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alltimefail-sims · 1 year

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I was tagged by @silentsundown! Thank you for tagging me!! ❤ I put my responses under "read more" because you already know I ramble lol

1. What’s your favourite sims death? Gotta go with a classic... the cowplant death. I really like cowplants!

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? I'm maxis mix, but hair must be maxis match.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? Nope. I can't think of a reason I would ever need to!

4. Do you use move objects? Yes, but I use the T.O.O.L. mod more (for really accurate placement).

5. Favorite mod? UI Cheats or MCCommand are obviously necessary, but I could not play the game without Lumpinou's mods or custom recipes (Granny's Cookbook is my favorite).

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? Get to Work, luxury party, and camping GP (outdoor retreat I think? It came in a bundle).

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? Honest to God I go back and forth on this. Depending on the context I have used both! (I pondered this question for a few minutes but it hurt my poor little dyslexic brain. I just kept going back and forth until I was too confused lmao.)

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? I really don't have a favorite child. Erwin is probably my favorite townie makeover, but I will always have a special place in my heart for my Carter family OCs.

9. Have you made a simself? Yes, but I don't play my simself in game.

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? High maintenance, creative, family-oriented (+ music lover and moody)

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? Probably the true black tbh (but I use the last red hair swatch a LOT for some reason lol).

12. Favorite EA hair? I like all the hairs that came with Growing Together and I like the braided updo from Jungle Adventure.

13. Favorite life stage? Teens or YA probably as these stages have the most enjoyable gameplay features.

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Gameplay - telling stories is the heart of why I play the Sims in the first place. I do love building, but I have to be in the mood.

15. Are you a CC creator? I wish, because I have some very stupid desires lmao. Maybe one day!

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? I wouldn't say I have a simblr squad, but I've met some amazing people on here who I would consider friends!!! ❤ Even if we don't talk often, I really care about my mutuals.

17. What’s your favorite game? Outside of the Sims, I don't play a ton of games. Probably Animal Crossing!

18. Do you have any sims merch? No!

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? Not yet, but that is a long term goal!

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? Back when TS4 first dropped I used alpha cc, no custom sliders, no skin overlays, and my sims were very ugly tbh lol. Then I shifted to a hyper cartoon look once I discovered simblr. But now I think I have my own distinctive style that I'm really proud of!

21. What’s your Origin ID? alltimefail01 (I think)

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? I like so many different creators, but I have everything @pralinesims has ever made in my game. I also love @simstrouble, @daylifesims, and @okruee hairs. For build stuff, probably @awingedllama!

23. How long have you had a simblr? A little over a year!

24. How do you edit your pictures? I mostly resize, crop, adjust the exposure and contrast as I see fit, then sharpen the image. I do have a new method for gameplay pics that I learned a few days ago that looks really clean and smooth that I'm excited about too!!! My whole process is pretty low effort as I'm not into that part of the process at all.

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Strangerville (obviously) and Get Together, the underrated queen!!! The townies are so good and the world is amazing. But really I like any packs that add gameplay (especially family/legacy-centered gameplay).

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? Not a whole pack dedicated to horses that's for sure lmao 😅. I really want another city world, or at least a world that has apartments. More hobbies and skills would be phenomenal, like a whole skill game pack or EP dedicated to hobbies and personal passions (reminiscent of TS2 Freetime). More diversity of personality and skills in the game, more careers (not all playable ones like GTW, but I wouldn't object to a few). A skills/hobby pack would be a great pack to include bands and additional instruments. I would like more non-American-based worlds as well.

I'm gonna tag @xhannahsimssx, @wrixie, @crsentfairy, @retro-plasma, @acuar-io, @yooniesim, and anyone else who wants to do this 👍

#tag game #personal #simblr tag game #simblr tag games

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17cardboardboxes · 2 months

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My only fear really is that I will binge and not be able to lose, or that I will gain weight from binging

So guys will like me more, Il look better in my clothes, look better without clothes, wont feel insecure in a bathing suit, won't have to worry about how my stomach looks as much, so people will think I look good, to make up for how my face looks, to make up for having small boobs, and to have a perfect body

So much. Starving myself made me obsessed with food, and now even when I try to eat normally and maintain, I still struggle to not stuff my face because I'm addicted to the dopamine it gives me.

They know I used to, and they didn't like it, and stopped me from dieting when they found out. But they think I'm better now, so I just have to hide it well

I lift to grow my glutes and upper body so my waist looks smaller, and so I don't get skinny fat. I don't really do cardio, cause I don't like it much, and you can't outrun a bad diet anyways

Not really, I'm pretty small already

Eating to help with boredom

Don't have one

I try to eat high protein, and a lot of low calorie veggies to help my not binge.

Unhealthy lol

Idk, probably 100 lbs. It's been my goal for over 5 years, and I hit it once, but I keep "recovering" and gaining back weight and I struggle with binging, so who knows when I'll hit it. I could get it in a month if I stay focused(which wont happen), but I hope I can before the end of the year

I was vegetarian before I started dieting, which is a good excuse to avoid food, but other than that it's not very helpful in my opinion

Five years ago in 8th grade when my mental health got bad and I started to hate myself

Anyone who does this list has an eating disorder

Chocolate, and any food nearby when people around me are eating

Idk, recently. I'm not very good at having an ed

Fasting tbh, when I start eating it's hard to stop getting "just a little more"

I'm a size 2 generally, or small/extra small

99 lbs. My parents found out, and stopped me from dieting, so instead I binged and gained 35 pounds over 2 years. And I've spent the last two years trying to lost it again.

Yes. The skinny actresses are always perceived as being more attractive

Pro ed stuff should be kept off of mainstream media like tiktok, but it's nice to have a community for people who look for one

Yes, I don't remember my first experience, but I use to be afraid of throwing up and I didn't know how to make it easier, so I'm sure it was not a good time

SKINNY WAIST, being smaller and eating to maintain, not lose

By binging lol. Sometimes I can trigger myself and distract myself with other things and stop myself from eating

I do, but I have big ass thighs, and I'd have to lose a lot to get one. I would rather keep some curves than have a thigh gap, so I pry will never have one. I care more about my stomach so a thigh gap isn't really a priority

I know it when I see it

I did these all in one day to distract myself lol

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petite-ursus · 9 months

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I stopped having the banwidth to show up to my crossfit box in person for most of this year. Because. You know. The horrors. But I never stopped moving at home, even if my capacity and style had to change... I'm really grateful for that.

But besides my barbell and plates, (which I LOVE but which aren't super functional in the space I have or just for playing around... ) the highest weights I have are 15lb dumbells.

When I wanted to go higher I was either having the use the plates I have for the barbell or really getting some grip strength gains holding two sets of dumbells in each hand (silly.)

I've been. Craving 25lb dumbells which is what I used to be at at the box. It just feels meatier than 15lbs. Substantial.

My brother gave me 25lb dumbells for Christmas. And. I love them. I love them so much. AND. The jump from my 15s to them... after my illness... is Quite humbling. I'm literally flat on my back after each little workout. But also So Freaking Satisfying.

2024. I'm coming for your ass.

I start with some neck rolls and stretches, arm swings and stretches across body and behind back... cat cow, and usually some thoracic twists... really just whatever feels good. I just play around.

When I work out at home I just get the yoga mat out. Yoga has been... a lot of what I've done this year and it's such a good way to get yourself on the mat. And once you're on the mat anything is possible.

Once I'm warm I grab the weights and again... just pick what feels good. Whatever I pick, I basically always try to do that between 8-12 reps 3 times.

Today that was...

3x12

Single arm lateral raises

Double dumbell front raises

Weighted situps

(8lb dumbells for all of these because I was still warming up and I always want to keep my shoulders and neck safe.)

3x12 of leg lifts, ( Each set is single legs and then both at once. Just Sitting let's straight out in front, hands clasped in front of chest, lift leg(/s) over an obstacles back and forth. Can be modified with hands on ground. Shockingly hard when both legs are engaged.)

3x12

Weighted glute bridges (+ 12sec hold at the top for rep 12)

Floor press

Strict press (last 4 reps of each set single arm)

(These were with my 25lbs. And yes. Humbling. The reason the last 4reps of my strict presses were single arm was because that's how I talked myself out of doing only 8 reps. They took me just shy of failure.)

Then some more stretching. Scorpion stretch was a need for my shoulders and just to be sure I hadn't crunched my back struggling through the presses.

And now. I am. Laying down. I think about last year throwing around 185lb... deadlifting 300lb... it comes down to... I just had more fuel in me. And I still can't eat like I need to do hit the weights I crave...but this is a start and it feels good. I'm so glad I never totally lost this, even if I'm so reduced. The happy chemicals... unparalleled.

#personal #shannon chatters about her home workout

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beepbop282828 · 10 months

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1. Sw = 190 lbs, Cw = 183 lbs, Gw = 100 lbs, Ugw = 75 lbs

2. 5"5, I would prefer being a little taller, but happy enough

3. "She was still a girl, a slight lovely girl who lay in bed and ate chocolates, a girl whose hair smelled like hyacinth and whose scarves fluttered jauntily in the breeze. But strange and marvelous as she was, a wisp of silk in a forest of black wool, she was not the fragile creature one would have her seem."

4. That it won't make me as happy as I think it will

5. I can't be ugly forever.

6. I do, I am working to fix this as it's a terrible habit

7. They know from last time (not the ana, just losing weight) they thought I had ana last time and were always trying to get me to eat

8. Treadmill every day until I burn at least 300, walk around a lot, and never sit still

9. Only vaugely

10. Nothing really. Needs to be done

11. New to blogs so don't have one yet (pls recommend some!)

12. I skip breakfast and lunch, then have to eat whatever mum makes for dinner so she doesn't get suspicious

13. Unhealthy

14. 100lbs, yes I won't be happy unless I do

15. No, but since it helps lose weight (less calories) I'm considering it

16. Officially a year ago, I only started actually trying a few months ago and I've slacked off, starting again now. I've wanted to be thin since I was about seven or six

17. Ana

18. Battered sausages

19. Last Friday (my parents make us have it every friday night)

20. Don't have one really, my diet is just to eat as little as possible haha (please recommend some!)

21. You know how womens clothing sizes are, but somewhere between a S and a M

22. 160 lbs from 190 lbs in the span of 2 months. I had never been happier, that was back in February and April but when summer holidays came it was impossible to hide my not eating from my family so I had to eat and gained back 20 since July :(

23. Yes

24. Idk, obviously these aren't good disorders and can be deadly, but if you have it you have it and should be allowed to talk about it however you want

25. I tried but discovered I don't have a gag reflex

26. I'll finally allow myself to live :)

27. I want to eat it but I know I absolutely should not

28. Absolutely. It's beautiful

29. Thin, obviously

#tw ed diet #ed not ed sheeran #ana trigger

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skinnybitxhhh · 2 years

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+*doing this all at once bc I can't sleep*+

Just gonna complete this here and now because I've got fuck all better to do

I don't really know what constitutes 'stats' because there's a lot of crossovers with the other questions by my definition, but anyways. I'm 125lbs at the moment, my highest I weighed was around 140lbs and the lowest weight I've ever been was 118lbs back in March.

I'm 5"4 which is 163cm. I don't really like my height, it doesn't suit me, I feel like I should either be super tall or super short.

Don't really have a favourite thinspo, I just mindlessly browse.

I don't really have any fears about weight loss. I used to worry about the infertility that could come with it but I've grown to despise children.

I want to lose weight because I'm ugly as fuck and may as well be skinny.

I go through phases, typically over the span of about a month, though I haven't really properly relapsed with the restriction recently; I lose my appetite for about a week so I eat a lot less, I have a normal appetite for about 2 weeks, then I binge for about a week. Idk why I binge.

My mother knows that I restrict because my school councillor told her, but I think she thinks its just another method of self harm for me. She hates when I try to lose weight, because the rest of my family are very obese so they think I'm already very thin.

Don't have a workout routine, if I'm looking to burn some easy calories I either do bed workouts, apartment friendly HIIT workouts or I skip; it literally burns like 200 calories if you skip at a decent rate for 15 minutes it's insane.

Shockingly not, I've only ever had positive comments about my body, because my weight is distributed mainly to my ass and boobs, but I still hate it.

The hardest thing I'm giving up is definitely yoghurt and granola.

Don't have one.

I used to go flat out starvation to lose weight, but right now I'm eating around 1000 calories and exercising, mainly because I have to eat breakfast and dinner or else my mother will catch onto my relapse.

It's not very healthy but it's not too extreme, I high res usually because people don't tend to notice.

I use l o s e r t o w n to calculate how long my weight loss should take on average. My UGW at the moment is 108lbs, and so I should reach that in around 2 months, give or take.

I was vegetarian for about a year when I was 13/14, and my weight absolutely skyrocketed, so I completely refuse to go vegetarian or vegan again.

When I was 11 and found out that 'if you have an eating disorder, you become skinny', and so I was determined to give myself an eating disorder, so I would be super skinny and everyone would like me. Halfway there, 11 year old me.

I strongly believe that eating disorders are one of the only psychiatric disorders that can be accurately self diagnosed. CAMHS has been literally no help to me at all, have given me no support or evaluation besides a single phone call 6 months ago, so I'm taking it into my own hands, as it gets to a certain point where I'm doing everything in the book to try and lose weight, there's something wrong.

Scotch eggs. Such a random food but they trigger binges every single time I eat them, but they're so incredibly tasty.

10th August, my birthday. Before then, the last time I ate fast food was a year before on my birthday.

I don't follow diets often currently, but previously my go-to diet was the OMAD diet. I was doing it unintentionally periodically for about a year before I found out it was an actual thing.

UK sizing now, my jeans are a size 10/12, I don't know my shirt sizing because I wear baggy jumpers usually but I think I'm an S/XS in shirts?

Lowest weight was 118lbs, I gained it back because I was absolutely ravenous and couldn't be fucked continuing with the E.D shit because I had to prep for my GCSE's. Education isn't compulsory for me anymore at A-level though so I'm not really bothered if my eating affects my grades, as I can just drop out and start again next year or learn a trade.

Yes, it influences most people with e.d's I think even subconciously, hence the prevalence of eating disorders has risen insanely as the media expands.

Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia honestly get a bad rep; it's mainly just people who are pro-ana/mia for themselves, as a solid 99% of people I see aren't encouraging people who want to recover, or don't actively already have e.d's.

Yes, it was awful. I can purge decently well now but I almost always avoid it and just overexercise and restrict because it absolutely murders my throat

Just being skinnier. Not even people noticing, just feeling a bit more confident in my own skin.

I don't. If I'm fasting, I avoid food at all costs. If I have to eat, I will eat, and then exercise like fuck later on.

Kinda; I don't really want toothpick legs, but I hate the amount of fat that I hold on my thighs.

It sounds mad considering I have an eating disorder, but I really struggle to categorise people by their attractiveness. Even romantically, I used to date people who I found funny and interesting as opposed someone who was super conventionally attractive. My definition of beauty is literally everyone other than me.

10 facts about me:

I study law, criminology, psychology and english literature

I love reading a lot

I overthink and overanalyse things

I clean a lot when I get stressed, as it keeps me occupied.

I can play guitar pretty ok, I'm decently musically talented

I enjoy watching south park, the walking dead and documentaries.

I own far too many blankets; the cost of living crisis will not affect my warmth.

The concept of becoming an adult and needing to do adult things like filling out forms or speaking to people makes me extremely anxious, even more so now as I'm nearing adulthood.

I have 5 pet cats :)

I have been told that I'm extremely boring, and have the personality of an old person. They're not lying though, I love knitting, baking, doing sudoku's, watching documentaries and sitting indoors.

You're welcome, I'm sure that reading through this entire post was absolutely riveting, enthralling, a life changing experience.

#pro@na #tw ana diary #ana trigger #ed diet #low cal restriction #sk1nnie #ana rules #pro a4a #an0rexic #th1n$po #tw ana thoughts

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aria-laughs · 4 years

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Real talk..(needed to vent, feel free to not read this if you don't like long rants)

When i was 11 years old i had already been through my fair share of crap. Coming from a "broken" home with little money, a depressed mother and an absent father. At that time i remember being bullied as a biproduct of my sister stoping one of her classmates (a 13 year old girl) from traveling half accross the contry to meet her 19 year old boyfriend who she'd met online for the first time.. under the pretence that she was traveling to visit my dad with my big sister. This all ended with the police stoping the train and picking the girl up before she reached her destination and everyone didn't have to suffer through the ordeal with a minor being raped or worse by a yound adult in a strange city..anyway. when the summer ended and we (me and my two siblings) gor back home, all these rumors spread about us and school became tricky. I got used to it tho, i had my friends and i quickly learned to keep close to teachers whenever i was alone. At the home front my mom became sick and the kids got a lot of grown up responsibilities. It was okay too.. kids get used to a lot, and today im a wizz in the kitchen and i clean with the best of them.

My mother had a temper, and would hit us when we did something wrong. I remember trying to cover for my siblings as much as possible, trying to shield them from the worst of it. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE my mother. She's been through hell and her sroty is worse than anything i've ever heard of. I understand what happened when i grew up and i love her because she allways did her best.. but i haven't forgiven her for making my home unsafe. At 11 years old one of my teachets notised that i had a hard time with my schoolwork. They couldn't get me to focus on my work and i was distracted by anything. I remember the letters mixing up as i read, and it became impossible to do my homework because no one could see the letters moving like i could. The teached contacted my mom and my stepfather and told them he'd talk to a specialist about me maybe having ADHD. The next week my mom dropped me off at the specialist and i got tested in every subject known to man. As usuall i exelled at language, history and music. But everything else was a bit off, i remember hearing him telling my mom that it couldn't be HDHD because my memory was too good. But refered her to a doctor for more tests. The ordeal took another week before my mother came to pick me up at lunch one day and told me we had to go to the hospital.

I had a thyroid condition that firsly was almost non-exsistent, and secoundly was unheard of in someone my age. They took blood, and sent me to get an MR and CT. When all the tests came back, we got the good news that i wouldn't die if they treated it quickly. But since i was still waiting for normal bodyparts to arrive, and hadn't gone through puberty yet.. he had no idea where to start. I don't remember the name of the medication, but i remember taking 15 a day. 5 in the morning, 5 when i got home from school and 5 before bed. I took them and 39 minutes later i was sprinting to the bathroom puking my guts out. This obviously didn't work in the long run and by the end of it i was so skinny you could see my teeth through my cheeks. They changed my meds and i stopped with the hurling. Instead i gained about 30 kg in the first 6 months and looked like a beach ball on legs. And as a kid being bullied, this wasn't that fun. Let me remind you that this had been going on for a while and tho my mom did what she could.. the was depressed and didn't see how bad it got for me and all the responsibilities i had at home made me dissapear in the day-to-day of it all. Alone and scared as the bullying became physical I panicked and stoped taking my meds, and all my symptoms came back. I would sleep for 14 hours and wake up exhausted. I'd go full days without getting hungry and i'd get moodswings and get real clumsy. My family got used to this and the symptoms stoped being symptoms and started being "just me".

So now i'd wake up and have to care for my siblings, go to school without lunch for myself because i had to make it for my siblings, or forgetting to shower because i had to remind my brother to do it. I get off the buss and get my ass kicked on my way to the classroom. Some days i'd get through it and come home to start dinner for my family, and other times the bullying sent me to the ER to get stitched up (i didn't have to make dinner on those days). This happened often enough that the doctor knew me by my first name, and instead of "how did you hurt yourself?) I'd get "Again!? When the nurses came to get me. One day i slept for 16 hours and my mother confronted me about my weightloss and asked if i'd been taking my meds. I came clean and a few hours at the doctors office and one frustrating car ride later. I'd promissed to take my pills again, but by that point i had ruined my body enough to never get better. So at 15 years old the doctors decided that they'd treat my thyroid with radioactive iodine. This worked great and killed the thyroid gland, making me dependend on meds for the rest of my life.

For anyone who don't know, the thyroid gland is responsible for your bodys metabolism. This means everything... your metabolism is a part of every funktion of every organ in your entire body, tho we usually think about how fast you burn fat because this is what we see on the outside.

We did our best, and we got through it. I had a safe place with my best friend and his family. And i'd escape there as often as i could. His mother would remind me to take my meds, she'd let me shower at their place and when she realised that i never ate at school she started packing lunch for me to send with her son every day.

I don't think i'd survive and be the person i am today without them. I remember the day i finally told them what was going on at home when i grew up, at this point i had grown up and moved away from home. I had started opening up to people i trusted and understood the power of talking about my problems. i never ment it as a "why didn't you see".. im thankful for my life, even the bad pars, but i needed them to know how much they saved me. To understand how much i love them all. I'll keep their reactions to myself, but i'll tell you that i have never felt more treasured in my life.

I was 22 years old the first time someone told me that I never deserved the abuse at home. I was 25 years old when i told my mother i forgave her for the physical stuff, but that i couldn't forgive her for stealing my feeling of home and safety. And i was today years old when i wrote it down for anyone to see.

I've been taking my meds for about 17 years now, but I have yet to actually get a normal metabolism. My last stunt was that i suddenly didn't need that much medicine so my metabolism speed up to lifethreatening speed and i had to endure panic attacks, dizziness, lack of consentration and shaking so bad that i almost quit school and almost sent me into a brainfailure (yes thats a thing) over the summer. My doctors paniced and reduced my meds so much that i didn't get nearly enough. This ended with me loosing weight, not eating, shaking, being sick and passing out all over the place, and almost sent me into a life threatening coma as my body overcompensated for the loss of thyroid hormones. My dad said something i've never heard my family say before. We were eating dinner last weekend and i was having a bad day when he told me "its painful to watch you struggle like this". And i almost cried, this was the first time in forever that a parent told me that they see me. And now i'm finally starting to get back to where im used to.

I have skipped a lot of stuff that happened. Some things i don't think i'll ever talk about, and some things that are too personal or too painful or too stupid to write down. But i needed to work through the new stuff, to reflecr back and to realise how close i came to loosing my life again this year. How lucky i am that i not only held on for dear life, but that with all the crap i felt. All the sickness and panic and everything. I managed to finish this semester at school. I managed to survive again, and im 6 months away from reaching my goal of allways being able to help when im needed. I am so proud of myself for getting to where i am today. And im so thankful!!

#my story #its a long one #im strong #i smile #student #nurselife #im okay

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nomand-berserka · 4 years

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A little openly honest abridged intro in to me and dealing with my head and my black dog.

I am the newly appointed Team Leader for West Yorkshire with the guys at Veterans Hike. @veteranshike

Ive found a love for hiking over the past few months, since this crazy lockdown here in the UK.

I have struggled a lot over the years since leaving the Army, still dont feel like I fit into the bracket called Civvie. I know that may sound a little cliche. But it is exactly what it is.

I joined the forces straight from school. There was nothing for me where I lived, and with a long proud military history in my family, I felt it's what I'd always wanted and knew in my early to mid teens, that I'd join up.

I felt I did pretty well, considering pretty much everyone I knew, thought that I wouldnt even make it past selection. Well I pissed on their parade let me tell ya.

I'm not going to go into the ins and out of my career. But the tours I did, were SFOR (peacekeeping) Bosnia 98 and Op Agricola Kosovo 99.

Now with that, I've seen some pretty fkd up stuff at the ages of 18 and 19.. But you crack on and get the job the done. Get back home and continue as normal.

Now upon leaving the Army, I felt very lost. Ended up going from job to job, due to not being able to fit in with or liking the people I worked with. Often getting pushed out because of having a different mindset... This turned into a serious dislike for people in general. There was no bond, no brotherhood, everyone out for themselves and didnt care who they fkd over to get what they wanted.

This became the time I started with the heavy drinking and the stupid violence, infact the drink and the violence became the reason I lost my family and almost ended up 6 feet under.

The violence continued, as I just hated everyone... for lots of different reasons. This then led to me serving time on a couple of occasions. But it still continued after being locked up... I didnt see it as a problem, as I just thought "I wont take peoples shit", and I'll show anyone who tries to give me shit. That it will lead to getting hurt. Jump forward to being left for dead with 2 stab wounds... Yes it got that bad. Maybe I was asking for my way out?

Jump forward a year or so of living a dark time.

Its then i got into martial arts (Muay Thai under the tutilage of master Ronnie Green 5 time world champion), a friend of mine didnt want to see me locked up again. Or with more perforations than a "Tetley Tea bag". This became my drive again, I'd found something I could focus on and put myself, my whole self into again.

First session in, I was hooked. Had my first full contact fight at just over 6 months and had plenty thereafter, still have the copy of my official invite to the 2013 world championships. This was my crowing glory moment... This is where I'd found the focus to not be that drunked violent ass hat. My fitness went through the roof and I felt good again for the first time in years

Injury got me though, put me right back to not being able to train. Even ended my career, I tried to train again, but way too soon. Causing myself more problems. Taking even longer to get back to 100%

My anger started to creep back, the bad food the drinking... and yes the violence. then jump again forward to going back to prison for a very violent episode in 2015. Where 2 people got badly hurt. I pleaded guilty. I tried to reach out for help before the day in court. But it was too little too late...

However, in prison this time in 2016 I asked for help. Where can i get it, and who can help me the most.. There was a small eager group called Care after Combat, they concentrate on helping Veterans, who are sent to prison. During and after release. (I'll go into them at a later date).

I've kept my nose clean since then, was officially Dignosed with PTSD in 2017, so done a few local therapy courses Anger Management, CBT but still no actual PTSD help as of yet. Combat Stress, I think may have forgotten about me hahaha.

But the thought of prison!!!! id rather not go back ever again. Plus I'm getting on now, and not a 25 year old dick head. Eith a chip on his shoulder about civvies anymore.

Jump forward again, to present Covid 19 times.

I'm a joiner now put myself through College 12 years ago. The outdoors have always agreed with me. But after a work accident last year in August I had 14 weeks sat at home gaining weight. Bordem drinking and eating shit and the head started to go again. But thankfully got back to work early December.

In March 2020 and we get Furloughed. For however long it may take.

So I gave myself THE talking to. Stay off the booze (well not completely hehe). Keep yourself busy. Find a focus in something, anything. Just dont he that dickhead again.

So here I am, I spend at least 3 days a week walking the Pennines and the moors between my beloved Yorkshire and the dark soggy lands of Lancahire. Its literally 20 minutes from my door to where I park the motor. My head still goes south, but more into the low mood and hating myself for allowing what I'd done in the past. I've had depression for years, but it was always over shadowed by my stupidity. So when it does that, i hit my local park and do 10 laps (8 miles) of that. Or just get my pack ready and hit the trails. Often doing around 15-20 miles.

Now I've started with a small Daystack and have started adding weight, carring 15kg. plus 3 litre camelback, food stuff and inclement weather gear. Its north of England the weather does what it wants. "If tha dunt lyk weather, jus bloody wait 20 minutes It'l change". hahaha.

Doing this has given me more drive in my fitness and massively boosted my mental state. Plus the escape from the rat race bollox that we all have to live through. More and more people have started to notice my weight loss. Down from 20 stone to just over 17 stone. Now I'm as round as I am tall, but for a fat lad I've been told I'm pretty fit... Guess all those years in the Army, years of Muay Thai and Kempo Jiu Jitsu. It must have left some form of conditioning and muscle memory. So this again boosts me. I'm now picking up the weights at home and even got a bike... so this new found fitness is a fantastic feeling again... it's not just about keeping busy anymore, it's about showing people. Who I'd alienated during all these years, that I'm not the same guy, and they are wanting to come on hikes with me now

(Its also pushed me to train for the 3 peaks... but that's another story for another time)

It's also the biggest Therapy I can give myself, sometimes I go it alone and sometimes I have company. The outdoors is literally where I feel at my easiest and most peaceful... The benefits are there for everyone who knows me, to see. Its physically demanding, but it's so peaceful. If I bump into other people, there is always a nod a smile and a "morning/afternoon" exchanged. Not all people are nob heads haha!

I cant stress enough how good it feels to keep occupied physically and mentally, buy doing something I never thought I'd do...

It's become my passion... I'm looking into longer routes all the time, and now looking at some proper outdoors gear. Better rucksack even a tent. If being up the hills for a few hours or just a day, makes me feel things are better. Then surely a couple of days and nights will be even better...Right?

I want to thank anyone who takes the time to reads this, however you see it. Be it on insta, Tumbler or FB. So cheers guys and gals.

We all have hardships, we all need that help at some point. Go out and find what makes it all better, please guys. We all deserve to smile for what ever reason.

Who knows, we may even cross trails someday. You'll always get a smile and a nod from me.

Steve

The Nomad Beserka

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kelleah-meah · 4 years

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What Life Do I Want (Pt. 2)

This one ...

10. A beautifully furnished home that reflects my Piscean and Aquarian nature. (Yes, it’s the same photo. That’s how much I like it.)

March 2024 update: 90% (I’m getting there. Obviously, anything can happen at any time, but if I can get a few other things stabilized finalized, I can then finish getting my home decor pretty much the way I want it. Atm, it’s certainly close to where I am headed.)

11. A body that’s healthy and 40 lbs. lighter (at least)

March 2024 update: 30% (Technically, I did accomplish this back in 2020. I actually lost 40 lbs. But then I went back to work, and the stress of dealing with those folks made me gain a lot of it back. So atm, I am 15 lbs lighter than I was when I made this goal back in 2020. Here’s hoping I can get butt into gear and lose the remaining 25 lbs again.)

12. A wardrobe (mostly new) that complements my fit-inspiration body

March 2024 update: 25% (Um, yeah. I need to lose the weight and keep it off first. But I have been sorting through things that are no longer flattering on me, which is a part of the process.)

13. Spiritual enlightenment and the temperance that comes with it

March 2024 update: 40% (Believe it or not, this is going pretty well. Granted, I need to spend more time on shadow work to truly make a difference in this area, but all in due time. Change is a process.)

14. A healthy diet with an occasional crave night

March 2024 update: 65% (My diet isn’t too bad. I actually eat pretty healthy considering my financial limits and the cost of living is more absurd than usual lately. But there’s definitely room for improvement. Tbf, I don’t think diet is my main problem. It’s emotional health and inconsistent exercise that are the biggest contributors to my vices.)

15. Create art for myself (painting, drawing, etc.)

March 2024 update: 45% (I’m doing much better in this area than I thought I would. I’ve found myself sketching more and even started painting my bookshelves just for fun. I hope to get some canvases and put my new easels to work later this year.)

16. Write a book of short stories/essays and get it published

March 2024 update: 5% (Tbh, 5% is generous here. I haven’t worked on this goal at all in the last 4 years. But who knows what the future will bring. Everything in due time.)

17. Focus my business on writing content for magazines and copy for artists, healers, entrepreneurs, nonprofits and charities

March 2024 update: 20% (Again, not really had a lot of progress on this of late. But hopefully, that will change as I get my act together. I'm also not that interested in getting my content into magazines that much anymore.)

18. Read more books regularly

March 2024 update: 30% (I’ve only seen a change in this area recently. But maybe I've finished multiple books around the same time because I was reading them at the same time instead one at a time. Maybe I would've finished them sooner if I read them one at a time. 😂)

19. Attend events -- plays, gallery openings, concerts, festivals, book signings, etc. -- when I can make time without worrying about the price

March 2024 update: 65% (Until recently, I was seeing shows pretty regularly over the last 4 years in spite of the lockdown. But as I recognized that my credit card bills aren't going to get any smaller at a substantive rate if I keep spending money on entertainment, I've made myself rein it in more in the past 2 years. Interestingly, this has made me appreciate going out more. 😊)

20. My hair always looking attractive (to me) when I leave the house

March 2024 update: 25% (Um, yeah. Not there yet. Although I am becoming more accepting of my hair's idiosyncrasies, so that's something, right? Plus, I'm back to considering dreadlocks again. 🤔)

#this life #part 2

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masslessobtrusion · 4 years

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This was the last conversation I had with Lauren before she passed away...

It’s unedited besides some names and cities. Lauren It hurts me and stresses me out and triggers me to know you're high right now and I just celebrated my 90 days completely sober from everything yesterday and I want to cry and because of that i can't talk to you for my sake and well-being because this is the first time in my life I have put myself first and I feel great except I'm stressed out now. It's nice to have a sober support group to help, but still ?? Lauren I can't talk to you because I cry and it threatens this great thing I have right now and want to hold on to Ryan I've actually been clean. I'd rather have you as a friend than be high. Lauren That's fucking awesome!! But I need time still and I'm learning patience too Ryan No one talks to me, everyone cancels their plans on me, just because I told them about it. I really need a friend. Lauren It's hard to see you and very confusing and uncomfortable I can't talk to you. Ryan what if I flew you to ****on august 26th. no access to anything and the maywether/McGregor fight is on. the pool is heated, it feels awesome I'll do anything to have you as a friend. Going to home was a nice change in my routine. rollcall is banned forever, markets went down. There's no getting anything. Lauren All I can say is if you want people in your life, open yourself to the idea of AA and get yourself a sponsor and find a way to see what the program is all about past the God stuff. Because what it's really all about is a bunch of fucked up people who have lost everybody and everything getting together and making friends and supporting each other. You will find friends and support through AA. Lauren That's all I have to say. Bye. Ryan Hey, please don't do this. I'm totally good. So many people cut me out of their life. I stopped benzos and kratom is down to one small spoon in the morning. i'm lifting weights. I'm feeling good about uber. Lauren Join AA. Ryan ok Lauren not that you join. Just go. Every day. Ryan if that's what you want me to do to be friends with you. I'll do it. Lauren You will find people. Ryan I don't really want people like that. Just my old friends who don't use. Lauren That's what it will take. AA. Just keep going. Ryan I'm glad it's helping you. It is, right? Lauren More than anything. I have legit friends now and most of all I have support for anything that's bothering me Ryan I figured this would happen. But was hoping that you could not cut me out your life. I won't do anything to hurt you or your sobriety. I promise. Keep me at a distance for a while. But please don't cut me out. Lauren I stay away from guys like they suggest because of 13th stepping Ryan I saw your new fetlife. ?? Lauren AA has changed my life. And no, I don't believe in God. Ryan But I'm glad you're not getting 13th stepped. Lauren I have to until you're completely sober and have a sober support network through either smart recovery, na, or aa Ryan Could you be my support if I need it? I don't care about drugs. I just want a friend to bullshit with. Lauren I can't because men stick with men and women with women for distraction purposes Ryan and you've been my best friend for a long time now. I don't care if you have a boyfriend or you're getting tied up and stuff. Lauren Do AA. You'll meet people and see them everyday at meetings. Its nice Ryan I like you so much. It would be devastating. I'll do it. I have a pinball tournament tonight and am possibly meeting up with arielle, her boyfriend, and ashley. But feel like they'll flake. But I'm still playing pinball. I'll go to a meeting ASAP. I promise. I mean it. Lauren It would seriously be the best thing you ever do. You'll thank me, I promise. But you have to keep going even if you think it's a crock of shit at first. People start off going in pissed off all the time until they start to realize it helps. Ryan I'll probably do NA though. The way you're talking feels like you've be indoctrinated into something that excludes people. I'm glad that you're safe and being healthy though. but i want your friendship. It's pretty much the most meaningful thing to me. and to lose that. I would have nothing. I've been hanging on, waiting for you all of this time. I want to be a positive influence for you Lauren I wouldn't say that. I would say check out both. I've found the people in AA are better but na is more relatable People in na tell more war stories so it might be a better place to start off because you'll have stuff to talk about. Thing is though more people go to meetings high than in aa Ryan I met a new girl too. Nothing serious. But it's a confidence boost. And you're still #1 to me. Lauren All I can tell you is that If you keep going every day you will meet people you can relate to and who will be there for you Ryan actually, I probably won't see her for a long time, because she's moving. okay, I love you though and want you to be my best friend. What's the word? Standard? Just, no matter what. Always be available to me. This attitude that you have is good. You're in control and you set the rules. I'm okay with that. I don't want to be abandoned again. It's the shittiest feeling. and I don't want you to say it's selfish. Lauren I'm available if you get sober because once you're sober, in order to stay sober it's a good idea to avoid people who are using or drinking. It makes sense... Ryan Because you're the only person that really knows me and one of the very few humans that will talk to me. Lauren sober Ryan would be like the Ryan I first met biking... trail running... Ryan I didn't do anything bad. I won't in the future either. Lauren POSITIVE. http://www.*****.org/meetings Meetings | ***** Area of Narcotics Anonymous The 8888Area is part of the *** Region of NA with meetings in ***, Brighton, Longmont, and Louisville, Nederland, and Westminster. ********.org Ryan guhhhh, my cardio sucks, but I've been lifting dumb bells and push ups and I gained some weight. I'm like 155-160 Lauren it sucked when you first started doing it years ago but you got past it and felt great! I remember. You were so confident! it's such a relief to hear you're on the right path Ryan shoulder pain still controls me. Lauren really. Ryan yes. Would you want to go to STL with me next month, get an airbnb? or I could fly out there? Lauren Here. Go to the Longmont one at 7pm tonight while it's still fresh from talking to me http://www.*******.org/meetings/wednsday Ryan and you can see me being healthy and sober. I have plans tonight. Pinball and possibly friends. But definitely pinball. Lauren I'm going to be at the halfway house next month. I'm staying with my uncle until a space is available it's a tournament? Ryan yeah Lauren then go tomorrow http://www.*******.org/meetings/thursday Ryan and i wanted to see if arielle and her bf wanted to get happy hour sushi before. Lauren seriously, ignore everything "god" and just meet people Ryan and ashley said she would hang out and smoke weed with me from a guy she knows that grows and she bought a bunch. but everyone flakes out. Even Robin did for camp dick, planned it 2 weeks ahead. Then he tells me his friend is having a going away party that weekend a few days before. Lauren well I hope everything works out Ryan I'll go tomorrow. Lauren let me know how it goes otherwise don't message me because it'll just make me sad ?? Ryan cool well, not the sad part but yeah, i'll do anything to keep our friendship going. Lauren you're going to meet people. that's what I think is going to be the best and when they ask if anyone's there for the first time... introduce yourself as Ryan and say it's your first na meeting ever Ryan okay thanks for the tips, anything else? Lauren people will come find you and introduce themselves. it's cool how friendly people there are. because they remember what it was like yeah... hang around awkwardly afterwards or bum a cigarette from someone and talk to them if no one comes to you lol Ryan If I do well and meet your expectations, can we hang out? people don't even talk to me at pinball. i hate it. sooooo many times, i start talking to someone and they just start talking to someone else Lauren maybe once you have some clean/sober time under your belt Ryan 15 days so far Lauren that's what's so cool! addicts love to talk to other addicts because they're blacksheep too no alcohol? Ryan i drank at my parents less than they did Lauren dude I found not drinking at all has helped with my mood SO much. just saying for me. Ryan I don't really drink alcohol though. Lauren i know you're going to meet people who are a lot like you I think you'll be surprised Ryan that's a possibility, but really. I'd rather just not have anything drug related in my life. Lauren "hey I'm Ryan. I'm an addict. It's my first time at any kind of meeting like this" Ryan I'm going to check it out though. Lauren thanks Ryan You'll be safe in St. Louis. Lauren it's going to be a while Ryan and we could watch the fights Lauren one step at a time. Ryan well, should I sell my vouchers then? Lauren yeah Ryan :( Lauren or find someone else because i can't go Ryan that was a little dramatic of an emoji Lauren oh lol Ryan but i just wanted a sad face Lauren got it Ryan so, how is fetlife? Lauren I have to go but I'll let you know I just chat with people and still haven't met up with anyone Ryan it kind of worries me. Lauren the tail pic is from my friend Richie who we webcammed with the one time (first kiss/high school friend) it was casual. Ryan doesn't seem like a sober living thing to do. But I suppose it's your rules. Lauren yeah, I'm more looking for a girl Ryan nice want to see the girl I've been hanging out with? Lauren no dude! Ryan ok Lauren hah ouch. talking to you hurts me enough Ryan oh Lauren but anyway I have to go Ryan I didn't mean to do that. I got the feeling that you didn't care. Ok, so, can I still talk to you and stuff. I'm so lonely. Lauren I just can't help but want to help you feel like you used to and find friends shit i'm so fucking up you really can't ?? Ryan I don't want rehab friends. I want hobby friends. Lauren it's part of my treatment plan and stuff that's not even AA related Ryan cool, I like hearing that you have a plan. Lauren yeah. i'm just doing what they tell me because i don't ever want to go back to drinking like i was a couple months ago or shooting dope obviously my decisions don't exactly work so i'm letting them make decisions for me... weird as that sounds. but it's working well so far ?? Ryan then don't talk about it until you're good at it. awesome I just hope you don't get taken advantage of mentally or physically. Lauren nah, i'm still ultimately in control of my life Ryan you're my #1 human. I don't want to lose you. I'll go tomorrow. Let you know about it. Lauren anyway, i can't talk to you for a while. but do the na/aa thing to make sure you stay sober (the counting days part is kind of cool too) and then we'll talk in a couple of months. but go everyday as something to do and a way to socialize and get out of that apartment Ryan a couple of months? why? I would never do that to someone. Lauren because i'm still fresh and easily stressed and because i want to make sure you're committed to this sobreity thing Ryan who is asking for help and it's me Lauren i'm letting you know it's what I feel is best for me it's a couple of months. it's not a couple years. Ryan okay, but I'll support you too. Lauren you can randomly message me with how many days you have Ryan I feel like, just empty. i knew this would happen. Lauren if I don't respond don't think I don't care... know that I'm seriously smiling Ryan my intuition, you know it's legit. Lauren you've got this . Ryan we're no different than the hundreds of stories I've read Lauren now go out and meet people! *hug* Ryan I'm willing to support and help you with whatever you want. Lauren bye Ryan You're giving me a "god bless" like southern women do when they really mean something else. it's not necessary. fuck now I have absolutely zero people who I thought care about me. I've reached out to so many people. This isn't helping anything. If it were, I would tell you. You're super hot too. I don't think you realize how much of a difference that makes. Why not make me go to a reddit meetup or something, maybe I could network instead of focusing on drugs with current and former addicts. I've always disliked other users. You know this. Just bringing up counter arguments. annnnd Ashley just flaked out, didn't see that coming. Arielle flaking out should happen in about an hour. I may go camping by myself, just not ask anyone to go, because they just flake out 9/10 times. Dude, I have no one to talk to. and I want to talk to you. I'm going to go crazy talking to myself, without you responding. Can we set up a schedule to talk? Ryan I'm telling you that this hurts me. It does. I hate being abandoned, not invited and flaked out on more than anything. I feel kind of used too. I was there for you all of this time. All of the phone calls. And then I'm abandoned when I'm doing what I consider good. Those people are going to tell you to tell me to fuck off. That's what makes me think about cults and seperation. It's black and white. And I'm not black and white. so, i'm begging you, whatever is in your head. Just treat me like you used to. Please, I'm desperate as can be. So, can we set a scheduled time, so there isn't random ghostings. annnnnd Arielle just cancelled. Lauren And this is why I fucked up in talking to you. Now I feel guilty and stresses out. Learn patience. Good. Bye. Ryan What did I do? I'm asking for help and friendship. I'm being nice as can be. Am I not? Tell me what I'm doing wrong, so I can learn from mistakes. and im blocked wtf, you really just unfriended me? Lauren? please I would never do this to you. You don't feel like it's wrong at all? i'm just going to cry and remember that everyone treats me like shit. I'm some worthless piece of shit. So I deserve to be treated like one. I would never ever treat you or anyone like this. Lauren I blocked you then realized there was a take a break option then unblocked to do that but realized,you can still message me and now I have to wait 48 hours to block you So please let me take a break! Ryan Don't block me Lauren For my Fucking sobriety This is why they tell me not to talk to you! Ryan why, even think about it. I want you to be sober. I'm being supportive. Lauren I'm stressed as fuck now You're NOT! Ryan Yeah, they do that to everyone. It's like a cult. Like I said earlier. I've read hundreds of stories. But you can make exceptions. If you have a friend in need of help. Lauren You're making me feel guilty and stresses and cry because you're not letting me go for a while Ryan I'm not asking for much. I said I would go to an NA meeting tomorrow. Lauren Just PLEASE stop messaging me For me. Ahhhhhhh! PLEASE. Ryan I just want you to respond or have a certain timeframe of when you can respond to me. Otherwise I get upset. Lauren I. don't. Know. Ryan because I have NO ONE to talk to. absolutely no one. Lauren When you're 90 days clean and sober from everything, ok? Use meetings to help Now please Let me go This is killing me Ryan It doesn't have to be so black and white. I'm on your side and you're treating me like an enemy. I've always been on your side. I want to help you. Lauren Because you're being an enemy to my sobriety and my well being and it's selfish. Ryan I didn't do anything. I sent you pictures of a dog and told you77777 that I'm sober. I was being happy and stuff Lauren Leave me alone!!!!!! Don't talk to me. Ryan ok9 Get some sober time and then talk to me. But don't talk to me now. Thank you Ryan I'm fine and the most sober I've been in a long time. it's not a competition. but i will look elsewhere for friendship, or just cut myself or something. This sucks either way. I'm not going to be your enemy. Because I'm not and never will be. I just lost my best friend of 3-4 years. The closest friend I've ever had.

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charlottewinslow · 7 years

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Hi Charlotte! Fellow 5'3 person here :) I was wondering how long it would take to lose the "freshman 15" (okay, 20) using your affordable fitness program! I'm usually 105 lbs, but gained 20 last year. I've lost 10 so far but I've been struggling to lose the final 10, and while I know a lot of people look AMAZING at 115, I have a tiny frame and pretty well all of the weight is fat in my legs. You look great and I'd prioritize looking slim and toned like you over meeting my goal weight. Thanks!

Yes that makes sense! :) ❤️ As soon as ~1-2 months on my programs. ^_^

http://www.charlottewinslow.com/store/c1/Featured_Products.html

#ask

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shudderspeed-f8-blog · 5 years

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This is me. Yes I was mostly naked and I am old but I don't want to be a younger girl now that I am not. You know how much young girls to tear each other down when you could be building each other up? I didn't realize it until I was older but I was a pretty girl much prettier than in this picture and I was being thrown into a competition I never signed up for and it was vicious!

Now I am old enough to be your mother- a lot of mothers my age talk about their kids using Tumblr And I'm in a photo group page whenever that has a Tumblr thing Link extension that well I figured I'd add one and so I'm doing that. Didn't know which picture to post first and this one is not in that group however I'm putting it here since it's not like you can see anything "naked naked ".

Now that was several years and several pounds ago-not that I'd be embarrassed really at what I look like now because I'm human and it's not like I've given up on myself. I have this tumor on my pituitary gland and no health insurance and it's wreaked havoc on my whole endocrine system including my weight which is usually around 125 pounds. I mean I normally wear a size 7 dress and I didn't need to wear a bra I was a small B cup but in the last 2 years my system just turned on me no matter how healthy I eat or how much I could move even though I started getting exhausted. Even with a little movement I kept gaining weight and I was like what the f**** Happening to my body?

My voice got lower suddenly I had boobs like giant boobs And it's deep voice giant boobs I was starting to wonder if I was turning into some kind of hermaphrodite but I'm not now it's all the stupid shit of arguments with medicaid and all this other crap just to see if I qualify for radiation and if it's operable because it's growing ... And of course I'd love to be a size 7 again but I would not like to be 21 again I would not like to be 16 again I would even wanna be 35 again.

I see these younger girls and theyll fight over anything and other girls will turn their friends against each other just to see what happens, just to knock out the competition and it sucks because if it's about a man it's really not worth it-there's so many of them and most of them are not that special .

I have a couple friends I've had since childhood in high school one of them since we were 14 and another since we were 13. I lost a friendship that I had for 30 years since we were 7 and 8 and that might as well have been over a man because it was over a woman I introduced her to-her future wife who was my college best friend and it turns out I didn't know her very well. And all I can hope is one day my original friend w see that I wasn't the person her current wife drew me out to be: I am the same person she met the summer there was first a woman in the presidential election (even though she was running mate with a man for vice president and even though she didn't win) and most of the people who might read this were far from being born.

Now even girls in their twenties look at me as a mother figure and I'm OK with that I want them to know I'm not the competition and I advise them no man is worth your best friend falling out with you 'sisters before misters" that's our "bro code" and look at the way that guys say it: they call it "Bros before hoes" and we're not "hoes" which is why women should stick together because it feels safer to be able to laugh when you're almost 44 with somebody you've known since summer camp and have a million nicknames for your ex boyfriends that you went cried your hearts out to each other over when they seemed so important at 15 20 25 for God's sake my pisces friend from summer camp is now an incredible artist who travels the world and we had a fight that lasted 10 years now I understand it as an adult but I sure ship didn't when I was 21. She was in my wedding and she laughed 21 years later and I laughed with her when I told her I wore my wedding dress to my divorce and I did see most I ever paid for one dress might as well get more than 1 where out of it and it fit me better the 2nd time this time I had boobs still anyways This is my Tumblr and it's probably going to be full of pictures of cats , Astrology posts and the man I live with. Good luck and hope you have a better day than you have so far.

- the aperture

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claraoswald81 · 6 years

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