Tumgik
#like you literally cannot make this up. you just can’t
Decepticon purring headcanons!
There’s no Dreadwing or Airachnid in this. I forgot they existed.
Edit: Dreadwing has been added!
Shockwave: Purring is an emotional response, which means Shockwave cannot do it. At least, not voluntarily. Maybe the shadowplay isn’t 100% successful, or maybe the fact that it represses emotions doesn’t necessarily mean it prevents all physical response resulting from those emotions.
When Shockwave finds himself purring, it is completely out of his control. He doesn’t see it coming, and he cannot stop it.
It would confuse him. He doesn’t know why his frame is responding in this way because he literally doesn’t have the capacity to understand. Shockwave sometimes has trouble distinguishing emotions he sees in others, especially during complex situations or when the person reacts in an unexpected way. It would be even more difficult to understand how and why he reacts to emotions that are no longer there. I can see him alone in his lab, trying to understand where the sound is coming from until it hits him.
He has a very deep voice, very deep purr to match. It’s not a sound you would immediately register as a purr, and if Shockwave heard it post empurata recovery, he wouldn’t recognise it as his own at first.
Tumblr media
Megatron’s purring is very loud and deep. He sounds like an idling tank, the sound alone making you aware of just how mighty he is. However, he does not do it very often, because there isn’t really anyone Megatron can open up to like that. It’s lonely at the top, especially when you’re purposefully building a reputation as someone to be feared even by your own troops. But he’s part of the “purring while recharging” crowd, and sometimes, when he’s really passionate during a speech or particularly enjoying a battle, you will hear the powerful rumbling of his engine.
Fun fact: Predaking would not be able to purr because he doesn’t have an engine, at least not in the way other cybertronians do. Predacons in general would instead show their trust by shutting their optics, the way tigers do because they can’t purr either. Maybe they’d be able to make a similar sound with their voicebox but it wouldn’t be a true purr, more like a growl.
Tumblr media
I think this gif is really funny. He’s looking under his arm because he can’t see around his ridiculous bigass shoulder pads. Stupid bird /affectionate
Starscream, once he feels relaxed and safe, will purr excessively. It’s very easy to draw the sound out of him if he trusts someone. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really happen often. He has a reputation to maintain among the decepticons, and he is very good at hiding his true feelings. Also, most days he can’t really feel at ease on the Nemesis, he’s constantly watching his back for one reason or another. He does it quite often if he’s alone though, it’s a self-soothing thing. (Cats do that when they’re injured or stressed, and those two things happen to Starscream a lot during the show.) Although it would take a lot of time and patience for him to express a possible vulnerability someone by purring, it’s definitely possible. You would know he’s being genuine about his feelings when he does, because he can’t fake a purr.
Soundwave: Cybertronians that don’t speak are still able to purr because the sound comes from the engine, not the voicebox. But for Soundwave specifically, I’m not sure if it’d be considered breaking his vow of silence if he purred. Must be embarrassing either way. He would probably (attempt to) repress it in most situations. When he does purr, it’s barely audible. Probably makes a whirring sound, and you’d be able to feel the vibration all throughout his frame. Similarly to Megs however, Soundwave doesn’t really have anyone to open up to and be chill with. Personally I don’t ship them, but if you do it’d make sense for them to do it together. Being the only person the other can truly open up to and whatnot.
Tumblr media
Knockout is probably the Decepticon who purrs the most openly. He’s not really ashamed to openly express his feelings. Unlike the high command, he has no reason to really hide it. Knockout has quite a powerful engine, and his purrs sound more like revving than idling.
On the other hand, Breakdown is not as loud as him. Actually, he’s surprisingly quiet for a bot his size. That’s not to say he doesn’t purr as often in Knockout’s company as the doc does in his. It’s a gentle, peaceful sound. You could fall asleep to it.
Dreadwing is not ashamed to let his feelings show. He is professional and composed, yes, but he’s never going to try to hide the fact that he’s happy. He considers doing so to be the same as lying. And sure, Decepticons usually aren’t averse to deceiving, but then again he isn’t your average Decepticon. When he purrs he does so proudly, not considering the continuous rumbling of his engine to be an expression of vulnerability. Rather, an expression of passion. His purrs are loud and make his entire frame vibrate.
He never purrs when he is fighting, considering doing so to be disrespectful but able to understand why someone like Megatron would.
That’s all, folks! Might to an Autobots version, but I don’t know them as well as the cons. That’s mostly be general headcanons.
112 notes · View notes
tater-tot-jr · 1 day
Text
Yapping time! Spoilers for DRDT C2E14
So the entire episode was great, but there’s one part I’d like to talk about most. David’s monologue towards the end. Specifically the second half, where he gets away from his logical stuff and into the more interpersonal stuff. I’ll break it down line by line.
“All I want is for Teruko to distrust others.”
Okay we are starting off interesting. Now, due to David’s nature we can’t trust him to be honest. We cannot take this as explicit confirmation of any sort of goal. With that said, his goal appears to be fucking up the class trial in some manner. We don’t know his motive, but that goal seems consistent enough to work with. So let’s work with it. Teruko is literally one half of this classes helpful trial participants. Her and Charles are the entire brain of this class. Charles can be killed, he has a glaring flaw in a debilitating fear of blood, he’s easy enough to deal with when the time comes. Teruko is stupidly resilient. To everything. The one thing she obviously struggles with is her trust issues/paranoia. If you’re looking to get under her skin that’s where you gotta go. Saying this is a clear demonstration he intends to poke at Teruko emotionally, which is an interesting thing to admit out loud. If I had to guess, it’s because he’s trying to kill two birds with one stone and make the class start to distrust Teruko as well.
“That’s why I’m doing this, telling such obvious lies.”
This is him saying he’s lying about seeing the body, I think. He’s doubling down on inciting paranoia, in both Teruko and the class. It’s interesting he would say this out loud. He’s hyper focused on fucking with Teruko and it shows. If you take out the brain, the body goes as well. It’s certainly a strategy of all time.
“There is no other proof of Eden’s innocence.”
As far as we know, this is a true statement right now. Unless I’m unaware of something that was the biggest piece of evidence meant to clear her name, and he brought it into question.
“As long as there’s a possibility that the evidence is false, as long as there’s even the slightest reason to distrust others, then Teruko cannot trust Eden.”
Oof, he’s got her dead to rights. I don’t think there’s a good faith argument for him being wrong. It’s cool to see how much he understands the cast. It’s an interesting way to show how Teruko’s thoughts process works without betraying her guarded nature. Having a character so ready to pick at her weakness is a good writing choice, and I hope they keep David around for a time. Teruko is the least trusting character I’ve ever seen in any fangan game, granted I haven’t played them all but still. There’s a chance the story doesn’t have any sort of lesson, and we’re just gonna watch Teruko suffer. The idea that she can’t bring herself to trust if there’s even a 0.001% chance of something being false is such a good character flaw. She’s clearly terrified of risk, and she doesn’t know how to get rid of her paranoia, even though I think she wants to.
“Isn’t that right, Teruko?”
Ohohoho you smug piece of shit. You fucking dick. This is more proof he’s not just saying these things in an objective way. He’s just trying to hurt her, as far as we can assume.
“…”
Yeah she’s fucking rocked. Teruko really doesn’t take things lying down. Befitting of her backstory, she’s the type to struggle and fight back against anything she can. But here she has nothing to say. David has read her for filth and they both know it. Now that I think about it, this probably also plays on her fear of being vulnerable. What could possibly be more vulnerable than someone telling you your own exact thought process?
“It’s in your nature to distrust people.”
This is a more interesting statement than it appears at first glance. Specifically because he says it’s in her nature. To him, this isn’t a choice she’s making because of the killing game. It’s not circumstance that has pushed her into this. No, this is who she is, and this is who she’ll always be. Which is a horribly insulting thing to say, because it’s within most humans nature to trust each other somewhat, and it’s life circumstances that push them away from collaboration. He’s saying that Teruko is so fucked in the head that she’s fundamentally different from the standard human baseline.
“Everyone you know has already betrayed you. There’s no one in this world who won’t hurt you. Even the people you love will turn their backs on you in the end. You know that well enough, don’t you?”
…Jesus Christ. He really is just the devil on her shoulder. These are her worst thoughts said out loud and back to her. Do you think she considers someone dying on her and leaving her alone a betrayal? Is that a part of this? Him saying “even the people you love” is interesting, does she really even have anyone she loves in the cast? Or does she just tolerate them. He’s making grand, sweeping statements about her life potentially before the killing game and hitting the nail on the head every time. An impressive feat of manipulation and perceptiveness.
“So distrust in others. Because that’s the only way you know how to live.”
Ow. Ouch. Owie. Not only is this a banger way to end the monologue but it’s just so telling. Teruko doesn’t even say anything in response she just waits for Charles to change to subject. Also, is he even really wrong? She tried to afford people trust and then she got stabbed and everyone else blamed her. She’s definitely swung too far the other way, but it’s not like she was good at knowing how much trust to afford people. This life is really the only way she knows how to live. How things are now, she’ll suffer any other way. It’s such juicy character writing. Damned if you do damned if you don’t. David has definitely been watching Teruko’s behavior, and quite frankly he has her figured out. He’s perceived her, and she hates it. I think we all know Teruko is lonely, she deeply wants people around her. But between being a danger to them and all her trust issues she shuts herself away. David is doing everything he can to keep her as far away from forming meaningful connections as possible. He’s clearly got some sort of plan.
There’s also a few things I want to talk about that I didn’t have the ability to put under a spoken line, so I’ll yap down here.
Firstly, Teruko extending some “trust” to Eden doesn’t prove David wrong. If anything, it strengthens his argument. Looking at the actual content of Teruko and Eden’s back and forth, it’s barely a scrap of trust and it’s completely conditional. Teruko basically said “because you helped me last trial I will trust you enough to investigate you second” which is still incredible progress for her, but it’s nothing close to genuine trust. This is not to diminish the progress Teruko made in that scene, but it’s nothing close to countering David’s claims.
Secondly, THAT VOICE ACTING HELLO?!?? David’s VA has always been great, but combined with DRDTdev’s wonderful writing and sprite design/choices he really brought this scene to life. He was perfectly smug and condescending. He had a voice that really portrayed that “I’m 100% right about you and you can’t do anything about it” vibe. Just a total piece of shit. 10/10 would listen again.
25 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Becoming the Lastnames (Will Wood)
But now we're kissing before brushing, smile with our whole faces/If you want a hypen last name I guess I don't mind the cadence
"Queer man singing about a slightly reluctant desire for a traditional marriage makes me emo as an aromantic person who would never get married for romance and does Not do traditional relationships but sometimes gets in my feelings that I'll never do things the "normal" way. I literally cannot hear those opening notes without crying"
Monster (Imagine Dragons)
If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me?/And if I seemed dangerous, would you be scared?/I get the feeling just because everything I touch isn’t dark enough./If this problem lies with me.
"Feeling like something is taking you over that you can’t stop and it’s isolating you from everyone else"
Poll runner: If Imagine Dragons has a hundred fans, I will be one of them. If they have ten fans, I will be one. If they have no fans, I will be dead. Thank you and good day. (Also any song titled Monster is probably going to fuck you up, justsayin)
Monster submitted by @pbear
31 notes · View notes
pocketsbigger · 2 years
Text
The most interesting thing that’s come out of this twitter debacle in the past 24 hours, aside from a majority (if not all) of HQ’s staff quitting, is a twitter thread with evidence proving that Elon Musk has literally lied about his credentials, among other things.
They also compiled their findings in a google doc for those who may not use twitter, image descriptions and video captions are also available here. Absolutely fascinating how bro is getting packed up on the site he paid billions for.
Tumblr media
[Image ID: Screenshot of a tweet from November 17th, 2022. Three images of court documents are added. Reads as follows— “Someone has to say it: Elon Musk has lied for 27 years about his credentials. He does not have a BS in Physics, or any technical field. Did not get into a PhD program. Dropped out in 1995 & was illegal. Later, investors quietly arranged a diploma - but not in science.” /.End ID]
Tumblr media
[Image ID: Excerpt from court document Eberhard v. Musk (2009) - San Mateo County Court, CIV 484400. Two sections are highlighted. First highlighted section reads, “Musk has falsely claimed to have a degree in Physics from the University of Pennsylvania that he obtained in 1995, when he in fact has no such degree and the only degree he holds was obtained later than that. Upon information and belief, Musk's only known undergraduate degree is a Bachelor of Science in Economics, obtained from the University of Pennsylvania in May 1997.” Second highlighted section reads, “In various Securities Registration Statements filed for PayPal with the Securities and Exchange Commission ("SEC"), Musk repeatedly represented himself as having received a B.S. in Physics from the University of Pennsylvania and a B.S. in Economics from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania in 1995.” /.End ID]
1 note · View note
angelnumber27 · 3 months
Text
I dont think some people understand how truly awful and hellish withdrawals from some psych medications are.
31 notes · View notes
mumblesplash · 9 months
Text
man i’ve had pretty serious art block before in the past but it was always more a lack of inspiration/irl stuff draining all my energy, currently Not having art block but getting hit by my first bout EVER of feeling like i just straight up can’t make anything that’s good enough and oh my god how do people deal with this
63 notes · View notes
sammygender · 2 months
Text
i just rewatched the rapture ohhhhh my god. such a good episode the jimmy stuff is actually fucking horrifying somehow even worse remembering claire grows up to be a hunter. then dean and bobby at the end locking sam in the panic room oh i hope they suffer. forever. he shouldve never spoken to their asses again
#im watching with my mom and she is having none of it. she was like BUT SAM SAVED THE DAY??? MORE PEOPLE WOULDVE DIED OTHERWISE#and as soon as sam and dean started talking in the car she was like Why is dean always so mean to him???#so true girl… you would do numbers on here#literally what good did it even serve. he gets OUT. they dont know he’s addicted they dont know anything it’s literally just because dean#sees sam drink blood and he freaks out and somehow thinks he has the right to fucking trick him and lock him up god im so mad….#can u imagine. i just dont think their relationship ever got over that. imagine knowing someone would do that to you#dean in s2 is all Omg i can’t kill sam :((( but he still accepts the idea that it’s his choice whether to do so. that all decisions about#sam are dean’s to make. dean can kill him if he wants. dean gets to lock him up if he misbehaves. it is harrowing!!!#the panic room is literally a punishment like there is NO reason why detoxing needed to be that hard#dean could’ve been with him talking to him it could’ve been something they approached together there are so many ways#he could’ve gone about it which still would’ve been fucked but would’ve been so much less worse#i literally cannot comprehend how you watch this show and come away thinking sam and dean are on equal footing#they hardly are from the start and they certainly arent after season 4.#after that stunt sam could kill dean and i’d support him#spn#oliver talks#sam winchester#sam & dean#spn s4
14 notes · View notes
calciferstims · 3 months
Text
tiktokers be like “I am going to create the most beautiful, relaxing, aesthetically pleasing video ever, with gorgeous lighting, and deeply satisfying content”. …….. “and then I’m going to cut the video fifty thousand times in thirty seconds-”
#chatting tag#WHY. WHY. PLEASE.#I swear like every gifset I ever see that comes from tiktok is like the most gorgeous shit I’ve ever seen in my life#(specifically those videos of food that have really sunny lighting. OUGH that’s my SHIT)#but then EVERY TIME there’s like 5 cuts in every single individual gif. and it drives me crazy#don’t get me wrong they are good gifsets and it is not the gif makers fault. and obviously I know why the tiktok makers do that#bc there’s such a short time limit on the videos and they want to keep their attention and what not#but I swear to god they will make cuts that are SO FUCKING UNNECESSARY like just cutting literal milliseconds out of a satisfying shot.#which makes it no longer as satisfying. why. why do you do this to me.#listen I just have this secret rule that I never use gifs that have any cuts in them at all in my boards#unless they’re like really really nice. but even then like only two cuts max or I go crazy. I don’t like how weird and choppy it looks!!!!#so then like all of the prettiest gifs ever. I can’t use. BC THERES SO MANY GIDDAMN CUTS#like there’s so many videos I’d want to make gifs of but you can’t even get like a millisecond long gif out of it without including cuts 😭😭#ugh. anyways. that was my unnecessarily petty and extensive rant that I’ve just been holding in for a while. sorry.#also sorry but the other thing that bothers me is that stupid logo taking up half the gif.#one of my othe hyper specific secret rules is that I cannot use any gif that has a visible logo or watermark on it bc it drives me nuts#and like. not to rag on gif makers. bc gif makers are the most wondrous thing in the entire world and everything they do is great.#but I DO know a REALLLYYY easy way to download TikTok’s without the watermark it’s so simple it would take like two seconds. please. for me#just look up tiktok video downloader there’s like four good functional websites immediately. it’s so easy#let’s all start doing this pls we could make the most perfect gifsets ever without that ugly ass logo#(again not mad at gifmakers. I love u gifmakers. muah.)
11 notes · View notes
kavehater · 2 months
Text
Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
5 notes · View notes
Text
one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
7 notes · View notes
remember-ur-alive · 2 months
Text
CHAT I MISS MY S^W YA0I
#I GOT REMINDED OF AN ASK I SENT BC OF GVNPLAY @DAVIDCRIES I MISS YOUUUUUUU#I don’t even know what happened to them but they disappeared off of the following of my old ns/ft blog and I can’t find them :(#(I know one letter was like an x or v instead I cannot remember for the life of me)#fuck it we ball im writing the ideas I remember here#str^hm and amanda au. obv#str^hm and amanda n<cro <3 this was one of my favorites bc it was toxic and major angst#l^wrence catching adam taking pictures of him (i dont remember what he did to him but it was silly and torturous ✨✨)#SIZE QUEEN H0FFMAN. THE CUTTING OFF A CERTAIN PART H0FFMAN ADJSDHDHDD#b0bby dagen s0unding with a stiletto <3 im not even into that i think my instincts against pathetic men (IAPM) just kicked in#l^wrence and his wife double d0mming adam. the way he literally would be happiest with two of the toughest d0ms i wrote#(they had a fantasy where alison punishes adam for him and l^wrence che^ting teehee. it had me wound up for days)#oagh there’s so many. I even know im missing a lot of them I was 24/7/365 hypersexual at that time ok#THE LOGAN/H0FFMAN STUFF. I STAND BY IT THEY FUCKED NASTY IN THAT WAREHOUSE. PROBSBLY LEFT MARKS AND STAINS NOBODY TALKS ABT TOO GRIMY MFS#OH. L^WRENCE MAKING FUN OF A SVBS STUTTER. I KNOW I WOULD CRY IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME (which is the point but whatever) BUT CMONNNNNNN#adam grinding on the end of l^wrence’s cane I think was either mine or just one of my favorites#l^wrence putting an escaped victim back into the trap to sit and watch them die <3#ST^LKER L^WRENCE 🥰🥰🥰 WHERE HE THREATENS YOUR FAMILY INTO CONVINCING YOU TO DATE HIM#amanda knifefvcking someone with the blade <3 again I stand by that#WAIT MY GVNPLAY THING WASNT EVEN GVNPLAY. WAILS I NEVER WROTE THEM WITH GVNPLAY??????????#ok whatever. last one is zepp thighfvcking someone at kn1fepoint <3#in conclusion. I am a normal person with normal fantasies who can be trusted with adult characters (as sirens go off in the background)
2 notes · View notes
pepprs · 11 months
Text
my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
18 notes · View notes
just-rogi · 6 months
Text
.
#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
2 notes · View notes
yshtal · 1 year
Text
playing inquisition first really is the move because you can finish the whole entire thing and won’t even realize how much of an absolute fucking slog it is until you start the other two
6 notes · View notes
lesbiansanemi · 10 months
Text
Me: maybe 8 days off will fix me, maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s alright
Also me: *is at work for less than two hours and already Wants to Die* Ah. Great.
#this morning already frustrated me#because so much shit was done wrong or wasn’t done at all while I was gone#because I basically manage the department even though that’s NOT MY JOB#so ofc I come back and everything is on fire and everyone is one omg you HAVE to fix this we just couldn’t do it/figure it out 🥺#when it’s something that’s so simple they just didn’t wanna do it well or right#but also#the stupid fucking gm was like ‘hey I need to talk to you. it’s about your disability accommodation’#and I. a fool. got really excited like omg!! are they finally going to approve it!!!#no. no. he basically told me to get fucked and it wasn’t going to happen#he said I could WEAR A FAN????? AROUND MY NECK???? and use that for white noise but that was it????#what???? the FUCK?????#number one I cannot express how much worse a fucking FAN going in my ears all day long would just make my sensory overload 10 times worse#but also how is that not MORE of a distraction and ‘unprofessional’ than just letting me wear my fucking headphones#I feel like crying. I just want to not leave work with a developing migraine every day because of sensory reasons#and a part of me is like suck it up you’ve been dealing with this for a year it’s not actually a big deal#at least you CAN work and it’s not so bad that you can’t that’s a privilege#and like… yeah…. but I literally feel so drained and miserable every single day#and this stupid job makes me want to kms#but I can’t quit cuz the pay is too good#and it’s just so frustrating because they’re like ‘we’re such a good and diverse company we treat our employees so well’#and the general public thinks it’s a GREAT company#so I just constantly here about how great and awesome and inclusive they are#but they won’t even let me have the accommodation of wearing fucking headphones#something every other job has let me do….#and it makes me so mad on behalf of every other person who probably got told no over disability accommodations for even more important and I#intensive things#and I just. yeah. I kinda wanna cry#but as always I cannot cry because I’m so emotionally stunted that all I can ACTUALLY feel are pissed off and frustrated#anyways. I need to break something#kaz rambles
4 notes · View notes
wibble-wobbegong · 2 years
Text
i need peter to be real so fucking bad in s5 simply because i am feelings things no human being should be able to feel over how he could’ve impacted henry’s story. i am Not a human being rn and im clawing at the walls because nobody sees the prophecy
13 notes · View notes