#like…last year this time…literally from march to may was one of the worst periods of anxiety for me since high school…it was terrible

[maiteo]

[callsignbaphomet]

Okay, so this is gonna be a long post and probably very detailed because I don't know how to summarize shit. I'm gonna be very honest in this post and it's nothing new to some of you but like I said I wanna be honest and in my being honest I may use certain language but it doesn't mean I'm making excuses for myself or looking for pity. I am just being very honest about how I feel. Now, with that outta the way, I wanna apologize for the length of this post lol

So as you may or may not have seen from a recent post I have been making plans to go back to school, technical school to be precise, but school nonetheless. Why? For the last 4 months I have been working very hard to find a job. I shit you not I have at one point filled out 30 applications in less than 72 hours. I've gone to countless job interviews, have wasted my own time, gas and money to be able to get a job. So far I landed that job at the airport but I left it before the week was out. See, during that interview I was promised a position directly with Spirit Airlines because of my previous 6 years of working at the airport. I only signed up because of that. So when I officially started I was then told they tell almost everyone that kind of thing to get people to sign up for the job. I was back at pushing wheelchairs only this time the company was somehow far worse than the one I had worked for previously. Pushing wheelchairs wasn't the problem. The problem was I had signed up for something in particular and was promised something wildly different than what I was facing. On top of that the first thing I heard on my very first day was "Watch what you say and to who to avoid drama. Also watch out for Nino because if she had a bad day she's gonna take it out on you."

...

What the fuck?

I also found out the hard way that leads don't like to help out other employees regardless of how busy the day is. I literally saw Nino seating her ass down all day long drinking coffee, meanwhile the rest of us were starving because we couldn't take our breaks because there were too many wheelchair requests. Hell, no. I left. I'm at an age where being a miserable sack of shit at a dead end job is NOT what I want.

And if any of you remember on February I'd been hired at The Exchange which is a U.S. military owned store. A glorified Walmart to be very fucking honest. I'd applied for a certain position and they put me in another that I couldn't do so they gave me the choice of either staying in that position or quitting. Not much of a choice. So countless mistakes on my part, a lot of humiliation, and gaslighting from management later I was fired for not being able to "perform my duties well". No shit, you piece of shit. Basically they set me up to fail which I did because they kept me in an area that I told them I wouldn't be able to work in and asked to be changed to the position I had applied to but they didn't. I even showed them all the email evidence but they all decided to tell me to my face that "I was aware of what I was doing". That was a super low point for me and my depression came back 10x fold.

Between March and July I was at the worst I'd ever been and being serious here video games kept me alive. I fucking sunk myself into ER and other games just so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I didn't really talk too much about it just to avoid thinking about it.

Then in July I got hit with the combo of covid and bronchitis and there I found I have diabetes. I legit wanted to fucking die right then and there. I hadn't felt that low since my last actual job, which, was the hotel.

That one single year at the hotel was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had a boss that CONSTANTLY kept telling me I was doing shit wrong. We were told to always remain driving the golf carts regardless of if it was raining or sunshine. My back hasn't been the same since. I was so stressed my period got fucked up and it was non-stop for a whole 2 months. I had to see a doctor and he even pointed out it was due to stress. My mental state deteriorated and I was in an ugly place. On top of that during that job was when I had that incident where some drunk asshole wanted to have his first gay experience and wouldn't take no for an answer and got VERY handsy.

That one whole year destroyed me and after I got fired it just destroyed my confidence and the effects are still affecting me. I legit question myself and I'm afraid of fucking everything. Every time I apply for a job I question if I can do it even if it's just standing there doing nothing. I will go hours on end worried half to death if I'll be capable of doing the job to the point of nausea.

So yeah, for a few years I avoided looking for a job because I was super afraid and depressed.

Coming back to 2022, around mid August I was actually doing a lot better, like pre depression me better. Sure it was due to the scare of catching the dieabeetus but the support from my family was so eye opening. It was life changing. So learning how to manage my radically different life I decided I was ready to get out there and get a job and get back on my feet after 5 years of depression.

It's been exhausting trying to find a decent job. The straw that broke the camel for me recently and made the depression pop back up again was an interview at a funerary home where they legit told me to my face, "We actually called you in for an interview because we were curious about this large 5 year gap between jobs. We were wondering if you just didn't wanna work."

.........

Listen, older people in the island keep parroting that nonsense about people not wanting to work anymore and it is so fucking damaging and harmful. Look, I am insanely proud of the younger generations telling shitty jobs that barely pay to fuck off and die. I am so proud that people have had enough of the abuse and want to stop it. So employers are out there crying that people don't wanna work anymore. No, you stupid puta, people are just so tired of abuse and barely making ends meet because y'all don't wanna pay people livable wages. I hate that shit, every time someone says that "no one wants to work anymore" I chew their ears off. I don't care who it is. I will verbally assassinate you if you say that garbage in front of me.

I've been working my ass off trying to find a job. Am I being picky about the location? Yes. Yes, I am. Traffic in Puerto Rico is a massive fucking nightmare. I don't want an 8 to 5 where I have to get up at 4:30 to be out at 5:30 to get to work at time and then get home at 9. I want to have enough time to get to the gym. Ever since I joined I've been losing so much weight and have been feeling so fucking amazing and it has had my diabetes in such amazing control that my A1C results went from 10.35% down to 4.2% from August to October! My family was in absolute shock when they saw the paperwork. So I do NOT wanna sacrafice my time at the gym for some crap job that'll treat me like shit, barely give me any time to myself and pay me horribly. Going to the gym has been the best decision of my life and I do not want to give it up.

So on to now. A year or more ago my aunt brought up courses of pet grooming to me but back then I was still deep in my depression and mess so I shrugged it off. Recently she noticed I was frustrated and stressed over not being able to land a job and she brought up the pet grooming courses again and I thought it was a good idea. I love animals, especially dogs, so working with animals, being able to set my own schedule, rules and do my own thing sounds like an amazing idea. So in February I'll be starting pet grooming classes. The course is 8 months long so if all goes well I'll be done by October.

I wanna dedicate all 8 months to the courses so looking for a job is on pause. The classes are 5 hours and 50 minutes from Monday to Thursday and I get overwhelmed easily. I've been stuck in a depressive jobless state for 5 years what's 8 more months? Besides, it was when I had full availability and I wasn't getting hired, a restricted schedule will make me seem far less appealing unless they're okay with a weekend warrior which I've yet to see.

What I'm getting at is that I am actually considering opening commissions just to get a teeny tiny bit of cash flow while at school. Now, I don't really have any unique angle to bring to the table, I don't have many followers, I am very painfully obviously self-taught but I'm willing to dedicate Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays to that. I'm still very unsure if I'll try that yet but I've been flirting with the idea. I wanna play around with some other ideas before I give a definitive answer. IF and when I do I'll make a post about it with all the info.

So yeah, that's pretty much everything covered. Sorry for the length but if you read till the end I am eternally grateful and I love you for it.

[argentiniandoom]

this is going to be a very long post of me rambling about some thoughts I've been having for some time. no need to read it but if you do, know that I love you and would give you a tender kiss in the forehead.

ok I admit I'm sometimes surprised at how little queerphobia I face where I live lmao. let me explain (no this is not a 'come to Buenos Aires' propaganda post, though I wouldn't mind if you are convinced by it):

so I realised I was bisexual at age 16 and immediately came out to my family over the course of the next few days. obviously 16 is not particularly late to figure out your sexuality lmao but it was surprising even to me since I knew I liked girls a lot for years. I still love women a lot, they're great. so great I'm now one too, which I started figuring out the next few years (it wasn't that long ago but it seems like it because of covid).

the response from my family was, admittedly, less than ideal. I definitely thought my family was a lot more 'progre' ('woke'). my sister was a terf back then and the first boy I liked was trans so yeah. and my mom became worried that I'd be punched on the street, especially when I started painting my nails and doing make up. I remember telling her 'don't worry, I'll punch them back' which was probably the worst answer I could have come up with lmao. my dad doesn't generally care that much one way or the other, or at least tries not to show it, though he sometimes drops a phrase like 'I'm just sad because that means I won't have grandchildren' which is wrong in at least 4 massive and entirely different ways, but tbf he is usually pretty understanding when I explain a subject to him well (which i kinda have to have the skill for). and my grandma, well, I don't talk to her anymore (though believe me, my sexuality is just the tip of the iceberg of the reasons why). on the other hand, the response from friends was great because the school I went to was 90% populated by queer people (though the only actual couples were straight so you'd only see straight kisses on recess, sadly 😔) and my college is probably higher than that lmao (I study filmmaking in a public university so yeah).

now, the response from the rest of the world (outside of places like say, pride marches or gay bars) was of absolute indifference. in the best way possible. I have noted some people looking at me when I use my full skirt but like, I look at anybody too for no reason . I never felt threatened or anything like it by a stranger. and from my acquaintances, like my dentists who I visit since I was born (literally, that very day) or the adults in the spaces I frequent, I usually only got passing remarks about my nails or skirt, and I was even offered nail polish once.

now I'm definitely not saying no response was ever bad. last period I had the worst teacher ever who loved humiliating students and always tried doing that one way or the other. the first time I showed up with a skirt he asked me twice if it was indeed a skirt (the second time asking if it was a monk's habit lol) and then proceding to give an example about the day's subject by using the story of a man wearing a skirt because it was the fashion or something. and look, that was, I believe, the most bigoted experience I ever had, BUT, while that may sound terrible and, for many queer people in most contexts, absolutely would be, let me make clear that this teacher is at the very least somewhat disliked by most students and he was trying to mock me in front of a class made up entirely by 18 to like 25 year olds, probably half of them queer. I found that amusingly pathetic more than anything else.

the only other (actually) bad experiences I had were comments made by some adult acquaintances, but all of them (that I can remember) were either questions from genuine ignorance, or easily countered, innocent opinions, if a little stereotypical. literally the only times I was actually insulted for being queer ware before I realised I was queer myself. that is, I was called mean things like 'puto' (kind of like the f-word but much more watered down and reclaimed lmao) by 15 year olds at my high school. obviously it's not great that that's normalised, but at the same time, it was just a mean group of teens. I have never been bullied for being queer nor do I think I would have. I was bullied for other stuff, sure, but that's a whole different issue.

now, that was a bold claim, saying 'I don't believe I would have been bullied for being queer.' I wanna clarify, this is based on personal experience and opinions and info I have on my schools and schoolmates, and definitely not a general claim about schools in Argentina or even Buenos Aires city. we still have trans people murdered here, and '¿Dónde está Tehuel?' ('Where's Tehuel?', a young trans man that was disappeared in early 2021 and has not yet been found) is still an important issue and a slogan for queer people and activists. we're not a country free of queerphobia by any standards, especially (from what I know) outside of Gran Buenos Aires (Buenos Aires City and the sorrounding metropolitan area). but that doesn't negate the fact that I have never, personally, been in any way attacked by anyone. people don't treat me differently, especially strangers. that said, I am still generally male presenting, just with some feminine gender expression, and I'm pretty big so most people would probably think twice before insulting me on the street lmao. so I may not be the best example, but I am the one I have.

again, that does not mean systemic queerphobia doesn't exist here, it is definitely not just a few bad apples. but we are still a country with a long history of very important social struggles, one of the first to legalize gay marriage and gender transition with one of the most progressive gender identity laws in the world.

the fight is far from over, but I can't help notice chatty old people will talk to me equally. that may be a bit weird, but it is something I'm glad for.

[2-cute-4-school]

𝓠𝓾𝓲𝓭𝓭𝓲𝓽𝓬𝓱 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓬𝓸𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮

Group : NCT

Pairing : Griffyndor! Mark Lee x gn! Reader 

Genre : hp au, rivals to lovers, light angst to absolute fluff

Word count : 4.4K words   |    M.list

Warnings : injury, swearing

Summary :  ‘He had nightmares of you slipping right past his fingers and him failing to catch you. He relives that moment.’

a/n: thank you for 1000 followers you absolute cuties!! sending lots of smooches and snuggles your way!!

“Aren’t you going to ask how the coolest champion is feeling about tomorrow’s match?”

You watched Donghyuck, your fellow housemate and best friend since you first stepped onto the Hogwarts train, expectantly. He spared you a quick glance as he plopped down beside you on the couch in your shared common room, too busy to munch on his chocolate frog to give you any further attention. 

“I’ve already asked Mark.”

You would like to be able to say you were surprised at his answer, but his teasing character has become an usual by now

It still baffled you how you managed to even tolerate each other, much less get to share a bond as deep as the one you developed along the years. You two had next to nothing in common other than your cunning wit. While Donghyuck delved deep into his love for astronomy, which you despised with a burning fervor, you dedicated your time to Quidditch entirely. 

You loved the sport dearly, it offered you that adrenaline rush you were born to chase, that quickened heartbeat as you rushed to catch the Golden Snitch. You spent every spare moment you could find in your hectic schedule on the pitch with the wind threading through strands of your hair and your hands clenched so tightly onto your broomstick your knuckles turn white. And you adored every second of that. But what you definitely didn’t adore was Mark Lee.

“And worst best friend award goes to surprise surprise Lee Donghyuck!”

He shrugged unimpressed by your weak attack and focuses back on his damned frog.

Mark Lee. Unfortunately for your sanity, you had to see him almost as often as you decided to practice on your own. If there was one thing you shared with him and you respected him for was his own commitment to Quidditch. More often that not, you’d have to share the pitch with him in your spare time, taunting each other for the entire period of time you spent practicing. He was the beloved Seeker of Gryffindor, their pride and joy and your rival ever since you were both accepted in your respective teams.

“So what’s your score against him?”

“It’s a draw.”

Yes, you were that petty. You and Mark kept the score on how many times you defeated each other in matches. It didn’t actually matter which team actually won, the only thing that mattered for your childish competition was who managed to catch the Golden Snitch.

“That’s why you’re so tense?”

“Bingo, smartpants.”

“What even is the big deal about your little game? It’s not like either of you actually gets something out of this.”

“I gain the right to stick my win in his face and vice versa.”

Teasing between you and Mark often stretched your patience to its maximum and ended up in one of you snapping like a chord under pressure. Donghyuck shivered as he remembered the final match of your fourth year when your house lost against Gryffindor due to Mark catching the Snitch before you. He could vividly remember the blood rushing through his veins in fear at the sight of you battling Mark shoulder to shoulder at a dangerous speed, arm stretched out so far he believed you’d topple over at any moment.

He doesn’t want a repeat of the miserable image of you he saw at the time, a defeated you, slumped on the bench in your changing room, head lowered in ultimate shame and disappointment as bitter tears rolled off your face, splashing against the floor as Donghyuck watched worriedly through the half opened door. Mark had really done a number on you that day.

“You have to win, Y/N.”

“Why the sudden change of heart, wasn’t our competition meaningless for your highness?”

“I don’t give a frog’s toe about your competition, but I want to spend time time with you this summer. And not just to watch you practice until you drop.”

You scoffed. You knew that he was referring to the summer after your horrifying defeat against Mark. Donghyuck could barely get a hold of you since you spent all day on your broom, tiring yourself out to your limit.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on losing.”

~

“Already wetting your pants, Y/L/N?”

You didn’t have to turn around to put a face to the taunting voice behind you.

“I don’t know, Lee, should I? You must know since you have more experience than me.”

Mark’s face scrunched up at the reminder of his first year when he lost control of his broom and he quite literally saw his life flash before his eyes. Not very Gryffindor from his part.

“Whatever, we both know how this is about to end. Save your cheap defense until after this final. My team will win this year’s tournament and I’ll beat you individually too.”

The reminder of the stakes of this match weren’t soothing your nerves at all, especially mere hours before you were facing Mark on the pitch. You curled your fists and kept a straight face, not daring to show him any weakness from your side.

“Shove that pointless confidence up your ass until you prove you’re worthy of it, Lee.”

“Oh so fourth year isn’t enough proof?”

The corner of your lips twitched and your eyes narrowed. zeroing on his tense featured in a chilling glare.

“You said matches don’t count, didn’t you? You were the one insisting that you didn’t consider anything a victory other than catching the Snitch before me. And in that aspect, last I verified, we’re equals.”

His lips moved soundlessly, trying to come up with a retort, but you didn’t spare him enough time to come up with anything, turning on your heels and marching away to meet Donghyuck.

“You’ll see, Y/L/N, you’ll never be my equal.”

His voice followed you tauntingly through the busy corridors, your rushed footsteps taking you anywhere but close to the only person who could make your blood boil.

~

It took three pep talks and four ‘friendly’ attacks of your personal space from Donghyuck to make you gather your spirits and stop the tremors shaking up your entire body. He walked you to the changing room’s door, patting you roughly on the back one last time

“Give your best, I’ll be watching from the stands. I trust that you won’t let me get bored. Also, remember that if you lose you’re sleeping on the mat in front of the entrance in our common room.”

And with that he skipped away, hurried to find a good spot in the stands that were already starting to fill up with students. You sigh, used to his weird way of encouraging you and stepped inside the room, greeting Jungwoo, your captain and your fellow teammates, starting to change into your Quidditch uniform.

As soon as you set foot on the familiar pitch, your eyes met Mark’s who stood straight and proud side by side with his own captain sporting his Gryffindor red cape and holding his broom, the newest Nimbus model.

You Keeper was talking your ear off about the ‘amazingly efficient’ polish he found, but you couldn’t seem to rip your gaze away from Mark who in turn seemed to burn through you with his gaze. He threw you a smirk as if provoking you to lose your cool. But you decided you wouldn’t allow him the satisfaction.

The stands were already roaring to life. Any match between you and Mark was very sought after by everyone in your school due to the intensity it held each time. Despite the already loudness surrounding the pitch, one high pitched screech couldn’t help but catch your attention.

“KICK SOME ASS, Y/N! Or the mat is waiting for you!”

Count on Donghyuck to be the embarrassing mom rooting for you at her child’s every sport event. You shoot him a warning look to which he only responded with an over dramatic wink and an even louder ’whoop’. You could only sigh, appreciating his support despite your lack of reaction to it.

“I’ll kick your ass, Lee Donghyuck.”

You muttered, trying to stop the smile forming on your lips. A snort came from the side, making your head snap in its direction.

“Try your best, Y/LN, too bad you’ll still disappoint lover boy over there.”

“Jealous, Lee?”

“You wish.”

Madam Hooch interrupted your banter with a shrill whistle, stepping in between the two teams while holding the Quaffle.

“Alright, boys and girls, mount your brooms.”

Within seconds all players were high in the air, adrenaline pumping through your veins, your heated gaze locked with Mark’s. It became kind of a tradition between the two of you, intense stare downs before the official start of the game. Madam Hooch’s voice which carried the same words every time sounded far away as she bent down, ready to throw the Quaffle.

“Alright, I want a clean and fair game, hear me? Good luck and may the best win.”

The long deafening whistle signified the start of the match and Chasers whizzed past you, speeding towards the Quaffle. You and Mark broke eye contact, each of you getting immersed in the game, your sole focus being on catching sight of the Golden Snitch.

The weather worsened as the game progressed, the unpredictable May weather acting up. The clouds darkened, completely shutting out any ray of sunshine trying to sneak past them, a thickening fog suffocating the school grounds. Slowly but surely, what started as a few scattered rain drops soon turned into a full blown storm, a cold shower falling atop of you, the harsh wind whipping your capes back and forth. The stands were barely visible, the cheers from below inaudible over the wind and the players’ yells.

If it wasn’t hard enough already to spot the small, golden ball, now it seemed close to impossible. You could make out Mark’s silhouette flying around, but you didn’t linger any longer on him, focused on catching sight of the Snitch. Bludgers were flying everywhere, the Beaters’ efficiency decreasing because of the lack of visibility, another worry to add to the list.

Gryffindor was in the lead with 20 points, the score remaining tight as the match dragged on and on. You had already been playing for a while, your uniforms were already soaked and your skin paling from the biting cold of the unforgiving rain, but the conditions only spurred you further. You had to catch the Snitch.

Just as your patience was running thin, you caught sight of a fast-moving golden spot, hovering on the sidelines. Without a second thought, you sped towards it, your surroundings blurring as your eyes focused solely on the already moving Snitch. Mark noticed your forceful actions immediately, whizzing past the others players and nearing you.

“And Y/L/N seems to have finally spotted the Golden Snitch! Both Seekers are bolting after it, I can barely keep track of them!”

The crowd exploded, cheering louder than ever, but you couldn’t hear anything, pushing yourself to the limit as Mark caught up to you and you battled side by side once again. The Snitch seemed to be angrier than ever, jerking furiously at every corner, but you didn’t let yourself be caught by surprise, keeping up with it.

Until it started speeding in a straight line, stopping its irregular twists and turns and you knew that was your chance. You flew at top speed, stretching your hand in front of you so much that your muscles almost protested and Mark followed suit. You were shoulder to shoulder with him, subtly knocking into each other in an attempt to make the other lose their balance.

“Move! It’s mine!”

His hoarse voice yelled right by your year, only making you grit your teeth harder.

“Fuck off, Lee!”

Your fingertips were a breath away from the Snitch, Mark’s arm pressing into yours, the cold wind biting at your cheeks. Desperately, you shifted your weight from your bottom to the hand clutching your broomstick, leaning forward on your arm and before Mark could react, you lurched forward slightly, encasing the running object in the palm of your hand, clutching it so tightly it left marks into the skin, but you didn’t care. 

You did it. You caught the Golden Snitch.

“Y/N!”

Before you could regain your stance, a Bludger knocked into your broom forcefully. With your already unsteady grip on the broomstick, you toppled over in an instant, the broom slipping from under you, but you didn’t dare unclench the fingers trapping the Snitch in your hand.

Mark’s desperate yell seemed to be the only sound echoing in your ears as you plummeted. The last thing you saw before you knocked loudly into the ground with a sickening crack were Mark’s distressed features, a hand stretched to its full extent in front of him as he rushed to get a hold of you, your own outstretched fingers slipping right past his.

~

Surprisingly, as soon as you managed to crack your eyes open you weren’t hit with a blinding light. It still seemed to take a great effort to keep them open for longer than a second, your hand twitching in an attempt to bring it to cover your sensitive eyes, but being stopped by a weight forcing it down. 

“Y/N?”

You groaned, scrunching up your face as soreness hit your body full force at your attempt to move.

“Merlin, Y/N, can you open your eyes?”

You could recognize Donghyuck’s voice anywhere, but the almost desperate tone he used was quite foreign to you.

“Come on, babe, open your eyes. Madam Pomfrey! ”

You realized the weight on your hand were actually his fingers which now squeezed yours encouragingly as his other hand came up to smooth strands of your hair away from your face. You clenched your teeth, forcing an eye open.

“Stop fucking yelling, punk.”

At your annoyed retort, he let out a relieved sigh, wrapping his arms gently around you while trying not to jostle you too much.

“Thank Merlin, you’re back.”

After Madam Pomfrey checked on you and updated you on your injuries which were a bit more serious than you expected, she left you with Donghyuck once again. He leaned back in his chair, a lot more relaxed than in the past days he’s had to spend by your bedside. You furrowed your eyebrows.

“The match. We won the match right?”

Donghyuck snorted as your first question was about Quidditch instead of your own health, but it didn’t even surprise him anymore.

“Yes, you crazy hag, you won.”

“Yes! We did it! We won!”

You’ve never felt more relieved in your entire life. You finally proved to yourself that all the time and work you’ve put into Quidditch wasn’t for nothing. And if this was the elevation you’d feel after winning cups, you were ready to spend the rest of your youth chasing the Snitch.

“You should eat some chocolate, gain your energy back.”

Now that he mentioned it, you finally focused on your nightstand that overflowed with sweets. You grabbed the closest one, a chocolate frog, not hesitating to stuff it all in your mouth and collect the card inside. Another Nicolas Flamel, you already had two of those. 

“Those are a lot.”

“Tell me about it. Don’t worry, I’ll help you finish them.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“Hyuck, tell me, did Jungwoo cry?”

“Should’ve seen him, like a baby. I’m pretty sure he filled half of that cup with snot-”

“Ewww, I didn’t need all the gross details. Ah, I’m sorry for missing that. And Lee’s face, I bet I’d sleep like a baby for the next 10 years if I had the chance to see that.“

Donghyuck’s lips were suddenly pulled into a smirk, eyes glinting with a dangerous mischief.

“You should see one of your beaters, damn nice nose Mark delivered.”

Your munching slowed down, gulping down the sweetness loudly.

“What do you mean? Did that petty git start a fight?”

“Wouldn’t say it was out of pettiness actually.”

Mark was the first to land beside your crumpled figure, dismounting his broom faster than ever and crouching hurriedly before you. His hand ghosted over your cold cheek, too scared to touch you in case he did more harm than good. His shaking pupils fixated on you, running a hundred miles per hour over your face, hoping, praying that you’d open your eyes and celebrate in his face.

“Hey, wake up, don’t play games on the pitch, you already won! Y/L/N!”

Mark knew deep inside that you had no games left to play after a fall like that, but it was his first time seeing you so small, so hurt, so defeated despite the shining Golden Snitch still clutched loosely in your limp hand. It scared him.

“Bloody hell, wake up! Madam Hooch! Help! Anyone, help!”

His head snapped around trying to catch sight of anyone coming to your aid, eyes scanning through the fog crazily. The rain seemed to fall faster and faster, the chill settling deep into your bones. Exhausted, Mark lowered his head in defeat, his forehead gently leaning on yours, his nose nudging against yours. One of his hands still touched your cheek, lightly caressing it, thumb running over the apple of your cheek as his other hand curled into a fist against the ground.

Jungwoo landed next, almost tripping over his broom as he rushed over to you and knelt next to you, opting to ignore the position Mark was in and focus on your well being. Mark’s head didn’t even turn as he spoke lowly.

“Do something for Merlin’s sake. Get Madam Hooch, or Pomfrey! Anyone dammit, just to something!”

Mark raised himself at the lack of response from Jungwoo who seemed rotten to his spot, freezing at the sight of you.

“Are you deaf?! Fucking help!”

That seemed to snap Jungwoo out of his frozen state as he jumped to his feet, sprinting towards the stand where teachers usually stayed during matches. One by one, your teams landed and gathered near you as Mark’s yells of help guided them to you.

“Merlin, that doesn’t look good.”

Mark’s burning gaze settled on your beater who stood a few meters away, leaning on his broom.

“It would have looked better if you did your part right.”

The beater rolled his eyes at Mark’s harsh remark.

“Relax, man, I just wasn’t playing attention for a moment.”

“And you think that’s a proper excuse?!”

Mark was fired up by now, lifting himself to his feet as one of your Chasers, a year younger than you crouched by your side, gripping your hand. He sauntered over, coming face to face with the beater who didn’t seem that interested.

“I’m just saying it’s not my fault their own incompetence landed themselves in the hospital wing, I’m not pulling anyone’s wight al-”

He didn’t get to finish his mocking words as Mark’s fist met his nose with a loud crunch, Mark’s powerful swing sending him to the ground as blood started dripping from his nose steadily.

“Don’t you ever talk about Y/N like that. Not ever again. If I hear one bad word about them coming out of your worthless mouth, I’ll hex you into next year. You’ll never be half of the player Y/N already is, remember your place, asshole.”

Madam Hooch was already tending to you by the time Mark turned back to you, deeming it safe enough for you to be moved to the hospital wing. Donghyuck, who sprinted out of the stand as soon as he heard your name coming out of Jungwoo’s mouth, held your head in his lap, smoothed down your hair, pushing away wet strands that covered your eyes.

Mark strode over to you, taking off his cap and laying it over your body as he slotted an arm under your legs, his other coming around your back. He lifted your body, cradling you against his chest as Donghyuck also stood up to fix your position in Mark’s arms into a more comfortable one.

“Off to the hospital wing,now. Quick, quick, quick!”

Mark didn’t waste another moment before he hurried inside the castle with you in his hold and Donghyuck quick on his heels.

“Mark Lee stood up for me? The same Mark Lee who hates my guts since we first got in our Quidditch teams?”

“Do you know another Mark Lee? Maybe he didn’t hate you that much after all, or…not at all. After all, all these chocolate frogs are from him, said something about seeing you exchange some cards with his Griffyndor friend in class or something.”

“He visited?”

“We wouldn’t be able to get rid of him sometimes. He opened up to me once when we met outside the door trying to sneak in one night.”

“Why were you even sneaking in?”

“I was bored, okay? I had no one to tire me out during the day.”

“Hey!”

“Anyway, he said he had nightmares of you slipping right past his fingers and him failing to catch you. He relives that moment.”

“Did it really affect him that much? Accidents happen all the time.”

“Not to you, Y/N.”

“Maybe, but I’m just another player from the opposite team., right? …Do you think he…?”

Donghyuck brought a hand up to his head, massaging his temples as he sighed with annoyance.

“You’re too dense.”

“How could I have known? ”

“Look, just talk to him as soon as you can. That boy needs to finally sleep properly, even my grandma’s bag has a lighter color than his eye bags.”

You just nodded, a bit skeptic.

You were discharged on that same day. Jungwoo almost cried again when you met in the common room, hugging you tightly, praising and scolding you at the same time with a brotherly smile.

You first saw Mark Lee in the halfway, after your Potions class. He was sitting on the ledge of a large window, staring seemingly into space. Donghyuck’s words echo in your mind as you decide to approach him and hop onto the space beside him, settling comfortable against the window behind you.

“Woah, Lee, Donghyuck was right, you could really use some concealer.”

Mark jostled as if he only noticed you now. His wide doe eyes racked over your smiling face and he seemed to panic internally.

“Whe-When did you get here? Why are you out of bed?”

“Because I was discharged?”

“What? Since when?”

“Earlier today.”

“Oh…”

He cleared his throat awkwardly, eyes running wild everywhere but in your direction. You chuckled.

“It’s okay, I already know how much the almighty Mark Lee worried over poor little me.”

Mark scoffed, his embarrassed behavior vanishing. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I see that hit to your head didn’t help with your sharp tongue, disappointingly.”

He swiftly moved away, starting to walk away from you until your hand clasped around his wrist, stopping him mid step.

“Wait, I just… I wanted to thank you.”

Mark seemed confused now, turning back to you with furrowed eyebrows.

“Thank me? What for?”

“Standing up for me and uh, you know, taking care of me.”

Mark’s face darkened at the memory of your beater.

“That git was just asking for it and I barely did anything.”

“Then at least let me repay you for the chocolate frogs you brought me.”

Now he seemed to choke on a confused ‘huh?’ with a bewildered expression that just melted your otherwise cocky demeanor.

“W-what? How-”

Mark’s words died in his throat as you slotted your lips against his in a teasing kiss, your hand holding the nape of his next affectionately and pulling him closer you. Mark took a few moments to realize it was actually happening in reality, not just an illusion from the lack of sleep. His hands came up to your waist, wrapping you in his embrace and pulling you against him impossibly closer. Years of pushed down passion and longing were exchanged in that moment, dizzying both of you.

As you pulled away from each other for air, Mark could taste the faint sweetness of chocolate on his lips. He smiled and his whole rival image turned into a lovesick teenage boy with a smile brighter than the sun. He laughed quietly, thumbs caressing your sides gently.

“I see you enjoyed your chocolate.”

You leaned more into him, pulling his face so close to yours that your noses brushed against each other’s, your ravished breath fanning across his lips as you whispered.

“I did. I’m glad I’m so interesting to you that you observe me in class enough to know that I collect chocolate frogs cards.”

You expected a blush to paint his cheeks red, an elbow in your side or at least an annoyed huff but you got none of that. Instead, one of Mark’s hands came up to cradle your cheek as he stared deep into your eyes with an unreadable look.

“Excuse me but it’s hard not to look when I have the prettiest person I’ve ever seen who also happens to be my crush since 3rd year.”

Your eyes widened, searching his for any hint that he may be just lying or teasing you. But all you could find was pure, unadulterated fondness, a withheld fire burning low in his eyes. He leaned down, lips brushing against the shell of your ear and sending goosebumps across the expanse of your skin.

“It’s been so hard not to just pull you aside and snog you senseless, especially in your Quidditch uniform.”

You decided to play along. You brought your fingers to his heated neck, running them faintly over his skin and you smirked seeing him shiver at your touch.

“Having a kink for uniforms, Lee?”

Mark screeched lowly, pulling away from you as if burned. He smoothed down his robes, fixating you with a glare that made you laugh.

“Y/N, I’m serious, though. I like you, I really really lo-….like you.”

You noticed his stutter, but it only made your smile widen as you stretched out a hand to intertwine his fingers with yours and pull him along down the corridor.

“Hm, I’ll need some more proof of that.”

Mark squeezed your hand in response, chuckling at you sweetly. He leaned over, pressing a feather like kiss to your temple.

“Don’t worry, you’re nowhere done with your payment back to me. And I only accept it in the form of kisses and cuddles.”

You smiled at each other, your hearts finally settling satisfied in your chests after years of internal turmoil that finally burned out.

“That can be arranged easily.”

[realcube]

the heart || kei tsukishima x reader

 summary: modern au! you and tsukishima are supposed to dissect a lamb heart in biology but it doesn’t go to plan

tw// cussing, the dissection of a lamb heart, blood, biology 🤢

my excuse: this is based on a true story and i wrote it at like 3am - read at your own expense. this is probably the worst piece i’ve every written.

“Geez, why are you complaining? You literally just play Cool Maths Games during every period of Biology and now that we actually have to do something you become a whiny bitch.” Tsukishima clicked his tongue, slipping his phone back into his pocket while adjusting his headphones so they hung around his neck, rather than having to take them off because they were apart of his look at this point.

You tossed your head back upon hearing the news that you’d actually have to do something in class for a change, “Exactly! Biology is supposed to be the one class where I am not bombarded with work. Just last period, I drew at least fifty stupid fucking graphs! For what? To find x? To hell with your x !” You cried, running a hand through your hair to make sure you didn’t mess it up because you spent way too long straightening it this morning for a swift movement of your neck to mess it all up. 

Tsukishima sighed, hesitantly rubbing your back as you genuinely seemed quite stressed, “It’ll be fine, and it’s not like we’re learning anything new. We have already studied the heart, I think it was last year; we’re only doing the experiment now because we couldn’t to do it last year for some reason.” Tsukishima mumbled, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he noticed that he was doing a decent job of reassuring you as your hair was no long standing on its ends. 

“Plus,” He said, flicking his pencil with his fingers, “This’ll be cool! The heart is quite an interesting organ, it’ll be fun to actually get hands-on and see the chambers and valves up close, don’t you think?” He added, seeming a bit too enthusiastic about dissecting a lamb heart - it was kinda creepy.

After you finished loudly judging him, you pulled out your phone from your pocket and absently went to snapchat, to send your streaks. “Yeah, whatever. Get in ‘ere with me Tsukishima, will you?” It was hardly a request as before he even had time to process what you had just asked him, you had taken a selfie of you and him with the indie filter, wrote ‘streaks’ on it and sent it to your whole best friend’s list. 

It took him a moment to react to what you just did but when he noticed you typing away to your friend, he let out a breathy sigh. Usually, he’d be fuming by your action but he had to admit, he looked pretty good in that picture - especially because he barely had any nice candid photos of himself. “Send that to me - but without the stupid caption.” Was all he could be bothered to utter.

You hummed in agreement, “Will do.” You replied, immediately finding the photo in your saved pictures and scrolling down your friends list until you found Tsukishima; he wasn’t too low down since you recently asked him for the answers to the Maths homework - he said no, of course, but it was worth a shot.

“I’m feeling kinda bummed so y’know what I am gonna do?” You spoke and without giving Tsukishima a moment to respond, you answered your own question. “Check your Snapchat username, it always makes him laugh.”

Tsukishima’s blood ran cold and his eyes widened at the mention of his username on Snapchat, “(Y/N). Do not--”

“Dinoguykei!” You exclaimed rather loudly, tears of joy pricking at the corners of your eyes as you cackled upon repeating his username to yourself - absolute gold.

“I was, like, 11 when I made it! Give me a break.” He spat, sticking out his bottom lip momentarily before pulling his headphones back over his head to clasp his ears so he no longer had to listen to your ‘annoying-ass laugh’, as he called it. There was clearly no music playing from his headphones and he acted as if he couldn’t hear you when he had them on despite the fact that they were clearly not noise-cancelling - this was a move he pulled often which you liked to call ‘blocking out the a haters’ as he would do that exact thing whenever you said something to displease him..

“Really?” You raised an eyebrow, flicking his fake-ass SOMY headphones but since they were made of wurtzite boron nitride or something like that, they hit you right back, resulting in your hissing and quickly pulling your hand away. “Do you think that your crusty, dollar store headphones can prevent my noise from reaching your ears? I think the fuck not.” 

“I-”

“If you want me to buy you new ones, just ask. How much were they? Or are they hend-me-downs?” You inquired without missing a beat, it wasn’t often that you managed to tease Tsukishima which such flow consecutively so you were obviously going to make to most of this opportunity while you had it.

“They are from the dollar store but I didn’t buy them.” Tsukishima mumbled but loud enough for you to hear, he lowered his head and desperately tried to resist the sly grin which tugged at the corners of his lips as all the memories came flooding back to him. “You were there, weren’t you?” 

“No.” You replied simply but immediately realising what Tsukishima was talking about and leaning in closer to him, “Is Tsukki a criminal?” You sung while wiggling your eyebrow playfully at him. 

Tsukishima scoffed, once again lowering his headphones from his ears back down to his neck. “As if you aren’t, with all the stuff you stole from the supermarket.” He hissed while trying not to laugh as he recalled the time you tried to sneak out passed security by shoving food under your shirt so you looked pregnant - and they fucking fell for it! Or  maybe they were just too lazy to bother calling you out, either way you got away with it though. “And this is what you said before bolting out of Forever21 with sunglasses in your bra - verbatim: ‘If it is a chain, it’s free rein.’.” 

You wiped an imaginary tear from your eye as you heard those words leave Tsukishima’s mouth, “Beautiful-” You mused, about to go on to tell him about the other economic benefits of stealing from large corporations until he cut you off to correct you as always.

“So, you were wrong. These headphones were not a dollar, they were free.” 

Of course, Tsukishima never talks to you without the intend of either insulting you or proving your wrong in some way/argue with you. So why would this be any exception?

“Anyway,” Tsukishima began, his gaze shifting around the room rapidly in search of the biology teacher, “Where is that bitch? I’m ready to dissect the fuck out of that lamb heart if he just gets his ass over here immediately. He always does this.” Tsukishima huffed as this was far from the first time he had been let down by the biology teacher, as well as all of his classmates.

In fact, the whole class had basically mutually agreed that the biology teacher was shit as almost everyone in the class was failing due to his horrible teaching - or lack there of. Tsukishima was the only one passing because he had a tutor but he was still averaging 60% - a C - which was way too low for his liking. 

Also, the biology teacher had a habit of making false promises - for instance, there was that one time he said the class could use whiteboards to create model cells so he rushed out the room to ‘go get the whiteboards’ and didn’t come back. Instead of getting the whiteboards, there was a rumour going around the school that - with the assistance a foreign language teacher - he conducted a different kind of biological experiment in the janitor’s cupboard. 

Be that as it may, all my homies hated the biology teacher..until today, when he actually pulled through with the goods.

He came marching into the class holding a pale bag filled with a dark, red substance and quickly placed it on his desk. “Right, troops. Get yourself a partner, come ‘ere and grab a lamb heart then remove the tricuspid valve for me, will ya?” He panted, rubbing his forehead and bringing attention to his bright red face. He was seemingly out of breath yet nobody has ever seen him run before; was he that tired from walking to the storage cupboard and back?

“Sir, do we dissect it with out hands or?”

The teacher shrugged, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder before rushing out of the room. “I don’t know, sure? Or maybe use a spatula or something. Right, BRB, guys.” Just like that, he was gone. Probably to go rail Tsukishima’ foreign language teacher in the privacy of his own home or something. ‘Ew.’ Tsukki shuddered at the thought. 

“I’ll go get us a heart.” He said, getting up from his chair and about to make his way over to the teacher’s desk until you giggled, asking, “Who said I wanted to partner up with you?” 

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, checking the time on his phone and spoke without averting his gaze from the path in front of him, “You’ve not got much of a choice.” With that, he slinked off to the front of the class to grab a heart and hopefully a spatula too. 

Your mouth was left agape at his comment, mostly because you were unable to decipher what he meant by that; curse his naturally sarcastic-sounding tone! Perhaps that was his way of trying to hit on you by saying he wouldn’t allow you to partner up with anybody else - or it could be a jab at the fact everyone in this class hates you for one reason or another.

“Some knob took the last spatula so I guess you’re using your hands.” He grumbled, dumping the heart which was packed in a thin, clear plastic bag onto your desk. Crossing his arms over his chest before sitting back down at his own table, pulling out his phone and about to start playing some music until you realised what he was trying to do and instinctively flicked his arm.

“What?” He hissed, jerking his head around to shoot you a deadly glare. You stuck your bottom lip out to form a pout but then you remembered that he finds your pouty face funny and right now you were trying to be intimidating so you quickly switched to a scowl. “You’re the one who wanted to dissect the stupid thing, you do it!” You roared, slamming the lamb heart onto his desk then leaned back in your chair, folding you arms over your chest in a bad-tempered manor.

Tsukishima’s expression softened slightly as he looked over, doing his best to stifle a chuckle at how silly you looked with a scowl on your face - like grumpy cat, in a way. “Why are you so mad?” He asked monotonously, shifting his gaze onto the heart on his desk, hesitantly reaching out to unzip the plastic bag which it was packed inside. 

You shrugged your shoulders, biting your lip as you looked down at your hands, shocked at how white your knuckles had become from holding a fist for so long. “My bad, Tsukki.” You said in a low voice, embarrassed at how his simple actions had pissed you off so much. “I guess I am just kinda frustrated with this whole class - mostly the teacher. I mean, we’re literally all doing horribly and instead of helping he just gives us a fucking lamb heart to dissect like what good does that--”

Suddenly, you felt something cold and slimy splat against your elbow, leading to a small gasp escaping your mouth as you instinctively whipped your head over to see what it was - however, as soon as you laid your eyes on it, you wished that you hadn’t. 

A high-pitched shriek left your mouth, immediately gaining the attention of almost the whole class but once the turned heads realised how uneventful the situation actually was, they went back to what they were doing prior to your scream. 

Tsukishima winced slightly in reaction to the shrill sound that left your mouth - “Oh, shut up.” He snapped, rolling his eyes at your - in his opinion - melodramatic reaction. “It’s just a bit of lamb heart; here, I’ll get it off for you.”

As soon as you realised what you had just done and the reaction it had evoked, you slapped your spare hand over your mouth but without averting your gaze from the god-forsaken piece of meat which clung committedly to your forearm. “Tsukki.” You tried to sound angry but the fear was still clear in your voice, “Why would you do that?” Although you hadn’t seen him do the deed, you were almost 100% this was the work of him flicking the wretched lamb muscle onto your arm - this theory was reinforced by the fact the plastic bag was lying wide open on his desk.

Tsukishima laughed, leaning over to pick the bit of heart off of your arm then proceeded to flick it away to some other poor soul’s desk. “There we go. Happy now?” 

You growled - something your friend had taught you to do whenever you were mad - shooting daggers at the lanky megane sitting in front of you while he wore a sly grin which just made you want to punch him right on the nose. “What the fuck was that for?” You snarled, “You know how much I hate blood.”

Tsukishima wheezed, he genuinely couldn’t tell if you were being serious or not, “Then what are you doing in a biology class?” His question was barely audible through his gasps for as well as the sound of him slapping him knee.

You clicked your tongue, wiping the excess lamb juice off of your arm, “Joking.” You droned, turning to eye the heart on his desk. “Go on, dissect the thing.”

[thelioncourts]

general life update for anyone willing to read through this next rambling stream of consciousness:

for anyone that didn’t know: back in august, my 91yo great grandfather and my 73yo grandmother (my dad’s grandpa and my dad’s mom) moved into the house, moving my sister and i to the basement where there is no light, where the sump pump is, where the furnace is, etc. we shared the basement from august to december, all while i was student teaching every single day and attending my 3 hour seminar on mondays. grandma died in late november, after an honest-to-god fiasco that, call me mean for saying this, we, as a family shouldn’t have had to have dealt with. (my great grandpa and my grandmother both have lots of money - they simply didn’t want to spend it and they were going to die living alone).

my grandmother had been staying in my sister’s room so after a month or so my sister moved back to her room, leaving me in the basement. 

january hit and, like a switch flipped, my sister has been neglecting most, if not all, covid guidelines and she and i haven’t talked since around that time.

it took until february for my teaching license (early february) and then the job hunt slowly began. 

attended a job fair in early march, have been interviewing over zoom, have a job offer, it’s not a good offer, am still searching, and the list continues, all while still living in a basement with no light. 

being secluded down there has been hell, fell into the worst depression i’ve been in since i was 18 or so, and i finally had enough and am sleeping and staying on the sunporch, the only free room in the house. however, sleeping on a couch is getting old and there’s no heat out here so nights are pretty chilly. 

on top of all that, there’s the usual family stuff, all made worse by the fact that we’re all home all the time. i’m job searching and interviewing, mom quit her job to take care of my great grandpa (and grandma), my great grandpa spends his days watching westerns, nascar, and judge judy on repeat, and the dining room has been my dad’s office since april of last year. 

my great grandpa is racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc. and no matter how many times people tell him to stop saying things he won’t because he thinks women are lesser than, people of color are lesser than, and i wish he would literally die already.

all of my teaching applications are, like, 27 pages long and i have to do new ones for almost every individual school and, at the very least, every district. 

i’m very close to the time period when people start getting interview and, by the end of april, beginning of may, i should - cross fingers - be hired somewhere. i will be moving out asap, so sometime in may, maybe early june at the latest, but i can’t even start on that until i know where i’m going.

then comes the stress of moving and getting ready for august.

i’ve been pulling my hair out since october, off and on, and i’m trying some new gummies to hopefully help with that but like.....

i hurt my other knee (my right knee has been shit since i was 14; acl/mcl/3 meniscus tears) and i have a thing called ‘pes arsenine bursitis’ which isn’t really treatable at all. it’s feeling more stable and whatnot, luckily, but still. 

my sweet darling great pyrenees is sick and she’s supposed to have an appointment this coming monday to do a needle biopsy to find out what’s wrong, but monday isn’t soon enough and we’ve all just been bawling over her. it’s so clear she doesn’t feel good and it’s such a sudden onset thing and i’m terrified of losing her. 

idk. i want to just be in my new apartment, i want to know what grade level to prep for, i want to have peace and quiet and a bed again. i know this is rambly and whatnot but this is why i’ve been quiet, and this is why writing has been so nonexistent. i want to write so badly. 

[incarnateirony]

after jared has now confirmed on that podcast that the last scene of the show will just be sam + dean, i hope everyone can stop speculating about cas being there. he is not. (that of course doesnt mean hes not in the ep at all)

For those who WANT to actually listen, you can see it here (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/jared-padalecki-returns/id1256754097)

While I intend to talk on this statement left by the Nonnie there's a few other things to talk about. For those specifically interested in THIS QUOTE, it’s part “Ten” in my notes.

Before I go on, lemme say, I keep saying Misha *isn’t* in the final *shot.* I can also say *ten thousand times* that “the final shot” is NOT THE SAME THING AS THE “FINAL SCENE.” I don’t know how many times I have to beat this into people’s heads. The “Final scene” may not even BE the final shot because for all you know, the last final scene is something like around scene 50 and the last 10 shots are some Swan Song montage with a dialogue. Scenes are also composed of *multiple shots* on the regular, and *very rarely* shot in order. So actually, it depends on what you even consider a ~scene~ but a shot and a scene are not the same thing. No matter how many times people choose to misunderstand this, this will continue to be true. 

As it is, the board already going up to 47 was high. Not unheard of, but high. I absolutely do not think anybody should be surprised if that’s actually closer to the last 5 minutes of the episode and the next 10+ shots are literal full blown montage. Because once again, and I can not emphasize this enough, they are not teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. I repeat, they are not, in the last 20-40 seconds, teleporting to a bridge at the end of the fucking show. And they weren’t on that location any other day. 

But I also know this fandom takes anything that’s in shorthand and blows it up into the worst case extremization, so I’m actually going to address this and even tag @curioussubjects and @winchestersingerautorepair and point out that Jared talks about “the last time Sam and Dean see each other” -- so enjoy that. See you on the other side, brother.

Okay so first, as a general note related to everything, that particular podcast is a mess. There is literally 17 minutes of nothing related to Jared at the start. It's a mix of sadness about how he knew a relative was dying, sadness, people's sad facebook messages which I get, losing someone is sad--but then a bunch of nonsense about ads and swag and sponsors. Like to anyone preparing to actually listen, you can skip to about 17 minutes in.

One: Confirmed they started quarantining (J2 at least) on Aug 2. 14 days gave them a few days before filming. But they refused to break quarantine even to walk the dogs to not reset the quarantine period. (This is one of the first things they talk about after the barrage of ads and other things)

Two: Jared has some great insight on how and why to let a dog go. He jumped it a little sooner than I would I think, but he talks about knowing when they're in pain or suffering. He gave assistance to her bad hips and other things through late life but saw when the spark left her and she wanted to go. Someone will probably try to problematize this but as someone that witnessed someone refusing to put down their dog while she spent half of her day having seizures and shitting herself, huffing, being terrified and unable to move, that was impressive. (This starts somewhere around 22 and goes to about 31:30, it's about a ten minute segment.)

Three: after this they actually go into the show, it also lets us know that the podcast is *recorded early on in filming*. It's talking about the first few days he left for filming. This wasn't just-now recorded. This is a few weeks old, like most Inside of You podcasts are.

Four: Jared ignores social media a lot, he confirms.

Five: He goes on having to talk about saying goodbye to a 15 year friend, never having gone more than 5 months without playing Sam, the process of being in the moment. It boils down to staying distanced from social media and your phone to be in the internet, which can actually add to feeling alone. (This may not be true for everyone, but I can definitely see why it feels so for Jared--he admits it's somewhat escapism.) Rosenbaum debates what counts as connection, but Rosenbaum also doesn't deal with a bajillion shitty comments from all his fandom lanes. He uses the podcast as an example, which is entirely different than Jared talking about ignoring twitter or instagram.

(Commercial break at 39 for a counseling/therapy service, runs to about 41 then one for a toothbrush rofl goes to about 43:15, so basically a 4 minute commercial break)

Six: Jared talks about his clinical anxiety impact on the final shooting and everything and why it was so important to have his dog with him during quarantine. He started terrified about it but got 4-5 days in and realized it was great. The wife and kids even considered going with him but he said it was okay and declined. After 45 he goes on complimenting his wife and the work she does at home.

Seven: He goes back to March 12 being the last day of filming back before covid and everyone had to run home on Friday the 13th of March LOL. So Supernatural got cursed on Friday the 13th. Rolling back to everything Gen has to do with the kids and the routine, goes back to talking about her. Talks about being the New Toy from dad being home so much. But then back to August first day of shot as an outdoor shoot. How early it was. So 21pt1 was an outdoor shoot. They continue to go on and on about how hard having kids is, if rewarding, until after 50 minutes. This converts into a conversation with his psychiatrist about his kids, his mom's birthday during social distancing, and all kinds of other commentary. Difference of psychologist vs psychiatrist. Loves sugar cuz he couldn't have it as a kid, etc.

Eight: This bit carries them all the way out past the hour mark. Just before the hour is where the "pain" section from the promo comes from. It turns into mortality and fear of death. Turns into stuff like natural childbirth. So from an hour to 1:03:00 it goes on, then it turns into another ad break that goes to about 1:07:15

Nine: How emotional the ending is, reading the script every day, remembering places start after the 1:07:15 commercial end. First week they shot up the old highway for example. Jared saying goodbye to locations he knows. Very bittersweet. There are no pickup shots because of covid.

Ten: The final scheduled moment, what you're talking about, and Jared tried very very VERY difficultly. (1:08:30 or so) -- he struggles and says "The last time Sam and Dean see each other is the last time Jared and Jensen see each other, if that makes any sense." He refused to say what the last scene was. It will be the last filming camera moments together. Which unto itself uh, hi, yes, welcome to every speculation I ever had, see you on the other side brother. Because it's the last time they see each other.

Eleven: After a bit about being emotional, they talk about Jared’s arrest, the trolling about orange jumpsuits from the crew, and asking what happened. Jared doesn’t even entirely know what happened, says it’s not an excuse, but the cliff’s notes are he was filming in Van, then he flew to Austin, he had a double date with Gen and two friends, he went to his friend’s bar (we alllll know Stereotype), they split some wine, a cocktail, hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, bachelorette parties and show fans bought him drinks, he doesn’t know what even happened, he thinks he was blacked out, got pulled down by his hair and thought he was in a fight. He hasn’t had a drink since, he was like absolutely fucking nope. He literally wonders if he was drugged in the drinks he took from other people, but either way, he’s completely stopped drinking. It goes into them settling and actually the people thinking he was drugged, which is why the legal followthrough was light.  This goes out to almost 1:20:00.

Twelve: Around then he goes on about Walker’s pickup period, how and when shooting normally works, and it’s all kinda in the air because of Walker, shortseasons because of covid etc. 

Final question blast:

Supernatural movie?: Jared hopes so

Channel chuck norris?: Make Walker his own, has nothing to do with Chuck’s walker even if he grew up watching it in texas, new character, new story, new era.

Paranormal experiences of his own?: He has seen some things, experienced some things he can’t explain, but as far as specifically, “definitively no but possibly yes.”

Talked with Chuck Norris at all?: Not talked to him directly, their “people” have talked, had to give his blessing though because Chuck Norris co-owned the rights. Part of the EP group and ownership.

If you had a chance, what superhero would you play: He’s heard Nighthawk from fans, he kinda sits there quietly thinking and has a hard time. Screentested for the Superman McG movie in 2004 but didn’t get it.

The car wasn’t in either of their contracts. Jared actually goes on that despite images Jared’s actually the car guy more than Jensen. It wasn’t in either of their contracts but they kinda just knew it was gonna happen. He goes on about his favorite cars, his car books and parts books since he was a kid, etc.

-----------

Following through on this, I HAVE to keep saying. 47/A47 is, I would bet 5 dollars on it right here and anyone that wants to bet against it can leave a comment in the notes so I know who owes who money, Sam and Dean having their final talk already post major resolutions with a few more ends to tie up, saying their pre-goodbyes, and shot 60 is Sam and Dean’s final shot of going separate ways, with Sam on one side and Dean on the other. 

[365days365movies]

March 12, 2021: Jason and the Argonauts (Review)

We gotta revitalize the mythology epic film.

I loved this movie...mostly. I’ll get to the “mostly” of it all, but I need to first say that I love the idea of this film. I desperately want more films based (faithfully) on Greek mythology. Please. PLEASE. And I know, I know, Paramount made a Clash of the Titans reboot in 2010, and it was...

...bad. It was really bad. Also probably ended Sam Worthington’s career, because dude VANISHED into the aether of Hollywood after this movie, and its equally bad sequel, Wrath of the Titans. I know, OK? But I still desperately want Greek mythology films.

And yeah, this would be an...OK start, but there’s so much potential! We’ve had Troy to cover Homer’s Iliad, and Troy wasn’t terrible, but we NEED an Odyssey movie, for the love of GOD. Do you know how much goddamn potential there is for an Odyssey movie? 

And I’m fully aware of O Brother Where Art Thou, but it’s loosely based on the story at best. We need an Odyssey movie, is all I’m saying. Not just that, though. We need a new movie about Hercules (non-Disney, and NOT starring the Rock), a movie about a normal Greek dude navigating the complex world of the gods, maybe a movie about Theseus or Perseus (again, yes, I know), and, of course, a Jason and the Argonauts movie.

I need this. I need this more than I can express. Oh, and I really want these films to be accurate, not the fast-and-loose approach to mythology that 1963′s film incarnation played. And oh...let’s get to THAT, shall we? Check out Part One and Part Two of the Recap for more on that, if you’d like more details!

Review

Cast and Acting: 9/10

Much to my everlasting surprise, the acting in this film is actually pretty good! Yeah, it’s definitely got that stereotypical 1960s flair, but it actually makes sense for an epic film based on Greek mythology. It all feels very epic, very grand, and the actors definitely help to contribute to that feeling. Up top, of course, you’ve got Todd Armstrong playing the noble Jason...kinda. Yeah, we’ll get to that, but he only played the character physically, while his voice was overdubbed by Tim Turner. Which...yeah, again, more on that later. But Armstrong is backed by some good support, especially Honor Blackman, Laurence Naismith, and Nancy Kovack, whose turn as the future murderer Medea actually shows her potential villainy in her sparse performance. Seriously, I was impressed by her characterization! This movie surprised me in terms of its acting. Although...Nigel Green as Heracles is only OK, and I’m a little chuffed that he only lasted through some of the film. Of course, that harkens to my BIGGEST issue...

Plot and Writing: 7/10

...OK, look, I know in my heart-of-hearts that judging the story of this film, adapted by Beverley Cross and Jan Read, as based on The Argonautica by Appolonius Rhodius, is unfair. It is. I’m aware of this, don’t worry. But that said...it’s not as good as the original story. Or, at the very least, it makes some weird choices that could’ve been changed. I went through the major inaccuracies in my Recap (too much, at that), so I won’t touch on most of that here. BUT, I do have some points to get through. Bear with me (or just skip this section, let’s be honest).

Missing Argonauts: Literally, the only major Argonaut from the story that actually gets to do something is Heracles, and he DOESN’T GET TO BE HERACLES. Dude is the most famous demigod of all time, and he never gets to do anything more than hold open a door and piss of Talos. Yeah. Disappointing as HELL. But that’s not THE WORST of it. Sure, Atalanta can be unused, as she wasn’t in many versions of the myth anyway. But the Wind Brothers? They’re necessary for defeating the Harpies, but they’re nowhere to be seen. Castor and Pollux? Oh, they’re in the movie, and they don’t do ANYTHING. Orpheus? ORPHEUS? YOU DIDN’T INCLUDE ORPHEUS AT ALL? Orpheus is arguably the most important of the Argonauts outside of Jason and Heracles, and he’s just...nonexistent. That’s just patently offensive. You really couldn’t give Harryhausen the chance to make Sirens? That would’ve been amazing! Speaking of them...

Missing and Misplaced Perils: Yeah, OK, this one’s a little unfair, because I don’t think putting Talos in here was a bad idea AT ALL. It’s actually my favorite part of the film, not gonna lie. But yeah, he was present on the return journey, not the journey to Colchis. But OK, whatever. At least we have the Harpies, the Clashing Rocks, the Sirens, the...oh wait. Where are the Sirens? I guess with no Orpheus, there are no Sirens, but...we really should’ve had both in here, come on.

Acastus: Yeah, here’s a weird criticism, but Acastus really was misused in here as well. He was actually one of Jason’s Argonauts, and came back from the journey on good terms with him...until Medea manipulated and tricked his sisters into cutting their father into pieces in order to gain promised immortality and boil those pieces for consumption. Yeah. Medea’s evil as SHIT. But turning Acastus into a heel-turn villain was...unnecessary, I think. Not that bad, though, so I guess this is a nitpick. I guess I would’ve liked to see the group return, and have had Acastus side with Jason against Pelias. I think that would’ve been neat. And speaking of Pelias...

The Ending: WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THE ENDING? Really? No conclusion to the story? What happens on the journey back? What happens with Pelias and Jason? Does Jason become King of Thessaly, now that Acastus is dead? Come on, man, what the hell! I HATE how that film ends so much, because there’s just nothing. Jason escapes by jumping off a cliff, the soldiers are still around (and are probably gonna kill the Colchian soldiers out of bloodlust), and Jason and Medea kiss, AND THE MOVIE ENDS. GAAAAAAAH

...Yeah, the plot could use some work, I think. But the worst part is...it’s still not a bad version of the story. Yeah! Despite all of my problems with it, most of the changes narratively make sense, outside of the original Argonautica. So, all things considered, I’m probably being too harsh on this film for personal reasons. What can I say, I love Greek mythology? But, I can still admit that this film is well-plotted out...for what it is.

Directing and Cinematography: 8/10

Is it the most groundbreaking direction by Don Chaffey, or the best cinematography by Wilkie Cooper? Well, no, but it’s still good. There aren’t exactly any amazing and groundbreaking shots here, but I also have no complains about either of these categories. So, yeah, not bad, guys. However...

Production and Art Design: 10/10

...the film still LOOKS fantastic. Because the production, set, and art design of this movie are all fantastic. From the costumes, to the Argo, to the authentic-looking sets, this movie looks great. And, of course...there are the effects by Ray Harryhausen. Which deserves the biggest chef’s kiss I can muster. Some of you may be thinking, “I dunno man, those effects don’t fully hold up.” To which I must remind you, that this film is 57 years old. FIFTY. SEVEN. Look, for the time period, this is groundbreaking, and it honestly looks pretty good today, even with the advent of better technologies. And the fact that these are technically physical objects does make this film look more...well, real, to be honest. It all looks pretty real, in a way. And they’re even pretty well-integrated with the live-action actors, much to my surprise. Gotta say, I love it. Antiquated, maybe, but also authentic. I love it.

Music and Editing: 9/10

Music, done by Bernard Hermann, is stellar and BOOMING. It’s an epic score for an epic story, and I also love it. As for the editing by Maurice Rootes, it’s also pretty great. Except for the sound editing. Yeah, um, the sound-editing for this movie isn’t great. It’s not bad, but it definitely isn’t amazing, especially in the base of dubbing for Jason and Medea. Oh, yeah, she’s dubbed over by Eva Haddon, forgot to mention that. And it’s pretty obvious. It’s a weak point, is what I’m saying.

88%, which might be a little...biased.

I love Greek mythology (he said for the eightieth time), and that may have colored my perception of this film. And yet, I do still really like this movie! It’s a classic film, and I’m looking forward to the other film of it’s caliber coming in a few days!

For the next one, though, I’ll have to do something non-Greek myth based. I mean, to continue the previously established trend...back to Japan for 3 HOURS? Oh...oh shit. I may have to break this next one up.

March 13, 2021: Kwaidan (1965)

[highlifesupernova]

A Tale of Two Lockdowns

For the second time in what scarcely feels like a year and a half, I am bored in the house while a pandemic rules my country of residence.

This time, though, instead of my one-bedroom apartment in Seattle, I'm bored in a rented house in a remote area of New Zealand, where I'm temporarily living for work. We've been under level 4 lockdown, the country's strictest pandemic containment protocol, for two weeks, and Auckland is looking at two weeks more. This was a near-immediate snap reaction by the federal government to a single case of the delta variant of COVID-19 being detected in the country.

At surface level, this means many of the same things that "lockdown" and "quarantine" have come to mean in the US: gatherings, sporting events, in-person classes, and nonessential trips are canceled. Here, however, it also means no nonessential businesses are operating -- we have access to groceries, gas, the hospital, and local outdoor areas for exercise, but there is no other activity allowed. No takeaway, no liquor stores, no warehouse workers tirelessly dispatching the conveniences of modern life without taking pee breaks (I too was surprised to learn that man can quarantine without Postmates and gin, but I have lived to write this post). Construction has stopped. Offices are empty. I can count the number of cars I see traveling past my window each day on one hand.

Every day, the Prime Minister and Minister of Health address the public directly, providing updates on case numbers, the anticipated end date of the lockdown, the process for review, and information on testing and vaccines. Only data and plans are given a platform.

Like any pandemic-weary American might, I expected this process to feel familiar. We've been on a roller coaster of coronavirus cases for so long that the whiplash has rendered me numb to new lockdowns. It hasn't felt familiar in the least.

Perhaps most obviously, watching the New Zealand lockdown in action has highlighted just how deficient my home country's governmental reaction to the pandemic has been. Because of Prime Minster Ardern's straightforward updates, I've been hyper-aware of the community-spread case count in the country, which is currently hovering around 600. All of these can be tied back to a single case that managed to leak out of a quarantine facility for international returnees. While these 600 cases may pale in comparison to the hundreds of thousands of daily infections in the United States, I now see this small number as a large one; a single case that was rapidly contained indirectly caused 600 people to fall ill. It's not difficult to understand how. People implicated in the cluster of cases were going to school and work, having nights out, and going to casinos. To stop the spread, New Zealand simply stopped those activities. In the United States, we do them every single day, at a much larger scale, unchecked.

I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to find numbers on noncompliance and protest in New Zealand to support my anecdotal claim that nearly everyone seems to be willing to follow the rules, and I can't. Parliament is actively debating the lockdowns on the national equivalent of CSPAN and public dissent is certainly allowed, but unscientific rhetoric is not given a platform. If there are mass anti-mask protests happening in Auckland, I don't know about them, and I don't need to. I'm getting the information I need to inform my decision-making from data. Data speaks for itself. Coverage of this disease, itself an instrument of nature alone, has been so bereft of data in so much of the media I consume that this has come as an absurd surprise to me. Doomscroll-baiting with story after horrifying story of the antics of truth-averse malfeasants is not a productive way to report on a public emergency.

This all begs an oft-repeated question of this global mess: what the hell is wrong with the United States? There are, of course, practical differences between implementing an effective lockdown in relatively small New Zealand and the vast USA. It would be incredibly difficult and expensive for the US to match New Zealand's Managed Isolation and Quarantine program at scale, which places all travelers in a two-week isolated hotel stay upon arrival in the country. The power entrusted to states renders almost impossible a nationally unified approach to any given problem. Our legislature has been stuck in ideological gridlock for my entire life.

Are these excuses to let Americans die on ventilators, though? I don't think they are. New Zealand enacted new legislation to carry out their response, because unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. In comparison, American legislators have played a juvenile game of keep-away with the lives of individuals. There's a legitimate argument to be made that the American economy might have suffered more with a stricter lockdown, but to this I pose the same response. Why didn't we use this as an opportunity to create an American economy that doesn't require the safety and sanity of our countrymen as collateral? New Zealand has managed to come up with a plan for a robust economic response to eliminate a choice between safety and staying afloat for businesses and workers. It seems like something the richest country in the world, which has been known to spend billions of dollars on military equipment only to literally burn it to the ground, should be able to pull off.

If there were ever an issue that demanded bipartisanship, one might think it'd be a life threatening disease that does not give a shit which letter is on your voter registration card. What started as some fear mongering for attention by our former president has ballooned into the right stoking every anti-science conspiracy theory they find in the dark corners of the internet to maintain their batshit following while the left desperately tries to appease the same batshit following to get them to take a vaccine.

Where New Zealand has worked to mandate responsible behavior, the United States has, at best, gently suggested it, and at worst, actively discouraged it. I concede that there is no way the United States could have curtailed the pandemic to the extent that New Zealand has, but we could have done something.

I've been contemplating the meaning of freedom in the context of this pandemic since my own stay in an MIQ facility upon my arrival in New Zealand in July. MIQ was not fun. I was confined to a hotel room alone for two weeks, delivered airplane-grade mystery meals, and occasionally allowed to go for a walk in the parking garage or to have a cotton swab stuck up my nose. If I were a very different sort of person, I could've engineered an escape out the window or made a scene in front of the New Zealand defense forces running the hotel. But I did my time, and so did all of my fellow travelers, because we knew that what awaited us on the other end was collective freedom. It was well worth a short period of personal inconvenience to keep what was at the time a very open country safe.

Beyond the failings of our government, the refusal of individual Americans to give up a single luxury in the face of this pandemic is a belligerent affront to our collective freedom. "Freedom" is constantly invoked as a reason to spurn calls for masking and social distancing, but the freedom of our communities to enjoy healthy, long lives is somehow never as important as one's individual right to not wear a piece of cloth to 7-Eleven. In this sense, although the coronavirus disaster in the United States can be in many ways concretely linked to the failure of a bloated government to act, it is also ultimately a failure of rugged individualism. The snake has begun to eat its own tail, and we're watching it happen.

I never felt truly free from March of 2020 until the day I stepped out of my MIQ facility and re-entered blissful, normal life in New Zealand. I don't feel less free in lockdown, because I know we're in it together. We could have this freedom too, if only we could embrace that our true freedom lies with one another.

[ariainstars]

Love and War: Politics and Spirituality in Star Wars

As I followed the Star Wars saga closely last year, I couldn’t help noticing that its central theme is not Good against Evil, but Love against War.

More precisely, it seems like a long parable about a mind at war: the galaxy far, far away keeps struggling with different powers which, until now, never were balanced by a common ideology. 

  The Jedi: We Have No Personal Agenda (…do we?)

As we get to know the Jedi in the prequels, we can’t be but disappointed. The supposed keepers of peace, guardians of the Force, seem a bunch of elderly, stuck-up guys who are wary of anything coming from the outside. Their meetings take place in a place which even looks like an ivory tower.

We witness the first conflict in the saga in The Phantom Menace, which absurdly is kicked off by two weird-looking guys who seem interested in nothing but their economic power.

The irony is that in their own way, the Jedi do not seem more open-minded than them; though not interested in wealth, they do only think of themselves - of the status their rank as Jedi gives them. They are so convinced of being the “good guys” that they will not lift a finger to end a raging conflict, and they don’t care what will become of a weirdly powerful nine-year-old boy who just lost his only living relative, his past and the only home he ever knew. 

It is Padmé, who is not a Jedi and has no power in the Force, who takes matters in their own hands, to the point where she falls on her knees before the Gungans asking them for their assistance..

I have repeatedly heard the Star Wars prequels being criticized due to the seeming lack of agenda of the protagonists. Which is right - they basically haven’t. The only agenda everybody seems to have is to keep things the way they are so that their personal, comfortable situation won’t change. 

But the truth is that they are not aware of the power pulling at them: there is someone who is the mastermind behind all that happens during Anakin’s youth, and we can assume that he was at work even before the boy stepped onto the stage. 

It is Senator Palpatine who convinces the Queen of Naboo to plead for a vote of no confidence against Chancellor Valorum, which in the end leaves Palpatine himself in charge. It is he, again, who makes JarJar convince the Senate to give him emergency powers due to the surge of the Separatists.

Palpatine is repeatedly shown as being Evil incarnate. Absolute power is his ultimate goal. For him, it is all or nothing. There is nothing human about him, ever, as good as he is as posing as a mellifluous politician who only has the best ends in mind.

And on top of it, Palpatine makes it appear as if he only has the purest motives, leaving the dirty work to others: Anakin marches into the Jedi temple killing everyone…

…Obi-Wan cripples Anakin mercilessly, which gives Palpatine the chance to strap him into the armor and mask that he will hence need in order to survive at all.

  The End of Everything We Loved

The name “Devil” means “separator”. Palpatine’s influence leads to separate all people who ought to belong together: friends…

 …husband and wife… 

…brothers and sisters. When they first meet, Luke and Leia don’t realize for a long time that they are, actually, siblings.

Vader doesn’t recognize his own daughter…

…nor his son: during the trench run we hear him say “The Force is strong with that one.”

  The Jedi’s failure

Enter Anakin, someone with huge personal agendas. Anakin has known slavery, the pain of separation from his mother, the helplessness having to watch her die, the fear of losing wife and unborn child in a similar way.

Does that make him an evil person? We see Anakin struggle against his fears and his violence for years. His deepest impulse is to use his enormous strength in order to protect others, but he isn’t allowed to. He can only be active if the Jedi order him to, which leads among other things to the absurd situation of having to save Palpatine, i.e. evil incarnate, risking his own and his master Obi-Wan’s life; while he was supposed to toughen it out when his own mother, a woman who probably never harmed anyone in her life, was tortured to death. 

Instinctively, Anakin’s heart always told him who needed his help. But this generosity and protectiveness never was appreciated by the Jedi, to whom “the Code” came first of all.

But what is the Jedi code, looking at it, if not a strategy to detach themselves from the world?

No families of their own.

No possessions.

No close attachments.

How is anyone supposed to still see if someone is in pain, when he was trained from early childhood on to live in a metaphorical ivory tower? 

Though not actually evil-minded (they assuredly do not want power or promote terror), the Jedi are in constant denial of the truth around them. They witness Palpatine’s ascent over and over and never realize that the most powerful Sith Lord of all is sitting a few meters away from them. 

Because to the Jedi, “what can’t be doesn’t exist”. Palpatine may be a Sith, but officially, belongs to the Jedi. Count Dooku even warns Obi-Wan; the Jedi proves his denial again with his words “Impossible. The Jedi would have sensed it.” 

So, not wanting it but also not knowing what they were doing, the Jedi enhance the conflict. And the Skywalker family, whose founder had been fathered by the Force itself, is torn and kept apart from both Jedi and Sith. 

Now we could argue: who would want to cooperate with the Sith, to have them as part of a balance, if they are evil and never do any good? 

Do they, and do the Jedi only do good and virtuous deeds? 

Obi-Wan told Luke an outright lie pretending that Vader had been Anakin’s killer; convinced that it could end only if the son killed the father.

The supposedly evil Lord Vader is the one who finally tells the truth: he proclaims to be Luke’s father, which also unveils his old master’s lie. Luke is traumatized because the truth is the opposite of what he believed. Until this very moment he was in denial, convinced that he was dealing with his father’s killer; Vader had literally to cut off his son’s hand in order to create a dramatic pause which finally allowed him to say what he wanted to: the truth.

To believe that a deed like patricide could be a positive thing only enhances the absurdity of the situation and the depth of the Jedi’s denial. As Luke confronts Obi-Wan with his manipulation, the Jedi still does not take responsibility, beyond his grave.

The Mistake: Making Things About Oneself

So, we have seen that Evil is not always wrong and Good not always right. They are strangely connected by one common, capital fault: making things about themselves.

But we repeatedly meet people who are mature enough not to make things about themselves: Padmé, Shmi, Senator Organa, (dare I say it? even JarJar), Owen and Beru.

Luke’s meeting with Vader on Bespine is pivotal because confronted with the words “You are not a Jedi yet” Luke draws his weapon first, proving Vader right. He hates the man in whom he still sees his father’s killer. It is this hatred which could have pushed him to the Dark Side. Though unknowingly and acting out of possessiveness, Vader pushed his son away from the Dark Side by saying the truth and thus crushing Luke’s hatred for him.

Much later, as he tries to save his friends, we see that Luke has learned his lesson: he tries to convince Jabba diplomatically and draws his weapon only at the last moment.

Terrified that Vader and Palpatine might be after his sister, Luke lashes out one last time. Only when he sees his father’s robotic hand he realizes the trap he was about to fall into.

Forgiveness and love bring Vader down. Compassion has won. Peace ensues, the family is united.

But many years later, we see Luke fail making things about himself again: he fears the danger his nephew could become for everything he loves.

His moment of panic pushes his nephew to the dark side. As a long-term consequence, the young man will be the murderer of the man who used to be Luke’s best friend.

Ben adopts another name and joins Snoke; war flares up and pushes itself between the members of the Skywalker family again.

Han and Leia meet after a period of separation, each bemoaning the loss of their son.

Luke, guilt-stricken, has retired to a lonely island, away from everybody.

Only shortly before his death, Luke tries to reconnect: with his sister, his brother-in-law (symbolically through the dice), the droids, his nephew. The Skywalker family is getting closer again, hinting at a future peace.

  Conclusions

The absurd situation of this generation is that at the opposite ends of the conflict are two persons who despite their outward differences couldn’t be more alike. Kylo and Rey both are lost children, desperately searching for belonging and purpose. In the brief moment of their alliance against Snoke we can see that working together, Dark and Light side are indeed invincible.

So, must the Light Side win again in order to ensure peace? 

The Dark Side is the human Id, which is all about oneself. Its advantage is that being straightforward, the Id can’t lie. Anakin / Vader always told the truth, as painful as it was.

The Id is aware of the fact that it needs its other half to be balanced. Hence, the “bad guys” always struggle to dominate, possess and at worst kill the “good guys”. We constantly see a powerful Dark Side user (Vader, Kylo) being at his strongest while he is chasing his Light Side counterpart (Luke, Rey). 

The Light Side is the Super-Ego, the conscience, which at its extreme might push a person to give up his life for someone else. The disadvantage is its tendency to deny that it needs its other half also; to believe to be solely in the right. The Jedi (including Luke, the last and the strongest of them) often overlook vital truths: none are so blind as those who will not see.

Both Luke and Rey needed their Dark Side counterparts to confront them with the truth (“I am your father”, “Your parents are dead… filthy junk traders who sold you for drinking money”). As much as it hurts them, both need to know these truths because their false pretensions held them back from being who they truly were. 

That is why “balance” is so vitally important and the only thing that can save the day and make lasting peace. Because no one can pretend that he lives solely for others (the Jedi), and no one can exist long living only by himself and for himself (the Sith). Only acknowledging one another’s positive sides and learning to cooperate, the Force users can make lasting peace in the galaxy possible. Only when a common ground is found at last, the galaxy can finally be free of the Old Republic’s stagnation, the Empire’s tyranny and the turmoil of the Rebellion. 

Peace, at last, to people of good will.

[xfulldreamerx]

About SKAM PERÚ: Peru’s school system

The word “school” is used in a lot of places around the world to refer both to actual school and then college. Here, we just use it for actual school, as college is very different and we kind of separate the experiences.

School, in Spanish, is COLEGIO. We sometimes shorten it to “cole”.

College, in Spanish, is UNIVERSIDAD. We shorten it to “U”, that is just the first letter of the word, really. It’s like a slang.

Skam Perú will take place in the first year of college of the characters. I think this decision was made because we mostly enter college at 17, which is a year earlier than in a lot of places. That means the characters are still teenagers. Skam OG took place when the squads entered high school at 15, which here wouldn’t work because we start Secondary School a lot earlier. Plus, being a newbie at college serves the purpose of no friends to Eva, and I think they will play it this way: the Eva, Jonas, Isak, Ingrid and Sara characters went all to the same Secondary School and then chose to go to the same college, following their best interests. Same as the OG, just different stages of life. 

By the way, there’s a slang word here used for new students, “cachimbo”, which means newbie at college. This slang is said by older students and people in general, sometimes in a despective way. It applies to all students fresh out of school, or that are in their first year in their career. 

How does it work?

Officially, school starts when you’re 3 years old, and it’s obligatory until you’ve finished Secondary School. There are three stages in the obligatory school system of Peru:

Inicial (Kindergarten, preschool): From age 3 to 6

Age 3-4: Beginners

Age 4-5: Pre-kinder

Age 5-6: Kinder

Primaria (Primary School): From age 6 to 12

Age 6-7: First grade

Age 7-8: Second grade

Age 8-9: Third grade

Age 9-10: Fourth grade

Age 10-11: Fifth grade

Age 11-12: Sixth grade

Secundaria (Secondary School): From age 12 to 17

Age 12-13: First year (Seventh grade)

Age 13-14: Second year (Eighth grade)

Age 14-15: Third year (Ninth grade)

Age 15-16: Fourth year (Tenth grade)

Age 16-17: Fifth year (Eleventh grade)

Then we have, of course, college. La universidad. College lasts five years here, for most careers, at least. Majors are just that, careers. Minors don’t exist, just specializations. Sometimes, careers will last six or seven years (like Psychology or Human Medicine, respectively).

Due to centralization (around one particular city), all good colleges are considered to be located in Lima, the capital city of Peru. This statement is actually - and sadly - true. Let me make a comparison with the US: it’s true that there are some remarkable colleges there (the Ivy League ones, for example), but you don’t have to study in one of them in order to get proper and good education, an education who will be recognized and accepted everywhere in the world. However, centralization in Peru has made all the good colleges take a place in Lima, with some other venues in other cities that are also considered important. These other venues are very few, and colleges in small cities are mostly public ones.

Is there a difference between public and private schools?

Yes, there is, and a huge one.

The public school system straight-up sucks. Peru is one of the worst countries regarding education in all Latin America. We are one of the countries that invests the least in education, period. Public schools are old, have horrible infrastructure, few teachers and are generally bad managed - the little budget they have access to has all to do with it. For that reason, public schools are always the last options for families to put their children into. Just families who can’t afford to pay for private schools are the ones who send their children to public schools. An exception is perhaps when one of the parents went to a good public school (there are very few), and want to send their children there as well despite not knowing the current situation of said school.

Now, private schools here are for the middle and high classes. Informally, you could say that there are two types of private schools: 

First, the ones almost everyone in the middle-class spectrum can afford, which go from school chains to religious schools or independent schools.

Second, the exclusive ones, super expensive and elitist, afforded just by rich families. These private schools have an international level, but they mostly serve the high class. That is, almost any of the population access to them, because we’re mostly middle class or downright poor.

Private schools are the goal of every family for their children. There are lots of them, owned by huge companies or churches or some investor who sees in a school a good income.

The only good public schools in the country are the COARs, Colegios de Alto Rendimiento. High-Performance Schools, where only students with the best grades and low incomes can get into.

All that I just wrote applies to college. Public colleges have a little more of status, because of their history, but private colleges are a huge thing and usually more valued. If you get into a public college, you might be taken in a good account, if the college itself is prestigious. For example, here in Peru, we have Universidad Nacional Mayor de San Marcos. National University of San Marcos (Saint Mark). It is the most ancient university in all the continent of America (yes, including the US). This college is so prestigious that a lot of people want to get in it, so it’s very hard to do so, and you are very well considered once you make it there. The side effect is that San Marcos, as a public college, has often hiatuses in the middle of terms because of protests and inner conflicts due to bad managing and the teacher’s low salary. 

A private college that is considered one the bests here is Pontificia Universidad Católica del Perú. Pontifical Catholic University of Peru. If you manage to enter there, you are praised, because, again, it’s really difficult and very prestigious. The difference is in the quality of the education, the benefits you obtain as a student (in this college, a lot), and that, well, La Católica doesn’t really interrupt its classes all of a sudden. This college is known for its efficiency and is preferred over the public ones. Actually, a lot of private colleges are preferred over public ones. For example, just people who can’t afford a good private college would try to enter San Marcos, despite San Marcos being so renowned. Oh, and of course there are some very bad private colleges, as there also are very bad private schools. 

Side note: San Marcos has some careers, like Philosophy and Literature, that only La Católica has as well. If you can afford to go to La Católica, you will probably go there instead of San Marcos, because, again, getting into San Marcos is hard, despite those careers being well-taught there.

What is considered a school year in Peru?

First, this: Seasons in South America are different.

Summer: From December to March

Fall: From March to June

Winter: From June to September

Spring: From September to December

Based on that, a school and college year is also different. Here, classes start in March, which is near the end of the summer and the beginning of fall. Likewise, classes end no later than in December (unless there’s some extraordinary reason to drag them until January). This way, we have summer to enjoy, like all around the world.

School is divided into terms that depend on the schools themselves: they could use bimesters or trimesters. A lot of schools use bimesters now because they stick better to the national curriculum. These bimesters would be: 

March-May

May-July

August-October  

October-December

They don’t have to strictly last two months, just close to it. The reason the third bimester starts in August is because there’s an obligatory holiday period of two weeks at the end of July that, of course, finishes in August.

Colleges use “ciclos”, which literally means “cycles”, in English - they are translated better just to the word “terms”, which encapsulates a time period that goes from three months and a half to five. First term starts in March and ends in June/July. Second term starts in July/August and ends in December (this is really subjected to the college itself).  Each term is divided into halves:

The first half ends with mid-term exams, which in Spanish are “parciales”.

Second half ends with finals, which in Spanish are “finales”. 

IMPORTANT: Not all midterms and finals are actual exams - some of them are projects that depend on the subject. 

The school year begins and ends within the same actual year, so we are already free for Christmas and New Year. 

There’s a law that dictates what age you have to be to enter a grade/year. It gives you until March of the current year to reach that age, or you will have to enter the grade/year before the one you “should” be. For example, if I wanted to enter preschool, I would have to be already 3 years old by the time classes start in March, and if I’m not 3 yet, I have to be within that same month. If my birth day is in April or in a month past March, then I can’t enter preschool until the next year. Same aplies to Primary and Secondary School. That’s the reason you will find someone in, I don’t know, third year who enters with 14 years of age, but that finish that year with 15, because their birthday is on November. That’s also why a lot of sutdents finish fifth year with 17 and not 16 - you start with an age, and finish with another. People whose birthday are on summer don’t have this problem. 

How are the schedules?

Here, I’ll just talk about Primary and Secondary School, because both have the same schedule inside the school entity you belong to.

Classes begin no later than 8am. Gates open at seven, and you have to be in your classroom before the bell rings, which usually between 7:30am and 7:45am. If a student arrives at school after the bell rang, it is considered “late”, and you get admonished.

Classes end in the afternoon - usually, between 2pm and 4pm. Most of schools end in the range from 2:30pm to 3pm. This is really inconsistent, as all schools have different rules. 

IMPORTANT: Public schools begin and end at the same all around the country (There are special cases). It’s private schools who vary from one another.

Colleges’ schedules are the same as all over the world. Classes are dictated through the day, and you have to craft your schedule following your best interests. That said, some colleges make the schedules themselves, and students have to follow them. A special case in some colleges is when they give the new students the schedule for the first term they will have there, but then the students are responsible for their schedules for the rest of the other terms. 

What’s the big difference between school and college?

In the US and some European countries, obligatory school time includes high school. High schools are crafted like colleges. Yes, everyone goes to school at the same time, but you choose the classes you are into (according to your interests and possible future career), and you share each one of them with different people, besides the fact that every class takes place in a different classroom. Colleges have almost the same system.

In Peru, it’s not that way. Secondary School is done in five years, as stated previously in this post. Those five years, it is like this:

1. Everyone in your year takes the same classes. 

In private schools, the subjects vary: some of them can have just seven subjects, and some of them up to fourteen. 

In public schools, the subjects are the same in all the country (unless there are exceptions).

2. One year can be divided into sections, which depend on the maximum capacity per classroom. For example, if the capacity per classroom in a school is 30 students, and the Fifth Year has 58 students, the first 30 make a section, and the other 28, another one. Sections are often named by the letters of the alphabet, starting by the A. Public schools tend to have a lot of sections, meaning they are very crowded.

3. Classes happen all in the same classroom. Said class is your year and your section put together. For example, if you are a fifth year of section B, your class is 5to “B” (5th B). This is the only class and classroom you belong to, alongside all the classmates who are in the same year and section as you. All your classes will be dictated in said classroom.

4. Of course, this means the schedule is the same for everyone in your classroom, as you all share the same classes. 

5. There are different teachers for each subject (there are cases where a teacher can dictate more than one class, though). Teachers enter and leave the classroom according to the schedule of the class they dictate.

6. Your classmates are always the same. This is a bit duh. You reach Prom with them and share space and experiences with them every single day, which creates, involuntarily, a stronger bond. That said, not all classmates are friends. You have your group of friends, but you also know everyone else and will interact with them at some point while you’re in school.

7. Your class has a tutor. This role is performed by a teacher, who is specialized in a subject, and who will probably also teach you said subject. The tutor’s responsibility is to assure you’re doing good, that there is a good environment, and to guide you through it all by helping you when necessary. The tutor changes every year, though sometimes a class might keep its tutor if the school allows it. A tutor can become the worst nightmare of the class, or the most beloved teacher they’ll ever have.

8. You’re obligated to have one notebook per subject (sometimes this changes to a folder). When the teacher writes on the board, you have to write it in said notebook as well. Taking notes about what they say is optional, but all they write has to be in your notebook, and the same goes for everything they tell you to write apart from the stuff that is on the board.

All that I just explained applies from the third grade of Primary School and so on. First and second grade is almost the same, the difference being that just one teacher (usually a woman) teaches you all the subjects (and that you’re not allowed to write with a pen, just with a pencil). 

Colleges follow the “liberal path”, you could say. School obligates you to use uniforms, both public and private ones. College allows you to use normal clothes. I already explained that the schedule is mostly up to the student. 

Now, campuses are another thing. Almost none of the colleges in Lima have huge campuses that include shops and cafés and apartment buildings. Here, college campuses are in the middle of the city, and just have classrooms and other facilities that benefit the students. For example, I go to Universidad Peruana de Ciencias Aplicadas (UPC, Peruvian University of Applied Sciences). This college is located in a principal avenue in San Miguel district, in Lima. It consists of four buildings and some outdoor spaces, and is next to a market and an electro domestics store. The property is limited to the buildings and the outdoor spaces, nothing more. Some colleges are bigger, of course, but very few of them have property attached to them that is not strictly for study or related purposes. 

Also, college might have more than one campus in the same city, Lima. Each campus might hold different faculties, or the same ones if their sole purpose is to be near more students. Retaking my college example, UPC has four campuses in Lima, in different districts. My career is dictated in the four of them, but this is not always the case, like with Education, which is dictated in just one of the campuses. 

I will share more details about college life in a post dedicated to it, if you want me to. I’ve focused more in actual school because it will probably be a huge part of the background, mentioned a lot, and being so different from the rest of the world might make difficult to understand references and the characters adapting to it, which, as you’ve read, is a whole new world.

If you have doubts or you didn’t get something, tell me, and I’ll do my best to help!

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki SSL: Tell me! Secrets Q&A

Last post of the month! so I’ll once again end by asking you to please support me if you can either on ko-fi, through paypal or patreon for access to my blog post translations or just to support me. …. also let me know if you have any hakuoki drama cds that you’d be willing to share that are on my looking for list since i either do not have audio for those cds or do not have audio that i can share...

This is the thing that i left as ???? on my March update post... and the thing that i accidentally posted the title of back in may when i was planning out my queue (oops?). 

I think I should start by saying that I translated this for amusement.... though I won't deny how this is a fascinating piece of reference for writing hahaha......

Unfortunately since this is only limited to the main six, I really wish I had some of Yamazaki’s responses to these....

Favourites by character order: Hijikata's answer to Q4, Saito's to Q5, Harada's to Q7 and Kazama's to Q7.

Only for references purposes. LMAO. 

enjoy!

Hakuoki SSL: Tell me! Secrets Q&A

From 『B's-LOG別冊 オトメイトマガジン vol.9』

Translation by KumoriYami

Q1: What is the first thing you wash when bathing [text can be interpreted as either bath or shower]?

Q2: Where would you want to go for a date?

Q3: At Hakuo Gakuen, who do you have the best relationship with?

Q4: Where do you want to go most now?

Q5: What words and actions/behaviours from a woman make you feel a rush of excitement/moves you ["feel a rush of excitement" is an idiom. can be also interpreted more literally as 'move your heart']/excite you the most?

Q6: What are your favourite school activities [roughly says: fond of school activities]?

Q7: What do you wear while sleeping?

Q8: What are your best and worst subjects?

Q9 What happened recently that made you happy?

----------

Hijikata Toshizou

A1: Hands should be washed first.

A2: This...... How about going to a Buddhist shine that has snow in its surroundings. We can recite poetry [either that or songs]....... No, I didn't say anything.

A3: Kondou-san.

A4: I don't know why, [but], no matter what happens, I want to see Hokkaido [says reckless/regardless of everything].

A5: Rather than saying affecting the heart, perhaps it might be better to say that [I'm] not good at dealing with a woman staring into my eyes without fear [or something like that...?].

A6: Although it might cause misunderstandings, that would naturally be writing exams [conducting exams to be written...?].

A7: I sleep in Western style pyjamas.

A8: The subject I am good at is classical literature, [and] I'm not good at chemistry.

A9: Probably when I met with that guy who listened to listened to me without getting tired.

----------

Okita Souji

A1: Hey, after learning about this, what do you plan on doing?

A2: Of course, it needs to be a place where you can go have fun and be happy. That's How about an amusement park, or something like that?

A3:……This question is very difficult to answer. Who knows.

A4: Now? During winter? Oh...... somewhere that isn't cold.

A5: Heheh...... you're probably just wanting to secretly watch me while thinking I haven't found anything out, and of how surprised I'll look when I do.

A6: Club activities.

A7: What will you be wearing? If you want to tell me, I'll tell you after.

A8: I'm actually not particularly good at anything, [but] I dislike classical literature the most.

A9: I saved quite a few pictures of someone recently.

----------

Saito Hajime

A1: Ah, probably the feet.

A2: Da-date!? Then...... a place to go together with a woman? For me/As far as I'm concerned, as long as we're together, it doesn't mater where we go.

A3: Well, when it concerns time spent on school activities, that would be Yamazaki.

A4: I don't know why [but] I look forward to winter, and would like to see snow as soon as possible....... I want to go to a place where I can see snow. 

[Personally, i don't get why people like summer lol. I seriously hate summer. and the heat. Snow is soooo much better than the heat. i absolutely can't stand hot weather lol]

A5: Does this question have to be answered? Really...... then, when she shows/exposes her ear...... Ah.

A6: Probably school trips. It's nice to go learn and study new things in places you wouldn't normally go to.

A7: I personally feel that tight sweatshirts are very good.

A8: I'm good at classical literature, [but] I'm not good at math.

A9: When two equal partners people share their lives...... when you hold your other half's hand, you will immediately feel that you are not alone.

----------

Toudou Heisuke

A1: If taking a bath/shower....... of course it'd be the head, the head!

A2: Obviously going to the game centre! Eh...... ah, for a date? Then, is going to karaoke OK? [ok is ENG here]

A3:  The person that I have the best relationship with, that'd be Souji since we're constantly together. However let me say beforehand, that this doesn't mean I have a good relationship with him.

A4: This period [Right now]...... it'd be nice to participate in a snow festival? I'd like to go somewhere where I can play with snow.

A5: This....... Ah....... Is it that just that I'm defenceless, or was I just relieved..... [to be able to show her my] sleeping face like that? [I think??????????????]

A6: The cultural festival!

A7: Sleeping in a skintight sweatshirt/sports jersey?

A8: Subject that I'm good at, I can fill in the blanks for modern language [i'm assuming this means a version of Japanese characters but since I don't feel like looking it up right now, I'm just going to leave that translation as is for now.] during an exam, but I'm completely unable to understand stuff in English.

A9: Er...... Well...... after being going into that room again after many years...... I found that the inside arrangement/layout had changed a lot so I was surprised. However she was really happy to let me in.

----------

Harada Sanosuke

A1: Hey. Do you know the common sense of bathing before taking before taking a shower?

A2: Date...... as long as it's the two of us together, it doesn't matter where we go. After she turns 20, there are many places that I'd like to take her to.

A3: Rather than saying that it's a good relationship, it might be accurate to call the relationship with Shinpachi and ill-fated one/ It's not so much a good relationship as a bad one between myself and Shinpachi.

A4: It's rarely winter, I want to go with a country with lots of snow. During the day I'll ski and take a sled/sleigh/bobsled, and in evenings I'll go soak in a spa/hot spring, while also enjoying other foreign culture.

A5: This....... [Seeing] the view of your back while [you're] in the cooking for me in the kitchen.

[the wording in this sentence reaaaaaaally threw me off since it kinda (more literally) reads as "in the kitchen as I cook from behind" ]

A6: All the activities conducted by the school, they're unbelievably exhausting. However, being able to watch how all the students grow and mature, is something to enjoy.

A7: Regardless of what is said...... pyjamas will ultimately become an obstruction. [ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) pfft...]

A8: This, since it's my specialty [referring to subject taught], I'm fast[? and?] good at using my body. Subsequently, I'm not good at every subject that requires lots of thinking.

A9: How can I say this, there's a line that absolutely must not be crossed when I'm together with her...... If I'm not resolute, this line would easily be crossed...... I've been thinking about this lately.

----------

Kazama Chikage

A1: Bathing......? The first thing to do, shouldn't that be immersing oneself in the bathtub?

A2:  First tell me where you want to go. I will bring you there.

A3: This way of describing the relationship is very literal [??? well something like that. either that or something along the lines of: That is a good adjective that literally describes the relationship]. It goes without saying, that would naturally be my wife.

A4: Where my wife and I get married.

A.5 Hesitating while wanting to say something with beautiful and delicate eyes while gazing at my appearance, hahaha......

A6: Of course that would be student council [activities].

[it's either that or student assemblies depending on how the words after ‘student' are interpreted, since if they are translated as verbs instead of noun/adjectives, it can mean something to the effect of 'complete gathering of students'... which is also why im kinda leaning towards 'assemblies' though.]

A7: What is meant by this question? Isn't it common sense to sleep while naked?

A8: I'm an expert at every subject. No subject exists that I am not an expert in.

A9: Fufu....... This year I will surely be able to graduate. I've been waiting for so long...... waiting for far too long!

----------

this probably felt longer to translate than it actually did lol... too many questions and answers.... also i don’t know if this was reprinted in one of the ssl books. maybe when i’m bored i’ll mtl the jp to double check some of this lol.... or not.

[arrivalation]

2020: An Account

This year has been a nonstop, off-the-rails bullet train ride into what looked at first like chaos, but ultimately was a tearing down and reconstruction of my entire being. Because I know myself and I know I won’t remember much of this later, I’m recording it here. It’s hard to put some of this information out, but the universe regularly urges me to be more open. So here I go.

January

I got married.

It was, without contest, the absolute best day of my life. I’ve known since I was real little that I wanted to be married, that I wanted to be loved the way M loves me and to love someone just as much. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of having achieved that, and being able to share that with my entire circle. @abyssalsun​ made it down!! (my only regret is that @ladyoriza​ couldn’t make it, but I’m still so glad we got to make it to theirs). As often as I can, I revisit the memory of going to @chromecutie​’s house afterward, thinking it’d just be the four of us there, and opening the door to find a whole impromptu surprise party happening. Everyone cheered for us when we came in. I played CAH with Mordred, my brother and his wife, and several friends from out of town. By all accounts, these people would never have been in the same room together, but they were, and it was transcendent. It’s been almost a year, and I still haven’t recovered from all the planning and stress; but now that I’m past it, I can say with relief that it was 100% worth it.

February

We bought a house.

Up until this point, I’d been planning a wedding, participating in house-buying stuff as best I could, interviewing for a job I ended up not taking, and dealing with life-long mental illness that was festering and reaching critical mass. But then stuff started wrapping up. The wedding happened. The house was ours. We moved in. I could finally fucking breathe. LMAO bitch you thought.

March

The pandemic reached us.

I guess by this point it had probably already been in the US for a couple months, idr. But it wasn’t until March that things really started happening. People started dying in droves. New cases spread like wildfire. I remember thinking that this would be the zombie apocalypse, because at this point, I don’t think the CDC knew much about the virus. In my anxious mind, that was a completely reasonable assumption. My boss had us all start working from home. We all thought it’d be just a couple weeks.

April

I settled into working from home.

It didn’t take me long to get used to it, maybe a week. I hadn’t yet gotten used to my new hour-long commute from the new house to work, and so working from home quickly became my new normal. But I didn’t know yet why working from home was so good for me. All I knew was that I now had the brain-space to process things. I had the energy to do yoga and cook and do hobbies, and the time to appreciate and care for the home I lived in. I could think more clearly because there was no one else around to distract me. There was sunlight I could bask in. I felt human for once, and that became vitally important and infinitely valuable to me. Despite that, I still struggled with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and some of the worst depression I’ve suffered through since I was a teenager. Outside my house, everything was a fucking mess and no one had their shit together.

May

I went back to the office for a few weeks.

There was a lull in pandemic activity. My boss had us all start coming back to the office again. At this point, I couldn’t make heads or tails of reality anymore. Everything was changing, nothing was stable. I desperately needed to stay working from home, because that was the one thing that felt Good and Right, but I had no real argument other than, 'I just need to.' So imagine me, at this point a soggy, run-over sloppy joe, attempting to return to normal. As you might think, it was... bad. I cried and hurt all the time. I think I really freaked out my boss with the way I reacted to coming back to the office. But then the second wave hit, and we all went back to working from home again.

June

Uncle Mike died on the first day of the month.

My uncle had been sick for a while, but no one was expecting him to die so suddenly. None of us were ready for it.

I also died that day.

It might sound dramatic, but I mean it quite literally and honestly. Over the years, I had gained suspicion that I was on the autism spectrum. M graciously found me a psychiatrist that took my insurance (and happened to be right next door). I wasn’t even going in for that - I was seeking treatment for my anxiety and depression. But I had amassed a (very long) list of my symptoms, and I brought it with me and read it to my doctor. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the list when he stopped me. I’m paraphrasing here, but in effect, he said, “No, yeah, you’re definitely autistic.”

I remember the way my body felt. Like someone had detonated a bundle of TNT in my chest, and I was burning from the inside out. At the time, I didn’t realize this emotional immolation was purposeful and executed by the universe to get rid of this old structure and build a newer, better, stronger one. For about fifteen seconds after he said that, I was relieved that it had been that easy, that there was an explanation for everything that my ADHD didn’t explain. It made a ton of sense why my environment was so important to me. And then I felt something unnameable. It was obvious to my doctor that I was autistic. Had it been obvious to everyone else? Why hadn’t it been obvious to me? I read the rest of my symptoms to him in a daze. I don’t remember how the rest of the appointment went.

And then I burned quietly and ungracefully until I was a pile of ashes. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently it’s common for newly-diagnosed autistic people to have such dramatic and painful reactions, especially if they weren’t well-informed on the condition. Which I wasn’t.

I started therapy.

I also started learning about my “flavor” of autism. It was arduous, embarrassing, isolating, and ugly. I became aware that I had been masking my whole life, and I was astounded by just how often I did so. What really crushed me was knowing that I’d always have to mask to protect myself. I also became hyper-aware of the things that made me Feel Bad. Inexplicably, I stopped being able to react to those things the way I used to. Previously, if something made a loud and unexpected sound, I would suppress my reaction, because it’s not cool to get mad about it. But I found I couldn’t do that anymore. I had no choice but to react the way I needed to react. I realize now that this was to make me aware of what things make me feel a certain way so I can either avoid them or learn better tools to deal with them.

The therapist I saw wasn’t specialized in autism, and she wasn’t any help in that area, but she did teach me some important things. Like, “Is it reasonable for me to feel ____?”

July

Black hole.

I don’t remember a whole lot from this month, except sifting my own ashes through my fingers and crying. Every day brought a new revelation, a new thing that clicked. All of it was helpful and very painful. My psychiatrist recommended medication, but I’d had a bad and long-lasting experience with medication as a teenager, so I suffered through the pain on my own.

I shouldn’t have. I got so low I didn’t want to be alive anymore. But I think it took reaching the bottom and feeling that much pain for me to get over my fear of pharmaceuticals. 

I got into astrology.

I had been interested in it for most of my life, but it wasn’t until this point that I started studying it in depth. I discovered it was a language that I could use to translate so many things about my own life that I didn’t understand. It was a rulebook in a time when I desperately needed rules - but one just flexible enough that it taught me how to stop thinking in binary.

August

I got medicated.

There was a big adjustment period, of course. It didn’t cure me. But it did start to make things easier. And it helped to know that, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, I deserved to rest. I deserved not to feel so much emotional pain all the time.

I turned 30.

It was easily the second best day of my life. I learned a lot of important things, like that it’s important to be present, that I’m seen and loved (just the way I am!!), and that I deserve good things. M planned a whole day of surprises:

I woke up at my leisure and we had coffee on the couch. He got me a cute card with one of our inside jokes inside - I still have it.

We went to our favorite combination lunch place and bakery, which I believe was our first real outing since the pandemic started.

We stopped by a tattoo place. I almost got a tattoo.

He set me loose in Texas Art Supply.

We got dim sum for dinner.

We had a lovely virtual cocktail hour with @chromecutie.

He bought me an ipad!!

I became Spiritual™.

I had been agnostic for the past decade or so, slowly and subtly slipping into nihilism, without realizing how detrimental those ideas were to me. I’m not sure what I thought spirituality was before, but I wasn’t into it. I had always rolled my eyes at people who talked about “a higher power”, auras, and spirit guides, until I became that person.

My psychiatrist introduced some powerful ideas to me, ones that meshed well with my previously-existing idea of how the universe worked. I won’t get into details here. That’s a whole other post. Ask me though - I’d love to talk about it.

Anyway, I started (intermittently) meditating. I learned some exceptionally powerful stuff. I felt my scaffolding being erected.

September

I started learning who I am and why I am this way.

I started seeing a new therapist. She thinks like me. She follows my erratic, forking trains of thought. She sees me and offers real, actionable feedback and solutions. Working with her, I’ve gained the ability to see my life from a 30,000-foot view. I can see now why I’ve felt so lonely my whole life. I understand how my family’s dysfunction has shaped me. I know now that I have the opposite of a victim complex - by default, I believe I am so awful that I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. Because that’s what I was taught to believe. Learning that I deserve to take up space, set boundaries, say no, and be wrong sometimes is still a hard lesson for me. But most days, I believe it now. It takes other people believing it and convincing me. I still need that reassurance often.

My parents sold my childhood home.

Mentally, emotionally, I still lived there. I was still the inverted victim, still beholden to my stepdad’s whims and my mom’s complete cognitive dissonance. This was a blinking neon sign from the universe that it was time to move out. My mom told me when the closing date was so I’d have time to drive down and look at the house one last time. I didn’t go, and I still don’t regret it.

I started learning my boundaries.

After my spiritual move-out, I learned I don’t have to jump when my stepdad holds out the little circus hoop. When he otherwise shows zero interest in my life but still baits me with passive-aggressive texts, I don’t have to answer!! What a concept! I don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to my mom more than I do. We have very little in common, and I still have a lot of things to work through regarding her.

I learned how not to be so reactive.

Or rather, I’m still learning. Something else I learned in therapy is that over the course of my life, I’ve developed a desperate need to defend myself and to justify every action or thought I have, even to myself. It’d been especially troubling at work. My RSD led me to felt stupid, incompetent, and unseen daily; if my boss complimented someone, I believed it also meant he thought I was stupid and bad and wrong, otherwise he would have complimented me too. If my boss said something that even remotely sounded like I’d done something wrong, I’d race to build an impenetrable defense: “This is the reason I did that. Here’s my line of thinking. Do you understand? Can you please understand?”

Now I know that so little of what everything everyone says or does at work is about me. I can appreciate a coworker’s accomplishment and also realize it doesn’t take away anything from me. I’m not stupid or incompetent, and I’m a valuable part of the team. A lot of times, my boss and I are on two different wavelengths - that’s because I think a lot faster, which can be frustrating for him sometimes. He doesn’t fully understand me, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.

October

I let go of an old friend.

This was especially hard, because I had known this person for years. We’d gone through a lot together, and we’d shared some really important and emotional story plots and characters. I had agonized over whether I was truly important to her or not. It didn’t matter how much I loved her as a friend, or how badly I wanted us to be close again and remain close. I had learned to read the universe’s signs, and it was clear it was time to move on.

November

The election happened.

I was expecting things to turn out badly, but I still hoped for something good. And then something good did happen. I cried watching Harris’ speech. I felt a tenuous hope that things might finally start looking up, societally. I still haven’t really let myself fully embrace that hope, but every time I see a court shoot down another lawsuit, or hear about trump’s own conservative republican supporters tell him, “Okay, buddy, it’s time to step down,” I feel a little better. 

M and I went non-monogamous.

There’s so much I want to say about this, but it’s for another post. Suffice it to say that like every other experience this year, it has been unexpectedly challenging and ultimately a catalyst for  priceless growth. I’m unfathomably grateful that we’re doing this together, for the things we’ve learned so far, and for how much closer this experience has made us, even when I didn’t think we could get any closer. 

Turns out I’m not gray-ace.

I had identified as such for a couple years, which was why we wanted to try non-monogamy in the first place. On the surface, it perfectly explained my sexual personality. But every time I told someone my identity, I felt inexplicably sad. When I read about others having “normal” sex drives and “normal” relations with their spouses, I felt jealous.

Turns out I’m just traumatized, lol. Walking along this non-mono path has unearthed a lot of things, including this gem.

December

This was our first married christmas in our new house.

One of the handful of good things the pandemic has done for me was allowing me to back up my boundaries with hard evidence. It’s been difficult dealing with my stepdad bullying me about not coming over for thanksgiving, and having my mom subtly guilt me into making plans for next year already. But what I needed this year was a quiet holiday, instead of the usual weeks-long chaos, and I got it. And it was fucking delightful. I’ve dreamed of days exactly like that one - spending a tranquil morning with my spouse, sipping coffee and listening to music and eating treats. Deciding exactly how we want our holidays to be, because we deserve to.

I’m scared of what’s to come in the new year. I’m still an anxious mess, and some days I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of the spirals I throw myself into. I’ve gotten used to the pandemic holding my hand, allowing me to shelter in my home, helping me enforce my boundaries, teaching me who I am. When it’s over, I don’t know what will happen or how I’ll react or what I’ll learn next. I’m not finished rebuilding, but I don’t think that’s the point. I’ll never be fully rebuilt. But at least I’m figuring out the new layout.

[purplesurveys]

1175

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it?  My dinner had broccoli and bell peppers in it.

What was your last Facebook notification for?  It was Aliyah replying to our comment thread on one of my posts. There wasn’t anything in her comment that was worth replying to anymore, so I just reverted with a Haha react.

What bands have you seen live? Paramore, Coldplay (not super legally), and One Direction.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother:  She almost became a flight attendant, but she failed the final screening because of her height. I think the idea of her nearly having a completely different career is very interesting.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13?  In my case, probably getting my period. I got my first one when I was barely 10.

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore?  Chicken curry. I also hateeeeeeeed Dora the Explorer with a passion, but now I find the show hilarious haha.

What are your plans later today? My work sched this week had been so fucking PACKED, that I want to do nothing but catch up on sleep all weekend. But seeing as I’m a proponent of revenge bedtime procrastination, I also highly doubt I’d let myself fall into a nap (Exhibit A: Me currently taking this survey at 2 AM...) If anything, I’ll probably just continue watching BTS In The Soop and finally start on Season 2 of Bon Voyage.

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend?  Well, it’s the weekend already, so...that ^ I will also have to take Cooper to the vet this Sunday.

Who do you talk to the most? Other than my team at work, Angela. I’ve been extra talkative these days because of our now-mutual excessive love for BTS, that I sometimes feel bad that I keep bombarding her with messages.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old?  Talk to my friends who are still in college, especially when they update me about the current happenings in UP that I have absolutely no clue about anymore.

Who is your best guy friend(s)?  I don’t have any best guy friends.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?  Neither; I’m fine with my tannish skin tone.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it?  Keep it; I already do.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nah. My last one had been nearly 5 years ago, when I needed to get my back checked for scoliosis.

Do you think your first love still loves you?  No. And that’s okay. :)

What is something that is “going right” in your life?  EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG I am so so happy with my life right now weeeee. I have the job of my dreams – I’m even working with THE ACTUAL K-POP GROUP SLASH PHENOMENON SLASH ICONS BTS for one of the clients I handle FHKDHGKHGFDKGHDKGH, I have the best and most supportive friends in the world, and I am now starting to grow my collection of BTS merch with my hard-earned money. Everything is going abso-fucking-lutely perfectly, and to think I didn’t think I would make it past 2020.

When did you feel ready to start dating?  Middle of high school.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s?  I was play fighting with Cooper earlier tonight, and he got a little bit excited and ended up biting my upper lip quite harder than usual. It stung for a while, but it’s okay now.

Where were you the last time you made out?  I think it was my bedroom.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Yesterday.

How do you type your sad smileys?  Just this :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house?  Nope.

What was the last soda you drank?  Probably the Coke I drank at an org event last year, pre-pandemic, out of sheer thirst. There wasn’t any water being served so I just gulped down the soda and tried to ignore the annoying fizziness. I don’t drink soda.

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for?  I was having a video call session with my workmates this afternoon as a way to end the week on a good note, and I recounted my experience of being locked out of the office while I was in the middle of a presentation for a client, and how I managed to get myself back in.

Have you ever had any type of surgery?  Nope.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent?  No.

Who was the last person to hit on you?  No one has in a while.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to?  A deliverable a client asked me to do. It can wait til Monday.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone?  Maybe straight up admitting to my mom that she can be hurtful sometimes. It’s hard because she never actually processes things like that and they do nothing but vanish into thin air, even though it takes everything in me to be that honest.

What do you put on hot dogs?  Mayonnaise.

Ever fallen in the shower?  Like once, when I was 10 or 11.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about?  Continued from last night. It was probably ‘bitch.’ Based on what I’ve learned from my mom, I put extra effort in particuarly watching what comes out of my mouth, because I know how words stick.

Do you think that things will get better?  I did, and now it has.

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life?  I think I may have. The story is a little triggering though, so I wouldn’t share it.

What’s your favourite book genre?  Doesn’t really count as a genre but I like auto/biographies.

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre?  I’ve felt like it, but I’ve never done it.

Do dogs like you?  Yes, at least for 99.5% of my experiences.

Would you say that you project an air of authority?  In certain circles. But there are some groups where I trust others to lead rather than me.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool?  Nah, because I’ve never seen one. But even if I did, I think I would be too scared to do it hahaha.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body)  One. I use it to wash my entire body already.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes?  No.

Who do you know that had a baby recently?  The son of one of my old college instructors. I believe she had been born in March because that prof recently posted family photos on Facebook that celebrated the baby’s first monthsary.

Do you like Usher’s songs?  Not in particular.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark?  Not a big fan of these as I find them unhygienic haha. The last time must have been...like anywhere between 12-15 years ago.

Have you ever ridden a train? Just once, and I had to go with Jum because I didn’t want to go alone.

What do you eat your French fries with?  Mayonnaise. If there isn’t any available, I’d want the fries to at least be generously sprinkled with salt; otherwise I’d find it too bland.

Do you have family problems?  Nothing blatant, but I know we are more dysfunctional than how we make it out to be.

What’s the last food you ate that was stale?  Pizza. I got two extra large boxes for my birthday last Wednesday and until now we still have some of it around :((( I ate some slices at around 3 AM earlier and they were tough as fuck to chew, hahaha. Still good, though.

How do you like your grilled cheese?  I don’t have grilled cheese sandwiches often. Surprise me.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked?  I don’t cook.

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  I liked watching my cousin play video games; playing outside; and answering my friends’ autograph books (aka my pre-survey days, lol).

Have you ever been close to drowning? Yup but just once. I was swimming and was just about to come up for air when one of my cousins, coming from the bottom of the pool, suddenly started to playfully pull me down. I was nearly out of breath by then and he had a much stronger grip on me, so I struggled for a while and ended up panicking and thrashing around a bit before I was able to wriggle myself free.

Have you ever had a panic attack?  It’s rare that it happens, but when it does it’s really bad and there’s no telling when it would subside.

Do you like doing housework?  Some, and only if I’m in the mood to. If I feel like I have to do it, then I get lazy.

Would you ever get implants?  I considered it before as a teen, back when small-chested girls were still bullied or made fun of on an everyday basis. How fucked up is that? I’m so relieved at how much social media has progressed.

Do you own a robe?  No.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? I have a younger sister but she’s barely a baby; she’s literally turning 21 this year. Nina.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off?  I like crust as long as it’s normal crust or stuffed crust. I can’t stand thin crust.

What was the last song you listened to?  Euphoria - credited to BTS, but it’s a Jungkook solo.

Have any of your family members been to jail?  Not blood relatives, but I know of super extended unrelated family members who’ve been to prison. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with?  I don’t think so. Sometimes no closure is closure.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read?  I can’t, actually. All I remember is that I suddenly wanted to read everything by the time I was 5 and asked for nothing but storybooks every Christmas.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most?  College. Gabie also had a very big influence on me during our relationship.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled?  Yes, but it was because it was already decayed.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school?  No, but I do elements of it in my work so that works out well for me. I wanted to be an author when I was in grade school, and today I regularly write various materials in my job.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into?  I just wanna get reconnected with The Crown again. I was already into it but I had to stop watching for a LONG time, because the show had some personal connections to my ex and so it seemed hard to get into the new season without breaking down lol. Now that I’m doing fine, I feel like it’s a good time to revisit the show.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military?  Won’t happen here, but it’s the kind of situation where I wouldn’t really have a choice and would have to follow.

What is your favorite Queen song?  I don’t have any.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? What do you mean, use...? Don’t you just use money to pay?? Hahaha or if you mean convert, then yeah I know how to do that with several currencies – US dollar, Korean won, Euro, Japanese yen, and whatever official name the pound has.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you?  Nope.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test?  I have not.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do?  I usually don’t have plans laid out on weekends these days anymore, so lately it’s all been a matter of winging it and just wanting to make sure that by the end of the day I get to say I made the most out of my free time.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl?  The time we did museum hopping + Italian dinner, or the one where we had French dinner + jazz bar.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once?  I never do rewatches for movies still in cinemas.

What is the reason you’re still alive?  I was stubborn and wanted to see if life would get better; I didn’t want to leave my dogs behind; I didn’t want to miss out on how potentially great and exciting my life could end up being; I didn’t want to cause and leave an even bigger emotional rift on my family.

I’m so happy I stayed.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom?  Yeah. Not the best decision, and I wouldn’t do it again lol.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed?  Sometimes, so that it doesn’t look like a bird’s nest when I wake up the next day.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.)  I don’t think so. I have definitely imagined it in...other ways, though.

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it?  Both in the superficial and loaded senses, yeah. 

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about?  I felt kind of like shit, just because I slept for only 1.5 hours – my body automatically wakes me up by a certain time, no matter what time I fell asleep. And also because my back and shoulder muscles were killing me with how sore they felt.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them?  I show it, but I don’t say it. I’m pretty stingy when it comes to that phrase.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with?  Yes? It shouldn’t be limited to people you’re dating? I express it to Anj and Andi all the time.

Have you ever been threatened before?  Sure.

Would you date someone with a physical disability?  Yes.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you?  Purely guessing, it’s likely. I’m not updated about her life anymore, though; life has been going on as if she never existed.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it?  I’ve never had it dyed.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid?  I went out by myself, so I paid.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income?  Yeah. I had a very good saving streak in which I was able to save anywhere around 50-60% every month...and thennnn I became a fan of BTS early this month LOOOOOL so now I’m back to like square three when it comes to my savings haha. Like I still know my limits and when to fucking stop taking out money from my bank account, but I’ve been spending dramatically more than I have been in the last few months.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits?  I used to go much more regularly, to the point where it was a part of my daily routine. Now I go at least once a month. I usually check out the Ask Reddit (for anecdotes), Today I Learned (for trivia), and GMM subreddits. Sometimes I’ll get on the Squared Circle subreddit as well to be updated on wrestling.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little?  Many times as a flower girl, yeah.

Are your parents in good health?  Fortunately, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative?  Nope.

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason?  Not that I know of.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like?  I don’t have pajama sets since I find them too warm.

Do you have any interesting pillow cases?  Eh, I don’t think so.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be?  Shoulder muscles or my lower back.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees?  Bees.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like?  No.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you?  Native American.

[steve-rogers-new-york]

August

Warmest greeting my sweet, soft snickerdoodles <3

Last Month — July

What a shock! Last month I got up-to-date on all my physical perks, posted all my scheduled posts, and made great headway on one of my long-term, major-massive-huge projects for the blog. So progress. So success. So respectable adult! It was so cool to post two posts I had been looking forward to: The US flag one and the Dip Pen’s post :D I hope you guys enjoyed them! I also revived our old love: Recipe Wednesday! I’ll try my best to keep them up.

The aforementioned mega-huge-totally-all-the-work project is an extensive list of period accurate slang terms. If you’ve been with me a while you may know I have a gorgeous 720-page dictionary of slang (”The Concise New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English”) that is a beloved fixture of my small SRNY-related bookshelf. I have been, for a while, going through and compiling a list of terms that are historically-accurate language that would relate to both our boys, as well as Steve’s mother, Peggy, and the other Commandos. It really is a long-term project, and I am only just finishing up the C’s, but when I’m done, I’ll have the full list available to everyone for fic (and other) reference, as well as a series of themed posts!

Aside from posts, I have been trying to be more sociable. I’ve been semi-active on the Put on the Suit Stony Discord server, so if you see me (Owlish Fun) over there say hi <3 I’ve really enjoyed chatting with peeps over there about fic and cannon, and you know, whatever. And obv, I’m still loving the SRNY Discord, we’ve getting some new members recently and we’ve been having some great research-related chats!

Upcoming Posts — August+

August is a little behind on the post due to some health issues I’ve been having the last couple of week (see later in this post), so I might not get as much up this month as I would like :( I alway have a number of projects on the go, so below are some you can expect to see in the next month or so:

Asthma Cigarettes — Part of Patreon Ephemera Club Perk

Art Deco (art, furniture, architecture etc — on special request)

More Recipe Wednesday!

Coney Island’s Thunderbolt — Part of Patreon Ephemera Club Perk (late)

More 1920s-1940s slang

August Ephemera Club Perks (Patreon)

This month’s perk theme is medications, and will include...

ONE box for "Dr. Guild's Green Mountain Asthmatic Cigarettes" and TWO matchbooks featuring advertisements for medicines available during this time period! I was so excited when I found these boxes, and I’m really excited to share them with your guys! They have all the directions and commentary for the products, as well as price. I still have two more sets of these items for new subscribers in August, so if you would like to receive your own and support the blog, you can join the Ephemera Club tier over on the Patreon!

What’s Up with Me

So, as you may already know from my earlier post, I’ve been dealing with a rather persistent ear infection this past couple of weeks. Not only is it really painful and annoying, it also makes is nearly impossible to focus properly. As such, I’ve pretty much been unable to work on the blog for more than short bursts, and I’ve not written anything new in a while. I’m trying to be productive despite this, doing some clean-up of existing research notes and minor additions. Mostly, I’ve been working on the aforementioned vocab list of slang-terms from my dictionary. It’s just absent minded enough I can do it without too much trouble. I’ve actually made great progress actually, finishing the B’s and soon the C’s! I’m new about 1/4 the way through the dictionary! Very excite.

So yeah, I’m still under the weather. Most of the stronger pain is going thanks to a course of antibiotics, bit I’ve still only got about 20% hearing in that ear, near-constant ringing, regular discomfort and with occasional stabbing pain, and just generally feeling off thanks to having a problem ear. I guess the good news is that two doctors have said their pretty confident I don’t have COVID, so joy? It’s not fun guys — 0/10, would not recommend.

Beyond all that, I also moved at the beginning of this month, and how is that not the biggest news I have?? Dang health. I actually just moved (quite literally) around the corner from my other place, so with the help of my old housemate the move was quick and easy. The house is lovely, my new human housemate is great, and my new feline housemates are good company, if crafty and mischievous. Only downside is that I am allergic to cats xD Not extremely, but i get all-day sniffles if I don’t take antihistamine daily. Totally worth it.

August is a bit of hurry-up-and-wait. I start my Masters programme next months, and nearly everything is sorted by this point. I was lucky enough to be in a small programme so I got into all my first choice courses (enrolment was at 6am on the the day I moved, such fun!). This week I’ve been giving my credit card a work-out getting supplies so I’m ready for courses, including notebooks and other stationery products. I’m pretty picky about notebooks, so it took a month to finally settle on which ones I wanted to get. I might be mad.

I guess the last life note to make is the fun mid-point I’m occupying between intentional deluded calm and constant panic over my finances. I’ve been luck enough to live in a country that is providing financial support for those effected by COVID, so I have been receiving financial aid from the Canadian government since March. However, it’s going to be coming to an end soon, and with me starting a Masters degree in Sept, and my job still not really existing because of the pandemic (I work in tourism), it’s unclear what I’m doing for money come October. I have a line-of-credit set up to cover rent/food should it come down to it, if I cannot get any government assistance and my job continues to be unable to get my work. But that will just add to future Me’s debt coming out of my Masters, and a course I’m trying to avoid. I wasn’t able to get any scholarships this year, which was a huge let-down, as I had the academic clout that should have made me a shoe-in. While it is weighing on me, there is only so much I can do about it, so I’m keeping positive and know I have the worst-case safety-net of credit if it comes to it. In the meantime, I’m working on framing some vintage prints and comic book covers to offer on Etsy — something I’ve been wanting to do for a while but kept putting off. They’ll be items at a higher sell price and hopefully will bring in a little more income from the store. I’m also looking for suggestions on what other things people would like to get out of the Patreon, things that might make it more appealing for new and existing Patrons. I have recently added a Patrons-Only perk of a Masterlist of and access to my full research notes for existing and un-finished blog topics.

Ugh, this personal section won’t be this long in future, It’s just been a very eventful month so far. Love you guys, D.

[ Support SRNY through Patreon and Ko-Fi ] And join us on Discord for fun conversation! I also have an Etsy with upcycled nerdy crafts

[fy-nghariad-fy-emrys]

Hi, I want to talk about something that's been happening to me.

I had the contraceptive implant put in last February. February 26th 2019 to be exact.

I got it put in because there aren't a lot of options for big girls, and I'd heard horror stories about the pill and the shot. I was scared at the idea of the coil and told that I probably wouldn't be allowed it as I hadn't had any children yet.

So, that left the implant.

The following two months were great. My March period was better than it had been for years, and April was slightly lighter, but longer, which wasn't out of the ordinary.

Then May came.

Endless blood that never stopped. I think that endless blood stopped somewhere around October, November 2019.

I'd been told that might happen. That I'd just need to wait it out. That I couldnt get an appointment to get the implant out, but I just needed to wait a little bit longer. Then I'd see.

November 2019-January 2020, no period came. I'm told this is completely normal for the implant.

February 2020 was one of the worst, heaviest periods of my life.

Since February, I've been... uncomfortable.

Pain during and after sex. Things not feeling quite right.

From April, I started getting intermenstrual bleeding. Sex became more painful.

Sometimes, I'd bleed after sex, and the bleed might last days.

Due to COVID, I didn't feel I could approach a doctor. So I sat on this feeling, and waited until doctor's might see people again.

In the meantime, I was getting cramps and pains, my periods feeling iffy and the bleeding between periods heavier.

Finally, in July, I had a smear test. Negative but HPV positive, come back in a year to check for abormal cells.

In September, I spoke with my doctor about the problems I'd been having. She was great, but seemed distant, like she wasn't taking in what I was saying. She asked me questions, made some notes. Referred me to a gynaecologist.

I eagerly waited my letter.

Finally, I'm going to be fixed I thought. The pain is going to stop and they're going to tell me what's wrong and fix me.

At this point, I feel like I thought wrong.

I had my appointment today. Just a little after 9. I sat in the busy waiting room, watching people go in. Some came back, some didn't.

Finally, it was me. They weighed me, measured me, scribbled a few notes and then I met my doctor.

She was a great doctor, but challenged me on everything I said. "Your doctor said you weren't having bleeding after sex" she said, but I'd definitely said this to my doctor. She eyed me, unsure, like I was lying the entire time.

"I want to do an examination" she explained, and I had to get my kit off. She put the speculum inside me to get a good look, and I was in agony. It shouldn't hurt this much, I thought, but just got a small "well done" from a nurse. The doctor muttered something to the nurse, and they did a further investigation.

"Where does it hurt?" The doctor asked, and I tried to explain the best I can.

She disappeared after that and I dressed myself.

Eventually, after a long 10 minutes, she returned.

She looked at me, sceptical again.

"The pain isn't where you think it is" she said. She told me that despite the fact I feel absolute agony at my cervix, she's decided it's nothing to do with that. The pain is on the outside, she explained, it's not where you think it is.

She hands me a box with 3 plastic cylinders inside, explaining that these should take care of my problem. All the problems are that I don't use lube, the doctor explained, and that foreplay needs to happen during sex.

She didn't listen to a word of my reply.

Months of pain and bleeding and crying during or after sex, not having sex and still hurting... and I've been told using what is essentially 3 plastic dildos of different sizes with some lube is what I was missing.

I feel like my issue hasn't been taken seriously. I feel like I've essentially been told I don't know my own body. My partner and I have stopped having sex, not because I'm not wet enough, but because even with lube it feels like I'm being stabbed inside... but it's okay, because if I use these plastic things it'll all go away.

I understand the doctor knows what she's talking about as she's studied for so long, but I felt like I wasn't being listened to, taken seriously or even cared about. I'm upset that the pain, which I feel is at the top of my vagina, arguably near my cervix, is so intense I have to stop having sex, I've been told is actually not there. I'm just saying it's there, it's actually on the outside.

She told me to try another sex postion, as if we haven't exhausted everything. On top is painful. Behind is painful. Underneath is extremely uncomfortable no matter which way we are. But, it's okay, cause if I use these plastic things, I'll not suffer again.

I just feel as though I have been fobbed off as they can't feel anything wrong. I feel like because they can't see a polyp or tumour, they're assuming everything is okay, but they're putting it all down to me not having good enough sex, apparently.

I'm literally so upset.

No explanation for the inter period bleeding, no explanation for the cramping or the bleeding after sex.

I just feel like the entire time I was there, I wasn't taken seriously.