#obviously sometimes we fight but ultimately were all friends/love each other

[caprisunandmoon]

🧚🏼‍♀️analyzing my synastry with my ex-coworkers - part one

because what else is there to do after quitting a job you had for 4 years?? 🤪

Coworker #1

[lowkey was my favorite, felt the most comfortable with him & we had kind of a father-daughter relationship; we would spend a lot of time talking or joking around at work, he would buy me food/little snacks and drive me where i needed to go (i was the ultimate passenger princess with him lmaooo) + he even helped me with stuff outside of work like changing my tire when I had a flat 🥹🫶🏽]

My Ascendant conjunct his Sun/Mercury/Saturn (but with his sun/mercury falling into my 12th) - At first, we didn’t really click that much; we were friendly to each other but not that close in the beginning… he’d always try to joke around with me and I’d be like 🤨🤨🤨 idk man I don’t know you that well yet LOL. This was probably from so many of his planets falling into my 12th house (his venus was also in my 12h), so I simply ✨didn’t notice✨ him that much at first, but over the course of me working there and being around him more, we became inseparable. We loved to talk and just be in each other’s company. Lots of admiration for each other. And perhaps Saturn here is what contributed to the fatherly vibes lol

My Sun square his Moon - Any time I read descriptions about this aspect online, it talks about how the two will end up fighting and nagging, finding the other person annoying, etc and I’m over here like 🧍🏻‍♀️…. never had that issue with this aspect… I also have this aspect with my bestest friend in the world and we’ve never had even one fight lmao. So I’m not really sure how to describe this aspect honestly, but I guess I would consider it “binding” as it contributes to a deep connection between people

Moon square Moon - Again, this is an aspect often described as leading to fights, fundamental emotional incompatibility, etc but I never noticed this with him 🤔 We were actually able to talk about and express our emotions with ease. Obviously, we were only friends at work so perhaps if we got to know each other more, this square would have become more apparent, but ??? We have other really good aspects to the moon, so maybe that’s what helped neutralize this.

Mars trine Sun double whammy - I think this contributed to the general sense of “liking” each other. Also, we were always really supportive of each other and he was easy for me to work with.

His Mars trine my Moon - He was definitely very protective of me and tried to take care of me as much as possible. Any time I was feeling down, he would always notice and try to make me feel better <3

My Mars conjunct his Moon - I cared a lot for him but also thought he was a lil too sensitive sometimes haha; it never caused any conflict between us though (perhaps since this is a conjunction in Libra, so we were more focused on keeping the peace). And I was protective of him in the sense that I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate any other coworkers badmouthing him in my presence 🔪

My Mars trine his Mercury - The way I visualize aspects between mars-mercury in synastry is the “walk and talk” aspect between two people, like those two people who just like to walk around or do something while they talk to each other & this was very much us 🥰 people eventually stopped asking “where are you guys going” bc they soon realized the two of us would literally just walk around for the sake of walking around, no destination just vibes lmao

Venus conjunct Venus - Having the same tastes, likes, mannerisms, etc. top tier aspect imo 🫶🏽 and since it was a conjunction in aqua, we had a great intellectual connection above all, best friend/partner in crime vibes 🌚

My Venus trine his Moon - I LOVE when my Venus makes aspects to people’s moons, for me it’s literally the best for any relationship, platonic or romantic. In my natal, I have a cap moon square saturn & mars at 0-1 degrees (yes I’m extremely traumatized thank you for asking 🤩), so I’ve always struggled with my own emotion management and tend to get annoyed by most people’s expression of their emotions (I’m working on being better about this smh) but whenever my venus aspects someone’s moon, this isn’t the case, like I genuinely wanna hear about how they’re feeling and if there’s anything I can do to make them feel better if they’re down 🥰

His Jupiter trine my Mercury - He genuinely found my jokes funny, which I really appreciate as a Capricorn mercury bc our dry-ass humor isn’t understood by most 😃 Also we never ran out of things to talk about

His Jupiter square my Venus - Although this is a square, I think the only “problem” that comes out of this is excess aka I think he was excessively generous with me sometimes 🤪 ...definitely not the worst problem to have, at least not on my end lol

My Mercury trine his Uranus - Very intellectual conversations, it was always fun talking to him because we’d end up chatting about the most random subjects

My Mercury trine his Pluto - He simply had this way of getting me to open up and talk about deeper topics with ease, something I usually find difficult to do with people I don’t know well 🤔

Coworker #2

[I ended up having an on-off situationship with this coworker for about a year; the most physical attraction I’ve ever felt for a man LMAO but also definitely the most obsessive and toxic situation of my life (so far 🤪) + we had to keep everything a secret since relationships weren’t allowed between coworkers.. yeah long story short he traumatized me in many ways lmaooo]

His Mars trine my Venus - The main (and perhaps only) source of our attraction to each other hahaha, I love this aspect because it gives genuine physical chemistry + that feeling of butterflies but honestly it can also make you blind to overall emotional incompatibilities but ohwellyouliveyoulearniguess 🫠

Mercury square Moon double whammy - On a day-to-day level, this definitely made connection and communication difficult, even downright impossible sometimes, but also somehow added to the ✨spice✨ idk there’s just something kind of sweet about not understanding each other on an emotional level but still wanting to make that effort to connect 🤷🏻‍♀️ overall, as frustrating/irritating as this got sometimes, I appreciate that it made me aware of how differently other people can process their emotions

His Mercury square my Sun - We definitely had different points of view on so many things and sometimes I’d be a lil defensive with him but I generally try not to be led by my ego so this wasn’t too big of an issue overall (for me at least)

My Mercury square his Jupiter - Lots of laughs. Since it’s a square, sometimes an excess of joking around or joking around in situations that should have been serious like work meetings but oh well 🤙🏼🤪🤙🏼

My Venus sextile his Moon - Like I said above, I LOVE WHEN MY VENUS ASPECTS PEOPLE’S MOONS!!! The sextile is less easygoing than the trine, I definitely had to make more of an effort here, but still a sweet aspect nonetheless 🥰 And I think perhaps this is one reason why the Mercury square Moon didn’t hit as hard

My Venus sextile his Jupiter - Venus/Jupiter aspects are one of my favoritesssss and I think it was a major reason why I got so attached 🫠 Venus/Jupiter is such a nice aspect, it’s truly one aspect I wish for everyone to experience at least once in their lives, you just feel so lighthearted around each other and the energy is so warm, my fave is the trine but the sextile is also quite nice

My Venus sextile his Saturn - With Venus/Saturn in general, I think Saturn has the “upper hand” and ultimately gets to decide if the relationship will last. I knew from the start I wanted commitment and something serious, unfortunately he didn’t end up feeling the same way 😃 And overall I felt quite dependent on him, like he was a source of stability for me

My Mars opposite his Moon - I don’t know how tight this aspect was since I don’t know his time of birth but I definitely thought he was way too f*cking sensitive sometimes LMAOO as much as I cared about him & felt intensely for him, sometimes I’d be like 🙄🙄 by his reactions to things, overall he was easily triggered by my actions and I’d get triggered by his reactions

My Mars opposite his Mercury - Leads to a lot of bickering if not careful. I think it’s important to channel this energy into healthy debates etc otherwise it spills over into the day-to-day, causing bickering, arguments etc. If we kept the debating to work topics, we were fine, but anything outside of that was dangerous territory. Often best to just agree to disagree here. As a Libra mars, I’m not prone to arguments but his Aries mercury certainly tried to goad me into more than a few fights (and succeeded at times lol)

My Mars sextile his Uranus (0 degrees) + His Uranus trine my Mars - Absolute freaks in bed with each other LMAOOO absolutely nothing was off-limits and I’d never felt more comfortable, including being open to doing things I’d never done before. And, in general/day-to-day, we were comfortable being “weirdos” together and showing our more “quirky” sides (yes I indeed cringed while writing that last sentence)

My Saturn conjunct his Moon - On my end, I’m not sure if I felt this energy much, but natally I have a cap stellium and lots of Saturn aspects so this is like second nature to me. If I had to guess, I would say it probably felt oppressive for him as an Aries stellium with mostly trines in his natal 😃

My Neptune square his Sun - Sigh. I definitely felt like he was idealizing me and seeing me as someone I wasn’t and the more he got to know me and began to realize the fantasies weren’t true, the more I think he felt disillusioned and not as interested, which was heartbreaking for me to see, esp since I never intentionally tried to deceive him or act like someone I’m not 🫠

My Neptune sextile his Venus - Again, not seeing the other for who they really are, lots of idealizing. Even though the sextile is supposed to be an “easy” aspect, I don’t think anything involving Neptune in synastry is really that easy unfortunately

My Pluto trine his Venus - Yeah, as more time passes and I look back on our relationship, I can confidently say it was obsession and not love. I felt consumed by him and like our situation was taking over my life, constant fears that he would leave, typical Pluto/Venus lol… And I think as Pluto I was more attached to him than he was to me.

My Pluto opposite his Mars - Whewwww the sexual chemistry here was 😮‍💨😮‍💨 But outside of the bedroom, lots of power struggles. He constantly accused me of trying to control him, perhaps I was without realizing it, but in any case, the constant back and forth became too much to bear. We were both equally jealous/possessive. I felt like I could never fully relax throughout the entirety of our relationship.

[pimpedoutgreenears]

I haven’t actively stayed up to date with My Hero since, like, volume 19, but hearing that it’s coming to an end has me thinking about fic ideas that I never ended up writing. And I know I technically still could write them (fandom doesn’t end when the source material does!), but I also know that I probably won’t, especially ones that would involve probably rewriting how canon ended.

But that said, I still wanted to talk about my favorite bkdk fic that I’ll never write.

So, the start has a villain whose quirk is sending people into alternate dimensions. Deku and Bakugo end up fighting her and getting sent to an alternate dimension. The time period is kind of up for interpretation, but it’s obviously pre-final showdown but after Bakugo’s apology.

At first, things seem mostly the same, but they quickly find out there are a bunch of major differences which stem from one difference from their universe: AU!Izuku has his dad’s quirk.

He can breathe fire and is super powerful with it. He and AU!Bakugo are also dating and attached at the hip. They’re constantly pushing each other and talking about being the ultimate hero duo.

Seeing it is super hard for Deku, who is basically lamenting about how easy things could have been,

Meanwhile, Bakugo can’t stand these versions of them, and he keeps getting more and more pissed that Izuku seems to envy them because he doesn’t think they’re good people.

When they first meet their alternate selves, they’re kind of working together to get sent back home, but they’re also keeping a low profile. They realize that AU!Izuku never got OFA, so they want to keep that a secret. That said, they also find out that AFO has already been defeated by Mirio and some other heroes.

It’s a hard thing to take because Deku starts thinking about how him getting OFA ended up with an ongoing conflict.

However, they find out other things. For example, Ida got killed when he went after Stain.

In this universe, Deku never made friends with Ida and had a different internship, so he was never able to pitch in. He and Todoroki never becoming friends also led to him choosing a different agency to intern at.

As they explore more, they realize that their alternate selves aren’t friends with anyone in class. They both kind of have Bakugo’s old attitude that they’re the best and no one else can reach them. Even though AU!Izuku sometimes says things that are reminiscent of things our Deku would say, it’s obvious that he’s very different.

They end up having to fight their alternate selves for reasons (I never locked down why), and they’re losing badly. To protect the secret of OFA, Izuku pretended he inherited his mom’s quirk by only using float, so it’s the only thing he’s using.

The alternate versions of themselves fight together flawlessly. AU!Izuku uses his quirk to keep AU!Bakugo sweating, and they have obviously practiced fighting together.

Bakugo sees Izuku starting to give up and finally loses it and just starts screaming at him. He’s asking, “Is that who you want to be? Do you really wish we were them?” He then starts yelling at alternative them. He asks AU!Izuku, “Do you even realize that he doesn’t love you? He hasn’t learned how yet! If you got hurt or lost your quirk, he wouldn’t even be able to look at you! He’s too busy having his head shoved up his ass!” Then he turns on AU!Bakugo and really loses it. “You’re so full of yourself! The world doesn’t revolve around you! You aren’t the best hero yet! Hell, the way you are now, you never will be! You’re a spoiled brat who’s never learned any humility! You don’t even understand why heroes are important! All you care about is your own ego! You’ll never be worth anything until you learn to see the value in others!”

He then turns back to Izuku, almost whispering, “Have you even paid attention to their news? The crime rate is up. There are new threats every day. They got the villain, but they didn’t stop the problem.”

Izuku realizes what he means. They have a chance to do better. Their war might be taking longer, but they have a chance to end it better.

They have a chance to be better versions of themselves.

They manage to defeat their alternate versions just in time to get sent back home.

After they’re back and did their report of what happened they’re able to talk.

Izuku tells him that he’s glad they aren’t like those two. Kacchan saw what he didn’t. He was jealous of how easy their relationship was, but he hadn’t really thought about what they’d gained from all the strain.

Bakugo apologizes to him as well. He says he’s sorry that no matter what universe he’s in, he makes life worse for Izuki (bullying in theirs, and making AU!Izuku an egomaniac).

Izuki tells him it doesn’t change that he loves him no matter what universe they’re in.

Bakugo tells him he shouldn’t, but Izuku says there’s nothing he can do to make him stop and he should know that by now. He then tells Kacchan that instead of fighting him about it, he should just keep bettering himself. If he doesn’t think Izuku should love him now, then become someone that he should.

Kacchan doesn’t think he deserves Izuku’s love, but he had already planned on spending the rest of his life atoning for how he treated Izuku, so they’re at least on the same page there.

It ends with Izuku telling Bakugo to let him know when he’s ready to actually receive his love, it’ll be waiting for him when he is. Until then, they can just keep pushing each other to be better.

Bakugo doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready, but he’ll never stop trying.

So, they end knowing each other’s feelings and understanding each other better. They also have the possibility of a future together.

So, yeah, that's my favorite mha fic that I never wrote. If something like it already exists, please feel free to link me to it!

[ashtraythief]

I had a friend that said Sam can live without Dean, but Dean could never live without Sam. Basically also saying that Dean loves Sam more (obviously they both love each other.) do you agree??? Hope ur doing well!

I'm muddling through, anon, hope you're doing okay too!

I think I answered this question a while ago for someone else probably, but to sum it up, I do agree that if Sam was the one to die in the barn (it has to be the barn here, right, because we do know that in earlier seasons, Dean did manage to live without Sam), Dean wouldn't handle it well and probably drink so much and take so many risks, he would get himself killed on a hunt and he'd very consciously do that. He'd never kill himself, but he'd find a way to go out in a blaze of glory very quickly. But I don't at all think that that means Dean loves Sam more than Sam loves him. I just think it shows that they're built differently, that they can find happiness in different things and that grief affects every person differently. And love is a difficult thing to quantify anyway because every person expresses their love differently. There's no one way to love someone.

Over the course of the show we've seen Sam and Dean react to losing each other differently and sometimes quite similarly. Especially in the beginning, there was always an issue of letting the other die/be dead and both of them were willing to cross all sorts of lines to save the other (selling their souls, Sam's whole Doc Brenton idea, etc). Later on, there were points when both accepted the loss and tried to move on with limited amounts of success. (You could argue that Dean had a good life with Lisa and Ben, but by his own admission he was drunk a lot and it wasn't what he wanted. Don't even talk to me about Amelia.)

At the end of supernatural, when they've basically been living in domestic bliss with each other for years and got their happily ever after after 15.19 it's a whole different beast. They keep hunting together, because that is their happily ever after. And I don't think Dean would want to go without that anymore. Especially with the promise of seeing Sam again in heaven (I'm not a fan of the surety of heaven, but I guess we gotta work with the canon we got).

Sam is just built differently. You could argue that Sam always had the dream of a non-hunting life, whether that was because he wanted to escape and needed an alternative, whether he wanted to actively fight the demon blood darkness inside of him when he could already feel it as a teenager, or whether it's because he truly wanted to be a lawyer with a white picket fence. (You could also argue that Sam actually loved Dean more, because instead of following him right behind, he was willing to take the years of painful life without him just because Dean told him to go live, but I don't think that's a good argument, or correct.)

But Sam and Dean have been so different from the start, so they love and live differently. I don't think one of them loves the other "more" (there's also often a fandom argument in there of who loves "better", ergo is the better character that I have no interest in engaging in because that's not what I'm here for (and I'm not saying you or your friend are doing that, nonnie, it's just a general observation)), Sam and Dean are just very different characters.

I think, ultimately, Sam and Dean love each other more than most people love someone. The true fantastical and horrific element of supernatural wasn't the monsters, but Sam and Dean's all-encompassing and in parts destructive relationship. That's, I think, what makes the show so fascinating for so many people and that's certainly what I loved about it.

[meltotheany]

Goodreads | Amazon US | B&N | Blackwell’s | Bookshop 1.) Throne of Glass ★★ 2.) Crown of Midnight ★★★★ [2024 reread] ★★★ this is an anthology, short story collection, of five tales set prior to the events in throne of glass. they are told in chronological order, with each one building off the previous one, and ultimately showing us how celaena ended up in the salt mines when we meet her for the very first time. we also get introduced to a lot of characters who we will meet in this universe, with some backstory on how celaena met them for the very first time. ultimately, i did enjoy this, and i truly just enjoy the project of this – i wish more authors would give me short stories set in worlds, with characters, that i already am established with and love. yet, i don’t think they add too much to the throne of glass world. sometimes it felt like they were really just showcasing how celaena is a good person and sjm really, really just wants the reader to know that, but i still had a fun time reading these. i do think they add to the overall series, and i do recommend you read these, but the enjoyment is for sure going to vary from reader to reader – more than most reading experiences, i feel. down below i break down each short story in this anthology, give them individual star ratings, and list their trigger and content warnings! (my favorite being the assassin and the healer, because i am a yrene fangirl, and my least favorite probably being the assassin and the underworld, because celaena was just being too annoying in it for me lol.) ━━♡ 0.1) The Assassin and the Pirate Lord ★★★ this first short story starts off in an assassin’s guild, two years before the events of tog, and where an emergency meeting is being held by the king of assassins himself, arobynn. someone is murdering assassins, and celaena and sam are tasked with a mission to go to skulls bay, have a meeting with the pirate lord, and give him a sealed letter from arobynn himself. yet, when they get to skulls bay, they realize there is a much more heartbreaking situation going on, and sam and celaena decide to do something about it all on their own, regardless of the costs. i really liked seeing sam and celaena start to get to know each other, and start to figure out the people they want to be together, too. i also loved seeing the skulls bay setting, and why the location is the way it is currently in the book series, because of the actions in this novella. i wont lie, this read a little too white savior in 2024, but i still enjoyed reading this opener in this anthology collection, and it setting the tone for what is to come. tw/cw: death, loss of a friend, grief, slavery, human trafficking (with an emphasis on children, as well), captivity, fighting/battle, explosions, violence, blood ━━♡ 0.2) The Assassin and the Healer ★★★★ please know i am truly screaming at my 2016 review for this short story because i was fully like “this is filler, who is this girl?” lol. oh sweet summer, me shipping celaena and chaol, so hard i didn’t see the dots were dotting right before my eyes, child. this short story takes place obviously after the first, but we get to see how arobynn punished celaena for her actions in skulls bay, and continuing to punish her by sending her to train in the red desert. but while she is waiting for her boat, she is staying at an inn where she helps a worker. And that worker? ends up playing a very big role in the rest of the series. yrene towers is a healer, stuck in a small port town, while hiding her magic that is now outlawed. this story switches povs between the two women, and it was just really heartwarming. i really do love yrene, and just seeing her really want to master her gift that was passed down from all the women in her family at a healer academy, and just really want to heal and make the world a better place – it just gave me all the feels. i for sure appreciated this novella more in 2024. tw/cw: extreme physical abuse in past, abusive relations...

[asking-jude]

Eyy just stumbled across this blog

Im kind of really having a hard time right now and it’s doing a number on me since it’s pretty much entirely my own fault that situation happened

Im in a relationship and love and care for my boyfriend dearly, yet I’m also in love with my best friend. And I know I’ll be judged harshly for that, rightfully so… but I really just need advice on what to do.

We were friends for years and there were no romantic undertones. But we’ve been sent on a four month work trip abroad together a few months ago. I didn’t see my bf that whole time, I didn’t know anyone but my best friend where we were and we pretty much saw eachother every single day. In the end we came too close and eventually both admitted we had developed feelings.

Though the story doesn’t end there unfortunately. He wants to be a priest and ultimately decided even if I left my partner there couldn’t be more between us. I was kind of relieved he made that decision for me because I genuinely love both and having to choose one over the other would’ve been extremely hurtful.

Even though we decided it shouldn’t lead anywhere we ultimately became intimate and that’s where the problems really started. Obviously we both felt extremely guilty about it, it was a back and forth for a while, changing initiator basically on a daily basis breaking our word over and over again.

Now recently we had a big fight over the whole situation. I told him I didn’t want the back and forth anymore but he insisted he wanted to stay friends, just without the intimacy. He said that multiple times before though and then still initiated it again, though sometimes it was me too. I lashed out and told him right, either we commit to being shit people and continue being intimate (he’ll be gone in a year anyways to start his novitiate) or we just don’t meet anymore at all, since it’s been proven time and time again if we do see each other we can’t let it be (though that’s not really an option since we work together, on the same project even so really not seeing each other would require me to quit my job)…

It basically continued to escalate like that, him accusing me of making him choose between me and god and me accusing him of using me when he’s horny but seeing me only as an evil temptation instead of a friend, being a hypocrite and twisting his morals and beliefs to his needs. In the end he said he doesn’t want that discussion anymore and if I don’t want to be friends anymore so be it, I said that’s not what I wanted but what are we supposed to do if we can’t keep it from happening…

I wrote him a message the next day apologizing for the ultimatum and agreeing that one doesn’t learn self control by just avoiding challenging situations and that I’d be okay to try again and call each other out when one tries to initiate.

He wasn’t having it though and told me he doesn’t have time for that shit anymore… we’ll see each other again at work in a few days and haven’t talked since the fight.

I feel like I’m the most horribly disgusting person on the planet. I hurt my friend who was there in the most difficult times for me. I betrayed my boyfriend who is the most loving and caring partner I could think of. All because I’m an impulsive slut. I don’t know what to do, I’m haunted by nightmares. I thought about telling my boyfriend the whole thing but I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt him. Im in a spiral of self hatred thinking it would probably be best for all of I just fucked off to nowhere or killed myself. So yea any input would be greatly appreciated :(

Hey there,

I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us. I want to say that I understand how hard this must be for you to deal with. Romantic feelings are tricky and intense, especially when they develop unexpectedly. It’s understandable that your conflicting romantic feelings are causing you so much stress. It’s not unusual for people to go through something like this, especially when put in very vulnerable and intimate situations with other people. 

Before I dive into your ask, I just want to say that if you're have any thoughts of suicide. Please, call your country's suicide hot-line or simply the emergency services. Here's a list of suicide hot-lines for every country: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/.

I see that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt and shame, so before anything, I want to let you know that you don’t have to feel like these thoughts are your fault; it’s not always easy to control our attraction for other people. I also want to tell you that you are not a “disgusting person” or an “impulsive slut." You made a mistake, but that doesn't define who you are as a person. It’s possible to learn from these mistakes and make amends with the people you may feel you’ve wronged.

The first steps in doing this are to acknowledge what has happened and take accountability for the role you played. Being truthful and honest with yourself is crucial in moving forward and finding a resolution that works for you. It's not easy to admit when we've made a mistake, but it's an important step toward making things right. 

If you’re interested, this article and video may help you work on taking accountability in any situation: https://tinyurl.com/mu77bfxx. 

Taking responsibility for your actions and communicating openly about how your intentions were never meant to hurt anyone can help to rebuild trust and repair any damage done. Regarding your boyfriend, telling him about what happened is ultimately up to you. You may be feeling like telling your boyfriend will just hurt him and only cause more pain for the two of you. I want to let you know that while we can’t predict how he’ll respond, being honest with your partner shows him that you are willing to be accountable for your mistakes.

You mentioned that you enjoy being in this relationship, so I would urge you to first consider whether or not you want this relationship to continue. Spend some time alone and think about what you want in a relationship. Can you imagine a future with your boyfriend that you would be happy with regardless of the decision you make about telling him? Do you think not telling him is fair to him? Weigh the potential consequences and decide what is best for you and your relationship. 

It's natural to feel lost and unsure of what to do next. These articles are meant to offer some help to those in situations like yours: https://tinyurl.com/bdv3yykt; https://tinyurl.com/5brvc82c. 

If you do decide to tell your boyfriend, it is important to be honest and direct. Choose a time and place where you can have an honest and private conversation. Be prepared for his reaction, and give him space to process his feelings. Try not to anticipate his response as this will only cause you more stress and may make you want to procrastinate telling him even more. Telling him may allow you to move forward with the relationship, but most importantly, you’ll gain a lot more peace of mind. 

Communication is a key aspect of any healthy relationship, but it's not always easy to do effectively. If you find yourself needing help with communicating, these articles may provide you with some guidance: https://tinyurl.com/bded43sp; https://tinyurl.com/4us49v8r.

As for you and your friend, it definitely sounds like a very difficult situation that you both have found yourselves in. It's understandable that you have developed feelings for each other after spending so much time together, but it's important to consider the impact of continuing any type of relationship with him. It sounds like he has made his decision about his path in life, and it's important to respect that aspect of this situation. It’s great that you’re seeing a silver lining in his religious journey of “making the decision," but remember that you always have a choice about what you want and need in your own life and relationships. He seems to be responding to your attempts to communicate in a way that comes off as dismissive and mean. Most likely,  he is just as conflicted by this situation as you are, but you deserve a friend who can communicate with you respectfully and compassionately. While it's natural for emotions to run high in a situation like this, it's not okay for him to treat you in a way that makes you feel so guilty. Know that the responsibility falls equally on him, as well, and you deserve someone who can work through this with you. Consider whether or not this is someone worth maintaining a relationship with. If you decide to maintain the friendship, consider having a conversation with him about how his behavior has made you feel and setting boundaries for how you want to be treated.

This article provides useful signs to consider when deciding whether to be friends with someone you’ve been in a romantic relationship with: https://tinyurl.com/2p8dydbm. 

This post also offers some very important signs it may be time to end a relationship/friendship with someone: https://socialself.com/blog/when-stop-being-friends/. 

I can only imagine how you must feel to have to work with your friend. I understand that quitting your job may not be an option for you. In this case, you may need to find ways to cope with the situation at work and maintain professional boundaries with him. This could involve minimizing your interactions with him outside of your project and being clear about your expectations for how you want to be treated in the workplace. Do you two work on this project alone or are there other colleagues involved? Reaching out to other coworkers and collaborating with them on the project could help to limit your interactions with him. Do you know when exactly in his future he’d like to start his new career path? If this is something you don’t think you can handle, it may be helpful to review your job’s policies and HR resources if you are feeling uncomfortable in any way. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health in this situation. 

Dealing with such a complex situation can be hard, especially in the workplace. Fortunately, there are resources to help navigate through these situations. These articles offer strategies for dealing with difficult emotions and personal relationships at work: https://tinyurl.com/5n6t75mr; https://www.mindtools.com/amqbd0e/managing-your-emotions-at-work 

If you can, try seeking support from a trusted friend or counselor, as well. This can help to process your feelings about this situation and develop coping strategies. If this is something you’d be interested in, these are great resources for finding therapists in your area: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/couples-counseling; https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Don’t forget we’re always here to help, as well; if you ever need more help, don’t hesitate to reach out again! Asking Jude also provides pay-what-you-want, remote peer counseling; to find out more, e-mail jude@askingjude.org.

I hope I was able to help you out a little more. Always be kind to yourself and remember to take your time before making any important decisions. 

Take care of yourself,

Mikayla

[swanwinged-princess]

ANYWAY

i’m finally done w high school... forever.... picked up my diploma 2day and returned the borrowed cap+gown and thats it. like i dont have to go back.

SO i’ll probs start to be a little more active for a while- i was stressed the FUCK out recently bc my mom pressured me into participating in the graduation ceremony bc her mom (my grandma) was kicking up a fuss that i didn’t wanna walk across the stupid stage

like i’m mad and upset and also all out of fucks to give at the same time but my grandma is a manipulative/exhausting/stressful-ass woman to interact with and my mom basically made me do it to stop grandma from crying at her about it

and then the whole thing made ME super stressed and mad because i was doing this thing that i ABSOLUTELY DIDN’T WANT TO DO because of my grandparents who have been absolutely draining/an active problem in my life for YEARS and i was too anxious + upset to even go to my town’s pride day which was a really fuckin big thing for me 

and i was basically crying in the lobby of the convention center where all the graduates were waiting to get through the metal detectors bc pride was still happening literally across the river and in the park and i could have just dropped my cap and gown and ditched and run across the bridge to join pride and like... 

i COULDVE because i’m a fucking adult and i can make my own choices and decide what’s important for myself but also i knew that my mom and my grandparents wouldve made my life a living HELL if i did that even if my dad and brother would have been on my side 

bc my mom is still seeking her mom’s approval even though the woman is almost definitely a literal narcissist and can’t even seem to make up her mind about what would win her approval in the first place, and even though the past several years have been all about me getting more independent and deciding what to do with my own life and making my own choices and all that crap i have to knowingly fuck up my own life and what’s important to me because my fucking grandparents wanted to see me wearing a disposable tablecloth-material rectangle on my head and body and receive an empty photo holder from a woman i’ve never met who was actively crying and even actually tried to hug me 

(i saw her moving in and immediately stepped back; my dad said it was hilarious to watch so like... thats one good thing i guess...) 

instead of going out and celebrating the fact that i’m a girl who loves girls and remembering all the people like me and who supported people like me who sacrificed so much to get us to the point where i can dress up in ridiculous frilly outfits and go out and celebrate being a girl-loving girl, and i have to give that up because they’re old and lowkey dying like... cool. tight. 

i hate to sound insensitive but i honestly find both of them really damn toxic and i just feel like bowing to their demands (or manipulative whiny bullshit) regardless of the circumstances is just weaving me and my whole family (especially my mom) deeper into their web of crazy and 

i’m honestly kinda fucking worried about my mom and her relationship with my grandma. i know that having a narcissistic mom can do a number on kids and my mom is so fucking strong and cool and awesome and i think she can do so much and already HAS done so much 

but when it comes to her mom she has this attitude where she’s like ‘i don’t care about what she thinks, i think she’s crazy and exhausting and i live my life how i want’ 

but i can tell that she really DOES care what she thinks. especially when it comes to what grandma thinks about me and my brothers’ lives/upbringings/etc. 

...idk i really just don’t think it’s healthy for her or anybody to do what they want 

i know they’re old and my grandma’s health is deteriorating rapidly and i know they’re my mom’s parents but.... 

maybe because i’m a level removed from the situation i feel like i can see what my mom can’t/doesn’t want to see and i have no tolerance for their bee-ess anymore

...the point is i’m gonna try to be a lil more active now; i can feel my muse juuuust barely starting to bud again after the long period where all my energy was channeled into just. pure survival of the end of public education and all the running around and nonsense that that entailed

[hylaversicolor]

i have so much to talk about

but let’s start with this line from edo hashirama (in the present) describing the aftermath of the fallout between him and madara: “he decided to completely erase his friend, to erase me from his life.”

this shows so much about hashirama, namely: he does not fully understand madara’s predicament at this point in time. right now the number one thing keeping hashirama going is the future village that he and madara have committed to building, for the simple fact that he and madara are doing it together. he doesn’t understand how madara could choose izuna over this dream he had thought they shared, because in hashirama’s mind, the village is a win for everybody, izuna included. this is something i love about hashirama: he’s determined to a fault, and once he gets his mind set on something, regardless of his circumstances or surroundings, he will pursue it. this is not necessarily a good thing either. just look at his outburst during kawarama’s funeral. butsuma was wrong to hit him obviously, but he was technically out of line, shouting and making a scene during a difficult moment. then the same thing happens when madara renounces his and hashirama’s friendship; hashirama makes one last plea to madara, saying stuff like “you haven’t really given up on our dream have you??” even though there’s no way madara will be able to respond; he’s got tajima breathing down his neck and izuna’s life on the line. the only option for madara in this situation is to make a swift retreat.

this “he decided to erase me from his life” is a misinterpretation of madara’s intentions. hashirama is hurt (they both are) but he doesn’t yet understand that regardless of whether or not madara was telling the truth when he said hashirama was stronger than him, by causing tajima to retreat, he saved their lives. he was able to take a three-against-three battle and disperse tajima’s and butsuma’s attention from his and hashirama’s younger siblings, ensuring that the next time they met in combat, tajima and butsuma would both have bigger things on their mind than taking out the other’s child. in addition, if you read the scene this way, this was also the first instance of madara sacrificing his own “”social standing”” to save people he cares about, a pattern of behavior that would ultimately culminate in the moon’s eye plan. madara is willing to be disliked or seen as the enemy to spare the lives of his loved ones. it took ending his friendship with hashirama, but he got izuna out of immediate danger. (for now.)

and then hashirama and madara pull their punches for 15+ years. just look at the difference in the way they fight before and after izuna dies. before izuna dies they’re almost casually exchanging blows; after he dies they’re practically launching nukes at each other, but put a pin in this and we’ll come back to it. unlike izuna and tobirama, who are aiming to kill,* just look at the way madara is wide open when he notices izuna getting hurt and rushes to him. hashirama doesn’t do a thing about it, in fact he even throws down his sword and makes it clear he has no intentions of fighting further. they were just going through the motions.

anyway now i NEED to talk about the most pivotal madara moment in the entire series. this goes way back to the stone skipping. the stones are not just stones, they are ideals, and hashirama effortlessly gets his stone across the river while it takes a few tries for madara to get the same result. all of naruto is just madara and hashirama (albeit behind the scenes sometimes) getting on and off the same page, over and over, understanding each other and then going long stretches where they have no idea what’s going on in the other’s head. they’re trying to complete each other’s dreams and complement each other’s worldview but they’re coming at it from two different directions. (more on this later)

anyway the stones are not just stones and we know this because they are the objects used to deflect butsuma and tajima’s killing blows. in a single instant hashirama and madara save their brothers’ lives and sacrifice their dreams for the future at the same time. but while hashirama immediately rebounds and has his aforementioned outburst, madara does not. he accepts defeat and decides that izuna and the village cannot coexist.  madara has created this dichotomy where hashirama has not. it’s either the village OR izuna; hashirama OR izuna. it can’t be both in his mind. hashirama and madara both have hangups. where hashirama gets single-minded and has tunnel vision about the village, madara does the same about izuna. and. and!! in the one moment where he has the opportunity to actually save izuna’s life, he chooses to honor izuna’s wishes and not give in to the senju’s demands; he chooses izuna’s honor over izuna’s well-being. and then he disappears from the battlefield and abandons the clan to the senju and basically makes the worst mistake of his life, all because he cares more about izuna than anything else in the world and cannot conceptualize the coexistence of his and hashirama’s dream and izuna’s life. madara has been selfless the whole time. every decision he makes is based on keeping izuna safe and alive, but there’s a contradictory selfishness to it (ok selfishness isn’t the right word, it’s not really selfishness as much as it’s selflessness as a way of deflecting guilt and blame), because madara has self-worth issues stemming from the loss of his other brothers and if he loses his last brother he has nothing left to live for. madara is TERRIFIED. he has to save izuna because if he doesn’t, he is worthless.

ok now it’s time for the pin from before. after izuna dies madara is the one launching nukes. hashirama’s strategy is all about de-escalation. this is the first time madara has actually gone all out against him. he’s got the susanoo, he’s shouting, he is angry and grieving and he doesn’t care who he hurts. uchiha, senju, clans are meaningless now that izuna is dead. but hashirama tries to put him to sleep with the pollen and continues trying to appeal to madara’s humanity, even if there’s only the slightest chance that madara can be reached. it ALL comes down to the village and their dream, too.

then comes the ultimatum, and again this is madara and hashirama struggling to get on the same page and understand each other once more. madara is defeated and tobirama is about to kill him when hashirama is like, wait. to which madara just kind of sighs and says get it over with, it would be an honor to die by your hand (god. GOD.). i think he always kind of expected things to end up like this, with hashirama killing him after he lost izuna, just because so much of madara’s character from the beginning was motivated by fear of losing izuna, he had to have imagined it ending this way.

so then madara gets desperate, and he’s like ok if i make the most insane ultimatum i can possibly think of he’ll definitely just kill me,** because he definitely won’t kill tobirama, and he won’t kill himself either. BUT he made a severe miscalculation and completely underestimated how little self worth hashirama actually has. this is a wild moment because hashirama was never at a disadvantage like madara was; he always just barely had the upper hand in everything from conversation to combat. he was the one whose stone crossed first, he was the one who was still standing at the end of their spars while madara was on the ground. and yet in that moment he was ready to toss his advantage aside. he was completely ready to die because in hashirama’s mind, it’s for madara. it’s for their dream that they shared. he can’t do it with anyone else. it has to be the two of them.

the suicide attempt was hashi’s response, 15+ years too late, to madara’s “maybe this village thing just isn’t going to work out [implied: because you value ideals and i value my brother].” and this is not to say that hashi didn’t value his brother too but because of madara’s specific hangups he felt that he couldn’t dedicate any energy anywhere else, whereas hashirama just genuinely believes in himself so much that he is able to protect tobirama and have this village in his head. and it’s not that hashi thinks of himself highly he just thinks he needs to be the one to build the village for the same reason madara thinks he alone can protect izuna. they both had the same thought process and came to different conclusions. (sidenote: the fade from madara’s gloved hand grabbing the kunai to them both un-gloved, shaking hands???? i am. feral)

and just as madara has this contradictory selfless/selfish reasons thing going on with regards to izuna, hashirama has a similar thing. deep down, hashirama really really really wants madara to like him. he is admired and liked by the senju clan and eventually by the village when that comes to be, but the person whose respect he really truly yearns for is madara’s, because madara was the very first person to Understand hashirama. madara was the first person to see hashirama as someone whose opinions should be valued, someone who was going to change the world for the better someday. everybody else up to that point had ridiculed him or shut him down or questioned him when he said the world is messed up and i’m going to fix it. he is Worth Something when madara is there, and he NEEDS madara to give him the ok before he builds the village. it is THEIRS.

which brings me back to “he decided to completely erase me from his life”. this is DEVASTATING to hashirama, just as izuna’s death is to madara, because the village/izuna carry equal weight in hashirama/madara’s minds. the whole warring states period was madara not understanding how izuna could fit into hashirama’s dreams for the future, and hashirama not understanding how izuna WOULDN’T fit into it, because they are just both that stubborn.

*maybe. perhaps a tobirama meta soon? there’s a whole separate other thing going on with tobirama this whole time that i would LOVE to get into at some point

**he knew hashirama wouldn’t kill tobirama, and he obviously didn’t want hashirama to die because the second hashirama tried to kill himself madara stopped him.

[beccascribbles]

hcs series detailing what it is like to be a manager for the various haikyuu teams

karasuno | seijoh |

warnings - swearing, karasuno being their usual selves with the addition of a chaotic manager

word count - 1.7k

being their manager was chaotic enough without the addition of the new first years

you were a second year, joining as a manager in your first year at the insistence of ennoshita, who had not wanted to deal with the likes of tanaka and nishinoya by himself

however, while kiyoko was the calming presence that warmed the boys hearts, you were her more chaotic counterpart

often, you could be found playing pranks on the boys, filling the club room with volleyballs, hiding the bibs

kiyoko was the one to rope you in, stop you from messing around too much, especially when your pranks had increased after the broom incident. you had just wanted to cheer everyone up, but it had only annoyed them

daichi had become irritable and snappy, while sugawara, despite the smile, looked exasperated

tanaka was the only one who didn’t seem too annoyed, giving your hair an affection ruffle

anyway, with the arrival of the new first years, you were determined to turn over a new leaf, make a good first impression

that plan didn’t work out

expecting it to be tanaka, ennoshita, kinoshita and narita walking towards the gym, you had hidden yourself in preparation to scare them (how you managed to mistake the sound of two people for four was beyond you but you did)

you leapt out from your hiding place, letting out a loud roar only to be greeted by a blonde beanpole with glasses and a freckled boy cowering behind him

you then proceeded to let loose a torrent of swear swords

“shit. fuck. sorry. shit. i can’t believe i did that. can we start over?”

you stuck out your hand towards them, the blonde looking at it with disdain while the other moved forward and grasped your hand

“i’m l/n y/n, and i’m one of the managers of the volleyball club,” you said, giving his hand a firm shake, a grin on your face. “this wasn’t how i planned to introduce myself. i thought you were the second years and i wanted to scare them. i promise i’m not always like this.”

cue sugawara piping up from seemingly nowhere, the rest of the team trailing behind, “don’t be fooled. she’s always like this”

“kiyoko is the responsible, lovely manager,” sighed tanaka, causing you to shoot him a glare, “and y/n is the chaotic one but we love her anyway”

“speak for yourself,” scoffed daichi, the ruffling of your hair as he walked past enough to tell you he was only teasing

“rude,” you mumbled before turning back to the two first years with a grin. “anyway, what are your names?”

the freckled one gave you a grin in response, introducing himself as yamaguchi and saying he was pleased to be playing for the team. the blonde refused to reply, walking past with a haughty tilt to his chin, though yamaguchi was quick to introduce him as tsukishima

but you were quick to wear him down, his coldness towards you gradually thawing the more you talked (although he insisted you were just being annoying)

he clearly wasn’t that annoyed as he would often share his music playlist with you

yamaguchi was quick to warm to you after the little scare. you were one of the first he told about wanting to learn the jump floater serve and happily encouraged him

meeting the monster duo of kageyama and hinata went much smoother, considering you had bribed sugawara for information on the pair before you met

the key to kageyama’s heart was milk, so when you introduced yourself and gave him a cartoon, he already knew you would be a great manager

honestly the boy is probably going to become a bit attached to you, constantly asking you to toss the ball to him to practice

definitely asks you to help tutor him as well if he knows you are good at school. kageyama feels far more comfortable with you than tsukishima

hinata was just a literal ball of sunshine, enthusiastically greeting you

probably comes to look up to you a lot and will help you play pranks so long as it doesn’t interfere too much with volleyball practice (you teach him all he needs to know, and enlist his help in executing the great balloon fiasco at the end of your third year)

all the third years definitely see you as a little sister

daichi is fiercely protective over you, steering you away from any volleyball boys who show an interest. literally stares down kuroo when he speaks to you at the training camp

sugawara is definitely the more relaxed one, sitting with you as you gossip about boys. he knows about all your crushes before anyone else. has let it slip on occasion but only to tease you (and to see the way daichi will immediately list off everything wrong about the person and why they don’t deserve you)

asahi is so soft for you. if you’re thirsty, he will scramble for a water bottle. you’re feeling tired? he will give you a piggyback. you don’t even need to ask him directly as he will just do it on instinct at this point (although he was very hurt after you told him off for abandoning the team)

you and the second years are the ultimate friend group, equal parts bitchy and calm

your group chat is constantly pinging, whether you’re in class or not (this is mainly due to tanaka and nishinoya being very bored and deciding to play games together. you will occasionally join in if it’s bowling or pool)

kinoshita and narita know all the gossip. they are your gossip buddies. tanaka walked into a wall while staring at kiyoko? they’ve got photographic proof and a whole video

if you want to know who’s talking shit about who, go to them. honestly, it pays to be quiet sometimes. the stuff daichi lets slip when he thinks no one is listening…

ennoshita is the group mum. he’s responsible for getting you all to practice, though this mainly includes tanaka and nishinoya. the rest of you are very responsible

in ennoshita’s mind, however, you are clubbed in with the two idiots. he believes that without his constant reminders, you’d never be anywhere on time. this is true but you aren’t going to tell him that

the dynamic between you, tanaka and nishinoya is so chaotic. for one, you’re all simps. you indulge their kiyoko obsession and they will listen to you thirst over the people you find attractive. no judgement goes on in these simping sessions, though you do use it as ammunition when you annoy each other

also definitely overprotective of you as well, though constantly show you and the other managers off to other teams to demonstrate karasuno’s superiority

kind of pisses you off and, while kiyoko walks off with yachi, you will hit them on the backs of their heads and tell them to shut up

they would prefer it to be kiyoko but both ultimately agree that you are hot when you are angry so will find out ways to do it more often

yachi and you get on well. personally, you think she’s an adorable mess (the perfect compliment to your chaotic energy)

though she is mainly kiyoko’s responsibility (daichi agreed with kiyoko when she said it would be better that you didn’t show yachi the ropes), you are the one to make her feel more at ease with voicing her opinion. she’s seen you rant at the boys enough times to know they won’t be offended

team sleepovers are a mess (honestly, you wonder why you still host them. answer - team bonding and tradition)

after hinata and kageyama tried to play volleyball with a cushion in your living room, resulting in sending a coffee table and all the glasses it was holding clattering to the floor, you refused to hold them at your place

this is also the reason why daichi, along with kiyoko, requested permission to hold a sleepover at the gym every two months

truth or dare gets crazy, though daichi draws the line when you are dared to strip and run around the school

“tanaka,” he barks, shooting the boy a glare, “that is very dangerous. it is cold. do you want y/n to get hypothermia?”

he will look sheepish and amend the dare to something a bit more tame and school friendly

there is always arguments on who gets to sleep where. when nishinoya and tanaka tried to sleep either side of kiyoko, daichi declared, while ennoshita pulled them away, that boys and girls would slip on opposite sides

you poked your tongue out at a pouting nishinoya and tanaka. you got to sleep next to the love of their lives. you were oblivious to the pout hinata was sending your way. he’d wanted to sleep next to his senpai and was now sandwiched between tsukishima and kageyama

sometimes you will prepare snacks for the boys, much to their horror (while you like to pretend you can cook, rock hard rice is not edible)

surprisingly, the only one honest about it is kageyama, who will hold the food away with a frown. “what is this shit?”

he’ll be hit over the head by tanaka, who shoots you a scared look. he was too slow and kageyama is now at risk of your anger

you plaster a sickly sweet smile on your face. “i won’t be tossing to you for extra practice today”

the worst punishment you can give him. he has to secretly ask the others until yachi finally agrees, too soft for her own good

you and the team are like a family, a messy family that argues and fights, but a family none the less

when the third years left, you may have shed a tear while you were crushed in a group hug and made them promise to keep in touch (which they were obviously going to do)

and, when you and the second years left the year after, you promised that you would keep in touch, that you’d be waiting to see kageyama and hinata on the world stage, threatening tsukishima to ensure he would reply to your messages, crushing yamaguchi and yachi in a hug. ennoshita had to pull you away otherwise you probably wouldn’t have left

[vyeoh]

this is your chance: wax poetic about an Empires or DSMP character of your choice to a fan who is new to both. Explain why I should love them. I need guidance in this new and meme-populated land.

okok this is a lot of pressure haha. Spoilers for EmpiresSMP and DreamSMP below, obviously. I wrote a lot so prepare yourself, anon

I watch a lot of empires POVs but the ones I most anticipate every week are Scott and Sausage.

c!Scott (I'll call him Smajor for the sake of simplicity) starts off the series chilling, not really getting involved with the rest of the server, and staying aggressively neutral. After all, he's an elf. He has lived far longer than most of the other rulers already, and will most likely outlive them for many years. So, the best thing is to stick to his mountains and not get invested in the dealings of mortal affairs, maybe sometimes causing problems on purpose and dipping because what's life without a little spice right.

But then, this demon comes to the server, Xornoth. He's going around causing havoc and wants to send the world into an eternal winter, but he doesn't bother the kingdom of Rivendell much so Smajor stays tentatively cautious but ultimately unbothered. But then, the puzzle pieces start falling together. The first thing that the audience noticed was was Xornoth sounded like Smajor, but we mostly thought that this was just due to cc!Scott voicing both of them and there was nothing more to it. However, then, the people the demon starts possessing start chanting in elvish. The demon hates mortals, and the elves are conveniently one of the two confirmed not fully mortal races in Empires.

This culminates when Smajor stumbles across a cave that contains the backstory of the patron god of Rivendell, Aeor. Basically, there's two opposing forces, Aeor and Exor, and both have a champion. In a previous life, those champions were two brothers, where Aeor eventually prevailed and banished Exor. In this life though, the champions are - you guessed it - Smajor, and the demon Xornoth.

So now Smajor is like. Well fuck. It's my literal god-given destiny to be responsible for defeating this demon who is technically my brother, and if I fail the server gets plunged into an eternal winter. And I have no fucking clue what is happening because I've just been here on this mountain actively trying to stay out of the issues outside my kingdom. We watch him panic and teeter on the verge of spiraling for an entire episode, and when the followers of Xornoth go to the End to kill the dragon, releasing Xornoth's full powers, he fails to stop him. Smajor is a character who was used to being the smart one, the prepared one, the one who has the least deaths on the server. But he's also a character who runs away from his problems and ignores them. Before and during the dragon fight, we hear the desperation in his voice, as he's thrown into a situation he is wholly unprepared for, and it's bigger than him going to the Cod Empire to kill their king, or assisting in other people's plans to kill the codfather. He can't run from this. cc!Scott plays this scene so well as well, as I've said before, one of the best parts of Scott's acting is how he's never super dramatic, but he's so effective in the little things like inflection to make you feel, viscerally, the panic and dread.

So after the dragon fight, Smajor realizes, I can't do this on my own. I've tried and failed. So he gets allies. We watch him, someone who has so strongly been an isolationist, learn the benefits of allies and watch him learn to trust others and watch him learn how to get that trust in return.

My favorite thing about Smajor's characterization is that he's an incompetent protagonist, but not in the way of the "plucky young adventurer". He's capable skill-wise, and fairly jaded and very pessimistic. However, his issue is that up until recently, he did not care about the rest of the server at all, and by the time he learned to, it was way too late.

Also, in 3rd Life, cc!Scott and cc!Jimmy were canonically married and they reference it sometimes in Empires. Like, Scott goes over to the Cod Empire every so often both in and out of character to kill and/or flirt with Jimmy, the ruler of the Cod Empire, which may develop as a secondary plot into the future who knows. So ty Scott for giving the gays what they want o7

Now onto Sausage: his is a story of Icarus, his hubris and ambition being his downfall. He's one of the two followers of Xornoth, who promised him endless power in exchange for his servitude. He started the series being eccentric, but not outright unhinged, but slowly gets more and more extreme as the series progresses, as he gets brought more and more to Xornoth's side.

One of the best parts of Sausage's character, in my opinion, is how his gradual corruption affects the people around him. Initially, he got into a conflict with the Cod Empire and was allied with two other people in the Witherrose alliance. They were allies, but also close friends. The fandom liked to joke that the three had sibling energy, and I'm pretty sure the ccs played to that even more lol.

It was painful to watch the other two members, Gem and fWhip, watch Sausage get corrupted right in front of them, and see them desperately clinging on to this old idea of Sausage in their head because if they faced the truth, it would mean that their friend was gone. Eventually, they do finally cut him out of the alliance, leading him to fully commit to the side of the demon. Sausage felt very clearly betrayed by this, and declared the remaining two Witherrose alliance members to be enemies.

He gets more and more possessed, and we even see the other Empires, his enemies even, slowly realize that something is very wrong with the ruler of Mythland. He starts doing more and more evil things, like killing people more, making sacrifices to the demon, and eventually helping to kill the dragon to free Xornoth. So things are good for Sausage, for a bit. He won, and is more powerful than ever. Then he finds out: he's going to die. Xornoth's possession is slowly killing his soul, and eventually, his body going to be fully taken over and he himself is going to be trapped in the spirit realm. So how do you react to this? Over the next few episodes, we watch Sausage struggle between "the demon is literally killing me" and "the demon has given me so much, and I love it", all while Xornoth takes over more and more of him. We hear him exclaim that "don't worry!! I'm still about 15% there!" while trying to downplay every time Xornoth completely takes over his body. We watch him willingly oppose anyone who is trying to end the thing that is killing him.

My favorite thing about Sausage is that he is undoubtedly evil and proud of it, but he's also undoubtedly human. If you like to watch evil characters go absolutely feral, he's the guy for you. He makes the deal with Xornoth in the beginning, knowing and fully embracing the evilness of the demon, but at the same time he knows what he's doing is detrimental to both himself and everyone around him, but he's gotten in way too deep at this point, and to be fair the demon has held up its end fo the bargain, right?

Also, I would be damned if I don't talk about cc!Sausage's editing. Every one of his videos is like a movie. The way he does camera angles and uses music is so skillful- every lore scene feels like something out of a high fantasy action saga (think: LotR). Every big lore event I always wait in anticipation for Sausage's ep because his editing truly takes lore to another level.

I'm just generally very excited to see where this series goes. Empires is such a good mix of talented builders and good lore. Part of the reason why the series is so immersive for me, beyond any other lore smp, is that they have the settings to back it up. There is a certain charm to the DreamSMP's objectively terrible builds (with a few exceptions) but in Empires, the settings help sell the plot so much.

Another part of why I love EmpiresSMP is how much the ccs are involved with the fan community. I'm sure you've seen the memes about Scott being on tumblr, and Sausage regularly goes through the EmpiresSMP fanart tag on Twitter and likes art, even ones not related to Mythland. Most of the ccs, in fact, have brought up tumblr content on stream at some point or another. Like, several ccs have said that they read tumblr lore theories and hcs and stuff and sometimes take inspiration from them. Fun fact: Rivendell's church was inspired by my pinned drawing; confirmed by Scott Smajor himself. It's just such a good cycle of ccs and fans being excited about each other.

As for DreamSMP, I'm gonna be honest here, the only person I really am invested in in Technoblade. I started watching when he joined the server, and he's the only person whose lore I keep up to date with.

Techno's fun to watch because he's like the Deadpool of DreamSMP. Virtually unkillable, very skilled and scary, but consistently cracks jokes and breaks the 4th wall during plot. His POV is just fun. Like, he does wild plans and gives speeches and some of the stuff that happens to him should be called deus ex machine if it wasn't for the fact that Technoblade is the one who's doing it, and all the stuff is grounded in the fact that cc!Techno is just that good at the game.

However, the fact that he rarely takes anything seriously makes the few times Techno is 100% serious so much more impactful. His whole character has a basis in being perceived as inhuman and being treated as such, and therefore in return trying to hide his humanity. So, when he shows that humanity, whether that's fear, anger, or genuine love for his friends, it really makes you go "oh shit."

Techno's often said not to have character development, but I'd argue that while he remains steadfast in his moral code, he develops leaps and bounds as a person. Like, at the beginning, he's brought onto the server to help Wilbur and Tommy overthrow a government; them knowing he's 1) an anarchist and 2) very very powerful. His character was more of a plot device at that point and was treated as such in the canon. Wilbur and Tommy straight-up lie to him about their plans to establish another government after they overthrow the current one, while he was led on to believe that they were abolishing all governments in the area. But he isn't a plot device. He's a person, as much as he only shows the terrifying, blood god side of himself.

After the establishment of New Lmanburg (the new government its a long story), his friend Phil joins. And for the first time, we see him be fully human with someone and we see someone treat him like a human. Like, we saw glimpses before, with Wilbur and Tommy in Pogtopia, but Phil is the first person we noticeably see he trusts 100%. Then Doomsday happens, and Techno essentially retires to the tundra. During this time, we see Techno learn to be more human, first with Ranboo, then Niki when he establishes the Syndicate. In fact, the two of them, along with Phil, canonically throw him a birthday party, which is a far cry from his treatment in Pogtopia.

Techno's development is one of a god learning to be human, and I just think he <3

[sepublic]

Through the Looking Glass Ruins!!!!!

         …

         SO! Onto other things first…

         WRATH IS BRAXAS’ FATHER!??!!? HOLY SHIT, Wrath is a canonical dad, I’d always expressed my… OH MY GOD WRATH IS DAD! And of BRAXAS, that sweetie… How is Braxas such a sweetie with a father like HIM, also-

         Wrath was in casual wear? Either he has a day off, or he got fired by Belos/Kikimora after drawing Luz a map to Eda in Young Blood, Old Souls! Either way this guy has a sudden new level of NUANCE that I am reeling from, and yes I checked, that really is Wrath according to the credits! Dang this puts everything in a WHOLE new light…!

         AMITY HAIR OHMIGOD IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE SHE’S SELF-ACTUALIZING I AM FUCKING SCREAMING HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, it’s PINK and not green… They acknowledged it, Emira did! And they CHANGED IT I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND OVER THIS-

         She looks so BEAUTIFUL and I love the kind of foreshadowing with the bookends of our first shot of Amity having her hair down, and now it’s changed! And she looks adorable and EMIRA AND EDRIC BEING GREAT SIBLINGS I LOVE IT SO MUCH! This… THIS is everything I wanted! I was resigned to not much of them but HELL YEAH they’re being good siblings and we get a look at their rooms, we see them doing MAKEOVERS together this is everything from my favorite fanon content and MORE,

         Also Edric has a date?! Emira says ‘their’ mom… Unless the Golden Guard has a mom, DARN! Not gonna lie, I half-expected a big twist at the end that Edric was dating the Golden Guard, who was doing some sort of reconnaissance as his unrecognized normal self and/or screwing around with the Blights even further, but in a GENUINE sense… But then who knows Kikimora could be posing as GG’s ‘mom’, this is a stretch anyhow-

         JUST HELL YEAH Blight Twins! Blight Twins being sweet and mischievous and supportive of each other, Blight SIBLINGS being siblings, Emira being an older sister and giving advice! And AMITY, Amity mentioning how much Luz has changed stuff, I love that they acknowledge it openly how her life has completely shifted, and now… NOW…!

         No necklace! Red leggings! PINK HAIR?! Is this why Amity in the intro hasn’t been updated yet… She was getting TWO updates, so the animators decided to only animate a change after this final update?!

         King and Gus are also friends it seems, and they even recorded some fun together! I’m surprised at how much Bria and the others mock Gus’ illusion skills… Obviously Belos is kinda terrible but like; I don’t think he’d set aside an entire subset of magic into Illusions without reason! Also that nightmare trip… I LOVE IT, I love Gus applying the creativity of illusions in their ability to completely warp and distort someone’s sense of reality! And I called that dragon-thing being an illusion!

         A graveyard… I wonder if the Gallderstones (is that how it’s spelled) have any relevance or if they’re just neat? I hope Mattholomule and Gus help hide the Looking Glass Graveyard… Damn, that’s another Death reference with Gus, huh! Is it culminating in his respect for the dead, or will it continue further with Gus being a necromancer, or an Oracle who can commune with the deceased, and he has their respect as someone who treats them properly?!

         Also not to get dark but… What if all those Illusionists are dead because of Belos? I’m JUST SAYING…! And not gonna lie, every time someone insulted Illusions, I kept imagining the Illusion Head just suddenly waking up and feeling like there’s a disturbance in the force, as well as a weird compulsion to beat up some Glandus kids. It’d be even funnier if he had beef with the Construction, Plant, and Abomination Heads as well!

         Speaking of which, more confirmation on Construction Magic being related to earth! Glad to see Bria give us a look into that, which furthers my idea of Belos using construction magic… Also dang, Bria and the Glandus Kids really are the parallels/foils to the Detention kids! You’ve got the short ‘nice’ girl, the tall lanky kid, the furry… But the Glandus Kids start off looking nice and cool, but turn out to be rather nasty!

         Meanwhile the Detention Kids seem like bad news and delinquents, but no! They’re just demonized and actually very kind and chill! The Detention Kids are looked down upon, the Glandus Kids are appraised… The Detention Kids are dual-track, the Glandus Kids are singular; Glandus Kids from, well, GLANDUS, Detention Kids from Hexside… One’s ‘mischief’ is actually very neat and cool, the other’s is literal grave robbing.

         I guess that’s how the bleeding statues got past the censors- It’s technically just an illusion! Also more insight into how Glandus works with its Survival of the Fittest mentality, I wonder if we’ll get confirmation on which coven heads came from there, how that might influence them as adults…

         What is Glandus like, is it more whole-heartedly accepting of Belos’ rule, hence its harsh ideals? Was it made after Hexside? Does Bump hate it for being so cruel like that, or is it just school bias? And dang poor Mattholomule, I always had a feeling he sort of felt and knew that he wasn’t much, so he accepted and compensated by deliberately doing whatever he can for power…

         They confirmed he’s from Glandus, and I appreciate this new look at him! This new leaf turned… Hot take but he’s honestly not as bad as Boscha, his stint with Gus was a one-time thing that Gus was able to live with! And that seems pretty good to set them up as friends! Speaking of Boscha, Willow was injured by pixies? And the last time we heard of pixies, they belonged to Boscha and caused the school to get shut down… Did BOSCHA DO THIS I SWEAR SHE IS DEAD TO ME-

         (Also she’s mentioned in the credits for this episode but I don’t remember hearing her? I might’ve gotten distracted with so much other things.)

         Gus! I like the insight into his relationship with Illusions, and I appreciate how he’s considering other forms of magic… But this hesitation might just serve to reaffirm his believe in Illusions, which is okay! It’s all about choice… And yeah, it seems Gus also has a case of impostor syndrome like King, no wonder they get along so well! I love the glimpses into Gus’ house and the confirmation that he has a library card, no Perry though alas…!

         I appreciate how Gus feels overlooked, like he has no real substance, which is how his Illusions reflect a desire to draw attention, but also the idea that there’s nothing real beneath them… Again, very much like King! And Gus, he’s not a powerhouse like the rest, he’s SKILLED and smart, but strength isn’t his forte, it’s not brute force he operates on, but cleverness! Trickery, I like it…! It’s a nice callback to his last A-plot episode, SVSF, where instead of fighting Mattholomule physically, Gus’ solution is to think outside the box and pull the alarm!

         You go kid, not relying on brute strength but showing that some clever tricks and thinking are just as valid! Kinda wonder if this episode is lowkey a discussion on masculinity for young boys, especially with Gus growing older with puberty, though the latter is mostly because his actual VA grew… But maybe the writers rolled with that and incorporated it, or it’s just a very neat coincidence! Also, it is me or did Mattholomule’s voice change? And the gag that Gavin’s dad looks identical to him, even moreso because he’s NOT supposed to have a moustache… That’s great!

         Malphas! Love this reference to a classic demon, I wasn’t sure if Malphas was the librarian with glasses whom I’ve always headcanoned as a father figure to Amity… But maybe it’s actually this bird dude! He seems adept in Bard magic, and I love the reveal of his true crow appearance… Guess those theorists were right that the one-eyed figure is from the Forbidden Stacks! Also Malphas NOT COOL with Amity, but I’m glad Luz changed his mind, and I wonder how that adventure looked…

         Which- DAMN, the RSD with Luz! She looks so UTTERLY BROKEN when Amity mentions doing stupid things, and she didn’t mean it like that, but Luz just looks so completely shattered and you can tell she wants to cry but instead she bottles it up and tries to take it in stride, and that plays into her trying to overcompensate for her mistakes AGAIN… SOMEONE GET IT TO HER HEAD that she doesn’t need to! I’m scared for Luz, and I was SO scared this episode would end on a bad note…

         BUT DOAHLDdFAEONDKFHN LUMITY KISS LUMITY KISS! ONE-SIDED BUT THEY FINALLY FUCKING KNOW AND AMITY IS LIKE WHAAAAT AND I WAS WAITING FOR IT AND I COULD FEEL IT HAPPEN AND GAY KISS! GAY KISS ON-SCREEN!!! And the way Luz just FLOPS to the ground on her knees AAHJJFFKHGGK and no Alador nor Odalia to ruin this, UTTERLY PERFECT and the twins WATCHING OOOHHHHGGGG YYYEEAAAAHHH-

         This is EVERYTHING I ever wanted!

         What an AMAZING episode with wonderful characer beats and reveals! Again, Amity’s growth as a character, that brief insight into how Luz as a person is very chaotic and sometimes frustrating for Amity and forces her to reevaluate, but ultimately it’s good and Luz DOES try her best, and Amity clearly wanted to make things up for Luz and apologize, they’re BOTH doing things, just the little moments!

         Also, Alex Lawther voices Philip Wittebane! He has long hair and a vaguely british accent, he’s… He’s Belos isn’t he? And they got a new VA because having him voiced by Matthew Rhys would be really spoiler-y right? He’s got the long hair and he’s a nerd… And with how he talks of finding a way back home, maybe Belos really DOES just want to return home, after all? He talks of making a way back home…

         And we see a glimpse of the Portal, so it might’ve brought him there? Or did Philip succeed in making it, and that was his blueprint designs? Did he arrive by Titan’s Blood? What happened to the portal if it brought him there, or if he made it? Why the scar, why near Eda’s house, partially buried?

         Was it lost before he could finish his work, and Philip got side-tracked into something else… Perhaps going on a crusade, on behalf of a curse/demon that possessed him? A demon that killed King’s father…? Was the portal broken and he had to discard it, but then it naturally healed- Or did it just need to recharge, maybe Philip DID make it back home, WHAT IS THE ANSWER?! Is there some sort of doppelganger for Philip, is BELOS his doppelganger?! What is THIS WHAT-

         WHAT AN EPISODE!

[calzona-ga]

[Spoiler] talks with The Hollywood Reporter about his return to the ABC medical drama and why the surprising reunion with Chyler Leigh had to be filmed via green screen.

[This story contains spoilers from the April 1 "Breathe" episode of Grey's Anatomy.]

The magical beach on Grey's Anatomy just delivered a double surprise.

Viewers knew that Chyler Leigh would be returning to reprise her role as Meredith's younger half-sister, Lexie Grey, but she wasn't the only former star who came back on the show's magical beach. Eric Dane, in a surprise appearance, returned to reprise his role as Lexie's on-screen love interest, Mark Sloan.

Both Dane and Leigh appeared together on the beach as part of a central storyline as Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) continues to battle COVID-19. Dane and Leigh become the latest former stars to return to Grey's Anatomy this season, joining Patrick Dempsey (Derek) and T.R. Knight (George) as the Shonda Rhimes-produced ABC drama continues to focus on the impact of the pandemic on the medical community.

Dane and Leigh's Mark and Lexie appeared for the first time since the season eight finale. That episode featured Lexie telling Mark that they were meant to be as she died from injuries sustained in a plane crash. Mark, meanwhile, was killed off in the season nine premiere as Dane left the series to pursue TNT's The Last Ship.

Below, Dane talks with The Hollywood Reporter about providing closure to Mark and Lexie's love story, being part of Meredith's big storyline — she's now off the vent and breathing on her own — and why his reunion with Leigh had to be filmed via green screen.

What was the pitch to come back? Had you seen that Patrick Dempsey had come back and wonder if you were going to get a call?

No, I hadn't. I was in Shanghai, China, when Krista Vernoff reached out and said, "I have an idea." She texted me. I said, "Well, I'm in Shanghai, of all places. And I'd love to hear your idea. Give me a couple weeks to clear quarantine and I'll find you." And she says, "How would you feel about coming back? I don't know if you've seen what's going on, but Meredith is in this coma in a fever dream from covid. And she's seeing all her friends on a beach." And I said, "Well, that kind of makes sense. Yeah, sure, let's do it."

Was the pitch for both you and Chyler to return the same episode

Absolutely.

What was it like reuniting with Chyler after all these years?

It feels like I never left. It was very comfortable and very easy, and it was so nice to see a lot of the same faces with the crew. It's a role that always fit for me, like one of those great old t-shirts. And it was just like putting the t-shirt back on and hanging out on a beach for a couple days, and catching up with some old friends.

Did you actually film with Chyler? She's a regular on a show that films in Vancouver, which would have meant she had to quarantine in the middle of Supergirl production to film this.

Chyler was in Vancouver. So we had to work some magic. Chyler could get here but then she couldn't get back to Canada. There was some green screen. There was a lot of me and Ellen. And Ellen an eye line.

Were you bummed that the logistics didn't work out for you and Chyler physically share a scene together again after so long?  

Yeah. I'm honestly bummed you even asked me that because I wanted to sell the myths of us actually being on screen together in person. But don't take it personally. It's OK, you're doing your job. But Ellen and I see each other every now and again, Justin [Chambers] and I see each other every now and again. I spent so much of my life with these guys. When you see them again, it's not a big, "Oh my God, what have you done?" It's like, nobody skips a beat. It's just, everything kind of fit. It fit then; it still fits.

What did you and Ellen talk about between takes?

We talked about kids, my 11-year-old just found Grey's Anatomy and she's asking me a lot of questions which are difficult to answer. We talked a lot about our kids finding this show, and how do we handle that. How do we police what they're able to watch? Are they of age? Is it appropriate? Some of it raises some questions that I'm not quite ready to answer yet. But I don't mind it because both my kids now want to be surgeons. And all their baby dolls they used to play with are now being cut open, and they're stitching up bananas. It's fun.

On-screen, the episode implies that Mark and Lexie wound up together in whatever this special beach is. Shonda Rhimes said back in back in season nine that killing off Mark was the only way for Mark and Lexie to really be together. In Lexie's last dying words, do you think Mark and Lexie were meant to be?

Absolutely. I mean, the line Meredith asks is, "So you guys are together." And I say, "I guess on your beach, we are." But I think Mark would have found Lexie no matter what. Whether it would have been on Meredith's beach or Lexie's beach, or anybody's beach, I think Mark would have found her.

Does this feel like you have closure with this character again? Did it feel like there was any lingering questions that you were really able to put a bow on this time?

I think it all came full circle. The one question I think that everybody was left with was, obviously Mark Sloan saying goodbye to Lexie and she said, "We're meant to be." And then Mark passes on, and we don't know what that meant. And now we know, Mark and Lexie are together in their parallel universe.

As an actor, do you feel like this is the closure that you maybe didn't quite get the first time?

Yeah. I always felt like there was closure. I've always trusted these writers and what they were doing as far as the overall story and the character's departures. They've always handled that really well. I guess the only people that weren't provided with closure was the audience. And I hope that this can do that for them.

Even though you didn't film in the same place, it really does feel that way.

Two-thousand miles of distance between us is not going to the chemistry that happens on screen between us. I know who I'm talking to, she knows who she's talking to. And that translates.

Mark spoke about always looking out for Callie (Sara Ramirez) and Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) and their daughter, Sofia. That felt like something special to be part of, too.

I can identify with that. I lost my father at a pretty early age and I always felt like he was looking out for me — still to this day, to a degree. So those words meant something to me, and I believe in them.

Ultimately, Mark and Lexie help Meredith fight to stay alive in her battle with covid. What does it mean to you to have been able to not only come back, but to do so in such a meaningful way?

It's a pretty poignant moment. I would think anybody speaking to anybody beyond the grave would probably provide the same advice. You get one lap in life, it's very important that you live every day to the fullest. You keep both feet in today, you stay present. And you're there for your loved ones.

Any regrets about not being able to reunite with Patrick Dempsey to bring McSteamy and McDreamy back together?

No. I love Patty. That wasn't the story. There were no regrets. I've never had regrets about anything on the show.

You said in a 2013 interview that you would have stayed on Grey's until the last episode but ultimately left because you couldn't pass up the role in The Last Ship. Looking back, any regrets about asking to leave?

No regrets. Look, Grey's Anatomy is a fantastic show and it provides a fantastic life. I'm an actor, I think it's very unnatural for any actor to play the same character for eight years. It's just counterintuitive to what I think I'm doing for a living and I think what my purpose is with my job. So, as much as I loved being there, and as much as I loved working with the people I was working with, playing Mark Sloan for 17 seasons just seemed like, I don't know, a little antithetical to what I'm supposed to be doing as an artist. And you get to a point where that's all anybody is going to see you as. And even with The Last Ship, I wasn't playing Mark Sloan, but I was playing a guy that certainly looked like Mark Sloan and had some of the same characteristics. And then I took a year off and said I need to mix things up here because I'm not finding any real joy in the work I'm doing. And then Euphoria came along and was very different and something I've never done. And it's going to challenge me and keep me engaged. And nobody is going to expect this out of me, so let's do it.

What's the status of season two?

Season two is going to be fantastic. I don't think principal photography has started yet, but I know we are prepping right now. I think mid-April we start shooting.

Is the plan still to get the show back on the air this year?

I believe so. We do take a long time filming it. And it's a gift to get that much time to shoot an hour of television. We take 30 days to shoot an episode sometimes, which is unheard of. When we were shooting Grey's in the early days, the 10-day episodes that we would get were unheard of. But 10 days and two units, people were like, wow, that's a luxury.

So to return to Grey's and get to spend a few days on the beach and not on set and in scrubs under the gun like the old days must have been a nice final memory of the show.

It was a great couple days on the beach with some old friends.

[stormblessed95]

I don't know if your insecure jikooker anon is really an insecure one or a tkkr messing with you, but my friend and I became bts fans late last year, and jkkrs maybe after a month or so. and it's the first time we've known about ships. we binge-watched a lot of content, at the same time watched their real-time ones.there were times where jkk seemed off. at first, no one talked about it and my friend and I would wonder why and every now and then would check on social media if fans did already. we would think why would fans be so blind. then later on a few videos came out about it and some mentioned about their distance. we were like, yes finally at least people are realistic. then a few months later they'd release videos that would show jikook were okay. I even saw pap vids of them going home together when I was so sure they've broken up. then now memo2020 came out. I think all the times I thought they were distant, memo20 answered them.they really weren't. so anon even if you're sure they're not okay now, just wait for later contents. you might be surprised you were wrong. I'm sure they are not okay all the time, it's natural for people to disagree or have bad times. I don't even know if they've shown that side to us, but it's okay to have doubts.just don't push it and harass people about it on social media.haha. and if you find yourself getting affected too much, take a step back. focus on their songs, find another hobby, call your friends, make a ptd dance video. this should not ruin your life. haha.we're meant to just enjoy things. no one can promise they'd live happily ever after, we can't control that. it's their life. we're here ultimately for their music. their personal life is actually none of our business. let's just be happy and content they show us a part of it. be kind to one another (except tkkrs. i hate them! haha). be kind especially to our bloggers here on tumbler who gave a space for us to fangirl over bts and our dear jikook, and also a space to vent every now and then.haha

This was a very sweet message, anon. So very kind. 💜 I'll share it because you sound like an absolute sweetheart. Enjoy some sweet KM piggyback photos while you are here!

I'll also just say to you and your friend, don't let it worry you too much. It's all about how content gets released and when. You won't get major flirty jikook during official moments that get released first. You'll get some little moments here and there or sometimes even nothing. But then as the months go on, the back log starts rolling out and we see more and more and more. And every single time, they were fine and acting very loving to each other.

The amount of insecurities and backlash that was going on about jikook and how they OBVIOUSLY have broken up during Black Swan era was insane. Just take a look at memories to see exactly how far off base all those worries were. Everyone insisted they broke up or we were all crazy, there was no love there. Things were off, rhey were mad at each other, etc. Just for Jikook to be backstage giggling and flirting, in content we hadn't seen. For Festa this year we got a dance practice video that had been filmed literally a year earlier. For Festa last year we got a video of them being silly and dancing to Airplane pt. 2 that was filmed in 2018. Content is not released in order basically ever.

And again, that's not to say they never fight. We know of at least 2 big fights they have had. Their rainy day fight and Manila fight (you can find my posts over those on my masterlist). And I am 100% positive they have had more that we don't even know about. And I know for sure they have probably had petty fights such as not doing the dishes right away and letting it pile up and one person getting pissy about it. Or stupid little things like that. It happens, it's normal, its expected, whether it's a romantic relationship or platonic one, fights are normal and expected.

Like I keep saying, it's hard to know what we are looking at until we can connect all the puzzle pieces. This is Black Swan all over again. Which there was also a flood of insecurities during the Dynamite era. During literally Every. Single. Era. It's not new, it won't change. It's just how it is. The insecurities get proven wrong again and again and again, but they just keep pushing them back. Nothing will ever make the insecurities/antis go away. It's just the way the cookie crumbles unfortunately.

Thank you for your be kind message. It's important, I agree and appreciate it. Again, you seem like a sweetheart. Welcome to the fandom (even if it's it's a few months, you are still sorta new lol) hope you are loving it here mostly! Thanks for the message! Don't get so worried. Remember that this is not the jikook show, but the bts one. Jikook are professionals and they are working. Not everything is going to be a flirt fest all the time. Sometimes they will be serious and focused or interacting and engaging with other members. That doesn't Mean something is wrong with them. 💜

[hamliet]

RWBY and the Philosopher’s Stone

So, I finally watched RWBY after a friend name-dropped several characters and I was like wait... those names are alchemical. I was still pleasantly surprised to find out just how deeply rooted in alchemy the story is, from its characters to its plot structure. 

Background: alchemical structure is a type of story structure that focuses on inner transformation via outward obstacles. You can find it in literary traditions across the world, from Moxiang Tongxiu’s novels to A Song of Ice and Fire to Harry Potter to The Witcher to Trollhunters. Carl Jung incorporated it into his psychology. Daoism plays heavily into Chinese alchemy. The Wizard of Oz, one of RWBY’s main inspirations, is a blatant alchemy allegory. It’s everywhere, so it’s not surprising RWBY is drawing heavily on alchemy, but it is neat to see how blatant the references are. 

Thematically, the goal of alchemy is a metaphorical philosopher’s stone. The philosopher’s stone, in legend, is said to produce an elixir of eternal life, and to be able to transform “baser” metals into gold. 

In stories, when positive, as it usually is, this usually results in a character either overcoming death (see, Harry Potter) and/or transforming the world and others around him (Harry Potter saving his friends, etc.) But the journey from how they get from prima materia (raw material) to the philosopher’s stone? Now that’s the story. 

(When reversed, a metaphorical stone results in something that can destroy everything; see: the One Ring, also Salem, because Salem’s whole thing is that she cheapened the process of life and death, while alchemy states that death is a necessary part of achieving life.)

So, mostly I’m gonna talk about the symbolism I’ve seen so far and make some predictions for what’s likely to happen next in the story, and for the characters.

Each of the four main characters has a name that corresponds to one of the four phases of the Magnum Opus. “Blake Belladonna” refers to the nigredo, or black stage; “Weiss Schnee” to the albedo, or white stage; “Yang Xiao Long” to the citrinitas or yellow phase, and “Ruby Rose” to the final stage, rubedo, or red (Ruby’s name is quite literally taken from that stage). Naming them for these stages shows a dual purpose: while Ruby is the central character, she needs her team around her, and Team RWBY will save the world together. Team JNR is also a part of the stages, but I’ll get to what they represent later on. 

Jung associated each of the major stages with a major archetype. The major stages can be further broken up into a total of seven or twelve or even fourteen stages. Most commonly you’ll see George Ripley’s Twelve Gates referenced, and I believe that’s what RWBY is referencing as well since its allusions are pretty perfect. The "gates” or stages also sometimes overlap, especially when different characters might be at different stages. 

Nigredo: Seasons 1-3 

Alchemy begins by gathering the prima materia, or raw material. The characters assembling in season 1 is more of the gathering than the actual transformative process. But once we hit season 2, we dive straight into the process. 

Calcination occurs during the climax of season 2, during the fight on the train. Season 3 contains dissolution, or the washing of impurities through the exposure of certain secrets (like the fall maiden) as well as the literal dissolution of Beacon Academy, and separation (the end of the season, when Team RWBY is scattered). 

Narratively, Jung associated nigredo with the shadow, with someone’s dark night of the soul, their low point. In historical artistic depictions, often part of nigredo is dismemberment... which happens to Yang when she saves Blake from Adam. See, Splendor Solis: 

The goal of the shadow is that it should be integrated with, accepted, rather than denied. Facing the shadow is a necessary part of growth and ultimate transformation... and the point is, through facing the shadow, hope and light come.  

Peacock’s Tail: Seasons 4-5

Okay, I lied, there are sometimes five phases in alchemy. At the very end of nigredo, just before albedo, there is sometimes a flash of light, of rainbows and colors, that give hope. It’s not quite a phase, more of a moment, but it’s referred to as the peacock’s tail. While this is less plot-related, it does make sense that this is the point in the story where Team RJNR is formed. Why? Because look at their colors:

Ruby: red, black

Jaune: yellow, blue

Ren: green, purple

Nora: white, pink, orange

Between them we’ve pretty much got the full rainbow. 

We also have, in Blake’s arc, the introduction of Ilia Amitola, whose last name is the Souix word for “rainbow.” 

Albedo: Seasons 5-7

Albedo is associated with the anima or animus, or the part of ourselves that we are lacking (it’s generally gendered as the male within a female and the female within a male, but please understand he’s not talking literally and more in terms of traditional qualities ascribed as feminine or masculine that we may repress), which more than fits the fact that this stage begins while team RJNR is literally wandering around a continent called Anima. 

Conjunction is a term in which all the separated parts that can be salvaged from the Nigredo come together. Obviously the main incident for this is the fight at the end of volume 5, but I’d argue it overlaps a bit with volume 4 and even with separation.

The characters are only able to come together again once they’ve accepted aspects of their shadows. Yang deals with hers in Raven and Blake with the White Fang. Nora and Ren’s fight at their home village represents them dealing with their shadow as well, and also relates to conjunction because conjunction is the stage where the first chemical wedding comes into play. A chemical wedding is the joining of alchemical partners, and while I’ll probably discuss ships in another post (there’s a lot of set up alchemy-wise), I’ll just reference the obvious one here: 

The fountain image and a person shooting arrows is some pretty uncannily similar imagery to the fight at Nora and Ren’s home village. 

Next up in albedo is putrefication (focus on death and rotting). We see this with the encounter with the Apathy, who look like skeletons, cause death, etc. We’re also introduced to Maria Calaveras, aka the Grimm Reaper. (Her last name also means “skull” aka the white results of putrefication). 

Congelation requires a lot of water, and we see this in the focus on Atlas, wherein snow (water) is everywhere. The point of congelation is to separate the thin from the thick, the latter of which will of course become the Philosopher’s Stone. We see this through Team RWBY’s break with the Ace-Ops (aka the Aesops), whose simplistic morality and rule-following are not going to bring about character growth or eternal life. 

Citrinitas: Volume 7-?

Citrinitas focuses on the light, or fire. That immediately after congelation, a giant whale brimming with yellow appears in the white-colored Atlas is not a coincidence. Citrinitas is associated with the sage or the wise old man/woman, so Maria and Pietro fill this role. 

The first stage of citrinitas is cibation, which involves feeding with fresh material. I’d actually say that it seems quite possible cibation overlaps with congelation, in that there is a focus on food and on training with the Ace-Ops early in Volume 7. The next phases are sublimation and fermentation. I can see potential for sublimation in that it essentially is when solid becomes air (think of the setting of Atlas), but it’s too soon to say what this means for the plot. 

Fermentation, though... well, things will get worse before they get better. :’) 

Rubedo: 

Finally, Rubedo is associated with the fully individualized self. We can assume each of the main seven will come into their own, confident of whom they are. Oscar should, as well, and probably will have fully control over his body by the end (ie Oz will likely... find rest or whatever).

The stages of rubedo are exaltation (the creation of the stone after two contraries meet), multiplication (the stones’ properties increase), and projection (the stone’s abilities are projected over the entire world, aka presumably RWBY will save the world). 

The most common way to display multiplication is through, well, a lot of couplings. It’s why the main characters ending single seems extremely unlikely to me. Even if it seems a fairy tale ending, well.... *gestures to everything about RWBY being inspired by fairy tales* Fairy tales were also often alchemy based. But ships will get their own meta, because I actually don’t really ship much besides Renora and am for once not super invested in anything, but I can see the set-up for four or five ships.

I also want to highlight the other symbolic names that stood out to me: 

Ironwood. While I know Ironwood references the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz (tin being one of seven metals associated with alchemy), his name also references a second metal: Iron. Tin and Iron are the two of the three basest metals in alchemy (the other is lead). Iron in particular is ruled by Mars, the god of war, meaning it is associated with violence. It’s not a coincidence that pretty much from the second Ironwood is introduced, the concept of war comes up, and his entire character has gone on to be the embodiment of the military and violence. 

Tai Xiao Long. His name literally means “sun,” and Ruby’s mother is defined by her silver eyes (silver being a color traditionally associated with the moon). Ruby is thus considered the child of the Solar King and Lunar Queen, two mythical alchemical figures who together create the “Philosophical Child,” or the personified philosopher’s stone.

Pietro Polendina: his name literally means “stone,” and Penny is his philosopher’s stone. Penny is arguably a reference to copper, another of the seven metals, as copper references compassion and love, which seems like Penny to me. 

Qrow and Raven Branwen: crows and ravens are symbolic of nigredo, or the black phase; death, decay, etc. However, within the story I think Qrow and Raven fulfill this role as the Jungian shadows of hunters as a whole and of Yang. 

Sun Wukong: obviously a reference to the sun. 

Emerald Sustrai: Emerald is a reference to the Emerald Tablet, which in alchemical lore is a tablet containing the secrets of alchemy, as written down by Hermes (in legend). Hermes is, of course, Mercury. Everything about alchemy stems from the Emerald Tablet, so Emerald should be important. In addition, green is the color of the prima materia, so it references Emerald’s arc in being shaped and molded by Cinder. 

Mercury Black: Mercury as the mythological god is the legendary founder of alchemy, so like, he’s important. Mercury is also the third most important metal in alchemy, after gold and silver. It is necessary to achieving the philosopher’s stone so, like Emerald, Mercury is probably important. Mercury is of particular note because mercurial characters are common in alchemical literature: they make stuff happen. Think of Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, for example. Mercury transcends death symbolically (you can see the roots of this in Mercury’s backstory with his assassin father): it is difficult to pin down and can quickly shift from liquid to solid. Thus, in alchemy, mercury can shift between life and death. 

Mercury is also a noted servant of the white queen. I initially thought this a surface reference to Salem’s appearance, and it might be, but Salem is more associated with a black queen in the recurring chess motif, and I don’t see Mercury staying on her side (mercury isn’t fixed, after all; that’s its central tenet), so I kind of wonder if the “white queen” will be later revealed. Or maybe it just is a surface mention.

[herinsectreflection]

I Don't Sleep on Bed of Bones: The Slayer as a Killer Across the Seasons

A pretty constant question throughout Buffy's arc - arguably the central question of the entire show, that Buffy must answer, is "what is a slayer? What does being The Vampire Slayer mean?". And a major part of that is the question of whether a slayer is just a killer. It's a question central to S5, but ripples throughout the rest of the show too, with some of the most iconic scenes in the show in converstion with each other around it. Inspired by an ask I received about this from @potterkid, I took a look at how this idea develops and resolves itself over the course of the show.

In S1, being the Slayer means accepting responsibility. It's metaphor for growing up - a metaphor that recurs throughout the show along with other ideas, but is strongest in S1. Buffy is torn between her teenage/human wants and her adult/supernatural responsibilities. She accepts her mortality and her duty (fighting the Master), and wins when she manages to integrate that with her personal desires (fighting the Master in a kickass prom dress with her friends and boyfriend). There's some stuff around the classic superhero idea that being around the hero is dangerous -e.g. in Never Kill a Boy on the First Date, but not much on the idea of a Slayer being a killer exactly.

In S2, being the Slayer means making hard choices. It means accepting that sometimes all your options are bad ones, but choosing one anyway, even at personal cost. This is introduced through Ford's story in Lie to Me, with Buffy's words to him forming one of the core thesis statements of the show ("You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice."), and it's climaxed beautifully in the tragic ending of Becoming. There's not much direct allusion to the idea of Buffy being a killer here, but this is a vital moment in that discussion. Ultimately, Buffy does make the decision here to kill Angel - not to slay Angelus, but to kill him. To take the life of her ensouled lover in order to save others. It's kind of the opposite of the decision that Ford makes - the best of two bad choices. It's the classic trolley problem, and Buffy's hand is on the lever by design - she has to make that choice because she's the Slayer. We will see this moment returned to again and again as this Slayer-vs-Killer theme develops.

Also, Ted is a very important episode for later. Buffy herself feels guilty specifically because she used her slayer powers on what she thinks is a regular human, and therefore killed him. Specifically, being the Slayer made her a Killer. It's also notable that this is where the idea of Buffy having a free reign to kill is first introduced - by Buffy's original shadow self in Cordelia no less.

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have... Xander: What, a license to kill? Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her? - 2x12 Ted This isn't explored massively here but will be revisited again and again going forward.

S3 is where this theme really comes into focus. Faith enters as Buffy's shadow self and a representation of hedonism. How that manifests is as a Slayer who gives herself a license to Kill. She posits the idea that as slayers, they can and should decide who lives and dies.

Faith: Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill. Buffy: To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else! Faith: We are better! - 3x15 Consequences

Obviously, this is something that Buffy has to reckon with and fight against. But there is a glimmer of truth here, because at the end of S2, she does take the power of life and death into her own hands. She is faced with the choice between Angel and the world and decides that Angel should die. She had to, that's the position she has to be in because she is the Slayer. She has to be a Killer because she is a Slayer. So the two are intertwined.

More than this, Faith is someone who at least appears to revel in the kill. Up until now, we hadn't really seen Buffy enjoy being a slayer, but Faith does. Buffy is genuinely drawn to that, to slaying for pleasure. The equation of slaying/killing and sex for Buffy is first explicitly drawn by Faith in this season. ("Isn't it crazy how slaying always makes you hungry and horny?"). Slayers are very much like vampires in that respect, blurring the line between sex and death. In general, Faith introduces the idea that Buffy is drawn to killing - not just to protect people (the ideal of a Slayer), but for its own benefit. That's something that Buffy continues to struggle with going forward.

I have said before that Faith in S3 is an echo of Angel in S2, both in Buffy's relationship to them both and how that shifts mid-season, and in how it ends. In Graduation Day, Buffy again is given the power of life and death. This time, it's more personal - she can stop Angel dying by killing Faith. It's not such a straightforward (for want of a better word) decision as Angel .vs. the literal entire world, it's just the value of one life against the other. Another trolley problem, and it's not an easy choice, but it's still a choice. Just as she chose the lesser evil in killing Angel in S2, she kills the person filling the Angel role in S3. And this time, the choice is explicitly tied to the idea of being a Killer. Faith is set up as the person that Buffy could be in a slightly different world, and that person is a Killer, as Faith herself claims.

"What are you gonna do, B? Kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet." - Faith Lehane, 3x17 Enemies

"You did it, B. You killed me." - Faith Lehane, 3x22 Graduation Day

In the act of choosing to pull the lever, Buffy has to kill. In the act of killing, she has become her dark mirror. In the act of defeating/becoming Faith, she becomes again the sole Slayer. Being a killer and a Slayer again intertwined. It's interesting here that she then makes the decision to feed herself to Angel. She unravels the trolley problem by throwing herself on the tracks. It's fascinating that between the dual trolley-problem finales of Becoming and The Gift, where in the first Buffy chooses to pull the lever, and in the latter she refuses and chooses a third option, Graduation Day exists in the middle as a stepping stone where she kind of does both.

The bulk of S4 is a little lighter on this theme, instead examining The Slayer as a role that must be juggled amongst a series of competing roles as Buffy's life as an adult becomes more fractured. There are flavours of it in Fear Itself, where Buffy fears that her friends will leave and her destiny lies with death and the dead, but otherwise not too much jumps out at me. Except, of course, for Restless, which is so heavy with this theme. It's one of the many reasons why I kind of consider Restless an honourary part of S5, as it's setting up the themes and arcs of S5 as much as it's wrapping up the like from S4.

RILEY: Hey there, killer.

BUFFY: We're not demons. ADAM: Is that a fact?

RILEY: Thought you were looking for your friends. Okay, killer...

TARA: I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone. BUFFY: The Slayer. FIRST SLAYER: No friends! Just the kill.

OK, so SO much to unpack here. This is all within the under-10-minute sequence of Buffy's dream, and in that sequence she constantly shows a fear that she is in fact a "killer". It's clearly strong in her mind. Riley calls her "killer" multiple times, and Adam equates her with him, and with demonhood. I also find it very interesting how she responds to Tara's words, which are very literally describing the act of kiling ("the action of death...the blood cry...the penetrating wound"). She hears that and immediately identifies her as the Slayer, so slayerhood and killing are clearly bound up together in her mind.

Central to her concerns is the dichotomy between friendship and death. This was built up in Fear Itself, and it's central here. Riley and Sineya both frame it as a choice, between friendship and "the kill". This is a fear that Buffy has already, since S1, that her Slayer life will stop her ability to have a "normal" life of friends and family, but it also sets up her arc in S5 nicely. She chooses her friends over becoming a pure instrument of death in Restless, but that does not resolve her ongoing fears. They existed before and continue to dwell even more strongly in her mind, with words that both Sineya and Dracula repeat.

"You think you know ... what's to come ... what you are. You haven't even begun."

This sets the stage for S5, and her arc of choosing between family and being the Slayer. Friendship and family are presented as more of less one and the same a few episodes later in Family, and the choice Buffy is faced with in S5 is another trolley problem - the life of Dawn against the world. This time, it's more specifically tied to the Slayer/Killer dichotomy through the prophecy that Buffy is faced with ("Death is your gift"). This frames the similar choices she faced in Becoming and Graduation Day in the same light, with Buffy even specifically comparing this to the former.

BUFFY: I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew ... what was right. I don't have that any more. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish that... I just wish my mom was here. The spirit guide told me that death is my gift. Guess that means a Slayer really is just a killer after all. - 5x22 The Gift

S5 is soaked in this Killer-vs-Slayer idea, and that's part of why I love it so much. It opens with Buffy having gained an appreciation of killing. She goes out not to patrol, but to hunt. To revel in the enjoyment of the kill, just as Faith did. There's also a constant theme of people identifying Buffy as a Killer. Importantly, it's a theme of her believing them. She knows that there is a kernel of truth there, and it develops from a subconcious worry in Restless to a more concrete fear in Intervention, where Buffy explicitly says that she is afraid that being the Slayer means losing her humanity and ability to love, and become nothing more than a "killer". Eventually, Buffy is so ground down by it that when The Gift rolls around, she simply accepts that the Slayer is "just a killer" as an inevitability.

BUFFY: Yeah, I prefer the term slayer. You know, killer just sounds so... DRACULA: Naked? - 5x01 Buffy vs Dracula

SPIKE: Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. - 5x07 Fool for Love

FIRST SLAYER: Death is your gift. - 5x18 Intervention

I also like the way that Joyce is repeatedly linked to this idea. Buffy's response to Sineya points to Joyce's death as a rebuttal to the idea of death being a gift ("Death is not a gift. My mother just died. I know this."). Buffy talks about Joyce just before accepting that "a slayer is a killer" in The Gift. Spike's speech about Slayer's having a death wish comes immediately before Buffy finds out that Joyce is going into hospital. The idea of the Slayer as an instrument of death, killing every day, is juxtaposed against the mundane horror of what death is really like, as demonstrated in The Body. As the Slayer, Buffy must cause death, but this is what death looks like. It's hard and painful and mortal and stupid. Eventually Buffy reaches a point where she just can't do this anymore. She can't live in a world where she must choose to be a killer, because she understands death more now than ever.

It's here that the show explicitly connects the ideas of utilitarianism and being a killer. Buffy says that killing Dawn to save the world (and by association killing Angel to save the world, or killing Faith to save Angel), would make the Slayer "just a killer". This goes back to S3, and Faith arguing that the death of one innocent was washed out by the many people that they save, and that being Slayers gives them the right to make that calculation. Tara points to Giles in this episode, the voice of utilitarianism, and identifies him as a killer. Giles himself identifies himself as one when he kills Ben, and here draws a line between being a utilitarian/killer, and being a hero.

BEN: Need a ... a minute. She could've killed me. GILES: No she couldn't. Never. ... She's a hero, you see. She's not like us.

Some people criticise the moral absolutism of this, and could very justifiably argue that killing Ben, or even killing Dawn, would be the most moral thing in this situation. Who are we to say that Dawn's life is more valuable than the lives of a thousand other 14 year old girls, with families of their own that love them just as much as Buffy loves Dawn? But within the context of the show, I think it makes sense for them to reject utilitarianism. Buffy is a Sisyphean story. There will always be another apocalypse after this one is stopped. There will always be another impossible choice with innocent lives in the balance. Through that lens, the idea of "killing one to save a thousand" becomes meaningless, because there's a thousand apocalypses, and if you kill one to stop them all, then you've killed a thousand. That's how Buffy feels - she killed Angel, she killed Faith, now she has to kill Dawn? Where does it end? Eventually it all just gets stripped away, so what's the point? There's no winning move here. The only way to break the cycle is to change the game.

We should also keep in mind Buffy's words at the start of the episode. She fears that the Slayer is "just a killer", but she is also identified by the guy she saves in the alley in the opening scene as "just a girl". And Buffy agrees ("That's what I keep saying."). Buffy is The Vampire Slayer, which dictates that she must make these impossible choices, but she's also Buffy, which means she is a human being with the power of free will. She gets a choice - not a good choice, but a choice. As a human being, she can reject the options in front of her and find a third way. She can transform the whole game, and turn "Death is your gift" into an empowering statement. This was heavily foreshadowed of course - the Guide in Intervention outright stated that Buffy was full of love, and that "love will bring [her] to [her] gift". But it takes Buffy working through these fears and emotions and realising that she simply can't take Dawn's life. She chooses a new way. She avoids being a killer by rejecting utilitarian ethics. To paraphrase The Last Jedi, she wins by saving what she loves. Ultimately, she's not a killer, but a girl, a friend, a sister, a Slayer - a hero.

So season five is very much the climax and resolution of this theme. Very few themes ever disappear entirely from this show though, and this one continues to echo throughout the show. In S6, Buffy again fears she is slipping into darkness. That there is some kind of darkness that is innate within her. But where in S5 this was a fear that she recoiled from but at times seemed inevitable, in S6 it is something that she is drawn towards, that disgusts her but that she takes a kind of comfort in, because it's easier than facing the mundane reality of her depression.

This yearning for her own darkness takes the physical form of Spike, who she uses for what is basically sexual self-harm. Spike steps into Faith's role as Buffy's shadow self for much of the later seasons, and , and like Faith he represents killing as hedonism, and as sex. There's no vampire who so aggressively blurs the lines of sex and death/violence as Spike. Her fear that killing is part of her nature, and her fear of her own sexual desire, are very much one and the same. When she breaks down in Dead Things, she talks about the darkness within her, and of her shame over her own sexuality.

Spike also repeats Faith's utilitarian justifications from Consequences in the episode which forms the climax of Buffy's self-destruction, Dead Things. When Buffy attempts to metaphorically commit suicide by turning herself into the police, she does it while constantly identifying herself as a killed. She repeats some variation on "I killed her" four times in just two scenes. She wants to be punished for being a killer, and not protected for being the slayer. She has grappled with this several times, and is still resolute that being the slayer does not give her a license to kill, but this time she is desperate to be seen as a killer, to give justification for her own self-hatred.

The final way S6 explores this idea is with Willow. When she is after Warren, Buffy tries to stop her, not for Warren's sake but for Willow's. She knows that taking a life changes a person, and implicitly draws on the first time she chose to take a human's life, the moment she "became a killer" on that rooftop with Faith.

Buffy (re: going to kill Faith): I can't play kid games anymore. This is how she wants it. Xander: I just don't want to lose you. Buffy: I won't get hurt. Xander: That's not what I mean. - 3x21 Graduation Day

XANDER: She should be coming down at some point, shouldn't she? I mean, back there she was out of her head ... running on grief and magicks. BUFFY: Doesn't matter . Willow just killed someone. Killing people changes you. Believe me, I know. - 6x21 Two to Go Killing Warren might have been justified given what a complete piece of shit he was - just as killing Angel was justified, just as killing Faith was, just as killing Ben was. That doesn't matter, because Buffy still recognises that the act of killing leaves permanent psychological scars, which she is still bearing.

In S7, we get the final major exploration of the "does the Slayer have a right to kill" idea in Selfless. Here, Buffy seems to have reached the conclusion that Cordelia, Faith and Spike (all her shadow selves) were right, and she does, in fact, have the right to pass judgment because she's the Slayer, when she decides she has to kill Anya.

"It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line, and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law." - 7x05 Selfless

However, I don't think the show wants us to take this as gospel. Buffy is conclusively proved wrong in this episode, since killing Anya doesn't work, and it's Willow who finds a third option that saves the day. In S7, the idea of the Slayer-as-Killer is more an incidental theme, while the central exploration is the idea of "one girl in all the world". It explores the nature of that tragedy, that Buffy is by definition alone. Because of this, she necessarily must be a killer. She does have to pass judgement, because there is nobody else capable of it. She has to be the one to hunt and kill vampires. She has to face the choice to kill Angel, to kill Faith, to kill Dawn, to kill Anya.

This is where the theme ends up - as a tragic inevitability. Buffy must always make that choice. Making the selfless choice to kill her boyfriend doesn't stop it. Avoiding the choice and dying herself doesn't even stop it. That boulder just rolls down the hill again and again, and Buffy is the only one who can push it back up. The Slayer is a killer because the Slayer is alone. So the only way to break that cycle is for the Slayer to no longer be alone. There are still elements of The Slayer, and of Buffy as a person, that are linked to death and killing, but she has mostly made peace with those parts, and now can be free of having to be "the law" too.

[damianosismyking]

from the prompt list: 3 or 6 for lamen :) love your writing sm!

Hello dear anon! Thank you so much for the prompts and kind words <3 Unfortunately, this turned out a little long. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

|Prompts chosen from this list! |

#3: “Come with me to the other room” – “We are not going to talk about this now.”

#6: “Here, take my jacket” – “I told you I’m not cold” *shivering*

~~

[1,9K words]

It had everything to be the perfect night, but of course, fucking Aimeric would ruin it.

Laurent had been impossible to convince, deadly opposed to getting out of the house unless it was indispensable, and more so getting out of the house to be somewhere loud and crowded.

In the end, Damen managed to convince Laurent through bargain: if he came with him to this one party his friend was throwing, just this time, then Damen would spend the next three months giving Laurent as many back rubs as he wished without complaint.

More than anything, Damen was just happy to get Laurent out of the house. It did him well to be around people that weren’t Damen or his coworkers for a change. To talk about things that didn’t include slide presentations and spreadsheets and whatever he saw on the TV or read on some site. Shake things up a little.

And it worked wonders. Laurent had found a clever girl with whom he connected and had been chatting for a while. He even allowed himself a soft drink (which didn’t have enough alcohol to qualify as an alcoholic beverage). Damen’s heart lurched as Laurent smiled politely, very obviously entertained.

Convinced that Laurent was fine on his own, Damen left the room to witness a drinking competition unfolding in the backyard. He fully intended to take part in it when the lightweight college boy on the left inevitably passed out.

It couldn’t have been more than five minutes. It was just enough time for Damen to step out to the backyard and see the college boy hurl his insides on the grass, and Laurent was poking Damen’s back with a brutal force.

The light quality that had been on Laurent’s face a moment ago had vanished. His jaw was locked, and Laurent seemed angry like Damen hadn’t seen in a while.

“What happened?” Damen asked, but as soon as the words were out, the reason materialized into the backyard.

Aimeric. Fucking Aimeric.

He came hand in hand with an older guy who was not Jord but might as well have been, greying beard, receding hairline and all. Aimeric’s hair had grown long enough to tie up into a bun since the last time Damen saw him. He greeted and smiled a very politician smile at some folks by the pool, making his way to them.

“What are you doing?” Laurent clutched the front of Damen’s shirt. His eyes on Damen were piercing, and Damen knew it was in an attempt to not let them travel east, to the last person any of them expected to see there.

If only Damen had known, he’d never have invited Laurent along. “Let’s go home,” he suggested.

“No,” Laurent replied steadfastly. “I want to see what you’re doing.”

Damen pulled Laurent to his side, a protective arm swung over his shoulders to keep him from view. The issue was that even trying to keep Laurent from harm, the harm had already reached him. Before Damen had a say in it, Laurent was stepping into the place emptied by the college kid, asking the host to explain the rules for the game.

Calling after him resulted in nothing. A second after, Laurent’s hands were tied back, and he was bending over shot glasses placed at the table, grabbing them with his mouth and tossing his head back to drink. He dropped the glass unceremoniously at the table to mouth the next one and the next one, down the line like it was water.

Laurent won, finishing his shots first. The next opponent took the place of the girl Laurent beat. Once again, Laurent won. He was getting ready for a third round when Damen stepped in.

“Come here.” Damen pulled Laurent closer reaching behind him to untie the hands.

“I was playing a game,” Laurent protested but ultimately allowed himself to be untied and dragged away.

Damen returned inside the house, guiding Laurent by the hand. The shots hadn’t hit him yet, but they would soon. Finally, they made it to the kitchen in search of water.

And there was Aimeric too, like a bad presage. In his heart, Damen prayed Laurent would overlook Aimeric with the back pressed to the stove talking to some guy who very evidently drooled over him.

Of course, Damen wouldn’t be so lucky, and Laurent would gulp his water while burying Aimeric with a deadly glare. It certainly didn’t help that Aimeric met the gaze and leaned into not-Jord’s ear to whisper something and giggle.

It certainly didn’t help that it happened again and again. One too many times.

If it bothered Damen, who objectively had nothing against Aimeric, he could only imagine what it did to Laurent to see his ex-friend magically pop up at every location they ran to and very conveniently start whispering to the nearest drooling idiot.

Laurent’s pupils were blown wide already and his lids heavy. It would get worse, and when it did, it was for the best if Aimeric wasn’t anywhere within Laurent’s sight.

“Come with me to the other room,” Damen whispered into Laurent’s ear.

“We are not going to talk about this now,” Laurent’s groggy response. He didn’t even bother masking that he was intently staring at Aimeric, who laughed carefree with not-Jord’s hand in his back pocket.

“Who said anything about talking?”

Laurent tagged along with Damen, wavering behind him. They crossed the restriction rope to make it upstairs, to the room area Pallas may get angry at him for invading.

But Damen knew the place, and he knew that in Pallas’ parents’ room, there was a nice balcony with a bench where he had sat more than once to get high with his friends throughout high school. It opened to the view of the sleeping neighborhood and blocked the noises from the party happening downstairs.

The night was chilly, even for late Autumn. It ruffled the tops of the trees and shifted strands of Laurent’s hair.

Damen started to remove his jacket, but Laurent rose a hand to his face. “I’m not cold.”

Laurent walked right past the bench and propped himself up to sit at the balcony with a leg hanging off each side. Damen went to stand beside him, in case Laurent lost balance.

Laurent breathed in deeply, his head lolling against a column. “I hate drinking,” he said, squeezing his eyes.

“Do you need more water?”

“No. I need to be sober.”

“Water could help you with that,” Damen pointed.

Laurent shook his head lazily. He swayed until his head hit Damen’s chest. “No.”

Damen tilted Laurent’s chin up to peck at his lips. Laurent’s mouth tasted disgusting, but he leaned in with a soft sigh, and Damen kissed him deeper. It went on for some time. When Damen pulled back, Laurent shivered.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Damen offered, tucking a strand of hair behind Laurent’s ear.

“About what?” Laurent said. His speech was even more dragged than before, but he knew precisely what Damen had referred to. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Laurent.”

“There is nothing to talk about.” Damen recognized a sign to drop the subject when he saw one.

He knew, however, that the fallout with Aimeric was still a sore spot for Laurent. And that regardless of his claims, he missed his friend. Aimeric had been one of the few people Laurent trusted enough to befriend, and after the blown-out fight that resulted in them never speaking again, Aimeric changed drastically into the role of one of Laurent’s fiercer – if not to say most dedicated – antagonists.

Laurent had been telling Damen for months that Aimeric fed people lies about him and twisted his secrets to tarnish Laurent’s image all around. Damen had thought it was the paranoia speaking, the way sometimes Laurent thought people were looking at him a certain way or laughing behind his back. But, as it turned out, Laurent had been right. The realization curled Damen’s stomach and boiled his blood.

“Are you going to tell Nicaise?” Damen asked, running his fingernails lightly up and down Laurent’s nape.

Laurent smiled. “I don’t want him to kill Aimeric.”

“Wise.”

Laurent’s eyelids grew heavier with each passing moment. His pupils were so wide his irises were reduced to little blue bands. He shivered, losing a battle against his trembling jaw. “Here,” Damen said, “Take my jacket.”

“I told you, I’m not cold.” A strong shiver followed the statement.

Damen wrapped his leather jacket around Laurent and pulled him close, resting his chin at the top of Laurent’s head, blond strands tickling his neck. There was a good chance Laurent may fall asleep like that, and Damen would have a tough time getting him off the balcony. “Are you going to throw up?”

“No. I think.”

Damen laughed into Laurent’s hair. “Come lay down.”

“I’m not in the mood tonight, Damen,” Laurent frowned.

“I meant actually lay down. You’re barely awake as it is.”

“I’m awake,” Laurent said, but he swung his leg over the balcony and hopped off, staggering on his feet.

It was an easy task to take off Laurent’s sneakers and tuck him in bed, always so impossibly pliable when he had a little too much to drink. He was reaching the worse of his drunkenness, barely capable of keeping his eyes open anymore.

“Please tell me if you need to throw up,” Damen said, sitting at his bedside just to look at him. Even poorly illuminated and wholly wasted, Laurent managed to be the most beautiful thing Damen’s ever laid eyes on.

“Lay with me,” Laurent whined.

“In a minute,” Damen said. He planned to go back downstairs once he was sure Laurent had blacked out, to explain the situation to Pallas and try to save face, but Laurent didn’t need to know that.

“You think Ric is going to hate me forever?” Laurent���s eyes were closed, face going lax. The chances he’d remember that conversation after he woke up were minimum.

Damen ran a finger down Laurent’s cheek. His face was flushed red and warm. “Will you?”

Laurent nuzzled Damen’s hand, pinning it in place with his own. “Probably.”

Laurent’s breathing evened out. He didn’t stir when Damen pulled his hand from under his or when Damen stood. To make sure, Damen whispered, “I’ll be back in a minute,” into Laurent’s ear just to see if he’d react. When Laurent remained the way he was, without a muscle on his face twitching to indicate any part of his subconscious remained awake, Damen snuck out with silent steps.

He’d bring a bucket up with him when he came back. And a bottle of water.

Before that, though, he may have a thing or two to solve with a certain brunette.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Good Help - chapter 3 - ao3 link

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Everyone was required to come to the Nightless City to pay homage to the Emperor, no matter their status, and any number of sects had chosen to pay another visit during the Emperor’s absence – whether in search of profit or merely credit for fulfilling their duties, preferably without the risk of incurring their volatile Emperor’s attention.

One of those sects was Lanling Jin.

Meng Yao felt both disappointment and relief when he learned that Jin Guangshan would not be coming himself, declining on the grounds that it was just too miserable to go without his good friend the Emperor there, though it was far more likely that he didn’t want to have to acknowledge the presence of Meng Yao, standing there in the Emperor’s place. Instead, his father sent his one legitimate son and heir, Jin Zixuan, and Jin Zixuan brought his wives.

The rumors of friendship between Wen Ruohan and Jin Guangshan were exaggerated for effect, in Meng Yao’s opinion, but there must be some basis to it. Otherwise, there was no way Jin Zixuan would have been allowed to hold such a treasure in his hands: he had married the last survivors of the Jiang clan, Jiang Yanli and her younger brother Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Yanli, at least, was considered a prize, given that she brought with her the bloodline and legitimacy of a former Great Sect and had at least a technical claim to a frankly eye-popping dowry, should the Emperor ever decide to allow her to reclaim the ownership of the Lotus Pier, even if in practice the place had been rapidly converted into a pleasure palace by his second son.

Jin Zixuan had managed to win that race, having had the advantage of being already engaged to Jiang Yanli since birth, his mother having apparently been friends with the former Madame Jiang, known better as Madame Yu. Given Jin Zixuan’s character – not known to be especially good at either politics or finance – Meng Yao was of the belief, as were many people, that he had only taken Jiang Cheng as a bride in order to please his wife by saving the life of her younger brother after the Jiang sect was destroyed, since Jiang Cheng, the son of a fallen clan, represented little more than a gigantic target on the back of anyone who might claim him.

Of course, rather than admit it, Jin Zixuan denied all such rumors and maintained consistently that he had been in love with both of them, desperately, and that had been the reason he’d petitioned for the right of marriage.

(Meng Yao also heard rumors that Wen Ruohan had found his insistence funny and agreed to the match on the condition that their marriage bed be witnessed, which sounded very much in line with what he knew of Wen Ruohan’s character – he would have enjoyed forcing them to consummate their fake marriage, luxuriated in their humiliation, and laughed when they failed to look each other in the eye later. Still, what wasn’t worth doing to preserve a life?)

At any rate, regardless of anything else, Jin Zixuan was still the Emperor’s subject, and therefore he had to come pay homage the same as anyone else. Meng Yao’s brother by blood (although frustratingly not by law) had trouble looking directly at Meng Yao during the ceremony, but he managed to conduct the ritual of swearing loyalty moderately well regardless, with no indications of disrespect and perfect etiquette. It was only after, when Meng Yao had maliciously invited him to share a cup of tea to extend the duration of the awkwardness, that something broke – and it wasn’t Jin Zixuan at all.

“Is it true?” Jiang Cheng asked abruptly, the first words he’d said in this visit, and Meng Yao turned to look at him even as Jin Zixuan’s face turned pale. “That the Emperor started fucking Huaisang?”

Huaisang, Meng Yao thought, rolling the name around in his mouth – was A-Sang originally a Jiang, then?

But no, if he was, Jiang Cheng wouldn’t have that look of desperation on his face, of longing and despair; whoever this Huaisang had been in his previous life, before he’d become an Imperial Consort, he’d been someone that Jiang Cheng had been close to. Maybe someone he had even lost his heart to.

Interesting.

Or, well – interesting, but ultimately irrelevant.

“I have no insight into the Emperor’s personal affairs,” Meng Yao said, calm and placid as ever. “Especially while he is far away on a long voyage.”

Jiang Cheng scowled at him, but his sister put her hand on his shoulder and he subsided, still looking upset.

Meng Yao decided to show pity as a stratagem to put Jin Zixuan into his debt, and said, affecting a tone of mild sympathy, “I have no reason to think that he is based on his conduct before leaving, and I understand that his travels were motivated by a search for a spiritual item capable of improving cultivation. It may be that he took Imperial Consort A-Sang with him on account of the Consort’s reputed scholarly achievements.”

To the extent A-Sang had any scholarly achievements other than carting around a scholar’s fan, anyway.

Jiang Cheng still scowled, but his shoulders relaxed a little, and Jiang Yanli sent Meng Yao a grateful look.

Jin Zixuan seemed only a little moved, picking up his tea cup and continuing the former conversation without a hitch, but when everything was done he unexpectedly reached out and caught Meng Yao’s arm.

Meng Yao tensed, but Jin Zixuan took no movement against him, only looked at him. “It was an unexpected pleasure to meet you,” he said, nothing he couldn’t have said without touching, but then his hand shifted and Meng Yao felt the prickle of paper beneath his palm.

Meng Yao put a smile on his face and said some pleasantries, and as soon as Jin Zixuan left he looked at the note he’d been smuggled.

You are being targeted, it said, which – was rather unhelpful, actually.

“He couldn’t have included more details of who, what, or when?” Meng Yao complained to A-Jue later, making sure to look piteous out of habit even though he knew A-Jue didn’t believe him at all. Or at least, he shouldn’t by this point, or else Meng Yao’s lessons on how to detect a liar were all going to waste. “I don’t know if it’s because it’s me that he didn’t want to commit to saying too much, there is that awkwardness there, but it’s not like I don’t know people are trying to kill me. I’m the Emperor’s viceroy! I’ve been making changes left and right in his absence, some of them extremely unpopular –”

And yet others that were extremely popular. He’d known the Watchtower idea would win him acclaim among the common people, and that even if the smaller sects complained about the encroachment at first they would soon – or at least, eventually – realize that it was in their own best interest.

“ – and really. He left a note! Why be ominous and vague in a note?”

“Perhaps he meant something more general,” A-Jue said.

Meng Yao looked at him, and A-Jue shrugged, averting his eyes. The action – so obviously indicating that he had something to say and wasn’t saying it for whatever reason – should have irritated Meng Yao, but by now he’d grown to find A-Jue’s thorough inability to dissemble directly rather adorable. Such a big man, older than Meng Yao, and he still blushed when he tried to lie to your face.

“You can go on,” Meng Yao coaxed. “I’m not going to be angry.”

“Don’t treat me like I’m five.”

“Who’s a big boy who knows something he’s not saying? You are, yes, you are!”

A-Jue tried to look disapproving but ended up having to hide his sniggering into his sleeve. “That’s more like you’d treat a dog, viceroy Meng. Not that you’d know, given how much you hate them.”

“I don’t hate dogs,” Meng Yao said. “I gave Jin Zixuan’s eldest a spiritual dog just last year, a husky. It’s gigantic man-eaters I object to.”

“Northern mountain dogs are a bit large,” A-Jue conceded, a little reluctantly, but in fairness at his size the mountain dogs were probably proportional in size to regular dogs. Actually, A-Jue’s accent, however blurred by time and assimilation, suggested he was from somewhere to north of the Nightless City – maybe he’d drunk the same water as the dogs growing up, explaining how he reached his current heights. “And aren’t you the one who’s always saying that you only keep things from people that they don’t need to know?”

“I like being the person to decide who needs to know what,” Meng Yao said. “Now, you clearly want to tell me, so tell me already.”

A-Jue sighed. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the job is supposed to kill you?”

Meng Yao frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You’re the Emperor’s viceroy,” A-Jue said. “He appointed you, and then he immediately left you alone to more or less run the entirety of his domain – he gave you the power of authority, to speak with his voice. That’s a pretty big promotion from chief torturer, wouldn’t you say?”

Meng Yao would not describe being the deputy in charge of the Fire Palace as ‘chief torturer’ – prisons required a great deal of management, he wasn’t just torturing people anymore – but he couldn’t exactly say that A-Jue was wrong.

He’d enjoyed his success, but he’d been startled by it, too. He’d had to fight and scheme for every last thing that he’d ever wanted, before this, and while he’d had to do more than a bit of tussling to keep this role over the overtures of the other deputies, it did sometimes feel as though this promotion came a little too easily, too suddenly.

“What do you think, then?” he asked, folding his hands together under his sleeves so no one could see how his nails dug into his flesh. If there was one thing he truly hated, it was the scorn of others, of those who thought they were better than him.

Being schemed against was a very close second.

“Some of your policies are in fact very unpopular,” A-Jue said. “Even though we both know that they’re necessary…the Emperor would know that they were necessary, too.”

“You think he wants me as what? A scapegoat?”

Wen Ruohan didn’t pay attention to things like popularity, officially taking the position that strength was all that mattered, and yet only a fool ignored such things entirely, and Wen Ruohan was no fool.

“The Emperor is friends with Jin Guangshan,” A-Jue said quietly. “Not merely for show, and although Jin Guangshan does exaggerate it somewhat, it’s not as much as people think. Before he became Emperor, back when they were peers, they would often spend time together, do things together…and your existence offends Jin Guangshan. People laugh at him for not having accepted you back then.”

That was as Meng Yao wanted. He’d wanted to rub into his father’s face how stupid he’d been – and Jin Guangshan had done nothing, had just taken it, and in retrospect that seemed rather uncharacteristic of someone of his reputation.

“So, what?” he asked, ignoring the blood on his nails from where his flesh could no longer take the pressure. “You think he’s pressing the Emperor to have me executed for failing to live up to his expectations?”

“Maybe,” A-Jue said. “And perhaps the Emperor has incentivized others to try to make you fail.”

Having people try to kill a stand-in would be a very effective way to see how those same people would try to kill you. It wasn’t a bad plan, not really, but Meng Yao really didn’t appreciate it when it was aimed at him.

“Well, that’s too bad,” Meng Yao said. “I will not fail. I will succeed, and so thoroughly that even the Emperor will be unable to deny my success – he enjoys being thought of as someone who rewards merit, and killing me would just be seen as petty. He won’t do it. I have my brain, my talent, my competence – I won’t let him.”

Assuming, of course, that he survived until Wen Ruohan’s return.

“You have me, too,” A-Jue said.

It was a nice sentiment, Meng Yao thought, and patted A-Jue on the shoulder, and A-Jue didn’t even flinch this time. He didn’t expect that A-Jue really meant it, of course – A-Jue was a guard of the inner hall, and to get that sort of position he had to be loyal to Wen Ruohan first and foremost – but it was nice of him to say it regardless.

Meng Yao wondered, briefly, if now was a good time to let his hand linger on A-Jue’s shoulder, to turn the contact into a caress. He didn’t think he’d even need to order A-Jue to his bed at this point, although he’d be more than willing to do so if A-Jue liked things like that – he was moderately sure that A-Jue sincerely liked him, and that there was more to that liking than mere friendliness or even the stirrings of loyalty. If he asked, or even just indicated interest, A-Jue would probably come to him entirely of his own volition.

And yet…

Meng Yao removed his hand, turning the conversation forcefully to some other subject, much to A-Jue’s evident relief. He was too busy, he told himself. There was no time to spend on dalliances.

And anyway –

He’d had his fill of sharing with Wen Ruohan.