d be putting everyone in the room at risk,” Walker said, strongly opposing the suggestion.

“I don’t know, he has a good point. Having them all in one place, we don’t risk one of them slipping through the cracks,” Daisy voiced in support.

“Or it makes everything ten times worse, and they all get lost in the crowd,” Walker argued back. Hailey was quiet throughout the interaction, and they all looked to her to get her opinion.

“I think it’s risky, but I also think it’s the only play we have left,” Hailey said.

“Yeah, well you shouldn’t get a say, you would clearly side with him no matter what,” Walker said bluntly.

“Excuse me?” Hailey bit back. Before the conflict could go any further, Daisy butted in.

“You’re outnumbered here, Burrows, and we’re out of time. We’re doing Halstead’s plan,” she said straightly, turning to head back into the center. There was a distinct tension in the room, but they all shook it off to focus on the task at hand.

It was decided, they wait until the panel began and sniff the guys out. They called in another unit of covert tact guys to cover the perimeter of the crowd. Every minute that passed had them all on edge, and none of them had spotted the guys. Eventually, Daisy got the idea to pull the fire alarm. The ones who looked panicked, desperate to get to the exits would weed out the targets who would be desperate to stay inside. With a stroke of luck, the plan worked. Some of the tact guys were able to spot and take down two of the offenders, Jay and Daisy got another, while Walker and Hailey were left wrestling another to the ground. In the process, the man had dropped an aerosol canister. Hailey’s heart stopped as she watched it roll across the floor, but she breathed a sigh of relief when they got to it with the lid still sealed. The day ended much better than they could have all imagined.

Back at the office, they worked on paperwork late into the night. Jay was still distracted, still dealing with the effects of the day. Hailey helped him with the paperwork so they could get out of there more quickly, something he was grateful for. Logging off their computers and closing up files, Walker rose from his chair.

“I’m really sorry about earlier, I say we all go out to drinks. Clear up the air. I’m buying the first round,” he said, addressing every single one of them as he pulled on his coat.

“You know I would, but I’ve got a baby to get home to. After today, all I need are some tiny person cuddles,” Daisy said with a tired smirk.

“I’m in,” Hailey said, looking over at Jay as they awaited his response.

“I appreciate the apology, but today really had me beat, I’d rather just go home and sleep it all off,” Jay said as he rose from his chair.  Hailey’s gaze remained fixed on him a moment, almost like she was asking if he was okay without saying a word at all. He nodded his head, slowly blinking his eyes at her and she sent him a false smile in response.

“You and me then, kid,” Walker said, eyeing Hailey with a less than wholesome look. Jay tensed up at the thought of the two of them, alone in a bar, winding down in the way he and Hailey were so used to doing. But after everything that had happened, he wasn’t feeling social, and the last thing he wanted was to be out for drinks with the two of them as Walker ogled Hailey the entire night. They left the desks to head out, and he slowly pulled on his coat and grabbed his phone and keys.

“Jay, wait up,” Drake called after him as he passed his office.

“Yes sir?” Jay questioned.

“Nice work today, I know it couldn’t have been easy. At least it wouldn’t have been for me,” he told him, sending a look of sincerity.

“It wasn’t easy, but Upton had my back.”

“Yeah, she’s a good one isn’t she?” Drake said. Jay looked behind him towards the elevators where she and Walker were waiting together. Walker said something to make her laugh, causing Jay’s face to drop immediately. He forced a smile before turning back to Drake.

“Yeah she’s a good piece of gear,” he told him, a phrase only a fellow military man would understand. Drake flashed him a smile in return, and Jay hung his head low.

“Goodnight, Halstead,” Drake told him.

“Goodnight, sir,” he returned before heading out.

He was still trying to decompress after the heaviness of the day, but he couldn’t get the idea of Walker and Hailey out of his head. He’d wished she would’ve said no, wished she wouldn’t be on her way to spend who knows how long with him at a bar. He also wished she would show up at his door, despite him saying he wanted to be alone, bearing booze and comfortable silence that always brought him peace after cases like that day’s. Yet, that night he knew she wouldn’t. So, he went home and immediately went to bed. Part of him was scared to sleep, bracing himself for whatever nightmares were to come as a result of the day’s triggers. He kept a light on that night, knowing if he woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream it would remind him that he wasn’t in the middle of the desert, fighting for his life and trying to protect those around him. He recited the prayer of St. Christopher for the third time that day, but this time before he could get out all of the words, he was overcome with exhaustion and gave in to sleep.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I’m going to byu this next year and I’m quite scared. Is there anything I should know? Also, I’m toying with the idea of going back into the closet just to make it easier in class and around extended family, because I know going to byu will hurt, but maybe I can make it hurt less? Idk, I’d just really appreciate some sort of response about this because you seem like the kind of person that can give a knowledgeable response. Ty for reading :)

Let me begin by saying my BYU student days are long ago and most of what I share is what I’ve learned from students the past few years or from when I visit campus and speak to people.

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I know people who've been out but went back into the closet for reasons like going to BYU or moving to a new ward. And after experiencing what it's like to be out, being back in the closet the second time is a tougher experience. They recognize they are suppressing themselves.

I understand your desire to go back in the closet and how it gives you the opportunity to come out to roommates and friends after you test the water, maybe ask them questions and get a sense of their level of acceptance.

An alternative to going back into the closet is find an apartment with another queer person living there. If you know some queer BYU students, ask them to help you find housing with a queer roommate. If you don't know any queer BYU students, perhaps some will read this and message you, or I can contact a few for you.

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The Out Foundation partners with Flourish Therapy to provide therapy for free to queer BYU students. I've only heard good things about Flourish, other than there's typically a wait list and may take weeks/months to get seen and assigned a therapist.

There's also CAPS, the university's counseling & psychological center, and I believe they're included in your student fees, so no additional costs to meet with their counselors. I've also heard good things from queer students who seek help from here.

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USGA is the off-campus group for queer BYU students & their allies. They meet at the Provo library (the old BYU Academy bldg). They meet weekly and have activities. I highly recommend. This is a chance to meet other queer people in a situation similar to you. USGA may also be a route to find a queer roommate.

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If you find that BYU is too much and you need to transfer, The Out Foundation might assist. Last year they raised money to help queer students transfer from BYU after the Honor Code change fiasco. They have a guide to transferring. It's better to get a degree from UVU than to be depressed and suicidal at BYU. Plus the name of the institution you graduate from will follow you the rest of your life and people will assume things about you based off of where you went.

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Caleb Stewart put together this map to Gender Neutral Bathrooms on BYU Campus

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At BYU, your ward will assign you into FHE groups, often it's 1 or 2 men's apartments and 1 or 2 women's apartments assigned together. 

Here's the thing, FHE isn't mandatory for your ecclesiastical endorsement, so skip it if going makes you cringe. There's a social aspect of going to college, and many find FHE contributes to that. 

If you have roommates, they may pressure you to go, but tell them you have class/study group or your going to your parents' house or whatever excuse you want.

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If you want to avoid a calling, there's a couple strategies. Don't draw attention to you the first 3 weeks of school, that's when most callings are extended, maybe go to a friend's ward. If possible, leave your records in your home ward for 2 or 3 weeks until the big rush of callings is over.

You can avoid your BYU ward only a few times because you will need the bishop to renew your ecclesiastical endorsement. Elders Quorum and Relief Society are where your attendance will be taken.

If you really don't want a calling, you can decline the calling. Some callings are more demanding than others.

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The school network used to be monitored, or had software that blocked certain sites, I don’t know what the current situation is. Until you know, be careful what stuff you access on the school network. Things that come across as anti-Mormon may be noticed and get flagged. 

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A different strategy would be to tell shame to take a hike and hang up a rainbow Pride flag when you first move in. If your roommates ask (which they probably will), you can choose to say you're an ally or you are queer. You make the move to indicate this is going to be a queer-safe space.

If they really are uncomfortable with the idea of living with someone who is queer or an ally, they may try to transfer to a different apartment. And if so, good move as it will remove a hostile person from your life.

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Ben Schilaty is a gay man who works in the BYU Honor Code office. Arranging to go by his office to introduce yourself and ask him for advice on how to have a better time at BYU is a good idea. His position is to enforce the Honor Code, so you can ask him about what is or isn't allowable at BYU, but don't go confessing things because he is a school official and would have to take action.

Blake Fisher is a gay man who works as an inclusion advisor in the Office of Student Success and Inclusion. He's worth a visit to see what steps BYU is taking to include queer students. He likely will have some advice on how to be successful as a queer student.

You'll probably be surprised by the number of faculty who are allies and display a rainbow or trans flag outside their office door. One faculty member I would recommend meeting is Roni Jo Draper. She was head of PFLAG in Provo, and is on the board of the ACLU. She'll likely be able to recommend other professors who are queer-friendly.

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You can generally have a good time at BYU. However, anytime you mention queer topics, there's the possibility someone will overhear and respond negatively. You never know when a queerphobic talk will be given at church or a bigoted comment made in class. Feeling like you may experience these things at any time can make a person feel a bit paranoid and that they need to be careful.

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While individual professors may call out people who make such comments in your class, don't expect the administration to take your side. In questions of personal dignity versus someone who claims they're defending church doctrine, the personal dignity of queer people gets sacrificed every time.

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There are opportunities, such as volunteering at Encircle House or running for USGA leadership, that give you an opportunity help better the lives of queer people, and that is a fantastic feeling to know you're making a positive difference.

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A recent poll found 13% of BYU students identify as LGBTQIA. Queer students are there and if you can find some, they'll introduce you to others. Being at BYU as a queer student can feel isolating, but you're not alone. Finding other queer students is very helpful. That group of students are generally very loving and supportive because they know what it's like.

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As BYU is not an affirming, welcoming place for LGBTQIA students, it is up to you to build yourself a support network. This includes faculty who are allies that you can talk with, finding other queer students with whom you can talk about the ignorant things you have to deal with, USGA where you can hang with other queer students, and so on. 

Also monitoring your mental health is important because there's an ongoing low-level of stress that goes with being a queer student at BYU. If you need help, get into CAPS or Flourish and look at the possibility of transferring to another school, you may qualify for in-state tuition depending on several factors.

[southeastasianists]

Carolyn* can never get out of her head the memory of her parents bringing her to conversion therapy. The transwoman from South Sulawesi was 13 then, and society expected her to identify as male in accordance with her biological sex at birth.

“Deep inside, I kept telling myself that I’m not sick, that I’m okay,” she recalled.

Carolyn experienced ruqyah firsthand, a form of conversion therapy imbued with Islamic exorcism that is common among Muslim communities in Indonesia. Carolyn’s parents explained away her feminine expression as the work of a malevolent female demon.

At the time, the teenager did not fully grasp the situation she was in. She agreed to go along with her parents’ wishes due to her deeply embedded fear of sin.

Carolyn was taken before the local cleric, who prayed to expel the female demon in her body. The cleric also asked her parents to leave her with him for a few days so she could undergo several rituals.

“But at that time, I refused. I wanted to go home and didn’t want to be there. I was fine, I cried and said to my mom, ‘Mom, I want to go home, I’m fine,’” she said.

After begging her mother, Carolyn’s mother finally agreed to send her home on one condition: she had to stop expressing feminine traits and stop hanging out with her female friends. Carolyn repressed her feminine expression for several years after that day.

“To be honest, I felt very tortured. I felt very tortured mentally,” Carolyn confessed.

Carolyn said she placed a lot of pressure on herself over the years. She never felt that she was a man. She was always more comfortable expressing herself as a woman. In the final year of high school, Carolyn decided to stop lying to herself and her family. She ran away from home and learned to become a hairdresser at a salon that accepted her gender expression.

In the early days of Carolyn’s emancipation journey, her past and concerns over her identity continued to haunt her. Not a day went by that she didn’t fear persecution, socializing with others, fully expressing herself, all the while saddened by the irreparable burned bridge with her family.

Even now, at the age of 32, Carolyn is still traumatized by her conversion therapy experience. She gets easily triggered by watching religious TV shows or films that feature ruqyah scenes.

But ultimately she believes that she made the right choice, because nothing can take away her freedom to fully express herself as a woman and her achievement of becoming a fully functioning adult in a society that generally does not tolerate her people.

“I also feel comfortable and feel very relieved that in the end, I can accept myself as a transwoman. I feel like I have found myself. This is me, I am a transwoman,” she stresses.

In contrast to Carolyn, Sofia*, a lesbian living in the capital, was encouraged by her family to undergo ruqyah when she was old enough. By that time, she was mature enough to make her own decisions; and so she ran away from them.

“At that time, I was 25 years old and I was studying for my master’s degree. My position was quite privileged, right?” Sofia said.

Living in Jakarta, Sofia was more exposed to open discussions on the issues of gender and sexuality. When her mother asked her to go to therapy, Sofia was already certain about her sexual orientation. Furthermore, she had been involved in the advocacy for gender and sexuality issues.

“So I think there was nothing to lose at that time, and my identity is the core of my life,” she said.

However, Sofia’s refusal for therapy did not sit well with her family. She said they still pressured her “recover” to the point that they used violence against her.

“But I didn’t want to. I insisted because they already know me as a lesbian, so why do I have to back off?” she said.

Sofia believes that her knowledge of diversity in gender expression and sexual orientation was one of the biggest sources of courage that emboldened her to emancipate. If LGBTQ+ people are exposed to the same knowledge, Sofia said, they will be able to accept their identities and acknowledge that they’re not the problem — homophobia and conversion therapy are.

“We must fight together to convince the world that being gay is okay. You need to learn about yourself. You’re not sick. It’s society that’s sick,” she added.

Ika*, a transwoman from North Sumatra, experienced conversion therapy when she was 13, 17, and 18. The methods that she went through were quite diverse, ranging from ruqyah, to burial rituals, admission to Islamic boarding schools, and goat sacrifice.

None of them worked. And she said she had to live with the constant pressure from her parents to get rid of her feminine expression, which, according to them, was also the work of a demon.

“What should be removed from my body? Because according to their assessment, there is an evil spirit who made me like this,” Ika said.

“In my opinion, conversion therapy is bullshit.”

Ika now works for an NGO advocating to end HIV discrimination and stigma suffered by trans communities.

‘Individual will’

Conversion therapy is not a new phenomenon in Indonesia, but the matter was hotly discussed recently when several Indonesian queer activists, including Lini Zurlia and Kai Mata, received targeted ads on social media encouraging them to undergo conversion therapy.

“It feels like I was targeted by a group of people. It made me upset, especially because this is very sensitive regarding LGBTQ+ rights in Indonesia,” Kai Mata said.

“What I think the government should do is to make it illegal. I also think that LGBT people in Indonesia deserve the right to live in this country without fear.”

Attempts to contact the conversion therapy service through the ad failed as of the time of this article’s publication. Another conversion therapy center in Jakarta, which claims to use hypnotherapy as one of its “healing” methods, did not come across like it has a vendetta against LGBTQ+ people despite providing the harmful service.

“When does sexual orientation become a problem? It happens when the values that are taught ​​[by people’s environment and family] are different from their sexual orientation,” therapist Adrianto Darma Setiawan said.

Adrianto claims to have treated around 2,500 patients in the last 12 years. About 20 percent of these patients are (or were, if he succeeded) gay, lesbian, or bisexual. The standard therapy to “heal” sexual orientation consists of about about five to six hypnotherapy sessions lasting around three hours per session.

Adrianto said that some of his patients underwent therapy out of their own accord, but most were there due to encouragement or pressure from relatives. The therapist did not say how many of his patients he managed to convert, but said that “recovery” depends on the will of the individual.

The government’s failure

Imam Nahei, a commissioner at the National Commission on Violence Against Women (Komnas Perempuan), said that LGBTQ + groups in Indonesia still have a long way to receive adequate protections from the government. For as long as homophobia prevails in Indonesia, conversion therapy will remain as one of the most harmful and real threats that haunts people from minority sexual groups in Indonesia.

Nahei said that conversion therapy is an obvious human rights violation, yet the state, which should be responsible for protecting all of the country’s citizens, has not done anything to protect LGBTQ+ people from the practice.

“The state has not done anything because, in Indonesia, this issue is still very controversial as it is associated with dominant religious views,” Nahei said.

There’s little hope for progress in this regard when homosexuality and alternate forms of sexual expression are still seen as a deviation or a disorder by the country’s lawmakers, such as House of Representatives (DPR) Commission VIII Deputy Chairman Marwan Dasopang.

Marwan supports the existence of conversion therapy in Indonesia. Not only that, he wants DPR to eventually pass legislation allowing the state to provide the service to the public. If conversion therapy was normalized, he argued, patients would not experience extreme psychological trauma, such as from being forced to “recover” by their parents.

“It needs to be regulated,” Marwan said, adding that discussion on the regulation of conversion therapy are still in their infancy.

Indonesian policy makers, and even psychiatrists, have long gone against the scientific fact that homosexuality and other sexual identities are not a disease or disorder. Their stance have emboldened homophobia, which, in turn, has fostered the continued existence of conversion therapy.

Riska Carolina, director of Advocacy and Public Policy from the Support Group and Resource Center on Sexuality Studies at the University of Indonesia (SGRC UI), said among the many forms of conversion therapy in Indonesia, most are performed with ruqyah. Others who aren’t forced to go the conversion therapy route are still made to see shrinks who practice with heavy religious influence, hypnotherapists, or admitted to religious boarding schools.

“[Conversion therapy] is a threat to the LGBTQ+ community. It is persecution to the LGBTQ+ community. It violates their basic human rights. LGBTQ+ people are not a disease,” she stresses.

Riska believes that regulating conversion therapy would violate the minority groups’ rights even more than they have suffered. Even if the therapy is carried out based on patients’ willingness, Riska argued that it still validates the idea that LGBTQ+ people have mental disorders.

“Conversion therapy must be banned. It is more necessary to provide protection, even though I know that protection is still a long way off. So I prefer that, at least, [the government] treats us equally and gives us affirmative action,” she said.

“I’m ashamed to know that Indonesia is very late in terms of acceptance and it’s already 2021. You don’t need to like LGBT people, but you also don’t need to discriminate against us, especially to the level of torture. What you do with conversion therapy is torturous.”

*Carolyn, Sofia, and Ika’s real names have been omitted, at their request, to protect their identity.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

You should totally be producer of emmerdale your story with the added village stuff and all that would be better to watch. What would you do as producer?

you mean aside from the obvious - get Ryan to come back as Robert? And robron getting married for the third time and getting Seb back and finally getting their baby?

I'd go with Aaron and Mack for now. Get them together until Robert comes back as added drama for robron reunion 3.0.

Mack himself needs to be fleshed out more. If we're retconning Moira's past, let's do it properly. More Mack and Moira sibling stuff, maybe their dad can come looking for his son? Or some other Long Lost Relative. Also more interactions with his new roommates. Let him be mates with Ellis and Billy too - and maybe not threaten them. And he needs an actual job. Maybe with Aaron at the scrapyard or with the haulage company... or Chas can sack Bob and hire him as a new barman!

Matty and Amy - let them be an actual couple. No stupid sitcom references, no acting like 13 year olds. Let them actually discuss what Matty being trans means for their relationship. What does Amy think about dating a trans man? Is their relationship sexual at all or is Matty not comfortable with that? Does Kyle know Matty as his mum's boyfriend? Let him get bumped up the waiting list for his bottom surgery and let Amy support him through his recovery. I could write an essay on this because the way emmerdale treat them pisses me off beyond belief.

Vic & Luke - break up, he goes to prison for killing his brother, she gets back together with Ellis and they live happily ever after.

Chaddy - break up! let Chas have that affair with Al. Paddy can get with Mandy.

Tracy and Nate - break up. Let him go stay with his mum and I'm sure Vanessa would like to meet her niece, so tracy can go stay with her for a while.

Dawn and Jamie - dear god just end it already.

Dawn can get with Ryan and Jamie can comfort Mack when Aaron breaks his heart when he gets back together with Robert.

Will, Harriet, Dan, Amelia, Andrea, devil child (Milly), wailing wendy - all leave, never to be seen again.

Samson and Lydia become proper mother and son. Maybe she helps him with the fall out from his suspension or helps him deal with his traumas (he grew up in emmerdale, he's bound to have some)

Noah - no more Jamie's little minion, let him work at the garage with Cain or the scrapyard with Aaron

Sarah - can stay in Scotland... but I suppose she can come back with Debbie. Debbie and Priya *rekindle their friendship* from when they were playing Al and end up falling in love with each other.

Leyla and Liam - break up! Liam belongs with Bernice. Leyla can get with someone new.

Speaking of someone new - I'd bring in a whole new family. Parents and a couple of kids in various age groups. We need some new blood in that village. someone not connected to the dingles. Also Stephen (before Luke goes to prison) and Ethan's mum.

Meena and David - not bothered about them, they can stay together... though she could be fun with Mack too.

Rishi and Manpreet - break up! Manpreet needs to be with Charles. Rishi needs to not act like a 5 year old.

Jai and Laurel - deserve all the happiness in the world. No more drama for them. plus proper therapy to deal with their decision to terminate their pregnancy.

Leanna - boarding school somewhere in northern Russia

Gabby - is a Strong Independent Woman who don't need no man and raises her baby on her own.

Kim - Home farm's top bitch with a soft spot for Lydia and Rhona. They have regular wine dates up at home farm. non spiked wine though.

Jimmy/Nicola go back to being the power couple they are, Juliette takes a long walk off a short cliff.

Liv and Vinny - get back together without their relationship being used for a shitty abusive asshole plot. Also Liv gets a service dog.

Ethan gets to be the powerhouse lawyer he is and work on a big trial - where he falls in love with someone working for the other party.

Matty and Ryan pick up their antiques pimping business again and are a big hit on social media.

Eric and Brenda - break up! Eric should be with Faith. Brenda can go back to being irrelevant and keep the hope twins off screen with bob.

I'm kind of intrigued by that Aaron has an older brother story the tabloids made up... so I'd go with that. Have him show up on the mill's doorstep one day saying "hey, i'm your brother.' from gordon's affair with the guy's mum when Aaron was a baby

I’d bring back Aiesha because i feel like she could be fun with Meena - and the whole my mum used to kind of be your mum thing with Ethan could be interesting.

I’d also bring back Nikhil and Alicia - just because people always say they like them and miss them. I don’t really know them but that’s beside the point.

Reunite vanity - it has to be done. But Charity isn’t watered down to Vanessa's needy little minion and gets to keep her personality and her shares in the haulage firm. Also she gets to say she’s bisexual.

Vanessa goes back to being a vet and pulls rank on Jamie as senior member of staff. No more him sneaking off with Dawn all the time. And she and Charity share custody of Johnny with Kirin.

April - takes to hanging out at her old house with The Lads and Mack teaches her all kinds of Scottish swear words, while the other 3 try to be Good Role Models for her.

Marlon and Rhona live happily ever after. Rhona picks up the pieces of Marlon’s sanity every time he tries to get The Lads to pay their rent on time or stops by their house in general. Mack’s new hobby is to wind him up as much as he can.

[philthepegacornfics]

Limits: Part 2

Sam Wilson x Sibling!Reader, Peter Parker x Reader

Request by Anon: you're sam wilson's little sister who has been recruited and given tech of her own (or joined the shield) and peter ends up really, really liking you but sam is overprotective af- Bird

Word Count: 2.3k

Trigger Warnings: Probably some swearing, Reader is in a wheelchair

A/n: This request reminded me of Limits and so I wanted to continue on with the story and just make it a Spiderman x Reader. I hope you like it! There will be more parts to this. I’ve just written a lot, and decided to break it up.

Part 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sam, you really shouldn’t be here,” I muttered. I looked up at my brother who was pushing my wheelchair towards the high school entrance.

“And miss supporting you on your first day back to school? Not a chance,” he chuckled, shaking his head.

“This isn’t funny!” I exclaimed before lowering my voice. “You’re a wanted man. Don’t you think they’ll be watching me too, to see if you show up?”

“I’m keeping a low profile,” he shrugged.

“Wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap is not keeping a low profile.”

“Yes it is, people see less of your face.”

I rolled my eyes at him and turned back around, crossing my arms. Captain America broke Sam out of prison just over a month ago. How could he possibly think it to be a good idea to even be out in public?

As we approached the doors, Sam quickly hit the button to make the automatic door open. The halls of the school were full of groups of teenagers huddled together with their friends. Trying to get as much time with them as they could before the first bell rang.

People’s eyes found their way to me and stared. I could hear a few whispers among them wondering out loud of what happened to me. I tried sinking down as far as I could into my chair and looked down on my lap, trying to hide the embarrassment on my face.

“Where’s your first class?” Sam asked from behind me. I’m sure he noticed my dwindled spirits, but he didn’t mention it.

“My first class is Chemistry… Room 301?”

“You don’t sound confident in that.”

“I’m sure it’s 301!”

“We can double check the schedule if-”

“I studied that schedule for over a week. It’s 301.”

“If you say so.”

Sam continued to push me as we wandered the halls, following the numbered rooms up to 301. When we got there he pushed me into the room. The walls were covered in various pictures of different bones and muscles of the human body. There was a skeleton in the front corner of the room.

A blonde woman who looked to be Sam’s age walked up to us, giving a kind smile, “Hello, I’m Mrs. Nelson are you new here?”

I nodded my head and stuck out my hand, “I’m (Y/n) Wilson and this is my brother Sam.”

“Nice to meet you, (Y/n),” she shook my hand. “As well as you, Sam.”

“Likewise,” Sam’s voice came from behind me.

“I don’t remember seeing you added to my class roll… Are you here for Anatomy?” she asked.

Heat rushed to my cheek as I could hear Sam failing at stifling his laughs. Mrs. Nelson gave him a curious look before looking back down at me.

“I… um… I’m sorry, I think… I think we’re in the wrong room,” I stuttered.

“What class are you trying to go for?” she smiled at me patiently.

“Chemistry,” Sam answered for me.

“Oh, you’re probably with Mr. Harrington. He’s a few doors down, across the hall in room 306,” she directed.

“Thank you,” I said to her with a wave of my hand as Sam backed me out of the room.

Once we were in the hallway, Sam muttered, “I told you that we should’ve looked at your schedule.”

“Shut up,” I hissed at him.

The first bell rang out through the school. All the kids in the hall started scurrying off to class. We made our way to room 306 and entered. At the front of the class was a man wearing a white button up with a tie and khaki coloured pants. Like Mrs. Nelson, he looked to be about Sam’s age. He had brown floppy hair, a scruffy bread, and wore round glasses that were too small for his face.

“Ah, you must be (Y/n),” the man walked over towards Sam and I.

“I am,” I smiled and took his hand, giving it a firm shake.

“I’m Mr. Harrington,” he introduced himself before looking past me to Sam, “And you are?”

“Sam, (Y/n/n)’s brother,” they shook hands as well.

“Firm hand shakes must run in the family,” Mr. Harrington joked, retracting his hand. “How about we seat you here by the door, so that way you have easier access in and out?” He quickly moved behind the desk and grabbed the chair to move it out of the way.

I gave a small shrug as Mr. Harrington found a place for the chair, “Sounds good to me.”

Before Sam could push me, I started rolling myself to get behind the desk. It took some effort, but I eventually got it. I twisted in my seat and grabbed my back pack that was hanging off of my wheelchair. Setting the bag on the table, I pulled out the notebook I decided to dedicate chemistry to and a pencil.

The second bell rang, indicating that class should start. Sam made his way to my side of the table and leaned down to give me a hug. “Love you, I’ll be in touch. Call me or Steve if there’s an emergency.” 

“Love you too. Thank you for coming, though it’s a dumb move on your part,” I muttered the last bit.

Sam smiled at me, “Anything for you, (Y/n/n)” He then ruffled my hair knowing that it’d piss me off.

I glared at him while fixing my hair as he started walking out. A thin boy with brown hair and pale skin ran into the room smacking right into Sam.

“I’m so so sorry,” the boy sputtered.

“Don’t worry about it, kid,” Sam said before brushing past him and out of the room.

“You’re late, Peter,” Mr. Harrington sighed.

“Sorry Mr. Harrington, I overslept this morning,” Peter apologized.

“Just go take your seat,” Mr. Harrington instructed.

The boy walked towards the back of the room. I couldn’t help but watch him. His brown hair was slightly gelled back to help keep it in place. That didn’t stop a few strands from falling forward into his face when he ducked his head down. He was wearing a plaid button up shirt that poked out beneath a navy blue sweater with grey jeans.

“Ned, why didn’t you save me a seat?” Peter whined when he got to the table he was looking for.

An Asian guy with straight almost black hair that was parted in the middle, who I assumed was Ned, shrugged. “MJ wanted to sit here.”

Both of the boys turn their attention to the girl who was sitting at the table. She had tan skin and dark brown, curly hair. Her nose was in a book as she ignored the boys looking at her.

“Peter, please take a seat,” Mr. Harrington spoke from up front.

The brown haired boy looked around the room. His eyes landed on me before they drifted to the empty spot next to me. He took long, quick strides back to the front of the room before plopping into the chair to my right.

I grabbed my backpack and moved it to the floor, leaning it against my chair. That way I made sure I wasn’t taking up any space on his side.

“Good morning class,” Mr. Harrington started, now that everyone was in a seat. “We do have a new student joining us. Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

I turned my body in my seat to see everyone’s eyes on me. Some people in the back were moving around trying to see from behind the person in front of them. 

I gave an awkward wave of my hand. “Hi, I’m (Y/n).”

“And what’s something about yourself?” Mr. Harrington asked while he was taking attendance on a clipboard. 

“Umm… I recently moved upstate, but decided I wanted to attend Midtown Tech because I felt it was a better school for me than the one’s around there.” I left out the part that I lived in the new Avengers compound and I didn’t want people to see me going home there.

“What happened to your legs?” a boy shouted across the room.

“Flash, that’s not appropriate,” Mr. Harrington scolded.

“It’s okay!” I spoke up before the boy got in trouble. I could tell he wasn’t the only one who wanted to know. “I… I um…” I paused for a moment to collect my thoughts. It wasn’t common knowledge that I worked with the Avengers, and I’d rather keep that information on the down low. “I got caught in one of the Avenger squabbles and a building fell on top of me.”

A couple of gasps and murmurs broke out across the class. 

“And you lived?!” Flash exclaimed.

“I’m still here, aren’t I?” I joked.

Peter was looking at me with wide eyes. I watched them travel down to my legs.

“I’m actually getting my casts off today, and I’m going to start physical therapy,” I told Peter, but spoke loud enough for the rest of the class to hear.

“I’m sorry you got caught in that,” Peter apologized to me.

“Don’t worry about it,” I waved a dismissive hand.

“Did you get to meet them though?” He asked before quickly adding on, “Never mind, they’re probably busy.”

I let out a small laugh, “I guess you could say that I did meet them.”

“Really?” He looked excited.

“Yeah. Maybe if I wasn’t getting my cast off today, I might’ve called them up to see if they could sign it,” I joked. Everyone did sign the first cast that I had on. Everyone was excited. Writing small ‘Get better’ notes with little drawings. They wanted to sign this one too when I got it, but I asked them not to.

“Alright class, settle down!” Mr. Harrington called out above the noise.

Once everybody started to quiet down, Mr. Harrington started his discussion today on Vibranium and would occasionally write things down on the white board. I took notes and kept up the best that I could. But it became obvious that this wasn’t the first day they had discussed this element.

When the bell eventually rang to signal the end of class, I looked over my notes and sighed. The page was full of half thoughts. Some things I wrote, ‘What?’ next to it, as a reminder to look it up. I knew it was going to be difficult to catch up, but the reality of it was now settling in.

I quickly started packing up my things as well as taking out my schedule so I could make sure I got to the correct class. Peter stood up and was about to leave the classroom with Ned when Mr. Harrington called out to him.

“Peter, I need to speak with you. And (Y/n),” He looked over at me.

I nodded in acknowledgement, twisted my body and hung my backpack to my wheelchair, then rolled myself over to his desk. Mr. Harrington waited until the class was empty before turning to speak to me, “How was your first class?”

“It was a little difficult to keep up,” I answered honestly.

“As I suspected it would be,” he nods before turning his attention to the boy. “Peter, I would like you to tutor (Y/n) and help get her caught up on our curricular.” 

Peter shrugged his shoulders and turned to me, “When would be a good time for you?”

“I’m available everyday after school for about an hour,” I smiled at him.

Suddenly Peter’s face seems to fall and the tips of his ears turn pink. “I uh… I can’t at that time, I have detention.”

“Everyday?” I asked in surprise. From the looks of Peter, I wouldn’t have pegged him for the type to get detention.

He nods his head solemnly. 

I turned back to Mr. Harrington ready to ask if there was someone else that would have the time to help catch me up. He looked deep in thought. The question I had sat at the tip of my tongue.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine for you to cut detention to help (Y/n). I will speak with Principal Morita about this.” Mr. Harrington finally spoke. “Go ahead and start today after school, if that works for the both of you.”

“Actually, could we start tomorrow?” I asked. “I’m getting my casts off today.”

“Oh yeah,” Peter nodded his head.

“That’s right,” Mr. Harrington recalled.

“Yeah, we can totally start tomorrow,” Peter said, still nodding.

The room filled up with students as Mr. Harrington wrote us slips for our next class to excuse our tardiness. 

“So, what class do you have next?” Peter asked me as we left the room.

“English, I believe.”

“Really? Who do you have?”

I paused wheeling myself to unfold my schedule I had resting on my lap. “Mrs. Campbell. Room 221,” I read out loud.

“That’s where I’m going!” He laughed.

“That’s awesome! I could use your help in this class too,” I smiled up at him.

“I mean, it’s pretty common for a lot of people to have similar classes. I wonder if we have any other classes together?”

“Why don’t you take a look?” I handed him my schedule.

He took the paper quickly and read over the page. Peter shook his head in disbelief. “We have every class together. Even our electives.”

“That’s insane. It’s like some higher power wanted us to meet.”

“Seriously!”

“Now I don’t have to worry about getting lost,” I giggled. “I get to just follow you around.”

The late bell suddenly rang through the hallways, interrupting our conversation. Peter looked down at his feet and scratched the back of his neck. “We should hurry to class.”

“I agree.”

“Do you… uh… would you like me to push you there?” he stammered.

I nodded my head. “My arms could use a break. I’m not too used to moving around this much.”

Peter stepped behind me and pushed me to our next class.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @galcalirwin @frontmanash @dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt @aneclecticwriter

[samarathesiren]

The tape on the bottom right is stuck to the glass, but the edge is folded over so it can be peeled. My daughter drew on this one.

The upper left piece of tape is the same, and sticky on the outside when this is closed. Obviously, I wrote this.

If you read my blog, some of this may be prior knowledge for you. It’s recapped for clarity & flow.

Please…bear with me if you have time to read this:

************************(TW)*************************

{—————————————————————————}

I have been able to watch my daughter solo dolo for a very long stretch recently, and I’m still in the midst of doing so. The longest since I sent her to live with my brother while I get established with my career path. We spent 5 days together a couple weeks ago in the same manner, and this time I have been up here for a week now. It will be 11 days total, and then I head home to prepare for getting back into my second to last semester toward a degree in working with live sound.

And finally. Finally.

I will be employed again.

Right when school is back in session. With odd gig work already cropping up. I have one the 25th next month.

My redemption arc has been very taxing. At times it’s as if I’m an alien. The soul survivor of a crash somewhere over the US. And I feel like I can finally get the mothership off the ground again.

And I feel that way tonight because…I’m who I’m supposed to be right now.

I’m a mother.

I’m finally a mother again. The way I was when she was small. And I feel home. Even though I’m technically not.

Thank those of you who have been supportive. I don’t think I’m a bad or even a rude person most of the time, but my diagnoses make me a bit of a hurricane when things are hard or I feel anxious. And I overthink social interactions a lot, which leads to venting in some messy ways on tumblr.

There is a scene in Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise is talking to a board of doctors assembled specifically for him (he is a billionaire) about his headaches and potential surgeries after sustaining skull fractures in a car crash which altered his facial appearance and partially crippled one arm. He gets frustrated when the best care they can provide to assuage the headaches seems to be inadequate, and shakily states:

“These are more than headaches. These are steel plates slicing through my every thought.”

That is how I feel about my trauma symptoms; and why my diagnosis is hard to describe to people. Especially since it is the result of multiple traumas and multiple *types* of trauma; including years of regular physical abuse, psychological torture at one of the long term (1 yr) adolescent facilities I was in…

[[…I could link the articles…about the place I went.…]] and how many of the kids have tried to run. And how basically none of them left the place once treatment was complete and ended up thriving. I *could* share the links. But I don’t want to. All this just to say, I am not using the term “psychological torture” lightly. My parents signed a waiver for my intake because I was 12 and it was a program for teenagers. The experiences there while I was behind locked doors almost 24/7…and was at times sat at my desk with the 19 other kids on my “team” to be punished for days with silent staring at the wall and no talking…amongst other things…has unfortunately made it difficult for me to get things out of therapy ever since. And I had a second round there for 9 months 3 years later. Though therapy is now remarkably [[…more beneficial than before)…..……………….…………]]

…and some sexual trauma (as an adult) which I definitely don’t want to elaborate on.

These are not “bad memories.” They are a hand grenade in my head that never stopped exploding, to loosely quote a Marilyn Manson lyric.

I am finally making large strides in healing.

I sowed the seeds for that through months of daily, 6-8 hour (often 8 but sometimes 6) group therapy last year in 2020; The place was technically outpatient since the level of programming depended on one’s individualized schedule & could vary, but I took on the fulltime track. Like a work shift, every week day.

Those seeds are now bearing fruit.

But only with help from a couple friends, my mother, my brother, two Discord servers and…at least most of you whom I’ve interacted with on my tiny friends list here.

Since my brother has not done a lot of therapy and is 50 years old (I will be 30 in Sept for reference), I am a little embarassed of sticking self-affirmations to the mirror, and he has stopped by occasionally.

That’s why I decided to employ the method pictured above.

Slowly but surely I guess…

💜❤️🖤❤️💜

{—————————————————————————}

Update:

Had to clean out the ole belfry.

It’s been a bit since I’ve seen so clear.

💋

[mocha-sim]

“Old AU/fanfic ideas I’m probably never going to write” dump

(Long post warning)

---

“Full Circle”, first fic I came up with when I got into the fandom around early 2018, your basic next-gen fic except the main focus is on the student council, who all somehow wind up involved in the case of Ayano’s daughter, Kataba (which is a dumb name in retrospect). Kuroko is Kataba’s teacher, and Akane is the guidance counsellor. Aoi and Shiromi don’t actually appear until after the first rival is killed (pretty early in the story), when Aoi - a bodyguard at Saikou Corp. - is sent to the school to watch over Megami’s son, and Shiromi is a detective/journalist assigned to the case. Weirdly enough, Megami’s son Haruki ends up being the one to trigger the “senpai effect” in Kataba

I had some ideas for rivals:

Haruki’s close friend Emiko, kind of a flirt. Gets stabbed to early in the story for the audience to really get to know her

Rikuto, leader of the gardening club, and a very emotional guy who may or may not have been suffering abuse at home. Iirc Kataba drops something heavy on him in the shed to kill him

Kano, leader of the (now-official) gaming club, grumpy and rude but has a soft spot for cute things, kind of a depressed attitude and maybe has drug problems. Gets driven to suicide

Kazumi, leader of the art club, an energetic girl who’s popular around the school, but a daydreamer. Suffering from an unwanted pregnancy

Chika, leader of the science club, cold and distant personality, others call her “ice queen”, looks up to Kaga who now has his own huge corporation. Kataba sabotages her experiment (a small robot) to quite literally blow up in her face at a science convention, which kills her

Isamu, leader of the school’s kickboxing team. I never really fleshed him out tbh

Tamotsu, leader of the delinquents, infamous throughout the school and has the kind of personality you’d expect a delinquent to have. I don’t remember the details of how I planned to have him eliminated but I think Kataba found some way to get him killed by a rival gang

Sadashi, a timid and quiet new student who moved from elsewhere in the country and is struggling to adjust to life at Akademi. Again, I don’t think I fleshed her out as much as the others, but there was something about her trying to get into the student council

Masumi, Haruki’s childhood friend whose family is constantly moving around for business reasons, but is always texting and video-chatting with him. Just like Haruki, she’s extremely rich and is one of the only people who can really relate to him. A very calm and polite girl. If I'm remembering right, I think she actually survives, but gets kidnapped and tortured by Kataba and never really recovers from the trauma

The tenth rival is actually Haruki’s bodyguard, Aoi. By this point in the fic it’s all gone to shit, there’s a missing person’s report out for Masumi, Akademi is in a state of panic and many students have stopped coming to class, and there’s been talk about shutting the school down permanently. The focus is kind of split between everything that’s going on (Masumi, the state of the school, Shiromi’s investigation, Taro and Ayano’s marriage falling apart, Kataba trying to kill Aoi) instead of just focusing on the current rival

I think had one idea for a student who’s not a rival: a Midori-like student called Tsuki Muun... but she was a gag character more than anything

There are other canon characters who appeared in the story, like Ayano and Taro, Megami (though she doesn’t play a major role), Info trying to help Kataba for her own benefit (I had a vague idea about her going undercover as one of Shiromi’s coworkers and trying to sabotage the investigation), possibly Osana and/or Hanako, and I considered having Oka show up as a ghost

Taro is kind of an ongoing obstacle for Kataba and is the one who rescues Masumi from the basement (he also hits Ayano with a chair when she tries to stop him from taking Masumi to the hospital by threatening him with a knife. King behaviour)

Kataba is actively trying to sabotage Shiromi and her coworkers. Early on in the story she kills Shiromi’s search dog as a “warning” to her

Shiromi and Taro end up becoming close friends whilst she’s investigating his daughter’s crimes. Ayano gets kind of suspicious but I don’t really remember where that ended up going. Also there’s this whole scene where they break into Kataba’s room while she’s out to find her bulletin board with notes/pictures of all the rivals and how to eliminate them

Aoi is not only Haruki’s bodyguard but his godmother as well, and he calls her “auntie”

There’s some conflict between them because he feels that she’s too overprotective and, being a teenager who wants to hang out with his friends, he doesn’t want some middle-aged woman lurking over his shoulder all the time

Over the story they start to resolve things and grow closer. Aoi supports him when he feels insecure about not living up to the “perfect” image of his family

Since the story would take place around 20 years in the future I think I was going to take some liberties with technology and stuff like that, especially during Chika’s week

Akademi’s uniform also changed over the years to something more fitting for a high school, the number of students attending grew much larger, and their sports club/martial arts club were replaced with something closer to actual high school sports teams

---

Supernatural creature AU, where everyone except Taro and Hanako is some kind of monster/creature/etc. 

Taro is oblivious to everyone around him being monsters and thinks the school he attends just has a lot of weird students, but he’s an accepting and non-judgmental person so he just takes it in stride. Hanako, however, knows what’s going on and has to constantly keep Taro from walking straight into danger

Ayano is a demon who Taro unknowingly sold his soul to in exchange for a bag of chips, and now she wants her repayment. She and Hanako are almost constantly at odds with one another, but on occasion they team up to protect Taro from a “greater threat”

Instead of an occult club (because I think that would be kind of obsolete in this AU), there’s some kind of support/therapy group for undead creatures like zombies, ghosts, vampires, etc. Oka decided to start it because of the struggles she’s faced as a zombie

The sports club are all aquatic monsters of some kind. There’s at least one merman in there

The science club are aliens and/or have some kind of “artificial human” theme going on (robots, Frankenstein-esque creatures, etc.)

The gardening club are all fairies - the kind who do things like tending to flower gardens and cleaning around your house

Shiromi, on the other hand, is more of a “trickster” kind of fairy who steals shiny things/valuables, gets people lost in the woods for fun, and may or may not eat human flesh (Hanako makes the assumption that she does and tries to save Taro from her). She doesn’t get along too well with most of the gardening club

Akane is a banshee who ends up serving as the student council’s “alarm” for when someone is dying

Aoi is some kind of reptilian/dragon creature who can breathe fire, but probably can’t fly

I don’t think I ever got anything set in stone for the rest of the student council. I was thinking of making Kuroko or Megami a seraph but that doesn’t really fit in with the “monster” theme

One of the bullies is a shapeshifter of some sort

At least one of the delinquents is a werewolf

Iirc the existence of monsters/supernatural creatures wasn’t common knowledge even in this AU and Akademi was created as a “safe” school for them to get an education without the threat of being discovered by humans. How Taro and Hanako got in... nobody knows. Maybe someone thought the two of them were a little too average and had to be hiding something

Most of the other students at Akademi are aware that the two of them are humans, and some find them fascinating or like to mess with them. Others are wary around them and try to avoid them out of fear that they’ll react badly. The rest of the students are just horribly confused and trying to figure out what they are

---

Aoi x Shiromi biker/mechanic AU

Aoi is part of a biker gang, but her bike is an absolute rustbucket that’s constantly breaking down and there’s only one reliable repair shop in the small town she lives in. The mechanics keep suggesting that she gets a new bike but she has a sentimental attachment to her old one and doesn’t want to get rid of it. She’s gonna get fined for driving it eventually

Aoi doesn’t get along with her family in any AU it seems, and trying to stay away from the house as much as possible led to her getting involved with the biker gang (probably with the martial arts club members). Luckily, the gang she’s a part of is much more benevolent than the other major gang in town and mostly acts in defense of themselves or others. They’re politically active more than they are actually criminal, and the illegal things they do basically amount to protests and the like

The “rival gang” is the delinquents. They’re the ones who commit more crimes like theft, vandalism, drug trafficking, etc., and usually do what they do for money. They’re not afraid to use physical intimidation and violence to get what they want. Both gangs often wind up in trouble with the law for collateral damage during their fights

The delinquents hate Aoi more personally than the other members of her gang because of a) the amount of problems she’s caused for them and b) a rivalry with their leader, Osoro, which dates way back to high school. Aoi gave Osoro that scar on her face, and Osoro damaged Aoi’s eye badly enough that it had to be removed

Kaga and Shiromi’s parents died at some point when Shiromi was in high school. Kaga was already an adult at that point, plus a mechanical genius, and was old enough to take over the repair shop. He taught his little sister everything he knows so that she could help him after she graduated. They live in a small apartment right above the shop

Shiromi usually winds up being the one to repair Aoi’s bike (or at least helping) and the two of them start bonding over that

Most of the people around Shiromi’s age (19-ish in this AU) left town to attend college somewhere better, or get a job elsewhere, so she’s found herself lonely a lot since she graduated high school. Sure, there are the other employees at the repair shop who she gets along well with, but they’re all significantly older than her and she can’t really connect with them the same way she could with her friends from high school. She’s grateful for the opportunity to talk to someone close to her own age for once and potentially make a new friend (though Aoi doesn’t really want anything to do with that at first)

At some point Aoi comes in seriously injured after a fight, but denies that she’s hurt. Shiromi convinces her that she needs to go to the hospital and gets her there

Kaga already has some protective-older-brother tendencies (which Shiromi hates), but it practically doubles when she starts hanging out with Aoi and the rest of Budo’s gang. She knows Kaga just wants her safe and uninvolved in gang conflicts, but by this point she’s really attached to Aoi and wants to keep seeing her, so Kaga backs off under the condition that Shiromi stays on her guard and doesn’t go out at night

As Aoi and Shiromi start hanging out outside of the repair shop more often, the delinquents realize that Aoi has someone close to her that they can use to hurt her

They start making threats against Shiromi just to provoke Aoi, or otherwise messing with the two of them. After a fight in which Umeji suffered a major head injury that hospitalized him, and Osoro’s gang lost the drugs they were trying to sell, Osoro makes the decision to kidnap Shiromi to lure Aoi in and beat up/possibly kill her. They succeed in the kidnapping, but it falls apart when Shiromi tricks the guy who’s supposed to be guarding her and escapes on her own before Aoi even shows up

After this incident Kaga is full-on freaking out and forbids Shiromi from seeing Aoi, blaming her for Shiromi getting kidnapped. The two of them keep communicating through text and Shiromi sometimes sneaks out to see her

Before the story takes place Aoi wasn’t super close with the other members of the gang - they were acquaintances more than anything. Over the course of the story she gets closer to them and starts to learn more things about them (like the fact that Budo is/once was in the same situation as her - in love with a girl (cough-Oka-cough) whose family wouldn’t let her near him because of his lifestyle)

There’s a whole arc focusing on Aoi’s parents trying to get Aoi out of the gang, not because they’re genuinely worried for her safety but because they think their daughter being part of a gang reflects badly on them. They possibly try to get the other members of the gang arrested

After this arc, Aoi moves out into her own place near the repair shop, and Shiromi and Budo help her move in

Aoi and Shiromi end up happy together, Kaga and Shiromi resolve things between them, Aoi no longer has to deal with her parents, Budo ends up with Oka, the other gang members resolve their own character arcs, and the delinquents end up in jail

---

Magical girl AU which, tbh... I never really fleshed out. It was mostly an excuse to draw cute magical girl outfits. But I did have some stuff down for it!

The placeholder club leader/now the empty demon is the “Kyubey”-type thing that gives all of them their powers

I never really figured out whether I wanted to take a dark route or a more light-hearted one with this. I think my favourite idea would probably be something in between, though - not super grimdark and edgy, but not all sunshine and rainbows either

All of them got not only powers and weapons, but also enhanced physical abilities like running faster, jumping higher, increased strength, increased durability, and more stamina. But those abilities would only take effect while transformed. I was thinking one of them would get used to having enhanced abilities and keep trying to do things they can’t actually do in their normal daily life, which eventually gets them hurt

Kuroko has some sort of rifles and the ability to form hard-light shields to protect herself or others

Akane’s weapon is a bow for which she can produce as many arrows as she has energy for. She also got the power of flight/levitation

Aoi has a sword, like a really heavy broadsword type of thing that she can somehow lift with one hand, and the ability to breathe fire

I think I was planning on giving Shiromi a weapon at some point, but I don’t remember what it was... My other idea was her not having one single weapon, but being able to produce as many small projectiles like throwing knives, shuriken, etc. as she needs. She can also become completely invisible

I don’t think I really had anything fully decided for Megami tbh. I had a vague idea of what kind of outfit she would wear but I never drew any designs (at least, not that I remember)

They definitely have to do some travelling around Japan at some point

Ayano may or may not have been an “evil magical girl”, I don’t really remember

---

Another one I didn’t flesh out a whole lot: the fic where a bunch of Akademi students go on a camping field trip

Info attends school as a normal student in this AU and is part of the group that goes camping

It’s Ayano, Info, Osana, Megami, Kuroko, Akane, Aoi, Shiromi, Osoro, Kaga, Taro, Umeji, Budo, Itachi, and Tsuruzo

There’s a scene where they’re all gathered around a campfire telling horror stories. Kaga offers to hold Megami if she’s afraid. Megami is not afraid, is sick of his shit, and tells him to go sit somewhere else

At some point they need more wood for the fire, but nobody wants to go into the woods to get it, so Shiromi tells the boys that whoever brings back the most wood can have a date with Akane. It gets most of the boys off of their butts for sure, but Kuroko scolds her for it. Shiromi just says that, once they’ve got the firewood, it’s not like they actually have to go through with their end of the deal. Kuroko heads off into the woods to collect some herself

Kuroko ends up bringing back the most wood and waves Akane off, saying that she just did it so that she wouldn’t have to go to dinner with one of the boys, but Akane insists on giving her that date when they get home

Everything is going great with the camping trip until they wake up one morning to find Osana missing from the girls’ cabin. They spend hours searching before someone finally finds her dead in the lake

Everyone is certain that this wasn’t an accident and the mood immediately plummets. Almost everyone has their suspects and is at each others’ throats. The teachers who are supervising decide that they’ll all pack up and be ready to leave tomorrow morning

However, Itachi and the delinquents want to figure out who killed Osana and bring them to justice. One thing leads to another and all the students end up lost in the woods. At some point the delinquents suspect Info and attack her, which injures her and splits the group in two

After that I’m not really sure where things go, but everyone is trying to get back to the main camp and get home safely. Aoi is in the same group as Info and is hella suspicious of her as well so not everything is peaceful. There are some people in Umeji and Osoro’s group who are pissed at them for attacking Info and splitting the group. Taro is extremely upset by Osana’s death and Megami comforts him, which leads to Ayano plotting to kill Megami as well while they’re still here, and possibly hindering the group/trying to isolate Megami as a result.

---

I had a pirate/mermaid AU for Aoromi but I never wrote anything down for it - I just had a few really, really old sketches I never posted

Iirc, the general plot was that Aoi’s crew was struggling after the betrayal of Ayano and the death of the former captain Megami + many other crew members, and couldn’t really do anything but run from other crews who tried to attack them, their only advantage being that their ship was still the fastest. Then they fish up a mermaid, Shiromi, who they plan on selling for money to hopefully try and get back on their feet, but end up getting emotionally attached to her

---

Superhero AU which I think I’ve mentioned before but

Anyone with superpowers is legally required to work under the government to defend the citizens whenever they’re called, but they don’t get any pay or significant benefit from it so they also have to work other jobs in their civilian lives. This causes huge amounts of stress

There are some who formed their own group to rebel against this system, which eventually evolved into trying to establish a new society in which they are above those without powers. Info is their leader. Her powers revolve around hacking, not just technology but people as well (though the latter is a lot more complicated and difficult)

Hanako is a sort of “sleeper agent” who doesn’t actually know that she has any powers, let alone that she’s one of the most powerful. Info finds out before she does and brainwashes her. Hanako constantly finds herself “blacking out” and then waking up in her room hours later with no memory of what happened. Meanwhile, a new member of Info’s organization shows up under the name “Nemesis”

Kaga doesn’t actually have any powers, but works for Info and her organization anyway. He’s a technological genius who built himself some kind of Iron Man-esque robotic suit to fight alongside them. He believes that if he works with the “winning side”, when they eventually take down the government, he’ll be spared/treated better than the others. Spoiler: he won’t. Info is planning on discarding him as soon as he outlives his usefulness to her

Also Kaga’s codename was “Dr. Bluescreen”. Clearly the most intimidating name ever.

Homu is a robot and one of Kaga’s inventions. She ends up developing sentience and emotions

Seiyo and Ajia are rivals in both their civilian and superhero lives. They work as waiters at the same restaurant

Being born with powers also comes with enhanced abilities like speed, power, endurance, etc. Ayano doesn’t have any actual powers, but has all the other enhancements (maybe even more so than the others) and is considered one of them anyway

Megami’s power is to calculate her opponent’s weaknesses and adjust her own powers accordingly. It sounds good, but it’s not so great when facing off against more than one person at a time

Aoi has fire-related powers and is in constant conflict with the fire department

Kuroko can produce toxins from her body, Akane can fly, and Shiromi can camouflage herself or other objects/people

Info and Shiromi go way back and Info is constantly trying to convince her to come over to her side. Info may or may not brainwash her at some point which sort of sets off Kaga because opposite sides or not, that’s still his little sister

At some point I was thinking of adding a “middle group” who don’t want to work under the government but don’t want to put themselves above people without powers, either. Maybe the delinquents

---

[fanfictionfortheappreciative]

Support Group - Chapter Two

Ao3 link :)

CHAPTER 2

My whole morning was just like regular. Breakfast in the main hall, where I ate too much food as a force of habit - when my brain realized food was free and in large numbers, it made a connection to the times I had been forced to starve in my closet for days, and from that moment I hoarded food into my body. The consequences of this were that I would be walking around with a tummy ache all morning, but the upset stomach was still way easier than going against the childhood trauma. 

After breakfast we went to the common room, and hung out in there. Yes, we were all traumatized young adults who fought and won a war, but we were also still kids, and being lazy on a Saturday is just an important part of being a student. So, while Hermione was searching through flyers and applications for job positions and study possibilities - we still did not know how to get her to relax, although being with Ron had helped a bit - Ron and I were lazily sitting on the couch looking through some albums of the Chudley Cannons, while ignoring the Transfiguration essay that had to be done by Monday. 

It was a normal Saturday, but the support group flyer kept appearing in my thoughts. Who had put it there? Which of the Slytherins would it be, and mostly, who would show up? It was not a secret, you know, that everyone still struggled and some people were in need of more support than they were getting. It wasn’t a secret, and not even taboo to talk about really, but it just felt weird to openly share some of the stuff your mind goes through. Nobody wants to remind each other of those bad times, and if your sharing of memories could awaken traumatic feelings in someone else, why not keep them to yourself?

So that is why most talks and memories were shared on late nights, with one of your best friends, while the rest was a sleep. Hushed whispers about nightmares that kept appearing, the people you missed and the way Hogwarts had changed. Late, silent nights.

Thatś why this sudden appearance of a so-called Support Group was… Out of the ordinary, and sparked my curiosity. Maybe I would drop by, say hello and goodbye and leave again, just to see what it was about. But then, they might expect me to share war memories, and that was definitely not something I would be up for. Sharing was a sore subject for me, something I barely even did with Hermione and Ron. Sometimes I did, when I woke up from a nightmare or came back from a flashback, cause I couldn’t just not tell them anything, but the days and weeks I felt hollow and numb 24/7? There was no use in telling them. They would just feel guilty about not being able to help, and apart from numb and hollow, regret would also be added to my emotions.

The rest of morning I spent weighing curiosity against anxiety, and when lunchtime came I still had not made up my mind. That was, until Neville walked over, came sitting next to us and started talking.

“Hey guys! What are you doing today? I was considering homework, but I think I can postpone that til tomorrow, don’t you? Anyway, did you see the new posters? The support group thing? It’s surprising huh?” He grabbed a croissant, put it in his mouth, and looked at us, expectantly. 

I didn’t dare reply, as I had not yet made up my mind, but Hermione had already opened her mouth. 

“I saw, yes. I don’t think it’s that surprising at all, Neville. In fact, creating a group where people can go when they need help is wonderful.” 

“Oh, so are you gonna go?”, I asked, carefully not revealing any interest in my voice. If Hermione was going, then I could just tag along with her, and if both of us were there maybe people wouldn’t expect me to talk. I could just be the quiet Boy who Lived and she’d be the representative of our trio adventures. 

“Don’t think so, no. I’m a little busy with all these program applications and to be honest if I ever want to talk I can just go to you two or Ginny, you know”.

She had a point, most of the people in our circle had enough friends or family to go to when in need. That’s why the Slytherin part was not that surprising; they often did not have these connections. Still, with my very close group of friends, I still had nowhere to go or vent. I talked to Sirius and Remus sometimes. I would sneak out of bed at 2 am, not being able to sleep, and go to look at the stars. Sometimes I could actually see Sirius up in the sky. Sitting there, I would start talking and talking about what was keeping me awake, and although it helped, there was not any response, and I think I needed a response.

Sitting at the lunch table I thought about Sirius, about the late night one-way talks, and about the fact that if they were alive, any of them, they would want me to seek a response.

So right there and then, I decided I would go.

“I’m going, yes”, I blurted out. It got me some weird looks.

“I did not know you were that into therapy and support? When did that happen, mate?”, Ron asked me, rightfully so.  We both weren’t the touchy feely type. 

“Yeah, I know… I’m just curious, and maybe some people will appreciate me being there”. Shit. Was that too cocky? I saw Hermione looking at me observingly, but I did my best to avoid her glance and tried to recover myself. 

“You know, cause maybe not everyone is comfortable sharing their stories, cause they uhh, feel like it wasn’t that bad, but if I share something light but bothersome, you know, they might think  ‘Oh, if Harry Potter shares that, I can share this’, right?”, I proposed. This wasn’t going smoothly, but they seemed convinced and Hermione’s look stopped being intense. Phew.

 “Yeah, guess so”, Neville continued “Maybe I’ll go as well, but not this time… Still a little awkward for me… With the snake and stuff”, he finished. Neville grabbed another two croissants and left the table, walking over to Ginny and starting a conversation there. Ron and Hermione picked up the conversation on Hermione’s study programs abroad, but I did not pay attention anymore. I had made my decision, and I was gonna hold myself to it. Support group it was, then.

It was five minutes to three when I made my way to the Charms classroom. I didn’t want to be early, but I wanted to be late even less. It would have been a bit too ‘Harry’ of me to stumble in 10 minutes late to a war support group and be like “Hey guys, I’m the savior”. Could not do that. Very inappropriate. 

-

The classroom had been adjusted to a more welcoming setting, which had been achieved by moving the school banks in a circle and having no one sit at McGonagall's desk, which was smart,  I don't think she would have liked that. On the board was written in chalk, in a very classy handwriting:

"Support group: first meeting. Introduce yourself. Share information in the manner you want. Listen to others. Feel free."

-

A good message, a little cold maybe, but good. Walking into the classroom, it appeared that despite my efforts of being casual, I still was one of the earliest people there. Better than being late. Most of them were young students, the kids who had been first and second years during the battle. There were about three of them, all Hufflepuff, gathered around at a single desk. They looked vulnerable, and I felt slightly impressed by their bravery of showing up to an event like this. In my second year, there were amazingly many things I would have done, and did, to avoid talking about my problems. To be fair, with the snake and all, I shouldn’t blame myself for that.

The other people looked as they had come here on their own. A few Slytherins, around my age, or 7th years. I’d expected them. It was their meeting. Still, there was tension. Blaise was there, his dark eyes looking down at the desk, focused on picking the grout out of the wooden cracks. A few others were next to him, the Slytherin kids who always used to hang around Snape. Then there was Luna, which surprised me, but only a little. Distracted as always, she was talking to the moving cat pictures that were on McGonagall's desk, and they seemed to be talking back. Curious.

There didn’t seem to be anyone who was taking charge, I noticed. The person who wrote the message on the board couldn’t be one of these kids, right?  Maybe they tried to be casual, just like me, and were actually succeeding at it, I thought. Although, the briefness of all the messaging did seem to belong to a strict person. Well, nothing to do but wait. 

“Hello everyone, good to see you all, I’m, uhm, Harry”, and as I spoke I realized that I did not have to introduce myself to these people. And that I was an idiot.

“We know Potter, I think we noticed you sometime last year”, Blaise snickered, but not in a mean-spirited way, just regular, Slytherin sarcasm.

I had learned to understand it, a little. It wasn’t like I was never sarcastic, I’d just always thought the Slytherins were mean and cruel. But in actually talking to them, I’d discovered they were blunt and full of jokes that only they understood, but without ill intent. Most of the time, that is.

“Well it said introduce yourself,” I tried to recover, “and after that to share information the way I want to. So, er, hi I’m Harry, and the war still really sucks?” Apparently it had become absolutely impossible for me to act normal and casual anymore. Lovely. 

The Hufflepuff kids looked up at me in a confused admiration. They whispered something to each other.

“This is Nicky, this is Mary, and I’m Robb, and we think the war sucks too”. It was a little black haired boy who said this, bright eyes and dark features. He couldn’t be older than 13. How were these kids so cool? 

“Thanks Robb,” I responded, “does anyone know when our host is coming in? I don’t want to act like this whole ‘the war sucks’ thing is me taking over the meeting… Do you guys have infor-” 

“Terribly sorry to be late everyone. Extremely bad manners, I know. I hope you all have made yourself comfortable and have had the opportunity to introduce yourselves a little. I’m not sure it is neccesary, but nontheless I shall introduce myself as well. My name is-” 

 “Draco?”,  I blurted out, quite suddenly and loudly.

“Well yes, Draco it is, thanks for the introduction, Potter.’ He said this with a tone of amused surprise, and not the snark I was used to, and might even have deserved in this situation. Attempt number three of acting normal, ruined that too.

“I’m, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Just, not what I was expecting and all that. Please continue”, I responded in my most civil tone, trying to show him, and everyone else, that I was not going to have a duel with Draco right here right now. 

“Thanks, will do. Anyway, hereby I open our first group session of post-war support, there’s tea in the corner and I’d love to hear everyone’s names. Let’s get started, yes?”

[faecaptainofdreams]

This character belongs to FursonaKittenMittens!! Also keep in mind that time in fandoms is a tad subjective and just depends on the moment it's projected, so while this leaps a bit into the future just...try to not harp on that too much ^^; It messes with ME a little, not gonna lie, but i love it SO MUCH, UFF. Enjoy~ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~Sky Davis~~ Born in California to well-set parents as Joel Davis, Sky was a born and raised beach bum who could afford to live easy. His parents could not, for the life of them, keep him off the beach, and so they simply encouraged him. When he was 10, Joel took up wake boarding...mostly because the idea of him full-on surfing freaked his parents out. Around the age of 11, Joel began to consider his gender identity. He didn't feel like a boy, but he didn't feel like a girl, either. He'd always felt different, but now it was something he couldn't escape entirely. It didn't help that he personally never liked the name "Joel" for himself. After a couple of years, when he was 15, Joel discovered he was actually they, and began to identify as non-binary. They chose the name Sky, and their parents were actually quite supportive. If their child was happy, they were happy. This same year, Sky decided they wanted to someday become a marine biologist. They started scuba diving; they adored the sea life and the beauty of all the ocean held. The sun, the surf, it was all an integral part of them. Sky started studying everything relating to marine life they could, and began looking into colleges to eventually get into for their future. When they were 18, the Summer following high school graduation, Sky was out boarding with their friends, Donna Adams, Jacob Morgan and Aden O'Brian. Jacob, who was dating Donna and had aspired to become a pro surfer, was attacked by a shark and left alive, but rapidly bleeding to death. Sky and friends dragged him back to shore with attention and help from the life guard. It was a horrendous disaster of a day, and Jacob ended up dying from his wounds in the hospital. Sky was traumatized. Unable to face it, they decided it would be best to leave California all together and get away from that beautiful ocean. They told their parents that it was to go get basic college courses out of the way somewhere else, but it was a lie and their parents knew it. But there was only so much advice they could give, and because their child was now an adult, they couldn't stop them. They only offered their love and support. So Sky moved to Washington DC when they were almost 20 years old. They have visited their parents a couple of times, but haven't been in the ocean since that horrible day. ~~Partnership~~ When Sky is 24 and working at a coffee shop, they lock eyes with a 23-year-old Walter Beckett picking up a couple of things for himself and Lance before heading off to work one morning. Seeing Walter as a tad star-struck and fumbling over himself, Sky decides then and there that this boy is cute, and puts themselves out on the line by writing their cell number and first name on one of the coffee cups. Walter doesn't notice the number until he's already in the car with Lance. After days of nervous deliberation, he texts the number, and he and Sky begin talking. They quickly meet up and, despite both being shy, are relatively forward with what they thought of each other when they met in the coffee shop. Sky had had on a couple of badges with their identity colors on them, so Walter had already known they were NB. They decide to strike up a bit of a friendship, and then give dating a try. Walter has never dated anyone, so he expresses a lot of concerns, but Sky is patient and admits they're nervous, too. After a couple of months spent dating, Walter, Sky, and several other friends take a day trip to a beach a few hours away. Sky doesn't speak up about their past, not wanting to weigh the group down or reveal too much about themselves so suddenly. But once they get there and everyone is out in the water having fun, a little teasing from August (OC) prompts an anxiety-driven emotional breakdown and a flashback. Sky runs off and locks themselves in one of the cars they'd rode down in together, but Walter follows them. After picking the lock and getting to Sky and helping them calm down, Walter coaxes them into telling him what had gone wrong. A mournful Sky finally confesses, and Walter is nothing but embracing and loving. When he asks why Sky hadn't told them this, and Sky gives their answer, Walter lets them know that everyone would've been just as happy to do something else together, or even alternate between a few people doing the beach while a few others hung out with Sky somewhere else fun. He tells them that next time (because there WILL be a next time), this is what they will do. He encourages Sky to hold his hand and come clean about their past to the others later on, and needless to say everyone is understanding. They go back home at the end of the day on good terms. The experience bonds Walter and Sky a little more, and a little less than two weeks later, they become intimate for the first time. Sky will move into Walter's house about a year later. ~~Today~~ Sky is going to once-weekly therapy for their trauma, as suggested by Walter. They deeply want to overcome their fear of the ocean, as they honestly still love it and miss it dearly. They want to wake board again someday. They still work at the coffee shop, but Sky's ambition is to someday get the courage to go to college and pursue their dreams. For now, they are content with Walter, and are trying to work out their issues through love and support. ~~Personality~~ Sky is laid back and easygoing, but surprisingly smart and has a love of nature that is highly compatible with Walter and their new peer group. They don't anger easily, but they're also not the constant ray of sunshine their boyfriend is. Though of course, basically no one is. Easy to get along with, and sometimes surprisingly submissive. ~~Physiology~~ Sky is 5'7" and has a tight, lean body. They aren't overly built, but they're a tad muscular from a life having been spent on the water. In the years since the incident, they've stayed in shape with other exercise and good diet. Being NB, Sky sometimes likes to wear female clothing or a stark mix. They may also do their hair up in buns or ponytails, wear a hint of makeup, or whatever they please. Sometimes, they allow their facial hair to grow out a tiny bit, but usually not much or for long. No matter the look, Walter loves every one of them. ~~Preference~~ Sky is bisexual, but admittedly prefers men. They had a girlfriend in high school but broke up because, well, high school romances tend to be shallow, and they dated a girl after moving to DC. She was a tad manipulative and believed it was wrong for people to pleasure themselves if they're in a relationship, and reprimanded Sky for a number of things. She also tried to get them to embrace being more masculine. After a few months together, Sky felt like they were obligated to have sex with her, and so they did. It's always been something they've sort of regretted, as it only played more into her manipulation. Thankfully, the ever-calm and well-tempered Sky broke it off with her. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------

Now they are happy with Walter :”3

[blog-cosmosuniverse1]

Medical Ignorance and the Mass Murder of Coronavirus Patients

Commentary by W. Gifford-Jones, MD

(OMNS Oct 20, 2020) In treating the sick, Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine counselled, "First, do no harm." Unfortunately, this cherished principle has not been followed in caring for patients with coronavirus infection. Losing a loved one due to cancer and other diseases is always tragic. But losing one due to the coronavirus pandemic when it could be prevented is an unforgivable act resulting in the mass murder of innocent lives. It has happened due to ignorance about history, hypocrisy, a lack of training of doctors about alternative medicine, and closed minds about the life-saving medical benefits of high doses of intravenous vitamin C.

I would not have the knowledge to write this article if one event in my life had not happened. At 74 years of age I nearly died of a serious heart attack. Doctors said I'd be dead in a few years without the help of cholesterol-lowering drugs. Luckily, several years earlier I had interviewed Dr. Linus Pauling, two-time winner of the Nobel Prize. He advised me of the important role of vitamin C in decreasing the risk of coronary disease. This is when I made one of the most vital decisions of my life. I decided to take 10,000 milligrams (mg) of vitamin C daily, rather than believe Big Pharma. But I also worried because Pauling, although a brilliant chemist, was not a doctor. Was he right about vitamin C? It was only years later when Dr. Sidney Bush, a English researcher proved that vitamin C could reverse atherosclerosis (hardening of arteries) that I knew I had made the right decision. [1]

Now, 22 years later, the doctors who told me I'd be dead in a few years without cholesterol-lowering drugs are dead, and I'm in my 97th year, still alive. It's this experience with the cardiovascular effects of vitamin C that's triggered my interest in the anti-infective and other medical benefits of vitamin C, especially how it can decrease deaths from viral and bacterial diseases.

Klenner went on to show that large doses of vitamin C could also cure other viral diseases such as meningitis, hepatitis, measles, mumps, pneumonia, shingles and even the poisonous bite of a rattlesnake. [2-4]  Since that time other researchers have reported that there is no viral disease that high-dose IVC cannot successfully treat.

But Klenner did not win a popularity contest with his colleagues. He wrote in frustration that "Some physicians would stand by and see their patient die rather than use ascorbic acid because in their finite minds it exists only as a vitamin."

Since that time closed medical minds have resulted in thousands of deaths from coronavirus and other diseases in Canada and worldwide. Because of a misconception that vitamin C is just another vitamin. But there is proof that vitamin C is a potent anti-infective nutrient that attacks both viral and bacterial diseases.

Infection triggers a severe inflammatory cellular reaction in the body which results in a decrease in vitamin C. It's like being caught in a snow storm on a lonely road and running out of gas. But in this case white blood cells need C to fight the infection. And if you have not been taking C on a regular basis, your white blood cells without C are like a gun without bullets.

Many people do not realize that nearly all animals make their own vitamin C. Humans lost this ability eons ago due to a genetic mutation. For instance, dogs produce 5,000 milligrams (mgs) daily. Health Canada maintains humans need only 90 mgs. But if a dog gets an infection, it will automatically produce up to 20,000 mgs daily!

During the coronavirus pandemic I've listened to Medical Officers of Health, TV anchors, politicians and medical experts all discuss the importance of distancing and frequent hand washing. But I have only heard one discuss the advantages of vitamin C and D in building up the body's immunity. [5] And I have not heard any explain how the use of high doses of IVC could save lives.

Dr. Lendon H. Smith outlined the clinical experiences of Frederick Klenner in "Clinical Guide to the Use of Vitamin C". It contains a wealth of information on how vitamin C treats many diverse diseases. And how prescribing insufficient amounts of vitamin C can lead to failure in therapy. This medical information is available for all to read. [6]

I've have written before that if a family member died due to coronavirus infection and doctors and hospital refused to use IVC, I would contest this situation in a court of law. I believe I would win because historical evidence is so overwhelming that large doses of C save lives.

The hypocrisy surrounding vitamin C is mind boggling. Dr, Linus Pauling complained, "The medical community requires rigorous evidence supporting vitamin C, but accepts flimsy evidence against it." Little has changed since I interviewed Pauling. This deficit is evidently caused by the minds of medical professionals refusing to accept scientific fact. And we will never know the number of needless deaths this has caused during the pandemic.

A year ago, as a journalist, I was invited to be a member of the Orthomolecular Medical News Service.   It's international editorial board is composed of distinguished physicians, professors, and researchers. Several months ago I asked all members how they would treat several viral infections. The overwhelming response was "high dose intravenous vitamin C." OMNS has published twenty-two physician case reports of success with IVC. [7]

Since February, researchers in China have been conducting double-blind studies on IVC. This means one group will receive IVC and a control group will get a placebo. Some studies have already been completed, and the results show that IVC saves more lives than placebo. [8]

"Dr. Enqiang Mao, chief of emergency medicine at Ruijin Hospital, Shanghai, stated that his group treated ~50 moderate to severe cases of COVID-19 infection with high dose intravenous vitamin C. "The IVC dosing was for 7-10 days, with 10,000 mg for moderate cases and 20,000 mg for more severe cases. "All patients who received intravenous vitamin C improved, and there was no mortality." "There were no side effects reported from any of the cases treated with high dose IVC." (Richard Cheng, MD, PhD, reporting from Shanghai) http://orthomolecular.org/resources/omns/v16n12.shtml

But even in one of these recent laudable studies, there was a flaw. According to the report, all patients received a certain dose for moderate infection while others a higher dose for a more severe one. But patients who died had not received the higher dose. [9]

This reflects everything that Dr. Linus Pauling and Dr. Frederick Klenner stressed. As Pauling told his critics, "It's the dosage!" Or, as Klenner claimed, "Some infections require a much larger dose." As we all know, half an aspirin will not cure a migraine headache.

But there is more disturbing news. Chinese researchers are experiencing trouble getting their findings published. Contacts also tell me that doctors who use IVC in North America are being harassed by authorities. In some case, being told that if they persist they will lose their license to practice medicine.  

To get an update on what was happening in some parts of Canada and the U.S I contacted several infectious disease specialists, Medical Officers of Health (MOH), and university hospitals, asking a simple question. "Do you prescribe intravenous vitamin C or know of anyone who does to treat coronavirus infection? And if terminal patients are not receiving IVC, why is this the case"?

It proved to be a time-consuming assignment. Many replied they would get back to me but failed to do so. I could only conclude they were not using IVC and did not want anyone to know about it.

Or they responded, "We have checked with our infectious disease specialist and confirm that high dose C is not being used to treat coronavirus infection."

What was shocking is that not a single Medical Officer of Health replied that IVC was being prescribed to those dying from coronavirus infection.

Another surprise was the reaction of Johns Hopkins one of the great hospitals of the world. Its distinguished professors were the first to introduce the value of bedside teaching for students. During this pandemic they were considered the authority in reporting the number of coronavirus deaths. So, I was shocked to receive this response, "We are not conducting clinical trials or administering C as a treatment for COVID 19." And even Harvard Medical School where I spent so many years as a student and later training as a surgeon, never replied to me.

What is going to happen?  It's that the Chinese study will likely fail to end the controversy and patients will continue to die needlessly of this virus. I was hoping that one infectious expert, or Medical Officer of Health, would possess the intellectual curiosity to ask, "I wonder if high does IVC could save lives?" It's tragic this has not occurred. Some would label this as medical ignorance, others as malpractice, or if a loved one has died as murder, and finally a court of law looking all the facts decide it's been mass murder.

So, we have a unique situation. It's been said that war is far too important to be left to generals. Due to the economic chaos caused by coronavirus this disaster may be much too important to be left to medical experts when so many North Americans have suffered.

It's time for the government to demand that our medical schools conduct a study of IVC. There is no shortage of patients. We have the scientific talent in our universities. Vitamin C is inexpensive and will virtually never cause complications. Vitamin C has never killed anyone. Besides, this study could be done in a short time and not require thousands of patients.

Who will grasp the moment and save countless lives?

(Syndicated columnist W. Gifford-Jones, MD, (also known as Kenneth Walker, MD) graduated from Harvard Medical School in 1950. He did surgical residencies at McGill University, the University of Rochester, and Harvard Medical School. Still an activist, his website is http://www.docgiff.com.)

To learn more: Several dozen articles related to vitamin therapy for COVID are posted for free access at http://orthomolecular.org/resources/omns/index.shtml . Many are available in French, Spanish, German, Arabic, Italian, Korean, Chinese, and Norwegian. Japanese translations may be found at https://isom-japan.org/top_after .

[rowanfoster]

{ odeya rush ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥