#like it's whatever I have these days Im just so fed up at my brain still being so deep in survival mode that I can barely cry

[izzy-b-hands]

My brain and eyes sitting here having me brimming with tears like: yes, we want to cry, crying would be helpful! A release of endorphins!

Me: Cool, let's cry then. I'm trying to make the tears actually...go, but y'all aren't letting them fall???

Brain (eyes are hostages essentially at this point imo): oh. Shit. you actually wanted that, huh? how about a stomachache instead even though you just forced yourself to eat enough calories to call it 'dinner'

Me: Can I at least cry while my gut hurts?

Brain: Oh! No. No, you can't :)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ka0ila]

Sorry but I just can’t get dom, caring Chan x reader in a deep subspace out of my mind😭😭 I need more of that concept !! I trust you with everything lmao you’re so creative so just do whatever comes to mind:)

//baby, you’re not alone. it’s like one of my favourite scenarios everr, thankyou sm i hope this satisfies you <33 also im so sorry im really not good with soft stuff but i tried<3 i wrote it in 3rd person as it was a req, tell me if you would like me to change itᵕ̈

|All Mine

pairing- soft dom!chan x sensitive sub!reader

genre- smut [18+] mdni.

type- request

warnings- fingering (fem receiving), breeding, subspace, overstimulation

not proofreadᵕ̈

ᝰ.m.list !

It’s been a whole week, you hadn’t seen chan.

The other night he came home, you were making out, pinned against the wall, but suddenly,

he got a call.

He finished you off but you needed, literally needed his dick inside of you.

Nothing was enough, nothing. No toy, nothing could replace him. You were about to cry, but you knew it wasn’t his fault.

Now, touch deprived, youre on your bed, flustered and red, warm and needy. You were so sexually frustrated you couldn’t help but cry,

you wanted him, you wanted him around you, you wanted him to treat you good,

to make you feel good, to focus on you, and you only.

Thinking about just being safe and comfortable enough to go fully into subspace because you trust him with everything,

the way you submit your body to him blindly, the way you give everything in his hand,

enough to fully let go and let him please you however he wants, and have his way with you.

All you could thing of was being all soft and dumb around him, fuzzy and fucked out of your brains, too needy to think straight,

getting praised and pleasure, being his good girl, submitting to him completely. You toss and turn, remembering his soft dirty whispers, you blush to yourself, dumb.

“baby?” you hear the door open, you were completely out of your mind to realise he had come home, you perk up at his voice, seeing you in this condition he’s taken back.

“oh my, oh my. is my baby needy? hm? are you in your subspace babygirl?” he changed his voice the moment he realised what was happening, you were clearly in your subspace. This had happened before, multiple times infact.

You whimper in response getting in his embrace, tears fill your eyes,

“My poor baby. Did you miss me so much? hm?” he said while getting on the bed brushing your clothed clit slightly,

oh the sight of you so turned on, out of your mind, whimpering and so red, he could forget the whole damm world and stare at it the whole day.

it was as if there was nothing better to do.

You whimper, the look in your eyes, he knew he couldn’t play with you.

“c’mere baby, let me take care of my princess”

all you could think about was pleasure, you were fuzzy and dumb.

you were completely disconnected with reality.

oh that expression on your face, hot red and needy, looking at him needy, how dare you disregard it.

he unzipped his pants and shirt, placing you in his lap gently while whispering things in your ear, sending chills down your bone,

you felt so overstimulated even though nothing had happened.

“oh my pretty, pretty baby” he placed a kiss against your neck, sucking your earlobe as he rubs circles on your clit,

“so wet baby, so wet for me.” he places another kiss on your cleavage.

the wet sounds turned him on so much, you were so wet for him, only for him.

it fed his ego, his pride and strengthened the fact that you belong to him,

“need you, please” you couldn’t bare it, you would usually love it but right now, all you could think was of his dick inside of you raw.

“yeah? you need daddy’s dick in that pretty little whole of yours?” he chuckles as he places you gently on the bed, tying your hand slightly to the headboard. Making sure they weren’t too tight, he sucks on your breast, while the other hand treats your clit.

“my pretty baby, my patient baby, you deserve all the pleasure in this world” he whispered as he looked deep into your eyes, a string of saliva on his soft pink lips.

he rubs his tip slightly, you flinch,

it felt too good, you couldn’t wait any longer,

the moment he entered you he couldn’t maintain his pace, the sight of you, all submissive and brain fucked in front of him, he couldn’t control it.

you were a mess, moaning continuously, chanting his name,

“yes baby, all mine. you’re all fucking mine. my pretty baby, this is fucking mine”

one hand on the headboard the other playing with your clit, as he slams into your hole,

he places a pillow under your abdomen,

“you-.” thrust, “are-.” thrust, “all-.” thrust “mine.”

oh, you were on cloud 9.

you were practically screaming at this point, no shame, no one could stop you.

you were out of your senses to realise.

“im gonna cum, channie— please” you begged,

“don’t stop, please dont stop.”

“cum for me baby, fucking cum around my cock, cum while im fucking you, cum like the little cumslut you are.”

he didn’t stop, you were clenching around him and he only paced his speed, reaching for his high,

“cum in me, breed me, please.” you whimper, tears fall from your eyes,

“aw? does my baby want to be breeded? want to carry daddy’s babies?” he said sucking the sensitive spot on your neck,

“mhm—.” you couldn’t comprehend or speak anything,

the way he was pacing up every second, hands tied you were helpless,

“im gonna breed you baby, gonna breed my lil princess” he said as he left his release deep in you,

inspecting and making sure every drop of it was in you, nothing to be wasted.

he rubbed your head, fixing your hair placing a soft kiss on your forehead, untying your hands and caressing them slightly.

“i love you—.” you said as you were about to doze off due to exhaustion,

he smiled and said, “i love you more babygirl, sleep well i’ll clean you up” he was about to get up but you stopped him,

“stay until i fall asleep, please”

he took you in his embrace, securing you in his arms, you felt asking nothing in this world could harm you in his arms,

as long as he was next to you, you had nothing to worry about.

he kissed your nose and patted your head,

you were safe.

[gyuswhore]

the story of us ✦ j.w.w x reader

the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now - the story of us

synopsis: So many walls that you can't break through; except you do.

wc: 2.1K

contains: best friends to lovers, angst, fluff, humour, happy ending, alcohol, arguments

masterlist

Support creators by reblogging!

[a/n]: im exhausted, im loopy, im hungry, but i really wanted to post this so here you go my babies I'm sorry i haven't fed you in so long (ty @toruro for making sure i wasn't talking out of my ass in this ily)

[edit; 11/04/24]: grammar and spelling.

Jeon Wonwoo was nearing boiling point when he watched you push him away from yet another conversation.

He tried to understand, just like he always had. But it was proving near impossible at the five-month mark. 

There were clear signs you exhibited when you needed space, for whatever reason, Wonwoo knew you would tell him when you recovered. So he gave you what you needed.

And yet, when he finds himself pushed away from what looks like a casual conversation between your mutual friends, he finds his mild annoyance grow into something hotter. 

There’s a clench in his jaw as he tries not to squeeze the red cup in his hand with too much pressure, even when all the spiteful bit of his brain wants to do is to pour its pigmented contents all over your cream outfit. He manages to control himself, choosing to get up and exit the premises entirely. In complete silence, he refuses to acknowledge any yell of his name from passing acquaintances. 

Jeon Wonwoo refused to respond to any of your advances after that. 

Invitations to lunch were left on a jarring sent, the notification sitting in his log until he chooses to open it too late. His response was bare when you asked for help on some accounting concepts, pushing you over into Jihoon’s hands to fulfill your requirements. There’s a blatant shrug when you touch his shoulder, concerned, asking why his behaviour had become so distant in the past weeks; he responds with a mumble of, “just tired”.

The great divide happened a few days proceeding your birthday, one for which Wonwoo did nothing for but send you a quick message during the evening, never to see you throughout the extended day. 

“I can’t believe you’re putting this on me!” you all but yell, eyes wide and expression exasperated at the situation.

“Are you blind? Or just plain stupid? Because I didn’t tolerate months of your shit attitude to have you say it isn’t your fault.” Wonwoo is breathing heavily, hands motioning towards your entire figure with equal disbelief.

“What attitude?” you emphasize. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I couldn’t be upfront with my best friend.”

“There’s a difference between being in a mood and blatant disrespect. I’m tired of having to put up with your mood swings like it’s my responsibility to coddle you. When was the last time you genuinely asked me how I was doing?”

“All the time!”

“Yeah, after you realize there's nobody else to whine and wail to!”

“Wonwoo, you’re being ridiculous.”

“Fine. If I’m clearly so unhinged, I’ll leave you to your liking.” 

The dwindled interactions, from messages to hellos, went from sparing to nonexistent — just like that. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect for you and Wonwoo to reconcile in the matter of a few days, if not a couple weeks.

But when the distance did nothing but grow larger, there was a settle of resentment in the pit of your stomach as you accepted the feud you were in. 

A text was sent from your phone a couple days after the incident.

[You]: can we talk?

But when you see no sign of the grey Delivered on the end, you knew he had blocked you. 

This was all nothing less than baffling to you for a number of reasons, starting with how you had never witnessed Wowoo acting this way. 

Wonwoo had done nothing but reprimand you the rare chance you suggested blocking an apprehensive individual, something about not showing that you cared. His voice seemed redundant after a certain decibel, the rarest chance to witness him yell at a failed video game or a frustrating professor. 

You know better, which is the only reason you’re ruling off paranormal possession. 

The claims against you came as an afterthought, not, however, rendering them any less strange. There’s a part of you that pondered if your shield of annoyance blocked you from seeing the truth in his words and in your behaviour, finding yourself overwhelmed with emotions when the thought crossed your mind, tears of frustration immediately blurring your vision. 

You did not understand, you could not. And when it all got too much, you allowed the hurt and confusion to turn into something more dangerous. You replaced it with anger, in the same place that once occupied a more delicate emotion. 

There was an uproar in Wonwoo’s mind when he sees you walk into the lecture hall, unaware of your overlapping schedule in the new semester. He watches as your eyes pass over the moderately packed space, briefly glancing over where he sat; if you saw him, you did nothing to bring a reaction out of it. You take a seat a few rows up front, right in front of him where he’s able to see the back of your head for the next two hours — for the rest of the semester. 

He wonders if it’s too late to switch classes. 

“Wonwoo, I honestly think this is getting out of hand.” Jihoon munches on his cashews, leaning against bark of the tree they were both sat under. 

“Did you want me to keep tending to her bullshit then?” he grumbles.

“That’s not what I’m saying, you know it’s not.”

“That’s what it sounds like.” Wonwoo’s retort is brisk.

Jihoon is suddenly snapping his fingers in his face at the reply, a flinch accompanies Wonwoo’s already sour expression. 

“See! See how frustrating it is when somebody isn’t making sense?” 

“How does this—” 

“Wonwoo, did you try talking to her about how you felt, you know, without the screaming?” 

Jihoon watches as Wonwoo’s expression clears out, his eyebrows unfurrowing and the scowl fading. He doesn’t speak, choosing to let the realization kick in.

“No.” 

Jihoon sighs, taking another pause. “I’m not saying what she did wasn’t uncalled for, but you need to talk shit out before deciding you hate each other.”

“I don’t hate her.”

“Right, so can we wrap this up quickly and have you confess your undying love so we can all relax.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Heat crawls up Wonwoo’s cheeks.

“What? If you don’t hate her, it’s gotta be the opposite.”

Did Wonwoo like you? Yeah, he probably did. Did he ever let himself ponder upon it? No, because he was downright mortified of the mere thought. He finds himself a hypocrite to say it was to preserve your friendship, but he figures he’s fucked it up in a way that’s arguably worse. 

Regardless, Wonwoo walks away from that conversation with two things: a stark realization, and an even starker admittance. 

Everything was going wrong. At least that’s what it felt like when you hear the clang of your water bottle hit the pavement, rolling off into the oncoming traffic as you sprint to grab it. You nearly cause a vehicle pile-up, swallowing a couple profanities from braking drivers. 

You’re stuffing the darn thing into your bag when you trip on a loose brick on the path, nearly landing on your face. The glare you send into the pavement costs you even more when a hard shoulder bumps into your side, sending you another couple steps back. You don’t bother to see who the perpetrator is, too preoccupied with your attempts to take in deeper breaths amid the blankness of your mind. 

There are no hiccups after that, what you might owe your more conscious mind to. Stomping up the library steps, you thank nothingness for the air conditioning that meets your hot face, slowing down as you take in the crowd. 

Scanning the room for an empty seat is harder than you’d anticipated, hoping the heat would keep students away from the building as you left to get work done. Approaching a table, you set down your bag with a huff, pulling the chair out to finally take the seat you’ve been needing for so long. 

The universe seems to have other plans. 

It’s almost funny the way you and Wonwoo make eye contact across the other table, the recognition sending a jolt through your stomach. 

You’ve never moved so fast, pushing the chair back in with a screech that earns you a few looks, grabbing the handles of your bag as you turn around to leave the building you’d just entered. 

No way you'd sit there. Not when he was around.

You're bounding down the steps when somebody passes you, murmuring something without slowing their stride.

“I’m leaving, you can go inside,” Wonwoo says, and the sound of his voice has you halting almost immediately.

Whipping your head around to search for the sound, you watch as he takes a turn at the end of the steps, slowly moving out of your vision. 

There’s a swirl of something in your chest, and you realise in that moment how much you missed hearing his voice. 

Chiding yourself, you blink back the water that wells up in your eyes, embarrassed at how quickly you were losing yourself.

But the damage was done. And you wanted to be reckless, regardless of how desperate it made you look. A split second decision is made in that moment, one that lightens the heavy feet that you’ve planted on the concrete. 

You’re back to bounding down the steps, but this time with aim. 

Taking the same turn you saw Wonwoo take, you break into a sprint as you see his figure move farther away. You keep running, continuing to bump into both objects and people, hurried "sorry"'s the only thing you choose to throw their way. 

“Wonwoo!” Your voice comes out stronger than you’d intended, the sharpness having him turn around in search, eyes landing on your accelerating figure. 

Both of you realize too late how fast you’re really going, the velocity taking you directly into his outstretched arms, hands grasping the sleeves of his shirt as you come to screeching stop directly into his chest. 

You don’t have the time nor the patience to be embarrassed, pulling your face back to look directly into Wonwoo’s bewildered eyes to huff out your next words.

“Why did you block me?” you ask, voice gruff and slightly out of breath.

Wonwoo’s mouth opens and closes like a fish, words refusing to come out. 

“Why are you so mad at me? Why are you being nice to me if you’re mad at me?” You don’t stop, the direct questions tumbling off your tongue in desperation. 

You search his face for an answer when his mouth fails, but all you find is the remnants of shock yet to ebb away. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t important, I’m sorry for taking your presence for granted, I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for…for… I don’t know! I’m just really sorry and I don't know how else to make this right.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you hear him say and you feel the moisture return to your eyes. 

“Huh?”

“I should’ve…” he pauses, looking sheepish. “I should’ve talked to you before I, y’know, went off on you. I should’ve managed my feelings better, I’m sorry.” 

You're silent for a few tantalizing moments before you raise your fists, and pound down on his chest with everything you have. You do it again, and then again, and again—

“What?- Ow!” 

“When are you gonna stop bottling up your feelings for fucks sake, it’s landed you everywhere but good!” you say, nearly yelling.

Wonwoo whips his head around to see who’s listening, palm to mouth in attempts to silence you. 

“I’m sorry! I know! I’m working on it,” he rambles, trying to get you to quit struggling. “Jihoon and I talked, that’s why I realised I was being dumb.”

“Are you gonna unblock me now or do I need to pay Jihoon to sit down with you again?”

Wonwoo’s eyebrows furrow. “You payed Jihoon to sit with me?”

“No, you idiot. But I should have because you can’t seem to figure out how to feel emotions.” 

Wonwoo can’t help himself when he breaks out into a grin, letting out a breathy chuckle that has you asking “What?”.

He pulls you in, heart to heart in an embrace, holding you tight to make up for the weeks of no contact. He breathes in your scent and feels as though he hasn’t in years. 

“I’m not gonna come running up to you the next time you decide you hate me,” you mumble into his shoulder, pouting slightly.

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“No.” Wonwoo pulls away but keeps you in his arms, looking at you, “I love you. Like, the kind of stuff that makes you wanna live together forever. I love you.” 

It’s your turn to gape like a fish. 

“W-what?”

“You told me not to bottle up my feelings.” 

“Yeah, but—wow, um.” 

“Did I make another mistake?” 

No! You wanted to scream. But you don’t. You instead lift your hands up to come around his face, cradling it. And you kissed him. 

“I love you, too. Like the live together forever kind.” 

[ceilidho]

Omg yaaaas i agree w that other anon, if you ever have like tidbits or random thoughts about military asset soap I'd gobble them up! Ofc you got a lot going on so no pressure at all to write more of it because you already fed us SO FUCKIN WELL OMG! But i can fully say i went nuts over what you wrote like the idea is sooooo delicious, and the buildup/tension is a lot of fun! Also sorry im gonna drop a headcanon that just came to me but imagining soap coming back from the mission (successful duh) and like maybe they dont let him have the reader right away, they put him back in the adjoining cell and tell him "tomorrow" and soap just sits on his bed maybe worn out from the mission, and he just STARES at you all night long. Has the scariest fucking smile on his face. The BUILDUP i tell you THE BUILDUP 😭😭😭😭😭 anyway again this isnt pressure to write more that idea just came to me while i was writing this ask lolll. Okay im done have a good day!!!

no but your brain is fucking humongous.

i love love love a really good build up of tension and oh my god. Soap looking forward to getting you to himself throughout that whole mission only to find out that for some unexplained reason, he's not allowed you. maybe they want to keep him in top form for something they have planned for the next day - whatever the reason, he's put back in his cell even after being hosed down (not like an actual hose lmao just imagine a super industrial shower or something idk).

he sits still in his cell all night staring at you, just absolutely bricked up. he's still dripping from his shower and clothes roughly put on; he keeps clenching his jaw and swallowing whenever you move, eyes tracking you like a hound. he doesn't say a word but you already know that tomorrow is going to be bad when they finally let him in.

[m0mmys-brat]

Daddy’s welcome too 😜😉😏😘

Didn’t realize till after I edited these that I forgot to make one for any daddy out there lookin for a cute lil bunny 😌🙈 I’m so sorry.

Today drained me & I may or may not be baked & buzzed & on my third beverage of tonight….im also so unbelievably horny & think I’m about to start my period. Emotions & hormones are SCATTERED everywhere I don’t know which way is up.

Moments like this I so badly wish I had a mommy or daddy to help guide me through these rollercoaster of emotions & stress. To just help me shut my brain off & direct me to do whatever they ask of me.

Want to give such an attitude because today was so stressful & had me on the verge of tears that mommy/daddy finally gets fed up & throws me over their shoulder telling me after I start fighting against them

“Bunny, I know exactly what you need, yet keep up the attitude & you’ll be begging with a red ass to cum tonight, so make the choice before we reach the bedroom little girl” they’d growl walking towards the room.

Of course I’m not gonna listen I’m gonna give them the brunt of my frustrations & emotions.

“Looks like you flew right passed being bent over my knee to being edged till mommy/daddy feels you deserve to cum tonight bunny.” They’d say in such a condescending tone with a chuckle towards the end..

But like a great mommy/daddy after about the 6th time they deny me & they emotions of the day bubble to the surface & the overstimulation tears become actual tears of finally letting go of the frustration of the day. Mommy/daddy stop & slowly untie my wrists (that of course would have been tied after about the 3 denial cause I can’t keep my hands to myself) & finally fuck me so softly & let me cum as many times as I can before falling asleep in their arms.. 😭😭😭

[ilaosi]

weird question, but since ur a zombie I need some help!

okay, so I'm writing about zombies and such and the actual physical symptoms of zombism are like vague. super vague.

I was wondering what your experience was?

idk wikipedia and all them are uselessssss, and I thought asking a zombie would just be easier than going and looking for 16th century whatevers.

so, if you don't mind what was it like? what sorts of symptoms did you have?

anyway thank you for reading your awesome!!!

omg hi im a bit late but this ask makes me so happy i love talking abt this stuff !!! :D i'd like to preface by saying i experience my kintypes in a way that sounds a lot like a past life but i don't consider that to be the case, i believe my memories are from some version of me in other universes/realities.

soo my response might not be the most helpful because i don't think i experience zombism in the way most ppl think of it? i wasn't infected or anything, i died a (somewhat) natural death & the next thing i knew i was kind of unknowingly digging myself out of my grave. i don't know how or why i was resurrected, if someone else did it, if i did it myself, if it was some kind of divine intervention, no clue. in the world i remember, zombies were a known phenomenon that hadn't yet been explained by science.

living people reacted to us in a lot of different ways, some kind of worshiped us and treated us like we were chosen by the gods or otherwise special, but most just thought it was weird/gross and tried to avoid us. a few ppl wanted to get rid of us because it was "unnatural and contagious" (it couldn't actually be transmitted like a disease, in my world at least), there was even a group of ppl who denied our existence entirely. it was also pretty common for medical students to (consensually, most of the time) practice their skills on zombies, kind of like they do in this world with corpses, but we were more convenient because it was really hard to kill us and we didn't really experience much pain, plus we could heal (to an extent), and we were pretty much immune to infection & other complications/side effects. i think it was also a way of gathering information for research since there wasn't much known about us or how/why we existed.

as for the symptoms & what it felt like - i remember when i first crawled out of the dirt the main thing i noticed was that my body was completely still. my heart didn't beat, the blood didn't flow in my veins, i didn't particularly feel the need to breathe or blink. i was just as disabled in that world as i am in this one, but after i died some of my disabilities didn't really affect me anymore. i wasn't in horrible pain in the way i usually am, i just felt like all of my skin was slightly bruised and there was a dull ache all over my body but it was easy to ignore, and my bones felt,, empty? my brainfog/dissociation got a lot worse though. all of my senses felt much more dull but i definitely still had them. it took more pressure for me to feel things touching my skin, my vision was cloudy and less colorful, i couldn't really smell or taste most things other than meat, blood, decay, dirt, mildew, etc. other smells/tastes would have to be really strong/intense for me to pick up on it at all. i was dead for about 3? days before i emerged, and i was buried in winter, so decomposition hadn't totally taken over yet. i did continue to decompose after that, but eventually i figured out that keeping myself fed (primarily with non-human brain matter & insects) would stop that process and sometimes even reverse the effects of it to an extent. if i went too long without feeding or if i fed on the wrong things too often i would feel really sick and my skin would get even more flaky. sometimes huge chunks of skin or even small body parts would fall off, but they could be successfully reattached by any doctor who was willing to work with zombies.

visually/appearance wise - i was more pale and my skin had a kind of light-grey-green-ish tint to it. the parts of me that fell off and had to be reattached ended up looking more purple-pink-ish for a while, but usually they'd go back to the grey-green color eventually. the whites of my eyes were more blue & my irises were dark grey. my veins were more visible through my skin and they were a lot darker, almost black. my natural hair color is brown and before i died i had my hair dyed black, afterwards the color just never faded and my hair didn't grow anymore so it didn't change much, but the areas where my roots were showing turned grey.

i can't rly think of any other specific things to talk about but if u have more questions or if u want more clarification on something i said here feel free to send another ask!!!

[definitelynotshouting]

Hello again! Im so sorry to hear you feeling well when i sent in my ask the other day :( hoping that the life series drop tmrw will provide a much needed distraction for whatever you need it to :)

-☀️

"I know the, um, this morning didn't go… very well… but… if I could—""

"Good, he thinks, but it's a rote sentiment, not half so vicious as it had been only hours earlier."

- oh??? 👀 i am looking

- Im assuming this is the meeting they had about taking grian back to hermitcraft (and the revelation that grian feeds on emotions to survive)?? Very curious

- Now that metaphor about the childhood coat being stained is a lot more painful

-☀️

"even stolen energy can't make up for that."

"everything he'd never had the first time he— well, when Grian, the real Grian— had died."

- "stolen energy" omg i am biting ankles over this.

- And the "real Grian" thing. Yeah

- This is one of those moments where grian's whole situation is so much more potent and vivid. Imagining living as myself, but knowing im occupying someone elses body, and having my very lifeforce sustained by others?? Its not hard to understand why grian internalises and hates himself for being "a parasite". Idk thats probably very obvious to everyone else but this is the first time ive really thought about all of what that entails

-☀️

"Starving hands reach out from the depths of his mind to pull him back, stumbling, under that dark waterline."

- Love how the word "starving" implies that G falling asleep is more of a survival mechanism forcing him under so that his body can feed rather than only exhaustion

-☀️

"he's pressed a knife to every promise he's ever made since the day he emerged,"

- shaking you

-☀️

"His existence lies in the shadows of these distorted fractures, jagged hopes and dented dreams, forever fated to cut his hands on the fragments."

- AHHHHJSLDHSJSVSN

- Man 🧍

- Dont have any words. Just tears.

AAAAAAAAAA SUN ANON I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU IN MY INBOX!!!! Gods im so glad these lines resonated with and interested you, they were a ton of fun to write

I have a brain today so i can actually expand on some of the things youve pointed out instead of just aiming heart eyes at you for the compliments fjsndjsjejke so for the first point, yes!!! Scar and Xisuma returned to the others post chap 6 and were like "Well that sucked!! Wow!!!!" I wouldnt say theyve given all the information to everybody, because they themselves aren't exactly ready to discuss that beyond the immediately required basics, but everyone else was given the gist: convo went badly, Grian is being taken back to Hermitcraft on Scar and Xisuma's insistence. Both Scar and Xisuma feel fucking horrible for how that conversation went down-- nobody had a good time there. So while the plan is to eventually get everyone up to speed, they're sorta taking this time to be miserable about what was essentially a fight that ended in stripping Grian of his autonomy

There's also a little cross-communication happening here in the background, btw: Scar and Xisuma have a pretty big picture now, but Tango, Mumbo, and Pearl have been fed that false info abt the potions being potentially useful. So, yknow :) just smth to keep in mind there haha

Your point about how it almost feels like Grian falling asleep is a survival mechanism is spot on the money. It's essentially him falling into a state of low power mode, where everything but his most basic of functions is shut down for a brief time in favour of preserving energy-- i would honestly consider it more equivalent to a coma than actual sleep. Hence Tango's concern, and subsequent relief when Grian woke up; the entire time he was unconscious, he was fully unresponsive. So, yknow. Real nerve-wracking to see, especially after that prior full week of unresponsiveness as his body struggled to maintain itself.

Tango's role here is indeed deliberate, both on a watsonian and doylist level!! The reason however is the exact same for both: Tango is a little more removed, personally, from this situation. Grian was-- and is-- his friend, ofc, but he's not as close to whats happening. Meanwhile, Xisuma is in 24/7 server babysitting mode, Pearl is not fit to be a caretaker, and Scar and Mumbo were tearing themselves apart by trying to sit and look after him. So Tango got assigned caretaker duties 😂😂😂😂 it was an effective way to divvy up tasks and keep everybody busy, and somewhat hilariously, so far Tango is the only person Grian isnt supremely upset with for one reason or another. And thats why he's continued to stay in caretaker mode lol he is truly just. The only guy who can rn

I also just sorta think of him as a surprisingly emotionally savvy fixer-type, in terms of personality. Like. I think he just gets what people set down in front of him, yknow? Although hell if he knows what to do with it once he's got em. He fumbles a lot, sure, and he defaults to fix-it mode, but he is getting the message when Grian essentially says "i dont wanna talk anymore" without actually saying it

As for Grian and his headspace, rn, theres definitely a complexity at work here where he wants to die and is very genuine in that, but he IS also grateful he's seeing his friends. He cant deny that. As painful as it is, he still loves them very much, and ultimately he's trying to do this for their own good as much as for his own sense of punishment and relief. I think like... now that he's really creeping up on what he has planned, and the pieces are suddenly becoming a reality, theres a bit of dissonance he's fighting against to stay on course. He wants his friends happy; he also wants to die. He's so overwhelmingly tired; he is, as much as he feels he doesnt deserve it, glad to have his friends close. That sort of hopelessness mixed with a warped sense of comfort that he got to see and interact with them one last time. If that makes any sense. Its a bit of complexity i wanted to make sure i added in, because people are so rarely fully decided on any course of action they choose to take, without even a single flicker of doubt (and especially one so final as this). Im glad youve picked up on that, and that you appreciate what i was trying to set down with it!!! :D

This was such a lovely message, as always-- you are very sweet, sun anon, and i appreciate you lots :] i hope you're having an excellent day!!!

[ohnoitsjetster]

jesse!!! hi!! i have one very important question for you: ARE‼️YOU 🫵🏼 DAN🧍‍♂️REYNOLDS🎤⁉️

(okay now for my real question, what’s your fav hatchetfield installment?? it could be a musical or nightmare time ep or even workin’ boys if you’ve seen it :] i’m curious!! oh also if you want you can tell me about orin, i’m vaguely familiar with lsoh but it’s been a while!! so yea, free pass to talk about your lil gay sadist of a dentist <3 this was just an excuse to give you an ask so yk you can really just talk about whatever)

SOL! Hi hi hi hi !! (Sorry for the late response)

OHOHO! A dual fandom ask !! This means another long rambling post for my four most dedicated followers to read!!!! Im sorry in advance!!! this will probably be boring to everyone but me!!!!

I think my favorite might be NPMD. That one changed my brain chemistry for sure. But so did TGWDLM, I really believe that watching Show Stopping Number at the tender age of, like 11… well it just explains a lot about how i turned out ([obligatory “fuck Robert manion”]). I also frequently shake Time Bastard, Killer Track, and Abstinence Camp around in my teeth like a dog like HAUUFHGIGJHJGKKGKFGKRGJ RFRRRGJGG RRHHRHHRHH HREHHEGEGHGRGHRHHHHFFNFHFGGHF like that. But yeah at the present moment I'm being insane about NPMD. The songs are all bangers (Yes all of them) and I am in love with every character (Yes every character). High School is Killing Me is kind of my anthem right now. For no. Particular reason. Also, your honor those three nerds are all literally me and also i am in love with them and also im that fucked up dead bully but in a totally normal way.

So. Speaking of fucked up dead bullies… ‘,:]

Orin Scrivello, DDS <3 my beautiful bbg who has never done anything wrong in his life except for literally everything he did. Worst guy ever. But hey, you can’t choose who you rotate around in your brain, or how many Pinterest boards you make about it. Another instance of “he’s literally me but obviously not actually at all but I think he’s silly so that’s basically the same thing.” A tale as old as time. I don’t know how many queer awakenings one person can have but I was definitely already trans and bi when I saw Orin for the first(?*) time last year, and now, well now im the same but im more pretentious about it and I own a leather jacket. (*I actually saw LSOH a long time ago when i was way younger, but I didn’t remember it almost at all and I’d thought “The Dentist” was like this mad scientist type character, which, not exactly wrong ig, so anyway he’s been swimmin around in my brain making me silly for who knows how long, but yeah probably just since last year). I swear to cope with hyperfixating on such a fucked up character I’ve literally been making au’s in my brain where he’s morally ambiguous, or gets a redemption arc (he does not fucking deserve a redemption arc he deserves to be chopped up and fed to a bitchy gay plant), or where he’s literally just a nice guy. Yeah I’ll sometimes just remove the character from this character to appease the brain demons. But the cool thing about the Not an Asshole™️ AUs is that, in the og, the whole story basically goes south when Seymour justifies killing to feed the plant cause he can kill that jerk Orin, so if he’s not a jerk maybe they all survive?? Idk i just like thinkin. Also… ALSO!.. I made a post a while ago that I might someday make Orin textpost memes using pictures from my actual stage production, and well, that day has come! or, will come, soon. I’ve made the pictures I just have to make the post. It was very fun Im excited to share em. Okay thats all TYSM for the ask bestie!!!

Oh and to address your first question…

I 🧑🏻 AM 💥 DAN🧍‍♂️REYNOLDS 🎤 ✅

[ralphiesaces]

these talks are making me so happy, im loving them

oh yeah all of the mechanics are invested. bets are placed (britta wins the bet)

britta, my queen, i never doubted you

she nails it down to the day, jensons first mechanic is the closest one, getting the week right. mark and david will tell off jenson for making them lose at least five times in the next two years

maybe she can be jenson’s engineer? or kimi’s pr manager— anywhere where she has to interact w seb daily. they’re def work-besties. britta has to deal w seb’s complaining and pining for sure

britta and seb being work besties is something that can be so important to me. she's not jensons pr so whatever is happening there is not her circus, but these are her monkeys so poor woman goes through a lot

seb: jenson is so nice and gorgeous and so out of my league we may as well be involved in different sports

britta: sebastian have you considered a possibility jenson thinks you are out of his league

seb: have you seen jenson britta be serious

britta: *looks at the camera like she's in the office*

and britta def points seb in the right direction— helping him to not feel so guilty about his feelings! we all need a friend like britta

once again, britta, my queen, i never doubted you

britta: *dragging sebastian to a room* here is jenson, here is one hour of you two being undisturbed, talk to each other, treat this like a debrief, bye

anon we’re basically writing this au completely right now and i love it

who do you think will be the first to break

i think jenson— he’ll be too fed up with “hiding” his feelings (but he’s not really hiding them from anyone) and will just flat out say it

seb will be flustered and not even realize jenson’s being serious (he thinks it’s a joke) and but jenson’s whole face is red bc he’s blushing too much and sebs like — oh. this is really happening

if seb were to break first i think it would be an accident. he fears too much about the implications that it could have on their jobs (he’s the brain of the relationship obviously)

after revealing his feelings he doesn’t run, just covers his face w his hands bc he’s embarrassed

and he’s trying to stutter out apologies through his hands and it’s muffled and this is the first time jenson has seen seb lose his composure

jenson gently pries sebs hands away from his face and he’s just staring with the biggest heart eyes ever bc he finds the blush on seb so adorable

and he’s forgetting to talk but seb has shut up too and is looking up at jenson, a little scared, but he sees the way he’s staring and has a little bit of hope

anon when i tell you the brain rot is insane i can’t even describe

at this rate this fic will be finished before my pundit!jenson one haha

[kagejima]

Oh-kay so I just spent the last however much time catchin up on your blog from the last week and a half —cause I usually have your post notifs on but I’ve been not on here in a minute.

BUT all this to say that I’m thinkin bout some nsfw Ushi things and since Wakatoshi Wednesday is upon us I thought I’d share with ya

—so I guarantee it’s been though of before but it’s fine lmao

Wakatoshi who doesn’t really acknowledge the size difference between you at first, because most everyone’s smaller than him so yeah of course his new partner is smaller that’s not abnormal

Wakatoshi who doesn’t pay attention until Tendou meets his partner for the first time and makes some comment like “they’re so small compared to you!” and “jeez that’s quite the size difference” and “you’re careful with them right?” in a teasing tone as he’s wagging his eyebrows “knowingly”

Now it’s “knowingly” in quotations because y’all haven’t done anything yet because Ushijima is respectful and the relationship is still on the newer side

But Ushijima is slowly becoming more aware of how much smaller you are than him—he thinks it’s … cute? Thinks you’re adorable

And when he finally decides to put you between him and a flat surface, caging you against the wall, with Tendou’s words hot in the back of his mind he realizes just how small you are. Just how much he towers over you and how much bigger he is.

Ushijima who can lift you off the ground like its nothing, like you weigh nothing. Who can twist your body to his liking and have you hovering over his cock that you think won’t fit. Because you’ve been aware of how much bigger he is than you.

Ushijima who encourages you with soft kisses and praises calling you his “pretty baby” and “you’ll be good for me right?” but still pauses and checks in with “you okay baby?” and “it’s okay if you want to stop” as he splits you open on his cock.

Ushijima who can’t help but get even harder as you whine about how big he is inside of you. Who can’t help but feel pride swell in his chest when you complain about being “so full” and he’s not even bottomed out.

Ushijima who watches as your eyes glaze over and jaw goes slack when he does bottom out.

Ushijima who realizes maybe he has a thing for how small you are compared to him. Who uses you like his personal fleshlight, bouncing you up and down on his cock as he praises you “how cute you look taking all of me” “look so small in my arms baby” “look so adorable all stretched out around me” “so pretty when you cum for me, do it again baby?”

Ushijima who fucks you until your whole body goes limp and you can’t do anything but babble his name and about how big he is.

Ushijima who now, every time he’s reminded of how much smaller you are than him, has to refrain from picking you up and manhandling you into whatever position he deems fit at the moment to have you babbling about him all over again.

…anyways. THAT WAS WAY LONGER THAN I MEANT— it’s 2245 for me…I need to go to sleep smh

Hope you have a good day !! <33

KAZE!!!! KAZE???!!!?!??! KAZE!!!!!!!!!

KAZE, HELLO????? HELLO???????????

im sendING YOU MY FUNERAL BILLS BC THIS TOOK ME OUT.

MY SIZE KINK JUST GOT FED SO WELL ohmyFUCKINGGOD!!!!!!!!

YOU GOTTA COME TALK TO ME MORE OFTEN, OHMYFUCKING GOD!!!!!!! MY BRAIN IS BROKEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT nobody look at me right now i am exPERIENCING

also my apologies for having notifications for me and expecting quality stories and its just text post goblin nonsense LMAOOO NFJSNFNSN 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ also when did tumblr start doing that, i gotta start doing that for moots!!!!!!!

[ivegotalongmemory]

(Spoilers) twd 11x18 thoughts except I'm so late again:

-everytime I hear them say fuck it makes me wish they could have used it from the very beginning of the show, or maybe that's just me and my excessive swearing anyway

-daryl can literally do whatever he wants and i will cheer him on, like yeah stab his hand!!!

-i know he's not, but it really looks like daryl is just stood there, hands on his man tits

-pamela is girlbossing hard today

-eugene asking max to go home with him, aww

-carol is not my favourite character these days but her and lydias relationship is so sweet, and the Henry mention got to me a little bit

-daryl and lydia hugs!!!!

-and aaron and gracie hugs, stop this is getting too much

-judith is definitely in her moody teen phase with all that arm crossing and poutyness

-u can tell how much I love these characters by how emotional I get when watching these scenes of them all. my lil divided family<3

-speaking of divided family, ezekiel wanting to stay in the commonwealth HURTS

-the annie and negan ultrasound is giving me flashbacks to maggie and glenn</3

-the angel wing vest is back on babyyyy

-daryl is #1 fed up uncle rn

-RICK MENTION BYE IM DONE

-my brain honestly just ignores the fact that rosita and gabe are still together, like even when they're on screen together my mind just decides that they're a couple of besties

-something about daryl admitting he doesnt know what he's doing, ouch

-sebastian slagging off the commonwealth??? Can't believe I'm saying it but I kinda loved his little rant

-things I never expected to see in the walking dead: whatever the fuck was going on with this wrestling ring

-obsessed with max after what she did with the tape<3 but also why did she not immediately leave as soon as it started playing

-sebastian screaming like a little boy while dying, hilarious

-also kinda lame that a walker killed him but I'm going to say it was eugene since technically he shoved the walker towards him soooo

-anyway good riddance little rich boy

[cringe-time]

I am so fucking fed up with everything. I wish I never went to school for art cuz now I have an art degree and every single job I find is looking for someone for a senior position, or something for motion graphic design, which I’m terrible at and hate. No one is looking for illustrators cuz they can just use ai for free, no one is looking for entry level animators, and the thing is I HATE practicing animation. I wish I chose a degree that didn’t involve so much self motivated work cuz I am the least self motivated person in the world. I might be able to practice animation if it wasn’t to the end of “so I can move out and pay rent and retire someday”, KNOWING that even if I was a half decent animator there would have to be a miracle to get a job that would pay enough for all that. It all just feels so pointless. And it doesn’t help that every single job description involves “working in a fast paced environment with tight deadlines” and “able to work on multiple projects at once”, which sounds like recruiter slang for “we’re gonna overload you with work for barely any pay”. I don’t like art enough to work harder to get better to MAYBE, if I’m lucky, get a job that breaks my back with work making nothing. My mom is always telling me that I need to work hard now and do everything I can now to get a job in art but the thing is I DONT WANT TO. It seems like no matter what job I get in art I’ll hate it cuz they’re gonna overload me with work I’m bad at, and I’m not even gonna get paid enough to live, assuming they don’t fire me and replace me with ai. She’s an accountant and I was considering going back to school for accounting so I think she’s trying to make sure I don’t follow in her footsteps and get a stressful soul crushing job, but for me that’s what pretty much any art job is gonna be too, so I’d rather get one that ensures I’ll be able to move out, afford rent and groceries, and retire.

And every time I try to look for art jobs I get so overwhelmed and stressed I always end up crying, without fail. So I don’t think that’s a good sign. I’m not good at researching so it’s hard to find jobs to apply for, I’m not good at lying so it’s hard to write resumes and cover letters saying “working in animation is my passion and im great at it”, I’m only ok at animating cuz it feels so pointless to practice when I hate it, and I’m barely improving, and you need to be the best of the best to get a job.

I think my mom has a point that a normal 9-5 is hell cuz you don’t have any free time, but I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t think I’d mind being a janitor but janitors don’t get paid a living wage. I’m not an ambitious person, and I wanna say I wish someone told me you kinda need to be ambitious and self motivated to be an artist, but they DID. AND I DIDNT LISTEN. I literally said “whatever, I’ll figure it out.” cuz I didn’t wanna think about what else I could do cuz I couldn’t think of a single other thing. I wish it wasn’t expected to decide what you wanna do for the rest of your life at 17. I wish there was a job that existed that both would pay me enough to live comfortably and not be hell on earth. I wish I didn’t need to get a job at all. I wish I could just turn off the part of my brain that cares about fun and comfort so I could just force myself to work. I don’t wanna put together a demo reel, I don’t wanna write a different resume and cover letter for every application, I don’t wanna prove what I can/can’t do to every recruiter. I just wanna say “I have the qualifications, I can do accounting, hire me please”.

And im terrified that if i do go back to school for something else like environmental science or accounting that it’ll be the same thing all over again, where I realize I hate it but I don’t know what else to do, so I just drift along, graduate, and end up stuck cuz finding a decent job in that field is impossible if you don’t care that much and can’t force yourself to spend all day applying to stuff you hate hoping you don’t hear back from them every day all the time. I just don’t know what to do

[kravitzkrusher]

One of my coworkers is fasting for his health and he keeps bringing it up and asking me to try it with him. I said no. I was polite about not wanting to every time he asked me. Until the last time. I completely broke. (tw: ed) (tw: depression)

I was like STOP ASKING ME TO FAST IM NOT GONNA. I've been badly recovering from anorexia for the past 12 years and all I do is relapse. It's not an option for me.

He kept pushing back and going but we ALL eat too much sometimes and we ALL could use time without food so we can focus on life-- bro he wasn't listening.

I was trying not to cry having to hold back all these horrible traumatizing emotions around food while he kept telling me I should starve myself for my health. I am shaking like bitch I cannot physically do that.

People fast because it doesn't feel good and it forces them to remember what's important like health or family or Jesus or whatever. When I start restricting, it feels amazing. I'm not trying to lose weight. It's a chance to give in to my depression and hurt myself in a nonviolent way. I am so happy to suffer, you have no idea. When I'm starving, I'm telling my depression YES YOURE RIGHT AND YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT LETS GO TO DISNEYLAND (aka heaven)!!

I am a much more radiant person when I have zero energy whatsoever because I feel like I'm getting what I deserve: nothing. My brain lights up with happiness!! I'm finally dying again! Hell yes! It wants me to keep going! Have a BLAST! I will lose control and go off the deep end. It's all fun and games and everyone's supporting me and cracking jokes. It's "haha! give that skinny bitch a cheeseburger!" Until I need to be force fed my first meal in six days. And I'm having to be held down in front of a plate. And I'm crying and vomiting and yelling at the people helping me because I don't want to be alive anymore and I was succeeding and they're fucking it up 👿👿👿.

Don't give everyone you meet the option to restrict their diet.

Please.

I had to beg this boy to leave me alone.

Fasting is not for everyone.

Food is not a distraction from God, it's not a great evil we should avoid. People need to eat to survive. It's not just "skipping a meal lol" food has valuable nutrients in it and we need those. For folks like me, every bite is like torture, they can't taste any happiness in what they're chewing because eating is not a good time. It's serious. My body is a science project now. It's biology. I am carbon based life form and I have to eat or else there's a knife against my throat🔪. That's not fun. That's extortion and I feel like I'm being held hostage. Eating is not something I personally can get addicted to because I hate it so goddamn bad, starving is fun as hell. I don't need a break from food. I've had more than enough breaks.

I couldn't tell my coworker all this. It was none of his business. And I shouldn't have to reveal trauma and depression and pain and eating disorders to have my "no" be respected.

Don't market fasting like it's easy and everybody can do it.

You have no idea what people are going through.

[bishiglomper]

"Can we PLEASE make your daughter pick up after her cat?!"

"No-Ooooo"

"Why not! I'll give her gloves!"

*defeated-like* "She can't because of her condition..."

"THAT'S BULLSHIT!"

(Reminded how Sisters friend made her small child too terrified to pet our cats (though she REALLY wanted to) because of the fear of toxoplasmosis. The kid is 4. They dont even have cats why is she instilling fear into a 4 year old about brain parasites?) (offendedoffendedoffended) (not because i dont think my cats cant possibly have it, just the principle of the situations)

.......

.........

"You know that means we're stuck with (bong water) for the next 9 months, right."

"I was trying not to think about it...."

Fuuuuuuuck

I was bitching in the first place because the dining room smells of pee. Sissy said she could clean up later.

We can only get to so much because of all the clutter. The house really started going to shit because of the wedding. So the pottying is happening between, under, and behind things.

I made us coffee and put in a new wax melt hoping it would help. Because im sitting closest to the dining room today.

And then while i was making coffee, right after this exchange, bong water comes and makes new contributions.

So i said fuck it, coffee isnt gonna help this smell, so i went and picked it up and took care of all I could reach.

My sister took offense because she thinks I'm fed up with her too and came to take over. I let her hand me a broom. I told her it didnt have anything to do with her, to do some dining room when she was feeling up to it.

She yelled at me saying if i worked I'd kick my heart up and feel like shit all day.

Like yeah? But thats just my life. If the dopamine, or spite or whatever is there i try to choose powering through what i can.

It true tho, now i dont really want the discomfort of drinking my coffee..

And to boot she made me food too.

Life is frustrating.

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it.