#like they are literally just one letter away this is insane i’m gonna split what once was whole down into three

[cr0ws-cha0t1c-c0llect10n]

jashers I’ve gotten into generation loss but i CANNOT STOP confusing sneeg with sneeb 😭😭😭😭😭

[doctorofmagic]

My thoughts on What If... Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The very title of the episode sends a shiver down my spine. And this is where we’re going to start.

~ long post under the cut ~

A year ago, I wrote this post as an attemp to dive into one of the most important traits in Doctor Strange’s personality: love. Stephen is a being made of love, made to love, no matter which interpretation you have when you watch Infinity War. If you don’t read comic books, you’ll understand the moment you meet Donna. You’ll begin to understand how her death reshaped his entire subjectivity out of fear of failing, being powerless and unable to control everything around him (especially death), thus the arrogant and yet a disaster of a man we all know.

Where do I even start? Stephen loved her sister deeply and felt responsible for her death. And then, slowly, he also lost his parents and his brother. He fell in love with Clea but he also pushed her away. He loved Zelma platonically and lied to her, which was enough for them to break their bond. He felt attracted to Kanna but screwed things up, even though they remain friends. He was forced to kill the Ancient One, the only father figure he had ever since his father died. And lastly, the only person who would never leave his side... also left. Yes, even Wong. Stephen has SO much love to give but he’s also afraid because he’s cursed. He truly believes his love in poison. And would you look at that? What If really delivered a story where this is actually true.

What If Doctor Strange Lost His Heart Instead of His Hands?

The level of understanding when it comes to the character is... inconceivable. What could possibly reshape Stephen into following a dark path but love? The very premise of the whole episode. This is so much more than a love letter. This is literally too much, in all senses.

Fine, let’s begin.

What if the best of intentions has very strange consequences?

No. You used the word “strange” for the pun but this is not the word. Nah-ah. I’d go with ATROCIOUS, for starters. Things are gonna escalate so quickly, my friends.

Seriously, tho? Christine is SO SO SO SO beautiful, they’re so cute together. I have this feeling that MCU!Stephen was quite toxic because of his arrogance and this is why they didn’t work out. But WhatIf!Stephen???????? He’s always praising her, teasing her in a healthy way, respecting her and listening to her. HE TRULY LOVES HER, I’M GONNA CRY ALL OVER AGAIN, PLEASE, NOT THE CRÈME BRÛLÉE, PLEASE

I’m going to leave this shot here because we need to go back to it later. Hold that thought.

And bonus points to “Yeah, well, I would call that quite remarkable.” / “Well, I would say the same about you.”

GODS. THE PAIN. STOP THE PAIN.

So in this reality, Stephen didn’t caused the car accident because he was checking his phone while driving. Also it was not the reckless attempt to pass the truck. Well, maybe it was the consequence of this act? The fact is, the car behind them loses control, which makes them crash. Does it matter? We’ll learn later that no, it doesn’t.

And yep... Christine dies. Have you noticed the shattered heart? Ah, the pain only gets better and better.

Again, Stephen blames himself. More than anything, this is so important because Stephen is all about guilt. We still need to meet Donna so we can add yet another layer of guilt. But the feeling exists. This is what corrupts Stephen’s heart and soul in all his iterations. This is what makes him the character I love so much. I love this SO. MUCH. In addition, his stubbornness to accept his condition. Man won’t take a no. This, this is Doctor Strange in character. Stop complaining about NWH Stephen, it’s pathetic.

Okay, “grief-stricken”, Stephen found the Mystic Arts and became a sorcerer. That’s when he learned about the Time Stone, the Eye of Agamotto and Dormammu. Nothing changes, he saves the universe. But time does not heal his deepest wound.

I love Wong so much. Every time Wong does something, the world is healed. Really. We’re going back to him as well but for now I’ll just leave this shot.

BUT STEPHEN, DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS? HE’D NEVAH

Aaaaaaaannnnnnd then he did.

He goes back in time. It’s been two years since he lost Christine. I think he reacted pretty nicely, despite the circumstances. Now let’s go back to that shot I said I was saving for later.

Stephen is so light-hearted here. Also, during the first time he lost Christine, he had no idea what “The Price is Right” was. He knows now, which means he probably tried to learn more about the show because of her, because of grief. HAHAHA MORE PAIN

AND THEN HE

AND THEN SHE DIES AGAIN

AND THEN HE KEEPS GOING BACK IN TIME

AND SHE KEEPS DYING

AND THE MUSIC

AND HIS VOICE

AND HE TRIES TO CHANGE FATE BUT IT CAN’T BE AVERTED

HE EVEN TRIES TO STAY AWAY FROM HER LIFE BUT SHE DIES ALL THE SAME, WHY

AND EVERY TIME THEY CRASH, HE FEELS THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHY

I’M-- *ugly sobbing noises*

Apparently, not.

And this scene when he simply... closes his eyes before she dies again...?

This is where this episode had me in endless tears. It got me the four times I watched it. I’m dead serious.

Okay, so, next the Ancient One appears to Stephen, explaining that Christine’s death is an Absolute Point in time. It cannot be changed. Stephen needs the accident to become the Sorcerer Supreme and defeat Dormammu.

And this is where Stephen starts his journey into darkness. “Nothing is impossible, you taught me that. I only require more power.” Disobeying the Ancient One, Stephen then travels in time, seeking the Library of Cagliostro. Now, if you’re not aware of that, Cagliostro was a sorcerer who studied time in comics, and later became Sise-Neg (there’s a recent post on this because of the new Defenders run). It’s funny to think that Sise-Neg also destroyed the world when he became a god, however he grew past his pettiness and remade reality. Stephen did not possess such power, as we’re about to see.

PS: “Stop torturing yourself, Stephen.” Naur but he should use this line like a mantra. Especially comics!Stephen.

Not gonna lie, tho. This place reminds me of the Temple of the Vishanti from T&T (of course I was going to insert T&T somewhere, it’s me).

And of course they’d go for a pun with his name haha. I don’t know how to feel about this, tho. I feel like the episode is too heavy and dark for comedy. But it is what it is.

Okay but why some books are in cages??????????? And wow, it seems Cagliostro also gathered knowledge about several fields of magic.

And then Stephen learns that, in order to break an Absolute Point, he needs to absorb more power. This is when I went “oh-oh, here we go”.

And for real, is this Shuma-Gorath? Why are they keeping his name a secret? Is this the same creature from the first episode with Captain Carter, right? RIGHT? It has to be Shuma-Gorath.

Of course he tries to be polite and ends up all hurt haha. O’Bengh warns him about love but he will not listen. “Love can break more than your heart. It can shatter your mind.”/ “Is she worth the pain?”. Please, this is Stephen. He eats pain for breakfast.

Also, also, let’s take a break. We’re finally going to get monsterf0cker tentacle-lover Stephen Strange. It will cost us everything but here we goooooooooooo (yes, I went frame by frame for your more obscure fanservice needs)

Gods, I love this sequence so much it hurts. Okay, here we go.

Shmebulock???????????

AND HE STOLE THE CAPE??????????? AND DREW THE LINE ON BUGS??????

The grasp this man is holding on me right now...

Some of you will understand. I’m with you.

And here are the grostesque ones. These are hard to take SS but I had to.

Animation, sound effects, OST? CHEF’S KISS TO ALL

And lastly... the tentacles. Yeah, if you’re new... this is a thing.

Fanservice. Fanservice everywhere. (low-key the reason I also waited to write this review, I wanted to enjoy this part so badly but I was too sad for that lmao)

Okay so. O’Bengh is suddenly OLD and DYING, until we realize that Stephen spent CENTURIES absorbing mystic beings. CENTURIES. WTF STEPHEN. He had nothing in mind but the goal to save Christine. And people wonder why he went insane???? I’m sorry, O’Bengh, but I can’t take you serious when you still call Stephen Sorcerer Armani. Oh, and also because you watched him absorb beings for centuries in silence lmao. But I guess I have to because you said that Stephen is split in two since the Ancient One cast a spell on him, splitting the timelines and making them exist in the same reality before he could travel back in time. I know, it’s complex. Anything for the plot.

And now good!Stephen has an evil!twin who wants to absorb him back in order to become whole and break the Absolute Point. Cool.

I said I wanted to talk more about Wong because I think people are not talking about him enough. Wong is so important in this episode. He’s the one who’s trying to heal Stephen after Christine. He’s Stephen’s anchor.

Also, THEY FINALLY USED A SPELL WITH THE NAME OF THE VISHANTI. HOORAAAAY

So, for the sake of our understanding, I’m addressing the characters as evil and good!Stephen. Let’s go. Evil!Stephen summons good!Stephen and gods, he still holds such a strong grasp on me... unbelievable. THE DEEPER VOICE BENEDICT USES???? PLEASE, DIDN’T WE HAVE ENOUGH?

Imagine his strength to hold so many beings inside him, fighting to control him. BRO, THIS IS TOO TOO MUCH

Fine, I’ll not post SS about the fight because I’d be here all night long but I WILL say this: NOT CLOAKIE!!!!! NAAAAAAAAAAUR

Also if you ask me if I recognize any of the spells? Maaaaybe the Flames of Faltine, the not-so-crimson Bands of Cyttorak and a little trick Magik does with her portals. That’s how far I go.

I’ll not comment on the “seducing yourself to stay in the trap”. I will not. I’ll just say that the first person Stephen thought of when “Christine” was talking about the crème brûlée was Wong. That’s it.

And finally evil!Stephen absorbs good!Stephen and releases... UNLIMITED POWER (I love when the stone goes red as if it was bleeding aaaaaaa)

I can fix him...

This scene here? Poetic cinema. (I love his wings so much)

And when Stephen says her name and the other monsters’ voices echo “Christine”, AAAAAACKKKK

AND OF COURSE CHRISTINE WOULD FREAK OUT, BRO. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE BECOME BECAUSE OF YOUR TWISTED LOVE. I’M NOT DOING FINE.

Oh, but it’s too late anyways because Stephen broke reality haha. This scene is interesting because Stephen is the only one who sensed and/or talked to the Watcher until now. I read an interview that the Watcher kinda showed up but it’s also about Stephen’s keen senses. Bit of both, let’s say. Still, man, 616-Watcher is not that cold. 616-Watcher would watch this and say “how about I intervene anyway?”. WhatIf!Watcher is brutal.

The way Christine looks at Stephen one last time also KILLS ME, DESTROYS ME, BREAK ME INTO A MILLION PIECES.

And this is where my soul left my body.

This is how they end the episode. This is how you leave me speechless and with teary eyes. This is how you give me a whole existential crisis.

This... this was brutal to watch. Really.

What can I say after this? I’m used to reading painful things when it comes to Stephen. Aaron’s and Cates’ runs are heartbreaking on so many levels. Hickman’s New Avengers is not easier. Coincidentally, What If? Magik Became Sorcerer Supreme and The End. And now Death of Doctor Strange. And yet, after everything I’ve been through, I’d never expect to watch something so brilliant, so tragic, so heartbreaking and unexpected in the MCU. Never. This is top tier content and this is my favorite character with SO MANY LAYERS and SO MUCH UNDERSTANDING. I can’t put into words how meaningful this whole episode is to me, or how deep it touched my heart and soul.

I’ve been struggling to find the proper words since then, I still can’t. All I can add is, I cried for the 4th time now. This is too, too much, even for Stephen stans. Even for the ones who are used to pain, regardless of which media you’re into: comic books, live actions or animated movies. This is literally more than I can take and yet I’m so, so grateful. The voice acting, gods, how did Benedict manage to create a better Stephen than the one he’s literally playing in real life???????????? HOW

This episode really took the max potential Stephen had to offer as a character, added tons and tons of layers based on his grief, depression, arrogance and need to control everything and created a tragic masterpiece. In 7 years of being a Doctor Strange fan, I've never read or watch something that could go this deep into the character. The closest I can think of is Mr. Misery and the metaphor of Stephen's depression. This is a whole new level of respect and understanding. This is more than a love letter. This is peak maestry. It’s perfect, it’s heartbreaking, it’s... gods, I can’t.

Sorry for dragging you until this far. Before I wrap up this review, I just wanted to remind you all that Stephen will appear again, he will smile again, he will be surrounded by people again. So this is not the end. It was painful but be brave. We still have a few more steps to take.

[not-gae-cuz-i-like-straight-wae]

Part 1: Responding to Jeansaaa

I intended on writing both my response to jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and another person in one message, but there’s some delay and I only finished the first part some time ago, so I’ll split my message up in two parts with the second part coming later. So NOTE: this message does NOT contain all my answers to this subject and I WILL explain more about the “why’s” in the (I hope) near future.

Introduction:

It’s been a while, but I’ve finally decided to write the respond to both jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’s last message and someone who I spoke with in the private chat. I’ll start off by saying I’ll call jeansaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa just “Jeanaaa” for short and the other person I’ll simply call “ABC”, because this person preferred to remain anonymous. I’ll respond to this last person later on in this message too, because I might answer several questions others might have as well…

I can’t reblog Jeansaaa’s last message and reply to it, because Jeansaaa blocked me afterwards (I send him/her a private message and asked about whether he/she had never blocked me or unblocked me again and then Jeansaaa said he/she forgot to block me, made a joke about his/her memory, told me not to worry and said he/she would block me with a smiley... like, WHERE even is the logic in blocking someone like THAT), so I don’t even know if Jeansaaa will ever read my message. However, this is a reply to basically everyone who’d say the exact same things in a discussion about lgbt+, so that’s why I’m responding to his/her message anyway and the same thing goes for ABC. I will however speak directly to these people, because it is them who wrote me the things they wrote.

The last thing I wanna say before I actually start writing, is that I might use capital letters and exclamation marks. This, however, will be more often shoutouts out of surprise and confusion instead of anger and aggression or it will be just to emphasize parts of my sentences…

MY RESPOND TO: JEANSAAA

Jeansaaa’s last message:

Listen bro don’t take this personal I have no I’ll intentions at all and I don’t hate straight people ( I’m bi myself so i’m part straight ) but if you’re gonna post your opinions online than your gonna be subject to criticism, and the problem with straight pride is that for centuries lgbtq+ people have been called slurs, demonized even KILLED because of their sexuality, even to this day in certain countries it’s illegal to be to be part of the lgbtq+, until just RECENTLY gay marriage was illegal, nothing like that has happened to straight people, that’s why gay pride exists because homophobia is still ever present, but I’m not gonna shove this in your face, I’m just trying to let you know why gay pride exists and why straight pride doesn’t, have a good day dude 😊

“Don’t take this personal”

Okay, so first of all, EXCUSE ME?! I shouldn’t take it personal??? ERR. Aside from blocking me yourself, you LITERALLY told others to block me as well, so that is PRETTY personal!

No hate to straight people? WOW. I’m blown away!

Like I said before, it would be quite mankind-hating if you’d hate straight people! I know people don’t hate straight people (because THAT would be completely insane), but I still can’t believe we have come so far that you are criticized when you do say you’re straight! Because that’s what’s happening. Lgbt+ supporters want lgbt+ people to show everyone they’re not straight and straight people should shut up about being straight?!

I’m okay with criticism if it’s because I say THESE things…

Yes, I AM posting the things I say online. Those aren’t “opinions”, but I guess it wouldn’t even do any good anymore to explain that to you, so I’ll just say “opinions” to keep it simple… I know a lot of people have the same opinions as me. People that also have no ill intentions (towards the lgbt+ community itself as well), but (like me) they act the way they act and have opinions because they think about it themselves and NOT because the majority (or at least, the ones who are given a voice and scream the loudest and the ones that can control the governments and the media together with – of course – the large herd of people that blindly follows them) thinks that way. Unfortunately, many people don’t dare to stand up for their opinion anymore these days and those who do speak aloud are often silenced. Either because their account gets blocked if they’d speak on the internet or something even worse would happen if they’d stand up for their opinions in real life.

You’re calling the ENTIRE humanity before us STUPID…

So I have a question for you… You say: “for centuries lgbtq+ people have been called slurs, demonized even KILLED because of their sexuality” and you say “nothing like that has happened to straight people”. Now… Don’t you think there is a REASON why all these centuries people thought of lgbt+ as abnormal? Do you really think all these BILLIONS and BILLIONS of people that have lived on the Earth for CENTURIES just thought of lgbt+ as abnormal for absolutely NO REASON?!

Again: I don’t hate gays and don’t feel any need to discriminate them, in case you still thought I did after I already told you a hundred times I didn’t.

Look, I don’t justify the fact that people were killed because of whatever they thought they were or liked and I have said that before. I think they should have human (I repeat: HUMAN) rights and that they should be protected by the government in the country they live in (as long as they act normally, of course, but that applies to everyone). So if they’d get abused or they’d beaten up, the perpetrators should be punished! If people want to make decisions or changes to themselves, it’s their problem. That’s why I also wouldn’t hurt or scold anyone who’s – for example – gay. I fact, some of my very own friends are gay and they know how I think about it, but we have no problems with each other at all. So don’t pretend like I’M the one causing others frustration or whatever!

The problem.

And that’s why I think I should clarify myself one more time: I’m not against gay people. That’s their choice. What I am against is the lgbt+ AGENDA that is being executed (and that too is why I definitely wouldn’t support the lgbt+ community and why I openly said that on my account). I’m against the forcing of changing mankind’s morality. It’s totally fine (to me, at least) if you want to have an opinion, but why all that pushy hassle?! And now it even goes far beyond imposing opinions. Entire cities are changed. I know why and I’ll speak about this more extensively later on, but I’ll first finish my respond to what you’ve said.

I believe you are mistaken about your own goal.

You claim that gay pride is all to make sure gay people will have the same rights as straight people, right? I know many people do. Well, let me tell you something: the way you’re trying to achieve that WON’T change the fact that it’s illegal to be part of the lgbt+ community in some countries! Waving rainbow flags, painting rainbow zebra crossings and creating wall paintings of two men (like I have all seen more than once in my very own hometown and much, MUCH more in the capital city of the country I live in) won’t change a SHIT about what’s happening in faraway countries. And I can tell you another thing: in the places where all these changes for lgbt+ people are made, lgbt+ people already HAVE the same rights! So if you REALLY want to change anything in some country on the other side of the world, GO OVER THERE and try to convince them to treat lgbt+ people differently!

More than just normalizing (whether you acknowledge that or not).

But NO. That’s NOT what you all do. You wave all these flags and stuff here for another reason, because – like I said – lgbt+ people ARE accepted by the community in these countries and waving flags won’t change a thing ANYWHERE even IF it hadn’t already been legalized here. You wave these flags, paint these rainbow zebra crossings and create these wall paintings of two men because lgbt+ is already normalized here, but the lobby who created this agenda wanted people to take it much further than just normalizing the lgbt+ community. That’s also why it’s not called gay “normal”, but gay “pride” and why you all celebrated an entire “pride month”. That’s also why I spoke earlier about you all praising, glorifying or even WORSHIPPING the lgbt+ community now.

So DON’T try to convince me…

… that all these rainbow stuff and same-sex paintings are to reduce discrimination of lgbt+ people (which I, for the record, am also against, but I’ve already explained that before), because it’s NOT. It already IS not allowed to discriminate lgbt+ people in these countries and on social media and you guys are NOT trying to change anything in countries where being gay is illegal, because that would be happening over THERE and not over HERE.

About the next message:

Once again, I know (a couple of reasons) why the lobby wants you all to wave rainbow flags etc. etc., but I’ll speak about that more at some other point in the next (extremely long) message, in which I – like I said earlier – will also respond to someone who texted me in a private chat.

So this is where the first part of my message ends. You’ll hear more of me about this some other time…

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

[alyss01]

|[Trending]|

[Corpse Husband x GN! reader]

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Genre: fluff (kinda)

Word count: 2.5 K

Requested: no (to request send me a submission, an ask or a message) REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Synopsis: You meet Corpse for the first time after being invited by Sean to a game of Among us. The two of you make quite a good pair in the game and as soon as you close the game and start messaging Corpse privately you check your twitter.

Warnings: violence in among us

A/n: I really didn't know what to write but this seemed like a lot of fun. It was kind of awkward writing it but I hope you don't notice that when reading. I hope you enjoy!

Masterlist

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You were leaning back in your desk chair, you had just finished editing a video to go up on YouTube when you were disturbed by a ping on your phone.

"Are you up for a game of Among us?" Sean was the culprit of your distraction during your well earned break. Not that you minded, the Irish man a great friend of you and a seemingly infinite source of entertainment.

"Idk, are there others I know there as well?" You asked, unsure of wanting to go through the draining process of meeting a bunch of new people and having to worry about first impressions and such.

"A couple. Toast, Sykunno and Felix. Does that sound good?" He responded, you thought for a second, it had been awhile since you streamed and it could definitely be fun.

"I'll be there in 10. Keep the spot open." You messaged back as you closed your phone, and started to set up everything you needed to start the stream.

In the meantime Sean informed the group they could play a quick game with nine people before their fill would arrive.

You kept the intro to your stream quick, posting a quick post on instagram to inform people you were going live.

When you joined the call they seemed to have just finished the game, "Lud, I can't believe you vented in front of me!" You could instantly hear the different voices of your friends fill your ears as they bickered over their last game.

Your little avatar joined the spaceship as the group quieted down. You greeted them cheerfully, "Hi guys!"

Sykunno was the first to greet you as well, he perked up at the sound of your voice, "oh hi Y/n!" You chuckled, "it's been awhile Sykunno."

"Don't steal my simp away like that Y/n." You laughed at Toast's hurtful voice as Sykunno hurried back to denying it. Being more than well aware of the joke it had become it was always fun to tease them about it.

"Sykunno won't know who to simp for now." Felix chuckled as everyone laughed, you were glad to have joined the game, it was already promising to be a fun set of games today.

When you glanced at your chat you could see an arrange of comments flash over the screen, some greeting you, others joking about the comic situation from before yet most kept saying 'wait for it'.

"Hey guys why is my chat being spammed with 'wait for it'? What are you planning behind my back." You were skeptical of the group, knowing full well what they had planned for new comers when they joined in the past. You wanted them to know you wouldn't fall for it but instead of anything you just received laughs in response.

You were confused as ever when Felix spoke up as first, "you don't think they're talking about Corpse, do you?"

This just made you more confused, "Corpse?"

"Wait don't tell me you've never played with Corpse before?" Jack nearly yelled out, and it reminded you why you standardly had him turned down in volume in discord. "Why haven't I forced you to play with him before?!" He continued as the look of confusion only grew on your face. Your chat was going insane as you looked on another screen where discord was displayed, indeed seeing that one of the names in the call was this so called 'Corpse'.

"So uhm, who is Corpse?" You asked somewhat awkwardly, and a deep voice greeted you back.

You were taken by surprise to say the least, Felix comically counting to three before your own voice seemed to return, "assuming that was real, that's one heck of a voice you got there dude." A smile on your face as you continued to look at the screen.

"Yea.. uh thanks?" You could hear the awkwardness in his voice, "I'm sorry, you must get that a lot." You apologized while chuckling as he agreed, "yea, you could say that."

With that settled the game of Among us started. You walked out of cafeteria, followed by Corpse and Sykunno as you did the med scan, Sykunno checking if it was real and doing his own scan after.

Corpse followed the two of you around to cameras where he vented when both you and Sykunno were watching the cameras. His kill in electrical was fast and flawless as he vented back, just in time to see you walk down from the cameras.

You had seen him, he knew that. Yet you didn't run to the button. A devilish smile on your face as you spoke to your chat, "now I'm interested in how his going to play this." Sykunno left cams, and the three of you split from each other to do tasks.

You met up with Corpse once more in admin, as you were scanning your card. The lights went out as you stood at the admin table beside him, who was still faking the task, although it didn't do anything to convince you after what you had seen earlier.

Although you had expected him to kill you right then and there, he didn't. He stayed beside you until the body was reported.

Three people had died so far.

Corpse stayed silent, only speaking when a question was asked. "I was the entire time beside Y/n, they can vouch for me."

You raised your eyebrows as you listened along. He was testing his boundaries. He was testing you.

"He was with me the entire time yes, so that should clear me." You spoke, muting yourself for a second as you talked to your chat, "I'll keep that information for later, he can't kill me now, cause I'm clearing him."

"It doesn't clear you, three people died." Rae spoke up for the first time that meeting, but Corpse was quick to defend you, "If we would've been imposters we would've just double killed twice."

You mouth opened although no words came out. Sykunno backed you up, saying that he cleared you with the med bay scan so both you and Corpse were safe.

"This is actually hilarious." You said as you laughed loudly when the meeting ended. In the end they had skipped because you were still with seven left.

As you walked around the map Corpse trailed you like a puppy, only disappearing once. When you found a body in comms later while walking by you reported it, "it's in comms."

Five people were left. They were one person away from winning.

It wasn't needed for you to reveal your information quite yet, Toast had big brained and figured out that Rae was one of the imposters. Seeing as his evidence seemed accurate enough you voted, and the game didn't end when she was thrown into the vast emptiness of space.

During the next round Corpse disappeared from your side once more, and you left your position. Instead of waiting for him you stood at the button and waited for a few seconds to be sure Corpse had killed before pressing the emergency button.

"Good button." Corpse started and Sykunno agreed. Three people were left.

You smiled as you shifted position, leaning your head on your hand as you watched the screen. "So this button has a reason. We need to vote."

Again both males agreed. "Sykunno remember how you cleared me at med bay the first round?"

"Yes.."

"So then it's Sykunno." Corpse concluded and your confusion was obvious on your camera as you were trying to understand what Corpse was doing.

"Well you didn't check me, so it can definitely be me." Sykunno agreed thoughtfully, and you shifted in your chair, smacking your hands on your desk "Wait what? Sykunno I know it's not you!"

"You were with Corpse the entire game though, and you never cleared me!" He argued back and you failed to see the logic in his words.

"Sykunno I literally saw Corpse vent!" You yelled out, locking your vote into corpse.

This new information seemed to take Sykunno by surprise as well, "wait what? You actually saw him vent? When?"

"First round at cams. I got off earlier than you and Corpse hopped out of the vent after killing someone in electrical, after all that's where the body was found. So after that he followed me around each round." You explained as Sykunno locked in his vote as well.

Corpse didn't say anything before locking in his own vote.

He got thrown out with three votes that round.

You were practically yelled at by both Felix and Jack after not having avenged them by outing Corpse that first round.

It was the second round when the fun really started to happen. Both you and Corpse managed to land imposter this time. You were glad you were muted when you saw the screen with the red letters painted above it, the loud laughing that escaped your throat would've been a dead give away.

You managed to kill two people during that round, both when lights were off. When you shot Sykunno in his head you whispered a silent apology as you self reported his body.

"Okay so who killed my simp?" You spoke as soon as you unmuted yourself in the meeting. Immediately Corpse and Sean went wild, "who killed my best bud?!" Sean immediately followed.

"I swear whoever killed Sykunno won't get away with this." Corpse followed up. Surprisingly enough this pulled any suspicion off the three of you. No one wanted to believe any of you three would actually murder Sykunno.

They shot out Rae for whatever reason that round, although you barely noticed in your laughing fit. You didn't stop laughing after Toast had quite literally said "Y/n, Sean and Corpse have to be clear, otherwise I would've heard Sykunno cry from his room because of the betrayal."

"I'm gonna stalk Y/n. Ain't no way both my best friends are getting murdered." The words that left Sean's mouth in the last seconds of the meeting made you stop laughing.

You followed Sean around, talking to your chat in the meantime, "okay so I'm switching tactics. I'm gonna marinate Sean now."

When the next body was reported you indeed had not left Sean's side. It made the group believe that one of the killers had indeed been thrown out and it also cleared your name.

Now both you and Corpse were cleared, as he had marinated someone the first round and now you also had someone to vouch for you.

"So we got one out just now, otherwise we there probably would've been more people dead." Toast started the meeting when Felix's body was found.

"Or one of the imposters is sitting it out." Hafu continued and immediately they started to debate. With six people left you were ready for a double kill to win.

"I can only vouch for Corpse for round one." Poki spoke up, immediately drawing sus to corpse. There wasn't anything you could do against it so you let it happen, and in the end he got voted out.

His ghost followed you as you walked around. You decided to speedrun the remaining round. You killed Poki first in med bay and vented into security as you walked towards electrical.

If you played this well enough you could put Sean in a 50/50.

Next on your list was either Toast or Hafu. You sliced Toast's neck in comms and when you went to check admin table you could see both Hafu and Sean together in navigation.

You waited for a bit longer before taking the long way through cafeteria, and when you arrived your kill cool down was ready.

You sliced through Hafu's avatar as the screen faded to black and displayed your victory.

The rounds that followed that one were on your end spent as cremated, although they were still a lot of fun. You stayed with Corpse for a large part of it, vouching for each other when you could. More than once that resulted in the both of you being thrown out.

When Corpse left the group you saw that it had been a couple of hours. It was starting to get late for you as well so you too decided to end there. You closed your stream with some last words and got up from your set up as you stretched.

You grabbed your phone as you opened discord, sending a quick message to Corpse, "it was great meeting you! You're one hell of an imposter by the way." You fell backwards on your bed.

Within a minute you got a reply, "likewise, we made a great team." You chuckled aloud. This wasn't what you had planned for the day but it was a lot of fun. You were glad you had joined the game.

"Will you be joining future games as well?" You messaged back, hoping for a positive answer.

"I hope so, it isn't up to me though." You couldn't see Corpses smile through the screen, neither could he see your broad smile as you typed a reply.

"Got it. Rest assured knowing I'll message you as soon as I get the opportunity for anyone to join! No matter what, I hope to see you more often in the lobby." You clicked send as you dropped your phone on the bed. You laughed as you pressed your face in one of your pillows, you could barely believe you just send that.

"Same." The beep from your phone had you grab it as you read his reply, the smile on your face growing brighter.

When you closed discord you could see the massive amount of notifications on twitter. You opened the app, seeing your account swamped with tweets over your stream and the hashtag '#CorpseandY/n' trending.

The tweets ranged from clips from your stream mashed with clips from Corpses stream, to just messages and drawings of scenes of the stream. You recognized your little avatar turning around when corpse vented right in front of you while Corpses avatar was littered with blood splatters in one of the mini comics.

You returned to your chat with him on discord, "have you checked twitter since the start of among us?"

"No, I've gotten a lot of notifications though."

"I recommend you check it." You laughed as Corpse went offline. A couple of minutes later he returned, "we're trending."

"Yup, we are."

[selfawarejester]

triskele (j.t x c.h)

there’s only one bed! - jason

From here,

— Warning: Mild language

— Pairing: Cora Hale (Teen Wolf) x Jason Todd (DC Comics)

— Notes: Yeah, I was going to do this series chronologically and decided “screw it.” Enjoy! Remember, feedback is always appreciated!

Jason feels a little guilty bringing Cora to a flea-ridden wreck like the Moonlight Inn: he doesn’t have to be a werewolf to wince away from the stench of the dilapidated building, nor a master detective to notice her nose scrunch up in distaste.

But he came here to bust drug dealers, not for a spa day. And he planned to stake them out from across the street long before she decided to tag along, tired of third-wheeling with Roy and Kori.

She nimbly avoids stepping on the curious stains that darkened the carpet - probably knew what they were - but Jason would rather not, since it’d probably stop him stomping down the hall to their room.

“Sorry, kid.” The unhelpful attendant had said, picking his nails with a letter opener. “There ain’t any vacancies.”

He leaned forward, greasy lips stretching in a gross grin, exposing near moldy teeth. “See, a few... venturing businessmen hit gold — they’re celebrating with a few lady friends. You’ll have to share.”

Just for the way he leered at Cora, Jason would have to go back and teach him a little lesson — who knows what she’d do if he let her go instead?

He’d have to make sure those “lady friends” leave safely, too. And if the gangbangers were celebrating, something else happened, and he needed to find out what — so many limbs to break, so little time to do it in.

Cora perks up next to him, catching his attention. “A group‘s coming — I can hear the bullets in their chambers.”

It’s a split second decision, one spurred by the sound of dress shoes on cheap polypropylene — in hindsight, he’s shocked that she didn’t tear his arm straight off — he grabs her shoulder, pulling her into his side and tucking his chin into chest.

“Go with it.” He mumbles near her ear, and he feels her hand rest around his waist, moving closer to him.

The three guys, dressed in tacky suits, barely paid them any attention, babbling drunkly as they passed.

If Jason said that he wasn’t weirdly distracted by her coconut shampoo, the startling realization of how small her hands actually were, and how warm she was against him... he’d be in denial.

Which he was comfortable with.

They finally make it to their room, which... isn’t that bad? Much better maintained than the rest of the motel — go, Mould Tooth, I guess.

The furniture is much sturdier, and cleaner. The wallpaper is faded and tearing at places but not too badly. He’d slept in worse places (and he suspected Cora had too, considering the almost immediate acceptance of the situation).

“Uh oh.” He looks to his right, to where Cora stands with a hand on her cocked hip — what was annoying her already-?

Uh oh.

Of the many, many things Mould Teeth had neglected to warn them of, the single bed in the room was apparently one of them.

“There’s only one bed.” Cora mutters, and both her tone and expression is completely unreadable. She does that frustratingly well, he’s noticed.

“Your powers of observation never cease to amaze.” He replies glibly, hoping she wouldn’t notice his heartbeat picking up.

No, not because of the notion of sharing a bed with a pretty girl (an insane one, but hey, it never stopped Batman!) — he can remember when a younger version of him would’ve literally sold his soul for this opportunity. Especially if it was Cora.

No, it was because he didn’t much like the idea of being that close to someone, even her, at this point in time. Too many nightmares this time of year, too many bad memories resurfacing... it’s why he picked this mission in the first place.

But he needed to stop thinking about that — if she picked up his chemo signals, it would just be awkward and humiliating.

So he reverts to what’s always worked.

“Go sleep on the couch.”

Cora makes a noise of offense, a deep frown setting on her features.

“Wha-? No way. You go sleep on it.”

He snorts in disbelief. “You’re the only one who can fit on it.” He braced himself for the punch she delivers to his arm, but it still wasn’t enough, still leaving him hissing.

“Why don’t you sleep on the floor then?”

“With this carpet?” He asks, his disgust legitimate. “I’d rather die again.”

“That can be arranged.” He stifles the grin that rises; Everyone in his life was so touchy about the whole subject, too concerned about the shit that didn’t matter and insensitive to what actually hurt him — but not Cora. She was always ready and willing to engage in entirely morbid banter that usually left their spectators grimacing and uncomfortable, and backed off when she sensed she’d treaded on a sensitive topic.

Jason sighs heavily, dramatically and throws his duffel on one of the ratty armchairs. “Fine. Since I’m a gentleman-“

She snorts, leaning against the door jamb with crossed arms.

“I’m gonna let you have the bed.”

Of course that was the plan from the beginning — he had all the aforementioned shit to do, he’s not going to be sleeping much anyways.

“And that has nothing to do with those three losers in the hall?”

Damn.

“...Take the win, Hale.” She throws her hands up, strolling towards the bed leisurely.

“Whatever, Todd. Just don’t cut me out of the fight because you have steam to let off.” She plops onto the mattress, and her gaze turns serious — that’s something she does well, too. It felt like for a single second, she wasn’t messing around, like she was looking straight into your soul.

But then she fell back on the bed and he could breathe again.

“Why else did you think I brought you here?” He quips, squatting down to fish his gear out of his bag. “You’re the brawn, sweet- What?”

She’s gone completely still, rosy cheeks going pale.

“Ew.” Is all she mutters quietly, staring into the ceiling in quiet horror. He follows her gaze, wondering what could spook her like that when a thump sounds and realization strikes.

His face twists and he digs through the bag again, crossing the distance in a long stride to reach her side. He places the headphones over her ears, sending her a wink.

“No need to thank me.” He scrolls through his phone, looking for just the right- Ah. There it is.

He smirks when Cora’s almost thankful look sours, as Spice Girls blasts through the speakers.

“What? They’re a cultural phenomenon.” He teases, smirk widening into a grin before he can help himself.

“You’re a world class prick.” She says loudly, flipping him off as he leaves, making his shoulders shudder in laughter.

He doesn’t even remember that he’s still smiling until he gets to the rooftop, looking towards the thugs roaming about aimlessly.

Taglist: @catxsnow @disnerd262 @i-lovehufflepuff3000 @theconfusedpansexualbitch @lesbian-arsonists-united @brooklynnboys @nannna003 @capttain-emo @klutzydelusionprincess @victoriagraeca @fuzzycookietacopeach @emma-for-now

[thethistlegirl]

I’ll Be Home For Christmas

@impossiblepluto requested something about Mac and Jack in the Army, possibly their first Christmas after meeting each other. And seeing as my last Sandbox-era fic was so heartbreaking, this one is fluffy and only a little bit angsty...

Jack knows the Christmas box will be coming any day now. Momma will have gotten his package out weeks ago to make sure it gets to him before December 25. She makes the same brownies every year, the ones with chocolate chip cookie dough on top. They get a little broken up in transit but they’re still edible.

But his favorite part is all the letters she crams into that box. 

There are notes from Grammaw, from aunts and uncles, from the nieces and nephews and cousins. One of the younger ones, Evan, sent him a little toy soldier once with “Jack” scribbled on the little base in Sharpie. He loves those darn kids. And he misses getting to see them.

So when the box arrives, Jack tucks it into his bunk until he has enough time alone to give all the letters and cards the attention they deserve. He unwraps one of the brownies and eats it slowly, unfolding the first of the cards.

Jack,

I’m glad the situation with your new tech worked out. I’m glad for him that he has someone like you watching his back. He couldn’t have better.

I hope we’ll see you in person next Christmas. You wouldn’t believe how big Laura’s kids are getting. They love coming to see the ranch, as a matter of fact Diego is getting really good at roping. He’s about to join the county roping team.

Jack turns the letter over and wishes the sand under his feet was from Texas, not Afghanistan, that the world smelled like mesquite and cattle rather than smoke and goats.

He wipes the tears away fast when Carl’s Jr. walks in. He doesn’t need that annoying little bomb nerd getting on his case about being emotional. They might be good friends now, but the kid never lost his sarcastic teasing streak.

He tosses the kid a brownie. “Hey, got a package from home. And you could use some of Momma’s cooking, skinny kid. For someone with a hamburger name, you got no meat on your bones at all.”

Mac glares at him, but starts eating the brownie, and Jack smirks at the expression on the kid’s face. I’m gonna have to write back to Momma and tell her how much he loves her cooking.

Jack sinks back onto the bunk, spreading out the letters and crayon drawings around him. He knows some guys feel even farther from home this Christmas. Coleman’s from Vermont; he must be missing the snow. But Texas just feels as far away right now as the moon.

That’s when it hits him, the kid doesn’t act like he’s missing a thing. He’s not hanging around mail call waiting for packages. He’s only ever gotten two letters the whole time Jack’s known him, which is almost a year now, and both of them were from one friend back home. He never talks about family; he never sits down with the other guys and shares any memories of holidays back home. It’s almost a contagion around the end of November; Jack’s been out on rotations with guys all the time who just spontaneously start rambling on about favorite memories of home and family. Sometimes he’s been the one doing the rambling. Doesn’t matter how closed off, how annoying, how strange the person is, seems like wanting to be out of this dust pit and home brings all of them together.

Except the kid. Mac doesn’t seem like he has any good memories of previous Christmases. Jack’s shared a couple of his own, on their last few bomb runs, but the kid doesn’t respond in kind.

The more he thinks about it, the more it bothers him. It gets under his skin to the point that that thought, that the kid might have such a screwed-over life that he doesn’t even have good holiday memories, bothers Jack more than thinking that he’s spending yet another Christmas away from his home and family.

Finally, he just asks, point blank, in the Humvee on the way back from a rotation. “Hey Carl’s Jr., what’s the deal with Christmas for you?”

“Nothing.” The kid barely looks up from where he’s fiddling with some wire in his lap.

“That’s what I mean, kid. You act like it’s just another month, like there’s nothing special, nothing you miss, no one who cares about you back home.”

“There’s not much to miss. Just a friend from home. My mom’s dead, my dad’s gone, and my grandpa died last year.” He says it all so matter-of-factly that Jack’s heart squeezes. “I don’t have a family to miss. It just makes this job easier, I guess. No one I miss, and no one who misses me, so it doesn’t matter if I can get leave or not. Wouldn’t matter if I didn’t come back ever.”

“Hey hey hey.” Jack puts on the literal brakes, the Humvee screeching to a halt in a cloud of dust. “I don’t care what family you got, or don’t. I’m your family now kid, and I care a hell of a lot if you come back in one piece or not.” Mac’s eyes flick up to his, wide with surprise. “As long as I’m around, you’ve got someone who cares about you.”

“It’s not safe to care.” Mac mumbles, and Jack can’t tell if he’s trying to warn Jack off, or if he’s trying to force himself not to accept Jack’s offer of acceptance.

“That’s the thing about family. It’s always a risk. You’re never gonna know if all they’re gonna do is hurt your heart.” He grins. “But there’s another thing about family. You don’t really choose them. They just fall into your life, some right from the start, some along the way. And you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”

The kid gives him a weak smile. “Does that mean if we’re family that I get to split those brownies equally?”

“Sure thing.” Jack grins. “On one condition, that the first Christmas we’re stateside, you come thank the cook in person. Sounds like you never had much of a family Christmas, and I can’t wait for you to experience the absolute insanity that is the Dalton family in one house for six hours.”

“Deal.”

Jack can’t help smiling all the way home. He’s already planning the awesomeness of introducing Mac to his family. And he’s got to admit he’s also a little interested to see if he can get the kid to eat enough of those brownies at once that he’ll get a sugar rush. Although I should probably hide anything I don’t want totally demolished first. He does have a radio that is hopelessly malfunctioning...This could be fun...

[gayoongles]

Summer Love

Pairing: Suga | Min Yoongi/Park Jimin Rating: T POV: Jimin/3rd Words: 3.3k Summary: Yoongi and Jimin are camp counselor boyfriends

ao3

A/N: This is my Submission for the Pretty Boys Network’s Secret Summer Love Project, I hope y’all enjoy it! :)

**moodboard made by @taetaetrashhh**

“Hyung, come on we’re gonna be late, it’s the first day we can’t be late!”

“Sorry, Sorry, coming.” Yoongi walked out in the outfit they have to wear; a blindingly bright red t-shirt with ‘Camp Counselor’ in big white letters on the back and ‘Camp Jin’ on the front pocket, a name that Yoongi had complained about, saying that it’s the least creative fucking camp name that Jin could’ve possibly come up with, to which he received a slap on his arm and a “respect your hyung, hyung” for from Jimin.

Jimin giggles at the annoyed look on his boyfriend’s face, which just results in the latter rolling his eyes at the younger boy.

The two finally get out the door and drive the 20 minutes to the summer camp, arriving at just before 9am; right on time.

They walk into Seokjin’s office holding hands, for which they immediately get scolded for, causing Jimin to jump from the sudden yell.

Yoongi scoffs, “Good morning to you too, hyung. Was that necessary?” He wraps an arm around his boyfriend’s waist and pulls him closer to him to comfort him.

“Yah!” Jin rushes forward, “I’m sorry Jimin-ah, I didn’t mean to scare you! I ah, must’ve forgotten to talk to you about that, s’all.” He trails off and rubs the back of his neck nervously.

Yoongi’s eyes narrow, “Talk to us about what, exactly?”

Jin gestures to the two boys, “That. You two. You’re not allowed to act couple-y around the kids.”

Jimin pipes up from his place in Yoongi’s side, “Why not, Jin-hyung?” He frowns, instinctively pressing closer to his boyfriend.

“Uh, why? Do you have a problem with us showing our affection towards each other?”

Jin scowls, “Min Yoongi, I really hope you’re not insinuating that I’m homophobic, because you know full well that I’m head over heels in love with your best fucking friend.”

“How could I forget? Every time I go to the studio to work on our songs with him, all I hear is ‘Jin-hyung did this’, and ‘Jin-hyung took me on the best date this weekend!’ it’s exhausting, honestly.”

Jin rolls his eyes, “Well, no, to answer your questions, I don’t have a problem with it, but just no PDA of any kind in front of the kids. While I don’t think the kids themselves will particularly care, we are still in Korea and I don’t want to have to fire you two if a kid tells their parents about the ‘two boys kissing’ and they file a complaint; or what happens if they see you two being intimate and they try it with another camper and tell their parents? You two will have to be fired and a kid might get beat or kicked out by their parents if they think their child is gay, and they’re only 4-6, Yoongi, they’ll literally die if they’re kicked out and have no one to care for them!”

Yoongi flinches at Jin’s accusatory tone, “Okay, okay I got it. No PDA in front of the kids. Try not to have an aneurism over it, hyung.”

Jin immediately smiles and nods, “Great! Here’s your nametags and you know all the other rules, you can join Namjoon-ah and Hoseokie in the main room, the kids should be arriving at any moment.

They leave Seokjin’s office and detatch from each other, walking awkwardly next to each other with at least one foot of space in between them.

They make it into the room and give each other one last loving gaze before going their separate ways; Yoongi going to stand near Namjoon and Jimin near Hoseok.

This is gonna be a long summer.

The kids start arriving at exactly 9:15 and once the last kid arrives and checks in, Jin starts speaking, “Good Morning campers! Welcome to Camp Jin! I hope you enjoy your summer here and make great memories and friendships. I’m going to split you up into groups and assign you a certain counselor, who will be your advisor throughout the entire summer. Lee Taemin, Kim Taehyung, Lee Seokmin, and Wen Junghai are with Mr. Park.”

Jimin raises his hand, a big smile on his face as the four kids rush over to him.

“Lee Jihoon, Jeon Jeongguk, Choi Hansol, and Kwon Soonyoung are with Mr. Min.” Yoongi raises his hand.

“Choi Sungccheol, Yoon Junghan, Hong Jisoo, and Jeon Wonwoo are with Mr. Jung, and Kim Mingyu, Xu Minghao, Boo Seungkwan, and Lee Chan are with Mr. Kim. Your counselors have your activity schedules, so please go to them so you can start your fun-filled day!” Jin claps his hands together and the remaining kids rush over to their assigned counselors.”

After 2 hours with his kids, Jimin loves all of them, he really does, but he maybe likes Kim Taehyung the best. Yes, the 6-year-old is extremely energetic and always running off, but the other kids aren’t, so Jimin likes him the best.

The opposite can be said for Min Yoongi. Now Yoongi likes kids, don’t get him wrong. He wouldn’t have agreed to work for his hyung if he didn’t, but three of kids are always yelling and running off and Yoongi is tired. 4-year-old Jeon Jeongguk is the only calm one, keeping to himself for the most part, barely even speaking and playing by himself instead of with the other kids.

Namjoon and Hoseok were having too much trouble with all their kids individually, however, since they got more of the older kids, so they decided to combine their groups, with Jin’s consent, of course.

Jimin also got consent to let his group hang out with Yoongi’s, they’re not allowed to combine permanently, though. Now, Jimin isn’t having trouble with his kids to warrant him needing to combine with Yoongi, he just misses his boyfriend and feels like he might go insane if he doesn’t so much as see the older boy for nearly an entire day;

And that’s how they find themselves sneaking off into a secluded part of the building during lunch time to catch up on everything they weren’t able to do for 4 whole hours. If they can’t even deal with not being with each other for more than a few hours, how they’re supposed to survive the next 3 months of camp is a mystery.

“Hyung!” Jimin giggles, “What if we get caught? Jin hyung will kill us.”

Yoongi rolls his eyes and stops near a wall in one of the dimly lit hallways, grabbing one of Jimin’s hands in his own and running his thumb over the younger boy’s knuckles, “He’ll only kill us if he finds out, Jiminie.” He grins and traps his boyfriend against the wall, one hand on the wall and the other on his waist, leaning in to capture Jimin’s lips with his own.

Jimin reciprocates immediately, humming contently and moving to deepen the kiss, bringing one hand up to cup Yoongi’s cheek.

They continue this routine every day; sneaking away at lunch time to a secluded hallway to make out until it gets too heavy for them to continue.

One day, however. They catch the attention of a certain dark-haired boy as they’re walking off.

Yoongi and Jimin are kissing heavily in the middle of the hallway when they hear a small voice speak up from about 10 feet away from them. Jimin’s eyes snap open and he pushes Yoongi away from him, barely sending him an apologetic glance before his eyes lock on the source of the voice. Jeon Jeongguk.

The 4-year-old has his head tilted and a confused look on his face, “Mr. Park? Mr. Min?”

“Ah! Jeonggukkie!” Yoongi says in a strained voice, walking forward until he’s right in front of the boy, kneeling down so that he’s face to face with him, “What are you doing out of the lunch room, kiddo?”

“Um…” Jeongguk starts nervously, “I-I saw you and Mr. Park leaving the caf-caf…cafeteria and I got worried.” He frowns at himself, obviously frustrated for still having difficulty with some words.

“Oh, well we’re okay sweetheart.” Jimin pipes in, appearing in the spot next to Yoongi, “How about you, me, and Mr. Min head back to the cafeteria, okay? I’m sure everyone is wondering where you went.”

Jeongguk nods and starts walking back with them when he speaks up out of nowhere again, causing Jimin to choke.

“What were you and Mr. Min doing in the hallway?”

“You-You saw that?” Yoongi breaths out hoarsely.

“Ah, just, don’t tell anyone alright, sweetheart? If you promise not to tell anyone I’ll bring you a cookie tomorrow to give you at lunch time, okay?”

Yoongi glares at him with a ‘why the hell are you bribing a kid??’ look, but Jeongguk doesn’t notice, or care; he simply perks up and nods excitedly, a big smile on his face.

Jimin smiles back at him, “Good!”

They get back to the cafeteria and sit Jeongguk back at his table, walking towards an empty table afterwards and sitting down with a huge sigh of relief.

“Not to be that person, hyung, but I told you so.” Jimin giggles at his hyung’s affronted expression.

“Yah! Park Jimin you’re such a brat.”

“Mhm but I’m your brat.” He says quietly, a smug grin on his face.

Yoongi can’t help but look at him with that of pure adoration, “That you are.”

The next day at lunch time, Jimin and Yoongi walk into the cafeteria, Jimin with a large chocolate chip cookie in his hand. He’s about to walk over to Jeongguk when he notices that he’s not alone. No, he’s sitting with Kim Taehyung, and the two are talking and giggling and pointing at Jimin and Yoongi. Jimin’s eyes widen and he turns slowly to Yoongi, who’s completely oblivious to what’s going on.

“Um… hyung?” He whispers.

Yoongi turns to him, confusion etched onto his face, “What is it Jiminie?”

Jimin points to where the two boys are sitting and laughing, and Yoongi’s eyes go comically wide when he sees them still pointing at the pair, “You don’t think…”

Jimin nods solemnly, “I think we may have a problem hyung.”

Jimin pulls Yoongi into the hallway right outside the café and starts pacing back and forth, “What are we gonna do? Jin hyung is gonna kill us oh my god hyung, I’m too young to die.”

Yoongi grabs Jimin’s shoulders and turns the younger boy towards him, “Calm down Jiminie, you’re so dramatic, hyung isn’t gonna kill us. We just have to talk to Jeongguk and Taehyung and convince them not to tell anyone else.”

Jimin takes a deep breath and nods, “Y-you’re right hyung! We just need to talk to them.” He breaks away from Yoongi’s grasp and marches back into the cafeteria and towards the table that the two boys are occupying.

“Yah, Jeongguk, Tae, can Mr. Min and I talk to you outside, please?”

Both boys’ eyes widen and they nod robotically.

When they’re all outside, Jimin resumes his pacing for a moment before stopping in front of the two boys, kneeling down to be at eye level with them.

“Ah, Jeongguk, I thought we told you yesterday not to tell anyone, I even brought you the cookie I mentioned.”

Jeongguk looks down sadly, “I-I’m sorry Mr. Park-ssi, I just wanted to tell Tae Tae ‘cuz- ‘cuz we’re best friends like you and Mr. Min! So I thought it would be okay. I didn’t mean to make you angry. Can I still have the cookie please Mr. Park? I promise I won’t tell anyone else!”

Yoongi steps in, “Ah, me.. me and Mr. Park aren’t best friends Jeonggukkie, I- we’re boyfriends. Best friends don’t do what you saw me and Mr. Park doing usually.”

Jeongguk seems to consider this for a moment, “So.. could me and Tae Tae be boyfriends then?”

Taehyung perks up at the words, “Ooooh please pleasee can we be boyfriends Ggukkie?? Then- then I’d get to be both your best friend and your boyfriend.” He holds up two chubby fingers, “That would make you and me extra special because most people only have one!”

Jimin’s eyes widen and he hits Yoongi’s arm, “N-no! You guys can’t be boyfriends.”

Taehyung pouts, sticking his lower lip out, “But, why not? You and Mr. Min are boyfriends and it seems really cool and special! I wanna be boyfriends with Ggukkie too, right Gguk?”

Jeongguk nods excitedly, looking back and forth between Yoongi and Jimin, “Please Mr. Park and Mr. Min?”

Jimin shakes his head quickly, “No! Me and Mr. Min are boyfriends because we’re older. Once you and Taehyung are older like me and Mr. Min are, then you guys can be boyfriends if you still want to be.”

Jeongguk’s frown deepens but Taehyung faces Jeongguk with a bright boxy smile on his face, “It’s okay Ggukkie! We can be boyfriends later! I’ll still be your best friend though, right?”

Jeongguk nods, a small smile beginning to form on his face, “Of course Tae Tae! You’ll be my best friend forever and ever! I can’t wait ‘til we’re older though so we can be boyfriends too.”

Jimin sighs and stands up, taking the cookie out from his backpack, “Good, now that we got that settled, you two are allowed to go back to your table now.” He hands the cookie to Jeongguk, who takes it excitedly, “And remember, no telling anyone, okay?”

“Got it Mr. Park!” Taehyung yells as he drags Jeongguk excitedly back to their table to eat the cookie.

Once they’re out of sight, Jimin turns to Yoongi, a glare on his face, “I can’t believe you told them we were boyfriends! Hyung you could’ve made that so much worse than it was by doing that.” He frowns.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “But I didn’t, did I Jiminie?”

Jimin huffs, “Well, no, but-”

“Well then we’re okay, they won’t tell anyone, okay?”

Jimin frowns and crosses his arms over his chest, “You better be right about that, hyung.”

Yoongi was, in fact, notright about that. They walked in the next day to see Taehyung and Jeongguk sitting next to each other and holding hands.

Jimin pales and walked over to them, “Ah, Taehyung, Gguk, what.. what are you guys doing?” He’s not sure he’s ready for the answer.

Taehyung perks up and smiles big at Jimin, “After you and Mr. Min left us at the table, me and Ggukkie decided we wanted to tell out mommies and daddies that we were gonna be boyfriends when we were older.” Jeongguk nods excitedly next to him. Jimin pales more.

“What, um-”

“And, and our mommies said that- they cood ‘nd asked why we had to wait, so me and Tae Tae are boyfriends now!!”

“Mommy said that boyfriends hold hands ‘nd kiss on the cheeks ‘nd stuff too.” Taehyung says proudly and kisses a giggling Jeongguk’s cheek.

“So now we get to be super ex- extra special!” Jeongguk grins proudly.

Jimin feels like he’s gonna pass out, and Yoongi must sense that, because he comes and stands next to Jimin to take over, “Your- your parents… toldyou that you guys could be boyfriends?”

Taehyung nods, boxy smile taking over his face, “Yep! They cood and told us that it was super duper cute that we wanted to be boyfriends. They seemed shocked at first so I told them that I just wanted to be super best friends with Ggukkie cuz’ it would be more special ‘nd they started smiling and cooing ‘nd calling us cute!”

Jimin sighs in relief and smiles softly, “Well then I’m happy for you two then!”

Jeongguk blushes, getting shy all of a sudden, and hides his face in Taehyung’s neck.

Yoongi nearly dies at how cute the scene in front of him is and turns to Jimin to see his reaction, only to see the younger looking at him with love and adoration in his eyes.

Yoongi gives him the same look back.

The moment is ruined, however, when Yoongi sees Jin out of the corner of his eye, looking between Jeongguk and Taehyung and Jimin and Yoongi with an irritated look on his face.

Yoongi taps Jimin on the shoulder, “Uh, Jiminie, we might have a problem.” He points to where Jin is standing.

“Hm, what is it hyu-” He turns to look where his boyfriend is pointing and freezes when he sees his hyung’s expression.

“Oh God we’re so fucked.”

Once all the kids have gotten picked up, Jin silently motions for Jimin and Yoongi to follow him into his office, vlosing the door once all three of them are inside.

“Do either of you want to explain to me whyexactly Jeon Jeongguk and Kim Taehyung were holding hands??”

“A-ah, well you see Jin hyung, me and Yoongi may have possibly sorta gotten caught making out in the middle of the hallway by Jeongguk, who then told Taehyung. Then they uh… we- Yoongi explained to them that we were boyfriends but that they could be ‘cuz they’re too young, so uh, they told their parents that they were gonna be boyfriends when they got older, but they think that being boyfriends is just being best friends that hold hands and kiss each other on the cheeks, so they um… they got their parents blessing to be “boyfriends” and now they hold hands and stuff…”

Jin’s gaze softens and he lets out a sigh of relief when he hears that they aren’t actual boyfriends, which would be obsurd anyway since theyre 4 and 6 years old, but rubs at his temple anyway, “Aish, what am I supposed to do with you two?”

Yoongi grins sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck, “Not fire us, hopefully..?”

Jin rolls his eyes and shoos them away, “Get out of my office before I actually dostart to consider firing you two.” He says jokingly, chuckling to himself when the two boys’ eyes widen and they rush out of the office.

It’s the end of the summer, and the four couselors are sending their campers off to their parents sadly.

Jeongguk and Taehyung are two of the last campers to get picked up, Jeongguk sitting next to Taehyung, obviously tired, as the young boy is resting his head on Taehyung’s shoulder.

Jimin “aww”’s softly and watches them for a moment before Taehyung perks up and shakes Jeongguk awake when he sees his and his best friend’s parents walk through the door.

The two run to their respective parents and give them a hug.

They’re all about to leave together, when suddenly there’s two small bodies running towards Jimin and Yoongi, small arms trapping the two of them in a group hug.

Yoongi’s eyes widen in surprise before his face morphes into a soft expression and he’s hugging them back.

“I’m gonna miss you and Mr. Min, Mr. Park.” Taehyung sniffs, “We’ll be back next summer though, right Gguk??”

Jeongguk nods, a huge smile on his face.

The hug is over much to soon for Jimin’s liking. He’s gonna miss the two rascals a lot, no matter how much stress they gave him in the beginning of the summer.

Taehyung is running off again but Jeongguk stays a moment longer, staring at them with a look of indecision.

Yoongi is about to ask what’s wrong when Jeongguk opens his mouth to speak, “Thank you Mr. Min and Mr. Park.”

Then he’s running back to where his mom and Taehyung are, and the four of them walk out of the building and towards their cars, leaving Jimin and Yoongi staring after them in silence.

They both have soft smiles on their faces.

They return their name tags to Jin after the last kid leaves, then walk out to Jimin’s car, hands intertwined.

Neither of them can wait for the next summer, already excited about what the three months of camp will bring them.

ko-fi

[stopthepres]

“who’s texting you?”

doe shifts in closer in our lori’s booth to rest her head on my shoulder, using what looks like innocent affection to spy on a few incoming messages from cait. she huffs and rolls her eyes so i don’t even bother to respond, shoving my phone into my pocket to keep it away from her.

the last thing i need is her sending a pissed off response. she’s been known to hijack my phone when she’s unsatisfied with how i’m handling a conversation.

“she’s just being cait,” i explain, worried about a potential explosion. “it’s whatever.”

“it’s whatever?” doe lifts her head off my shoulder and reaches for my milkshake glass to slide it in front of her instead because she’s already finished hers. or maybe she thinks i don’t deserve to finish my own drink. “she’s being a total nightmare.”

“she’s your friend,” i remind her. i don’t understand the politics of how women work but i suspect it’s way more advanced than anything that happens between men. “you should probably be nice to her now that teddy’s all wifed up.”

“she should stop trying to talk to you when she knows we’re on a date.”  

“when she thinks we’re on a date.” i regret making this distinction immediately when i feel doe’s elbow make rough contact with my ribs. “hey, what the hell did i do?”

“you’re going to blow our cover!”

“literally nobody is listening to us right now.” sometimes i get the feeling doe thinks we’re on a really low budget reality show. or maybe she’s practicing just in case we ever get the offer from e! because they’ve run out of other stupid content. “plus,” i go on, booping the tip of her nose with my finger, “you already posted sappy anniversary stuff on both our accounts so mission accomplished, yeah?”

“that doesn’t mean romance is dead now, p.” doe knocks her shoulder against mine and then leans in to take a sip from my milkshake, making sure not to break eye contact with me. “we’ve been pulling this off pretty good. we don’t want to screw it up.”

we’ve been doing this fake dating thing for a month now. and a month may not seem like enough reason to pull out the anniversary word but me and doe don’t generally last beyond the first date with most people we meet. my dad is starting to latch onto the idea that this is my big chance at all the things i’ve been telling him for years i don’t want.

i still don’t want those things but doe and i celebrated our month long experiment with commitment anyways. for appearances mostly but it’s not like i’d ever turn down going to a cheesy skate rink and then coming to lori’s once our legs tired out. i fell so many times but doe always helped me back up again. there’s a metaphor in this but it’s lazy and we’re better than that.

my phone goes off again before i can say anything to doe’s complaining and her superhuman hearing notices it chiming in my pants. her eyes narrow and she shifts in closer but i scoot away to keep the same distance. “what are you doing?”

“is that her again?” she sounds ready to draw blood. “you need to check.”

“better yet, we can ignore her,” i suggest slowly. “or whoever it is.”

“has she been texting you a lot lately? i didn’t realize you two, like, gave a shit about each other.”

right about now i wish i could hit rewind to the moment during the corny couples skate when she guided me back against a wall to kiss me even though my legs threatened to slide out from underneath me. her mouth tasted like cherry coke and i couldn’t stop thinking about how badly i wanted to get my hands underneath her skirt. i have no idea how it’s possible for one person to drive me out of my fucking mind.

not always in a good way though. because right now we’re not making out. right now she’s glaring at me like i’ve wronged her even though she isn’t really my girlfriend. if this relationship actually existed, i still don’t see the problem with talking to somebody we’ve both known a long fucking time.

“why are you acting like this is a big deal?” i take my milkshake back and she rolls her eyes while making a show of turning her head away from me while crossing her arms. “all she does is ask about me and you 99% of the time so it’s harmless.”

“or she’s waiting for me to inevitably piss you off so she can be all cool girl about it and get you to want to fuck her instead.”

suddenly i feel stupid. why else would cait be so interested in what i have to say lately? she’s never paid much attention to me. there’s always been other guys to keep her distracted. or she straight up leaves the room within five minutes of me showing up half the time. doe’s made a lot of overdramatic accusations over the years but this one? this one makes sense.

“so you think she’s jealous?” i sound excited at the possibility this could be true and i immediately regret letting my voice squeak upward like that. i’m embarrassed by it, sure. it’s definitely the opposite of attractive. and yet the regret comes from knowing i will never hear the end of it if doe thinks i want cait to be jealous. that’s not part of the plan.

it’s getting harder to pin point why we’re doing all of this now that no other girl has shown interest in me since teddy’s wedding.

“why does it matter?” she finally turns back to me and i can feel how annoyed she is. that energy fucking radiates from doe. sometimes i think i can feel it clear across town when she purposely leaves my texts on read for hours than only sends a shrug emoji when she finally responds. “she’s not your type.”

“maybe i don’t have a type?”

“well, maybe you don’t have a girlfriend either.”

“…uh, right. i don’t.” and i laugh.

i laugh when i’m so nervous it’s hard to figure out what else to say. doe knows that but this is one of those moments when doe doesn’t care she knows me better than anybody else. it doesn’t matter she knows i laughed when my parents told me they were splitting up for good. i laughed when the counselor told me i might fail the eighth grade after missing too many days of school for reasons we really don’t need to get into right now. i laughed when i caught my college girlfriend cheating on me. i laughed when i got a pile of rejection letters from all the east coast schools i thought would get me out of here.

i laughed when we thought brady might be sick again. that was the worst one.

so i laugh when it hits me how insane it is i’ve been putting all my time into a fake relationship when someone like cait might potentially want me. yeah, i’m all about scaring off boring people but would it be the worst to find someone who genuinely wants me as a boyfriend?

it feels a lot like doe won’t ever be that person. if this is only a game, she’s never going to love me, right?

“right. you don’t.” she sounds so sure of it that my stomach somehow starts to digest the rest of my internal organs. “i’m not your girlfriend, preston. damn. sucks to be you! everything’s soooo hard for you. wow! spending all your time with me because of this! what a rough time for you.”

“oh my god, i never said any of that.” i laugh again. god, i need to stop letting that shit bubble up before i can stop it. “being with you all the time is actually really fucking easy doe. like, way easier than anything else in the world. it’s just-“

“just what?” doe sounds like she’s giving me challenge instead of posing a question and i’m not brave enough to meet her halfway.

i’m not ready to face why suddenly it feels easier to think about cait’s eyes and her laugh and how it felt the one time she moved a curl away from my forehead when i had a fever while doe was out of town with nate. fucking nate! how the hell did he get doe in a way i haven’t? where’s the freaking justice in that?

“just forget it,” i sigh, grabbing the copy of our check off the table and sliding out of the booth as fast as i can. “i’m gonna pay and we can bounce.”

she trails behind me mumbling god knows what, staring at her phone while tapping out messages that i’m sure are going to teddy or kat or whoever earned the privilege of dealing with her current state of rage. she leaves me alone to deal with the cashier and i find her standing by my car with her arms crossed again, leaning against the passenger side door.

“are you seriously mad at me?” i step in closer and she bites her lip when i tap the toe of my shoe against hers. “i’d, like, delete her number if you asked me to and that’s not even a joke. you know that. i’m fucking whipped.”

“i don’t know, sounds a lot like you’d happily trade me in.” she tilts her head back to look up at me, squinting like she’s trying to make sense of me for the first time ever, like she’s turned to a new page of one of those magic eye books she used to buy at book fairs. “what’s going on with you, raimi? you’re seriously wasting your time on cait when you’ve got me?”

i don’t have her though. that’s what’s making me crazy. that’s what makes cait appealing.

i can’t say that right now. i can’t say anything.

so i just laugh and spend the entire drive back to doe’s wondering if i should text cait back in the morning. 

[kpsandlcs]

Tour

3/2 - Drive To Columbus

I get off work and Aaron and I grab the van. At first look, surely it will fit everything...it has to. Aaron never falters in reassuring that things will work. In his mind, they always will. It helps. We get to Aaron’s and start loading. It’s gonna be tight, but we do what we can. We arrive to get Peter and he’s got many items. How the hell is this gonna work.

“Did you use the stowaway yet?”

What the hell is that? He says nothing and starts opening a hidden compartment underneath the feet of the back seats. Woah. We load that up and sure enough, we’re golden. Off to pick up Gabe. I’m in the driver’s seat feeling the immense weight of a fuckload of gear and 3 people in the car and am skeptical this thing will get us around.

We get Gabe and start going to Columbus. Another human’s weight. Aaron can’t guess Grizzly Bear’s Veckatimest until “2 Weeks” comes on, which is alright. We kill about an hour as I tell them what my day job really is.

“Isn’t it crazy that for the average user, credit card companies are just capitalizing on my money YOU ALREADY OWN?”

It’s a fucking dastardly-ass scheme.

We get 1.5 hours from Columbus and have enough gas to get home when Gabe says

“Are we gonna be stopping again?”

“No way! We have enough gas and it’s like 1am”

“Ahhh….ummmm I maaaay have tooooo ahhhh Urinate-oooo”

This becomes a theme. But the goofy and pleading delivery was too funny for me to not reward.

We arrive at the Hampton inn and the check-in person was like “y’just made it. Was about to be gone for a few hours.” We’re tired as fuck. We get to our room and fall asleep.

3/3 - To Ithaca

Tonight is our first show in Ithaca. I slept like shit. Peter woke up an hour early to fucking work out. We get a scrappy breakfast from the lobby and Aaron hands me a tea bag that says “I Love Lemon” on it.

“It’s a love letter.”

We get going. It’s icy and Ohio-y. Aaron is driving, which I’m glad for. Right as we get on the highway, Peter says

“Would anyone care for a gorp?”

That = grape.

We spend the ride trading the aux cable and me trying to sleep. We get to a patch of snow which makes me hella nervous but, again, Aaron doesn’t give a fuck. We stop in an upstate NY town that I forget the name of, but was classically upstate...one of those “main street” type towns. We get to a rest stop and this place was crazy...cracked stone floors and a grocery area in the back that had a lot of offerings, but seemingly just spilled out into the back storage/trash area, where there were relics of the distant past everywhere...cardboard cut outs, random furniture...separating the front and the back was an archway, and above it was an old “video rental” sign, but like all wooden and bulky, and dusty as fuck...It was like walking into an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, or something. Super unsettling.

We arrive in Ithaca and it’s all twilighty and pale pink sky and all that. We hit Wegman’s quick for dinner and Gabe talks about how the prices have doubled since he used to work there during high school. Peter roams around trying to find something to eat, because he’s on Whole 30. Perfect timing!

We get to the venue and start loading in. My keyboard stand “breaks.” Duct tape. (I later learn that all I needed was an allen wrench). I have a lot of history in this area - life changing concerts, day trips, hikes, food, sad escapes, past loves. I change into my Dan Deacon sweater which feels fitting. I’m dazed with a lack of sleep. My friend from Binghamton comes with a whole crew, which is much appreciated. The room fills up for the openers, which are intriguing experimental solo projects. Some college friends show up last minute before we start. The set was solid, but we ran into some sound issues and had to cut a lot of songs. I think we did alright, and people dug it. The whole crowd was intently watching, and laughing at every slight banterous comment I made. It felt like they were legit waiting to hear me all week.

I note that one of the songs I play is about someone in the room, but I had yet to see her.

I go to sell merch. My college friends who I haven’t seen in 6 months - didn’t really get to relax with them, as we need to tear down shortly after, and not to mention it’s late and they gotta get to their place too. This ends up being what always happens - tour is work. There are not many free moments outside of the car.

Someone asks me to sign their CD, a friend reveals she’s been listening to my EP on repeat, and someone nervously compliments me and mentions the music video. Woah.

It’s time to tear down so we have to go down these narrow stairs with everything and load our van which is in an alley and has the neighboring bar employees yelling at us to leave. We can’t get the damn van packed, though. It’s being a bitch. We finally get it after much stress.

Peter and I split off to get to the place we’re staying, which is the house of someone I know who is not there. Thusly, we don’t know his roommates. We park semi far away and lug heavy shit to the door. Knock. Nothing. Call my friend. Nothing. I knock on the door of the lower apartment and get a helpful young dude, who says I should just go right in. So I do. There is a dude standing atop the stairs looking confused.

“Hey, I’m Jesse - Does Remanu live here?”

“Uh….”

Someone else comes by.

“Hey, um, hi, what the hell is this? Why are you knocking at 11 and just coming right into our house? We don’t know you? What are you doing?”

Tired as fuck, nervous, and already shaken up, I just start stumbling to explain myself before he cuts me off-

“OH I’M JUST KIDDING WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE GET ON UP HERE! MI CASA ES SU CASA”

Wow.

We get upstairs and start unloading when a tenant starts enthusiastically talking to me.

“I was at the show! It was so cool!! It seems like you have a great following!”

Nope - just had an alright crowd that Ithaca Underground is good at catering to. But I learn that the narrative spawned by things like this is as good as your image, whether or not the story’s there.

The house is classically Ithacan. “Free condoms” jar in the bathroom. Plants everywhere. Tribal woodworking on the walls. “Capitalism is a pyramid scheme” poster on the wall. Welcoming attitude.

As Peter and I lay on the air mattress, I say

“I’m glad this is your first experience here, because this house is literally an Ithaca museum.”

3/4 - Ithaca -> Syracuse

I wake up to the view of snow lightly falling, and it was unusual how fearful I became of it as it took new meaning for this trip where I am underprepared and need to travel hundreds of miles. This is obviously at odds with my initial delight and feelings of home - Tennessee certainly has weakened my capacity for snow and the cold - making me a creature I swore I’d never become.

I’m off to meet an old friend for brunch -

“Hi so I am house sitting as well as dog sitting and the heat is broken and the dog is shivering, so I can’t leave him here. But also it’s not really comfortable to be at this house because it’s cold. So why don’t I take the dog to my house and we can make breakfast? But I don’t have eggs. So how about you get eggs on the way? But also I don’t really have coffee. So maybe you should also get coffee on the way?”

This is exactly what happens.

I set out in my fucking boat shoes (glorified socks) in inches of snow and am slipping all the way down the front stairs of the mysterious house. I finally get my bearings and am greeted to the classic Ithaca - the same open minded and welcoming place that it never fails to be. A man snow blowing says good morning. Students mill about. I stop in the Green Star which is a fair trade sort of grocery store. I help a delivery man get his stock cart into the store. “Thank ye much, sir.” I get my coffee and local eggs. I arrive at my friend’s house. She pulls up in a car and leads out a tiny dog wrapped in a red sweater. Holy fuck.

We go upstairs and after undressing the dog he immediately curls up in the sunlight of the window.

“His name is Peabody.”

WHAT

We go to the kitchen to make pancakes and eggs and get to talking about basically what happened over the past 6 years and how we’ve both felt a lot of damage and successes and how different we are now.

“Why weren’t you at the show? I played a song about you.”

“Well. I was curled up with Peabody because it was so cold last night, and we were watching TV, and…I fell asleep. And then I woke up at 9pm being like “fuck, there’s no way I can make it now.”

The song is called “Asleep.”

“You can hold this over me for like 1.5 years, it’s warranted.”

The thing is I wrote a whole album about this person in 2012 and I spent that last 5 years trying to get her to listen to it, and she wouldn’t.

Breakfast is delish, and we reminisce a lot about what it was like dating each other long ago. It’s really something how unprepared and ignorant I was at the time, but this is something I already have severely grappled with. It’s really quite good to have such an uninhibited conversation with someone so key to your life/past. It’s like being able to revisit era-specific weaknesses and moments in a tactile way.

Peter comes to pick me up in the van. I ask if he wants to meet Peabody. He says yeah, but doesn’t like small dogs. Whatever…

She hugs me bye. Peter and I go to pick up Gabe.

“What’s the best way to Syracuse?”

“Through Cortland. It’s like a place where everybody’s aggressively trying to mate with each other.”

Me: “And they’re all judges.”

Peter: “And they all love tennis.”

“Yeah. It’s a city of court judges courting each other on tennis courts.”

We get to Syracuse and my college friends await me. We go to armory square and snack/drink. Our waitress is a girl I TA’d 3 years ago. Insane.

We go back to my friend Jay’s apartment, which is where I stayed during that whole Utica deal last september. It feels similar, which is awesome. We’re drinking beer and eating burritos and laughing really hard. It’s time to load in down the street, so we get going.

The room is small, but works, and the crowd is paying a lot of attention. Show goes really great, especially with Jay on back-up vocals. I step outside to hang with my college friends. My one friend who’s helped direct the art of most of my past albums all of a sudden realizes that I just played next door to The Westcott theater, where he and I saw Reptar, Rubblebucket, and most importantly - Dirty Projectors.

“Shit, this is the Westcott? It’s been here the whole time?”

He gets wrecked realizing that we’ve literally been sharing a wall with one of the most important spots of our friendship and artistic development. All of those concerts rocked our worlds.

Peter and Gabe split off to Jay’s, Aaron and I split off to his house. On the way over, we talk about how touring is a real test of teamwork, and every bullshit ‘training’ and ‘seminar’ in school and jobs has never offered a real application of those skills such as it has been.

3/5 - Sunday in Binghamton

Wake up to a good ol’ family breakfast at Aaron’s. Peter and Gabe join shortly after. We eat and decompress before heading down to Binghamton. Snowy and sunny, it feels Hella Home-y. We arrive in Binghamton and hell is it dreary/sad. Everything is dulled, everything is grey, and it feels like nobody's around. We catch up with Eddie, who is hosting the show at his house, which is actually a commune that holds classes, dinners, and is a general stayover for nomadic types that need it. He leads us to the loft above ihs garage where we will play...it’s really nice. Wall outlets all over the place, nice carpeting. We load in early so all we have to do is set up, night of.

I drop off Peter and Aaron at Cyber West to get work done - Gabe and I drive to Target to get a “Quickie Blank Blank?” and pizza at Mario’s, listening to rap on the way obviously. I ran into a family friend in Target. Talk to the new owner of Mario’s while eating real pizza...Nashville pizza...just no.

We grab some beer and the Cyber boys and get to Eddie’s and set up.

“Hey, if no one shows up, we can just chill with some wine.”

But people DO show up. 35 to be exact. 35 people came to this weird garage hippie loft to see us play on a depressing as icy Binghamton Sunday night while the DORMS ARE CLOSED. It felt like a weird judgment day, where various people from pockets of my past all congregated in agreement. I knew everyone, but most didn’t know each other. I actually made a ton of money on merch that night. I spent like 40 minutes talking to everyone before they cut away. Shortly after, a member of the collective (the house) comes up to the now empty room, and says

“Gentlemen.”

He procures a small white rod.

“The band spliff.”

We all look at each other. None of us, at this point, have been keeping up with smoking in our lives.

“I’m sorry dude, we’re all too nerdy and responsible to partake.”

“Seriously? Really? Even for the road?”

“Ah...I can’t keep it in the van, it’s a rental. I feel terrible man. We’re all too lame and nerdy. But I realize this is considered GOLD to many a band. Thank you so much.”

We were too fucking responsible to smoke weed on tour.

After the show Eddie shows us his surprisingly sophisticated mushroom farm, which is essentially falling apart as he explains it to us. But, nothing he can’t control, nothing he hasn’t seen before, and nothing he can’t patch up.

On the way out, everyone in the living room is warm. Eddie and I chat about his future plans and current evaluation of self as we lock the door to the loft. The band and I head to my former neighbor’s house to have a v comfy night of sleep.

3/6 - New Yolk

We get up and cut down to Manni’s, which is in the square of the neighborhood I grew up in. Fresh made donuts, EVERY day. We get a half dozen of all sorts of flavors and Gabe and Aaron and I split them all, savoring every detail as Peter drove and probably gritted his teeth knowing Whole 30 would keep him from this hometown DELIGHT.

We have a long conversation about respect, friendships, dating, and these 3 boys really bolster my self confidence and self-respect.

As we get closer to the city:

Peter: “Alright man. Start playing like, New York songs.”

??

Peter: “Like Empire State of Mind and Billy Joel and stuff.”

Peter: “Someone honked!! *HONKS* Hey fuck you!! ...I love this city.”

We get a perfect spot for load in. We all split off to see respective people. I eat edamame/avocado toast in an assuming brooklyn cafe, and drink an americano.

Jay, from Syracuse earlier, comes to meet me. We post up in one of his favorite taprooms in Bushwick. We catch up on lots of things, musical and life-wise. An old mutual friend and continued collaborator shows up-he’s been engineering the Modern Instincts songs. Revelry continues.

We make our way to a vegan diner and the conversations continue.

“Yeah, well really spot mic-ing a quartet, it’s more there for body and leveling purposes, but the overheads dominate that tone, really”

Jay’s gonna sing tonight again.

We start loading in and MUAH this venue is everything I dream of playing. The front bar is golden, ornate. The stage is fairly elevated, and the wall behind is plastered in clippings of ANY kind - news, or softcore porn. When the wall stops, an industrious black guard railing protects the open end of the stage. Skeeball machines, photo booth. The sound guy is so easy to work with, and so good.

The place starts packing, and soon enough I’m looking out to a huge room of people - we fucking DESTROYED that place. We play our last song - Thinking In English (an old one,) which is easily the peak of the set. Enormous cheer. The mains start playing change-over music, when we start to hear ‘BA-SIC PRIN-TER *clap, clap, clapclapclap’, and the sound guy lowers the main. A fucking encore. On our first tour.

We don’t have another song, and we need to give the time to Quail Turret. But damn, that was the best.

I spend the rest of the night loving all of my friends, selling merch. I settle up with everyone - the booker is nice as hell. The sound guy said we were of the top tier bands he’s seen in his 1.5 years working there. The door girl asks if we need a place to stay. Man, what a success.

Peter and I head to my friend’s house and we settle in to sleep on his floor. I count the money from the past 4 days and look through the pictures so far. Never felt so cozy on a couch before.

3/7 - Philly

Rainy in Brooklyn. Peter and I solve a puzzle of getting the van, going up and down 4 flights with different heavy things, and making sure the auto-locking door doesn’t fuck up our whole charade while loading.

We get the other boys and get a ways out of the city before stopping in one of those ‘all in one’ rest stops. Coffee and chapstick. We congregate at the front doors on our way out.

Peter: “This would be a good place to buy a watch.”

I turn my eyes to see a tiny glass case with your typical array of luxury brand watches. Armani, Rolex. I look at Peter. His face is totally normal.

Aaron and I have always done this thing, but it got exacerbated on this tour, where we would misread signs with liberal exaggeration on the syllables.

Mcdonalds, Subway, Sbarro.

“Look, this stop has MOME-DONSON, a SRABAWOONI, and a SUH-BARRR AR AR ARHHH AH...:”

We drive to Philly. I put on Swing Lo Magellan because it’s warming up. We talk about musicianship. We talk about musicianship every car ride, and it’s amazing how much it evolves day to day for me, because I learn so much every day.

We drop Aaron and Peter off to do work/meet up with family, while Gabe and I go to get Cheesesteaks. Gabe does NOT pull his pants down. We wander into a bar that I realize I tried to book to pee. We get cash, and cheesesteaks, and laugh. Then we get blindsided by an ice cream craving. So we go near Fishtown and get icecream.

And then we go to this record store which is hella sad. I go to the back, and it’s all dusty and yellow. Though, I do find a Kyle Fisher record which I thought was super weird. It was like, new, amidst all of the standard used-record leftovers you always find. It kinda made me sadder.

Some pretty good music is on, like this really tasteful blend of 70’s psych americana stuff, like that smoky Doors stuff or the more stoic Beatles moments like Norwegian Wood. I talked to guy at the desk, and he told me who it was, but I already forgot. But he had a lot of real things to say about it, and clearly cared a ton, which lightened it up for me.

Gabe and I step outside and I ask him if he was bummed out at all? Tour downtime felt really stale to me. You get to this city you barely know and feel incredibly small all of a sudden, and then I guess the massive drop in relative energy it causes can put the lowlights on display.

Gabe: “Not really, I dunno dude. You’re depressing me!”

Paraphrased, and he says it with a flimsiness - he’s perfect for keeping the tour light and funny.

We get to the venue and start to load in. Up some narrow ass stairs...get to the venue. Tiny, all wooden. Wooden everything. The sound guy is a BAID-ACE (badass). Extremely positive, efficient, helpful, quick. There’s nowhere to store gear in this place. We’re basically shoving all of this shit in this 1 x12 foot (no joke) space behind the DJ booth. Which is literally the worst case scenario for gear storage.

One artist is Skeleton Lipstick - a delirious electro boy. I talk to him and ask him if he likes Tobacco, whilst in my Tobacco shirt. He does love Tobacco. We reference interviews we’ve read.

Stage is tiny, but we fit alright, and I kinda liked the feel of it.

Sound guy - “I’ll letcha know when you’ve got two left!”

Oh yeah, the person we’re staying with - she’s the inspiration for one of my songs. She shows up as we play our first tune. We get to this part where we do a transition between two songs. After the second, sound guy lets us know we have just one left. I play the song about her to close it. The songs ends in a fully distorted 1 minute synth solo, then just cuts off.

“I wanted to let you know you had two, but you jumped right into your next one!” It’s okay, sound guy. You were awesome.

We load out, which sucks. I meet up with namesake girl, and our mutual friend. She doesn’t appear to know what to say, which is fair. If someone showed up to my town to blast a dramatic orchestral synth-ballad with my name as the chorus in my face, I wouldn’t know what to do, especially in front of my friends who might not know the whole story. We’re sleeping at her place later.

The final band plays, and Gabe and I drink our discounted PBRs. I get barely tipsy and he asks if I’m drunk. For the tour, probably the drunkest I’d been, which is ‘not that.’

The really dickish door guy comes up to settle with me. Gives me this nicely written breakdown, and the payout, which is honestly not so bad. But the production fee was mega high, mostly to include the ‘promoter.’ Promoter? The guy that made the FB event page? I’m thinking so. Hella side eye.

We get outta there and get to the place we’re staying. Namesake girl comes out to help us in. She lives above like, an ethnic gift shop, I believe. Maybe it was a tattoo parlor. I forget, but it was a kitschy place of business. And in a way, you had to like enter the business to get to the stairs that lead to her place.

We get up there and we’re all sitting around and visiting for a moment, which is nice. It hadn’t happened too often at our overnights yet, so it was cool to actually have a moment of hanging out. We tell stories. No one talks about the show.

The girls turn in upstairs, and the band and I are all laying down for bed now. At this point we started doing this thing. There’s this band we played with a long while back called Noelle Tannen and the Filthy No-Nos. At the time, I kept forgetting the latter half of the name, so I picked a random filler. Like Noelle Tannen and the Green Tigers, or something. So I brought it up, and we started doing it again, for like an hour. It devolved into this super weird place.

Noelle Tannen and the stupid idiot morons.

Noelle Tannen and a couple of chairs.

Noelle Tannen and that 5th pocket they advertise on jeans, that you’re like, where the hell is it? And then you realize it’s the little pocket made for keys or whatever INSIDE of the main right pocket

So like it’s Noelle Tannen but, you walk in and there’s a huge draft and you realize you forgot to wear socks, so you put some on and it’s a bit better.

3/8 D-Ceptive

We wake up. More Noelle Tannen for like an hour. We gather our shit, and shower. I neaten up the blankets and put a note on it

“Thanks so much for letting 4 weird boys stay. Let us know if we can ever help in Nashville. Good luck with flipping cigarettes and jet lag.”

Texts,

“I hope it was more good than weird to hear a song about you.”

“Definitely a first. But good”

We stop at this cafe which is surprisingly good. I feel my throat starting to get scratchy. We talk about Aldi. Also, prior, we went into an Aldi and were like what the fuck, EVERYTHING is a knock off...and the graphic design is SO close to the original.

We get the hell outta Philly. We get 30 minutes from DC when Gabe has to pee. We pull off. First gas station we go to has no bathroom. We got to the 7/11. No bathroom. Where the hell does anyone URINATE on this street, then? We go to the McDonald’s up the street. Gabe gets a full big mac combo. He’s also been driving. Aaron makes a joke so funny that I drop my keys in the McDonalds.

We go to a suburb north of DC, and it’s amazing how robust and corporate even this suburb feels. Still plenty of tall buildings. We catch up with one of Gabe’s best friends, who’s now living here. When he has to go, Gabe and I explore a bit while Peter and Aaron do work. Metallic silver ball installation art. We come across this brewery and get a pseudo dinner and beers. Spice Girls comes on...Gabe and I have our longest heart to heart yet.

Additionally, 3/8/2017 will be forever known as Ass Wednesday.

My throat is still scratchy and I’m getting mucusy. Fuck. I have 3 more days to sing.

We reconvene, I’m feeling like Philly again, except this one’s weirder. DC’s vibe is so strange. Philly felt like, at least dingy and like you could grab hold of some of it. DC just felt like, immovable. Impossible to influence.

We get to the venue which is this teensy cramped slab inside of this bustling strip. There’s a neon sign they don’t light at any point. More narrow ass stairs. We get to the top and it is tiny - stage is an alright size, though...it’s dirty as fuck, there’s stickers everywhere. And it’s DARK as hell. It’s hard to make out anything a few feet in front of you - like the merch for example. Not that anyone’s buying. The sound guy - I can barely understand what he’s saying. I get none of the information I need without my deliberate asking. Weird to me.

The opening band plays and they were dope as hell! And they liked us a lot too. At least we got them out of this night. I hope to stay in touch with them.

It’s clear no one’s really gonna show. I ended up drawing 6 people though, which is honestly a lot! And originally it was going to be 8, but two couldn’t make it. That’s a lot more than my Philly draw. It’s a shame that the night had to be such a dud, because I felt I pulled my weight.

Peter’s amp light wouldn’t turn on, my keyboard died towards the end of the set, and my throat was scratchy. We did all right. Tear down is a bitch because we can’t see anything.

The sound guy has to ask me to tell the sound guy he’s ready to cash out. Lotta self efficacy, here. I go up and he’s legitimately laying down on his back...for real, no one could be bothered.

$10!

We get to my friend’s where we’re staying...parking is a major bitch. Crowded as hale. It’s nice to see my friend again, and we talk about Dirty Projectors and Delicate Steve.

3/9 - Long Drive To Sanctuary

We get up early because my friend has to catch a bus. We gather our shit and are all carrying respective piles of that shit down a block and a half to the van...7 hour drive ahead of us. My only stipulation is that we listen to Bitte Orca, because it’s sunnier than when I put on Swing Lo Magellan. To me that’s obviously how it goes.

As we exit DC, I see it in this totally different light...Regal. Robust. Shining, golden! Ornate. It’s all cramped, and there’s all this architecture, and all these embassies all lined up and neighboring each other, flags everywhere...as we leave, we cross an enormous white bridge, passing elegant statues. It was quite the changeup.

We stop at a Wegman’s in Woodbrige, which is contained in this shopping center, which felt so odd...sterile...like the buildings were just a little too big, and too clean - too separated from humanity. And the way the sun shone on everything, it was like a page from one of those I Spy books. This is something I think about all the fucking time and severely colors my mind, so the I Spy thing makes a ton of sense to me. Would love to know if you get what I mean, here.

We get going to Charlotte, and yes, put on Bitte Orca - we also listen to a ton of Flying Lotus, the new Thundercat, and Hiatus Coyote.

We arrive at my parent’s town house, which is in a development. We sit on the couches as a golden sunlight peers through the main window, and I think we all felt pretty tranquil.

We FEAST at Mario’s.

We get to the venue, which is definitely the diviest one yet. It’s just a scant bar with some rugs in the corner and a PA. Hella broken tiles outside the bathroom.

The opener cancels 15 minutes after he was supposed to show. Yeah. Quail Turret’s filling in.

The second band plays, I booked them because I was really diggin their album. They brought a handful of people that stood right around the perimeter of their setup and lightly head-nodded, which I thought was neat. They were good too.

We played to a bunch of my family, which is always weird. I cut the song Ironface out because I thought it would be too slow/emotional for them. E-Slow-Tional.

Door girl pays out really well! And the sound guy takes a new excitement when he says “Hey guys, definitely hit us up if you want to do it again!”

...we probs won’t

3/10 - End

We stir awake. Dad makes huge breakfast...so good. We hang out with my fam a bit, and I feel like I’m too listless to connect. It’s been a theme lately, but I guess I’ve always kind of been like that, too.

We hit Mario’s before we head to Hendersonville to get like, 3 pizzas, a salad, espressos and San Pellegrinos to go. Yeah. My dad gives us all a tour of the massive kitchen. I step out of the back door for a sec while the other guys are checking it out. I’m in like the trash room outside basically, which has an open ceiling...sun is leaking in over the edges. Thing about driving and sleeping in close quarters with 3 dudes all the time is that you don’t realize that you’ve literally had no alone time for days and days.

We get going to Hendersonville.

“What kind of heavy shit do you like?”

I put on Treats by Sleigh Bells.

We get to Hendersonville, and it’s this adorable little one road mountain town. We stop in this music store, which Peter gets willingly stuck in as he talks guitars with the old dudes. Aaron and Gabe and I come across a timbale which was hilarious to us for reasons too stupid and long to explain.

We find the coffee place we’re playing in, and it’s really cool. The point person let us know the deal and pretty much said it was gonna be dead tonight, but we could do whatever we want and call it a night an hour early.

We set up, which takes a while

“Woah...you guys have a lot of gear.”

The thing about this show is that I told the booker we were like a full out band, and he was all -yeah yeah, do you want this show or not?

We set up and it is EMPTY. I drink a free white russian and eventually a high end wine. We end up just chilling and drinking fancy teas/coffees/alcohol as per show payment. We play all of the BP songs either like half as loud or half as fast...it was pretty trippy to try out.

“Man, I’m sorry we didn’t bring anyone out. What did you guys agree on for payment over the email?”

I tell him.

“Oh….”

“What, is that way too high?”

“No, way too low…”

He pays us extra, and buys a tank top. We end up making more than philly and DC combined. How ironic that this little coffee shop in the middle of nowhere is the place that believes it’s up to THEM to bring out people...any other venue proper is pretty dickishly strict about saying “the only reason people come is if you bring people out, so all promotion is on you.” Lot of merit to the ideology, and also a lot of bullshit...if you own a venue, it’s also up to you to make sure you get some business, if you want to stay open.

We have a long drive through the night to get to Nashville, and Peter asks me what’s next for BP. So we talk about it for like 1.5 hours and it’s super energizing, and amazing how new my perspective has become on music in the past week.

I don’t think an illustrious ending is needed here. Tired and agitated, we rush the fuck home and drop everyone off.

Thanks for reading, please feel free to reach out to me.