#like not even going to correct my grammer or???? what am i learning other than writing the same kind of bs sentences over and over

[skitskatdacat63]

Please god, can someone give me the strength to write ANOTHER 900 word essay in German, I DON'T WANNA I DONT WANNA PLEASE NO

[coolwali]

Horizon Forbidden West Base Dialogue

Erend: God Damn it, Kotallo. Is there any old world board game you can't immediately learn?

Kotallo: The Tenakth were raised from birth to learn all kinds of board games. As a warrior, it is important to keep both your mind as well as your body sharp. Only then can you be ready for every situation. The old world had plenty of these board games which my people would have given anything for. But... I will admit, I am finding it hard to see the strategic value of this one. Perhaps it is to help learn to deal with unpredictability? In any case. I play a +4 card and exclaim the Battle Cry "Uno".

Erend: oh Fuck you.

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Varl: Hey Zoe, check this out.

Zo: What is this, Varl?

Varl: It appears to be the opposite of a Stalker. It is some cute furry creature.

Zo: I can see that Varl. But why is it asking "Can I has Cheezburger"? That is not how the old ones' grammar worked.

Varl: Strange. But perhaps it is an entertainment product for children? That would explain the grammer.

Zo: But why feed the children "cheezburgers"? That material isn't healthy for them.

Erend: I don't know about that. I could use some of that. It looks delicious.

Zo: Obviously an Oseram would say that.

Kotallo: For once, the Oseram is correct.

Erend: I am?

Kotallo: Such protein would aid in growing stronger to take on machines. The old world had the right idea. Have frequent outposts scattered all over the land to provide "cheezburgers" to all warriors at affordable prices.

Aloy: Not gonna lie. I kinda wish these "McDonald's" were still around. They'd probably set up outposts at every campfire. Would be helpful.

Varl: How did they move so fast and make so many outposts?

Aloy: Clearly by using the "cheezburgers"

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Aloy: Hey Alva. Got a minute

Alva: Sure Aloy.

Aloy: What are you up to?

Alva: I'm going through all this data. It's a real treasure trove. I'm just about to open this file on "twerking".

GAIA: My child. I'm sorry to interrupt. I understand you are happy to explore this newfound knowledge. But I implore you. Do not access that file.

Aloy: Why not GAIA? Is it dangerous?

GAIA: In a way, yes.

Aloy: Then we better listen.

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Aloy: Hey Erend. How goes training?

Erend: Great, Aloy. I learned some new moves.

Aloy: Oh. Like combat moves? You've been trying those old world fighting styles Kotallo found?

Erend: No. Like these moves:

*Starts Fortnite Default Dancing perfectly with the music*

Aloy: Oh. Well. That's certainly something, Erend.

Erend: You like it? Took a long time to practise that. Those Old World guys really had some serious dance moves. And this was from a Holo Game. This super popular one called "Fort Night".

Aloy: Why does this "Fort Night" have dancing? Isn't it a shooting game?

Erend: I think it was to taunt enemies. I should consider doing it next time we take down machines.

Kotallo: If you spend even half your time on Strike as you do practising taunting your enemies, you'd be able to not immediately lose at Strike.

Erend:.....

Varl: So, why is this game called "Fort Night" when it takes place during the day?

Kotallo: It appears to be a tactical game. One where the soldier must survive against 100 others for an entire day and night. That is where the "Night" part comes from. It references how you must survive for more than just a day.

Aloy: That makes sense.

Kotallo: Though, this "Default". I do not approve of his "dancing" to taunt his enemies. You should fight with honor. Not to demean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Erend: Hey guys. Check out these holovids I found.

Varl: "The Marvel Infinity Saga"? I remember seeing references to those around. Apparently, those are very popular.

Kotallo: Who are these "Avengers"? They look like the Ten?

Zo: I think they are stories of heroes. To inspire people.

Kotallo: Let us watch to learn their tactics.

*After watching Infinity War*

Erend: Holy. The Purple titan succeeded in his goals. I was not expecting that. I thought they'd take him down like they did that Ultron Machine.

Kotallo: It was not unexpected. It is because the Avengers were divided.

Erend: But Thanos and his army were also divided? Like Thanos was on this Titan? His army was on Wakanda?

Kotallo: No. While Thanos and his army weren't physically together. They were working together for the same goal with the same approach. They were unified in their approach. The Avengers however, were not unified. For example, This Stark's goal was to fight Thanos on his own field because "he wouldn't expect it". But did not bring much help with him. Thor's goal was to go find the hammer that could kill Thanos but did not anticipate any ways it could fail. This "Captain", was too focused on "Not trading lives" that he failed to stop his enemy. Neither of these groups even talked to each other so they couldn't make their plan together.

Erend: I think I see. So you're saying if Tony, Cap and Thor met up earlier, they could work together to stop Thanos?

Kotallo: Yes. Perhaps they could have planned an attack where instead of trying to remove Vision's stone, they use the stone to lure Thanos to a spot where Thor could have killed him. Their plan could have been to stall Thanos until Thor could get his Hammer. Even if it cost some lives along the way, that would have been preferrable to losing half of all life.

Varl: You think Thanos was onto something? Like. His people starved to death so he proposed to kill some people to save others? Kinda like Elizabet Sobeck and Zero Dawn?

Zo: Don't be ridiculous. The two situations are completely different. Sobeck did what she did because the entire planet was actually being destroyed and there was no other solution. Thanos did what he did because he was insane. Even if people were starving, he could have used the magic Stones to increase resources and food. Instead, he choose the mad option.

Erend: uh guys. Bad news. The rest of the file is corrupted.

Varl: You're kidding!

Erend: Can't play the next film, Endgame.

Kotallo: A shame. An "endgame" comes from an Old World Board game called Chess. It refers to a point where few pieces are left and sacrifices are made to win. I assume the Captain changed his mind on "trading lives"? I would have loved to see their tactics one last time.

Aloy: Wow Kotallo. You've been doing a lot of reading.

Erend: Hang on. Let me search the files. See if there's a summary on what happens in Endgame.

Varl: I guess that's better than nothing.

Kotallo: Indeed. Let us see how the Avengers fight with a destroyed but united team.

Erend: I found a post on this site called "Reddit". It says that the Avengers beat Thanos by having Ant-Man crawl ....... oh what?

Aloy: What is it Erend?

Varl: Show us?

Erend: Uh. I think we should leave it at a mystery guys.

Kotallo: I wish to learn the Avengers' tactics.

Zo: Tell us what happens Erend. Or I will beat the information out of you.

Erend: uh. Ok....... so uh. I'm sending you all the file so you can see it. I don't believe it. The Avengers defeat Thanos....by having Ant-Man....crawl into..... his anus and grow.....killing him from the inside.

Aloy:......

Varl:......

Kotallo:......

Zo:......

GAIA:......

Beta:.....

Alva:.....

Kotallo: Well, I suppose it makes sense as a tactic. It is meant to be their most desperate move. Perhaps the whole film would have been planning such a tactic? Though, I do ask, is this Ant-Man not already dead?

Varl: No. I think he's stuck in the place where he shrunk down? Perhaps the film would have been the team figuring out their options, rescuing Ant-Man and then informing him of their final plan?

Aloy: Or perhaps a rat randomly frees Ant-Man.

Kotallo: You jest Aloy. But this Endgame was the largest holofilm of its time. Surely they would do more than that and make it a good film. We are missing the full context.

GAIA: Yes. Such as how this Ant-Man would be able to expand in Thanos' rectal cavity and not himself be crushed by Thanos' strong internal lining. It seems that a better tactic would have been to use Thor's new hammer and "aim for the head" as that is Thanos' only weakness.

Kotallo: Perhaps that was the plan. Ant-Man uses Thor's hammer to kill Thanos from the inside.

Zo: Is this Ant-Man "worthy" to hold this hammer?

Erend: he seems like a chill guy so he has to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[zhuhongs]

もういい！！ I'm legit going fucking crazyyyyy... i swore up and down that i love studying chinese so taking these classes would be a breeze for me. but im fucking tiredddd. i feel like there's no joy left in me when i study.

We go through this book so fast, I'm too busy cramming 5 dif grammer structures into my head more than i have time to fully process the 20 smth new words we just learned. And then our teacher is like "hmm, ive noticed yalls pronunciation is bad... this is definitely bc you dont listen to the audio CD and not bc we barely speak 1 on 1 in class." and im like 老師 i listen to the the CD, but listening to someone say it is never gonna help me if i don't repeat it constantly. i mean i can speak in my free time but its gonna be by myself and if i make a mistake I'm gonna drill that mistake in my head before im able to be corrected by you. and our hw is never like what we learn in class!!! and then she's super hard on our hanzi when she never shows us the stroke order. we just follow the book but seeing a real person do it is much better and like. i dont really think this is her fault either. we only have a limited time and the point if the class is to pass an arbitrary amt of lessons bc of a lot of logistics and other stuff and like. i know my teacher is aware of these things and she tries her best, the fault rlly doesnt lie with her. but god am i frustrated. yk like i see all my roommates in level 1 having the legit easiest lessons. like not even bc i already know the grammar, but like they tell me what they do in class and its simple but overall lacks good teaching structure and idk. i really feel like the whole language center doesnt really teach us effectively. its more like rote memorization. and im just like.. welp. i was trying to be hard working bc i dont rlly have any friends but im overall just stressed and annoyed but its okay... i just need to rant and be angry and i can carry on. but god, yea i miss my old university. I'm so out of my element here but its okay. regardless of the outcome, thus is valuable experience. but yk... sighs

[shadowsatday]

(PLEASE READ FIRST: this poem contains illusion to murder including some imagery but not super intense, only I think three, four ish lines, also it's completely imagined so I don't know if that helps?

Second, this poem is meant to be spoken so I encourage it to be read out loud, all cool if you don't want to but it should feel nice to say sort of. Anywho! Have a nice day!)

When I grew up I was a tom boy,

I would climb trees and scorn Barbie dolls but then sometimes also get really into Barbie dolls,

It was thinking mini skirts were so freaking cool and nail polish was the best but then,

Then not wanting to do that,

But my quirks don't end there.

When I grew up I was clever,

So smart that I would do homework in class, making up spelling definitions instead of finding them and finishing before the bell baffling my mother as years went by and I didn't bring any home,

What a forward thinking school,

Nah, I just didn't want to give up my free time for putting in effort for the life cycle of frogs.

When I grew up I was creative,

Like all kids I would weave tales of fairies and magical powers and dragons and we would run around the school yard laughing and waving pecials as wands and sticks as swords,

And the neighbour,

You know the neighbour,

I think that's a gun hanging in his shed and are they bodies?

When I grew up I was struggling,

You see cleverness and skipped homework and made up definitions of words did not make up for those lost valuable learning hours at home

but it was so boring,

The letters didn't make sense,

I could tell stories,

Write stories,

But the spelling never stuck,

The Grammer jumbled and it didn't make sense,

I didn't make sense.

I didn't like so many foods,

I would go to school with a bag of chillies for lunch because my.mother eventually let me choose,

I was a ball of energy contained to a table poking holes in the plastic covering of my books,

Sketching,

Scratching,

Screaming,

Wating for the clock to tick down.

The school said I should be examined,

That there was something different about me,

The examiner said I was just lazy,

Though probably a little nicer than that,

Mother's tend to paraphrase.

And this has been my life,

Pocket marked with peculiarities.

People said,

You don't talk enough,

People say,

You talk to much,

And before people said, they would say

Please, please be quiet

People said,

Just try harder,

What's that supposed to mean? I am already trying so much.

People said,

Take initiative,

So I ask questions I try and figure it out

People say,

Stop asking questions

So I dont

I fail

They say

You should have just asked.

My throat is a music box of sound effects,

I humm to the microwave and chirp at the dishwasher at work, I make a small noise in The back of my throat when I'm pleased and elevator music trickles from my mouth when I am waiting, when I am happy I fill silences with soft noise and I don't even realise it.

This is an incomplete list of my strangeness, but here's the thing.

My whole life people joked that I'm not normal but when I say it they say everyone's peculiar in their own ways,

Why,

I want to plead or beg,

Then do I have to struggle more than anyone else with the small things?

The normal things?

The common sense, everyday, basic, you should know this by now things?

Where are other peoples happy chirps,

Where are other peoples strange relationship with their gender,

Where are other peoples lack of homework,

Where are other peoples convincing a whole year level and themself that there's a murder living next to their school

(there wasn't, teacher intervention was necessary)

Where were the other people like me?

But at the same time,

If I were so different,

If I were so strange,

Surly something would have been done,

Someone would have said something... Right?

Because I can't just be lazy or not trying hard enough ... Right?

And it's so scary,

But I don't want my fears to be correct,

That I am normal and simply not working hard enough,

Because surly all my trying all the time has to mean something,

And if I am really genuinely normal,

Then there's no explanation ... ?

When I am happy,

And safe,

I forget to use my inside voice and I stop seeing the social norms and my words are faster than my brain and all the cleverness and me Springs out,

Without abandon.

But people don't really like that,

And I don't know what to do,

Because I'm normal right?

I'm just like them ...

Right?

~Normal by SADSAN

5/12/23

[graciegoeskrazy]

Soulmate

Pairings: Sebastian Stan x teen!daughter!reader

Word count: 1140

Warnings: HORRENDOUS GRAMMER, fluff

A/N: Hai. So um. I got a lot of writing done Sunday and was prepared to finish it all Monday and post it...but then a starting throwing up on Monday because of a stomach bug lolz. But, I just got back to school today and I'm fine now, but I was up till 2am last night which is so unlike me. I just had this surge of inspiration and was like “f it lets write.” I usually do “angsty-er” things but this is just cuteness and love so...sorry if this sucks. I hope you enjoy! This is also bussed off a quiz on Buzzfeed. I’ll link it at the end🥰 Do NOT repost my work on other platforms. 

You and your dad were handed laptops once you took your spots on the chairs. The ‘director’ was super nice. She had short, straight, brown hair, with big cat eye eyeliner on both eyes, and a jacket wrapped around her waist. “So if we could get started by doing an intro? You know, just something like, ’Hey, I’m Sebastian Stan. I’m y/n we’re doing this quiz blah blah blah’ you know, the usual? I know this isn't your guy’s first time in front of a camera.” You and your dad nodded understanding what she meant. “Just play off each other, have fun, and remember to say the question and the answer options before picking.”

“I’ve seen like every single one of these, I'm super excited!” She laughed. “Okay great! Whenever you guys are ready.” 

Sebastian gave you a reassuring look before starting you both off. You smiled and nodded before he turned back to the camera.

“Hey, I’m Sebastian Stan.”

“I’m y/n Stan.”

“And today, we are taking a quiz with BuzzFeed.”

“And I'm gonna win.”

Your dad gave you a fake confused look. “I don’t think that’s how it works, babe.”

You shrugged and looked into the camera before saying, “I’ll still win.” which made everyone laugh.

“Wait! What quiz are we taking?”

“Uhhh…ha. ‘Answer these would you rather question and we will reveal if your soulmate is Sebastian or y/n Stan.’ I’m not sure- what if I get myself? What does that mean?” He asked, looking at you. You simply shrugged. “We’re gonna find out. Let's start.”

“Alright. ‘Would you rather spend the rest of your life with a sailboat or an RV as your home?’ Is there a nether button?”

“I would 100% choose RV. I am terrified of the ocean.”

“I knew you were gonna pick that.” He laughed.

“Like the boat looks fun for a night out or a vacation but not to spend the rest of your life on! Also, the commute to work would be awful and quite impossible with a boat.”

Your dad was starting to make fun at how serious you were taking this.

“What about you? What do you think?”

“I think you are 100% correct. RV it is.”

After a short moment of silence, you asked him a definite ‘no’ question. “Does that mean we can get an RV?”

“No.”

“Awe.”

“Next question.”

You giggled.

”Would you rather be the first person to explore a new planet or be the inventor of a drug that cures a deadly disease?”

“Deadly disease.”

“Why?” He asked.

“Because if you think about it, a new planet would be super duper far away from here, like farther than Pluto or something like that. We couldn’t even go.”

He seemed pretty impressed. “Hm. I like it…I’m still choosing ‘new planet’ though.”

“Ugh. I knew you would.”

“I love space stuff y/n!”

“I know! How do you think I know that stuff? Next one.”

“Would you rather go back to age five with everything you know now or know everything your future self will learn now?”

“I really want to skip this one.”

“Meh. I think I’d go to the future.”

“What?! Okay, but like, wait.” You crossed your legs and faced your dad. He laughed at how hard you were thinking this through. He put his fist to his chin and smiled at you. “This isn’t real, sweets. It’s just a quiz. A fun quiz.”

“I know, but I like to be right.”

“Oh my gosh. You are my daughter.”

“Next!”

“Would you rather be an average person in the present or a king of a large country 2500 years ago?”

“Okay, so. 2500-2022=…”

“Sweets. Pick an answer.”

“I am!”

“Math shouldn’t have to be involved.”

“Okay yeah, no. An average person today.” You gave the camera a thumbs up and clicked the keyboard while your dad rolled his eyes.

“Would you rather move to a new city or town every week or never be able to leave the city or town you were born in?”

“Move every week.” You stated.

“Same.”

“Seems like a lot but whatevs.”

“You see how easy it was to make a decision on something that isn’t going to happen?” He gave you a smirk while you rolled your eyes.

“Okay, almost done. ‘Would you rather be forced to dance every time you heard music or be forced to sing along to any song you heard?’ It’s gonna be singing for me.”

“I would dance. I’m not that great of a singer.”

“Lie!”

“Whatever. It seems more convenient…”

“It actually doesn't.”

“But I would constantly get pissed because I would be doing the same choreography to Disney channel songs constantly because that's all I listen to.”

“Oh my gosh. You're nuts.”

“I get it from you.”

“Would you rather your only mode of transportation be a donkey or a giraffe?”

“Giraffe! OMG. Screw the donkey!”

“I guess so.”

“I would have a giraffe and name him rizzo.”

“Like…from grease?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh my gosh. Last one. ‘Would you rather have to read aloud every word you read or sing everything you say out loud?’ Read aloud. I already do that.”

“Same. That’s fine with me.”

“Again, see how easy that was?”

You rolled your eyes yet again.

You gasped. “I got me!”

He fake-gasped. “I got me to!”

“Ha ha! It says, ‘You are always the life of the party, and never afraid to let your true self fly free. You have so many amazing talents, and never take anything you have for granted.’ Awe. I’d say that’s pretty accurate! What does yours say?”

“It says, ‘You're more of the quiet type and need to find the right person to be totally comfortable with, which is why Sebastian is the perfect guy for you! You two are both adorkable and appreciate the little things in life.’ Yeah that's accurate but it makes me look like a wuss or something.”

“No! I like it. It's fine.”

Soon, the small crew clapped and the director approached you both. “Perfect. That was awesome guys! Give us an outro and we can wrap it up.”

Your father just looked at the camera before thinking. In all honesty, he was kind of over it. It had been a long day of press and meeting people so he was…losing it?

“I'm Sebastian and this is y/n and go watch our shows and stuff.” He followed his bleak comment with a thumbs up which made everyone laugh. You sighed at him before dividing to help him out. “Thank you for watching. Go subscribe to Buzzfeed and watch ‘Pam & Tommy’ and ‘Fresh’ out now on Hulu, and my new show on Netflix coming in two weeks. You looked at your dad. “Better?” He continued looking at the camera. “Do what she said.”

Buzzfeed quiz here!

✨Masterlist✨

Thanks for reading!

[a-cat-in-a-funky-hat]

Ok listen up y’all, strap yourselves in and sit back because I will now teach you a few lessons in creative writing

1. This might seem obvious but I’ll say it again because some people just need to hear it: KEEP WRITING. KEEP PRACTICING. It literally doesn’t matter how fucking bad it is or whether it’s your original work or a Gandalf x Obama fic, just W R I T E

2. Here’s sort of an ‘order’ in which I write my stories:

First draft. Forget every single rule of writing ever. Grammar? Out of the window. Sentence structure? Fucking unimportant. Physical descriptions? This is not the place. Setting the scene? L a t e r. Write the basic plot down that’s literally it (Just fyi, I do actually pay attention to that in my first draft, because I’m a fucking perfectionist and I try to take some work off the editing process this way but you literally just have to write the very basic plot out).

Time for physical descriptions of character and setting scenes. You can already pay attention to grammar and sentence structure, but you totally don’t have to, that’s what the next steps are for

REWRITE. Just pull up an entirely new document and rewrite your entire story; make it 120% better. I know this seems like a lot of work but it’s honestly so much better than just changing parts of your first draft. This is honestly the best writing advice I ever got, I’m not even kidding. In this step you should start paying attention to grammar, sentence structure etc. It’s important to think about how you want to make your sentences sound. Decide when it’s best to use long sentences, short sentences or a mix of both. Word flow is also important. You have to really think about the effect your sentences have. I also like to play with formatting but that’s another story altogether right now.

Edit the shit out of it. You are going to have to re-read your writing several times and that can take a long time, so plan ahead that editing will most likely take up most time. If there are scenes you’re not 100% satisfied with then change them up until you are. If there are any inconsistencies then get them out of the way. Once again, pay attention to sentence structure & word flow.

Final edit. Make little adjustments until your properly satisfied.

Boom there you go, bomb story.

3. Know that not all of your work is going to be great. Especially when it comes to older works. I myself am cringing myself to outer space and back when I read stuff just from even two years ago.

4. Learn some grammer rules. What I especially struggle with is dialogues and how to properly write them so they are gramatically correct. I try not to put too much thought in when I write my first draft. Another thing: don’t forget to hit enter when the scene changes, no one wants to read a huge block of text, interest is lost. That was something I used to do until like two years ago and my writing has greatly improved by simply doing that. Also hit enter whenever a new person is speaking, I also used to do that wrong.

5. Read. Reading other people’s writing can greatly increase the quality of your own if you pay attention to what they are doing. Now I’m not saying you have to immediately be on Stephen King or John Green level. But it will surely help.

6. Don’t worry too much about not being original. How many versions of the Hunger Games exist? Exactly, people are still gladly reading them.

That’s all I got for now, maybe I’ll add more if I come up with anything else :)

[miasma-of-fear]

[ anonymous ]

[ Yeah, definitely! They're pretty much the same across all my blogs tbh. ]

🧡 Mun is 20, NB, uses she/he/they, and goes by Kirby.

🤎 I don’t care much for extensive plotting, rather preferring a basic idea for the beginning and going from there.

💚 As far as my style of formatting goes, I write how I would a story- both for comfort and keeping the theme, sometimes with actions and sometimes without- and rarely use icons outside of memes. That being said, I have no problem if my partner uses them, or formats considerably different from me, so long as I can read their reply.

🧡 I’m not too terribly picky about partners, but I am a bit of a stickler for literacy. Not multiple page long replies, of course- brevity can be used just as well in some scenarios- but I lose interest in poorly written one liners quickly. Spelling and grammer aren’t too much of an issue for me- I make my own fair share of typos and I’m usually good at filling in the blanks or making mental corrections- but again, it can become frustrating if my partner doesn’t seem to be making an effort.

🤎 I’m relatively experienced in RPing (~5 years), but I haven't been doing "serious" roleplay on Tumblr for long (less than a year.) I’m learning as I go, and I welcome any feedback or tips, but I’m also prone to doing things my own way. This blog is for fun, after all.

💚 I’m not comfortable with NSFW RP - dirty jokes and asks about such topics that aren’t too graphic or invasive are fine, as are fade to blacks (though I ask that you ask me first before your muse makes any advances.) I’m fine with sexual headcanons and will post some (along with related memes) every now and again. All will be tagged suggestive or nsfvv depending.

🧡 Duplicates and AUs/different universes are welcomed! I think it’s to be expected, given this is my personal version of Scarecrow. Subsequently, other DC characters will be regarded as separate Earth’s (i.e. Earth-3 Riddler versus Earth-1, etc.) Additionally, while I do have Jon already with my version of Bookworm in my main verse, I am 100% willing to fudge the timeline for a different ship with our muses. Feel free to hit me up and we can discuss!

🤎 Please refrain from godmodding. I know it’s sometimes necessary to briefly take control of another’s character (in the sense of anticipating their movements, timeskips, or their being somehow unconscious), but try not to be too controlling.

🧡 Always feel free to contact me OOC. Communication is important. It may take me a while to respond, and I may forget- which goes for threads as well- but I always try to. Granted I can be a little awkward and shy, but I don’t mean to come across rude.

🤎 That being said, I don’t mind and even appreciate a reminder every now and again if I haven’t replied to a thread in a while, but please don’t pester me incessantly about it.

💚 As with any Batman rogue no matter how prone to levity, there will be dark themes- not constantly, but certainly on occasion. I’ll do my best to tag appropriately, but don’t be afraid to give me a gentle heads up in the event I overlook something. I can say upfront that needles, religious (mainly Christian) themes, demons, violence/murder, drugs, alcohol, smoking, death, past child abuse, psychological abuse, manipulation, physical/mental torture, and blood/gore will be common.

🧡 I hope this goes without saying, but Jon's thoughts and opinions are not indicative of my own. If he’s being a horrendous, cruel bastard, that doesn’t necessarily mean I hate your character, etc.

🤎 As of the present, I will not be taking any m!as unless I reblog a meme, and I might veto some of the given options for my own comfort.

💚 Though he may acknowledge time based events like birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries, Jon exists in a purposefully vague point in time because, frankly, I’m horrible at timelines. I’m always willing to do threads that take place in the past or future, or even seperate timelines, but outside of those Jon will always be 38 regardless of what time has passed.

🧡 I don’t mind if you want to torment or attack Jon- physically, mentally, etc.- but I ask that it not be an all the time thing. Angst is lovely, but it becomes draining when it’s the only thing I do.

[hushonline]

【Dettlaff/Regis】 the Clouds in Beauclair

Relationships : Dettlaff/regis ; Geralt/Yennefer; Ciri/Avalla’ch

Warning:

#Characters DEATH!!!【Dettlaff and Dutches sisters】

#ALL ABOUT REGIS’s Ring.IN THE Beginning of B&W story,Dettlaf tried to find it thorugh a Bruxae.When regis killed him,Regis was wearing this humanist ring.Both of them put the ring on their ring finger.

#I mainly use a translate app to work on this article[Cuz English is my second language].So it maybe full of mistakes,for my horrible grammer.

Summary: When Ciri's second child was born, she returned to the Corvo Bianco vineyard ,and met Regis by chance.

Wednesday afternoon, 2:00 p.m. , clear sky without rain. Ciri dismounted and took her horse's bridle,asked Baba to tie the horse next to Roach. The servants said that Yennefer had gone out after lunch, in order to collect some special herbs. She glanced at the white building .She saw two Bony Crows sunning themselves on the hot eaves. In front of the door , a gray man waved at her from a short distance, and the green leaves on the sacs swayed in the wind.

"Uncle Regis! "

She pounced cheerfully, gave him a bear hug and chose to ignore his comment that she was "much softer as a mother" . The exile in Nilfgaard had left the vampire with a dusty and weariness smell.Shouting that no one should look down on her fertile flesh, Ciri took him by the arm and dragged him into the room.

Geralt hugged her, too. Then she eagerly announced the name of the newborn child to the others.

"We decided to call him DEADRAT. The name is derived from the ancient elvish word for 'descendant of the Elder blood’ , the same as the fifth ancient king of Alen Elle world, “ she said. “Geralt, if you want to argue with Avalla’ch,just do it,I won't stop you. “

"Witchers can't breed, so I do not have any discourse power in naming aftrer newborns, " said Geralt, "Fortunately, you're an exception. Besides, I won't argue with Avalla’ch,.I'll give him an Aard attack , let him to get the hell out of my vineyard smoothly. "

Toussaint's wind is as warm as ever, It reminded her of her second son's blue elvish eyes.Ciri smiled and laid her hand on Geralt's shoulder.

"I am sure he will make you like Alvalla’ch half-a-Oren more than before. "

"Well, I'm quite sure he'll have a dark hair as a Hedgehog.Look at Emhyr, " he said. He glanced at Regis and shut his mouth at once.

Regis was stranger than whenever he was.The Higher Vampire's face had turned pale from the moment she instituted her child, up to now it finally falling into a trance state. A unseen shadow enveloped him, laid him in anxious , as if he had met a stubborn patient.

"UNCLE? " Asked Ciri doubtfully.

"For a faerie son,that ‘s the most appropriate gift, but not for ...... the vampires . "

Geralt pushed the glass up to him, considered it for a moment. "It's about the pronunciation, isn't it? " His golden pupils flashed, rarely . Regis smiled placidly, and Ciri tasted something bitter though it.

"You're a guest today,Regis, just get drunk and take it for granted, " she heard Geralt say, "It. ". Her keen intuition linked this word to Regis's reason of leaving Toussaint, the evil beast which Geralt described in a few words, with the strange talk which had been going on in the alleys, trying hard to piece them together for a fragmentary image. She is a willing learner ,whom kept eager on learning form Geralt ,including the Higher Vampire principle, four murders and the massacre. But the white-haired witcher seemed unwilling to mention a word about it, he poured the wine down his throat as if he would swallow his lungs. She urges him on, and he skipped straight to his honours ceremony: He would rather told her the death of dutchess sisters than any exploit he did. "Regis sacrificed a lot. " he retorted.He looked like a Griffin in a iron cage, claws flattened, eyes were as old as his whiskers. She pessimistic belief that Regis would die in the wasteland ,the misperception hadn’t been corrected until she met the wandering vampire in Nilfgaard last year.

"I'd love to, " Regis said, pointing to his backpack. "I suppose you won’t mind if I took some reborn potion? "

He took the leather water bag and mixed the liquid into his glass. The acrid smell of the alchemical filled the room at once. The Voice of Gerlott falls to the ground like a broken rake. “R--E--G--I--S--,You, a vampire, add black blood to your potion? SUPERIOR Black Blood? "

Regis remained a Poker Face. "Like human’s peppery wine, a slight tingling can help me stay awake ,and stay away from nightmares at the same time. Forgive me, I do not want to dream any more, my dear old friend. " He tapped his finger on the table, on the ring finger of his right hand, a ring of silver sparkles.

Gerlart responded with the same indifference, as he fingered himself -- Ciri knew he was counting the ingredients, using a pair of hands instead of one. At last, he raised his palm to Regis. "Give it to me. Yen and I will make you a new one,harmless,andfor vampire only. All Right, I think Yen's enough. "

The herbalist pinched the strap of his knapsack and rejected his offer like rejecting a brainless gargoyle. "Come on, you look much worse than last year."

Then he asked Regis why , Regis gave him little more than a runaround. They mentioned a male’s name, most of the time was referred as "he",with the duchess's dead sister .It seemed to be a royal scandal.Ciri listened attentively, arms folded, watching their quarrel as a spectator. At last, when their words faded away, she was able to say a complete sentence .

"Who is Dettlaff? " She asked. For a time, no one answered her, only the clouds flew endlessly in the sky . Her muscles were as stiff as marble, and brain cells whirled beneath them, trying hard to speak as usual instead of open a portal and slip away.

It was almost half a century before two centenarians -- one man, one vampire -- noticed her question. "My savior, " Regis replied.

The atmosphere in the room was not relieved at all, but several times heavier then before. So she raised her glass and began a toast ,trying hard to end the subject.

"To his fortunate,and health. " she said.

The mask smile reappeared on Regis's face. "It seems that you still haven't told Cilia, my friend, " he spoke softly.

Geralt struggled to reply. "I did. And only the part about the beast, because she was hurry to date a elf. "

Ciri looked away--he was telling the truth. Across the wooden table, Regis sipped his wine. "It's my duty to end it. " he whispered.

"Yes. And what's done is done. Let's have a drink, " Geraldt said. "I know you won't slaughter the city in a rage. "

They talked about the Corvo Bianco vineyard. When a bottle of Est Est ran out, Geralt opened the Mandrake wine, and Regis's words began to increase guadually. Ciri tried to find out the key to the mystery, but she filled, as if an invisible membrane separates her from the truth.a deep dark river rippling sliently, she saw the water covered with the trackless haze of Regis's side, his dark red tired eyes.A torrent of flood tore him asunder, leaving him dangling in air,helplessly,desperately.

Unwilling to see this vision of the future,Ciri turned the conversation to the wild hunt, talking loudly about the gates of the downworld, Mist Island, and, of course, Uma (her husband, actually) , ignored that Geralt was rolling his eyes.Before I gave him my love, he had burned all the pictures of Lara, she quickly gestured. When our first child was born, Avalla’ch did nothing but take care of us and paint our portraits.Less than half a month, the charcoal dust had stained our study.That was quite Nilfgaardian, after all they admired black, and perhaps I should have suggested him to paint a golden Sun up on it. She blinked her green eyes ,smiling like a sly silver Fox.

"Damn it,He IS definitely drawing Lara. " Geralt retorted.

Ciri raised her scarred eyebrow. "Lara would never be a witcher. "

Regis seemed better,he was nearly in a good mood, and the haze left him briefly.Alcohol made his face ruddy. "I... knew an amateur painter ,who... used to draw me when I was sick, " he said intermittently. "Well, at that time I couldn't even walk. He was my feet. "

Ciri took his words as a metaphor.

"You still have it, " said Geralt. He pointed to the moth brooch on Regis's chest. Regis adjusted the brooch gently to the right angle, beneath the sunlight, it seemed so alive .

"It was supposed to be mine. "

He said. As he got up to get the wine, he knocked over the cups, and the bright red liquid spilled all over the place like a spring.Ciri felt nothing but irritable. She had totally no idea what had been going wrong.Perhaps it was the Mandrake wine, or the clumsiness of her tongue----as clumsy as Geralt, turn the joyful scene into a mangled black fairy tale.She said to herself, realized the truths of the fairy tales were far more brutal than this awkward meeting.Ciri regretted that she did not have the same talent as Dandelion.

Geralt could not take it any more ,so did Ciri.The owner of the vineyard immediately decided to show Regis his underground laboratory. They walked down the hall, past the Marble steps, walk down to the wine cellar.All the daylights pulverized at their feet.

"I miss Beauclair's cloud more and more each day after I left.Because it always turns into a bat’s shape , " he said, spent a moment on inspecting the display on the shelf. As he took down a bottle of white wine ,he was bending his lips imperceptibly. "I mean, once up on a time Dettlaff got drunk, he thought the cloud was a young Katakan.He turned into smoke ,flew up, and tried to save it. "

Geralt smiled, too.

"Can't imagine his...childishness. After all, I know nothing of your vampire logic. "

Regis was intrigued. "Tell me al about it, " he made a lightly gestured to Geraldt, "I've always wanted to hear about differences between races. "

To her surprise, Gerlott froze immediantely, his lips parted like a fish in boiling water. "The body of Count De La Croix."

"Dett... Syanna murdered him. " Regis changed his tune. “SO,What is the news?”

Geralt's smile faded away , replaced by a puzzled look. "His body was laid in this cellar. In that day I killed a Bruxae.She tried to take the hand away, well, Dettlaff’s hand. Later he told me he is the one who asked her to come . "

"To tell you the truth, I don't know what Dettlaff would do with his drying hand... recycling? Or some Toussaint nobles would pay for it as a collection, a world wonder? " He said, pointing to the open iron door .

Regis's face suddenly became painful.

"For God sake, no. "

"What is it? " Ciri asked.

"He's torturing me, " Regis said. He started to drink again. Ciri looked at him through the light of the torch: As she breathed, her nostrils filled with the old stench from the depths of cellar.

She saw a thin figure on Regis’s body, black hair, wounds dried;his blood floated like a mass of red clouds , wrapped around his naked body.The clouds were more real than he was. It attached to Regis,the elder blood had pointed out his metaphorical vision of the past: this shallow man,his endless suffering.

The iron door at the top of the cellar creaked, Yennefer came in a hurry .

"The Bruxaes are coming for us, Geralt, and my barrier could only keep them out of the vineyard, " she said, crossing her waist. Regis tried to say something, but Geralt stopped him. "Yen and I will take care of everything. Let Ciri send you to Nilfgaard ."

He took the silver sword from the rack ，then he left.

Ciri slammed the door, took Regis by his hand, ran into the bottom of cellar directly. She found an empty corner. When she was managed to gather her natural power ,Regis looked at her with a sense of guilty.

"Oh, Celia, I'm sorry for my gaffe." he said, "As compensation, I'd like to tell you one more secret.You don't have to keep it for me. From this moment , it belongs to you. "

So Ciri stopped. Regis wiped his face , traced the shape of a wardrobe with his index finger. Then his voice became more and more audible.

"I fantasized about a kind of life, which my lover loves me as much as he loves Mandrake wine. When the sun-shadow flew away and the grapes withered, we will stay in a mountain cabin and lit a fire. The stove is filled with the ashes of the old paintings , and we dip the Squirrel's tail in the ashes to paint a new one. We will live happy ever after,that’s how fairy tales end."

His words filled with white-hot spotlight. Ciri opened the portal, a shade of deep-blue covers two of them.

"You... will meet her,in some day." she said, absent-mindedly thinking of her elf ,and the laboratory she had smashed all around for once.Now it had been renovated, a portrait of the female-witcher handing side by side with the bearded Elf, which seemed comical but sweet.

Regis bit his lip as if chewing on the pieces of nightmare. “One day I woke with a heavy rain,it was then he came. Even through The Raindrops , his eyes still overcomed me. He said, 'Rise up, and come away.For the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.’ But Beaclair is sunny all year round, with no rain or firestove,"he said, smiling like a cruel dream. “Soon I realized fantacy always last in vain,and I will woke up ,sooner or later ."

“I should have told it earlier.”

Ciri held him carefully, her head was in a jungle. Regis' ambiguous words puzzled her a lot, and she thought that the secret was too common to named it as a ‘secret’ ,It is far more like Yennefer’s perfume, which she could mix a dozen of it whenever she needed it, place the bitter-sweet rhyme on her raven-colored hair, or Geralt’s arms .

I'm leaving, and before I leave,I have to ask you a question, Regis said. Are you afraid of death? To leave before your lover.

Ciri scratched her hair, and her face showed innocent bewilderment.

"Well, I've been running away from it all the time. After all,elves own an immotal life. " She responded quickly. "But I'll forgive him . What about you? "

Regis shook his head.

"May he treasures you as his blood, Celia. " he crooned. His ring was dull, and there was no trace of tear on his face.

When she returned to the drawing room, Geralt was polishing his silver blade. Ciri open her hand to him. A small music box was rolling slowly on her palm.Yennefer signed in a low voice.

"Regis left it to you? " She asked. Ciri nodded for a approval. Geralt stepped forward, too, stared curiously at this tiny toy.

"I think I've heard this song before, but I can't remember where . " Said Geralt .

"Is he married? "Ciri asked suddenly,"I mean, uncle Regis. "

Geralt insisted that it was impossible for regis to deny if he trurly did. Ciri shrugged , held the toy up for an examination. The Melody of the music box was lying in the Corvo Bainco Vineyard’s floating dust without moldy smell.It’s old but clean, reflected a strange luster in the sunlight .

Where did you get this ring,She asked Regis in silcence, why did you put it on the ring finger. Have you lost your lover?You look so melancholy, as if a traveller mourned day and night,to ran after the mists which is fainter than a dream, a moth with broken wings, a phantom of death, a wandering cloud drifting all alone under Beauclair’s cloudless sky.

fin.

#Mentrake wine: The kind of alcohol drink which geralt and regis drunk upon the grave. I don't know if it is correct.

#the italics in the passage are from《the songs of solomon》

[sir-awen]

I know I have dyslexia because right now I had to google how to spell multi. I literally just looked up how to spell it two days ago. This is with pretty much any word that isn’t a sight word. I spelled it multy....which makes fucking sense, and I for the life of me, could NOT figure out what letter I was placing wrong. 

Lets do a test

Per-mi-nate = permanent

Vol-on-tere =  volunteer 

op-per-tun-ity = opportunity

spa-get-ti = spaghetti 

Those are just a few of the words that I CONSISTANTLY (did it again) misspell.Everyday I spell check or have to google the correct spelling. I write them how I sound them out/pronouce (and again)  meaning I don’t pronounce (figured that one out, missing the second n) them correctly or I know a letter is supposed to be in there somewhere just from constantly fixing the spelling.  Also my grammer (I’m going to leave it like it is, this isn’t intentional I just want ppl to see what it is like everyday for me.) is terrible. I remember 3rd grade learning it an thinking: you’re moving too fast there pall. Most of what I do know I taught myself as an adult. 

I transpose numbers ALLLLL the time. I work in a office and handle a lot of personal checks. None of this dawned on me till I screwed up the routing and/or account numbers several times in one week. After the first screw up I stopped triple checking and would take 10 minutes to process one check and STILL get it wrong(my boss was so nice about it and said that we would just use the sweep account instead so just the check number which needs to be triple checked and read aloud then checked again). It’s hard to picture a solid object in my mind, that’s why I can’t do math in my head I see and think about it’s concept more that the actual object. I spend a good amount of time in bed practicing addition of triple numbers because I’ve always felt stupid as shit, so I practice, grantid it puts me right to sleep so.. BUT history/phycology/science theory/lititure I’ve always done well in. I will talk concepts around you for hours. I can’t spell for shit or add triple (depending double digets) without a pen and paper. I can’t put faces to names (I’ve worked at my job for 2 years now and I am JUST now remembering clients who come monthly. Do you know how fucking embarrising it is to ask someone who you know you should know what the hell their name is. I get why they’re mifted I’ve had conversations with them monthly, and even then they are still only veaguely familiar. I constantly need to reread work because I litterally loose my spot. Yes, if I don’t have a screen to cut it off (I read from the top of the screen) I use a piece of paper. And that’s just to keep my spot much more comprehend. I have had to work hard to know what I do know and I’m lightyears behind my peers. It hurts and it sucks. 

Do you know how many times I will tell my husband my plans and he will look at me and says, the timing of that doesn’t work out, you wont have time to do X and X. I know the time each thing takes but I have to really focus to put it all together. So no, I can’t manage time properly. I NEVER wanted to be a manager at any of the service industry jobs I’ve had despite managment wanting it. I just knew I would screw up the paper work or safe. I DID NOT want that pressure. I will mix my upper and lower case letters all the time and yes my handwritting is terrible and yes I’ve always recongnized the benifit that you couldn’t see my mistakes if you wanted to. I type everything in word first then copy it before I post or send. 

My point is, I always just felt stupid and incapable. I mean I know I’m not but still, I don’t want other people to think I’m stupid. Think what ever you want about me but I am not stupid. Anyway, when I kept screwing up those numbers at my job I decided to look in to it and when I saw all the signs...I cried. I was brought to literal tears because yes: i know I have a poor reading level but that’s why. Oh my god! that’s why I am always a few minutes late to work and NEED my google home to set alarms. I have no concept of the passage of time. It could be 2 minutes or 30 for all I know. IDK I have never been diognosed with it but boy when I spent the two days looking it all up it was like FINALLY.  There is a fucking reason and it’s not that I’m a fucking moron. It’s like imagine having a pain in your thumb your whole life and you can’t grip things properly. You think that everyone else had this pain they are just better and learning to deal with it better than you. and one day when your 24 you find out, maybe that pain isn’t normal, it’s has nothing to do with your ability to grip things and you arn’t weak, it’s just the way your had was made. It’s not your fault, you just have to exercise that thumb more to catch up, and there is nothing wrong with you for needing to. I’ve come a long way in the last two years, sersiously, there are still a lot of words that I need to work on but there are a lot that I got down, either through learning the correct pronouncation (another thing I do. I like to add suffixes at the end of words that...honestly i’m not sure if that’s what I’m doing here or not PRONOUNCATION son of a- it’s the same god damn word. I am trying to figure out how to say/spell pronouncefacation oh my fucking god. PRONOUNCEATION!!  I can;t even say the word right I have no idea what I’m doing.   I just goggle it the word I am looking for it’s pronunciation. son of a fucking bitch. You see this shit. you know how fucking stupid I feel right now. I really have come a long way. Or maybe I’m wrong and am just stupid. 

[knightofbalance-13]

No Dudeblade, that’s just your reflection.

http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/176667343064/jaune-fails-so-much

Take a shot each time Dudeblade lies or misinterprets a scene.

And here’s why his failures are worse than the other characters’.

My guess the list consists of:

Racism.

Sexism.

And projection.

It’s because jaune’s intended character was to be an audience surrogate. Like I alluded to in a different post, jaune seems to be there to insult the audience.

As I said:

The insult only exists in your head. No one else sees this because you’re delusional.

I wish to expand on that.

Not hard to understand.

“I’m racist against white people”

“I’m sexist against men.”

“I want to kill Miles Luna.”

That’s all there is to it. I’ve long since learned you people are nowhere near as complex as I assume people to be.

“So, wait; you won’t capitalize Jaune’s name in the post, but you’ll do it for the title?”

Stan, it’s the first letter of the title. Be happy that this is fairly recent. I might hate jaune, but my appreciation for good grammar and punctuation exceeds my disdain for him… sorta. I don’t capitalize his name after other punctuation outside of the title.

Dudeblade, you don’t even use good grammer on your fucking fanfic. 

“Okay, so I looked through your stuff, and you have like… an entire tag dedicated to ripping on jaune. I think you have issues.”

The guy is an audience surrogate. Said audience surrogate cheated his way in the school because he wanted to be a hero. It wasn’t “So I could save people.” It wasn’t “So that I can travel the world and help people while doing that.” It wasn’t “So that I can try to help the oppressed.” It was “So that I could be a hero.” It makes me feel that the writers think the following:

A) That we, as the audience, aren’t good enough to make it into the school on our own ability.

And B) That we would want to join a prestigious school just to become a hero. Some of us would be more selfless than that.

He only wants the glory of being a hero. He doesn’t really want to actually do the heroic things that would make him a hero.

So jaune insults the audience through his actions and motivations. But since we’re ordinary people, surely the person representing us would have to face realistic consequences if we were to do the same actions as jaune, correct?

A. What Stanly would be saying here would be: “You preach Fiction is Reality, want to kill Jaune and cannot separate him from Miles Luna. You even refuse to capitalize his name like Jaune’ s AND we know what that means from you (http://dudeblade.tumblr.com/post/164274588366/dont-capitalize-donald-trumps-name). You’re fucked in the head. End of story.”

B. Jaune has outright said that his parents never had faith in him. Wouldn’t it be logical that they PREVENTED him from going to a Huntsmen school? ... I just broke your whole issue with Jaune didn’t I?

C. Jaune wanted to be a hero NOT for the glory of it but because he felt a desire to live up to his ancestors. No ambiguity, he DIRECTLY states this. And this is actually a very common motivation among people, a desire to live up to what their predecessors did out of a form of respect.

D. Jaune isn’t suppose to be a perfect reflection of the audience, he has his own character dumbass. It’s what he is generally, someone out of their depth but tries their damndest while still being clueless, is what is suppose to be the audience. And considering most of the audience has no combat training like Jaune: That’s pretty fucking accurate.

And E. This sounds more like you Dudeblade. You want the glory of a writer without actually IMPROVING as a writer. Me thinks you hate Jaune because he hits a bit close to home.

I have a feeling where this is going…”

NOPE! jaune gets covered by Pyrrha and never has to answer for his cheating ways!- Like how the audience would get a hyper-competent amazon to cover for them.

Or how about how jaune was apparently allowed to keep asking Weiss out despite her straightforward ‘no’ and how he wasn’t really portrayed as in the wrong for that.

Let me go ahead and replace Stanly here:

A. Stan: “So the audience should expect that no one will ever act like their friend and help them out so they should try to everything on their own...which is exactly what Jaune did and showed was a bad idea?”

B. Stan: “What about when Weiss goes and demands that Neptune be beaten up by team NDGO for flirting with them?”

Dudeblade: “... She’s a woman.”

Stan: “And that’s sexism.”

“Oh come one! That’s how all teenage guys act. Doesn’t mean- wait! Did you just say that he wasn’t portrayed as being in the wrong for that?”

Yes I did, Stanly. jaune was met with sympathy from other characters for Weiss’ rejection. Yang even said “Maybe next time.”

Yang also said that Weiss’ rejection of jaune was the reason why she was called ‘ice queen.’ Weiss has every right to reject jaune. And if a straightforward ‘no’ isn’t enough, then what is?

She slammed the door in his face for crying out loud!

Stan: “What about how Weiss went and assumed Jaune’s motives without actually talking to the guy? What if a guy just rejected a girl thinking she’s just a slut?”

Dudeblade: “...”

Stan: “You can’t answer that without being sexist can you?”

“Okay, but admittedly, the narrative does make that a funny scene at the expense of Jaune when Weiss slams the door in his face. That’s got to be worth something.”

Sure, but he deliberately lied when he was asked if he wasn’t going to ask her out again, and we’re just supposed to… let that slide?- The narrative didn’t seem all too eager to make jaune out to be the one in the wrong there. Instead, we’re supposed to sympathize with jaune, and feel bad that he got told ‘no.’

Stan: “That was a joke. By that same logic, Weiss is a Yandere who wants every guy she likes to be beaten up for showing interesting in other guys.”

Dudeblade: “A-”

Stan: “And even then, HE was the one who had to learn a lesson and humble himself! So even if he’s suppose to be sympathetic, he’s still in the wrong!”

Dudeblade: “...”

Stan: “You are really bad at this.”

“So the problem isn’t that he kept trying, it was the lack of the narrative saying that he was wrong for constantly trying?”

Yep. In fact, since jaune is supposed to be the audience surrogate, it could easily be interpreted by younger audiences that you can keep asking out a girl, and not face consequences. That’s harassment. Just because it wasn’t the intention, that doesn’t change the fact that that’s what it amounted to.

The fact that jaune doesn’t face consequences makes it hard to relate to him. In fact…

Stan: “... yeah, I already showed why that’s shit. Also: Cardin, Neptune, Cinder.”

“Oh no. Are you going back to that whole ‘he started the fight and got rewarded for charging in on his emotions while Yang got punished for doing the same when she wanted to save Blake but Jaune just wanted revenge’ rant again?”

……… Well thanks for stealing my thunder. So instead, I’m going to a different talking point.

The part where apparently he’s tired of ‘losing everything’ (Despite Ren, Nora, Ruby, Weiss, Blake, and Yang losing far more) but then later, he’s willing to let Tyrian attack Ruby without so much as a scream of defiance.

Stan: “Hey Dudeblade, remember that remark about Taiyang being an Armchair critic? Well, isn’t quite the armchair critic thing to do to say what someone who has suffered in a war should and shouldn’t be doing?”

Dudeblade: “No-!”

Stan: “So which is it? Is Jaune right or is Taiyang right?”

Dudeblade: “...” *falls to the ground, gargling on his own bile*

Stan: “Yeah, saw that coming.”

“Wait… What are you talking about?”

The part where he looked away. This is a guy who charged a Nevermore weaponless to save Pyrrha back in volume 3, right? But he just… stands there. As if he’s waiting for Tyrain to take Ruby away from them. Then later he blames Qrow for everything  bad that happened. Which, while he is right, he didn’t seem to have a problem when Ozpin showed up a volume later, despite it Pyrrha’s death being more Ozpin’s fault than Qrow’s. jaune was right to be mad, but considering that he was being ungrateful towards Qrow when he literally was the one who save Ruby single-handedly (literally in that case), but when Ozpin shows up, he has… no grudge?

And the most scathing thing we see is the rest of the team giving him glares.

Stan: “Yeah-has it not occurred to you that Jaune knows he can’t go after Ozpin without hurting Oscar, an innocent? Or is this a fucked if Jaune does, fucked if Jaune doesn’t situation because you don’t actually care about what happens?”

Dudeblade: *still gargling on his bile*

Stan: “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Maybe he was told off off-screen.”

That’s bad writing though. What’s the point of doing something on-screen if they’re going to face consequences off-screen? Resolving conflicts off-screen makes little sense because having the characters face consequences on-screen helps us to see them grow. And seeing them grow helps us connect with them more. Certainly much more than simply telling us that they’ve grown. If they were talking about a physical aspect, that would be one thing. But they literally had Ren just say that they grew in character. Which… pretty much erased all that growth. If you have to pretty much directly tell the audience that you’ve grown as a character, then you haven’t really grown at all.

Dudeblade: “Okay, I’m back. And I am gonna KI-”

Stan: “Storm Hawks did this too.”

Dudeblade: *goes back to gargling his bile*

Stan: “Also people have been noticing these changes for an entire Volume before Ren said it. Even so, You still haven’t debunked my previous argument so Jaune could still just not be involving an innocent person.”

“So, what does this have to with Jaune?”

Thanks for getting me back on track. The way this connects with jaune is that he hasn’t really grown at all. He’s still that hotheaded, entitled, whiny, consequence-free brat that we saw back in volume 1. He hasn’t grown, and that’s the problem. He keeps acting as if Pyrrha’s death mattered only to him, and that’s a problem. Ruby isn’t allowed to mourn because she has to keep it all in so that jaune can brood.

Stan: “... Jaune has stopped hitting on Weiss, Jaune WASN’T hotheaded in Vplumes 1-3, Jaune is more willing to call people out and HE EVEN FUCKING SAYS RUBY LOST PYRRHA TOO YOU IDIOT!”

“Didn’t you say that a big problem with Pyrrha is the lack of connections with other characters?- Wouldn’t it make sense for her loss to be only mourned by the only character she actually interacted with?”

Ruby saw her die though. Not only that, she also saw her kill Penny. Shouldn’t Ruby be having conflicting feelings for her? I mean… if Pyrrha’s death was what set off Ruby’s silver-eyes-machina, then shouldn’t that mean that she obviously has feelings and opinions about her death?- But no. Because it’s jaune that needs to brood, Ruby has to hold it all in.

jaune taking away character development from other characters makes it harder to connect with him, since he’s only ‘developing’ himself. He doesn’t develop Pyrrha, he doesn’t develop Ruby, he doesn’t develop Ren or Nora- he’s just a screentime black hole who alienate the audience by never facing consequences that the audience would realistically face.

Stan: “Yeah, We already know this is all bullshit. And Jaune has had LESS focus than fucking Illa. So bullshit.”

Wait… So why do people still project onto him?”

Because he’s a wish fulfillment character. He’s there to say that you can cheat your way into a school, and get an amazon to not only cover for you, but also get one to slobber over your dick. He’s there to tell the audience that you’ll get respect from a girl you kept asking out as long as you tell the person she wanted to take out to dance with her. He’s there to tell the audience that they can rush in based on their emotions to get revenge and never face consequences for it.

He’s just there to be a wish fulfillment character. And since his original creation was to make him the audience surrogate, that makes him a conflicting character. He is meant to be one thing, but ends up being another. Which is why he fails as a character. Both in his role, and as an actual realistic character.

Stan: “Yeah and guess what? He’s there to say that you will be mocked endlessly by everyone around you, always get rejected by the girl you like in the cruelest way possible even after you tried to SAVE HER LIFE, that women can be basically stalkerish but god forbid you ask someone out twice, that you’ll be beaten and tossed around like a ragdoll while earning the respect of none, that your feelings are secondary to everyone else’s, that no matter what you do nothing will EVER go right in your life. Real fucking great wish fulfillment.

But that just goes to show how fucking delusional you are, that you will outright DENY REALITY just to suit your wants and desires. You want to be racist/sexist/socipathic? Claim the white boy is a self insert so you can bash a man until he hates his job because he was born the wrong gender/skin tone. 

Face facts, Dudeblade, because even a Strawman like me can see it: You’re a psycho. You’re fucked in the head. Face reality.”

[shardvixen]

What Suit is best for the Ocean? An Autobigraphy Paper from 2003From the Den

Greetings All, Shardvixen here.  When I first enter college for my Master's degree, I already knew that education equaled a lot of writting.   but there are all kinds of different writing styles and in college at any level you learn different ways.  I do best in fictional writing because article writing has real weird and fancy ways of doing things and if you don't do them right, you look at the least stupid and at the worst a fake, so your words have no meaning.   

I love to write but the format of writing and spelling are difficult for me.   Mostly it is because of my processing disorder. And partly my outlook on life. For me "Just good enough" works.  Why spend more energy on something for the best out put when just good enough gets you to the same place.  Basically why spend more time on something you don't like or care about, when you can put time into things you do.  Been that way all my life.  This pushes against my need to do the best I can and usually wins when things get to frustrating.

So I had to write an autobiograhpy upon entering college to finish my BA.  I wasn't graded on the material part but on grammer, spelling and format.  I did just good enough.  It is always hard to be graded on something that has personal value.  The worse part for me was, the instruction and most of the class failed to understand it which is also a common occurance for me.  Sometimes I feel like an alien where ever I am at because for what ever reason I fail to communicate properly leaving most of my conversations with people lacking in some way.

As I go through my papers from college and decide what to throw away and what to keep, I have also decided that some of them will go into this blog site.  Maybe to be used as a vlog down the road.  It will make finding them easier and to allow others to reflect on them as well.  So here is the first one, my first paper of my Master degree.

Life is a rollercoaster is a famous metaphor.  I understandit but it just doesn't work for me.  The type of rollercoaster that would represent my life would defy the rules of sscience and never get any willing riders except for the death seekrs.  The only control, on has with a rollercoast is whether or not to ge on the ride and I would have never gotten on this ride willing.

For me, life is an ocean.  There is life above and below.  If you flip over, you end up in the same place with the same but yet different landscape. I once saw how a dolphine sees their surroundings, which is an upside down landscape with the bottom being up and the top is down.  This is a perfect metaphor for my brain. I am sitting in a little ru-a-dub tub and I am perfectly balanced in it.  Sometimes I see the land and franticly try to get there becasue that is what a functional person does.  The land represents the  things that most people seem to have an easy time attaining.  I just have to decide on a regular basis whether or not they are things I want.

I was born disfuntional into a disfunctional family with gernerations of disfunctional history.  At the age of 38, Year 2003, I was told i had peronality disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder.  On the website National Institute of Mental Illness, "borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image and behavior.  This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity.Originally thought to be at the 'borderline' of psyhosis, peoople with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder(manic-depressive illness, BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults, mostly young women." https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

The same site states that the mood swings can last up to a day, for me they can lat a lot longer.  I can go into swings that last up to sixmonths which is why they took so long to diagnose.  my road to self discovery stated withen I was 14, a day that is crystal clear in my memories.  I woke up feeling different not like myself. I have no clear connection to my child self and my teenager self.  It was like I was now two different people

There are many accounts of what it  is like to be mentaly ill from all knds of different mental illness. There is a very good book about Borderline personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland.  The Book is called " Get Me Out of Here".  Parts of her life arin ways very much like mine, butin oterhways not.  That is because mental illness tends to customize tot he person who has it. If a peerson has a curved spine, then he/she will learn to live a the spine that is bent and that changes lots of actions like how clothes look and how a person walks.  It is the same for mental illness. I believe that all people know they are ill whether it is a phyical ill or a mental one. How they deal with it will differ, thus making it hard to diagnose.

i have many people from both professional and personal areas ask me what it feel like inside my head.  I have thus come up with the iead inspsired from the movie "Men in Black".  There is the scene where J and K are asking Beatrice about the bug that took over Edgar. She said, "It was like a big Edgar Ssuit."  Thus I describe my illness as suits.  Lately I have added color because color is a good way to describe my likes, dislikes, and emotions.  So one morning I wake up with the blue suit on.  the blue suit is that over happy state that reminds me of a Car Bear catoon. Little hearts and cute little yellow birds sing witht he happy face sun.  The blue suit describes a manic phase.  All the suits have different characteristic moods and likes/dislikes.  I like the pink suit the best because that is the even keel where I walk like a normal person.  I deal with emotions pretty well and seem to have aporopriate responses.  An orange suit could be an angry suit or even diestructive ideal.  Something will happen and I will wake up with a new suit.  I have learned what kind of things trigger different mood swings.  Most come as a hindsight of information.

Some suits are multi colored becaue inside of me, it is very easy to feel like yes or no to things.  i am totally a maybe child, like waves that are hard and fast on top and cross waves down below.  When someone sys, ' you know I like him an I don't, I totally get it.  That is how I feel all the time.  Emotions are not easy for me.  Sometimes body language messes me up with how a person is talking.  I tend to show an emotional face to the world but that is because that is the mask of control.  If I can wait before making a choice, I love that but life doesn't always give us time to make the choices slowly and then my reptile brain needs to be kicked into overdrive, to deal with things quickly and usually ends up making the less then desirable choice.  I live in that flight or fight pattern daily though I am now better at maintaining a balance due to self understanding i have learned over the years.

Now that we have established that I have had many large tital waves in my life and things from beneath the waves deciding to move me in other currents it is easy to see that my experiences with counselors has best been interestig.  As a child my teachers liked me and wanted to care for me, while my peers didn't.  I loved to do school work which made me very popular with the teachers.  Learning is to this day very exciting to me and helping others to learn is what moved me towards my carreer choices.  I was tutor in high school and Jr. college for people who had issues learning to read.  My first conselor I remember meeting was in 6th grade getting ready to go to Jr. High School and he seemed to feel i was going to hae problems.  He was right.  Academically school was always easy, it was the peer interactions that prove to be trickier.

In high school, my counselor made the recommendation that I see the school mental health worker.  I did not do well with him and he did not do well with my parents.  At this time my parents finally seperated and my whole got a whole lot stormier.  I was forced to take care of myself and proceeded to do a horrible job of it.    It was decided I need to see a therapist more often but my parents refused to participate as was required and I stopped receiving any menatl health help.  I was removed from high school and sent to a continuation high school for drop out, criminals and pregnant teen girls.

At my new high school, my art teacher was also my counselor.  He was one of the main reasons that the school staff became my new family to take over with the one that had left me out in the cold.  I wish I could say I trusted them all but I didn't because my mental health wouldn't let me.  Adults lied all the time and hurt you because they had the power and many refused t o see how the world really treated me. It was always my fault somehow for eevery thing that happen.  My fault that my father was a drunk, my fault that my uncle abused me, my fault my mother decided to relive her teen life, my fault that the peers hurt me.  Always my faut.  How could I trust anyone when those i should have been able to trust had failed me.   It is a lesson that I have worked hard to correct.

I was once told that other people can sense when a person isn't quite right and that is why many children will shun a child who is menatlly ill.  Mentally ill children make great targets especially when others support the attacks.  Teachers, parents and others were quick to ask, "waht did you do to make them act that way towards you?" I have not only in my own life found this to be true but also in other children's lives that I have been lucky enough to be a part of.  For me, I just learn to work hard to make people feel comfortable around me, but teaching children to social can be a bit harder.  

All of my adult life there has been a need to ehlp if I can because that is something that was always missing in my yout, people who wanted to help.  Really help, while my teachers were kind they never pushed to find out what would be really helpful for me.  I learned that there are people who just need a little extra help for all kinds of reasons.  Since I was 16 years old I have tutored peers, adults and children with special needs in one way or another.  Social skills is one skill that many people seem to lacking or just need a little extra help in understanding.  I think because there isn't a course on can take to learn what they need to know, it is just taken for granted that we will all learn it by being part of a group(family, peers and society).  Sometimes thought these groups take it for granted that every one knows how to interact with others, especially if the individual is very smart.  Really smart children can get lost in social actions and few peoople realize that even now in 2003.  I am  very good at observing a person and seeing where they may be missing an important of the silent code that every society has when learning and using social interactions ad cues.

When I decided to pursue the careeer of behaviortherapy, I was told I needed a masters degree.  At the time I was following the path of a teacher, even though I didn't really wantt to be a school teacher.  I have a talent that kind of has moved me down a certian career path. I can desing a lesson plan for anyone, I have a way of understanding how people learn.  I learn this while in school of computer software programing.  Though I had really been doing it for a long time, like teaching people to read.. i have a talent for teaching the most unteachable(described that way by others who tried and failed to teach them anything) children.  I have changed many children's lives and many have come back over the years and thanked me for doing my best with them.  I don't really believe that anyone is unteachable but that rather it is our own expectations of what is needed to be taught based on what their brains can do.  I am very proud of the work I have done and the accomplishments I have helped others to achieve.

In my life at this time, I sit and wonder do I have what it takes to be a counselor, I have to think do they let crazy people become counselors.  Most of the psychologists I have worked with in the school systems have told me yeas because we are all crazy and a few of us are menatlly ill.  I believe it is important to tell people I am mentally ill.  Most people have their own concepts of what mental health issues look like and how each one should be treated.  Many people are afraid of mentally ill people espcially mentally ill children.  They are fearful of asking questions.  I know that sometimes it is hard to know what is appropriate to ask.  When peoople ddeal with mental illness they still want to put peoople int an area or slot that is very easy to understand, but it is never that easy because well, people really are not easty. It would be grand if we were all like those cookie cutter perfect people and we all came from cute little perfect homes and lives but imperfections occur in all kins of different ways. And while many peoople may understand this logically, they fail to refelct it in their own lives and the lives around them.

One of the things I think I can bring from my own history to my career as a counselor is that I do know how it feels.  There is none of theat, " Wow did she really say that or do that?"  I know that people can do the things that makes most of the societies' population go, "wait what?"  I observe people and wait to see what is going on before I decide if they need help or not.  People say "help me" in many ways without saying they need it..  I know how to wait for those signs.

I have been an employee of various schools for over ten years working with all kinds of school populations.  I have been working in both regular education and special needs.  I like working with children and find joy working with those that others have gotten very frustrated with. I know how it feels to be held hostage by your brain and your illness.  I have been a caregive and taught people how to care for themselves and their children.  All of these jobs will help me become the best helper I can be in the therapy field.  I do believe I am sensitivite to the needs of people and nojudgemental about their choices they make and the lifestyles they choose to live.  I very much believe that every one has the right to be happy and content.

one of my biggest challenges is that I nned to understand my own illness and then to get others to understand it without it becoming an issue to how well I can do in being helpful.  People are very leery about letting people with mental illness work with others.  I can understand why, but not all people want to hurt others.  I want to help, but I can't fix people only guide them to make their own choice to helpthemsleves.  

So as i float in my ocean learning the suits I need to be successful and  knowing what kind of suits I am wearing and how that helps or disrupts my life, I think about how maybe I need a super hero suit.  One that can protect me while helping others. I know i will do good in this new career path I have choosen and it may move me in another current as I learn more about myself and what I have to offer the world.

The End:  Not really.  This was written about  16 years ago and a lot changed along the way.  But I kept learning about myself which was very helpful.  I don't have many manic eposides.  I have learn that PTSD can cause a lot of suit changing, so I feel like I am in and out of the closet of my mind.  But through all of it the one thing I did learn is the best thing you can do for yourself is not give up or give in.  Sometimes it is just best to float in the sun and bask while taking a moment to reflect in the waves that life is most certianly interesting and rarely dull.

I know this was a rather long bit of writing but most papers in college are required to be long.  I hope this gave you some insight to how I use to think of myself and how far I have come.  Catch you all on the flip side and i am outta here....Peace all.

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[anything-advice-blog]

Submission

So my dads grandson (biologically he is my nephew) just turned 19. He lives with me, my parents, and my siblings. he is Such a NUISANCE! I believe that He is a narcissist (but he hasn’t been diagnosed with it yet so I can only speculate). I want to emphasize that He has been diagnosed with ADHD, plus his parents (my half- sister and his father) weren’t the best parents. my sis had him young and she wasn’t a nurturing parent plus his dad was never really around so we try to be as open minded as possible. “He is just a product of a really bad upbringing”, we thought.  However my dads grandson’s behavior is just UNACCEPTABLE. So his mom and my parents and my other elder sister and youngest brother, left the country for months because they have plans to move abroad. So it was just me, my other younger brother and my cousin (btw my biological nephew is not too much younger than us so our relationship has been more like a sibling/cousin type). So AS SOON AS the older people left my nephew starts doing things that he KNOWS he is not allowed to do but the older people were gone. He would make a mess in the house, invite is druggie friend over and smoke weed in the house (my dad is against weed. we wouldn’t mind it but it stinks up the house and we believe that the weed makes my nephew more paranoid and agitated). He also started to bully my brother more by yelling at him and threatening him(who, mind you, is his uncle). i would ask him to clean up after himself because i have to maintain the house because being the eldest ill get crap for there being chaos in the house. but when i ask he refuses to do it because he has too much pride and arrogance to listen to me. he also took my parents car (without permission and without any of us knowing) and had his friends drive it. And if i were to call my dad about his behavior, it would backfire on me because my dad would just call my nephew and kind of throw me under the bus by saying “oh she called me 6 times to complain about you!” then the kid would start yelling at me and threatening me and tell me to mind my own business. Another thing he did is that he used our home phone and call long distance which would come up to hundreds of dollars! my dad had to pay for a lot of those but at one point the rest of us had to pay for it! we would tell him to stop but he would not listen and he continues doing it. oh and you must be wondering, “why don’t you guys just get him or his mom to pay for it?” welp he doesn’t have a job so he can’t and even if he did have money he would pretend that he didn’t. oh and his mom?  yeah we asked her and all she said was “he’s grown so he needs to pay for it himself!” so that was that. Oh and did i mention, he keeps getting himself arrested because he hangs around with the wrong crowd and he expects us to bail him out! The boy wants us to treat him like he is grown but he is dependent on us and he acts childish. He contradicts himself, he has a bad sense of entitlement, he is a bully, he is manipulative and he has this “all about me” type mindset. He doesn’t care that his actions affect other people. He stresses my dad out really bad and he got into a huge argument with my mom and now they aren’t on speaking terms. i am also not on speaking terms with him because of his behavior. But even after all of this my dad can not bring himself to kick him out because he feels sorry for him about his poor upbringing. my sister/his mother wanted to kick him out but since she also lives with my parents so she cant do much.  Another reason why my dad doesn’t want to kick my nephew out is because my nephew sometimes acts polite and nice when he wants to be. But i think this is just his part of his manipulative behavior because he knows that he depends on us ( although he acts like he doesn’t). So would it be justified to kick this boy out even considering his disorders and poor upbringing? another reason as to why my dad doesn’t want to kick him out is because he feels my nephew cant be on his own or else he will go down a dangerous path. But i have a feeling that my nephew knows this and he intends on sponging off people for the rest of his life. his parents are, i hate to say it,  bums and i think he doesn’t mind ending up like them because my sister/mom also sponges off people especially our parents. and his dad is surviving so that’s good enough. so he didn’t really have a good role model. whats worse is that his mom stole a lot of money from our parents do it added more stress on the family. i am stressed out in my house because other peoples bad decisions affect me negatively and i’m tired of it. i plan on moving out when i can. not because of my nephew but because my whole house is ridiculous. My youngest brother suffers from autism and bipolar disorder so being with him is hard.  Most people in my household have issues and they cause me quite a bit of stress. what do you think about kicking him out? im asking more for my parents and not for me, as it is their house, not mine.  p.s. sorry for my bad grammer 

  I’m sorry your nephew (hopefully I got that correct, it was a bit difficult for me to keep up) is causing you and your family so much stress. I don’t know if I can really give a direct answer to your question, because honestly, every situation and person is different.

However, I can definitely understand why you’re upset. If he’s 19 years old, he’s old enough to begin to learn how to behave politely. He’s also old enough to begin providing for himself, or to at least try to help out around the house if nothing else. He’s legally an adult, and it doesn’t sound like he realizes this at all.

The reason he’s doing all of these things is because he can get away with it. There aren’t any real consequences for his actions. Before your parents try to kick him out, they should try to give him a chance. Maybe if he realizes that if he continues to act this way, there will actually be punishment, then he might stop.

In the end, though, he’s 19. I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to politely ask him to find another place to reside if he’s causing problems in the household and not providing any money or help to the house and family. Everyone has their own part to play, and he isn’t playing his.

This is a really difficult situation all over, but basically he’s either staying there or not. And if your parents decide to let him stay, they need to begin disciplining him and showing him that he doesn’t run the house, otherwise things will continue like this. It’s unfortunate that he feels he can take advantage of them.

-Brooke

[janiklandre-blog]

Sunday, February 12, 2017

10:10 a.m. a cold and rainy day - just put in 12 of you, one by one into Bcc - perhaps I should go to contacts, where I have noticed list is offered - who knows - I might even figure out how to do a list. Have been writing letters to some of you how horribly frustrating it is to be 84 and needing help for every small step - two year olds jiust do it - well I remember in Prague watching old women standing on top of an escalator not daring to use it - and the subways were built by Russian, very deep, very fast escalators - I never checked are there even stairs, or an elevator. In New York a group called I believe active disabled have achieved getting a lot of elevators - that I too prefer at Hudson Yards - on the New York West Side, West 34th Street where a millionaire paradise is going up - hundred of apartments costing millions - builders do not care if many stand empty, it's an investment for all the money they've made on our many wars - but a subway to get there was built at great cost, very deep, you need three fast escslators and especially at times when I reluctantly use a rolling suitcase - I am scared on these escalators. The reason I've been going there is to use Megabus to Amherst - that started out on 8th avenue, several buses a day, $10 for the ride, I was always offered a soap box to sit on, escorted first on the bus - then it went to 9th, then to 10th, now it's on 11th, almost in the river, nothing to sit on, no shelter from rain or sun, one or two buses a day - the 9 o'clock bus comes from Vermont and goes to 32nd and 7th ave to let passengers off and ast best is by 10 to take on waiting passengers who are urged to be 30 minutes early, so have been standing 90 minutes in rain, snow, hot sun - the young seem to love it - hardly made for a woman at 84 - and the cost now $20 plus - a very secret phone number to reserve, $5 extra - the young on their smart phones, reserve, csncel, reserve again, flash their cell phone - I am given on the phone about 20 numbers and the driver is hesitant to let me on - brace new world. Only for the most intrepid of the disabled in wheel chairs - but access they must be given, first, holds things up another 15 minutes - and it's only for the feisty - but - there are some some. In nyc indents for the disabled have been made at every side walk crossing - mostly used by zooming bicycles, now the silently motorized by battery, considered eco friendly - no bicycle in nyc ever has a bell, they zoom at top speed by you grazing you - many disabled scooters also go at some 25 miles an hour - buses travel at 5 miles an hour, terrible congestion - then of course there are the fast roller scaters, scate boards, also motorized by now - it is a pretty wild city - Steve W. assured me: they have better reflexes than you have - I hope so - terrorized jumping out of their way - which is said to be wrong. Almost every body I know has gotten hit - a miracle I have not been hit yet. Well. all my virtuous friends - good decent people who don't write horrible stuff - are in church at this moment, confessing to God they are sinners - I think in Latin something like mea culpa, mea grandissima culpa, in Polish - their churches are full - moje vyna, moje vyna, in English I have sinned, greatly sinned - in Germany I've most rarely been to church and then it was still Latin in the Catholic churches - well I guess it's a good idea to confess to your brothers and sisters whst a great sinner you are and asking God for forgiveness. When I was in Prague people still confessed to a priest - and when my Catholic childhood friends went to their first confession they were given a list of sins to confess and I puzzled with them what adultery meant - and a number of others sins helping them to figure out what they should confess. Still, I was envious of them, they were in the vast majority, I was alone, an outsider - and alone and an outsider I am to this day. A lonely sinner. I hope confessing on what now is a blog - though I still need Molly to help ignorant old me figure out how to tell people how to get to the blog, she sent me written instructionsd I cannot figure out - terribly frustrating. Our first two sessions were wonderfully long sessions and I learned so much talking to this wise far beyong her years 23 year old - and mistakingly believed she had more time than she does - volunteering, working three job, performing and time consuming travel from and to Brooklyn. I just wrote to her - yes, skeletal Ken was wonderful and we loved our long Thursday afternoons - he came at 12 and left at 7 - alas he was already deadly ill when he first came - and Molly is young and strong and brilliant. Ken, Ken - how many times did he show me to write this in word, to double space it, how to transfer from word to email - yes, the two year olds do it with ease - and I - well I love computers - but my senses alas are not really geared to them. In theory I know it all - practice is something else. Our Goethe also had something a bout grey theory and difficult practice. It's freezing here - I have a shawl my daughter in law knitted for me on my knees I am wearing a down jacket and still, my hands are cold. How could such a terrible heating system ever been constructed - I've long expected stupidity to become the end of mankind. Oh yes, and by the way, yesterday's blog ended in the middle of a word - C.B. m - because suddenly the weirdest images appeared, I had no idea how to get rid of them and reminded me of a woman called Susie, she has died, who believed the computer actually being God and giving her important mussages - well I was about to write something possibly nasty about C.B.and the wise computer put a fasrt end to it and I quickly sent what was there before that might disappear altogether - I was much calmer writing on my wonderful Olivetti Lettera - what I had written was there on paper, reliably - and then I would go to the the copy shop and make 50 copies and then I had 50 labels and always bought interesting stamps - and one German friend ? would return the letter, grammer corrected, underlined in red and in big letters: do not send any more of these horrible mass mailings - send a letter addressed to me. Well, at least I heard from her - two or three might respond - yet often much later I would meet one in the street, enthusiastically embracing me and telling me how wonderful my letter had been and please send more - and so - when Ken came into my life and at least learned email I loved with a click to be able to send it to hundreds - and now that it is a blog, that Ken warned me of - Ken, I promise to be careful My hands are freezing. Many of you even if you started probably have long stopped reading. I should be in church. But with no one to talk to - and when I love talking, I do love talking and have many times been told to shut up - and please, either get depressed again or take pills that will make you shut up - have you no shame - do you ever listen to anyone  else - and as it happens, I do. I am aware I am loved for listening, not for talking. This has been made amply clear to me by the virtuous - who love to hear their own important voices - they are saying something of meaning and importance - not babble by an old biddy - and if I may so, I have a lot more kind interest in people than I do. What still went through my mind - using initials rather than names, to be cautious as Ken recommended - this is turning into something like a roman a clef - there is a key as to who C.B. is, who M.H. is - and many I won't even mention by initial - those whose friend I want to remain. I will not give you the key - that is what the tedious students of literature will - should any of my writing ever become seen as literature. Well, some of what I have written so far already would be labelled subversive under a dictator - and Krugman in the NYT yesterday obliquely sufggested how easy for governments it is to orgsanize a terrorist attack and then declare a state of emergency - he called it "a power grab" he suggested will happen - and all I can say: be prepared. Perhaps not the best of times to go public with my writing - but then again luckily I'm still the tiniest of fish - even though not long ago cops stopped me on an empty road in New Hampshire - emptied by the bypass that was made - and when ignorant me began to open the door of my rented car with Massachusetts plated - two jumped out of their cars guns drawn, yelling - do not move - when I produced my driver's licence they sneered: New York driver, no wonder she csnnot drive - caution stopped them from commenting on the Jewish name - then I was interrogsted, where was I coming from, what was I doing on this road, where I was going, my answers producing sneers, then the disappeared into their car to study me on their computer, ordering me not to move - some 30 or more minutes later returned: we are bering kind to you and letting you go away with a warning - I much thanked them and as humbly as I could muster asked what sin I had commited: you made an illegal turn. I had been on a small road only used by locals, had passed some bored high school kids, they had called the cops - all of them totally bored - enjoying to find a danferous old woman with an accent - and being so wonderfully kind and professional - keeping America safe! Yes, you can be white, Protestant, I was baptized Lutheran as a precaution in 1943 - an American - but this is a country of xenophobis and I had another very unpleasant incident of that sort on a train heading for New York - where I was tsken for a German tourist - I always have my passport on me - when I produced it, great suspicion it was fake. Well, I was still going to comment on those in church - they have told me I am too loud, too self centered, too overbearing, a nasty maniac - she writes!!!! - yes I write, and with no one to talk to I also write about how insulting they are, how heartless, how hurtful - even in nyc - my "friends" are xenophobes, anti-Semites - and what is the word for people who cannot stand old people = there must be some word too. My s5 iPhone rang, 508 - what could that be - Eastern Mass as it turns out - a person who does not want to mentioned in this here blog - and so it goes  - it's noon - I am hungry, but my decoration teeth have fallen out - hopefully tomorrow at 9 either Maggie of the dentist will be there - I can barely drink coffee - all this would never have happened - had I had a good doctor who would have warned me of the side effects of those beta blocker pills whose name I keep forgetting - it seems they keep my veins open to allow the blood to flow to prevent a stroke - but it seems they also acidified my saliva - my dentist told me long ago - three women doctors, all the nurses gave me dire warnings of going off these pills and now I'cve taken them 7 years and and my veins must be used to them - but my teeth are history - until now I've had a bridge - but he said I would havce to go to denture - not a happy prospect - but these keep falling out - not very happy either two Chinese just arrived, speaking this mysterious language  - now a good doctor would have warned me of side effects - also loss of balance, falls - and suggested weight loss, exercise and checking my blood pressure - and I would be in much better shape today - good doctors - a privilege of the rich - who then can boast in what great shape they are at 105. Marianne