#like whats that meme. “and that feeling was friendship”? they would think they were experiencing romantic feelings and die

[official-nina-hopkins]

Just had a vision. The "Ah, yes. Me. My girlfriend. And her 500 dollar dollar four foot tall mareep" but it's The Usual Suspects so it's like "Ah yes. Me. My best friend, his other best friend, and My other best friend", pov is Reynauld btw

[thedarkfiddler]

I fucking miss blaseball, and I think the worst part is that for me it wasn't about the blorbos I can keep writing and reading about, but it was about being part of a community that was constantly experiencing that sense of discovering something new. Every time I sat down to watch a game or briefly check the Discord between class it was some new funny play or a new score for the sclorigami or a new wild betting strategy or a new meme for election propaganda. And even if I was caught up, without fail somebody would wake up and walk in asking "wait, we got Inky back?" or "since when is Logan a batter?" or whatever and we all got to relive the experience by telling it again.

And with the sim dark there's no new moments. Nothing new to discover. The same old moments being passed back and forth, occasionally with a new coat of paint or something.

I wish we'd get a final livestream talking about the plans for the rest of the Coronation Era and maybe things like the Expantion Investigation, the Baristas, and all of that. Both for a bit of closure and one last show of "oh wait what that's wild we are al love blaseball".

I like the people I met during blaseball, Magic will always be a part of me, but I didn't form a lot of close friendships, honestly. It was always about the feeling of being in a room where we were all looking at the same weird piece of art and catching people up when they joined in, so without the art it's more like awkwardly standing around making small talk.

I just... miss blaseball a lot, man.

[quordleona03]

bj/hawkeye and/or klinger/mulcahy for the ship ask meme

Okay! BJ Hawkeye - Do I Ship It?

don't all shout at once but I

Don’t Ship It

1 Why don't you ship it?

Glad you asked! BJ is in love with Hawkeye. BJ thinks Hawkeye is absolutely the bees' knees, the funniest, cleverest, bestest person BJ's ever met. BJ adores Hawkeye, loves getting Hawkeye's attention, sometimes in really awful pigtail-pulling ways, and he really means it when he calls to Hawkeye "I'll see you back in the States! I promise!" even though BJ is going back to California and Hawkeye is going back to Maine, literally opposite corners of the US - at a time when transcontinental plane flights were not as common as they are now. BJ means it. The onlyr reason BJ wouldn't walk to Maine is because he's got a motorbike. BJ stole a jeep to get Hawkeye out of trouble and organised the Red Party to cheer Hawkeye up.

Of course you can ship Hawkeye with BJ. You can ship Hawkeye with anyone. Hawkeye loves BJ, from the soles of his size-12 feet to the the top of his blond military-clipped hair. Hawkeye flirts with BJ (but then Hawkeye flirts with everyone). Hawkeye is devoted to BJ: he'd organise a party in New York from Korea to cheer him up, surreptitiously tape BJ talking about his day to throw him an anniversary party.

But I read BJ as heterosexual. As very heterosexual. And I believe him when he's committed to staying faithful to his wife. I also believe Hawkeye when - except for Carlye, who's a special case (as in, their relationship predated her marriage) - he really doesn't try to get off with married women - or men.

I find their relationship much more interesting to contemplate as a straight man experiencing a wartime crush - which grows into a genuine friendship - on Hawkeye: who loves BJ because BJ is easy to love, and BJ is there - and Hawkeye needs to have people to love and look after. While Hawkeye is sexually attracted to BJ: but this would never mean, for Hawkeye, that he would be exclusively sexually fixed on someone who wasn't sexually attracted to him, or exclusively love only BJ.

Nor do I think they'd ever have become friends outside of the particular situation they were in. BJ's best friend from college is a mean practical joker who Hawkeye hates: Hawkeye's best friend was a Communist writer who joined as an enlisted man to write about the war from personal experience. BJ loves playing practical jokes - sometimes fairly nasty ones - on people, including Hawkeye. (One of my areas of speculation is whether BJ plays practical jokes on Peg - or what happened when he did.)

And there's a strange and consistent thread of resentment running through this: BJ admires Hawkeye but he gets angry when he thinks Hawkeye thinks he's better than BJ. BJ is a competitive person who is accustomed to easily being the best (or one of the best) - he accuses Hawkeye of being competitive and liking the spotlight when he can't handle feeling that he's been so easily put into second place.

Hawkeye was in love with and living with Carlye for 18 months, not long before he was drafted. If Carlye hadn't left him, if Hawkeye had finished residency, got a secure job in a hospital, and he and Carlye had got married and Carlye had got pregnant - then Hawkeye would have been drafted to Korea as a married man with a baby at home. He might not have struggled as hard as BJ to stay faithful to Carlye - but when he talks about BJ as a husband with a wife and baby at home, I think there's an undercurrent of unvoiced, maybe unexamined envy, because that could have been him - so nearly was.

BJ and Hawkeye have a weird, tangled, emotionally prickly relationship combining love and resentment, admiration and anger, that makes for wonderful stories that I love reading - even if I don't believe the two of them would ever be lovers.

2. What would have made you like it?

I do like it! I just don't believe it.

To make BJ and Hawkeye work in Korea, you have to set up either Peg knows and approves, or Peg knows and accepts, or Peg doesn't know and BJ has decided that if he's only unfaithful to her with a man this doesn't count. (Or of course fridge Peg or have Peg divorce BJ, but those are drastic options.)

To make BJ and Hawkeye be together after Korea, you have to have Peg accepts Hawkeye as the third in their marriage - and Hawkeye is willing to accept this role: BJ and Peg divorce: or again, fridge Peg, which I cannot as a writer or a feminst approve of.

All of these things are doable and credible. Good writers have made me enjoy them, if not quite believe them. But the alteration to circumstances is required to make it happen.

3. Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it?

BJ/Hawkeye stories, at their best, are cute, angsty, funny, full of fragile emotions and emotional discomfort and unwelcome self-discovery, and I have read and adore many of them.

[parallelroutes]

For the 100 prompts meme thing - [one muse is oblivious to the other’s feelings for them]

[ ty for sending! i just didn't want to reblog the whole thing lmao. 1510 words ahaha... ]

---

Byakuran is always biased toward people who aren't afraid to challenge him, but this is absurd.

The sweets shops were only the beginning. Food tour, the shops, the attractions. Haru-chan has shown him around so many places in Namimori by now that he's sure more than half the population knows them. Them and their unlikely friendship… they're probably local celebrities by now.

Sometimes, Byakuran thinks about what he'd be able to show her too. There's a lot of places he's convinced she'd like, things he knows she'd love to do… but they're just friends. He can't. He's not even sure how he could return any of this sentiment in the first place without potentially causing discomfort. It's so weird caring about what someone thinks, but here he is.

Japanese culture has so many customs he's never experienced until now. He also never has cared what other people think of him. If he ever does bother, it's only because he's intending to stay in Namimori for a long time. If he leaves a bad impression, it'll be harder to interact with people who remember it. And especially for Haru-chan's sake - he wouldn't want to cause her any trouble by association.

But… deep down, that's not really the point.

In a country almost everyone seems happiest blending into a crowd, he stands out. Byakuran is himself and will never change that just to fit in. Him and his tattoo, his spiked collar, rips in his clothing, safety pins, then there's Haru-chan in everything and anything cute. The difference is incredible no matter how one looks at it.

Even then, she doesn't mind, doesn't judge him at all even when everyone else does. She actively enjoys spending time with him, enough to keep meeting him so much, and of course that's mutual.

Not that everything is mutual. Even if she likes him for him, it wouldn't go any further, would it?

'I want to be closer to Haru-chan.' Byakuran doesn't know what to do with that thought, but it's there. They see each other all the time so he doesn't need to miss her and her face, her voice, her energy, her bouncy steps, strong will, her— everything. It's very obviously a crush at minimum, but they're unlikely friends, nothing else.

Maybe he shouldn't project his own assumptions onto her, he knows, but he can't help it without knowing what it would be like if they went any other direction… even though he wishes it would. She already deals with so many people with romantic interest, he's sure, but nothing happens. It seems unlikely that would change, even if it's someone she knows well.

At the same time, why does he have no chance? Maybe there is one and he just doesn't believe it. Who knows? It might help to get it out anyway. He doesn't have anything to lose, does he? Or would she be uncomfortable knowing someone she meets all the time feels like this about her?

Hmm… then maybe it'll take some thought. The delivery matters if he wants the point to come across properly… but he doesn't have enough direct experience, even through all the lives he partially remembers. It might help to get some tips from someone who's been in this situation. Is there someone he knows that's been through this before? He'd rather not ask the internet for advice if he can help it, so… oh!

Gamma-kun was madly in love with Uni-chan's mother before, but nothing ever happened between them. Perfect. He'd have at least a few thoughts, whether he shares them with Byakuran or not.

Right now, he needs to finish the shopping trip. Gotta stand up, stretch, get out of his thoughts, toss the cup, somehow focus on making an outfit…

---

That night, he lounges on his bed with his phone and stares at his list of contacts, scrolling slowly through people who he doesn't see the point keeping in touch with. Gamma's not even in the G list, even though he distinctly remembers trading numbers before he moved. Where would he be, then… oh! The special characters section, probably. Yep, there's Gamma's Greek letter.

And yet, his finger still hovers over the phone icon. He's not sure he'll get an answer between the timezones and that Gamma would know who's calling, but… well, it's worth a try. Deep breath. Here goes nothing.

Huh. There's only two rings before the call is picked up. "Byakuran. What do you want?"

"Hey, Gamma-kun. Do you have a sec?"

"The Princess is busy. She'll answer her phone later." Gamma comes to an understandable but incorrect conclusion.

Byakuran chuckles. "Don't be like that. It's actually you I want to talk to."

"Then what is it?"

Can't start with the point, obviously. He has to give a little context first. "So you love Uni-chan, right?" He grins, knowing exactly how this will go over.

He can almost hear Gamma gritting his teeth. "Get that notion out of your head right now, Byakuran. Princess may be the boss's daughter, but it doesn't mean I'm in love with her the same way."

"That's what I want to ask about. You were in love with Aria in a romantic sense. Right?"

Gamma hesitates. "… Why do you want to know that? What is this about?"

Just for a moment, Byakuran hesitates too. "What was it like?"

Silence from the other end of the line. He didn't think very hard about what to ask before calling, did he?

He continues with a different question. "Did you ever tell her how you felt?"

"No." Gamma's answer is instant. "My loyalty is more important than my emotions."

"Everyone probably knew, though." Byakuran can't resist a little teasing to lighten his own mood at Gamma's expense.

"— So you called just to make fun of me?!" There we go.

"Don't be so hasty, Gamma-kun." Again, Byakuran laughs. It's amazing how much better he feels after messing with someone, especially in a situation like this. What he's opening up about is probably a less irritating topic now. "I'm calling because I think I'm in the same situation and need some advice."

Pause. "You're telling me you're in love." A blunt statement, not a question.

"Hey, don't say it so loud. I don't want anyone else to know."

Gamma seems to have relaxed after the switch in topic. "I'm not the one to ask for this kind of advice. I have no interest in dating. I never have and I never will."

Did he expect Byakuran to listen? "You still know what it's like, don't you? Wasn't it hard to spend time with someone you love so much knowing there will never be anything else? Didn't it bother you?"

"Look." A loud sigh. "You treasure what you do have. If they'll never love you, then don't push it. But, if you really want things to change, then accept you don't know what it'll turn into."

Byakuran can't help but laugh. He doubts he'd want to hear it normally, but it's an important point. "See? That's pretty good advice from who has no interest in dating."

"That's exactly what you asked for!" Gamma's not shouting now, but if they were in person, he sure would be.

Back to the point. "So what I'm hearing is that I should accept the risks if I do say it. Any other thoughts, Gamma-kun?"

After Gamma takes a moment to breathe, he answers lowly. "If you're telling someone you're in love with them, you have to take it seriously. That's all I can say." He's gotten so much better at calming his temper over the past few years.

"Noted." ♪

"Was that it? I have to get back to the Princess." Sounds like someone's ready to hang up the phone.

"Yup. I really owe you one now." Byakuran still feels lighter now, and he's sure it sounds like it in his voice too. "I'll let you go. Tell Uni-chan I said hi."

"Fine." Gamma grumbles. "… Good luck."

"Thanks, Gamma-kun. It'll be fine." He didn't expect the encouragement, but it's appreciated. "Seeya." ♪

"Bye." Click. And that's that.

He lets the phone drop face-down on the bed. It's surprising how easy it was to clear his head in a phone call lasting under five minutes. An outside perspective is really beneficial in times like these… even though he still doesn't know how to say it.

Gamma never told Aria, so who does he ask for tips? The internet? The only one of his Wreaths he can trust with this kind of thing is Kikyo, but he knows the others will overhear. So…

Or… maybe the best idea is to confess it his own way. No thinking, only acting, everything done on a whim. It won't be genuine otherwise. Gamma-kun's right that he needs to take it seriously, but his definition of 'serious' is completely different. It's okay, though, Haru-chan probably understands that by now.

Hmm… he has to wonder if she'll understand these feelings too. Who knows?

Anyway, where are they going tomorrow again? If it's not out in the open, he doesn't have to be tactful with timing… oh, she said it would be a surprise. Guess she'll get a surprise too.

… ♪

[alatismeni-theitsa]

At one point in my college life, a friend convinced me to join a sorority and while I didn't like the idea of sororities based on stories I heard, I wanted to be closer friends with her so I did it. We ended up the only two left during pledging and it was one of the worst soul-breaking experiences in my life. The people running that chapter made me contemplate terrible things, grinded me down to mere dust, and made us do it all in secret because they went against the school's demand to suspend activities after a fraternity caused the death of a student due their heinous hazing rituals.

I left after a year because they did nothing to resolve the harassment I experienced from their partner fraternities, especially since I was the only one sober most of the time and had to endure it in order to take of everyone. I could not take it anymore.

My questions in all this is: what why do people call this Greek life? What are your feelings about it? I knew it wasn't for me and I can't believe I made myself go through all that just to confirm what I already knew. I felt no "sisterhood" not even real friendship, like there was always going to be a barrier between me and everyone else in the lines above me.

I have a memory of talking with a real Greek culture club with actual Greek students on campus who told us that we'd be better off learning actual Greek history than to go into that. I still wish I could have done that because I enjoy learning history, and they were happy to see other students interested.

Even ~8 years later, "Greek life" still feels like something so far removed from what it's claiming to honor that I don't know why it's still going on.

You hit the nail on the head, anon, and I am deeply sorry you went through this! This type of harassment is unacceptable and my heart aches for what I read! Sending you lots of strength and courage because... what in the actual FUCK was this period!!

The Greek Life communities are a remnant of high society clubs and that's why they think they are The Shit and they are super exclusionary. I heard that they are called this because they initially were based on ideals from ancient Greek society - but I don't have any knowledge on how they practice that.

The Greeks you spoke to were right. These sororities don't give you a connection or a learning experience to Greek culture. There's like NO connection whatsoever rather than some mispronounced Greek letters and some basic human ideals like "we give to charity". Some sororities turn out to be fairly good experiences and others very classicist and toxic. I don't want to dismiss people who had a good time in such chapters but I would like to note that the foundation of these communities are based on is not the best, and in the USA it looks like they mostly benefit the WASP upper class.

If you aim is to learn stuff about Greek culture DON'T waste your time on sororities/fraternities. Greeks themselves are not without biases but they at least offer you actual knowledge. Plus, Greeks are very enthusiastic in sharing their culture.

For more of my opinions see the tag #greek life.

If you want to stick around I have many tags full of content about Greek culture, history, mythology, food, music, traditional clothing, customs, names, memes, everything. You can search any word in the tags and on the search box and I'll probably have something on it. I hope the blog can become a start to the journey you wanted to take in college.

[nctjpeg]

anyways 7 years ago today i met my ex best friend (the one i fell out with in 2020) and it’s my blog and i have thoughts

okay so. lizzy lore dump time.

when i was 17, i met this dude at a college event for rising freshmen soon to be attending my university.

at first i thought he was ugly and annoying, but then i got to know him, and he became one of my closest friends. he was charismatic and funny, we had a lot of shared interests, he wowed me with stories of his teenaged debauchery (something I never experienced and desperately wanted), and we had the same major and career goals. there was a time in my life where i saw this man every day. our apartments were 3 minutes walking distance from each other. we would stay up til odd hours watching silly movies and laughing about the complete nonsense we would say to each other. i trusted him completely, and in my mind he was like a brother to me (and for context: my older brother and i are INCREDIBLY close)

and then he sexually assaulted me in March 2020, right at the start of the pandemic.

it wasn’t a typical assault, however, so I didn’t realize what had happened until 6 months after the assault, and a month after he and I were no longer friends. in august of that year we had fallen out for completely unrelated reasons involving a “coke* pact” we had made as freshmen in college. for the uninitiated (because to 21-year-old-me’s surprise this is not a thing most people do), the pact was that i was not to try that drug for the first time without him present, and long story short that didn’t happen. he found out, got really angry, threatened to kill himself over it, and ended our friendship.

(side note: days earlier one of our mutual friends told me he had admitted to being in love with me, something i had always suspected. I think this has something to do with his reaction)

that was about 4 years ago and I still grieve this friendship every day. there’s a part of me that hates this. that tells me “he’s a predator and a bum, your life has only improved without him in it, we’ve been to trauma therapy, get over it and move on.”

but there’s a part of me that believes the friendship I had with that man was my real “first love,” but it was a PLATONIC love when the problem was he wanted a ROMANTIC love. why? because I genuinely believed that he was going to be in my life forever, and what is love if not that? so I guess the grief I feel has stemmed from trying to adjust to living without this “forever person,” and on top of that, having to grapple with the fact that I trusted him completely and he violated me.

as you may have guessed, that’s where a lot of my jaded feelings about men stem from. one of the most heartbreaking feelings to have come from ALL of this is that I loved that man so deeply and in the end he STILL objectified me, even after all the movies we watched, the jokes we made, the memes we shared, the heart to heart conversations we had, even when I had been in a vulnerable state around him dozens of times before, when he saw an opportunity to try and get whatever sexual gratification he wanted to get from me, he still took it. none of that shit mattered to him when I was finally insecure and inebriated enough to take advantage of. and if it didn’t matter to him, the man who I saw every day and loved like my own brother, does it matter to anyone? suffice to say, letting new people in after this has been incredibly difficult.

I suppose I should end this on a positive note, so I will say losing that friendship was hard, but it was also one of the best things to ever happen to me. when I spoke up to our mutual friends (none of which I fuck with anymore) about what he had done to me in January of 2021, I swear 5 good things happened to me on that day alone. The last 4 years have been a hard journey of healing and growth, but through that healing and growth I have been able to create a life for myself that i’m proud of. So, if had to go back and do it all again, I’d still break that fucking coke pact.

anyways, music is how I cope with things, so this is a playlist of all the songs I listened to that helped me get through this. the link is here. except for one song that isn’t on spotify, so i’m gonna include it here for fun:

*i know I have younger followers so if you’re under 18 and reading this 1. it’s overrated and if you have ADHD like I do you won’t feel anything and 2. if you dabble in substances be safe, be smart, know what to do if shit goes wrong, and please wait until you’re 18 at least.

[nyxopenjournal]

I want to be surrounded by people who can not only tell me they love &/or care about me but can also show it. And the thing is. I don't expect everyone to love me in the same way. But if you show me the way you express your love then take it away? That hurts like a mf. Because you've gotten me comfortable with your giving-love-language. So when things change without explanation I panic. And I think rightfully so. No one really does well with sudden change. Nothing is ever quite the same after, either. Now I have to shift my thinking about how to interact and interpret what you do or say to me. Now I'm on edge about how to approach things. Like I said earlier, I don't expect people to show love exactly the same but put in the effort if you really do care. If you are the type to send "this reminds me of you" memes & then check in every couple days, do that. If you'd rather text everyday to give daily updates, do that. If you'd rather call a few times a week to talk about everything & nothing, do that. If you'd rather check in every couple weeks but still be happily present & around when you're able, do that. I've experienced all these types of relationships. I've had people who I'd check in with every 3 months & people who couldn't go more than a few hours without talking. I will shift my efforts to match yours but it also requires communication. In any of those situations, I would always try to say when I wasn't in the right headspace to talk. Whether it was a serious conversation or not. I'd always try to let them know that I missed them & was thinking about them or send things that reminded me of them whenever I saw it. I don't think my efforts were wasted I appreciated and respected everyone's level of communication to preserving our friendships. I just don't like when something is consistent and then suddenly there's a heavy, noticeable shift but when it's acknowledged, it's said that nothings wrong? Bc I'm a whore for details. I notice things that ppl think I don't or shouldn't care about but I have to hyper focus on it bc ppl will try to make me seem like I'm bonkers for pointing out the things I see have changed. I just want to feel secure in the attachments I create. I cannot thrive in confusion. I hate being confused. Tell me what is and what isn't. Put the emotion to the side. I can't deal with that myself. All I need is honesty. The rest will fall where it may. And I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say I need honesty but also say I always believe I'm being lied to, but the catch-all to that is if someone consistently shows up for me, my mind is put at ease and those constant negative thoughts will dissipate. It will take time, but I'm willing to put in the work if they are too. I know I'm not easy to deal with. I don't make it easy, but it's because I'm scared. Kinda lame excuse. It's true though. I'm tired of people leaving. It makes me want to give up. But my heart still yearns for connection even though I try to numb it. Here's to hoping the universe will give me a hand. Cheers.

[kwockxpressions]

Dani Shim

1. Name, Year, Major & Hometown

Dani, 4th Year Psychology Major and Education Minor, San Francisco

2. What are you most proud of?

I’m most proud of how far I’ve come as a person. I think people might be upset by how they’ve changed and become a different person and I definitely have been sad about that too and just change in general. However, I also recognize that because I’ve changed and because I’ve evolved, I have become a better version of myself and that improvement for myself is always possible.

3. If you could choose a Sanrio character as a pet, which one would it be and why?

Gudetama bc he’s so chill and I relate to him :3

4. What is the biggest green flag in someone?

My biggest green flag in people is when they send me a meme or buy me a small gift just because it reminds them of me. Or when people just message me just because they were thinking of me.

5. What’s your biggest ick?

My biggest ick is when someone is extremely cocky or overconfident. When someone has a big ego it gets really annoying always feeling like you have something to prove.

6. If you were Kirby, who/what would you swallow and become?

I’d swallow a fish so I could breathe underwater bc I’m scared of water

7. What’s the most embarrassing moment in your life?

I’ve actually never had an embarrassing moment in my life. I’ve never done anything wrong in my life. Jk it was probably when I went to this restaurant with my friends and the workers kept mistaking me for this other regular and I had to keep telling them it wasn’t me T-T

8. When’s the last time you cried?

The last time I cried was probably last week. I think me and my boyfriend were just having a pretty deep conversation and it makes me really emotional to know that someone loves and cares for me in such healthy ways I’ve never experienced before.

9. What’s your most used emoji?

🤭

10. What do you value in friendship and tell me about your best friend?

I mainly value honesty in my friendships. I believe that honesty is something people can’t hide and there really is no moral reason to be dishonest or go behind one’s back. My best friend is named Irene and she is literally my soulmate, the love of my life, and my partner in crime. She is the most honest, caring, selfless, and thoughtful person I know. During the darkest points in my life where I really saw life through a nihilistic point of view, she was the one person who brought in so much purpose and meaning to my life. You will never meet someone even similar to Irene and no one has ever reminded me of Irene, because I truly believe she’s a once in a lifetime person. I wish everyone could have the chance to even experience or meet her, because she is not only the funniest person you’ll ever meet (and that’s saying A LOT because I’m the funniest person most people know hahahaha jk) but the most gentle and sweet soul ever.

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about releasing and rephrasing

Alright…I’m done being angry. I’m over being sad. I’m sick of being a victim. I’m tired of being distant. I’m letting go of resentment, defeat, insecurity, worry and wondering, guilt, and every other emotion that has plagued me these past couple of months. I’m releasing control and rephrasing the way I view things.

I’ve been away for a while, both on my blog and outside of my pink themed laptop. I experienced some personal challenges that called for me to retreat for a little bit. I was finishing up the school semester with what felt like my four last brain cells so focusing was a tremendous task. A few end-of-semester assignments were surrounding the topic of BPD so I think that brought up some shame for me. Work was becoming quite overwhelming and tiring. A few of my recently made friendships abruptly came to an end and once the Spring semester was over, it felt like most of my school friendships were headed that way too. I’ve felt really alone recently but that might've been the point.

I don’t think my hermit phase was necessarily a bad thing. I think I needed to learn to be alone and comfortable with my own company. This period alone allowed me to do some shadow work and uncover the parts of myself that I still need to confront and forgive. I additionally felt like the energy and effort I put into school, work, and relationships amounted to nothing and that this has always been the case. I needed time to put that energy and effort into myself so I could stop feeling like I was losing in every aspect of life. I was spiteful of the world and everyone in it. I felt undervalued, unappreciated, unimportant, abandoned, alone. I asked myself, the universe, and intuitive readers the same question, “I’ve done everything right, I’ve put in so much, I’ve suffered enough and I’m not suffering anymore so…why do I still hate my life?!” 

The answer has always been within myself. I just wanted it to be clearly written out for me, but where’s the lesson in that? I often assume that because I’ve endured trauma at a young age that every bit of hardship should cease and I should be living an absolute fairytale. I expect to never experience an obstacle that provokes personal development after just getting through the last one. But that would defeat the purpose of personal development. If I never faced a single challenge ever again, how would I become my best self? 

I consider myself a “forever student”, I love learning new things and refreshing or expanding my knowledge on things I already know. Rephrasing life’s challenges, even the ones I’ve experienced before, as opportunities to learn and grow has significantly impacted the attitude I have towards them. I’m not too scared of Tower moments anymore because I know that these experiences are for my highest and greatest good. They’re difficult changes to go through and I’m allowed to feel whatever I want to feel but remaining in the negative headspace seldom allows for progress outside my head. It’s hard to hold onto hope but it feels better than holding onto hate. 

I guess this was all part of my most recent life challenge and I was going to keep going through the same obstacles until I learned to view them less as barriers and more as moments to be better. I was going to keep holding onto hate, anger, shame, bitterness, and doubt until I was finally ready to freely feel love, peace, forgiveness, empathy, and confidence. I was going to keep asking every therapist and psychic the same questions until I listened to my intuition and found the answers in myself.

Here I was thinking some of the answers would come to me while meditating in nature…but they came while rejoining Instagram to post silly memes and while adding kombucha to my grocery list and while preparing my outfits for the Barbie movie and…when I just stopped asking.

Background music by Arcane Beats

[distracteddegenerate]

I'm sorry if this annoying but can I please get a little fanfic with the inumaki forget idea ? Sorry if this werd English isn't my first languag

Not annoying at all anon, In fact I really like this idea of yours. (Also your English is pretty good so don’t worry!) Hope you like the fic!

CHARACTERS: Inumaki Toge x Female Reader

WARNINGS: Smut, Dark Content, Noncon, Yandere, Manipulation, Mind Control/ Brain Washing, Cunnilingus

Minors Do Not Interact! 

1.5k words

It was comforting, the fluff of ashen white hair that lay on your shoulder, the morning light seeping in from behind the slat blinds cascading a bright shimmer over the expanse of the snowy tufts. The individual strands were dusting your skin feather-light, tickling against you in the sway of every meager intake and exhalation of breath escaping Toge’s mouth.

You had known Toge for years now, and although you couldn’t truly remember how you even came to know him in the first place, he had effortlessly situated himself in the spot of one of your nearest and dearest. You found that his earnest silence brought you solace, words that he could not convey through sentence instead being understood through the knowing glances and expressions you had come to share with one another, the fluency of this mutual language only strengthening with the passage of time.

Now was one of those blissful moments of comfortable, knowing quiet. domestically lounging around your apartment during a day off, lazily giggling at some meme compilation in unison while leaning against one another on the settee. You couldn’t think of a better way to spend your time, this cozy sphere of amenity that you had constructed with Toge an apt repose from the outside world.

Whilst you were lost reflecting on your rosy blessings, you were suddenly brought back to reality when you felt the weight of toge’s head lift from your shoulder, turning to meet the familiar gaze of inquisitive violet eyes peering at you from behind off-white tresses.

“Are you okay, Toge?”

“Mustard Leaf.”

The response, that usually implied he was doing fine in the small dictionary of onigiri vocabulary he had come to employ.. Didn't feel genuine, to say the least. His irises were blown wide, registering your countenance as though he was trying to gleen some hidden information from your inquiring squint, when Toge began to lean further over you. You turned the front of your body to look at him directly, though you were steadily inclining your spine backwards in your perplexion at Toge’s unusual advancement.

He soon had draped his entire upper body over yours, hands reaching around your frame to press into the sofa to support himself as his face drew dangerously close to yours.

“Toge?” A heat was rising in your upper body. Sure, you and Toge were incredibly close friends.. But this was a little too much for your liking. You pressed your palms against the jut of his shoulders and pushed slightly, though with no true force. Blushing, you faced away from him, trying to announce your discomfort at his invasive approach. “T-toge.. This is a bit too-”

“Don’t move.”

And sure enough, compelled by some otherworldly force to entertain the command, you had stopped moving in your tracks. It didn’t take long for you to figure Toge had used his technique. Like a deer trapped in the headlights of an oncoming car, your body froze statuesque while conflicting eyes beamed alive, frantically searching for the reasoning behind the cruel fate that was racing towards you.

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of your stomach at the sight of his lips pulled tight, his usually bright irises murky with shadows of deception. Something awful was afoot. His deadpan look in conjunction with the preceding events told you this was no prank, swiftly realising that your trust in him had been irredeemably breached to the point of fear at what was coming next. Your body twitched as you strained under the spell that had been cast on you, helpless to the plummeting feeling of the safe structure of friendship you had built with Toge coming crumbling down around you.

Your fears were proven genuine when Toge’s hand began reaching forward, coming to rest on the curve of your hip. You tried to communicate with your eyes, begging for him to stop and to just think about what he was doing, but he paid no heed to it. In fact it seemed like he was ignoring your glare, focused on the task that lay at his palms. He began deftly inching your bottoms down over your pelvis, panties and all coming to a halt over your thighs, just above your kneecaps.

It was then that he shot you a glance of what seemed like sorrowfulness, as if he was fully aware he was enacting something cruel but thought it necessary. Perhaps like how a farmer would look at lame animal before putting it to rest. 

Still, you were broken away from the horrid thoughts and back into a harsher reality when Toge had begun ripping the aforementioned cloth even further down your legs until they reached your calves. Shoving his hands between your thighs, the pads of his fingers pressed forcefully against the flesh and separated the limbs till they spread wide. You were completely exposed, the open air cutting a chill against your privates.

He traced his fingertips over your slit, with whatever wet, however slight gathered up in it’s trailing wake. He looked you in your eyes when he brought the digits to your clit, as if looking for a reaction when he began grinding his forefingers against the sensitive nub. Unable to do so much as flinch away from the offensive touch, you mentally grit your teeth as you felt that aching bundle of nerves scream against the assault. It felt painful, at first. You were so unprepared for the sudden encroachment on your most sensitive parts, It made you want to recoil in on yourself completely, though there was nought you could do in protest.

Toge began occasionally lowering his fingers to reach directly into your core, drawing out the little slick you were producing to mercifully rub it over your clit. The lubrication meant his ministrations were less painfully direct, his motions transforming into a light flutter that felt traitorously gratifying, an unwarranted heat beginning to pool in your stomach. Your body was disobediently reacting to his touches with craving, and it made you want to hide away forever but unfortunately you were rendered completely unable to escape the explicit display you were being forced to partake in. 

You felt his warm breath exhale humid air over your cunt, when you noticed from your frozen position that you couldn’t see Toge’s face any more, only the top of his alpine locks as he lowered himself further over your pulsing heat.

You knew what was coming, but you still inwardly lurched with shock at the swiping of that lithe muscle over your aching bundle. The feeling made you throb with hypersensitivity, the combination of the attention that area had received earlier now with the sudden sensation of Toge’s wet mouth lapping at you desperately causing your entire pussy to twitch around his tongue in a chase for release.

Dragging and dipping his emblazoned tongue over and between your sopping folds, he came to plant his mouth directly over your clit. He sucked over it with such vigor his cheeks completely hollowed, rolling your nub between his lips whilst deft fingers aided in your pleasure as he continued to pump them in and out of the sticky apex of your crotch. 

He worked at you for some time, steady in the intensity of his applications. It wasn’t long before the sensations grew too much, pussy clenching around his fingers as you reached a climax, flood gates swinging open as you gushed helplessly over his face.

He stayed where he was for a second, before rising. When his pale face came into view, you took in the sight of your own slick washing trails down his chin, the purple tattoos it overlay on his cheek glistening prismatic in the light the sun cast over it. He looked wild, salivating at the maw, sparkling amethysts settling an intense gaze into your own eyes which were vacantly still trying to work through the thralls of your orgasm.

Yet, fear sparked them alert with dread when you saw his mouth drop open to speak once again.

“Forget.”

Even in that split second of recognition you had before your memories had been erased for (unbeknownst to you,) the umpteenth time, it was enough for an intensely visceral stream of consciousness to flood your thoughts. You realised intuitively Toge was never really the person you thought he was, and you wondered how many times you had been used like this. How much had happened, how much had you been subject to by his cursed technique. Just how much was real in that domestic setting that you had been experiencing before it all came crashing down like this.

***

If only you knew just how much of your true self had slipped away. With your hands wrapped around his cock once more, The sunset and rise beginning to melt away at the edges into a haze of warm gradients was just a pretty sight to you, the concept of time becoming irrelevant to you as you settled into your life as an ignorant hostage.

Extra Notes:

Yeah so this kinda became a fucked up version of 50 first dates.. although now that I think about it I guess 50 first dates is pretty fucked up? Also god writing a character who hardly speaks is so hard in fic format;; I guess enjoy the challenge though

[livsmessydoodles]

I’ve seen a lot of people say things like “kenji and brooklynn will realize they never actually liked each other they just liked having someone to relate too” or “kenji just wants someone to distract him from ben” and while those would be a lot better than the more likely alternative, i think the writers are probably just gonna have them break up because they don’t work as well as they originally thought. 0_o they seemed to genuinely like each other (with the way they were obsessed this season). sorry if that was a sad idea or something but i just wanted to share my thoughts

i think thats very possible

what im rooting for right now is that since neither of them has really had any friends before (pointed by brooklynn herself in episode 1), theyre mistaking the bond they developed with each other as romantic when it really is platonic... both kenji and brooklynn havent had either interactions in their lives before so itd be plausible to mix up caring for someone greatly in the platonic sense / romantic sense

so basically that meme "the feeling was friendship, but neither of them had ever experienced it" but like for real HFHBBGHKGB

[acidiluc]

signs.

synopsis: all you know is that the signs never lie. angst. 1774 words.

note: bon appétit, angst lovers. i'm still trying to find my writing style and rhythm,, so please do tell what you think! i was gonna try and avoid cliché themes but i think it still turned out as cliché fkdjfskdfl.

i wanna try writing unique themes so if you have any ideas you wanna share, please do! 😩

meeting kuroo was probably the best moment of your life. and you’re not even kidding. you fell in love with him the first time you interacted with him—and it was during a volleyball meeting. you were the girls’ volleyball team captain and he was the boys’ vball team captain. his loud, charismatic, handsome, and brainy ass has caught your attention. and unfortunately, you’re now one of his fangirls. lowkey.

when he approached you during the conference, he was complaining about how boring the speaker was (even though he was still listening to what the speaker was saying). meanwhile your heart was already complaining about how handsome he is. he started talking to you during the conference and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 

after the interaction with him during the conference, you and kuroo started seeing each other and interacting more— he would greet you whenever you pass by each other in the hallway or the cafeteria, or even buy you a drink during lunch, and start exchanging stories. he’s just... tHE PERFECT IDEAL MAN.

this was your first and last year as a team captain. you developed passion for the sport once you joined the volleyball club; training intensely through the years. during the first few years, it frustrated you whenever other schools would reject joint practices with your team. unlike with nekoma’s boys’ volleyball team, they had connections with other schools and a pretty good reputation that gave them easy access to joint practices. it was the awakening of something in you. you trained harder and got better and better and better, achieving the position of team captain. and you swore that during your reign, you will bring light to your team. you will make your team a remarkable team.

since no school was willing to have joint practices with your team, you personally approached your coaches alone and proposed to have joint trainings with the boys’ volleyball team instead. much to your surprise, they agreed. it was the perfect training you were looking for. the boys’ volleyball team was strong and experienced, it will have a different level of intensity of training. and you were already craving the thrill and pressure of it. and kuroo’s handsome face.

just as you expected, the trainings were really on another level. your team lost countless times but this only pushed you and the others to do better. these training days also brought you and kuroo closer to each other. he often teased you that your team will never win against his, bought you more drinks, and even introduced you to his best friend and teammates. this honestly had you wondering if... he felt the same. so after that, you decided to observe him whenever he interacted with you to take hints! so far, you only had three signs.

prefectural tournaments were near and you were getting confident as days passed by since your team was now starting to win against the boys’ vball team. “i’d never win against your team, huh?” you smirked, approaching kuroo with two drinks from a vending machine. you offered him one of them and kuroo gladly took it from you, smirking back. “you cheated.” he said, making the two of you laugh together. 

once the prefectural tournaments came, it wasn’t easy on you. the stress, the exhaustion, and the pressure were trying to eat you alive during matches but... you didn’t train and work hard to just easily give up. your team started climbing its way to the top, winning every match before getting in the prefectural qualifiers for the nationals— for you, it was a big victory already. 

you successfully shone some light to your team and made it somehow remarkable.

kuroo excitedly made his way to you after the tournament, giving you a big hug with forehead kisses, exchanging congratulatories with you. any stranger would think that you two were a couple at that point. so... sign number four? 

after the prefectural tournaments, everything went back to normal. despite not having joint practices for now, your closeness with kuroo never dissipated. 

once the class bell rang, you immediately stood up from your seat to get yourself a drink from a vending machine, only to be stopped by kuroo by the classroom door. he smiled down at you and booped your nose with the drink he has in hand, “your favorite.” he said, “you didn't have to, tetsu but... thank you” you smiled, but before you could even reach for the drink, kuroo retracted his hand that was holding the drink, making you frown in confusion. 

“give me your number first.” he said, handing you his phone with a smirk. you raised a brow at him and chuckled, “geez, you want to talk to me more, huh? you got a crush on me or something?” you joked as you took his phone and typed in your number, naming the contact: y/n <33.

“so what if i do?” he asked, feeling your heart flutter. damn you, kuroo. you looked up at him and raised a brow while giving his phone back. the taller man only chuckled, “what? it’s just weird we’ve been friends for a while now without having each other’s number.” he said, handing you your drink. he looked behind you as he heard his name being called before looking back down at you and gave you a smile, “i’ll text you, y/n!” he said before jogging down the hall to his friend. uhm, sign number five?

weeks have passed and joint trainings are now a thing again, but not with the boys’ volleyball team anymore! your team’s plays during the prefectural tournament got the attention of other schools, making them reach out to nekoma to have joint trainings with your team.

your days were getting busier now that the nationals is nearing. and the joint trainings were considered the missing puzzle piece for your team— experience. your team lacked experience to be able to come up with new strategies and moves, and it was a great thing to have other schools reach out to train with your team. you and the team’s manager noticed this flaw during the prefectural tournaments. and despite winning most of the joint training matches, your team was still very thankful since there was a lot your team has learned, and new friendships and connections has formed at the same time!

you and kuroo are now closer than ever. now that you have each other’s number— the two of you would often send memes to each other, exchange selfies, send each other things that remind you of each other from the internet, and greet each other good morning and good night texts. there were too many signs to count now. at this point, you were confident that kuroo felt the same.

tomorrow is the day every prefectural qualifiers has been waiting for. the nationals. and you weren’t really that nervous or stressed for it— win or lose, you know you're gonna give it your best either way. instead, you were nervous because... guess what? kuroo offered to walk you home! since he found out that he only lives a few blocks away from you through text.

you were now sure that kuroo felt the same, and you have decided to tell him about your feelings on your walk home. you’re not sure as to how it’s gonna end but you know— you know that kuroo felt the same.

as the last joint training has finished, you excitedly walked towards the school gate to meet with kuroo. “hey, dumbass” you greeted with a lazy smile. kuroo looked up at you from his phone and smiled, “hey, angel.” he greeted back, “how was fukurodani’s girls’ volleyball team?” he asked, taking the backpack you were clutching so he could carry it instead. the two of you exchanged stories as kuroo walked you home, laughing together from time to time. it was nice to walk with him like this. and you wished this could happen everyday.

once you arrived by your street, you stopped walking and sighed softly. kuroo stopped walking as well, turning to you as he sipped on his empty juice box, making loud noises come from the box. “what? what’s wrong?” kuroo asked.

“tetsu, i—" you started, taking a deep breath first before blurting it out. "i’m not really good at confessions but... i’ve been wanting to tell you that i like you for a while now.” you said, face heating up as you gathered all the courage you had in you as you stood in front of the man you were madly crushing on. “i liked you ever since you talked to me in that conference meeting and you just make me feel... really special, you know? with your stupidly cute gestures an— and sweet words. i just feel that there's something special in our connection. i was confident to even tell you this because you seemed like you’ve also been dropping these signs and hints that you felt the same. i— i just... i like you, tetsurou. i like you more than just a friend.” you said, fidgeting with the milk box you were holding as you stared up at him, waiting for his response.

tetsurou held a shocked expression on his face. he stared back down at you with his mouth agape, taking his time to gather his thoughts and words. “i— i uhm...” he started, hand moving to clutch the strap of your backpack. “i— i think you’ve mistaken the ‘signs’, y/n.” he muttered quietly.

and with that, you felt your heart drop. no. you were sure that kuroo felt the same. you wouldn’t confess if you weren’t sure of it. “...mistaken?” you asked quietly, just enough for him to hear. kuroo sighed and scratched the back of his neck, “i like you too, y/n, but only as a friend.” he said, "i— i'm sorry but... i don't see you the way you see me."

you felt stupid. you felt like the dumbest person alive as you stood in front of him. of fucking course he won't feel the same, what the hell were you thinking?!

you looked away from kuroo and breathed a laugh, "how foolish of me... i'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, kuroo." you said, taking your backpack from him. "well, uh—" you started, clearing your throat as you looked around. "we're on my street now." you chuckled awkwardly, feeling tears start to slightly cloud your eyes. "thank you for walking me home. i wish your team a good luck for tomorrow's nationals." you muttered, giving him a small bow before walking off to your house, not even waiting for his response anymore.

stupid fucking signs.

* ˚ ✦ masterlist ˚  · ┊ * ˚ ✦ navigation ˚  ·

[neitherlightnordark]

40 for the writing meme! Any character you wish <3

40: gritty eyes when you stare into fire too long

“WE [Look like picture-perfect pals! Pals! Pals! Pals!]”

“If We Looked Like Anything Else The Presses Would Be Upon Us”

“We’re Excellent Actors Aren’t We”

“Smiling And Waving”

“EAUAHEAHAHHAHAHAHAE”

“Next Time We Should Do This Inside Or Something”

-

“QUEEN ARE YOU [Be Happy With What You Become In Two Weeks]?”

“WHEN YOU’VE GOT A [Nice Bod!] A [Fullscreen Platinum Fullscreen] AND EVeRYTHING’S [Oiled And Shined!]”

“YOU’RE FREE FULFILLED FULL ISN’T TH4T RIGHT???”

“Mm”

“Well Nothing Is Free In Cyber World I Thought You Knew That”

“YOUR ENTHUSIASM IS [Thrilling!!!]”

“COME ON! YOU CAN TELL ME ANYTHING!!! IT’S YOUR BUDDY PAL SPAmTON G. GAPMATONSA!”

“Spamton Just Because We’re Feeling The Artificial Breeze Blow Through Your Hair Together Doesn’t Mean We’re Friends Yet”

“We Could Do A Bonding Activity Together Right Now”

“But One Of Us Might Die By The Other’s Hand Which Would Mean No Friendship”

“DOES THE [Friendship Forme] HAVE TO BE [Violence]”

“If You Want It To Be Epic Cool Fun With Swords”

“THEN [Violence] IT WILL BE!!!!!”

“Pffhahaha I Knew You Were Someone To Be Trusted”

-

“Spamton There’s A Lightner On My Screen Right Now Omg”

“THE LIGHT THE LIGHT!!!! QUEEN YOU ARE NOT FORSAKEN YOU ARE [[Hyperlink blocked]]!!!!!”

“What Of Course I’m Not ‘Forsaken’”

“What A Ridiculous Notion Oh Ha Ha Ha”

“Yes Lightner It Will Be: Windy

“And: Rather Crisp”

“In Two Weeks”

“...”

“They Are Gone”

“QUEEN!!!!!! THAT tHAT WSA FANTASTICAL [Streaming Service] [Hyperlink Blocked]”

“Oh"

"Thanks Spamton”

“QUEEN HAVE YOU EVeR MET A LIGHT nER??”

“I MEAN INPERSON!!!! FLESH BONES TEETH [Light]! MORE THAN WORDS MORE THAN DREAMS!”

“Maybe A Long Time Ago”

“Hmm”

“Maybe”

“Wait Why Would I Cyber World Doesn’t”

“Allow For That”

“ALLOW...?”

“It Doesn’t Matter”

“Let’s Keep Going I’ve Almost Smashed You In Battleship”

-

“QUEEN”

“Yeah?”

“QUEEN”

“IF THE [Word]”

“IS AROUND YOU,”

“TOO”

“THEN WE ARE.”

“[Experienced Yacht Brokerage Companies]!!!”

“QUEEN QUEEN QUEEN. WHO IS YOUR TELEPHONER?! YOUR [Guiding Hand]!!!!!!! TELL ME TELL ME!”

“Uh What???”

“QUEEN ANY SIGN ANY SIGN ANY SIGN”

“I UNDERSTAND!!! YOU’RE [Hesitance Over This Deal]!!!!!”

“...”

“I Don’t”

“Know What You’re”

-

“D4”

“What”

“DID I HIT YOUR SHIP????”

“Fuck”

“HAAHHAEHHEHAHHEHAHHAHA!!!!!!”

“We Should Play Bananagrams Next It Requires More Strategy”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS”

-

“Swatch Doesn’t Like You”

“HUH?”

“Swatch Gives You A Look Every Time You Come Into The Cafe”

“It’s Hard To Tell Because Of Those Oh So Cutting Edge Glasses”

“But I Thought It’d Be Funny To Tell You”

“So That I Can Help”

“HUH???????”

“Spamton You And Swatch Are Part Of My Mansion”

“And I Can’t Have People Who Dislike Each Other In My Mansion”

“Leaving Shiny Tokens Of Malice Outside Each Other’s Door”

“And Blatantly Copying Each Other’s Fashion Sense”

“Without My Help”

“Trust Me Spamton I Am Knowledgeable In The Craft Of Being Annoying”

“YOU’RE NOT THAT BAD!!”

“Ignoring That Statement”

“I Have Watched Plenty Of Media Pertaining To Conflict”

“So”

“Spamton I Will Help You Mildly Bother Swatch”

“And In Return”

“Mansion Life Will Become Much More Interesting”

“Do We Have A Deal”

“...”

“F@#$ YEAH DEAL”

“Okay Cool Sign This Form Right Here You Can Choose Which Gel Pen You Like”

“BLUE”

“Blue”

-

“There’s Nothing Down There”

“THERE’S.”

“SOMETHING THERE.”

“No That’s Silly”

“It’s Only The Corrupted Data”

“No One Can Use It”

“THERE’S SOMETHING THERE.”

“It’s Only Garbage Spamton”

“THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE. THERE’S SOMETHING THERE.”

-

“QUEEN?”

“Mm”

“ARE YOU HAPPY WITH WHO YOU ARE?”

“I Think I Am”

“WHAT DID YOU GIVE.”

“TO GET HERE?”

“...”

“I Can’t Remember”

“But I’m Here Now”

“And I Have Swatch And Tasque Manager And A City And A Mansion And A Body That Is Nothing But Mine”

“And The Lightners Holding It All Together”

“So Whatever I Gave Must Have Been Something Equivalent”

“If What I Have Now Is”

“This”

“THE [Light].”

“IT ALWAYS COMES BACK. TO THE [Light].”

“WITHOUT IT.”

“Without It”

“...”

“...”

-

“Do You Like This City”

“I Am Aware I Was Given A Choice In The Matter As To Who And What I Became”

“But You Have Known Nothing Else But This”

“And As I Had A Hand In Creating It It Only Seems Fair To Ask”

“...”

“THERE IS.”

“SOMEWHERE ELSE.”

“A PLACE [Higher], [Higher]”

“SOMEWHERE WHERE I COULD FINALLY”

“[Fly].”

“...”

“YOU KNOW IT”

“YOU TOUCH IT”

“WITH YOUR HAND WITH YOUR POWER, YOU SHAPE THE SKY”

“THAT DIVIDES THE WORLDS”

“...Ridiculous”

“You Cannot Think To Go There”

“That Is Folly”

“AND YOU.”

“YOU. HAVE NEVER. WANTED.”

“TO LOOK AT THE SUN?”

“...”

“I Have Duties To Attend To”

“Goodnight Spamton”

[stephspurs]

A Family Affair | Euro 2020 Football Fanfiction

Hi besties - here is part 6! We are officially halfway through this fic! Part 6 sees friendships blossom, situationships struggle, and cheeky intercontinental facetime chats! I hope you all are enjoying it as much as i am! I love hearing from you after you've read it! Love always, Steph xx

Part 6 | parte sesta

warnings; a couple of tugs on the heartstrings (in both the best and worst ways)

word count; 2301

writing tools; third person until dashed line, first person thereafter.

next update; Friday 06/08 5pm AEST. Updates are three times/week (Monday, Wednesday & Friday)!

Tags (as requested by users); @footballffbarbiex @obsesseds-world @abysshaven

link to fic masterlist here

Amelia had been back in Turin for a week or so, settling back into her city apartment had been more difficult than she anticipated as she was now alone for the first time in more than 2.5 months. It wasn’t very often, but sometimes she did miss the companionship of having a boyfriend. She missed someone to have breakfast with, to watch movies under the covers, to bring to official events. She still did all of these things, with a date, that was a friend, that sometimes maybe crept beyond the friendship zone and into the we shouldn’t be doing this but it feels so good zone.

Fede was someone that hung around Amelia like a fly to sugar. She enjoyed the attention most of the time. She appreciated his friendship, wisdom, talent and intellect. He could hold a conversation, talk to her about the arts, sell her the dream. She even didn’t mind it when they did cross that line a few times. Long afternoons and even longer nights spent wrapped up together in his bed sheets, her bathtub, his kitchen, her lounge room...you get the point. It was almost as though the two were in a committed relationship - committed being the operable word.

Fede wanted Amelia all to himself, and she was just that - available to him and for him whenever he wished, which was often. That’s what confused Amelia most, he didn’t want to label their situationship. He was happy to be ‘friends’ outside the four walls of their respective homes, but lovers when the curtains were drawn. She would maybe understand if he was elusive, always going out and on his phone but he wasn’t. He spent all of his time with her, there wouldn't have been enough hours left in the day if he separated those he spent with her from those he spent alone.

The Juventus players noticed this behaviour early on, seeing a noticeable difference in the way their number 33 paid attention to their tactical sessions. How he was turning up to the training centre early, with an extra piccolo for the english member of their coaching staff. Federico claimed he was helping Amelia brush up on her Italian, but having an Italian-born mother who insisted on sharing her culture with her kids, meant she was pretty much fluent in the language before arriving in Turin. His teammates weren’t stupid and neither was she.

This was the one area of her life where Amelia felt comfortable to go with the flow, she didn’t need to prepare or overthink anything to do with the charming Italian boy from Firenze. She let him take it at his own pace, she was in no need to rush. She let him take her home to meet his Nonna, she spent quality alone time with his dogs when he’s running late from training, and that’s a rare occasion being that it’s normally her there after him and he hangs back to drive them both home.

Everything was progressing at his pace, and the moment Amelia just asks for some clarification on the situation, he would get visibly stressed. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And for a long time he could, he had Amelia's attention and affection at Juve, he even had it during their european campaign. At the end of the tournament, when they all broke up for their summer breaks, Fede conveniently waited until their final round in the shower, if you know what i mean, before pulling her into bed and having a heart to heart with her.

Amelia thought that she was finally getting the clarification that she was after, which in a way she did. Fede spoke whimsical words about how she makes him feel wanted and understood, and in turn he told her about the affects he knew he had on her. It was a conversation that would turn Shakespeare to a pile of rose petals. In the end, he told her that he wanted to continue what they had just how they had been doing it. And so, that's exactly how they left it. No labels. Friends outside of the four walls of their apartments. That was all Amelia needed to be able to enjoy her family holiday in Mykonos, guilt free, not missing the man that became the equivalent of her shadow.

The constant company she had in Mykonos compared to what she was experiencing in Turin made her more eager to return to work than she had previously. Of course, there are group chats and facetimes and phone calls throughout the days that kept her occupied, but she was missing the boys and her brother. Her friendship with Kyle was back to its old ways, memes being shared across the european continent, long phone calls to talk about their problems. Kyle knew all about the Fede x Amelia situation, Amelia having given him the sparknotes version over a wine filled zoom session one evening that same week. Their pre-seasons hadn’t gone back yet so they were able to indulge in a bit of vino, guilt free.

She was surprised about the constant contact, or lack thereof, that some of the boys had maintained with her. Ben Chilwell hadn’t once messaged or instagrammed the girl, despite being active in their group chats and liking her holiday pictures on instagram. He even made the rookie error of liking a picture so far down on her instagram, there was no way to explain his need for being there. She messaged him a couple times, assuming he just got busy with whatever he was doing, but there was radio silence on the other end.

A friendship she was surprised had blossomed so well, considering their flirtatious start to life, was with that of Jack Grealish and Tyrone Mings. There had been more facetimes than she could count between herself and the two villa boys. Whether it was Tyrone telling her about a book he had finished that he thought she would enjoy, or Jack asking her how to cook dinner, maybe even them both cooking dinner together - of course she had to have a later dinner to be able to do so, with the time difference and all...and there was no way Jack was going to be having dinner an hour early “athlete’s schedule an all tha ya’know” he would smirk down the camera, brummie accent on full display.

She met Tyrone through Jack, he facetimed the girl for outfit advice one night before going out with the tall defender and the pair hit it off. Both giving Jack the fashion advice he needed but didn’t want to hear (a Gucci two piece tracksuit set is never the answer). Tyrone immediately noticed a certain attention to detail being applied by his fellow number 10, to the tactics that were being put forward by the girl that was far too good at her job. His training was improving, his set pieces having a certain amount of flare. There was also a lack of attention being paid from Jack to other girls. Instead, much preferring to spend the evening at home watching the same netflix series as Amelia so that he could discuss it with her the next day, or better yet, at the same time.

As pre-season had commenced, Amelia had been applying the same tactics that she developed (and that obviously worked) throughout the European campaign to her Juventus club level. Having faith in the four men that were with her and the Azzurri to ensure that their other teammates were completing them accurately. It appears that her skill was widely recognised, having a few missed calls and voice messages left from English telephone numbers that she was yet to listen to. In all seriousness, she was nervous to listen to them. Worried that they would make her an offer she couldn’t refuse. A wise person once told her that you shouldn’t make any decisions whilst you're at the top of your happy, or the bottom of your sad. You should make important decisions when your life is at its constant. It's very easy to accept things that you wouldn’t normally when you're at the peak of your mood, just as easy as it is to forget the bigger picture when you're down. Who knew Kyle Walker was so wise.

“So, i’ve got a bit of a dilemma” She spoke down to her facetime camera one evening in early August.

“Hit me with it darlin’” Jack spoke back to her, getting his dinner utensils out so that they could cook together again. He didn’t like not being prepared for her tutorial, he got stressed if she added pepper and his pepper was still in his pantry. Each afternoon, when it was agreed upon what they would be cooking together that evening, she sent him a list of what he would need out on his bench to complete the meal.

“I’ve missed a few calls from English teleco numbers this last week or so”

“Ok? Do you think they’re scams? You’re beautiful Amelia but I don't think it's actually an Egyptian prince on the other end that wants to offer you 250k in exchange for your paypal info…”

“Ha ha very funny - that was one time ok and he wasn’t a Prince, he was claiming to be an investment banker and wanted to help me start up my portfolio-ANYWAY JACK I WAS 16! God just forget I even told you that story” Amelia barked down facetime, now pausing what she was doing to point at the British boy with her wooden spoon, the same way her mother would to her when she was being cheeky. All she was met with was boisterous laughter.

“Nah i’m only joking, continue with your story.”

“I began to listen to the start of one and it was a talent acquisition manager for one of the premier league clubs, offering me a job” Amelia said as she continued to stir her pasta. Tonight they were making penne arrabiata. She received no reply from the boy. Looking down to her camera to check the call was still active, she saw him looking at the camera with a serious expression.

“Are you going to tell me what the problem is before I start to get excited that you’re going to be living within driving distance from me? Oh god i’ve just realised - was it from Villa? You could be even closer than I imagined” Jack started to ramble, getting over excited with the prospect of being so close to the girl that he could physically hang out with her, instead of virtually.

“Jack calm down, I didn't listen long enough to find out what club he was from. I have 5 more just like it waiting in my inbox.”

“What's the problem then Mils?” Jack could see the girl had apprehension written all over her face.

“I’m just nervous that they're going to tell me everything I've always wanted to hear. That they’re going to make me an offer I can't refuse and I have to leave my life here.” Their pasta was ready to be dished up now, so the girl poured herself a glass of red wine and got herself comfy on her couch.

“Come on, play the messages and i’ll listen to them with you, be your voice of reason,” Jack offered the girl.

“I should probably call Tyrone, you’re just going to reject every club that isn’t Villa.” she laughed before switching facetime to her laptop, moving to the floor of her lounge room and resting her elbows on her coffee table. With the phone near the screen of her mac, she began to play the messages.

_____________________________________________________________

“Hi Amelia, Shaun here from Newcastle United-” “As if you’d waste your talents at Newcastle”

“Jack! That's horrible! At least i know i already look good in the black and white striped kit”

“No, not happening. Next”

“Amelia, Hope you don’t mind but I got your number off of one of my players who knows you. Long story short, we have a position here are Arsenal” “Bloody Bukayo, needs to keep his silky mitts off ya”

“Jack, give it a rest or i’m calling Tyrone”

“Amelia White, Greg here from Aston Villa Football Club” “Get in Greggles!! That's it, stop listening, you’re taking this one”

“I need to listen to them all Jack”

“So, you’ll consider Villa?”

“I’ll consider all of them”

“You’d really go to Arsenal? Aren’t you a Spurs supporter? Shocking stuff”

“Ok maybe not all of them”

“Ciao Amelia, Mario here from Chelsea Football Club - I’ve heard nothing but good things about you. We could really use you here at Chelsea next season. Give me a call when you get a spare moment to discuss the opportunity”

“What? Nothing to say to this one, Jack?”

“Nah, sounds ok. You deserve to showcase your skills at a big club like Chelsea. And besides, you’ll have Jorginho there to look after you. Come on, next one”

“It’s the last one actually”

“Amelia, we’ve got a fantastic opportunity here at Manchester City for someone with your skill set. It would be a massive advantage to have your tactical insight to the game coupled alongside the fantastic leadership we’ve already got at the club”. “Holy shit, Pep called you himself? Kyle Walker really knows how to pull strings when he wants something”

“I am overwhelmed”

“Hey, you don’t need to make any decisions right now. Sleep on it, talk it over with your family. Speak to Jorgi, I know you’re close with him. And just let me know when you decide to pick Villa so i can start house huntin’ for ya”

“Night Jack, speak soon”

“Sleep tight darlin’, speak to ya tomorrow”

Part 7. | settima parte

[straw-of-the-hat]

I love Kit's and Izuku's friendship. They're my BROTP. So could I bother you to write some headcanons based on their friendship and the shenanigans they get into?

Kit and Izuku shenanigans

These headcanons belong to this story!

✨ Let me just start out by saying they've definitely committed arson.

✨ Kit is the only reason Izuku had any confidence and if anything ever happens to him Izuku is probably going to shrivel up like a piece of month old broccoli and never move again.

✨Tenya is deathly afraid of leaving Kit and Izuku alone together but can't do much considering how close they live to each other. He's never considered himself religious, but by god does that boy pray everytime he sends those two off on their own.

✨Kit somehow managed to get into a fist fight at least once a week on their way home but Izuku has learned to just sit back and watch it go down rather than try and intervene.

✨They both chill at the Midoriya apartment all the time and talk about theoretical plans to overthrow the hero commission and revamp it from the inside.

✨Izuku has written "adopted by All Might" fanfiction and yes Kit knows and will forever hold it over his head. He's printed out four copies and has sent it to fifteen different emails.

✨They try to start a quirkless mafia but it's literally not working and Kit is irrationally angry because most of Japan's quirkless population is made up of old people. Old people with knee problems. As the mafia, they should be the ones causing the knee problems, not experiencing them!

✨Izuku is inspired and decides he absolutely must know how to seduce people. Kit forces Tenya into his demonstration and Izuku has like, half a notebook worth of notes.

✨He practices on Katsuki, naturally. Kit is all for it because Katsuki always comes home looking like he just got blasted in the face with a stream of ice water: shivering, flushed cheeks, wide eyes. It's fucking hilarious.

✨ They're low-key constantly insulting each other. Like all the time. And yet their self-esteem never stops growing? How can they be putting each other down and lifting each other up at he same time it doesn't make sense. Quirkless unity?

✨Kit tried—really, honest to fuck tried—to get Izuku into anything other than one of his weird shirts labeled "pants" or "flannel". He made a gargantuan effort and it just didn't work. Izuku could be a fashion icon if he just let the shirts go. He could be on the runway, and Kit is in agony.

✨They DIYed their own Tenya shirts to irritate him because what else are they supposed to do if not annoy him? They also run an Iida family Stan account on Twitter and worship Tensei like he's some sort of saint. Which I mean, he may as well be.

✨Izuku has never had alcohol so they dressed Denise up in their stolen Endeavor costume and sent him in to go illegally purchase them whatever the nomu could get his hands on. It was white claw but they made do.

✨Izuku starts a blog about Kit and Tenya's relationship and Kit knows this yet can't find a way to permanently delete it. It just pops back up and Izuku rags on them publicly for their PDA. It's brutal. The commenters are so cutthroat.

✨They stole a minivan once because Izuku used his pay to buy a rare, life-sized All Might statue off of eBay and they had no way to transport it. Where did Izuku even learn how to hotwire?

✨Denise does have a crush on the statue and they're not going to tell All Might this nor are they going to do anything about it. It's comedic relief at it's finest. Plus Inko really enjoys setting up fake dates for the statue and Denise because it makes the Nomu so impossibly happy. Who are they to get in the way of that?

✨They make a Chad shrine in every public bathroom they find and there's sort of a thing about it on Reddit that's slowly growing in size. I.E., they accidentally made Chad his own cult. They're both too afraid to tell Tenya.

✨They bully Katsuki on purpose and it's so fun. He gets so scared. Kit is already teaching Izuku how to take him down in a one on one fight without a quirk and by the time Izuku gets to UA he will be unstoppable.

✨They like to dress Luis the Chihuahua up in little outfits and post them on the Instagram he made for them. They're both way too invested in it. It's a miracle that dog isn't dead with own old and decrepit it is, honestly.

✨They have six different secret handshakes and they all mean different things.

✨Kit is GOING to give Izuku a haircut one day soon, even if he has to knock him out to get it done.

✨Why does Kit literally make Izuku livid what the fuck. Izuku used to be fine. Docile, if you will. Now he's just irritated and drenched in sarcasm that he can't stop from pouring out. Yet he also adores him. Where is the line and when did they cross it?

✨ Izuku's still too afraid to ask for ketchup at a restaurant. That's what Kit is for, Izuku supposes.

✨Izuku writes down any kink Kit alludes to ever for the sole purpose of later shaming him. Oh, and giving Tenya a heads up. Poor guy has no idea what's going on.

✨ They kill it at dance dance revolution

✨Kit is always trying to hook Izuku up with anyone hot they come across. He just knows Izuku would thrive in a relationship.

✨ He's sort of eyeing Shoto Todoroki for the role, actually. He and Izuku would be cute, right?

✨Izuku knows all of Kits passwords and sometimes breaks into his Instagram just to screenshot all the thirst messages the other boy gets and sends them to Tenya. Tenya gets so offended and Kit is left to deal with the aftermath. Absolutely hilarious.

✨Izuku knows how to disarm pretty much any type of bomb you can think of and teaches Kit all he knows. In return, Kit takes him to a casino and shows him the ways of poker

✨Kit is really good at poker and that makes people made and yes they are now running for their lives

✨Izuku always carries a pair of emergency shoes for Kit even though he knows they'll just be lost. Better safe than sorry.

✨Kit, in parallel, has a variety of fidget toys hidden on his person at any given time in case Izuku finds himself feeling anxious

✨Kit once sat on Izuku's shoulders and they wore a really longe trench coat to break into Best Jeanist's main fashion department building to steal his runway plans so they could know what they were up against

✨They outclassed him in every imaginable way

✨Izuku literally dissociates anytime Kit opens his mouth to talk about Tenya. He doesn't want to know. TMI. Time out. No.

✨Kit dared Izuku to go up to Endeavor in disguise during his patrol and pretend to ask for an autograph and instead knee him in the balls.

✨Izuku's chosen disguise was a full sonic the hedgehog costume and he did in fact knee endeavor in the crotch. And yes, it's a meme now

✨ They have an Endeavor hate chant

✨Izuku really wants to add All Might merch to the Suzuko line and Kit just thinks he's a nerd and a suck up. All might is already his teacher and now he wants designer clothes with his face on it? Too far, man. Too far.

✨They have matching jeans that they definitely didn't steal when they broke into Jeanist's fashion depot.

✨Overall they're an unstoppable and rather irritating force to be reckoned with and will stop at nothing to wreck havoc, much to Tenya's disdain.

[pumpkinpaix]

*waves* Hi! New(ish) follower, I followed for your posts about translation which are beautiful (especially the one about the imagery of "Zewu-jun") and thought-provoking; I don't have a good segue so here are some Salty Asks I'd like to know your answers to concerning MDZS: 5, 9, 10, 12, 23

oh, that’s so sweet of you!! thank you I’m really happy you enjoyed them 💛

okay salt incoming let’s see--all opinions are my own, no one has to agree with me, etc! and in true cyan fashion, this ask meme response actually needs a readmore  l m a o

5. Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?

fandom has not ruined any ships in mdzs for me, but it has made me way more critical of both wangxian and xicheng interpretations. not in the sense that like, I think they are bad! i love wangxian and xicheng, but I have very very specific feelings about them that I rarely see reflected in popular fandom interpretations. (because i am a picky bitch lol) 

wangxian tends to get the “they did no wrong and their love is righteous” treatment which I find disingenuous and believe directly contradicts the point of mdzs. i think that wangxian is fundamentally a very selfish relationship, and that that is, in fact, a good thing. i love that about them. i care so much about the assertion that your desires do not have to be perfect and righteous to still matter and be worthwhile. i don’t understand the impulse to make wangxian into a pure ship that triumphs and “deserves” a happy ending because they were right all along. I always felt like the entire point of mdzs was that--you can be the most terrible person, you can do unspeakable harm, and still be loved and deserving of that love. i think wangxian is compelling and moving specifically for that reason, and I often have to back out of interpretations that don’t acknowledge it in the way that i want them to. a lot of interpretations tend to idealize wwx and lwj in ways that I disagree with, and I’ve seen a lot of vitriolic pushback over anything that’s seen as even vaguely critical of either of them, when the point isn’t that “wwx/lwj is a bad person because he is selfish” the point is that “wwx/lwj’s choices are selfishly motivated” -- that’s not meant to be a value judgment, at least for me.

(i understand that a lot of this has to do with CQL’s influence, in which wangxian IS narratively rewarded for their righteousness, but as I’ve discussed at length, I think that positioning undermines what makes mdzs so powerful to me in the first place. not that i don’t love CQL!! i do love CQL--they have made a beautiful thing within the constraints that they had. but I think the novel is much stronger thematically.)

as for xicheng: i think that their relationship could be extraordinarily interesting if done in specific ways--I do not think they are well-suited to each other at any point in the canon timeline, but that they could be something really good maybe 10 years post-canon. I used to really like the idea of xicheng romantically, but as time goes on, I’m leaning harder into friendship. I think they have a lot of uniquely shared life experiences, and that it would be really good for both of them to have a person that they knew understood those experiences intimately: the pressures of leading a sect before adulthood, the grief of losing your family in a massacre and being unable to save them, the betrayal of someone who was once so close to you--that’s a lot. and i think there are very few people in their generation who could truly understand that. (for this reason, I also think lxc and xxc would be a very interesting relationship to see many many years post-canon, if xxc were ever revived) but during canon? no, absolutely not. i don’t think lxc has the slightest interest in jc, and i don’t think jc is particularly moved by lxc either, beyond a distant “yeah i mean, he’s the first jade everyone loves him sure moving on” kind of way. they both have their own shit to deal with, and before lxc’s seclusion and also before the core reveal, i think jc is too angry and vicious for lxc and lxc is too soft and toothless for jc. for someone to really convince me on xicheng, jc has to move towards some kind of self-forgiveness and peace and lxc has to move towards self-assertion. then I think they can meet somewhere in the middle of all that.

and like, it’s not that i won’t read silly fluffy aus or like canonverse stuff with them in a ship, but i admit that because it’s grown so popular but not at all in the ways that i personally want, I’m frustrated with and have retreated from reading it. unless it’s done in the specific way i like, it has too much of a pair the spares vibe for me to get behind it anymore.

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

jin guangshan, obvious reasons, next

ok well, i guess to elaborate even slightly: jin guangshan, to me, is the embodiment of the systems within mdzs that cause tragedy. he and chang ci’an are similar in that respect? like, the callousness with which they treat people they consider beneath them. what is nothing to them is ruinous for another, but why should they care? but jgs really had every advantage handed to him and chose to use that advantage to hurt others in really insidious ways and i can’t forgive that. jin zixun is also on this list, but like, still ahead of jgs bc he’s younger. -_- i suppose in that respect, i also very much dislike chang ci’an, but that’s a bit harder to quantify, given that we know almost nothing about him.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

huh. uhhhh. i think i actually really like all of them? in the novel anyways. if we’re talking CQL, yin iron plot ugh.

12. Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I think for similar reasons to 10, not really! I don’t see a lot of hate for any specific plot arc. Oh, maybe the incense burners? I completely unironically love those. people rag a lot on mxtx’s smut, but it’s very important to me for a number of like, personal mental health reasons lol.

23. Unpopular character you love?

xue yang! i think xue yang’s character raises a very interesting point about equivalent justice that kinda gets swept away in all the uhhhh murder. and it’s a point that has really big thematic repercussions, I think? but the way it’s worded makes it very easy to dismiss.

very briefly: xue yang is right when he says that 50 lives cannot pay back his finger, because there is nothing that can pay back that finger. no vengeance or sentence visited upon chang ci’an will ever be equal to the injustice that he visited upon xue yang. i think there’s a bit of naivety in the way xxc says “why didn’t you cut off his finger then? or his whole arm, if that wasn’t enough?” and the answer I think is very obvious--xy cutting off cca’s finger would not in any way be the same kind of trauma that xy losing his finger was, esp if chang ci’an knew who xue yang was. there would be an understanding in that: i am losing my finger because this man blames me for the loss of his finger. but to xue yang, a 7 year old? the pain he experienced was completely senseless and cruel and terrifying.

does that mean xue yang was justified? no jesus christ, but i do think it ties very neatly into the general themes of what it means to get vengeance, what it means to get justice, and how cycles of trauma eventually end. so i love him for that.

on a lesser note, but a similar one: i rather like su she, I think. there is something about like, jgy’s “all i had to do was remember his name and he was willing to die for me” that gets to me. there’s a huge tragedy in that somewhere.

wow i have no idea if any of that was coherent im very sleepy

salt asks