#like not necessarily related to this but if ur feeling sad and all im a friend!!

[rokutouxei]

filling in the gaps

theodorus van gogh/mc | T | 3603 | ao3 link in bio you are damaged goods, and there is only so much love can do.

⚠ warnings: attempted suicide, depressive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and cursing. please be careful if you’re reading this. ⚠

(a little vent fic for a bad dream) 

comte had asked you if you wanted to go back “home.”

it takes all your strength to bite back the automatic retort: what is home anyway? the future you’ve thrown away? can you still go back to that? won’t doing so be like an uprooting? to be harshly pulled out of this little dream-like living in a mansion with vampires reality you’ve burrowed yourself into, back into the unforgiving unknowable of the time you once called yours.

you consider his suggestion idly, sitting on the plush chair in his room, watching his many hourglasses count the passing of irreversible time. your eyes fall onto the one that marks that door’s opening. you bite your lower lip.

“you don’t have to make a decision tonight, or anytime soon,” comte assures you, one hand on your shoulder. “you have to do what’s best for you. and whatever you decide, i’ll be behind you.” you can only nod because your throat is in a tight knot. “i’m sure theodorus will understand.” the mention of his name breaks your heart. comte stares at you, trapped in a corner with his inability to do anything more for you. “i’ll have sebastian bring tea to your room. you should rest tonight.”

“thank you, comte,” you manage to say, and with a sigh get up from the chair. something creaks and you don’t know if it’s the floor or your heart.

theo won’t be home for three more days.

-

for a week, you’ve been dreaming of asylums.

you move down the gray halls like a ghost, passing through doors, gates. you hear a stranger’s manic laughter at the end of a hallway, in a locked room. there’s the clinking of chains matched with muted screams from another. the clanking of trolleys with medicine bottles and syringes, accompanied by the footsteps of a harried nurse. she’s rushing to get somewhere, except you don’t know if she’s coming in, or running out.

the path in the building is winding and labyrinth-like. every inch you move inward, it gets darker. you turn to an open window and jump without thought. but gravity doesn’t pull you downwards; you land gently like a fallen flower petal. only here do you realize you’re translucent.

eventually, you find your way to the garden, the sun shrouded by clouds. people rush past you like they don’t see you. somehow, that’s comforting. that is, until someone in a patient’s green dressing gown begins to thrash and cry out loud; nurses, doctors rush out and press them to the ground, cheek to the dirt. a doctor pulls out a syringe from his pocket like a soldier would a sword, a weapon to protect himself, and injects the ill with something that makes them spasm, then quiet down. limp. boneless.

(you want to turn away but you can’t.)

they’re awake. the asylum staff begin to stand up, get off their knees, but the patient is left on the ground. if you squint hard enough, you see tell-tale stitches along the crown of their head; they look like they’re about to split open. the unnamed patient look up from where they’re pushed down and look up at you with familiar sunken eyes. they mouth: you’re next.

with the swift crashing sensation of being woken up, you realize where you’ve seen those eyes before. you turn to the mirror, wondering if you’re still dreaming.

-

you didn’t want to talk to vincent, because talking to vincent is tantamount to telling theo. but somehow you know he’ll understand, he definitely will, and unconsciously, you’re drawn to his vicinity as the whatever simmers coldly in your gut. he doesn’t ask questions—thankfully—and just offers you company.

theo probably already knows, anyway. after all, this has been going on for months. not completely terrible months, no, there were good weeks, great days. but the haze remains.

vincent is a kind spectator, patient, quiet, only really offering advice, words, hugs, when you show that you’re ready for it. you wonder if it’s because he knows what it’s like: can tell the signs, can figure out the clues.

today, you sit on his sofa with a book from the library. when you get distracted, you look up, watching him paint. he has a little vase of multicolored hydrangeas, a gift from dazai. vincent sprayed the flowers with water to give them a shine, and he’s trying to figure out how to show it on his painting. his hands are stained with ink.

the part of you that has loved theo all this time would have beamed with excitement, because there is nothing like vincent’s paintings, especially when he’s trying out something new.

but that part of you is silent.

you stare at his canvas with empty eyes.

you wonder how quickly will the hydrangeas wilt and die.

theo won’t be home for two more days.

-

when you started showing symptoms again, you hadn’t even noticed it. it was theo who noticed it first, and when he’d brought it up to you, you laughed it off saying you were only tired. but once he’d told you, it became glaringly undeniable.

the weight you thought was exhaustion. the worry you thought was simply from circumstance. the sleeplessness you blamed on coffee. the oversleeping you blamed on… night-time activities with theo. the trembling in your hands you blamed on the weather.

no. the monster you’d thought you’d left in the 21st century had followed you through a time traveling door. you can make a home out of a whole new time period and it’ll still follow you around. you’d never really escaped it. it only quieted down, long enough for you to think you were safe.

now you were not safe.

there are no pills here yet, so long practiced strategies for preserving what’s left of a shattered stability returns to the forefront. getting enough sunlight. eating good, healthy food. exercising regularly. getting enough sleep. for a while it becomes enough. getting out of bed becomes easier. things don’t seem bleak. for a while you feel the cold retreating.

until it doesn’t.

one day, theo catches you with your hands around your neck, crying, gasping, trembling, eyes red, cheeks stained with tears. wild eyes, like you’re seeing something he cannot. it takes him a full thirty minutes to get you to focus on him and on the present. it takes him another hour to get you to stop crying and shaking, to clean you up.

that night, you wake up on his bed tucked under his blanket, cold and alone. you open your eyes slowly and see him by the window, looking out at the moon, its silver light over his hard features. he looks terrified. it takes you a while to realize it’s because he’s already seen death in the face once, just on someone else’s eyes. someone he treasures too. and that… was like being greeted by it once more.

you decide, as much as you can, to never show him your breakdowns again.

-

you didn’t want to be dependent on theo. you wanted to stand next to him, and be strong, and help him fulfill his dreams, and build yourself a new one in this time.

you had so much planned for the both of you.

sitting alone in his room, in the dark, wearing one of his dress shirts with all but two buttons closed, under his blanket, you feel these dreams slip in between your fingers like fine sand.

theo has always been there filling in the gaps for your empty spaces. and he’s taken the role without complaint either. the spaces between your fingers are for his. the little hole in your heart filled with a love that refuses to erode. where there is doubt he fills it with assurance, and where there is fear he pledges protection.

so you say in exchange you will offer him your everything, but what are you in return for all the treasures he is giving you? he’s handed you the world, and you are damaged goods.

and there is only so much love can do.

you close your eyes and look at the clock. just a bit before midnight. you probably won’t get a wink of sleep.

theo will be home tomorrow, but it feels far too long.

-

do you know that feeling when everything has finally clicked and something you’ve long wanted to do has been made possible, the universe aligning things to your advantage and you feel invincible? today feels like that day, at last. it’s because theo’s finally coming home, you say to yourself. and it’s true, you had missed him. except something about that just doesn’t feel quite right.

but you appreciate the way your body doesn’t seem to fight you for every move you want it to make. you’re watering the flowers in the garden when your mind begins to float again.

grounding, you were told once. back at home, comte had called it. a place that feels like a million years ago, ironically, when it’s a psychiatrist’s office a hundred years into the future. activate your senses, focus on the present, let your thoughts go away with your breath.

the taste of the fresh air.

the soft green of the grass.

the smell of the sweet flowers.

the bright blue of the sky.

the sound of the birds singing lovely songs to each other.

you hold them together in your mind, but what happens when you can’t breathe?

your eyes open wide.

wind, you realize. you need wind.

-

already dressed for a trip out, you say you forgot to buy a welcome-back gift for theo, and you’d promised him something special. sebastian doesn’t quite buy your lie, noticing the deep circles under your eyes, but he lets you go anyway. you predict he’ll send someone off to follow you—napoleon, jean—but that will take time, and that’s enough.

you’re great at acting when you have to be. sebastian asks you to put on a coat and bring an umbrella, while he calls a carriage. there’s a storm coming in, he says. you better come back quick, master theodorus will be home any minute. you nod and smile and follow his orders obediently. for the first time in weeks, you feel weightless.

you ask to be dropped off at one of the galleries you and theo frequent. an inconspicuous place, you imagine, when sebastian calls the driver back and ask where’d you gone to. when, you’re sure. not if.

you say thank you as you get down and watch the carriage disappear into the distance. and then, you turn on your heel and walk towards the inevitable.

-

there’s a graveyard at the edge of town. past it, there’s an open cliffside, beyond where the forest ends. you’ve never been to that cliff before, but somehow it feels familiar. the path your feet forges down the dirt feels like it was made for you. you feel like you’ve been here once, in a dream.

when you get there, the sky has turned a dark gray, the clouds just about to burst, an impending storm. you breathe deeply, inhaling the wind that smells like sea and rain, filling your lungs. you linger at the hem of the forest, and should someone see you, they’d say you’re hesitating. you’re not.

you’re so excited your hands are shivering.

ground yourself, you were told once, activate your senses. you take your feet out of your shoes, jumping at the cool of the rock underneath you. steady unlike the swinging in your head. you take your coat off, placing it on the ground, finally feeling the full brunt of the cool wind. you pull your hair out of its ties, letting it loose in the breeze.

you feel so light. like you were made to be here the whole time.

why hadn’t you come here earlier?

one step, two. toward the cliff. the crashing of the waves seem louder and louder. it takes you a moment to realize it’s only because your heart has stopped drumming in your ears. calmness—you feel full, a good kind.

you can jump now. no one to stop you. jump now, while no one has arrived, you tell yourself.

thunder rolls in the distance. a flash of lightning. you step closer to the edge. not too close, but close enough that you feel dizzy. gently, you get down on your knees, just to touch the edge with your hands, as if making sure it’s actually here.

like you’re not dreaming this time. not a ghost, walking through halls. this time you are real.

this is next time.

your heart races up your chest instinctively, warning you of the possibility of falling, but you press your palm on your chest and shush it. quiet, heart—there is nothing to fear. the waves look beautiful—a deep, dark color, something between blue and gray, the white of seafoam in intricate shapes. the waves whip along jagged rocks at the bottom. they sound they make like a frantic parent, shushing a crying child.

the ocean is a beautiful place to die.

slowly, you get up on your feet. there is no more shaking. no more heart desperately begging. there is only you, and all the other parts of you that have conceded defeat. your brain races with excitement at the satisfaction of falling—of having the courage of jumping.

lightning strikes once more. then thunder. you tell yourself, the next time it flashes white, you’ll jump before the thunder calls.

seconds pass. you don’t want to wait, but you’ve waited all this time—what’s a little bit more? your mind is a traitor, flashing imagined worried faces of the rest of the people in the mansion. comte, who will feel infinitely at fault. sebastian, who had let you go. vincent, for not being able to save you even if you were able to be vulnerable with him. everyone else. napoleon, mozart, jean, isaac, arthur, dazai. shakespeare, elsewhere.

and theo.

oh, why theo?

sorry, you want to tell him.

well, you did. you think of the necklace you’d left behind on his bed. the engagement ring strung on it. he would know what it meant.

that’s why it hurts, because he would know.

and you’d rather spare him all this.

hondje!

ah, now you’re hearing him? this is unfair, you tell your brain. we’ve gotten so far, and now you’re sabotaging all my efforts.

hondje!

you take a deep breath, and your eyes are filled with white. lightning strikes in the distance, a go-signal from the universe. your right leg swings over the edge, and—

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

a warm hand curls around your wrist and pulls you backward strongly. you crash into solid arms just as the thunder rolls in with an unprecedented anger.

you only catch a glimpse of your beloved theo’s face, not enough to look clearly, before you’re buried into his chest, his arms around you so tight like he’s worried you’ll disintegrate into thin air if he doesn’t hold you strongly enough.

now stuck in the darkness, your other senses begin to refocus.

taste. there’s blood in your mouth. coppery. you must have bitten your tongue. it makes you nauseous.

smell. the cologne he always wears when he’s going somewhere fancy. sweat, like he ran all the way here. and that distinct theo smell that reminds you of home, like pressed clothes and fresh rain and love. it makes your heart twinge. you were looking for this, hiding underneath his sheets and wearing his clothes. you hoped it would save you. it didn’t. it couldn’t.

touch. why is he shaking if he’s so warm? he has an arm across your head, his hand in your hair, you feel his fingers press against your scalp. his other hand digs into your waist so hard you feel his nails. but the sting is comforting. and it doesn’t actually hurt much, it just feels… real. heavy. tangible. you haven’t felt this in a while. like somehow everything before this touch was just a dream.

and then you hear him. it takes so long, but then you hear him. he’s angry. but not in the way that makes you flinch, that scares everyone who dares oppose him. it’s that kind of angry where he’s hurt so bad the only way he can get it out of him is anger, and you’re breaking too. you can hear it in his voice, the way it shakes, the way it’s desperate to be heard. you feel it even if you don’t hear the words over the hum of your brain, a buzzing that doesn’t seem like it’ll ever go away.

you try to patch up the scattered syllables.

maybe he says “what the fucking hell were you thinking? what if i didn’t make it on time? what would i have fucking done? did you even consider thinking of that? godverdomme, schatje.”

theo doesn’t curse, never that much.

you wonder if this is really him. you wonder if you did this to him.

the part of your mind that is still self-destructing tries to escape his hold: the places where he touches you feels on fire, and deep inside of you a voice calls for the cool embrace of the ocean.

but you don’t find the strength to get up. if death was to burn in searing pain in his arms, then let it be: a penitence for sins you’ve done. for the hurt you’ll leave him breaking apart on.

except theo is cruel, and he will not let you die. when you drift back, he’s calling your name like you weren’t in his arms, but somewhere else.

and you were, somehow. you’ve long left this place, in your head. but you can’t not come back when he’s calling you like that.

silence.

the hush of the wind is all you hear. the waves. your mind goes quiet too.

you wonder if theo’s run out of things to say, or he’s figured that you don’t have the strength to listen. but he doesn’t loosen his embrace around you. for a second, you wonder if you’ve finally died, and you’d just not realized it.

until it rains.

raindrops cold like ice falling from the unforgiving gray sky. it makes you look up, on instinct, and when you do, you catch his eyes. you don’t know if it’s the light, or your own eyesight, but he looks back at you with a stare like a stormy gray sea that has watched many ships sink into its depths.

he’s watching you sink.

you’re watching yourself sink.

you do the least you can do: force the barest of a smile onto your lips, even if it hurts.

and then he cries.

you almost don’t notice because of the rain and how intensely he’s looking at you, but you see the hitch in his breath. his narrowed eyebrows.

his eyes.

at that moment, everything crashes down onto you with its full weight. suddenly, you are flesh and bone again. it’s sensory overload and you feel everything with great intensity: the icy rain dripping on your bare skin, the weight of your clothes, the blood rushing through your veins, the dig of theo’s hands on your skin, the cool of the stormy breeze.

oh, fuck, the weight of having to exist.

the back of your eyes finally burn with tears you’ve been begging to cry out for months—it makes you sob and theo pulls you back against his chest. like in a bubble, stuck in this small moment of each other’s company, the storm, the cliff, the waves don’t exist: there is only you and him, bodies together after what seems like an eternity of floating in the void.

you whisper sorry so weakly into the rain-damp fold of his collar you don’t know if he heard you. but it seems he does, because he presses a kiss to your forehead—chin rough with a light stubble, the sensation grounding you—

and whispers right against your traitorous brain, the one that always is out to knock the life out of you, “live. live. live.”

over and over again like a prayer, like if he says it long enough it’ll ring the same way the next time the shadow that sleeps in your veins wakes up again.

“live. live. live—”

fills the gap in the hollow of your chest with his presence. not love, not protection, no vows to protect. just his presence. two survivors pressed together holding on for dear life as the ship begins to sink, with the only comfort, each other.

your arms wind up around his torso, finally returning his hug, and it is only when his shoulders relax that you notice how tense he’s been all this time.

i can’t promise, you want to tell him, but your voice is lost somewhere, drowned out by the storm. you know with all your heart you are already knee-deep in your grave and you have no right making promises about this. i can’t promise you that, but i’ll do my best. so please stay beside me.

darkness begins to cloud your vision; the exhaustion, the sleeplessness taking over. you’re thankful theo is there to hold you up. far away, the sound of hoofbeats, your little 19th century found family coming to rescue the both of you and bring you back home.

yes, you tell your mind, before you drift into restful sleep, lulled by the sound of theo’s heartbeats. warm in his arms. this is what it means to go home.

[misterradio]

2061 spoilers (i just finished it so... thoughts abt stuff towards the end)

dave talking abt the... creature(s) who are like in charge of the monolith (i literally do not know how to address them so for simplicity's sale i am gonna call them 'the star people') says "i met it once" but "i have heard nothing of it since".... kind of makes me sad that arthur would retcon that out from this book cuz i liked in 2010 when dave was exploring stuff and he was accompanied by their presence. and the scene where they talked to him briefly was creepy 👍

but also arthur has said that there r not only inconsistencies between books but also that they don't all necessarily take place in like..... the same timeline....? so. not to say it did not happen at all, cuz it did, in a form. in its own book.

~~~~~

TALKIMG ABOUT SOMething else related to this book/concept:

theres like, this (assumption? mechanism? no idea what would be a good word for what im going for) that because dave is now this spectral being that his loss of his humanity also means losing his emotions, i guess I don't really know why it has to be that way.

the star people value the mind above all things (so i guess that's why dave + others lose their body but keep their thoughts, identity, memories, etc) and that wouldn't exclude emotions.... emotions r in ur brain/mind too... and they obviously have some feelings still, they just are removed from any familiar functions of human life, i guess they just don't feel the same way about certain things as a human might, and that is why there is this supposed 'loss' of feeling........ idk .........

~~~~~

This book series is literally so hard to talk about sometimes and this took forever to type✌ WHATEVER. anyways i am excited to finish this series soon.... >::-)

[urmomsstuntdouble]

If ur still doing the 100 followers thing, well I challenge YOU with deciphering Lithuania.

ok anon thank you so much for asking this question because i have in fact recently fallen in love with lithuania, because they are such an interesting character! (also hhhh im so sorry for how late this is) 

Gender

As you may have noticed, I usually use they/them pronouns to refer to Lithuania. I hc them as being nonbinary and using he/they pronouns, though I personally prefer to use they rather than he in that case because. Idk what pronouns you use. But in my experience it’s really hard to get people to call you ‘they’ when you go by ‘he/they’ or ‘she/they’ or smth like that. Though I don't imagine any of the nations are very attached to their “birth gender” (are nations born???), lithuania is one of those who is a bit less attached. They’re just sort of there, in terms of gender. In my headcanons i also think this has something to do with religion, as lithuania was one of the last european countries to convert to Christianity- just because so much of gender as we know it comes from christianity and what people in the 16th and 17th centuries considered a ‘good’ christian. Thats not to say that there are no gender roles in other religions, but that the way westerners typically conceptualize gender has quite a lot to do with the religious conflicts occurring within christianity. Like you can trace the ideas behind the nuclear family archetype back to the protestant reformation. Additionally, I hc them as being Jewish, which further distances them from the western christian gender roles (though that’s not why i hc them as jewish! More on that later). Finally, i just like myself some trans/nb characters. There’s so few popular trans hcs and that makes me kinda sad ya know? Welcome to the trans agenda its just me projecting onto all my faves

Mental Health

Okay, so, i think it’s pretty well known that lithuania’s mental health is wack. They’re often characterised as being a very anxious person, but i think the ways in which they’re anxious is super interesting. For one, they are extremely conflict averse and like to avoid it by being a sort of people pleaser. It’s a sort of defense mechanism, because nobody can hate you if you do whatever they say. Like, if you let people be shitty to you, they won’t hate you for your personality. This is clearly flawed logic because then people are still going to be shitty to you, but. It makes sense to liet. In their mind, it’s okay to let people hurt if your reason is sound enough- Because if they’re not super emotionally engaged in a relationship that’s unhealthy for them, then they can’t get hurt, right? Of course, they can. A good example of this is their relationship with Russia. I think tolvydas sees compliance as necessary there, in order to avoid being hurt. The thing is…compliance is also hurting them, even if they see it as ‘worth it.’ To them, behaving in a submissive way is a survival tactic. A really bad one, but a survival tactic nonetheless. 

This also plays into their tendency to be self-martyring. I think Tolvydas is very good at fighting, and all around a really awesome warrior (strong aragorn energy), which makes them think that they need to be the one to save everyone. Hero complex, sort of. This, coupled with their almost maternal care for Latvia and Estonia, makes them feel like they have a sort of weight-of-the-world on their shoulders. Though Estonia and Latvia do look up to them a lot, Tolvydas can sometimes fail to realise that they are also their own people and can fight their own battles. He feels a sort of obligation to protect them due to their shared culture and languages as The Baltic Trio, though it doesn’t go much further than a sense of obligation. They spent most of their youth fighting, to the extent that that’s most of what Tolvydas personally knows as ‘life,’ but they never actually got to know the other two Baltics very well until the modern day. They have to protect, have to be a caregiver, but they don’t actually know super well the things they’re trying to protect. It’s both a sense of obligation to protect as well as the sense that this is all they’re good at and as long as they’re fighting for a morally just cause, that’ll do. 

I think something that would expose this flaw would be when they were first taken over by the Russian Empire in the 1790s, they were pretty miserable about a lot of things- Like the loss of all their territory and the sudden statelessness of their people- but a big one would’ve been the loss of Poland. This isn’t meant to be super shippy, but you know. They were united into one kingdom, and they had been for centuries, so i don’t imagine it was an easy separation. Though this is more up for debate where real people are concerned, these characters were essentially a big part of each other, ya know? Regardless of how much Lithuania actually likes Poland, they’re still a part of each other and that separation will undoubtedly be painful. Anyway, all that is to say that this separation was at the forefront of their mind during the beginning of the 19th century, and they let it sort of prevent them from taking care of the other Baltics. The issue with that is that they still considered themself to be protecting Estonia and Latvia, even though, in reality, nobody was. Also in reality, Lithuania was making themself out to be the worst off, and were generally sort of annoying to be around at this point in time. Their whole woe-is-me attitude wasn’t fun, and they were hypocritical in that they saw themself as being a better friend than they actually were. They still see themself as being a great friend, and though it’s improved in recent years, they’re still sort of. Flighty, i guess, where friendship is concerned. There was also a lot of annoyance by the other baltics about them being so self-martyring- Tolvydas was Ivan’s favorite, after all (that’s not necessarily a good thing, but. He was softer on them in certain ways). Anyway, I guess the big takeaway of this paragraph is that Liet often lets their self perception cloud the way they act in relationships. 

Much of the stuff I’ve mentioned so far is a result of them having quite a lot of PTSD. I think Lithuania’s character tends to be explored through a few common lenses, those being the medieval vibes of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and through being oppressed by the Russian Empire/Soviet Union. Not to say that there’s not a lot of other content about them, but this is what I see most often. I think that all the nations have some form of PTSD, but with Lithuania it’s very pronounced, and it’s made clear that a lot of their tendencies are a result of past trauma- Like the need to take care of others. This is likely originating with their childhood, as they grew up in a very violent environment where their survival was never guaranteed (survivor’s guilt much?) and violence was just the way of things. This is where the need to protect comes from. There used to be several more Baltic nations, though you could argue that now there’s only two- Lithuania and Latvia, as Estonia does not speak a Baltic language and would really like to be considered Nordic. 

Finally, Lithuania is also an interesting character where forgiveness is concerned. I think their sense of morality is very black and white, so some people (Feliks) will be easily forgiven where others (Ivan) will not. In reality, I think it would definitely be valid for Tolvydas to hate both of them, yet they don't- Because they decided that Feliks was a friend and Ivan was not. Both Feliks and Ivan care very deeply about them, but neither treats Tolvydas in a very good way. Of course, I’m aware that the situation in the Russian Empire/USSR and the Commonwealth were very different, but I’m talking about these three dudes and their relationships with each other beyond the lens of politics. Because Feliks tried to be their friend in a way that didn’t hurt them tremendously, and because. Look at them, Feliks isn’t 5’4 and can’t hurt you. They’re not an intimidating person and they’re not incredibly powerful like Ivan is. Though that’s not all of it- Feliks’ feelings for Tolvydas are definitely a purer, more selfless type of love than what Ivan feels for them- it makes it harder for Tolvydas to hold a grudge against them. Whereas for Ivan, their relationship was about control. He needed to control them as a way of expressing how he felt about them. He represents a lot of what Tolvydas fought against in their youth, so of course they hate him. Of course, I don’t think they like holding grudges. They want to be able to care for everyone, because they know that everyone deserves to be treated well and cared for and all that. You can't exactly do that if you hold a grudge against someone, so it actually kind of sucks for them when they see someone they hate suffering. It’s a sort of conflict of interest- The caregiving instincts vs the hatred for this person- and they often don’t know what to do in that situation. Usually they wind up helping but not happy about it. They just don’t want to see others suffer, despite the fact that they dislike this person (Russia is of course the exception. They don’t want to help him at all anymore). 

Relationship with family

So, this is a bit of an interesting topic. I think the Baltics consider themselves family just because of what they’ve been through together, but they’re not actually blood related. Though they share similar cultures, and languages, they’re just not related. Maybe Lithuania and Latvia are cousins, but yeah. Lithuania sees themself as the head of their little family, as they have the oldest surviving European culture and language. They sometimes get in their head about that, and can act like both a mom friend and a mom who is bad at mom-ing. It’s a sort of self appointed thing, and can be really annoying to the other two. They don’t pay the utmost attention to their fellow Baltics, and are more concerned with physical well being than emotional well being, so, despite establishing themself as a caretaker, do not wind up actually caring for the other Baltics in the ways they need to be cared for. 

Fighting style

So, as I’ve mentioned, Lithuania is a talented fighter. They go hard as shit, and can very much kick your ass. I think they prefer to be very technical about how they fight, with something boring like a broadsword as their weapon of choice, but are not afraid to fight dirty. Like rip off an ear with their teeth kind of playing dirty. I think they take fighting very seriously. Though Lithuania as we know it is only about 800 years old, I think Tolvydas is much older. The definition of a nation (a large body of people united by common descent, history, culture, or language, inhabiting a particular country or territory, according to the oxford dictionary) does not require there to be a central governing body, so I think it’s quite possible for Lithuania to be well over 2000. Anyway, all that is to say that they didn’t grow up in medieval times, so by the time they’re like. Achieving dominance in Eastern Europe, they’re already very old and well versed in many different styles of fighting. In the modern day, I think they’ve learned more different fighting styles from other parts of the world, but will always fall back on the way they learned how to fight in ancient times. 

Religion

So as I mentioned earlier, Lithuania is Jewish in my headcanons (orthodox, specifically. I think they're kinda traditional). I have a couple reasons for this- There has been a historical presence of Ashkenazi Jews in Lithuania, going back to the 13th or 14th century, and this is due to certain legal protections granted to Jewish people under pre-Commonwealth law. They were legally on similar footing to the average free people of Lithuania, and were able to create a slightly more prosperous community than Jews in other areas of Europe. This was also affected by the Black Plague of the 1340s. Orthodox Jews tend to put a high value on cleanliness, and often have two sinks in their houses (my childhood home, for example, had two sinks, and i lived in a majority jewish area). They also happened to be concentrated in Eastern Europe, due to the protections. Because of this, Eastern European Jews have some of the highest sruvival rates for the Black Plague and actually brought up the survival rates of the region as a whole- Though this also resulted in some intense antisemitism, as many Christians blamed Jewish people for the plague even happening, due to their higher survival rates. Despite various expulsions  and the loss of legal rights, the Jewish population remained relatively steady up until world war 2. Jewish people made up about 10% of the total population of Lithuania in 1941, and 45% of the total population of Vilnius. (To put this in perspective, the entire world population is only about 0.2% Jewish). Anyway, all this is to say that it’s not out of the question for Lithuania to be Jewish. 

Extras/Fun stuff

Lithuania loves reading, especially the fantasy/fairy tale genre. It makes them nostalgic without the trauma of reading historical fiction. 

They’re also very musically gifted, and can play the piano, bass, ukelele, and flute. 

They wear docs.

They love hot chocolate. 

They remind me of both Aragorn from lotr and Hozier. They’re such a sweet lad. 

Bicon who has like 5 people thirsting for them at a given moment but is either oblivious or not looking for a relationship right now. 

Here are my fics with lithuania as a main character!

My previous character analyses of lithuania (sorry they’re mostly in shipping contexts, rip) and another good analysis someone else did

My playlist for them

and i think thats it! of course i could always talk more about them, but those are my thoughts for now! thank you so much for the ask, i hope i was able to meet your challenge! 

writing requests

[sheena-isa-punkrocker]

Errementari: Sartael/Demons HCs

yoooooooooooo i’m 3 yrs late to this movie but im obsessed and lets do thiiiis~

these are hcs i made about sartael and all other demons in this movie

firstly, the amount of demons in hell are as innumerable as the amount of human souls are in there 

since hell is divided into categories (think dante’s inferno) this means that there are different demons for each punishment 

there are also more..... bureaucratic parts of hell (its a vast place) and there are demons for those jobs too

tbh all the demons know each other

they’ve spent centuries in hell since the dawn of time, everyone knows everyone let the gossip commence

there’s also a hierarchy of demons

like low level demons are basically the run of the mill ones that go out and tempt ppl by making deals but also the ones who execute the punishments 

sartael is a low level demon lol

the bigger demons like alastor are the higher ranking demons, they usually are in a position to tell lower demons what to do and carry out orders from the big man downstairs 

there’s more than one way to enter hell than through the fiery gates and yes some of them u can enter and leave without consequence

now lets get into the demons that tempt humans

to demons, humans have their own scent. one demon can smell a small village from miles away

if a demon spends time with a human, they learn that human’s individual scent

although demons are immortal they CAN feel pain like anyone else

most injuries don’t last long though and heal quickly

however some are permanent (i.e. sartael’s broken horn poor bb)

burns are the fastest to heal tho

since they basically live in the fiery pits of hell, burns are like nothing to them

demons can shapeshift obv since they are supposed to trick humans

however they are not supposed to reveal their true identity until the last moment when they are taking the human’s soul to hell

blessed bells hurt their ears considerably, we know this from the movie

to them it’s a horrible screeching sound that they hear

can’t step foot in a church due to it being holy grounds

blessed items in general make their skin sting 

they have an aversion to images of christ or anything holy related

it’s hard to explain... it doesn’t hurt them necessarily but they have an extreme dislike of it like a biological hate

if you had to label them, on the whole demons are pansexual (can have preferences tho!)

since they are demons, they tend to look down on humans since they are a different species and they don’t understand why they are so fickle about orientation

since its their job to tempt humans, they are not above sleeping with same sex when they are in their human form

they are also confused by women being seen as weaker than men and patriarchy as a whole in many human societies

demons have seen so many human souls, male and female, young and old do horrible things that they don’t consider one gender weaker or stronger than the other, everyone’s shitty

 demons have an innate inclination for causing suffering to humans

this can range from little mischievous antics to the upmost cruel acts

its just within their nature

however they are also capable of experiencing emotions such as love, sadness, anguish, etc

 so yes they can experience real relationships if they want to however who has the time when ur supposed to tempt souls all day?

who wants to befriend a human anyway??

there are some demons who have fled hell to stay in the human world, this is against protocol and other demons are sent to bring them back eventually

okay so that was more about demons than sartael specifically BUT i will be making MORE hcs in the future for this movie stay tuned~

also let me know if u want any specific hcs???

[jeffhane]

dynasty live watching: an incoherent post so that i’m not spoiling people on the twitter tl (i doubt any of this will be chronological or coherent enough to actually contain spoilers but better safe than sorry!)

oh my god the “previously on” - i forgot abt fallon and evan....

Theyre at a FUNERAL??? this was actually predicted but oh my god. if its steven i am going to be so mad. what an unfitting end to the- WAIT WHAT SIX MONTHS? what was that font;;;;:; whes sueiwjwk

copper arch🥵🥵🥵

this is cute. this is cute i like faloon pretty women so true

BYE I FORGOT ABT THIS VASE

fallon is genuinely such a bad person this is so bizarre,,,, i think she needs to calm down about oiterally everything ever

“This wedding is our chance to break the cycle of craziness” babe ur literally the one making the cycle of craziness

w. was that an ikmenn of liam getting his head off

JEFF MY BELOVED HE LOOKS STUNNING IN THAT OUTFIT. WHYS ALEXIS HERW “POWER COUPLE” YOU WERID MANIPULATIVE PERSON GET AWAY FROM HIM LOL

alexis is up to no good. bad bad jpeg. why do they write her dialogue like this

adam is acted so well lmao he’s the most unhinged person to ever exist *screams*

ohhh dominique, i don’t remember much abt her 😭😭😭 this woman she’s with is beautiful

ITS LAGGING????? i cannot Believe tjis

~rebrand~ ok girlboss!!!!!!!!! can we ship this businesswoman i dont recall her name with fallon???? id like that i think

too many plotlines have happened in too many minutes, i’m already forgettint things that have happened... isn’t blake supposed to be in prisoj? no? Ok: sure

adam is constantly doing this expression that is like 👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁👁 HI SAM HI SAM HI SAM BEAUTIFUL MAN I LOVE HIM WHOS THIS MAN

raf is so stunning ughhhh i’m loving the costumes this season, everyone looks great! is this man a sam love interest? nervous? that is kinda cute. i miss stevej though. sadness. so many emotions

UHHHH hi alexis sure ig ur here

~OMENS~ babe that’s a tad dramatic don’t you think?????????? “Ignore the lore at your own peril” alright

WHOS THAT? WHOS THAT? OH HER OK

bye everything is going wrong for this......:..:::... *rubs hands together evilly* that will certainly be entertaining

credit scene!!! such a beautiful cast! where’s anders, oh how i miss him... i miss monica too wasn’t she supposed to be BACK🤔🤔🤔🧐🧐🤨🤨

its a commercial break... havent had to watch the show with these for so long😑😑😑. getting american ads is so funny bc the vast majority of them are Not at all relevant... at all

BACK TO DYNASTY!!!!!! was that a slinky? huh? oh ok that’s why the marriage is happening at the manor. #whenyouonlyhaveoneset oh hi ok monica so shes not going to be here?????😑😔😳

WHY IS SHE GETTING A CAR I FEEL LIKE THATS FORESHAWDOIWIJG FOR UMMMMM.... NOT GOOD THINGS ..... ITS LAGGING AGAIN 🤨

blake having dinner... ok hi cristal,,,,; is the priest subplot back? that was a weird one

adam???? how on earth does adam work his way into everything? NEXT GUEST? HUH? are you cheating on your wife? HI CULHANE! HI!

“straight people are exhausting” i mean yes, objectively, absolutely, but culhane is #notstraight .... idk how i feel about sam and this man. also what? huh? staying here? ok cool ig

OHHHHH he got married i see i see

“Haven’t you milked the carrington cow already” but....... she is literally the person who deserves the stuff..... k......... i don’t like dominique but she was given the short end of the stick also blake stop manipulating people just bc they tell u the truth😶😶😶😶😶😶😶

frustrated that we haven’t seen fallon in any non-wedding related stuff yet i always liked her more ~dramatic~ plots . like she’s a sweetheart but i do want her to evolve beyond thsi. idk if that makes sense. ok bye

“A relative’s happy marriage” uh???? we live in a society😔📈

who is father lynch<3333 oh he is in the hospital that’s not great oh adam upset that’s new /s

y is kirby dressed like an elf. god bless.

ughhhh i just think adam is not good for kirby. he’s not good in general. so true . what is he up to. ads again hhhhhhhhhh💯

omg we are back!!!!! blake wear the suit!! hi liz!!! i’ve seen pictures of this outfit, it looks nice. “I really want things to work out with liam” now that would be great but you’re in a soap opera so the chances of that are .... I DONT EVEN ONOW IF U CAN WEATHER ANYTHING W CRISTAL...)))))!$$ NOT NECESSARILY THE BEET CHOICE????

~technically it wasn’t cancelled~ alright love i feel as though you’re not telling the full truth here. ok his name is ryan . we know that now . cool . this relationship is awkward but it could be sweet

what the Fuck is dominique talking about this is so creepy😭😭😭 please do not market lingerie to ur niece 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 why does no one in this show know how to be polite

“You want me to stake my personal assets” i’m sure this would be meaningful if i knew anything about finance????? WAIT WAIT WIAT WAIT WAIT DHE REHEARING THE SAM DONS G THE SONG ALEXIS DONT INTERRUPT HER SINGING THE SONG🧐😔😔😔🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🥰🥰🤬😤😤😤😤😤😤

~duplicitous sham~ that’s quite a juicy phrase ms fallon. alexis i dislike your marriage. and you in fact. yes x . “We were just like any other newlyweds” except the newlywed factor........:

anders. oh my god i adore him so much. he reminds me of my grandfather . YES adam is dangerous. anders i love you so much. be my grandfather figure. top 10 cool old dudes of all time.

liz is so beautiful how am i suppised to “Focus” on the “storyline” kirby just went 🥰🥰 also hi culhane ily babe

“My father’s convinced adam is pure evil” you see, that is......... trueeeee...........:.::: im sorry culhane ily love

this dialogue unfortunately does not flow all that well LOL . people dont think up things like this on the fly “my love is like that boutineer” sir i guarantee that metaphors r not going to save ur relationship... HI sam. so true. hi ily. samhane? culsam? 😳😳

DONT STEAL ANDERS SPOT OH HI JEFF YOU LOOK STUNNING.......... BEAUTIFUL BOY ....... HI!!!! ~you are the only family you’ve ever needed~ shit none of this wouldve happened if the Carringtons werent so greedy ij the first place

~true love has many faces~ how many anti liam omens can they sneak in into the episode 😭😭😭😭 hi laura whats up

the poor waiters at this establishment...... why does laura look like a rlly young version of my grandma........: huh.... wont think abt it /... alexis bad mom.jpeg

“I don’t want to miss my sons special day” ok bye i don’t #care she’s kind of rude

fallon trying to avoid future drama is confusing to me as that used to be her ENTIRE THING? HUH??? everyones talking to their moms today what the heck do that many people talk to their moms???

jeff hiiiii <333 that maroon suit!!!!! love!!!!!

Dont hurt anders you strange little evil man!!!!!!!!!!! (Adam, for reference)

fallon likes to ~e n u n c i a t e~ her dialogue. Drama Teachers Love Her

FIRBY SCENE! WELL THEY R TALKINF! UWU ! UWU ! smiles:) smiiiiiles:) the height difference i cannot do this😑😊😊😊🕯🕯🕯 BYE

BueirHWIIDWJDIWIFJWIFJWJJFWJFJWJDJWJDJWIFJWJFJWJDKWJDJWDJJWHDWHDHWHEHWHDHWJDJWJRJWJEJWJDJQUEUWJEJWJEJW CRIES SOBS SCREAMS THIS OS SO FUCKING FUNNY

Kirby you dumbass😭😭😭😭😭 ALEXIS WUDIWNDJW JEFF CAN YOU NOT HEF FCANKREMTIWN WHY IS THIS DIALOGUE IM SCREAMIGNRJFJD

kirby babe you are the kist imorjri WHQT? HUH? when all the characters have the maturity of a 13 yr old <33333 DID THE SHOW JUST END?????? OK.... DAMN.... they were really 2 minutes away from the end and remembered that things are supposed to happen in tv show episodes.... i cannot tell whether it os over actually?????? huh??? going to keep watching because it would be so embarrassing if i missed a few minutes oh yeah theres more

IM SORRY WHYBARE THESE PEOPLE SO STUPID. every single one of them. ih my god l. ohhhh my god . “I never meant to hurt you” you cheated on him. both of them are bad people. 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 kirby darling what were you thinking . this dress on kirby is STUNNING ugh, she’s so charming . adam Shut the fuck up. He hasn’t said anything but shut the fuck up. OH MY GOD ADAM SHUT THE FUCK UP. OH MY GOD I HATE ADAM SO MUXH. OH MY GOD HOW IS HE THE WORST PERSON TO EVER LIVE 😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶😶 HES SO EVIL

“I didn’t want to tell you because i didnt want you to think of me as a monster” why did you do that stuff then bro . Kirby you SHOULDNT trust someone after they say that? How naive? Huh ?

omg hello jeffs grandma!!!!! she deserves better than every shitshow in this family... god🤨 dominique being a good person? i like to see that. she seems so genuine. ok this is nice . wait... SAFE? 😳😳😳😳 💴 💵 #money i miss monica

why do they never have sufficient lifhting in WAIT..... HER?????? #dumbofass HI JEFF <33333333 HI you can scam and whatever ur allowed to i support u

ooohhhh GORGEOUS fallon outfit

“Such a fail” IS THIS 2012 . CRINE HEIDJWJFIWNDWJDNWKFJW ENJDJSDJWJNDJWJD they keep saying folklore and im thinking its some sort of reference to the album and i get confused. wheres scheming fallon. need scheming fallon. do a scheme. do it

“We are that lucky couple” press x to doubt .... wait who is this🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 this seems cincerning im cocnentwd why did it zoom in on this random man

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[ac-liveblogs]

This is in reply to a conversation long gone bc Im deep diving ur blog but I dont think Claude isnt close to Byleth. He calls them closer than a friend or teacher. Sure he's not as interesting as Dimitri, but do you really want to romance crazy? In real life? Claude is like the sweet husband and Dimitri is the flaming disaster you watch wheelie down the street each morning. Both good in their own ways for different people. Though I guess Dimitri does get better (a part of me is sad abt that tbh)

When you said Deep Dive I thought you were gonna bring up FT but you DIDN’T so we good, we good- (lmao, I’m still very down to talk about anything 3H)

Sure, Claude CALLS them that, but by the time I reunited with Claude after the 5 year timeskip the fact that he was calling me that was pretty surprising to me. I didn’t think we’d become that close at all.

Basically, you spend most of Academy Phase GD with Claude holding you at arms length because he doesn’t want anyone knowing his secret, and he’s nosing into you at the same time. There’s not a lot of... closeness in text that doesn’t feel in some way distanced because of that. It’s pretty clear Claude wants to use you for something, so when he started acting super EXTRA chummy in War Phase I was surprised, but initially thought it was him trying to ensure we’re still on side. 

But nope, it’s played straight. I was thrown for a loop. I was even a bit surprised by Claude being so sure Byleth would show up again, to the point of being blase about it. The text told me over and over again Claude was a shifty dude that wasn’t necessarily to be trusted, going well out of it’s way to reinforce that without giving me much room to doubt it...  and then it turned out that wasn’t the case so I was left floundering when we went all Power of Friendship (and he turned out to be the Absolute Good 100% Unproblematic Lord to boot).

By comparison, a lot of BL Academy Phase is dedicated to not just Dimitri confiding in you, but Dimitri specifically drawing parallels between you and him and establishing that you share particular commonground (and relating that to the plot). Scenes like Dimitri exploding at you in Lonato’s chapter, awkwardly crushing on you or taking solace in your similar feelings about killing really help sell a deeper, more dynamic relationship early on. 

Because Dimitri’s confided in you about his feelings and past, when he does things like... consoles you after Jeralt’s death or promises to help you avenge him, it feels less token and more “ah, he knows how I feel. He’s got my back.”

This viciously swings around in War Phase when Dimitri uses this stuff as a weapon against you, but that feels like such a betrayal BECAUSE BL meticulously establishes the tone of relationship you and Dimitri have early on.

Claude and Byleth don’t have anything like this. It might be unfair to compare Claude and Dimitri, but Dimitri and Byleth’s relationship is built carefully out of a lot of factors over time. Claude suddenly calling me “friend” felt kind of unearned by the narrative his story was trying to set up. (...I mean, Claude’s character direction in general does, but. you know.)

As for “would I want to romance Dimitri in real life”... lol, no. I don’t want to romance anyone in real life. I just choose my favourite characters, or ones I think have interesting or dynamic relationships with the MC (that’s why in these games, I tend to go for super plot relevant characters, not team members who are Just Kinda There). 

But I don’t think that’s a particularly helpful metric when it comes to deciding who to romance in video games? I mean, this is fantasy. If you play a game doing stuff you’d do in real life, you’d probably be cowering in the corner of a map firmly not moving and trying not to die. 

I think I said once that Claude is safety, a warm couch and a hot pie and cidar next to a roaring fire... and that Dimitri is a burning pile of flaming hot garbage. I stand by that.

but boy, do i love trash

[nid-log]

op i agree on ur opinion on dio but at this point im just really curious in reading ur thesis

ohh, I kinda took my time answering this, I wouldn’t tell this is exactly a thesis, but more of an essay.

Also, I apologize if my grammar is not perfect, I’m not a native english speaker.

The objective from this essay is to debunk the fallacy of “Dio Brando was born evil because Speedwagon said so”. First, I will talk about how Speedwagon isn’t entirely reliable with this accusation; then I will proceed to talk about why Dio wasn’t born evil. With this I’m not saying that Dio isn’t evil, but presenting the conclusion that he wasn’t “born” evil. I will be only using data from the manga, that’s because “Over Heaven” is not canon (I’ve also been reading it, and the actions from young Dio at the manga contradict Over Heaven, so I won’t use it), and the knowledge I have due to my father, who is a psycologist (I’ve been asking him a ton of questions related to Dio’s behaviour and possible diagnosis); and finally, I will compare the parallels between Dio and Diego’s childhood and behaviour, you may not see this as an esscential part of the essay, but I consider it pretty interesting.

And so, let’s dig in.

Speedwagon’s Judgement

It is very possible that the tension of the moment made Speedwagon say the (in)famous line of “You’ve been evil since your birth!” only as a metaphorical phrase, or to give empahsis to the evil that is Dio now.

But as can be, some fans took that statement literally, giving Speedwagon some sort of supernatural power that made everything he said the absolute truth. And that’s just not objectively truth. I argument this statement with this:

Speedwagon said: “I can tell a good person from a bad person just by his smell!”

But he decided to take Straizo with him to Mexico and show him some important and dangerous (in the wrong hands) discoveries, and couldn’t tell that Straizo was planning to kill the whole crue, including him. What happened to his marvellous sense of smell then? or if your argument is that he couldn’t tell because he trusted him or because he was too old for his magical nose to work, have this in mind: Why didn’t he noticed the admiration Straizo felt for Dio, even in Phantom Blood? 

He even admitted it.

Secondly, if Speedwagon actually said his accusation with a serious, almost literal tone, I have to say that his jugdgement is not exactly the best. Every person judges other people and their realities through the lenses of their own life. Speedwagon said that he had the same bad influences that Dio had in his life, and so, his logic made him think that the fact that Dio was more evil than him was because he must had been rotten from birth, right? 

No. 

Two relatively nice people living in the same eviroment can have entirely different outcomes. The proof of that is society itself. Speedwagon may had been abused to some degree, but Araki decided to keep that to our imagination. Instead, we do get to peek a little at Dio’s not so early childhood. And it’s awful, but I’ll talk about the details later. But we can confirm that Dio was certainly abused by his father in a systematic way. 

But before digging into how Dio was corrupted, I will conclude the part that involves Speedwagon. First, his “smell” for bad people is flawed. Second, he assuming to know for sure the origin of Dio’s evil withouth knowing the entire context is not emphatic at all. Instead, it would be actually very harmful if people would be judged like that in real life due to the lack of objectiveness.

Dio Brando’s Childhood

And now we get to talk about Dio, specifically, about Dio’s childhood and the way he was raised.

There are two possible diagnoses: Dio is a primary psycopath or a secondary psycopath. A primary psycopath is someone that is born without the capability of feeling empathy. A secondary psycopath is someone that is born as a normal person with a healthy mind, but is turned into a psycopath due to constant abuse, trauma, and/or a toxic childhood. Let’s have in mind that a psycopath can develop emotional attachment, so both cases would work, because in both cases Dio would love his mother to a certain degree.

If Dio was born a primary psycopath, he could’ve developed some type of attachment to his mother, and that is shown by the time he actually cried of anger when Dario forced him to sell her dress.

When a primary psycopath is born, the person is usually highly functional. Of course, they have a hard time making friendships an so. Psycopaths tend to choose jobs that can let them be as unemphatic as they naturally are, but also with doing some good to society, like as a detective. With this I’m saying that a psycopath is not necessarily evil by default. But if they live in a scarring eviroment, they could end up as cold hearted criminals. But of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.

But if Dio was instead born as a normal child, and then turned into a secondary psycopath, it wouldn’t surprise me. Personally, I believe this is the case, but this idea will be more developed at the comparison with his SBR counterpart. As I said before, one can be turned into a psycopath when having a trauma, a toxic childhood and/or from living under constant abuse. It is well seen that Dario made at least Dio live under two of these conditions.

The last panel especially hurts me, Dio’s posture is jarring, full of fear and covering his body instinctively to protect himself. I can imagine him being used to it, which makes me very sad. 

Dio was so fed up with his abusive father that he decided to murder him. And getting off that abusive home left him with a scar in his mental health forever. Victims of abuse have lost the ability to trust, and they sometimes can become psycopaths if the conditions are the appropriate. Of course, Dio left that home with a huge trauma and many issues, leading him to take some bad decisions and him becoming one of the most iconic villains from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure.

Dio vs Diego

One of my main reasons of why I believe that Dio is a secondary psycopath, is because of what we see of Diego’s childhood. This part of the essay is not to be taken so seriously, because we never know with alternate universes.

Diego was a very sweet and emphatic boy. He loved his mother, and when reading the pages, you can see the innocence he has. He wanted to make his mother happy. Even if that meant that he wouldn’t eat by the sake of her, but of course, she always put herself after his child.

Diego didn’t grow up with his father by his side, a thing that I believe made him less harmful than the original Dio. We still know that he suffered from abuse by the people living in the place his mother kept him, but this time it wasn’t as direct as the one Dio suffered in his early years. But he also was left alone at an earlier age.

He then decided to take his revenge on the rich people that humiliated him, and also his father, even though he never got to meet him at that age. Dio also wanted to have power due to similar reasons, but they both had different outcomes. Diego was also lacking in empathy, but his case was less severe than Dio’s, and I think that the main reason of that, is their level of abuse in their respective childhoods.

And so, my essay ends here, concluding with the statement that Dio wasn’t born evil, but he was turned evil because of a toxic and abusive childhood, especially because of his father’s influence.

[sparatus]

Idk if it’s just my hellbrain but even tho I super want to get into stuff like...OTHER than shakarian because tho I love it with my heart n soul I’m getting bored? it makes me? So sad? I don’t want to grow bored of something I love Like just being able to read some like oc related stuff or other ships or whatever seems cool and all until I get to the point of trying to start and then I just-can’t. what bits of your ocs I’ve seen seem super cool but I just can’t seem to FOCUS enough to learn more

honestly my friend i 100% feel you on that..... like people will rec me fics for other ships, or i’ll want to get into other people’s ocs that i don’t already know about, but then i just...... don’t. it’s effort and it’s hard and it’s easier to stay in my little corner doing the grown-up equivalent of smashing barbie dolls’ faces together and declaring them married.

and i also feel u on getting bored of shakarian and being distressed over it, i’ve mentioned it before (like.... a lot) that the fans were a big portion of why i started losing interest but there’s also just that. y’know. if you consume a lot of one thing for a while eventually the brain starts wanting something new, even if it doesn’t necessarily want to seek out that something new cause it’s a brain and brains are stupid like that. shakarian will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart, it just barely ekes out past kryterius for the title of the m.e. ship i’ve had the longest, it’s definitely the romance i’ve played through the most (though those sheps have now been lost forever because they were on my brother’s xbox, sadface), but i just..... got bored. the saturation of it in fandom definitely doesn’t help, either, eventually you start getting tired of seeing the same thing over and over with no variety.

tbh my best advice if you really want to get into new ships or ocs is to use the im system. looking at art is fun, but fic takes energy to read, and asks can take a while to be responded to (i mean.... this blog alone has 109 unanswered asks....... oops), so im’s are an easy way to get quicker responses, and usually the responses will also be shorter and in more manageable bites. i’m chatty as hell answering asks and making text posts but the longest im i’ll send is maybe..... 5 sentences??? much easier to hold a conversation

i wish u luck in ur endeavors my friend, and i hope the shakarian boredom stays at least tolerably small for a while :(

[lampties]

Very long nonsense dribble about self emotions/feelings and reality??

Im Always second guessing my own thoughts and wondering if my feelings are real or not. Most times I feel like I don't even know who I really am and if what plp see are real and authentic or not. I feel like the only real emotion I feel and is real is sadness so that's cute.

I.e. .. I've always experienced love in a completely one sided way to which I feel my whole being aches but I love them so violently I am so engulfed in constant negative emotions that ruin my own mental stability and general life.

And now being w someone who says they love me w every part of tbemself and I say I do too, but I don't necessarily feel anything in particular. I feel like I just say most things. Like going thru the motions. I'm glad they're my best friend and accept me for how and who I am even tho I don't understand that. But I only feel like I actually love them when I cry when there leaving or smth along those lines which make me feel very ? Manipulative I guess and makes me wonder if I only feel love thru sadness or just secretly hate being alobe and i dont know it ? Tho i actually like being alone so idk if that makes sense

Earlier last year I was seeing a guy who made me feel butterflies for a minute every so often when we would talk or go on dates and it was the first time I'd had that feeling. Anyway I'm wondering if that was just bc we were both just so new and it was exciting or smth.? I really feel like I don't understand love at all and its so. So frustrating bc all I can think about is if I'm actually in love or just sticking around d bc they're my bff idk

To be fair, I've always spent my whole life dreaming about being in a relasktionship but always knew I was ugly and bad. Eventually I decided to learn to love myself In a way where I'm not desperately searching out others to make me feel ok. And now I'm content and the 'happiest' I've ever been in my whole evntire life.. I feel so much more at peace, rather. Content.the literal hours I'd spent crying are now just me zoning out, really just over thinking or literally thinking of nothing .

Anyway, this is getting way too long and I hardly cone on here anymore so I guess I feel kinda ok w posting it here bc compared to sites like twitter now I feel this place Is a lot more dead so I'm oddly ok w airing my dirty laundry lmao

If anyone actually read all this and actually know sometime of answer or relates/related in anyway...hmu?? I think I'd really like to understand these feelings more and if I'm just weird or if other plp are this way and how do plp feel when they're actually in love? And I don't just mean the beginning lovely honeymoon part. How do u feel years into it ? Do u still feel good feelings all the time ? Or is it just in little moments.like when ur going to sleep or on a date ? Or is there stereotype true about married couples being the most boring people on earth who are only together c they've been together so long ? Anyway again if uve read all this. Thx. Take it easy. ✌

[mxnark]

the best version of yourself 

december 31, 2019

mina isn’t the type to feel ashamed of herself. everyone around her new that she was confident and outspoken. whatever she thought of inside her head, there would be a 59% chance she’d say it with a 41% chance she’d keep it to herself just because she had some manners. of course, she had some class by making a bunch of rant posts on her spam rather than on her main instagram or main twitter. some of her thoughts on real life would go on her stan twitter, but she’s tried her best to keep that mainly kpop and movies. but, to be honest, she wouldn’t have made a spam had it not been for her mutuals and her friends in real life. 

this time, however, she felt emotions that she was afraid to tell anyone else. 

she usually watched the gayos on her own, since she was the only one in the house who had an interest in them because her favorite idols were on that show. however, the one she always kept an eye on was mbc’s gayo daejejun because of the amazing stages that the idols would perform. not to mention, it was the gayo with the countdown to the new year. however, this time, she debated if she even wanted to watch it considering that this was the same exact one that she made a video audition for, only to not get in. 

when she saw the post on mbc’s page, she was disappointed, but not surprised. it was bold of her to assume she would ever get the chance compared to the other dancers. when she watched the other entries, she was already beginning to feel insecure. but seeing the announcement only supported her negative feelings. however, one name catches her eye and it’s the main reason why she watches the music show tonight. 

chungha isn’t the only reason why she’s watching this, but she’s the one mina looks forward to seeing the most. it’s weird how almost two years ago, mina became a fan from watching her on the fourth season of the mgas. now, she was watching her as not only a fan, but a friend. it’s only a glow up she can talk about on her spam, but she’s able to use her excitement for her tweets while streaming. 

she makes sure to tweet about her favorite idols and their performances before the awaited dance performance comes. when it begins, she quickly takes out her phone as she patiently waits for her friend to be shown on her screen. she manages to record the 30 seconds of chungha’s dance on her instagram story while whisper-screaming throughout all of it. “ahh!!! kim chungha is so cool!!!! she’s the coolest unnie ever!!!” and a bunch of “wow!”’s and “so cool!”’s. for the group performance, she kept all her excitement on her twitter with a few pictures saved for her spam later on. 

it’s odd. before watching this, she thought she was going to feel an overwhelming amount of jealousy just by seeing chungha for a second. but after the performance ended, she couldn’t help but feel inspired. perhaps it was because of the fact that this wasn’t the first time she’s seen chungha on national television, but mina didn’t feel too upset like she thought she would. what a relief. 

she posts the pictures on her spamsta (spam + finsta) once the countdown for the new year is finished and captions it with her thoughts. after she posted it, she locked her phone, turned off her tv, and went upstairs to go to bed, excited for what was to come in the future. 

notokmina: do you see her??/ that’s the coolest bitch in the world !!!! ever !!!!!

watching her tonight gave me so much motivation tbh. i remember i used to be so… starstruck by her when i first saw her on mga4 and now i know her in real life and we’re friends !!!! i’m so glad she got to audition for this and perform onstage in front of a bunch of idols. she’s so cool!!!! 

i’m gonna work hard with future covers so that i can hopefully be dancing on that same stage!!!!!!!!! it’d be cooler if it was w her!!!! but yeah. hopefully if i work hard enough, i can be on the stage like her (and my cousin and brother if theyre reading this who knows) 

she leaves a comment under her post. 

notokmina: unnie, if ur reading this, hi!!! very proud of u uwu 

… 

january 2nd, 2020

having been on stan twitter since she moved back to korea, she’s gotten to explore the many sides of the website. though she’s primarily a kpop fan account, she also keeps tabs on film twitter. it’s to the point where she even has mutuals who are apart of that community and she frequently talks to them about her favorite movies (recently, it’s been about it 2 because she loves her best boys richie and eddie). so of course, when she asked for movie recommendations on her account, she hoped that said mutuals would see it and give their insight. 

though there were many suggestions, she chose lady bird by the end of it. she knew about the movie years ago, but she never really got around to watching it until now. she’s read mixed reviews, so she was never really able to form a solid opinion on this movie. she told herself not to expect much, since this was a coming-of-age film. but, by the end of it, she found herself in tears. she goes on twitter and writes up a tweet as a response to the movie. 

michi @noplayboy_mp3: film oomfs is it weird to say that i kin w lady bird lol  michi @noplayboy_mp3: no but the film is so good i dont want to drop any spoilers but lady bird is like… so relatable? esp bc im kind of in her situation now.  michi @noplayboy_mp3: icb greta gerwig said “michi has rights”... perhaps i will watch little women when i get the chance

before she’s about to make a tweet about watching midsommar next, she hears her phone vibrate. putting her laptop to the side, she picks up her phone and sees an email from snu. 

dear mina, 

the admissions committee at seoul national university has re-reviewed all aspects of your application in its holistic review process, and you have an updated admissions decision. you may now view your updated admissions decision in your portal.

she gasps. 

as she clicks on the link to her portal and logs in, she was immediately welcomed by the site with a big “CONGRATULATIONS!” and if that wasn’t already obvious enough for her, she looks around to find the little “status: accepted” on her page. she sighs in relief and puts her phone to the side as she lies on her bed. she’s not necessarily excited that she got into a school. even now, she was still questioning if she wanted to go to school to begin with. all she knew was that at this point, she was going somewhere. whether or not this is what she really wanted to do, she at least has an idea of where she’s starting. 

maybe now her mom would stop badgering her. maybe now she can show her that she could do things without her. 

…

“i got accepted into snu today.”

it’s used to start discussion, even though she didn’t really want to talk about it with her. it had to come out somehow because even if she was nervous with how she was going to reply, at least her mom would be aware of it. 

her father was the first to say something about it and mina wants to verbally thank him for speaking before her mom does. “honey, congratulations! i knew you would be able to get into that school.” 

“thank you,” mina says with a small smile before she looks over at her mom to see what she will respond with because it was obvious she had something to say about it. 

“why did it take so long for a response?” she asks. “you applied for early decision, didn’t you?” 

it takes a lot for mina to not say something snarky in response. she’s not going to do that now. not so soon. “well, competition’s pretty tough. a lot of kids are applying for snu. especially in my class.” she wasn’t exactly lying, but it was a better response than “i was waitlisted for a month.” and even if she responded with that, at least she got into the school. wasn’t that enough? 

her mom lets out a small “hm” before eating more of their dinner. “well, good job on getting into that school. with how long the response took, i was starting to worry.” 

mina frowns. “i got into other schools, you know.” 

“but did you want to get into any of those other schools?” when mina’s silent for a response, her mother only continues. “you said that you were aiming for snu and it took long enough in order to get a response.” 

“can’t you just be happy over the fact that i actually got into the school?” mina asks, feeling her voice rise. “i thought you would be proud of me. is it that much of a surprise that i got in?” 

“all of your friends got accepted into their schools quicker.” mina feels her grip tighten on the chopsticks in her hands. “all i’m saying is you should’ve at least tried harder or at least recognize that you should’ve done better.” 

mina finds it hard to calm down after hearing that. it’s not like she didn’t expect a response like that, but to actually hear it from her makes her laugh bitterly. it’s sad to say she’s not surprised because this was what their relationship is at this point. even if she told herself that she just wanted to get into school in order to get her mom off her back, her words only make it seem like she was mocking her even if she reached at least the minimum. it made mina wish her mother lowered her expectations or at least make her own higher. 

she eats her food in a hurry, hoping to get out of this dinner as soon as possible. of course, her mother has an issue with it as she glared at her from across the table. “slow down. you look like an animal eating like that.” 

mina ignores her and she manages to empty her bowl, still trying to bite and swallow the leftover food in her mouth. she quickly stands up from her chair, puts her bowl and utensils in the sink, and runs upstairs, swallowing the last bit of her food down. she closes her door behind her even if she knows her mother was going to go up to her room anyways. when she hears the door open, she rolls her eyes before she turns to her mom. 

“can you knock?” the impatient tone was one she’s used frequently enough. whether or not she was proud of it, she kept that information to herself. 

her mother’s not afraid of it, though. in fact, if anything, she’s probably a professional at dealing with it. “you’re one to talk about manners,” she scolds. “what is with you?! at least try to stay for the entire dinner and not make it seem like you don’t like my company.” 

“why would i do that?” mina scoffs. “you’d yell at me for faking it, anyway.” 

her mom sighs. “why are you so selfish? why do you keep on doing this? do you understand how uncomfortable your father feels whenever we fight? how uncomfortable i feel?!” 

“i’m sorry for being upset over you not being a good mom,” she responds, crossing her arms as if to do the bare minimum of making fun of the woman in front of her who would do the same in their past arguments. “i got into a good school and all you can say is ‘i’m surprised they didn’t reject you straight up’? no ‘congratulations’ or ‘i’m happy you got into the school you wanted to get into’? shouldn’t you at least be glad over the fact that i’m going-” 

“how am i going to explain to the family that it took a few months for my daughter to tell me she got into snu after a few months since she applied?” her mom interrupts her, angering mina even more. “it didn’t take long for jaebeom to get his letter of acceptance. it didn’t take daniel long for him to know if he got in. do you know what they’ll say when i tell them you got accepted after countless times of me saying ‘oh i don’t know yet’, ‘she hasn’t received anything yet’? they’ll think i’m raising-” 

“what? an idiot?” mina laughs. “yeah. i’m sure everyone in the family’s already aware of the fact that i’m never going to be a lawyer living in america. at least i got into a school.” 

her mother then points at mina and she has to hold the urge to not swat the hand away from her face. “look at you! you’re already making yourself sound bad by acting like it’s a miracle they accepted you in the first place!” she criticizes. “you’re supposed to go to school. you’re supposed to get a degree in order to get a good job somewhere. after all your father and i’ve done for you and your brothers, why are you the only one who treats this like it’s not a big deal?!” 

“i am treating this like it’s a big deal!” mina asserts. “do you know how many nights i spent studying for tests that i knew i was going to fail? all the times i had to stay after school in order to make sure it wouldn’t affect my chances?! i worked so hard in the last few months to be accepted and i’m the only one in this room proud of myself for it! it’s like you’re actively trying to find reasons to be disappointed in me, even when i do something good!”

“maybe you should be trying to not constantly disappoint me, then.” her mother turns her back to her daughter and makes way for the door, but mina mutters something else that makes her stop in her steps.

“the one time i do something that i thought could impress you and you’re still disappointed in me.”

her mother doesn’t respond. all she does is stand for a moment before she leaves, not even bothering to close the door behind her. 

[washiboy]

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. I. AM. BEING. FULLY. SERIOUS.

Shoot

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?Yes, a lot lmao… zoinks scoob. 2.When did your last hug take place?Uh… I actually dont remember lmao… Maybe my mom when she came home or something i am hug starved tbh yikes 3.Are you a jealous person?Yeah… But i’m capable of keeping my mouth shut most of the time and just wanting people to be happy over my jealousy 4.Are you tired right now?Yeah, a little!!! But i’m all good tbh. 5.Do you chew on your straws?Uhhhhhh i try not to if they’re the ones u keep but if they’re like fastfood ones that u throw away probably tbh lmao 6.Have you ever been called a tease?Hm. i dunno… 7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Nah, i dont think so.8.Do you cry easily?It depends… what it is i guess? I think i need an emotional attachment to be able to cry at something or it has to be something i  relate to. I can recognize something in a super realistic movie is bad/sad but it doesnt really effect me emotionally… but i cry a lot over cartoons and characters i relate to because ive seen them over so much time? is that bad? uh…9.What should you be doing right now?something with you10.Are you a heavy sleeper?Yeah, i’d say so. But if someone comes into my room i wake up straight away,11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?Yeah. I’ve only had 2 big ones and both were a lot over that so… 12.Are you mad at someone right now?Myself?13.Do you believe in love?Yeah. I love love. lmao14.What makes you laugh no matter what?You, and dank memes 15.Who was the last person you talked to?You! 16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?Yeah, but i also feel really calm and comfortable at the same time.17.Will you get married?I think that it’s a nice thing but its not something that i necessarily strive for in life? Like u can have a partner for life and you dont have to get married if u dont want to. You can do what you want, if what society wants doesnt suit you. 18.When was the last time you smiled?UM abt 10 mins ago (at 22:00)19.Does anyone like you?Yeah, i’m mostly sure at least LMFAO a lot of the time i have no idea why tho like…20.Do you secretly like someone?Secretly? no.21.Who was the first person you talked to today?My little brother, i have to get him ready for school in the morning lmao.22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?You, Bil, or jo.23.What are you NOT looking forward to?Uh… anything academic in the future… I know its stuff i enjoy but its terrifying… 24.What ARE you looking forward to?Death stranding, sherlock season 5, Doctor who in april, YOI this year, going to an aquarium, my academic career to be finished, seeing you on tuesday25.Has someone of the opposite gender ever told you they loved you, and meant it?Probably. Not sure how to answer this bc of being trans kinda lmfao. Whatever26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?I’m happy for her now.27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?No.28.Are you a forgiving person?Depends on the person. If i genuinely care about you, yeah. If you do something ungodly, then no.29.How many TRUE friends do you have?3.30.Do you fall for people easily?Kinda… I get crushes on a lot of people but i think i only fall for someone when i connect w them… and i tend to fall hard…. yikes 31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?Uh, no? lmao32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?LMAO hot chocolate 33.Who was the last person you drove with?You probably lmao!!!34.How late did you stay up last night and why?UM about 10.30 maybe because i’m ill and tired but i was watching brooklyn and wanted to finish the episode lmao.35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?Not right now… but eventually yes. Absolutely 36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?UM… OH bil today ahahaha on sc i deleted it tho pfff37.Can you live a day without TV?Yeah lmfao…38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?Ugh when the sherlock times changed and i realized i wouldnt be able to go see it.39.Three names you go by…Sam/Samuel/Sammy lmfao40.Are you currently in a relationship?No!!! I wish wtf 41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?TREASURE PLANET 42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?Yeah!! But i dont think you have one necessarily… some people do, some people have multiple throughout their lives or at the same time. 43.What’s your current problem?being sick and not with u 44.Have you ever had your heart broken?Yeah, but not in the traditional ways probably 45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships?They dont work unless the end goal is to move in together, and soon… They require a huge amount of trust and work and are stressful probably.46.How many kids do you want to have?Like 7 dogs, a few cats. Birds, snakes, ferrets…47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?Ugh…it depends? Im not that great at initiating things but i can tell someone if i think i have a chance… depends how im feeling generally too. 

THANKS FOR ASKING ME SO MANY LMAO WTF UR THE BOMB.COM !!!!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖

[sansxarias]

i think im always incredibly baffled by people being nice and patien with me because im definitely not nice and patient with myself. so im just ?? in my head constantly like ??

"how does anybody have the mental capacity to tolerate me?"

"how are they not fed up with me sitting here breathing and existing?? b/c i def am"

"holy shit im such a fucking idiot. everything i do is wrong, why do i even bother trying"

like i know im supposed to practice self-compassion because its so obviously what i need, and i know late last year, my problem was that the self-compassion just sounded so fake like i was trying to hard to feel better. i just found it much easier to be angry and frustrated with myself because i guess i thought feeling disappointed in myself would make me motivated to do better next time. now look who has an unhealthty relationship with herself in her own head. this is what i mean when i say i really did it to myself.

actually thats not what i mean, but i recently started reading an undertale fanfic and stretch is having conflicted feelings that nobody understands because he was raised differently: privleged, and everyone thinks when it comes down to a difficult situation, it makes him incredibly naive, entitled, and righteous, even though he cant help feeling the way he does b/c its all that he's ever known. its such an interesting perspective studying his character from so many different points of views. (i mean that's also my problem: considering smth simple from so many povs that it just doesnt make sense anymore and the actions i take dont even represent what i beleive in, only what i guess would be best overall. i cant put it into words but whatever) ANYWAYS i dont like conflict, i really hate it. and i hate how his character development is causing this conflict in the story, but then i realize that im also stretch who is privledged and naive and makes problems out of small situations and is just being overall difficult in everones eyes. ok, maybe not necessarily the case, but i fucking forgot my point OF THIS COMPARISON

i read up to remember the point, WHICH WAS that i think i used to like to indulge in the feeling of being sad, because i never really experienced it, but maybe i did it a little too much (yenno sit in ur own thoughts and hurt ur own feelings), and now im like oh oh i manifested this destiny and now im actually sad and theres no reason for it. i guess it doesnt really relate to stretch, but i hate his character, he hates himself, and i also hate myself, so i guess there it is

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 7 "We're Just A Group Of Happy Campers" - Dom

Is it bad that the reason I love this challenge is because of seeing the suffering its making people go through.......why am i a hero again

Why is it final 20 but I feel like I've nearly made jury? hmmm? Anyways...I feel good with how I've played up to this point. Being 1 of 3 villains to never receive a vote certainly feels good.....but I still know I have eyes on me since I haven't exactly been SUPER subtle??? Granted, I totally thought they were going to blindside me in the Linus vote given my shady business in the Alex vote (I mean....I can't deny it, I was def shady) but they didn't! Although I would feel much better if I could somehow snag an idol....but I'm not sure how anyone could get one without an idol clue (that was likely received by pure luck...) so for now, I kinda just have to be vulnerable to a successful idol play by someone that hates me (aka Richie) But if Richie were smart, he'd be coming to people besides Tommy/Kage to rally votes against Kage (or maybe Junior?), but he hasn't yet, which makes me believe that either A) There's a group that doesn't have me in it B) Tommy has Richie controlled C) Richie just isn't smart Cuz right now, the only people I'd consider voting are Richie, Kage, and Junior.... here's to hoping I either master Japanese and scam this immunity or survive one last vote before the swap! VL Confessional: I used to think I was pitied upon for my flop of a social game but hey maybe I have one??? or not. i cant tell if these people just tolerate me or like me or are using me. fuck all of 'em. who knew a hero could survive on the villains tribe for so long???

So it turns out both tribes are going to tribal, which means I actually have to start thinking about who to vote for........... LMAO JK I'VE BEEN PLANNING THE NEXT FOUR PEOPLE TO BE VOTING OUT OF OUR TRIBE SINCE WE FIRST VOTED OUT MIST! Ruthie, it's your turn sweetheart. After ranking all of the people I want out of the game, you're significantly the most dangerous because you play UTR, and you make it super deep every time, and you killed All Stars from what I was told (until you got targeted for being TOO GOOD once it came to merge). You're not someone I can just think about working with because I'm afraid you're going to beat me in so many aspects. It's just a respect thing, no hard feelings hopefully considering you seem like a really stand up girl. I think it's about that time I message you with the "well.... time to go to tribal" message :/

So yea.... Ruthie is starting to spread like wildfire and already I've planted the seed in Drew, Andrew, Pippa and Steffen, and all of them are spreading that around QUICK. Drew and I got added to a bros alliance with Trace, Ashton, Steffen and Dom, which I wanted to happen anyways. Not necessarily with Drew, but Drew being in it is actually perfect because Drew is in my other alliance with Kendall, Alex, Pippa, Isaac, Andrew, which means the ONLY person not in either alliance chat was Ruthie, which made it really easy to rationalize with Drew as to why we needed to take that route. Also, making an easy vote this round, considering there's massive potential for a tribe swap next round, we don't want ANY split votes. We need to show that the heroes are one unit for now. The only downside I can see with this is if I get swapped onto a tribe with minority heroes, and the Villains would want to break up our cohesive team. The only thing I know is that if I go to tribal, I've got at least a second lease on life in this game because I have that idol with Steffen, so after finding the idol, I'm not too worried about swaps anymore because I know there's a very good chance I'll make it out of the swap alive. The swap is going to be where I start making bonds with Villains I've yet to interact and play with; like Junior, Richie, Jonathan, Brian, etc. Players, who I want relationships with, but don't have yet because we're on opposite tribes. This swap is going to be interesting, and I'm really excited to see it play out if we get the chance, and if we don't get the chance, it'll probably be Kendall or Alex C. going home next tribal council because that's what I want to happen, which means it's likely to come true. I honestly don't understand how people don't see that the name I want, I get....... tbh I'm pretty sure Andrew might be onto the fact that I wanted Ruthie gone, when Andrew wanted Kendall or Drew, and all of a sudden people going for Ruthie, it seems that it could easily be traced back to me, but I doubt it. I think i'm good for now, and I hope Andrew knows that he can trust me. Another thing I really need to work on is my long term relationships with Pippa and Isaac because I really haven't had as many conversations with them, but I hope that they both know that it'll be really hard for me to turn on them because they're so nice and also not the STRONGEST of players, which makes for a great goat late game. I'm not sure, but I'm just taking it one step at a time for right now, and if I make it past this one, I'm in the final 18, which actually seems like a big accomplishment just due to the fact that so many fucking people have gone home already, so pat on the back to me, but I'm not even close to my goal yet. 

uh tommy is fucking hard to deal with because he seems so easily persuaded ...its sad anyways alex and ...linus (rip holy fuck) are gone...i wish richie went when linus did but if i have to sacrifice linus to get to swap then like..so fucking be it. so the tru hunties ( me, crow, jon and tommy) are now in a beautiful spot because the vote is looking to be richie or brian so obv we have majority now tommy wants other things so i just need to give him a lot of attention. TBH I love that boy so much but i can see why andreas says were similar.. because were both crazy and def on the villains for a reason. But im glad hes crazy loyal bc im loyal af to him <3 <3 <3 it seems like either ruthie or someone else is going on the heroes but kendall aka my gf told me shes in a majority alliance with isaac, her, drew, alex, andrew and pippa so i mean like ...GET IT. they will prob save ruthie?!?! because she seems to be like off limits always ANYWAYS BRIAN IS ANNOYING AND IM TIRED OF CROW LOVING HIM BUT IM TRYING NOT TO BE APPARENT ABOUT IT BRIAN IS IN CONSTANT ...annoying mode it seems like..hes such a snake he basically sells anyone out to get further and i mean like theres a difference between doing it to someone who ur not loyal to and who is not loyal to u but crow and i are loyal af to him (at least they think im loyal to them?) jeejejjejeje anyways i want richie gone but if richie has an idol?? then like...i mean idrc because i know i have one so im good hehehehehohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoh I GUESS that was my evil laugh dklfhjdskjfh

hi im secretly fluent in Japanese.

lol why do i always talk to people before they get voted out just in case they dont ... brian(but pat went instead) ash alex linus and now richie i feel like a bitch but ive been honest with them -but lowkey i feel like this is saving my ass in case they stay so they think im gr8 hehehehohoh plspls swap us soon also kendall is so oblivious about johnny she was like omg keep johnny safe like btich hes talking to all the villains and the boys on my tribes are attention whores so they will love him soon enuf...hes cute and his social game is on fleek so i need to watch out for him heheheoehoh

So, I just wanna point out that yesterday Drew told me he wanted to get Ruthie out. So of course I was the one to bring it up to the group so that if it comes down to it I can say that I helped push it towards Ruthie. I trust the group but lowkey if I get out I won't be shocked? But once this vote happens, especially if it happens the way I think it will, then I can have a lot more faith in the group I'm with.

https://youtu.be/wjK-9yevt_w

Me: jonathan told me that jr told him he only trusts jonathan LOL 🐦 Crow Jones 🐦: jr is literally such a garden snake 🐦 Crow Jones 🐦: like a real snake would at least do it better crow is so gr8 i love him..he still savage and will prob win over me but i still love him 

So Linus died last round for no reason other than he was on the outs.  But like challenge strength kiddies !!! And now they're targetting Richie to stay united right before a swap.  Like.. get Kage or Junior or Tommy out thnx.  They're the most toxic to villains unity and WHEN I get fucked by them non-sexually, I will be choking myself.

ALSO, I miss Jaiden so much.  These people are kinda lame-os.  I like them as people, but like 👀

Phew, I'm glad to have immunity. But beyond that, I'm really realizing that I cannot relate to most of these people. They don't show their true colors and it's annoying af. You wanna know what Crow is thinking? Ask Crow. like caw-caw bitch I'll tell ya! Richie is going cuz he decided to throw my name in the mud. nuh uh. that dont fly with me. since it's been a while, i need to do my weekly tribal roast Junior - Like I told Sarah, he's a garden snake. It's like the one you kinda feel bad for just squirming along in your front yard acting like some mean 'ole cobra. Not subtle or good at playing the snake, next. Tommy - Literally has the same convos with nearly everyone. His social game is that of a robot and it's definitely apparent now that I'm playing with him again. I just hope these other fools don't fall for it too. Kage - I don't know how he's still here cuz everyone he's made an alliance with has gone home (besides Tommy but Tommy's aligned with everyone). That's why I'm keeping my distance. Richie - We went our separate ways. He actually seemed chill until he blew up before the Alex vote. Hopefully his 14 seconds of fame was worth it! Brian - love this boi. I can relate to him a TON but idk how he seems to always do well in ts....if it weren't for people like Sarah and I, he could have easily been 25th this season I think? Maybe he's a mastermind idk, but I haven't figured him out yet as a player.. Jonathan - I love his realness, which is why I stuck by him when his name was thrown out and when I had to pick an alliance. He probably doesn't trust me for shit, but he's been a good asset to my game, particularly this round. Sarah - I wouldn't say she's my ride-or-die per se cuz I know she's werking her social game with a lot of people, but we've been in every alliance together so far, so strategically, I see us going far together until we are separated. But I also know she's a villain. I'm a villain. Villains don't work together loyally 5ever!!

BRIAN IM SORRY YOU DONT DESERVE THIS!!!! Ugh I hate everything. Last night junior came to me with a plan to save me and I'm like cool and whatever keeps me here idgaf I'm in self preservation mode. Junior says Jonathan is super connected in the tribe and I'm like ya true and goes on this long spiel about it and I just wanted him to get to the point but finally he was like I think Brian would be the easiest vote. And ughhh I really like Brian and he's been the most on my side since the beginning out of the people left. Like literally everyone that I have any game connection with leaves. Ashley Jaiden Alex Linus and now Brian it's enough I'm so over it if he leaves and we don't swap and lose I'm FUCKED. BUT IM ALSO FUCKED RN. So Brian leaving is bad for me moving forward the alternative is that I leave and there is no moving forward so like..... It's not much of a choice there's no way I can flip this game around I spent the last 2 rounds since Alex left trying to shift the target onto Sarah and that didn't work at all I have no traction with these people. So step one was I mention Brian's name to tommy and tommy of course was so ambiguous and like just prying for information and I wasn't trying to throw Brian under the bus but I just wanted to plant the seed that Brian might be the easy vote plus tommy did vote for Brian week 1 so maybe there's some tension there??? So from there junior went and talked to tommy and kage and got them in on the Brian vote so if they're legit we only need one more but that's where it gets tricky because Sarah/crow/Jon are all going to vote together and I literally called Sarah and crow out in front of the tribe and threw them under the bus with receipts and hardcore exposure campaigns to multiple people on this tribe lmao so I'm fucked But I went to Sarah and we had a long talk just small talk and socializing and then moved to game talk where I really played up the emotional aspect where "I've been so alone and I was hurt that I thought I found my people and it all came crashing down and I just feel so isolated and it sucks and I'm sad :(" and I apologized really sincerely and tried to smooth everything over and just like make it so she's not scared of me sticking around because if she's doesn't think I'll come after her then the plan for junior to approach her to vote out Brian is more apt to get rolling because that door has already been opened.   I dont know if I'm going to still be here I can't play the in your face campaign against Brian or try and flip the script outright strategic game rn I have to just be in the background and make the case for why keeping me isn't harmful to anyone's game and let other people take care of numbers and I hate it when other people have any say in my destiny because if this tribe has proven anything it's that they can't be trusted like junior is SUCH a wimp when it comes to making moves he's so afraid of doing anything that if he thinks he's not going to be able to get the votes on Brian I know he'll give up on trying to save me so having him being the leader of the save Richie parade is truly terrifying. Ugh time has passed and junior is heckling out and I'm trying to convince crow now and I'm working my ass off while at dinner with my family and my phones going to die so RIP???????

http://youtu.be/9ptMGA9SUO0 oooo

So like nothing has happened on the heroes tribe because we've literally been on this huge winning streak. The streak itself has made things easier and challenging at the same time. We've grown so close that besides Drew or Steffen I don't want to see anyone leave. Had Drew lost immunity I would've tried my hardest to send him home because I have a sneaking suspicion Steffen and Drew have something going on and if we take out Steffen first that'll piss Johnny off, who we need as a number. So Drew has to go before Steffen as lon as they're on the same tribe with Johnny. Because Drew won immunity everyone decided to play it safe and either vote for Ruthie or Kendall and I think everyone decided on Ruthie because Kendall is on the edge of death and Ruthie is a huge social threat. I love her to death like she's the definition of a hero but we can't let her make it far.

I'm sad, maybe my heart wasn't in it as much this time as it was for me during Arabia? I'm not sure, I really thought I could trust Andrew, Steffen and especially Drew but I should have known better, fought harder and tried to make stronger connections with other people on my tribe.  It was a fun experience and I hate that Richie, Alex and I left so soon and that the three of us didn't get to be on a tribe together but maybe we'll get a chance to play together again one day and the Family will make it to the end for real! Right now I'm not sure who I'm rooting for.  Steffen and Drew seem to be putting out the most effort but I'm bitter that they didn't tell me my name was being thrown around.  We'll see, I'm going to follow the season closely and cheer everyone on though!