#like journalling. I'm doing it for my own good but don't force myself when I'm busy

[moondirti]

blue collar simon x gn! reader. implied cnc.

Simon finds a journal on his lunch break.

It's inconspicuous. A5 black moleskin with an elastic holding it's contents together, bits of paper sticking out like nails on a poorly constructed house frame. He only notices it because his cooler slips off the bench when he blindly places it atop the fat book, sandwiches and packets of crisps now strewn across the dirty pedway.

The day's already been shit. A motley of blows, each made worse by the torrid sun overhead, sweat to cling to his grievances. An uptight site manager. A near loss of life after some tenderfoot got caught in between an excavation truck and the wall. Even his too-long hair, which curls around red ears – having not had a chance to buzz it off since being called in for this job. It's no wonder, then, that the tiny mishap stirs as severe of a reaction as it does; he chucks his hard hat across the road, satisfied only when it finds its fate mid-lane, an obstruction to inevitably fuck the tires on a white collar's new car.

When his rage settles as smouldering ash in his chest, he picks his food off the floor and cracks open the source of his animosity.

With no name or number, the first page holds just a chicken-scratch address. Interesting. Its owner hasn't made this easy on him, crafting it like one would a game. A skewing of traditional acquaintance. Granting nothing of their superficial identity, yet unrestricted access to their innermost thoughts. Thus he's forced to paint his own picture of the figure behind the words.

And what a picture indeed.

The first entry is brief.

13.02 – My therapist expects at least three pages a week. I'm not doing any of that, so don't get your hopes up.

It's evident that you don't stick to your guns. Though the next one is dated several months later, so he see's the attempt had been made. Written in a whole new hand, like you'd picked a dry pen off the floor and practiced your non-dominant grip:

08.05 – I broke my arm playing tennis. The umpire called a match-point in my opponent's favour and I threw the racket at his head.

I am no longer allowed to play tennis. What good is that resolution? My radius has a greenstick fracture. I'm already out of the game.

His laugh is abrasive and sudden, like it'd been pried from his chest by a pair of careless hands. Or as close to that analogy as it can get – your anger is intoxicating and only grows more potent across the pages. Inadvertently amusing. Simon chews through the tough crust of his torpedo roll as he reads, time wearing away under the stiff comb of your words.

There's hardly any variation in your cataloguing –

10.06 – The universe must need more bad people in it, because it tests my limits everyday. Can the fuck next door snore any louder? It's 2 am, goddammit. I wonder if it'd be overkill to ship nasal strips to his mailbox.

26.06 – Dad called today. Didn't pick up.

04.07 – I'm close to killing Kathleen. There's a reason the food in the fridge is labelled as MINE. GET YOUR GRUBBY PAWS OFF OF IT!

13.07 – The world is a shitty, stupid, crappy, icky, lousy, rotten, stinking, stinky, bad place. I hate my coworkers and friends and parents and landlord and etc etc. It's like everyone is out to get me.

– so it's like the honed curl of a hook. Whiplash-inducing, reeling his attention so quick that his neck strains in phantom pain. Simon stops everything, elbows settling onto his knees as he fixates on one entry in particular.

30.07 – I stand by what I said. The world is uniquely horrible. I think that's because I make it that way for myself. Whatever this exercise was meant to do for me, rage relief or introspection or whatever, it's clearly not working. I'm just as angry as I was before. Maybe burning these pages would help. I wish I could play tennis again. I don't know what to do with my hands anymore. I got fired last week. Need groceries. Eggs, spinach. Spinach always goes bad and I never make use of it. I keep buying it though. Dad keeps calling. I've got a migraine and I've run out of advil.

I just need someone to put me in my place.

And it ends there. No more entries after the fact, just a handful of blank pages before the journal wraps to a close.

He flips back over to the address at front. Looking at it a second time, he can tell the ink is still fresh.

Perhaps he misinterprets it. Perhaps it hits a little too close to home. It wouldn’t be the first time he looks for salvation in the empty lines someone leaves behind. Perhaps it’s just been a bad day, and he should go home before he does something he’ll regret. Perhaps it’s nothing at all.

Or–

Perhaps he sees it for what it is.

Here are all my colours. What you choose to do, or think, is no longer my concern.

[malusokay]

Small things that changed my life

Complimenting people. If you think someone looks good, tell them!!

Prioritising self-care!! I always do my nails, take care of my hair, skin-care. Non-negotiable.

Taking more pictures. Capturing all the little fun and lovely moments and being able to look back at them is one of my favourite things!! <33

Making time to call my friends/family. Catching up with my friends or my Mom, who travels for work, is a must!!

Finding hobbies that don't include my phone or computer. Reading, baking, working out, shopping, journaling, making collages, planning outfits <3

Stretching and working out regularly. Feeling good and looking good? Win-win.

Smiling more. Forced happiness. Kinda like manifesting, lol..

Listening to more music. I always listen to music. Life is a movie; obviously, you need a soundtrack?? Follow me on Spotify, lol <33

Going on long walks. I started two years ago when the whole 'hot girl walk' thing was trendy, and now I can't live without it!! I look forward to my walk all day long lmao.

Hydrating >>> exfoliating. I used to exfoliate my face every day… big mistake… HYDRATION.

Annotating. I've always been an avid reader, but annotating my books has completely changed my reading experience. Love it!!

Self obsessing. In a good way. I'm so in love with myself and you should be too. <33

As always, please feel free to share your own little tips in the comments; I'd love to read them!! <3

[floydira]

back at it again at Krispy Kreme.

Hello again!! It's me the silly anon (☆—(≧⁠▽°)★~) I have another request. I was kinda thinking about another Floyd x transmasc reader one shot idea and I thought to myself "hey! Wouldn't it be could if they had a egg (baby) together?" :3.

This doesn't have to be NSFW/smut at all and you don't have to do this if you're uncomfortable with it (obvi, I don't think I can force you into writing this (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) ). Anyway, thank you!!!!! - anon ☆—(≧⁠▽°)★~

(p.s. I loved the other fic, it was great :3)

₊˚﹒✶﹒Taking Care Of Our Own .ᐟ

floyd having a baby with transmasc reader.

heads up! established relationship, usage of endearment terms, parenthood & a baby.

note ; hello silly anon!! this was a cute request. ngl this was kind of hard for me bc I don't really experience writing about parent stuff 😭 but I tried my best. I might make a continuation of this with the relationship between floyd and the reader with the baby and their dynamic, if you want.

floyd woke up with a mixed coloured egg in his hair, he was surprised at first.

he immediately talked to you about the egg, how excited but nervous he was and was eager to hear your viewpoint about it.

"we're having a baby! It would be so pleasant to take care of our own baby, but I'm so nervous. what if I mess up?" he said to you.

"I'm sure you won't, love. you've already done a good job loving me and taking care of me, I'm sure you'll do a good job for our baby too. plus, you won't be alone! I'll be right here with you, along the way. we can do this!" you reassure him while holding his hands.

"you're right. it's funny, I'm usually the one who says stuff like that yet you're the one saying my things back to me. thanks, honey." he gives you a warm smile as he leans in to hug you, a little tighter than usual. you take notice of that and pat his back gently.

It's been a few days since floyd first woke up with the egg in his hair. he hasn't informed any of his brothers yet about his situation. for now, only you and him know. he says he's saving it to tell when the egg finally hatches.

you were both doing your own stuff. with you cooking and floyd writing inside his journal.

you call floyd over to eat as you've finished cooking. he comes in and sits down across from you.

while you both ate, you decided to ask,

"so when's the egg gonna hatch anyway? do you have any idea?"

"not really, hun. I'm not too sure about it eith–" he gets cut off by the sound of something.

"Is that the egg?" you ask him.

floyd puts his hand in his hair and brings the egg out. lo and behold, the egg is moving– or well– shaking.

"oh gosh, it's happening!" floyd exclaims.

you both watch the egg shaking as it slowly cracked, your baby pops out!

it has traits from both you and floyd mixed together.

you suddenly hear sobs coming from floyd. you tear your eyes away from the baby that floyd is cradling to look up at him. his eyes filled with tears, happy tears.

you chuckle lightly, "oh, you baby..." you say to him as you wipe his tears away.

both of your hearts were warm and filled with joy as you stared at your own little baby that just hatched.

━━━━━━━━━━

It's been a week since your baby hatched from the egg. only now have you and floyd invited his brothers, along with poppy.

"oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" poppy screams excitedly. she's playing with the baby's tiny hands and fingers, talking to it in a baby voice.

"It's so cute! agh, you guys made the cutest baby I've ever seen!" poppy remarks, while cradling the baby in her arms.

"well, of course, it came from me and floyd. two hotties together make a cute baby." you state playfully, with a subtle wink towards floyd. floyd only giggles with his cheeks slightly heated.

"have you guys named it yet?" john dory asks.

"nope, but we're thinking about it." floyd answers.

"ooh! ooh! name suggestions! how about indigo, or eden?!" poppy suggests, bouncing lightly.

"what about haven? it has a nice touch to it." branch spoke.

"what do you think, hun?" floyd turns to you, with a smile visible on his face.

you thought deeply about it, "I think haven does have a nice ring to it." you affirmed.

you notice branch subtly light up from you considering his suggestion.

"ooh, bummer...I wanted my one to be picked." poppy mutters to herself.

"have you already prepared yourself for parenthood, floyd?" bruce asks.

floyd chuckles awkwardly, "to be honest, not really, but I think I'll manage."

bruce pats floyd on the shoulder, "if you need any advice, you know who to go to."

bruce gives him a singular finger gun.

"if your kid wants to visit putt putt village sometime, feel free to come." clay states

"will do, clay, will do." floyd replies.

after a while of conversing and hanging out, with some of them playing with your baby, floyd's brothers, along with poppy finally leave your humble abode, leaving you and floyd alone together. with the baby, of course.

"you thinking what I'm thinking" you say to floyd while moving your eyebrows up and down mischievously.

floyd rolls his eyes and shakes his head while grinning like a lovesick fool in denial playfully as a nonverbal reply to what you said. he hugs the baby closer in his arms and intertwines his hands in yours.

[itsclydebitches]

Don't mind me, everyone, just gonna slip on my Tedependent conspiracy hat for a bit...

Okay, for real though, can we talk about how Trent's backstory in 3x06 completely re-contextualizes his dinner with Ted in 1x03? Based on my own interpretation, the implied timeline is that Trent was married to a woman, attempted to come out to her and was dismissed (perhaps in large part because they were married: what do you mean you're gay? You can't be. You love me, etc.), either having his daughter forced Trent to become more honest about what he and his family needed, or they had her in an attempt to "fix" the marriage, she gets caught in the crossfire of all this, Trent comes out again, this time his wife believes him, they divorce, are still good friends, and their daughter is happier than ever because she has two loving parents who are now living their best lives.

Given her age - 3 at the start of the series, about 6 now - that means there's a decent possibility that Trent was still married at the beginning of the show.

And that his dinner with Ted is one of the things that pushed him to try coming out again.

As his core Ted is someone who is authentic and that authenticity is what catches Trent's interest. He's dismissive of it at first, literally thinking it's a "fucking joke," only to later end up with the revelation, "You really mean that, don't you?" - that Ted honestly enjoyed spending time with him. AKA, Ted says and does what he means, even when it seems completely unbelievable. How freeing must that be to see? I'm just imagining this interview-turned-dinner through the eyes of a man who is still unhappily married, mostly closeted, and struggling to help his daughter through the stress of that dynamic. Then he meets this sunshine of a coach who is so authentically himself that it initially comes across as an act, an exaggeration, a joke. But Ted never wavers, simply refuses to be anything other than himself. Soon he's doing even more than that, breaking down gender norms by characterizing the masculine, aggressive Roy Kent as the "little girl" from A Wrinkle in Time, burdened with the responsibility of leadership. He turns what should have been the end of a horrific day of shadowing into a dinner date and Trent finds himself answering the hard-hitting questions instead of his interviewee. Ted brushes off his accusation of greed with, "Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid?" but Trent is completely caught off guard by Ted's "What do you love?"

The textual answer is "writing" and the fun fandom answer is "you," but if this is a Trent who still hasn't fully come out yet that's! A hell! Of a question!!! A closeted, queer individual's mind is going to jump to their biggest secret and, when offered an out, they're going grasp at it, so Trent eagerly agrees with Ted's guess of "writing" the same way Colin eagerly pulls the 'This is a gay bar? Haha, my mistake' card and makes a run for the door. Reading this interaction as Trent not just being gay, but potentially being closeted and unhappily married makes it less about the journalism (this strange coach likes me and thinks I can be a good person despite my invasive career choice) and more about his sexuality. Oh, no big deal, just having an intimate dinner with another good-looking man who's questioning me on love of all things and slowly inspiring me to be the best version of myself, which would require coming out to my wife again. This is a totally normal and not at all life-changing night! I definitely don't need to run away now!!

Via this reading Trent's article feels so loaded. Ted is "out there in the community" either "bravely or stupidly facing the music." That sounds a hell of a lot like a parallel to literally coming out and facing the music of a community's potential rejection, with Ted's American background/inexperience/unique personality acting as a stand-in for sexuality; the reasons he's labeled a "wanker" before anyone actually gets to know him - as the pub trio does while those very words are narrated by Higgins.

And then we have this:

"If the Lasso way is wrong, it's hard to imagine being right.... and though I believe that Ted Lasso will fail here... I can't help but root for him."

There are other elements at play here, like the football's celebration of ego and the threat of the club being relegated, but underneath it really sounds like a still-cynical Trent wanting to see the kind of changed world that those like Ted could bring about, but not really believing that it's possible. Given his history, is he really just talking about football when it comes to "the Lasso way"? I doubt it. Trent is potentially feeling trapped at this point in time, pessimistic to the point where yes, he still thinks that Ted will fail at football and creating a more inclusive, accepting community... but even still, Trent can't help but root for him. Of course he can't. He wants what Ted is offering. He needs it.

But then, of course, Ted succeeds! Not just in doing well by the club, but by the community as a whole. He maintains that inspiration and hope until, potentially, Trent felt like he could do something about his own situation. He found the nerve and strength to try again. So he comes out to his wife, they divorce, their daughter is happy, he goes on a date with a mustached man at the local pub, ditches him to try and 'interview' Ted, blows up his career because he realizes that his job is undermining the very thing he's been rooting for and he can't not give Ted a heads up, begins shadowing Ted as he looks for something "deeper," and then comes out to Colin, gazing wistfully across the water as he imagines being able to kiss a man after a win...

I'm not saying Ted Lasso is going to go there - and I'm DEFINITELY not saying there should be ANY accusations of queer baiting if/when they don't, because we've absolutely built the majority of this ship in fandom spaces - but I AM saying that if Trent's potential intersection of his history with Ted's influence and Ted's desire to shake things up while imagining bisexual triangles actually led to something... it would be a damn well done setup!

[lemontunasoup]

2024 game journal entry ✨️

I grew up with the Final Fantasy series, so delving into its newest entry was a great adventure.

Pages written out under the cut.

Final Fantasy XVI logged into the game journal.

Full post under the cut.

Final Fantasy XVI

Start date: 12/16/2023

End date: 2/5/2024

Platform: ps5

Hours played: 137 hours

Positives:

- characters were compelling, and I genuinely cared about them

- lore was very engaging

- combat felt fun and snappy

- side quests were engaging and fleshed out the world a lot!

Negatives

- very easy to get over-powered very quickly

- a LOT of side quests! I loved the lore but sometimes it was hard to get back to the main story

- no chocobo theme :(

Final Fantasy is a series I've grown up with. I remember sitting on the floor of my cousins playroom at 9 years old, both of us freaking out over how much we loved Squall. Despite that, it's been a while since I genuinely enjoyed a modern Final Fantasy title, so I went into this with cautious optimism, and I was greatly rewarded with a game I thoroughly loved!

When I heard the phrase "mature Final Fantasy" I was afraid it would be misery porn. A lot of the time people seem to think of "mature" as frit, gore, sex, profanity, and death for deaths sake because the equate maturity to misery. Nit only did this game avoid being overly miserable and edgy, but it leaned into themes of hope and positivity while not straying from themes of grief. It was a refreshing approach.

I had one gripe with gameplay, and that was I felt very overpowered early on. I quickly fixed it by only doing plot necessary fights and leaning into story over playing around in the field. Sometimes the side quests felt like they pulled away from the main story during moments of urgency (even if I loved the side quests) which sometimes made the pacing jarring. I can't, however, imagine the game without them. They breathed an incredible amount of life into the world, so I learned to enjoy them as breaks and a breather between action.

Something I really valued was how the game set up a villain to be BIG and IMPOSING, a threat to be reckoned with, and time after time it delivered on that feeling. No boss or built up force felt like it was a let down. If an event was shown to be life or death, it truely was life or death!

"It wasn't a good death we should be fighting for, but a better life."

I didn't expect to love Clive as a character as much as I did, but I'm a sucker for a man who goes through unspeakable trauma and comes out the other end kind. It was also nice to finally have an older protagonist.

While talking about characters, I found myself feeling deeply for all of their struggles. The world felt big and lived in, and the characters themselves felt alive. Towards the beginning, when Cid died, I remember thinking, "wow this is actually rough. I really liked Cid!" I remember thinking, "the deaths of any more main characters would be painful as I get to know them more is THAT hurt!" So I was hoping it wouldn't happen! And oh boy... this game isn't afraid to kill it's darlings.

By the end, I was sitting with my mouth hung open like "oh okay, they really just did that."

But I think it was the perfect ending, the only way to end a game that places importance on life after grief, on a legacy, on choosing your own life AND death, on planting a seed you'll never see grow into a tree.

"My dad always said there's two ways to live life; chasing after a dream or slowly shuffling to your grave"

Sometimes, I need that message of hope. Humanity is messy. We don't have a reason to go on, but we do. We reach out for a shoulder to lean on and keep going even if it seems hopeless to do so long down the line.

That part is very much true.

[lilith-little-world]

Hi, if you still do request I was thinking of a reader x swk or sem. The reader is a sort of time traveler (much like the guy from that movie the butterfly effect) in which she can posses her past selves bodies by looking at picture, video, or reading her diary from that current version of her. During those possessions of get past self her current self (who she posses has no memory of that time of being possed "blacks out") the whole reason for the diaries. She posses an old version of her after her body had previously been dying killed by possed swk during the lbd fight. So she had lived through everything previously and knows whats going to happen.

Ahhh, I can smell the angst from here, I love it! Also don't worry, I'm still doing requests, just been busy and my had to switch from writing on my phone to my laptop, since my Grammarly keyboard officially broke on my phone...

Had to deal with my mom asking questions about what I was writing, since it was now obvious I was up to something.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this wasn't how you expected it, I got too caught up with the angst.

Saving Myself Then You|| Oneshot

Fate is cruel, and the path that leads to it is more brutal. Never have you thought of the person you cared about most trying to take your life. Well, in his defense, he was being possessed and was forced to. However, that didn't stop the fear rushing through your veins. Those piercing, cold blue eyes never left your fearful ones. Yet bravely facing the ruthless creature that brought havoc to heaven itself. Even so, you caught glimpses of the man you love trying to break free from that demon’s control, yet it wasn't enough. 

Nezha happened to be trapped in a thick layer of ice, stuck until someone got him out. Mk disappeared to who knows where, one moment was right behind you, and now he was gone. Which left you to fend for yourself, to survive on your own. You mentally pat your back for lasting this long, questioning if you have gotten good at dodging or was just pure luck.

“Well, at least I got to say I went up against the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven… You're not going to kill me, right? I'm on the ground, defeated. You win.” You said weakly. 

It didn't take a genius to realize things were about to get messy. You didn't want to believe it, trying to last long enough for Wukong to break free. Be that as it may, there was one thing you had forgotten. You were going up against a being that had fought the celestial army and defeated it with ease. 

In other words, you were getting your ass kicked and will not last long enough. Wukong steadily walks towards you. Ready to finish this fight, once and for all. 

“And here I thought, I was never going to use this power.” You mumbled.

Wukong glances at your hands when he sees you pull out the small diary. Quickly, he lunges at you, trying to tear the small journal out of your hands. 

Perhaps, you shouldn't have said that out loud in hindsight.

He pins you to the ground, putting his entire weight to keep you from moving. The air from your lungs forcefully escapes. The heavy pressure on your chest prevents you from taking another breath. Panic floods your mind, trying to open the journal. Any situation was better than this. You tear out a page from one of the recent entries. Wukong expression never changed from the intimating stern look. He glances at the book, casting it aside before settling on the torn paper. Your lungs burn from the lack of air, putting every last energy into reading the text. Your vision fades as it changes to the once-familiar setting.

You gasp loudly. The burning in your lungs serves as a haunting reminder of the future. You fall to your knees with tears falling from your eyes. Not only that, but you try to take as much air in your lungs, afraid of losing it again.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Tang gently places a hand on your shoulder.

You wiped the tears from your eyes. Finally, register where you ended up. Everyone was staring at you, worried. However, you stare at the person who tried to kill you in the near future. His lovely golden eyes were wide with worry. He was close to the cliff, ready to fly off to fight LBD. You push yourself up and rush at him, anger written on your face. Clasping on the hem of his shirt, you brought him down to your level.

“You better sit your ass down and listen! We are not doing this again!” You shout, letting your temper take control. 

Wukong stays silent but nods. Yet you didn't dare let go of his shirt, your glare never leaving his nervous face. 

“I’m assuming, from your mood right now. I failed to defeat the Lady Bone Demon.” Wukong laughs nervously, hoping that your foul mood lightens up. It did not.

“What do you think?” Your eyes narrow.

Wukong didn't say anything, silently cursing his future self for upsetting you. A sigh escapes from you, finally breaking the death glare. You let go of his shirt and wrap your arms around him. 

“Please don't go.” You whispered, leaning close, locking your lips with his.

Wukong body was tense, before relaxing and returning the kiss.

“I won't go, alright? Don't worry, I’ll be right here.” He said softly, resting his forehead on yours. 

The two of you, enjoying the small moment. Tears once again fall from your eyes, not from sadness, but in relief. 

“Sorry to ruin this cute moment, but please tell me you have a plan.” Mk said.

You let go of Wukong, wiping the tears away, and face the bruised-up group. 

“I- do not… I kind of nearly died.” It was your turn to nervously laugh.

“You, WHAT?” Everyone yelled in unison. 

“It wasn’t fun and I rather avoid that, so Wukong, stay here and come up with a decent plan this time.”  You glance at everyone, seeing their shocks faces turn serious but determined. 

“Any ideas?”

[takataapui]

for the tarot ask game -

The Fool – What do the earliest stages of work on a game look like for you? OR How did you get into game design?

The Choice — Which do you prefer: drafting or editing? Design or playtesting? Beginning projects or ending projects? Fluff or mechanics? Or a pair of your own invention.

Fortitude — What are your tricks for staying motivated in the middle of a project? OR Are you interested in making game design a career?

The Hanged Man — What other creative pursuits do you have? OR What current trends in game design are you most interested in?

Death — Talk about an idea you’d love to make that no-one would expect from you.

The Tower — Talk about about a game you tried to make that crashed and burned.

The Star — Talk about a game you’re working on and what excites you about it.

The Sun — Talk about a game you’ve made that you’re proud of.

Thanks so much for these questions!

For the Tarot RPG Designer ask game.

The Fool – What do the earliest stages of work on a game look like for you? OR How did you get into game design?

My very first game design attempt was of a Playbook in Wanderhome! I had joined the Unofficial Wanderhome discord server, and had realised suddenly that people could create supplementary content for existing games, and oh hey, maybe I had an idea to do just that! The playbook (which I've been wanting to revise!) is called the Freed, and is based around the theme of someone who's been possessed for some time, and has recently been freed. It's about what they choose to do with their life now, and how they rebuild themself. This premise is based on one of my more frequent and terrifying delusions.

The Choice — Which do you prefer: drafting or editing? Design or playtesting? Beginning projects or ending projects? Fluff or mechanics? Or a pair of your own invention.

Drafting is more fun (I probably should put more effort into editing actually, but it's so boring!). Design for sure, I don't typically playtest my solo journaling games. Ooh the third is hard! I can't choose! Beginning is so exciting, when you have that rush of an idea and the world is full of possibilities. But the end is so good too, when it all comes together, and you've done the layout, and the feeling of satisfaction when you put it out in the world. Fluff for sure, I relate to the lyric game genre of ttrpgs.

Fortitude — What are your tricks for staying motivated in the middle of a project? OR Are you interested in making game design a career?

G-d, I wish I had some! I think I've learnt with my ADHD, that forcing myself isn't productive, so for me, it's about the waves of motivation. Generally though, with the exception of 'the farmer and the bog body' the rest of my games have been created in one or two sessions. If I don't manage it in that time, it's unlikely I have enough interest to keep going until the end and it sits in the pile of unfinished games.

The Hanged Man — What other creative pursuits do you have? OR What current trends in game design are you most interested in?

Crochet is my big one! Then lino printing is a recent one I've picked up, and calligraphy is one I've had for many years but haven't done much of recently.

Death — Talk about an idea you’d love to make that no-one would expect from you.

The easy answer here is anything that isn't wetland themed lol. I've made a bit of a brand for myself at this point, with a 70% wetland game ratio! I don't really have any super out there ideas. I want to make some games based on Māori stories/creation stories. I'm in the beginning phases!

The Tower — Talk about about a game you tried to make that crashed and burned.

Okay so, I'm also doing my undergrad in Anthropology, and I did a 300 level paper on combining design with anthropology in a very broad sense, and as part of that course we looked at participation, and read the Ladder of Citizen Participation. A friend I made through the course was a boardgame designer, I'm a ttrpg designer, we decided to join forces and made a ttrpg using this model. We had one design session, we struggled to agree on things, and we never met up to keep working on it haha. Somehow in my Notion database, it has the title of 'Spinach', and I can't for the life of me remember why.

The Star — Talk about a game you’re working on and what excites you about it.

I mentioned above that one I'm starting about Māori creation stories! I'm using the 7 Questions RPG system by Morgan Davie, which I used also for 'the farmer and the bog body' . The system was originally made for a more plot based story, but in farmer+bog body, I used it for a conversational game, and really enjoyed using it in that way, and immediately had a bunch of ideas about ways to use it in that form, and this was one! The game will be a conversation between Ranginui, the sky father, and Papatūānuku, the earth mother, two pivotal characters in Māori creation stories. I'll be using a fair amount of Te Reo Māori (the Māori language), and am planning to have audio files attached to each use of te reo, which is gonna be a lot of work, but I'm excited for it! I'm also planning to include an outline of the creation story too, which I'm a little nervous to write out tbh. We'll see how that goes! But the most exciting thing, is that as far as I am aware of, there aren't any ttrpgs that are focused on Māoritanga and pūraukau Māori, so it's exciting to maybe be one of the first to explore that!

The Sun — Talk about a game you’ve made that you’re proud of.

I answered this also here talking about 'the farmer and the bog body', but now I'll talk about 'these little delusions', which is a one-page rpg I made that is an approximation of what my delusions are like. It was fun to play with my understanding of what a rpg is, and map my experiences onto rpg mechanics. This game is quite intensely personal to me and felt very vulnerable to make, so I really am quite proud of how it came out and how I managed to make something like it.

Thanks again for the questions!

[vitaminseetarot]

Aquarius Full Moon PAC - General Messages 🖤💗❤️

The full moon in Aquarius is finally here! I hope you're getting the chance to enjoy some sunshine in between these bright moonlit evenings. I sure have had my fill from this last weekend; I got the royal sunburn to prove it! Owo#

(Life lesson: apply sunscreen, then do it AGAIN.)

Aren't you glad we can't get moonburns? One could get burned sitting on the moon, sure, but it's kinder than to send that kind of energy back down to Earth. The moon allows us to see the sun's light without dying, which I can appreciate. But I'm going off on a tangent! Below are three images based on color palette cards I've picked for your reading. I've also added some emoji hearts for additional guidance. Please time all the time you need to select your pile when you're ready.

(1, 2, 3 - images from pixabay, divider from @saradika)

Pile 1. Tahoe Blue + Black Heart

X Wheel of Fortune, 7 of Pentacles, XXI World; Sun - Source, Space (Black), New Moon Gemini - Communication is Key

"I'm curious about my true nature; I seek to understand myself."

I feel such stillness and calm with this pile. You have so much blue present in your pile asides from the palette card! And watery energy too; your moon quote card has a lake on it too! Still yet deep. I'm hearing that this pile is getting a big upgrade to your throat energy. It's for both ways, listening and speaking, but I think speaking is being highlighted here more. This is in order to help you move through a bigger phase of your life that's yet to come. You may be feeling like you're ready to come out of your shell, even if just for a short while. There's a sense of grand change occurring in your external world, something that has been in the background or in the works for a long time has finally begun to culminate during this potent full moon time.

You have have recently closed a big chapter in your life and cleared out the muck. Now it's like you're standing before a canvas and you're ready to paint something new. The lunar force moving now allows a turn of luck to flow towards you like a water wheel. It's also purifying your intentions. When you have the place to be still and concentrate on where you want to go next, things can really quickly line up in your favor. With this extra space, whatever that has been building in the background may finally come out and be seen and heard. There's no resistance to this buildup, or there was resistance but it's been removed through this clearing out. You're being asked to savor this brief time. Not just make use of it, because in a way it's growing on its own, but to actually enjoy where you are right now. To get into the mindset of the person on the 7 pentacles card harvesting their abundance, that all is working out at a good pace.

You're being recommended to journal or write during this phase, perhaps like paragraphs of where you're going next (like a vaunt). I'm also getting vision boards for you would help if you need inspiration, or lyrical songs. I'm getting that communications will help you move into the next stage. This whole reading reminds me of someone who's finally finished the manuscript of their book and is sitting in that serenity of having completed something important. But, dear, that's not the end of it! You still need to bring it out into the world for it to be as evident as you see it in your mind. You still would need to get an agent and submit the manuscript to publishers for review.

Communication is being highlighted here as being that which you need in order to move along. Furthermore, you're being asked to tune into yourself for answers on where you'd like to go next, as no one else can tell you. People don't just go out on the lake for peace and quiet, they go to find a piece of themselves and to tune into that for spiritual guidance. May the boat be your lucky charm this full moon, pile 1. Not just to find yourself on the open water, but to connect you with other shores as well.

Pile 2. Sunflower Seed + Pink Heart

Queen of Cups, Queen of Swords, 4 of Cups; Vesta - Hearth, Love (Pink); Full Moon Virgo - You Are Good Enough

"Beauty raises my vibration; I seek it for joy."

For the rest of this month, you are focusing solely on your own needs. Like it or not! [blows coach whistle] But no, seriously, I'm not getting busybee vibes from this pile, I'm getting "poor dehydrated bee that's fainted on a flower" kind of feel. Maybe you're actually dehydrated and tired! This could also be true for your garden if you have one. You may need extra TLC around this full moon. You've been stretching yourself too thin but you'll be in much-deserved receiving mode in order to heal. I like that two Queens showed up and one of them is of Swords. She knows better than to spend her precious time worrying over the trifling things. She knows when to disconnect and tune into what's important. And Queen of Cups says that important thing is your own emotional wellbeing and comfort.

Your quote card features a person standing at the peak of a mountain with arms stretched out towards the moon in accomplishment. You either are or have been working intensely on something for the last few months. It either has or will soon come to a full head and with that comes a surge of expended energy. Similar to midterms or the week before a holiday when the workflow doubles. It's a crunch time! Since it's summer and you may not be in midterms or busy on vacation, this could be a reference for later this year or fiscal quarter. Take care that this busy time coming up isn't going to drain you.

You could have opportunities come up near the middle of autumn that's gonna want your attention. You'll want to be fully hydrated and refreshed for when it finally shows up. The 4 of cups can sometimes be about blind spots, or the blessings we don't see readily available because we're too tired and burnt out to really see what's there. It's highlighting this opportunity and wants you to make the most of it.

You could be feeling a strong pull to stay at home and focus on your craft, project, or hobby. Perhaps you're busy squeezing out the most free time you can while you have it. Again, avoid the sense of pushing like "oh man, I only have a week of summer vacation left oh geez what do I do?!" It's not a matter of sitting around and doing nothing all vacation only to hurt ourselves trying to be On 24/7 for a semester. That's not sustainable. Make the most out of your time, but make sure you have time carved out in between the high energy weeks of being productive. A sunflower without water can't stand and a bee without rest can't fly!

Pile 3. Clover Patch + Red Heart

XVII Star, XVI Tower, XV Devil; Progressions - Journey, Anger (Red), Waxing Crescent - Have Faith in Your Dream

"I gather more wisdom each day."

This pile … hoo boy. This would be my pile if I had to choose one, so I'm with y'all on this. Okay, I got the instant message that you are trying to manifest something very VERY big right now. I mean big like new car, apartment, longterm relationship, just something that's gonna upgrade and transform your life in a big way. It could even be education as one of the cards has a book in center. The thing is, Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither is your manifestation gonna instantly appear when you're desperately trying for it to cause desperation doesn't usually bring positive outcomes, it usually winds up with Fun With Dick and Jane type scenarios to play out. Also stress.

You have three major arcana cards in a row, with the tower card smacked right in the middle like a spicy sandwich cookie (would I even try one?) So I get it. This is likely a very significant full moon for you, supercharged as it's an Aquarian supermoon, and you got Aquarian Star as your first card, so emotions will be running a bit hot. Unpredictable swings. Sudden "bursts". But don't suppress your feelings of frustration, you'll just need to redirect these emotions differently.

You gotta be patient and watch it unfold organically. Even if you're manifesting the demolition of something, there is strategy to it. Demolition workers don't just go in and do what they please, they have to be mindful of their surroundings and what impact they'll make when they make it. When gardeners prune, they're mindful of the angle of the cut, knowing that the right cut can grow just as the wrong cut can infect. Let things go as they may. Things can start moving smoothly or quite abruptly, so focus from a place of expecting that it's already coming and strategize from there. You got the Star card, so something fortunate is indeed coming for you. There is a little Leprechaun luck on your side. It'll be easier to see that once you're able to move past old blockages that are delaying your manifestation. Listen to the leprechaun and not the little voice on the other shoulder telling you that you need to panic over the small things.

See the current time you have as a manifestation in itself, as a product of you believing that you need extra time to cook up the right end goal. See this time you have as a blessing, not just an in-between state. Make good use of this time. There is no reason why the process can't be as fun as the destination. Your inner child is being subtly asked to come out to play for a spell. This pile may be into doing witchcraft spells; if so, grab a little glitter and sprinkle some magic into your day, especially a time-based spell like a growing plant or burning a candle. If anything, it will boost morale which is often more important for manifestation than simply applying routine and logic to everything. I'm also getting that journaling may be of interest to you, whether it's writing down meditation notes or affirmations or just venting. Get creative even and write a poem about your wishes. Try to incorporate more writing in general into your moon magic. (Thoth would be pleased.)

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

2023, @VitaminseeTarot ™

[princesspastel8]

Chapter 2: "I'll Wait"

Dipper POV

The air still held gloom from the news of my parents' death that I caused of course. It isn't hard to create your own bomb. Seriously, who sells the products on store shelves without asking for an ID or a background check? Idiots.

I'm currently sitting at the kitchen table next to Mable, who's really out of it. I believe she's the most hurt out of us all. She was their favorite. I had good grades. I helped around the house when money became an issue. I never went to them for anything. I took care of myself more than they ever have, but because I wasn't full of bubbles and loaded bullshit I never pleased them.

I sigh heavily, running my hand through my hair. I glance at mable and sigh again. She hasn't even touched her pancakes. "Mable, you have to eat. You don't want to lose that figure you worked so hard to get over the years." I point out blankly.

Mable looks at me for a second, then turns her head back to her breakfast. "But Dipper.....our parents...their-"

I cut her off by patting her head. "I know, Mable....I know. I'm hurting too, but our parents wouldn't want us to moron for too long. They would want us to explore life while keeping them in our hearts. It's okay to moron, but don't use the youth you still have to do it. Why don't you call Grenda, Candy.....oh! And maybe even Pacifica? It seems like you two were getting along at the party. Yeah?"

Mable smiles a little, picking up her fork. "Yup! She was so nice! She even said how sorry she was and got me this necklace!" She cheers while showing me.

I roll my eyes but smile to cover it. The chain is a bright pink while the Jewel hanging from it is a 'shooting star.' I frown, thinking about Bill but force my smile back. "That looks really nice Mable, how cool of her."

"Yeah, but thanks for cheering me up! Awkward sibling hug?" She said with a mouth full of pancakes.

I sigh, holding out my arms. "Awkward sibling hug."

We hug each other, not leaving out the 'pat pat'. Moments like this when she isn't being so selfish and stupid make me miss the old Dipper. Or maybe hate? I can't tell anymore at this point.

Once we finish our breakfast, Mable rushes to get ready to meet up with her friends and leave me with our grunkles. I decide to pay a visit to Ford , who is most likely in his lab. I walk to the vending machine, punching in the key code. It moves to the side, allowing me to walk down to his lab.

I raise an eyebrow at the new creatures kept in either cages or jars. I hear a clock of a gun as a red glowing dot appears on my forehead. I don't flitch, keeping my hands in my pockets, and chuckle. "Wow, grunkle Ford, what happened to you after we left?" I joke.

I see his eyes widen in the dark as he quickly lowers his gun. "My goodness, Dipper! You can't just walk in without knocking. Apologies, my boy."

I nod my head, turning on the light. My eyes widen in fear and shock. On the wall are arrows and red string with pictures stamped into the wall by thumbtacks. The pictures and arrows, along with red strings, are leading to the big picture in the middle, Bill.

I try my best to gain back my composure, but I'm failing. Why does he have all of this? Does he know I'm trying to bring Bill back? This will ruin everything!

Ford looks at me with a raised eyebrow than to his wall. He chuckles and walks over to me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I flitch, looking up at him. "S-so uh.....what's all of that?"

"Ah, I've been keeping track of strange sightings from the aftermath of weirdmageddon. There isn't much, but you can never be so sure!"

I sigh from relief. I walk over to the wall and laugh quietly. These pictures aren't anything big. The only thing big about one of them are the noms throwing up rainbows. I take a glance from his desk, noticing a 4th journal?

I walk over to pick it up, but it's taken out of my hands instantly. "No, Dipper, this is off limits!" Ford scolds.

"Why? I'm just as curious as you are. Why can't I at least read it?"

"Because anything could happen if anyone were to find out that I've written a 4th journal. It's best to leave it in here. Out of sight out of mind."

"But grunkle Ford -"

"Curiosity killed the cat Dipper. Now hand me that -"

Ford is cut off by Stan rushing into the lab. "Stanford, Soos got his head stuck in the hole of that tree....again."

"Ah! Stay back, you demon squirrels. Oh dude, sweet nectar!" Soos shouts from outside.

Ford sighs and looks at me. "Close up my lab once you're done looking around and remember what I said Dipper, curiosity killed the cat." He said before leaving.

I simply nod my head. A smirk grows on my face as I turn my head, reaching for the journal. I hold it, tracing my fingers over the number '4'.

"Curiosity killed the cat, huh? Well, satisfaction brought it back, grunkle Ford.....hehe."

••••

It wasn't hard returning the journal after creating a copy of it. Thank goodness they didn't get rid of the printer that nearly killed me back when I was 12.

I'm laid up in my bed, my legs kicked up. I hold the copied book over my face as I read through it. Nothing was really interesting, but I was hoping I'd find another way to bring Bill back quicker.

I sit up quickly, a page catching my full attention. I chuckle after reading the title of the page, "When the end comes to pass, and the world is set to flames. Call on the dream demon, for he is what can get you saved."

The more I read, the more I feel my heart jumping with joy. "Five sacrifices must be made. The blood and the souls will come together around the Cipher circle, bringing power for the dream demon to come forth from the mindscape. The ritual must be performed at midnight. The sacrifices must be humans and caused by a human. However, materials are needed for trapping the souls. Five heads from the golf ball land, nom vomit, and....hehe Bill's stature."

I close the book and place it into my desk drawer with the lock and key. After locking it up, I lay back in my bed, staring at the wooden ceiling.

"So there is a quicker way to bring Bill back, huh? It's a more fun way, too..." I chuckle, closing my eyes. Soon, my dream demon, very, very soon.

As soon as I fall asleep, I open my eyes, confused by my surroundings. "Where the hell am I-"

"The mindscape pinetree!" I hear someone pip in from behind me.

I turn around, a bright smile growing on my face. "Bill!"

He spins around me, trapped inside his triangle form. He lands on top of my head, playing with my little Dipper birthmark.

"Well well well didn't think you'll find another way to bring me back so quickly. I can't believe how stupid Sixxter really is! He just left the journal! No, he thought it was a good idea to create another one! Hahahahaha!"

I hum at the sound of his laugh, my body at ease. "I know, right? He really thought I would listen to him. They all still treat me like I'm that damn brat again."

"You were a whiney brat pinetree."

I look up at him with a blank expression. "You weren't supposed to agree with me, Bill."

He laughs, floating around in the air. "But I did, and it was worth seeing that face of yours again!"

I roll my eyes and look away from him, crossing my arms over my chest. "Whatever. I'm not a kid anymore."

"I know, pinetree. I know. I just miss ya is all! My powers are so weak even after all of these years."

"Yeah, I know you're straining yourself just to see me in my dream right now. But don't worry, I'll have you back before you know it."

His eye twist up into what I guess is a smile. "Looking forward to it, pinetree!"

"I'll even look through one of those journals and case a spell so you can see through my eyes during those kills."

"I still can't believe you killed your parents. Well done!" He claps.

I bow playfully as I laugh. "Thank you, thank you! There's more to come!" I cheer, enjoying the sound of Bill's laughter.

"As much as I hate to say this, but my time is up."

I pout as he floats closer to him, landing on my head again. "Do you really have to go so soon?"

"Not enough power, but no crying! You did that enough when I first came to see you."

"Ugh, don't remind me. See you never insane Dorito." I joke.

"You too psycho crybaby. I'll wait pinetree. I'll wait.."

[suratan-zir]

warning: lethal dose of oversharing

Autumn started with a depressive episode, as per usual. When you have bipolar disorder for long enough, you know when to expect the worst times, and for me it's during autumn-winter. Winter used to be my favorite season, but now I'm basically a plant, relying heavily on the amount of sunshine hours to function. This time it's the worst (subjectively speaking) kind of depression. I can live with severely damaged executive function, sleep and stare into the ceiling for weeks, no problem (obviously, only because I have my husband to take care of me, otherwise I wouldn't survive on my own).

What truly gets me is when the painful nostalgia kicks in, the longing for something, someone from the past I can't have. In my "normal" mental state I accepted that these people are forever in the past, they are no good for me, I am no good for them, and that's okay. I accepted that I would never have close friends again, I am too tiresome a person to be around for too long (I know many people say that about themselves, but in my case it's unfortunately true). And as time goes by it's getting harder and harder for me to open up to someone. Even to myself, actually. For most of my life, from the moment I more or less learned to write, I kept a diary (or journal, or whatever you crazy kids call it these days). But a few years ago I stopped. I catch myself on being dishonest. With myself, yes. I realized that I could no longer openly write what was really on my mind. At least not like I used to. So that's that.

So anyway, in my "normal" state I'm content with having only one person to talk to. It can get lonely, but I'm okay. However, in the "not-so-normal state" it's a whole different story. In mania, I sometimes absolutely need to have friends, I start talking more to the people online, but after the standart "asking each other lots of questions" phase it soon gets awkward and leads nowhere once I'm no longer in mania.

It's worse in melancholic depression.

This is when nostalgia kicks in. Or "saudade" should I call it? A terrible feeling of longing for people with whom I once was close. They've moved on, I've moved on. They live their happy or miserable lives, I live mine. Except that I'm lying and I don't really know how to move on, I just never do. I also lost people to the war, even though they're alive. So when this kind of depression begins, I start listening to songs from the past, I drown in painful memories, losing my mind in the flashbacks forced upon me by my brain when I'm trying to simply take a shower or have a lunch. I have dreams filled with places from the past. If it goes too far, I start googling names like a creep, looking at social media pages. I don't do it often, maybe once every few years, but it feels humiliating and icky every time.

Today I was brave and foolish. I went through my old email for the first time since moving from Donetsk. I didn't find what I was looking for. I felt disappointed rather than relieved.

[eponastory]

Heya! Me again! XD I might need some writing advice.

First of all, I'm trying to get back to writing something, but I want to write an ATLA AU retelling where the characters are older and it's Zutara/Sukka/and Taang-based! :) Problem is, I have like 23 unfinished stories on AO3(four more on FF.Net), and I don't want to like, make another story to add it onto the pile, but...well, in your expertise (I mean, I hear that you write really well), should I just focus on the ones I've written now?

Secondly, how do I get back in the groove of writing? I feel like when I get myself going back to it, it just makes my head feel heavy or something, or I'm just tired. ^^; I don't know, maybe I'm writing too much. I just got other stories to update that I haven't for a while and I want to like...not let everybody wait for the next update on those stories, and...well, I just need some advice on procrastination, I guess. ^^;

I hope I'm making sense. I want to write, but I can't seem to get it going. Maybe I'm distracted too much. What do you do when this happens? What should I do? :O

(Also, no worries about the crossovers! I have two one-shot fics of ATLA, but they're both Taang-centric. ^^; They also have Zutara and Sukka in them, but they're only minor. XD I also did some Taang Week stories that I did in 2020. :) Either way, if you don't do crossovers, there are those to read! :D )

I will definitely check them out!

When I can. Because I've got like... four papers to edit for these people in college that are too lazy to edit their own. That's okay, I get paid for it.

And then there is my current fic I'm obsessed (it's unhealthy, I know) with and then I have to start planning for ZKBB...

Please have mercy on me.

I'm also pretty hungry for Chicken Shawarma for some reason and I really need some ice cream. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

@omegansamurai *edited because I am a dingus*

I totally missed the middle part of this ask. I apologize for that... I feel like such an idiot for missing that.

So, a neat little trick I like to do is a word avalanche. It helps get the thoughts going and keeps you on track. You just start with one word, and then you find the words, emotions, or senses that go with that word. It helps with creating scenes and prompts, you name it. I've been doing it for years, and sometimes, it ends up being a whole outline for an epic adventure.

If you have the opposite problem of too many projects at once, cut back on the stories that you feel aren't cutting it. Don't try to force something if you get stuck. Let it sit. Think about it while working on another project. Then go back. I like to keep a journal of all my thoughts that randomly pop up when I'm having a difficult time with a story. I write down those thoughts so I can go back to them later. Most of the time, especially with some of my original works, I get really stuck, and they sit for months. With fan fiction, it can be years before I go back to them. But when I do decide to pick them back up again, I have a journal with everything written down on where I wanted to go with it.

Prompts are also a good thing to practice getting better at introspective and character analysis if you are having issues with that. Putting characters in sticky situations tends to develop them more.

Also, it's totally okay to let go of stories you don't feel connected to anymore. You can always go back to them later on if you ever get the drive for it.

But rule number one is always do what you can make the time for. Overwhelming yourself will cause burnout. One idea at a time. Develop it, write it down. Make it work. But don't try to do too much at one time.

Again, I'm sorry for totally missing the point of your ask... I think I had just finished up that chapter and was posting on both my phone and computer.

[stood-onthecliffside]

i think that what you said in this tags of the hoax post is so true! I also loved that you mentioned how she probably didn't know through and through what the song is about (re:the long pond studio sessions) because in my head that's what it is!

i personally write from memory + imagination. this is not me comparing myself to her obviously lol but sometimes through writing some things are just like oh wow this explains something my rational and conscious mind just didn't really think about before. that's weird. and sometimes there's just no explanation for things that come out.

I think that that's what happened with hoax. also cause songwriting is a totally different process than writing in your journal (even though taylor has been a storyteller in her song writing) sometimes you have to pick up words and phrases to add just to rhyme (and even then, it could be something like a revelation) but we can't take everything that's a lyric at face value and can have interpretations of our own and meanings of our own to attach to those lyrics. I do think that it was about joe (no other sadness in the world would do deeply speaks volumes for her relationship w joe) [re:renegade] but again that's just us speculating. but I do think that is something that's true.

I don't know what I'm saying

[context : vee and i are talking about this post.] i am sorry it took me so long to reply i was trying to absorb hoax in general from this perspective (another reason why! we need to acknowledge that with hoax you will never get straight answers? especially if you're used to percieve taylor songs with her own experiences). i fear often people dont take into the artistic point of view (which you explain so beautifully) and that is one of the shortcomings of not understanding a song like hoax when if you're so fixated and acting as if an artist song is a gossip blog. and with taylor who is such an autobiographic writer this is what has been happening. so in hindsight hoax is such a wake-up call for this. + i have been fathomining how hoax is such a good foundation for ttpd- in hoax she is unintentionally a unreliable narrator and swirling different muses into this song! <3 and with ttpd songs especially fresh out the slammer this is a reflection !?? you cannot trust her as a narrator and she is taking inspiration from all these muses. and yeah so at one point, because some of the lyrics from ttpd dont make sense so it forces you to make your interpretation- which is essentially NOT about taylor as a person. hope this makes sense? i went on a tangent in the end lmao.

[loquaciousquark]

Still slowly working my way through Act 3, but I'm running out of things to do! Minsc OF ALL PEOPLE has just joined the party--boy did I not expect to get another burly brawny fella in the lineup! Boo delights me and Minsc's voice acting is pleasantly and hilariously daft. Why can't I have more slots in my party to walk around with!!! Not to mention I don't have enough spare armor and jewelry stocked to top him off!! (It did annoy me to have to kill Roah Moonglow--I wanted to buy her potions of speed first, THEN kill her. I couldn't even access her inventory on her corpse, meh. But I guess that's what happens when I rob her blind three acts in a row, lmao.)

(When I told Minsc everyone had good in them somewhere, he said that in the case of Ninefingers, it must have all been in her lost finger, so it would be up to him and Boo to be her virtuous pinky. I can't stop laughing.)

It does absolutely amuse me that the camp has collected an owlbear, a dog, a cat now (Grub), and a hamster. What a menagerie!

Looking at the journal, I still need to free Orpheus, deal with the House of Hope, confront Gortash (I accidentally took Karlach to him and had to reload after that conversation ended only in violence), and there are still a handful of outstanding sidequests I need to tackle too, including freeing Wyll's dad. I don't see a way to resolve the Elder Brain conflict peacefully, but right now I'm landing pretty solidly on the "free Orpheus and deal with the fallout" side.

I will say my progress has stalled just a skosh because I got spoiled for Karlach's possible outcomes & I think I got a pretty strong hint of Astarion's, and I'm having to come to terms with those disappointments. Not entirely unexpected, but it's direction I'm not sure has a lot of narrative justification, especially for Karlach. I'll have to see what it looks like for myself. Regardless, she's popular enough I'm absolutely sure the modders will be out in force soon.

Speaking of, I finally dipped my toe in the mod-creation world long enough to create my own dye for my armor, because I just couldn't find what I wanted in the game.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've been slacking in the literature dep here, despite saying I'll talk more about that. But today I thought I might show a really really small part of my book collection. More than 80% of them are somewhere else and one day when I move into a larger place, I'll have my own study/library room that I can fill with everything I own.

Most of the books here are in English. I find that in some cases, reading a translation doesn't do it justice. Like in Joan Didion's case. That is not to say that translation is not an art in and of itself.

I'm not the biggest Virginia Woolf fan. I initially had to force myself to read Mrs. Dalloway, but then I got accustomed to her style. I'm still not a fan and I still haven't touched the book you see in the photo, but perhaps someday.

I picked that famous Jane Goodall book after I watched a documentary about her work in the 60s. I only knew her by name, but no details. The book also filled that big gap and it was just amazing to read how she developed an entire field of study.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation was a purchase influenced by some recommendation made on this website The Attic on Eighth. It's made by these young women who write about literature, art, politics, fashion and food and from what I could tell, they all met through tumblr!

Anyway, the book was an experience, to say the least. Anyone looking for appealing main characters to root for should stay away from it. But if you've ever gone through depression and have no issue reading about the habits and actions of a spoiled rich girl (and a real bitch too), then go for it. I don't regret it.

Hm, what else? Let me go through quickly for a few others. Enchanted April is perfect for easy session of reading when you want to relax on a lounge chair. And if you can do it in a garden, even better. And then if you want something a bit more scandalous, some satire of 1930s British upper class, Evelyn Waugh is the way to go. Perhaps pair it with Maurice as well.

I couldn't finish that Margaret Atwood novel and the Foucault is just for research. The Secret History was another purchase influenced by scrolling through tumblr. A lot of hype around it, but it's a good book too. So it deserves its reputation in a way.

I read Proceed With Caution (fanfic readers might now it) and Giovanni's Room was mentioned. A few weeks later I saw it in a bookstore so I grabbed it. I was bawling my eyes out towards the end and I remember finishing it during working hours because I couldn't put it down. I'm glad I work from home.

As to Joan Didion, my plan is to have a collection of her entire works. I know comparing and wishing to write similarly like someone else is redundant, but my god I wish I could have a particular style like her. Didion has a special way of looking and examining the world around her in ways that are not so obvious. It's difficult for me to describe her writing style. It's journalism through a personal filter, but like in this sort of perfect balance. Reading one essay of her and you'd know exactly what I'm talking about.

So that would be it for now. There are some other titles scattered there, but some I have yet to read.

[gecko-s-greenhouse]

a thread about my shithole job

when i asked my therapist about workplace trauma and how to move forward from it, she suggested setting some time aside to feel my feelings and journal about it. so that's what i'm going to do, because i'm determined to move on from all the ways that i was mistreated at that shithole job now that it's been 5 months (lol).

for context, my first job out of my PhD was at a tiny startup of fewer than 10 employees. i felt lucky to land the job because the biotech job market was in a bad place at the end of 2022 (it's worse now at the end of 2023), and luckier still because the company sang a (lying) tune about company culture that i bought into. the job ranged from okay to a total dumpster fire and i'll get into the details below, and then after 5 months, i was unceremoniously laid off. (alternately, my entire team of 2 was unceremoniously restructured.)

and because i signed a non-disparagement agreement to get my severance, i can't tell you the company's name. i assume not all of these issues occur at other companies,

topics that i want to cover:

my own timeline of events.

company retreat.

what i wish i had said to my shitty ex-manager when she fired me.

cult of personality.

how to create a healthy work environment. (the short version: consume any/all media that anne helen petersen puts out)

dating among the c-suite.

"i'm not here to make friends."

qualities of a good manager.

respecting time off.

i regret not taking more time off.

what does giving employees an honest chance look like?

valuing humans over success; failure is always on the table.

and others that i'm sure will spring to mind.

today's topics:

company retreat.

for context, about 2 months into my time at this company, we went for a 3 day/2 night ski retreat.

the invite went out after i had accepted the position, but before i had started, so i felt like this was "mandatory fun" and forced team bonding time that i had to attend (even though the text of the email said no pressure!), so i accepted, but made clear from the beginning that i am not a skiier and would not be joining the downhill skiing activities.

come the week of the event, work was a flaming shitshow. we were in our first sprint week at this startup, and two new hires were visiting from oot so we had to entertain them and make it seem like work was chill even though we were working overtime.

actually being on retreat was fine, i guess? we did cabin activities, they went skiing and i did other snow stuff. it was awkward but manageable. the CEO covered activity fees for only the downhill skiiers, so i, notably not in this group, had to pay my own way for tubing, skating, and snowshoeing all by my lonesome.

i now regret not asking for my activity fees to be covered also.

we get home, and the CEO sends out a group photo. that was taken at the top of the ski mountain.

let that sink in for a moment.

ask yourself, who was not included in the picture?

and to make matters worse, i was never, at any point during this retreat, invited to be in a group photo.

that was the first time i cried over this shithole job, and the first time that i told myself that i wasn't going to care anymore. (first time? because i wasn't good at holding myself to it.) startups want their employees to be part of a shitty family, and i was no longer having it.

to make matters worse, when i was being hired, the CEO had fed me a lying story about how "we're not like other startups" and want to focus on employee well-being over the other cultish aspects of stereotypical startup culture.

what i wish i had said to my shitty ex-manager when she fired me.

i don't appreciate being patronized. the first thing she said to me was, "this may come as a surprise, but..." haha no, this was not a surprise in any way, shape, or form. i've known that you wanted to fire me from that joke of a performance review* (more on this later) a month ago, right up through this meat grinder of a so-called "second chance" you've given me. i guess i am only surprised that you fired me right in the middle of a field trial where i'm a member of the team of two that handles every sample that comes through.

just because you don't like what my data says doesn't mean it's bad data. 'nuff said.

if you're restructuring, why can't i be absorbed into another function of the company? why do you have to look me in the eye, lie to me and tell me that you think i'm a great scientist, but apparently not one who can learn how to contribute to other functions that i am fully capable of doing and you know it?

what's this bullshit about "effective immediately"? (don't @me about MA at will employment, i know the law but i'm talking here about decency, which i guess is a foreign concept to you.) shouldn't i be given a couple days to tie up loose ends, tell you how to find my shit, and say a non-rushed goodbye to those of my colleagues who i did come to like? and ESPECIALLY because i had requested several days of pto THAT YOU HAD APPROVED starting literally the next day? this feels like a move for YOU, so you don't have to look at me any more than you have to after you made this decision.

also, in the state of massachusetts, it would be polite to lay people off with enough lead time that they can acquire health insurance in a timely manner. assembling the necessary documents takes time, and the last day to sign up for the next month's coverage is the 23rd day of the prior month. lesson learned: negotiate a severance package that includes health coverage. again, i understand that decency is a foreign concept to you.

what gives you the right to play games with people's lives? this thought really took shape as my nutbag ex-manager continued to arbitrarily fire people, including one on an O1 visa. consider my situation: i had been at this company for 5 months and got laid off. any decent manager looking in would see this and immediately recognize that the problem is with the company (funding?) and the management rather than with me, a young scientist who hasn't even been given the standard amount of time to fuck up learn the ropes (1 year) before being shown the door. alternately, what gives you the right to brand me as someone who behaves poorly? (because that's the only other reason a stranger would think that i was laid off so quickly?) for example, my friend and former colleague, upon finding out that i lasted only 5 months at the company, immediately asked if the company was having money problems, but he's someone who knows me and knows that i'm not a jerk, but that's not immediately obvious to a stranger. what gives you the right?

you are running your company into the ground. i don't care if your science is impeccable (it's clearly not based on my data), but it's clear to me that your company is going to fail if you keep treating your employees like this. the consensus among former employees of the company, both the ones who were laid off and the ones who left of their own volition

i hope you fail. i will gleefully eat my popcorn WHEN it happens.

also, i want my stuff back. (i wouldn't have forgotten it if you'd given me more notice!)

to be continued.

also, am i supposed to talk about my feelings too? overwhelmingly angry that at an incompetent inexperienced and scared manager treated my life/career/future as a gigantic joke to her, but also disappointed in myself that i signed on in the first place, and sad to have lost a year that i could have otherwise spent building my career to this total nonsense. bad times all around.

[tantyaa]

Being better

-taken from my blog (https://maggiemaysmay.blogspot.com/2024/06/being-better.html)

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

Obviously, I haven't updated this blog in a while. You might ask "Why?" The simple answer is that I have been working on myself. During this time, I have learnt important things and I am still learning things. So here some tips and lessons I've learnt in the span of 3 months.

 #1: Having a journal

This is probably the most common tip and for a good reason. It allows you to properly articulate and rationalize your thoughts and feelings. At first, I was really resistant to having one and just unmotivated to do it. However, change isn't supposed to be easy or comfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't go on with my day unless I journal. So what do I do? The first thing I do is write an entry from my 30 day manifestation prompts. It basically just asks what I would do in 30 years or what I would do with a million  dollars. It really gets my gears turning and I always look forward to it. As of June 23rd, I am on day 14 out of 30; almost half way there! After I finish that, I write one word of the day and its definition. I don't think it particularly adds to my mental health but it's always cool to learn new words. The next thing I do is list 3 things I'm grateful for. The first two are always about my health and family and the third one is usually based off my day before. Then I make a "To Do" list. It's all nuance and menial things but it gives me a purpose to the day. Nowadays it's usually cook or go out and tan. Extremely menial. The final thing I do is make a list of around 20 affirmations. You might laugh at that but that is not negotiable for me. These affirmations have helped my confidence immensely. I always put that everything is ok and you know what? My life has been so stress free since. I go to bed with a smile and I wake up with one.

#2: Being outside

Vitamin D does wonders!! Not only am I tan and look like I AM GLOWING, I feel like so good! I've been trying to spend as much time outside as I can (when it's not too hot). I usually have lunch at the beach or I go on walks. I've also spent so much time with friends through this, something I am extremely grateful for. The fresh air and the sun always cheers me up. I've become a lot more rational in my thought and quite articulate because instead of moping around my room, I force myself to pack and beach bag and walk my butt to the beach. If the weather is nice, there is no way I am missing that! 

#3: Finding a hobby 

I have been loving cooking recently. It is so much fun and has so many benefits. I am not just eating my own work but I control everything going into my body. I've been cooking a lot of fish and pasta (with veggies and stuff). I gained back the weight I lost and I'm no longer underweight. But the weight gain is all healthy and my skin has been glowing. My skin is clearer and my hair has gotten so much stronger. Plus, my mom loves my cooking and it has been a way for us to bond!

#4: Not caring about what other people need to say

What other people have to say about you is just straight nonsense. It's a perception and that's about it. It is not who you are because guess what! Only you can determine that! I used to care but honestly it did more damage than good. Whenever someone would say something negative about me, I'd start feeling negatively about myself, and that's what I would put out. I've taken back that power and now I put out what I am feeling : Good. I am at peace and I find that everything around me has become peaceful. Someone told me I was a bad person but how would he/she know that? They didn't know me. They didn't try to know me. And they most certainly weren't me. So the answer to that is no, I am not a bad person. I am not a good person either. I am simply a person and what people think of me shouldn't diminish or give fuel to a preexisting bias against me. I have done a lot of good things. If you sat there and upheld I am an objectively bad person, does that mean I will always be ruled by that? Will my years of charity work and support be diminished to nothing because I have done bad things? The answer to all that is still no. You do bad things; everyone does. That is just how life is.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I know it is a short list but these four things have helped me immensely to overcome my fears and get myself out of an extremely long depressive episode. Much love <3