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awda · 2 years

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Asteroid Destinn in Composite

What the relationship will teach you both

Asteroid code is 6583

Link to my Etsy shop for personal Composite chart readings 🖤

HIII MUERTE BABYS <3

This post gives the ick 🙁😭 I don’t really like it , though I haven’t posted actual content in a month or two and I don’t wanna leave you guys waiting more months so I just decided to give you guys this 🧍‍♀️ I’m sorry if it gives you the ick too , trust me besties I really am disappointed in myself for this one </3 Promise the next content I come out with won’t be as choppy , I’ve been going through a lot lately , my apologies 🥲 Anyways if you enjoy this post make sure to like, reblog and comment if my interpretation resonated with you! :-)

P.S. Tumblr isn’t like TikTok! So if you really enjoy this post and the rest of my Composite content, please reblog. Tumblr doesn’t have similar algorithm to bigger platforms, so in order to reach more people, reblogs are the most helpful thing you can do for your favorite content creators! Thank you! <3

ALSO P.S.‼️ I’m trying to include poly relationships because I don’t wanna offend anyone , so in most of the interpretations they’re referring to “both” as in a two person relationship , though these interpretations can apply to any relationship :-) I haven’t found a proper way to put words together so it can relate to everyone without confusing anyone at the same time so yeah my apologies 😭 Someone help me w this

Aries Destinn - This relationship is will teach you both independency. The foundation of independence. You both may feel not as connected as a couple that society expects to be. This placement is the reason behind that. You both could have issues coexisting outside of your relationship or past relationships and that is why this placement is taking affect. Depending on other aspects you both could struggle to make time for the relationship and each other in general and avoid talking about the issue as well. (1H Destinn synastry can also cover for this observaion!) This placement or should I say relationship is teaching you both that it is OKAY to have separate things from your partner, it is FINE to prioritize yourself in the end before your partner when in regards to your personal life. You do not need to prioritize your partner in EVERY aspect of your life. These couples could also struggle with differences between each other that are hard to ignore (if badly aspected). Like a opposite couple, like those couples who have COMPLETELY different interests, beliefs, religious backgrounds, political backgrounds, etc. You and your partner’s self identify may severely differ. Or if it is well aspected, including the house placement, both identities has the possibility to blend together pretty well. This relationship is also teaching you that “other halves”, “twin flames” don’t really exist from a psychological perspective. This relationship is giving you a chance to change that mindset. That you alone make yourself whole, and that you do not have to depend on someone in your love life to keep you mentally stable or be a guard dog for your physical well-being. I notice this placement also really lets you know in the end, if the relationship doesn’t happen to work out, that incompatibility is okay. There’s nothing wrong with not being romantically compatible with someone. In fact, if you didn’t notice already, you don’t EVERYONE romantically, so this placement is helping you realize not everyone has to like you back romantically, and that relationships aren’t always permanent, and that is okay. Release and acceptance is a big thing for this placement, which is why it is the most beneficial ✨

Taurus Destinn - Congratulations! 🎉 🎊 You’ve reached jackpot! Or have you? This placement is teaching you a classic, sharing is caring ✨ Taurus Destinn couples can find theirselves struggling or getting used to be financially stable with someone else, now they’re in a relationship, that needs financial support, taking it to the next level, they need to learn how to work with their partner, not just on a romance level. Have you ever heard someone say you don’t really know someone until you live with them? Haha! They’ve just experienced that Taurus Destinn influence 😈 These are the type of couples that are prone to arguing about financial issues, living together, finding a house that fits their budget AND their separate personal places (like mini offices, video game room, etc). Taurus Destinn couples are quite similar to Aries and Virgo Destinn couples, all of them have one thing in common, the differences of separate identities. Now I may have turned you completely off from Taurus Destinn PERIOD, but heard me out, that’s the whole reason asteroid Destinn exists 😉 Taurus Destinn couples, how do you both expect to be in a RELATIONSHIP, when you’re so closed off from everyone else, even when you’re single, I mean come on! Are you guys moving too fast or moving too slow? Taurus is already uncomfortable enough being in this position, so that’s why you both may experience discomfort in the relationship as well, from time to time of course. This placement is teaching you both to explore your boundaries, your limits, your options more. To get more comfortable with romance in general. This placement is common in friends-to-lovers, first lover relationships and rebound relationships, or just in general after a tough breakup that left you hopeless in romance, in finding your sweetheart. Taurus Destinn is supposed to keep you both on your feet! Love a little, live a little, laugh a little ♥️ You both could have trouble finding things you BOTH will enjoy, that you BOTH will feel comfortable with. Taurus is uncomfortable asf in this position, I REPEAT! So this is where Taurus biggest undeveloped attribute comes out… laziness! I suggest you both attempt to spice up the relationship, doesn’t have to be just in the bed if you know what I mean 😉 Really tho, I suggest you both find things to do together you both have never experienced before, make NEW memories together that you have no memory of, even if it is just the smallest thing. Try out each other’s interests together as well <3 Seeing your partner happy, I promise will make you LOVE whatever the interest is, IMMEDIATELY! 💕

Gemini Destinn - Gemini? What can I say, one of the most stereotyped signs 🥲 … This relationship is teaching you both that it isn’t just okay, it is MANDATORY that you set boundaries even with your loved ones! Gemini Destinn Couples could learn new things from their relationship and their partner, things that just stick with them, something this placement has in common with Scorpio Destinn. Taking time to ACTUALLY learn about each other is one of the biggest factors in these relationships. These couples are more likely to have a different love language, communication style and anger style than each other, just overall mentally operate entirely different than each other, which will eventually lead to confusion and splitting, cause a emotional cut off in the relationship, a emotional blockage, misinterpretation. Confidence is another factor. Learning to be self efficient, self confident, self aware without your partner’s hand. Gemini Destinn couples could feel like they’re more best friends than lovers at times. Overall this placement is teaching both to be more open minded to things separate from their own eyes, and to actually not only listen to other perspectives, try to make a effort to understand what it feels like and why it feels like for other perspectives. I suggest couple therapy to Gemini Destinn couples though with the influence of Gemini, they both may be in denial of needing this service. Creativity. Another big factor in these relationships, both operate quite differently, which is why my next suggestion if therapy is not a option, sit down and take turns talking. Like a common therapy exercise you can practice at home, one person has the ball and since is in possession with the ball, they’re the only one allowed to talk until the timer goes off. Opinions should be shared in these relationships. How can you be in a relationship with someone you never actually HEAR? You listen and refuse to HEAR. One ear out the other. Work on not invalidating each other and ACTUALLY hear each other out, ACTUALLY LISTEN to each other’s thoughts on things, and reasoning for things.

Cancer Destinn - This placement is a indication of the relationship teaching the couple that it is okay to let someone in, you don’t have to be closed off mentally from everyone. What I absolutely LOVE about this placement is that it teaches determination, desirement, it teaches to go after for what you want and stick to it, loyalty, impulsive feeling. That sometimes you’re going to be put in tough situations where you have to fight for love. Cancer Destinn couples could experience issues with their in laws like their partner’s parent(s) won’t accept the relationship. Leading to this couple being very close and protective over the peace in their relationship. If cheating unfortunately occurs in this relationship, PLEASE if you know somebody with this placement in their Composite with their partner, don’t tell them, 99.9% the partner won’t listen to you and possibly stop talking to you because of you telling them. It is honestly really sad, such a big con to this placement :-/. Cancer Destinn, like Libra/Leo/Virgo Destinn can get caught up in the idea of the “couples goal” look and feel like their relationship HAS to operate a certain way, or be 100% perfect, fit to the standards society has set for a “normal” relationship. Could not be open to trying new to things together, like to stick to what they both know they’ll 100% enjoy together, similar to Capricorn Destinn. Cancer Destinn teaches couples that boundaries are a MUST in a relationship, in all connections, no matter what. I suggest for Cancer Destinn couples to work on applying boundaries in the relationship and sticking to them without feeling guilt. Have fun. Cancer = 4H = The four elements. So be spontaneous together. FUCK social standards, run your relationship however the fuck you both want to!Create new memories together, go on long wild adventures together. Cancer Destinn couples, you have the opportunity to make a change in society with the influence of this placement. Cancer Destinn is reminding you all that you are NEVER too old to do something. While you should have crazy fun together, also appreciate the little things 💕 Appreciate the times you spent just simply watching TV together, cooking together, doing chores with each other. Four in Numerology represents contentment. Find peace in the relationship, and connect it with your inner self. This placement is reminding you the values of life & love, how love is the strongest vibration in all the planes in the Universe 💝

Leo Destinn - This relationship will teach the couple that romance is VERY diverse, there is no set four love languages. One of the easiest Destinn placements. Watch out! You’re bound to developing new kinks and finding out more about your sexual preferences from this relationship. You’ll learn all about your body and generally your partner’s body as well with the influence of this placement. So whatever worked for your last relationship in regards to s*x, it is a completely fresh slate for this connection. If this placement is easily aspected , it will also teach the couple that not everything needs a plan or a set goal , you don’t have to be so fast paced or slow paced in regards to the relationship. Society norms be like “Don’t move so fast in relationships!” , how about neither of you move at all and let the speed push you? The thing is with relationships , no relationship is the EXACT same , every relationship in the world and the universal planes is different , meaning who cares how your relationship functions? As long as it works for you both , that’s all that REALLY matters. Overall I’m pretty sure you get the gift of what Leo Destinn is primarily teaching.

Virgo Destinn - Teaches the couple that wants and needs are two SEPARATE priorities. That being picky will get you nowhere in romance. Now standards are 100% valid and should be somewhat important when looking for a romantic partner. HOWEVER those standards shouldn’t be unrealistic to the point you’re just creating a OC. These relationships also teach the couple to love their personal flaws, I think it is funny how Virgo Destinn LITERALLY makes us LOVE our flaws. Literally if you have share a Virgo Destinn with your partner, I bet your partner has flaws that you are insecure about. Like acne issues, let’s say you have struggled with acne ALL of your life and you’re so insecure about it, you don’t even wanna look in the mirror at yourself and see your reflection staring back at you because you despise of it so much. Your partner has acne too, and they may not be as insecure about it as you are, by them having acne and you too, but you being very insecure about it, soon enough you start to love your acne because it reminds you of your sweetheart 🖤 It reminds you that you love everything about your partner, including their acne, so eventually you start to love yourself too 💕✨ Sadly if this placement is heavily undeveloped, insecurity issues will be the end of this relationship. This placement is mainly teaching you that in order to love someone else, first you need to truly love YOURSELF. Virgo Destinn couples are prone to getting caught up in the relationship like Aries Destinn. Prone to cancelling important meet ups or just simple hangouts with their close friends because they want to be around their partner 24/8. They feel like they need to. Codependency issues really need to be adjusted in these relationships. Work on coexisting outside of your relationship. Making decisions without needing your partner right by your side giving you their opinion. Could feel like their day just isn’t going well or doesn’t feel right without their partner present (Also 6H Destinn Synastry can relate to that observation). Routine could be or feel super different after breakup. Depression is prone for people experiencing a breakup with Virgo Destinn in Composite. This placement is common in newly LGBTQ+ relationships, those who are just figuring out their sexuality and their sexual needs, wants and desires. Also common in marriages, relationships after a long term relationship, a relationship after a breakup that made you look for your ex in every new person that caught your eye romantically, and people just getting back into the romance scene. Familiarity is a common theme with Virgo Destinn couples, needing to be needed.

Libra Destinn - This placement is teaching the couple that it is okay to move slow in the relationship , you don’t have to sign marriage documents when the relationship is still fresh in order to prove your love for each other and to prove you want to be with each other. I notice these couples can often drift away from each other at times , though when they reconcile they’re even more interested in each other. Trust plays a important role in these relationships , if this placement has a lot of hard aspects or if it is undeveloped , it can also teach the couple that you don’t have to question everything. Libra Destinn couples could sometimes feel like they don’t 100% know their partner , or feel like the relationship isn’t 100% stable or “official”. Libra Destinn couples could’ve started off as JUST friends before they even thought of being in a relationship together. Overall this placement is mainly teaching these couples that trust and stability are in one package. You cannot have stability in a relationship without trust and vice versa you cannot have trust in a relationship without stability. This relationship’s purpose is more personal , to prepare the two for future long lasting , stable and trustworthy connections , you’re literally getting a free relationship coach with this connection , literally a free relationship therapist , free therapy advice , all thanks to Libra Destinn 💝

Scorpio Destinn - This placement is a indication of a relationship that is meant to teach the couple that new beginnings should be welcomed instead of feared. This placement is common in relationships after a tough breakup with a ex you felt like you’d never get over. I notice in these relationships the two have a set goal , or set standards just in general something to prove with this relationship. Could compare this relationship to their past relationship(s) A LOT. Not having an actual desire to build a authentic connection together , only for the looks , like I said something to prove. I remember reading about the stages of missing your ex , and two of the stages being , getting into a relationship right after recently breaking up with your ex , and the other stage that I remember making the relationship after this recent breakup VERY public and out there to the public eye , and on the same page as you left it off with your ex , so let’s say , you and your ex breakup THOUGH a couple weeks before the breakup , you both moved in together. So in this new relationship , that’s where it starts off at , right where you and your ex left everything off at. Now you and this new person is moving into together when you both have only been in a relationship for a few weeks. Overall Scorpio Destinn is teaching the couple to allow new things to remain new , to work on keeping past things past in your new connections , if they weren’t there to see it happen , why do they need a backstory?

Sagittarius Destinn - This placement is teaching the couple how to be more comfortable with unfamiliarity. As Sagittarius rules everything foreign , with this placement’s influence , you can expect a couple to be the opposite of each other. Sagittarius Destinn couples are prone to struggling with finding a “routine” or a lifestyle together they’d both fit best. I imagine Sagittarius Destinn couples to feel a bit distant from each other as a couple , feel as if the relationship isn’t actually a relationship , so this placement can also be known for helping the two feel more secure , and feel less uncomfortable in getting close with people on a romantic level. Like I said within the first few sentences , Sagittarius Destinn couples are the opposite of each other , so this placement is primarily teaching the two new things in all areas of life , new experiences. This placement is common in relationships with people who are just now putting themselves out in the world (like romance or just meeting new people in general) and people who are just now discovering new things about themselves.

Capricorn Destinn - Two words: Stability and Structure. Learning how to balance your connections in your life , learning how to separate your bonds in life without breaking them. Reminds me of “The Tower” in Tarot , usually couples sharing Capricorn Destinn personally struggle with keeping their personal life out of their love life or struggle with not letting their friends influence their decisions in their love life. Capricorn Destinn couples can find themselves struggling with a set label of their connection together and setting clear boundaries with each other. When I’m thinking of Capricorn Destinn , I’m thinking of Capricorn Moon because Asteroid Destinn is most influential to the Moon specifically , and the Moon in Composite shows how the relationship is going to more likely function and why. Meaning Capricorn Destinn couples are very prone to struggling with communicating their needs to each other. Overall the question still stands “What is Capricorn Destinn teaching the couple?” , Capricorn Destinn is teaching the couple how to work upon each other’s needs , how to effectively without causing strain , to keep the relationship personal , private , not have “editor access” to anyone else , what I mean by “editor access” is not letting people who aren’t in the relationship give opinions about the relationship and let the opinions actually shape the relationship in any other way. Let the unrealistic standards begin! Your standards are never too “high” for the right person. Sincerely Capricorn Destinn 🖤

Aquarius Destinn - Friends to Lovers? Jk. Or am I? There’s a lot of stereotypes around Aquarius in Composite charts because Aquarius usually symbolizes friendship. Though when Aquarius usually symbolizes in a Composite , this means the sign is teaching the couple that you don’t have to be # couple goals , you don’t have to fit the standards of everyone else’s relationships or how a relationship is supposed to function or how a couple is supposed to look. Only you both decide that for your relationship together. So I guess the stereotypes of Aquarius in Composite are A LITTLE true , for now until proven otherwise only in Destinn’s position. Aquarius Destinn allows you to let loose with your feelings for each other. Go crazy over each other , spend majority of your time with each other. Aquarius in Destinn’s position almost feels a little too good to be true , like this placement is literally a gift from the stars , the stars know you’ve been through a lot , so in reward they’re giving you this carefree placement <3

Pisces Destinn - A breath of fresh air , at last… not for the interpretation of the placement , but for me because this post took SO LONG to finish ☠️ Anyways Pisces Destinn couples can often mirror each other , in a way where they’ll call their partner out for their shit but in reality it is their shit too. The placement of matching energy would be Pisces Destinn ✨ This placement can confuse the couple A LOT at first because they’re used to their own shit but now they’re in a relationship with someone who also has the same attributes of their shit. It contradicts EVERYTHING! Literally. Worst case scenario this placement is followed by hard aspects or is SEVERELY undeveloped , then boom! You’re in a relationship with someone of COMPLETE opposite of you. Not the cute opposite couples , with different aesthetics and clothing style , no , opposite TRAITS of each other. So the lesson set for these couples are pretty clear , Pisces Destinn is teaching the couple to work with each other and if you think about it this is more of a personal placement because with the mirror affect , it is showing the couple traits of themselves that can be overbearing at times , like a narrator’s perspective almost. Pisces Destinn reminds me of the glasses they give you at the movie theatre to watch the movie. Sometimes with Pisces Destinn , you could feel like a outsider on your own relationship.

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FINALLY OVER WITH THIS POST IM SO FUCKING HAPPY OK BYE

I LOVE YOU GUYS <3 SO SORRY FOR MY ABSENCE 🥲🖤

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ruby-white-rabbit · 2 years

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Things that don't happen on Tumblr for new bloggers:

Monetization. If that's a thing, it's new/rare. Just because you get a lot of followers, doesn't mean you get paid for it. We're broke hoes here.

Virality. A post may get popular, but that again doesn't mean you will. I can name at least 5 well known posts of mine that people have seen SOMEWHERE. They keep getting stolen and I have been sitting at 7k followers for nearly a decade, which is how long I've used this site. They have collectively over a million notes and I have not received a single cent for any of that chaos.

People don't know you. Honestly I've been in discords and had people talk about my posts and they freak out when they realize "oh shit that's you???" My name is the same there as here. No one really pays attention to the URL unless it's funny. (Like one-time-i-dreamt- and even then it comes after the post and people have to check). They know your posts unless you did something fucked up like Old Dogs or Pizza.

Algorithms. Thank GOD you can actually curate your own experience and have things posted in order but to continue that you have to REBLOG/share from others. Liking is fine, but no one is gonna see it if it isn't shared. You don't even have to add a comment. If you do but don't want it on the post, you can put it in the tags. It's fine.

Also, sharing/liking things from AGES ago? Also fine! Posts get brought back all the time. "It's that time of year again!!" No one will judge if something from 5+ years ago is shared or liked.

There used to be cliques because the aesthetic/hipster blogs had their whole posting thing, and then there was the fandom blogs. There were the porn blogs (like legit porn not just bots), sport blogs, literally anything themed blogs because that's what people liked. They followed blogs they liked the content of and shared it. Some people, like me, don't HAVE a theme and post whatever they like. Or, have side blogs for other purposes like special interests or I like to Roleplay and use them for my characters.

If you want followers, you have to interact more than just liking. You have to share things, post things, so people can FIND you. And it sometimes takes time. You gotta curate your experience and people will do the same and find and follow you. And not everyone interacts. Again I have 7k followers, quite a few I consider friends, and I don't get asks. I don't get interaction that way but I see my friends in my likes and reblogs.

Tumblr is a whole other beast compared to tiktok or twitter and Instagram. And that's OKAY. ITS GOOD.

It Tumblr a broken trashfire of a site? Also yes but we love it because it's still OURS and not some megacompany using us for money. We can be weird here. We literally lost Yahoo MILLIONS of dollars and weird we remain. They bought us for 1 billion and sold us for 3 million. We don't play cooperate games here. So stop expecting the algorithms to curate to you. Be your own person and make your own experience.

#long post

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mywifeleftme · 3 months

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297: I Giganti // Terra in bocca (Poesia di un delitto)

Terra in bocca (poesia di un delitto) I Giganti 1971, Ri-Fi

Today was the day I think I finally turned heel as a record collector. There’s a cute little shop not far from my house that specializes in CDs, but has a modest used vinyl selection. Most of it is very basic fare (I’ve never seen so many Blood, Sweat & Tears records in one place in my damn life), but all priced like it’s ten years ago and the vinyl speculating bubble never happened. I ducked in for the first time last week, and after some assiduous digging plucked some outrageous gems: an original pressing of Junior Kimbrough’s All Night Long and a Canadian OP of Richard & Linda Thompson’s I See the Bright Lights Tonight! The first goddamn Exuma record for $11! I even found Roger Miller’s debut, a theoretically dirt common record that’s nonetheless eluded me for years. I walked out with easily $250 worth of squeaky-clean wax I actually wanted for less than $100.

But rather than just enjoying my good fortune, it set the blackly gleaming coils of avarice inside me into motion. I’d snagged a cool little compilation of Bengali playback songs by Aarti Mukherjee for $12 from their modest little Indian music section (a record I had to add to Discogs myself), and while grooving to it I decided to look up a couple of the others I remembered seeing there. That’s when I discovered the Lata Mangeshkar record I’d briefly considered at $15 last sold on Discogs for almost $380. Reader, I try to suppress my Jungian Deals for Deals’ Sake shadow, but through my father’s side of the family tree I’ve inherited a deep streak of flea market cretinism. I fear this situation has made it ascendant. The shop was closed the day I made my dark Discogs discovery, so I waited, slavering, for the following morning, whereupon I told my coworkers I had to walk a traveling friend’s dog and would pick up the hour at the end of my shift, and shambled to the store to see if my dusty prize was still there.

Portrait of the collector courtesy the Royal Arachnological Museum

I felt as though I were robbing the mom and pop shop as I clutched the LP to my chest, telling myself that at least their small selection of recent extreme metal records were neatly labeled with little post-it notes that indicated the shopkeep had compared his stock with Amazon’s algorithmically-deranged marketplace, but I knew I was only lying to myself. These poor sods didn’t know about Discogs. Only I did, and it had merely cost me a shred of my soul. I bought the Mangeshkar, and two Bengali records of unclear value, though one is autographed. And I bought this dorky Italo prog record reissue on blue vinyl that I have far less legitimate musical interest in than the Mangeshkar, purely because some Greek psychopath is trying to sell his copy for $300 US, and other pressings are starting at $75 and up. It’s a concept album about the Mafia that was so thoroughly censored by Italy’s corrupt media it was practically unknown till the ‘90s, which, as a backstory, objectively rocks. A lot of it sounds like Jesus Christ Superstar, which objectively sucks. I Giganti thank Karl Marx on the back of the sleeve but include a poem by the horny proto-fascist Gabriele D’Annunzio in the gatefold, who pioneered Mussolini’s tactic of haranguing crowds from his balcony window and in an unrelated incident later fell out of a window and hurt himself so badly he had to withdraw from politics, which is confusing. The album itself is… fine really, has some cool Mellotron, though I’d rather hear Goblin play The Godfather theme. Someday I will try to sell it for a profit, but if God is just the bubble will collapse before then and I’ll be entombed with it.

youtube

297 reviews in, I am finally lost.

297/365

#i giganti #italian prog #progressive rock #greed #avarice #'70s music #unflattering self-portraiture #'70s prog #music review #vinyl record #this is so stupid #i am so stupid

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bluepuppethidinginafilingcabinet · 1 year

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here we go again y’all

guess what guys it’s time for another episode of puppet history and my good student note taking.

right off the bat. chains on the box. yelling about said box. suspicious box.

also i have a feeling that brian david gilbert being here to win isn’t gonna end well for him. sad.

shade being thrown at new york

i love a good defenestration

charles university is in fact a boring name.

i feel like the professor being so chill about ryan calling him a douchebag was odd

i would hate to be found dead in my bathrobe

yeet out the window indeed

yes ryan we do have a word for throwing people out windows

example window scares me

why’d the professor seem a little distraught about the idea of being thrown out the window. i feel like normally he’d just threaten right back. this is odd. i might just be paranoid.

classic too many popes problem

no i do not know the name of the most important czech religious reformer of the 15th century.

welp none of those options seem more obvious than the others

why are they making the professors head larger and larger. i’m scared.

i do think that this guy has some really good point

that was a good chip joke. 12/10

“oh, yeah you murdered someone, well pay me 50 bucks and you can still go to heaven” is the same energy as “oh, you murdered someone? you got 40 bucks?” from the keddie cabin episode of unsolved

so true ryan bergara. you did not successfully murder anyone. or have you?

i don’t think jesus wanted people to die martyrs.

i love a good ritz cracker

too many jans

so true professor. everyone is exactly as they seem.

i mean showing up to church armed is certainly a choice.

um professor. heh. yeah. that is wild. can’t imagine that happening. at all. nope.

i love just throwing a bunch of people out a window

example window is still scary

thud from behind the theatre. was that supposed to be suspicious or was it just strange.

agreed not enough kicking pits.

honestly ryan as president would not be the worst president the us has had. not by a long shot.

is that the isaac newton puppet???

horse noises horse noises???? that’s not right. also i thought she was also dead????

also did the horses go to limbo when they died? because they were alive. i have so many questions.

the ad was uhhh something else

why defenestration? because why not

i love being drowned impaled and crushed by a wheel

i don’t know what creatively gruesome way i’d want to go. maybe i’ll come back to this.

i suppose being hurled out a window could be embarrassing.

dude being thrown off a church’s steeple would suck so hard

catholic lion brunch sounds like a nice little sunday activity

THEY BEHEADED TWELVE PEOPLE???? THATS SO MUCH WORK

you know maybe defenestration was the only thing they knew

mayor tossed out window? meh.

yeah why would you kill the person then throw them out the window???

oh boy here we go again

ah yeah that hot new sound of broken glass

yeah keep destroying stuff. that’ll end well.

great. good. mock trials.

aw nice upstairs.

ah fuck

i really do not like the example window

taking the hats is rude but also very funny tbh

“we’ll soon see if his mary helps him out” a banger of a line

very impressive to survive that fall.

b for blunder.

OH NO NOT THE BEES AND THE BASKETBALLS. PROFESSOR THATS NOT THE JOKE. PLEASE.

they really fell into literal shit

why did the professor sound weird.

there does seem to be a lot of piles of shit just laying around

almost martyr is in fact a really useless title

yay another war! - said no one ever

i hope this war isn’t 80 years long

oh good it’s not

BUT WHERE IS MY C DOGS BUT DAMMIT

we’re back to bathroom guy

i highly doubt that’s the last defenestration ever

oh boy musical number time

not the window

oh yeah just an angry mob. it’s fine.

really appreciate the emoticons in the lyrics

ryan looks concerned in a different way than usual

banger as per usual shane, congrats.

oh oh boy oh no

THE ALGORITHM ACTUALLY EXISTS???????

also the professor be glitching

lmao not the soaring performance

the professor out here ignoring the algorithm

oh boy it’s the puppet crème again. it scares me. especially the spelling crème like that

ryan lost the auction against connie huh? fucking connie.

the professor’s little head tilting

also he’s failing to lie so hard

oh yay i love the weird little voice change. not uncomfy at all.

aw ryan drives him home

uh huh normal work. sure.

why are there jelly beans all over the fucking floor of the theatre

love a staring contest with the moon

oooo not the flashback

okay egg. egg hatching.

shane what are you up to. what’s going on. i have so many questions.

#watcher #watcher entertainment #we are watcher #all hail the watcher #ryan bergara #shane madej #puppet history #puppet history season 5 #the professor #brian david gilbert

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pbandjesse · 7 months

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Today was a super productive day and I want to be proud of it even if it kind of was soured at the end. I'm going to try and be positive though because it was a good day.

I slept a little easier last night. Because I took a melatonin. And I was able to sleep an extra half hour. Which was great. When I got up James was getting ready to leave. Smooch goodbye. And I finished getting ready. I changed the totebag James put my lunch in. And then I was off. James had put the vacuum in the car for me. So once I made it to work, after a fine drive in, I would finish cleaning the car. The vacuum isn't as strong as it could be but it got a lot of the nature grit out of the carpet at least.

I had a thought about hanging my hammock from the rafters in the art building. So after I painted another layer on my MWEE sticks I hung it up. And it's a little high off the ground, and a little precarious but it works! I am very pleased about this development. Though I do think it's funny that I have not considered this in 4 years.

I headed to the office and Heather and me would jump into the gator and deliver a wheelbarrow and some shovels and rakes to the tipi field. And then she dropped me off at the office before she went to start meeting the volunteers from BGE at the lodge.

I would grab my pliers and phone and drink and walked over there too. I would tell her about internet drama and algorithms and she was shocked about things like dog whistles and the manosphere. I will be the internet touchstone for camp. Make sure the kids aren't saying horrible things

It took a while for all the volunteers to come through. I directed them to sign up for different areas. And soon we were getting a safety speech from the woman who organized the project. And then we were breaking up into our groups and we were off.

I have 7 people working with me. And they were lovely. I would point out everything and go through our list of things to do. Which I think may have overwhelmed them a bit. One of them said we should work on one at a time. Which was fair. I asked for us to work on the construction debris behind the chicken run. And they did such a good job!! We worked together and they got all of it out and up to the top of the hill. I had a few of them cutting things down with the sawzalls they had and one nice guy got the slide lock off the old door and installed it on the gate like I wanted.

It wasn't all perfect though. There wasn't a way for us to salvage the bird net. And then when two of my guys were moving a log disturbed a ground wasp nests. Got stung twice. Thankfully the one that was allergic to bees ran away and was not stung. But man I felt bad someone got hurt.

We were terribly productive though. We got everything on my list done. The construction pile at nature. The holes filled. The rocks moved. I was so proud of us. Sarah would be driving the truck back and forth collecting all the debris. And her group would also get all the same moved and the beds stored in the basement and it was just great. We were making such good progress.

I would send most of my group and her group to go move the rocking chairs to the porch. I had slide them all down the to the drive way but I couldn't pick them up so I would leave them to it.

The person delivering the lunch was up there and I would help him out and sign for the food. I called Heather to make sure that was okay and what to tip him. Because I was like. I don't know if I'm allowed to tip you because it wasn't my money but I got a number and was able to pay him and it all worked out.

Me and Sarah would grab two guys from my team and they helped us get the last few rail road ties and then load up ten 75lbs into the truck. Those two guys were gems for helping through the first few minutes of lunch. Me and then would walk back to the lodge while Sarah drove the truck to the office where we would toss the concrete later.

I set up two more tables because I didn't think there was enough seats. And hung out with Elizabeth and Heather and had sodas while we talked about what got accomplished. I was super proud of us.

We were able to have some pizza and salad too. And I made sure we saved some for Sarah. But soon Sarah and Chloe would join us.

I didn't expect to be so tired. We would just sit and be so tired while everyone else finished eating and went outside for a group photo. Me and Chloe talked a out the ceramic class. My guess was right and only me and her are signed up right now. We need at least one more person to sign up. We are trying to convince Sarah. Maybe we could get Heather in too. We will see what happens. Fingers crossed.

I would drive the gator up to the Hogan to move the benches inside and take the new sand. The space looks so good. I'm really happy. Moving the benches was heavy work but I got it done.

I drove up to stockade to grab something I left in Hudson bay and was still so happy with how clean it was. And the. To the art building.

I put some stuff away and chilled in the hammock for a few minutes. But eventually I wandered to the office.

Where I came into angry words. Joe was not happy about some of the projects that were done today. And he was no speaking as kindly as I would have wanted. Like don't speak unkindly to Heather. She looked so sad. We were so excited and he didn't even want to see what we accomplished. He just wanted to be mad about what wasn't done or that things weren't done the way he wanted. And like I really like Joe! But I felt like he was throwing a tantrum. He stormed out and Heather literally had teary eyes. So I was frustrated by that.

Me and Sarah discussed our Friday plans since we will be here alone. But because now we were trying to calm down hurt feelings we needed to go collect tools and things right then. We drove around camp and collected tools and buckets and tarps. Which was fine. I was staying a little later since I came in later. I was feeling some kind of way though.

We ran into Rachel and Aubrey and it was nice to see them. We got to show them our hard work and they made us feel good about it. We would soon say goodbye to them though and headed to the dumpster. Where we found Joe climbing around. Probably seeing if there was wood he wanted. But everything was full of nail and had been outside in piles for over a year and some was there for 3+ years so if you actually wanted it you had time to get it. But whatever. I just hope he didn't hurt himself.

Me and Sarah would finish up the stuff we needed. Except for the tarps. Because they are damp and I'm not sure what to do with those. I thought we could lay them on the field but unsure if that was done the way I wanted. But it's all good we'll figure it out tomorrow.

For the last thing of the day I took a video of Elizabeth pulling the raffle name out of a pumpkin. We are happy for the winner even if we didn't know who this person was. Still really exciting.

I went home after that. And got stuck in some traffic. With people who can't merge. But it's fine. I was home before 530. I was a little frustrated bringing things inside because I kept dropping my keys. James yelled down from our window but they did not come down and help but I forgive them.

They were making dough. They would have pizza for dinner. I opted for a salad later on. For the first hour I was home I just wanted to lay on the couch and hear about their day.

We would clean the kitty litter. And James got the vacuum from the car because I hadn't brought that in. And they would play DND and make me a salad. And eventually I would keep working on catching snails (and snail eggs) from the frog tank. I cleaned that for a bit. And once that was to a good enough place I went and took a shower.

Now I am cozy in bed with James and Sweetp. I need to go lotion my face but I am tired and ready to sleep. Thankfully my body isn't aching to bad but it is surprisingly warm in here. I hope a fan helps.

Tomorrow we have indigo back. And I'm looking forward to it in ways. And not in other ways. But it will be good. I hope. I'm looking forward to seeing Celia.

I hope you all have a good night. Take csre of each other. Sleep well. Until next time.

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takiisieju · 1 year

Note

For the Jjjba Valentines search algorithm please:) Dont feel pressured👍

YOU:

Height: Barely in the average category

Appearance: Im pretty conventionally attractive to my friends standards at least

Personality: Energetic, soft-hearted, and passionate

Red Flag: Im genuinely socially inept, I dont activally embaress myself and others but I wont approach people and can be really short and cold when someone starts a conversation with me cause I dont know what to do.

Other: Im admittedly a lil empty-headed mot really stupid but my brain definitely has a cobweb problem. This is my first time doing anything like this so i hope I did it correctly.

YOUR VALENTINE: Preferred gender: Pref Male

Polyamorous relationship: acceptable

Preferred height: above average😔i am so gay for tall men

Preffered Appearance: Im fine with anything:) But pref average or a lil above

Red flag: Someone who is activally mean to animals and children.they can dislike them I don't particularly care for a lot of children myself, but I wont stand for someone being a dick and harming Kid or Dog

Characters you absolutely don't want: ciocolatta and his weird dog😭 and Dio.

Dios attractive and all but I got beef with him for killing Danny.

(Apologies for the poor grammar)

Hello, my darling!

Please don't worry, I am absolutely delighted to help!

Your Valentine this year is going to be... Caesar Zeppeli! He is a man of great passion, so you will match on that account. I have a feeling he'll be both patient with you and protective of you when you don't want anybody to bother you for a while. And I just know he'll be so pleased with a soft-hearted partner, I mean, it's tiring to be always surrounded by the tough and the stoic, sometimes you gotta be more vulnerable.

I hope you are pleased with the result.

Love,

Dr. True Love

The rules of the Valentine’s game

#valentine's day #takii's valentine's game #caesar zeppeli #caesar x reader #caesar zeppeli x reader #fanart #digital sketch #jjba #battle tendency #jojo's bizzare adventure

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thenightlymirror · 1 year

Text

So, even if I watch something normal, I latch on to things in it that are marginal. This is just a fun thing to do. Obviously, on this blog—which is to say—in my head, that’s the entire justification.

There is no sincere fantasy of connecting to more people through watching what they watch and connecting to it (for me). I just don’t want what they want, and I don’t want to want what they want.

I always remember this moment with my brother’s wife. We were canoeing with a bunch of people, and I just felt alienated, as always. I mean, surely you reading this understand. But for my brother’s wife, she was like, “Why?” Now, for her, she imagined that I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be among these other people because I was fat. Which… hahaha if I had a fucking flame thrower in that moment. No. That’s not it. But thanks for sharing your opinion so freely. Haha

I think for me, just immanently, around a lot of people, I just don’t hear a single thing that sounds interesting to me. I just can’t relate. Sports, TV, what they make fun of. They just always say the same things, and anything I think is weird and not worth considering. It’s not just intelligence. It’s like I operate on an algorithm where I am looking for things that don’t bore me to death, and it makes me an alien. I realize this comes from being over-sensitive and having a few unrelatable experiences as a kid, and to justify my own existence to myself, I just developed this way.

I feel like, decades ago, it was just kind of accepted that either you were mainstream or you were counter-culture. But I think psychologizing everything has gotten down to: that doesn’t explain to me why you’re still a miserable asshole. Fair. Ok. Fine. Haha I know. But it does. I fucking hate the way the world is. That makes me miserable. Stop doing that to me. I’ll try to be less miserable about the things I can control.

I assume what’s going on is that I get too attached to nuances that are really just veiled feelings of alienation in other unrecognizable forms. So, I’m like, Hey Buddy, have you considered this topic of conversation!??? And it’s like, No, because that’s just another form of misery and loneliness, and this is a party, and I’m not just trying to hide in the kitchen and pet the dog until he finds someone cooler to hang out with. And some people are. Some people really just want to find you, and talk to you, and say, did you see this thing I saw? That foretold the dying of the whole world? Wasn’t it something? Did you feel it too?

I did. It’s all I can think about.

But there’s quite a lot of people who just haven’t experienced depression. Grandpa died once. They got over it. They thought about war once. They got over it. Sometimes they like looking at pictures of car accidents on the internet. But they’re not really that tough. They were just testing their boundaries at a time in their life when things were pretty bad. They’re better now.

And that’s the fate, merciful fate, of most regular people. They don’t live in the crisis of the world. They don’t experience it personally, because really, you were someone who was once in a personal crisis, and the very real crisis of world-wide nuclear war was just a metaphor for you. And it stuck. Now that personal crisis is the real world, and you’re gonna need politics to de-couple it. Oops. You idiot. Too real. You fucked yourself. Good luck changing the world.

Anyways. I can be awkward on camping trips. And anywhere else. I’m not quite so bad as I was, and I’m a pretty funny guy who can survive most things gracefully. But my resting-ok is very different from most people’s. I still know global warming is happening when I’m in love. It just doesn’t bother me personally. It bothers me mostly when I realize some idiot has just never taken a moment to really consider it and have a bad few years about it. What the hell is wrong with that guy? What the fuck. It hasn’t seasoned your humor, your joy. It makes you disgustingly boring to me. I don’t feel like it’s my fault. Its definitely yours. I just want to be anywhere else.

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feuervogel · 1 year

Text

I posted 1,843 times in 2022

That's 378 more posts than 2021!

13 posts created (1%)

1,830 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sophiamcdougall

@edgeofpanic

@ironedorchid

@dirtyzucchini

@bossymarmalade

I tagged 1,824 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#cats - 98 posts

#lol - 72 posts

#art by op - 65 posts

#tumblr - 54 posts

#tik toks - 53 posts

#art - 52 posts

#memes - 46 posts

#humor - 33 posts

#uk politics - 28 posts

#hellsite (affectionate) - 28 posts

Longest Tag: 127 characters

#especially since my sister had a completely different relationship with her and wouldn't understand if i talked to her about it

My Top Posts in 2022:

Recent media viewing

I decided to open up Netflix the other day and watch the Sandman adaptation. It's as good as everyone has been saying it is! And episode 5 has some gross bits that you'll see coming if you're paying attention (also, the nice black lady and her dog don't die, if you're worried about that). The Corinthian is EVEN CREEPIER in live action.

I spent a lot of time thinking "God, that actor looks and sounds familiar" whenever the Corinthian was on screen, but I looked him up and he wasn't in anything else I've seen, so I guess he's just got That Kind Of Face (or at least lower half of it, since he's got dark glasses on 95% of the time.)

While I was on Netflix, they showed me recommendations, as algorithms do, and I browsed the anime selection to see if there was anything to add to my (extremely long) watchlist.

I decided to watch Tekken: Bloodline, because deep in my heart of hearts, I love 2D fighting games. Not at all because I've been a JinHwo shipper since the early 2000s, nope. Anyway, it's a Netflix original, originally voiced in English. The voice acting ranges from fine (Jin, Hwoarang, Nina, Paul) to cringe (Jun, Xiaoyu) to comical (Heihachi), and for some completely unknown reason, Heihachi's assistant uses weeb-Japanese and says "hai" when she could say "yes, sir." (Like, this is the ONLY Japanese in the show. I'm not counting uses of sensei, because that's been borrowed into English as a martial arts term, or the time Paul says "Mishima Zaibatsu," because that's been in the US versions of the game since forever.)

Is it any good? It's not bad... It's basically the plot of Tekken 3, with references to 1&2, with Jin finding out about his family and Heihachi being a total asshole (I mean, duh). The character designs are weird, like their faces are too small for their necks and chins are too pointy, and somehow Jin looks like Heero Yuy in profile. I laughed a couple times (Paul (or maybe Nina): You two are friends? Jin & Hwoarang (unison): NO!) and may be on the way to shipping Jin/Hwo/Xiaoyu because they're ADORABLE.

When I got my new computer for Xmas, it came with a free 3-month trial of Apple TV. I didn't do anything about it until they sent me an email that it would go away if I didn't use it, then I signed up. There's actually a good bit of good stuff on there, so I'm keeping it for 4.99 a month.

Severance: suuuuper creepy SF mystery/thriller? where people can sign up to get implants that sever their work lives from their home lives so they can work on something so secret, even their work-selves don't know what it is. Season 1 ends with a massive cliffhanger that was extremely brave, because S2 hadn't been confirmed yet. (It is now.) It stars the guy from Parks & Rec and guest stars Christopher Walken.

The Essex Serpent: based on a book, apparently. Tom Hiddleston plays a vicar who lives out in the wilds in the 1880s or so; Claire Danes is a recently widowed paleontologist. Hiddles is utterly charming, as always; Danes is a bit flat, as always (I've always liked her, but she has about 2 expressions: confused and sad). There's a doctor who wants to date her, and her BFF/maid ALSO wants to date her, but she's only got eyes for the vicar (who's married, of course). Anyway, she hears rumors of a sea monster in the river and goes to investigate it, which is where she meets the vicar and so on. You can tell it's going to be a romance, but that part is somehow not compelling.

For All Mankind: space race AU where the Soviet Union gets to the moon first and NASA has to catch up. A lot of the real-world timeline is changed in ways that are good (space shuttles! moon base!) and bad (USSR doesn't collapse). In season 3, there is an extremely honest depiction of Gay Life in the 90s and of the within-group politics of assimilation or not. I lived through it (before I knew I was queer, or admitted it anyway), and it still punched me in the gut. We've made so much progress in the last 30 years that it's easy to forget just how terrible it was back then and that Don't Ask Don't Tell was the progressive compromise. It made me think about all the puriteens here on tunglr dot com and the stupid discourse about ~flawed media~ and ~problematique~ stuff. They should watch it and maybe fucking learn some history.

The end of season 3 is dfjhadkjghk;djkhgojwhjdfxhvjh basically and season 4 can't come soon enough.

5 notes - Posted August 20, 2022

G witch ep 6

That was extremely fucked up.

They're speed-running all the super fucked-up bits from UC and 00. Good job.

9 notes - Posted November 6, 2022

I have a very specific request, and I'm sure someone here can point me in the direction of acquiring this. (These, I guess; there are two specific fannish things I've wanted for a while.)

The litany against fear, in its entirety, in calligraphy or similar. Not twee. (I'm not actually into Dune, but having basically cognitive behavioral therapy on my wall might help me with my stupid anxiety.)

The Discworld DEATH bit "to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape", with or without the rest of the speech. (It's a long speech and would make the piece too busy.) Not twee. Potentially illustrated with silhouettes in the background behind the text.

I have no artistic ability nor any skill at graphic design, and I lack the patience for calligraphy. Thinking about embroidery or cross-stitch makes my fingers hurt. (My mom was an avid cross-stitcher and taught me when I was a kid. I could never hold the needle properly.)

Type of item: poster up to A2 size

Price: up to around 20 € each

13 notes - Posted September 5, 2022

I can't be the only person who wants directors or whoever makes these decisions let Oscar Isaac have his gorgeous salt and pepper hair. A grown-ass man, silver at the temples, charming smile. Please?

Also I saw a comment about Dune that said they "aged him up" to play Duke Leto, and it took everything I had in me not to comment "oh, you mean they didn't make him dye his hair?"

32 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Been playing Disco Elysium and I tried on some new pants.

[ID: screenshot from the video game Disco Elysium

YOU - I like regular, normal things.

VOLITION - Mhm, I know you do. These interisolary pants are like wearing a perfect *compromise* in your nether regions. No one will call the Moralintern on you like this, that's for sure.

You're a little more moralist now, buddy. A little more *normal*. Even if you didn't want to be.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - Makes sense. This is what wearing boring office trousers does to you.

end ID]

39 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #lol

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squishmallow36 · 2 years

Text

Keeper of the Lost Prepositions - Seventeen

Word count: 1.9k

Tw: none

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @ichor-on-my-hands @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @snowflakewolves @poppinspop @crystallinewalker @uni-seahorse-572 @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @books-over-boys @florida-llama-46 @when-wax-wings-melt @k00laidcrush @bowlcut-boyfriends @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizznee @jamesdeangf

On Ao3 or below the cut!

About halfway through watching Up, I get hungry, and so I venture to the kitchen for sustenance.

I grab two more slices of Mallowmelt, mildly tempted to get something that isn’t entirely sugar, and then I think about how much I want to eat the said Mallowmelt.

When I get back to my room, I give Wonderboy the second piece of Mallowmelt because I’m feeling nice, and, in the movie, I missed the introduction of a talking dog.

Just before the end of the movie, I think my infrared glasses on which I have been working are ready to be tested.

Logically, I put them on, which has an implied prepositional phrase before you start arguing with me.

I look around, and it is, for the sake of time, weird.

You know the thing that humans call the universe’s baby picture? I’m not one hundred percent sure of its name, but I think it’s the cosmic microwave background, or CMB.

Back to the glasses, they have shades of basically every visible colour, excluding violet, and, no, you can’t call it purple. They’re different. Violet is a colour on the visible electromagnetic spectrum, and purple is a mix of red and blue.

Okay, I think that getting distracted with this many different sciency things is a sign that I’ve spent way too much time working on techy things today.

Anyway, the glasses look like they work. I can definitely tell that there’s a Fitz-shaped blob sitting on my bed next to me, watching a movie I should be also watching.

Oh, that’s cool. The laptop lets off infrared heat too so I think I can watch the movie in super-saturated glowing colours.

I take them off, assuming that if I spend too much time looking through them, they’ll give me a headache, because those are some vibrant colours.

After the movie, I say, “I’m just going to have to test that these work on Biana, and then, well, we could have an anti-vanisher device!”

Fitz claps at that, and asks, “Can I test them? Please?”

I concede, “Sure. Two conditions though.” I wait for him to begrudgingly agree before continuing, “One. You will treat them with the utmost care. They will not be broken when you bring them back to me. Two. You will test them on Biana and/or your Mom, and only them, until tomorrow morning, when Biana inevitably makes you come back here. Don’t go hunting down your brother. I will find you.”

“Okay, Mr. Scary Technopath”

“I mean it, Keefe.”

“If I’m Keefe, then are you Foster?”

“Perhaps.”

“Did you just use ‘perhaps’ unironically in a sentence?”

“I’m tempted to say it again, but that would ruin the point. But, yes.”

“What are we watching next?” Fitz asks as the credits rolled on Up.

We took too long to make a decision, so Netflix decided for us, playing another Disney movie, this time Beauty and the Beast.

I don’t really understand how it chose that next, but human algorithms are weird sometimes.

I figure ‘Why not?’ and let it keep playing, actually paying attention for the first time.

Okay, fine, you got me. I snuck a couple glances at Fitz.

And by a couple glances, I mean watching him half the time.

But I pay enough attention to understand the plot, so doesn’t that have to count for something?

I think so.

Change my mind.

And are you really going to blame me for watching Captain Perfectpants over there?

His hair’s so adorably messy today and everything.

I mentally sigh, not wanting to alert Fitzy to anything, but needing a good sigh.

After Beauty and the Beast ended, I, subconsciously, worried about how much time was being wasted, not working on anything of importance, but I’ve already done enough today.

The next movie is another Pixar one, called Wall-E, which I’m kind of disappointed I didn’t watch first.

It’s all about two cute little robots.

And also fat people in space that have to float around in chairs because of the effects of artificial gravity after they destroyed the Earth with all of their trash.

After all the Neverseen problems are solved, I am one hundred percent making a chair like the ones in the movie.

‘Cause I can.

Does anyone ever need more of a reason than that?

Answer: yes. Case in point: ability restrictor.

Do I care? In this case, no. Not even a little.

While I’m studying Fitz again during this movie, I notice that he really wanted to yell at the characters, which is pretty dang cute.

But that had nothing on how adorable he is when he laughs at the idea of a pizza tree at the very end.

Somehow he knows what pizza is. I mean, I know he visited human cities for like nine years when he was looking for Sophie, and a few times after that, but, like, I didn't know he actually paid enough attention to know what pizza is.

Exile, I barely know what pizza is. Food isn’t exactly the first human thing that I’ve decided to study.

In an instance of absolutely perfect timing that will never happen again even if we tried, Mom calls me to dinner as soon as the credits start rolling on Wall-E.

I pause the movie, shut the laptop, and bolt for the dining room.

Fitz walks into view after I have already settled into my seat, saying, “I didn’t know you were that hungry. I would have made more Mallowmelt if I’d known.”

I laugh. “I’m not that hungry, and please don’t make any more Mallowmelt. Either you get here before the triplets, or you don’t bother going at all. There’s no telling what they could’ve snuck into your food.”

“Well, he’s not wrong,” Dad states, appearing behind Fitz, who is standing in the doorway.

“I should probably get going. Biana hasn’t hailed me that dinner is ready yet, but I’m sure it’ll be soon,” Fitz says, stepping out of the doorway to let Dad into the room.

“I didn’t realise you were here, Fitz, but there’s no need to leave. We’re more than willing to have you for dinner,” Mom says, bringing out glasses of Lushberry juice.

It goes with everything if you try hard enough.

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” Fitz replies, his accent somehow crisper when he’s being formal.

And there goes the blush.

“I insist,” Mom says.

Fitz is trying, and struggling, to find a reason to go home as the triplets barrel into him from behind.

He nearly falls on his face, but it makes him realise it’s not worth the fight and concedes to eating dinner with us.

When it’s put like that, it sounds like we eat poison on a daily basis.

“I should hail Biana, to tell her that I’m having dinner here.” He starts walking outside, either to leap away or hail her without bothering us.

I don’t trust him not to run, so I hold out my hand, saying, “I can send her a message through that Imparter, no hail needed.”

When he still didn’t give it, I add, “Trust the Technopath.”

All Imparters have a built-in messaging system, even though everyone only uses the hailing function, which I think is sad.

Technopath problems.

I quickly send a message to Biana saying I’m going to stay at Rimeshire for dinner. Dex’s family convinced me to stay (the triplets are scary). Just thought I should let you know -Fitz. (BTW this is Dex, Fitz can’t Technopath even if the fate of the world depends on it)

“Check this to see if you approve the message and then hit send,” I say, giving the Imparter back to Fitz.

“What does the ‘bee tee double-you’ mean?” he asks, with a small, confused crease between his eyebrows.

“By the way,” I explain, “It’s a human texting abbreviation.”

He sends the message, probably figuring Biana would find a way to know that already, somehow, and sits down in a chair that Mom had pulled from who knows where.

Dinner didn’t devolve into a food fight as it so often does, especially since Bex and Lex manifested.

Rex--.

After dinner, Fitz wants to go back home again, but it isn’t even seven yet, and the sun hasn’t set.

We’re so far north that the sun doesn’t even set sometimes in the middle of summer. And you wonder why my sleep schedule is so messed up.

I manage to convince him to stay for one more human movie, which ends up being Cars, and apparently it’s set in a world where humans don’t have to drive around their giant death wagons.

I Google it to find out more about it because I can, and it was the last Pixar film made before it was bought by Disney, so you can argue that it isn’t technically a Disney movie.

And it’s the only Pixar movie that we’ve watched—today and whenever we watched Brave—that was made before Disney purchased Pixar.

Beauty and the Beast doesn’t count because it was made by Disney itself.

I managed to watch Cars even more than Wall-E, only stealing a few glances at Wonderboy.

Mostly when he shifts and somehow manages to keep getting closer. And cue my heart skipping a beat because that is a lot of perfection that keeps inching towards me.

By the end of the movie, I really want to yell at the screen to encourage the protagonist—I think his name was Lightning McQueen or something—but he didn’t even win the race at the end.

He helped the other, older car to finish the race because he met the old guy in the town in which he got lost—I wanna say its name was Radiator Springs—that is somehow so much more satisfying to the story.

I look at Fitz, who has completely buried himself in my pile of pillows, so much so that I’m not sure he can even see the screen.

He lets out a soft, snuffly snore that would have been adorable if it didn’t immediately make me panic because there’s a really freaking cute guy that fell asleep in my bed.

How does this go well?

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Relax.

Lovise is the only one who knows about this stupid crush. Honestly, at this point Grizel suspects, if she hasn’t gathered enough evidence to assume it’s true even without confirmation.

I stand up to get Mr. Snuggles from where Fitz left him this morning, and I give him to the Lord of the Snuggles.

I find a couple blankets shoved into my closet, and use one to cover up Fitz instead of trying to wrestle one out from under him.

I send Biana an Imparter message saying that Wonderboy fell asleep at Rimeshire, and I don’t think it’d be a good idea to wake him up.

I grab a computer, and sit on a bean bag that I have in one of the corners of my room. Well, I have to push some parts off of it first, but that doesn’t matter.

It’s barely nine right now, so I figure I can play a little Portal before I go to bed. Which will be my bean bag.

I've always wanted to sleep here, so at least now I have a good reason to do exactly that.

Silver linings.

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leashade · 3 months

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about degrading content

I told it multiple times before and will say it again here: I don't like where the content is going these days. It feels like it turned into a giant stream of stuff, which nobody asked for or cares about.

On one hand we have YouTube, which can be used by anyone, so it kinda turns into an endless well of content and knowledge (this is also why any YouTube competitors are doomed to fail and why any attempts to block and censor it won't go well: it might work, but the losses will be much MUCH bigger). This, combined with algorithms creates a situation when a user gets overwhelmed by content, which you can't even consume in a lifetime. Every single person and their dog has a channel, podcast, show or whatever.

But if it would be just YT it would be fine. The platform is diverse enough and content is made by people. It balances itself.

The problems start when big corporations start to do the same.

We have Netflix, a very successful streaming platform. But to keep it at the top they "have" to pump out a lot of exclusive content and lure people in -- offer something of value so it would make sense to pay.

Content costs money, and creating content all the time burns through your money rather quickly, so you have to get rid of expensive stuff and stuff that didn't perform too well.

But even better approach is to just create an endless stream of shit which people will watch once and forget it ever existed. You can even play with modern trends or whatever, make a nice looking preview, etc.

And platforms like YT and Netflix had a giant advantage: they didn't have competitors, not really. YT doesn't really have a real replacement, and Netflix was the first successful streaming service (to the point when people would use the name as a verb meaning "watch something on TV"). You could find a giant supply of great shows using just one subscription.

But now every big studio has their own streaming service, and this kind of defeats the whole purpose, why Netflix became so popular in the first place.

Now you have 10 streaming services with their own exclusive content, and nobody wants to pay for every single subscription at once. But they all still want to stay afloat -- and it's really expensive.

So we have Disney+. The Mouse has their own streaming and started releasing a lot of unnecessary and empty content in big batches, one after another. Marvel Cinematic Universe movies turned from important cultural events to yet another shitty thing, overwhelming people and oversaturating the market with low quality content. It becomes too much, you can't watch all these shows, and most of them are not even worth it. All the nostalgia baits, remakes, reshoots and reuses of the old franchises are all there too.

And all this subscription system turned into the giant evil monster which makes this problem even worse. I wrote about movies and shows, but it applies to podcasts, videos, books and videogames too.

The biggest problem: important cultural events and modern classics just blend in with the endless conveyor of stuff. Today you get something new and forget whatever was yesterday, then you get another tomorrow. Social discussion about a project ends without even starting. You just get so many things coming out that they lose all their importance and meaning.

"Classics" and "cultural phenomenons" didn't really disappear, but they just get lost with whatever is out there, the "classics" just becomes a part of this content soup.

Why am I saying all this and what's my suggestion? Dude, I don't know, absolutely no idea. But I really don't like it.

#ranting-about-things

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thetremblingroofbeam · 5 months

Text

A Month of Watching Horror: Oct 2022

-Writing began in Nov but was never finished. presented here is an unfinished retelling of a period of severe dissociation.

It’s October second and i’m disassociating. the last year had entirely upended my life, and i was grasping for something to anchor myself around. the algorithm brought to me an idea, “31 Horror Films in October” and, determined to catch up, i embarked on a journey into a genre i don’t normally enjoy.

it starts in August. in the same week i get a new job, one that won’t be so hard on my recovering spine, and two days later my partner of 10.5 years breaks up with me while we’re walking our dogs. i go see Nope, my first movie in a theater alone in over 12 years. i think it has too many scenes, that they undercut each other, that they fail to fully coalesce. i really like it.

it’s Oct 2nd at 11pm. i put on Blade. she’s finally moving out, mostly, not really at all. i need something comforting and familiar to fill the empty space. i laugh my ass off at every fourth wall break, every wink, every exaggerated line. i love this movie, it’s one of my favorites.

i’m alternating between reorganizing what little hasn’t been taken and moving a new roommate in. i it’s all too expensive, and i’m exhausted. i’ve started a list of movies, comics, and games i think i want to check out. i see The Crow. i hadn’t watched that since i pivoted from hardcore to darkwave. it’s fine. i find it’s meditation on death/rebirth terribly ironic and crass.

one of the last shows we had started was The Sandman. i did not like it. i go back and reread the first volume. i read to 24 Hour Diner. what a brilliant and cruel piece of fiction. i empathize with the hurt, but find it’s shock fairly hollow. a theme i will discover.

i put on The Purge. my home, hollowed, emptied, a stark contrast to the invasion on screen. i eat orange chicken in bed and marvel at how weirdly accurate the political commentary is, how sharp it sees the rise of the fascist youth movement, and how it absolutely fumbles the way race is weaponized. a truly neoliberal film. i’m reminded of her recent descent into orientalism and how gross it is.

the house feels wrong. the dogs aren’t around. time is collapsing. Bruce Willis stews in a basement, unaware he’s a ghost, pining for his wife, two portraits of grief in tragedy, but also very campy and too focused on being witty. i don’t love The 6th Sense.

i need to move back in time. i need a classic. The Omen delivers. what a score. i’m fully distracted from my self for a few hours. reality hits like a brick when i go to text her how great it is.

hoping to find something with the spark of District 9 or Chappie, i put on Demonic. it’s bad.

it’s late 2021 i think. the pain in my back has caused time to dilate, i don’t remember it very well. i see a panel someone has posted from a manga called “Chainsaw Man.” i immediately read all of it. it’s September 2022, i start rereading it to prepare for the show airing. i love the journey of hard head Denji through this weird world of devils, hormones, and tragedy. i read it, and read it again. i love it.

i spent most of 2022 fighting the insurance company. they changed my team at the start of the year and suddenly i wasn’t getting any help. my back was slowly, finally getting better but they were closing the door on paying for the treatment. i didn’t have the energy to fight it and go back to work. Ilana spent most of the year inviting me to bars, knowing i couldn’t sit in the stools with my body in the shape it was in. it was the solidification of her neo-liberalism. a doomed solution offered is justification for failure. my new boss offers me one of her favorite Halloween classics, The Halloween tree. i watch it the same day as Chainsaw Man episode 1. it’s a very good day for animation. i start stretching on my own.

the list is almost solidified. i want to watch the “good stuff.” Rosemary’s Baby. i’m blown away. fuck you P*lanski, rot in hell. to the rest of that crew… you done damn did it. this movie lives rent free in my head.

i’m listening to a Stephen King podcast. i see Cronenberg did an adaptation of Dead Zone. i’m struck by how prescient it is, how it fears the radicalizing right, and the ways religion drives people to neurosis.

i’m inspired. Cronenberg Jr has a film about a scifi dystopian body jumping assassin. we have our first surprise banger, a movie that cuts straight into my grief and confusion and for a little while i watched something that helped me understand what was going on in my own head. i had put on a mask and fragmented myself and was fighting with every single breath to stay calm. the feeling of being fractured hasn’t left me.

we’re on fire, in a groove. i’m watching banger after banger and it’s so refreshing to experience. i briefly am feeling like there is a path forward. i move backwards in time and watch Vampyr. i am shocked at how much more experimental film was in its youth, and again reminded of how much i love a good camera.

this next one is hard. it’s a choke point. i’ve been fighting and fearing it for months now. how do i process this. how do i make this make sense. the last good memory.

we go to a double feature at a diy theater downtown. it’s my first time seeing Vampire Hunter D, which was an absolute mess of budget and writing. then we watch Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, one of the best animated films of all time and one of my all time favorites. everything is like it’s normal. we joke about how weird things have been. my back hurts and i feel estranged.

i spend the next day in severe pain. we’re keeping vampires rolling. i love vampires. A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night is not what i was expecting it to be. really was hoping it would have a little more bite.

#mine #writing #horror

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lawlznet · 6 months

Text

My favorite essay on the concept of "cyberpunk" is one that examines the question "What *is* Cyberpunk?"

http://web.archive.org/web/20230210083200/https://www.neondystopia.com/what-is-cyberpunk/

It ends up touching on almost every avenue of science fiction, and is inherently political, since cyberpunk is also a fashion aesthetic, a political philosophy, a way of living, a tabletop rpg, a series of video games, and is *always* a dystopic setting.

Generally "Solarpunk" is considered its lighter, more optimistic half- a future set in a world where technology hasn't quite ruined everyone, though as the name implies that's more so self sustainability and avoiding climate destruction.

There's a lot of good quotes in the article from various media which exemplifies the genre, but I've always been fond of the phrase ``High tech, low life.``

A lot of earlier, traditional science fiction prior to cyberpunk's birth in the 1980's was either horrifying or optimistic, maybe even idealistic toward technology. Cyberpunk examines it from a very anticapitalist and cynical lens- “The future is already here — it’s just not very evenly distributed.” (William Gibson, *Neuromancer*)

We have all this technology and its largely in the hands of, and controlled exclusively by, the rich and powerful. And those people have zero interest in letting us use it, because that could potentially endanger their socio-economic supremacy.

The most common way you'll see this in everyday life is in healthcare- when a celebrity is caught with drugs or illegal substances- DUI's and etc, they'll often go to rehabilitation services. It'll be a spectacle of them taking the time to self improve.

Anyone else often only has a lengthy prison sentence and an expensive fine as their only recourse.

For other examples, look up Boston Scientific's dog-like robots (https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2023/04/nypd-robocops-hulking-400-lb-robots-will-start-patrolling-new-york-city/).

During the height of the covid pandemic, as scientists worked feverishly to create and release a vaccine to a suffering populace, the former US president Donald Trump caught ill- and was immediately injected with a cocktail of experimental, unreleased medications to keep him alive.

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/trump-receives-experimental-antibody-treatment-covid-19-diagnosis-n1241916

And then there's social media. We're all refugees of Twitter, for reasons that likely don't need retelling for most of you. For anyone else who gets to read this text wall in the future, a certain former billionaire who was the heir of an emerald mine and dabbled in space travel and electric cars sunk much of his fortune into buying one of the largest social media websites on earth, just so that he could fire more than half of it staff, institute subscription services for basic usage, killed all non proprietary development tools that people used the service with, modified the algorithm to increase the viewership and attention on his own personal account, eliminated verification badges from celebrities, politicians, and news organizations who either didn't pay a subscription fee or reported on him in a negative light, and is of this writing grooming an army of yes men who lap up his every word as the site continues to hemmhorage users from sheer unusability.

Leading to a Tower of Babel level exodus of users from the website, to other proprietary social media companies, to defederated mastodon instances, and finally to Bluesky, a Twitter clone literally created by the former CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey.

Cyberpunk is here and now.

#vtuber #envtuber #vtuber writer #cyberpunk #dystopia #femboy #spilled ink #I wrote this for a cyberpunk channel in a vtuber writers discord server #thought i'd share

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dzpenumbra · 10 months

Text

7/15/23

6 AM. The creaks got me at 6 AM today. On a Friday morning. They were stomping around at midnight. They were stomping around at 2 AM, when I was writing my journal last night. Then they were up at 6, to the point where I just got up... after about an hour and a half of sleep... and again at 8. I don't even know when these people sleep. I don't even know how to sync my sleep schedule with them because it's just been constant and completely unpredictable.

Well... I just came down from jamming two improvised shims into the gap between the floor beam and the molding. I think it's just shoddy craftsmanship, a crap-build closet with cheap molding and the sound is likely the nail creaking inside the wood? Or something similar, I'm not well versed in this shit. But I was, through somewhat creepy and obsessive fixation and patience, able to identify the exact beam that was making the noise by... standing there and waiting. Just standing there for half an hour and just... waiting and watching. And sure enough... thump thump thump CRAAAACKcrackcrack thump thump And I took one of my cheap-ass foam brushes from 4 years ago that I never use and ripped off the foam top and whittled the handled into a wedge. I rammed that in between the beam and the molding, then waited. And waited. And sure enough, it made a difference. Not a huge difference... but a difference. So I just got done putting in a second one a few inches over on the beam, closer to the nail. And the footsteps have stopped, so I have no idea whether this worked or not. I guess I'll see in about... hmm... what time is it... 1:30? 4.5 hours? XD Oh god. Yep, this is what my life has become.

I really don't know what else to do, it's been 5 fucking days. I'm so delirious that I'm actually feeling high. I actually feel somewhat stoned. Like... "on the edge of freakout", "things are getting a bit surreal" stoned. So... I'm thinking I might as well just take a low-dose of the tincture tonight and go for it.

I went back to bed at 8AM and put my headphones in. I put on a binaural sleep thing and cranked the volume. It worked. But, again... only got about 5 more hours because the fucking batteries died. I'm still so pissed about that, they work really well when they work, but this battery life is just ridiculous. So, I just got up. I felt more rested than I had in a bit. 5 hours is a lot compared to 1. Plus, I had to be awake to get my groceries.

Today was basically a chill at home and get stuff done around the house day. Groceries, shower, more bead work, laundry. I was going to go skating despite the sleep deprivation, but the weather kept saying thunderstorm warning. The thunderstorms were supposed to start at 4 or 5, they started around 8. And they were intense, but short lived. So... I could've skated. Which sucks, but it is what it is.

The big thing from today was... I finally did my Instagram post for my hoodie. I even had some progression pictures from last fall to add in, from when the hoodie was just a freehand sketch in white pencil, progressing all the way up to the painted final product. I told the whole backstory, it was nice. It's been up for about 5 hours now. It has gotten 2 likes.

It isn't about numbers, it isn't about fortune or fame. It's about the work actually getting out there and finding people who like it, who want to see more, who want to support me in creating what I create... so I can pay my rent... And it shocks me how scam artists can find me like a fly finding dog shit, but somehow Instagram's professionally crafted perfection of an algorithm can't seem to find a way to get my art in front of people who are looking for that type of content. Hmm... must be my fault. Maybe I didn't Instagram correctly. I must not have played the game properly... hmm... wow, but really impressive how those ads do seem to be fine-tuned to the degree that they feel like they're fucking listening in to your conversations and shit. Really crazy how the ads are perfectly crafted to get companies who pay for ad space priority algorithms which actually work... while all the non-paying cattle can play the popularity game... the parallel algorithm that is designed to snowball popularity. See, I was gonna say... "If only Instagram had a functional algorithm that had a way of getting your posts in front of people who would really really be interested in it... you know... like their... ad... algorithms... oh..." So... I guess fuck me then.

It's not a matter of wanting validation. It's not a matter of wanting a self-esteem boost, though that would be an incredible bonus. It's about establishing a dialogue with an audience. And I can't fucking establish a dialogue... if no one can fucking hear me... because half of their feed is recommended popular accounts they don't even follow, and 1/4 is targeted ads. So yeah, I guess the reason I didn't post it sooner? The reason I'm kinda venting about now. What's the fucking point? One person who was a fan of my streams 3 years ago but has never shown an interest in my art clicked the "cool" button; one stranger did too, which is a bonus, I guess. I guess it's better than just... not posting it? I don't know.

Are people just that jaded now? Idk. I don't wanna go down that road. Whenever I start talking about "people" in the abstract like that it just gets super depressing real quick. Fuck that.

So yeah, that happened. Checked that off the side quest list on my whiteboard. And I decided to at least start sketching for the grip tape art on my trick deck... but I'm really just considering going straight to paint. I just... I have to be careful about layering paint, I have a tendency to layer paint really thick to get nice smooth blending. But thick paint means... less grip. So yeah, no, gotta be careful about that. I started sketching in colored pencil on grip tape. It's... something. It leaves a temporary sketch, kinda... but it's all like chalk dust, the second you touch it... it just comes right off. And it absolutely destroys pencils. So... yeah. I started doing the raven head, I didn't like the sketch... I wiped it off and started to sketch the circles for the mandala and that worked alright. Then it was just really late so I just called it.

The only other thing notable about today was... my meal plan thing. Today I tried one of the meals off of my new meal plan. I'm 100% vegetarian now, except for the fried chicken that was mistakenly delivered to me (instead of rotisserie chicken strips) and sausage that's in my freezer. It wasn't a big leap, and I still eat eggs, so there's that. I tried this meal that was basically like a caprese salad but with whole wheat pasta. And they wanted me to make two servings of it. And I followed the directions... and it was a fucking ton of food. A mountain on a plate. Like... I would not have eaten this much if the meal thing didn't tell me to. I would've eaten like... 2/3 the amount the recipe had me make. I'm fucking stuffed. But it was really light food so... yeah. I don't know. So I'm just kinda confused at this point... what to do diet-wise. I don't think my diet really has to change that much, I just have to be more conscious of calories? I guess? I honestly don't know. It just really caught me off-guard that after getting on this meal planner thing... my meal size went up... Maybe it's just the adding in of the exercise that made a difference. I have lost a visible amount of weight. Maybe I didn't need to change up my diet so much... as I needed to change up how sedentary I had become. But hey, cleaning up my diet a bit, cutting back on the butter and cheese a bit more... it ain't hurting.

The cholesterol is the scary part for me. And I still don't really know what to do about that diet wise... I guess fiber? That's been going well, and replacing milk with almond milk was seamless. Still don't know about eggs and all that. But yeah, honestly? I'm just really hoping I can get this whole sleep situation figured out pronto... because I haven't been exercising the past... 5 fucking days now. I did a full 30 day challenge straight into 5 days of forced insomnia and no exercise. I'm scared to exercise on such little sleep. It does not feel healthy at all. At all.

So yeah. I'm going to take a super low dose of tincture. I put together a playlist of good vibes hippie songs that should keep me from going to a bad place (fingers crossed) if I'm woken up and happen to be high... which is the exact reason why I stopped taking it in the first place. And... I put the shims in the ceiling so the creak noise should be significantly less. I hope. And... I have the AirPod music as an option in my back pocket, but the most it will get me is 6 hours. So... that's the arsenal. Is it enough? Only time will tell.

Oh, one last thing. My beans aren't doing well. The bottom leaves are really wilted and one of them went yellow. I think I overwatered them. I feel horrible for doing that to them, I really don't know how often to water stuff. My tomato loves water, it's watered like twice a week no problem. My Night Blooming Jasmine loves water so much that I had a mold problem in its soil and it flat-out didn't care. The thing has grown like a fucking weed. So... I've been trying to go by soil dryness but... I guess I didn't check well enough and overwatered them. So... I'm going to leave them until the soil is like... super-dry. I'm just not going to touch them at all and pray they don't have root rot. And hopefully they bounce back from this. Everything else is doing pretty damn well. The Pothos are all doing really well, they all have extra leaves now, all nice and healthy - from leaf cuttings in the mail from halfway across the continent to flourishing established plants. The Raven ZZ is just... doing its thing, growing like a damn weed and I'm trying to not stress about it potentially outgrowing its pot. The propagated succulents are doing very well, one failed but the rest are going strong. The chili has 2 peppers and plenty of flowers. The tomato has gone through a ton of flowers but... they just don't seem to be pollenating well. Or... I am not doing a good job helping it pollenate itself. So... I'll try to give it more attention, shake it up a bit. I've just been super gentle with it after its stalk keeled over twice. And that's pretty much the whole gang... the orchid is still kickin, kinda dormant... I haven't been watering it as much as I should because it really really needs distilled water and distilling takes like... a whole fucking day for like a quart of water. So... I'll have to get on that. It's not like I can just not water it. And I still want to plant that basil, I've put that off long enough... so maybe that's tomorrow's goal.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. All just hopes and prayers going forward from here that I can just get sleep fixed so I can get out there in the world. Its such horrible timing. I finally take a giant leap, I get confidence, I want to get out in the world regularly. I have a place to go, I have plans (the trails at the farm nearby and going to the skatepark), and the second I do that... my sleep gets fucked. For an entire week. By college students. I really really hope I get a solution for this soon, because I really don't know what else I can do.

Just a quick tangent. I know this is a PTSD thing. I know it. It's a nervous system thing, a hypervigilance thing. It's a "I'm not feeling safe, there's a wolf at the door" thing. Every time the jets fly overhead confirms it for me, it's not the same feeling. Having the maintenance guy actually enter my apartment validated it too, it was the same feeling, but to a lesser degree because that part of my brain had more information. Yep... this reflex was less severe when someone actually was inside my apartment. Because it's a reflex, it doesn't work by logic's rules. I know it's PTSD, I know it's isolation, I know it's living alone. But I still feel like... the way I put it when I posted in a support group this morning just looking for advice... I feel like I should be able to tank this. Like I should just get over it. Learn how to sleep heavier. Just get better. Or something. Like... I feel like this is somehow my fault, and it's part of living in an apartment, and I shouldn't expect peoples lives to revolve around mine. And I know that's my PTSD talking, my shit self-esteem, my broken self-worth, my self-blame. The problem is... it's partially right. This is part of communal living. And I don't really like this way of living at all. I want nothing more than to be in the forest right now. I just... need to find a way to get people into my life, to meet a community and develop a social network. And I thought moving here would do that... automatically, I guess? I don't know. And my isolation would get super bad in the forest alone, I know that from experience. Not that there are even places in the woods to fucking rent, they're all goddamn AirBnBs bought up by companies during the pandemic and converted into micro theme parks for rich ski bums to pretend they're "quaint and rustic" for a few days and then they sit empty for months at a time. I don't even know if I have any option but to... just somehow magically figure this out.

I found myself crying this morning. Going "I don't want to go on Xanax again. I don't want to go on Seroquel again. I don't want to go on Mirtazapine again. I don't want to eat fistfuls of Benadryl before bed again." Sleep problems are what sent me on meds in the first place. Desperation. Being out of answers, out of options. And going on and off of meds completely fucked up my life. I still haven't recovered. All because I had panic attacks and struggled with sleep from undiagnosed PTSD. That's all. So yeah. This is a pretty tough moment. It's not just... annoying loud neighbors. It's not just laying there with my eyes closed trying desperately not to engage with a gnat swarm of racing thoughts for literal hours at a time. It's not just jumping out of my skin and feeling like my heart is being stretched every time I hear that loud creak. It's the potential implications of what I might have to do if I don't find a non-medication solution for this. And all of the trauma associated with that. It's a doozy.

So... it's not quite as simple as just... someone getting cranky about noisy kids... then rolling over and going back to sleep. This is... someone who has had their life decimated by PTSD, constantly wrestles with agoraphobia... who is jostled awake by sounds sending him into biophysical flashbacks... repeatedly making him relive the physical and emotional sensations of traumatic events... every day. And then has to spend sometimes hours trying to calm his nervous system down enough to even consider sleep, because his heart feels like he just went on a fucking rollercoaster and his mind is racing like he just snorted a fat bump of coke.

But like... try explaining that to a complete stranger... Let me phrase that better... I would have to explain that to a stranger to be taken seriously, and even then it might be a stretch. I would have to expose how fucked my life is, how frail I am... just to possibly get some peace. And even then, there are no promises.

Ugh. And all this because some people just... moved to a top-floor apartment... and walk heel-toe, thumping their entire body weight unto their talus --- DAMN, it's calcaneus. I was close though, not too shabby considering I haven't studied bone anatomy since... 2009, I think?

Okay, enough dreading and dooming. I've done 5 nights of this, I can do one more. Fingers crossed. Goodnight (hopefully). Hey, that's a good song title...

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

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